#i am trying so hard i just don’t want to go to class 😔 thinking abt tuesday this week i want to start screaming crying and throwing up…..

[lesbianlenas]

knowing i have to go through a whole week of classes…..

[tsuchinokoroyale]

are you working on writing a story? :0c that sounds super cool!!

Oh I’m always working on stories! But finishing them?

The truth tea is that I conceptualize a lot of things and just kind of let them gestate over the years. A good example is a story I came up with when I was 16 that I finally put to paper when I was 20. Right now I have 4-5 stories (( 🥹 )) running through my head, though I’m only actively working on two of them. One is technically done, but I don’t think a written story is the format I want for it.

Another is half finished, about a group of plucky college students going on various fantastical adventures of varying lengths and tone. This one is semi-episodic, which made it easy to write bc if I got stuck on one story I could move onto another, since I had already mapped out the characterization that would occur in each, if not the exact exact plot details. Here I got stuck when they arrived in a town and were trying to solve a murder mystery. It’s basically my persona 4 moment where it’s less about solving the mystery and more about the characters you’ve spent some time with having their hidden damage brought to light so they can deal with it as a group. But like. Just like persona 4 I’m trying to tie it all together in an actual mystery and it’s so hard making it compelling. Like each time I plan it out, the villain is made too obvious. Agatha Christie help 😭

The least and but also most finished one is a story I wrote also in high school for NaNoWriMo. It’s so funny in retrospect bc we were doing short stories in our Language Arts class and I was like WAIT what if u took a short story and connected them ! Like if you made a set of short stories set in a town, and the short stories were about all the peoples lives and you could see the way things overlap. And then we learned about Winesburg, Ohio and I was like wig okay. Turns out I didn’t invent the story cycle as an American high schooler in 2011. The finished-ish story is very badly written and was truly written with the worldview of a high schooler, but I am still oddly compelled with its core narrative a decade later. The core narrative being a small town falling apart due to supernatural interference and for those wondering NO I had not seen twin peaks at the time. But also I invented twin peaks.

The ones I’m currently working on are:

1. Smut. I will not elaborate. I will say it’s actually really difficult to write smut bc then I get super horny and need to jerk off and it really ruins the flow of things 😔

2. I wanted to write a YA novel with an absolutely ridiculous premise and I’ve actually had a lot of fun with it. I’ve only written the prologue and the first 3 chapters and probably only planned the first 1/3 of the story but my mind is already churning out themes and characters and scenarios. It’s difficult tho bc it has the YA premise but way too much sex and violence to actually be YA. But I’m also not aiming to sell these stories anyways, just writing them as a hoobyyb wow really wish I spelled that right

[calicopilledqueen]

This week was so fucking bad.

Monday:

Monday was my birthday. It was ok at first. I didn’t sleep well because my bedsheets were still wet and staying up any later wouldn’t be good for me. I got probably 2-4 hours of sleep, which set me off for a bad morning. I was cold the entire night and I woke up slightly damp which pissed me off. Getting ready was fine, but I had to pack for my grandparents house which gave me less time. I got Starbucks with my sister and mom so atleast my morning was not terrible. I did get birthday posts, but a lot of people just wished my twin a happy birthday and not me. Even the announcer wished only my sister a birthday. Look, I know I’m not as popular and nice as her but wishing me a happy birthday is just the bare minimum. That kind of pissed me off for the day because I’m honestly tired of having this second hand treatment. From my mom, some of my friends and now people who go to my school. I also had a soccer game but I think we lost. I didn’t want to play because it was raining and honestly I want time to do homework.

Tuesday:

I don’t really remember Tuesday but I all I know that it wasn’t memorable at all and that obviously means it wasn’t good at all

Wednesday:

I didn’t like Wednesday either. I tried getting help for math but I don’t understand the material and we had 2 quizzes in on period. I didn’t finish the quizzes to 100% and I failed both of them so bad!! I want to drop calculus but the college advisor said I should wait since it’s only the beginning of the school year. History was also stressing me out because how am I suppose to read 2 different text books and summarize them for a test, re-write and essay and do test corrections all in one week. I wish I didn’t take honors but it’s too late to switch out, and even if I wanted to I couldn’t.

