#i can never find a comfortable way to hold my hand that doesnt negatively affect the gameplay

[haunted-xander]

Pros of playing twewy:

playing twewy

Cons of playing twewy:

my fcukimg wrist

[mindofanaturaldisaster]

People can’t change unless they themselves want it. There is beauty in the vast way people can be different they can have different ideas, opinions, attitudes, styles, mindsets and dreams. I embrace the beauty in the difference.We all have our own dreams some might be similar in some ways but each are molded to each of us. And we take certain steps to reach for them maneuver different ways depending on our way of being.

My dreams are to be happy to travel the world to have my own space aparment or house that is mine. My dreams are to manage my adult responsibilities like paying my bills. Also making time to go on adventures try new things meet people from around the world. And one of my big dreams is to be loved completely and give that same love in return preferably a single person until death do us part is shit you know the long hall. I had always dreamt of traveling the world so I took steps I joined the navy and experienced a lot and also realized if I’d be exploring the world I want to do it on MY terms no restrictions. So I decided I am going to get my passport save some money and travel when I can. It took me forever to finally travel anywhere that wasn’t in my own state. I traveled to Miami and Vegas and they were both so fun times but I realized my ultimate dream is to leave so I ordered my passport express and now that this global pandemic is starting to open up the world again I will chase that dream and use my passport and reach that goal not for anyone else but for me. And I hope to have many stamps.

I want my own space and be responsible unlike others in my family who decided to move with no money and had been evicted or are constantly struggling to pay rent. In order to do that in order to have my home my space and live comfortably. I need a good career a good job and a good flow of money that can help me pay my responsibilities and have more than enough left over to put in savings and to live my life. So I found a career that interested me which was a hard part. I went to college 4 different ones had to pause while in the navy and had to push myself so much mentally to not quit and I got my degree an internship and now Steady job offers and I have options to start my career or take my education up a notch with my masters and or possibly take advantage of a paid educational opportunity that would change my path alittle but at the end I would be an MD. I have time to choose and decide what I want for ME without pressure from anyone to decide because I need to choose something that will serve ME not anyone else. So I can have my home or apartment and no major financal stress or be drowning in bills. So I’m still reaching for that dream and I know I will get there because I want it.

I want to be loved completely for myself not for how I dress how I look what I have achieved or what can be potentially taken from me or what I can give to someone. For the person deep inside which is flawed in some ways because bobodys nerfect is ultimately a beautiful genuinely good person at the core. I have loved and been loved. But I want the that forever love. That won’t be easy as I know I have stumbled I have fallen and I’ve hurt and been hurt. But it’s what I want what my dream is, is to one day be with someone that loves me and that I love too. Slowly learning each other then livng together, Travel together and eventually way down the line get married and even further down the line when WE are both ready or at least we think we are because I hear you can Never really be ready have kids to have maybe one and to love them completely and protect them as best we can.

Love is tricky Its a complicated dance. I can love people the way I wanted to be loved. But never take the time to carefully see if the person I am giving all my love to ONE can handle the love I am giving. And TWO can handle giving me the love I want back. And the most complex thing about love is that people define it DIFFERENTLY keyword. And you can find someone who loves you and you can love them but do your visions of love match? There are different love languages too, in which people show their love and affection in different ways. which is tricky too trying to find what yours is or whichever you lean to most because even with that isn’t definite and also balancing that out with some else. I define love as this. Love is a dance it’s a balance of give and take. Not all take not all give. And even not always giving the same amount at the same time. Sometimes a partner may have days or weeks where they need a little more and vice versa. Love is respecting each other. Love is caring for each other. Love is being faithful and loyal to one another. Love is helping each other. Love is growing it’s changing and it’s about balancing the changes when they come and making sure when the waves of change come and shake things up each is willing to keep each other from drowning. Love is a commitment that shouldn’t be entered into lightly. Love is a commitment to learn the person in all their goodness and even at their worst. Love is being honest. Love is trying. Love is loving someone enough to know if you can give them what they want and knowing if they aren’t giving you what you want. love is know when you can’t give and being honest about it.

Loving people can hurt and for most people WILL at one point or another. Loving someone is knowing how to love yourself. Because with out love for yourself how do you know If you are really even being loved? Some people prey on the loveless and take advantage of that for their own gain. It’s sad but true. Without love for yourself how can you tell if you are really even giving love? Without love for yourself the love given to you is a foreign language thus untranslatable. Without love for yourself it is Easy to be fooled into thinking you are being loved. And it’s easy to mold and trick people into thinking you are giving them genuine love. Being without love for yourself can make it so you actively do things that harm yourself. You can surround yourself with harmful people or put yourself in harmful places.

So I want to love myself which I thought I was doing just fine but realized I need more work. More work to fight the demons that can change my whole person. That make me angry with the people around me. The demons that don’t want me to have love to be happy. I have to constantly talk about my issues (with professionals) and uncover all my skeletons and face all my issues. I need to change my own harmful behaviors and habits that reenforce hurt. I had and realized that some part of me deep inside wants me to hurt wants me to struggle and I have to take my time to relearn how to be. So that part of me changes and doesn’t exist anymore. I do that by knowing what I want. I want to be happy, and I want to be loved and love in return. So even if it scares me and makes me uncomfortable and leaves me so far out of my comfort I want to get there . Because sadly being hurt and hurting is my comfort I push people away when I’m scared I argue and try to find reasons why the love and happiness I’m feeling aren’t real. I dig and look for things that can potentially hurt or end up hurting people in the process. I’ve gotten comfortable being alone because I know how to hurt me the best. And I’ve gotten good and pushing people away. Because I don’t want them to see me or know that I hurt myself or I didn’t want to be so vulnerable and let them hurt me. It’s control & pain. I both things I still actively need to work on.

So I will change Me. Changed the bad habits I learned. Changed the things I had gotten used to doing that would cause the same results. Let go of the things I cling to because with attachment comes pain. And I will change me because that’s the only thing I can do to get to my picture of happiness which can also change with me.

