#i can’t imagine just knowing this dan and not having the privilege of knowing phil’s dan | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

allthephils · 7 years ago

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Word count: 3040 Rated: M (adult themes, sexuality, sleeping beauty au)

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Chapter 7

Of, course Phil was far more prepared this time. Yesterday had been such a shock but now he had some understanding of Dan’s condition, and he had a purpose. He was here to remind Dan what was good about being alive, to wake up the parts of his brain that kept him from slipping away. He sat down on the chair and looked down at this face he had once thought was perfect. It was so still, so peaceful, not a trace of Dan’s insecurity or guilt. For a while, Phil just looked at Dan, thankful that he had no limits on his time today. His hair was so curly. Dan would definitely be mad that they had gone to the trouble of putting him in his totally invalid military uniform but didn’t straighten his hair. Phil ran his eyes over Dan’s features, his long eyelashes, his beautiful nose, his freckled cheek where he’d get a rosy blush when he was shy or excited or drunk. His eyes settled on Dan’s lips and the memories rushed in, knocking the air out of him.

He saw no reason to fight the tears so they tumbled down his cheeks and he sobbed quietly until he was able to catch his breath. Phil wasn’t sure if the tears were for longing or fear or pain, but he felt certain that he had to be fully open here, so Dan could feel it, could feel him.

“Hey Dan. I’m back.” He smiled, he was nervous, despite the captive audience. “Sorry for the outburst. This has been an emotional day. I met your family. They seem great, they love you so much. Your mum gave me a hug! And Adrian, well, he’s scared, so, maybe give him some extra attention when you get back, ok?”

Phil was craning his neck at a tortuous angle so he got up and moved the chair so he was facing Dan instead of lined up alongside him.

“There you are. That’s better. I miss you, Dan. When this is all over, we aren’t losing touch again. We are going to hang out like proper friends. You owe me that much, what with me being your destiny and all.” he laughed out loud. He knew there was a guard behind him at the door but he chose to pretend that he was alone with Dan, deciding he was done worrying about what anyone else thought.

“I did some reading about coma patients, if that’s what this even is. I guess it’s supposed to help if I talk to you. I guess I could tell you some stories. We are gonna be here a while so get comfortable.” Phil chuckled again at his own joke. “Looking at you like this, it’s our stories that come to mind so I guess I’ll go with those. I’d say let’s start at the beginning but I barely remember our first date. It seems somebody corrupted me with alcohol that night.” His hands had been clutched in his lap and he shook them out in an attempt to relax. He reached forward tentatively and placed a hand on the bed near Dan, his pinky just touching Dan’s upper arm.

“So let’s start with the night I fell in love with you. You didn’t know it was the night I fell in love with you because I didn’t even know yet. But it was, and I remember it like it was yesterday.”

The pizza was delivered just after Dan arrived. Phil made Dan wait in the lounge while he served them slices on real plates, made Ribena in wine glasses, and lit candles in the center of the table. This felt like a real date, just he and Dan, here in Phil’s flat. He was giddy with excitement as he went out to tell Dan to come in. Dan stood, hands in his pockets, looking beautiful and nervous.

“Dan, you’re not even ready.” Phil stopped. Just behind Dan, on the sofa, loomed a rather imposing figure. It was Dennis. “Oh. Hi Dennis.” Dennis gave Phil a rather laddish nod. “I wasn’t aware you were here. I’ll get you a slice.”

“He was parking.” Dan gave Phil an apologetic look. “He’s not really supposed to leave me alone with people unknown to my family. He’ll stay out of the way though. Isn’t that right, Dennis?”

Dennis had leaned back and pulled out his IPad, he certainly made himself at home.

“Already ate.” He said in Phil’s general direction. Dennis was a man of few words.

Phil led Dan to the table and watched his face light up, his dimples sinking deeply as he grinned. “Phil! This is mental. I thought we’d be sitting on the floor and eating out of the box.”

“Well, I wanted it to feel special. I have a surprise for after too, so save some room.”

They sat at the corner of the table so they were facing each other but also next to each other. Phil’s long legs brushed up against Dan’s and he bit his lip. He was having a hard time knowing where to look. Those dimples had a tendency to render him speechless so he moved his eyes from Dan’s hair to Dan’s eyes to Dan’s hands to Dan’s neck. God damn. Phil exhaled quickly and took a sip of Ribena. His hand was shaking as he set his glass down.

“You ok there, mate?” Dan mocked as he watched Phil struggle.

“I’m a little nervous.”

Dan giggled quietly, “I am too. I’ve been freaking out all day.”

“Really?” Phil was so relieved, though Dan didn’t look nervous, he looked cool. Phil stared down into his pizza. “It would really help me out if you could be like 20% less pretty.”

Dan reached out and put his hand to Phil’s cheek, coaxing him to look up. “I could say the same thing. Your eyes really are too much. You could go swimming in those eyes.”

Phil felt his soul leave his body for a moment. The things this boy says. Dan pulled his hand back and cleared his throat. “I’m really sorry about Dennis. I tried to get him to stay in the car but he wasn’t having it.”

“It’s ok. If that’s how it has to be to have you here, it’s ok with me. Does he know this is a date? This is a date, right?” Phil ate his pizza far more slowly that he ever would alone.

“Yes, you dink, this is a date. And you are never allowed to ask that again. Just assume that if you are with me, it’s a date. Ok?” He bumped his thigh into Phil’s knee. “And officially, no, he doesn’t know this is a date. I’m not technically out to my family or the public, but... Dennis spends a lot of time with me. He just has a very selective memory, for which I am grateful.”

Phil nodded. “So what amazing things did you do this week? I wanna hear about your gap year stuff.”

“Oh you know, I just go wherever they send me. I did get to go to a women’s shelter yesterday which was so heartbreaking but really cool.” Dan pepped up a bit. “We brought books for the kids and I read to them. I got to hear some of the mothers’ stories. These women are so strong, Phil, what they’ve been through, and their kids. We talked about what sort of things could actually help them, what policies could help empower them and you know, give them some options when they have to leave a violent situation.”

Phil listened in awe. “Dan, that’s incredible. I didn’t know you were doing work like that.”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I loved it, but I don’t actually have any influence on policy at all.” His voice was terse. “All these things I do feel like photo opportunities. I’m trying to make the best of it.”

“Oh.” Maybe he shouldn’t have brought it up but Phil loved hearing Dan talk like this, about things that he was passionate about. “I’m sorry, Dan. I can only imagine how that is but god, I make stupid videos all day. I think it’s so cool that you are doing something meaningful with your life. I love that you chose to stay in London for your gap year.”

Dan huffed a breath, “Your videos aren’t stupid. They’re silly, but so what? They make people happy, and they’re yours. You built your life for yourself, on your own hard work and creativity. That’s incredible, Phil.” Dan paused for a moment, he scratched his neck, clearly uncomfortable. “I didn’t want to stay in London, you know.”

“You didn’t?”

Dan shook his head. “I wanted to go to Haiti or somewhere in Africa. After school music lessons are great but I wanted my foundation to help rescue victims of sex trafficking. I know this work is good but I could be doing so much more with all this goddamn privilege. It’s embarrassing.”

“So why aren’t you doing what you want?” Phil felt stupid asking but he really didn’t understand.

“Well, to put it simply, my family doesn’t trust me. I can’t really blame them. I didn’t exactly behave in school. They had to do a lot of damage control and they aren’t really keen on me being out of arm’s reach. Plus, sex trafficking is just a little too indelicate a cause. They know I won’t keep it genteel if I’m working on something I really care about. It’s not about the work or my learning or growth or whatever. It’s about image and keeping me in line.”

“Wow, I had no idea.” Phil stood and started to clear the dishes.

“Ugh, I’m such a downer. Can we talk about something else?”

“Actually, I’ve got the perfect thing to lift your spirits.” Phil walked to the counter and opened the boxes. He carefully placed each cake on it’s own plate and grabbed two forks. “Cover your eyes.”

“Excuse me? What’s this kinky shit?”

“Just do it.” Phil laughed, grateful for the change of mood.

“Geez, demanding. I like it.” Dan put his hands over his eyes just in time to miss the blush that washed over Phil.

Phil put the cakes on the table and cleared the pizza box. He sat down. “Ok, open your eyes.”

“What the wha? Phil Lester, you have outdone yourself!” They tinked their forks together and dug in. The cakes were chocolate and cherry in layers, filled with thick whipped cream. They were decadent and sexy, if a cake can be sexy. They ate, moaning at the flavors, giggling together at their reactions. After a few bites, Dan fed Phil a bit of his and Phil returned the favor. They weren’t talking but their eyes were fixed on each other. Dan watched Phil’s mouth as he took a bite, Phil watched Dan’s fingers as he swiped a fallen bit of cream off his plate. They were completely enraptured with each other. It felt so intimate, too hot for the kitchen table on a second date. Phil hadn’t even kissed this boy but the want he felt was threatening to move him toward some very rash decisions. He remembered what Dan had said about not skipping any steps.

“Dan.”

“Mmmhmm?” Dan had just taken a mouthful and was slowly pulling the fork through his lips. Phil watched and it physically hurt him to say what he said next. “Maybe we better go into the lounge, I think we need supervision... before I cause a national incident.”

Dan laughed and nodded. He helped Phil clear off the table and take the plates to the sink. In the lounge, Dennis took up more than his share of the sofa, but they sat down anyway. The close proximity had them giggling and talking in low voices about how full they were and whether to watch a film or play MarioKart. Dennis glared at them, apparently not feeling the love.

“Oi, Dennis,” Dan said, “there are some very comfortable chairs in the kitchen you know.”

“I’ve got another lounge too, my gaming room, if you’d be more comfortable there.” Phil added nervously.

Dennis raised an eyebrow. “Kitchen’s fine.” He hoisted himself off the couch.

Phil breathed a sigh of relief. They were alone again, sort of. With their food comas setting in, they both thought a film would be more their speed right now. Phil sent Dan to the shelf to choose a DVD.

