#i can kind of understand the triggering one though like I'd probably try to put it in a nicer way

[tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang]

Thank you, I'll probably just wait, I confronted one of them before, they would ignore my messages for days but post on social media when we had eachother followed :/ . Anyway they completely ignored my attempt and started changing the subject lmao I stopped reaching out to them and I haven't got a message in almost a month. Another friend blocked me cause I was too much and too triggering, I mean sorry I'm suffering and I'm looking for support???

I ghosted and then blocked some friends too in the past so maybe I shouldn't complain that much. It still sucks you know

Well that doesn't seem like very nice behaviour from them. I could understand if they just wanted to be alone or maybe accidentally didn't see your messages (I do this all the time). But like days at a time??? That's a bit much.

[stuckysimp]

I'm like 8 years too late, but oh well - I've had this Captain America Civil War rant stuck in my head for a while and I need to get it out after re-watching it. (This is gonna be long af, but bear with me).

I feel like a lot of people missed the actual point and plot of the movie (and the marketing definitely didn't help). The whole "team cap vs team iron man" stuff becomes irrelevant after like the first 20 minutes of the movie. But of course, it's still quite a big part of the movie and I'd like to take a moment to explore what I think, the different character motivations are around why they signed or didn't (or would / wouldn't).

The only reason Tony "I successfully privatised world peace" Stark signed the accords in the first place anyway is because of his massive survivors guilt complex which we see triggered by the woman who approaches him at the end of his speech to the MIT students. Like this man does not give a single shit about the government, and much like Steve Rogers, he just wants to keep people safe. Unlike Steve, however, he doesn't trust himself to do so and thinks of himself needing the be kept in check, for someone else to take the blame (though he'd probably internalise it anyway, let's be real).

Rhodey has always kind of been more on the side of the government, even if that meant going against Tony - think Iron Patriot - so it makes sense that he'd want to sign. He understands that a group as powerful and dangerous as the Avengers needs to be kept in check, but what he doesn't understand are the risks around that. In a perfect world, it would be fine, but unfortunately government systems are stupid and corrupt.

Peter was only really in the fight in the first place because he was a child blindly following this big celebrity guy he idolised. He didn't know enough about the situation to properly analyse it, just being fed and believing whatever Tony told him (and he had no reason to go against him, so why would he? This was his shot, he's been chosen by THE Tony Stark to help). "Mr Stark said you'd say that" "he said you're wrong, you think you're right, that makes you dangerous." I 100% believe that if Peter had read the accords, that he would have been on Steve's side anyway.

Vision is an embodiment of 'good' and 'peace' - essentially everything that Ultron was supposed to be, but wasn't. He has no reason to be against the accords if it will keep people safe and he makes the point during their conversation of "our very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict ... breeds catastrophe. Oversight ... oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand." It's also very much the beginning kind of puppy love between him and Wanda in this movie, meaning that he will want to protect her. No matter what. Even if it means "locking her in her room."

Nat was seriously one of the only people in this movie with a brain cell lol. I firmly believe that if the accords had been properly put in place, she would have followed them until she no longer thought the government's instructions were 'right' and would have gone against them anyway. Her main goal in this movie was trying to keep the Avengers, her family, together and ultimately do the 'right' thing.

T'challa didn't give one shit about the accords lmao, he's damn king. No, he was only there in the first place to take revenge on his father's death (which at the point of the airport fight scene he still thought it was Bucky's fault. He later discovers, after following Steve and Bucky to Siberia, that it's Zemo's, and locks him up).

Steve's concerns with the accords are valid, and honestly I wouldn't have signed them either. To be told "sign, retire, or get locked up" isn't really a big winner for me lol. And the thing is, Steve's done this. He fought in WW2, he got paraded around like some big hero while men died, and he did nothing. It wasn't until he went against orders, that he actually did something helpful (saved the captured 107th division in Azzano). So, no, he's not going to be side-lined when people out there need help. That's just not who he is.

Bucky had no part in the accords, and as soon as he got introduced into the movie, that plot point became irrelevant. He was framed by Zemo, and then used to rip the avengers apart. The accords was just another log to add to the fire at that point. He followed Steve because "till the end of the line" and all that. He literally, heartbreakingly, says "I don't know if I'm worth all this," but he follows anyway.

Scott, much like Peter, is kinda just happy to be there. He's following CAPTAIN FREAKING AMERICA into battle without hesitation. But like, let's be honest, given his whole movie and character, I very much doubt Scott would be on Tony's side if he had read the accords.

Clint got dragged out of freaking retirement for this shit, and he didn't actually get involved until after Team Cap already knew about Zemo. That's why he's there. Not because of the accords, but to help Steve get to the Quinjet to get to Siberia and stop Zemo before he can go through with his assumed plan to wake up the five super soldiers who'd been stashed there. (Of course, this isn't actually Zemo's plan, but we'll get back to that later).

Wanda is going through some serious self loathing during this movie, and the incident in Lagos doesn't help. Like at all. Ma girl just wants to live her life and be left alone at this point and she's getting all of these horrible things thrown into her face by Secretary Ross. She doesn't want to be controlled, she doesn't want to be a weapon, she wants to be free. "You locked me in my room." - Girl already probably hates Tony Stark due to her family being killed by one of his bombs and Ultron, so she's mad anyway.

Sam is on Steve's side from the start. With the accords, to fight Zemo, all of it. During the 'discussion' between him and Rhodey, he says "So let's say we agree to this thing. How long is it gonna be before they LoJack us like a bunch of common criminals?" He doesn't trust Secretary Ross, and is clearly hesitant to add his signature to the accords. (not that I blame him).

The main actual villain and 'plot' of the movie after the first part with the accords, was the whole thing with Zemo wanting to tear the Avengers apart to get revenge for his family dying in Sokovia. He takes advantage of the accords, and of Bucky / The Winter Soldier to do this but it's not really discussed which annoys me. It's a MAJOR part of the film, yet all I ever really see being discussed are the accords affecting the decisions of characters throughout the film with no consideration of the wider picture.

From when the UN meeting is blown up, the Avengers are being manipulated by Zemo working in the background throughout the film. He frames Bucky for murder, and Steve - who has been looking for Bucky for the past 2 years - goes after him like ‘tf man’. Bucky gets taken in and Zemo uses the opportunity to activate the Winter Soldier programming, learn about Hydra’s super soldier program, and of course - “Mission report. December 16, 1991.”

This leads to Bucky’s escape and attack, Steve and co going on the run, and eventually the airport fight. The meaning of this scene gets lost, I feel, when people relate it back to the accords because it’s not about that anymore. Not really, not for anyone. Especially not for Steve, or even for Tony.

Tony at this point, most definitely feels like his world is being torn apart. He’s losing control, he’s spiralling, and Steve just isn’t listening. He’s blinded by his anger to the bigger picture and he just wants to get a handle on the situation to deal with it further.

Steve’s forgotten all about the accords, his priority is keeping Bucky safe and stopping Zemo. He tries to tell Tony, tries to talk to him, but Tony isn’t listening either. I mean their whole interaction just before the fight shows this:

(the dialogue below has been condensed to show the key lines - basically I got rid of other characters talking irrelevantly)

-

Steve Rogers: Hear me out, Tony. That doctor, the psychiatrist, he's behind all of this.

Tony Stark: Anyway, Ross gave me 36 hours to bring you in. That was 24 hours ago. Can you help a brother out?

Steve Rogers: You're after the wrong guy.

Tony Stark: Your judgment is askew. Your old war buddy killed innocent people yesterday.

Steve Rogers: And there are five more super soldiers just like him. I can't let the doctor find them first, Tony. I can't.

- later -

Tony Stark: And you've been a complete idiot. Dragging in Clint. 'Rescuing' Wanda from a place she doesn't even want to leave, a safe place. I'm trying to keep . . . I'm trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart.

Steve Rogers: You did that when you signed.

Tony Stark: Alright, We're done. You're gonna turn Barnes over, you're gonna come with us. NOW! Because it's us! Or a squad of J-SOC guys . . . with no compunction about being impolite. [Steve looks aside.] Come on.

-

Not to mention that Tony, after learning that Zemo impersonated and killed the actual doctor dude that was supposed to see Bucky whilst he was in confinement, he DISOBEYED the accords and Secretary Ross to go and help Steve stop what they thought at the time was the reactivation of the five super soldiers who'd been left in cryo freeze.

He follows Steve and Bucky to Siberia to help them, not to fight them. That only changes because of Zemo showing the footage of Bucky, WHILE UNDER BASICALLY MIND CONTROL, killing Tony’s parents.

In this scene, Tony 100% has every right to be angry. Unfortunately, he’s the kind of person who cannot see past his anger. He gets in his head, he spirals, and he tries to kill Bucky based on blind rage. (IT WASN’T BUCKY’S FAULT DAMMIT).

And yes, Steve was 100% in the wrong for not telling Tony. This whole scene could have been very easily avoided if Steve had just pulled Tony aside and had the difficult conversation about his parents death. Tony deserved to know, and Steve was only sparing himself pain by doing it. Dick move Steve, 0/10.

The fight between the three allows Zemo, having successfully completed his plan of eliminating the super soldiers and tearing the avengers apart, to slip away. With his work done, he tries to end his own life, but T’challa stops him and arrests him instead.

Steve and Tony’s fight was unnecessary, dramatic, and heart-breaking, and I’m very glad they managed to make up later, but ye. I think, at the end of the day, they’re all just dramatic idiots with communication issues lol.

-

Thank you for reading my long ass essay lmao, apparently I have a lot of feelings about this movie 😂

[amethystina]

When do you think Yo Han fell in love with Ga On? I've always speculated that he fell in love during the show but maybe I'm wrong. Was it after the show ended? What moment triggered that? Just wanted to hear what you think :D

I personally think he fell in love during the drama, yes. But whether or not he realised he was in love during the drama is another question entirely. Though there, too, I'd say yes for my personal headcanon, most likely during the one-month time skip between the explosion and the hearing.

In that very classic: he and Elijah go off to Switzerland, he's suddenly without Ga On for an extended period of time, and that makes him go: "... well, fuck."

Because Yo Han is nothing if not aware of his own emotions (even if he likes to pretend he doesn't have them) and he would notice just how much he misses Ga On. And that the way he does it is unlike anything he's ever experienced before. And, eventually, put two and two together.

So the trigger for him realising is distance and his trigger for falling in love? Just... Ga On in general? x'D Like, I don't think there was one specific thing that made him fall in love. I think it happened in stages, one little piece at a time as Yo Han kept building his understanding of Kim Ga On. Because Yo Han likes to know how things work and study their components, but he probably didn't expect just how many of Ga On's he'd end up loving.

Like: oh, challenges me. Oh, he's actually really clever. Oh, he can cook. Oh, he's kind to Elijah. Oh, he's loyal. Oh, he's cute. Oh, he learns quickly. Oh, he's cheeky. Oh, he's playful. Oh, he's fierce. Oh, he's kind to me.

And so on and so forth.

Basically just a series of puzzle pieces that Yo Han collects and eventually he's just there. He's in love. Because to someone like Yo Han — who sees so many facets of a person and can read situations and people so well — I don't think one moment or one aspect would be enough? I think it would have to be ALL of Ga On.

That's not to say that he has to find every single trait Ga On has to be good or lovable, but I do think he needs to be fascinated. Intrigued. Curious. And that's why he's so fond of Ga On's darker side because it's exciting — it's an interesting, unexpected addition to this otherwise soft, doe-eyed young man. It stands in such stark contrast to Ga On's morals and righteousness that Yo Han can't help but want to see more of it.

And that's also why Yo Han loves how quickly Ga On learns, adapts, and picks up on Yo Han's methods. How quickly he adjusts and fires back, how quickly he can start turning Yo Han's own tricks against him. It's like Yo Han is trying to solve a Rubik's cube but if he waits too long, the colours will have swapped places when he wasn't looking.

And he absolutely loves it.

Long story short, I think Yo Han needs someone complicated with a lot of depth to keep him busy and engaged, and while Ga On might seem plain at first glance, he's definitely not. That boy not only has hidden qualities but is also clever and stubborn enough to give Yo Han a run for his money. And, clearly, that made Yo Han fall in love — and will make sure he stays in love.