I will remove constantly negative people who drain me of my energy. I will remove myself from harmful scenarios and harmful people because although I do see good in people and try to give people chances. Others don’t think the same and others wouldn’t think twice before saying something or doing something that would hurt me. So I can be kind but I will protect myself at all cost. I will remove myself from people content with having no dreams or ambitions. I will remove myself from Those content with coasting through life with dreams they will never even try to chase or ideas or goals they have but never try for. I will remove myself from people who expect the world handed to them without even trying to put in effort. I will remove myself from people who have given up on themselves, because I want everyone to try and I have used up my energy trying to motivate inspire and encourage people who just don’t see it in themselves. As much as it pains me not to try and hold on to hope for them it cost me my energy and time and I can’t be wasteful with such precious things and I cannot waste it trying to encourage change in someone not willing to live for themselves.

I will surround myself with people who are dreamers even if they have dreams some might consider crazy they still have dreams aspirations and goals for themselves and for the future and are actively trying to reach them. want the people around me to be dreamers. I want the people I love in my friendships and in romance to have ambitions and always be reaching towards them even if they stumble or take a break for themselves at times they never give up and they always get up and keep reaching. I will always be a dreamer I will always be someone who fights for myself with myself to change and get to my goals and dreams that will always be me. That is me. My best friends have been and now will always be dreamers. the woman who comes into my life that I will want to spend my life with will be a dreamer who doesnt give up who doesn’t need to be taken care by me or anyone. She will be a fighter for herself and her dreams.

I will continue dreaming and reaching for my goals for happiness and for ME.

[wang-yeon]

Hypnotic| Jungkook 2

You begin to realize that after this process you begin growing an attachment to Jungkook. You began to corrupt that he might hold the same feelings for you, to which he might but is there another longing body getting in the way of this?

part 1

Warning: Smut, possible daddy kink?,usage of weed Jungkook needa get his shit together honestly in this chapter, making a part 3 definitely cause i need to add to this hoe, oh and of course cussing sorry

Genre: Smut, slight angst 

 word count: 8.4K

A/N: To the anon who wanted me to make a part two i finally made it and am sorry it took so long. I know your request went along the liens of him coming to terms with his feelings which he sort of did but  promise in the next chapter he will do just that. Again i deeply apologize

Growing an attachment to something especially when its being another human can be an exhilaration feeling yet a flesh eating one as well. The emotions that come from it leave you a dying hunger for more while it sucks you dry due to what its causing. In this case everything was connecting me to Jungkook. 

Messing around with Jungkook had its perks and i certainly wasn't aiming for this altercation to happen again but due to his charming ways he sucked me in like a cold leach. I had to admire his way of doing so, it was truly hypnotizing how he did it so effortlessly. I had told myself numerous of times that i wouldn't fall for his bullshit yet here laid following after his every need.

I had been attending his football games more, leading to the head board hitting the wall as he gathered every thrust. I had grown an attachment to him and in a way he seemingly did to. He was often around me more than others. He showed a certain amount of care that I had never expected from him. It was reassuring at most but still had the nagging presence of him longing for another body besides mine. Just the simple thought of me thinking this made my stomach churn. I dont know why i felt such way as i promised myself I wouldn't let it escalate this far but I couldn't stay away from his trance, which irritated me to the point of insanity. I had tried to quit more than once as he always came to me with that bunny filled grin and his strong arms as he held me tight chasing away all the thoughts i once had.

The situation didnt help as he had his arms wrapped around me bringing me in close to his chest. My nostrils were filled with the savory aroma of his body only fueling my mind with actives we did last night. That was the only deeds that i would let flow my head. I would stray away from the romance and stay strict to sexual favors as i would only get attached further more. I was already trapped but i didnt want it to seem even more evident then it currently was.

I slightly moved opening an eye attempting to see where my phone had been held. It laid on the dresser as i attempted to move my hand only for Junkook to groan and gulf my whole body into his chest. It was funny how when he was asleep he became so clingy yet when we were outside of the bedroom he had proceeded his tough guy persona. He was at times but not entirely. The more we grew closer the more i felt like we grew in a some what twisted relationship. I couldn't believe i even let those thoughts usher through me but it was surely true.

I had given up on my strength relying on my words as i tried to wake him up.

"Hey, we have to get up. I have practice in a few minutes."

Jungkook held me tighter motioning off my statement groaning.

"I rather be in between your legs than go to practice."

I rolled my eyes but smirking at his sexual behavior. He sure was a teenage adolescent whos dick was uncontrolled. he did this often as he would get any chance to roam his hands upon my body. I surely wasn't complaining but it was not the time to do so as i was already being threatened to be kicked off the team.

"Come on, you have to practice too and i actually attend your football games so you better not suck."

Jungkook frowned as mentioned him not coming to my games. I hadn't known why as it didn't effect me nor him. That was the one big problem I had about the situation was that in some way he would always show a sign of unwanted affection. I knew it was some kind of trap to pull me in further so tend to stay away from it and try not expect to much from him. I tried to maintain myself that way at least. I mentally trained myself to fly past all of his cocky bullshit until it all could come crashing down.

 At times you often give into the forbidden fruit but it sure wasn't worth it however i sometimes couldn't help the flavor that i gained from it.

"I know i told you i was sorry thousands of time."

"Its fine, it doesnt affect me in a positive or negative way. As long as i get shit done ill keep moving."

"ugh i hate when you're like this. Why cant we just stay in bed and fuck, that seems much more appealing."

The idea was certainly appealing but i wasn't willing to risk my soccer studies for him. I hadn't even been very well interested in soccer but it kept my minds off of things and now and days my mind wandered every place. 

I often thought about Jungkook which irritated me and how much i actual put time aside for him as i tried to find myself a better hobby. Being Jungkooks fuck buddy certainly did have its perks and i loved being associated with him in private places but i didn't know if he had others that he shared this place with. I was bound to find out sooner or later.

I twisted myself from Jungkooks grasp making him groan and watch as i gather my things. I had only been sporting my undergarments as i searched for the rest of my belongings. I had a hard time looking for my shirt as we flew things left and right not caring where they would land. i groaned in desperation trying to find the rest of my belongings and Jungkook wasn't helping as he got behind me while i was bent down.

"Baby you know i cant keep my hands off of you when your positioned like this."

I rolled my eyes but still remained as smile at his flirtatious remark. I pushed him away trying to find the items before he pulled me into his chest. He surely was difficult to escape from making it another reason i was so drawn in for i couldn't find a way out. I would complain at times but i always secretly loved it. A very valid reason why i should stay away but as he offered sexual favors i couldn't resist.

