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venti3dieci · 4 years ago

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THE DIZI TAG GAME

Rules: Answer the questions and then tag people you want to participate! (Also tag it #The Dizi Tag Game so we can see everyone’s lists)

Tagged by: @missloislane and @aslibekroglu thank you SO SO SO much! I was planning on doing it anyway even if I was never tagged because this seemed so fun so thank you for not letting me jumping off of someone else’s post

1. your first dizi & how you discovered Turkish dramas :

So, this is a long story so TL;DR: Kiralik Ask and facebook groups.

Now, for the long story. It might have been 10 years ago now? probably less? I don’t know, since the end of highschool I have lost consciousness of time and what a year is and when it ends. Anyway, Kiralik Ask was all the rage in Italy and in the facebook groups I was in, people were talking about this and Cherry Season a lot (I’m pretty sure this wasn’t 10 years ago but I’m dramatic) and I became obsessed with all the videos and things and everything (of KA, I didn’t care for Cherry Season) BUT I did not watch it then. Years later, like maybe three years ago? maybe 2? No idea. I discovered Vatanim Sensin thanks to @rescuemeifyoucan and her posts about it and became obsessed with that as well so, like a normal person, I searched for Hileon videos on YouTube and found every single scene they were in (only Hileon scenes) and watched a lot of those videos, probably 3/4 of the first season, stayed up all night (fun fact, I went to sleep at like 8 in the morning and when I woke up a couple hours later I got called and did my stage/started working at the place I’m at) and that was my initiation to Turkish shows but since I did not actually watch it, only precise scenes, that is not technically my first dizi. About 2 weeks of VS and only VS I decided that it was time to watch KA (because I found a playlist of YT of every episode from the beginning with Italian subtitles and others in English subtitles if the Italian ones were missing) so technically this is my first actual turkish dizi watched, since it is the first dizi that I have seen complete episodes of, from the first episode.

2. show(s) you’re currently watching:

Technically none but also technically thousands. So, technically (expect this word to be the most used in this post) I am currently watching Menajerimi Ara (haven’t watched since more than two months ago probably), Alev Alev (last watched I think last month) 50m2 (again, last watched last month), Kiralik Ask (it’s been a few years actually BUT I haven’t given up on it yet and I will continue it... someday), Her Yerde Sen (last watched probably last year? Maybe start of the pandemic, maybe before that), Kuzey Yildiz (last watched I think the end of last year), Halka (I have no idea when I stopped with this honestly), Kara Para Ask (last year? maybe? Before Her Yerde Sen I think), Benim Tatli Yalanim (around the time of HYS), Kimse Bilmez (again, around HYS time). I haven’t seen any of these for some time but they are all shows that I plan to continue sooner or later. It’s all shows I loved but put aside because I found a new obsession but I do get back to them sometimes.

3. your favorite genre of dizi (romcom, mafia show, contemporary drama, historical/fantasy, etc.):

Romcom. I do like some dramas but I tend to hate almost all of the characters except a selected few and I can’t handle all that hate, my liver cannot survive it.

4. the show you rewatch (parts of) the most:

I think KA? or MA? or HYS? They are my favorite shows of the ones I have started. Also Ask 101 (the only Turkish show I have actually completed and only because it’s not 10 thousand episodes long and it’s easily available on Netflix so it’s easy to rewatch again)

5. favorite Turkish actor and actress (feel free to pick multiples):

I have this problem, it’s names, I rarely know the names of actors, if I know them I forget them, I sometimes mistake the character’s name with the actor’s name, sometimes the opposite so let’s try this and see what mess comes out:

Aybuke Pusat, the guy who played Demir on HYS, the two friends of Selin from HYS and the receptionist. Elcin (?) and Baris (?) from KA, Burcu (?), Alina, Kubilay, and the other kids from Ask 101, Dicle and Baris and Julide from MA, Hilal and Leon from VS, Cicek di Alev Alev, Cagatay Ulusoy (I remember his name! my beloved CaCa), The female protagonist of KPA (she was also in the first episode of MA which is the reason why I started that show), Hande Ercel, Kerem Bursin, Elcin (?), Melisa, the one who played the third main friend, the red headed girl, all from SCK, Ismail (?) and the actress of Yildiz from Kuzey Yildiz, also the three girls from there. Most of the cast of Hercai, although I hate more than half of the characters.

I feel so bad that I don’t remember their name. I swear I love them!

6. a show you quit before finishing:

A few. First and foremost Sefirin Kizi (couldn’t get past episode 1). Erkenci Kus (hated the direction it was going, which was in circles), Ask Laftan Anlamaz (hated hated hated the lie that guy protagonist said. Wanted to watch after but I can’t do that to myself). Sad to say but also Sen Cal Kapimi. I loved it SO MUCH and then first he does that stupid break up thing that I hate (because it similarly happened in ALS and that is the whole reason why I never finished that show so already not a good start), then it seems to be picking up and we got the amnesia thing so yeah, nope, not doing it. Afili Ask (I liked it but not enough to continue and I have to give up on a few shows). Also probably Hercai since I enjoy how it ended in season one and never felt the urge to continue.

Technically most of the answers from the 2 question apply here as well but I do intend on continuing those, these ones, however, I will not continue.

7. favorite song(s) you’ve discovered in dizi’s:

Birakman Dogru Mu 2 by Zeynep Bastik and Anil Piyanci, heard on Menajerimi Ara and the song that started my love for pop songs made in Turkey

8. the show whose plot disappointed you the most:

Sen Cal Kapimi and Ask Laftan Anlamaz are the ones that first come to mind. And Erkenci Kus. God, Erkenci Kus disappointed me SO MUCH.

9. a show that was cancelled too soon / ran too long:

Ran too long: definitely EK. And SCK (sorry not sorry, it should have ended right before the amnesia).

Cancelled too soon: I don’t usually watch shows that get cancelled soon (in the sense that I usually wait a bit before watching a show because I wouldn’t want for it to be cancelled while I am passionate about it) and technically I do not yet know if they were cancelled too soon, but I would say HYS and Benim Tatli Yalanim because I was loving them and I have less than 10-15 episodes left to watch

10. favorite character(s):

The children in every drama are my favorite so Gul (Hercai), the children in Alev Alev, the child in Sefirin Kizi (the only character to save themselves in that show except for Gediz), the girl from BTY, Bulut (?) from Dolunay. Also CeyCey (EK), Baris and Dicle from MA, basically the entire cast of SCK (I might hate the direction where this is going but I do love the characters), the main characters from ALA (except for the main male protagonist, he can choke), the main characters from Atesbocegi, Suna from BTY, Reyyan (Hercai), a lot of others, I just don’t remember the names.

11. your favorite romantic pairing(s):

ReyMir (Hercai), LeyEm (Erkenci Kuş), Edser (Sen Çal Kapımı), Defom (Kiralık Aşk), SelDem (HYS), Suna x Nejat (BTY), DicBar (MA), Bahar x Kaan (Halka), Ibo x Ayda (?) (HYS), YilKuz (Kuzey Yildiz), probably others.

12. favorite side character(s):

Cey Cey (Erkenci Kuş), Julide (MA) (I know people hate her but to the moment I’m at, I still love her), Ayda (?) (HYS), Burcu (BTY), again, others but I don’t remember the names.

13. best kiss:

I love the fire side (?) kiss between Selin and Demir from HYS as well as their kiss when she thinks that he stood her up when in fact he didn’t even know that he was supposed to go on a date with her and so she gets pissed off (rightfully so) and he chases after her and OMG I love them! Also the first and second kiss between Nejat and Suna. These last three I have made gifs of, and they were my first gifs, unedited, kinda ugly, but I love them (not saying that I make good gifs now because I do not, they are still ugly and unedited but not my firsts anymore).

14. an underrated show more people should watch:

Her Yerde Sen. And Benim Tatli Yalanim. And Menajerimi Ara (although more people were getting into it). And Alev Alev.

15. a show everyone loves that you aren’t interested in:

The one with Demet Ozdemir (BOK I believe is the tag). Never was interested in it but based on gifs alone, I think they had the character who is either played by an actor whose name is Ismail or the character is called Ismail make a 180 from season 1 to season 2 and I hate it when they do this kind of things in books and series (I might be wrong though) so now I have even less interest in it. Also Son Yaz. The gifs, I love them, but I don’t want to actively watch the show. I’ll enjoy it from gifs and posts about it.

16. a show you want to recommend right now:

Menajerimi Ara, Kara Para Ask, Her Yerde Sen, Alev Alev, Benim Tatly Yalanim.

17. the next show on your list:

none, to be honest. I mean, I already have a LOOOONG list of shows to finish so it’s better that way.

tagging: @rescuemeifyoucan and, for people who heve not been tagged yet, take this as the sign that I am tagging you.

