#i am very anxious at the moment so this is making me so unbelievably happy you have no idea

[likeadevils]

Reputation Timeline

This is a very long post that puts all the songs on Reputation in order of Taylor creating them. I’ve also included a few other songs she worked on while writing rep and quotes from Taylor and her collaborators talking about her process.

If you don't want to read all that, check out this playlist of the album in order or this playlist of her entire discography.

I’ve also added this color coded scale of how sure I am of the date: 

Confirmed: There is some type of official source for the date

Inferring: Nobody has officially said “This is when we wrote it,” but all available evidence points to that date

Speculation: This date is based off pure vibes and guesswork and is highly likely to change.

Unknown: All that is known is the year (from the US Copyright Offices

February 13, 2015: Taylor's interview with Vogue is published (likely conducted on January 14/15).

"I don’t worry that I haven’t started the next record yet. I don’t worry that I don’t know what it’s going to be. I’m not worried that I have absolutely no timetable as to when it needs to be done. It could be two years from now; it could be three, it could be four. Or it could be one. You get these bursts of inspiration right at the moment you’re not expecting to. You just have to live your life, and hopefully you’ll take the right risks."

March 2, 2015: Taylor is photographed leaving a studio. (Note: I can not find a place that specifies if this is a recording studio, dance, photography, radio, or television studio).

May 20, 2015: Taylor's interview with Marie Claire is published (likely conducted two months beforehand).

Taylor is not even sure she'll have made another album by the time 2020 rolls around. "I'm not going to put out an album until I've made one that's better than this one and that's going to be really hard," she says. And how might her music evolve if she does find love? "If that does happen, I think I could find complexity in happiness," she says. "I don't think anything's ever simple. Just because you're happy in a relationship doesn't mean there aren't moments of confusion or frustration or loneliness or sadness. Hopefully, if I ever find some sort of meaningful relationship, I'll be able to still find inspiration, just through everyday ups and downs."

October 7, 2015: Taylor is photographed leaving a recording studio in New York.

November 13, 2015: Taylor's interview with Vogue Australia is published (likely conducted two months beforehand).

Every two years since 2006 she has released an album, followed by a tour, then moved onto the next one. But her latest album, 1989, might change plans a bit. “This album has produced more number ones than any album in the past, so we’re just going to go with it,” she says, going on to explain how the usual album cycle could be extended. “Then I’ll feel like I’ll need to give people a breather from me because at a certain point they’re going to get a little sick of hearing about me, so I’ll need to go away for a while then, depending on my gauge on how sick of me they are, I’ll decide when to put out the next album.” [...]  “I’ve been learning every single day what the right amount of sharing [of her personal life] is, and lately it’s been not natural because this album is such a snapshot of my life – it was so vivid, direct and honest.”

April 20, 2016: Taylor interview with Vogue is published (conducted in February).

So what the hell are you going to do with the rest of your life, Taylor Swift? “I have no idea,” she says, with a sigh that’s more blissful than anxious. “This is the first time in ten years that I haven’t known. I just decided that after the past year, with all of the unbelievable things that happened . . . I decided I was going to live my life a little bit without the pressure on myself to create something.” Do not freak: Swift is not abandoning making music. Those who know her know this is chemically impossible. (“Her not being creative is one of the last things I’d ever worry about,” the musician and producer Jack Antonoff tells me later.) “I’m always going to be writing songs,” Swift says. “The thing is, with me, I could very well come up with three things in the next two weeks and then jump back into the studio, and all of a sudden the next record is started. That’s an option, too.” But probably not for the moment.

August 29, 2016: Taylor writes in her diary "This summer is the apocalypse."

Gorgeous: Sep. 1-5, 16, 17, 19 (Confirmed)

In the Making of a Song video, Taylor is seen wearing this outfit in her Nashville apartment, which dates the song to September 17. From there, the rest of the dates are just math. 

King of My Heart: Sep. 6, 19, 20, 21 (Confirmed)

In the Making of a Song video, Taylor is seen wearing the same outfit in the Gorgeous video and the KOMH video. It's also the same outfit as a video she later posted to The Swift Life (RIP) where she talked about how excited she was to be working after a long break.

September 9, 2016: Gigi Hadid says "You know, [Taylor] is starting to go back to work in the studio again."

I Don't Wanna Live Forever: Early Oct. (Speculation)

In a teaser for the Making of a Song series, Taylor is seen in an unfamiliar outfit (black mesh top) with bleached hair and a thin gold choker that she was fond of in October 2016. She is not wearing her silver J pendant, which she got as a 27th birthday present (Dec 13, 2016). IDWLF is the only song with no video footage that was written in 2016. I don't recognize the studio in the clip, but she recorded IDWLF with Jack Antonoff, who is based in New York. Taylor was on the east coast until October 22nd, and was seen in New York between October 11-13.

Delicate: Oct. 24-26 (Speculation)

Taylor is seen wearing the aforementioned thin gold choker,  with her post Sep. 24 haircut (straight across bangs instead of a side part). Since she normally goes into the studio with Max Martin and Shellback with a few ideas, and creates multiple songs during their sessions, I'm inclined to group this song with IDSB and place it in late October.

I Did Something Bad: Oct. 14, 27 (Confirmed)

In the Making of a Song video, at 4:18 you can spot a gold temporary tattoo on the inside of her wrist, similar to ones she was wore at Drake’s Birthday Party on October 23. Since she is seen working until sundown (She leaves LA on October 28) and had to be in Nashville 13 days priar (She was seen in New York City until the 13), October 14 and 27th are the only dates that make sense. 

January 3, 2017: Taylor writes in her diary "I get all scared about the future because so much has changed in the last year of my life. I mean this time last year I was living in LA, getting ready for Grammys and now, I’m essentially based in London, hiding out trying to protect us from the nasty world that just wants to ruin things. We have been together and no one has found out for 3 months now. I want it to stay that way because I don’t want anything about this to change or become too complicated or intruded upon. But it’s senseless to worry about someday not being happy when I am happy now. Ok. Breathe."

Don't Blame Me: Jan. 10, 11, 12 (Inferring)

Taylor is seen wearing a similar jacket as she was papped wearing on the 11th in the Making of a Song video. (This is pure speculation on my part, but the mood also seems to be a bit lower than on other days). We know she was in LA around this time “for work.”

Dancing With Our Hands Tied: Jan. 11 (Confirmed)

This post explains the situation pretty well. There are multiple accounts of what seems to be a similar story. January 11th one of two times she is seen leaving the gym after a long paparazzi dry spell, the other being in July. Seeing as the song is produced by Max Martin, who is located in LA, and the July pictures are in New York, I’m inclined to agree with the original source.

Dress: Late January/Early February 2017 (Speculation)

Jack Antonoff: “Dress is my second favorite [from Reputation]. It's the first one we made for it." Taylor was mostly based in London in early 2017, but there’s two times we know she was in the states. The first is in early January, when Taylor was in California working with Max Martin and Shellback. The second time is in late January/early February, when she was in Nashville preparing for Super Saturday Night. My guess is this was written in Late January, mostly because she was on the east coast, but theoretically she could've done it earlier in the month, or even later in the year.

Look What You Made Me Do: Late January/Early February 2017 (Speculation)

In promos for the Making of a Song Video, as well as in Miss Americana, Taylor is seen with straight hair and her J initial necklace (dating the song to post-Dec 13, 2016). Her hairstyle (the deep side part) is very Mid-2016. For most of 2017, she seems to favor the straight across braids with strands on the side. Long story short (ha), the hair makes me what to put this as early in the timeline as possible. We know Taylor was on the east coast (specifically Nashville) in early February, preparing for Super Saturday Night.

New Years Day: 2017 (Unknown)

There isn’t any footage of this, but Jack Antonoff has said that it came together fairly quickly and unexpectedly while they were hanging out at his house. 

...Ready For It?: May 2017 (Speculation)

In promos for the Making of a Song series, as well as Miss Americana, Taylor is seen with curly hair, her J necklace, and not her Sapphire Evil Eye Ring, which starts showing up on June 27th (We don’t know exactly when or why she got the sapphire ring). . Since the song partially focuses on whether or not her lover is ready for the media frenzy that surrounds dating her, I’m inclined to place this song in May, when her and Joe’s relationship leaked to the press. The song was recorded in Sweden, and we can assume she was in Europe between May 15 and June 1, 2017. (That being said, we can assume she is in Europe for most of the first half of 2017). 

Call It What You Want: June 2017 (Speculation)

In the Making of a Song series, Taylor is seen with straight hair, her J necklace, and not her sapphire evil eye ring. Once again, I am tempted to put this after her relationship leaked to the press, probably in early June (She is in the states on the 1st and 3rd, and probably leaves sometime in mid-June).

End Game: Mid July (Confirmed)

Ed Sheeran has said that the song was written around July 14th, while he was playing in Connecticut and Taylor was in Rhode island. Ed: End Game was written - I was playing Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, and she has a place in Rhode Island, which isn't too far. So she hits me up like, 'I know you're in Connecticut, come around.' I go around, she plays me some of what turned out to be reputation, and plays me this End Game, and I was like 'Man, I really like this. Can I do a verse? Can I do a rap verse?' And she was like, 'Yeah, for sure!' So the next day, I remember, I was in bed, and woke up and got my laptop out, put the song, just looped it, wrote this verse, and I went in with Max Martin, who she did the song with, and recorded it. Then Future did a verse, and then Taylor wrote a verse and we did the video.

Getaway Car: July 2017 (Speculation)

In the Making of a Song series, Taylor is seen with curly hair, her J necklace, and her sapphire evil eye ring, placing the song sometime shortly before/after June 27th. We know she was in the states for most of July, and in New York City on the 17th and 24th.

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: July 2017 (Speculation)

In the Making of a Song series, Taylor is seen with straight hair, her J necklace, and her sapphire evil eye ring. For all the same reasons as Getaway Car, this song was probably recorded in July. The exact order of Getaway Car and TIWWCHNT is probably impossible for anyone not involved in the making of the song to know. I could see arguments for either order, but Taylor has said that reputation is in fairly chronological order, I’m putting it in order of tracklist.

So It Goes: September 2017 (Inferring)

Oscar Görres, a cowritter on the song, said he got a call from Max Martin, Shellback, and Taylor asking to use his track after he’d just had a child. According to social media, he had a daughter in 2015 and a son in September of 2017. The interview is a bit confusing, timeline-wise. On one had, Görres says “I’d just become a father,” but then he implies that Max and Shellback had already completed most of the album. (For context, English isn’t his first language). Personally, I believe the believe the September 2017 date. Multiple sessioners have said Taylor said all songs on the album were about her relationship with Joe, and the tracklists in the reputation magazines are out of order, suggesting a late change. Taylor has has also been known to add a song to the album incredibly last minute— most notably Forever & Always on Fearless, but also with Death By A Thousand Cuts on Lover, which had to have been written post April 20, 2019 (but that's for another album).

And that's all for this timeline! Check out my others:

TIMELINES: debut • fearless • speak now • red • 1989 • rep • lover • folklore • evermore • midnights PLAYLISTS: debut • fearless • speak now • red • 1989 • rep • lover • folklore • evermore • midnights • entire discography GENERAL: tag

[slaaverin]

3 days before the travel show and I feel already all over the place. So many emotions are already flowing, and so many questions to answer. I know that whatever expectations we have of jikook, they always somehow surpass them. But how? And how will people react? And how will we be able to handle it?

If you told me we'd get 8h+ of jikook content, I would have laughed. But it's not only content, it's just the two of them, with no other distractions, no work, just their real unfiltered interactions, in a context where they can simply have fun and enjoy being with each other. I feel like crying with how huge and unbelievable that is.

I don't know what we're gonna see, I can only imagine but I don't know, because we've never seen them in a situation like this. This is complete uncharted territory. And it makes me scared and anxious because there's a limit to the bro spin. What if they do something so huge people can't deny it anymore even if they try. Jimin said "I don't know if we can air this" and it doesn't calm my worries.

When we get seconds or minutes it's already on the limit. The articles are using very romantic terms already. But in 8 hours+? Sooooo much things could happen!

I am excited because I know we're gonna see them so happy, and it makes me happy. But I am scared as well because I don't know how far they're gonna push the boundaries, and I hope they will remain safe.

People would say "Don't worry, they would edit it out if it got too far". Would they? Really? They didn't edit out the hickey, they didn't edit out Rosebowl. They are pretty loose on the editing and what's supposed to be "politically correct" when it comes to jikook. And jikook however you squint act and feel and look like boyfriends on a 2 minute clip already. So in 8hours+? What the hell are we in for???

This show looks like pure joy, pure love. Like this is it guys, this is the most jikook we're going to get in such an intimate way. This is like a (BIG) peak into their relationship.

And they are letting us see it. Can you imagine how lucky we are? What's happening is INSANE. It's just not something that happens in normal life.

Everything will be on display. Except haters anyone with eyes will see their love. I'm???

This is really beautiful, because us jikookers we truly love these two men, and seeing them this happy, I think we're gonna reach levels of joy little things in life can provide otherwise.

This is a really special situation, with really special feelings, in this particular context, that will rise us up collectively, make us feel so many emotions, maybe all at once? Perhaps we'll cry, scream, hold our breath.

We spent so many years supporting these men, against all odds, because we recognized love and it touched our hearts so deeply it made us want to celebrate every little moments. We never faltered in our support.

Well I feel this is like the reward for all the love we've been giving back to them.

This is our time, truly.

Grouphug 🫂

It will be ok to let out all of our emotions. Let's be insane on the tl, share the joy, cry together, be a mess. I feel grateful to be doing it with all of you people.

How lucky we are to be alive at this time to witness this! Life works in mysterious and beautiful ways.

Let's enjoy it to the fullest ✨️

(I may share more thoughts as the show progresses)

[fraener]

7/16/24

back from the road now for about a week. slowly each day i have succumbed further to the panic and illness of my everyday life here. dishes arent done, stomach is a mess, exhaustion and panic and an eczema flareup. sinus symptoms, rash on my hands. all of my physical gripes were completely gone while i was out of town, i had so much energy, i was so much less anxious. i feel paranoid and sick. i dont know how to talk to my therapist about how afraid i am to leave the house because of the old plague and now the new surfacing. i dont want to leave my apartment but the walls are covered in and filled with mold that is making me so unbelievably sick. h noticed an immediate decline in my health and energy levels the minute i stepped foot in my apartment. i feel like ive been fighting a wave for the last week and i dont know i ever stood up against it before. it felt so good to be out of here, it felt so good to see the world and be home in the desert. its been a long time, but i have such a complicated and massive tangle of feelings in me my chest feels tight and hot. i dont really know what to do about all of this. im moving into a less moldy place but that comes at such a personal price to me, i have to get rid of almost everything i own which is such a difficult thing for me. i somehow have to sift through the emotions i set out for later from my trip, my terrible wonderful trip. we walked a labyrinth in every town and i filled my pockets with so many wonderful things, crystals from the mountains and sage from the desert and bones from the pine steppe and salt from the basin. caves, mountaintops, waterfalls, forests, coasts, wastelands. and h and i got along so well the whole time. things are really good with us right now, i really really hope he can see how much this place gets in the way of my health and happiness. its only ever really been about him occasionally, i think, and all of the grief has been from my overwhelm and him not understanding my overwhelm. he says everything will be right as rain if i move into my new place but itll be really tough if he moves into the trailer because its even moldier than my apartment. i feel very raw. ive got so much to do and no mind to start any of it. f has to get an abortion. i wish that i never really had to come home, i wouldve stayed out there for much longer. f is getting a new roommate in kk's house because they told me to find a different place before they had decided to stay. staying to study with c.b for the year but feeling so trapped and trod on and just helpless loss after having a dream about those 3 and upon waking thinking about how lucky and privileged they are as people, especially b. what a terrible feeling this is. therapy this afternoon after a brief last moment in the metals studio. ceramics studio open hrs this summer were so short and are so very nearly over, ill have to try and find some time to go in tomorrow on top of everything else. i hate how rushed and urgent everything always is. i hate how little energy i have. i think i might try cleaning up a little today. going to seatown tomorrow night to take care of f. gonna wash wool with bg in the morning though. god i am really feeling terrible this morning.

[seventeenlovesthree]

Okay, where do I even begin to describe what yesterday did to me? Following all the character descriptions that mentioned these two specifically to be “extremely” busy, I initally assumed that they’d be busy in university related stuff. Thanks to the trailer/other video material, I was proven wrong - and yet, I couldn’t have been more thrilled about it.

So what do we know? A giant digiegg appeared in the sky for approximately the twentieth time by now. And thanks to Takeru, we know that Koushirou has apparently been, once again, suffering from a severe lack of sleep, obviously being very invested in political affairs, explaining and managing the whole issue to the public. And it’s not only him - Taichi is there too, and, according to Hikari, being so stressed that he actively scolded her for calling him while he was busy. Quite the unusual behaviour for the Yagami brother, as Takeru also puts it himself...

Apart from the fact that I wish Toei would finally let these two get some deserved REST, the implications behind the set-up are pretty intriguing. We’ve been discussing whether or not it makes sense that Taichi (approximately 23/24 years old) is already involved in all the political stuff - since this is taking place in February 2012, just one and a half years after the events of Kizuna (Summer 2010), since he had, apparently, just finalized his thesis idea in Spring 2011 according to the end of the movie, but...

I think it makes sense to some degree - because this seems to be an emergency and they needed an excuse for him and Koushirou to not take up so much screentime during the movie again, soooo... Having Koushirou (approximately 22/23 years old) involved at this level is plausible, since he had been publicly invested in Chosen Children related stuff with the community, his company work, etc all the time. And heck... Knowing what direction Taichi was going towards to career-wise, he WOULD have taken him with him to settle things (while the other Chosen did the fighting part), even if Taichi was still in training. 

Because that’s what they are - partners in crime, always have been, always will be. Whether they stop missiles together, save the world(s) or take responsibility on a diplomatic level. And that’s EXACTLY what I wanted for them to happen, for us to actually see them working together due to their linked careers, because, it just makes so much sense.

Also their ties? I was very much delighted by the headcanon that Taichi’s tie is actually Koushirou’s, but the shade seems a bit more yellowish than the orange one Koushirou wore in Kizuna. (That aside, Taichi wearing a blue suit, still loyally rocking his associated colour so persistently, is amazing to me.) And Koushirou’s tie is a reddish-purplish shade, as far as I can tell - but that kind of purple doesn’t seem to be his signature colour. (I really wonder if there is anything but suits in his closet by now, but hey, it works for him.)

Instead, I believe that they represent Agumon and Tentomon respectively - and whether they’re both partnerless in this movie or not... It’d be a great homage. 

That is all just speculation on my behalf and I do assume that we won’t see any more of them in the movie aside from those 3 seconds, but I’m already happy with the (potential) framing. If I could ask for a happy end for the movie though, a scene like this would be very satisfying.

And they were work buddies...

[cheekygreenty]

Familiar - The Darkling x Reader

He was living his worst nightmare. You were in danger because of him. He swore to protect you, to get himself caught in the crossfire if it meant saving you but right now he was useless and you were suffering. He didn't know where you were or who took you from the Palace, the place he said was like a fortress, the safest place in Ravka. You were swiped from right under his nose, most likely roughly and mercilessly and it was all because you loved him.

He never wanted anyone to know of your relationship, you were his most protected and valued secret and he would put his life on the line to keep it that way. But now you were gone and he couldn't bare to look at himself. The promise he made to you was broken and he let you down.

For our love is a ghost that the others can't see

You agreed with it too, knowing that you would immediately become a target if Aleksander introduced you as his. But here you were now, sitting in the back of a moving coach, gagged and handcuffed with a blood and tear stained face.

The ride was more bumpy and painful than it was at the start, having now been on it for at least 4 hours, you knew you were far from home and heading to Fjerda.

The realization hit you as soon as you felt a pair of strong hands at your wrists, holding them apart in the safety of your chambers to prevent you from summoning. The festivities were loud and blocked out your shouts of self-defense and cries for help. That's where Aleksander's protection had run out, right there in your shared rooms.

You cursed yourself as more tears slipped out your eyes, you were a fool who didn't listen to their own advice. Ravka didn't know about you, the Darkling seemingly had no weaknesses until your irrationally tipsy behavior. Tonight's stupid actions would cost you your life.

---------------------

'Enjoying the celebrations?' You held your fourth champagne glass of the night tightly in your hand as you walked up to Aleksander and Ivan. They were all business and no party as the Little Palace roared to life following a day of successful business negotiations. Grisha of all orders let loose and had fun, forgetting the troubles of war as foreign delegations joined in, all in unity for a single night of fun.

The Zemeni were dancing with the Kerch, the Shu were peacefully discussing with the Kaelish, it was a utopia. Your own mind was for once calm, be it the champagne or the vibes you didn't know and didn't care.

'You did a very good job Y/N, I'm impressed.' Ivan gestured to the party and pride filled you. It was stressful and nerve-racking to plan a banquet of this magnitude, but seeing it all accomplished and with no fights made you unbelievably happy.

'Thank you Ivan. Go enjoy yourself, I'm sure Fedyor is looking for you.'

He walked away just as you'd hoped, leaving you and Aleksander alone. You moved a step closer, taking his hand in yours.

'It is magnificent darling, you look magnificent too.' His head dipped as it usually did when he was about to kiss you, but he stopped himself and instead looked around the room, inspecting it to make sure no one was watching him.

'Relax, we're in a large crowd, I highly doubt anyone is paying us any mind.' With the foreign ambassadors here, Aleksander's black attire was balanced out with black tuxedos and suits. He wasn't sticking out anymore, he blended in. You wanted to be with him, and perhaps you could be right now.

'If you say so' Although your words did something to reassure him, his sweet lips were brief on yours. It was a short kiss, but he somehow conveyed his love for you in that quick second before he was back to his usual General persona.

'Alright General Kirigan, I'll go annoy Genya.' You joked and in the process knocked the glass over onto your fine silk kefta. 'Shit'

You didn't miss the look of amusement on his face as you tried to dry the stain with your sleeve. 'Or I'll go and change' you laughed, leaning into his laughing body.

You were certain the moment was intimate and private, that nobody was watching, but a pair of eyes closely watched the scene from afar, mouth open ajar as he found the Darkling's only weakness; You.

--------------

'Moi Soverenyi what is the meaning of all this?' Ivan didn't expect to be dragged out of bed at this hour and see the General's inner circle crowded around his war table in their nightclothes. He thought the banquet went well: nobody fought or got injured or even argued, it was the perfect night so to speak. But the powerful Grisha still dressed in his silk black kefta was restless and panicked.

His hair was disheveled and he looked ready to kill as he stood with his back to everyone, facing the big map of Ravka. The room was silent save for a few yawns and sighs. Nobody knew anything about why they were there but the tension surrounding their commander was hostile and frightening.

'Y/N Y/L/N is missing from Palace grounds. I think she may have been taken.' Ivan stilled, he was the only person in the room who knew of the relationship between his General and you and had grown to like your refreshing presence. He cared for you in a brotherly way and your disappearance ignited a fury in him.

'I need you searching the streets, interrogating the delegates, anything we can to bring her back.' His face was still turned away from them, and Ivan knew he wouldn't turn around.

Aleksander was beside himself with worry and guilt, he was on the verge of tears. You were gone and it was his fault. His mind was swirling with the accusations and the self-hate, but also with memories of you. Your life echoed around the walls of his head, bouncing off of his heart with a shatter.

He wasn't going to wake up tomorrow next to you curled up in his arms. He wasn't going to hear you rant over breakfast. You were gone and it was his fault.

He was trying so hard to devise a plan to find you, to command his Grisha and be a General, but in that moment he was just Aleksander, Y/N's Aleksander. Worry took up his mind and all the commanding bones in his body yearned to have you next to him.

He turned his head briefly to Ivan, who had the same expression on his face that Genya wore when he woke her up searching for Y/N. She was already out in the streets of Os Alta with David, trying their luck with tracking your jewelry.

'We leave in 10 minutes. Every single Grisha in the Second Army will be used if need be.' If you listened closely, you could hear the edge to his voice, a slight pang of heartbreak and anguish. He was trying to hide it, but alas he was only a man.

The Grisha started muttering amongst themselves and Ivan caught a few words of their conversations and couldn't help but let the rage rise in him 'She's not even that good of a soldier.....' 'Who is that?' 'I want to go back to bed....'

'A foreign dignitary had the audacity to kidnap a Grisha after we let them into our home and you speak of going to bed?'

'Ivan.' Fedyor warned him.

'Moi Soverenyi, with all due respect, Y/L/N was simply a teacher to the younger Grisha, not a high-ranking soldier with valuable intel. Should we really assume a kidnapping happened? For all we know it was desertion. Y/N found a good moment to slip out and escaped.'

Every shade of us you fade down to keep

Them in the dark on who we are

The second those words were spoken by Polina, Aleksander's black shadows let loose. They crept up her legs and around her throat, tightening and tightening until air could no longer enter the inferni's lungs. She was petrified, she was simply stating another perspective on the situation but her General's and Ivan's responses told her her opinion was not wanted at all.

Aleksander stopped himself before he killed her. It was his fault, all of it. His Grisha didn't take this seriously because they didn't know who Y/N truly was to him, perhaps a secret ready to be shared, spoke a voice deep in the back of his head, not your voice though. He wouldn't tell anyone anything until he had your approval. If he ever got it.

'Believe me, Y/N was no deserter.'

'10 minutes!' Barked Ivan at the Grisha when none of them moved from their tired trance.

-----

You didn't know Fjerdan fluently but you knew enough to make out the most important words 'We crossed the border', 'Witch', 'let her burn'. It was enough to drown your hope of escaping and coming home to Aleksander and your Grisha.

You never got involved in any war or fighting, simply choosing to teach the young students the basics of summoning. It made you content and happy, whereas war made you anxious and nervous. Your body had only ever known the luxuries of the Little Palace, the feel of a pen or book in your hands. To add to it, your powers were never used in a defensive way only summoned when you taught, so this was a drastic turn of events to say the least.

Being dragged and beaten by the Fjerdans, insulted in a foreign language, and cuffed so the one comfort you had available to you was useless, brought you to your knees despite the initial training you received when you joined the Second-Army. I am no soldier, I am a teacher.

The border had been crossed and you were officially a Fjerdan captive, ready to sit a trail where you would be found guilty and hanged for your gifts. The chances of Aleksander finding you were slim to none as you tried to remember if any clues were left behind at the scene of your kidnapping. The Fjerdans were quick and concise, neat and skilled, leaving no traces of their presence in your chambers.

The back of the carriage yanked open and let in the evening sun, blinding you in the process. You stopped counting the time after the 8th hour passed and your space was still pitch black. The shadows once were a comfort, now they were simply a tool to frighten you even more.

'Let's go, Witch.' A tall man spoke as he grabbed you by the arm, dragging you as if you didn't weigh anything. You complied, not seeing a reason to tire yourself by fighting back. It was pointless and futile.

You were in the middle of nowhere, a field of open green space with patches of snow. Fjerda. You'd never been anywhere near the border even, but the cold wind was whiplash-inducing just as Aleksander once described it.

'I thought I am to face trial.' You had barely spoken a word in fear in the carriage but the suspicion had rousted you to mutter the words.

'You? I'd rather kill you right here' joked the man and his companions laughed along as if what you said was the beginnings of a hilarious joke. 'You are the Demon's vulnerability, we hurt him for revenge' He pushed you to your knees roughly.

This love is gonna be the death of me

It's a danger

'So I am to die in a field?'

'Not before you tell us everything about the Darkling' then a kick to your stomach shut down your senses.

-------

'We are crossing into Fjerda Moi Soverenyi' Ivan shouted over the galloping horses. Not even 2 minutes after the meeting, Fedyor noticed 3 Fjerdan delegates missing from their rooms in the Little Palace and raced to tell his General who was now fiercely riding his black stallion with a fury no one dared to comment on. He had Squallers feeling the air for you, Durasts tracking your jewelry, and Heartrenderers listening to heartbeats as they all made their way up to Fjerda, the enemy country.

As time passed, the fear rose and turned into a strange combination of denial and grief. Aleksander tried to desperately shoo it away, to rid the thought as it came. You were alive. You had to be.

He felt his crew getting restless and tired but he didn't dare slow his pace. His stallion seemed to understand the urgency of the situation and for lack of a better word, legged it as his master requested.

'General, we think we can feel something.' The Durast and Squaller riding right behind him suddenly burst out. 'About 5 miles northeast, I can direct us from there.' The man in the purple kefta bellowed and Aleksander's heart picked up the pace to a deadly rhythm. He was immortal, but he was sure this was going to be the death of him.

---------

It took every ounce of courage and pride to not give in but you hurt all over. Your ribs were cracked, lungs quickly collapsing, your arms and legs unmoving. The only aspect of you that looked normal was your face

'I'll leave it, let him see you dead in a coffin with only your pretty face as a reminder of how disgusting he is, how disgusting all of you are.'

You had told them nothing, not a word, not even a cry of pain to satisfy them. If these were truly your last moments, you wouldn't go down as a traitor. Your eyes closed on their own accord a while ago, your ears stopped listening when you heard the first bone crack in your leg.

You didn't see Aleksander's shadows flood the field, cutting down everything in his path. You didn’t hear the Fjerdans scream out in pain and fear. There was blood everywhere, not just yours as he ran to you.

'HEALERS NOW' you didn't see him, you didn't hear him, but he saw you beaten and dying right in front of him. His hands traced the side of your face lovingly as a small tear escaped his eye. You felt it, his touch on yours and your lip pulled up in the faintest smile you could manage. He was here.

Ivan was next to you in an instant, attempting to quicken your heartbeat, fill your weak lungs with air and keep you alive but his shaking hands were rigid and stiff with fear at the possibility of losing his friend. The other Grisha watched with perplexed faces as they quickly approached, the Healers running for dear life to get to you in time. You were only a teacher in their eyes, not the General's love or the Heartrenderers comrade.

'Y/N you'll be okay, I promise.' Aleksander left a kiss against your forehead, keeping his lips there for as long as he could before the red keftas swarmed around you and fought to save your dwindling life.

And the dark was opening wide, do or die

You registered his touch, his kiss, before the itching took over and the pain slowly lifted. The darkness was back as a comfort and death seemed far away.

The Darkling only had one weakness, one vulnerability, and only one reoccurring nightmare; the death of Y/N Y/L/N and he made sure to let the world know if you ever came to harm, he would kill anyone and anything in his path.

------

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[naughtyneganjdm]

A Compromise - Chapter 10

Summary: After her night with Negan, Y/N finds herself falling fast for him which makes her question all the things she felt before.

Characters: Negan, the reader (OC)

Warnings: Swearing, smut, angst, parental abuse, etc. 

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27834154/chapters/84581761

Notes: Thanks to anyone who reads this for sticking around. I'm sorry real life has been so busy that this has taken me a while. I promise I will have the next chapter up soon!

There wasn’t a lot of things in life that surprised Y/N, but the way that she was feeling right now…that surprised her. After her night with Negan, that’s all she could think about. God, it was incredible. No one had ever gone so out of their way for her like Negan had. With Negan, she felt special. She felt on top of the world and nothing felt like it would bring her down. No one ever accomplished to make her feel that way.

While they were stopped at a red light, Negan’s right hand was settled on her knee and it made her smile. Stretching out her fingers, she curled them around Negan’s and squeezed them tightly within her grasp. Lifting her gaze to Negan, she could see that he was staring over at her. The way he looked at her warmed her heart. There was something in the way that Negan looked at her that made her feel like the only woman in the world. It was a feeling she never knew she craved. All she could keep thinking about was how unbelievable the last day had actually been for her.

