#i can’t make myself take them seriously even though they’re both backed by ppl i trust

[fakeoutbf]

.

[tequiladimples]

I hope this doesn't come off as rude, but I saw that you dislike when collision is branded het cause you're not het, but no one's talking about you personally? like for me, I really like collision but I can understand the criticism in a way and that isn't an attack on you (or an attack at all lol). again hope I'm not rude but idk it seems unnecessary to get upset, it's better to take it as constructive criticism

sigh i don't think ur rude but it simply isn't constructive.

look i’ll talk abt this one more time n then i Beg we can put it to rest! (this is gna be a lot of word vomit but if i'm elaborative now i hope i won't have to talk abt this ever again)

i’m deeply insecure abt many aspects of collision. i don’t really keep that a secret. i also know some ppl don't like fantasy, some ppl don't like the kinds of dynamics i like, some ppl don't vibe with my style of writing (hell, i barely vibe with my style of writing). those things are fine. i can't control that and i don't take that personally. the reason why this is the one critique i do take personally is because it genuinely presumes wrongful, harmful things about me and my values, especially when i've made deliberate efforts to avoid writing the exact flavor of fic they're accusing me of having written. just because people don’t mean for what they say to reflect back on me, doesn’t stop it from doing so.

the thing about calling something a “het fic” is that the term brings along certain connotations which i don’t stand by at all and feel deeply uncomfortable and distraught to possibly have created. i’ve gone over this godforsaken story again and again just to be absolutely sure i didn’t actually do so. when people say “het fic” they generally don’t mean “boy meets girl and they fall in love”, they mean “super rude and mean boy meets uptight virtuous girl and makes her fall in dependence with him through manipulation and treating her like shit until she behaves how he wants.” and that is straight up not the fic i wrote. i’m not stupid. i know the dynamic i went with is widely and easily misused and there’s a lot of fiction depicting really bad, uneven, unhealthy relationships through it. i knew this going in, and i’ve tried persistently to avoid making those same mistakes. 

skipping over the fact that they’re both boys (bc duh)--harry doesn't exhibit any real manipulative power over louis. collision harry is a grumpy, fruity little nerd who happened upon a really unfortunate lot in life and managed to trick himself into believing he's evil for like half a second of the story and his resolves crumble like a danish pastry the moment he receives his first hug. he's kind of aloof and arrogant, and understandably hardened from his past, but he's not bad. he's just lost. that's the basis of his character arc. now on the other hand, louis has harry wrapped around his finger starting like chapter 4. harry’s the one who opens up emotionally first, harry’s the one desperately seeking louis’ approval and caring about his opinion, harry’s the one who makes himself vulnerable continuously throughout the entire story. the only time louis makes himself vulnerable on a comparable scale is during the smut scenes, and even then, harry is gentle and attentive and puts louis first. louis is less experienced than harry in that area, but he isn't scared or intimidated by harry, and he has full reigns of the progression and nature of their relationship as a whole. that’s kind of how it needs to go with tough x soft dynamics for the power balance to not feel uneven, and i wrote the story accordingly. if you then happen to still be so blindly determined to associate soft/small with weakness (and thereby uh, womanhood ig) that you still felt like louis had an inferior position to harry solely because he is indeed soft/small, that sounds quite frankly like a you problem.

now, the whole point of louis’ character is that he’s underestimated. sure, he’s naive and self-centered and sheltered from the real world--that’s the basis of his character arc. those things all change. but louis isn’t ever weak. like idk who apparently needs to hear this but you can be small and simultaneously not be a pushover. the two aren’t mutually exclusive. there isn’t a single time louis takes shit in this story, especially not from harry; he gives back as good as he gets every time. oh! and then he literally saves the entire universe and the execution of that whole thing was his idea alone. i tried really hard to underline how strong-willed and full of grit he is to contrast what others think of him. if you think he’s portrayed as a meek and frail damsel, you missed the point. once again, i feel like we circle back to this misconception of louis being kind of naive and physically small = louis being inferior = louis being female. just do some soul searching.

(i could also get into the fact that for a bunch of people who don’t know these boys personally (no matter how much we like to think we do), this fandom is weirdly opinionated about characterization. especially regarding sexual stuff. i know creating a version for ourselves of who we think these boys are based on things we recognize in ourselves or things we find endearing is part of the comfort with loving them. but that doesn’t really equate to actually knowing them, and besides, this is fan fiction; no one’s opting to write a biography, anyway. being experimental and explorative and putting different aspects of their personalities in different lightings is what makes fic fun. if someone’s writing harmful or one-dimensional characters, that’s one thing, and preferences is again whatever floats your boat. but the “out of character” argument feels mostly really strange to me. this is a bit of a tangent, though.)

lastly, the thing is that i will and i do take it personally if someone insinuates that a character--a gay character--that i, a lesbian, construed is a secret vessel for expressing heterosexual attraction. if someone calls louis a “self-insert”, that does reflect back on me. and to elaborate on that--i don’t particularly love to bring it up, but it's quite disheartening to pour personal PTSD experiences into a character and rly put effort into doing it right and justice and underline growth and healing, just to find out people disregard all that completely in favor of declaring that my self-projection lies in the attraction to a man--which is to say, the one thing i couldn’t possibly feel more estranged from. it's so incredibly tactless. i feel thoroughly whiny at this point but how is that not supposed to make me a little sad?

anyway. none of this is to say that you can’t dislike or critique collision. you can. sometimes ppl don’t like things. but i hope i’m clear about where i’m coming from with my discomfort now. people’s preferences and dislikes are indeed not mine to be hurt by, but these things are. this definitely got unnecessarily long and i probably look like i take myself unbearably seriously (i promise i don’t), so i’m sorry. but at least i've said everything now, and if i encounter this sort of rhetoric in the future, i have something to redirect people to. also anon, none of this is directly pointed at you, i know you mean well. take care <3

[crossdressingdeath]

I know you'll probably disagree with me, but i rlly hate the Cloud recessess ending. It's just....

Those elders killed wwx. The Lans were 100% ready to murder both at Qiongqi path but also at the siege. They see him as the guy who corrupted their precious jade. They all preach righteousness, but the whole madam Lan thing is iffy at best and i do not believe that everyone there fully believes the rules. Hell, i have a special bone to pick with the " do not gossip" rule, seeing as gossip had been the main info route for women in patriarchal societies.

I just don't think that after wwx killed Lans in the siege they'd be all that willing to forgive him and take him in w open arms. The juniors and kids love him, yes, but people who saw the war....

Not to mention the whole " do not speak to WWX " rule. I've seen ppl say it's a joke but it's On The Wall. It's supposed to be followed. Even if it was intended as a joke - which i don't believe - it's very cruel for someone w rejection and trust issues.

I also hate it from a very personal perspective. I see Wwx as ND, and, as an ND myself, all those rules terrify me. From the no running and the proper posture ones, i can pretty well imagine they forbid stimming. The Lan curfew would fuck anyone with insomnia and there's smth deeply ucked up abt the " do not grieve in excess". I get that they're supossed to be a paragon of the best things at all time, and that LJY is very UnLan like, but for someone w anxiety who CAN'T follow those rules, it would be a nightmare.

...Some points:

First, the Lan elders did not kill WWX, nor did they attack him unfairly. They weren’t looking at him as the man who corrupted LWJ, either, or at least that wasn’t their primary concern (I will never forgive CQL for suggesting they were or it was); they were looking at him as a traitor to the sects who was raising an army to destroy them. Remember, that is the information the Lans had. Every source they had except for LWJ (who the people he would have gone to would have known was biased and who presumably everyone knew had recently been in close contact with WWX where he could have been manipulated or enchanted in some way), sources which included multiple sect leaders (one of whom was WWX’s brother) and LXC’s dear friend, swore up and down that WWX was a major threat, and let’s face it, WWX didn’t do much to dissuade people from thinking that! Acting like the Lans were maliciously targeting WWX is doing them something of a disservice, I’d say. They acted based on the knowledge they had available; note how the Lans are the first to offer WWX their help once they’re given reason to believe he may not be a villain! And even aside from that, saying they killed WWX (and not JGS and JGY’s manipulation or JC’s army) feels a bit like scapegoating, honestly. Of the four sects, the Lans are quite possibly the least responsible for WWX’s death. If it would hurt him to live with or around anyone who held any responsibility for his death his only option would be to live as a hermit, which would be far worse for him. And yeah, the Lans aren’t perfectly righteous all the time and some morally dubious things have been done by Lan sect members; they’re human, after all! Some of them will only be as moral as their sect leader demands they be! That doesn’t mean the sect as a whole is bad, especially with LXC, LQR and LWJ in charge. Certainly I’d say they’re still better than the other sects, all things considered. One ambiguous situation that may or may not have involved some members of the previous generation doing some fucked up shit doesn’t mean WWX would for sure be mistreated! 

As for gossip... there’s a difference between sharing information and gossiping. There’s no evidence that the Lan women are blocked from... y’know, freely communicating and sharing information between themselves. We have no reason to believe they are reliant on gossip. Also they presumably go out night hunting just like the men? Men and women are kept separate in the Cloud Recesses, but I get the sense that that’s more like... school stuff than anything else. The women aren’t exactly locked up, they can be cultivators! The society is still sexist, but that doesn’t mean they’re kept from going out and doing things. And I need to make this clear: there is a fair chance that the rule against gossip saved LWJ’s life, because it kept word of him defending WWX from the sects from spreading to people who would not be willing to let bygones be bygones. Gossip sucks! It hurts people! A lot of this story (and more to the point the suffering of the characters within the story) happens because of gossip! The Lans banning gossip is pretty clearly supposed to be a good thing, I’d say.

And yeah, maybe after WWX killed a bunch of their sect the Lans wouldn’t accept him with open arms as if nothing ever happened! And that’s fair! I can’t imagine where WWX could go where that wouldn’t be the case, unless he and LWJ chose to abandon the cultivation world forever. But you know what else the Lans won’t do? Try to execute him. Or from what we see in the extras even dwell on the past that much. No, the Lans aren’t going to immediately forgive WWX and bring him into the fold without a moment’s hesitation, but you know what? They accept his marriage to LWJ! They let him supervise the juniors on night hunts! They consider him part of their sect! Honestly, that is all WWX can really ask and far more than he’d get from any other sect. There are consequences for what WWX did, even though he wasn’t the villain or necessarily trying to hurt anyone, and frankly people not being entirely comfortable with his presence is very much reasonable.

The “do not speak to WWX” rule may not be a joke, but it’s also pretty clearly not a serious rule. No one takes it seriously. The juniors (the only people WWX really talks to anyway aside from LXC and LWJ) only pay it the minimum lip service of talking to him off the path. WWX himself sure as hell doesn’t care! He clearly finds it pretty damn funny. And I don’t think a guy who has never liked him once again proving he does not like him (in a way that is clearly temporary given how later LQR invites WWX to the Lan family banquet with... reasonable amounts of grace, thereby implicitly accepting him as LWJ’s husband and therefore his own family by marriage) counts as a rejection or a breach of WWX’s trust? Like, LQR has literally always hated WWX. He isn’t preventing WWX and LWJ from spending time together or shutting WWX out of the Cloud Recesses or even making a concentrated effort to keep people from talking to him; he’s venting his frustrations, but if he really intended to block WWX from taking part in life in the Cloud Recesses he would’ve done a hell of a lot more than just make a rule who no one WWX likes follows anyway. It’s a temper tantrum, that’s all, and clearly that’s what WWX takes it as. I mean, if nothing else you can’t ban people from talking to the sect heir’s spouse indefinitely. That’s just not sustainable.

As for the rules... banning people from running in the Cloud Recesses and demanding proper posture during lessons doesn’t suggest to me that they wouldn’t allow stimming? ‘No running’ at least is a common rule... most places. It’s distracting, and can be dangerous. And the rule about sitting properly doesn’t mean “Don’t move at all ever”; it means... well, “sit properly”. Don’t slouch or sprawl across the floor. I see no reason why that wouldn’t preclude means of stimming that wouldn’t be disruptive (and given this is in a classroom environment “not disruptive” is kind of important). I mean, those rules certainly don’t suggest that they’re any worse than other sects, and given this is the sect that has magic music for calming people’s minds if any sect would give allowances for neurodivergence it would be this one. Also I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a song to put people to sleep, or medication that can help; this is a world with magic, after all, and if there’s a song that can put spirits to rest there are probably songs for human medicine and care. And of course there’s an element of conflicting needs; maybe the rules would screw you over, but frankly firmly enforced rules keeping people from running around or sprawling out of their seats would’ve been a godsend for me in school, given how much trouble I had focusing with people making noise around me. At the end of the day, is it guaranteed that the Lans would make allowances for people with needs that conflict with the Lan rules? No. But I’d argue it’s more likely that they would than any other sect. This is ahistorical fantasy ancient China, too; you can only expect so much in the mental health department. Still, a sect that literally invented magic music for calming the mind actually seems like the best choice for people with anxiety and such. There’s a reason why there are multiple fics that essentially set the Lans up as mental health experts in the setting!

