#i can be skinnier than ive been in years i will do it i can do it

[mickinspo]

i'm so endlessly proud of myself, of how actually easily i can pull off 200-300kcal a day plus 30min workout and lots of walking. others might have strenght to go even further but this is insane to me; just a month ago i didn't think i could cut out snacks and big meals and now i rely on max. 2 100g meals a day and one or two lowcal snack.

[tinylittlebab]

ill be skinny and dying and ill look beautiful and people will like me it has to happen or id rather die

whats the point of being lonely and in pain all the time and then having to get a job and hate doing that if i have no friends and hate myself. the one thing that keeps me wanting to live wont be good enough once u have to work and in that case id rather just die

:(

[wlwjennie]

i wish my sister didnt have to put me down to feel better about herself

[ladywaffles]

hello fellow hearing aid wearer! any tips for me? this is my first time having an aid and it's getting a little overwhelming, ive never been able to hear properly so its a shock for sure! any tips on maintenance, cleaning, using it etc? 💘

omg yes hello! i am so happy for you, i remember when i first got mine. the world seemed so much brighter somehow! that being said, here are my tips from ~7 years of hearing aid use. i wear a starkey in-ear model, so some of these might not necessarily apply to you, but i hope you find them helpful!

1) don’t sleep with it on

seems like a gimme, right? i don’t know about you, but i am a very lazy person, and i’m prone to being lazy especially when it’s time for bed or if i’m just chilling in my room and getting ready for a cat nap. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve had to shake out my duvet in a panic because it slipped out while i was sleeping. to get around this: keep a little space on your dresser/nightstand clean, right next to your bed. close enough that you don’t have to get up to put your hearing aid there, but far away enough that it won’t get knocked off if you throw a pillow off your bed. i have a little jewelry dish on my nightstand for this purpose. you can also use a little bowl or box!

2) sewing pins are your friends

one of the best ways to make sure you don’t have itchy ears all the time is to make sure the airways they build into the hearing aid stay free of debris (earwax). this allows for some air to get in, so your ear doesn’t tell your body, “hey, there’s something in my canal, please produce more wax to push it out.” (this is inevitable if you have an in-ear hearing aid like i do.) your defender? sewing pins. these guys have a longer reach than some of the cleaning tools that you are given when you first get your hearing aid, and they’re skinnier so they can get at more of the tiny debris in the airway. be careful not to use too much pressure so as to not break either the needle or the hearing aid itself. never put the needle inside the mechanism itself. only use it on the parts that are meant to provide air flow.

3) it’s not safe to go alone; never go questing without it

always try to have an emergency kit of necessities with you. i always had a spare battery and a spare wax guard in my travel hearing aid case. i was really lucky in that my doctor was able to provide me with one case for home and one case for my bag, since i live in a humid place and humidity and hearing aids are mortal enemies. (i tend not to wear it outside so as to prolong its life; i only put it in once i’m indoors.) i always kept a spare battery in it and one of those little wax guard sticks, since you never know. the second week i had my hearing aid, the battery died on me in the middle of a movie, and i was fumbling to replace it in the dark theater while my friend laughed at me. twas bad timing overall, since the main character’s father had just died on screen and everyone in the theater was silent. oops! i would also think about getting one of those travel cases of q-tips. you can get them in a pack of 30 at target, walmart, or a drugstore of your choice. this can also function as an emergency case if it starts pouring outside and you don’t have a case with you, and it can hold a battery wheel and a few wax guards too. (ik you’re not supposed to stick q-tips in your ears but once you’ve been wearing your aid for a few hours, it Does get itchy and waxy and sometimes you just gotta get that ish outta there, ya know?) q-tips can also be used to scrub the outside of your hearing aid if there is debris (wax) stuck to them. a clean hearing aid will make for a less itchy wearing experience.

4) humidity is your mortal enemy

i mean, obviously right? aside from the fact humidity makes it feel like soup outside (blech), hearing aids hate being wet and they don’t take to functioning in the humidity well. i have to regularly put mine in a dehumidifier to make sure it works. if your hearing aid suddenly stops working, don’t panic immediately. if it’s been raining or it’s spring or summer, it probably just needs to be dehumidified. put it in for a few hours/overnight, and try again. if it still doesn’t function, then tell someone. there have been so many times when my hearing aid just quit on me in the middle of a lecture, and it was always because it had stormed right before or right after. look for a dehumidifier that’s a one-time purchase; some of them contain beads that can be reactivated by simply baking them or putting them in the microwave. never leave your battery in your hearing aid when you put it in the dehumidifier.

5) be an ambassador!

one of my favorite things about wearing my hearing aid is talking about it. i’m in my twenties, and most people don’t think about people who are “young” needing/wearing hearing aids. i get to explain about hearing loss, the different types of it, and why i wear a hearing aid even though it doesn’t fully restore me to 100% hearing (because tinnitus). never be ashamed of it, and only answer questions you feel comfortable with. kids who wear hearing aids are usually the most fun, because you can show them you match and make their day. don’t forget to have fun with it! one time this person was being kind of a bag of dicks to me, and when i asked them to repeat something because i didn’t hear it the first time because i was deaf, they went, “oh, yeah i totally get it. i’m deaf and i always miss things ha ha ha,” and i said, “no, i’m really deaf.” and then i pulled out my hearing aid and they looked like they sucked on a sour lemon because they were like oh CRAP she’s actually deaf abort abort ABORT. it’s the little things in life, ya know?

i hope you find these tips helpful on your journey! if you ever need any more help, i’m always just an ask away.

[notxherexx]

tw ed

i want to completely relapse so bad. i miss being sick, fasting for a week, having 100-200 calories then throwing it up and fasting for another week. i felt so euphoric and in control. if it wasnt for inpatient i couldve continued to get skinnier, why are people so selfish? they put me in hospital because i was making them “miserable” and they “hated watching me waste away”. either i feel good about myself and they be miserable, or i be miserable with myself and them be happy and carry on with their lives like i never existed because im eating more than i need and becoming overweight. they need to stop pretending to care. and they kept telling me “theres healthier ways to do it” but why should i do that if starving is working and at such a fast rate. i dont give two sh^ts about being “healthy”. the feeling of stepping on the scales every minute of the day and seeing the number get lower and lower was just the best. it’s indescribable but i know others understand that feeling. but then i was put in inpatient and i lost all my progress. i gained even more weight than i started with before ana (63kg) and now im literally an overweight bmi, even thinking about it makes me want to un4l!ve. how could they do that to someone whos fear is literally even being a healthy weight. they held me down and tied me to a hospital bed to force-feed me and it was so traumatic and i wish i could just be lovely without being threatened by people sending me back. i cant fast anymore because my family sits every meal with me. i can refuse to eat, but thats when ill be sent back to inpatient and im not letting that happen. i cant start fasting again until after my brothers birthday (7th of Sep) because i want him to enjoy his day, i cant be that selfish. i’ll definitely start fasting and let myself give in to all the voices in about three weeks, after a holiday. id do it now but ive been looking foward to this holiday for so long and i really dont want to miss it. until then ill just restrict as much as i can without any notice so i can look a bit thinner on holiday. the maximum amount of calories ill eat in a day will be 1000. its alot but i have to stick to that so my parents dont cancel the holiday. oh how i miss the days when the voices took over. i didnt have to show emotion and i miss running my hands across bare skin and bones along my hips and ribs. id even started to develop a thigh gap, which was amazing because ive always had bigger thighs. i cant wait until next month. by the end of the year i will become walking th!nspo opposed to staring at the th!nspo on my screen.

[zintranslations]

Kaleidoscope of Death, Extra 4

Kaleidoscope of Death by Xi Zixu Link to Chinese / Novel Updates

Extra: Twin Lives, Twin Deaths (1)

The first time Cheng Yixie understood that he likely wouldn't live for long was on the day of his fifth birthday. While other five-year-olds were still bumbling about without much concept of life and death, he had understood something in his mother's tears and his father's frowns. His fifth birthday was spent in the hospital, alongside his foolish brother Cheng Qianli. With IV drips in their arms and eating horribly bitter medicine, they stuck five candles into a lovely cake to make a wish.

Cheng Yixie looked at the candles on their cake and quietly thought, he wished he could grow up quicker, because there were still placed he wanted to see in this world.

Cheng Qianli clearly didn’t think as much as Cheng Yixie. He wore a brilliant smile in sharp contrast with the impassive Cheng Yixie sitting next to him, and all of his attention was on the sweet and spongey cake before him. Fools had an easier time than geniuses. A single sweet candy could bring a genuine smile out of him.