It made her sad that they were almost home, but it also made her excited for their future adventures together. Never in her life did she ever think she would feel this way for someone. Being wrapped up so incredibly much by someone would have scared her in the past. Whenever she looked at Negan, her heart fluttered and everything in the world felt right.

There must have been something in the way she was staring at him that gave away she was deep in thought. It made a smirk press in over Negan’s lips and his eyebrows bounced. When he grinned at her, she felt her cheeks flush over and she turned her gaze away from him.

Without saying anything, Negan lifted her up hand up lazily to bring it to his mouth to deposit a faint kiss over the back of it. When her eyes connected with his again, he smiled one of those ridiculously charming smiles. One of those big toothy grins that brought attention to those already so gorgeous dimples. Nothing made her swoon more than those dimples she so often found herself staring at. It was strange how often Negan smiled, but damn it…she loved it. His smiles were contagious.

When Negan gave her a wink, it made her think about the person that she used to be. That part of her was still there and it wanted her to regret her decisions she made with him. It wanted her to think that the emotions and feeling she was having for Negan were wrong, but she didn’t. For so long she had this image of a stereotype of the kind of woman that she needed to be. Constantly in the past, her parents dug in this idea to her that with her career, she couldn’t have love. School and the career came first. It was a constant reminder that had be repeated to her time and time again. It just became a rule for her, but maybe Negan was right. The expectations her parents had for her were unrealistic. They thought that her having a relationship with someone would have her throwing her life away. But with Negan, she didn’t feel like that would ever happen. What was better than having everything she wanted while also having someone who cared for her like Negan did? Wasn’t the best of both worlds a good thing? Even at her best with school, she never felt this happy. With Negan’s support emotionally she felt like she could take on the world while still being happy about it. She genuinely felt that she could achieve greatness with Negan’s help. Now, she didn’t feel alone.

“What’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours? You’re either really deep in thought or…?” Negan tried to read her and she realized that she must have been so lost within herself for him to notice. “You keep staring at me a certain way and it’s making me wonder if something is wrong or I have something in my teeth.”

“No, I just am trying to determine if you are something my conscience came up with in order to make me a happier person or if you’re actually real,” she answered almost in a teasing tone, but often she wondered if this was some kind of daydream she came up with. Negan was too good to be true.

Reaching for her hand, Negan placed it over the center of his chest to let her feel the steady heartbeat beneath her fingertips, “Does that feel real enough for you?”

“I look at you and you are the realest thing I’ve ever had in my whole life,” she explained and her answer made him chuckle. What she just said to Negan, that was something in the past she would have rolled her eyes at hearing. If someone would have said that she would have thought the person saying it was stupid. But being with Negan, she understood it now. How fast she was falling for Negan probably wasn’t good. It was just something she couldn’t help. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around why someone like you would want someone like me.”

“I just do. I think you’re perfect,” Negan insisted trying to keep his attention on the road when he thought of what to say to her. The light turned green and he quiet for a moment, trying to gather his own thoughts. “I’m the one with the baggage. I’m just lucky that you finally decided to give this whole dating thing a chance between the two of us.”

“It’s hard to tell you no. You were so damn persistent and I’m glad that I did do this,” she declared with a proud smile thinking about the night that they shared together. “You…you’re incredible.”

“Is that your way of saying you liked the sex?” Negan teased her with a wrinkle of his nose, giving her a quick glance with his mischievous hazel eyes. A small chuckle fell from her throat and he watched her cheeks flush over.

“Obviously,” she felt him pat her on the thigh before caressing over it. A shuddering breath fell from her throat with the closeness of him and she bit down on her bottom lip. It was insane how fast her body reacted to just a simple touch from Negan. “I guess I should be worried if the sex sucked for you since I’m the one that doesn’t have as much experience.”

“Last night wasn’t about the sex. It was about the two of us trusting each other. It was us connecting on a level that shows we’re open to something more. It was something a little bit more than just sex,” Negan stated with a long sigh and she squeezed tightly to his fingers loving to hear him say something like that. “Last night was beautiful.”  

“Are you saying you made love to me Negan?” she inquired knowing that’s where is sounded like his comment was going. It almost looked like it embarrassed Negan when she asked him that and he sucked in a sharp breath.

“I guess that depends on if me saying that creeps you out or not. If you are open to the idea, yeah, we made love under the stars,” Negan suggested, his right eyebrow arching when he stole a quick glance at her. “If the idea of me making love to you creeps you out, then no…it was just something more than sex.”

“You’re adorable. You know that?” she was in awe of him being nervous while he talked about them making love. When all of this started with Negan, this wasn’t a version of him that she thought she would ever see. She didn’t know why, but their first few interactions made her think their encounters would be like some cheesy porno film. “First you come at me originally acting like this sexual deviant that is going to fuck my brains out and make me hate the day that I met you, but you’re really this gigantic teddy bear that just wants to be loved.”

“Can I at least be a gigantic sexy teddy bear that is really good at sex, but still wants to be loved?” Negan’s face twisted and it made her laugh upon hearing him ask of that. Negan had an image and she could tell that. Negan probably was often that sexually hungry person that she was talking about, but with her it seemed things were different.  

“Yes, you can be my sexy teddy bear,” she agreed to it and Negan’s deep raspy laugh filled the car. “You’re also my extremely sexy sugar daddy.”

“In public I’ll be that, but between the two of us…I’m your teddy bear,” Negan winked as he pulled into the driveway to his home. When the car turned off, she glanced over her shoulder to make sure that her parents weren’t there to see them if she got out. Negan’s eyes were hooked on hers noticing the anxious expression over her face. “What happens the day that your parents find out that we’re dating? It’s going to happen eventually. I’m surprised they haven’t noticed you sneaking over here to be with me.”

“I’d rather not think about that right now,” she explained with a frown. “It has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with them. My dad will not handle it very well. Trust me.”

“I think your parents need to stop treating you like a teenager. You are in your final year of undergraduate school. You should be able to date who you want without your parents getting involved,” Negan pointed out and he could see the way she tilted her head to the side. It was obvious in the way she always got nervous at the idea of her parents seeing them together that her parents still scared her. They ran her life for so long that she was just nervous about how they would react to things. “I know your parents have controlled you most of your life, but you’re a big girl. Who you are dating is none of their business.”

“I know, but…” she went to respond and Negan reached out to stroke over the side of her face with his rough fingertips. Drawing her to him, Negan’s lips meshed in over hers and instead of worrying if her parents would see them she kissed Negan back. Parting her lips, she allowed his tongue to brush up against hers and whimpered when he did it.

“Life gets a lot better when you stop worrying about what everyone else will think of you,” Negan slurred against her lips when he pulled away enough to stare into her eyes. “You are your own woman. You’re perfect. You’re beautiful and you are a badass. Anything you put your mind to, I promise you can achieve. You don’t have to worry about them anymore.”

“God, where were you all my life?” she reached up to brush her fingers through Negan’s dark hair. If she had someone like him in her life before, she knew without a doubt that she would have had more confidence in herself. Her parents were always in the back of her mind, but if she would have met Negan sooner maybe a lot of the negative emotions she was going through right now would have never existed.

“Come on baby, I’m hungry,” Negan deposited a quick kiss over her lips before getting out of the car. Quickly, Negan moved around the car to help her out before leading her toward the house. When Negan got through the door, she pushed him into the house and then slammed him against the wall. A grunt fell from Negan’s throat when he felt her pulling at the belt in his pants. “What are you doing?”

“I still never got to give you that blowjob that you won in the game of laser tag,” she reminded him and an amused smirk pressed in over Negan’s features. With an arrogant bob of his head, Negan reached for her hands and he shook his head. A hushing sound fell from his lips when she gave him a frown. “What now?”

“I don’t want us to be one of those couples. I don’t want us to just have sex all the time,” Negan answered her with a loud sigh. “We’ll still have sex, but I want us to be more than this Y/N. Plus, I told you. I’m hungry.”

“You’re still holding that sex over me, huh?” she bawled up the material of Negan’s shirt at the center of his chest and let out a disappointed breath. Shaking his head, Negan kept his hazel eyes locked on hers and smiled. “Here I was thinking that was all over now that we were together.”

“I’m still going to pamper my beautiful girl,” Negan curled his finger in underneath her chin to lift her gaze to his. Tipping down, he teased his lips over hers and a wicked smile pressed over his handsome features. “I just want to make things special because you deserve nothing, but the best.”

“Which is you. You’re the best,” she tipped up on her toes to bring their lips together so they could kiss. Negan hummed in approval before brushing her hair back behind her ear. “But I guess I can honor your wishes and keep my hands to myself for now.”

“Good girl,” Negan snickered, reaching for her hand to lead her toward the kitchen. “I’m thinking I want waffles this morning. What do you think?”

“Sounds good,” she followed him into the kitchen while he made her sit down so he could pamper her and make her breakfast.

It was hard not to stare and admire him while he went out of his way for her. No one would ever go this above and beyond for her. So the fact that Negan did really surprised her. It was something that was easy to get used to, but it wasn’t something that she expected. After sleeping with Negan, she knew she was falling and potentially too fast.

After they slept together, she had automatically assumed that things would have been strange between them, but it really wasn’t. Negan was exactly the same and that was a good thing. He was very sweet, caring and like he was before. Instead of being distanced, which she pictured could have happened, he wasn’t. There was a fear that she would have felt uncomfortable about their relationship, but she didn’t. She just felt more in awe of him which surprised her all the more.

When she had lost her virginity before Negan, she was repulsed with herself for having sex and hated the person that she did it with. After sleeping with Negan, she felt closer to him and didn’t hate that it didn’t bother her. Things were moving fast between them, but it felt right.

They had their breakfast and afterwards shared a shower together, but Negan stood his ground when it came to the no sex. She was allowed to touch Negan, but it was hard not wanting to be with Negan. Being with him felt good. The attention he gave her and the passion they shared together felt better than anything she had ever experienced.

While she wanted to have sex again with Negan, she also enjoyed just getting to spend time with him. With most people she found herself bored being around them. Maybe that made her an asshole, but she didn’t care. A lot of people didn’t keep her interest. With him, it was easy to be able to enjoy being with him. Getting to learn more about his past and him in general appealed to her.

Their day just consisted of them doing random odds and ends together. They just relaxed. They watched television. They talked about their lives. Had dinner and at the end of the night they were headed to bed together. Before they could finish getting ready for bed though, Negan had gotten a call from Sam who wanted to talk to him before going to sleep.

Negan was sitting on the corner of the bed talking with Sam and Y/N sat watching the way Negan reacted to talking to his niece. She got a kick out of the fact that her boyfriend’s best friend was his twelve-year-old niece. Sam had called when they were getting ready for bed, so Negan didn’t get to change into pajamas, but Y/N had. This was something special about Negan. His niece meant everything to him and she loved that about him.

“I’m not lying to you,” Negan snickered, giving Y/N a glance over his shoulder and he made a dramatic expression. “She told me herself that she liked the whole thing. You weren’t wrong in suggesting taking her to the place. Why would I lie to you? We went on the air balloon after and then laid under the stars the rest of the night.”

When Negan laughed, Y/N was charmed with the whole interaction. The fact he would talk about her to his niece really touched her heart. Considering his niece was very special to him and she knew that his family knowing about her was a big deal.

“Yes dear,” Negan pulled the phone from his ear and held it out toward Y/N. Her eyes surveyed the phone wondering what Negan wanted. “She doesn’t believe me, so she wants to talk to you herself. I don’t get why she thinks I would lie about something like that, but…”

Once she grabbed the phone from Negan, he dramatically threw his hands up in the air with a shrug and headed for his dresser to pull out some pajama pants. When he headed toward the bathroom, her eyes followed his movements. Talking to Sam was a bit daunting, but she wasn’t about to say no considering who it was.

“Hello?” she found herself stretching out to watch Negan further while he pulled his shirt from his body and her throat went dry watching him.

“Holy shit, you really are there!” Sam’s amused voice filled the other side of the phone and it made Y/N laugh hearing it. “I don’t know why, I just kind of felt like he might have been lying to me so that way I didn’t feel bad for him.”

“Why would he do that?” she questioned, her nose wrinkling when she turned her attention away from the bathroom when she heard Sam say that.

“I worry him about him being alone and sometimes I just thought he was telling me things to make me not worry as much about him. Things weren’t exactly the best for him after Aunt Lucille died, so to hear that you two are having fun and super happy just…I don’t know, I guess it makes me happy,” Sam explained and it made a warmth flood Y/N’s chest when she thought about what Negan’s niece was saying. “It’s the first time I’ve heard him sound happy in a long time. So, thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me kiddo. I should be thanking you,” she proclaimed seeing that Negan moved to the door to watch her while he brushed his teeth. He was leaning against the door shirtless and in his pajama pants while she talked to Sam. “It was apparently your idea to go to that place we went first and that was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.”

“Even after playing laser tag?” Sam teased making Y/N chuckle when she thought back to how seriously Negan took the game. “He gets kind of intense about that whole game. Try having him take you and your friends to play laser tag. At this point, I just always say it’s going to be me and him against everyone. Most of my friends will laugh because they think they are going to kill us. They don’t realize he's my secret weapon. After we absolutely crush them, they never want to play again with us.”

“Yeah, he is a bit of laser tag pro,” she admitted hearing Negan snort before heading back into the bathroom to continue to brush his teeth, “but I had a lot of fun with it. I can’t recall the last time that I had as much fun with anyone compared to the fun I’ve had with Negan.”

“That makes me happy to hear,” Sam admitted with a tired yawn and it made Y/N smirk. Taking a glance at the time, she knew it was late and wondered how late Sam’s mothers allowed her to be up. “I heard you weren’t a fan of the air balloon, but you liked the laying under the stars together?”

“The idea of falling out of the air balloon terrified me, yes,” Y/N recalled and it made Sam giggle on the other end. “I just kept picturing myself as a pancake and yeah, that was not my bravest moment. I tell you that. But the night under the stars was very romantic and I enjoyed it a lot.”

“It sounds romantic,” Sam confessed with another yawn and Y/N heard on the other end of the phone what she assumed to be one of Sam’s mothers urging her to go to sleep. Sam grumbled and obviously didn’t like being told what to do. “So when am I going to spend some time with the two of you again?”

“Well, I’m comfortable with you coming over any time you want. I think Negan and I will be spending more time together and I would have so much more fun going to the place we did with you I think,” she stated knowing that she had told Negan the same thing the day before, but it was true. “I think you would be able to probably help me when it came to the whole laser tag thing. Us girls against him.”

“Yeah, we’d like to think so, but he’d still kill us,” Sam giggled making Y/N laugh when Sam said it the way she did. Again one of Sam’s mothers was yelling at her to go to bed. Sam called out something and then came back to the phone. “But I would love to do that with the two of you! It was nice talking to you Y/N, but would you be okay with giving Negan the phone back? I have to say goodnight before I get grounded for being up too late on the phone. My mom is having a freak attack.”

“Sure thing kiddo. It was nice talking with you,” Y/N snapped her fingers to get Negan’s attention when he finished up brushing his teeth. “Sam wants to say goodnight. Her mom wants her off the phone or she’s going to get in trouble.”

“That would be Jane,” Negan informed her with a grunt and a roll of his eyes. When Negan said the name, she recalled all the information Sam fed her when she was here the first time. Elaina was Lucille’s sister and she was the calm on. Jane was the uptight mother that they spoke about. When Negan accepted the phone, she got comfortable in the bed and watched Negan pace. “Goodnight kiddo. I love you. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye honey.”

When he hung up, he turned to face Y/N and he could see the way that she was staring at him with a smirk, “What?”

“The two of you are just cute,” she insisted and cuddled her head in closer to the pillow. Negan turned the lights off and crawled in over her on the bed. Reaching for her wrists, Negan pinned them down beside her head while he hooked his fingers with hers. “I just think it’s charming you are like this tattooed, badass looking guy and your best friend is a twelve-year-old.”

“Well, that’s your first mistake. Sam is quite the badass herself. I wouldn’t fuck with that little girl,” Negan warned with a playfulness in his tone while he smiled down at her. Hovering his lips over hers, Negan teased her with the hints of a kiss, but didn’t allow her one. “I’m not embarrassed to have a twelve-year-old be my best friend.”

“You shouldn’t be, it’s adorable,” she lifted up to try and kiss Negan, but he pulled back enough to let out a snort when she whined. “The two of you together are something people wish they could have with their own kids.”

“Right,” Negan’s smile slowly faded and he swallowed down hard before biting into his bottom lip. “So you haven’t had any changes in your decisions with dating me? I was kind of waiting the first forty-eight hours to make sure you didn’t have a panic attack over this whole thing.”

“I should be having a panic attack, but nope,” she noticed that Negan allowed one of her hands to be released and she reached up to trace her fingers over the side of his masculine face. “I’m very much happy with the decision that I made.”

“Me too,” Negan slurred, finally lowering down to delicately trace his lips over hers. It caused her to shudder and over time the kiss got more passionate. Hooking her fingers into Negan’s hair, she felt him getting more comfortable over her and his tired eyes looked her over when they finally parted. “You’re beautiful.”

“Thank you,” she gave him a wink and it made him smirk. Peppering a few final kisses over her lips, Negan took his time to stare at her under him. There was something in the way he looked at her that gave her chills. Adjusting his weight, Negan dropped down beside her and wrapped his arm around her waist when she turned onto her side. Grunting, he realized he hadn’t turned off the light that was beside the bed. Lifting up, he outstretched his arm and tugged at the light to get it turned off.

Getting comfortable for bed was so much easier than it was before. Most nights, all it took for her to fall asleep was Negan wrapping her up in his arms and she was out like a light. Being with him she felt comfortable and safe. It felt amazing being wrapped up in his arms, but while she liked this…her mind was other places. Like where they were the night before. Biting into her bottom lip, she thought about what it felt like to have Negan inside of her and making love to her. It was a sensation that she craved again. It was drawing her to have goosebumps just at the thought of it. While she knew that Negan said he didn’t want to focus on sex, she couldn’t help yearning for just another time between them. Being this close to him had her body on fire.

Knowing that she promised to try to keep her hands to herself, she pulled her hips a bit forward. The warmth radiating from his body behind her was definitely having its effects on her. With Negan’s deep breaths filling the air, it was obvious that he had fallen asleep already. Which made her to cuss to herself because she wished he may have been having the same reaction to this that she was. Closing her eyes, she attempted to force herself to think about something different. She counted. Hell, that wasn’t working. Sucking at her bottom lip, she thought of trying to think of school things to help her, but that wasn’t helping either. Nothing was. This wasn’t exactly something she could control.

Oh hell. What was the worst that could happen? Negan could tell her no and then she would be forced to cool it?

Looking over her shoulder, she watched Negan sleeping, but her promiscuous side was getting the best of her. Sliding her hips back, she purposely brushed her bottom in over his groin and hummed to herself when she did it. Taking things slow at first, she took her time rocking her bottom over him. Watching his reactions over her shoulder while he slept was turning her on all the more. Originally, she wondered if Negan was even going to wake up. He wasn’t lying when he told her that he was tired. Yet, his body was reacting to her movements. The sound of his breathing hitched and she felt him tense up behind her when he finally woke up.

Instead of fighting with her, he stayed still and she wondered if he was attempting to pretend that he was still sleeping. Pushing harder back against him, she heard a growl escape his throat and his head lowered down to press a kiss against the side of her neck.

“You are relentless,” Negan slurred while she continued to rub herself up against him. The pressure she was using was much harder than that of what she started with. Sliding his palm in over the side of her hip drew him to moan when she ground back harder against him. “You were going to do this until you got what you wanted. Huh?”

“I’m good like that,” she turned her head so Negan’s lips could brush over hers. With his mouth eagerly covering hers, she knew that she could feel his cock hard against her ass while she took no time in continuing to draw herself back against him.  Cooing into Negan’s mouth when his tongue brushed between her lips, she knew that this was probably a battle she was winning which excited her. Gasping, she felt Negan’s hands tugging roughly at the material of her pajama pants while still keeping her on her side in front of him. The material stuck a bit, but Negan was determined to get them low enough to where he wanted.

“I think you’re very fucking naughty if you ask me,” Negan rumbled, pulling his lips from hers while nipping seductively at her bottom lip. She let him move her where he wanted on the bed. They were both on their sides, facing away from each other, but she was eager to move in whatever way he wanted her. Roughly, he pulled her hips back as close to him as he could. His masculinity was obvious beneath the material of his pajamas as it pressed against her bottom, but that’s not what he was focusing on. His arm curled around her hips, urging one of her thighs up just enough so he could caress his rough fingertips over her clitoris. “I think you need to be punished. Here I am trying to sleep and get some rest. You just won’t allow that, will you?”

“Negan,” she whimpered out his name feeling his fingers tracing the length of her body before thrusting one of his long, slender digits firmly into her body. Her eyes slammed shut when Negan inserted a second. Over and over again he thrust them inside of her, curling his fingers just right to hit the perfect spot. The friction from his palm rubbing over her clitoris was causing her thighs to twitch. Crying out, Negan seemed to nip harder at her jawline and she clutched tightly to his pajama pants. “Negan!”

“Nope,” Negan pulled his fingers away from her body, his thick laughter teasing against the side of her neck when he denied her an orgasm. A whine escaped her throat and he let out a proud sound. “You won’t let me sleep. I won’t let you cum.”

“Please,” she panted, reaching for his hand to try to lead it back toward her core again. “I’m sorry.”

“You like daddy’s long fingers inside of you?” Negan questioned and she immediately nodded. The warmth of his breath against the back of her neck caused her to shudder. A chill ran down her spine and hearing him talk like that sent a flooding warmth to her core. “Say it.”

“I love daddy’s fingers inside of me,” she repeated what he wanted to hear and soon enough his fingers were back inside of her, pumping away. Shuddering when Negan’s warm breath pressed in over her ear, she kept her eyes closed and listened to his loud breathing. Occasionally he would nibble at her earlobe, her jawline, her neck…little places that would drive her absolutely wild while he pleasured her with his fingers.

“Do you like the way that feels baby? Do you like daddy pampering you?” Negan slurred against her earlobe before pressing a teasing kiss over her flesh. “Do you want to cum all over daddy’s fingers?”

“Yes!” she cried out, her head falling back and resting against his collarbone when a flood of warmth filled her body. Reaching down to grasp at Negan’s wrist, she knew that she was desperate. Tensing up, she wanted to chase after the orgasm that he was building up inside of her, but a loud whimper escaped her throat when he pulled his fingers from her again. Negan was working her right up to the point where she was about to cum only to stop. “What the hell Negan?”

“I told you that you were a bad girl that needed to be punished,” Negan reminded her, lifting his fingers up to his lips to look them over. A wicked smirk pressed in over his tired, handsome features before he took the tips of them between his lips. Sucking at them in a seductive manner made her moan just at the sight while she stared back at him over her shoulder. Reaching back, she tugged at his hair to get him closer to her so her mouth could meet his and he hummed against her lips. “Do you want to have that orgasm baby?”

“So bad,” she purred when his tongue swept at the inside of her bottom lip which drew her to shake against him.

“Then you have to work for it,” Negan bucked his hips forward against her bottom and she cried out knowing that her body was already shaking in his arms with him spooning her from behind. “You can do whatever you want, you just can’t leave the position you are in now.”

“I can do whatever I want? That means I can use you in whatever way I please?” she excitedly tried to gather the details. Her response made an amused smirk tug at his lips when she looked over her shoulder at him. Nodding once, she let out a shuddering breath trying to determine how she was going to get things the way she wanted. “I just have to stay on my side?”

“Yes baby girl,” Negan growled, nipping at her jawline when she reached back to grab at his pajama pants. Dipping her hand beneath the waistband, her palm wrapped around Negan’s solid cock and she unhurriedly traced her fingers over his length. When she reached the tip, she felt the precum collecting at the tip and it made her smile. “You like that?”

“You know I do,” she purred with the warmth of his breath at the side of her neck. Releasing his erection, she attempted to pull the material down his hips with her free hand. When she was having trouble, Negan lifted his hips to help her. Getting the material just down below his hips, she bit at her bottom lip while stealing a glance behind her. The length of his masculinity traced over her bottom and she eagerly reached back to grasp at his body again. His thick cock was completely solid. The veins were prominent and she was in awe of him. “You know, you clearly want this just as bad as I do?”

“Oh, he does for sure. Me, I was sleeping,” Negan snicked, nuzzling his nose against the back of her neck when she led the tip of his erection to tease it over her most intimate parts. It drew his eyes to close and he grunted. “Now that I’m awake, of course I want what he wants.”

“I thought so,” she was amused with his reaction, licking at her lips while she traced the head of his cock through her wet folds. “I hope you realize the control you gave me here. Full control of this big guy.”  

“Condom first,” Negan pointed toward the nightstand after opening his eyes and she immediately shook her head. Snapping his fingers, he winced when she continued to tease him over the length of her body. “What do you mean no?”

“You just said I can do what I want with you, but I can’t leave the position I’m in. I want you inside of me like this,” she slurred and Negan’s eyes narrowed, his pupils dilating with desire. The way he was looking at her made chills run down her spine. “Are you going to go back on your own rules?”

“Touché,” Negan grumbled, his tongue clicking against the top of his mouth while keeping his stare locked on hers. “I guess I can’t go back on my word now, can I? What kind of man would that make me?”

Dragging her tongue over her bottom lip, she chuckled before lining up the root to his masculinity with her entrance. Negan’s Adam’s apple bounced in his throat when she pushed her hips back over him making him immediately moan upon her warmth surrounding him. A gasp fell from her throat when she pushed her hips further back over his hard cock taking maybe a little more of him than she was prepared for. She was wet enough, but that didn’t change the fact he was still big.  

“Fuck me…” Negan groaned from behind her and she looked over her shoulder to see that he was glancing down between them to see his length sinking into her. His palm reached down to squeeze at her bottom and she took notice of the way he was breathing. A surprised sound fell from her throat when he swatted playfully at her bottom. “That’s essentially what you’re going to do, right? Fuck yourself with my cock?”

“Yes,” she didn’t have much of a smart remark when Negan’s hand snaked up and around her to caress up underneath her shirt to squeeze at her full breast. He gave her permission, so essentially, that’s exactly what she was going to do. Lifting enough, she helped Negan pull her shirt from her body and the cool air around them caused her to tremor.

It took a minute for her to get accustomed to him. While she wanted to tell herself she could jump right into this, this was still the second time she had slept with Negan and she had to ease herself into things. Get used to the fullness that she was feeling with him inside of her.  

“Do you like the way that tight, wet pussy feels?” she used her dirty talk, making his eyes raise up to her and his lips were agape. The sound of his loud breathing filled the air around them. While the first time was more romantic and was them making love, this was very much a dirtier experience between them. “Much better than it did with that condom, right?”

“You are so fucking naughty,” Negan slurred with a wrinkle of his nose and he pressed his head in closer to her. Adjusting behind her, Negan pressed himself up against her back which led a significant amount of his cock to be buried deep inside of her. “Fuck.”

“Negan,” she reached for his thigh to dig her fingers into the warmth of his flesh. Crying out, she took in the sensation of him filling her and she never realized how much she would actually enjoy it.  Negan bit at her jawline, his growl falling from his throat when her hand caressed down his thigh. There wasn’t much movement between them yet, but just having him inside of her felt amazing. “You feel so good.”

With an uneasiness, she rolled her hips back and took him further into her before pulling her hips forward. The sound that Negan make drew chills to fill her entire body and while she wasn’t exactly sure how to do this right in this positioning, she was finding the way that things felt good for her. Negan wasn’t lying when he told her that she had to work for it. He wasn’t moving other than keeping his hand settled in over her hip while kissing over her jawline.

“Fuck,” Negan grunted when she found a movement that seemed to work for the both of them. Clutching to Negan’s thigh and using her grasp at the side of the bed helped her rock herself over his cock. “Damn baby girl you really want that orgasm, don’t you?”

The smacking of their skin filled the air and Negan’s faint moans were in tune with her cries while she used his body in the best way she could in the position that they were in. Nuzzling his nose against the side of her neck, Negan grunted against her flesh and it made her tremble. She wished the rules weren’t that she had to stay in this position, but she was making the most use of it that she could.

“You really wanted that dick,” Negan chuckled feeling his body tensing up and he looked down to watch her body sink down over his length down to the base and then pull up repeatedly. It was surprising how well she took him with it just being her second time with him. “Fuck…fucking…”

A whine escaped her parted lips when Negan nipped at her sensitive flesh. The warmth from her movements started radiating into her belly and flooded its way out through the rest of her, “please Negan…”

“You’re almost there,” Negan encouraged her noticing that she was shaking while her fingertips dug into his flesh. Noticing that she was slowing down, Negan started bucking his hips forward to meet her thrusts back onto his erection. Each movement had her mewling out in delight until he felt her tight walls contracting around him. When she clearly reached her orgasm, she went to pull her hips away from him in a moment of pure ecstasy, but Negan kept her where she was so he could experience her orgasm around his cock. “There you go…good girl.”

After allowing her a moment to come down from the high of her orgasm, Negan kept her where she was while pampering her with kisses over her neck and over her jawline. A gasp fell from her throat when Negan pulled his body from hers and then pinned her underneath him. A thin layer of sweat covered Negan’s body and his arrogant smile expanded over his features. Negan’s wet hair was in his eyes and a whine fell from her throat when his flesh smacked up against hers. One fluid thrust and he was inside of her completely, filling her to the brim. “One time sleeping with me and you’re already addicted to my cock.”

A crack of a smile tugged at the corners of her lips as Negan reached for her legs to put them over his shoulders. With his rough palms settling in over her bottom, she whimpered when he started thrusting into her again and again. Tossing her head back, she knew that her body was already so sensitive that it wouldn’t take much for Negan to get her to another orgasm. With the friction of his groin smacking up against her clitoris and his thick body stretching her in ways she never felt before, it had her crying out in absolute bliss. Tossing her head back, she reached for Negan’s wrists and wrapped her fingers tightly around them.

“Negan,” she cried out his name, opening her eyes enough to see that Negan was smiling as her body started to shake when he got her to another orgasm in no time. That was the look of a proud man. He knew he caused it and fuck he was cocky, but she loved it. Her second orgasm was intensified and it left her breathless.

Lowering her legs, Negan pressed in over her and she desperately clung to his shoulders. Kissing at the side of his neck, she felt his powerful movements over her and she was surprised just how good this felt with him too. It was definitely something she would have to get used to, but her body liked it and it liked it a lot. Negan was big and she felt it. Especially today. Dragging her right hand up, she sank her fingers into Negan’s hair. The breaths escaping Negan’s throat became more desperate and soon they became pants.

“I’m almost there,” he alerted her, his nose nuzzling against the side of her neck. With his groans vibrating against the side of her neck, she dragged her nails down his back which drew him to wince. Cupping his bottom in her palm, she appreciated the flesh flexing and relaxing beneath her touch while he pounded up against her. “Shit.”

In a hurry, he pulled his hips back to leave her with an empty feeling. The warmth from his release covered her lower abdomen while she clung tightly to him, not ready to let him go. Negan buried his nose against the side of her neck, his loud breathing causing chills to fill her entire body. The room was spinning around her and she felt like she was in a state of euphoria. What Negan had brought her to was absolute bliss. Her heart was pounding away inside of her chest. Everything was tingling and she ached, but God it felt good.  

Negan lowered in over her, cuddling his head against her shoulder while he caught his breath and she found herself stroking her fingers at the bottom of his neck teasing at the short curls of hair that were there, “Thank you.”

Pulling back just enough to look down at her, his nose wrinkled and he laughed, “Did you just thank me?”

