#but having social anxiety makes it extremely fucking hard to ask anyone to hang out

[jestroer]

Being incredibly social and thriving in a company of literally anyone pleasant enough to talk to and also having an extreme social anxiety is not an easy work but somebody has to fucking do it

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for giving a random guy my friend's phone number?

(🍫📲 to find later)

I (22 NB/F) was working one day at my place of work by going around and putting various items for sale where they belong in the store, as well as taking out the recycling. As I was making my way up to the front of the store so I could go to break, this older gentleman needed help reaching something. I helped him pull it down, but before I continued I was stopped by this other kid. He had a healthy-looking emo haircut and wardrobe, so I didn't think too much about it at the time. I kid you not, his eyes were big and wide like some kind of bishounen anime (idk if I spelled that right). Literally looked straight out of one almost, he reminded me of an excited puppy too.

"Hello! Do you need help with something?"

"Uh- actually, I was wondering if I could have your Snapchat?"

I was completely gobsmacked.

"Uh- I don't have a snap chat." A lie, but only because my snap is exclusively for my BFFEAE (Best Friend For Ever And Ever). I don't pass it out to my coworkers, family, or any other friends. Just her.

"Can I have your number then?"

Usually guys don't like. Spend this long on me. I'm Demiromantic and Asexual, and for those who don't know, that means I have no interest in having sex with anyone and have no interest in dating anyone but close friends. I never thought I'd be in this situation. Ever. The idea of anyone asking me out of the fucking blue for this is so far out of left field for my expectations that I was just staring awkwardly at him for a moment.

"... unless... age is an issue?"

"Ah- no, I am 22, but I'm just not interested in a relationship right now."

And it's the truth, honestly. My mental health has been a rollercoaster of emotions and schedules that I've been struggling to maintain for months. I did have one at the beginning of the year, but dropped it because I realized I couldn't trust my lover (he was extremely conservative, and I had to hide a lot of my life from him, but it was nice while it lasted honestly. Broke up on good terms).

"That's okay. Maybe we can just hang out sometime or something."

I'll be honest, I haven't been in good health to try a brand new friendship with a complete stranger either (I have horrid social anxiety to the point where I am basically a shit in hermit, and with everything going on in my life I don't think I can handle pushing my anxiety well).

Now, years ago, when me and my BFFEAE first moved to different states, we agreed that we could use each other's phone numbers to give out if we couldn't handle it or just wanted the guy to leave us alone. We have each other permission to pretend to be each other for it, that way they're more likely to listen thinking it's you saying "no thanks" instead of her friend saying "get off her back".

So in the span of ten seconds, because this kid was really sweet and I was still pretty shocked this was even happening, I was giving my friend's number to this sparkly-eyed kid (idk how old he was but I assumed he was younger than me, that's just my natural assumption honestly) and continued on with my work day. I told him a semi-common nickname of mine instead of my actual name bc my name is hard to spell and I didn't feel like putting much time into it.

Of course, immediately after I called my friend up and left her a message saying I passed her to this really sweet kid and to be kind with him (she's a protective mama bear kind of person) but that I simply wasn't interested and didn't have the right mindspace for a new anything.

Fast forward to when I get off work and check in with my friend, she and the kid had been chatting back and forth. Apparently he was into drugs (I have sensory issues and can't handle that kind of thing, so I feel like I've actually dodged a bullet) but was getting along really well with her otherwise. We got chatting about it when I confirmed that I'm not open to hanging out with him and that as long as she's kind and doesn't try to set me up with him or anything, I'm fine with her discussing whatever with him.

"I get it girl, we all get like that for a time. I'll keep it away from ya.

By the way, he thought you gave him a random number. He was SOO excited when I responded as you lol"

I felt absolutely sick and was horrified. I figured he would have been like "sick", but apparently he had been like "FUCK YEAH". I feel horrible for deceiving him like this, but I genuinely am in no spot where I can mentally handle picking up a new friendship, much less a romantic relationship. It doesn't help that he genuinely caught me off guard, and passing him her number was my first response to handling it.

Am I the asshole for doing this?

What are these acronyms?

[father-time-and-baby-new-year]

alphabet boy II

SYNOPSIS: college AU. Armin, your brilliant tutor, invites you over to his house for some studying. Naturally, you're nervous and he seems to be giving you a reason to be.

PAIRING: SCUMBAG!Tutor Armin x FEM!Reader

WARNINGS: half edited, noncon/dubcon, fingering, non-penetrative sexual content. gaslighting, manipulating,

A/N: really need the motivation to write again and I've been slacking on my multi-parters so here's a somewhat highly anticipated one. Armin fuckers, this is for you. non-Armin fuckers, I hope this converts you

WORD COUNT: 2.0k

II. I.

“You’re not paying attention.”

You feel his voice right by the shell of your ear, and the proximity nearly makes you reel back in surprise but you manage to catch yourself.

“S-sorry” You apologize, wishing you didn’t stutter.

The thing is you’re just really out of your element. This is the first time you’ve been to Armin’s house for personal tutoring, and it was hard to focus on the material when his presence was so distracting.

It wasn’t like you were fantasizing about him or anything [well…]-you always tried to banish those thoughts as soon as it came. But still, being alone with an attractive boy with a disarming charm was causing some jitters. You felt like a shy middle schooler, on edge and jittery.

The last tutoring session in the library when he [basically] called you stupid plagued your mind. The memory of him feeling up your thighs lived in your head rent-free.

“Let’s take a break.” He sighs. Your heart drops at the noise of disappointment but you suppose it’s what you deserve.

You push your laptop lightly aside on the table, the bleak light straining your eyes, and ask for the bathroom. You just wanted to freshen up and be alone for a few seconds. The bathroom is meticulously clean, something even you knew was unexpected for a boy. You looked at yourself through the spotless mirror, scrutinizing every flaw.

You sigh, fiddling with your dress collar. Why you had tried dressing pretty for a boy so out of your league, he may as well be in Mars--you didn’t know.

When you return, there is a tall glass of lemonade waiting for you.

“Thought you might be thirsty.”

It’s a simple gesture that makes you blush so you thank him earnestly. Like the gentleman he is, he assures you it’s no problem. Not wanting to prolong the awkward silence, you compliment his apartment, “This is a really nice place. So much light and space.”

You’re babbling but he engages you regardless, and you two are mindlessly discussing the benefits of living at off-campus housing over dorming. His words are pleasant but there’s a sinking feeling within you as you notice he’s bored. Or maybe distracted was a better word.

“So, do you have a boyfriend? Or anyone you’re seeing?”

You nearly choke at the question uttered through a buttery voice.

“Oh um, not really.”

“Not really?”

You made a mental note to answer in definitives. Armin seemed the type to snuff out anything he reasoned as half-truths.

“No. I uh, don’t have a boyfriend.” And then you clarified a pin-drop later, “And I’m not seeing anyone either.”

The blond hums a playful tune that’s vaguely nostalgic.

“Have you ever had a boyfriend?”

You don’t understand the point of this line of incessant questioning, and can’t calm your heart rate.

“I-um, I don’t-“

Taking one look at your serious face, eyes rimmed with worry and cheeks pink, he laughs. It’s a startling sound like bell chimes.

“Relax. I just wanted to know if you had any experience.”

The sentence flies out of your mouth before you can even ponder it: “What do you mean by experience?”

It’s not his fault if he can’t hide the feral grin that crosses his mouth right at that moment. You can’t discern his expression as you’re staring at anywhere but him, so you don’t notice the uncontained excitement that glimmers in cerulean eyes.

“Let’s move to the couch. You’ll be more comfortable there.”

You think about saying that you’re fine wherever you are and didn’t really feel like changing positions, but he’s already striding towards the couch. So you start packing up the materials, before a clear voice calls out to you, “It’s okay. You don’t have to bring all that. Just bring your flashcards.”

You hoped that wouldn’t mean he’d quiz you, but that’s exactly what he meant to do.

“Law of diminishing returns.”

“Wait! I know that one!” You brightly exclaimed, “ Uhh..it gives way to the catch-up effect which means poor countries tend to grow more rapidly and they’ll one day essentially catch up with wealthier economies.”

The blond ran his hand through his hair before sighing. You could feel your heart drop. You were sure you were right. Was your answer wrong enough to cause exasperation?

“Stick with the formal definition next time. I didn’t ask for the theory based on the law.”

You pouted, and Armin couldn’t help but relish in how eagerly you sought his approval, like a puppy performing tricks to appease their master.

“You should sit closer. Can you even see the word?”

You moved closer to him, knees knocking into each other. He looks down at the completed set.

“Well, you didn’t do as bad as I expected.” Ouch. But maybe he meant it as a compliment?

“But,” the corners of his mouth curled, “I’d say you’re still struggling.” Never mind.

“T-this is a new chapter though. I don’t think we’ve even gone over it in class.”

Blue eyes narrow, and you wonder if he’s going to give the well-meaning spiel about how staying ahead was the only way to keep up. That mantra may work for someone with high ambitions and an extremely good work ethic but you were no well-oiled machine. You had other classes too!

“Why are you so defensive?”

Your eyes widen in surprise at the question, spoken so softly and casually, you almost miss the disdained lilt.

“Oh uh-“

“Listen to me. I quizzed you so I’m able to assert your skill level. And your response to my assertion is that it’s something you haven’t gone over in class yet. Do those things relate to each other at all?”

Meekly, you shift your attention to the rug.

“Answer me.”

“N-no”, you squeaked.

“And what have I always told you? The only way to keep up is to-“

“Stay ahead.” You finished, “I’m sorry, I just-“

“Did I say you could interrupt me?”

You could feel the blood rushing to your ears, unsure when the atmosphere had shifted. Your heartbeat was beating rapidly and you could feel your body go warm.

He sighed, and placed a hand over over your folded ones, squeezing your palms.

“You know I’m just looking out for you right? It almost feels like you don’t care-“

“No!” You exclaim, “I-I do.” Heat pools into your cheeks once you realize your grave mistake, “I-I’m sorry for interrupting you.”

The blond smiles radiantly and it nearly melts away all of your worries…until he opens his mouth to deliver another damning remark.

“You know, with your looks…you don’t really even have to graduate. Maybe choose an easy major and then get some rich husband to take care of you.” There’s a distinct lack of humor in his tone as if he wholeheartedly believed every word he was saying.

Your eyebrows furrow in blatant confusion, and in the back of your mind, danger signs are flashing at the back of your head. Your thighs are growing warmer. Oh no, this could not be happening right now.

“That’s what most girls’ dreams are anyways.” He inspects his spotless nails, “You chose this class because Ackerman’s attractive right? That’s why his class has such a high drop rate…silly girls join, not understanding how harsh of a grader he is.”

You open your mouth to defend yourself but the next inflammatory remark he spews almost sends you to shock, “Though I bet, if you got on your knees for him, you’d be getting an A on those finals.” He laughs as if he was saying something particularly amusing, an undercurrent of spite coloring his words, “You wouldn’t even need me as your tutor.”

There are a million things on the tip of your tongue but no voice to speak them out. You want to ask him why he’s been so weirdly invasive, what his weird hang-up with professor Ackerman was, and of course, the casual sexism was really throwing you in a loop. Still, you have no doubt Armin could beat you to a bloody pulp several times over in a verbal lashing, and your mind was too fragile to deal with this.

You’ll sign up for a new tutor or better yet no tutor. You’ll get over your social anxiety and join a study group. You’ll go to all of Professor Ackerman’s office hours. Anything had to be better than this. You’re giving yourself this pep talk in your head but there’s no denying that your legs feel warm, and the self-improvement speech is withering away in your mind as it seeks to instead process how Armin fucking Arltert is touching you right now.

He pins you against the cushions, one hand locking both of your wrists. You’re shaking but your pupils are blown out wide.

He smirks, “There’s an excellent stress reliever for studying you know.”

You limp in his hold but the cocky attitude behind his words brings you back. You thrash under him, earning an annoyed growl from the blond.

“I’ve been so fucking patient with you, you know? Planning out your study guides, sharing my notes with you, proofreading homework, going over the mock exams—don’t you think I deserve a little compensation?”

“I-I’m sorry.”

He's right. He's right. Armin actually has done so much for you. Maybe it was too easy to take for granted because of how efficient he was, and how he acted like it was nothing. But right now, nothing really was everything.

He smiles. Yeah, this is who you were. Add just a little bit of pressure and you crumble. That flash of bravery from before was nothing but a petulant outburst from a child who didn’t know any better.

Armin coos, “Isn’t it a little embarrassing to be a virgin at your age?”

With unbridled precision, while he’s still holding your lower body down with the weight of his legs, he unbuckles his belt and ties it around your strained wrists. Red fills your face, and like always, you’re struggling to find the right words to respond. To say anything at all. Most of all, you can feel a wetness building at your core.

“I know the way you look at me, you know.” He kisses the dip of your neck, slender fingers splayed from under your shirt, “I know you’re into this.”

And because he is a scientist who must have evidence to back up his hypothesis, his hands find themselves under the waistband of your floral skirt that you foolishly wore, pushing the cure pastel underwear aside. You’re writhing in his grasp but maybe not as much as you should be, but it’s not your fault your movements are sluggish right?

“You have such a funny habit of not deleting your windows and keeping your bookmarks open.”

You freeze.

“This entire time I thought you were some prudish virgin even though you dress like a whore. Someone with who I had to be gentle. But all that fucking porn you read? Nasty. Is that why you need help in this class?” He punctuates slowly, "Because you're wasting your brain for something else?"

Immediately, you remember how you left your laptop on the table. You remember how many times he used your computer to double-check the notes, and you trustingly let him, forgetting that despite deleting your tabs, the hidden windows of steamy erotica were not yet erased out of their existence. Embarrassment violently paints your body.

He doesn’t wait or care for your response as he starts a vigorous assault on your clit with his slender finger, rubbing up and down in a vicious manner. The second finger prods at your entrance, feeling a tight cavern despite the amount of slick collected. Your eyes roll back in pleasure-is this what being with someone is like?

Stop. Get a hold of yourself. Why are you so fucking horny right now? It doesn’t matter what Armin said about you or how he called you out for the fiction you’ve read, because this is real life. But Christ, it’s Armin, the boy you’ve had a crush on since the moment he explained to you what a marginal abasement curve was. Stupidly handsome Armin with a gentle voice and too-blue oceanic eyes. Stupidly handsome Armin who coerced you into being under him.

You’re so fucking warm and tight, and Armin can’t wait to sink himself inside of you, can’t wait to humiliate you further. With nimble fingers he untied the ribbons of your dress like you were a Christmas present, groping your soft mounds and marking up your collarbone with teeth and tongue. Crystalline tears roll down the side of your face. You really shouldn’t be crying when you’re this wet.

“So fucking funny how you can’t look at me in the eye when we have a conversation but you read the filthiest fucking smut I’ve ever seen.”

taglist: @candy-hime

[finelinevogue]

Thanks can you write something about one of the kids getting hate online from jealous people and how it affects them and what Harry and Y/N do

hello!! so this one is going to be about isabelle getting hate (😔), which you will find out why. i’m also changing the age gaps between them because it’s so hard to write with larger age gaps. so here isabelle is 16, felix is 19 and oli is 21!!

“Mum!”

You had been busy ironing the clothes downstairs, whilst watching ‘Call the Midwife’ on the TV, when you heard Felix shouting you from upstairs.

“What?” You shouted back, moving from the lounge to the bottom of the stairs to hear better.

“I think you should see this.”

When your children say things like this you either roll your eyes when you find out they wanted to show you a meme, or panic because some rumour has been spread all over the internet of them.

“Just hang on a minute!” Your attention diverted to the front door being opened harshly. Everyone else was already home but Belle, so it must’ve been her. It was a Wednesday today and Belle always had study group in the library after-school on a Wednesday, although today she was back a little earlier than normal.

You moved the latch off the porch door and opened it to welcome Belle home, watching as she threw off her high-top converse aggressively.

“Hiya love, you alr—” You didn’t get to finish before you saw that her eyes were red and puffy, tears streaming down her face like a cascading waterfall. Her mascara was smudged and made it look like she hadn’t slept for weeks. “Woah, hey, Belle?”

Belle didn’t listen to you though, instead she stormed past and ran up the stairs and a minute later you heard her bedroom door slam shut.

What the fuck was that about?

“Minute too late mum!” Felix shouted again, making you roll your eyes in annoyance. However, it did confirm that something had happened to Belle on social media or over the internet and you had to get Harry on top of this now.

You walked down the stairs, into your basement - which Harry had converted into a sound-proof studio - and saw him sat with a guitar on his lap and pencil between his teeth, playing around with chords on repeat.

“Babe?” You knocked on the door as you spoke, Harry looking up from where he was sat to you and smiling as bright as ever.

“You alright love?” He asked sweetly, taking the pencil out of his mouth first.

“I am yeah, but Belle’s just come home crying and shut herself in her room.” You furrowed your eyebrows, trying to work through everything that had happened and wondering whether you’d done something or not done something.

Harry instantly got to his feet, putting everything down so that he could come over to you. He placed his warm hands on your cheeks and kissed your lips once just because, “I know what you’re thinking, so stop it. Something’s probably happened at school. Let me go talk to her, okay?” You nodded in agreement and sighed in thanks.

