#i am so glad people like my friend still exist in this world

[kirasworldofwords]

For the very first time in my life, I came out as non-binary to someone today. To a newer friend at that, too. I mainly managed to do so because I already feel safe around him - he has a brother who is FTM trans whom he accepts fully and always respects.

Honestly, the liberation and joy I feel right now for being accepted as I am and even complimented for being the way that I am is indescribable. I could cry from sheer happiness, it's incredible.

This is queer joy, trans joy in particular. Liberation, dare I say. Being wholly and fully accepted as the person that I am, not what I could be in other people's eyes.

This is what we mean and want. And this is all we want. To be accepted as a normal part of society because we're still human, after all. Trans or cis, gay or straight. It's really not that hard.

[galedekarios]

thinking about how gale's love language is acts of service.

people have talked at length about how he cooks for everyone at camp.

"the hand that feeds is the hand that's loved. it'll never leave your side now."

but that's not all of it, and it's a red thread that weaves itself through almost all his interactions throughout the game.

"magic is... my life. i've been in touch with the weave for as long as I can remember. would you like to experience this?"

gale shows the protag his world, his life, trying to connect them to the weave as he had once been, when he was still a chosen, still an archmage. it's not quite the same, it doesn't come quite as easy. still.

"i'm so very glad you came. to share this with me. i know this is all unreal, but i created it for you. you must know that you're... that you're very special to me. if things were different, if we were home, i'd have taken time to do things properly. to say it all better. but time is short. i'm in love with you."

gale knew he was living on borrowed, he knew it would run out eventually, even well before elminster came to deliver mystra's instructions.

he can't give the protag something different and they aren't home and they're not going to go home at the end of this. he knows this. time that once seemed so infinite when he was young is now whittled down to a single last night.

a last night that he uses to turn a dark and cursed land into a beautiful forest, northern lights dancing across a starry sky. he can't go home, he can't take the protag home, but he can give them an illusion of the centre of his universe, with all the well-loved things in it. there's no pretention here. books strewn across the floor, across the desk. sculptures, paintings, music. a view of home. the smell of the sea breeze.

baring his heart as well his soul in the little time he still has left to use how he sees fit.

"let me show you more. when you wake, it will be back in our small, dirty, bloody patch of existence. but stay with me now. there are endless worlds out there. countless ways to declare love. infinite ways to express it. too much for one night... but we shall try."

let me show you waterdeep, let me show you my home, my universe. let me show you how it would have been, could have been, if i did have time. let me show you more. let me show you how much i love you in the one night we may have left together.

let me give my soul to you, in confidence.

"i'd actually been thinking of introducing the two of you anyway. over a sumptuous home-cooked meal, if that sounds at all to your taste? i make it to my mother's recipe."

he wants to give the protag a chance to get to know tara, the one constant in his life, the one who became his only friend, his safe haven in the storm, the one that bore witness to his greatest triumphs and most abject failures. he wants to cook for them. he wants to take them home so very badly—

and yet he knows he won't make the date.

"then have me, but have the best possible version of me. [...] think of what i offer: the vastness of eternity to explore, the weave at our fingertips... you would really prefer me as i am?"

he could be more for the protag, if they wish him to be. could be more, could be better.

without all the flaws, without all the things that make gale only who he is. the things that sometimes simply aren't enough. he could be everything that plain old gale dekarios, that even the wizarding prodigy gale of waterdeep, could never be.

[madthetruemad]

what if it wasn't a burden (it never was to begin with) | sung jinwoo x disabled reader

You didn't hate the idea of soulmates, not at all. However, being wheelchair bound wasn't exactly something you considered ideal for your fated to be to see. Even as you push your wheels forward, you deeply hope you never run into them. Seeing as how you'll never walk again, you hated the fact that if you did meet your soulmate, you'll just end up being a burden to them. That's what you hated. Well, until your soulmate proved you wrong, but that wouldn't be till much much later.

You wondered what different colors actually looked like instead of the monochromatic world that you are so used to seeing. The black, white, and grey hues shining through different tints and shades being as dull as your thoughts.

Much like what you would see in those romance manga, soulmates existed here. Though, you honestly hoped you never met yours even if it would two things happening. One, you would finally meet your fated to be and live happily-ever-after and two, the world would burst into color.

However…, your fingers absently tapped away at at the armrest of your wheelchair. Your legs weren’t exactly working right now. They did, at one point, but an accident had happened, and, well, you hoped that you never met your soulmate. You loathed the fact that you might be a burden to them, and you definitely didn’t want to see the sympathetic look on their face or the look of disappointment either.

“OW!”

You winced as you rubbed your forehead, your eyes squinting at the culprit as you furrowed your brow at her, “what was that for?!”

Your friend who was sitting across from you grinned as stirred her straw into her drink, “you were having those self-deprecating thoughts again.”

You frowned as you stopped rubbing your forehead and grabbed your own drink. The small café you both were in was quiet, but it still had a little hustle and bustle as everyone moved around.

“How can you even tell?”

Your friend took a sip of her too sugary drink before answering, “it’s that look on your face.”

“My look?”

