#i am trying desperately to make progress on this but work and daily life is back on the grind and it’s a Lot

[izzystizzys]

wip title game! tagged by @sithfox <3

rules: make a new post with the names of all the files in your wip folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and tag as many people as you have wips.

- an apple a day

- uhhhh

- Concussed Fox

- an eye for an eye

- The Bombad Commander

- winter is here

tagging: @hastalavistabyebye @whiskygoldwings @rooksunday @cats-and-dr-pepper @stealthetrees

if you have already been tagged feel free to ignore this!

[floweringlamb]

Long scenario :33

New law where all trans guys are considered property. I’m sold off, and a rich family picks me out for my youth and virginity, and because my breasts are intact. The wife has two young kids and an older son, but she was recently diagnosed with a condition that would make it dangerous to give birth again, so I’ve been chosen to carry on the work of creating a large family for them.

I wear a shock collar to prevent me from escaping, and it’s also used any time I’m disobedient. The husband roughly fucks me and creampies me every morning, every time he gets home from work, and every night. I try my best to not cry from dysphoria, so that I won’t feel the horrible electricity run through my body for misbehaving. But it’s a terrible feeling, to be seen as simply an object with a female body, to be used however they wished.

Soon enough, the daily pregnancy test I take finally comes back positive, and my poor cunt gets a bit of a rest, though I am still bent over any time the husband needs some relief. Their older son watches curiously, and ends up groping me and asking endless questions about the female body, which is incredibly embarrassing for me.

I walk around the house completely nude, and the mother oversees the progress of my bump, taking many photos and videos of me starting to walk differently with the added weight a few months in. I’m never allowed to leave the house, instead acting as a permanent housewife, cooking every meal, cleaning every surface, and acting as a second mom to the two little kids, helping them with homework and watching them play. I at least got to sit down for every meal at the table, and the mother would coo and feed me the most nutritious bites to make sure her baby would be born nice and healthy.

As the due date became closer on the horizon, I was made to do yoga and stretch to keep my body flexible and in shape. The older son would often watch me stretch, slapping my ass and making crude comments, which made me wet… probably due to the increased pregnancy hormones. In fact, whenever the son or husband decided to fuck me to relieve their tension, it felt incredible.

I even found myself masturbating, something I had never done before. During that, one time I squeezed one of my boobs and a bit of milk spurted out. I notified the mom, who immediately brought out the milking machine, and had me milk myself until I was dry every morning and night. Gallons were collected and frozen, and it was a relief to feel the weight off of my shoulders, as my breasts had grown heavy with milk. My nipples became more often erect, and they had become dark, which the husband liked to massage and drink out of.

My belly was huge now! Stretch marks lined the sides, and my belly button had popped out. I constantly held and caressed it, trying to keep a bit of the weight off of my hips. Luckily, my hips had adapted and become even wider, naturally in sync grow a child inside me. I began to have trouble getting out of bed, having to rock myself up.

I was cleaning dishes when the time finally came, feeling a rush of water run down my legs and pool onto the floor. I had expected more attention, but the family just went about their day, only the little kids watching in fascination as I screamed and cried, desperately trying to push out the wide head of the baby. After hours of agony, the baby fell out onto a puddle on the floor, and began to cry. The father and mother cooed and cradled their new child. I was ignored after that, so I went to the bathroom and washed my face with cold water. I stared in the mirror and realized I looked completely different to when I arrived at this house. My hair had grown long and silky, my breasts had puffed up and grown heavy with food for the baby, and my stomach now looked like a deflated sack, riddled with stretch marks. I turned and look at how thick my butt and thighs had become, and I realized just how much my body had changed during my new life. I was surprised to find that I wasn’t sad… it felt strangely right, to have a purpose.

[bnuunydoll]

I Draw A Lot More Than I Write

In fact, it's been around 8 months or so since I began my so-called "art grind" and began practicing frequently. That ... didn't exactly stop me from feeling like I should be a lot "better" than I am now, so I wanted to make a post that can explore how far I've come!!

It All Started Here...

I've been calling this lil dood Dotter, and he was supposed to be my own fakemon to go with some romhack ideas. At the time I had dabbled with art a bit before, but I always found it discouraging. Every piece would take more days and executive function spoons than I could typically carry at once. I spent most of my time constantly redoing the same lines in a desperate attempt to make everything look "clean" aaand overall the process was miserable ಠ⁠﹏⁠ಠ

However!!

My gay ass has a sapphic appreciation of women that I desperately wanted to express. And since I had... dabbled in art before, it felt like a potential avenue to that I could take my other wise meandering life in. 乁⁠|⁠ ⁠･⁠ ⁠〰⁠ ⁠･⁠ ⁠|⁠ㄏ

So I Started Studying. Watching tutorials, doing daily practices, taking notes, drawing whenever I had time, and miraculously I've actually kept up with it for 8 months or so now. ⋋⁠✿⁠ ⁠⁰⁠ ⁠o⁠ ⁠⁰⁠ ⁠✿⁠⋌

So Here's Dotter Again!

I wanted to revisit him mooostly because I've been feeling so down on myself about my progress recently, but seeing them side by side really helps me see how much I've improved in various ways (⁠づ⁠｡⁠◕⁠‿⁠‿⁠◕⁠｡⁠)⁠づ

Such as...

Time!

Previously any artwork I made would take several weeks, since I'd have to find the spoons to draw, and then actually draw... which was hard and time consuming due to my perfectionism and inexperience. The most recent art of Dotter took like, a few days? Which is a huge improvement.

Like, Conceptualizing Stuff!!

For a long time (and still now tbh) I struggled to draw anything that wasn't just mimicking a screenshot or something. A lot of my first attempts at art was just trying to draw something and change minor details. While I still do that for practice and warm-ups now, I'm a lot more comfortable with taking a variety of different references and combining them for something new.

The Actual Drawing Thing!!!

Like I brought up before, a lot of time was spent constantly going Ctrl+Z

Ctrl+Z

Ctrl+Z

etc....

desperately trying to find lines that didn't look awful. Now I feel a lot more comfortable not only with getting lines I enjoy, but also feeling more confident in my work and not needing it to be ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. Additionally I've learned to make my lineart look nicer in general with stuff like differing line weights, colors, and other small details!

If nothing else, I am proud of how far I've come mentally with my own art.

Rendering, and Also Light And Shadows!!!!

Before I really struggled to understand how coloring and adding shadows to stuff worked, it was a big reason I was scared to draw anything that I could reference 1:1. But after studying volumes and consulting a lot of tutorials and honestly just like.... looking at stuff irl, I have a much better grasp and can try rendering things based on how I thiiiiink it should work. Which is... a huge improvement over not having a single clue about any of it.

And Finally, the Mindset!!!!!

I struggled a lot with actually getting to a point where I thought it was worth putting in the effort to draw at all. I would work an awful job just to go back to my shitty apartment, try to make something, then get discouraged bc it didn't look like any of the beautiful pieces I saw on Twitter (Presently X) .com. And it's hard, really hard, to feel like there's a point in trying when so many people are just better.

AIronically though, the thing that made me really get into it was the rise of AI art and I guess the like, devaluation of the human spirit or something? Like... I think there's something really magical about just doing your best and showing the world what that is.

The Character Art from Guilty Gear X comes to mind a lot and it's something I treasure. It looks good, but it also doesn't look nearly as refined as later entries and I adore that! The CS has charm and spirit if not polish

AI art produces art that looks very generically "nice," but it's also really lame. I spend A LOT of time watching "bad" movies and "mid" video games and there's something human about those sorts of works that AI art can't ever really copy. Things like an artist struggling to draw ankles despite the rest of their work looking fine, orr a film that just can't manage to get a single steady shot. It's all uniquely charming, and those little quirks made me feel a newfound respect for the struggle and quirkiness of my new art starting out.

Another extension of that human element is that I had to recognize that my skill or ability to draw or do anything doesn't correlate to my worth as a person. It's really hard to to believe after a decade of YouTube slop complaining about "bad" video games and art, but it's true!!! Having a healthy social life and people that care and love me probably means a lot more than whether or not I can draw good.

It's definitely a struggle still not to get discouraged, but I always try to remind myself that a lot of people have been making art since they were children. If I can improve so much in 8 months, I think that's reason to be excited to see how much further I can improve! (⁠つ⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)⁠つ

[neodiji]

Wow, life.

Work is a mess, but I still don't see myself doing anything else. There is a teacher shortage FOR A REASON (well, several reasons...) and it is well-documented, yet nobody actually does anything about it. More duties are added to our plates that we need to complete on our own time, and it just isn't manageable. We don't have planning time anymore because we have meetings and other tasks to do. Teaching has always been like this to some extent, but it just keeps getting worse. Additionally, due to aforementioned teacher shortage, class sizes are larger so that makes the workload heavier just by itself (more students to take into account, assess, track data on, communicate with families about, learn their styles, etc.) We're also not really allowed to give consequences for misbehavior anymore, which makes classroom management harder -- but then we're evaluated on keeping the kids "controlled" during our official observations, so there is a huge disconnect there. To be fair, the system itself has been failing for decades. It just. Keeps. Getting. Worse.

Yet...YET...I live for the moments when my kids' eyes light up about reading, or when they master something that was originally difficult for them. I love when they beg to do more math in their "free time" and when they ask me to play learning games at recess. I love teaching them to celebrate themselves and take pride in working hard. I love when my shy students finally find their voices, or when my impulsive kids use their calm-down strategies and words instead of their hands to solve problems. I adore hearing from families, "Wow, you are making such a difference in my child's life. He comes home now and he WANTS to read..." I love that I have four or five of my kids from my class last year who make it a point to come give me a hug every morning before the day starts, even though their new classroom this year is on a different hallway.

Teaching is so hard, but it's worth it to me. I absolutely could not handle this job if I was married with kids though. It's a good thing I'm aroace and have no desire for the "traditional lifestyle."

Personal-life-wise, my parents' health have been declining. They are in hospitals or skilled nursing facilities more than anywhere else. When they are home, they need around-the-clock care. It is so draining to be a caregiver. I feel depleted. My daily schedule for the past 7 months has been "teach all day (which is already a demanding job) and then go to the hospital/SNF/home and see to their extensive needs all evening and night." I taught summer school too, because I am in desperate need of money. I'm so lucky my sister takes over during the day, so I can keep working and I don't lose my job. This lifestyle is B R E A K I N G me though. I am so exhausted. I am not my best teacher self when I'm so tired and emotionally drained. I am not my best self, period, when I'm trying to take care of so many other people that "self-care" is basically nonexistent.

But...BUT...I have been writing more. Writing SuzaLulu is helping me cope, and it's what I'm choosing to do in my moments of Me Time (usually Saturday evenings, when my brother can come over and take over Parent Duty). It's so different from writing Blackmail. I am not planning or agonizing over my writing. I just type what I want, and it's just for fun so there are no expectations. I can't fail. Plot doesn't make sense? Whatever, it's just fanfic. It's amazing. I am enjoying writing these idiots again. I do feel nostalgic for the Code Geass fandom experience from years ago, but I'm also loving starting to make new connections and embracing how things currently are. Fandom is a wonderful escape from the pressures of daily life. So in that respect, I am choosing to write for self-care. So that's what I call personal progress.

Also, as much as I hate this care-giving lifestyle, I am more appreciative than ever for my siblings. I also am proud of myself for rising to the occasion and doing my part. I'm glad I have learned so much about cancer and my parents' other health conditions that I might be able to help someone else in the future going through a similar situation. I am also appreciative of my colleagues, who have been understanding and supportive of what I'm going through at home. Sometimes life is dark, but it helps to actively think about the light shining through. And there are several stars in the night sky.

