#i can't even remember the last time i SAW a fucking phone book in the wild

[lovetei]

Obey me demon brothers reacting to mc being hit with a "special" potion by someone and them having to deal with mc being extremely horny and dominant plus having their back absolutely blown? (Btw I love your writing🫶🏼)

It's like 1 in the morning and my phone is at 8 percent, the best time to write.

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MC was affected by this mysterious potion that makes them crave for some back-breaking fuck

Warnings: No proofreading, grammar mistakes, spelling mistakes, smut, no censoring, reader is Implied to be wearing strap or having cock (a big one), fingering them, wrong use of car hood, choking, air deprivation, wrong use of ties, ovestimulation

Parts: Demon brothers, Side Characters

Links: Masterlist

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LUCIFER

Are you being serious?

You mean to tell him that the reason why you came home looking like that

Why you came home and immediately went inside his room

Is because you were affected by this strange potion?

That makes you feel like you're in heat?

It doesn't matter, he needs to check up on you and see if it's harmful or not

Or to see if he can do anything to help you, at least.

"A-AUGH!" Moans and screams that sounds too whiny to be his escaped his mouth as your fingers moved wilder. "Wait a second!" He screamed the second time before you added another finger.

He was drooling like a dog on top of his desk as his cock spurt out strings of cum, staining the dark wood of his desk. "You better keep your back like this or I'll have to force it then." You ordered after you grabbed his shoulder and made him arch his back.

"G-Give me a break atleast..!" Is the last thing he screamed after he felt something hard against his used ass.

MAMMON

He was panicking

He knew that this ingredient had an aphrodisiac like effect on humans

But he didn't know it would be this much.

Plus he meant no harm!

He simply fed you this bread during your night out to make things a little exciting!

"Stop fucking moving." You cursed out as you slammed in his ass harder making him moan even more "I-I'm trying..!" He sobbed out as you bent him over the hood of his car, one of his legs raised on it while his dick continued to leak pre.

"P-Please don't be mad! O-One more! I promise I'll do better!" He begged like a whore as he pushed himself closer to you, trying to push your length deeper.

And the last thing he remembered is how he passed out and woke up again with his legs up your shoulder as you relentlessly pound into him.

LEVIATHAN

He kind of knew that it has strong aphrodisiac in it

It was said in the warning after all

But he's a high ranking demon so of course it has no effect on him

And he forgot that you're still human despite having that enormous amount of magic

"Shhh... Breath in." You chuckled at him as he shakily inhaled, sweat coating his forehead as you pushed your fingers inside of him once again "A-Agh~ I think I really can't do it anymore..!" Panic settled in when he felt himself on the edge with just your fingers.

His breathing got more ragged and panicked as you moved your fingers "Don't say that! I know you can take it..." You tried to cover your annoyed mood by sweetening your words.

"N-No... I-I think I'll die..!" His cock leaked pre but your patience is just starting to run thin "Levi how about we shut up?" You pushed your fingers down his throat "You made me like this so take responsibility." You threatened.

SATAN

He saw this unique spell in one of his books.

It applies aphrodisiac on foods without needing an actual potion

And so he though, why not try it on you?

You have gained a pretty amount of mana since time time you first came here

You can handle this much right?

Satan held on the bookshelf for his dear life as he bit on the tie harder to surpress his moans "You might break the shelf at this rate..." You panted out as you pushed yourself deeper inside of him.

A groan escaped his throat as tears does from his eyes "No mwore!" He managed to say through the gag as he caressed his ass, red from all the spanking he received earlier.

You just held his hands and slammed all the way in, his knees completely giving up and your hands holding his up is the only thing preventing him from falling "There, there... I'll start moving now..." You sweetly said, ignoring his please.

ASMODEUS

He didn't mean to!

You just looked so hot earlier that he forgot he had this ability!

Accidentally putting aphrodisiac on your food... How horrible!

Don't worry, he'll take responsibility!

Rhythmic moan is the only thing that can be hear inside the dimly lit room of Asmodeus, oh, the slapping sound of his ass whenever it hits your waist too.

"Augh!~ I-I'm getting a little tired honey~" He moaned as he continued to bounce himself on top of you as you lazily sat on his sofa "Maybe a little help..?" He guided your hands to his waist, implying that he wants you to move him yourself.

When you didn't react, he looked back at you over his shoulders and saw how you look completely out of it, dilated pupils and red cheeks "You know... If I started moving you yourself I might break your fragile little waist." You whined out as he felt you grip him harder.

BEELZEBUB

He's really sorry!

He forgot about this aphrodisiac and how it's harmful for humans...

What do you mean he can help cure the pain?

Sure, he'll help!

You played with Beelzebub's vibrant hair as his mouth worked wonders for you "Just like that~" You moaned as you looked down at him.

"Am I helping you relive the pain..?" He pulled away for a minute, a string of saliva and cum connecting his lips from your thighs "Yes, Beel. You're doing so good~" You leaned down to give him a little kiss

"I'm pretty sure this is hurting too~" You moved your feet closer to his clothed cock, visibly hard and straining against his pants "Then... Can MC help me relive it later too..?" He asked which made you smirk.

BELPHEGOR

It started off as a harmless prank

It was supposed to be a harmless prank

He didn't know it would reach this far

And he never thought that you'll let it reach this far!

"F-Fucking hell! MC!" He managed to say between the small intervals where you raised his head and let him breath, it's sad that this is what he decided to say.

You slammed his head back down on the pillow and moved your hip back and forth, enough to push him forward and have him holding the bed frame.

And then he tapped your thigh signaling that he's about to cum, and being a nice human, you let him, but this time, you didn't raise his head to let him breath and now you can see the panic.

How he was struggling to push himself up as cum leak out of his cock continuously, you harshly pulled his hair to let him breath "A-Ah~ I-I can't breath please!" He was holding your hands as he begged, tears and sweat messing up his face.

It was a sight to behold before you push him back down.

[noroi1000]

F**k your fav 10 - Touchy (18+)

Summary: Satoru became sentimental. If you were to say something, you thought his list had long been forgotten. However, he added something sentimental there. He wanted you like it was the first time. He was still so close. He teased. But his touch didn't leave you. In fact, he wanted to see if you could come without something inside you. His mental pleasure of watching you cum.

"Do you remember when we first met?"

You looked back to look at Satoru's arms as his head rested on your butt as he used you as a pillow.

Why did he become sentimental so suddenly?

Maybe he started thinking about it because you were also in this position at the beginning of your relationship?

Your relationship wasn't about sex from the beginning. You were together because you wanted to be together. You fell in love with him a few years ago, not caring who he was or who he would become in the future. You loved him for who he was in that moment. Because you were sure your boyfriend wouldn't change. He can't change.

After these few years, he is still the same. Even though you have been in the relationship longer. Even though he is older. Even though his appearance was changing microscopically. He remained the same anyway.

A man who is jealous. Sugar addict. Someone who likes to tease you and has strange ideas.

Someone who has been looking like a sex addict next to you for a long time...

Kinky jokes and moves. All his gestures can be suggestive.

"Why so suddenly?" you asked, setting his console aside.

"I just saw something on my list that reminds me of our first time together..." He waved his phone with a notepad.

He was changing this list.

He wanted to watch you lying wet on the bed. But he later realized that he could make you squirt normally. And he can cover you with his seed anyway. Watching you cry from overstimulation and drool. But he always does it. That's why he thought this item on the list made no sense. Because he does it anyway and he likes it.

He loved it normally. He loved fucking you so hard. Doing it not at home was also nice. But he had limited options.

The quickie was nice. But it wasn't perfect. It was too short for him.

So if he had to choose, he'd be last, even though that was cool too.

Mutual masturbation... A nice change. He liked it.

The marathon is one of his favorites.

Having him on the bottom brought back memories for him... It felt good, but he loves looking at your fucked up face when he's the one above you.

Eating his dessert on you... That was cool too...

And also bondage... He's always liked it. That's why he loved it too.

Today he wanted to watch your body overstimulated and wet with your juices. Then he wanted to see if he could make you orgasm without touching your pussy.

But he later realized that this bypassed the rules he had made for him.

“Everything has to be for both of you.”

That's why he had to decline the erotic massage. But later, when he looked at the list, he remembered that during one of your first times, you were so wet just from his fingers on your skin. Like you were about to orgasm even without his touch between your thighs. And also... During one of your times, he managed to make you squirt around him.

It was probably even on the same day.

Or maybe that was something he might like? Romantically?

Therefore, under the influence of this perverted sentiment for those times, he wrote a point that did not have a name, but described it.

„Just like our first (best) time together.”

And yes, everything started innocently back then. He came back from work and you were lying on your stomach on the bed, reading a book. And he lay on your back, craving your touch.

Only for a more heated session to ensue later. As he started to put his hands under your shirt and kiss the back of your neck while rubbing against your ass.

"Do you really want to do that again?"

"Yes. It was a miracle!"

"I always thought the first time was so embarrassing..." Laugh nervously.

"Why?"

"Because you had to see me naked... You touched me... You kissed me... Your face was... In different places...

"Is that really all you remember from our first time?! I'll be offended at you if it's true!" he laughed, but you could hear the mock irritation in his voice.

"...I also remember that you were very... Touchy... You wanted to be close."

"Because I wanted to be close and I still do. Just like now. I remember when I met you... It was in the store, right?" he laughed.

"You miserable clumsy boy, you lost your old school ID."

"And you clumsily lost your phone!"

"It was you who stole my phone a year later to take nude photos!"

"You were already my girlfriend!"

You buried your face in the pillows, giggling.

"That was cool, right?"

"I still can't forget your face, as if you had seen a ghost. The moment you saw Suguru! Admit it, you have a crush on him!"

"This is your friend! He's my friend! And you're my boyfriend!"

"Let's talk about it later. But now..." You heard him move and suddenly he lifted your hips slightly. "...Do you want to remember this day?”

"H-Hey!"

You felt his chin on your ass. And then his tongue traced the fabric of your sleep shorts.

"Shh. I'm working." He murmured and massaged your hips and thighs with his fingers, pressing so hard that you felt your muscles tremble.. And with the connection of his tongue on the saliva-wet fabric, you were more aroused than you should have been.

"Ooh..." You moaned as his toes caught on your soaked clothes, sending sparks up your spine.

"Can I make you cum without sticking my cock inside you?” he panted against your body.

You set the console aside and with his hands you rose, kneeling to let him remove your clothes.

Your released nipples hardened and he sat behind you, settling you between his spread knees.

"Satoru, this-."

You wanted to tell him that this wasn't exactly what he did the first time you two met.

"Shhh..."

His fingers circled your nipples before he began to slowly rub them just the way you liked.

The slight coldness of his fingers turned to heat as he rubbed and pinched you lightly, breathing into your ear.

He played with your tits like he was a little kitten. And only then did he spit on one of your mounds, watching the saliva slowly trickle down until it reached your nipple where he smeared it by running his finger over the hard nub.

To then lick and bite your ear and start rubbing and squeezing your thigh with one of his hands. Where you started trembling.

"Close your eyes." He ordered, and knowing how good it felt, you obeyed, feeling his long fingers work your body effortlessly.

His increasingly hard erection rubbed against your buttock, adding to your excitement.

With a shaky breath, you bit your lip, resting the back of your head on his shoulder.

"Awe, as soon? I thought I would have to do it a lot longer to get you in this condition..." He chuckled lightly, patting your tit to watch the soft flesh bounce. And his other hand went between your legs, feeling that your pants are completely soaked in the front. “I'm flattered, you know? Did you leak that much just from touching your tits? It's wonderful that your body is so sensitive to me!

