#i can't get into anything new anymore
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"oh gee i hope the creator of pizza tower doesn't turn out to be an awful person" GOD FUCKING DAMN IT MAN
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#polls#personally i dont like it but thats only because i dont like fandom. the type of stuff that gets the most attention#in fandom usually just annoys me idk. how to explain it in a way that wont come off as me saying#fanfic or whatever is evil its just the fact that it just bombards alot of the conversations?#i prefer it when the thing i like has 10 fans and theyre all on one message board or forum#like for example mtvs downtown is getting popular but apart from annoying#'me and the mid nerd guy i copped by being weird and sexy' posts its not awful....#but then smth like... clone high or smth i suddenly cant remember ppl just got so annoying abt that show??#like i cant stand it i dont even bother watching it anymore plus its just weird to me now like i can't watch it regardless#im just rambling but personally i do not like it. like i dont want what i like to get a revival#i dont want anything new! i just want to enjoy the thing and move on 馃槶#fandom seems to prioritize shipping and memes over evaluating or simply just enjoying something!#this goes for anything. music film tv books....
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i have a theory about shinji, gin, and aizen, but i'm not really sure how to word it.
we never really see shinji and gin interact all that much, which makes sense bc both of them have significantly more important relationships with aizen, but at the same time it's a little odd how much there isn't.
like. gin cut hiyori in half. shinji is understandably pissed about that, but he aims that anger at aizen - and this seems to be one of the very few things in the bleach world that honestly isn't on him bc he never told gin to do that, he never even implied it. hiyori was never a threat to him. hell, we don't even know if she was charging in the right direction; if anything, attacking her implies that she was which is a really stupid thing to do when you're surrounded by a bunch of people who super want you dead and would kill you if they could be sure you weren't tricking them into stabbing each other (ofc it could also be a fakeout but still)
but i don't remember shinji's beef ever really being with gin, even tho he didn't seem to anticipate that gin was working with aizen the whole time during tbtp. so like does he feel responsibility there? cuz gin went straight from academy to 3rd seat and shinji could plausibly feel like that sent him right to aizen bc he doesn't know that gin was always aiming for that. did he blame himself? does he feel like he should've seen it coming? does he still see him as some weird genius kid? does he just view gin as an extension of aizen, which is both dehumanizing to an extent but also entirely fair bc gin did that to himself?
the thing is, since we never really see them interact much, it's kind of only interesting on shinji's side of things, bc gin doesn't really care about much outside of whatever the fuck he thought he was doing and the version of rangiku that he has in his head who needs back something that the real one doesn't ever seem to have realized she lost to begin with. gin's so disconnected with basically everybody that most of the time you can usually assume his thoughts are just "lol. lmao" and there's no reason to think that doesn't extend to shinji as well (gin has deep thoughts on: aizen, ichigo, and matsumoto (massive asterisk on that one ofc) and i think everyone else is kinda set dressing to him lmao the guy is Fucked Up)
anyway i think it's interesting to toy around with that relationship as it was in reality as well as how it might've been perceived, but also in the sense of both of them being sort of opposite ends of the manchild spectrum - shinji leans into his childish side but still has a fairly adult worldview, and gin is able to pull off maturity to an extent but was never able to escape a deeply childish mindset
#bleach#meta#hirako shinji#ichimaru gin#aizen sousuke#sarugaki hiyori#matsumoto rangiku#kurosaki ichigo#this whole post should also come with a huge asterisk that i'm deeply critical of gin's backstory in general and usually try to ignore it#but. since it is canon. it is a part of this post#and yes btw kira is absolutely included in the ''lol. lmao'' part of gin's fucked up little head#i should also note that to shinji it's very possible gin's situation looks like. uh. well grooming kinda#so he might view gin as a victim that he could've saved but can't anymore bc. well. he has jackass-itis now and it's terminal sad to say#but seriously the fifth division was involved with the academy right?#so this super genius kid comes out of nowhere. graduates in a sixth of the usual time. jumps into one of the highest ranks available.#third seat mysteriously went missing juuuuust in time for gin to snatch that seat up too. quite the coincidence#so now he's suddenly aizen's immediate subordinate. and seems to get along with him better than you'd expect for a brand new graduate.#but aizen worked in the academy - he was a hugely popular teacher#so maybe shinji saw gin trotting along behind aizen in the middle of getting hollowfied and thought ''well shit that's on me''#it wasn't ofc. there was no way he could've known or done anything and neither gin nor aizen would've let him know enough to try#but he doesn't know that himself and unless aizen decides to share then he just. never will#and gin will never care bc he fucked himself up so badly idk if he even really knew how to care anymore
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No but we need to keep talking about Gaza online, on every platform possible, actively and relentlessly, or they will actually get away with criminalizing any mention of the genocide altogether and that would put the palestinian people, palestinian immigrants/refugees and the people who are still actively advocating for their rights to immense risk.