Basically, a lot of your arguments seem to be issues that WWX would have in any sect. Unless he wanted to give up on the support of a sect altogether, they’re all things that he would have to work through or come to terms with. And of course... the most important point is that WWX is happy in the Lan sect. The extras make that clear. He has a home, duties that he enjoys performing, the love of his family and the support of his sect. He’s happy. I just... I do not understand why people keep feeling the need to try to make it angsty when the novel makes it clear that he genuinely enjoys his life in Gusu, and more than that that if he ever decided he didn’t enjoy it he could leave at any time. You have to remember that: if WWX wanted to leave... he would. He and LWJ would just go, and only come back occasionally so that LWJ could visit his home. Hell, LWJ would insist on leaving for WWX’s sake. So like... the Lan sect wouldn’t suit everyone, but WWX is quite content there and doesn’t want to leave. He’s happy and free to come and go as he wishes; there really isn’t anything to be concerned about there.

[painted-crow]

Submission time #19

so i’ve been spending the last little bit unburning my lion primary. now i’m sort of lost on secondary? i suspect i have bird in there somewhere but i’m having a hard time separating my natural secondary and a model that i really like and find helpful. (or maybe it’s the now-surprisingly-loud lion primary drive for authenticity coming through?) so if it’s okay with you, i’ll take a crack at some of the quiz questions and see if there’s anything of note? spacing might be weird—i’m on mobile :/

Sure thing!

When you succeed, how influential in that success were the people around you?

my answer to this one depends on the day. yes, they’re extremely influential; no, i don’t always like it. not because i don’t appreciate or need the help but because it got into my head in a funny way growing up. i’ve always been tremendously lucky to have people who love and want to help me, but like... it gets to the point where it feels like i’m nothing on my own. how much of this is a favour? what do i owe you? are you just trying to spare my feelings or because i’m related to someone else? i’m desperate to be able to say (and believe) that i’ve done something for myself on my own terms.

Ooh, okay. So, you've maybe got some caretaker Badgers around you, but that's not you--you don't really value this in yourself, even if it's how the community around you works. If you have any Badger secondary, it's anxious.

Do people consider you charismatic?

charisma is SUCH a concept. it gives off such an animal magnetism, face of the revolution vibe, which is not me at all. i have to work hard to be nice bc most people deserve the benefit of the doubt (as i repress the instinct to be judgy and mean LMAO) and also bc it just works better socially? flies and honey and all that. i also have very specific ways of being nice: “mom friend” and “hypercompetent rookie in line of succession” and “spicy and nonjudgmental confidante” which, granted, are already all parts of my personality just emphasized for clarity. i think of it like... personality colour correction, or... code-switching i guess.

You've literally just described Actor Bird. Also, you're not very nice when you describe yourself, are you?

people tend to like me more than i like me, though, and it catches me a little by surprise every time. maybe it’s just because i live in my own head and it’s a lot quieter and more anxious up here. it does suck a little, suddenly being worried that like “ooh ppl only like what u show them but that’s not how u rlly are”

Lions (primary or secondary) and Actor Bird can really clash... it sounds like you're discovering that your primary doesn't like this tactic as it unburns. Also, I think Bird masks just take a lot of energy if used long term. That might be me though.

so i’ll Sprinkle In Some Light Trauma to gauge the reaction (and regret it immediately). the truth is that not many people make it past the social utility part of friendship and so i don’t rlly... feel safe? putting down the masks which are designed to smooth interactions in any case. (so i guess YES but actually no i’m charismatic but also that’s a very different public facing side)

Yeah, this is all Actor Bird so far. Also, hugs.

Do you like going into situations with a plan?

mmm. i don’t think i plan so much as i attempt to see into the future and force my best outcome. i HATE going in blind—if i can a way around something, i will, but if i can’t it has to at least be a good and sensible attempt. most of the plans i usually put together have coping-mechanism, doodling while on a phone call energy: too granular to ever implement, just something to put order to the things you’re thinking.

This is still lots of Bird energy. Plans don't always look the same, you know? And some of us barely use 'em at all.

like, i do have all my degree requirements and preferred classes listed out, because that’s important and i should have that sorted out correctly before declaring my major. but the hour by hour daily schedule is more of a thing to make me feel in control and like i’ve put the work into considering it.

i’m also a stereotypical nerd: i have an english/history brain, i write a lot, i fall down personality inventory rabbit holes for fun, i pick up random things that end up relevant years later, nothing was as distressing as not being able to read for fun bc university was just Too Much—you know the drill.

I do, but not everyone is like this. You're probably a Bird, and I wonder if you're taking your secondary for granted because you feel like it's expected of you.

but for someone who plans as a coping mechanism, it’s also sometimes the best way to put me off. like i don’t know, being friends, which is the only thing in my life where traditional overthinking would RUIN it absolutely.

i know someone who semi-despairingly refers to herself as machiavellian because she interacts with people like it’s 4D chess.

Huh, so your friends don't talk about themselves very nicely either.

collects info, reshapes her entire personality into something designed to appeal to whoever she’s talking to. i tried not to get into motive bc socializing really is like That sometimes, but i couldn’t imagine pulling that off. i talk big game about acting a certain way, but only in ways that are already part of me yk? if i couldn’t believe i was being legit in some way i’m like 97% sure it would show through somehow and make it real weird.

You're still on Actor Bird. Your friend might have a Snake model? but you're an Actor Bird.

How do you feel about shortcuts?

work smart not hard, she says, working hard anyway bc she needs to see all the little things fall into place just to make sure that they do.

seriously though, that is for “important enough” things: i need to see it done to standard. i can rest only with a job well done kind of thing—due diligence so that any tomfoolery that goes down isn’t my fault and therefore no one can get mad at me.

This might be a Badger model, and I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say you picked this up from your community because it's what they expect of you. You don't seem to take any joy in it, though; it seems like an anxious response.

also i have beef with the idea of being gullible, so i’m gonna see it with my OWN EYES. for less important things, it’s a heart says yes mind says no situation. i love the shortcut that saves time and effort but keeps the quality, which is plentiful when it’s like. pasta sauce, but not when it’s like. the Donner party heading to california. i would love to shorten that stuff, but the consequences of a poorly done shortcut are more painful than the slog.

Bird modeling Badger. Yep.

Do you feel the need to keep the peace?

(it didn’t come up on this run of the quiz but i’ve been mulling over for a while!)

Huh. This question doesn't always come up? I always get it. I have to assume it's the quiz checking for Badger.

i’ve got a fairly bad temper and a transparent face. so no—i’m not much for keeping the peace. i can do it properly if compelled, but it’s exhausting and irritating and only really makes me resentful of the emotional labour.

Whether you can keep the peace is kind of separate from whether you feel you should, but you also really dislike being in that role. You're modeling some Bookkeeper Badger, which doesn't actually make you happy, and you really don't seem to like using Courtier for anything.

does it bother me when people fight? yeah, like most people do when it’s a rift-causing argument in a group they care strongly about, but if i’m not more loyal to one side of the dispute i’m much more likely to take out all the parties and have done with it. i’ve been known to fight back or even start stuff if the cause is important enough, or i have spleen to vent, but i’m a very messy arguer so staying out of it and collecting receipts in the background is much more my style.

Wonder if you've got some Lion secondary hiding out in your Houses. You don't like going into things unprepared, but maybe there's a Lion model you could be nurturing that would make you happier than that Badger mess that's been pushed on you.

anyway. this was long. made me think harder about badger than i thought. lots of feelings, but def not as sad as the ones i typed up and deleted ages ago which i elect to count as progress. thanks for making it this far hahahah

Yay! Progress!

Yeah, I don't think you're a Badger. It really doesn't make you happy. You sound like a Bird to me: actor Bird, rapid fire Bird, but not Badger. Not Snake, either; if you're a rapid fire or actor Bird (or both) you might mis-Sort yourself into Snake, but I'm not getting that from you.

--Paint

[kidhawks]

Oh my gosh thank you. I don't like the idea of Hawks being brainwashed that everyone is on about, and I prefer him knowing that the hpsc is sketch, but choosing to go along with what they say not because he's loyal to them, or likes them and thinks they're good or whatever, but because hes loyal to the people. People always vilify Hawks having choices, which makes it harder to like that. (Although idk if he said he couldnt refuse bc he couldn't get himself to if it helps ppl or bc he lit can't.)

hawks isnt brainwashed!!! i’m making it into posters!!!!

he often takes a pretty helpless position in fanon, for lack of a better word. the commission is presented as a machiavellian big bad who’s stripped him of any critical thought—and yes, this is derived from what we know from canon, but imo is a massive oversimplification. the commission is corrupt but they’re not out to harm society, though they are a product of a broken one.

and hawks has agency! it took me a while to come to this realisation but it’s suddenly obvious in his little mannerisms—talking back, saving civilians when he’s told not to..... all this points to him being critical of the hpsc but sticking around for the reason you pointed out. he has so much influence in his position, espionage skills most mainstream heroes would never possess, that he’s essentially a walking (flying) skill set. and i think he takes that responsibility very seriously. the training he went through made him perfect for saving lives en masse, even more so if he sticks with the commission, and he’s not going to abandon that position just because he doesn’t want to compromise his morals. “i will dirty myself to put people at ease” is practically at his core—not the hero he ever wanted to be but the one he will become because, to him, public safety takes a massive priority over his own self.

and then obviously he’s hugely pressured by the commission and was raised as a child soldier, so even the decisions he makes are influenced by that. on whether he says he “can’t refuse” because he feels an obligation to the public or because he literally can’t refuse—a mixture of both i think! at his core is a child who wanted to save people, and he threw himself into a high speed car crash to do so (i think we skip over how terrifying that must have been btw). so we have that kind of ‘true hero’ in him, the selfless desire to help, but also the conditioning he went through to make him into someone with no regard for his own wants or needs—this, the commission had influence in. though we don’t know how much of that self-destructive selflessness is his natural personality vs. his training.

so, i think the reason the commission knows he “can’t refuse” the mission is because that’s what they manufactured him to be, capitalising on the selfless child already inside him. they made a hero who would be at their beck and call not because he fears a punishment, but because they spent his entire childhood (and his small amount of adulthood so far) training him into someone whose obligations to the public outweigh his own morals every time. so in a way he is brainwashed..... brainwashed to ignore the concept of self care

[ichirostitties]

Welcome back!! Do you write for the new divisions as well?~ if so can I get domestic headcannons with DotsuHon amd Samatoki~ Thank you~｡^‿^｡

yeah i do!!! im love the newer divisions! kuko’s actually my 2nd fave tied with doppo ehehe. and yes. sasara the literal clown 

Domestic HCs - Sasara, Rosho, Rei and Samatoki

Sasara:

-having chill time at home with sasara is so much fun!! even if his jokes are terrible the atmosphere is super light and you feel so comfortable

-i feel like..he likes to try stand-up routines on you to see your reactions sometimes. he’s pretty confident in himself though, and sometimes he likes keeping things to himself if he knows you’re going to one of his shows

-you help him come up with routines sometimes actually!! or..give him advice since he’s a bit of a Big Deal and definitely knows what he’s doing

-he likes watching movies with you. if you feel like relaxing, he’s really good at helping with that (what with the terrible puns and all lol)

-he’s either really good at cooking or absolutely terrible, no in-between..idk i just get that vibe from him lol. he knows how to make some pretty good stuff but sometimes he just..goes wrong somehow and it’s suddenly not lookin too hot. 

-while he’s not exactly manipulative per say, he’s quite good at saying things in a certain way to get you to do what he wants lol. like if he wants you to rest because you’ve been working hard all day and just don’t seem to know when to quit, but you’re being stubborn he’s good at convincing you to take a break or just go to bed for the night in a roundabout way, for example. he cares a lot about you!!