Cheng Yixie and Cheng Qianli were twins, but everything about them beside their faces seemed completely different.

Cheng Yixie had realized long ago that they were different from other kids. He'd even heard a doctor discuss their condition with their parents. From that discussion, a single sentence had been imprinted in his brain. Their primary doctor had said that, at the current level of medical progress, he and Cheng Qianli would not live past sixteen.

Sixteen—sixteen. Life would only just be starting. Cheng Yixie went back to their hospital room and watched his brother sit in the hospital bed, giggling at the cartoon on TV. There wasn't a single shadow in Cheng Qianli's eyes; they were as bright as the blue skies outside their window.

Cheng Qianli was a lot skinnier than he was, and his body was weaker too. Though he was almost ten, he still looked like an undernourished bean sprout. For treatment, neither of them had any hair. All over their heads and wrists were green and purple puncture marks.

Cheng Yixie came into the hospital room and Cheng Qianli looked up at him, calling out Gege in a sweet voice. That pair of adorable cat eyes were overflowing with palpable joy; he'd never bothered hiding his affection for Cheng Yixie.

"Gege." The tiny Cheng Qianli looked right and left, before carefully waving Cheng Yixie over.

Cheng Yixie went to his bedside, and Cheng Qianli indicated he should bend down. Cheng Yixie thought that Cheng Qianli had something to say to him and obeyed. But the moment he bent, a tiny piece of candy was pushed between his lips.

"Sh," Cheng Qianli said. "Don't tell nurse-jiejie. Grandma gave it to me in secret. I gave it a lick, it's super yummy."

Because they were sick, their diets were under strict control; the amount of snacks they got to eat in a year could be counted on both hands. Cheng Yixie thought, how nice would it be if they were normal children? Then Cheng Yixie could eat all the food that he wanted, and they wouldn't have to be doing such a pitiful thing.

"You're feeding me something you already ate?" was how Cheng Yixie responded to Cheng Qianli's good will. "Gross."

"You're lying," Cheng Qianli harrumphed. "You like candy too, I know it. Mean gege."

Cheng Yixie said nothing. The candy's sweetness was dispersing through his mouth, but all he could see was their future. He couldn't imagine losing this foolish brother of his; he wanted so badly to see Cheng Qianli grow up and have a life of his own.

Cheng Yixie thought surviving was just wishful thinking, until he was chosen by the doors.

The terrifying world of the doors was perhaps an awful sort of torture for many, but for Cheng Yixie, it was a blessing of mercy from the heavens.

When he entered the first door he wasn't even sixteen, and looked completely out of place in the pack of adults.

His first door was very difficult. Cheng Yixie believed that he would die inside, but his fortune was good—he met a veteran who'd passed through many doors. That veteran opened the door, and Cheng Yixie successfully left that extra-dimensional world.

After coming out from the door, Cheng Yixie's physical condition began to swiftly get better.

The doctors called it a miracle. They were getting the same medicine and the same treatments, but Cheng Yixie's body was getting better and quickly approaching normalcy, while Cheng Qianli's was getting weaker.

Cheng Yixie knew why this was happening. He tried telling this absurd yet genuine truth to his parents, but both parents thought he was joking.

In everybody else's eyes, Cheng Yixie had only sat on his bed and spaced out for a bit. He hadn't gone anywhere. Everything he said was probably just a child's imagination. How could they take the imaginary as truth?

Cheng Yixie was smart enough to know that the adults would never understand. This matter had already gone beyond explicable bounds, and he had no evidence to prove the existence of the door.

Then what about Cheng Qianli? Cheng Yixie thought. What about his little fool of a brother?

Before Cheng Yixie had an answer, he entered his second door. And in his second door, he met Obsidian leader Ruan Nanzhu.

Ruan Nanzhu had been in a dress at the time, and called him kiddo with a smile.

Cheng Yixie only shot him a cold look, not bothering to respond. What good was any of this talk? In his first door he'd seen plenty of adults who acted all arrogant and coy one second end up dead the next.

Cheng Yixie figured the same would be true of Ruan Nanzhu. But then he discovered that Ruan Nanzhu didn't seem to be as he'd thought. Ruan Nanzhu was good. Cheng Yixie was keen enough to pick this up after observing Ruan Nanzhu's following actions.

As Ruan Nanzhu got ready to leave, he gave Cheng Yixie a way to contact him, telling Cheng Yixie that if he wanted to know more, he could get in touch.

Cheng Yixie looked at that contact point and memorized it silently.

After leaving the second door, Cheng Yixie got in touch with Ruan Nanzhu and learned about the existence of Obsidian.

"Do you want to come to Obsidian? Maybe you can live for a bit longer here," Ruan Nanzhu said.

Cheng Yixie agreed. He didn't even get his parents' permission before leaving the hospital. He flew to the city where Ruan Nanzhu lived that night.

This was actually quite the risky gamble, because Cheng Yixie couldn't be sure if Ruan Nanzhu actually had any good will toward him. He was just a helpless kid, and if Ruan Nanzhu really wanted to do something to him, he had no chance of even resisting.

But Cheng Yixie could only make the gamble, because Cheng Qianli didn't have much time left.

There was an obvious contrast now that Cheng Yixie was getting healthier. Cheng Qianli was like a plant approaching winter; life was flowing out of him at a rate visible to the naked eye.

After arriving at Obsidian, the first thing he asked upon meeting Ruan Nanzhu was, "can other people get the doors too?"

To his question, Ruan Nanzhu was silent for a while, before saying, "yes, but I'm not telling you how."

"Why not?" Cheng Yixie asked.

"Because you pay with somebody else's life," Ruan Nanzhu said. "Can you do such a thing?"

Cheng Yixie was silent.

Ruan Nanzhu didn't continue the topic, only gave him a simple introduction to the doors. He told him about the hints, about Obsidian, and about some other things. Of course, from start to finish, he never once told Cheng Yixie how to steal somebody else's door. He only warned Cheng Yixie to hide his identity inside the door, or else there would be danger.

Cheng Yixie paid close attention. As he listened, however, he kept thinking about Cheng Qianli. He was thinking that even if he did steal a door for Cheng Qianli, would Cheng Qianli be able to make it out?

The worlds inside the doors were so scary, and didn't suit the naive Cheng Qianli at all. Even if he stole the doors for Cheng Qianli like Ruan Nanzhu said, would it be just another form of torture for Cheng Qianli?

He was so small, and so scared of the dark. He was so completely different from Cheng Yixie. He was just a normal kid.

That night, Cheng Yixie sat in the garden by himself for a long, long time. It wasn't until dawn emerged over the horizon that he rubbed his dry eyes and went impassively back into the house.

What Cheng Yixie was thinking, nobody knew. Since that day on, he never once returned home, and he never once contacted Cheng Qianli.

Is it because your brother's too stupid? So you don't like him anymore? someone asked Cheng Yixie once. Cheng Yixie didn't say anything in return, just shot that person an icy look.

The reason he didn't go back and didn't contact Cheng Qianli was because he was scared. He was scared that he wouldn't be able to control himself, and he would do something out of bounds.

He didn't even dare try to think about Cheng Qianli dying. The moment he thought about it, many terrifying thoughts would surface in his mind.

Cheng Qianli was the calamity in Cheng Yixie's life that he could never escape; he knew that for this brother of his, he could cross even the lowest lines.

And when he became conscious of this, the only thing Cheng Yixie could do was reduce the influence Cheng Qianli had on him—even if the reduction process was tantamount to cutting out a part of himself by brute force.

They were twins. Twins linked by blood. A single glance, a single look, and they could understand what the other was thinking; even a thousand miles away, Cheng Yixie could feel Cheng Qianli growing gradually weaker.

Cheng Yixie thought everything would end like this. But one afternoon, he got a call from Cheng Qianli.

To this very day, Cheng Yixie could recall the weather then.

It was a drizzling spring day, and the shrubs in the yard were lush with greenery. Everything was filled with the breath of revival. And Cheng Qianli's voice came from the other end of the line, sniffling and a little bit weak. He cried, "Ge, Ge, I'm so scared—"

Cheng Yixie, "what's wrong?" He'd sensed something, and his voice couldn't help but tighten in alarm.

"I went into a door." Cheng Qianli spoke in frail stutters. "There were so many ghosts inside. I finally came out. Am I dreaming…When are you coming back…I miss you so much…" It seemed he was growing unconscious, slowly beginning to mumble nonsense.