“Yeah, you just.. look so sad. I don’t know, it’s hard to describe your expression sometimes. Like it’s a sad emotion I never felt before so I can’t exactly put into words? Does that make sense?”

“I guess?”

The conversation went from there. You too talked about all sorts of things. But work was usually the main topic you both settled on at the end as she stood up to toss her empty cup and then went over to grab the handles of your wheelchair.

“H- hey, you don’t need to do that! I can push myself!”

You hated being a burden to others.

“Oh, shut up and let me do this.”

You grumbled to yourself as you both left the café.

“Anyway,” she started, “how’s the life of being a famous author? Got any new book ideas swirling in that head of yours?”

“Not really? I guess I am just in a writer’s block…, but how about you? You’re a hunter…, your work must be far more exciting than mine.”

“The only exciting thing is not getting hurt and winding up in the hospital like this one E-rank I know.”

You know who she’s talking about but can’t place his name.

“Well, I’m glad you don’t get badly hurt-,” you were cut off when her phone dinged. It was same sound for when she gets a notification for a job.

“Dang it,” she said as she checked it once we got to a crosswalk.

“Something wrong?”

“This one is immediate and… I kind of need the rent money.”

You smiled and shooed her away, “better get going then, we can hangout again tomorrow if you’re free.”

“You sure?”

“You need the rent money.”

“R- right,” she said sheepishly as you took control of your wheelchair, “I’ll see you around?”

You nodded, “see ya.”

She gave you a hug from behind before turning to jog down the street. Sighing to yourself, you turned back forward and waited for the crosswalk to turn green and by this point a lot of people started to form up at the line. And it wasn’t until it turned green and everyone started walking did you hear another notification, most likely for another hunter.

“Mann, it’s the other way-“

Your eyes widened as the man in front of you turned and accidentally bumped his foot against your leg and almost instantaneously did your world burst with color. Everything was so bright as you squinted. Your eyes were basically being assaulted by all the different hues affronting your eyeballs, “holy-“

“I’m so sorry-!”

You both stopped and looked at one another, it didn’t take a genius to know what just happened even as you both got your bearings.

“Come on! Move it brats!”

The man who hit your leg and made your world fill with color was pushed back the other way as you were forced forward, and once you both were on another sides of the streets both crowds seemed to move you two along. Neither of you being able to catch a full glimpse of the other before you found yourself alone and the man nowhere in sight.

“I wasn’t even able to open my mouth to ask his name…”

[sfznyxio]

-ˋˏ THROUGH THICK AND THIN ˎˊ

SYNOPSIS. with your kin swept away by the cataclysm, you have no one to rely on other than your wits. the curse of being immortal has you start fresh in the modern world as a citizen of inazuma, living alongside humans and yokai. throughout your life in the moral realm, you’ve met many interesting people. out of all of them, one becomes your rock and a shoulder to cry on. out of the blue, you say whatever is in your heart. they’ll reach out for your hand to let you know they're listening.

CHARACTERS. arataki itto, gorou, yoimiya

CONTENT. gn!reader. canon-compliant. immortal au. hurt/comfort. 0.5k wc. rewrite of phase six at my old main blog @/verxsyon. itto is half- immortal due to his oni blood. gorou is fully immortal due to him being some sort of yokai. yoimiya stays mortal. references to voicelines when you ascend characters to phase six, or in other words, from level 80 to 90. they’re part of the dialogue, which will be italicized.

VERA. you can tell from the old title that i’m terrible with titles. what even is phase six? good thing rewrites exist, amirite?

𝄞༉‧₊˚. ARATAKI ITTO

once an oni, always an oni. that’s a farewell from the villagers when they drove him out of his home for an incident he wasn’t involved in, just because of his half-immortal heritage. the streets ridiculed him; he spent so long fending off for himself until he met granny oni. you remind him of his younger self, even the strongest people need support the most.

“this is the cliff that me and the boys go to sing our hearts out to, you know, loosen up,” he says. “if you want, make sure you’re loud and clear so the ocean can hear you. i gotta warn you though, my voice is so amazing that it’ll blow you away.”

“but in all seriousness…” he helps you up on your feet, and you’re able to see the beauty of the world down below — the ocean that is waiting to hear you sing and the unknown ahead. “just because i made it to the top doesn't mean i’m gonna forget all the things you've done for me, okay? i’ve still got your back, anytime, anywhere.”

𝄞༉‧₊˚. GOROU

top dog. the ever-victorious pointy-eared general. those nicknames are what he believed he didn’t deserve. an immortal like yourself, he has lived through and fought in countless wars for centuries to be acquainted with loneliness. most of his best soldiers are gone. that kid teppei, one of his brightest, is gone. he’s never been so afraid.

“out of all the wars i fought in, this war against the shogun scared me the most,” he confesses, squeezing your hand tightly. “i wasn’t ready to face any more casualties after teppei. i wasn’t ready to lose both kazuha and the traveler after almost getting executed by her judgment. and when i thought all hope was lost…”

“… you were there beside me to assure me that it’s not. i should be the one thanking you. to return the favor, i’m always here to listen if you need me.” his face lights up and his tail starts to wag. “with momentum on our side and close camaraderie, we are unstoppable. thank you for your guidance. this is a victory that belongs to the both of us.”

