#i barely got out of bed today and my anxiety was so incredibly bad yesterday and today i just felt so miserable and

[mooodyblue]

hi im venting in the tags don't mind me 🙃

[dreamypeaches]

don’t wake up pt. 4 | rafe cameron x reader

summary: you and rafe discuss the future of your relationship

warnings: SMUT, cursing, drug mention, alcohol mention, death mention

word count: 4.6k (these just keep getting longer)

a/n: some parts of this i love, some parts i hate. this is a very fluffy, emotional chapter with a healthy dose of smut ;). there will be two more parts to this and i hope to finish the whole thing by this weekend! enjoy, lovelies!

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You had been alive for many years now, but you couldn’t remember a single moment where you were as happy and at peace as you were now with Rafe. You had spent the rest of the day cuddling on your tiny bed, binging The X-Files. You took breaks every once and a while to eat, have sex, or just talk.

You’d never spent this much time with Rafe before. You made nice small talk when he would give you rides and sometimes you would engage in some pillow talk after he had railed you. The most you’d really talked had been that night on the beach. But now, he was baring his soul to you. He told you all about his family problems, how he could never please his father, never be as good as Sarah. He even told you, vaguely, about his problems with drugs. He mentioned Barry and all the shit he had done for him, but didn’t go into details and you didn’t press him for them. You listened intently, absorbing all the information. On the outside, you played it cool, giving him comforting words and touches, trying not to reveal how overwhelming all this was to you. But you continued to listen anyway, realizing quickly that this was the first time Rafe had really spoke to anyone about the problems swirling around inside his head.

In turn, he listened to you. You talked about your parents. Your dad had left when your mom was pregnant with your youngest sister. Your mom came in and out of your life, finally completely disappearing when your older sister turned 18. Your older sister had gotten married young to the love of her life, only for him to die tragically not long after the birth of their third child. Now it was just you three sisters and the kids, trying your best to stay alive.

Rafe didn’t pretend to understand what you went through. Being a Kook, he was so far removed from any of your daily worries that couldn’t even comprehend what it was like. But he still listened and provided comfort and sympathy.

Even though you both were talking about the problems that plagued your lives, it was easy to forget about them while you were laying in his arms. Rafe had been a figure in your life long before your relationship had started. He was the man who talked shit about your way of life. He beat up your friends, leading to you spend nights cleaning JJ or Pope or John B’s (mostly JJ’s) wounds. The Rafe holding you in his arms was a completely different person to the one you had known in passing, to the one your friends told you nothing but bad things about.

When you woke up the next morning, untangling yourself from arms of Rafe to get ready for work, you could feel the bubble that had surrounded you since last month getting ready to burst. Everything had changed yesterday. You knew you couldn’t go on the same way you had before, fucking each other’s brains out then disappearing the next morning, and you didn’t want that anymore. You wanted Rafe, all of him. You wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him everything would be alright. You wanted to hold his hand and go on stupidly adorable dates. And, yeah, you also wanted to continue fucking his brains out. But then you thought of the Pogues and Sarah. You couldn’t lose them, they were your family. You tried to think of their reactions if you told them about you and Rafe, and all you could picture was JJ annihilating Rafe’s face with his fists, Kie, Pope, and John B’s betrayed looks, and Sarah’s disgust at you sleeping with her brother.

The anxiety was vibrating through your veins when Rafe found you. You stood at the stove making breakfast, already dressed for work. He came up behind you, shirtless, wrapping his arms around your waist and placing sweet kisses on your neck and shoulder. You easily relaxed against him, trying calm the voice in your head.

“Good morning,” Rafe said. Sleep had made his voice low and raspy, but you could hear the smile in his words.

“How’d you sleep?” You asked, turning the stove off. You tried to move to grab a couple plates, but Rafe refused to let you go, his grip on your waist tightening. You shuddered as his lips assaulted your neck, sucking and nipping at the sensitive skin. Your moans were quick to turn into giggles as Rafe’s fingers moved up to your sides under your shirt, tickling the sensitive area of your stomach. You shouted his name, wiggling in his arms. His laugh was addictive, loud and joyful.

“Rafe! If you don’t stop I will-” You started to speak between laughs, but Rafe interrupted you. He spun you to face him pulling you in for passionate kiss. Butterflies flooded your stomach, worries of the morning flying away as you fell into Rafe. The look in his eyes when he pulled away made your knees weak. It was a look of pure adoration that terrified and excited you at the same time.

“I’ve never slept better,” He said, answering your earlier question. He let you go, helping you cut some strawberries for the breakfast. You two sat at the kitchen table, Rafe’s hand refusing to let go of yours as you ate.

“I have work until 6, but my family won’t be back till tomorrow morning, so you’re welcome to just hang out here,” You said. Rafe nodded, chewing his eggs thoughtfully.

“Topper and Kelce wanted to go golfing today, but I’ll be back before you get home,” he replied, shooting you a smile. You smiled back before returning to your breakfast. You reveled in the domesticity of this: eating breakfast, holding hands, planning out your day. But the mention of his friends shoved your previous worries back to the forefront of your mind. You finished up the rest of your food, moving to clean your plate as you spoke. “We should talk.”

The easygoing demeanor had disappeared from Rafe’s face, replaced by a worried brow and fidgeting hands.

“About us,” you continued, “about what we are and what we’re doing, because, to be perfectly honest, I can’t go back to how it was. Not after yesterday, I can’t go back to just being your fuck buddy or whatever. I like you, Rafe. But I’m also terrified that any possible relationship will completely fall apart.”

Rafe had made his way over to you as you spoke. Taking your hand in his, he brought it to his lips to leave comforting kisses on your knuckles.

“I like you too, Y/N. I want to be with you. You make me happier than I have ever been. But, you’re right, we need to discuss it.”

You smile up at him and peck his lips, stroking his jaw softly.

“We’ll take the day to think about it, okay. I have to go to work.”

You start to move away, only for Rafe to pull you against him for a slow and passionate kiss. Reluctantly, you both pulled away to rest your foreheads against each other.

“I’ll see you later,” He whispered.

He walked you to the door, giving you several more kisses before you finally made it out. You couldn’t hold back your smile as you made your way down the street.

You set the glass of lemonade down in front of Pope while Kie gave JJ his Dr. Pepper. You enjoyed your job at The Wreck. Kiara worked her magic on her dad to get all the same shifts as you, making it a million times better than any other job you had worked. Plus, the tips were as incredible as the food, and you got a free meal every shift. The rest of the Pogues typically dropped in when you and Kie were working. John B and Sarah were off doing who knows what (probably macking on each other), leaving JJ and Pope to keep you and your best friend company on the slow shift.

JJ nodded towards you, pointing at your neck. “Hell yeah, Y/N, nice to see you’re getting some.”

Your eyes widened, free hand slamming down on your neck where your collar had slipped down some. Kie and Pope joined in on the fun, poking at the hickey on your neck and asking if you had a fun night. You just shook your head, ignoring the burning in your cheeks.

“Y/N, you’ve had hickies all over you for the past month. You keep skipping out on hanging out with us, and when you do, you’re always sneaking off in the middle of the night You’re either getting incredibly lucky, or your seeing someone and not telling us,” Kie said, giving you a pointed look.

You sighed. You were in no way ready for this conversation, but your heart hurt having to lie to your best friends. Their advice was important to you, and you needed it now more than ever. As you observed their questioning faces, you realized there was no easy way out of this.

“Yes, there is someone,” You started. You’re friends all started to speak at once, but you were quick to interrupt them. “No, I’m not going to tell you who it is. Not yet anyway, not until I figure shit out. I’m not even sure what we are, because at first it was just a mostly physical thing, but yesterday he came to my house and it honestly might have been the best day of my life. It was amazing! But, if we do start dating or whatever, it has the potential to end badly, like really badly between us and between…other people that we know and I don’t know if I want to risk it.”

The quiet chatter of the Wreck grew ten times louder over the silence of your friends. They took a moment to absorb your speech, each Pogue trying to find a way to soothe their friends mind. Kie was the first to move, taking your hand in hers.

“If you really like him, Y/N, then you need to go for it. You never know what might happen.”

JJ and Pope nodded in agreement. Smiling, you nodded along.

“You’re right, I should just go for it.”

“Fuck yeah! You get that dick, girl!” JJ exclaimed, earning a slap on the arm and a look from Pope. Grinning, you shook your head at your friends as you moved to bring an order to one of your tables.

“Would you ever date a Pogue?” Rafe asked, leaning against the golf cart as Kelce took his turn at the tee.

“Depends, how hot is she?” Topper replied.

“I’m not talking about a hook up. Would you full-on date a Pogue, like take her on dates and shit, It doesn’t matter how hot she is.” Though she is very hot, Rafe thought to himself. Kelce joined the boys, motioning for Topper to take his turn.

“Is that who you ditched us for yesterday, a Pogue?” Kelce questioned.

The three boys were supposed to go golfing yesterday. Rafe had been to overwhelmed and enraptured by you that he hadn’t texted telling them he couldn’t make it. Kelce and Topper had been salty about it since he had met up with them that morning.

“You’re still not answering my question. Would you or would you not date a Pogue?”

Topper returned and Rafe moved to place his ball on the tee.

“Fuck no,” Topper said, “I don’t need to deal with that baggage.”

Thwack. Rafe watched his ball fly across the green, only half caring about where it handed. He leaned on his club, turning to face his friends.

“What baggage?”

“You know, the Pogue baggage. All the looks and the questions. Plus, you’d have to spend time on the Cut and probably with her Pogue friends, who wants to do that?”

It wasn’t what Rafe wanted to hear, but he new there was some merit behind the words. If he dated you, there would be looks. People would look at you the same way he looked at most Pogues. He knew from experience that those looks were never good. The thought of you having to deal with all the pretentious, Pogue hating Kooks he surrounded himself with was nauseating. He wouldn’t be able to control his tongue or fists for very long, and that would end up putting him in deep shit.

The thought of spending time on the Cut wasn’t as bad. He’d spent a whole day there yesterday, though that was mostly at your house. The only Pogue he really knew, other than you, was Barry, and he was far from friends with him. He tried to imagine himself sitting with you, holding you in his arms while you laughed at something one of your friends said. Your friends, the Pogues who probably hated him more than anyone else, plus his sister. Picturing himself actually having a pleasant time with any of them almost made him laugh out loud. He pictured him and JJ having a conversation that didn’t involve insults and flying hands and his mind went blank.

All his doubts and fears about a future with you piling up quickly, almost drowning him, until pulled him out with a few simple words.

“I would date a Pogue.” Rafe and Topper looked at their friend in shock. “I mean, if you like them and they like you and you’re happy, who cares what everyone else thinks. Fuck ‘em.”

Rafe wanted to hug him. It was like the clouds had parted and Kelce was the sun shining down on him. Rafe walked up to him, a wild grin on his face, and clapped Kelce on the shoulder.

“You’re right! Fuck ‘em!” Rafe threw his club on the cart and started jogging in the direction of the club.

“Where are you going? We have a game to finish!” Topper yelled

“I have some business to take care of!” Rafe shouted back.

He jogged the rest of the way to his bike, a plan formulating in his mind.

Your walk back home seemed faster than ever. The giddiness and nerves pounding through you clouded your mind, making you zone out for most of the walk. Nothing would be the same when you got home. Rafe’s bike was parked on the side of your house, heart beginning to pound at just the sight of it. Taking your time searching for your house key in your purse, you tried to calm your breath. Whatever happened behind this door, you needed to stay calm. You wouldn’t let your heart be broken by Rafe Cameron, and your refused to break his. With a deep breath, you turned the key and pushed open the door to your future.

The twinkling lights were a wondrous sight. They laid on the floor in front of entrance, creating a short path to the kitchen. Rafe stood by the table, dressed in an outfit of this that looked familiar and comforting, but your couldn’t put your finger on why. His normally slick hair fell softly into his face, a style you preferred much more than his usual look. On the table stood a lit candle and a small bouquet of flowers. Two empty plates sat across from each other, so sparkling clean that you were positive they had not been in this home this morning.

Your once pounding heart had quite nearly stopped at the sight before you. Rafe met you half way, hands instantly falling on your hips to pull you closer. Despite his closeness, you were too distracted by everything to look at him. The once cluttered living room, which seemed more like a used toy store than a room, had been completely cleaned. The dishes in the sink were gone, and you could see the clean light blinking on the side.

“What is all this?” You wondered, finally meeting his eyes. His gaze nearly melted you with it’s warmth.

“It’s for you. I’ve never really had a first date before, wanted it to be special,” He answered. The word date made your heart skip. No words fell from your mouth as it dropped opened, lost in the shock of it all.

“Is it too much?” Rafe asked, suddenly nervous. You shook your head.

“I mean, it’s a lot, but it’s…it’s…incredible. I think this is the most beautiful thing anyone has done for me.”

The confidence flooded back into Rafe, who leaned down give you a quick, passionate kiss. You wrapped your arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. The feeling of his soft hair between your fingers drove you wild.

Rafe broke the kiss quickly, giving you one last peck before pulling away.

“I left something for you on your bed. Go get changed, take a shower if you want. The food will be here soon.”

“Are you telling me I smell?” You joked with a smirk.

He simply shook his head, turning you and pushing you in the direction of your bedroom.

Moving toward the door, you sneaked a look back at Rafe, who winked at you. Entering the room, you notice your own clothes laid out on the bed. A pair of shorts, a flannel, and a crop top you hadn’t worn since…

Your mind flashes back to Rafe’s outfit and your suddenly transported to a moment on the beach over a month ago. The breeze in his hair, the light of the moon reflecting off the ocean and casting a dim glow across the pair of you. You feel close to crying as you realize what he did.

You grab the clothes and hurry across to the bathroom. After brushing your teeth, you strip and hop into the shower. In record time, your hair is washed, body scrubbed, and legs shaved.You dry your hair quickly, trying you remember how you styled it that night. Completely dressed with light make up, you stare at yourself in the mirror. Taking  deep breath, you step out of the bedroom and are greeted by a delicious aroma wafting through the house. You catch Rafe making some finishing touches at the table. You lean against the counter, watching him fret over the arrangement of the flowers.

“I think I fell into the water that night, because this is some alternate universe where Rafe Cameron is in my kitchen, messing with flowers.”

Rafe turns, surprise fading into a light blush at your comment. He reaches his hand towards you and you take it, allowing him to lead you to your seat. The plates were now filled with food, and you quickly noticed that it was your favorite meal from your favorite restaurant.

“How’d you know this was my favorite?” You asked as you took your seat. Rafe sat across from your and smiled.

“You threatened me with castration one night if I didn’t take you to pick it up.”

You giggled at the memory.

Digging in to your food, silence fell over the table. Both of you knew what needed to happen now, but neither of you wanted to be the first to speak. He instead asked you about your day, and you his. Sweet small talk filled the air as you finished up. When Rafe moved to take both your plates to the sink, you spoke.

“Rafe, this is really wonderful. The clothes and the food and the lights and the flowers, it’s all so sweet. But..”

“I want to be with you,” Rafe interrupted, causing your jaw to snap closed. “I know it’ll be hard and people will talk, but fuck ‘em! It’s all worth it if I get to call you my girlfriend. Even if it ends horribly, I want to try.”

You smiled softly, standing and moving to be in front of him. Taking his hand in yours, you placed a sweet kiss on the back of his hand.

“I want to be with you too. But I have some conditions.”

Rafe nodded, encouraging you to continue.

“First, we don’t tell anyone, for now. I think we should give it a couple weeks at least to make sure that this is good and real. Second, you need to be nice to my friends. No more fights with JJ or shit talking the Pogues. If you can’t be nice, at least be civil, because they are my family. I will also do the same with Topper and Kelce. And that’s it. Those are my conditions.”

“Well,” Rafe chuckled, “I agree to your conditions. I’ll be nice to the Pogues, but I’m not gonna force you to be nice to Topper, he’s an asshole. I do have my own conditions.”

“Shoot.”

“Come to Midsummers with me.”

You froze, hand releasing his and falling limply at your side. You couldn’t help but exclaim, “Midsummers!?”

“It’s still a month away, so that gives up plenty of time to figure this out. Not that we have anything to worry about, we’re fucking perfect for each other. I want you to be my date to Midsummers. I want to spend an unbelievable amount of money buying you the perfect dress. I want to get drunk on champagne and dance with you and make sure everyone knows that Rafe Cameron is dating the sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world. Then we sneak off early, get a little high, and I fuck you until the sun comes up.”

You feel your cheeks heat up at the thought.

