#i am so mentally ill about them for real | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

icewindandboringhorror · 2 months ago

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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently

#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting #with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though #you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would #think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page #disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol #THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended #(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever #so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with #no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know #EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably #It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end #point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc #I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc #rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is #not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school #but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia #and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like #the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot #or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are #familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them #Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol

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adhderall · 2 months ago

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well as you can see besides being ugly as all fuck I'm also extremely bitter so that doesn't help at all in making me appealing. but it also comes with the territory you see, being treated as a hideous freak of nature for your whole life kind of does things to your psyche.

also going into shit in the tags as an extreeeemely jaded individual who's been on every side of the discourse and KNOWS it all VERY PERSONALLY so I know many people will find all sorts of different reasons to hate me (if they want ig) because I'm ~politically homeless~ at this point because I'm sick and tired of everything but whatever

(also fuck I ran out of space in the tags so another post maybe idk. )

#so. i get why people are against children transitioning i really do. and i have my own nuanced complicated feelings about it #but honestly. im beginning to believe id be more well-adjusted by now even if just a bit if i had started larping as male by 15.#would it fix all of my problems? no. but it would make a lot of things in my life much smoother and easier.#but i was sooo deep into raddie/gc shit that i had this fucking. complex about not wanting to troon because its ~cheating~#and 'omg all the butches are leaving!!1 butch flight i cant be one of them!!!1'#'i MUST be a good example for all the young girls!!!1' a weird sort of almost martyr-like complex if you will.#but as i get older im like... honestly man fuuuuccckkkkk this.#barely anybody expects straight or even bi women to abstain from dating men forever For the Good of Womankind #its not seen as Expected but rather Exceptional and Wow Amazing if you do.#and anyone who Expects it is seen as a ~crazy extremist~#meanwhile lesbians and especially HSTS are almost fucking Expected to sacrifice themselves for the ~greater good~#and ngl other lesbiams perpetuate this shit too.#oh you CANT transition even if you feel it'll make your life easier because because because #[arguments that would really only apply to OSA females transitioning]#[strawman] [misinterpreted stats] [unverified reddit posts]#and if all else fails 'think of how the very act of doing so will HURT ALL OF WOMANKIND'#no fucking wonder dysphoric lesbians develop an fucking insane martyr complex and start to treat hrt/transitioning like its fucking crack #'ill give into the temptation if i see a happy trans person ohh nooo so nobody should be allowed to troon'#like thats not fucking normal! you realize thats NOT FUCKING NORMAL right?#youre acting like a deranged christian who is so afraid of sinning by wrongthink #and disclaimer no. i dont inherently hate being female or a lesbian but with the way i am physically and mentally #i would have/have had a Much easier time integrating into society as a ~man~. just because of how i am physically and mentally.#now i wont say internalized homophobia/etc. NEVER has anything to do with transition or etc. but im gonna be real #for HSTS (which are extremely rare in the first place) thats often only a very small part of it at most.#its often more about making our lives easier and integrating better without having to completely remold our entire personalities.#thats the reality.#would we not transition if society have patriarchy/gender roles/sexism? perhaps. i wont deny that possibility.#the fact of the matter is however #that it wont be happening any time soon. so we just want our lives to be easier.#'oh but youre lying to yourself' not necessarily. i dont have a ~gender identity~ and im well aware of myself and my situation.

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lycankeyy · 2 months ago

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I think the Obvious Vent Art tmnt iterations I follow are rubbing off on how I write my fucking fnf au lol

#says im going to calm down and game. actually spends 30 minutes spiraling over if funkycule is 'too much' like a boss #when i started this i wanted bf and gf to be as canon compliant as possible while still being like interesting #but the longer i work on it the deeper shit goes and the more Mental Illness it gets #looking at some of the shit i qant to write with both of them like oh no the goofy is gone. im a fake fan /j #surely people will riot in the street if i make bf go through an intense mental rough patch or elaborate on the abuse gf's been through #rghghh whatever. whatever. my au i can do what i want #<- said while shivering like a small dog #i justbworry about my shit being Too Real. is all. im so used to the 'woah hey dont go there' reaction #making content thats important to me inevitably makes other people uncomfortable because i am too much. inherently #whatever!!!! whatever!!!!!!! [imagines ys hugging boyf sososo hard #💛#vent #delete later #sorry that im so like this rn djahdkajsk

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petorahs · 1 year ago

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when people ship shusumi do they gravitate to the bubbly "kasumi" front during the 1st/2nd semester or do they not count that and portray sumire's character for who she is during the last few hours of the game. do they have both coexisting at the same time but then what's the middle sweet-spot for it? their entire dynamic changes fundamentally as a result of the third semester.