As Cheng Yixie listened, however, he began to laugh quietly. He laughed until tears came out, and said, "don't be scared. Gege's here. Wait for Gege to come back."

Gege will protect you.

And so, Cheng Yixie understood that he'd never escape Cheng Qianli the calamity. He would use every single method at his disposal to protect Cheng Qianli's life. He would see him grow up, marry, have children. His children would have children and he would definitely live on and prosper.

Author's Note:

Here's the long-awaited twins extra!

[Extra: Shameless Couple(2)] | [Extra: Twin Lives, Twin Deaths(2)]

[kissed-by-snow]

My Take on the Radiant Quote

Jon noticed the shy looks she [Myrcella] gave Robb as they passed between the tables and the timid way she smiled at him. He decided she was insipid. Robb didn't even have the sense to realize how stupid she was; he was grinning like a fool.

His half sisters escorted the royal princes. Arya was paired with plump young Tommen, whose white-blond hair was longer than hers.

Sansa, two years older, drew the crown prince, Joffrey Baratheon [...] Sansa looked radiant as she walked beside him, but Jon did not like Joffrey's pouty lips or the bored, disdainful way he looked at Winterfell's Great Hall. 

- A Game of Thrones, Jon I

Let me begin by saying I don’t think Jon describes Sansa this way because of  a romantic interest in her. However,  I do think this quote is interesting because it describes their relationship in a different way and has other implications. One way to read this quote is by contrasting to how he sees about Myrcella to how he sees Sansa. 

Objectively, both Sansa and Myrcella feel the same about the boys escorting them - flushed and lovestruck, but Jon calls Sansa radiant and Myrcella insipid and stupid.

The reason for this could be multiple things:

he’s notes how happy she is (notice he doesn’t talk about Arya’s appearance - which is probably either disappointed, disgruntled or neutral - most likely because Sansa’s happiness is so vibrant)

a side observation might be that he’s never seen Sansa look so happy?

he’s happy that she’s happy (calls her radiant when he could have mocked her admiration by calling her insipid)

This leads me to believe that their relationship isn’t as bad as people usually interpret it to be. I think they had a fairly neutral relationship but didn’t have much to bond over (he’s into swords, she’s into embroidery he was a punk, she did ballet, what more can I say) and with contrasting personalities, tended not to gravitate towards each other. So, a neutral but respectful relationship considering their own duties, roles and how they spend their time (which was mainly in different social circles).

Now, the people Jon most frequently remembers are his father (for obvious reasons) Robb and Arya.

First, let’s begin with Jon’s relationship with Robb.

Robb, his rival and best friend and constant companion;

- AGOT, Jon III

Jon told the story of how he and Robb had found the pups newborn in the late summer snows.

Robb and Bran and Rickon were his father's sons, and he loved them still, yet Jon knew that he had never truly been one of them.

Jon had often hunted with his father and Jory and his brother Robb. He knew the wolfswood around Winterfell as well as any man

- AGOT Jon IV

Jon was still not certain how he felt about it. Robb a king? The brother he'd played with, fought with, shared his first cup of wine with? But not mother's milk, no. So now Robb will sip summerwine from jeweled goblets, while I'm kneeling beside some stream sucking snowmelt from cupped hands. "Robb will make a good king," he said loyally.

- ACOK, Jon I

...so Robb and he used to climb the towers of Winterfell to shout at each other across the yard.

- ASOS, Jon VII

Once Jon had meant to prove them wrong, to show his lord father that he could be as good and true a son as Robb. I made a botch of that. Robb had become a hero king; if Jon was remembered at all, it would be as a turncloak, an oathbreaker, and a murderer. He was glad that Lord Eddard was not alive to see his shame.

- ASOS, Jon X

When Jon had been very young, too young to understand what it meant to be a bastard, he used to dream that one day Winterfell might be his. Later, when he was older, he had been ashamed of those dreams. Winterfell would go to Robb and then his sons, or to Bran or Rickon should Robb die childless. 

- ASOS, Jon XI

You can't be the Lord of Winterfell, you're bastard-born, he heard Robb say again. And the stone kings were growling at him with granite tongues. You do not belong here.

A son was something Jon Snow had never dared dream of, since he decided to live his life on the Wall. I could name him Robb. 

- ASOS, Jon XII

It reminded him of warmer, simpler days, when he had been a boy at Winterfell matching blades with Robb under the watchful eye of Ser Rodrik Cassel

- ADWD, Jon VI

From the above quotes, we see that Jon’s memories oscillate between feeling fond and mildly resentful/jealous of his brother. They’ve been together the longest and had the most in common but Jon was constantly aware of the distance in status between them. And when you consider the fact that Ned wanted Jon to have the best education possible, Robb and Jon had more reasons to spend time together but his status as a bastard in comparison to Robb’s as the heir of Winterfell, does seem to hold him a little back from having a bond as close as the one he has to Arya. 

Now Jon and Arya almost seem to have too many reasons to be close. From sharing the Stark look (which in the books, only they share and which may have made Jon feel a little better compared to Robb) to feeling out of place (Jon as a bastard and Arya not wanting to conform to traditional femininity) and having common interests (fighting, mainly). Add on to the fact that Arya is almost just as likely to inherit Winterfell as Jon? Yeah, they have every reason to be close.  

And Arya … he missed her even more than Robb, skinny little thing that she was, all scraped knees and tangled hair and torn clothes, so fierce and willful. Arya never seemed to fit, no more than he had … yet she could always make Jon smile. 

AGOT, Jon III

Something about her made him think of Arya, though they looked nothing at all alike

ACOK, Jon VI

She wasn't wed and her weapon of choice was a short curved bow of horn and weirwood, but "spearwife" fit her all the same. She reminded him a little of his sister Arya, though Arya was younger and probably skinnier

ASOS, Jon II

Jon Snow sank to one knee in the snow. Gods of my fathers, protect these men. And Arya too, my little sister, wherever she might be. I pray you, let Mance find her and bring her safe to me.

But what if Arya was not there to be saved? What if Lady Melisandre's flames had told it true? Could his sister truly have escaped such captors? How would she do that? Arya was always quick and clever, but in the end she's just a little girl, and Roose Bolton is not the sort who would be careless with a prize of such great worth.

ADWD, Jon VII

He wanted to believe it would be Arya. He wanted to see her face again, to smile at her and muss her hair, to tell her she was safe. She won't be safe, though. Winterfell is burned and broken and there are no more safe places.

Wherever he might send her, though, Arya would need silver to support her, a roof above her head, someone to protect her. She was only a child.

“Once Cregan gets a child by me they won't need me anymore. He's buried two wives already." She rubbed away a tear angrily, the way Arya might have done it. "Will you help me?"

ADWD, Jon IX

It had been so long since he had last seen Arya. What would she look like now? Would he even know her? Arya Underfoot. Her face was always dirty. Would she still have that little sword he'd had Mikken forge for her? Stick them with the pointy end, he'd told her. Wisdom for her wedding night if half of what he heard of Ramsay Snow was true. Bring her home, Mance. I saved your son from Melisandre, and now I am about to save four thousand of your free folk. You owe me this one little girl.

ADWD, Jon XI

Compared to Robb, every memory Jon has of Arya is positive. He emphasizes their similarities and feels protective of her as she was the closest family member to him (and he still thinks of her as a child in ADWD which is why Jonarya makes me feel more than a little uncomfortable). He sees her in everything and everyone because she’s directly tied to his happiest memories and is his closest tie to the Stark family.

TL: DR - So, the reason he reminisces about Robb is because he grew up with him (and was a similar age to him, had the same education and also shared a father) and even more with Arya because they related to each other the most and had the Stark look (especially Arya because he doesn’t have the attached semi-resentment of Robb becoming the lord of winterfell, because it’s what he’s always wanted).

This doesn’t mean that Jon and Sansa’s relationship was awful or horrible or that they hated each other. Just that Jon has more memories and similarities to Robb and Arya.

Moving forward, I would like to see them develop a closer relationship (once they reunite - I’m tentatively in the camp of Grey Girl Sansa -  through their own reciprocal experiences (Jon, from bastard to Lord Commander, and Sansa, from Lady to Bastard), learning the value of home (both Jon and Sansa were most eager to leave, albeit for different reasons) and coming to appreciate each other’s compatible but different skill sets. 

[golbrocklovely]

I agree about the type of fans he notices. I sometimes feel like its the same thing with the type of girls he follows and decides to like all their pics..Now im not shaming the girls he notices who are fans because its not all of them that do this but theres been some that he notices so much that they start acting like he's their best friend and in turn feel like they can shame other fans because they don't look the part (ive noticed this on instagram and twitter).