-one time you woke up to him just lying there with a clown nose on and you turned around and went back to sleep immediately

-probably owns a clown car you get to be driven around in

-in all seriousness being with sasara is so much fun, even if you don’t fully live with him yet, cause he’s just vibin?? all the time even when times are bad he always has jokes to tell to make you feel better

Rosho:

-oH HE IS SO SWEET just being around him makes you go like ooOOOHHH

-as a teacher he’s really realllyyy helpful if you get stuck doing..well anything really. he’s good at giving advice (although he doesn’t seem to think he’s anything special..bruhhhh)

-surprisingly funny!! he doesn’t seem it on the surface, but he used to be a comedy duo with sasara of all people and he can be really entertaining when he gets over his self-consciousness around you

-almost every night before bed you guys have a sort-of routine where you read a book for 30 mins-an hour and discuss it a little. as a teacher he has to be well-read i assume, and you decide to join in because reading is Fun and Cool (in fact..did you know you are reading this right now? how meta. ohh ok im interrupting this imagine to give you guys a random fact. did you know bees sting other bees? they have guard bees that hang around the hive and sting intruders. waot why did i feel the need to say that ok back to imagines).

-he makes really good hot chocolate! for both of you. a total uwu moment

-you guys totally adopt a cat (maybe a black cat?? black cats are good!) to take care of together and it’s so cute!! he doesn’t mind what you name it as long as it isn’t Sasara 2

Rei

-big titties in ur face

-seriously where do u think ichiro got his rack from??

-anyways. living with rei is...interesting. he’s totally loaded from not taking care of his sons being a conman, so the place you guys share is quite luxurious

-he really REALLY lays on the charm for you. when he doesn’t have ulterior motives he can be really sweet. He cares for you a lot

-he’s good at taking care of tasks around the house, like he’ll make sure everything is done by lunchtime so you guys can just relax for the rest of the day (and he can keep scammin ppl lol)

-oh he’s really good at cooking!! like so talented almost hifumi level what da hell you feel like every day is a good food day

-is up for almost anything, he kinda just goes along with whatever on his days off cause he’s quite busy and doesn’t mind doing anything to relax

-BUT. if he decides you’re even slightly tired or sick or anything watch out because he’ll make you rest immediatel y and there goes all your plans of just fighting through it to get stuff done. He’ll get you anything you need and stays by your side if you aren’t well, and if you’re tired and having trouble sleeping he’ll hold you until you can (he has big yamada titties it’ll be nice trust me i motoroboat ichiro’s titties on the daily)

-he really cares about you despite his seemingly manipulative and false exterior. he’s a bit of a bastard at times but you love him anyway and his times being sweet n kind more than make up for his fucky times. just being able to have a taste of a normal life is lovely for him so he really appreciates you!!

Samatoki:

-ok domestic life with samatoki is kind of weird!!! because he’s a yakuza member and knows all these dodgy people you have all sorts coming over quite frequently, including juto and rio which is at least nice for a change from the usual

-he loves you so much and he’s so afraid of losing you (ow my heart!) so he’ll do anything to make you happy, whether that be doing all the chores on a day where you’re feeling lazy or refusing to leave your side if you show even the slightest hint of feeling bad or off in any way - since his mother killed herself after killing his father, he’s really really cautious when it comes to making sure the people he loves are okay and knowing they’re loved

-at the same time he’s so bad at chores lol he gets so angry so easily. you have to help him sometimes because he accidentally pulled the washing out of the dryer too hard when it got caught on something and ripped it and now he’s boiling with rage and you hear him grumbling to himself and come in and have to calm him down aND stuff like this happens at least twice a week lol

-you’re a little weary of the yakuza who keep randomly showing up but he insists that the ones who know where he lives are the ones you can trust, so you take his word for it and once you warm up to them it honestly isn’t that bad. it makes the house more lively, especially when it’s been a particularly bad day

-sometimes you can’t seem to cheer samatoki up when his thoughts get the better of him, so at times like that it’s just best to give him space. you guys know each other well and know when to respect each others boundaries (though you have to remind him of this sometimes)

-when you wake up to him he’s always holding you, even if you guys have had a fight; he never wants to lose you ok i went and made myself emo thanks me

[bigskydreaming]

I know what you like from Dick (your post are really extensive and detailed, which is great because I love seeing people talk about what they’re passionate about) but is there any type of arc, friend expansion or themes you’d like to see with other robins like Damian or Jason?

Jason, definitely. I actually talk a lot about possibilities for him unrelated to things involving Dick - I’ve got lots of thoughts and feelings about what if he’d had a bigger support system when he was a teen, and how that could have led away from his inevitable death. Like how there was always that age group of YJ and Titans members who were just a couple of years older than Tim so never quite meshed with his YJ crew, but not as old as Dick and his friends....the Ray, Damage, Anima, etc. Like there’s more than enough there for Jason’s own Titans lineup of in-betweeners. I also have a lot of thoughts about Jason and Damage being potential BFFs, and also the idea of Jason dating Tom Bronson aka Tomcat, the werepanther son of Wildcat, Ted Grant. 

And post death and return, I think Jason, Obsidian and Damage could make a great trio of misunderstood (and horrifically misused by DC) friends who’ve been through hell and back and toe the line between hero and anti-hero, but often not even so much because of their own choices but because of how they’re inevitably perceived due to things outside their own actions (like Obsidian often assumed the worst of because people are afraid of his shadow powers, and Damage has a long history of being demonized for the destructive nature of his powers by people in universe, etc).

So like, I definitely have those posts, I just suck at tagging....like search my blog on mobile for those characters’ names and posts with them should come up fairly easily.

My thoughts on expansion for Damian at the moment are currently consumed by GIVE HIM BACK HIS FRIENDS DC, WTF, FIRST COLIN, THEN MAYA, NOW JON, WHY WON’T YOU LET HIM KEEP ANY OF HIS FRIENDS EVER.

And with Tim they’re mostly like.....give Young Justice to anyone but Bendis, who I can’t stand, lol, but otherwise I’d be interested. Like, I know ppl don’t believe me lol but I genuinely don’t inherently dislike Tim, as long as he’s not being written as what I perceive to be at Dick’s expense, like, people getting pissed at Dick on Tim’s behalf for something that I will always maintain was not as cut and dried as people make it. But like, separate of stuff like that....I loved the YJ book from the nineties and was a big fan and so I’m actually really glad to have all of those characters back and reunited, its basically what I would have wanted and done with them myself all along, its just....Bendis. Why. Stop.

Also, Tim’s new superhero name will never not be the dumbest thing ever, there are SO MANY CHOICES you could go with instead and you have him like...Fail at Secret Identities AND Striking Fear Into The Heart Of His Enemies all at the same time. Good plan.

Like, when you need your hero to stop and explain to the bad guys that no, actually, his namesake is actually a pretty bad-ass bird in real life, honest, like...that’s not good. I don’t know who said that was good but like. They lied.

Cass and Duke, I just need more of together. Them in Batman & The Outsiders is again, actually a canon thing I really enjoy, even though the insistence on Cass’ broken English can go die in a fire any day now, seriously. But I love the two of them together and think they’re such an underrated dynamic and they play off each other well, and I would love to see them explore the hidden aspects of both their backgrounds together....like there’s still so much Cass doesn’t know about Lady Shiva and her intentions for Cass like what she even wants from her, and literally everything Duke learned about/from Gnomon in Batman & The Signal needs following up on STAT, even if its just to say Gnomon was full of shit and Duke should not listen to him about anything. 

I also have some older posts about the possibilities of tying Duke’s powers and his family tree into the emotional entity of hope that empowers the Blue Lantern Corps, like the same way Jade - Alan Scott’s daughter - is connected to the green lantern energy and powers without actually needing to be one herself. Like, some of that meta needs tweaking because later stories I read with Duke made certain things about that not work, but like...there’s stuff there that I still would love to see played with even if just in fic, because I love the Lantern CONCEPT as a whole, and also I’m really really in love with the idea of one of Duke’s direct ancestors having maybe been an avatar of hope at some point like Kyle was for Ion, and Duke’s powers were derived from that....like we know his mom Elaine had some kind of powers as well, with the implication IMO being that they were light connected, and that’s why Gnomon was fixated on her in the first place, even if he’s lying about being Duke’s biological father....anyway, like I said, there’s definitely stuff about that lurking around my blog, I just....desperately need to get better about tagging, but also I say that a lot and then it never happens. LOL. Like I’m great at remembering to tag for trigger warnings, but tagging for organizational purposes? My brain’s like lol why would we ever do that.

But yeah, I for sure have lots of thoughts and ideas for all the family members at various times, but there’s not a whole lot of rhyme or reason to when they pop into my head or when I shift to one in specific....just that inevitably, I always shift back to being Dick Grayson hour, lol. I even have some broader Batfam/franchise posts like.....there’s one I wrote about how I’d give other Rogues than the Joker a derivative character or sidekick, like Mister Freeze, the Riddler and Poison Ivy (I think I named them Kid Chill/Tundra, the Memetic and Hemlock). 

And there’s one I keep meaning to revisit about how I’d love to see the Batfamily go up against...a whole rival family, like if a branch of the Falcones returned to Gotham to try and retake power in secret, and they had a matriarch kinda like how Bruce is the patriarch of the Batfam, and then various kids and cousins to act as foils for the Batkids. Like a hacker named Smokescreen to work on hiding their activities from Oracle’s eyes, or a rival to Jason called Red Herring who like, pits the family against each other by framing crimes on various members of the family and testing their trust in each other.

Stuff like that. So I’m not a totally one track mind. Just 90%! LOLOL.

I occasionally remember to take longer meta or ficbits and put them in this sorta catch-all fic posting I have here:

 https://archiveofourown.org/works/18557212/chapters/43986025

But like, by occasionally I mean I’ve remembered a grand total of four times, but hey, whatever. I’m a WIP. The first one is an old magic AU I’m pretty fond of....it was mostly focused on how Dick, Jason and Tim might grow up if they’d been adopted by Zatanna instead of Bruce....though Bruce ends up adopting Cass, Steph and still has Damian. Unfortunately it was written before I got caught up on DC stuff so it doesn’t have Duke in that one....though he’s in two of the others which are more just general Batfam shenanigans.

*Shrugs* Basically I’m random as fuck and hop around a lot, but I’m definitely interested in all the various Batkids, so can happily ramble about any of them with the right prompt, whether a reblog or an ask - just assuming I have the time or energy or am not being a cranky asshole at a particular character because I’m overprotective of my personal chosen fave and not above admitting it. LOL. Quelle problematique.

Like, this is a bit broader of a question then I typically know what to do with, other than just like...point to other things I’ve written that are related, lol, because like....there’s SO MANY thoughts I have or ways I could answer that, I generally don’t know where else to start haha. The more specific you are with an ask or a debate point, the better your chances of getting something definitive from me, lmao.

[lcgendcfzvlda]

☆ — wait , is that ZELDA KING ? dean lockwood has been looking for them . you didn’t hear it from me but , apparently the JUNIOR might know something about the whole omega chi & kappa tau situation . while they can be BRASH & IMPULSIVE , they’re far too WELCOMING & COURAGEOUS  to be involved , right ? those who know them say they’re reminded of FLANNELS WRAPPED AROUND THE WAIST, THE CLICKING OF A CAMERA, A COMPUTER SCREEN ILLUMINATING A PITCH BLACK ROOM, THE “IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA” THEME, BAGPIPES PLAYING IN THE DISTANCE whenever they’re around .  honestly , the DIGITAL MEDIA major should try to keep their head down . after the events of last semester , lockwood is out for blood . did you know that ZELDA is a member of GAMMA RHO ALPHA ? that might explain why their name is being brought up .

                                               you’re an explosion , you’re dynamite                                                   playlist. pinterest. to listen as you read.                                                like for a plotting dm on tumblr , react for a discord dm                                                rocky lynch lovebot / hylia.#0329 on discord.

WOOOO I really can’t keep myself from holding only one muse can’t I. WELL. This is Zelda , a bit more of a happy-go-lucky muse compared to Sam !! She’s both her own character mixed with a few others I have - I love her dearly , so please please please feel free to come at me for plots !! <3 HERE WE GO :

HISTORY

Zelda’s backstory isn’t anything special - growing up in Scotland her parents had a nice marriage , she grew up an only child , always got good grades

But she always felt... average. She never was really anyone to anybody , so Zelda had a bit of a knack for wanting attention and trying to get her voice out there. So some took this as endearing , some took it as annoying.

In high school , she was lucky enough to be selected for an exchange student program in Salem , Massachusetts - and then she’d meet the FIRST person who would make her feel special in SAGA ( Sexuality And Gender Acceptance ) Club , a cheeky blonde boy named Cyrus who had a tendency to hide in the corner of the room and not talk to many people. And they’d date for about a year , up until Zelda would have to go back to Scotland.

