#i am trying to only put albums i truly love in their entirety in my vinyl collection

[cleoselene]

I don't know if I can properly describe how Of the Moment this album was

I was just out of high school and a goth club kid when it came out, a real Tampa goth heading to The Edge and The Castle in Ybor City (The Castle is more famous but imo The Edge had a better DJ), and I had grown up on a steady diet of Madonna but drifted into my goth/electronica club kid phase

and then one of my dorm mates, the biggest Madonna fan I've ever met, got this CD and holy shit. Madonna got the culture better than any other pop star I've ever seen

and listening to this album while you're high is as close as it gets to feeling like being in the '90s again

underrated track:

[pinkorchidsinspring]

Reasons why Midnights is a breakup album:

This gives off echoes of pain, She was hurt so bad that she did this masterpiece.

What if I told you none of it was accidental?

Cornelia being so near and dear to Taylor and karlie's relationship. What happened that Taylor felt like Karlie wasn't even trying to maintain a relationship anymore?

"I didn't know if you'd care if I come back"

"This is me trying, at least I'm trying"

I definitely don't think this song was written recently. It goes along perfectly with the Evermore & Folklore sad girlie era of being broken up with.

It goes along with obviously the this is me trying type of songs on both albums. The songs that show a partner that's hard to please:

In relation to: You're Losing Me / A Break Up Song Evidence Cornelia Street / The Apartment Midnights

The 1: "And if you wanted me, you really should've showed"

Exile: "I can see you standing, honey, With his arms around your body, Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all, And it took you five whole minutes, To pack us up and leave me with it, Holdin' all this love out here in the hall"

My Tears Ricochet: "We gather here, we line up, Weepin' in a sunlit room, and, If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too, Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe, All the hell you gave me?, 'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you"

Mirrorball: "I'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me, I'm still a believer but I don't know why, I've never been a natural, All I do is try, try, try, I'm still on that trapeze, I'm still trying everything, To keep you looking at me"

August: “Cause you weren't mine to lose"

Illicit affairs: “Look at this idiotic fool that you made me, You taught me a secret language, I can't speak with anyone else, And you know damn well, For you, I would ruin myself, A million little times"

Mad woman: "Every time you call me crazy, I get more crazy, What about that?, And when you say I seem angry, I get more angry"

Betty: "I think it's 'cause of me"

Peace: "No, I could never give you peace".

Hoax: "Stood on the cliffside, Screaming, 'Give me a reason’, Your faithless love's the only hoax, I believe in"

The lakes: "Is it romantic how all my elogies, euloaize me?”

Willow: "I'm begging for you to take my hand, Wreck my plans... Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind, Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneaking in"

Champagne problems: "You're not sure which is worse, Because I dropped your hand while dancing, Left you out there standing, Crestfallen on the landing"

Tolerate it is a break up song, but it's more Red relationships than now.

Happiness: "But now I'm right down in it, all the years I've given, Is just shit we're dividin' up, Showed you all of my hiding spots, I was dancing when the music stopped, And in the disbelief, I can't face reinvention"

Coney Island: “Break my soul in two looking for you, But you're right here, If I can't relate to you anymore, Then who am I related to?"

Closure: "Guilty, Guilty, reaching out across the sea, That you put between you and me"

Right Where You Left Me: "Break-ups happen everyday, you don't have to lose it, She's still 23 inside her fantasy"

If Taylor lived in her Cornelia street home -like it was publicized- in 2016, and even though she was 27 by December 13th, for most of the duration of time she stayed in her Cornelia st apt, she was 26, and Karlie is 3 years younger than her. She would've been 23.

Inside her fantasy.

You're Losing Me -in its entirety- was either written before or after Midnights. However, this doesn't change that Taylor literally gave us a whole break up album hidden behind a quick follow up of false bravado/soft love in nearly every song.

I mean truly compare the Midnights album and some of her past albums to the lyrics of You’re Losing Me (aka a break up song)

Lover

Folklore

Evermore

Midnights

You’re Losing Me

How long could we be a sad song I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending -Exile

I gave you all my best mes When no one is around, my dear You'll find me on my tallest tiptoes, Spinning in my highest heels, love, Shining just for you -Mirrorball

my endless empathy I'd give you my sunshine, give you my best, but the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me -Peace I blew things out of proportion, now you're blue, Put you in jail for something you didn't do, I pinned your hands behind your back, oh, Thought I had reason to attack, but no -Afterglow

And all I did was bleed I look through the windows of this love, Even though we boarded them up, Chandelier's still flickering here, 'Cause I can't pretend it's ok when it's not, No, it's not, It's death by a thousand cuts, Trying to find a part of me that you didn't touch, My body, my love, my trust, But it wasn't enough -Death By A Thousand Cuts

I tried to be the bravest soldier, Fighting in only your army, frontlines My knuckles were bruised like violets, Sucker punching walls, cursed you as I sleep-talked, Spineless in my tomb of silence, Tore your banners down, took the battle underground, And maybe it was ego swinging, Maybe it was her, Flashes of the battle come back to me in a blur -The Great War (1/21)

I'm the best thing at this party When I walk in the room, I can still make the whole place shimmer -Bejeweled (2/21)

And I wouldn't marry me either Sometimes you just don't know the answer, 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you, "She would've made such a lovely bride, What a shame she's fucked in the head, " -Champagne Problems He was sunshine, I was midnight rain, He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain, He wanted a bride, I was making my own name, Chasing that fame -Midnight Rain (3/21)

Who only wanted you to see her I made you my temple, my mural, my sky, Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life -Tolerate It

Do something, babe, say something, Lose something, babe, risk something I'm begging for you to take my hand, Wreck my plans -Willow

Reasons why the rest of midnights is a break up album:

1. Lavender Haze: All they keep askin' me, Is if I'm gonna be your bride And I wouldn't marry me either.

2. Maroon: The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones, The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon

3. Anti-Hero: I should not be left to my own devices, They come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis (tale as old as time), I wake up screaming from dreaming, One day I'll watch as you're leaving, 'Cause you got tired of my scheming, (For the last time)

4. Snow On The Beach: Life is emotionally abusive, And time can't stop me quite like you did, And my flight was awful, thanks for asking, I'm unglued, thanks to you

5. You're On Your Own, Kid: I waited ages to see you there, I search the party of better bodies, Just to learn that you never cared

6. Midnight Rain ✅

7. Question...?: Then what did you do?, Did you leave her house in the middle of the night? Oh, Did you wish you'd put up more of a fight, oh, When she said it was too much?, Do you wish you could still touch her?, It's just a question

8. Vigilante Shit: Draw the cat eye, sharp enough to kill a man, You did some bad things, but I'm the worst of them, Sometimes I wonder which one will be your last lie … I don't start it but I can tell you how it ends, Don't get sad, get even, So on the weekends, I don't dress for friends, Lately I've been dressing for revenge

9. Bejeweled ✅

10. Labyrinth: It only hurts this much right now, Was what I was thinking the whole time, Breathe in, breathe through, Breathe deep, breathe out, I'll be getting over you my whole life

11. Karma: You're talking shit for the hell of it, Addicted to betrayal, but you're relevant, You're terrified to look down, 'Cause if you dare, you'll see the glare, Of everyone you burned just to get there

12. Sweet Nothing: They said the end is coming, Everyone's up to something

13. Mastermind: No one wanted to play with me as a little kid, So I've been scheming like a criminal ever since, To make them love me and make it seem effortless, This this the first time I've felt the need to confess, And I swear, I'm only cryptic and Machiavellian 'cause I care The rushed explanation of what Taylor does, is very telling of why she says this in an almost bitter/jaded way: I laid the groundwork and then saw a wide smirk, On your face, you knew the entire time, You knew that I'm a mastermind, And now you're mine, Yeah, all you did was smile, 'Cause I'm a mastermind

14. The Great War ✅

15. Bigger Than The Whole Sky: No words appear before me in the aftermath, Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears, Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness, 'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea

16. Paris: I want to brainwash you into loving me forever Implies that she believes no one could love her forever

17. High Infidelity: You know there's many different ways that you can kill the one you love, The slowest way is never loving them enough

18. Glitch: I think there's been a glitch, A brief interruption, a slight malfunction, I'd go back to wanting dudes who give nothing, I thought we had no chance, And that's romance, let's dance

19. Would've, Could've, Should've: But, Lord, you made me feel important, And then you tried to erase us

20. Dear Reader: Never take advice from someone who's falling apart

21. Hits Different: Oh, my, love is a lie, Shit my friends say to get me by, It hits different

[newtonsheffield]

Hi!! I just wanted to tell you how much I do love your stories and how much I am really into them! I even have pop-up notifications in here and Ao3 to know when you share with us more about Bridgerton and Sons - which seems kinda a stalker, now I think of it... but it's not like that! 😅🤦‍♀️

The thing is, I'm a very musical person; whenever I read or do some computer-required work, or basically anything in my life tbh, music is always present. For instance, I'm re-reading again (can't they just, magically, give us Season 2 already? 🤣) TVWLM and for Anthony and Kate's Wedding night, I cannot help but "listen to" 'Experience', by Ludovico Einaudi; and when reading/imagining the wedding in the Bridgerton and Sons Universe, Anthony and Kate are dancing to 'You & I', by Crystal Fighters (which is so refreshing, good vibes and just PERFECT).

If it's not too much to ask, which kind of music do Kate and Anthony listen to? Which is their favourite genre; would it surprise us all? I don't know why I picture Anthony completely flabbergasted to Kate's musical tastes. 🤣

Thank you in advance and thank YOU for giving us content and such a beautiful story when we're waiting for the season to come. 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

PD.: thank you for not making Penelope be Lady Whistledown in Bridgerton and Sons. Despite I liked that plot in the books, I just cannot imagine in here Penelope saying nasty things about people we know she loves a lot.

Hi! 

(This got a little longer so I’ve put a cut in)

I’m so glad you’re enjoying Bridgerton and sons!  And perhaps it’s ridiculous, but I’m terribly flattered you have notifications turned on for both Ao3 AND this black hole of a tumblr account (makes me very curious how many other’s also have notifications turned on!) Anyway, no, I don’t think you’re stalking me, that’s why the notification system exists! 

I will own to also being a slightly musically inclined person: Fun fact about me, I’m a classically trained saxophonist! And (and this is really going to tell you all JUST how cool a person I truly am) Guys, I was the captain of my High School Jazz band  😂😂I can play guitar, ukulele and Piano to varying degrees of proficiency but I would never in a million years play any of those three instruments in front of another human being! That being said my own taste in music is cripplingly basic as anyone who has dared look at the Bridgerton and Sons playlist on spotify can attest too. It has often been joked by my friends that I cannot start a playlist without putting Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors album on and Shania Twain’s Come on Over album.  But! I love Ludovico Einaudi! His work is always so beautiful and tbh whenever I listen to it I get a little choked up!  and I hadn’t heard You & I before but I can definitely see them dancing to it at their wedding, just being sickeningly in love and happy. We love to see it. 

Also, when I first started writing Insufferable Penelope probably was going to be the writer but... the longer it went on and the crueler the things said got, I decided it just wasn’t right. This isn’t a Gossip Girl situation fam. 

Okay! Kate and Anthony’s favourite Music! 

Kate was a young girl in the mid-late 90′s so unfortunately I think we know what this means: Kate knows the entirety of the Spiceworld album by heart. She could probably do it backwards. She would never admit it to Anthony but she had a Justin Timberlake poster on her wall for a very long time. Anthony does not have the heart to tell her that he knows she love NSYNC because Edwina has showed him a video of their perfectly choreographed routine to Bye Bye Bye. She’s also quite partial to the 80′s rock that played heavily in her house growing up. And Anthony is very surprised to find a Def Leppard shirt amongst her laundry one day. While Anthony may not be partial to Kate’s music, he does think it’s very adorable when she sings along in her endearingly tone deaf way, and so more often than not when they’re cooking together in the kitchen, they’re playing her music.  

Anthony is a soft rock/indy kind of guy. He’s constantly bringing up bands that Kate has never even heard of. She gets tugged along to concert after concert of music that all sounds exactly the same to her but she really doesn’t care because Anthony is there, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist, singing softly in her ear, a huge smile on his face. And he looks so happy, and young, and carefree that her heart nearly bursts for him. 

There is one time when Kate finally recognises a song on Anthony’s playlist about 4 months into their relationship and she squeals a little with delight and amusement when it starts. “Hyacinth is getting awfully good at sneaking songs onto your playlist.” She says, smirking as she starts to hum along, but she can’t help but notice that Anthony hasn’t done anything, didn’t make a disgusted noise, his hand hasn’t even moved from hers to try and change the song, and then she notices his ears going a little red.  “Oh my god!” she says laughing brightly “You, Mr. Music is artistry Katie put this song on here didn’t you?!” And Anthony tuts and puffs his chest a little which only makes her heart burst more for him when he says, more than a little primly  “It reminds me of you.”  And god help her, as soon as they get home Kate takes it upon herself to show him that yes God is a woman      

[staylavendertea]

music, ya know

this is a complete impulse of lying in bed middle of the night thoughts that i don’t even know if anyone’s gonna see that have been stemmed off the experiences of the past couple days, topic of 1:41 am mind boggle:

music and it’s aesthetic and importance in literal every sense cause it’s just that important to me

first experience of realizing this, i’ve always loved film scores and listening to music and the orchestral pieces from movies and shows, but it really seemed to hit me recently, like the fact that this week’s new LOKI episode, no spoilers, has the most badass score and a badass scene with such a perfect mix and musical atmosphere. i literally had one of my best friends over, who has a very small interest in comics, cinema, marvel in general, especially a show about a norse comic god that they know nothing about, and whilst they sat there for my own regard, watching the show like a normal human being would, i sat there clinching their hand, watching in awe as our music is louder than actors talking tv speakers spurted out the most spine tightening world building story and just wandered “jesus that was good” and whilst i will always think about the superior acting, cgi, the amount of different people that just went into those few scenes and like what was physical set and what was computer image and what the hell did i just watch that has my brain running olympic marathon circles right now?

the thought that said brain kept going back to was that fucking score. it was literally tearing apart of every corner of my head and why was it doing that?

second experience, another marvel one, but i digress. black widow (no spoilers i promise), thursday night, movie theater for the first time in i can’t even remember how long now and we set through so many previews just for fucking boss baby to start playing and the reaction of the theater to make me burst out laughing.

however whatever works in that little projection box, gets fixed and the movie is pushed to just a little before it starts, a nice small pepsi ad, the regal rollercoaster intro (if you go to regal movie theaters ya know what i’m talking about), and then i hear it - the marvel studios logo - something so musically engraved into my head that my ass that can’t sing for anything, can harmonize with the sound and makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up around movie theater surround sound. but i can’t think of that now, i’m here to watch black widow, a movie on hiatus with the rest of the world for so long now, a character i didn’t know much about it or truly, didn’t have the most connection with in the first place. yet through that one movie, i seemed to build one of those.

ofc though scarlett johansson’s beautiful acting and world building, but it isn’t until the end of the movie that i even realize why. it was the fucking score again. when i think about it, the beginning of the movie felt like all of black widows scenes in the avengers movies for me, kinda just, there. not really emotionally tugging, not bad ofc either, but just, there. in the present, watching something cool in motion. but then it hits, what i can only describe as a theme that somehow tells the entire black widow movie in one singular composition. something so badass, story telling, but also just singularly black widow-esk. i can tell you that i walked out the movie theater rambling about the composition and looking up composers.

third experience, the most recent as it was literally like 20 minutes ago and sprung one train rail of a thought process that immediately tugged me into typing this brain vomit into a tumblr post. i have playlists. for everything. and when i say everything, i fucking mean everything. i’m a writer and a reader, i have playlists mostly for the young avengers, my most utter comfort characters, and their stories i’m writing. i also have playlists/genre/specific song for about every book i read.