"Stop Jungkook, we have to get going im sure were already late."

Jungkook was surely stubborn as he didnt mind a blink to what i say as his hands traveled to my waist. I skimmed the room trying to find my items before my eyes landed on my pants only for Jungkook to grasp my ass and bringing me closer in proximity. I swear this boy couldn't control his dick for a few mere seconds. I loved how attracted he was to me and if we had different circumstances i would definitely join him in his actions. Jungkook still proceeded to continue his actions as his lips traveled to my neck making my eyes flutter and decide to take up on his offer. 

He never had a way with words yet his simple touch had me melting even from the thought. I moaned slightly as he began to grow more aggressive as he smirked in victory at the effect he had on me. My hands danced on his chest while his still Mendel with my ass 

."See princess, doesn't this offer feel much more exciting."

His lips dipped down to my collar bone as my head rolled back. His tongue skimmed across my collar mindlessly leaving small marks that were sure to be visible. I was certainly enjoying the activity between us as i let out a small moan.

"mmmh, Dadd-"

“Jungkook can your horny ass keep your dick in your pants and stop tempting this poor girl. Oh and also daddy? This society really is going to shit."

I jumped slightly away from Jugkook while he stayed still while his room mate Yoongi entered the room uninvited. Yoongi had sometimes managed to walk in on us but still maintained his distance as he knew what would occur from to much closeness. Besides Yoongis awkward timing, he was rather nice at times but still reminded as blunt as he truly is. Yoongi always talked about how Jungkook and I always were over hormonal teens who needed to be disinfected but still kept up with us. Yoongi occasionally asked us about his lyrics and see what they were made of as we were people of constructive criticism. He always appreciated that but couldn't help as things got weird the more i stayed around.

 He was bitter in the beginning as he thought i was a lost groupie only to be found at there house a couple of days of the week. He had gotten use to my presence as i did to his. It still remains strange the more i stay around feeling as if i was out of place but as long as they stay comfortable with the circumstances I must as well

"Sorry Yoongi."

I nodded signifying that I was as well. I grabbed my pants as Jungkook searched for his as well. I was still in search for my shirt before settling on wearing one of Jungkooks. I didnt think anything of it at the time as it was only a clothing item and didnt hold any special meaning. I slide it on while also putting on a jacket over it zipping it up to take pre cations. I wasn't leaving this house without a shirt on so any shirt was find even if its Jungkooks shirt.

"Alright now thats taken care of do any of you need a ride cause your high school is around the corner from my college?"

I jumped up on the offer nodding my head long before Jungkook looked at me as if i had made an awful decision. By the looks of his eyes he wanted to attack me and not in a sexual desire way either. Yoongi picked up on his state as well while he eyed him occasionally looking at me, overall he seemed confused about the situation as was I.

"Um, I'll need a ride Y/N do you mind taking an uber? I just dont want people at school to catch on ya know."

Yeah I did know but i wouldnt expect him to pull something so provocative. It may have seemed bad on my side showing up with the schools fuck boy but rather for him he could have easily showed me off as a latest hook up. Was i really so disgraceful that i couldn't even play this simple part. my eager feelings for him but i couldn't help contort my face at the simple thoughts of his words. 

I couldnt take it all to heart as this was expected but i didnt want to accept the slight pain in my heart due to it. I admitted how he made me feel yet he treated me like absolute shit. He was sweet at times but the flavor switched to a painfully bitter one as time passes.

"You're such a dick."

I couldnt control my state of mind as i was fueled from anger. I was already late for practice meaning extra laps and now Jungkook was fucking with my emotions yet again. Best of all he didnt let my statement affect him as he shook it off and held a bored blank stare. 

I glared daggers at him expecting him to respond only resulting in him in rolling his eyes at my behavior. Yoongi was stuck in the middle of us both eyeing us back and forth awaiting the next move until the silence was enough for him.

"Well could you at least pay for the the girls Uber, have some fucking decency."

We both looked at Yoongi surprised he put his input. He rarely got in the way of our mindless conversations let alone a mini argument. Jungkook sighed and ushered to his wallet looking through it rather slowly. He scratched his head letting out a small groan signifying he didnt have any money or that he simply didnt have the need to give me any. 

I shook my head waving him off telling them i would pay for it. I was far beyond his bullshit and had enough of what it was causing today. Knowing well of myself was sure to fall back into his trap with open arms.

"I dont know if i can do this anymore Tae, the whole thing is draining."

Tae and I had been under the bleachers passing a long needed Joint to one another. I hadn't found a purpose to participate as when arrived I had missed half of the game play. My emotions had also been scattered and I needed to talk them out instead of kicking a ball around.I took a long drag before coughing slightly, taking a deep breath after gathering my thoughts. 

Tae grabbed the joint taking a long puff getting ready for what he was going to say with full forced.

"Y/N, you know i love you but you cant stay away. You're getting to attached to him. You yourself knew from the beginning that this would be a dangerous game and hes playing it to his best efforts."

I rubbed my eyes getting annoyed by the situation and the weed sure as hell wasnt working all to much. I wanted to forget about the pain he was causing me but if i hadn't just gave in i wouldn't have been experiencing this at all. I was to blame for this but that doesn't mean Jungkook was innocent as he was the one inflicting these emotions. I couldn't stay away from his whole being.

Tae was right at times and I tried to deny it but i was growing a liking to him

."My best advice to you wound be to accept what you're feeling wither you tell him that or not. You need to know what you're feeling."

"I know what im feeling not as of now but i know whats gong on. The only thing i i dont know is if their is someone else, my heart wants to just implode at the thought."

Just imagining him with another girl made me feel dirty and used. I hadn't liked the thought of his hands roaming another person, I wanted to be the only one he experienced this with. I was being selfish but when you grow an attachment to another person you wont be able to get those kinds of thoughts out of your head. I was hooked on Jungkook and I hadn't known how to handle it so i turned to my best bet being I hide my emotions for him. That way he wont see the damage hes causing me while will truly know as i feel the pain inside.

"I dont know so naturally i cant answer that however i do know that will hunt her down. If you want we could randomly ambush him and see if hes with another girl?Im free as of know?"

I waved Tae off not taking up on his offer. I hadn't been able to go as far as borderline stalking him to see if he had another interest. There was a part of me that thought of the idea as a good one but it would overall cause more problems. I took the idea as a light hearten joke as i pulled one last puff before dis holding the joint.

