#i am still trying to get my adhd meds figured out though

[calware]

post about me. i added pictures to keep it interesting

i've had a problem for most of my life that i'm currently visualizing as a gray dorito poking into me. it's frustrating, inconvenient, difficult to deal with, and overall makes everything suck a little. many people have told me that this problem is most likely adhd, such as my therapist in high school who said it was "textbook." unfortunately, she was just a therapist, not a psychiatrist, and therefore wasn't actually qualified to diagnose me with anything. this was in 2021 when there were no child psychiatrists in my area accepting new patients (thanks, covid), so instead my doctor gave me a few adhd meds at differing doses to see if any of them stuck (i had literally no reaction to Any of them) and the whole thing went nowhere

so, is the problem actually adhd? i'm an adult now and could pay several hundred dollars (of my parent's money) to get a proper test, but it would make no difference as my issues would not be solved by adhd medication (maybe. i'm worried i somehow messed it up) or any form of accommodations. i don't want to ask my parents to pay for something that likely won't have much impact (and my mom wouldn't be fully convinced anyway. both parents are pretty sure there's nothing wrong with me). i want to know, but the time and money don't justify it. so the best solution i have is to keep going, keep learning which lifestyle changes to make and how to "work smarter". i'll be okay. and i say that with sincerity

whoops, forgot my glasses here. this is another gray dorito-shaped problem, only this one is much smaller. i rarely notice it, and when i do, it's superficial. it's only gotten genuinely bad twice in my life. it's my paranoia, obsessiveness, and, on occasion, compulsions that follow those obsessions. now, i know what you're thinking, which is that it kind of sounds like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. frankly, from my understanding, my issue is so negligible that it doesn't qualify as OCD. like i said, it barely affects me. it still bothers me that it's there, though. i do my best to deal with it, letting my thoughts pass as they come to me and not trying not to give into/breaking out of compulsions, but i just don't want it there at all

this is another thing i could see a therapist about, but does a problem this small really justify the time and expenses of seeing a professional? not in my case (not for me, at least. don't apply this to your own problems if you genuinely want to seek professional help)

i have a goal to have enough disposable income later in life to justify paying a scientist to pick through my brain for my own amusement. because, despite no substantial foreseeable improvements to my mental health after getting a psych evaluation, i still find the idea to be really exciting. i have a strong desire to understand how my mind works, how my brain ticks, why i am the person i am. that's how i know that if i ever played sburb, id have the heart aspect (that's right. you thought that this was just a personal post on my homestuck blog that had nothing to do with homestuck. do you really think i would do that? make off-topic posts solely about me on a homestuck blog? look, i even remembered to draw my glasses this time and i made them homestuck glasses. because i care about you guys) and i am vain and self-centered enough to desperately want someone with a phd to talk about me for an hour. and no, i don't need a therapist to tell me why that is, i already figured that one out allllll on my own

[actuallyadhd]

hi, sorry in advance if this isn't the kind of thing you are open to getting in your inbox, but i just don't know what to do with my feelings. i really hate my adhd. i spent my youth cruising through school and high achiever programs, being told i was going places, and nowadays i am nothing short of completely useless. i'm early in diagnosis to where i'm just starting with medication (15mg of ritalin twice a day at this stage) and haven't effects yet. it's already clear that the dose i'm going to need will be embarrassingly high.

ever since i told my friends, it's obvious that the diagnosis came out of left field for them and that they see me differently. i keep catching them giving me sympathetic looks after zoning out, fiddling with something, or presenting some other stereotypical symptom. i tried mentioning to them how i'm not getting results out of meds yet as a means of whinging since it is making me anxious and a little impatient, and their response was completely uninformed medical advice about how i should be taking them. they're also all talking about how they all probably have adhd too since we 'tend to glom together'. they're all straight-A students with no symptoms or functional issues, so i find this a little condescending. i might be imagining how they've starting talking down to me/talking slower. the diagnosis made me feel stupid enough without them acting like this, and now i just feel like a human joke.

i don't really know what the point of what i'm writing is anymore, but i'm struggling to get any assignments in, failing all my tests, my friends treat me different, my parents are unabashedly disappointed, the meds are taking too long to work, i'm lazy, dysfunctional, getting dumber every day, and my head is too fucking loud to keep living in.

i'm sick of how trying to have a thought feels like being a sentient pile of spaghetti wading through tar, and of not being able to read if my brain decides a particular paragraph is not to its liking, of not remembering anything, of struggling and not even being able to remember and articulate what with, and all the other bullshit. i probably just have to wait this out while we figure out meds, but i'm sorry for using this inbox to vent because i think that's what i'm doing as i can't really go to my friends. feel absolutely no pressure to respond, i might have just needed to wright this down and see it sent off somewhere. any advice is welcome if you have it though, lol.

Sent August 16, 2024

Oof, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. There's a lot here, so I'm going to try and go through it a bit at a time and tackle everything as I go.

First, this is absolutely the kind of thing I'm here to try and help with. No worries at all on that.

Second, this is a long one, so I'm putting in a cut.

I understand hating your ADHD. You feel how you feel, and that's okay. Reaching out for help is a fantastic way to deal with those emotions.

It sounds like you were a gifted student, and now that you have less of a schedule being imposed on you, you're struggling. That is totally normal, but it also sucks a lot.

You aren't "achieving your potential" or meeting expectations, and at this point they aren't just others' expectations, they're your own. I spent several months working through this issue years ago, and it still comes up for me regularly! The friend who walked me through it was incredibly patient with me, and their job in this case seemed to mainly consist of "why do you think you need to do this thing?" and then just continually asking why until we got to the bottom of it all.

Once you know what's at the base of the expectations, you're in a way better position to decide whether they're expectations you want to try to meet.