So yeah. Something like that, I guess? I hope that answered your question xD

[austajunk]

I'm not the person who requested it but I LOVE Overcompensating (the makoyomi omegaverse fic), so I'd like to request a sequel with 2, 10, and 16. Maybe Makoto uses the information that Yomi is an omega as blackmail to let him claim him as his own? :3

Awwww, it's so nice that someone is out there pulling for a request that someone else made. I'll gladly write a little sequel to Overcompensating (it will be added as a second chapter on AO3).

Triggers: Dub-con, Humiliation, ABO, and Breeding

Fic under the cut.

"Ungh..."

Yomi Hellsmile lifted his head. He was splayed out sloppily across multiple fancy cushions. Tufts of shredded bedsheets were piled into hills surrounding him on the bed. As he raised his head and shook off the grogginess of his deep sleep, he realized that both of her hands were slick with a somewhat translucent fluid. Glancing down with an angry twitch in his sharp jaw, he caught sight of his own cock flaccid between his legs. The head was quite swollen, and even brushing against the soft blankets made him want to dry-hump the pillows. It felt mercilessly soft against his naked body.

What had happened the previous night? The director groaned and ran a frantic hand through his unkempt crimson hair to try and think back. His body was light, but his backside was sore. Left with a needy cock he nursed between his legs, he could only experience a sense of bitter frustration at his surroundings. "That masked freak's penthouse," he spat. Makoto must have dragged him into his bed... and probably taken advantage of him. He wouldn't put it past that freak, but he couldn't understand why all the blankets and sheets were torn to shreds and placed in piles beside him.

As he leaned forward to brush his sensitive chest against one of the fluffy blankets in front of him, a light clinking brought his attention to a small, steel chain drooping from his neck. Hissing, he let his hand travel up his chest to tug at a leather collar. "What the fuck is this?!" He growled, his nails digging into the garment.

Like that, it started to come back to him. The previous day where he had gone into heat and revealed his status as an Omega--his jaw clenched as the thought ran through his head--and in front of Makoto Kagutsuchi no less! He was screwed. Worse than fucked. That masked freak knew something any of his various underlings at Amaterasu would cut their wrists off to hold over his head!

"When I get my hands on that-!" A light chuckle cut Yomi off.

In the corner of the room, on a long and cushioned bench, the masked man laid with his head propped on his hand. It wasn't as though Yomi could read his expression, but he could practically feel the smirk oozing behind that mask. Makoto's laughter dripped with a fair bit of amusement, making Yomi's stomach churn with rage and regret.

"And here I thought I was being a kind soul by letting you stay here for a few days. I wasn't even going to send you my dry-cleaners and damages bill," the masked man chided Yomi. He gave a shrug, looping a strand of pale hair around one of his fingers. "After all, not even Yomi Hellsmile can be perfect when he goes into heat."

"You sick bastard!" Yomi seethed immediately. He launched at his opponent, only to be yanked back brutally by the collar around his neck. "You fucked me-! Of... Of course you did... couldn't help yourself, could you?!"

Makoto barely gazed in his direction. Instead, he inspected his nails. "I wasn't the one whimpering and trying to jerk off all over my floor, silly," he said with another chuckle. "But I understand if you want to think of yourself as different and above your own needs. That's just soooo you, Director."

"Shut up! Where the hell have you brought me?!" Hysterical, Yomi jerked his hand at the mountains of blankets beside him. "What is all this?! Are you trying to mock me?!"

The smaller man sat up and shook his head. A sigh escaped behind his mask. "It's called nesting. Or building a nest. You would know this, I assume, if you had any idea about your status as an Omega-"

"I AM NOT AN OMEGA-!"

Despite the red-haired Omega screeching about his predicament, Makoto merely swung a leg across the opposite and watched him with ease. Yomi continued to thrash against his collar and leash like a beast, leaving Makoto to be somewhat thankful he had discreetly secured the foundation of the chains to the wall. Hopefully, it would hold out, but he anticipated the Director to be unreasonably upset. In a sense, he almost felt sorry for Yomi, having to face his existence as a subservient class of beast beneath him.

Well... he almost felt sorry for him, he reminded himself as he watched a crack form in the structure of the lavish walls of his penthouse.

Makoto raised his mask. Desperate times called for desperate measures, especially since he was quite fond of his living conditions. Yomi dropped pathetically into one of the pillows, his eyes straining as he tried to tug himself free from the leash. If the appearance of Makoto out from under his mask shocked his Omega, he certainly made no mention of it. But that was alright.

Locking his cold, undaunted gaze into Yomi's eyes, he said firmly,

"Yomi."

It cut through the air like a bullet straight into Yomi's ears. He froze on instinct at the tone of Makoto's voice, an involuntary shudder running through his nude form. A need took root in Yomi's senses. His eyes dilated sincerely. Without hesitation, Yomi rolled onto his backside, raising his arms like a puppy desperate for its master to caress its stomach. His cock was half-erect already, hardening for his Alpha so he could present for him.

"Good," said Makoto gently. He stood up and stepped over to Yomi's side on the bed. Like this, the Director of Amaterasu was quite appealing. Under the call of an Alpha, Yomi's gaze softened, and his posture opened to Makoto. Even when he knew better, he wanted to stroke down his chest and give Yomi a scratch behind his ear. With that slender body of his, not quite athletic but not untoned, Yomi was going to make a delicious Omega. Makoto ran his eyes freely over the body before him, from Yomi's sensitive nipples to his leaking cock. It was all for him. Even if Yomi couldn't understand it, his hips were even starting to jerk eagerly towards him. He longed to be touched, to be caressed by a master.

Makoto sighed. As nice as it would be to shove Yomi out the doors and leave him on his own while the heat consumed him, it would alert every Alpha in twenty miles to come and claim him for their own. Even Yomi did not deserve such a fate.

And besides... Makoto narrowed his eyes at the Omega.... Sleeping with Yomi the night before made the Amaterasu cretin his, didn't it?

"Wha...What am I...ha..." Yomi sputtered. Coated in a new layer of heat, he trembled.

When his senses returned to him and he realized what he had just done, the color drained from Yomi's face. He quickly scrambled to obscure his body from Makoto, covering himself up behind the blankets. Fleeing felt shameful. Everything was shameful!

"What have you done to me?!" He hissed to Makoto, wincing. "How did you make me-?"

"Because you belong to me," said Makoto simply. He knelt to Yomi as he slipped off his jacket. The way Yomi's chest rose and fell excited him. As much as a slave Yomi was to the instincts he tried to ignore, Makoto was a slave to his own needs too. It thrilled him to watch Yomi shudder and fight himself, to have watched him hump the pillows and whine the previous night for the ounce of satisfaction he so desperately desired. Yomi Hellsmile was a beast of a person, but now he was reduced to the real thing in front of Makoto. How could Makoto not love him for it?

Shedding and kicking away his pants and underwear, he reached to stroke down Yomi's hair. Yomi hung his head, dazed and lost in confusion. His body wanted to respond. He lurched forward like a lost pet, urging his cock against Makoto's bare thighs.

Makoto's tightened his grip into Yomi's hair, earning himself a whine from his Omega's lips. It had to be like this. It would be simple to mount Yomi and take him as he pleased, but he had to establish ownership of him. He had to take responsibility.

Yomi growled, but Makoto held him tighter. His other hand snaked across Yomi's jaw, jutting his thumb to trace his sharp teeth. "The more you try to deny your status as an Omega, the more pitiful you truly are, Yomi."

He shoved Yomi's head down forcefully between his legs. When Yomi opened his eyes, he found himself face to face with Makoto's erection pressing to his lips, the bulge of his knot before him. The salty, bittersweet scent filtered through Yomi's nose, making his mouth water. He gurgled childishly, licking his lips and quivering. His ass remembered the shape of that knot inside of him.

"You are my Omega... but only mine," assured Makoto, holding him to his crotch to make him.

Precum slathered across the redhead's lips. Yomi couldn't help but to take some of the salty essence in his mouth. It tasted good. It smothered his mind in that stench, but like a cat, Yomi wanted to roll around in it. When had he become so low?

Makoto continued. "Clean my cock and get me wet, alright?" He lowered and gave Yomi's ear a possessive nip. "The wetter it is, the easier it goes inside of you... and if you please me... perhaps we don't need to register you as a true Omega after all..."

He clutched Yomi's hair and swept his hand down his back. The heat seeping through Yomi's body made his cock pulse. Being so close to Makoto's body heat was getting him drunk off that sweet, rum-tainged scent of his.

Yomi couldn't resist. His mouth took the CEO's cock inside, tasting him. He wanted to melt. Hungrily, he licked and sucked on the large knot, savoring each time it pulse in his mouth. His eyes rolled upward as Makoto groaned, stroking his hair sweetly.

"Yes... like that, Yomi..." Makoto uttered. It felt cruel to take advantage of Yomi when their proximity was melting his inhibitions away. But he had to breed him before another Alpha took his place. Yomi was his responsibility... "Watch your teeth now...ngh! ...heh... or don't..."

The sharp canine had just barely grazed Makoto's sack. It made the CEO pause, but his anticipation shot towards the heavens. He grinned and pulled his knot free from Yomi's greedy lips.

With his cock slathered in Yomi's hot saliva, he flipped the Omega over on his stomach quite easily. Pressing his cock to his backside, he waited for Yomi to shudder.

"You... ha... you fucker..." Yomi grunted. He wrapped his arms around a pillow in front himself, baring his ass to his master.

"It's alright, Yomi..." Beneath Yomi's legs, Makoto stroked his cock and gave it a few pumps. Then, he inched forward and slipped inside of Yomi's warm depths. The redhead whined, launching his back upwards. Makoto bucked in turn, slamming back with another thrust to fit more inside of him. He groped Yomi's ass, then gave it a merciless, surprising slap.

"FUCK!" Yomi cried. He raised his ass higher, the sting burning into his flesh. It felt so good, so addicting. He was stuck in the thrall of wanting more and the fear of what would become of him. It was then that he realized... he had no choice anymore. His instincts flooded his thoughts and drowned his mind in urges. Panting like an animal, he took Makoto's cock with each thrust as it hammered that fleshy knot inside of him. One thrust, two thrusts... three... and it was within his ass, binding them together again.

"Fuck... fuck....ah....no...." He couldn't help it. Even in front of Makoto, Yomi broke down and wept. His eyes were burning. It was too much. There was too much inside of him. The knot pulsed inside his ass, making him bury his nails into the white sheets as the tip of Makoto shoved against his button. The pleasure snaked through Yomi's cock, leaving him sputtering and unintelligible. Again and again, Makoto gripped his ass and fucked him.

Yomi knew. Between the tears that he fought back against and the brutal fucking he was locked in, he knew he was an Omega. He was submitting and worse, he didn't want to stop submitting. He buried his face and came against the white sheets beneath. Thick ropes of cum coated the bed and his thighs. He collapsed and still, Makoto fucked him again and again, stirring him up all over once more.

Behind him, finally, Makoto let out a pleasured groan and buried himself up to his balls inside of his Omega, letting out three spurts of hot cum within Yomi. He collapsed atop Yomi, letting his lips find his lover's neck. Yomi complied with him, even if he growled. It almost made Makoto chuckle. He certainly didn't expect Yomi to ever be easy.

But for now... Yomi was utterly his...

The children forming inside of the Director of Amaterasu Corporation were going to be strangely blessed by a newly domesticated Yomi Hellsmile.

[thewoodworkssystem]

So I’ve uploaded the third chapter in my SDV story on Ao3, here is a snippet of the highlights (trigger warning because this chapter gets pretty heavy and has a rape scene, I’m sorry in advance to all my fellow Haley lovers, the plot took on a mind of its own 😭😭)

"Hello, my love. I was hoping I'd have more time before you got here. I have to run an errand real quick before we start our date, I'm so sorry for the inconvenience." She looked so genuinely guilty as she set the glass and the bottle of wine down on the kitchen table.

"Don't be sorry, what's the errand, maybe I can help?"