The milder the general public's outrage gets, the more pressing the danger.
#palestine#not to mention the precedent it sets#I get we are a majority group of broke people and it's a lot and when we can't help anymore we freeze#I get the sense of powerlessness#it's been eating me alive honestly#but I think what we should do is to organize IRL *far more* and bring that back to the forefront of local politics#we can and should give to fundraisers but our real shot at anything is to immensely inconvenience the people we elected#if the grief about children in plastic bags die down it's fucking over for all of us#if we accept this as the new bottom line then what#what becomes the worth of a human life then#what's even the point
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does anyone know if we have to roll that rock up the hill again tomorrow
#so to recap what we all know if we're following the Angela is Sickly series#i can't eat tree nuts. i can't eat trail mix that has come in contact with tree nuts. i am uneasy about eating anything that has been in a#facility with tree nuts because i have had allergic reactions just as severe from cross-contamination as i have had from straight up#eating walnuts. the one exception to this rule is pistachios because i have yet to have an issue with them#i don't eat pecans anymore because i had a reaction. almonds are on thin ice i don't really eat them#also. also i dislike nuts. it's not a hard rule but i don't like them at all. i am not a picky eater they just happen to be one of the#foods i dislike they're a bad texture and they taste like wood. except for the beautiful pistachio#and then we have the alpha gal allergy so. it's not Nearly as severe in terms of life-threatening anaphylaptic response but#the trade-off is a week-long world ending stomachache. which is extremely not fun and also could at any point randomly turn into#a more severe allergy so i. sort of don't fuck with it. there are exceptions that i regret every time because ouch. no red meat.#similarly. we respond not too great to dairy. can't have a lot. can't be fixed by lactaid pills or anything because it's not lactose#intolerance it's an allergy. so. no tree nuts except pistachios. no red meat. light dairy. i am twenty pounds underweight.#my doctor told me to keep red meat in my diet if i couldn't maintain my weight and uh. Bad News i can't maintain weight but also it's a#massive trigger so what the fuck do i do here. to be allergic to some of the most caloric and fatty foods out there#tried to start up boosts and i will continue doing so but im getting stomachaches from them too. like the fuck do u do#im eating eggs and avocado and olive oil and peanut butter etc and im still losing weight. i don't ever have an appetite#gets to a point where im like Well we might end up in a fucking hospital because i keep losing weight and idk why#tests aren't showing anything other than alpha gal and minor inflammation we don't have a reason for#tomorrow i will fucking have egg and avocado and olive oil and butter and a boost and an antispasmodic and water and#i will get a stomachache again and be tired again. Onward!#i would feel so much better if i could gain weight and i can't. what do. im so tired all the time <3 15.8bmi <3
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I just don't know what to do with Gur now. I'd already somewhat written them off as fucked forever I guess considering the divine they're bound to is imprisoned*. Would that be unceremonious & somewhat unsatisfying (at least to me)? Sure but it happens. But Austin twice(!) (once in the chat at Jack's Palisade soundtrack livestream & then I think in the Post Mortem) made a weird "oh well who knows about Gur" type comment & it's like. MAN.... WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.... If they're not just fucked forever, what is happening to them? In what state could they possibly exit that situation, and how could they ever at all?