#the dizi tag game #tag #this is probably way longer than it should have been #also my inability to remember names is really bad!#also definitely not 10 years ago my first knowledge of dizis #since KA started airing in 2015 #my ability to understan the passage of time is as bad as my ability to remember names

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gayregis · 5 years ago

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I've listened to the part where Geralt talks with a very ill Cahir about Ciri and vengeance... it was one of the most emotional parts of the book by itself but also thanks to your take about the lost innocence of Ciri ! I felt it thrice hard in the feelings! Also, do you have thoughts on the declared love of Cahir for Ciri? Personally I see it as disturbingly romantic, let's say. Thank you for your commitment to the books and sorry to bother you

omg thank you for the ask. first of all i have to say you’re not bothering me!! tbh i have been loving getting asks because it gives me an opportunity to like bring more discussion to the witcher community...

i feel like although reblogging pretty gifs of characters/landscapes from tw3 and any good fanart i can find is nice, my FAVORITE thing to do is write or read a really long textpost about the witcher books, i really like the discussion aspect of fandoms where people post their reactions and opinions to the content they like, because you get a bunch of shared reactions and differing opinions.

so no this is NOT a bother at all, and its nice especially to get asks about topics that i have strong feelings about but have not made posts about yet, like this one

ok, as for the actual topic: i hate forced heterosexuality, so you KNOW i hate that canon cahiri! it was out of line from sapkowski and imo, it came out of absolutely nowhere in tower of the swallow, it wasn’t something built up to or foreshadowed at all, so it felt not only weird in context but weird for sapkowski as an author.

my main problem with canon cahiri: i think it’s super creepy!

first of all, let’s discuss the age difference. cahir in baptism of fire is estimated to be “not over 25,” which i see as putting him around 20 to 25 years old, and i usually take the median of this which is around 23. while this “not over 25″ comment is said in the context of the hansa to remark upon how young cahir is (i believe it’s thought of by either geralt or dandelion, and geralt is around 60 years old and as a witcher he looks 45, and dandelion is 38 in tower of the swallow), and how cahir is described as a young man in time of contempt to illustrate that he has a sense of innocence to him as ciri cuts him down, his age gap with ciri is super innappropriate for anything to occur between them, since she is 10 or 11 during the massacre of cintra (as stated by geralt in something more), so she would be around 14 at thanedd, and 15-16 during baptism of fire to lady of the lake. so sapkowski deemed it fit to pair a 23 year old man with a 16 year old girl. this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this, what with essi being “not over 18″ and shani also bein around 18 / college age, and yennefer canonically looking around 20. listen, the man has some messed up values when it comes to women’s ages. we have to take it upon ourselves as people who like the not-weird parts of canon to understand how worldviews and personal biases affect one’s writing, and change it for ourselves to make it right so we can continue interacting with it, if we so choose (tldr: retcon some shit when it’s fucked up in canon).

now, before someone argues that “it’s fantasy medieval world, medieval relationships between men and women were just like that,” believe me, i am aware. i study ancient greece/rome and men who were in their 30s were most often paired with women in their teens as part of their arranged marriages. that is how their ancient societies functioned more than 2000 years ago. the issue is that this is a fantasy world, in which societal norms and laws do not have to conform to real-life earth history, and this is the work of a modern writer writing in the 1990s. it’s not “just how the times were,” it’s deliberately choosing to include an age gap like that to be something canonically acceptable by their society/ies.

also, one could argue that the age gap would be fine once they are older, like, when ciri becomes an adult she is already medievally-style betrothed to cahir so they start dating when she’s like 20 and he’s like 27. eh... that’s still an uncomfortable age gap, at least for when they’re in their 20s. people in their older 20s have more life experience than people in their younger 20s. but at least it wouldn’t land cahir in modern-day jail.

it’s still just an uncomfortably large age gap, and if you think about it, it’s even creepier considering that cahir met ciri when she was a helpless child around 10 - 11 and it just makes the bathing scene excruciatingly creepy too if you put it in the context that he eventually would fall in love with her. it even begins to not be about strictly age, but about life experience, development, and power imbalance within the relationship. i mean, he did literally kidnap her.

cahir in tos calls ciri a “woman” when she is like, 15 or 16 (with the rose tattoo) (to anyone reading, please don’t come at me with that “the age of consent is 15 in poland, just because it’s 18 in the US doesn’t mean your laws and culture apply to everyone” ... please do not try and justify this with laws, legality is not morality. only saying this because i’ve seen it in other posts). like.... hm! don’t like that! she is a teenager... he is in his 20s... this should not be occuring.

sorry for the loooong explanation, but every time someone brings up the subject of age gaps on tumblr it turns into crazy discourse with everyone trying to justify it.

but yeah, CANONICALLY cahir would have been 16-21 (median 18) when he met ciri at 10-11, and 20-25 (median 23) when he declares his love for her at 15-16. that’s ... not good ... to put it more into perspective, these are their ages on a traditional school system path: a 18 year old is a high school senior, an 11 year old is a 6th grader. a 23 year old has been out of college for 2 years, a 16 year old is a high school sophomore. ITS NOT GOOD

my other problem with canon cahiri: it’s boring and contradicts sapkowski at his own game.

all of the witcher is about taking fantasy tropes and inverting them, like you can’t have some random peasant kill a dragon, you’d need a professional, and also guess what, the dragon isn’t evil but a dad trying to protect his wife and child.

all of the characters in the hansa (as well as the four main characters of geralt, yennefer, ciri, and dandelion) are inversions of the tropes they represent. for some examples, milva’s trope is something like the hot action girl who only exists to be the only girl in the company and to be sexy eye candy. instead of falling into this, she is actually an action girl, not bothering with sexiness and appeal to the gaze of a male audience but a “get shit done” type, who also dresses and acts “like a man.” regis’ trope is all vampire tropes ever. he/vampires in the witcher doesn’t/don’t fall into any of the traditional european vampire myths like burning in sunlight, needing to drink blood to stay alive, being disdainful of humanity, having aversions to garlic, belonging to a super-secret orderful society that lurks in the shadows and controls everything like puppetmasters, etc... instead, he is the epitome of redemption arcs and overall “goody-goodiness,” understands humanity perfectly and does things out of his good nature. i already talk about regis too much, so i’ll quit it.

cahir is an inversion of every knight trope ever, particularly the evil knight. he scars ciri’s memory as a night terror, but actually is not ... a bad person. he’s just some guy, pressured by his family and his society to do what he saw as an assignment like a college kid might see their final essay assignment posted on canvas. except you know. the final exam was to kidnap a girl. and he got an F on that and failed the course (ie got thrown in prison). ANYWAYS, cahir is meant to be this inversion of the knight tropes, so WHY, WHY, WHY make him become the knight trope of being the one to romance and to save a hapless princess? if we’ve learned anything about ciri, it’s that she’s the inversion of the princess trope! she KILLS PEOPLE. she ALMOST KILLED CAHIR. she can defend herself and kill for herself, she doesn’t need the knight trope going to protect her!

heterosexual romance as the Big Reason and Motivation behind all of a character’s actions is tiring, annoying, boring, and not well-thought out. it’s so base and not unique, it doesn’t fit in with everything else about the witcher.

how i would fix it: not make them fall in love.

cahir already HAS a motivation to find ciri and to help her. he needs to APOLOGIZE. he needs to say, hey, i’m sorry i kidnapped you and ruined your life, i made peace with your dad, he doesn’t wanna kill me anymore, i can only hope that you can forgive me too after i SET THINGS RIGHT.

as opposed to regis’s arc (i swear i am not playing favorites with regis, i just tend to compare and contrast regis and cahir’s redemptions because they are quite different yet they join the hansa side by side so they’re bound to be compared), cahir actually can find the one (not many) people he wronged, and set things right on his own accord, not go forth with a larger mission to assist all humanity, or whatever.

i think cahir also had this WONDERFULLY UNDERUTILIZED anti-imperialist message as part of his character that pains me to see being swept under the rug for some cheap lame romance story. sapkowski already created some anti-war sentiments with the battle of the bridge in baptism of fire, and he tried to create anti-racism sentiments throughout the book/at the end of lady of the lake. anti-imperialism fits with the rest of the saga as a message.

the fact that cahir was instructed by his family to hate the northern kingdoms, despite the fact that they were related to northerners, is really profound as something to happen to a character, and holds a lot of meaning in today’s society. the fact that he broke, finally, after he lost ciri, just completely lost his mind and had to be restrained because he was wailing so hard, because of the pressure that this society put him under to succeed and achieve pride for his family, is such a great example of the tragedies of society. then he speaks out against his leader and is jailed... and yet, after this, he gets to learn from his mistakes and redeem himself as a good person, and his character has developed SO much. he is not doing what his country wants him to do, he is not doing what his family wants him to do. he is doing what he wants to do because it is the RIGHT thing to do. that already is such a powerful message, he doesn’t need anymore character motivation!

so yep that’s my thoughts on why cahir is a good character asides from all that forced romance biz

#ask #cahir #ciri #master-dellamorte

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onlyhereforangst · 5 years ago

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WWR

Let’s say I waited to get this out because of the hiatus, you know- stretching it, it’s definitely not because I’ve had zero time (& recently been obsessed with gif-making instead).

To start, them chatting about their woes is cute team stuff that I’ve been missing with the drama of that little hit&run the other day. Eeeeeeven if they didn’t give Jimmy the hug I wanted them too- it was fitting for the recent moods & them in general, frankly. And we’ve gotten back to a little friendly banter as well which makes my heart full 🥰 (buuuut a new side of Nick banter...keep reading ➡️). So Ellie shocked & then pushing Nick to go see the Navy museum and him just casually agreeing instead of poking fun or adamantly saying no (like he would’ve a few seasons ago) AND while he joked about the car being cheaper than his rent (cue the histerics at his “too soon?” ya little shit) but when Ellie tells him to stop teasing McGee- he immediately listens to his wife & stops???.......you know what we call that @indestinatus?.....GROWTH.

Then of course we get the sweetest moment of Nick telling Ellie to read aloud this romantic letter to “escape” because you know- doctors orders- not at all someone wanted to dream romantic thoughts about his partner, no not at all 👀👀 BUT THEN. Nick coming all the way across the garage just to be next to Ellie when she read that letter like he’s physically drawn to her *swoon* & then his face, he’s so enthralled by the story with a soft smile on his face—imagining two people falling in love it’s SO CUTE. NICHOLAS TORRES BELIEVES IN LOVE- IM NOT SOBBING YOU ARE. And not only love, but love at first sight. Because “Art got game” as he gives a side eye smirk to Ellie knowing he’s projecting himself on Art and saying that *he’s* got game in his classic slightly macho manner. But then realizing that two people can love each other so deeply even so quickly but still not end up together??? The sadness that laces his voice is palpable- he fears it could happen to him & Ellie but never before this moment had he realized that it could be an option. Yes he’s seen Ziva & Tony go through a lot of hardship, but remember that opening scene? Yeah the one we got confirmation that they’re back together as a happy family? Yeah, that one. The one where love still wins. But this is different.

Love didn’t win.

Love didn’t win until almost 30 years later when Art felt it necessary to take his own life. Love didn’t end up together until death, but that was unfathomable to Nick until this very moment.

Two people in love may not end up together. Game- fucking- changer, Nick Torres.