It would be different with someone else... Gojo Satoru is the person who knows your body more than you do! You know that he had other sex partners before you. When he was in bed with you, he was good. But with you he mastered it all to perfection... Just one little finger is enough for him to bring you to orgasm. A short cunnilingus is enough to make you tremble under him. Just touching your body in the right way will make you a wet mess under your underwear.

So it was now.

He tilted you so he could lean down and take your other, wet, attention-hungry nipple into his mouth, sucking. Playing with tongue. He took off your pants, laughing through his nose as he watched your pussy connect to your panties with the thin threads of your arousal before they broke.

Your clit already throbbing and waiting for his touch. Your thighs shaking and spreading apart despite your will.

Your body knows that when it's horny, it's about to get a good fuck.

But instead of just sticking his fingers inside you and watching you squirm, he placed two fingers on the folds on either side of your clit and started moving up and down. Watching the pink nub quiver from the slight friction it receives.

"Do you want something inside?" he asked, whispering into your ear. Causing your back to arch slightly.

You nodded quickly, spreading your knees a little further to indicate to him that you were ready for something inside. Even for something much bigger than his fingers.

"If your body asks so nicely~” His two fingers dived low, pressing into you with great ease.

His hard shaft that he had just released from his pants was placed softly between your buttocks. And his fingers curled inside, pressing the pads against your g-spot.

Your leg rose at the sudden pleasure.

"Good Girl... Just a little more." He praised you.

His fingers rolled in circles over that spot inside you.

And you felt so helpless as you shuddered and collapsed onto him, helpless. Your entire body surrendered to the pleasure he gave you.

His eyes widened, he felt his entire hand suddenly covered with your warm liquid. And when he pulled his fingers out of you, your pussy released your orgasm onto the bed, letting him watch.

It certainly wasn't like the first time you had sex!

But it was so good...

"Haha...! Really honey? It was so sweet. I could brag to everyone that my girlfriend can squirt just by rubbing her tits and fingering her!" he said, rubbing your clit to help you cum. "I think I need to talk to Suguru about this! He needs to see how cute you look when you cum so hard later!”

Your brain was too fucked up to understand what he was saying to you at that moment.

"You won't regret having such a lovely pussy and your favorite boyfriend with a big cock. Ngh... You're even tighter now..."

His tip began to press into you. When he managed to overcome your tightening walls and pushed inside, you felt the coil in your stomach tighten.

And his cheeky fingers must have rubbed your clit. So when his tip touched your g-spot, your body arched and he watched you tremble.

You gripped him like a vice, coating the rest of his length and balls with your orgasm.

"Sugoii!" He laughed, one eye closed by the pressure on his cock. "I didn't know that my girlfriend could cum less than a minute after her previous orgasm. I love it so much!"

Your body had no spirit as he cuddled against your cheek, eyes shining at the realization of what had just happened.

[ahyperactivehero]

If you're still feeling DBD drabbles I'd love some post-canon Edwin and Crystal bonding (making fun of celebrities together? studying magic? comparing rich neglectful parents?)

I love a good Edwin and Crystal bonding moment! I hope that if we ever get season 2 we get to see more of them bickering and bonding. Because these two remind me of me and my sibling so strongly it almost hurts <3

(reminder that i am taking election night drabbles, although i can't promise they'll be posted tonight. i'm working on as many as i can, but it is getting late! i'll likely finish most of them tomorrow unfortunately)

Drabble 2 

Crystal and Edwin were at war. Or at least, that’s what Crystal would have labeled themselves as. According to Charles this was simply, ‘Edwin when he likes you,’ which Crystal wanted to be judgemental about, but she had her memories back and she could remember what a menace she’d been to people she liked.

“It is not hard, Crystal,” Edwin stressed, leaning heavily on to the desk in front of him. At some point in time he had abandoned his coat and jacket and rolled his sleeves up in what had to be the most laid back outfit Crystal had ever seen him in.

Yet there was nothing relaxed about Edwin. She’d never known him to be a particularly relaxed person, but there was a strange undercurrent of stress that was running through him that she was pretty sure wasn’t always there.

She sighed again for what must have been the millionth time and dropped her phone onto the couch next to her. It’s not like anyone she actually liked contacted her that way. In fact, she’d been arguing with her mom the last time someone had actually reached out to her, which had only resulted in Crystal storming out of the house and crashing in the agency’s office for a few days.

Which brought them to where they were now. Edwin tapped the book in front of him, looking for all the world like a young teaching assistant annoyed with his students. “If you would simply try, I know you cou-”

Violently, she shoved herself up off of the couch. Her feet banged against the floor, almost loud enough to rattle the windows, and for once she was glad Charles wasn’t here. She didn’t want him to see her like this.

“I have tried, Edwin! I’ve tried, okay! Have you ever tried shutting up?!” she asked before throwing herself back down onto the couch, her back turned towards the world as if that might somehow block out the ghost.

One of Crystal’s favorite and least favorite things about Edwin was that he never seemed to be dissuaded by her poor attitude. Sometimes, it even seemed to encourage him. “If you had actually tried, you would have cast the spell,” Edwin said. There was no heat to his voice, not even an ounce of actual anger to him– even though Crystal was sure he was pissed.

She squeezed her eyes shut. Maybe if she did that she’d be able to block out Edwin’s voice and the tears at the same time. “I did try,” she said, all of the fire in her voice having faded until it sounded broken and sad.

The sound of soft footsteps filled the room. Edwin’s familiar sounding boots shuffled against the floor until he reached the couch and seemed to hover there for a moment. 

“Ah,” he said. “I see.”

And Crystal wasn’t sure what he meant until she rolled over and saw him looking at her phone. 

“You are fighting with your parents,” he said.

“So what?” she asked and snatched her phone out of his hands.

“So, magic, especially one as instinctual and ingrained as yours, is highly influenced by your emotions.” Crystal glared up at him from the corner of her eye, which forced him to hold his hands up in defense. “Not because you are a woman, or whatever else it is you might be thinking I meant. Just because magic works that way.”

They needed a new couch. She poked at a hole that had long since been worn into the cushion and pulled out a bit of stuffing before sticking it back inside. “So I’m just going to keep fucking it up?” she asked.

Edwin sat down on the floor with his back to the couch. It was almost easier to talk this way, the two of them back to back. At least then she didn’t have to see his judgmental face, and he wouldn’t have to see her cry.

Not that she was crying, of course.

“No,” Edwin said quietly. “You will not keep ‘fucking it up.’ Although it will likely take time for you to get used to doing magic with such intentions, not just relying on your instincts to guide you.”

She pulled another thing of stuffing out before shoving it back in. “What’s so wrong with instincts?” Her ancestors had done fantastically for her so far.

Edwin shuffled, but she couldn’t figure out what he had done. “Nothing. Instincts are, as Charles would say, brills. They help keep you alive and safe and have been developed for exactly that reason.”  He shifted again, and this time Crystal could feel him fully leaning back against the couch, and the goosebumps that a ghost in too close proximity caused raised along her skin. 

“But what happens if you can’t trust your instincts? What if something has changed or been manipulated and you can’t trust them?” he asked.

And Crystal knew they were talking about something heavy, something that Edwin would definitely rather not talk about with her. But here he was, talking about it with her just the same.

“You mean Hell?” she asked. She rolled over just enough to get a peek at the top of Edwin’s head. Even though she could see very little of him, she could tell that he was nervous and that made her nervous.

“Not strictly speaking of Hell. There are plenty of supernatural beings with the ability to manipulate you or your senses for their own gains.” He looked over his shoulder, his eyes barely catching hers. “But yes, I was referring to demons like David.”

Her nails had already been bitten down to the quick, but she chewed on them anyways. Buzzes shook the couch as more texts from her mom chimed in, likely just another rant about what an awful child she was and how she was making everything so difficult for them.

“They’re just saying those things because they feel like they are failing as parents,” Edwin said. He’d turned back away, his eyes staring into the closet as if it offered something particularly interesting inside. “And while that might be true, that does not mean that you are a failure.”

She snorted. “Oh yeah,” she said. “What do you know about it?”

Edwin’s sharp green eyes turned towards her before quickly cutting away. “You are hardly the only one to grow up with rich, neglectful parents,” Edwin said. “Why do you think I was sent away to school in the first place?”

Any and all fight she had had in her died. Fighting with Edwin was supposed to be fun and sharp and quick– it didn’t seem fair to fight him when he was being so honest.

A forced smile spread across her face as she reached out and bumped him with her hand. “Shoulda known you had rich parents,” she said. “Look at how you talk.”

Edwin furrowed his brow. “Everyone at school spoke the way I do.”

“Exactly.”

They sat in silence for a while before Crystal sighed and held out her hand. “Gimme the book,” she said. Which Edwin gracefully did.

The original language was too hard for Crystal to read, but Edwin had written it down in English and then wrote it out phonetically below that. It wasn’t very long, nor was it anything special, just a minor illusion spell. It wouldn’t be enough to trick anyone, or save her from a demon, but it was definitely a start. 

“Charles will be happy you’re trying again,” Edwin said as she ran her hands over the pages. 

“Oh yeah?” she asked. Was that a B or a D? Edwin’s handwriting was so nice it was almost hard to read.

“He takes his job very seriously as the brawn,” Edwin said, as if she needed to be told that. “But it makes him happy to know that you or I could defend ourselves with spells if we had to.”

Once again she snorted. “But you never do,” she said. “And I don’t see how this little spell is supposed to help.”

Edwin nodded. “Never need to. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to in return. Besides, this was one of the first spells I ever learned, and it's a great base to build on.”

And maybe that was a better way of looking at it. Not just defending herself or learning magic that some old, dead person other than Edwin had created when she could just use her own ancestral abilities. No, this was just another way to protect not only herself but the people she had come to love. 

Plus, wouldn’t it be nice to have a base spell that she could work on? If she could master this, maybe she could use some elements from it in her family's own magic.

Slowly, she read the words out as she tried to picture what she wanted to show Edwin. It wouldn’t be perfect, she was sure of that, but God if she wasn’t going to make this time work.

Purple petals and leaves filled the air as the image of the tree inside herself appeared in her palm. It was shaky, the picture almost glitchy and waving before reappearing slightly less detailed than before. It was as if someone had roughly sketched what was inside her without any special art talent.

But dammit, that was her tree, and she had cast it.

“It’s beautiful,” Edwin said. His eyes were wide, and he leaned in. Petals settled over him for a moment before passing through him on the way to the ground. She wondered if that was a ghost thing or a magic thing. 

“This is me,” she said. 

Edwin glanced at her before turning back to the tree. “Your ancestors’ tree,” he said, finally understanding. “I can only imagine how amazing it is in person.”

Pride she hadn’t expected to feel flooded her, filling her tree with even more light until it nearly blinded the two of them. Edwin folded her hands closed, shutting off the spell as they blinked spots from their vision.

She smiled sheepishly and he grinned back at her, one of the first true smiles she thought she had ever seen on his face. 

“We’ll work on that,” he said.

And they would.

[chemblrish]

Hey Lena, any tips for how to make friends in uni as a nerdy but introverted/socially anxious girlie? 🥺 thank youu

Hi!