I guess the most we get about what's happening with Gur now comes from Future in the PAL46 intro: "No more visions of tomorrow for you. Now, simply recollect." Is this Gur reliving the moment of his death over & over again?
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*I don't super remember but I'm guessing that's what happened to Future after Brnine got it back from Jesset? Also I know the whole deal there was that it's hard to enact justice on beings with the livespans that divines have - that eventually, on a long enough timeline, they could all be free again. But I don't think this matters much here, because there probably won't be that big a time jump between PALISADE & P3.
#I need to look at the PM transcripts when they're out bc it's just. possible I interpreted that comment wrong#but why would he even bring it up otherwise if there wasn't anything. is my thought. that gives me a headache. WHY SAY ANYTHING#palisade spoilers#palisadeposting#I didn't think I'd use the tag again tbh. not this soon#ig there's no new season to turn around in my head yet#In relation to the post I reblogged & gur always existing in relation to a god#he's speaking for them & following their wants - and it's always been perennial (since even the autonomy worship was at her will)#& that can't be true anymore. I do keep thinking about it conceptually though. & future is right there#Why do I need to be thinking about this. Austin Walker.#everytime I think it couldn't possibly get more grim for Gur Sevraq it CAN & it DOES#at least they put him on a shirt.
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at this point I don't even know if tag fragmentation in the general russian holmes space is worth addressing. a few years ago I successfully kept the ancient customs intact because I wrote a post so deranged and pretentious it displeased people into doing what I wanted but nowadays what's the point in making a grand return of being terminally online if yall kinda right
#history: in the ice age the soviet series were exclusively russian sherlock holmes#the 2013 show is about to appear under a surprisingly generic title of Sherlock Holmes that is also russian#the contemporaries can't come up with anything better than naming it the new russian holmes#it is a decade later#soon it will be 11 years of nrh being *new*#and russian sh keeps dying out in favour of soviet sh#tag fragmentation occurs where the historic russian sh name with almost 15 years of tumblr history gets shafted in favour of soviet sh#a relatively new tag nowhere near of the russian sh legacy#as someone who actually scrolled it all the way back to the very beginning and yes to the first posts of circa 2010/2011#you can guess why I felt strongly about it since you are just creating an issue that never was and also making a false impression#of how sparsely populated soviet sh is while all this time it was just a secondary but also straight up unused tag#the same thing having two tags with totally different content bc of tag fragmentation is quite annoying#but it is now the modern age and idk if you can even go that deep into any tag anymore with how the search function doesn't work#and who could be wrong. russian sh Is soviet. nrh Is new. and nrh will never change and mix with the russian sh search forever.#plus what is the issue. russian sh gets one post a week and nrh gets one every half a year. the annoyance exists to me only.#do we assemble a council and grant both shows new unique tags and resolve the mistakes of our ancestors#while erasing 10+ years of history behind their current tags in the process thus basically wiping the fandom clean#or do we just live with it while occasionally shrugging at how this all happened#I thought and fought to keep it the way it was because adding to a search that goes back to 2010 is what it's all about o7#but nowadays truly. everyone else is technically right. what's the point
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i was gonna say "i shouldn't have to go to work when my brain feels like a depression slushie" and then i was like "wait but then i'd basically never ever go to work" and i'm actually doubling down on the first part now bc my god how am i supposed to heal my brain from burning out 5 years ago if i can never get an actual break
