#i am too tired and have felt too many emotions today to be anxious about it tbh

[achilles-invulnerable-heel]

Wow. Yeah okay. Fuck it we ball?

[lokisprettygirl]

Under his influence (Post Avengers! Loki x female reader)

Read chapter 11 here // Series Masterlist

Chapter 12

Summary : Your relationship with Loki is growing, your mom tries to play a matchmaker again.

Warning: 18+, Soft Smut, mention of psychological torture, angst, insecurities, self deprecating behaviour, anxiety and overwhelming emotions

"Captain? " Loki called out for Steve as he was about to step out of the training room so he turned around and looked at Loki "May I have a word with you?"

"What is it?" Steve crossed his arms as he questioned.

"I wanted to discuss that statement you gave about me, that I was pretending to be you to steal the scepter" Steve chuckled as loki said that,

"Loki loki, everything is out in the open now, you can drop the act and your lies..it was probably something you did before you disappeared" Steve turned around to leave again

"But what if I'm not lying? What if I wasn't there? What if it wasn't me? Steve halted in his steps as he thought about it "Give it a thought"

Loki walked out , leaving Rogers to contemplate over his words. How could it be possible? He saw the exact doppelganger of him and only loki had the ability to do that. The doppleganger did seem a little different though.

Loki was supposed to be at some gala with other Avengers in the evening and the thought saddened you, mainly because you knew you probably won't see him tonight and you had seen him just twice in the last week, and he was also taking Melisaa to the gala so there were plenty of reasons to keep you anxious throughout the day. You knew he wasn't interested in her but there will be other women there, it was a fancy Gala and all famous rich people were invited, what if he meets someone interesting and they hit it off? What if he realizes that you weren't the best thing he could do in midgard.

Was it too soon to show him your crazy side yet? It's been almost five months since you had met him but it already felt like a lifetime, you have never had a man who made you feel so fulfilled and you didn't even have sex yet. He had so much more to offer to you than just sex, he understood you and your neediness but that could get tiring with time. That's what drove so many guys away from you because you showed them your crazy side too early.

You sat down on the sofa after work and turned the tv on, there was a red carpet and everything. You watched these people and you couldn't relate, you could never imagine yourself to ever be a part of such a circle. However Loki fit in just fine, he was a prince and it showed, his upbringing made it easier for him to blend with those pretentious people, watching him with Melissa hanging around in his arm only made you feel worse. He had a black suit on and he looked handsomer beyond this realm.

"Loki, a quick question..who are you wearing?" The girl interviewing all the celebs asked him and he seemed perplexed.

"Uhhh who am I wearing?" He looked at her confused so Melissa answered on his behalf, the furrowed brows and pursed lips made you want to hug him instantly.

"God you're cute" you whined to yourself, you felt extremely hormonal today, maybe you were pmsing again.

'You're such an embarassement" Melissa whispered in his ear so he glared at her, why would they even ask such a stupid question? What was he supposed to say?

He wished you were here with him, you probably would have found him cute even when he was fumbling like a fool. As soon as they got inside the venue he let go of her hand to get away from her.

"So that's the girl he was staying with for months before you guys captured him again?" Pepper asked Tony so he looked at her for a few seconds before he spoke,

"Yeahh whhy? Isn't she perfect for him?"

"Is she? I mean they're not even talking to each other, look at him" Pepper said to him so he looked at Loki "He'd rather spend his time at the bar then be with her, they look so in love in interviews and stuff" Tony squeezed his eyes as she said that.

"Yeah may be the relationship has run its course"

She looked at him confused and then she shrugged. Her curiosity has been peaked though.

"Brother, when all these people are inebriated I can drop you off to see lady y/n' Loki gave him a side eye as Thor approached him with the proposal.

"Alright, what am I missing here? What is the catch?"

"Catch?"

"Motive, you must have a motive, you are not helping me because of the goodness of your heart are you? Where do you go?" Thor was taken aback by the sudden scrutiny.

"I'm appalled brother, is this what I get for reuniting you with the love of your life? Must it be this difficult for you to believe that I want your happiness?" Thor retorted.

"Hahaha, I laughed, now tell me the truth, who are you seeing? Oh is it the mortal you were besotted with?" Loki asked him again.

"I am not seeing Jane.. absolutely not"

"That is fabulous, Asgard's first man in the line of throne is courting a mortal, what is mother's opinion about that?" Thor sighed, there was no denying it any longer.

"She doesn't know yet and she can not know and for the love of norns lower your voice"

"Oh I'm just overjoyed brother, mother might be unaware of your insolent behaviour but do you really think the loyal snitch would stay quiet for long?"

"Yes he will, Heimdall gave me his word" Loki rolled his eyes as he heard that.

"Oh I forgot he was the royal snitch of Odin, Frigga and Thor"

"Well perhaps he might have been fond of you if you hadn't played those countless tricks on him as a child" Loki scoffed at the insult.

"Yes, a child, I was a child"

"You froze him merely a few years ago"

"He commited treason "

Thor rolled his eyes at the comment but what Loki said next pleased him "Whatever your hidden motive might be, I'm still grateful so–"

"Are you trying to tell me you appreciate my help?"

"Yes"

"Well I appreciate your appreciation "

Loki shook his head before he smiled.

Your phone was ringing so you picked it up hoping that it was Loki, unfortunately it wasn't him but your mother instead..

"Hey mom"

"Hi, listen, remember David's best man Eugene?"

"Gee mom I'm good, how are you?" She groaned at the response before she asked you the same question again.

"Can't say that I do"

"Okay whatever" She sighed deeply before she spoke again "His son is going to be in Minnesota for two days, I'm going to send you his phone number, talk to him" the anxiety rose as she mentioned one more guy she wanted to set you up with.

"What? Isn't he like 40??" You screamed as if you weren't canoodling a guy who was forty plus an extra thousand years.

"He's 35 y/n, he's a doctor and well reputed, you're not some 20 year old yourself, just do me a favor and meet him once"

"Mom I'm not going to do that, I'm seeing someone" you said to her, hoping she'd respect that and would realise that you were fucking 30.

"Yeah who is it? Who are you seeing?"

"God"

You could feel your mother's eyes rolling at the quip, but you weren't lying to her.

"Just show him around, if nothing..you can atleast be friends with him, are you against that as well now?"

You groaned as she continued to be insufferable about it so you agreed to see this man, after all he'd only be there for two days.

"Fine I'll show him around"

You hung up the phone and sighed, this wasn't what you needed, it was like a cherry on the top of a perfect day. You opened YouTube and saw several videos about the stupid gala, you just wanted to see what people were saying about the new IT couple Meloki as they liked to call them affectionately. You stumbled upon a video that showed their relationship timeline from the moment they met. Wow some people really had way too much time on their hands to be so invested like this. You read the comments and some of them made you laugh while others made you feel even worse,

You put the phone down in order to not hurt yourself any more.

You felt horrible at the moment and every time such feelings occurred you felt overwhelmed by the whirlpool of emotions. You were in love with him and he had become the best friend you had always wanted in your life, someone who wouldn't use you and deceive you for selfish purposes, there was a genuine affection from his side that you always felt whenever he was around you but then you have had such friends before, you had those people who cared at first but now they didn't even know whether you were alive or dead.

Sometimes it was who had to cut them off because they couldn't stop hurting you but that didn't mean that you came out unscathed, it still hurt, the memories hurt, the promises hurt, the loss of friendship hurt.

You laid down on the bed and cried your heart out, you spent a month where you couldn't get in touch with Loki and those days were damaging, you didn't think you'd be able to go through that pain again. It was easier to move on when the people you considered your friends had hurt you but losing Loki? You didn't think you'd ever survive losing the way he cared about you, you couldn't imagine seeing a day where you two would be nothing but strangers to each other.

It was starting to get harder to breathe, your own overthinking was driving you into panic, you stuffed your face between the pillow as you cried and cried. In that moment you just wanted to talk to him and have him tell you that he won't hurt you or leave you like others did.

When you heard the knocks on the window just a few seconds later for a second you thought you had imagined it but then you looked at the window and there he was smiling so innocently so you got up, wiped your face as best as you could and walked towards the window to open it so he could get in, he had a dark green shirt on and a black trouser, you could see his long hair waving because of the wind,

"Hiiii" you mumbled as you opened the window but before he could climb in he grabbed your chin and pulled you in to kiss you softly before he let go "Ummm i thought you were not coming tonight"

"I was missing you darling" you nodded and stepped back so he could get in, he noticed you had his shirt on that he had left there or in other words the shirt you had stolen from him.

"Are you okay..you seem..were you crying?" You shook your head as you turned around, you didn't want to snap in front of him.

Before you could get away he grabbed your arm around turned you towards him, he hugged you briefly before he pulled away and grabbed your chin to make you look at him

"Now tell me what's wrong and this time I don't want you to lie to me" he asked, his voice was tender and sweet.

"Nothing..it's nothing…I was just missing you" you pursed your lips to control your sobs but they came out anyways,

"I was missing you"

"You were?" You sobbed even harder and his eyes teared up too.

"How could I not sweetheart hmm?" He cupped your cheeks, leaned down to kiss you and his thumbs proceeded to wipe your tears simultaneously,

"That's just not it, is it? Something else is eating you up..tell me, share with me" he questioned you but you could only hiccup between your cries. Why were you like this?

"It's ..I don't want to annoy you"

"Annoy me? Did I annoy you that day when I wept like a baby in your arms?"

He questioned you softly so you shook your head, you looked like a child at the moment and it made him smile. He just wanted to take away whatever was bothering you and make you feel better

"I just don't want you to leave because people leave when I'm like this, they don't like me like this" the broken voice and the fear your words held made his heart sink, to learn that people had hurt you so badly in the past that you felt afraid sharing your feelings with him was heartbreaking for him.

"Like what princess? You feel hurt and you just want to be held and comforted, there's nothing wrong with that" the back of his fingers brushed against your cheek as he cooed.

"No???"

"Why would this ever drive me away?"

"I just don't want you to leave " you sobbed even harder so he hugged you and gave you the time to let it all out, he could feel your heart thumping in your chest and he knew this thing has been building up from quite some time now. You both had your insecurities and he wanted to be there for you the way you have been there for him.

"Princess I just need you to know and understand that I'm not going to leave, I'd always need you more than you could ever need me" you pulled away to look at him as he said that. You didn't know why would a god like him would ever need you but you liked the sound of that, mainly because of the look on his face.

"Come here sweet thing" he cupped your cheeks again to kiss your forehead and then he took you to the bed, perhaps cuddles would make you feel better. For once he was the one being the bigger spoon here, he made you lay down on his chest and you held onto him as tightly as you could.

"I was just watching you and Melissa on the tv or should I say Meloki and it just bothered me alot" you mumbled so he laid you down on the bed and turned towards you so he could look at you while talking, he laid sideways on his arm and used those fingers of his to caress your scalp while the other hand wrapped around waist and you felt them running up and down on your back

"Meloki? What is that? An ailment of some sort?" you chuckled as he said that

"It's just not her.. I kept thinking about all those gorgeous people at the gala and I just wanted to be there with you..but at the same time I know I'd never fit in"

"Not fit in? My sweetheart you'd not only fit in but stand out between those shallow dimwits, they are just a bunch of buffoons anyways" you giggled as he said that.

"You're so cute" you scooted closer to him and placed your head between the crook of his neck, your arm curled around his slender waist,

"Someday we will tell this whole planet of our truth and it would be glorious"

"It will be glorious" you said excitedly

"Are you feeling better?"

"Mmmhmmm now that you're here I'm Okay..are you gonna stay?"

"Absolutely, besides Thor is out galavanting with his own mortal"

You pulled away to look at him as he said that.

"Is she the same girl he fell for when he came here?"

"That would be her"

"Ahhhh that's nice..ohhhh your parents are going to kill you both"

"Not me, I'm no Asgardian any longer" he chuckled so you kissed him again. He was so adorable.

"Ummmm I have to tell you something..my mother is trying to set me up with this doctor guy, he's the son of my stepfather's friend " he pulled away slightly to look at you.

"I don't like the sound of that"

"Trust me, me neither, but he's going to be here for two days so I'm just gonna meet him and show him around the city"

"What happened to the don't see other people pact?" He pouted so you pecked on his lips again.

"I'm not going to see him, I'm just going to be a fancy tour guide"

"Uhhuhh but what if he sweeps you off your feet?"

"He can compete but he's never winning against thisssss right here" you pointed towards his heart so he smiled "Mr Loki there are no men like you"

He chuckled before he got on top of you and kissed you, he hated the idea of you going out with this guy he knew nothing about but he couldn't have stopped you either, your mother wanted you to see him and you couldn't have denied, besides from what he had heard your mother hated him so it wasn't really wise to tell her about you two just yet.

"Lokiiiii" you moaned into his mouth so he hummed.

"I have your shirt on"

"You think I didn't notice?"

"Mmhmmm did you notice that I am not wearing much underneath it?" He stopped kissing you and looked at you intently, of course he noticed, you just had your underwear on but he didn't want to say anything that would make you feel uncomfortable.

"I did"

He leaned into you and kissed you again while you pulled his shirt out of the confinement of his pants before you unbuttoned it slowly, he moaned into your mouth as your fingernails caressed his bare skin,

"It amazes me how you are so unaware of your good looks" you whispered in his ear and he let out a nervous laughter, kissing down from your jawline his lips trailed over your collarbone slowly, every inch of your skin felt tingling with anticipation of what was about to happen or how far you both were going to take this.

He shifted on top of you, situating his knees on either side of your waist to support his weight.

"If you're ever burdened by those tormenting misconceptions regarding yourself again just remember that no matter where I am, your thoughts are all I carry in my head" your eyes teared up as he said that.

"Mmmmhmmm really?"

"I couldn't stop thinking about you little one, i just wanted to come back here and love you like this" you gulped as he said that, your fingers curled around his neck and you pulled him closer to you to kiss him passionately,

He wanted to stay patient but how could he when you touched him and kissed him so desperately, he could feel the heat radiating off your body, he never knew that he'd ever come to crave the feeling of a woman's warm body underneath him, he wanted to get burned by the heat you were radiating, the energy that felt torturous in other situations only gave him pleasure at the moment.

His hands sneaked under the shirt you were wearing and you let out a loud moan as his fingers trailed over your erect nipples,

"Looo..gosh babyyyy" you whined and bit on your lips as he gave them a little squeeze,

"I have thought about this a countless times since we have met" he mumbled softly.

"You did?"

"Mmmhmm especially when we were separated, your thoughts were the only thing keeping me sane at nights, in every possible way" he whispered in your ear before he sucked on your neck, you wrapped your legs around his waist , the feeling of his cock rubbing against your core was almost too much to take, your body felt shaky, you have never been the subject of such eroticism before, you only read about it and saw the sweltering passion in movies but now you knew how it felt to be touched so sensually by man you were actually in love with.

"Gossshhh Loki…oh goddd"

You cried out his name as he gyrated his hips into your core, your hand gripped his bicep to feel a sense of security because even though you were on the bed you felt as if you'd fall down even lower and deeper into the grounds, it felt like a trance that you were afraid to break out of.

He grabbed the collar of your shirt between his fists and ripped them apart in one quick motion, breaking all the buttons at once, the subtle flaunt of the inhumane strength only added to your arousal, the things he could do to you and with you and the things you'd allow him to do to you were infinite in number. You'd do anything for him as long as he'd continue to rub against you like this .

He allowed the shredded fabric to stay on your body but your breasts were visible to him now, his cock had gotten so hard that he feared he'd come almost instantly.

"Norns you're beautiful, so beautiful, it's taking everything in me to not claim you as my own" he whispered so you cupped his cheeks,

"I'm all yours i promise..i promise" he kissed you feverishly before he grabbed your hips and aided them to match his own movements,

"You are mine darling and I'll never let you go, never"

"Yessss godd yess stay with me, be with me, all of you..with me, I need it lo, I need it"

Your voice trembled as you spoke, words barely audible but he heard them when you whispered everything in his ears, the day he had met you he felt so strangely connected to you and with time he had only fallen in love with every little thing about you that made you so completely you.

"Lokiii I'm gonna…oh wowww" you moaned his name and he couldn't take his eyes off your face, the dimly lit room made the moment even more perfect. He could see you, touch you, you were half naked underneath him but there was still a sense of mystery.

"I know, i know love, let go, cum with me"

You didn't need anything else, it worked like a charm, a trigger, him asking you to cum in that deep husky breathy voice of his was the only push you needed, the hold of your legs around him tightened and your body convulsed underneath him, if he wasn't holding onto you so fiercely your body would have thrashed uncontrollably, maybe someday he could watch you do just that..

You lifted your hips up and gyrated against him in the wake of your high, that made him combust too and it was glorious in every way, he had sex a million times before but he had never been so pleased like this, it wasn't the orgasm itself but the woman who was pleasing him beyond belief.