I need you to know I saw this ask and immediately thought, "Did I just get a message from my past self?" 😅 Nerdy and introverted? Check. Used to have very bad social anxiety? Check. I was in therapy though and it was immensely helpful! I'm still a little shy but doing incomparably better, so I can tell you what I've learnt and hopefully some of it can help you too :)

Excuse the language, but first of all, you need to give yourself a fucking break. Shy people, we tend to fixate on ourselves: our looks, our posture, on whether what we just said was weird, and so, all our flaws (both real and imaginary) appear magnified tenfold - but only to us. Because truth is, nobody else is judging you half as harshly as you're judging yourself. Nobody is analyzing all your jokes or the way you walk. If you trip or say something awkward, it genuinely doesn't matter. It happens to everybody sometimes, it's okay. Remember that there's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you're shy, maybe you're easily overwhelmed, maybe you have very little experience making friends - but none of these make you inherently weird. So give yourself a break. You're sincerely doing a lot better than you think, I promise.

Small talk is actually not a bad thing, no matter what some edgelords may try to tell you. I used to spark up a lot of conversations early on in uni by bringing up things like the last test (because most of the time I'd get a mildly pained sigh in response and then we'd bond over how hard it was and how the professor was crazy lol) or the upcoming lab class ("Any interesting exercises in your schedule?") or how my commute to uni that day wrecked me and hey are you a commuter? Oh, you live in a dorm, how do you like it? And many other things of this sort, because if you think about it, uni is a neverending source of conversation topics when you're a student talking to another student.

You know how shy people are advised to just ask questions because everybody loves talking about themselves? That's not a bad advice. The trick is to be genuinely curious about other people. Don't ask just to say something, ask to hear what that other person has to say. This is helpful for two reasons: it takes the focus away from you (which is exactly where shy people shouldn't keep it) by directing it at the other person, and it actually helps to keep the conversation going, because it allows you to find either another thing that might interest you about that person or something to share about yourself.

Maybe it's obvious, but don't hide yourself. I know it's a lot easier to just curl up in a corner with your phone, but you gotta put yourself out there. Hang out with the rest of your course mates outside the lecture hall as you're all waiting for the professor. Take your time packing up afterwards instead of dashing straight for the exit. Don't look for that secluded spot where you can hide safely with a book (even though your introvert instinct tells you to do just that), be where the other students hang out.

Sometimes you have to keep choosing someone. Storytime with a moral: I took a liking to one of my current friends very early in the first semester. She seemed like exactly the kind of person I wanted to stick with in uni. I'd always come up to her and talk to her first but she hardly ever did the same. For some time I'd think, "Welp, clearly she doesn't dislike me, but she doesn't seem to like me much either." Now I can't even remember when that changed, but in an honest conversation we had maybe last month (so after almost two years of knowing each other!!), she told me she often struggles with figuring out whether someone likes her and wants her around or not, so she usually just stays away. You aren't the only introvert out there. Maybe the person you're trying to befriend is also a little anxious and needs a bit more time and effort from you. Don't give up too easily!

Not all people are your people and that's okay. You'll find that trying to talk to someone continuously feels like a chore no matter your good intentions. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or with them. Everybody can't click with everybody and that's fine!

And lastly: "different friends for different things" is a liberating philosophy. Maybe there's this one person in this one class that you always sit with and get along with well, but it doesn't seem like either of you wants to take it any further than that. Cool! That's your buddy X from Y class. Not everyone has to be your bestie who knows all your secrets and shares all your interests. Be open to the concept of casual friends, so that you don't miss out on the more meaningful relationships by chasing someone who's just not feelin' it if you know what I mean.

Good luck my fellow introvert. Remember getting better at making friends is a process but also a skill that can be practiced and polished. You got this, I'm rooting for you!

[thoseboysinblue]

I Kissed Someone New Last Night

Christian Pulisic x reader

You visit your best friend, Christian, in Milan after a break up.

Word count: 4150+

Warnings: Fluff, swearing, mentions of weight loss, mentions of death of parents

Song Inspo: Kelsea Ballerini's Penthouse (Healed Version)

Requested: No

"Come to Milan" he pleads with you through the phone, "I'm worried about you, y/n."

"Christian, you know I can't do that," you frown at him.

"Please," he says quietly, "you've lost too much weight, you're not taking care of yourself, and no offense but you kind of look like shit," he tries to lighten the mood just a bit.

The truth is, there is nothing stopping you from hopping on the next flight to see your best friend and both of you know it. You broke off your engagement a few months ago, after finding out your fiancé was cheating on you. You also recently quit your job because no matter how hard you tried you always were bumping into him and you desperately needed a fresh start.

You had considered moving to Florida to be closer to Christian's family, the only real support system you had left. And even though he was far away, Christian never failed to be there for you through every heartbreak you had endured in your short life.

The night your mom died when the two of you were in high school, he dropped everything to be by your side, staying with you through all of it, holding you when you cried, staying strong for you when you completely fell apart.

He flew home as soon as he heard the news of your father's passing a few years later, and again, he was your rock. As everything in your life seemed to crash down, he was the constant, steady presence.

His family had welcomed you with open arms, including you in their holidays, family vacations, and trips to visit Christian and watch him play. They always made sure you felt like you had a place to call home. In recent years, you had opted to go to Christian for holidays so that he wouldn't have to spend them alone, the two of you setting about creating your own traditions. That was until your ex came along and you felt like you should spend holidays with him, but it broke your heart knowing Christian was spending them alone again.

Christian never really liked your ex, he couldn't put his finger on exactly why, but something about him made his guard go up. And it broke his heart when he found out he was right all along, maybe if he had said something he could have spared you the heartbreak, but you seemed happy and he wasn't going to interfere if that was truly the case.

"Come see me, I'll take care of you, I'll feed you pasta and let you get drunk on Italian wine. We can see the city together, I haven't gotten to do much exploring yet. It will be good for you to get away, take a break, get some fresh air, come on y/n, please?" he continues to plead with you.

"Ok" you whisper and you see his face light up, immediately grabbing his laptop and searching for flights before you have a chance to change your mind.

"How soon can you leave, looks like I can get you on a flight tonight, or tomorrow," he grins into the phone.

"Christian, you don't have to do that, I'll book something," you roll your eyes at him. He never failed to be generous and take care of you, whatever you needed, you didn't even have to ask most of the time.

"Nope. Not happening. Tonight or tomorrow, y/n? You better give me an answer or I'm closing h my eyes and clicking on whatever I land on," he chuckles.

"Fuck it, tonight," you grin at him, the first genuine smile he's seen from you in as long as he can remember.

You have to admit that the thought of landing in Italy tomorrow morning to spend however long you wanted with Christian makes you a little dizzy.

"Ok, pack your bags sweetheart, I'm sending you your boarding pass now," he smiles at you, "fuck I'm so excited to see you, it's been ages since we've gotten to spend time together."

"Christian, I just saw you this summer in Florida," you chuckle at him.

"Yeah, but that was less than 24 hours and you had the dickhead with you so it doesn't really count," he huffs at you.

"Christian this boarding pass says seat 4C, you did not just book me a first class ticket did you, you jackass."

"I sure did, because I can, and because I wanted to, and because there wasn't much left on the flight anyways. Now, get off the phone and start packing. Call me when you leave for the airport. Love you, y/n."

"Love you too, Chris." you shake your head at him before you hang up.

A few hours later, you have taken care of anything that might need your attention in the next few weeks since you were unsure of exactly when you would be back. You had packed and showered, and were set to leave for the airport. Making one final check that you had everything you needed, you call Christian, who answers sleepily, "I'm headed to the airport," you smile, even though he can't see you. "Ok, I'll see you in the morning," he says through a yawn, "safe travels."

"Thank you for this" you whisper but you can hear him snoring through the phone so you quietly end the call, after whispering another "love you."

You phone dings when you turn it off of airplane mode and you look down to see a message from Christian.

Christian: ciao bella 🤌🏻 there will be a car waiting for you to take you to my apartment. I'll be in training when you land, but should be home when you get there. Can't wait to see you 🫶🏻 Love you.

Y/N: oh god, am I going to be subjected to your attempts at learning Italian?

Y/N: thank you for the flight and arranging the car. I'll meet you at home. I can't wait to see you either. Love you, Chris 🫶🏻

Christian: do not insult my Italian, y/n. On my way home now, see you there 😍

When you arrive, he is waiting outside for you, pulling you into a warm embrace. It feels like he might crush you, but being in his arms heals your soul just a tiny bit.

"You've bulked up," you chuckle, your head resting against his chest. "You're skin and bones" he whispers leaning down to kiss the top of your head.

"Come on" he says retrieving your bags from the car and thanking the driver, waving off your attempts to help carry your things.

He leads you inside his new apartment, sitting your bags just inside the door before intertwining his fingers with yours, "let me show you around," he smiles at you adoringly.

He leads you from room to room, letting you know his plans for each of the ones that aren't quiet fully furnished yet. He grabs your bags as you follow him up the stairs opening the door to what you presume is his bedroom.

"Christian, this is gorgeous," you say taking in the room, the view out of his window to die for.

"It is," he smiles, never taking his eyes off of you.

You and Christian always share a bed when you are together so you aren't sure why it makes you slightly nervous to think about staying with him now, but it does. Your stomach flips as he moves your bag into the walk in closet, sitting your toiletry bag on the bathroom counter.

"Are you tired?" he whispers tucking a loose strand of hair around your ear and settling his hand on you jaw, smiling a the way you lean into him and shake your head, your eyes already a little brighter.

"Hungry?" he grins when you nod.

"You feel up to going somewhere, or do you want me to cook here, or we can order in?"

"We can go out, but can I have a few minutes to freshen up? You know I always feel gross after a long flight."

"Of course," he smiles, leading you into the bathroom, grabbing a towel for you and turning on the shower.

"Thank you," you whisper, wrapping your arms around his waist, "for everything," a couple of tears slip from your eyes which you try to hide from him but he definitely notices.

"Always, y/n" he breathes out, kissing you on the forehead.

After your shower, you wrap yourself in a towel, walking into Christian's room so that you can grab some clothes out of your suitcase. Christian is sitting on the bed when you walk out of the bathroom and his heart sinks when he realizes just how thin you've gotten. He knows it's just from the stress, and that you tend to lose weight when you are dealing with heavy emotions, and that you always return to your normal with a little TLC, usually from him.

He doesn't say anything, he knows he doesn't have to, you can read perfectly well the look of concern on his face.

"I'll be fine, Christian," you whisper as he nods.

"I know you will be now," he offers you a weak smile, but the look of concern is still evident.

You quickly get dressed, noticing that Christian has already unpacked your things and placed them on the empty shelves in his closet, your heart fluttering at the kind gesture.

"Come here" he gestures, patting the empty space on the bed beside him.

You waste no time in climbing over him and tucking yourself into his side, your head resting on his chest as he scratches your back.

"You know I'm here for anything you need, right? Forever." he speaks quietly.

You nod, allowing the familiar sound of his heart and his scent to wash over you. You never feel more cared for than you do when you are wrapped in Christian's arms, his warm embrace always soothing you, no matter what is going on in your life.

"You sure you don't want a nap," he asks quietly, a small yawn escaping his lips.

"We can nap if you are tired, Chris," you whisper.

"That's not what I asked," he chuckles.

Your stomach rumbles loudly and he kisses you on the top of the head, "food first, then naps."

He takes you to a small restaurant close to his apartment, filling you with as much pasta as you can hold before you make the short walk back to his place.

Once you arrive back at Christian's, he closes the room darkening shades in his living room and the two of you settle down on the couch to watch a movie.

