#i am stressed out with life so im just letting the anxious energy come out as useless essay bullshit

[speargifted]

//home now but i thought about verstael again so now ill just ramble about fitting him into 16 because its weirdly difficult (verstael besithia/bestia being one of the main antagonistic forces in ffXV - he's the mad scientist trope and the driving force behind a lot of the shit that happens in XV even if you dont really interact with him in the main game)

Now for one you have to get rid of his big achievements because they don't work in 16. One being the wallbreaker which just doesn't translate at all but the others being that he killed Shiva and imprisoned Ifrit which... we can't let him do unfortunately. The easiest thing to translate is that he would be deeply obsessed with the Fallen, he is deeply obsessed with Solheim in XV which is your usual FF trope of the technologically advanced society that came before the current one and fell because of hubris or gods or some bullshit. Verstael is against the Astrals (The Gods in XV, which are the Eikon equivalents) and hates magic - he actively prioritises technology over magic and weirdly that would align him more with Cid than anyone else (he wouldn't work in the iron kingdom because he would very much hate the mothercrystals). But while some of his values align with Cid he is also a megalomaniacal bastard who is legitimately quite insane and an antagonist. Verstael is of the Niflheim Empire and while the Emperor of Niflheim does align somewhat with Sylvestre's characterisation I simply refuse to let Verstael have any positive associations with Bahamut so he cant be imperial. Verstael is heavily connected to Ardyn, he's the one who freed Ardyn and also convinced the Emperor to give him his position, and in turn Ardyn has helped Verstael immensely in his goals(my asshole husbands who will never admit that they care for each other in the way they need each other to admit it). Ardyn being the living embodiment of the Starscoruge, the disease that Verstael is endlessly fascinated by and does intentionally infect himself with. The Scourge is not analogous with the Crystal Curse but weirdly does kinda fit with the concept of the Akashic (anyone sick with Scourge eventually becomes a mindless daemon, though I am grossly simplifying it), and I have always written Verstael as keeping himself young with his experiments with the Scourge in a similar way Barnabas does with his Akashic-ness. If you squint the Scourge is referred to loosely as Darkness which is the closest I can get to a positive connection of Verstael to any of the Eikons (it helps that Odin isn't an Astral). He's also very heavily associated with clones and i guess sleipnir is the closest thing 16 has to that. So Waloed would be stuck with the bastard and he would be an absolute asset to their military forces but he wouldn't actually follow Ultima (he'd be quiet about it but he serves himself and himself only) and he is just awful to interact with so just give him a lab and complete authority over it and never speak to him while he works out how to inject himself with aether to the right point where he's semi akashic and pretty forever (until his body dies and he uploads his brain into a robot worm. awful man)

[small-doodle-ist]

Sometimes I think about the fact that I totally COULD do like ~ spicy fanart and have real fun with it or do other actual good art. Or at least decent stuff id be proud of. I totally could because there are a few things I managed to do over the years that show me I HAVE the ability. But I am simply so stressed and exhausted with existence ever since I started studying that I just don’t have the energy for that. Good thing is I have my masters degree now and im officially done and out of uni. But trying to find a job is super duper exhausting and scary for my socially anxious ass as well! Who would have thought! So now - when I actually would have time - compared when I hopefully do find a job and have no more free time much - I can’t do art because I spend all my days procrastinating applying to places (I did apply already but going on keeps being scary as hell).

I don’t know why I post this lol, it’s not like anyone reads this stuff here 😂 but I feel like I have to say it. Somewhere where people will maybe understand. Or have the same struggle. I know it’s actually not that uncommon to be so exhausted by these tasks. Really, social anxiety is such a bitch. Like I don’t even have problems with normal social interaction, it just comes up with carrier and academia and paralyzes me with fear out of the blue. Thanks dad. You gave me so many tools for life! To fail at all the basic tasks! While constantly feeling like crying and puking for months. So cool. Raised me really good yes yes I’m so well behaved (paralyzed by fear).

Sorry for the rant I’m just so sad and angry that I can’t seem to get a hold of my life. I just want to have a stable life consisting of a small flat, a job and some friends. Why is it so hard for me? Like I want to work at that one hospital lab but I’m soooo scared of the job interview? And I am scared that they will call instead of mail and I’ll be stupid on the phone because if someone calls me who is authority I suddenly forget how talking works.

And I tell myself, and I KNOW, it doenst really matter? I’m gonna fail the first few interviews anyway. And I don’t care, I’ll learn, and get better at it. This is what my brain thinks. Because in reality, after whatever event I f up, I usually don’t really care for longer than a day. I tell people, laugh at myself, done. And yet, beforehand, I need to panick for weeks and months. Whyyyyy. It’s just not fair I want this to be gone! I swear, I’m sooo competent and hard working and all that. I just f up small talk. God, why is this irrelevant shit always the most important thing for them. Like ohhh tHe FiRsT iMprEsSiOn! sELL yOuRSeLf! SaY tHe RiGhT ThiNgS! ??? Fu! I can’t even say the right things to the cashier when I buy groceries (although here I don’t have a care in the world) but how am I supposed to manage it in such an important situation!!!

Ah sorry again. Rant.

PS: if anyone reads this and related. Please let me know. You would make me feel like … 1000% better.

[xiaowhore]

imagine if Xiao‘s s/o reincarnates after dying every time. And they meet Xiao every time, fall in love with him every time but have no memories of their past lives. Crying, you wanna write something based on this?

wait... anon... BIG BRAIN ENERGY... YOU'RE ONTO SOMETHING HERE...

okay so i took a while to answer this ask even tho i saw it immediately but LIKE,,, I WANTED TO THINK THIS THROUGH,,, SO HERE'S AN UNNECESSARILY LONG POST ABOUT A CONCEPT IM NOT SURE ID EVEN WRITE ABOUT,,, (it's something id want to read, not write lol)

this entire thing gives me major 7 deadly sins vibes ?? like the whole reincarnation thing with elizabeth and meliodas?? so uh let's go with that (yes i made an entire plot for this idea, is there a problem)

*coughs* let's start off with some background information so you'll understand this concept better. to sum it up, xiao was coerced into killing a lot of people by some evil archon until the geo archon saves him and frees him from the evil archon (here's a youtube vid explaining it more in detail since i am in no mood to explain it all by myself lmao)

my poor baby doesn't need this much trauma

anyways, this all occurred probably thousands of years ago, so let's say this is his s/o's first life with him. s/o is a normal mortal who just happened to meet xiao while he's still a prisoner working for the evil archon, and xiao distances himself away from them because he's dangerous. still, s/o is persistent to get to know him better (and they always see xiao being sad so they're worried) until xiao eventually opens up and becomes fond of them. like, he even ends up falling in love with them, but he knows he can't be with them cuz he's a murderer and all that drama :'<

evil archon is not pleased with this. xiao's obviously softening up because of you, and the evil archon wants you gone. so for his next mission, the evil archon makes xiao kill people near the town s/o lives, and s/o dies from the collateral damage xiao makes

xiao is—understandably—horrified, when he cradles your dead body. you're then cursed to die early every time you reincarnate, but your soul is tied to xiao's, so you'll inevitably meet him in each life, as a form of torture for him. “you wanted to stay with them forever, didn't you?” the evil archon would say, and xiao is enraged, but he's powerless against them until the geo archon saves him

after that, it's just an endless cycle. you meet xiao time and time again, and he tries his best to keep you from dying in each lifetime, only to no avail. sometimes, you harbor a severe illness, or you're killed by something unforeseen; all of your deaths vary in reasons, but they have one thing in common: you die at the same age you died in your first life.

so at present day, xiao hasn't met you yet. actually, he hasn't met you for a while, maybe for a little over thirty years. he's getting anxious, because he may actually lose you for real this time, and you aren't coming back.

then he goes off to his daily routine to rid of pests that may harm liyue, the thought of his s/o weighing in his mind. he's growing aggressive in his attacks, immersed in the battle to relieve some stress through violence, and he only picks up on the sound of pained groans when he finishes his fight with a demon.

he turns around, seeing a hand pop out of a pile of debris, struggling to call for help. alarmed, he walks over to the debris to dig out the unfortunate victim buried under, apologetic.

to his surprise, you emerge from the debris, all dusty and irritated. you scold him for bringing others into his own mess, but he doesn't listen, noticing something very strange. you still look like you always have in each of your lifetimes, but there's something different about you.

you're a year older than the age you were supposed to die in.

he hugs you right then and there, and you're very much confused, because you swear you've never seen this man before. you don't remember him at all, but you feel like crying when you see his face. it's fine for him; he'll make you fall in love with him again, just like he always did.

...and that's where it ends, cuz i love cliffhangers and i don't have enough brainpower left to finish the story :P

[gffa]

Dude the one response you wrote to another anon about having a hard time being a Real Person ™️ and interacting with others online bc of anxiety and stuff hit me so hard bc like BIG SAME.

I seriously appreciate how honest you are about this, bc I have very similar issues and I try really hard to leave comments on fics or reply to comments on my fics and sometimes my brain just says NO. And then too much time passes and then it's just awkward to reply later?? And then like, if you comment on a fic and the author replies and it opens the way for more conversation... Am I supposed to reply again??? I mean like obvs I know I don't have to, so usually I don't bc STRESS. But. ???? Idk.

What's the worst is that I have this same issue in "Brick Life" (IRL?)... Like, texting/emailing/chatting with friends and aquaintences??? How?? I overthink like EVERYTHING. And I wish I could just say, "yeah hey I have these problems so sometimes I can't reply! Or my reply might come off as weird to you bc I spent an hour rewording it and now I sound like an alien!" But I don't know how??? And I've tried doing like PSAs but ppl are like "oh you're so brave for admitting you have mental health issues. I'm so proud that you're reaching out" and then they go on with their lives like I don't have debilitating anxiety and seem to expect me to interact with them in whatever way they think is "normal" and im like 🙃🙃🙃

Anyway. Socially anxious high five from me to you. And you totally don't have to reply to this at all if you don't want to! I just read what you say sometimes about having anxiety and stuff and my brain goes "!!!!!! SAME HAT!!!!!"