"Well whatever you decide to do I’ll support you."

Tae ruffled my hair bringing us in for a hug. He really did make me feel better in stressed moment where i saw no hope. I gave into his hug loving the feeling of his comfort. We pulled away after hearing the coaches whistle signifying practice was over.I straightened myself out as Tae asked if i wanted to grab something to eat to which i declined. 

I had just wanted to go and curl up in my bed watching TV trying to figure out what was going on. Tae nodded on understanding with the confusion clogging my mind.

"Alright well, get some rest remember we have practice tomorrow too."

I nodded and waved after Tae as i made my way to the parking lot. I groaned in realization that I hadn't had a ride as i relayed on an uber.I was left with the choice of doing so again as i mindlessly clicked on the awaiting app and stated my information.I put in my headphones to pass the time hoping it will all pass smoothly. It gives me enough to to rely on my thoughts and what to make of them.

 I hadn't been to aware of what they held but i could feel the power behind his touch and raspy voice making me quiver before him.I was growing a fond feeling for his existence and recognized small things about him. I even recognized his hands as they traced against my waist as he brought us closer in proximity.

 He gently brought his lips closer to my ear letting out a small breathe before saying anything. This action was enough to effect me in the slightest, an emotion i still hadn't known. I was trying to figure out what it was but again i didnt want to know what it was out of fear so instead i focus on his steady voice.

"Hey baby girl."

I turned my body around leaning slightly against him, pressing us together. I had completely let what Tae said slide past my head. Jungkook had been beaded in sweat from his practice making my mind go foggy with sexual themes. He certainly did know how to tempt people maybe even without noticing it and it always seemed to get me in trouble one way or another. 

I had so much anger built up that i didnt care about the consequences as i wanted the feeling to be replaced with another, wither it be a split second or mere hours.

"Hey, daddy."

Jungkook was taken back by my words but licked his lips enjoying the feeling that lingered with my words. He looked around the parking lot as if he was looking at making sure no one was to see his actions that were soon to happen. Jungkook smirked as his hands traveled to my ass giving it a quick squeeze. His nose began to travel against my neck as he intcipated hs next move making me shiver at the thought.

"I think you should finish what we started this morning? Dont you think baby girl?"

I bite my lip at the thought but couldn't help but think if it entirely would be a good idea. It could only fuck about my emotions about him and or anything else even more. Did I really think that this one moment shared between our to bodies would be worth the overly intense feeling to come. 

As of now my body was in control and i was straying away from my mind as it was a mere prisoner under jungkooks control. My body acted as a free willed product not caring about the affect and it not feeling any emotions. It was a good way to Disraeli my feelings as i follow Jungkook to his car to rid of the things in my mind and focus on my body.

I had seated on Jungkook lap on wearing my underwear while Jungkook wore his boxers. We had raced through his house in a minutes notice. We had been attached to each other knocking items we thought as useless down till we reached his bed room. Clothes were being thrown around the room not caring about the destination as we focused on each other mouths. 

 I hadn't always entirely focused on just that aspect of him while we shared moments like this. I forced on his hands and how they raked my body giving areas slight more squeezes and tightness than others. His muscles would often flex once in a while at my small moan or as things intensified.

 His mouth was of course a thing of its own as it held specialty. His lips often traced my collar bone while his tongue slide across my neck leaving bruises he was proud of but my by far favorite was when he combined his tongue and mouth. He would use this to his advantage as he would lap up my juices but also suck playfully on my clit. He held many talents and I did my best to explore each one as it was a new puzzle piece. 

As of now his tongue was battling for dominance with mine. We both knew how it would play out but the teasing made things ever more exciting. His tongue explored every inch of mine as if trying to find secrets lying beneath it. I tried to keep up with him as i did the same only resulting in our tongues to mix together.

 I slowly began grinding on him aiming to take control of the dominance we were both seeking. Jungkook let out a small groan before gripping onto my hips and responded with force. Jungkook was always one for competition, he was a football player overall he took everything as a challenge.

I felt him smirk as we continued planning for his attack. I was intrigued as what it was going to be but couldn't help have a certain amount of nervousness from what was to come from his actions.

 He was unable to read and this trait certainly didn't help as of now. I needed to know what lied next as i would be prepared so i sit there on his lap still following as what we were doing before.I travel my hands to his hair gripping at it tightly. I had grown comfortable taking in his breath and relying on his tongue. 

I felt at peace and wasn't expecting anything Jurassic, however sometimes being to comfortable can cost a price. I felt as Jungkooks hand squeezed my ass bringing me from my state making me gasp as he took full dominance. He smirked into the kiss glad that he finally accomplished his waited goal.

Jungkook quickly flipped us over as i was now underneath him while he eyed me hungrily. The stare put me at a boost of confidence feeling that he needed me now. It always did provide good feelings when you felt needed wither it be sexually or emotional. My body had been set on sexually desire seeking for the exhilaration my body could consume in on take of his touch.

 His mouth latched onto my right nipple circling the bud around in his mouth. I felt my nipple go hard while t was in his savory mouth. He grabbing my other breast as he felt it was being neglected. He often gave it a firm squeeze while he massaged it.I had been a moaning mess all while he was doing so. 

My hands coursed through his hair longing the way they slipped through my fingers yet provided a good comfort. Jungkook hummed as i moaned enjoying the pleasure he was causing me.

 Once in a while he looked up as i met his lust filled eyes. He squinted his as wanting to make eye contact only for me to throw my head back in pure pleasure before he unlatched his mouth causing me to pout.His face inched up to mine, exclaiming my features.

"I think your pretty pussy deserves to be fucked. Dont you princess? You want daddy to fill you up with his cock?"

I nodded my head eagerly at his statement. Just his words were enough to send me into a pool of wetness. I had already been wet when we first arrived in the apartment but as time passed on it only began to intensify. His cock was sure enough to fill my desire and needs of sexual frustration. I took the hint that i was perceived as the same for him, making the time spent welly acquainted.

"Use your mouth baby, I love it when you use it."

"Yes daddy i want you to fill every inch of me with your cock."

Jungkook licked his lips enjoying the sin that rolled off my lips. He slowly took off my panties making sure he took a look at my women hood enjoying the wet state he caused it to be in. He directed his index finger across my wet folds as i shivered and moaned at the feeling he caused. He smirked in success at the deed he caused.