Moving right along to the heart of the matter for Nick...the scene with Art and Carter breaks my heart - and is such a transcendent metaphor for Nick. He’s just an “every day quarter and a tarnished one at that” in Carter’s words & his mind. That’s exactly how he views himself, not deserving of someone as special and unique and exquisite as Ellie. Likely the reason he still hasn’t decided to stop being a wuss. And that letter put all those worries into words for Nick even if it wasn’t about himself, hence his exaggerated reaction to it. It’s his biggest struggle with voicing his feelings. Ellie deserves a million dollar coin- not a sad, old tarnished one.

But that just fuels him to solve this case more- for the notion of true love exists. Because it’s Nick’s handwriting and heart on their case board - i don’t care what @thekeyboardninja’s handwriting analysis says 🙉 Theeeeeen, Ducky calling them out and Nick’s classic whAAAAAt is gold along with Ellie’s logical brain deflecting but then both being like OMGHEGOTARING...too freaking cute 😩🥰🥰 Y’all can’t tell me you weren’t invested, I see right through you. Nick wants this (and Ellie too) to have a happy ending because it means that he can have a happy ending.

Flash forward to the next day & Ellie says “when Nick and I left last night” my mind: ok y’all carpooling or living together or married or what now 👀 but them getting defensive over the team’s accusations of Art being guilty is so cute, they’re so wary of McGee thinking bad of “them” (even if it’s not them them, it’s Art & Annie- can’t keep it straight guys? 🤔🤭) And Nick saying Art gave his life to the Navy and that he wouldn’t mess that up is so much growth from his outburst when he first started of having no family, no wife, no kids- for what. Bro has come a loooong way to say things like that now, maybe a certain team or blonde agent changed his mind 😯😯😯

Nick looking so grim when he realized Art and Annie would’ve gotten together if she hadn’t been killed - boy you thinking oh shit Ellie could die and I might not get to be with her??? I see you looking at her, I see it. I refer back to my earlier words:

Two people in love may not end up together. Game- fucking- changer, Nick Torres.

Finally, the last scene together in Jack’s office...Ok Nick moves over for Ellie on the couch (it’s off screen and probably just differences in scene shooting but WHATEVER) because he’s a gentleman and so aware of her presence and space even in a crowded room (⬅️ hint for one of my next gifsets). And then they’re so close on that couch their knees and shoulders are practically touching 😭 can y’all not keep me swooning??

Once again missing ending scene but it is what it is (aka fanfic thank you very much) 😬😘

Side notes: I love the Ellie & Kasie dynamic, #girlpowerallday. Kasie is a flipping GENIUS. And also McGee’s “good idea boss” after scolding Jimmy had me cackling weeks later.

#WWR #ncis #ellick #torres x bishop #17x16 #it took me forever don’t hate me

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ofheroesandvillains · 6 years ago

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Changing Gears 2 - Tony Stark

Tony Stark/Fem!reader Words: 3.8k Warnings: None really, mentions of “The Cave”. Summary: I said one for each movie and I lied. Don’t trust me…ever. Here’s another for Ironman 1! It’s kind of all over the place. Let me know if it’s trash, it’s been a loooong time.

(not my gif!)

Fear.

Fear wasn’t foreign to you. Your earliest encounter with it came at age 4. Now remember, you stay where I can see you, your father had said, and under no circumstances are you to go in the water without letting an adult know. He’d given you a stern look, one that seemed more at home on Howard’s face than his own. Understood? He’d asked, and you’d nodded.

But things never really go the way they’re supposed to. One minute you’re on the shoreline, digging a little pool into the wet sand, the next, the water is sweeping you away into its cold embrace and you’re left bobbing between the waves. The floaties kept you up, sure, but with each passing second the tide had carried you further and further from the shore, and your desperate cries for your father went unheard.

Or at least you thought they had.

“Hey, it’s alright, I got you. Just- just hold onto me, okay?”

He had no idea how to comfort a wailing child, but even at age 12, Tony Stark did the best he could. What seemed like miles to you (and was more likely a few feet), was quickly wadded through by the boy you’d only met once before.

He didn’t tell your father. It was a lesson learned and you were just a kid, he’d be damned if anyone punished you for their own neglect. You looked terrified and clung to him like a koala, he hadn’t left your side for the rest of the day. That was the day you became his friend. That was the day he became your hero.

---------

That seemed so silly now…drowning. How could the fear of drowning possibly compare to this?

If you took every fear you’d ever felt, stacked them on top of each other and played them in a never-ending loop in your mind for the rest of your life, it’d be a welcome change to the absolute terror that had seized your heart the moment you’d been notified of Tony’s disappearance.

Naturally, the media had lost its mind as soon as a statement was released. Posters, social media, tabloids, the news; everyone was talking about Tony Stark - the billionaire, the genius, the national icon, in the hands of ‘the enemy’. Activists were saying ‘good riddance’, and weeping fans littered the daily news channels, mourning a man they’d never known…a man who you couldn’t -wouldn’t- believe was really gone.

He’s Tony Stark, you’d remind yourself, there’s nothing he can’t do.

Realistically, you knew that the chances of his survival were slim. Your overactive mind had already tried to calculate the odds before you forced it to focus elsewhere. There was still a company to run, reporters to avoid, a billionaire to find.

Pepper took care of the first two for you, but only you could help with the last. She’d been great, Pepper. A godsend. There were hardly any fumes left for you to run on. Sweeping the planet for any sign of Tony was draining; mentally and emotionally. If Pepper hadn’t been there to all but spoon-feed you and tuck you into bed, you likely would have ended up in the ER weeks ago. I’m turning into Tony, you’d wryly thought. But the thought itself just made you miss the man even more.

If anyone had it worse than you, it was probably Rhodey. He’d been more distraught than you’d ever seen him, and after all he’d experienced in his life and his career, that was certainly saying something. But it gave you someone who understood, someone who’d work long into the night with you to try and find a man you both refused to live without.

---------

“Why do you always make this so hard?”

Glassy eyes, pursed lips, drooping shoulders. You looked broken.

Maybe if he hadn’t been so drunk that night he would have understood what you meant. The alcohol never bothered you, not really. You’d scold him for it, take him home, tuck him in, leave Advil and a glass of water on his bedside table, and then repeat it all the next weekend. He’d take advantage of your kindness, because that’s what he did. He hurt the people closest to him.

He loved them, he’d do anything for them…but sometimes his self-depreciation outweighed that love. His whole life had been built on money and fame. He was used to getting what he wanted and the moment something threatened the status quo, he lashed out.

Years later, he would look back and barely remember that night. You hadn’t spoken to him for days afterward and that was the only reason he even cared to remember it at all. There were snippets of memories in his head; a man - a good-looking one, standing a little too close to you at an event, an irrational anger, an argument, and a bruised jaw the morning after.

He’d made excuses and begged for forgiveness, how could he not? Deep down Tony knew what emotion had fuelled him that night, and it was one he’d never expected to feel when he looked at you with someone else. It didn’t change anything, he told himself. In fact, he was hellbent on ensuring it didn’t. You’d told him to stop bringing his flings home, and he’d tried, he really had. But if he didn’t have them then he’d think of you, and he couldn’t ruin you like that.

So, he ignored your warnings and descended even further into his playboy lifestyle. The less he saw you, the more distant you became, and while it tore at him day in and day out, it was for the best. You’d both drifted from each other, but alcohol was the band-aid he slapped on that particular bullet wound.

You were the straight-laced, responsible one. You worked hard and saved face in the media when he inevitably screwed up. You looked after him even if it made your life harder.

Tony was a lot like you in the early days. He wanted to make his parents proud, but that all changed when he realised that no matter how hard he tried, it would never be enough for his father.

Somewhere along the road you’d both diverged from each other. A fork in the road that led you closer to heaven and him closer to hell.

But after that night, Tony had realised that this was more a crossroad than anything else. You were too good for him, he’d never hurt you by pursing a relationship. He didn’t do relationships. But god, did he hate the thought of you with anyone else.

He’d be okay with not having you, as long as nobody else could have you either.

“What the hell is your problem? What did you say to him?”

“I dunno what you mean…we were all ou’ here havin’ a good time, weren’t we girls?”

His entourage chirped like silicone baby birds, desperate for their mama’s attention. Your jaw clenched so hard at the smug grin Tony shot your way, that you almost chipped a tooth.

Ten minutes ago you’d been so close, so close, to finally taking that first step out of the hold he had on you and agreeing to a date. He was a nice boy, a handsome boy, one your mother would have gushed over. But like a vulture circling its next meal, Tony somehow knew just where to find you. His hold was iron. Sometimes you thought that his heart was too, because no matter how much it hurt, he’d never release you.

“Oh come on, sweetheart…” Tony tried rolling his eyes but his entire head followed. “What, you think you were gonna live happily ever after with the baby-faced real estate agent? Really?” He scoffed. “You could do better.”

“Sometimes you can’t help who you love, Tony.” You’d snapped. You’d said too much, but he wouldn’t remember it anyway.

Tony barked a laugh, and his baby birds followed.

“Love? Who’s talkin’ about love? There’s no love here, no ma’am!”

They all laughed again.

Your shoulders dropped, your lips pursed, and you felt the familiar sting at your eyes. You felt broken.

“Why do you always make this so hard?”

--------- Time was a funny thing. All of those nights he’d spent drinking and partying and hunting his next bedmate seemed to flash by in the blink of an eye. But here, in the dark, in the cold, in the wet, he could have sworn that it had been years since he’d arrived.

He’d wasted so much time.

The pain in his chest hadn’t eased up, he didn’t know if it ever would. The Doc had done an incredible job considering the circumstances, and Tony struggled to think of a single one of his own employees who would have had the brains and balls to do what Yinsen did (mainly because he didn’t deal with his employees, but the sentiment was the same). Yinsen had saved his life, and if all it cost him was a bit of pain, then that was a pretty great deal.

The only problem was, that this place was hardly a place he wanted to spend the rest of his life in - however short that may be. The trauma was there, physical and mental, but he’d wrapped it up in chains and thrown it into the deepest pits of his mind. He didn’t have time to fall apart, not when they had a plan.