“I sure as fuck did,” she confidently answered before tugging his mouth to hers while kissing him enthusiastically. Nibbling at his bottom lip, she took her time to enjoy the warmth of him over her and she shook her head. “I ache, but I feel so good.”

“You’re welcome?” Negan’s right eyebrow arched up and he snickered against her lips. Motioning her to wait, he got up from the bed and reached for the tissues that were on the dresser. When he returned, he sat on the edge of the bed. Taking a look at her abdomen lowering and rising made him smile. Reaching out, he traced his fingers over her ribs and it made her giggle when he did it. “You wiggle too much.”

“Sorry, I’m ticklish,” she apologized and it made Negan smirk. Taking his time, he took a few tissues and cleaned his release from her body. When he was tossing the tissues in the trash beside the bed, she reached out to squeeze her fingers around his thigh. “You didn’t have to pull out, you know.”

Telling him that made him smirk and his eyes looked her over while she was laid out in the center of his bed. Tracing his fingers from her inner hip, up toward her abdomen and between her breasts made a whimper escape her lips. Arching up toward him, she noticed him lowering down and he peppered kisses over her chest.

“I know,” Negan bit down on his bottom lip when he lifted his gaze to her. Getting up, he carefully lowered himself to lay over her in a way where his weight was balanced on his left arm so he wouldn’t hurt her. Resting his head against her shoulder, he couldn’t help but smile when she instinctively wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “It’s hard to read you.”

“What do you mean?” she stroked her fingers through his hair, nestling her head in next to his while he laid over her. With anyone else, she was certain that she would have felt claustrophobic, but with Negan she actually enjoyed this close contact with him.

“I mean, I want to be the man that wants to make love to you and be romantic with you,” Negan began with a long, dramatic sigh. Pausing to take a minute, he faintly kissed over her collarbone and traced his rough fingertips over her chest. “While I think you like that, I also think you would rather me be dirty with you.”

“I’m okay with a bit of both,” she blurt out with a snicker before leaning in to press a kiss over the top of his head. “Hey, you originally sold me on the whole dominant relationship with you here. You can’t blame me for being the slightest bit interested.”

“And what do you prefer?” Negan lifted his head, his right eyebrow raising to try and read her reaction to his question.

“It depends on the moment,” she palmed in over the side of his rough face, admiring him even more when he leaned into her touch. “I think both were great and depending on what’s going on, I’ll happily take either one.”

“So it’s all about reading a situation, huh?” Negan teased her with a smirk and lowered his head back down to cuddle it in over her. “I guess you’re always going to keep me on my toes then. Has this at all let you down in any way?”

“Sleeping with you?” she questioned and he nodded which made her laugh. “Negan, you have no idea how much I’ve liked it. The first time I slept with someone I didn’t understand why people liked it or wanted to do it. With you, I get it. Yeah, I ache, but it’s worth it. Plus…this…”

“What?” his voice vibrated against her skin while he kissed over her chest.

“Being in your arms. The way you look at me and touch me,” she brushed Negan’s hair back behind his ear. Her heart was still hammering inside of her chest. Nothing had ever enamored her like this had. She looked forward to every moment with Negan and she could never recall feeling that way about anything in her life. “It’s the most incredible, addictive feeling I’ve ever had in my life.”

Without a word, Negan lifted his head and stared out at her with surprise. The way his eyes narrowed made her nervous, but unhurriedly a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Stretching out, his lips met hers in a delicate caress and her comment seemed to make him happy to hear. Kissing him was remarkable and absolutely took her breath away.

“Well I’m glad you feel that way,” Negan hummed against her lips, nibbling gently at her bottom lip, “because I feel the same way about you and I’m eager to do whatever I can to keep you in my life.”

“As if you have to try,” she cupped his squared jaw in her palms and eyed him over. “You’re perfection. I’m lucky that you even looked twice at me Negan. Someone would be crazy to let you slip through their fingers. You’re everything someone could want and more.”

Negan cuddled his head in next to hers and she felt on top of the world being with him. Negan was gorgeous. He was good with kids. He was fun. He was romantic. There were so many layers to him and she was excited that he was allowing her to get to discover them. For the first time in her life, with Negan she felt at ease at nights. Her fears no longer ruled her thoughts. Often, she would worry about tomorrow and the future, but with Negan, all she cared about was what was happening in the moment.

It was incredible how fast time flew with Negan. In the past, days were boring and long. There was always a fear of her future but getting to spend her time with Negan was phenomenal. She looked forward to it. Being with Negan changed her in a lot of good ways. Instead of being worried and scared all the time she actually looked forward to her days. Yeah, the thought of that schoolboard meeting that was scheduled was always on her mind, but that wasn’t the only thing for her anymore.

Over the next couple of weeks, they spent every moment together when he wasn’t working. Even when he was working, she found herself lounging around his home working on things for herself. There was no need for her to really go home to her parents. Of course she would stop by here and there to let her parents know that she wasn’t dead, but she had everything she needed at Negan’s home.

Y/N and Negan really didn’t have a lot of sex because there was never enough time in the day to get it all in. Actually, a lot of their time was spent with Sam. Multiple times Sam came over to hang out with them and it was really nice getting to spend time with her when things weren’t so tense. Together, she had a lot of fun with Sam. Negan’s niece was a good kid and reminded Y/N a lot of herself when she was younger. She wished she would have had a family like Sam because then she may have had a bit of happiness in her life. Sam was very loved and Y/N was very appreciative that Sam was including her in this life.

On this specific day, Y/N woke up in Negan’s bed feeling joyful. The night before they had just curled up and watched movies together before falling asleep. It was the simple things in life that appealed to her, but these were moments that she would have never found herself doing before dating Negan. Dating life scared the hell out of her in the past, but with Negan she found herself getting very comfortable with it. Negan had to go to work today and she didn’t often get up when he did. Instead, she would sleep in and get a little bit more rest. It was her phone vibrating on the nightstand that had woken her. Reaching out, she grabbed a hold of it to see that Negan had texted her to let her know that he left his wallet on the counter in the kitchen. Tonight, he was supposed to go out with a friend from work which meant he was going to need it. So he asked her to bring it to him while he was working.

Getting up was hard, but at the same time, she was excited at the idea of getting to see Negan at work. When she got up, she took a quick shower and then went to grab his wallet. The movement was quick and she ended up dropping it on the floor to have it flip open on the floor. Kneeling down she reached for it to see the photo that it had opened to was Lucille and Negan together. Stroking her thumb over the picture, she felt her throat go dry knowing that Negan’s late wife wasn’t something she often thought about. Maybe it should have been though since she was still his first picture in his wallet and he still wore his wedding ring, even this far into their relationship. Flipping to the next set of pictures she could see that he had multiple photos of Sam in his wallet. There was also a few random photos, but when she fell upon a photo of Negan with a very obviously sick Lucille, she felt her heart ache.

At this point, she knew a lot about Negan’s relationship with Lucille and his past, but she still didn’t know when Lucille died. How long ago had it been? Negan was very open about things before Lucille got sick, but he wasn’t exceedingly open about after she was diagnosed. Looking at the last photo in his wallet, she noticed that it was a photo of her with Negan and it made her smirk. Clearly Negan had a photo from his phone printed out to put in there and it charmed her. They were not even a month into their dating and she was already in his wallet?

Taking notice that something was sticking out, she reached for it to see that it was the photo strip that they had done with Sam at the mall the other day. Sam was sitting between the two of them and she found herself enchanted that Negan had kept it in his wallet. It was a fun day that they shared and the silly expressions in the pictures they took made her smile. Instead of spying any further on his personal items, she closed his wallet back up and headed to his work. The one thing his wallet made her realize is that she had so many unanswered questions that were still there about Lucille. Ones that she knew she would have to approach with caution, but her curiosity was getting the best of her and she knew that.

When she got to Negan’s work, she parked in the lot that Negan directed her to do. He told her to walk around the school to come and give him his wallet on the baseball diamond that they had. Part of her was nervous about approaching him at the school. She remembered how strict her school was about people visiting and it made her worry if she was going to get tackled just for being here without announcing herself. It was hard not looking over her shoulder every second just to make sure the security at the school didn’t go crazy on her just for being on the premises.

As she started approaching the baseball diamond, she saw that Negan was out in the middle of it talking to a few of the students. The rest of them were spread out all around except for the few that were surrounding him. When a few of the students noticed her approaching first, Negan looked over his shoulder and smiled when he saw her stepping in beside the gate that was near the dugout. Swallowing down hard, she knew this was the first time she had ever seen him working. He was wearing a baseball cap, a white t-shirt and athletic pants that made her bite at her bottom lip. If Negan would have been her gym teacher when she was in high school, she was certain that she would have been in trouble because she would have wanted to be in his class twenty-four-seven.

After a second, Negan turned toward her and started running toward where she was standing. As he approached, he slowed down and his smile expanded over his handsome features. It was one that immediately drew her attention to his gorgeous dimples. That was always something that won her over with Negan. All he had to do was smile and she had butterflies in her stomach.

“Hello gorgeous,” Negan approached her, outstretching his hands to settle them in over her sides. Surprised with his forward movements, she was tense as he lowered down to her to brush his lips over hers. Worried that he would get in trouble for kissing her, she had trouble kissing him back. But he didn’t seem worried which soon relaxed her. Curling her fingers around the back of his neck, she kissed him back and heard Negan growl when he pulled away. One of the students whistled which made Negan throw his middle finger up when they did it. Immediately she felt a laugh fall from her throat and a few of his students laughed. “I’m sorry you had to come here and put up with these little shits.”

“I’m not, it was nice getting to see you in this get up. Why don’t you wear those pants more often?” she whispered quiet enough so the kids in his class couldn’t hear them. When she said that, Negan’s head lowered and a wicked grin spread out over his handsome features. “Those are…nice.”

“You like them?” Negan sucked at his bottom lip and arched his right eyebrow in curiosity. “I’ll have to wear them for you at home then.”

“Are you wearing anything underneath?” she stepped close enough to him making an amused sound fall from Negan’s throat. Negan’s head did a cocky bob and he looked back over his shoulder to make sure the students weren’t paying attention to them.

“You’re naughty, you know that?” Negan slurred when she reached for his wallet to pull it from her bag. She lifted it enough for Negan to grab it and slide it into his pocket. “So…what are you going to do tonight?”

“What? You need to know where I’m at all times?” she teased him, reaching up to circle her fingers in over the center of his chest and Negan’s hazel eyes narrowed at her when she said it. With a tilt of his head, he smirked.

“Trust me baby, I’d much rather be home with you,” Negan reached up to wrap his fingers around her wrist. Something changed in Negan’s face and he lowered his stare from her. What was that? It was like a switch and she didn’t know how to read that. “This is just something…something one of my friends here wanted to do. I kind of couldn’t get out of it.”

“I understand,” she watched him take off his baseball cap to brush his fingers through his hair to slick it back. Noticing that his attitude seemed to change a bit, she lifted her hand to swipe her thumb in over the curve of his chiseled jaw. “I figured since I’ve kind of ditched my parents completely since I started dating you, that I would have dinner with them tonight. I guess my mom is making my favorite.”

“Aw, they missed you,” Negan winked at her, reaching out to loosely wrap his arms around her waist again. When he leaned in to kiss her, she pulled away and let out a nervous sound. “What?”

“Your entire class is watching the two of us,” she alerted him, noticing over his shoulder that every single one of his students was staring at the two of them together. When Negan looked over his shoulder most of them immediately looked away.

“You nosey little shits,” Negan called out with a laugh and he threw his hand up in the air. “Run the bases while I’m busy. Do something!”

“You can talk to them like that?” she was amused to see the students do what Negan told them. When he turned back to her, his nose was wrinkled and he was laughing. “You would think you would get in trouble talking to them like that.”

“Ah, no. We are chill. They know I’m a sarcastic shit and they give it back for the most part,” Negan informed her with a shake of his head when he leaned back in to pepper kisses over her lips making her laugh when he pulled her playfully in closer to his chest. “I hope you enjoy your time tonight with your parents. Are you going to stay over there tonight or are you coming back to my place after dinner?”

“Are you kidding me? Sleep in my cold lonely bed or sleep with your arms around me?” she acted like it was a hard decision and Negan snorted when she was being dramatic.

“You’ve been with me every day since we started dating. I didn’t know if you would eventually want alone time. I don’t have a problem with you in bed with me tonight though,” Negan insisted with a loud sigh and he pressed a loving kiss over her cheek. “I’m glad it’s Friday so I can sleep in tomorrow. It will be nice to have a break.”

“Getting to sleep in with you in the mornings is one of my favorite things,” she alerted him with a hum and tipped up to kiss him again which led to a few of the students letting out teasing sounds. “You better get back to work.”

“I’ll see you tonight,” Negan rolled his eyes at his students’ reaction to them kissing and stepped back away from her. “Thank you for bringing this to me. I’d be lost without you.”

“You know it,” she winked and watched him run back to the students where one of them started hackling Negan about his girlfriend. It made her laugh, but she knew she needed to leave before someone picked up on her being there.

Stealing one final glance, she enjoyed the sights of him interacting with the students. Negan was good with kids. Even if he was being a smartass with them.

Heading back to her car, she decided to go home to Negan’s. For a while she stayed at Negan’s place, but knew when it started getting toward the time she was supposed to go back home with her parents that she should head over to help her mother make the dinner.

When she showed up, her mother welcomed her with a big hug and it was nice to see that she was missed at least. Y/N had always thought that she could just disappear and her parents would never give a shit at the end of the day. Her mother alerted her to the fact that her father was working on something, but would join them when dinner was ready.

Going straight to helping her mother with dinner, they were rather quiet. There wasn’t much to talk about that she could freely do since she was dating Negan. So if her mother wanted to talk, Y/N would let her, but she wasn’t going to freely open up about details going on in her personal life.

Dinner was surprisingly quiet because her father didn’t say much. They just talked about random odds and ends. When they finished with dinner, her father said he would do the dishes since they had cooked the dinner. As her father left the room, Y/N could see that her mother was staring out at her. It was what she would consider a judgmental stare and it made Y/N look down to make sure that she didn’t spill anything on her during the meal, “What is it?”

“So, who is the guy?” her mother finally questioned after leaving her hanging after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence. Immediately, a warmth flushed into her cheeks and she looked away from her mother. “You were always here. Then you got this job and I can only assume you’ve met a boy. You actually look happy. It’s something I haven’t seen in a very long time. Usually you’re really tense. Today, I think I’ve seen you smile more than I’ve seen you smile before.”

“Wow,” she hesitantly laughed hating that her mother was so observant and sadly knew that there was a man in her life. Did she really give off that big of a vibe to other people? The old her would have been mad at the idea that she looked happier because of a man, but it was true. It was all due to Negan that she was like this and she knew it. “He’s a really good guy.”

“So it is a boyfriend?” her mother’s eyebrow arched and Y/N couldn’t help the smile that tugged at her lips and she nodded. She knew deep down that she had to keep things somewhat a secret now because of the fact that it was Negan that she was dating. “What’s he like?”

“I don’t know how to describe him,” she thought for a moment letting out a long sigh. “He’s the sweetest, most caring man I’ve ever met. He’s funny, charming, handsome…all of the best details you could put into a man. I’ve never…felt like this before and it’s because of him. I’ve never met someone who has encouraged me to be the best version of myself while also being happy. He’s perfect. Everything I could have dreamt of and more.”

“Wow, it sounds like you’re in love already,” her mother snickered, reaching out to place her hand over Y/N’s and it made Y/N’s heart flutter inside of her chest. Pulling her hand back, she didn’t know if it was too soon to be using a word like that. Love. That was a big word. “When will we get to meet him?”

“I don’t know mom. It’s kind of fast,” she reasoned with her mother and she swallowed down hard. “I’m still trying to determine if this a permanent thing. I mean, I consider him my boyfriend and I love every moment I’ve spent with him.”

“It sounds like a dream come true to me,” her mother pointed out and it made Y/N laugh before lowering her head. Negan was a dream come true. Fuck, being with him scared the shit out of her because she couldn’t believe the ways that Negan made her feel.

“He is pretty dreamy. I hate to admit it mom, but this man has proven to me that everything I thought about dating is bullshit. In the short time we’ve been together, I’m not sure anyone knows me better than he does. He wants to know who I am. He wants to help me become a better version of me. He pampers me, he takes cares of me, he is the sweetest man you would ever meet,” she continued to swoon about Negan knowing that even tonight she was disappointed that she wasn’t with him. “In his arms I feel safer than I have my entire life. I used to worry every day about my future. With him in my life, I’m not so much worried about it anymore. He gives me confidence that everything is going to be okay.”

“What does he look like?” her mother urged her further into details and it made Y/N uncomfortable, but she knew that she could be vague.

“I’m going to be honest with you mom, he’s older than me,” she admitted knowing that Negan was a bit older than her in general so she was sure that her mother would have been uncomfortable with that if she stressed the age difference. “He’s just…perfect. He’s tall, slender, hazel eyes, dark hair, gorgeous dimples…he has tattoos.”

“We might want to keep your dad from that information for a while,” her mother teased her with a smirk looking toward the area of the kitchen. It made Y/N more at ease to know that her mother wasn’t being so stressed about the idea of her having a boyfriend in her life. “I’m going to take it the two of you are having sex?”

“Mom!” she blurt out feeling an overwhelming sense of dread when her mother said that out loud. Lowering her head, she buried it in her palm and shook her head. “That is really not something I want to be talking about with you.”

“So that’s a yes,” her mother reasoned making Y/N groan out with displeasure. In her opinion, there was nothing worse than getting your parents involved in your sex life. That was the last person she wanted to talk about sex with Negan to. “All that I ask for you is to be careful. I want you to be happy, but I also want you to still have the future we always talked about. I don’t want you stuck in a situation where you are unhappy, pregnant and have no means to helping yourself.”

There was an uncomfortable silence that filled the air after she said that and Y/N wondered if that was how her mother felt being stuck with her father. There was that air of curiosity that got to her, but also the fear of hearing the answer to that. Because then there was the idea that her mother didn’t want to have her in the first place and getting pregnant with Y/N is what forced her mother to stay with her father. That was something she had never heard from her mother before, so it definitely shocked her.

“We’re careful,” she assured her mother and she shrugged her shoulders, letting out a long sigh. “If it puts your mind at ease, we haven’t slept together more than a couple of times since we’ve been together. I find that we spend more time hanging out together and enjoying each other’s time than we do being sexual.”

“Does that mean he’s not good?” her mother definitely went too far with her question and it made Y/N snort with disbelief. “I’m just saying, some men you love and you are willing to look over the fact that they aren’t very good in bed.”

“No, he’s perfect in the bedroom. He’s just romantic, very romantic. He wants to make me feel special and he wants our relationship to mean something,” she explained with a loud sigh knowing that she would have loved to have had more sex with Negan in the time they had been together, but Negan always wanted each moment to be good for her. “I know this is going to sound weird mom, but he really just wants to focus on what makes me happy. He wants me to feel pampered and like I’m the only woman in the world for him.”

“Then why the fuck are you so nervous about him?” her mother swatted the table after hearing that and it made her laugh. She had never realized that there was this side to her mother and she liked it. Why had she never seen it before? “I like hearing that you have a healthy relationship with someone. That’s all you ever really want for your child. For them to do better than you. Find someone that makes them happy and wants you to succeed in life.”

“I have confidence that he is just that,” she reached out to place her hand over her mother’s and she squeezed over it firmly. Thinking about Negan made her realize that obviously her mother had met him already and she was already swooning over Negan in the past. “Trust me, I guarantee you that you would really like him. I know he’s the kind of guy that would just warm your heart.”

“So that’s what you’ve been wasting your time doing?” the sound of her father’s voice pulled her attention from her mother and it made her jump. Shifting uncomfortably in her chair, Y/N lowered her gaze and her father scoffed. “Here I was thinking that you were actually taking things seriously after fucking yourself out of school.”

“I have my meeting with the schoolboard soon,” she informed her father with a shrug of her shoulders and she let out a shuddering breath. “I’m prepared for what is coming. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I do actually. I thought I taught you better than this,” her father shamed her from where he was standing, his arms folded out in front of his chest and he looked absolutely disgusted with her. “We talked about the career. The career always came first because as soon as you focused on a relationship you were going to forget all about your future. People get blinded by fucking love and as soon as they are, they forget everything about their future and their potential. You already put yourself one step in the grave because of what you did with your professor and now you just laid yourself completely in after all of this.”

“I think you would be surprised,” she attempted to defend herself knowing that Negan had already helped her a lot as it was and he wasn’t the kind of person that wanted to hold her back from her dreams.

“What I’m surprised with is how disappointing you turned out to be,” her father snarled and she felt her heart sink when her father said that to her. For most of her life she had looked up to her father and he was the person that she had tried to get the acceptance from the longest. He was the one that urged her into doing law because she wanted to be like him when she was little. So to hear him say that broke her. “I thought I raised you right…”

“You did raise me right,” she stammered with a confused expression. “I’ve always done everything right. I worked harder than anyone. I graduated at the top of my class in high school. I worked my ass off on the first few years of college, but I stood up for myself with my professor. I did what I had to in order to protect myself dad. He tried to assault me. Would you have rather me just lay there and take what he did? I have put everything into all my classes. All my grades prove that. What he was doing to me was wrong. Altering my grades so that way he could blackmail me into having sex with him.”

“If I heard you correctly from in there, your boyfriend is apparently older than you?” her father repeated her words and it made her eyebrows furrow with fear as to where her father was going with this. “You have no problem dating an older man, but if an older man you’re not attracted to wants to have sex with you, it automatically becomes assault? If the person you are dating now was your professor, you would have fucked him, right?”

“That’s the nastiest thing I’ve ever heard you say,” she frowned not believing the things that came out of her father’s mouth about what happened with her and the professor. “It had nothing to do about attraction dad. It had everything to do with the fact that he was abusing his power over me to make me do what he wanted. Even if he was the most attractive man I have ever seen, I would have never allowed it. I would have still had the same reaction. It had nothing to do with attraction.”

“Right,” her father rolled his eyes and she could tell that he didn’t believe her which hurt her all the more.

“At this point I feel like you would have just rather me sleep with my professor instead of standing up for myself,” she pointed out and her father shrugged making her let out a disgusted breath.

“You’re going around being a slut anyways now,” her father stated with a dark expression, his eyes narrowing out at her. It made her stand up from the table, her heart was pounding inside of her chest and she felt like every part of her was on fire. “You could have at least been a slut and finished school instead of ruining your future and deciding to be a whore afterwards.”

“How am I a slut for dating someone?” she demanded an answer from her father, looking to her mother who was looking down and away. It was obvious that she was embarrassed by her father’s outburst, but her mother was saying nothing. That wasn’t rare. At this point her father could have said anything and her mother wouldn’t defend her even though her mother had seemed okay with everything before. “Wouldn’t I have to be sleeping around in general with everyone and anyone to be a slut?”

“Whatever makes you feel better honey,” her father moved around the table to sit on the corner of it, folding his arms out in front of his chest. “What you should have been doing is groveling. You should have been making up the work you knew that you were going to miss for the rest of this semester. Maybe you should have apologized to the professor. Begged him to forgive you. The schoolboard is not going to accept you back and you are so arrogant to think otherwise. You should have done everything in your power to get back into that school or find something else. Instead, you’re opening your legs to an older man. Sounds like you’ve taken this time to be exactly what I called you.”

“I should have known it would be a mistake coming here tonight,” she went to leave feeling her father grabbing a tight hold of her wrist as she went to leave. The yank he did jerked her back and his fingers had an exceedingly hard squeeze over it. “Let go. You’re hurting me.”

“You are an ungrateful little shit and I taught you better than this,” her father scowled, his eyes darkening while he looked her over. “After everything I have done for you over the years, this is the way you decide to pay me back, huh? All that money wasted.”

“I’m sorry I’m not your perfect image dad,” she snapped back, attempting to pull her wrist back, but he kept his firm grasp on it. “I guess I should have just let my professor rape me so you could be proud of your little girl and the woman she became.”

“You know, you have a really smart mouth and no man is going to be accepting of that little girl,” her father pulled her forward and she felt a nervous breath catch in her throat.

“Just because you’re an abusive shit that doesn’t like a strong woman doesn’t mean that the rest of the world is like you,” she scoffed watching her father’s eyes narrow and a moment later felt the firm smack of his hand across the side of her face. When he did it, her mother finally stood up from where she was seated and stepped forward. Reaching up with her free hand, Y/N felt her chest aching and she finally found the strength to pull her wrist from her father’s grasp. “Wow, not only am I not the person that you thought I was, but you certainly aren’t the man that I thought you were.”

“Y/N,” her mother tried to step forward and Y/N held her hand up to stop her mother from talking to her. “This just got elevated very quickly and I think if you sat down…”

“I’m not going to sit down here with him right now. I’m going out for a while and I’m going to let him cool down because I’m not going to sit here after he just hit me,” she insisted with a firm shake of her head, backstepping away from the table. “He’s not the man that I thought he was…”

“I’m not going to change my mind on how I feel you ungrateful little shit,” her father got up from the table and her mother stood before her father to press her hands into the center of his chest to stop him from moving forward toward Y/N.

“Then I guess I’ll be back later to get my things,” she swallowed down hard, hating to have to say that, but the things that her father said were just so unforgivable that she couldn’t stand to hear any more of it.

Instead of waiting for any other response from her father, she headed for the door and left. There was a sense of surprise that her mother didn’t come after her, but she didn’t know what she expected from her in the first place. While her mother had stepped up when she felt her father was getting too aggressive, she just let her father say those horrible things to Y/N. It was obvious that at this point in her life, her parents no longer accepted her or wanted to support her with her future, so Y/N was done with things. There was no point in trying with them anymore after her father’s outburst and she absolutely hated it.

Walking across the street to Negan’s home, she didn’t even care if they saw her heading that way. Their opinion of her was already skewed anyways so if they already thought she was a slut and a horrible person, who cared what they honestly thought about her being with Negan?

----

Tags: @slutlanna976​​  @nubbinrobin​​ @oreostars​​  @fuckthis-and-fuckthat​​ @jennydehavilland​​ @felicity291​​ @de-gabyconamor​​ @ibelongtonegan​​ @smallsadjellyfish​ @labyrinthofheartagrams​​  @msjamesmarch​​ @thebeautysurrounds​​ @hotfornegan​​ @redmercysugar​​ @caprithebunny​​ @iluvneganandjamie​​ @ninamarietwd @tuttifuckinfruitty​​ @emoryhemsworth​​ @a-girl-interupted​​​ @akumune​​ @stoneyggirl​​ @xsarcasticwriterx​​ @ritajammer21​​ @insertneganhere​​ @haleygreen23​

[natewriteslol]

And There You Stayed

Part 2 of Just You and Me

Summary: Malleus realizes that the dream of Y/N the human is becoming a reality. Will the memories that he created crumble and fade to black just like last time? Or will they follow through, and life will fall into place.

A/N: I know some of you guys were heartbroken so I wrote you a happy ending

Y/N uses they/them pronouns

Warnings: none

Genre: Fluff and just a little bit of angst

tag list: @coffeeleafdepression, @magicpumpkin3, @puddingqueen-writes  

Part 1 of the fic! (ahfkfaad pls read otherwise the fic will just seem weird) 

It was still a week and a couple of days after the dream and Malleus had such a tough time forgetting you. Your touch, scent, smile, they way you laughed. He couldn’t believe that you were a figment of reality, and the horned man just wasn’t the same. Lilia, Silver and Sebek noticed the change in their master’s mood, but they didn’t want to dig and make him uncomfortable. Malleus was sad and way more aloof than usual, it was hard to approach him let alone fix. So, they let their master have his space. 

An organized meeting for the dorm leaders was meant to commence soon, talking about formalities since the school year had just started after all. And despite his melancholy, Malleus knew he had to attend. The meeting was quite boring, no one really talked to him as his frightening demeanor was even more intense when he was in this state. So he had just sat and listened. 

And that was when everything changed, the magic mirror vibrated and lit up. With great blinding light someone flew out of the magic mirror with a scream. It was a cat? Another scream rang out, flying out the magic mirror in the same fashion, except the silhouette looked human.

The beast talked with great blue flames surrounding it’s ears and tail. 

“Who the hell are you?! Get off of me you stupid human!” The voice of the cat said, as the human had toppled over the cat, both laying on the cold dark marble of the floor. 

“A talking cat?!” The human shrieked. 

“Yeah do you have a problem with that, human?” The cat asked angrily, floating in the air. The human had emerged from the darkness. 

It was them, from his dream.  

Every imperfection, every beautiful quality, Malleus had memorized them all. And there they were, right in front of him. 

This had sent him into a state of shock, the fae had just stood there. While everyone had tended to the new resident. Everything he had already predicted was happening. Enrolled as one student with the cat named Grim, placed in the abandoned Ramshackle dorm, defeating the overblotted dorm leaders. 

And your name, Y/N L/N. Flowed perfectly off the tongue. 

The only thing Malleus had gotten wrong, was that you didn’t come on the first day, but rather a few days after. It was insane and Malleus grew afraid. What if everything would fizzle out again? Revealing that it was a fantasy and nothing more. 

Yet something was different about this time. It was that he was experiencing more, different adventures that weren’t revealed in his dream, new conversations that made his love for Y/N grow even more. 

Like the one time he was reading peacefully in the courtyard only to see Y/N and the gang running away from a Giantess Froganza (Giant mutant frog). 

“HI MALLEUS! BYE MALLEUS!” you yelled before starting to scream and run away from the beast. Y/N had still managed to notice him, even in moments of terror. Yet without magic you had saved the day. Like the great hero that you were. 

The dream was a vague prophecy of love given to him. Malleus was hurt yet grateful, to feel insane for days but then given the gift of this human. They were silly, completely out of whack, but they were still so in sync with Malleus. A perfect fit into NRC, like a puzzle piece. 

Lilia had noticed Malleus’ behavior being soothed yet still alert. 

“Malleus, what is going on?” Lilia asked, gazing into his eyes. And that is all it took for him to spill out his secret. He felt embarrassed, thinking that Lilia was going to look at him with two heads. All Malleus’ feelings were out in the open. 

Lilia gave him a smile, “Oh Malleus, but don’t you know?” 

“Know what exactly?” Malleus asked, wanting his guardian to go on. 

“Dear, when faes get older they can earn new powers. Some stay forever, some only stay for a short while like yours,” Lilia answered. 

“And while it wasn’t completely accurate, and didn’t show everything. You had a prophetic vision, they typically happen when there is something of great importance coming. And from what I can tell, Y/N is incredibly important to you,” The elder fae said teasingly, making Malleus a little flustered. Lilia wasn’t wrong but that didn’t mean that he had to say it. Y/N made the horned man nervous undeniably, his heart skipping and his breath hitch whenever they spoke to him. 

“But please, rest easy. There is nothing to fear Malleus,” Lilia said. 

~

Malleus and Y/N were looking at the sunset while sitting on the roof of an ancient building of NRC. He confessed about his prophetic visions, he didn’t want to feel like a fool when around him despite getting reassurance from Lilia. Malleus didn’t tell them about him professing his love to them, he wasn’t ready for that yet. 

“I know it sounds quite unbelievable but-” 

“Malleus, I got chased by a gigantic frog,” they started, taking his hand into theirs. “You are a great and all powerful sorcerer. One of the most powerful people I know! That isn’t unbelievable or weird.” 

“But if something is bothering you, then you can tell me. I’ve got my arms wide open for you.”

~

It was summer, one of the last days to close Y/N’s first year at Night Raven College. The human decided to take a walk with Malleus feeling anxious, but they weren’t really sure what they were feeling apprehensive about. More and more time without being home, the feeling of being done with a school year or wanting to tell Malleus about how they felt. 