𝄞༉‧₊˚. YOIMIYA

despite being a mortal, she understands the perspective of an immortal through fireworks. mortal lives are fleeting, she had said to the traveler. once launched into the sky, they disappear. whereas for immortal lives, they can keep watching them disappear forever and ever. she knows that she’ll be gone while you continue to live on, but it doesn’t explain her rather cheerful demeanor.

“oh, why am i happy?” she tilts her head to the side. “well, it’s not because i’m about to leave eventually. it’s because you’re here with me. i’m glad to be able to spend this moment with you. whenever i look at my creations, i don’t think of them being a representation of every mortal living here.”

“i think about the enjoyment i had watching them with my pops, my friends, and my special someone. even when i’m gone, you still believe i’m here.” she stands firm and proud, flashing a peace at you. “never fear, yoimiya is here! evil begone! justice prevails! think this is a good way to introduce the powers you've taught me to the children? isn’t it cool? hehe! hey, tell me if anyone picks on you, too. i’ll stick up for you!”

[justkending]

Mr. & Mrs. Hunt (Chapter 4/7)

Mini-Series Summary: Two of the most stubborn people in the group partnered together for an undercover mission are also the two people with the most hatred for each other, so what could go wrong? Or is it, what COULDN’T go wrong?…

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger Reader

Word Count: 3900+

A/N Note: Only a few more chapters to go (I think, but we're both lost on how long this series will be.) Thank you guys for reading and as always, thank you for the love and support!

____________

Chapter 4:

Y/N's POV

It wasn’t him. It was 100% me. I did this to myself. I built a wall so quickly around him because I didn’t want to like the man behind my misery. 

My teammates knew enough about my backstory to think they had an idea of my reason for joining SHIELD: helping the little guy because, at one point, you were the little guy—the manipulated guy—the one who no one saved, so you had to save yourself—and now anyone else who can’t do it for themselves. 

Yet, there were so many other things I kept for myself, and things files couldn’t tell you. No files existed of them, and I’m glad because I didn’t want the pity. 

James Buchanan Barnes was the reason behind my abuse. Not personally, but my abuser was obsessed with his accomplishments under the German and Russian terrorist organizations and wanted to make a female, more skilled, discrete, and sleeker version of the Winter Soldier. 

Who fucking didn’t, right? God, every goddamn evil bastard on this godforsaken shit show of a planet wants to remake something that was a once in a lifetime kind of thing and crack more than a few eggs to get to that point. Selfish asshole…

Being constantly compared to him and then beaten for not hitting the unreachable mark of the man I was ‘of no comparison to’ after years of trying to hit that standard, and then being asked to be on a team with him? A lot of emotions hit me like a train when I got that news. 

Will I amount to being the trained spy and agent I am for Shield with him by my side? Will he make me look like a completely pointless addition to the team? After five years of already working with the Avengers and then learning who the Winter Solider was? Steve’s best friend and probably the only person he could relate to in their journey? All the way to having to work with him… The change-up was instantaneous, where I would have begged for baby steps. 

Then again, when has the world made it easy for me?

So yes. I was an ass and kept him further than arm's length away to stay safe from learning that he was a good guy when I wasn’t ready to like him yet. I had a lot of trauma I never thought I’d have to work through with the infamous man himself, and that irritation and annoyance just continued when he finally matched my energy, and we never strayed from that relationship until… now.

And here he was, genuinely asking what HE did wrong when I was the reason for our enemies’ plot line. 

“Bucky, I don’t think I can talk about this right now,” I breathed out slowly, feeling the tears prick in my eyes.

It had been a minute since I cried and felt this vulnerable, and I couldn’t seem to stop it. I think subconsciously, I didn’t want to stop it, but my mind was begging my body to hold out until he was out of the room. 

“Y/N, if I did something to you, I didn’t realize-” 

“You wouldn’t have known,” I whisper, not trusting my voice to stay steady, but also not wanting to put anymore of the blame on him from here on out. 

He wasn’t a bad guy.

He had proved himself time and time again to be a really good guy. Even when he broke and decided he hated me back, he still had his moments when he put it aside and showed chivalry. I admired him for it even when I ignored the admiration. 

Makes it hard to fully hate a guy who made sure ladies weren’t opening any doors for themselves. Or a man who remembered Morgan’s birthday and bought her an ice cream cake before stealing Steve’s shield to sled down a hill her dad told her not to. Or a man you treat like absolute shit 99% of the time, and he still checks on you when you have nightmares, and he grabs water and an ice pack and helps you even out your breathing before waiting for you to go back to sleep. 

I didn’t ask him for the help, and he never mentioned the handful of times he fell into the routine of soothing me back to sleep. Never brought it up, never made me feel like I owed him, and never hinted at remembering such kindness. 

But now?

“You wouldn’t have known why it started this way to begin with. And you likely won’t,” I sigh, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth before turning around; a lot more put together, even if it was just a mask I had learned to put on most of my life. 

“I don’t understand,” Bucky furrowed his eyebrows at my disposition. 