when i read red white and royal blue when that came out, i noticed i listened to one of the drunks by panic at the disco the entirety of the ending of the book and the words and music fit together like puzzle pieces, not only did it make the reading experience better, but i was so fucking emerged in my over hyper-imagitive brain that when i finally actually finished the book, i still never left. rewind present day to the beginning of this past june, one last stop comes out, ofc i get it the day it comes out with my anticipation building like wildfire. i start reading that night and i put on my recents on my liked songs playlist (true to true spotify user) and i slowly over the next day as i read and finish the book, windle down to the genre, then the band, to the album, to the exact song that feels like the carbon copy of the words i’m reading. that song was only ones who know by the arctic monkeys. now go back to this past week, anyone who reads the carry on series knows, anyway the wind blows came out this past tuesday. i waited till wednesday to buy the ✨pretty special addition barnes and nobles copy✨ so that the dear friend that indulged me by watching loki that same day could buy it at the same time and make a cute book date or whateva. i started reading that night and something just felt ,,, off. i didn’t know what it was, but i was living off the pure joy that simon and co give me so i ignored the feeling. until i realized why it felt off this morning. i wasn’t listening to any fucking music, literally nothing, not even queen. motherfucking. queen.

i looked for the snowbaz playlist i made when i read carry on for the first time back in 2016/2017 when i was still a freshman in high school just to remember i deleted that literally forever ago. so i made a new one. like an hour and a half ago. very inspired on how i made the playlists for the young avengers and all their stories. letting the music talk.

the fact that all these rambling thoughts have led to this conclusion makes my head hurt, but for me at least in my own experiences. music talks. a two way conversation. a radio broadcast, turning the peg until you match the same frequency thats being put out and you can hear it and understand it. it’s like when you see comedians on stages or actors on panels, they talk, you have reactions, you talk back, and so forth the loop continues until the last voice, last note, rings out. music and songs and orchestral pieces and bands and composers and lyric writers are telling you the stories in reverse. they don’t know their doing it, obviously they meant something entirely different in their creations, but it’s like literature and any work of words and storytelling. interpretation. to me, the notes, pianos, violins, guitars, drums, singers, cellos, and anything that can make sound you can think of, is telling you something. whispering in your ear as you watch or read. facial features, emotions the characters dont say out loud, outfits, they way their standing or talking or moving or interacting with anything and everything.

when i just made that carry on playlist, i played it, decided to try read some good almost 2 am fan fic as you do, my hanging on by a thread sleep brain telling me words aren’t recognizable right now, and tighten myself into a blanket to see if i can sleep at all. the playlist still plays and my never shuts up head thinks it’s own daydreams, stresses out about anything it can, that is until the song plays. the one that just speaks the carry on trilogy language. the one that i found whilst i was reading wayward son and then would play whenever i re read carry on. the one that started this whole way too long ass post in the first place. cant be alone tonight by atlas. i heard just the first sound and i saw them, as if i were in the same room, like i never even put the book down in the first damn place because i’m actually terrified of finishing it. i could see simon in his oversized hoodies, baz in an outfit that was way too good just to be sitting inside, agatha looking as pleasantly pretty as ever, penelope poking fun at shepherd, and shepherd poking fun right back; bickering, laughing, saying the dialogues i try to remember so i can write them later, existing.

in a way music doesn’t just talk, but it lives. it lives and breaths. a three way conversation you could say. characters, stories, plot, and settings talk to the music, then the music delivers us listeners the message, so that we can send one back. this literally took me over an hour to write and i should point the important note that i do have synesthesia where colors and sounds and colors and words do the association so this entire thing might be me being entirely biased, but alas, i love sound so much and if there is anyone else that feels the same ways as i do as just a simple good film score and song makes anything ten times better, feel free to talk, i will totally be awkward, but i need some music freaks like myself around so feel free to hit me up, also if you love movies and cinema also feel free to hit me up as i need movie buddies and now it’s 3 am and i will be going to bed - peace out 🛸

[moondustis]

break the internet (m)

pairing: jung jaehyun + reader genre: smut, fluff word count: 2,2k summary: Tips on staying sane during the quarantine include exercising, establishing a routine, eating healthy and of course, phone sex.

It had been 2 weeks now since the last time he went out. And he understood it, of course, knew it was for the greater good and was glad to do something as simple as staying inside to help. But well, the whole thing was maybe making him go a little crazy. Just a bit.

He was glad there were other people staying with him, so he wasn’t completely alone. But being around the same faces for a little too long was a great way to start fights, and right now they were all just waiting for Doyoung to finally snap over some petty thing for it all to go down. 

Besides that, he just missed going outside for a walk or to have coffee with Johnny. He even missed going to practice early and sitting on the hairstylist chair for too long waiting for hair and makeup. 

But right now, he thinks he misses you the most. Misses sneaking coffee dates in the middle of a busy day and the late night rendezvous. He just misses being able to see you in person and it was even worst that the last time you managed to do that was way before this whole thing happened, with how crazy album preparations were. So yeah, he missed you a lot and there was nothing he could do about it. 

Well, except call you on facetime at 11pm on a friday, hoping that you were still awake. 

He’s on his bed, only the small lamp on but it does a good job illuminating the room. The door is locked, just because, and he waits anxiously for you to pick up as the little facetime music goes on.

The familiar butterflies on his stomach all cheer up when you finally appear on the screen of his phone. Your face is bare of any makeup, probably ready for bed, as you smile at him. “Hi, baby.” You greet him, voice a little different on the phone but still it makes him smile right back at you. 

“Hello, pretty girl.” He says back, still smiling like a fool. “What are you up to?”

Now let’s set a few things straight. This had been a call out of mere innocent want to see his girlfriend whom he missed. He had no ill wishes in his mind. That is, until now.  

“Nothing right now. Just finished getting ready for bed actually.” You move the phone down, showing him your bed surroundings and in consequence, your nightgown cladded body. He knew that one, had seen it before once when he stayed over and the sight plus the memory it ignites makes something turn in his mind. 

He’s not some horndog, first of all. But it’s been a while since he touched you last. Hell, it had been a while since he touched himself, since there always seemed to be someone around him on the dorm and the shower just didn’t do it for him. So he’ll admit that it got to him a little. “Are you even listening, Jae?” You interrupt, your voice soft and head tilted to the side as he watches your pixelated image. 

“Sorry, got a little distracted.” He doesn’t need to look at his own self on the screen to know he looks guilty. “What did you say?” 

You pout at that and his eyes go to your pink lips, then moving down to your neck and exposed chest where he can see the tops of your breasts. “I said I tried that face mask you got me today. My face is like, really soft right now.” He hums without really paying attention, just hears the word soft and well, he has to agree, you do look pretty soft right now. 

He should feel bad, because he was the one that called you on the first place and now he can’t focus on anything you’re saying. He can only focus on the outlines of your boobs under the nightgown and how his mind is playing tricks on him, because he’s sure the fabric is a little transparent and he can see the faint images of your nipples. And well, he’s definitely getting hard right now.

And you’re not dumb, he should know better. “Are you checking me out right now?” Your voice is filled with amusement as his cheeks are set on fire from being caught. When he looks at you your eyes are shining with something he thinks is mischief. 

“Shit. ‘M sorry, baby.” Is he? Probably not. “I just missed you… and you’re so pretty.” 

Your smile goes even wider. He’s a charmer through and through. “Am I?” You ask, biting your lips in a silly way but it gets to him. He’s pretty sure anything you did would. 

He can’t help but smile back at your teasing because it’s so easy to get you to play the same game as him. “You are. Prettiest girl in the world.” That has your cheeks flushing and he just loves when he can do that. Even after all this time dating he still managed to make you go pink with the simplest words. 

He watches as you bite your lips again before you’re almost whispering. “I missed you too, you know?” The words itself are innocent but the way you say it is far from it and it goes straight to his now hardening dick. 

“Yeah?” Is what he asks dumbly and you nod, hand moving to the very thin strap on your left shoulder and moving it until it falls on your arms. He watches you do the same on the other side with parted lips, head swimming with arousal as the dress almost falls off put you don’t let it. Still, he can see more of the top of your boobs now and it has him hugging his pillow and screaming into it in frustration. 

Ok, so maybe he was a horndog. “You’re a menace.” That makes you laugh.

“Why?” You even tilt your head, acting even further as the obvious girl he knows you aren’t.

“You know why. C'mon, don’t be bad, baby.” He’ll beg if that’s what you want, he really will. “Let me see the girls, please? Miss them.” 

You snort at his silliness. ”The girls? I thought you missed me.” 

“I miss all of you.” You pout and he laughs lightly. “Now, please? Just gotta let the dress fall.” 

It’s silence for a moment, only the static noise of his air conditioner. He blinks twice and then you’re letting your nightgown fall, probably bunching on your waist. His eyes immediately go to your chest, gaze flickering to your hard nipples, probably from the cold in your room. He licks his lips, feeling his mouth water in a dramatic manner and he can’t help but whisper. “So pretty, baby.”  

You move your hair a little, straightening your back and the phone shifts a little. You really do look beautiful, he always thinks so. Naked or not. But right now, looking at him with big eyes and the slow rise and fall of your exposed chest, he wants desperately to touch you. “Happy?” You ask, but there's no bite to it. 

“Very.” He gives you a smile to emphasize it and tries to be discreet with the way he moves a hand to squeeze himself through his sweatpants.

“You should take your shirt off too.” Your voice is cheeky and he grins, immediately doing as you asked. 

“Happy?” He mimics your words as you nod and eye him probably the same way he did to you, with eyes hazy and lips parted. “Wish I could be with you right now.”

“Yeah? What would you do if you were?” Your lips falter as you try to not to smile at your own cliche but he sees right through it. Appreciates it even that you are able to do this in such a comfortable way. 

“What would you want me to do?” He asks back and you let out a little huff. 

“Kiss me. ‘M really craving one right now.” It’s a simple wish but he understands it. Hell, he has probably daydreamed about kissing you one of these days. 

“Hmm, me too.” He almost whispers. “Would kiss you everywhere.” 

It’s a little corny, he knows but still it makes you breath just a bit heavier as you move your hand, slightly brushing it against your breasts and he has to move his hand down again, letting out a barely there whimper as he squeezes himself. 

“Are you gonna show me a little more?” Is a question as much as it is a plead.

“Uhm...You first.” You say, showing him you want this as much as he does. And what can he do but tilt the camera slightly down, showing his torso and his hand lightly scratching that happy trail he was too unbothered to shave. His gaze moves to watch your hungry eyes as he tugs his hardening cock out from his sweatpants.

He gives you a show, you deserve it after all. Stroking himself slowly until he hears the quiet ruffling of you pushing the nightgown all the way down and then more noises as you try to remove your panties. “It’s hard to show it all.” You mutter with a shy voice and he remembers this is the first time you’re doing this. 

“It’s okay, baby. You don’t have to.” He assures you, camera moving to his face again. “Just talk to me.” 

He figures you still want him to see, so he watches as you pausadily move the camera down, giving him a good view of your boobs then continuing down to where your hand is just below your belly button. He sees the patch of hair first before you’re opening your legs and your fingers part your lower lips, showing him the slightly wetness that had formed. It’s a weird angle but that’s the last thing on his mind. “Like this?” You ask and he swears the entirety of his blood goes straight to his dick. 

“Fuck.” He groans, a shudder running down his body as he continues stroking himself. He wishes he was there, he truly does. Wants to kiss you as much as he wants to feel your wetness on his tongue. “Look at you, baby. Got such a pretty pussy.” 

He can hear you moaning as two of your fingers collect the wetness forming on you entrance before circling your clit. He continues steadily stroking himself, precum already dripping a little. “Jae…” Your voice is merely a breath.

When you move the camera back on your face he can see the almost dazed look on your eyes and it only spurs him further, watching your lips part in a moan and your eyebrows furrowed in concentration. 

He reaches his thumb to the tip of his cock, smearing his arousal around his hand before he’s back to stroking himself. It feels good, even more with you on the other side of the screen. But still, he wishes it was your hand instead, if he closes his eyes he can almost imagine it is and the thought makes him twitch. 

“‘M so close, baby.” He rasps, breath labored as the pressure on his lower stomach feels likes it’s about to give.

“Me too, me too.” You whimper and he has to open his eyes again to look at you. If you weren’t about to come you would probably say this is an awful angle, but he loves it. Thinks you look the most beautiful with your chest glistening and your eyes shut in pleasure. 

He pumps himself harder, trying his best not to close his eyes so he can watch you and you moan his name, over and over again as he tries to squeeze himself enough to create the feeling of your tight walls around him. It’s not even close to how good you feel but it’s enough and he grunts as he speeds his strokes.

You come with silent moan and he watches as your entire face contorted in pleasure. He’ll never get tired of that. He follows shortly after, coming long and hard, with your name on his lips and ribbons of his arousal coating his fingers.

It’s a while before you have both catch your breaths, but when you do he smiles at your face on the screen. With his attention on you, you hide your face with pillow and laugh in an embarrassed way.

“Come on, getting shy on me now?” He says, voice filled with amusement. 

“Can’t believe I did that.” Your voice is muffled by the pillow before you’re looking at him again. Your cheeks are the pink shade he loves so much. 

 “What? Show me your cunt on facetime?” He teases and you whine in even further embarrassment that he knows you also love.

“Jaehyun!” There’s no actual bite to your words, you just give him a pointed look.

“Can’t wait until we can see each other.” He confesses, he’s sure there’s a puppy look on his eyes from how much he adores you. 

“Me neither.” 

After you have said your goodbyes and love yous he gets himself cleaned and falls to the bed again. When he sleeps, he dreams of you.

[khunfounded]

Stuck in the Cave

This one is pretty long and serious, birds, and if you are uncomfortable with the discussion of toxic relationships I recommend skipping it. I’ll cut it off before any analysis this time. 

It’s about Rachel and Bam’s tumultuous relationship, so if that interests you, read on.

Tonight we are discussing three songs from the same album, Hospice, which depicts the entirety of a female perpetuated abusive relationship. It has a lot of nuance and treats the both individuals as humans, rather than entirely a monster and an angel.

The songs are Shiva, Kettering, and Epilogue by The Antlers. I’ll have the videos in front of each analysis rather than all at the top to make it less blocky.

Let’s begin with Shiva.

The entirety of Hospice is told through a metaphor about a hospital worker who gets into a toxic relationship with a patient, which I think is really fitting considering the arc of Rachel pretending that she is paralyzed from the waist down.

Suddenly every machine stopped at once And the monitors beeped the last time Hundreds of thousands of hospital beds And all of them empty but mine

I think these lines fit the exact moment that Rachel pushes Bam. For Bam it is sudden, unexpected. Though for Rachel, who metaphorically has been in the hospital bed for a while, it was a long time coming.

The one chance for Rachel to keep their relationship ended with that push, when the monitors beeped the last time, though Bam did not know it yet.

After that, Bam is alone. Even when he is surrounded by people, they are all using him to perpetuate their agenda. So, there are many beds, but there is no one there with Bam, either in a hospital bed or visiting him. Well, I was lying down with my feet in the air Completely unable to move The bed was misshapen, and awkward and tall And clearly intended for you

When Bam is forced into joining Fug, he can’t move. They have him in check. If he does try anything, they will destroy the one good thing he found. The people who would have visited him in the hospital.

These last two lines remind me of when Khun tells Rachel that if she truly cared about Bam, she wouldn’t be coming up the tower while Bam was stuck underneath it. The bed, the ruin, was made for her, but she escaped it by putting Bam in her place.