"No, no! I wanted to surprise you by making my best dish for dinner tonight and I had it already cooked all I had to do was put it in the oven but I went to look for it just a few minutes ago and it wasn't there. Haley must have taken it out of the fridge, seems like something she would do even though I specifically told her not to eat it. So I'm going to run to Caroline's real quick, I called her and she's already making another one so I'm just gonna go help her finish it up and then bring it back to you, okay?” Ollie seemed very understanding of the whole situation despite the fact that the whole Haley part irritated her a little and she smiled and said,

"Sure, I'll just wait here on your couch." Emily smiled back at her, kissing her briefly before she started to walk towards the door and say,

"I'll only be a few minutes, I promise." And with that Ollie was left alone in the house, she sat down on the couch just like she said she would and waited but was only really alone for a moment before the front door to the house opened and Haley walked in.

"Um, what are you doing here? I thought Emily told you we're having a date night tonight."

"I know, she's only mentioned it like a million times, I'm well aware."

"Then why are you here? You knew we planned on being alone." Haley smirked at her and moved closer to the couch, a little too close for Ollie's comfort,

"I had plans tonight too. Why else do you think I took her stupid god awful bean dish?" After saying that she moved to sit in Ollie's lap without any warning at all and Ollie shrunk back against the couch uncomfortably.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

"Trying to have sex with you, we probably won't be able to finish before she gets back but that's okay. That's kinda part of my plan too." Haley started to undo the buttons on Ollie's nice button up shirt, the shirt she had worn specifically to impress Emily. This whole outfit was for Emily, matter of fact Ollie herself belonged to Emily, how dare Haley try to mess that up.

"Have you lost your mind?! What in God's name makes you think I'm just gonna go along with this?!"

"Oh please, don't act like you don't want to, I know you've thought about being with me from day one. I'm just giving you the opportunity, sweetheart, you should take it." She tried to kiss Ollie but the gray-haired woman pulled away, her equally gray eyes now glaring up at Haley.

"Haley, you're a beautiful woman, I'll give you that. But you're not as irresistible as you think you are. I'm not going to cheat on Emily just because you have some kind of weird rivalry issues with her and you always want what she has..."

"I don't have a rivalry issue with her! She's nothing compared to me, I could have anyone I wanted, why do you think I'm dating Alex? I told you before this has nothing to do with her, it's you. I want you, Ollie, you're the only person I've ever wanted who didn't want me back and I'm gonna make damn sure you end up with me tonight." With those words Ollie grew a little cautious of Haley, the woman was clearly determined to have sex with her right now and she didn't know how far she was willing to go to get what she wanted.

"Get off me Haley, I'm telling you no." Haley tsked at her and instead of listening to her demand she used her body as a blockage, trapping Ollie between her and the couch.

"That's too bad because like I said, I had plans for tonight, and I'm not going to take no for an answer."

So that’s the end of the preview because it gets a little too much after that if you catch my drift… but if you wanna read the rest here is the link, I promise the chapter ends on a good note!

[maifrenthebesto]

Sometimes I like to deliberately leave certain spheres of internet presence because I become dissatisfied in some regard about the integration of the services and my own schemas, and as I notice things aren't exactly what I'd want them to be, or they simply stop serving the purpose it once did.

Taking breaks is an important part in getting a thorough understanding of the subject that is being inquired as part of the learning process, I think that my ability to differentiate between different kinds of potential readers adds an element of the unknown to the reader until it sort of hits ya, and there's something in there that you related a little too hard on. And maybe that's because this is where I came to be hard on myself because I saw it, and wanted to see what I could do with it.

There was a time when I first moved here where I was talking to a girl, and she was toying around with knowing that I was into her, and sort of made myself look bad for taking it too far after being trashed. It was a long time ago and now it's whatever but then again, she suggested I tried Tumblr for the first time, and I didn't really get it.

Maybe there's something about that here, but then again probably not, it was literally whatever."

I was happy to think about being with someone who cared for me for a change, but there was never a real base to change from, it was just a very ambiguous, but then again literally everyone told me it was not going to end up well, cus I was new and they knew her, but I think that was part of what I liked about her, I'm sure the tits had nothing to do with it.

I think I just wanted to help her at the end of the day, and wanting to help has put me in the position to love, and overjoy, know their hearts, and it is easy to forget that we're all unique, there's something to love out of everyone.

I don't know if I'm getting the whole Tumblr thing any better this second time around, but it's fun to try, and I also try to make it fun to read, ya dig?

The hilarity about the situation is that bringing it up also acknowledges lecture and processing of some degree for there to be a comment that raises the necessity of a question, so with that in mind, the paragraphs are written live in our world, with the questions the reader is having ahead are beamed to me through some unknown mechanism, call it intuition, and I write in a way that answers those questions in a cohesive manner with the text being transcribed from my mind.

I know a lot of it is pseudo bullshit, I agree, nothing I hold here is proof to back any claim, but how about you? Have you experienced a proof yet? They don't come to everyone, but there's at least one for everyone.

I don't think that anyone who could consider me a viable option could justify themselves ignoring that this exists, and while I think I would prefer if it was avoided until a reasonable level of investment was already put into the relationship, it's like in chrono trigger, Lavos is available to fight all the time, but it's not beatable right away, unless you got them CRAZY setups, not too crazy though. (it's only too crazy if it doesn't work and when I notice, then it wasn't crazy enough)

Oh but ethics breach is a turnoff too, so lotta yall besties can't do much, and that's not good for me either you see I'M TRYNA.

But like, it's chill.

I've learned a lot about myself you can be sure about that 💯

[carlyylovee]

Annual Letter 2023

Dear Carly,

Hi. Another year, another letter. Honestly, this year was pretty good. Sure, these last few weeks have been not so great in terms of health/maybe academics and being where you want to be but you have to remember that you are where you're at now because you had to put some sort of effort in lol. Anyways, yeah this year was maybe not the best in terms of anxiety and having that under control, but honestly you made a lot of progress with the ups and downs of that and kind of understand what might trigger it and the steps to get back on track. I say you're doing pretty well for what you have. This year I'd also say you got to explore a lot. You travelled to places that made you feel happy and spent time with people who you care about. I think though, that you still make excuses for a lot of things and that you still have trouble getting out of holes you dig yourself. This year has taught me a lot about how to be mentally strong and identifying parts of myself that I could maybe work on more. This year was the start of third year, which is supposed to be the hardest year of medical school and probably will be BUT you just finished the outpatient side and the hard part begins in like 2 days. Not going to lie you're really anxious about starting but also excited because I think inpatient is more what you're interested in. I also really hope you're able to narrow down what specialty you're going to go into but we'll see. I believe in myself. I think this past year studying for STEP and taking STEP was one of the hardest, most nerve wracking thing you've ever done. But, it was also the thing that made you feel the most relieved after you passed. I think you could be even more amazing if you just tried a little harder and stuck to a plan, but I know that's always been hard for you. You like to do things (maybe not like but are lazy?) at the last minute and everything always ends up alright which is why you keep doing so but you know its not going to last forever so you need to start practicing self-discipline. Also this year your best friend got married, and that was a whole fiasco in itself and it honestly still doesn't feel real. You are really blessed to have good friends, honestly. I know that medical school has been super busy so maybe hanging out with all your friends has been hard, but try to make an extra effort to keep those connections. Just because you know they'll be there for you forever doesn't mean to take them for granted. Also, take care of yourself. Starting this year you need to get back to a healthier lifestyle and I promise it will help with everything else. This past year has definitely taught you that. I'm proud of you for achieving what you have and pushing yourself to go places and do things even if it scares you. Try not to be so hard on yourself but also learn to practice self-discipline. I have a feeling inpatient will kick your ass lol but I hope you never stop trying, thats all you can do. I believe in you. AND, things will fall into place once you get yourself to where you need to be mentally and physically. (Also be nicer to family even if you get stressed out). I'm proud of how you've been able to be independent and strong, I think a lot of people don't realize how hard it is. I'm glad you have this time for yourself, things will happen when they happen BUT don't just go around expecting things to fall into your lap like fate or something. I believe in fate to a certain extent but now more than ever this past year I've learned to believe in doing things you want and trying hard to reach your goals by working hard and taking risks. I hope more than ever you learn to take risks this next year. I love you. Let's try our hardest next year (#hwaiting lol).

Love,

Carly

[casspurrjoybell-29]

Healing Ties - Chapter 17 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

They finished breakfast with Lucas, gathered their belongings and started off on a long day's walk to their final destination.

As they left, Yore noticed Fanner kept glancing around.

"Are you looking for someone?" Yore asked.

"Oh, uh, no. I mean... yes, I suppose so, actually. I haven't seen Cookie at all this morning."

"I can do a quick run and try to track her down if you like but she's probably down in the mines and I can't do tunnels."

"Oh because of the..." Fanner shook his head. "No, it's okay. It doesn't really matter."

"You know, I'm still surprised how quickly you took to her. It takes most recently freed mages a little while to even adjust to something like me."

"If I'm honest, I liked the attention, even if she only liked me because of the emotional energy I give out. There is nothing more typical of a Companion than being desperate for attention."

Yore laughed.

"Yes but they're not normally that self aware about it. At least not so early on."

"Hmm."

"I get the feeling this isn't the beginning of your journey away from being a Companion, though. Lucas mentioned that you told him that the people you were with before this hurt you routinely."

"Oh, um. Yes."

Fanner picked at a loose thread on the shirt Lucas had given him.

He seemed determined not to look at Yore.

"Was he not supposed to tell me that?"

Fanner shrugged.

"I didn't ask him not to."

"I think he thought that it was important I know, given that I'd already unintentionally put you in a particularly distressing position out of ignorance of your experiences. I understand if you'd rather he hadn't, though."

"No, it's okay. I would just rather not talk about it. At least not in detail. But you are right. I'm already used to the idea of not being a Companion."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Well, I wasn't terribly good at being a Companion, so I suppose it's no real loss. Though I'm not sure I'm much good at anything else, either."

"You're good at giving massages."

"I am."

Yore smiled.

It was good to hear him have confidence in himself in at least one thing.

The only other thing he seemed to like about himself was his physical appearance.

Considering his training there were almost certainly some awful things mixed up in that but there was no denying he was handsome.

He had the kind of good looks that made Yore want to reach out and touch him when he looked at him sometimes.

Not even really in a sexual way.

He was just... drawn to him.

He'd met other Companions, of course... Lucas was one by breeding and though they looked similar to Fanner they had never triggered quite the same feelings in him.

Perhaps it had more to do with the circumstances under which they'd met and the protective role Yore had taken on.

They reached the border of the dwarves' territory and stopped for a quick lunch, then continued on down the barely existent dirt track through the territory they called the swamp lands.

The part of it they were walking through wasn't actually part of the swamp, which was a good thing because the swamp was extremely dangerous.

The swamp bordered the far edge of the territory and ensured nobody passed through.

Yore's hearing wasn't as good as it used to be and it had never been fantastic in this form but he was becoming more and more convinced that they were being followed.

He couldn't smell anything over the distinct odor of the swamp and it had so far stayed out of sight but he was certain he wasn't imagining things.

Yore held a hand up to signal for Fanner to stop walking and calmly put the bag down.

"Something's following us. I'm going to take my clothes off in case I need to shift quickly."

Yore took his shoes off, tied the laces together and slung them over his neck.

"Whatever I tell you to do. For some things I might want you to run so that you're out of the way of any danger. Other things might want to separate us or might not be a big enough threat for you to run away, so you're better off staying nearby."

Fanner nodded.

"Okay, um. Yes. How will I find you again if I run away?"

"I'll find you, like I did last time you ran away. I'm a wolf, remember? Just run until you feel safe, hunker down and I'll come and find you. If I tell you to run."

Fanner's lips moved, silently repeating the words of the last sentence Yore had said back to himself as though he were afraid he would forget the instructions.

He nodded but he still looked unsure of himself.

Yore was just shoving his pants into the bag along with the rest of his clothes when he saw something leap from one tree to another closer to them from the corner of his eye.

It was fast and agile but definitely smaller than he was.

He reached his arm out to guide Fanner behind him.

Something leapt from the tree and Yore started to move but his brain caught up with his eyes by the time it hit the ground and he let out a breath of relief.

"Cookie," Fanner exclaimed as he moved out from behind Yore. "Why were you hiding, Cookie? You scared us."

"Maybe that was the point," Yore murmured as he set the bag down and prepared to get his clothes back out.

