#i believe? or at least a character experiencing thay

[umbraticstickerz]

Apparently, I never posted these doodle pages of Wendell and Austin Whoops 😭

Body Horror and semi gore warning below cut

Fun fact about Insomnium was that she originally was gonna look a lot like Henry in the old version of the MiiBuddi au, allllllll the way back from when Wendell was still called AI and Austin looked mostly like the fnf mod design

[miss0atae]

Random thoughts about Pit Babe the series ep 13:

This is the last episode and what a ride it was. I'm sad we have to say bye to the first Thai BL Omegaverse and every characters from this series. Friday won't be the same.

▪️ Of course, Babe and Charlie are back together. Babe didn't really resented Charlie for making him experienced grief and faking his death. As always, Charlie has always been very lucky with Babe. It must be the power of love. I know I should be disappointed they didn't give them the time to talk about it but it was the last episode and to be honest I'm glad we didn't spend too much time on it. Babe experienced too much sadness and grieves in this series. At least, he didn't have to do it more for Charlie. They are very much in love and happy together and I'm glad for them.

▪️ Babe had his reunion with his father after so many years. He got the chance to express how he felt about this separation. It wasn't my favorite part of the series but it was needed for Babe. I felt like his father appeared too late on the story. It came at the worst possible moment, for me. I wish he was more involved. I can't even understand why he didn't come to Babe when he escaped Tony's place and became a racer. At least, they mended their relationship.

▪️ As for Alan and Jeff, I was really waiting for them to be together in previous episodes and I'm glad in this episode they didn't have to face any hardships. Alan saved his boyfriend and they are happy together. They may be less demonstrative than Charlie and Babe, but what matters is that they are in a loving relationship.

▪️ Winner was still a sore loser. It's funny how his name don't match his personality or actions. He got what he deserves. He was a terrible person. I never had any interest for him. It's not like he never got a chance to be better. Kim tried several time in the series to make him understand that his actions will face consequences and he never listened.

▪️ Tony died! Now, he will never hurt anyone again and all those children are free from his abuse and greed. Kenta is the one who killed him and I think it was the perfect choice. He has been the one who stayed the longest with him and he was brainwashed into believing crumbs of affection (mostly giving him a shelter and not letting him dying alone) was love. He did many bad things in the name of love because he thought he would one day be loved the way he deserved or because he thought he could only do that. This character moved me a lot. I'm glad his free now. It's sad that we didn't get anything after he killed Tony. We don't know what happened to him. Is he taking care of the children? How does he live with the guilt? Is he in contact with Pete?

▪️ Finally, it's time to talk about Way. He wasn't my favorite character but I felt pity for him. In the last two episodes, he tried to redeem himself. He apologizes for his wrongdoing and lies. He actively helped Way and Babe to take down Tony, as well. He also sacrificed his life... and I'm not happy about that. I'm not used to see people dying in BLs. It's mostly the bad guys who are dying because when it's not the case it hurts too much (Yes I'm talking about you History 3: Make Our Days Count. I will never forgive you for the pain!). Way wasn't exactly a good guy but I wanted him to have a real chance to make amends. I wasn't expecting him to die for real. Until the last moment, I thought his death wasn't real and he would appeared. Pete and Way never had a chance to have a relationship. I thought they were supposed to be together. Why?!

The series ended with a positive note because Charlie x Babe, Alan x Jeff and Kim finally being able to compete in a real racing team. However, I'm still feeling a little letdown by what happened to Way, but also about Kenta and Pete in some way. I still consider Pit Babes a really enjoyable series and I had so much fun watching it. It will be a pleasure to watch it again sometimes.

I also hope we'll get to see every actors again in another series, with maybe another pairing because they are all very good and have amazing chemistry. Special mention to Pavel and Nut who know how to be pretty criers. I'm not against any special episode (I know some people don't like them, but I like to stay more in a well-known world with characters I love).

[moderngroupieanonymous]

Backstage Blues

Confessions of a Modern Day Gr*upie: A Blurb

Description: This is a blurb, a non-chronological piece of my story that I think is relevant to share regarding what happens when you're scouted to go backstage to drink with the band and when to trust your gut when things go sour.

Warnings: Topics involving alcohol and sex will be mentioned. Definitely recommended for those 18+.

✯

I wasn't even planning to go to this show. But of course, it's those last minute decisions, those completely spontaneous tickets you buy at the door that end up leading to the most... interesting nights.

I had some friends from out of town visiting my city and they wanted to go to a show at a small venue down the street from me. Personally, I never say no to a show, so I agreed. It would be fun. What's hilarious about this show was that we actually went to see the opener, because we discovered them through a separate band we had seen quite a few times. In fact, I had never heard of the main band before. Last time I checked their instagram they had around 100k followers. We were seeing them for their North American tour.

Misconception about being invited backstage is you have to put hours into your appearance. This is fully false. This night actually I had so much going on that day that I barely had time to get ready at all. In 20 minutes I quickly ate a few bites of pad thai, touched up my makeup and added liner, and threw together an outfit consisting of an old black skirt, black flowing top, and knee high boots. My hair was fully just tossed into one of those messy buns (I'm cringing at this fanfic term bye) because I didn't have enough time to style it.

Getting to the venue that I arrived late to, I bought my ticket at the door and scanned the crowd to meet my friends who were already there for some time. I had been to the venue before, it was one of those old timey ones that have been around for years and years, which gave it a lot of character. Once inside, I began looking for my friends, taking in my surroundings while making my way through the small venue. While I counted the lingering stares from people as I walked by I immediately noted I was probably a little over dressed for the crowd/ fanbase (again, we were there to see the opener, so I had no clue what the crowd would be like for the main act). I didn't mind it though. I'm a firm believer in wearing whatever you feel good in. If you feel good, your energy is right, and your energy is what attracts others to you. It makes you magnetic.

Another misconception about being invited backstage is that you have to be front row. It's funny because my experiences have been quite the opposite. And once I tell you it makes a lot of sense. When a band is on stage they have no way of keeping track of you, they have other things to worry about, obviously. On their end, they don't have the opportunity to be the ones to invite you backstage. In a case like this, it's all up to you, aka being at the stage doors or waiting by the tour bus to catch the artists while they're not working (more of this type of story to come in my other writings). But no, this is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about being scouted to go backstage. Completely different. And much more... spontaneous? Much less... effort? Much... different, to say the least.

So, no. I was not front row for this show. Once I finally met my friends we stayed in the wayyy back of the venue the duration of the show (after we pushed our way to a decent spot to see the opening band). We actually were by the merch table, close to the bar where we were able to get a few drinks. I was honestly vibing to the music and we all were dancing and just having a good time. It was nice to experience a show with low stress since we genuinely were experiencing this band the first time.

As the night went on, I became distracted by this man who kept brushing past me and running around throughout the venue, tending to the merch table behind us, etc. I honestly at first thought he was a roadie, but I'd soon find out later in the night that he was the band's manager, the main act. I tried not to be too concerned by him as we listened on to the show. He, however, also noticed me, probably from the amount of times he may or may not have purposely brushed by me in his mysterious haste.

"Here, put this on, we love free advertising," I hear a voice from behind me, the manager, offering me a beer sleeve with the band's logo on it for me to slip my White Claw into. I laugh and thank him, accepting the sleeve and putting my now almost-empty White Claw into. I didn't think much of it at the time, my friends and I laughed at it and continued on with enjoying the music. He probably had it lying around and noticed my group having a good time in the back and just handed it out. It was 5 bucks after all, I checked the merch stand.

Not 20 minutes later I get another feeling that his eyes were on me again. Out of the corner of my eye I see him approach me the second time and I'm curious to find out what he'll come up with next. More free merch?

"You finished your drink?" he shouts over his band's music, noting I'm no longer holding onto the logo decorated beer sleeve I had slipped into my bag after downing the rest of my seltzer. I laughed and told him I did.

"Want me to get you another drink?" He says to me. Is this guy hitting on me now? I push this thought away for the moment because, obviously I will never say no to a drink. The bar was right behind us anyways, so what's the harm?

"I'd love that," I reply.

"Great, come with me backstage we'll get you a shot. You can bring your friends," he instructs me as he already takes off towards the back of the venue, expecting me to follow. Why was this dude always in such a damn rush for fucks sake?

I barely had time to grab my friends, tell them what was going on over my shoulder, and drag them with me as we weave through the crowd following Manager Man towards the restricted areas. It had become official. We were going backstage. Like I said before, half the time you're scouted to go backstage, it happens when you least expect it. Let's review so far though, what I've learned:

Wear what you feel most confident in, because you'll feel your best.

Being front row for this specific situation does not matter.

Enjoy yourself and your energy will attract others around you.