Sam doesnt notice anyone i feel lol.

you see, things used to be so different a couple years back.

sam used to notice fans all the time. like seriously, he would go on liking sprees on insta back in 2018-19 and ppl loved him for it. and then at the same time, colby would like a few things here and there, but bc he wasn't interacting with us "enough" he would get hate for it. ppl used to shit on colby for not paying attention to fans back then, or for only paying attention to the same few (godcolbs was one of them).

i remember even saying 'sam is the better mutual' as a joke... but i kinda meant it. bc it wasn't just sam liking, he had followed some fans too, and would comment on stuff occasionally. colby didn't really do that and fans were upset bc they would put so much time and effort in, only to get nothing in return. or for the same handful of ppl to be noticed.

and that's the thing, some of the ppl that got noticed a lot would get a little full of themselves and act like they were besties with colby when we all knew that wasn't the case.

now it's different. honestly, and weirdly enough i just noticed, ever since metalife stopped being a thing, snc don't interact with us the same way they used to. idk if that has anything to do with it, but since mid-2020, they don't talk to us the same.

i think they are slowly starting to get back to how things kinda were. i mean the "problem" is they have so many fans now that it's hard to pay attention to us as much as they once did. and i know it's not their job to go thru twitter and insta and like shit and repost. it's nice that they do it when they can.

i hope one day they can come back to twitter like they once used to be on. i like hearing what they have to say about whatever's on their mind.

and to bring it back to merch, any person that has gotten noticed by them, i'm so happy for them. truly. it just sucks that sometimes it feels like certain bodies get more attention than others. or that... if i was skinnier, would i be noticed more?

[julessworldd]

Little Rose ch. 5

Warnings: cursing, angst, fighting, overdose, flashbacks(if that’s a warning?), a happy ending..

A/n: I wrote down what this chapter was supposed to be focus on, but I got to writing and the focus changed. This fanfic has really fucked up the original timeline of the band, but it’s fanfic so you gotta do spin offs. Not sure how long, I’ll keep writing for this fic. I love this universe along with my others, I’ve created since bringing my work to the public. I’ll stop talking now. Hope you enjoy! :) sorry i missed any grammar errors, what should be warning. I was starting to have a migrane as I was finishing editing. 

I loved being on tour, seeing the world, watching my brother and his band doing what they enjoy so much. This tour was different from any other before, Erin, my sister-in-law is pregnant. Axl had updated me about her and my peanut, Erin had braxton hicks the last couple months. Peanut loved kicking the hell out of her ribs all through the day and night, heartburn from hell, swollen ankles, sore feet. Poor Erin was exhausted and she wasn’t even due for another 3 weeks. Axl had been on edge, worrying that he would miss the birth of his first child. Their manager told him that we would be back in  LA around a week before she was due. It had helped him some but he was still on egg shells, Axl’s behavior was affecting the band. They never seen him so worrisome before, sure that time I had the flu and food poisoning at the same time. We’re all still so young, none of us really knew what to expect with his daughter on the way. 

Duff was in the shower, I was sitting at the table that was in our room, looking over dates. Some many shows and interviews, I don’t see how they function this shit especially on tour. “Hey Pumpkin, what are you doing over there?”, Duff said. I looked up to see a white towel low on his hips, “Just passing time. Get dressed, you’re dripping all over the floor”, I said. “When is baby Rose due again?”He asked. “Huh oh uh”, I flipped through the planner. “September 24th, if she’s not stubborn. Poor Erin is miserable right now”, I smiled, thinking of Erin all swollen belly, waddling around, mental cursing Axl for making her pregnant. “Izzy and I are betting against Slash that Axl will faint when he’s in the room with Erin”, Duff grinned. “Don’t do that. They’re both scared having their first kid”, I sighed. “I’m sorry I already put 30 bucks on Axl fainting and Erin crushing his hand”, Duff stuck his tongue out. There was a knock on the door, Duff walked over to answer it. 

“Hey Izzy”, Duff said, shutting the door. “Hey Izzy, sleep good?”, I asked, shutting my planner. “We need to talk, Jane”, Izzy gritted his teeth. “What now?”, I sighed, trying to read his body language for signs of withdrawal. Izzy was gonna speak but he fainted, He hit the floor hard and started jerking around. “Izzy!”I ran over to him and tried to get him before he hit the floor. 

I looked over at him, his lips were blue, he was fighting for air, his heart was beating hard as I felt his chest. “Shit!”I started to panic, I looked at Duff. He was stunned and rubbing his chest. Possible overdose and panic attack, great. “Duff, baby. I need to breathe okay? Breathe with me”, I said. “1,2,3 and breathe out on 4. Duff, I need to call the front desk and have them get the paramedics here”, I said calmly. Duff walked over to the phone, “Izzy, come on wake up”, I looked for bloody track marks or a needle stuck in his clothes.  “Ma'am, I need you to move for me. Your friend needs help”, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see a tallish, dark haired behind me. “Yeah, sorry”, I said, walking over to Duff. He tears in his eyes, his breathing was out of rhythm again. “Duff, baby I need you to focus on me, okay? Izzy is gonna be alright. Hey look at me”, I whispered, rubbing his arm. “Miss?”, a tiny femme voice asked. I tore my attention from Duff, “Yeah?” “What’s your friend’s name?”She asked. “Izzy Stradlin, 26, April 8th, 1962”, I realized what she was doing. “Okay thank you. What happened? You two didn't take anything right?”

“He came into our room, said he needed to talk to me about something, he collapsed before he got to me and said what he needed. We didn’t take anything. I’m just gonna save you and your partner trouble. Izzy is on heroin and some sorta pills”, I said, looking at Izzy being pulled on the stretcher. “Alright, thank you. I’m sorry you two witnessed his overdose”, She gave a small smile. “Thanks. I have to tell my brother what happened and we’ll be at the hospital”, I said as Izzy was pushed out of the room. “What the hell?!”, I heard Axl yell. “Janiee!!”He rushed into the room. “What happened to Izzy?”, Axl yelled. “Knock it off, you’ll trigger another panic attack for Duff. Izzy collapsed when he came in here, apparently it’s an overdose according to the medics. Axl, I’m so scared”, I cried, Axl pulled me into his arms. “Shhh, it’s okay. We’ll go see Izzy when we can. I’m not gonna let him join the 27 club a year early or ever”, Axl brushed my hair. 

The doctor finally told us what happened to Izzy, he swallowed his entire pill stash, overdosed into a coma. Highly recommend we cancel our show this week. “You can go see him, but one at a time”, the doctor said. “Janie, you go”, Axl gave a weak smile. “Alright”, I turned the knob and shut the door behind me. Izzy laid still on the bed, wires stuck in him, IV bag by his beside with other machines. His face was pale like a ghost, he looked skinnier than usual. “Izzy, it’s me Janie. Can’t believe you overdosed, I thought you were wanting to get clean. You were over the heroin shit and you started pills. Please wake up Izzy! I need you just a bit longer, you’re my big brother. Who else is gonna listen to me when I’m pissed off at Duff?”, I held his hand. Machines just beeped and oxygen was flowing in his nose. “I read where coma patients can hear what’s going around them. I hope you can hear me because I want you to know that I love you very much. Please get better soon. I’m gonna go now, Axl will be pitching a fit if he doesn’t get to see you”, I smiled.  “Normally you would bitch if I hugged you without asking, but tough shit”, I walked up his bed, to hug him. I held Izzy to me the best I could. His heart was still beating fast, but was slower than this afternoon. His bourbon, smoky, vanilla scent was comforting as always but I was the one having to comfort him. 

“You okay?”, Duff asked. “Oh yeah, I just hate seeing him like that”, I said. “I’m gonna see him now”, Axl whispered. I slid down the wall and brought my knees to my chest. Duff pulled me into his lap, “Is he gonna be okay? He looks so pitiful, Duffy”, I asked, holding his hand. “He’s a fighter, little scrappy but yes, he’ll be okay. I know you told him to get better, he always listens to you. Izzy bitches about it but he does it anyways”, Duff whispered. “Yeah”, I smiled a little

 “Now, Janie, I have a friend coming over. Please don’t bother us, I don’t want the little sister crap.”, Bill said. “Alright Billy, I’ll stay out but I wanna meet the poor soul that decided to be friends with you, chicken legs”, I rolled my eyes. “Fine, you can say hi but then you go to your room or go talk to Amy”, Bill groaned. The doorbell rang, “I got it”, Bill said, racing to the door.  “Hey, glad you could make it.”, Bill said. “Hey. Sorry it took so long, mom wasn’t at home. She doesn't like my brothers to be alone”, a voice said. “I understand that. I have three siblings”, Bill laughed. Bill’s friend walked in as Bill shut the door. “This is my younger sister, Janet, but we call her Janie for short”, Bill said, rolling his eyes. “Hi”, I blushed. “Hi yourself. My name’s Jeff, but everyone knows me by Izzy”, the brown headed boy said. Izzy was looking at me, I felt weird and pulled my sweatshirt sleeve down. “Alright, Janie. Leave now”, Bill said. 