#//juri speaks#i also at this moment: do not know if i have health insurance anymore / if i will be able to get insurance#if i can't get insurance i will not be able to take classes this fall#if i can't take classes my loan repayments will kick in immediately#i already don't have enough money for anything and i certainly don't have a spare $150 a month for the government#at any rate i need to submit my tuition waiver Soon but i can't until i know if i can get into the second class#so i have to wait for the prof or my advisor to get back to me#all the while a funeral day draws nearer#and then AT work i still feel like my position doesn't need to exist#but i desperately need it to exist because i need the money#and this big mchuge data migration project we were SUPPOSED to have had done in JUNE is being pushed to the absolute last minute#not by us but by the folks in control of the software we're moving to#so we're not going to have any safety margins with the old software#it's going to be GONE and dead and unlicensed while we're trying to learn the new shit#and i'm going to have to deal with the other branch cataloger trying to do everything for us which Won't Help#and i need!!!!!! a break!!!!!!!!!! from everything!!!!!#i need the world to stop and i need to go sit in the desert for like 6 months#instead best i can do is go buy the new taz gn for a little crumb of escape. maybe a little coffee drink while i'm there#even though i've been hitting sugar hard lately and really do not have the funds to buy more clothes if i gain a few more lbs#and can't afford a walking pad/treadmill and don't want to go outside bc it is a billion degrees all day every day rn#uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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im actually really worried that im not that interested in &j anymore like ivd been having a hard time writing about it and talking about it online and i mean i talk about it a lot irl but idk like people have been knowing more than me and im starting to feel so incredibly inferior that it's hard for me to enjoy it
#im in this group chaf and im the only one there that doesnt live in new york snf doesnt know any og them irl and theyall know more and see#it a lot and know about the swing order and i dont and ive been feeling so bad about it and it's been so hard for me and then i have friends#that are clearlv better at fandom in general than me so theyre better at characterisation so if i get criticisrd i just feel Terrible and i#havent properly wtitten in ages caude ive been so worried about my characterisation cause a friend very gently criticised me on my character#isation like 2 months ago and i really look up to this person so now i just cant Do anything#and also the thing that they eere pointing out wad more anothrr friend's thing that i didn't even Like much but if someone talks enough i#can be persuaded to anything and also because im just terrified do i#'ll go along with literally anything just because i dont want poeple to hate me#and it's ruining my enjoyment and i mean i made an au and i was hoping that that would make it so that i could maybe write again but nobody#carrd so now i judt cant#i feel so broken right now#also people that were meant to be &j friends are now friend friends and i mean thats Fine#but i cant! handle it!!!#i cant talk about other things unless it's My other things#and i especially cant talk about five nights at freddy's because i used to be hyperfixated on that so now that im.not i just cant! talk abou#t it! or hear about it!!!#not to mention that that game fucking destroyed my life when i was 9 because everyone liked it but i didn't know what it eas anf they wouldn#t explain so now i judt CANT hear about it!!!!!!#i cant do it i cant. do this#i miss when it brought me so much joy but now i hate talking about it online and i cant do it anymore#i can't pretend to care i can't keep being an &j blog even though i do love it!!!! but i feel so insecure and inferior that i just cant!!!!!#i hate this so mcuh im sorry i needrd to get this out#i dont have anything interesting to say anymore and i mean there's also just like. the whole being autistic thing and not wanting peopel to#judge me for my interests which they have my whole life and now it's too much and i cant care this much anymore. i just can't#i dont have anything to contribute either i cant draw and i can't write anymore and i just dont know what to do#sorry
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arcade was NOT having a fun time at the fort
#i was in disguise so the legion wasn't aggro'd#can't say the same for mr. ''hardly a whirlwind of death'' over here#s2g y'all i have him on passive and he still obliterates any enemies within 2000 yards - even if the aren't attacking#i hardly get to kill anything anymore between arcade with a gra+ plasma pistol and lupa-brain rex#arcade gannon#fallout: new vegas
