#i been feeling myself real hard lately
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munday~
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a redraw of the first drawing i posted here to celebrate the fact that ive been in tumblr for more than a whole year posting my shit and havent deleted my blog in panic yippee \:D/ (mushy rant in tags)
#i realised too late that it has been more than a fuking year (august 9)#and for context: ive had 3 different intagram art accounts and i deleted all 3 of them a few months before creating them. anxiety amiright#here it has been so different bc people are so nice??? it has been a pretty plesant experience here w all of u really#im so glad to have found myself in such a wonderful part of the fandom and amazing mutuals that i never talk to bc im shit w texting#the atention has been overwhelming ngl. i have over 2000 followers which. holy fuck???#it doesnt feel like a real number and for my own sake im nnot gonna treat it as one#like i apreciate the support and ppl liking what i do but im not here to make number go big yk? im here to connect w other humans#and yall have been amazing humans ^^ thank u for all the wonderful tags and comments and the support overall#it has been so cool sharing my art and finding other artist whom i respect oh so very much. some of them even follow me back wtf#i hope to continue being here for as long as i can and keep growing as an artist and sharing that process with other without fear#also my amy redesign actually goes so hard idk why i forgot about it nxnfbcncb#sth#sonic fanart#sonic#amy rose#nov.aart#nov.junk
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The worst part about reading in a genre where you have low expectations (in this case, Christian historical fiction) is that when a book impresses you, you have no idea if it's actually good or if you're just overly impressed because it was a fraction of a degree better than the usual garbage.
#basically lately anytime i read a christian fiction book that isn't romance-based i find myself surprised by the quality#i do think that some christian publishers are getting better#and trying to tell stories that dig deeper into real faith and messy issues#instead of making only vapid squeaky clean prayer-filled tropefests#but i'm not sure *how much* better#because anything above the low bar feels like great literature#the most recent is 'in a far-off land' by stephanie landsem#and let me tell you setting the prodigal son in 1930s hollywood is a genius concept#i have some issues with the history and the mystery#but the characters!#it has been a long time since i cried this hard over a book#several chapters of solid waterworks#(and i also have the issue of figuring out if it's actually that moving or if i'm just hormonal/sleep-deprived)#i keep thinking about this book but also i worry about recommending because what if it's actually terrible by normal book standards?#(also the author DOES NOT understand the seal of confession and i was SHOCKED to find that she's actually catholic)#but also looking at the reviews makes it clear that if most of christian fiction is vapid garbage it's these reviewers' fault#here you have something that's digging into sin and darkness and justice and mercy and these people are just#'how can it call itself christian fiction if it only mentions god at the end?'#are we reading the same book this WHOLE THING is about god! and humanity and our fallen nature and how this breaks relationships!#your pearl-clutching anytime someone tries to get even a tiny bit realistic is destroying this genre#i'm gonna run out of tags so i'll stop now
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Jitterbug
#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it#and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago#bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o)#well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall#im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot#i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing????#i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T#because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks#at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better#its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh#in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats#mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year#i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o)#THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o(#yapping#my art#myart#doodles#personal#diary
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i’m so overwhelmed by things that shouldn’t be overwhelming...
#among them‚ i’ve fallen behind on drscula dauly for the first time this year and it’s stressing me out cuz i really really wanted to keep up#this year that was the one goal i had for the year is keep up with it. last year i fell way behind when my brother died and it was so hard#catching up and the entry on the 30th was a little longer than they’ve been recently and i’ve been busy and also slipping back into depressi#on real bad and i’m just not in the mood for it and i feel like it’s just gonna snowball#and this is such a non issue. it’s a book. that i’ve read before. but still it’s just stressing me out. among other things#like library books that are overdue and i haven’t finished or journal entries i want to write or a letter i’ve been wanting so badly to writ#e and a short story idea that i wanted to write down but is escaping me and fucking. tumblr notifications#these are non issues!!! but it feels like there’s a timer for the world to end again all the same.#ugh#and i should be able to focus on one thing and get it done! these things shouldn’t be hard! they’re even meant to be enjoyable! but i can’t#get myself to do anything lately#and on top of all that i’m not able to fall asleep even with my sleep meds.#what even ever‚‚‚#anyway sorry for the rant i’m basically fine
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for so long all I wanted to do was die but now that I'm older, all I worry about is dying too soon. too soon to experience all the things I didn't give myself time for when I was young. I don't want to spend these years overthinking what time I have left
#[static]#wild how the brain shifts#i want to live i want to experience everything i can and i never thought i'd make it this long#my brain has done a 180 and it's always on the back of my mind (and sometimes the front) that i could die in the blink of an eye#im not scared of death but i am scared of not having lived#my ptsd/ocd combo has been pummeling me lately and i feel like im sometimes at a breakthrough where ive figured out a way-#-to stop being scared ... to just allow myself to live without the what ifs.#i do it in practice but the reality is that no matter how nonchallant and down to earth I appear in real life-#-my brain is picking apart the resolve i've carefully put together for myself#it's like constantly picking at a wound that's begun to heal and i cant get myself to stop#it's Exhausting having to continuously catch ones self from falling further back down the hole your younger self dug#im finally living as the person i always wanted to be and nothing can take that from me even if it were to all come crashing down tomorrow#but im still not used to the stability so that's why my brain does what it does best#what's three or four years of stability to decades of being in fight or flight ... it will take time and it's hard work#but i know with time it will be worth it and i wont remember the dread in the back of my skull every time i experience happiness#i'll just remember the days as they were ... and they are wonderful#just needed to vent for a moment! mental health is such a surly thing
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a large amount of time I've been spending on -untitled undefined scope original fiction project- since the last time I posted about it has been trying to develop the protagonist concept I came up with last summer or whatever into like, a character that would feel real and era appropriate.