Manager Man lead us through a series of restricted areas, moving security ropes, and breezing quickly by signs screaming AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY, until we finally made it to the green room where the sounds from the stage all became a dull muffle. Taking in my surroundings it was as I expected any green room would appear. Instrument cases were haphazardly stacked in the corner of the room, clothing garments strewn on the floor, and every inch of tabletop space of the vanities were covered in half-eaten sandwiches, cracker boxes, water bottles, and various handles of alcohol. Super glamorous.

He poured us each a shot of Jameson served in red solo cups which I happily accepted, letting the brown liquor warm me from the inside out. My friends were chatting over the opening band's performance as Manager Man pulled me aside.

"So, you have any plans after this?" he muses. I told him not as of now (since literally 3 hours ago I wasn't even going to this show in the first place).

"Well, you can come out with us after. Hang on the bus with the guys and drink with the band," he says to me before taking a sip of his beer and allowing me to mull over his offer. I knew exactly where this was going at this point. I guess managers are in charge of much more than bookings and merchandise... they're even in charge of recruiting women to entertain the band after the show. This was where my first yellow flag came up, because truthfully, I didn't even know this band existed a week ago. Prior to this, all times I've hung out with bands I had spoken to them before, or we had at least followed each other on social media.

But, at this point, Manager Man needed me more than I needed him. He wanted dive bar recommendations for us to all go to after, and, it being my city, I knew every place they could be interested in. So for now, I thought we'd entertain the idea. After we said we were down for the after show, Manager Man gathered up our passes to wear so security wouldn't harass us when we stayed after the show.

We chatted a bit more. He told me he liked my name. He told me I reminded him of someone he knew. He handed my friends and I our passes and as he walked us out he again said my name a few more times to himself like he liked the way it rolled off his tongue.

After being lead back to the crowd, before we knew it, the band had finished up their encore and the concert goers began to clear out. We watched the roadies scurry about the stage, packing up the equipment as we chatted amongst each other while the venue cleared out. Security took note of our passes and looked between us and Manager Man, silently putting the pieces together. As the crowd thinned, I took note of other girls lingering with passes as well. Damn, more recruits? Manager Man definitely was a busy man. I had to give him props.

It was only when we were ushered outside by Manager Man and corralled to stand by the tour bus parked outside the venue where I really started to see what was going on. We really were there for the band members to pick and choose to join them on the tour bus. Other fans without passes who had gathered outside the venue in hopes of seeing the band too were also taking notice. It was at this point my friends and I really were getting turned off by the entire thing. Manager Man kept coming up to me in between his runs back and forth between the venue and loading the bus to check in with me, asking if we needed anything, and making sure he knew the bar I recommended to him from earlier in the night. He sure did cover his bases this dude. And one by one, I watched each of the band members load onto the bus.

That's when I saw him. One of the guitarists from the band, who was chatting with two guy fans about their set next to the bus. He was hot. I honestly was staring a little longer than I should have, and right when I was about to look away was when he noticed. He locked eyes with me as the fans continued to chat to him, and he also didn't look away. I then watched as his eyes slowly scan the length of my body and was almost shocked by how bold he was with it. My friends even took notice at this interaction.

That's when another girl, bolder than me, went right up to him and within 5 minutes they both went onto the bus together to join the rest of the band. Could I have done the exact same thing and have gotten onto the bus, leaving the rest of my friends behind? Yes. Would it have been worth it? No. Because clearly in this case, it doesn't fucking matter to these guys. In the case of living up to a certain image of being surrounded by women as the expectation of men in successful bands, clearly these guys were... dare I say... desperate. I saw right through it. And I know my worth.

I knew where they were going on their tour bus. I was the one who told them which bar to go to. Could we have gone to the bar anyways and have met up with the guys then? Sure, if I really wanted to see things through with the guitarist. I think it's okay to go to certain lengths to get the things we want from this scene, but I also think it's more important to value ourselves as individuals and the morals we have. And this situation just felt ultimately gross to me at the end of the day. So, my friends and I ended up leaving. I wished Manager Man a wonderful night with his guys as they head of to the bar I sent them to, and we want our separate ways.

Oh, and the guitarist followed me on Instagram a week after the show.

✯

AN: Hellooooo babies! This was a longer one... Not quite how you expected it to end, right? Well, don't worry, my success stories are well on their way. I think these side stories/blurbs are important to share because they're more or less lessons I've learned along the way of things that I've experienced in this scene. I want you all to be as informed and prepared as you can. Much more to come! xx

As always, my asks and messages are always open! <3

[hirmienworld]

Anyway what I really find amusing is that at least for me, I wasn't experiencing such a big amount of anticipation, conjectures, theories, character analysis, set and props placement analysis with such a large group of loyal and scrupulous fans.. maybe since the "Who is -A in Pretty little liars?" . Never I would have believed, in those days, that all this excitement would have been about a Boy's Love Thai drama.

"Only Friends" really is powerful.

Also, before getting into drama and BL drama, with all the binge watching of show on Netflix and other streaming platforms, I had forgotten how it was to have to wait a whole week for an episode.

[mejomonster]

So this doesn’t have to be a feature of all danmei and bl (and in some cases it’s refreshing or adding something to the story to purposefully Not include it which i can appreciate for that), but i personally tend to appreciate when danmei does treat sexuality as somewhat significant. In the sense that like, a straight person is going to view the world a bit differently than a queer person. In terms of what is safe to share and with who, in terms of what norms in society they never questioned versus realize they don’t fit and perhaps its worth considering if some of those molds aren’t things they need to fit (or conversely things they’d like to make compatible to their life), in a lot of ways one’s sexuality somewhat affects how we navigate life.

Not Me the Series, the thai drama, I think is written from a viewpoint of these characters know they’re queer, and that means yeah they sign petitions for queer rights and marriage - and are aware life isn’t already Ideal for them and trans friends, and that intersects in other ways with how they view the law and activism and disability and other minority rights (they all have their own different viewpoints, but it does effect their lived experience and ways of relating and connecting to the wider world). Or pretty much any of my favorite bls honestly - 3 Will Be Free, a lead being bi, a lead being gay, and all 3 leads being polyamorous affect how the world they’re in views them. New show Never Let Me Go used Ben to highlight how just being out or not out effects one’s life and friendships, The Eclipse had the femme queer kids be the protestors for freedom of expression, Ayan’s character being brave about investigating is at least somewhat shaped by being out already and having already Had to be brave and love himself and believe in himself and his friends, in having role models that were queer like him he looked up to and became brave with the help of. To me, I appreciate when this kind of stuff is an influence on how the characters act because like. Me being demisexual sure doesn’t affect me much you’d think, but it effects how I understand or don’t conversations with others, media, how I view important relationships with friends in society and the lack of legal ways to help each other compared to spouses, etc. Even if in theory it should only come up when i’m dating, in reality it still shapes how i’m living in the world. so i like it being at least present in the background of characterizations. (Like? Even if they live in a perfect idealized world where there’s no homophobia, no lack of rights, like some bl, surely being different from the majority sexuality still effects them idk maybe wanting to be More Overt about their attraction so people get they’re being flirty? Something. Bad Buddy isn’t a perfect example, but it’s a servicable one I’d say, of a story that minimizes the real world effects of one’s sexuality’s in experiencing life but still shows some ways it changes how people relate to the world. Pran is secretive, not super open to admiting he’s dating someone, liking men is fine but societially its still more Daunting to admit - especially Pat given the specific ‘enemy families’ thing. Pat’s little sister Pah likes Ink but doesn’t even realize liking girls is an option until someone says it - which is true to life, plenty of people don’t realize they might be queer until they learn its even a Possible Thing. Pat has his past with Pran click into place when HE realizes he could like a guy, and probably no doubt a lot about being bi clicks into place when he realizes in retrospect. For me this is a nice middle ground when you want to play with “more idealized world” than say Moonlight Chicken’s reality, but you don’t want to make it so fantasy that it’s like the Sims games and sexuality has zero bearing on their interactions with the world. Like... not for everyone but for some people, finding out you’re gay might affect your politics and if you consider worrying about minority rights. It might affect how you consider discussing/admitting things to a doctor or boss, if you’re as open about your dating life to colleagues as they are. Sure people might have supportive circles and no issues, but somewhere down the line in the real world they might worry ‘if i cross into x place am i even safe to be me’. When the story gets SO fantastically ‘ideal’ that part of our real experience is gone. Which again - in some stories thats the point, its interesting to explore a world unlike ours. But for me its not my favorite story to sink into usually. 

