#i am so mentally ill about them for real
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I hate that I have reoccurring themes in everything I make. YES this guy has a complex over the fact that everyone prefers his sibling AGAIN. YES he was ostracized by his peers since he was in primary school and never knew why until years later. URGH
#i dont know why the siblings thing ends up coming up as often as it does (read: i know exactly why) but uuurggh#do you ever. have an inside joke with your sibling that your abusive dad prefers you over them and it's so established it's casual banter#but everyone you've ever tried to be sincere with (your mother; your peers) have consistantly preferred your sibling over you#even your own friends and kids who were closer to your age range than theirs#do you ever have a conversation with your best friend where they tell you that at first they didn't want to be friends with you#because you were ''too Weird''#do you ever get praised by a friend who says she envied you in middle school because you ''never cared about being different''#meanwhile you had no idea you were different and just couldn't fucking fix it#it took me that to understand that people avoided me because i was Weird. i thought the reason i had no friends was bc i was shy#that and the fact that i Didnt Know What Was Socially Acceptable Or Not and other kids were scared of me bc i was ''to blunt''#i have learned to value honesty over nearly everything else but that's only because i wish everyone else did the same.#literally everything i write has a main protagonist with low to no emotional empathy. like. ok#every character i write has that thing where they always felt like they were a monster for not feeling the right things. mh#i wonder how that might reflect on how my whole world came crashing down once i realised emotional empathy is A Real Thing#and not just a lie people made up for virtue signaling#''there's no way people /literally/ feel sad /for/ other people. they just know rationally that it's bad'' deep sigh.#anyway thats why i will never shut up about the fact that empathy is morally neutral and not a prerequisite for being a ''''good person''''#emotions are morally neutral. thats why we say all emotions are valid. thats why thought crimes aren't real#in short: you will pry human!au no empathy janus and autistic remus from my cold dead hands#i have. so many fucking thoughts.#janus is literally JUST like ME for REAL#except for the lying mostly because i !!! taught myself out of that#THE AMOUNT OF WORK I HAVE DONE ON MYSELF. I HAVE CLAWED MY WAY OUT OF THE TRENCHES OF MENTAL ILLNESS ON MY OWN AND I AM PROUD OF THAT#MAYBE it's because i can never open up to anyone ever BUT it's also because im SKILLED and SWAG and SELF-AWARE and THE BEST EVER. and MODEST#rant#the tag rambler strikes again . apologies
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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I think the Obvious Vent Art tmnt iterations I follow are rubbing off on how I write my fucking fnf au lol
#says im going to calm down and game. actually spends 30 minutes spiraling over if funkycule is 'too much' like a boss#when i started this i wanted bf and gf to be as canon compliant as possible while still being like interesting#but the longer i work on it the deeper shit goes and the more Mental Illness it gets#looking at some of the shit i qant to write with both of them like oh no the goofy is gone. im a fake fan /j#surely people will riot in the street if i make bf go through an intense mental rough patch or elaborate on the abuse gf's been through#rghghh whatever. whatever. my au i can do what i want#<- said while shivering like a small dog#i justbworry about my shit being Too Real. is all. im so used to the 'woah hey dont go there' reaction#making content thats important to me inevitably makes other people uncomfortable because i am too much. inherently#whatever!!!! whatever!!!!!!! [imagines ys hugging boyf sososo hard#💛#vent#delete later#sorry that im so like this rn djahdkajsk
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thinking about knights on the clock
#THINKING ABT. THEE KNIGHT#im seriously considering inquiring abt becoming a jouster next year...#they'll train you from the ground up... and yea its Florida but like.......#i think travelling around doing ren fests all year + otherwise being around horses and shit would fix my mental health#the only PROBLEM. is fucking. MEDICAL AND STUDENT LOAN DEBT#idk what the pay is like and im gonna be so real w/ you guys i do need a stable paycheck rn#not to mention the fact that if i DID like. get hired by them. then thats critical exposure to Thee Knight#who i am quite literally giggling and kicking my feet abt right now#hes so fucking gorgeous im insane about him hes like quantifiably Just Some Guy but hes MY Just Some Guy#he doesnt have a hole in his chainmail skirt anymore... sad day for me. a faggot#the newly darkened armor does look REALLYYYY good tho and i do love the scale on him#SOZ EVERYONE. IM ILL
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when people ship shusumi do they gravitate to the bubbly "kasumi" front during the 1st/2nd semester or do they not count that and portray sumire's character for who she is during the last few hours of the game. do they have both coexisting at the same time but then what's the middle sweet-spot for it? their entire dynamic changes fundamentally as a result of the third semester.