And, one of my biggest positives is that I'm buying my first home. We're trying to get my parents into assisted living because it's high time, which means I can then focus more on my own life. And when they sell the family home, I'll need somewhere to go. And I'm lucky enough that I've been able to save enough over the years to make this move possible. Even with all the stress, I am very, very, VERY excited about the little townhouse I'm about to own.

Seriously. If someone wants to come squee with me about my new home and help me plan/decorate, I would love it. My siblings are so drained that they're really not up for it, and my parents aren't always in their right minds anyway. My colleagues are happy for me, but they are spending time with their own families over winter break. I would love to talk about color scheme and buying used furniture and possible room arrangement and finally, finally, FINALLY making a safe place of my own.

My absolute biggest positive? With my mom away in the hospital so often, Nimbus has discovered that I exist. Even when my mom is home, Nimbus chooses to follow me, to cuddle me, to purr at me. There were a few years there where even though he was officially my cat, it didn't feel like it because he didn't care about me. Now, he does. It's nice that my cat had a change of heart for the better. It's amazing to be cuddled. I need the love.

[halliescomut]

Minato's Laundromat Season 2 Midseason(ish) Check-In

Okay, I am going a bit in reverse, but I desperately want to talk about this scene, first, and then we'll backtrack through the season so far. The main conflict of this episode is the ramping up of the fear/insecurity of Akira, and Shintaro's jealousy. After seeing Shintaro with Dr. Kirihara (who took care of Shintaro when he injured his back) Akira starts to become concerned that perhaps their relationship isn't just doctor-patient. And I'm not fully certain if it's that he thinks Shintaro liked the doctor first, but that it was unrequited, so he 'settled' for Akira, or if he thinks there is an actual romantic relationship happening, and that Shintaro is just not breaking up with him (for whatever reason). And we also see a bit of more focused jealousy from Shintaro in relation to Akira and Dr. Kirihara. But I think the most important scene we've had this season is Shintaro and Akira sitting down for a meal after Shintaro introduces him to Dr. Kirihara as his boyfriend.

It's the very first time that we see that distinction made in public to another person, and Akira is upset by it. I do empathize with Akira about feeling both caught off guard, but also nervous, in this situation, because we are all well aware of the daily violence and discrimination that queer people face. In that moment he's not considering that Shintaro wouldn't have said it if he thought the doctor was someone he couldn't trust, and it's entirely possible that Shintaro had already confided in the doctor regarding his sexual identity in the past. But that's not something Akira would have known. After this encounter/conversation, they're arguing about it over dinner. Akira feels uncomfortable about being introduced that way, he's worried about public perception, but Shintaro isn't concerned about the thoughts of others, he's proud to have Akira as his lover, and if he could he'd tell the whole world. Neither are particularly right or wrong in this situation, which is often the case in life, but more they are not willing to bend and compromise, Akira moreso than Shintaro, but both are still being quite stubborn. Shintaro does make a pretty funny joke about growing pains, at least I thought it was funny, in reference to Akira's consistent resistance to progressing their relationship in any manner., and it's made not to be dismissive, but to try and break the tension.

In an attempt to kind of end the fight Akira begins to compliment Dr, Kirihara, he's handsome, kind, responsible, etc., I think in an effort to express that he understand why Shintaro would form a friendship with him, but it sadly backfires. He specifically calls out that he's 'true adult' which is an area where we know Shintaro feels particularly sensitive about. He's consistently concerned that Akira see him as a child, and so he works very hard to be mature and showcase that he is responsible and can be a trustworthy and valued partner. He insinuates to Akira, that perhaps he(Akira) would prefer the doctor over him(Shintaro), which Akira denies.

Akira then asks Shintaro to list 10 reasons why he wants to be with him. And so he does, quickly, with little thought, he numbers off 11 reasons (cute laughing face, cute crying face, sexy voice, beautiful eyes, very caring, many vulnerabilities, but also well protected, hospitable, constantly changing attitudes, always willing to be helpful, likes to do things by himself). And some are silly, but some are incredibly insightful, and show how much interest and attention Shintaro pays to Akira. But when Shintaro asks Akira the same questions, all Akira can come up with is that he's handsome, which while true, would certainly be disappointing to hear from a partner as your only attractive trait. And this is what worries me. Akira does say that Shintaro caught him off guard, and he couldn't think on such short notice, and that's certainly understandable, but it's still giving very much "What else is there?" (Akira could certainly benefit from a sincere conversation with Lord Rogers for sure.)

And this is the scene where I start to get specifically concerned, because I'm of course worried about all of the characters emotional well-being, that's the point of the show, but for Shintaro in particular, while he may not hold back his emotions to the level that Akira does, he's still very much keeping the true depth of his feelings under guard. So in this moment where he's truly vulnerable with Akira, and Akira not only doesn't reciprocate, but also almost diminishes those feelings, he's dealing a pretty significant blow to Shintaro. In any relationship it's uncomfortable to come to a realization that you are more in it than the other person. That you consider their feelings more, or pay more attention to their likes/dislikes, that you simply listen and observe more. It becomes especially upsetting to see that effort dismissed, on top of little to no effort on the part of your partner to do such things for you. I can easily imagine the hurt Shintaro feels at not only being reduced to only his looks (even if unintentionally) but to also have it made clear that all of the effort he makes goes unnoticed and unreciprocated.

Before you all accuse me of being only on Shintaro's side, I will pause here to talk a bit about what he can work on. While I will easily admit that I give him a certain amount of leeway based on his age AND the fact that we do see him actively working towards self-improvement, there are still some areas where progress can certainly be made. Top of that list is his occasional callousness and dismissiveness in regards to Akira's feelings. We see this in the dinner conversation in his response to Akira's concern over being called his boyfriend, and his reaction to Akira's fear of being 'outed' to community members who have known him since he was a child. I do think that this is a combination of things, one being that Shintaro has a certainty that he is right about those fears being un-founded (that stubbornness again). Another is I think related to their generational gap and difference in experience, Akira has simply been alive longer and lived other places, giving him more insight into the potential discrimination they could face both as a gay couple, but also as an age-gap couple. Finally, I do think these reactions are slightly intended to diminish Akira's feelings in a non-vicious way. And what I mean by that, is it's an attempt by Shintaro to express that Akira is letting these fears be bigger than they should be, that he's seeing a tiger where there's only a housecat. The other thing that Shintaro could definitely work on is his jealousy. And while this is an emotion that both of them experience, Shintaro's slightly more confrontational nature makes it a bit more dangerous for him to fall victims to the green-eyed monster. You can see genuine hurt when Akira realizes that Shintaro believe him capable of cheating, and he doesn't know how to calm that fear.

Now that we've addressed that, I will do a quick rundown on the season thus far. Have I posted much about this show on here? IDK. But I did really enjoy season 1, and I thought the age gap was handled pretty well. Would I prefer it 1. Not be so large of a gap, and 2. the younger partner not be in highschool at the beginning? Yes. But those issues aside, I think it was handled as appropriately as possible.

GIF by i-got-the-feels

Back to my point. I was very excited to learn we were getting a second season, as I kind of felt like the ending of season one felt a little unfinished. Yes, Akira and Shintaro were now a couple, but there was still a bit of a feeling of loose ends. And returning for season two, I feel like there's also a little bit of a back step that happened. Or perhaps not even that, but more that there seems to have been no progression in their relationship in the time between the seasons, which is supposed to be a few months.

GIF by i-got-the-feels

GIF by liyazaki

Keep reading

We start season 2 with Shintaro fully engaged in university, while Akira continues work at the laundromat, and things appear to be going well, but with their busy schedules, Shintaro feels a bit like they don't have enough time together. So his plan is to move in with Akira, which Akira denies immediately, instead placing him in the empty apartment next door. There's clear hesitation on Akira's part for them to move too quickly physically, and most often Shintaro is the the initiator of any romantic physical contact. Now, the pace you move as far as physical relations in a romantic relationship is up to each and every couple based on the comfortability of the participants, so I have no issue with this. But we are given insight into Akira's thoughts, and his resistance is not based on lack of desire, or nervousness, or even as far as we know lack of experience. It's solely based on the fear of falling too deeply for Shintaro and the possibility that because Shintaro is young, he may one day change his mind and leave Akira heartbroken. Now does this seem like a bit of an extreme reaction for a 30-ish year old man? A little, but we do have to consider that we learned in season one that Akira had literally been in Shintaro's place before. He had been in love with his teacher, and had even confessed to him, but now a decade later he's found love with someone else. Putting aside the fact that Akira never had a real relationship with that teacher, which is one factor in how he was able to let go of that relationship, it was still his first love, which is not a feeling or situation a person ever truly forgets. And as an adult now, with the knowledge that first loves rarely become only loves, I think he's looking at Shintaro, and he's not able to overcome the fear that in 10 years, Shintaro will think of him fondly, but be with someone else.

GIF by minatoshouji

GIF by minatoshouji

On the opposite side, Shintaro in a pretty hefty bit of self perception, recognizes that their age difference and that his potential immaturity could be a reason for Akira's hesitance, and so he begins a campaign to show that he can be an equal and valuable partner in their relationship. He actively makes meals, works to be a good communicator. He keeps flirting, he doesn't let Akira forget that he not only likes him as a person and cares about him, but that he's attracted to him. And while he's not subtle about it, he's also not overly pushy.

GIF by save-the-data

Moving further, we get to meet Akira's parents (who were adorable) and it becomes clear that Akira is at least not openly out to them, and I'm pretty sure based on context that Akira is not out in any fashion. They inform him that they are going to be renovating the apartment building that Akira and Shintaro are currently living in, and while that's happening he can live in their house outside of town. When they find out Shintaro is living in the apartment next door, they encourage Akira to take him as well, since the renovations/rebuilding are happening at short notice, so it's the least they can do to minimize the disruption. This again causes anxiety in Akira, as he's already struggling with his emotional and physical feelings for Shintaro, and he knows things will become more difficult for him if they're in the same house and around each other even more frequently. This is kind of where I start to get a little frustrated with Akira. I do truly understand his hesitancy, but I also recognize the potential harm that the emotional distance can create. It starts dancing into self-sabotage territory. If he stays distant, Shintaro will eventually become fed up with it, will stop trying, and will move on, so it all becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

As we move into episodes 3 and 4, we see a lot more closeness and acceptance between Akira and Shintaro, specifically, when they're alone at the house, it's easier for Akira to allow more skinship when there's no chance of being seen, I think. This is confirmed when they go to a festival in town (looking absolutely precious in traditional yukatas) and have a really good time, but Akira gets nervous to be seen holding hands with Shintaro. When Akira has the concern that Shintaro might actually be ashamed to be seen with him, so he does some research and buys some new clothes. This is a positive move forward, in that it shows that Akira not only has his own ability to self-reflect, but also that he cares enough to put time and effort into being a partner Shintaro can be proud of.

GIF by smittenskitten

GIF by liyazaki

Now we're fully caught up to the episode which came out today (8/2/2023). There's a lot more work and communication that needs to be done by both of them over the next 7 episodes, but both of them do genuinely have the foundation of love and affection that make it possible. They just need to take that leap of faith.

Hope you enjoyed my ramble.

[your-local-hoemie]

Can i request mordern chilhood friends to lovers with anyone you want ><

I AM BACK BAYBEEEEE!!!