Belle had always been more of a daddy’s girl than a mommy’s girl, and that was okay. It just meant that she was more open to her feelings and her heart with her dad than you, not to say she never talked to you about things like that. Harry always filled you in on things, though, and would prompt you to talk to her if he thought extremely necessary. Belle liked to work things out by herself normally, not liking to be a burden to anyone - a lot like you actually.

Harry walked out of the room and climbed the stairs two at a time until he made it outside Belle’s room. He knocked before entering, but Belle made no sound for him to enter.

“Belles?” Harry asked softly, shutting the door and walking over to her bed which she was curled up on. She had obviously flopped on the bed and began crying, because there was no sign of effort to get under the covers or get comfortable.

“D-dad?” She mumbled roughly, her choked sobs holding her back.

“Yes sweetheart, i’m here.” Harry sat down on the edge of her bed and sat their patiently. He didn’t want to invade her space or make her feel claustrophobic, so he waited for her to come to him and that didn’t take long. She sprang up and hugged him with her head buried against her dad’s chest, sobbing so violently that Harry’s heart cracked in two. He hated to see his baby cry. It was his biggest weakness.

Belle made an attempt to speak but Harry couldn’t understand due to the shear heaviness of her cries.

“Belles, y’gotta calm down for me, my heart. Gotta breathe it out before you make yourself sick.” He smoothed his hand over the back of her hair, like he’d always done. Her breathing ever-so-slowly coming back down to a normal and healthy pace. “That’s it, thank you.” He kissed the top of her head and held her tightly still.

“Dad?” She shakily started.

“Yes love.”

“Do y-you know?” She sat up so she could face her dad, bur Harry didn’t let his hands leave hers.

“Know what, sweetheart?”

Harry genuinely didn’t know and Belle could see that in his honest, kind, eyes.

“T-that…” Belle started tearing up again, her bottom lip wobbling like sailors legs.

“Hey, calm down. You’re okay. Breathe and then talk to me, okay?” Harry ordered her, not caring if this took all night. He was here for his baby girl whenever and wherever, no exceptions. If she didn’t ever tell him, that was okay as long as he helped her build up her happiness again. A few deep breaths later and she was feeling more comfortable.

“I..,” she paused momentarily to collect her words before letting them flow out beautifully, “i’m gay dad.”

Warmth spread through Harry’s heart as if he were torch that’d just been set alight. He could only put the way he felt into one word; proud. He was so proud that his daughter was turning into the loving and open and beautiful woman she was always born to be. He was also just so happy that she had the confidence in him to tell him something so important to her.

“I’m so proud of you, Belle.”

“Really?” She sounded surprised, which made Harry take a step back in confusion.

“Yes of course,” Harry squeezed her hand just a little tighter, “have I ever given you a reason to think otherwise?”

“No.”

“Then where’s this doubt coming from hey?”

Belle began to cry again at his question.

“T-the media found out and i-it’s been published everywhere a-and I w-was worried I wouldn’t b-be able to tell you myself b-before they could. They’re being s-so rude too.” Her cries broke Harry all over again. As much as he was proud of her for coming out so bravely, he was incredibly pissed off that the media thought it was there business to pass around before Belle was even comfortable admitting it first. It’s Belle’s right to come out when she wants and how she wants and Harry could understand how frustrating and upsetting that must be to have it all taken away. He had to keep calm for Belle though, pulling her back into his chest to hold her safely.

“What are they saying?”

Anger bubbled through Harry’s veins as she began to speak.

“That i’m only gay to promote the values you stand for or that you’ll be disappointed that not all your children are straight.”

Harry’s fingers curled at her words, not understanding how much of a low-life you have to be to genuinely type and publish these things about a child, let alone his child. He was furious and he was going to burn - metaphorically - the people responsible for this abuse.

“How did they find out?”

Instead of her saying anything she pulled up a picture of the article online - released by ‘The Sun’ unsurprisingly as they were the worst for paparazzi stalking - and it all started to piece together.

The article headlined a picture of Belle and another girl, kissing outside of school. The study group mustn’t have been exclusively studying. Harry didn’t focus on the shitty article, he instead focused on how the smile on Belle’s face was the widest he’d ever seen.

“You look very happy.” Harry tried to make light of the situation for his daughter.

“I am. They make me very happy.” Belle blushed and Harry caught on.

“And they’re called?”

“Megan.”

“Megan,” Harry repeated the name, getting a feel for the way it sounded for future use, “well they seem lovely.”

“Dad you’ve only seen them through a picture of us kissing.” Belle rolled her eyes and Harry reached out to dab the tears away, not minding that his sleeve was becoming heavily damp.

“Shut up you,” he laughed causing a smile to leap onto Belles face too, “do we get to meet them?”

“Hopefully,” Belle smiles, before looking down to her lap with furrowed brows, “that is, if they still like me after this whole media shambles.” Belle let out a breathe of shaky air and Harry caught her anxiety before she could let herself run off with it.

“Let me take care of that, don’t worry yourself over it, okay?” Belle nodded.

“Do I have to make like a statement or anything?”

“You do whatever you want to, Belles, and i’ll love you no matter what.”

And with that Harry left the room, a smile on his face for feeling like the proudest most happiest parent on the planet. It only lasted a few minutes though, because now it was time to make some phone calls and sue a few people.

[infested-tea]

Bakusquad LGBT Headcanons

Whoops... haven’t posted in a while... whoops.

Anyway, for this I decided some Bakusquad gay hc. And maybe some shipping lmao. Now, BakuKiri is valid but I prefer TodoBaku. But both are great. For this imma go with TodoBaku and KiriDenki because preference. Also, if anyone starts fighting about ships in comments I’m coming for you toes.

Anyway, enjoy!

Katsuki Bakugo

This boy....

Oh god this boy

Three syllables

DISASTER

Oh yeah he’s gay

Gay disaster

Very angrily a disaster

Bakugo strikes me as a tsundere. As he does for everybody

But combined with his... tendencies...

He becomes a walking balm of internalized gay anger

He fears being outed because homophobia is fun

But since all of Class 1-A knows, they just don’t say anything

Only openly out to the Bakusquad, and Todoroki

Like I said, dating Todoroki

Or Kirishima depending on how I feel

Either way, he is a clingy, angry tsundere with both

Will avidly defend his friends and himself or anyone from any kind of bigotry

Very... passionate... lgbt supporter

May or may not have cried the night he came out to the bakusquad. Both before and after. And may or may not have been happy tears.

Also the kind of person who screams at you to die while absolutely showering you in love and trying to make you feel like the most valid person ever. But does it in his usual Bakugo tsundere way.

He has hit everyone in the Bakusquad and his boyfriend with their respective flags while shouting vaguely threatening words of love and validation at them. This has happened to everyone at least once. Todoroki, Jirou, and Denki are the most common victims.

Also. Trans Bakugo deserves rights

When it comes to being trans, Bakugo has no issue with it

Neither do his parents

But like with him being a filthy gay degen- *gets exploded* OW!!

Anyway, like him with his homosmexualness, he’s scared to come out about it

Mind you, his parents are also avid supporters for the gay community

But he himself has seen and heard things and it scares him

As well as those morons in middle school who he came out too (not willingly) but teased him about it and made stupid comments, they didn’t hate him but were more so ignorant

Has experienced actual hatred before, especially middle school (maybe projected on Midoriya a little...)

But, this boy was so relieved when he came out to his friends and especially Todoroki

Maybe the human population isn’t so bad after all, huh you angry ball of rainbows and anger

Also. Ace bb

Eijirou Kirishima

The resident sunshine shark puppy

He flips between functional and disaster depending on the day

Is extremely open about him being pan, since it’s the manliest thing to do

And he is the manliest

He is also avid supporter and defender of the lgbt

Since Kirishima is the other backbone of the Bakusquad, he’s great for when ya need some comfort

This baby boi just wants to be loved and will love you back tenfold

Best hugger in class 1-a fight me

Broken gaydar

Denki Kaminari

(This was the first gif... y’all really horny huh?)

The biggest bi disaster

Also chaotic

Unintentionally chaotic

Like, he goes in with intentions of chaos, then somehow it ends up being worse then it should’ve been

Goddamnit Denki, is now Bakugo’s favorite phrase

Best gay friends with Sero and Mina

Absolutely falls hard

Sure, he’s a flirt, but that’s just Denki being Denki

He’s so much worse when he falls in love

Not a flirt. No no. Absolute blushing mess

Bf do be Kiri tho

(Why is he the person I have the most ships with like damn...)

His gaydar is absolutely fucking broken. Like my god you could be Aoyama levels of obvious and it’d go straight over his head

Gaydar is so bad he usually ends up flirting with lesbians or already taken people

He never touches a dude because he doesn’t want people thinking he’s already weirder than he is

Bad social anxiety, so he stayed quiet about being bi

Than Sero asked... he denied it

It failed

Now he’s out and semi-proud

Does have sad days where he feels anxious and albeit ashamed

But he’s with the two biggest cuddlers with Sero and Kiri so it’s fine

Or if you want to be saucy, soft boy Shinso or Ojiro

Hanta Sero

This dumbass

Non-binary (he/they) demisexual biromantic boi

Since I hc as the most observant person (emotionally anyways) his gaydar is by far the strongest

He picked up on fucking Todoroki... that man looks straighter than his dad is sucks

Also the one who picks up the crushes before the people even do

Motherfucker could tell you who’s gonna end up with who before they even realize that they like each other

*cough* Bakugo and Todoroki *cough cough*

Poly relationship with Denki and Kiri. Fight me

Mina Ashido

Best girl

Ace lesbian

Makes a great chaotic couple with Mei Hatsume

Chaotic lesbian and she knows it

She is also disaster

Bad kind of disaster

She uh... once tried to bake a pride cake for pride month and nearly burned down the entire dorm

Denki was also there... that didn’t help

Also the resident shipper of Bakusquad and Class 1-A (alongside Hagakure and Ochako)

She absolutely got 8/10 couples together in 1-A... and also 1-B

ShinoMa anyone?

Absolutely has tricked Denki multiple times to wear dresses

Doesn’t have to trick Sero, he just does it

Adores Mei and is soft about it

Kyouka Jirou

Badass bi anyone?

Bisexual disaster

But very quietly dies unlike the other three on here

She can try and smooth it over and play it off

Doesn’t work all the time

Trans female

And I love her

Gay with Yaomomo

Hangs out with Sero and Bakugo a lot as trans squad and they end up laughing at the four other dumbasses they have sadly befriended

The head of the Bakusquad, especially at pride

Absolutely fucking listens to Against Me! and Jayne County and whatever other trans musician you can think of

Absolutely vibing with Sero while listen to Girl in Red, Cavetown, or the other two

And jams with Bakugo and Denki with those as well

On bad, dysphoric days, the squad bakes all her favorite foods, grab her girlfriend, and hang out and chill

Some general pride month headcanons

Like I’ve mentioned, vibing with Cavetown and Girl in Red

Also jamming with Jayne County and Laura Jayne Grace and whomever else Jirou found that week

At pride, Kirishima is at the bbq with Tetsutetsu (they have rainbow gay meat come on!)

Bakugo is trying to stop Todoroki from wondering off and getting lost, especially at first pride parade since it was his first time and Shoto is absolute dumbass

One year while still going to UA, Shoto and Denki picked up on an anxious Momo and sad Jirou and Sero just... announced how gay they were for each other.

Later that month, the two girls got together due to a party thrown just for them put together by Sero, Shoto, Denki, and Mina

It’s a tradition to watch whatever the gayest show out at the time is and finish it before the month is over as a group

SU is Denki and Kiri’s favorite.

Bakugo hates it cuz the diamonds piss him off

Soooooo, they have to stop halfway through the gay wedding episode

Todoroki joins in on the shows because he has nothing better to do (but really it’s because he’s lonely and craves affection... bb)

Also, when Bakugo came out. Sero won a bet with Mina. Not on him not being gay. But Mina thought he was bi.

Mina was wrong

And now it’s a tradition for Sero to make bets with the other squad members on who’s what shade of gay and then win because he’s right 100% of the time (and Bakugo just started betting WITH Sero because he got tired of losing. Denki and Mina do not give up however. And Kiri switches sides a lot.)

[jstlikemagic]

It’s An Everything Thing. - Jeff Wittek Smut

Title: It’s An Everything Thing.

Pairing: Jeff Wittek/Reader

Rating: R (NSFW/Swearing) | Doggystyle, missionary, oral sex, protected sex.

TW: Hints at a small sexual assault situation but doesn’t surround the plot if that makes sense.

Summary: Y/N and Jeff don’t like each other... oh wait.

A/N: So, this contains smut and angst which is exciting! Please reblog and/or like if you enjoyed this! 

Looking around the party, you lost sight of your friend David. He invited you out to his party at his house. Which meant Jeff was going to be there. You and Jeff hadn’t talked since the fight you two had a few months ago that ended up in you two blocking each other on all social media and avoiding each other at all costs. Knowing he was going to be there made you so anxious but also ready to get fucked up.

Walking around, you started to look for the open bar. Your eyes lit up like a Christmas tree when you spotted it with it’s beautiful Grey Goose bottles and a 750 of Fireball sitting on the bar cart. Stumbling upon the bar cart, you made yourself a mixed drink and walked away to find some place to chill and sit for a while. As soon as you turned into the living room, there was just crowded space and nowhere to breathe. As you tried to navigate your way through the living room someone had accidentally tripped you while they were dancing. All of the sudden, your drink spilled on you as you fell on top of a stranger on the couch.

“You fainted straight into my arms. You know, if you wanted my attention you didn’t have to go to such extremes,” Jeff scoffed. Looking up at him and realizing who it was, you quickly stood up.

“Piss off,” you spatted back. You walked away in a hurry to the bathroom, hoping no one would notice that you spilled your drink and it was completely soaking your clothes. Making it to the bathroom, you placed both hands on the side of the sink, looked in the mirror, and sighed deeply. You weren’t sure if you were mad at the person who tripped you, the fact that the drink you had was all over you, or the person you fell on was Jeff. 

“Ya know, I can get you a tide stick or something or I can give you a change of clothes or I can let you go home naked,” Jeff offered while peeking into the bathroom while winking at you.

“Nope, I’m fine. Goodbye,” you tried to shut the door but he stuck his body through the opening, enabling him to slide through.

“Are you really fine though? It looks like ya pissed your dress!” he laughed. You sat down on the toilet lid and put your head in your hands. You started to cry due to the anxiety and frustration of his presence. “Oh no, Y/N. I didn’t mean to make you-”

“Jeff, go fuck yourself. You’re a fucking dick and I’m not sure why. Even in my times of need, you still manage to make me miserable. Now, can you please leave me the fuck alone,” you screamed at him through tears. This was it. This was the breaking point. You were done with his egotistical, obnoxious, and annoying personality. He was just too much, especially right now.

“I like to joke around with you. I know you don’t think it’s funny but I always used humor and shit to hide that I was into you. At least twice a week, I watched guys hit on you, my friends ogled over you. I just need you. I know you’ve heard me say it before but I mean it,” he confessed. You just stood there in shock. 

“Funny way of showing you’re into someone, huh?,” you pushed past him and walked out the bathroom while wiping your tears. And there was your answer.

[A week later…]

Scotty was performing at the House of Blues and he invited you to come as a guest and celebrate with the Vlog Squad. Your mindset coming to the concert was that you were just gonna ignore Jeff so it seems like nothing's changed. The other guys had no idea what went down at the party because you told them you had to leave for “girl stuff.” That was enough for them to not question anything. Still, it was irritating to even think about spending at least four hours in a dressing room with a man who had the nerve to make fun of you and then cover it up with some bullshit.

“Y/N, can you hand me another water please,” Scott asked sweetly. Responding with just a smile, you walked to the mini fridge and gave him his water. What you didn’t see though because your back was turned, was that Scott eyed you the whole time. From the point of you swaying your hips as you walked over to the fridge and all the way to you bending down to grab the water. He licked his lips at the sight of you but specifically your ass. Sitting on the other side of the room was Jeff who eyed Scott. There was rage building up in Jeff. Even though you weren’t his anything, he still had this duty in the back of his head to be yours. “Thank you, babe,” Scott said as you handed him his water.

“No problem, Scott. Anything for you,” you dautingly said while shooting a glare towards Jeff’s direction. “Actually, I have a request. Can I have aux, guys? I have a song I really wanna dance to!”

“Sure, take it over!” Todd yelled from the bathroom. Why he was still controlling the music while taking a shit was beyond you but it was whatever. Connecting to the bluetooth of the speaker, you furiously scrolled through your playlists. You came across the “i like to drink and turn up” playlist and found the perfect song to fuck with Jeff. If he actually meant what he said to you a week ago, this might be the perfect revenge. You weren’t normally about the whole revenge thing but Jeff basically made you feel awful about yourself so why the fuck not.

Pressing play, everyone recognized the first few seconds of the song. It was “Or Nah” by Ty Dolla $ign, a very sensual and raunchy song but still loved very much by all of those in the room. With your red solo cup in your hand, you stepped up on the coffee table set up in the middle of the dressing room with your back facing Jeff. Making sure to flaunt your back side, you hiked up your shorts just a little bit so your ass was hanging out just a tad bit but enough to make Jeff go wild. Swaying your hips and dropping low every few seconds, it looked like you were dancing to “Come Get Her” by Rae Sremmurd instead. You knew you got the reaction from Jeff because he just looked up at you in awe, he looked like he wanted to jump your bones.