You checked yourself out when you put me to bed And tore that old band off your wrist But you came back to see me for a minute or less And left me your ring in my fist

The theme of the bed intended for Rachel continues in this stanza. Without anyone (except Fug, who I personally see as the hospital administrators) knowing, she checked herself out of the hospital and placed Bam there instead.

The hospital band is Rachel’s supposed fate of not being worthy of the tower (though you could argue that her cunning and luck actually does make her worthy, but I’m not), which she tore off by sheer force of will.

The minute or less she came to visit him is the push, and the ring (which in the context of the album is a wedding ring) is what is left of their relationship. Bam, because Rachel is so integral to him, is stuck with it, while Rachel is not. He has both rings now, and the relationship is completely one-sided.

For Rachel, to possibility of joining the stars (whether seeing them or becoming one) is worth the dissolution of a completely devoted love. Though, that love of Bam’s is completely healthy, fueled by his loneliness and the fact that for the longest time the only good thing he ever knew was Rachel. She knows this, which is part of why she gives back the ring. She thinks that even if she picks Bam, he will leave her once he is loved and loves other people. My hair started growing, my face became yours My femur was breaking in half The sensation was scissors and too much to scream So instead, I just started to laugh

Now this, this fits so well.

Bam’s hair is such an important part of his character. Not only does it track the years, it also tracks his emotional state. He is at his lowest when it is at its longest, (which is poignant considering the length of Rachel’s), happiest when it’s shortest, and most in control of his destiny when it is in-between, since at that point is able to choose its length.

I think the second half of the stanza represents the mental break and subsequent cognitive dissonance that he goes through because his mind cannot handle the idea of his most precious person betraying him.

Oof, one down two to go. This is tough.

Now, onto Kettering. 

Ouch, this one hurts.

I wish that I had known in that first minute we met The unpayable debt that I owed you Because you'd been abused by the bone that refused you And you hired me to make up for that

Throughout much of the series, Bam believes he owes Rachel a debt because of the hope she gave him in the cave, though in my opinion she did less than the minimum (though no one owes anyone anything, I still believe that sometimes basic human kindness should win out. Well, morality quandaries for another time).

The bone that refused her was her fate of being unworthy of climbing the tower, which everyone and anyone told her whenever they could. Honestly, that would turn me bitter, too. This is a good chunk of why she is so venomous towards Bam, because his fate and outlook are quite literally the opposite of hers.

To Rachel, everything comes so easily to Bam, whilst she has to claw and fight and lie for every scrap that she can. Though, we all know better. Bam’s life is filled with suffering.

Thus, she hires Bam to make up for her destiny. She tries to take his place and put him in hers. Also, she is just fundamentally cruel to him, trying to ruin every good thing he has every chance that she gets. Walking in that room when you had tubes in your arms Those singing morphine alarms out of tune Kept you sleeping and even And I didn't believe them when they called you a hurricane thunderclap

Everyone tells Bam that Rachel is bad news, but he only sees the girl that gave him light and had her chance to climb the tower violently ripped away from her.

It takes Rachel doing to Khun what she has been doing to Bam all this time to get him to realize that he truly does not know her at all. When I was checking vitals I suggested a smile You didn't talk for a while, you were freezing You said you hated my tone, it made you feel so alone And so you told me I ought to be leaving

This is basically a continuation of the theme of Rachel treating Bam cruelly while he tries his best to make her life better.

It reminds me a lot of the moments right before Rachel pushes Bam, and for a few seconds her demeanor shifts, shocking him  But something kept me standing by that hospital bed I should have quit, but instead, I took care of you You made me sleep and uneven And I didn't believe them when they told me that there was no saving you

Bam is stuck standing by Rachel because of his devotion and the toxic relationship that they have created. For the longest time, he tries to find her and take care of her, but she doesn’t want that. She wants to see the stars. Without him.

He doesn’t see it, though, no matter what they people who really love him try to say.

Next, next, next.

It’s the Epilogue.

Finally, we are at a point where Bam realizes how toxic their relationship truly is.

This one is dense, birds.

In a nightmare, I am falling from the ceiling into bed beside you You're asleep, I'm screaming, shoving you to try to wake you up And like before, you've got no interest in the life you live when you're awake Your dreams still follow storylines like fictions you would make

I do not believe for a second that Bam doesn’t have nightmares about Rachel. She is such a large part of his life and his psyche. He must have trauma both about wondering if he could have saved their relationship and what she has done to his loved ones.

Rachel is asleep. She thinks that what she is doing to see the stars is worth it, but Bam knows better. He has lived the destruction and suffering she has caused.

She has no interest for a world where she is unworthy of the tower, so she dreams up a new one and tries to make it real.

So I lie down against your back until we're both back in the hospital But now it's not a cancer ward, we're sleeping in the morgue Men and women in blue and white, they are singing all around you With heavy shovels holding earth, you're being buried to your neck            

In that hospital bed, being buried quite alive now. 

I'm trying to dig you out but all you want is to be buried there together

This again harkens back to the idea of Bam having nightmares about Rachel. The morgue is his fears that what is happening will ruin them both.

The men and women are everyone in the war that are adding onto the pressure and consequences of this fight. In the end, Tower of God truly is about Bam and Rachel’s relationship and all the fallout that it causes

Bam sees that Rachel is being buried by the decisions she has made, and he is slowly being buried, too. Though, unlike Rachel, he is trying to dig their way out and save them both.

You're screaming And cursing And angry And hurting me And then smiling And crying Apologizing

This chorus is haunting, especially because of the singer’s voice (which is even worse if you imagine the singer is Bam) . It is demonstrative of the two faces that Rachel shows, and the abuse that she puts Bam through just to see the stars.

It evokes the image of Rachel and Bam in the meadow after Rachel has been stabbed. Rachel apologizes to Bam, though he does not truly know why. I've woken up, I'm in our bed, but there's no breathing body there beside me Someone must have taken you while I was stuck asleep But I know better as my eyes adjust, you've been gone for quite a while now And I don't work there in the hospital, they had to let me go

After Rachel puts Khun into a coma, Bam wakes up and he sees their relationship for what it truly is. There is still a part of him, though, that wonders what went wrong. 

His eyes are still adjusting, even after he has awoken.

When Bam leaves the hospital, he is leaving their one-sided toxic dynamic, though much like the physical injuries he has suffered, there are still scars.

When I try to move my arms sometimes, they weigh too much to lift I think you buried me awake, my one and only parting gift But you return to me at night just when I think I may have fallen asleep Your face is up against mine, and I'm too terrified to speak

Sometimes, what he has gone through makes it tough for him to go on. I am glad Bam has such a wonderful, loving support system.

Again, nightmares and trauma caused by Rachel. Things like what she has done to Bam never truly leave you. She has gifted him with immense trauma, and scars that may fade to silver but will never disappear. You're screaming And cursing And angry And hurting me And then smiling And crying Apologizing

Thank you for reading, please watch video of puppies after this.

[lovejustforaday]

My Top 10 Albums of 2019

Rose Gold - Kitty

Main Genres: Electro Pop

A decent sampling of: Chill Hop, Chill Wave, Alternative R&B, Cloud Rap, Future Bass, Synth Pop, Trip Hop, Wonky Kitty's sound keeps changing from EP to LP, but one thing that remains constant is her witty, hyper-feminine cool girl persona. On "Rose Gold", she explores a variety of electronic genres while maintaining a near-perfect chill mood and atmosphere. "Rose Gold" easily avoids falling into the traps of repetitiveness prone to a lot of lo-fi chill music thanks to Kitty's charming personality and clever lyricism on tracks like "B.O.M.B. (Peter)" and "Florida". I feel like this is definitely a late night album, one you might listen to while sneaking around your kitchen to make a late night snack while wearing your cutest pajamas. Alternatively, this is the album your stuffed animals all get up and vibe to while you're sleeping. Oh yeah, and "Counting All The Starfish" samples FF7 which is pretty cool. Highlights: "B.O.M.B. (Peter)", “Don’t Panic (Interlude)”, "Mami", "Counting All The Starfish", “Disconnect”

8/10

House of Sugar - Sandy (Alex G)

Main Genres: Indie Folk, Neo-Psychedelia

A decent sampling of: Folktronica, Psychedelic Folk, Indie Pop, Americana I admit, I was completely unfamiliar with Alex G's material until this album came along and garnered a lot of attention. I'm very excited to explore his back catalogue now thanks to this album. Fitting to its name, "House of Sugar" is somewhat like a psychedelic sugar rush, feeling at once strange and whimsical yet also sickly sweet and delirious. Under the album's upbeat folky veneer lies darker themes about loss both personal and conceptual. "Gretel" and the album title itself are both inspired by the fairytale of Hansel and Gretel, which makes a lot of sense because I really just want to get lost in the woods while listening to this album. "Project 2" is a noticeable outlier and the weakest track, forgoing conventional song structure completely for experimental synth music yielding mixed results, but even this short track manages to be oddly beautiful and adds to the overall experience. Likewise, "House of Sugar" is an exceptionally interesting musical journey even at its weakest. Highlights: "Gretel", "Sugar", "Hope", "Walk Away", "Taking"

8/10

Titanic Rising - Weyes Blood

Main Genres: Art Pop, Baroque Pop

A decent sampling of: Progressive Pop, Psychedelic Pop, Soft Rock, Progressive Electronic, Alternative Country Most acclaimed album of 2019? Quite possibly. While it's not my top choice of the year, I can definitely understand the widespread praise this album has received. At its best, Weyes Blood's "Titanic Rising" is a truly lush and cinematic experience, incorporating musical influences from the best of 60s and 70s era pop music with a moving lyrical narrative of coming to terms with depression and getting older. Mering's voice is warm and tender, and her insights about generational woes on tracks like "Everyday" and "Something to Believe" are mature and nuanced. If you're new to being an adult like I am, and you find the prospects of trying to build a fulfilling and meaningful life in the kind of world we live in scary, then listening to "Titanic Rising" will feel like a very bittersweet soundtrack written for a movie based on your own real life. Considerably front-loaded, but the concept for this album is very fresh and ambitious, and when it's good, it's brilliant. P.S. definitely the best album cover of 2019 Highlights: "Everyday", "Movies", "Andromeda", "Titanic Rising", "A Lot's Gonna Change"

8/10

Grey Area - Little Simz

Main Genres: Conscious Rap, UK Rap

A decent sampling of: Jazz Rap, Hardcore Rap

Little Simz sounds like she knows exactly who she is and what she's doing on "Grey Area", like she has her flow and writing lyrics down to a science. The album really feels like seeing the world through her eyes, and Simz holds nothing back, talking about everything from institutional racism and violence, to things like therapy, motherhood, and even video games. "Grey Area" succeeds as well as it does largely thanks to the strengths of Simz's offbeat personality, lyrical insights, and excellent delivery, while the production on the album is mostly smooth and slick in a way that never overpowers her as the main focus. I'll admit, I find at some points that the production on some of the songs falls considerably short of the standards set by Simz's own talent as a rapper, but when the production does reach that level on tracks like "101 FM" and "Venom", the pay off is brilliant. "101 FM" in particular is such an interesting and unique hip hop song, in the same way that Simz is a very interesting and unique rapper. Honestly this album is worth the listen alone just to hear what Little Simz has to say about everything.

Highlights: "101 FM", "Selfish", "Offence", "Venom"

8/10

Pang - Caroline Polachek

Main Genres: Art Pop, Alternative R&B

A decent sampling of: Electro Pop, Glitch Pop, Ambient Pop, New Age, Downtempo Of all the albums I've listened to this year, "Pang" feels like the most varied journey with an impressive collection of 14 songs in under 50 minutes. On this LP, Caroline Polachek takes the listener through her world of romantic fairytales and magic. Some of the songs are poppy bangers like the funky "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings" and the rhythmic "Ocean of Tears", while other songs are more mood-driven and meditative like "Parachute" and "Insomnia". Many of the songs place emphasis on the vocal gymnastics of Polachek herself, who makes great use of her range and techniques like heavy breaths on "So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings". The production work of Polachek and Danny L. Harle is sophisticated and intricate, with a lot of attention to detail on tracks like "Door" and "Pang". A lot of the songs are  mysterious and cerebral, especially the penultimate "Door" which has an equally cerebral and trippy music video. Overall, I'd say that "Pang" definitely opens and closes with its strongest few tracks, but there’s enough variety and intricacies throughout its entirety to make the album experience highly engaging on repeated listens as you explore the different musical worlds that each song has to offer.

Highlights: "Door", " So Hot You're Hurting My Feelings ", “Parachute”, "Pang", "Go As a Dream", "Ocean of Tears", “Hit Me Where It Hurts”, "The Gate"

9/10

Norman Fucking Rockwell! - Lana Del Rey

Main Genres: Art Pop, Soft Rock

A decent sampling of: Dream Pop, Chamber Pop, Contemporary Folk, Psychedelic Pop, Piano Rock, Blues Rock, Americana, Pop Soul So yeah, this album happened. Lana Del Rey has always been an artist I appreciated for her unique sound and persona, but I found that her 2012 LP "Born To Die" mostly didn't quite live up to her potential as an artist, and I never really bothered with the rest of her work apart from individual songs until now. I'm so glad I checked this one out because "Norman Fucking Rockwell!" rightfully deserves the wave of acclaim it has received this year. Lana Del Rey's songwriting has become so sophisticated on this LP, and the warm, rich soft rock sound that she's adopted on tracks like "The greatest" compliments her vocals better than any other genre she's explored so far. Like most of her work, "Norman Fucking Rockwell!" explores American identity and femininity, and the songs are tinged with sadness and nostalgia. That being said, I actually find parts of this album very uplifting, especially on "Love Song" and "Mariners Apartment Complex". "Venice Bitch" is, simply put, a true masterpiece. It's the reason I checked out the album when I heard the single last year, and it damn near blows everything else out of the water with its gorgeous soundscapes and 9 minute length that could go on for an eternity if it wanted to. Regardless, there's a lot of songs here that I love, even if the LP is a little front-loaded. Lana has outdone herself this time with "Norman Fucking Rockwell!", and I already look forward to the projects she's announced for 2020. In the meantime, I should check out the LPs that I missed in her discography. Highlights: "Venice Bitch", "The greatest", "Mariners Apartment Complex", "How to disappear", "Cinnamon Girl", "Love song", "Norman fucking Rockwell"

9/10

Keepsake - Hatchie

Main Genres: Dream Pop, Indie Pop

A decent sampling of: Shoegaze, Synth Pop, Twee Pop, Jangle Pop

This album pretty clearly derives a lot of its sound from a particular era of early 90s dream pop, shoegaze, and jangle pop. So what makes "Keepsake" so special? For one, Hatchie knows her sound niche and does it incredibly well. Songs like "Stay With Me" and "Kiss The Stars" feel like lost gems from an era when they could've been heard on college radios in between the Cocteau Twins, MBV, and the Cranberries. While her sonic timbre is pure retro, Hatchie's own take on classic dream pop from a songwriting perspective is fresh and unique. Her lyrics and melodies are pure and saccharine in a way that reminds me of feel-good teen romcoms about sappy high school romances, only I mean that in the best way possible. Songs like "Without A Blush" and "Secret" feel like what I thought falling in love was gonna be like when I was 11 years old. "Stay With Me" is a rush of euphoria, and the song feels like prom again whenever I listen to it. Her pop songwriting sensibilities are well-crafted in a way that makes it look like she's been doing this for years and years, when really Hatchie only started putting out her own music in 2017. The sequencing of the tracks is well thought out, and I find "Keepsake" is at its strongest in the middle portion. There's just a certain essence of carefree youth and sentimentality that Hatchie has captured so vividly with this album. If you're looking to recapture the feeling of your best memories as a teenager, "Keepsake" will take you there. Strongest debut LP of the year, and I super look forward to whatever she does next. Highlights: "Stay With Me", "Secret", "Her Own Heart" "Kiss The Stars", "Without A Blush", "Unwanted Guest"

9/10

Djinn - Lingua Nada

Main Genres: Indie Rock, Psychedelic Rock, Noise Rock

A decent sampling of: Noise Pop, Progressive Rock, Math Rock, Neo-Psychedelia, Indietronica, Experimental Rock

Lingua Nada is that one really cool indie band that only I and a few others seem to know about. The band has a very distinct and creative sound which combines explosive noise with jerky, whacky rhythms and upbeat melodies. Last year's "Snuff" was a very raw and experimental album experience, and another year-end favourite of mine. This year's "Djinn" boasts slightly more conventional song structures, but the sonic timbres and rhythms are just as strange and beautiful, if not more. As its name would suggest, "Djinn" is partly inspired by Arabian folklore and evokes a sort of mysterious, ghostly presence on songs like the title track and "Salam Cyber". The mix of noise, acid-y psychedelics, and complex rhythms on "Habiba" and "Dweeb Weed" results in alien, otherworldly sounds. "These Hands Are Royal" is a very evocative track as well, with its propulsive beat and dusty guitar riffs giving me the distinct imagery of travelling a desert by foot. Lingua Nada never overwhelms the listener with their explosive songs on "Djinn", and the band takes time to mellow out a bit towards the end of the album with the bubbly, psychedelic indietronica bop "Yalla Yalla" and the minimalist folk tune "In Limbo". Lead vocalist Adam Lenox is buried pretty deep in the mix of guitars, and I wouldn't exactly say he has the strongest presence as a vocalist, but I can't say that this takes away much of the appeal because "Djinn" is clearly meant to be a more impressionistic experience. Lingua Nada have come out of the past two years with a strong 1-2 punch of innovative noise rock albums, and with "Djinn" they've proven themselves to be one of the most daring and multi-talented rock bands of the decade.