Before long, you fall asleep wrapped up in Christian's arms and he does the same. You aren't sure how long you've slept when you stir slightly, waking Christian up.

"You ok?" he whispers into the dark, a sigh escaping his lips when you nod and nuzzle your face into his chest. You let out a giggle when his stomach rumbles, "you can't be hungry again, Chris."

"I'm starving, actually" he chuckles when you move slightly allowing him to stand up and pull you to your feet. He makes the two of you a sandwich, both of you eating before heading up to get changed for bed.

You wander out of the en-suite bathroom in Christian's room after finishing your skincare to find Christian sitting in the bed, already under the covers.

You give him a hesitant look, chewing on your bottom lip, "you sure you want me to stay in here, I could stay in the guest room or..." you trail off as he stands up and makes his way over to you wrapping you in a hug.

"Why wouldn't you stay in here, we've been sharing a bed since we were kids, y/n," he says quietly his hand stroking your back.

"I don't know," you whisper, "I just wasn't sure you wanted me in here."

"Of course I do," he says taking your hand and guiding you towards the bed, "but only if you want to be in here. I can definitely get you set up in the guest room if you would feel more comfortable."

"No, this is fine," you offer him a smile, your moment of anxiety passing.

"You know, I think my parents always thought we were up to something when we kept sharing a bed when we got older," he chuckles, "led to me getting the talk from my dad on more than one occasion."

"No, really?" you groan, your cheeks painted with embarrassment as you try to hide your face with your hands.

"Mmmhmmm" he laughs pulling your hands from your face, "I think they were worried that we might figure out that one of us is a boy and the other is a girl when we were younger, but as we got older, I think there were secretly rooting for it."

"I figured they would eventually put a stop to it, but I guess they trusted you far more than the trusted me," he grins.

"Guess we've disappointed them then," you chuckle tucking yourself into his side as he kisses the top of your head.

"Sleep well, y/n, wake me if you need anything," he whispers as he turns off the lights leaving the two of you wrapped up in nothing but the darkness and each other's arms.

The next several days in Milan Christian works to improve your mood as much as he can, enjoying when he catches flickers of you returning to your normal self.

You wake up early with him, enjoying quiet mornings before he has to leave for training. He even asks if he can bring you along for a few sessions giving you a chance to catch up with his old Chelsea teammates. You spend afternoons wandering the city and learning Italian with him. Evenings, which he knows you typically dread, are spent, snuggled up together watching movies or binge watching some of your favorite series.

Being constantly surrounded by Christian's presence is working wonders for you, you can feel yourself healing from everything you've been through the past few months. During a face time with Christian's mom she mentions that she can tell both of you are in a better place mentally and physically and that she's glad you are getting to spend some time together.

You cannot deny how much you enjoy being with him, here in a safe bubble, seemingly protected from the outside world. And Christian, he's enjoying your company more and more each day. Things are seamless and comfortable between the two of you, conversations are easy, and the silences are never awkward.

He has been thrilled to have you with him as he embarks on a new season with Milan. You've been able to travel to away games with him and we're blown away on your first trip to the San Siro.

One particularly warm evening after a match, you walk out of the bathroom in a pair of pajamas that show far more skin than any others you've worn around him. You pretend not to notice the way his breath hitches in his throat when he sees you and the way his eyes follow you as you slip into bed next to him.

"You ok?" you whisper, resting your head on his chest noticing the way his heart is hammering away.

"Couldn't be better," he sighs, trailing his hands over the exposed skin on your back and shoulders noticing when your skin erupts in goosebumps, a reaction he's not used to from you.

"I've got the next couple of days off, I thought we might take a little trip to Lake Como tomorrow, have some lunch, see the area," he says quietly, a hint of nervousness in his voice.

"That sounds nice," you whisper, turning to place a kiss to his chest.

"And I have a surprise for you tomorrow night," he smiles as you turn to look him in the eyes, resting your chin on his chest.

"You know I hate surprises," you grin, a glint of playfulness in your eyes.

"I know, but this is a good one, and you're not getting it out of me," he grins back at you, tickling your sides and making you squeal.

"Now, let's get some sleep, we have an early morning tomorrow," he says, reaching to turn off the light and gesturing for you to turn on your side so that he can be the big spoon.

"Good night y/n," he whispers, "love you," as he places a feather light kiss on your shoulder, so light you almost don't notice it.

"Good night, Chris, love you too." You whisper back to him, intertwining your fingers with his.

The next morning, you both wake up early and have a quick breakfast before leaving for the day's adventure. Lake Como is more beautiful than you could imagine and you share a lunch that borderlines on romantic at a small cafe that overlooks the lake.

"I can't believe we are here," you nudge him with your shoulder as you walk down a small path towards the waters edge.

"I'm sure you could sweep some lucky girl off of her feet here," you chuckle at him noticing the way his cheeks turn a light shade of pink.

"Probably, but that's not what today is about is it," he rolls his eyes at you, "today is about me and you spending time together, not me scoping out potential date spots."

"I know, but what better place to fall in love than Italy, Christian," you say, twirling yourself around in front of him, missing the absolutely smitten look on his face.

"Maybe," he shrugs his shoulders, his eyes never leaving you.

"Are you going to tell me what this surprise is?" you ask him, looping your arm through his and resting your head on his shoulder. Noticing the way his skin reacts to your fingers tracing over his skin.

You like Kelsea Ballerini right?" he asks, as he rests his head on the top of yours as you both of you stare out over the water at the colorful houses dotting the horizon.

"I do, her new album is practically an anthem for my life right now, why?" you breathe out, shuddering as his arm wraps around your waist and pulls you closer to him.

"She's playing at the stadium tonight, and I might have gotten tickets for us," he says lowly, tilting his head up so that he can look you in the eyes and see your reaction.

"Playing at the stadium, as in your stadium? In Milan?" you nearly squeal, turning to fully face him as he nods.

"Thank you," your voice comes out low, barely above a whisper as tears well in your eyes, "for this, and for everything, you've always been the one person I could count on no matter what, and I honestly don't know what I would do without you."

You press a gentle kiss to his cheek, lingering a bit longer than normal as you notice him swallow dryly.

Leaning back slightly, you take in his features, suddenly mesmerized by his beauty. You've always known Christian was attractive, that much was obvious to you, but Italy has done him a world of good. His summer tan has lingered a bit longer, freckles dancing over his skin, and his eyes seem a bit brighter and more full of hope than you've seen them in a while. You catch your gaze lingering over his lips, noticing how soft and plump they are and wondering what they might feel like pressed against your own.

Christian has been your best friend for as long as you can remember, there isn't a single core memory of yours that doesn't involve him, being here with him the past couple of weeks, his patience, support and attentiveness have healed parts of you you didn't know needed healing.

Part of you never thought it was possible to develop feelings for him beyond friendship, and yet, when he's looking at you the way he is at this very moment, it makes you wonder if there couldn't be something more there.

"You're staring," he whispers, enjoying the flood of color that rushes to your cheeks.

"Am I not allowed to stare at my best friend? You're kind of beautiful you know?" you say, your eyes never leaving his.

"You're the beautiful one," he whispers, leaning down and glancing at your lips, almost as if he's thinking of kissing them before kissing the tip of your nose.

You turn, facing the horizon again as his arms squeeze your waist. "I love it here," you breathe out, feeling him nod as he rests his chin on your shoulder, but you aren't quite sure if by "here" you mean your actual location, or if you mean in Christian's arms.

"We should go," he gives you a gentle squeeze and slides his hand into yours.

The car ride home is quiet, he can tell you're lost in your own thoughts and he'd give anything to know what you are thinking about as you stare out of the window. Truthfully, he's a bit lost in his on thoughts as well, trying to come to terms with everything he's been feeling over the last few days.

Back at his apartment, you start getting ready for the concert, Christian ordering dinner for the two of you to eat as you get ready. You pick out a flowy dress, something that accentuates your best features, wanting to look pretty for yourself, and you catch yourself thinking that you also want to look pretty for him. You want him to be proud to have you with him, not that he's ever made you feel otherwise.

Once you are finally ready to go, you walk out of his bathroom about the same time as he walks out of his closet, also dressed and ready to go. You both silently stare at each other, soaking one another in before his lips curl slightly at the edges as he makes his way over to you.

"You look beautiful as always," he smiles, pressing a kiss to your cheek, dangerously close to the corner of your mouth.

"So do you," you blush slightly at his compliment as he takes your hand and leads you to the car waiting to pick you up.

The concert is amazing, Christian never leaves your side, and most of the night he has one or both arms wrapped around your waist.

As the first notes of "Penthouse" ring out around the stadium he moves so that he is standing behind you, both arms around your waist and his chin resting on your shoulder as he gently sways with you to the music.

Tears well in your eyes at the words that seem so very personal to you, a few spill over as Christian grips onto your hips turns you around. He brings his hands up to cup your face as he brushes the tears from your cheeks with his thumbs as the music fades out.

You're staring at each other, both of you knowing exactly what is coming next, as she belts out the healed version of "I kissed someone new last night, and now I don't care where your sleeping baby," Christian presses his lips to yours.

The kiss is soft and slow, and without a moment's hesitation you grip your fingertips into his t-shirt as you melt into the kiss; his lips slotting perfectly against yours, just as you had imagined they would. Suddenly, it feels like all of the pieces have fallen into place.

He pulls back and rests his forehead against yours, "I love you, y/n" he says quietly, only loud enough for you to hear. A couple of tears fall from your eyes, as you nod and say "I love you too, Christian."

"No, baby, I need you to understand what I'm saying. I'm in love with you, I am desperately in love with you," he says as he bumps his nose against yours.

"I know, and I'm in love with you too," you grin, a squeal escaping your lips as he picks you up and spins you around.

"Stay in Italy with me, I can't bare for you to leave me," he says as he pulls you closer to him, burying his face into your neck, "we can both start over here, and we can start building a life together," he says hesitantly, searching your features for an answer he is hoping will be yes.

You nod and he crashes his lips back to yours in a much heavier yet still reserved kiss considering you are in public.

"So you're staying," he mumbles against your lips.

"I'm staying" you grin, "until you're sick of me."

"That's never going to happen sweetheart," he smiles sweetly, "never."

Tag list:

@chelseagirl98 @neverinadream @masonspulisic @pulisicsgirl @swimmingismywholelife @lovelynikol16 @nyctophilic0vitnir @lunamelona @tall-tanned-tattoo @lizzypotter14

[4-ustin]

Random ass headcanons for the Outsiders

(Angst Warning lmao)

Ponyboy Curtis

-Eventually had to quit smoking because he got bronchitis from it, that lead to him having to quit track n' feild

-He kept that note from Johnny for the rest of his life, at one point he cut out Johnny's signature and put the paper in a locket necklace

-For a long time Dallas' last word being "Pony" made him cry whenever he remembered it (Ik this is only movie canon but I just love it"

-He hung out at the empty lot a ton more after everything because it somehow made him feel closer to Johnny and Dally

-Has accidentally called Darry "Dad" more

-He can speak french almost fluently

Johnny Cade

-He hated when people compared him to a puppy because he was a cat person and dogs legit scared him

-He actually really wanted to tell Ponyboy that he loved him in his last words (That doesn't have to be romantically, I think it's more platonic but at the same time to each their own)

-The note Johnny had written to Ponyboy and left in the book was written in purple crayon, he wanted it to be red since that's Ponyboy's favourite colour but the nurse didn't have any red crayons

-The doctor who was keeping Mrs. Cade back and the nurse who told Johnny his mom was there were both "Considering calling CPS on that crazy lady if that kid survives,"

Dallas Winston

-When Dallas said "Pony..." right before he died, he was trying to tell him to stay alive. In a "Dont be like me" sense

-He was actually a really good boyfriend to Sylvia, almost to simping degrees, he doesn't get a lot of affection so he was starved for whatever Sylvia was giving him. It was totally toxic for him, and Johnny was always worried about it

-His skull ring was stolen from a thrift store, he stole it when he was 12

-Drunk cryer

Two-Bit Matthews

-If you asked him who his best friend in the gang was, he'd probably say Darry.