“How could I say no to that?”

“So?”

“So…we’re doing this.”

Rafe’s grin grew so wide his cheeks felt like they were on fire. He wrapped his arms around you and kissed his girlfriend with a fire that burned brighter than the sun. You returned with equal energy, feeling his smile against your lips. His hand wandered your body, soft touches transitioning to hard grips and back again. Making his way to your ass, he pulled away to smirk down at you.

“Ready for dessert?”

“Shut up and take your clothes off.”

A trail of clothes followed you to the bedroom as you ran. After each piece of clothing fell to the floor, Rafe would grab you again, pushing you against the wall for a rough kiss before moving away to remove another item of clothing.

The smiles never fell from your faces as Rafe pulled you into your bedroom, making you giggle as he spun you in his arms to hold you against his chest, back facing him. You were both completely naked at this point and your mind was focused on every place where Rafe’s skin met yours. As Rafe’s fingers dance up your sides and stomach before roughly gripping a breast in each hand, future possibilities were left where they belong, in the future. Here and now with Rafe pressed against your back, nipping at sucking at your neck and massaging your breast, this is where you wanted to be.

One of his hands moved up to grip your hair, forcing you to give him better access to your neck. You moaned as he lightly bit at your sensitive spot, soothing it with his tongue. His other hand slid down to ghost across your already dripping cunt. Feeling his fingers begin to rub slowly at your clit, you let out a low moan.

“So fucking beautiful,” Rafe growled in your ear, “and you’re all mine.”

His fingers moved down farther, playing with your entrance.

“Fuck, Rafe, please, make me yours. Fill me up and make me scream your name.” Rafe groaned, turning you around and backing you up until you fell onto the bed. Hovering over you, his fingers tapped on your bottom lip.

“Suck.” He demanded. You took his fingers in your mouth and did as you were told, wrapping your tongue around them and sucking hard. They came out of you with a pop and Rafe didn’t waste anytime plunging them into you. You yelled out at being filled so suddenly, the pleasure flooding you all at once. He set a rough pace, the sound of your wet pussy and your lewd moans filling the room.

You quickly grew impatient, wanting to feel all of Rafe. You pulled his hand away, returning his fingers to your mouth and licking them clean.

“Just fuck me already, Rafe.”

He moaned pulling you in for a kiss that was all teeth and tongue.

“Whatever you say, angel.”

He plunged into you, filling you up completely and leaving you no time to adjust as he pulled out completely and thrusted into you again. Over and over he pounded into you, fucking you into the mattress. His hand wrapped around your throat, only slightly surprising the sinful noises leaving your lips.

“So fucking wet, angel. Is this all for me?”

You barely nodded, overwhelmed by the pleasure coursing through you. His grip tightened for a moment.

“Words, angel.”

“Yes, Rafe, just for you. This pussy is all yours. All yours, Rafe.”

“Yeah it fucking is.”

The speed of his thrusts increased, helping him plunge deeper into you. You were a moaning mess beneath him, yelling out every time his tip hit your g-spot. Your name fell from his lips, his eyes never leaving yours as he mercilessly pounded into you. One hand moved down to your clit, pressing hard against it before rubbing figure eights into the sensitive bundle. You screamed out, gripping onto Rafe’s forearm to anchor yourself in reality.

“Scream my name when you cum one my cock, angel. Tell me who makes you feel this good.”

“Rafe…” You moaned. His fingers increased their pressure on your clit.

“Rafe!” You mewled as he took one nipples in his mouth, tugging on it with his teeth.

“Rafe!” You yelled as he made you see stars, your juices covering his cock as you found your release. He pulled out of you and you whimpered at the sudden emptiness. It didn’t last long, though, as he flipped you on to your stomach and started pounding into you again. A scream released from your throat as he slapped your ass, once, twice, three times.

“Please, Rafe! Cum in me! I’m all yours Rafe, make me yours!”

He leaned over you, pressing his chest against your back as he fucked you. The new angle, accompanied by the bites and kisses he placed across your shoulders, made your eyes roll back in your head. His hand moved under you to work your clit again.

“I want you to cum with me, angel. Cum with me.”

As his thrusts became sloppier, the movements against your clit grew more rapid. It didn’t take long for you to reach the edge again. Feeling Rafe twitch inside of you, you knew he was close too. Rafe let out an animalistic groan as he released into you, your pussy clenching around him, milking him as your orgasm overtook you. He rode out your orgasms, giving you a few more lazy thrusts before stilling inside you. His arm wrapped around your waist, holding you against him as he collapsed on his side onto the bed.

Rafe held his girlfriend close, savoring the warmth of her pussy around his dick, while she sighed at the feeling of his dick inside her, filling her up. The only sound in the room now was your heavy breathing. Neither of you could speak, but both your minds were running a mile a minute. Rafe pulled you, the woman he now got to call his, flush against him, peppering kisses across your cheek, neck, and shoulder.

A few minutes passed before either of you spoke. It was Rafe who broke the silence.

“Is this a dream?” He whispered to the air.

“No, baby,” You replied, “this is very real.”

He pressed a kiss to the place between your shoulder blades before resting his forehead against the back of your head.

“Then I hope I never fall asleep.”

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[sincerelybubbles]

patience || eijiro kirishima || bnha

pairing: Eijirio Kirishima x Reader

summary: Kirishima lashes out and says more then he should, but nothing can’t be resolved with some space and eventual cuddles

wc: just under k

warnings: resolved angst, slight language 

Kirishima knew he was only lashing out because he had a long day. That’s why he had avoided you within the small confines of your shared apartment, but you were so persistent and now he had said the one thing he knew would hurt you the most. Tears streamed down your cheeks as you stood in shocked silence, staring at him with your mouth slightly open. 

He knew he should call out your name, reach for you, say he was sorry, do something, and yet. . . shame filled his chest as he turned around and raked his hand through his hair, feeling pieces of hard strands between his fingers despite already having washed his hair that night. 

A headache was blooming in the base of his neck as he heard you walk away. It broke his heart more to know that you hadn’t said anything back. He had crossed the one line he promised himself he wouldn’t - it was something huge for you to even tell him, and now he’d thrown it in your face just because he was tired from a long day at work.

Frustration bubbled in his chest as he let out a long groan, storming across your shared room to the punching bag in the corner. 

He let out his day, slamming his fists into the bag over and over, not caring that he had already showered, or that he wasn’t really in workout attire. He would go into the living room and beg for the forgiveness he was sure he didn’t deserve when the fire in his chest quelled. For now, he would take out his anger in a healthy way. 

An hour later, Kirishima was drenched in sweat, his heart was pounding, and yet he felt the tension leave his shoulders. The weight of the day was finally lifting off of him, and he had just taken medicine for the pounding in his head. Ice flooded his veins at the memory of his harsh words to you, and he wasted no time pushing open the bedroom door and making his way into the living room where he expected you to be sitting on the couch. 

Except, the couch was empty.

His stomach sank at the idea of you cooking in the kitchen, despite his harsh words. Quickly, he walked into the kitchen, already announcing that he was sorry and that he would cook. But the kitchen was empty.

As was the hall bathroom, and the hallway outside of the apartment.

Panicked, Kirishima threw the sheets around for his phone that he knew he tossed on the bed earlier. It fell to the floor with a satisfying thump and Kirishima dove toward the noise, finding his phone slightly under the bed and lacking in texts or calls from you.

His fingers shook as he unlocked his phone and pressed your contact. The red heart that you put next to your own name glared up at him as he lifted the phone to his ear.

His heart felt like it was beating incredibly slow, too slow, as his listened to the phone ring. Surely, he was drowning because he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Right before the line clicked off, someone picked up. He heard shuffling and someone breathing, and he was sure you were off somewhere, caught by a villain, and he hadn’t even noticed because he was so selfish and arrogant-

“Kirishima-kun?” That wasn’t the voice of a villain. Kirishima strained to listen to the background of the call, hoping to hear you, even for a second.

“Mina-kun?” He breathed out, “Where is she? Is she okay?” Mina sighed and suddenly, Kirishima’s heart was beating too fast, not too slow. He let out all of the breath in his lungs, slipping from his crouch to fully sitting on the ground, overwhelmed by anxiety.

“She’s fine, she’s with me.” Kirishima let out jumped thanks the moment those blessed words left Mina’s mouth.

“When will she be home?” He asked hopefully, “I need- “

“Look.” Mina cut him off. “I only answered because she told me that you’d immediately think the worst. She’s okay, she’s with me.”

Kirishima didn’t dare the breathe as Mina paused. Were you crying? He thought he heard a faint sniffle. There were the sounds of footsteps and a door shutting. All of the faint background noise disappeared, and Mina sighed.

“I’ve known you for a long time, Eijirio-kun.” Kirishima’s first name, something only you called him, made him snap to attention. “So, I’ll let you know that you fucked up. Give her space, give her time, she’ll be home. . . Just, probably not tonight, okay?”

Kirishima nodded, before swallowing around his dry throat, “Yeah, okay.”

The line went dead and Kirishima laid back, still holding the phone to his ear, as if somehow it would bring her to him.

Slowly, he felt his eyes shut as exhaustion hit him. He knew that she would want him to get up, to shower and eat, but he knew if he did that, he would cry. And, despite what she always told him, crying didn’t feel manly, especially when it was his fault that everything around him was falling apart.

He dreamed of their fight, over and over on loop. His harsh words echoed in his head. When he woke up on the floor, his back was stiff, and his phone was almost dead. Kirishima forced himself to stand and turn off the beeping clock.

His chest ached worst of all, it felt hollow and empty, and the pain only intensified as he realized that you never came home last night.

He moved through the apartment like a ghost, not making any sound as he got ready for the day. He wondered if you felt this lonely yesterday while he was ignoring you. The small apartment felt bigger than ever without you.

The traces of you, your sweater, the smell of your soap in the shower, the plates you picked out, mocked him. Screamed at him that he let one lousy day turn his words harsh. His mouth tasted sour.

He didn’t have to go into the agency today, he was only on call, and yet he forced himself to get ready as if he were going in. He put on his hero costume, feeling less like a hero by the second. Heroes don’t make pretty girls cry. Heroes didn’t let shitty days ruin everything. Heroes could fix things, not break them.

His face guard felt stiff on his face, and the gel he smeared through his hair made his hands feel almost too heavy to lift.

He couldn’t meet his own eyes in the mirror.

Kirishima left the apartment, unable to bear the thought of it empty without you anymore. He patrolled the streets, smiling at people as they noticed him, signing papers thrust at him. This, he could do. He could force a smile and act like everything was okay. He could talk and make others happy simply because he had to.

It felt like every word leaving his mouth only worsened the sour taste he spent ten minutes trying to erase with his toothbrush.

Screams interrupted his conversation with a small boy telling Kirishima he was his favorite, and the young hero ran toward the noise.

The thief wasn’t hard to apprehend, and the adrenaline pumping through Kirishima’s blood made it easier to press on throughout the day.

He made his way back to the apartment well after lunch, his stomach feeling empty, but not hungry.

He kicked off his shoes and set the small bag of groceries he bought on the table before freezing at the sound of the shower. He ran through the apartment, feet slapping against the tile, slippers long forgotten. He threw open the door, calling your name and activating his quirk in the same breath.

Your head appeared from behind the shower curtain, hair wet and sticking to your cheek. His quirk deactivated as he looked at you, mouth slightly open, and eyes searching yours.

“There’s food in the oven, it should be warm by now.”

“Huh?” Kirishima couldn’t process this. Just last night he fucked up everything, you were gone, and didn’t come back last night. And now you were here, with soap on your forehead and were talking about food.

“You should go eat.” And then you stuck your head back in the shower. He could see from your shadow that you were washing your hair. “Eiji, go eat.”

Like a mindless puppet, Kirishima left the bathroom and made his way into the kitchen. He made himself a plate and sat down, looking at it.

What should he even say? What if you weren’t here to forgive him? Where you crying earlier? Your eyes looked puffy, but it could just be the shower.

Chopsticks suddenly appeared over his plate, and he looked up to see you holding them out to him. And, shit, you were wearing his shirt. It was one of his old tees that you claimed ages ago, but it was his.

He resisted the urge to grab your hand and kiss it, to beg for forgiveness, to show you how much he missed you, despite it not even being twenty-four hours without you. Instead, he gently took the chopsticks from your hands.

“Thank you.” He mumbled, ducking his head, and picking up some of the noodles on his plate.

He ate in silence as she put away the few groceries he had brought home.

“Are you going to eat too?” He asked, giving her a pleading look.

“I already did.”

“Oh.”

There was deafening silence for a moment before Kirishima opened his mouth to do what he should have last night. Fuck it, he should have run to Mina’s and told her how his own words made him sick to his stomach, but he wanted to give you your space.

“I’m sorry you had such a bad day yesterday.” Your voice was so soft he barely heard it, but his eyes snapped to yours immediately.

“What?”

“I should have left you alone, I shouldn’t have pushed you. I’m sorry.” Your lower lip was trembling, and he could tell you were trying your hardest to avoid his eyes. “I just wanted you to talk – to confide in me for once.”

“Babe, you really have nothing to say sorry for. I’m the one who messed up. I should have never – I knew that was a sore topic and I – What I said, I should have never said it. No matter how shitty my day was.” Kirishima stood and walked over to you and gently grabbed your wrists, bringing your arms to his mouth and placing a kiss on the back of both of your hands. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“I’m not upset with you.” You admitted, finally looking up at him. Your eyes were swimming in unfallen tears. He placed his forehead against yours. “I really didn’t mean to annoy you. Just, sometimes you act like you have to do everything alone, and you don’t have to. You can confide in me, rely on me.”

“I do, babe, I really do. Sometimes, I’m afraid I rely on you too much. You weren’t even gone a whole day, and everything was a mess.” He fought a smile as you scrunched up your nose.

“I would have come back last night, but Mina wouldn’t let me. I only left to give you a bit of space.”

“Please, don’t ever give me space again.” He mumbled, nudging his nose against yours.

You smiled up at him and nodded before lifting your chin to place your lips on his. He could have cried. You were being so gentle, so sweet. The kiss was slow and soft, everything Kirishima loved about kissing you wrapped up into one moment. And yet, he forced himself to break it.

“I really really am sorry. I crossed a lone I should have never crossed-“ You cut him off with another kiss, this one on the corner of his mouth.

“Already forgiven.”

“Still, let me make it up to you.” Kirishima searched your eyes, knowing he couldn’t forgive himself that easily.

“Can we watch the movie we were supposed to yesterday? I’ll make popcorn.” Kirishima nodded, feeling the tension leave his shoulders at the idea of holding you close on the couch. He’d be able to hold you close, play with your hair, and just be near you – everything he had been craving throughout the day.

“Yeah. I’d love that.”

[casualmaraudering]

after 2342394 years we have a second chapter

***

The bedroom is pitch black when Sirius wakes up. And right from the moment he opens his eyes, he feels like death.

His throat is dry and sore - as if he’s caught a nasty cold or spent the past two days drinking - and his eyes feel heavy and wet. He’s sweaty, there’s a rather painful squeeze to his stomach, and his head is pounding.

None of it comes as a surprise, really. He always feels like shit whenever his body decides to catch up on sleep - it’s funny, almost. When he doesn’t sleep at all - he feels awful. And then when he sleeps for more than absolutely necessary - he ends up just as bad, if not worse. A lose-lose situation, his sleeping habits.

There’s a moment of hesitation before he reluctantly reaches for his phone.

4.52AM

Undoubtedly, the worst part about his body catching up after bad episodes is how it fucks up his mood. The wrecking guilt for waisting 14 goddamn hours is already set heavy in his stomach. He’s wasted the whole evening - and in his current situation, he can’t fucking afford to do that. He could’ve gone shopping - there’s barely any food in the fridge - or done his schoolwork, or even just spend time with his brother.

And God, thinking about Regulus always manages to make Sirius feels even worse.

Cause he’s supposed to be better than the goddamn fuckup he currently is. He should be able to set a good example. But he can’t. Hell, he feels that Regulus is the one taking care of him more often than the other way around.

Sometimes, Sirius wonders whether he should’ve left Reg at Grimmauld. To live a privileged, rich life they were so used to, with cooks and maids and no worry in the world on his head. They’ve always liked Regulus better anyway - it’s Sirius who’s always been the rebel, the improper one, the hated one. The queer one, though that came a bit later (and it’s not like Sirius ever told anyone. That would’ve gotten him thrown out, and he couldn’t let that happen - he needed to leave on his own terms, with Regulus in tow). Maybe they never would’ve hit Regulus? He knows how to behave, after all.