Have a good day/night/time 💞

GOD, I REWROTE THIS RESPONSE LIKE FIVE TIMES, no, I’m not kidding. Yes, it’s funny because that’s what this response is about but also I really did. So, I’m going to start with this: And I wish I could just say, "yeah hey I have these problems so sometimes I can't reply! Or my reply might come off as weird to you bc I spent an hour rewording it and now I sound like an alien!" But I don't know how??? ^ Say exactly this!  Seriously!  It doesn’t have to be a big, huge conversation piece about how you’re anxious, you can just drop that in quick at the beginning, just tell the person, “Hey, brain weasels are really wriggling around up there today, so this took me awhile to cough up, so if it sounds like it’s weirdly terse or something, that’s not the intention, I’m just anxious about it.” and then go right on into the conversation. I’ve found that the shame of social anxiety is a real pain in the ass, but so is letting it define me.  It’s a thing I have!  It sucks massively!  I have to deal with it every day and in almost every conversation!  People want to help, and when I can tell them specifically what I need (usually it’s just that I need some extra understanding if I sound stilted or terse or disjointed, to know that it’s not that I’m being an asshole, it’s that I’m herding cats up there and this was the best I could get out in the moment), it goes a long way, because people are very understanding! Or, for example, sometimes I go on a little too much because I can’t stop myself and then I’ll tack on something like, “LOL GOD SORRY I know this is obnoxious, I just had FEELINGS, I’ll let you go now.” and throw in an emoji something to lighten the mood. Or, if you’re friendly with someone and they’re like, “What’s wrong, you seem off today.” and you can reply with, “[tosses a rock at] SOCIAL ANXIETY SUCKS AND I HATE MY LIZARD BRAIN.  (Okay, I’m being dramatic, but sometimes you gotta be over the top about these things!)” Or even something as simple as “/Social Anxiety Having Nerd Trying To Be Totally Normal Level Of Cool To Interact With” at the start/end of something as a reminder to people. Make it silly, even when the feelings are real, while also letting yourself off the hook for feeling this way! A lot of us are dealing with anxiety or other various forms of mental health issues, many of which are going to be with us for a long time, if not the rest of our lives.  It can be exhausting to carry this shit around, to feel like you have to do so much more work than other people do just to have a goddamned conversation.  And there are absolutely times to be deadly serious about it, especially if you’re having a bad day and need to vent or just need some commiseration.  Figure out what you need from your friends, what they specifically can do to help, but also have some humor with it and remember that, hey, if other people can fake it until you can’t tell they had anxiety, then you can fake it so that others can’t tell you have anxiety. Remember that there almost always will be more chances in the future to interact with someone, another fic will come along, another conversation will come along, another meta will come along, there will be more chances, so if you have to let some pass by because you don’t have the energy to get up over the anxiety hill to comment, then that’s okay, too.  A lot of us are dealing with this stuff and some missed chances are because we’re human. I mean, if you do get up the energy to respond and don’t know where to go from there, it’s okay to not respond back!  It’s okay if they don’t respond back!  People are but blobs floating in the currents of the ocean, sometimes they bob closer, sometimes they bob further away, but they’ll always come back and go away and come back again.  And that goes for you, too.  If responding to something makes your brain go N O P E, then don’t stress about it.  If you’re just kinda nervous, remember that other people can’t tell NEARLY as much about you as you think they can. Everyone is up their own asses about their own stuff, so you can be a trainwreck over here and hardly anyone is going to notice because they’re too busy thinking about their own trainwreck!  I promise you, people are not NEARLY as perceptive as you fear they are, when it comes to piercing the veil of your social anxiety, and so it’s okay to just let stuff slide or be a little twitchy, because you’re a person and so is everyone else.  ♥

[quarantineddreamer]

i’ve been absent, and i can’t be sorry (it’s been necessary), but i do miss this community and having the energy/time to participate.

in truth, it’s been a challenging past few months for me...

don’t want to bore anyone, so details below (tw: depression, anxiety, parental troubles, covid)

i was really fortunate to be really close to my family growing up. i had a great relationship with my parents. which is why it has been that much more painful for me this past year to have them slowly driven from me by the absurdity of current politics. i didn’t see it coming, i didn’t think my parents could become science deniers. and yet here i am...

i tried with everything i had to teach/reach them, but ultimately the stress of it all was causing my anxiety to reach extremely unhealthy levels. for my own health and sanity, i wrote them a long, heartfelt letter explaining why i would not be talking to them for the time being (as they refused to get vaccinated and began to behave dangerously, no masks, frequent outings, seeing lots of people). that was july. 

august my parents visited my hometown. i did not see them or speak to them. my birthday passed, i did not see them or speak to them... 

i spoke with my mother once, in september...and it’s all still just as bad. there was shouting, cursing, crying (mostly me tbh). she’s stubbornly clinging to her beliefs drilled into her by right-wing media. i wont get into them, but it’s conspiracy level bad... she got covid, she kept it from me and my brother until afterwards. miraculously she was okay despite taking “medicine” that has been proven to be ineffective against covid and potentially dangerous while sick to boot... it’s made her even more determined to cling to her insane theories about the vaccine, covid treatments, the government all of it... 

i told her my life would continue without her and dad: i might get engaged (probably would have on my anniversary except my partner felt bad i wasnt talking to them at the time), married, who knows... covid isn’t going away anytime soon, and i cant agree to disagree with her on this. it matters too much to me that they be safe. if i let it go and something were to happen to her and my dad...i’d never forgive myself for it. 

i’m not saying mine is the correct approach. i have been plagued with doubt and guilt off and on. my mom has used language that makes me feel like this is all my fault, for being anxious, for being depressed, for not just letting her have her dangerous opinions... but at the end of the day despite the pain and grief i feel for not having my parents right now, i am still better off than i was before. fewer panic attacks, able to focus at work, able to at least sleep some now. 

i started anti-depressants when my mental health hit an all-time low during all of this, and they’ve been helping too. i really didn’t want to get back on them, but i believe they’ve saved my life. 

sadly, between all this (and busy times at work) i’ve had very little time, focus, or motivation to write. i’ve barely been on here. to be completely honest, naps after work are common. the extra rest has become important. i’ve developed a sudden interest in true crime documentaries and sad movies?? i was very confused by this at first, since i’ve never ever had an interest before, but my therapist says its how im processing my trauma and grief lol 

but why write all this out on tumblr, B? well... i like to scream into the abyss here, and i also want to be completely open about my struggles and mental health, because i was at my worst when i felt utterly alone, and if this post helps even one person who might be experiencing similar feel less alone than it’s worth it.

and i also wanted to let this community know why i’ve suddenly dropped off because it is a place that has brought my joy even during the chaos of the past year or so. i am going to be participating in the upcoming zkmbb and still have my other projects ready and waiting for me to return, but for now, the queue is going to be up and running and i’ll be a bit quieter as i fight my way through this and have to dedicate extra time to self-care.

i hope no one relates to this post, i really do, because it all hurts a lot and i dont want anyone to feel this pain, but if you do? you are a warrior, i admire your strength and courage --and i am sending you so much love.

best wishes all,

B

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

diz I hate that I'm so upset about this - the thing that upsets me the most is this persistent feeling that a rebound fling is wildly ooc regardless of how heartbroken/despairing he is + the frustration that his first real relationship mostly takes place off screen in a 20 min recap...

see, i actually disagree with everyone saying it's out of character. if carol wasn't married at the time then i would be like "wtf?" but i think the idea is that daryl is a one woman man, but his one woman was taken, so he tried to move on, but even then a part of him was still clinging to that one thread of hope, knowing that what he's doing doesn't quite fit. it's not until she says they can't spend time together anymore does he decide to try and go all in with leah, which is extremely telling and delicious, which is why the note doesn't bother me at all. i think it was him trying rly hard to have that One True Relationship that he craved but couldn't have, and i think when leah shows up again it'll come to light that he was fooling himself and he doesn't actually want to be with her.

consider how much time has elapsed in the flashback. he has been desperately alone for years. it's not fair to say that he's not allowed to try and move on; to seek what he wanted from carol in someone else. i think daryl is absolutely a mate-for-life-like-a-penguin dude, and he rly wanted (/wants) that, and so he tried to get it where he could. it's a remarkable show of vulnerability on daryl's part, and remarkably human. think of it less of a fling and more that his wounds were so deep and painful he just wanted something to pack them. and the fact that it happens off screen seems very intentional. a visual representation that he was trying to make it real, but it wasn't and was never going to be

i'm 100% genuine when i say that it seems true to character to me. if i were to write a daryl/temp story i would write it the exact same way.

(now, am i cool with yet another woman being used to carry the character development of a man? well, that's a whole other thing entirely)

let the story be told before you judge. a lot (a LOT) can be said in the nonverbal aspects that we don't get spoilers on, especially when it comes to daryl. kang has written so beautifully and consistently so far, i have no reason to doubt her

don't take the bait. trust the narrative. i think there's more than what meets the eye,

-diz

(note: i'm not gonna do a whole lot more meta on the episode, bc ive made my point and you guys make me anxious (not bc of the show, but bc of the energy), and im rly sick rn and can't handle a whole lot of added stress. but i have like 80000 anons in my inbox rn asking about this, so i thought id answer, and i might answer others if i think i have something new and important to add. just know that if i don't post your ask it isn't personal)

[brelione]

Neverland (JJ Maybank X Reader)

Warnings:Mentions of death,suicide,depression,probably a lot of spelling errors,has the possibility of making you cry. :)

This is really bad because I have not slept in 28 hours and I was bored :)

You had said over and over again from the age of 8 that all you wanted to do was go to neverland.It was right after your parents died in a drowning accident that you had become so obsessed with the idea.Neverland was the perfect place where children who simply didnt belong in the real world went to feel wanted.Neverland was where you belonged.You used to pray to any god there was that someday Peter Pan would come to your window and take you away.It never happened though.When you became friends with the pogues at age 14 you felt a bit better.You had met JJ Maybank,the boy of pure chaos and crackhead energy.He was always doing something illegal or doing something he shouldnt be.He was many things and loyal,sweet and kind were some of them.He acted like a lost boy,not caring about the consequences to his actions and living in the moment.