He placed his head down on your breasts to calm down, your fingers scratched his scalp gently, both of your bodies felt utterly spent.

After a few minutes he laid down next to you so he wasn't crushing you underneath his weight. You turned towards him and gave him a smile which he returned immediately.

"So now we are friends who kiss sometimes, don't see other people and do Thattttt" he chuckled as you said that

"Princess at this point it's safe to say that we are friends who are also lovers"

"I love being your lover"

"So do I"

You kissed him lovingly before you got off the bed to clean yourself up but he was too relaxed to even move a muscle so he used a charm to take care of the mess he had caused in his pants, when you came back from the bathroom he was in a fresh pair of pants.

You didn't remember much after that because as soon as you got back to the bed, he spooned into you like a baby and it merely took a minute for you two to fall asleep.

He woke you up around five in the morning because he knew Thor would be there to take him back to the tower and he wanted to spend some time with you before he would leave.

You kissed him again and you kissed him in a manner that would keep him obsessing over it for the rest of the day

"Don't fall in love with this healer"

"And if I do?" You mumbled teasingly

"I would just have to murder him I'm afraid"

You giggled at the response. He did enjoy stabbing bad people. You fixed the collar of his shirt and his hair seemed all poofy so you made him sit down at the edge of the bed while you brushed them with a comb.

"You have the softest hair lo..such a pretty baby you are" he giggled at the comment. God you loved him.

You missed him as soon as he was gone and now you had to worry about meeting this guy after work, your mother had given you his phone number so you called him, you didn't understand why he wasn't the one to call you since he was visiting. Just the phone call was enough of an indication that you weren't going to get along with this man. He sounded arrogant

"I'm sorry I'm late" you apologized as you spotted him at the restaurant, your mom had mailed a picture of him to you so it was easier to recognise.

"It's fine I guess, I'm used to such tardiness" he smiled but you could tell he was annoyed, you didn't miss the sarcasm in his tone.

"Ummm okay actually I don't think I got your name yet, my mom told me everything except your name, I'm y/n by the way" you raised your hand forward so he looked at it for a few seconds before he shook it.

"Hello y/n, my name is Doctor Stephen Strange"

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

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[ener-chi]

My heart is full. So full. I have so much to talk about. I don't even know where to begin.

Everything has been coming together for me. School ended, and with summer break here I'm less stressed and have more time and energy. I've been making progress on my own and with my counselors help re: my anxiety. I started taking an additional herb for my liver qi. And changes from the estrogen have been hitting me really hard.

All of that together... I've never felt so good and happy in my life. I am... getting out, meeting new people, doing things I would've been too afraid to do, getting out and doing things that make me feel anxious and scared and doing them anyways. I am feeling my emotions, and every day I am getting better and better at managing and regulating them.

I am FEELING though. Like the liver qi herbs are helping my qi/emotions/thoughts flow more freely and smoothly. The estrogen is giving me a wider berth of emotions than I had before. With both... I find myself feeling more, just in general. I also find myself feeling more happy and sentinmental and touched and loving than I ever have before.

My physical changes have been popping off, and I've been dressing more and more fem every day, and it makes me feel sooo good and happy.

I've been getting into the community!! I've always been kind of a lone wolf, which I recognized came from a place of fear and trauma. I've been connecting with people and making friends. I also am starting to make myself more available and open to the community in general, which I think is really important as a healer. I will probably do something similar here on my blog as well.

I'm spending more time and energy on things that I actually love and care about, instead of things that distract me. And I find myself wanting to DO THINGS in the real world. Going out, experiencing new things, meeting people, doing things.

I went to my first pride event today!! It was a non-corporate pride, and it was actually perfect for me - super lowkey, not an overwhelming amount of people, in a beautiful park.

And there were just SOOOO many queer people. I've never been around so many queer people in my life. I felt so safe and so happy and so... connected. To the queer community, but also the world in general.

This past year has been... absolutely brutal. But it has been necessary. I have had so many old patterns and habits and things buried and just... so much stuff that I needed to let go. I see now that I could've never been happy with how I was. And I recognize that I still have a long way to go. But I'm happier now than I've ever been.

I have more to talk about but I am so tired I am having a hard time thinking straight. I will say one more thing though...

I am... i understand. Now. My place in everything. In this world, this universe, this energy. I am here... to experience. To live. To love. To connect. And with connection comes growth... healing... love... ascension.

I will share more another time. I hope everyone has a good night!

Blessings!

[the-mess-of-a-dreamerrr]

October 22nd, 2023

I was super anxious today and I went back and read the short stories that he sent me a while ago. It’s too hard to read his letters after he admitted that I was right about his emotions so I thought his short stories would be a safer place for my mind to rest.

I reread “thoughts amongst the clouds.” I love his writing. Whenever I read something he wrote I can almost picture the wheels in his head turning. I love picturing him in thought getting excited as a plot is beginning to take shape in his mind. If I’m honest I also just like picturing him. Even if it’s painful.

I thought the story was very fitting for me right now. No, I am not going to war (praise the Lord I’m too old for the new female draft) but I am fighting a battle in my mind. I think my jumping out of the plane moment occurs everyday that I choose to keep going despite how I know my experiences my alter my brain chemistry, despite how scary every step makes me.

This year I think is the worst year of my life. And it’s so sad to say that because it’s also the year that so many dreams have taken shape. But I guess that’s the thing that has caused me to question life the most. What’s the point of anything I do? What’s the meaning behind anything I have ever done? It all ends with me staring at the wall sitting in bed alone. No notifications on my phone or anyone wanting to share time and space with me…except Mac. God bless my dog. But it’s been this way my whole life. I still remember being 15 sitting on my bed staring at my yellow wall sitting with the knowledge that I was alone and wishing that one day it would be different. I’ve strived so hard. I’ve poured myself out to friends, family, work, school, my marriage, church anything that could possibly make me feel like I belong only to find I don’t belong anywhere. No where but my bed, alone.

I’m more than ready to meet my son but I’m also aware that being a mom is going to be hard for me. It’s easy for me to get lost in feeling needed. My whole life that has been how I’ve felt temporary joy. It’s the only time people seem to care. Is when they need me. And this baby will need me literally to sustain his life but I need to remember that this is not my identity. He is not my only reason for life. Do I know what that reason is? Absolutely freaking not. I mean the Sunday school answer is to bring God Glory…but then again the Bible doesn’t promise happiness in life but rather suffering. So maybe this *IS* what my life is supposed to be like? I pray there is more for me than this because I’m so tired.

I miss knowing that he isn’t going to be excitedly sharing his creations with me. I miss knowing someone cares what I think.

-MV

[blahandwhatever]

Days have been messy mixed bags.

Friday I finally finished my long project and felt the freedom that followed, but I started and spent the day tired, woken up many times in the morning by banging beyond the wall that earplugs couldn't drown out, and ended it hot and uncomfortable, as the air conditioning stopped working at night.

By Saturday the AC worked again, and I planned to spend the day chilling and cleaning and shopping, but my father texted me. He texted me around noon initially, but I didn't check my messages until four because I wanted to take my time with guaranteed peace. He said he was grilling some steak, asked if I wanted to come and have some and see my brother before he left for college next week. Followed up later saying he'd be gone after four, and I could come then if I wanted to. I said I would see. It was a little jarring, this out-of-nowhere thing with zero acknowledgement of the elephant in the room. He'd never replied to my email or my reply to his message last week, never acknowledged anything about the situation with my mother. Hadn't seen or talked to me for many weeks prior, since I visited for Father's Day, an unusual length of time for him to go without saying anything. And I didn't mind that. But this felt odd.

Annoyed by the sudden change of plans, I went anyway - he really seemed to want me to have that steak, and I was going to have to go say goodbye to my brother at some point anyway; I just hadn't realized he was leaving so soon. I was a little anxious and a little out of it. I hoped I wouldn't see my father. My brother would be leaving for his friend's house in a while, so I wouldn't stay long anyway.

My father wasn't home when I got there - but he did come soon after. He acted, more or less, like everything was normal. Showed me the food and stuff. Got something and left again. I was glad not to have to deal with any difficult conversations but disoriented by the emotional dishonesty, as many times as I'd seen it from him before.

I spent a bit of time with my brother, feeling, as I often do, like the only one making an effort, but I had to try in any case. I gave the dog lots of pets, took some food my mother (who was working) had saved me in the freezer, took a look around the late-summer yard, and got going. I dropped off my frozen stuff at home, went to a couple of stores for some essentials, and tried to wind down the rest of the night, though feelings still swirled around my father and brother.

Sunday, my father sent me some money he hoped would be helpful in hard times. Wasn't sure if he meant the emotionally hard times or was aware of my financial situation - or if it was more hypothetical. Hoped he wasn't trying to win my favor or something. Though I was confused, I thanked him and didn't engage further. Couldn't deny it was helpful. I used it to pay my past due electric bill, reinstate my car insurance, load up on groceries, and gleefully do some clothes shopping for the first time in a while - it was only some cheap stuff at Target, but still. Other than that, I mostly just wanted to relax at home. Wasn't too nice out anyway. Feelings and thoughts were still too colored by family.

Yesterday I felt weird and got a random nosebleed for the first time in decades. Thankfully it was over the bathroom sink. I assume it wasn't anything serious, though suddenly gushing blood sure can bring the 'oh no am I falling apart is this it' feeling for a moment. I wondered if I was getting sick, though I was also on my period, which can stir up all kinds of fuckery, and I'd slipped a bit again with my iron supplementation schedule. Again I let myself take it easy, aside from a couple of chores. Work was in a lull as I awaited my next project from the new job, and I could afford a break from surveys.

Today I slept looooooong. It was clearly needed but derailed some of my plans. Oh well - they could wait another day. I did get sushi for the first time in forever and made what I could of the short day.

Two of my balcony flowers that were doing well have kind of died. I don't know if it's because I watered them less for a few days - I'd found my other flowers had done better with less water, so I wanted to see if these would too. :/ I'm glad I at least got to enjoy them for a while. Still did better overall with flowers than in previous years.

Also better than previous years is the bug situation, which, aside from flies, has been surprisingly tame this summer. Maybe it really does have a lot to do with cleanliness. I've gotten better at staying on top of that, especially in the kitchen, though I'm still far from where I should be.

The days are getting shorter, and the bittersweetness of the end of summer is setting in. I still want so much more sunshine, so much more nature while it's alive.

[immaculating]

I'm so sorry for putting Tumblr back in its peak era, but i have to.

For me, at least. But maybe you can take something from this too.

We all went through something super dramatic and came out different in one way or another. Some people changed for the better, some people for the worst. A lot of people cam out of the COVID-19 pandemic with more social anxiety or experienced it for the first time (like me). Most of us sat and continue to occupy positions today which provide us with challenges and impact our day-to-day in unfavorable ways.

As I sit here writing this, I have a million other things I need to be doing--but I'm so tired. Physically tired--sleep deprived to the point where it's not even funny, mentally drained and exhausted. I've fallen behind in so many tasks and assignments. Yet, sometimes we have to be the person who allows ourselves to take a break and express our thoughts and articulate our emotions when no one else will. When the world is not giving you the kindness and consideration that you deserve, make sure to make time and space for yourself. Writing this will probably make my thoughts a lot clearer (well, I'm sleep deprived again, so maybe moreso...less cluttered). I just feel like so many thoughts are hanging over my head in a cloud that I don't have time to think about. But in the long run, really, it makes everything harder to navigate.

If you take anything away from this, give yourself the 5 minutes and a much needed break to do what you need to do for yourself, like I am doing now.

I transferred to a new university away from my hometown, a passion that I loved, a community that I loved to do my passion with, and almost everyone I knew. I've been in undergrad for damn near long enough to have (maybe) my graduates. I'm supposed to finally graduate this quarter.

But I'm just so tired...and anxious, and depressed. I know that it's much better to talk to a professional about this but I'm not able to right now. I work 20 hours per week, and go to school more than full time since my advisors pushed me to graduate earlier than everyone else I know graduating for no specific reason. One day, I was sitting in class an my heart rate on my watch rose to 155BPM--i wasn't doing anything, I was just sitting there anxious. I thought I was having a heart attack and drove to the hospital, staying overnight.

Anxiety is never something I've had to face in my day-to-day which impacts it at that level before. After COVID, however, I am anxious in all social situations and especially in an unfamiliar community (still fairly new to me because of the stay-at-home orders, remember?) This was supposed to be my last hurrah at a university experience after years of working through community college to transfer. And I moved away from everyone and everything I loved to sit in my room for two fucking years, gaining health problems and mental problems I didn't know would be popping up now after society has been opened back up for awhile.

And yet here I am when it matters most. The one class that is required specifically for graduation--I wrote the wrong deadline down. I'm embarrassed and scared to email my professor about it. I've had to meet with my other professors, too, about missing work and falling behind. Even in work I'm behind on work. I feel so bad but I genuinely felt like my birthday, two days ago, was too much for me to think about let alone celebrate--how do i pull myself out of this? how do i not blame myself? i have severe adhd impairment and because of my newfound anxiety heart rate, cannot take my medication without precaution. everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. and i'm so depressed.

i know this sounds like it went from maybe inspirational to a lot of whining, but honestly, i just need space to vocalize and vent. i don't know who else to talk to. i haven't made any friends since I've transferred.

anyway, i have to go try to tackle the never ending workload that i have in lieu of the past-due dates that are glaring at me at all times in my mind.

if you, too, are struggling friend--know that you're not alone. thanks for reading this far into my first (albeit mundane) post. I'll try to update the situation as it unfolds.

wish me luck, we'll make it through this. this too shall pass.

-the immaculator

[indistinct-office]

tw // uh nsfw mentions and suicide and general mental illness stuff idk

-

i love fukuzawa sm but idk if id rather him mentor me or fuck me

i think i should die to be honest im sad dude ill cry i wonder if i have a dissasociativive disorder like. depersonalisation seems concerningly familiar well like it makes sense of course derealisation and deperasalisation

idk how to spell but they make so much sense. on the other hand one must consider that i am evil and pathetic and dont deserve an explanation for my feelings nope im jsut bad and should die. but apart from that

im tired man. im very tired i want to cry. i also. cant seem to move



so idk if i have dpdr or im just tired or have executive dysfunction everythings very confusing im trying

why

and is it unreality or is it me philosophising or

whats going on i know no one else knows i dont i feel like i have never been a person i feel like a mirror more than anything i dont know and feelings are so complicated i want to cry and i dont understand whats going on and im so sick of myself but i cant seem to stop and everything i say feels like a lie and i cant remember anything i feel like im fading also how is it almost 11pm

i feel like i dont have any agency and

like if someone has moved the content of this image way to far off the edge

and i dont know if the whole "i dont feel like a person" thing is dpdr or succh strognly engrained self loathing or a combination of both or me making excuses for being lazy or i dont know and it always has always felt like there are too many people in my head. whcih sounds yk. not great. and it isnt but then what if ive convinced myself that i have dpdr/whatever because i just want a label and something solid or i dont know but no i think i do and who is i anyway who am i referring to ive been through this so many times before and nothing changes nothing has every changed and nothing will help

and i know it sounds like im having a panic attack because i am but this is how it feels all the time

oh

i used to joke to myself that my brain was either so full of thoughts it hurts or completely empty and full of fog but that might be dpdr

like, anxiety/trauma or dissacociative

oh no

but idk i havent really had an trauma what if im making this up just because i want my friend to know whats wrong with me and me to get better and have a nice little storyline and get better

it feels like whenever im lucid im in pain

ha. well. thats a thing now i guess

im so tired of this. but its all good its fine. i cant even self harm properly

what if the reason im so anxious all the time is because im scared of why im doing something

it feels like im comingn to some big resolution but what if im just convincing myself of that so i can feel good but everything will stay the same? there are dried tears on my laptop and they look like stains of cum

oh no i think i might be dpdr. like. when /that/ happened. i distracted msyelf and felt "usual" and then i was reminded of it and it hurted so much

oh no oh fuck what

well. theres that i guess

yeah no im pretty sure i have uh depersonalisation/derealisation disorder. it makes a lot of sense. at last the puzzle of the self is completed and im better and everything is fine /s

no wonder i relate to will wood and jreg so much.

there is now the issue of

a) who the fuck am i

b) what the fuck do i do now

uh i need help i think ( yeah no shit )

it really does feel like there are hundreds of people living up in my brain

im scared about what i should do next.

i have to go to london tomorrow

no wonder i find it so hard to explain my thinking process and emotions. of course. it makes sense now

im posting this so theres some external record of what happened today. but this is basically a diary entry so yknow.