 He always kept a smirk on his face as he always was able to complete these actions to his fullest. He was cocky because he knew what he could do had affects on people in good ways that made him feel empowered. I wouldn't blame Jungkook for this as if I held this i would certainly use it my advantage. I didnt have the affect he did but i had enough for Jungkook to be lusting over me. It wasnt enough to make me full blown cocky but surely fulled my desire. 

I licked my lips as i eyed his hands that traveled to his boxers. I was glad that i semi had the same affect on him, of course his affect was stronger but i still manged for him to want to go through with this.His hands slowly pulled on the helm of his boxers before they pooled at his thighs. He rubbed himself slightly closing his eyes before posing himself. He looked at me with the same lust filled eyes that held eagerness. My eyes most likely read the same as my body reacted to what was to come next. 

I always loved the moment before we actually had sex it was a moment of 'are we really going to do this, again?'. We always managed coming back to each other for the same desired thing and nothing more. It was the same route but not as we held different feelings each time.

 Jungkook slowly directed his cock into my women hood letting out a small groan doing so. I bit my lip not wanting to let out a loud moan as it was to early. I closed my eyes tight concentrating on not moaning, occasionally letting out small noises that didn't amount to anything. I knew Jungkook didn't like when i held back in any situation, so why would this be any different. He wanted me to let it out instead of keeping in as it fueled him to keep going. I could feel his hands dig into my hip and the slight stare in my closed eyes testing my theory. 

I could feel his pace start to slow down as he pressed his chest against mine. His mouth directed itself next to my ear while his fingers traced along my waist line and began growing higher. I knew he had been aiming to tempt me into coming out of my shell and not being afraid of doing so. He licked his lips as the click of his tongue ran across his lower lip signifying he had something he wanted to get off his chest. 

"Its not good to keep it in baby girl, make daddy proud and show him how much you mean to him."

I kept my mouth shut as i felt his hand inch up my abdomen. I had let out shaky breathes feeling his cock slowly rub against my walls as well as his fingers reaching to my breast. Jungkook all while managed to whisper in my ear bringing me to my brink. He knew it was working as i began painting loudly but didnt usher a moan past my lips. Jungkook wasn't one to give up as he certainly loved a challenge as i was providing one before him. He wanted to make me moan and he was putting himself to the test with his best efforts.

His lips nibbled on my neck making its way across my collar bone seeking for love bites. His right hand gabbled my breast giving them the attention they deserved while they perked in his hand. His left hand rested against my waist meeting his slowly long dragged thrust. All of these were reasoning to give in and they seemed reasonable. I couldn't focus on just one as they were all coming at me creating one continuous feeling making me feel the need to release it.

"Ah, fuck."

I had whimpered it under my breath making Jungkook perk up slightly. I felt him laugh against my collar bone at my easy fail. I was weak for his touch and if he hadnt figured that out before he was sure of it. I had been hopeless when it came to him as i experienced things that where no one ever made me feel before. He pushed me to my limits without going to far making me crave for something i had been longing for. Jungkook took the moan as an advantage. His once slow pace soon jolted into a powerful thrust brought out of no where making another moan tremble from my lips. 

He was no longer smirking in victory as he was slightly moaning as well from the sudden change in pace. He licked his lips once more before following the sudden pace. Jungkook met every pace as beads of sweat began to trickle down from his forehead.

 I continued to let out mindless moans embracing the emotions that were coursing through out my body needing to be release.His hands dug into my waist as he used leverage to get a better spot to hit. The room was filled with skin against skin and our moans mixing together in utter euphoria. 

The feeling was overwhelming as i closed my eyes trying to take every emotion in.I had been feeling every sexual desire that was flowing throughout my veins. I felt the lust in my eyes travel around my whole being as if it was being consumed by it.

Jungkook stopped in pace as i opened my eyes to see what the hold up was. He grabbed a hold of my leg attempting a knew position with hungry eyes. I was getting myself ready as i aimed to close my eyes before i heard Jungkook shout in protest at my attempt. I whimpered seeking to close my eyes trying to coop with the feeling taking over my being but seeing Jungkooks lust filled eyes sent me into over drive.His hands gripped onto my thighs as he hit each thrust with aggression. 

My eyes slightly fluttered before Jungkook let out a loud groan signalling for me to open my eyes. Each time i disobeyed him his pace only increase in speed making it ever more difficult to follow his request. I moaned each time he thrust into my core as he followed along. I grabbed a hold of my breast to try and find something to take my mind off of this. 

Jungkook could tell that i was breaking down and having the need to look away making a smirk form on his lips.

"If you look away i wont let you cum baby girl. I wanna see how good i make you feel, can you handle that princess?"

I couldn't rely on my words as i was already struggling to not close my eyes. I simply nodded my head looking into his irises trying to met his request. I wanted to repay him with the thrust he was bolting throughout my core sending me into a fiery blaze. 

Jungkook soon tilted his head back as he was reaching his climax as was. His neck had bulged out as his Adams apple bounced while he was bracing himself for his climax.I let out a loud moan signifying i was reaching my brink as Jungkook barred his face in my neck letting out a long moan.I heard a faint ringing as i reached my climax assuming that i had been over whelmed by the experience.

 I felt dazed as He filled his warmth inside of my walls surrounding every inch of it. We had planned ahead on birth control as it made the whole experience ever more intensifying and by my knowledge we had only been having intercourse with one another.

(Still wrap your dick before you stick!)

Jungkook milked our orgasms letting out a few more thrust before resting against my body. I could feel his breathe tickling against my ear. I heard his faint giggle run across my ear making my heart flutter at the noise. My mind was set back into action after my body had gotten what it longed for. Those lively minutes of fucking my feelings out had been terminated and i was now in control of my mind. 

It had been scrabbled do to the actions that had just occurred. In fact I actually knew what i was feeling but didnt want to bring it to the surface as i didnt want to accept it. Jungkook lifts himself from my body resting his nose against mine and proceeds to look me in the eyes. His once lust filled eyes had turned into something i couldn't read yet was addicted to it no matter the emotion. The eye contact made me realize i hadn't fulfilled my actions but it didn't matter as he didnt need to see with his own eyes how good he made me feel. I was practically waiting for his every move awaiting to see the weight that would be held on me.