“Hmm, good collection, this is gonna be tough. Ooh! Is it ok if it’s not exactly a film?” He grabbed a box and hid it in front of him until the dvd was in. He sat back on the sofa, not at all taking advantage of the space made by Dennis’ departure.

The minute the voice of the narrator came through, Phil knew it was Buffy and he joined in in his best low, spooky voice.

“In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the slayer.”

Dan watched with a smirk, “You’re lucky I think nerds are sexy.”

Phil just smiled, tongue between his teeth. He had no shame when it came to Buffy and it made him feel loose and brave. He slung an arm around Dan who snuggled in and rested his head just below Phil’s shoulder. Phil’s heart beat like a drum but Dan didn’t mention it. He felt the same. They chatted through 3 episodes, Phil pointing out favorite moments and easter eggs. Eventually they weren’t talking about Buffy at all but about what cartoons they watched as kids, their favorite horror movies, and what books they had on their lists to read. Phil had wondered if the easy conversation at the party had been largely due to the social lubrication of very alcoholic punch. Now he knew that wasn’t the case. It just flowed for them and even the silences felt comfortable. Phil felt Dan’s head move up and down with his own breathing and found himself angling his head so Dan’s hair brushed his cheek.

As the third episode wrapped up, they watched, quiet, out of light topics to joke about. Dan tilted his face toward Phil’s. “I have an early day tomorrow, I should go soon.”

Phil stuck out his bottom lip, leaning back to look Dan in the eye. He looked toward the kitchen, they hadn’t heard a peep from Dennis for hours. Phil let it sink in that Dan was in his arms, practically laying on him, he had kicked off his shoes and his feet were now folded up beside him on the sofa. Phil really didn’t want this to end but if it had to, there was one more thing he wanted to do tonight. He shifted his weight so that Dan would sit up. Dan got the message and angled himself toward Phil, tucking one foot under himself. “Oh, ok, so I guess I’ll text you tomorrow.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I had a really amazing time, Phil.”

Phil looked into those chocolate eyes and dug deep for courage. He bit his lip, then spoke in a whisper, hoping Dennis wouldn’t hear.

“Dan, may I kiss you?”

Dan swallowed and nodded, looking right into Phil’s eyes. He licked his lips and smiled. It was a small, fleeting smile but it revealed a dimple and made Phil feel both soft and incredibly strong. Phil pulled himself up and moved close to Dan, pausing just centimeters from his lips. He looked down at those lovely lips and then back into eyes locked to his own. Phil slipped his hand gently behind Dan’s head and pulled him in. Their mouths pressed softly together for a long, sweet moment. Phil pulled just a fraction away and parted his lips slightly so that Dan’s top lip would fit perfectly in the space he’d made. He ran his tongue along the line of Dan’s mouth and felt Dan open and melt into him. Their tongues were slow and lazy, unwilling to rush this, pushing into each other in this small, intimate way. Dan had one hand on Phil’s thigh and the other gripped Phil’s shirt behind his back. With every passing moment, Dan leaned further into Phil until he was fully reclined against the sofa back and Dan’s weight was on his chest. The tables had turned and Phil let himself be kissed, soft and wet and slow. Dan paused to breath and Phil placed his hand on his chest and gently held him away. Their chests heaved and the look in Dan’s eyes made Phil feel vulnerable and hungry.

“Dan, we should…”

Dan smiled so wide and genuine Phil’s heart skipped a beat. “Yeah, yeah, we should stop. Sorry.”

Phil beamed, his heart swelled and every bone in his body wanted Dan to stay. He closed his eyes, promising himself he wouldn’t forget this moment, not one detail. He knew that this was the kiss he’d tell his grandkids about. It was all silly romance but he didn’t care, he knew it in his gut, this was the man he’d spend his life with. When he opened his eyes, Dan had his shoes on and was reaching for his jacket. They both stood and without being called, Dennis appeared. They all made their way to the door where Dan gave Dennis his best pleading, puppy dog face. Dennis rolled his eyes. “I’ll fetch the car, stay inside the door.”

They only had a few minutes so Phil closed in, pressing Dan to the wall and kissing him with every bit of passion he was feeling in his body. It was short and hot, everything their first kiss hadn’t been. They pulled apart and Dan reached up to push Phil’s disheveled fringe aside.

“I’ll see you soon, Phil.”

Phil wanted to say that this had been the best night of his life, he wanted to say that Dan was the best person in the world. Instead he said, “Soon.”

They heard a car pull up on the other side of the door. “Good night, Dan.”

#Phan #Phanfic #Phanfiction #sleeping beauty au #wip

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sapienveneficus · 7 years ago

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When Everything's a 10: A Lesson in Effective Activism

So, I'm doing it. I normally try to avoid fandom drama because tumblr is my happy place. However, I can't sit by and see post after post of nonsense without speaking up. So, here goes nothing; let's dive into the Felix/Dan and Phil birthday party catastrophe.

A comedian I enjoy has a theory about activism that I think is spot on. He calls it “when everything's a 10″, and it goes something like this: if people react to every situation with the same extreme intensity, that reaction will diminish the power of their words and ultimately hurt their ability to further their cause, whatever that cause may be.

The recent presidential election here in the US is a good example of this phenomenon. In the months leading up to the election, political activists pinned just about every negative label there is on, then candidate, Donald Trump. He was a sexist, a misogynist, a homophobe, a transphobe, an ableist, a racist, and just about every other “ist” there is out there. And yet, those powerful words, those negative labels, weren't enough to cost him the election. Why weren't the millions of Americans who ultimately voted for him swayed by those words? Well, because over the years, those words had all but lost their power due to overuse.

I imagine this was the basic thought process of most moderate voters who ended up voting for Trump. “Okay, so everyone's saying Trump's this racist, sexist, bigoted homophobe, basically Hitler incarnate. Wait a sec, I thought Mitt Romney was a racist, sexist, bigoted homophobe. And before him, John McCain,and before him, President Bush. So, maybe Trump's not so bad after all.” And there lies the problem. Wherever you stand politically (right, left, center, off the spectrum entirely) I think everyone could agree that the four most recent Republic nominees for president (listed above) are by no means identical. Not in terms of careers, platforms, stated values, policies, or actions. And yet, the same rhetoric has been hurled at each of them in turn. Activists, no doubt well-meaning people, tend to be prone to outrage. In attempting to call out problems, they often fail to properly classify or prioritize the problems. Instead, they've make everything a 10.

Slavery? 10; Jim Crow Laws? 10; Black face? 10; White rappers? 10; Algebra and Geometry? 10 Little girls wanting to dress up like Moana for Halloween? 10 (those last two are recent real-life examples, btw).

How are reasonable people meant to tackle real issues head on when everything's a 10? More importantly, how is any group going to be taken seriously by the general public when they're outraged over literally anything and everything? Short answer, they're not. Worse yet, when real 10s come along these groups, that have for so long been outraged over nothing, won't be heard or heeded.

Okay, enough politics, let's talk about Dan and Phil. Because this phenomenon is not limited to the real world. If anything, I'd say it's even more of an issue for online communities like tumblr. The buzz these past few days has been that Dan and Phil have done something horribly problematic. They've crossed a line and need to be called out. They need to be taken to task for their problematic actions. These are the sorts of phrases I've seen peppered about when scrolling through the phan tag.

I'd like to propose that we take a step back from all the drama and try to look at the situation logically for a moment. What, precisely, did Dan and Phil do that was so terrible? Well, they went to a friend's birthday party. “But wait,” you might be saying to yourself, “they didn't just go to any old birthday party. No, they went to a party celebrating the birth of PewDiePie's girlfriend. And PewDiePie (or Felix), as you well know, is horribly problematic. He's used an actual racial slur in one of his videos! By attending that party, Dan and Phil were supporting everything Felix has ever done. They're supporting it with their silence, and they need to be called out for their complacency and problematic behavior!”

Okay, but do you hear yourself right now? Dan and Phil went to a birthday party that, yes, Felix also attended. And? And nothing. They were there to celebrate a friend's birthday. Let's put aside the fact that Dan shared, on last week's liveshow, that he planned to have a conversation with Felix about some of the things that have happened recently. Because it would be ridiculous to argue against such a plan. Let's instead look at what the outraged group wanted out of this situation and how that desire ultimately helps or hinders their cause. People who were upset by their attendance at this party seemed to want Dan and Phil to publicly disavow Felix and never be in the same room with him again. EVER. What, exactly, does that level of virtual signaling accomplish? Does it further the cause of anit-racism? No. All it does is make their outraged fans feel better about being fans of Dan and Phil. That is until Dan and Phil take a trip to a foreign country and appreciate its culture (those privileged bastards).

Let's think for a second about the actual problem and possible solutions. The problem is racism. Something that I believe all reasonable people can agree is wrong. So, when people do something racist, say use a racial slur in a video, what's the best way to right that wrong? Have every YouTuber publicly disavow that person and avoid all social gatherings that person may attend for the rest of their natural lives, or have a friend sit that person down and have an earnest conversation with them? Which action would yield the greater outcome? (hint: it's the latter)

Now, I'm not saying that people who feel outraged shouldn't express how they feel. These online platforms were created for free, self-expression. And we certainly can't be expected to spend all of our time on these sites reading fanfic or reblogging aesthetic autumnal collages. What I am suggesting is that people in this outraged camp try to take a step back and ask themselves two questions.