Thursday:

I started crying during breakfast because I was really stressed and I don’t know / can’t talk to people no matter how hard I try. I’ve been really stressed because nothing goes my way, and yes that’s a stupid reason to be stressed but I was suppose to take my permits test this day and I couldn’t because my parents didn’t have enough money. I’m really mad because I planned this out a month ahead and I feel like no matter how hard I organize and plan things no one puts and effort in to try and co-operate. And school is not helping that. I honestly was hoping maybe this year would be better than last but that’s not going to happen. My sister sprained her ankle and she keeps taking it out on me. She doesn’t hit me or anything serious, she’s just really sassy and I don’t need this along with everything else going on. The fun part of this day is that I bought my dress for my party and I think it looks really good on me. I got it with my aunt and sister and it was a fun afternoon.

Friday(today):

Today was like a field day but we paired up with the little kids. My partner was so cute and I honestly miss her. She makes me want to have kids. But everything else was kind of annoying. Every time I try talking to one of the new kids she just ignores me or like gives me dry responses. At first I thought it was because she’s shy or maybe she’s just like that but she can talk normally and she does with a lot of people. Most people but me. I’m not sure why but it’s starting to annoy me because now it’s just kind of rude. This one is also kind of dumb but I was looking for 4 leaf clovers today with my partner and I thought I found one but the 3rd leaf was just tattered so it looked like 4. Some kids in my class call me stupid but I know they might be joking. But I also feel like they’re not. I’m not really smart or I don’t seem like it so of course they would think that, but recently just these little comments have been getting to me at it lowk hurt 😔. One of them is coming to my party but I didn’t want to invite him because I don’t talk to him and I use to like him so now I feel awkward around him. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like him in that way anymore but I rather not be reminded about how I basically got played. I would’ve cried during the field day stuff but my partner genuinely made me happy so I couldn’t. She always held my hand and she wanted to sit in my lap and stuff. She was so cute and if I ever have a kid I want it to be just like her. She was sad when I had to go to and I miss her a lot. After the school day ended I had a soccer game to do. It was homecoming so everyone showed up. I played like shit the first half but then I did better the second. No goal though.. I went home and ate chipotle with my grandparents and that was pretty chill. I went home and that reminded me why I hate staying at my Moms and it was just so chaotic. I tried rescheduling my permit test and no one knows where my social security number is, and I have 2 different legal last names. It’s confusing I know but who the fuck has 2 different last names in 2 different id’s?? I just don’t like thinking about that and there’s nothing I can do. Hoco dance is tomorrow but I’m not going because I need to do homework.

I hope the rest of this year gets better because if this is just the begging I don’t think I can make it to the end.

[luvdsc]

hello miss cat i hope that ur doing well!! i need some advice/comfort and i decided to turn to u bc ur so sweet in all ur messages and u give supportive big sister vibes and i don't have anyone like that to talk to 😔 so im a freshman in uni and it's the beginning of my second semester and i feel like so far uni isn't all that i thought it would be? don't get me wrong i like it, def a lot more than high school and i like my campus and school and i like all the freedom and being on my own/

hey, honey bee !!! 💛 thank you for your well wishes, I hope you’re also doing well, and I’m so sorry for the late reply 😖 oh you’re so sweet oh my gosh, thank you for thinking of me so positively 🥺🥺💖💖 you’re always welcome to come talk to me, lovebug !!! I’m trying harder to answer everything in a timely manner now that work has slowed down a bit :’) first off, big congrats on taking this huge step in your life, sweetpea 🌼🌼 it’s your first time going off into the world on your own and is basically the first step into adulthood without your parents or anyone holding your hand, and it’s scary but I’m proud of you for making it this far 🌷🌷 I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying your freedom and independence and liking it more than hs !! 🌸🌸