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everyone prioritizes their family and that means even extended chacha ke chacha fufa ke tau etc and i can't even prioritize my sagi one i hate myself
#and its not that they're bad or anything#but im such a people pleaser i feel validation from strangers is more important than family#its because maybe ive watched them too closely and nothing about them fascinates me anymore i know the pattern#and my fun is meeting new people cracking the code#but still#i hate that people will cut your calls leave your message unread kyunki aaj poora din bua mausi aaye the#wish i was that focused on my relatives#ill literally text call anyone even in a middle of a fucking apocalypse#idk yall should tell me if im doing something wrong do yall keep your phones away and forget to text your friends#but i can't focus one thing for too long i cannot physically see messages decking up and not reply#i hate this#do people simply not check. there phone as often or am i an addict#or have i still not learnt to be in the moment#and tomorrow night i leave for home and my friends have planned a meet up#now frn 1 comes to home for one month in her holidays so giving one day or even two days to friends doesn't matter#frn 2 lives in hometown so there's no problem but mind you if she comes she has to leave in 2 minutes because her mom calls every five#minutes just to get her back to home for nothing#frn 3 comes home same as me aka 4-5 days so giving 1 day to friends is parents saying tumhe hamse matlab nahi hai tyohaar mei bhi har baar#milne jaana hota hai#etc#but im home past 4 days ivd literally done nothing papa bhai se utni hi baat hui jitni phone par ho jaati hai#haan for mummy i spent time with her#but most of the time i was on tumblr or scrolling insta to kya hi matlab hua mere ghar aane ka#that means unhe bas meri physical presence chahiye#na ghar par bua aayi na mama na koi#lekin ab kal mujhe jaana hai to kal mama aa jaayenge#why are things this way
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lays on the fucking. ground. maybe we should open commissions. so we can buy a new laptop
theres so many other funds that need money and we can still deal with this
our fucking enter and backspace key stopped working bro idk what to tell you. this is including: volume up and down buttons, brightness up and down buttons, screenshare button, 1, 3, 9, q, e, o, d, h, and now enter and backspace. even after relocating half our keys to our keypad buttons this shit is nigh unusable.
nOT TO MENTION OUR CHARGER THAT ONLY WORKS 50% OF THE TIME. god this is SO ANNOYING BUT APPARENTLY WE DONT DESERVE ANYTHING RIGHT NOW ARUGGGGGH
maybe once spring semester starts we can ask. fucking. who knows. who cares. like truly who cares. also we can't do commissions are you fucking kidding? us? with art on a deadline communicating with peoples requests through dms are you hearing yourself???
aaAAUGGGHHHH FUCKING. WEEPS.
#ITS SO STUPID ITS SO STUPID ITS ALL SO DUMB THAT WESDJHDFKJHGKJHG#[three of swords]#we're on phone now so typing isnt annoying as hell anymore. the thing about our setup is that having a separate keyboard would be WORSE.#sick of complaining. sick of every issue compounding forever and ever i mean we're not even TALKING about the other situations fuCK WE'RE#/not/ going to die.#OKAY FUCK WHATEVER. BUT THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID. THERES INFINITE PROBLEMS FOREVER AND WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF THEM#like listen we're trying to live day to day at least and every time we get used to the level of shit life has in store for us it gets WORSE#like hey buddy looks like you're barely managing to crawl even with fifty burdens on your back thats great how about five more??#we just want to make sure we add enough weight to you that youre NOT MOVING AT ALL ANYMORE. that you can NEVER MOVE AGAIN.#GOD. FUCKING KILLING. NOT SPECIFYING A TARGET.#everything is breaking and getting worse and its not getting better#but it will get better again. it will. we just have to wait it out.#not everyone can have your fucking PATIENCE old man this is BULLSHIT and you KNOW IT#i know. i understand. but we have to continue. you can cry. you can feel frustrated and upset and tired. it's alright. but we must continue#hhhhhhh. dad i fucking hate this. i fucking hate this.#it's okay. tomorrow's a new day and we'll try again. i love you.
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no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 馃槶 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.
i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.