[sarahrogersevans]

Hey bubs! I had an idea,

So I’ve said I haven’t been feeling the best because I ran out of my meds and only just got them back today, it made me feel really emotional and anxious so I was wondering if you could write something with Chris x reader where she’s ran out of her meds and she is just really embarrassed to tell Chris but he knows because when it happens, usually not too many times but when it does he knows you get really emotional at night and really bad insomnia because of the anxiety and your a little bit more irritated and just icky than usual so he’s just there to help reader though it and be there for her because she feels like no one is actually there for her so it’s overthinking, with all of this she doesn’t really want to eat so he makes her comfort food and make sure she drinks etc mad he just takes care of her ❤️❤️

Never A Bother- Chris Evans xreader fan fic request

Summary: reader is feeling out of whack and anxious because they ran out of their medication & is feeling icky and overthinks they bother Chris but Chris reassures them they are never a bother and comforts them

Warnings: mentions of feeling icky, mentions of anxiety, mentions of overthinking, angst, fluff, soft Chris, mentions of medication, comfort fluff, let me know if I miss anything

(Y/N’s POV)

My alarm on my phone started beeping for seven am and I pressed stop and got up but felt icky but it was probably just because I needed to eat. I heard Chris groan and say “ugh no come on baby stay with me a bit more.” I laughed as I felt Chris put his arms around me and I smiled at him and said “Chris you and I both have a long day ahead we can’t be late.” He nodded and kissed my cheek and said “yea you’re right ok c’mon Dodger let’s go get you some breakfast hmm?”

I went with Chris and Dodger to the kitchen after getting dressed and went to go take my medication but I saw that I was out and I freaked out because I forgot to order more but I could always just call and get more so hopefully I’ll be ok for a day or so. I started feeling more anxious and nauseous since I hadn’t had my medication but I didn’t wanna worry Chris. He noticed I didn’t eat anything and that I was just drinking coffee and said “hey doll you ok?” I started overthinking that Chris would get mad or be annoyed if I told him how I felt so I looked over at him and said “yea.. I’m fine Chris I gotta get going I’ll meet you work ok? I gotta do some extra prep.”

(Chris’s POV)

I worried about Y/N and I could tell she wasn’t feeling good I just wish she’d open up a bit more but maybe if I sit down with her one on one after work maybe she’ll feel better. I got to the set of Infinity War and I went over by Y/N and saw she was at makeup and I leaned over by her and said “hey sunshine just wanna check on you how’s it going?” She gave me a shy smile and softly said “I’m ok just tired I guess.” I nodded rubbing her back and said “wanna talk at home baby?” I could tell she wanted comforting and said “yea we’ll talk after Chris I promise.” I smiled at her and kissed her cheek and said “alright Y/N hang in there.”

After we got done filming everything and the interviews I met Y/N at home and I saw her curled up on the couch by Dodger and I looked at her seeing she was struggling and I felt really worried. I sat down by Y/N carefully and whispered “hey lovebug I’m worried about you I can tell something is wrong please tell me honey.” Y/N looked at me and wiped her eyes and said “I’m.. I’m sorry Chris, I’m feeling icky and really anxious I ran out of my medicine and just don’t feel right.” I nodded and said “oh honey I wish you had told me I could have helped you get more. I love you and hate seeing you not doing well.”

(Y/N’s POV)

I love how gentle and understanding Chris was about how I was feeling everyone else who knew always made me feel like I was bother but Chris is amazing. I scooted closer to Chris and hugged him saying “I’m sorry Chris I just worried I’d .. annoy you with this but I’ll tell you next time I promise, I ordered some on the phone before you got home I’ll have it tomorrow.” Chris held me close and said “no hey sweetheart you are never a bother ok? I want you to open up to me I love you so much I hate seeing you having a hard time.” I smiled at him blushing and said “I love you too Chris you’re so good to me.” Chris kissed me and said “you deserve it baby you’re a wonderful woman and the love of my life I wanna take care of my baby.”

@jessybarnes

@lokiandbuckysdoll

@fluffycutecevans

@nana1000night

@delicatecoffeepeanut

@writersblog20

@vrittivsanghavi

@marvelstarker-mha98

Hey bubba here is your request 🤍🤍 hope you enjoy 😊xx

[letsloveimagines]

Title: Crush II

Pairing: Corpse Husband x fem!youtuber!reader

Collab with: @the-winter-sxldier-posts

Requested by: Anonymous

Request:  You HAVE to write a part 2 of crush where they meet! It would be so cuteeee!

Word Count: 1667

Warnings: a little swearing but mostly fluff

Note: The images doesn’t belong to me, all the credits go to the respective creators. I only made the collage. Also, I will not make anything to make Corpse uncomfortable, if he ends saying he doesn’t like fanfiction about him, I will delete this.

Part I: Here

                                                           ♦⋅☆⋅♦ Y/N pressed her left foot on the clutch pedal, turned the car key and heard the engine roaring loudly afterwards. She added the address on the GPS, looked at herself in the mirror for a moment taking a deep breath, trying to stay calm and focused. She put the car in first gear, and started driving from her apartment complex's private parking lot to the main road.

As her small and comfortable car drove through the streets of Los Angeles, the girl kept listening to what was on the radio. Every now and then, her stomach would churned with nervousness but she would take a deep breath and smile uncertainly to herself, trying to convince herself that everything would be okay.

Fed up with the podcast she was listening to, turned her car's Bluetooth on when she had to stop at a red traffic light, she switched to her current favorite Playlist.

Distracted by the music and humming softly accompanied by Rihanna's voice, she put the first gear back on, moving the car forward when the traffic light turned green, quickly shifting to the second and then putting on the third.

Her mind was racing, however.

Life had gone well since that specific day... since Y/N and Corpse confessed their feelings to each other. Their mutual friends that they played with knew the truth and were extremely happy for them, which was wonderful and soothing. Outside of them, no one else knew what had happened.

Corpse and Y/N talked every day, stayed on the phone every night until one of them fell asleep unfortunately, the girl always fell asleep first, and saw each other through FaceTime whenever they could.

In other words, the two could say that they were basically dating already... Even though there was never a real question. But perhaps that was about to change, for the day had finally come when they would meet physically.

A sound of receiving a phone call invaded the car and interrupted her thoughts. With a smile on her lips already knowing who was, Y/N clicked on the answer button and waited while entering a roundabout.

"Hey." That characteristic deep voice was heard.

"Hey you." She replied while looking briefly at his name written on the car screen.

"Are you on your way yet?"

"Yes, I just left the house. I'll be there In about two hours, depending on the traffic today."

Corpse cleared his throat and Y/N almost visualized him playing with his rings, and messing with his dark curly hair. "Are you sure you haven't forgotten anything?"

"Well, I hope not. I’ve had my bags packed for two days, but I think I have everything that is necessary with me. If not, there is no problem really." She replied.

"This is going to... This is really going to happen isn't it?" She could hear the smile in the man's voice.

"Yes, Corpse, it is. We will finally meet in person."

"I can't wait to see you." He whispered.

Y/N felt her cheeks warm for a moment, and she knew that if she looked in the mirror she would see a dark pink tone on her skin. She bit her lower lip in an attempt to stop the huge smile. "I can't wait to give you a big hug and tell you everything face to face."

Corpse laughed deeply, his tone was warm and full of emotion. "I know... I am anxious, and I am not going to lie about it. I'm super nervous. My hands are shaking so much that I don't even know how I haven't dropped my phone yet."

"Oh, Corpse..." Y/N whispered with a heavy heart, but was attentive to the road at the intersection where she was. "There is no reason to be nervous, it's just me. It’s just us."

"I know..." He sighed softly. After a few minutes without speaking, enjoying the comfortable silence between the two and listening to the sound of the Y/N’s car motor, he continued. "Well..." Corpse cleared his throat. "I will let you concentrate on your driving. Be careful and pay attention to the road."

"I will, I’ll see you later."

"Bye."

"Bye, Corpse."

The call ended but the anxiety and nervousness did not. However, only the sound of his voice and the small conversation they had was able to make Y/N smile all the way to San Diego.

                                                          ♦⋅☆⋅♦ 

Y/N pressed the turn signal, the green arrow flashing to the right, and parked the car in an empty parking space in front of the building. The woman's neutral and almost robotic voice came from the GPS saying: You have reached your destination. Shaking in her place, the girl put on the brake and turned off the car, taking a deep breath trying to calm herself once more.

It was now or never... Should she send him a message to let him know she was already there? Should she just knock on the door? Her hands were shaking so much, and her heart was beating so hard and so fast that it almost hurt.

She sat in the driver's seat for a few more minutes, so nervous she might pass out. It is better to just go there, she thought, the longer it takes the more nervous I will become.

She took a deep breath, unbuckled her seat belt, removed the keys from the ignition and quickly got out of the car, closing the door behind her, and going to the trunk to remove the pink suitcase. When it was on the floor next to her, she closed the trunk and locked the car safely, looking at the intimidating building in front of her.

Without further ado she approached it, opened the entrance door, climbed the stairs with some difficulty to his floor, and trembling, she shyly knocked on the door with her knuckles.

That door was opened so fast that it even scared her.

They were both looking at each other almost stunned... Finally they were there, in person, just a meter away and with a spine of the door separating them. Corpse was even more beautiful in person, and Y/N found herself lost in his dark eyes for a while.

"Hi..." She said sheepishly.

Corpse looked at her examining her from head to toe as if he couldn't believe she was real. Finally he smiled so beautifully that she almost forgot to breathe. "Hi." He replied.

Y/N dragged the suitcase a little closer to her, uncertain how to proceed. She didn't have time to think, however, as Corpse seemed to get tired of the waiting and shyness between them, crossed the space between the two and took her in his arms. His body was warm against hers, extremely hot, and his embrace was loving and passionate. Y/N inhaled his attractive scent - a mixture of soap, men's perfume and something else - and Corpse laughed through her hair.

"You’re here!" He exclaimed loudly, laughing deeply, spinning in circles with her still in his arms laughing out loud like he was.

When the two were inside the apartment, Corpse released her and pulled her suitcase inside as well, closing the door to prevent any curious neighbor from trying to see what was going on.

The two of them stayed there with smiles so big on their faces that their cheeks hurt… But it was definitely a good pain.

"I don't even know what to say..." Y / N confessed, practically shaking with excitement in her place.

Corpse smiled again, taking her hand timidly and gently, caressing her skin and interlacing their fingers and pulling her closer to him. "Me neither."

They were silent just enjoying the moment, and enjoying the fact that they were there, together... that it was real. How many times had they imagined this? How many times had they dreamed of that moment?

Corpse lowered his head slightly looking into her eyes intently, but his brows furrowed as if something troubling was going through his mind. "I…"

"What is it?" Y/N questioned worriedly.

Corpse made a shy expression. “Can I… Can I kiss you?”

Y/N's cheeks caught fire but her smile was so big, and she was so happy that she felt like she was going to explode at any moment. "Yes! Yes, of course you can…"

The young man approached, with his hand on Y/N's waist to pull her closer and the other one climbing up her arm, her shoulder, then her neck and resting on her burning cheek, where he was caressing the hot skin. Their fresh, labored and nervous breaths mingled, closing the distance until their lips touched, finally in what felt like an explosion of fireworks or an explosion of magic. Corpse's lips were soft and warm against hers, kissing her tenderly, as he brought their bodies together even more almost as if he was afraid that she would disappear at any moment.

The kiss was a mixture of lips and tongues, longing, passion and mostly love. It ended faster than they would have liked, but they stayed in each other's arms, sharing passionate smiles.

After a moment, Corpse whispered, "I still think this is a dream, and that I'm going to wake up after the normal three fucking hours that I can barely sleep."

Y/N laughed with her heart leaping and butterflies in her belly, playing with the laces of the black sweatshirt he had worn that day, wrapping it around her fingers and looking him in the dark eyes. "Me too, I've pinched myself hundreds of times today just to make sure this was real. But if this is a dream, I don't want to wake up anymore."

"I will punch the face of anyone who tries to wake me up." Corpse joked making Y/N let out the laugh he liked so much to hear.

"I love you." She whispered dizzy with emotion.

"That’s good, because I love you too."

                                                         ♦⋅☆⋅♦

Tag List: @breathygasps​ @unicornblood4ever  @mintchip17  @jay-jay-love

[backtobackbakubabe]

Speak Easy Part 20

Bakugo x Raeder , Dabi x Reader

Words : 6060

Masterlist

Reader has a siren quirk and has spent the past several years of her life as a captive being experimented on by “heroes” Now that she’s out she needs protection and safe place to heal. Who will be the one to put her pieces back together.

Words with ‘this’ is dialogue written in her journal rather than said out loud and and words with ~this~ is dialogue said in sign language rather than out loud.

***********************************************************************

Your leg wouldn’t stop bouncing. Katsuki was currently at the meeting to discuss mission details. You weren’t of high enough rank to be included, which didn’t sit with you very well, but you had to remind yourself you have no official hero credits. You had to prove yourself all over again.

You had a movie playing in the background, but you couldn’t focus on it. You knew when Katsuki came home he’d have all the juicy details including whose team you were on. You hoped you either got Denki or Shinso’s team. You didn’t really know the other team leads that well and given your evident trust issues, you felt uncomfortable working with them.

Eventually your leg bouncing wasn’t enough to satisfy your anxiety, so you got up and began to pace. You kept cracking your knuckles over and over again, but it did nothing to calm your nerves.

You could tell your jittery behavior was affecting Bravo. The poor pup just kept following you as you walked laps around your apartment. You were anxious but excited all at once and you couldn’t tell which emotion was winning. You were going back into the field. You were going to start the long and hard process of bringing justice to those who hurt you.

The thought of fighting again, like really fighting, not just sparing with Katsuki made you break out in goosebumps. You craved the rush of unrestrained violence. You know that made you sound… well a little unstable. But when you had this much pent up rage it was only a matter of time before you blew up.

With the goosebumps came the sweat. You were also terrified of having to put yourself in any kind of vulnerable position. Here you were safe. Here you could roam around as you pleased. Up on the surface you put yourself at risk. There were so many people who were after you, you couldn’t even keep track. There were some bad guys who wanted you so they could breed you. There were some good guys who wanted you because they think you’re a villainous traitor. And then there were some bad guys pretending to be good, who wanted you because they want to run experiments on your quirk… Just thinking about it was enough to make your head spin.

Before you could start to go too deep into the paranoia rabbit hole, your door opened and in walked Katsuki, looking absolutely exhausted. “Oi… have you eaten yet? I stopped and picked up some freshly hand pulled noodles. Thought I could make us some ramen. What do you think?”

“That sounds fine…”

He walked past you to the kitchen without giving you so much as a single glance as he started to cook in your tiny little kitchen. “Okay what’s up your ass? I get being tired. You’ve been in a meeting practically all day. But… HEY!” You grabbed him and turned him to face you. “Look at me. You’re creeping me out.”

He sighed, “Like you said I was just in a meeting all day. I hate meetings… and I hate being told no even more. And believe me I was told no a lot today.” He brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. “A lot of decisions were made about you today and apparently my opinion means jack shit.”

You stiffened, “Oh yeah? What kind of decisions? Do you know whose team I’m on?”

He groaned and rested his forehead on your shoulder, “Can you please let me make dinner. I’m starving. I put a folder on the table. It has all kinds of mission details. Knock yourself out.”

Eyes wide you scoffed, “Am I even allowed to look at those.”

He kissed the side of your head before returning to cooking, “You think I give a fuck? If it were up to me, you would have been in the meeting today.”

You skipped over to the where Katsuki had dropped a fairly thick file. You bit your lip as your finger traced the outside of it slowly. The last time you went snooping through a file you didn’t like what you found.

Taking a deep breath, you opened the file. You skimmed through a lot of the basic stuff until you got to the team listings. You were working with… Kaminari!

“Yay! Denki’s my team lead!” You did a little happy dance and actively ignored Katsuki’s groan of annoyance.

“That dumbass can barely protect himself! I wanted them to put you with Tetsutetsu. But apparently my opinion is worthless…”

He was cute when he grumbled like this. You just loved ruffling his delicate feathers. “I don’t know… I think Kaminari is the perfect example of what a hero is supposed to be.” You could see Katsuki’s shoulders stiffen and you had to stop yourself from laughing.

“Have you lost your fucking mind? That idiot can’t even control his quirk half the time. Not to mention I just know he’s going to be hitting on you the entire time!”

Katsuki continued his rant as you flipped through more of the file. Everything looked pretty routine. Recon team’s first, then the combat specialist teams, then the clean up teams. All of your old classmates were scattered around leading teams of their own and it made you so proud.

You turned the page and felt your blood turn cold. “We’re infiltrating my old agency?”

Katuski turned the stove top off and sighed. “Yes… that’s one of the main reasons they wanted you to join in. You know more about the building then the rest of us.” He put a bowl of ramen in front of you, “If you don’t want to go anymore, no one will think less of you. It was actually pretty shitty of them to put you in this position. Yet another thing we argued about today.”

