#i can’t find the last one on youtube so good luck to the spotify-less people

[sequestered-song-skirmish]

Round 1 Poll 33

speak. : 「I've been in love with this song since it came out in 2018 it's cutting the views a bit close but it's old enough that i doubt it will reach 3k before this starts. i find this song really pretty and Kaito's tuning is nice from what i understand he's pretty difficult to use and SCONE did a great job with him」

Yee : 「it's really fun and unhinged but also genuinely beautiful and I like it 👍」

laatcaiclmb : 「This song is just like instant peace」

[adhd-attention-deficit-dumbass]

Any tips for focusing on schoolwork? The quarter ends next week for me and I have 12 missing assignments but I can’t just sit down and do it smh. My meds don’t do shit to help me so I basically run on caffine and Doritos

I was planning on making a longer and more detailed post about this since I struggled with the exact same thing last semester but I’ll do a quick one since you’re in a hurry!

-Ask a university student with ADHD

How to overcome executive dysfunction and just get it done!

A quick overview for the stressed and depressed ADHD student

All strategies mentioned are ones I have tried during a very stressful period in my life and I can happily announce that I succsessfully passed all my re-exams!

1. Study at the library or a similarily quiet place, by no means attempt to study at home or god forbid a café you’ll regret it.

Studying at the library takes so much less effort and energy than studying at home or in s noisy café, save your precious energy for focusing on your work instead of trying to avoid distraction

Libraries are great and full of people who are also studying which will help you feel more motivated!

2. Get rid of your phone 📱

This one ☝🏻 oh boy, it was a game changer, I know you think you may have the discipline not to get distracted but it makes a world of difference

Put your phone in a seperate room on silent if you can, this is the most effective way.

If not, put it at the bottom of your bag and make it as hard as possible to find

Use wireless headphones 🎧 for music so you don’t have to keep your phone within arms reach

3. Write down exactly what you’re doing and divide into small easily doable tasks

Part of the struggle is not knowing what to do, or the task feeling too big and too hard. Write down the task in steps, as many as you need, as simple as you can. Break them down to the smallest and most easily done bits until you feel like you can handle them.

Example: For uni last semester I had 3 smaller tests per week apart from the usual exams. We had to translate between 1500-3000 words every two days on our own and during lectures We’d do a quick 15 min test based on what we’d read that would affect our final grade.

”Translate 2000 words” sounds like a lot so the way I did it was that I put the text into a word file and dived it into seperate paragraphs

I’d end up with 10-12 paragraphs and that would be my focus

So if I had two days to translate, I’d translate 6/12 paragraphs the first day and the remaining 6 the next day

It feels much easier than sitting with a document of seemingly endless work. Because we can have a hard time planning and looking ahead, it helps to give yourself some structure

4. Check off and visualize finished tasks to boost motivation ✅

Again, using last semester as an example

The way I did it is something I call:

The heart strategy❤️

At this time I was obsessed with Zelda games and I randomly drew a little heart in my planner while thinking of Zelda and thought ”huh, what if I used ”video game hearts” as a representation for my own work?” And I have been doing it religously since.

The way I did it was I drew 12 hearts in my planner in a line like this, seperating them with a line in the middle.

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍 | 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

When I finished translating a paragraph I would fill a heart with a bright pink pen because I love pink💗 It was almost like a reward and it made me more motivated to keep going, it also provided a visual to let me know how much work I had gotten done and how much was left

So when my planner looked like this:

💗💗💗💗💗🤍| 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

It would motivate me because it meant I was almost finished for the day and I knew that I had completed half of the task already.

5. Wireless noise cancelling headphones 🎧 + ADHD friendly music

Noice cancelling keeps you from getting distracted by 🗣🎶👏🏻✍🏻👣

Wireless is just amazing in general but it also keeps you away from your phone which will often distract you even when you’re trying hard. Some models allow you to even change songs without touching your phone, which is super helpful

Make a list of music or find good mixes on youtube/Spotify that are not distracting 🎶 They can be motivational and upbeat or slow and relaxing, whatever helps you the most

I have a ”Motivational study songs” list with a lot of upbeat high tempo songs that are about reaching your goals, a mix of rock, pop, Disney and musical songs

Never gonna give you up by Rick Astley is the perfect ADHD study song idk why but it just works wonders for me

But some days the upbeat music is just too distracting so then I put on classical music (mostly Tchaikovsky) or a lofi youtube video. Changing up music is good since your ADHD brain will get bored of the same thing easily

There are also quiet and very aestethic ”☕️study with me 📖” videos on youtube that are like 2 hour long where a person just sits quietly and studies

they can be great because it makes you feel like you have a study buddy but they wont distract you by talking 🙊 as long as you don’t get distracted by them

That’s all for this post! BELIEVE ME i tried SOOO hard to keep it short and it was a lot longer at first i’m sorry if it’s a lot to read🙈

I hope some of this is at least somewhat helpful. Thank you for reading and good luck with your studies!💗

[fvckvalenciano]

introducing benji !!

[ FROY GUTIERREZ // 20 // CIS MALE // HE/HIM // MUSE J ] can you believe BENJAMIN ‘BENJI’ VALENCIANO is apart of the stellar world tour? the industry has dubbed him THE CHARLATAN and he has quite the reputation. sources say he is [ ENGAGING ] and [ ASSERTIVE ], but can also be [ VINDICTIVE ] and [ QUICK-TEMPERED ]. however, he is best described by the song [ SUPER RICH KIDS ] by [ FRANK OCEAN ]. i can’t to see what the stellar world tour has in store for him.

bio & pinterest

hi hi !! i'm sure you guys will recognize this as a reoccuring theme sooner rather than later, but i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing at any given moment, so i'm just gonna dive into a quick introduction to benji and hope for the best ! if you are interested in some slightly more organized thoughts i would recommend taking a look at his bio ( which i just fixed the link for because i'm dumb and it was broken this whole time haha, so let me know if there are any problems! ) & i hope you guys enjoy :)

okay so benjamin is born in greenwich, connnecticut, a town famous almost exclusively for housing some of the wealthiest families in america and not much else. his moms are both lawyers, cutthroat defense attorneys that pay for the family's summers in europe and vacation homes down south with somebody's elses blood money. he's an only child, and their scrutiny is merciless as it curates an envy for the anonymity of the shadows. their expectations pile too high in his throat, and he fears the day he chokes and lets them down, for it is inevietable. but he knows they'll do anything to get him across that finish line, walking across the stage at a prestigous law school he couldn’t care less about, which in an odd way is more terryifying than it is comforting.

music is not something that even crosses his mind until much later in life. it was never an option, still isn't, so he decides early that it is not worth the energy of entertaining, even as he finds peace only when the music is loud enough to drown out everything else. he is desperate to mold himself into somebody worth his mothers' undying affections, not just charades and party tricks. but they are patient with him nonetheless, smiles tight and forgiving through it all, and his stomach turns more often than not with the way pity flashes in a matching set of cool eyes, lightning-quick.

benji is created in just sixteen hours and thirty-seven minutes, an accident. it's a textbook definition of overnight fame, a shoddy youtube video gaining far more traction than it was ever meant to. he's nineteen and only in his second semester at college, and music was never the plan, but neither was law school, really. it's a headache, dizzying to imagine taking a life where he steps outside of his family's hold, and he is forced to make a real decision for the first time in his life. so he does.

in the same breath that he signs a contract with the label, they are prying his music from his fingers, the lyrics of missing a life that was never his to begin with are lifted away and delivered to somebody that looks more the part of soft and remoreseful. ( cue lincoln entering stage left, hello bb ) rather, he’s fitted with quick and aggressive lines, still technically his words but molded in a way that don’t fit right in his mouth. they tell him it fits his image better, and doesn’t he want to be famous? the worst part is that it works, his fans eat it up, and demand more, more, more. anger thrums beneath his skin, obvious even as he shoves it down like always, but any pr agent could spot it from a mile away, and they tell him to use that instead. he is familiar with the use of disguises, years of sneaking around in his own home make excellent practice, but it leaves a bad taste in his mouth all the same. nobody has ever allowed him the vice of anger before, though. he knows a lifeline when he sees one, and he runs with it. benji realizes all too late that this is not the freedom he thought he would be granted, realizes he should have known better, that he let himself get passed over from his mothers’ iron grasp to the label’s. he decides he prefers the way disappointing others lasts longer and feels better than chasing approval, and lets this time be different.