and wouldnt joker feel a bit lied to since the girl he met in the beginning who was so, so nice to him essentially a fake? would this girl still approach him with kindness if she was her true self? how does he want her? is it cruel to miss the "her" when she was parading as a corpse? because after the third semester nothing will ever be the same between them. we as a shusumi society should entertain the idea of their divorce more. in this essay i will

#aishi.docx #uhmmmm...#much to think about #LMAO I LIKE HOW THIS WAS PROMPTED BY. me trying to draw my shusumi week piece HDJDH (i didnt end up making much progress tn!)#shusumi #persona 5 #akira kurusu #sumire yoshizawa #kasumi yoshizawa #yall imma be real when i say i ship shusumi i basically think i like her and jokers dynamic better when shes kasumi 😭#which is. wild if a bit fricked up ngl #but the :D gf with B) bf dynamic was what made me love them in the first place and sumi's underlying mental illnes in 3rd sem made it better #but then. i got to thinking deeper about said mental illness and its like. isnt it a bit like being lied to fr...... idk.....#how much were her actions sumire how much were kasumi #and if i wanted :< gf B) bf dynamic well.... i dont really want that. also shutaba is right there-(SIRENS BLARING)#anyway. so peculiar of a dynamic it actually makes me want to explore them more #but i dont rly tend to like low self esteem characters done like her unless it was written differently??#or at least had more breather. those last 5 ranks of sumire were nooot enough.#anyway lastly i must say i am a sumi fan because i love the character concept of #younger sibling taking on dead older sibling's personality out of grief coping mechanism #ITS BEEN DONE BEFORE AND I eat it up each time!!!!! i should make a thread of characters like that ive found but #GOD. sumire really is overshadowed by her older sister even after death like #so sad. i need to explore this more #life of a multishipper.... oughhhh. i wish i had more hands n energy to draw!!

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mekanikaltrifle · 2 months ago

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the mortifying ordeal of trying to talk to people and absolutely whiffing it

#it is not my best time socialising lately #the urge to become hermit is massive #and like not to be a sad sack on main but it sometimes feels easier to just let people be and not annoy them #at least if you're lonely then you're lonely for reasons you understand... but then yknow #even talking about this online can get random people claiming you're whining or being manipulative or whatever #so. not easy to talk about the very real consequences of mental illness and social difficulty frankly #without coming off like an arsehole #maybe someone else could manage it... but not me I think #doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about it though right?#okay I'm not a sad sack that's unfair on me but still. I think 'getting real' about this shit can be a bit of a downer but #I pride myself on being actually very open and honest about things #and what I go through #and if anyone around me goes through the same I am more than happy to be a sounding board for the shared difficulty #the purpose of suffering isn't to be a Bigger or Better Person for it #there's no inherent purpose to suffering itself #but. being able to use those experiences to help others is something I personally like to do

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sqvirely · 2 months ago

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thinking about knights on the clock

#THINKING ABT. THEE KNIGHT #im seriously considering inquiring abt becoming a jouster next year...#they'll train you from the ground up... and yea its Florida but like.......#i think travelling around doing ren fests all year + otherwise being around horses and shit would fix my mental health #the only PROBLEM. is fucking. MEDICAL AND STUDENT LOAN DEBT #idk what the pay is like and im gonna be so real w/ you guys i do need a stable paycheck rn #not to mention the fact that if i DID like. get hired by them. then thats critical exposure to Thee Knight #who i am quite literally giggling and kicking my feet abt right now #hes so fucking gorgeous im insane about him hes like quantifiably Just Some Guy but hes MY Just Some Guy #he doesnt have a hole in his chainmail skirt anymore... sad day for me. a faggot #the newly darkened armor does look REALLYYYY good tho and i do love the scale on him #SOZ EVERYONE. IM ILL

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thelastsaiyanprincess · 5 months ago

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the anger is now turning into resentment

#vent post #i just keep thinking about the many ways in which my family has shown little care for me #like when i had a fucking fever of over 100° and they still guilt tripped me into taking my 90 yr old grandma to the airport #im hauling all of her shit thru ATL while fighting for my fucking life because she just HAD to go to new york #how they expect me to spend 8 hrs with them every weekend and sacrifice my sundays to sit around and watch shit on TV #how they KNOW im mentally ill and need sleep but always got sumn to say when i wanna sleep in on MY days off #my dad letting this dog bite me and then expecting me to still go in the house was the fucking last straw #im fucking done. im so over these people.#theyre on their own #im not gonna be the one sacrificing my mental health and wellbeing for people who clearly dont give a fuck about me #i am breaking the eldest daughter curse #figure it out sweetie!!!! life is about to get real hard for yall now that your pack mule isnt gonna work no mo!!!!!!#No Contact is starting a lot like Peace Of Mind

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inniave · 6 months ago

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so fucking sick of the constant misgendering. it's exhausting. even from fellow queer people??????? who know me?????????? HELLO?????????????