You could hear how tired he was. You knew he had more than likely spent the whole meeting in panic mode. It should make you happy that he cared so much about you, but it honestly made you feel… like a burden.

“Hey Kat, you know I’m a big girl right? I can handle much more than you seem to think. Will some of it make me nervous? Naturally. I’d be crazy if I wasn’t. But it doesn’t mean I can’t do it. I’m okay being with Kaminari. I know him and I know his quirk. I trust him and I know he’d do anything in his power to keep his team safe.” You pushed some of the noodles around your bowl. “If we’re being honest…I’m scared about going back to my agency, but I refuse to let that fear control me. Not anymore.”

His hand found yours and gave it a squeeze, “I know… and it’s that fear that makes me nervous. Fear does crazy things to people, and I don’t want to see you shut down because of it. Especially not in a place like that.”

You pulled your hand away from his, but quickly placed it on his cheek so he knew you weren’t angry. “I can do this Katsuki and I need to know that you know that. I need to know that you believe in me.” His eyes looked so sad. He looked hurt, almost like he had failed you somehow. “I know it’s just because you care… but sometimes I feel like a burden. It feels like you think if you don’t protect me, I’ll fall apart.”

“Y/n… that’s not it I promise…I—I just don’t want to make the same mistake twice.” His eyebrows furrowed. “I trusted before that you could handle yourself. You were strong and independent, and I thought you didn’t need anyone… and that decision has haunted me for years.” He shook his head, almost like he thought he could shake the memories away. “So no… it’s not that I don’t believe in you, because I do. I just refuse to trust the rest of the world.”

You nodded, letting his confession sink in. “I get that. I really do. But you have to understand how that makes me feel. What if I told you, ‘I think you’re great and all, but I don’t trust that you could win in every single fight ever’.”

You saw him flinch but you didn’t have the time to sugarcoat it. “You see how ridiculous that sounds. Of course there are people out there stronger than me. Of course there are freak scenarios that we can’t predict in advance. I’m not safe anywhere I go. None of us are. So, I wish you’d stop worrying about what could happen to me and just believe that no matter what happens I will handle it the best I can. Because honestly it feels like you don’t believe in me at all sometimes.”

He hung his head in shame as his cheeks tinted pink. “I’m sorry I made you feel like that. I really am, I had no idea you felt that way.”

You gave him a soft smile, “You didn’t know because I never told you. Part of this is my fault too.” You cupped his chin and made him look at you. “All we can do is be honest going forward and try and meet each other in the middle. I’m scared shitless about what might happen tomorrow and all I want is for you to let me know it’s going to be alright. I need reassurance, not more fear.”

He nodded and let out a shaky sight. “Wow… who knew therapy could be so affective…”

You snorted and slapped his shoulder. “Shut up! You’re the one who practically forced me to go!”

He chuckled as he shoveled noodles into his mouth. “Yeah but apparently it’s working so...” He shrugged, “You can’t be too mad about it. Besides Dr. Tsu is cool as fuck. And she makes bomb ass cookies.”

You giggled as you picked at your own food. The topic of conversation getting lighter after that. You honestly felt so much better after getting all of that off your chest. It felt nice knowing that Katsuki had your back, but it felt even better knowing he believed you could do it on your own.

After you ate, the two of you wordlessly agreed it was time for bed by making your way towards your bedroom. You had a long day tomorrow after all. You fell asleep with your head on his chest as he went over the mission file for the hundredth time.

**

“We can’t take any more blood right now. We’ve already taken too much, anymore would put her at risk.”

“She’ll be fine. We just need a little bit more to complete the prototype.”

Those voices triggered your fight or flight instincts but when you tried to move you found you couldn’t. Once again you found yourself strapped to a table, eyes blindfolded.

“Is it really worth the risk of killing her? Don’t get me wrong it’s not like I have any emotional connection to her, but her quirk really is amazing. We need to be more careful.”

The second man scoffed, “I could care less either way. We are technically supposed to be running tests for now but when the league come for her, she is going to be used for breeding. I think she’d prefer a peaceful death here in the lab to that.”

You pulled on your restraints frantically, but they didn’t seem to notice.

“I had heard something about that… what a shame. Any idea when they’re coming for her? I have a lot more experiments I’d like to run before they take her.”

“Last I heard they granted us a year as long as we share our findings with them. But they have a very specific person in mind they want to breed her with and they’re having some trouble tracking him down. So maybe we’ll get her a little longer. Who knows?”

You felt the pinch of yet another needle stabbing a vein in your arm and felt your blood being pulled from her body. “Such beautiful blood. Capable of such delicious destruction.” You felt a tongue swipe over your neck, and you tried to cry out, but you couldn’t force any sound out. “Hmmm I swear even her sweat is intoxicating.”

“Be careful if she activated her quirk with her bodily fluids in your system, she could paralyze you, you dumbass.”

The man on top of you chuckled, “I’d love to see her try to even wiggle a pinky with the amount of sedatives I pumped into her system.” You felt a sharp pinch to one of your nipples, “It’s a shame we aren’t in charge of breeding her.”

“Stop. You know the League would flip out if we handed her over and she was already pregnant. They’d kill us all.”

You felt the full weight of the man trap you to the table, “We can still have a little fun without getting her pregnant…”

**

You screamed as you to tried to sit up but you couldn’t. You were trapped. Someone was laying on top of you. You couldn’t move. You couldn’t move. You couldn’t move.

“Hey, hey, hey, shhhh. You’re okay. You’re safe. You’re with me, it’s Katsuki. Come on I need you to stay with me.” You felt you head starting to clear as logic started to return to your half-asleep mind. “That’s it. Good girl. Just keep breathing. Let me know when you oka—”

You flipped so you were now sitting on top of him. “You sat on top of him and breathed heavily as you focused on your surroundings. “Sorry, I just didn’t like feeling trapped. I needed—I needed space.”

He nodded and ran soothing hands up and down your thighs. “Okay. Tell me what you need and I’ll do it.”

The feeling of his hands on your naked thighs was enough to make you try to squeeze them together. His smell? Had he always smelled this good or were you just hysterical right now. You craved him. Every part of him. You wanted him to chase away the dirty hands that had grouped you in your dreams. You wanted to reclaim control of your life.

He moaned as you rocked your gently rocked your hips. “Y/N?”

“You said anything I need right?” You panted as started to grind harder on top of him.

He clenched his teeth and nodded, “Anything…”

You reached for the waistband of his boxers. “I want to fuck you like this might be our last time. I want you to take your time loving every single part of me. I want to forget any hands that have touched me before you.” You managed to get his boxers off and his hands desperately tore your underwear straight off your body.

He sat up and brushed his nose over yours, “As you wish princess.”

His hands gripped your hips as you hovered over him until you felt the head of his cock pressed against your entrance. You held your breath and slowly lowered yourself onto him. You were so slow. Almost agonizingly slow, and you loved the way it drove him wild.

“I—Fuck…I have been waiting what feels like my whole life for this baby. Don’t hold ba—”

You dropped the rest of the way and watched as Katsuki’s eyes practically rolled as his fingers dug deeper into the flesh of your hip. “Mmmm yes!”

At first you didn’t move. Just sat there, letting yourself adjust and drinking in all of Katsuki’s beautiful facial expressions. He looked like he was in heaven.

You slowly lifted yourself before dropping yourself back down. Your hands found his and intertwined your fingers for leverage. There was something very sweet about the way he was currently looking at you as if you were his own personal goddess. As if his very existence orbited around you.

Your pace picked up a but as you fell forward. Your fingers tangled into his hair and his hands gripped your ass with a hot touch.

“God Y/N you’re so fucking perfect. He started to thrust up to meet you and you could practically smell the desperation on him. He sat up and leaned his forehead on yours. “I know you said you wanted to fuck me like it might be out last time…” He panted a bit, “But if it’s okay with you… I’d like to… shit… I’d like to make love to you. Because I know in my heart that this won’t be our last night together.”

You whined at his words and pulled on his hair a bit as your legs squeezed around him. “Yes… oh god yes please!”

He quickly rolled you over. He looked into your eyes, his thumb coming up to brush over your cheek. Then without warning he thrust into you hard and slow. When he was fully inside you, he held still. He kissed your neck, your face, your forehead. Then slowly thrust into you again.

You weren’t sure if you had ever had sex that was this slow. You thought it would be frustrating, but you were loving it. It felt so good. You felt connected to Katsuki in a way you didn’t think possible. This was epitome of intimacy. You trusted this man with your life, with your body, with your wellbeing.

His forehead pressed to your once again, “I love you Y/N. I’ve loved you since sine we were kids. I know I will always love you no matter what.” You let out a sinful moan as he continued to hit that spot deep inside you over and over again. He captured your lips with his and swallowed your moans.

You wrapped your legs around his waist and squeezed him to you. You felt tears leek down your cheeks as your orgasm slowly climbed to its peak. There was something so weird about feeling it creep on you, about knowing it was building.

Your climax hit you and you felt the tears flow even harder. There was no doubt about this feeling. It was love… but that wasn’t anything new. You always knew you loved Katsuki. But this was different. You didn’t know why, but it made you emotional.

Katsuki groaned as he pumped a few more times and before he emptied himself into you.

“Oh shiiiiiit.” He fell onto his forearms and “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even ask.”

Your fingers ran up and down his back as your breathing returned to normal. “S’okay. I’ll get on the pill when we get back from our mission.”

He nuzzled into your neck. “I’ll be more careful next time. Promise. I just got a little caught up.”

Unrestrained tears continued to stream down your cheeks. It wasn’t until you sniffled that Katsuki even noticed.

He sat up immediately, his hands cupping your we cheeks. “Hey. What’s wrong? Talk to me Y/N. What’s going on?”

You blinked away your tears before rubbing your eyes. “I’m just really emotional right now. I—I’m scared.”

“You’re scared? Of what? Of the mission tomorrow? You don’t have to go. You know you can back out at any time.”

His hand ran through your hair. “No… Well yes, but no. I am a little scared of going back there. I mean I can’t even go into the medical ward here without getting nervous… but the thing I’m most scared of… is something happening to you.”

He opened his mouth, but you continued before he could say anything. “I just need you to be okay. Promise me you will.”

His eyes softened as he pressed a quick kiss to his cheek.

That night you lay awake much longer then you should have, agonizing over what you didn’t tell him. The real reason you were crying. He was so open about how much he loved you. He’d say it over and over again with zero shame. But you didn’t know if you were there yet. You loved him, truly, but it definitely paled in comparison. And that hurt. It hurt knowing that he was devoted to you and you couldn’t return his love. At least not yet.

Were you really that broken that you couldn’t love anymore? It was because you loved Katsuki that you cried… because you were scared, you’d hurt him. Or worse yet, something bad would happen to him before you could be honest with him.

Given enough time you knew you’d learn to return his affections. There was just something so broken inside you at the moment that it was hard to look past it.

You thought back to the schoolgirl crush you had on him in school. Back to the puppy love when you were children. That Y/N would have bent over backwards to have Katuski Bakugo in her arms like he is now. Even now your heart swells with how much you want to hold him close and smother him with kisses. There’s just something missing.

Maybe you were sabotaging your own happiness. Maybe your trauma was catching up to you. Maybe in some twisted way you were just trying to protect him from the black cloud that seemed to follow you everywhere.

Morning came and you didn’t think you slept more than a few hours.

Katsuki held your hand as he led you to the garage. “Alright. We split up from here. You’ll get in that van with Kaminari’s team.” He pulled you in for a long hug. “Be safe, be cautious, and be brave. I’ll come find you when the fighting is over.”

You shoved his face way from your as he tried to kiss you. “Same to you idiot. Don’t do anything dumb because you think you’re indestructible… You’re not so please act like it.”

The ride to the agency took a little under two hours and you spent the whole time talking shit with Denki. If he was nervous, he definitely didn’t let it show. It was like nothing phased him anymore.

The closer you got to the agency the quitter the van got and by the time it came to a complete stop a few blocks away it was dead silent.

You could here every breath, every shift in posture, and if you swore if you listened hard enough, every pounding heartbeat. You job now was to sit and wait. Wait for the signal that the lead teams either needed back up or everything was all clear for clean up.

You busied your nervous fingers by meticulously braiding your hair. You braided two Dutch braids. Even braided your hair still came down to your waist. You had wanted to cut it for a while, but it had almost turned into somewhat of a security blanket for you.

You were all out of hair to braid and you started to get restless again. Kaminari’s knee bounced as he periodically checked his radio.

Hours passed as the fighting raged on, and yet you all held your ground, crammed in the van. You itched to help, to run in full force ready to help your friends. With each passing minute you felt the desire to scream increase. This was going to drive you crazy. You’ve never experienced such impatience before. Being a spy meant you had to be patient as well as have almost perfect timing. But now… you were bloodthirsty, and you didn’t want to wait any longer than you had to.

There was part of you that felt like maybe… if you physically overpowered and conquered your fears then maybe you’d stop being so fucking nervous all the time. Maybe you could step foot in the medical ward without wanting to throw up. Maybe you could let Katsuki love you without feeling guilty.

Out of nowhere a loud buzz cut through the silence as Kaminari’s radio came to life.

“All clear. All teams proceed with caution. Not all employees have been captured.”

Kaminari slapped the side of the van twice and the van took off coming to a screeching halt outside of the agency. “Alright everyone. We’re up. Our main priority it to help capture and sort the employees. Some are evil assholes who need to be interrogated while others might truly believe they work for an honest hero agency. Stay vigilant and if there’s even an ounce of suspicion sort them for integration.” He looked to you, “If you see anyone from you know… your involuntary time here… let me know immediately. We have a uh… special process for them.”

You nodded as you filed out of the van with the rest of your teammates. You focused on breathing in your nose and out of your mouth to keep your nerves under control as you approached your old agency. You can do this. You’re here to take them down. You’re here to help identify the ones who abused the title ‘hero’.

You could feel adrenaline pump through your veins. You were finally getting justice. This was the first step to your freedom. First the agency, then the league, then you could come clean to the public. Only then could you attempt a normal life again. If that were even possible at this point.

The pristine bullet proof glass doors where now blown to pieces on you only needed one guess to know who was responsible for that.

You crossed the threshold to the building and your eyes widened at what was inside. Naturally you knew it wasn’t going to look the same. It had been years since you walked these halls. You hadn’t expected to see it utterly destroyed though.

It shouldn’t have surprised you though. There was an all-out battle here between heroes. Of course there was going to be destruction.

The ground was covered in ash and dust. There were holes in the walls and craters in the floor. You could see where some furniture had been previously set on fire while some where broken beyond repair. Down the main hall you could see some of Shoto’s ice melting with several people trapped inside it.

There employees were scattered in varying conditions. Some look like they surrendered immediately and completely unharmed. Others looks like they gave up a fight and were currently being tied up.

This was your job now. You went up to the first group of people you saw. They were laying on their stomachs with their hands behind your head. Kirishima was standing in front of them with his arms crossed over his chest. “Oh hey! Look who made it.” He gave you an easy smile. Too easy for someone who just fought a brutal several hour-long battle. “This group’s pretty tame. Eight of them and most of them surrendered early. I’ll hang out while you do your thing and then we can move on to some others.”

You quirked an eyebrow at him. “You hang out with any of the other clean up team? Or did Katsuki ask you to babysit me?”

He shrugged, “I want to make sure your first day on the job goes smoothly. Sue me.”

You rolled your eyes and went to the first person and activated your quirk. “Hi there. Can you please look me in the eye?” The middle-aged woman slowly moved her eyes to you, and you snapped into her mind. “Perfect. You’re doing such a great job? Now I want you to answer a few questions for me. Can you do that?”

“Y—Yes… Ma’am.” The woman sounded terrified which was understandable.

“Amazing. First question. What is your job here?”

“I’m a receptionist…”

Her mind started to involuntarily show you her day to day. Her making coffee, answering phones, getting yelled at. All very mundane things.

“Okay good. Next question. Are you aware of any suspicious or villainous activity being conducted in this agency?”

Her eyes widened, “N-No. This is an agency for heroes!”

Through her thoughts you could see she was being honest.

“Thank you. You have been very helpful.” You broke eye contact and looked to Kiri. “One down, hundreds to go.”

True to his word he followed you from person to person. Only a handful of times did someone give you a hard time, but you handled on your own with little to no problem. You had probably sorted through a few dozen people when you got to someone that made tears spring to your eyes.

“Y/N? What’s wrong? Do you know him?”

You shook your head, “No… but this marking on his face… that’s Dabi’s handywork.”

The man in front of you had a burn mark from his temple to the base of his neck. Similar to the way Dabi had branded the man the night he got poisoned.

“What do you mean? Dabi did this?”