[ H E A D C A N O N S ]

( i know this is all dramatic backstory so far lmao, let me introduce you to who this dumb asshole really is )

more than anything else, benji is all bark with no bite. he’ll curse you out for accidentally waking him up at 7:30 instead of 8:00, and hold the grudge for hours with icy stares and glorified pouting, like he’s got a personal vendetta for making himself miserable. he’s often a bit standoffish, distant in the apathetic way that you could cry on his shoulder for hours and still not hear a word out of him, look over and he’ll offer a placating grin and a shrug. he tells the truth to a fault, blunt and unforgiving and too impatient to waste time playing games with lies and faux-affection. even with all his own bouts of irritability, the kid is an absolute idiot when it comes to reading people and understanding social cues and he’s often left blind-sided when people are pissed at him without explicitly spelling it out. still, he doesn’t hold any actual distaste for anybody on the tour, floating between groups based on whoever’s personality suits him better that day, unless they are the ones to escalate the matter, in which case, good luck charlie. forgive-and-forget isn’t really in his vocabulary. once he makes a decision, it’s near impossible to get him to change his mind.

when he wants to be, or if you’ve entertained his interests in one way or another, he warms up and and indulges you with his internal monologue ( your chances are better if there’s a camera around, he doesn’t often bother wasting the energy otherwise, but still ) actually, it is not as hard as it sounds to gain his favor. crack a dumb joke about pr or offer him half a snickers bar and you’ve already got a foot in the door, baby. he reveals his friendship in odd ways — sarcastic comments and random compliments, nonchalant and declared like fact rather than opinion.

the real shortcut into his brain is alcohol. flash forward to like 11pm on any given day and the asshole is chugging fireball like it’s the first sip of water he’s had after years of dehydration, suddenly all bright grins and loud laughs, eager to collect drinking buddies like playing cards. it’s a harsh juxtaposition, from brooding and fabricated to giggling and tipsy, and his tolerance isn’t nearly as high as he likes to pretend it is, so he’s drunk off his ass and acting a fool more often than not. he’ll trade secrets easily, charming and tongue loose in a way that it never is when he’s sober. ( don’t even get me started with the amount of people he hooks up with, oh boy ) drunk benji’s a real headache for the crew, considering he’s not of drinking age yet in america and he’s got a rigid mask to maintain in order to keep up his charades and remain relevant. he refuses to be ashamed of it, though, and he’s adamant to make things difficult for them, relishing instead in impulsive decisions he never got the chance to make for most of his life. long story short, in a pinch, buy him a handle and he’ll probably like you.

when i say benji will try anything once, i mean it seriously, offer him literally anything and odds are that he’ll say yes. it’s kind of ridiculous. his self-destructive streak is always up for a good time, wink wink ( this doesn’t just mean drugs or anything, like dare him to eat an entire jar of nutella in under 10 minutes? where’s the spoon )

unfortunately he’s a stereotypical rich kid through and through, and he’s got the nicotine addiction to show for it. he won’t even smoke cigarettes out of the principle of the thing ( unless he’s blackout drunk, in which case, oh boy, watch your pockets ) but he’s got at least two juuls on him at any given moment. nobody knows how he manages it, but he’s got an extensive supply of the mango flavored pods even though they’re banned, because they’re the only ones he’ll use. he’s got lots of connections, and the fact that he uses them for this pretty much sums up his entire personality.

you would think that benji, with his reformed rich kid attitude and all his burning anger and sarcastic eye-rolling, would only drink expensive coffee, black and strong, right? no. he’ll walk up to any barista, pissed just to be awake before noon and gaze as hard and cold as hell itself frozen over, and order himself a frozen caramel frappuccino with extra whipped cream and extra caramel drizzle on top, deadpan and monotone. to add insult to injury, he’ll chase it by shotgunning a can of redbull, living off of unhealthy amounts of caffeine to have enough energy to deal with the others at all times. it’s ridiculous.

he’s grudgingly okay with the fact that his social media accounts have been sacrificed for his image, wiped clean and shaped into the public figure he is today. however, he guards his spotify account with his life, keeping it private and refusing to monitor this aspect of his life. his music taste is everything to him, and while he’s willing to plaster songs he’s never listened to all over his instagram story, his spotify is an extension of him, and he fights like a dog to keep it that way.

last but not least, benji’s fashion is atrocious. really, for the greater good nobody should let him dress himself, ever, and they usually don’t. he’s got quite the bad reputation amongst the stylists, infamous for scowling at the high-fashion look they want to stuff him in, refusing to hear reason to the fact that he has to wear makeup to the red carpet. whenever he knows beyond a doubt that no cameras will be waved in front of his eyes, he practically lives in sweats like it’s his religion, paired with genuinely whichever shirt he first lays eyes on. ( listen, he grew up filthy rich and just bought his first pair of sweatpants when he went to college, let him indulge bb ) some members will swear up and down to the fact that they saw him walk around in mysteriously stained sweatpants and a stolen back-up dancer’s skin tight, hot pink mesh crop top for a full hour into rehearsal before he woke up enough to realize his mistake. he’ll bite your head off for even bringing it up, but glance down and double-check what he’s wearing just in case.

oh wait also he’s dyslexic. words blur together in a way that makes writing lyrics a bitch, and just one song take him weeks to finish. it makes the sting of having them ripped away even worse. ( also i get to spell things wrong in the group chat and it’s in character lmao )

[mariposalass]

Say Something, My Love

Summary: Philip Hamilton has no idea of how modern Valentine’s Day works and is bad in confessing his romantic feelings for a modern day girl like her. And yet, he seeks out help in Mari’s siblings and friends to set up a date they will never forget. He didn’t expect that she is also feeling the same way too.

Setting: Mari and co.’s house in Daly City, California; February 4 to 14, 2019

Notes: Valentine’s Day story with Philip and Mari finally discovering that the other have feelings as each other big time! Inspired by @plucky-belmondo’s Valentine’s Day Imagines Prompts (namely the first 2 prompts) with my own spin. The stuff I used here include the recipes in the dinner (1, 2, 3, 4, 5), the tablescape inspiration, flowers, and the outfit Mari/me wore in this story. I’ll release a playlist for me and Philip some time after this.

Tags: Tons of crushing and gushing, Philip needs help in decoding Valentine’s Day, the feels!, romantic vibes, brief mention of character death

Philip Hamilton is in a loss for words right now. He has no idea of what he is feeling in this day and age, but for the last few weeks since he got revived back to life, these unspeakable feelings of love in one of his hosts, Mari, have grown exponentially. Still, it feels like alien territory for him to fall in love with somebody trying to help him out that he has kept his mouth shut whenever Mari notices him trying to get her attention that doesn’t involve help in adjusting to the 21st Century or just wanting to hang out with her and her family & friends.

For weeks, he kept silent on the matter, hoping that it will just fade away and he could just move on and probably find love in another woman too. Even Valentine’s Day is a foreign concept he couldn’t figure out. But these feelings and thoughts were too much for the eldest child of Alexander Hamilton to resist and he now wants to finally confront them big time, except that his father is no longer with him anymore and he is dry of ideas to court this lovely Asian woman on this ominous day.

Which is why he had arranged a last-minute meeting with Harry, Kairi, Issa, and Kirby at the basement one February night (Feb. 4 to be exact) to find a good idea while Mari was still on her way home from work. The aforementioned 4 had no idea as why they are dragged into this at first, but they know well that Philip needs some help in the matter of modern day dating. Everyone else in their group couldn’t come over though for various reasons (being sick, being out of town, work, school, etc.), but they do appreciated the offer though.

“So… You’re telling us that you, you want to date my sister?” Kairi started off the meeting with a question, sounding rather lost.

“Why, I, I, I could explain...” the young Hamilton sputtered in his words, his cheeks flushed hard.

“Philip, don’t be afraid to tell us,” Harry tried his best to reassure him, having to deal with a bad luck in dating women before Issa, the half-blood wizard can sense that Philip needed some help on the world of modern day ‘courting’ per say, “I’ll admit, I didn’t have anyone to teach me how to date a lady when I was a dumb teenager, and I ended up with two relationships that ended up badly. Yeah, I may be that big of an overprotective of a brother, but I can tell if a guy likes either one of my sisters and tries to be a respectable human, I’ll try to be supportive in any way I can.”

“You don’t say, Harry,” Philip began to sound less obnoxious upon hearing of Harry’s poor teen dating history, “I’m quite amazed that you and Issa don’t look like you’re going to fall apart.”