Yet Sirius couldn’t bring himself to chance it. He can’t stomach the thought of his little brother alone in that godforsaken place. Even if Sirius fucks up at being an adult, at least he can assure Regulus grows up loved and without anyone ever raising their hand on him. It’s all he can do for now.

But, while Sirius would love to stay in bed for the rest of the day - or possibly the rest of time - and sink deeper into the pit of despair he’s fallen into, he can’t. Not when he’s got work at 8 and so many things to do before that. The disgusting mood will stay, just like it always does, but Sirius can just lie his way through the mental disarray he’s got going on. He might be a fuck up, but he’s a fuck up responsible for a human being that needs tending to. If it weren’t for Regulus, well… Sirius probably wouldn’t make it as far as today.

So, with a bit of difficulty, he gets up. Right away he gets overwhelmingly dizzy, and his stomach churns with discomfort. He groans in annoyance and sways towards the bathroom. What a way to start the day indeed.

After throwing up (and dry heaving for a bit, because he hasn’t eaten in a good while, so there’s not really much to vomit with), Sirius follows his usual routine of loo-teeth-shower-hair drying. It makes him feel a bit better, at least. He throws the clothes he fell asleep in into the hamper (he needs to do the laundry sometime today, he notes) and trots to his bedroom to look for something to wear.

He checks his phone while squeezing himself into his jeans (not as tight as he’d usually go for - he wants to be able to move comfortably at work) and finds he has several messages.

There’s a few from James - nothing important, either random things he did throughout the day or memes. One from Lily, telling him there’s Chinese in the fridge for when he wakes up and that if he tries to slip her the money for it, she’ll slit his throat (typical, but Sirius will find a way to pay her back anyway).

And then, there’s one that actually makes Sirius smile.

From: Remus

6.21PM

Hope you dream about something nice tonight.

Sirius wished he didn’t remember all the extremely embarrassing things he had said to Remus yesterday - declaring love after knowing the man for five minutes being icing on the cake - but they’re stuck in his memory, ready to taunt him tonight when he inevitably won’t be able to sleep. Though, seeing as Remus did send him a text, maybe not all is lost?

To: Remus

5.20AM

I had the nicest dream. Guess who was in it ;)

There’s no harm in hoping, at least.

****

After getting breakfast (and praising Lily for thoughtfulness, because of course, the fridge is empty), Sirius goes through as many chores as he can before he has to hurry off to work. He puts the laundry on, gets groceries - cringes at the bill extremely, but he can’t just feed his brother instant ramen - and even cleans the kitchen a bit. He puts some toast into the toaster (without the crusts, and leaves a kettle full of freshly boiled water next to a box of green tea) and goes to wake Regulus. It’s not that Sirius necessarily needs to - the kid has a phone with an alarm, after all - but he likes it. It makes him feel more involved; more like an actual responsible brother.

Upon knocking on his door, before even Sirius has a chance to enter, he hears a loud groan; Sirius chuckles at that as he steps inside. While he himself had always been an early riser, Regulus loathes mornings more than anything in the world.

“Rise and shine, Your Majesty,” Sirius says brightly, leaning against the doorway. He smiles as he watches Regulus pull the covers over his head.

“‘eout-”

“No can do, you have a maths test today. Out of bed, sir.”

“Mhmm.”

“If I don’t see you at breakfast in ten minutes, I’m dumping a bucket of cold water right on your head.”

“‘u w’ldn’t. You’d h’ve to clean.”

Sirius laughs, shaking his head slightly. “Ten minutes,” he only says, stepping back and closing the door again.

It’s fifteen minutes until Regulus, sleepy and visibly very grumpy, stomps into the kitchen and sits himself next to Sirius at the kitchen table (Sirius lets him have 20 minutes - if it’s more than that, he always finds he had fallen back asleep).

“I’ll be back from work at 6,” he says, passing a cup of tea to his brother, who takes it without even slight hesitation. “D’you wanna wait for me and have dinner then, or do you want to order in?”

“I’ll be back later too,” Regulus informs him, taking small sips of his tea (he takes his tea ridiculously hot, Sirius had learned, which he simply stopped questioning it after a while). “I have a project to do with a friend. I’ll be at her house.”

“A friend, huh?” Sirius’s mouth raises in a smirk. “And what’s that friend’s name?”

Regulus rolls his eyes and huffs. “Amelia.”

Sirius smiles harder. “And are you and Amelia good friends?”

“Oh stop that.”

“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about. ‘m not doing anything.”

“Yes you are!” Regulus says in frustration. “You’re doing the girls thing. She’s not my girlfriend or anything, I don’t like her like that. She’s just a friend.”

Sirius’s gaze softens, and he ends up ruffling Reg’s hair - something he knows Regulus extremely hates.

“I know, I’m just joking around.”

He trusts - and hopes - Regulus would tell him if he started being interested in someone. Both of them aren’t really the type to talk about things like that anyway. Regulus, of course, knows Sirius is gay, but Sirius rarely talks about any boyfriends. Though, that might be cause he doesn’t really do that. Not since they left their parents, anyway.

And it’s not he doesn’t want to; it just never seems like the right time. He’s far too busy with school and then work and then caring for his brother - there’s nowhere to squeeze in dates. And sure, every now and again James and Lily drag him out of the house for the evening, but he never ends up coming home with anybody either; the anxiety about leaving his brother alone for the night is too much. Regulus isn’t a little kid anymore, but Sirius feels he shouldn’t leave him alone for a whole night. Not just yet, at least.

“So when will you be home?” Sirius asks, leaving the table to get his gear on and look for his bike keys (he always manages to loose them, somehow). Thank God for his bike - if it weren't for her, Sirius would be late for work pretty much every day, with how late he leaves the house.

“At 8, maybe?”

“No later than 9, okay? And give me a call if you need me to pick you up.”

“Mhm.”

“You’re grounded if you’re here a second after nine.”

He hears Regulus snort in reply. He walks to the kitchen, ruffles his brother’s hair once again (and earns a very displeased noise in response) and makes his way out the door.

By that time, Sirius’s stomach has settled, and although his head is still throbbing, and he still feels like shit, he’s confident the day at work should pass swiftly. Or so he hopes, at least.

And an hour into the workday, he’s proven wrong.

Working as a mechanic is, obviously, incredibly messy and even more tiring, but today everything seems to go slightly wrong; fussy customers, parts falling onto his feet or hands, accidental burns, and an oil spill all over his trousers. And that’s just little over an hour since he clocked in.

If only he could quit, he would.

Except he has barely any cash in his bank account right now, and it’s not like he has Mummy and Daddy’s fortune to rely on anymore. There’s some savings in his account, but that’s only for emergencies, and it’s not like it’s much. Not enough for rent and utilities, anyway.

Thinking about that always makes Sirius’s stomach clench uncomfortably. He’s so damn tired all the time from constant work, and all his muscles ache at the end of the day, and then there’s always something left to do at home. There’s not really much he can do about that other than to suck it up. It always comes down to Regulus anyway. Sirius isn’t doing it for himself - he wants Reg to have a good life, a happy life, not to be miserable like Sirius had been back in their family home.

He just wants his brother to be happy and healthy, and if that means having to work a few too many hours, then be it.

Sirius’s day passes in a blur of oil spills, clunking of metal, and about four cups of coffee, before he can finally make his way back home and drop onto the couch in exhaustion. The tension in his shoulders aches deeply whenever he moves; the skin on his hands is irritated and red (he really should invest in some moisturizer), and his hair feels uncomfortably dirty even if he's washed it today morning. He could stay on the couch forever.

But of course, life calls. Or more like texts.

And by life, he means James.

From: Prongs 🥰

6.15PM

pub??? now???? come pls?? i miss you :(

Sirius sighs deeply (and probably far too dramatically). He’s exhausted, and sore, and he wouldn’t even be able to drink because Reggie might call him for a ride later. All he wants is to crawl into bed right now, and hope he can sleep for even just a little bit tonight.

But then, he hasn’t seen his friends in what feels like ages and he genuinely misses them. It might be a bad choice, but well... if there’s one thing Sirius is known for, it’s making bad choices. So he agrees.

He quickly cooks dinner, just so there’s something to heat up when Regulus is back, and leaves a post-it note on the counter in case Regulus is home before him. Then, just as he’s about to throw on his jacket again and rush out the door, a thought pops into his mind. 

He pulls out his phone, sends a quick texts, and leaves his flat.

To: Remus

6.21PM

any chance you wanna come down to Three Broomsticks for a pint? my treat

[tarot28]

MANIFESTATION, GOALS, INTENTIONS AND GRATITUDE AND MOREEEEEE

This is my guide to how I do my daily self work to bring some joy and happiness and better things closer to me.  Everything I do listed below is written down in the same place - a generic leftover half used spiral notebook next to my bed.  

I have a little anxiety and uncertainty and a little moop (a word for when you’ve got sad mood that’s kinda blah but it doesn’t have as quite of a severe connotation as depression does imo) when it comes thinking about the future.  To get super real for a second here, it can be so so bleak sometime to look ahead and look at where I am now and where I could be like if only if only.  Coming out of an unhealthy and toxic relationship and being on the mend from that also has me looking for ways of actively reviving my worth and my joy and I’m glad to report that what I’ve outline below has helped me personally and by sharing, I hope I can help others :) :)

Also just as a note: I use the Universe instead of God, Goddess, Spirit, etc bc that’s my preference.  Mentally sub that for whatever works for you <3

Contents: sorry this is a hella long post but here’s the break down - Manifestation (what I used to do) - Goals (what I do/how I altered manifestation to make it work for me) - Intentions (goals are long term, but here’s the daily) - Gratitude (how it puts things into perspective) - Meditation (an on and off again relationship/the one that always gets away) - How the fuck do I fit all this into my daily routine ?

Manifestation: So when I first started this routine I used kinda generic manifestation and threw literally everything I wanted at the Universe like here this is what I want and it’s your problem now.  That’s the idea I got from the very minimal reading I did on manifestation and law of attraction type shtuff.  I reallllllly hesitate to call what I currently do manifestation but it’s like a cousin and is closer to setting goals.  I’m not going to go into manifestation further but the “manifestation work” I do is like everything written here collectively.

Goals: This is the branching out I did for manifestation.  It’s more accessible language too.  A goal is something I want and it’s something attainable.  Transitioning from manifestation to goals was kinda necessary to me because when I was doing manifestation was me throwing every tiny little want and need at the Universe.  Goals was that but with filters and then elaboration.  I went from asking for like 8 or 10 things that would change often to asking for 3 consistently.

Here’s a working example.  One of my old “manifestation” items was “a sense of confidence in my body.”  Let’s pull this apart a bit.  This isn’t a bad thing to ask for at all; it’s definitely something that can happen.  But like does the Universe really need to bestow that onto me or is that something I could do on my own.  It’s too specific and exclusive as well.  The perception of my own physical health comes from my personal relationship with myself, mentally and emotionally.  My body confidence won’t change unless I work at how I talk to myself or unless I start to praise my own appearance.  

I use a different, but related version of this older item currently in my goal statements that aims to “improve the relationship I have with myself for myself through positive self talk, self care, and recognizing the joy that comes through exploring my relationship with myself.”  This is longer, but it’s bigger picture.  It encompasses mental, physical, and emotional health.  It also emphasizes my part in it, which was the biggest issue I had with what I was calling “manifestation.”  I think it’s ok to ask for things, but personally asking and waiting passively for something to drop into your lap just on the merits of asking for it felt unrealistic.  I think my biggest personal distinction between goals and manifestation was introducing accountability, thus empowering myself to make the changes in my life that I wanted to see.

Intentions In addition to writing my goal statements, I write my intentions.  The goals are more specific to the season or a couple month to a year long period, whereas the intentions are a couple of ways I want my day to go.  Again, this is kinda me empowering myself to take action and decide how my day will unfold.  It’s just a couple of brief statements about things I want to happen, but less of a tangible to do list and more like what’s the vibe today boysss

So for example on a to do list I had this week: chem for mon, wed, fri, bio lecture notes from thursday, final revisions on whatever weekly essay it was lmao rip, and then a couple emails.  This was a to do list from Monday and I have work and class and meetings and bathroom break and have to take care of the dogs and make food and eat the food and drink water and maybe squeeze in a workout from 9am to 3:30pm on top of the to do list, which is usually just classwork.  My intention for the day was to “be productive enough to prepare for tomorrow.”  This is a way to say do the bare minimum and feel better about it.  Another intention I had was to “recognize and when I need a break and give myself the rest time I need to be productive.”  Another way of justifying slacking off occaisionally but giving it an elevated purpose through the wording.  It also makes me feel like shameful about not getting everything I planned to do in one day because I carried out my intentions.

Gratitude! This is my absolute favorite part of my routine!  It brings everything home for me and I can really draw attention to all the mundane disguised positivity in my life that might go unnoticed or underappreciated otherwise.  This one is so simple.  I start by writing “I’m grateful:” and then just list whatever comes to mind easily.  

If it’s hard at first, make sure you’re not overthinking.  When I introduced this into my routine I would almost talk myself out of the stupid things, but I think that’s where a lot of my small, daily joy comes from.  Yesterday was cold and rainy and that’s my favorite weather so I wrote “rainy and cold” on my list and I think I put sweatpants on their too.  Don’t overthink it and don’t force it and just start doing it.

Here’s some research for the benefits if you don’t want to listen to me, please listen to the science, more of the science and a little more.  If these links don’t work- sorry but they’re random articles I found from google scholar after searching gratitude journaling.  SO much evidence out there 

Meditation This is my long lost love.  I feel like I never have the time and I’m fighting to put her back into my routine.  It makes me feel great and settles me into my body.  More posts to come if when I get back at it.  If anyone has techniques or guided mediation recommendations omg let me know.  I use a couple podcasts, one is purely guided mediations because they’re like 5 or 10 mins each and I’m short on time a lot.  The other is called nothing much happens and it’s just like bedtime stories about mundane routines and not strict mediation, but I love them.

My daily routine and how I make this work for me and don’t give up: My first rule is that if I’m not in the mood, I simply do NOT.  Like days where shit sucks is different from days where you feel like you’re breaking down and it physically hurts to think about the future or your goals because everything is so hard.  I get that and I treat myself like an adult and know that not doing it one day won’t be an issue as long as I make sure I do it the next day.

In the morning, I think about my schedule.  What is today and what is the best way to approach what I have going on?  What is the best way to direct my energy?  This is intention time :) And then this is where I’m trying to add meditation back in but I really suck at morning time management and I’m trying to use the time to work out before my day gets started.  We’ll see lol I’ll prob add it in at the end of my day to help me get to sleep feeling a little more settled and comfy in my own body and mind.

I try to keep my intentions in mind during the day.  Sometimes it happens, sometimes not.  It’s ok because I did them and I thought about it at least one time during the day for it’s own special, dedicated amount of time.

After I’m completely done for the day, I go what the fuck am I doing on this planet, how can I improve my existence, what do I see happening for myself? Under my intentions, I write my big three goalssss.  Something for my own healthy, something for my career and academics, and something to kinda talk about my meant to be, forever home of person that I’m trying to attract.  Self-career-social kinda triangle of goals.

Under my goals, I zoom in on everything that went great.  The last thing I write down for the day is gratitude so that even if I get a little stressed about not following my intentions too well or not making a lot of progress towards my big picture goals, I can look at today and go I had a great cup of hot chocolate and binged AHS though and I don’t regret it because it made me so happy that I wrote it down.

The end thanks for reading this incredibly long post.  I love these long posts where I can just go on about what I do :) I really hope this helps someone who doesn’t vibe with what they’re seeing in their skimming over of law of attraction and manifestation stuff.  Fuck that and do you.  Sending so much love to y’all <3 L :)

[sow-ay]

First : sorry for my bad English.

I've had good feedback on my longer and more serious talks about mental illness affecting my real life, insomnia and all so let's talk about sleeping meds today. (I wrote this yesterday but it was too long for instagram so I waited until today to publish it all)

To sleep, I have a sleeping pill (call it Sleepy) but also an anti psychotic (let's call it Psyko (pronounce it in the tone Serj from SOAD uses in the verses of their song "Psycho" but write it like the Pokémon attack) (I'm ruining my own serious post)). I also have other meds for mood disorder and stuff, this is just the night part.

Note : effects can be very different on people. I remember a med that made my mom fall asleep for 10h and that didn't do anything on me with 3 times the dosage. So say meds are more effective when you don't are heavy. Damn. I was so frustrated.