You would sit together on John.B’s roof and complain about life.

“You ever wonder why we’re so fucked up?”You asked.He shrugged,laying down with his arms over his chest.You tucked your hair behind your ears,looking up at the sky and staring at the second star to the right. “Hey,JJ?”You asked.He hummed,watching you stare up at the sky with a sad expression.He had noticed things no one else had about you.How your eyes were always a little pink,the way your laugh was never completely genuine,the way you hid your emotions from everyone because you didnt want to overwhelm anyone.He had always gone out of his way to do nice things for you.He’d made you a bracelet with your name on it that you had worn everyday until the beads had faded and the letters were hardly there.You still wore it.

He remembered your favorite type of poptart and would steal you some when he went to a large supermarket.You had always told him not to steal from independent businesses and if he were to steal from anywhere to steal from a store that had multiple locations because it didnt matter if they lost $2.He tried to show affection,hugging you or attempting to hold your hand.You never accepted it,shrinking under his touch.He wanted you to feel loved and appreciated but no matter how he tried the message just wouldnt get through to you. “If I ever go missing,just know that I probably went to neverland.”You spoke quietly.He sat sat up,frowning. “What?”He asked.You sighed. “I dont like it here.I wanna leave.Im gonna leave eventually so when I do you’ll know where to find me.”You avoided his gaze,staring up at the star.

He scooted himself forward so he was next to you. “Why dont you like it here?”He asked.You sighed,looking at him. “I dont belong here,you know?Everything just feels wrong and I feel guilty all the time because I know I should be grateful that im alive and healthy but I just want to give up.I just fuck things up and I dont wanna do it anymore.”You mumbled,feet dangling off the edge of the roof.He went to grab your hand,sliding his warm large hand over your cold small one.You let him,your fingers curling around his hand. “You do belong here,though.You belong with the pogues and we all love you.You know we love you,right?”He asked.You shrugged. “I dont really belong with you guys.Kiara felt bad for me so she dragged me into this.You dont really love me,you’re just saying that to keep me here.”You looked up at him.

His pupils were large,lips open like he was trying to form words.He was concerned for you,having the urge to pull you away from the side of the roof.You just grinned. “Its okay to admit it,JJ.I know its true.”You smiled.He shook his head. “No.No its not.What am I gonna do when you’re in neverland?Who’s gonna stop me from stealing from independent businesses?”He asked.You just huffed. “Pope will.”You replied.He shook his head,gulping. “No,no.Pope doesnt care about that stuff like you do-you’re the only one who can stop me from stealing pop tarts.”He replied,voice squeaking a bit.You rubbed circles on his hand with your thumb. “Its okay,JJ.Everything is fine.”You spoke softly.He shook his head. “You’re really scaring me right now...please just stay here with me.Please.”He whispered.

You bit the inside of your cheek,taking your hand away from his.You hesitantly leaned forward,hugging him.Your body heat against him was calming.He was nervous to hug you back,not wanting you to pull away from him.He slowly raised his arms,pulling you closer to him. “Dont stress,JJ.Everything is okay.”You whispered.He sniffled. “I just want you to be happy...what will make you happy?”He asked,blinking away the tears.You ran your hand through his hair,your finger tips scratching his scalp lightly as you twirled your fingers. “Shhh...JJ,honey,you’ve got to calm down.”You whispered.He let out a small squeak,biting down on his lip as he rested his forehead against your shoulder. “Please dont leave...please.”He sobbed.The guilt ran through you,knowing you had caused JJ to be this upset with himself.You didnt say anything,you just continued to run your fingers through his hair.He felt his whole body heating up.His lips always got really hot and red when he cried,he didnt really know why.He moved,kissing your forehead lightly.The heat against your cool forehead made a shiver run down your spine. “JJ,look at me.”You whispered,lifting up his chin.He looked up at you,more tears falling from his eyes.He sniffled,staring into your eyes.

He leaned forward,kissing you lightly.You pulled away after a few moments,forehead still against his. “It’s three in the morning,if we want any energy tomorrow we should probably sleep.”You mumbled quietly.He frowned. “You’ll still be here when I wake up,right?”He asked.You nodded.He couldnt believe he was scared of you leaving to go to neverland.He didnt know if that was really what he was scared of though.In all honesty he was absolutely terrified you’d kill yourself or something.After that night JJ had always tried to stay close to you.He always wanted to be touching you in some way,holding your hand or having his arm around your waist.He stole you more poptarts,telling you where he’d gotten them from before you even asked.

He’d text you every morning when you two couldnt spend the day together and he’d call you at least three times a day.Everytime you didnt answer he’d feel his heart speed up anxiously.You’d always text him when you didnt answer,telling him that you were busy and that you’d call him later.Sometimes you didnt have the energy to answer his texts but he’d feel better seeing that you had at least read them.But one day you didnt answer his calls.He waited for a text from you to explain why you hadnt answered.He tried to convince himself that maybe you were in the shower or taking a nap or maybe out for a swim.He knew you werent.You’d always text him before you went out for a swim or took a shower.You always said the same thing. “Im hopping in the shower so dont get scared if I dont answer.Love you.”.He hadnt received that text yet.

He had bit his nails as he sat in the hammock. “Are you okay?You seem stressed.”Pope looked over at him.JJ gulped. “Im just scared about (Y/N).She’s not answering me and I dont know what to do.”He had explained.Kiara frowned. “Are you guys fighting?”She asked.JJ shook his head. “She hasnt read my texts and I checked when she was last active on instagram and it says three days ago.I dont wanna go to her house because I dont wanna seem clingy but she’s really starting to scare me.”He tapped his foot on the grass.Kiara nodded. “Maybe her phone is broken.”She shrugged.He shook his head. “I dont know.I have a bad feeling.”He frowned. “So lets take the boat and go check on her.”Pope sat up from the porch couch.John.B was at Sarah’s and he would understand why they were taking the boat.Pope drove,going through the water as fast as the boat allowed until they were at the dock in your backyard.

JJ hopped out,going to your back door and knocking on the wood.He tried calling again,hearing your phone ring from somewhere in the house.He reached over to the windowsill,moving the painted rock you kept there and grabbing the key.Kiara and Pope were close behind him,starting to become anxious as well.He turned the key in the door,opening it with such force that the door knob smacked against the side of your house.He walked in,calling your name.He approached your bathroom,his hands shaking as he reached for the door knob.He told himself he was being ridiculous,opening the door.He turned on the light,wincing and hoping that you werent there.You werent,but your phone was. “(Y/N)!”Kiara shouted,going into your bedroom.Your blankets and sheets were messy,pillows thrown around.The window was wide open,your dresser knocked over. “JJ!”She shouted.He sprinted through the house,catching himself on your door frame.His breath hitched in his throat.There was no way.

There was no fucking way that you had actually left.That wasnt possible.Peter Pan wasnt real.But robbers were.Maybe someone had broken into your window and kidnapped you.That theory didnt make sense either because nothing had been missing and you always kept your bedroom window locked.You promised you wouldnt leave him.Maybe you had been forced to leave.He had to figure it out.He had to have you back.

[teddybeckham]

charles melton, cis male, he/him, silver hey have you seen TEDDY BECKHAM ? HE let me borrow his PAINT BRUSHES . oh, you know them! they’re 27 and they’ve been at Roy G. for THREE YEARS. They are known to be a total SCORPIO. no wonder they’ve picked up the nickname THE BLACK SHEEP ! i’m surprised you haven’t heard them blaring STACY’S MOM BY FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE all night. they remind me of PAINT SPLATTERED JEANS, A LONG TIRED SIGH AND GETTING HIGH AT 3 AM. anyway, let me know if you see them ! (rachell, 23, she/her, mt, n/a).

ok hello omg im rachell and this is my lil shit teddy who just needs love ok? i haven’t gotten to play him in awhile and i’m really excited to play this new kinda version of him here?? this whole thing maybe kind of all over the place cuz we’re kinda figuring it out as we go lol but yes pls love us, this whole post is a lot so i apologize im--

tw cancer, tw death, tw depression, tw alcoholism

teddy was born november 3rd, 1993, as an only child, and though a sweet and happy kid he had always struggled with school, being diagnosed with adhd dislexia at a pretty young age causing him to learn at a different pace than the rest of the kids at his class

tho this was pretty hard on him and caused him to grow frustrated at his assignments more often than not, his mom was always there with the patient and supportive smiles, ready to give a hand wherever she could 

things were ok with his dad for the most part the boy was just easily more attached his mother, it being as clear as day to anyone who knew the beckhams

it threw everyone in the small family for a loop when his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer by the time he was six, soon growing familiar with the visits to the hospital and seeing her in a way he never wished he’d have to

as the years went by and his mom now practically stayed in the hospital, the small boy was completely at a loss on how to cope, one day he had to put together a creative piece for school, and being completely fed up with everything, he just painted out everything he was feeling, not giving a shit on how it looked or what he was supposed to have done instead, completely caught off guard when his teacher absolutely loved it, saying she saw great potential in it and him, it being the first time he had actually felt good about smth in school

his mother passed away by the time he was 10, causing teddy to be a lot more closed off and withdrawn from his peers at school, growing frustrated a lot quicker, with art being the only thing that really kept him going as he even pushed his dad away as well, the pair never having been good at talking about their feelings