"Oh, is my passive fear not good enough for you anymore, Cookie? Because it's more than enough for me, thank you very much."

"No wonder I couldn't smell anything. It's probably too subtle for you to notice but she always smells a bit swampy. This is probably where she came from."

"Aw, you're the cutest swamp monster, Cookie," Fanner said as he patted her head.

It made a gross tacky sound.

Yore smiled as Cookie butted her head against Fanner's stomach, playfully pushing him backwards as she chittered.

It was good to see Fanner relaxing and opening up a bit.

He had heard pets could be good for that, although Cookie was admittedly a rather unconventional choice.

As Yore watched them, his smile slowly morphed into a frown.

Cookie wasn't just playfully butting Fanner with her head.

She was intentionally pushing him backwards, away from Yore.

Fanner would try to get around her to come back and she would block his path and push him back more.

Yore cautiously moved towards them but once he was closer it became clear that it wasn't himself Cookie was trying to get Fanner away from.

He lifted his head and sniffed the air but he couldn't smell anything but swamp.

By now, Fanner had gone quiet and he was no longer smiling.

He had picked up on Yore's state of alert.

"Stay with Cookie," Yore told Fanner as he took slow, cautious steps in the direction Cookie had been pushing Fanner away from, every sense he had on high alert.

Cookie chittered loudly and he stopped in his tracks a moment before what he had believed to be a pile of boulders began to shudder and lift up off of the ground.

A fucking rock golem.

As Yore started to shift, vulnerable for a moment, Cookie leapt forward and drew the rock golem's attention.

Halfway between forms, Yore turned to Fanner.

"RUN."

[jinx-on-mars-19xx]

Hey you. Brain surgery is scary as hell. that's for sure. I genuinely hope your mom can fully recover from this. I hate it that you feel like you're failing, and if I could, I would just gently lift the pressure you're putting on yourself and throw it far away. Just know you don't owe anyone anything. Neither a new chapter nor a positive, happygolucky mood when in reality you're scared and probably devastated underneath all the high functioning. I can't understand people who unfollow. I can only assume that they may be triggered because they are going through or have gone through something similar. If there are people who actually unfollow you because you don't write at top speed like you usually do, they have a serious lack of empathy and don't deserve you anyway. Sending you all the love and strength. You will get through this, but right now it sucks, and it hurts and you're allowed to feel it. You're doing your best and believe you me, you're doing more than enough. Please take care of yourself, too. You can be so proud of yourself and I bet your mom is as well.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish in moments like this people didn't go anon but that's still so sweet of you 🩷 I think it's just hard not to blame myself because I should have caught it sooner. If I'd caught it earlier they might have gone without surgery. I don't know. It's just been a very intense week and my brain likes to get down on itself so I'll try harder. I ran out of spoons after the first night she started acting strange and I've been running on fumes since.

It's hard not to be down but I like presenting a positive attitude. I just can't seem to dig it up today. It's hard to let myself feel things because I always think I'll break. I think a lot of people around me assume I will so mentally I think I have to be the toughest one. But I'm glad I have Tumblr to be real, even if it's just for a few moments a day. This was really sweet and helpful though, thank you 🖤

[crimsononiarataki]

A lot of people would be shocked to see a guy his size working using a camping stove as efficiently as he was capable of. Never mind the knife he used to chop, or slice things. As an Oni nobody other than close close to him were capable of understanding that he was MORE than his size and the negative reputation he'd been given by a certain group of mortals. He was creative, helpful, and not at all hindering toward those who were genuine. Now, if they were a hinderance or a problem? He was a problem for them.

"Mmm? I mean, I don't mind, somethin' lots of folks seem to not realize is that those like myself, bein' the Yokai of Inazuma, we're viewed similarly to the Adepti of Liyue,"

They were the same classification, really, supernatural beings, though they differed from one another due to more than their general appearances, and home nations. In Liyue, the people looked at him like he was some sort of... positive appearance, where in Inazuma, there were a number of humans who would rather hurt him, or have him dead. Because he was a Crimson Oni. He was viewed as a 'cursed child' since he was the sole survivor of his people, a genocide that was caused at the hands of a certain man, though referring to him as such was a bit of a stretch from what he knew, and he'd rather NOT think of his name.

"Yeah, some humans CAN be exploitative, but ya haven't given me that impression, Myyrin. You're seekin' knowledge and what better way to learn about how I go about healin' than to try learnin' from me?"

The dish he prepared was made with root vegetables, a broth, and something that would help break the excess Electro inside her body down. It was infused with a bit of Geo, though not things such as dirt, sand, rocks, or ore made it in. He wasn't sure she could learn that particular technique, but he might be able to make her something that would help her to have a similar effect if it was needed at some point. Though, he really hoped that she didn't electrocute herself again as part of an experiment. The Kairagi would seem her prone form as an easy target and he would much rather not come back to the area only to find that having come to pass.

"I might have to get my hands on some of the spices from Sumeru at some point, maybe when I'm in the area again I can pick some up from the main city, or Port Ormos."

He'd enjoyed the bean-free dishes he'd tried while in Sumeru, the spices were subtle to him, but he wasn't human so the level was likely much more intense for some of them than it was for him. That was probably fine. Not everyone could have a Yokai's spice tolerance, he'd not really expected his own to be quite as high as it was in the first place, but then again the heat of the desert hadn't really had any effect on him. Just like the cold of winter never really bothered him. he just thought it was a thing that all Yokai could do but he could be wrong.

"I don't really eat more frequently than others do normally, but when I'm healin' I do tend to eat a bit more often. Just figured that was normal, then again back when I needed to heal up last I was... uh in pretty bad condition."

Calling the condition he'd been in back then 'pretty bad' was putting it mildly. He'd been told he was on the verge of death but he felt fine. He'd been fussed over by Shinobu, and the medical staff that Ayato had supplied, and he'd been basically confined to his bed for three months. He never wanted to deal with that kind of condition again. He'd get stir-crazy which was one of the reasons he'd taken the time to teach himself some dishes that helped with healing. He wasn't sure that Myyrin would be willing to learn his way of meditation but it also helped with his healing, and it was a means that HE used to heal as a Yokai.

"I ain't gonna let ya camp outside, I'd rather ya be inside where I know the elements ain't able to trigger a reaction in your body. The storms on this island are rough, but my cabin is insulated, ya would have access to a bed, and a full bathroom to clean yourself up and rejuvenate. I get livin' off the land, I do, but given the condition you're in I'd feel better if ya would stay inside until the Electro energy is fully expelled."

If she was going to be stubborn then he was going to have to be MORE stubborn than she was. It was fairly simple. (It was absolutely NOT). He was a Geo user, he was as stubborn as unmoving rock could be if needed, she was Hydro, and while she may be used to living off the land, with the Electro energy still coursing through her veins, he'd feel better if she was inside his cabin until she was fully recovered. Plus, Ayato's men never followed him into the area his cabin was, the thick surroundings allowed him to have privacy and safety.

"Why would ya attack me? More like why wouldn't ya attack me. I'm used to bein' targeted by mortals. Ain't sure what Ayato told ya about me, but there's some folks who... well they've called me a 'cursed child' since I was a little guy, and now that they're older men with families of their own, they still come after me."

He was more than just 'misunderstood' but Ayato didn't know the severity of the hatred those men in particular held for him, and he'd never done anything other than exist.

Myyrin watched as Itto prepared the food with surprising precision and efficiency. His movements were confident, steady and it was clear he knew what he was doing. When he mentioned Yokai having their own recovery methods, her mind immediately began whirling with possibilities. The apothecary in her couldn't resist. She shifted slightly, wincing as she adjusted her posture, her injured arm still limp at her side.

As she observed, her mind wandered through the paths of knowledge she’d already walked—the herbal wisdom of Liyue, the practical alchemy of Mondstadt, the art of cultivating healing plants in Sumeru—and now, the possibility of learning from the Yokai. She couldn’t stop herself from asking, despite knowing it might be a delicate topic.

“Itto,” she began slowly, hesitant to overstep boundaries, “you mentioned Yokai having their own techniques for recovery. Would it… would it be alright if I studied some of those practices? Not to exploit or misuse them, of course." She paused, carefully choosing her words. "I know humans can be… exploitative. I understand if you'd rather keep them to yourself. But… I’ve been documenting different methods from across the lands. Mixing practices, seeing how they interact, how they could help someone down the line. If it helps even one person heal faster, or avoid unnecessary suffering, it’d be worth all the effort.”

She fell quiet, her gaze dropping to her severely scarred hand, her journal of experiments to see what was effective and what was harmful. The uneven texture, the burned flesh—a lasting mark of both her curiosity and the risks that came with it. She flexed her fingers slightly before looking back up at him, her eyes holding a certain resolve beneath the weariness.

"I’ve learned some adeptal arts too," she admitted, her voice softening as she thought back to her time in Liyue. "Studying from notes, and even interacting with a few illuminated beasts. They’ve been... generous with their knowledge. I’m just trying to broaden my understanding of the world, to help as many people as I can. But you don’t need to humor me. I understand if that kind of knowledge is private or sacred to your kind.”

She gave him a faint, almost self-deprecating smile. “I get carried away sometimes. Can’t help myself when it comes to learning new things. But don’t worry about the spice,” she added with a small chuckle, trying to shift the conversation back to lighter things. “I’m from Sumeru, the land of spices. We practically live off the stuff. I can handle anything you throw at me.”

She found herself genuinely curious about him, not just as a fellow traveler but also as a subject of study. "You mentioned you not knowing about your metabolism," she said, her apothecary instincts kicking in again. "I’d wager it's faster than most, given your size and activity level. Have you ever noticed needing to eat more frequently than others, or maybe heal faster from injuries? Or never getting drunk from alcohol? That would indicate a high metabolic activity."

Itto’s offer to take her to his nearby place took her by surprise. She hesitated for a moment, glancing around the desolate area they were currently in. She hated the idea of imposing on him more than she already had, but the logical part of her mind reminded her that she wasn’t in any shape to fend off another attack from Kairagi or rifthounds if they came. Her pride and practicality wrestled briefly before she nodded. "Alright," she said, her voice measured. "But I don’t need a room. I can camp outside, under the stars. I’ve already imposed on you more than enough, and besides," she smiled lightly, "I’m used to it. Traveling solo and sleeping outdoors comes with the job." She said the last part with more confidence than she felt. The truth was, her body was screaming for rest and comfort, but she didn’t want to trouble him further. She’d already taken too much, and she didn’t want to be a burden.

When he brushed off her thanks, she couldn’t help but frown in confusion. Her mind turned over his words. Why would she attack him? It didn’t make sense. She mulled over it for a moment before speaking her thoughts aloud. “Why would I attack you?” she asked, genuinely puzzled. "First of all, you didn't seem hostile. And second," her lips curled into a wry smile, "I’d never pick a battle I know I’d lose. That’s just… bad strategy.”

[agirldying]

*Possible Tw for mentions of abuse and Sa, adding a warning just in case*

Hey Bun,

I wanted to talk to you or I guess maybe ask for your opinion on this. Do you think it's possible I'm actually going backwards in my healing?

It's a weird question but I will give you some background. I know you're probably familiar with my situation and a few weeks ago we had like a big response as to what my abuse actually was. After that I felt like I could really start accepting it because you gave me a name for it and that helped honestly to realize how serious what happened to me was.

For a few weeks I felt like I was dealing with the grief well and like actually addressing my feelings about it. I really felt like I was healing like a little bit. But now over the last two weeks I've been starting to like avoid it if that makes any sense.

Like I recently got a new job and im moving this week into a new apartment and I've just been like ignoring any thoughts I have about it. It's almost like I'm pretending it didn't happen. Like I don't want to call myself a survivor now. I don't want to admit I was abused. I don't want to think about getting hit. I don't want to call it trafficking. I don't want to think about what happened.

It's almost like when Ive been having flashbacks since I started working two weeks ago I see them and my brain is like "that's not me" like they aren't my memories and it didn't happen to me. It's like I'm trying to tell myself that it happened to someone else and that's not me. What is this?

I guess I'm just asking like is this regression in my healing? Is my personality splitting? Could I be dissociating from it because it's just too much for me to function normally? Honestly and truly I'm not sure what is happening.