Sorry this took so long and that it’s so short! I’ve been dying!! I decided to go for Scara if that’s ok! I’ve been having intense brain rot over him and figured this was perfect for it! Also sorry for the bad ending hdjchfei, it was a little rushed at the end but I did my best!

Warnings: fluff, bad plot progression jfjdkdjxk, swearing, gn!reader, not proof-read.

Characters: scaramouche (wanderer).

Sitting at the edge of your bed, head in your hands while groaning like a dying puppy- you threw another crumpled up ball of paper across the room in frustration.

You had spent the last 4 hours of your night torturing yourself by trying to write a confession letter.

Whom to? Well none other than your childhood friend, scaramouche.

A childhood friend with the personality of a angsty 14 year old mixed with a tongue sharper than the sharpest sword in history.

A strange name yes, but it’s one of many that he’s decided to go by throughout his lifetime.

So all in all; he’s absolutely insufferable.

So why is it you’re writing a confession to him?

It all started years ago when scara’s mother decided to focus all her attention on taking over her sisters business after it was left in her hands, leaving Scara to fend for himself until his aunt, Nahida, decided to do the unthinkable and take the little brat in.

You happened to be working as an assistant in her flower shop when she introduced the purple haired gremlin to you.

At first he was extremely quiet and distant- only saying words of irritation or the occasional curses under his breath when customers got particularly irritating.

Then after a few months of awkwardly trying to start conversations with him and facing his wrath whenever you happened to arrange a bouquet in the wrong order, you decided to give up completely and just not talk to him at all.

That was until he suddenly decided that your pestering, that was now part of him daily routine, wasn’t all that bad then ever so kindly called you a idiot and decided to make you continue your confused efforts in friendship without fail.

After that, you could say that you both somehow grew pretty close.

Growing up together, attending the same school and eventually even becoming roommates in a small apartment.

Everything seemed absolutely perfect.

That was until one of your friends happened to ask that stupid question.

“So are you two dating yet or what?”

Curse them.

Of course you’re not dating! Why would you be dating?

He’s just a friend? Sure you’re the only one he’d willingly talk to.

Yes you’re the only one who was allowed to hug him or tease without getting your head immediately snapped off by his own two hands.

Well fuck.

After weeks of overthinking and ripping your hair out while obsessing over those stupid words, trying desperately to convince yourself you two are the least compatible people alive but somehow managing to find the pro’s to all of the cons.

Which is where we are now-

Sighing, you buried your face into your pillow before a sudden knock on the door startled you.

“You haven’t left your room all day, dumbass. Open up”

It was him. The annoyingly pretty, infuriatingly insufferable, lovable brat.

“Go away! I’m busy and I don’t need your annoying ass distracting me any more than what you already are!”

“M’hm, see I don’t really care”

Before you could even react, he twisted the doorknob opening the door before stepping inside.

He silently stood there, taking in the sight of the papers scattered across the floor then over at you, slumped over yourself on your bed in embarrassment and frustration.

“The fuck happened to you? Don’t tell me you’re having another breakdown over Professor Zhongli’s test’s”

Reaching down for one of the crumpled up papers, you immediately shot up off your bed in a futile attempt to stop him from reading what was probably the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened in your life, other than that one time you accidentally called Venti “miss” the first time you met, which does still haunt your mind on a daily basis.

“W-wait! No it’s ok, it’s not important! Please just leave it there-”

“Sh, I’m reading”

Scara glanced at you with a sly grin that really was the visual embodiment of “go suck my dick, I’ll do what I want”

A few moments of reading silence pass by with you now sinking deeper into yourself, begging to somehow shrivel up and disappear.

“Is this true?”

Scara stood near the foot of your bed, glancing up at you with one eyebrow raised in a mix of amusement and disbelief.

“It… it is. I’m sorry, I told you to leave it alone and it’s so stupid, I just thought maybe writing a letter would do something but-”

Before you could finish your sentence, Scara politely interrupted you, once again, then karate chopped your head just soft enough that it didn’t managed to kill you on impact.

“I… I don’t think you’re as stupid as everyone else either”

“Is that- you feel the same way??”

“Tch, just don’t think this means I’m getting soft or I will kill you without hesitation”

“None at all?”

Looking up at him with a small, smug grin, you could easily see the slight dusting of pink appearing on his usually porcelain coloured cheeks.

“Maybe just a little…”

Guys I’m getting better!!! If my recovery keeps going on the way it is I should have the all clear by next week!!! I feel bad for this taking time away from my writing but I got a bunch of ideas built up from being stuck in bed which I will feed ya’ll with.

[rigelmejo]

2/1/2023 Update on progress using Glossika Japanese. Lessons listened to: 37

This update is mostly for my personal tracking later. 

Downsides: I am struggling to get myself to listen to lessons. Based on time I have per day to listen to audio in the background, I should have gone through at least 100 lessons by now, and easily could’ve gone through 300. So 37 is... disappointing. I do relisten to the audios sometimes, so even though I’ve only gotten through 37 lessons I have probably listened to lessons 100 times. I suppose the upside is relistening to lessons before moving on is the actual way glossika recommends to study - listen to the prior day’s lesson before listening to the current day’s lesson. However, I was not trying to study how glossika recommended. I was trying to cram through as many audio lessons as possible so I could review if simply doing that and only that, was enough to learn a decent amount and see improvement. 

I desperately would like to get through all 312 lessons in a month. Just so I could finish and prove to myself if it helps or not! 

Since for me, a decent portion of these lessons are a form of audio review for me, so I do not need to be spending as much time on them as I am. I wanted to use these to review my knowledge and reinforce it, and strengthen my listening skills (and pronunciation knowledge) since I currently recognize more words by kanji meaning than by actually knowing their pronunciation (meaning I can’t recognize in listening words that I’d know if I was reading). So I feel I am... wasting a lot of my own time here, drilling beginner things I already know and working through the glossika lessons too slowly. Which is a bad perfectionist habit of mine that I often fall into when doing japanese study. oops.

I unfortunately have no solution to this tendency I have to avoid going through the lessons. I clearly am not super interested in the glossika lessons lol, they must bore me. For anyone else considering using glossika let this be useful to you: if you find it so plain its hard to listen to, it might be hard for you to push yourself to go through the lessons. The lessons are GOOD, don’t get me wrong. I just find it much ‘easier’ to make myself listen to a condensed audio of a video game (even though I know less words), or to play a japanese video game and look up words, than I find it to get myself to listen to simple boring daily life sentences in japanese/english. Just my personal focus issue. My brain loves to be challenged I think, even though I think in some cases like this it can make things less efficient.

Side studying I’ve been doing in japanese: I’ve played about 10 hours FFX and Persona 3 in japanese now. I went through about 300 memrise words in Nukemarine’s LLJ memrise courses before I got burned out with memrise again. I also have been playing like 50+ hours in the Yakuza games with english subs lately. While this doesn’t actually count as studying since I’m using english subs, I do hear the japanese audio frequently and I do think it helps me remember new words I’ve learned recently since I’m hearing them regularly and when I listen sometimes I try to compare the japanese I hear to the english subs and see if the translation changed anything. So all in all lets call the 50+ Yakuza games with english subs ‘mild review’ and count it as 10 study ‘review’ hours. 

So total study time these past 3 months has been: 10 hours video games in japanese, 10 hours japanese audio with english subs (so review but not real study), 50 hours of glossika audio (each audio is about a half hour and I relistened to most lessons 2-3 times so I’m guessing around 50 hours total), maybe 5 hours memrise and trying out the Listlang app, maybe 4 hours on Satori Reader (which later on in my journey I think will be an excellent study tool to prepare for reading but I don’t have the money for a subscription right now). 10+10+50+5+4= 79 study hours. ToT

79 study hours over 3 months. Yikes. I sure am lazy. so in ~90 days I did on average ~50 minutes of study a day. Okay... not entirely awful I guess. I usually make good progress with chinese at 1-2 hours study a day on average, so 50 minutes isn’t way below that amount... it could be way worse. I’m frankly amazed I made noticeable progress in the last few months then, damn, considering it wasn’t like a few hundred hours...

Upsides: Despite my apparently not very high study hours... I actually have noticed significant improvement. 

With Persona 3 - I played it 1 year ago and it took 1 hour to get to the save point. This month, it took about 20 minutes to get to the save point and I was able to get to the save point 3 times. So I was able to play the game 3 times faster, therefore I was able to read 3x faster. That’s a pretty huge improvement. I also was able to look up less words. When I played it a year ago I had to look up words frequently (about once every 2-3 minutes or more) and gave up even trying to read once I got to the school I just skipped text and tried to get to the save point as quick as possible and it still took an hour. This month when I played it I was able to only look up a word around once every 5 minutes, I could read the text fast enough that I did not need to skip text sessions to ‘speed up’ my playtime. I was able to spend some time actually exploring the character’s bedroom and school since reading was faster and therefore much more bearable. A 3 times faster reading speed is a REALLY noticeable improvement, I can’t express just how much easier everything feels when I can read faster. It makes the experience much easier and more bearable. Hiragana words and slang still made me feel very drained trying to understand wtf they meant by guessing, but it still felt 3 times easier than last year lol. 

With Final Fantasy X - I’m noticing improvement AS I play. When I started, the menu was challenging, now I find navigating the menu quite easy and honestly a game menu is a great way to repeatedly practice recognizing words until you learn them. So is the combat menu. It’s like how in english we never knew the word ‘ultima’ or ‘aeon’ as far as the actual attack or creature they mean in a game, but we learn because a game teaches us. This is comforting, we have to learn these kinds of words even when playing games in english... so learning them in japanese is not really much different. So yeah, the pause menu and combat menu are already notably easier 10 hours in then when I started. Common words specific to this game were also picked up fast - I know know summoner, summon, defeat, cheer, pray, temple, monster, magic, boat, port, waruiwa - (used as ‘im sorry this is a bad time’ sort of like sumimasen but casual to end a conversation), a lot of more casual word endings or word forms (Tidus and Wakka...). This is comforting, as now I expect if I played something like say Nier Automata I would pick up the technology words eventually simply because they’re used a lot. Or in Kingdom Hearts I sure would pick up hearts, darkness, light, friends, friendship, worlds, keyblade, fast lol. I am also noticing it’s much easier to follow what’s being said in scenes then when I started. When I started I’d usually understand 1 part of a sentence but not all of it, or 1 sentence but then not 2 more then understand on again. Whereas now 10 hours in I watched the scene on Mihen High Road where Yuna and Tidus talk in front of the sunset. I understood every word of every single line, except 1 single line I didn’t know one clause within it. So I understood the scene Really Well, well enough to compare the japanese translation to the english translation I remember. There’s still lines where I only understand part of them (like when Seymour says ‘Then pretend I didn’t say it’ I understood that line but not the one right before it, or when Gatta says Chappu says spending time with your girl is nice but... I did not catch the part where I know in english he says ‘protecting your girl from’ sin is better. I only caught the ‘your girl’ part beforehand and ‘sin’ part toward the end). But I AM understanding a great deal of full lines, which is fun as I’ve been comparing it to the english translation I remember to see what was changed in english or kept the same. Lulu is... really direct in japanese just like she is in english, which I was surprised by. There’s also a part where Seymour asks Auron “It’s been 10 years, how have you been” or whatever, and Auron literally says “I’m Yuna’s guardian, I’m busy” then walks away. It was just really funny to me how directly he shuts Seymour down. Or when Gatta says when he told Lulu about Chappu, she hit him too. 