the death took a big toll on his dad as well, soon falling into a depression that costed him his job, at times not being fully capable of caring for teddy on his own, bringing in the boy’s aunt to help out when she could as he spiraled into borderline alcoholism....that is, until jasmine’s mother came along, slowly helping him come out of his dark place with each moment they spent together, supporting him through therapy and alcoholics anonymous 

teddy found it difficult to be as happy for him as his aunt was, considering how it felt as if his mom was somehow getting replaced, let alone the seemingly perfect young daughter this new woman in his dad’s life had along with her. his dad never really took his love and passion for art all that seriously to begin with, now he had someone else to compare his son to, despite the age gap between the two and he couldn’t really stand it, causing him to give the new people in their life a difficult time at the beginning of them all getting to know each other that was pretty difficult to shake

by the time jasmine’s and teddy’s parents officially got married, the boy was around a freshman/sophmore in high school, at this point warming up more to his new step mom, able to see what his dad saw in her and over all grateful for all that she’d done for him, tho his new step sibling was still smth to adjust to, teddy being too awkward and feeling too much like he was living in her shadow to open up too much, on top of their differences with her as pretty much the golden child and him still not caring much for school and more throwing himself in his art instead of really socializing or getting to know others

fast forward to now with the 2 siblings having been in florida for 3 years, living together and still struggling to understand each other while also getting on each other’s nerves in between. their family at this point is a real one in teddy’s eyes, despite how much he feels like the black sheep when they facetime. call jas his step sister and he’ll sock you. over all there’s sm love there despite how difficult it can be to admit out loud or in general really

about him

takes meds for his adhd

there is nothing that he loves more or is more passionate about than his art, it’s his escape and his way to let out his emotions he doesn’t know how to communicate otherwise

his and jasmine’s place is filled with wips that he’ll just start cuz he got inspo, was bored, or was stressed out

kind of hard for him to sit still and can be pretty anxious but usually puts up a hard exterior so it’s kinda hard to tell 

he is tired all the time, stays up too late to work on his art and relies on coffee to keep him going, someone stop him

is pretty hard to warm up to i wanna say but he’s such a lil shit and has chaotic dumbass energy but like...lowkey lol, very loyal tho, he kinda keeps others at arms length but will appreciate you sm if you become one of his ppl

can be reckless if he’s comfortable w you and around the right ppl

swears too much

extra awkward once finding out he likes someone, will be gruffer than he means to bc he’s just like ew why?

projects this sort of intimidating, confident kind of aura but is actually v insecure

trust issues *finger guns*

usually has paint stains on his jeans but he couldn’t really care less? and he’d dare someone to say smth to him about it

actual name is theodore but he hates it sm call him that at your own risk

stubborn AF and can be pretty judgmental of ppl who come off as snobby and entitled??? hates those kinds of ppl

is so so protective of jasmine despite usually being a pain to her, that’s his baby SISTER

where does he work? idek man maybe at like a tattoo place or smth, ill figure it out

[dylanxmin]

A Little Serendipity

Part.1

/ next

•masterlist•

----------------

I never thought this could be true but now I am here, standing in front of the airport, little afraid to be here again. In my old town, Seoul. “Gosh..” little breathe and little grumble comes out of from my mouth. I was so sure to not coming back in here, but guess what? I was literally humiliated in US. That country didn’t like me at all and literally expelled me from its border.

Anyway , it was a long story and I don’t have that energy to think all of that again and pity for myself. Now, I need to focus on what should I do or not to do. Should I go to my parents house or choose to die on sidewalk. “Yeah that would be better than home..” I mumbled. Shake my head for run away from these idiotic thoughts. While standing in the sidewalk in front of the airport, the idea hit me. I get so hyped up from this idea and take my phone from my pocket as fast as I can. Dialing sounds took forever, at least at that moment it felt like that.

“Oow, Hello?” the voice made my heart beat faster. I couldn’t talk for a little time and she repeated, “Umm hello? Who did you call?” I needed to take a deep breath for little courage. “Hi! Is that Soo-bin?” I asked but I already knew the answer. “Oh yes? Who is that?” she asked in a daze. I giggled with anxiety. “Hey, Soo-bin. Its me, Y/N.” After what I said, there was a long silence. I fixed my throat with a little cough. “I know this is a bit strange but Im standing in front of the airport and don’t know what to do or who to call. Im sorry if I make you feel uncomfortable, Im hanging up, now.” I was so ashamed of my action and regret it in a second I do it, but just I was hanging up the phone, Soo-bin started to talk. “Hey! Don’t be a coward and stop being ashamed of calling me.” Little giggle came out to my mouth and hers as well. “Im going to text my address to this number, so you can come over and you can continue to not being ashamed of coming to my place. Is this sound okay to you?”

With a little hesitation I answered to her, “Oh, that sound okay to me. Im coming over to you then?” I asked again because I wanted to be sure about her. She giggle just a little and sighed after. “Of course, you idiot.” She replied then we hung up. I was so nervous. Even the words couldn’t express how I am feeling right now. At this moment, I shake my head, hold it up with a courage, now I was sure what to do.

•••

I was watching the road from the window. “Could this bus can go little more slowly from than its already?” I asked with an irony to myself. I was nervous so it made me grumpy, as always. I was getting closer and closer to the address and getting more and more anxious about my decision. I take a deep, shaky breath and get off from the bus. It was a little hard for me to do such things with two big and heavy suitcase but someone helped me and I thanked him with a little bow.

“Here I come,” with a hesitation, I begin to walk. When I came to the apartment, I dialed the number again. “Hey, I am here.” I said without waiting for an answer. “Okay, its the third floor, Im opening the door now.” I nodded my head like she could see but I was so nervous and couldn’t control my attitude. I heard the sound from the door, which its saying to me “came in” but I was stressed out and having a big nausea on my stomach. Nervousness got captured me and I couldn’t walk, even breathe easily. So, I waited for a minute.

The reason why I was nervous is little complicated for me. I let down my family here for going to US which normally this should be a ‘success’ but for my family, it wasn’t. They wanted from me becoming a doctor so I could work for our hospital and eventually became the owner of it, but that was never happened to be my dream. I always wanted to be a writer and moving to US but they didn’t approved it, as you can guest. So, I left my family for college in US and for that dream I left my best friend too. Without giving any information about it. I just ran. So, after seven years, here I was, standing on my best friend’s house and couldn’t even move. I was a jerk and now didn’t have a face for talking to her. I take breathe, again and again. After four minute, i can manage to walk and reach to the elevator.

Sound of the elevator bring back me to life and I stepped out from it. I could see my friend on my left but couldn’t get together my courage to look at her. “You called me and now you are not looking at my face?” She said with a little implication. I tried my best to smile but it turned out too faintly. “Hey, I was just not sure it was you.” I said with that previous pale smile. “Yeah, its normal I think after seven years of not seeing or talking,” She said it and she was going to continue but she saw my expression so, she didn’t. “Imm come in,” She said with a hand gesture. I turned to her and walk toward her. While i was getting rid of my shoes she added. “I don’t know did I mention it before but I have some friends over here, but don’t worry they are cool guys.”

I panicked. Of course. “Oh Im sorry, I didn’t know. If you want I can go somewhere else-“ she cut my words with hers “And where exactly?” She asked. That bitch. I looked at her with wide eyes and then looked at the floor. “That’s what I thought.” She said while taking my suitcases. She told me to go inside but I stand there. Too afraid to go inside and meet with her friends. What if they know about me and what if they think bad things about me? What if they are hating me? So many question, so many fears. “Why are you still standing here? Uhh come on Y/N.” She said while taking me to inside. When I stepped into living room I was surprised by her friends. They were three boys, which now they were staring at me. One of them had a dog on his arms but when the dog noticed me, jumped from the boy arms and came to me with wiggling tail. So i cared it and smile at it.

“Oh Tannie..You bailed me for someone you didn’t even know!” The boy said with a little complain. I smiled at him nervously as always. “Im sorry, I think?” I said and they smiled at me. Then Soo-bin started to talk behind me. “Soo, guys this is Y/N.” She came to my right side and then continued. “You know her a little bit and know she is here.” Oh, so they are know me. They are know how a big bitch I am. Crap! I smiled little to them, while they are strain at me with curiously.

This is my first story in here Im going to continue it but I hope you will like it ^-^ English is not my native language so sorry for any mistake. I hope you will like it. I don’t know it yet, but i can made some text part to at this if you like it. Or whole another text au for if anyone want it? Soo hope you will like it and read it with fun.

[mononyann]

a while back people requested that i share some of my headcanons for certain bnha characters, so here's some of the characters that i did

Shota Aizawa

- he absolutely has at LEAST 3 cats, he spoils the heck out of them too. that's why he's always eating those gel packs... he spends too much on his cats.

- he really does love his class. and we all know honey??? u haven't expelled any of them. ur soft for them ok.

- he likes to sleep with his cats bc he gets lonely at night... he will not admit it, but he likes having someone/something there :)

- he has reuccuring nightmares about the usj attack and how he could have failed to save his students

- has a very low alcohol tolerance and often ends up getting dragged back to his apartment by mic or midnight when they go out whilst he rambles and whines the entire time

- he hates crying and tries his best to keep his emotions held in, he's only cried in front of a select few people

- he tries not to let others opinions on him rule his life and tends to block it out if someone hates him

- he doesn't know it, but he is the entirety of class 1-a's dad.