 His next move was directed to my lips as i felt him slightly smirk while we deepened the kiss.The light ringing came back to my ears but only grew louder and for a longer period of time. I assumed that it was due to emotions that he was yet again causing me but was drawn out of that as vibrating occurred. 

I slightly pushed Jungkook away trying to find the location of this noise while he looked at me confused, oblivious to the noise. My eyes darted to the phone as his eyes traveled to where mine were glued to. It hadn't been my phone as i didnt hold much friends. Tae wouldn't be calling me as of know as i told him that i didnt want to be bothered and left alone with my thoughts. 

This leaving it to be Jungkooks phone and no one could possibly know who was contacting him. He most likely had hundreds of people listed under his phone making him not even come close to who was calling, However maybe he did. I hadnt known Jungkook as much as i had and maybe the person who was calling did.

"Arent you going to get that?"

Jungkook slightly groan kneeling on the bed moving the side table taking a peak at who had been calling him. He held his phone in his hand as i tried to read his facial expression. For once his facial expression was read able. whoever the person who was behind the phone was able to make him actually expression his emotions, opening up to them not being afraid as he knew them well. His face had been a mixture of joy and annoyance.Most likely annoyed at the timing but none of the less excited that said person decided to give him a proper text. 

He didnt hesitate to type before he stopped turning his head to look at me. His emotions had then been hidden forming a straight line as if nothing had happened. Even with his stone cold poker face i could notice the wheels in his head turn as if making a decision on the spot. He quickly typed and set his phone back down before crawling back next to me.His front had been pressed against my back as steady rubbed my sides in a comforting motion.

 His lips had been traveling along my jaw line making me hum and forget about the previous events. I had been focused on this very moment loving the artificial emotion it was providing. It felt as if he wanted me to be consumed by his entire existence and the passion that it came with. What had been done between us moments ago was sure enough to drag me deeper into his affection and his next words were enough to send me into oblivion.

"You know i care about you right, baby?"

It hadn't been confirmed that he liked me but he certainly did care for me meaning that we were on the road to what i longed for. Hell maybe i was far gone from that reasoning but i had been high on the affection i was feeling that i had been believing anything thrown my way. 

I started believing my own feelings as well, I had cared about him too possibly even more.It scared me how in the beginning i had secluded myself from him and now i had been opening my true feeling up for myself. I had cared for him and i hardly knew if his care was an act or the real thing but i was taking it for as it is. I wanted to believe it was real, so i was going to see it how i wanted to.

"You don care about me?"

I had overthought the whole time that i hadn't had time to say anything in relation to his comment. I already knew the answer to it as it was rather easy but the true question was if really should share what i felt with him.

 I hadnt known that his true emotions held as he never should them off to me, for all i knew he could be laughing in my face due to my answer but never show the true feelings. He held that poker face making things harder on me and my emotions but taking up on Taes advice maybe it would be easier.

 I had just accepted my feelings and maybe i needed to let someone else in on them to make me understand them. It was a really difficult to let it out and maybe he would take it as a light heated joke but i knew it was real and that all the proof i needed"I care about you,Jungkook."

Jungkook hummed against my ear giving my hips a quick squeeze in reassurance. He kissed the shell of my ear in a passionate way making sure he made his care evident. truly did feel cared for under his touch making my heart flutter at the new fond feeling it had been longing for.

"Sleep tight babe I'll see you in the morning."

His body had left mine as he turned around and sleep away from me. My warm body that was engulfed by him soon turned cold longing for his care. I knew it was still there as i he stated it but needed to feel it. He showed it for a few mere seconds yet it was still enough to leave me in a daze. I was under his control and i wasnt capable of my actions that it sent me into a trilling yet terrifying daze. I was slowly finding out that i was falling for him but i couldn't see if his arms were open wide to catch me.I had tossed around finally waking up as my alarm clock rang off.

 I had woken up thirty minutes prier than what i was supposed to walk up around. I was surprisingly getting more serious about my soccer practice which slightly scared me as i didnt put much dedication to anything. I turned my body around with my eyes still closed feeling around for my phone to hit the alarm before i gave up on my strategy and asked Jungkook for his assistance.

"Jungkook, can you please turn the alarm off?"

I waited for him to do so only as it continued to ring off. I sighed taking that he was still asleep before i finally grabbed a hold of my phone. I turned it off with a sigh asking myself if getting up was worth it while staying in bed seemed like the perfect alternative, but me being the good person am decided to get the job done. Firstly starting off with why Jungkook didn't have the decency to turn the alarm off.

"Jungkook you could have easily turned off the alarm. I swear you better be asleep or im gonna be your-"

I turned around on the other side of the bed as i wasnt greeted with his reassurance but rather an empty bed. I huffed out as i was talking to myself the entire time making me feel slightly dumb, However i was more worried about where Jungkook had went off to. I couldnt worry to much as he couldn't have gone anywhere to drastic perhaps he went to football practice early. 

Jungkook always valued how well he played as he wanted to be the best, so my mind automatically drifted to so. I had no time to worry as today was set about me and how well i was going to preform meaning i needed maximum energy.I made my way into the kitchen and proceed to make coffee before sitting on the coffee table checking my text massages between me and Taehyung. I mindless texted him about practice and other things in our life before the closing of a door brought me from my thoughts.

 My attention was brought to a sleepy Yoongi who was sported in his boxers and messy bed head. He hadn't spotted me yet so i decided to make the frst move.

"Morning, Yoongi i made some extra coffee. I know youre most likey tired from all the musical writing last night so have some."

Yoongi slightly jumped at my being still being fresh out of sleep and processing things. He seemed weirded out that i had been here this morning without a care. He still manged to grab a cup of coffee and accept things as it s as he sat at the table with me. I sipped on my coffee along with him as i set down my phone wanting to indulge in a slight conversation.

"So how is the music coming along?"

Yoongi looked up slightly in confusion that i actually was willing to make this situation seem some what normal. I didnt know why had been in such a great move, possibly due to last night and my dedication to my soccer as it would befit me. I was actually dong something good for myself and i couldn't help but feel good, along with an extra boost from Jungkook. I had just wanted to share it with Yoongi as he was the only one here

"Um good, just a few bugs here and there but nothing but a little fix."