“Thankfully, my sisters were there for me even during my roughest time, especially when me and Issa started dating full time,” he replied, “I couldn’t thank them enough… Anyway, is there anything you want to surprise Mari this Valentine’s Day?”

Issa then stepped in, saying, “Yeah, Philip. Please tell us. We’re all ears now.”

“Well, actually, I have no idea of what to do to spend some time with her on that day!” he admitted much to their shock, “I don’t even recall celebrating it back in my old time. I guess I’m a little too old fashioned to do these strange modern day courting things you guys are doing.”

“Poyo!” Kirby’s mouth opened up in shock, dropping a bit of Strawberry Shortcake on his plate.

This confession left them a little surprised to put it lightly, regardless, Philip began to calm down from being too nervous to be in-depth and explain that he has set up this emergency meeting as to get some ideas as to make an unforgettable Valentine’s Day for Mari since she wasn’t that lucky in finding a guy who will love her unconditionally as she feared that a guy (and even a neurotypical one at that) will reject her because of her Asperger's diagnosis. This raised the alarm for the adopted siblings and friends that they wanted to help out even more than when they were earlier.

“Perhaps we can start by telling you what Mari likes and what her dream date would be like,” Issa suggested Philip a really brilliant idea.

“Alright then, as you say so, Issa,” he responded with a great approval.

“Me and Kairi will go first on this,” Harry began the dialogue, “Since we know her the longest, it’s best for us to say that she has a lot of things she likes and has in mind. First off, she likes her some literary and geeky stuff, she will devour them up like it’s breakfast. And the flowers, good Lord, flowers and butterflies are what gets her rolling. Not caterpillars though, she just finds them icky.”

“Okay, I’ll trying to keep track of what you guys are telling about,” Philip told him as he began to take notes.

“She also likes perfumes, especially those with floral scents: she’s head over heels with them,” Kairi stepped in, “It’s best that you can put one of her favorite scents on the drawer for her to see. Speaking of the flowers, she likes nearly all kinds of flowers, including Sweet Avalanche roses and baby’s breath. She just love the simple but sweet combination of the two combined.”

“You want to know what her idea of a romantic date is: having dinner out under the stars, chatting about interests (even if she knows there are those she can’t catch on), and having a nice walk to wrap things up,” Issa added in to the nuanced discussion, “Mari can be quite a picky eater, If there is something she isn’t wanting to eat or try, she will not eat that thing at all or it will take a long time for her to adjust to it. She would also love to hear some nice music from various genres playing at the background.”

“That picky?” he asked her and got a nod as an answer, “Hmm… I wonder how we can put in some music into play”

“There’s Spotify, YouTube, and SoundCloud, though we can make a playlist for that in iTunes as well,” Kairi replied.

Then Kirby has his turn to add to his chat, which is mostly composed of Poyo Speak, saying “Poyo, poyo. Popoyo, yop, poyo, yoyopo, poy, poyo!”, but everyone (but Philip) knew that Kirby was saying that they can host this date in the backyard and get it prepared for the special day of love and hearts. From the look in his face, Philip has a long way to go when it comes to understanding Poyo Speak.

“Okay then, now we gave a you basic rundown what turns her on, what are you considering to do for the day?” Issa then questioned him as the meeting nears its end.

It then became crystal clear that a dinner date at the bunch’s house backyard would the name of the game for Valentine’s Day with flowers and music involved into the mix. Everyone joined in to make the day special for both parties: grocery shopping, rummaging through storage for something to use for the al fresco dining experience, dealing with flower bouquet arrangements, going through iTunes for playlist ideas - All being done while keeping Mari out in the dark of it. Philip knows that he and everyone else in the bunch can’t risk spoiling the surprise for her in the plain sight so they would take turns distracting her whenever she notices something in their weird ‘chores’ within the next week and a half.

Meanwhile, she has her romantic feelings for Philip growing out of control in her head and it’s freaking her out! How did the world match her with him and made her falling fast for him up until this point? She has secretly keeping them away from most of the people and creatures she knows out of fear that she’ll be mocked for dating a now ex-dead guy. It just so happened during a Saturday afternoon when Mari and Kairi were sitting on a bench at an open-air strip mall in Daly City while waiting for Harry and Issa to pick them after they have finished doing the regular weekly groceries.

“Mari… You seem to be a little off in recent weeks lately,” Kairi asked her older adopted sister, her tone being of concern and worry.

“Oh, it’s nothing, Kai,” she sighed in dismay.

“Let me guess: it has to do with you being all fuzzy whenever Philip’s around?” she began to suspect something funny with her head.

“Unfortunately, yes, Kairi,” Mari’s eyes widened in horror when she heard those words.

“It seems for the last few weeks since we accidentally brought him back from the dead, you’re blushing like crazy when he’s in your line of sight,” she tried to reassure her in vain.

“Kairi, I just don’t know what to do with those feelings,” the assistant librarian wept as she facepalmed herself in anguish, “He’s cute, smart, and nice and all. But I’m worried that he won’t take me seriously in the romantic department. Plus, I never thought of really wanting on a serious relationship this badly before. What kind of an idiot am I for going all mushy over some formerly dead guy from 2 centuries back?”

“So… Okay, that was awkward. Anyway, Valentine’s Day is coming closer everyday, huh?” she reminded her of the day incoming.

“Yeah, it sure does,” Mari nodded in agreement while looking at the calendar in her smartphone.

“Sis, you can’t keep those strange feelings for long though. It’s hard, but if you want, perhaps this incoming Valentine’s Day can help you out a bit in helping you confessing them to Philip,” she advised her on the matter on hand, “Who knows? He might like you that much as much as you like him a lot.”

“Really?” Mari questioned her sister again.

“Mari, I get that having Aspergers does suck and it is not giving you an easy time at all, but you never know about falling for someone until you try,” Kairi explained to her on the matter before remembering something that she can relate on, “Remember the time when I was struggling to deal with my feelings for Sora becoming more romantic over time?”

“Still do to this day, why did you need to bring it up again?” she remembers the moment well, “You two still are dating each other though.”

“We still do, sis. It may be a long time ago, but I’m still grateful that you’re supportive of both of us early on,” the younger sister noted, “You are a great supporter all the way, now I want to pay you back by being there for you all the way. I’m pretty sure that Harry, Issa, and the others will be there for you too.”

“If you say so, Kai,” Mari sighed as her little sister did her best to give her support.

The final days leading up to Valentine’s Day are of a frantic nature as couples scramble to plan their dates out across various activities and places; meanwhile, single either try to stay away from any sign of sickening sweet love or spend some time with other loved ones and friends instead. In Mari’s crazy bunch, there was so much to do to make the best date experience for her and Philip possible. At those days, she couldn’t be allowed to go venture to the backyard for some ‘reason’ as everyone else set the place up for the night: from preparing the menu to untangling string lights and paper lanterns to putting up the tulle curtains on PVC pipes.

When the day arrived shortly after work, Mari got herself ready for the night with a little help from Issa, Karina, and Kairi, nothing too fancy since this was a date set in her own backyard anyway so she could easily get away with just a nice casual dress, jacket, and boots; whereas Philip spent the last few minutes helping Harry, Moana, Kirby, and Ahk in arranging the table properly. His mind was racing wildly as he wondered if he had done enough to make her amazed by his efforts or if he has gotten too far as those feelings for Mari grew exponentially.

Mari just finished doing the final touch-ups when she overheard Kairi calling her that Philip has something waiting for her at the backyard. She proceeded to race down the stairs in her camel-colored ankle boots to find Philip waving back at her with one arm hiding behind his back. Unlike with their first meeting at the exhibit where in he was in his old fashioned coat and cravat, he is now dressed in a crisp white and blue striped button-down shirt with long sleeves, dark wash blue jeans, and black/white sneakers Harry was able to get from a co-worker at the newspaper company he was working at.

“Wow, such a quick improvement from what we had at your revival day,” she spoke up upon seeing the new look he was sporting on that night.

“Your compliments are much welcomed,” he blushed back before he then unveiled a bouquet of blush roses and white baby’s breath in front of her, “This… This bouquet is for you.”

“Oh, why thank you, Philip,” Mari felt her cheeks to blush in response as she received the bouquet with her hands, taking a quick sniff of the flowers before she then asked a random question, “There are no caterpillars, right?”

“Made sure that there is no single one hiding behind the petals,” he answered in a reassuring tone.