(Also now that I’m thinking of it, Kabe Koji was one jdrama bl that was ‘realistic’ in a way I really liked. It handled jpop in a critical way, but gently. Mangaka industry in a critical way, but gently emotionally. The difference between out and proud mangaka and more reserved private ones like the lead, and the lead’s friend being both a bit critically overt depiction of a fujioshi but also with her heart in the right place. Akin to the kind of girl you maybe met in your teen years, or really might still meet at a yaoi doujin convention. The stalker paparazzi guy following the jpop guy, an acknowledgement that outing someone as gay can be cruel and horrifically just ‘part of the job’, again handling the issue critically but gently on one’s heart. Ending optimistically, reminding one that even in our real world with all these problems - where even the gay mangaka making yaoi for a living is dealing with them just as real for him, we can make our way and be happy and have a good life with friends, family, and loved ones.)

Priest is one of my favorite danmei writers for including that character’s sexualities do have life-wide effects in how they interact with the world (that I’ve read so far because surely there are A LOT of great writers who include this sort of thing as they’re most of the authors i’ve read so far, so there must be more). We’ve got Zhao Yunlan who’s got perfectly tolerant/accepting coworkers, is certainly confidently out when it comes to hitting on crushes or discussing his relationship life with friends (<3 same Zhao Yunlan same), but a dad who’d be disappointed in and hate him even if he Were straight, a mom who probably wanted grandkids and is realistically not perfectly-happy she might not get any but she loves her son and it doesn’t really matter. Silent Reading where... fuck every single main character’s sexuality REALLY shapes their life interactions. Tao Ran being straight is critical - so much literally just would NOT go the same if he were bi. Luo Wenzhou being gay in the police, his higher ups having ‘bad rumors’ about it as if it’s not a good thing, but his close higher ups also admiring his good work and talent and realizing they’re too fond of him to really care if he’s gay, how that does in fact affect his work life and how Good must he have been these years for potentially biased/homophobic fellow police to still promote him. Being the kind of man who even can have a best friend - and a best friend who’s very open to all of who he is without secrets. Him being less warm to women than say Zhao Yunlan, another ‘talented police chief’ who’s much more suave/smooth with all parties. Him viewing his singleness in a less guilty way then say someone who’s parents expect marriage and a family (like Tao Ran’s family does), and that affecting how he views him and Tao Ran’s similarities and thinking TR could’ve kept on like Captain Luo - but also realizing acceptingly when TR cant - he’s got a different life path and different concessions/choices he’s got to make. And Fei Du like? How he related to and understands both Tao Ran and Luo Wenzhou’s pov is affected by being bi and getting both of their povs a bit, he surrounds himself presumably by bi friends (Like Zhang Donglan) so he can be himself, he mainly flirts with women when he’s alone possibly because it’s more socially easy to do without anyone being surprised, he’s probably aware in some way he has yet another aspect of himself that’s not mainstream society and does that influence him feeling like an outsider (or that’s perhaps not what his dad envisioned of the perfect successor). It’s a trait he can relate to Luo Wenzhou over, and one of the Easiest traits he finds to relate over as he grows up (their rival crush on Tao Ran being the first easiest point they can see “eye to eye” on). In Tian Ya Ke, Wen Kexing being into men affects his personality, how Zhou Zishu is immediately sure and weary he’s being hit on, the way Wen Kexing is very overtly flirty and flamboyant and himself implies he doesn’t care or fear standing out or being unacceptable to someone in society, helps show his confidence, his propensity to enjoy things, if he wasn’t gay how different might his character be. He wouldn’t be the same. I haven’t read much of Can Ci Pin, but set in the future I can imagine sexuality (like say in Bad Buddy) has very little world-life restrictions. I have read enough to know one of the leads is bi and that’s stated at some point early, which to me implies it will still show in how it effects his interaction with the world. (Also just... as a bi person... I very much appreciate the plethora of bisexual lead characters in priest novels who are out about it. It makes me feel seen, and real, and when I was growing up biphobia was intense and everyone insisted bi people weren’t real, that I needed to ‘pick’ and I had nothing to really look to and go but i am real i’m like X. It wasn’t until i was older and found the queer community online I felt like i belonged and was seen. And it wasn’t until maybe the last 10 years I saw a lot more explicitly bisexual characters in media. So maybe someday someone grows up, like me, but never feels they don’t belong and aren’t supposed to exist. Maybe they always know bi and pan and queer people are around, just like them, and so it’s not so isolating when they figure out about themselves.)

[watchingblsnowandforever]

In less than a year, I have completed more than fifteen BLs (most of them Thai). I've binged most, but I watched a few while they were airing as well. It's easier for me to compare the different types of bls out there.

I have experienced a lot of conflict, some not so bad and some heart-wrenching. My heart being fully invested, I've fallen in love nearly as many times as I've been heartbroken. The only one that made me cry so far though, is Theory of Love. It's not my favorite, but I do love it.

Anyways.

I didn't know how to start this, so I just went off from one point.

All things considered, i like B&B. I love Cher's energetic and cheerful nature, I like how Boss (yes we're calling him boss) at least tries to open up himself to Cher despite his painful past.

It makes me smile at how Cher just wiggled his way in and refuses to leave.

I also love depression making a cameo. Like yes, that's a normal thing that people have, but he's getting therapy, and he's doing better now.

As i said, I've experienced a lot of conflict. Sometimes, I just need fluff. Like this show. Sometimes, it's okay if the characters are just happy and go through small everyday hurdles instead of one big obstacle that lasts more than half the show.

Case in point: Enchanté. We just get like 1 (one) episode of fluff and communication, and the rest is all conflict.

This is absolutely my personal opinion, and I do not want to hurt anybody or force anyone else to believe in this.

In real life, I really don't like conflicts or confrontations. And sometimes, i just want the characters to avoid that too. Just solve your problems together, be happy, you know.

[rawrmeansilyindinosawr]

A SUBWAY LUV STORe «U n i are not tha same>

We look at each other b4 the train doors close , i leave u barely just enter Im in love with ur hello kitty ear muffs and Neon green tights and I tell u i am but it's a rat race, the subway fills and ppl push me off u and i stand frozen while the train doors close and life comes to remind me that everything goes on without my permission cuz the train runs straight ahead, i look for u in every single window and our eyes lock for the last time.

It's been a long week since i've blogged properly cuz there has been too much on my head, feelin so preoccupied emotionally / mentally .. tho still high key unemployed i've been tryna work on mi styling portfolio n focus on finishing my classes / keep networking n make good memories like .....

Gettin to k hole with my friendz and make out at the park, finding a floral Amex card on tha floor of a club n buying everyone drinks n buying urself a taxi home wiff it cuz it's untraceable <Lowkey wanting to go to target n get 10000 visa gift cards but like Lmao thts kinda mad illegal than just illegal Lmfao> holding hands with ur bffs on rooftops while having deep molly talks, taking LLO00OnnG naps wiff them n singing them to sleep, throwing house parties n making music til 3am, playing dress up with Ppl'Z boyfriends and playing sleezy photographer by Feeding K to them in random mansions in W village, Doing mushrooms on first date at maria hernandez ... N while we r tripping give each other massagez n tell each other the diff shapes we see in the sky <but get high key lied to ab how long they've been in Nyc like why do ppl lie ab little shit like that Imfao>

Im just reminded tht U and i are not the same, u clap when u land on the airplane wi clap every time i get to the right stop on tha subway! U and i are not the same, I have an pussy tat tht says MEOW , u tatted ur full name on ur knee so when u black out they know who u Are.

i kant even afford an ambulance!!!! Im still waiting for moi mf unemployment card from Keybank in the mail!!!!!! U and i r not the same , Im hurting ab another 2 1/2 week situationship and ur in a perfect relationship of a year +. What’s numbing about dating in nyc is that u never know how to truly prepare for when its last time u r gonna see someone , there are so many people who ghost u , so many people that just don’t know how to communicate (misc connections with all the disorganized attachment styles)… how do U prepare for heart ache ???? And how do u tell them and urself lovingly that it will probably be experienced many more times than we wanna believe it will ?? I think we just have to continue to accept things 4 how they Are . So…

Im gonna stop asking why ppl r the way they are and instead accept that ppl can truly just b inconsiderate n reckless loveless ppl . And that as much as i’ve tried to not fall into the prototype of the “misunderstood sad loner romantic artist bitch that no one kan console” i am often reminded that now as an adult i kan totally talk to anyone n read the room n “blend in” but that the differences r still there , and that i am still left feeling like an outsider . Sure i kan propbably say that in a positive light i may be more advanced , or think of love in more of a virtuous way , like I think mayb when ur gonna be going out of town u should probably communicate that at least a few days before u actually go , or maybe set proper boundaries so I’m not the one approving which clothes u pack in ur luggage r parent proof , but i guess every1 thinks of balance and hierarchy and boundaries in diff ways .