“I have this friend…”

It was dark, but Tony could still see Yinsen’s head turn in his direction. So far when they settled in for some sleep - if either of them could even manage to muster a few hours - it was Yinsen who had done most of the talking. He spoke of his wife, his children, his home…better days. If anything went wrong the following day, then it was likely that one or both of them would be killed. If ever there were a time to remember what was waiting for him at home, it was now.

“Oh?”

“Yeah…she’s, well, the only real family I have left now that I think about it.”

Yinsen was silent for a beat.

“Do you love her?”

Tony huffed a derisive laugh.

“No. No, it’s not- not like that.” He shook his head, even if Yinsen could barely see it. “She’s different, y’know? Better than this, than- than me.”

Glassy eyes, pursed lips, drooping shoulders. You looked broken.

It was silent again.

“I’ve known her my whole life. She uh, man…”

Yinsen smiled softly. There was a genuine smile in the billionaire’s words.

“She’d know exactly what to do. She’s smart, focused. Probably searching the whole damn planet for us.”

You. Yinsen didn’t bother correcting him.

“She sounds special.”

“She is…I still hear her sometimes. That little voice inside my head, you know the one?”

Yinsen nodded, his eyes slipping shut as he pictured his family.

“I do. I call it hope.”

Tony heaved a shaky breath. “Yeah…hope.”

He smiled. If he closed his eyes he could see the pleased look his words would give rise to.

“She’d get us both out of here with a paper clip and a double A battery.”

Yinsen chuckled.

“I’m sure you’d do the same for her.”

Anything. I’d do anything…

Yinsen hummed thoughtfully, and Tony had to wonder if he’d said that aloud.

“Do you love her?”

Another silence stretched between them as Tony looked over to their workspace. If he squinted he could make out the shape of their creation. The suit of armour that would take them to safety, to freedom…home. Or, maybe it wouldn't.

“Yeah.” He inhaled sharply. “Yeah, I do.”

--------

Tony had taught you many things in life, but this was one of the most important lessons.

You remembered your first day at high school. A child genius, they called you.

A prodigy, that kid’s goin’ places, I’m tellin’ ya!

They were right and you were young, but they also seemed to think that despite the label, your age must have brought with it a certain degree of naivety. The only way they could outdo you was with experience, and they used that to their advantage.

“Watcha doin’?”

“Homework,” you’d answered, tiny hands moving a mile a minute to finish up before dinner.

Tony had frowned then, not that you could see it. You didn’t see him all that often, and when you did, he could barely go to the bathroom without you trailing after him. This was…new.

Even more unusual were the papers strewn all over the desk beside you. Louisa, Thomas, Jake, Allison…Homework, huh? Tony’d thought dryly.

“Woah, slow down there, Speedy Gonzales,” He’d plucked the pencil out of your hand, and couldn’t suppress a smile at the wide-eyed look you’d given him.

“Tony!” You’d shouted, launching yourself at him.

He’d laughed; you hadn’t known it at the time but that was a rarity in those days. You wouldn’t understand it until you were much older, the way he changed around you, even then. The way he hid his sadness, his anger, his bitterness, from you. His childhood may have been miserable, but he’d never allow himself to be the reason yours suffered too.

He would never let anyone hurt you. Except himself, you’d both go on to realise.

“What’s all this?” he’d asked, finally prying your little arms from around his neck.

“The kids at school said that the only reason I was moved up was because my daddy paid for it. They said if I was really that smart, then I’d be able to write their essays and get A’s for all of them.”

You’d looked down at your feet. Why did it suddenly feel wrong? Why did Tony’s smile suddenly look so forced and bitter. He’d scrubbed his expression clean before he looked back at you.

“Did you doubt you could do it?”

“No, I knew I could!” You’d defended.

“Right…so why prove something you already know is true?”

His eyes had softened when he noticed your sad little pout. Decades later it still had the same effect on him. That damned look, I swear it’ll be the death of me one day.

“Hey, look…I get it. I really do,” He’d squeezed your shoulder. “It’s hard, and big kids are assh- ehem, they’re meanies,” his lips had twitched upward, “but you don’t have to prove a damn thing to them, okay? The only person I want you to worry about impressing in this world is you. Can you do that for me?”

You’d nodded.

“Promise?”

“Yes, Tony.”

He’d cocked a brow.

“What, you think I’m going to take your word for it?”

Your fist had shot up immediately, pinky finger at the ready.

“That’s right,” he’d nodded. “You break this very official agreement and that’s it, it’s all over for us.”

---------

So, when he decided to put an end to the weapons manufacturing sector of Stark Industries, you gave him your full support. It was his choice and the world would have to deal with it. Tony had been different since his return. There was a certain blankness that would settle in his eyes sometimes and he seemed more aware of the world around him. He didn’t talk about what happened to him, and you wouldn’t force him to, but the effect it had was evident.

When he’d landed on that tarmac, looking worse than you’d ever seen him, you’d told yourself that it was okay. That he was safe. He was alive. It was more than you could have ever hoped for. Then you’d proceeded to burst into tears, and clung to him the entire way to McDonald’s, like you had that day at the beach so long ago. A press conference was called and he’d left you in the car with a wink that was entirely too confident for a man who’d been through hell.

I promised you a souvenir…

The stoppered tube he’d given you almost sent you into another bout of hysterics. But you were quick to get it together when you’d heard his announcement. You spent the next few days turning off the news whenever he entered the room, but despite your efforts he knew all about the world’s criticism.

“You okay?”

You lingered in the doorway of his bedroom. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, elbows on his knees and head hanging between them. He straightened at the sound of your voice, but the charade was already broken.

“Peachy,” he didn’t even bother forcing a smile. You made your way over to sit beside him.

“You ever just…? I mean, am I doing the right thing here? I gotta be, right?”

He looked at you with wide-eyes. They’d take in every inch of you for signs of a lie, or eagerly lap up your reassurances. You’d seen those eyes before; eyes desperate for direction, for a guidance he usually didn’t need. He was Tony Stark and he paved his own way in life…but the world was so far behind him these days, that he sometimes needed the only thing tethering him to it - and that was you. It always had been, and it always would be.

“You are.”

He’d released a sharp breath, relieved, but irritated. He’d been watching the news again.

“Then- Then why are people treating this like some kind of PTSD-induced phase that I’m supposed to snap out of?”

Did you see that? Those are your weapons…

“People are dying-”

In the hands of those murderers…

“-I know-“

Is this what you want?

“-my weapons are killing them-“

Is this what you wish the legacy of the great Tony Stark to be?

“-I know-“

“Do you?!” He snapped. “‘Cause I had no idea!”

His chest was heaving, anger simmering beneath the surface. You’d let him have this, this moment to just yell and vent and get it all out without having to worry about who would see or who he’d hurt with his words. He’d never hurt you, not really.

Slowly, the stern lines of his face evened out, his shoulders slumped, and that familiar look of regret bled into his eyes.

“I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry...I just…” he drew in a sharp breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I need to know that I’m doing the right thing, no matter the cost.”

“You know why they want you to doubt your decisions? Why they want you to ‘snap out of it’?” you asked.

“It’s not because you’re wrong, but because admitting that you’re right doesn’t work in their favour.” You grasped his hand. “People will never value life as long as they continue to profit from death, Tony.”

“It’s not their names stamped on the shell…” his jaw clenched.

“I know, hon.” You offered a sympathetic smile. “But you’ve taken the first step in a direction even Howard wasn’t brave enough to take. So, we’re going to do what we always do. We’re going to fix this, okay?”

His dark, glassy eyes met your own and you smiled softly at the first trace of a small spark in them.

“Huh…”

You forced a shaky laugh, almost squirming at the foreign look in his eyes.

“What?”

He just smiled and shook his head. “Nothing. Just…I missed you, y’know?”

“Right back atcha,” you huffed a more genuine laugh this time. “I mean it, Tony. I’ve never been more proud of you in my life.”

You pulled him into a tight hug, and by the time you’d pulled away and risen to your feet, a pained look had clouded his features.

“Tony?” You couldn’t help but worry.

“I’m fine,” he smiled. It was entirely fake.

“Do, uh…do you mind just…” He glanced down at the floor as if ashamed to ask, waved his hand to the other side of his bed, and looked back up at you through his lashes. “Stay with me?”

The question caught you off-guard, but you couldn’t blame him for asking. When was the last time he’d gotten a good night’s sleep? Probably the night of the Apogee Awards, and that seemed so very, very long ago. You gave him a reassuring smile.

“Of course.”

He’d settled into bed like a skittish animal, eyes darting to his bedroom door and to the wide expanse of tinted windows that lined his wall. The cave had been claustrophobic, but all he saw now were too many points of entry. He’d have to fix that.

Your head settled on his shoulder, and all -most- thoughts of kidnapping were tucked away for later.

“Y’know…Pep told me you barely slept while I was gone.”

“Snitch,” you mumbled, and he chuckled. “Yeah, I was a little stressed. Didn’t take care of myself as much as I probably should have.”

“I’m sorry…”

You squeezed his side, a silent reprimand.

“Don’t. You’re the last person who should be apologising. You have no idea how relieved I am, Tony.”

He was quiet for a beat. Usually he’d fire back a quip to lighten the mood, but not this time it seemed.

“I’m happy to be home.”

And he was, he just couldn’t quite voice that it wasn’t the safe and warm mansion that he’d considered home while he was in that cave. There were arms he wanted wrapped around him. There were eyes he imagined shining up at him. There was a smile he wanted to trace with his lips. There was a woman, right there at the forefront of his mind, begging him to come home…and he never could deny her.

It was jarring. He was supposed to be smart. He was supposed to be smarter than smart, and it had taken a kidnapping, a haphazard surgery in a dank cave, losing a man -a friend- worth more than any of the snobs he’d met Stateside, a fire-fight with terrorists, and a crash-landing in the middle of the desert, to open his eyes to the world around him.

Don’t waste it…don’t waste your life…

They could take his money, and his fame, and his company, and even his brain. He’d still have all he ever needed. Yinsen had lost that, it was why he urged him not to do the same.

But no, he couldn’t say that. Not to her, not yet. So he did what he always did.

“Pep also said that you slept in here most nights.”

You hummed absentmindedly.

“Kinda hoping you never outgrew that habit of sleeping in your underwear…”

Your brows furrowed, eyes snapping open to spy a grin out of the corner of your eye.

