#i can try and work through labels but queer is the best of them all

[dorianbrightmusic]

trying to label your sexuality is the weirdest process. you can trudge through the whole basket, flinging 'gay', 'bi', 'ace', and every microlabel from the box, folding each pair, trying each – and they all fit sometimes, but none look quite right. and you try the microlabels, the split-attraction model, and when you've cleared out half the box, you can see the greater nametag on the box itself, and it's simply called 'queer'. and you don't like this, because it's ambiguous, and in a cishet, allosexual, amatonormative society, sexuality is meant to be approachable, comprehensible, easy to dissect and taxonomise, right? and you try, and you try, and you try, and somehow, the certainty of each other term is just too heavy to wear comfortably. and you feel like a whole shredded family reunion full of names that don't fit.

till one day, you lay your hands on the queer box, because as much as its strange shape is terrifying, you've kept coming back towards it. you thought you craved its contents, but maybe it's the box after all. and you pick it up, and it takes on fifty different guises in the time it takes you to lift it to your chest, and eventually, it settles on some gorgeous amorphous shape. and you know it fits around your shoulders, and while you can't tell quite what it is, it's beautiful, it's beautiful, and it's free.

sometimes, labels are extremely useful. and at the same time, when the overlap is too complex, the fluidity too difficult to let settle, it's most beautiful to take on the word 'queer', in all its strange unapproachability and odd colours and forms, its inherent imperfection, its gorgeous shades—yes, yes, yes, to be ambiguous, to be an oddity, a proud and gorgeous oddity—yes, this is the joy of being queer.

[ladyinrainbowglasses]

could you not have thought of a single other movie?

This seems like a good place to explain my reasoning:

First off, I was raised in a Christian dominionist cult. I went to school in one and attended youth group in a different flavor of one.

The suggestions have been for things like die-ins, which is the absolute worst idea for impressing upon a literal death cult trying to engineer a mass human sacrifice to summon their god and end the world that things are bad. A bunch of queer people pretending to be dead in prominent places IS A VISION OF WHAT THEY WANT. Do YOU want a bunch of smug-ass pastors assuring their cultists that Glory Hallelujah, Satan just got them gross queers to act out exactly what will happen when God's Army finally murders every human being in Palestine?

It is, to put it mildly, a terrible idea.

Second, the left is currently labeled a bunch of hysterical killjoys who hate fun. The disgusting hatred Fueher Scheisshosen offers can be FUN. It is an unevolved lizard brain kind of fun, but we are a species just stumbling out of considering public executions, public torture, and public animal cruelty fun.

The majority of Americans sat this one out. The fear on our side is not working. They are not scared of what Trump might do, but they are scared of being told that they are horrible, awful people who are inherently bad because they do not actually know anything that isn't problematic.

The battle is for hearts and minds, like any good propaganda war. Constant fear and constant outrage do work. But so does instilling "Why are you persecuting these people who are giving me a good time?"

We need to be operating from the base assumption that those who are not foaming Nazis are actually scared and tired and battered from 9 years of constant fear porn on one side and constant scolding from the other. If the average American is roughly as smart as the average 12 year old in a system that actually nourishes human potential, everything becomes a lot clearer. The best way to engage a 12 year old-level intelligence is through showing them you are really enjoying yourself quite a lot.

Third, why I landed on "Rocky Horror" as a first choice.

Yes. The movie is 50 years old. It is outdated. It is offensive. It is also nostalgic in a war that is being fought on weaponized nostalgia. Shadowcasts and interactive participation were rights of passage for both Boomers and Gen X. It is a thing that people who did not bother showing up to vote are actually likely to show up for. It is a place where they come to have fun, but they are greeted with the fun of, "This is our last possible party - see, the government you just voted for or didn't bother to stop wants to ban you from being able to do this fun, silly thing that you remember doing as a 20-something. Sorry, this is our last chance to do this! Enjoy yourself!"

That gets THEM upset.

That makes THEM feel targeted.

That makes THEM feel like THEIR leisure choices are threatened.

And yes, I know that it is sickening that most people care more about THEIR leisure time than they care about OTHER PEOPLE'S HUMANITY, but it is the unfortunate reality we are living in.

The threat that all the queer people are going to be dragged off to camps is not a real, extant threat to them.

The threat that they won't be able to relive their 20's for two hours around Halloween every year is.

That said, the exact choice of film is less important than the idea that a lot of people enjoy said film, have fond memories of watching it, that it has some form of participation element, and that the people organizing are blatantly whistling past the graveyard.

Again, I was raised in a cult. The only openly queer film I had heard of was "Rocky Horror". None of the leaders went to see it, but plenty of people who were not locked in had seen it and found it fun. They knew "The Time Warp". I danced to "The Time Warp" at a youth group event, because it was the only taped song that explained how to do the dance that we had. Thank Dr. Demento for that.

If you have suggestions for any film that includes the three important elements of nostalgic fun, participation, and the threat of it being removed by Scheisshosen, I would love to hear them! Let's work together by pooling our knowledge, not eating each other alive because we are not all coming from the same starting point.

The TL;DR:

We are dealing with a death cult, mental children, and people who cannot be persuaded of the stakes with lecturing.

Every move we make as organized resistance needs to target the weak links.

After 9 years of being with an inescapable emotional batterer abusing the entire country, the Left has to stop offering snippy lectures and needs to start offering circuses that are more enjoyable than the circus the Right is offering.

IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE ROCKY HORROR.

BUT IT DOES HAVE TO BE A THREE-RING CIRCUS.

[donnieisaprettyboy]

Sorry if this is an inappropriate question but I'm having some self doubts. How did you know for sure that you were trans? I think I might be but I'm very confused if I'm feeling dysmorphia or dysphoria. Feel free to ignore if this is too personal

There’s nothing wrong with asking questions like this! :) gender is super confusing and sometimes it’s nice to have insight from other people

For the longest time I connected the discomfort with my body with trauma I experienced when I was younger. However, even as I worked through therapy and grew to a point that I am not as affected by my trauma, my discomfort remained.

Everytime I thought about people looking at me and seeing a boy, or even just looking at me and having no clue what my gender is, it made me feel kind of excited? I get heart flutter moments when I think about it.

I feel like I should add that most of my dysphoria is social. There are different kinds of dysphoria, and seeing this image is what made me realize that even though I didn’t struggle with my body too much, I had a strong desire to be seen as non-woman by society (not even necessarily as a man, just as something apart from “woman” if that makes sense).

(I cannot find the original artist for this so if anybody knows who it is please lmk)

When my friends started using he/they pronouns for me it felt really good. Even if I dress more feminine, I’m not binding, or if I’m actively trying to look more feminine, my friends still use he/they pronouns and it feels good!