One of the good things about getting diagnosed is that it gives you information. Now you know why things are hard, and you can start looking for solutions that will actually work with your brain. You may find some of those solutions here, and you can always ask for help with specific issues.

Now, it's possible that Ritalin/methylphenidate isn't the right medication for you. It is also possible that the dose is too low; I don't know a lot about doses for Ritalin (I was initially put on Concerta but it was Very Bad so we switched to Dexedrine/amphetamine) but I used to know someone who took 150mg Ritalin every day, so that's a thing.

As for your friends, talk to them about how they're acting. Tell them that you don't appreciate the jokes or the different treatment. Explain that ADHD has been there all along, it just wasn't discovered earlier because your giftedness hid it. You are not a different person.

Having ADHD doesn't make you stupid. We've already established that you're gifted. I know what that's like; I was this flavour of twice-exceptional, too, and I was 28 with my ADHD was finally diagnosed. I know that doesn't help how you feel right now, but it is true.

For your school stuff, talk to your instructors about getting extensions so you can try to get caught up. Go to your school's disability services office and talk to them about what you can access in terms of accommodations. Set yourself a schedule for studying and working on assignments that you stick to no matter what.

I'm not sure why your parents are disappointed. If it's your school performance, I get it. Showing them that you're doing your best will help a lot with that. If it's the ADHD itself, that's not your fault. ADHD is hugely genetic, so it's just a thing that happens and probably you have relatives who also have ADHD, or at least people who would probably qualify for a diagnosis.

Medication can take a while to figure out, and it can be difficult to deal with waiting while you get the right medication and the right dose. At the same time, you may not notice a difference right away; so much depends on the person and the medication.

Now, you are not lazy or getting "dumber" every day. You have ADHD, which means you have executive dysfunction. That is hard because the world is not set up for people like us, so when we struggle we compare ourselves to other people and that's never a good idea.

I have a suggestion for helping you feel better about yourself, and then I have some resources for you to look at.

Start a scrapbook that's just about good things about you. Make a page for things you're interested in (or a page per interest). Do something about your favourite colour, things you have done for other people, etc. The idea is that then you can look at this book and remind yourself of the good things about who you are as a person.

As for resources, here are a couple of posts over on the main Actually ADHD site that might help with some of what you're struggling with. Most of the posts there include printables, so do have a look and see if those might help you at all.

Followers, do you have any other suggestions for this anon?

-J

[arionawrites]

yknow i remembered that you were making an aftg powerpoint

and i was wondering how that was going! (and if you posted it and i missed it)

okay so i haven't worked on it much in a while, life got very hectic

(my mom's car, which i've been borrowing since my car was totaled last year, broke down and i had to speed up the process of getting a new car while having to ask people for rides so that i could still get to work, and just in general the seasonal depression has been heavy and hard to get out of, though it's finally fading now that it's brighter out and i'm remembering to consistently take my meds again, one of which is a medication to help my blood sugars stay in range and has made my feel a LOT better, and another medication for my recently diagnosed ADHD which has been helping with my focus and motivation, so overall the past like four/five days have left me finally feeling SO MUCH better and helped with my energy so i have FINALLY!!!! started being more productive and doing the things i enjoy again)

but the presentation is going VERY in depth with my like recap and analysis of it, so i only got about halfway through the second chapter of the foxhole court before losing motivation and i finally picked my copy of the book up last night to keep working on it.

so basically: i haven't posted it (i'm gonna make a note to tag you when i do, because total transparency: it was mostly your posts and reblogs about aftg that piqued my interest and resulted in me buying the books to read on my phone in march 2023) and i haven't gotten very far into it yet, and also i was planning to include the extra content which has been deleted so i'm trying to figure out if that's still something i'd want to include and i'm also gonna try to include the sunshine court as well, but also i might just copy what i have of the powerpoint so far to google slides instead of microsoft and then share the link so people who want to look at it while i'm working on it are able to? unsure, wouldn't mind opinions to help me decide, but it is happening and i am gonna try to finish chapter two and start chapter three this weekend!!

[scyllas-revenge]

Hi there! Just wanted to reach out as I'm going to start my annual re-read of BLCI and thank you for this work of art (no joke here) you have put out into the world :)

Know its been a while since the last chapter and completely understand that life can get in the way but I sincerely sincerely wish you do have plans to continue it :) If you have any Beeromir (?? not sure if there is a ship name? Can't figure out how to do the squared symbol on my laptop for B squared...) tidbits that you are willing to share I would be forever grateful.

Thank you again!! :)

ANNUAL REREAD??

I'm trying- and failing- to find the right words to express how much this means to me. Thank you so much!! I am hugging this ask to my heart (or I would if I wasn't scared I'd break my laptop). And thank you for not giving up on me- I never meant to go on a hiatus at all, although I did realize that there were still some plot points I needed to iron out before I could move forward with the fic. And then yeah life got in the way. Still, things are looking up- I turned 30, found a therapist, am taking ADHD meds, got an inhaler, traveled solo overseas for the first time, saw the northern lights- I am unstoppable!! XD

ANYWAY! I am very much still working on this fic, and I have a good chunk of the next chapters done. I don't trust myself to give a specific date lol, but it'll be updated again, I promise!

I'm pretty sure at some point I shared the first few paragraphs of the next chapter on tumblr in another ask, but I'll post the beginning of the chapter here as proof that progress is underway and as a thank you for such a wonderful ask! Feel free to reach out any time to chat about fanfics or fandom stuff in general <3

Chapter 33 snippet:

Damn it, the AC is out again.

That was my first disoriented thought as I woke up, overheated and uncomfortably flushed. I tried to wipe the perspiration from my forehead, but my right arm was trapped at my side, numbness buzzing down my fingers. Huh? Sluggishly, my eyes creaked open—and all at once my heartbeat accelerated so fast the cabin seemed to spin.