“Jeff, are you okay?” you heard David scream over the music. You turned around to see Jeff’s knuckles completely white from gripping his cup so hard. He had a straight edge face which brought out his perfectly sculpted jawline. Pausing the music, you just stared at him and he stared at you back.

“No, I’m not fucking okay. Y/N is a fucking bitch and I can’t stand her right now. God damn it,” he raised his voice. In one swift moment, he got up and walked out the door with it slamming right behind him. 

As he walked out the door, all you saw was Todd walk out of the bathroom while saying “Is there something I missed? Why do we look genuinely confused and spaceshot?” Nodding your head, you got up and decided to look for Jeff. Where would Jeff be? Where would Jeff be?

Turning the corner, you saw a little bit more of a private patio with plants peeking out in the back. You saw the back of his head but he was slumped over with his head burrowed in between his forearms. Debating if you should say anything, you kept your distance and mustered up the courage to say “Hey, um- I’m sorry. I don’t know why you’re upset but-”

“You don’t know why I’m upset?” he interrupted. “Y/N, I fucking told you how I felt about you, it was like you were gloating it in my face that I could see you, I just couldn’t touch you or have you. It’s not even a sexual thing. It’s an everything thing.” You could see how frustrated he was. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was so red. In the back of your head, you hoped he hadn’t been crying. You know that you meant to be malicious and wanted a response but you thought that it would’ve been more of a banter rather than the situation now at hand.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same way. I’m sorry that I made you upset. But to make things clear, I’m not yours and probably will never be. With that being said, get that through your head. You can fuck any girl you want within reason so it’s best of you to stick with that route,” you pleaded. You never actually thought of what it would be like to be with him whether it be platonic or sexual. You for sure didn’t want your mind to go there. Stubbornly, you didn’t want anything to do with him. He treated you wrong all these years and you weren’t sure of where your future even stood with him now after the dancing escapade. 

The truth was that you were scared. Scared of liking, or loving for that matter, anyone because of the trust issues you developed. Many people in your life had fucked you over and Jeff was already on that list. That is why your walls were up completely when it came to him. Maybe I should give him another chance? No, no. I can’t do that. He’s an asshole, Y/N. He’ll always be one. 

“Y/N, I guess it’s whatever right? I’ll just try to move on. Won’t think about you, won’t speak about you. Y/N, who? I just want to let you know that I may never be able to move on but I still hope maybe one day, you turn around, and at least wanna try being friends,” he spoke with sadness dripping from his voice with every word. 

[A year later...]

Sitting in a lawn chair by a firepit, you were just scrolling on your phone. You were at David’s house party and just felt lost. Feeling out a place and out of loop because you hadn’t seen the Vlog Squad in a year and didn't bother to. After the whole Jeff incident at the House of Blues, you thought it was best to give the guy some space. 

“Y/N! Is that you?” you heard David scream from across the backyard. Watching him run over, you laughed at him almost tripping over a rock. He was alway so fucking clumsy when he was drunk. Iyt only took one drink but boy was he hammered  As he made his way over to where you were sitting, he pulled up a chair right next to you. “How have you been?” he asked. 

Biting your lip, you just looked at him and shrugged. You weren’t fine. Not at all. Ever since the Jeff incident, everything played in your head. Every possibility did. Would you two have been dating by now? Would you two have been civil and friends? You wouldn’t know. You obviously couldn’t tell David any of that either. Hearing someone scream his name from inside the house, he quickly got up, said goodbye, and escaped the awkward moment you two were having.

Realizing you were alone again, you decided to get up and actually assert yourself. As you walked through crowds of people you spotted your best friend, the bar. Getting yourself a beer, you settled on one of the breakfast bar stools that sat right in front of the kitchen island. The kitchen was basically empty since the actual party was outside and in the living room. Taking a swig of the beer, you felt a pair of hands on your shoulders. “Hey sweetheart. Any reason you’re alone tonight?” the stranger asked while rubbing your shoulders. 

Taking another swig, you turned around. You didn’t recognize the guy at all and he wasn’t the least bit attractive. “Yeah, I’m waiting for someone. Thanks though,” you said nervously.

“Well, why don’t I make friends with you while you wait,” he said while placing his hands on the top of your thighs. Not knowing what to say, your mouth was left agape. You hoped that in this moment someone would fucking save you from this creep. Placing your hands on top of his, you tried to remove his hands off of you. But they were glued onto you and he squeezed your thighs. “Baby, I just want to have some fun. Is that too much to ask?” he whispered in your ear. 

Clearly uncomfortable, you just let him start caressing your thighs. As he started kissing your neck, you felt yourself get nervous and wanted to scream. Not wanting to cause a scene, you just remained silent and froze up. As you looked out into the living room to see if anyone would notice, you spotted him. He was wearing a black Carhartt shirt and khakis. He looked like an angel in the crowd of people. Hoping he would catch your attention, you just stared at him with this sad look on your face. 

When he finally caught your gaze, it felt like when you see someone after a breakup. Shocking but also familiar. He furrowed his eyebrows and right after that you mouthed “help me.” Getting up from his spot, he walked over to where you were sitting. “Hey, man. Get the fuck outta here alright. I’m her boyfriend so I’m the only one who should be touching her like that,” he threatened. Throwing his hands up, the guy slowly backed out of the room.

Both of you had no idea what to even say to each other. Do you say “thank you” or “hi” or should you just walk away and pretend that this never happened. Contemplating in your head, you just got out a “Thank you. Like a lot. I appreciate it.”

With his eyes darting over the place, he contemplated what to say. “Y/N, can we please go somewhere private?” he asked while fiddling his long fingers. Nodding to him, he grabbed your hand and led you to the guest bedroom. Sitting on the bed, Jeff pulled up a chair to sit right in front of you, giving that space that the both of you needed. “Now, I’m not gonna sit here and tell you what I’ve told you before. But I wanna ask if you’re willing to even try being frie-”

“I don’t wanna be your fucking friend,” you spatted out. Suddenly, his face dropped to the ground and you could see the sadness forming. “Jeff, I wanna fucking be with you. I wanna be the only girl you have in the world. I wanna be the one who you wake up to, fuck with, sleep with. Everything.” Realizing that the liquid courage overshot this one, you just stared down at the ground and waited for him to say something.

“Alright, so where has this come from? Last year, I’m pretty sure you wanted to kill me. This year it’s ‘Oh Jeff! I wanna be with you.’ Y/N, did you think I was gonna wait forever for you?” he threw back at you. He had a point. You waited a year to figure out maybe there was something there. I mean tonight he struck something within you because of how he was the only one in the crowd of people that actually helped you in that uncomfortable encounter. He seemed to be the only that cared for you at this point.

Looking up at him with tears in your eyes, you just shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you then. Maybe I actually realized that we could be great together? Maybe love wouldn’t be scary if it was with you? I don’t know,” you muttered. Folding your arms, you fell back on the bed. Grabbing a pillow, you used it to cover your face because you could just feel the sobbing about to start. Feeling his eyes burning through you, you just sighed.

“Well, I know I could cover one of those tasks you want with me,” he said with a smirk on his face. Crawling up to your body, he just smiled at you. Caressing his hair, you pulled his neck closer so your lips met. As corny as this sounds, the kiss was more passionate than you could ever imagine. Wrapping your legs around his waist, his hips lightly ground into yours which made you moan uncontrollably. “You’re gonna let me make you mine tonight?” he asked while you caught your breath.

“Make me yours, baby,” you provoked. With that, he pulled himself off of you, and attempted to pull off your skinny jeans. Seeing that he was struggling to get them off, you laughed. Hearing him mutter something under his breath, he finally got them off your ankles and onto the floor. Looking at your underwear, he could see a wet spot.

“Wow, already wet for me? Just like at the party last year?” he joked. You rolled your eyes. 

“Will you just shut the fuck up and fuck me? God, stop being annoying,” you whined as you threw your head back. Slowly peeling off your underwear, he took in the view. This is what he had been waiting for. All those years, he had been waiting for a moment to get you alone and see this side of you. Not the naked side, he enjoyed that, but an intimate side that the two of you could share.

Moving his face up to your pussy, he just breathed and it sent shivers down your spine. You might've been waiting for this moment all year but you had waited what felt like a longtime for someone like Jeff in your life. Someone you knew that would protect you and treat you like the goddess you are. 

Sticking his tongue, you gripped the sheets in tight handfuls. Moaning through your gritted teeth, you felt his tongue doing circles around your g-spot. Wanting him to delve more into your pussy, you grabbed his hair and brought him closer. Soon enough, he was hitting the right spot and you couldn’t keep back your shrieked breaths and moans. Darting his tongue back and forth, you could feel a knot in your stomach forming. 

It wasn’t a familiar feeling because you had never been satisfied like this before. No guy had ever actually wanted to eat you out unless you asked for it. His first move was to eat your sweet pussy because he wanted to show you that this was all about you and your comfortability. 

Feeling the knot in your stomach tighten, you gripped his hair and tugged it hard. Feeling yourself tighten around his tongue, you let out on him. Licking up your cum, he took a step back to admire what was in front of him. An attractive, vulnerable, and sweet, Y/N. Throwing yourself up from the bed, you whipped off your shirt and unclasped your bra. Reaching for his shirt you tossed it over his head and to the corner of his room. Unbuckling his jeans, he stopped you. “Y/N, I wanna show you what you’ve missed out all this year. No need to pleasure me. Looking at you unfold for me is enough,” he smirked.

“Okay, then how do you want me?” you asked sweetly. Hearing that was enough for Jeff to cum right on the spot. He didn’t know why but the innocence in your voice flipped a switch in him. It made him feel bad about how he was gonna wreck your pussy for the next ten minutes. 

“I want you on all fours. Right now,” he demanded. Taking his belt off, then his pants, and boxers, you groaned at the sight of his cock. It was already dripping precum. Grabbing a condom from his dresser drawer, he opened the package and slid the condom on his hard cock. With your ass in the air, he lined his cock up to your wet pussy. Placing a hand on your back, he slowly pushed in. Hissing at the sensation, he pulled back and said “Y/N, are you okay? I’m not hurting you am I?”

“Nope, I’m fine. Just need to get used to it,” you replied. Trying again, he slowly entered you while making sure to not put all of himself in just yet. After inching in every time, he put himself inside of you. He found his rhythm and was fitting himself completely in your tight pussy. Gripping on your hips, every once in a while he’d smack your ass. 

Grabbing your ass and smacking it, he said “Oh, you like it when I fuck you like that? You like it when I smack your ass, baby?” Nodding your head, you managed to pant out a ‘yes.’ Suddenly, he removed himself from you. Feeling empty, you whined at the awful sensation. He took you by your hips and turned you on your back. 

“Sorry, baby. I want to take you this way. I want to look at you while I cum,” he breathed. Instinctively wrapping your legs around his hips, he inserted himself again. Only this time, he placed his lips on yours which earned him a moan from you. His face then found himself in the crook of your neck and his lips on your neck. Holding on to the back of his neck, you needed the support from him completely fucking you into tomorrow. Every thrust was hard and fast and it was perfect. 

Even though it didn’t seem like the typical intimate and romantic moment, it was. There was a certain closeness you two felt with each other during this moment. He was giving himself to you and you were giving yourself to him and it was perfect. 

Feeling him slow down, you took that moment to catch your breath a little bit and refocus on what was happening. Jeff lifted himself up and supported himself with his elbows. Looking up at him, you could tell he was very close. His face was scrunched up and his mouth was agape. “I’m gonna cum. Fuck,” he muttered. As he looked down at you, you could see the lust and passion in his eyes. As he intently was locking eyes with you, he let out a low moan and came into the condom. 

Rolling off of the bed, he took the condom off and threw it in the trash. Laying next to you in bed, you were just heavily breathing while looking up at the ceiling. “Did you cum by any chance,” he asked.

“No but I don’t think that really matters right now,” you responded. Turning towards him, you moved yourself closer to him. “What matters is, what do we do now? I mean we fucked and I told you how I felt so,” you pondered.

Pulling you into his chest, he sighed. “Well, we have one of two options. Option one is that we never speak of tonight and we pretend we still hate each other. Or we could do the better option, which is to maybe see where things go between us?” he noted. Looking at him and his arms that were wrapped around you, you smiled.

“Ya know, I’m really liking option number two but can we add an option three to this?” you questioned.

“Which option would that be?” he asked.

Growing a huge smirk on your face, you pulled yourself on top of him and placed your hands on his chest. “I was thinking we see where things go but we also have round two.”

[jpegjade]

Hot Coco - Spencer (dad!spencer)

I GOT CARRIED AWAY. 

warnings: angst. like hella angst. and my experience as a panic attack. those experiences vary but i just went off something that i wrote about during dad!spencer night thanks to a request to make it a one-shot. 

__________________

Spencer had been gone for more than a week and there was no sign of when this case would wrap up. You were beyond worried and not getting much sleep.You didn’t sleep well when he was on cases or when he wasn’t by your side in general. He couldn’t talk to you much and your anxiety was at an all time high. You followed the news coverage when you were home and kept up with any social media updates. When you saw that two agents had been shot, their condition critical, you lost it. It could’ve been Spencer. It could’ve been anyone. Fuck, what if it was Spencer. 

You tried calling him and he didn’t pick up. You felt the panic rising in your chest and you weren’t able to calm down. You tried to think about what Spencer said last time, how you needed to focus on your breathing. You need to breathe before you hyperventilate. You couldn't stop watching the coverage, reading the tweets about everything going on. Your head started getting dizzy and you laid down in the corner. It usually wasn’t this bad but this time? It was horrible to think that Spencer could be out there, without his family, in the hospital and no one could reach you. Why wasn’t he picking up…

“Chloe, leave her alone.” Alexandria said, pulling her sister away from their parents’ bedroom door. They saw you start to spiral earlier in the day in the beginning. As soon as you saw the news, which wasn't remotely good, the girls saw you frantically look for your phone and retreat to the bedroom. They knew that if dad was in trouble, they would’ve heard from uncle hotchner or auntie JJ. No one called.

“Alex, she might need us.” Chloe was always scared when you or Spencer were acting strangely in any sense. She was more emotionally driven than her sister. She took after you while Alex was driven by logic, like her dad. 

“Let’s check on her. If we can’t fix it, the last resort is to call dad.” Alex said, crossing her arms. 

They had been through this before but as soon as they opened the bedroom door, they were more scared than they had ever been. You were sitting on the floor, in the corner of the room, rocking yourself and crying. Hard. The girls ran over to you and tried to get you to come out of it when you started shaking harder. You kept repeating something but they couldn’t make it out because it was a mumble that fell out of your mouth. 

“Momma. Mom. Come on, mom. Don’t do this.” Alex said, getting on one knee. She gently touched your arm and you recoiled further into yourself. 

“We need to get you in the bed. Can you get to the bed?” Chloe asked, but you didn’t respond. 

“What’s she saying?” Chloe looked over at her sister, then back at you. 

“‘He’s okay.’ I think she’s talking about dad.” The girls shared a look and continued trying to coax you into the bed. 

“Let’s try bringing dad up.” Chloe suggested, a half whisper directed at her sister. 

“Mom, can you get in bed for dad?” Alex said, getting nowhere. 

“She doesn’t know him as ‘dad.’ He’s spencer.” Chloe chimed in. 

“Spencer?” You said, snapping out of it temporarily. You recognized their faces but the world around you was so dark and everything was spinning still, your heart racing. It was hard to get control of yourself and even harder for the girls to watch this happen.

“Do you want to talk to him? To Spencer?” Alex felt weird referring to her dad as Spencer. It was just a weird thing to do but this wasn’t normal either. 

“Spencer?” You looked around the room but when you didn’t see him, you curled back up. 

“Come on, mom. Spencer wants you to go to bed.” Alex said, holding her hand out to you. 

You gingerly grabbed it, barely getting the energy to stand before Chloe opened the blanket for you so you could collapse into it. 

“I’m gonna call dad. I don’t think mom’s okay.” Chloe said, running to grab her phone. 

They were a little young for phones but you and Spencer agreed that because of the nature of his job, they needed to get in contact with each other. If it was an emergency, they texted “911.” Spencer didn’t care what he was doing. His family came first. 

One 911 text later, Spencer immediately called Chloe. There was a lot of radio chatter in the background so Chloe assumed that he was at a police station. 

“Dad, I’m scared.” Chloe was pacing, just like her father. 

“What’s wrong, Chloe? You should be sleeping.” Spencer was extremely concerned. It was late at night and the girls had school in the morning.

“Mom is having a really bad panic attack and she won’t move. She won’t even talk to us because it’s that bad.” Chloe’s voice was shaking, she was so scared. 

“Okay, put me on speaker and sit me next to her on the pillow. Is Alex making her the drink?” The police noises died down so Chloe assumed that her dad stepped out of the police station. 

At that exact moment, Alexandria walked out of the bedroom and went directly to the kitchen. 

“Yes but I’m really scared. Mom wouldn’t answer anything unless we said your name.” Chloe explained, walking back to the room. 