Another flashback

I was searching for Bill, he was nowhere to be found. “You promised me that you would bring me home, Billy”, I cried even more. My boyfriend had broken up with me because he wanted Jackie Anderson, head cheerleader. I passed the bleachers heading towards home. “Janie?”, I heard a familiar voice. I turned around and saw Izzy with the stoners(his buddies) and Pam Macy hanging on his arm. “Hey, what happened? You’re crying”, Izzy threw his cigarette bud down and walked towards me. “Eric broke up with me. Said I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t a cheerleader, he wanted to be with the head cheerleader instead.”, I tried to hold my tears back. “I’m sorry Janie, he was an asshole anyways. You’re a good girl and any guy would be lucky to have you. It’s his lost and Bill and I hated him.”, Izzy reached up to pet my hair. “Thanks Iz. I’m gonna go home now”, I tried to push by him. He had my wrist, “Come on, I’ll take you for food. My treat”, Izzy smiled. “What about Pam?”, I asked. “You’re my favorite girl and you’re heartbroken, I gotta pay attention to you now”, Izzy smirked. 

“You’ve never listened to the Stones? Janie!”, Izzy threw his head back groaning. “I’m sorry that my step dad thinks that rock n’ roll is devil’s music”, I said. The bell rang, someone had walked in. “Janie! There you are!”, Bill said, rushing to our table. “Bill, lay off. I found her”, Izzy said. Bill looked at my face, “What happened? You were crying” “Eric broke up with me today for a cheerleader”, I said almost crying. “She passed the bleachers and I saw her. I decided to bring her for food”, Izzy said. “Thanks Izzy. I’m sorry about Eric, he was just an asshole anyways”, Bill pulled me into his chest. “Izzy said the same thing”, I said. “I know, I was at the meeting”, Bill laughed. I looked at Izzy and smiled. He winked at me. 

That was when I realized  Izzy was the older brother I always wish I had besides Axl. He was protected and took care of me, I love him for it. “Janie”, Axl said. “Yeah?”, I looked up at him, Duff was holding his hand out for me. Management had come to me about Izzy overdosing well fainting in my room. They wanted to know if I knew what caused Izzy to swallow his entire pill stash. I decided to turn on the radio for a while, sure enough ‘Paint it Black’ came on. First Stones’ song Izzy showed me, it was in his car when he brought me to smoke weed with him near Chicago. 

It had been 96 hours since Izzy was in a coma, he finally woke up and we all rushed to the hospital to see him. “Janie, you go in first”, Axl said. “Why? He’s your best friend”, I sassed. “Lady’s first”, Slash grinned. “Fine”, I walked in. There was a nurse taking Izzy’s vitals when I walked in. “Are you family?”, The blonde nurse asked. “Baby sister”, Izzy answered before I could think of something. “Oh well. I’m done here for now, you can come see your brother”, She smiled. “Thank you”, I said. “Hey Kid, just woke up from a killer nap”, Izzy joked. “Jeffery Dean! You fucking overdoesed because you decided to swallow your pills like candy. Don’t joke about that, you could have actually died. You know what? Fuck your joke, you had us worried to death. Izzy, you fell in mine and Duff’s room in front of us. You came in and said you had something to tell me. Duff barely closed the door before you collapsed on the floor”, I was fuming. “I’m sorry Janie. Management told me to get rid of them, housekeeping found one of my stashes. I panicked.”, Izzy said. “So instead of flushing them like a normal person you popped them like Tic Tacs like some manic?”, I rolled my eyes. Izzy stayed silent. “Your turn Ax”, I said walking out. 

Axl and the boys walked in and I decided to go get a coffee from downstairs. I walked up to the nursing station, “Uh hi. Do you have any idea when Izzy Stradlin is being discharged?” “Hi, what’s the birthday?”, a petite brunette smiled. “7-8-62”, I nodded. “Looks like he needs a doctor to talk to him about his overdose and a last check up then he should be released maybe this evening”,She said. “Are they gonna send him to rehab?”, I asked. “Looks like it might be possibly, he was in a coma for 4 days”, She said. “Are you his girlfriend?”She stood up. “No, more like the baby sister he never had”, I gave a small smile.  “Janie?”, Steven said. ���Yeah? Izzy okay?”, I walked over to him. “Izzy’s fine, but we need to talk to you”, Steven said. “Okay”, I followed behind. “Listen, this is your sister, friend and now girlfriend talk not our assistant right now”, Steven stopped, before we reached Izzy’s room. I nodded my head. Everyone was sitting down, Izzy was lying down. “Hey”, I shut the door.

“What happened four days ago was hell, we almost lost Izzy. After, you left Izzy told us how you yelled at him for his drug stash. We’ve made the decision to go to rehab together”, Axl said. “That’s great, but you have a kid on the way.”, I said. “We’re going after she’s born, pretty sure Izzy is going first anyways. We’re gonna go to the same place together”, Axl reassured. “Not to be a bitch, but why was I brought into this. This is a band thing not the singer’s sister and the band”, I looked at Izzy. “You’ve been here since the beginning, we value your opinion”, Slash finally spoke up from leaning on the wall. The doctor came into the discharge Izzy, the band went different ways.  “Seeing Izzy overdose in our room, you run to him with fear in your eyes. I realized that I don’t want that to be me and you freaking out”, Duff said. “Not sure what to say, but I really hope you guys get clean and stay clean. I don’t want to lose my boys so soon”, I hugged him. “You can’t get rid of me that easy, Janie”, Duff held me. “Good, I don’t want to get rid of you yet either”, I said, inhaling his scent. 

Izzy got discharged and we flew back to L.A. before Erin gave birth. Almost 5 days that we got back, Erin gave birth to the new addition to the Guns N’ Roses’ family.  Sarah Aless Rose-Everly, 7lbs and 4oz. 

[juni-ravenhall]

personal bad feelings dont read if sensitive

im doing really badly lately

i keep waiting for the new counsellor to call me (its been a month since she said she would call next week aka 3 weeks ago, and yes i have messaged the clinic and they said they would tell the counsellor, then nothing)

i feel like shit in my body (i have body dysmorphic disorder since i can remember and just hate my body and face immensely for being fat and ugly and dont want to live in this body and aside from that my body is also sick from being fat and unhealthy which makes me even less want to be in this body but i have zero energy to take care of it) (all my energy goes to not killing myself every day aka all my energy goes to try to cope with my mental illness and hopelessness about ever being able to live life) 

i feel really extremely sad and upset about everything about living this awful life and having no possibilities and chances due to my mental illness due to being abused for my whole life and nobody helping me and even when ive been trying to get professional help for YEARS i still havent gotten help and they keep lying and changing their mind instead of helping me and i wonder how many people just like me, kill themselves because of this healthcare system being their last chance to survive and then it doesnt help 

i cant trust anyone of my “”””””family””””””” or “”””””relatives”””””””””” (i renounce all of them they are not mine) and i dont have any other friends than my gf (who is in israel and we’ve never met irl but we voicecall every day and video call etc) and you guys on ssoblr and i cant trust any doctors or counsellors because they keep not helping or victimblaming me or just leaving me hanging as if i will be fine on my own when i tell them over and over that im suicidal and that ive been trying to get help for years because i dont know how much longer i can go on

im physically sick but im too scared to go to the doctor about anything whatsoever until im vaccinated because people are FUCKING USELESS DISGUSTING WORMS FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL ABOUT CORONA aka not isolating and not wearing masks and not social distancing and therefore im TERRIFIED of going to clinics and hospitals until im vaccinated so i just have to handle no matter how sick i am (while hoping to not die from it) until i can get vaccinated (the reason im esp scared of corona is bc im fat = higher risk of severe symptoms and death)