Highlights: "Habiba", "These Hands Are Royal", "Djinn", "Salam Cyber", "Yalla Yalla", "Proto", "Gucci Mecca"

9/10

Ginger - Brockhampton

Main Genres: Pop Rap, Contemporary R&B, West Coast Rap

A decent sampling of: Alternative R&B, Emo Rap, Conscious Rap, Indie Pop

This album feels like it's all about growth. Brockhampton have undergone a lot of changes as a band since they first blew up in 2017 between sudden fame, signing a major label, and kicking Ameer for his toxic behaviour. Last year's "Iridescence" felt like a raw, anguished, and messy response to the sudden changes the band had to cope with. Now it's 2019 and we have "Ginger", a more lowkey and sometimes deeply sad album, where members of Brockhampton are still processing many of the same problems. This time, however, the album is far more consistent, more nuanced, and overall, masterfully crafted. There's a lot of talk of male identity and what it means to be a man on "Ginger", and some of the traits brought up are moral integrity, honesty, and vulnerability, all which are part of emotional maturity and subvert machismo gender expectations. True to its album cover, "Ginger" is like a big hug for young guys struggling with depression, but anybody can get something out of this brilliant piece of art. The highlights are many: Joba's verse on "BIG BOY", Kevin's verse on "BOY BYE", and Matt's verse on "NO HALO" just to name a few. But the defining moment of "Ginger" is Dom's takedown of Ameer at the end of "DEARLY DEPARTED", a brilliant 66 seconds of anger, remorse, pain, and condemnation.  Guest rapper Victor Roberts rapping about his traumatic childhood experience with the police on album closer "VICTOR ROBERTS" is also a key highlight, and serves as a fitting note to end an album that so forwardly tackles depression and coping with traumatic life changes. The production is fantastic, from the effortlessly cool R&B jam "SUGAR" to weirder tracks like the off-kilter "IF YOU PRAY RIGHT" which is built around a cartoonish trombone riff. I simply can't praise this album enough. Brockhampton have matured as artists, and "Ginger" will go on to prove their legacy as one of the best rap groups of the 2010s. Highlights: "DEARLY DEPARTED", "NO HALO", "SUGAR", "GINGER", "BOY BYE", "VICTOR ROBERTS", "IF YOU PRAY RIGHT", "BIG BOY", “ST. PERCY”

10/10

Magdalene - FKA Twigs

Main Genres: Art Pop, Glitch Pop

A decent sampling of: Progressive Pop, Ambient Pop, Alternative R&B, Post-Industrial

It's hard to describe what makes this album so brilliant because it's so subtle. "MAGDALENE" slowly unravels to reveal its beauty, in the same way that a flower slowly blooms, petal by petal. Likewise, FKA Twigs slowly strips away all of her defenses, track by track, to reveal the heart of a wounded lover. "MAGDALENE" is all about the breakup of Twigs' highly publicized relationship with Robert Pattinson. The lyrics explore her lover's emotional distance on "home with you", her feelings of inadequacy after being thrust into the broader public eye on "cellophane", her lover's lies on "fallen alien", and the physical pain she endured undergoing fibroid surgery that rendered her feeling weak on "daybed". Like the rest of her work, many of the songs on "MAGDALENE" juxtapose the unnerving with the beautiful, with tracks like "mirrored heart" and "fallen alien" alternating between ethereal vocals backed by piano and glitchy, spine-tingling production that evokes earthquakes and mirrors shattering into hundreds of pieces. There's also a lot of empty space on this album, and a general appreciation for minimalism. Tracks like "mary magdalene" and "cellophane" are made stronger by allowing enough room for Twigs' vocals to carry the music, and boy does she ever. Twigs breathes, moans, cries, screams, whispers, and commands with her voice to utter perfection throughout. The vocal highlights are all over "MAGDALENE", but my absolute favourites include the last line of "home with you", the dark incantations of the verses on "fallen alien", and the withering refrain after the beat-drop on "cellophane". "cellophane" is the centerpiece of "MAGDALENE" and the perfect closer, like listening to the music of a dying flower as it slowly wilts away. Overall, "MAGDALENE" is a stunning piece of art. Twigs has reclaimed her pain on this album by turning one of the lowest points in her life into the most beautiful album of the year. Highlights: "cellophane", "home with you", "fallen alien", "mary magdalene", "daybed", "sad day", "mirrored heart", "thousand eyes"

10/10

[seoultraveller]

CATALINA HI !! Sorry for the super late reply ;((( I was in school for so long and when I did come home I spent all my time on the comeback🥳 gahdamn wow

I hope you’re doing good!! Omggg I’ve seen it on my tl;))) he’s so handsome though, so I understand you (especially with San, that man is stepping on my neck)🥰 Last week was great, it was nice staying at home and recharging💕💕 Now I’m trying to get through this miserable week back in school, but Ateez has saved me with the album and mv!!

Oh nooo fuck. So typical really ugh... that must’ve stressed you out since it was your first day on the re-assignment :( OH HELL NO, imagine the nightmare being alone with those kids omg- I’m glad you found your way there though🥺 YES, FUCK. THAT. It’s not often I see you swearing, and I’m loving it rn😌

Ugh, COVID... wonder when it will disappear :// the start of your week seemed chaotic I hope you’re well rested for this one🥱 Poor aide though, and verrrryyy understandable😂 Awh great to hear that the end of the week was relatively good!!💕

Both my dad and grandad have curly hair so it’s in my genes hehe :P though, my hair was straight until I reached puberty and now it’s only getting curlier and curlier🥳

I BET YOU HAVE A CHANCE WITH HIM C’MOOONNN !!! And when you do lose your shit I’ll be there supporting it😂😂 Omg yes exactly! It’s just interesting😌

SUCH MOOD. The entirety of ateez came for my heart and I don’t know what to do- I’m replaying the mv on and on and I just can’t decide which part I like the most because they all deliver amazing vocals/raps and the choreo is absolutely crazy!! And I love the r&b vibes WHEW✨ YES FIX ON😭 I’m the one is so catchy but the tears welled up in my eyes the second I heard fix on please

(F word is totally accepted here😉)

Hey Dee 💝 !!

No~~~ please don’t apologize. In fact, I have to apologize for responding so late. Can you believe they re-assigned me!!! But it’s at my original site, which is kind of nice, but the students are just... much more of a mess than I originally thought. The changing start times threw me off and I have not even keeping up very well with ATEEZ’s comeback, and all I want to do is sleep 😴. My body is the least happiest with all of these changes. But this comeback really is SOMETHING!!! I’m- 🤯🤯🤯 (every time my attention diverts to San’s abs... 🙃)

I’ve seen a few other forums that say he’s u*ly 😔. But I think he’s handsome and cute. Besides that’s the only thing that matters right, my opinion? 🤷🏾‍♀️☺️😂

How has the week at school been? At least it’s Friday 😂 How was your Friday? Yeah~~ ATEEZ truly came through. I am really appreciative of this comeback, although I have been falling behind, they’re providing us with this amazing comeback content and a lot of great and amazing content before that.

Do you have a favorite b-side?

The swearing 😂 I was so upset, and I still am... for re re re-assigning me. None of this made any sense and I know I don’t warrant one, but I would like an explanation as to how this was actually supposed to work. Everyone in administration is either losing their minds, or so far removed from the situation they’re just leaving us to figure it out. However, the pandemic is putting them in a tough spot as well.

It must’ve been a shock when your hair started curling but a cute look, I’m sure. Does you hair usually grow fast?

LOL 😂 a chance!?!? Only if I become a groupie... maybe. Supporting ATEEZ and a soccer/football club or player... don’t know if I could spare that kind of money 😂 😂 Thank you for being there as support 🥺. I just want to talk about him all the time. HELP! I’m so lame! ;l,kimjknkc

You give it to them! You give them your heart! That’s what you do!!! ❤️💜🧡💚💛💙💕💞💗💓 I have been just replaying it as much as I possibly could as well and I really like the gun-cocking part (that arm movement thing, I think it’s after the shoulder shake). I would say that’s my favorite part because it’s like they’re actually cocking a gun and the movement is so fast. YES the R&B!!! 🙌🙌🙌 Yes! Tears well up in my eyes everytime I hear FIX ON! He’s there! He’s there!! 🥺

[hopeaterart]

How about the story of how Sadao and Holly met? Or their first date?

Oh, you’re gonna be happy: I already had something more or less written.

Holly nervously checked her watch, feet bouncing in impatience under the table. He should be here by now.

She had recently arranged an interview with the pianist of the Aotsugi, a japanese jazz band who had recently published their first original album. While the reception in their home country had been lukewarm, it had been an immediate hit in America, a good chunk of Europe, and North Africa. They had then gone on tour, and during said tour, a bunch of small scandals involving them happened, keeping them in the spotlight and ending with their agent getting arrested for possession of drugs. This city was pretty much the last they were giving a concert in.

The pianist was the only member who had miraculously avoided getting involved in any of the scandals. He was also the only one who had vehemently refused to give interviews. Until now, that is. After a lenghty phone discussion with a raspy man's voice, her in a phone both and hi on the hotel's reception phone that had (thankfully) let her contact him through them, Holly Joestar, upcoming journalist who wished to not involve herself in tabloids, had succeeded in getting an interview with Sadao Kujo, the pianist of Aotsugi. 

Even if right now, she felt like a teenager that's just been stood up.

"Uh, lady?" Holly turned, startling the short man behind her. Long black hair in a low ponytail, cigarette at his lips, military cap, heavy trench coat… it was him.

"Oh! You must be mister Kujo!" Holly said, eyes twinkling. The short man snorted.

"Yeah, and you must be the journalist who claim she's actually interested in our music." He answered, sitting down. "I hope this won't be a waste of my time…"

"Don't worry, I already have my questions prepared, you are free to refuse answering if they make you uncomfortable, and I am planning on getting this published in an actual music journal, not in some column of a celebrity gossip magazine. We also agreed over the phone that I was not to publish this until after this tour was finished. It's not due to a breach of contract, but due to not wanting to accidently cause yet another scandal this late in the tour." Sadao nodded, apparently impressed with what Holly considered to be common decency.

"At least, I know I'm not dealing with a paparazzi… let me go get some coffee, and then we can start."

-

"Alright, so…" Holly started, opening her notebook and starting the recorder. "Let's start with an introduction: who you are, and what your role in the band is."

"Okay. Name's Kujo Sadao, and I'm the pianist and principal song writer of Aotsugi, a japanese jazz band. I'm also the only member of the band that doesn't lend in their vocals for any song." The man explained. Holly nodded, writing a few notes before going onto the next question.

"I'm warning you now, I may ask some questions I didn't plan earlier: so, why don't you back up the vocals?"

"It's 'cause my voice is scratchy as hell from all the cigarettes I smoke." He answered with a shrug. Holly nodded.

"Where did the name of your band come from?"

"Oh god, you really are interested in what we're doing- it's a pun on kintsugi, the practice of repair in objects with golden lacque with the idea that the object has become more beautiful after getting broken through it's repairs." Sadao started explaining, his tone somehow conveying more appreciation despite not changing. "'Kin' means gold, and 'Ao' means blue. As in 'blues', which is appropriate since our songs can get pretty sad. Basically, we were damaged, but we're healing through our music, and we're better off for it."

"Oh!" Holly exclaimed. "I didn't realize just how deep the meaning was!"

"It's a pun."

"But it's a deep pun. Who's idea was it?"

"Shouko, our guitarist and main vocals. She's also a former J-Pop idol, so she's got some expertise in word play."

"I see. Now, what is the main inspirations for your songs?"

Sadao whistled. "I won't go into details, but my fucked up childhood is up there. We all try to contribute with our own experiences, so there's also the flaws of the idol industries for Shouko, the screwed up juridicial system Kaede's parents experienced in her teens, Yuichi's general hatred of discrimination, stuff like that."

"Oh! So, you're an activist band?"

"Kind of. We take the things that hurt us, break them down, and use the parts to fight back in our own way." Holly nodded, fascinated. And to think most people were only interested in what scandals they were involved in! This was far more interesting, and nobler, too.

"Alright! Is there a reason why some songs have a different feel than others?"

"Oh! That's actually pretty simple: depending on what subject we're singing about, we also try changing sub-genre." Sadao explained. "For example, songs about my childhood, which is most of them, are composed to have a blues feel to them, but the ones about Yuichi's anger are more punk. The ones about the pop industries are mixed with, well, pop, which can be noticed in the beat, and juridicial system gets a good dose of smooth- I’m talking about smooth jazz."

Harry nodded, taking a few more notes. "So, depending on who the song is about, you change genres?"

"Sub-genres. We're still jazz musicians, and we're all from Japan. This affects how we play. We just like having some diversity in our music." Sadao explained.

"Oh! So, Japan has a large jazz scene?" A nod from the short man. Holly's face lit up at the new tidbit of knowledge. "I didn't know that! Could you please tell me more?"

Sadao truly smiled for the first time that evening. "I'd love to, but maybe another time?"

"Oh right! We're in the middle of something. Sorry about that, I can be fairly scatterbrained." Harry apologized, Sadao nodding in acceptance of her apology. "Now, back to the interview! How did the band start out?"

"Okay, how do I put this without making it sound like we're all crackheads…" Sadao muttered, not noticing that Harry heard until he chuckled nervously. "We're not! But uh… it's a weird story…"

"I can deal with weird." Harry reassured. Sadao hummed, but shook his head.