“I know, chlo. When I get back, we’re going to take her to the doctor but for right now, just put the phone next to her.” Spencer sighed, worried about you in all forms. 

You were getting pretty bad and he was thinking that he was thinking that he might need to ask Hotch for some time off to figure out what’s going on and get you centered again. 

When Chloe got back in the room, she found you curled up in the bed, tears soaking the pillow. Chloe slowly walked up to you, careful not to scare you. 

“Mom? Dad- I mean… Spencer is on the phone. Do you want to talk to him?” Chloe looked at you, watching you as you looked up and her. Chloe put the phone down and left the room. 

“He’s okay?” You asked, quietly. 

“Hey Princess.” His voice was calming, soothing. You instantly choked back a sob, knowing he was okay. 

“You’re…” You started but the words got caught. 

“I heard what’s happening. I need you to do something for me.” Spencer said, his eyebrows scrunching together. He could tell by your voice that it was a really bad time. 

“You can do this, okay? You have to breathe. You have to do it for me. I need you to breathe for me, princess.” 

The more he talked to you, the calmer you became. The easier it was to breathe. The panic attack still affected you but you were more grounded. 

“You’re safe?” You said, more to yourself than to him. 

“I’m safe, honey.” He was trying to make sure you were grounded with his voice, even though it broke him to hear you in such distress. 

The girls walked in, carrying a single hot chocolate in their hands for you. They set it on the bed-side table with a post it note and went to listen to music in the living room.

“Remember your breathing, okay? Your diaphragm is constricting and your heart is racing. The girls brought you some hot chocolate. You can turn over and see the cup with a note. ‘From Spencer and the girls’ written in purple pen. 

“Baby, I’m sorry.” You said, crying. 

“Don’t apologize, princess. I’ll take care of you, okay? Me and the girls are right here for you. Right now, I need you to get some rest. It’s really late, especially where you are, and I need you rested for when I come home tomorrow.” The team was heading back because the police department had the situation under control, or so they thought. 

“Mmhhmm.” You were drifting to sleep. 

“I think we need to get you to a doctor.” He was just talking to you now. “I also think we might need to go on a vacation. We haven’t gone anywhere since the girls were born and you need to get away.” 

“Where?” You asked, yawning. 

“I don’t know. Somewhere peaceful. Maybe an island or a cruise or a road trip.” All options were good options. He was just talking now. 

“Mmhmm.” You closed your eyes. 

“We can see the sunset on the beach or see the mountains. We can go snowboarding or even swimming. It can be like our honeymoon without the parts where we didn’t really go anywhere because we were going at it for hours.” Spencer chuckled at the memory. 

You let out a soft snore into the phone. Spencer knew that meant he was able to calm you down enough to rest. 

“Goodnight, princess. I love you so much.” He said, hanging up the phone. 

He sighed, sitting outside on the curb. 

“Fuck.” He whispered, knowing this was going to take some time to figure out.

___________

Dad!spencer is just so worried about his family when he’s gone. it’s so touching. 

[helliontherapscallion]

omg pls share the story abt the lecture from that girl’s dad (only if u feel like it) but seriously ppl it’s not that hard to put a mask on to help the spread of a virus. just wear it, it keeps u safe. and for the ppl who don’t care then just wait til it affects u, bcs covid isn’t a game. I just wish ppl were more serious abt it

Ok so sit down and buckle up kiddos and grab some snacks bc this is a helluva ride

Little background info: I have been a section leader for both my junior and senior years now. When the new freshmen came in my first year of being section leader I was hyped as hell. And then this new freshman whips out a lighter and lights it WHILE WE’RE INSIDE THE SCHOOL MIGHT I ADD with a straight face looking off into the distance before we ask her to put it away. She also always has a pocket knife on her that we found on the ground during band camp. I’ll call her POS. 

I tried to like POS I really did, but then she turned out to be a bigoted racist asshole (she also drinks deer blood straight from the corpse and simps over jeffery dahmer so even more red flags). It was extremely hard for me to treat her like I did with the other people in my section, but I managed to treat her the same as the other people and avoided her for the most part (thank god she wasn’t in my subsection I would’ve actually gone insane)

Flash forward to this year. Covid was hitting full force and we had to quarantine for the first two months of our season setting us back by a lot. She was wishywashy about rejoining but as the most senior leader of my section my band director was on my ass about getting a straight answer from her and fast. So I kinda had to force her to give me an answer (which she told me she was doing it quickly which leads me to think she already knew she was doing it) so she already was going into the season hating my guts

When we finally had an in person rehearsal for the first time, she wasn’t wearing a mask so when I asked her where it was she looked at me like I was the dumbass and said in a matter-of-fact tone “it’s in my pocket” and pointed to the confederate flag bandana hanging out of her pocket. Those four words told me that this season was going to be a fuckin long one with her. I just deadpanned (she couldn’t see it tho bc mask, sunglasses, and floppy hat blocking my entire face) and said “I’d rather it be on your face. (band director and marching instructor’s names) will have my ass if they see you not wearing one.” She rolls her eyes and puts it on (at least it was over her nose)

A few months go by with me telling her constantly to put on a mask bc I am responsible for my section and I’d be damned if one of them got sick bc of one idiot being stupid that I could prevent. She is getting madder and madder with each passing rehearsal. 

Band camp rolls around and it changed from 5 13 hour days to 15 3 hour ones and I am already done with her bs. We get our dots and I mentally groan bc she’s next to me for the vast majority of the show. She is between me (an asthmatic) and my close friend (vvv immunocompromised and also hates her, I’ll call her S) so now I’m more worried about covid going around the section. It was in this time that I find out that at least 5 other people out of 20 also have pre existing conditions that make them susceptible. So now I make it even more my mission to make her wear a mask. 

It was in the middle of band camp when she is yet again not wearing a mask (we were just marching without instruments) and I turn to her and as kindly as possible (it was the second time that day) asked her to put on her mask. She once again rolls her eyes and says “ya know, (band director) walked past me 3 times and hasn’t said shit, so I think I’m gonna listen to him and not you.” S and another friend of mine looks over in shock cuz she just talked back to me. They were about to say something but I wove them off. POS wants to fuck with me? Fine. I’ll just go full force with this. She wants petty?? I’ll give her petty, I’ve been holding off all season. 

So I’m marching there for the next twenty minutes quietly seething and counting more aggressively. She’s getting annoyed, but I pull the section leader card and tell her that she needs to be counting as loud as I am bc her feet was lowkey off time. After we break off for a gush and go (very short water break), I go straight to my band director and use my limited water break to tell him what she told me. He apologizes and says that he thought she was just taking a breather. He tells her to put on a mask and she does so and glares at me the rest of the rehearsal. 

She blocks me on all social media and I obviously clown on her in private with the other section leader (he’s more of a pacifist and never really told her to wear a mask which kinda pissed me off but I understood) until she makes a passing comment to my other friend about using the knife she kept in her boot. Now he tells me cuz he’s a good friend and I’m shitting myself at that point bc holy shit I might get shanked. 

I think about telling the band director but I realize that there’s no proof of her saying this and she could easily get out of this so it’s kinda pointless to tell anyone. Plus if she did shank me, she’d get into so much trouble and I’d be laughing at her from my grave/hospital bed. 

Many rehearsals go by and she still refuses to wear a mask so after one rehearsal S and I went to the band director and reminded him about our conditions and told him about how we were worried for our safety (I also told him abotu the other vulunerable ppl in the section) and he says he’s gonna do something. Next rehearsal he gives POS a warning and she begrudgingly wears a mask for the rest of the rehearsal. The next rehearsal rolls by and she isn’t wearing a mask (again) and he sends her home. Major victory for S and I.

The next sectional tho was something I wasn’t expecting. I get there like 10 minutes before it starts like I usually do in a good mood. I get out of my car and go to grab my stuff when a massive white truck with a busted muffler pulls up into the parking space next to me with a cloud of black smoke. The window rolls down and reveals POS’s dad and POS herself in the passanger seat. 

Of course I’m thinking that this is the day I die and start mentally preparing to yell for help to my other section members 100 feet away on the field already.

Mans starts to lecture me saying things like “it’s unhealthy to wear a mask outside bc it’s like a pitri dish under there. 6th grade science!” (I am not joking or overexaggerating with this, he actually said that). I really wanted to say “well, 7th grade science says otherwise, but you wouldn’t know that bc I’m sure you didn’t pass 6th grade, but go off ig” but I didn’t bc I didn’t want to get shanked or disappear randomly. I just tell him that I am only doing what my band director told me to do and that there are tons of people (myself included) that can really get hurt from just being in contact with covid. He says that’s bullshit and tries to tell me that I’m an idiot before I cut him off by telling him once again that I am just trying to protect my section and that the sectional was going to start soon so I didn’t have the time for this. I walk away leaving him trying to keep talking to me and soon enough POS gets out of the car and follows me to the field giving me a smug smile on her unmasked face before she puts it on when she sees the other section leader stroll up. 

Lemme paint the picture for you: this guy (a 6′something burly guy in his 50′s that I know has like two felonies under his belt) pulls up next to me (a 5′2 17 year old ball of anxiety that drives a small yellow car) and starts to borderline yell at me. Traumatizing. I was shaking for the rest of the sectional and I spent the rest of the season looking over my shoulder looking for the glint of a knife swingin at me

Now I’m pretty sure she’s suspended bc she was caught with a knife on school property and she wore a confederate t-shirt to school, but I would be lying if I said I don’t still look over my shoulder or speed up when I drive past her house lmao

[bisluthq]

this is like really random but i have to vent. so basically i’m 20 years old and in my second-year at a uk university. and like i had the worst first-year of my life, made no friends, and got long covid plus really bad depression so yeah it wasn’t great. and now im back at uni i just am really feeling my lack of experience. iv never even properly kissed anyone let alone had sex and all the drinking games etc revolve around sex. i’m pretty sure i’m bi just like based on what i masturbate to but i’v only ever looked at guys as potential relationships. i just like don’t know how to navigate the social world with no friends and no sexual experience, it just feels impossible. and all my friends from home (1 of which is at uni with me) have boyfriends or at least have had sex. and also clubbing feels totally revolved around sex and kissing. it’s really hard to admit to people that i’m a virgin because people assume i’m a prude or a weirdo when i’m not i just haven’t really had the opportunity. i’m just feeling like such a loser atm. oh aaaand i actually really want a boyfriend rn.

Firstly, this is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of. There’s no timeline for these things.

Secondly, so this is going to be a long winded Agony AuNat but sometimes I think my best ones are. In a way, this reminds me of a friend I had like 20-21 at uni. Basically we became friends because I caught her forum role playing and I was like “lmaoooo I used to do that too!” and we like bonded over it and like very quickly I began realizing that she did it on the kinds of sites me and my online friends laughed at because they weren’t ⚡️aesthetic⚡️ or sexy. Like this was some high fantasy bullshit lol - no offense also cool - on like ProBoards when we were already in the Jcink era. Anyway no biggie. This girl - a horse girl at 20 still and not in the rich bitch way - proceeded to like… idolize me and obvi y’all know how much I like attention so I loved it. And one night she asked me for advice on how to get kissed because she had been like… really wanting to lose her virginity but things just weren’t happening. I proceeded to give the worst advice ever because I too was just a young un. I said “don’t worry it’s gonna happen for you!!! Like I’m sure your crush likes you!! Don’t stress you’re so pretty and sweet!” And I believed I was saying the right stuff and it comforted her ngl so I was like 👏🏻👏🏻 go Nat you’re the best at giving advice.

Except here’s the problem - it still wasn’t happening. She was going to parties with me and I was like dressing her sluttier like some weird teen romcom movie where I was giving her a makeover and like… no one was biting.

And then - for those who remember the Nat Cinematic Universe - it turned out that rando from my 21st who I randomly fucked? Ya dudes that was her crush lol and she hadn’t told me because she thought I’d figure it out lol and she was mad at me and we sorta stayed friends until I fucked that guy’s friend which was nbd to anyone involved because my bestie fucked him and tbh I fancied the friend because he was this average sized weedy dark haired boy who was very weird looking and she exploded at me and called me a slut and shit and that was that, friendship over.

Unsure what happened next, but the reason I’ve given you this backstory is from my current POV I gave extremely bad advice so I’m gonna try correct with you tonight.

Unless you’re in high school when friends of friends can go between people and say you have a crush, and then you text them and like bam you’re exclusive, you have to work to get ass or make friends. Okay the other exception is if you’re like SUPER hot idk about that life, but tbh probs even then. Life isn’t a teen movie, and you’re not gonna just catch someone’s eye and that’ll be that. Dressing nicely might be part of it, doing your hair and makeup in whatever style you want, and making it clear up front - especially at uni when imo branding™️ matters a lot - what your interests are and such shit all factor in. I’m not saying change who you are because again that’s supremely bad advice: figure out who you are. Figure out what you want to wear (experiment!), who you want to talk to (strike up convos on campus!), what you like doing (try things out!) and - most importantly - what you’re comfortable with. Try drinking - and if you don’t like it, don’t do it. Try flirting - and if you don’t like it, know that you can go from friends to this and not everyone enjoys that. Try clubbing - and if you don’t like it, know that there are a ton of societies you can join on campus and campus events you can go to that don’t revolve around that, so seek those out and find your tribe.

Fundamentally, college is what you make of it.

Which means that like unfortunately my dude, you’ll make a fool of yourself. Probably more than once.

But know that friends won’t manifest and boys won’t manifest unless you make an effort and put yourself out there. Ask people to coffee. Ask people to the pub. Girls, boys, enbies, whoever.

Re the anxiety about “never having done this before” - I think that’s totally normal. But also like lots of other people haven’t and everyone has had a first time. In drinking games you can lie lol. You don’t need to advertise it’s your first time for anything if you’re uncomfortable with it. I didn’t tell my first kiss he was my first kiss lol because it was unnecessary info for him tbh (it wasn’t hs boyfriend even tho I’m pretty sure I was his lol but he was my third 😌).

But you also don’t need to be shy about it because honestly 2nd year uni is so fucking young. It’s not like you’re coming to me as a 40 year old virgin and asking for advice (again no timeline but I’m not there yet so maybe not the right person to give it). Most of the people you’re hanging out with haven’t had a ton of sexual experience either lmao. On my 20th birthday I had been with exactly two people, my Angel boyfriend (in hindsight) hs ex and the Rabbi’s son (literally no one’s Angel boyfriend but hopefully he and his tiny dick are married now and Mazels if so) who I fucked a few days after we broke up to prove a point. I was a bad lay (and remain so with guys unless they’re into The Hiddles Experience, not for lack of opportunities, but because we don’t have to master all things). I also - unlike you - had never masturbated. I’d never had an orgasm. I liked sex with hs ex but couldn’t explain what I liked or why, it was just fun sometimes and other times it wasn’t. (In hindsight with clit action it was fun and with pure thrusting it wasn’t). So the fact that you have wanked already gives you a head start over many of the girls guys will be meeting.

So like… figure out what’s comfortable for you. Try different things out. Walk away when you don’t like it. Never do stuff that goes against your values. Don’t be overly shy in ways that wind up making you uncomfortable, like with the story that started this, and don’t expect these things to happen if you make no effort. That applies to friendships and ass alike. And sometimes what you think will be ass will turn into friendships and sometimes what you think will be friendship will turn into more. Let it. That’s what uni’s for.

Final point: try reduce the pressure of having a boyfriend. It’s fine if it happens, but since as you say you’re not a prude, it’s fine if it doesn’t. It will eventually. Try go into encounters with the open mindedness of “this could be ass, this could be friendship, this could be more” and like clear eyes full hearts can’t lose tbh.

Final final point: join societies. Join all the societies. The best way to both get ass and make friends and make friends discussing the ass you’re getting is by joining societies.

Good luck, hope this helped, love you lots and enjoy this year and the next (and beyond if you choose Honours or postgrad).

[adventures-in-poly]

0 Posts in 2020

You’d think that I’d have something Very Profound to say about the interactions between the pandemic and poly, but it turns out I haven’t wanted to write about that subject very much at all. I won’t say that the pandemic has sucked all the inspiration from my brain, just that it has shuffled inspiration around in unexpected ways and away from writing.

The pandemic has felt like it’s pressed the pause button on my poly life. My husband (M) can’t go out on dates because OTHER PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. I also can’t go out on dates for the same reason, but moreover, I choose not to go on dates because I’m just So Damn Exhausted. I’ve seen my boyfriend (Crow) only three times this year: once before the pandemic and twice since, and that’s only possible because his house has this large porch where we can do social distancing outside. I haven’t kissed him since January and I’ve only hugged him once, masks on and faces turned away, and I held my breath the whole time. I haven’t had sex with anyone in over a year, and I can’t even “blame” that on the pandemic. It’s a choice. Guess I’ve gone full asexual, and I say “guess” because, while asexual is an accurate descriptor, I still don’t feel really great about adopting that as a personal identity. I’m not even upset about the no sex part though. I’m happy about it. My Magic Wand knows exactly what I want and all the nuances of my body and it’s much less painful than skin on skin.

The pandemic is NOT a good thing. It is NOT a good thing that millions of people have died, and it is NOT a good thing that we as a community are touch-starved and relationship-starved and can’t seem to figure our shit out.

That said.