Was it a combination of all three? Most likely.

The human had felt a connection with him for a long time, and they didn’t know how long they had to keep it hidden within. So they decided, you know what? I’m gonna confess to this guy! With such great confidence, yet it fizzled around him in seconds.  

His eyes, so bright and mysterious. Of course everyone’s eyes were pretty different from what they’ve seen in the human world, but Y/N could gaze into specifically his all day. His lips, speaking in that beautiful voice with such proper language. The human remembered that one time they poked fun at Malleus with Sebek around. 

“I’m quite a royal, yes I am. The most powerful sorcerer among these humans” they said flamboyantly, closing their eyes and placing a hand on their forehead. 

“Stop making fun of the young master, you ignorant human!” Sebek boomed with anger in his voice. 

“Sebek, my loyal servant, you bark like a dog,” the human said, opening an eye to look at the angry fae. 

“That’s it!-” 

But in the background there came a snicker which emerged into one that was just a little bit louder, yet still soft. 

It was Malleus. Laughing? Admittedly, Sebek was a little jealous of Y/N for being able to make the young master laugh, especially since it was at his expense. But it put happiness in his heart that someone was able to make him happy. Not as a servant, but as a friend. 

 However, the green haired fae was still prepared to strangle you. 

~

The pair sat down on the grass, seeing the lights of fireflies around them. The human took Malleus’ hand into theirs all while staring at the lake in front of them.  

“Child of man” Malleus started, making you turn your attention to him. “When we were on the roof and I talked about my vision, I was not being completely honest.” 

“What do you mean?” you asked. 

“Well, I had left out a minor detail,” 

“We were on the bridge, and I had confessed to you” Malleus finally got out. “When I had finished, you told me to wake up. Everything had gone black and I was woken up by Lilia.”

“I had been very anxious about sharing this moment with you, Child of Man. I’m frightened that everything will fizzle out to black and not be real.” It was silence until, 

“Malleus, I love you-”

“Y/N, I love you-”

They both chuckled from them speaking at the same time. 

“Please go first, Y/N.” 

“Malleus, I really love you, you know. I’ve been crushing on you for so long. And I promise that we’re in reality,” you paused to look at the fae in his eyes. 

“I know you told me that you’re anxious to take on the future, and I’m the same. I don’t know what’s in store or what I’m going to do, but let’s be there for each other,” they finished, placing their palm against his pale face, smiling as you did. 

Malleus put his hand on Y/N’s face as well, pulling them into a deep kiss. And while his vision wasn’t one hundred percent correct, the moment the fae and human had shared was incredibly magical. 

“I have wanted to do that for a long time, Child of Man,” Malleus said, smiling cheekily. And there the pair stayed, conversing under the stars until you had to run from employees who had spotted them both. 

Careless, young and free. But most importantly together. 

As they had both promised each other.

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 28 - This Ain't No Hymn

Masterlist; Chapter 27

Summary: Time is running until Stalsk-12 and whatever awaits you there. You and Neil try to make the best out of what you have left.

Warnings: 18+ (implied and not so implied content); teasing; swearing.

Author's Notes: Gosh that was a long month... and I'm sorry it took ages. But it's here...! And it's over 14k for which I am terribly sorry. This one is my final stall before we kick off the action and I do hope you'll enjoy the absolute crackheadery of whatever goes on. Feedback greatly appreciated, as always!

During the final two days leading up to the battle, you did wonder how life can be at once so wonderful and yet terrifying. It was easy to get used to the new reality, letting Neil stay in your cabin for most of the time and only use his own for those brief periods when he would need a change of clothes. Or when you would be busy dealing with the assigned tasks, and he would get bored (as he proclaimed). Still, there was barely a time when you were not together.

Mornings were undeniably something else. As the remains of Morpheus’ spell wore off, you snuggled the duvet closer to your chest, relishing in the warmth provided by the blanket and the man sleeping beside you. One last heavy sigh before you opened your eyes, squinting in the bright light falling through the porthole. The sun rays aiming directly at your face, causing you to turn onto the side and face Neil. Despite the numerous mornings spent like this, the sight of him never got old. Your eyes slowly swept over his features. The relaxed brow, blonde hair falling over the forehead in complete disarray. Lips slightly parted, letting out quiet snores. You grinned, overwhelmed with love and gratitude. Because this was worth all the heartache and drama. Absolutely priceless.

Scooting a little bit closer, you felt his hand instinctively tighten over your waist. The hold, which has been placed the previous evening, not shifting throughout the whole night. Keeping you secured and warm. Just as if you were always supposed to end up like this. And perhaps you were. Gently, you reached out to brush your fingertips over his temple. Tentative touch making his breath even out, waking him in the process. Using the momentum, you swept the hair away from his eyes, ending the caress by running the pad of your thumb over his nose and mouth. If only because he was within your grasp.

Neil opened his eyes then, blinking twice to get used to the brightness. You watched as he took in the surroundings, consciousness needing few seconds longer to catch up. Once his eyes landed on you, his lips curled into a soft smile. Gaze immediately showing you nothing but affection. You mirrored his expression, letting yourself extend the staring. It was easy to waste the morning just doing that, gazing into each other’s eyes, getting used to the unbelievable luck. The comfortable silence stretched for a few minutes when Neil grinned and pulled you closer, hiding his head in the crook of your neck and inhaling the scent with reverence. The happy giggle rose in your throat, tinting the words with breathlessness:

“Morning, sleeping beauty,” the nickname coming out of nowhere, yet fitting too well.

You could feel Neil’s smile widen. Cradling you close, he kissed your collarbone and slipped his hands underneath the shirt to caress the skin. It was always like this, slow and blissful, with every minute spent cuddling reminding you why loving him was something essential.

“I should be annoyed at you for waking me up,” the pretended sulking accentuated with a huff let out by Neil.

Still, his hold over your waist tightened. Another kiss laid on the collarbone, teeth lightly grazing over your skin. At this point, hickeys were just another thing that had to be accepted. With the military fashion aboard the icebreaker depending largely on pullovers and combat trousers, you did not need much to hide them. Now, feeling the sleepiness gradually make way for other emotions, you wound your arms around his middle, tangling more to prolong the contentment.

“What’s the but there?” dropping the cheeky question, you made sure to press a kiss to the top of his head.

Taking a moment to drag your fingers through his hair, arranging the eternal mess someway, a job you took on most days now. It was only a pleasure, making sure he looked presentable and yet still like his chaotic self.

“But… this way I can spend few more minutes like this” another blissful sigh, “And this is rather nice,” the adjective complemented with a final trail of kisses down your neck.

Using the loose cut of the t-shirt, Neil ended the study with a longer caress on your bare shoulder. Earning a gasp from you. And then, to sober up, you remarked:

“I love it when you become this incomprehensible in the mornings,” another tactical distraction in the form of tracing your fingertips down his forearm.

His cluelessness first thing after waking up was endearing. Despite always being rather dependent on touch and closeness, it was in those hours when he tended to seek comfort. As opposed to your evening need of hugs and cuddles, helping your anxious brain settle in for the night. It worked. Very much so.

“Very funny” Neil raised his head, joining you on the pillow, “You’re quite gorgeous, did you know that?” eyes showing you the unimaginable extent of infatuation.

You grinned, the charm never failing to get to you. In moments like this, it was easy to believe him. To accept the fact that he was in love with you. Exactly as you are.

“You might’ve mentioned it once or twice. I’m not convinced though” sensing the potential in this line of conversation, you made sure to put up the act.

It worked if judging by the way his eyes lit up with the familiar glimmer. As if that was the needed push for him. The wake-up call.

“I’ll convince you then,” a predatory smirk reminding you of the defeat.

There was no point in fighting him. With excitement fluttering in the pit of your stomach, you watched as he shifted to hover over you. Hands settling comfortably on your waist. One last wink before he leaned down, crashing his mouth into yours with hunger. Your hands ventured up his arms to enlace on the nape of his neck, offering leverage. To pull him down as you deepened the kiss. Easily letting his tongue brush against yours in the intimate moves. Every glide of his lips against yours resulting in flickering fire, electrical sparks trailing down your veins. Muffled sighs and gasps breaking the silence. It was never something effortlessly brushed off. Each kiss sharpening the need and affirming the convictions. Unforgettable.

You broke off the contact only once it felt like you both would suffocate if letting it continue. With a permanent grin, you watched as Neil flopped back on the pillow and took a greedy breath, hand taking yours instinctively and lacing up the fingers to extend the touch. After a few seconds of the recovery period, you decided to pick up on the playful strand once more. For good measure. Raising on the elbow, you glanced down at him with a cheeky smile:

“Do you always kiss that good?” you slowly dragged your tongue along your lips, saving up the remains of the taste.

With satisfaction, you observed as his eyes darted to your mouth, pupils darkening as though that was enough to entice him. The attraction never failing to surprise you in its intensity. Fate and related synonyms constantly on your mind. Because what else could it be?

“You tell me” following your mood, Neil smirked, never easily thrown off by the banter.

Shots fired and all that. Naturally. You broke into a laugh, half-collapsing against him. Only the arms wrapping around your waist keeping you secured. There was nothing left to do but let the giggles die down, listening to his steady heartbeat.

“My god…” words choked out with immeasurable happiness, “If it’s going to be a lifetime of talk like that, then I’m not sure I’ll survive it” admitting the eternal truth, you peeked up at him to see the reaction.

A widening grin and a hint of insecurity brewing underneath were a fascinating mix.

“Maybe you’ll get tired of me and my bullshit. And dump me for someone with the charisma of a cardboard box,”

It was the way he was so utterly wrong that made you let out a quiet laugh then. And also, the concern over his self-doubts that would need to be dealt with immediately. As the true bullshit must be treated.

“So… like Jasper?” the joke earning you a genuine burst of laughter from Neil and a tightening hold over your body “Wouldn’t count on it,” raising once again, you kissed him lightly on the lips and the tip of the nose.

As a reminder.

“Good. Because something tells me I’m a lost cause,” the sincere look causing another wave of love for him, “There’s no getting over someone like you, Miss” in response, Neil bopped your nose with his playfully.

There it is again. With curiosity peaked, you ignored the need to get lost in another kiss and chose to ask a question:

“What’s with the new nickname?” your interest betrayed only by the restless fingers trailing down his chest, smoothing out the wrinkles in the shirt.

Not that you did mind. It was rather cute. And strange.

“I’m trying it out... to see how I feel about it” as usual, Neil caught your meaning with a pensive look.

For a moment, he seemed lost in thought, staring at you unseeingly. Beauty like this first thing in the morning should be made illegal. Your heart once again building up the fire that could only be extinguished by letting yourself have what you wanted. And that was rather simple.

“And?” trying to distract the intensifying thoughts, you took hold of his hand once again.

Carefully relaxing the fist, fingertips inspecting the web of veins and scars covering his palm. The long, slender fingers never failing to amaze you. A sudden reminder about the piano in his flat making everything worse. Because that would be quite a sight.

“I like it. Once we get married, I’ll amp up the game anyways,” Neil’s oblivious ramblings disrupting a detailed daydream concerning him and the piano keys.

Thankfully. It was only once you have brought yourself back to the present moment, the exact meaning of his words caught up.

“Once… not if?” that flicker of hope burning bright and steady.

It was in the way Neil studied you closely that you knew he understood. The smirk spread across his lips; eyes glimmered dangerously as he cupped your cheek:

“Why you got any other plans?” a suggestive glance at your mouth yet again.

No reason to deny it. You glanced at the phone to confirm your hopes. It was early. Enough so to spend a little bit longer in bed. Perfect.

“For now, yes,” meeting his gaze with a half-smile of your own.

Quickly untangling from the current position to provide yourself with more options. Not that he would mind how you would go about it. He never did.

“Care to share?” the want written clearly on his face, nothing but an invitation.

No verbal response needed as you straddled his lap and kissed him eagerly. Your hands followed, inching up his shirt and giving more places to study. The look full of curiosity and excitement in the blue eyes only providing more reasons to continue. More kisses. Hands exploring the familiar territory, waking up the desire, and raising the temperature. A quick fix for the addiction. Breathless moans and groans, breaking the silence of the morning hours. Gathering the courage to do what you wanted never felt this sweet.

***

Whenever Neil was busy with assigned work or training, you would wander the ship looking for something to do. A way to pass the time without triggering worrying thoughts or staring at the plans for the hundredth time. Two days were still left. And the objective was to survive them as peacefully as possible given the circumstances. You were owed as much.

That morning your feet carried you to the bridge. The quiet space offering a perfect place to settle down with the coffee and a blanket on your lap. With the panoramic windows giving an excellent view of the horizon, you could comfortably stare at the endless sky and sea. That close to the Siberian shores the only land visible were the occasional Russian islands, partially covered with snow or laid with grassy steppes. Otherwise, the emptiness could be easily overwhelming. Silence deafening. No soul nearby not belonging to your party of agents and soldiers willing to save the world from the bomb that could still go off. (Or did it already?) It was thoughts like those that caused most drama. Tiny brain worms rooting deep inside to come out at night and bother you with difficult questions and uncertainties. An ideal spark for anxiety.

Too lost in your head, you never heard the airlock open.

“Morning” you looked up, startled to see Kat take off the oxygen mask.

“Hi,” you grinned, suddenly relieved to have company.

She hesitated, eyeing your set up on the sofa and then the scene outside of the window.

“May I join?” upon your nod, she smiled and joined you on the settee, noticing wistfully, “The view from my porthole isn’t half this good”

You observed as she took in the scenery, large blue eyes full of wonder.

“This is quite something else…” you added, gaze coming back to the picturesque view.

The comfortable silence stretching out for a few minutes, when sudden thought prompted you to speak up:

“I never came to thank you for helping me back then-” the incoming apology stopped with a hand resting on your knee.

“Don’t mention it,” the reassuring smile shutting up the worries, “It was the least I could do” another pat on your knee before her grin turned wicked, “Where’s Neil?”

Caught. If it was not due to your accurate portrayal of the deer stuck in headlights, it was probably the blush that confirmed her thesis. There was no reason to pretend.

“He’s got shooting practice,” feigning nonchalance, you wondered aloud, “How do you…?” the question not needing finalization.

The look on Kat’s face nothing short of welcoming.

“I saw you on the deck during the Northern Lights,” the explanation tinting your cheeks darker “You were stood close, away from everyone else. And then you looked at him and kept on staring as though he was more beautiful than the Aurora to you” right…your breath hitched, the realization hitting with a needed kick, “I noticed you leave right after, hands holding tightly…” she trailed off, the knowing smile gracing her lips.

More beautiful than the aurora… yes, definitely. Finding words again, you chose to be honest. She saw you at your worst, offered a shoulder to lean on and a spark to light the flickering hope. To say that you were grateful was an understatement.

“We’ve managed to talk it out. Turns out he was just an idiot trying to save me while willing to ignore his feelings” thoughtlessly, a smile appeared on your face; joy uncontainable “You were right, he loves me,”

It still felt strange to say it. Even though it was true. The last time Neil told you as much was less than an hour ago. A parting affirmation as he was putting on the pullover and leaving your cabin. The new normal.

“As he should,” Kat grinned, optimism in her eyes exhilarating, “You both deserve happiness” you mirrored her smile, taking a sip from the abandoned coffee cup in a bliss-like daze, “From what I’ve seen the last few days… you’re giving him everything he was missing” the addition making your grin wider, the dangerous hope unstoppable.

Both of you went silent then, pondering on the view and what could be said. Silence comfortably stretching out and giving you a sense of companionship that you missed. While sharing thoughts and feelings with Neil was like second nature, sometimes you wished for somebody else to talk to. It was that necessity of being candid that prompted the confession:

“I like to believe that maybe now things will turn out alright somehow… but it’s difficult to keep it up with whatever awaits us at Stalsk,” the reminder settling with the anxiety cast all over your mind and heart.

The sombre turn of the conversation seemingly alright with Kat, for she eyed you closely before speaking up:

“Neil told me you’re going with him on the special unit” it was an observation.

But one that needed confirmation. The possibility to discuss it with her suddenly sounding like something you desperately wanted but never dared dream of.

“Yeah, I have to” a nod if only to reassure yourself, “Maybe it’s crazy, but I’ve got a feeling that I should be there. That it’s where I’m supposed to end up” words ringing out in the quiet space with defiance “And do whatever will be necessary to help him get out unscathed” the unsaid hanging over you, bestowing imperceptible shadow.

Kat looked at you thoughtfully; the quiet observation weighed with thousands of things that could be said. Finally, she ended the scrutiny and turned back to the horizon, breaking the silence with a comment:

“After everything I’ve seen, that’s far from crazy,” low chuckle permeating the space with a sense of faked lightness, “I’m more concerned about that part with whatever will be necessary…” the emphasis making your cheeks turn a darker shade.

Of course. She would understand what you meant. It is the only way. The belief in that one statement giving enough courage to defend your position:

“I know how it sounds. And perhaps its emotions talking… but he must survive” hiding the rising wave of emotions, you finished the lukewarm coffee, stubbornly staring at the edge of the navy sea covered with waves.

Anything but to face the attentive gaze. In the fear of losing the conviction. There was no time to falter now. Whatever would happen, you had to proceed with the plan. If not for yourself, then for Neil.

“Even if that means your sacrifice?” the question asked with a neutral tone.

The meaning simple. Taken by surprise, you looked up to meet the blue eyes staring at you inquisitively. There was no point in lying. It was another thing that you pondered on often. The question of what if. What if it comes to it and you’ll have to choose between your life and Neil’s? The answer was undeniable. Even if unspeakable.

“Yes,” a nod to assert it with all your might, “And I know he sees things the same… he told me that it’s why he’s doing it. To make sure the world won’t end taking me with it” you added, as though to validate your statement.

To show her that it was not only you who was that crazy. That perhaps what you have is something extraordinary. Worth more than anyone else can understand. Judging by the glimmer in Kat’s eyes, she knew what you were trying to say.

“I’ve only encountered love like that in fiction,” a hint of a melancholic smile on her face tugging at your heart with force.

Desperately searching for something else to say, you remembered everything Neil told you about her. Of why you were very much alike even if it did not seem so at first sight.

“You’re willing to go to similar lengths for your son. Max, right?” uncertain about the name, you hesitated.

She nodded, her expression turned serious, eyes showing the steely resilience you have seen before. A strong woman willing to do anything to save her son.

“Yes, I think… I’m not sure what’s going to happen on that bloody yacht but…” you watched as she searched for the right words, hands clenched tightly in her lap, “I’ll do what must be done to make sure Andrei doesn’t win this one” her tone turning cold, determination resounding through every syllable “He’s done enough harm,”

It was the flash of resignation passing through her gaze that caused another heartbreak. Suddenly you wished for nothing but a reckoning. Vengeance against this horrible man and the tortures he has inflicted upon Kat.

“I’m sorry,” words rolling off your tongue for the lack of anything better.

Instantly, you cursed your awkwardness, ready to come up with something different, when a hand placed on your forearm stopped the panicked stream of thoughts.

“Don’t be,” she squeezed your palm quickly before saying, “I hate it when people look at me with pity. The poor woman who married a monster. I want to be seen as a victor, not a victim,” the confession carrying with it a rising sense of strength.

Because she certainly was a victor. Someone to admire for the resistance and unyielding force of will. To be good and to put her son’s life before hers. That was something to aspire to. A quote from a few years back resonated through your head as you commented:

“Nevertheless, she persisted,” the mysterious smile spreading on your lips upon seeing Kat’s surprise.

And then she beamed. Gratefulness better than anything else you could ask for.

“Yes, exactly,” a nod, hope shining bright in her eyes, “Maybe this is my chance,”

Using the quiet moment, she stood up and wandered over to the panoramic window. The sun has begun to shine through the low clouds, adding a little more charm to the view. A tiny bit of optimism. Because maybe… With her back turned to you and the increasing sense of courage, you spoke up:

“You’ve already won. You’ve survived a wound like that… and you’re here, free from him. That for me is being victorious” finishing the sentence, you wavered.

When Kat turned back to face you with a smile full of gratitude and eyes shining with happy tears, you knew it was worth it.

***

The early afternoon before the very last night proceeding the battle was difficult. Left to your own devices, you have been idly sitting in the cabin, pondering on the various ways to stop the anxious thoughts. Even for a minute. But all the ways you could come up with either involved seeking out Neil, who has been hired to give the soldiers a quick physics-related pep talk, brushing up on their inverted combat skills and how to survive on the battlefield when the forces of gravity work against you. The other coping method you came up with had to do with spending hours in the shooting ground again. And there were hardly any bullets left for training, with stocks reserved strictly for operational use. Limits set by yourself as per order. Not omittable.

That is how you have found yourself setting up the hastily packed speaker (because why not?) in the small sparring ground in the training zone. You have changed into comfortable sweatpants and a tank top, deciding to use up the excess of energy in chilled solo sparring of sorts. It mostly consisted of finding proper bops and prancing around the space, trying out different kicks and punches Ives taught you. It was easy to get lost, feeling the rhythm, setting the pace, and choosing the right kind of moves to deal with the invisible opponents. A backfist here, roundhouse kick there. An attempt at a flying kick just because the guitar solo got you a little bit too entranced. That one ended with a groan, face flat on the mat. Thankfully there was no one to see.

You got lost in the movement, music drowning out everything else, until it was just you, your body in the fluid movements and the breaths punctuating the silence. Aiming a perfect backhander, you turned around only to freeze when your eyes landed on the intruder leaning on the plastic screen separating the spaces. Impeccable grin and a shrug answering your wide gaze. Blue eyes appreciatively sweeping across your body. Nothing new there for him. You stared back, heavy breaths catching up after minutes of intense practice. After what seemed like an eternity, Neil’s smile widened as he pushed himself up and crossed the distance.

Hands landing on your waist, without a second wasted, he pulled you closer, forcefully enough to draw out a startled yelp. That was rather unexpected. You barely had time to comprehend anything when he kissed you with hunger. On reflex, your hands tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck as you opened your mouth to let him in. Teeth clanked when Neil reached out for more than you could offer, breath caught in your throat, unprepared for something like this. The need resonating through your tangled bodies as you let the stream of feelings take you under. Temperance forgotten as Neil tugged on your lower lip, bruising the skin and softening the damage with his tongue. You moaned, the sound getting lost in the haze of sudden frenzy. As though you were bound to die tomorrow, and this was the last chance to show each other the love you feel.

It was that thought that prompted you to break away. In search of oxygen mostly.

“Wow…” you gazed up at him, feigning nonchalance, “Thought we agreed on no PDA in the public spaces,” the stern glare breaking underneath the lovesick smile you could not hold back.

Because, after a kiss like that, how could you?

Neil shrugged, keeping his hands firmly on your waist, thumb gently stroking your side through the shirt. There was no remorse in those eyes, only fondness, and mischief. Whatever brought him here was bound to end in trouble. Perhaps that was the distraction you were seeking…

“It’s not my fault you’re stood here looking like this” another admiring look over your figure, finishing with a quirked smile and a pull to bring you closer once again.

It was difficult to deny him anything.

“Like what?” arching an eyebrow you searched his eyes for clues.

Up close, you could fully marvel at his long eyelashes and the exact colour of his eyes. The darker rim encircling the blue-grey depths, pulling you in and making you fall even harder. You always should have known that it was inevitable. There was no escape from eyes like those.

“Irresistible,” the word, falling from his lips in a pious whisper.

Inches left between your faces, gravity doing its work in bringing your nearer. Nothing left to do but breach the gap and kiss him, another way of thanking him for the compliment and getting the fix for the addiction. Now there was no need to hold back, after all.

“Huh…” you grinned, catching your breath once more, “How did you find me?” taking a step back to stop the temptation.

Because perhaps that was enough. The rest could continue in the privacy of your room. Whatever that might be.

“Intuition, mostly” Neil swept his gaze around the room, focusing on the speaker laying in the corner “And a little bit of luck since only you could be listening to ‘Big in Japan’ while training” his eyes narrowed, cheeky smirk dangling in the corner of his mouth.

Ah. The song choice coming back with a vengeance as you blushed for no reason.

“What’s wrong with Alphaville? That’s a banger,” the defence coming with an unnecessary but satisfying push aimed at the center of his chest.

Working perfectly, if the surprised gasp was anything to go by. He only needed a second to recover, the sparks in his eyes telling you that the response was bound to be quite something, and you better prepare.

“I’m not saying it’s not. Only that this is very much in character for the woman I’m honoured to call my girlfriend” a wink perfecting the delivery.

Yep, on point. Your face warmed up a notch, happiness almost incomprehensible.

“Ain’t you smug” masking the softness with sarcasm, you attempted a harsh glare.

However, all the intent crumbled the moment your speaker started playing the next song via shuffle. The soft piano, opening the ballad with a flourish. Nothing but corniness of the 90s and a love song to defy any other. As Bryan Adams started singing out the first lines in his husky tone, you groaned. Fuck you, Spotify.

“I didn’t take you to be this sentimental” Neil eyed you closely, mirth betrayed by the barely contained laughter.

Using the weapon you have been hoarding for too long, you aimed to school your features before noticing:

“Well… wise man once told me that we’ve all got our weaknesses…” the meaningful gaze doing the job as Neil grinned.

“Very wise, indeed,” the self-satisfied expression only deepening.

Before you could perceive his movements, he closed the distance, took your hand in his, and placed the other palm on your shoulder blade. Following instincts you did not even know you had, you hastily put your hand on his bicep in the ballroom dance position you have seen on tv. What the hell.

“What are you doing?” question coming out breathless as you stumbled to fall into the correct steps following his lead.

Lead to a slow waltz, of all things.

“Using the opportunity,” Neil adjusted the pace, letting you feel the rhythm before continuing, “Haven’t you ever dreamt of waltzing with the love of your life in a glitzy ballroom?”

It was the nonchalance that caught you. The way he said it without a stutter. As though he has used the words before, perhaps in the quiet of his mind or in a conversation.

“Maybe I have,” forcing the doubts to shut up you chose the noncommittal answer for the moment.

Letting your eyes speak instead as you met his steady gaze. A flash of a gentle smile and a thumb tenderly stroking your shoulder blade. Calming down and grounding within the moment.

“I know I did,” the affirmation added to the mix, complete with the kiss on your forehead.

'Look into your heart – you will find

There's nothin' there to hide

Take me as I am, take my life

I would give it all, I would sacrifice'

Bryan Adams kept on crooning as you moved slowly across the room. The relatable meaning of the words sung out making you hide your head in the crook of Neil’s neck, disrupting the formality of your position. Turning the waltz into a slow dance by making Neil pull you closer. He tightened his hold, fingers carefully stroking your skin, the contact keeping up the spark alive. A few more slides across space, your feet following his without hesitation. The synchronization perfect in the matched tempo. It was surprisingly easy to find the right rhythm; perhaps the chemistry did its work in that aspect too.

It was only once the song has reached the guitar solo part that you have managed to break the comfortable silence with a comment:

“This is… nice,” the adjective being the only one you could come up with.

All the other words disappearing one by one, dissolved in the wave of feelings. Happiness, most of all. And love you never imagined existing, let alone to experience. Neil chuckled lowly, his chin resting comfortably on the top of your head.

“Mhmm… Remember how we’ve first met?” the question catching you off guard.

Enough to miss one step and earn a little ‘tsk’ from him.

“Of course, why?” the audacity of the assumption frustrating.

As if. Because even now, you sometimes found yourself reminiscing on that day. The conversation, seemingly innocent, and yet have led you to this point. To everything you did not even know you were missing but now could not live without.

“Even then… when we were chatting over the coffee, I was intrigued,” the wistfulness in Neil’s voice causing long-forgotten questions to resurface.

You have never discussed that day in detail. But maybe that would be the chance. Gathering up the courage, you waited until you have completed the spin around the room to admit:

“Me too… I’ve always wondered… what was it when you’ve eyed me and said I’ll pass the training without issues? Just flirting?” curiosity creeping into your voice.

Not going unnoticed and acknowledged with a thoughtful hum. That was another thing you have thought of. Back then, his gaze only increased the interest. Now, knowing it was not only you that had many impressions after the meeting, it was harder to ignore.

“That was one of the few times when I broke my own rules of looking at people objectively” the explanation given with the needed depth “I always try to be respectable… to see everyone for their minds rather than their bodies” unasked, your heart let out a painful thump in awe over him “But with you, I- I guess my fascination got ahead of me” sudden shyness surprising, causing you to disrupt the dance by freezing in the spot “I was right, in the end” Neil met your questioning gaze with an apologetic expression.

That alone vouching for a kiss and a reassuring squeeze of a hand. You gladly accepted an invitation back into his embrace and another slow dance. Spotify proving itself useful with the next song choice – ‘Forever Young’. By Alphaville, again.

Neil’s snicker was met with a glare on your side and a light step on his foot, for good measure. It took you another few seconds to let the doubts speak up again:

“Was that really enough for you to see me? That one afternoon?” once the questions started, there was no end to them in your mind.

“Yes,” no hesitation on his side “Trust me, I was surprised too, but with every passing day I was thinking about you more. And now I know why” a nuzzle to the top of your head before he asked, “What about you?” inquisitiveness almost hidden by the neutral tone.

Might as well show your hand. Laying a small kiss on the side of his neck, you began:

“I’m not sure… I was curious about you” an understatement but always something, “You seemed so different and charming, like no one I’ve ever met before. And obviously, I had to acknowledge that you’re handsome as hell but… then I saw you flirt with Anna, and I thought that you’re one of those” the admission coming out with the resigned edge you did not fully intend.

It was quickly extinguished with a spectacular dip and a pirouette that managed to knock the breath out of your lungs and the thoughts out of your brain. Nothing but Neil left. As usual.

“I see… mind you, I was flirting with her only because I didn’t know how to talk to you yet” he carried on the conversation without a hitch.

Interesting.

“Did it matter?” you raised your head to be able to see his face for this one.

As though he was expecting scrutiny, Neil met your gaze with a steady look and a confident smile.

“Surprisingly, yes. I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea,” the intensity of the eye contact increasing.

The song starting to fade out amidst its 80s glory, the last of the synthesizer giving out its swan song with the needed cringe. Your dance slowing down to a small two-step, prolonging the moment a little longer.

“Which would be?” another question, because why the hell not.

Using your momentum, Neil slipped his fingers underneath the strap of your tank top, grin widening once he realised the lack of bra. The familiar sparks, making you wonder about wherever this was bound to lead you. About what could happen. A vague idea formed in your head, needing only closure to the chat.

“That I’m not serious,” Neil’s response bringing you back to the moment.

All the movement stopping, leaving you standing in an embrace in the middle of the space.

“Are you?” just a final test.

Even though you did not need an answer, everything that happened within the last days proving time and time again that he was in it hundred percent. That finally you have found the one.

“Very much so, my love” stepping out of the hold, Neil tipped your chin.

The depth of adoration in his gaze only bringing out fierce blush and the deepening softness threatening to make you melt on the spot from too many feelings and too much happiness coursing through your veins. Enough. For now.

You grinned at Neil as a means of accepting his answer and took a definitive step away from him, noticing the curious look on his face. Ignoring it for the moment, you quickly searched through the library to pick up something a little more appropriate. And less cringe. As you pressed play on the right playlist and faced Neil again, the smile you saw told you he had ideas towards your next suggestion:

“Do you want to join me for a little sparring?” you approached him slowly, the unexpected nerves making an appearance, “We’ve never done that together, and maybe… you can say no of course but-” as you faltered, the plan seemed to make less and less sense every passing second.

Because perhaps there was a reason why he never suggested it. Or perhaps, it was not something he would want to do with you, his girlfriend, of all people. Maybe-

“I’d love to,” the answering smile reassuring enough to let you know that all your issues have been noticed, “Don’t pull your punches just because it’s me” Neil closed the gap and took your hand in his with a wink.