"If you say so, but there's already weird stories about us because of all the scandals, and I don't want to add to the dumpster fire." Holly nodded in understanding as Sadao went back to thinking. "We met in a bar." He said suddenly. "Shouko's career was going downhill like most idols after the few first months, Kaede had been thrown out of her house by her boyfriend, Yuichi's career as a garage band's drummer was going downhill, and I was actually a waiter off my shift. After a few drinks and gathering around the pool table, we bitched about our respective problems for four hours, and got thrown out. Well, fired in my case. We decided to just crash at the capsule hotel three streets corner away. About a month and a lot of bullshit later, the band was formed. Our first album was actually a cover one, mainly of love songs. It basically compiled everything we played as gigs. Our second one, Kiri no Hansha, is our first original album. It means 'Foggy reflection', by the way."

Holly 'oooh'-ed. "So you all have different origins. How did you all start out? In the realm of music, I mean."

"Errrr… I was part of the music club at my school consistently and all of that stuck, Kaede actually used to work in orchestras, Yuichi was part of a garage band, and I already mentioned several times that Shouko used be an idol. I don't know for the others, but I also had an obsession with jazz music when I was younger."

"Oh! I really want to ask you about it, now." Holly whined, Sadao snorting in answer.

"I'd be glad to tell you in a less… formal setting." The short man re-assured, smiling when Holly visibly lit up. "What's the next question?"

"Alright! There's only three left, and one of them is kind of linked to the scandals, but it doesn't really concern your group, alright?" Sadao nodded in understanding. "What are your future plans?"

"We're finishing the tour with our current agency -it should correspond to when our contract ends- then we're taking a break from everything, and we start on our next album. I can't say much about it, but we're planning on doing something more uniform this time around. We've also been invited to play at a few events in the coming months, so we're gonna be doing that while working on the next album. I can also say that we're not planning to split anytime soon." Sadao said in a matter of fact tone, taking a sip of of her coffee before pulling a face. "I shouldn't have let it cool."

Harry snorted, before going onto the next question, of which she slightly changed the wording on the paper. "So you are planning on changing agency? Is it because of what happened with your agent?"

"Oh, we were planning on finding another agency long before our agent turned out to have drugs." He snarled. "Beside the fact that he's an over-controlling asshole, our current agency is also the idol agency that exploited Shouko, threw her out, and then forced her to come back due by using her contract when we started working independently. We only accepted so we could rise in our career faster, and we're not pretty little things to put in a magazine." A wolfish grin appeared on her face. "And they don't have any rights over our music either, since Yuichi argued for our contract that the songs we sing belong to who wrote them. And since our first album- it's just called Aotsugi Covers- is a cover album, and I pretty much wrote the entirety of Kiri no Hansha…" Sadao trailed off with a smile. "Get fucked, Ai records. Please don't put that in the interview, they don't even know I'm doing this." Holly snorted.

"Don't worry! I keep my promises: this won't get published until your group finishes it's tour. Now, last question: how do you feel about the overwhelmingly positive reception to your music?"

"Great! We all do. Meeting our fans was a blast." Sadao admitted, a bright smile stretching his features. "Felt good to be appreciated."

"O-oh…" Harry said, his attitude dropping. He shut the recorder as Sanae raised an eyebrow.

"Is that it?"

"Yes. I'm finished asking you questions about the band…" Harry said, averting his eyes from Sadao. She then raised her head. "So, about our next meeting- no!" A strong windows just made his notebook fly away from the table and in the middle of the streets. The blonde woman was about to get out of his chair to fetch it, but Sadao was out in an instant, jumping in the street. Thankfully,  the streets was empty as the notebook landed, the short man bending over to pick it up.

And then, a car turned out of nowhere and hit him full-on as he was getting back up, sending him flying a few meters away.

"Oh god!" Holly screamed, jumping into the streets to make sure Sadao was alright. The shorter man groaned as Holly came near him, the driver of the car also getting out to yell at him.

"Hey! What the hell's your problem-"

"What the hell is YOUR problem!? You hit this man with your car!" Holly angry retorted as she helped Sadao get up.

"Don't worry, Joestar-San, wouldn't be the first time that happens." Holly turned toward Sanae with a semi-confused, semi-surprised expression.

"Wha-"

Crunch

"...One of my leg is broken." Sadao suddenly said. He then started falling down as blood visibly started appearing on his pants. "Yeah, my leg's broken." He then landed on his knees with another crack. "Call an ambulance." He then fell to the ground, and started screaming.

"OH MY GOD-"

-

"You got hit by a car. Again."

"Shut up, Kaede."

"It wasn't even as big as the one from last time, how the fuck did it break your leg?"

"I said shut up." Sadao told his band mate,  who put her hands in the air. It had been a few days after the incident. He hadn't remembered much after he fell down, mainly a few minutes of screaming, Joestar-san trying to calm him down, the ambulance coming in, getting into the ambulance alone, and he then blacked out from pain. When he woke up, his leg was in a cast and she was high as a kite on morphins.

He would have to play the piano in a wheelchair for their last concert of the tour, which had been postponned. Thankfully, the theater had found a spot where they would be able to play next week instead of this Friday, and everyone who had bought a ticket had been offered a refund or a ticket for the new date, depending on what they wanted. The spot left vacant had instead been taken by an impro team. Guess they're gonna put those impro skill to play.

"Yeah, Kaede. Leave Sadao alone." Yuichi snapped. The constantly angry guy then turned her attention to the pianist. "You're sure you're gonna be alright for the concert?"

"Yuichi, it won't be the first time I'm either high as shit or in extreme pain at a concert." Sadao deadpanned. "I thought our concerts in London and Manhattan proved that."

"How the hell no one notices the bullshit you get into is beyond me." Shouko muttered from the chair she was sitting in.

"It's because everyone else was focused on the bullshit you got into during those concerts." Yuichi snapped again. Shouko frowned at him.

"At least, I never went in a holding cell."

"Guys, it's fine. Stop fighting. The reason why I don't get caught when I start bullshitting is because I make sure I don't get caught." Sadao said. "Also, I've been at it for longer than you guys. Been doing this since I was seven so my parents would go easy on me. Also, believe it or not, but Ichiryu was onto something when he said we should all probably go to therapy. So I don't feel the need to do stupid shit in my past-time. I have other coping mechanisms, now."

"Uh-uh. Does Kaname-san knows it was your idea to frame our agent, or…?"

"I am under no obligation to answer to that question." Sadao robotically answered Shouko, who sighed in exasperation. "But yeah guys, don't worry. I'll be fine for the concert."

"That's good to know." Kaede noted. Someone then knocked at the door. "Come in!" A blond caucasian woman entered. Sadao sat up as straight as his current position allowed her.

"Joestar-san?"

"Hi, mister Kujo!" The blond woman answered as she got in the room, holding a huge bouquet of flowers. "I just wanted to come and check if you were alright?"

"Oh, yeah. Don't worry." Sadao answered. "Guys, this is Holly Joestar, aka the only journalists who gives a shit about what we do." All of his band mates proceeded to turn toward her, introducing themselves and thanking her for taking the time to learn more about them. 

Harry simply thanked them for letting him ask questions, before fully turning toward Sadao. "I got flowers for you right here-" She put the bouquet on a table that was close-by "-and wanted to know if next Wednesday was alright for my jazz history lesson? Or is it too soo?"

Sadao’s face lit up as much as it could in his drugged state. "No, next Wednesday is fine! By the way, we have a concert in two weeks, and Shouko has free tickets on her. If you're interested, you could come?"

"Oh, I would love to!" Harry said. After a short exchange with the singer, the blonde man was given a ticket and left the room with one last goodbye. All the members sighed in something that was not quite exhaustion, but close to it.

"God, that girl is like, our complete opposite." Kaede commented.

"Yeah, I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with her." Sadao commented. All movement in the room stopped. The three other members of Aotsugi then turned toward him with confused faces.

"You- you don't have to." Shouko said after a pregnant silence. Sadao shook his head in answer, baffling his bandmates even further.

"No, I'm gonna."

[amoveablejake]

Well, Here We Are

It is time for the obligatory year in review piece, I know, try and contain your excitement. 

Well, here we are. The end of another calendar year. 2020 is drawing to a close and so like many, if not all, journalistic outlets I too will be doing my year in review. Do I count as a journalistic outlet I hear you ask? Yes. I’ve decided that I do. This is my column and I’m going to to pretend that I am a columnist here. And I can’t hear your eye rolls because I’m busy hiding behind my clicking keyboard. 

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about how I wanted to structure my year in review, for instance did I want to go through each category in a classic way and also would I also only speak about things that came out this year. The answer to both, is a no. Instead I am going to present to you my alternative awards for the year. There will still be runners up but the categories may be a little bit all over the place so if you were planning on counting on  a sure thing award winner that might be out the window now. That being said, shall we dive into perhaps the most chaotic awards show you’re going to experience this year. 

The album that I listened to literally on repeat for a week whilst I was working and as result now know ridiculously well. Perhaps too well - Winner: Pink Floyd ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ 

Right. So. Back in April one rainy Monday afternoon I put on ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ to listen to it through in its entirety for the first time. I had heard songs from it before and I was familiar with Pink Floyd’s music before this but this was what sent me down a spiral of their discography, so much so that Spotify have dubbed them my artist of the year based on playtime. Whilst I would not consider them to be my artist of the year, I can’t deny how deep I’ve gone into their library and in particular ‘Dark Side of the Moon’. I quite literally had it playing on repeat for the entirety of that week and now, now I simply don’t know if I ever truly existed before that album. Am I the album? Is the album me? I’m in too deep. 

The best representation of Seattle in a post apocalyptic video game - Winner: ‘The Last of Us Part Two’

Honestly, I know that this category makes it pretty clear that Last of Us was always going to win but that is because if it wasn’t on this list somewhere I think it might have indeed been a federal crime. This year I played both editions of Joel and Ellie’s story pretty much back to back and boy oh boy was that quite the ride. Part Two is a gruesome, grueling, revenge fueled ride that in all honesty is some of the best storytelling I have ever experienced. In any medium. It’s narrative is phenomenal, its game design is unparalleled, the voice acting and soundtrack are both out of this world and the way it looks is breathtaking. It is a game that continuously left me speechless and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since I put it down. The fact that Joel looks like my Dad did and wears the same clothes only partly adds to the emotions it makes me feel. Although I won’t pretend the bit where Joel is talking to Ellie didn’t hit me quite hard. But hey, thats the game’s point. Its a story designed to make you feel and oh boy does it achieve that. 

The football player who came out of nowhere to bring life back to my club - Winner: Bruno Fernandes 

It has been a lot ol’ time since I’ve seen a player that I instantly fell for. Bruno Fernandes arrived in Manchester with an already strong reputation but he has completely transformed a team and shows no sign of slowing down. His first twelve months have been unparalleled and the comparisons drawn with a certain other Portuguese player who was worn that red shirt are not only warranted but deserved. 

The band who I’ve been missing all my life: Winner - Niteflyte 

Quite frankly, this is a very hard award to give. There were quite a few front runners however, it has to be Niteflyte. I got introduced to Niteflyte via a podcast about the CIA’s involvement with the soundtrack of the Berlin wall coming down (’Wind Of Change’, listen to it now. Well after you’ve finished reading this piece that is). The podcast only played Niteflyte because one of the figures it was investigating used to manage the band. It was a thirty second sound bite if that and it stopped me in my tracks. I was walking in my old city at the time and I had to stop on the street and find the album the song was from and put it on straight away. I have previously written about Niteflyte and their self titled album on the blog so go back and read that for a more in depth look however, if you take one thing from this it might be that if I was going to give an artist of the year award, lets just say I think I know who it would go to. 

The best motion picture handling of a father that has passed away that I have seen. Ever - Winner: ‘Onward’ 

When I first heard what ‘Onward’ was about I was, hesitant. Any film where a parent particularly a father comes back to life always makes me filled with trepdiation and this was the case when I went to go and watch ‘Onward’ back in March (the last film I saw in the cinema before all of this). Instead, what I found was an incredibly moving and sensitive film about losing a parent that had at its end the best handling of a reunion between father and son that I have ever seen on the big screen. I have watched it a second time since and I still found it to be incredibly well done. ‘Onward’ might well be my film of the year because of it, I’m that impressed. It is also a great film in its own right but hey, I can’t deny why it sticks out in my head. 

The show that keeps on getting better and better: Winner - ‘The Mandalorian’ 

Sigh. Everytime I think that that ‘The Mandalorian’ couldn’t possibly get any better it goes and proves me wrong. This year started off with the finale of series one and it has ended with the conclusion of the second series. It is a masterpiece and for that I don’t want to ruin its ending here. Instead I will say that it does get better and better each week and for this life long die hard Star Wars fan, hell, it might be my favourite Star Wars property. And I know that won’t mean anything to you, but to me, that is saying something. 

Okay, so, I could keep going on and on with these awards however, its the festive period and I don’t want to keep you hanging around too much so instead I am going to include below some honourable mentions with a little sentence about each. 

‘Anxious People’ - If I was to give a book of the year award winner this would be it. In fact its one of my top ten books ever. Its perfection. Read it. Now. 

‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ - Released at the perfect time and all these months later it still captures my heart everytime I go on it. 

‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’ soundtrack - Look. I don’t need to make my feelings about this album any clearer. We know I love it and I hope that you’ve listened to it by now and you do too. 

Diego Maradona - The greatest of all time. There’s nothing more to say. 

‘The Prestige’ - Oh boy. I had heard about this film a lot from the IGN UK podcast over the years and it did not disappoint at all. Especially who plays a certain Mr Tesla. That reveal blew me away. 

Joe Exotic - Watching ‘Tiger King’ really felt like event viewing and came along at the perfect time like Animal Crossing. Joe Exotic, I don’t know what to say but he has earned his place on this list thats for sure. 

‘I’ve Got My Second Wind’ - I heard this on one of the early days in January, maybe the second or third and I’ve been listening to it ever since. My song of the year. 

Philippe Auclair - Football journalist and singer. Auclair who features on the Guardian’s Football Weekly podcast regularly is an incredibly articulate speaker and is never afraid to hold the more questionable footballing authorities accountable. One of the writers and figures in football that I look up to the most. Oh and hes an excellent singer. What a man. 

Napoli FC - This was the year that I fell in love with Napoli. Theres no looking back now, I finally found my own team. 

‘Uncharted Four: A Thief’s End’ - The game that showed me, truly, how good games can be. I felt like it was a crime that this game is so perfect. It feels like the inside of my head and I never wanted it to end. 

My brother, James - Look. I know you’re reading this and you more than deserve your place on this list. I was going to give you a proper award but I couldn’t quite get the wording right. Anyway, the point is you’re on the list as you always will be. (And yes, you’re in the same section as Joe Exotic, quite the compliment I know) 

So there we have it. 2020. Hopefully the above gives you something to think about and some things to consume over this festive period before we go again for the new year. This won’t be the final piece for the year but all the same, I hope its a bright 2021 for you, see you in the future. 

- Jake, a man who is immediately re assessing the awards, 27/12/2020

[dustedmagazine]

Listed: Three Lobed Recordings

For 20 years, Three Lobed Recordings has explored the outer reaches of psychedelic music, presenting Bardo Pond’s heaviest, most improvisatory albums, documenting the American primitive revival via recordings of Jack Rose and Daniel Bachman, listening to emanations from space-age folk troubadours like Wooden Wand, Sunburned Hand of the Man and Matt Valentine and generally pursuing the beauty of experiment, wherever it occurs. To celebrate these past two fruitful decades, label founder Cory Rayborn lists ten of the albums that define Three Lobed (and, necessarily, leaves out others equally valid and interesting). We look forward to lots more in the decades to come.

Personal Choice Cuts from the TLR Catalog (in no particular order, 9 of which might be different if you were to ask me tomorrow).