1. Is my outrage appropriately matched to the offense in question? (Remember, not everything's a 10)

2. Will calling this out ultimately help or hinder my cause?

There, now that that's out of the way, who wants to see a cute cat gif? (because I know I do)

#phan #birthday #danisnotonfire #amazingphil #felix #pewdiepie

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cafephan · 8 years ago

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dan vs phil - dumb ways to die: a summary

i squealed when i saw they did this game like it was my life at one point "DanandPhilGames beans" // "i thought you were going to say dummies" // "i wouldn't be mean to them!" // "DUMBARSES" "you're our tiny beans that need to be protected" phil your biffle is trying to impress you with a full-out performance here just humour him pls dan gives up just as phil looks at him wow savage "that song has been stuck in my head for like a billion years" relatable as ever howell "we've never done it" who needs context "it's quick and impossible to bant over" i'm sure you'll give it a good go anyway "this should be a trainwreck from start to finish" this is their new branding, it fits well don't you think "i didn't know it was dangerous to put a fork in the toaster, like, i didn't know, so my mum just walked in on me going 'i'm just going to get my toast out' she was like what are you doing" see this is why i use a knife to get my toast out of the toaster i shouldn't be allowed near appliances should i "who's your daddy is an educational game" // "it is!" listen lads we all know you ain't talking about the game you played a while back we all know your interpretation "we've got to protect these beans from death" everyone reading every hunger games/apocalyptic au ever "that's getting worse every time" dan cuts phil off how rude before the action starts i want to give honourable mention to phil's fashion sense that high neck shirt is doing a lot for him and a black shirt at that is just helping everything no wonder dan is going out of his way not to look anyway on with the non-bants "who's going to go first?" // "you." // "me? but then you can learn the secrets" // "i know" why is this entire exchange literally the most domestic thing i've ever seen they're gross dan makes eye contact with the camera whilst doing that ever so suggestive hand movement like stop looking at me i don't want to be exposed to that dan just scissored phil on camera can you believe 2017 phan "i swear you're psychic" // "yep" *raises eyebrows* someone make phil singing alien into an audio post please and thank you i want it as my alarm tone "have we cracked this ipad?" // "what the-" *both dramatic gasp* // *we've cracked our ipad..." apple are 110% gonna send them a new one by next week i guarantee "that's my ipad... did you just say our ipad?" // "i said this ipad" // *that weird voice he does sometimes* "that is my personal ipad" // "you definitely dropped it" // "probably" it was definitely phil aka mister biter of controllers and spiller of ribena onto other controllers also dan going out of his way to say they have separate possessions like... you'd give the clothes off of your back if phil ran out of toilet paper don't make out you don't share legit everything "just don't touch my body." *dan looks momentarily gloomy* "you can talk but i don't want you to wobble it" phil lester, ever the professional king of words king of adjectives wobble in an attempt to make his dejection funny dan starts to sing which just amplifies it "fed the snek" two games in and dan is already subtly accusing him of cheating the amount of times phil's let you win on this channel,,, shut up man okay phil is atrocious though "okay i'm focusing. no banting." dan sarcastically claps phil's failure honestly same like pal you were awful i love you but you sucked at least on that round "best of three!" phil begs as dan takes the ipad without acknowledging what he said "let's see what happens with dan" me in every fic ever "okay this could be the shortest dan vs phil video ever" "yours are so much easier than mine!" they really aren't philly bobs... they really aren't "straight into the ambulance, check out that accuracy" *licks his lips* okay who's keeping the list of dans kinks because we've found another one "i'm a fast tapper" "get off the wiener!" again who needs context "shaking his private parts around" the stitchy stitch song is strangely catchy "like... you've already won" // "i'm a surgeon... i'm just amazing" someone try and find a dan vs phil video on this channel where dan doesn't call himself amazing does one even exist "we'll discuss this after, see how incredible i am" i think we got an insight into 2**9 just now i'm not sorry i thought he said mexican instead of hexagon i must have his tweet on the brain "frick you, you mother fricker" "connect the fucking wires you dildo" he just went from family friendly to full on dan in the space of ten seconds such a wholesome influence in so many people's lives phil looks silently pissed *phil puts his hand in front of dan's eyes* "nope. screw you." // *phil giggles and does it again* "i didn't touch you!" "you're getting extra practice from watching me do this, i think i'm setting the highest score of all time right now" phil's face lit up when dan failed the man has no shame and i love it "that looked painful..." // "right in the nads" "fuck that train one" honestly i bet he would of given the chance "right, i'm just going to say..." *dan sighs and says his score in what i can only presume is a breathy post-org*sm voice jumpcut what was phil just going to say though #letphilspeak2k17 "so i have an idea, phil. and it's not just letting you have another go, because you had your go" // "i had my go" he still looks pissed // "we're gonna do all or nothing" // "I DIDN'T SUGGEST IT, DAN SUGGESTED IT" *dan looks over fondly* // "we're going to take it in turns every level" // "sudden death?" // "and the first person to die once, never mind the three strikes, loses." shiiiit guys it's all going down here on a thursday evening are you holding on to the edge of your seat "and no holding the ipad. i'm going first." phil just lets dan have his way all the time doesn't he what a prince "what do you mean no holding the ipad?" phil honey it's self explanatory // "as in you have to give it to the other person when the level's over" dan looks off camera and tries not to laugh but fails "are you scared??" bring the fighting talk philly bring it the preparation editing and bird sounds just makes me focus on dan's crusty ass lips like for the love of all that's holy you can get a chopstick for like under a pound "this is a very edutational game" // "edutational?" PHIL THE SAVAGE RETURNS YES WELCOME BACK MY LOVE dan carries on what he's saying without bringing attention to phil's drag "hold up the ipad though, i need to be able to get it. that's a thing." "i don't know what the story of the moose and the man was there..." phil why do you suck so much at this game i had faith in you dan the ever subtle gloater "oh my contact lens has fallen out i got so excited" dans hysterical laugh returns yes my other love as deafening as you are it's a treat for the ears "let me see!" protective bf mode activated "hold your top eyelid and look down... i think it's just come down... yes it's peeling off and it's like going backwards into your brain" okay i take back what i said before, THIS is the most domestic thing i've ever seen "you need to go to the bathroom and you need to take it off right now" protective bf dan gets stricter *phil leaves the room, thank you for that beautiful leg shot* dan's little rant about contact lenses we get it you like phil's glasses so do we but he never listens to us please convince him to wear them more "imagine waking up and not being able to see until you put glasses on... i can't relate to that, my able-sighted privilege... it's checked, and because i don't have to worry about my contact lenses drifting backwards into my brain, um, i feel quite lucky." what the fuck just happened "build a bean... aw it kind of looks like me already! that's fun! i mean, i'm kind of orange, let's go there... i'm really tall, that's a skinny one... what hair do we have?? ah we don't have any coins... i mean i have eyebrows so i don't know about you... the smile, there we go... some sick shades, i mean that's not me is it... what is the skull there?? oooh, ah that's how he dies. well there we go, that is the- the dan bean." i feel like we just went on a journey there, that was more intimate than when they created dil and customised tweety "hi. i had to take out my contact lenses, something went horrifically wrong..." HELLO GLASSES PHIL MY LONG TIME LOVE also watch dans gaze as he watches phil sit down i am convinced love is real and it resides in that flat "what just happened?" // "basically my contact lens turned itself inside out within my eye. i don't know how that happened, i think it was the stress of this game. and tilting beans. and not dying." // "dumb ways to die?? playing this app and then getting your contact lens flipped inside your eyelid and going into your brain and murdering you." *phil points to himself flamboyantly* "that is a dumb way to die!" *dan gestures to phil in a way not entirely dissimilar to will smith does on that red carpet picture you know the one* phil please pay him some attention he can't make it anymore obvious "he's wearing glasses!" yes dan, yes he is, everyone is happy, everyone has a reason to live "why will you not get laser eye surgery" i'm sure dan would pay for it himself like phil wouldn't have to spend a penny *the award sticker ceremony* "here is my flaming bean" i said the same thing when the picture of dan with the black nail polish came out "majestic!" dan howell user of fine adjectives i approve "phil, i'm just saying, mine goes from top to bottom, and it's staring to fill horizontally..." // *phil starts speaking at the same time making this incredibly hard to quote ffs* "you're just stretching it out! you're just stretching it out." i said this last time but PLEASE TAKE IT IN TURNS AND LET EACH OTHER SPEAK they actually forgot to put the dvp switch sticker on the board... okay potential rematch?? "give us a tickle on the like button" // *phil overlaps him again i stg he's doing it to stress me out* "give us a little like, subscribe if you're still alive..." "don't do any of the things that happened in this video including wearing contact lenses apparently." beanisonfire AFlattenedPhil (the closest he'll ever be to being flat stanley)

#this video was fucking wild and so domestic #there wasn't much staring but it was still domestic #how do they do it

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furederiko · 8 years ago

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I've sort of lost track of holidays and festives since the year began, but today's Good Friday!!! Meaning it's a good friday to post a Random News Digest as well... Ahahahaha!

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

The quest for young Albus Dumbledore has come to a close. Warner Bros has entrusted the iconic role to... none other than Jude Law. Which shouldn't come as a surprise, considering the Brit actor's long history with the studio, from the "Sherlock Holmes" series to the upcoming "King Arthur: Legend of the Sword". Personally, I still think Rafe Spall would make a better Albus, but perhaps the movie needs more of Law's... star power considering the first "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" wasn't exactly the big "Harry Potter" hit that WB expected. Beside, Law also suits the "younger man and quite a troubled man" criteria better than Spall.

The down side of this casting, is the general assumption that the sequels will put more focus on the bromancing frenemy between his Dumbledore and Johnny Depp's Gellert Grindelwald. It has been hinted that the two characters have shared a rather 'close' relationship in the past, perhaps even something that was somewhat romantically inclined. Okay, let me correct that. J.K. Rowling has said it herself that "Dumbledore fell in love with Grindelwald, and that added to his horror when Grindelwald showed himself to be what he was.", so it's more than just mere speculation. Thus, it IS going to be interesting to see how Law and Depp come to blow with one another, which is what many "Harry Potter" fans should be dying to see. Then why do I call it a 'down side'? Because at least for me, it's Eddie Redmayne's Newt Scamander...'s magical ZOO that was the prime highlight of the first movie. Those creatures, with the chemistry between Alison Sudol's Queenie and Dan Fogler's Jacob Kowalski coming hot in second place, are the part that I found to be delightful. These three characters, alongside Katherine Waterston's Tina, have all been confirmed to return, so one would easily wonder how these New Yorkers are going to fit in the story that takes place in Paris and Watford, England. Admittedly, Tina and even Newt himself, were pretty dull and boring for a lead. But it would feel like such a crime if they are put aside to the corner, as the spotlight is stolen by Law and Depp instead.