It's just so strange because sometimes I will feel the anger or the pain or feel upset when I have the flashbacks and it's like I acknowledge the feeling and my brain just turns it off immediately, then I have those " it's not me" thoughts.

Sorry if this is a lot or if it's very confusing but I feel like something strange is going on and I don't really understand it so I was just wondering what you think about it.

Thank you so much for reading and as always I appreciate you so much Bun.

- DW 🍂

Hi DW 🍂,

Healing isn't linear, so it's expected to have some backwards steps.

It makes sense why you may be avoiding confronting your trauma and current situation because they're quite daunting and come with a lot of emotional... I don't want to use the word baggage but maybe weight? They're hard things to come to terms with so it's understandable why it can be hard to constantly accept.

It sounds like there are various changes in your life that perhaps make it easier to feel like you can put your experiences in the past and store it away like it didn't happen, even though it hasn't been completely processed.

Personally I feel this connecting with the year after I'd gotten out of my abusive situation - I went from long hair to short (cut off 10 inches of hair or so) and donated it. I remember the new look being this sort of pathway to feeling like I could pretend to be an entirely new person, free of trauma, unburdened (that being said I also remember having like 10 anxiety attacks in that month alone).

I also need to just say that I completely relate to almost othering yourself and being like "the person who endured that is not me". Personally I recognize that to be a dissociative symptom as I actively believe that I am a completely separate person from the girl who once inhabited this body (see my username). I have actually changed my name irl to reflect the fact that I am someone else now, and my deadname is triggering knowing what happened to her. Basically I'm saying all of this to kind of just show that this is just another way that dissociation can present, and this is one of the many elements of dissociative identity. Like, I will use first person when talking about the trauma, but that's more for convenience than actually identifying with those memories.

So yeah ultimately this sounds like some dissociation is coming up for you surrounding your sense of self and identity as you're navigating recovery.

I hope I could help and provide some insight. As you know, please feel free to send more asks my way if you need to chat or if you want to add onto this.

[springalwayscomes]

Still Alive

I would need a million words

If I tried to define

All the things you mean to me, yeah

For you I'd die a thousand lives

Special kind of energy

'Cause love is born when hearts collide

Every time you touch me

You remind me that I'm still alive

-17, Pink Sweats

Plot: Jungkook is the reason. For what, you don’t really have to explain. And the fact that he’s been feeling low lately, you say, only makes you want to stay by his side more. Truth is he’s feeling worse than he’s ever felt.

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff

Wordcount: 2.4k

Content Warning: Mentions and descriptions of panic and anxiety attacks, Jungkook is lost and depressed (if we have to minimize). Please do not read if you are triggered by this type of content.

Author’s Note: Honestly, I’m not even sure if I really want to post this. This one is different from what I’ve been writing until now and I feel so exposed. I’ve been through this, so it’s pretty difficult for me to talk about something like this without feeling exposed and fragile again, I’m not even sure about the reason why I wrote this, but now it’s done. I hope I will keep this on the blog, even though I’m not sure. It was inspired by the song 17 by Pink Sweats, and at the beginning I wanted to write a soft smut but it turned out to be like this and so much deeper than I‘ve ever imagined. To write it I really had to minimize the feelings I used to feel at that time, because I couldn’t express them in the right way and honestly (really honestly), thinking about that period of my life still scares me a lot. Anyway, I am feeling better now, and even though this work contains a lot of sadness and it’s really harsh and raw to read, I want to tell to whoever is going through this, or whatever problem you’re facing along your way that you’ll feel good again. Spring will come again, as our boys say. You’ll feel light again, and you will be three times wiser than you were before. I wish a happy new year to everyone and I hope that you will appreciate this! 2021 will be better than 2020, so let’s all cheer up.💜

«It just sucks»

These are the first words that welcome you home. Jungkook’s voice coming from the bedroom and your mind immediately wandering to understand what’s happening, if he’s fine. He’s been feeling low lately, anxious and stressed with work. It sucks to see him like this, if you were to use his words. It sucks.

Jungkook is the reason. For what, you don’t really have to explain. He is the reason. Jungkook is everything, everything.

The images of last night coming to your mind make you eyes water and you quickly take your shoes and coat off before you jog to the room where he is.

Layed on the bed, arms crossed on his chest and hair disheveled Jungkook stares the ceiling on top of him, Taehyung and Jimin at his sides. You swear you see his cheek glint under the light, the path of a tear making its way on his skin. Your chest heavies, breath stuck in your throat as Taehyung and Jimin notice your presence and greet you with smiles that say anything but happiness.

«Baby» you call out. Jungkook blinks, neck slowly turning to meet his eyes with yours. The way yours are watering more and more every second and the way Jungkook bites on his lower lip tell Taehyung and Jimin that they should probably leave you alone. The two sigh, hugging the littlest man tightly and whispering things you can’t discern from here, but Jungkook’s expression doesn’t change. And it breaks you apart, in a million, billiards of pieces, scraps.

His hyungs smile at you, each one leaving a kiss on your cheek before they head to the door.

It’s only when you hear it click that your body starts working again, quickly removing your clothes and letting them fall onto the floor, then taking big steps towards the bed and sitting down. You know what comes now, it became a routine by now, and Jungkook knows it too.

You hug him. So tight and comforting, lovingly that he feels his eyes water again, for the fifth time today. Your embrace smells like the both of you, familiar and special, a space that seems made just for him.

His head rests on your chest and a moment later you’re slowly laying on the mattress, leading him with you and trying your best not to make any movements that could scare him.

Jungkook is having problems, not a little. You’re just too scared to admit it.

He’s been feeling low lately, you say.

He’s feeling worse than he’s ever felt. He’s scared, scared of the world and himself, of everything. He always feels anxious, putting his nerves on the edge and his brain in condition of never stop working, he’s always attentive, watchful of everything, too much.

The anxiety eventually led to anxiety attacks and panic attacks. It’s been a hell of a road until now, and you thought that maybe he could make it. You still think it, but these times seem to be the hardest. Especially since yesterday night.

He had a panick attack in his sleep. His side of the bed wet with sweat and tears, his whines waking you up just to see him with his hands on his chest and his face soaked with both tears and sweat, eyes shut close and lips as red as blood.

Jungkook is extremely sensible. He feels the judgement of people, he’s shy and it takes him a lot to stand for himself, his self-esteem has never been so low than in these last year. All of these facts together, eventually led to a breaking point. This moment. “If you won’t let it go, it will occur the time where your body will come in the way and do it for yourself.”, said his psychologist last week as she tried to explain what was happening to him. “His brain told him to stop what he was doing and since he wouldn’t listen, it had found a different way.”

And you swear on your life as you hug him tighter and tighter to you, your fingers brushing through his hair and his hot breath fanning on your neck, that you will be here for him forever. It doesn’t matter how much it will take him to feel better, how hard it will be.

«Do you want to talk?» you whisper. As quietly as you can. He doesn’t answer, but you feel his arms tighten their hold around you. You watch the beautiful features of his face, his eyebrows, his eyes shut, his nose, the petals of his lips, the freckle on his nose and under his lower lips, his golden skin.

«I’m here, I am always going to be here. I love you» you whisper.

Jungkook wouldn’t want to do it again, but by now his eyes are reckless and they let out another tear; warm and full of pain it tickles his skin as it travels on his nose until it eventually falls and lands on your collar bone.

«I’m sorry» he whines, sniffing. His face nuzzles onto the crook of your neck as other warm tears wet your skin. Your heart shakes, your chest becomes heavier. You squeeze him so tight, if there was a way to take away all of his pain you’d do it without even blinking, even if it’d end with you being in his shoes.

«What are you sorry for?» you whisper again, your lips kissing the locks of his dark hair as he hides his face.

His body is stronger, bigger than yours. But he needs the same attention and love as a baby now, the same thoughtfulness. Jungkook is in a fragile state, and you have to be hyperaware of everything to make sure that he doesn’t slip out of your hands and fall, breaking into shatters on the cold floor.

«...This-» he weeps, his back shaken by sobs. «M-me... I-You-»

«Don’t be» you cut him off.

«Don’t ever feel sorry for how you’re feeling. Never» you reassure. A soft kiss is placed on his forehead, and another one on his hand after you slowly, carefully lead it to your lips.

«Did you have-»

«Three»

This time he’s the one who cuts off. He doesn’t want to hear their name, he hates them. He hates them so much, and for you is the same. Watching him in sweat, with tears falling down as he whines lost in his world, the way he can’t breathe in the right way, his lips trembling and his eyes desperate for help but afraid that it will never come, scared and in a world with no light at the end of the dark tunnel: that is what you hate the most in the world.

He hates panick attacks just as much as you do. Fuck them, you think.

Three. One shakes him enough to make him sleep for at least three or four hours after, all of his energies get sucked away in a scary way both mentally and phisically, to imaginewhat he is going through right now makes you hold him even tighter. Thank God that Taehyung and Jimin were free today and stayed here to help him, Jungkook is too afraid to remain home by himself, and honestly you would never leave him alone when he’s scared to death of himself. In the morning, he’s afraid to get up from the bed, because it feels like his only safe space, he doesn’t even dare to go to the kitchen; the only thing he can do is focus on his breathing, you are the one who brings him breakfast, lunch and dinner and help him eat. The idea of a new day already beginning scares him even more because he knows it will be just as shitty as the one before, full of fear for him. Panic and anxiety attacks come and go as if they were the air he exhales and lets out, some of them last longer and are deeper, Jungkook would end up crying in your arms and beg you to stop them. It breaks your heart everytime to not being able to help him just like he wants. You could see the fear in his eyes every time, and even when they finally leave, that shadow won’t. They scare him, so much that he does his best to avoid them, and right now is to just stay in bed. He can’t leave the bed without being swallowed by the anxiety of doing something wrong that will eventually trigger another attack, so he lays still for almost the full day beside of when he needs to go to the bathroom. You usually follow him and wait outside of the door, his cheeks redden every time at the thought of needing you to help him even for something so mere, but he’s thankful that you do. His deepest fear became himself, not being able to control his brain without falling in the arms of panic again. Just the other day he had whispered you that he was afraid of going out of his mind and that if he were destined to live like this for the rest of his life, he would prefer to be dead. The thought made you shiver. You had sweetly kissed his forehead, telling him back that he was all but crazy and that everything will eventually be alright, these are just some obstacles on the road. And you really hope it. The fact that now he’s not safe from attacks anymore not even in his sleep scares him even more.

«I’ll stop talking then,» you caress his neck, so incredibly warm that for a moment you think he might have had catched a fever too «you-»

«Please, don’t» his head slightly raises from its place in the crook of your neck, eyes looking at you. They look so tired, exhausted, spent, weary.

«Please talk to me, I want to hear your voice»

Your lips meet his forehead, pressing to it as if it was your lifeline. Jungkook’s eyes shut close, the feeling of something familiar warming up his chest just the slightest, he tells himself that maybe he could live with this sensation. It certainly would be better than being scared and breathless, with your brain playing tricks on you. It would be a hundred times better to live with this sensation, not tingling or burning hot but slightly calm and still, like a caress but really light. The one of the one hundred percent. This is enough to make him feel better, just the slightest. A speak of dust in the desert, but at least is something. It’s warm, familiar.

«I would need a million words if I tried to define all the things you mean to me»

Jungkook opens his eyes, watery again. His lips tremble, breath stuck as he looks at you with him emotions on full display, fragility at its peak.

«For you I’d die a thousand lives» you whisper. And God, you mean it. You never meant it more than now saying it in front of him, for his eyes and his heart.

«Special kind of energy, cause love is born when hearts collide» you go on. And by now, Jungkook knows what you’re doing.

«Is this-»

«Ssh» you caress his cheek trying to make him relax just a little bit. «Every time you touch me you remind me that I’m still alive»

Jungkook loses it as he looks at you while you say those words, the same that you’ve been reminding him of for all these minutes, this morning, yesterday night after you witnessed his state for all these days.

He doesn’t care if he’s feeling lightheaded or if the feelings in his chest are so deep and make him feel such in a haze that it will eventually lead him towards another panic attack. He needs you, he needs to feel alive again, to feel reassured and loved more than ever.