I’m going to be honest. It has felt nice not having to worry, poly-wise. I hate that that’s a thing that I feel, but this blog is and has always meant to be about honesty. It feels like a relief knowing that I am not going to be in a situation where I have to watch my husband drunkenly and sloppily hit on other women at parties that we are meant to both enjoy. It feels like a relief knowing that he isn’t going to tell me, “I’m going to meet someone that I’ve been talking to on Tinder”, that the bomb isn’t going to fall on me. Because that’s what it is. “I came in like a wrecking ball.” The fear that someone else will enter our lives - my life - and I’ll have no control over it, and I’ll hate it, and I’ll lose myself.

I have a lifelong fear of being replaced. Of being “not good enough”. I hesitate to call it a fear of being unlovable, because I’ve never doubted that people love me and like me. I think they do. But the fear is that, when my needs butt up against someone else’s, theirs will always win. As a child, my parents taught me all about caring for other people, being generous, being self sacrificing, being kind. They immigrated to the US from England a few years before I was born, and as a result, I was brought up with a European mindset (others before yourself) in an American environment (look out for number one). And, as a result -- even though my parents were extraordinarily caring, even though I was an only child, even though they were generous with their time and attention, even though I had a very happy childhood -- I somehow learned that I would always be second place. Always the one to sleep on the floor at sleepovers so the guest or the host could get the bed. Always the one to get a boring piece of cake so a louder and therefore more deserving child could get the piece with the flower. Petty shit like that that translated into real adult problems. Just two nights ago, on New Year’s Eve, I had told my husband I’d wanted us to change the sheets, and as I ascended the stairs to bed I forlornly reminded him that we hadn’t changed the sheets - terrified and fully preparing myself to be let down because he was having a good time at an online New Year’s Eve party and of course that meant that my needs would subside. (They didn’t. The world doesn’t work like that. My husband shows me over and over again that my needs are important to him, and yet I Still Never Learn.)

I can say with full honestly that I am no longer really jealous of my boyfriend and his wife anymore. I used to be, a little. I used to be jealous that he would want to visit her at her shift before he came over for dates, or that he’d want to bring her to casual outings with me, or that at any point the two of them could decide they’d want to move back to San Diego and that would be that. I don’t feel those things anymore. I haven’t for a long time. It’s some sort of consequence of she and I becoming legitimate good friends, plus me and my husband moving an hour away, plus just being too damn old and too damn tired to give shits anymore.

Then again, their relationship was never the kind that was going to prick my skin up and put me on guard. I was the new person, not her. I don’t have a complex about older, more established relationships.

But the idea of my husband finding somebody new, even though our relationship is solid? Sends me into chaos. Even now. I wish I could say that it’s changed in the 5 years since we opened things up, but it hasn’t. It hasn’t really at all.

I’d wanted this blog to document my journey from new to seasoned poly, from a jealous wreck to someone who had learned to love herself and meditate through the pain. That’s not what happened. I’m not sure if it’s ever going to happen. My husband hasn’t had enough actual relationships to give me practice experiencing the very discomfort that makes me want to scream until my insides explode out, and the few times it has happened, I felt like I was living in a shock chamber and turning into the kind of person I don’t want to be.

I wanted to evolve, for the sake of my readers, into someone who fully accepts a poly lifestyle. To show that it can be done. No -- to show, specifically, that I could do it, that I could logic and reason my way through all the shit and prove myself to be better than my jealousy. I don’t think that’s what’s going to end up happening. I think it’s no secret at this point that I don’t really love this whole poly thing. I am still actively choosing it, but not always for reasons that I endorse. What if I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore? Would I lose my husband? Would I lose my boyfriend? Could I ethically give up my relationship with my boyfriend to create monogamy with my husband? Could I ethically ask my husband not to go on dates while I still retain my relationship with my boyfriend? It’s all shit, really. None of it is a good outcome. And the pandemic has allowed me to stall my non-decisions for a year because it’s not like we can see other people anyway. And isn’t it great when some external force gives you a reprieve from the things you’re afraid of.

But while the pandemic has put my poly life on pause, it’s put my healing and growth around poly stuff on pause as well. Sure, it feels fucking great on the surface, but it’s not actual growth. I’m not forever in a place where I will feel secure. It’s going to end eventually (vaccinate me, babyyyyyyyy!!!), and the parties will start again, and the dates will start again, and my terrified introvert ass is afraid that everything collectively will swing in the opposite direction super hard. Free love! Casual sex everywhere! Everyone wants to hang out all the time! How could you possibly want to be alone at a time like this! And that fear extends beyond poly stuff and beyond just me and my husband - I’m not ready for the world to become a giant party. I don’t want that world. I don’t want to live in that world but I also don’t want to miss out on the collective bonding experience that is almost sure to come from the end of Covid. So the reprieve I’m feeling now is only surface level great because it’s a pause, not an end, and I don’t feel any more equipped to deal with my jealousy and my social anxiety and my feelings of not being good enough than I did at the beginning of this damn pandemic.

Part of me wishes I could “get over my shit”, and part of me wants to cling onto my shit and defend it. Like why am I the one who has to change, why am I the one who has to evolve, what’s wrong with feeling the way I feel? Why is this a “my shit” thing, like I’m alone and all my problems are caused by my own feelings? Why do other people NeEeEeEeEd to go on dates and have sex. Why does my husband need that. Why am I not good enough. Why is the problem that I feel jealousy and insecurity; why is the problem not that he feels [insert whatever he feels here. unsatisfied? no, that’s not it. incapable of being fully satisfied by a single person? that seems extreme. incapable of surrounding himself with platonic friendships in the way that comes so naturally to me and many of my women friends, and much more able to connect with people he is in a romantic/sexual relationship with, and so needs to create many romantic/sexual relationships to fill that void that otherwise would be filled with friendships - which is not actually something I believe about him, I think he could make really great friendships with the right tools, but is something he’s expressed to me and is also something that’s pretty common around people raised as men? is that too harsh?]

I’m trying to look for a good ending for this post, but, like an explanation for my feelings, I don’t think I’m going to find satisfaction here.

[rockshortage]

Finally read dem asks so lets go for the fresh new. Gonna separate them with the slash: A17, 20, 24 / B1, 6, 10, 12 / C6 / D2 / F2 / H4, 8 / J8 / L1, 4 , 9 for Hector. Cheerz!

really slacked off on answering this in a timely manner, my apologies

A17) What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves?

The first time he gave an order that he knew the bosses wouldn’t like, and they obeyed without arguing or questioning it (much). It was finally a clear sign that he had things under control.

A20) Are they harsh on themselves?

Yeah… always questioning himself and whether he did good enough, what he could have done better – kind of a perfectionist.

A24) What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it?

Mostly emotional and social – emotional in the sense that he doesn’t know himself very well and doesn’t understand his own emotions. This also influences how well he carries himself socially, though it’s not the only reason he’s bad at social interaction. He just never really learned it, communicating is hard and anxiety kicks his ass. He sure is aware of how unnecessarily nervous he gets in many situations. Of course he’d like it to not be that way, but he also doesn’t want to expose himself to more of this stress than necessary, even if doing so would help him overcome it (or at least make it less bad). 

B1) Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it?

answered

B6) Would your OC let someone ahead of them in line if your OC had a big cart and the person behind them had very few items?

Yeah because it’s nice but also he’d hate to be fumbling to get everything in a bag while the person behind him waits impatiently

B10) Does your OC find any “bad” or “mean” humor funny? Do they wish they didn’t?

Bad as in dad jokes and boomer humor, yeah it’s a riot. Doesn’t feel bad about that one, if it’s funny it’s funny. He’s more inclined to feel bad about the mean or dark humor – definitely if he finds it funny and others don’t. But it’s more on a case by case basis whether he finds that funny or not. “What do you call a family of ducks on the road? Speed bumps.” NOT funny, those poor ducks didn’t hurt anyone ;<;

B12) Your OC orders something to eat and gets their order done in a pretty wrong way, something they can’t just pick off or whatnot to correct, or something major is missing. What do they do?

answered

C6) What do they do when they see someone asking for money or food? If they ignore them, why? If they help, how so?

Pre-war, he’s likely to walk past with a mumbled ‘sorry’, pretending he has no cash on him or something. He’d feel bad about it because that was a lie and he could have helped, but he wouldn’t really want to give them straight up money, because he doesn’t really want to finance drugs or alcohol. But like going to the store with them to buy them a sandwich or something if they’re hungry requires so much social labor and then those kinda people are often likely to wanna talk to him about their problems for a long time and he just doesn’t want to deal with that. No matter how bad he feels about it.

Post-war, he’s likely to throw them some caps, or give them some purified water, or whatever little thing they ask for – as long as no one can see. After all, an overboss isn’t supposed to just give away stuff to some beggar.

D2) Do they believe in an afterlife?

Not until he gets proof, which is extremely unlikely to ever happen. He’s not a dick to people believing in it though, unlike superstition. I can imagine he might reconsider his stance a bit after he’s forcefully reminded of his sister, but I don’t think he’d really believe in it. It would just be a nice thought to have sometimes, nice to play a little pretend.

F2) What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it?

answered

H4) Does your OC believe in love in first sight?

No. Hell, he’s not even sure if he’s supposed to believe in love itself. At least not until it really clicks with him that love can be platonic too. But sometimes he wishes love at first sight was real because that’s probably the only way he’d ever have the chance to fall in love with anyone. Attraction at first sight exists, sure, but even if he felt that, it’s not something he’d pursue further.

H8) What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date?

Ignoring all the circumstantial stuff above… first of all it would have to be with someone he already feels very comfortable with. Just a nice little simple thing – chilling with a beer in a quiet corner at a bar, or outside at night by a fire. Calm and quiet, with nice conversations and comfortable silence. No pressure about anything.

J8) In reality-based or applicable worlds, do they believe in global warming? Do they recycle?

I don’t remember any mention of climate change in the fallout world and I don’t care enough right now to research it or put too much thought into it.

So assuming it was a thing before the bombs dropped, yeah. If science says it’s real then of course it’s real. It’s not something you either believe in or don’t, it’s fucking fact. He’d invest a normal amount of energy into recycling. He wouldn’t remove every single aluminium lid and carton sleeve off a plastic yogurt container, but he would generally pay attention to recycling properly.

L1) How have your characters changed since you created them?

answered

L4) Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

answered

L9) How did you come up with your OC?

answered

[thotfuss]

I kind of agree with the other Annonymous writer, I have both your ex and your feed. She apologizes for the things she did wrong and never says a bad word about you. She fully admits to things. It does feel wrong to keep calling her out as an abuser because she has been getting targeted and crucified because of your words. Is that not just as bad really? Friends and family, of course, will always take your side ALWAYS. You should listen to your heart. I am sure you loved her once.

I’ll be honest, I wrote a really angry stream of consciousness response to this, deleted it, considered not answering this at all, wrote out an actual response, told myself I didn’t owe it to anyone to explain, deleted that, and then wrote it again. Maybe this is my fault for talking about it or referencing it on here, but I never used her url or name, and I never went into detail. I saw it as me using my own blog to express my feelings, which, maybe I shouldn’t have. So I’m sorry if that’s the case. i was never “calling her out,” simply expressing my own feelings on my personal blog, i’m sorry if that was irresponsible. But I am not okay with the messages I’ve been getting lately. This is one of...5 similar ones sitting in my inbox rn? So I am NOT answering this to put my ex on blast or to target and crucify her, and I DON’T owe this explanation to anyone but for my own peace of mind I’m going to explain! (under a read more for abuse tw)

First of all, even if she DID admit to things she did wrong and apologizes for them, it doesn’t make it...not abuse? I seriously doubt she’s getting targeted and crucified, I haven’t posted her URL on here, haven’t even used her NAME, and her family and friends were extremely supportive of her and her actions when all this was happening.

It took me MONTHS to even be able to consider labeling what happened as abuse. Even after my therapist, my family, my friends, EVERYONE who knew about even a FRACTION of what was going on, had said that it was categorically emotional abuse I still felt like i was exaggerating or asking for attention. and to be honest, I still feel like that! 

My ex was insecure. I wrote everything that happened off as her being insecure for SO long, because every time I brought up an issue she would say I “wasn’t supporting her,” and that I should “know how it felt” because of my own issues with mental illness. But when I look back at some of the things that happened-I went to visit my sister back in September, and when I told my ex, she threatened to break up with me if I went. She also threatened to break up with me after my sister gave me a string bracelet she’d made me before leaving for college, because my ex thought that if I put it on, I’d be “replacing her.” I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my family in any capacity unless she was there. I wasn’t allowed to have other friends, I wasn’t even allowed to spend time by myself. She got angry if I spent time on homework, if I went home to do laundry, even if I wanted to sleep. She would say I’d rather sleep than spend time with her, so I was averaging 5 hours of sleep on a GOOD night. she lived about 30 minutes away from me, and I work a lot of night shifts. 

I would often go home before going to her place to change, feed my frog, etc, and she would get FURIOUS over this. She forced me to keep my location services on at all times, despite my telling her that it made me incredibly anxious and paranoid. If she saw me at my parents’ house, my apartment, the store, ANYWHERE without me having told her that I was going there, she would call me until I picked up and explained. 

She forced me to put her fingerprint into my phone so that she could go through my phone whenever she wanted. When I expressed discomfort, I was told both by her and her mother (who genuinely thought everything I’m outlining was an okay way to treat someone, which made it really hard for ME to tell that it wasn’t because I was surrounded on all sides by people telling me the opposite) that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it shouldn’t be an issue. She read through old chats of mine, and got upset about things I’d said to people before I’d even MET her-telling my friends I loved them, etc. She would monitor my social media activity, and if I was active somewhere and hadn’t messaged her back in a few minutes, she would call me repeatedly until I picked up. If I didn’t pick up immediately-If I was in class, at work, asleep, etc, she would later cite that as a reason she couldn’t trust me.  There was one morning where I woke up and she had turned my alarm off, and was on my phone scrolling through my phone calls and asking why I had called a certain number the day before but hadn't called her (I had called my dentist's office to reschedule an appointment.) While I was at work, she texted me calling me a fucking asshole and a cheater, based off of this situation alone.

I’m an art major, and I draw a lot! I like drawing portraits, I’ll sketch people in class, etc, and when she saw that she would accuse me of being in love with the nameless stranger I’d sketched in the coffee shop or something. She told me that the figure drawing class I was taking was “basically cheating,” to the point that I dropped out of it. She would go through my sketchbook constantly, which is something that’s very personal to me and I told her this. She once again cited that if I didn’t have anything to hide, it should be fine. She got angry at me for drawing fictional characters, even guys, which. I’m a lesbian! But she would get jealous and have a meltdown. 

She CONSTANTLY accused me of looking at other girls in public, even though I truly never was. I was driving us home from somewhere once, and looked in my sideview mirror to merge lanes, and she thought I was checking out the girl who was walking by on the sidewalk and blew up at me. Multiple times, she would get upset at me while we were driving somewhere and try to jump out of my moving car over an issue such as the one I just mentioned. 

She would get mad when I wore makeup to class or work, or even dresses or nice clothes. I would tell her that I just LIKED that dress, or that I just enjoyed doing makeup, and she would say I was only doing it to ‘impress other girls.’ On the other hand, she got upset several times when I DIDN’T wear makeup when we went out, because she said I wasn’t making an effort for her. 

She got upset at me when I didn’t finish meals, which she said triggered her own issues. I explained several times that my own anxiety (not food-related, just general) messed with my appetite a LOT, and made it hard for me to eat sometimes. 

She also gets mad when I don't finish my food, and stuff like that. I get that that's because of her eating disorder, obviously, but she still takes it out on me. All of this, when I react defensively or show that I'm hurt by her accusations, she says that i'm not giving her the "reassurance" she needs.

When I brought any of this up, she would have a melt down and cite her insecurities and mental health issues. I have major anxiety and depression issues, I've been hospitalized for it before and go to therapy once a week and am also on a lot of medication for it. When I had depressive episodes, bad days, or anxiety attacks, she would often get mad at me, and said I was sulking, or she said that it must mean I didn’t love her because she didn’t make me happy enough. I usually ended up comforting her over it.

On the anxiety note, I also tend to break out in a rash on my chest and neck when I'm anxious, and I will clarify that this looks NOTHING like hickeys. My neck gets red and blotchy, and I get itchy. when this happens, she LOST it every time without fail, melting down and telling me over and over "stop lying! just tell me who it was who did you do this with," etc, etc.

She told me that if we broke up, she would probably let her own mental health issues get worse, and would stop eating all together. She also flat out LIED about this when I brought it up later, saying that I was the one who had threatened to hurt myself if we broke up. She told me this, and other people this, and made up similar stories, so much that I started to believe it. I was apologizing for my own existence by the end of it, for every word out of my mouth, I was going crazy. I didn’t even REALIZE how bad it was, until I mentioned to my sister that I hadn’t driven the 30 mins over to her house one night due to the bad weather, and she had called me and called me until I picked up, forced me to send her pictures of the roads(?) and then said she’d “rather have someone who would drive on bad roads for her.” This wasn’t even near the worst thing that had happened, but the fact that my sister CRIED over that made me take a step or two back. And I left. Like...a few weeks after that. and it was HARD, it was the hardest thing I”ve EVER had to do, because i GENUINELY thought I was condemning someone to die. Like she fucked me up that bad! I still feel guilty. But I did it! She told me that nobody else would ever love me like her, that nobody would accept my mental health issues, etc, but guess what! I did it! 