He guided her through the kitchen and dining area before they stopped at the doors leading to the backyard which have been covered by curtains. Kirby floated on by and waved at them with high energy, acting as the waiter for the night. Mari then peeled back the curtains and doors as she walked down to the back porch with Philip following after her, smiling for what would be for her at the time no concrete reason other than possibly trolling her.

But it’s when she looked at there that she was struck by how much effort Philip and her friends & family had put into to make the night memorable: delicate tulle fabrics draping the small area of a lower tier patio where a small square table was residing (dressed in a cream tablecloth and lace topper), two wooden outdoor chairs waiting on standby, ordinary dishware and vintage cutlery & crystal glasses she rarely recalls her family using unless her grandmothers pull them out for special occasions, a glass-like pitcher of water, plants around the area, string lights lit from behind the tulle curtains, a vase for the bouquet in which she placed them into, and a smaller side table for the other food, serving items, and a carafe of a drink near and dear to her heart that is the Arnold Palmer. The vibes was giving her some alarms when she soon realized something she showed to Philip 3 weeks ago: film about being surrounded with nature, gorillas, and possible concerns towards colonialism.

“Channeling Tarzan, huh?” she questioned Philip’s logic behind the inspiration which hes replied back in a smile.

“That Disney interpretation of the Edgar Rice Burroughs jungle books was one of the first films you introduced me to modern day entertainment, so I thought why don’t I repay you back with this?” he politely answered back to her when she overheard songs playing out from a docked iPod beside the small side table.

“You got music playing out here too?” she asked him again which he nodded positively while she was pouring the iced tea/lemonade hybrid into the vintage glasses.

As the two took their seats, Kirby arrived waddling in with a tray holding the first course: the earthy umami taste of wild mushrooms in broth form with scattered button, shiitake, and portabello mushrooms floating on top and toasted baguette slices. The little puffball poured the soup carefully into the soup bowls with a ladle despite having no visible fingers in his stubby arms and stayed by them after he was done, because he’s quite a morbidly curious baby. Not a word was spoken as the two partake in sipping the soup, Mari used some of her baguettes to dip into the soup and eat them partially soaked which amused Philip quite a bit.

Once done with the first part of the meal, Kirby took the bowls from them and dashed back to the kitchen for cleaning and to get the next course. As the music kept on playing, Mari was twirling some hair strands anxiously, her mind was going all over the place as to whether or not she should confess her feelings for Philip now. She still remembers that talk with Kairi back at the strip mall less than a week ago, but that pondering soon abruptly ended when Kirby waddled back with the entree of orange-glazed salmon, quinoa mixed with olives & pine nuts, and a salad of baby spinach & arugula, peas, and orange segments. About midway of savoring the food, Mari suddenly stopped and looked at Philip at the eyes, taking a deep breath as she was readying herself for the big moment.

“Philip, I have some words I’ve been meaning to say to you tonight,” she started the conversation, “My head has been plagued with these feelings that has been scaring me to confess anything. I highly doubt if you’re that interested to hear it.”

“Oh no, don’t feel bad for telling me this thing,” he begged to differ, willing to listen to her (which understandably surprised her a bit) along with having those same unspoken feelings at the same time.

“Well, here goes nothing...” she muttered to herself, taking another big deep breath before she began her confessions while poking the plate with her fork, “Ever since the accidental revival more than a month ago, I’ve been developing these thoughts and feelings out of nowhere. The thing is, I’ve never dated a guy before until now. With me being an Aspie, I’m a total hot mess in the inside, my quirks can annoy some people for too long. I was scared that a guy, and a neurotypical one especially, will not date me because of it, because they can’t seem to be willing to put with me, my quirks, my stims, & my disability, and still love me even if I have meltdowns. Philip, I’m sorry if I’m rambling like a motormouth right now, I just don’t know how to put these words lightly. I… I can’t believe I’m saying to you now, but… I, I, I have fallen hard for you so badly...”

Tears were soon escaping from her eyes as she briefly looked away from Philip, bracing for the rejection or heckling and with no idea of reacting to it properly. What she didn’t expect however was what came out of his mouth being completely different from she was thinking of hearing, and it went like this:

“Mari… Please don’t get too upset right now,” he spoke up after hearing ever word she said, feeling really bad for her plight, “I can’t imagine you having a rough time with your impairment, I can’t help but to feel sorry, genuinely sorry to hear that.”

“Huh, you what?” she gasped upon hearing those words.

“Yes, I truly do,” he replied, “I just so happen to be lacking in the… dating world as you can call it in my old time as well. My Papa was determined to let me continue the family legacy into my studies and work. I was so busy with a lot of work then that I just have a few days & brief periods to myself and I couldn’t just idle so much. Then that Eacker made that wretched speech against him, it led to the duel between me, him, and a friend of mine. And…”

Philip was starting to cry, feeling choked the moment he was about to bring up his first horrible death that it snapped Mari from crying. She didn’t thought that he would break down like that in front of her, yet here they are: feeling unusually tense and still there for each other: her being an uncertain socially awkward Aspie and him being a revived overworked kid who feels burdened to keep up with his father’s own legacy only to have his life ended first in a gun shoot and return to the world of the living again.

He then mentally calmed himself down so he can get a grip on himself before he traded in his part of the tense moment, “You see, Mari. In other words, I never courted a girl, never kissed one ever… Then nearly 218 years later, there is you and your family. For all the first months, you guys are there for me regardless: your brother was able to get me a job in the newspaper company he and Issa are working at, you guys showing everything the modern world has to offer from these interesting technical devices to how much America has become into a cultural melting pot. And you’re just the most lovely woman I have ever known outside of Mama. One more thing as well: I actually start to like you more than a mere friend.”

Mari’s jaws felt as if they were about to fall off as soon as she heard those words, locked into suspended disbelief as she began to talk again, “Huh, really? Are you this serious?!?”

“Yes, I am,” he responded quickly, “I’m not kidding. In many ways, you’re quite an amazing woman: smart, witty, kind, unafraid to take risks and be yourself, creative. Even with those faults you have, you still keep on trying to live life well. My folks would’ve like to meet someone like you if they are here today. They really would. And yes, I really do love you...”

The last world sounded more like a jumbled up mess as he spoke, yet Mari can hear it clear: he really likes her regardless of how much Philip blushed as he tried to speak to her without sounding too cheesy. She giggles in between the last remaining bites of her plated meal and sips of her Arnold Palmer while he was trying to snap himself out of his slightly messed up previous words. She then told him, “Geez, I can’t believe that I just met my match, in someone from a different time period, like you. Still, I guess we just need somebody else to lean on...”

“You can say that again, Mari,” he too smiled back as he finally finished his food too.

The two kept on talking more even as Kirby took out the entree plates to the kitchen and returned with a skillet chocolate chip cookie with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce for the two to share. Mari split the dessert into two servings for herself and Philip into the new plates. As the two chatted over melting ice cream and chewy cookie parts, Harry, Issa, Kirby, and Kairi watched from the inside, gushing about as they witnessed a new relationship formed from different time periods and worlds, knowing too well that it was just the beginning.

The End

[jessamarvel-blog]

Why I’m so in love with “Camren”

*Bonus - the last part of this post is a must-see

Hi guys!

This is like a Camren Guide. LMAO.

I’m bored so Imma make a post about my favorite and only ship!

So first things first, to those who do not know what Camren is, it’s a ship name for Fifth Harmony’s Lauren Jauregui and former member Camila Cabello. Camila + Lauren = Camren. Look them up on youtube and get acquainted but I suggest you ready yourselves because it’ll suck you in to the bottomless pit of mixed feelings. It’s a fucking rollercoaster ride of emotions so buckle up if you may.

For those who are new in the fandom, Camren is not that much of a hot topic anymore. Knowing that Camila left the group last year. Both went on separate ways now and they’re said to be in bad terms. Plus, Lauren is supposedly dating Ty at this point in time so... But who knows, right? Maybe the people behind them are just creating drama to survive the show business because that’s what makes people keep up. DRAMA.

To my fellow shippers, we will go down with this ship till we hit the bottom. But even so, Imma still hold on because who knows? Maybe the ship will rise back up! Hold on you guys. Our ship is endgame. I repeat, ENDGAME! :D

Look at that! OMG!