You slapped his chest lightly, mindful of the new addition.

“You’d only be so lucky, pal.”

Feeling his chest shake in silent laughter brought a smile on your face, and though you thought you heard his response, you were too far gone to care about it in the moment.

“Don’t I know it…”

#tony stark #tony stark x reader #marvel #marvel fanfiction #Iron Man #iron man x reader #ironman #tony stark imagine #changing gears

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yoon-kooks · 5 years ago

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scriptaed replied to your post: Witch Hazel- Pt.5

Biiiiiiiiih if she tells him!!!! Ugh I want her to tell him or him to tell her about witch hazel but I also like the idea of him falling for her as her and not snow you know?? I’m sure whatever you decide will be the right choice though. This chapter is SOO CUTE I like your fluff 😭😭 I thought they were gonna kiss ngl would’ve been cute af but lowkey maybe out of character for jungkook;;; btw is his hair supposed to be as long as how he has it now or like just a tad longer like how he had it back

Then?? just curious LOL anywho I stay waiting and excited for the next part!!!

oho believe me, there are so many times as im writing witch hazel where i just want them to focking kiss already!!!! but youre right! in terms of their characters, especially jungkook’s, it would be a little too soon for them to do... certain things...👁👁 so instead of kissing, i just threw in as much fluff as possible into that whole part at jungkook’s apartment,,,, but um,,,, now the stage is set for.....???

and about his hair... i started writing witch hazel a loooong time ago before jungkook went through his long hair phase, so tbh i initially envisioned his hair to be shorter at his standard cut. BUT EVERYTHING CHANGED when he grew that hair OUT. id say in the fic, it’s about as long as in this gif aka long enough to hinder his view of the world ahahahha

#reply post #aww man i WISH i could say more #but im excited as well!!!!!#regardless it will be a big step for the reader...... or will it?🤔

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supersquiddy · 6 years ago

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Mob Psycho 100 Spoilers (Addressing division and Animation Analyst)

l suppose I have to read the manga (which I will) to truly understand but I really did feel emotionally moved by this episode. Every little moment hit me.

It was because of the presentation. Yes it did feel pretty rushed and I wouldn’t have mind to have this whole bit be two episodes like what they did with Mob’s fight with Teru. Those two episodes had, what I would call, build up action and pay off action.

Build up action would be the first clash between Mob and Teru, where everything was established. In the newest episode’s case, it would be the first half of it. Pay off action is when Teru encounter ??? Mob and the emotions that the scenes leading up to it had. In the newest episode’s case, that would be the epic fight in the 2nd half.

Which, sadly, both of these “actions” had to be crammed into one episode. And many leave it feeling disappointed.

I, after some reflection of the episode, would have loved it to be more. Like the Teru and Mob fight. But this episode still.....hurt. Which was because of the presentation I mentioned earlier.

Loooong animation analysis,by someone who really want to tell their own stories and takes note of all these little things, under the cut.

The animation was amazing and I think it conveyed a lot. The letterboxing (the proper name for the two black bars at the top and bottom) frames the whole show in a different mood. Along with the world’s muted colors. Those two details alone already gave me a feeling of seriousness and foreboding.

How Mob looked when people were talking about how unnoticeable he is. Basically a walking punching bag.

Him getting slapped in front of the whole class and his peers whispering about him and throwing paper at him really got to me. I jumped and gasped when I first saw it, shocked.

The two guys trying to rob him and Ritsu’s icy cold stare was another moment that was a punch in the gut. Just a few episodes ago, Ritsu was ready to kill for his brother.

The lingering looks he has. (They are all sprinkled throughout the setup, I’m just using the next pic as an example)

The milk scene which serves as more public humiliation. The teacher(who I assumes was the same one who slapped him) didn’t attempt to intervene. It reminds me of passive teachers who do nothing to help a student of theirs who clearly needs help. And, before the girl pours milk on him, you can already see that Mob is going through a lot. (Also, make a note of the kanji that Bones chose to highlight. I think it also symbolizes a lot of what’s going on in a subtle way. Nature, Dream, Friendship, Darkness, are all things that are touched on in this ep.)

Mob’s room, which is usually relatively neat is disheveled. And it could be seen as alluding to Mob falling into depression. Some people with depression struggle to keep a clean room and often try to hid away. You can get a real sense of isolation even when Mogami is in the shot. While Mob sits with a vacant or stunned stare.

His room even mirrors Mogami’s when he starts talking about his life taking a turn for the worst. He’s trying to solidify the idea that he thinks that he and Mob is the same. Which I'll address Mogami’s role in all of this later on.

And one of the scenes that conveys the feeling of being pushed down and squashed by other people. How some people are just plain ugly and take everything out on people they see is beneath them is this scene right here. Screenshots can’t do it justice.

(I got this gif from @mobpsycho100 )

The fluidity and bouncyness of the animation fits the feeling of something is unhuaman. I think those who have been bullied and abused and you see the people who hurt you take delight in your pain can really feel this part. The way Minori is laughing, the way the other boys stretch and smile, all feels so sinister. The figures with all their agony adds to the disturbing atmosphere. Along with Mogami at the end. Offering to show Mob an escape. So I guess it’s time to talk about Mogami’s role.

He serves as the narrator for most of the episode. Constantly trying to draw out Mob’s emotions and powers to show that they are the same. He criticizes not only society but Mob too. He shows up as something that usually people pay no mind until they get in the way: bugs.

Always following Mob around. The VA for Mogami does a wonderful job at having this deadpan with a hint of spite or nonchalantness at certain points that really adds to the atmosphere. And that soon bleeds over to Mob after he decides to use his powers.His voice was never the most energetic but during that time it seems lifeless. It’s not really something that I can show but if you have a chance, rewatch the episode with all that in mind. (Which I recommend to do once you get done with this post. Maybe you might see this episode in a new light?)

And this part right here, the part during Mob’s breaking point, got me too.

(Gif by @jetstream-mat )

Her cruel smile says it all...

Anyways, I’m going to end it here because I only wanted to talk about the emotions of this episode leading up to Mob’s big change. I know a lot of manga readers have said that Bones didn’t do a good job of portraying the emotional impact of Mob’s 6 months in hell but I beg to differ. No, no cats died or Mob didn’t get stabbed, but I truly believe that Bones delivered in the emotions department. As someone who used to be bullied, not nearly on the level as this, this still shook me. Because I could feel how Mob would feel going through all of it. The half of the episode really did hurt. But I can understand why, even after you read all of this, Manga Readers, you still were let down. You had expectations. I just wanted to put down in words why I fount this moving and show why some might like this episode. And I don’t think the show had to be as heavy hitting as the manga to get the message across.

#mob psycho 100 #mob100 #mogami arc #minori asagiri #kageyama shigeo #squiddy speaks #i would write more but ooof i spent too much time on this #mob psycho 100 spoilers #i just love this a lot #thank you for reading

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fatphobiabusters · 6 years ago

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Hi, I really like your blog and I want to add a “little” personal story. Sorry if is too long, and even sorry for my shitty level of english.

I born in a family with a loooong line of overweight people. I can’t even remember a really thin familiar, so as anybody should know, the gene stuff is something which we born and kinda hard to modify. So, in the second that the doc take me out of the uterus of my mom, he say “Hey! Fatty (yes, the doc call fatty to my mom, with "love”) I take this girl! Her back is of the size of a bear"

So in the first minute of my life, I get already the label “fat”.

I spend my chilhood and adolescence without going to different places because I don’t fit. Too fat to go there, to fat to run here, to fat to birthdays… I never could learn to swim because I never could handle hear the people laugh about me in public places. Hear them compare me with a whale when I was in the beach was not easy to take. I stop to use short pants when I had 7 years old (I never use them again in public) I stop to go to the beach when I had 10 years old (I go a couple of times in my life, and I never touch the water).

As my family was poor, I have to eat mosly pasta and rise each day of my life, which, to a tiny growing child is not very healthy…

In my adolescence I live a hell: nicknames and bully from everywhere… kids in school are evil and I even had to live with a father and a brother that have a great daily time calling me “fat stupid ugly shit” and sweet things like that (and even in the actual time, they still do it).

I barely have one date in my life and my sex life is none, I have troubles to get clothes and I need to face the people that believe that IF I stop to eat and do sport, I will get healthy AND, OF COURSE thin (nobody really ask me if I’m already healthy or not).

I’m tired to need to explain that I have a thyroid problem and polycystic ovaries, and need to give classes to medicine to people that don’t know what is that. I’m tired to explain that I been 2 years doing a diet of almost starvation and doing daily cardio without lose any weight (the only thing I lose, was hair) and get a “well, you sure do something bad, THAT CAN’T BE POSSIBLE, do it again and harder!”. I’m tired to need to explain that I actually eat healty, mostly vegetables, I drink only water, I don’t smoke, whitout hear that I sure lie.

I’m tired that the conversations I get of random people never go around what I like to do or my skills. Seems that talk 3 languages don’t care if your ass is fat. Seems that be autodidact don’t care if you have double chin. Seems that the artistic skills are invisible if you are more than just chubby. Seems that what matters is that I’m fat and the apparent need to remember me that, as if I don’t have mirrors in home. But in the same time, listening shits like “Is fine, you are not gross, and what matters is the inside” as they point a list of “fresh” diets from a magazine.

I’m tired to doctors. The last time I went one (2 years ago), I want to make just a electrocardiography to check. The doc see me, write “overweight” without size me, weight me or even ask me, and give me a list of many specialists that I should see (of course, nutritionist at first). I back to home with a lot of papers, without electrocardiography and a lot of self hate. I don’t see any doctor since then.

Now I have almost 30 years old, I'm overweight (the BMI say that I had extra 60 lbs), with severe depression, problems in my knees, Fibromyalgia, and I hate food and my body in the same level, as some thin friends call me only when they feel herself ugly and need me to cheer up their lives.

The 90% of my problems come around my weight (my body, my fat and my beauty or lack of beauty).

The 90% of my weight come from medical stuffs that come with me when I born, parental negligence and a lot of thin privilege.