His lips meet yours, not in a soft peck like the ones you’ve been giving him in these last days. A kiss that makes his blood boil in his veins and his mind in a haze, not because it’s vicious or promises something more but because is full of promises of happy endings and limitless fondness, a kiss that would take away all his pain and give it to you if it was possible. That is what makes him wish he was able to give you more. He swears that he never felt something as soft as your lips, he never believed in a place as much as he believes in your embrace, he never loved someone as much as he loves you, he never felt more alive then now. You can feel his emotions on your lips, in your mouth; his fragility, the way he’s desperately trying to let himself go and how he hopes, how he believes that you will help him in doing so and will take good care of him if he succeeds, the bitter taste of the fear of being this fragile to himself, of feeling something that might be too much too handle for now.

It’s like giving his first kiss, it’s just like the first time. It’s new and Jungkook almost feels like he’s not enough because he knows he can’t give you more, and the thought makes his heart clench in pain. But you don’t care, and if he’s willing to give you ten then you’ll take five, because you don’t want to exhaust him. That’s the reason why you part from him, slowly.

Jungkook loves you, so deeply and profoundly. And you read it on his face as he parts from your lips and rests his head on your chest, his low lidded eyes keeping their stare on you.

«My heart is beating so fast» he whines, breath already itching, voice full of panic and fear.

«Bad fast or good fast?»

«Both» he shuts his eyes again. He’s going to have another panic attack, he can recognize it, he feels it coming, and you know it too just by that shadow in had in in his eyes before closing them. A mix of desperation and anger towards himself to not being able to control it.

At least, I’m still alive, Jungkook thinks. Even though, beside from that span of time when his lips met yours and he felt like he was doing the right thing, he is not that sure that it worths it.

Maybe tomorrow I can live a moment like that again, it’s the thought he tries to keep in mind as his breath itches more and more.

[crystalelemental]

Hmmmmmm...it's alright. I can live with that.

Edit: actually no, I have more to say about this.

I'm glad that it's just an immediate call for Limstella into murdering people, though I do think the whole contract situation would likely foil him entirely. Can you draw lifeforce from someone who'd just get back up? I was kinda excited about the prospect of his goal being specifically dragon quintessence, and Askr is now loaded with fucking dragons, so I kinda hoped they'd go that direction a bit.

Duma's not a bad pick, given the focus on power above all else, though I think it's at least a little odd for him to show up here given he wouldn't care about Nergal's backstory or reason for seeking power. He never cared before; power is a means to an end. So honestly I feel like that messes with Duma a bit.

I'm a bit less miffed about Nergal coming across as one-dimension because...I mean, he is. As an agent in the story, he is hilariously one-dimensional, all his depth comes from history that no one is privy to. I wouldn't really expect them to jump right into Nergal secretly being Ninian and Nils' dad, that's kind of hidden lore that no one knows about. Even for the player, we only piece that together from flashbacks and information no one in the story has true access to. So I can kinda respect putting up something that makes him one-dimensional on the surface, but hits hard if you know. That's basically the best we could've asked for on that front.

As for the mental deterioration, it is a bit different given context? Duma's is madness from old age, dragons deteriorating as part of their natural life cycle. Meanwhile Nergal is actively sacrificing parts of himself for power, including his own memories. It's a different process, so he could be forgiven not recognizing it for what it is.

I think the only thing I'd seriously complain about is the inclusion of Ninian and Nils at all. Unless they wanted to actually dig into that history, there's no real reason for them to like...be there? This could've easily just focused on another angle of attack and someone else's intervention, or the introduction of stronger forms of dragon. Elibe has its own hierarchy of dragons, Fire seeming to be the bottom, Ice much stronger than Fire, Divine Dragons like Fae above both, and Idunn as the Demon Dragon supreme. On that note...

Probably the best outcome would've been the focus on Idunn's War Dragons. The manipulation of quintessence was a dragon skill he learned, and its application is very similar in concept to how Idunn makes War Dragons. If they wanted to needle at his history, I think the fun angle would be their meeting, the discussion around use of quintessence and their human/dragon constructs, and what the distinctions are. It'd be the easiest way to bring up why he bothers. If he's just after power, why make morphs at all? Just hoard that quintessence for yourself. Why start that process at all? That could trigger some memory, if distant.

Edit: you know, I thought about it for five minutes instead of fifteen seconds, and no, it really should've been Idunn and Fae. Idunn would be prime target #1 for Nergal trying to siphon power as the Demon Dragon, but her War Dragons being the dragon equivalent of morphs, she'd understand his own magic and know what it cost him. Moreover, her arc at this point is following up on the ending of Binding Blade, learning how to restore her soul. If literally anyone is going to perfectly identify what's up with Nergal, potentially know how to present a fix, and be someone he would intentionally approach for the attempt on her life, it'd be Idunn. I think this is the biggest missed opportunity.

I dunno. It's not bad but not exciting to me. Thanks for filling me in.

People who still play FEH, can you tell me how the forging bonds event is for Nergal? What happens with him? I’m curious but don’t want to download the game to find out.

[mellometal]

Do we have ANOTHER Dhar Mann video to rip apart today? Yes, we do.

This one is a real specimen...a real treat, if you will. I'm gonna have a field day with this. Today, we'll be talking about how to actually treat disabled people! Specifically physically disabled people! This is something I have a bit of a specialty in, since I do work with disabled people for a living.

This is a VERY recent video, by the way. When I watched this, it made my blood boil seeing how this disabled woman was being treated. Reading some of the comments people were making took everything in me to not scream at them through my phone. Why? I had the shadow of a doubt that they were probably very young and have never been around disabled people before...even though they very well probably have, but didn't realize it.

Before I begin, there's A LOT of ableism that I'm going to talk about. If that triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, feel free to scroll past this and consume content that sparks joy.

To sum up the video, a disabled woman was getting out of her truck in the parking lot, intending to do some grocery shopping. An able-bodied woman (Karen) comes up to this woman to ask her a whole bunch of questions, try to help her unload things out of her truck (when she didn't need any help in the first place), and "tried to relate" by saying that she was in a wheelchair for two weeks in high school. Please don't do that.

Karen touched this woman's wheelchair without her consent and attempted to push her when she never asked for any help.

NEVER touch a disabled person, their wheelchair, walker, motor scooter, cane, etc. (medical equipment, essentially), without their consent. Unless the disabled person cannot move around on their own, they give you their consent, you're their caretaker, family members, or a professional who works with disabled people, don't touch them or their equipment. Even then, it never hurts to ask them first, especially if you're a new caretaker or a new professional in their home and they don't know you very well. If they tell you "no" and/or the person/people with them say "no", it means "no" and you need to leave them alone. If they tell you that they don't need your help, to leave them alone, or anything else along those lines, those phrases also mean "no". If they say they need help or they ask for help, of course, help them.

(ETA: Wheelchairs, walkers, motor scooters, canes, etc., are part of the physically disabled person. These things are how they move around. I meant this in the, "Don't touch THEM." kind of sense. Just thought I'd clarify real quick.)

Karen then pulled out her phone to take a picture with the disabled woman, despite her saying she didn't want to have pictures being taken of her. Karen POSTED IT ON HER SOCIAL MEDIA. The disabled woman says to Karen to leave her alone, stop worrying about her, and that she doesn't need any help.

In the store, the disabled woman is just getting some groceries...like anyone else would. She gets her reaching tool out to grab an item off the top shelf behind Karen, who makes a tasteless joke about how she should give her a speeding ticket. The disabled woman makes a remark that her legs may not work, but her eyes do. She grabs a bottle of blue cheese dressing off the top shelf with her reaching tool, which Karen grabs for her without asking.

Karen crouches down to talk to the disabled woman, which makes the woman understandably uncomfortable. The woman tries to put her groceries on the counter to pay for them, which Karen butts in YET AGAIN. The woman is obviously fed up at this point, rightfully so. Karen then offers to pay for this woman's groceries, which wasn't necessary whatsoever. Why? Because she "felt bad" for her and has the assumption that disabled people "don't have a lot of money". She also asked the disabled woman what happened for her to be in a wheelchair, which is something that I've only heard of CHILDREN asking. (That's none of your business, by the way. It's up to that person to tell you.)

Listen, disabled people don't need to be pitied. They're disabled. It is what it is. Being disabled isn't a disease, so please stop treating it like it is. As far as disabled people not having a lot of money, that's not exactly true for every aspect of life. They're not allowed to have any more than $2,000 in assets each month along with their benefits. They do have money, and the amount all depends on the person. You cannot just bunch up all disabled people's income as the same. Some disabled people don't have SSI. If they get married, their income gets even lower or they lose benefits completely, which is extremely fucked up and makes them more vulnerable to being exploited, abused, and controlled. Marriage equality STILL doesn't exist because disabled people are STILL not being treated as equals in marriages. Some places only pay disabled employees like $3.34 an hour or something crazy like that (that's how much Goodwill pays disabled employees, by the way). The working conditions for disabled people NEED to change. Give them a livable wage. You CANNOT live off of $3.34 an hour. Make companies give necessary, legal accommodations to disabled people. They have a right to their assets and to keep them, regardless of whether they get married or not. Why would you reduce that or take that away from them? Do you even know what their benefits go towards? THEM BEING ABLE TO LIVE, IN LAYMAN'S TERMS. All in all, help make the world a better place for disabled people. (Edited for new information.)

She pulls out her phone AGAIN to take pictures with the disabled woman, who puts her hand up to the phone and says she doesn't want to have pictures being taken of her. Karen then says that she's "just trying to spread awareness"....disabled people aren't a disease. They're not a danger to you. All disabled people ask for is to be accepted, treated like everyone else, and to have accommodations readily available for them. People are already aware of the existence of disabled people.

The disabled woman is clearly very fed up and wants to get back to her truck and go to wherever she needs to be, Karen goes out to confront her "for being rude", and the disabled woman confronts Karen for being extremely rude to her and stomping all over her boundaries. This woman was VERY polite too. Actually, WAY too polite. A lot of people in the comments section seemed to misunderstand her justified anger and wrote it off as her being a bitch. If you were a disabled person who's completely independent, you had some stranger randomly come up to you to ask twenty questions, they were constantly harassing you, touching you without your consent, shoving their phone or camera in your face to take pictures of you even when you told them you weren't okay with that, belittled you, and boiled you down to your disability, YOU'D BE PISSED TOO.

This woman tells Karen to not assume that disabled people all are completely helpless and can't do anything for themselves, that she's more than her disability, and to respect people. Karen apologizes (finally) and briefly explains that she thought she was trying to do a good deed. The woman says that she knows people have good intentions, but they again, shouldn't assume that all disabled people need their help. Especially when they don't ask for it. Plot twist: she owns her own company and is rich! (There are/have been rich disabled people; however, I can only name a few off the top of my head.)

Only then does Karen FINALLY decide to delete the picture she posted of this woman that she took without her consent. And it ends there.

(Context: The disabled woman told Karen that she didn't need her to push her....and yet Karen tries to anyway.)

This isn't okay. Karen should have left this woman alone after she told Karen to do so.

Taking pictures of people, despite them telling you that they don't want to take pictures, and posting them on social media without their consent for clout! What's that called again? Hmmmm....I know! EXPLOITATION! And being an extremely disrespectful sack of shit.

Again....if they say "no" or anything else along those lines, IT MEANS NO.

Onto my response. Again, like usual, it's a long response.

This is pretty much what I've said earlier...but like, seriously. If you want to help disabled people, THAT'S GREAT! You can try getting a job at a place that helps disabled people! You can volunteer!

Just....don't be like Karen in this video. Enough said. I don't think I need to elaborate further on that.

[marshmallowprotection]

Ok, I think I'm ready to give it a try! I saw that matchups were open, so I'd like to request a romantic matchup! I absolutely adore your writing and the way you analyse every detail - you're a huge inspiration to me in terms of writing.

So, I'm a russian bisexual cis girl. I don't think appearance matters much, but I'll write down the basics just for fun! I'm quite short(5'2) in comparison with most of my peers, considering, that I'm 23. I'll be lying if I said that it doesn't bother me, since all my life people were making fun of my height and weight. I was always very short, thin and pale due to bad upbringing. I'm learning to love my body, but it still bothers me from time to time. I have very long deep brown hair (down to my waist) and green eyes. I'm actually quite proud of my hair! It was always my dream to have long hair, but my mom would cut it short each time. She still makes comments about my hair, and that it's 'gross', even though I take very good care of it. I've also been wearing glasses for my whole life, since I was born prematurely and my eyesight is just HORRENDOUS. But it doesn't bother me at all, since I've been living like this my whole life.