Boromir’s chest was pressed against my face. The warmth of his skin nearly burned through his rumpled undershirt, and the weight of his torso was squashing my nose into a pancake. He must have rolled over in his sleep, because he was nearly sprawled out on top of me now, his chest and shoulder pinning the right half of my body to the mattress, one of his legs thrown over mine from inside his crumpled bedroll. He was snoring softly.

Oh. A giddy, guilty laugh bubbled up in my chest, and I smiled against his skin. How had I thought this was uncomfortable? I could have stayed here forever, Boromir’s body draped over me like a weighted blanket, his slow exhales ruffling my hair. 

But beyond the bulk of his torso and our tangled mess of blankets, a weak ray of sunlight had filtered into the cabin through the crooked shutters hanging over the window. It was morning. 

Arm’s length, I’d promised myself. Keep him at arm’s length, starting tomorrow. And now tomorrow was here.

My heart sinking, I poked at his side with my free hand. “Boromir? Hey—Boromir? You have to wake up.”

“Y’r voice…” His voice was thick with sleep, slurred and low, and his right hand slid blindly along my bedroll to splay possessively against my hip. “Mmm, Valar, say m’ name again…”

Heat of an entirely different kind flooded my limbs, and I shoved at his chest in a near panic. “Boromir, wake up!”

“Eh?” Boromir staggered to his feet so quickly I thought the bed frame might break under us. “Beatrice!” He was breathing hard as he turned to face me, dashing a hand through his hair. 

I stared up at him, unable to move, trying and failing to look as though I wasn’t about to burst into flames. “Good morning,” I croaked.

[grison-in-space]

Okay, so: I've mentioned that I have service oriented tasks in mind for Matilda, but I haven't actually talked a bunch about what I'm aiming for. In part this is because one of the biggest things I would find supportive doesn't seem to be a Thing at the moment.

Generally speaking, I need an executive function support dog. I think I can make this happen without overtaxing my dog, but I'm getting stuck thinking about what I want to teach and how to chain it, so I'm going to think out loud for a minute.

So: autism, ADHD, constant masking, and an objectively stressful ten years in Texas (fire! flood! school stabbing! literal abandonment! we have them all!) has left me with some burnout problems. I dissociate a lot and I need to figure out how to train that as an alert, but especially in the evenings I tend to get stuck. Most of my coping techniques relied on either stores of energy I largely just don't have or on anxiety over consequences to serve as a motivator. While I can still do my job pretty well (thanks, hyperfocus!), I miss a lot of care opportunities (things like: consume lunch. Drink liquids. Take afternoon meds). And I can tune out anything at this point.

I have found that there's a distinct sensory component to this, though: visual and especially tactile stimuli work way better than auditory ones. It's just that there isn't really anything that can do a mix like that right now. I've rigged some things to help but it's not ideal, and I've passively/accidentally trained every previous dog I've had to sit outside flailing distance and subvocalize until I get up anyway; surely it should be possible to teach a dog to help with this. Say, by progressing from a touch or lick to a nose punch to crawling into my lap to lick my face on a timed cue.

By the way, friends, you lose shit in burnout. Learn from my mistakes; try to mask less, fuck. I have a lot of grief I'm still processing over things I did ten or fifteen years ago that I can't do today; my capacity is just so much lower than it used to be. I am on an upswing--the move helped a lot, just getting away from Texas, and the new job environment has been helpful, and so have some med adjustments... but I'm not as fast or as hard driving as I used to be, and there are some things I won't get back.

Anyway. Plans. Public access groundwork is actually not worrying me too badly at this stage: we're working on dog reactivity, foundations, and settling, and she sees enough weird places I'm not too concerned about now. But it's the tasking pieces I'm hung up on. I have thoughts, at least, for the dissociation alerts and grounding part of the problem: I know how I hold myself and how I don't move in certain ways when I'm dissociated, and "touch" shaped into licking my hand or nudging me is something I can use for that.

But what would be really helpful is setting alerts for Tilly to go into Pester Mode on a timer. I think I can use a phone timer for this, probably, although I would really like it if I could make Gcal notifications work as a cue to set timers to. I can use "human stands up" as my stop cue for the behavior, and the start cue is of course the timer itself. Once summoned by the timer, I know what I would like her to do.

I'm just sort of stuck on how to go about starting this. I do not want to invoke Pester Mode without the timer, and I would ideally like Pester Mode to be reliably turned off if I stand up. I do not want to trigger Pester Mode for anyone but me. I can think of like half a dozen ways this task could go hideously wrong.

It's just that it would be so helpful if I could program a bunch of very specific reminders based on my Gcal schedule and then have a stubborn little dog break any hyperfocus and help me transition into a new behavior at those periods. Unfortunately, now that Matilda is old enough to begin thinking about beginning to shape the beginnings of this, I find myself stuck. What would you do, dogblr?

[cocklessboy]

Executive Dysfunction Strategy: Find Something

A disclaimer: this strategy (like any executive dysfunction strategy) will not work for everyone. I’m a freelancer who works from home with no set work hours whose work is inherently broken into chunks of 20-40 minutes each. It is perfectly suited to me, but it might not be suited to you. Still, it might help some of you, so I want to share. Pass it around in case it helps one of your followers, and feel free to add helpful tips of your own.

For Ideal Results:

Be at home (or in the environment you’re trying to keep tidy).

Be able to get up from your computer/workspace for 20+ minutes at a time (ie not tied to a work schedule where you must be present for a series of hours without interruption).