There was no way of stopping that grin from appearing on your face. Tightening the hold over his hand, you made sure to put on the most intimidating expression in your arsenal.

“You wish, sunshine,” a kiss on the cheek just because, followed by a wink to tip off his mirroring smile.

Let the games begin or something. You watched as Neil took off the pullover, leaving him in the t-shirt, and joined you on the mat. The final thought was that this sort of activity could end in many ways. Some of them rather intriguing. However, all distractions had to be left behind if you were to win this one. Which was easier said than done, as you eyed your opponent, coming up with the strategy. Because of those damned blue eyes and fascinating body proportions that were hard to ignore, no matter the circumstances.

With the final nod, it began. You crossed the space to aim a kick at Neil’s shin, using the element of surprise and height difference. As you hit the mark, he let out a surprised yelp and glared at you offendedly. A giggle escaped your throat as you made sure to put up the guard, expecting retaliation to follow. And it did. A lighter kick in your ankle, and then an attempt at punch towards your shoulder. That one, thankfully blocked, with your rendition of the shooting daggers.

The sparring followed this rhythm for a couple of minutes, drenching your shirt with sweat and increasing the adrenaline with every move. As it proved, Neil was an excellent partner for that too. Your dynamic working perfectly as you bounced off the different techniques and styles, learning from each other in progress. Soon it became a matter of prediction, of staring at him intently to determine the very next step and to block it efficiently. A few mistakes resulted in bruises here and there, but it was nothing compared to the elation flowing through your veins. The occasional compliments and teases interrupted the flow, bringing out more feelings than you ever deemed possible to exist. At once. Joy, excitement, fatigue, and desire slowly combining into the strangest mix inside your head.

Because one thing was certain – it was increasingly difficult to ignore the way it felt when Neil got close. His strong arms, usually acting as your refuge, now a barrier you had to get through to win this battle. The closeness intoxicating as you tried to wrestle out of his hold, imposed by using the moment of hesitation on your side. But then who was to blame you for getting lost in his eyes? Again. With his chest pressed against your back and the forearms blocking any form of movement, you decided to put it all on the card of fate, hooking your leg around his in an attempt at a backflip taught by Ives. That was another fatal mistake.

You only realised how badly you have fucked up when you opened your eyes to see Neil peering down at you with the most annoying of grins painted on his face. Eyes sparkling with satisfaction that certainly should not be there. Shit. He got you pinned to the mat with hands trapping you underneath him. Not much space between your bodies. A fierce blush bloomed on your cheeks; embarrassment combined with sudden arousal once the exact placement of your limbs sunk in. The earlier misstep resulted in having your legs wound tightly around his waist and crossed over the back. Just like-

“This position is rather… familiar” the husky whisper broke through the sudden onset of feelings and thoughts as you met his gaze.

The darkness of the irises and the boundless depths of desire you found there providing the missing piece in the puzzle. The heat turning up a notch. Unable to break the eye contact, you watched in fascination as Neil seemed to consume you on the spot. His pupils widened, betraying the feelings reigning free over his mind as he contemplated the very next move. Frozen, you could only wait helplessly, feeling the well-known tension rise, causing havoc in your head. Still, what he chose to do next, caught you off guard.

He leaned in and captured your lips in an eager kiss, easily stealing away the breath and distracting you from anything else in the whole world. As you opened your mouth for him without hesitation, Neil used the moment to strike. His tongue caressed yours in exact opposition to the way his hips jutted forward, creating friction. The surprising ploy, drawing out a gasp and making you break the kiss with a telling hiss. The answering mischievous smirk the only warning before he did it again, rocking his body forward against yours, upping up the temperature, and making the warmth pool in your lower stomach instantly. The wetness, collecting on your underwear and sticking to the skin in an impulse you could not control.

“Jesus, Neil- You can’t just-” frustration poured out in incoherent sentences as you fought for sanity.

He, naturally, took that as the cue to up his game. The deadly smile was the last thing you saw before he bowed down, tongue darting out to lick down your neck and then cover the space with kisses. A groan escaped through your lips as you grabbed onto his biceps in search of support. A logical part of the brain told you to stop the madness (and drag him to your room to continue), but that voice could be barely heard through the overwhelming haze. More kisses, teeth grazing over the skin, hands slipping underneath your top, and using the lack of bra to cause more drama.

The added touch onto your breasts was what defeated the sanity and caused you to roll your hips against his, matching up the tempo in the frantic attempts at getting something out of it.

“Fuck” heaving out the curse, you could not stop the moan caused by Neil sucking on your pulse point below the ear.

All the reasons against continuing something this good disappeared one by one. The synced-up movement, making you breathless within seconds. The arousal, seeping through the underwear, only increasing with the way you could feel Neil react to it as well. The telling signs of his lust rubbing off against your crotch upon every thrust. Getting ever harder to ignore with sounds breaking up the forgotten sparring soundtrack.

“That good?” Neil’s question dripping with need as he rasped out the words upon your hungry kiss stolen in the moment of eagerness.

No point in holding back now. Grasping onto his chin to stop him from distracting you with yet another trick, you made sure to show the extent of want raging in your veins:

“It would be without all the bloody clothes in the way” piecing the sentence, you huffed with dissatisfaction.

Because after something like this, you wanted him. No, needed him. Anything to finally release the tension and catch the high. Because, as you began to discover, it was too easy to get addicted to him. To the pleasure, he always seemed happy to give you. To being wanted and needed like never before.

Even now, Neil seemed entranced, eyes searching your face for something. Whatever he needed, you delivered with the want in the unguarded look, for he grinned and nudged your nose with his.

“I like seeing you this needy, darling” choosing no mercy whatsoever he stole yet another hungry kiss.

All the while keeping up the friction. As if you could ignore the feelings building up for a minute longer.

Using the opportunity, you caught his bottom lip between your teeth and tugged at it with force. Drawing out blood and groans. A punishment. To strengthen the effect, you made sure to tangle your fingers in his hair, imposing light pressure. Enough to make him suffer a little more, but not as bad as to make him more predatory. That was another thing learned in the past days. You were right Neil had a hair thing. And using it right could work to your advantage. With satisfaction, you broke the kiss and watched as he opened his eyes, unfocused gaze and shallow breaths giving the needed bravery.

“Bastard,” you whispered and used his moment of hesitation to initiate the retaliation.

The answering smug smile giving more reasons to push on with the plan. With the full attention provided, you slowly licked your lips. A trick that always worked, making Neil stare with that same look of starvation hidden in his eyes. It was the confidence you were seeking to hook your leg around his and find the impetus to complete the switch in one smooth attempt.

It worked. You comfortably straddled his lap, pinning him to the floor. Only a shocked gasp told you he caught up with the change. You met his gaze smugly, using the new position to run your fingers up and down his chest, light teasing included in the act of vengeance. The answering groan more than gratifying, making you even happier to give him the taste of his own medicine and roll your hips forward.

“I like this new development,” Neil breathed out the comment, hands settling on your hips, “You know what, though? I’d love to see you snap one day. Get annoyed by my antics and punish me” it was the way he said it that made you freeze with one hand already underneath his shirt.

As though it was exactly what he wanted. Interesting…

“Is that what you’re into?” arching one eyebrow, you trailed your nails over the skin on his chest.

Watching the goosebumps with fascination. The light bruises on the sides reminding you of the morning the day prior and the sudden passion that resulted in marks all over your bodies.

“I’m into you, but yes,” Neil observed you with strange pensiveness, “Even a man like me needs to be dominated from time to time,” the challenge in his eyes already inspiring scenarios within your mind.

“That can be sorted then” you winked and used that moment to stand up, leaving him on the floor with mouth open wide.

Perfect. Grinning, you brushed off the dust from your clothes and strode over to the speaker, ignoring Neil pointedly. Only an exasperated sigh told you he managed to pick himself up. Using the towel, you wiped off the remains of sweat from your brow and turned back to him with a neutral expression:

“I’ll go shower,” you quickly eyed him, taking in the ruffled hair and flushed cheeks, “I’d ask you to join me… but I don’t want to traumatise anyone using the communal bathroom for that” a meaningful look making sure he understood.

The slight double-take all the needed confirmation. Neil swallowed hard, as though the suggestion was enough to make the images appear before his eyes. But then he flashed you a confident smile.

“Fret not once we’re back home, we’ll catch up on that. I’ve got that spacious shower for a reason,” a tiny shrug as though to make you remember.

Right. Another thing to add to the bucket list, no doubt. However, for now, you were not done with the taunting. He did deserve it.

“I see… do you often use it for those kinds of purposes?” draping the towel around your neck, you strolled towards him with an inquisitive look.

Another shrug. Hands reaching out to be placed on your waist and to draw you closer, keeping that one metre of space just for show. His eyes searched yours with feigned nonchalance before responding:

“Not really. But with you, I want to change that up a little. After all, I’ve got to convince you that having sex with you is wonderful,” followed with a nose nudge and a smirk.

For once, there was no shyness. Mirroring his moves, you put your hands on his sides, thumbs slowly stroking the hipbones, pulling him closer. Once your bodies were flush against each other, you grinned:

“Mutually” and then, upon noticing the well-known beat coming from the speaker, “One might even say you’ve brought the sexy back” a wink, using the lack of inhibitions in the air.

The answering gaping mouth and eyes widened in shock were good enough indicators that whatever this mood was, it should continue. After a second of confusion, Neil started laughing hysterically, collapsing against you with ease:

“… Jesus Christ,” he choked out the words, drawing you into a skewed hug if only to preserve the closeness.

The sudden outburst of happiness was not controllable even if you wanted. Giggling quietly, you waited for him to calm down, running your fingers up his back in a soothing manner. Once his laughs eased, you whispered:

“Sorry, blame that on JT” an apologetic shrug followed with a chaste kiss pressed to his temple.

The cheerful sparks in his eyes, telling all you could need to know. Thanks, universe.

“No, I love it” Neil’s words brought you back to the present moment as he took your hands in his “I love you,” the sincere confession breaking up the ridiculous atmosphere with tenderness.

“You better” your smile widened as you squeezed his hands in a non-verbal response.

It was only once you were heading out of the room, after at least three passionate kisses and some more infatuated gazing, that Neil chose to pick up the abandoned line of teasing.

“Make sure to think of me during your shower” you turned around, mouth open wide “For inspiration. I’ll be waiting” there was no mistaking the look in his eyes or the intentions behind it.

There was nothing left to do but walk out with cheeks burning red and head too empty to do anything but what he proposed.

For a good purpose, as the afternoon then showed you.

***

With the night falling on the last day before the fourteenth and the battle, you could feel the internal darkness creeping with every passing hour. By the early bedtime, there was nowhere to hide. Laying on the bed and waiting for Neil to come back from his shower, you could do nothing but stare at the ceiling blankly. Thousands of worries, questions, and scenarios multiplying in your head, threatening to steal away the remains of peace. It felt as though the curtain has fallen over your blissful days, leaving nothing but uncertainty. Because God knows what would happen at Stalsk. The plan was one thing, perfect execution - a different one.

With lungs failing to expand properly you considered getting up and marching outside to let the cold air give you something else to worry about. That is when the door to your cabin finally opened, and Neil walked in. A sight for sore eyes personified. Mindless of your struggles, he sent you a smile before placing the morning outfit on the chair. It became a ritual of sorts, with him bringing back the change of clothes to prolong the waking up period and stay in bed with you. Despite the anxiety rising exponentially, you could not help but smile at the tradition upheld on the eve of the battle. You watched in silence as he took off trousers and placed his phone on the bedside table. It was only once he sat down on the bed and faced you with fondness in his eyes that you knew the act of staring has been caught.

“Alright?” Neil reached out and tipped your chin to make sure you could not hide.

Gently his fingers caressed your jaw and down the neck, soothing the nerves and asserting his presence. You leaned into his touch and whispered the white lie:

“Yeah…” desperate to extend the bliss even a second longer, you joked lightly, “Was beginning to worry you’ve decided to ditch me tonight” shifting forward, you rested your forehead against his.

Closing your eyes and letting the feeling of being wanted envelope you in its sweet embrace.

“You wish,” the tint of joy in his voice adding on to the perfection of the moment, “There’s no getting rid of me that easily” Neil tucked the hair behind your ear, stroking your temple slowly in the process.

It felt almost unreal to have someone love you like that. So carefully, yet with a passion that did not seem to wane. The only thing left was to believe it. And let your feelings lead the way. You opened your eyes to find Neil staring back with the softest of smiles gracing his features. That was enough to whisper back the answer:

“What a shame,” and capture his lips in a hungry kiss.

Knowing the moves by heart, you have tangled your fingers in his hair and opened the mouth to deepen the kiss. It was always too simple, an act of devotion and a drug you could not imagine giving up. Each brush of his tongue against yours bringing sparks of electricity and pleasure, a promise of so much more only waiting to be taken.

Without breaking up the contact, you shifted to lie on top of Neil, stealing small pecks interrupted with smiles and sighs. Not knowing what bliss feels like, you assumed it must be like this. Because nothing seemed to come close to the feeling of being loved and wanted by him. To feeling the steady heartbeat as you pressed up against him in the closest of embraces. To having him grin against your mouth, interrupting the kisses with happy giggles, and stroking your back underneath the shirt in a simple act of tenderness.

It was once you felt his touch tread onto that well-known territory bridging the line between want and intimacy that you leaned back to meet his gaze. Slight confusion found in the blue eyes as you fell back onto your side and took his hand in yours:

“Can we… not do this tonight?” the tentative whisper broke the silence as your nerves spoke up again.

Because despite never having enough of Neil, tonight you wanted something innocent. Something easy. Asking for it felt almost wrong as if it could be too much. With the countless worries anchoring within your mind, you focused all your attention on studying his hand attentively. The thin scars scattered across the skin. Neatly trimmed fingernails and elegant fingers betraying the sensitive nature of the man you loved without any inhibitions. Neil as always noticed the sudden shyness, for he kissed you on the forehead before answering:

“Of course,” the affirmation given without a stutter, as he retracted his palm from underneath your clothes, “What do you need?” with the free hand cupping your cheek, he forced you to meet his gaze again.

Concern and affection. All the needed encouragement to speak your mind. To reach out for everything he wanted to give you.

“Hold me, please,” forcing out an uncertain smile, you wound your arms around his waist, snuggling in to find the perfect position.

But it was not enough.

“How do you want me?” the question asked with the glimmer in his eyes that told you he remembered the night from London.

Months ago, while also something that has not happened yet. Linearly, that is.

“Closer” this time, the answer could not have been simpler.

Neil accepted it with a hint of a smug smile as he pulled you close. Spreading his legs for yours to fit in-between. Hips flush against each other, heartbeat synced. Hands clinging to the warmth of your skin, his lips pressed against your temple. No inch of space left. Exactly as you needed.

With the brain strangely quiet, you breathed in his scent, letting the reality catch up. Yours. The soothing warmth of the embrace and solidity of his body underneath your fingertips making you feel safe. Even if only for the moment.

A short moment? Prompted by the harsh reminder of time running out mercilessly, you tensed and splayed your hand over his heart. A clear signal for Neil to tighten the hold and nuzzle your temple. Waiting for the words to come spilling out of your heart.

And they did.

“I- There’s so much goddamn noise in my head, and it’s beginning to drive me mad” after finishing the sentence breathlessly, you hid your face in the crook of his neck.

Smelling the bergamot and hints of your perfume, increasing the love held within your system. Following the instincts, Neil started running his fingertips up the curve of your spine, giving you something to focus on. The steadiness of the movement grounding you back in the present.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” the soft tone melting the edges of sharp blades penetrating your mind with anxiety, “I can’t stop the thoughts, but I’ll make sure you know I’m not going anywhere,” confirming the meaning, he took hold of your hand lying on his chest and laced the fingers.

Another way of showing support. Of letting you believe your luck. Nothing left but to press a kiss to his neck and whisper:

“Thank you… We’ll be alright, won’t we?” the question forcing itself on your tongue.

Because it was all that mattered. For you and Neil to survive. To have time to love each other. But… tomorrow is promised to no one. The counterarguments preparing to strike with force as they assembled at the bottom of your heart. You could die tomorrow. That was a fact, as true as the knowledge that the world could end. The bomb could go off. This could be the last moment of peace you would have. And there was no way of knowing whether it was. The fear creeping in with nothing to stop it.

“I hope so,” as though sensing the growing unease, Neil raised your joined hands to his lips, kissing your knuckles.

You need not look at him to know what you would find in his beautiful eyes. It was the knowledge of feelings reciprocated that gave you the courage to speak the truth. To reassert what he already knew. Just because it could be the last time.

“Earlier today, after we’ve… I’ve realised that… I’ve never been more in love,” stumbling through the sentence, you whispered the confession against his skin, “And I don’t want it to end” a deep breath to gain back the momentum “I need you, Neil. You’re everything I have…” you faltered, feeling tears blur the edges of your vision.

As if your heart knew something you did not. As if being this vulnerable was the trigger you were seeking. There was much more you could tell him, but no words were found for it. Instead, you felt the embrace tighten as Neil kissed the tip of your ear tenderly.

“We’ll be alright, my love,” the endearment getting lost in the quietest of sniffles “I’ll make sure of it” he hesitated, the edge of your breakdown impacting him too with the emotions betrayed in every syllable, “And I don’t know if it needs saying, but… You’re my everything too. I’m not going to give up on us,” the definitive promise offering all the strength for you to raise your head.

Tears shining in your eyes as your gazes met. Worth fighting for.

***

The feeling of safety gave way to worries not longer than an hour after you finally gave in to sleep. Gasping, you opened your eyes in a flash after a particularly terrifying and confusing nightmare full of inverted rounds and ticking bombs. Blindly you rolled over to the side where you would usually find Neil, only for your hands to clutch at nothingness. Shit. The realization working better than any alarm clock as you sat up and turned on the lamp.

Empty room. Darkness outside. Neil’s phone left by the bed. Next to it a piece of paper torn out of a notebook:

“Couldn’t sleep. Find me on the bridge if you need me. Yours, N.”

The initial tugged on your heartstrings as you quickly made up your mind. It was only past one. And there was hardly any chance of going to sleep now. Without him by your side and with the brain haunted by terrifying dreams. You stood up and quickly got dressed in the hoodie he left the day before and joggers.

The moment you stepped outside the cabin corridor, the silence and cold hit you with their starkness. Usually, at this hour, the icebreaker would be alive with the sounds of the crew and troops getting ready for the night. There would be groups chatting in the mess or the galley. Soldiers catching late-night sparring sessions or betting on who would get more bullseye shots at the shooting range. Not tonight, though.

Without stumbling upon a single soul, you walked over to the bridge. Cold hands clutched together in the hoodie pocket. Untangling only to deal with the zip by the airlock.

Once you crossed the threshold, you knew you were in the right place. The silence finally interrupted with voices. Most importantly, with the sound of Neil explaining something in those soft tones that always brought you peace. The darkness of the room enlightened by the single fluorescent above the empty table. Kat was sat in the chair opposite him, focused on what he was saying. As you took off the oxygen mask with a quiet sigh, they both turned to you. Neil brightened up in a flash, a soft smile lightening up his face as he reached out for your hand. You sent Kat a shy nod as you let your boyfriend pull you down onto the sofa:

“Hello,” she grinned, giving you both a satisfied once-over.

The echo of the conversation you had the day before ringing out in the spaces between words. Nothing left but to relax into the pillows and give them both an apologetic shrug:

“Hi… Hope I’m not interrupting” you watched as they shared an amused look, followed by Kat getting up to make tea.

You knew instantly what this was. A moment of privacy.

“Never” Neil’s voice made you turn to him only to see the affection pouring out from his gaze.

Gently he took hold of your ice-cold hands and warmed them up between his palms with care. It was too easy to feel the love fill your chest again. As if switched back on whenever Neil was nearby. Somehow the darkness felt less frightening with him by your side. After a beat, you answered the unasked question:

“I woke up without you, and…” trailing off, you looked at Kat pouring water from the kettle into the mugs.

She seemed entirely focused on the task, mindless of your conversation. Using the encouragement, you moved closer to Neil and captured his lips in a quick kiss. He responded instantly, placing his hand on your cheek to draw you nearer and take whatever you wanted to give him. This time, because of company, the contact ended in a happy sigh a few seconds later as you pressed your forehead against his for a moment. Just enough to share a look of love and a shy grin. Hearing the unmistakable sound of teaspoon clanking in the mug, you leaned back, away from him yet keeping your hands locked in the space between you on the sofa.

“Sorry. I couldn’t fall asleep and didn’t want to wake you. So, I came here and stumbled upon Kat,” Neil explained, breaking the silence and acknowledging the other woman with a sympathetic nod.

Using that line as her cue to turn back to you, Kat handed you both warm mugs. Only a grateful grin could be given before you took a sip and let the tea melt the remains of ice that settled in your chest. With the comfortable silence setting in, you asked:

“Nerves?” giving the woman a quick once over, it was easy to determine that she too has been struggling with the night-time demons.

The shadows under her eyes, hands clutching tightly at the mug as if to find comfort in the warmth it provided. Making you appreciate the hand holding yours even more than you deemed possible.

“Yeah,” Kat swallowed hard, her gaze focusing on the darkness outside “Suppose it’s nothing for you, in a business like this but… I’ve never had to deal with a world-ending situation. Let alone have it depend on me. Partially” she finished the confession with eyebrows knitted together.

“In truth… neither did I” Neil leaned forward, the sombre look in his eyes settling on Kat, “Sure there were some missions of a bigger caliber than a few boxes of inverted artillery smuggled across Scotland… but nothing exactly like this” hiding grin caused by his answer, you took a longer sip of tea.

There was something incredibly true about him at this moment. Discussing the topics of deadly nature yet adding jokes and anecdotes to keep you all that one step away from despair. Tightening the hold over his hand, you added:

“The grand plan,” murmuring the words you once heard TP say, you reflected, “I bet my uni professors would never quite believe it if I told them that this is where international relations got me” feeling Neil’s gaze, you turned to look at him.

A crooked smile and hair falling into his eyes. Perfection.

“More like fate,” he countered, thumb running over your knuckles absentmindedly.

Biting down on your lip to stop yourself from grinning too widely, you nodded:

“That too,” or I’d like to believe it is.

After a beat, you both faced Kat again, only to encounter her knowing smile, curling the lips with a sharp edge of steel. Then her expression softened as though realising the reality once again.

“Are you scared? Of having to do this… together?” it was the hesitancy that helped you understand the meaning.

You knew Neil caught up too, for her moved an inch closer. Shoulder to shoulder, knees touching. No unnecessary gaps. Together. Just when you thought of answering her question, Neil cleared his throat:

“A little… It’s like… on the one hand, I’m glad we’ll be on the same team, as then I can keep an eye on you” he gave you a little shoulder bump as if to accentuate the addressee, “But then I’ve always been warned about being emotionally compromised during missions. Trouble is I’ve been compromised like that for months, at least” an apologetic shrug to complete the sentence.

He was not even looking at you. Yet, it was too easy to understand what he meant. An excuse for the warmth to settle in your heart again. Months. More reasons to keep fighting for the future.

“Sorry,” returning the nudge, you frowned, “On my side, ever since you came up with this idiotic idea to deal with the lock, I knew I’d follow. Because there’s no way in hell, I’d let you do it alone. But, as you say, the element of emotional compromise is there. God knows I’m terrified of whatever might happen,” the ramblings only stopping because you have run out of breath, “It’s like… when you’re young, and you want to change the world. Sometimes you even begin to believe that it’s going to be your purpose. To be the hero and save the day. But most people grow out of that and never even get the chance” ending the observation, you noticed the two pairs of eyes focused on you.

Kat’s light blue gaze, staring wistfully, nothing but understanding and melancholy. As if whatever you said triggered something deep within the confines of her heart. As if she was grateful.

Neil looked as though he could not quite believe you existed. As though your words made him fall even harder. And then he shook himself awake again, clutching your hand tightly.

“But we do” he nodded lightly, offering support should you need it.

Letting you know that the fate of the world was not only on your shoulders. We. That pronoun again. In response, you could only give back the voice to those things that you still wanted to share with them:

“Yes, exactly. And the child that still occupies parts of my heart… she’s excited to be the hero. While grown-up me is just terrified of the stakes” staring at the dark horizon, you noticed quietly, “Never did I dream of saving the world from an inverted atomic bomb-”

“-Well, actually-” Neil interjected with his picture-perfect, MA in Physics tone, making you roll your eyes affectionately.

Idiot. You exchanged an exasperated grin with Kat before stopping him from starting up a lecture about the details of the Algorithm with a hand clamped over his mouth.

“Shut up, mister smarty-pants” your smile widened at the shocked look in his eyes before you lifted your hand and continued, “But at the same time it makes sense… sort of” faltering, you looked around the space looking for something else to say.

“I know what you mean. I never expected any of this to happen to me, but now that it did… I guess I should’ve seen it coming” Kat had your back, agreeing with your words with the same sense of apprehension in her voice.

It was easy to tell what she meant. The guilt entirely unnecessary yet unavoidable for someone this good. Your need of protest got cut short by Neil:

“Kat, don’t blame yourself for not knowing what Andrei is doing. None of that is your fault” upon her pained look he gave her a reassuring smile to confirm the sentiment.

“It’s easier said than done… but thank you” she offered him a weak attempt at a smile and then looked at you with sparks in her eyes, “You got yourself quite the catch there,” a tiny nod in the direction of the blonde man.

Indeed. Unable to stop the happiness rising in your chest, you countered her look with a smug grin of your own:

“I know” ignoring the blush spreading across Neil’s cheeks, you patted him on the head, “He’s incredible,” an appreciative look at your boyfriend and the free hand placed on his knee.

That woke him up.

“He? I’ve got a name, you know,” the feigned spitefulness making a giggle rise in your throat.

Neil glared at you, the act only betrayed by the very way the corner of his mouth curled up, disrupting the frown. Forcing a poker face, you chose to just go for it:

“Yes, and it sounds as though you were English pensioner spending days playing bingo on Malta,” the slight delivered perfectly.

Gratification instantaneous, with Kat laughing hysterically in the background as you observed Neil’s reaction. He froze mid inhale, eyes widened, showing nothing but confusion. And then his mouth opened to choke out:

“…what the-” before he could get to the expletive of choice, the sound of the zip lock interrupted him with abruptness.

Before either of you turned to check who the newcomer was, you met Neil’s bewildered gaze and shrugged. Squeezing his knee as addition and lifting your hand to make the position a little bit more neutral.

“I see it’s not just me who can’t sleep” Wheeler’s voice ringing out in the room made you turn to look at her.

Stood by the entrance, she gave you all an assessing look. Somehow her appearance felt right. Another grounding voice against the rising unease and panic. Someone to pull you back down from the anxious high horse.

“No rest for the wicked” Neil seemingly got over the previous paralysis, for he offered the woman his best rendition of a devilish smirk and threw his arm over the back of the sofa.

Hand landing perfectly by your shoulder. Simple intimacy.

“What’s on the agenda?” Wheeler strolled across the room to sit on the chair by the table.

Dark gaze nonchalantly slipping over the two of you on the sofa. She was never the one to comment on what she observed, but the way she looked at you was enough. The label was painted in the cheeky smile, hidden in the corner of her mouth. Lovebirds. Somehow you knew that at some point, you would be cornered and made to tell the story with necessary details. If only so that she would have digs in the arsenal of sarcasm at a ready. Ignoring the desire to run away, you answered the question:

“Mostly discussing how strange it all is. You know, us of all people, getting a chance to be the heroes” sensing the apprehension rise again, you added, “I feel like if they knew their fate is down to us… they’d be terrified,” a chill running up your spine.

Suddenly uncomfortable, you inched closer to Neil, using his raised arm to lean into his side and find solace. He understood the intent in a second and pulled you nearer, shooting you a quick concerned look. Questions were no doubt coming after.

“And I wouldn’t blame them,” Wheeler agreed with your grave statement with the usual pensiveness, “Normally I don’t get this jittery before missions… but this one feels more important” she stared at the horizon, lost in thought.

With the anxious thoughts waiting around the corner, you searched your head for anything to light up the mood. A stupid joke or a snide comment. But there was nothing.

“Like something could go wrong?” Kat interrupted your train of thought with the simple question.

Alarmed, you looked up to notice the two women exchange a tense look. It really could go wrong. The worst type of wrong.

Neil sensed the way you stiffened, for he pressed his lips to your temple and gave you a quick kiss. His hand tightened the hold over yours, increasing the feeling of being protected. Got you. As always.

You barely noticed when the airlock opened again. Or when another person walked into the room and took off the oxygen mask.

“What’s all this then?” Ives looked around with the eyebrow raised pointedly.

With the whirlwind of emotions, the only thing left to do was to plant your face in your palms, groaning loudly. What the fuck.

Feeling the questioning gazes of everybody else, you slowly raised your head and asked the soldier with blatant tone:

“Could you be any more British?” a mirrored arched eyebrow for the additional effect.

Maybe he was the distraction you needed. The final piece in the puzzle.

No bullshit taken as Ives grinned and gave you the showpiece bow borrowed from The Crown.

“Top of the morning to you, luv” straightening, he raised his hand to tip off the invisible top hat.

The snicker coming from Neil was the only response you ever needed as you rolled your eyes and hid your face in his chest. No point in pretending.

“Couldn’t sleep?” stroking your back slowly, Neil asked the question.

You appreciated how he accepted your sudden need to be comforted. With the careful touch running up your spine, gently scratching the skin, your thoughts slowed down to an acceptable white noise.

“Yeah. The bunk beds are fucking awful, and I’ve no one to cuddle me” it was the neutral way he said it that made you break out into a violent laugh.

The kind when it is increasingly harder to catch your breath, yet the lightness permeating the chest makes everything worth the aching diaphragm and tears running down the cheeks. You heard Kat follow suit, the light giggles bringing hope you wished to find in the darkness of the night.

“Sorry mate, I’m taken,” Neil shrugged, gesturing towards you.

From the comfortable position, you could make out the smirk on Ives’s face as he threw the remark:

“Traitor,” he sat down on one of the empty chairs and noticed, “Anna will be heartbroken, mind you” a passing glance at the two of you snuggled on the sofa.

At the reminder of the receptionist, you sighed heavily. Because yeah, sure, there was nothing to regret in the best turn your life could have taken. But spiteful looks and cold treatment from Anna were not on the list of things you wanted to keep on experiencing.

As if following your line of thoughts, Neil waved his hand dismissively:

“Oh, she’ll get over it,” you grinned at the hint of irritation in his voice, “Plus, it’s not like I’ve ever promised her anything… Not my fault this one came along and stole my heart,” placing his palm on your thigh, he gave you a loud smack on the forehead.

You raised your head in time to see Ives look as if he was close to getting sick on the floor. For once, you could not blame him.

“Dramatic much,” glaring at Neil, you bopped him on the nose with a poker face.

The only sign he noticed was the deepening state of perplexion visible in his blue eyes.

“Who’s Anna?” Kat’s innocent question was the one to throw you out of the strangest conversation and back into the present moment.

Exchanging a glance with Neil, who shrugged as though permitting you to share the tale, you began. Right where it started for you, with the flirting over the admission papers on that first afternoon. Omitting the more private details of your story, and with Neil’s help with the background, you have managed to entertain her with the account of all things Anna. By the end, Kat was looking at you both with eyes wide and cheeks wet from laughing.

It only got better with Ives and Wheeler contributing to the discussion with tales from the past and anecdotes of their missions long before you came into the picture.