It is currently unclear whether the next movie will once again feature two separate storylines going in parallel with one another. But that's exactly what's currently generating the concern for some people. David Yates will be returning to helm the second movie, so let's just hope he'll find a way to make the sequel feel more... balanced and evenly focused. "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them 2", a tentative title for now because I'm not even sure if it will be accurate to the story anymore, is set to be released next year on November 16th, 2018. That's when we'll see whether this will turn out to be a magical Brokeback Mountain between Law and Depp, or another adventure of Newt & Co.

DC Films

Pray tell, why are we getting another poster for "The Justice League"? The popular notion is that WB is launching one as preparation for that last trailer debuting in theaters alongside "The Fate of the Furious". Yet when you look at the timing, somehow it just feels rather inappropriate. I mean, why not release it alongside those character posters and teasers last month? Can't remember? Those ones that oddly arrived on the same week to Spider-Man's posters and trailer. Sounds dejavu? Because Marvel Studios had just debuted the trailer and first poster for their upcoming Thor movie as well! You know, the one that will premiere just two weeks ahead of "The Justice League"!

Aaaah yes, THAT is the reason why calling this as coincidence is hokey at best. As if WB is trying to convince audience that... yes, despite the muted colors and the joyless forced humor, their grand ensemble movie is as colorful and fun. Now I can't help but wonder if this is a direct answer to that hillarious FANMADE video that's casually making fun of Ben Affleck's Bruce Wayne and Gal Gadot's Diana Prince... LOL. Anyway, my point is... hogging on another movie's spotlight is acceptable, since many studios have been doing this since the Hollywood's dinosaur age. But I do really wish WB would stop being so dickish, while at the same time, being utterly obvious about it. Stop positioning themselves as the angry envious rival, subtly but blatantly creating flame wars with Marvel, because it does them no good. Acting all offensive in a non-existent competition is the wrong thing to do, because it makes them look BAD instead!

"Wonder Woman" also made news because the movie is said to be tracking for a $83 million opening. Eventhough it is unfortunately lower than DC Films' previous two movies, it sure didn't stop fans from turning into bragging mode and stuff. After all, that's how the internet works, and sorry to say, precisely the way 'DC fans' tend to overreact with things both good and bad. Meanwhile, another outlandish rumor hit the internet, claiming that WB will release not one, not two, but FOUR Batman-related movies in the year 2019. Yeah, judging from the studio's track record on announcing DC projects, only to end up losing directors or getting back to first page rewrites... over and over again, that sounds too good to be true, right? Despite all that, just imagine the headlines and numerous thinkpieces immediately run by various entertainment, and fansites. Well, at least until WB's producer Jon Berg and DC Entertainment's President Geoff Johns themselves shot down this report in their own hillarious way. I don't know about you, but THAT is what I call FUN.

Last but not least, Dolph Lundgren has joined "Aquaman" to play merman(?) King Nereus of Xebel. Making him the third antagonist after Patrick Wilson's Orm, and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II's Black Manta. That's not counting the likelihood of Willem Dafoe's Dr. Vulko turning evil, of course. Director James Wan has confirmed this casting himself, and Lundgren will likely join production when it begins on May in Hawaii. Although having the former Punisher sounds good, once again, this casting felt a little toooo obvious to be a coincidence. After all, we just got a hot rumor surrounding Sylvester Stallone's important role in the upcoming Guardians movie. And when you start remembering that Lundgren used to play as Stallone's rival/opponent in "Rocky IV" before teaming up in "The Expendables" series? Aaaaaah, it's another act of spite, right there! Oh WB, when will you ever learn...

Transformers

Have you seen the latest trailer for "Transformers: The Last Knight"? I certainly haven't, because I'm totally not looking forward to see this movie anytime soon. But I heard it was great, and well... probably the best one this movie has released so far. Honestly, after the lackluster tragedy that was "Transformers: Age of Extinction", I never would've thought that we're going to get a 5th movie of this winding-down franchise. And this is just the beginning of another array of sequels, because director Michael Bay himself has explicitly stated to MTV that... "There are fourteen stories written. And there’s good stuff. So, I would like to do one of them, though.". 14? SERIOUSLY?!! Dang it, for a guy who thought "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" was meant to be the last, this statement felt like an offensive mockery. Anyways, this 5th movie is set to arrive on June 23rd. I'm personally more curious about whether it will rake as much money as the previous one. Somehow I suspect it won't, but general audience seems to love this franchise... so, we'll see.

SONY Marvel Universe

SONY Pictures has found its Miles Morales! What for? That animated "Spider-Man" movie that is set to be released on December 21st, 2018. Yes, the same date that recently has been occupied by "Aquaman". The young actor privileged to lend his voice for the animated Miles is none other than Shameik Moore. Fans might argue that Morales is half black, half latino in the comics, whereas Moore is not. But this is an animated movie, which only requires his voice, so I don't think it should be a problem. The actor himself shot to fame following his debut in Rick Famuyiwa's "Dope", later starred in the Netflix drama "The Get Down", and will next be seen in "The Pretenders". Speaking of "Dope", who would've guessed that it was such a good movie, eh? I mean, most of its main cast has gotten big comic book roles now. Tony Revolori is soon to be seen as Flash in MCU's Spider-Man. Kiersey Clemons is Iris West in DC's who-knows-when Flash movie, a feature that was almost directed by Famuyiwa. Zoe Kravitz was in "X-Men: First Class". And now Moore. Should we expect anyone else from that movie?

Aside from Moore, another cast who has joined the movie is Liev Schreiber. Schreiber portrayed Sabretooth in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine", and is currently well known as the lead actor of "Ray Donovan". According to the same report, Schreiber will be voicing the movie's antagonist/supervillain, though his character is being kept a secret for now. If I didn't know better, I have a feeling that Schreiber is going to voice Otto Octavius, or more popularly known as Dock Ock. Unless he's being assigned to voice Kraven the Hunter, which might also work when you put into account his previous ferocious comic book role. Then again, just like Moore, only his voice will be utilized, so he can practically play anyone. LOL. Hollywood's favorite duo Phil Lord and Chris Miller are writing and producing this movie, while Bob Persichetti and Peter Ramsey will co-direct the movie. Considering this is an animated movie, shouldn't they start working from now? I mean, animation is unlike live action movie, because it needs to be done at least 2 years in advance to achieve the highest quality. Let's just hope that this movie will be able to stand against the rising tide of "Aquaman" when it arrives next year. Otherwise, this might spell trouble for SONY's ambitious universe.

X-Men Universe

In a very surprising (but seriously pleasant) announcement, "Deadpool 2" has discovered its future-mutant Cable. And my oh my, it's Mad Titan Thanos himself, Josh Brolin!!! Yes, scoring his second Marvel role, Brolin's Cable will be featured in not one, nor two, but FOUR future X-Men movies. Popular speculation says that his next movie will be "X-Force", if not "New Mutants" as well. He's joining Ryan Reynolds who is returning to produce and star as lead character Wade Wilson, as well as Zazie Beets who will portray Domino. Interestingly, Brolin has played a comic book character before, as the titular character in the critically and financially failed DC movie "Jonah Hex". Which means, he and Reynolds are fated kindred spirits from the get go! That's nothing but true fact, no matter how Reynolds openly 'complains' about it... LOL.

No offense to David Harbour, Brad Pitt, or Michael Shannon, but Brolin sounds too perfect for this role. Not just in terms of looks, but also in the actor's ability to play the straight-faced man with a penchant to infuse his character with various kinds of intensity. "Old Boy", and "Sicario" are great examples of this. Created by Rob Liefeld and writer Louise Simonson, Cable is the complete opposite personality to the obnoxious, oddball, and foul-mouthed Deadpool. He's a tough, no-nonsense mutant whose gruff attitude and mysterious aura didn't waste time to attract a great number of fans. He has also been paired with Deadpool ever since. Suffice to say, it's a character that is right up on Brolin's alley, with "Men in Black 3" as its easiest example. With this sequel expected to arrive in 2018, production for the David Leitch feature is set to have a June start in Vancouver. Brolin is currently filming his Thanos role with Marvel Studios in Atlanta, and might even have completed his motion-capture part already. So rest assured, scheduling issue is not even a thing. Interestingly, both movies will be released next year, which means, 2018 would be a truly Marvel-ous year for Brolin!

Marvel Studios

Have you seen the mindblowing first teaser of "Thor: Ragnarok"? The long awaited teaser was simply rock and roll AWESOME, wasn't it! Not only director Taika Waititi delivered a Thor Odinson's movie that already felt distinctly different to his previous solo features, he also imbued it with his signature quirky fun but gorgeous colorful style. It felt like this least-favored franchise of the Marvel Cinematic Universe has finally embraced its funky Asgardian glory and cosmic side, eh? As if that's not enough to please us, it has already scored an amazing achievement by being the most-watched trailer that both Disney and Marvel Studios ever released! Is this a good sign? Most definitely. In fact, this was such a splendid teaser, I'm actually hoping that Marvel Studios won't be releasing anything else after this. This one's more than enough to grab audience's attention.

The official poster that came afterwards, though? Perhaps it didn't quite leave a similar impression, but arguably still emitted a strong promise of colors and style. Especially with all those Rainbow-Bridge-tone illuminating the titular character. Just look all those gorgeous colors, right? Chris Hemsworth is looking cool with that new haircut, and of course, don't forget the absence of Thor's beloved Mjolnir. Seriously, this movie is going to be strangely fun but epic! November 3rd, 2017 can't come soon enough.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves too soon. "Ragnarok" is still 7 months away, and there's "Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2" and "Spider-Man: Homecoming" that we need to anticipate first! With all three releases of the year looking equally fun and colorful, it would be a mistake to skip any one of them, right? HUGE mistake. And we can expect the first screenings reactions from "Vol 2" pretty soon. Why? Director James Gunn, along with stars Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, and Dave Bautista have kicked off the sequel's worldwide promotional tour in Tokyo, Japan last week. Not surprising, because it is set to hit theatres in Australia, Southeast Asia, and other international countries theatres starting on April 25.