You nodded schooled your emotions. “Yeah he used to sneak out at night sometimes. I looked in his head once and he was going after people who directly involved somehow with my kidnapping. He branded them and…” Your eyes cut to the man’s crotch and back to Kiri. “Well to put it nicely he made sure they’d never be able to have sex again.”

Kiri’s eyes widened. “Damn. Hard core.” He pointed to the man. “So, he’s definitely going to integration then?”

“Yeah, but keep him separated from the rest. If he was important enough for Dabi to know about, than he’s pretty high up on the food chain.”

The man spit on you. “You fucking brat! You and your little guard dog ruined my fucking life.”

Your face remained emotionless as you activated your quirk. “Oh you like to spit huh?” Open your mouth.” The man struggled for a few seconds before his mouth yanked open. You spit a glob into it. “Swallow.” The man’s nostrils flared before swallowing your spit. “I like to spit too. Have fun being paralyzed.”

The man groaned before slumping over completely motionless. You reached out your hand. “Can I borrow you radio?”

Kirishima was quick to yank his radio from is belt and hand it to you. “Anything you want you scary, scary woman.”

You smirked at him before speaking into the radio. “Attention to all team leads. This is L/N Y/N. I have come across an individual with a burn mark from his temple to his neck. Please if you come across anymore pull them aside. Not only are they dangerous but they require special interrogation. Please notify me immediately if anymore are found.”

Seconds later the radio was an endless stream of people reporting branded people. By your count there had to be at least ten by now.

Your heart pounded had Dabi really snuck out that many times without you noticing? Had he done this while he was out with Katsuki… was he still doing it now?

You continued sorting employees until Kiri got a call saying they had rounded up all the branded men and your presence was being requested in the basement.

You stiffened, “Does it have to be the basement?”

Kirishima put his arm around you. “Don’t worry it’s basement level one. Katsuki has personally cleared all basement levels and confirmed you were on basement level six when he found you. We aren’t going to the lab. But there is a holding cell down there which is why they chose that level.”

You nodded and let him lead you to the stairs. “What’s wrong with the elevator?”

Kirishima gave you an odd look, “Sometimes I forget you never did hero work. It’s protocol to turn off the elevators on a raid like this. Keeps people from trying to sneak around. Good news is we only have to go down one floor!”

You descended the stairs quickly. You were actually excited to see all the men. If Dabi branded them, it was for a good reason.

The door swung open and you immediately were met with yelling and people banging on bars. You knew the cells here were equipped with quirk nullifying waves. They were invisible to the human eye but when inside the cell, waves pass through the body that makes the individual incapable of activating their quirk. It was like putting them in a microwave… but for quirks. And apparently, they weren’t happy about it.

It was so loud no one had heard you walking up behind them. You put your hand on Katsuki’s shoulder who was currently red in the face he was yelling so loud. “Hey, it’s okay, let me take it from here.”

Katsuki stopped mid insult and hesitantly backed away from the bar. You looked at the heroes behind you. Katsuki, Shoto, and Izuku, and Kirishima. “Cover your ears until you see me give you a thumbs up.” Without even giving them time to question you, you turned to the yelling men in the cage. You activated your quirk. “Be silent.” You expected to see a few more than ten men down there, but you felt like you had been punched in the stomach when instead there was closer to twenty. These were twenty living, breathing proof that Dabi had cared about you.

There was no other explanation for him to go out of his way to do this.

A few of the men were trying to fight your quirk so you dug deeper and put my authority into your voice. “I said… BE SILENT!”

The yelling stopped all at once. “Goooood. See you can be such good boys. Can’t you? Now… I need you all to step forward to the bars one of a time so I can talk to you.” You held a thumb up to the guys behind you. “You there.” You pointed to a man near the front. “You first. Let’s have a chat.”

The man’s knees buckled as he stumbled towards you. “Whatever you want.”

“Good boy. I’m going to ask you some questions and you’re going to be honest with me aren’t you?”

A shudder went through him and he nodded, “Yes, of c—course ma’am.”

“Yes of course you will because you’re a good boy. And because I will know if you’re lying.” Your eyes met his and you entered his mind.

“Now tell me. Who do your work for?”

Without hesitation he answered, “Shigaraki.”

You nodded, “Good. What is your job?”

“To move inventory.”

“What inventory?”

“Anything… drugs, weapons, people… whatever he asks.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Do you know who I am?”

“Yes… you’re Helen. I was supposed to be in charge of moving you from here to the League a couple months ago. But you went missing.”

You wanted to slap this man, but you couldn’t risk him falling out of your hypnotism. “Do you know where I was when I went missing?”

“No… no one knew. We’ve been looking for you everywhere.”

You clenched your fists, “Who gave you that scar on your face?”

He swallowed and looked nervous. “Dabi did.”

“Did he tell you why?”

“No… he just said I fucked up and he was branding me for later. Dude’s fucking crazy.”

“Do you know where Dabi is now?”

“Last I heard, he’s dead.”

Your eyes welled up.

“Thank you… you can step back.” You pointed to the next person. “You’re turn let’s have a chat.”

You did this for all of them. Every single one saying Dabi was dead. Then you finally got to the last one. He answered all of your questions, although he was a little more hesitant.

“Do you know where Dabi is now?”

“Fucking dead.”

You looked at the man’s burn again and something seemed different than the others. It almost looked…. Fresh.

You reached out instinctively and pushed on the burn and the mean cried out. “Oh yeah? Because this looks pretty new.

The pain must have helped him come too because he was trying to grab your wrist, but before he could get very far Shoto’s hot hand pulled him off. Giving him a nice matching burned handprint on his forearm.

That burn couldn’t be more than a few days old. Something weird was going on. You thought back to all those months that you were missing. Everyone thought you were either on a mission or dead… no one came looking for you until it was almost too late.

Until you saw proof with your own eyes… Dabi was fucking alive. And you fucking wanted answers.

*************

*The Laws* 1. No fucking shrugging 2. No drugs 3. No saying sorry for something that isn’t your fault 4.We work on communication every day 5. Wake up whenever the hell you want 6. No locked doors 7. We eat three full meals a day 8. No means no, no negotiations 9. We work on exercise every day 10. Ice cream must be kept in stock at all times 11. Accept help when it is offered 12. No lying 13. I will not initiate the sexy time without written or verbal consent.

************

Tags: tags: @falling4fandoms @wifunozomi @here-in-never-land @whore-for-anime @klecksstorys @aurorahoneybuns @theunknownrandom @insane-without-delirium @frenchsfryys @officiallydarkgeek @neofixcs @music-is-all-i-need @katsuki-bakubabe@unadulteratedtastemakerpoetry@dabislittlemouse@aimee1602@pinkhatlizzy @kunaigirlx44 @nii-sanfucker@bestgirlb @silver-stardrop@bakubby99 @squichymochi@sarahschance@babayaga67@starenemy @squichymochi

[levisgirll]

How about one where levi comforts his s/o on her birthday? She maybe doesn't feel as important or not good enough? My bday is actually coming up and im a bit anxious for it and i tend to cry on my birthdays for no reason, but now im feeling as if i have a reason to cry? idk but i just would like some fluff/comfort with levi bc i love him sm. Thank you!

𝐚 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐝𝐚𝐲 (𝐋𝐞𝐯𝐢 𝐀𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐱 ���𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫)

text: hello anon!! First of all thank you so much for your lovely request I would gladly write this up for you 🥺💕 and second HAPPY EARLY/LATE BIRTHDAY <3 I hope I am not too late and you get to see this post either on your birthday or before :,) I hope you have a lovely day filled with love and laughter cause everyone deserves that on their birthday 🥰 and also I hope this post somehow helps you go through with your bday and makes u feel perhaps less anxious or sad! I kind of felt like this on my last birthday but I went to read some fanfics and they kind of helped me out and made me smile so I hope that is the same case with you when you read what I wrote for you :,) also i made this modern au ahhhh

synopsis: it’s y/n’s birthday! He tries to make this day special as it is since he wants his s/o to realize that! Later he finds out that his s/o feels on this very day not that important and also tears up. As Levi discovers that, he does and says things only on your birthday that really made you surprised and on this day you felt extremely good and special y/n cries happy tears instead <3

comfort fluff, bit angst, a little bit suggestive (?), modern au ♡ —

Today is the day, and not any day but Levi's s/o birthday! He woke up extremely early for this day. He had already planned out what to do coming from a man who is pretty much organized and ahead of things you weren’t shocked to see him getting up quite early.

“Levi..?” Y/N said in such a soft and tired tone, it really warmed his heart. “Love...Happy birthday.” He would go near your ear and whisper that, then gave you a kiss on your forehead. “I’m sorry I didn't mean to wake you up...Go back to sleep.” He would say as he pushed your hair back gently that was laying on your face. You felt his warm fingertips brush against your cheek and you open your eyes slightly to look at your man, Levi that was up and putting his shirt on. You got up a bit reached out and pulled on the his shirt “Wait...don’t leave.”

He turned around quickly and looked at you, ‘Why does she sound uneasy....?’ He would wonder as he came closer to you and kissed on top of your head. “Silly, I’m not leaving or going anywhere. I’ll be in the kitchen so just rest a bit and I’ll wake you up later on, Hm?” Levi said with a smile, after the war and when you both left Paradise to start a life in the outside world, Levi started to smile more, laugh and be even more affectionate towards you and this warmed your heart. He promised you that he would protect you till the last days even if there was no war anymore and also....promised you to show you more love cause he deiced to spend the rest of his life with you, and he was in progress in doing that!

After a couple of hours, you felt a small rub on your shoulders. “Time to wake up birthday girl” He gave you a warm smile and helped you get out of your shared bed. You felt how gentle, and careful he was for you...he truly did cherish you and loved you a lot, you meant the world to Levi.

As you were brushing your teeth, Levi was brushing your hair and when he was done he would put his arms around your waist and kept kissing your neck until you were done and ready.

Your cheeks were red now and you had a shy look on your face. “Ha, Don't be shy with me Love, it’s just us alone.” He would say and softly rub your arms. “Let’s go then?” and you give him a nod and held on his hand.

When you both went downstairs, you gasped and was taken aback by what you saw. A beautiful breakfast that was set up and prepared for the both of you, a sack of pancakes with fruits that was cut by him, your favorite fruit juice, and there was a vase with a bouquet and you could see a card that was hidden in the beautiful flowers he picked out for you and it was written ‘Happy Birthday my Dearest’

“Wow, you did this for...me?” You would say while giving him a sad expression that almost broke his heart. “Who else?” He said with a sarcastic tone and pulled your hand towards the table. You and Levi enjoyed the breakfast and you both had a good morning filled with laughter.

“Sit down, I’m gonna clean the dishes” you nodded and went to sit on the coach. You then started to feel...a bit anxious? Y/N wondered how the rest of the day would go and you started to think if what Levi did was all worth it?

“Love, what's wrong?” Levi was quick to read your vibe, he approached you from behind, and sensed you were feeling perhaps down. “Nothing...”

“Yea I’m not gonna buy that, tell me....What’s wrong?” Y/N stood up slowly and was looking down, her hair was covering her face and that made Levi quickly go in front of her and held on her shoulders. Tears then started to roll down from your cheeks and Levi pulled you to his chest for a hug. “I-I don’t know why I’m tearing up! But I am feeling as if I have a reason to cry and I usually cry on my birthdays Levi...I’m sorry, it’s probably for nothing.”

“Why are you apologizing?” He hugged you tighter and then proceed to stroke your hair. “These feelings are completely normal, why apologize for it? But it’s okay you don’t need to explain why you are crying love.” Levi waited for y/n to calm down as he caressed her hair, and Y/N pulled her face away from his muscular chest and looked up at him. He gave a small smile to her and wiped her tears “Let’s....make those tears not for ‘nothing’ or for ‘no reason’ to be wasted, but instead let me make those tears a reason for you today. A reason that caused you to smile and laugh today.”

Levi was now looking at you in such a loving way, you could feel all his love, emotions, the way he caressed you, hugged you, touched your hair gently and now holding both of your hands, it warmed your heart. He was indeed a man who was really mature, and has a great deal of empathy towards Y/N. Levi understood your feelings cause of the deep love he had for you. “You are important to me, okay? So, let me make those tears....happy tears instead.”

After a while, Levi told you to get dressed up and ready because he was going to take you somewhere. You both left your apartment that you both shared at the moment and walked down the street, while Levi tightly holding your hand and on the other hand he was carrying a brown paper carrier bag which had something in it. “What’s inside?” “A surprise.”

Later did you know, you both reached a huge garden park and you saw a group of people that you recognized. Your friends! “Everyone!”

As soon as Hanji hear you, Hanji came running towards you and hugged you tightly which was then followed by Jean, Mikasa, Armin and the rest all wishing you a happy birthday!

You then spotted Onyankopn, Falco and Gabi preparing the huge picnic filled with a variety of delicious food and then Levi brought out the cake which he designed and baked just for you.

The whole afternoon was spent with your loved one, friends and you all had such a great time, playing some card games, tennis which Jean and Connie that they brought along with them. You were packed with so many gifts too, and Levi was holding on to your waist and hand the whole time and would sneak in some kisses on your cheek when no one would look. Hanji then talked about how your relationship was going and Levi would suddenly talk really highly of you, and pamper about you then he would mention all of the times you meant a lot to him and he cherished.

The sun started to set and everyone was heading to leave, and Levi held on your hand and you both went to see the sunset while sitting on the bench. You found the sunset really beautiful, but to Levi he thought you were more prettier. He held on your hand and then said while focusing on your eyes “You know...When you are not around, I always crave for your touch. You just make me feel good so I always find myself a chance to hold your hand constantly.” Before you could say anything, he gave you a box that was wrapped with a ribbon. “Open it.” Your eyes widen when you saw the gift, it was Rose Gold Watch and it looked rather expensive but extremely charming. He went closer to you and brought your wrist closer and wore the watch for you. “I knew this would suit you.” Levi smiled again and looked at you, tears were now forming on your eyes but this time...it was happy tears and you gave him a big smile that really warmed his heart. “Thank you Levi, I really love you...” He went closer to you and kissed your cheek which washed away the tears that was rolling down. “I love you more....And didn't I say I would make that happy tears today, Hm? But we aren’t done, your birthday did not end yet”

After you both reached home, you both went to the bedroom and you started to change into your comfy silk nightgown, while Levi took of his shirt and was only...wearing his joggers? ‘Wait...He would only do that if he is in the mood’ You thought as you started to blush slightly.

“Lev-” Your words were taken aback when Levi suddenly embraced you and kept his face in your neck while bring his arms around your waist. “Can...I make you feel good tonight? I want to make your birthday memorable....just for today.”  It was more of a whisper when he said it, and you managed to hear it all even though you could feel his heart beating fast.

Your face was now red, you could feel his back muscle tense up and the detail of it as you caressed his back. You nodded, which Levi sensed and acknowledged, but asked again. “I need to hear your answer love.” He was now looking at you and he held on your shoulders, waiting for a response and he would not let you go until you answered. “Yes Love” You said with certainty and looked back at him which he suddenly blushed with you how you responded. Levi did had a tough and strong personality from the outside, but when it came to moments like these he was really soft and usually shy but tonight he wanted to try his best for you, cause you meant the world to him.

He picked you up and you could feel his biceps around you which you held on as he gently laid you on top of the bed, with Levi being on top of you. He leaned in closer and gave you a kiss on your forehead. “Oi! I can be romantic…So why are you giving me that look?” He said with a smirk and that made you laugh. “Hmm...Prove it then.” You challenged him and that made his ego boost up. He proceeded to kiss all over your face which made you giggle as some of them tickled, and then he stopped and reached the edge of your lips which made both of you open your eyes and gazed into each other, both feeling the affection and attraction. “Shit...it drives me crazy when you look at me that way.” He went and kissed your lips, it was soft, slow and very passionate...you could feel all of his love in that kiss as you held on his biceps while his arms where between you for support.

“Where....else do you want me to kiss you?” He moved closer to you as he whispered near your ear, you felt his hot breathe which made you shiver. “A-Anywhere..” You were a blushing mess right now, but you weren't alone your boyfriend Levi’s face was redder than yours.

“O-Okay....Y/N I’m gonna make sure tonight you feel loved tonight, and I want you to focus right now how good you are and how wonderful you are.” As he said that, your face was burning up, ‘what made Levi say this all?’ you wondered.

He came closer to your neck, and was kissing it...you held on to him and hugged his chest, and he was doing it gently. This then left a small hickey on your neck and he was surprised as it was kind of dark.

“I will leave this mark on you so you can remember my love tonight, and know that you are always in my thoughts Y/N” He brought his hand and caressed your cheek which you held on, “And...when its gone, I’m here to give you another one.”