When the silence finally fell again, it was less charged with tension. Sipping a second cup of tea, you rested your head over Neil’s chest, comfortably curled up and content.

“What do you want to do after this?” Wheeler asked the question after a beat with a smile on her face.

Nothing needed clarification. An attempt at making the morning seem less daunting. A spark of hope for after – the magical space where you desperately wished to find yourself already.

“Go to a pub and get pissed” Ives grinned from over the rim of his mug, devilish sparks lightening up his blue eyes.

Too tired to react, you chose to sigh heavily and catch Wheeler’s bemused glare as she scoffed:

“How typical” she rolled her eyes and smiled at you as though sharing a private joke.

Men.

“I was planning to invite you along, but now I’m not so sure” the solder cut back with a feigned sulk.

“I’d rather catch up on all those missed boxing classes,” the retort coming without a second missed, causing a giggle to rise in your throat.

Who knew team banter would be the cure for all ails?

That and the steady embrace, holding you close with hands resting on your knee and waist. Letting you know that no matter the future, he was there. All yours.

“Boring,” Ives murmured the response lowly, earning shooting daggers from his second in command.

You felt Neil chuckle as he rested his chin on the top of your head, observing the conversation silently. Your eyes fell upon Kat, a little separated from the idiotic narrative that overwhelmed the four of you. Suddenly feeling a wave of sympathy towards her, you asked:

“What about you, Kat?” as your eyes met, you sent her a small smile.

“I want to go home to Max and finally live my life without that fear of Andrei lurking in the shadows behind my back,” the candid answer whispered almost shyly, “Sorry, I’ve made it all dark-” she added, looking at the rest of you with panic.

Before you could jump in with reassurance, Ives spoke up:

“It’s alright,” he countered her embarrassed look with a stone-cold resilience, “I offer to shoot that fucker on sight if he somehow comes out of this alive” a shrug to complete the proposal.

The genuine grin on Kat’s face was unmissable.

“Appreciated” she nodded curtly as if to mask the initial reaction.

Before you could ponder on it for too long, Wheeler broke the silence again:

“Neil?” her gaze slipped over you once again, the smirk still hiding on her lips.

You felt him raise his head, tightening the hold over your waist as if it was necessary. And then…

“What I want to do is between me and my girlfriend,” the cheeky undertone making you blush instantly and slap him across the knee in an ill-fated attempt at chiding.

That spark of curiosity not easily diminished, however. You made a mental note to ask him as soon as you were alone what that meant. Because, admittedly, doing things with Neil was the height of your wishes too. And most of those were best kept private.

“Thank fuck”

Ives’s candid reply brought you back to the moment in time to hear Neil add:

“-But… I just want to go on holiday. Spend at least a week without stress and the weight of the whole world on my back. And maybe visit my parents… it’s been way too long” the melancholic tone did not get unnoticed despite the panic that crept up your spine.

Following the basic instincts, you lurched forward to be able to look at him. There was no mistaking that confident expression.

“Should I begin to worry? Because ‘meeting the parents’ sounds… official,” you whispered the word with apprehension.

Yes, that sort of thing was probably expected, given how serious he was. But still. The fear of making an idiot out of yourself in front of Neil’s family enough to trigger the anxiety once more. Somehow it sounded worse than dying in the Siberian shithole tomorrow.

With the tense silence that fell, you could almost hear the way the rest of those present were staring at the two of you with curiosity.

“We are official” Neil reached out to brush away the hair falling into your eyes, “We’ll talk about it later. After,” the soft smile administered perfectly, cutting through your worries in an instant.

Maybe you could survive it. Maybe.

“So… Y/N?” at the mention of your name, you looked up at Wheeler.

Right. Diplomatic, subdued answer it is.Somehow it got easier to find the words with Neil’s hand resting on your knee again.

“Holidays would be nice, certainly” stealing a glance at your boyfriend, you exchanged an excited grin, “And maybe some time to walk around London, appreciate life… I don’t know I think I miss the mundanity. Getting coffee on my way to the lecture; visiting random shops and browsing the shelves just because I could. No inverted bullets, no timey wimey bullshit” with the spite thrown in, you left out a long exhale.

That life seemed so far away now. Almost like something out of a dream, rather than your reality before Neil and Tenet. While you would never wish for anything but your current circumstances, sometimes you missed the normality. The lack of danger waiting upon every corner. No necessity to consider fatal sacrifice in the name of love. Normalcy.

“Think you two have travel agency visit booked,” Wheeler commented, looking between you and Neil with a knowing smile on her lips.

Using the most basic of gravitational pulls, you turned to face Neil with a hopeful look. With how close you were seating, only inches of space left between your faces. Despite the tiredness and insomnia, he was utterly stunning, taking your breath away within seconds. A part of your brain wanted nothing but to press your lips against his, mindless of the audience. As though using the same wavelength, Neil glanced at your mouth for a split second, causing a resurgence of butterflies in your stomach. They never seemed to get a rest anymore. Sharing one last long look, you nodded at the unasked question and awaited his response:

“Mhmm… I like the sound of that” another happy grin and a hand grasping yours tightly, “But now, I think we should try sleeping” stifling a yawn, he finished the tea and stood up to wash the mugs.

Using the slightly awkward silence, you jumped up from the sofa and sent the rest of the group a grateful grin:

“Thanks for this… whatever this was” shrugging lightly, you felt a wave of gratitude fill your chest with warmth.

Suddenly the morning felt a little less terrifying. Perhaps for once, you did belong. For once, you were not alone.

“Always up for chatting shit on the eve of the battle” with the bemused smirk on his face, Ives got up and gave you a quick pat on the back.

You only registered that Neil was back by your side when he placed his arm over your shoulder protectively:

“One could even say… that the real treasure is the friends we made along the way” it was the casual way he said it that made you look at him incredulously.

“Is that… Disney?” with your eyebrows knitted together, you tried to find remains of coherence.

Again: what the fuck.

“Maybe,” shrugging, Neil grinned at Ives as if nothing happened.

“Are you regretting your life choices?” the soldier ignored him and stared at you without a shadow of emotion discernible.

With the overwhelming tiredness and brain cells dying one by one, it was easy to choose.

“Maybe,” parroting Neil, you grabbed his hand “You, with me” without protest, you steered him towards the exit, “Think you need rest,”

Just before you could zip up the airlock after the two of you, Ives’ comment broke the silence:

“Take care of each other out there. I want to get an invitation to that wedding” he shot you a serious look, hiding the concern evident in the blue eyes.

Biting harshly on your lip to prevent the sudden need to run back in there and hug him, you raised your hand in mock salute:

“Yes, sir,” a final nod of understanding before you closed the door.

It would be alright. It had to.

[walkerismychoice]

Queen of My Heart - Chapter 36

Book: The Royal Romance

Pairing: Drake X MC, Liam X Olivia, Hana X OC Lydia

Rating: NSFW (I didn’t intend it but it just happened

Summary: Liam finally clears the air with Constantine, and we go to the Fire and Ice Ball at Lythikos, the final social season even before Liam chooses his future Queen.

A/N: Umm, I don’t even want to know how many years it’s been since I updated, but it is with the encouragement of you readers that I was compelled to finish.  My tag list is probably way outdated and I’m sure I’ve missed some poeple who’ve asked to be tagged along the way. Feel free to let me know either way if you want to be tagged or removed from the list.

Tag List: @khakie4 @dreadpirateemma @ritachacha @blackcoffee85 @choices-fanatic @boneandfur @butindeed @simplyaiden-blog @bobasheebaby @traeumerinsworld @theroyalweisme @umccall71 @lizeboredom @debramcg1106 @enmchoices @jadedpixiescribbles @withice @viktoriapetit @mfackenthal @drakesfiance @drakelover78 @speedyoperarascalparty @silviasutton1989 @krisnicjack @devineinterventions2 @choiceswreckedme @notoriouscs @blackcatkita @hamalu @akrenich @drakewalkerfantasy @jamielea81 @andy-loves-corgis @jlouise88 @jovialyouthmusic @sleepwalkingelite @i-miss-trr @dragonball-luver @gkittylove99 @lovingchoices14

Word Count: 2861

Queen of My Heart Chapter Index

“Hello, Father.” Liam greeted Constantine as he walked into the hospital room. He noted the King's color was back to normal and he seemed in good spirits.

"My son, I knew you'd come!" Constantine reached towards Liam with arms outstretched.

Liam just shook his head and held up a hand to stop him. "This is not that kind of visit. I'm here because I know... I know everything."

"What-" Constantine choked out before a coughing fit ensued.

Liam fought the instinctual urge to comfort his father. "Enough with the theatrics. I know about Madeleine...about you threatening the show if they didn't help her win...as if me choosing the woman I plan to spend my life with is some political game to be won."

 "How did you find out? I gave strict orders that my demands were confidential."

Liam scoffed. "Seriously? I just told you I found out you tried to have the producers manipulate me into marrying a woman I don't love, and that's all you had to say for yourself?"

"You have to understand," Constantine pleaded. "Madeleine is what's best for Cordonia, and what's best for Cordonia is what's best for you."

"Unbelievable!" Liam felt the anger rising in his chest like a simmering pot ready to boil over. "You may have told yourself that to feel better about choosing your commitments to Cordonia over happiness, love, family... Maybe you’ve lied to yourself for so long you’ve actually started to believe it, but it's one hundred percent bullshit. I know I'll be a more effective leader if I get to choose the woman I want by my side, and that woman is Olivia."

Constantine's jaw dropped and there was a long pause before he gained his composure to protest. "Absolutely not. You know her family's history. I'd rather have you on the same page as me, but I am still King-"

"Save your breath," Liam shut him down. "You should know that your perfect candidate Madeleine has displayed some behavior quite unbecoming of a future queen, and it is all on film. I know Cordonians are generally flexible with their views on monogamy, but I don't think Madeleine sleeping with the host of the show while she's trying to compete for my affection will look good in anyone's eyes. She has been eliminated from the show and is no longer in the running. That leaves only Riley aside from Olivia, and I know you know what's going on there."

Constantine's face fell momentarily in resignation, but then he perked back up again. "Well, then you can bring back someone else. Kiara is quite lovely and is fit to play the part."

"Enough!" Liam practically shouted much too loud for the thin hospital walls. "Not that I owe you an explanation, but Olivia is stronger, smarter, and more capable of ruling a country than anyone you could hope to pair with me. You seem to forget that I am the son who stuck by you and am now the rightful and only heir to the throne. Your reign is coming to an end, and you have no choice but to accept my decision."

Unexpectedly, Constantine's demeanor changed, a sly grin creeping across his face. "My boy, I've always been a bit worried you were too soft to be king. However, seeing you stand up for yourself today gives me hope. I still don't approve of your choice, but I will no longer stand in your way."

Liam shook his head and let out an incredulous laugh, reeling from Constantine’s sudden change of course. "Bastien will take you back to the palace. We can talk more when I know it's not just the medicine that's gotten to your head."

-----

“Well, this place certainly explains a lot about Olivia.” Riley mused aloud as she scanned the ballroom. Ornate floor to ceiling windows with deep alcoves were surrounded by walls with intricate, gilded accents leading up to a hand-painted ceiling measuring at least 3 stories high. The grandeur of the space was both intimidating and beautiful at the same time, much like its owner.

“Has she shown you all the toys in her armory yet? That too says a lot about Olivia," Drake chuckled at his own joke.

Riley laughed along. “No, but she does constantly remind me she keeps a dagger hidden under her skirt. Are you sure Liam knows what he’s in for?”

"Heh. Better him than me, that's for sure. Liam's warm and fuzzy exterior can make him seem like a pushover, but he can hold his own when it matters. Olivia needs someone who can roll with her mood swings but still call her on her bullshit when needed."

"You know, I admit I had a little trouble wrapping my brain around Liam choosing Olivia, but when you put it that way, it makes sense. Now I suppose I need to find Kat so I can figure out if I need to dance with Liam or something. Ugh, I cannot wait until all these balls are over.

Drake almost doubled over laughing. "Oh, Bennett, I hate to break it to you, but this shit never ends. Next will be the coronation, then some charity gala, Liam's wedding...the list goes on. Welcome to your life as a noble woman."

Riley stared ahead blankly as a giant wave of realization washed over her. It was all so much, so fast. She'd never had time to think past the next day to consider this was all ending soon, and then what? Did she stay with her new-found family and live this life that was still foreign to her in so many ways? What about her life in New York? Sure, she didn't have much going on at the moment, but she still had her aunt Susan and best friend Sarah along with some good friends at work like Daniel. Becoming a therapist was still one of her goals, at least it was until the day she left for Cordonia. Now everything was so unclear, and she could hardly breathe.

Drake must have noticed her face looking some kind of way because he placed a hand on the small of her back and guided her to an open doorway to a nearby balcony. "Why don't we get you some air before you go off and do your thing for the show?"

Once outside and around the corner of the wraparound balcony, Drake pulled Riley into his chest, holding her securely, and she was almost instantly calmed. All the what-ifs fell away, and it was just them. All she needed was the be with him, wherever that turned out to be, and everything else would fall into place.

But what if Drake didn't quite feel the same? They'd been talking as if they'd be together indefinitely, but in reality, they'd only known each other two months. The anxious fluttering in her chest started up again.

Drake pulled back to look her in the eyes. "Riley, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. You know, we're both still half American. We can move back to the states....or uh, I mean you can move back to the states if that's what you want." His eyes darted bashfully to the ground.

Riley's face lit up, the nervous thumping in her chest giving way to excited butterflies. "I like the sound of 'we' better if that's what you really meant. You'd really move back to the U.S. with me? I mean I've hardly had the chance to think about what I want, so that may be irrelevant, but you seriously see a future with me?"

"I do." Drake smiled earnestly. "I'm sure anyone who knows me will think I've gone mad, but whether it means being in New York City and putting up with cramped apartments and way too many people, living a quieter, simple life in Texas, or stealing moments away at dreadful Cordonian events such as this, I know we can make our own happiness...together."

"Wow, the Drake Walker I met two months ago would not believe what's coming out of your mouth right now." Riley touched the back of her hand to Drake's forehead in jest. "Are you sure you aren't running a fever?"

"Haha, very funny." Drake swiftly but gently pushed Riley back again the stone wall. "I'm not feeling ill, but I know how to make your temperature rise.

"You pushing me against duchy walls is becoming a thing, huh? Must have really enjoyed the almost public sex last time."

"Possibly," Drake teased as he slipped his hand through the side-slit in her icy-blue gown, gently gliding his fingers up her thigh. Riley braced herself as Drake neared the place she wanted him the most. Goosebumps gave way to a burning need before she remembered where they were.

"Wait." She pushed a hand against his chest. "We're not exactly alone here, and we've gone to such lengths to keep this under wraps. Someone could walk out here at any moment."

Drake shrugged. "I know it may be a bit reckless, but honestly at this point, I don't care. I just want you."

Riley opened her mouth to protest but nothing came out before Drake swooped in for a searing kiss. She instantly melted into him, Drake continuing his earlier action and deftly plunging two fingers inside her, his eyes widening slightly in surprise when he noticed there was no fabric barrier to work around. A strangled moan escaped Riley's throat as he stroked the exact spot he knew always left her at his mercy.

Drake pulled back with a satisfied grin. "Do you want me to stop? Just say the word and we'll go back in right now."

Instead of answering, Riley yanked him by the collar and crushed her lips to his. Drake responded by hoisting her up and over to the balcony. He perched her atop the railing, one hand grasped firmly around her waist and the other making quick work of undoing his pants.

Teetering on the narrow ledge two stories high, Riley clamped her hand tightly to the railing on either side of her and Drake noticed. "I've got you Bennett, no need to worry. I won't let anything happen to you. I'm just doing my job after all," he said with a smirk.

She smiled at his reference to what was now an inside joke between them. But all joking aside, he always made her feel safe. She released her grip, flinging her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.

Drake eased his cock free and Riley could tell how hard he was just by sight, the skin stretched taught from his perfect proportion of thickness and length. He lifted her dress and she couldn't wait any longer. She pulled him in and he took the invitation to thrust inside her. Even as wet was she was, his size created just the right amount of fullness and friction to take her breath away.

Riley moaned and gasped with each thrust, which in turn seemed to turn Drake on even more. The thrill of being up so high with nothing but him to hold her only added to her excitement and when he began rubbing circles over her clit with his thumb that was all it took to push her figuratively over the edge. She tightened around him everywhere, her orgasm eliciting immense heat and pleasure with every pulse, resulting in Drake picking up his pace until his own release followed shortly thereafter.

Drake carefully set Riley down before putting himself back together. "I'm almost a little disappointed we didn't nearly get caught this time."

"If I don't get back in there immediately, that's still a possibility." Riley had no idea how much time had passed but it was probably more than she thought. "Fuck, Kat is going to be pissed." Riley straightened her skirt and started towards the ballroom door.

"Wait!" Drake puller her in for a quick kiss. "I love you. Just so you don't forget."

Riley rolled her eyes but smiled. "You know you have nothing to worry about. If Liam's charms haven't wooed me yet, I think you’re safe. But I love you too. Now go do your job." She smacked him on the ass before hustling back to the ballroom, Drake following shortly thereafter.

As expected, Kat was frantic when Riley found her. “Where the fuck were you? You were supposed to meet up with me twenty minutes ago?”

Overhearing Riley’s scolding, Olivia smugly sidled up next to them. “I mean, I didn’t mind getting extra time with Liam, but you know Jo and Kat and there ‘ratings’, Olivia said while gesturing with air quotes. She scanned Riley from head to toe and then glanced over to Drake on the perimeter. “Ugh, I can tell you exactly what, or rather who she was doing. Gross. I guess that just makes my position more secure, but really, couldn’t you have waited until after my ball to fuck him?”

Riley sheepishly smoothed her hair and adjusted her dress. “I just needed some air, that’s all. I was having a moment.”

Olivia scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Whatever you want to call it. Although I still cannot fathom why you chose Drake, I suppose I should be a little easier on you for eliminating yourself from the competition and allowing Liam to break free of his distraction of the shiny new object.”

“Aww, Olivia, that’s so sweet. Next thing you know we’ll be best friends,” Riley replied sarcastically.

 “I don’t know about friends...but I do dislike you less than the rest of them.” Olivia tried and failed to hold back a smile.

“I’ll take it,” Riley said with a laugh before turning to Jo. “Okay, now tell me where I need to be.”

Jo set Riley up with Liam on the dance floor. It still wasn’t hard to pretend to be into Liam because it wasn’t all pretend, but there was no lingering pining between them.

“Well, I spoke to my father this morning.” Liam spun Riley around and brought her back to face him.

“Finally!” Riley exclaimed. “How did that go?”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around it to be completely honest, but it went surprisingly well. I told him I knew everything, and he no longer had a say in my decision. He tried to argue with me at first, but somehow something I said made him respect me. He still may not agree with my choice, but I think this is finally all over! I am free to choose who I want without any threat or blackmail hanging over my head.

Riley pulled Liam in and hugged him tightly. “That’s amazing! I’m so happy for you, and for all of us.” The weight on Riley’s shoulders was suddenly ten times lighter. She hadn’t let herself think too deeply about how much was at stake, but now that the air was clear, she realized how stressed she had been. “Now all that’s left is for you to tear my heart to pieces on national television, and you get your fairy tale ending.”

Liam chuckled. “I’ll try to let you down easy.”

-----

Drake stood in his usual position off the side of the dance floor. This may not be the last of these events he’d have to endure, but at least it should be the last time he’d have to stand on the sidelines watching Riley dance with someone else. He was secure in what they had, but it still didn’t stop that twinge of jealously seeing her and Liam together talking, touching, and having fun. But it wasn’t a bad thing that his best friend and girlfriend get along so well. Girlfriend...that’s the first time he’d used that term for anyone he’d “dated”, even if only in his head. It was hard to believe everything was falling into place.

Drake took his eyes off Riley to scan the perimeter. What he saw didn’t immediately register as out of the ordinary, but then he quickly recalled this person walking towards the dance floor wasn’t supposed to be there.

“Bastien, check out three o’clock.” Drake altered Bastien via his radio earpiece. “How did she get in here without security clearance?”

“I don’t know.” Bastien replied. “I’ll check with the other guys to see who let her in. Keep an eye on her.”

Drake watched in concern as Madeleine marched towards the dance floor. She’d been banned from the rest of filmed events after her stunt. Not wanting to let her cause a scene, Drake was about to stop her from getting any closer, when she pulled out an unmistakable object. She had a gun and it was pointed right at Riley and Liam.

Before Drake could alert the rest of the team, people started to scatter. He heard a familiar click and knew he had to disarm Madeleine immediately, but it was too late. A shot went off and he didn’t hesitate. Drake dove between the bullet and his two best friends on the dance floor, and that would be the last thing he remembered before he hit the floor.

[one-boring-person]

Hi, it's me again lol. I'm not very well, could you do one with Lost Boys, which the reader suffers with depression until one day she is about to try something to end the pain, but the boys find her and stop her plan? Something cute with them talking to her, hugs and they even decide to take her in. If you don't want to because it's too triggering, that's fine, I'll understand. I'm really sorry if it's bothersome, it's just that I needed some comfort with them and you write so well.

Oh no, I hope you feel better after reading this! I'm sorry it's so short!💛❤ and thanks for the compliments!

Why Did You Stop Me?

The Lost Boys x reader

Warnings: SUICIDAL THEMES, mention of death

Masterlist

A/n: this is the closest I will get to writing suicide (for future reference for others)

Wind tears around the four vampires as they race up the road, each thanking whatever God there is that their bodies don't get tired from exertion like this, though they use the same breath to curse them. Normally, they'd be much faster, using the air to get exactly where they need to be, but nature is playing a cruel trick on them today: a storm rages around Santa Carla, the wind and rain far too strong for flying to be of any real use. It does nothing to help the panic sparking through their systems, bodies tense as they push through the whirling haze of rain, eyes wide in terror. None of them, not Paul, not Marko, not Dwayne, not even David, can remember the last time they were as frightened, as helpless as they felt now.

Paul leads, his naturally leaner body moving faster than the others, though Dwayne is right on his tail, Marko and David bringing up the rear, their coats flying out behind them. None of them speak, each too focused on getting up the hill they've ridden up so many times, the stretch feeling longer than it ever has done. The sharp ridge of the bridge up ahead is already in view, the structure so familiar to them, a place they never thought would be used for anything except their own enjoyment. 

As they finally crest the top of the hill, a familiar figure comes into view, their silhouette almost invisible through the rainstorm as they stare down at the gaping drop below them. It's heartbreaking for the vampires to see this, the set to the figure's shoulders dejected, slumped and weak, something they've come to notice in past months, though they always tried to curb it. They tried all sorts: nights out on the Boardwalk, movie nights in their home, food dates, motorbike rides, everything. It had looked like it was working, like their efforts were making a change, but it was only tonight that they figured out it made no difference. The note they found at the cave had told them that their efforts were appreciated, but that, though they had tried, it wasn't enough. Not this time.

Their brains had gone blank as they tore from the hotel, forgetting their bikes as they started the long run to the bridge, where they knew she'd be waiting, ready to commit one last act.

Now, as they race out over the edge of the hill, they call out to her, Paul breaking into a sprint as he gets close. She looks over at them, eyes widening as she freezes in place, before she turns back to the drop, moving closer to the edge. 

Paul visibly strains to move faster, hair fanning out around his face as he leaps to catch (Y/n), who finally steps off of the edge. 

The others skid to a halt, screaming out to her as she starts to plummet to the black depths, hearts dropping in terror, their voices raw with pain and horror, pleading lacing their tones. David, Marko and Dwayne can only watch as Paul throws himself off after her, arms outstretched as he calls out to her, desperation driving him forwards. 

For a moment, there is no sound except the howling wind around them, the rain pelting the floor beating out a rhythm they don't pay any attention to, the three vampires frozen in place in terror. Genuine fear is etched into David's expression, his face more open and vulnerable than either Dwayne or Marko can recall it ever being, but then so are theirs. Stock still, they remain where they are, staring out over the empty crack in the ground, every particle within them being used to pray for (Y/n)'s survival and Paul's success. He'd always been a fast flyer, so he definitely stands a good choice of catching her.

Minutes pass, before Paul finally emerges back over the lip of the cliff, a body cradled in his arms. In the dark, the others can tell he's distraught, his eyes wide as he stares down at the girl in his grip, the limp figure curled into his chest. Instantly, the other three leap into the air, fighting the harsh winds as they move to crowd round their friend, anxious to know if (Y/n) is alright.

"She fainted...she's alive." Paul manages out, sounding breathless as he holds (Y/n) closer to him.

Relief floods them all, teary eyes closing as they thank whatever is out there that she's still with them, that she hasn't been taken away from them prematurely.

*

It's a few hours later that (Y/n) finally comes to again, finding herself confused and disoriented as she wakes in a bed full of four other bodies, each curled around her. The feeling is comforting, but she can't help the small spark of disappointment that flares up within her as she realises she's still alive. Groaning, she leans her head back, surprised when it meets the hard ridge of someone's collarbone. She glances up, eyes widening in surprise as she sees David watching her, his piercing eyes softer than usual. The look instills a sense of security within her, and she glances around her again, taking in the other vampires holding her. Dwayne lies to David's right, his head on her shoulder, whilst Marko uses her stomach as a pillow, Paul lying between her legs, his head on one of her thighs. All of them are watching her, relief written into their features.

"You're awake." Paul murmurs, his warm blue eyes meeting her's.

Tired, she simply nods, somewhat unhappy with that fact. They notice this, and their grips tighten around her. All is silent for a long while, (Y/n) sinking back into the dark thoughts that spring unbidden to mind.

"Why did you stop me?" She finally asks, voice quiet and hoarse.

"Because none of us would be able to live without you, and you were trying to take yourself away far too early. We couldn't let you do that to yourself when you've got a whole life ahead of you." David says, reassuring her with the rhythmic rubbing of his hand over her arm, "We love you too much."

"But why? I'm not happy with who I am, I hate existing, and, apart from you guys, there is nothing left for me to live for!" She argues back, frowning angrily.

"We love you for who you are and we know full well that you have a lot of opportunities that you'll miss out on. We want to help you learn to love yourself as much as we do, we're here for you, (Y/n). We always have been, as long as we've known you." Dwayne interjects, smiling down at me gently.

Rendered speechless by the confession, (Y/n) opens and closes her mouth a few times, trying to figure out an argument in response, before Marko leans up and places a finger over her lips.

"What they're saying is true. We all love you far too much just to let you go so easily. We're gonna fight with you and we're not gonna let you surrender, ever, because you have so much to live for. There are loads of people who care about you, it just seems like there aren't many because the world had a cruel way of making life difficult for us all. You're appreciated, (Y/n), by loads of people." The shorter blonde smiles, "Mostly by us, though.

"Yeah, (Y/n), we need you in our lives. You're so important to us." Paul chips in, watching her.

Again, (Y/n) struggles to find the words she wants, unsure of how to react though her heart has flooded with love and security, chasing off the darkness. She makes a few noncommittal sounds at first, until David interrupts her.

"Come on, we'll talk more about this tomorrow night. Right now, you need to get some sleep." The blonde vampire hums, holding her closer to him as the others cuddle closer, too, pressing their bodies to hers. 

"Thank you." (Y/n) murmurs after a little while, relaxing into the vampires' grip, feeling exhaustion starting to take over.

"Of course. We're always here for you." Dwayne purrs back, the boys cradling her until she falls asleep, the four of them unbelievably relieved that they got to her in time.

[sithsecrets]

release | din djarin x reader

A difficult hunt has Mando in a huff, and his crewmember knows just what he needs.

---

2.9k words

mentions: mando’s frustrated but not mean in the slightest, blowjobs, general musings on sex

---

Some hunts are easier than others— that’s one of the first things the Mandalorian told when you joined his crew. You’d thought that was a fair answer to the question you’d ask, and it made a lot of sense at the time because of course bounties have levels like practically anything else. Some people are stupid, others are smart…  A simple bail jumper’s probably not going to be much of a challenge, but a spice smuggler or a member of an organized crime ring? That could be difficult.

Before this assignment, you’d thought you knew what a difficult hunt looked like. There was the pimp on Jakku that led Mando on a chase for three days in the dessert, the pair of bail-jumping brothers that ended up being very well-connected to some very scary spicemakers, and a few other quarries that stick out in your mind. But Mando’s most recent mission…

This whole thing was a clusterfuck from the start. Karga had called it a “special quest” when he offered up the puck, and you’d been right there at Mando’s side when he asked for the price. The number that came out of Karga’s mouth was absolutely insane, almost too good to be true.

There was a catch, of course. The quarry is a member of an alien species known for their sameness— each being looks identical, no sex, no gender, no differentiating characteristics. To make a hard job even harder, the quarry’s…. a bad person. They’re dangerous, armed to the teeth, and known to leave a lot of collateral damage in their wake. And they’re rich. Unbelievably rich. The kind of rich that makes a person bulletproof, the kind of rich that lets a person disappear at will like they never existed in the first place.

Yet despite all of this, despite how difficult the task seemed, Mando accepted the puck anyway, and now you’re here in the Crest wondering what the fuck you’re going to do with him.

Four dead-end leads and three planets later, you think Mando’s going to crack. He came back to the ship earlier in a huff, announcing that you, he, and the baby would be going to yet another location to track this person down. Quiet rage has been radiating off of him ever since, the anger Mando feels slipping out here and there in all the wrong ways. He was less patient with the Child earlier when he was putting him down to sleep, and Mando’s tone was clipped when he declined your offer to make him something to eat. You try not to take any of his behavior personally, knowing good and well that Mando’s running on empty. The stress of this hunt has been immense, and you’re not sure if he’s been sleeping or eating like he should during his days away. Knowing how Mando takes care of himself in the best of times, though…

The man needs to relax, you think. He needs a good meal, something warm and filling, and a good night’s sleep. Mando also needs to blow off steam, needs to fight or scream or fuck—

You force yourself to clear that thought from your mind, even as you prepare yourself for what you’re about to do. It’s gamble, to say the very least— this could cost you your job, your place next to the Mandalorian. You don’t think you could stomach it, being sent away by this man that you care for, but something has to be done— about Mando’s agitation and your feelings for him.

Drawing in a deep breath, you stand before the ladder the leads up the cockpit, gathering every bit of courage you have. “Mando,” you call, hoping he won’t react too poorly to be disturbed right now. He went off hours ago, shutting himself away up there to “look over some intel,” whatever the fuck that means.

“What?”

The word comes out short, but not angry, and you figure it’s fine to go on.

“Can I come up?”

Mando doesn’t give you much in the way of an answer, but the noise he makes is affirmative enough. You climb up the ladder, the rungs cold on your bare feet, and then you’re there in the cockpit. Mando’s just as tense as he was when he went up here in the first place, shoulders drawn taut, eyes trained on a hologram in front of him. It looks like some sort of map, though the lines and colors mean little to you.

“How’s it going?”

He doesn’t even turn his head. “Fine.”

You watch Mando for a moment, nervous as you consider how to play this.

“Don’t you think you should rest, Mando?” you ask, coming to stand beside the pilot’s chair. He’s still hasn’t looked at you, hasn’t so much as glanced in your direction. “You need to eat, and I think sleeping would—”

“I’m not tired,” Mando cuts, and it takes everything in you to bite back your frustration.

“Yes, you are. You’re exhausted, and probably hungry, and even the baby can sense it.”

You don’t get a word of acknowledgement from the Mandalorian, not so much as a fucking syllable, and you finally slip just the slightest bit.

“Mando,” you declare, tone firm and demanding, and finally, finally, you have his full attention.

“Yes?”