As for the North American region, if I'm not mistaken, some of the press members are going to be the first to see it, just a few days from now. I bet early social media reviews and responses will arrive pretty much the same day. That's also the same reason why it's going to get harder and harder to avoid spoilers spreading throughout the internet. Even interviews and press roundup have slowly reveal details about the movie, much earlier than we expected. For example, Kurt Russell has spoken to Total Film (via Flickering Myth) on whether we'll be seeing a "Tango and Cash" reunion in this movie between his Ego the Living Planet, and Sylvester Stallone's mysterious character. Nah... I won't spoil anything about it, just go ahead and read the article if you're up with a little spoiler.

For the time being, "Vol 2" is tracking for a $150 million domestic debut. This is considerably close to the opening of "Captain America: Civil War", and also a solid improvement to the $94,3 million debut of the first "Guardians of the Galaxy" back in 2014. It's hard to predict whether this opening estimation is on point or not, because even "Beauty and the Beast" have magnificently surpassed its initial tracking number (and has broken the $1 billion mark yesterday). There's always a chance that the same accomplishment will occur with "Vol 2", considering the franchise is now sitting on everyone's top 5 most favorite among the MCU. Not to mention, "Vol 2" is the first movie that will kick start the 2017 Summer Movie season in the US. I guess we'll have to wait and see, and hope the best for the sequel. Because if it's good, then I bet Gunn would not shy away from returning to create a "Vol 3".

As for "Homecoming", several rather spoilery details of the movie might have landed online as well. In this case, regarding the "Daily Bugle" existence in the MCU, several scene descriptions from an event held in Tokyo, the possible appearance of other Avengers beside Robert Downey Jr.'s Tony Stark, as well as actress Angourie Rice's true role in the movie. Hailing down from a Tom Holland's fanbase account on Twitter, these reports felt... a little hard to fully believe, because it could very well be a subjective assumption on their part. So do take them with a huge grain of salt.

Finally, remember that candid photos of Elizabeth Olsen filming an action scene for "Avengers: Infinity War" in Edinburgh? There's a video version of it now, and one that looks rather... dire and serious. This scene once again hinting that Olsen's Scarlet Witch and likely Paul Bettany's Vision will come into blow with a CGed henchmen, presumably the Black Order members. If you're curious, then go ahead and check it on Youtube. Assuming it hasn't been taken down, of course. Inline with the casting announcement from FOX, it seems Josh Brolin would have concluded his part as Thanos in May so that he can join the production for "Deadpool 2" in Vancouver. Which is probably why the "Infinity War" production will then proceed with his Black Order members instead.

Netflix

This might sound surprising, but it's the last category for today! Yes, because I have no topics for the game section. LOL.

It wasn't long ago that we heard Marvel's "The Defenders" has wrapped its production, to pave way for the second season of Marvel's "Jessica Jones". Looks like Marvel's "The Punisher" has followed suit as well with its completion. A Twitter fanbase account for lead actor Jon Bernthal, reported that the cast has thrown away a wrap party for the production that began on October 2016. Judging from this, it's safe to assume that the series will in fact arrive later this year instead of next year. It's a little suspicious though, that it wrapped just a few weeks after "The Defenders" eventhough they started at relatively the same time. Considering the mini series only has 8 episodes, does this mean "The Punisher" might be a more compact/shorter series than those previous four? I sure hope so, because forcing these serialized shows into a 13 episodes with materials enough for maybe 10 at most, certainly didn't work charm. Said sentiment has even become one of the loudest talked-about criticism thrown at them. Here's hoping Netflix will realize this issue and solve it accordingly, because seriously, watching Marvel's "Iron Fist" alone has already worn me out.

Meanwhile, Netflix is reminding its audience that the 2nd season of "Sense8" will arrive in May 5th, by launching an official trailer. Which is highly necessary, because even I have forgotten that I've written about this fact before! YIKES!!! The inability of Netflix to set a fixed annual release date is admittedly troublesome, as it tends to wore out its devoted audience due to uncertainty of when to expect any continuations. "Sense8" and "Voltron Legendary Defender", as well as their uncertain delays are good examples of this particular issue.

IMHO, "Sense8" is a show that would have benefitted from having its second season arriving as soon as possible, preferably in mere months apart (just like the Network side, perhaps?). The first season was undoubtedly slow if not poorly paced, and the story only got interesting and intense in the last two-to-three episodes. It undeniably felt like an extended intro for the real story, thus forcing viewers to wait too long (remember, first season was launched in 2015!) to see what's next (one that hopefully explores the REAL intrigue behind them), simply doesn't do any good. Sure, there was a "Sense8: Christmas Special" on December 23rd last year, but I doubt many even knew it existed nor have watched it. I sure haven't, because even I only remember about it just now, FOUR months later. LOL. And to be honest, although I'm probably among the few who DID enjoy the first season, I've realized I'm not that anxious to see the second. Why? I have forgotten whatever was happening in it, so seeing this new trailer only succeeded in making me scratch my head in confusion. That is NOT good...

Thankfully, Netflix's bingewatch functionality helps to counter this problem. After all, unlike movies that come and go, we can view any of their original shows anytime we want. So those who haven't seen the first, can plan their start later by watching both seasons all at once. Trust me, I believe that would be more effective for this series. So right now, I'm patiently waiting for the critics' reviews first before actually checking the second season. While at the same time, re-watching the first season one by one, which might be a challenge because sadly this show doesn't have a strong rewatchability. My only hope is, I won't end up forgetting about this plan in just a few weeks after release. LOL.

#Random-News-Digest #random thoughts #news #movie #fantastic beasts and where to find them #dc #justice league #transformers #spider-man #animation #deadpool #Marvel Studios #thor: ragnarok #Spider-Man: Homecoming #guardians of the galaxy vol. 2 #Avengers #infinity war #netflix #the punisher

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spacednp · 8 years ago

Text

Blink-182

AO3 WATTPAD

TW: blink-182 songs?

Summary: The one where I listened Blink-182 songs while writing (this is a judge free zone I just love them lmao)

Additional Notes: I created a playlist for this story consisting of some of my favorite Blink-182 songs that made me want to write and I sat down, pushed shuffle and laid out a story a little and then I came back to it and cried bc I deleted the freakin playlist so it only has like two songs in it now bc I forgot the story I laid out whoops

WC: 3.2k

The sky was littered with tiny bright stars, twinkling shamelessly in the black sky. It was nearing the end of winter and soon spring flowers would fill London, though at the moment the air still had a deep chill to it and it got dark at five. The street lamps glowed yellow, emitting barely enough light for Phil to see the numbers on the houses from where he was parked on the street. He hoped this was the right address.

Phil gripped onto the steering wheel of his run down car, not caring that his knuckles turned white from the pressure. He was nervous, to say the least. Honestly, he hadn't been able to eat all day. He didn't even know what to wear, not to mention the hours he'd spent doing his hair (which was still pretty stupid, since in the end all he did was straighten and brush it and it still looked just the same). Phil shot a glance in his mirror to check his hair. He grunted at the annoying piece of hair that refused to stay in place and pried his hands of the steering wheel to fix it.

It was ridiculous, how Phil was reacting. It was just a date. Well, in all fairness, it was a first date... with a really cute boy... no, he was being ridiculous. Even if Dan was was the prettiest boy Phil had even seen and if Phil was still shocked that he agreed to go out with him, it was just a date. A date that he would probably never get a redo of if he messed up. Oh God, what if he messed up? There was no way Dan would agree to a redo date. Phil was sure Dan wouldn't even agree to a second one, even if the date went great.

There wasn't much more time for Phil to worry as Dan walked out of his house that minute, cocooned in a soft looking black sweeter. He pulled his sleeves down slightly and looked around, still standing on his doorstep. Soft light poured from the now open door and Dan's breath clouded around him as he exhaled, a gentle white puff.

Phil took a deep breath and exited the car, waving to Dan. Phil couldn't see Dan's facial expressions in the dim lighting but he assumed Dan smiled as he trotted over to Phil and his run down car. This was it, this was really happening. In that moment Phil was picking Dan up on their very first date. He hoped there would be more and they'd have a nice time, but in that moment he honestly didn't know. Maybe they'd never talk after this, or maybe they'd talk of this at their wedding, maybe tell it to their future children. Phil mentally face palmed himself. It was their first date and Phil was already thinking about getting married to Dan, clingy much?

"Hey," Dan breathed, crossing his arms and rubbing them to create friction in a lame attempt to warm himself up. In the terrible lighting of the streetlights Phil saw the golden flecks in Dan's eyes and he felt so privileged to see them. He felt warmth spread through him because it was just he and Dan in that moment, no one else. No one else was looking at Dan the same way he was right then, and Phil almost felt jealous at the thought of other people seeing Dan like this. It was stupid, but it was true.

"H-Hey," Phil stuttered, cringing at himself for stuttering. He couldn't help it, Dan just made Phil so nervous, he was always scared of what he thought of Phil; scared of what Phil was in his eyes. Phil snapped back into reality after a second of spacing out. He opened the door for the very cold Dan.

Dan smiled at the gesture and Phil felt like he was melting inside. He didn't think he was worthy of this-of Dan. "Thanks," Dan sung. Phil nodded, returning Dan's soft smile with one of his own. He walked back over to the driver's side and jumped in, glad he kept the engine running.

"Blink-182," Dan commented, referring to the song that was playing that Phil forgot was on. Phil laughed nervously and buckled his seat belt, afterwards reaching to turn of the music, muttering an apology to Dan. "Don't worry, I like it," Dan giggled. Phil was mesmerized by the sound of Dan's laughter and almost forgot to reply.

"Oh, yeah?" Phil asked, smiling. "Good because if you didn't like The Rock Show I don't think this would work out." Phil joked. Dan giggled.

"I know pretty much every word to this song," Dan stated, smiling wide. He buckled his own seat belt as Phil replied.

"Well, I'll have to put you to the test on that one sometime," Phil replied, putting the car into gear and leaving the song playing, which, Phil had to admit, helped calm his nerves.