“I don’t expect you to, but maybe we should go to sleep and talk about it later. It’s getting late, and you have to go to your ‘job’ tomorrow,” I say with hand quotes. “We have to keep the ruse going.” 

“A few hours of sleep doesn’t affect me,” Bucky shook his head, and I could see him itching to put his hands back on me, but he held back. “Please. I need to know what the hell I did.” 

“Again, Bucky,” I say sternly this time, all emotion I’m struggling to keep at bay shoved down. “You are not at fault, and tomorrow I’ll talk to you, but for now, I need to sleep on it.”

He read my face for lies, and I kept it neutral. I wasn’t going to break here. Now was not the time. I needed space to think about how I was going to approach this after so long of avoiding it and being put on the spot wasn’t going to work for me. 

“Ok,” he said, softer than I think I ever heard him talk. His eyes were soft and sensitive, and I didn’t know how I felt about it…

He turned and walked out of my room, gently shutting the door behind him and turning off the overhead light he had originally flashed on. 

I didn’t instantly head straight to bed. I stared at the doorway in the dark, seeing the faint silhouette of the barrier between us. He was still on the other side, and I could hear his heart rate higher than normal.

This was affecting him more than I thought it would. Why was he so worried about what I thought of him? He didn’t seem bothered by my disinterest in the past. Or at least I didn’t figure he did. 

____________________

When I woke up, Bucky was already gone. His truck, normally in the driveway, was missing, and I knew he had taken off for our mission report. 

Thankful, I took the time to make my coffee, sit on the front porch, and watch the neighborhood take on its morning routine. 

People were on runs with their family dogs, moms were doing their morning walks with strollers, some neighbors were out already tending to their gardens, and everything suburban seemed to be on track. 

Towards the end of my cup, I notice Mrs. Bauer coming back from her jog she must have taken earlier than the others. 

“Oh, hello, neighbor!” she shouted when she spotted me, uniformly checking our house like her head was on a swivel if she heard a pen drop in it. 

Still in her jog, she sashayed over to my lawn, and I mumbled, “Here we go,” smiling at her as she followed the sidewalk to our steps. 

“How are you doing today, Bethanne?” I grin standing from my patio chair and going down the steps to meet her at the bottom of the flight. “Is there a run club I didn’t know about? You’re the 10th person I’ve seen getting a head start on their steps for the day.” 

She laughed and waved a hand at me before taking an earbud out, pausing her music on her watch, and placing her hands on her hips as she looked up at me. 

“There is actually a mommy and me walking club on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Depending on the weather, of course, but who knows,” she grinned up at me. “Maybe you can be joining it sooner than you thought.”

“Maybe not as soon as you think,” I laughed, holding my mug tighter with both hands so I wouldn’t strangle her instead and leaning on the banister. “We wanted at least a year in the house by ourselves before we add another set of feet to the chaos,” I scrunch my nose and add, “but I’m excited for the day Beau and I have a mini-version of us running around here.” 

“Speaking of Beau,” she grins, looking to the driveway. “Where is he today? He’s usually home with you most of the time, right?”

“Oh, it was time for him to get back to work. He took off for a few weeks to get moved in and spend time with me before we had to get back to the real world,” I answer as planned. 

“That’s right. I think I remember you guys talking about that at the first block party,” she nodded, watching me carefully for slip-ups. “Can you believe it’s only been two weeks of you guys here? I feel like you two have been a part of the community for at least a year.” 

“You’re sweet,” I gush convincingly and look out to the neighborhood for effect. “You guys have really taken us in as your family, and you don’t know how much I appreciate it. We appreciate it,” I correct and look off in the distance like I’m thinking of my sweet, doting husband when, in reality, I was thinking of the day this mission was over and I could carry on with my normal life. “I don’t think I’ve mentioned this. Beau isn’t one to really talk about it, but his family life wasn’t the best. They’ve practically been strangers since he turned 18.” 

“Oh, is that so?” She inched up, feeding on the new (fake) information. 

I nod. “When we started dating, my family took him in as his own- well, I only had my dad around for most of my life, but they got along really well. He passed three years ago,” I give a tight-lipped look as I look down at my feet in sadness. “They developed a bond, which wasn’t hard considering who my dad was. He was the best, though we might be biased in thinking that. Taught Beau how to do a lot of things dads are supposed to teach their sons. Well,” I sniffle for added effect. “Anyway, we’re kinda on our own now. No extended family we’re close with, and with my dad’s passing, it’s really just us. So when I say we’re grateful for y’all’s hospitality, I mean it.”

She seemed to buy it, as much as an undercover convict could, and smiled kindly up at me before placing a hand on my arm. 

“Of course, sweetheart. We’re just lucky you two are some of the good ones. You’d be surprised who’s come in and hasn’t made the cut. Lawns in disarray, unfriendly attitudes, and you know the list,” she winks and rolls her shoulders back before stretching in her spot. “Speaking of being lovely neighbors, how would you and Beau feel about a dinner at our house? Reggie and I have been talking about having you over for quite some time now, and I think we can finally host.” Before I could ask, she stopped me and explained. “Kitchen renovation. It was, and still is, a pain in my ass, but it should be doable for a small dinner.”