Perhaps, in the days you cry, there would be sad days, but today was a special day which was your birthday, and that not only gave you any tears but instead happy tears which was cause of Levi giving you the warmest/sweetest comfort and love throughout the whole day and especially the whole evening. You really did love Levi Ackerman.

well i hope you enjoyed this! I tried something new and I really see levi doing this for his s/o especially in days where he wants to make them feel loved and he really tries his best to comfort them <3 I hope you loved this anon and you get to see this and also if anyone else did please leave a like or a reblog! ♡

[wolfvirago]

;; so I had a new thought recently regarding 9/11 and its impact. I won’t go into major detail but I was wondering if you guys ever felt anything similar. (Also I’m super tired so I hope this comes out in a comprehensive way--)

Putting this under a read-more bc I am talking about potentially triggering content.

My thought process all started when, repeatedly, grown-ups would ask “what’s wrong with this generation? Why are kids/young adults so anxious and depressed? Why do some of them act nihilistic?”

I realized, every year, without fail since we were children, we were forced to relive a traumatic event in our history. Many of us are of the generation who didn’t witness 9/11, or we were far too young to remember it happening (i.e. I was 1 year old when it happened). 

9/11 is a wound that the US refuses to let heal. It is a scar the country and media reopens every year, without fail, forcing their students to watch people literally dying in fire and collapsing rubble. They see smoke and ash flood the streets, the screaming, people jumping out of fucking buildings. 

Since then it has set the stage for adults telling us, unintentionally or not, that the world is cruel and full of death. We watch helplessly in real time as our leaders refuse to do the right thing and our parents and grandparents vote-in fascists. Then they ask us “what is wrong with you? Why are you so depressed?”

9/11 was a time we could have been better people, better countrymen. Instead it was an excuse to murder and torture innocents across the sea, and to try and brainwash the children into believing the world is cruel, only the elected and rich leaders can do something about it. Social media hasn’t helped either.

There should be a better way of teaching about 9/11 without the sheer trauma-thon method. We should make these things less accessible to children, who don’t know how to healthily process the big emotions they cause. 

Today I remember and mourn the Americans who were killed in 2001, but I pity the poor Iranian people and other Middle Eastern people who did not deserve to burn for the wrong-doings of the minority. Just like how our country doesn’t deserve to struggle and descend into darkness thanks to the fascist minority in charge.

[doubledgesword-2]

Soulmate Au Part 3

Part 1 and Part 2 are here! Requests for the Adult trio are open!

WARNING DUB-CON AND EXPLICIT SMUT +18 Please do not te upload somewhere else!!

You started to suspect something was wrong with you when you walked deep into the forest, looking to harvest the crops. Your mind screamed at you to keep walking. Walk away from this place and leave them behind. The minute your feet took one step forward, the most intense migraine struck you. You tried to walk forwards and work through the pain, but it became too debilitating to the point your legs gave under you, and your body crumbled to the ground.

Your eyes clenched close, and your body tucked in into a fetal position, your hands clutching your shirt in hopes it would lessen the pain. Suddenly, you heard a rustle behind you, but couldn't really be bothered to turn and look at the disturbance.

"Oh, here you are. I was worried something might have happened" Chrollo came from behind a tree, his coat gracefully moving as he came to stand before your crippled form.

He sat down beside you taking your body into his lap. His hands stroke your hair as tears came down from your eyes.

"(Y/N), this is such a nice and peaceful place you've built" his voice was so calm, and his hands went through your locks with such comfort that you were calming down for a second.

He took a deep breath, eyes close with a smile as if truly enjoying the quiet and the light breeze blowing through. Chrollo leaned down close to you, your body shaking in pain still. His hands petted away a couple of strands of your hair as his lips came close to your ear.

"You weren't thinking of leaving now, were you?"

The tone of his voice made the question feel like a gentle threat. But a threat nonetheless. He kissed your temple and kept running his hands through your hair, breathing in once more, smiling at the sunbeams coming through the leaves and shining down on the two of you.

"I am delighted you have decided to stay with us. It would have broken all our hearts to know you weren't happy here" he looked down at your form, no longer distressed but still slightly shaking and sniffling.

"You are happy here, are you not?"

You nodded weakly in response, and he beamed at you. He picked you up gently, bridal style, while his hand carried the woven basket underneath you.

"Let's go, I'll prepare dinner tonight. Just the two of us, little treasure. All is well".

Chrollo brought you all the way to the cottage, filling the air with casual banter along the way. His excitement grew whenever the prospect of a new book came into the conversation.

"It's very eloquent poetry. I am sure it'll sound melodic coming from your lips".

Chrollo walked into the cottage with you still in his arms. The other two were nowhere to be seen, and it confirmed what he had said: you two were truly alone. Chrollo settled you on the sofa, your fluffy cat meowing around his legs. He crouched to pet the cat's head.

"What are you craving today, love?" Your eyes were close, dried tear streaks under them, but you opened them to see him smiling warmly at you while still petting your cat.

"Chef's choice," you replied simply, trying a smile of your own, but it came out more like a grimace.

"Mmm, hard choice, I'll surprise you then" he gave your forehead a kiss and moved away from your vision line.

After leaving you on the sofa, Chrollo had draped his coat over the chair, washed his hands, and got everything ready for the food. Your eyes were droopy, body tired after your horrific headache, so you drifted off into a nice comfy nap.

A fantastic smell wafted around the house, waking you up to find you have drooled on the decorative pillow. Chrollo was in front of you, smiling at your cute and sleepy face.

You shot up, looking around as if you weren't in your house, and you didn't know who was in front of you. Then it all came back, the realization hit you, and you wiped the drool with the back of your hand. Chrollo chuckled at you and got up to kiss the top of your head, lingering for a second, hugging you to him.

“Dinner is ready, come on love."

A bit disoriented and groggy, you got up and went to the table. Everything was set up with candles surrounding the dinner table and the kitchen. A single rose in a vase was in the middle of the table, the same vase that you had changed the flowers that fateful day they had found you. Chrollo was waiting beside the chair he had pulled out for you. He had a proud smile as you went to sit at the chair, and he gently pushed you in. The whole thing was adorable, and it would have been romantic if you weren't wary of the man. He sat down as well and was looking at you with loving eyes. You pretended he wasn't fixed on you as you took the first bite out of your food.

"I hope it's to your liking. I had never made this one before" he had ended up making your favorite dish, and you were happy to have it; the food was truly delicious.

The fact that he knew your favorite dish shouldn't give you the feeling of dread, and yet it did. You knew the trio had most undoubtedly memorized everything about you, no matter how small the detail was. Still, you couldn't wrap your head around the idea.

"It's delicious, thank you" you forced a smile at him, and he chuckled under his breath, looking down at his own plate.

"You don't have to pretend with me (Y/N). I'm not Hisoka or Illumi; I'm a simple thief but a gentleman at heart. I know you're uncomfortable, and this situation is new to you. I don't blame you".

You looked down to your plate, feeling a bit embarrassed that he noticed your inner turmoil. His words should have offered comfort, but you couldn't feel it or find any. Instead, they further pushed down the heavy stone in your stomach.

"I-I don't know how to feel, still. I'm adjusting, trying to at least" you took another bite and gave him a close-lipped smile as you chewed the food.

Chrollo's dark eyes pierced yours; he wasn't buying it.

"Then perhaps we haven't fully helped you experience love in this relationship," he gave you a closed eye smile and took a mouthful of the food.

You felt shivers run up your spine, body tingling in fear and dread as if you were at the dropping point of a big coaster ride. Your heart beat faster to the point where you started hearing it in your ears.

The door seemed like an excellent option right now.

Your hands went under the table to grip the edge of the chair as you tried to ground yourself back into the moment. 'He didn't say anything. He just made a suggestion with a smile', you told yourself, looking for the logic in his words, and calming yourself. But it wasn't working, you had felt it. Felt the tiniest flare of his aura reach out to you in silent warning. Nothing big but just enough to put you back into place. There were so many meanings behind that little jesting phrase that it made you anxious.

"Are you alright? You seem a little pale" he placed his utensil down, getting out of the chair and crouching near you.

His cold hand reached to your cheek, caressing you and making you look down at him.

"Perhaps some air will do you good," he grabbed both your hands in his and pulled you up and out of the chair.

You were in a slight daze watching him as he placed a coat around you and dressed in his own. Chrollo exited the cottage with you around his arm. The two of you looked like a loving couple taking a stroll in the middle of winter.

As you walked into the forest, passing by trees and bushes taking in the sights under the moonlight, Chrollo pulled a book from inside his coat and handed it to you. You took it. Still, a bit shook but figured some reading might do you good.

"I borrowed it," the way he said borrow told you he meant stole "figured you might like it" he side-eyed you as your doe-like eyes looked up to him in question.

You looked down at the cover seeing it was a very elusive limited edition copy of one of your favorite authors. Your heart skipped a beat, and for once in a long while, you were pleasantly surprised and excited. Your lips pulled into an unconscious smile, and by the time you had noticed you were smiling and tried to hide it with a serious look, Chrollo had already smiled and locked the sight in his mind. You looked precious.

"Why don't you read it out loud. I'm sure it's a good night for some reading if you don't mind?" His suave and smooth voice questioned, but you knew better than to resist him.

So you nodded, muttering a thank you. He nodded back, closing his eyes briefly and then looking back at you with expectation. You opened the first page and started to read the prologue as the two of you walked. Your lips never stuttering a word as you got lost in the story, pulled into it to the point were you forgot his eyes on you.

Chrollo was looking around the trees, admiring the majestic scenery as your words filled the nightly air. He knew your tone was hesitant and scared. You hated reading out loud and especially to him. You'd told him it was something about the sound of your voice in your ears. But he loved it. The way you pronounced or mispronounced words made his heart flutter. How your tone changed when you got lost in the narrative and started muttering small comments for the characters under your breath. Your little mannerisms made you adorable in his eyes, and the more he looked at you, the more he wanted.

He wasn't satisfied.

At the beginning of his relationship with Hisoka, there were some bumps he had to overcome when it came to the clown. But once he did, he could say he came to love the jester. When Illumi came into the picture as his second soulmate, he was a bit surprised. He, at some point, even doubted the assassin could actually be capable of emoting or loving. But one night, when they were all together tucked away in a vacation home right in front of the beach, he realized something about themselves.

He was sitting on a comfy armchair sofa in the balcony, book in hand, a glass of wine resting on its wooden arm. The sun was setting as cliche as it may sound, but his eyes rested on the page's words. When suddenly, he felt a head fall on his lap.

Assuming it was Hisoka, he didn't even glance down in hopes of secretly riling him up. Though curiosity got the better of him, so his eyes did glance down, and he was surprised. On his lap, long black hair fanned across it, was Illumi with his eyes close and a peaceful expression on his face.

Chrollo's heart fluttered.

He felt his cheeks heat up as he stole glances of the assassin. He almost closed the book, but he was afraid the sound would shake the scene and make the Illumi leave. So he kept pretending to read, not being able to fully concentrate with the comforting weight of Illumi on his lap.

They bonded after that, growing closer together. Hisoka was proud of them. The troupe had always been his family but getting to feel this kind of love was different.

That's when he realized soulmates were meant to be together for a reason. So when your name appeared on their skin out of nowhere, he knew they had to find you. You were not being loved as you should. That's why he understands your apprehension and your wariness of them. They're not exactly good in lawful standards, and their moral compasses might be slightly broken. But if there's one thing they know for sure, loving you is one of their main goals.

You just need to see it.

"As soon-"your reading got interrupted by a pair of lips on yours.

Chrollo's hands grabbed both sides of your face and brought you close for a fevered kiss. The book fell out of your hands as they came to rest on his arms.

"I couldn't resist," he mumbled out of breath against your lips. You, on the other hand, were freaking out a bit.

The fact that you were in the middle of a clearing in the forest was making you anxious. Chrollo dived in again, looking for your lips, but you turned your face away bashfully. You looked down to the grass seeing the book and bending down to pick it up as if he hadn't just kissed away your breath.

He was a bit hurt, but he had to remember that you weren't like them. You needed a little more coaxing to come out of your shell. He would help.

You straightened, inspecting the book for any creases or tears in the pages. You dusted away some dirt, closing the book delicately and looking up at Chrollo.

You frowned at the sight. Not that it wasn't a pleasant one, he was handsome and pretty, but you weren't buying it. At some point, you were pretty sure you were in soulmate denial.

"What are you doing?" You asked meekly, seeing as he had shaken away his coat and was shirtless at the moment.

Your fight or flight sense was glaring up, and you hugged the book to your stomach. Chollo placed his coat in the grass, open as if it was a picnic blanket. He turned to eye you, his eyes no longer cold.

"I know you're afraid, but there's nothing to be afraid of. Let me show you just how much I love you," that was your cue.

He took a step, and you mirrored him taking one back. This made him slightly tilt his head to the side, the look playfully menacing. Chrollo took another step and your nen flared up in warning, this time stronger than the last time you had tried this. He looked proud instead of intimidated, and it angered you.

The loving way he looked at your nen didn't help your case, and so you attacked. Your nen moved fast, striking the spot where he was. But he was fast, as quick as Hisoka, and that was a disadvantage to you.

Chrollo had suddenly disappeared and left you in the middle of the clearing. You leaned down to quickly put the book out of harm's way and then stood in attention. The moon shone brightly on you, giving your dangerous look and angelic glow. He could've groaned and moaned out loud just like Hisoka would've done, but he bit his lip instead, looking at you through the foliage.

Your ears were strained, searching for any noise as little as it may be. But there was no noise when he came, fast and swift bringing you down. The two of you rolled around on the grass, he chuckled as you winded up, straddling him. Your face scrunched up in concentration. His hand lifted to your cheek, caressing it, which made you flinch for a second. Chrollo then flipped the two of you, causing you to shriek at the suddenness. He pinned down your wrists, bringing them beside your head. Your wide-eyed looked at him startled, yet something was growing in your stomach's pit.

"You're getting better. Illumi should be proud," he leaned down, bringing his lips close to your ear. "Your nen is worth stealing, I wouldn't mind, if it meant keeping you as well" he bit your earlobe, making you bite your lips.

You tried to wriggle your wrists out of his hold, but his hands tightened around them. Chrollo started kissing your neck, nibbling and sucking his way down your collarbone. Still, you kept muffling your noises, biting your lip, and holding your tongue.

He wouldn't have it. Chrollo bit down in between your neck and shoulder, making you moan loudly.

"That's more like it," he chuckled against the spot soothing it with a lick and kiss, "Do you think I could steal some more noises from your lips?" He asked, bringing his lips close to yours.

"Would you let me?" You could feel his breath on your lips as he talked.

Chrollo kissed you hard, tongue poking your entrance and biting your lower lip so you wouldn't deny him. He sucked on your tongue, relishing in your futile attempts to keep quiet. His hips started grinding slowly into yours, pressing down his hard-on on your clothed spot. He was only wearing his pants, back and chest bared under the moonlight and shining with a thin layer of sweat. He separated for some air, leaving you a bit dazed and fuzzy. His hands coming down to your clothes gripping your shirt and tugging at it. That jerked you up from your state, making you gasp, your hands coming to his own grabbing them. You tried to pull them away from you, but he took both of your wrists in one of his hands and pinned them hard on the ground.

You groaned at the slight pain, and he took the opportunity of your raised arms to slide the shirt up and jumble it around your hands in makeshift bounds. He smiled down at your bra and the way your brows scrunched up in struggle. Your fight was strong, but he was stronger.

Chrollo leaned down to your chest, kissing the curve of your breast pressed on the bra. He bit down on the mound, making you groan.

"You're so soft, so beautiful," he whispered to your chest as his hand slipped the breast out of the bra. He massages the nipple, head dipping, and licking the other to attention. You started squirming under him, bringing your tied hands to stop him but ended up hugging his head closer to your chest, a moaning mess.

A fire was rising in between your legs, and you felt the electricity go down your spine.

'What were they doing to you?!' You screamed in your mind trying to fight the feeling.

Chrollo's hand left your mound, his mouth kept sucking on the other, as he sneaked down to your waistline. You had been wearing a comfortable attire since it was a bit hot, and you were tending to the crops today before your accident. He easily slipped down and into your panties. His calloused and experienced hands didn't waste any time and felt your slit. He smirked when he found you wet, but not enough for him. Chrollo gathered some slick and gently rubbed on your hooded pearl. You jerked under him, muffling a moan by biting your lip. His lips left your peak, glistening and wet under the dim moonlight. He went to the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent, and planting open-mouthed kisses as his other hand maintained a steady rhythm on your nub. He didn't change the speed, going in gentle circles on your bundle of nerves.

You were getting desperate, feeling the pleasure rising in you, and pushing shame to the back of your mind. Your hips bucked unconsciously, and he tutted you like a child, smiling in victory against your neck with closed eyes.