Psyko has an exhausting effect when on a high dosage. Sleeping meds alone don't work on me. So my sleep is a team work between Sleepy and Psyko. They're working together since more than a year and it's been more or less effective. It’s the best we found in years.

We kept Sleepy at 2 mg but, as the dosage can be very high for anti psychotics, we never really found a right one for Psyko. I had from 50 mg to 400 mg (I think I even tried 600) depending on periods. Sometimes 400 was good, other times 200 was almost too much. That depended on so many things that we couldn't really know if we had to lower it or not.

Because I'm a fucking Highly Sensitive Person (#HSP), tons of things can impact on that. Was I in a good period ? Will I be in a bad one ? Am I going out more ? Is the gender dysphoria stronger these days ? Am I thinking about death a lot these days ? Work stress ? Family issues ? LA CAF ET LA SÉCU ? Anxiety ? Internet trolls ? ...

Some nights I barely slept and was tired all the time, so I couldn't find the energy to get up. And there is a difference between not finding the energy to get up because you are a bit tired, would love to sleep a bit more and don't want to go to work and being too tired to get up because of an illness. It really could be an Olympic discipline. Except there is no training for that. You're directly in the pro league.

I canceled tons of stuff and work appointments because of that. "Sorry I am having health issues at the moment". People must think I'm super fragile and I hope they don't worry about anything serious. I mean, this is already serious because of suicidal thoughts but maybe they think I have cancer. Why am I caring ? I can't explain to them, they're just clients.

I have that need to explain what's wrong and that's why I'm here.

Some other nights, I slept about 14h and spent the 10 hours left in bed too tired to do anything. I skipped breakfast because it was too late, lunch too because it was over 1 pm and I was too tired to hold on until dinner time. And my meds made me gain weigh. That's unfair !

I admit I prefer sleeping a lot because I have less dark thoughts and am in a lethargic state during the day, so I felt "okay" beside extremely tired. I know that's bad but I had a period during which I overdosed Psyko just to stay in that state. If there was no point in life, if I didn't have to get up for rehearsal or work I would probably keep doing this.

So we tried to reduce Psyko.

But I was still incredibly tired most of the time.

So my therapist told me to reduce Sleepy. Maybe that's because of him.

Because of the dependence it causes, we have to start super slowly. I started too fast. I went from 2 mg, to 1 mg (via 1.5 mg) in less than 10 days and had to go back to 2 mg. What happened ? Well, it took me more than 4 hours to fall asleep after 23h30 (11h30 pm) and I woke up at 7h45. 2 nights in a row. And the exhaustion was so strong in the morning that I really and truly wished to fall back asleep forever because what was the point ? I couldn't even leave my bed, my legs, back and everything were hurting and I just wanted to cry and give up everything.

So I got back to 2 mg. Today I'm at 1.5 mg. It's been about 3 weeks and I'm incredifuckinbly scared to go under again (like really, it makes me cry like a baby all alone on my bed on the evenings and all) because I feel like I would not survive one more shitty night. I'm writing this at this moment.

The battle for the Sleep Kingdom is not over.

I hope to see you all tomorrow.

[ronyxfic]

Educating the Victim - Act VI, Chapter XVII

Pairing: Pearl/Amethyst, Yellow Pearl/Yellow Diamond

Rating: Mature

Warnings/Tags: Drugs, alcohol.

CHAPTER 17: Intervention

 Amethyst waded in, trying not to knock anything over. Her eyes were just a smidgen redder than usual, and she swayed a little as she walked.

"Howdy folks." She swallowed as she noticed Pearl and Aurora staring at her. "Just, uh, heading up to bed."

   “Hey, Amy! Wanna join?” Pearl said, holding out a joint. “We made tea as well. How are the girls?”

 "Oh... We're good. Planning the party. Sharky says she's gonna be able to get us an ounce and maybe some other stuff. Pretty pumped!"

 “Great! When is it again?”

Aurora took a sip from her tea. “Come sit down,” she said, patting the seat next to her.

   Amethyst walked slower, and then paused. "Just next week..." She narrowed her eyes. "Why are you two looking at me like that?"

 Pearl blushed, stared at her mug. “I... wanted to talk to you. About some... things. Is that... okay?”

 Amy tensed up immediately. "Bout what?”

 Pearl hesitated. “I’m... going to stay at Rose’s for a few... uh. Weeks, probably. I... feel like that’s something we should talk about.”

 "Oh! Uh. Maybe when I'm sober.... I don't handle Rose stuff so well."

 Pearl looked away. “This isn’t... really about that,” she said, “I’m not going there because I want to be with her. I’m going there because she offered her spare room in case I ever needed to... get away from things.”

 "Oh? Oh." Amethyst sat down. "Did I do something to hurt you, man?"

 “No. I mean, yes. I mean, no? Not really, not actively.” Pearl sighed. “It just... hurts me to see you so hopeless and demotivated. And you’ve been smoking... so much, it worries me. I... want to help you but you’ve been so avoidant with talking about it.”

 "I guess. It isn't really your problem, though."

 Pearl pressed her lips together. “But... it is, though,” she said. “Because you’re my best friend. We’ve been spending so much time together, I mean, I basically live here at this point. And I don’t want to... not do that, because I lo... because I care about you very much. And I like spending time with you. But it’s been dragging me down as well.”

 "Is it just me smoking? I mean... you're smoking right now."

 “You smoke for breakfast, Amethyst,” Pearl said softly. “You smoke while studying. I can count the times I’ve seen you not smoking in the past two weeks on one hand. I join you a lot, and I should probably cut down as well, but I’m also usually sober for most of the day.”

 "I mean... I guess that's true, but, like... it's my medicine for anxiety and exams are stressing me out." Amethyst tensed, frowning.

 “They would probably stress you out a little less if you actually spent some time studying properly,” Pearl said. “I... really don’t want to be intrusive or guilt you, but it feels like you’re barely trying. I’ve offered to help you so many times. But... you were out all day today, and you barely did anything yesterday, and I’ve yet to see you pick up a textbook without me prompting you. I... can’t help you with your studies if you’re not studying.”

 Amethyst stood up. "Listen! I don't need you bossing me around!"

 Pearl visibly flinched. “I’m sorry, I –“

Aurora, who had been watching, straightened up. “Girls, please,” she said. “Amethyst, please hear her out, if you can. I’ve been worried about this as well. We’re not... bossing you around, we’re worried about you and we want to help you... get better.”

 Amethyst walked backwards. "Come on, guys, I know people who smoke way more than me."

 “That doesn’t make it okay, Amy!” Pearl said, her voice rising.

“Pearl, please try to stay calm,” Aurora said softly. She was frowning, tense.

 "Who are you to decide that? God! This is so manipulative! I don't need you to give me an ultimatum at a time like this to just make me quit!"

 “Amethyst, please,” Aurora said softly, “don’t –”

She was interrupted by her phone ringing.

Aurora’s eyes widened, her heart suddenly in her throat. She grabbed her phone, looked at the screen.

Marigold.

She looked at Pearl, her face suddenly pained. “Pearl – I’m so sorry – Amy... I have to take this, I have to. I... please don’t kill each other, okay?”

And she was out of the living room, and the sound of her bedroom door closing could be heard.

Pearl looked after her, frozen.

 Amethyst stared at her. "Go on, then. Without your guard dog."

 Pearl’s shoulders slumped. She sat back down. “I... I’m really not trying to attack you, Amy. I’m not. I just feel like that some of your behaviours are quite unhealthy and that you... might not be dealing with them in the best way.” She swallowed. “Feel free to tell me I’m wrong.”

 "Okay, fine! So maybe you're right, but... what's moving gonna solve?"

 Pearl took a deep breath. Tried to steady herself. “It’ll just... allow me to have some space. I won’t be gone forever, and I won’t be gone entirely, and I still want to hang out and I’d love to help you study, if that’s what you want. But I just... don’t think I can be around you all the time at the moment.”

 "Oh." Amethyst shrunk as she understood. "I see... can I have a hit of your spliff? Sorry... kind of counter productive but this isn't sitting well with drunk me."

 “Yeah, of course.” Pearl passed it over. “Do you... want to sit down again?”

 Amethyst looked pained. She couldn't quite meet Pearl's eyes. "Yeah." She took a deep drag. "Might be good."

 Pearl looked down. “Sorry,” she said softly. “I... I really want to be able to just... deal with it. But it hurts, watching you be sad and stressed.”

 "I just... you're my friend. You're meant to tell me if it gets this bad."

 “Yeah.” Pearl swallowed. “I know it’s hard. I mean – I was literally on a psych ward at the start of the year, I know how hard it is to break out of bad habits and behaviour patterns. But it doesn’t have to be like this.”

 "You don't hate me, yeah?"

 “I don’t. I really don’t. I love spending time with you because you’re fun and you can just make me forget all of my anxieties for a while. I like cuddling you and... and I like making out and having sex with you, and... and I’m also worried because you only ever do that with me when you’re drunk or high.” Pearl looked at her, hugging her torso, looking very small.

 "I think I get you. I'm sorry if it's... hurt you. I guess you've got the right to bail on a situation you can't really deal with. I mean, you care way more about these exams than me. You're bound to be way more stressed."

 "I'm actually... okay, really," Pearl said. "I have my study schedule and I'm starting to feel pretty confident with a lot of the stuff. I'll be fine. I'm more worried about you than I am about myself, at this point."

 "Alright... I guess I'm sorry I'm the reason you're leaving. Like... this is your sister's pad and you're also running from shitty parents."

 "I don't want it to be forever. I mean, I'm still up for living together when we're at Uni." Pearl leaned in to Amethyst. "And I want to help you, and... a bit of distance might help with that. It's hard to sort out feelings for someone when you're with them all the time."

 "I guess. I'm just sad that... you felt like you couldn't really confront me until now."

 “Sorry.” Pearl closed her eyes. “Do you... think you can try to change things a little?”

 "I guess... I'll try now that I know it's literally pushing my friends away." Amethyst sighed into her hands. "You still coming to the party and stuff? I don't wanna go without ya."

 “Oh, no, I definitely want to! I’ve been thinking about what to wear.” A soft smile as Pearl looked at Amethyst again. “How are the preparations going?”

 "I'm not really involved in making it happen. The cool older gals just baby me enough to like me around." Amethyst blushed. "I think we've got our house. Someone's parents are gone for the weekend."

 “Sounds sick!” Pearl rubbed Amethyst’s arm. Then, a flash of inspiration. “Do you want to try staying sober for it? If you manage that, I’ll never talk about your drug use ever again. And you can kiss me as many times as you like.” She blushed.

 Amethyst paused. "But everyone else is gonna be on something."

 “You can be the designated driver. Or, I guess, just look after people. It’s a house party, and I’m sure whoever’s hosting would appreciate a sober mind to make sure nothing gets broken.” Pearl smiled. “And watching people who are off their faces can be really funny when you’re sober.”

 "... I'll see, okay. Sounds... tempting."

 Pearl ruffled her hair lovingly. “You don’t have to decide right now. I think it would just... be a start. And I’d be so proud of you.”

 Amethyst leant into the touch. "I'll let you know after I've sobered up in the morning."

 “Okay.” Pearl set down her mug. “Do you want to go to bed? ...and do you want me to be there? I can leave if you’d like some space. I’ve talked to Rose, I have a spare key for her place now...” She blushed. “It’s not... like that, though, she isn’t even home. Left today to go on some secret mission, and she didn’t even know when she’d be back. So I’ll be sharing with her boyfriend. Which will be incredibly awkward.”

 Amethyst gave a snicker. "Oh man! That actually sounds pretty entertaining. You should take snaps."

 “I’ll definitely keep you updated,” Pearl said, relaxing a little. “So... is it okay if I stay for tonight?”

 "Yeah, alright. I'm still kind of out of it and don't wanna get too paranoid in the dark."

 “Okay,” Pearl said. “Let’s go to sleep, then.”

 Amethyst gathered herself onto her feet and led the way into her dark bedroom, where she shrugged off her hoodie. If Pearl was there, it would be too warm.

"You sure you don't hate me?"

 “I really, really don’t.” Pearl took off her clothes as well. “If I did, I would’ve just left. I... couldn’t do that to you.”

She got into bed and yawned. “I’m very tired now. C’mere.”

 --

 Aurora shimmied into the other room. She needed privacy for this.

Things could get very loud.

She picked up on the fourth ring. "...Hey."

 “Aurora,” Marigold said, “hey. I... I got your voice messages. I’m so sorry.”

 "I heard down the grapevine there was a development in the whole case. Where... are you?"

 Marigold gulped. “I’m... in Italy,” she said. “Azure called me up early in the morning and I accidentally left my phone on airplane mode all day. We only just got here.”

 Aurora stayed silent. She felt a little sick. "That explains a lot."

 “I’m sorry,” Marigold said quietly. “I’m so sorry.”

 "I forgive you. I was just... worried. Still am."

 Marigold sighed. “I... really wish I could reassure you, but unfortunately, you have good reason to be. This... this might get messy. I should have called. I... I’m not used to having someone... worry about me, or care about what happens to me.”

 "Well. Get used to it. Are you busy later tonight?"

 “Unfortunately.” Marigold hesitated. “Rose is drunk,” she then said, sounding sad. “I might have to look after her. She... isn’t dealing with this situation very well.”

 "Oh yes, she's with you... At least you're with someone you know."

 “Yeah, definitely. Though I doubt she’ll be very good company tonight or tomorrow. She has... troubling history with Roxy, and all of this seems to have brought a lot of stuff back up.” Marigold sighed. “I... I should go. I just wanted to call. I got your messages and felt so awful. I can call tomorrow, probably.”

 Aurora gave a noise of disappointment and slumped. "Okay. I understand."

 “I’m sorry,” Marigold said. “I’m sorry about the muffins... and I wish I could’ve seen you today. You looked so pretty yesterday, and I really liked kissing you.”

 Aurora looked up. "It's okay. I get that none of this was on purpose. I just... can't believe you're gone."

 “I know... I know. I can’t really believe it either. It’s... insane, honestly. I don’t even know if we’ll find her, and what will happen if we do. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I... I...” Marigold stammered to a stop, her throat suddenly tight. “I miss you,” she said.

 "I miss you, too." Aurora sounded a little pained. "I... just want you back safe. That's all."

 “I’ll do my best,” Marigold said softly. “I love you. So much. I... I wish I could hold you and kiss you... God, I sound like a soppy teenager.”

 "I'd like that, though... ugh. What a time to catch these feelings, huh?"

 “Indeed. Though, in fairness, I’ve been in love with you for years. It’s a shame it took me this long to show it properly.”

 Aurora found herself blushing. "Indeed. So... how much has Quartz had to drink?"

 Marigold sighed. “Two bottles on the plane. One since we’ve landed. She’s gone down to the bar now, so she’s most likely had more. I... I wish I could talk to you more, but I don’t want her to end up in hospital.”

 "Ooh... oh dear. Yes, I do suppose you should check up on her."

 “I should,” Marigold said, sounding exhausted. “I love you. So much. It... is good to hear your voice, and I’m so sorry about leaving you hanging all day.”

 "It'll be alright. You go and do what you need to. " Aurora couldn't help but to stumble at little over her words. "I... love you, too."

 “I’ll speak to you tomorrow,” Marigold said softly. “Good night.”

 "Goodnight." Aurora bit her lip.

 The line clicked: Marigold had hung up.

[artificialqueens]

It’s my mistake to make (Craquaria) Chapter 2/? - Jossasund

Hey guys! This was the first Craquaria fic I started to write and I have it on AO3 already under the same username (Jossasund) It’s still a work i progress but i  i thought i should post it here aswell. Hope you’ll like it and I dont have a beta so please forgive my typos! / - Jossasund

Brianna tossed and turned, just as she always did when it was time to sleep. It had been like this for as long as she could remember, and even if she had learned to live with it, it still managed to drive her absolutely crazy. It was quite ironic though, that she laid there, unable to sleep, while her whole bathroom cupboard was packed with all kind of different sleeping pills… pills that had never worked.

The only thing that actually knocked her out and helped her sleep, was if Brianna got drunk. That wasn’t a option tough, since she tried to avoid alcohol as much as she could. She had a bad past with it so to speak…

Brianna felt the anxiety crawl under her skin and she hated that she didn’t have anyone to speak with… she missed having friends, and wondered if someone around here would even want her as a friend? It was a small town after all and she didn’t look like everybody else… she never had.