So, next time that someone tell me that I should lose weight for my health… Can I just give them the link of this blog? I’m tired of these people…

Thanks for read all this shit. Big hugs!

[ GIF Description: Patamon and Tentomon from Digimon sitting in Water with the caption “Humans are Hard to Understand.” ] Fatphobia all through your life is really hard to go through. Sorry that people suck and treated you that way. Especially your “friends” . WOW. That’s really terrible they say those things to you. Though from reading this it sounds that you’re trying to just exist.. .and you’re working on finding some validation for being you. I hope hearing other people’s stories here does give you that. And you’re more than welcome to send people this link if you want. - Mod Dom

#Submission #submission #domino speaks #fatphobia #familial fatphobia #fatphobic friends #medical fatphobia

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buckyswinterchildren · 8 years ago

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The Only Exception - Part 5

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: you don’t believe in romantic love, you find it pathetic. But maybe, you make an exception when you meet James ‘Bucky’ Barnes.

A/N: after a loooong time, I am finally back with another chapter of this series I love so much. I have not been active these weeks because they have been exhausting, but I made some time between duties to write as to not abandon this series. As you may know, or maybe not, I am a big BIG fan of The Strokes and I have watched the shows they have done these past weeks so, there are a few things that are similar to what happened at The Strokes’ shows and the days after them. I hope you enjoy this part and thank you to all of you because you make me really happy!

Tags: @supersoldierslover @barnesandnoble13 @vivianbabz @petals-overdaisies @damnbuckyishot @brazien @siobhanrebecca @shamvictoria11 @independentgirl @elwenia @flaipa

(Credits to the owner of the gif)

You reappear on the stage and the public goes crazy with their shouts.

“We were talking backstage guys and we said that we cannot leave you yet.” Again, your words are the reason why the audience shouts. You are lying if you say you are not excited and moved when you see that all these people are here to see you and your band. “Ok, we ready?” you ask to the guys of your band, they nod with their heads and the chords of the guitars and of the bass start, then the drums follow, and so does your voice.

The public sings the song along with you as well as it imitates the rhythm of the riffs. The song, called ‘40/40’, comes to an end and again, more shouts. The five of you can feel the energy that comes from your fans and it is undescriptible.

“Thank you very, very much. You were insane tonight, guys. Good luck!” By saying this, you and the rest of the band disappear from the stage as the people clap their hands and go wild for the tenth -just to say a number- time in the night.

Two days after the show, you are back in your apartment, in your city. Yesterday, while you were in your way back home, your manager informed you that this last show was the biggest of your career. Unbelievable. Of course you did not miss the chance and you, as well as the other members of the band, used your social networks to thank your fans. In your case, you used your instagram account and uploaded a picture taken from the backstage which shows your back and the public in front of you followed by the legend: “You were legendary last night. Thank you!”

Now that you lye in your couch in the peace of your place, you come to think about these two years that have passed and all that have happened throughout them.

Who would have said that your band, The Scarlets, were going to be one of the main bands in one of the most important festivals in the world, Lollapalooza? Two years ago, when you were back from that long tour all around the US, neither of you would have thought that just in two years, you were going to have the success that you are having now.

Besides your professional life, your personal is quite well too. Yes, the rumours about your romance with Cal sometimes reappear, but you learned to laugh at them. Also, you met an amazing person who now is one of the most important ones in your life, your indispensable friend -and accountant- Bucky.

Bucky has been of great support for you during this time: he has calmed you down when your anxiety wanted to mess with you, he had even gone to some of your shows, besides all those moments that you don’t remember at this moment. Now that you see it in retrospective, you are happy that you slept drunk in his bedroom that night that now it seems too far away, because that was the beginning of your friendship.

Thinking about him, you receive a message from Bucky: “How is the rockstar doing? Tonight I am gonna to pick you up to celebrate your success. No excuses allowed.”

You laugh at his words and you reply immediately: “It is nice to have a chauffeur, you know? Sorry but I have a date tonight 😂😂 Ok Barnes, see you tonight.”

You spend the rest of the day at home doing nothing, just what you need after all these crazy weeks abroad.

Hours later, you turn off the TV of the living room and you go to take a relaxing shower.

After the shower, you go to your bedroom and open your closet to pick up your outfit. You have a really nice black dress you love hung there and you decide to wear it with your high heels of the same colour. Once you have your outfit on, you tie the necklace that Bucky gave you in your last birthday; you do your make up and half an hour later, Bucky is downstairs waiting for you.

“Where are we going?” you ask as you put on the seatbelt.

“There is this bar we have gone once I think, ‘Jagger.’” Bucky informs you as he keeps lookingn at the traffic light waiting for the green light. “It is quite good, specially for a star like you.”

“So the accountant does know how to have fun and how to treat a famous singer, ah? I am impressed, Barnes.” Your cellphone buzzes so you take it out of your purse to see who has texted you. It is Natasha: “These news don’t stop 😱” followed by a link; you click on it and it directs you to a news in an entertainment site whose title reads:

“Are they going to confirm it now?

A lot has been said about the relationship between Y/N and Cal, members of ‘The Scarlets,’ but they have always denied it… until now. We have exclusive pictures that show that they are not just friends.”

“Oh God, they write news with anything they have in their hands,” you say annoyed in a low voice, but Bucky could hear you.

“What’s wrong?” He looks for a moment at you.

You take a deep breath, “nothing, the usual: Cal and me. Now they have 'comprimising’ pictures,” you say as you move your middle and index fingers up and down. “They are just pictures of as being close on the stage. Ugh, I am tired of this,” you say as you turn off your cellphone and keep it back in your purse.

“They still make rumours with that?!” Bucky asks surprised -and a little bit annoyed- as he stops the car and get out of it.

As you also get out of the car, you say “mmhm, but the best we can do is to not pay attention to them. That’s it.”

Now that you see the front of the bar and the big sign that reads 'Jagger,’ you remember it. You came here with Bucky after a long work day, if you are not mistaken.

The place is as big and as pretty good as you remembered it. There are tables in the right side of it, right in front of the huge door where you get in and on the other side, there is a dancefloor. At the back, you can see a big garden where there are tables too. You decide to stay indoors so you sit in one of the tables for two.

A waitress come and leave you the menus which you read with the same attention as if you were reading for an exam.

“What are you gonna ask?” Bucky asks you as he reads the menu too.

“Why don’t we go for what always work? Beer and pizza, are you in?” you say as you put the menu down.

“I am in, doll.”

Your beers arrive and minutes later, the pizza.

“You know,” you tell Bucky as you eat your first slice of pizza, “I have forgotten how much I love this place. I mean, I love the band fans but I can be with you in peace here.”

“That is why I brought you here,” Bucky answers as he puts the face of 'I know it.’

You smile at him, “thanks, it is nice that you remember that detail.” You are not the kind of girl who shows her feelings by hugging or anything, you barely do that; but this time, you really are grateful with Bucky so, you put your hand above his just for a few seconds.

The time passes and your food and drinks disappear. The DJ or whoever is playing the music, plays one of your favourite pop songs.

“Oh, I love this song,” you practically shout of joy.

Bucky laughs at your reaction, then he stands up and offers you his hand. “Come on.”

You are confused, “where?”

“Where do you think? To dance! Come on, before the song ends!”

“You are from another world, Barnes,” you take his hand and stand from your chair.

You walk towards the dancefloor where there are other people dancing. You decide not to be in the middle of the group, but to be in the corner. You start dancing and making whatever moves come to your mind; none of you can’t stop laughing while seeing the other one. No one knows how it happened, but Bucky and you end up hugging there in the dancefloor.

“Look at you, singing those rock songs and dancing at the rhythm of this,” Bucky makes fun of you as his arms are around your waist.

“And look at you, accountant. All day behind a desk with your calculator and now, dancing at the rhythm of this.” You keep looking at each other for some time with a smile on your faces, when Bucky leans on you slowly, wanting to kiss you.

“W- what?!” you ask with surprise as you separate from him. “What the fuck, Bucky?” You definitely don’t want to make a scene in front of everyone, but his actions took you by surprise.

“I- I am sorry..." You do not even let him finish talk since you turn around and walk towards your table to pick up your things. Bucky grabs you delicately by the arm and repeats himself: "I am sorry, Y/N."

"I want to go home," it is all you answer.

Bucky did not let you call for a cab and you do not want everyone see that you are arguing with him so, you accept his offer of him driving you home. Of course the journey is uncomfortable and in silence, only the music from the radio fills the air.

Finally the car stops in front of your apartment and you look at him just to say: "thanks." Then, you try to open the door.

"Wait," Bucky stops your action with his words. "Let me explain myself, we were having such a good night that I did not want to ruin it like that."

"You are right, Barnes!" you explode, "we were having a magnific night! And what was that?! I understand if it was because of beer, but we only drunk a glass! What is wrong-?"

"Don't you see it?" Bucky interrupts you. "I am in love with you, Y/N!." You clearly cannot believe what he is saying. "I know, I know what you think about all this thing of love and that is why I never did a thing. I know. It was an impulse what happened tonight, I am sorry."

"In love with me?! Bucky, why don't you look for someone who looks at you with love? I cannot give you that and you know! I can barely tolerate all those rumours about Cal and me!" You are confused with this whole situation.

"Because I don't want anyone else. I know it is a cliché, but it is true! And reading or hearing all those rumours about you two hurt like hell!" Bucky is hurt and you can see it on his face.

"Bucky, I am sorry, I cannot talk about this anymore, not right now." You look cold, but on your inside you are not, on the contrary; but you do not know what to say, how to manage all this new information. That is why you open the door of the car, get out of it and go to your apartment without looking back.

Once you are in the building, Bucky starts driving again and cries. He cries of pain and of rage. Of pain because of the whole situation and because how it ended; of rage because of his attempt to kiss you. He knows he should have never done that. The last thing Bucky wants is to lose you forever.

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analyzingrhink-blog · 8 years ago

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Analyzing Rhink - The kiss that started it all

Introduction to the madness/discussions

In discussing our head canons for these two amazing men, and their epic love for each other, we talked about when we thought their relationship changed from epic soulmates to soul mates who fuck.