- he really likes tea, and dislikes sweets

- as you would expect, he takes his coffee black

Hanta Sero

- he really likes kpop! he stans multiple groups and really wants to attend a concert

- though he seems really chill on the outside, he's actually quite sensitive and has some self confidence issues

- he loves being around people and finds that he gets his energy from being around those he loves

- definitely into e-boy fashion, and he is open about it

- pierced his own ears at 3 am and called kaminari crying about how he screwed it up

- he actually likes to draw a lot in his free time, it's very relaxing. he puts on some nice low-fi music and draws for hours

- he hasn't had many crushes in his life and doesn't find romance to be a big issue currently, but he's open to anything

- accidentally taped his hamster to the ceiling in 2nd grade, he didn't mean to and cried for hours (the hamster was ok)

Nemuri Kayama

- she is a BRO, she likes to crack a cold one open with the boys on the weekends

- she is bisexual and thinks everyone is beautiful in their own unique ways

- most likely talks shit about her coworkers to her classes

- she thinks children are adorable and loves them, often scaring them with her enthusiasm

- very touchy, she loves hugs and will probably not pass up a chance to use you as an armrest if she has the chance

- she secretly worries about aizawa a lot and is scared that he lets the past effect him too much

- did you guys know she has a cat?!

- i like to think she and mic are like... EPIC bros, she loves to paint his nails and do his hair while gossiping with him (aizawa would NEVER let her do this to him lmao)

- she isn't a mom, but finds the idea of having her own children very nice, for now having a cat will suffice

- she enjoys trying to make all might flustered, she thinks his reactions to things are always very cute and funny (it's all in good fun!)

- she's the mom friend! though she may seem very sexual, which she undoubtedly is, she is also very caring and has a very nuturing motherly personality, she's a lot more than just fanservice !!!!!

Todoroki Shoto

- completely oblivious when it comes to love... he doesn't even understand his own crushes

- "of course you can borrow my credit card uraraka" *pulls out endeavors card which he sneakily took*

- would be the person to tell a child that their pet guinea pig didn't go to heaven and be confused when they start sobbing... like "what... don't be honest?"

- allows his friends to huddle up to his warm side when they are cold

- is confused when people show him copious amounts of love and affection

- he would beat up anyone if they tried to do ANYTHING bad to midoriya

- he wants more friends. he really is enjoying meeting new people and having some new friends at ua!

- he gives really good hugs, he doesn't try to hug you too tight, but he doesn't half ass it either, very nice and warm

- he hates his scar. like. a lot. he wants to cover it up so bad but it just doesn't work. he's afraid it'll make other people scared of him.

Shinsou Hitoshi

- loves patd! and fall out boy, a brendon urie STAN

- loves to kiss his kitties on the forehead but dreads human interaction

- he loves to squish his cats' toebeans... he takes pictures of them and posts them to his secret cat social media acc

- he is gay but doesn't know how to feel about it and/or come out, he's really nervous and doesn't trust people to accept him

- he doesn't smile often but when he does it's the cutest thing ever

- he secretly really likes deku and kaminari and is hesitant about accepting their friendship, but appreciates the gestures a lot

- he suffers with social anxiety and doesn't really know how to make friends very well??? like, in middle school people were total dickbags to him so he kinda just closed himself off and decided he was gonna like... not make friends, but now that there's nice people around him he just kind of- doesn't know how

- this is actually canon! but he feels guilty about having to manipulate people when he uses his quirk, during the 4th school briefs book he feels guilty when he overhears midoriya and ojiro talking about him using his quirk during the sports festival, and he's like "i wish ojiro would say something rude about me to show he's angry so i wouldn't have to feel so guilty about this" since ojiro showed no ill feelings towards him

Izuku Midoriya

- "hold on I'll go get a blanket!" *opens closet* *thousands of all might figurines tumble out*

- watches cat vine compilations until 2 am, than freaks out when he realizes it is 2 am

- very good with children!

- used to be very self conscious about his freckles bc of bakugou insulting them; hid them with concealer for a while until someone told him they were beautiful

- loves his momma so muchhh he would do anything for her, he likes to surprise her with small favors to see her happy

- does not understand the concept of letting people handle their own problems

- stays after to class to offer his teachers help

- he has a lot of self doubts and is still struggling to this day to come to terms with the fact that he is worthy of having one for all

- he wants to learn how to cook for his mom and friends

Kyoka Jirou

- she is a lesbian!!!!! she has a crush on momo but is completely convinced that it's unrequited

- struggled with judgmental kids in middle school because of her sexual identity and style

- gets very easily flustered by anyone complimenting her

- that one person sitting at the back of the bus with their earbuds blasting full volume

- was a GOD at guitar hero

- acts like she's fed up with kaminari's (which she can be sometimes), but truly he's one of the people she can trust the most. she secretly appreciates the way he hypes up her talents and how he really helps her through the day sometimes!

- she loves heroes so much... when she was a little girl and didn't know what to do she'd ask herself "what would my favorite heroes do!?"

- she also secretly buys hero merch but hides it in fear of her being seen as sappy

Amajiki Tamaki

- would have trouble standing up for himself but if he sees ANYONE messing with mirio he WILL throw hands

- likes to watch bob ross videos when hes feeling anxious

- he once went to a butterfly museum with his parents and cried out of joy when one landed on his nose

- leaves food out for strays in his neighborhood, ends up attracting an entire hoard of animals.

- he can paint very nicely, he began to paint after he discovered bob ross

- mirio then saw his paintings and showed the entire class to tamaki's dismay, but everyone absolutely LOVED them!!!

- every day he becomes more and more capable and sure of himself, he is still very anxious, but he's learning to open up and embrace his talents <3

- he really loves to listen to music and any time he's not around others he'll probably have earbuds in, gently swaying back and forth to whatever he has on

- nejire loves to try out new hairstyles on him, and strangely enough, tamaki lets her, he loves it when people play with his hair

Shirakumo Oboro

- shares one collective braincell with mic

- that one person that brings EVERYONE valentine treats on valentines day at school

- most likely plays ding dong ditch

- *draws stick figure* "ah yes. just like van goh" (he cannot draw)

- hates to see his friends (and even random strangers upset) and will go out of his way to do dumb things to make them smile

- probably played soccer

- he's a massive flirt and likes to believe he will become a stereotypical anime protagonist with a massive harem

- he really wants to see aizawa come out of his shell more and tries his best to encourage him to see the best in everything

- he has most likely worn a schoolgirl uniform to class once

- he's very affectionate and loves to hug his friends (even if they don't want hugs), it's his way of showing he likes people

Hizashi Yamada

- he lives off of caffeine. he is a teacher, pro hero, and radio show host, im honestly not sure how he does it

- gives out stickers when students get the correct answer in class and has class parties when they are well behaved for the semester

- just like everyone else, he has his own turmoil as well, he likes to stay busy because it prevents him from having a lot of time to dwell on the past

- he gives really good hugs, and loves to feel the touch of others, it's very comforting to him

- was probably pretty troublesome when he was very young while he learned to get control of his quirk

- overall a really happy and excitable guy, he loves being the center of attention and if he can make people happy by being what he is, that's awesome!

- he shows his appreciation for people in odd ways, but he always means good, even if his wild antics can be a bit stressful lol

- he likes to sing a lot and does it a bunch when he's alone, he can also play a lot of instruments

- he can be very serious if needed, he does often put on a persona when he's present mic

- when he's hizashi (out of hero persona) he's even more of a dork than usual, very goofy, awkward and pouty. a manchild.

OK so I reached my image limit, if u guys wanna see the rest I might post some more later PLUS feel free to request some in my asks, I don't really know how all that stuff works bc I'm kinda new to Tumblr but ILL FIGURE IT OUT

[imaginationintowords]

Not Good Enough *part four*

Avengers x Reader miniseries

word count: 2019

Plot: Reader has her first day at her new job, and then gets a surprise visit.

Part one Part two Part three

[a/n: Sorry it took so long, school got really busy. But I am officially done with this semester. Hopefully this was worth the wait! The next part will be the last! Also if I forgot to tag you please let me know!]

Tagged: @firstonetoleave @nerdy-jelly-art @const4ntines @coldfacedwarf @mrs-hemmo1999 @l0kisbitch @lula132 @thetimidsarcasticcat @1awesomeash @littlephoenix-🔥 @xxxxnovagalaxyxxxx @inumorph @babymintuniverse @ohmygoditsanthonyedwardstark @thefridgeismybestie @strangersstranger @dottirose @cremextart @im-just-another-monster @izzy10718 @delicately-important-trash @daniellajocelyn @damn-me-to-hell @leenat23 @universaljasmine @thevanishedillusion @animegirlgeeky @taddlitu

Permanent tagged: @purplesatinsheets @definitelynotafangirl @1awesomeash @princess-evans-addict @want-to-watch-it-burn

__________________

My alarm went off at 6 a.m. I started with a shower and got ready for my first day at Oscorp.

I looked at the clock and it read 7:15. I had to leave in the next 5 minutes if I wanted to get to Oscorp by 8.

I walked into the kitchen to find my grandma pouring coffee into a travel cup for me.

“Good morning.” she smiled handing me the closed cup.

“Morning.” I smiled back, taking a sip of the hot caffeinated beverage.

“How’d you sleep?” she asked, taking a sip of her own coffee.

“Okay. I’m anxious to start the day.” I tell her.

“I’m sure everything will go smoothly.” she positively reassures me.

“I better go if I don’t want to be late.” I tell her grabbing my bag and heading for the door.

“Have a good day.” she calls out.

“Thanks.” I call back opening the front door to be greeted by an orchid on the floor.

I picked it up and placed it on the table by the door. I grabbed the card, it read:

“[Y/N], I know I’m the last person you want to see/talk to. Please we need to talk. -Tony.”

I pocketed the card and left, closing the front door behind me.

The best thing for me to do is to push Tony, and the rest of the Avengers to the back of my mind.

I got to Oscorp with 5 minutes to spare. I sat in the lobby waiting for Norman.

“[Y/N]!” I heard a few minutes later.

“Hi, Mr. Osborn.” I stood up, shaking his hand.

“What did I say, call me Norman.” he greeted.

“Right. That’ll take some getting used to.”

“Come on, let me show you around, before I take you to the lab.” he smiles.

Norman spent the first hour giving me a thorough tour of Oscorp. Things like where the cafeteria is at, restrooms, certain offices, etc.