Maybe her choice of clothing would make people take a step back and think she was a slut?

Or..

Maybe they would find her absolutely disgusting when they found out that Brianna was gay? It wouldn’t be the first time that happened though…

God .. Her mind spun like crazy when she tried to reason with herself, telling herself that she never stayed at the same place for long, so there wasn’t really a point of getting friends.

As Brianna laid on her back, just staring up into the ceiling, she started to go over her day and it was then, a young, blonde girl came to mind. A student of hers that she really shouldn’t allow herself to think about to begin with. Not in this way at least.. But Brianna couldn’t help herself, as she pictured her in front of her.

Aquaria.

Her name alone made Brianna’s heart skip a beat..

Aquaria .

She had taught so many students over the years but nobody had ever caught her attention like Aquaria had. She didn’t know if it was a good thing though… It probably wasn’t..

She thought about Aquarias petite body, her flawless skin, her smile and….God damnit . Everything with the young girl was absolutely perfect! How was that even possible?

Brianna felt flustered, and a feeling of lust and desire shot through her whole body, almost like lightning. It made her snap her eyes open… this wasn’t good. Not good at all! She suddenly felt pathetic, laying here and fantasizing about such a young and innocent girl like this… her own student..

These thoughts she had were dangerous .

But as Brianna tried to distract herself with something else, anything, while reminding herself that Aquaria was completely off limits, Brianna quickly realized that it only made matters worse. Because the more she told herself that Aquaria was forbidden fruit, the more she wanted her…

Goddammit … Brianna thought to herself as her body felt like it was on fire, while she thought about those plump lips of Aquarias and wondered how her young body looked underneath those tight clothes she’d worn to class today.

She shook her head and wondered how Aquaria had managed to make such a deep impact on her after only one day.. It left her baffled… And she couldn’t stop thinking about her.. It broke Briannas heart though, because she hadn’t felt any emotions for so many years.. Not for anyone.

Brianna simply didn’t do feelings…

It had been like this since her last failed relationship, which had ended years ago… After that, she had almost pulled a switch inside of herself and turned off her ability go feel something..Leaving her feeling well. Numb .

And Brianna had promised herself to never ever get involved with anyone again. And it had worked. It had worked absolutely fucking fine… well.. at least until today. Until Aquaria had turned her whole damn world upside down..

Brianna sighed. What the hell should she do about this damn mess? Maybe she should just take the easy way out and run? Just move and never look back? Yeah, maybe she should… it was probably for the best

but then reality hit her. She didn’t actually want to move. And she had grown tired of running. Besides. She had looked forward to this teaching position and she absolutely loved this house she lived in for the moment. Goddammit ..

So, Brianna couldn’t run. She just had to find another solution, whatever that now could be. And she was an adult, so she should at least manage to get it into her thick skull, that her thoughts were wrong. Sick. Yes, they were sick. Brianna was sick. Maybe her father had been right after all?

Besides, Brianna knew she could ruin Aquarias life if she let anything happen between them… She didn’t care so much about her own pathetic life though, but Aquaria at least had a shot and a bright future in front of her.

All this thinking gave Brianna a migraine so she sat up in her bed and drank the water bottle that stood on her nightstand. Suddenly her mind took a dark turn as she began to think about the family she once had, but lost, simply because of who she was. She didn’t even know if her parents were still alive, but that didn’t really matter.

You’re sick! Get out of my house! Right now!

Her father’s words still clung fresh to her memory, and it felt like it had all happened yesterday.

I can’t even look at you! So get the hell out I said to you! RIGHT NOW!

Brianna still remembered all those tears she had shed that night, because she had never cried that much in her whole life… and she still remembered how she had begged her father, on her bare knees, to forgive her, to just accept her for who she was. But he didn’t. He ignored her words, and instead gave her a slap across her face and continued to scream at her.

As I see it, I don’t even have a daughter anymore!

Brianna had just turned 15 when she had been thrown out to the streets, to fend for herself. With just a worn out bag on her back and a small amount of money in her pocket.

And the reason?

She had been seen kissing another girl.

*******

When the alarm went off the next morning, Brianna felt more like a zombie than a actual human being. She had hardly slept the previous night, but she rose from her bed anyway.

And Brianna was used to running on empty as she stood in front of her mirror and began to apply her makeup, carefully making sure to hide the enormous bags under her eyes. It didn’t take long for her to paint her face though, even if she was dead tired, because she was used to this.

She thought of herself as quite the actor, as she pulled on a blue tight dress and curled her hair before finally meeting her reflection in the mirror and admired her appearance. She looked absolutely beautiful and stunning for her age.

Looking at herself, she straightened her dress and wondered if someone would ever understand that behind that perfect facade that was Brianna, was still that lost and scared 15 year old girl that didn’t want anything but love.

Brianna laughed at herself. Who was she kidding? She would never allow anyone that close again… or would she, she thought to herself when Aquaria crossed her mind.

She would never hurt her or break her heart,that Brianna was sure of. Because Aquaria knew what pain was, since she seemed to struggle with her own demons. So she  would at least understand Briannas pain.

Another alarm suddenly went off, telling Brianna it was time to stop feeling sorry for herself and leave for work. But before she locked her house, she pushed away all her thoughts.

Especially those about Aquaria.

******

Arriving at school, Aquaria hardly even had the chance to sit down by her friends table, before the questions began to rain down on her.

“finally! Girl! What the hell happened yesterday? The suspense is killing me girl, so spill!“ Kameron said with a mischievous smile. She was the loudest in the group, so of course she was the first one Aquaria heard.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you girls, but nothing happened between me and.. the..ehm… Her ” Aquaria replied with a shrug. She wished something had though. But some things were better left unsaid.

“Nothing?” Asia groaned, sounding almost disappointed. “Not even a little kiss? “

“Nope.. As I just said… Nothing.”

“but you wished something had happened though, right, girl? “ Blair asked and the group cheered her on. Aquaria rolled her eyes, trying to find an answer, even if she deep down wished she could just disappear through the damn ground.. when she suddenly heard heels click against the floor.

Aquaria turned around and felt her mouth water at the sight of her teacher, that looked even more gorgeous today than she had done yesterday. How now that was even possible.

The group quickly scattered, so Blair and Aquaria jumped off the table and walked up to the nearby classroom. Brianna came up to the door at the same time, pulling up her key from her purse to unlock the door.

“Good morning. “ Brianna said casually to Blair before her eyes went to Aquarias and they shared a small smile. It was maybe nothing special, but to Aquaria it was.

It was everything.

****

When the class was finally over, Brianna felt a desperate need to talk with Aquaria alone. She knew it was a terrible idea though, to actually be alone with a girl she found so incredibly attractive… Brianna just had to make sure to keep her hands to herself.. Even if she knew deep down, that was probably easier said than done. Goddammit.

“Aquaria? “ Brianna said, and the young girl almost stumbled over her own legs, by hearing her name so suddenly and unexpected.

“Eh.. Yes Ms? “

“can I speak with you? In private? “ Aquaria frowned. She was probably going crazy, but she was almost sure she heard desperation in Briannas voice.

The young girl leaned over the desk that Brianna was sitting by at the moment and probably didn’t do it on purpose, but she put her hands on top of Briannas. The touch sent shivers down her spine, but the teacher quickly pulled back, clearing her throat. Goddammit. You’re on thin ice already B.. You don’t have to make it worse on yourself.

It took a few seconds before Aquaria realized that she had placed her hands over Brianna, leaving her to feel like a complete idiot. A complete fucking idiot who was obviously crushing on her teacher.

“Ehm, oh? “ Aquaria only managed to say, since she didn’t seem to be able to function properly when Brianna was present. It was driving her crazy and the only thing that Aquaria wanted to do right now, was to press her lips against Briannas.

Just to get it over with it , Aquaria told herself, desperately trying to convince herself that she wasn’t actually falling in love with Brianna.. That would be so fucking weird, to begin with. And not only weird but also dangerous. And wrong! Don’t forget about wrong.

Over and over again, she tried to tell herself that this wasn’t a crush. Nope. It couldn’t be. Aquaria was just sexually attracted to her teacher. Nothing more. That was it. Besides, Brianna was a sexy woman, right? Nobody could deny that. But sadly, Aquaria didn’t even buy her own lie since she knew that this was so much deeper than just psychological attraction.. Fuck.

“it will only take a second” Brianna replied and her voice made Aquaria snap back to reality.

“ehm… Sure… Well.. Ehm.. of course Ms Brianna” Aquaria stuttered and sat down in front of the desk, with her heart in her damn throat.

“take your time, girl..” Blair whispered to Aquaria, before she left the classroom. Brianna managed to hear every word though and she couldn’t help but wonder what that actually meant.

Did Aquaria feel something for her as well? No. Yes? Goddammit. It still didn’t change anything Brianna told herself as her eyes met Aquarias. Oh but it would. It would change everything. Fuck.

“So, what’s ehm.. Up? “ Aquaria asked, trying to lighten up the mood, even if she heard exactly how stupid and awkward she sounded as the words left the tip of her tongue. And it didn’t help a bit that the room felt crazy tense either. It was almost like something had happened between them, even if nothing actually had.

“I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay, I mean, considering what happened yesterday? “ Brianna said and Aquaria quickly noticed how nervous she sounded, which left her confused. What the actual fuck was going on?

This wasn’t the same Brianna that she had met yesterday, that had been so well put together and calm. This was somebody else. An actual human being that was obviously hurting for some reason.

Aquaria knew she was probably the only one that actually saw it, because she always saw past the surface. It was one of Aquarias hidden talents, to be able to see past people’s bullshit, and suddenly the weird tension in the room made at least some sense.

Brianna maybe was a nervous wreck just as Aquaria was? Maybe when worse? Her mind began to spin as she tried to process her thoughts. Maybe Brianna just put on an act to the world, to hide who she actually was and what she really felt. But why? Aquaria knew she had to know. She just had to play the game carefully.

“I’m okay.. Just tired” She replied and Brianna simply nodded, so aquaria decided to push on, as she added, “how about you, are you okay Ms Brianna? “

The question took the older woman completely off guard, making her panic. She knew she had to tell Aquaria to leave, and that fast, so she stood to her feet. She was about to show Aquaria the door, but she put down her arm as quickly as she raised it.

Ugh. Fuck playing the game carefully Aquaria told herself as she walked up to the teacher and pushed her up against the wall, then looked straight into her eyes.

And there it is was.

Briannas whole face screamed of lust, passion and desire mixed with fear and Aquaria knew she should just leave, but she couldn’t. And she didn’t really want to if she should be honest. Besides, she was already in to deep.

Aquaria didn’t have a chance to make the next move though, before she was spun around, pushed up against the wall and attacked by Briannas hungry lips.

Oh my god..

The kiss was desperate, painful, but also fucking amazing. Aquaria was totally blown away because nobody had ever kissed her like this … And as their lips parted, both were gasping for air and wondering the same damn thing:

What the hell just happened?

[seafoamchild]

may 5

i feel so tired of everything today. i feel like i'm swimming in the ocean and every time i come up for air, another wave just crashes into me and knocks me back under. like last month on my spring break i had so much trouble enjoying my trip because of another stupid fucking UTI and i didn't respond to the antibiotics and then i had to wait til i got home to get different antibiotics and i was in pain for so long.

and the sleep thing, OMG. i am so exhausted and i don't know what to do. my therapist has mentioned sleep hygiene so many times and it's clearly more than that. every time luke sleeps over, i can't sleep. like at all. like maybe i'll doze off for about an hour sometime in the early hours of the morning. but i essentially don't sleep. i've tried smoking indica, taking CBD, eating delta-8 gummies, taking time to wind down, no screens before bed, i've even tried taking trazodone twice now and it didn't do anything. i took two trazodone last night and it made my body incredibly tired but my mind wouldn't turn off and i think there was maybe an hour, maybe not even, where i dozed off a little bit and had hyper-realistic, disturbing dreams. i'm so frustrated and i feel so helpless. like i want my boyfriend to stay over like a normal relationship and i want it to feel nice. all i want is to wake up next to him feeling rested. but instead every time he sleeps over i just feel like a fucking zombie the next day and it's dreadful. i just don't know what to do, i don't know what to do! it's awful and it's really getting me down and i feel like ive just tried everything!!! and it's not just him. when i visited matthias in january we shared a bed and i didn't sleep for like four days.

and then on monday out of nowhere my hip just started killing me while i was at work. like i was limping. it felt like a pinched nerve or something. i could barely walk the next day. i went to acupuncture and he found so many knots in my lower back. it was so painful to lay there and feel how much my back hurt. like now i can't run until this pain starts going away. i can't believe how many times i've been to the doctor this year. all the therapy and psychiatry and UTIs and back pain - i feel so tired. i just want to feel well again. mentally i've been having such a hard time. i feel depressed, i feel no motivation to do anything. i don't know. i think i'm just sleep deprived and burnt out. i tried to do too much this semester and i burnt myself out. i want to feel energized and excited again.

that's not to say i never feel happy. i do, when i'm with friends or when i'm with luke. yesterday was my birthday and i woke up to sunshine after what felt like an eternity of grey days! luke came over with a picnic basket and a bouquet of daffodils that he picked himself. we took acid and went to the park, where we walked along the lake and had a picnic in the sun. it was so fun. we looked at flowers and birds and just played outside. then we went to the basilica and looked around at the stained glass windows and all the religious art, and then we went to the domes and looked at more plants together. it was so cute and fun. and then i had some friends over for drinks and snacks and it was very cute and the best part was when we were all sitting outside on my balcony and we saw a great horned owl land in a tree! it was silhouetted against the sunset! it truly felt like a sign- i've been wanting to see an owl for sooooooo long. and there it was! i got a sunny day and an owl!

then later that night me and luke were sleepily talking about our relationship before bed. he said i've made it so easy and fun and that the whole relationship has felt like being in a lazy river - just easy and simple. it's funny he feels that way. because for me it's been so much more stressful. my anxiety is seriously so bad. just wondering if he really likes me and feeling needy for asking for more reassurance and support and feeling rejection if he doesn't text me enough or if he doesn't wanna hang out after we've already hung out like three days in a row. like i feel crazy and irrational and i still don't know how to differentiate between things that are normal to feel upset over and what things are just me overreacting with anxiety. the uncertainty was so bad. i feel better now that he tells me he loves me and is way more affectionate. i knew it would take him a while. i think it really is my anxious attachment that has me falling in love so quickly and bending over backwards to make the relationship work and to make the other person love me. and i feel so insecure until the other person feels as intensely as i do. and then i still worry that they're going to leave me one day.

dude i am exhausted. i really am. i need some kind of fresh start.

[mcrmadness]

I was happily writing a random fanfic (Richy/Igor because why not) when the news about dä tour hit, I had an adrenaline rush and now my mood hit the rock bottom. And I don’t know what to think.

I’m so tired and also angry at my brain, because of my mental health stuff. I feel like the way I’m living my life is just... bad. Like, idk, it feels like depression even. And it scares the shit out of me. I can still remember very well how my life was like when I was depressed when I was 15-17, it got better only when I started antidepressants. It’s like... I don’t want to die but also life feels so pointless? I have a strong will to live but at the same time I feel like I’m more of living in some sort of limbo between life and death. I only exist, and it’s so hard to reach out to my dreams when the dissociation hits everytime and if that doesn’t, then anxiety does. I usually have been able to deal with anxiety and it has helped a great deal when I just accepted it as a part of me and something I just have to survive with. It made life so much easier when I wasn’t trying to fight against myself all the time, but let it be and exists there.

For years I have been wondering about depression tho because I have the tendency for that but just the thought of that always freaks me out so much I go into denial. I just don’t want to face the feels I had that night when I have no other way out but to start antidepressants. I was feeling so shitty those days and it grew so unbearable I could not continue like that anymore. Since I quite antidepressants in 2013, I have been so afraid that the depression would come back one day because I promised myself I won’t start eating them ever again and if it was to come back, I would not have that form of escape anymore. I don’t want to eat meds ever again but what do you do if you feel so shitty and can’t fix it yourself? At its worst it was me in the shower wishing I could also just go through the drain with the water and stop existing. That happened almost every time I was in the shower, I was just staring at the water going down the drain and wished that was me.

I hate it so much that not only can our bodies decide whenever to die, also our brains can malfunction on a daily basis like mine does. Lately I have been having these short episodes of what I would call as depressive feels. Usually I get these during autumn and not during spring. I know that for some people spring is the worst depression time and for me the seasonal affective disorder has always been the exact opposite aka happy and energic during spring and summer, and flegmatic and tired during autumn and winter; so having these in the middle of March is really weird.