and wouldnt joker feel a bit lied to since the girl he met in the beginning who was so, so nice to him essentially a fake? would this girl still approach him with kindness if she was her true self? how does he want her? is it cruel to miss the "her" when she was parading as a corpse? because after the third semester nothing will ever be the same between them. we as a shusumi society should entertain the idea of their divorce more. in this essay i will
#aishi.docx#uhmmmm...#much to think about#LMAO I LIKE HOW THIS WAS PROMPTED BY. me trying to draw my shusumi week piece HDJDH (i didnt end up making much progress tn!)#shusumi#persona 5#akira kurusu#sumire yoshizawa#kasumi yoshizawa#yall imma be real when i say i ship shusumi i basically think i like her and jokers dynamic better when shes kasumi 😭#which is. wild if a bit fricked up ngl#but the :D gf with B) bf dynamic was what made me love them in the first place and sumi's underlying mental illnes in 3rd sem made it better#but then. i got to thinking deeper about said mental illness and its like. isnt it a bit like being lied to fr...... idk.....#how much were her actions sumire how much were kasumi#and if i wanted :< gf B) bf dynamic well.... i dont really want that. also shutaba is right there-(SIRENS BLARING)#anyway. so peculiar of a dynamic it actually makes me want to explore them more#but i dont rly tend to like low self esteem characters done like her unless it was written differently??#or at least had more breather. those last 5 ranks of sumire were nooot enough.#anyway lastly i must say i am a sumi fan because i love the character concept of#younger sibling taking on dead older sibling's personality out of grief coping mechanism#ITS BEEN DONE BEFORE AND I eat it up each time!!!!! i should make a thread of characters like that ive found but#GOD. sumire really is overshadowed by her older sister even after death like#so sad. i need to explore this more#life of a multishipper.... oughhhh. i wish i had more hands n energy to draw!!
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the anger is now turning into resentment
#vent post#i just keep thinking about the many ways in which my family has shown little care for me#like when i had a fucking fever of over 100° and they still guilt tripped me into taking my 90 yr old grandma to the airport#im hauling all of her shit thru ATL while fighting for my fucking life because she just HAD to go to new york#how they expect me to spend 8 hrs with them every weekend and sacrifice my sundays to sit around and watch shit on TV#how they KNOW im mentally ill and need sleep but always got sumn to say when i wanna sleep in on MY days off#my dad letting this dog bite me and then expecting me to still go in the house was the fucking last straw#im fucking done. im so over these people.#theyre on their own#im not gonna be the one sacrificing my mental health and wellbeing for people who clearly dont give a fuck about me#i am breaking the eldest daughter curse#figure it out sweetie!!!! life is about to get real hard for yall now that your pack mule isnt gonna work no mo!!!!!!#No Contact is starting a lot like Peace Of Mind
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Me: I totally didn't make that Actually BPD tiktok about the borderline experience regarding attention and validation for attention
My self-awareness that's sealed inside the vault cuz I don't wanna deal with it rn:
#*giggles in mental illness*#actually bpd#actually borderline#bpd#cluster b#bpd thoughts#bpd problems#borderline personality disorder#is it attention seeking out am i just taking about an actual experience where i don't know if my feelings are real or if some part of my#mind made them up so i could get attention and validation
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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.
Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.
I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.
#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT#thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because#this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message#so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment#because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit#and because it was right before work i had to pack that away#because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me#but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself#that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life#im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything#'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works#what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman#i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care#at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems#and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female#god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously#would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont#being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill#the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications#theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks#dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it
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going to be absolutely haunted by every heart a doorway by seanan mcguire for the rest of my life i think
#shaking you and shaking you#where's my door? can you hear me? do you understand what I'm saying? where is my fucking door#i will never be the same again (positive) but also i will never be the same again (negative)#the way the 12 year old clawed out of me at the idea of wonderland/different worlds/secret doors being real all along#makes me think that hmm maybe i didn't actually come to terms with feeling like i didn't belong ! maybe instead i repressed it !#if i had been in even a SLIGHTLY worse mental state rn that book would have destroyed me. sent me over the edge i think#i didn't even realize how intense it was. christ how did i repress all that lol#WHERE IS MY DOOR#where is MY home !!!! this surely can't be it !!!!#anyway. if i think too deeply about this it makes me feel like i need to grieve#so i wont think about it ! xoxo#ANYWAY phenomenal book. couldn't put it down. the ace rep was unexpected but nice#will now be reading everything published by seanan mcguire thank yew#its one of my favorite books now but like. i also wish i had never read it. yknow??#incredible work of art and i loved every second of reading it#but now im alone in this dark room with the voice in the back of my head that tells me that there are special things in this world#and that i was not/am not good enough for a single one of them#and its getting louder !!!!#well. guess ill just go to work tomorrow#fucking christ
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hello 💃
#hi hi i am never on here anymore tumblr my tumblr i miss you#tbf it’s because my life has been so crazy busy#i am no longer unemployed and am in fact in the career i wanted. YAY!#also i love my girlfriend and my cats and my life and healing and growth#and also…self worth question mark#something i have historically struggled with but am now getting less mentally ill about#HALLELUJAH!#i can never quite wrap my head around how lucky i am#and how fulfilled i am#this much happiness feels like it shouldnt be real but. i am actually deeply known and loved through my worst moments and my best and it’s#the most healing thing i’ve ever experienced#shoutout to my girlfriend (sooner rather than later wife) for being just. the most perfect person for me and the best person ive ever met#she’s my best friend fr#eek. life is good and love is good and we both have colds that are going to last through christmas but i know it will still be the best#christmas of my life because it’s with them#life is looking up :)#craziest concept to a very traumatised girlie is that life can actually be good and happy but im slowly learning to trust it#<3#valentina talks
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i know its not NORMAL to not be able to visibly show/express when you feel bad even when you want to or try but like. i kind of assumed that that was just a Me thing and didnt question it beyond that. i was always the one at fault and in the wrong bc i was the one not expressing things well enough for ppl around me to realize anything wad wrong. <- it was So Fucking Visible in my actions dont get me wrong it was RLY obvious but it was never in my Face or my Voice so ppl just ignored it. for almost all of my life until i like. i dont even ACTUALLY know how to put it into my face or voice i DO have to fake it i have to mimic what ive seen of ppl and how they look and sound when theyre sick and its not bc im NOT sick its just bc it doesnt show. i never learned to show it naturally i just learned to copy it and Thats when ppl started actually listening about anything