-If you asked who's the most fun to fuck around with though, he'd say Dallas

-Him and Dallas slash car tires together

-He basically has to raise his younger sister because their mother is a dysfunctional hoarder (I saw the hoarder hc somewhere else but I don't remember who)

-His younger sister's name is Katie, and he calls her Katie-cat like Teddy from The Christmas Chronicles

-He likes to fuck with Socs, but he also mildly fucks with other greaser gangs

-#1 brother, buys Katie dolls and helps her out on her period (he paid extra attention to the period segment of Health class because he knew he'd have to be the one to take care of that)

Sodapop Curtis

-Definitely had Steve help him write the note to Ponyboy because his handwriting is barely legible.

-He's dyslexic.

-When Ponyboy had run off with Johnny he actually tried to confide in Sandy, but she couldn't stand to talk to him except over the phone so the only person Soda trusted to talk to was Steve

-Soda is a terrible cook

-When Soda is sitting down with Darry and Ponyboy before he ran out he was trying to discreetly cover his ears, and if Pony and Darry were paying attention to anything other than their own fighting they'd see Soda's about-to-cry eyes

-Can't fix a car to save his life, at least not like Steve can. He can door minor stuff but that's it.

-His first kiss was Steve by complete accident, the two were quite literally butting heads in the 6th grade. Nobody knows except them and they had this whole oath to never tell anybody

Steve Randle

-His parents split up, he has a step-dad and a step-mom and his bio parents are still on good terms. They aren't even legally divorced because neither of them could afford it

-He's actually pretty good friends with Buck like Dallas is because Buck brings his T-Bird to the DX whenever he needs something done with it, Buck is Steve's best-paying customer

-Steve's favourite pass-time is throwing glass bottles at Soc cars and ditching

-Steve favours his step-dad to his step-mom because he thinks his step-mom is taking advantage of his dad

-He actually has a step-sister but she's like 22 and in college

Darry Curtis

-Darry does indeed cry when Ponyboy calls him dad

-He genuinely had panic attacks before going to bed the whole week Ponyboy was gone

-Man has anxiety problems but wasn't actually diagnosed until the late 80's when he finally stopped being an "I don't need any help" man and decided to go to therapy... in his forties.

-Darry fucking loves dogs

-He would carry Johnny around like a doll if he needed to (if Johnny was in his way or needed to be pulled away from something)

[silent-browser]

Fuck it. Insane yandere with a noise sensitive darling.

The very first time he ever saw you scared was because of a particularly aggressive phone conversation he was having back when he still considered himself stable. It was also the first time he ever felt his psyche crack.

It was supposed to be date night. Going to pick out a some books in the library and then off to a small vietnamese place near by that had amazing pho. A perfect and quiet night out. A night was was interrupted and nearly ruined before it even got started.

Work. Always work. A crappy office with even crappier management. They tried to call him in.

You can cover so-and-so's shift can't you? You will get recommended for that higher position we were talking about last time if you do.

Rudeness at its finest. He explained politely that he had a prior commitment and that he can't come in.

If it's a partner I'm sure they wouldn't mind. After all it's more money in your bank account and you can just make it up to them later.

He still can't come in. He just wants to spend a relaxing night with his-

If you can't commit yourself fully to this company I'm afraid that we may just have to write you up for insubordination. Now you should really consider what's more important. Your lively hood or one insignificant person.

He felt like an explosion went off in his brain. He roared down the receiver of the phone. How dare they threaten his job. His income. His darling. Disgusting, awful things were said that night, including threats to sue and rip that whole company to shreds. That eventful phone call ended when he threw his phone at the opposite end of the couch he was sitting on.

With frustration and rage still swimming in his mind he started ranting. Growling and pacing his living room like a caged predator when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. He had whipped around and was ready to rip into whomever touched him until he realized who was standing there as well as the expression on their face.

His partner. His lovely partner was standing there. Shaken. Scared. He didn't mean to make you scared. He's so sorry. Please let him hug you. You don't like certain loud noises? He's even more sorry. He wishes he knew sooner. Reassureances that an outburst like that won't happen infront of you again.

The second time he saw that frightened look on your precious face was when he went on trial for murdering three entire departments from his office.

He saw you in the audience of that trial. He wanted to catch your eye. Hopeing to get across the message that he would be home soon. Instead he saw raw fear and disbelief. And suddenly the extra time off he had gained through the murdering of all those people didn't feel like an accomplishment. It felt like shame.

The crying mothers and screaming loved ones never moved him. The guilty charge didn't get phase him. Life in prison even seemed preferable at the time. Anything to get him to stop looking at and remembering your terrified face.

The third and hopefully final time he saw that look, the one that haunted his nightmares and delusions now, was when he came back.

Prison really only did one good thing for him. Gave him time to work out. He had never been stronger or in better shape. Hopefully it was a shape you were attracted to, was a common thought for him during his time in prison. In every other aspect it only caused him to get worse. Nightmares of you running away from him, hallucinations of your voice telling him that you didn't love him anymore but worst of them all were the visions of your body, broken and bruised, usually accompanied by more auditory hallucinations of you telling him that this was all his fault. He was tortured by his own mind daily. So when he finally got out he made it his new life's mission to take care of his darling. Whatever the cost.

He had to be quiet when breaking into your new house. Loud noises scare darling. If I scare darling I'm an awful and unworthy boyfriend. Don't scare them don't scare them don't scare them.

He had to be careful when drugging you. Darling hates needles... But this is necessary! But darling hates needles... Please don't hate me...

He had to be confident leaving your house. Nothing to see here. Just a man with THE MOST WONDERFUL AND AMAZING HUMAN BEING IN HIS ARMS, and wrapped in a carpet. I hope they can breathe in there... Have I suffocated them!? Have I just killed my darling!?!

He had to rush to the car and speed off.

He keeps you in a cabin now. Deep in a forest. No news from the modern world reaches here. None of the reports of an escaped convict from a mental asylum (but that was allowed right? He escaped for true love after all.). No reports about his old boss being found in his home, gutted and torn apart with his heart removed (that heart would make a fantastic anniversary present! A show of his devotion and ability). No reports about the expartner of the infamous workplace ripper suddenly disappearing the same night as the asylum escape. (Better this way in his opinion. Those other FAKES didn't really care about you. They were only reporting it because the story would bring in some money. Hmm... Maybe he should visit that news station soon... Teach them the error of their ways...)

[canis-familiaris-neurosis]

had the most fucked up dream so im posting about it here

there was this girl who found me in the cafe who i talked with about a book me, her, and another girl she came into the cafe with read, she starts flirting with me and i get all flustered and everything til unfortunately it was time to me to go back home

spend most of my time sulking in my room til i find her on some kind of social media. we're both surprised and delighted to meet each other again and we start talking. eventually i ask her if she had a discord, she says yes, then i give her my username and she gives hers, and next thing you know it, we're in group chat with me, her, and her friend chatting about that book. then she asks me if i had any plans on the 4th? and i said no, and next she tells me she has a birthday party that time and i'm free to come over and hang out if i want and i *immediately* said yes

when the day came, i was ready pretty early and waited at the front of my grandparents(?) house. saw her car pull up and i immediately go in. we stopped just to pick up a few orders from the carinderia once we're close enough and that's where i met her friend and that was the point where we introduce each other's internet aliases

which i CAN share PURELY because i realized they're references to songs i just listened to last night and; hers was skeleton_bones (like the will wood song), her friend's is starspacegirl (from frances forever), and mine was dog.days (florence + the machine). from this point on, i'm gonna refer to them with their usernames

once we pick up, star takes over driving the car to her house while bones decided to go there instead— we're probably not gonna get in trouble since i mean, it's a small town and no one would really gaf

it was a pretty small garage party, there's a few tables and seats set out and her family are all there. it's nice. i meet her family and they're all very chill and even tease us both a bit. we sit next to each other and start talking again, and this time we start asking about each other

the thing is, i can't quite remember all the questions she asked though. the only one i can really remember was, "do you think we were supposed to meet?"

so anyway, the party continues on in the background while all three of us are just hanging out. bones starts flirting with me again, then directly asks me if i wanted to go take it somewhere "private". i said yes and she kisses me on the cheek; star just goes "ooooh" and starts cheering and laughing while i'm still absolutely *reeling*

we stop when bones's mom starts calling over to the three of us and she starts nervously asking if any of us heard of an announcement from the government and right on cue, alarms start going off on our phones and there's an announcement;

Evacuate on the 4th immediately.

i should've brought this up earlier— but this was something that had been showing up for a while, the thing is that no one has been paying attention to this announcement so far; not until it's at this point where i saw that some of the stars on the sky was burning brighter than everywhere else

everyone starts running. star tells us to go without her because she's "waiting" for something, so bones takes my hand and we both start running to the back of the house and get into the garden and start clambering down a sort of bunker. but there was nothing inside

i ask her if this is it— if this was supposed to be the bomb shelter we're evacuating in, because it's so fucking *shallow* and there's literally nothing else in there that could help us. with a morose look in her eyes, i don't think she understood what i actually meant, but regardless she tells me;

"This has always been it."

And then I woke up.

[bimbinis]

I remember seeing this post circulating about a year ago or so and I'm surprised it's making the rounds again because back then I smelled bullshit and when I checked the notes I saw multiple people pointing out the exact kind of bullshit it was. the irony is that in order to substantially disagree with the article you have to be the kind of person who bothers reading articles people link on tumblr. if you do so while also applying some scrutiny you'll notice that it's pure and simple boomer circlejerking. the majority of it is Hari giving a negative Yelp review on his own vacation experience interspersed with paragraphs of him (allegedly, we'll get to that) citing scientists and academics that seem like they are echoing the same sentiment but are really just saying unrelated things. To start with the quote highlighted

as someone else already said in the replies, it's already concerning from the get go to operate under the assumption of the existence of a "normal brain" as a thing that means anything, but the concentration time estimates are also meaningless without anything to compare to from before whatever it is that Hari is estimating to be the "point of collapse". You can't draw an unfavorable comparison without having anything to compare to!

but beyond that, this one paragraph is the one time one his quotes actually constructs the problem as some type of measurable change to the brain (and even then the actual numbers he presented don't even show any kind of change at all because we have nothing to compare them to). every following expert he's supposedly quoting is simply discussing how concentration works and what might get in the way of it. one of them argues that multitasking isn't actually real and that what we're actually doing is changing focus really fast, which makes our performance at all tasks we're trying to perform in the moment that require concentration suffer.

but it cannot be extrapolated from these quotes that this is a long lasting change to the brain itself. the tests that are mentioned in this section are measuring attention applied to a single current task.

the following scientist is just describing how focusing works.