My university has one of the best LGBTQ+ centers in the country, so I had a really good resource to reach out to and talk to people about. Which, for anybody reading this, you don’t have to be a university student to reach out to queer centers at universities! If you need resources, email them! :)

After quite a long time of experimenting with names, pronouns, styles, lots of research, etc. I came to the conclusion of “I’m just going to do me, whatever that is.” I use any pronouns, I dress however, I present differently depending on how I feel day to day :) people may call it genderfluid (which is fine!) but I’m personally sticking to more vague labels for my own comfort :) transmasc and genderqueer are what I use because it doesn’t feel confining!

I know a lot of this is kinda anecdotal, but I think the gist is there wasn’t one thing I noticed about myself that “confirmed” I’m trans. Also, you define what that means for you! There’s people who use they/them pronouns or different pronouns from those associated with their sex and don’t consider themselves trans! And there’s people who use pronouns that are associated with their sex and consider themselves trans! Technically because I use any pronouns, people can use she/her and that’s fine, but I’m still trans. I want top surgery, and I plan on cutting my hair into a more masculine cut, but I’m unsure about HRT. And after all that, I’m still trans!

I think this got kind of ramble-y but I really hope this all makes sense and helps to some capacity. And I encourage you to explore this and experiment! And if you decide “hey I’m actually not trans” that’s okay! Don’t be afraid to experiment and try things out :)

The trans experience is beautifully unique person to person, and your transness can look very different from someone else’s! :)

[bunnakit]

my stand in ep 2 thoughts, feelings, etc.

alright i wanted to write this up nicely but it took me... two hours to get through the episode bc i kept stopping to write notes, so i'll do my best i guess.

weird thing about me is when i watch shows and write notes for these posts i always write the notes on napkins? i have like 5 different notebooks in arms reach at all times but i really like scribbling on a napkin for the true unhinged effect.

anyway blah blah reminder i'm just a silly dude on the internet, idk shit about dick, i just like to say shit, don't take me too seriously.

also please DO NOT leave novel spoilers in my reblogs, tags, or replies without some kind of warning label. please? it seems to happen with every show i write meta for and i LOVE that people get hyped but there's no way for me to avoid it when it's in my notifications like that.

some before the actual episode stuff; after learning last week that some of the kinnporsche people worked on this it really becomes apparent, especially in the style of the intro.

the music choices also seem a bit reminiscent of kinnporsche (and a little bit of not me) which i really enjoy. it feels kind of familiar and comforting.

immediately i loved how soft this episode started, the slight stubble on each of them, the way joe speaks so softly as if afraid to shatter their little bubble of peace, etc. i also love that the show doesn't skirt around the topic of sex and the fact that sometimes sex is awkward and clumsy, especially with a new partner and doubly so when it's your first queer partner.

and then the peace was shattered with ming kissing his back yet again. ouchies.

"will tong be at the set?" he's just not even trying to hide it. he basically said 'yeah ur great and all but tong????' but DAMN if poom isn't the absolute king of microexpressions.

at this point i can't really tell if tong is being a spoiled prince (derogatory) or if he's tired of acting in general? judgement withheld until a later date.

and then we jump into this actress being a parallel to ming and OOF OUCHIES MY ORGANS. she's a fan of tong but has to "settle" for joe - just like ming. and yet joe takes the time to be kind, to soothe her worries and put her at ease, because he has a heart of absolute gold. "it's her first movie but she was left to drown by the male lead." it's ming's first love and he has been left to drown in it.

mek's acting is really endearing. this is my first exposure to him (ive seen some of his social media and really like what he stands for as a person) and i'm instantly drawn to his performance. he also pulls off a great balance of adorable/sexy.

OOH THE SHOW SAID BISEXUAL OUT LOUD. A WIN FOR THE BI'S WE LOVE TO SEE IT.

i personally find ming's jealously hilarious. what a little caricature of toxicity.

anyway, it seems to me that if ming could get over his feelings and enjoy what he has in front of him he could be part of and enjoy a very sweet family, as it does seem tong IS giving him love, just not the exact flavor he craves.

the cut to joe's training made me laugh. little oat lore dump but my bio dad was actually a stunt man for movies (which is another part of why i was so excited for this show) and i can promise you nothing like this was part of it. what do i know, though, maybe things have changed since the early 2000s lol.

(no, they're probably not any movies you know, aside from maybe wild wild west [1999]. he mostly did westerns, historical docudramas, and historical fiction.)

ANYWAY AGAIN. with this little glimpse into ming's home life we get to see that he's very accustomed to doing what he wants and getting what he wants, which makes a lot of sense when applied to his almost obsessive behavior regarding tong - and now joe. i did absolutely LOVE linin and her sassy independence (minus the 'i can buy anything i need'.)

but... girl... did you just spray perfume in your mouth?

your actions are strange and unsettling. i like that in a woman.

ugh getting into ming venting his frustrations on joe's body. listen. liiiisten. while toxic without prior discussion... i'm into it. it may or may not be one of my favorite tropes in fanfic. toxic and unhealthy as fuck and i'm here for it.

AND THEN DAMN POOM THOSE NOISES. ACTING FOR YOUR LIFE BBY -- and the SNEEZE AT ORGASM LMAAAO oh i hope that's a running bit for some comedic relief.

because we then make a SHARP pivot into "then stop me" and there's so much potential for pain and self loathing there, for joe to think "i can't blame ming, i didn't stop any of it." i'm sat.

a little side bar, but i'm enjoying the fact that while there is discussion of topping and bottoming as a narrative device there really aren't any stereotypes here. i think on a surface level people would think "oh joe is the top" (pit babe style) and the show said no actually he isn't. love that for us.

"you can even move in haha jk" but the thing is, not jk, because joe would do that for ming - for anyone - bc that's the type of person he is.

[i had to stop and have a lil snack here]

hold up is this wut out drinking with them? OH SHIT IT IS. OKAY. it didn't give us much but at least it's a little connection to him finally. we knew joe knew him from his first life, just didn't really know how.

"i missed you" and when was the last time someone missed joe? not who he's replacing or the space he's filling, but HIM?

love ming's goofy ass locking the door and going inside just so he can make a dramatic ass appearance like he's 'the other woman' or some shit LMAO.

"what's in you to make me jealous?" quite possibly the worst dialogue tree choice ming could've picked.

[joe's emotional well being -45]

[everyone hated that]

"don't be so full of yourself" something joe has never been a day in his life. "you're just a stand-in." he knows. it's not something he ever forgets.

but after all that toxicity we have ming back home, seeking out joe's food for comfort, and we finally get to see him interact with his sister. i LOVE that she knows the importance of being a little silly as a treat, one of my biggest life mottos. we also get to see more of how ming is surrounded by love that he misses out on bc of his own wallowing and self sabotage.

oh, the homoeroticism of sparring with your bestie.

[everyone liked that]

oop- joe is wearing the shirt ming borrowed while sol is wearing a shirt with the word 'fantasy.' i'm good, i'm fine, gwenchana, gwenchana.

ough. sol with too many eyes on him and none of them sincere and joe with nothing but sincerity to offer but remains invisible. oof ouch.

enter ming with more religious imagery to match last week's cross scene. something something the sin of greed? confessing your sins? coveting - idk man, i don't have any religious trauma, my family let me just do my own thing.

but with ming knowing joe's true feeling every toxic thing he does is going to be 1000x more painful and i'm here for it. bring it you fucked up little guy.