One of the biggest reasons for why I’m against antidepressants on myself is that they absolutely killed my creativity AND my emotions. I was not able to create as much as what I used to do before them. Everything I drew or wrote was very shallow and emotionless, it was so hard to get anything started and done and to get any kind of depth to anything so that even the coloring work and everything was not that good. I see this still today if I take something I drew before, during and after meds.This is especially visible with my texts as I wrote several short fanfics around that time and once I started writing again in 2018, my texts were suddenly so much smoother to read. And between 2013 and 2018 I had only written school essays and screamed my thoughts into the void called the internet so there wasn’t really any practice going on that could have affected my skills.

With meds I just always felt that something was lacking from my art and texts and it was really frustrating to me because at the time I did not know what was it, everything just felt so much more difficult than what they should have been and I needed so much effort to even get something drawn or written and none of that was as good as what it should have been with that amount of effort. It’s so different now when I haven’t been eating them for almost 8 years. I just wrote 6 pages of fanfiction here and altho it is slightly tacky sounding, I guess I could treat it just as a draft and it’s more important to write down the dialog and events, I can always work on the other stuff whenever I go through that text next time.

Anyhow, I’m even more exhausted now than what I was before. Maybe I will go to sofa soon and try to watch a movie or something, maybe I will fall asleep on the sofa. I’ve been so incredibly tired every day since last weekend. Yesterday I barely could keep my eyes open before midnight. I had woken up around 1pm or so and I was already so tired at night that I just had to go to bed at 1am and I fell asleep immediately. Every day has been feeling like some non-stop jetlag, or as if I had stayed up over 24 hours despite sleeping just enough. Last night I again slept about 7-8 hours, have been awake for almost 10 hours now and my whole body is trembling because of how tired I already am.

[hallucinatingoninkedtrees]

The Detective and the Criminal? (Part 1?) *Miraculous Ladybug AU Fanfiction*

A/N: Hey, guys! So here is my fanfiction for my writing class! It is an AU of the TV show Miraculous Ladybug. The idea is that Marinette is a detective, nicknamed Ladybug, and Adrien is a criminal, going from Hawkmoth to Cat Noir (in the future hopefully!) Please read and let me know what you think because this it my first fanfiction in a long time. Also, PLEASE DO NOT PUBLISH MY WORK ELSEWHERE WITHOUT MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION! Thanks everyone!

________________________________________________________________

              Marinette Dupain-Cheng’s baby blue eyes shot open as her alarm screeched into her ear. She sat up and hit the snooze button three times before switching it off completely. Her head fell into her hands as she groaned loudly. It was 5am and she had to be at the police station to report for work at 6:30. As much as she loved her job, she wondered if it was worth getting up early sometimes. Of course, this didn’t stop her from getting out of bed, just delayed it by a couple of minutes. She sighed and got out of bed and headed to the bathroom where she temporarily blinded herself with the florescent lighting.

           “Gah!” She cried as her hand lifted to her eyes to cover them.

But, seeing as it was Marinette, she was still walking as she protected her eyes trying to get her sight back. Slightly disoriented, she slammed into the edge of the door, and then into the sink’s counter as she moved over a step to far.

           With her normal eyesight returned, she grabbed the edge of the counter and held herself firm so as to not take another wrong step. She looked at herself in the mirror and groaned at the bags under her eyes. She swore they were bigger than they were yesterday. She glanced over her shoulder to the alarm clock by her bed to make sure she had enough time for a quick shower before an even quicker breakfast before she had to run out the door just to be on time for work. She thanked God that the station was right around the corner from her apartment, otherwise she would be late for work pretty much every single day. Of course, with her luck, she would take too long so she decided not to take the chance. She sighed and reached for the sink’s handle to wash her face as she her mind wandered to her job.

           Marinette had been a detective at the Paris police department for a couple of years now. She had been a young, bright eyed woman ready to do her thing and catch all the bad guys. Unfortunately for her the Captain didn’t think she was ready to do anything with the criminals that were brought in every day. He probably still thinks she shouldn’t be around the criminals considering how must of a klutz she is on a normal day.

           Her ability to hurt herself and those around her didn’t stop her from doing her best to help and protect the citizens of Paris. She wanted this since she was a child. Her parents supported her, her friend, and her old high school crush, Adrien Agreste boosted her self-esteem when she felt like she wouldn’t amount to anything. If it wasn’t for the people who loved and believed in her, she probably wouldn’t be as close as she is to make a major break in an incredibly high-risk crime lord case.

           Speaking of work, Marinette checked the time again and quickly realized that she spent way too much time staring at herself in the mirror.

           “Oh no! The Captain is going to have my hide if I’m even a minute late today!” She moaned.

           She quickly gathered her midnight blue hair into two low ponytails at the base of her head before running back into her room, practically ripping her pajamas off as she rushed around trying to gather everything she needed, all without trying to fall over as she got dressed.

________________________________________________________________

           Meanwhile, towards the center of the city of Paris, a young man laid in bed, having yet to fall sleep. His bright green eyes stared at the ceiling as his mind raced a thousand miles an hour. His father’s death had been on his mind lately, even though it’s been a few years. Adrien sighed as he put his hands over his face and let out a muffled groan before he sat up and got out of bed. If he couldn’t sleep then he might as well just get up and take a walk to clear his head. It was just going to be another long day for him.

           Adrien walked over to his closet and reach along the wall for the light switch. He flicked it on and walked into the large room full of well designed clothes. Brands like Chanel, Dior, Louis Vuitton, etc., seemed to call out to him, “Pick me! No, pick me! No, me!” as he walked by. He ignored them all as he headed towards the back wall that held the most basic clothing he could own; a black tee-shirt with blue, green, and yellow strips across the chest, a light gray three-quartered sleeves rolled up halfway over shirt, jeans, and black and white converse. He hated dressing up in suits on a day to day basis and tried to avoid it when he could. After all, why dress up and stand out when you could dress down and blend in when no one knows who you are.

           As he got dress, his mind wandered back to his father. He wasn’t the best man, and he wasn’t around much, but that didn’t mean Adrien didn’t love him. In fact, all he wanted to do was prove to his father that he could be just like him. His entire life, Adrien tried to follow in his father’s footsteps. He just didn’t think he would end up taking over his father’s business the moment he died. Adrien also wasn’t prepared for anything that had to do with pretty much owning and controlling all of Paris. His father’s biggest secret was the fact that he was Paris’ most notorious crime lord that no one had ever seen, which meant that Adrien taking over wouldn’t disrupt the flow of business.

           But, Adrien didn’t want that. He had been a normal kid, with a normal life, all while not knowing his father was the most wanted man alive. He wished things had stayed the same after his father died. The business went on and he was unaware of everything. Sadly, people don’t always get what they want.

           Adrien let out a soft sigh before he opened his bedroom door. He glanced both directions down the hallway. The coast was clear for the moment. He quietly stepped out and closed the door behind him. No need to start a panic at 6:30 in the morning. With the door closed, Adrien faced the direction of the stairway and tiptoed his way to the edge. He made his way down, avoiding the areas that squeaked or groaned with the slightest pressure. After sneaking out so many times, he had the entire floor plan of where the floor moved, or made the slightest sounds, mapped out in his head. It made for an easier chance of getting around the men without them knowing. As soon as he reached the bottom of the stair case, Adrien continued tiptoeing to the front door. He turned the lock, opened the door, turned the lock back, and closed the door within seconds of reaching it.

           He turned away from the door and breathed a sigh of relief. No matter how many times he did that it was still the most nerve wracking thing ever. Adrien headed down the steps and walked wherever his feet took him. He wanted to clear his mind and didn’t care where his body took him, because he was willing to go anywhere that wasn’t inside the house today.

________________________________________________________________

It was now 6:30 in the morning. Marinette had barely made it to work on time that morning. As soon as she made it a few feet away from her desk the Captain started calling for her.

“Where the hell is Dupain-Cheng?!” shouted the Captain, hanging out of his office door.

“Shoot! Here, Captain!” Marinette replied, raising her index finger as she dropped her stuff on her desk.

“My office. Now, Dupain-Cheng.” He said, turning around, letting her know that he was in a bad mood and that she had to be careful not to make him even more upset. She quickly made her way to his office before he could get pissed off at her for being to slow.

“Close the door behind you.”

She closed the door before standing in front of his desk. She wrung her hands nervously. She never got called to the Captain’s office for a good reason, so her anxiety was rising with every second he just sat at his desk, flipping through a file without looking at her or saying a word. She stood there for what felt like an hour before he turned the file to face her.

“Do you know what file this is?” he asked, finally looking at her. She reached out to pick it up.

“This is the file of the crime lord known as Hawkmoth, isn’t it sir?” she answered.

The Captain nodded before sitting forward and resting his elbows on the desk and his face on his hands. Marinette looked at him as he did so, wondering what this had to do with her. She knew that she had a chance of possibly getting put on this case but thought the Captain would pass over her because it was just to important to the department to have a detective like her risk losing the criminal.

“It is. This Hawkmoth has the whole city of Paris wrapped around his little finger, and I’m tired of it. It is time for that man to be put away for life, and I want you to help me do it.” He explained to her. His eyes hardened just at the thought of the crime lord getting away with everything.

“M-me?” Marinette whispered. The Captain was asking for her help on the Hawkmoth case?

“Yes, you, Dupain-Cheng. Word around the department is you earned the nickname Ladybug because you managed to put over twenty criminals away in 2 months. Every person who has worked with you has called you somewhat of a good luck charm. Guess you could say I need a bit of luck on this case.” He said, looking at her, holding his hands out in a ‘so will you help?’ manner.

Marinette looked from the Captain to the file in her hands before looking back at him with determination.

“You can count on me, sir.” She stated. The Captain nodded and motioned for her to get to work. Marinette left the office and headed straight to her desk to gather all the data she needed.

________________________________________________________________

           The time was 1:00pm. Adrien had walked almost all over Paris by this point. After so many hours of just walking, his feet brought him to the Louvre. The most famous art museum in all of France. He stared at the large, glass pyramid that stood over the center of the building. There was just something about it where it was the most beautiful thing he could look at all day long.  He inhaled deeply and let out a slow exhale before he turned to leave. Though, as he turned, someone ran right into him knocking them both off their feet.

           “Oof!”

           “Whoa!”

           Adrien shook his head and looked at who knocked him over. All he saw was the top of their midnight blue head that was separated into two ponytails. His eyes narrowed a little bit. There was only one person he knew that wore their hair like that.

           “Marinette? Marinette Dupain-Cheng? Is that you?” he questioned.

           Marinette’s head snapped up so fast it was a wonder she didn’t give herself whiplash. Her eyes widened at the fact that Adrien Agreste was sitting right in front of her. That’s when it occurred to her that she was the one to put him there.

           “Oh! Adrien! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean – I wasn’t looking – I should have… I am really sorry, I should have been paying attention to wear I was going.” Marinette cried, holding her hands in front of her mouth. Adrien just let out a small laugh before standing up and offering her his hand to help her up. Marinette took it and stood up within only mere inches between them. She started to blush as she realized how close they were. That is until she remembered her files she was carrying when she bumped into Adrien.

           “Oh, my files!” she groaned, letting go of Adrien’s hand and bending over to pick up the papers that were trying to take flight before she grabbed them. Adrien bent down to help her when he noticed a piece titled, “HAWKMOTH POSSIBLY FOUND?” He casted a quick glace towards Marinette before he grabbed the paper and stuffed in his pocket. He grabbed the rest of them and handed them to her with a nervous smile on his face. Marinette smiled back and took then and placed them into the folder.

           “Thanks Adrien. Um, hey since we’re here, do you maybe want to get lunch together? There’s this great place-,“ Marinette started off, blushing.

           “Sorry, Marinette. I wish I could, but I was actually on my way back to work when you knocked me over. Maybe next time we run into each other. Just without the whole knocking each other over part, right?” Adrien interrupted, rubbing the back of his neck and laughing. Marinette blushed even harder than before but nodded as Adrien took a step back.

           “Great! See you around then!” he said, before turning around and walking away as fast as he could.

Marinette couldn’t know that Hawkmoth was his father, and now him, could she?

           There was only one way to find out.

[unspoken-realities]

Anxiety attacks

April 27, 2020: An email to my counsellor, which seemed like a reasonable response to a nonchalant question: “How are you?”

Honestly things are…… ….idk …..They’re fine, I’m good, taking my meds, getting exercise, exploring Vancouver by bike (I have fallen in love with biking!), finding stuff to keep myself busy. I’m hoping soon to get some art supplies and start drawing/painting again because that’s a good release. I’ve made a list of fun things to do/learn if I’m bored, including baking bread and building myself a bookshelf, which is cool. Although finally in my life I have massive amounts of time to do those things I’ve always wanted, I’m struggling with the feeling that I SHOULD be doing SOMETHING, although I’m not sure what the something is. Generally I just have this sense of unease because I’m not ”being productive”’ or I’m ”wasting time”. But like, fuck that!!! Like I said, I FINALLY have a bunch of time to relax and bike and bake and do art and build and learn languages and songs and stuff and I’m hoping that I can just let myself do that. I’m trying to remind myself that “I have commitments to no one but myself.” My mom wants me to find a job, even though Trudeau is giving students $1250 a MONTH (SOO much money!!!) because of COVID. I don’t really want to find a job because, again, I have ALL this time to relax and dick around, money’s not an issue, and I have aspirations!!! Also, my mom is with-holding my backpacking gear (which I so greatly covet right now), because I accidentally let slip the wild and probably-not-going-to-ever-come-to-fruition idea that I was going to walk to Calgary. So that’s cool.

Okay, here’s where shit gets tough. A couple weeks ago I bought some edibles so that I could just use them recreationally once my exams were done. Last Monday was the first time I took some, and I was high off of my fucking mind. BTW, PLEASE do NOT tell my mother this. She will literally kill me. So anyways, last Monday I was in a parallel dimension for probably 6-10 hours, just absolutely vibing. Um, I love weed. I love getting high. It’s like finally I can tap into Creative, Fun Jill; I see the world so vibrantly and closely and everything becomes interesting and incredible. I love the high. It’s incredible to just waste so many hours in another world and ALL YOU NEED is yourself and your thoughts because, guess what? Your brain (MY BRAIN) is an entirely different universe. It’s crazy. Since last Monday I’ve gotten high like that … 4 times? Monday by myself, Wednesday (+ alcohol because I was done my exams), Friday with my roommate, then yesterday. On Wednesday as the high was ramping up it hit me that I am probably destroying my brain from the inside out. Since Wednesday, I have this same crushing revelation every time the high starts to kick in. Of course when I’m high though, I’m too fucking stoned to move so I tend to forget about the damage. But yesterday was different. I promised myself that this would be a weed-free weekend; I wasn’t going to take any edibles until to today, or maybe even wait longer. Around noon, something inside of me just said ‘fuck it, I need this. I don’t need to be awake and lucid and really living right now, why WOULDNT I get high? What the hell is stopping me? It will be so much fun.” And I listened and I took just a tiny bit more than I have in the past and I was bonked within an hour. I only wanted the high to last 6 hours, like it normally does. Instead, I went to bed still loopy as hell at midnight, 12 hours later. At 1:30 PM I lost my sense of touch. My roommate didnt believe me, but I seriously could not feel anything. Water wasn’t wet, nothing was hot/cold, it was all just the same. At 2 PM I started journalling (I usually do when I’m high to record my thought patterns). At 2:30 I had an anxiety attack. I physically could not feel, and I began to sense that the right side of my face had gone numb. Somehow some rational part of my brain woke up and rang the alarm bells and I said to myself, “holy shit, I think I might be having a stroke.” I was crying and terrified and I still couldn’t feel and I could barely talk and my face felt numb but my roommate assured me that everything was alright. I was hyperventilating, couldn’t breath (when I’m high I have trouble breathing anyway), lying on the floor, when I started to feel like I was seizing (again I wasn’t, it was just the anxiety attack apparently. However I distinctly remember violently shaking/shivering). I felt like I was dying. Every so often I would break through the surface of the high and ask my roommate how long this had lasted, before slipping under again. When I ‘woke up’ out of it around 3:00 I immediately assumed that the edibles I had (supposedly THC) were laced with something, because I felt like I was fucking crazy and dying for over an hour. It wasn’t just a high, it was like layers of high and anxiety and animalistic behaviour, I don’t even know. Brad, my roommate, helped me through it. I’m so fucking lucky to have Brad. His only sister has bipolar disorder (really bad case, apparently), and so thankfully he knew exactly how to get someone off the edge of an anxiety attack. He told me to lay down, open my chest, think about mac and cheese! He asked me what my favourite plant was and I was sobbing as I began to understand how he knew this would work. I was crying for my dad. My favourite plant is moss, specifically the moss forest that my family would go camping nearby. I cried for my dad, and Michael, and my mom and Eric and just everything. I just fucking broke. After the anxiety attack I was still stoned out of my mind for another 6+ hours. Brad got smashed. I took care of him and we laughed together and he said ” I love you” as we were saying goodnight. I think my heart broke, because I finally have confirmation that I’m not just a nuisance in his life, I’m his friend.