it's fun research to do. naturally a lot of the details I assigned to her are things that I already think are cool, so it's been a lot of fun trying to trace her traits back through the relatively recent past, getting reminded of how much things have changed, or where the gaps in my intuition are, and then doing a flurry of reading to get a sense for exactly how someone like her and the people around her could have happened and what her life was probably like leading up to her present day. hopefully this results in some good good verisimilitude.
#I wrote a short story from her perspective over the holidays and then didn't know how to continue it#and then I got distracted by real life stuff for a few months#I forget if I posted about that#and then I've been picking through archive dot org for the last few weeks looking at this stuff#the last big rabbit hole was trying to get a better feel for era appropriate ts/tv subculture#the current one I'm looking at is how she would've gotten into language learning and how that would've worked#nettle has been prodding me about the setting thing lately so I've been thinking about that more too#probably the biggest hurdle by far is figuring out how I want to play that#and how I want the thing to be divided up#since the original coc scenario I'm developing this out of is centered on a flight from LA to honolulu#and the airport dungeon was definitely meant to be a hook for a larger campaign#some amount of it is going to cover protag lady's failed life in LA and some of it is going to be worse things happening in hawaii#but it's like. how much do I want to balance it one way or the other#and realistically how much does the aesthetics of 20th century air travel add to the story#besides me personally thinking it's compelling ofc#a lot of what I find compelling about hawaii is that it's an east/west cultural crossroads and realistically that's also true of socal#and I can wax poetic about socal as much as I want without worrying all that much about mishandling something#and there's also a lot of socal specific history along similar parallels to pull from that I'm more familiar with#I guess it comes down to whether curiosity re: 'doing it right' is enough of a motivator to do the increased amount of research#which I guess it has so far with the above character details. so hopefully that will continue#but it also feels like using machine translation a bit yknow. it's hard to know how effectively I'll be able to sanity check#although depending on where this goes I might be able to get other people involved to sensitivity read down the line#with most of the creative things I do I just have a tendency to always rely really heavily on figuring things out myself#I also want protag lady to have a Cool Car and idk how to get that from point a to point b narratively#this is like an entire second or third post's worth of tags but I don't feel like unfucking this so whatever. suffer. I guess.