Phil could hear Dan softly humming along to the chorus. He felt a smile stretch on his face. Daniel Howell-the hottest guy Phil could even picture-was in his car and humming along to Blink-182. How did it get better than that? It didn't. Nothing could top that. Phil enjoyed the music as he drove through the busy streets of London, passing street lights and traffic signs. The chorus played again and Phil's grin widened as Dan's voice hung in the air, hard to hear over the sounds of the city the song playing over it, but worth the strain it took. Dan in no way was a good singer, but he was Dan, and that's all Phil cared about.

"I fell in love with the girl at the rock show, she said, "what?" and I told her that I didn't know. She's so cool got me sneaking through her window, everything's better when she's around, can't wait till her parents go out of town, I feel in love with the girl at the rock show,"

Phil was almost disappointed when they reached their destination, a small dinner on the outskirts of town that Phil loved so much all the waitresses knew him by name. He felt like it would be a really nice place to take Dan as it meant so much to him, maybe a bit much for a first date, but it wasn't as intimate as having him over to Phil's house, which was the only other option Phil could think of. It was about as sappy and sentimental as Phil could get, and he figured Dan would appreciate it if they ever got to the 'sappy backstory' part of their relationship. Oh God, now Phil was thinking about them in a relationship. Well, he guessed it wasn't as bad as earlier when he thought about them being married.

Phil hopped out of the car before his imagination could continue. He shut his door with a bit more force than necessary and he slightly pleaded that it didn't scare Dan. Phil opened Dan's door, relieved to see that Dan didn't seem to mind Phil's slamming of his door. No wonder his car was in such terrible shape, dents and scratching covered the red car, and there was more holes in the seats than Phil could count.

"Thank ya," Dan said with a smile as he hopped out of the car. Phil gave a tight smile in return, locking his knees, convinced that if he didn't he'd melt into the ground because God, Dan was so cute. Phil shut Dan's door softer than he did his prior so Dan didn't think he was some door slamming werdio. Yeah, because that was a thing apparently.

Phil took the lead as they entered the dinner, doing his best to not check Dan out as he held the door for him and let him walk in front of him. He couldn't help it, Dan was hot. Like on a scale on one to ten Dan was the entire dragon. Get it? Because dragons have scales and they breathe fire and fire is hot? Okay maybe that joke was bad.

Phil sighed in relief as the warm air of the dinner greeted him and began to warm his freezing hands. The dinner carried the savory smell of coffee, even at this time of day. It was one of the things Phil loved most about the cozy dinner, no matter what time of day, no matter what time of the year, the dinner carried to warm sent of coffee.

"Hello, Philip!" Diana, the older American woman that ran the dinner sung as she heard the ringing of the bell and noticed Phil standing in the door way. Phil encouraged Dan to follow him, telling him that Diana didn't bite, as he walked over to greet the older woman who was dressed in her usual purple and pink uniform.

"Hey, Diana!" Phil chirped. "How are the grandkids?" It was a routine Phil never planned on breaking, even if he was on a date. As soon as he said his 'hellos' to Diana he'd ask about her grandchildren, because he knew how much she loved to brag on them. Diana shook her head tho and grabbed Dan's hand, who looked shocked and out of place.

"Now now, there's plenty of time for that next time you visit. I want to know who this young man is," She said sweetly, patting Dan's hand. He quickly recovered from his moment of shock and spoke up before Phil had a chance.

"I'm Phil's date," Dan giggled. Diana's dark eyes widened and she turned to Phil and then back to Dan. Her face eventually softened into a small smile. It wasn't that she was homophobic or against Phil being gay, in fact she was probably the most supportive person Phil had ever met, it was the fact that in all the years of her know Phil, he'd had two boyfriends, and each one had ended up hurting him somehow.

"About time Philly bring in a boyfriend," Diana stated, letting go of Dan's hand. Phil shifted uncomfortably and bit his lip.

"Actually, this is our uh, this is our first date," Phil stumbled over his words as he tried desperately to form a coherent sentence. The decor in the dinner had a peaceful feel to it, lots of pastel colors covering the paintings that littered the walls, but it wasn't really helping Phil at the moment.

"Oh really?" Diana gasped. She clapped her wrinkly hands together. "So he'll be your boyfriend after tonight?" If Phil had a drink he would of chocked on it. That wasn't how it worked! One date didn't make you boyfriends, right? No way would Dan agree to that. Phil opened his mouth to speak but Dan, once again, beat Phil to it.

"Maybe," He chirped. Phil felt his jaw drop. Maybe? What did that mean? Okay, obviously it meant maybe but still. Diana was practically spitting rainbows and dancing with unicorns at Dan's reply.

"Aw!" She cooed. Then, to Phil, she said, "You better not mess this up, I like him," Phil nodded once and tried to swallow the burning lump in his throat without success. He really thought he would never be able to breathe again and would die in that coffee smelling dinner in front of a fan girl old woman and his date.

"Anywho, you two go sit down wherever you want, I'll send Lacy out in a minute to wait on you," Diana chirped, walking away. Wait, Lacy? Oh that sneaky old woman. Phil let out a breath he didn't know he was holding, causing Dan to giggle.

"I like her," Dan said. Phil let out another shaky breath.

"Yeah? Well you won't when I explain why she's sending out Lacy," Phil said weakly, smiling a little. Dan cocked his head to the side and Phil shook his head, leading Dan to his usual booth in the corner of the dinner. Dan plopped down in the seat across from Phil and looked at him expectingly, smiling so widely a dimple appeared on his check.

"So?" Dan prompted, staring at Phil. Phil smiled weakly.

"Diana is a sweetheart, and she only means good by this, and Lacy isn't a bad person at all, she's a doll, I swear but she... well, she's the type of 'let it all hang out for tips' kind of waitress. So basically, Diana is trying to make sure you won't be checking her out on our date, which could be really stupid if you were gay and didn't like women at all but I swear she only means good and wow I've talked a lot," Phil rambled, taking a gasp of air in after all those words came tumbling out of his mouth. Dan smiled softly.

"Don't worry, I won't check Lacy out," Dan assured. "The only one who's checked anyone out so far is you when we walked in here." Phil felt his face heart up when Dan said that. Oh. Oh. Dan noticed that.

"I-um-sorry," Phil looked down at the wooden table and refused to meet Dan's gaze, embarrassment burning at him. Phil really needed to be more desecrate if he checked Dan out again. The air was filled with Dan's laughter once again as he reached his hands across the table and grabbed onto Phil's, prying them apart (Phil didn't even realize he'd joined them) and taking them in his own. Phil sucked in a breath and looked up at Dan in shock. It was their first date, you didn't hold hands on the first date, right? Looking at Dan he was greeted with a warm smile and pale pink dusting his tan cheeks. If Phil could ever capture a moment, be able to keep it forever, he'd pick this one. With Dan siting across the table looking so great, it was almost too much for Phil to handle.

"It's okay," Dan's eyes didn't flicker for a second as they burned into Phil's. "Now stop being embarrassed for twenty minutes so we can have a bloody date you sap," Phil laughed softly at Dan's words, feeling his nerves and doubts flutter away as he looked into Dan's eyes. When Dan pulled his hands out of Phil's and placed them in his lap Phil couldn't help but feel a little disappointed, but still, he did his damn best to not show it.

Just as Phil began to think of a reply, Lacy hurried over to the table, obviously in on the plan by how her dress came down a little lower than usual and how she swung her hips more than needed to walk as she approached the boys' table. Her brown hair swung behind her in a tight ponytail and her lips looked freshly glossed. She was really putting Dan to the test, and Phil wished she wouldn't. Even if Dan wasn't all that interested in Phil, it's not like Phil needed to know just yet. Couldn't he fake Dan being happy with him for a just one night? Was that too much to ask for?

Lacy quickly handed Phil a menu and slowly bent over the table to slid Dan his, watching his eyes closely, and Phil was sure Diana was behind a plant somewhere watching as well. Dan kept his eyes right on Lacy's though, raising an eyebrow at the waitress as if he found the whole thing ridiculous.

"I'll give you a minute to order," Lacy said as she righted herself, seeming pleased with Dan's performance. As she walked off Dan giggled softly, waving his arms about, and Phil couldn't help but join.

"That was amazing," Dan blurted in between fits of giggles. "She's so pretentious!" Phil nodded his head softly, agreeing with every word Dan spoke.

"That's Lacy for you, her and Diana both, they're pretty... territorial of me," Phil said, smiling so wide it hurt, but not caring because he was so happy.

"Why so?" Dan asked, smile fading as he detected the seriousness of Phil's statement. Phil had a moment of panic, that wasn't something he could answer on a first date! You didn't just go blabbing about your exes on the first date. Phil's first boyfriend was abusive and forced him into things he wasn't ready for and then the second was a blatant cheat and lair. It was no wonder the ladies at the dinner were so protective of Phil, even if it wasn't their place, it was still sweet and Phil appreciated it very much. It showed they cared, and that made Phil so happy, it was kind of stupid.

"I've had some... bad relationships in the past, but that's more of a second date type story," Phil replied, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Hm, such a shame, I love stories, looks like we'll have to go out again," Dan said with a grin, causing Phil to gasp.

"Wait. Like, really?" Phil blurred dumbly. Dan smiled and stood up.

"Let's go," Dan commanded, nodding to the door. Phil furrowed his eyebrows at the boy, confused as to what he meant.

"What, where?" Phil questioned, nervous as to what this meant. Was Dan bored? Did he already want to go home? Was Phil really that bad of a date?

"Second date," Dan replied simply, walking to the door. Phil stared at him as he walked away, confusion still filling him.

"That's not how it works!" Phil called after him, finally getting up to chase his date. What had he gotten himself into? Was Dan really that dense?

"Now it is," Dan retorted hotly, reaching for the door handle and letting himself out. Phil had to speed walk to catch up, grabbing Dan's wrist before he reached his car. "Hm?" Dan hummed as he turned around.

"Are you really that stubborn?" Phil asked. Dan simply nodded once in reply.

"Thank you for the date and all that jazz," Dan said and leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Phil's check, causing his face to burn.

"Cheek kisses? What is this?" Phil blurted, still very confused. Dan had to have a few screws loose.