So now, I’ll tell you how I discovered this emotion-wrecking ship. I was about to sleep, watching a music channel in my room when their Write On Me musicvid came up. I saw Lauren and I fell in love. Yes, I’m a Lauren girl and I admit that it’s too freaking hard to keep up with her but I just can’t unlove her. WHY?? So then I searched Write On Me on youtube again ‘cause I just can’t get over her. Then I saw a vid on the recommended portion title “Camren - Write On Me”. My curious ass clicked on it and damn! I have never regretted anything in my life. It sucked me in. I love it and at the same time I hate it. Damn, Camren! What have you done to me? Somehow, Camren made me a harmonizer. I support the girls up until now. Even Camila. They have earned a big potion of my heart.

This lured me in! Such beauty...

Now let’s get on Camren. Imma give you reasons to ship it. 

1. Their background/history

Camila and Lauren are both living in Miami. They both are half Cubans. Camila is half cuban, half mexican while Lauren is half Cuban, half American. They both didn’t know each other’s existence until they tried their luck in joining X Factor. Crazy, right? Both have immediately found solace in each other knowing that they have much similarities. They instantly got close and became each other’s bff in the competition. And little did they know they’re in for a big surprise. They were grouped together! And there came Fifth Harmony. Yay!

Awwww. Fetus feels. T_T

2. The connection/vibes

“I heard Lauren singing from the booth and I was like damn! That girl could sing. Then I saw her came out and I was like damn! she’s pretty too!”

“When I first Lauren, I was like ‘Hi, I like you shirt!” 

“I don’t feel like I have a type. I feel like when you meet somebody there’s just like an attraction. It’s more like an energy If that makes sense.” - Camila when asked about the characters she’s looking for a guy.

“I feel like it’s not something physical. It’s more about the vibe. Don’t you just feel like when you get in a room with somebody, It’s like grrr (you’re gonna make me very happy)”. - Camila during an interview (2017).

There’s tons of sweet interactions actually.

3. Their staring at each other

Have you ever looked at someone and get lost while staring at them? It’s like you’re looking at the world and feel like you just discovered the secret to genuine happiness. Like your eyes turn into heart shapes but you’re never aware of it. These bitches mastered that.

The most epic look/stare in Camren history. Here you can see Lauren getting lost like she’s in another dimension.

Camila staring at the world and found genuine happiness. xD

Lauren enjoying Camila’s spoken thoughts. 

Camila appreciating her girl.

Woops. Someone’s droolin. Lol.

I wish Lauren would stare at me like that. Damn, that girl doesn’t even know I exist. T_T

There’s tons of epic looks and stares I can’t post it all. 

3. Their Indirects.

“Indirects are fun.”-Lauren Jauregui

Bitch, we love it. We’re enjoying it. It’s definitely entertaining. You guys, I think some of their posts/tweets are prolly indirects while some are pure coincidence. I really don’t know how to differentiate. Nevertheless, if they post/tweet the same thought but are not meant to be indirects to each other, then I must conclude they are indeed soulmates. That fucking sameness in wavelength is fucking unreal.

The heck?

Oh, come on!

How weird can they be??

C-R-A-Z-Y!

Oh, and I think you should follow their actions on spotify. They listen to pretty suspicious songs. They even post songs that have weird lyrics and that are low key exposing. Camila makes weird playlists on spotify too and they have meaningful songs. She’s even weirder on spotify. That girl is full of feels.

4.  The Sun and The Moon. Sol y Luna

This one’s pretty trippy ‘cause I’m confused as to which of them is the Sun or the Moon and I know Lucy used to post The Sun and The Moon on tumblr and her instagram too.  But fuck it. Imma make it a Camren thing still. One things for sure though, they both have an obsession with this Sun and Moon thing. :*

This one always blows my mind. Fucking soulmates.

5. Mirroring

OMG! Their mirrorings are definitely a must-see. Are they twins or something? Maybe soulmates? I wish I could find a Lauren to my Camila too. Lmao. They’re sometimes so in sync that it gives me goosebumps. 

6. Camila Cabello 

Yes, Camila Cabello. The girl feeds every Camren shippers delusions like hell. She’s the opposite of Lauren who made it a hobby to kill Camren and break her fans’ heart once in a while. Her hatred for Camren is sometimes so questionable. Like girrrrll! Leave it if it annoys you too much. She’s so defensive about Camren that her actions become suspicious. Meanwhile, Camila freely posts too much suspicious shit. Even her new solo songs and even her whole album which according to her, “The album is really not about boys though....”. We get it Camila. You’re in a glass closet. Don’t you think it’s time to finally break free? ;)

Thanks for sharing, Camz. xD

This interview was full of tension. Camila, we know you wanna marry Lauren but can you please tone it down a little bit?? Lol.

Remember her posting this after Lauren “accidentally” liked a Camren pic on Instagram?? Well Camz, it was an accident she’ll never live down now. xD

For me, this post gives it all away. In that quote, Virginia Woolf is a writer who had an affair with someone of the same sex named Vita Sackville-West. Now, why would she post that? And to think it was that time where she’s being distant to her bandmates. Oh Camzi.

There’s also that time when she said “that’s cute” referring to a fan’s Camren phone case.

A post shared by FIFTH HARMONY-CAMREN (@http.camren.otp) on Feb 10, 2017 at 7:45pm PST

Here’s a vid. Hmmmmm???

Also, Camila’s Gender neutrality is freakin’ suspicious. She uses gender neutral pronouns too much. Why can’t she just say he, him, his or she, her, hers? She instead uses they, them, somebody, someone, people. Damn, it frustrates me sometimes! Like what is she really? Gosh!

7. Tha Fans aka The Camren Shippers

What’s an FBI when you got ‘em Camren Shippers?? LMAO. These people notice everything even the girls’ fingernails. I’m not even kidding. These people are so good in making ‘em Camren videos, it’s like they went to Harvard to study film making. Lol. They mastered the art of stalking that even the girls’ very  distant relative or clueless neighbor can’t get away. What can I say? It’s complicated. ;)

Some Camren analyzing videos and blogs make sense while some are far too reaching.

 I’ll give you some links to my fave camren videos. ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed55zRm9A-4

^^This one is a long vid showing Camren interaction from January to June 2016. You can see their awkwardness in there. It’ll make you delusional. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_qHPdPAk6A

^^ This one is a crack vid by heybooboodaddi, Camren Shippers’ resident comedienne. It’s super hilarious. This one’s the latest crack vid and it hits so much points. It’s kinda exposing Camila.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_E__YMx0gs

^^ A reaction to Booboodaddi’s crack vid. Those people represent me. CaliforniaLuv84 makes hilarious reaction vids.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvx9n3KX5tU

^^ If you wanna drown in Camren feels, you better watch this vid.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJiLH1e326o

^^ You gotta see this too but you gotta prepare lotsa tissues ‘cause yer gonna be Crying in Camren. T_T.

Hail ye Camren Shippers! Woooh! :D

Sooo that’s it.

Wait, gonna give you a fucking bonus.

BONUS PART: 

Remember the supposed Camren kiss on Dinah’s snapchat last year which she deleted minutes after? She posted it on snapchat few days before VMAs 2016. Then during the VMAs Camren was a little less awkward. They were standing and sitting next to each other, talking and laughing. They were kinda happy that time. They probably knew it was their last VMAs together so they made the best out of it. Sooo, in that snapchat I don’t think those were bags. I’ll make you guys believe. It’s the most concrete proof that makes me believe that Camren is or was real. Whenever I doubt about Camren, I always go back to this video and get my Camren hopes up.

Here’s the vid.

ispy with my little eyes. ;)

This was the VMAs days after that snapchat!! T_T

Thoughts - I feel like they are aware of the fact that they are so perfect for each other. Dude, that is why they became uncomfortable about it because they acknowledge the fact that it could be real, it could be true.  Because if it were ever real and they didn’t have the chance to make it public, they’ll be stuck thinking how it would feel like being free to show their love for each other, not hiding. They will always have that “what-ifs” until they’re free and get the chance to try it again. If that time comes, they’re free to tell and show the world the truth. Right now, it’s just complicated. So much is on the line. Their careers on top of it all. Who would’ve known they would end up like that? Wow, what a beautiful love story. Let’s give it let’s say 2 or 3 years more. Maybe till then they’ll come through. 

CAMREN IS REAL, BITCHES! Bah Felicia!

(Credits to everyone whom I grabbed those pics, gifs and videos from)

[jumpingpools]

Money saving tips/hacks for broke hoes

Here’s what I’ve learned about saving money. From one new adult to another, from one broke hoe to another, let’s share the knowledge!