(“why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” because i try to not kill myself every day and im terrified of killing myself i just cant handle being alive and i dont know how much longer i can handle it, also if i was sick with corona and needed to be hospitalised (again due to being fat etc higher risk) there is no saying whether i would just feel that this is too much and i will just give up, and if you think “why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” in general youre uneducated so shut up)

i feel extremely sad and extremely bad and im sick and im scared and im really struggling to handle being alive right now and ive tried to get professional help for years but they dont help me, and i cant go to the emergency or anything when i feel extra bad because of corona (because of people being useless worms who refuse to take precautions) 

i really dont want to be awake beacuse every moment being awake i have to handle being alive when i feel like i cant, but when i sleep i always always always have nightmares for my whole life and either way i cant sleep when im not sleepy so it doesnt matter even if i chose the nightmares i dont have the ability to choose to sleep more than i already do

i keep thinking about starving myself (ive had eating disorders for large parts of my life) because of the dysmorphic disorder and suicidal feelings and every day i just think about staying in bed and not eating anything and just wilting away and at least i would be skinnier before i die

i tried to cook healthy food (which i did for years before) and i got so tired from cooking for 1 hour that i didnt have energy to eat anything when i was done cooking and just gave up and left everything on the stove and went back to lay down

i dont have any energy and no motivation and everything feels hopeless and i feel extremely sad and alone aside from my gf but she is far away and its a long time until we can be together

[bisexualrights]

you don't know suffering shut the fuck up

yeah anon? u wanna play this fuckin game, i can play this game

putting this under a read more bc its a lot

i was sexually abused my entire childhood, started self harming to cope when i was in 8th grade. i have an abusive father who used to yell at me, grab me, push me, almost weekly. i was groomed by men 3-5 years older than me through all of high school. had a 19 year old guy use me for sex when i was 16 and when his girlfriend (who i didnt know he was dating) found out he lied about everything and turned all of my friends against me (people from that time still talk shit about me and send me anon hate), i was in an emotionally abusive relationship when i was 17 dating a 22 year old. i was raped my senior year of high school. ive tried to kill myself 5 times. ive been drinking heavily since i was 14. i dated a guy for a year who told me hed love me more if i was skinnier, kept talking to other girls, and told me on our 1 year that he didnt love me anymore then broke up with me a week later over text (and then decided to message me last weekend after 4 years). my younger cousin killed himself 2 years ago. i found out that someone i looked up to for so long is a pedophile and was in hid mid 20s having sexual relationships with people my age (who i was friends with) back when i was in heavily his fandom. the list keeps going on my fuckin dude so if u wanna do this i dont know suffering shit you can fuck off. youre a piece of shit and you need to get the fuck out of my inbox

[thedevouress]

Hey guys, it's come time again to lay shit out for you.. since some of you seem to have forgot.

Hi, yes, hello, we all know me by Devourouskitten, or other alias I have chosen to go by.

I am a gainer/stuffer/feedee in the feederism community, as well as a pred in the vore community.

I've been in the community for a bit over 3 years since I was 17/18, however I haven't gained much if any at all.

Why you ask?

Because I'm not like all the others in the community.

I have struggled with health problems for the past 6 years, I have also been on an ongoing battle with an eating disorder.

When I was 15/16, I developed a bad eating disorder after moving out of my grandparents, didn't eat right, or take care of myself, I was under a lot of stress.

I was 120lbs before that happened, 120lbs of muscle, I was toned, and looked skinnier than I do now.

At the peak of my eating disorder, I dropped down to 85lbs, I was in and out of the hospital for days at a time. I lost a lot of muscle, my family was scared for me.

I looked deathly ill

Since then, I've since recovered, at least a little bit. My ex Lion helped me gain back some of what I lost, because he met me when I was at my lowest and helped nurse me fuller. I've then started taking better care of myself.

I'm now a solid 112lbs and have been pretty steady there for the past three months at least, I usually have a huge issue with yo-yo gaining due to my past.

I have a hard time gaining and maintaining weight.

With having lost a good percentage of my muscle mass, having messed up my metabolism, and my BMI.. I have issues putting on and maintaining weight.

I'm constantly, losing, gaining, losing, and gaining more weight. This is really bad for me to continue to do.

I still encounter the same health problems, just not nearly as often as I used to, and I'm lucky for that.

I had more hospital visits than I can count.. too many IVs to where they no longer hurt to get put in.. so many where the nurses remembered my face.

And because of all of that, I can't "gain" like everyone else, I'm not even into fast gains! Gradual overtime gains are so much hotter to me anyways!

I'm posting this, because time after time again, I see people commenting on how I haven't gained any, as if your opinion matters on the subject.

It doesnt

Some of you feedists in the community need to jump off your high horse, and realize the content creators in this community aren't here for YOU to tell them how to live THEIR life.

I've come to the conclusion, time and time again, I need to gain back the muscle mass I lost in my eating disorder.. because for some reason, I believe it is what's holding me back... it would also be the healthiest option for me.

If you are here to be apart of my journey, keep the comments about how I'm "not gaining enough" or "gaining too slow" for you, to you yourself.

I'm not gaining for anyone but myself, and my content.

If you've been here from the start, support my decision, and how I choose to walk my journey, instead of run, I thank you a lot. Your guy's support means the world to me, and I'm very grateful for all my regulars. 💜💙

Health > desires of strangers

[alistairradley]

I saw Rigel lying on his bed. He was unconscious. He was even skinnier than the last time I saw him. He looked pale. He had a bandage wrapped around his head along with some other places and he had an IV drip.

I couldn't help it but I cried at the sight of him.

"Rigel," I said softly.

He didn't move. I knew he didn't hear me. I didn't know what they put in him.

Or maybe he was just really tired.

I stared at his face as he slept. I never really thought I'd put him through so much. I never realized that I meant so much to him. He loved me a lot more than I loved him and now I realized how wrong that was.

"Rigel, I know that you probably can't hear me since you're sleeping and all, but I'm here and I know that you've wanted to see me for a long time. I know you want to ask me a lot of questions and you want me back in your life but we can't do any of that... I can't give you answers and you wouldn't want me back in your life if you found out what happened to me and what I've done."

It felt strange talking to a sleeping person. Maybe he could hear me. Maybe he was dreaming of me and my voice.

"If you're hearing me right now, if somehow you're processing everything I'm saying, I just want you to know that... I think about you every day. I think about the good old days we had when we were growing up. I think about the bad days too and how we were there for each other. I think about how we slowly moved from childhood friends to lovers and how we've suddenly become strangers to each other again. I think about that time you told me you loved me. I think about the first time we kissed. I think about the last time that I saw you. I think about all these things every day and I know it's been hard on you and it's hard on me too, because now I realize I shouldn't have left when I did."

I was sobbing at this point. I wiped my tears away but they just kept coming and coming.

"Thinking about the past makes me feel sad, horrible and empty," I said. "Sometimes I think about what would have happened if I had stayed here with you."

I laughed softly and sadly.

"I think about how our lives could have gone," I said. "We could have made it work while you were in the seminary and I stayed behind working full time at home and volunteering at church. After a couple of years, you'll come back and you'll probably propose to me in some really cheesy and embarrassing way, but I'll say yes because I know you'll look at me like I was the prettiest girl in the world and there was just no way I could say no to you. We'd get married within a year. My dad would probably be torn on whether to walk me down the aisle or to officiate the wedding. Somehow I can imagine him doing both and all our relatives and friends will think it's hilarious and we'll all probably get a laugh out of it. I could imagine Sera in her maid of honor dress looking so beautiful. I can already hear Duran's obnoxious best man speech about how he was responsible for us being a couple and how we still owe him a tire. Our wedding would have been small, intimate and disastrous."

I sighed.

"We could have had kids, lots of them and then I'd be fat but you'd still tell me that I'm gorgeous and you'd probably make a stupid joke that me being fat just means that there's more of me to love. We'd probably watch our kids grow up. You'll probably play with them a lot and teach them important things. I know you'll be a great dad because you're a good person and you've been nice to everyone and I can't imagine how much you would have loved our kids and since they're your kids they'll probably grow up to be kind just like their dad."

Rigel didn't budge at all. He kept his eyes closed. Still sleeping.

"When I think about how our lives could have been, the more I regret leaving. I realize that it's too late for me to have that kind of future but you could still have that. If you can move on, find someone you actually deserve, someone who won't mind listening to your cheesy jokes, someone who's willing to listen to you endlessly talk about theology, photography and all the other weird things that you like. I know that there's someone out there who won't leave you the way I did, someone who won't drag you everywhere, someone who would be happy to build her life around you. I think you deserve all that."

I reached out for Rigel's hand. It was warm. I held it tightly.

"I love you."