"we can't mess with each other's privacy" don't mess with MY privacy. "you can't mess around with anyone else" emphasis on YOU, not we.

and then it's driven home what a romantic joe is, both with his workout heartbreak poetry and this little lady and the tramp noodle moment. this man, again much like pit babe, wants to be domesticated so bad.

and i know we all have hated on ming, that's the point, he's been a caricature of a toxic relationship spelled out in neon letters --

but when was the last time ming laughed with someone like this?

ok im exhausted, i'm falling into bed to read fanfic, but i'm absolutely in love with everything this is doing so far. i haven't written anything as in depth as this since last twilight (pre-betrayal) so it's really nice to feel insane again.

[compacflt]

I was wondering if you had thoughts about how Ice and Mav's politics don't fully align with their actions? There was a post where you said Ice's politics are more socially liberal than Mav's but Mav is also the one who goes out to La Jolla to hit on guys before Ice, and later again when he's broken up with Ice, but Ice only goes out with women out of fear for his honor or whatever. Same with their respective thoughts on feminism, with Mav's mild respect for Charlie (telling Ice not all women fit the stereotype) but later Ice is the one who sends Juno to Mav's Top Gun class without telling him she's a woman and Ice has a respectful friendship with Juno. I think you said Ice is vaguely on the ace-aro spectrum (demi-homoromantic) which is a sort of fascinating irony that he doesn't have the words for it whereas Mav is the one with the theories about Ice's sexuality. Though with their hypocrisies and inconsistencies this all just feeds into their characterizations of the fact that they keep divorcing their actions from their spoken words from their identities.

okay going to take this point by point

1. yes i have addressed their politics in relation to their actions before, so maybe read this post and this post before you read this one, just to see where my other thoughts line up

2. gay republicans and conservatives do exist (at the very least certainly republicans and conservatives who have gay sex in secret)

3. before maverick is a political actor he is a human being, and the characterization that we are primarily given for him is that he is impulsive and reckless and doesn’t think through his actions. As ive written about many times before—from a story construction standpoint, his thoughtlessness is his number one most important character trait. He is both thoughtlessly dangerous (his hero’s “fatal flaw;” he can’t stop himself from making bad decisions) and thoughtlessly brilliant (the navy’s best and most daring and heroic pilot). He does what he wants without thinking about it; and he makes excuses and hollow promises whenever that plan doesn’t work out (“I know better than that. It will never ever happen again;” [it happens again] “I’m not gonna let you down. I promise.” [goose dies shortly thereafter]). His thoughtless impulsiveness overrides everything else. Maybe the act of having gay sex (to address your “he gets fucked in La Jolla before ice” point) is politically subversive, but for Maverick’s thoughtless character that we are shown in Top Gun, the most subversive possible thing would be to LABEL the gay sex and think through the consequences of it. To call a spade a spade and call himself gay or bi or queer or whatever. That would be the most subversive (and with mav, entirely unbelievable imo) possible thing. That takes conscious effort of thought, something maverick is near-incapable of doing. As long as he can get away with it without thinking about it, he’s politically in the clear, with regards to his character & character arc. If that makes sense. “Don’t think. Just do.” That’s literally his motto lmfao. He represents thoughtless action as an archetype; his politics come secondary to his desires

4. Their “respective thoughts on feminism” are divided into two camps: 1. “Professional as required by the law” and 2. “Sex pest mode.” They’re naval officers in the 1980s. Whether republican or democrat, that’s kind of par for the course. How men treat women can be a performance to other men. Any respect i made them show towards women had broader, more metatextual “need to move the conversation/story from A to B” reasoning behind it. See the first post I linked for much more on that.

5. i never said ice was on the ace/aro spectrum, or if i did i DEFINITELY meant it sarcastically. That could not be further from what i believe. This isn’t something I’ve ever discussed on this blog before, but a MASSIVE part of the philosophical discussion I’ve been trying to moderate within this project over the last year is the question— “do labels even work with characters under these very specific and extraordinarily extreme conditions and societal pressures?” It’s a question I took from my time studying early American history—the contexts of certain environments, and I would definitely count the elite officer ranks of the navy in the 90s and 2000s as one of these certain environments, simply Are Not Conducive to the easier (path of least resistance maybe) ways we civilians handle sexuality and friendship and trauma. There are so many variables and external and internal pressures within an environment like the upper ranks of career navy officers that sexual orientation labels lose all nuance and accuracy. I don’t think Ice (as i have written him) is gay. I don’t think he’s straight. I don’t think he’s bi. I think he’s an unlabelable product of too many variables for labels to have any effect on how he is perceived. Which, in our society built around labels and categories, is admittedly difficult to wrestle with. But doesn’t make it any less worth wrestling with.

6. Yes, ice and mav’s hypocrisy is the linchpin of the entire story.

They’re both trying to have their cake (“honor” and moral superiority based on the harmful traditional subjective morals arbitrated by elite navy officership) and eat it too (a fulfilling relationship with the love of their lives). & the point is that they cant. they have to settle for one.

[auschizm]

This is just a ramble about medical neglect:

I’ve followed the schizophrenia dialogue for a few weeks now and I’m beginning to have another one of those “oh so that’s what they label it as” moments that I’ve had with basically all my labels. I’ve always had these differences and in some form been aware of them. But one of my biggest difficulties is communicating. I’m not non verbal but I do think I fall on a minimally verbal spectrum and language in general feels like shoving putty through the gears of my brain. So even though I try and tell anyone and everyone my symptoms they are at best downplayed or ignored. I’ve always been hyper aware of how I feel about certain things and have gotten really good at accommodating myself. But that only came after late realizations to things that where hurting me severely. Panic attacks taking me out of extra curricular, depression stopping me from going to school, adhd making me unable to focus in school, autism making me unable to hold meaningful relationships (at least with the people I know), being queer and trans making it hard to relate to peers. It’s always been a matter of my body and mental capacity being pushed beyond where it can go, a break down and slump, realizing and research on my own, and then learning to cope and accommodate myself. It’s happened so many times that I’ve built up a decent foundation for survival but doing it alone means there are deep cracks. I’m so tired all of the time and the idea that I can’t keep pushing past my exhaustion was itself exhausted years ago. I have to keep pushing, I’m the only one putting time and energy into myself so if I stop, I fall, immediately. It’s been a terrifying way to live life. Especially now, my last break down being trapped in a house in the dessert with several not well people, experiencing immense psychosis and ending up homeless for months after. I’m in an apartment and significantly better now, I’m also learning the symptoms I’ve been experiencing, that can’t be explained already, sound a whole lot like schizophrenia. I’m not sure where to go from here, I never really have. I’ve never had proper medical attention before. There where times when even obvious physical injury’s where ignored by family and professionals, addressing anything mental has been impossible. I have a therapist now but I can’t even get them to agree with me about depression, so we only work on material improvement. I’m exhausted, I love myself and I deserve better than this, but I can’t do much better.