[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]
#goddd my family finds it sooooooo funny that i can't do basic tasks! it's soooo funny that i can't even think of a horror movie to watch#on halloween bc i genuinely can't remember a single one right now. it's soooo funny that i can't take cardboard boxes or#old furniture out of my room without help bc i've physically and mentally and emotionally burnt out for Months.#and me not being able to move shit out after two (2) days makes me a hoarder somehow. and ofc hoarding is a moral failing#and my mom has to give me a stern talking-to about hoarding things... that were. again. in my room for 2 days....#[tbc it isnt a moral failing no matter the reason. life is hard and things happen and it can be hard to get rid of things for Reasons.]#nevermind them making constant snide remarks about me using ugly 'mismatched' desk / storage furniture. bc it was free / cheap? no income??#AND!!!!! i have a couple of new diagnoses. which doesn't change much day to day but it does make my family making fun of me#even more dumbfounding. like. this explains a lot of really scary unexplained symptoms that constantly leave me#housebound for weeks but uhhh haha hehe hoho??? so silly so funny that i'm barely conscious for multiple weeks???#and you can see that i'm getting worse but that makes it funnier??? hmm!!!#also nevermind that i've told them the exact reason why i've been like this (read: them) but that ALSO makes it funnier somehow.#but i also can't say shit bc they're doing something ~nice~ for me (out of convenience + after almost a decade of 'don't get comfortable'#and 'don't decorate this room bc it isn't yours' and 'you need to be ready to move out by x date'#only for the date to arrive and them to pull the 'i never said that. and if i did say it i didn't mean it like that.#and if i did mean it like that i don't anymore.' card. + any big renovations are things they wanted anyway. hmmmm!!#and how i have to do all of the phys labor alone bc if i ask for help i get made fun of!!! and yelled at that i'm doing things Wrong#(hint: i'm following instructions to the letter but. my family knows better than those silly things!! ^^ ))#jfc i sure did rant. uh. yeah. things. are really weird and uncomfy and i feel thankful that i finally can have my own things on display#outside of closets and bins again after a decade?? but i'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop / them to tell me i owe them in#some way??? bc that's how it works. 'i'm doing a nice thing you didn't even ask me for so now you have to do whatever i tell you to.'#meanwhile i can't even maladaptive daydream my way through it bc my brain is soup right now. can't remember basic things abt#my interests bc i've been on negative battery / spoons for a couple of months straight and it's only getting worse.#OKAY TLDR i'm not in a state to do anything until everything irl gets settled. and i'm trying So Hard to get it all over with but there's#only so much i can do in a day before i completely shut down. i didn't even get into the insurance stuff i've been fighting too ughhhh.#so if i show up on here in short spurts -- hi! bye! hi!! i wuv and care u!!! hope youre well mwah mwah!!!!!!! i'll post what i can and then#disappear when i need to recharge. it is what it is. i need to try to sleep now... uh if this post disappears when i wake up.... yeah......#馃搶 [ my posts. ]#馃挱 [ my thoughts. ]#vent -
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*said with increasing distress, eyes blodshot and an empty mug in hand* you guys remember writing right????? you guys remember posting fic and publishing things and talking to editors about potential projects right???? you guys remember being creative in your creative jobs and not just rereading old work and having a panic attack over the time wasted over curating hyperspecific character playlists that you get mad about five minutes later right????? i'm not insane right????? creative block is normal even if it lasts for months right???? i haven't written a fic in YEARS but it's ok i'm ok i have to finish TWO original pieces for next week that I haven't even started but it'll probably be fineeeee I'm totally not being a complete and raving lunatic about it it's probably gonna be okay <3 yay <3