for the rest of the article he just talks about how the evidence seems to point towards the factors making it harder to concentrate being systemic conditions: workers are not being allowed to fully disconnect from work because we're accessible at all time from our phones, we undersleep, are constantly stressed, etc. and that all negatively affects capacity for concentration. this is all pretty uncontroversial, however its clear that the entire thesis of this article is hinging on the idea presented early on that this is a problem that profoundly altered your brain in a measurable, physiological way, which once again, has not been meaningfully substantiated!

this may seem like a nitpick because a lot of the rest of what's said (how attention span works, how it's bad that our bosses increasingly encroach on our free time, that we're stressed and tired and need a fucking break etc etc) is pretty uncontroversial and agreeable. dare I say, to the point that it doesn't even need to be said, perhaps.

which is where the problem lies to me. if it's an article that just says "you can't afford to focus on things that would take more work and be more fulfilling to you because the way the world is structured demands your constant attention for bullshit you don't care about" that would probably be more of a manifesto (probably one much more explicit about the names of the systems that cause this state of affairs, too, like the one about literacy going around a few days ago) and much less of a "scientific" article that also gets to promote your shitty book. it would have much less of the sense of urgency Hari is trying to invoke by gesturing in the direction of the brain thing because for some reason people are much more easily alarmed by the idea their brain is secretly being tampered with than the idea that their lives already suck and they can already tell, and we should do something about it, despite the fact that the article depends on you basically already believing all this in order to agree with it and not scrutinize it very deeply. that fabricated sense of urgency is what enables him to go

and this should ring like 1000 alarm bells to everyone because any time anyone writing a "science article" goes "some scientists say this, others say that, who's to say what's true or not? (but here's why you should definitely treat this side as the right one)" without elaborating on what really is the disparity between these two sides that are seemingly on equal footing, its probably because they're trying to deceive you. in fact the particular invocation of alarm to justify "acting without perfect evidence" reminds me of how the MMR vaccine scare was constructed in the same way (luckily Hari is just trying to sell you his shitty book and his proposed solutions are also quite benign, hopefully it doesn't segue into him asking for needless invasive procedures to be performed on children just to prove his theory or anything).

and keep in mind who it is that is trying to sell you said book bc this is what his wikipedia page looks like

and if you go in that last section here's what it says about the book in question

which is what I meant when I said he allegedly quotes the academics he mentions.

it's clear that this article continues to get spread around despite the fact that it doesn't say anything of substance because people already believe what's in it. it's probably not a very big deal, as I said the article is mostly not even wrong, just kinda trash, but there is something supremely ironic about people reinforcing their preexisting beliefs about shrinking attention spans by using an article they must not have read or paid much close attention to cuz if they did they probably would have been turned off by the sheer amount of privileged whining that his expensive vacation was ruined bc his godson watches too much porn

Your attention didn’t collapse. It was stolen by Johann Hari

[snowflakebyyou]

We were casual. You want to stay like that forever - until your person comes. But in the meantime, I’ll keep the seat warm yeah?

We started , it ended because you went away. Then back again when you came back, but this time - we didn’t want to date each other , all that we had was sexual chemistry. Fun.

December weekly, January weekly, February I gave up my celibacy and the weekly visits continued. Then he went away again. And I figured it was over, but you spoke to me when you were away and I thought, oh. Maybe he likes me. Just maybe.

You got home and in the same 12 hours you were already in my bed. Does he actually like me, or is he just horny? yeah. I see that now. Casual we said. The sleepovers we spent wrapped up, pretzel cuddles I thought. Tight morning squeezes, the morning slow. The morning sex - my favourite. I didn't want those mornings to stop, cosy. Always turned on when we would be near each other, his energy had an effect on me. He made me laugh. I cried. Saunas, wine, silent knowing every part of me. All behind the safety of my bedroom door. Everyone knew. Casual we said.

But it stopped feeling casual when you saw who I was. You noticed and put words to parts of me I've hidden from everyone else. I didn't want you to. You don't want me, why should you see me. I slipped up; I was comfortable, safe. You were so determined to break down my walls, that when you did, you all of a sudden couldn't hold me anymore. You saw what was behind them and its all too much. Just casual, we said.

Until you finally softened up, my yapping turned to yours, and my silence was filled by the stories of your mind, questioning the walks if the universe, but never about the x who broke you. Your friends questioned what you were doing with me, " its been a year" they say. Yet, you still can't understand why or how I've fallen for you the way I have. Either can I. Casual, we said.

Its just casual, but now it's not. convenient for you, maybe. Not casual, nor convenient for me. I am, only human.

You make me laugh, you had me in my place. You became safe. I told you I couldn't do it anymore, but I did. I kept doing it. An argument over the fire about the girl I knew you'd want. But i made a big deal out of nothing... I blocked your friend after he booty called me; you still like her photos. We are not the same.

It scared the fuck out of me, because now; you had the power. I care to much about a boy who can't like me. I tensed up, my heart sank.

"Booked for 6.30, you little minx" - We get to hang out. and you organised it. I was so excited. We spent the night. and I knew it was the last time. I really held on to those tight morning squeezes that morning. I knew you weren't going to want to be with me, so I stayed quiet, enjoyed the last hour of us. the us that doesn't actually even exist. I had the note written in my phone waiting to send to you. Knowing exactly what you would say. Just. Casual. We said.

The last wake up cuddles with your arm around my entire body. Your head resting on my neck. The last squeeze. We get up. Double shot coffee for you, fruit for us. You looked at me, for a second I thought maybe, just maybe; you would feel the same. I hoped.

But I knew it was the last little slice of a morning we would spend together. Just casual we said, and for you. It is. As tinder pops off on your phone, I downloaded bumble to feel better; I didn't.

Loyalty is a funny thing. Cause what did we owe each other?

I send the message, I already know the response too. Silent crying. I thought this was it, the boy I wanted to give up being single for; It was finally my time. You have no idea, how it felt to wait 6 hours for a reply, that said what I already knew. I so desperately wanted to be wrong this time. I'm not her, for you. If I was, this would be simple. It's ok I say. Just casual, I tried to remember.

I am sad. The cuddles are done, the cheeky messages, the banter. the "red wine, red light infused nights, with the undertone of yapping", is done. Just like that. The safety, the one sided feelings. Its over. Just casual.

Bit by bit, I've pulled away since hearing about Tash. Bit by bit, I've tried to pull pieces of myself back from you. I hadn't realise how much there was to pull back. And how little you had given me of you. Just casual I try to repeat to myself as I cry into my pillow, because again, I fell for the boy who can't won't, be with just me.

He'll find her. The lower maintenance one. I'll grieve a part of me I had found, and lost again. I won't see you, because the universe has a way of protecting me when I let it. And then one day. I'll be so over it. We will run into each other, and barely exchange a smile; pretend we never touched, or kissed. Never talked the way we did. We'll forget how it felt to be around each other. Just casual it was.

I'll move on when I'm ready and one day, like they all have; you'll get a random memory of me or maybe you'll see me. Maybe you'll realise what you let go, and how you could have never been the man I deserved or needed. You couldn't come close to loving me right. I'll quietly thank the universe for protecting me again, from a man who refused to even try to love me.

Just casual, you said.

L, xox.

[snoo360]

The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt

 

 

- "But what are you going to do with me?" I asked fot the second time, pushing back in my chair, a crackle of panic rising in my voice. It had all seemed very informal when I'd turned off the television and left the apartment with them, for a bite to eat as they'd said. Nobody had said a word about removing me from my home. [...] "Well, Theo [...] you're a minor child in need of immediate care. We're going to need to place you in same kind of emergency custody". 

 

- During his time home from school with me, Andy apologized for having to study, "but unfortunatly it's neccesary," he said, sniffling and wiping his nose on his sleeve. His course load was incredibly demanding and he couldn't afford to fall even a day behind. While he labored over what seemed endless amounts of schoolwork I sat on the floor with my back against th side of his dresser, counting silently to myself: this time only three days ago she was alive, this time four days, a week. In my mind, I went over all the meals we'd eaten in the days leading up to her death: our last visite to the Greek diner, our last visit to Shun Lee Palace, the last dinner she'd cooked for me (spaghetti carbonara) and the last dinner before that. 

 

- Everything was lost, I had fallen off the map: the disorientation of being in the wrong apartment, with the wrong family, was wearing me down, so I felt groggy and punch-drunk, weepy almost, like an interrogated prisoner prevented from sleeping for days. Over and over, I kept thinking 'I've got to go home' and then, for the millionth time, 'I can't.' 

 

- I hadn't been at school since the day my mother died and as long as I stayed away her death seemed unofficial somehow. But once I went back it would be a public fact. Worse: the thought of returning to any kind of normal routine seemed disloyal, wrong. It kept being a shock every time I remembered it, a fresh slap; she was gone. Every new event - everything I did for the rest of my life - would only seperat us more and more: days she was no longer a part of, an ever-growing distance between us. Every single day for the rest of my life, she would only be further away. 

 

- The strange thing: the last day I'd been in the building, she was alive. I kept on thinking it, and every time it was new: last time I opened this locker, last time I touched this stupid fucking 'Insights in Biology' book, last time I saw Lindy Maisel putting on lip gloss with the plastic wand. It seemed hardly credible that I couldn't follow these moments back to a world where she wasn't dead. 

 

- "What about you?" I said, rubbing my eyes. "Eh?" he said, looking at me with a smile. "What's up?" Will I see you again?" "Maybe," he said, in the same cheerful tone I imagined him using with Bambian dJudy the barkeep's wife in Karmeywallag and everyone else in his life he'd ever said goodbye to. "Who knows?" "Will you meet me in a day or two?" "Well-" "Join me later. Take a plane - you have the money. I'll call you and tell you where I am. Don't say no." "Okay then," said Boris, in the same cheerful voice. "I won't say no." But clearly from his tone, he was saying no. 

 

- When I was a boy, after my mother died, I always tried hard to hold her in my mind as I was falling asleep so maybe I'd dream of her, only I never did. Or, rather, I dreamed of her constantly, only as absence, not presence: a breeze blowing through a just-vacated house, her handwriting on a notepad, the smell of her perfume, streets in strange lost towns where I knew she'd been walking only a moment before but had just vanished, a shadow moving away against a sunstruck wall. Sometimes I spotted her in a crowd, or in a taxicab pulling away, and these glimpses of her I treasured despite the fact that I was never able to catch up with her. Always, ultimately, she eluded me: I'd always just missed her call, or misplaced her phone number; or run up breathless and gasping to the place where she was supposed to be, only to find her gone. 

 

- " I know, I know, but hear me out. You read 'The Idiot', right? Right. Well, 'Idiot' was very disturbing book to me. [...] Because all Myshkin ever did was good... unselfish... he treated all persons with understanding and compassion and what resulted from this goodness? Murder! Disaster! I used to worry about this a lot. Lie awake at night and worry! Because - why? How could this be? I read that book loke three times, thinking I wasn't understanding right. Myshkin was kind, loved everyone, he was tender, always forgave, he never did a wrong thing - but he trusted all the wrong people, made all bad decisions, hurt everyone aound him. Very dark message to this book. 'Why be good?' But - this is what took hold on me last night, riding here in the car. What if - is more compllicated than that? What if maybe opposite is true as well? Because, if bad can sometimes come from good actions-? where does it ever say, anywhere, that only bad can come from bad actions? Maybe sometimes. the wrong way is the right way? You can take the wrong path and it still comes out where you want to be? Or, spin it another way, sometimes you can do everything wrong and it still turns out to be right?" "I'm not sure I see your point."

[devildancing]

[GROUND]: during a moment of intense emotional stress, the sender gently takes the receiver's face in their hands to ground them until they're calmer again.