I already feel like my brain is rotting, but a part of me just does not care. Better to live a happy short life, than a long boring one.

The worst part is, I want it again Today Even though I know how destroyed I was just 24 hours ago, I want to feel numb and high and light and unbothered and curious and observant yet asleep. Sleeping is my favourite part of my day because I get to dream; with weed, I can dream awake, all day long. I love it.

[svetlanabelikova]

Journaling (II)

content warning:

medical & surgical talk

weight loss

discussion of anxiety and previous self-harm

349 pounds.

that is how much i weighed yesterday. i haven’t had my weight taken in like, 3 mon.s so it was and always is a bit of a shock. last time it was taken i was in the low 40s but i’m glad to see that i haven’t tripped back over the 50 pound mark. cause i’ve been over it in the past. when i was in the Biggest Depression™   i was pretty far over that but after we got the kids i lost it and have managed to keep it off. i’ve done everything in my power my entire life to avoid saying my weight out loud but i guess i sorta have to get over that. no keeping the cat in the bag now.

so rupinder, my assigned np, sat and talked with me for about an hour. i told her my fears about surgery and my unique health challenges. she answered most of my questions and looked over my medical records. most of my stuff is high, not out of the acceptable range though. my cholesterol is high, but not scary high. my blood pressure and temperature, etc. are all at the highest end of the acceptable scale-- except my blood sugar. that is at the lowest end. of all the health problems that effect most fat people, i’ve been graced with a genetic disposition to have fairly low blood sugar most all the time so diabetes is strangely not really a threat to me. the only co-morbitiy i have along side my weight is weight-related stresses, i.e. my bad knee, my back, my feet. they all suffer because they are essentially carrying around the weight of 2 and 1/2 people all the time. it harks back to what i said yesterday: i am more fat than i am me.  she has submitted me for surgical consideration. i will have to jump through a few million hoops first. this morning i went in for blood tests. 10 vials. that’s not the most i’ve given, i used to give a pint of blood for blood donations at my high school but still, it was a lot of different tests obviously. the phlebotomist was nice. she complimented my earrings and kept fussing over me. i always feel like i should tell them that needles and blood don’t freak me out. i find them fascinating and almost comforting in a weird way. i learned to take my grandpa’s blood sugars and give him his insulin shots when i was 7 or so. i grew up around needles and blood so it has never been a source of stress or anxiety. speaking of anxiety, rupinder asked me if i was dealing with a lot of stress and i stated that outside the stress of this whole ordeal, i liked to live mostly stress free (outside DND games when shit gets wild), but then she asked about my anxiety and i... i never know how much to emphasized that i am always anxious. always. i always have obsessive thoughts about what is going on inside my body, what could be wrong with it. i always have obsessive thoughts about what could happen to the kids or my other family members as soon as they leave my eyeline. i always have morbid thoughts of grotesque deaths or impairments swirling around my head, that might effect me or those i love. i always have anxiety about leaving my house and having to interact with people. i don’t mind talking to people, that’s fine. i can talk but i am always scared shitless that i’m going to do something wrong or fuck something up no matter where i go. and i always feel like everyone is judging me. they are all looking at me and they can see how wrong everything about me is no matter how much i try to hide myself.  so i mentioned to her that i have just, roving general anxiety and she asked if i was talking medication. i said no. she asked why and i, just sorta shrugged. ‘money’ would have been the best answer but also the answer ‘because i don’t drive so i’d have to ask someone to drive me and i don’t want to burden other people with my stupid bullshit and my anxiety is just fake anyway so the real every day stuff has to be taken care of first before i can worry about my stupid brain’ is more true but less convenient. she told me she would be referring me to a psychiatrist so i can talk through my stress and anxiety about the surgery and weight loss. i’m not sure how that will go. i’ve never talked to anyone before. i mean, i once got called into the counselor’s office in like, 8th grade because someone reported me as being suicidal and indulging in cutting-- which at that time, i wasn’t. it wasn’t until about, a year and a half later that i did start engaging in self-harm. i sat in the office trying to figure out who had reported me and avoided talking about myself to the best of my ability. i just told them my grandpa had recently died (which was true) and that i was sad (also true) but nothing else was going on.  i never did figure out who it was. either way, talking to someone about my paranoia in regards to surgery will be interesting. i can’t wait to spew out all my fun, erratic fears about dying under the anesthesia or accidentally sneezing and my internal stitches ripping open then bleeding internally to death alone in my bed, and being found the next morning by one of the kids then my death having a direct effect upon their mental well-being. just fun things like that. in sillier news, i did my first urine test today(9.20.19).  i missed the cup twice. the fact that folks with vaginas don’t get like a funnel or something is wild. talk about shooting blind. like, i know the anatomy, i really do, but once your there in it, you just gotta have a come-to-jesus moment with your god and really flex your muscle control.  i also have to provide a stool sample which is even worse that the urine test for sure. they gave me a weird plastic bucket and a medically sterile popsicle stick to scoop the poop into a cup. then i gotta take my warm sample to the lab within an hour for the best results. i wonder what they will find in the stool that they can’t find my blood and urine. she mentioned she would be testing me for drugs but i know that is found easiest in urine and blood. i barely even take vitamins let alone anything ‘drug’ like. i’m looking forward to that even less. it is a lot of tests, appointments, therapy, group therapy, the looming surgery and lifestyle change. it is all just.............. incredibly intimidating. it is the biggest, scariest thing i’ve engaged in so far in my life. my medical history has gone from notes about my weight and that i had strep back in 2017 to every little thing about my DNA from multiple sources-- with pictures! it is all a lot and for someone like me that has spent their entire lives hating doctors and going out of my way to avoid them it is a big, BIG adjustment that i’m hoping i will be able to acclimate to. but for now, i get to look forward to pooping in a bucket on monday morning. also i need to lose 50 lbs on my own before sugery.     

[wandering-around-the-world8]

Ireland Day 2

WARNING: Unnecessary emotional rambling. Skip ahead to read about the actual place. Today was better than yesterday, obviously. But now I’m just barely functioning. I didn’t wake up till 3 pm today (combo of yesterdays high stress, jet lag, and 3 hours of sleep on a plane) and I couldn’t convince myself to get out of bed till 4 pm. I had wanted to go on a walk down to the bay. But I couldn’t do it. I could barely leave my room without being overwhelmed with anxiety. Then I get back to my room and I’m consumed with disappointment in myself because I’m in friggin in Ireland and I’m not seeing it and I’m not doing what would make me happy and I’m trash. Then I scold myself for sleeping till 3, not getting out of bed till 4, and then taking too long to get dressed.Then I’m in constant dread of seeing my dad or stepmom because I feel like I have to act a certain way and they’re going to notice if I’m acting different but I should be fine now since we know the cause of the seizures and know it’s not life threatening. Now I feel like crap because I’m in a dream vacation spot and all I can do is ramble about shit on the internet. Ill give you a run down of yesterday. I was the only one there for the first seizure and in both cases I was the one who had to remain calm and collected and get shit done. Now I was raised in a family where they instilled the idea that in emergency situations they would always be there for support. I learned yesterday that my dad is USELESS in emergency situations. Not his fault I know, but it knocked a core foundation I had learned all my life onto its ass. Also his response is panicked shouting and screaming at me to do something and trying to leave me in charge while he goes and waits for the ambulance making me the main person responsible to keep the sick person alive. The whole thing really did a number on my mind. After the first seizure I had managed to calm myself and tell myself that its not likely ill be put in a situation like that again and if I do I know how to handle it better (which was true, but it didn’t stop the level of panic when it did happen) So right as I’d finally calmed myself, the second seizure happened and my dad panicked worse because there was blood since she had bitten her tongue the first time and opened the wound when it happened. So round two caught me off guard so badly and I’ve been on edge ever since. It’s like walking through one of those Halloween haunted houses where the monsters jump out at you. I’m just waiting for the bad thing to happen or the panic to set in. I walk downstairs and I can hear my dad panicking and screaming my name and to do something. I look out the downstairs window and my heart races as I scan the roads for an ambulance. I walk through the hall and I see flashes of my stepmom’s body seizing up. It’s like there’s an echo the day left behind.

And this is all happening on top of my usual general and social anxiety. I feel like I have to be strong and be normal instead of doing stuff I want because I know my dad will question it. Even if I got myself outside to the beach I’d be consumed by anxiety based on judgement or that my dad would start questioning what was going on with me. I tried to tell him that I don’t process stress the way he or most people do, but I couldn’t stop the panic enough to form coherent sentences. Im also feeling guilty that I’m glad the hospital is keeping my stepmom for another night, possibly two for treatment because I know when she comes back I’ll feel the urge to check on her every 5 minutes. Im currently looking out my bedroom window and each time I see a car that looks like the one we rented, my heart races with anxious dread knowing that my dad is coming back and that I can’t relax and I have to interact and be fine and social. Being alone is not something my dad understands and he thinks someone who wants to be alone means they’re upset or unhappy. He’s also very emotional and wants to talk about feelings and I do not. My poor therapist knows this better than anyone. Expressing my personal emotions and feelings (with the exception of anonymous internet ramblings) freak me the fuck out. I want to sit on the porch, but between the anxiety of being downstairs and the fear my dad will ask what I’m typing or try and socialize with me is too much (I am an awful daughter tbh) so instead I’m sitting on this nifty window seat in my room with the window open. Long story short ,here I am, complaining when I should be grateful I even got to come to Ireland. I feel like an awful human.

Okay enough emotions.

START READING HERE FOR REGULAR STUFF

It really is beautiful here. I can see the bay from my bedroom window and the ocean from the kitchen window. The ocean is about 4 miles away, but the bay is at the bottom of the hill. It looks like it’s made of dark gemstones from the way it sparkles in the sunlight. Everyone said it would rain the whole time I was here (not that I would mind, I love rainy weather), but it’s been sunshine both days and clear at night. Oh my god you guys the stars! It’s so clear here and the stars are so bright and there are so many! I only got to see them for a moment last night when we got home from the hospital and I hope I can sneak downstairs after everyone goes to sleep to see them again. The town I’m in is magical. It’s set on rolling hills of bright green and there are farm animals everywhere. The sheep next door come right up to the fence and the neighbors behind us have sheep, chickens, and cows. The homes are all white or a pale color and they all have dark roofs. There are always boats on the bay as well. I can see three from my window. The place we’re staying in is about halfway up a hill and the view is incredible. Pictures won’t do it justice. Oh! I also met a dog who is apparently a neighborhood or town dog. She helped calm me down as I waited for the ambulance the second time. I haven’t seen her today, but I hope I get to before I leave. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll go on that walk and maybe she’ll be there. That’s all for now. Lets see if I can work up the confidence to go to the pub with my dad. His friends are playing there tonight and they have infectious levels of joy.

[lalka-laski]

Do you ever read the threads on r/AskReddit? Oh yeah, it's one of my favorite subreddits.

Is there anything you wish your parents did differently in raising you? I kind of wish they were more outwardly affectionate. I never realized how abnormal it is for your parents to barely hug/kiss you or tell you they loved you. I'm very appreciative to be marrying into an expressive family.

What would you do if the last person you texted asked you out? I'd be shocked, to say the least.

What was the last lie you told yourself? Hmm... Who was the last person who got frustrated with you? Glenn, most likely. He's the person I spend the most time with so it's only natural.

Did you have a good day yesterday? I had a lovely day, actually! I got breakfast with the in-laws, then spent the afternoon reading a GREAT book under a tree.

Have you ever swam in an infinity pool? Nope

When was the last time you mopped your kitchen floor? Honestly never, I don't even own a mop. There is SO little hardwood floor in my apartment that it's not even worth it. I just sweep my kitchen floor and run a Clorox wipe over it if needed.

What are your siblings’ names and ages? Candice & Kathleen, 36 and 25

What is the greatest source of anxiety for you? LIFE??? My entire existence??

What habit are you currently trying to break? Binge drinking and eating

What was going on in your life exactly 6 months ago? A whole lot of the same stuff that's going on now. Just with snow on the ground.

Do you think professional athletes are paid too much? Absolutely

If you had to invent a new chewing gum flavor that’s bizarre but you think people would still like, what would it be? Blackberry

What is your favorite work of art? The David Bowie painting I have hanging in my living room. My godmother had it commissioned for me by an artist in her hometown of Belfast, NI. It's the coolest gift I've ever received.

What was the last appointment or plan you had to cancel? I don't know if it really counts but my sister & I had potential plans yesterday that neither of us followed through with

What is going right in your life right now? Lots of good stuff! I've just had an overall positive mindset lately and it feels incredible.

What is going wrong in your life right now? Not much!

Did you do anything today that you can be proud of? I'm gonna pat myself on the back for getting up and out of bed today when I had a BAD case of the Mondays.

What spur-of-the-moment decision that you’ve made has had the biggest impact on your life? Eh, let's not go there...

Do you know anyone who is (or has been) a refugee? Yeah, my ex and his family all were.

What is your best friend’s worst habit? I have a few best friends but for the sake of this question I'll choose Glenn. His worst habit is his chattiness. Man never shuts up!!

Would you ever want to be an architect? No thank you

Are you currently stressed out about anything? Not particularly. Don't jinx me though!

What was the last adventure you went on? I'm not the adventurous type

[bambibambis]

wednesday january 2, 2019

i can't believe 2018 is over. time is going by so fast lately.

a lot has happened in the past few weeks. i think i need to start writing everything down. it's hard to figure things out without keeping track of what i already learned.

okay so where do we begin. things have been really rocky with harry. i can feel in my bones when things are good and when things are bad and my bones were telling me girl, you are in danger! i'm not sure how in detail i should get. on the one hand i need to remember everything to make sure it doesn't happen again. on the other hand i would love to erase this from my memory

from november 16th to december 7th harry had been sending nude photos of himself to kaya and receiving photos from her. it's really sad to think about. the devastation of being betrayed in such a selfish and thoughtless way at least brought some interesting experiences. during that time i received several signs that something was wrong. i want to get them all down so i know what to look for in the future.

on the 18th we went to a tash sultana concert. i knew something was wrong. he felt a million zillion light years away from me.

during the week that followed, one day i went in my room and saw harry doing something weird with his phone and his dick. i just thought he was jerking off or some weird shit but he was probably sending pictures to her. my gut told me to talk to him about it but i didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. in that same week my instagram was flooded with pictures of her. i thought she looked really dumb and it made me happy that she was making a public fool of herself so i showed them to harry and he laughed along with me but i could tell it was insincere.

i went out on the day before thanksgiving. before i went out harry gave me a lecture about how i need to be a better girlfriend. that's so funny to me now that i know he was texting pictures of his dick to his ex girlfriend not even a few hours before the lecture. we i went out i got really really drunk and had an emotional breakdown even though i didn't know why. i texted bryan hi and then texted him again saying never mind. he texted me back saying happy thanksgiving. historically, i only feel like texting bryan when harry is texting kaya.

thanksgiving weekend was hard. he was acting so weird and distant and we spent the whole weekend being sad and not talking. couldn't bring myself to kiss him or touch him and i didn't know why.

things kept being weird until the 1st of december. by then i felt happy with harry and i think he felt happy again with me. i'm not sure what shifted our energy. that night julia said something weird about how she used to have a crush on harry. the next night we went out to house of yes. our friend patsy came. she's kaya's friend too. julia got her tarot read. the tarot card reader said something like "stay away from harry." that made me mad because it was the second harry related thing coming from julia. i freaked out and yelled at harry as if i was yelling at julia. i think now it was just the universe telling me that something is going on between harry and a girl that's not you.

the next weekend harry went to court on the 7th. he later told me that after court he got coffee with kaya and told her they have to stop sending nudes to each other. we had a good weekend. on the drive home i told him the plans i made for his birthday. i said that i wanted it to be a surprise but i just couldn't keep any secrets from him. i had to tell him or else i would die of anxiety. he later said that made him feel bad, knowing that he was keeping something so big from me.

on the 12th we got an amazing 6 month anniversary dinner and went ice skating. when we got back the room was covered in rose petals.  i was happy.

on the 13th he left for shalom mountain. that weekend allie tumminia and ally cirelli both told me that julia had told them she and harry used to exchange nudes. i thought it was weird that they were bringing that up but they were just trying to warn me that my man was out her sending nudes. bryan also texted me that weekend.

when harry got back from shalom mountain my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest. i was so upset and i didn't even know why. i cried nonstop all week. we talked on monday night but it didn't make me feel any better. i told him that.