They had to break up when Zelda would leave , but remained extremely close and communicating daily through digital connections.

ANYWAY , that little one year romance sort of gave her more confidence to use her voice and try and light up the room - since if she could do it for one person , she could do it for multiple people. That’s what gave her the idea to pursue a career in DIGITAL MEDIA -  namely , film & video ( with digital art and photography on the side ) in the more comedic aspect. Screenplaying and the technicals behind sketch-comedy skits. Stand-up comedy , even though that was more performing.

Think like Saturday Night Live - and then think of all the technical stuff that goes into it besides the acting. The script-writing , camera angles , etc. Zelda just wanted to make people laugh.

Soooo… when she told her parents that would be what she wanted to do , her average home-life would turn sour CONSIDERING they didn’t want her to explore such risky career choices. An easier life would be to become a lawyer or a doctor - more stable. But that’s not what she wanted. So after a LENGTHY argument with her parents , Zelda would be thrown out of the house with only the money she saved ( thankfully , she’d always been the frugal one ) , and would call . . . her ex-boyfriend and his mother. Since even though they’d only been communicating digitally over the past two years , it still felt like home in Massachusetts.

Her ex’s mother would pay for a flight for her to go back to the United States , and after some time of adjusting , she’d get into Hollingsworth to pursue her career in Digital Media - staying there , but often traveling home ( being where her ex and his mom lived ) routinely.

Pledging to Gamma , her insistence for encouraging people to live their life to the fullest and readiness to include people in her free spirited antics would leave a great impression on the sorority - eventually even leading to her current position as its president.

CHARACTER / FACTS

So again !! Zelda is my trans female pansexual bby , 5’11 bc tall girls make the world go round and she is the LIVING EXAMPLE of the Halcyon label. She’s loud , carefree , optimistic - never really known to pass up an opportunity to have fun.

...that’s so basic of an intro to her personality BUT IN MY DEFENSE IT’S EARLY

BUT YEAH Zelda ?? Does not give a shit about anything. She holds no grudges towards anyone , waaaay too chill - but she flips from extremely chill and laid back to “HEY HEY LET’S GO DO THESE TEN THINGS” and it’s. Definitely a 360. But nobody’s ever seen her angry and it sort of makes people wonder if she even feels anger or if she has a secret dark side nobody knows about.

...She doesn’t. Zelda’s only habits when angry are that she’s short , to the point , and WILL call you out if you’ve done something wrong. But making her mad is extremely hard and she’ll only remotely get upset if you prove time and time after again to be a shitty person.

Which , can sort of lead her to get taken advantage of because of her chill nature - that’s how the previous issue with Gamma getting in trouble at one of their parties happened. Zelda got pissed. She knows she’s chill but she doesn’t think about how that could lead SOME people to thinking “oh I can do anything I want and she’ll be fine with it” because she doesn’t. Get angry about much.

ALSO THAT DOES MAKE HER A BIT NAIVE - just again. She’s easy to take advantage of because she believes the best in everyone and automatically assumes people will do the right thing as people. Doesn’t really understand why people will do things to hurt others and doesn’t really want to.

Also kind of jumpy like she’s a social person and definitely flips between lax and loud but it is SO easy to startle her.

AS FOR HER INTERESTS IN DIGITAL MEDIA - she is extremely talented with the entire Adobe Creative Suite , especially Premiere , Photoshop , and After Effects.

She has an Instagram dedicated to posting manips , edits , etc. she made in both PS & AE. You know those funky Insta edits you see all the time ?? Zelda makes those.

She ALSO does a lot of editing and promotion for Gamma - a lot of times they’re memey little videos or advertisements or skits that display how welcoming Gamma is , and they do a great job at leaving a good impression on possible recruits.

Her BIG thing though would be a little YouTube channel she runs where she often posts videos just around campus - think Billy On The Street , which is what she really wants to do with her digital media career.

“I’M RUNNING AROUND HOLLINGSWORTH WITH A PACK OF WILD LESBIANS”

“LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO”

She either wants to do that - or mockumentaries to put on Youtube ( or even documentaries in a whole that she approaches with her extremely sunny demeanor on conspiracies or the like ). She’d also like to film her own show to put on TV , either something like reality comedy , a reality show spoof , or even something like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia or The Office or Brooklyn 99. Comedy film is her passion.

Commentary videos are ALSO something she’s considered , much like iNabber or Strange AEons , but she thinks mockumentaries , skits , and her other work

Also that person who Photoshops heads on people’s bodies and makes memes for all the group chats she’s in

She really doesn’t take herself seriously often but frankly that’s just Gamma as a whole so it WORKS.

A good portion of Zelda’s existence is a meme tbh I honestly adore her

She has a LOT of tattoos that were designed by her ex-boyfriend since he was an art major and now is a tattoo artist in Salem - I’d point you in the direction of Hannah Pixie Snowdon’s body art as a reference , just Zelda isn’t nearly as covered as she is.

This would be the best reference I can think of rn , lots of pretty designs and some animals, maybe some symbols and references from stuff. 

Olivia doesn’t have any tattoos but WE CAN CERTAINLY PRETEND

A lot of her spare money is made doing either graphics commissions or even photography from whoever needs her services !! The majority of her stuff has been done for cosplayers , budding models , budding actors and actresses , and even for other fraternities and sororities around campus. Zelda knows no rivalries when it comes to these things.

She’s also 100% that person who keeps around a polaroid camera so she can hang up pictures she takes she’s just That Person

Decorates the Gamma house with a lot of polaroids she’s taken and memey edits she’s done in Photoshop

INSIDE JOKES ARE HER THING

She also plays guitar and is fairly good at it but doesn’t have a band or anything rn bc she’s just someone who does it bc she wants to look cool ( and also bc the guitar’s a neato instrument but yeah she started it out just bc she wanted to play SOME kind of instrument at least )

,,,but she also knows how to play the bagpipes

and she owns a pair.

they’re in the gamma house. zelda plays them at meetings.

Also I can’t 100% guarantee she didn’t get her name from the Legend of Zelda series if y’all know me u know how much I adore that series so yeah

WANTED PLOTS / CONNECTIONS

GIVE ME A COMEDY SQUAD PLEEEEEEEEASE maybe even ppl she works to make a webseries or something with ?? give me people who work constantly just to make other people laugh

People she routinely takes photographs of !!

Whether they pay her or she uses as a muse for whatever

OTHER PPL FROM THE GREEK ROW THAT JUST DON’T… LIKE ZELDA FOR WHATEVER REASON

Maybe they think she’s too chill. Maybe they think she’s hiding something. Maybe they don’t like how she’s running Gamma but for whatever reason they just DON’T LIKE HER and I want enemies so fucking give me enemies

This is so general but more Gamma sisters would be lovely Zelda’s so eager to bring in more people to make their sorority feel like home

Give me crushes Zelda pines over !! Crushes that pine over Zelda !! Gimme that skinny love shit bc my god it gets me going !!

Hookup plots are also 100% acceptable bc again Zelda’s a carefree spirit and gives No Fucks

Also 100% down 4 cute romantic plots too - Zelda is ur regular poly pan babe w/ room in her heart for 12000 suns

it’s very on brand of me to place the romance/sex plots right smack in the middle as I’m thinking of what to put down

Okay when I was in high school we had majors and I was a Digital Art major and all the Visual Art majors had this bond with us for no reason so I’d really love some Vis. Art buddies that Zelda gets along with much like the bond she has with her ex-boyfriend now

OTHER PEOPLE TO DESIGN MORE TATTOOS FOR HER PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE one day she hopes to be a coloring book

I’D LOVE SOME UNLIKELY FRIENDS TOO JUST SOME GRUMPS ZELDA’S CONSTANTLY BOTHERING W/ HER SHIT

Memey group chat pls

THATS ALL I CAN THINK OF FOR NOW maybe i’ll do a more detailed / organized list soon but yeah !! Come at me !!!

[stupidpianist]

22 october 2018

10:36: Rolling my slug body out of bed. Stayed up a bit later than I had anticipated yesterday night, was watching The Disaster Artist for a second time. Saw it once at a get together with friends when we had all been steadily drinking for a couple hours so I wasn’t paying the closest attention to it, though we all agreed that we mutually thought it was a really good movie. Read/watched some reviews of the movie by my favourite reviewers since I’ve been intrigued about it for a long time, being a fan of The Room, and read that my favourite reviewers all really liked the movie, so last night I was like, “it’s okay, your first class on Mondays isn’t until 11h35, you can sleep in a bit, just watch it, it’s okay, this will ‘inspire you’ and the net benefit of watching the movie will be a lot of productivity and general wellbeing.”

Always loved narratives like these ones, outsiders pursuing a personal dream irrespective of the views of other people, who are just “good enough” and hard enough workers and determined enough that in the end they succeed despite all expectations. It helps that Tommy Wiseau is, like, almost insane, too. I like people that seem to play with reality, like, that seem to warp reality around themselves, like, that command some extremely mass-ey gravitational field that seems to suck everything in and reprocess them based on their own frameworks, rather than the other way around the way that most ppl seem to operate in the world, maybe?

Found myself earnestly surprised at how good I thought the movie was, finding myself drawn into a Tommy Wiseau obsession. I’m tying up this liveblog update in the music library right now and I am sorry that I’m skipping around chronologically, I promise right after this tangent I’ll flip right back into “regularly scheduled programming,” just wanted to share thoughts on Disaster Artist first. Was very inspirational, I’m finding myself, today, being, like, renewed in personal endeavours, and less attentive towards the negative detractions of external influences. Feels pretty cool. Heh.

Actually woke with my alarm at 10h, but didn’t want to get out of the comforts of bed just yet, so I checked Instagram and Facebook for a few minutes and then just closed my eyes, waiting for my second alarm, which I knew was coming in a bit.

Stood, put on bathrobe, feeling “particularly luxurious,” then walked to do the ol’ routine of boiling water, brushing teeth, splashing water on face, putting water in hair, you know the drill by now. Yup, this is just going to get more and more repetitive as the days draw on. An unexpected consequence of starting this experiment is that I have a strange urge to “switch things up” and “change up the routine,” just for sake of novelty. Always had a “soft spot” for novelty, you ever wanna give me a gift? Just give me one of those cheesy, tacky novelty items you see for sale every holiday season. Get me that stuff, give it to me, I want it all. Also: those things you see in infomercials. I want ALL OF THEM. Shamwow? Slap Chop? That thing that removes hair but isn’t a razor? Gimme.

11:14: Still feeling very calm, brewing second cup of tea while sitting in front of computer, aware that I should leave in a minute if I want to be “responsibly early,” but knowing that I could leave in ten minutes and still make it to class on time if I sped walked a wee bit. Didn’t want to “rush myself” this morning, have no idea why, felt like I was “pampering myself,” so I just kept watching some YouTube videos, sipping my tea, in my bathrobe. Eventually was like, “it’s time, it’s time to do it,” and took off bathrobe, put on jeans and Bell Witch long-sleeve shirt. Realized that I might have a work shift later, and checked schedule on computer. Yup. Work later. Changed out of jeans and shirt into black pants and short-sleeve black shirt. Thought, “don’t really want to go back-and-forth from home to change, might as well wear the ‘uniform’ right now.”

11:23: Walking to class. Feeling like I want a Red Bull, probably because Tommy Wiseau, in real life, and featured in The Disaster Artist, drinks a lot of Red Bull. Thought “product placement wins again” in slightly ironic tone, then walked into dep en route to school and bought Red Bull, also painfully aware this is nowhere in my budget, and that I’d have to cut something more important than Red Bull out of the budget if I wanted to buy it. Still bought it, still chugged it in ~10 seconds, placed it in green recycling bin beside shopping complex. Took that Red Bull “to the face.”

11:34: Seems like I got to school ridiculously quickly today?? Very odd. This is a “chill class,” it’s piano pedagogy, the professor is a nice guy and easy to like. Seems like everyone is relatively laid back in the course, one or two students don’t seem very invested at all, but there is earnest commitment from the majority of us. Feels good that the first class of the week is something like this, rather than, like, psych stats, even though that’s happening tomorrow morning… Really skeptical that I’ll get myself out of bed to attend, even though I really should. Seems more likely I’m going to stay up until around one researching The Room, then sleep until ten, and miss the 08h30 call time. Whatever, I’ll deal with this at the end of the day.

Feeling excited about the work shift tonight, too, like, I really like going to work. It’s one of the few places where it’s both easy to ignore the world and feel simultaneously productive, since I’m, like, earning money, even though I’m not exactly doing that much. And it’s a good time for personal introspection; sitting alone backstage without windows, where things are mostly dark, only interacting with people who are hyper-focused on their impending performance, it makes for a good atmosphere to just be with yourself and think about things.