❝ You're not real. ❞

She holds onto that truth like the lifeline that it is, her amethyst eyes staring down the metaphorical barrel of a gun at the cruel blue gaze of this apparition that refuses to give her any peace. This isn't how she remembers him; this isn't the way that he is in all her ancient memories. A thousand-plus years have lent themselves to a little blurring — Alexandra can't quite remember the shape of his nose or even how tall he was. ( Regardless of how this thing is towering over her. ) Oh, but she remembers exactly how he used to look at her! His were the kindest eyes that she had ever seen.

Whatever or whoever this is, it's a mockery.

❝ Samael is dead. ❞

Has been for some time now, but who's counting the centuries like days and each individual year like minutes? The fae can only take a sharp, unnecessary breath at the cold touch of their fingertips against her golden cheek. He certainly feels real enough.

" Right. " His agreement comes all too easily, head nodding almost indulgently. It's almost perverse how different he is from her memory. " You killed me. "

❝ I was just a girl... ❞

" I had a whole life ahead of me. "

❝ I didn't know... ❞

" And now look at me! "

Her frightened cry echoes through the empty space of her living room, fingers splayed over the gaping wound that has materialized on his chest. There's nothing where his heart should be, no thump against her fingertips or drumming against her shaking palm. No life, no light. Black just oozes from the spot, trickling from the ducts of his eyes and the corners of his mouth. No longer a man, but a pallid and whithered creature. This is how she last saw him, the one memory that will never leave her no matter how she tries to let it go.

" I loved you! "

❝ I know — I'm sorry! ❞ Her knees knock against the hardwood floor, reduced to kneeling as blonde hair spills over shaking shoulders. ❝ I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I never wanted — I never... ❞

The hands that cradle her face are gentle and warm, heavy with a pricey foreign cologne that immediately calls her back to the mortal realm. He was here. He was real. All it had taken was a phone call and he'd booked a flight; now he was here in her home in a city that he hated...and he was pulling her back to him. The gaze that glances back up at him is green and wet, tears still clinging to her long lashes as she struggles to catch her breath.

❝ You - you shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have — ❞ She huffs between breaths, still swept up in her own emotions but attempting to calm down. Stupid! So fucking stupid! Alexandra had put a stop to all of this for a reason! She couldn't allow history to repeat itself, not with Cesare. She'd put a stop to this before — she'd done the right thing back then. Her arms wrap around his broad neck despite herself, clinging to the Spaniard as she buries her face in the curve of his shoulder.

❝ Can you just...stay here tonight? ❞ Alexandra knows that he has a hotel room waiting for him. She knows that she should just let him go to it and have him book the next flight back to his world tomorrow.

❝ I — I need you to be here. ❞

[regulatedchaos]

Why me

Around 8am still no answer and he's not home yet so I decided to open his FB and contact every single one whom he chatted last night and asked where could he be and Boone knew. 1030am may sumagot sa phone ni Cassie taga Greenwich. May nakapulot daw phone nya.

I asked mcjhay for help kung wpede nya ko Pag drive to find Cassie but didn't reply. I had to go and look for him something doesn't feel right. So I asked jing if Mak can come with me sa morayta para retrieve phone ni Cassie and ikutin mga comp shop to look for Cass. Without any hesitation pinapunta nya ko sa QC. I lied to my parents that I'll go to my OB and get some lab tests and mom asked "magkita Kayo ni cassie?" Sabi ko oo and mag lunch kmai. I can feel her worry cos he's going out every night. I said yes without knowing how will I find him and if I even will. Got to jings house around 11am and male late na lang daw si jing sa skul kasi sasamahan nya ko 😭😭

Kaween and mewy always check-in in on me. Idk what to do if I don't have them.

Got to 4 or 5 comp shops showing Cassie's photo hoping he's been there or someone saw him. Then 2 police stations. Hate the 2nd precincts chief so fuckinv condescending. There's a particular police civilian who helped me and said we should start from Greenwich crew who gave me the phone then went to barangay to review CCTVs and this is 330 pm. Saw him running sa kanto and his phone dropping. But idk where he is going. Tapos may biglang tumawag sskain malik Mata pa ko Cassie it's Cass, handcuffed and barangay captain spoke to me that he's there and safe sa Fairview. We got there after more than an hour and along the way I bought him shirt and slippers. Sobrang swerte na ilonggo yung captain non that kept Cass and there's no kulong and I didn't pay anything can't help but shed a tear everyone there was so helpful. Rn I still have no idea how he's gone from morayta to Fairview with no phone and money.

I don't even have the energy to be mad. I'm just relieved his safe at the same time I can't help but question myself why do things happen to me WHILE I'm 7 months pregnant.

I told him that I will book him to iloilo and spoke to tito(asked a favor if he can stay there until his mind clears and gave me another unsolicited advice na baka nasasakal si Cassie or pinepressure ko like wtf you're not helping tapos sisihin mo pa ko? Since Cassie spoke highly of him I asked kung may kilala sya sa morayta na wpede makatulong he said none; he's just as useless as I thought) he said he doesn't wanna go to Iloilo and just wanna be with me but I don't feel safe with his unpredictable behavior esp now I'm pregnant. Still in the car rn going home and I'm so drained and tired.

****Got ambsuhed be everyone in morayta being a Marcos fan

- how did they know?

Now they all hate me..

- who does?

Tapos napunta ako sa Fairview nanakawan CP I'd etc (I found his phone at Greenwich remember? Idk why he's not telli g the truth, he could be hallucinating from hunger, thirst, idk)

-ano sinakyan mo? And Saan ka uminom

"you think your dad was in on it" "is he God?"

His eyes. He looked like he was drugged. Fuck

He was shush-ing me cos he said people from the laptops are hearing us. It's paranoia. Prolly to much weed plus the midlife crisis. He always thinks peole are trying to kill them and I can't send him to iloilo cos they are gonna kill him.

So what am I gonna do?

We talked and I asked to just worry about me and papicito and that no one cares about him and he needs to stop thinking that everything is about him people worry too much about their own lives they don't care about yours. Just worry about me and papicito. Told him to stop fucking networking and go back to reading and affirmations upon waking up and look for a job.

22:03 He's so dirty I asked him to shower he said Kar was peeking fron the other house, sumilip ako and wala naman :(

He's not done hallucinating :(

He's asleep and I don't think Ill ever know what happened.

2Oct2023

[bustlingcrowdsxorxsilentsleepers]

Always remember

We're burned for better

I vowed I would always be yours

“You’ll come back to me?” he asked after a long while.

You didn’t want to give him false hope, you loved him too much for that. “I don’t know.”

That was the moment I started to cry but my sad tears soon turned into happy tears because I've always been a fan of their long distance phone conversations and although at first I was a little bit angsty it didn't take me long to be seduced by the banter and the way that these idiots in love rile up the other.

Billy was the first to break the silence. “I went on a date.”

It was the last thing you wanted to hear. His words were so rage inducing you wanted to scream, to stomp on your phone over and over again. You reminded yourself there was nothing wrong with what he was doing, he had every right to see other people. You hadn’t even promised to come back to New York. For all intents and purposes the two of you were done, but-

-but there was that potent jealousy rushing through your fucking nerves, ready to destroy Billy and his other bitch. “Fuck you!”

He sounded smug when he spoke next, even happy. “She reminded me of you, so I asked her out.” Billy was needling you on purpose. “Wanna know how it went?”

“You fucked her,” you seethed, gritting your teeth.

“No. I didn’t.”

“Why not?”

The vulnerability in his voice took you by surprise considering he was acting so smug mere seconds ago. “Because I didn’t want her. I wanted to want her, but I fucking didn’t.”

“Because I’ve never been your type.”

“Because she wasn’t you.”

I've always said that when The Queen turns this story into a book I will be one of the first to buy it because i need to highlight everything but that has never been more true than today because right now I would really like to be able to include in this post everything I loved about the phone conversation, from the parallels and the memories to the promises and affirmations of their love but I choose not to because I can't put into words what that first glimpse of a reconciliation meant to me but the following fragment owns my heart!

“You saw me for who I really was.”

“And I saw you. I knew I was fucked from that night of the gala.”

“Bullshit,” you retorted.

“What? You don’t believe me?”

“You didn’t like me until way after.”

“Wrong,” he countered dryly. “That night was definitely the first time I caught feelings. And then every day after that I got sucked in more and more. Every time I thought I had you all figured out you surprised me. And I fell harder every time.”

That Gala should be blessed and declared a commemorative date because it was the perfect introduction to their love story! I used to think that I wanted to know more about that first year before the gala and the same with the time in between the accident and the divorce but now I realize that I was wrong because as a reader I was able 'to be' part of the process of how he fell harder and harder for her and how she was able to open up to him not once but twice and that to me is priceless.

Interlacing his fingers through yours, he pressed his forehead to yours. “You’re mine. I’m yours. Nothing ever comes between us.”

I feel like I wrote too much already, but I want to say that I loved everything related to their rings and Beast! I think Haq managed to bring the story to a full circle with both of them saying their vows in the warmth of their new home but without losing their essence. I'm going to miss them so much but I know that they've been through a lot together and I think it's time for them to have some peace, they both deserve it.

Cradling his face, you kissed him gently. Even after everything, you found your way back to each other.

A Woman Scorned & A Woman Reborn are without a doubt my comfort fics, not only because AWS (to be more accurate the one-shot 'Mine') was one of the first Billy Russo fan fics I read, but because I became very fond of the story and I always turn to it when I'm sad or depression and anxiety get the best of me. Thank you @queen-haq for writing this story and sharing it with us and for leaving the door open for possible one shots! I haven't read the full story from back to back yet but I surely will do it soon and I'll fill your notifications box again with my badly written posts and my references to Taylor Swift songs that somehow always fit perfectly with your stories! So.. I apologize in advance!

Fic: A Woman Reborn - Part 25 (final chapter)

Pairing: Billy Russo X Reader (from A Woman Scorned)

Rating: R / 18+ only

A/N: This is a sequel to A Woman Scorned and takes place a few years after the events of AWS.

MasterList (includes links to AWS and previous chapters here)

Summary: You and Billy are happily married when tragedy strikes, jeopardizing your relationship and everything you two have built together. Can the two of you find your way back to each other or is the special bond you once shared broken forever?

Seguir leyendo

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #164

What books, if any, have made you cry? Johnny Got His Gun, Old Yeller, The Outsiders, The Notebook, A Walk to Remember, The Giver, The Hunger Games (you know the part), Of Mice and Men, and I KNOW there's even more, a lot that I surprisingly can't remember the names of; I cry very easily, and if you give me an emotional book, odds are super high at least a single tear is coming out.

How many times do you use a bath towel before washing it? Once.

What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid? Play video games.

Who was the last person to ask you out? Girt.

Could you call your best friend right now and tell them your biggest secret, and trust them to keep it? Oh I know I could.

Do you like watching music videos? Only Rammstein's haha, I really don't care about others'. Theirs are the only music videos I've ever cared about watching.

What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed? We're in a serious, monogamous relationship together.

Do you have scars on your wrists? You can't see them anymore, no.

What is your least favorite color? A yellowish olive green.

What’re some movies you love that people wouldn’t expect you to like? Romance ones specifically, like Nicholas Sparks' book film adaptations, and Titanic. I genuinely love movies like those, when I'm in the right mood to get emotional lol.

Are you “in the closet” about anything? No.