"Tch, tch, tch, not yet, I think you deserve some punishment for being so stubborn with me" he bit your earlobe, making you whine in response.

Your body struggled against him, but he let his weight drop on you, making you stay still. Chrollo's hand then went quicker and quicker, driving you deep into pleasure but not all the way. You whined again, trying to move away from his hand, but he went faster. Suddenly you felt the ice-cold rush from the tip of your toes to your core, pleasure flooding your system like a wave. Your body shook under his, toes curling, and you let out a moan closing your eyes at all the sensations.

Chrollo groaned with you, his pants too tight for comfort. He grinned against you softly and sat up, still straddling you. In your high, you didn't felt as he pulled the rest of your clothes down and his arousal out, the tip an angry red as he stroke it, shuddering under the feeling. He then pushed into you, making you gasp and open your eyes wide to the see him. His eyes closed, and he bit his lip briefly. Then his dark eyes opened slowly, looking down at you in adoration. His mouth was slightly opened, breathing heavily at the feeling of your warmth engulfing him. Hair was falling sideways and forwards, almost covering the cross on his forehead. The light glowing behind him gave him a surreal look and feel.

It was euphoric.

You moaned, and he started moving slowly, leaning over you to capture your lips as he sped up. His hands were beside your head, supporting his body as he rocked with you. He rested on his forearms, bringing himself closer to you as he changed speed and slowly rolled his hips, making you feel everything.

"I love you so much," he whispered into your cheek, kissing it afterward.

Chrollo groaned lowly when he bumped into a special spot that made you clench hard around him. You moaned.

"Found it," he chuckled low, speeding up and hitting the same spot over and over.

Your hips buckled, meeting his as he sat up. He gave you a half-lidded look, smiling at you. His hands came to rest on your hips, pressing them down as he rammed inside you. He couldn't take how good you felt, your same walls gripping him and becoming him deeper. He complied, going faster and deeper, making you moan and whine. Chrollo's hand sneaked to your hooded pearl, rubbing it at matching speed with his thrusts.

Your body jerked, heat, and cold consuming you at equal measure. Your body glistened with sweat under the moonlight, making you glow and shine like a jewel worth stealing. Chrollo bit his lip at the picture, wishing he could just have it to look at it all the time. Instead, he committed it to memory, his hand rubbing your nub furiously.

Suddenly your body arched beautifully, your breasts offered to him as you came with a shriek. Pleasure flooded you, making you twitch and shake. He joined you with a groan, head thrown back as his body arched as well, driving his length deep inside you, releasing all of himself into you. Your walls massage him as he thrusts slowly.

The two of you panted heavily.

Chrollo's hands were beside your head, supporting his body as he caught his breath. He looked down at you, your skin looking perfect under the lighting, your lips puffy and slightly opened as your naked chest heaved, making your breasts move up and down. You looked gorgeous, and he couldn't ask for more. He was satisfied, and a sense of fullness filled him at the moment.

He pulled out, making your face scrunch up in pain at the slight discomfort of the tenderness. Tucking himself back in his pants, he zipped them up and laid down beside you. He undid the mess around your wrists, and you pulled them down beside your body, resting the aching muscles. His head was supported on his hand as he laid on his side, looking at you in love. Your eyes were closed, and you seemed to be calm, almost sleeping.

His fingers came to lay on your stomach. The ginger touch made you jump slightly at the suddenness, but otherwise, your eyes remained closed. They moved around your form, tracing your marks, your waves, the way your mounds curved into your chest, your collarbone, and finally, they came to rest on your neck. He caresses it with the back of his hand, coming up to your cheek and staying there.

You opened your eyes slightly, looking at him through a tired glaze. Chrollo smiles warmly, coming close to peck your lips. He pulled the coat around your form, covering you from the night's chill, and gathered you in his arms.

Chrollo stopped to pick up the book you had neatly placed away from the mess and chaos. Smirking at your thoughtfulness. He gave you the book or at least propped it on your stomach as your sleepy form was losing the fight. He carried you all the way back to the cottage, where he placed you on the bed. You turned to the side, and he petted your hair, kissing your head. He came back to put the leftover food away and the dishes in the sink, making sure to turn off the candles. Your cat was eagerly following him like he had treats in his pockets.

Chrollo went back to the room, taking off the rest of his clothes and stripping you of this coat. He draped it on your vanity, the rest of the clothes scattered in a corner of the room. Your fluffy black cat went to them, kneading the fabric and then laying on top.

Chrollo pulled the covers back and brought you close to him, pulling the two of you under the sheets. He snuggled closer to you, the two of you naked as the day you were born. He pressed a kiss to the back of your ear, nuzzling your neck afterward and then resting on top of your head.

"Sleep well, my love," mutters, and you reply with your own muffled and unintelligible goodnight. He smiled, closing his eyes in bliss.

He couldn't wait for the morning to do it all over again.

[divinefireangel]

I'll Take Care Of You.

SF9 Taeyang x GN! Reader Fluff.

Disclaimer: This is just a work of fiction. If this piece of fan fiction is offensive to any celebrity, fandom or culture please let me know so I can take it down. Also note that this is my version of a character or celeb, which will vary from person to person.

Author's Note: I hope this helps you Rosie. I'm sorry that you've been going through such a hard time. But I promise you it gets better. Also sadly I may have included things I do when I have bad anxiety 🥺

Copyright: Please note that this is my work and if you want to publish this on any other platform, take my permission before doing so. Taking an author's work and posting it somewhere else without any intimation is just disrespectful. I readily welcome suggestions and criticisms. That being said, Happy reading! 🤍

Warnings: 15+ ages and all readers (nothing specified with respect to gender, appearance, etc of reader). They/them pronouns used. Anxiety, mention of not eating properly, just overall lack of selfcare. Angsty fluff ig? Lmk if I need to add more. Not proof read, pls ignore any mistakes.

Requested: Yes. By our loveliest @fantasywritings 🥺💛

Can I request a taeyang comfort scenario? I’ve been having a real tough week, my anxiety has been quite bad huhu

1.2k Words

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

" Really Y/N this isn't that difficult. You should know this. It's fine. Just do better next time. "

Do better. Next time. How many next times. Closing their eyes, Y/N took in a shaky breath, absorbing the words that were said to them. Blinking the tears away, Y/N slowly began to pack their stuff to go home. To say that this was probably one of the worst weeks of their life, would be right. Work hadn't been going really well. Neither was their mental health.

Every single minor thing that happened only seemed to make their anxious state worse. They weren't able to eat or sleep properly, barely having energy most days to get up in the morning. And to do work in such a state of mind is so tiring. Feeling overwhelmed, not up to the mark, doing things they're supposed to be good at really badly, didn't help either.

Getting on the bus, Y/N started to make their way home. After days of waiting, finally, hopefully, Y/N can find peace in their boyfriend's embrace. He was busy with Kingdom, Y/N knows it's important so they didn't disturb Taeyang with their problems. But how long can they hide their problems from the one they love.

Even when he was stressed, Taeyang always provided comfort and hope to others. That happens when you are in touch with your emotions I guess. He's always been their rock. Keeping them grounded, in touch with reality, not letting them slip away into the prison in their mind. The physical distance that just happened due to packed schedules and improper planning made the lovers miss each other even when they lived in the same home.

It's around 8:10pm. He won't be home yet. Sniffing Y/N enters their shared home. Taeyang froze. Sniffing? Crying? His baby? His light? Turning the stove off, he slowly walked out to the front door, where Y/N was crouched down on the ground, crying from feeling so many emotions at once. Looking at his curled lover on the floor, Taeyang's heart ached. Were they really going through so much pain alone? Why didn't they tell him what was going on?

Kneeling down, Tae gently touched their hair, patting it softly, kissing their hair once. Lifting their head, Y/N looked at Tae, with tear filled glossy eyes. He was here. He's here. Staring at him, Y/N couldn't help but let all their defences down, letting all their tears fall, allowing themselves to be so vulnerable to him. Tae hugged Y/N's shaky figure, trying his best not to cry too. Petting their head, Taeyang slowly helped them get on their feet, romoving their coat and bag.

Fully embracing their body in his arms, Taeyang nuzzled his face into them, silently telling them, " It's okay. I got you. I'm here now. You can let all your emotions out to me. On me. I'll take care of you. "

Hugging him tighter, Y/N cried and cried till there were no tears in their eyes, body visibly shaking from the pain they had felt and endured alone for the past week. Softly playing his chin on their head, Tae started to hum a faint tune. An action that always calmed Y/N. Rubbing her shoulders, Taeyang pulls away, just enough to look Y/N in the eyes, puffy, red, pain filled eyes. Placing a delicate kiss on their head, Taeyang cradled his lover's face in his palms.

" What happened? Do you want to talk about it? " Shaking their head no, Y/N looked down, feeling tears approaching the brim of their eyes again. Moving their face to his chest, Tae pecked their head again.

" Did you eat something today? Did you drink water? " Y/N hesitated to answer. The truth is, they didn't really know of what they ate would be classified as a meal. But Taeyang knew. He wasn't disappointed. He understood. He always does. Lifting their head from his chest, he kissed the tip of their nose and brought them to the kitchen.

Making them sit on the counter, Taeyang went to the fridge to get a water bottle and some cut apple slices. Opening the bottle, he made them drink water, like a parent does to their child. " Do you want to eat? " He questions, not wanting to make things worse by forcing them to eat right now.

" Not really. " They replied with a small voice. Nodding his head, Taeyang hugs Y/N again.

" I know I haven't been around much this week. Especially for you. And I know that you understand. But next time, please tell me when it gets too much. I love you. I can always make time for you in my schedule. You are the most important thing to me. You never have to go through this alone. Not when I'm here. I love you too much to see you in pain baby. "

Gripping his shirt, Y/N breathes into his neck, calming down listening to his soft voice and reassuring words.

" You are so brave. I'm proud of you. I don't know how you manage to endure so much for so long. But please. You don't ever have to go through this alone again. Tell me what's going on. Talk to me. About everything. I am here for you at any time or any and every day. "

Moving their head up and down they pull away looking at their beautiful boyfriend. His pretty face, perfect nose, soft parted lips, his freshly washed hair, his love filled concerned eyes. He's here. He will always be here. He is your rock. He grounds you. Noticing their breathing has come back to normal, Taeyang lifts them off the kitchen counter. Grabbing their hand, he leads them to their bedroom, making them sit on the bed as he goes to the closet to find them comfortable clothes to wear.

Getting them a pair of shorts and one of his shirts, he helps them out of their outside clothing and into the ones he picked out. Taking them slowly to the washroom, he undoes their hair and wipes their face with a wet towel. All while smiling at them. Once he's done, he pinches the Apple of their cheeks lovingly before taking them to bed, tucking them in.

" Sleep for some time. I'll finish making dinner and wake you up. Okay? " He says, not expecting an answer. Leaning down towards their face, Tae places small kisses all over. Kissing their forehead, eyebrows, fluttering eyelids, the sides of their face, their nose, cheeks and finally a sweet kiss on their lips. Stroking their temple with his thumb he stay in that position for a while, till his lover is asleep.

Life can get hard sometimes. Hard enough to not be able to wake up or do the minimal necessary things. But that's okay. It doesn't make you any less worthy of anything. But pain is temporary. Fear is temporary. And feeling overwhelmed is normal. It's human. You are human. But you also have the strength to get through difficult times. You've done it before, you can do it again, no matter how hard it gets. That's what it is to be human right?

[aminiatureworld]

A Little Rest II

Characters: Xiao, Zhongli, gn!reader

Word Count: 2,104 

Warnings: Swearing

Premise: Sometimes life is just unbearably tiring. And a comforting shoulder can be the perfect substitute pillow. In which the reader falls asleep on their partner.

Author’s Note: Second part!!! I realize the first didn’t get a ton of traction, unfortunately, but hopefully, this’ll still be welcomed. I realize since most of these are basically pseudo fics, would you guys prefer it to be bullet-pointed or paragraphed? I’m just wondering if one format is easier or more pleasant to read than the other. 

Also, adepti’s rules and personal needs are kinda nebulous to me so I sort of made them up myself. Watches also weren’t a thing until the 1800s, and specifically didn’t really become a thing in China until the mid-20th century. But this is fantasy so I do what I want.

Xiao

You loved Xiao more than you could say. Every little moment spent with him made your heart flutter, every habit of his that you’d noticed, every little way he revealed his soul to you.

It seemed so improbable to you sometimes, than an adeptus, someone so very disconnected from the world of humans, should choose to love you. Although Xiao would never let you think you were any lesser than him, would never let his nature put you down, you were still somewhat in awe of the whole setup, and little reminders of his adepti status often brought you back to when you two had first begun to fall in love, when Xiao had explained that he didn’t quite understand the human way of life.

And one of those things that he didn’t understand appeared to be the concept of sleep itself.

It wasn’t that Xiao didn’t know what sleep was. Nor was he unable to sleep, he once told you. Theoretically he could sit down and take a nap much like any normal human. It was more that he didn’t need to sleep, and didn’t see the need to do something that took up so much time and left one so vulnerable.

Not that he didn’t pay attention to your needs; he wasn’t about to disrupt your sleep schedule on purpose, in fact you often joked that Xiao cared more about your rest than you did. It was only that, after spending so many years simply not thinking about things like sleep, it became hard for him to suddenly remember that he had a partner who needed said sleep every day. And a day was oh so short in Xiao’s mind.

It was a beautiful evening at the Wangshu Inn. The air was warm without being stifling and a breeze blew, light and cool. You were on the roof with Xiao, the place that had become your normal meeting spot. For as much as Xiao adored you with every fiber of his soul, he was still an adeptus, and his comfort level around most humans was that of an anxious cat – always ready to bolt.

Besides, the roof of the Inn was such a lovely place to relax. You gazed at Xiao’s profile as he looked up at the stars, noticing the way that the wind ruffled his hair slightly, the way his posture seemed so relaxed, so comfortable. One of his hands was clasping yours, fingers linked together, his palm nice and warm; the other pointed out constellations to you, each bearing a story, some which had long been forgotten by the residents of Liyue.

It wasn’t often that Xiao was so talkative, so open. Although he still barely mentioned his past – keeping that part of himself shut away with only the occasional crack through which you might learn of his sorrows – he’d become much more willing to disclose his everyday thoughts to you, as well as share stories that he knew. The latter was something you always loved to listen to, not just because the stories he told were always interesting and so full of life, but also because they gave you the sense of knowing him better, something that always made you happy.

Unfortunately, tonight was one night where, though you were more than happy to listen to Xiao talk about the stars, you were kind of dying of fatigue. A headache slipped in and out of your consciousness, and you found it more and more difficult to concentrate on Xiao’s words, finding they were all melting together into some semi-coherent monologue.

Your fatigue must’ve been very apparent, for when Xiao glanced over at you his whole demeanor changed; the carefree look on his face was gone, replaced with one of slight confusion and definitive worry. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine!” You shook your head. “Just a bit tired, that’s all.”

“Then you should rest.” Xiao squeezed your hand slightly before moving to stand up. However, as tired as you were, you cared more about spending time with him, and weren’t about to cut said time short.

“Wait!” You exclaimed, causing Xiao to pause, looking at you in a puzzled way. You smiled, slightly sheepish, but pressed forward. “I’ll be fine. If you don’t mind though, may I, uh, may I lay my head on your shoulder.” You gazed up at him, but inside you were struck with the urge to suddenly look away. Xiao was still a bit reticent with affection, not that it bothered you. He’d told you that he was simply unused to it, not averse to it. You weren’t about to pressure him into anything though, no matter the cause, and thus you waited for his response, hoping your expression conveyed that it’d be perfectly fine if he declined.

Your worries proved to be without ground however, for Xiao’s expression grew only fonder. Lying back down he gestured towards you. You gladly scooted closer to him, laying your head on his shoulder, hand once more in his. “You were saying about the boar constellation.” You murmured.

Xiao smiled, kissing the top of your head, before once more going on speaking about the stars. You smiled too, allowing his stories to carry you off to sleep, your head already swirling with half formed dreams about creatures who walked among the stars.

Xiao listened to your breathing even out, still talking a little after it seemed you’d dozed off, making sure that the sudden stop of his voice didn’t wake you up.

Gazing down at your peaceful face he pondered for a moment how much his life had changed so quickly. Even a month ago the idea that he would become friends with a human seemed impossible, much less that he would fall in love with one.

When he’d first met you it was as if something that had been frozen inside him for a long time began to thaw. He was terrified at first, terrified of you, terrified of himself, terrified of the unknown that loomed before him like a vast chasm. It had taken every ounce of courage to hold your hand at first, and every ounce of courage for every step after that.

But he would do it again if he had to, for being with you was the best part of his long, often cruel life. And he would do anything to protect you, anything to make sure you were comfortable and happy and healthy.