After a very loooong ass discussion, where we flailed incoherently for 28 pages, we came to the same conclusion: The romantic/sexual side of their relationship is only a very recent thing. We don't think they’ve been sleeping together for years. We pinpointed the beginning of “something more” to the News Musical: Wedding Fail episode, better known as the Newsical-kiss, Plexi-kiss or the kiss that nearly killed the Rhink fandom.

We believe that the aftermath of the plexi-kiss showed them a side to their relationship that was previously, completely unexplored. This got them thinking, questioning what was between them. It made them realize feelings that they a) didn’t know they had and b) didn’t know how to deal with. Unfortunately, Rhett and Link didn’t kiss through the plexi-glass and ride off into the sunset. We think the aftermath of the plexi-kiss led to more denial and a great deal of angst. The plexi-kiss was a catalyst and where the change in their relationship began.

We invite you relax, take a seat and listen to our theory of how the plexi-kiss punched Rhett and Link in the face with feels.

So let's talk about that.

Our theory: Or better known as Plexi-gate

We share the headcanon that Rhett and Link didn’t progress their relationship until much, much later in life. Because it took that long to acknowledge and understand themselves.

These two men clearly share a relationship that transcends anything you could call ‘best friends’. They’ve been friends for 30+ years. And after all this time, they still adore each other, want to spend all their time together and genuinely care and love each other.

originally posted by mclaughneal

They couldn’t imagine their lives apart, so they went to the same university and took the same courses. And when Rhett wanted to move and pursue his dream, Link didn’t hesitate to follow him. Because Link couldn’t live in a world where he didn’t have Rhett in his life everyday. And if for some reason Link couldn’t go with Rhett, Rhett wouldn’t have left. Because he couldn’t live without Link.

How do two people who love each other so much -who are beyond just best friends, bordering on soul mates - take so long to realize they are in love with each other and finally do something about it?

To understand that. You need to first look at where they came from.

Rhett and Link’s Background: Buies Creek, North Carolina

Not only was the world a much less accepting place forty years ago, they came from a small town in southern USA. Rhett and Link were raised in an environment where having feelings for a man wasn’t just wrong, it wasn’t even on their radar. Some people may or may not understand this, but when you're raised in a very strict Christian homophobic household, bisexual people can deny an entire side of themselves. So much so, that it makes it hard to notice when they having feelings for the same sex, especially if they fall in love with someone of the opposite gender, because it can feel natural.. But there is in fact a side of yourself that is being denied because you were taught it was wrong.

Which is why we think they hadn’t really even thought about each other that way, fleetingly if at all.

The move to CA

So you may ask why did it take Rhett and Link so long to ‘get it together?’ It takes quite a bit of time to unlearn deeply ingrained ideas taught to us when we are young.

We believe that a huge changing agent for Rhett and Link was the move to CA. Before that, we don't think they would have had the exposure to the world outside of small town NC and outside of conservative Christian ideals that allow them to think of each other in non platonic ways.

The move to CA also came at a time when their Internetainment careers were beginning to skyrocket, and their new working relationship was becoming legitimate. New dynamics such as that can really change something in a relationship.

There’s a higher level of trust involved in committing to a move and partnership that big too. By moving to CA and forming a company they effectively put the fate of their careers, finances and ultimately their families in each other's hands.

Even with all this happening, it still took some time. Its believable that it took many years on top of the change of location, exposure to new people and ideas and definitely their age and developing relational dynamics to open their minds to new and startling possibilities.

Without all these factors lining up in the proper way, Rhett and Link may not have ever realized that this is the kind of thing that they could have. Their background and the ideals they grew up with would not allow it.

It's rather heartbreaking to think that they could have been loving each other for many years, and not ever realizing what it was because of their upbringing.

What caused the kiss?

Honesty, this kiss does not seem preplanned. It was not a ploy to see how far they could push each other or to reveal secret feelings at this time. Rhett and Link were just following the natural progression of the story and following each others’ lead. They were just going with it, like they always do.

The story didn’t call for a kiss through a prison glass. We’re sure the plexi-glass was just a prop, same as the wig. But these two clever cupcakes, who regularly pull hilarious and entertaining things at whim, were just following their creativity.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

As you can see in the above gif, it’s Rhett who asked Link to kiss him through the glass and Link didn’t even hesitate. These two have been bouncing ideas off each other their entire lives. One throws something at the other, who bats it back and fills in any gaps along the way.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

This easy and almost second nature reactivity to each other is what makes them so successful.

But it also means that they often don't think too hard about something before doing it. Because they trust each other so completely and aren’t afraid to take the jump. You can see that they in the moment and totally engrossed in their characters.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

In the above gif, you can see that Link was working off of Rhetts cues. He is so lost in in the progression of the scene and the character that he even kissed the glass a second time, after Rhett had pulled away. Link’s brain certainly was not in the driver’s seat, as all his actions indicate that he was responding to Rhett’s direction. This has always been their dynamic, Rhett asks and Link follows.

Link was not the only perpetrator of thoughtlessness. It is clear that they both weren’t thinking about what they were doing, which is why this was such an important event. They didn’t think about how they would feel after, they didn’t think at all. Neither realized that “Oh, this may be weird. Rhett just asked me to kiss him.”

This scene certainly affected them both in a significant way that they didn’t even consider. And it is evident how much it did affect them by their body language towards each other afterwards.

Link’s Reactions and Body Language

Originally posted by graveyard-whistler

originally posted by silentbelvedere

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

To fully understand the impact this kiss had on Link, we need to understand the man. Link tends to live in a world where his emotions are out in the open and he finds it difficult, nay impossible to shut these feelings down. Everything about Link is a bundle of expression, with his hands moving, eyebrows waggling all over the place and his blue eyes sparkling with his thoughts. The man wears his heart on his sleeve and has no brain to mouth filter. It's not hard at all to work out what's going on in his brain.

Therefore, his face and body language are a clear indicator of the wide array of emotions he was experiencing the moment his lips left Rhett’s.

Link’s resulting reaction to the kiss was very telling. His feelings were all over his face and it seems like he had been hit by a truck. By observing Link’s body language and facial features, it can be concluded that it wasn’t embarrassment he was feeling, if you look closely Link’s face is one of complete shock.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

His eyes are wide, his face is flushed and he is breathing heavily, his chest visibly heaving. Link doesn’t seem like he can move, his body is frozen and he can’t even look away from the camera.

Also Link, not being one that can keep his mouth shut, says EXACTLY how he feels.

“Oh Goodness”

“I don't know what to say at this point”

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

We know you don’t Link. Because you look like you’ve been hit in the face with a realization hammer.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

As the video progresses, Rhett appears to be pushing forward, while Link is still stuck in the moment of the kiss. It is apparent that Link is still stunned judging by the look on his face and his posture. He still has his hand up to his ear like a telephone as if he can’t even move his body, and if his eyes got any wider, they’d burst out of his head. Link’s mind must have been the equivalent of a squirrel on speed in this moment. You can almost read the thoughts going through his mind just as clearly as if he were speaking them out loud:

“Omg what….what is this?... Why do I feel this way… Why is my heart beating so hard?”

Link is an exceptional actor. We have seen him use a variety of expressions and gestures for the benefit of entertainment. But in this moment, Link has stopped acting. And he certainly isn't reacting like he’s just had another awkward moment on the camera for the benefit of comedy. It was the look of a person who had just received their first kiss from their crush, one they didn’t even know existed. It was like Link had just woken up.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

Yeah Link. We know, wow.

In the above gif, you can see how Link just barely pulls himself back from the brink of hysterical laughter before he finally releases his “grip” on his phone hand. His mind and body are just starting to catch up to one another as he finally lets his arm fall to his side. The two parts of himself are starting to move at the same speed, but it hasn’t diminished the swirling emotions that are still written all over him. From his flushed face to his sighs and mumbling, you can tell he has not fully recovered his composure. It’s like the world is just beginning to come back into focus, but he has not even begun to work out what this all means to himself, to Rhett or their partnership.

Rhett’s Reactions and Body Language

originally posted by thenthekneehits

At first glance, one would say that Rhett was not nearly as impacted by this kiss as Link was. While Link looks like he’s had a visitation by god, Rhett looks like he’s gotten back down to business and moved on.

The significance of Rhett’s reaction is that Rhett tends to play things closer to his chest. Where Link is impetuous and you can see his emotions plainly, Rhett is trapped inside his own mind, which makes him much harder to read. He always seems to be less upset over things, but that is because his emotions stay inside of him, while Link’s flail all over the place.

Rhett is a thoughtful guy.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

And those thoughts tend to stay exactly where they are. A self proclaimed introvert, he is not prone to sharing much of what goes on inside. Revealing too much of his inner workings makes him vulnerable, which makes these obvious feelings that much more powerful. These emotions that he allowed on his face and in his gestures reveal something deep and important and speaks volumes of the propensity of the situation.

So it would be easy to say Rhett was unaffected by the kiss because he was very quick to push away the awkwardness and continue the show like always. The fact of the matter is, Rhett felt the emotion of the kiss acutely. We believe he was going through the same reactions as Link, but experiencing it internally rather than externally.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

As you can see here, Rhett is trying to work out what the hell to do and Link is SO offline that Rhett is basically left to sink or swim on his own.

You can see him trying to work out. What the hell this boy is doing? Is he still in character? Are we still acting?

Rhett keeps looking to the monitor, trying to gauge what Link’s face is doing. Rhett’s still got his phone hand up to his face, because Link has.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

You can see Rhett is thinking so damn hard. His face is twitching, his eyes are looking all over the place and his brain is in overdrive. He is looking to his friend for the next move and is struggling to figure out if this act has gone off the rails or not. There is a moment of recognition when Rhett realizes that Link is no longer acting and that his responses are true to life.

“Yep, okay. I don't think we’re acting anymore. I don't know what Link is saying. Come on Mclaughlin, do something.”

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

And do something he does. He spurs into action.

All the while Link is imploding, his emotions are leaking to the surface while Rhett is focused on halting his internal meltdown, frantic to pick up the pieces and get on with the show. Rhett is aware that he has lost Link, but is incapable of pulling the man back from the space he is in. So in order to deal with the situation, Rhett flies into fix it mode.