“Now time to show you where you’ll be making the magic happen.” he says as we get into the elevator. He presses the 8 button.

“Floors 8-12 are the lab floors. 8 is where you’ll be stationed mostly at.”

The doors open and we’re greeted by a completely blinding floor. Everything is white with blinding fluorescent lights. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust.

“We are currently focused on making clean reusable energy accessible to everyone. Starting here in New York, then nationwide, then the world.” he optimistically explained, walking in front of her.

I take a look around. A lot of the equipment looks similar to what we were using at Stark Industries. But I know for a fact that Oscorp is at least 3 years behind Stark.

“Obviously with your help we’ll be able to achieve that goal faster.”

“I hope so.” I wearily say, trying to keep up with Norman’s quick pace.

“Oh I know so.” he remarks, glancing towards her.

“I’m sure you know all about this type of technology because of Stark.” he says.

“Uh not really.” I hesitate.

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t work in the clean energy department at Stark Industries.” I lie, “I was basically Tony’s assistant.

It didn’t feel right telling Norman what I did with Tony. Whatever happened between Tony and I won’t be a proper excuse for selling Tony out. He’s been working on all of this far longer than I’ve been involved.

"Tony really wasted your abilities on just being his assistant." Norman scoffs.

We walk into another portion of the lab to be greeted by a man around my age.

"And here he is. [Y/N] this is Doctor Brendan Octavius. Brendan this is the brilliant [Y/F/N]. You two will be working alongside together." Norman introduces us.

"Nice to meet you." he extends his hand.

"You too." I politely say.

"Well, I'll leave you two to it." Norman nods his head, and goes off on his own way.

"So we're working on a new clean energy prototype to show to the governor."Brendan explains to me.

"Oh. The governor?" I questioned.

"Yeah. He wants to look for other ways to provide reusable energy for the smaller urban cities."

"Oh. That's amazing." I try and genuinely say.

Little does he know the governor has already signed a huge deal with Stark Industries. It was supposed to be announced next week, on Earth Day.

"When Tony Stark announced his clean energy initiative, Norma was so upset. Rightfully so. Stark has way more help due to his daddy's money." he rants on.

I wince a little at that comment.

"Everyone only agrees with him because he's Iron Man." he rolls his eyes, as he continues his rant.

"Well, tony has been working towards this for ten plus years." I hesitantly say, starting to get slightly offended.

"He does have a lot of leeway because he is Iron Man, but his credibility is reliable." I continue, watching Brendan's reaction become even more sour.

"You work for Oscorp now. Are we going to have a loyalty issue here? Because from what I heard, Stark had no problem getting rid of you." he glares at me, I can just feel the hatred and anger coming off of him, scaring me a bit.

"No. There won't be any issues." I tell him, slowly backing away from his intense glare.

What the hell have I gotten myself into.

For the rest of the day I remained quiet, just following closely to what Brendan was doing.

By the end of the day I just wanted to go home. Throughout the day Brendan kept talking down on me, as if I had no clue what he was working on. He put me down at any chance he got. I just wanted to get home and have big glass of wine and a hot bath.

As I walk down the hall towards the apartment, I notice someone sitting down in front of it. As I got closer the person notices me.

"James? What are you doing here?" I ask the man, as I stop in front of him.

"Hey. No one answered, so I thought I would just wait." he said pointing to the door, as he gets up from his spot in front of it.

"My grandma goes to bingo on Monday nights." I tell him.

"Can we please talk?" he asks, pleading with his eyes.

"Sure. Come in." I say opening the door and letting him inside.

I drop my stuff on the kitchen counter and let out a sigh.

"Want anything to drink?" I ask grabbing the wine and glasses.

"No thank. I'm good." he says eyeing my pouring the wine almost to the brim of the glass.

"Rough day?" he asks, sitting down on a  stool at the counter.

"Rough month." I say taking a sip, but keeping eye contact with him.

"About that. That's what I came here to talk about."

"You can save the schpeel. I heard Tony and Steve when they came by yesterday." I tell him, taking another sip.

"You didn't hear the whole thing. Plus it's me, I wouldn't bullshit you." he tells me.

"Wouldn't you? Steve is your best friend."

"Yeah, but he's fucking idiot. Him and Tony. They handled everything all wrong. I wasn't there, but from what I heard you didn't deserve that kind of treatment." he says.

"But didn't I? I fucked up that mission badly. People got hurt. You got hurt." I tell him, feeling my eyes start to tear up.

After the day I had, there was no use in hiding my emotions, not around Bucky.

Bucky and I had gotten close this past year, since he got back from Wakanda. We were just enjoying each other's company, no added pressure. Our job comes with enough of that, you don't really want that to follow your personal life.

We provided each other with a safe haven. We went to each other whenever we were having a hard time. Free of judgment. Nothing physical had happened between us, besides the occasional falling asleep in the other's bed after a bad night.

There was an unspoken rule between us, there was no rush. Bucky was just getting used to the modern world, after coming back from Wakanda. He was still adjusting to the modern New York life. We also respected each other too much to rush it. It'll happen when it does, and I'm willing to wait as long as James needed.

"I'm sorry." he apologizes at the sight of tears, he come sup to wrap his arms around me. I graciously accept them.

"It's not your fault." I sniffle.

"I should've noticed sooner you weren't home. We all just assumed you were avoiding us." He said, rubbing my back gently.

"I was." I sniffled some more, his grip getting tighter.

After a few moments, I calmed down and pulled away from Bucky.

"I'm good now." I tell him, looking up at him.

"You sure?" his hand loosely on my hips.

"Yeah. I'm good." I reassure him, giving him a smile.

"Can we talk about what happened? If you're up for it. I just need to understand." he softly says.

"Sure. Lets go sit." I say leading him towards the couch.

We sat down a cushion apart, facing each other.

"What don't you understand?" I ask, my arm draped on the back of the couch.

"Why you left." he says, also draping his arm on the back of the couch.

"Because I'm not cut out to be an Avenger. I'm the weakest link." I tell him.

"Bullshit. Where'd you get that from?" he says flabbergasted.

"Everyone."

"What? No one thinks that. No one has ever thought that before. " he says confused.

"Don't lie. You don't need to protect my feelings anymore." I roll my eyes.

"Come on [Y/N], why the hell would I ever lie to you. We don't do that." he stresses seriously, "Tony and Steve were complete dicks with how they treated you. You never deserved that."

"Yes I did. I fucked up, and critically injured the team." I tell him, feeling myself becoming aggravated.

"Stop. Stop it." he says, becoming more frustrated.

"That was not your fault. You lost control, but the type of powers you have are still developing. You haven't even had your time abilities for a year. They're still new to you. Tony and Steve knew that. It was a chance they wanted to take, you were even unsure about it, you told them that. What happened back there should've been on them. You can only hold time for so long before you get tired. But that doesn't make you weak, it just means you're still learning. The same happens with Wanda, doesn't make it her fault." Bucky explains.

"Please believe me when I say, this wasn't your fault. Believe me when I say, you aren't the weakest member of this team. You're one of the strongest and smartest. Whatever, or whoever made you believe otherwise is completely wrong." he passionately says.

I was overcome with emotion, and couldn't help the tears falling down my face.

"I'm sorry you had to go through all of this alone. I'm sorry you ever had those thoughts." he begins, gently wiping the tears off my face.

"We need you [Y/N]. I need you." he says, looking me in the eyes. I look into his to see the tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

"What if I lose control again? What if next time it costs someone's life?" I say.

"What if you don't?"

"I'm scared." I confess to him, choking up.

"Aren't we all? Isn't that what makes us human?" he softly says, rubbing my hand.

"We need you [Y/N]." he says holding my hand.

"Please, can you come back home?" he says, the words getting caught in his throat as he fights back his tears.

"Okay. Since you asked so nicely." I joked, cutting the tension.

"Thank-you." he lets out a breathy laugh, shaking his head, smiling so big. He scooted closer and gave me a hug.

"I'll just have to go down to Oscorp tomorrow and let Norman know I'll be leaving." I tell him, as we pull apart.

"While you do that, I'll head back to the compound and let everyone know you're coming back." he smiles, my stomach and face dropping a little.

"It's going to be okay. Trust me. Everyone is going to be over the moon to see you. I promise." he reassures me, I nod in response.

"Can you do me one favor?" I ask him.

"Anything."

"Can you please stay the night with me?" I ask.

"Of course." he smiles, standing up from the couch, and holding out his hand. I smile grabbing it as he pulls me up.

"Lead the way."