Be able to break your work into chunks (20-40 minutes is best, but any kind of work task with built-in stopping points is ideal; ie after one meeting/call, after 1-2 tasks, each time you finish X pages, etc.; if your work has no built-in stopping points, a series of timers/alarms can work, but this is less effective since you’ll be changing gears mid-work and the disruption might cause more harm than good; test it out and see if it works for you).

Find Something:

When you reach the end of a chunk of work (in my case, every time I finish a batch of “episodes” that I’m editing, which is usually 20-40 minutes in total), GET UP and WALK AWAY FROM THE DESK.

FIND SOMETHING to clean. Literally anything.

The critical thing here is that you are NOT trying to clean an entire room or anything. You are looking for ONE thing you can clean. Look around. Is there some trash on your desk? Pick it up and throw it away. Task complete. Are there clothes on the floor? Pick them up and put them where they belong. Task complete. Is the shelf dusty? Get a damp cloth and wipe it down. Task complete. Are there dishes in the sink? Wash them, dry them, and put them away. Task complete. These tasks can take anywhere from 1-30 minutes depending on the task and your schedule.

Go back to work and do another chunk. Repeat the cycle until your work day is done.

This can also be used when you’re working on a project or playing a video game or what have you, just pick a good stopping point rule (every time I finish a page or chapter / every time my character dies or levels up or finishes a level / etc.).

Instead of cleaning, this can also be used for exercise. (I try to alternate between cleaning tasks and sets of push-ups or leg lifts or stretches or physiotherapy exercises or whatever.)

I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year and am now properly medicated. This strategy works best when I take my meds (obviously). However, even on days when I am unmedicated (because my psychiatrist is somehow convinced that taking meds every day is inherently bad even though they are not addictive, have no side effects, and days off are always a misery, but that’s another discussion), I find that this strategy helps tremendously. So if you do not have any kind of medication helping you with executive dysfunction, this is still worth a try. It might work for you.

Before I started working like this, I lived in a mountain of mess. Not because I didn’t care or hate cleaning or whatever, but because I didn’t see the mess until it was overwhelming, couldn’t figure out how to get it clean, and couldn’t make myself start even when I had a cleaning plan. I was trying to tackle a large project head-on from scratch and getting overwhelmed.

Flipping it around so that I have to find SOMETHING to clean, multiple times a day, even something very small, means I’m no longer trying to tackle everything. I’m just doing one small thing. Anything. I’m actively LOOKING for something to tidy, which, shockingly, makes the mess easier to see. It turns it into a little game. I’m not allowed to sit back down until I’ve completely a tidying task. The whole system has built-in triggers to start tasks. I’m not trying to work up the strength to Start Task, I have something external saying “ready set GO” which makes it easier to Do The Thing.

And since I’m doing it consistently, over the course of a couple of weeks my entire flat has become pretty tidy. It’s getting harder to find something to clean each time. I’m doing maintenance now instead of trying to tackle huge projects. I’m washing the dishes even when there’s only one thing in the sink. I’m wiping off the table and vacuuming the floor even when they’re mostly clean. I’m taking out the trash and recycling before they overflow. I’m getting the cobwebs and dust bunnies out of the corners before my cat has a chance to eat them like the little freak he is. And the cat’s litter box gets cleaned out and the floor around it swept every day, because those are quick, simple tasks I always grab first.

There is also the advantage that I’m not SITTING in a CHAIR for the ENTIRE DAY anymore. I’m standing up at least once or twice an hour and walking around and moving my body (and sometimes doing full-on proper exercise instead of cleaning). This has helped with my back and hip pain, my chronic neck and shoulder pain. I have a little more energy because, yeah, cleaning is exercise, even if only light exercise. I’m even very gradually starting to lose some of the extra padding around my thighs and backside and building a little muscle.

If you have the ability to try this strategy even just on the weekends or whatever, give it a shot. I really hope it helps some of you.

Also I’m trans and queer and aroace and I’d appreciate it if any transphobes and other exclusionists could make themselves known in the notes so I can report and block you. 😘

[taibhsearachd]

2 and a half weeks now since my Ritalin was prescribed. Still can't get it filled, despite calling and re-inputting it constantly.

I'm miserable. I can't focus on or enjoy anything so I kind of want to die. Thankfully I was prescribed a fast-acting anxiety med so I can at least mildly sedate myself when I start freaking out about how fucked up everything is, but.

Oh my god I just want the medicine that will make my brain work right. I found some bottles with spare pills from previous prescriptions, and I've been using them sparingly. When I take them, I feel a whole lot less like dying, like I will never do anything useful or important or worthwhile on this planet because my brain is fundamentally broken. But I'm running out. And I still can't get my prescription.

At this point my options are keep sedating myself until I don't care about the terrible rabbitholes my brain keeps going down when I don't have ADHD meds (the options for sedation being alcohol, essentially Benadryl, and a medication that specifically warns not to take it for more than a month because it hasn't been studied longterm, hahaha no weed is legal in my state even though it would do me so much good), or just fucking... cross my fingers and hope? Some bureaucracy will figure out some arcane process that will FINALLY, FINALLY get me a month's worth of meds? And then probably fight that same battle again the next month, and probably fail at it for several more months... How can you not want to kill yourself under those circumstances? I'm too exhausted to be furious.

The first time I took Adderall was the first time I experienced being able to sit quietly without doing anything interesting and not feeling almost physical pain. It was genuinely incredible and revelatory. It made me realize the people who made me do that over the years weren't actively trying to hurt me, they just DIDN'T KNOW. But also having the clarity and calm that ADHD meds gave me taken away, and having to fight to get it back, when they absolutely know that our disability itself makes it so hard to do... I am actually in hell.