13:28: In music library after class, “fiending for” another Red Bull. On Indigo’s website, seems like they’re just definitively not gonna stock Megan Boyle’s Liveblog… So disappointing… But, they do have copies of the The Disaster Artist book. Don’t want to start practicing yet, for some reason practicing before, like, 15h or 16h in the practice rooms usually puts me in a crappy mood? I love practicing early in the morning if I’m alone, and there’s like a nice window and I have my coffee and there’s morning frost everywhere and I can sort of see my breath in the room. That’s fricken sweet. But if I’m put into a cage with six pianists on either side of me and it’s the morning, gosh, seriously, just so bad??? Almost “disgusting,” even. So instead of starting to practice now I’m gonna head to Indigo, read through part of the book, then think really, really, REALLY hard if I wanna drop twenty bucks on buying the thing. I really want to, but I might have to wait until next month to do so… Really don’t want to, but don’t really have much of a choice. Can’t even “pick up” more work shifts, as there aren’t many concerts this time of the year, but really “can’t complain” about money situation, either. “Feel thankful,” I’m thinking. Yeah, I am thankful, I am!!

13:57: Taking the short “trek” to Indigo bookstore. Listening to Ghost and Let’s Eat Grandma.

14:46: Mission accomplished. Bought The Disaster Artist. Was chatting with [removed] about the movie and they said they didn’t really enjoy it, also that it was problematic because a lot of Tommy Wiseau’s misogyny was skipped over and not addressed. Going to be “very aware” of this while I make my way through the book, “very excited” to “get into it.” Spent, actually, a bit shorter in Indigo than I had anticipated; I was simultaneously checking out the book The Artist’s Way that Alli had recommended to me, saying that I’d probably really enjoy it and that it was really beneficial. It seems like a self-help book centered around artistic creative recovery/rediscovering or discovering new ways of harnessing your innate creativity. Sat in my usual corner by the fantasy novels way in the back to read the beginnings of each one, and while reading The Disaster Artist this employee walks up to me and is like, “sir, I have a seat for you,” so I stand hurriedly, being like, “oh wow, okay, thanks,” and she leads me to this cushioned seat with an amazing view, and I’m thinking, real sheepishly, like, “oh my gosh, what did I do to merit this sort of treatment,” and thanked the employee, who nodded and walked away. Was like, “this right here, this is ‘real customer service.’” Settled into comfy cushioney seat to read.

Was honestly really difficult to choose between the two books. I feel like the final “nail in the coffin” for The Artist’s Way was that I didn’t think I had the right personality for self-help books. Not in, like, a stubborn, self-aggrandizing way, I hope, I don’t look down on them at all, I mean, I own How to Win Friends and Influence People, I like them, I just find that they’re written for a different demographic than I’m a part of. Usually their tactics/methods of self-improving run almost perpendicularly to my own, and if I try their methods, I almost always end up less happy and less fulfilled than before, whereas if I just “do that my body tells me to do,” I almost always end up feeling better. Feel like I’ll improve, personally, more from reading about the details of Tommy Wiseau and The Room than I will from this book. Will still read The Artist’s Way, though, gonna find a PDF of it and start the program, just don’t want to spend fifty bucks on books right now.

Going to head to the practice rooms now, feeling good about “throwing down” twenty dollars on a book rather whimsically. Feels like I’m “investing in my future” in a concrete way, like, “this is a book that you’ll internalize, that will lead to a definitive positive impact on your future life.” Eager to chart the effect this book has, expect a “George Book Review” soon. Maybe I’ll start up my podcast, too?? I used to do this “George’s Book Club” podcast, stopped doing it really early out of lack of time/effort, it was a lot of fun though, I’m gonna consider starting it up… Only, like, an hour-a-week obligation, seems insane that I wouldn’t have time to continue it, just need to “put in the effort.”

15:00: Making an impromptu pit stop at Vinh’s, the Vietnamese cafe in the music cafeteria. It features pho soup and banh mi sandwiches, and other “treats.” Gonna get a “Vinh’s Classic,” the cheapest sandwich, which has cold cuts in it, as opposed to “better things,” like barbecue pork, or grilled chicken.

Lady at cash register accidentally mis-scanned can of Coca Cola that I impulsively chose to buy. I was standing in frnot of the fridge with all the cans of pop and I was like, “I’m spending way too much money, I shouldn’t get a pop, it’s also just… expensive… and unhealthy… Why are you doing this to yourself, no, stop,” then just found myself reaching for a can anyways. Seems like a good sign that she mis-scanned the coke and didn’t notice, I didn’t have to pay for it, got the sandwich and drink for under $6. Internally high-fiving myself right now.

15:02: Got a real good room today! I’m being so spoiled. The piano in this one has a really reactive response, it’s super easy to get it to project, unlike a lot of the other pianos on the floor. Gonna make for an easier practice session, gonna take this sandwich “to my face” as fast as possible and then “dig into” some Alkan and Thalberg.

17:02: Received e-mail notification on phone, the McGill library’s copy of Liveblog is here!! I was expecting it to arrive a lot later, I submitted the acquisition request really recently, and they replied quickly, saying they had decided to purchase a copy, and would e-mail me when it had arrived, but I didn’t anticipate that it would arrive before a copy of Knausgaard’s My Struggle: Volume 6, which still somehow isn’t in the system yet??? Maybe there’s been a glitch, or something, My Struggle has been out for a month longer than Liveblog and it’s been on McGill’s acquisition list for even longer than that. Will have to look into this, will “keep you posted”...

Gonna stop my practicing today here, only two hours, but it was a really intense practice session. Was “singing along” around 60% of the time, played through Alkan, Thalberg, some Mozart, then “messed around” with some other Alkan etudes, and a bit of Prokofiev’s second piano concerto. WAsn’t the most “work-heavy” of practice sessions, but I still feel like I “got what I needed to get done, done.” Want to go to McLennan before work at 18h30 and pick up a physical copy of Liveblog, finally, FINALLY!! I’M SO EXCITED!! TO READ!! IT!! It’s going to take a long time, it’s over seven-hundred pages long, but I’m so into it a hundred pages in, that’s already 1/7 of the book, the rest of it will take no time, right???

Saw Megan Boyle comment something on a mutual writer friend’s Facebook status, only remembering this now.

17:24: Picked up the book from the reserves room, sitting in the lobby of the new music building reading it in the horu I have before work. It’s a lot more substantial, physically, than in my head, like, I knew it was a pretty long book, but I didn’t expect it to feel this dense. The cover and back are also slightly, like, pastel-hued? I’m not going to be able to describe it very well, I was just expecting it to be completely black and white, but now it really, really reminds me of the cover of Taipei, which is funny because the author’s photo on the back of Liveblog was taken by Tao Lin. Seems like these two novels could really be considered “sister novels” for a variety of reasons, like, they cover a similar time period, they feature many of the same people, they’re about a similar period of life in both author’s lives, Megan and Tao were engaged, etc. etc. The cover also has this really pleasing texture to it, like, it feels so good to run your hand over it. It’s one of my favourite cover designs, still not as good in my opinion as Tao Lin’s Richard Yates or Taipei, or the Farrar, Straus and Giroux editions of Knausgaard’s My Struggle, but it’s definitely up there. I think it just doesn’t really fit the material of the novel as well as Taipei’s cover, I mean, the covers look so similar they could’ve been swapped (though oh god Taipei with the cover design of Liveblog would’ve been so much worse than the fluorescent, shimmering letters it actually has), but the cover of Taipei matches up so well with the information the novel presents it’s unbelievable.

Okay sorry for this rambling, meandering conversation on book covers wow. “Settling into” Liveblog again, find myself consistently laughing and grinning wildly at Megan’s observations. Really enjoy the way she perceives things, wish I have the opportunity to “sit down and talk with her” one day, assuming she’d want to talk to me.

17:57: Boss texted me, asking if I could actually help him out at Redpath hall with moving something heavy. Gonna have to “pack it in” early and head over, it’s only a five minute walk or so. I like working with him, he’s a “great guy,” feel like I’m using that phrase correctly? Like, if I was in a movie right now, and I was speaking to a friend, I’d be like, “my boss, yeah, yeah, he’s a real great guy, he’s ‘one of the good ones.’” Blasting Ghost through headphones while heading over.

A summary of the events in Redpath:

-Got to the hall, went to boss’ office adjacent to backstage. Made pleasant conversation with him for around fifteen minutes while we waited for the rehearsal to be over. Usually I don’t make much conversation with him, not because I don’t want to, but I don’t usually have anything I want to “bring up” or “say” to most people, even if I like them. Today was, like, egregiously easy to make conversation, for some reason, maybe a result that I’ve been in a consistently good mood of late?? He also seemed “in high spirits.”

-Rehearsal ended, took pair of work gloves that boss then deemed the “sick gloves,” and that he wouldn’t touch the gloves again, stated in a humorous tone of voice. Walked with boss on stage, saw Poppy on harpsichord, said, “oh hey, it’s Poppy!” Spoke for a few seconds with her, told her I was here working, that I was just moving something heavy.

-Got two other musicians from rehearsal to help us, one whose name I forget, and Eliana (not sure if I’m spelling this right????), a cellist that I’ve had a few classes with over the years. Feel like Eliana is grouped with “people I’ll voluntarily make eye contact with and smile to,” one of the closest groups of people in my mind to “friends,” probably feel similarly to this group of people as most other people feel towards their actual friends, maybe?? Feel like, because I barely speak to anyone, and “hang out” with even fewer people, as a result, a ridiculous majority of my interactions with people are peripheral, voluntarily, so, to me, if I even feel comfortable smiling to someone or waving at them while passing them, that’s, like, to me, a “big deal”??

-Boss slid box with electric organ in it into hall, four of us hoisted the box up onto stage

-Went back to Boss’ office, chatted for a couple more minutes, he signed my time sheet, wished each other a good evening

-Stepped out of hall, put backpack down on floor to put on headphones and start blasting Ghost again before walking back to Tanna Hall

Was doing this weird thing with my neck while walking to Tanna, entirely unsure why I was doing it, other than it “felt good” to do, was just sort of craning my head back, then shaking it back and forth sort of like people do in the shower? Felt “amazing” to do this, have no idea why. Felt my adrenal glands firing away, as result of Ghost pounding through headphones. Picturing the live shows of Ghost I’ve seen on YouTube in my head while walking, not feeling the cold temperature at all.

18:54: “Settled in” for work, backstage.

19:34: Jazz concert tonight, which are always just a lot more casual than classical concerts, meaning I really don’t have anything to do other than sit back here and hit record, also that I need to clear the stage once the concert is over, but, gonna be a “real chill one” tonight, folks. Gonna read Liveblog while idly listening to the concert. Here’s a view of my “workplace environment”:

19:41: Not really “into” the music in this concert so far. Wow why am I even writing this, why is my opinion on this at all important? NO WAIt this is MY liveblog I’m gonna run it HOW I WANT and I’m GIVING MY OPINION. On page 97 of Megan’s Liveblog, gonna try to “make a huge dent in it” right now, finding myself increasingly engrossed.

20:04: Spent a bit too long “perusing” the free and for sale page for McGill on Facebook. NEver ceases to astound me how expensive some of the stuff being sold is… Also kind of got “sucked into” the endless hellhole of Instagram, spent like 15 minutes just scrolling through it. Got some great memes out of it, I guess? Gonna go pee now, then return to Liveblog. (Guess what? The concert isn’t getting better either.)

Feel like buying beer tonight. Usually don’t drink on weeknights, but feeling like some beer tonight, feels like a “good way to end the day,” like, it feels satisfying to buy some beer on the walk home after work. That sounds so official. “I’m having a few beers after my work shift ends. I’m having a few beers after work. Yeah, man, just having a few drinks after work. Just gonna throw back a few after work, wanna join? Hey, hey, you wanna hit up a bar after work? Yo, wanna come get some drinks with us after work?”