“That sounds lovely,” I beam as much as I could act. It was the perfect next step, and the bait had been taken, but a part of me wanted to settle things with Bucky in our personal dispute before we put on our masks for the two main perpetrators. “Let me check with him and see what his schedule will look like now. He’s getting some new orders today, and some things are changing in the company. We’ll know more tonight. But we will for sure make it work.” 

___________

After Bethanne told me some useless neighborhood gossip, she excused herself, and I went back inside to get ready for the day and consider how I would approach Bucky on our issue. 

I knew it was time to be truthful, even if I dreaded it. Bucky had proven time and time again that he wasn’t the enemy, and I needed to deal with my issues. I was tired of wasting energy on hatred and anger, and these last two weeks proved that Bucky wasn’t the one who should have been receiving the blunt force end of my trauma. 

I had until four in the evening to come up with an idea of how I wanted to go about it, but I had stress cleaned instead and couldn’t come up with a non-terrifying way to approach this life-changing conversation.

Finally, I found it best we get dinner in the town over (as not to have any peaking eyes or eavesdropping ears as we dive into my life story I hadn’t indulged to near anyone before), and I would talk to Bucky there. However, plans changed when Bucky came home. 

From my spot in the kitchen, I heard him shout in his domesticated voice across the street, “No, that sounds perfect! We’d love to!” The door opened just as he finished his sentence, and his voice became clearer. 

I moved around the island and slowly walked toward the door to get a view of who he was talking to, and I noticed Bethanne at her mailbox waving to Bucky. 

I furrowed my eyebrows at the obvious commitment he put us in, and after he waved back, he shut the door behind him, looking at me, and dropped the act quickly. 

“What did you just agree to?” I asked, nodding my head behind him. 

He looked me up and down, and I almost forgot I had picked a new, semi-fancier sundress for our “surprise anniversary dinner” (at least the front I was trying to put on for getting out of town without too much suspicion).

(Make whatever color you please or change it in your mind if you want! I'm choosing to pick it as a darker red.)

“You look nice,” he says as his eyes trail back up to my own, and I swear I see him take a gulp. 

“What did you agree to?” I asked again, focused more on what he had decided for us regarding Bethanne. 

His previous shocked face faded away, and he rolled his eyes slightly before throwing his work bag to the side.

“Bethanne invited us to dinner. I said yes because we need to build a relationship with them,” he replied stoically, as if my question was dumb and pointless. 

I just stared at him and let my “personal vendetta” look rest on my face. He studied me and had the decency to shrink ever so slightly. 

“What?”

“What happened to discussing things first?” I said in an eerily calm voice. 

“I didn’t think accepting dinner at a home we’ve been trying to get inside of for the last two weeks is something we’d have to discuss.” And now he straightens up, throwing his empty arms to the side. 

A few seconds later, I yelled, “You dipshit!” in a muffled grunt, keeping my voice down as much as I could handle and balling my fists in anger. 

His eyebrows shoot up and he huffs with his chest puffed out as he marches to me. I see the intent in his eyes, and I start walking away towards the opposite room closest, needing a minute not to lose my shit, and if I have to look into his stupid azure eyes like he wants to read everything passing through my mind, I’ll break.

“Don’t walk away from me,” he growls, and I shoot him a look over my shoulder as I shift my pace and head down the hallway to the bedrooms. “Y/N, stop being a stubborn ass and-”

“Unless you want a heel thrown at your head, and you’re welcome for being civil about this, I suggest you leave me alone,” I shout behind me, turn sharply to the left, and go to my room. 

“I don’t even know what THIS is! You looked at me like you wanted to kill me when I walked in, and I haven’t even talked to you today besides updates about work,” he said just as I slammed the door in his face. “Oh, real mature. Shut the door like an adolescent. Wait, I forgot. You are one…” He mumbles the last part and I hear him lean on the door.

Instantly, I whip the door open, and he doesn’t have time to predict his next move. He falls flat on his back on the wood floors of my room, only padded by a thin oriental rug I made Tony buy me. 

He’s winded from the fall and clutches his chest as I bend down next to him and say, “I said. Leave. Me. The. Fuck. Alone.” I stare at him for a second, solidifying my threat. I stand to walk out and only give him a glance as I pass the doorway. 

_____________

Bucky’s POV:

I left her the fuck alone. 

I may have been royally pissed (that is a blatant ass understatement), but something about the look in Y/N’s eyes told me not to push unless I wanted to wake up with my head no longer attached to my body. 

I was too scared to leave her room in fear I’d run into her when she wasn’t ready and risk taking the chances of the guillotine earlier, so I sat on her bed and tried to rack my brain to where I slipped up to cause whatever the hell I walked in to…

I knew almost instantly and realized what a stupid, simple mistake it was. Bethanne asking me to dinner set her off, I knew. But her comment about talking with each other before making decisions told me my mistake. 

Something happened I didn’t know of, and I may have just fucked whatever it was up. As for what it is? No goddamn clue. But using context clues and just basic reading of the body language, Y/N had already made a plan, and I likely threw it out the window.