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Oh fuck me fuckme fuck me
#I'm going to start killing people#I need SLEEPY TYLENOL NOWWWWWWW#Mfer laying in bed for 8 hours full awake 🫠 eyes shut. Brain. ACTIVE#IM TRYING SO HARD TO SLEEP JUST BE UNCONSCIOUS#Too late now#Fuck me I have to be aware enough to not kill everybody in this vehicle#Mfing murder nightmare too what the fuck#Set the scene: YouTuber wedding#The man in charge of filming is an asshole to the minimum wage people working there#Like real mean. And one meek guy tries to tell the groom but the groom is kinda a dismissive asshole about it bc he's already paid the guy#So it's too late now. Meek guy keeps getting disrespected and storms out to the parking lot to just leave#Woman who has been witnessing this apparently is gonna kill on meek guys behalf. He does not want this#Woman gets into a fucked up death machine car and drives it into the groom#But not like. Runs him over. There's a fucking saw blade on the front that starts cutting through the bottom of his torso#He was screaming a lot. I'm not sure if he survived or not. But the atmosphere was not fun#Very muddy desaturated colors. Very wet and musty feeling. It was like almost a parking garage#I don't think I'll ever have a dream as scary as the um time-looping cannibal beach dream#But this was just the delightful cherry of not being able to sleep at fucking. ALL .#Literally cried I'm so distressed about not being able to control anything about myself rn#Hhhhh :(((#3rd night in a row I've slept like shit
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(Reading my own old journal entries) damn this bitch getting me
#like man. fuckign obviously the journal entries YOU wrote about YOUR FEELINGS are going to be raw n vulnerable to YOU#its LITERALLY YOU#'10th november 2023. ohinderr has been on my mind a lot lately. its no wonder why' OKAY#other than that featurign me being particularly homosex about my partner#'ive made a wolf that believes it to be a dog. a wild animal that cant understand why it isnt loved in the same ways other dogs are'#'and i was so naive to think i didnt put a bit of myself into him. i always do' Man.............sickening lines if you ignore real life#like sometimes when the entries get particularly venty my writing goes so hard for no reason#'i do not know how to leave the terror behind' okay ..... ignoring EVERYTHING ELSE thats a really good line#'my own devotion sickens me' WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ???
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Being incredibly social and thriving in a company of literally anyone pleasant enough to talk to and also having an extreme social anxiety is not an easy work but somebody has to fucking do it
#don't you love feeling physically sick when you just embarrassed a bit. or your message in a group chat hasnt been noticed by anyone#i sure do#i just love company and having dialogue so so much#i love talking#when im having a chat with my mate i just put aside everything and i just spend like 40 minutes just talking to them and nothing else#and i love hanging out#but having social anxiety makes it extremely fucking hard to ask anyone to hang out#but nobody fucking asks me to hang out and i know like that people are busy#but when i force myself to finally ask someone its so easy to arrange a meeting and we have such a nice time and then it repeats#fucking clawing and biting my way out of my extreme anxiety every other week to just like go to a museum. on a walk#love hanging out too much for my own good#shitpost#anxiety#social anxiety#also like. discord servers my beloathed. im trying so hard. but there are always so much going on i just cant#honestly im just trying so hard lately to be more social#but god forgive its so fucking hard holy shit 🙏 Literally sweating crying throwing up trying to write a message first#or like join some social event and then actually be social in it#fucking. struggle on earth man. what the fuck for real
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:D
#hmmm#cant bring myself to tell my best friends about the person ive been seeing for like 2 months#im just scared it'll not work out if i tell them#or like they'll put pressure on it going “well”#also i guess it makes it real when i tell them#but it's also hard to explain my life lately without tewlling them that#and omitting so many things of my life to thyem is so weird???#also afraid how my girl best friend will react as in like how she will feel abt her own situation#idk idk idk idk
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whatever man . started therapy i guess
#i feel like i've been so inactive here lately but i'm probably imagine it#not gonna lie it's been hard to keep in touch with reality this past week lmaooo keep having to remind myself that i am a real person#*imagining uuhhhghhhhh
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I’m the type that can and will cry if think too hard <3
#random post#me tag ∠( ᐛ 」 ) |/#I’m not an overly emotional person in the stereotypical way. but I do get in my feels when thinking about life and the experience of living#I’m like. constantly explaining things to myself cus there’s never really a time or place to talk about it#also my method of explaining things is very not coherent sometimes. so it takes me a bit to really get my point across in a comprehensible#way. I’m a big thinker. I have many thoughts and ideas a views. a daily thing of mine is noticing problems#and then fixing them in my head with thought out explanations and motives and outcomes#it’s like I’m talking to someone else. much like how I format my text posts. that’s how my inner monologue is#me talking to myself is actually me talking to someone else. someone that isn’t real#anyways it’s a daily occurrence. every day of my life is spent with thoughts similar to those breaking down a movie#lots of thoughts from adhd. compulsive thoughts from ocd. overwhelming thoughts from autism. distressing thoughts from bpd#ya. this isn’t a vent I just need to like. see the thoughts in writing so I can do smth else. like eat this muffin ive been staring at for#over an hour now <3 mmmbfbg yea muffins are hard to eat now cus I had some with mold and food mold especially is a big nono for me#spend like. five minutes examining the damn thing before I even consider taking a bite. I’m very hungry an thirsty </3#when your mouth is so dry you can taste your own mouth 👍 I’m experiencing#nothing in particular. just experiencing. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like having an experience and living#drank my tea and I had like. hallucinations of like an alcohol prep pad. I’ve been using those in my ear cus. tmi. had a pimple that’s#causing problems so mom suggested that. it burned! which means it worked so word. I’ve noticed lately that both me AND my family have been#using ‘word’ a lot. dad says we’ve been saying it but no we haven’t. if we had I’d have BEEN saying it. maybe we’ve used it before for a bit#but now it’s back. idk. I’ve said it in class on more than one occasion lmao I don’t look like the type to say smth like that but whatever#it’s like when I used to say bro after every sentence like 10 years ago lol. we’re a family of parrots we repeat eachother a lot#I started saying I love you out of no where and they started doing it too. we whistle at eachother from across the house. sing ear worms#together. quote funny things at every opportunity and drive the joke into the ground. everyone in this house is a different kind of mentally#I’ll and it’s the most beautiful clash of personalities because we’re all so annoying and we love eachother so much and also our#communication is shit because some ppl have hearing loss and another is a short fused child and some are quick to interrupt and some dont#get a word in and some just can’t explain and some can’t understand. we get there eventually at some point. we don’t get the full grasp of#how much we love eachother yet. but we’re gettin there. anyways this went into several different directions but they’re all good ones#I think. if you read all this good on you! this is my brain 24/7/365 haha ok love you
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whoever the anon is that constantly finds a way to hate on elaine, please stop 😭 you’re entitled to dislike whoever you want, but it’s getting tiring to hear. i don’t want to block you because the other things you say are perfectly reasonable and i would be happy to answer them, but it’s clear at this point that nothing elaine does will satisfy you so i see no point in hashing it out
#i've been getting some messages that make me uncomfortable lately (not all from the same person i don't think)#and i feel really bad putting my foot down because i never want to alienate someone who's taking the time to read my story#so i just want to repeat again that everyone is entitled to their own opinion#and i love hearing all varieties of opinions but please please keep it respectful!!#this isn't a tv show forum where you can rant and rave without the creator ever seeing it#unfortunately i see it all 😅#and i try not to take it to heart but i do put a lot of myself and my loved ones into these characters#so it's hard to hear such strong hatred for a personality trait that i have or my best friend has. etc#PLEASE continue to discuss each character's flaws and decisions though!! all i ask is that you keep it respectful#and remember that while these characters are not real.. many real people might relate to them#okay sorry for this ramble i feel like i repeated myself 10 times here lmao
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omg my momma got me my very own car yippee!!
#personal#my face#kind of#YES im nearly 30 and i still learning to drive listen i had shit to do!!!#this is MY car.... my baby... 🥹#it has a hand clutch instead of the stupid foot clutch.. and and i can see over the steering wheel!! im so short ive always had to reach aa#my mom and step-dad got it for me bc they noticed how depressed i have been lately and how much i isolate myself#so this was motivation to have more independance and not feel ball and chain to the house#which is soooo nice listen i cried over this car it was a surprise and i criiieeed they said they want me to feel loved and important waaah#my bio-father would never do shit like this its so wild to have a dad that cares about me and looks out for me 🥺🥺#THE TRAUMA HEALING IS A LONG TEDIOUS AND HARD ROAD BUT IT IS REAL BABY#im so happppyyy~~~ i feel so dorky looking at it i keep going outaide to sit in it like thats MINE thats MY BABY#sorry this is dumb im just emotional and i feel so loved and its hard but im learning to trust again and ugh its just really nice yknow 🥺#the car is a metaphor for GROWTH AND LOVE !!!!!!#also never thought i would have a diahatsu ive always been a toyota girlie but i can make an exceptions#also yes there are stickers all over it it was my cool bipolar aunts car prior to me#also also yeah feet i dont care look at em all u like free dog show for the freaks in the back
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#I think weed has been giving me anxiety lately#I’ve been so busy and away from home my smoking schedule is super thrown off#I like smoking less#sometimes I feel self conscious if I smoke a lot through the day#I remember my dreams better when I smoke less#which is bittersweet#I like dreaming#or being able to remember them#but they’re always so stressful#and then I feel silly for having shit dreams#I’ve been dreaming about work recently and the people close to me#I just want to wake up feeling better than the night before but it’s so far from the opposite#tbh today probs wouldn’t have been so hard if I’d just had a bowl#definitely don’t need any other vices though#brb gotta go make myself cry to tire myself out#I don’t think I have the time or energy to smoke and let that make me sleepy#goodnight forever for real this time lol#personal
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