Gunn-Truscinski Duo — Ocean Parkway (2012)

Ocean Parkway by Gunn-Truscinski Duo

Every time I listen to this album, especially the title track, I feel transported. Long ago my college roommate Jon Nall articulated a test for transcendent songs, for the ones that impact you no matter how many times you hear them. He summed those all-time tracks up as the ones where the hairs on your arms uncontrollably stand up every time you hear them. While every track on this album does it for me every time, throwing me into a sort of uncontrollable head nod and body sway, I am always fully taken away by the entirety of the title track and Steve's swirling guitar build over the entire eighth minute punctuated by the ecstatic tones he hits at 9:06. Yow. The feeling I get from this album is why the label exists.

Various Artists — Eight Trails, One Path (2012)

Eight Trails, One Path by Various Artists

Record Store Day is tough. I love the attention and cash it puts into the hands of independent retailers but hate how commodified it has become over time by the powers that be / majors who see it as an excuse to pump out a bunch of junk that will end up being shelf warmers and ankle weights on those same retailers they claims to be supporting. The first few years when most of the titles were truly from and by indies it was a lot of fun. That was the feeling that led to wanting to put out an RSD title in mid-2011 (an illness I’ve since overcome). Originally conceived as a joined pair of split 7"s, it morphed into a triple 7" and then to a full length album. I wanted to showcase different approaches to solo guitar work and set out to ask a lot of my favorites. I also wanted to put together a special package which was fleshed out with help by Casey Burns on graphics, Grayson Haver Currin on words and Jeff Mueller on printing. I’m still amazed at the interlocked nature of all of the contributions to this one, from Six Organs’ spiritual sibling to “Ascent” in the form of “Stranded on Io” (a track that is a wordless tale all within itself) to the circular beauty of David Daniell’s “Housewarming” and everything else on here. I really love this record.

Tom Carter — Long Time Underground (2015)

Long Time Underground by Tom Carter

Late in 2013 I was chatting with Tom about what shape a record should take. He wanted to go to Black Dirt and get a good, clean capture of what he had been working on with Jason Meagher. TLR is always onboard with a Black Dirt election. Fast forward several months and family TLR was visiting some friends in Vermont around the same time Tom was in the area. We met up and he handed off the masters for a double LP. While we knew that the mix of Tom’s playing, Tom’s writing and Jason’s engineering was going to be magical but we had no idea of the exact form or how insanely potent the album was going to be. Damn. Seriously, just listen to this stuff and absorb that these are all single takes, no overdubs. Haunting and celebratory all at once.

Daniel Bachman — The Morning Star (2018)

The Morning Star by Daniel Bachman

It is pretty fun to watch the arc and path that Daniel’s writing, recording and performing have taken over the last 15 years. From powerhouse steamroller to the intersection of musique concrète and acoustic drone, his current location could maybe have been seen in his early recordings but you likely would have lost most of those dice rolls. The Morning Star speaks to me in so many ways but the stunning bookends of “Invocation” and “New Moon” always hit like a ton of bricks. What is amazing is how Daniel can turn these album cuts into live performances. I saw “New Moon” several times while Daniel was in the process of touring this 2016 self-titled album, always transfixed by it live — the album version loses none of that potency. On the other hand, Daniel re-created “Invocation” at the 2018 Three Lobed / WXDU Annual Ritual of Summoning to stunning effect.

The Michael Flower Band — self-titled (2008)

The Michael Flower Band by The Michael Flower Band

An audio / aural bomb blast, a kosmik rearrangement of the space/time directly around the listener. This take no prisoners statement from Mick Flower (guitar) and John Moloney (drums) is a deep slice for catalog enthusiasts. Just tune into “Balinese Falsehood” and try to not get fully lost. Years ago I described this as “biker psych for the third eye rider” and I’ll stand by that statement fully today.

Wooden Wand and the World War IV — self-titled (2013)

Wooden Wand & the World War IV by Wooden Wand & the World War IV

Picking between Wooden Wand titles is hard for this particular enthusiast but if forced I think I have to push the needle towards the intense Crazy Horse vibes of this studio corker. Surrounded by the “Briarwood” band, perhaps the most telepathic folks with whom Toth has ever played, the results are electric and transfixing. Will I kick myself tomorrow for not picking Clipper Ship? TBD...

Meg Baird & Mary Lattimore — Ghost Forests (2018)

Ghost Forests by Meg Baird and Mary Lattimore

I don’t remember when it came to me, the fact that there wasn’t a deliberately ground-up collaboration between Meg and Mary in existence. I had to ask them if that was purposeful or a gap that was truly something that we should remedy, a question where I had my fingers crossed the entire time. They were both really into the concept, it just took the triangulation of busy satellites to make all of our desires into reality. The results are as sturdy, sheltering and invisible at the edges as the album's title, facts that we are all the better for each time we wrap ourselves in this particular fabric. An all-timer.

Jack Rose — The Black Dirt Sessions (2009)

The Black Dirt Sessions by Jack Rose

I had the good luck and fortune to get to know Jack back in the Pelt days and watch his transition from that ensemble into the singular player and performer that he was for the last eight years of his too short life. Watching a Jack set was always a tiny miracle. I remember him calling me one day, telling me that he had gone to record with Jason Meagher and he had a record that he would really love for me to put out if I was interested. Not only was I most most certainly interested, but I was amazingly humbled and flattered that this friend who I also considered a modern master had recorded something specifically for me without even discussing it with me first. That level of trust was the gift and magic of Jack. If he believed in you that belief gave you all of the power you needed to make anything reality, you were suddenly bulletproof. Every track here is a stunner but “Cross the North Fork” always pulls me in, dares me to turn my attention anywhere else. Rest in power, friend.

Chuck Johnson — Crows In The Basilica (2013)

Crows In The Basilica by Chuck Johnson

Every track on this perfectly constructed and sequenced album is flawlessly beautiful but “On A Slow Passing In Ghost Town” is one of the top 10 tracks in the entire TLR catalog in my estimation. Exactingly and properly composed, performed and recorded.

Bardo Pond — Peri (2009)

Peri by Bardo Pond

The love of Bardo Pond was the seed that initially drove me to create a record label. Their single-minded determination to seek audio truth was apparent to me ages ago and so very inspirational. I ate up everything — the releases, the live shows, the live recording — and I hung on every note. The band had a lot of really, really great tunes that they had been working on between 2001 and 2003, the period between their departing Matador for ATP Records. I could never shake the power of several of the tracks from this era that sort of got abandoned to the shifts of time. After several conversations with Michael Gibbons two albums were born from that period and from some other exceptionally potent tracks. Batholith was the first of these two albums and Peri, the second. Both are so very special to me, the fruit of knowing folks needed to hear these compositions. When writing here I have to pick Peri today as it closes with “Silver Pavilion,” an all-time Bardo Pond thesis statement of sorts.

[girlinthepictureframe]

The Briefest Kiss Part 2

Thank you for all the likes and the kind words. I’ve decided to turn this into a longer story that follows Alex and Miles from the moment the EYCTE tour comes to an end up to ‘now’. I hope you’ll like it. :)

Part 2

Miles woke up alone in bed and that, truly, came to no surprise. Alex had a habit of slipping out as soon as the first rays of sunlight slipped in. The only time he had ever stayed until the next morning had been the first night he’d come over and when they had woken up, all tangled up in one another, Alex had been uncomfortable to say the least.  

Whereas Miles had simply held on to Alex to stay warm, since it had been a cold winter morning, Alex had squirmed and struggled to gain distance from him. And that had become the theme anytime they touched. Alex needed human contact, needed to touch people, to know that it was okay to be close to others. But he could only endure it for so long. At some point it became too intense, too heavy with meaning, and then he bolted.  

In the beginning, Miles had taken it personal. He had struggled with the entirety of it, found it odd that Alex would walk up to him, hug him, hold him, drape himself all over him in a sense, but then, when Miles would come to Alex for the same kind of connection, Alex would pull away. It had taken him a while to understand it and to not hold on, but to simply let go. These days, a decade into their friendship, it was just one more thing that made Alex unique in Miles’ perception. And, also, it was one more thing that made Miles protective of Alex.  

After digging his face into the pillow one last time, breathing in that unique scent of hotel room pillow mixed with Alex Turner, he climbed out of bed and headed towards the shower. They had to be on the road in an hour and if there was one thing Miles hated, it was leaving late. Which, when you were touring with Alex, was a regular occurrence.  

Half an hour later he was sitting in the lobby, coffee in hand, reading up on the latest news. By the time Alex strolled down, he was on the phone with his girlfriend.  

“No, babe, I told you. We went to our rooms early.”  

Alex sat down across from Miles, took the coffee out of his hand and finished it off. “’nother one?” he asked, wiggling the cup.

Miles shook his head. “Hannah, I mean it, you won’t bother anyone if you come back along for a bit. Alex doesn’t hate you! He’s just...” He met Alex’s eyes, eyebrows raised, and hesitated. “Well, he’s...kind of hard to get to know. And you get along well with Taylor. So you’re not alone. She’ll be joining us soon, too. Okay, well, think about it. Love ya.” He hung up.

Alex leaned back and dramatically crossed his arms. “So, I’m hard to get to know, huh? How long are the two of you together now? Maybe, if she stopped looking at me as though I am Santa Clause, I’d be more open to a conversation.”

“Al, she doesn’t understand this thing that you and I have. She walked in on us while I was taking a shower and you were laying on the bed in your underwear, singing All You Need Is Love to me.”

“It was fucking hot that day, your AC was broken and you said you needed inspiration. The Beatles always inspire you!”

Miles rolled his eyes. It was a perfectly reasonable explanation. “I know that, you know that, she...tries to understand that.”

“Whatever. Well, I’m ready to go. Shall we leave for the bus?”

“Let’s leave for the bus,” said Miles and fell into step next to Alex. “Last night you wore the pajama I gave you.” A grin tugged on his lips. “Comfortable, ey? Did it help you sleep well?”

Alex smiled but didn’t say anything. That was enough to make him smile, too. At least Alex had slept well, then. Miles tried to forget his call with Hannah. She wasn’t here yet and until she arrived, he wouldn’t worry about her getting along with Alex. Sometimes he wished she’d be a tiny bit more like Taylor. Taylor was cool with everything. She never asked why, she just went with it. If Alex and he wanted to sing to one another during dinner, she just laughed and enjoyed the entertainment. If Alex wanted to spend time with him instead of her, she shrugged it off and never took offense. And if she wanted to spend time with Alex, she was blunt about it and Miles was happy to use that time to, in return, spend time with Taylor’s dog. He liked it when things were easy. Complications and personal conflict put him in a bad mood. They clogged his head and stopped him from thinking about music and that was enough to ruin any day.  

Alex linked his arm with Miles’. “A few more weeks and we’ll be done with this tour. Time has passed so fast.”

“Almost too fast.”

“I detect a note of sadness in your voice. Will you miss spending all your days with me? I will miss your company.”

Miles pulled him closer. “I’ll miss you, alright. But lately I keep thinking about my next steps. I want to release my next album as soon as possible. I can’t wait to record it. But writing new material...it’s been harder and harder. I find myself utterly uninspired.”

“Still?”  

“At first I thought it was just a fluke. But it’s been weeks since I really wanted to write a song. I don’t know how to deal with that. I’ve never felt that way before.”

“Maybe you need something new in your life,” suggested Alex as he leaned in and pressed the quickest kiss on Miles’ cheek. “Or, maybe, you need a passionate love affair. A wicked tryst, a moment of moral decay, to draw inspiration from.”

“Or perhaps I simply need a vacation,” countered Miles as he let Alex’s arm slip away from his. They stood in front of the tour bus and when the door opened, he held out his hand for Alex. The latter took it, smiled and climbed up to steps. Miles followed behind him.  

The bus driver chuckled as he started the engine. “You guys are such a Jane Austen novel!”  

“Jealous?” Alex grinned. “I can’t help the fact that my Miles is such a gentleman!”

Miles bowed stately, lowered head and all, as he bit back a bark of laughter. “Somebody has to help the princess to get on board safely!”  

“Precisely,” joined Alex, performing a magnificent curtsy. “My Lord!”

“My Lady!”  

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” muttered the bus driver as he drove ahead.  

They had spent most of the day apart. Alex had a newfound obsession with space and planets and kept reading book after book while trying his hardest not to recite every last detail to Miles or whoever else was around. Not that Miles minded the occasional science lecture but Alex found even the most trivial information endlessly exciting and at some point Miles couldn’t listen to any more theories on why certain grains of sand had certain shapes.  

That aside, Miles was busy with being too busy to write. He had replied to every single email in his account, had reorganized his calendar and his phone contacts and ordered a new piece of furniture for his London apartment. Not long and he’d return to it and by then his ever-growing collection of loafers needed additional living space. Or maybe he just needed a bigger apartment. And so, after buying furniture online, he’d checked for bigger apartments.  

Alex had gone to bed an hour ago and by the time he settled into his bunk, everyone on the bus was already sleeping. Or so he thought. At first, one hand slipped between the drapes of his bunk, then a second one, and after that, swiftly, the rest of Alex followed. Miles just scooted further to the side to make so room. “If you plan on sleeping here,” he whispered as quietly as he could, “bring your own pillow.”

Resting on his back, Alex tugged his chin above Miles’ shoulder. “Yours smells better,” he murmured. “Did you mean it? Earlier? Taking a vacation?”

Miles nodded into the darkness.  

“I’ve always wanted to go to India. Maybe we could go together when this tour is done? Or we could go somewhere else. You’ve always wanted to go see the Penguins. We could do that. Or do both.”

For a while they laid side by side in complete silence. Miles would love to travel the world with Alex, but so would Taylor. And while she was no doubt cool about a lot of things, he doubted she’d be fine with Alex leaving for a while after having just done a tour all summer. Not to forget, Hannah had already suggested a few places where she had always wanted to go.

Sadness fell over Miles as the inevitable became inescapable: One day soon he would have to say goodbye to Alex. This tour had been the culmination of two years in which they had become inseparably close. But this time was coming to an end. They would remain friends forever, but they would see less of each other. So much less.  

And Alex knew, too. Miles could tell. It was why his friend suggested going away together. It was his way of prolonging the unpreventable.  

Miles reached for Alex hand and squeezed it almost desperately. “Let’s not talk about it tonight.”

“Promise me something, Mi? Wherever we go when this is over, let’s never stray too far from one another.”

“Never.” Miles turned to face the wall, tugged Alex’s arm around him and all but draped himself with his best friend. Alex pulled him tightly against his front and covered them both with the blanket.  

“Night, Mi.”

“Night, Al.”