Thank you for raising awareness, it’s genuinely made my life easier and I appreciate you a lot. Would you have any ideas for non medical accommodations for living with schizophrenia. It’s okay if not

I am so sorry that you haven't received the support and accommodations you've needed, and I am really impressed that you have managed to care for and stand up for yourself regardless. That's very impressive and inspiring. And depending on the details of your experience with schizophrenia, it might not be particularly helpful to medicalize it. Because as you've clearly already noticed, often the people who are supposed to help you don't actually help much, professionals included. And while there are definitely situations where a label like schizophrenia is a necessary evil, it is also a target that can make you vulnerable to various kinds of discrimination and bigotry. I am not telling you not to seek medical help, but I strongly encourage you to think it through first. Even though I unfortunately can't write you a guide to coping with schizophrenia on the spot.

[istanchan]

Are Pat and Kawi “bad characters”?

I usually don’t go on TikTok to read discourse about shows. But I happened to stumble across this while looking for edits and it just made me so frustrated.

So op made a post about how they can’t stand Pat and Kawi from step by step and be my favorite. They went on to talk about how they don’t even understand how Jeng and Pisaeng deal with their respective partners. Honestly I didn’t really feel like talking about it but with the tens of other people agreeing with them I couldn’t stop myself.

There’s a lot to unpack here but starting off with explaining why the two characters act the way they do helps.

With Pat I feel that most people who watch the show forget that there is a 10 year age gap between the characters (and the actors). While that may not seem like a lot, the fact that Jeng is Pat’s superior and his social class plays into their dynamic and Pat’s behavior. I am more convinced now then ever that the purpose of Step By Step was to portray a realistic representation of how it would be to date your boss. It’s messy and hard to work through. Pat’s character at times is an emotional wreck, I’m not going to deny that, but he still manages to be mature even when his boss and his partner (I don’t think it’s appropriate to label jeng as his boyfriend) isn’t. Jeng completely disregards reality in episode 10, he leaves Pat to handle the brunt of the gossip. Pat after trying to talk with Jeng to mediate the situation, ends up doing what he thinks is best. His character is raw and real and messy at times but I enjoy watching it nonetheless.

As for Kawi, I feel that it’s not fair to judge his character right now since only 6 episodes are out and we haven’t really gotten to the climax of the show. His character is still growing and learning. But honestly in my opinion Kawi as a character is easier to comprehend and understand than Pat. I don’t think Kawi acts completely unreasonable. He does makes mistakes but he tries his best to fix them and better himself. Again like in step by step there is the factor of social class that comes in between Pisaeng and Kawi. Pisaeng is rich and is well known around campus. Kawi struggles to see how a guy like Pisaeng could like him.

It seems this is the common denominator for Pat and Kawi—their insecurities. And to me that’s a completely reasonable factor. For us as the audience it’s easy to rule out what behaviors we would want to change or fix with character we watch, but if we were in their shoes would act completely dissimilar? Life isn’t black and white, and making the right choices isn’t alway easy. I feel that many shows and especially these two show this.

This whole discussion takes me to this wonderful post that I think about all the time when I’m watching BL shows now:

By/For/About Queers Part 1 &

By/For/About Queers Part 2

Both be my favorite and step by step have proven to realistically portray queer experiences. While be my favorite still has way to go I’m surprised by how the writers handled Pisaengs road to discovering his identity. Talking about BL shows in the light of which ones are really for queer or and not just about queer people changes the perspective. I think this plays a small role in why these two shows may be hard to understand the characters pov. Many people that watch BL shows aren’t queer and even some who are, don’t watch BLs for to sympathize with a queer perspective. Many just use BLs as a way to escape this heteronormative world, and that’s honestly completely okay. I do it too sometimes. But that doesn’t undermine characters like Pat and Kawi or even Jeng and Pisaeng.

At the end of the day each person is entitled to enjoy media however they wish, that’s the beauty of the internet. So I don’t have any animosity towards op and all the commenters. I’m glad they have a different opinion so I can share mine.

[i-need-some-advice-on]

I need some advice on if I should encourage my partner to transition.

Okay, so I'm in a longterm, committed relationship with my partner. My partner can be best described as a closeted trans woman, but they have essentially decided that its "too late" for them to transition, they can never pass as a woman, etc, so they might as well live as a man. (As a side note they are comfortable with they/them atm)

Reasons why I feel like "closeted trans woman" is the best label for them:

1. They bring up their disphoria frequently, usually they have at least one depressive episode per month lasting around a week. The episodes are focused around "I would be happier with myself as a woman".

2. All of their OCs are women, every time they have a chance to express themselves via a character, it's a woman, and it makes them really happy.

3. Doing some traditionally femme stuff makes them temporarily happy, but is usually soon dashed against the rocks of disappointment when they start feeling like they look too masculine while doing it. (E.g. wearing femme clothes)

When I discovered this facet of theirs, I was essentially immediately encouraging of experimenting with femininity and accepting of them. However, all experiments ended with Point #3 where they thought they looked too masculine by the end of the experiment and got really disappointed and hurt.

After years of these swings between trying to "perform" as a man and experimenting with femininity, they came to a conclusion they could never be a woman who passes, and they should stop trying. I unfortunately see where they're coming from - they're extremely tall, very strongly built, masculine facial structure, receding hairline, and a LOT of body hair. Just to be clear, I find my partner extremely attractive and would continue finding them attractive if they would start transitioning. However, it seems their ideal vision of self is relatively traditionally feminine, and I do see how it would be challenging for them to achieve it with what they have to work with.

I never voiced it out loud, and was always openly supportive of them transitioning, reassuring them I would be attracted to them if they don't pass/look androgynous/look any way whatsoever, and so on.

Rn they seem to have settled on performing as a guy. They seem to be fairly stable emotionally for the last year or so and found an outlet through RP with me and OC development.

Would it be wrong of me if I keep nudging them toward transition thoughts, trying feminine things that make them happy, and so on? Or would I just be reopening a wound?

They say they're okay with being a guy and just living out fantasies, but I don't entierly believe them. Most of our sex life is built on various femininity-adjacent kinks and our OC fiction we work on together revolves around their character who transitions and builds a happier life for herself.

Some additional context:

They were raised very religious and are still dealing with unresolved religious trauma regarding other aspects of themselves.

We are currently in a very queer friendly state.

It's very likely both of our families would cut support to both of us and go no-contact if they transition. However, we plan to become entierly self sufficient within a year, which is when I plan to start bringing up transitioning again IF the general consensus is that it's something I could do without being a massive dick.

Thank you for reading!

.