I heard footsteps before I could think further, and Y/N appeared in the doorway, taking a deep breath. She would have convinced me she was going to be civil if it wasn’t for her history, but I was curious to see which lane she chose. 

“One thing before I bite my tongue,” she says in almost a whisper, like she’s trying to keep her frustrations at bay. “You make me want to shave my head like Britney Spears in 2007 80% of the time. This moment was almost a tipping point for that kind of outcome...” She lets out a long breath like she passed the test of keeping it together. 

Surprisingly, a lot more tame than I was expecting. 

“Glad you got that out of your system. Now, please tell me what the hell happened?” I asked, keeping my guard up in case she resorted to her typical insults and fury. 

“Oh, now you want to communicate,” she mocks and walks to the bed, harshly sitting next to me but leaving a copious amount of space between us. 

I let it slide because I know she’s fighting bigger demons, like the urge to insult me, until I personally dig my own grave and say goodbye to my cruel reality. 

“Bethanne was goading us,” she answers, thankfully getting right to the point. “Something about her proposition seemed off, and I wanted to clear some things up with you before we jumped on the offer.”

I nodded my head, seeing that my instantaneous reply wasn’t thought out. That was on me, yes, but she also reacted extremely dramatically, expressing an odd feeling about the interaction instead of hard proof. 

“What did she ask, and what was off about it?” I question, trying to stay mission based because something seemed off still.

“It wasn’t what it was but how she was asking. Something in her tone and the way she was looking at our house and me. Like she was trying to take in detail after detail up close. Checking for cracks in the foundation,” she answers and turns to me just slightly. “She also said her kitchen was under renovation, and something felt off about it.” 

“The vibes about our neighbor getting a kitchen renovation made you knock the wind out of me when you opened your door?” I asked before I could think, but I didn’t budge, my furrowed eyebrows aimed at her. 

She matches my glare and turns her body fully to me. 

“It seemed like an excuse,” she answers slowly. 

“To what? Host a dinner? That’s kind of the opposite effect. Who would want to host a dinner when you have kitchen renovations? It means they trust us if they’re willing to let us see a house that’s not perfect like the front they put on.” 

"That’s what you get from it, but I think they just planted a little seed of their own.” 

“What do you even mean?”

“Kitchen Reno? That’s an excuse to say, ‘Oh, Charlotte, I can’t cook the chicken pot pie I was going to make for you two because our new oven hasn’t been delivered and installed yet. You know? Because we have the kitchen under renovation? I completely forgot,’” She acted in a convincing Bethanne impersonation and then quickly turned back to serious. 

“You got that from a kitchen reno comment?” I deadpanned after a minute. 

“I got that from understanding women masterminds who know how to manipulate a situation. I am that woman, so I think I can read them pretty well,” she says confidently back. 

Touché.

“And what if you’re wrong?” Her bitchface grew at my question. 

“First off, I’m not. Second off, even if I was wrong, we are supposed to consult each other about accepting invitations into the house of our suspect enemies,” she ran a hand through her hair, which I notice now looks styled differently. Did she curl it or have it blown out? And yes, I know what a blowout is. I have women friends and coworkers.

Yeah… I was in the wrong here, and that’s on me. I wasn’t thinking. I also had a long day snooping around for more information about this whole operation, but it isn’t necessarily an excuse… It’s not like  I haven’t worked on a case like this in the past. I mean, minus being fictitiously married to a coworker. 

“I’m sorry,” I say, and she gives me a weird look. “What?”

“I wasn’t expecting an apology,” she says, standing slowly and straightening her dress. 

“I know when to accept I made a mistake,” I shrug and stand as well. 

She studies my face like there's a retort that’s going to follow, but I just stare at her silently, communicating that I’m set on my apology. 

“Ok…” she drags out, watching me as she steps toward the door. “Well, I guess we need to get ready for tonight. Considering we have dinner. With our neighbors. And we need to set up bugs if possible.”

“Guess so,” I nod, crossing my arms. 

She stops suddenly and looks at me with a look of realization. “You’re in my room.” She steps to the side, leaving room for me to leave, and avoids eye contact. 

She’s still acting weird, but I need to change and get my head in the game for tonight, so I walk out with a subtle head nod as I leave.

Marvel Tags:

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[hope-luvs-hrtstppr]

my locked tomb annotations! part one: Gideon the Ninth (by Tamsyn Muir) *spoilers ahead*

- gideon saying “Your lady would stone cold eat a baby…” (pg 21) abt harrow. love me some foreshadowing

- “‘The more you struggle against the Ninth, Nav, the deeper it takes you…’” (Muir, 22) something about how gideon spends her whole life trying to escape the ninth house and everyone on it, only to end her own life through an act of devotion for the reverend daughter, while exclaiming, ‘for the ninth!’

- “…she seemed like what she really was: a desperate girl younger than Gideon, and rather small and feeble.” (Muir, 29) HARROWHARK NONAGESIMUS MY BELOVED!!!

- harrow digging all night just to beat gideon’s ass with secret skeletons when she tries to escape. if she wanted to she would!!