#sorry i don't fit ur idea of queer but can u still show some basic respect & decency #pre-covering my hair i was constantly seen as non-binary or as a man or as intersex #and now??????? no matter what #i get referred to as a woman #by the same fucking people!!!!!! preaching “clothing has no gender”#ARE U SURE?????? CAUSE UR SURE AS HELL NOT TREATING ME LIKE I EXIST OUTSIDE MY CLOTHING CJOICES #most days i try to make myself not care but lately i've been realizing just how much i want to die because of how people perceive me #i don't want to change myself #but it's suffocating me #nobody sees me for who i really am except for spouse #and i am so so grateful for them #but when every single other interaction is just #so fucking transphobic and intersexist #i just want to curl up and die #changing the way i dress makes me want to die #getting misgendered for the way i dress makes me want to die #not having a place in the queer community makes me want to die #do u know how hard it is to be disabled intersex queer with DID which means constantly shifting identity #i'm lesbian im gay im trans both ways im ace im hypersexual im aromatic im poly it's EVRRUTHING #and so i fit nowhere #because i don't fit the mold :/#when i say queer in every way i mean it #and there's no real solution outside of finding community that accepts me and i cant even manage to get far enough into one #to even consider bringing up DID & the complexities it adds #cause y'all see someone in a modest dress & head scarf and go WOMAN #or see wheelchair and look the other way or continue booking in inaccessible places or not wearing a fucking mask #or don't want to be seen with someone visibly mentally ill #like..... i cant win. the only way i can get respect from my OWN FUXKJNG COMMUNITY is to change everything about myself #i'm so fucking over it #happy pride month ig

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just-things-and-mcbobs · 2 months ago

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Me: I totally didn't make that Actually BPD tiktok about the borderline experience regarding attention and validation for attention

My self-awareness that's sealed inside the vault cuz I don't wanna deal with it rn:

#*giggles in mental illness*#actually bpd #actually borderline #bpd #cluster b #bpd thoughts #bpd problems #borderline personality disorder #is it attention seeking out am i just taking about an actual experience where i don't know if my feelings are real or if some part of my #mind made them up so i could get attention and validation

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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 1 month ago

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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.

I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.

Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.

I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.

#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT #thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because #this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message #so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment #because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit #and because it was right before work i had to pack that away #because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me #but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself #that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life #im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything #'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works #what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman #i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care #at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems #and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female #god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously #would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont #being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill #the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications #theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks #dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it

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depresseddepot · 1 month ago

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going to be absolutely haunted by every heart a doorway by seanan mcguire for the rest of my life i think

#shaking you and shaking you #where's my door? can you hear me? do you understand what I'm saying? where is my fucking door #i will never be the same again (positive) but also i will never be the same again (negative)#the way the 12 year old clawed out of me at the idea of wonderland/different worlds/secret doors being real all along #makes me think that hmm maybe i didn't actually come to terms with feeling like i didn't belong ! maybe instead i repressed it !#if i had been in even a SLIGHTLY worse mental state rn that book would have destroyed me. sent me over the edge i think #i didn't even realize how intense it was. christ how did i repress all that lol #WHERE IS MY DOOR #where is MY home !!!! this surely can't be it !!!!#anyway. if i think too deeply about this it makes me feel like i need to grieve #so i wont think about it ! xoxo #ANYWAY phenomenal book. couldn't put it down. the ace rep was unexpected but nice #will now be reading everything published by seanan mcguire thank yew #its one of my favorite books now but like. i also wish i had never read it. yknow??#incredible work of art and i loved every second of reading it #but now im alone in this dark room with the voice in the back of my head that tells me that there are special things in this world #and that i was not/am not good enough for a single one of them #and its getting louder !!!!#well. guess ill just go to work tomorrow #fucking christ

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odetolovers · 11 months ago

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hello 💃

#hi hi i am never on here anymore tumblr my tumblr i miss you #tbf it’s because my life has been so crazy busy #i am no longer unemployed and am in fact in the career i wanted. YAY!#also i love my girlfriend and my cats and my life and healing and growth #and also…self worth question mark #something i have historically struggled with but am now getting less mentally ill about #HALLELUJAH!#i can never quite wrap my head around how lucky i am #and how fulfilled i am #this much happiness feels like it shouldnt be real but. i am actually deeply known and loved through my worst moments and my best and it’s #the most healing thing i’ve ever experienced #shoutout to my girlfriend (sooner rather than later wife) for being just. the most perfect person for me and the best person ive ever met #she’s my best friend fr #eek. life is good and love is good and we both have colds that are going to last through christmas but i know it will still be the best #christmas of my life because it’s with them #life is looking up :)#craziest concept to a very traumatised girlie is that life can actually be good and happy but im slowly learning to trust it #<3 #valentina talks