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[gingerjolover]

hi ging i know this is totally not the place for unsolicited asking for advice so totally ignore this ask if it’s the wrong place to be doing this BUT in short i’m having an identity crisis yay!!! up until very recently i though i was just a very very supportive ally, eg when homophobic things were said around me i was personally offended but was just like noooo i’m just a huge ally i’m not gay!! i love love munagenius, and not just in a “i wanna be friends with all of them!” way, i’ve had crushes on girls irl, but have just pushed them deep deep down and i’m attracted to them and i would date a girl and AND I KNOW THAT SOUNDS SO GAY LIKE I SHOULDNT EVEN BEEN QUESTIONING BUT FOR SOME REASON IM IN DENIAL. it’s like i almost don’t feel gay enough? literally nobody knows because i like men (unfortunate i know) and have been in “straight” relationships all my life. i know nobody but me can tell me if i’m queer or not like this is my shit to deal with but maybe i just needed somewhere to dump my feelings anonymously :p

hi baby!

this is a safe space, you’re always allowed to ramble in my inbox (that goes for all of you!)

i can’t, in earnest, sit here and write, “well if you like girls and you would date a girl, you’re queer,” because i know first hand that it’s not that easy

i was right where you are not that long ago, and i hope i can use my experiences to give you some guidance?? without making it sound like it’s all about me??

we had very similar experiences, i’ve ALWAYS had crushes on women but never realized they were crushes, i was like “no i just want to be their best friend” or “i admire them soooo much,” or “i wish i looked like them” — and while those are totally normal thoughts to have, i also actively was pushing down the idea that i, as in me ginger, could be queer, i didn’t know what queer meant and i didn’t even know that bisexuality was a thing when i was young

i had a MAJOR identity crisis actually like right before i started posting on here consistently, if you look at my tumblr in the very beginning it was literally all “insert male celebrity x reader” because i did not allow myself to look at content that i was not “queer enough” for

denial is something i ALSO went through, i can’t tell you how many times my best friends (both queer) had to talk me down about WHY i was getting so worked about about labeling myself or feeling confused about liking girls, trying to find the root of why i wouldn’t allow myself to say i was queer or even curious about my sexuality

obviously accepting yourself is hard, right? it’s challenging an idea about yourself that is different from what you’ve always known yourself. i struggled so much with this because, like you sweet anon, i was always straight and nobody knew otherwise

self acceptance/no longer being in denial is also hard because there’s so many factors. one of the biggest factors for me was i was living in an environment at the time where queerness was NOT fully accepted, i know that i was going to be unsafe (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) if i had come out. (i eventually did to one of my family members and it worked out but most of them still don’t know)

one of my other things when not feeling queer enough was like “well i haven’t had a lot experiences with women so i can’t really be queer,” and my best friend literally was like “do you tell children who identify as queer that they aren’t because they haven’t kissed anyone?” and i said “of course not!” and he sat there and let me think about it… and then was like “well yeah, see how stupid that sounds? you’re not LESS queer because you don’t have experience, like maybe it’s more intimidating for you, but it doesn’t make you less”… and it’s something i still think about all the time

i know i’m rambling and i’m kinda jumping around but something you need understand and sit with is you don’t HAVE to label yourself! the biggest reason i hadn’t come out (combined with above) is because i couldn’t label myself, i didn’t feel queer enough for any label.

i ended up (after truly months) coming out as bi (not even officially, i just started referring to myself as bisexual and posting stuff on instagram and creating my own lil community) because like you anon, i unfortunately like men😪 (even though i am actively only dating women/nb at the moment, don’t dissect this too much i am still in my identity crisis)

i guess what i am trying to saaaaay is be patient with yourself, you are queer enough, even if you’re just questioning (although it sounds like you were where i was and you’re def not but i can’t tell you that). as long as you are entering this space respectfully and your intentions are pure, you have nothing to worry about sweet anon.

working to get over the “my whole life is going to change” and turning it into “my whole life is going to change!!!” is a way to help with this identity crisis. any change is hard, change is super scary, but as long as you’re in a place where you are safe and healthy, living authentically, even if confused, is so much better than feeling trapped and trying to work through it alone.

i hope this makes sense, i am obviously oversimplifying a lot of the issues of coming out or identifying yourself, i am very privileged that most of my life hasn’t changed since i have come out, and i know it’s not always the easiest/safest for people

i love you sweet anon! my inbox is always open - so are my messages :)

[afreakingdork]

Oops, the qpr ask here. Clarifications at the ready.

Outside perspective, seeing it through the lens of the person that can feel romantic feeling. And getting to see how they work around it.

I've never considered half the things that reader has because I've never had to worry about it. However it does make me realize I might wanna talk to my partner about somethings to make sure they are also still ok with everything.

Nothing bad there, just an interesting perspective I haven't considered much.

Now for how it flew over Mikey's head.

When I did my research on asexual and aromantic when I found out about them, queer platonic relationships kinda popped up too. And I immediately tried to read everything I could about them.

Because I knew I had something with my best friend but we both agreed dating wasn't it. Sure, we have great chemistry. However, when we did try dating it felt wrong. So finding a label and what worked for us was really nice.

But I also made sure to take the time to do everything I could do we had boundaries even if we were exploring. Like with the; they can date anyone they want to. Or the; what are we comfortable with doing, what are we comfortable not doing. I made like an entire list and we had the conversation.

Mikey on the other hand did do his research, and asked if reader was ok with trying to explore. But he completely forgot to have a boundaries conversation. Or at least to completely consider this agreement from the other perspective.

Again, he did confirm many times that they would be ok with the arrangement. However that doesn't mean he thought through it all. He was just really excited, and valid. I was too, I almost didn't have that conversation either.

But I'm really glad I did, because it did strengthen our bond and help stabilize whatever the fuck we actually have. So, excited for Mikey to have that talk!

Hey! Thank you so much for coming back to explain!

The other perspective bit makes so much sense! Ugh, this is what I LOVE about writing. A simple assembly of words can be taken so many ways you can't even imagine. The product becomes skewed with each hand it enters and that is the essence of art! I'm truly moved hearing your perspective and I hope your talk with your partner goes well!

As for over Mikey's head, you couldn't be more right. The boundaries issue is something ongoing with Mikey even outside the bounds of their current arrangement. It's something I see occur in canon and illustrates just how stubborn Mikey can be since he often pursues things with single minded goals and doesn't care for input from others no mater how valid. Even if it's not malicious, a small misstep can lead to larger issue! Great job avoiding that pitfall! It sounds like you've got something real healthy on your hands; you cherish that, anon! You deserve it!

As for Mikey and reader talking... Your excitement won't have to wait long at all 👀

Thank you again!

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Introducing The Rainbow Book Club

Introduction

In its bid to listen to fans, Storygraph has finally allowed for Book Club and I think it's great as it brings a bit more community into the app. This has been a long time over due and I'm absolutely buzzing with excitement.

For those who don't know advocating through reading is a huge passion of me. I'm a 100% on the train of trying to diversify your tbr and as a queer person I've felt it especially important to get queer literature out there. I've set up an Lgtbq+ Book Club at my college and hopefully at my university. Its a way to have a space for people to explore different queer books and find ones they might not even be aware of.