I nodded my head with an encouraging smile before sipping on my coffee looking around. I felt Yoongis eyes on me but decided not to look into them as i was afraid what he might say. Maybe i had been acting slightly weird but i couldn't help it as i as in such a good mood and i didnt wan this judgement to ruin so.

"Hey um, Why are you so nice?"

"Uh i dont know. I guess i just have stuff to look forward to."

I had been confused by his sudden question. It certainly was an odd question to ask someone but i was still intrigued by his question as what it held. Did he have a reasoning behind his madness or was there no secret to hold. Was he just asking this to get underneath my skin to make me annoyed or did he want to tell me something lurking underneath his skin.

"Sometimes people take advantage of that. Youre a kind girl and even though i dont know you well enough i know you dont deserve this." Yoongi had always been one to not express his emotions, in ways he was like Jungkook but he wasnt. Yoongi never messed with other peoples feelings always telling them how it is while Jungkook snuk his way into the situation even if you wanted it or not. Yoongi never cared about any of that as he never snuk into things, if you didnt like him he didnt like you. He was blunt and honest and as of right now i wanted him to be as blunt as possible and tell me what was going on."Yoongi what are you getting at?""Jungkook. Hes been seeing another girl."He had said it slowly enough for me to process it yet i didnt even want to process such thing. He had just told me. I was such a fool for Jungkook that it had all became a blur to my enter view on the world. Jungkook had just spoored out what  thought were his feelings to me last night but they were all proceeded as lies

."When you arent here she is. shes taking up the place that you once filled."

It had been harsh but Yoongi was always blunt and this was one of the situations he had used it to his advantage. I had been grateful he was able to actually sit down and tell me what was going on under my nose but was always bitter about it. I hadnt that i knew this was going to happen but i continued to let it pass with a blind eye. I was a idiotic fool for Jungkook letting him slide with every slippery move. All the lies he commenced and the disbelief i once feed myself with were all apart of my sick imagination. 

Of course Jungkook wouldn't be able to fall for someone like me as we were in a way different but then again we werent. We shared the same sex drive but viewed it different. Mine led up to a romantic field while his was strictly this or that. I hadnt managed to usher a word as I was alone with my thoughts. Yoongi still eyed me hoping for a response as the news wasn't something to be taken lightly. It was something that was deeper than what he cold muster, especially when the whole problem stemmed from my doing.

 I was the one that accepted his offer and feed into it. I couldn't blame anyone but myself and i needed to get that off of my chest.I opened my mouth to respond to what Yoongi had said before the door opened reviling Jungkook himself. He hadn't noticed that we were seated at first as he held a small smile on his face and closed the door lightly. Jungkook seemed as if he didn't have a worry in the world as he closed that door probably, as if he had completed a longing accomplishment. 

The victory soon drowned out to a misery as he was faced with us unexpectedly. His facial expression changed quickly as he viewed us, attempting his emotions which were displayed fairly well. It was to late as i had caught him in the act. I didnt want to come to my senses but i knew that i could no longer sit back and act as if i knew nothing was happening. I had a feeling his hands roamed another body but didn't want to come to terms of being replaced. I was no longer valuable to him anymore but what was valuable was time. 

He arrived exactly three minutes before the time i was originally supposed to wake up for practice, this giving him enough time to get situated and sneak in playing off anything that has occurred. This didnt happen overall as he planed, he was caught but playing it off. His charm still stayed along with his bunny smile making me want to forget every wrong act he had made and justify it as a early morning football practice. 

I knew it wasn't but a part of me wanted to believe it was he waltzed into the kitchen with a worry. He was oddly calm making the situation awkward while me and Yoongi were aware of what he was doing to me without my knowledge. Now I knew and i couldn't stop letting the thoughts get to me so, i consumed them and took them in believing them.I wasn't going to let him step over me and if straying away from him was what it took i was going to follow through with it.

 Jungkook had offered me a ride to which i didnt dismiss as it was simply a ride. I stood up looking around the house as it would be my last trip before my disappearance. There would be no way i could show myself in the house again as i knew that other bodies laid here with Jungkook. I could sense that Yoongi felt the same for me as he stood up from the table watching me leave. 

Jungkook exited first as I followed after closing the door slightly before Yoongi stated once more before my dismissal.

"See you later."

He knew i wouldn't. This term was was sometimes used when you would depart a dear friend but would later reunite in the end of circumstances.  Yoongi and I had neither been friends nor would we see each other again as the information i had revived made thing clear on my own path. 

I had been grateful for what Yoongi had informed me on but always managed to gain pain from it. No matter the pain i hope it will turn into a strength giving me the power to walk away from him. I couldn't however as everything remained me of him so  I would have to managed to cut things that once or still do belong to Jungkook out that including Yoongi. He seemed nice and caring but i never got to sit down and have a civil conversation that didnt rely on Jungkook and now i certainly cant have this be fulfilled. 

I would also lose a tiny bit of myself as i grew attached to him. I was losing important aspects of myself to some fuck boy i didn't give a shit about eight months ago and now i was giving things up for his useless soul. I was trapped in his charm and I was working on an escape route. 

It would be a longing plan that would take getting used to but it would surely be taken into action. His once cold hands that grazed against my thigh sent a warmness throughout my heart but as of know his cold hands were all but they were.

Cold hands that sent a ever longing shiver in my icy heart that he was responsible for.

[chriscanwell]

New Post has been published on Develop Attraction

New Post has been published on https://www.developattraction.com/live-in-girlfriend-doesnt-want-sex-rebuild-sexual-attraction/

Live-In Girlfriend Doesn’t Want Sex - Rebuild Sexual Attraction

If your live-in girlfriend doesn’t want sex, this article will show you how to rebuild attraction and get her to want you again.

First, let’s take a look at an email from a reader who is going through this exact same problem. My response can be seen below in bold.

Note: all names and personal information have been changed for privacy reason.

Hi Chris, I have had a 4 yr long relationship with a girl who left me in early March of this year. She went to live with another man for 6 months. It was devastating to me, but amazingly enough she came back to me three weeks ago and is now living in my room with me again after being away for 6 months. 

To be honest, I’m surprised you wanted her back after she left you to go and sleep with another guy. It is a very hurtful situation for you and it’s never a good idea to take such a woman back (from both a practical and emotional point-of-view).