When I started playing FFX this month I did not expect that I was going to eventually be able to understand the lines to this degree of detail. I thought at best I was going only be able to follow the main idea. Now to be fair: I’ve played this game before in english so I have that remembered english script in my memory to help me guess unknown words or lines. I expect a game I’ve NEVER played before would be considerably harder. However, this speed of progress bodes well for if I wanted to play Nier Replicant or Nier Automata. Apparently the navigation menus will not take more then a few hours to get comfortable with in japanese, and after enough hours I will be able to enjoy understanding the detail of a lot of the japanese lines. Which is definitely a good motivation to want to play more games in japanese - I am very interested in comparing the japanese script and choices with the english translation, and knowing it will be possible to do that is exciting. 

With manga - an unexpected improvement. I’ve been opening up manga from time to time. I am finding some easier to read now. I think the improvement is mainly due to reviewing information I knew already because I’m using japanese more. I still find heavy adverb use and hiragana word usage hard and that’s where a majority of the unknown words I don’t understand but that are important are. 

Basically - I’m seeing a significant reading improvement in both skill and especially speed at 3x faster than last year, ability to follow the speed up japanese in of cutscenes/follow the speed of japanese in audio much better than before, significant improvement in recognizing stuff I’ve studied before faster/easier, and some small but solid improvement in vocabulary. I did not expect any noticeable improvement until I’d studied a few hundred more hours, so honestly this is really great and a lot more than I expected.

In regard to the Glossika lessons: I DO think they’ve been helping, I Do think they’ve been reinforcing my knowledge I already knew and giving me good review, and while I struggle to listen to them often I do think they work similarly well for me as anki/memrise do except without requiring 100% of my focus when I do them. So the glossika lessons (audio flashcards) are easier for me to actually study. While I wish I was doing them more, I’m happy to say I do think they’re helping me improve like I hoped they would.

[khalessi-aline]

So basically I'm getting back on BC because I don't want to get pregnant. Children are ansolute blessings but lately I've been thinking about where I am in life and I really don't like what I see.

Not financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, none of it. I feel like I am sliding into depression because I just don't see things getting better, I'm not getting better or more healed, my mind is everywhere, and I've been feeling really self destructive lately. I'm starting to feel like I am burdening other people with my emotions and bullshit to avoid dealing with it myself but at the same time there's all these voids within me that I don't know how to fill. I look at you and I see you're making progress, like real sustainable identifiable progress and I'm just existing and fighting to not succumb to the urge to just cry and sleep and sleep and cry. I'm overwhelmed every second of the day. I'm burdening people and annoying them and making my problems their problems and that's not fair and makes me feel selfish and stupid.

I want sex. I want to be held. I want to be loved. Lie to me. Even if it's not real, please just give me a few moments of utter pleasure before I have to wade back into the bullshit cycle of my bullshit go nowhere do nothing life starring the biggest failure I've ever met, me. I failed at being a daughter who had parents that wanted her. I failed at being a wife whose husband wanted to treat her well. I'm failing at being a mom because there's so much I just can't do for my daughter, I just can't afford it. I failed the babies I lost because I couldn't even bring them into this world. I fail at my job daily which i know because my boss tells me constantly how bad I'm doing. I'm so fucking desperate for anyone, someone to love me and to want me, I joined a dating app, talked to a handful of guys, soaked up their empty platitudes but at the end of the day, I'm just a piece of ass to fuck. I'm meaningless and if a child was to erupt from one of those pairings, I wouldn't forgive myself. Ever.

I can't stand who I am. I hate feeling so lost and broken and fragile and drifting through life aimlessly hoping for something to get better, meanwhile fucking shit up for other people and forcing them to try and make me happy when happiness should come within but how can i when i am nothing. I have nothing.

My check hits at 8 and is gone by 10.

I want things to be better. I need to make more money, I need to make smarter decisions, I need to take my health into my own hands and work on becoming healthier and stronger, I need to be a better role model, I need to stop living in a fantasy of everything working out and the good girl gets her happy ending because the truth is, that's not my reality. I'm not good because if I was, I wouldn't be here. And I'm not going to find my multiple soul mates who are going to fall in love with me and make it their life's mission to love me, fuxk me, uplift me, care for me, cherish me, spoil me, hug me, hold me and make my every day a piece of heaven on earth as I would do for them. That shit only happens in reverse harem romantasies and it's not real.

Nothing is real.

Except heartbreak, rage, and loss. That's incredibly real. And it's all I seem to have been alloted.

[cryptidsurveys]

Monday, July 8th, 2024.

How would you describe your journey so far in your 20s? It would be rather difficult to overstate it: my 20s were hell. As was the first portion of my 30s. Call it an exercise in drowning. Of surfacing occasionally, gasping for air, only to find myself repeatedly submerged beneath the waves. And when I finally woke up on some unknown shore, it felt like nothing more than a deathly dream, a last, desperate hallucination. Even so, I stumbled forward; and by degrees, I realized I was awake, alive…perhaps even okay. What failed to kill me didn't necessarily make me stronger, but it didn't break me, either. There was a new land, a new life ahead of me, beckoning me to explore it if I dared. And so I did, and so I am, and so continues this story I once thought was over.

What role does music play in your life, and are there any songs or artists that have had a significant impact on you? I often find music to be overwhelming, although to a lesser extent than in the past. There was just something about the atmosphere, the lyrics, or whatever that struck at my core or gave rise to emotions that were entirely too much to bare. Instead of being a healing thing, like it seems to be for so many others, it was like torture. These days, I can stand to listen to classical music on my drive to/from the animal shelter, as well as the (typically) classic rock station while I'm there, plus a bit of other stuff now and then. There are still songs that get to me, but I'm better at brushing them off.

As for artists that had a significant impact on me, the biggest one would probably be Kent. I listened to them obsessively in my early 20s. I'm honestly not sure what it was about them; I don't vibe with them the same way I used to, but something must have really resonated with me because they were basically all I would listen to for a while there.

Are there any specific goals or aspirations you have for your future? How do you plan to work towards them? I don't have any great ambitions. I just want to be more self-reliant and capable of supporting myself independently. I want to live in a small apartment, work at the animal shelter where I currently volunteer, and appreciate the sacred mundanity of life. Perhaps one day my scope will widen, and I will desire more for myself; but for now, simple existence feels like a blessing.

How do you prioritize self-care and maintain your mental well-being in your daily life? I stick very closely to a daily/weekly routine. I try to eat fairly healthily, and as close to "enough" as I can manage. I try to keep on top of the housecleaning. I get a good dose of socialization at the animal shelter, or at the very least, the presence of other people. And I give myself plenty of time to rest, to just be, to be nothing to anyone or anything.

What are some activities or hobbies that bring you joy and help you relax? Creating art, scrolling through Tumblr and updating my autumn blog (ephemeral-autumn), spending time in nature, listening to podcasts, vlogs, and docu-style YT videos (with some brain rot trash thrown in there as well, for good measure), reading (when I actually bother to do it), cuddling with my kitties, chatting with my dad, etc.

Have you ever faced any challenges related to mental health? How do you cope with them? Oh boy, have I ever. It's easier to cope now. I really don't know what changed. Maybe certain lessons just accumulated until they clicked. I just try to adhere to the self-care activities I mentioned above, have patience with myself, and take things one day at a time.

How do you define love and what does it mean to you personally? Asking me to define love is like asking me to define God. I just can't do it. I mean, I'm still learning how to love myself. Progress is agonizingly slow, but maybe one day, I'll finally be able to say, "I understand."

What qualities do you look for in a partner or potential significant other? Get back to me at some undetermined point in the future. I just don't feel like I'm at all ready to contemplate a serious romantic relationship. I'm not even sure I'm ready for close friendships. Acquaintances and coworkers are about all I can handle at the moment.

How do you navigate dating in the modern world, especially with the influence of technology and social media? I can't see myself ever resorting to online dating. I'd rather meet someone ~in the wild~. Maybe I'm closing myself off from meeting a potential soulmate, but honestly, the near equivalent to blind dating has never really been my thing. When it comes to the influence of tech and social media in general, well, idk. I guess I'll navigate it the same way I do the rest of life, seeing as it's the water we're all swimming in at this point.

What are your thoughts on marriage and starting a family? Is it something you envision for yourself? Despite everything I've said above, there is still part of me that hopes for a life-long partner. However, children are absolutely out of the question.

How do you maintain a healthy work-life balance and prevent burnout? I don't have a job-job. I only volunteer part time, approximately 20hrs a week, so I have a lot of time to myself. Even so, it's still a bit difficult to manage my energy levels, which are nothing like normal, so I do have to balance it out with housework, errands, free time, sleep, etc.

Are there any specific skills or areas of knowledge you would like to develop or improve upon? I want to get better at social interactions and become capable of truly being myself in the presence of others. And other things as well, but those things feel more general as opposed to super specific. Just stuff I enjoy learning about, etc.

How do you handle setbacks or failures and use them as opportunities for growth? I just try to look at everything like a lesson or a test. Instead of thinking "woe is me," I try to focus on what I can learn from a given experience.

How do you stay connected with your friends and loved ones despite the demands of adult life? Seeing as I'm not really a fully-fledged "adult" in terms of responsibilities, independence, etc…I can't say.

Are there any specific travel destinations or experiences you hope to explore in the future? Japan is at the top of the list. I would also love a whirlwind tour of all the ancient cities, monuments, megaliths, cathedrals, cave paintings, etc. And it's long been a dream of mine to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail; however, with how much has likely changed over the years, grown, modernized, closed in, etc…who knows. Maybe it won't be like the adventure I'm expecting. Maybe I'm looking for something that no longer exists as it did in the past.

How do you navigate and make decisions about your career path and professional growth? I just know I want to work at the animal shelter for the rest of my life. Making that work financially, though…considering it's only a minimum wage job…ugh. I'll figure it out somehow. Maybe I'll find some sort of side gig that makes it feasible, or I'll learn to live very frugally.

What are some of your favorite ways to give back to your community or contribute to causes you care about? Volunteering.

How do you envision your life in the next five years, and what steps are you taking to make that vision a reality? Can't say I have a five-year plan or anything of the sort. I'm just going to try to keep building upon and expanding the life I have, and hopefully that will get me somewhere good enough.