And she STILL tried to contact me, refused to leave me alone, showed up at my WORK with a letter and flowers wanting to work it out (and sure she says this was romantic, whatever, but she forced me to unblock her number and hug her and now cites that as me “still feeling the same”) and made like...several different accounts to message me on here after I kept blocking the new ones she made. 

I have NO idea what she’s saying about me, and I don’t care. I want more than anything to move on. I hope she’s happy, I do! I get really, really, angry about it sometimes and I feel horrible for the way her isolating me made me cut off some very important people in my life. I’m still hurting, but i’m HAPPY. I want to move on, I don’t want this to be who I am, it doesn’t define me and I’d love to move on and meet other people and not have this fucking haunting me! And she keeps finding ways to bring it up. I wish her no ill will, and I”m not saying she’s a bad person. I’m not! But I am entitled to my feelings in the matter, I”m allowed to say that it sucked, I’m ALLOWED to say that it was abuse because there are things that happened that I haven’t even told my therapist, because it’s too hard to think about. I’m allowed to move on. Please, please allow me to move on. 

I’m not going to answer anything else about this, maybe I shouldn’t have talked about it in any capacity on here, maybe that’s my fault. But please stop messaging me about it. 

[watchmegetobsessed]

Sober - Shawn Mendes

bartender!shawn is here! i had fun writing this onehsot, its nothing extra, but i think its very cute.

word count: 4.9k

drabble list masterlist

You can’t believe you haven’t learned in your twenty-two years that you don’t need that fourth drink. Three is your magical number, three tequilas, three beers or three glasses of wine, it doesn’t matter, three is just enough to get you tipsy, but a fourth is always taking you too far. Bad thing is that after the third you always feel like you need just one more. And once you had that fourth, the fifth, the sixth and the seventh follows pretty fast.

The pounding inside your head is now teaching you yet another lesson that will probably be forgotten the next time you go for a night out. A disgruntled growl bubbles from your dry throat as you roll to your back, even just existing feels like the hardest thing in the world. Fishing your phone from the night stand you pat yourself on the shoulder for at least plugging it in before dozing out. With flinched eyes you start scrolling through your notifications. There’s plenty.

Sadie, your best friend sent you a bunch of text when she couldn’t find you at the bar, right before you walked out of the bathroom, bumping into her. It was already after your fourth drink, making you shriek louder than you should have when you found each other.

Then she sent you some more texts through the night for God knows what reason, but your phone was deep in your purse probably. A few blurry photos, some messages in the group text, nothing out of the ordinary. Or…

One particular thing catches your tired, probably bloodshot eyes. There are a few missed calls from four am, it was around the time you got home, you remember seeing the time on the dashboard of the Uber at one point, though most of the things from after your fourth is pretty grained.

The three calls are from someone who is saved as “cute guy from bar” but you have absolutely no idea who that is. You had no one saved under this name so it must have been a new addition to your phone from last night, but no matter how hard you try to remember, you don’t know who it could be.

You take a nice shower, something your body really needed and after munching down on a granola bar you call Sadie.

“Why do we fuck it up all the time?” she growls, clearly hungover, probably already over her Advil and disgusting smoothie she swears makes her feel better after she gets drunk.

“Hey, did I meet someone last night?” you ask ignoring her question.

“Probably, no idea. I got shitfaced, I don’t remember. Why?”

“Because I had a few missed calls from someone saved as cute guy from bar and I have no idea who it could be.”

“Um…” she sighs on the other end of the line, forcing her working brain cells to try to remember anything from last night.

Sadie got a new job and you went to celebrate, though you never meant to get that drunk, it was supposed to be a chill evening, just the two of you celebrating her success. It clearly got out of hands.

“Maybe I saw you talking with a tall dude? But I can’t tell who it was or when it happened. Did you call the number back?”

“As a typical millennial I do not call unknown numbers.”

“It’s not unknown, you know it belongs to a cute guy from the bar,” she points out and even though she is kinda right, you’re still not going to call back that number. Your social anxiety is stronger than that.

“Maybe I’ll pop in tonight when I’m walking Charlie, ask if they remember anything,” you say your thoughts out loud.

“Oh, so you don’t call the number back, but you are willing to go back and ask the bartenders if they saw you with any dudes? Yeah, that adds up just right,” she mocks you. She earns an eye-roll from you that she cannot see, but she knows you well enough to know it’s what you’re doing.

“They know us, one of the guys called me by my name last night when we arrived. We literally start all our night outs in that bar.”

While you wouldn’t say it’s your haunt, but it’s true you drop by pretty often. The place looks aesthetically pleasing and it’s clean with quite friendly prices, almost equally far away from your and Sadie’s place as well. They know you by face at least and you don’t feel like it would be weird to ask them if they remember anyone with you. Plus, it’s on the route you usually take with your dog, Charlie every evening.

“Okay, whatever. Update me if you find out who it is, but if you excuse me I have to shower because I smell like a rotting fish.”

A grimace crosses your face as you end the call and officially start your day.

Charlie suspects nothing when you take him for his usual evening walk, but he gives you a surprised look when you stop at the bar, pulling him back from a pole he found interest in. You scoop the fluffy Bolognese into your hands as you push the door open and walk in. They opened only an hour ago and it’s too early for the night rush to start just yet, the place is nothing like last night. Only a few people sit here and there, modestly sipping on their drinks while last night the place was packed and loud.

Walking up to the bar you’re welcomed with the pink haired girl you’ve seen several times around here and she recognizes you too, gifting you with a bright smile. You think her name is Beck, or at least this is what keeps popping up in your mind.

“Hey! Can I get you something?”

“No thanks,” you smile at her kindly. “I was hoping you could help me out a bit.”

“I’ll try,” she nods placing her palms flat out on the counter as she turns all her focus on you.

“Were you working last night?”

A knowing smile appears on her red lips and you feel your cheeks flushing. Maybe you didn’t think it through that well.

“I assume you don’t remember that we had a little chat last night, huh?”

“Oh…” you breathe out, ashamed you forgot you even talked to her. “I’m sorry, I had a little too many.”

“Don’t worry, I work at a bar, it’s the usual for me,” she chuckles lightly. “So what do you need help with?”

“I apparently met a guy and I have him in my phone saved as cute guy from bar, but I have no idea who he is and I just wanted to see if you maybe saw him with me?”

She seems deep in her thoughts, playing back her memories from last night.

“We had a pretty busy night yesterday, I remember you with your friend…”

“Yeah, Sadie was with me,” you nod, hoping she can recall something else too.

Charlie starts moving around in your hands, getting excited about something he smells, so you let him down to wonder around a bit while you investigate.

“Um, not sure,” she sighs. He eyes go over your shoulder to a guest at one of the tables. “I’ll be right back, I’ll try to think some more, stay here,” she tells you as she walks out from the bar over to the guest. Your head falls forward as you lean against the counter sighing in frustration. You really hoped to find out something about this mystery guy you met last night before you give in and just call him, but it doesn’t seem like you are getting any info about him.

Charlie gets into a fight with a bar stool and when you tell him to stop he finds something more entertaining; the legs of someone coming from the storage at the back, carrying a box full of bottles.

“Charlie, no!” you leap after him, but he is already occupied with jumping around the guy’s legs, who is trying his best not to step on him nor drop the box.

You quickly grab him and lifting him up into your arms you scold him, but all you get back as an answer is just a lick on your chin.

“I’m so sorry, he gets excited when he smells something interesting and he just blocks my voice out,” you apologize finally looking at the guy and your mouth hangs open for a moment as you find yourself staring up at the most handsome guy you’ve seen in a long time. Defined cheekbones and jawline crowned with chocolate curls and rosy cheeks with a warm smile as he looks down at you seemingly amused.

“S’alright. I know that he is still just a puppy,” he chuckles and his voice is like honey sweet and melted, if it makes sense.

“Yeah, he can be—Wait, what do you mean you know?”

How do this beautiful stranger know about Charlie’s misbehavior? Is he a dog whisperer or something?

Tall guy stares down at me for a moment, as if he was waiting for me to start laughing because I just said the most hilarious joke, but I’m confused about the situation.

“You serious now?” He places the box to the counter turning to me with his whole body this time. The white button-up wraps around his muscular body just perfectly, a silver chain shining in his neck, his thighs hidden behind his black apron. He places his large hands to his hips and you see a bird tattoo on one of his hands, but you don’t have time to take a better look at it.

“I’m sorry, but I think I’m missing something,” you chuckle awkwardly.

He narrows his eyes at you for a second, making sure you still have absolutely no idea about what’s happening, but instead of explaining it, he just grabs his phone from his back pocket and starts tapping on the screen.

You find it extremely rude that he just randomly starts browsing on Instagram or whatever when you’re talking to him and— Oh, you’re phone is ringing.

His eyes follow your hands as you fish it out of your own back pocket and your mouth hangs open for the second time as you see the name cute guy from bar shown on the screen.

“I—Uhh. So you are…”

“You can say it, I saw when you put it into your phone,” he chuckles seemingly pretty entertained as he ends the call and puts his phone away. “I assume you don’t remember me?”

“Not really. I actually came here to ask around if anyone saw me with someone, because I had these missed calls…”

“I just wanted to make sure you got home in one piece, but you didn’t answer and I didn’t want to look like a creep, blowing up your phone.”

“So um…”

You’re not sure where to take it from here, you didn’t exactly expect to actually meet the mystery guy and now your cheeks are burning, because you did not only forget all about him, but he is actually very cute and you don’t know what happened last night.

“Shawn!” Beck smiles at the tall guy and now you finally know his name. Does he knows yours? “It’s Y/N, she is looking for a guy—“

“She found him,” Shawn chuckles, his eyes playfully looking you up and down.

“Oh, really? Who was it?” Beck doesn’t seem to get it so you need to actually answer her.

“Turns out it was…” You point at Shawn. “Him!”

“Oh. Oh! Wow!” She suddenly doesn’t even know what to say. “Makes sense, you couldn’t have seen him before here, he started last week.”

“Yeah, I’m the newest guy here,” Shawn adds. “So, you wanna know what happened last night?” Shawn asks without any shame. Luckily, Beck goes back to the bar and starts unpacking the box he just brought out.

“An update would be nice,” you nod pressing your lips together.

“Take a seat, I’ll be over in a minute.”

He disappears in the back as you occupy a corner booth setting Charlie back down who happily sniffs around under the table. The unexpected turns have taken you by surprise for sure and you’re nervous to hear about last night from Shawn.

When he returns the apron is gone and he has two big glasses of water in his hands that he sets on the table before sliding into the booth across you.

“So you really don’t remember a thing?” he asks again and you shake your head no once again.

“Not too proud of it, but I shouldn’t have had anything after my third drink.”

“Yeah, the magical three drink rule,” he chuckles leaning back.

“Did I tell you about that too?” You can’t believe how much you must have talked about your life last night to a basically complete stranger.

“You did.”

“And what else? You know what? Start from the beginning, please.”

“Alright. So I was working last night. I don’t know when you got here, but when I first saw you at the bar you were clearly over your third drink.”

“Oh God,” you sigh in shame, closing your eyes knowing that you can be a handful when you drink.

“Don’t worry, you were fine, just clearly tipsy,” he grins at you amused. “You told me I look cute and then ordered two tequilas. I thought you’re sharing it with your friend, but you chugged them down both. It was pretty badass.”

“The headache I got from them wasn’t,” you comment mumbling under your breath.

“You kept coming to me when you ordered and we just started talking. Then when I told you I’m going on a break you said you needed fresh air too, so you came out with me.”

“You could have just told me to leave you alone,” you sigh feeling sorry you harassed him in his break.

“Why would have? You kept me amazing company.”

“I did?”

“Yeah, you told me about your dog,” he starts glancing down at Charlie who is now curled up under the table. “You talked about a shitty movie you saw last week and then you told me about how your douche ex never took you out on a real date.”

“So I basically loaded everything out on you,” you conclude.

“But in a cute way.”

You can’t not notice how he used the word cute in connection with you. He has definitely caught your eye, sober and drunk as well and you feel so stupid that you don’t even remember what you talked with him about, but at least he thinks it was cute.

“You and your friend left around three, I think. I would have took you home, but my shift ended at four. Tried to call you but…”

“But I never answered.”

“Yeah,” he nods.

“I’m sorry this all happened in such an unfortunate way. I swear I don’t get that drunk too often.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he smiles shrugging in dismiss. “Everyone deserves to wind down sometimes.”

“So you have blackouts sometimes too?” you arch an eyebrow and Shawn lets out a delightful chuckle.

“Rarely, but I’ve had a few wild nights too.”

The conversation gets kind of stuck here. You don’t know if you should chat some more, apologize again or just leave. He is seriously the best looking guy you’ve met since splitting from your ex a while ago. Your dating game hasn’t been the best lately and now you struggle to put up a flirty attitude and try to hit on Shawn.

“There is something else,” he suddenly speaks up and glancing over at him you realize how nervous he looks all of a sudden. Scratching the back of his neck he licks his lips peeking at you with those warm brown eyes.

“Did I strip on top of a table or something?” you ask half-jokingly. You wouldn’t be surprised if you actually did something similar.

“Now,” he chuckles shaking his head. “It’s something I did.”

“Alright.”

“I kind of asked you out last night.”

“Oh.”

“And you said yes.”

“Of course I did,” you blurt out before you could stop yourself, making him laugh once again. At least he is entertained by you even if it’s making you want to dissolve from the planet.

“You’re cute when you’re nervous,” he grins at you and your cheeks immediately blush.

Despite the absurdity of how you met Shawn he is still the hottest and kindest man you’ve met lately and him calling you cute just fuels your attraction towards him.

“But I was supposed to pick you up tonight, though I don’t think you remember the details,” he smirks at you knowingly. “Unfortunately I was called in, because Mike’s daughter got sick, so I’m stuck here until four.”

“Oh.” You can’t help but feel disappointed even though you only found out that you were supposed to be going out on a date about two minutes ago. It still got you excited.

“But I was thinking and if you are not too tired later, you could swing by for the last hour, we usually empty out by then. I can make you a few drinks and then take a walk around?”

The idea sounds fantastic. To be honest he could have offered anything, you would have been happy with it regardless.

“Only if you want. But we can find another day and do a raincheck,” he adds, but you shake your head no.

“It’s fine! I’ll just… go home, nap a little and come back later,” you offer, a bit worried how you’re gonna stay awake for that long, but that nap sounds actually nice.

“Great!” he smiles and you heart skips a beat at how cute he is. “I have to go back now, but I guess see you later, right?”

He slips out of the booth and you mumble a goodbye before he disappears at the back. You scoop Charlie up and after finishing his walk you rush back home. There are still a few hours to spare before you have to head back to the bar to meet up with Shawn and since your hangover is still pretty present you lie down for that said nap. It’s a little past midnight when your phone wakes you up and the extreme time throws you off a little, but you start getting ready anyway, feeling excited to see Shawn again.

It’s almost three when you get back to the bar and just as Shawn said, the party has died down by now though quite a few guests are still going at it. You look around carefully, your eyes searching for those chocolate curls and you see him at the bar, serving some beers for two guys with a kind smile on his perfectly carved face.

Taking a deep breath you walk over and when he sees you his smile grows wider. Naturally, he is wearing the same clothes, but his face looks shiny, probably from the heat inside, but even this looks amazing on him.

“You came!” he cheers as you take a stool at the counter.

“Of course! How has work been since we saw each other?”

“Pretty normal,” he shrugs. “What can I get you to drink? It’s on me.”

“Surprise me,” you smirk, hoping to look as sexy as you feel on the inside.

You watch him get around behind the bar, grabbing a glass and all the liquors he needs for your drink. He is passing around the bottles so easily and carefree as if he doesn’t have any fear of dropping them. His large hands grab on them steadily. Once everything is in the shaker he mixes your drink and you can’t stop staring at how his bicep is coming through his tight shirt.

“Here, it’s my secret recipe,” he smirks proudly as he places the nicely decorated glass with liquor in it that goes from deep purple to pink smoothly.

“Wow, this looks amazing!”

He shrugs shyly as he throws a rag over his shoulder, watching you curiously as you take a sip from the drink. First it tastes like blueberry, but it has a strawberry aftertaste and right when you think it’s about to die down the mint fills your mouth, perfectly covering the bitter taste of what tastes like vodka.

“You like it?” he asks, his tongue sliding over his lips.

“It’s amazing!” you moan as the sweet drink caresses your tongue with each sip. “It should be on the menu.”

“Maybe one day,” he chuckles lightly.

You lounger around at the bar, Shawn continuously stopping at you and you manage to keep up a normal conversation even with him constantly walking away to take care of something. When it’s closing time you leave your spot at the bar and wait for Shawn at the back door. The night has been pretty fun and chill so far, but the end of a date is always stressful. Will they go for a kiss? Should you go for that kiss? Is it okay to invite him over? Do you want him to spend the night?

When Shawn walks out you forget about everything you’ve been thinking about. The white shirt is gone, he is wearing some kind of vintage, short-sleeved shirt and you’ve never seen anyone look this good in light pink. His black pants have been changed to light washed denim and you honestly think he was a gift of the gods from above.