H: Think about it and we can talk more. I want you to be happy my love. I feel like I have built our relationship without being upfront about my needs to be independent (partially because I didn’t realize and partially because of fear) and perhaps I kind of pulled the rug out from under you. Maybe that’s part of what you’re feeling. I’m sorry if it is, it doesn’t change how much I love you and want you.

tuesday i went home from work early and just stayed in bed all day and night. we hardly talked. on wednesday he was mad.

H: [picture of like george and martha washington and their kids or some shit] Found this this am.... dis is what I want with you. I have to go to Long Island tonight cuz I got doctors appointments tmw early. I hope we can talk before I leave. I can’t have you shutting down like this baby. I don’t really understand what’s going on, I made a mistake but it seems like you’re just closing off and shutting down. What you did when I got home from this weekend and what you continue to do is not acceptable. You say that I never tell you what’s going on with me but that’s what you’re doing now. I certainly never shut down completely like this on you. This is so fucking stupid, you’re upset about me leaving you for the weekend and so you push me away? As if I don’t dedicate literally every moment of my life to loving you. I hope you can meditate on your feelings today and come home communicative and with half of the accountability for our relationship. I would like to have at least 1 day of my birthday week not be completely shite. I love you Victoria, you have a partner who loves you boundlessly and goes so far out of the way to show it to you. There’s no reason to be doing this shit.

V: I don’t know why you’re being so aggressive and defensive I didn’t even say you did anything wrong. Yesterday I was just feeling sad and confused and also very sick. Idc about you leaving for the weekend at all I never said it was about that ever not once. furthermore I apologized for how I acted on sunday. And I told you I was upset on Tuesday. i feel like you talked at me so crazy in this message and in your messages from yesterday and when we were talking on monday. Like I cannot believe you would speak to me like this. Im sorry that your life is so horrible because of me engulfing it and im sorry im ruining your birthday by being sick and sad.

H: I’m aggressive because I’m angry. I don’t like being treated this way. You apologized but have continued to do the same shit so that apology means very little. It’s not okay to put a wall between us like this. You barely even looked me in the eyes yesterday. Being sick and sad and confused is no excuse to cut me off. Whenever I’m sick sad or confused I still give you love and do what I can to show you I care. If you don’t feel like I didn’t do anything wrong, why were you so angry and why are you treating me this way? What I’m hearing is “I apologized for how I treated you but I’m going to continue treating you the same way because I’m sad and confused for an unspecified reason but I’m not upset with you. You’re crazy for feeling the way you do.” You’re calling me crazy for expressing how I feel. I understand I’m being angry but I’m also listening to your feelings, hearing them, and apologizing for my wrongdoing. I’m being affectionate and trying to be communicative. The fact that you are calling me crazy shows me that you’re unwilling to see where I’m coming from. I’m not calling you crazy, I’m actually hearing you, I just don’t understand where you’re coming from because you haven’t seemed to tell me yet. It’s so fucked up of you to be calling me crazy. Even if I’m not understanding you I’m not being fucking judge mental about it

V: “I feel like you talked at me so crazy” does not equal me calling you crazy. At all. You’re confusing me because you’re talking at me in a way that is so unlike you that I don’t even know how to respond. and you’re not listening to a word im saying and what you are listening to, you’re misconstruing or misunderstanding. I was just laying in bed yesterday I wasn’t acting like a demon. Im sorry I wasn’t all over you and on top of you but you knew I was having a rough weekend and rough day and also you just got done telling me how much I engulf your life and how much you needed to get away from me and be independent from me.

H: This is me angry. I’m sorry I’ve never really talked to you angry so it might seem crazy but it’s not. I’m not saying you were acting like a demon, I’m saying you continued to behave the way that you had previously apologized for, which implies that you aren’t sorry and that you don’t care how that behavior affects me. I didn’t say I needed to get away and you engulf my life. I just said I needed to find myself and regain dope independence. That means me doing things on my own and for me sometimes, because I ignore my own needs a lot of the time. That doesn’t mean when we’re together let’s not talk or make eye contact. I’m just trying to reclaim myself, not put a fucking ocean between us. You always are a little distant when you are having a rough time but this is more than that and I already said this really hurts me and you ready apologized but continue to do the same thing!!! I don’t expect you to be all over me when you don’t feel well, but it seems very little to expect eye contact or hi or how was your day or hey I’m not feeling well I need space or how did this incredibly huge thing you just did go? or at the very least a change in behavior from WHAT YOU JUST APOLOGIZED FOR. And I still. Do not know. Why you are so sad and confused. [America i just want to point out that he is giving so much attitude acting like he don't know why i'm sad and confused knowing full and damn well that he was a trifling ass and that i have telepathy and can tell he was doing some trifling ass shit.]

V: i don’t even know I just have a horrible terrible feeling that’s making me feel like the worst I’ve ever felt in my whole life.  Im sad that you are talking to me like im a baby infant. Im sad that you rather talk to strangers about yourself than me. im sad that you feel like you want to do incredibly huge things without me. In my head there are 2 kinds of things: things I want to do with you and things I don’t really want to do. You’re the one who said you wanted to share everything with me and now you’re acting like I have you in a cage and only let you out to eat and pee. No one ever said you cant do shit on your own. You’re like blaming me for not being independent enough and like trying to make up for lost time by yelling at me and making me feel bad. To me it feels like you went to shalom mountain and they told you to come back and bully tf out of me and you were like amazing idea. You’re the one who like demanded me to be vulnerable with you and demanded us to be open and one with eachother and this and that and now it feels like you are ripping yourself off of me after spending the last 6 months coming together.

H: I’m sorry you feel so terrible. Thank you, that helped me understand your feelings and my feelings so much more clearly. I needed to find myself on my own, without you. Not so long ago I told you I felt like I needed to find my individual self again and you said that was smart. I love you so much that I cared more about you and our relationship than I cared about myself. That’s not healthy for me or for us. My need for you overcame my want for you and that was fucking with us. That’s what makes me feel scared to express myself, that’s what makes me feel like I’m being punished. That’s not your fault, it’s just what happened. I needed to step back, find myself and come back to you. I could not do that journey with you. I need to be in this relationship because I love you, not because I’m scared to lose you. I don’t blame you for any of this, I have put myself in a cage of my own fear and my own need. I do feel that the part of you that is afraid supported my cage. But I know that the true you doesn’t want me in a cage and supports my individuality. You had your part to play, but I know I did this to myself and to us. I built a lot of our relationship out of fear. I am trying to kill that relationship. And that may be why you feel so terrible. But it’s okay we can start again. I want to build a new relationship out of love purified of fear. I’m coming back from Shalom being a bully for the same reason you came to Japan being a bully, we needed to rebalance. We are so out of whack Vic. We always make it work because we love each other but we’ve been out of balance since I lost my job. You know you’ve been dating a shadow of the boy you fell in love with. I went to Shalom and I found the boy you fell in love with again. That amazing open brave brilliant human that radiates light and love. I rediscovered how I don’t need a god damn thing in this world because I am perfect. I don’t need anything or anyone because I am already perfect love. And then everything was clear, and I realized how much I wanted you, how much I love you, but how our fear had been getting in our way. I just wanted to come home and feel you clearly and to hold you and to be held and I was so excited to tell you all this and to tell you about my experience and talk about going back together but when I came home I was met with fear and rejection and what felt like punishment for what I knew in my heart was exactly what I needed for me and for us. It felt so horrible and violating to finally feel like myself again, be so excited to be with you again, leave 20 strangers who loved me unconditionally and come home to the love of my life rejecting me. That makes me so angry. I understand this all didn’t happen in the best way and I’m so sorry my love, I left fearful and I gave you fear. That’s what I’ve been doing over and over. Pumping fear into our relationship. I shouldn’t have expected to come home to anything else but the fear I created. I am so so sorry for doing that to you. But I’m not scared anymore. I have found the love inside of me again and I feel like I can love you purely again, without fear. I’m asking you to let go of that fear with me and rejoin in unconditional love. I love you, you are so important to me.

V: There are so many things in this big ol essay that are so hurtful that I cant even think about right now. Im very glad you found yourself and im very glad 20 strangers love you unconditionally. Sorry I cant be them. I hope we can figure this out bc right now I don’t feel like the harry I fell in love with came back I feel like the harry that infuriated me in Japan came back. it’s really really horrible to hear that what I’ve been trying to do for 6 months and failing 20 random ass strangers did in 4 days. That crushes me into a million zillion pieces.

H: I’m sorry you felt that it was hurtful. I’m trying to be truthful so we can heal. I don’t want you to be them, I want you to be you. But I think all the fear in our relationship has gotten in the way of the unconditional love. You could have never succeeded, and the 20 strangers didn’t succeed either, I did it, I had to do it by myself. I just needed to be in a place where I was not around anything I was attached to. It’s just like last year except reversed. I was trying to save you but I was holding so much of the power, and you needed to break away to take it back and take yourself back. Then I think I became the scared one and you’ve been trying to save me but I needed to break away and take myself back. And maybe I have the power now so you feel like you did in Japan but I don’t want the power! I just want to share it with you. We need to find balance so 4 days doesn’t become 3 months

V: idk I just don't think we are ever going to see eye to eye on this. I never ever feel like someone has power and someone doesnt. I just thought you were feeling down and lost or whatever. idk this is so exhausting and sad I want to be done with it. Whatever i have to do to find the balance or whatever I will do bc i literally cant spend another second feeling this shitty.

that night we both went to long island together. i cried all night and he held me. it felt nice. i was happy he was taking care of me. it felt like he hadn't done that in a long time.

the next day i felt better and told him i was proud of him and happy for him. his mom sent me a video for my video montage. it was baby harry naked. his sister freaked out and was saying she didn't want us sending naked videos of harry. that's funny now bc harry was sending naked videos of himself.

later in the day i had to get a few more things off my chest.

V: I just want to communicate that me being so sad was never about the fact that you went away or about your new shift or you finding your center, that all makes me so happy and that’s all I ever wanted. I want you to be more independent and love your life and feel good what you’re doing on our beautiful planet. it was more about feeling like you didn’t appreciate our last 6 months together and that now that you found yourself you feel like you don’t need me and that you were looking down on me for not being spiritual enough or whatever. i just had this overwhelming feeling that you didn’t care whether we were partners or not and that made me feel very sad. It felt like you didn’t look at me as part of you anymore. it felt like I could be replaced by anyone and you would be just as happy. Idk if that’s true or not and i really hope it’s not true and that my feeling was just on bath salts or something but I think that is what I was feeling and why I was so sad. Nevertheless all I ever want is for you to be happy. It’s literally my driving motivation and I am so unmotivated but I am so motivated to make you happy. So im happy that you are feeling so great and I really can’t wait to have an amazing weekend celebrating both of my favorite holidays.

H: I appreciate you telling me this and explaining your feelings. I hear you. Thank you for loving me and caring for me so much and supporting me on my journey. That means the world to me. I appreciate the past 6 months so fucking much baby. I’m crying right now just thinking about it. I am so grateful for your love, your partnership and everything you’ve done for me. I don’t know how I could have survived these past few months without you. It means so much to me. These past few months would have been so much worse without you. But I do know that I don’t need you. I truly believe needing gets in the way of loving you. I am an amazing perfect human being on my own. I don’t need you to be amazing. But when I’m with you I feel twice as amazing and double perfect. I don’t need you [america, i want the record to show that i really appreciated getting some resolution but i was so so so fucking pissed when he said this i don't need you bullshit lmfao] but I want you because you are the cutest funniest smartest emotionally in touch gorgeous sexy thang I have ever seen. I love being around you and with you. You could not be replaced by anyone, you are such an amazing partner and we are fertilizers to each other’s inner beauty. That said, things have been out of balance. I know you don’t understand it or like it but our bonding pattern has been off. I think both of us have been driven by a lot of fear and need. And unconditional love is not fear and not need. I really don’t look down on you for not being spiritual enough, but I am sad at how much that aspect of our lives has been absent. I feel like you ridicule it and don’t want to talk about it or nurture that aspect of ourselves and our relationship. I don’t look down on you and I don’t want to be your therapist but how can I not talk at you about spirituality when you won’t talk with me about it? This is a huge part of my life. I’m never going to be without it and I feel like after we split up you didn’t want anything to do with it. I understand that may not be true but that’s the way I feel and we need to shift. I also want to mention that you don’t need me. You are a perfect amazing person on your own. You are the most amazing person I ever met! That’s why I love you!!! I love us because I love you. It’s not healthy to love us because we love us. We have to love us because we love each other. And that’s where I was having a problem. It felt like we were each half of one person rather than being each whole parts together making one couple. I love you, I want you, I love our partnership. I hope this doesn’t come off as therapy, I’m just expressing myself and my feelings.

V: i don’t mean to seem like I don’t want to talk about spirituality, I feel like I bring it up a lot we just do it in different ways bubba. It’s such an important part of my life too. Im always down to ruminate over the meaning of life but im also always gonna clown on it bc I clown on the things I love. I don’t feel like im the reason why it’s been less present in our lives and I don’t want you to feel that way either that’s upsetting. I think you just have that part wrong but I’ll make a more concerted effort to engage with it. and bitch I know im perfect ! I didn’t mean need need [i did mean need lol i just didn't want to get into it even more than we already were] I just meant like i felt like you didn't care whether or not I was with you. I worded that wrong [nah i said what i said]. I guess I just want to know that you would be sad if we broke up or I died or got kidnapped by the yakuza.

H: I’m glad you feel perfect! But I would be devastated if we broke up or you died or you were kidnapped by the Yakuza. I would survive but I would be an absolute mess for the longest time. I would be sadder than when George died and I would spend all my time Liam Neesoning or performing Voodoo resurrection spells. You and our relationship is so important to me they became more important than myself! THATS HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU. But I just need my self-love to be above all things

we got dinner that night after our conversation. things still felt weird but at least they were tolerable. the next morning he said he was going back to shalom mountain and i got so fucking pissed lmfaoo. we spent the day and night hardly talking. he fell asleep early. bryan texted me and we spent that whole night talking. bryan asked me if i was happy and i said yes. he asked me if he was being an asshole for reaching out to me after breaking my heart. i told him that the facts are we had a long intense maniac relationship that meant a lot to both of us and ended quite abruptly and that that's no ones fault and it's normal for us to both be babies about it whenever we feel like it. he said that i was so cool and mature. i had a relationship, could still talk to an ex in a measured and authentic way. that i was cool as shit. i told him that meant a lot and that it felt like like i needed to hear that but didn't know it until right now. he said maybe it was meant to be. we ended the convo and i knew that something was going on with kaya. the pieces were beginning to add up in my brain even despite my learning disability.

the next day, saturday, the 22nd, we rounded the troops and headed down to philly for harry's birthday party. at one point in the evening i went to get a video off his phone for the video montage i made him. what i found was 293847638292874632746786423892743075403598753486327r532768473890540938657439754036546594867458 videos of him and kaya having sex. that was a really pleasant experience for me. i didn't want to derail the party so instead i just kept my cool and continued to be the best host of all time. my friend ryan could tell i was upset and asking me if it was bc of the kaya thing. in my head i was like what fucking kaya thing bitch these are old videos so i know you ain't talking about this. so then i was doubley mad. he said "i'm sure the whole thing will implode." girl, i was seeing red. but i didn't want to ruin his birthday so we kept it moving.

later in the night we took some slamming molly and my third eye blew wide open. i told him i knew he wasn't telling me something and asked him to please just spit it out. he told me everything. i wasn't that mad at first. i understood. i really really did. when the molly started wearing off, i started crying so hard. i was so sad. i was crushed. heartbroken. i couldn't even look at him. it was still nice though. i really felt like i was with harry for the first time in a long long time. even though my heart was broken it was great to see him.

things since then were good but now they are back to rough. i'm still trying to make sense of it all and i'll get into more later. i wanted to get this chunk down so i don't forget.