20:55: Feeling increasingly annoyed that this concert is still, somehow, inconceivably, unstoppably still going on?? Someone needs to put a stop to this, it’s almost nine, if this runs over their scheduled time slot I’m going to be... miffed... Gonna be real miffed about this... Just let me go home, I mean, I like staying here late so stay as long as you want, but, like, oh oh--!! OH OKAY THEY’RE ENDING NOW OKAY sick wow sorry for the rant wow jeez okay

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

Luke/Tori for the ship ask please?

thanks for being so patient! i got carried away and then stuck bc i got carried away lol and i’ve also just been busy bc grad school lmao ;_;

here it is finally! under a cut as per my yuzh

who hogs the duvet

luke, bc he’s just a cold human being. lol not like in his heart or soul, but his body runs colder than most, so he’s chilled like all the time

if he’s not acting like an octopus, he’s hogging the duvet. tori doesn’t mind a whole bunch, since she runs warm (thanks apollo), but sometimes, on really cold nights (heating is so expensive and if they can keep it off, they will), it’s v annoying so she’ll forcefully pull the duvet back, which forces luke to turn into an octopus

who texts/rings to check how their day is going

i’d say tori is. she worries a lot abt luke, esp bc he can kinda hole up inside his mind when he’s having a tough time

those little text alert noises and rings are actually quite comforting for luke. he appreciate them a lot, which he’d never say out loud, but he doesn’t need to since they can read each other pretty well

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts

you might be surprised, but luke actually is. it comes from his creativity for pranks

who gets up first in the morning

tori does! thanks apollo, but only during the summer lmao

it’s super bad in the summer too, bc the days are longer and it gets light around 4 or 5 in the morning lol

but tori generally gets up with the sun (thanks apollo), so during the winter she gets up later than in the summer and luke is generally up before her

who suggests new things in bed

i mean, honestly both of them do!

tori does more often, but luke will if it’s been a long day, and an even longer night bc either/or both of them can’t sleep bc of nightmares or what have you

wait, i’m just realizing this might be a sexual question??? lmao, i read it like one of those philosophical talks you have with your best friend at sleepovers at 3am (same energy anyway)

well, if it is a sexual question (i’m honestly not sure, my ace brain is seriously just That ace), i would say neither of them, honestly

like they’ve been through so much in their lives. role-play doesn’t do it for them. tori hates being held down/restrained, and they’ve both incurred enough injuries from monsters for a lifetime so bdsm is also out

they’re also both tops, so that complicates things sometimes, but “““““vanilla””””” sex is fine for them

who cries at movies

lol tori does. no question.

who gives unprompted massages

luke, for sure. and tori loves it

but tori will sometimes do so if she sees luke’s stressed and tense

who fusses over the other when they’re sick

totes luke, he turns in to like a mother hen (but don’t tell him i told you that) and worries over tori whenever she gets sick

obvi tori takes care of luke when he’s sick, but luke’s the one to really go those extra 500 miles

who gets jealous easiest

lmao, can’t choose on that one bc both of them get supremely jealous

it doesn’t help that luke is bi and tori is biromantic, so anyone is technically fair game and they’re both very good-looking ppl

who has the most embarrassing taste in music

tori! she’s a hopeless romantic, and so like all those cheesy, gooey love songs and will listen to them all day every day

and i mean i wouldn’t strictly classify that as “embarrassing” per se, but that’s the best answer i have for ya

who collects something unusual

hmmm, luke.

you could argue most things are “unusual” to collect, but luke collects journals filled with entries. like he fell out of it after thalia, and then that whole thing happened with kronos lol, but after that (this is the everybody lives!au if you couldn’t tell) he picks it back up again

so he just has stacks of journals, all filled, many from tori–its therapeutic and he finds it’s something he actually quite enjoys. in the quiet of his shared bedroom with tori, of course

who takes the longest to get ready

not really either of them. i mean, i guess tori just bc if she wants to do something with her hair, it takes longer

but tori doesn’t wear a lot of makeup to begin with, and just as well she doesn’t have to try That hard to look nice (thanks apollo)

luke is already good-looking, and even tho he doesn’t have any divine blessing, he doesn’t have to do a lot to look good either

who is the most tidy and organised

luke, he hates clutter

he can’t think, and it only reminds him of the crowded hermes cabin

who gets most excited about the holidays

tori, bc she’s making up for all she missed out in childhood

luke indulges her bc he’s secretly making up for all he missed out in childhood, but he often doesn’t like expressing he’s excited for the holidays, except for quietly when he’s in the privacy of his and tori’s apt. he doesn’t mind showing tori how much he’s enjoying himself

who is the big spoon/little spoon

they switch constantly

tori loves being the little spoon, but so does luke. even if tori is kinda tiny lol

when it’s cold at night and luke is hogging the blankets but tori is still warm enough, but her nose gets cold, she’ll roll over and press her nose into luke’s back to share what little warmth he can give her. he’ll often reach back for her arm and she’ll put it around him, lacing her fingers with his, letting her hand rest against his chest, where his heart is

more often then not tho, tori is the little spoon bc luke has turned into an octopus seeking warmth at night

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports

like the jealousy thing, they both do

you don’t want them on opposite sides

likewise, you don’t want them together, bc they’ll pulverize you

so it’s really lose-lose either way

who starts the most arguments

oh man, i mean i guess both of them

they’re both worried abt each other’s safety, so that’s mostly what they argue abt

tori probably starts them a little more often, if only bc luke often jumps in front of her when they’re in danger just out instinct and before tori can jump in front of him, which annoys her

not just bc she can take care of herself, but also bc luke does so with reckless abandon and she doesn’t like that he could potentially be wounded/hurt/killed bc he was protecting her

who suggests that they buy a pet

tori, but only bc they were passing a pet shop one day and she noticed luke’s eyes lingering on one of the kittens inside that had taken a liking to luke

it was december, so v cold. and they were on their way back to their apt when they passed a pet shop

and as they’re passing, one of the kittens leaps up and paws at the window, following the couple as they continue pass

this catches luke’s attention, and he finds the little kitten’s persistence endearing as they walk past

the kitten’s also meowing, but obvi they can’t hear it. luke can see it tho bc its little mouth keeps moving

even tho luke insists it’s okay if they don’t get the kitten, tori drags him inside anyway and they go to the pen, and the little kitten is waiting for them on the other side

it’s a calico and it’s not until they’re inside that they notice this little kitten’s eye is injured on its right side (bc of glare from the window outside)

luke is only able to stare, too in shock to really move or think, but tori picks up the mewling ball of fluff and coos at it. then she holds it out for luke to take. and he’s hesitant at first, bc its so small and fragile, but tori gently coaxes it into his arms. and he rests it on his shoulder and it falls asleep, the precious bby

luke panics at that, though, bc he doesn’t know what to do lol. tori is not help, she just laughs and smiles at him

one of the workers goes over to them then and says that injured animals are always tough to sell, so tori, of course, immediately says they’ll buy this kitten

anyway, her official name is jiji, but her nickname is kitty bc that’s what luke referred to her as when they first brought her home and it kinda stuck.

what couple traditions they have

idk if this qualifies as a “tradition” per se, but, since we’re in the everyone lives!au, this is also the au where luke surprises tori with a song for her b-day one yr

and so after that their “i love you” turns into, “did i mention?”

after long days/after a monster attack while they’re out trying to be normal, and after they’ve cleaned up and are relaxing in bed, they’ll softly sing duets together (since luke can sing now lol; also from linked post). but tori’s still trying to get luke to sing a duet with her in public, to no avail so far

i’ve mentioned before that they like to shower together (again it’s not ever sexual), it’s more meditative and still v much intimate

again, not exactly a tradition, but sometimes if tori’s having trouble sleeping/it’s a particularly bad night regarding nightmares, luke will softly sing to her (most of the time, “did i mention” bc he knows how happy it makes her)

valentines day is a BIG thing. and it feels so cliche for me to say, but tori LOVES that holiday and luke would do anything for that woman. so he’ll do as much cheesy, romantic stuff as he can and that he’s gleaned from movies (and like actually romantic stuff, not the White™ version of romance where the man stalks/forces the woman’s hand)

i mean most of the big holidays–valentines, halloween, christmas and new yrs are p big things in the williams-castellan household

most of the time, they spend it alone together (lol if that makes sense) like the week or day before, they’ll go out with friends and what family they have left lmao i made myself sad ;_; but on the day of, they’ll spend it together in the comfort of their apt bc going out is too overwhelming for both of them

every sunday, they’ll bake together and every monday, they’ll make a meal together. it helps them enjoy the end of their weekend and the beginning of a new work-week more, being able to spend that time together and looking forward to it at the end of those dreaded mondays

what tv shows they watch together

adult cartoons like bob’s burgers, rick & morty, and futurama

episodic comedies like parks & rec, the office, b99, and scrubs

they’ll sometimes chance it with crime procedurals and the like, but if the show gets too heavy, they’ll stop and not really go back bc they’ve dealt with enough

same goes for sci-fi/fantasy shows (tho they chance these even less bc they deal with enough mythology shit just being demigods)

what other couple they hang out with

they’ll sometimes hang out with like percy and annabeth (and maybe the other couples from the seven JASON IS STILL ALIVE I SAID EVERYONE LIVES!AU + nico and will, etc.), but it’s more in a mentor kind of way, since luke and tori are so much older than all of them. they’re good to go to for advice abt relationships, and also life in general

i like to think they are able to make friends with couples their age through places like the waystation that are hidden throughout the mortal world, but they’re wary abt new ppl bc they’ve had so many bad experiences, just in general (not necessarily with ppl)

so if you do manage to become a friend and they ask you to go on a double date with them with your partner, it’s ride or die for them (and it better be mutual)

how they spend time together as a couple

quiet nights in, mundane date nights out–anything a normal couple would do bc they’ve been through enough already, they don’t need more excitement/trauma

that, of course, doesn’t stop monsters from attacking them when they go out. but after a battle, they’ll go home, clean up, and cuddle on the bed with lofi music playing in the background and scented candles lit around the room

who made the first move

tori did regarding their private confirmation of being in a relationship since she’s demi, and she’d told luke so. he didn’t want to push her into anything she was uncomfortable with, esp if her feelings stayed platonic/friendly, so he let her take the reins

luke did regarding their public confirmation of being in a relationship when he asked her to the fireworks show

who brings flowers home

luke does bc he knows tori likes it when he does romantic things she’s seen in movies

who is the best cook

neither really, since they didn’t exactly grow up in traditional homes

but a few years after the war and of living together, tori decides to take classes on mexican cuisine to reconnect a little more with her roots and her mom. luke joins her, obvi, bc he cares and love her duh

tori’s the better cook tho; luke likes to bake

thanks again for being patient! as it always is, i enjoyed writing abt my loves

FEED ME SEYMOUR

[heyteebs]

cousin dies of an overdose and another cousin has a daughter an incel man plows into ppl in a truck in toronto mostly women and there are something like 7 million more men than women in India and China and it turns out a literal part of roy’s heart has died it says in the echocardiogram he got before starting a new ADD med but it’s fine he just needs to eat more salad and mamihlapinatapai is the most precise word according to linguists bc it means something like when two ppl look at each other and the look is that they both know what the other shd do but neither wants to initiate and wilkes says john krazinski is the shortest of three brothers the others are 6′8 and 6′9 and i start to palpitate and my booty falls  the fuck off on the link light rail on the way to drop off my stuff at rich’s in cap hill before making a zine with aidan at cold cube and IMAGINE BEING THE MOZARELLA IN BETWEEN THAT FUCKING SLICE OF BAGUETTE ARE YOU KIDDING ME  6′8 AND 6′9 I NEED TO BE IN A SMALL CLOSET IN A SHOE BOX APARTMENT IN THE STICKS LIKE TOTALLY BY MYSELF SUFFOCATING INTO A PAPER BAG and jess texts me she’s got a mass inside of her the size of an orange and she’s going in next week and I’m practicing lines for when I officiate Becky’s wedding some kind of grand metaphor about the golden hour and wanting to experience things vs dissect them and someone tells me they used to say you shd wait five years before publishing yr next book like seriously what’s yr rush it’s encouraged and I’m like did u not just read? my cousin died today he’s only two years older than me like binch i would LOVE to imagine being alive in five years but I have these bones u feel me? and just like that i’m writing a poem

again

I will always remember you

on the drive to seattle, platelets in the artery of the 5 shunting into the city’s heart bc usually I take the bust bc of course usually I’m by myself and the bus meanders off the freeway and comes in on the sneak, dropping me in the international district like a side piece and this is the last sentiment abt boys I will ever write bc I’ve already written those poems I mean those books lol Connective tissue wears down over time causing all sorts of problems, including________

I’m hungry and I said it and I’m not taking it back I guess time really has passed even though now it feels like gurgling rainbow sprinkles I remember being a common teenage anorexic in the throws I mean the throes of whittling myself invisible and saying “I’m Hungry” was like saying “Kill Me Slowly With Blunt Force Trauma You Fucking Dog Bitch” and while I’ve gotten better at saying the word and in fact all words and in fact it turns out I have a very loud ass face buried under the mirepoix of self-censorship and extreme doubt and cool ranch doritos I don’t know what it means in the sense that I’m hungry like is that something I shd take care of with food?