[gg-astrology]

so i dont know if you’re still doing detailed astrology analysis on kpop stars but i’ve started to develop the biggest crush on christian yu so i would like to know your thoughts on his chart because you’re the only astrology account i trust on this app. love u :)

Hey there!! 💓💗💞 I haven’t been doing it in a while huh but I just searched him up and he seems v interesting!! ;; 💓💗💞💓💗💞 Am sorry I literally know nothing about him BUT I just searched him up and he seems to be v popular on ig??? and he used to be in c-clown but that’s literally it?? so i’m coming in blind ;; 💓💗💞💓💗💞I’ll do my best!! 💓💗💞💓💗💞 Ps. I’m glad you!! like the account um!!! ;; 💓💗💞💓💗💞 I don’t go out on the tags so I have no idea what’s going on in the? astro social world on tumblr anymore but i’m sure they may be? great astro acc out there!! but thank u!! 💓💗💞💓💗💞

Christian Yu - Brief Look ⬇️

Sun/Moon opposition with Virgo/Pisces, talent triangles between his Scorpio Pluto/Capricorn Saturn (and outer planets)/Virgo Sun/Mercury - Gemini Mars AND Leo Venus that’s inconjunct to his Pisces Moon wow!! 💓💗💞💓💗💞

So I’ll walk you through, notice his Virgo Sun/Mercury and Gemini Mars? They’re squares but that also means he’s amazing at relaying his thoughts/personal opinions (esp. with combust mercury) even though it frustrates him sometimes. He probably does his best, or constantly try to strive for his best at self-expression even though it frustrates him to come back and think about it. At certain times, because it’s in opposition to his Pisces Moon (that seems to be a bucket handle/singleton) he may often process this emotionally. Virgo/Pisces can be quite hard on themselves, but with time (i’m sure he’s learnt) that self-management helps him work through his mental state better. More so than that, the re-occuring theme Virgo/Pisces (anyone else with this) has to look out for is the sudden anxiety of coming back online or feeling the need/obligation to do so for others. Dependability even when - like, when they were doing it, they think ‘hey this is nothing like what i was worried about lol it’s actually v relaxing/fun to do!’ - or just, y know meeting someone for the first time in a while can make them anxious because there’s expectations they set on themselves to do well. However, he DOES have a Leo Venus/Gemini Mars and Capricorn Saturn - so what this does is quell some of the anxiety a bit- like ‘ah fuck it! let’s just do it!’ tends to help a lot with cardinally getting shit done. I mentioned Leo Venus/Gemini Mars bc they’re squared- talking about action, the idea of just doing something and getting it done provided also by Capricorn Saturn - trusting in the security/stability of what was already established- tends to help with that mutable energy/anxiety once you’ve tuned in on how to use it! 💓💗💞

For those who may - also- suffer from mutable anxiety- literally just do something and keep an open-mind. Things will turn out for the better, tune into that flippable energy that allows you to be on your toes and handle a situation as it comes. There is less of a chance of a situation that you won’t know how to handle than there is one where you can work it out on the fly. AND it turning out better than over-thinking it! If you suffer from your mouth being loose and regretting it later - turn that emotional shame/embarrassment into a conscious goal - like a thought - ‘ok im NOT going to do that next time and be conscious of doing THIS instead, as it sets my foot on the right path and THEN i can run with it’ -- this can tend to help adopt a better habit/routine and ALSO make you utilize YOUR energy in an efficient way!! 

Ok so, back to him. Virgo/Pisces sun-moon. Let’s get it. I don’t think his Leo Venus would? allow him to think about these things consciously. Being true to himself is key (more about that later) but underlying everything/decisions -  there’s a core/stem of - Is he doing enough? Is it emotionally true? Is he being sincere/genuine or was it him striving for practicality/reality of the situation? Pisces Moon has a sensitive touch to self-expression, so these things ‘ringing true’ or somewhat ‘true’ gives him the emotional releases he needs. If it doesn’t - then occasionally it’ll drive the person up the wall with how ‘genuine’ (or calling themselves ‘disingenuous’) they’re being (or striving to be). They want to do their best, and with that Virgo in mind, he’s probably constantly trying to perform his best no matter if it’s in his daily life or something else.

Another cool thing to note is also Virgo/Leo in a person- they tend to be more ‘ah fuck it’ about certain things. A problem they can’t solve (on paper/text-book?) even with research? Take a break. It’ll come. There’s solutions to stuff, but with the practicality of Virgo and with the instinctive self-assessment of Leo - they can APPEAR to be something but is actually rather chill and laid-back about it. Certain things that people drive themselves up the wall over- they tend to learn life-lessons and in not over-stressing themselves, and trying to find the best/practical solution instead (think efficient not hard) - even if that Leo can be lazy but ALSO work hard when it FEELS like it wants to.  

That ties into Leo Venus now, with Leo Venus squaring Gemini Mars (even though it’s out of sign) - he may strive to be a person who walks the walk, not just talk the talk. This is more of a personal goal/attention in detail to keep in mind- from like, an internal point of view. This Leo Venus can talk about desire to be true to the self, and if it’s squaring Gemini Mars- sometimes it may feel like what he’s saying doesn’t completely align- unless he’s obstinate enough to think he believes in what he says and roll with the punch/oblivious to it anyways. And thus working on perfecting that, remedying or contributing to saying what it is he can back up is important. Not just this- but with Capricorn Saturn trine to his Sun/Mercury - he has his head set in building a sincere, concrete and reliable ‘realness’ in his personality and public respect. Self-expression IS key, especially with Leo/Pisces in his personal placement and luminary. Most likely, it’s about the intuition and does it ‘feel’ right part of himself that can drive him forward. As that Pisces is also his bucket handle, and thus everything he does - all of his placements, as assessed/have to pass through that Pisces Moon in order for it to express itself openly. 

Integrity is also a key thing for Leo Venus especially, considering Venus talks about relationships and other people. Seeing this in others is important, the idea of walking the walk and talking the talk. Certain people who only flaunts/talks about certain things, or are one-dimensional in their ideas/thinking can be frustrating to be around. Especially with someone who has Capricorn Saturn, Virgo Sun/Mercury, Scorpio Pluto aspected to those two and a Leo Venus. Show off your colors but care more about the things underneath, whats the idea underneath it and does it shine through in their self-expression? There’s genuinity that drives him forward, as well as intellectual property of something- it’s potential/what to do with it. These things are important, and it’s what ‘dazzles’ the Leo Venus to be attracted to these ideas/concept because it allows space for them to share these things with like-minded or people they can communicate with on a ‘real’ level. But these are - y know- people, so it’s hard to find and also very circumstantial!!! 

Anyways. More about him. Capricorn Saturn. Being treated and trusted as someone who is stable/credited as genuine or real to the best of his ability/what he perceive is lacking from others/the world is important. And often with Virgo Sun/Mercury - relaying it down into words/written can often help with that. It’s also a part of a talent triangle he has. It aspects his Capricorn Uranus/Neptune as well - but I’ll talk about Saturn since it’s? more of an impact/important. 

Capricorn Saturn/Virgo Sun-Mercury we talk about realness right? Reputable, doesn’t matter if it’s a slow start as long as it’s genuine and built by their own genuinity and sincerity. Scorpio Pluto adds to this with it’s sextile position to both of these placements - sometimes it’s about seeing/analyzing and observing what IS lacking from the ‘truth’ of the world and making sure the Capricorn/Virgo adds influence to that. The fire venus certainly adds to it’s flame- wanting to show it’s genuine desire to be ‘it self’ (and is itself, but more importantly to be accepted as itself) - whilst Gemini Mars is the outlet- keeps it on the toes, on his feet. Working on it. Say what’s need to be said, sometimes- unexpectedly or without realizing the consequences. BUT it’s sextile to Jupiter in Leo - thus, it probably often works out. When it’s said with the subtext of teaching someone how to be truer to themselves or self-expression. 

There’s a strive/desire to make changes happen coming from that talent triangle, Scorpio Pluto as the apex working with his Virgo Sun/Mercury’s natural talent and focus on those desires. If you can imagine- if Scorpio Pluto focuses and zooms into perspectives/pov at hand, analyzes and collects what needs to be done with it - then this sextile to the Virgo Sun/Mercury helps form a clearly analytically strong- and often opinionated/constructive thought/expression in order for it to be expressed out into the world. They’re often intelligent, but also tends to not - notice or realize this about themselves? Things closer to the Sun are often blinded by it’s light. The Ego can often make things personal without one realizing it’s tied to it. Changes happens, whether it’s in his expression or something else. Because it affects other people’s lives as well, perhaps those in need (Capricorn/Leo honestly) 

But.. yeah!  💓💗💞 That’s all I have for now.. here’s the chart I pulled up to use below, no birthtime ;; but yes! 💓💗💞 Sorry I don’t -- know him well so I can’t speak much specifically on what? he does or something. But I hope this is ok!! 💓💗💞 Thanks for asking! 💓💗💞

[flowrxchild]

I was tagged by the sweet @moonchildwildheart thanks lovey! I love these kinds of tags they’re so much fun!! ❤️

What was the last thing you read?

My study notes for an essay T-T

Favourite movie?

Moonrise Kingdom!

Favourite book?

It’s been the Goldfinch for a long time but as of recently I’ve fallen in love with Jenny Slate’s Little Weirds

Dream date?

Ouu like a picnic or stargazing of something like that. Laying face down in the mud under a full moon could be romantic if you rlly think about it.

Do you have a crush?

I don’t think there’s been a moment of my waking life that I havnt...

What are your hobbies?

I love to paint! I used do a lot of art but life’s kept me really busy as of recently and I don’t get to do it as much as I’d like :(

What’s your favourite time of day?

Late afternoon/golden hour! Ik it’s corny but it’s so pretty how could you not be in love???

If you could look like anything, what would you look like?

The Celestial Seasonings Sleetime Tea bear. That’s literally all I want for myself.

Are you romantic?

*leans dramatically on a staircase clutching my forehead* yes.

What’s your favourite type of weather?

Warm and lightly breezy. The opposite of whatever hell it is now in Canada...

What do you like talking about?

Movies and music always. I’m obviously a dork about it.

What are your turn ons?

Attentive affection like when someone touches you when they talk to you or eye contact I’m like 👁👄👁

Turn offs?

Rudeness. If someone’s mean or pushy yuck

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

I have a lot of stick and pokes everywhere that are super random lol but if I had to get an official one it’d probably be something floral on my arm?? I’m too indecisive to be a tattoo person :/

Do you have any pets?

I have a stinker of a black cat named Odin and he’s the loveliest boy to ever be

Dream job?

Something in the film industry...still to be determined

Dream place to live?

In the country? I’ve lived in a big city all my life and I’ve always wanted to be somewhere quieter and more serene

Dream vacation?

I don’t really know tbh...I love traveling anywhere so any trip would be a dream!

Do you have any piercings?

My ears and my cartilage. Used to have my septum but rip to her :(

If you had kids, what would you name them?

I really don’t know I always feel like the only person who doesn’t have a list I think...

What are your best traits?

My sense of humour has gotten me through a lot...Something bad will happen and I am forced to laugh in its face. Call it what it is: big goblin energy...Also I cherish my artistic eye aahasksk

Worst traits?