[crlnsmnt]

today — but truly the day before yesterday

there was a day in which I woke up and I am not sure what time it was [and I am also pretty sure this is very irrelevant right now] but I woke up and it was a day.

a day it was, a day: a day in which an album had just come out and I listened to it lying down on the couch that we bought a few months ago. we bought it between canals in a building made of some sort of history and thin walls that are thinner than one's heater would wish they were. when we decided to buy it, I am quite sure there was nothing in mine or anyone else's mind that would've led anyone to think I'd end up listening to FETCH THE BOLT CUTTERS lying on it — also because back then, a few months ago, the album wasn't yet such a public thing as it now is, now that it is out in the world. when I finished listening to it for the first time, deezer did its thing that it does when you finish listening to an album and it started playing it all again from the start. no, wait: maybe it's not a deezer thing: maybe it's a thing when you have that button that repeats things in their entirety once they are done? and so I took that to mean I should and would very much like to perhaps listen to it right then at least a second time — which is not an idea I followed through when it had happened the time before but still. and so I was lying very still still and I waited for the bolt cutters to fetch me from whatever was keeping me inside. 

and yes sure I cried. but isn't it such an artless thing to say — "I cried"... isn't it what most humans do from time to time? and it doesn't mean anything in specific: it means as much as "I breathed" or "I ate" or "I walked" or "I stood up" or some sort of action like that that one might put after "I". and so what it is to say — what does it mean to say that "I cried"? 

yes I guess it is a way of avoiding the crying itself and why it happened and why it took me to a mountain I sometimes pretend I don't know and perhaps it's also a way to say that I just used a mountain as a metaphor for something else I don't want to say out loud, I don't want to write with all the letters that belong to it, I don't want to be louder than a whisper in the dead of night when you are walking alone inside an empty park that keeps you both detached and connected and lost and found. yes don't we all here inside me wish that that metaphor could've used a field or a forest or woods or a beach as an image but no: no, it used a park: it used a park because it was a different feeling, a different zone of being alive, different from the feeling the other things listed give out. I used a park because it was that day when you and I were walking inside it and it was night and I was drunk and high and you and my husband had seen each other on the train and both of you knew very well what was going on and you talked. yes, that is why I used a park. are we all collectively happy now?

and that is why I said I cried and that is why I used a park and not something else and that is why I talk of mountains when indeed I mean something else, something I don't know — maybe a mountain of feelings yes maybe that is what it is but then again maybe it is not.

now this makes less sense than it did before but I won't go back and edit anything out. and you'd be wrong to think I won't because no one will read this because you, dear reader, don't exist at all. you would be wrong, all of you in ethereal non-life. I won't edit it because they are my words and limbs and they are my words now and they come out as they came out and I do not intend to amputate myself any more than it is necessary to amputate oneself from time to time. luckily enough I am one of those animals that I can't name, a starfish perhaps if that's even an animal at all, that you can cut and cut and cut and somehow — somehow! somehow. and I can amputate myself too from time to time because limbs keep growing out. 

and that is how I feel about the album that I listened lying down on my couch the day it came out. is it clear enough? should I try and spell it out?

there is nothing that could make me more different than Fiona Apple and her album but there is also nothing that could make us even more alike. there is nothing at all that is not something it is and nothing that will not be what it will. her voice and lyrics and melodies and harmonies and whatever other sounds and those of the other people involved speak to me, speak to me, speak to me in softest tones even when it is loud. they speak to me because that is what art is all about and if they don't speak to someone else or if they speak in a language not to be understood by you or you or you and if they don't even speak at all then it is something else entirely that I don't have to account for — and that no art has to either. they speak to me speak to me speak to me, all her sounds. to me alone and to thousands at the same time. I am sitting in her living room while her dogs run and bark around. I am hiking with the sounds. I am climbing hills with them. I am walking at the beach and they are with me. I am high and looking at the sky, every song by my side. I am a cosmonaut together and alone with someone else and only with me at the same time. they guide me through the labyrinth that I am, that is life, that is Fiona Apple, that is the drum set gone, that is the other voices, that is the bass lines. they speak to me speak to me speak to me, all of them: them all. 

at times like these — and by that I mean all the time! all the time, for years now! —, I know that I will die. but once and again and often and sometimes surprisingly, there are thing that make me feel alive. alive not in the sense of lungs at work, heart is pumping, metabolism is moving somewhat slowly with its hushed sounds. alive not in the sense that I was expelled from an uterus soon enough to kickstart my life. alive not in the sense that at a later point, who knows when, I will be food to worms or if my wishes are kept, ashes somewhere. I am alive. in the sense that amongst thousands of other possibilities, here I am now. here I am now, with all the space dust that is far away from me. with the atoms that make up everything. with a poem by Yeats that I read. with my words that after having learnt them, I create out of the thin air. with the sunshine sometimes shining through the window to reach me, to caress my arm. with trees that feel as much as I do, it feels, when I pass by them. with a mind that might as well be equipped with free will and that as freely as possibly wills. with an entire uncaring universe that in its very uncaringness, cares for us all: us all that are the same though different and apart: us all that are trees and leaves and streams and grass and beach and birds and snails and moths and humans and books and sounds and instruments and babies and cells and clouds and wind and its sibling the breeze and storms and cars and viruses and an ugly building I sometimes pass by. us all that are Fiona Apple's songs. us all that are you and me, you who think I am silly, you who does not care, you who cares a lot, you who understands, you who judges my hand, you who ignores, you who does not read me ever, you who reads everything, you who listens, you who dislikes, you who loves, you who calls, you who is by my side, you who isn't, you whom I don't know, you who knows me too well, you who don't know me at all, you whom I am thinking about right now as I often am because I do and I will keep thinking of because I want to know you are doing alright because of all the people whom I love except the ones that are already dead, you are the one who is not within my reach, you never want to rest on my arms, you who birthed me then hurt me then stopped, you who didn't know what to do with me but did, you who shares your life with me, you who doesn't, you who are many, you who are just one, you who are all irreplaceable. and that is not all. but it might be all for now. 

I can't feel alive all the time. it is as beautiful as it is exhausting: it is as present as it is not: it is as rare as it is frequent: it is as intense as it is tall. but I know I will again feel alive and at one and in communion when I visit that sister of mine whom I don't know, that Fiona growing forever in the beautifulest tree, that fruit bat, that artist human I will never know and forever love...

[janiedean]

(1) Can I just say I hate all this Freddie Mercury biopic wank with a passion? Like, this hellsite went from "Queen is one of those boring 'classic' bands all whites are obsessed with bc they won't even consider new music by diverse artists u.u" to "WWRY is clearly a song about rebellious queer youth, cishets don't touch Queen u.u" after someone pointed out Freddie's ethnicity and sexuality, to "why aren't they making Freddie gay in the biopic!!!11" and... whatever they're whining about now.

(2) And I HATE looking at all this bs and thinking "fake fans", bc I'm pretty damn sure that by most standards, *I* count as a "fake fan", too. I mean, most stuff I know about the band's history is actually stuff about Freddie, thanks to a few documentaries centered around him and my mom, the long-time fan with a big crush on Freddie who introduced me to Queen when I was a kid. Hell, I couldn't even name all their albums or anything needed to be considered a "true fan". But ppl on here... ugh. (3) It's like they're really embarrassed bc they were called out on mistaking "woke" stuff for "unwoke" stuff, and now they have this desperate need to prove their ability to discern wokeness by getting offended about something they don't even care all that much about, as loudly and dramatically as they can.

HAHAHAHAHA.

okay so, tldr: I hate this discourse and I honestly hope that it dies within two weeks out of the biopic for a whole lot of reasons amongst which the ones you said, but like, this discourse actually highlights a shitload of issues with the usual tumblr discourse which I will gladly go into now because I’m fucking tired and this movie isn’t out yet.

now, premise: while I don’t think that true fans are a thing - at most there’s casual fans or in-depth fans but I mean, a fan is a fan so I don’t believe in the *fake* fans thing..... the problem here isn’t that they’re fakes. it’s that they aren’t fans. period.

other premise: from what you’ve said you’re a casual fan which is normal and you DON’T count as fake I mean if you like them and listen to them and know something it’s basically being a casual fan same as I am with idk the rolling stones, I like the famous stuff, I have the fundamental records and I like them when they’re on but that’s it.

but, yours truly is a Not Casual Queen Fan in the sense that a) I got into them when I was seventeen and I’m thirty now so thanks it’s been a while, b) I own all the records, c) I own a decent portion of roger taylor’s/brian may’s solo records (and I have listened to all of them that I couldn’t buy), d) I went to see them live once (k it was with paul rodgers but nvm guys not my fault if I wasn’t born in time for freddie) and I love queen’s music and I’m also fucking cishet and you know what? these people Are Not Fans and they should stop pretending they are and just stop making themselves look like assholes.

SPECIFICALLY:

the movie’s not out yet and I’ve had to see FIFTEEN ‘FRIENDLY REMINDER TO ALL CISHETS THAT FREDDIE MERCURY WAS GAY (at least a couple said he was bi and they were less asshole-ish) AND POC AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOU’D BETTER LEARN NOW HAHAHAHA YOU THOUGHT HE WASN’T. spoilers: every fucking casual queen fan who has bothered to buy three records knows that. yes, also the cishets. like, as someone who went from VERY CASUAL (ie: I know three songs) to NOT CASUAL in the span of two months I can 100% assure you that before getting into queen the usual preconceptions are that freddie was gay and that queen = freddie + three other people. the first three things you learn when getting into queen are (more or less in order but it can change) that a) the band was actually brian may + roger taylor first, b) that roger brought freddie in because they knew each other already, c) that mary austin was a fundamental person in freddie’s life and that she was also brian may’s ex and knew him first before they got together, d) the members’s backstories including where freddie was born, so like...... this idea that CASUAL CISHET FANS wouldn’t know that freddie was a) not heterosexual, b) poc is just something a NON-FAN would say because guess what, most queen fans even at a casual level are 100% aware that freddie was a) not heterosexual, b) not ethnical british. and saying that OMG CISHETS DON’T KNOW it’s ridiculous because guess what, everyone knows and if they have no idea they do, though luck, we did;

(spoilers: I also am 99% sure that those ppl have no idea that roger and brian actually sing on the records and composed a shitload of the music and queen =/= ONLY FREDDIE but okay)

they have no idea that rock music in the 70s/80s was not so heteronormative and was not the cishetmalething they think it is. like, please look at led zeppelin (ie THE PEOPLE WITHOUT WHOM YOU WOULDN’T HAVE HEAVY METAL) and tell me they were heteronormative. like, you saw robert plant? yeah, me too. and the thing was that queen were revolutionary in the sense that they brought an operatic/theatrical approach to the music that no one tried before but guess what, the point is that they made it sell. the thing that I would like tumblr Woke People to grasp is that what made queen groundbreaking as far as Wokeness goes is that they managed to sell and become the monster-moneymaking group they were (while keeping things quality) with a frontman who was Not Heterosexual, Did Not Try To Pass For Heterosexual One Day In His Life and Never Shied Away From It. like, idk if people are aware that while the scene was way less heteronormative than they think it still wasn’t the most openly talked about topic around (I mean guys elton john did marry a woman at some point X°DDD), but going around in the seventies flaunting your non-heterosexualness around and selling millions of copies making your stage persona a selling point of your music wasn’t exactly common. like ffs one of the most famous queen songs has a video where for 3/4 of the time they’re in drag and the other part has freddie performing with the royal ballet (and guess what the song was actually written by john deacon and the idea of doing the video in drag was roger taylor’s and none of them as far as we know is Not Heterosexual, but never mind giving the rest of the band some credit when it came to Not Caring About Heteronormativity) and fine, that video was banned/controversial, but it still was a huge british hit and it’s in the top five queen songs Everyone Knows. and tbh I’m terrified of that video being shown in the biopic (which it should since the works was from ‘84 and they stop at ‘85) because I’m 100% sure that those people have no idea it exists and when they find out how long is it gonna take them to decide that IT’S PROBLEMATIC? I mean, Woke Kids on here think the rhps is problematic, I’m shuddering at the thought of what they’d think of the i want to break free video;

actually a lot of us cishet queen fans might have had a wake up call including, er, finding out certain preferences, thanks to either their music or their shows or their videos (*cough* I 100% assure you that watching roger taylor in drag was what made me realize crossdressing was my thing for good like I knew before but I didn’t actually put two and two together until I saw that video and went like ‘............. AH WELL SHIT THEN THAT’S IT FAIR ENOUGH’), and a lot of us cishet queen fans who weren’t, like, strictly playing to heteronormative rules back in the day found a lot to relate to in their music even without being queer ourselves and guess what I’ve never met a single queen *fan* who could give less of a damn about freddie’s ethnicity or orientation (as in: everyone was a-okay with it) regardless of their background. that was what made them groundbreaking and extremely important as well, because they managed to be that kind of record-selling records-breaking band while not shying away from having a Not Heterosexual frontman AND Not Heteronormative Heterosexual Band Members Who Also Didn’t Give Two Fucks About Their Lead Singer’s Sexuality so going like OMG NOW WE’RE GONNA TEACH YOU THAT FREDDIE WASN’T HETEROSEXUAL BECAUSE WE’RE WOKE is ridiculous because dearest susan, we already knew and we already were woke about that and to us he was the frontman of a band we liked for a bunch of reasons;

also I don’t think people realize that freddie was a role model/example for the entire next generation of rock bands frontmen even in genres that had zilch to do with him - I mean guys AXL ROSE had a hero-worship for freddie and sang bohemian rhapsody at the freddie memorial concert WITH ELTON JOHN and grn really aren’t the same exact sphere as queen jsyk, but if you look at axl on stage esp. when he was younger? guys. it’s obvious. like you can see the influence. but lmao, now ALL the very cishet(-ish) singers who OPENLY SAID FREDDIE INFLUENCED THEM DIDN’T KNOW ACCORDING TO TUMBLR DOT COM?

LIKE, fuck’s sake, one of freddie’s major accomplishments in that sense was to ending up being a role model for younger singers in a genre where heteronormativity is way less common than everyone thinks BUT where not many people esp. back in the day would be open about their sexuality because it still was a taboo-ish thing -- like, gender roles were a lot more blurred but you wouldn’t hear many of those people admitting openly they were bi or gay or Not Heterosexual and the entirety of the rock scene especially mainstream but also not was entirely fucking aware of it, do these people think THE FANS wouldn’t?

also, we will rock you was WRITTEN BY BRIAN MAY AND IT WAS ABOUT A FUCKING ENCORE WHERE THE FANS SURPRISED THEM AT ONE SHOW IN LIKE MID-SEVENTIES which already shows that They Know Nothing because if they think freddie wrote all the queen songs then it’s already obvious they have no fucking clue about how queen worked as a band because all the members contributed something (guys john deacon wrote at least two of their major hits, roger taylor sang on all the records along with brian may and if you hear the back harmonies on ‘39 he goes way higher than freddie and a part in seaside rendezvous has both him and freddie mimicking other instruments with their voice and you wouldn’t know if no one told you first, brian may wrote a SHITLOAD of music for queen and it was an all-four effort, not just freddie + three other generic british dudes for fuck’s sake) so like, anyone saying that is already giving ample proof that they have no idea;

now of course you can interpret it as whatever the hell you want, but assuming that all of queen’s music that might relate to queer issues was written by freddie ABOUT QUEER ISSUES (this when freddie’s main topic of interest was... not really discussing his sexuality especially in the seventies like again, I want to break free is one of the queen to-go songs everyone brings up when it comes to that topic and IT WAS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE and the video concept was THANKS TO SOMEONE ELSE) just shows that a) you don’t know shit about the band’s history, b) you’re not a fan because you didn’t even bother to look it up on wiki, c) you’re trying to look woke at all costs;

they have NO FUCKING CLUE that most people in the 70s/80s/90s in the business were NOT politically correct according to their standards LIKE LITERALLY NO ONE WAS;

goes unsaid they probably haven’t listened to one full queen album from beginning to end not even the greatest hits.

tldr: I hate that they don’t seem to realize that things existed before 2005 and that music in the 70s/80s COULD and WAS diverse and *woke* already before they were even born, I hate that they decided that ALL CISHETS DIDN’T KNOW when thank you I think even my damned parents know and they don’t listen to rock music, I hate that they decided that queen APPARENTLY DIDN’T HAVE A FANBASE BEFORE THEM (lol) or that that fanbase didn’t understand them (triple-lol), I hate that they’re reducing freddie to his sexuality when he didn’t want that in the first place, I hate that they’re falling into THE MAIN MISCONCEPTION AROUND ABOUT THIS BAND as in THAT IT WAS FREDDIE + THREE OTHER PEOPLE and not an all-around group effort of people who were friends and deeply loved/respected each other and put the same share of work into it, I hate that they moment they see the movie and are introduced to the actual music/the actual story they’ll MOST LIKELY find problematic things to wank about because like hell they wouldn’t and I hate that they’re basically pretending to give a fuck about a band that I love and have loved dearly in a very non-casual way when they actually fucking don’t.

fucking hell please never let anyone make a biopic about either springsteen or led zeppelin or other people I actually like because this is bad enough, I don’t even want to think of what tumblr ppl would say if they knew anything about any rock artist of medium-large fame back in the day. peace.