[afniel]

Didn't sleep last night and so far I have

Wrote a helpful list of all the cats' belongings that went to boarding with them, then left it on the table like a brain genius

Got donuts, that's just a solid plus and there's no gotcha here. Just donuts

Washed a rock in the laundry, whoops

Took the rock out, much better now

Stood around booty ass naked because I just put my current clothes in the washer without considering the consequences and I have no pants now

Packed to go see my family but didn't register that the things I was packing were clothes that I could have worn so the situation has not improved

In my defense none of the clothes were pants

Realized my phone will now autosuggest 'in Minecraft' because I keep making that joke and wondered what the hell I'm doing with my life and choices

...in Minecraft

Thought about actually playing Minecraft but didn't because I'll get bored in 10 minutes and then open and close it repeatedly like something new is really going to happen this time guys I can feel it (it won't)

Can't go get my final shirt I want from downstairs because the neighbors would see me (still booty ass naked) (still haven't figured out what to do about that)

(it's a Mega Man shirt because literally half of my clothes at this point are just Mega Man shirts and the other half are evenly split between Metroid, Zelda, Final Fantasy, and miscellaneous other games)

(why am I like this. Nobody answer that)

Got 'jump in the caac' stuck in my head like super glue, save me

Considered painting my nails about 25 times and then never followed through because it sounds like work but what if I had cool blue nails that matched my hair. What about that. I could do that. Sounds like work though

Make that about 26 times

Run my phone's entire battery out refreshing Tumblr for no reason I can discern, it's just what's happening to me now. I surrender

Somehow hyperfocused anyway for hours and finished some art with all this going on?

I don't know how that works, ADHD is a horrible mystery

Convinced myself that what I need to do is just stay awake and pack then go to bed really early. Like 1am maybe. Which is not early, try again, me. Maybe try like 11pm

Decided to shower and then not done that or anything remotely like it

I TOOK MY MEDS I SWEAR but they don't fix sleep deprivation. That's just not fixable. Except by the obvious means, but I'm not sleepy, I'm just *gestures vaguely* firing on exactly one cylinder and it's very grumpy and has a bad spark plug or something, I don't know where the metaphor is going.

[sharlmbracta]

comment excerpt:

ADHD is a boon to creativity the challenge is consistency… or seemingly so. I think in general living, you need to impose structure to survive as an adult with ADHD, especially if you go no-meds like I have. I don't think that's nearly the case with creative activities though creativity is our domain, man. It's more about trusting your mind to do good exploration when you let it run free.

Everything that ever really stuck for me about music theory, stuck AFTER doing that. Not from reading and practicing but inadvertently actualizing it in my noodling, which I've come to realize is my mind's way of sorting out the information.

It's really interesting how the knowledge comes sometimes. I have been playing guitar for 20 years, largely self-taught. l've spent a lot of time pouring over different techniques and studying theory, never really feeling like I got where I was supposed to with it. I certainly enjoy what I play, but it's always felt like the understanding that other people have, escaped me.

But now, I tend to think I just never actually realized how much theory I had picked up over the years of scattershot study. Maybe I don't have the most well-rounded foundation, but my actual output on the instrument conveys to other, more learned people, an understanding that they always seem to want to know more about, like somehow I have figured out something they haven't.

My answer has always been "Well, I never practice, but I always play." Most other players l've met, are far more 'on-grid' than me, more predictable and consistent in their decisions and application of technique. You never know what I'll play, or why it actually works. One of my best friends is an incredibly talented and dedicated musician, with high mastery of guitar, piano, and especially trumpet. HE does not understand what I do half of the time, puts all of this analysis into it, trying to crack the code. He wants ME, to teach HIM what I know.

And yet, I don't even know the code. It's all impulse from my perspective. I don't know why things come together like they do. I just know that they do the majority of the time. I know enough theory to point out what worked about them — I do that sometimes, get into a mode of reverse-engineering what I play under the lens of modern theory and it helps me internalize — feed that intuition I'll need later. It's still terrifying for me to improvise in front of people, but every time I do, people tend to presume I am much more serious and studious than I have ever been — like I meant for things to work out this way, when I probably had little clue what I was going to play before I began.

It's like I am fully present when I play, just not cognizant. Maybe it's just that the strain on memory in those times doesn't permit my brain to consciously process it all, but it seems like it still does SOME kind of recall that is almost absolute. I can do anything a normal musician can do, it's just not accessed in quite the same way. I just put in the time and it worked out.

I WILL however say. It was not always that way. For the first 5-7 years I had a hyperfocus for it that just would not let go, so I would in fact practice for hours every day. Now, I worry less about it because 'm more focused on learning new stuff and being exposed to different music that inspires me to play and write more music. At some point, I found I just had the skill-born freedom wanted on tap and it just became about discovery for me.

A lot of my best skills are like that. I don't know how or why l'm good at them, or why I can randomly rattle off in-depth information I otherwise don't ever consider. I think our ADHD brains internalize things differently. It's not that we forget things, it's more as though much of the information stored in memory comes out somewhere outside of consciousness, more in the space of intuition. The problem with ADHD isn't as much one of storage as it is recall mechanisms. The better relationship I have with my intuition, the more my skills in things I want to do just seem to come to me by just following my own impulses to engage and letting my brain get whatever it thinks it needs… and just accept that I might never know that directly.

Learning with ADHD is often akin to tending to a garden and watching as the flowers bloom.

- differentbutsimilar7893

[vizthedatum]

I'm figuring out how to do work now that I'm not being actively abused/controlled, I'm out as neurodivergent (and queer and trans), and I'm healing from my entire life.

Just had my second therapy session of this week.

I may need to increase my ADHD meds and take auDHD support tools more seriously rather than pushing myself through more burnout and trying to get my tasks done that way. And I need to actually take my anxiety medication instead of talking myself out from taking them.

I've been physically sick and so encumbered with letting people/colleagues down that I'm not effectively communicating - sometimes I can't even be verbal (autism overwhelm). I used to be able to push myself into verbal/email communication... and now I simply meltdown when pushed.