[nelofairc]

the darkness that’s been heavily anchoring me down over the last month or more is starting to lift. it’s a curious transition-state, which gets even more curious with each revolution.

trauma recovery is not linear. there are times where (with the right supports, provided in the right ways, at the right times, where basic needs are also met outside of sessions) you can witness incredible leaps in your own progression. at other times it kind of plateaus, where things are kind of ticking along in slightly improved ways (typically where no other external pressures are being added in the background, so daily needs are manageable, just), without any particular leaps occurring but where life feels slightly more full… or at very least like it could get there one day (offering glimmering suggestions of HOPE!). and then there are times where you’re yanked back into old states of complete dishevelment, feeling as though you’d never even begun therapy (typically when external pressures have poked their sharp edges into anything you need as basic safety).

the experience of relapse is… harsh. the wise elder voice (which was painstakingly debrided over days/weeks/months/years of consistent effort after never knowing it existed) vanishes in the fog, replaced only by the inner demons who add this stumble to their legacy of evidenced cynicism. “see, it doesn’t work”. they tell you. “all that hope, all that effort, all that trust you placed in yourself and others… watch it shatter in your desperate clutching hands, feel its splinters puncture your flesh, witness your soul escaping your bones through its death of a thousand cuts”. every perceived bad thing you’ve ever done flashes before your eyes, crowding out anything good that has ever happened to you (or by you), and your world view shrinks down to a pinhole. no one is getting in, you are definitely not getting out, you’re lost and alone. again. and you DESERVE it. all the tools you’ve used before which gradually brought you back to some sense of humanness… no longer work. journalling, walking, being in nature, yoga, singing, helping others and receiving help in turn, eating good food, getting a decent amount of sleep… they all become locked behind an ancient oak door with blackened iron bars. your gaol, of your own making, because you are not worth more than this and never will be. any fragments of hope not just lost but ridiculed. it hurts.

you get similar cycles with addiction - which isn’t surprising, given that addiction generally has trauma at its roots. when i was first attempting to stop drinking alcohol in earnest around a decade ago, i set myself the challenge of a month without booze. i ended up so close to self harm, so isolated and ashamed, it was safer to just start drinking again. i’d justified my ‘dependency’ (as i then termed it) for decades, telling myself “if i don’t drink, i’ll die”. and i believed it. booze was a distraction from the reality of barely surviving. my home was precarious, i was unemployed (as someone who only knew themselves, their identity, as their career mask), i’d pushed everyone who might have tried to care away in my transactional core belief that i had nothing to offer them in return for their kindness, and i had no idea i was queer, nonbinary, neurodivergent, or traumatised. i’d pushed through burnout after burnout, convinced that if i could just stop drinking everything would be okay and my tendrils of life would return to ‘normal’. but how could it? and wtf was ‘normal’ anyway?! i was stealing my only coping mechanism without replacing its presence with anything more healthy or understanding why it existed in the first place, then sneering in disgust at myself when the removal of that ‘support’ sent me crashing to the ground.

years later, armed finally with a better understanding of who i really am, but still lacking vital basic needs, and finding myself in a situation where the few people i had spent a year trying to trust and rely on were only out to harm me… i fell into one of the worst relapses i’ve ever experienced. sitting on the side of a riverbank, so drunk i couldn’t move, soaked in my own piss and tears, on the anniversary of my undiagnosed emotionally abusive mother’s death… i finally realised that if i continued to drink i most certainly would die. that night was the first time i have ever reached out to a stranger during a moment of crisis (hell, i think it was the first time i’d reached out to anyone during crisis). barely able to speak, stunned at the fact i’d even kept this phone number never mind called it (i dislike phonecalls with a very ND defiance), i stuttered my way through sobs and pain. this unknown-to-me man validated me instead of criticising my life choices, held me in my desperation, and ‘walked’ me home safely (even when i got to the building and told him getting in the lift was likely to cut off the call… he told me to stay on the line until i was safely in my flat). what a human.

the next day i woke with a horrendous hangover, a whole world of shame, and a most curious surprise. that night i had heard a tiny, quiet voice inside which nudged me to make the phonecall, and the phonecall had saved my life. finally: evidence that somewhere deep inside was a part which didn’t want me to die. i chose that day to not have a drink - not with any kind of ambition that i would become sober, but that, for that one day, i would not touch alcohol. the next day, i made the same choice. and the next, and the next. it’s now over four and a half years later, and i am still sober. what i learned over the years before and during this is that a relapse is never a return to DayOne. it is always, always, DayOnePlus. DayOne, plus the learnings gathered from the last attempts at sobriety, or self care, or self worth, or connection. you learn from what worked and what didn’t work, you forgive yourself for being unable to cope with whatever caused the last crisis, and you Keep Fucking Trying.

it’s horrendous how society dismisses addicts, and equally horrendous how we blame and dismiss people as 100% bad/good according to how regulated their nervous systems are (or not). we tell boys and men the only appropriate emotional expression is STRENGTH and ASSERTIVENESS, humiliate them as pussies if they dare to reveal their caring (read: feminine, aka: horrorful) sides, then hold zero tolerance policies whenever their inner rage explodes out of them (where the fuck is it supposed to go?!). we tell girls and women to be subservient to the needs of others and to neglect themselves, dismiss their infrequent calls for help (whether medical supports, or economic inequality, or legal protections), and blame them for the unwanted attentions of men, while attributing all accountability around the men raised as monsters onto their mothers. we set men against women (despite the problem being a binary-obsessed, power-hungry patriarchy which harms all genders), rich against poor (despite capitalism being the root of all socioeconomic precarity), coloniser against colonised (ridiculing anyone who seeks a mutually supportive and inclusively equitable culture as ‘woke’)… and then we decry anger as the problem of the individual and not the systems which oppress us all.

anger isn’t bad, it’s a naturally occurring emotion which tells us something is wrong and we need to take action to change it. what is bad is hurting people with a violent expression of that anger, but shaming people about the rage which has built up from decades, generations, of unmet needs and unexpressed emotions is not the way to handle things.

my own anger has torn me apart inside, without anywhere more healthy to put it. i’ve self silenced, masked, isolated, self harmed, internalised and dissociated for decades, because the risk of further abandonment if anyone could see the horrors inside me are too much to bear… without realising that i’m abandoning myself in the process. when you’ve spent years begging for help and being denied it, then begging for financial support so you can afford to go private (and being multiply retraumatised throughout the process), and eight years later you finally start to see progress… and then another relapse swoops in and claims (with evidence) that anything you clawed back together was pure fantasy, a fiction, not for folk like you… it’s hard for that tiny quiet voice to get through the far more experienced self-destructive ones.

yesterday that tiny voice, my inner wise elder, came back. this morning it nodded to me again. my work now is to keep listening, keep feeding my soul, keep seeking those glimmers of hope, and above all: keep doing the fucking work.

[kyrodo]

We... sussed out kaskat's group XD of all people. I never expected him to pull me away to another room lol when I turned on player pick up. Even stranger still I never expected to hop off kaskat's instance early to watch kirby. And uhhh we're being shipped together again in places I didn't expect xD choskey has been sweeter with me, and I can feel my heart melting when we're around each other. And Red is getting jealous unfortunately >.> tbh I don't know how things will progress from here. I'm more focused on the journey than the destination at this point, because the journey has been really fun. I have so many things to think about. Small things here and there that C himself has initiated and videos he's shared that relate to us. It would be difficult at this point to say I'm not his crush. And I'm really happy being around him. Petting him. Helping him understand programming. Planning out projects we'll work on together. Or things to play and watch. Helping him find his identity in the furry fandom. Helping him grow. I've helped him in so many ways and had gratitude expressed for it. And thinking back now I think cho wanted the same thing I did from vrchat. A default. Not just random people to visit now and then but someone to plan out things to do with. And that's what I became. People keep saying we're cute together. People keep matching us together onsite in public lobbies even when we're not even doing anything. Just for showing up in our avatars. But it perfectly reflects how I feel inside. I don't want to cheat or hurt Red and I don't think cho wants that either but I do love him a lot. I feel the fire burning inside with so much more weight to it than random fantasies I've had for Twitter mutuals and the like. Memories. Expressions. Identity. Personality. Interactions. Fantasies. This constant study of everything we share and do together and what he could be thinking from them. It is a much more proper crush than all the times I've admired anyone from afar. And one where I know for a fact we get along really well. The problem as always is the destination. Where can love grow when I'm already mated. And I am much more comfortable with the concept of polyamory than I was before, I didn't think I'd actually get anywhere close to it being a reality. I didn't think I'd ever meet anyone that would make me seriously consider it. Though I've certainly been in this hole a lot over the past few years. Red is unfortunately not enough to fulfill my social needs. Gaming wise or activity wise or even sexually if I want to think that far. Red always stops things early. Or regrets the recreational time we share when he'd rather be productive. Or is hyper picky about food, bright lights, socializing etc. I don't fully embrace his worship for emergency services, especially police. I get no assistance finding things to actually do together. So I think a part of me is constantly looking for someone to fill in the gaps that he leaves behind. And maybe that's why I keep falling in love. I desperately need something that I'm not getting sitting still. But I have to be very careful about it. I can't start relationships with people other than Red. I don't want to be known for that. So I'm basically trying to get as close as I can to one without actually making that final step. But again there's no final goal beyond spending as much time as I can with my crush. A situation I never seem to escape but learned to navigate better and safer.

I genuinely and deeply care for choskey. I want to see him happy. I want to see him grow. And I want to spend as much time as I can with him. Because it makes me feel extremely happy. A part of me constantly wishes I could be so much more for him. But maybe this is all I need.

And I know a part of it is to also make up for my trauma, my social and romantic failings. But there's so much more depth to it than that now. Cho's personality and presence is baked into my life now, my daily thoughts, my dreams and wishes. There are very good reasons for me to feel the way I do, reasons even people on the outside would have to respect I think. I mostly wish I had always been this respectful. I would never have gotten hurt at the very least, or at least it would have hurt quieter and without any added drama. Even though I keep falling in love, I'm proud of who I am now, and I don't feel as ashamed about it.

[unkn0wnusererr0r]

I need you to hold me. I’m not trying to be sad and I feel like you are grumpy because I’m sad because you don’t know or understand what more you can do to make me feel comfortable. It’s not a matter of comfort, it’s being sad about having to go home alone tonight, it’s being fearful of losing something that makes my heart feel content and happy. It’s that I’m working on not needing constant reassurance all the time but do sometimes, still usually daily that we are on a good trend. I like knowing how you are feeling, I wish you could just tell me that yes you can see us getting back together. Yes you can see us having our future. I am doing everything I can not to be in a sour mood and I haven’t been in a sour mood until this evening, I’m just feeling sad all of a sudden. I feel like everyone around me is living my life and I’m just doing everything I can do to just hang on. I want my wife and boyfriend back, I want them to take me back. To say they can see my changes and that we can be together as long as I keep up my progress of change. To let me live the life I so desperately want. I feel like we finally found someone and then I got pushed aside and left behind for the sake of needing to change. I immediately jumped on and said “okay let’s work on change” - that has to count for something. Please let it count for something. I just want us to be dating.

[kanene-yaaay]

Full of Life

Random Notes: This fanfic contains Cheer Up Tickles, Mouth Tickles, Rapberries, Tickly Kisses, Gang Up Tickles, Nice Nicknames, Light Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and the power of friendship. This fic is about 3.000 words. This fic is Lee!Patton with Ler!Logan and Ler!Roman with also implied Lee!Logan. Virgil is mentioned. I did not prrofreaded this yet :’v.

Kanene’s Notes: Heya!! Holy gosh, I started this fic with a very clear direction in mind and then proceeded to ignore it xDD. Gosh, I literally forgot how natural writing can feel. I hope you have as fun reading this as I did writing it. <3

[~*~]

Patton was not sure how Logan knew about the Blanket Rule, but he did. Maybe they talked about this one day.

 About how, when Patton opened Logan's door and immediately went to hide under the grey comforter of his friend's room, that meant he didn't want any kind of contact. No touches. No words. No acknowledgment.

 And Logan respected that. He was just so good like that.

 Actually, in Patton's opinion, Logan was amazingly good at a handful of things, but especially in dealing with sad days.

 They didn't expect sad days to go as smoothly as they did in each others' company, but now that they lived through tough and hard moments, it really couldn't go any other way.

 Logan, for his part, didn't know how to comfort and preferred the silence instead of the possibility of saying the wrong thing and upsetting the person further, obligating him to deal with things he hardly understood, such as feelings. And, in Patton's turn, he would rather cry and let himself feel all the bad emotions far away from any judgmental eyes or unsolicited advices.

 Now, Patton wasn't really sure what he had to offer on Logan's Bad Days, but the other confirmed that he helped with such certainty and unavoidable security that it left no other options than trusting on his words.

 Patton trusted him. A lot.