Its been fun running an in person Book Club so I knew I wanted to do one online so let me introduce you too...

What Is The Rainbow Book Club?

Under a much better name then Lgtbq+ Book Club, The Rainbow Book Club is going to be an online Book Club open to everyone that will focus on reading and discussing Lgtbq+ Books. All books will be books that are labelled as and include Lgtbq+ representation.

The goal of this book club is to get people to essentially read with pride and each month on the Storygraph a poll will go up so that people can vote for the queer book they want to read. Unfortunately it'll have to be queer books I've read as it's harder to do an online Book Club without having read the book.

It'll run entirely online with this year's sessions being sometimes on tik tok live whilst other times zoom. From January 2025 though all book club discussions will be hosted on my tik tok live. Depending on circumstances as I'm aware America is potentially gonna have the app banned all together. I'd love to do zoom but I think larger numbers are more likely to be on live streaming.

When Will The Book Discussions Take Place?

All Book Discussions will take place on the last Sunday of each month from 8:30 GMT in order to give non UK folk a chance to join if they want too. So for example May and June's meetings will take place on the 26th and then the 30th. Unless I get ill or promptly too tired or something comes up, I intend to stick to the schedule.

I'll also be hosting readalongs on the side of Storygraph for anyone who just wants to take part on the reading side and not the discussion part.

For the first meeting we will be discussing Pageboy By Elliot Page. I thought I'd be best to starting with a queer book I've recently read in order to refresh the mind. On the 26th of May I'll be hosting a live stream discussion about Pageboy on my tik tok @fierymelody and will invite those to take part in the discussion on screen if they wish to be part of the live. I'll last from an hour as I won't be constraint by not paying for zoom.

Conclusion

I'm very excited to have set this up and I hope that it can evolve and gain more members once I've got into the flow of things better. Pageboy and Loveless are the first two picks and I'm excited to get many more after June's ended. Although the polls are still gonna consist of books I've read I'm sure the discussions are gonna be super interesting. Won't spoil but I certainly have some interesting thoughts about Pageboy.

I hope things go well and I'm gonna try get my tbr more diverse so that there's more diverse poll choices. I'm very excited to get this started. I've also made rules banning problematic authors and I'm gonna do my best to stick to that. Hopefully despite starting uni this year I can make things work. I'm really looking forward too it.

I'm sorry to say but after having both Storygraph and Goodreads, Storygraph has way better visually looking book club page. Now book clubs are here I hope it gets Storygraph haters quieter about the fact it had no social connections but now it does.

I use both but prefer Storygraph.

For those interested see you May 26th.

-Melody-

They/Them

[jean-meowreau]

Meow or M.

Used to be @/bokuakamazing.

I'm gonna set up a proper info post for myself but for now I'm sharing my simple one from Twitter just bc I want to make sure everything is a safe space for anyone following me!! I try to do my best to give tags for certain content but I may mess up and if it's not for you please feel free to take care of yourself first and foremost and unfollow ♡

A note: I do not personally consume or share non-con content but some people consider high sex, heat/rut sex in A/B/O, and somno between consenting partners to be non-con so I have that there. I don't consume or share explicit assault content, including content with minors in NSFW situations at all. I do support CNC, which is an established BDSM setting between consenting partners who've set up limits before a scene.

Adding incest to this list. Never really had to think about it until now.

I am not a furry but some of the art is stunning but ik it can be an ick for some. I do share content like death, suicide, self-harm, eating disorders - exploration and also some trauma exploration. I write and may share content around torture because learning about it was a special interest when I was younger and I do still find it intriguing.

I share trans content that some young trans peeps can find triggering: bottoming from the front, non-op trans art/fic, and maybe some pregnancy content. (Pregnancy is triggering to me so this is very rare but I may share content discussing why telling trans men they can't get pregnant is transphobic and also informative posts/graphics about pregnancy and how to keep yourself safe should you become pregnant and are heading towards birth.)

I'm queer and ig agender, I kinda don't care. Preferred pronouns are it/its but as someone who's grown up half my time in Texas I understand that using them can be triggering, so he/him is also okay. My romantic labels depend on my partner(s) gender orientation. I love everyone in a gay way, so sometimes I'm a girlfriend, sometimes I'm a boyfriend, sometimes I'm a partner. I'm not here to debate it. If you can't handle that just leave now.

I'm a cult survivor, still deconstructing but 8 years free. I'm agnostic and do often share sacrilegious content so if that is something you're uncomfortable with I recommend muting tags like "sacrilege" and/or "sacrilegious" if you want to keep following. I respect religion and everyone's preference/practice, please respect my decision to not know who/what is in charge and not really give a fuck about it rn.

My interests atm(Aug. 28 2024) are: AFTG, Call of Duty, Haikyuu, Teen Wolf, Good Omens, Dead Boy Detectives, Our Flag Means Death, Interview With a Vampire, What We Do In The Shadows, and other medias I see every so often from mutuals. Sometimes I share art/writing of fandom I'm not even in because I like it. I'll usually try to copy in OPs tags for fandoms and characters and ships where applicable so hopefully tag mutes work.

My Twitter and Instagram are the same username as my blog title.

My AO3 pseuds(by fandom)

- ErlKönig (Call of Duty)

- WretchedLittleRunaway (AFTG)

- SquishySterek (Teen Wolf - very old)

- BokuAkAmazing (Haikyuu - old, not as old as TW)

I do have an Etsy store:

I sell my own merch designs/jewelry and also run my charity projects through here. At the moment I am running:

@sunshine-soap-zine - A huge appreciation zine for John Soap MacTavish (Call of Duty)

@aftg-pinups - an AFTG Pinup Calendar

@cobooty-pinups - A Call of Duty pinup calendar (second year)

My DMs and ask box are always open. I'm autistic so please use tone tags/clarify tone when you can. I'm happy to discuss things I'm in opposition towards but please know I do not owe you my mental or emotional health and can stop/refrain if I so choose.

Thank you ♡

[h0wellslide]

Phride 2024: a novel (kind of but not really)

I was always a tomboy growing up, and as a kid growing up in the 2000s, this absolutely made me an outsider. It wasn’t horrible, but the gendered branding of “blue is for boys and pink is for girls” (simply put) was really something that was prevalent in this era. That’s something the TikTok nostalgia bait tends to leave out.

I liked this part about myself, but going to public school in those days made me beat it out of myself. All of my friends were super girly, so I tried to become super girly. My best friend in elementary school was my male neighbor, and people accusing us of dating (from the ages of 7-11, mind you) drove us crazy. We never talked about it, but I think we both knew innately that us dating was never an option, even if we were older.

It was around this time too that my female friends started having crushes on boys. Again, that feeling of being an outsider began creeping in, since I wasn’t having crushes on anyone. So like many queer kids who don’t know they’re queer yet, I picked boys at random. It was harmless—these boys never actually knew about my “crushes” on them—but I think it did some damage to my psyche. The need to fit in was intense and long lasting.