I started crying again.

If Rigel had opened his eyes at that moment I probably would have never left. He probably would have convinced me to stay and somehow things would have worked out.

But that didn't happen.

Excerpt from Searching For Sophia

[notjesusbutcloseenough]

TIME TO RANT, MY FAITHFUL WHORES ~~screming into the void time~~

I have been having a dumb crush on this boy for about 2 years now i think. I tried to avoid thinking about it or acknowledging it all this time, i havent told a single soul about it up until like a few weeks ago. And with just shuting up about it i thought it was going away slowly but surely, but now that ive told my friend the reasons why i like this guy i just reminded myself just how MUCH like him. We talked like 3 or 4 times this whole summer and for now i just want to see him , i want to see if this whole summer i have been idolizing the good parts of him and just minimizing the bad parts? The scariest fucking thing is that he seems like he likes me back, THAT is fucking SCARY for some reason. I mean, he has always been so nice and kind to me, reassuring me when classmates where bullying me back when i was way more fat than i am now, telling me that im an ok person and that i should pay attention to their bullshit. I was so close to confesing that i like him for the past few days, i even wrote a long letter-thing in my fucking notes app why i like him, and that im not pressuring him to respond to anything and asking him to just pretend like nothing happened if he doesnt have any feelongs about me. Ignoring my whole confession is the respons that im waiting for, BUT what IF he likes me, what do i do then? Why would he like me, first and foremost? And another layer of awkward, and the reason why i dont think he doesnt like me is that he had like this HUGE crush on thiis girl in our class, i remember so distinctly that i went up to him after a geography test to ask him about what he did and all that, he blew me off saying that he was to tired to talk about it, but then this girl, who i am like idk pretty ok friends with came up to me to ask me about one question from a test he SUDDENLY sprung the fuck up, SUDDENLY wanting to talk and i was just crushed weirdly, and he kept paying attention to her even when he was talking to someone else and she was just passing by. I was at this point still denying that i had a crush on him but from that point on i kept getting more and more jealous. I would talk to him about her, jokingly, liKe ThE fRiENdS tHAt wE aRE, and i was just boiling inside from like... saddnes, i mean, shes so small and cute, and just as artsy as him and just as kind and nice as him. And then she got a boyfriend and he suddenly stopped talking to her altogether, ignoring her FULLY, but he said he still has a crush on her... idfk.

This bitch of a wall-punching, anger-crying sweet dumb Gamer Boy™ fucked up my brain big time for some reason. But i mean, if HE said that he liked me what would i do? Would we like..... date? Would that be an option? We always make fun of the other couples in our class and idk... dOeS hE Got a BiG dIcKK? Who knows?

What i do know is that i really like spending time with him, it always seems like we could talk for HOURS and not stop for a second, he understand why i am a fucking emotional mess all the time, he knows of me being bi and is super chill with it, he always protects me from his friend group when they try to make dumb jokes about me, and is overall SO FUCKING SWEET FUCK JESUS FUCK CHRIST 💛🖤💖💛💔💗💕💝💛💝💓💚🖤❣💔💗💙💕💕💝💓💝💓💖💚🖤💓💛💗💔💖💛💗 i like him so so much.

So many people realised that i like him, my mom at first, when she saw that i kept talking about him, then his deskmate(whos a fucking prick and a half, and HATED me when i was fat) and then my friend, the one that knows about this fkin crush, and then MY deskmate, basically, every person whom i talk to knows about it either vaguely or straight up, except for him.

And i know in my heart that even IF IF IF IF IF the fellings were mutal he is too much of a pussy to say anything, amd i am also a pussy. Maybe imma get drunk and tell him, other than that the idea of rejection and losing him as one of the only friends in this god forsaken school hurts me more that just hiding my feelings.

But what if im too fat tho? I mean we have the exact same weight, hes just taller that me, but he looks way skinnier that me you know, and is it shallow of me to think that i rather just conceal my feeling that have him made fun of for dating a fat bitch? I am so insecure about this shit that i would honestly rather die than that to happen. I just hate myself so wildly, during the school year i can loose weight way faster, maybe i should wait a few months, after i lost maybe 6-7 kg at least before i say anything? Maybe that would be wiser of me.

At the same time, he could get a girlfriend anytime, he even got some of those secret admirer letters from a girl that moved from our class to another in the same hs, she is also MUCH MUCH cuter than me in every every way, and also VERY fucking artsy. What if i get a boyfriend or a girlfriend.............. pffffff 😂😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣, as if someone else has a chance of liking me..... the audacity of even THINKING that at this point.

I just.... like him.... a lot.... for some reason.... hes a great friend.... and so sweet....and kind.... and dumb... and a pussy... and so unfunny but he makes me smile more than anyone..... and i hate him... just... ungh.... he also has really pretty eyes.... he like... doesnt talk to a lot of people..... amd once got SUPER mad when some other guy hugged me...... fucking.... yall cant even spell COLLOSAL DUMB ASS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[lostinyourears]

Arena Mexico New Values Report! 02/26/2019

Super Astro Jr., Oro Jr. & Star Jr. vs. Nitro, Sangre Azteca & Disturbio

Who’s who?

Astro/Oro both in black with the latter not having a shirt on and Star in blue.

Nitro/Disturbio in black/red with the latter having no mask while Sangre Azteca is in black/yellow/red masked.

How’s the match?

Poor, it was a match very hindered by a slip up by Super Astro Jr. which was obviously the catalyst for the match wrapping up quickly. I hope the best for Super Astro Jr. as he is one of my favorite talents in this opening slot and one of my favorites on the roster over all. It’s a shame his slip up sorta ruined this match, but I’m more concerned with his safety and health, that what at best could have been a better than average 2nd match on the card.

Universo 2000 Jr. vs. Fuego lightning match

Who’s who?

Universo in black/white and Fuego in orange/yellow. 

How’s the match?

Good, but these guys are two people on the roster with very little clout right now. Both sorta stuck in midcard purgatory, so either man winning over the other isn’t a big shocker and them locking up isn’t that odd either considering they are often on opposite sides of a trios match. Just not much to get excited about unless you really just want to see more of either guy. I say that even as a fan of both, it’s just not that compelling on paper or in practice. 

Kawato San, Misterioso & Polvora vs. Titan, Triton & Esfinge

Who’s who?

Kawato in red pants, Misterioso in green mask & Polvora having a flamey mask.

Titan in silver mask, Triton in white & Esfinge in gold/silver.

How’s the match?

Great, very fun action and I’m pretty convinced that Titan, Triton & Esfinge could have a great match with any team that can hold their own. The question then is, can any given rudo team hold their own. I think Kawato/Misterioso/Polvora are on the cusp when it comes to that question, but they did it here. This was the highlight of the Tuesday show for me and the main thing to catch, but the show overall was pretty solid from this point on.  

Stuka Jr., Volcano & Kraneo vs. Mephisto, Luciferno & Ephesto

Who’s who?

Stuka in blue/black, Volcano in red & Kraneo in maroon/black bodysuit.

Mephisto in silver mask, Luciferno/Ephesto both having their names on the front of their shirts to keep from confusing them. 

How’s the match?

Very good, Kraneo/Volcano continue to be a fun team and the demons here are billed as a threat like any rudo trio/stable in CMLL should be. Mileage may vary, I know plenty of people who don’t like the Kraneo/Volcano team, but I for one have enjoyed them for the most part since they became a thing last year when Volcano was introduced to CMLL. Loved this sequence from Volcano in the 3rd. The ending was weaker than it should have been though, it was mostly nice, but Volcano looked very weak in just being pinned after he fails to do a crossbody. I wish Mephisto would have done a Demon’s Wings or something to really put away the big man. 

Mistico, Valiente & Atlantis vs. Ultimo Guerrero, Villano IV & El Hijo del Villano III

Who’s who?

Mistico in flag of Mexico pants, Valiente in blue and Atlantis in his iconic white mask along with his black/blue gear.

Ultimo in green/black, Villano’s both in pink with Hijo del III being skinnier/younger.

How’s the match?

Very good, this match still has heat and had plenty of fun action before the deflating end. It was still a fun ride while it lasted and I’m eager to see what CMLL does with this feud in the coming months and perhaps even years. It seems like so much stock and time is being put into it, I hope whatever the pay off it, feels as satisfying as it should be. Mistico/Valiente/Ultimo all did great... as you’d assume from all three of those guys. 