 The cat lover mused this sentence on his brain, trying to focus better on his senses than the overwhelming thoughts that fought desperately for his attention. It was also good that Logan's house wasn't the quietest, too. Above the heat that started to bring his mind to the present and to the now, Patton could hear the sound of Roman in the kitchen, talking fiercely on the phone, hitting by accident - between curses and 'Who the hell put this here?' - cabinets, pans and bouncy containers.

 He chuckled. It was a low sound, barely there.

 But still.

There was also the quiet sound of Logan moving the books and cups from his table, turning on his computer and typing.

 Also, there were cars passing outside. Cars filled with people and sometimes even pets. There were purring cats and lazy dogs and families out there. Stars and fireflies and kids laughing because their parents finally gave in and bought them ice cream before dinner. There was the wind ruffling someone else's hair, a parrot learning new words and an old couple enjoying a cup of coffee on a low night who could, as well, be found outside.

 There was so much life outside.

 His hand touched his chest and Patton felt his heartbeats and the way his torso would go up and down at every breath. The way the comforter squished under his fingers in a feeling of soft and secure and...

 There was life inside too.

 There was a vivid life in the way Logan put one of their favorite movies, letting the opening to fly unashamed across the room in a silent invitation.

 There was life in the way Patton knew that, the moment he opened the door, the smell of baked goodies would fill his senses and his heart.

 And in the way the stars kept their light and the planets their rotation and meteors continued to fly around that gigantic amount of things we call the Universe, as if nothing else really mattered.

 And...

 And maybe that was true.

 Maybe, while the stars were in the sky, the cats continued to purr, a child kept bothering their parents for a snack and best friends kept caring about you during your bad days...

  Maybe then nothing else mattered.

 Patton pushed the blanket away from him, taking a deep breath. 

 It was much less stuffy outside.

 "Logan." The other turned in his direction immediately, fondly scoffing when he found the other making grabby hands in his direction. A couple of seconds later his hoodie was flying across the room and falling from Patton's awaiting arms, since his skill of catching things was still a work in progress.

 After a few seconds and a couple more, Patton found himself melting on his friend's half hug, watching the movie - which had to be played again from the beginning, since when Patton arrived it was already in the middle of the plot’s clímax, but neither commented on it - and barely jumping on the bean bag when Roman opened the door with no discretion.

 "If that is a sad movie that I hear I will slay you all. Except for you, Patty Cake, I will fight for you." He came in, phone still pressed between his shoulder and ear, his hands too occupied in not letting the bows full of cookies, popcorn, chocolate and a lonely pot of ice cream to fall. He lightly hit Patton's thigh with his foot. "Move, I'm gay."

 "Hi gay, I’m Patton." He chuckled, that time it sounded a bit stronger.

 "We are not eating this absurd amount of sugar." Logan replied, profusely ignoring Patton's pun.

 "Thank you for your input, Microsoft Nerd." Roman answered with a joyful, fake tune, totally unfazed by Logan's half not-amused and half but-also-not-surprised stare. "If you have any complaints in regards to the attendant's service we ask for you to fill a complaint form that will be carefully read by our team, who will do their best to apply the necessary changes in a near future. Roman's company-" a loud gasp cut his words when Logan forcefully grabbed one bowl and took part of the cookies and chocolates inside it. "Hey! This is mine!"

 "No, this is Virgil's. He won't be able to come for our movie night so he asked us to keep some food for him."

 "Do you think if we watch more movies we will be able to wait for him to come back?" Patton questioned.

 "I can't say for certain since I am not sure how long his date will be."

 Roman snorted. "If I taught him well, he is not coming for tonight. Gotta enjoy the-" Patton shoved a cookie on Roman's face, successfully stopping his sentence.

 "Nope!" He smiled, now proceeding to shove a cookie on his own mouth before trying to give Logan the same treatment, pouting when he saw that the other was already munching a sweet, eyeing him warily. He unpaused the movie. "He is my baby brother and I'm not thinking about that!"

 The movie night started quiet. For today, quiet was more than nice to Patton.

 Then, in the part when the protagonist learned that there was magic in her world, Logan grabbed his hand and started to trace lightly, in slow shapes all the way over the lines across his palm, his fingers sometimes traveling to his pulse and forearm in a few swirls before going back to the previous spot. A small, however permanent smile began to gleam on Patton’s face.

 He knew this was going to happen. Logan was one of his first friends who discovered his liking for tickling somewhere on the beginning of their journey to their friendship, as well as how comforting that activity could be for him.

 A faint blush still dotted his cheeks when he thought about that. Today was not an exception, the soft touches made butterflies wiggle their wings in excitement on his tummy, a wobbly tune taking over his smile, especially when he saw Logan’s slight grin at his quiet reactions.

 Patton glued his eyes on the screen, refusing to acknowledge his friend’s antics, which led to a yelp escaping from his barriers when a hand rested on his side, pulling him closer to the half hug and sneaking a couple of pokes on the ticklish spot.

 “You good, Pat?” Roman quirked an eyebrow in his direction and Patton felt his face get hottier, giggles beginning to bubble in his throat when the pokes evolved to a drag of fingers that went up to his ribs and then down, back to his hips, blunt nails spiraling and teasing carefully the sensitive skin. He did his best to not squeal and squirm away.

 “Yes! I aham.” He beamed, trying to dislodge the walking tickles and dissipate the giddy energy spreading across his nerves. “I just really like this sce-eene!”

 Logan hummed innocently under Patton’s pout thrown in his direction, as if didn’t just squeeze his side right when he was talking. “I believe it’s an important scene for the plot, yes.”

  Roman squinted his eyes at the screen. "She's literally just asleep.”

 “Yeah!” Patton giggled, scrunching his nose as he did so. “I think that part is very-” Logan decided that was a very good time to concentrate his efforts on prodding and exploring every single ticklish inch of his right lowest rib, knowing very well each weak spot and wasting not a single effort to put his best friend in stitches. Patton felt his resolve break, uncontrollable titters pouring from his lips. “Funny!” He squealed. “Very, very funny!”

 “Really, can you explain why you think that, please?”

 “Logan!”

 “I am merely curious to understand your concept of humor, Patton.” Logan mused, finally letting go of his hand to attack his sides, making the cat lover to clap his hands on his mouth, hiding the snorts who were trying to fly from his lips. “Maybe I will even start to see why you’re so adamant on making so many puns on your daily basis.”

 Patton shook his head, giving up from trying to not react to his friend’s attack in order to wiggle away from his curious hands and silly scribbly fingers. Sadly, he ended up making the mistake of turning his back to Roman, who, watching the whole ordeal, let a devilish smirk take over his face.

 Before Patton could even protest against Logan’s words, two arms hugged him from bei, hands squirming to rest, in a mock of safety, on his armpits. “Hey, Specs, guess what!”

 “No! Roman!” Patton squeaked, kicking at the feeling of one more attack concentrated on another ticklish spot, crackles beginning to paint his laughter here and there as Roman’s fingers began to tease the skin, his thumbs just barely twitching on the place, fingers clawing at his high ribs. “No, no, please!”

 “Yes, Roman?” Logan answered, using the opportunity to give the other a break and stop his tickling.

 “You know what I realized? That Patty Cake here,” Patton’s giggles only got higher when Roman decided to nuzzle his neck, words coming out muffled as they hit the sensitive skin. “Who has the purest, sweetest dazzling smile, haven’t told us how amazing he is today.”

 “Nonono, please not this! Not this!” Patton turned to Logan, who was the more susceptible and within his field of view. He put the best puppy eyes he could muster through his giggles and uncontrollable titters that still fell from his lips. “Lo-lo,” he pouted in order to give his face a stronger power. Logan stared at him as a deed caught in the light. “Plehehea- nahaha!” A shriek flew from his mouth. “Roman, not fair!”

 Roman smirked, dramatically preparing himself for another raspberry.

 “Don’t even think about using your evil Puppy Eyes on our defenseless Microsoft Nerd!” He drowned Logan’s protest by making Patton shriek with another attack. Peals of loud laughter filled the room when he decided to release smaller raspberries, traveling from one side to other of the cat lover’s neck.

“Anyway,” Logan ruffed, concentrating a sea of squeezes on Patton’s knees as a revenge, relishing in the way his blush travelled over all his face when snorts and squeals began to become more and more frequent. “You were talking about making Patton tell us something?”

“Oh, yeah! I was thinking about being really nice today, since our dear Laffy Taffy Patty looks a bit tired.” As the words came out of his mouth, Roman changed his technique to something softer, watching amused as Patton wiggled non when he decided to drag his fingers on his sides, scribbling them to his chin - and, of course, resting a couple of kisses on his neck, he wasn’t a monster - and them tapping his way down, this time choosing to give a bit of attention to his shaky tummy. “So we could just make him admit something small and simple, really! You won’t even notice when the words come out, dear!” He changed his attention to the victim on his arms, hugging him close and nuzzling him.

“Please! Not there, not there!!” Patton tried to dislodge the other’s tickly affection from his ears and neck, but being constantly distracted by Logan, who kept sneaking horribly, unbearable scratches to the sensitive skin under his knees everytime he stopped trying to pry his hands from his legs. “I wihihill give you my cohohokies! All of them! Plehehease.”

“That is very kind of you, Patton. However, I think it isn’t very polite of you to interrupt Roman like that.” Logan tsked, now letting  go of both his knees to concentrate his efforts in tormenting the weak spots of just one. “Please, I do ask for you to refrain from laughing about such a serious matter. I can almost believe you’re not taking your cheering up as seriously as we are.”

“I am! I am!!”

“Then why are you laughing?”

“Because you-” he snorted, shaking his head and closing his eyes. “You are t-tickling me!”

Logan’s eyes lit up with mischief, a playful wink being thrown at Roman’s direction before he returned his gaze to the previously-sad friend. “I can guarantee you I am not.” 

“Falsehohohood!”

“Very well.” The one with an unicorn onesie lifted his arms, crossing them on his chest just as the other attacker also stopped his tickling. “See? I am not even touching you. And yet you’re still giggling yourself silly as, ah, Roman would say.”

Patton clamped his mouth shut, trying to keep the remainescent giggles trapped on his chest, a slight feeling of dejavu hitting him. He shook his head.

“No? You’re not a Smiley Laffy Taffy, you say?”

“Stop stealing my sweet nicknames!”

Just as the one with a big, truly gigantic smile would shake his head again, his giggling actually being subdued, Roman decided that was just the perfect moment to vibrate his hands on his lower stomach, his barrier crumbling, again, in a matter of seconds.

“Roman!”

“I see.” Logan mused, in between Patton’s high pitched squeaks when the other failed to cease his attack. “So, you're a serious case of Giggle Bug.”

“Am not!” He cried in protest, holding Roman’s pulse, not really trying to push it away.

“Oh, no!” Roman dramatically cried, fishing more laughter from the puppy lover. “What are we going to do Patton? Are we doomed to hear your cute, amazing giggly giggles and delightful laughter forever and ever and ever? What shall we do, Specs?”

Logan sighs, deep and serious, adjusting his glasses. “I fear there is nothing we can do except mitigate this unfortunate situation. As you can see…” Logan poked Patton’s torso, prodding some of the most ticklish ribs with a tiny, soft smile when the other bounced around, happy yelps pouring from his lips. He cleaned his throat, going back to the character. “This ribcage is full of all sorts of trapped squeals, snorts, squeaks, titters and giggles. As Patton’s friends, we must free them all to help him.”