oh 🥺 I think not a lot of people talk about this, but I understand, college can be an incredibly lonely period of time because you see everyone else having fun with their friend groups and fitting in, and you’re trying hard to do the same but it’s difficult when people already found their groups or you don’t click with people, and you don’t know where you fit in. It’s hard because the way social media and college culture is portrayed in media shows that everyone is so social and has their little niche and best friends, it builds up these expectations and it just makes it all the more disappointing and lonely when you don’t have that positive experience because it’s like what am I doing wrong ?? It’s like… you can be standing in a crowded room full of people, full of people you can even consider as friends and more than acquaintances, and you can even be talking to some of them, but it still feels so lonely because they don’t understand you in the way you hope to be understood nor do you feel completely comfortable with them. I’m so so sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way, lovebug, and I honestly don’t know what to say except that I understand how you feel and I sincerely hope that you’ll be able to find your people, your group of friends, and form those close bonds as well 🤍

also, I’m really sorry to hear that your chemistry class did not go well, lovebug ): I hope this semester is going better !!! how are your classes going? 💓 oh goodness, are you fully recovered from covid now ??? how are you feeling, honey bee? I’m sorry to hear that you missed class and clubs ): were you still able to join those clubs and meet new people? were you able to catch up on all your classes too? I hope you were able to still make friends with fellow club members and your classmates, lovebug 💗

i’m so so sorry to hear that you’re feeling this way, sweetpea, and if you had gone to my uni, then I would definitely invite you to come with me on all my social outings and hang out with me and my friends !!!!! 💛💛 I completely get it, I know that I too am guilty of saying things will get better and to have hope for the future, but I know that right now, it just, for lack of a better word, sucks ass, doesn’t it? It’s hard and it hurts and it’s so very lonely, and when I felt that way, I thought I was being silly and a little stupid for crying over something like this, but it’s not. It’s not silly or stupid, it’s valid and real, and it sucks really bad, and if there’s anything I can do, if you want someone to talk to, then you’re always welcome to talk to me, honey bee 💟💟 and I hope you hang out with your roomies a lot too !! You mentioned that you’re close with them, and although I know you want to meet new people and branch out, it’s always nice to still hang out with old friends and maybe you all can get lunch together or do something fun together every week 🌷🌷

From my own personal experience, I met all my college best friends at different times throughout uni. For instance, my two bestest friends are two girls who I sat next to randomly in an 8 am class my junior year and never thought we’d be this close four years later. My other best friend is the random roomie I was assigned my freshman year. Another best friend is the random roomie I was assigned my junior year after my friend had to bail out because she got into her foreign exchange program. Another best friend is someone I actually met in my freshman year once because she was the roommate of one of my friends, and then she was a mutual friend of one of my suitemates sophomore year, and then, I saw her around due to mutual friends in junior year at events, but we still weren’t close yet, and then we suddenly just clicked in senior year and now she’s one of my closest friends and we’re travel buddies and hang out every two weeks. So, I basically met all my close friends during my last two years of uni. I didn’t have that in my earlier years, like I was very social and had so many friends but none where I had a tight friendship with, aside from my freshman roomie like you. And it was lonely at times when I realized I didn’t have someone I wanted to share everything about myself. I know how you feel, sweetpea, and I hope by sharing my experience, you feel a little less alone because I went through a similar experience my first and second years too 💘 I hope you’ll also be able to find the friends you’re looking for and that you get to have the college experience you want, sweetpea 💖

And omg it’s okay, you don’t have to apologize, lovebug !!! 💕 Thank you for trusting me with your experience, and I hope that my response can provide a little bit of comfort at least :’) please feel free to send in asks whenever you’d like, honey bee, and I’m trying my best to answer them more on time from now on !! 💗💗 and thank you for enjoying my writing and for your compliments 🥺💜💜 I hope my blog can continue to be a source of comfort for you, lovebug 🤍🤍 I know you sent this in a while back, so I hope that things have gotten better for you, sweetpea, and that you’re feeling a little less lonely and feeling happier at college now 💛💛 sending you all my love, support, and well wishes, angel 💌💌✨✨ and I hope you have the bestest day / night too !!!! 🌷🌷🌷

[mocimori]

aaah hi chia!!! ;;n;;

I completely understand the feeling you’re talking about, and it’s awful. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. I think something really important to remember (but also really hard to internalize;;) is that when you draw, you should draw for yourself. You don’t ‘owe’ followers art, or anything like that. If you want to share a piece, you can, but I think going into a drawing solely for the purpose of wanting to get recognized by other people can make it ten times more exhausting and put even more pressure on yourself. Not that it’s easy to satisfy yourself, either,, but I think it’s easier to draw if it’s something that you personally enjoy drawing.