I Almost fought a triple cancer on the street in front of webster hall cuz he said i should go get some real chainz and i told him he was culturally appropriating cuz he had a chinese tat on his neck while he claimed he wuz half thai. He tried to correct meh and tell meh mandarin is the character while it’s a fuckin language and i rly wanted to just throw handz rite then n there plus a promoter wuz filming meh encouraging meh to . But i yam a pacifist (I don’t bite) but boy oh boy do i love barking . I yam a 10 but I bark and it hurts a lil . Tht one thing forsure ab meh is tht ima mf let u know . Got invited to b at wiz khalifas vip table n ditched cuz idk man!!

I LUVVVVV my job and modeling !!! tbh i have been in weird ass situations b4 and like hate photographers so much but like recently being on set with the 15-20 models for oun magazine this weekend was like fucking beautiful and inspiring and i love being around other artists who uplift each other n other poc queer artists/models who express themselves freely and i know that nyc has given me crazi imposter syndrome esp now that nyfw is coming up and i’m def still not 5’8+ or have a 24 inch waist but i am getting asked to attend castings and agencies are replying to all my email inquiries and i am trying my best to stay confident and accept that rejection is actually super normal in this industry and to not take it personally cuz with each rejection comes each acceptance with each casting !!!!!! Like the fact that over 1,000 models applied for the mag i was just in but meh and 15-20 others got picked out of them like …???? Henlooooo bitch thank u. Shoutout 2 rocky u kan kiss meh anytime.

YES i do 2 bumps of K for tha commute to run errands and all dat AND WHUT. molly is fucking shitty tho i Yam not touching tht shit prob ever again / def not dosing myself with 3 pills in a nite ever again like Wtf was i thinking . Also how the fuck u gonna come into my house party acting like ur too kool to talk to meh Im sorri but nxt time I c u ima let u kno in person ur a fuckin weirdo . Post molly ren is NO FUN like hell no i am not sleeping like 20+ hours in a day like tht is such a waste of life!!! I am capturing every single day as a fuckin blessing ESP cuz now i’m almost 25!!!! Im planning moi party NOW i got tha venue down just need dj’s and to make an official flyer n plan to set everything up All Kool n themed obv!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“today i am 24 and today i remember that i used to blow out each candle each year wishing i wasn't but i'm 24 now and realize we're here then we're gone and pain is simply apart of life.

this year i drove across the country...twice. i made memories with friends, both old and new. laughing and singing while we spend in beamers in vegas, buying wigs in philadelphia, eating deep dish in chicago, and passing 100mph to new york getting tattoos in places i never thought i would. this year i went to arkansas, colorado, vegas, indiana, ohio, utah, texas, missouri, michigan, and new jersey.

this year i got laid off at my 40K a year professional job as a socialworker for the LA Country department of aging and had to file for unemployment. i survived a global pandemic. this year i realized that 12 year old ren / "teresa" would be proud of who 24 year old ren is - and i know that because 12 year old ren always strived to be true to themselves, even if no one supported them or believed in them. scarred and traumatized, using tumblr as their only outlet besides trips to the hospital...this year i realized that baby ren looks up to 24 year old ren. and that if only baby ren knew that in double the amount of years they were older that they'd be living in new york, a model, tattoo artist, manager of a bar, and have amazing friends who defy society with them...rebels with noble causes....anarchists and punks...rockstars and fashion designers.....they would be grateful they were alive....blowing out each candle with sincerity, intention, thanksgiving....that pain truly does pass.....and that the world is bigger than they could have ever dreamed or imagined.....new and widened eyes baby ren blow out your candles now.

<come pick me up i'll pay for gas there's no where else id rather be and you'll drive fast and i won't ask to pick the music on the street and we'll talk about whatever and pretend that we won't tell even pretending to ourselves .... i like to feel my heart beat with my eyes shut ...... forgive me for wanting to break but i'll still be here in 5 years making every mistake 16 turned to disappear to a week and a half you know it's not an act there's just still a lot i haven't put into words yet .... i like to talk about the hospital and go when i don't need it just to show the world i feel it but i only ever did it once and it was selfish it was fun.....i'll still be here in 5 years making every mistake 16 turned to disappear to a week and a half you know it's n out an act there's still a lot i haven't put into words yet...>

[absolutebl]

10 BL Scenes I Wish We Had Translator Notes On

Inspired by a discussion in this post. Here are some BL scenes I really wish we had extensive notes from translators to read. Or that a language coach or linguistics professor would analyze. 

(Note: I don’t always have a picture of the scene in question.) 

1. Daisy & Touch’s Date in Secret Crush On You 

I did this one myself but I am nothing but a dilettante, I’d love someone more experienced with Thai nuance and the queer community do a full on analysis of the language use. 

2. Phun coming out to his dad in Love Sick 2

I haven’t rewatched in a while and I would probubly understand more now, but at the time this scene was SO confusing. The translated pronouns are all over the place and I wasn’t at all sure whether he even was actually coming out or not. 

3. Thun talking to his mom on the phone in He’s Coming to Me 

There a whole subtle thing that goes on when Mes overhears Thun on the phone, to do with “ter.” I think I got it, but also, I think I missed a bit of the nuances that’s insightful to their mother/son relationship. 

4. The ex-girlfriend, the boys, and the balcony in Precise Shot

A VERY odd choice as this is a Chinese censored bromance but I am pretty darn sure there is a whole subtextual dig at Taiwan and Taiwanese spoken Mandarin in this scene that went WAY over my head. I think it’s so rich for China to take a dig at Taiwan in an CENSORED BL. I want to know more about what’s going on.

5. The gendered(?) register code switch in the office kitchen in Old Fashion Cupcake 

Honestly the translations are just really really bad for this one (on Viki for Japanese in general) and I am super grateful I have at least some ear for Japanese because I can tell when they mess up (which they keep doing). It’s a marker of how good this show is that I adored it despite this. Still, I would like the nuance of this scene explained a bit more. I get that he switched into a feminine register but how exactly? To what degree? What are the additional implications of this? How rare is that for a man of his age? How mocking was it? Or does mockery not come into it? Is there a queer of gay coded implication to this behavior? I HAVE QUESTIONS.

6. Nuch’s speech in Not Me

We don’t get speeches in BL very often, especially not subversive ones from a queer person addressing a crowd. The language is by necessity completely different under these circumstances and I really really like to know how and why certain choices were made. 

7. Paitong’s speech of protection in La Cuisine  

I love the way this one is translated but I am not entirely sure that translation was accurate. The supportive way Pai talks about his sisters (including Kitty in that) made me so happy, I want to believe it is honestly translated but I am not 100% certain that the queer implications of that translation were thought through (in English). 

8. The frozen register usage from Prince’s mom in Sky in Your Heart. 

I did not like this BL but the language use going on when Sky visits Prince’s house mansion is CRAZY cool. There is a dialectic switch but also a register switch and I am pretty sure they are speaking in frozen (which no one really does IRL unless they are/are with royalty). I’ve never heard anyone speak Thai the way she does. 

* Note: Anytime you see Thai script subbed it means the characters are probubly speaking in a heavy dialect. So there are a few shows set in the north, like Siew Sum Noi that I would have liked a lot more linguistic info on, but the fact that I managed to find them translated at all, is kinda a miracle. 

9. Yaja time in Semantic Error

I think I fully understand the concept and I got the implications of the drunk conversation before the kiss. But I’d like to know, in that particular version of yaja time, if there’s anything else more subtly queer going in with these two. I mean we all known and could hear that JaeYoung executes the sluttiest “hyung” on the goddamn planet but is there something else happening linguistically? 

Often with KBL the culture around queer is so coded and so subtle I feel like I am missing a lot of the linguistic hints. Or maybe it just really is that repressed.

10. Mr Cinderella and the pronoun negotiations

I can’t pick a specific scene off the top of my head, although I am sure there is one. I understand from @squeakygeeky​ that Vietnamese I/you pronouns are pretty gender and power dynamic coded. This makes Mr Cinderella (the least Seme/uke of all VBLs) one of the most challenging on the actors and translations. I’d love it if they, and me, were given more information about this. Not just translation, but script choice, why those pronouns at that point in the narrative? Why the switch? Why NO switching? That kinda thing. 

(source)

[squeakygeeky]

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about tropes I normally hate and what it’s like to see them executed the way I enjoy. My Only 12% got me with the time skip. I very often hate them, especially in BL, but also in general. (Anyone else still scarred from Battlestar Galactica and Fat Lee etc. or is that just me?). This one was my usual least favorite variant, the time skip + forced separation and I still enjoyed it. Here’s what I think made the difference.

It didn’t suddenly show up at the end, it happened around the last third.

The characters were separate but kept it touch to a believable degree.

We got a montage of what happened during the time skip as it was happening instead of suddenly being dumped 4 years later and getting everything in flashbacks, if at all.