“Crofters!” Patton suddenly blurted out, his laughter almost making the words untelligible. “I will tell you where Ro-ro keeps his Crof-nahahaha!” Patton squirmed when Roman kneaded his hips, a mischief glint still present on his smile. “Rohohoman!”

“Dishonesty! Trickery! Treason!” The one with red pajamas protested with a betrayed shriek. “Patton! After all the adventures we had gone through, after accepting you in my family as a brother, how could you do that to me? Oh, jail for friend! Jail for the Giggle Bug for one thousand of years!”

“I am sorry! I am very sahahaharrey!” Patton’s eyes widened when he saw Roman form a claw with his both hands, slowly descending them to his belly. “Waitwaitwait! Ro! Ro-ro! Ple-please!”

“No can do, Patty Cake.” Roman sighed in faux sadness, wiggling his fingers for a good effect. “Now I have no alternative except having to getcha, getcha, getcha! Your yummy tummy is all mine, now. ~”

But then nothing happened.

Roman’s hands stopped, leaving a puddle of giggly Patton to basically melt more in his embrace, lost in titters and phantom tickles.

“Oh,” Roman said, carefully, the tune of his voice making a shiver run across Logan’s spine. “Hello, Logan.”

Logan accepted his fate, trying another experimental squeeze at the dramatic friend’s side and receiving, just like his first try a few seconds ago, no reaction. He sighed. “I presume you’re not ticklish on your sides, then.”

“And I presume it just takes the mention of Crofters to make you turn the tables.” Roman gave Patton a last quick kiss on his neck, gaining another happy giggle before ruffling his hair. “Excuse me, Giggly Bug, it seems like our dear Blushy Bear is craving for a bit of my tickly attention right now.”

Patton hugged his sides, smile shiny as the sun, the clouds which previously assaulted him haven been already disappeared for a long time, now. His gleaming eyes glued on Logan, smile widening when he remembered he was the one who started everything.

“Get him, Ro-ro!”

And, as pleas and teases felt the air, Patton took another deep breath, letting his friends have some fun before he turned the tables at Roman, since he also deserved some good, nice tickles for being such a caring friend. Soon enough Logan’s laughter rang across the room and Patton only smiled wider.

Full of life, indeed.

[bloodied-teardrops]

Anon

Your HCs dragged me back into Obey Me, punched me through Genshin Hell, and finally kicked me deep into Twst Inferno. Thank you for the premium-tier content, I love them so much. 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 Also, may we please have your headcanons/thoughts on a YanTwst scenario?

Consider: The reader manages to get home, but the problem is that the Mirror of Darkness now reflects most of their daily life in their world. The Mirror can still act as a portal, except something seemed to be blocking passage. Which of the Dorm Leaders + Lilia + Crowley + Crewel would be the most determined to snatch reader back? Who enters their Looking Glass world first? Which ones would sabotage/cooperate with each other other?

I AM VERY FLATTERED ANON THANK YOU FOR SUPPLYING ME MY NEW WRITING BATTERY

AND THE VIOLENCE OF YOUR DESCRIPTION OF WHAT MY HCS DID IS AN ACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF WHAT I WOULD ACTUALLY DO IF IT WAS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE

please enjoy yourself anon 🥺

---

As my favorite lawyer on YouTube frequently says, it depends, but we’re going to be assuming they are all attached to you to the same degree and you, dear reader, never had anything beyond friendship with them.

The most determined will either be Azul or Malleus. Why? Because they had nothing.

Azul was alone, striving for perfection on his own, using what he had to take more and more, and still more because it was never enough and then you came along with genuine praise despite seeing him as his worst, how could you even think he wouldn’t come after you? He’ll take everyone’s magic if it means having you again. It doesn’t really matter if you hate him, he’ll become your perfect partner so you’ll have to give in eventually. Especially if he manages to use your own mind against you.

As for Malleus, well, considering how you are his first dear friend outside of his caretaker and guards, how could he not treasure you? He covets you. You are truly one of a kind for treating him like... like... like just another person. Not one of the strongest mages in Twisted Wonderland nor a crown prince, he’s just Malleus to you. With all the power at his fingertips, surely there is nothing that can stand in his way to reach you again.

While Azul and Malleus are probably tied for first, extremely close seconds are Riddle, Vil, and Kalim. They are very much a group with the ideology that if there’s a will, there’s a way. They just don’t have the same... desperation that Azul and Malleus have.

Well, actually, in Kalim’s case, you could say he’s a little ahead of the others in the second place pack. He’s not used to being denied anything. The fact that you’re in another world isn’t going to really stop him. It’s not exactly right of him, but if he throws enough money at a problem, then he’ll surely get his way eventually.

While the rules dictate every part of Riddle's life, he's learned that sometimes, a little flexibility helps. And well, if worlds aren't meant to be traveled, then surely the mirror wouldn't be showing you still. Clearly, it's an indication that the rules need to be updated here.

To Vil, hard work is all he needs and it's not like he has to find you. He just has to remove whatever's blocking his path to you and that is much more manageable than changing people's view of him as a villain. It's something he can track the progress of easily. Maybe it'll take him years, but slow and steady will produce results eventually.

It's not that this last group loves you less or desire you any less than the others, but Leona, Lilia, and Professor Crewel are more accepting of the fact that they might not be able to reach you. That doesn't mean they won't try. But they've also accepted the possibility that they might not get you.

Leona's gotten used to not getting what he wants. But there is a possibility that he could get you back in his arms. Or he could go to your world. He's not too picky. All he has to do is destroy a pesky blockage.

Compared to Malleus who he's probably helping, Lilia is quite calm. Finding the entire situation more entertaining than anything else as he takes care of Malleus while he finds a way to get you back. Or make a way. Lilia knows he doesn't need to do anything with Malleus so desperate to hold you again.

It's not like Professor Crewel doesn't want to see his favorite puppy again. But as an adult, he's had people come in and out of his life so he's accepting of the fact that you've left. That doesn't mean he won't make a few attempts to reach you.

The thing with Idia is... he doesn't have much faith in your desire to be around him again. After all, you went home. He would hate to force you to leave it. But he does miss you. He'll try because everyone else is, but he honestly might sabotage them all instead.

[earnestly-endlessly]

Hey! I hope I'm not bothering you, I just found your blog and I love it sm, and I saw you sometimes do cherik fic recs. Do you have any Canon divergence aus/fix it, preferably after Cuba, that are 30k or longer and have a happy ending? If not thats okay! You don't have to answer this. Have a wonderful day!

Hi anon, thank you so much. I’m happy you both like my blog and my recs. You are certainly not bothering me, and feel free to send me an ask any time. I have plenty of recommendations for you. Some of them diverge a bit from your request because I couldn’t help but recommend them as well. I will put a note on those who diverge from your request. As always, I only recommend fics I have personally read and enjoyed and I sincerely you love them too.

-Canon divergence aus/fix it, post Cuba, 30k or longer, with a happy ending cherik fic recs-

Not Half As Blinding- keire_ke

Summary: Cuban beach AU. Charles discovers that death does, in fact, solve everything.

Lay down beside me (so still and so soft) – C-Gracewood

Summary: A different take on the events of the film.

Rumor Has It – blueink3

Summary: "Did I hear the doorbell earlier?"

"Yeah, but I'd steer clear if I were you. It seemed a little tense. I don't know what's going on, but there's a kid out there who looks freakily like the prof."

Nearly six months after Cuba, Charles' life is turned upside down for the second time. Though he's slowly learning to adapt to the first, he's not sure he can handle the second. Luckily for him, there are a few people out there more than willing to help.

Forward Momentum – AsYouWish

Summary: Six months after Cuba, Charles and Erik find themselves thrown fifty years into the future, where they meet their older selves, the Avengers, and a world that's very different from their own. Faced with the pieces of their broken relationship, an unparalleled adversary, and dealing with Tony Stark on a daily basis, Charles and Erik do their best to adapt while trying to find a way back home -- and to each other.

When an Unstoppable Force Meets an Immovable Optimist – ToriTC198

Summary: "You are always trying to save me, Charles." Erik mused aloud. "Ever since you dove into the ocean and dragged me out. Did it ever occur to you that I might not be worth saving?"

A genuine smile broke out on Charles' face as he brightly answered, "No, my friend, not once. I have every confidence you are well worth saving. But, I never truly believed I could save you. You are not the sort of man who someone saves. The choice to be a better man has always been yours to make and I hold no illusions that I can make that decision for you. I simply have faith that one day you will save yourself. I only hope I am still at your side to witness it."

What if Erik and Charles had been able to find a middle ground in the end?

Take the First Option – ShowMeAHero

Summary: When Erik becomes unbalanced, Emma presents him with three options: go back to Charles for three months and learn to deal with whatever he has going have going on, lose his Brotherhood, or let Emma control his mind.

He really only has one choice.

Virtue to Which We Aspire – varlovian

Summary: Nine months after Cuba, Charles is found by Erik's Brotherhood in the smoldering ruins of an abandoned CIA base, exhausted but alive. As the only known survivor of the CIA's vendetta against mutants, recovering Charles' memory of the incident—which he admits to having forgotten—just became paramount.

But the harder they push, the closer Charles gets to breaking point. When he finally cracks, the X-Men and the Brotherhood will learn the truth, but it comes with a price...

Some doors, once opened, cannot be closed.

Some minds, once broken, will never be the same again.

The Waking of the Red King – rustingroses

Summary: When Charles' heavy injuries on the Cuban beach conspire to leave him in a coma and living in fantasy of his own making, Erik, the man who once threatened to divide the mutant cause, finds himself desperately trying to hold everything together. First of the Red King trilogy.

Wake Up and Smell the Pancakes –  Ayra Sei Ethari

Summary: In one universe, Erik left Charles. In another, he stayed. So what happens when the two Eriks get switched? "At first, Erik thinks he's dreaming. Then he realizes that this is Charles. Who is not paralyzed. And kissing him.

Rage and Serenity – MagickMaker, TheFangedGoblin

Summary: After Charles is shot on the beach, he is rushed to the hospital and paralysis is prevented. Ridden with guilt, Erik finds that he cannot leave him. He helps him heal, and eventually, Charles learns to trust him again. But when they set out to rescue Emma from the CIA and accept her onto their team, tensions rise. Will love keep Erik and Charles together despite their differences?

No Yesterdays on the Road – pocky_slash

Summary: It's been two months since Cuba and things are settling down for Charles, Erik, and the beginnings of their mutant school. Right up until Charles disappears, that is. Faced with the possibility that a bitter Emma Frost has kidnapped Charles, Erik is forced to team up with Moira to hunt down the remainder of the Hellfire Club. From there, they hope to locate Frost and retrieve Charles, without killing each other along the way.

(Or: Erik and Moira Drive Across the Country and Talk About Their Feelings.)

What Can We Do Without You? – SwoopSwoop

Summary: Charles and the boys were holding onto a secret more dear to them than their own lives when Charles disappears into the night; Erik is betrayed and finds himself returning to Westchester in the hopes that the government was just trying to trick him. All the while the boys are stuck in the middle, left guarding the secret from the man they are most afraid of finding out who is weaselling his way back into their lives alarmingly easily.

Note: Includes Mpreg, but don’t let that discourage you from reading it because it’s a really great fix-it.

Survival Instinct – Lindstorm

Summary: It’s been months since Charles pulled Erik out of the ocean, and Erik is beginning to wonder how many more times he can choose Charles, and still keep his vow to kill Shaw. Cooperating with the CIA is straining Erik’s patience. When a fact-gathering mission goes wrong and Charles is kidnapped, Erik is left trying to hold their mutant band together while Raven and the rest of them fall apart. No one can foresee how the mutant Charles meets in captivity will challenge all his assumptions about his own power, and twist Charles’ telepathy out of his control. In the race to stop Shaw's nuclear ambitions from coming to fruition, Charles makes a crucial misstep. Erik’s decision between Shaw and Charles takes on unexpected ramifications when [spoiler deleted].