"A first date, love. Mouth kisses are more of a second date kind of thing," Dan responded with a wink. Phil felt his jaw go slack at that, and he lost his grip on Dan's wrist. Was that flirting? It had to be, or a sick joke.

"What happens on the third date then?" Phil questioned, trying to pick up on whatever flirting was happening.

"I guess you'll see when we get there," Dan giggled, making Phil smile. That boy was a mess, a perfect, Blink-182 loving mess.

#blink 182 #phanfiction #dan and phil #fluff #ummmm what else lmao

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flauntpage · 7 years ago

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The Progressive Liberal's Not-So-Neat Wrestling Story

It's a strange quirk of pro wrestling that, despite tapping into a deep vein of political sentiment even from its earliest days and a management level that skews right politically, there have been scant few liberal heels.

Vince McMahon is a long-time Republican booster and Linda McMahon works in the Trump Administration. Ring of Honor, meanwhile, is owned by arch-conservative media outlet Sinclair Broadcasting, and smaller promotions have long been enmeshed in local right-leaning struggles over pay and contracting with their wrestlers. You'd think, then, that the American wrestling scene would be swamped with "evil liberal" gimmicks—perhaps a tag team of George Soros–funded protesters, or a young, private-college arts major with a finishing move called the Trigger Warning.

Instead, heels are foreigners like Jinder Mahal and the Koloffs, burly men who scream and threaten the American way of life, or they're the rich and privileged, like Ric Flair and Vince McMahon. Sometimes they're even straight up right-wingers, like the Real Americans gimmick, which had a whiskered Zeb Coulter counseling Jack Swagger and Cesaro in all things Tea Party and feuding with Mexican wrestlers.

The sort of pure text the Real Americans put on display in 2013 was uncommon, but once it was out there it left a question hanging: If reactionary Republicans can be a gimmick, where were the heel Democrats?

In eastern Kentucky, as it turns out.

Unless you've been under a media blackout the past week and a half, you've likely caught wind of Dan Richards, The Progressive Liberal, a wrestling Hillary Clinton fan who delivers hectoring promos about how he's working the area's Appalachian Mountain Wrestling promotion in order to educate the local rubes on proper living, green jobs, and how to pronounce "Appalachia" (with the third "A" being long, according to him, which is clearly wrong and enrages both me and the fans packing the gyms the promotion works). He wears loud shirts emblazoned with Clinton's image and has a finishing move called the Liberal Agenda.

The emergence of the Progressive Liberal, and the reaction to him, appears to be a perfect story for the age: a bunch of Kentucky hicks who voted for Trump because they're too dumb to realize their best interests lie with the Democrats head out to see dumb-assed pro wrestling in droves, only to get enraged by a caricature of a liberal because they're too dumb to really understand it's all fake, too.

The problem with that narrative, which dovetails so well with the mystification we have toward our wrestling-meme-tweeting President, is that it isn't quite true.

"What's funny about Dan and this whole thing to me, is that we're based out of the town of Hazard, Kentucky, in Perry County," says Kyle Maggard, one of Richards' arch-nemeses and AMW's promoter. "That county when it comes to politics, nationally and locally, is a blue county. It's a blue county! And you would think because of the shared ideology that they might be pro-Dan, but Dan has the condescending tone that the rest of the world has with us. It's the smug condescension."

According to the Kentucky State Board of Elections, despite not voting for a Democrat for president since 2000, registered Democrats outnumber Republicans roughly three to one in Perry. Speaking with Maggard, there's a sense that the politics of Blue and Red take a backseat to the very real belief that his home is under siege and hurting badly. He spoke to me, eloquently and passionately, about the ways in which the coal industry collapsing in slow motion has strangled everything from restaurants to 60-year-old businesses as capital flight accelerated. The last thing he wants is a lecture.

"The people of Appalachia, and of eastern Kentucky specifically, we always feel like people turn their noses up at us," he says. "We feel like we're stereotyped and misunderstood. You know? We're all poor, we're all barefoot, we all look like hillbillies. Stuff like that."

Courtesy Appalachian Mountain Wrestling

Dan Richards loves talking politics. More specifically, he loves talking to you about politics. We spoke a lot more about the 2016 election and Democratic messaging than finishing moves and heat (though he gets nuclear levels of heat on AMW's local circuit), and that was something he was clearly comfortable with doing.

"I do think where Democrats can improve is with their message, being unapologetic about it and bold about it," Richards said. "Really laying out what their plans are, especially now. You think about this healthcare plan. Republicans have done it mostly behind closed doors, and then they reveal plans at the last minute and they're hoping to get a vote. And after all this time, they can't even do that. So I think now is the time to be transparent, saying, look, this is our plan, this is what we want to do. I don't think they do a good enough job advertising what they do! So we have a lot of uninformed voters, and there just has to be a better job of reaching them than what we do today. Say what it is and be bold about it. Be unapologetic."

What burns him the most, and what clearly comes across in conversation, is the hypocrisy of the GOP. If there's something I could point to as the animating spirit of the Progressive Liberal, it's that.

"Can you imagine if Barack Obama had been married three times," he asks me. "If he had kids with all those women? Can you imagine if he said he could get away with grabbing a woman's pussy? He wouldn't be president! Why is this OK [with Trump]? Because he has an 'R' next to his name? That hypocrisy fuels everything! And that fuels everything that I say when I have a live mic."

And when Richards gets that live mic, he lets loose, a barrage of Democratic id, pent up and released frustration at a party's rejection by people who got the ACA and steady job growth. Hence the wrong pronunciation of Appalachia, the Hillary Clinton shirts, the promo that insisted he was in town to "reprogram" all these idiots who didn't know better. And they hate him for it.

"I'm wrestling at something called the Dukefest at the end of July. And that's going to be about ten thousand Confederate-flag-loving rednecks all in one place, and the Progressive Liberal is going to be there. I'm not going to say what I have coming up for them, but that might be the one where I get killed," he says with a casual laugh. "I remember back when I was breaking into the business, we'd be in Tennessee and all you'd have to do is shake your fists at the crowd and go 'GRRRRRRRRR' and people would go crazy. All these old rednecks who'd been there for a long time. I've not had anyone climb over the railing yet, but I've had various threats of gun violence. I don't know that that's going to get any better right now."

(It's not just Trump fanatics, though. Richards recalled one event where he got "Feel the Bern" chants, too.)

"Come at me." Courtesy AMW

The gimmick Richards reminds me of the most is CM Punk's Straight Edge Society run, something Richards said wasn't intended but is a comparison he agreed with once I brought it up. Punk took his very real straight-edge lifestyle and turned it up to a quasi-messianic, moralizing-asshole crescendo. It wasn't just the ways in which both Richards and Punk deliver stentorian lectures from the ring on the right way to do things or the realness at the core of it. It's that members of the audience were cheering drug use just because CM Punk was so good at being a massive dickhead about his righteousness. Richards goes out on local television, says we're bringing jobs back to coal country, and people go absolutely berserk.

Daniel Harnsberger (Richards' real name) is the Progressive Liberal, or some version of him, just as Phil Brooks is CM Punk on some level. He's engaging and a sharp guy, and he has a delightful, remarkably old-school attitude toward the frankly borderline dangerous levels of heat he's getting from fans. But there's also a whiff of that judgmental attitude of the American middle-class liberal and more than a hint of the Democratic Party's defeatism.

"The trouble is when you start talking about moving on from coal or clean energy or moving strongly into technology, things like that, is that they feel attacked. I don't know if you can reach those people," he says, with a touch of real exasperation in his voice. "I don't like to say it's hopeless but … I just don't know. If you can't say I'm trying to help you, what do you do? I don't know how we fix that."

If Richards is playing himself, however, and if he strongly believes that liberals need to offer a full-throated defense of the Democratic Party and its values, his version of that defense is heelish. It's annoying. And he knows that, because if he didn't, he wouldn't be playing the heel so willingly. He runs his mouth in the smuggest way possible, a gimmick that has always garnered heat and also has always seemed to work especially well in small venues.

And yet, it feels like the Progressive Liberal has more in common with the pernicious foreign heel than with a straightforward political gimmick like what the Real Americans plied a few years ago. Richards is presenting himself as a stranger to Hazard, Kentucky, and the locals agree with him. They look at Richards, who's from Southern, decidedly purple, Virginia and not New York or Los Angeles, as an invader. The terrifying possibility is that this may be our untenable reality in microcosm—how we look at places like Kentucky as a different world (it is our "internal colony," in heavily debated academic parlance) just as they oftentimes see the "us" in the lowlands, the cities, the media, and politics as invaders.

Local promotion or not, this is also telling of where the Democrats are as a party right now, lately far more the party of the cloying bromides of Nancy Pelosi and the Cheshire Cat grin of Chuck Schumer than of the New Deal. In 2016, Hillary Clinton and the Democrats came off as (and largely were) hapless idiots who couldn't fight their way out of a political paper bag but who, nonetheless, crowed their superiority to anyone who would listen and a lot of folks who would rather not. If the mark of a specific breed of heel is the lecturing, hectoring know-it-all who offers nothing but nails-on-a-chalkboard condescension, the godawful truth of all of this may be that it's not Trump who was the heel during the election, no matter how awful a gorge we're threatening to careen into.

The Progressive Liberal's Not-So-Neat Wrestling Story published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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junker-town · 8 years ago

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You can't overthrow an owner like James Dolan, but you can fight (a little)

How to combat your tyrannical sports owner.

James Dolan owns the New York Knicks and there is no telling how long he will own them. Lifelong Knick fans have already done this, but I’d like to tell you what that means in simple math. James Dolan is 61, and unless he sells the Knicks to someone else he will on average live another 23.5 years.

Let’s say this as a worst case scenario: If James Dolan lives as long as he is supposed to live, and doesn’t change much of who he is or what he does, he will own the Knicks until about the year 2040. A Knicks fan reading that probably just got the slack-shouldered, dead-eyed look men get when they receive long prison sentences. Their families in the gallery likely collapsed in each other’s arms, overwhelmed by reality.