#alyalyoxenfree#with mental and physical illness i just. idk!!!!!#idk if im Not Thinking About It i just sound normal#if i sound miserable or bad or even like excited its bc i am consciously putting the effort in to convey that#my face doesnt Do That my voice doesnt Do That it took SO much trial and error heavy emphasis on Error.#to make it look or sound or feel like i actually care abt shit or feel certain things#and i do feel them i do!!!!!! but smth between the emotion and my Body just Doesnt Click theres no real overlap ykniw
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headcanon ruri calls kasuka ‘yuuhei’ at the very begging of their relationship since it’s merely professional and they still don’t know each other well. but once they actually start dating she slowly starts to call him by his real name. it’s a slow-paced demonstration of intimacy. nnnnnnngh im devastated
#drrr#durarara#ruri hijiribe#kasuka heiwajima#kasururi#IM SO MENTALLY ILL ABOUT THEM#nonono because why narita WHY are they SO underdeveloped#like I need to know how their relationship shifted from beneficial and fake to real#WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? JUST GUESS?? NO I WANT THE REAL THING#headcanons
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Siri how do i stop the cycle without doing these bitchass tiny steps
#lamenting because i was so close to being normal and then i fucking lost it and gained nearly 100 lbs#and i cant get back to where i was i just ...... aaaaaaaaaaaaa#im so much more mentally fucked now so its harder#but thats all excuses right?#and then theres me being like am i even saying that bc i know its what people want to hear#or do i actually believe it? and is there even a difference if i know its true but i dont believe it?#does it even fucking matter just stop shoveling garbage in your mouth ffs#is the real answer here but I AM STRUGGLING#im looking into wls but i know if i dont get my emotional and bored eating under control that shit WILL NOT BE GOOD FOR ME#hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng#im just mad bc i have to fucking grocery shop#which always leads me to being pissed about this fuckass cycle#bitch call me mauville town the way i have cycles#god i can recognize the cycle which all tthe therapists will be like good on you!! :D and im like great. how do i break it#and then theyll say ten thousand small steps BITCH IM DYING I NEED DRASTIC CHANGE#BUT THEN IT WONT STICK AND ILL REVERT BACK TO WHERE I AM#but i did it drastically the first time and it wouldve stuck if i hadnt fucking lost it and ended up in the ward#im not a small steps kind of guy i need to wake up and fix shit and stick to it#but listen to me i am dean maniacally speaking to sam.gif#i buy all these stupid ass healthy foods and i have all these good ideas and reciepes and im legit pumped#and then i fuck it up and order food thats awful for me and then i give the hell up#which is an easy problem to fix. i know.#i can simply just....... not do that#but i swear i am struggling which pisses me off so bad#like you wouldnt struggle if youd quit being a stupidass and just did the damn thing#god i am not gonna do well on my psych evaulation#im gonna end up turning it into therapy and im gonna rage and the lady is gonna be like :D................. you need ten more visits#and youre getting denied at the end of them so get fucked#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#charlie am i losing my GODDAMN MIND? IF ITS GONE WHERE WILL I FIND.. IT?
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#I was doing research on mental illnesses again#Even tho I said I was going to sleep#I thought about how I relate to some BPD symptoms possibly#So I took like four online tests#I know I shouldn't trust online tests and I should probably check with a professional#But I'm scared to let my parents know about my concerns#Cus uh#I scored kinda “extremely likely” on all of them#Oopsies#But whoever made the original image was so real#Beautiful princess disorder#And with the Floyd dorm card in the back??#Absolutely perfect#I am obsessed with this image#Okay now to do more research and more quizzes#I have no sense of identity 😎
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a mimir....