[mrskylerreviews-blog]

POPPY - AM I A GIRL? (Album Review)

           Only a year after the release of her debut album Poppy.Computer, the singer and ever-growing internet personality Poppy has returned with her second musical effort, titled Am I A Girl? This sophomore record sees our favorite android widening her range in lyrical content and production quality, offering a more polished and extensive view at the world through her sweet, robotic eyes. While her director Titanic Sinclair still had a hand in some of the songs on this album, there are also major collaborations with producers Diplo (owner of the label Poppy is signed to, Mad Decent) and Fernando Garibay (responsible for Lady Gaga’s ‘‘Alejandro’’ back in 2009).

           Am I A Girl? further progresses the narrative of the Poppy character, after the first album basically introduced who she was to the world, and commentated on the presence of technology and the internet in our modern society. This time, Poppy takes us on a more personal ride, as she begins questioning everything about her surroundings, from the reason of her existence on this world, to the fate that might await humanity due to pollution that we have caused ourselves. The first half of the record, though, is focused more on Poppy’s love for fashion, and a sassier and much firmer confidence that reassures the growth of the character. She isn’t a follower of what ‘‘They’’ want anymore. Poppy knows what she’s capable of and even though this album is based on a question that could define her entire life, it also presents her with answers that she may have been asking herself since she first started appearing on Youtube back in 2014.

1.      In A Minute: a solid opener for the album, this track shows a great combination of the material Poppy is known for, and a big step towards this new polished path she will be taking us on. With lyrics such as ‘‘I used to be free willing / Now I got work to do’’, we are presented head-on with the aforementioned confidence and sense of individuality that is to become the running theme throughout the record. Overall, In A Minute works perfect as an introduction to Am I A Girl?

2.      Fashion After All: although the theme of sass and confidence tried real hard to stretch enough for several songs on the album, Fashion After All feels a bit overdone and very easy to skip. While sing-talking about how she’s mother to many and the fact that she is relatable yet scary, the electropop production doesn’t really do its job of grasping the listener, as it sounds not too exciting or like something we haven’t heard before, and the lyrics can get tiring quick.

3.      Iconic: this track attempts a go with the inspiring and ‘‘even if you’re weird, you’re still so cool’’ concept that isn’t at all new for female pop singers. While the lyrics aren’t necessarily the most original and groundbreaking piece of handcrafted artistry, they succeed in delivering an uplifting and feel-good vibe to the listener, with the production matching the joyous energy that is supposed to carry the message. Poppy’s vocals also shift from low tones in the pre-chorus that we haven’t really heard from her before, to sweet and colorful falsettos that we all know and love.

4.      Chic Chick: this track feels like what Fashion After All should have been, and it is honestly a bit surprising that both of them made it on the album. Chic Chick is a punch to the face, with Poppy making it very clear that she’s here to do her business, she is classy yet a handful, and there is nothing you can do about it. Being the only song on the project to have an Explicit warning with the line ‘‘I’m a chic chick / If you don’t like it, suck my d*ck’’, the aggressiveness and the unapologetic tone of this track steers the album towards the right path. The synth guitar solo felt like a very nice touch for adding a bit of edge to the track, as it also suffers a bit of weakness with the electropop production.

5.      Time Is Up: being the lead single of the album, Time Is Up gave us our first glance of what Am I A Girl? was going to be, and we can all agree that the raise in production quality and 80s synth sound that Diplo gave us threw us all for a loop. Not only that, but the lyrics, which narrate Poppy’s perspective of waking up in a factory then realizing mankind is destroying their own home, truly solidify the strength of this track. She is telling us that all we really have achieved during our time on Earth is pollution, overpopulation and causing sickness to the planet, and that once we go extinct due to our irresponsibility, her android body will stay here to witness the aftermath of the mess we made. Time Is Up does an astounding job of delivering a very serious message, while doing so with a sound that is sure to capture the interest of mainstream music listeners.

6.      Aristocrat: this track makes me feel the most reminiscent of Poppy’s work from the Bubblebath EP back in 2016. Produced by Fernando Garibay, Aristocrat is a very theatrical and dramatic telling of how Poppy infiltrated a party in what feels like the late 1700s France, easily capturing the attention of all those who are royal due to her dancing abilities, without realizing that, as she puts it, she ‘‘got there from the gutter.’’ The track is fresh and new for what Poppy usually puts out, while somehow still giving a nod to her earlier musical efforts. Definitely one of the strongest in the album.

7.      Hard Feelings: this is where we start getting that personal inside look on Poppy’s life, and where she becomes more vulnerable with the questions she’s asking about herself, like why she’s falling so hard for her creator if she wasn’t meant to be capable of feeling in the first place. The track opens with some lines in French, asking somebody what they want from her. We see more of the vulnerability when in the pre-chorus she asks ‘‘Am I a replica of someone that you loved? / Someone you made me to replace?’’ Then we get a very interesting touch of heavy rock guitars smoothly blending into the track after the chorus, which reappear with just a bit more intensity during the bridge, without necessarily overpowering the song or ruining the soft honesty the song is meant to portray. Overall, Hard Feelings does its task of presenting Poppy as someone who has more worries than just being chic, and also subtly opens for the surprises that are to come later in the album.

8.      Girls In Bikinis: this track leans more to the failing side of the album, as it feels somewhat unnecessary and honestly quite boring. Sounding like something that would perhaps gain more attention in the late 90s if it were released by any other female phenomenon of pop, the only redeeming quality that Girls In Bikinis might just carry is the bisexual hinting Poppy throws throughout the song. Other than that, it quite frankly sounds nothing like a track we should be getting from her, even if this album is all about expanding and experimenting with sounds.

9.      The Rapture Ball: this is another track that also falls a bit weak, especially with its lyrics. Poppy sings about going to a party and seeing everybody arrive in limousines and dance in gowns, but really she just fails at actually creating a good enough atmosphere for this grand ball that we’re supposed to be intrigued by. Perhaps the line where she states that she never got to go to her prom were meant to give it a more personal touch, but the overall content still feels like it only scratched the surface of its potential. The song in its entirety seems to rely mostly on the one line ‘‘This is the best bang since the big one’’, almost like it’s supposed to be so clever and iconic that we’ll want to sing it over and over and just forget how lacking the end result of everything really is.

10.  Am I A Girl?: Picking up once again after the disappointment of the last two songs is the title track, Am I A Girl?, where Poppy urges the listener to please not try to resolve or define her as either male or female, because she is having a hard time even knowing what it truly means to be either of those. It is a very nice track to hear, starting with the pop sound that we got on the first half of the album, and then hitting us with a hard rock that blends perfectly with the frustration of the message. Poppy is basically declaring war against gender roles and the definition of gender itself, something refreshing to hear for people like me in the LGBT community.

11.  Play Destroy feat. Grimes: this is where things get intense. First off, I simply could not imagine a world where this song would sound any good without Grimes in it. Poppy does add her own edge, and the combination of both these artists’ weirdness is just grand. Grimes is what makes the song though, which is not at all a bad thing. We hear these girls so sweetly announce that they are going to drop a match into a gas tank and burn down the local Walmart, all alongside a heavy rock production, and it’s nearly impossible to not allow them to do so. Then in the bridge Grimes says that she’s dying, with Poppy simply replying ‘‘It’s a Hollywood moment!’’, making fun of the way people there see anything that happens to celebrities as the newest gossip or article for their cheap magazine. In the end, Play Destroy is an absolute masterpiece that truly displays Poppy’s behavioral battle with herself and discovering if she really is the sweet angel she thought she was on her first album.

12.  X: Closing the album is the song that all previous rock attempts were really building up for. Continuing with the theme of going back and forth between wanting peace or wishing to see chaos and destruction in the world, this track goes for a less subtle approach (and it’s perfect). It begins with very heavy guitar, then quickly shifting into a melodic sunshine pop a la Beatles, with Poppy saying she wishes to empty the bullets out of all the guns in the world. But the calm does not last long before we go back into the metal, where we get lines like ‘‘Please get me bloody / You can get down on your knees if you’re naughty’’. A third sudden genre kicks in, this time (believe it or not), it being trap music. The track continues aggressively going back and forth, switching between all these sounds, but cleverly enough as not to get boring or overwhelming. It is definitely new and exciting to see Poppy go and attempt something so out of what she usually gives her fans, and it really could have gone either really well or horribly wrong. Luckily for her (and us), it was the former.

Am I A Girl? is an album that somehow is better when it gets out of the comfort zone of what we know Poppy for, with very nice vocals and a brave refusal to stick to only one genre. It contains very high replay value and it allows Poppy to show fans a new, edgier side that Poppy.Computer might have restrained her from. Hopefully in the future, she continues to explore and experiment in ways that keep being entertaining and interesting.

RATING: 7/10

Favorite songs: Chic Chick, Aristocrat, Time Is Up, Play Destroy, X

Least favorite songs: Fashion After All, Girls In Bikinis, The Rapture Ball

[talkurtalk]

Hi here have a rant because I’m emotional in this Chili’s tonight:

It’s been a long, rough ride these past 16 months for me. Yes, I mean the entirety of 2017 and the beginning of 2018. My life’s been a rollercoaster of emotions and events that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but I’ve gotten through it and now I’m hopeful for the future largely in part to one Miss Taylor Swift.

Firstly there’s the fact that I’m a sophomore (soon to be junior) in high school, and as anyone who is/has ever been a sophomore (soon to be junior) in high school will tell you: that is never easy on its own. I’m switching to a different school for next year because the school I’m at now just wasn’t working out. I’ve met some absolutely wonderful people, but the stress of always being too smart or not smart enough, or too good or not good enough has taken its toll. As anyone who’s ever met me could tell you; I don’t do molds, labels, or boxes, and when you live in a small farm town in the middle of the USA, you’re expected to fit into a mold, label, and box. Overall I guess I’m just glad that this chapter in my life is ending, even though I’ll definitely miss seeing some of my friends’ faces every day. Here’s to my new school being better, as they claim to be.

Next, things get a bit more emotional... so brace yourselves. I don’t like to talk about this with people face to face, in fact I refuse to talk about it, so what’s my solution? Put it on the internet for a bunch of strangers to read. Because logic. And because eventually I’ll tie everything in to involve Taylor Swift, like most everything I say, because I have a HUGE thank you to put into words.

Approximately 9 years ago my mother was diagnosed with a terminal cancer called Carcinoid Cancer. I don’t know exactly how long they predicted she would live, but I just knew that there was no curing it, only treating it and keeping it under control for as long as possible. (After all I was 7 or 8, so I really didn’t fully understand what was happening at the time, just that my mom had cancer). I never had a great relationship with my mother, and some of the fault was definitely mine, because I was a snotty little pre-teen for 5 of those 9 years who was going through the “oh my god mom, stop embarrassing me” phase. Every day I really wish I would’ve stopped and realized how wonderful my mother was before now, but I can’t go back and undo things, and frankly I’m still trying to get to the point where I can be okay with that, but It’ll just take some time. 

I’ll admit I don’t really want to share many details about how things progressed over those 9 years, I apologize for that, but it just makes me a bit uncomfortable to talk about. Just know that things progressively got worse, as they do with terminal diseases. 

My mother was admitted to the hospital on August 24, 2017 after the second time last year that her liver basically shut down because of the cancer. (The first was in January, but she had seemed alright after that) My dad had been out of town on a business trip, so I ended up spending the  majority of the night at the hospital with my mom and some close family friends (I don’t have any siblings and our closest biological family lives halfway across the country). He flew in right away and got to the hospital at 3 in the morning on August 25. 

My mom spent the next full day in the hospital, then the next night and was released the morning after that. To put it frankly, she had been alert enough in the hospital to tell us that she wanted to be at home for her end. The weekend of August 26th and 27th, my dad and I stayed home with my mom and had multiple of hers and our friends stop by. I went to bed that Sunday night expecting to go to school like normal the next day, and well, let’s just say when I expect things to be normal, weird shit happens.

My dad woke me up at 6:45 am on Monday August 28 to tell me that my mom had passed away. See, I’ve never been good at handling my emotions, so I didn’t cry right away, but I just kind of hugged him while he cried. There were PLENTY of tears from me in the following months- and I am so grateful for my dad for being there for me during the really bad days I had.

For any of you swities with really good memories, you’ll recall that at midnight on the night of August 24 Look What You Made Me Do was released. While it might seem like the absolute opposite of a comforting song in my situation, I really, truly think that it helped me get through that weekend more than anything else. At that time it was just so amazing to hear something new from Taylor, the person who I have looked up to for so long, and to have it be something so different. Plus, it’s the perfect angry song, and I’ll have you know that I was pretty angry at the universe during and after that weekend. I still am, but to a lesser degree. 

As the next single was released (...Ready For It?), and then the entirety of reputation, I discovered this new album and this new Taylor who had risen up from the dead proud, fierce, and happier than she’s ever been. This new Taylor who was a survivor, a real human person, and a goddess all at the same time. 

One of the few things that I allowed my mother and I to have a common interest in was Taylor Swift. (Yes, I actually didn’t allow myself to like things that I love because my mother liked them. I was a horrible little pre-teen to others as well as myself). I was pretty late to the swiftie party, as I really started listening to and enjoying Taylor’s music when I first listened to Red in 2012, but when 1989 came out I was full-on obsessed. My mom really liked the album too and was glad that Taylor was my biggest role model over some of the other celebrities that she didn’t really care for. My mom and dad surprised me with tickets to the 1989 tour stop in Denver, and I cannot tell you how excited and happy I was. My mom didn’t end up going with me, because she’s never been a huge fan of arena concerts, but she was always down to watch the 1989 World Tour Live video with me when we had Apple Music for a year or so. 

I guess my point is that reputation is really important to me because of its timing and overall message. Taylor is doing better than she ever was- she survived the fires and floods of the past few years and has grown stronger because of what she’s been through. If she can survive and thrive after all of that, I can too. And, when it comes to timing, there was possibly no better time for me that this album could’ve been announced and released. I honestly could not tell you where I would be today without @taylorswift and reputation. 

You empowered me to keep going Tay, and I am eternally grateful to you for that. You were one of the only connections between my mother and I as well, and in a way you still are. I can’t think of any of your songs without thinking of how excited or exasperated my mom’s reaction was when I played it for the millionth time. Or about how she would sing along ridiculously to Shake It Off and How You Get The Girl and All You Had To Do Was Stay, and I would roll my eyes and be embarrassed, but it was some of the best times I had with her.

On a more light-hearted note, it has been so wonderful to see how much you’ve grown as the reputation era progresses Miss Taylor. The reason I’m writing all this up randomly on a Sunday night at almost midnight is because of how happy and grown-up you looked at the Billboard Awards tonight. I don’t know why you winning those two awards triggered all these emotions in me, but it did, so here I am writing this now. Thanks to you, I think I’m starting to heal, and I know I’ve grown, even if it’s not exactly in the ways you have. I’ve never been in love, and I’ve never had a long list of ex-lovers, but somehow I know what it feels like to be ferociously angry, happy, excited, sad and loved, and I know I have you to thank for helping me put it all into words over the years.

So, from the bottom of my heart, body, and soul,

Thank You, Taylor Swift.

@taylorswift @taylornation