And!! Taking breaks is more than okay!! Sometimes doing art just ain’t it. That doesn’t mean you’ll stop forever, just let yourself recuperate from your emotions. Remember that pieces don’t have to look ‘perfect,’ or even ‘good’ in your eyes for them to be that way to others. Practicing is still important, but it’s okay to just do a little at a time, too. Burnout sucks ;-;

And I do think eating more regularly and getting on a better sleep schedule can help you feel better too;; there’s a whole science behind it but I won’t go into that bc I’m already being a bit hypocritical dnbd

Anyways pleasepleaseplease never feel embarrassed or sorry for needing to vent!! That’s a completely normal, healthy, safe way to let out your emotions, and there are plenty of people who will want to help however they can! You always have a right to feel the way you do, that’s just how emotions work, even when it’s frustrating. I’m sending you all my love and support, and I’m sure so many others are, too!!

(As an aside, I LOVE your art, and so do so many others. It always makes me smile when I see it, and you’re always so kind interacting with your followers too, it’s a treasure 💜 I hope things will look up soon) 💜💗💜

PETRI! 😭😭😭💗 it’s been awhile, I hope you’re doing good 🥺

Burnout just really sucks but there’s not much I can do until classes are over 🥺 I can lessen the load a bit by normally winging it but my inner perfectionist cringes at mediocrity at this stage of the semester 😭

true :(( I love drawing for myself most of the time. Most of my painting assignments are centered on skz if we’re given the freedom to choose our subjects bc I love drawing them and it made doing those painting marathons less miserable. 😭😭😭 aaa wait, I can see how the follower thing can come off that way when I wrote down what I felt. It’s partially a reason but it’s also bc I take too much pride in my work 🥺 kind of like when you’re a kid and you want to show your family/friends the art you made. I get a bit disappointed and reflect the poor or lack of engagement to myself because it’s like the effort I put on the piece suddenly feels lacking. I end up regretting choosing to create or I end up wondering what could I have done more and why didn’t I do more (but the difficulty rises to a lvl 10 bc burnout and wanting validation is a bad combo 😂)

You’re right too! Bc what if subconsciously I started to draw for others or what people want to see from me (*꒦ິㅂ꒦ີ) like even though it’s mostly for myself, I end up thinking “will this do well?” It can really get exhausting which is also why I decided not to make any Genshin FA for awhile even though I know it’ll give me better engagement. 😔 It’s really a whole other pandora’s box I want to bring up but idk how 😂 It can really be difficult to get off that train of thought :(( but let’s keep trying! 🥺 we can do this!

BABDHDD PETRI OMS WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO LIVING HEALTHY 😂😂😂 — I’ll try my best! It’s been awhile since I slept properly, I kinda miss the mornings and breakfast :(( I find it difficult to sleep these days so normally I just wait until sleep decides to whisk me away or I force myself to close my eyes 😭 but I’ll try 🥺 I hope you can also 😭😭😭 at least the sleep schedule part 🧎🏻can say that staying up until 10 am with only 1 hour of sleep was not a good experience.

😔😔😔 and thank you so much Petri! Im just… 🥺😢💕💗 with your kind words bc I honestly feel like I’m just a machine most of the time or I have a hard time expressing certain thoughts? like art vents or fangirl tweets especially bc I end up feeling like it annoys everyone 🤡 so I just come here on tumblr to scream in the tags 😂 I hope too one day when I’m a bit more comfortable, people will like me for my personality too 🥺

//ALSO BDDBD AAA AMG IM JUST FJFBF PETRI HI HELLO 😭💗😭💗 you’re so sweet hhh— I’m glad my art makes you happy too 🥺 I honestly love sharing bc I like it when the art makes someone happy. Sometimes I feel like I dont deserve it but ty for being kind to me ;; I’m just as lucky that you like my work too and for believing in me too ㅠㅠ 💕

Take care of yourself lots too Petri 🥺 I’m sending you my strength as well!