Middle school absolutely made that worse. I moved states, and went from a rural environment to a town where middle schoolers would get paid hundreds of dollars for good grades. With this came kids who wore expensive clothing, always had their hair and makeup immaculately done, and in my mind, fit the perfect feminine stereotype.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression at this time at age 12, and my first major depressive episode lasted about a year and a half. I remember distinctly having the thought, “I might be a lesbian, but I don’t have the energy to unpack that right now,” and pushed into the depths of my brain. To this day, nearly 15 years later, I have absolutely no idea what prompted that thought.

I began growing out my hair, which had always been in a bob that hovered somewhere around my chin. I began experimenting with makeup, wearing dresses and skirts, and associating “Kate” with femininity. I mistook the exhilarating feeling of trying a new form of expression as liking it, when in hindsight, I was cosplaying as a shell of myself, as an alternate reality.

This continued into my freshman year of high school. This year was pivotal for me for a variety of reasons, but mainly because I began to more fully explore the idea that I may be queer. I developed a crush on my best friend in 2014, and to compensate, became outwardly more feminine in order to reconcile with the queerness that was begging to come out. The epitome of this for me was dyeing my hair a hot pink—to me, it was the most stereotypically feminine thing I could do.

I struggled with a specific term for my identity. I took a lot of those “are you gay?” quizzes and read a lot of articles about queer women’s experiences, but I didn’t really find a lot that personally resonated with me. What I struggled with specifically was a feeling of apathy in regards to sexual/romantic relationships with men, and a lot of the WLW experiences posted around that time didn’t seem to mention it. I used the word queer for a long time, partially due to my own internalized lesbophobia, but mostly due to not finding a particular label that fit.

Around 2015, something changed. I cut my hair into a pixie cut so I could march in marching band without having to put my bob into a hairnet, and this seemingly small action sparked something with me in terms of both my gender and sexuality. I admitted to myself that I’m a lesbian at the end of this year, and came out to my family during June of 2016.

My gender identity was still a work in progress, as much as I liked to pretend at the time that it wasn’t. I got sucked into the whole “lesbians can be feminine even if they have a pixie cut!” mentality. My expression of this thought went through various phases—including but not limited to the instagram full face makeup around 2017–but by 2019, I was wearing little to no makeup, and had started exploring more masculine fashion.

I began realizing that I have dysphoria, but I had tricked myself into thinking I wasn’t having it because I didn’t specifically want to transition. I love the way masculine clothing looks on me, but I realized that I didn’t like how my chest looked in shirts. The idea that I could be nonbinary didn’t even occur to me at this point. I just kind of went with the discomfort, and while I don’t recommend this for everyone, it did help me become more comfortable with my body. Rather than pushing down the discomfort I was feeling, I just let it sit, which was surprisingly really effective for how I view my body.

I met my current partner in 2019, and she was the first person I had talked to romantically who was actually attracted to my masculinity, and who actually treated me like a regular person because of it. A lot of the people I was talking to on dating apps immediately started fetishizing me, but my partner has never once decided to fetishize my appearance.

I came out to her as nonbinary in late 2019 after we’d been dating a few months, specifically as agender. I genuinely don’t feel like I would’ve been able to come to this realization without her and her unwavering support. She’s been my rock through it all, and I genuinely am so grateful for her presence in my life.

She supports me so much, in fact, that she stayed with me when I decided to grow my hair back out in 2022 (I say this jokingly, but seriously, the bowl cut phase was bad). I’d realized that at some point, my hair had become a crutch for my masculinity. It got to the point where not having a haircut for a while made me start feeling like I wasn’t myself anymore, and I didn’t want my intrinsic identity to be conditional. I also hadn’t had hair longer than a bob since I was about 15, and I only kept long hair for about two years.

And now, during pride month 2024, I am content. Outwardly, I actually look similar to how I did during my early feminine days—I dress more femininely than I normally would day-to day due to my work’s dress code, I have longer hair, and I go by she/her in familial and professional spaces rather than they/she. It’s taken time for me to be comfortable with this, but I made it there in the end. Not only am I comfortable, but I am happy in how I present myself.

So this begs the question—why not come out as nonbinary?

The short answer is: I don’t want to.

The long answer? I’m seriously not bothered. I’m in a place of privilege, as my family would accept me no matter how I identify. I wouldn’t lose my job or my housing if I came out as nonbinary. This immense privilege keeps me comfortable, but it’s something I try to be constantly reminding myself of.

And frankly, the biggest reason why I haven’t come out publicly as nonbinary is that I don’t want to have to explain yet another facet of my identity to everyone I become close to. There is always the fear of coming out as a lesbian to everyone I meet, not knowing if they are accepting. I have to explain my disability to those who become my friends, and explain that there are certain things I will never be able to do, and that there are certain things that I may be able to do depending on the day. This doesn’t seem like a lot on the surface, but it’s neverending and exhausting.

All in all, I couldn’t be more proud of who I am. It’s been a battle—one I fought mostly alone—but it’s a battle that’s been won. I did, after all, make it through this night.

If you are ever questioning part of your identity and feel like I can help, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. Gender and sexuality is confusing, and if my story can help even one person figure out their own, then I’m happy.

[totally-sapphic-posts]

Hi :)

I'm the anon who sent you the little confession a few days ago and I was wondering if you have any advice for me. Whilst it was the first time I admitted I'm struggling with this, it's not new at all. It's been a struggle for as long as I can remember, but definitely since hitting puberty (which is like 10-15 years ago), and I feel like I've still made no progress in figuring myself out.

My relationship with my body is kinda weird. Some days I feel like it's a sack of potatoes I have to drag around, other days I kinda like it. It's like I'm a puzzle. Right now everything fits together well and it makes the picture that is me, but there are certain individual pieces that I really don't like. If I were to change them however, what happens to the big picture? It feels like either those new pieces wont fit with the rest or all the pieces have to change, completely changing the picture, and I don't think I like either of those options.

I'm extremely lucky in that my environment is quite progressive and self expression generally isn't frowned upon at all. So I can more or less wear whatever I want and I've convinced myself that that's enough for me, but there's always this lingering feeling inside of me that if it weren't for others, I might've done things differently.

Anyways, it feels nice to get that off my chest, so thanks :)

I'll start off by saying that I can only give advice from my perspective and experience, and that I in no way know everything or even the best way to approach this. In saying that, I would love if others who have different perspectives could maybe comment theirs.

Onto the advice :))

One perspective I know many people take is analysing where your feelings of discomfort in yourself may be coming from.

I have found that even in queer communities and trans communities, we're just upholding gender stereotypes which fuels a lot of gender identity questioning. In fact, I saw a post a few days ago where a woman who dresses fairly masculine and appears adrogynous was talking about how she's constantly addressed by strangers with 'they/them' pronouns. On one hand, she loves the inclusivity and that traditional male/female pronouns aren't the default anymore, but on the other hand she felt that there was an entirely other box that has been created. People saw her, saw that she didn't express herself in a typical female way, but not quite male either, so strangers keep labelling her as a they/them.