“Goodnight.” He spoke softly. Up above the stars kept silent vigil along with him. Tomorrow would be a bright new day, but for now he was simply going to enjoy the moment he’d been given with you.

 Zhongli

For someone who’d lived thousands of years, you’d think Zhongli would remember that tea had to be decaffeinated sometimes.

Not that you could really blame him for forgetting. After all it’s not like he needed to pay attention to whether or not his tea was caffeinated. To one of the Seven sleep was something more akin to a perk than a necessity. Sure, it was nice to sleep. But it’s not like Zhongli was going to feel regret if he accidentally downed five cups of tea right before midnight and spent the rest of night starting at the ceiling, wondering where he went wrong.

Unfortunately, you were definitively not a god, and did, in fact, need sleep. So, when you found yourself staring out the window at 5 am, having long come to the conclusion that sleep was just not going to happen, the emotion going through your mind was something more akin to: “Oh. Fuck.”

This turned into an “Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me” when you saw the list of your daily commissions. Yeah, someone had to go to Jueyun Karst and Qingyun Peak to collect Cor Lapis, and considering your relationship with Zhongli and the adepti it should’ve been unsurprising that you were going to be the one to do it. But your sleep addled brain was having a difficult time processing things logically, and all you saw when you looked at the list Katheryne gave you was the fact that today was going to hurt.

Your prediction turned out to be only too true. No adepti came to ask why you were mining outside their front doors – honestly what would you even respond to something like that – but the amount of treasure hunters that ran into you began to feel less like a likely coincidence, considering the location, and more like a targeted attack. Thankfully there was nothing you couldn’t handle, but by the end of your expedition you were more than ready to go home and take a nap.

Hurrying through the rest of your day, barely responding to the people you interacted with, by the time you’d finally finished up with your adventuring duties you felt like the most irritated person on the planet.

Arriving home, throwing your pack haphazardly onto the floor you almost tripped and fell flat on your face in your hurry to get to the bedroom. Not bothering to take off your adventuring gear you threw yourself onto the bed and quickly found yourself lost in long overdue sleep.

Zhongli glanced at his watch, frowning as he saw the lateness of the hour. The sun was already beginning to set, and though he’d walked as fast as possible, he still found himself feeling vaguely guilty about being so late. You two hadn’t spoken much in the morning, you’d seemed a bit restless and hurried out right after breakfast, so Zhongli was anxious to spend as much time with you after work as possible.

“Darling?” He called out, walking into the home you two shared. He glanced around uncertainly, surprised that you hadn’t greeted him at the door. The sight of your pack sprawled about the hallway only made him more confused, and vaguely alarmed, and he hurried down the hall, checking each room to see if you were there.

His worry immediately faded upon seeing you, curled up above the covers, evidently fast asleep. Unsure as to whether or not to wake you up he instead headed towards the kitchen, thinking you might like something when you got up.

You woke up in the dark, something that surprised you. You’d been out for a long time. Seeing that the door had been opened you shuffled down the hall, still a bit groggy from the extended nap you’d just taken.

Zhongli smiled as you entered the kitchen. “Did you have a good nap my darling?” He asked, kissing you on the forehead. You nodded sleepily, propping yourself up by your elbows on the counter. Zhongli chuckled. “Here, something to warm you up.”

Yours eyes widened as the cup of tea was placed in front of you. For a moment there was silence, then you glanced back at him.

“Zhongli?”

“Yes?”

“Uhm, is this tea, well, does it by any chance have caffeine in it?”

The look on Zhongli’s face was enough to make you burst into giggles. Perplexion melted into realization, which evidently caused some sort of embarrassment, for the former god blushed a bright shade of red before bringing his hand to cover his mouth.

“Ah, I see. That’s why you were so tired this morning.”

“It’s alright.” You finally replied, the initial fit of giggles having passed. “I know that you don’t have to think about these sorts of things normally. Only me making the same mistake two times in a row would be a bit hilarious, wouldn’t you think” You placed a kiss on Zhongli’s cheek, finally causing him to calm down a bit.

“I suppose you’re right. I’m sorry. Next time I promise to pay more attention.”

“Thank you.” You smiled, fatigue coming back after the initial burst of energy. Leaning into Zhongli’s neck you sighed slightly.

“Still tired?” Zhongli asked, voice soft and caring.

“Yeah, a bit.” You admitted. Zhongli nodded, before scooping you up.

Carrying you over to the couch you both settled in a bit. Zhongli began humming a sort of lullaby, and you smiled despite yourself. “You’re too good for me.” You mumbled.

“Nonsense.” Came Zhongli’s reply, just as full of love and affection. “You’re too good for me. And I won’t hear otherwise.”

“If you say so.” You replied, too tired to really fire back, already drifting off.

“I do. It’s only the truth.” And with that he began to hum again. As you fell asleep one last thought lingered in your mind.

If such contentment comes from staying up too late, then I’d be glad to do it again.

[honestlywtfisgoingon]

A Match Set

Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Pairing: Benny Watts x Reader

Summary: After meeting one night in New York, you and Benny Watts are drawn to each other. As you go through different experiences with one another, you grow closer until it finally gets to be too much for Benny.

Word Count: 2685 Damn

Warnings: Alcohol and also a little sad?

Notes: hehe the plot continues... also please give feedback I’m still new to writing and can use the help 🥺

Your first date with Benny was like all your experiences with Benny. It started out ordinary, and ended up somewhere completely different.

He took you to a small cafe, one of those hidden spots known only to New York natives.

You and Benny sat down in a little corner of your own, and you felt an imbalance when he didn’t look nervous at all. After you ordered you relaxed a bit, finding out that he was just as anxious as you were. Sure, Benny had an incredible poker face, but the way he kept tapping his cheek while he leaned his chin on his hand had been the tell.

On the outside it looked as though the two of you were on a regular date, exchanging all the usual smiles and small flirtations, but that’s where it got a little more interesting.

Benny wasn’t conventional and didn’t care to be, and you were always trying to get past the surface of things. Neither of you cared for menial small talk, and instead went straight into a passionate exchange of thoughts and views. You ended up talking like you had known each other for years. There was a connection there, an obvious chemistry that you hadn’t found before.

There was a second date after that, and it was even better than the last. He had taken you to dinner that time, and once again you found yourselves falling back into discussion about various thoughts and ideas, nothing boring or ordinary.

As you cracked jokes back and forth and learned more about each other, you had a warm feeling. You recognized that for all these last few months, being with Benny was the first time you really felt at home in New York.

That was before, but this is now. Now is when a part of you shattered. Now is just after you got a devastating call that your father was sick.

“Thank you,” you said before hearing the click of placing the phone back on the receiver.

Thank you for what? You were just told your father was dying and you were supposed to say thank you? You had finally gotten the chance to go beyond your small town, thinking everything at home was safe, that it was taken care of. It was your father that convinced you of that.

Living where you did had it’s limits, and there wasn’t much for you there. He pushed you to get out and explore, telling you that you didn’t need to worry about him.

You were taken from your thoughts when you looked at the time, realizing Benny would be picking you up soon. You could’ve canceled, considering the recent circumstances, but you were grasping for normalcy at the moment, trying to shove away the awful reality you were just hit with. You told yourself it wasn’t because you were running away, you were just being considerate of benny. Yes, you were just being considerate. That meant you could push off thinking about all this until you got home.

This time, you and Benny were walking together in Central Park, and you were trying to pay attention to what he was saying as best you could.

“Hey, y/n?” You heard benny’s voice break through the numbness.

“Sorry, what?” You were embarrassed that he caught you blatantly ignoring what he was saying.

“I was asking if you were able to come to to the championship, but I think you’ve got other things on your mind.” He didn’t seem offended, more concerned.

“I’d love to, I know how important chess is for you, and I haven’t gotten the chance to see you get really competitive.” He would’ve been happier to hear your answer had he not seen straight though you.

“Right now, you’re what’s really important to me. Just tell me what’s really going on.” His admittance for caring about you would’ve made filled your heart yesterday, but today it made you want to run away.

“Nothing is going on.”

“You’ve been off the whole day, I just want to know why.”

“Nothing is going on. Why are you so convinced that there is?” Your tone became slightly more aggressive.

“Hey, you don’t have to tell me right-“

“Just leave it Benny!” You snapped, letting go of his hand and and walking away from him. You didn’t know why you took off from someone you liked so much, but you didn’t really know why anything was happening at all.

You were stopped as Benny ran after you and grabbed you hand firmly. You tried to pull away, but he was stronger than you. He spun you around to face him. You became acutely aware of the tears that had started to fall from your eyes. Looking up into his eyes was your breaking point.

You let out a sob before caving into him. You felt his arms wrap around you before letting him usher you to a bench. He held you for what seemed like forever, until you were too tired to cry anymore. He was rubbing you back and gave you a little smile when you faced him. You apologized and hastily wiped away your tears, but he insisted that it was ridiculous of you to be sorry. You still felt guilty after your breakdown, so you explained what was going on to make it up to Benny. You couldn’t exactly run away anymore, physically or emotionally.

“It’s my dad. I got a call this morning. He’s sick, but he wants me to stay here. How am I supposed to stay here, dealing with a new job, a new life really, while my dad’s back home dying?” You let Benny see all the stress you were under, ready for him to leave now that he’s seen you as a mess.

“All those things, you have to take one at a time. If your dad’s what’s important right now, just focus on that.” It was easier said than done, but Benny wasn’t the emotional type and he didn’t know exactly what to say, but he cared, that much was clear. You just nodded, trying to pull yourself back together. “Are you going to listen to him? Are you going to stay here?” You could tell that behind his question, he was scared that you would say no.

“I- I don’t know yet.”

“Whatever you need, I’m here.” He said as he gently placed a hand on your cheek. It was smooth and warm and you wanted to lean into it, but you snapped out of it.

“Maybe what we both need is for you not to here.” You didn’t want to hurt him, but your walls had rushed back up. You had so many things going on, and the last thing you needed was a boyfriend. It pained you to say it, but you wanted to be honest.

“I don’t have to be here as... whatever we have going on now... but I can be here as a friend.” As of today, romance was off the table for you, but a friend was different, and Benny wasn’t the type to let go of you so easily, even if a friendship was all he could get.

You just nodded and looked down into your lap, not knowing what to do now. Benny knew it was time for silence, so he held your face in his hands so you looked up at him. He didn’t say anything as he used the pads of his thumbs to wipe away the tears sitting on your cheeks. It wasn’t a romantic act, it was more endearing, a quiet action as if to say that he was willing to catch you if you fell.

You let out a small laugh at his little gesture. His eyes radiated a sort of comfort now that you he was edging into a part of your life that even you avoided.

With the intention of continuing your date that wasn’t really a date anymore, he grabbed your hand to pull you up from the bench. When he tried to let go, you didn’t let him. He looked at you curiously but he didn’t question it. You didn’t even know why you did it, still mentally screaming to push him away. You both just ended up going along with it, holding hands for the rest of the day until he walked you back home.

Nearly 3 weeks had passed since then and you hadn’t gone out or had contact with anyone. Despite your moment with Benny, you had still distanced yourself from him. Holed up in your apartment, existing off of gin, cigarettes, and frozen foods; ignoring calls, presumably from your friends.

You sat in the middle of the living room floor, forcing yourself to sketch. It had been therapeutic for you before, but now you found yourself more agitated as your drawings felt forced.

“Argh!” You yelled out into the room as you threw the papers across the floor. The one thing that you could always turn to was your ability to do art, and now you felt a block.

After taking a swig of gin, you laid back on the floor. You had turned to alcohol after another call with your father. He demanded that you stay in New York and that you go on with your life. Instead you felt like you were at a standstill, unable to keep going knowing that the one person left in your life wouldn’t make it another couple of months, and yet you were unable to see him. It made you hurt and angry that he didn’t want you home, but you wouldn’t go against his dying wishes.

You groaned when you heard the sound of the phone. You dragged your hands across your face when it wouldn’t stop ringing, forcing yourself up to confront whoever was pestering you.

“What the fuck!”

“Glad to know you’re alive.” Bennys voice greeted you.

“Can’t you tell when someone wants to be alone?” You missed Benny, but you were slightly drunk and your defenses were up.

“What someone wants and what someone needs are two very different things.”

“Well then tell me what I need.” You said sarcastically.

“You should come out with us. We’ve been calling, Cleo and Annette and the rest of us. We haven’t heard from you.”

“Well the reason you haven’t heard from me is because I haven’t been answering.”

“Funny,” he said humorlessly, “we all miss you.” He paused, “I miss you. And I said I’d always be here so I have to make good on my promise.”

You paused. You had to admit, you missed them and Benny too, but everything just seemed so scary right now. For all your philosophies and ideas, you were hiding from your own thoughts. Going out with people would only expose them.

“I can’t.”

“You don’t have to have a night out, but have coffee with me at least.”

“Benny I-“

“Great. I’ll be there in five.”

“What? Benny no-“ He hung up. The bastard hung up on you. His audacity was what actually made you laugh for the first time in days. After a minute of laying on the floor, you gathered energy to trudge over to the bathroom and make an attempt to clean yourself up. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you made a grimace at your reflection. You brushed your hair and washed your face, brushing your teeth twice to get rid of the alcohol on your breath. You swiped some face makeup to conceal your dark circles and changed out of the pajamas you had been living in.

You buzzed Benny in, expecting him to wait downstairs in the lobby like usual. Instead you heard a knock at the door in the middle of clearing things up. You got flustered as you rushed around to pick up glasses, pillows and other articles littering the floor.

“I thought we were going for coffee,”You said as you opened the door, panting slightly.

“I thought I would make things easy, come to you.” He said as he made his way in, slinging his arm around your shoulder, “plus ive never been in here.” He took a look around, making no comments about the state of your apartment. He made himself comfortable, going through your kitchen, presumably looking for coffee or something to eat. “Do you want anything? More gin maybe?” He said as he picked up an empty bottle sitting on the counter.

“Benny-“ you warned, silencing him. He joined you on the couch with some chips he found in the cabinets and a can of coke.

“We don’t have to talk about anything serious, I just don’t want you to be alone. For my own sake really.” He turned his head away from you while saying the last part.

“You know I should be a dick more often, I’m making you all soft.” You nudged him in the shoulder as a small smile crept up on his lips, lightening the mood. Something about him being there made you unconsciously drop your facade. You had to admit it was nice to relax for a moment.

“Hey don’t go telling everyone.”

You didn’t talk about anything serious like Benny said you wouldn’t. After a while you eased into laughing and chatting casually. Eventually the conversation reached a comfortable lull.

“I missed you too you know. I didn’t say it over the phone.” You told him. Having him here with you made you feel bad for your outburst. You admired his patience for you.

“I knew.” He shrugged as he gave you a sideways little smirk.

“cocky bastard.” You said jokingly.

“Your favorite cocky bastard” he tilted his head towards you as he lifted his brow, smiling.

“Top 3 maybe.” You leaned back like you were pretending to think about it.

Suddenly you remembered what you talked about before the little breakdown you had on your walk.

“The championship! Do you still want me to go?” You sat up with your sudden remembrance.

“Course I do. I didn’t know you would still be up for it.” Benny looked happy, but you could tell he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“I didn’t think I was, but I didn’t want to miss you winning.” You ruffled his fluffy blonde hair. He gave you that cocky smirk again. You really won points by stroking bennys ego.

“Well we can drive together then. It’s next week.” He said it nonchalantly, but he smiled as he took a sip of his drink.

You paused, not realizing the championship was so soon. You thought you had at least a month. You didn’t feel as though you were ready to enter back into the world yet. Just Benny was alright but having to hold your own with all those people while Benny played scared you. Benny caught your hesitation and went to hold your hand. They were chess players hands, soft with long fingers that intertwined with yours. They were cold and his rings were a bit uncomfortable, but your breath still hitched a bit.

No. You said you wouldn’t get involved with him. Still, you kept your hand in his. It was probably the one mildly romantic thing either of you could get without risking the friendship falling apart at this time.

“How exciting,” you finally continued. You lifted your coke and you and Benny cheers-ed together. Once again that warm feeling of home crept in, that feeling you got when being with Benny. No matter how many walls you built up, Benny, someone you hadn’t even known for more than a couple months, had an amazing way of bursting through.

Just this morning you were firmly committed to becoming a hermit, and now you were planning a road trip. You chalked it up to Benny being special to you. No, you pushed that thought away again. Special in a friend way. That’s what you needed, and that’s what he was willing to be. You were in a state of conflict around him, shoving him away and holding his hand to pull him close. You shook off your thoughts and looked at Benny, and there was a moment where his eyes shone with admiration, and then it was gone as he turned his head away and continued to talk about one of his chess feats while you listened attentively, just happy to be around him again, even if it was unwillingly at first.