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pinkseas · 4 months ago

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i know its not NORMAL to not be able to visibly show/express when you feel bad even when you want to or try but like. i kind of assumed that that was just a Me thing and didnt question it beyond that. i was always the one at fault and in the wrong bc i was the one not expressing things well enough for ppl around me to realize anything wad wrong. <- it was So Fucking Visible in my actions dont get me wrong it was RLY obvious but it was never in my Face or my Voice so ppl just ignored it. for almost all of my life until i like. i dont even ACTUALLY know how to put it into my face or voice i DO have to fake it i have to mimic what ive seen of ppl and how they look and sound when theyre sick and its not bc im NOT sick its just bc it doesnt show. i never learned to show it naturally i just learned to copy it and Thats when ppl started actually listening about anything

#alyalyoxenfree #with mental and physical illness i just. idk!!!!!#idk if im Not Thinking About It i just sound normal #if i sound miserable or bad or even like excited its bc i am consciously putting the effort in to convey that #my face doesnt Do That my voice doesnt Do That it took SO much trial and error heavy emphasis on Error.#to make it look or sound or feel like i actually care abt shit or feel certain things #and i do feel them i do!!!!!! but smth between the emotion and my Body just Doesnt Click theres no real overlap ykniw

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kasururigoth · 2 years ago

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headcanon ruri calls kasuka ‘yuuhei’ at the very begging of their relationship since it’s merely professional and they still don’t know each other well. but once they actually start dating she slowly starts to call him by his real name. it’s a slow-paced demonstration of intimacy. nnnnnnngh im devastated

#drrr #durarara #ruri hijiribe #kasuka heiwajima #kasururi #IM SO MENTALLY ILL ABOUT THEM #nonono because why narita WHY are they SO underdeveloped #like I need to know how their relationship shifted from beneficial and fake to real #WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? JUST GUESS?? NO I WANT THE REAL THING #headcanons

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spikeyjo · 4 months ago

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Siri how do i stop the cycle without doing these bitchass tiny steps

#lamenting because i was so close to being normal and then i fucking lost it and gained nearly 100 lbs #and i cant get back to where i was i just ...... aaaaaaaaaaaaa #im so much more mentally fucked now so its harder #but thats all excuses right?#and then theres me being like am i even saying that bc i know its what people want to hear #or do i actually believe it? and is there even a difference if i know its true but i dont believe it?#does it even fucking matter just stop shoveling garbage in your mouth ffs #is the real answer here but I AM STRUGGLING #im looking into wls but i know if i dont get my emotional and bored eating under control that shit WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR ME #hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng #im just mad bc i have to fucking grocery shop #which always leads me to being pissed about this fuckass cycle #bitch call me mauville town the way i have cycles #god i can recognize the cycle which all tthe therapists will be like good on you!! :D and im like great. how do i break it #and then theyll say ten thousand small steps BITCH IM DYING I NEED DRASTIC CHANGE #BUT THEN IT WONT STICK AND ILL REVERT BACK TO WHERE I AM #but i did it drastically the first time and it wouldve stuck if i hadnt fucking lost it and ended up in the ward #im not a small steps kind of guy i need to wake up and fix shit and stick to it #but listen to me i am dean maniacally speaking to sam.gif #i buy all these stupid ass healthy foods and i have all these good ideas and reciepes and im legit pumped #and then i fuck it up and order food thats awful for me and then i give the hell up #which is an easy problem to fix. i know.#i can simply just....... not do that #but i swear i am struggling which pisses me off so bad #like you wouldnt struggle if youd quit being a stupidass and just did the damn thing #god i am not gonna do well on my psych evaulation #im gonna end up turning it into therapy and im gonna rage and the lady is gonna be like :D................. you need ten more visits #and youre getting denied at the end of them so get fucked #AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA #charlie am i losing my GODDAMN MIND? IF ITS GONE WHERE WILL I FIND.. IT?

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minty-bubblegum · 1 year ago

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#I was doing research on mental illnesses again #Even tho I said I was going to sleep #I thought about how I relate to some BPD symptoms possibly #So I took like four online tests #I know I shouldn't trust online tests and I should probably check with a professional #But I'm scared to let my parents know about my concerns #Cus uh #I scored kinda “extremely likely” on all of them #Oopsies #But whoever made the original image was so real #Beautiful princess disorder #And with the Floyd dorm card in the back??#Absolutely perfect #I am obsessed with this image #Okay now to do more research and more quizzes #I have no sense of identity 😎

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