I even found personally that I struggled a lot with my gender identity because even in trans communities, we uphold gender stereotypes. I had to do a lot of self-searching and figure out that I'm just typically very masculine presenting and enjoy stereotypically masculine things. My friends are majority male, and that's just how it is. That doesn't make me a man, and doesn't make me a they/them either. I'm just me. With whichever way I choose to express myself, I'm just me.

Try out pronouns you like and feel comfortable with, dress how you want, act in ways that make you feel comfortable, enjoy your interests unapologetically.

And with the body discomfort, personally, I found that working out really really helped me. I love being strong and being seen as such. I love putting effort into myself and walking comfortably in my skin from taking care of myself in that way. Even if I'm wearing baggy clothes (which is the majority of the time) and no one can see how I actually look underneath, there's an odd comfort in my skin.

Speaking to a lot of people, I've found that there's this discomfort in self that is so deeply ingrained through no fault of their own that, at its root, is a societally ingrained perception of gender.

I've been asked hundreds of times, 'what is a woman?', I even attended a conference where this question was addressed at one point. And I discovered that it didn't matter how comfortable or uncomfortable in their own skin the woman was, everybody's answer differed. And from that, I've mentally broken down the construct of what a woman is, because nobody bloody knows, or at least, there is no one shared definition.

So, to me, I am a woman. What that means for me is I'm biologically a certain way. Outside of that? How I express myself? Whatever, that's just personal preference. If today I'm wearing a dress that barely goes past my ass and shows so much cleavage a good christian woman is clutching her pearls, and tomorrow I'm rocking the baggiest outfit ever, it doesn't mean I was more feminine one day and more masc the next, I was just going with what's comfortable. There is no gender involved there. I just am. On paper, I'm a female. What that means? I don't know. I don't even know if it has much significance other than medically and how I take care of my body and providing it with what it needs to stay healthy.

That's gender for me.

I don't know if this was useful or just came across as a rant.

But yeah, figure out the why. Is it you, or a subconcious need to feel a certain way because of external factors? Play around, find what makes you feel like you. Don't worry about anyone else. They don't have to be you. Only you have to experience yourself all the time, so you deserve to be happy being you in whichever way makes you comfortable in your skin.

[anti-workshop]

SHAKY HANDS STICKER CLUB

Hey friends! I alluded to a big thing coming and THIS IS IT!

Patreon sucks ass but it's sort of the name of the game for fundraising things, and we need to raise funds, so here we are!

Do you like stickers? Do you like buttons? Do you like queer leftist shit as well as unique pieces of art you can adhere to the world or wear on your person? Please join our sticker club! You get stickers every month and maybe button/s if you want!

Check it out here -> STICKER CLUB

Also! More short designs will be coming soon! So stay tuned!

Read more below if you wanna know why we're doing this. Warning, it's long and sort of sad.

We started screen printing from one of our basements in 2020. It was, needless to say, the worst possible time to try and start a business. We barely survived and were able to move into the basement of the Milwaukee IWW's new union hall so we could all split the rent and make it affordable.

That was back in 2021. We were still struggling, but through word of mouth we got jobs and kept the lights on. We weren't really able to pay ourselves, but we all had second or third jobs so it was (mostly) fine.

We printed from that basement for about a year (and I hit my head on the ceiling and doorways hundreds of times) when a fellow wobbly and co-op enthusiast invited us to join his co-op as a DBA (doing business as). He sold us on the idea by offering to subsidize our workers' comp, general liability and book keeping expenses so we could try and grow sustainably. After some meetings we agreed to join as a DBA and we put our faith in this fellow worker whose intentions seemed pure and generous. We'll call him G.

Throughout the co-op's history some of our worker-owners' personal lives have been pretty chaotic. Working multiple jobs is stressful enough as a lot of you know, and so is navigating the continued stress of covid, having kids who are dealing with being bullied for being trans, all of us having major depression, adhd, etc. etc. We relied on each other, kept the lights on and just forged ahead, but there were some jobs that we delivered late or very late because of the chaos. G was understandably frustrated by these setbacks, as was I.

Because of the chaos, for about 5 months I was literally the only person working at the shop, performing literally every task from emails to quotes and mockups to invoices to pre-press, press, post-press and fulfillment. The Goncahrov shirts y'all purchased literally paid our rent, and I cannot thank you enough for that.

Then a fellow worker we'll call Z joined the co-op and saved my life. Z is amazing and I love him and owe him so much. He and I just kept at it and did what we could to care for our fellow workers who were struggling while away from the shop.

For about a year we've been trying to get an equipment loan to improve our processes because our little 4-color press and our flash and conveyor dryers suck ass. They're functional, extremely difficult to use, and they make our final product inconsistent and screen printing is a nightmare on them. It was all we could afford so we made the best of it and pursued a loan from a really cool cooperative lender that lends to other co-ops.

After a year of paperwork, making reports of our revenue and costs, analyzing our processes to improve them and show we were a viable business, they finally granted us the loan! We got a new press, better dryer, more screens and an incredible water-based digital printer/plotter combo that allows us to do stickers and decals and banners and buttons and other cool shit like that.

While we were applying for the loan, we were also pursuing a Collective Bargaining Agreement with the PPPWU (formerly the GCC) because we would be the only worker-owned co-op in our region (and maybe the US) to have the allied label, the most coveted union bug for printing. The local president was amazing to work with and we finally got awarded our union label and started paying dues.

It was around the time we began seeking the loan that G was doing and saying things we were a little confused by. He unilaterally fired two worker-owners in his co-op after months of mediation on my part to try and address interpersonal conflict. It's my fault for not seeing the writing on the wall then, but because he had done so much to help us, we justified his actions to look past our concerns.

Then, when those workers were gone he started to get abusive in text threads towards me and the other print folks, and we still looked past it because he had a lot going on in his life and that kind of stress can bring out the worst in anyone.

Well, a few weeks ago it came to our attention that we don't own our print co-op anymore, and we functionally stopped owning it once we signed on as a DBA. We thought we were all worker owners, but it turns out only I am, because I paid in at the time when I had the money. The abuse has escalated to the point that Z has quit, leaving only me the original creator the our co-op who we'll call M.

We're sort of trapped now. We're on the hook for rent at the shop until 2025, as well as the payments for our $30k loan, in a business that's been swept out from under us by someone we trusted who has become toxic and plainly cruel in his treatment of us.

Despite the stress and never really paying ourselves, I've enjoyed learning water-based screen printing and making garments people actually wear! It's been amazing! As the anti-workshop, we've been able to fund programs for our local IWW, the local tenants union and the local pro-palestine, anti-war committee. That has felt so good.

We've made our space an extremely queer, worker-focused spot for folks to learn the ins and outs of design and printing, which I am so proud of.

We're still here. We're still printing. We need to raise the funds to buy our equipment back by paying off this loan, so we can stop being a DBA of G's co-op and be our own entity again.

Failing that, we'll see what happens.