And the stupid part is that I flare (my chronic pain stuff) when I'm subject to a lot of stress. I'm still unsure if I had an infection last week.

I think I've really damaged myself by a lot of how I've accomplished my tasks. I've often been bullied (by my parents, peers, mentors, exes) to do things... or just bullied/hurt myself to do stuff. Sometimes, I do reward myself for accomplishing something, but that self-criticism is always in the back of my head.

--

So yeah, a part of me is resentful that I must now re-wire everything about how I function... but I cannot sustain my previous way of life anymore, even though I did accomplish a lot in my academic training and career in the past. My body, mind, and relationships are all paying for it.

I've made many strides in the past year - being independent and living alone was one of the best decisions. My apartment looks increasingly like a home... and a place that is so undeniably me. It's clean (for the most part), zoned, decorated (still working on this), spacious, colorful, full of books and games and fun stuff, lived in, loved (by me and my friends/partners)... I do still want a collaborative nesting partner(s) one day where we can live in harmony, but I am enjoying what I have now as well.

--

I just simply cannot ignore myself just to work. I cannot keep being mean to myself when I'm having trauma freezes or meltdowns. I need to investigate and HONOR myself - hold myself with compassion to figure out what my needs and feelings are... so I can fulfill them, so that I can do the things I need to do and like to do.

[thevirgodoll]

Hi dear, I hope that you are having a beautiful day.

I really want to get your side on this; so I'm depressed and I'm also an overachiver. I've had depression for about 2 years but it has only crossed the boundaries of my head about three months ago when I got rejected from my dream uni and since then my grades have gone downhill and so have both my mental and physical health. I'm lost (because I missed a goal I had been preparing for for almost a decade lmao) but at the same time the I'm getting so close to hitting rock bottom that I'm relived to have a new and healthier beginning.

For the last few years I've dedicated all my time, efforts and headspace to school. It's my senior year yet I barely have friends, non school related job experience, I even lost the ability to sleep at some point. It's been ages since I've bought clothes, I look extra sloppy all the time and I never go out.

I've learnt a lot through this experience but since it's not going my way, I need to keep moving.

Any advice?

Love you and your blog <333

Navigating Depression while in College

This won't be a Doll Diaries for now but I will create one later.

I appreciate you sharing this with me and want to commend you on still trying and even recognizing that something needs to change. I also want to say that something like this isn't your fault and is a completely normal experience. I think a lot of people overlook the mishaps that can happen in college if depression isn't handled...because we are all so goal oriented, the ugly side of it gets pushed down and creates a loop of inadequacy.

Rejection is a typical part of your 20s...I'm still learning how to deal with it myself. I don't know everything, I'm still in my 20s as well.

I do believe, though, that everything happens for a reason and that something I wanted that I didn't get isn't a rejection but a redirection to something greater.

I completely relate to being in a rut and having health issues impact your college career. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I also have severe depressive episodes and ADHD. I've also had times where I wasn't able to make the best grades in the world.

What got me together was:

going to see a therapist (my school offers it for free)

learning that meds was a good option for me (it isn't for everyone, but it was for me)

getting diagnosed with mental disorders (helped me understand myself better and give validation to what was going on)

developing a consistent routine in all areas (easier said than done)

learning how to love myself as I am while also knowing things must change and taking accountability

having days where I let myself go and relax instead of being productive 24/7

I'm also in my senior year after losing years my experience due to my health. I had to medically withdraw twice so trust me I get it.

While I've lost time due to my health, I realized I can only control right now. My health problems were a sign to slow down.

Why worry on what could've happened? Thinking anything of that nature is a disservice. Introspection is good, but introspection can become rumination after a while. Learn to have a limit.

I do recommend treating yourself and getting out and doing things. Figure out what style of clothes you want to wear, what hair, etc since that's important to you.

Relearn yourself...ask yourself who you are outside of academia because a lot of people lose themselves in it and then have nowhere to turn once it's beginning to end. Find some professor that you can reach out to and confide in to help you, and if not, there's plenty of resources at your school for your program.

Congratulations on reaching your senior year. Focus on yourself, graduation, and becoming the person you want to be. Everything will happen in its due time, and months from now, you will realize that staying in the moment was all you ever needed to enjoy yourself.

Hope this helps ❤️

[compassionatereminders]

A little vent, ignore if you want:

So I have adhd and I’ve been on meds since I was very young. I’ve tried just about every med on the market during that time. But when I was in middle and high school, I developed an eating disorder and started using my meds as appetite suppressants, even lying to my psych about them not working well enough so she’d give me higher doses. I figured out what I was doing wasn’t healthy toward the end of high school when it sent me to the emergency room and made an effort to significantly reduce my med usage. Through college, I gradually reduced how often I took them and worked on improving my body image accepting my weight. It’s now been about 7 years since I’ve taken any adhd meds and I think I’m in a much better place, but if I’m being honest, my ed will probably never completely go away. Things can still trigger it, even if I have better tools to cope with it now. The problem is, I’m trying to get my masters degree now so I can get enough money to live on in my field, but being back in school has been an uphill battle. Without adhd meds, getting work done is a massive struggle. I’ve researched currently available meds to see if there was anything new that might not be an appetite suppressant, but I haven’t found anything. I just don’t want to risk going back on meds and relapsing. Im trying not to blame myself for the choices I made as a kid, but it’s hard not to be bitter that I’ve ruined what could have been a valuable tool for the rest of my life. One of the most annoying parts is that I’ve never met anyone else with adhd who has dealt with the same thing. I’ve been in multiple adhd groups and talked to people online and I’m always the only person who will never be able to medicate and it feels really alienating.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I just want to say that I am so proud of you for working through your eating disorder and prioritizing your physical health even though it means that there are meds you can't use anymore. That is incredibly impressive and you deserve to be really proud of yourself for getting to this point of recovery. And I hope that you will continue to find more tools and strategies that will allow you to cope better with the ADHD without medication, but it is okay that this is still a work in progress and that it will take time and patience. You are doing a great job. I am proud and very impressed

[iamthecomet]

Hoot once again!