Are you missing any teeth? Besides wisdom teeth, no.

What kind of sound or noise freaks you out the most and why do you think it scares you? Sirens really, really frighten me, especially the like, air raid or tornado sort of shit, but I find all of them anxiety-inducing just because of the associations with a siren going off. Also tires screeching on the road TERRIFIES me, because it usually comes before a car wreck.

Do you think makeup on guys is freaky or sexy? SEXY AS FUCK

Are you most comfortable with having short hair or long hair? Short, definitely.

Who was the last person you saw that you haven’t seen in a while? Miss Angela, my original best friend's mother, who works at the dentist I go to.

Are you a visual, audio, or kinesthetic learner? Very kinesthetic. Also visual, like especially for things like math, if you're just audibly explaining it to me, it's not gonna do shit, I need a combination of the other two.

What are your feelings towards glitter? It's obviously messy as hell, but I like it aesthetically.

Are the blankets that are on your bed now made by someone you know in real life? No, but that's such a cozy idea. My mom's been knitting a giant blanket since she was like LITERALLY 18-ish and I do hope she eventually finishes it before she passes away because I either want to keep it or have Ashley keep it for her kids to have, but seeing how she's been with Mom lately who knows if she'd even want it...

Would you ever have a child just to get someone to fall in love with you? lol that is NOT how that works, my guy, literally ever

Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Girt.

What do you think is creepy that society accepts as normal? Beauty pageants, specifically for young kids/basically babies.

What do you think is a good date other than dinner and a movie? My dream date is a picnic by a lake or something similar.

Are you biracial? No.

Which was the worst phase in your life? Late 2015 to the very beginning of 2017.

Does your ex’s new romantic interest know about the things you two did together? I don't even know who anyone is dating, if they are to begin with.

Do you ever tell your current significant other about the things that you did with an ex-partner? Literally only if it's relevant, like he asks a question or it's just a brief mention because it fits the conversation, but it's never in a wistful sort of way or anything.

Do you like holding hands or do you think it's stupid? I do, I don't think it's "stupid" at all.

What do you like about your birthday? I love getting to see family like my sisters and dad, and Girt of course comes over too. I also cut myself the most slack food-wise that day, I really do just have what I want that day; I'm just nicer to myself and let myself enjoy the day however I want to.

Do you like being home alone at night? No, that makes me uncomfortable; I can do it and have before, but I don't like it.

Has an ambulance ever come to your house? Not THIS current house, but the last one; that's how my mom got transported to the hospital and her cancer was discovered. She was as close to immobile as I have ever seen her, she was immensely not okay.

Whose pool did you last swim in? It was in our local hospital complex, the area where you do aquatic physical therapy.

What's the cutest thing someone's ever done for you? Oh idk, there's so much, both romantically and just as an aunt. I don't wanna pick a favorite.

How many people know about the last person you kissed? I don't know, it's not a secret and it's not new news either, we've been together a few months shy of two years.

How many different cars have you driven? Uhhhh... good question? Besides the car used in driver's ed classes, maybe like, two? It's possible it's actually only one, I can't even remember how long we've had the car we do now.

What door did you last open besides any on your house or car? Probably one in Girt's house?

Who is the person you have hurt the most? Ultimately, probably my mom. I suppose maybe Sara.

Who is the person that has hurt you the most? Jason, when it boils down to it. Sara has said things that hurt me more, way more than anything Jason ever said, HOWEVER I dealt with the severity of the loss of him astronomically worse and for a much longer period.

When you go to Mcdonald's, what drink do you usually get? Coke.

What’s the worst type of weather in your opinion? Hot and humid. It makes me want to fucking die.

Who last called you sexy? Girt, I'm sure. Not exactly something I hear from a non-significant other, lol.

Is it possible to "fall out of love?" I am completely and entirely confident that I myself have experienced this, so I know it is.

Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same gender? Yes, more than once.

Is your significant other of the same ethnicity as you? Uh, I thiiiiink he'd be considered biracial? His mother is your ordinary Caucasian, but his dad was Native American, however I don't really know if that's an independent ethnicity? Race? I get these words confused, ngl.

How cold does it have to be before you put on a sweater? If wind isn't a factor, it's gotta get to like, the low 50*Fs before I want one.

Kisses on the cheek or the neck? how much time we got LMAOOOOO

One word to describe your most recent ex? Overdramatic.

What’s the best food to have at a sleepover? OBVIOUSLY pizza.

Where was the very first kiss you had with the last person you kissed? My old house's living room.

As a kid, did you ever get in trouble for drawing on the wall? No, I definitely don't remember ever doing so.

Ever had to have someone help you walk before? Yes, after I fainted or when I’ve been very dizzy for whatever reason, but I think I most heavily did so when I tore a ligament in my ankle or something and could put a total of ZEEEEERO pressure on that foot, it took so long to heal and it was FUCKING miserable. I'd be fighting off crying even when I would lean on Mom, that pain was unreal.

Name 5 things you don’t believe in. Fate/destiny, things like tarot cards or fortune tellers/psychics of any sort, horoscopes, anti-vax inane bullshit, and soulmates.

In what circumstances do you feel most at peace? Mornings where Girt stayed the night before and he's still sleeping when I wake up and I still lay down with him and just listen to birds and stuff.

Have you ever worn a thumb ring? Yes, that's the finger I wore my friendship ring with Sara on, but I've since thrown it away.

Would you give someone a second chance if they physically hurt you? HELL fucking no

What are five things you inherited from your mom? Low metabolism, height, high cholesterol, skin tone and some freckling (primarily on my arms), and thick hair.

What are five things you inherited from your dad? I HATE how like him I have very little common sense/miss things that a lot of people generally see as very obvious, when my legs were fine I paced like he did (I won't at all be surprised if it's a habit I pick back up as my legs get stronger), I have an addictive personality, uh... I'm blanking after that.

Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? Yeah, Sara's hair was much longer than mine.

Do you ever wonder what your ex or most recent “thing” is up to? I mean sure, I wonder, but I don't let myself check her socials ever. It's better that way.

What pets does your best friend have? He has one dog, a pit/shepherd mix named Charlie. I think technically he's his mom's, that's "Mom" to him, but Girt loves him to death and Charlie clearly loves him too.

Do you think somebody’s in love with you? Pretty sure yeah.

What type of tree is the most common where you live? Pine trees, by a fucking longshot. There are SO many pine trees.

Do you have anything planned for June so far? Yeah, my niece's birthday as well as her mom/my older sister's only a few days later. I don't know what we're doing for Ashley's, but I know Aubree's bday party is this month.

[TW: SELF-HARM] Do you know anyone who self-harms? I don't know about anymore, but I know plenty plenty plenty of people who have previously.

Who were you last in a car with and where did you go? My mom, we just rode to pick up our groceries from Wal-Mart.

Name the last three people you kissed and list one nice thing about each one. Girt is very loyal, Sara was a great creative, and Tyler, uh... he was generally sweet?

When was the last time you felt EXTREMELY depressed? Why is that? Extremely depressed, let's see... I'm not really sure, like sure I still deal with depression, but it's nothing like I shit I dealt with up until the start of 2017. "Extremely," for me and my experiences, means REALLY fucking severe, and I'm grateful I can't answer this confidently.

Who was the last person to kiss your forehead? Girt, I know he did this recently before he left and I was falling asleep.

[vizthedatum]

Pray for my mom even though she is at the root of many of my problems

CW: abuse, medical stuff, justified infidelity in the name of love, a lot of intense language which will leave you wondering if I’m losing it or not (but hey! I’m not lol)

Tldr: My mom is having emergency surgery tomorrow in Minneapolis, and I’m currently waiting for my flight so I can speak to her in person before visiting hours end tonight, because no healthcare professional at the moment knows when she’s going into surgery tomorrow and I don’t want to risk not seeing her.

—

This morning, I woke up and was kinda happy because I’ve been feeling better and better every single day. It’s been an exhausting life. I am so tired, but my brain is coming back - I am coming back online more and more and more. I remember. I listened to a song on repeat non-stop for hours (I’m autistic, hi): “Saw You In A Dream” by The Japanese House 🎶And when I'm awake I can't switch off

It isn't the same but it is enough🎶 How telling.

I work at some art houses on the weekends as a docent. My ex-metamour got me the job, and I absolutely love it. The people there are great, and while it is tiring work (talking, moving around, going up stairs), it is rewarding for me. My shift today was supposed to be 11-5pm and tonight, we were gonna meet a new artist and we were going to figure out how we could volunteer our time to help him with his new installation!! So I was gonna stay there until around 9pm.

Since there was leeway in the schedule, I requested to come in at noon instead… and then later in the morning, my ex-meta was like “we’re covered until 3pm” or something and I was so excited because I really needed the time to prep for interviews, do self-care, write Valentine’s cards to my friends, maybe do my nails, maybe write a million things (I have books in my head).

I told River, and we were going to do a quick hug before work but since I had extra time, they came over to cowork and spend time. Their offerings were a worn dress (their smell comforts me) and 2 pieces of really pretty cardboard paper - it was perfect.

We got distracted and while we were doing things - it’s so hard to not keep talking to River :)

While we were being autistically gay and cute together, talking about all sorts of things (heavy, light, and anything)… my brother messaged me and I noticed my mom had called me.

I have boundaries with my parents. I cut off our relationship last April. The only times I talk to them is if it concerns my brother. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive. They fucked me up.

My mom is likely having emergency heart surgery tomorrow. I spoke to the nurse. Visiting hours end at 8pm CST. I screamed with my father, with my brother moderating. We got a flight booked for me to get there at 5:48pm. Flight departs at 2pm.

I got to the airport at 1:30pm - they wouldn’t let me on the flight and booked me for a flight that departs at 3:04pm and I land in MSP at 7/7:15pm CST. 

Fuck.

On my way to the airport, I called my mom’s soulmate. It’s not my father. I rarely call him but he picked up the call right away. He lives in India. I told him and told him that he was to set an alarm for when I land so that he can talk to my mother when I get to the hospital. It’s so ironic because right before I found out about my mom today, I told River about him.

My mom and her soulmate have not talked in years. I think the last time was when I sneaked in a three-way videocall when he and I met up in India in 2016. Every year on her birthday, he texts me: “Happy birthday Madhumita” Why can’t they talk? Because my father is a controlling asshole who monitors every phone call, every internet interaction, every movement. He doesn’t treat her as a person. 

Look, I do not care if they are married and you think it’s wrong. She and him did not intend for this to happen so many years ago… and quite honestly, my parents have such a dysfunctional relationship. So fuck all of you. Including family. I do not care. If you can’t handle the truth of the human condition and experience, then fucking leave. If you cannot accept that I’m trans/queer/poly, leave. If you can’t handle that I can have a full range of emotions and still be a functional person and that I choose to be kind/soft (when I want to be)… and then still call me naive? Leave.

And also, if you don’t get how badly she abused me (example: when I was 6, she tied me up super tight with a lot of rope, left me in the bathroom, and told me that she and my father were going to leave me there to die - I was alone for hours) and why I’m going to see her to speak to her before she has emergency heart surgery, then you can fucking leave too.

—

So anyway, here I am, at the airport… with my boots not zipped up, contemplating whether to take my klonopin (but I don’t want to lose my intensity and alertness), not giving a fuck, on my way to see my mom… who I will always love even if she abused me. I can have boundaries with her and not speak to her for my own self-preservation… but I can go see her before she has surgery all the same.

Happy Valentine’s Day - pray for my mom’s heart. Thank you.