Medical:

buy off brand over the counter drugs-cheaper and work just as well

Prescriptions (in the US) don’t cost the same everywhere (I didn’t know this at first). CVS might be more expensive than RITE Aid vise versa and etc. so compare prices first. My doctor told me about the app “GoodRX” it tells the price of your drugs at different places and has coupons!

If you can’t afford your medical bills, ask for a payment plan, hospitals/doctors’ offices usually will give one to you without interest (a bit difficult to get though).

I’m pretty sure you can stay on your parent’s medical insurance until you’re 25 in the US

Food: Depending on where you live, food can be pricey:

Buy fresh food when it’s in season. check farmer’s markets, might be cheaper

Don’t go out to eat!! Cooking is a pain sometimes but you’ll save so much! (yes, even if you order off the dollar menu)

Eat healthy on a budget:

Smoothies: bananas are cheap. Frozen berries in the grocery store are generally cheap along with other frozen fruits, and milk. BAM you got a smoothie AND vitamins

Rice: make some rice:  put cooked rice in a skillet with some olive oil and season with a sauce of some kind (soy etc). Add an egg or two and chopped onions (both cheap). BAM you got a filling dinner/lunch

Beans/other dry goods. Look I hate beans, I don’t eat them, but you could.

Tofu: You might be like “ew so squishy and gross” but like it’s like mushrooms where it absorbs flavors and pretty easy to cook. Google recipes. Tofu has a lot of protein and usually costs around a dollar. A hell of a lot cheaper than meat.

Eat less meat. Meat is expensive!! Depending on where you live, seafood may be a much cheaper option. or eggs (Or tofu!!)

Pasta sides: and other instant cheap foods. Pastasides is about a dollar and has lots of vitamins and fills you up. (not paid by them to advertise)

Grow your own food!!!  I know you’re like “bitch I’m not a farmer” or “I live in an apartment” but like trust me, you got a window you got some food. Peppers and tomatoes are generally easy to grow outside in a yard/deck/porch. Just water those thirsty hoes. Mint, cilantro and other spices are easy to grow inside. Make a food trade with family/friends that also grow their own things. Example: I give mint to my neighbor and they give me basil. A tomato plant is like generally ~$2 and makes around 15 tomatoes a season so you get a good deal.

Microwave a kitchen sponge (completely wet) for 2 minutes to cleanse it.

Make your own bread/pasta/pasteries/cookies/soup. Homemade tastes better anyways and is cheaper than store bought. Ask an elder for their recipes (my grammy makes some DANK bread). Or google it. Youtube knows all.

Canned goods! They last a long time and are tasty. Canned pasta sauce is cheaper. Canned veggies and soups are a good idea too. Canned meat (ew) but cheap!

Pot luck with friends. Get a variety of foods!

Look yall, if you’re going to go out on the town, if you’re going to hit up the bars, pregame you dummies! Get drunk on liquor at your place or sneak that shit in in your purse like idk but bar drinks are expensive, like only buy one or two when you’re out.

 Coupons! google coupons for things while you shop, screen shot those hoes and scan them at check out. There’s probably apps to help too idk.

Buy damaged foods (cans, boxes) make sure they’re still safe first. My grocery store has a section of damaged goods that’s much cheaper and still good!

Invest in a rice cooker and a crockpot. Both of which you can get used. They are very useful.

 THRIFT STORES!!!!

Furniture, appliances, kitchen supplies, washers, dryers, clothes, bags, outdoor supplies. Like anything you can think of they probably sell it. Habitat Restore and Goodwill are common, but local ones might be cheaper. Buying second hand lets you SAVE THAT MONEY. Also some places of worship sometimes have thrift stores so check those out too. Make Macklemore proud.

Look online like on FB for resale pages in your area! I got a couch for $30! I got a coffee table for free!!

Other:

Cancel subscriptions. No Netflix, spotify, hulu etc. I know, it sucks, but in the long run it drains that money. Ask a friend to share one or ask someone with a cable subscription to have their login and password to watch things on the channel’s website like nbc or fox etc. You can usually watch a few free episodes on their sites anyways. Consider watching foreign shows on Dramafever or Viki (full seasons free and legal) bc of copy write laws and such.

Put your toothbrush in the dishwasher to clean it

Hang dry clothes to save money on electric and keep the clothes in better condition

LED lightbulbs!! They last forever and save so so much on electric!

If the weather is nice, open windows and turn off AC/heat

If work/shops are close, BIKE! I bike 3 miles to work and I have great quads and save so much on gas, especially during rush hour.

Public transportation: not available in a lot of areas, but if it is, probably cheaper than driving.

If you can’t bike, MOPED! Invest in a moped. Mopeds are cheaper than cars and so so so much better on gas! Also fun. Much more common outside of the US

Just graduated college/highschool etc? Live at home if you can. I know it feels LAME but like you can save up so much! offer to pay rent/buy food/take care of siblings (a lot of parents will say not to). Leave the nest after a year if you can. Don’t stay too long.

Hydrogen Peroxide gets blood out of anything

Use bar soap instead of liquid (much cheaper)

Leave a bar soap in closets to make them smell nice instead of using sprays etc.

Make your own laundry detergent!! HERE! Or HERE! There are so many recipes and options. You will save so much money! If you’re not down for that, buy liquid soap instead of pods bc it’s cheaper.

Make a list of wants and needs. Needs will be food etc. Make sure to prioritize.

Make your own furniture. You might be like “bitch what? I ain’t a carpenter.” like GURL neither am I but I can nail two things together and make a small table or shelves for a few bucks. Places that sell wood will usually cut it for you so like just nail those woods and make ya something good.

Side jobs: babysitting, dog walking, lawn mowing. Like do you have a skill? Sell it! Tutoring, rock carving, painting, like it doesn’t matter, sell it. Post yo skillz online like fb pages and such and make that dough gurl. (Meet only in public places, stay safe).

The dollar store pregnancy test works just as well as the expensive ones in CVS.

When you travel stay in a hostel. They’re fun bc you meet lots of cool people and a hell of a lot cheaper than a hotel. Or camp. That’s cheap too and yay nature.

Use rags/old T-shirts instead of paper towels. Throw them in the wash and reuse. Also use them instead of Swiffer pads.

Dilute your dish and hand soaps.

Learn how to change your own car oil. Youtube guys, it’s great. Or find a friend that can and like give them food in return.

Library! Libraries sometimes have movies and TV shows you can rent! Or you know, just books too. If you want to keep the book, buy used online/locally

Go to your bank and make them explain EVERYTHING to you. Like do you have a credit card or debit card? Make them explain how it all works, every little thing about it. How to pay on time, how loans work, what a CD is, best ways to invest etc. You may need to make an appointment. Don’t feel dumb or shy, tell them you want to be responsible and they will respect that.

Alright that’s all I got. Add your tips too so we can share that knowledge! Help out your fellow broke hoes!

[drippeddaily]

Album of the Year #5: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane) - volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Album of the Year #5: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane) - volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)

Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.

Label: Self-Released

Release Date: January 29, 2017

Listen:

YouTube

Spotify

Bandcamp

Apple Music

Background

Bedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.

After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”

Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:

I keep getting emails from people.

I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.

All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.

what else can i do.

im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.

but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.

polemic yelp review of american heath care system:

"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.

After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.

3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.

I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.

I had been reaching out

Calling.

Emailing.

After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.

I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.

I didn't know what else to do.

What else are you supposed to do.

For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.

Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.

Vomiting children.

Bleeding Fingers.

Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.

Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.

Their broken humilated spouse at their side.

I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.

Surrending my freedom.

Surrender of my routines.

After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.

Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.

Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.

One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.

Not sure what that was about.

Empty though.

A bed and a chair.

Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.

You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.

I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.

I sat and waited in my gown.

Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.

I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.

I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.

I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.

This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.

Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:

"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"

No.

No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.

No.

No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.

wrong answer.

I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.

Back right where I started.

Nobody is gonna help me.

Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.

Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.

By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.

Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .

Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.

On hurting yourself:

This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.

On hurting someone else:

This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.

I've read old yeller.

They dont care. Neither do I.

boo hoo.

Conversely:

lock them in a room and keep them safe.

Is this really that hard?

"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"

How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:

"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"

Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.

It creates that understanding.

In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.

even if that wasn't a real compulsion.

a last resort.

This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more.

"well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".

I'll get better one day.

Not today.

Maybe I'll have fingers.