Exasperation is clear in the Mandalorian’s voice, but he’s looking at you know, turning the pilot’s chair in your direction. One or two steps closer, and you’d be standing right between his legs, close enough to reach out—

Focus.

“Don’t talk to me like that,” you huff, hands on your hips. “You know I’m right. I know this quarry’s been hard to catch, but you’re starting to slip.”

Once again, Mando leaves you sitting in silence, though it would seem that some of the fight’s left his body. Carefully, you inch forward, and just the slightest thrill runs up your back when Mando opens his legs to make room for you.

“I’m worried about you,” you confess, voice softening. “I don’t want you to wear yourself out.”

Mando’s sigh is long and tired, but he’s out of energy to argue any further. “You’re right,” he concedes. “I— Maybe I am going a little too hard.”

“Of course I’m right.”

You take no real pleasure in this, but you are glad to hear Mando admit that he needs to slow down. With that done, though, it’s time for you to be brave, perhaps braver than you’ve ever been in your life.

“You need to relax, Mando,” you say softly, reaching out to rub at his arm. The visor follows your every move, but Mando trains his eyes right on you when you murmur, “Let me help you.”

“How— What do you mean?”

You’ve got the Mandalorian stuttering, and something about that boosts your confidence to a dangerous level. It almost feels like it’s not you that sinks down onto the floor, dropping onto one knee and then the other between Mando’s legs. Your fingers are on his belt for no more than a second before he’s reaching out, before he’s pushing your hands away and jolting in shock.

“Whoa, mesh’la, that’s not—”

“Necessary?” you cut, cocking your head. “I think that it is, Mando. You need to relax.”

“Yeah, but I don’t— You’re not obligated to—”

“Of course I’m not obligated. I want to do this, Mando. I want to take care of you.”

You settle on your knees and twist your hands out of Mando’s gentle grasp, the leather of his gloves cool on your palms. His fists clench and unclench under your touch, anxious and fidgety, and you feel the need to pause for just a moment.

“Mando,” you say softly, squeezing his hands, “I know what you need, and I’m happy to give it to you. But if you don’t want this, tell me now. I’ll go back down to the hull, you can go back to your map, and we never have to talk about it again.”

Mando hesitates, and you find yourself wondering if you this was a good idea.

“You actually want to do this? You— To me?”

You nod. “I really do.”

Finally, after a few more seconds of tense silence, Mando lets himself relax. You feel it, the way the muscles in his thighs go slack under your arms, the rest of his body sagging back in the pilot’s chair. Eyes track your every movement as you unbuckle Mando’s belt, though you see nothing but the blackness of the visor when you glance up. He’s good help, shifting from side to side as you try to tug his pants down just the slightest bit, and then there’s nothing left for you to do but start.

The moment you lean down to kiss the head of Mando’s cock, you’re blindsided by just how much you missed this. It’s been so long since you had sex with another person, so long since you felt the weight of a man on your tongue in this way. And the smell, Maker, the smell… You get lost in what you’re doing, focused on nothing but the feel of Mando’s cock in your mouth and the throbbing between your thighs. So lost, in fact, that it takes you about ten seconds too long to realize that you’re being touched.

Sometime between you undoing his belt and this very moment, Mando took off his gloves and threaded his fingers in your hair. He doesn’t pull or push or so much as try to control what you’re doing, but there’s a pressure there, a warmth. It would be inconsequential if Mando were someone else, the fact that his hand is bare against your scalp, but he isn’t. Such a simple gesture, and yet…

You sit back on your heels and catch your breath, one hand stroking Mando’s cock at a steady, even pace. A noise indicative of something not unlike despair slips out of the modulator that same instance, so quick and so quiet that it’s almost lost in the static, and not for the first time do you find yourself cursing the fucking helmet. You ache to see Mando’s face, you ache to see his whole fucking body…

“Are you feeling better?” you purr, mouth slick with drool as you talk. You’re not sure Mando likes you all sloppy and ruined like this, but you think it’s safe to go out on a limb just this once.

“Yes,” Mando grits, body shuddering when you lean down to kiss his cock. You take private pleasure in that, thrilled by the notion that a person like you could affect a person like him in such a way.

“Would you feel even better if you came down my throat? Or do you want to see it on my face instead?”

Mando keens, and you feel all-powerful.

“In your mouth,” Mando answers, fingers coming up to stroke your cheek. He sounds shaky, and you let up on his cock just the slightest bit. “I don’t— You don’t deserve to have someone make a mess of you.”

“I don’t mind a mess,” you say, because you don’t, not if Mando’s the one fucking you up. “Maybe next time I suck you off I’ll let you cum on my tits. I—”

“Now you’re just fucking with me,” he groans, squirming in his chair like he can’t help it.

“I’m not,” you purr, “I promise you I’m not. You can do anything you want to me, Mando, I mean that. I’ll lie there and take it—”

“Maker, your fucking mouth,” Mando cuts, breath ragged. “If you keep fucking talking, I’ll—”

He never gets to finish the sentence, words crumbling into nothing as you abandon your little game. You suck him off in earnest, using your tongue, paying special attention the places that make him jerk in his seat when you so much as breathe on them. It doesn’t take him long to fall apart, and you try your best to take it all, swallowing obediently like the taste is nothing to you. And how could you care about something as inconsequential as of the flavor of Mando’s cum when his cock is pulsing in your mouth, when he’s groaning and fisting his hand in your hair…

Listening to Mando cum, feeling him cum makes you drunk off arousal, but you force yourself to tamp down the feeling. He’d fuck you if you asked, rub your clit and let you clench on his fingers until you came at the very least, but this just… isn’t about you. No, this was something for Mando, a way for you to help him calm down, and you don’t want to ruin whatever peace he’s found by making demands. You’ll get yours soon, if you’re patient, and that’s more than okay right now.

Mando seems tired when you finally pull off of him for good, body sagging under his armor like simply holding himself upright would be a chore. You feel shy under his gaze, all your confidence and bravery slipping further and further away by the second. This was something you’d neglected to think about when you formed this plan in your mind, the after. Sucking Mando off and making him feel better is all well and good, but you still have to look at him, still have to go to sleep tonight and wake up in the morning knowing this happened. Knowing that he knows this happened…

Slowly, ever so slowly, Mando musters up a bit of strength, pulling up his pants and doing up the fly as you watch from your place on the floor. You’re half expecting to be dismissed when he’s done, and that’s why it’s such a shock when Mando leans forward to hold your face in his hands.

“Come here,” he says softly, and you don’t have to be told twice.

Your legs burn when you stand up, and your knees ache from kneeling like you did. None of that matters though, not when Mando sits you on his thighs and wraps his arms around your body. You’re facing him, legs dangling just above the floor on either side of his. The beskar is cold and hard against your skin, but Mando’s hands are warm, the expanse his palm soothing down the plane of your back. Up and down, up and down, up and down the heat travels, breathing life into something delicate and raw inside your chest. You thread your arms around Mando’s neck after a few minutes, glad that he’s still not talking. Something about his affection has you choking up, and you’d rather die than give yourself away. It’s the silence, you think, the way he says so much without speaking a word.

“Thank you.”

The words come out in a staticky whisper, the sound of them crackling in your ear. And though it pains you to do so, you sit up and look at Mando properly, missing the warmth of his neck the minute it’s gone.

“It was… You don’t have to thank me,” you say softly, fiddling with the collar of Mando’s shirt. You wonder where his cape is and why he took it off in the first place, though you’re not exactly sad to see it go. “Are you hungry? I made you a plate earlier even though you said you didn’t want to eat. It’s still good if you want it.”

“I do have to thank you,” Mando insists, holding your chin in his fingers. “You take good care of me, cyar’ika.”

Cheeks hot, you refuse to meet his eyes. “Well, it’s not like you don’t deserve it.”

You want to ask him what those names mean, the one he called you just now and the one he blurted out earlier when he tried to stop you. But you think it might ruin the mood, and so you swallow the question like you swallowed the lump in your throat a few minutes ago.

“If you go lie down in my bed,” Mando says slowly, one hand trailing down, down, down your shivering back, “I’ll take good care of you too.”

And though the very idea of what that could mean has you ready to run down the ladder as fast as you can, you shake your head.

“I just want to go to sleep, Mando,” you tell him, “I’m tired. And I know you are too.”

Mando’s going to protest, he’s going to insist he pay you back, this much is made clear by the way his hands tighten around your hips. But you cut him off before his tongue can so much as form the words, pressing your chest against his, rolling your hips…

“But when you catch the quarry, we’ll do whatever you want. I said you could do anything to me, remember?”

The Mandalorian’s breath hitches, and you know then that you have him.

“This was a release,” you explain, ducking your head to press you lips to whatever skin you can. The helmet does a good job of concealing his jaw, but not every bit of his neck is hidden away. “That will be a celebration.”

Mando huffs through the modulator, though you think his discontent is all for show.

“Fine,” he concedes, “but you better be waiting for me in that fucking bed when I get back.”

[ga-yuu]

~Kurama~Main Story Chapter 21~

Before reading this story I suggest you read Kurama and Ibuki's past. Also I’m sorry for not putting any screenshots of the chapter, I accidently deleted it.

Chapter 20

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-------Part 1-------

After bathing, we returned to the temple in the mountains and started preparing for bed. Kurama: "Sleep well tonight. We have to leave early, tomorrow." Yoshino: ".....Mm." (It's just the two of us in the same room....now, I'm starting to get nervous....) I started blushing as I recall our time at the lake. I lay down in the corner of the room and used my haori to cover up. Yoshino: "Doesn't Kurama ever sleep?" Kurama: "You know, right? Demons don't need sleep, unlike humans." Yoshino: "I see...." Kurama: "Why are you making that face?" (Ah......) Suddenly Kurama came to my side and kneeled down to turn my face towards him. Kurama: "Is that an invitation to sleep together? Or...is it a plea to make love to you." As soon as I heard those words, my heart started beating fast. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1. What if, it is.....(+4/+4) 2. I don't care.... 3. Not at all... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yoshino: "......What if, it is?" I was so excited that I almost forgot how to breathe and pretended to be calm... Kurama: "Then, I'll fill your head and body with more pleasure than you can possibly imagine." Yoshino: "You know what, forget it." Kurama: "Then what do you want? What are you thinking?" Kurama's fingers caress my cheek in a compassionate manner. (You're not teasing me, right.....?) The touch of his palm that has the power to kill me in an instant was terribly gentle. That's why my heart is beating faster and faster because I can't get rid of it. Yoshino: "I was just feeling anxious." Kurama: "Anxious of what?" Yoshino: "It's just....Kurama will be awake while I'm sleeping, right? So I was anxious about embarrassing myself in front of you when I'm asleep. Like, what if I sleep talk or snore loudly...?" Kurama: ".........." Yoshino: "Oh, you're probably thinking, 'What a load of rubbish,' aren't you?" A hint of dismay flashed across Kurama's face. Kurama: "Ohh, I see you've learned to read my thoughts." (I was right....) Yoshino: "Of course, I know that Kurama isn't interested in seeing me asleep....But even so, it's embarrassing to know that you were watching me sleep." Kurama: "Stupid woman." Yoshino: "Stupid...?" I lightly looked at Kurama. Kurama: "Why do you think I'd be more interested if you went to the trouble of saying so?" (Ehh...) Yoshino: "No no way." Kurama: "Don't worry. I'll tell you tomorrow if you were drooling or not." Yoshino: "Hey!!!" (Wow!!) He gently pushed me down to the bed when I tried getting up. Then, his big hand covered my eyes. Kurama: "Sleep now." Kurama's deep voice was gentle in the darkness created. Kurama: "What I see of you now will never swoon me. I've seen you scared, in tears and.....also you're sultry face when I play with you." (...What are you...) The embarrassment never went away, but the mystery was compelling. Yoshino: "Indeed, I have always been my true self to Kurama." Kurama: "You're the only woman I've ever known who could be so brazen in front of me."

-------Part 2-------

Kurama: "You're the only woman I've ever known who could be so brazen in front of me." Yoshino: "Hehe...really? But..." (I feel like I can express my feelings more honestly now that I can't see Kurama's face.) Yoshino: "I just couldn't complete with Kurama, who was so much stronger and different than me. First I didn't want to be killed, then I wanted to be recognized.....and finally, I wanted to be equal." Kurama: "-----I see." Yoshino: "Mm....." I felt Kurama's other hand gently stroking my hair. (It feels good. I wish you would do it all the time.) I know that my wish wouldn't come true. We sharpen our awareness of the feeling that we may never be given again. Kurama: "-----Yoshino." Whether in a dream or not, I heard Kurama's voice calling my name. That was the last thing I remembered that night. When Kurama sees Yoshino starting to breathe slowly, he stops stroking her hair. Kurama: ".....Yoshino? You're already asleep." Her face was more innocent than usual. Kurama was sitting in crossed leg position, leaned forward, and looked at her with an insatiable gaze. Kurama: "What I see of you now will never swoon me" is what I said....why did I lie?" The smile on her face when she looks at something trivial, the peaceful look on her face when she sleeps. Those moments always touched Kurama's heart and will probably never go away. Kurama: "What is this...feeling?" (It's called love, dumbass!) Kurama put his hand to his chest in the darkness and raised an eyebrow.... ..................... ------Next day, early morning. Yoshino: "We're going to join up with the Rebel reinforcements, aren't we?" Kurama: "Yes." I was walking along with Kurama into the mountains. Kurama: "In half a day or so the reinforcements will arrive on the battlefield, and we'll make our way to a point where we can join them. It's a circuitous route, but it's easier to deceive the enemy if you go through the mountains. If we should meet any assassins, I will destroy them myself. If the Rebels and the Shogunate are to assemble, the Imperial Court will have gathered a number of pawns to oppose them." (There's no one more reliable than you to have on my side. But....) Kurama: "What? If you have something to say, say it." Yoshino: "Of course, I agree with the plan, but I thought it was a surprising decision for Kurama." (From what I've seen so far, Kurama could fly through the air and join up with the reinforcements at once and....) (He also said, he is going to find the enemy and beat them up...) I didn't have to explain myself to everyone, that I understood what he's trying to say. Then Kurama opens his mouth annoyingly. Kurama: "In the shadows of the marauders of the court are at least Yasuchika and Ibuki."

------Part 3------

Kurama: "In the shadows of the marauders of the court are at least Yasuchika and Ibuki. We don't know what they're up to, but it's easier to fight after making sure your safe." (You mean you've changed your normal ways because of me....?) Kurama, who is not stained by anyone else, is working for me. I didn't even know whether to be happy or horrified, so I just kept quiet. Kurama: "Wait!" (Hm?) Suddenly his hand blocks my way and my body stops. The air around Kurama was tense at once. Kurama: "Come on out----Ibuki!" Yoshino: "!!" In an instant, a blade of wind blows and cuts through the depths of the grove. Ibuki: ".....My my, that was scary. I could have died, you know." (Shuten Doji, Ibuki!) Ibuki walks towards us with a relaxed expression on his face, and despite his words, he is unharmed. Kurama: "How did you find out where we were?" Ibuki: "I was having a hard time because I lost the traces of your magic. I had no choice but to cry and beg Yasuchika to help me. He used some kind of astrology or something and here I am." (Yasuchika-san can do that too....? That guy is unbelievable.) Kurama: "Do you really think I'll believe that?" Ibuki: "You're right. You're the third person who I can't trick. But more importantly, what's your deal with her?" (Me....?) I squeezed my fingertips together and stared back into Ibuki's amused eyes. Kurama: "I don't have any business with her." Ibuki: "Really?" Ibuki raised one hand in the air as if it were an extension of small talk between friends. Ibuki: "Then, you won't mind if I take her, right?" Kurama: "----!! Come here." (This is!?) Something like a thunderbolt is running around Ibuki. The next moment----- Yoshino: "Kyaa!!" The roar was deafening and the light dazzled me with its intensity. At the same time, my body is already flying in the air, held by Kurama. Kurama: "Hold on tight." Yoshino: "Yes." I looked back and saw that the ground where we had been standing was scorched by the bolt of lightning. (This is Ibuki's power!?) Ibuki: "Oops, I missed." Once again, a bolt of lightning shot through the air, which Kurama avoided with me in his arms. We tried to go further up, but.... Kurama: "-----A barrier!" As if sensing an invisible wall, Kurama swooped down and clicked his tongue. Ibuki: "The only way to trap flying birds is to put it in a cage." (You mean, we're trapped in here, forever?) Ibuki: "Well, it won't last long---I'm afraid we'll have to settle for a short game, Kurama." Kurama: "I don't need to be told that I'm not going to have a long game with you." The air swirls and distorts noisily, and countless transparent blades head towards Ibuki. Ibuki: "Heh.....Hahaha...." Ibuki jumped to his feet, pulled out his greatsword, and thrust it hard into the ground. Then the sands of the earth flew up like a shield to protect Ibuki. (What is that!?) Yoshino: "I thought your power is thunder....how can you...?" Ibuki: "It is a simple application. The iron in the sand is attracted by my lightning power."

-------Part 4-------

Ibuki: "It is a simple application. The iron in the sand is attracted by my lightning power." Kurama: "Clever as ever." A flash of a fan sends a gust of wind so strong that it is impossible to stand properly and breaks the wall of sand. Ibuki: "...!" Behind the dust, blood trickled down Ibuki's shoulders and arms. (So much power....!) Ibuki: "I'm impressed you're this strong even after making a deal with a human. As expected of the Karasu Tengu, the quality and quantity of his abilities are far different from those of any other ordinary." Kurama: "Don't try to flatter me. The same goes for you too. But----" His red eyes sharply narrowed. Kurama: "Ibuki, you are sharing your power with someone. With whom?" Yoshino: "Eh..." Ibuki: "You're as intuitive as ever." Kurama: "I was wondering what you were doing with all that power...there's something wrong with the quality of your powers and the smell." Ibuki: "..............." Yoshino: "No way, Ibuki also made a deal....?" (However.) -----Tamamo told me that it was very rare for a demon to make a deal. (Because it halves their power by sharing it with humans.) (He said they don't make a deal with humans unless they like them very much.) Yoshino: "Maybe, Yasuchika-san.....?" Ibuki: "Wrong. Making a deal with an Onmyoji will cancel out each other's powers and we'll both destroy ourselves." (Then who....) Ibuki: "There's one more interesting person." Kurama: "Interesting, huh?" With me behind him, and Ibuki at a distance, Kurama continued calmly. Kurama: "Your powers had been subtly altered. I've never heard of anyone influencing the quality of the power cast by a demon." Ibuki: "You'll both meet each other soon enough. For now, watch me....okay?" Holding his greatsword above his head with one hand, Ibuki smiled wryly. Kurama: "Yoshino, get down." Yoshino: "I'll fight too. I can use my powers...." (I want to be an equal----because I want to be strong.) Kurama frowned but tried not to stop me anymore. Ibuki: "You two are so cute. But there's nothing more frightening than an impromptu fight." (Ah.....) A white flash of light comes from the sword, which is swung with ease. Kurama: "Yoshino!" I raised my hand towards him and Kurama holds me. (I'm scared, but.) (If we can't fight here, everything we've been worrying about will be for nothing!) (Please, lend me the power of the nine-tail fox!) Ibuki: "Let's see what you got."

-------Part 5------

Ibuki: "Let's see what you got." The golden dew rises and the palms of my hands become hot. But a series of thunderbolts were aimed at me again. Yoshino: "Nn...." (He's too strong. I can't take him on my own!) I was on the verge of being scorched and Kurama was quickly holding me and kicking the earth. Yoshino: "T-Thank you." Kurama: "You stay focused. I'll dodge and counterattack." Ibuki: "So you've changed your mind about making her as your toy? Kurama." The blades of the wind are caught and dodged one by one. Moving too fast for his height, Ibuki unexpectedly lifted a rock from the ground. Kurama: "...!" (Ngh.....) Ibuki: "Here we go." Without saying a word, Kurama hits the thrown rock with a tremendous wind and reduces its momentum, but----- The impact of the rock, which just barely missed the path of the direct hit, knocked me off my feet and sent me stumbling. Kurama: "Yoshino!" Ibuki: "There there." Kurama: "Nn...ha..." A flash of lightning burned Kurama's arm as he brought me to my feet. Yoshino: "Kurama!" Kurama: "It doesn't matter..." (You got hurt because of me...) I bit my lips when I see Kurama covering me up with his bleeding hand. Ibuki: "You can counteract the ability, but you can't prevent a direct attack. A mixture of powers and brute strength will be enough to counteract it. Too bad, huh? Yoshino." (I know....the weakness of my fox power is that I can't fight alone. But....) Yoshino: "I can't believe this..." I look at the rocks on the ground and mutter. Ibuki: "There's nothing to be surprised about. Demons are known for their strength." Kurama: "If you

want to show off, do it somewhere else." Ibuki: "Don't be so sure, Karasu Tengu must also have things to be proud of, right?" Ibuki grumbled as a wall of sand barely blocked the deadly wind. Ibuki: "Karasu Tengu is not only powerful, but they are also fast and use their wings to attack in all directions. But Kurama, unfortunately with Yoshino in your arms, you've been denied that advantage." (Ah.....) Kurama: "..........." I looked up Kurama without thinking of the strong wind. Ibuki: "Is this your first time fighting for someone?----Boy, you look like you're having a hard time." Kurama: "Shut up." (....I knew. I knew I was slowing down Kurama.) Ibuki's shield, a wall of sand, collapsed with the blade of the wind. Ibuki kicked the ground in spite of this. Ibuki: "I love to hear you calling me 'Oni-san' again..." A whirlpool of wind flies in pursuit of it, and the dust again stands in the way, moving as if trying to swallow it up. Ibuki: "You're weak now, Kurama. In the old days, you had a chance to win against me." (Be careful!) In a single breath, Ibuki's sword swung down on Kurama. Kurama: "----You don't get to tell me about my past." The heavy blow was caught by Kurama's iron fan. But he was pushed by the great force----- (It is because he got hurt earlier....?) Ibuki: "Didn't I tell you? Kurama. The weaklings are destined to die at the feet of stronger ones. I'll remind you of the humiliation of being taken from you by force." Kurama: "Nn...." (What!?) The sword and the fan touched each other with a crisp sound, and blue-white sparks flew from them. The impact created a momentary gap and Ibuki slashed Kurama across the shoulder. Yoshino: "Kurama!" Fresh blood dripped down and stained Kurama's kimono. (......I can't believe that Kurama is so hurt.) Kurama: "----A different kind of power wrapped in the golden air. Depressing as ever." Ibuki: "You know me too well. Well, I did raise you with these hands. Oh, by the way, Kurama....do you remember a promise I made a long time ago? That, one day you'll have someone you care about, and I'll break them with my own hands." The tip of Ibuki's sword, raised in laughter, was suddenly pointed at me. (Eh....) Ibuki: "That time has come." Kurama: "Stop! Ibuki-----" Yoshino: "......!!" Kurama pushes me and I fall to the ground. The next moment, I felt a splash of blood on my face. I realized it was Kurama's blood. Yoshino: "Kurama...what..." Kurama: "Nn.....Didn't I order you not to get scratched by other men?" Chapter 22

[dralf0yy]

Wedding Bells || 2 || F.W x Reader

A/N: I AM SO SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO GET THIS UP BUT ITS FINALLY HERE AAAA!! If i’m being honest, I’m not a big fan of the way I ended this bc it felt rlly unfinished but I felt the need to get it up as soon as I could. I hope you guys enjoy and sorry for the long ass wait 🥺

Word count: 1.6K (aaa she’s a bit sh0rt)

Part 1

Fred landed at the beach just outside his aunt’s old cottage.

The place he proposed to you

The weather was unironically cloudy and cold—identical to the way he felt.

Chills ran up Fred’s spine as he wandered around the beach, taking in the beautiful, calming scene around him. It reminded him of you. More specifically the way you were always remarkably gorgeous without effort, even in your darkest moments, and the way you soothed him with your embrace and kind, loving words.

It made Fred hate himself for abandoning you. You were fragile and even the smallest inconveniences would chip away parts of you that made you happy and whole. Everyone,especially Fred, knew this. He knew that you had cracked when the war broke out and he almost died. And he knew that this time, you had completely shattered, and it was all his fault.

He made his way up the sandy hills, marching through some of the long grass that had sprouted up and halted when he had reached the top. His eyes fluttered closed as he inhaled the salty scent of the ocean, thinking of the day he proposed

One year ago

“Fred where are you taking me?” You giggled as you trailed behind Fred with your hand intertwined with his.

The two of you, and George, had been helping Bill and Fleur fix up their aunt’s old cottage. It had been a long, hard day of redecorating and repainting and the sun was almost completely set

“You’ll see soon enough my love. We’re almost there.. Okay now close your eyes and wait here for a few seconds”

You nodded in response and heard Fred’s soft footsteps shuffling around in the sand. You shifted your weight back and forth between your left and right foot and giggled when you heard your boyfriend curse at the sand under his breath

After a few more seconds of shuffling, you heard Fred whisper

“You can open your eyes now, love”

Your eyes fluttered open slowly and you expected to see his face inches from yours but much to your surprise, he was on one knee clutching a small, black velvet box that fit perfectly in the palm of his hand with a heart shape dug into the sand surrounding the two of you. Fred steadied himself and gazed up into your eyes

“Y/n, these past 6 years with you have been unbelievably amazing. You have shown me what love and true happiness feels like and I will be forever grateful for that. There is no one else I would rather have by my side for the rest of my life, besides George of course,” He joked as a tear cascaded down your cheek

“no one else that I would rather give my love to, wake up next to every morning, have lots of little Weasleys with, and no one else that I would rather marry than you. And the war last year made me realise that I didn’t wanna wait any longer for this. So, Y/n Y/m/n Y/l/n.. Will you marry me?”

Tears of joy were now uncontrollably streaming down both your cheeks as you chuckled and silently—but enthusiastically— nodded your head

“Yes! A million times yes!” You exclaimed and pulled Fred up, bringing your hands around the back of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss that was so full of love and passion that it made his head spin

Present

Fred let out a loud, broken sob and collapsed onto his knees remembering the memory that had once made him so ecstatic. He stayed there with his face buried in his hands for what seemed like hours while mumbling ‘I’m so sorry’ repeatedly to the empty space in front of him

Fred lifted his head back up and the sun was barely visible on the horizon.The sky had slightly cleared in the few hours that he had been there and it became a flurry of yellow, orange, purple and pink streaks.

It was a beautiful image. It was one that you wished you could share with your dearest loved ones when things were bad. It gave Fred the a sense of calmness that he needed to clear his head

“I’m gonna make this right” He stated and disapparated back to the Burrow

***

“Here Y/n/n, have some cake, love” George offered to you. A grateful grin appeared on your face as you took the small, fragile plate with a slice of cake on it from him carefully and snuggled into his side. You sighed tiredly as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders

“Something on your mind?”

“Well.. I’m just worried Georgie. What if he’s done something reckless and got hurt or can’t get back to us—?”

“Don’t worry, love I’m right here” Both your heads turned towards the front door, and there, stood the one and only, Fred Weasley

You immediately sprung off the couch and out of George’s embrace, dropping the plate of cake in the process, and ran towards Fred. You jumped on him, wrapping your legs around his waist, and buried your face in the crook of his neck.

“Oh my Godric! You’re okay” You squeaked and hugged him tighter. He let out a quiet chuckle and gave you a kiss on the top of your head before setting you back down on the ground. He looked at you with a faint smile on his face, looking as if he was trying not to break again

He didn’t manage to keep the facade up for very long. He pulled you into his chest and burst into tears. Through his fit of sobs, you could hear him choke out an apology

“Shh it’s okay, Fred. We don’t have to talk about this right now..” You cooed soothingly—but slightly muffled— into his chest. You pulled away to look up at his face

“How about you head up for tonight? We can talk in the morning” Fred nodded and started to trail off towards the stairs with your hand wrapped inside his but stopped when he realised you weren’t moving

“A- Are you not coming up with me?” he hiccuped. You opened your mouth to answer but George beat you to it

“Actually Y/n, I think you better head off to bed. I need to talk to Fred”

Too tired to protest, you muttered an ‘okay’ and tread up the creaky stairs of the Burrow leaving the twins alone to talk.

Fred awkwardly stood in the room and rocked back and forth on his feet looking anywhere but at George who was patiently waiting for you to be out of earshot

“I’ll get straight to the point,” He snapped, “I hope you’ve acknowledged that you messed up, Fred. Y/n spent the last 5 hours crying and worrying about you, wondering what she could’ve done wrong for you to walk out on her like that—”

“She didn’t—”

“I KNOW SHE DIDN’T,” George sighed in frustration, “I’ve tried to mend her as much as I could, but the rest is up to you. She’s like a sister to me and I don’t wanna lose her because of something stupid that you did to hurt her. Now go up there and make it up to her and don’t ever take an amazing person like her for granted— because we both know that Y/n won’t give you a 3rd chance”

Fred nodded and trailed up the stairs towards his childhood bedroom, not knowing how to respond as it was a little unusual to see George so serious and worked up about something.

Fred quietly pushed the door open, expecting you to be asleep and not wanting to wake you. He stepped in and felt his heart ache at the sight of you curled up in George’s bed with tears streaming down your face, with muffled hiccups coming from you and clutching onto one of Fred’s christmas sweaters, staring at the floor

You peered up towards the doorway where Fred was standing. Your teary gaze shifted back to the floor next to a small mound of clothing. Your hushed hiccups ceased and the room was filled with deafening silence

Fred’s shoes came into your line of sight and his hand made contact with your shoulder.

“D’you wanna move over to my bed, love?” He whispered gently. You lazily nodded your head and sat up. You made your way over to Fred’s bed and hesitantly lied down on the edge of the mattress. A deep sigh left Fred’s lips as mattress dipped next to you

You unhurriedly shifted around and stared into Fred’s cinnamon coloured eyes with your own Y/e/c orbs. You noticed that they were bloodshot and slightly puffy, but nevertheless, they were still as enchanting as always.

You cast your gaze down towards the pillow, taking a deep and shaky breath. “Be honest,” You said in a voice that was barely a whisper, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No!” Fred exclaimed suddenly, making you jump, “Sorry I- No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just—I was being a git and I was just doubting everything, you know? I was.. I was anxious that you didn’t really wanna marry me or that I wasn’t actually ready” he said in a quieter voice.

You nodded and sighed, succumbing to the warmth of Fred’s chest and absorbed what he just confessed.

You decided to leave a lot of things unsaid. Knowing that he was willing to come back and make things right again was enough for you to give him another chance—though you knew you would no matter what he had done anyway.

The familiar sound of Fred’s heartbeat reminded you that he was there, and there for good, along with the feeling of his arms tightening around your frame and your entangling legs. Things were at a fair balance once again, and the two of you couldn’t be more content with your journey of love

***

Main Taglist: @paigeyisme @slytherinlovesgryffindor @cleopatera @accio-rogers @beacosta27 @anyasthoughts

Wedding Bells Taglist: @wand3ringr0s3 @angel-of-blue @stuckindilemma @angstywhore @imdixonsangel @girl22334 @gredandforges @dorothyofcosta @drvcopotter

Fred & George Taglist: @thisuserlovesyouandyouandyou

[appleflavoredkitkats]

stagnant;

author’s note: been a while! this isn't as long as my other fics, but i wanted to write this because i just like the concept of fundy in las nevadas, okay? and smoke breaks. i love writing smoke breaks. and of course, i will be writing about fundy because i am biased and he deserves better lmao. this is all written before the las nevadas arc ever occurs, so if there are any discrepancies by the time las nevadas finishes, that ain't my fault.

also! all of this is platonic! i view schlatt as fundy's other father figure. for quackity, i don't necessarily view him as 100% manipulative towards fundy and schlatt, but you're free to interpret him in any way you want. and yes, i know the situation about schlatt, and i don't support the actions of the cc, but i do enjoy his dsmp character nonetheless.