I’m a horribly distracted person lmao which makes me maybe the worlds worst reciever of information... I’ve been called flightly and disinterested because of it :( im also super anxious and i let it get the best of me sometimes...

What’s your worst fear?

Losing the people I love. Not being able to experience certain things.

What do you want to eat right now?

Im always craving brownies. I could eat a brownie rn I would not complain.

What’s your best vacation you’ve ever been on?

I’ve not traveled a ton but I went to London when I was 16 and I loved every minute of it!

Favourite city?

Gotta be biased and say my home Toronto! Even though I complain about it a lot, it’s raised me well!

Favourite social media platform?

Tumblr and twitter for sure! They’re kind of addictive

Favourite article of clothing?

Right now, it’s my black turtleneck. Gotta love a classic turtleneck ammirite?

Do you play any sports?

Bold of you to assume my bones are able to carry my akward ass in any other form besides walking. When I was a kid my parents forced me to play soccer and I literally used to lay in the field and pretend I was too sick to stand. Like during the game. The melodrama has not toned down since.

Favourite meal of the day?

Dinner I guess? It’s got the most yumminess possibility. The yummy levels are over 9000

What are you excited for?

Christmas break! This semester is beating my ass and I can’t wait for it to no longer be

Not excited for?

My finals.

When was the last time you cried?

Last night over the amount of work I had to do LOL

Dream house?

Omg a cabin or like a cottage home!! uGh itd be a dream!! Jus me and the trees

What’s something you hate about the world?

Injustice, prejudice and ignorance. I have no tolerance for it and there seems to be a lot of it. Wish a lot more people would just have less hate in them.

What’s something you love about the world?

It’s beauty!! Even outside of things that make me frustrated or terrified, the world always shows us reasons to love and reasons to live and I gotta remember that!

What scents do you like?

I love spicy “musky” smells lol I wear a unisex perfume cuz I love warmer smelling stuff like vanilla etc..

What kind of sleeper are you?

Not a good one ahahsjssk

Are you a cat or dog person?

Typically, I’m a dog person but I love cats just the same!

How long would you survive in a zombie apocalypse?

Literally like a couple hours I’d see a singular zombie and immediately fart and die from fear 😔✊🏻

Are you trusting?

I think so? But I have a really strong intuition when it comes to people so i give trust where it’s due

What fictional character do you identify with?

Idk this is a hard one I’m never good at picking one for myself lol

What labels do you commonly get?

I get sensitive a lot.. especially when I was little and I used to hate it cuz I used to see the negative in it but I think us sensitive people have got to start using it as a strength! (And maybe people should be less mean also ahshag)

What song would be your life anthem?

This is another hard one but I guess just my fave song: Jimi Hendrix’ Voodoo Chile?

What issues are you dealing with rn?

Erm school and being anxious I guess...schools been stressing me out and it’s hard going to class when you’re just terrified of everything but I’m working on it so 💩

How can someone win you over?

Literally just be nice I am not hard to win over Loool

What’s something about you people don’t know?

I don’t really talk about it a ton but I’m adhd and was diagnosed super late in life so I spent most of my childhood and teens thinking that I was just a spaz who had a lot to think about but my brain was straight up goofing the whole time lmao I’m slowly starting to learn to cope with it but it’s been a tough journey especially being in uni and trying to do adult things. So I’m sending a hug to anyone else who also suffers because it is not an easy ride <3

I’d like to tag (and ik this is a long one so feel free to ingnore me if u don’t want to) @cantbehandled-ever @satans-helper @seven-seas-of-hi @karrotkate @v-i-d-e-n-o-i-r @lazingonsunday @thatflowerpower @eatmyshiftsticky @shes-outta-sight @pvre-mourning @aint-no-denying @dreams-madeof-strawberrylemonade ⭐️✨⭐️✨⭐️✨

[calypsolemon]

reconciling the past with my demisexuality - crossposted from twitter

original thread here

(image is a screenshot of my twitter which reads: “I was going to make an art for #AceWeek but honestly, I'm way too low on energy. So I'm just gonna talk about it instead: This year I discovered I wasn't just ace, but demisexual. and it's been a little wild feeling emotions I've literally never felt my whole life-”)

“I feel like I suddenly understand a lot of feelings allos have expressed that were absolute nonsense to me before. At the same time, there's still a lot of things I feel like I will still never "get", like being attracted to someone you've never even talked to before lol. 

“But furthermore, it's played a little hell while trying to reconcile this new information with experiences from my past, specifically when I look back at my childhood/teenage fears surrounding future relationships and sex. 

“I have vivid memories of stressing over my future relationships as a teen. I knew I always wanted to have a partner eventually - I stressed at the thought of being lonley - but I assumed I was locked in to being the girlfriend (and eventual wife) of a cis heterosexual man. 

“I also assumed that sex was the great consummator of relationships. I was aware I didn't feel attraction in that way, even as early as 13/14, and I was terrified I would end up in a relationship with someone I really loved, but they wouldn't believe I loved them back, bc of that.

“like some sort of catch 22, the thought of a partner who wouldn't find my lack of sexual attraction abhorrent didn't even cross my mind. My only two options seemed to resign myself to being single, or lie about my discomfort and let partners think I liked sex when I didn't.

“since the latter part absolutely terrified me, I tended towards the former. Which really, wasn't very hard at the time. There weren't exactly a lot of men around me that I wanted to date, and my family didn't exactly want me to be interacting with boys at my age anyways.

“but I still felt the ever-looming pressure that I would have to date *eventually*. That I could only hide behind maturity and focus on school and keeping myself for jesus for so long before people would go from respecting my decision, to judging it.

“I was really lucky to have discovered the term asexual so early, to be honest. It felt like someone reached straight into my anxious thoughts and yanked me out, and told me I didn't have to live with those dreaded expectations anymore. That I could just live for myself.

“It was so reassuring, that for the next six years of my life, one of the only identity labels that stayed consistent throughout my queer self-discovery was, asexual. And there was really no reason to change that. Up until this year.

“I should clarify, discovering my demisexuality hasn't been a bad experience. If anything, it was just sort of an "oh, alright" moment. I kind of just... realized that I felt completely differently towards the person I was with now, than any other person I had ever been with.

“And I'm pretty much ok with that. At this point in my life, I'm secure enough in my identity that a little change hasn't rocked the boat too much. And my partner is literally the most understanding and patient person I've ever met when it comes to these matters, which helps ; ;

“but i occasionally find myself looking back at the teenage version of myself, who was terrified of this sort of outcome. Who wanted more than anything to escape the idea of having to sexually engage with a romantic partner. Am I betraying them?

“I like to think not. there's a lot of factors at play here that I couldn't even imagine back then. Like me being nonbinary, and dating a queer partner. Or my partner being perfectly ok with my asexuality before I even realized I was demi at all.

“I guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter too much what I felt back then, since that person is gone, and I'm existing as I am now, and I'm happy. It's not even like I've entirely dropped the ace label (im effectively ace in every other aspect of my life after all)

“...I guess I really just wanted to share my experience with asexuality growing up before the week was over, and talk a bit about my demisexual experience now, since its new to me, and I think these stories are important to share.” 

an important thread for ace week that I didn’t want to just leave on twitter. I decided against just screenshotting it all because I’d have to caption it anyways, and the formatting would be hell. I hope its useful or interesting for somebody.

[cozydnp-archive]

Aly I'm so depressed, I have school tomorrow and I probably won't go bc my depression and anxiety take all of my energy, I can't even be around ppl without having an anxiety attack, i am repeating this school year but it's still so difficult I just can't even get myself out of bed to go, the thought makes me actually sick, my parents keep saying that I'm lazy bc I failed school last year but it got so bad I started cutting again, fuck I feel so useless and fucking dumb (1/2)

i can't sleep at nigth, I get anxious thinking about the next day and sometimes I have nigthmares too, tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist so that kinda makes me feel better but fuck in the morning in gonna get yelled at for not wanting to even get out of bed and im terrified I hate myself so fucking much why can't I be normal, sorry for rambling I just feel comfortable with u (2/2)

Hey. So two things I want you to know right away: you are not useless for struggling and no matter what people tell you, do not believe for a second that you are lazy. Mental illness is awful and is literally an illness that makes everyday tasks and “easy” functions feel daunting and exhausting. You can’t help it, it’s literally in the chemical components of your brain. If someone can’t see inside of your head and hasn’t been through what you’re going through then they do not have the right to tell you how much you are or aren’t trying. Trust me. I’ve been there, I’ve felt the same, I know how awful and isolating it feels. Forcing yourself into things that give you anxiety or worsen your symptoms is like forcing someone to walk on a leg after they’ve broken it. And no one understands. I want you to know that I do.

Honestly, school is one of the most stressful things a young person can do and when I look back on my high school days all I can think is “some of that was fun, but thank god i don’t have to do it again.” Something I really wish someone had told me of a few years ago is that it’s okay to take days off when you need it. Actually, it’s also okay to repeat classes, okay to repeat school years, okay not to race into adult life which no one is ever ready for anyways. You have time, and there is nothing wrong with you for needing it. Before anything else, you come first. No exceptions. I wish I could speak to whoever thinks yelling at you is going to help the problem. All I can say is they’re wrong. No paper or grade is worth wanting to die or feeling like a failure because you’re too exhausted to even care about something that feels so irrelevant.

Talk to you therapist. Be honest with them and tell them that these are your feelings even if that might be hard. Therapy is a place where the voice is objective and your feelings are heard. You need a support in your life that doesn’t make you feel punished for doing what is in fact, the right thing. Look after yourself. I know you’ve probably heard this a hundred times but it really, genuinely does get better. You’re in the hardest part which is surviving through it right now, but you won’t always be stuck here. Thank you so much for trusting me with this and letting me listen to you. You can talk to me if you need me at any time, I’m here and I care.

[piamii]

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.