 Eiw especially experienced much-needed growth and change during the time skip, both because of the separation, but also inspired by Cake (which is important because it would be a problem if it seemed like he would be better off without Cake in his life at all forever).

Neither character changed to an unrecognizable degree

Despite the same actors playing the characters, they do seem like university students and not young teens now. I know I felt like the actors were way too old for their roles but now it makes sense. They seem like the right age for their current roles, even if they are a bit older.

They are being styled differently, but also manage to convey growing up through a difference in body language.

It’s very clear how the dynamic of their relationship has changed, even though they’re still best friends. Eiw isn’t the shy dependent one anymore. He’s in familiar territory, he’s further advanced in his studies, he has lots of friends, he has fulfilling hobby. More importantly he understands that he has a crush on Cake and seems to have made peace with that. There’s a little pining, but it’s nothing compared to the jealously eating away at Cake, which is made all the worse by the fact that I don’t think he’s aware that it’s romantic jealousy, so he’s jealous of anyone close to Cake. And Cake is now the one with actual competition.

There’s suddenly an element of sexual tension that wasn’t there before.

For the other aspects of this episode, I’m glad I’ve picked up enough about Thai to understand the teasing between Eiw and Cake over the fact that Eiw is now a year more senior in school. ‘Nong’ was getting translated as both ‘baby’ and ‘freshman.’ Very cute that Cake was willing to ‘phi’ him back.

We still have literally everyone they interact with knowing that this is the Cake and Eiw show, and their parents knowing they sleep over with each other constantly, but nobody really questioning it as something romantic except Tal, who himself likes Eiw, and Tal’s cute barista friend, who will definitely need to console him. So I have no idea how things will go when it all comes out so to speak.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Odd question but is izuru kamakura a person or a state of being

Like

Does izuru count as a separate being of hajime

Or

Is he hajime with simply to many talents

Meaning if someone gets all talents will thay become a instance of Izuru kamakura.

Initially, when I was created, I was just a void. It was more like I was Hajime Hinata’s body, with no identity or personality after it had all been wiped away.

But shortly after Hajime escaped from the Neo World Program, I was formed inside his head. Maybe that’s to mean that this whole time, despite being a hollow shell, I really was my own person, and he didn’t want me to go.

I think we are a unique case as well. Ayumu Fujimori and Nagito Komaeda have the same power as us, but neither of them experienced a second personality or character like me. Or at least they never claimed to.

That might be because neither Ayumu or Nagito had their personalities wiped.

Or it may be because the way Hajime acquired his talents, and the way they acquired their talents are different. You had to go through brain surgery and medical procedures. They just drank a magic potion.

Both are indeed possible. But to give a simple answer to the question, I am a separate being of Hajime.

Hajime and I are nothing alike personality wise. At most, we believe in the same things and fight for the same causes. However, our outlook on such causes are different.

What do you mean?

Hajime fought and protected people with his talents because he thought it was right.

I wish to do the same, but not for others sake. I want to know if there is any meaning to using these abilities.

...And to see if I can find a way to get enjoyment out of the life I have been given.

[thephantomporg84]

As much as I love the trope of characters that hide that they have a lot of negative feelings by putting on an act, I really wish it was made more obvious Dante's cuhrayzee wahoo pizza man act is partly a front, since it kinda seems like people don't notice? Sure there was DMC2 but DMC2 is treated as barely canon by most, and Dante's characterization was one of many big complaints about it.

Oh god I totally feel this Anon. 1,000% agree, as someone who love love loves this trope, too. Lol. It’s why I devour a good DMC story on AO3, especially if the writer knocks this trope out of the park.

But yeah. That was sort of one of my bigger nitpicks about DMC5 as a whole. Like. While I do appreciate that the game (and series, really) can be played and the story does mostly work if you’re not invested in it and taking it at face value / just want a good action game — which is a super helpful tactic to bring new people in with such a gap between titles — I hate how it ruins the context of a lot of stuff.

Vergil (as V) all but looks directly at the camera and says ‘I’m a bastard and did what I did because I was afraid/wanted to be loved and protected’ but Dante’s internal conflict is wayyyy more subtle and it’s cheapened if you really have to spell it out, imo — because I feel like the ‘negative feelings behind a goofy exterior’ thing is easy to portray hard to give real depth to. As in, it’s easy to make Dante be cuhrayzee and swing his chainsaw motorcycle around, but hard to show that it’s an act to fool others (as well as himself, probably to some degree). Unfortunately, on top of all that, lot of people aren’t gonna wanna bend over backwards like you, me, and others have done to discuss and pick Dante’s (or any character from any series, really) personality apart.

That said: I don’t think there are nearly enough contextual clues present in any of the games to make this more apparent, either. I remember some guy made a pretty good video a few years back about how the anime proves Dante is actually depressed on YT, and that video blew up and got nearly 100-150k views (which is a lot, esp. when you consider how dead this series was ‘till E3 2018), and a lot of people were ‘shocked’ and ‘never noticed xyz indicator’ before.

Like... If you give me a scene and have given me all the clues I need, but they’re super vague and I miss it? That’s on me, and totally my bad — another reason to replay the game with a more watchful eye. But I feel like DMC has left way, wayyyy too much out about how Dante feels to even do that, now.

I think one of the best examples of that lack of any kind of solid clues about Dante’s personality is in DMC5: In game, Patty calls to invite him to her birthday, and is loud and chatty and kind of annoying. Dante just seems to cringe and brush it off/hang up. If you weren’t familiar with the anime, then you might just brush it off as a gag, or see it as a brief throwback/cameo if you were. Either way, you could chalk it up to ‘oh wow wrong number / what an annoying girl haha.’ But then if you look in Before the Nightmare, which isn’t even available in any language except Japanese, we see that Dante is incredibly uncomfortable at the idea of being around ‘normal’ people, and I believe it even mentions that he plans to make it up to her.

This ties back into my complaints about putting so much meat from the story in the side material, and then not even making the side material available with the game or even easy to access. I feel like putting that kind of interesting characterization in side material is almost criminal lol. Because that makes the whole scene have so much more weight — especially because it sets up that this man is clearly uncomfortable with what he is, possibly now more than ever, and is about to be asked to kill his brother, again... because of what they both are. You also lose that family dynamic of Nero experiencing the same type of isolation as Dante without even fully understanding why.

And if that wasn’t enough, you also lose some AMAZING bits of characterization if you never read Before the Nightmare like:

Dante still sending Grue’s (from the DMC1 novel) two living daughters / their other caretaker (Morrison looks after them, too) money. Dante also had to mercy kill Grue’s oldest daughter. He sends it to them from using money out of his own savings.

The former patrons of Bobby’s Cellar (re-named Grue’s Cellar) and those in the mercenary world immensely disliking Dante, and fully blaming him for the deaths in that bar, Grue’s death, Nell Goldstein’s death, and the hospital invasion/massacre that happened in the DMC1 novel. So, Dante is even hated in the mercenary world, and shoulders the blame for a lot of stuff that he didn’t do / has probably lost a lot of work because of this — and a lot of it is stuff that Gliver (👀) did or instigated.

The caretaker of Grue’s girls absolutely hating Dante, even though the sisters defend him, and he most likely knows and just says nothing. The caretaker even remarks that she thinks he’s a bad omen and she ‘Hopes he’s dead’ and that ‘If he’s alive, I’d love to stick a shotgun up his ass’.

Lady noticing that the qliphoth is growing in Redgrave City, and then noticing the name on Dante’s guns later — then wondering what the connection was there — indicating how little even people like Lady really know about him.

Like, holy shit that’s just a few things and it already adds so much depth to Dante’s character that’s not there in the games alone. I know I’ve said a million times not to take the series that seriously or in realistic terms, but... I mean... even ridiculously goofy stuff like JoJo’s has really well developed, layered characters that will surprise you / break your heart in the blink of an eye. So it’s not impossible for something like DMC to make some stuff a little more apparent.

Oh, and as for DMC2 — if it hadn’t followed the trend at the time of randomly making your protagonist into a dark/angsty/edgelord version of themselves, and had given the angsty turn some logical explanation, then I don’t think it would have been quite so hated (at least, janky gameplay and rushed design aside). Itsuno said that’s the one he’d remake if given a choice to do a remake, and I can’t help but think he wouldn’t say thay without having some ideas on what he’d do differently.

(SORRY I KNOW THIS IS SUPER LONG. But it’s something that really irks me a lot because it could be SO GOOD if handled a little better lol.)

[deprssivewriter]

Errors in general and Nye in particular

Thanks to the best bro for motivation (even though you did it unconsciously).

It’s time to talk about concept and characters, yeah. Although today I will pay attention to the most unprocessed of them.