If you happen to be a fan of a franchise with a bad owner, looking at a mortality table isn’t morbid. It’s practicing self-care, because some day, maybe before you do, the inept, insanely wealthy person owning your team will die and possibly free you. I repeat: This isn’t being mean, it’s quoting actual sentiments actual Washington fans have asked Dan Snyder through media intermediaries.

Knicks fans aren’t trying to be morbid when they think about these things. They’re simply coping with a world where sports tyranny is real and inescapable.

Until 2040 or so, barring some kind of ownership change, James Dolan will own the Knicks, and the Knicks will be a bad sports team as a result. The Knicks have won one playoff series since 2000 under Dolan's management. The league’s free agents flock to Miami, Los Angeles, and Cleveland over New York. Talent that leaves the Knicks inevitably flourishes once it leaves. Dolan’s reign may be best known for the tenure of Isiah Thomas, who was inexplicably allowed to coach and run a franchise into the ground, all while getting the company sued for sexual harassment. Dolan has somehow made Phil Jackson look mediocre, something Jackson has spent his entire post-playing career avoiding with great success.

Knicks legend Charles Oakley was thrown out of Madison Square Garden last week. When Oakley asked why, he said he was told, “You have to leave because someone ordered you to leave.” Oakley then got into a fight with security, and was thrown out and banned from the building. In response, James Dolan appeared on a local radio station and publicly accused Oakley of being an alcoholic. It got so bad that Michael Jordan and NBA commissioner Adam Silver had to step in to mediate between the two.

This is the owner of the franchise, and a 61-year-old man with every advantage in the world in terms of money, class, privilege, and resources to help him get things right. This is as good at being an owner as James Dolan will ever be.

It is not a unique situation. For years Al Davis kept the Raiders swatting at imaginary flies. Dan Snyder has tried to make Washington a good football team often to the detriment of the team, and with a business model that will one day charge Redskins fans for oxygen. Jed York, Jimmy Haslam, the DeVos family in Orlando ... they all exist, somehow, without dying of shame. Woody Johnson of the New York Jets may not even realize he owns the Jets. It’s the best explanation at this point.

This all leads to the extremely relevant and practical question: How do you survive when your beloved team has been taken over by the country’s least-fireable, least vulnerable, and meritocracy-immune people?

The Clippers eventually got rid of Donald Sterling, yes. That coup took three decades of humiliating franchise performance, public displays of racism towards his players, a TMZ leak, and the entire NBA working together to oust him. Even then, Sterling still got two billion dollars from the sale of the team.

Professional sports owners are too rich to lose. They are wealthy. They will stay that way, because the way American society works in 2017 is to keep the wealthy at a minimum threshold of wealthy while gutting the middle of the country like a fresh deer carcass for profit.

In the case of sports and probably much more, that carcass is you.

There’s no reason to not gouge the owner on your shuffle off this mortal coil, however. As long as you know this isn’t about winning, and as long as you know that you have some options, you can choose a noble death in battle against your overlords. The choices aren’t great. They are choices besides a default kind of serfdom under tyrannical rule.

I am Spartacus. You are Spartacus. We are Spartacus, and Spartacus is definitely not paying $16 for a large beer without some payback.

Disengage completely

It is an option, albeit a grim one. If you decide to abandon your team, know that it will be weird. Other hobbies will have to step up. Other sports may be an option, but know then that waiting around that corner could be another trap. Sure, I’ll just watch EPL soccer, surely their owners must be different! You should not think this, ever.

If you go full deserter, you make a statement. You take money and views and clicks out of the owner’s bucket. Empty seats in an era of television contracts don’t hold the same weight they used to, but they’re still embarrassing. Being one for your team is absolutely free, and requires even less effort than continuing to be a fan without complaint.

There’s also the dollars you don’t spend on jerseys, shirts, memorabilia, concessions, beer — oh man, all that beer money adds up, not just for you, but for owners too. Margins matter, especially if you have the kind of owner who watches the margins like a hawk.

Note: to make this kind of behavior really effective, you actually have to stop supporting the team. This is a note to Washington fans. Yes, it’s harder than you might have imagined, but you have to stop going to the games and buying overpriced gear to make this work. You have to stop, like, one thing you’re doing, and not hand Dan Snyder your money. If you hate the way he manages your team, just stop handing him money. Stop. STOPPPPP.

Make your fandom a protest

The Baghead route. Again, not entirely effective, but if you’ve already bought the ticket, the paper bag mask is ready when you are. Don’t try to bring signs in protesting ownership: they tend to get confiscated. Chanting works, though you may be asked to leave. This may be the team doing you a favor and improving your quality of life, for which you owe them a quiet thank you.

American fans don’t do this a lot in numbers because we’re too disorganized, for the most part.

However, British soccer fans have a long history of doing this at multiple levels of the sport. The results are mixed at best: Manchester United weathered a fan protest against the ownership of the Glazers with ease, while Newcastle fans did sort of prod owner Mike Ashley into spending money on the club’s roster after skimping on transfers for a while. Lower-tier team protests seem to work much better, but still: Owners don’t tend to sell teams because you ask them to, even if you do it en masse wearing color-coordinated t-shirts with anti-ownership slogans on them.

Make their life hell

There is so little you can do to accomplish this, but if you’re fond of tiny victories, then take it.

The choice for pissants determined to take just one chunk out of the dragon’s hide before getting smoked — making the owner’s life one degree more hellish than it is — requires discipline and stamina. You can’t just boo once: you have to boo, and boo, and keep on booing until the joke becomes a running joke becomes a tradition. You have to boo them about your team at the games of other, totally different teams in different sports. You have to boo them on the street and, if necessary, at a urinal at a public restroom next to you.

You have to commit to this. You can’t take anything away from the owner. The owner has more money than you will ever have, most likely. Barring some brave exception, they have built a bubble of highly paid sycophants, suckups, yes-men, consultants bland functionaries, and spineless running buddies. Their children don’t go to your schools, they don’t vacation at the same places, and they don’t do the basic functions of daily living that the rest of us do. You won’t be able to boo them at the grocery store. There is a very good chance they haven’t been to a grocery store in years. They don’t live in the same country you live in, and don’t want to, really.

The only vulnerability someone as wealthy as a sports owner has is vanity. Formally adored by default in every other space in life, it’s important to deny them that. They won’t get it from the media, especially if they’re an NFL owner. (“Mister [owner]” from the NFL universe remains the most toadying, repellent address in sports.)

You have to make them feel like a loser, in other words, because there is nowhere else they will see an exam, a test, or a challenge in their life. This is the only thing you can rob them of after they robbed you of the simple irrational diversion of fanhood. You can take the toy they bought, and turn it into a mewling, complaining chunk of expensive sorrow in their hands, one that might print money, but that will never, ever do it without spitting in their face. You can take any joy they might derive from being the boss out of their hands, and do it as often as possible.

Few communities could carry this off. But if and when the time comes, I believe in you Philadelphia. We all do.

Wait it out

It’s an option. In fact, it’s the option that involves the fewest actual changes in your behavior. Change is hard! And hard things are bad. You could avoid them and simply let the noble rot of time and tide do the work for you.

Waiting has a few natural advantages. Unlike a lot of other things in life where you might feel powerless, disenfranchised, and otherwise steamrolled by forces beyond your control, reality does catch up to bad teams. There is no rhetoric, no weird identity politics, no subverted prejudices wrapped in appeals to emotion capable of erasing basic facts about a team.

You can’t duck wins and losses, or make up records, or scream “fake news!” when your team is 1-15, or loses by 40 points to a half-empty arena every night. The Browns are bad. There is film to prove it — so much film to prove it, actually. Outright lies people will accept in almost every other area of their life, they will reject in sports.

Because dude: I don’t care what you said, we lost to Georgia Southern at home. AT HOME.

Sometimes the badness becomes so obvious that even ownership takes notice, though that’s not a guaranteed outcome. There are free riders out there, owners content to skim off TV contracts while making the bare minimum effort to contribute. Even worse, there are a lot of owners out there who bought a team with their money like you might buy new exercise equipment: first as an enthusiastic lark, and later as a thing that gathers dust in the corner while slowly rusting.

This can and does go on for decades, but let’s be cynically optimistic for a moment.

Eventually, a team might descend so far into the abyss that something has to happen, if only for a brief, glorious moment. Teams need you on the hook, one way or another, and the spreadsheet will kick in where shame fails. If they have to pretend to compete to do that, they will, one way or another. Jeffrey Loria, regarded as one of the worst owners in sports, did preside over one tantalizing World Series championship in his first year with the Marlins before robbing the city of Miami at gunpoint for a stadium. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers under the Culverhouse family did, at one point, attempt to compete in football, and made the playoffs before a long dive into the trough. The Clippers under Donald Sterling — yes, even the Clippers — built decent teams from time to time.

There’s a bottom, and eventually your team will hit it so hard even ownership hears the thud and has to do something about it.

And sometimes, just maybe, the sports fan living under the tyranny of the inept and wealthy benefits from the greatest disease of the aristocracy: Protracted familial cannibalism when the owner inevitably dies disputes erupt over large estates. In the estate sale, the team is often nothing more than another ornate lamp or painting no one really wants for anything but cash. The next owner might care enough to make a good product, or failing that at least want to sucker you in with a strong couple of seasons before falling back into the gutter of easy shared revenue and seat licenses.

A good solid family law dispute over ownership of your team might solve itself when the bad team, finally receiving its well-earned level of zero support locally, moves to a new city. They might sell to an owner desperate to bilk Las Vegas, San Antonio, or Los Angeles for a new monorail of a stadium. They might be the Cincinnati Bengals, and improve to the tune of “horrible to mediocre, but you can’t say that’s not improvement.”

Either way, the waiting fan’s outcomes are the easiest, emotionally speaking. The waiting fan is the sloth of the sports ecosystem. By not moving, the mold of indifference and pessimism grows on their fur. After a while, they begin to eat it, and maybe even get some natural camouflage and nutrition from it. They might even start to like it, after a while. When success comes, it probably tastes even better after all the fur-mold sandwiches.

If Cubs fans lived off them for over a century, anyone under the thumb of inescapable mismanagement can, too.

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