Okay... I think that's enough for appearance! As you probably guessed, my familiy's really not the best one out there. And that's putting it lightly. I don't talk about it much now, since I don't live with them anymore and I got over my trauma, but... My childhood was VERY rough. Sadly, it really affected what kind of person I am now, so I'll go over the basics. My mom was extremely abusive: verbally and physically. My dad was always busy at work and she threatened me not to tell him anything, so... I never told about it to anyone. I never cried, since she would get angry at me for 'looking scared'. I used to be proud of that, but now I know how much it was ruining me. Long story short... My dad found out, they divorced and he and took me away. I suppose, that's a happy ending, but I was already 12 at that moment and the damage already has been done. I have some trust issues, although I've gotten WAY better, and I'm still working on myself. Still, it's hard for me to open up, since I'm always expecting the worst and I don't want to be hurt again. There's also some triggers that I have to avoid in my everyday life, but I've learned to deal with them in my own way. Still, they're there, and sometimes they can get the better of me.

My tragic backstory aside, I'd love to share some more positive details about myself! Currently, I'm studying psychology and working part-time at a bakery. I guess my experience with trauma taught me a lot, and so I decided that I want to help people the way, that I wished someone would help me then. Sure, I've managed to heal and move one by myself, but it didn't have to be that way. I want to help people and make them feel heard and understood. I love my work as well! I find something comforting in this kind of routine, but maybe it's just because I enjoy cooking so much. Yeah, cooking is one of my passions! As I mentioned before, I barely ate when I was a child, so now I'm trying to eat as many different things as I can! God, I especially love korean and japanese cuisines! And I'd love to cook for my partner every day. Or, maybe, we could cook together! Although, in terms of intimacy, it's hard for me to be open with someone. Not because I don't want to be close to my partner, but simply cause I have no idea what I'm doing. I was never even hugged as a child. This kind of affection is... foreign to me, even though I do crave it. I totally don't mind physical affection, but my partner would probably have to take the lead at first!

In terms of hobbies... I love writing. Although that's a very personal one, than I keep mostly to myself. Oh, I'm also a huge science nerd! I was one since childhood, haha. Instead of toys, I was always reading some kind of book. My favourites are probably biology and paleontology. I'd absolutely love to share with my partner many random facts about animals or other stuff! People always told me that it's boring and lame, so... It means the whole world to me if someone actually appreciates my interests. Oh, I'd love to watch some nature documentaries and add my own knowledge here and there! I'm also a huge animal lover. When I was a kid, finding a connection with animals was always way easier, then with other kids. Gosh, I used to spend the whole day with a bunch of chickens, haha. Everybody always told me that they're stupid, but I found that they are actually quite smart and caring animals! And it's not just chickens: I've had a tendency of 'taming' street animals, such as cats. Everybody hated them, and called them 'rabid', but... they were just scared. Sure, it always took some time to earn their trust, but I don't mind that at all. In fact, every single animal that I have today has been previously abused or abandoned. I guess... I have a personal connection to them in some way. Nobody wants an aggressive animal and nobody wants to give them a chance. It's not like they WANT to be this angry all the time. I also really want to own a parrot in the future! A cockatoo, to be exact. They are a very difficult bird to own and that's why I'm waiting for the moment, when I will be able to give it the care it needs. It has been my dream for a long time! Now, in terms of kids... I don't know if I'll ever have one, so that's important to consider. And even if I will, I totally don't want to go through pregnancy itself. I'll probably adopt. But... then again, I'm not sure if I ever will. I love kids, sure, but actually raising one... it's such hard work, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready for that responsibility. I'm fine with my animals, haha. But, I appreciate someone, who could take me out of my comfort zone from time to time. I have a tendency to chicken out due to my self-doubt, so a small dose of occasional tough love would be welcome. Oh, I'm also currently learning korean! I plan to study there after I finish my degree here, so that's something to think about, haha.

Music is also one of my passions! I'm ALWAYS wearing headphones, so that could probably be annoying, I guess lmao. I listen to pretty much everything: from musicals to pop. Although, I definitely prefer to have some meaning in songs I enjoy. In fact, I tend to overanalyze the stuff I enjoy to ridiculous extend: from music to characters in shows I watch. People often find that stupid, sadly.

My ideal date would be... something, that has a special meaning to us. It doesn't have to be something elaborate or loud. For example, going to the specific place in the park, where we first held hands or something. It sounds ridiculous and cheesy, but... I love to show people I care about just how much they mean to me. And that means finding deeper meaning in everything we do.

Okay, I think that's wayyy to long, but I'm done lmao

I'm very interested in reading your take on things!

I match you with...

Zen!

You've got a passion for what you love. It means a lot to you to lose yourself in the music and imagine all sorts of things. it just makes you feel good inside. Even if others don't understand that you're in a world of your own... it's everything to you. It makes you feel nice and being able to share that with others means that you trust them. And, despite what you've gone through, you've got a positive outlook on life ahead of you, you just want someone that understands your limits and your desires.

The reason why Zen stands out here is that you need someone who understands you. Your love of music is so much like his love of arts and the theatre. When you talk about what makes you happy, he just starts to smile and laugh. He's always wanted to hear someone who is as passionate as he is. He could listen to you for hours. He wants to watch the stars with you and talk about everything and anything at all.

He also empathizes with a parent hating at your looks. He wants you to know that you're lovely and beautiful, even if your parent told you otherwise. It's not true. You've always been lovely. He wants to make you feel special and seen. Think about all those selfies he wants to take with the two of you!

[80s-roger]

Flirty & Insistent

Pairing: 70s!Roger Taylor x Fem!Reader

note: female reader's ethnicity will not affect the person who reads it. She's just greek and she already has a name but the POV will be in second person.

also, i won’t post smuts/series as often as i did until next month, due to uni’s exams period. but i’ll reblog and stuff, u kno. I’ll work in the meanwhile your requests xx love you all 

ps i worked hard on this one, i hope you like it as much as i did. feedback will be massively appreciated.

requested by anonymous:

"Plss write something smutty about roger being a massive flirt and being soo cheeky the reader(after trying acting indifferent and unimpressed) eventually gives in to the temptation of letting him have his way with her?? 💕💕 "

masterlist // dialogue prompts

summary: you left your country a decade ago to study in the UK and after graduating you established in Mallorca, Spain to work as a mixologist. That summer night, you're working for a party arranged by Queen's management to celebrate their "A Day At The Races" era success. The blonde drummer notices you fixing drinks with confidence and doesn't lose the chance to flirt with you. He's just trying too hard because you play it uninterested until he has his way with you.

word count: 3,933

warnings: surface sex, slow burn (becauase they were talking a lot before, idk if it really is a slow burn tho)

A huge party was taking place in Mallorca, with the famous rock band Queen being the main guests of the event. You were one of the bartenders so all you had to do that night was fixing drinks for every person until they'd be shitfaced. The preparations were ready: the event was hosted at the beachside, opposite the calm waves and the golden sand. The sunset was magical to stare at, ready to welcome the bright moon. You had a moment to appreciate it before guests would come at any moment. It was the only thing that reminded you of your ex without feeling angsty about it; you gotta admit you didn't break up with good terms. It was toxic, yet heartbreaking. You loved that man but he left after cheating on you. It's been half a year and you needed to give yourself a break from dating and making out regardless of how social your job is and how much flirt you've received.

The guests arrived, minute by minute they'd get from fifty to hundred. Many people were coming to your counter to order drinks and cocktails. Beautiful women and attractive men would try to flirt with you but turned them down politely saying while you're working you can't do otherwise so they respected it. All these people were actually invited by Queen, their management and the entire record company. They were all celebrating Queen's "A Day At The Races" success and certainly the band which were yet to be seen until midnight.

You were working your ass for a couple of hours now until the band showed up. You could tell by the huge welcoming. The applause, the cheers and definitely women cajoling over them. Here they were standing in the centre of attention, thanking everyone for supporting them and buying their records. Their music was playing at the stereo and you couldn't prevent yourself from jamming to their songs.

When their speech was over, everyone was free to do what they wanted so your bar counter was full again with people chatting and drinking. You saw the entire fucking band coming to your place, obviously for an order. You tried to stay calm because hands-off, you liked their music and fangirled a lot when you saw them live last year in London with your boyfriend.

"Hello beautiful, can I have some Moet & Chandon, please? I really need to celebrate!" Freddie spoke first, carrying a wide smile on his face.

"Sure." You kindly accepted his offer.

"I'd like the same with Freddie." Brian interrupted when you moved behind to grab the expensive bottle and open it.

"So do I." John added and you nodded to grab three glasses, for now.

"And you?" You turned your gaze to the blonde handsome drummer who was already checking you out, focusing especially on your face.

"What do you suggest?" He asked with his eyes being totally flirty.

"Ah, darling, just give us the bottle. Roger is kind of undecided when it comes to drinks." Freddie felt the weird vibe growing between Roger and you. John and Brian giggled, looking whether at Roger or you.

"Eh, our waiter will do it for you. Just sit at your table and he'll take care of you." You kindly warned and he laughed.

"Oh, alright then love. We'll wait for our bottle." He laughed and left with his bandmates, leaving Roger and you alone.

"So? What do you suggest?" Roger turned his gaze back at your eyes.

"What do you feel like drinking? Something sweet, strong, alcohol-free?" You asked trying to help him but he was certainly not trying to find what to drink. He was clearly trying to flirt with you.

"Something to keep me up all night, I guess. But don't make me feel dizzy." He put on a crooked smile and hell, he was attractive as fuck. He knew how to play.

"Right, how does a mojito sound?" You recommended.

"Sounds nice and local." He smiled and you turned around to grab the ingredients. "Are you local? 'Cause your accent doesn't sound British to me." He asked, trying to start a conversation.

"Eh no, I am from the Mediterranean area though." You laughed after turning again to him.

"Italian?" He guessed.

"Greek." You answered.

"Oh, I've been to Greece twice." He started.

"Really? When?" You turned your gaze surprised. You had no idea he has come to Greece for holidays.

"Two years ago I was with my ex-girlfriend, in Santorini. The sunset there is amazing. And the next year I went with John and Brian to Crete. We needed a dose of some Mycenaean civilisation. Thankfully we weren't noticed by fans or anyone else. We were clearly there for tourism." He explained. You were impressed he's seen your country, visited two of the many islands your country has.

"Well, we had some political issues when you guys came to Greece. We were recovering from the junta and had some important historical issues by the end of 1974 so I doubt they'd run behind you, no offence." You laughed while fixing his drink.

"Oh, that's bad. But I understand. How come you're here in Mallorca being a bartender?" He asked and leaned closer to you. There was a nice conversation going on.

"Before junta ruled my country, I was sent to England to study because my parents thought I would be privileged. Now you see me in Mallorca because I work here and besides, I wanted to live somewhere that reminds me of Greece. Studying abroad has the privilege of learning a new culture, a new way of life and so on. Which is so wrong for the locals back home." You explained and cut a slice of lemon before having it ready for him.

"Wait, by saying it's wrong, you mean that..." his brain stopped working for a second trying to understand what you meant.

"Patriarchy is the keyword. They want women to get married at 18 and start a family. But obviously, women have to stay home." You were triggered at your words and internally thanked your parents for giving you the chance to go abroad.

"Cheers to your parents then. I wouldn't get the chance to meet you tonight." He was impressed by your short storytime. "How do I say bottoms up in Greek?" He laughed after you placed him his drink.

"It's pronounced áspro páto." You smiled after saying a Greek word. It must have been a year since you last spoke Greek. You haven't visited Greece for a long time. You found yourself in Mallorca. It's spiritually free and not restricting.

"So, I haven't asked you yet. What's your name?" Roger asked after drinking. He made an oddly satisfying grimace which meant he liked your drink.

"Oh, it's Ellen." You answered. His gaze was literally focused on you the entire time. He wouldn't give up this easy.