“So, how about I walk you home?” he offers as he throws his backpack over his shoulders. You shyly nod as you slowly head to your apartment.

He tells you about his crazy work stories, because he has quite a few. He has been working as a bartender for years, no wonder why he is so good at it. You start asking each other silly, weird questions and most of them just make you laugh. The city is oddly quiet at this hour, but you like how the whole street is yours, the buildings echo your voice.

Your hand brushes against his accidentally and it’s just the perfect opportunity for him to hold it, but he doesn’t do it. You can’t help but feel a little disappointed, but you tell yourself maybe he likes to take it slow. After all, this is your first real, sober conversation.

You wish it took longer to walk home, because even with the slow, wandering pace it only took you twenty minutes to get to your place.

“Well, this is it,” you nervously say stopping. He glances up at the tall building with a small nod.

You don’t want him to go, you want him to come up and just talk and talk and talk some more. It feels like the most natural thing on Earth to talk to him. Hoping you don’t cross the line you invite him up.

“Do you want to maybe have a drink? I don’t have anything fancy at home, but I think I have a nice white wine in the fridge,” you offer and relief washes over your body when you see him smile.

“That sounds great.”

Charlie is happy to see your guest, Shawn scoops him up into his arms as the god happily licks his face. For your biggest luck the wine is sitting right there in your fridge. You pour it out into two glasses and handing over one to Shawn the two of you sit outside on your balcony, your favorite spot in your apartment, because the view is amazing.

What you love the most is that it doesn’t get awkward. There are no sensitive questions or weird answers, you feel like you think alike so much that it’s like you’ve always known him.

You only realize how late, or early, it is when you see the Sun coming up on the horizon. Shawn wants to leave, but you tell him it’s easier if he just stays here. You don’t ask if he wants to take the other side of your bed, because it’s obvious he is eyeing the couch, for your biggest disappointment. You give him a pillow and a blanket and saying goodnight, or more like good morning, you go to bed.

It’s past noon when you wakeup, your sleep schedule is going to be pretty messed up in the next few days for sure. Walking out of your bedroom you expect to find Shawn sleeping on the couch, but there’s no trace of him. The blanket is neatly folded, sitting on the pillow in the couch, the wine glasses are washed and you weren’t the one doing it, you just left them in the sink before you went to bed.

You’re more than disappointed that he wasn’t there and you immediately reach for your phone to call him, but it goes straight to voicemail. Putting Charlie on leash you rush down and head to the bar thinking maybe he got called in again, but arriving you realize it’s not even open yet.

“I guess he didn’t like the date as much as I did,” you mumble to Charlie who just stare sup at you confused.

With your head low you walk home, thinking about the possibilities why he left without a word. You enjoyed every minute of it and it seemed like he shared it. Secretly you were hoping he would kiss you at one point, but you were fine with taking it slow. Unfortunately it seems like he wasn’t taking it slow, he was practically bailing out.

As you walk down the hallway towards your apartment you freeze when you see the tall, curly-haired guy at your door, two coffees in is hands and a brown bag, probably filled with pastries, a concerned look taints his pretty face.

“Shawn?” you ask and Charlie is already ahead of you, running towards him.

“Hey! Oh God, I was so worried!” he breathes out as he picks Charlie up and waits as I get there too.

“Worried? About what?” you ask in confusion while unlocking the door and he follows you inside.

“I ran down to get you coffee and breakfast for letting me stay, but the door was locked when I got back and my phone is inside, dead because I didn’t ask for a charger either.”

“Oh,” is all you can say.

He sets everything down to your kitchen counter before grabbing his phone from the coffee table, something you didn’t even notice.

“I thought…” you start, but you don’t finish the thought feeling so stupid.

“Did you think I just left?”

“Well what should have I thought? You had the chance to hold my hand but you didn’t, you willingly took the couch but you could have slept with me in my bed and you didn’t make a move to even try to kiss me,” you ramble about everything that’s been bothering you, while he just stands there, staring down at you intensely with those beautiful brown eyes of his.

When you’re done you dare to look at him and a smile is hiding on his lips.

“Y/N, I’m sorry if I was confusing. I just thought… You drank last night and didn’t want you to do anything you don’t want because you drank. You completely forgot about the time we met because of the alcohol, didn’t want to happen it again. I wanted to make sure everything that happens between us is because you wanted it.”

He truly is the sweetest person alive. Any guy wouldn’t have a second thought before making a move on you, but he remained a gentleman just because you had a cocktail and two glasses of wine. It was just enough to make you feel giddy, but nowhere near drunk.

“Jesus, and I was thinking you changed your mind about me,” you sigh in relief. “I didn’t understand, because you seemed to be enjoying yourself last night, so I was really disappointed when you weren’t here.”

“I just wanted to surprise the cute girl from the bar with a noon breakfast after the best date ever,” he smirks and walking closer he stops only a few inches away from you. “I guess you haven’t drunk today, right?” he asks, his large hands gently sliding to your waist as he pulls you closer to his body.

“No, I’m one hundred percent sober right now,” you whisper, lips getting dangerously close to his as you lay your palms to his shoulders.

“Then you don’t mind if I do this, right?”

It’s a rhetorical question, because before you could reply his lips press to yours, kissing you firmly. Just like how your minds worked in sync last night, your lips do just the same. It’s like you were meant to be kissing him till the end of life, it feels perfectly right.

You take your time, exploring each other in an innocent way, just kissing and touching, nothing more. After what feels like forever you lean back, looking up at the wonderful man in your arms.

Smiling down at you he licks his lips before pecking the corner of your mouth shortly.

“I think next time I’m staying here I’m alright with sleeping in your bed with you,” he comments and you can’t hold your laughter back before he leans down and kisses you once more.

[cravingcrazewriting]

Cut My Hair

Trigger Warning- Mentions of suicide attempt and seizures

Having a brain tumor was never fun.

Everything was fine after junior year. Evan had an internship at Ellison State Park and despite still not having anyone to hang around with, it was still better than other years.

But then his head started to hurt. Then he had a seizure. And before he knew it, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and had to stay at the hospital and be prepared for surgery.

Surgery was extremely expensive, and it wasn't like he or his mom had money for that, but thankfully, his grandmother (on his mom's side) had sent down a check that covered over half of the payment. Evan felt a bit bad that she did that, because she was retired and she should be using that money for herself, not him.

He needed two different types of treatment. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy. Evan hated the radiation therapy, but it did help him. However, the surgery was still inevitable.

But the doctors were worried about a lack of socialization, so they decided to fix that. They decided they'd introduce Evan to another patient who was recently admitted into the hospital.

Someone who had just recently survived a suicide attempt, and was known for being emotionally unstable.

Yeah, that was definitely a smart idea.

Evan met him randomly at one point of day, with no warning whatsoever. Well, no forewarning, because the nurse came in and told him the mystery patient was coming in. Still, it wasn't enough time to mentally prepare himself.

The latter was named Connor, and he had long, brown hair that stopped at the bottom his chest. The normal hospital scrubs revealed red healing scars on his arms. He was like any other generic hospital patient, with heavy bags under his eyes.

"Sorry in advance that you're being dragged into my bullshit," Connor had mumbled, crossing his arms. "I'm Connor Murphy. You probably go to the same school as me, because there's only our school and the private school, and I'm positive I've seen you around."

That shouldn't have meant as much to Evan as it should've, but he was used to be forgetful, a single thought, in one ear and out the other, an outcast, but at least someone noticed him a little bit. "Y-Yeah, er, Eastwood High, r-right?"

Connor snapped his fingers. "Right! It's.. Evan, right? Evan Hansen? People pick... on you.." and he trails off, as a daunting truth falls on him. That he noticed Evan was being picked on, but didn't do anything. "I get picked on, too. I thought I'd make it worse if I tried interfering," he said defensively.

That piece of information doesn't scathe Evan, however, as he's finally been seen, and not as an inconvenience, not as the family friend, not as the burden full son, just another outcast at school, and as sad as that is, he can't help but mind it. Connor is just barely above him in the school's chain, but that only makes him more prime of a target. He doesn't find it very fair, but he'd never find the courage to smack talk the popular kids.

"N-no, no, you're okay! I.. I get it. And I'm Evan, yes," Evan was smiling like a huge dork, but he couldn't help it. He was finally seen, after so long, and even if the situation wasn't ideal, it still meant the world to him.

Connor was obviously trying to hold back a smile, but was failing. "So Hansen, got any hobbies?"

And Evan was off, talking about how before the doctors discovered his brain tumor that he had interned as an apprentice ranger at Ellison, and that he learned a ton about trees, and told Connor a little bit about it. Connor didn't make fun of him about it, though, unlike Jared, who'd say Evan must've had a tree kink or something, which was just a dick move because there wasn't a lot of things that sparked Evan's interest like that. Connor, in fact, talked about how everyone needed to help clean the environment and apparently he was passionate about that, so they had a common interest (Evan though, at least. He was never sure).

They hung out a lot and just talked. It made Evan feel normal, like there wasn't something inside his brain trying to kill him.

Jared visited with his family, and he actually seemed to feel bad for Evan. He'd purchased a small potted plant to help brighten up his hospital room. Evan appreciated it greatly.

Nearing the end of the week, Connor had told him he was going to be released at the start of the next week, and asked Evan for his number. Of course they exchanged numbers.

Evan wanted to spend as much time as possible with Connor, but it was growing harder for him to focus or not be throwing his guts out. He was having more seizures than ever.

Apparently this meant that the surgery had to be moved to an earlier date.

Evan didn't get a chance to tell Connor because it happened so fast. He felt incredibly bad. One minute his mom was talking to the surgeon, and the next he was given antibiotics to knock him out.

He had rested a lot, feeling weak from the surgery. It was successful according to the surgeon, which was a huge relief to him and his mother.

Did he forget to mention he had to get his head completely shaved? It felt embarrassing, but Heidi tried to help. She bought him a dark blue beanie so no one would bug him that much.

Evan was soon able to muster enough strength to look at his phone. He received a shit ton from Connor regarding the surgery.

Connor:

The nurses aren't letting me see u. Is everything ok?

Connor:

I tried asking them but they won't answer

Connor:

Ev, what's going on?

Connor:

Ev?

Connor:

I'm kinda freaked out. Pls respond asap

Connor:

Holy shit

Connor:

Ur mom told me. I'm sorry

Connor:

I hope it goes well

Connor:

Hey!! Heard the surgery went ok. How're u feeling?

Connor:

Heidi said ur resting. I'll leave u be

Connor:

Ok I lied

Connor:

I miss talking with u. But u need rest

Connor:

We'll hang out this summer, right? I'm somehow not going to rehab

Connor:

Fuck, I'll stop now. Just respond when ur better

Evan sighed. Connor claimed not to be talkative, but this proved otherwise. It was just too exhausting to try and corollate words that he pulled up SnapChat and took a photo of his bedsheets. He added a caption saying "hey, sorry I scared you" before sending it to the latter.

After a few minutes, Connor had responded with a picture of where his door used to reside. "It's okay," the caption read, "it isn't your fault"

A picture of the heart monitor was sent next. "What happened to your door?"

Connor sent back a picture of his black sketchbook. It wasn't opened. "Dad took it down. He thinks it'll help monitor me"

Evan moved the conversation to a chat, because he was running out of things to take pictures of, and switching apps seemed like a hassle to him.

"Well, he's trying"

"Can I tell you something?"

Of course, this made Evan anxious, but he knew Connor. In the five days they were together they already were growing close, probably because they were both incredibly lonely. Cliche as it might've sounded to anyone else, but Evan trusted him.

"Sure what is it?"

But of course Evan didn't get a response right away. SnapChat sent him a message saying 'Connor Murphy is typing...", and after he pulled up their conversation, there was the ever long three blue dots waiting for him, signaling that Connor was typing a response. But he took forever and it didn't help the anxiety quelling in his chest.

Then, he finally got a response.

"I like you. Like, a lot more than I probably should. And I know it's stupid, because we've only known each other for a week, but I know you're different than everyone else. You actually listen to me, you make me feel safe, and I don't want to loose you. I get it if you don't like the school shooter or whatever, I just don't want to loose you. Please."

And, of course Evan was flattered, and it was hard to corollate what he wanted to say through text, but he didn't want to keep Connor waiting so he could spiral, so he frantically typed out a response.

"I don't think it's stupid. I think it's super sweet, and I like you back. Even if you don't believe it, I'll do everything I can to prove it to you (also, don't call yourself a school shooter. You're so much more than that)"

Evan remembered how the next day Connor had came in, holding huge stuffed bear for him, smiling sheepishly as he set it on his bed, and asked him out on a date to A La Mode when he was released.

Evan had enthusiastically accepted, and couldn't help but anticipate the date.

Connor never made a big deal out of his hair being cut off. He did know Evan was self conscious of it, and made an effort to kiss the back of his head and reassure him that he didn't care about his lack of hair.

As much as this helped, Evan felt like he was being stared at in public, and he kept his head down, eyes glued to the floor. He did however notice Connor glaring at anyone who muttered a thing about it, or looked at him the wrong way.

One day, when he watching Chopped out of boredom, he received a text message from Connor, asking if he could come over. Evan told him he was more than fine with it, and waited for the latter to arrive.

What he wasn't expecting was Connor, with ear length hair.

"What, what h-happened? Did your dad, d-did he make you cut it?" Evan of course liked it, he thought it was cute, but it didn't stop his anxiety from going haywire.

"Nope," he popped the 'p', smiling, hiding something behind his back. "I did it willingly. Can you let me inside so I'll show you your surprise?"

Evan nodded, moving out of his way so Connor could step into the house. Afterwards, Connor said, "Now close your eyes, and take off your beanie."

Evan didn't know what that had to do with anything but complied, awkwardly standing there as he listened to Connor rummage through a paper bag, and felt something soft being placed onto his head.

Connor carefully put the beanie back on afterwards and gently took ahold of his shoulders. "Alrighty, now follow my lead."

Evan tried his best not to stumble around as Connor lead him to who knew where in his house. He felt Connor stop and stopped as well.

"Okay, you can open your eyes!" Connor told him, and he sounded oddly excited.

Evan slowly opened his eyes and gasped. There on his head, sat a brown wig, and his beanie was placed on top of it. It was styled a bit like Connor's, but it stopped near the end of his neck.

"Connor! Holy shit, h-how'd you do this?" Evan turned to him.

Connor was smiling and shifting from foot to foot. "Cynthia knows someone who makes wigs, so I went to her shop and cut my hair for your wig."

"You didn't have to do this..." he said softly.

"Evan, I'd cut my hair a million times if it'd make you happy," Connor took his hands and held them.

Evan swung them back and forth. "You're.. god. You're so amazing, but like, really corny, too."

Connor snorted. "Wow, I'm feeling the love, all right."

"Hey, thanks for, you know, doing this," Evan gently brushed a bang out of Connor's face.

"Well how else was I supposed to make you get a matching hair color?"

"Oh my god, shut up!"

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

I have decided to submit a second letter almost immediately following the first. The reason being is:

In my last letter I mentioned that I had met a boy. A boy who loves me for me. And I’ve been afraid to tell people how we got together, because I feel like it was a low-down/dirty thing. But at the same time, it wasn’t.

So, my babe and I actually met through… an ex. The first guy I started dating after my dating hiatus, he was a sweet kid. But, as E (my babe), likes to say “He’s a puppy. Short attention span, and no matter what, everywhere we go he has to sniff everyones butt”. He doesn’t mean it in a mean way necessarily. He means it more that the guy is very social. He’s very nice, he has to say hi to everyone in a room because that’s just his personality. He’s outgoing (people ask me all the time how we even dated, but that’s one of the biggest reasons we broke up). Anyways…

Because he’s so social this boy had wracked up tons of friends. And I mean a whole butt tonne. This boy knew people from all over our area, of varying age groups… Etc.

The first time I met E, was when my ex took me over to meet the older portion of his large group of friends. All were between 2-5 years older than me (my ex and I are same age so, also much older than him). But all super nice, super sweet and super accepting people. We met up at E’s place a few cities away from mine, and we decided to go to a beach relatively nearby. This was when my ex really introduced us. He introduced E as the guy with the "most amazing crazy ex stories". Out of curiousity, I wound up sitting next to E the entire time we were at the beach. We laughed, he told me some crazy stories, we drank a little. We had an incredible and laughter filled night off in our own little bubble. Barely anyone bothered us - not even my ex - and we clicked right away.

He left an impression that - years later - I couldn’t shake.

The next time I saw him was brief, very brief. My ex and I were getting ready to go on a camping trip and E was lending us his canoe. We wound up just going in (I know that sounds bad, but listen, his house is always unlocked and has a doors always open policy. Him and his family just ask you let them know you are there). I got to see his bedroom, see him shirtless. He was… He… Left an impression every time I saw the boy. He rolled out of bed, he helped us load the canoe. We barely spoke. But still. Damn.