DO NOT SEND THIS FIC TO ANY CONTENT CREATOR!! be nice!!

laslty, special thanks to my good friend dany from the dsmpanalysis discord server for beta-ing my fic!

relationships: platonic fundy & schlatt (father-son relationship)

warnings: trauma, smoking, gambling, drinking, alcoholism, substance abuse, self-harm (accidentally burning oneself), slight mentions of fire, parental neglect (from wilbur), unhealthy coping mechanisms, implied depression or mental illness, mental health struggles, addiction, references to past violence, death idealization, underaged gambling, arguments (in the background), and general angst!

word count: 1878

summary: fundy closes his eyes, taps on the quartz again, and leans forward on the metal bars of his balcony. he lets out another puff of smoke as he sinks into the lax atmosphere. he gives into the fantasy, the delusion.

a second pair of footsteps are then heard behind fundy, but even then, fundy doesn’t move from his position. he knows who it is anyway— there are only two or three people who had access to the five-star suites on the last floor, and only one of them frequents his room often.

“you know, smoking’s bad for your health,” schlatt tells him with a half-smirk.

or, it's midnight in las nevadas, and fundy has a smoke break with schlatt. he reflects on the state of the server, and he reflects on himself.

( ao3 link )

a click of a lighter, the tapping of dress shoes against chiseled quartz, the rummaging of pockets to fetch another fresh pack of cigs. his paws work automatically: slicing the plastic cover with his claws, fumbling the top open, and finally selecting a cigarette from the batch, twirling it between his fingers to the sound of muffled, jazzy tunes in the background.

with the smoke in between his sharp fangs, he guides the lighter to the end of the stick. there’s a deep inhale, letting the smoke fizzle into his lungs, latching onto every feeling of remorse, regret, guilt, sadness, pain, hurt, trauma, everything— 

and fundy exhales, all of those icky sensations evaporating into misty smoke.

this cycle of mindless smoking continues as fundy stands idly on his hotel room’s balcony. up ten stories high, fundy looms over almost everything in las nevadas. despite it being midnight, las nevadas’ visitors never relent. from above, staring with droopy eyes, fundy sees all four casinos lit up brighter than a neighbourhood during the holidays. no bulbs malfunction, thankfully; all of them flicker and twinkle as if there was something to celebrate about in this place full of deceit and temporary bliss. the bars, while more mellow, have the calmest of tunes blasting from their jukeboxes. when fundy first started working here, he remembers being fond of upbeat tunes like these, but they’ve quickly grown stale, or maybe fundy’s just grown tone deaf overtime. who knows?

everything about this place grows on fundy like a terrible rash. sometimes, he does enjoy the outgoing crowds and customers, but sometimes, the noise overwhelms him— ear-piercing, annoying, inharmonious. so, he ends up in places like his dishevelled room, unkempt from all the alcohol and exhaustion and the fact that he just doesn’t  want to give a fuck anymore. but as much as his room is reminiscent of the rubble he left in his original base, he at least feels at ease with the sounds he hears from above. there is the same jazz music, the same victorious yelling at jackpots, the same rolling from the slot machines, but it’s in diminuendo. 

it’s a symphony fundy will willingly listen to because he feels like he can separate himself from the chaos present downstairs. when he is with the others, when he serves tequila shots and shuffled decks, he feels like he is at the center of his own friends’ descent but from his own bedroom, he can pretend that he is fine, that everything is fine. he can live in the delusion that his friends are shouting from a well-deserved victory when deep in the back of his head, he knows that they’ve gotten inexplicably attached to machinery that he knows is programmed to bring about their demise.

fundy closes his eyes, taps on the quartz again, and leans forward on the metal bars of his balcony. he lets out another puff of smoke as he sinks into the lax atmosphere. he gives into the fantasy, the delusion.

a second pair of footsteps is then heard behind fundy, but even then, he doesn’t move from his position. he knows who it is anyway— there are only two or three people who had access to the five-star suites on the last floor, and only one of them frequents his room often.

the guy who enters pats his back twice gently as a greeting, settling himself next to fundy. fundy averts his gaze from the saturated lights to look at the goat hybrid. with a newly tailored suit and freshly manicured horns, schlatt has never looked more dapper, but his skin was still heavily scarred and immensely graying. 

“you know, smoking’s bad for your health,” schlatt tells him with a half-smirk. fundy lowers the smoke, coughing a little before raising an incredulous eyebrow at schlatt.

“i learned from the worst,” fundy replies as his free hand shuffles through his pockets, holding out the box of smokes for schlatt to get one for himself. fundy doesn’t need to ask schlatt if he has his own lighter; he somehow always does. he’s been used to his mannerisms ever since a darkened flag with glowing, orange lace loomed over a dying country.

schlatt easily raises the smoke to his chapped lips and lights it easily. he falls into the rhythm of the scenery, slouching against the metal railings as he watches the same fluorescent bulbs fundy had been watching. 

moments like these, no matter how incredibly fucked they are, are the closest fundy can get to tasting peace. his father once described peace as a taste of freedom. it is the image of bright-eyed soldiers under swathes of redwood trees, free from the shackles of tyranny and violence their oppressors have imposed on them.

but fundy knows, as always, that his father is a liar, because at this very moment, fundy connects the concept of peace with the disgusting taste of smoke.

it is a habit he’s picked up from a man he’d once considered perfect. back when the server first hit its grayest of days, sometimes fundy’s claws had itched to strike a match, to spark stones. the scorching blaze igniting was the most colorful thing  he’d had in that wasteland of grey. he’d kept doing it more and more and more, until his own fur and skin burned and he realized that he too is graying like the place he called home. when schlatt had first discovered it, fundy remembers a lot of talking—all kind, kind words that have tarnished his perception on what a caring guardian, or a father, may be—and then, out of the blue, fundy asks for a smoke. while a confused eyebrow quirks, schlatt gives him one to try out, saying that there is a first time for everything, especially since their lives have been as mundane as they possibly can be.

and here fundy is now, able to finish an entire pack in the span of a few days as if it is a part of his diet. 

but if all this substance abuse and addiction and self-sabotage and self-deprecation have become so widespread in the server, so normalized, would one even consider it awful? if everyone is traumatized or hurt, does the concept of trauma even exist in the first place?

“you know, i— don’t take this the wrong way, but i thought that you would be much happier to see all your friends reunited,” schlatt speaks, fingers gesturing to tiny specks on the ground that move in sync with the jazz. fundy hums non-committedly as a reply, not really knowing what to say. 

“well, sucks to be you, i guess. mopey ass,” schlatt jokes with the same half-smirk he uses whenever fundy is notably graying like he did in the past. fundy chuckles at it, at least, but his shoulders droop immediately after. the smallest bouts of happiness and joy make him unbelievably tired nowadays.

fundy attempts to lift his smoke again to his lips, but surprisingly, schlatt interrupts, forcing fundy to lower his arm. fundy stares at him acutely with furrowed brows. “fundy, i—” schlatt begins, and his lighthearted expression dwindles into something much more anxious and apprehensive. schlatt clears his throat and continues, “fundy, kid, i know i’m not the type to get all grossly emotional and whatnot—that’s more of tubbo’s thing—but you have to listen to me when i say that you need to leave.” schlatt grips fundy’s forearm now, firm yet slightly shaking. “kid, you’re not healthy here. it’s— you— this—” schlatt gestures towards the buildings, the lights, the entire shithole that they are stuck in, “this is not somewhere you need to be. you need to leave when you can.”

fundy blinks, and then he blinks once more before his free hand shrugs off schlatt’s grip. he returns to his original position of leaning against the railing, and through the reflection of the cold metal, fundy can see the unpleasant surprise on schlatt’s face transform into something more defeated. a pregnant silence precedes a long, exasperated sigh from schlatt. the edges of fundy’s lips slightly curve downwards.

“well, it would be easier if it weren’t for the fact that i literally have nowhere else to go,” fundy replies monotonously, as if this statement is something he’s rehearsed several times before. “i’ve hit rock bottom, schlatt. i have nothing else to lose,” fundy continues, huffing out a melancholic chuckle. he doesn’t think this situation he’s stuck in is anything comedic, but it sure is amusing how his life has continuously spiralled further and further for the past five years. he’s amused by the fact that he is still very much alive and breathing by this point despite the—fundy looks at his half-finished cigarette, the livid circles under his eyes, his furrowing ears as being exposed to multiple explosions has caused a permanent, high-pitched sound to ring in them sporadically—small, little missteps. 

it’s quiet again as schlatt stares at fundy uncomfortably. “you’re really out here wishing for god to strike you dead in front of a dead man— how very respectful of you,” schlatt replies sarcastically. fundy knows schlatt only wants to lighten up the mood. schlatt has been very persistent in helping fundy find the brighter side of things for a while, but lately, they’ve fallen flat. is schlatt’s eloquence gradually deteriorating, or is it fundy who’s only gotten more numb towards schlatt?

fundy doesn’t know, and both possibilities are undesirable, really, so fundy decides to speak. “i’m sorry,” fundy says, and he doesn’t know if it is for himself or for schlatt. maybe it’s for the both of them.

schlatt’s look softens, and he raises his free palm to grip fundy’s shoulder, thumbing it for comfort. a part of fundy wants to sob, to cry, but he chokes all his tears back with an inhale of smoke. “i’m sorry too,” schlatt murmurs, his voice the softest and the most caring it has ever been. when fundy exhales, he can feel tears prick the corners of his eyes as schlatt continues, “you deserve better.”

fundy hums and his eyes trail downwards to gaze at las nevadas’ visitors once more. he spots ranboo, possibly exhausted judging by his sloppy movements, forcefully pulling a crazed tubbo from a slot machine. fundy remembers that inside, he has seen purpled, foolish, and puffy shout over a simple card, a two of clubs, arguing on whether they should split the fifteen stacks of diamonds or not. he remembers finding sam outside the bar next to the trash bins downing his own personal bottles of alcohol, gripping tightly on a withered rose as he sobs uncontrollably. at the side, he can now see a distressed bad and ant incessantly begging the blackjack booths to accept their territory offers as they’ve lost all their possessions to far too many rounds of roulette wheels and texas hold’ems. he also spots a jovial yet sly quackity skipping through the streets energetically as a stern techno and phil trail behind him, ready to smite anyone who dares terrorize the place. 

and lastly, he stares away from the crowds and returns to gaze at schlatt—tired eyes, frayed hair, drying skin—with a bittersweet smile. fundy replies, “i think we all do.”

[nordleuchten]

heyy, gm/gn wherever you are!

So, I'd like to know Adrienne and Gilbert dealt with her being sick during their imprisonment in Olmutz? And also, how were their daughters during all of that??

Thank youu :)

Hello msrandonstuff,

Thank you, it was actually morning for me, when I read your message.

Adrienne’s time in prison and her health are best described by her daughter Virginie in the book that the two women co-wrote (each of them wrote about their mother respectively). In the second half (Virginie’s half) of Life of Madame de Lafayette we can read the following:

As might have been expected, my mother's health had suffered much. The sudden passage from the most violent agitations to the most sedentary life, for we had neither air nor exercise, all contributed to give her an illness which declared itself a few months after our arrival. Never did she show more meritorious submission to my father's wishes, than when she determined to write to the Emperor for permission to go and consult the doctors at Vienna. She only consented to do so in the hopes of being of use to the prisoners'. At the end of seven weeks the Commander of Olmütz, who had not yet visited her in prison, came to intimate a verbal refusal to leave it, unless she gave up all hopes of returning. He asked at the same time for a written answer. It was soon made.

Adrienne’s written answer was:

April, 4th 1796.

The Commander of Olmütz having declared to me that, on my request to go for a week to Vienna in order to consult the doctors, His Imperial Majesty does not permit me, under any pretence whatever to go to Vienna, and only allows me to leave this prison on condition never to enter it again, I have the honor here to renew my answer. It was my duty towards my family and friends to try and obtain the advice necessary for my health, but they well know that I cannot accept the conditions offered to me. I cannot forget that while we were both on the eve of perishing, I through the tyranny of Robespierre, M. de Lafayette through the physical and moral sufferings of his captivity, I was neither allowed to receive any accounts of him, nor to let him know that his children and I were still alive. I shall not expose myself to the horrors of another separation.

Therefore, whatever may be the state of my health, or the hardships of this abode for my daughters, we shall all three take advantage of His Imperial Majesty's goodness in allowing us to share this captivity in all its details.

Noailles Lafayette.

The letter that Adrienne send to the Emperor is also printed in the book:

Olmütz, February 6th 1796

Sir,

Had I sooner been given leave to write, I should long since have offered my grateful thanks to Your Imperial Majesty for having permitted us to share the captivity of one so dear. To these thanks, Sir, I shall add no details on M. de Lafayette's condition, however different it may be from what I imagined on leaving Your Majesty's presence; to my great regret, I shall only speak of myself. My health, impaired by sufferings and misfortunes, my duty towards those who are still left to me in this world, constrain me to solicit permission to go for some days to Vienna, leaving my daughters with their father, in order to consult doctors on my state. I should not have importuned Your Majesty with this request, had I not been told that it could only be granted by Yourself.

I entreat, etc.

Continuing in her daughters book, we can read:

My mother's illness made rapid progress. The doctor was only allowed to see her a moment during the officer's visit. Being ignorant of the French language, he could not understand her, but would express in Latin his fears to my father. She had a violent eruption, first on her arms, which swelled in such a manner that she could neither make use of them nor lift them up, and afterwards on her legs. Fever scarcely ever left her. This state lasted eleven months, from October 1796, till September 1797. During these eleven months no alleviation of the prison treatment was obtained. She had not even an armchair. Her sufferings did not in the least impair her spirits. Seeing her always serene, always enjoying my father's company and the consolations she had brought with her, we were all less anxious than we ought to have been. This explains how, save in the beginning of the illness, we found pleasure in our quiet life.

As we can see, there was not an awful lot that either Adrienne or La Fayette could possible do. We see from Virginie’s writing (but also from other statements) that La Fayette urged and pleaded with Adrienne that she should leave with their daughters but Adrienne (and Anastasie and Virginie) refused and I think at a certain point in time La Fayette just gave up trying. Their company brought him an immense relief and a great deal of comfort after all.

The question remains, why was Adrienne not permitted to visit the doctors in Vienna and than to simply return to the prison? After all, she and her daughters had been already granted access. The answer is, the woman’s presence shed a very bad light on the Austrians. La Fayette had been imprisoned, without actual charges, but he was a men, he was a soldier, a revolutionary – Austria could find ways to justify his imprisonment. But Adrienne, Virginie and Anastasie were woman, young children, they were pious and virtuous woman of noble birth, sharing their husband and fathers captivity despite their own sufferings – that caused quite a stir in Europe at the time and I think the Emperor was happy for very change to get them out of his prison without making himself looking even worse.

As to Virginie’s and Anastasie’s health, it seems as if they did rather well. In his first letter to Washington after being released from prison, La Fayette writes on October 6, 1797:

My own Health, altho it is Impaird, Could, I think, tolerably Support a Voyage [to America] —My daughters are not ill—But Mrs Lafayette’s Sufferings in this Cruel UnHealthy Captivity Have Had Such a deplorable effect Upon Her, that in the opinion of Every phisician, and Every Man of Sense, it Would Be an Act of Madness to Let Her embark at this Advanced Season of the Year (...)

Most other accounts agree with that narrative. Adrienne was seriously ill, La Fayette was not well but ultimately fine and their daughters were healthy. I have only ever come across one account that said that one of the two sisters was ill as well, without going into detail which one. I think that account was from one of their aunts but I can not remember, I am sorry!

It is however highly unbelievable that Virginia and Anastasie never once did fell ill during their time in prison. Even their “luxury-treatment” (the guard had an awful lot of pity for them) was terrible but their illnesses were probably never long-lasting or overly concerning.

I hope that could answer your question and I hope you had/have an amazing day!

[writing-fool]

mlqc | like it’s a bad thing pt. 1

I think these are ‘fighting’ scenarios, but I’m not 100% sure at this point. It’s like a ‘relationship on the cliffs’ thing. Pt. 1 for Victor and Shaw because I noticed these were getting a tad long. And they kind of carry the same theme, I guess. Wanted to include Lucien, but I ended up not being able to finish his for now...so if I make the next part, he’ll probably be on there.

I’m still working on a hp!au for Victor, but that may take a while since the inspiration doesn’t seem to be arriving anytime soon. It’s all been a bit tough, sorry. I say this all the time, but I apologise for the lack of fics; my writing pace’s been slow.

As always, enjoy the read!

Love,

R.

Warning(s): slight angst, profanity, mention of mature content.

Victor

You love Victor. You really do. But sometimes, just sometimes you wonder why you put up with this man and his bullshit. A great downside to being involved both romantically and professionally is that those types of relationships tend to bleed into one another. This could be in the form of an office quickie...or something a lot less fun. 

On the outside, Victor may seem put together, but you know him well enough by now that this month has been incredibly stressful for him. But so has it been for you. Safe to say, it’s been tense, even at home. Victor’s constant nagging about work performance and his snide comments at your so-called slacking off have pushed you to the breaking point, and you’re really not going to sit there and take it today.

“Do you even understand what I’m saying? LFG can’t move forward with your company if you continue working at this inefficient pace. You, as the head of a company, should know how to improve the quality and efficiency of your work.”

You sigh, not taking your eyes off of the laptop in front of you as Victor exasperatedly throws another one of your proposals on the coffee table. “I get it. Just give me some time.” You rub your temples, getting back to your own work.

“Do you? It doesn’t seem like you get the point here. You. Do. Not. Have. Time,” he harshly points out.

“You know you’re able to manipulate time, right?” You raise an eyebrow and look up at his unamused face. 

“I can’t favour you like this. Did you really think I was going to stop time to solve your inefficiency problem? You can’t rely on others all the time. A company that can’t pull itself up is use—” 

Something in you snaps at that very moment. “I get it. We’re useless, inefficient, and we’re so lucky LFG is even willing to support this failing company. I’m a useless boss, I can’t do anything right, I’m leeching off of my rich, CEO boyfriend to get ahead, I fucked my way to the top, whatever. Tell me something I don’t know,” you snarl, slamming your laptop shut with a resounding snap.

“You know that’s not what I’m saying.” Victor’s glaring now, sharp, stormy eyes boring into yours.

“Oh, do I?” you mimic his words, narrowing your eyes, “Because you sure don’t seem to tell me otherwise. I can’t read minds, Victor, and all I hear from your mouth are insults telling me how incapable I am as a boss. So pray tell, how am I supposed to think I deserve my job when not only the entire business world, but also my own fucking boyfriend tells me I don’t?”

Victor’s clearly taking aback by your sudden outburst, but his need to get his point across in this argument seems to win over the instinct to lighten your mood at this very moment. “First of all, I don’t know why you care what others say—”

“Because I’m human! Maybe you don’t think of people calling you names anymore because they’re lost in the sea of people literally grovelling at your feet, but I’m not you,” you rub your temples again, voice lowering as the mental exhaustion kicks in.

“I don’t know if I can live like this anymore. Fuck Victor, you make me feel like a failure and you just don’t seem to care.” You push past his stunned form and head to the bedroom.

“Sleep in your office if all you care about is work.” You glance back at him for the last time before slamming the bedroom door shut.

Victor messed up. Royally. He didn’t mean to take his stress and anger out on you and he definitely didn’t mean to act like your boss at home. 

He’s been trying to get back to work for the past two hours while giving you some space, but the lingering guilt and worry in the back of his mind prevent him from actually doing anything productive. What if you really meant it? What if this is it? He can’t lose you just because he acted like an idiot. Victor’s always assumed you knew he cherished you more than anything in the world...but maybe he’s been neglecting you as a partner.

With a steel resolve to make it right, Victor leaves his home office and walks to your shared bedroom. The light from the hallway streams in as he opens the door, illuminating your sleeping figure. You’re curled in on yourself in a protective, almost guarded way, something you never do (you’re usually the kind of sleeper that has their limbs flopping everywhere on the bed). Victor feels a sharp pang in his heart at the notion of seeing you look this broken...because of him.

Gently, as to not wake you, he shuffles to the dresser, carefully taking off his shirt and folding it over a chair. After sufficiently (un)dressing himself, he slides under the sheets. 

Victor tentatively reaches a hand over to touch your arm, only to feel you turn away from his touch. Instead of pulling his hand back, Victor brings his hand around your waist, pulling you flush against his bare chest.

You’re awoken by the sudden movement, and in your sleepy state, you lean back into the warmth surrounding you.

Victor’s breath grazes your ear as he whispers. “I’m sorry.” Hm?

Your mind slowly registers that the warmth is, in fact, caused by Victor’s body heat, and more importantly, that you’re still very much upset with him. You struggle to get out of his grip, but that only seems to tighten the hold Victor has on you.

“Don’t. Stay with me,” he pleads, voice tinged with despair. You’ve never seen him this vulnerable before. You still your actions, instead opting to turn around to face Victor.

“I don’t know if this is what I want,” you speak up after a long moment of silence, “I love you, but I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship where I’m not welcomed.”

“Do you feel like you’re stuck here?” Victor asks.

You avoid his gaze. “I’m not sure. It’s not all your fault, but I do wonder whether you stopped caring about me sometimes. You’ve been so harsh to me, lately.”

“I didn’t, I never stopped caring,” Victor takes your hand in his left one, interlacing your fingers, “But I understand that I’ve made you feel insecure and uncared for. I never wanted to make you feel worthless, but I’ve gone too far this time, haven’t I?”

A mirthless chuckle escapes your mouth. “That’s an understatement,” you quip.

You expect Victor to retort back with something mean, revert to his distant self (at least, to the distant person he’s become this month), but instead, he gently cups your cheek with his right hand, raising your face up to look at him again.

A soft kiss is placed on your forehead. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to be less harsh, and I’ll do anything it takes for you to forgive me. I’ll fix it all, your insecurities, your anxiousness. So give me one more chance, please. Let me fix it.” Victor’s beautiful grey eyes look into yours, sadness apparent on his face. You lie there for a long while, staring into his sombre eyes in silence.

“You’ll do anything?” you finally ask in curiosity. A resolute nod is your answer. “Even stop talking about work at home?” Victor nods again. You pause for a while, contemplating your next request. “...And take me to Souvenir and make me pudding every day?”

Victor snorts. “That’s the least I can do, dummy,” he chuckles lightly. Suddenly, his eyes widen. “I don’t mean you’re dumb. I just—”

Your soft giggle breaks his anxious ramble, and Victor feels like he’s just won the biggest prize at the lottery. “Just this is fine,” you whisper, “I thought it’d take longer for me to forgive you. But for some reason...I’m just happy to see your old self again.”

Victor sighs, pulling you closer. He presses his lips onto the crown of your head, inhaling deeply. “Dummy, don’t be so kind to me. I won’t know what to do,” he mumbles, relishing in the dark quiet of your bedroom. Truth is, he probably never knows what to do when it comes to you.

“You just have to love me, that’s all,” you pull your hand out of his, instead hooking your pinkies together, “No take-backsies.”

He rolls his eyes at your antics, a fond expression betraying the lack of annoyance behind the gesture. His pinky finger curls around yours ever so slightly, as if it’s desperate to hold onto yours. As if he’s desperate to hold onto you. 

“No take-backsies.”

Shaw

“Not again,” you growl under your breath.

Shaw’s always been popular with the ladies, the gents, and the non-binary friends. Which is fine, it’s fine. You’re not a jealous person. You’ve dealt with people asking him out, people asking him if he was a celebrity and making you take pictures of him and some other person on a date, older ladies in your family groping him whenever you bring him to a family function (which really, isn’t about jealousy. You got mad, rightfully so, because they were harassing him). You can’t even remember how many times one of his campus students has confessed to him. With you right next to him at the table! Is it that unbelievable that I’m his significant other?

But too far is too far.

You walked into the fancy nightclub tonight, expecting to get a drink or two in your system, let loose with Shaw for a couple of hours, drag his drunk ass home and cuddle in bed. Not this. 

The moment you walk in, you spot Shaw’s lavender coloured mop of hair sticking out over one of the booths. But he’s not alone, oh no. He’s surrounded by young men and women fawning over him like he’s some kind of celebrity or host club guest. And even though he looks a little bored, he’s not exactly bothered by the attention he’s getting. Because of course he isn’t. The moment his eyes land on you though, he looks you up and down appreciatively before shooting you a challenging smirk. He reaches over to a long-haired girl next to him, lazily fingering a lock of her hair. She looks up at him with a coy smile, but his amber eyes are fixed on yours, gauging your reaction. Oh, so he wants me to come over? Play the little jealous significant other? Hah! Not today, boy. I didn’t come here to play games. 

You raise an eyebrow, a visibly annoyed expression showing on your face. Instead of heading in his direction, you strut to the bar, shoes tapping rhythmically on the floor. I look hot, I feel hot, and I need a fucking drink. 

You order a bourbon on the rocks, gulping down a large sip of the beverage a soon as it gets to you. Bourbon is made to be savoured. You hear Victor’s voice resounding in your mind from the time he taught you how to judge alcohol for a production. So am I, but nobody’s been thinking of that, apparently. You turn around with a scowl, leaning against the bar. You feel horrible, and the fact that Shaw’s back to his childish antics isn’t making that any better. An exasperated sigh leaves your lips as you tilt your head back, closing your eyes. The flashing lights are blurry, but still noticeable through your closed eyelids. But what you don’t notice, is the man heading over to you from his side of the bar. 

Shaw notices. How could he not? The moment you walked in the room, all he could see was you. And he knows he’s being a little shit, trying to make you jealous like that, but he can’t help wanting to play with you. It’s just a game of push and pull, and maybe he just wanted to see how hard you’d pull for him.

He didn’t expect you to react like that, though.

So here he is, so uncharacteristically walking (or strutting, because he is still sort of himself, after all) away from the admiring crowd of people around him and towards his clearly pissed off lover. And the man who’s clearly trying to chat you up.

“—buy you a drink?” he overhears. Shaw halts and watches the blinding spotlights in the club illuminate the sight in front of him.

He sees you lean closer to the man, foreheads almost touching in a conspiring way, before you shrug and the two of you turn to the bar. The man flags down the bartender, holding two fingers up. He’s just ordering two drinks for himself. That’s it.

His gait picks up again as he sees the bartender slide your favourite drink across the counter. Before you can even take a sip of bourbon, the textured glass is ripped out of your hand. Shaw downs the amber liquid, the burning sensation washing away the bitter taste of jealousy. 

“Thanks for ordering me a drink, honey,” he emphasizes the pet name, grinning at you before turning his head to the man with a fierce glare. The man raises his hands in defense, shakes his head at you with a smile, and promptly heads back to the other side of the bar. Shaw turns to you, the grin slipping back on his face momentarily.

“Already cheating on me?” he asks, masking the slight hurt behind a teasing façade. Shaw plops down on the stool next to you, watching your face. You look slightly guilty at first, but then your expression morphs back into one of anger...and exhaustion. You aren’t actually cheating on me, are you?

“Funny thing for you to say,” you ground out. 

“...So you were jealous.”

“That’s what you take from that?” You stare at him incredulously, his smug grin slowly sliding off of his face. I’m making it worse. Why did I make it worse?

“Jesus, you’re a prick,” you sigh, “No drink can fix this evening. I’m just going to go home. Do what you want, I don’t care anymore.” You climb out of your seat, making a beeline for the exit. Shaw is quick to follow you outside, grabbing your wrist before you can flag down a cab.

“Let me go, Shaw.”

“Hey, hey, it was a joke. You know that, right?” His ears are ringing from the loud music back in the club, but the sudden quiet’s more deafening than any song booming from the speakers. It feels sad, and Shaw hates it.

“I said, let me go.” You’re refusing to look at him. Why is it turning out like this?

“It was a joke. If I let go, you’re going to leave. Don’t leave me,” the slight pleading of his voice makes you turn around to look at his face. He tentatively releases your wrist, and you make no move to leave...yet.

“I don’t want to play these games anymore.”

He looks at you with furrowed brows. “I don’t understand,” he says.

“Is it fun, to try and make me jealous? To remind me of the fact that I’m somehow not suited for you, that after this amount of time, I’m still not enough for you?” you poke a finger into his lithe chest, “Because guess what, you succeeded. I’m jealous. I admit it, you won.”

 “I didn’t—And you took that guy’s offer for a drink! You’re not better!” Shaw suddenly raises his voice, his stance akin to that of a wolf on guard.

“I told him I had a boyfriend! And you know why he bought me a drink? Because he said I looked like I needed a pick me up. And you didn’t even notice! Even worse, you’re the fucking reason I needed one in the first place!”

“Well, how was I supposed to know you were going to throw a hissy fit over me hanging out with some friends?” he spits out.

“Friends? They were hanging onto you, Shaw! One of those girls had her tits so close to you, she almost suffocated you with them. And you know it,” a humourless laugh escapes your lips, “You love the attention. And we both know I was never enough to provide that for you. So I quit.”

Shaw deflates. “What do you mean, you quit?” 

“I don’t want to be vying for your affection with the rest of them, I guess. It’s selfish of me, but somehow I thought I’d be special, or something,” you scoff, kicking a nearby rock of the pavement, “But I don’t think I am. Not to you. So I think we should stop all of this before one of us gets even more hurt. I think we should break up.”

Shaw halts, burying both of his hands in his hair. His breathing quickens as he processes your words. “No, no, absolutely not. We aren’t breaking up.” he looks at you with the same pleading eyes he used that time when he got sick and begged you to cuddle him instead of getting his medicine. Back then, everything seemed so...lovely.

“I don’t know what else to do, Shaw,” your voice breaks, and Shaw feels his heart shatter at the notion of you hurting this much. “I just don’t know why you do this, I—”

“Because I don’t deserve you.” 

“What?” You shake your head in confusion.

“I know it’s fucked up. Everyone around us knew that I wasn’t deserving of you. Just look at me,” he gestures at himself, “I’m a fucking gangster dating someone who deserves better. So I tried pushing you away, and then you pulled back, and you fought for me. And I just don’t know how to deal with that, ‘cause people don’t do that for me.”

You sigh. “You deserve to be fought for.”

“I don’t. I really fucking don’t. Because here I am, with the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m about to lose them. And it should be what I want because I keep pushing and pushing and pushing, but now the only thing I want is you. I fucked up.”

You lean against a nearby wall, silence hanging above you two before you break it. “I...don’t think this dynamic is healthy,” you start.

“I know, I’m sorry. I fucked up, but I promise I’ll—”

“And if we’re going to try this again, you’re going to have to fix your attitude,” you interrupt him.

“I—you’re serious?” a careful nod has Shaw’s expression turning from dumbfounded to ecstatic. His grin’s back, but now it seems more...genuine. More innocent. 

“Fuck. I can’t believe it,” he tilts his head up to the sky in glee, but soon looks back at you with resolution in his eyes, “I’m going to be the best boyfriend you’ve ever seen.”

You laugh. “Is that a challenge, pretty boy?”

“You bet your ass it is,” he teases, swiftly scooping you up into his arms, “I fucking love you, and I’ll do anything I can to prove it,” he mutters into the crook of your neck.

“Shaw...I love you too, but people are really staring, actually.” You cast worried glances over his shoulder.

“Don’t care.”

“...Of course you don’t.”    

Shaw’s scenario was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, to be fair. I think I made him pretty OOC, but I’m filling in a lot of the blanks in regards to his personality, and for some reason he has serious trauma and insecurities here, which is either kinda valid, or projecting. I don’t know if I’m satisfied with it...but it’s going I guess.