Needles (Series) – Skull_Bearer

Summary: AU where everyone's born Dominant or Submissive

Once a Dominant and Submissive pair is born, they are linked to each other, no matter how far apart they are. This link doesn't actually tell the Dom or the Sub each other's thoughts, but it does allow them to know how the other's doing and serves as a reassurance that there's someone meant for them out there.

Another one of the reasons that Erik hates Shaw so badly is because Shaw managed to break Erik's link to his Sub. Now Erik doesn't even know if his Sub's alive because breaking a link like that can kill a Submissive.

Meanwhile, Charles hates himself for not yet having telepathy strong enough to contact and help his Dom, especially after feeling the pain his Dom was forced to go through. He truly believes that his Dominant is dead. Hopes it, some nights when he remembers how his Dom was forced to suffer. It's better than to think of his Dom still being forced to bear that pain.

And then Charles pulls Erik from the water

Time to Grow – zarah5

Summary: In which you'll find chess dates which aren't dates (or maybe Charles is wrong about that). -- Based on First Class, this turns (slightly) AU during the beach scene.

Note: This fic is less than 30k words but it’s such a fandom classic and just a great read if you love your fix-its.

Faults for Fixing – beren

Summary: Charles sees the events of the missile crisis and subsequent weeks when he uses Cerebro to touch the mind of a mutant with the power to see the near future. When he wakes up he is determined that he will not allow them to happen and he will not lose the people he loves.

Note: A bit less than 30k words long but another great read.

It’s like one of us woke up – kaydeefalls

Summary: "You came here for me," Charles said, meeting Shaw's gaze levelly. "So let's not waste any more time."

Canon!AU in which Charles and Erik do find Shaw in Russia.

Note: XMFC fix it, but the events in Cuba don’t happen. 

Afterlife – Anna (arctic_grey)

Summary: A year after Washington, Erik wakes up in excruciating pain as sudden awareness washes over him: Charles is dead. Erik has to adjust to yet another future: no extinction, just a world without Charles. But the death of his former friend leaves Erik weak and his powers drained. His quest for answers leads him back to Westchester, where Erik has to face his past with Charles and put together the puzzle pieces of what happened to the man he once cared for.

The Burdens We Long to Carry – arcapelago (arcanewinter)

Summary: When mutant-supporter and ally President Kennedy is assassinated and all pro-mutant progress is dismantled, Charles is no longer so confident that he's on the right side, and extends his hand to Erik after a year of animosity. They settle tentatively into their old partnership, but not everything is the same as it was--and not everything can be. When Hank develops a metal frame to move the lower half of Charles' body for him if he wants it, Erik offers the use of his mind and his ability in order to make it work. Both find out what they're willing to do for each other, and neither knows if it'll be enough to keep them together.

Other Futures Than These – midrashic

Summary: In which Cuba doesn't break them apart, but that doesn't mean that their futures are tied together. (Except that it does.)

A Days of Future Past AU where only one person can defeat the Sentinels and save the future: the man whose imprisonment and torture created them, and Charles Xavier's ex.

The Winter of Banked Fires – Yahtzee

Summary: Charles Xavier has returned from the dead -- but is lost within his own mind. Rogue has cast aside her own power and doesn't know where she fits in the world any longer. The production of synthetic Cure means mutantkind itself is newly at risk. And Magneto, turned human against his will, is in despair until the day he feels a familiar consciousness tugging at his own --

Set after X-3 (with much desperate fix-it applied), during XMFC, and every time in between.

[accio-victuuri]

Hi can you provide the link to read manhuas you prefer?

Hello Anon! OMG Manhua/Manhwa Rec! Here we go! I’ve only been reading for 2-3 months (consistently), so this will be pretty limited. I will link to the legit sites. A google search will direct you to others.

Most of these are WIPs and some, sadly, are discontinued. I won’t add TGCF or MDZS here cause those are already a given. 👇🏼

• Body Electric by Dong Ye ( completed, supernatural, lots of trigger warnings and plotty )

Ba Song is the hotshot cop who’s been handed an open-and-shut case: the suicide of a young woman. Except… who commits suicide by stabbing their own body and strangling themself? There's only one man who can help him with this mystery — Bo Shan, the renowned forensic pathologist with a severe and cold personality. What's more, his body produces bioelectricity, allowing him to acutely sense bodily injury with his touch. There's an electric current between them, and each touch sizzles with energy

If you like crime dramas and stories where they solve mysterious cases then this is for you. The romance is subtle, and their relationship is not insta-love. strangers to colleagues to friends to lovers trope. This also discusses alot of issues the society has that will make you stop and think. Ba Song is really the honorable MC in here who always wants to help people and do good. While Bo Shan is the reluctant one but deep inside, he wants to make a difference too. I wish they would make a donghua or live action out of this.

• 30 year old by S-Monkey - ( ongoing, age difference, blind dates, slice of life)

Charlie Wei is a single and handsome executive. He’s also a closeted gay guy who’s been on way too many bad blind dates with women. Charlie’s still hung up on his ex-boyfriend James and is… gasp, 30! Charlie’s family thinks he’s straight and too old to be without a wife! During another bad blind date, Charlie meets the flirty Ethan, who both annoys and intrigues him. Can Charlie finally come out and find true love with Ethan or will he continue on his streak of bad blind dates?

The cover looks melodramatic but it’s really not. This is so funny! I read this because people were saying it reminded them of BoXiao. And yes, there are moments here that remind me of them, but it’s more like an AU of BoXiao. I stayed up late trying to get caught up in the chapters and you won’t realize it cause it’s just that good. I love seeing the older MC loosening up and being more of himself. and the younger one being more responsible in his career. They just become better versions of themselves because of each other. It’s so sweet!

• I ship me and my Rival - by Pepa ( ongoing, comedy, reads like a meta )

This follows the adventures of Wei Yanzi, a third-rate actor in the Chinese entertainment industry, stumbles onto a shipping fandom for himself and another actor (Gu Yiliang) while trying to escape from the flame wars and negativity. He's so taken with this group of fans who actually see him as a good guy instead of an enemy/rival of Gu Yiliang that he falls head-first into fandom and becomes actively involved in trying to provide shipping fuel and the fans' daily dose of fluff.

IF THERE IS ONE thing you will read here, let it be this. It is hilarious. If you are a CP fan you will relate so much and it’s a good time. It just shows how people who think are rivals can actually be really good friends in real life. What we see is not always what it seems. and people will interpret things based on their bias. The MC here is so dramatic! how his inner feelings/reactions were drawn will make you laugh.

• Path to You - by Sinran (completed, slice of life, age gap fluff and comedy )

When almost college dropout Jensen attempts to drink away his problems, unemployed Nathaniel suddenly pukes on him and ruins his night. As an apology, Nathaniel offers to help Jensen with his studies. Despite Jensen's difficulties in getting along with people, the two become friends and something deeper begins to grow between them

The story is so soft. If you want something with mild angst/misunderstandings— then pick this. I love the progression of their relationship and how they take care of each other. There are other themes showed here other than the romance.

• Red Candy - by Hanse (completed season one with a cliffhanger, explicit scenes, assassins )

Shihyeon, aka “Red Candy,” is a secret agent whose code name comes from bathing in the blood of his marks on dangerous missions. Shihyeon’s tasked with seducing and obtaining intel from Hajun, a hot college professor. Shihyeon can disarm enemies, but didn’t expect to be disarmed himself by Hajun’s own tight body. Now Shihyeon’s caught between loyalty to his spy agency and Hajun. Can Red Candy survive the incoming wave of enemies and still indulge in the sweet ecstasy of Hajun’s embrace?

THIS STRESSED ME OUT MAAAN. Wow. I loved this. That season one cliffhanger. It’s definitely up there as my favorite. If you think about it, the tropes are really not original. An assassin is sent to shadow a person and they develop a relationship. That simple. But NOOOOO! There are so many things going on. The Main mystery plot, Their relationship, their shared past plus you have other sketchy secondary characters. And did i mention explicit scenes? Lots of them. I want this two to have a happy ending!!!

• Lone Swan - by Chu Man (discontinued, cultivation, star crossed lovers)

After losing his memory, Yiqiu Shen, a disciple from the decent sect meets a very special man named Luofeng Yan, who is the leader of the evil Divine Wind Cult. When escaping and conflicting with Yan, Shen gradually finds his original self as well as his previous love back. Together they rip off the facade of the martial world and reveal the hidden true

I didn’t want to add a discontinued story here, with no novel as a source material but this one made an impact on me. so. yeah. THE ART. breathtaking. The plot = layered. There are times I don’t even know who is telling the truth. It had so much potential and i hope it will get picked up again at some point. People rec this to those who enjoyed TGCF and MDZS, and they are right. 👍🏼

• Dragon in Distress by Si Wang Wen Hua - ( ongoing, dragons, past life, lost power, fantasy )

This is a story about a little Eastern green dragon and a little Western black dragon playing together.

The synopsis is pretty simple if you look at it but this one is pretty interesting. and surprisingly funny. tinie AoAo is so cute! 🤍 the other MC has tsundere tendencies tho. Lots of lore and more truths to uncover as the story progresses. I’m not giving it enough justice with how i’m reccing it, but if you like dragons and fantasy — give this a go.

• Breaking through the clouds 2: Swallow the Sea - Huaishang (ongoing, based on a novel, crime, drama, cases)

Wu Yu, a newcomer of the Public Security Bureau, is gentle and frail. He doesn’t care about the difficulties posed by Bu ZhongHua, his strict boss, and only wants to stay in the background to be paid on time with enough for food. However, no one knows that this young man’s head is targeted by top drug traffickers for a large bounty or that this courageous young man has once slaughtered the dragon of the abyss. With a chain of interlocking cases, a series of troubles come one after another. Can the two people work together to survive through the difficulties?

Do you see a pattern with me? lol. I like crime themes. This one is the same and by the looks of it, the cases they solve will take longer to unravel. I haven’t read the novel it’s based on yet so i’m just going with how the manhua is progressing. I like it when Wu Yu turns full on action-mode and when ZH takes care of him. Plus it helps that they are both gorgeous. I’ll get back this with a proper link.

• Where the Wind Stays - by Yusa (completed season one, curses, demons, possession, timeskip, explicit scenes)

To break an ancient curse that plagues the royal bloodline, young Prince Tasara is destined to be sacrificed in death. Nara is enlisted as a palace servant to carry out the prince’s execution when the time comes. But he develops a soft spot for the cursed prince, and after committing an atrocious and unforgivable act against Tasara, Nara is desperate to right his wrongs. Soon, their lascivious relationship that had been kept under wraps tests his resolve. Will Nara be tempted away from his original mission? There’s no telling how far he would go to earn Tasara’s forgiveness.

This story broke my brain, in a good way. I don’t wanna say much cause it will spoil the story. It’s the type that you gave to see and suffer through yourself. I am excited for what happens in season II!!!

Honorable Mentions:

I’m placing these here cause I have only read a few chapters and tho I liked them, I wanna read more before reccing it in full. 👍🏼

• I accidentally saved the Jinghu’s enemy

• Global Examination

• Monster entertainment

• Demon Apartment

And that’s it! Hope enjoy Anon! 😊