I‘m really glad to hear this. Our little ritual means a lot to me <3

I am so sorry for her, but very glad that she figured it out now. Growing up undiagnosed can be (and is most of the time) very traumatic

While I’m a bit younger, I still spent my entire childhood and half of my youth (I’m gonna pretend it has been only half of it so far cause whatever the fuck I had/have is most definitely not a joyful youth). So while I can‘t fully relate, I still kind of get it and can at least imagine how it must me for her

It‘s pretty hard to get an autism diagnosis, because it cannot be done by a regular psychiatrist (unlike ADHD for example, which is why I at least have that diagnosis already). In my area there is only one place where you can get a diagnosis and the waiting list is LONG (not the worst I‘ve seen so far but at least half a year, which is terrible if you need to get help as quickly as possible but you need a diagnosis to get any kind of help). But I’m working on it

Thank youuuu

I planned chapter 2 out yesterday

It ended up to be “only” 5 pages, but it has 39 panels (chapter 1 has 24 panels)

So I think I’ll still get more of the story across even though it seems to be one page shorter

I will most likely start working on it in November

Your day sounds pretty nice!

Today, I was really stressed and worried about something and I did it okay-ish, but I can‘t change shit anymore now anyways so I’ll have to stop worrying and just wait and see

I also had a doctors appointment to get blood drawn and tested (cause due to the meds I take I’m apparently at a higher risk of malnutrition/lack of some stuff) and it was literally the most pleasant doctors appointment I’ve ever had.

I was a too early (as always) and had to wait outside a bit because they were still on lunch break but I was let inside a few minutes earlier anyways and so I was alone in the waiting area. And the nurse was incredibly kind and nice (she had me lay down for it because she didn’t want to risk that I could pass out and then she let me take my time to get back up again). It was overall incredibly nice and I was done not even 15 minutes after my appointment (so none of that annoying waiting time that usually comes with doctors appointments)

I also wanted to mention this in the past days already but I somehow didn‘t haha:

So I saw Someone do OC-tober and I absolutely LOVED the idea! (I’m one of these people that just never really draws their OCs lmao)

So I put together a prompt list for myself and I’m really excited about it ^^

(I‘m also planning on participating in Ghosttober with my writing which is why I’m probably going to be a little stressed all throughout October which is why I’ll most likely start working on chapter 2 in November)

I once again truly hope that you had a pleasant day! ♥️

~ @owlishanon

I like our little ritual too! ♥ When my friend got her diagnosis she couldn't get it from a regular psychiatrist either. She also got her ADHD diagnosis a couple years earlier because that was much easier. Autism she had to take a handful of tests over a period of time to actually get the diagnosis. But she was 98% sure what it would be before she got it. So I guess it's a pain in the ass no matter where you try to get it. Hoping that you are able to get through that process soon and get the help that you need. I'm glad your doctor's appointment went well and was easy. That's such a rare thing. And that you had a nurse who was really accommodating and understood what you needed. I was wondering why you said you would work on chapter two in November, until I got to the end of your ask. There are A LOT of things going on in October. And it will be kind of nice to take a pause on working so hard on that and doing some other stuff. I'm really excited for kinktober/ghostober whatever we're calling it. I'm trying to get the first week written and ready this week so that it's less likely that I fall behind. We'll see how that goes. Day one is written and ready to go--so that's something at least. And OC-tober sounds SO cool. I'm excited to see what you end up doing with that. I'm sure that will be a lot of fun too!

[reitziluz]

shit-all progress report!

it's all fits and starts, but there has been progress!

that's it that's the report.

... but jokes aside, the one time i did manage to sit down and write, i slammed the conversation at the smoking spot (if you know you know) into shape, and so removed the first big roadblock. it turned out way shorter than the rambling, chaotic draft where i had been hitting my head to a wall, trying to figure out the flow - which is good. extremely good. it needs to be short and subtle, at this point. (not everyone has realized how unreliable the narrator is, yet, tee hee)

i'm hoping the last scene will be similarly quick and painless. hoping. it's so long and disjointed and full of the kind of too matter fact internal observation i dislike to read and write both at the moment.

i should reread the first three chapters. refresh myself on their flow. slightly afraid to do it, though. i made the mistake of reading a really cool book (and starting another), and now my inner monologue has shifted to mimic them, and i don't know if i can read my stuff without getting the urge to harmonize its voice hdjfkg

i'm leaving on a roughly two week trip soon. might take the laptop with me, might not. either way, the plan to get this chapter out on august 31st still holds. if nothing else, i want to give myself that birthday present.

(side note - the adhd med outages hit me finally. on one hand, i'm okay (my meds are incredibly minmaxed and it's literally vacation time so i don't need to be at 100%), but on the other. wow am i sleepy. it's as if i had fine tuned a balance between meds that make me sleepy and meds that make me awake...)