#AND I STILL HAVEN'T APPLIED FOR MY NEW SHOW IN THEATRES ?1!!!!???? AJAAGAGAHAHAHFGH#BABYGIRL I CAN BE DRY IN WAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE FOR PROJECTS THAT ARE ALREADY EVEN PLANNED OUT#the words just won't come out idk#ok so i attended one of the most prestigious universities in the country re: my field of expertise and carefully improved in my craft#just to go into a creative field and be an unemployed fuckhead who won't even write#i mean I am ALSO an academic that is very much true as well. but you don't really earn money from that either now do you#especially not in humanities#anyway. i need to go wash some dishes#it'll be fine probably i just need to lock tf in#it sucks being the one in the relationship that has no job no money no prospects and is already a burden to their parents#like literally they're being very nasty about it and like i know they care about me and stuff but they are very much. not supportive#it doesn't mean they're openly hating on it tbh i think they've given up on trying to disagree with my life choices and atp they just judge#when i'm not there. but evidently i find out anyway because of course i do#tbh won't complain about the lack of open support though like it's cool you disapprove of my relationship and my work and my life overall#ok rant over i'm big now. i'm an adult#ACTUALLY should i write a paper on disco elysium maybe that'd cheer me up. DON'T ask me how de is cheerful it isn't#my brain just works in mysterious ways#also gonna write an essay on my relationship with god. and get it published. probably gonna quote dostoievski a couple times as well. maybe#who give a fuck anymore man people these days can write ANYTHING. i love being alive in a world where printing is a thing. also computers#personal
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Not feeling great abt some of my creative endeavors rn
#ramblings#neg#specifically abt project: new moon#i can feel myself actively losing interest in continuing to write for it#like the main story is already out there and that's fine#but even tho i have ideas for oneshots and stuff to introduce more characters (like those redesigns for rouge and shadow i did a while ago)#it just. doesn't feel worth continuing. idk why#i guess it might be the lack of interest for my writing in general#or maybe project: new moon just. isn't that great#which is fine the point of the project was to do it for fun not to make something objectively good#but ig i'm just. not feeling it anymore? i don't feel satisfied with it like i did when i finished writing it#i still love my ocs and the redesigns i did of canon characters for it#and i'm glad i got the story i've had in my head since i was like 12 out there. even if it's very different from how i first envisioned it#but. i really just wanna put it to rest#i really don't feel like i can promise any more writing for it. not like anybody cared abt it anyway besides like 3-4 ppl + myself#idk man i wanna move on from it. i have other stuff i wanna write that i feel guilty for not doing#bc i'd said i'd write more for project: new moon and still haven't#i think i'd be happier if i let the fanfic go and just draw my ocs and my redesigns when i feel like it#without worrying abt the fic anymore#bc frankly ever since writing the epilogue my heart just didn't feel like it was in it#thinking abt it felt like a chore more than anything. so maybe it'd be for the best to just leave it as it is#that comic i said i'd write is still happening tho i still really wanna do it#but that's different from writing fanfic so#anyway. might turn the project: new moon blog into a general writing blog#if i finish the corrupted au fic i'm currently working on. idk yet we'll see#but yeah. i know i shouldn't trust how i feel past 9 pm but I've been feeling this for a while now so whatever#i think i should've seen this coming in retrospect. pretty much everything i do that isn't just art never gets much traction anyway#can't say i'm really giving up on it considering it's TECHNICALLY complete#but the way things are going feels almost exactly like the rp and ask blogs i've tried to run in the past#idk man. i gotta stop thinking abt this before the vague feelings of inadequacy spiral into something worse. goodnight
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lights are on but nobody's home
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#this was my I PromisedTM I would talk more abt Faith's deathwish arc but was too lazy to write out my thoughts#instead just doodling her slowly spiraling and becoming more numb more distant more reckless#no outlet for her anger no space to breathe no time to grieve#constantly making split second moral decisions where no matter what someone will Get Hurt#be thrust into a new life so suddenly not knowing anyone or anything and having to fend for herself and hope she's doing right#having to abandon her former life and her former self because they don't exist anymore they can't exist#having to be some mysterious entity because she can't find solace in anyone nobody will ever listen or believe her#and she bottles it all up#ends up in a new found family of misfits who she adores dearly and wants to love and take care of them so much#still feels so utterly alone and undeserving and unlovable#captain#captain of the unreliable#my art
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