A brief digression: once upon a time there was a boy of fourteen years old and he wanted characters with angel wings. But he not only had given up on the wings, and he'd given the race the stupid name "Errors," and by the time he was twenty, he hadn't come up with anything better. So, in addition to the wings, Errors each have their own curse (there are only a few types, but more on that later). Accordingly, when they are severely or mortally wounded, the curse consumes them (who understood thay understood, who did not understand they will understand). However, even after the resurrection, the curse does not immediately go away, it torments the wearer for another couple of days (depending on the circumstances), while the body slowly recovers. Errors are born rarely from ordinary people, parents see the wings from birth, even though they are like in a hidden state. By the age of 3-4, Errors awaken their first powers, including their wings, and they can no longer keep them hidden, so for the next few years everyone can see their wings until they learn to control them. We continue to develop my insanity, Errors are immortal. You can kill them only by pulling out their wings, all other methods of killing lead only to rebirth. By the way, the Error itself can not pull out the wings, either, they will grow back in this case. It seems that all the most important things are indicated.

Let's go back to the one I originally wanted to write about. Nye. Initially, he was envisioned as a completely neutral character, but quickly enough something went wrong, and he became an asshole, which probably difficult to find. But a recent conversation with bro made me think about him. I really wanted to write something, and I asked her if she wanted to see something from the life of a certain character. She also said that she wanted Nye and Jack(another Error) to meet for the first time, and I was a little upset. It was in my mind in general terms, but I never thought about this moment in detail, however, as well as about Nye. Among all my characters, he is the only one who does not have a prototype from real life. Somehow, he just happens to exist on its own. Among other things, somehow it turned out that he was fucking special. In theory, the first Error appeared due to a freaking major failure in genetics, according to the theory, all the genes there should have been recessive (I'm not a biologist, so I don't quite understand what I'm saying, I warn you right away). Nye, in turn, was born an albino, which is also a fucking glitch in genetics, and with it came a new curse that no one had before. Nye is currently the only carrier of it (and probably the only one, I don't think that he wants to have a child). So, when I thought about him, I tried to put aside all my negative attitude towards him, and realized that in fact he is very strong, and it is quite possible that he was so twisted because of life. He had to deal with all this shit himself (Errpr’s powers, I mean). And even when he was able to find some information, he still had his curse, which no one had ever seen before. And I will remind you that he is an albino, so he periodically got severe sunburn. I also remind you that the curse begins to work when the wearer is seriously injured. His curse is carnivorous butterflies (yes, what will you do to me). They eat away at the place where the wound is, which is accompanied by hellish pain and not the most pleasant sight, in the case of death, the butterflies eat him completely, while he remains conscious for as long as possible (when I imagine what pain he is experiencing, I already wince). And to avoid suffering, he was able to subdue his own curse, which also happened for the first time in the history of Errors.

Nye has learned to spray his body on butterflies and thus travel long distances in a very short time, he has to wear a black cloak so that the sun can not burn him, and in case of which people do not see his rotten, butterfly-eaten flesh. Also, since some butterflies are extremely good at mimicry, he has learned to use them to turn into any person, which is also a great achievement. Let's go back almost to the beginning of the post, where I mentioned Jack. Nye took him away from his family around the age of 7 to take care of him, so that he would not face the same difficulties as Nye himself. Only Jack's family was good, they loved their son, even too much, perhaps even considered it a blessing that their son was an "angel". But Nye took him anyway. My main character, has a theory that maybe Jack's parents were part of a cult that hunted her once (ugh, in short, Error’s feathers are important shit and that very sect catches them as children until they can't control their wings), or at least were going to give it to them, and all their love is ostentatious, so that Jack does not master the ability to hide his wings for as long as possible. Given that I still haven't refuted this theory, it's possible that this is true, and Nye actually saved him (let's skip the point that after a dozen years, he began to treat him). I'm all for what, maybe Nye is just broken, like almost all of my characters. Yes, compared to someone else (I'm talking about the main OC, yes, her name is Tie), his suffering and pain are not so large-scale, but we all have a different psyche, none of us consists of iron or something harder. In addition, in the end, after almost a decade from the main events, Nye still comes to his senses and realizes that he behaved like an asshole.

Up to this point, I have not had any sketches with Nye, except for some very short snatches from the plot, because it is very difficult. It is extremely difficult for me to think like Nye from events of present, he is extremely adept at mixing lies with the truth, so that in the end you involuntarily begin to believe him.

"You know, I almost feel sorry for her. She has everything and nothing — no friends, no homeland, no family… She is a proud person, she never gives up, but her very contempt for death speaks volumes. She has nothing to lose, and she wants nothing but her own death, and she won't get it. Tie is smart enough to understand this and more… She hates us, fights with us, but even so, she understands that the truth is on our side. By blood, she is a person, but by birth she is tied to Errors and **. ***, Yuzuru, and even ****** can be forgiven and accepted. Tie — no, because the hatred of the traitor and betrayal is stronger than the arguments of reason… She knows how to show that she does not care, but she is a living being. She proved to everyone that she was ready to be the best, but it wouldn't change anything… She will live her life with the stamp, so she does not fall in love. Whatever she is, she is afraid that her children will turn out to be Error and live the same life. That they'll live in hell... "The good has sharp fangs" ... that's what Tie once said. Her drinking with *******, her friendship with demons, her lack of fear… God, everyone is afraid, even me, but Tie is not… She seeks her own death, and finds someone else's, " Nye said softly.

I'm sorry, some of the words are censored (?), because I'm not ready to talk about someone’s names yet. Let's go back to the other one. Will you be able to figure out where the lies are and where the truth is, without knowing anything about Tie?

While the real Nye is hard for me, I have a good understanding of the Nye of the future and, as it turned out, of the past. And all this demagoguery I spread only for the sake of the second.

When the curse first consumed me, I didn't immediately understand what was happening. Gradually, the white butterflies of “death" were killing me. I knew I was turning into food for them, but I couldn't help it. I just lay there helplessly, watching as they gradually absorbed my flesh and reached my bones. Everything happened very slowly, and I was conscious until they got to my heart.

But even after the rebirth, they have not disappeared. I didn't want to go through that excruciating pain again, I didn't want to be [eaten] again.

I tried not to get hurt, but it's very difficult, so I started wearing a black raincoat in all weathers to keep the burns to a minimum. That's something.

But in battle, it is more difficult to avoid a blow or even death. In one of these I do not know how, but just for a couple of seconds, I turned into a flock of butterflies, with the help of which I was able to avoid a blow. It wasn't a pleasant feeling, but it struck me. And ever since, I've been haunted by the thought that it's Me who can control my curse, not it.

With small steps, I began to master it, first scattering the individual parts of the body, getting used to the sensations and control over each of the butterflies. Then it was more difficult, it was necessary to learn not only to scatter the whole body, but also to spend as much time as necessary in this state. It's very energy-intensive, but I'm sure it will pay off for me.

Maybe with this ability, I can become something special, something more…

[panpraja]

Standing in the shower remembering that the word 'corpse' is derived from the same word as the French 'corps' meaning 'body' and how 'photographie de corps féminin érotique' just makes me think of cannibals and serial killers. Interestingly enough, my showering-self thought, words like 'corpus' and 'carcass', in Russian for instance, has the primary meaning of 'structure' or 'frame', and the meaning of, say, 'skeleton' as secondarily in context.

How unremarkable it would be if linguistically we went a different way and also adopted words like 'corps' or 'carcass' to casually talk about the 'female carcass' or 'the corps of the essay'. Unremarkable because it would’ve been nornal and would know otherwise. To be honest the etymology of the word 'body' in itself is extremely complicated, so perhaps to speak of the external cask of a human was not so much of a necessity or even mindset. Shower me reminded myself that they probably had a different word for it, but abstract me reminded me how the word 'hunger' as in starvation wasn't in the Thai lexicon until recent because its always been an abundant, fertile land. At least that's what I heard.

But back to bodies, I think as I exfoliate mine, we refer to dead people as 'bodies', as in 'a body has been found'. But do we really refer to the people themselves, or just the vessel they left behind? I think this varies from people to people on a subconscious ideological level. This is when I realized that although I am Christian, speak do God and do believe in paranormal forces, I now sit in the shower in an existential crisis realizing that I don't fully have faith in a 'place beyond'. How I came to this conclusion? I realized that in every language I speak, I choose to say 'my grandmother lays in the city-centre cemetary', as in she is her body.

Even though I believe in the soul and like the idea reincarnation, and this might just be a linguistic habit, I tried yet couldn't make myself think of 'her remains lay there' or 'her body' or that 'she' and grandpa themselves are in a 'better place'. Like, when we say 'a body has been found', we imply just the carcass, no consciousness or soul within it anymore, ergo a body and not 'someone' or a person. What are we, our bodies or this voice in my head that reads my own words to me as currently I type them?