Maybe I won't."

thanks for the well wishes.

i'm fine.

i'm just angry.

i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.

i hate that you are dealing with this.

Review

I don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.

Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.

The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”

This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”

In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.

While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.

Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.

This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”

The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.

And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.

volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:

I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.

Favorite Lyrics

Crouched down by the tree at his neighbors

He liked the way the bark ripped off like paper

He pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasers

Every step he took turned earth into craters

Little brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuff

Bowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks

“man wearing a helmet”

Waking up in situations

Feeling like I'm living in suspended animation

Guess I'm still sober on occasion

And that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation

“stoop lights”

I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going in

Just shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friend

I don’t want to stretch you more than you extend

I don’t want to spit in the hand that you lend

I did it to myself, I get what I deserve

Thoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerve

I’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt but

I just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth

“stoop lights”

Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a scream

Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green

Bashful baby boy, so distracted by my toys

Rode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, Illinois

On a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegrates

The only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate

“haze of interference”

You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madness

You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?

“haze of interference”

If I was glass I'd revert back to sand

Scattered through the sea, I could pass through your hands

None of this will happen, nothing will ever

The things that I believe can never ever happen

I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall

Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all

“haze of interference”

Talking Points

How does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?

What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?

What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?

I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?

And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?

Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.

Artist: Bedwetter (Lil Ugly Mane)Album: volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present.Label: Self-ReleasedRelease Date: January 29, 2017Listen:YouTubeSpotifyBandcampApple MusicBackgroundBedwetter is the latest pseudonym of Travis Miller, best known as Lil Ugly Mane. For a more extensive history of Miller and his work as Lil Ugly Mane before the release of this album, check out my /r/indieheads For Your Consideration write-up on Oblivion Access, as this background is going to mainly focus on what led to the release of his debut project under the Bedwetter album.After releasing Oblivion Access in late 2015, Miller, as Lil Ugly Mane, formed the group Secret Circle with frequent collaborator Antwon and Wiki (of Ratking) in 2016 and the group has released a few singles, including “KEEP IT LOW”, “SATELLITE” ft. Despot and “Tube Socks”, since the formation of the group. The Bedwetter project was teased in December 2016 with this Facebook post and the release of the singles “selfish” and “stoop lights.”Finally, volume 1: flick your tongue against your teeth and describe the present. was released on January 29, 2017 on the Lil Ugly Mane Bandcamp after a concerning post on Facebook that has since been taken down. A day after the release, Miller made a new statement on the Lil Ugly Mane Facebook page after receiving a few emails from people asking about the album and what led to its release. The statement is, as below:I keep getting emails from people.I wrote this the day before Bedwetter was recorded.All i could do, all i can do is write poems and basically a polemic yelp review into the notepad on my phone.what else can i do.im not gonna get into my own shit on some specific level because fuck you, i dont know you. pay attention to yourself.but i feel like this is the best way i can explain shit.polemic yelp review of american heath care system:"After a lifetime of avoiding this shit. Ignoring this shit. FInding myself confused.After 3 months of sleeplessly, anxiously glaring into the eyes of an old monster that suddenly grew a new head.3 months of forgetting who i was. What i was doing.I knew something had to happen. I'd known this for a while.I had been reaching outCalling.Emailing.After continuous unsuccessful attempts for months to contact psychiatrists and doctors, I reluctantly checked into the hospital today.I thought maybe i could get a much needed psych evaluation and hopefully receive some sort of treatment, perhaps even simply a referral and/or an appointment to go see somebody else who could provide that.I didn't know what else to do.What else are you supposed to do.For six hours I sat nervously twitching and in a freezing waiting room.Whimpering old men being completely overtaken by their Alzheimer's.Vomiting children.Bleeding Fingers.Ugly loud sagging losers who were obviously constantly there.Begging for attention with some new ailment and concern.Their broken humilated spouse at their side.I was anxious and horrified by the idea of a potential forced or even voluntary intake to a psychiatric facility.Surrending my freedom.Surrender of my routines.After six hours of constantly reassuring myself I was doing the right thing, I was finally seen.Led down a hallway into a bare concrete cell with a small bed in the center. Dim lights. scratches on the drab walls.Grates in the floor to catch whatever bodily fluids they have to hose out of there.One of the walls was one of those steel doors that the corner store pulls down at the end of the night.Not sure what that was about.Empty though.A bed and a chair.Somebody had carved "slipknot sucks" into the plastic bed that was bolted to the floor. Seems fitting.You're the same, you're basically just a stupid fucking sad teenager right now. You're pathetic. Good luck getting better idiot.I was given a gown and my belongings were inventoried and confiscated.I sat and waited in my gown.Eventually, Two skittish nurses and some community college educated social worker baby-talked their questions to me as a lurching police officer glared at me disgustedly over their shoulders.I'd chosen to go in at a time where I was feeling okay so i would be fully able to articulate and describe the symptoms I was experiencing so I could potentially receive the most accurate treatment. I thought that made the most sense.I didn't want to wait until I was in the midst of some anxious episode and having to hyperventilate my troubles out thru a salty humiliated fog. I thought that made the most sense.I sat and calmy described my symptoms. I tried to convey how terrified i was. I tried to tell them i couldnt do it anymore.This was received with a couple bored nods and sparse notes being jotted down on a clipboard.Eventually i was hurried along and any complexity of my disease was all quickly reduced to two simple questions:"Are you suicidal? Do you wanna hurt anyone else?"No.No I don't. I can't think of anything I wanna do less than die, I can't think of anything that frightens me or gives me more anxiety than the uncertainty of what happens when you die.No.No I don't actively want to hurt anyone, to be honest, the fact that I voluntarily came in here could be seen as an indication that I'm absolutely exhausted and desperate to stop hurting myself and everyone else by not confronting this shit for so long.wrong answer.I was discharged. handed back my clothes, given a xeroxed list of some websites about suicide prevention and a "feel better" or some other equally patronizing verbal pat on the back.Back right where I started.Nobody is gonna help me.Our current mental healthcare system is absolute shit.Absolute shit that absolutely incentivizes violence and self harm by categorizing it as the sole interpretation of "severity" worth treating.By making the idea of treatment feel so utterly hopeless to people who already exist and drown in their hopelessness.Fuck your resources. Fuck being understaffed. Fuck your stupid priorities. You're incompetent .Here let me clear out some space for you. Free up some of your time. Empty some rooms.On hurting yourself:This is a complex issue, but to briefly put it, I believe a suicidal individual should not only be afforded that right, but after some legislatively decided period of time and therapy and education to ward off impulsiveness and melodrama, the same way they treat anybody undergoing assisted suicide. A process. they should be given a safe clean environment and chemicals to facilitate their decision, no matter the reasoning. grow up.On hurting someone else:This is not a complex issue. As far as recidivist violent degenerate squealing psychopaths...rabid dogs just need a bullet to the head.I've read old yeller.They dont care. Neither do I.boo hoo.Conversely:lock them in a room and keep them safe.Is this really that hard?"Are you an immediate threat to yourself or others are you?"How about instead of prioritizing that question we focus more on:"Im so tired and exhausted of constantly hurting myself and everyone around me"Be passing over someone like me, a person who, on their own volition, came to you for help. A person who desperately wants help. You are simply and plainly creating more and more and more people who will eventually be slobbering immediate threats to themselves and all of mankind.It creates that understanding.In an already fractured damaged mind it is an entirely reasonable assertion that you would potentially have to commit an act of violence against yourself or others just to receive treatment. even if you didn't want to.even if that wasn't a real compulsion.a last resort.This system has a very real potential to turn people who voluntarily seek help, people who aren't yet completely overtaken by their illness, into violent suicidal monsters because you are dangling their own treatment on a string in front of them, scoffing at their pitiful attempt at recovery and demanding they need to do more."well shit, if you want help yr gonna have to try a lot harder than that buddy, haha, comeback after