Keep it moving, maybe we will fall into step together.

Step by step, Rhett pulls away from the kiss, puts the plexi glass down and starts talking to the camera.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

Despite his efforts to remain calm and keep things chugging along, you can see he is on the precipice of losing all semblance of control, same as Link.

originally posted by rtr-gifs

Rhet has a tell when he’s nervous. We all do. It's generally a self soothing gesture. It doesn’t always mean you’re uncomfortable. But it's definitely something you do when you are.

Rhett is a beard stroker.

originally posted by remembertherandler

Rhett tends to not be a fidgety person when he’s relaxed. He’s not a nervous energy bunny like Link. When he’s chill, he’s chill. When he’s not entirely chill, he might play with his beard, or play with the hair at the back of his neck.

Rhett is in danger mode here, we’ve never seen him move so much. He is the most fidgety fidget man in these gifs. Touching his face, his beard, playing with the wig,and touching his mouth.

While Link has barely moved, Rhett is nearly ready to climb out of his skin.

originally posted by graveyard-whistler

This scene was a rarity for this pair because the way Rhett and Link function is clear. When one fails the other swiftly takes over without a beat. In the case of this unexpected kiss, both brains were taken by surprise and went off kilter.

Link was completely lost and was of no help to Rhett. Rhett struggled to keep everything going, but you can see that he was not only affected by the kiss, he was REALLY affected by Link’s visceral reaction afterwards.

Link, the bouncy energy-bound puppy, had an almost freeze-frame brain malfunction and cool, calm and collected Rhett nearly spiralled himself into the sun.

When usually this duo can just feed off each other almost telepathically, this episode demonstrates that this kiss left them stranded and unable to work out where to go.

Aftermath of Kiss/Why Release the Episode

The aftermath of the kiss is very closely related to the release of the episode. Why would they release an episode, or even just that scene, if it was so damn clear, to god and everyone, that they had a bone-deep reaction to kissing each other? Even through a sheet of plastic.

And that can be answered by a river in Egypt. Denial.

When you don't understand something, something so very profound that it drops you on your head and wrecks everything you thought you knew….well, it's safer just to pretend that it doesn’t exist because the alternative is terrifying and life changing.

Which is why they released the episode. If they didn’t release it, they’d have to acknowledge that there was something wrong with it and that the reactions meant something.

So release it and it just becomes …”Oh hahahah aren’t we funny and stupid!”

If they don’t release it, uncomfortable questions start to arise, questions they weren’t prepared to give life to by answering.

Which leads nicely into the next thought. They definitely did not talk about how this episode made them feel. Which is strange, because being friends for so many years, you would think that they would talk about everything. For as many times as fans have commented on their closeness, you can bet that people that interact with Rhett and Link in their everyday lives have commented on it twice as much. Which begs the question, why lock these emotions in a box and send it down the river?

It was clear that instead of having a open realization, feelings were repressed even further because they both were not ready for it. They weren’t ready for how it made them feel and for how it made them question what they meant to each other. This is the first time they’d been put into a situation where their defenses were down, unwittingly throwing them head first into each other, smashing and shattering the puzzle pieces of their relationship and leaving them to reassemble it.

They were forced to acknowledge what the scene made them feel,but their feelings were only given a cursory glance before they were shoved deep down again, back to where they had emerged from.

They needed time to assemble the puzzle back together, but this was definitely not the time or place. They were different people and just not ready. Time‘s fingers had not reached them and taken hold yet, not allowing them to accept their feelings. They were still stuck in the limbo of self doubt and disbelief.

Because it's one thing to love your best friend. But it's another to want your best friend.

So what happened next?

Denial would only get them so far. It may have worked for them in the past, (which saw them through the “no homo” days of the Kasts) but ignoring a big physical realization like this would only work for a short time. We think the tension between them would have erupted eventually. They would have fought it until they finally acted on how they felt OR at least talked about it openly.

So what happened next? That is another analysis for another time.

Originally posted by mythical-shippings

First things first we have some people to thank. We’ve had some help with this very scientific post.

Thanks to @afangirlsplaylist for her amazing help with editing. After staring at this for as long as we have, it was good to have a second...third? Pair of eyes to see our mistakes. Also she made a few really good points that added to our theories.

Thanks to @remembertherandler for helping us with gif searching and providing us with gifs. I swear girl, I didn’t think I’d ever find that gif. You’re amazing.

Thanks to @graveyard-whistler , @silentbelvedere , @thenthekneehits @mythical-shippings, @mclaughneal for your amazing gifs and pics which helped us illustrate the science.

And lastly, thank you dear and lovely reader! We had a lot of fun writing this. Never have we had so much fun in a fandom, before. Be your mythical best.

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ruthellisneda · 7 years ago

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{#TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support

On a day in recent history, I received some triggering news that made my blood run cold, and a mushroom of anxiety and grief bloom furiously in my belly.

I sat frozen on my floor for a few minutes, feeling completely lost and paralyzed, before pulling out my phone and sending texts to half a dozen people. I explained to them what had happened, and told them I needed their support.

Within a few minutes, I had a mountain of texts.

One friend let me know she couldn’t talk right now, but offered a day and time when she could give me her undivided attention and support soon. Some were immediate offers of empathy, letting me know that my pain was witnessed and heard and valid. Some were questions like “how can I help?” and some were funny GIFs.

Each person brought something unique, different, special, and healing to me over the next few hours of texting. Together they helped me shift from a place of panic and shame to one of safety, calm, and secure belonging. Their support literally re-regulated my triggered nervous system, grounded me back into my body, and protected me from sinking into depression.

What’s interesting about this is that five years ago, I never would had sent those texts.

For most of my life, I wouldn’t have wanted to bother anyone, and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable burdening anyone with my feelings– especially big, panicky, ugly feelings. Back then, when I got triggered by shit, I didn’t reach out to anyone to help me re-regulate, so instead I just spiraled downward, alone, for a loooong time.

We desperately need support and connection. We’re wired for it, and we genuinely can’t thrive without it

Getting support and connection from other people when we’re freaking out (aka when we’re dealing with a disregulated nervous system) literally helps the body calm down and return to normal.

Yet so many people struggle to reach out for support, just like I used to, and end up spiraling downward alone instead. Why?

I believe the answer involves the way we’re socialized to see our own gender roles. While men have their own battles to fight in this arena (aka male bonding activities are everywhere, but male emotional vulnerability is discouraged), I’m going to focus on women.

Women are taught that their value comes from giving others a positive experience: being pretty, desirable, bubbly and cheerful, helpful, and nurturing/caring. As such, most of us learn to not cause a fuss, be as pleasant as possible, and always put the needs and desires of others before our own. Can you see how burdening someone else with our needs or feelings would go completely against everything we learned? It would be selfish! It would be too much for them to handle! It would be anarchy!

It can be so scary to imagine being vulnerable, asking for help, or inconveniencing someone with our feelings, that many of us would rather just soldier on alone

— miserable and disconnected, but at least feeling “safe” that we didn’t mess anything up.

This fear of opening yourself and being vulnerable makes sense.

After all, it opens you up to rejection– what if the person says no? That would really hurt.

It also opens you up to judgement and criticism. What if someone gets mad at you, or says “your feelings are wrong and stupid”?

It also lets other people see that you’re not perfect, and you don’t always have everything together. Many women are so afraid of being seen that way that they spend their entire lives avoiding it.

Let’s take a look at the most common fears I see women struggle with– the ones thatkeep us from reaching out for the support we need when we need it:

* Fear of being a burden/inconvenience * Fear of people realizing we’re imperfect * Fear of upsetting/disappointing someone (or being disappointed!) * Fear of being judged or laughed at * Fear of being seen as selfish * Fear of being “too much” for people * Fear of being rejected or disapproved of

Do any of these sound familiar? These fears can be absolutely paralyzing, and the longer you go without facing them, the more powerful they become!

This is what a lot of “fear of vulnerability” and “difficulty opening up and trusting people” comes down to– feeling like you wouldn’t be able to handle the negative consequences of one of the above fears.

But letting these fears run the show isn’t just a disservice to you. It’s also a disservice to everyone around you!

Think about it this way: You have a friend who never opens up to you, tells you about the shit she’s going through, or asks you for support. This means you never get to be there for her, and you never see her messy authentic self, so you never feel comfortable sharing your messy authentic self either. The two of you both keep presenting your “best selves” to the other, staying pretty surface-level, while each of you wishes the other would open up so you could deepen the friendship.

This happens all the time, especially among women. We all crave deeply nourishing relationships, but we’re too afraid to let people see our messy/private/weak/hurting parts, or bother people with our needs or feelings. So we try to handle everything ourselves, never giving anyone the opportunity to step up… and then when we really need support, nobody is there.

Letting yourself be vulnerable, asking for help, and opening up to people– these are SKILLS.

They might be uncomfortable right now, but that’s ok. They might even be straight up terrifying, and that’s ok too. But you deserve to have friendships that nourish and support you in times of stress, and so do the other people in your life.

The good news is that you can overcome these fears with practice– it gets easier the more you do it!

I feel so strongly about the need for overcoming these fears that I actually teach it in Authentic Body Confidence (a 12 week online course that launches again in August!) to women who have been afraid and disconnected for a long time.

It’s important to note here that overcoming the fear of opening yourself up to people is a numbers game. Sometimes you will be rejected, and that’s ok. (Again, it’s a skill!) But if you only open up to one person every 10 years, and one of them rejects you, shames you, or breaks your heart… it’s gonna be reaalllllly difficult to do it again.

If you practice overcoming these fears every week though, you’ll start to see that some people take your invitation and rise to the challenge, and others don’t, and both are fine. In this way you will become a lot freer, more resilient, and way more self-confident.

That’s why I encourage you to practice opening up more often.

Practice inviting people to do things or talk, being uncomfortable and opening up anyway, and handling rejection and conflict. Ask for the exact kind of help and support you need, and commit to expanding your comfort zone every week by reaching out, reaching out, reaching out.

Yours in belonging,

<3 Jessi

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#{TransparentTuesday} Asking For Support

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johnclapperne · 7 years ago