Highlights :

Arena Mexico New Values Highlights 02/26/2019

[ifightmywarswithfingerguns]

People say life teaches you the hardest lessons of all and you shoudl learn from those lessons. (insert qupte herer) However, I feel that it isn't life teaching you it is you, you tech yourself these things because they're your experiences and only you can decide how you feel and how you want to live your life. Yes, these are always outside influences. Up the unlimited decisions are always made.by you and you're the one who has to live with said decisions. No one else I the world knows what you want and no one else but you knows how you feel. So why shouldn't the person who is with yo the most by the one who lobes you the most? Life is full of old but I feel the most important love one should feel is the love for themselves. How much you love yourself depends on how you perceive yourself and who you think you are. If you base your self perception on the feelings of others you'll always be unsure of who you are because you are differ t and hold different meanings for different people. Your mother sees a different person than your best friend and you teacher may know more about you than the. Other combined but only you know who you all. Who you are is. On prized of all these things, it is the whole picture not just the pieces taken by different people.

A lot of this perception takes place in our own minds because how we see ourselves is reflected in all of our actions, someone who feels poorly about themselves may nto stand as straight or walk with a certain swager as soemone else who is confident in themselves. And in today's world with the ever constant attack on your girls in the media I find it more difficult to find girls who can honestly say they lvoe themselves and take pride in how intelligent, beautiful, and witty they are. If you ask a woman if they are aware of their beauty they shy away and find 50 things ":wrong" with themselves within twenty seconds because they have a list in their heads of their flaws. It is alwyas there when we're out buying clothes or watching a movie there is a pressure to look, act, and dress adn certian way to be considered attractive. Go to the store and pick up a tabloid and i gaurentee you'll see it plastered everywhere of "how to loose weiht, makeup tips to look better, and hwo to get/please a man." We are tarught that it is our goal to confomr to what the male gaze desrires fom us adn become that no matter how unrealistic. I vividly rememebr thinking if i read all the magazines and dress like them and looked like them aht boys owuld like me and i would be completley happy with every aspect of my life. Thankfully that never happened because I am a different person nwo and how I fel about myself is how every girl/woman shold feel about herself and that is loved. Every woman should love herself for all that shee is because all the media we see isn't real and none of it will ever make you happy with yourself. The media is made that way to make you spend money trying to look like these women who are photoshopped or diet and starve themelves in order to look the wway they do. It is a vicious cycle but it is on ethat can be broken. So that little girls don't grow up and skip meals because it'll make tem prettier. So they grow up to be women who own thier bodies prudly and aren't afraid to say "yes, i am beautiful.". I love body positivity and sein women lvoe thier bodesi no matter how much hair, fat, or stretch marks they have on them. I also love seing women complimenting each other instead of competing to be the prettiest in the room to gain male attention. There is so much propoganda tearing women down that it is empowring and heatwarming to see them wake up and shun the idea that they should be anythin other than what they are. That they should o to extremes to "fit in". Quit frankyl if you don't love yourself of rall that you are you will never be happy ith how you look there will alwyas be somethin ot be fixed. As soon as oyu stop lookin on the ouside for balidatio your life will imporve and your confidence wil improve because if you build youself up with the compliments from men thier criticisms will tear you down. So you become your own bricks abd rebuild yourself and your self image to one taht you like. So you take a look inside yourself and hwo you are to amke taht person better and make thsat person one who loves themelf. 

I am so adament about htis because I was trapped in the world of pandering to the male gze and constnaly fhanign my appreacne to get them to like me which  nveer worked or bsing my self confience on how others saw me and i was miserable. I was depressed, suicidial, and quite frankly i ahted myself and my body image. I still  struggle with my body image because it has been engraved into my brain dn way of thiking of hwo i hsould look adn i have to stop myself form thinmkin gthat way. I am admaent about his becaue i wasted years of my life and destroyed my body for a peive of mind i never got. I am a recovering annorexic and although it has been four years since i "quit" it has never left me. It is an ever looming shadow on my life because it is a constant thing when you have it. I was always counting calories and doing anything not to eat to avoid gaining weight. I exercised excessivly and i remember almost passing out at every workout session i would go to because i hadn't eaten htat day. I had a system of going three days without eating and on the third day maintaing a one-thousand calorie limit. It was toture but i was losing weiht and i gauged the weight by how easily you could see my bones. I pradiesd myself everytime i could see them a little bit more. I cursed myself whenever I did eat on the third day calling myself names like fat, worthless, and weak. Not only di di curse myself i punished myself for eating so much with mroe exercise or waiting an extra day to eat. I thin that was the biggest struglle of all, eating. Every bite felt like i was getting fatter and it was as trule ot force myself to eat a single bite. Every swallow felt like it was stuck in my throat and like i should go vomit ot keep it from getting ot my stomach. it was an awful feeling in multiple asy but mainly becase i love food i love eating and tastin things but i oculdn't llow myself the one htin i lvoed. An incidnet i had where i felt the weakest were When my mother made my favorite mamwhich which i love to death but i couldn't brin myself to eat it even though th esmell was intoxicating. So i went o bed with no dinner that night to get up in the morning and get ready for shcool. I wasso desperate for it i got a spoon adn just tastd it. It was loruious they savyory and salty i even chewed it a little bit but i could not le tmyself swallow it. So i we tot eh sink and spat it out and even went as far as to wsh ti task out my mouth because i couldn't even swallow that it woud be cheating. It was constant and thw rost part was i ot compliments on ym weiht loss. The compliments pushed me to continue even further because i knew it was working. I thrived off of the compliment sbecause it meant my heard work was paying off. Adn you don't get that kind ofprasie from reovery you get digusted looks like " you really let youserlf go". Or irls would be nasty in school like the usually are and i heard comment on haw faat i've gotten and horrible giggles from these gaggles of girls. Recovery is one of ht e toughtest things I ever had to go through and i had to go through it alone because no one knew about it. I coudn't let anyone know about my anorexica and peopel to this day don't know abut it because i kpeti tso well hidden. Although my eatin habits are back and i'm at a normal weigh tnow i still feel the thoughts creep up on me. i still ahe htoughts of "wow you're fat" and i have to tell myelf "yes, i have fat but i'm happy and fat is not a negative thing ot be. Fat is not a person or a noun it is an adjective to describe something and shoudn't define my entie person and how i fel abiout myself. i have fat and taht is kay and the more i accept that the happier i am with myself and the tiem i spent worryign about hwo i looked turned into learnign about why i felt that way and learnig more about myself and the wordl aroudn em. In the years since my recovery I have become mroe eduacted and acepting and aware of the world around me and I feel better for it. I feel mroe empathethic adn it gives me hope fora brihter future where i can be even better than the prson taht i am nw. I always want to learnadn grow ad I hope to ive that experince to someon eelse via my time in college and far after. I want ot encourage women to love themselves and every part of them becaue they desreve to. Because no one should have to go through what i went thorugh and because these girls are worth much mre than thier measurments. They are doctors htey are mothers they are terachers and daughters firefighers senators and presidnets. Women are amazing and capable creatures who deserve to feel some self love  and that is not soomething life will teach you. that is something you ahve to teaf. to love yousrelf deeply and with no bounds. The love the should feel for thiemselves should equal the ones they read about in reomance novels  unconditional.  It took some a long time to get where I am in loving self and who I am and I even falter sometimes when I overheard mean comments and I start to think badly of myself. I have to physically and mentally stop myself and dispute whatever it is that was said about me because I can't let myself jnternalize it. If I internalize it Nd take their opinion a truth I begin to be,I e it and become self deprecating. And now that I am in a better place i still see. Y peers whose still I the negative space that I was in and I even hear my mother and sister picking at their bodies and h Ow they wish they were different or skinnier. And I want to explain how it is a via thing to search for and to try to be. Skinny and healthy do no correlate nor does skinny and happy. It is a long process to love yourself. It is a daily regime of stopping negTive behaviors and correcting them. Small comments like oh I'm so fat or I couldnstandtk lose weight wear your self sped teem. It's about stopping yourself from those thoughts and placing them with I'm amazing and wonderful. Another thing is a denoting compliments 9/10 women will deny any compliments as if they aren't true but accepting them is accepting yourself and agreeing that ueah I am cute or adorable or whatever it is. I never wit any girls to go through the struggle that I went through especially. Yniece. These little things these Mir agrees ions add up over time and really affect how you see yourself and it starts at a young age. Children can be cruel especially she it comes to weight and Eve. Adults are cruel. I remember as a child it was a joke in the family how fat I was but it really stuck with me as I grew up that this I show people see me and bow people see me matters. And I've learned that it doesn't that it is how I see myself and how I h