The next time we met was at a bar. It was one of my exes birthday, and they were going out to a common hang out - but what was actually a shit hole - in a shit city. I was the DD so I couldn’t drink. My ex promised to stick with me, as public spaces fuck with my anxiety fueled brain. He promised, and as expected, once drunk, could not fulfill. He wandered off and couldn’t understand why I needed someone with me if I knew a lot of the people there already. But I did. It doesn’t matter if I had previously met them. What mattered was I barely knew them. But then, like a goddamn knight in shining armour, E pulls up beside me in the bar. He spends a good portion of the night with me. Striking up conversation, quelling my anxiety, playing pool with me. It was an amazing and fun night. One of the only nights I have ever been truly comfortable and able to enjoy myself at a bar while out with a large group.

But suddenly, I went to grab a soda, and E was gone. He had gone out for a smoke and came back with a determination to avoid me. I wondered all night if I had done something wrong, if I had flirted (which would have been wrong), or said something wrong or did something inappropriate. (I later found out none of this was the case, to a degree. He told me he realized that at the bar he was behaving more like my bf than my actual bf and had a sneaking suspicion that I may have been coming onto him. So he backed off.)

The next time I saw him was at my exes birthday party. Which, was a similar situation, again, to a degree. Same thing, party, drunk people, lots of noise. Tons of anxiety and people I didn’t know. But this time, we were at his house. So I could have easily snuck off and took some alone time. But I couldn’t. My ex - super social, super prone to leaving me hanging high and dry while he wandered off to greet people and strike up conversations with his friends - was annoyed that I seemed to be putting a damper on the evening my disappearing. His friends would notice that I was gone and ask him things about my location and whatnot. And he would come in and find me, more annoyed every time.

E found me eventually and had me sitting under the canopy for a long while discussing movies and his lack of viewing of cinematic classics. To the point where it annoyed my ex that we were talking so much. He pulled me apart from E, and proceeded to give E dirty looks the rest of the night. Every time E and I would start to talk, there was my ex breathing down my neck, looking for any opportunity to enter the conversation and throw us off each other. It almost worked.

The last time before we actually got together that I was E was NYE 2016. My ex wanted to go to E’s annual NYE party*. I was okay with that. I knew I was likely to be left alone by my ex, but that didn’t bother me. This was a party, that specifically E was throwing. So I knew he was going to be there, and I was honestly excited.

In true puppy fashion, overexcited by the large crowd of people, my ex immediately went to do what he does best, sniff peoples butts. He wandered the whole party, and I was expecting as much. I felt overwhelmed at first, but then found E and found comfort in hogging his attention. E made me drinks all night long, let me bum around, made great conversation. He made me feel comfortable. My ex only showed up every once in awhile, simply to drive a wedge between E and I. I don’t blame him, I never did. I wasn’t cheating, but I might as well have been. I found myself thinking of E as my ex and I fell kissed at midnight and I found myself wondering what it would be like to be kissing him instead.

We fell asleep, the next day… I wish I would have known that that would have been my last time seeing him in… years.

Jump forward to July of 2019. From January of 2017 till now, E would pop into my head every once in awhile. As I said before, he made an impression. I would think of his blonde hair, his blue eyes, his charming smile, endless patience… I would think of him as a whole, and I would find myself smiling. I had no real reason to, but even just the thought of the boy made me smile. I found myself…. Smitten by a boy I never even got to kiss.

During the years, I kept up with my ex. We talked every once in awhile. We weren’t friends but we were definitely present in each others lives. We would congratulate one another on stuff, would catch up every once in awhile… He would ask me to sleep with him or join a threesome with him and his new lady because they have an open relationship.

I tried hard for a long time to push E out of my head. Just because my ex and I still spoke, doesn’t mean he would be okay if I asked for E’s number. I didn’t ever think he would be. And I could never figure out what I was going to say if I did start talking to E outside of the confines of social gatherings through my ex. I let sleeping dogs lie. Tried to push him out, tried to move on. But still, I constantly found myself thinking of those baby blues, and those big… soft… lips… And I found myself often just thinking of or hearing his name and grinning like a doofus.

There was a moment, in the beginning of July, where I was driving to work and… There he was. In my head, smiling, baby blues watching me contently. I was in a place where… mentally I had stopped caring about a lot. I found myself thinking to myself… Well, it’s been 2 years or more even. Nothing could hurt asking for his number. The worst ex could do is say no. So there I was. On instagram, asking my ex how E was doing, and if I could have his number.

I reached out to E through text - despite my exes warnings he might not text back - and asked if it was weird I had reached out? I claimed I just wanted to be friends and get to know him, because he used to be the kind of people I wanted to surround myself with. And that’s not a lie! I do enjoy people like him, and feel my life would be considerably better with people like him. He said it was no problem as he often wondered similar things - how I was doing, what I had been up to, how life was treating me. I asked if he wanted to hang out that weekend.

He said he would be home all weekend, and if I wanted to come around on literally any day I was more than welcome to.

I went on Friday evening. He came out looking awkward, shy and adorable. Hands in pockets as he watched me carefully. We went in, it was just him and I. He offered me a drink. I looked as cute as humanly possible.

“Hey, E?”

“Yeah?”

“When would be an ideal time to tell you I had some ulterior motive to coming here tonight?”

“Now? I guess?” He watched me carefully, hesitantly. Sipped on his drink, put it down, and did one of his nervous ticks - which was tightly intertwining his fingers together.

“I came over here because I kind of have a crush on you. I think I have since I was dating ex. And I wanted to see if you felt the same way.”

And he breathed a sigh of relief. See, it was kind of shitty for us to admit, but during the course of my relationship with my ex we clicked. Really clicked. We were genuinely interested in one another. Conversation flowed smoothly, we always laughed, had fun, and he helped with my anxiety a lot.

Both of us were worried as to how my ex would react to us asking for the others number. We weren’t sure if he would swiftly grow to hate us because of the feelings we had pushed down for so long.

E has been single for 8 years, so for him to find someone worth his time is extremely surprising to everyone. I make him happy, and vice versa. So none of his friends - not even my ex - have been judging us or upset with us or looking down at us.

He’s everything I could have asked for and more though. Honestly. He cooks, cleans, hosts me all weekend. Is kind, caring and loving. He is good and patient with me, with my anxiety and depression as well.

It took us two years to get back to one another. And honestly, I think a lot of his friends knew before we did. But it took 2 years, and I genuinely believe that over those two years I had grown to love him in a weird part of my heart. In a big, unused part that felt designated for him, and only him. Now, it just feels like we are playing catch up.

Thanks for listening again Charlie. Sorry for the two letters in one day. I hope no one judges me for this.

Love always,

V

P.S *E throws a NYE party every year. Usually he invites all his friends, and they’re allowed to bring any lonely hearts with them too. His parents are usually somewhere around, sometimes even more of his family too. This is what impresses me… Ready? He makes homemade stuffed crust pizza, he acts as bartender and gives drinks to everyone and anyone. He acts as a kind a gracious host. But, you check your keys at the door. You hand them over. And at the end of the night - after midnight - when you’re good and wasted, there’s somewhere to sleep for you in that house. To avoid the drunk driving. Everyone stays if they drink. No negotiation. In the morning, he gets up and makes everyone breakfast. You help by cleaning up your sleeping area, and help with the tidying up a little. It’s a fantastic NYE tradition, and I’m so happy to help set up, clean up and host this year!

[she-is-tim]

Neighbours AU part 3  Apologies

Lucas is a young, exhausted musician who just tries to relax, while Eliott is the overexcited, dubstep loving artist who lives next door.

Aka Lucas confronts his annoying neighbour who turns out to be gorgeous

Part 1, Part 2

Tuesday 16:34

Two days passed since Sunday and Lucas was still not over Eliott. He had high hopes and for that he got hit hard by the ground. He was glad, that his neighbour didn’t try to contact him since or that he haven’t seen him. It would be hard to sand face to face, knowing that he has a girlfriend, knowing that Lucas had false expectations from him. Everything was just a mess right now, he couldn’t touch the piano ever since.

His phone started buzzing like crazy on the coffee table, he was laying on the couch, his right leg touching the floor. He reached for his phone and picked up the call. 

“Hello.” he mumbled. His voice was a bit cracked, not from crying, that would be a stupid thing to do, but because he just got home from work and was talking all day.

“Dude! Hey!” Basile screamed from the other side, Lucas had to keep the phone away from his ear in order to not go deaf. 

“Basile... What do you want?” he asked with a tired voice, he was really not in the mood to listen to his friend’s bullshit. 

“Listen here, there’s gonna be a big party tomorrow night. Yann said you’re not working on Thursday, so you should come too.” he said with a lot of excitement in his voice. “It’s gonna be fun.”

“Bas, you know that I hate going to parties.” 

“You can’t just sit at home and snuggle on the couch, crying after some guy.” he said now seriously, this was unusual from Basile. “That guy doesn’t deserve you.” Lucas smiled a little hearing his silly friend being so nice to him. 

“Okay, I’ll go.” he said.

“YES! Okay, we’ll be meeting at Yann’s tomorrow around 19:00, okay? We’re gonna get so wasted!” he said excitedly, speaking so fast, Lucas barely catched the time. Then Basile just hung up.

Lucas put his phone back to the coffee table and looked at the ceiling. Maybe it wasn’t a bad idea to go to a party. He haven’t been in any since high school,but hanging out with the gang was always a lot of fun. Besides, he has to forget Eliott, since he’s a lost case anyways.

He got up from the couch and walked to the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea, but he noticed something on the floor, in front of the door. He walked there and picked up a carefully folded piece of paper. He unfolded it and his heart skipped a beat. It was a drawing, the paper was split in the middle by a line that was supposed to represent the wall, on the right side there was a raccoon, a sad one actually, looking at the wall nervously, while on the left side was a cute hedgehog sitting at a piano, playing some nice melodies. There were two words on the bottom of the paper. Forgive me

Lucas was staring at it for long minutes before he could move to the kitchen. He put the paper on the counter and turned on the kettle. He kept glancing over where the drawing was. He knew Eliott draws himself as a raccoon, they talked about it on saturday, but he couldn’t get over the fact that he drew him as a hedgehog. When the water got hot, he poured some in a mug, making himself a nice mint and strawberry tea. He left the kitchen, not looking at the drawing this time and flopped down on the couch, turning on his tv, watching some stupid comedy on Netflix.

Tuesday 19:17

He slipped the drawing under the door for Lucas hours ago and he still had no idea what the boy was thinking of it. He was too scared to talk to him, so he tried his best, approaching him by the ony thing he was good at: art. He was thinking about Lucas’ spirit animal since he stepped into his apartment, but this morning he just woke up to the thought that Lucas must be a grumpy hedgehog. His back is spikey, getting scared easily, but actually the most adorable animal that exists. 

Lucille left on Monday, early in the morning, so he was alone ever since. He got better, but he still couldn’t touch his phone or go near his laptop. He was afraid of social interactions for a long time after his anxiety attacks. It wasn’t easy, especially since he should be working on his project. The deadline was coming closer each day. He couldn’t let this chance to slip away because of his stupid mind.

He walked around in the living room, thinking about Lucas. His smell was already gone, which made Eliott feel much more lonely than he used to be. Knowing that the person he desires is right next to you, but you can’t reach him is a really painful thing to think about. His phone dragged him out of these angsty thoughts when it pinged. He reached for it with shaking hands, just to check the message, he didn’t wanted to reply.

From Lucille:  We’re going out tomorrow, 20:00, wear something nice

Fuck.

Wednesday 19:56

The party was loud, it was hosted by one of their high school friend, Alexandre. Lucas noticed a lot of familiar faces, like Emma, Daphné, Imane. The music was bursting so loud, Lucas’ chest was shaking from it, or maybe it was the booze starting to kick in. They had a couple drinks at Yann’s place before they came, just to set the mood for the party.

The living room was emptied to be a perfect dance floor, Lucas was chilling on the couch that was pushed to the wall in the corner, drinking some beer. People seem to have fun, they were yelling, dancing, kissing...

Arthur, Yann and Basile was talking to Alex, who was really happy that they boys came. This party was like a high school reunion, which kinda made Lucas feel better. He liked his high school years, even if it was hard at first. When he accepted his own sexuality, coming out to all of his friends, he got so much support that he was never expecting. It was overwhelming, making him extremely happy. 

Now he was back, but felt like he didn’t belong here. He was a quiet musician, an exhausted adult who never went out to have fun, make out with someone he will never gonna meet again or have one night stands. He wanted love, a significant other by his side and his thoughts went back to saturday, when he was with Eliott. Fuck!

He shook his head and chugged his beer, going for another one in the kitchen. He’s going to get wasted and have fun, not thinking about his neighbour tonight.

Two hours later Lucas was very, very drunk, dancing in the middle of the living room like there’s no tomorrow. He took off his hoodie, leaving it on the couch like 40 minutes ago, now he was only wearing a navy blue shirt and dark grey jeans. Somewhere along the lines he started pressing his body to a really nice looking guy, he wasn’t even close to Eliott’s beauty, but he seemed to like the closeness of Lucas and that was more than enough for him. He wrapped his arms around him, rocking his hips, while rubbing their chest together. 

The guy slid his arms on Lucas’ waist, pulling him closer and kissing his neck a few times. The alcohol hit his head so much, he barely could feel the lips touching his skin. His body was hot, his mind went blank and he just wanted to forget. 

They didn’t needed more than ten minutes to end up making out on the couch, ignoring all the people around them. No one really gave a fuck, since basically everyone was doing the same somewhere in the house. Lucas was too drunk to think straight, so he just went with the flow, letting the guy to kiss him wildly, rubbing their crotch together. 

Things escalated quickly, he didn’t remember when the guy took off his shirt, but his eyes popped open when he started to unzipp his jeans. Lucas grabbed the guy’s hand, trying to stop him, but he was too drunk and too weak.

“Don’t worry, sweetie, you’re gonna enjoy it.” he whispered into his ears. Lucas shivered and tried to resist, but his mind was too dizzy.

He closed his eyes, when he heard a noise, a body landing on the floor. He looked into the direction and he saw Eliott, holding Lucas’ shirt he probably picked up from the floor and looking at the guy, who was sitting on the floor. Some of the guests looked at them, being interested in the drama.

“Don’t touch him!” Eliott hissed, clenching his fist so much, his veins popped out.

Lucas sat up, holding his head, cause he was still pretty drunk. He grabbed Eliott’s arm, softly squeezing it. 

“What are you doing here?” he mumbled, even though he didn’t actually care. It made him happy that Eliott was here and he saved him from this random guy.

Eliott now looked at him, his eyes softened and knelt down, stroking Lucas’ face. His touch was like electricity, waking up his mind from the dizziness all those beer caused. 

“Let’s get you home.” he said softly, giving Lucas his shirt back. 

A couple hard moments later Eliott finally reached his goal to get Lucas stand up from the couch. He wrapped his arm around his waist, gently helping him to walk out of the house. Thankfully they didn’t meet any of Lucas’ friends, so he could go out without anyone bothering them. He walked to the road, calling for a taxi, while Lucas was squatting on the sidewalk, looking like he’s gonna throw up. After he gave the address, he walked back to Lucas just in time, he was stroking his back as he threw up everything on the grass. 

Long moments later Lucas seemed to be in a better condition, Eliott gave him a bottle of water. He washed his mouth first and then chugged up the rest of the bottle. They taxi arrived, so they hopped in on the backseat. Eliott told the driver their address and pulled Lucas to his side, making sure that he’s okay. 

Thrusday 10:35

Lucas woke up with a terrible headache, he opened his eyes and looked around. He was in his bed, wearing only boxers, smelling like mens bathroom. He barely remembered anything that happened last night, his memories were fuzzy. He got up, putting on a hoodie he stole from Yann ages ago, that was long and cozy. He walked to the bathroom, looking into the mirror, his face looked terrible, his hair was all over the place. He sighed and washed his face, brushed his teeth. Then he heard the noise from the kitchen. He stepped out of the bathroom and walked there, shocked at the sight of a very fresh, good looking Eliott.

The tall boy was wearing white jeans, a black shirt and a black hoodie, he was making breakfast apparently, humming something. Lucas tried to slowly approach him, but Eliott heard the steps of his naked feet, looking at him with a big, bright smile. Lucas could swear that it was brighter than the sun itself.

“Good morning. I’m making breakfast.” he said happily.

“That’s really nice of you.” that is all he could say, his head was hurting too much to have a full conversation about last night. Also his heart apparently decided to beat as fast as it just could when he smelled Eliott’s cologne. It was basically torture having such a beautiful person here, in his kitchen. 

He grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured some fresh coffee in it. Looks like Eliott thought about everything. He put in some sugar and started drinking, while watching Eliott stading by the stove. His chest felt warm by the thought of having breakfast with Eliott. 

A few minutes later the omlette was served on two plates, Eliott put it down on the table, smiling at Lucas softly. He couldn’t help, but smile back. Whatever happened last night, he was happy that it happened, otherwise Eliott wouldn’t be here, being kind, gentle, making breakfast for him. 

“Take this as my apologize. I really wanted to come on Sunday, but... I had a problem.” he explained shorty, looking at Lucas, hoping for any signs of forgiveness. 

This reminded Lucas of the moment when he saw that girl kissing Eliott in the doorway and then walking inside his apartment. He shook his head and put down the mug. 

“I’ll take your apology.” he said softly, sitting down at the table. Trying to be friends with Eliott was still better than not having any contact with him at all. He was happy around this person, his presence just made Lucas feel like life isn’t that bad at all.