Okay. Yes. Got it. But pizza nachos or a salad and like life says do both do it all stupid or none of it and I shame face still embargo fashion magazines and as self actualized or whatever as i can get I still can’t step on a scale without invoking somewhere in my ankle chakra the weights I would wear at weigh ins so my mom would feel okay at the tail end of their marriage and when the suns set on our family And later Rich and Willie and Chase talk about the ProudBoys stalking up to Cap Hill 70 strong twice the size the were last year “not to fight” chase says intones that they’re mostly non violent frat boys just trying to disrupt the community and I feel disrupted and disrupted is the literal outcome terrorism Not like Syria or Pakistan where the journalists lay or Mogadishu bustling city center bombs or ICE at every 

turn targeting churches Sanctuaries and sanctuary cities and ppl targeting Michelle Wolf for calling out liars at the WHCD in the corrupt regime like arent we supposed to be rallying around her? Where to we place the feelings of white women over literal families being torn apart and the the bombs and the bombs and the bombs in other countries 

and murdered and missing indigenous women never get an article on any paper its like idk if I’m even here  

[amjustagirl]

Nikkiiii !!! i've said this before but i'll rephrase in case it becomes more comprehensible, YOUR BRAIN IS VERY SEXY.

in all seriousness, the fact that you like your characters only proves that you aim to write good and enjoyable pieces instead of writing for the sake of posting, no matter how uninspired and unfaithful to the characters the work might be.

and that is precisely why you're one of my favourite authors here AND IT'S NOT UP FOR DISCUSSION !! you have authenticity and it shows. so no, it is not shameless to enjoy your characters when they're beautifully written !!

my trip it's ,,, i don't know how to describe it, im currently camping in the middle of a forest, on a god forsaken island, on the other side of greece so it's uhhh interesting? i come here every year to enjoy the nature, mediate, reflect on myself, and set goals for self improvement before i go back to a year of intense studying 🤧

almost everyone comes here for the same reason, a small community is set up every may and people come and go until september. i'll be hitchhiking my way to natural hotsprings and waterfalls for ten days, so i'd say that this is bliss! but this kind of more primal, i guess you could say, situation isn't for everyone so i'll just say that my trip is interesting instead :>

no no no girl you're doing amazing !!

even in irl situations most dialogues we have aren't exactly the profound type but isn't that okay? to talk about seemingly unimportant things i mean, it's like 'love knows not it's depth'. the same way negative things that get swept under the rug end up pilling and can even dissolve a previously good relationship, conversations about 'nothing seemingly substantial' can grow into the substance of a relationship when shared between the right people, me thinks.

and now that i've said me thinks, i forgot to mention something very important earlier, MIYA KAIYO SUPREMACY ME THINKS !!!

kaiyo and atsumu though 🥰🥰

truth be told reader chan and i both share the anxiety and overthinking thingies, so i can't wait to read the next chapters and witness at least SOMEONE making some progress and shake these off, even if it's just with hot mr. Perfect Shinksuke

ahhhh i mean isn't it natural that he did ????

take care love ♡ i admire you for even trying to skate tbh, just give me a cup of coffee and a book and let me vibe, i can't get behind more athletic activities :(

pretty much already replied this even though i wasn't asked to lol, i'm doing well !! im enjoying my vacation but i also want the days to pass faster because i'll be moving out of town next month and it's exciting !! you find me in my usual paradoxical mindset tbh

ellie!!! thank you bb!! yeah i feel like an indulgent parent to my characters sometimes - i love them so much, but then i wonder whether my love for them is misplaced HAHAHA. and yeah no it's a matter of personal honour to never publish works that i'm personally not happy with (hence why the osamu installment of storm chaser is still in limbo LOL).

oh on another note - yeah it's something i struggle with, writing reader insert characters with strong personalities of their own. i can't ever write blank slate characters (or unrealistic characters for that matter, yknow the characters that sit around the house all day and wait and cry when their hq bfs come home late fr work) but sometimes i wonder if ppl don't want me to write personalities into my characters cos it makes it harder to relate to them? idk. something i grapple with from time to time.

HAHA it's actly so much fun writing both kaiyo and the reader in this fic cos they're pretty different but yet they're such good friends and continually support each other! personally i feel like the reader here is a lot more relatable - she's a bit like yachi in the overthinking department, and she's obviously anxious despite being v competent in her own right. also, *waggles my eyebrows about her progress w dear shin-chan*

omg greece....you know i grew up reading the corfu trilogy by gerald durrell and i've had a hankering to just spend a whole month kicking back and enjoying the greece countryside so im exceedingly jealous but happy that you're enjoying yourself, bb!!! i love the food i love the culture (even tho i just spent a couple of days on santorini and athens) and when travel reopens i defo wanna explore more of greece! in the meantime, take care and rest and recuperate!!! it's so exciting to hear you have so many things lined up ahead!!!

[souljournaler]

I’m gonna reach out to that cop-looking entity and channel the message

i’ll put my communications in bold

immediate update, i can’t seem to get a lock on them. i remember their outfit, but each time i try to imagine it, their form underneath the outfit shifts. sometimes they are shorter, sometimes they are tall, sometimes they are lean, sometimes they are broad. they are always quiet, but i can sense they feel something under their masks.

my bias says again, astral cops. magic fasc. the fact that their masks were so featureless and shiny, and the military-ish uniform? Black pvc is A Look, i gotta admit, but it looks so hella fasc-y & cop-ish

let’s see if i can get any of them to talk

they dont expect me to go straight for seeing through their eyes. i’ll put my feet in their feet and feel them in their own shoes and it makes them leap. i get kicked out immediately. i think it’s hilarious. i dont think they agree.

they dont even know why theyre there, they are just following orders. many are not even lucid until i disrupt them and then we both get kicked.

some of them are awake while their energy is out busting ppl’s dream bubbles! not like breaking them, but like a cop would bust someone, but literally in people’s dreams and astral spaces

they look for cracks.

oh whoops someone is getting me back!! time to channel

who is this

how did you find me

where are you

open your eyes

are you real

wow hm ok, well, they weren’t very strong, just very startled. they cant stay focused now that they’re awake. i think they felt my presence though. oops lmao

someone has been looking for me. maybe not me, but something/someone like me

they have a higher voice, dark hair, tan skin, extremely slick & neat bun, dark brown eyes. their favorite hair accessory are navy or grey scrunchies. big ROTC vibes. innate magical talent but doesn’t know how to use their power which has become more intrusive on their everyday life over the past few years. they live in a nice house post-2000s construction or remodeled then, mostly tidy, workout equipment, house plants, white walls & light tile floors. Black gym bag. didn’t have time to take their grandma’s powers & practices seriously.

who are you

why are you looking for me

i was told to find you

who told you to find me

my grandma, i think

did you bust my dream a few weeks ago?

no. what?

who are you?

i cant hear their name cuz honestly i dont want to know but i heard Lieutenant. it’s really hard to stay focused cuz im hella distracted in my workspace rn

wow you’re really strong

thanks. wait what do you mean?

you keep finding our connection again

you keep diverting

ok. that’s true. well, what can you tell me about the 

wow i got distracted, just got some kinda good news oh wow they’re pulling me back

where do you keep going

another channel

what’s that mean

you’re channeling baybee

what’s that mean

sixth sense henny

welcome to clairaudience. hearing shit.

they cut the connection

no they didn’t lol they’re back

wym hearing shit

spirit realm baybee. did u just have a weird dream?

ooh the connection has cut out again

i think they’re having a lil moment. their call feels like someone pinching my deltoids lol. they do seem kinda cop-ish the way i saw them just now. i wonder if we’re on the same earth.

woop they’re reaching again.

what do you want?

what do you want?

you first

who are you

Look, Lt. you have some powers. your grandma didn’t get to tell you about them.

wym?

sorry, i can’t tell you anything else. you seem kinda cop-ish, no offense. it’s harshing my vibe.

wym cop-ish

no offense

wym cop-ish

u ask a lot of questions i dont rly have answers to. look, i saw someone dressed like this in my dream right as i was waking up. do you know them?

[the image of the outfit from my vision]

no i don’t really recognize that.

okay, that’s all i wanted to know. i thought about them and something clicked our energy together. i wasn’t really looking for anything else.

[they showed me my image back] i don’t think i’ve seen them.

i see an image of a dream where they are wearing that outfit and they see themself in a mirror and take their helmet off. they are surprised to see themself underneath.

are you recording me?

no

im lying, im recording this.

i can’t do this right now

ok bye.

i tried to close the link

why the hell did you record that?

you need to be more careful about what you share on a psychic link.

i’m seeing the flash from their dream again

why is that bothering you?

i don’t know

it feels normal. but scary.

what’s scary about it?

i don’t know. just... the mask makes me faceless. and i’m taking it off because i want to see myself.

why did you redact that part?

quit asking too many questions.

ok.

who are you?

you can call me whatever.

that’s not gonna work

no it’ll be like odysseus calling himself nobody, that’s cool

i’m not doing that. that means i’m polyphemus

oh my gods you know epic poetry, that’s cool

of course, we all had to read it in school

yeah i guess that’s true.

why are you trying to trick me?

because im assuming you’re a cop. just cuz u have powers doesnt mean i can trust u.

should i not trust u either?

no u can trust me if u want. but like, honestly, it’s up to u and ur discretion.

okay.

i’m still recording this

what dude what the fuck

sorry. i’m going to close this channel now. it’s been nice! bye!

where are you going?

they’re holding the channel open

hey i’m talking to you

who are you

im closing the channel

hm. okay. well. okay. honestly i ran out of energy at the end there but they kept putting their foot in the door to the channel. ppl with innate power can be scary cuz they don’t know how strong they can be. i bet that person is gonna feel hella tired later.

they tried the channel again a couple times but i’ve closed my personal channel for a little bit so they keep hitting it like a wall.

wait

who are you

why did you contact me like this

what am i supposed to do now?

idk fam, have yourself a lil moment tho

i’ll let yall know if i hear anything new but im gonna submit this post now

[unscramblingtheliberalarts-blog]

Aydelotte’s Social Media Weather Report: Niche in Small Liberal Arts Colleges

I’ve been compiling posts that contribute to popular discourse about the insularity of small liberal arts colleges. Their “nicheness” has for the most part on Tumblr received praise. For some, the liberal arts college “bubble” ensures a safe space that galvanizes, not stymies, spiritual growth:

oceansofbliss:

I just want to go back to my liberal arts college where everyone is nice and no one is very discriminatory and I live in a happy bubble of accepting joy

(emphasis added)

gryffindored:

the family that i created through my theatre degree in a small, liberal arts school in new england will never cease to amaze me. in times of tragedy, we are always pulling together and making magic happen.

(emphasis added)

theprettypatriot:

But my private school of less than 2000 is where I learned who I was and what I stood for. I figured out that life was absolutely what you made it, and that at the end of the day you are solely responsible for your happiness. I learned that losers quit when they’re tired and winners quit when they’ve won. Most importantly, I learned that it wasn’t your failures, but how you responded to them that defined you.

(emphasis added)

dandelionbreaks:

“The purpose of a university is to engage in dialogue, debate, and exchange ideas in order to try and come to some meaningful conclusion about an issue at hand. Not to shut ourselves off from ideas we find threatening.” — Charles Negy, Professor, Says Students Showed ‘Religious Arrogance And Bigotry’ In A Letter Later Posted On Reddit, emphasis added

Other students spoke of how liberal arts college’s insularity and small class size was a real and significant factor in the college decision-making process:

sunnystrong:

When conducting my college search, I looked for small liberal arts colleges (because I prefer smaller class sizes, and more interactions with professors) with a strong biological science or neuroscience programs (because I want to study those subjects), and Mount Holyoke ended at the top of my list. (emphasis added)

whatcomesnextisstrange:

Calvin’s general population tends to be the sheltered kind that don’t get out enough to really understand the real world, though as they spend time on Calvin’s campus I hope that that is changing. The students that come that don’t have the Dutch CRC background are slowly making differences, whether it be because the discussions they get into tend to be more political or philosophical, or that the general population of the United States is just getting more and more depressed and therefore hopefully more and more introspective.

... I’ve found great people here, not necessarily the people my parents thought I would find of course, their idea of a good friend is basically a robot anyways.