#btd6#bloons td 6#striker jones#btd6 striker jones#obyn greenfoot#btd6 obyn greenfoot#crungart#i have literally drawn them so much in the past few days theyve been on my mind SO much#theyre soo fucking real to me........#i am so mentally ill about these gay old men
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Man I can't believe I had the chance to go to a performing arts school up through middle school and I fuckin quit after 6 months just because I got bullied. BRO YOUR HOMEWORK WAS POETRY!! YOU HAD TO PRACTICE DANCING TO COTTON EYE JOE AS YOUR BIG UNIT TEST. GYM CLASS HAD A CIRCUS UNIT!! YOU HAD A WHOLE DAILY CLASS ON IMPROV!!! YOU FOOL!! YOU ABSOLUTE IMBICILE!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN A YOUTUBER!!! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ONE OF THOSE TWEENAGERS GETTING LOADED BY MAKING SHITTY YOUTUBE SHORTS IN 2008-14!! But noooOoooOOOoo little miss Noellie (who WANTED TO GO!! who worked SO HARD and sent in an application essay and did an INTERVIEW to get in!!) couldn't handle disruptive classmates or little scuffles and petty grudges and general Attitude of the other students and cried to mommy to put her back in public school. I am EATING MY HAIR over what Could Have Been. I COULD BE SOMEONE'S ANNOYING YOUTUBER!! I could be a DISGRACED DISNEY CHANNEL STAR!! I could be an America's Got Talent winner! A mild to moderately successful comedian! I could be making short films!! But no no no precious thin skinned baby me heard a few new cus words and watched a teacher get heckled and begged to give up The Dream in favor of?? Quiet math tests?? I am such a fucking quitter I quit everything the second it gets too hard I always take the out as soon as it's offered what's my fucking damage.....
#I had SO MUCH POTENTIAL and I SQUANDERED IT!! weak ass third grade PUSSY! Your life could have been SO SICK!!#or you could at least be addicted to cocain or something interesting like that!! Boring ass goody two shoes always just staying home doing#NOTHING bitch make a REAL FRIEND go to a God Damn PARTY live a little instead of just hiding in the closet eating saltine crackers for years#waiting for it to be quiet outside before you ever even toed the line#mentally ill self-isolating motherfucker#you could have shrugged it off you could have GROWN A PAIR and FOUGHT BACK but you just ran and cried for mommy#victim complex little bitch baby always whining and exaggerating and making shit up fucking LIAR I am you and I KNOW what you did and I know#you knew it wasn't the truth and you regretted it the moment it came out of uour mouth but once you'd said it you just swallowed it back and#doubled down incriminating or discrediting others with your lies. For why? Because you didn't like them? You could have ruined someone's#life you wouldn't have hesitated mayhe you did and don't even remember because you cant keep your mouth shut with your pants ablaze#manipulative little shit and to WHAT END? Pity? Sympathy? Attention? Entertainment?? What was even going on in your stupid ugly head?#This is a callout post for my third grade self that possessed demon ass evil nine year old. That kid drowned anthills in olive oil and#poisoned a wild animal once. That kid cut plants just to see if they oozed. That kid modified her whole ass personality on a dime for a boy#she had a crush on. INSTANTLY dropped a LIFELONG CULTURAL ALLEGIANCE (thats what football teams were like back then in our town) because he#said he had the opposite allegiance??? What the fuck? girl had NO integrity none zip zilch.#No empthy either that kid looked at everyone else on earth like they were friggin space aliens and she was the only one with Real feelings.#bitch literally thought like 'I have Feelings they just have Reactions' bitch what the fuckkkkk#that nine year old was fucked the hell up!!!#and for literally NO REASON!! No cause!! Just born fucking evil and weird. jesus fuck.#Evil ass bitch caused her autistic brother months of nightmares and then laughed about it and wrote poetry about how evil he was because he?#was a kid??? Normal sibling rivalry taken way way way too far defamatory ass statements#and this girl had NO CONSEQUENCES because she could lie and manipulate her way out of ANYTHING she had the baby eyes and the helpless charm#and played dumb soooo well . read people like some calculative evil AI scanning their faces for microexpressions and overanalyzing each word#choice like holy shit. its not That Deep. pretentious shit trying to play 5D chess on a checkers board.#Manipulating shit just to see what happens?? zero awareness?? no asking just skipping straight to testing for yourself??#'What happens if I step on this' it fucking breaks 'what does that taste like?' it's not fucking yours to mess with 'if I hit this person#how will they respond?' they'll be upset use your goddamn judgement you are NINE not TWO do you even care a little about any other person??#Are you just living in some other reality???#callout post for the fucking demon child inside of me#im so goddamn problematic I'm so so so deeply mentally disturbed and broken for no reason
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