you snapped a random person's neck in a grocery store and cut off all the fingers on your left hand with some scissors, fucking poser".I'll get better one day.Not today.Maybe I'll have fingers.Maybe I won't."thanks for the well wishes.i'm fine.i'm just angry.i'm not the only person dealing with this and i've lived a full, somewhat interesting life.i hate that you are dealing with this.ReviewI don’t really know where to begin with this. volume 1, since its release, has been an incredibly difficult album to listen to due the the background and the depressing lyrical content. This isn’t the first album of 2017 to bring out a similar reaction in me, as the same can be said about Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked At Me. Both are extremely painful looks at the narrator’s mental health and the events that led its deterioration. For Phil Elverum, it was the death of his wife, Geneviève, after her battle with cancer. For Travis Miller, it was the failure of the American healthcare system when his cries for help were silenced.Miller’s music, specifically his work as Lil Ugly Mane, is deeply important to me. MISTA THUG ISOLATION and the singles he released before Oblivion Access were all extremely formative in developing my music taste and opened my ears to a lot of new sounds and expressions. Up until the release of volume 1, Miller had always took a more abstract approach to his mental health struggles, and even outright denied his music as Lil Ugly Mane held some deeper meaning. I implied in my write-up for Oblivion Access that it was the first time we were truly hearing a Travis Miller project, but it’s safe to say after listening to volume 1, I might have jumped the gun.The album begins with the short but cryptic “john”, a remixed and chopped up reading of the Bible verse John 1:1, repeatedly fixating on “was God” before roughly transitioning into “man wearing a helmet.” Distant piano chords, rain, a chopped up female vocal sample, a father talking about his child, a jury reading out a verdict, a man asking another if he and his wife have thought about moving, a father now being interviewed about his child being kidnapped, another female voice that’s hard to decipher but is definitely talking about this child, and a drone playing behind all these people talking leads into the album’s first verse, as Miller describes another person’s childhood memories like ripping bark out of trees, pretending to be Superman, and wearing mismatched pairs of Chucks. These memories quickly turn into just that as we now cut to Miller describing this child being kidnapped: “He's a sitting duck, didn't hear the car pull up / Thought his arm broke when they shoved him in the trunk.”This story continues as Miller further describes the child’s circumstances after being thrown in the trunk at an almost breakneck pace, seemingly trying to through the story as fast as he can before he breaks down. It’s all extremely traumatizing to hear, as the child begins to fear the worst as he looks back: “He miss his mom's affection / He miss the dinosaur blanket on the bed that he slept in / Miss throwing sticks so the dog would go fetch 'em / Missed makin' forts in the woods with his best friend.”In the third verse, the car eventually reaches its destination and the child is carried to the kidnapper’s shelter, being led down into a dark stairwell into a lair, the only thing he can see being the “bluish glow of television flickers.” As the child continues to describe their worry at what’s to come, the listener is hit with a gut punch as “he” becomes “I,” as the child Miller was describing the whole time was really himself, revealing the origin story of where his battles with mental health begin as the hook plays on with Miller asking himself questions about this event, with all the answers being “I just don’t remember,” as he has repressed his memories of the kidnapping.While “man wearing a helmet” looks at his past, “stoop lights” cuts to the modern day, with running static/crinkling, a dizzying string sample, synthetic bass, hi-hats, bass drums, and hand claps building the song’s foundation, as Miller begins rapping about what it’s like to be inside his head with no pretensions or greater abstract meanings. His self-hatred has evolved beyond hatred, as Miller simply wants nothing to do with himself any longer, retreating to alcohol and substance abuse to take away the pain of living, pushing himself towards death. The only light he sees are literal ones, as his description of watching them flicker in the hook leads further describing his problems with alcohol and how it’s led to his family leaving him behind.Miller’s descriptions of his deteriorating mental state are as compelling as they are downright disturbing to here. It’s still slightly jarring to hear the man who rapped “Slick Rick said treat 'em like a prostitute” talk about alcohol abuse and depression so openly, but that’s what makes volume 1 so fascinating, as it’s essentially Miller throwing in the towel, no longer resorting to an exaggerated gangster persona or gross abstractions, but trying to describe what’s happening in his head and around him without any bullshit.This no bullshit approach is best put to use in “haze of interference”, which starts off with a repeating sample of a man sing-talking “I’m not sure what it was,” with the rest of the song seeing Miller at not only his most angry, but his most desperate, backed behind menacing synths, distant piano chords, boom bap drums and rattling hi-hats that go back and forth in intensity. One of my favorite lines of the whole album comes out of this first verse and it’s such a simple, but perfect description of crippling depression, as Miller raps towards the end: “Greener on the other side, how about nothing's green.” The second verse sees Miller spitting with more fury than we’ve ever seen, rapping at himself expressing his anger with himself at how he deals with his problems, how he shows himself to his friends and family, and most importantly how his fans see him, with Miller breaking from rapping at “you” to rapping the line “You're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?”The whole song could end there and still leave a massive impact, but Miller keeps going lamenting the fact that he could disappear and almost no one in his immediate life would notice or care, going from referencing the Jonas Jonasson novel The 100 Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared to straight up saying “If I was glass I'd revert back to sand.” Miller ends the verse by completely shattering the fourth wall he previously damaged with the final lines “I'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wall / Pick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all,” delivered as Miller’s voice finally cracks as the song plays out for another two minutes with a fuller Jandek sample seen in the song’s intro, before sourly fading out.And that’s the last we hear of Miller on volume 1, as the second-to-final track “this in not my stomach” features a bizarre and disturbing whisper behind a brooding instrumental, with the lyrics possibly hinting that the song is written in the perspective of the depression itself, trying to convince the host body it’s inhabiting to cut out its stomach, almost like an entity from the Black Lodge. Then, the album ends with “cave yourself over,” a lo-fi piano ballad that simply allows you to sit there and think, taking in all you’ve heard.volume 1 sees a man afraid. A man backed into a corner. A man calling for help. A man who simply just wants to be understood after purposefully obscuring himself for so long. Music was always the thing Travis Miller could resort back to, something to distract him from his mental troubles. Travis Miller the person and Travis Miller the musician were always supposed to be separated. Then, he finally tried to get help and was humiliated, forcing the two to converge in what became Bedwetter. While mental health awareness is at an all time high in America, there’s still a ton of progress to be made as can be seen by Miller’s story. The final note I want to leave this review on isn’t my own, but Miller’s, as it’s the final paragraph of the album’s Bandcamp description:I really thought today someone would recognize my courage, as i handed over power just to reconcile my purpose, that I needed something urgent. I was eager just to learn it. I just wanna person, lord I'm weary from this burden.Favorite LyricsCrouched down by the tree at his neighborsHe liked the way the bark ripped off like paperHe pretended he was Superman, eyes had lasersEvery step he took turned earth into cratersLittle brown jacket, Lee jeans with a cuffBowl cut, blue and yellow mismatched Chucks“man wearing a helmet”Waking up in situationsFeeling like I'm living in suspended animationGuess I'm still sober on occasionAnd that's enough for me to rationalize inebriation“stoop lights”I told you I ain’t right, you knew it going inJust shut the fuck up if you wanna be a friendI don’t want to stretch you more than you extendI don’t want to spit in the hand that you lendI did it to myself, I get what I deserveThoughts in my head, feel like a raw nerveI’m lookin' for an answer, I don’t want to hurt butI just want to sleep when I’m tired of earth“stoop lights”Foggy little planet where your groping hands to touch a screamGreener on the other side, how about nothing's greenBashful baby boy, so distracted by my toysRode a tractor from Wyoming to Chicago, IllinoisOn a carpet of the 50 states, part of me disintegratesThe only thing I'm left with is the part I can't articulate“haze of interference”You're never getting better, you're addicted to the madnessYou're treated like a muse, are you happy now, Travis?“haze of interference”If I was glass I'd revert back to sandScattered through the sea, I could pass through your handsNone of this will happen, nothing will everThe things that I believe can never ever happenI'm standing by a microphone and yelling at a wallPick a thousand names, you're still nobody at all“haze of interference”Talking PointsHow does volume 1 hold up to Travis’ work as Lil Ugly Mane? Is it better, worse, or a whole new beast entirely?What are your thoughts on the production? Is it a natural evolution from Oblivion Access?What do you think about the album’s lyrical content? Does the album’s desperate origins come across in the writing?I also want to open up this thread as a discussion for mental health. How have you dealt with your own mental health troubles? Are they similar to Miller’s experiences?And finally, where does this album land on your year-end list?Thanks for reading and big thanks to /u/TheRoyalGodfrey for letting me do this again this year and for bringing Album of the Year over from /r/hiphopheads! We’re currently in the midst of our third Album of the Year series over at /r/indieheads, so if you want to come over and give us some love, that’d be greatly appreciated! You can view what we’ve done so far and what we’ve got coming up over here, and make sure to come back tomorrow on this subreddit as /u/ImWaal talks Rick Ross’ Rather You Than Me.