(emphasis added)

marilyns-child:

Then one day, while I was struggling with my decision between the two, I asked my mom for advice... She told me to apply to our local state university for two years and then I could transfer to a liberal arts college. We fought for days over it, but I eventually gave in.

I never made it to the liberal arts college.

...

I lasted a year and a half in college, following everyone else’s dreams for me. I took sixteen credit hours, worked two jobs, and started on a downward spiral that ended with me crying in a professor’s office, telling him I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t continue on. I was drunk, my hips were bleeding from having cut myself, and I hadn’t eaten in two days. By then, I had changed my degree to English ( “You can be a teacher!”) and there wasn’t a second of college I liked. I was miserable in a state school of thousands of students, being taught by professors who didn’t know me, and studying something I didn’t want to.

...

Sometimes, most of the time, following the money isn’t the answer. Following your heart often is.

(emphasis added)

Several posts delved into how the culture of insularity allowed for more open discourse about sexuality and pornography:

chongthenomad:

the awesome thing about the college I go to is that during one of my classes we were playing two truths and one lie and one girl was listing off the facts about herself and the last thing she said was that she was a stripper, and it turns out she actually was one but the thing is no one had any weird or disgusted or creepy looks on their faces, everyone just smiled and nodded and our amazing teacher even asked her where she worked and then she smiled at her and told her how convenient her job was since the strip club was not too far from campus and wow i really love my school

cyandie:

not being in the insular bubble of liberal arts school for several months now has made me even more vitriolicly opposed to porn because i forgot how average ppl really just talk about it and are so unopen to negotiating why [the industry is] heinous! ...

On the other hand, the same “nicheness” that was praised for bringing about a close-knit community also garnered criticism. Some posts touched upon the “liberal,” “left-ist,” “socially mindful/sensitive” stereotypes of people in liberal arts colleges: 

surfcommiesmustdie:

one of my brothers teaches poli-sci at a small liberal arts college in illinois and my dad was telling me he went full cultural marxist. he used to focus on latin american politics but now he’s knee deep in gender stuff and other assorted social justice crap.

i advised disowning him

snout:

person: *holds elevator door open for me*

me: lmaoooo wow, virtue signaling much…? i bet you think youre just SUCH a good person. Oh sorry, did i trigger you? LOL. tough shit, the real world isn’t just a big liberal arts school. uhhh yeah, I’ll take the stairs, THANKS. 😏

Other critiques possessed a less facetious vein, noting the ironic social alienation that such insularity produced:

no-identity-land:

Honestly I’d so love to try and find some new friends or something more through an app or site like Her or Tinder or something, but my campus is ridiculously small and in the middle of nowhere, and my self-esteem can’t handle the thought of rejection (and the inevitability of having to see one of these people all the time on campus) so I’ll just pretend that I’m the one choosing to stay single and save myself the embarrassment lol

(emphasis added, Tagged: lgbt, gay, lesbian)

man-of-prose:

“This is what the real, no-bull- value of your liberal-arts education is supposed to be about: How to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default-setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone, day in and day out.” - David Foster Wallace, emphasis added

Another crucial criticism was the lack of access to the general public about academic theory that such insularity inexplicably reinforce:

hedevitoanditsown:

college/academia and various sub-cultures (punk, metal, regional cultural destinations like Portland, etc.) should not be the only avenues for which we recruit people into radical spaces. ... put your theory into practice and teach people the value of solidarity, mutual aid, etc. these people won’t take communism seriously until you divorce the cold-war rhetoric from the reality. starting up food not bombs in your liberal arts college town full of upper middle class liberals isn’t going to get us very far (not that feeding people who are vulnerable is a bad thing).

... 

i think in order for the left to succeed, we need to overcome two major hurdles:

we need to make our theory less confusing and more accessible (breaking news: academia isn’t appealing to a lot of people and neither is theory that’s barely comprehensible. people have more important things going on in their lives, like putting food on their table and caring for their kids/families, than to try and figure out wtf derrida was saying)

we need to actually put our theory into practice (at least the stuff we can immediately, like we don’t need a full-scale revolution to practice mutual aid and democratic decision-making, etc.) and use it to HELP people who actually need it. think black panthers pre-COINTELPRO. because as we’ve seen the political elites of BOTH parties have left the working classes out in the cold to starve, they’re scared and irrational, so fascism is a logical leap for these people.

(emphasis added)

inqilabi:

Women participate in their own silencing. That’s the tragic part. Our own self regulation. We are raised to silence ourselves, become smaller, less visible. Then when women become feminists, you see the same crap… Except it’s got some name of some theory attached, and it’s taught in liberal arts schools or what have you.

Insularity is clearly a multi-faceted topic in discourse about liberal arts college culture on Tumblr. Small class sizes are praised for fostering an often intimate, sympathetic community and opening academic discussion about publicly stigmatized subjects, such as sexuality and porn. Yet, the “nicheness” generated from a tightly knit population does not prevent experiences of social exclusion or loneliness, which students (in this case from the LGBTQIA+ community) have found themselves struggling with. Nor does it solve the issue of general inaccessibility to sociopolitical theory and academics taught in higher education.

[jooheongif]

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

[leaveharmony]

** this got mad towards the end and it wasn't a targeted sort of mad at anyone in particular so much as a tired & probably-stemming-from-always-having-thing-I-enjoy-and-the-way-I-engage-with-it belittled sort of mad.  And as my father has always taught me, having or expressing emotions is shameful and wrong, so sorry.

Idk I think it's like....harder for me to cast judgement RE: ~cheating scandals~ or w/e because it goes back to it all being completely theoretical to me. No one's ever, face to face, at any time in any way expressed any kind of romantic interest in me whatsoever, I've never been in a relationship of any kind.  It hasn't come up, and that's fine.  Whether this is a case of you cannot miss what you've never had or whether I'm just like....a broken empty vessel for whom the yearning for human contact has gone beyond recall or desire, I dunno, and it doesn't concern me.  This isn't a pity me statement or an uwu secret crush notice me statement, I literally don't care at this point and tbh can't remember ever having done so.

Probably my oldest friend at this point, she....like as long as I've known her she's dated married men almost exclusively (and this started when we were both in highschool, when she was screwing around w/ her married english teacher - something I now understand was shocking predatory behaviour and probably statutory rape besides, but she does not acknowledge it as such so bring it up isn't my place).  She's been seeing the current one for at least three years now, I think, and he's married.  It's certainly an uncomfortable thing, and god knows I don't believe he could possibly think much of her or his wife if he's been doing this for so long and never once manned up and been honest or seriously considered ending his marriage.  But it's her life and we don't talk much anymore anyway, so I've never felt like it was my job or my place to be her therapist RE: holy shit what the fuck is wrong with you why do you do this to yourself and how could you do this to someone else?

Like full disclosure she started ‘seeing’ that english teacher when we were sort of puppy love internet-together (another long story but she wanted to or at least said she did and I sorta went along with it cos I didn't want to hurt her feelings...which of course, then it certainly seemed v. much like she didn't have many of, considering within a week she was having it off w/ someone else...again, this was a detached ‘Oh’ kind of moment, not really connected to any real hurt as she had instigated this and I hadn't really felt anything myself...it was upsetting in a sort of, ‘so this is what people do when they tell you they love you, that is disappointing but I guess life is not fiction’ kind of way but not in a ‘how could you, I love you’ kind of way.  As a first/only experience it could have gone better tbh, but it certainly gave me the right level of expectation afa being used & discarded when someone more convenient came along).

It's possible that most of the people I have ever known have just been fundamentally really bad at relationships and so I just sort of assume this is a normal thing; my father is an abusive shitbag and we're inescapably trapped with him, grandpa was a sort of...disinterested stick in the mud with a frightening temper for whom my grandmother gave up all her interests in sports and the outdoors because he did not share them.  Wabs never married, Tosh told me like she was expecting a pat on the back and a medal that she'd been faithful to her husband as he died of cancer 'even though she  ‘didn't have to be.’  And my instinctive reaction wasn't GOOD FOR YOU so much as it was “....what?!” but again...I didn't speak, because what the fuck do I know?  Maybe ppl run off and start seeing other ppl as soon as their partners get so much as a headcold all the time.

Ppl just sorta get abused and trampled and left and cheated on and discarded, or they do the same to others, and it just looks like a hell of a mess I'm well out of, tbh.  Which I guess is another reason...unless somebody's getting beat or otherwise abused, I feel like it's none of my business.  So honestly, “Tana slept around when he was single and one day some chick he canoodled with for like two months stabbed him for it” is filed under “Yeah that'll happen, thank god he didn't die” rather than “Hahahahaha karma amiright he totes deserved it, domestic abuse and attempted murder are hilarious when they’re directed at men who’re full of themselves!”

Nobody needs to tell me to have low fuckin' expectations for men, ok, I live under the boot of one of their idiot kings.  Tell me Tana fatshames his family for eating, tell me he gaslights them or acts like when they’re hurt or injured they’re making it up to personally inconvenience him, tell me they have to rigidly control their emotions around him to avoid setting off his violent temper, and ok.  Tell me he's a bigot, tell me he hits his family, tell me he hates women, tell me he's a rapist, ok.  But like...’he had a lot of sex and probably hurt people's feelings’ is not really high on my list of cardinal offenses b/c as far as I can tell, that's fucking everyone.  It isn't like he still does, it isn't like he's not tried to put it behind him and grow from it and be better.  It's practically his motto.   Why is ‘I acted in a shitty way but I'm trying to atone and I still look back and feel guilty about it’ only an admirable, affirming  thing to aspire to when it's a tumblr post & not when a guy is straight up saying it?  Which he has, on multiple occasions.  Can't change the past, can only try to learn from it.

At.  Least.  He.  Fucking.  Tries.

When has redneck george ever walked back his comments about gay ppl or his Islamophobia, when has Lesnar?  Beyond a token apology and chasing it w/ a dozen I'M NOT A RACIST THO interviews when has Hogan really acknowledged the depths of how he fucked up?  When did Warrior apologize for his vile bigotry, where's Elgin sincerely regretting being a fucking piece of shit dragging a rape victim's name through the mud?  Jericho's response to ‘hey maybe you shouldn't be advertising your cruise by saying there will be loads of bikini-clad women there available for you to ogle’ was essentially ‘are you triggered, bro, y so srys?’ and at no point did he objections seriously.  Orton never so much as thinks for two seconds before condemning BLM protesters or footballers who take the knee, AND he voted for Trump, but other than hollowly chanting that he's not a racist while blatantly doing things that are racist, silence.  Honma beat his girlfriend, Snuka murdered his partner, Austin smacked Debra around, Angle got stoned out of his mind and broke into his ex's apartment, X-Pac hit Chyna, exactly how often do they refer back to what happened, when did they apologize or express regret or even acknowledge any of it?  I mean I guess Benoit can't, what with the fucking suicide after he bashed in Nancy's skull and murdered his son.

Ppl have different things they can tolerate and forgive, is I guess my point, or at least one of them.  Which is fine!  I mean...I'd sure fucking side-eye anybody who writes any of the above a pass, but, I guess everybody's stories and reasons are different.

I like Tana.  I'm a fan of his.  Ok?  Like it probably sounds like I think he's a flawless angel crowned with light b/c compared to my fucking father, he IS.  It doesn't mean I'm being willfully blind to mistakes he's made or that I'm absolving him of every sin he's ever committed.  I think he's a good person and it's heartening and encouraging that he's in the world and if saying so without adding 18 asterisks about past behaviour and an disclaimer acknowledging all men as shit and all people as inherently flawed makes me a gullible childish ~fangirl~ than ok, I guess I am.  Everybody knows my tags for wrestling/wrestlers, which are there as much as a courtesy to anybody who needs to blacklist as they are a filing system for me (that’s why there’s a catch-all!  For ppl I haven’t thought up tags for yet or don’t intend to!), and tumblr savior is right there if me being silly about my favs in my own space bothers everybody so fucking much, god knows it wouldn't be the first time I set somebody cringing and they had to tune me out before they quietly dropped my ass like a particularly stupid puppy on a country road.  That I am a sloppy fawning emotional mess of untreated neurosis who hyperfixates on things & people who make me feel halfway hopeful for entire minutes at a time & gets stupidly overexcited about stuff isn't new information to me, so if you can't deal with that then... Well...sorry, honestly.  Like sincerely.  I know how I am and I try not to be but I can't help it sometimes when I like something.  Don't feel bad about leaving if you don't want to deal with it, cos I get it, honestly.  Have exactly zero (0) guilt feelings about it.  I’m a fundamentally repulsive creature, ppl have hard limits on how long they can put up with me, and so it has always been, and so it goes.