- the way gideon is described as desperately lonely on canaan house, she’s off of the planet that ostracized and isolated her for the first time and yet she is still alone. the loneliness we face when surrounded by people can be worse than solitude.

- “… what if the murderor was, like, weird, which would make their subsequent marriage to Gideon pretty awkward?” (Muir, 128) i love you gideon nav.

- gideon saying that “the world seemed less maliciously unfriendly” (183) after she and harrow completed a trial together. after harrow compliments her and finally, finally acknowledges her talent. after harrow shows a warmer side of herself, the world became less cold. (basically, harrow = gideon’s world)

- I MUST NO LONGER ACCEPT BEING A STRANGER TO YOU!!!!!!!!

- cytherea cradling gideon’s body and apologizing for the cruelty that is lyctorhood “We take so much. I’m so sorry” (226)

- harrow telling cytherea “unhand my cavalier” is basically harrow speak for “MY MAN MY MAN MY MAN”

- it must be odd to be in love with a cav/necromancer as someone who is neither. to know that they will always belong to someone else in a way they will never belong to you

- “And though Gideon hated cloisterites, and hated the Locked Tomb… she was hungry for the Reverend Daughter’s preoccupation.” (332) baby griddlehark is so intriguing to me. they were both so young and afraid and alone. they had no one. they had each other. they hated each other. they needed each other.

- “The world revolved as Harrow floated closer” (353) EXIBIT B THAT GIDEON’S WORLD IS HARROW

- YOU ARE MY ONLY FRIEND I AM UNDONE WITHOUT YOU

- ONE FLESH, ONE END (bitch) !!!!

- “Nav, when I saw her face I decided I wanted to live. I decided I wanted to live forever just in case she ever woke up.” (358) ceo of pining, longing, and yearning: harrowhark nonagesimus

- the pool scene is intimate in so many ways. yes, they are verbally expressing their devotion for each other and showing physical affection (THE EYEBROW KISS RAHHHH)— but also they just spend hours in the pool together soaking each other in. being around each other without all of the hiding and pretending that has made up their relationship thus far. getting to know the authentic version of one another by simply existing in proximity.

- silas saying that lyctorhood is “To walk with the dead forever… to make yourself a tomb.” (385) harrow has been living with the psychological burdens that plague immortal beings since her conception. who better equipped for the loss that is lyctorhood than her?

- PAL SAYING HE WAS JUST GLAD DULCIE WAS SPENDING TIME WITH SOMEONE WHO MADE HER LAUGH??? I’VE BEEN SHOT???

- Did you see me???? Did you behold me Griddle????

- “i’m no good at this duty thing. im just me. i can’t do this without you. And i’m not your real cavalier primary, i never could’ve been.” (430) gideon didn’t allow herself to be consumed as an act of duty towards her necromancer. she allowed herself to be consumed as an act of love for harrow.

- “Harrow, I can’t keep my promise, because the entire point of me is you.” (432) growing up on a crumbling planet with only one other person your age, of course they are going to become an essential part of who you are. of course they are going to define the world you live in. of course the entire point of you is them. (exhibit c, harrow is nav’s world)

- I CANNOT CONCEIVE OF A UNIVERSE WITHOUT YOU IN IT!!!!

- “Harrow said, ‘But you’re God’ / And God said, ‘And I am not enough.’” (441)

- “… if she saw herself in the mirror, she might find a trace of Gideon Nav, or worse— she might not find anything, she might find nothing at all.” (444) pre-lobotomy harrow is so tragic. (i heavily resonate with her)

thank you for reading!! part 2 and 3 of my tlt annotations will be posted soon-ish!

[yuri-is-online]

Hey I'm the original person that sent that baby terrarium ask! I thought that it became a forgotten relic lol

I love the expanding you did! I wanna add that when I first wrote that I meant it to be for human/mer couples that don't want to transform. With the new info we got I think that Yuu and Jade would wanna raise their kids on land for the first years where they're still squishy and then slowly move into the water. Going deeper as their kids age.

The aquarium is necessary to stimulate the environment of the deep waters without the danger. Once the babies are old enough, they'll be taken out of the aquarium for short periods of time (sort of like when people take their babies out to the park in strollers) the way I think these particular mer/human hybrid babies work is that they have gills but otherwise appear completely human, if they're place in water for a long amount of time they slowly start growing out their mer features (like when humans get pruney our skin changes to have better grip) and any patterns they inherit from both parents start becoming more prominent (they'll get the mer patterns from one parent and moles,freckles,etc from the human parent)

As times goes on I think Yuu and Jade alternate between land and sea. Their kids are hybrids so they should be allowed to enjoy both sides of their family, sort of like how mixed kids are raised in our world (im speaking from experience, but usually a mixed person would want to explore both heritages in their lifetime. If they don't in childhood they'll try to in adulthood) I don't think Yuu or Jade are the type of people to deprive their kids from those experiences so they settle on having a good amount of sea/land potions on hand.

When jade was a first year he'd have no idea what's in store for him at NRC, it's almost funny, like the seven are humbling him for laughing at human/mer couples he saw online lol

Oh hello dearest friend, none of my asks are ever forgotten. Tucked away in a very dusty corner screaming at me to get back to them, but not forgotten!