"So Ellen, make yourself a drink. It's a treat for you." He offered and you kindly accepted. It's not bad, you've been offered many times. Besides, you needed a drink to stay energised.

"Thank you, Mr Taylor." You thanked him and then his smile vanished.

"If you want us to be in good terms, it's gonna be Roger." His hand was warning you.

"Thank you, Roger." You slightly smiled. "It's just that..." you stopped and checked around if your boss is nearby. "We are obliged to speak to our guests in plural." You whispered and he nodded. Possibly understood the situation.

"So what are you doing later?" He asked after swallowing a sip of his mojito.

"We're cleaning the mess and we're heading homes." You said after drinking a shot. A treated drink.

"I'm not talking about your colleagues. I'm talking about you." He was straightforward. He was so into you, it was obvious.

"Oh well, I'll clean up the mess and I'm heading home." You changed the point of view trying to cut off his flirty attitude.

"When's that time? Dawn?" He guessed.

"Probably at the morning. It's a Queen party, I doubt people will leave before the sun rises." You rolled your eyes sarcastically.

"So..." he started. "Have you been listening to our music?" He asked.

"Yes, since your first album. It was brilliant for a newly formed band." You said with a huge smile on your face and he appreciated it. He appreciated that you didn't fangirl in front of him, having that humble and uninterested attitude. He liked feeling like a predator trying to catch his bait.

"What's your favourite song of A Day At The Races?" He asked. He likes talking to people about his music.

"Definitely Somebody To Love." You affirmed, feeling passionate about your answer, that it seemed you could relate your existence to this song.

"Oh, it's a band's fave too. Well, you relate to this song, don't you?" He asked and his body was closer to yours. The counter was the only thing beside you.

"I guess I do." You looked down for a moment, thinking of your ex but his hand touched your jaw trying to lift you up. Your eyes were looking into his and this is how you noticed how blue they eventually are. An ocean.

"Is it about a guy? I'm sure he doesn't deserve you." He tried to cheer you up with his soft smile.

"It's not that. It's..." you sighed. "Well, this is getting too personal." You pulled back trying to stop the situation. But he wouldn't abandon his try.

"Do you have any specific lyric of the song you relate the most?" He asked.

"Yes, there is that one: I've spent all my years in believing you but I just can't get no relief, Lord." You kind of explained the situation within a couple of lyrics. "He cheated on me. He had the audacity of saying it to my face and left without looking back or apologising." You nearly tore but tried to keep it for yourself. This is getting too personal and you're opening your heart to a stranger that you feel comfortable with. Maybe because you've been listening to him and his bandmates for years and you've seen him live too.

"You know..." he looked down for a second trying to find the words. "At least he was honest. He could keep you for his entertainment if things didn't work with the girl he possibly slept with." He tried to wake you, but he was right.

"I don't even know how long he was cheating on me. However, I did notice a weird behaviour in the last couple of months we were together." You answered.

"Be happy that you're not with him anymore. He took your love for granted. This is not how it works." He said with his eyes still focused on yours.

"You know, we once saw you live. Last year." You tried to avoid talking about your ex the entire time.

"Oh! That's great! Did I look nice?" He joked and he gained a laugh from you. That made him feel nice.

"Definitely, you always look nice." You took a moment to check him out. And hell, he looks and smells so nice.

"I'm flattered." He smiled and you pulled back again to do your job. You could see your boss staring at you. That wasn't good.

"You better get going, my boss is supervising us." You said and he got the hint. You were as cold as you could be.

"Sure, will I see you later?" He asked and stood up from his chair, ready to leave.

"No. I'll be too tired by then." You answered and he was saddened by your reply. He thought he had you. His flirting wasn't sufficient. Which means he had to try again.

He left and walked to his bandmates, they were there talking about their success until Roger joined their conversation but it changed as soon as he sat on the sofa next to Brian.

"So, how did it go Rog?" Freddie asked and they were all ready to hear.

"She seems so uninterested and hard to get, I have to try again." He took out one of his cigarettes, ready to smoke and think.

"Ah, your type of girls Roger." Brian laughed. "You like feeling a hunter don't you?" He added.

"Of course I do. But she recently broke up and I reckon she's still into him. How do women's brains work anyway?" He asked, frustrated.

"Oh darling, I don't see her as stuck with her ex as you think she is. She's been avoiding your flirting because she works here." Freddie had a point and John nodded.

"Just wait for her shift to end and make a move. She noticed you were flirting with her." John suggested and they all agreed to it.

"It's gonna take hours. She said it's possible for the party to end after dawn. She also has to clean up with her colleagues." Roger explained and turned his gaze back to you. But you were already looking at him and when you noticed, you turned back to your counter.

"Fine, then do it now," Freddie advised and Roger looked at you considered. "Wait where's she going?" Freddie asked after noticing your figure leaving your position.

"James, would you mind taking my place for a moment? I really need to use the bathroom." You called for your colleague who politely came to your counter.

"Sure, go ahead. I'll be here as long as you need." He smiled and you left for the bathroom to take a very needed pee.

"Shall I go after her?" Roger asked.

"Fucking go!" Freddie pushed Roger to run after you no matter how awkward it would be.

You walked in the staff-only bathroom, rushing to the toilet. After drinking a few shots, you needed to pee like a champion. When you pushed the flusher you unlocked your door and the very first thing you saw, was Roger standing at the wall.

"What the hell are you doing here, get out!" You were shocked by his presence and he wouldn't move.

"This is the only chance I have with you right now. Your boss can't see us." He came closer to you.

"No, but he'll get suspicious!" You tried to pull back until you reached the counter. Now you were sandwiched between Roger and the counter. There was no space between you. His face was coming closer to yours.

"I locked the door in any case." His nose tickled yours and his hands placed you on top of the counter, sitting now and having his bulge, against your area. That feeling is the shit.

"I work here, I can't..." you tried to refuse but the feeling of getting fucked couldn't stop you.

"I can't be in this toilet too, but here I am." His lips touched yours with passion and lust. His arms wrapped your waist and lowered down to your arse, squeezing it gently and your hands moved to his neck and his cheeks, trying to hug most of it. You haven't gotten kissed nor fucked for a long time.

Living on the west side of Europe had given you many opportunities. The situation you're currently now couldn't even be referred to Greek religious people as a joke. They'd freak out and tell you crap like you ashamed your honour, your family and your future husband. Your parents were too open-minded to let you live in West Europe and live your life as you wanted to. You had sex with your boyfriend at nineteen, with no need to be your first wedding night, you wear shorts on summers because you feel like it and now you're having a one night stand with a rockstar of a band you like and it's never gonna be the same anymore. You played it hard-to-get because you felt it was wrong. But it wasn't. It's just one more experience to add to your diary.

"Are you sure you want to do this, here?" He stopped the kiss for a second, to ask for your approval.

"Yes, but let it be fast, or I'll be in trouble." You checked at the door. "Are you certain the door's locked?" You asked.

"Yes, I am. It's just that..." he stopped.

"What?" You were scared he regretted it and he'd leave you like the mess you already are.

"I want to get more of you, but in this counter, I don't have the chance. I'll cope with it." He unbuttoned your suit while your hands tried to unzip his jeans.

"If you stay a little longer in Mallorca, you can get more of me." You winked and he smiled, thinking he has more chances with you.

"Works for me." He whispered and turned to your lips again for a passionate kiss.

He helped you with taking your suit off, now staying on your bra when your hands put his jeans down. "Mind taking your bra off?" He asked while his mouth travelled your neck, giving it soft kisses.

"I'd rather wear it..." you refused taking it off after gaining a lot of insecurities because of your ex-boyfriend. You remember him saying how small your breasts are and with that, no other man can see it. Your A-cups haven't be seen by any other man. Not even by your ex after the second time, you had sex with him.

"As you wish..." he didn't insist and pulled your skirt up, on your waist, with his bulge rubbing against your core and turning you instantly wet. "How long has it been?" He asked after noticing the humidity between your legs with his hand.

"Must be eight months. I'm out of practice." You sighed.

"Don't feel bad about it, I'll do the work. You're already wet for me. I like it." He bit his lower lip and turned to your lips again, for a deep kiss. "God, you are fat-bottomed aren't you?" He smiled between the kiss after squeezing your thighs and your small waist. "I'm starting to have a thing for greek girls." He complimented your body type and that boosted your low confidence level. With a simple move, he placed you against the mirror, taking your thong off your left leg to have clear access inside your wet area. His hand pulled his erected penis out of his black underwear, ready to thrust inside you.

"You better start before I cum untouched." You exhaled and balanced yourself at the counter.

He smirked and trusted inside you, feeling him completely weird inside you, maybe because you haven't had sex for more than half a year. The sensation was amazing and penetration was always the thing that released you from thoughts. His hands squeezed your thighs and each thrust was a try to pull you closer to his pelvis. You couldn't stop breathing heavily. You had to be quiet and so did he. It was a staff-only bathroom and the key was turned horizontally so no-one could break in with a spare key.

"Oh god, this is amazing..." you moaned at every pleasuring wave while your hands played with his blonde hair.

"Fuck, yes, you're so tight and wet for me." He tightened his teeth as he exhaled into your ear.

His thrusts were giving you the orgasm you haven't had for a long time. It was the tension between you, that made it more passionate but fast enough to make you come earlier than you thought. Soft whimperings coming from your mouth sent him the message that you were close enough and so was he. You could tell by his sharp thrusts, getting smoother and sudden. His gaze was focused on your eyes. Your sight was getting blurry and your legs began to shake; it happens when you reach your orgasm and it feels terrific.

"Ah, God..." you moaned and tilted your head behind, where the mirror is. "That was so refreshing." You gasped after wearing your thong again.

"Ain't gonna lie, but this WC shag was the best I had." He laughed and wore his underwear and jeans again.

"I can't make comparisons to it, I've only had two boyfriends in my life and this is my first time fucking a stranger at my workplace's restroom." You buttoned your suit and stood up from the counter to fix yourself.

"Stranger?" He asked confused.

"Stranger, Roger. I mean, I do know you're a rockstar, a member of my favourite band and I've seen you live once but it won't change the fact you're a stranger. I know you as a persona, not as a person. You get it?" You tried to explain how it feels.

"Oh, I see." He nodded. "Will I see you again? I want to know you as a person if you want that too." He suggested.

"Sure." You kissed his cheek gently, letting him take the lead. You wanted him to make the move. "I'll just walk out from the WC first and make sure no one sees you when you get out." You said and walked through the door until someone tried to get in. A knock on the door was heard.

"Ellen, are you still in there?" It was James.

"Yes, I'm coming." You internally panicked and hinted at Roger to hide in the toilet. "Hey James, is everything alright?" You asked after opening the door.

"Yes, I wanted to check on you. You were absent for a quarter. Are you okay? You look like a mess." James liked you for a long period of time but he wasn't your type. He's way too cute for your standards.

"Yeah, I'm fine... I just felt a little dizzy and wanted to wash my face with cold water. I needed it." You lied after checking your face in the mirror. You were red as a tomato.

"Oh, fine then. You should get back to your post. The boss has been looking for you." He pointed outside and you felt really bad about it. Your boss suspects you since the moment you started chatting with the blonde man hiding in the toilet.

"Alright, I'll be back in a minute." You closed the door to his face and rushed to the toilet where Roger was hiding.

"You're a cute little liar, aren't you?" He teased and gave you a little slap on your butt cheek.

"I won't be anymore if my boss finds out." You rushed, trying to leave the toilet.

"How will I reach you?" He asked trying to learn your phone number.

"Just come at my post and I'll hand you a drink." You declared and left the room, heading fastly at your post. You stared at the Queen members, looking at you all smiles and winks. They probably knew what happened a quarter ago.

You fixed another drink for Roger, trying to look calm and relaxed. But you weren't. You were tense and it could be seen. Two minutes later, Roger came to your counter again with a crooked smile on his face, waiting for the drink. He was looking whether at his bandmates or you. There was absolute silence.

"Here's your drink." You smiled and handed his drink with a small paper around the glass. He carefully grabbed the paper so it couldn't be seen and walked away, heading to the balcony.

He grabbed the paper, unfolded it and there was your phone number and a note in it: "thanks for giving me a good time Rog"

He smirked at your note and placed it in his pocket, anticipating the moment he'd call you.