[roboromantic]

more gender thoughts woooooooooo

after thinking about it some more and especially after reading the op’s clarification I realize I misinterpreted the post; I was reading it as like “these terms don’t exclude all nb people so I’m going to say they should/do include all nb people” when really it was just more like “hey nb people are allowed to opt into using these terms if they want”

I just until recently have had a hard time wrapping my head around combining nonbinary with binary because my experience being gender-repulsed is (apparently) uncommon and extremely different from others using the nonbinary label, but between the really obvious in retrospect realization that not every nb person is repulsed by the idea of being associated w/the gender binary and the reply on that post that implies that people may be using it in a sense that I equate more with gender non-conforming I think I’ve finally got it sorted out.

I also see posts like the one I’ve been talking about that like “let aligned nb people be aligned in peace; they’re valid” but I rarely actually see anyone saying they can’t? just because I don’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen obviously and I guess people are more likely to spread positivity posts than people responding to asshole anons but I’ve always found it hard to find stuff that isn’t for/about aligned nb people

I will admit I’m not exactly active in any nb communities so maybe my experience is not as rare as it seems to be. I know I’ve had a couple followers in the past say they have similar experiences so, probably not?  it’s kinda hard to tell on tumblr bc the tags are always like 90% headcanons about fictional characters lmao

and also I think it’s kinda like I said in this post about pronouns – straight and lesbian are generally associated with liking/being one specific gender and saying that nb people can use these labels doesn’t mean everyone’s gonna immediately accept that right away (gay I think has kind of become an umbrella term and consequently lost the single-gendered connotations, at least online.)

anyway I kinda wanna see if I can find stuff about the usage of “nonbinary” and see how the meaning has or has not changed over time. mostly unrelated but I do think that the non-binary vs nonbinary spelling debate has largely settled on the latter and google trends seems to support that (the huge spike is when Demi Lovato came out lol)

also interesting to me is that if you check from the 2004-present option, neither term is really searched all that much until 2014-2015. I’ve known I was nonbinary since 2010 and I might have to dig through my blog and see if I mentioned much what terms I was using. I know when I was first figuring things out I was using neutrois for a good while; I’m trying to remember if I ever ID’d as genderqueer. anyway was I using non(-)binary before it was cool? or was I using other terms? It’s been a while and I don’t exactly remember 😔

actually I kinda wanna look at gender related terms in general; like, I remember when trans* was a thing and people were flip-flopping between AFAB/AMAB and FAAB/MAAB

another thing I’ve thought about from time to time is how people are VERY adamant that clothes and actions don’t define one’s gender but like..........................they kind of do? I guess not so much in liberal spaces in America and I grew up in a fundamentalist xian cult and am an outlier adn should not be counted but like. Less than 10 years ago I had a Sunday school class bemoaning the fact that you couldn’t tell men and women apart anymore because they were wearing the same clothes and doing the same things. Exactly what clothes and actions are part of one’s gender roles (and the genders there are) varies from culture to culture (which is one of the reasons I hate saying I’m transmasc – masculine according to whom and why is the answer WASPs) and it’s not like one’s body had absolutely nothing to do with it, but yeah. idk I’m a bit sleep-deprived and I’ve been writing this for like two hours now and my computer crashed so I lost this section and kinda forgot where I was going with this

anyway that’s not to say that I agree with that line of thought, it’s just that for the vast majority of people for the vast majority of history, clothes and actions did in fact play a huge role in one’s gender and like I said earlier about pronouns and sexuality labels, saying they’re not connected doesn’t instantly dissolve all those associations. frankly I have to wonder what kind of life experiences one has where they can just be like “ugh I can’t believe people don’t already know this 🙄” Like I know they’re almost certainly just venting and don’t expect people irl to understand but like.

where’s that post I saw the other day about how people can forget what it’s like to be new to a concept and thus have trouble explaining it and get frustrated bc they expect people to already have the same understandings that they do. It feels like maybe that’s what’s going on

ONE LAST THING why do people get mad about people making aesthetics for their gender. it’s not like cis people don’t do the same damn thing

[eddiemunsonsmiddlefingers]