I think it's because I am generally a very physical person, as in a lot of 'experiencing' other people is focused on physically hanging out with them, even if virtually via PlayStation, but if I seize to see them I forget they exist. I love my partner dearly, spiritually, I need that 'the one' connection to even get this far, yet even though that's the main criteria, it unlocks the other 80% of my relationship with him which is physical. As a scorpio I mean, yeah, all my chakras and planets are below the belt. The point is, I realized that for me, the person is their physical manifestation. And I can't even put into words what was my 'realization' in that. I guess it's the things they choose to do, wear, and even express is what I see as the person.

Which made sense to me instantly because I always say how you are not your thoughts and dark fantasies or forbidden thinking - you are what you make of them. The mind is a mystical but also sacred safe place. Main keyword in this shower-thoughts-discussion is 'safe', a place of simulation and imaginary journeys that have just as much effect on us as a real experience. One tea-drinking in the dark alone at night session changing your entire worldview, as I once wrote regarding character development. But then what do you DO with it?

So when people say I'm not myself because I act differently in from of different people, I argue that I AM myself - I'm expressing the many paradigms to my spiritual self, I manifest it, which is perhaps my only way of truly living different lives and reincarnate through every person I meet, story I write, image I create. I love my body and voice for the many ways it gives me the ability to express and manifest my soul and 'inner voice'.

As I dry my hair I think, functioning cannibals in a modern society might express the highest form of love by consuming to being consumed by their loves ones to truly be 'one'. Which I guess they'd be polyamorous. I swear I'm sane I just spiraled somehow and got fascinated.

[cooltrainererika]

Alt-talia: Apocalypse Of Rebirth

The title is way too cool-sounding for this fic lol.  

So this is my entry for 10/22; End of the World. …Despite the fact that it’s the 23. But eh, it’s par for the course for me.

This is based in my usual AU, “Alt-talia”. However, while I did think of writing something serious, I just wrote a giant monster of a fic, I need something light. So yeah… here’s something light. I might write a serious fic later, IDK.

Also, this fic uses things that probably wouldn’t happen in Alt-talia, and it would probably make more sense for this to take place over the Internet, but they’re here for for plot convenience. It’s late, forgive me please.

Also, everyone in Alt-talia who doesn’t speak English speaks in broken English. So keep that in mind. And this focuses on non-canon characters mainly, but I can’t come up with anything else and I need to sleep.

So yeah, enjoy.

————-

A certain December

Every so often, the nations held “casual” meetings. They were, by all intents and purposes, unofficial, none of their leaders involved, and much more informal in tone.

Today’s meeting, however, was quite more than informal-

“Why the hell you so calm?!“

“China, please!”

“Shut up, Thai!”

Mexico looked at the increasingly familiar scene before him.

There was China, ranting about how all the stores were out of candles again and how the factories didn’t produce enough.

When the news that the ancient long-count calendar was nearing its end was published, he would have never expected the circus that would have sprouted up from around it.

Well, at least most of them had common sense. Or at least they tried to hide their panic. Russia was maybe a bit more grumpy and even snappy than usual, and Japan’s eyes darted places constantly in increasingly faster speeds. South Korea, the poor kid, had apprehension clear in his movements, as businesslike as he tried to conduct himself. Now, Japan and South Korea were pretty logical people, particularly the latter, but the stress was probably just getting to them. Especially with how Japan just dealt with a massive disaster last year that was still fresh in their minds.

Even America merely sweat a bit more, saying things like “End of the world? No one’s gonna believe that! You really do think I’m stupid, huh? Hahahahaha-“ as his eyes darted.

Others really didn’t seem to care; France even grumbled about one of his villages being overwhelmed by doomsday preppers.

China, on the other hand, for whatever, godforsaken reason, dropped all pretenses of denying it. And he’d also apparently gotten a habit of buying every candle he could find. Something about a three-day blackout. Well, intelligence didn’t always translate to common sense, it is said…

But even then, the idea that this 5000-year-old man was the only one in the room who wholeheartedly believed that nonsense just boggled his mind. Sure, he kind of seemed like the kind of person who might panic at this, maybe, sort of, but when he remembered how old that guy was it floored him. Then again, age was often arbitrary for nations, it seemed. 

So there Mexico sat, alongside El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras observing the situation before them, for once in their lives not yelling at each other in favor of watching others yell at each other.

“Hey, I wonder if it’s ever crossed any of their minds that maybe they just ran out of space?”

Mexico glanced at China, who was now shouting in Philippines’ face, the poor woman being unable to do nothing but stand there terrified, while Turkey frantically searched for something on his phone.

“Should we tell ‘em?”

The Central American trio also took a gander at the escalating scene.

“Hey, do you want to watch the circus or start fighting again?”

“...The circus is good at least.”

“Then pass the popcorn, puto.”

In anyway, Mexico heard that events were going down, for real, in good old Chichen Itza on that date. They were nowhere near Guatemala’s fire festival, but if there was an excuse to have fun, he was gonna take; he was going to be enjoying the start of a new beginning, as certain people ran to their bunkers or whatever, expecting the end.

Because even when it seemed like the end of the world, life went on!

(Author’s note: The non-Latin American countries here come from these statistics (quoting Wikipedia) :  “ In May 2012, an Ipsos poll of 16,000 adults in 21 countries found that 8 percent had experienced fear or anxiety over the possibility of the world ending in December 2012, while an average of 10 percent agreed with the statement “the Mayan calendar, which some say ‘ends’ in 2012, marks the end of the world”, with responses as high as 20 percent in China, 13 percent in Russia, Turkey, Japan and Korea, and 12 percent in the United States.”. Look it up, it’s legit.)

[forever150429]

Cultural Influences in Skam France

So I see a lot of criticism about Skam France these days, and I'd like to clarify one or two points. Each remake is heavily influenced by its culture. Adapting the show is not just about having French characters eating croissants while the Italians eat pizza to fit the context. It's way deeper than that. Remakes are filmed in a way that targets primarily their domestic audience. That's why, as a French myself, I might be more predisposed to relate to Skam France on a deeper level than some foreigners.

I am not familiar enough with the other cultures to analyze how they impacted the other remakes. All I can say, is that my friend and I were really confused when we saw how praised the acting of og s3 was in Norway. Don't get me wrong, I like how they portrayed the characters, but they seem a little bit too emotionless for me. However, I learnt thereafter that it is the whole point: subtlety is what makes a good movie in Norway. I was therefore confronted to cultural differences. Keeping that in mind, let's address the most redundant complaints about Skam France:

Skam France is overdramatic

No, it's not. At least not from a French point of view. Characters' reactions feel pretty natural to me. I can totally picture those around me reacting or acting similarly in similar situations. Showing emotions is normal in French cinema or else we feel like actors don't know how to act. Plus, French people are drama lovers, in real life and in movies. "La vie en rose" isn't what most of us is experiencing. From what I've observed after living 2 years abroad, the state of mind here tends to be a little bit more pessimistic compared to other countries. Happy endings are for example way more numerous in American movies than in French movies. So it's sad, but even though I like sweet and peaceful moments, I enjoy the show way more when things go down and when characters are confronted with harsh, overwhelming situations because I can relate more. Episodes where everyone is happy, openminded and accepting are boring at best, unrealistic at worst. And portraying a coming out where not even one person isn't supporting it in France in 2019 would've honestly been utopic, even though coming outs that end well do happen. Just ask the cast. They said several times that they received lots of messages of people that weren't supported by those around them.

Skam France oversexualizes its characters

Once again, it's a French thing. French movies are famous for showing a lot of intimacy. Even I think that sometimes it gets way too sexual. I like how they portray these scenes in skam fr though. It looks more sensual than sexual. More of a physical connection than raw sex. It remains "pure". Trust me I've seen way worse than that ! It is acceptable to us, but I know you'll never see these kinds of scenes in a kdrama for example. See ? Cultural differences.

I don't like the humour in Skam France

Well everyone has his or her own sense of humour. At least to me, the characters are hilarious and conversations are totally loyal to teenagers' interractions. But it might also be because I understand those jokes more than I would understand British jokes. It's in my culture. Plus as good as translations are, sometimes humour transcends languages so it might be hard for foreigners to understand the whole thing. I sometimes look at translations and it saddens me to know that it can't convey the exact message. Choices of words are so important. I can't imagine how much I'm missing when I'm watching remakes in languages I'm not fluent in. Maybe that's also why I relate less to them.