[roboromantic]

5 6 7 am thoughts

why do I keep seeing posts on this website insist that evangelicals try to convert prople just to have a larger "number of souls savef" count than others. like maybe that's a thing in some groups but like................I've never heard of any kind of reward for converting more people or anything.

also I gotta say it's a tad frustrating seeing people talk about how Mormonism is a cult and these kids are brainwashed into believing the world's against them etc. and being sympathetic and sharing resources on how to leave, but posts on evangelicals just paint them as cartoonishly evil. sometimes I'll see something that says it's a cult but there's never anything on how to leave (though admitedly it's gonna generally be less legally complicated than it is for mormons) or talk about how evangelicals are also made to believe that the world is against them or how evangelicals try to convert you because they truely believe it would save you from eternal torture.

like now that I'm out I see how infuriating it is to be proselytized to, but growing up in it? I was a super lonely kid who tried to make people more christian according to CoC values bc I was terrified of losing the few friends I had. also there was literal animal abuse involved where we were told we were bad people if we were more likely to rush to help the goldfish they fucking threw on the pavement than to try and save people from hell

like. when you're fundamentalist there's really no room to respect other people's beliefs, because respecting their beliefs (and boundaries) would mean condemning them to eternal torture

so again I get why people hate it and I definitely understand now how it's used to eradicate cultures etc. but I find it hard to hate the individual who from their perspective is just trying to help me

ironically though the insistence on isolating me and saying that anyone who isn't CoC was probably one of the biggest reasons I ended up leaving. how could heaven be this perfect place if my friends weren't there

there was this post in r/judaism linking to an article talking abt svara's upcoming teshuvot for lgbt halacha and it's something I've been keeping an eye on for a while for obvious reasons, but while I don't want to make any judgements until the whole thing is actually released, I will say from the phrasing in the article it sounds like they're approaching it from a different angle than I would. like it seems to be "how can I affirm my gender in a Jewish way" and while I can 100000% understand that, I'm more interested in "what are the issues that arise when someone is (in my case) halachically female but looks male and is it possible to resolve these issues in a way that's respectful to everyone and if so, how?"

like. there was another post by a trans man wanting to figure out how to respectfully interact w/Chabad and someone else (I think) brought up this same idea of one's halachic gender vs I think they called it sociological gender and it was kinda weird to me seeing so many people talk about how that's not a thing, can never be a thing, halachic gender is the only important factor, etc. bc like. I highly doubt anyone would say my halachic gender is all that matters if my bearded, flat-chested, (sorta) deep-voiced ass went to sit on the women's side of a mechitza. hell, I KNOW that'd cause a problem, I've seen it happen.

like personally I'd be fine with a trichitza, I ain't trying to sit with men (though again I can understand why being able to sit with one's gender can be affirming for binary cis people) and I don't particularly want to sit with women either even if marit ayin wasn't an issue.

where was i going with this. idk it's like 2 hours after i started writing this and im tired and still don't have adhd meds, this was never gonna be coherent im gonna try to go back to sleep

[fandomsfordays21]

Hi guys...

I know I promised to post more about my Soul Experiment AU and I know I promised to post it sooner but I'm going through a lot of personal stuff rn. Explanation under cut.

TW under the cut for: mentions of toxic relationships and abuse, bullying, mentions of mental illness and potential eating disorders, mentions of surgery and medication, and brief mentions of self-harm.

School has been a bitch and I'm trying to keep my grades above failing. I've been struggling to even complete assignments for class at all much less put effort into them. I've also been going through the stress of leaving a toxic friend group, following that up by leaving my toxic household. I'm living with my grandmother right now but my mother is still in my life and still has custody of me. I've just been struggling with adjusting to a life without lots of toxic and abusive behavior and trying to take better care of myself. My mother has been completely avoidant to the concept of contacting me and only does so when there's a doctor's appointment involved. This is a problem because she's obsessed with me being the "sick, struggling kid" both mentally and physically to the point that she's been pushing for me to get a surgery I don't want that isn't even needed for my health, and she's been insistent of the "fact" that I need to take meds. I've been taking prescription pills for as long as I can remember, for things like ADHD and depression, and they've never really helped, if anything, they've made things worse for me. My grandmother has had me stop taking them and my body is slowly starting to recover, but I'll never be the same and my hatred and fear of hospitals will be stuck with me forever. All my life my mother has been using me as a way to rack up sympathy points, attention, and insurance coverage for herself. I've finally gotten out of there and have started figuring out who I am without the cloud of multiple drugs that I can't even name clouding my mind. I've gotten better about eating and have started gaining weight, my family always bullied me about my weight despite both my parents (My mom and her wife) being 200-300 pounds as well as just shaming me for eating because my autistic safe foods were "too expensive" and they "couldn't afford me eating like that". I got out before it became a full ED, but the shame and regret I get from eating, or even just the times I can't bring myself to eat, are still there. I've been experiencing teenage freedom for the first time without my parents restricting me and depriving me of the internet or the outside world in general. I'm so afraid though, that my mother will suddenly decide she wants me back, (Despite sending messages to my grandmother that explicitly state she wants nothing to do with me and that she doesn't want me in her house) and that I'll have no choice but to go. As for my friends, I found out that they were really toxic and problematic. I should have realized it sooner, but I was so desperate for people to care about me. Thankfully I don't run into them because I am currently on online school, but that's also part of the problem. I've been staying at home a lot and have been feeling really isolated and lonely not having any people to talk to. This is amplified by the fact that my social anxiety has gotten so much worse. School is a struggle because it's both A: the only way I'm going to get into college and have a life eventually, and B: I've failed so many classes that if I don't fix my grades I'll have to go back to my in-person school. The school where I got relentlessly bullied by both students and teachers, and the school where my old toxic friends are. This is even worse because if I get sent back to that school I'll have to move back in with my mom because my grandmother lives too far away from the school to take me each morning. There's a lot more that's been going on and a lot more to the story, but I just can't bring myself to type it out. I'm exhausted, burnt out, anxious, and so afraid of disappointing you all. Please be understanding about this, I'll work as hard as I can to write for you, but I need to keep myself from collapsing in on myself and falling back into my depression and self-harming tendencies. The last thing I want, or need is to go through that again.