Let me preface this by saying I am a little drunk. Okay? ok

Eddie would be Susie I think. There’s also a little sister that’s a computer genius and -come on- that’s so Dustin. 😂 obviously I’d tune it to be more its own thing but still heavily inspired. I guess more of a modern remake with our soft boys. But I feel like it’s so niche and also there’s a ton of ghost!Eddie fics that are just so good. I’m also working on an out-of-time, semi medieval/renaissance fic with a soft magic system and maybe a kind of soulmate kinda thing going on? Also, it'd have so many ships and lots of dead characters that are alive because AU so why not? It’s a mess 😂 Again, super niche so idk if people would even like it but 😂 it’s what my heart desires to write

So, my job pays for college and as long as I work part time I can get free schooling. My courses are online and self paced. So time management has been a huge thing for me. But yeah it’s been about 7-8 years since I’ve been back to college. I do really miss that feeling of being on campus though.

I’m so glad you have that luck! Sounds like your classes are heavy loaded so it’s good you have more time for them! As for what I’ll do with my degree. Well, when I was a kid going to the public library with my grandmother was a really big thing for me. So, I think I’d like to do that. I live near the city where there’s a lot of government jobs so most people ask me if I’ll work there. Tbh I wouldn’t want to work for the government. I know the pay is good and the benefits too and no shame to anyone that does! I know plenty of people that work for the government and they love it! but like… not my cup of tea. Granted most libraries are funded through local government or nonprofit but that’s different 👀 Honestly, libraries are some of the last kind of socialist thing we have. I like that it’s for anyone and everyone and I just want to be someone that can help people. Idk 😂 I just want a welcoming environment that can have knowledge and books for whoever needs it. What’re you trying to master in if you don’t mind me asking?

Also, I just went to a prog. metal show in said city and oof may have had a little too much to drink 😂 up until this part I was mostly sober 😂😂😂

Anyway! I saw your post about how you’ve grown! I’m so glad for you! I’ve only recently kind of realized I’m gender-fluid and I’m not really too out about it. Just some coworkers that I trust. I’m glad you were able to get out of toxic relationships and really discover who you are 💜 I’m sorry that it had to happen that way, though. I’m sure it was extremely hard. Also! I’m glad your pain has lessened! Geez I hope I sound sincere 😔 I’m over here trying to sober up 😂 just know that I’m super happy for you! I feel like there was something else I was going to say but it’s blank up there in my brain.

Something something old cartoons playing. Snoopy dancing maybe?

Samwise has def had a pint too many

Confession: the first time I read this ask I was so high that I kept getting lost in the words and thought I was reading a movie. Yes you read that right. So I guess we were two peas in a pod last night eyyyyyy

I almost responded then but words were difficult. So. Trying again today!

A) Write it! Definitely write it. Who cares if it's niche? Do the thing! Have fun!

B) That's awesome you get free education, but I totally get missing campus. I'm literally not allowed to take online classes for my grad degree (the ones I'm taking online currently are to finish my bachelor's...I'm overlapping my senior undergrad and first year grad) which is simultaneously pretty cool because it forces me to be social, but could end up being kinda frustrating with the whole needing a job thing next year. We'll see.

C) Libraries (and librarians) are amazing; I am super duper happy for you and hope that it works out! I also have no desire to work for the government, which is hilarious given that I'm getting my BS and MS in political science, with a specific focus on peace and conflict (more so the conflict than the peace). I want to get a PhD in sociology and then spend my life yelling about how politics can't be separated from society and the subaltern needs a platform to express itself in politics and academia before we go down in literal and/or figurative flames.

D) Who'd you see? I just went to see chvrches last weekend but I want to go to more shows I'm so jealoussss

E) So good you're finding yourself. Don't be afraid to take your time so you're comfy with each step you take. <3

F (in the chat) ) Pain will be resolved eventually I'm just a big ol' baby who isn't used to actually feeling anything. Coming out brought down a lot of internal walls for me, and one of those was pain tolerance. I used to feel nothing (literally, even burns were like "meh") but now I feel everything and I have no coping skills. Something something unexpected side effects.

I hope your day is hangover-free and wonderful!