Skam France is too art-oriented

Well, the editing, the lighting and the camera work are all executed in order to get a beautiful, ethereal, aesthetic result. But that's also a French thing. For the majority of us, we associate art with all these components. If they had filmed it in a more raw manner, the French would have seen Skam France as less "valuable". The show would have had less credibility in the audience's eye. It would look less professional.

Skam France music choices are inappropriate

Well it's a matter of personal tastes. They had a restricted choice of songs to begin with and even though thay could have stuck to less popular but more current songs, they included a lot of classical music and some people didn't like it. But in French cinema, its common to have classical music in dramatic scenes. So it fits perfectly in Skam France in my opinion. And I actually like the fact that they used unpopular musics, so I can associate them with their respective scenes. I guess it involuntarily adds to the artistic feeling of the show.

That's all I can think about for now. I do not claim that my point of view reflects all of the French population's opinion, but I believe it is important to consider cultural backgrounds especially when it comes to judging shows like Skam. Thank you if you read until the end! Feel free to add anything if you see something else !

[artemissarrows]

SOTUS The Series: Patriarchy & Queerness As Redemption

Okay, it’s been a little bit! But I have certainly been consuming a lot of queer content I need to discuss. First up is SOTUS The Series! It’s a Thai boy love (BL) show about an engineeing college that has a super-intense hazing culture. One of the freshman (Kongpob/Kong for short) stands up to the hazers who make them do endless squats and such….and ends up falling in love with the head hazer (Arthrit). It’s a romcom so you probably know where this is going.

I *hope* this goes without saying, but HAZING IS NOT OK and should not be lifted up as a normal part of a university experience. It is abuse, full-stop. One of the yuckiest things about the show for me is how the administration is totally and completely fine with it. People who are invested in the hazing culture (and, frankly, the showrunners) try to make the case that it teaches teamwork and problem-solving and stuff like that. Not really! More importantly, it’s incredibly damaging to participants and there are a lot less harmful ways to teach those lessons, if they’re really so important.

We could just leave it there--on a surface level, it’s honestly pretty enjoyable. The two leads have pretty solid chemistry and are quite believable (at least until the very end, when they’re equally as awkard three years on. But as my partner Mx. Arrows pointed out, they are painfully awkward engineer nerds on top of everything else, so maybe that’s actually realistic. Anyway.) It’s funny. It’s heartwarming. It’s gayyyyy. The supporting friend characters are also kind of fun and I like them.

But there are some other noteworthy things going on here that I’m interested in teasing apart, and which I’m not entirely sure the show intended. Let’s do that! Lots of spoilers after the cut (but again, it’s a romcom, there’s only so many things that can be spoiled). Note that I have only watched Season 1, I know there’s another season.

It’s about the patriarchy.

The more I thought about it, the more it seems reasonable to see the SOTUS (hazing) system as a useful dramatization of the patriarchy. When I say “the patriarchy,” I mean a system of dominance that gives men power over women; SOTUS also privileges older people over younger, straight people over queer people, etc.etc.. Here are some of the ways that we can see this system of dominance playing out in the structure of the hazing system:

The SOTUS system is run by men, exclusively. There are 6 or 7 head hazers, and they are all men

They belittle, berate, and punish their younger charges for doing things like looking the wrong way, singing slightly out of tune, or questioning their authority to mete out dubious punishments for nothing at all

It’s quasi-military, with uniforms for both the hazers and the freshman, and endless drills and the blind loyalty and authority that comes with military order

Women who are not freshman are present in the second tier of hazers, beyond the men. They are ancillary to the men, and their helpers. In particular they are the medics: they ensure that the hazers can assign their punishments etc. while also ensuring that it doesn’t get too out of hand and that no one gets hurt too badly. Without their assistance, the men could not do what they do, and could not enforce this system.

The head hazer, Arthrit, also uses sexism and homophobia as weapons to enforce control and order. Of course, he’s aware that the structure of SOTUS is headed by men. But he also taunts the freshmen in these ways too. At the beginning of the year, the hazers demand that the freshmen fill books with upperclass students’ signatures. In exchange for his signature, Arthrit demands that May, a female student who asks him, give him her number and take her picture. She’s clearly uncomfortable with the interaction; it happens in the lunchroom and she’s one woman who’s the object of the male gaze of 6 or 7 seniors. In that same scene, Arthrit also harasses Kong in a homophobic way. Again to get his siguature, he forces Kong to shout “I like guys!” three times loudly, and then to ask something like 10 male students if they’ll be his boyfriend. (He then doesn’t give his signature.) Mind you, this is something like day 2 or 3 of school in the show.

Arthrit is one repressed dude. More on that later.

It’s Also About Cycles Of Abuse

We’ve established that the SOTUS is all about dominance and control based on gender and other heirarchies--but that’s just the system in one particular point. What happens to this system over time? That’s where we get into cycles of abuse, and how SOTUS harms not just the freshmen who are on the receiving end of the abuse, but also harms the hazers themselves. Let’s look at Arthrit, the head hazer/one-half of the lead couple.

He’s an extremely homophobic and self-hating gay, at least to start with. Per above, he actively promulgates homophobia. He’s also deeply uncomfortable with expressing affection toward men, and Kongpob in partiuclar--though apparently fine with grabbing Kongpob’s shirt when Kongpob stands up to him during a hazing session. When they share their first kiss after Arthrit finally confesses his feelings, Kong tries to hold his arm and hand and he keeps shoving him off. Then they go on another date, where they meet a fellow student at the movies and Arthrit lies and says it’s not a date. (This is not the first not-not date they’ve been on together...this is not at all relatable. Not at all ^_^) Anyway, it takes him and painful time to do that.

He is a seriously repressed and emotionally stunted person, and being the head hazer is a major part of why. As head hazer, he berates the freshman, he enforces order, he snaps at them, he plays games where he makes them humiliate themselves for his attention and benefit. He is comfortable ordering people around. But when it comes to being in touch with his own feelings, he’s hopeless. It takes him forever to realize he has feelings for Kong. He’s deeply confused about it, up to the very second he kisses him. His friend Knott literally has to tell him to talk through difficulties with Kong and not let them stew. He spends most of the show running away from Kong, hiding from Kong, or otherwise finding ways to not open up to him. It would be funny, if it weren’t deeply sad.

Friends, this is classic toxic masculinity. At least his friend Knott has his head on straight and gives some decent advice.

I honestly get the sense that Arthrit is a quiet, introverted, and smart guy, who felt like he was forced by duty to become the head hazer, the one everyone looks up to. Even when he’s with his hazing friends, he seems aloof, apart, and alone. But guess what: he made that choice himself! When he’s sick--because he ran 54 LAPS IN A DAY for a hazing challenge--we see that he’s into comic books, and action figures. We learn that he also gets good grades, so is obviously smart. And even when he talks to his friend--the former head hazer who recruited him--about his feelings for Kong, his friend tells him, “be tough.” (His friend also implies that he hasn’t dated much...no surprise there.) Sigh.

Are we meant to envy Arthrit, feel sorry for him, or both? He’s at the top of the social structure of the school, but he doesn’t seems particularly contented, and in fact seems disconnected. He’s the person who seems to have it all, but has nothing. I’m somewhat curious if others share this reading of him as a discontented bully who longs for human connection.

We can also think about the succession of the head hazers, and how the head hazer before Arthrit chose him, and how Arthrit chose Kong. The one before Arthrit chose him because when he punished Arthrit for speaking out by telling him to greet a banyan tree for three whole hours, Arthrit did it. Then Arthrit chooses Kong because he speaks out and heckles Arthrit. It’s super interesting to me, but I think the thing is to identify people who have strong enough feelings about the system--and care enough--that speak out and therefore demonstrate leadership skills. They then turn those feelings of rebellion back into the system and coopt them. Toward the end of the show Kong starts to feel more invested in the hazing system and I was hoping that he would try to reform it; he doesn’t seem to that much. Kong says that he likes the teamwork and problem-solving aspects of hazing; he could do those things as head hazer and take the abuse out, but he doesn’t. Cooptation.

It’s Also About The Redemptive Power Of Queerness And Queer Love

This says it all.

They’re at a party, and someone asks Arthrit if he and Kong are dating. He says, “so what?” and throws his arm around Kong’s shoulder--and Kong seems pleasantly surprised that he’s able to do this publicly. This is just ugh, so beautiful, and Krist/Arthrit acts it so incredibly well. It’s truly the first time we see Arthrit truly, hugely, bashfully smile, in the whole show. It’s always been a sardonic smile, or a joke at someone else’s expense. But here, he’s just experiencing happiness and joy, even if he’s still quite shy about it and can’t look people in the eye while he hangs his arm over Kong’s shoulder. Queerness as redemption is a trope I wish would become a thing!!

PS, here are some screenshots of Arthrit making fun of Kong’s food habits. Enjoy the fluff <3