She says that she was not happy with the other guy. When she returned we were both very happy and our first sex was great, but after that it went back to bad sex. We have a strong connection, but she says that she is not sexually attracted to me. It is again devastating to me. 

Why did she leave you in the first place? That’s the problem I have with this situation and my biggest concern so far. You got her back because she realized that the other guy wasn’t as good as you, but only because he was making mistakes—not because she was so head over heals in love with you that she couldn’t leave you.

She doesn’t know if she wants to have me as the man of her life, but she realizes that we can’t have a relationship without sex, the problem is that she is just not feeling it for me as she did when we first started. 

She left you for another guy and the original reason why she left hasn’t gone away. It’s still there, lingering beneath the surface. The moment she comes back to you, those issues are re-activated again and she starts to pull away and lose attraction (just like before).

The problem now is that she doesn’t feel sexually attracted to me. I’m no novice when it comes to women, but the problem is that we lived, and live, together and have a strong attachment to each other. Every night we cuddle and kiss, but it never escalates to sex, and when it does she stops it or just lies there to do my thing while she is passionless. It’s horrible. She wants to be sexual, but she can’t bring herself to feeling it for me. 

It sounds like you have become too close and comfortable with this girl. You hold each other close, kiss each other and cuddle every night, which is great for building comfort and attachment, but not so great for building sexual tension and desire. It’s often difficult to have both components in place. Attraction and love are too very different beasts that you must handle differently.

I love this woman and I wonder what I should do. Should I Try to gain her affection back or forget her? If the passion was there again we would both be willing to jump full on to marriage and more, but it’s not. We live together only because we want to, for now. We are both financially independent. 

Please help,

Roger

It’s good that she is financially independent and not trying to rely on you for total support. She is getting emotional support off you at the moment and this is why you are both so attached to each other. 

It sounds to me as though you are attracted to her, but she has lost all attraction for you. So this leads us to that all important question (s): what is attraction and how do we rebuild it when it’s gone?

Attraction Is Different To Love

The first thing to consider, as I mention in my book Atomic Attraction, is that attraction doesn’t grow in warmth and comfort. It grows in uncertainty, challenge, mystery, tension, and unpredictability. 

If you spend all your time being nice and sweet and loving to this girl, you will suck all the tension and sexual attraction out of the air. This is why your girlfriend doesn’t want sex.

The same goes for spending too much time hugging and touching and kissing. It does bridge the distance between you, but this is the problem, there is no space for attraction to grow.

This leads us on to another important point. You need to have space in the relationship for attraction to grow. If you live with a girl and see her all the time, there is no space. There is no mystery. And she no longer feels excited by your presence.

Attract Her While Living Together

I once had a reader with a similar problem (let’s call him Joe). Joe lived with his girlfriend who was ten years younger than him. His girlfriend no longer wanted to have sex with him and she no longer found him attractive.

Joe was devastated by the loss of attraction and he felt his manhood slipping away from him every time he tried to make love to her. He would try to talk about the problem with his girlfriend to no avail. 

The problem wasn’t that Joe wasn’t attractive, he was. The problem was that he had lost all confidence in his ability to seduce his girlfriend. 

The other major problem was that he was in constant contact with his girlfriend, touching her, hugging her and always being available to communicate.

Space, Mystery, and Tension

Three things were needed to restore attraction in this scenario: First, Joe needed to bring some much needed space back into the relationship. Second, Joe needed to become a mystery and a challenge again. And third, Joe needed to bring sexual tension back into the relationship. 

Let’s break this down into three parts, if you want to get this girl attracted to you, first you must bring space into the relationship.

If you live together that means being less available and being away from home more often. Mix up your routine. Come back later than expected. Spend more time doing things away from home. Focus on yourself, instead of focusing on her.

This way you will get your girlfriend to think about you and miss you more. Then, when she finally does see you again, she will be more inclined to want to have sex with you.

It’s also important that you become a mystery and a challenge to your girlfriend. A woman must feel as though she has to work to win you over if she is going to value you and find you truly attractive. 

Women Need A Challenge

So how do you become a mystery and a challenge? Part of this comes naturally from bringing more space into the relationship. The other part comes from being less emotionally open and communicative.

I don’t mean this in a negative way. Don’t be passive aggressive here. What I mean by being less emotionally open and communicative is to refrain from talking about your feelings and the relationship.

If you’re always telling your girlfriend how much love her, miss her, care about her, then you’re going to kill mystery. You have become an open book and she is gong to get bored with you fast.

You have to make her think about you and wonder if you really do care about her. The moment you stop telling a woman how you’re feeling and stop talking about the relationship, she will have the freedom to think about you and wonder where you’re at emotionally.

The moment you do this, you get your girlfriend re-focused back onto you and thinking about you again. This is crucial if you want to rebuild attraction here.

Increase Sexual Tension

The third part of rebuilding attraction, if your girlfriend doesn’t want sex, is adding sexual tension back into the relationship.

Tension, again comes from space, distance and mystery. She thinks about you, she misses you, she craves your touch and presence again. All of this leads to an increase in sexual tension.

The other, important component of tension, revolves around touch. If you touch your girlfriend too much (hugging, holding and general touching), you will kill attraction because you’re not allowing enough space into the relationship.

I’ve seen couples go away on romantic weekends together, only for the woman to refuse to have sex with the man once they got to the bedroom. The reason?

The man spent the entire weekend walking down the beach holding his girlfriend’s hand. He then proceeded to hold her close and hug her as they sipped drinks by a roaring log fire. 

When it was time to go to bed, what happened? The women already felt emotionally satisfied and sexually satiated. She didn’t feel a pressing need to draw closer to the man and have sex with him. 

If the man had spent the entire weekend allowing the woman to come to him when she felt ready, sex would have happened naturally.

The Three Steps to Attraction

To recap, if your live-in girlfriend doesn’t want sex, follow these three steps: (1) Bring space into the relationship; (2) be a mystery and a challenge; (3) bring more sexual tension into the relationship.

If you implement these strategies and find that they still don’t work, you might need to add some dread game into the mix in a couple of weeks if your girlfriend is still reluctant to have sex with you.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful. 

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep. 

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies. 

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that. 

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_. 

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be. 

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit. 

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions. 

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant. 

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche. 

theyre right.  the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we? 

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution. 

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories. 

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking. 

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people. 

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs. 

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies. 

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt. 

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free. 

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.