I agree about mer hybrids looking human but having gills. I considered bringing up the idea of them being amphibious so I am glad to see we're on the same page ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

As for the bit about these kids being mixed... that just adds a layer of tragedy to their existence. You are not from Twisted Wonderland. Your culture, your people, your history, all of the things your children might be curious about and wish to understand do not exist for them to see. Stories that you might tell them, people you might want them to meet, you can only recreate what you remember so if your memory is poor there's going to be so many questions you won't be able to answer. In a sense no matter who Yuu ends up with that will be a problem... but being part mer has got to make that worse. The babies will be alien no matter where they go. I agree they'd want to explore both land and sea as much as they could though.

Ah first year Jade... he was so naive back then. Humans are entertaining sure but to want to be one forever? Please only a fool would think such a thing could work. Good thing he likes being proven wrong. Sometimes anyway.

[kaiserkisser]

mutuals appreciation post

omg i cant believe im already writing another one what- anyways again, im just making this to let all of you guys know that i appreciate you LOADS. every single one of my mutuals. doesn't matter if ive mentioned you here or not, if youre a mutual, that means i do remember you and will never stop loving you /gen. i seriously LOVE you guys. thank you so so much for putting up and staying with me, talking to me and being friends with me. i cant express how much it means to me. happy new year, all of you ♡♡♡

(i wanted to write essays for everyone wtf this isnt at all enough but tis a LONG post nonetheless lmao)

oh also a little gift for everyone hehehe <3333

@meowmaii MY LOVELY ONLINE LIL SIS ILYSMMM. interacting with you and seeing u on my dash or notifs brings me smmm joy istg and im so so so proud of you for being you!!!! i am so very glad to have gotten to talk to you my dear behen and i hope we never stop talking <333 i genuinely love u so so much thank you for being here and being yourself! ♡ help i could literally make this a 50-page long essay sooo ill stop here. for now. :333 here's to another year together and to us never stopping talking to e/o hehe :333

@thegolden-tigeress SHREEEE ARGHHH another of my absolute favorite people on the planet!!! tysm for everything!!!! i literally appreciate your existence and you so so much i cant even begin to express it ♡♡♡ thank you soooo much for talking to me and sending me asks n tagging me and stuff!!!! it makes me feel so so seen bby <33 i promise ill try to interact more with u this next year after boards r over! im so so proud of u for being here despite the bs lifes giving u!! heres to us talking more and more simping over chuuya this next year haha ily take care <33

@kavehpilled aaand hello to u my dear online older brother :33 (help am i picking up siblings like pokemons-) anw!!! thank you for regularly interacting with me n remembering me despite how busy, chaotic and CRAZY(??!!!? HELLO??!?!) life is for u :3 i love talking to u so so much hehe <3 it always makes me SO happy to see u in my notifs, inbox or on my dash going insane over arcane (youre making me wonder if i should get into arcane too.) take care noah!! you being kaveh is great and all BUT dont become overworked and broke like him- :3

@floraldresvi you ANGELLLL!!!!! i did already send u a nice long christmas tree message so !!! ill keep this short but thank you so so much for remembering me!!! ill not have been very active for a while and then all of a sudden ill see you in my notifs or inbox or dash and go 'YAYYY ITS VI EEEE!!' and jump in happiness :333 (and just you wait grrr once my exams are over ill unleash ❀✿ anon on the world again and youll be the first victim mwehehehe :333) take care vivi ilysmmmm/p <33

@milk-violet MIMIIII :3333 tis our dearest ray of sunshine, incredibly talented star, god-level pjsk player and kazuha's most beloved lover <33333 i swear, talking to you is always soooo fun it leaves me smiling without fail :33 i love love love !!! seeing your energy and interactions on my dash and in notifs!!! aaa im so glad i got to meet u n talk to u this year!!! take care n i hope we talk more this next year ehe!!! <33

@alexisomnias LEXIIII !!! another person i absolutely love seeing on dash!!!!! admittedly, i havent interacted much this year but nonetheless i do always !!! remember u n thinking of u makes me smile without fail <33 ur so so so sweet and fun whenever we talk and it makes me vv happy <333 and istg u n kaveh are SO adorable omfg i ship you two SOO much its insane djdhs :333 take care lexi!!! <3

@mlkbwunnies oh my god yinggie!!!! again, ive often said this to u but youre are genuinely SUCH a wonderful person!!!! you give off such a comforting vibe that i always feel vv relaxed n happy when i talk to you <33 interacting with u n seeing u on dash makes my day hehe ♡ youre so so very caring and kind and loving and i still cant believe i get to be moots with someone as amazing as you!! take care of yourself!! you and alhaitham are so cute too ohmygoshh :33

@damyoujackson ok so you. tbh i have NO idea when youll be seeing this. may be a month or year later when im out of the schl or maybe today (in which case im running away bye.) BUT. thank u sm for being my friend. like genuinely fgfdffg omg i swear youve been one of my absolute best friends so like. tysm for listening to me yap and yk, putting up with my weirdness haha i cant even express how glad i am to have met you jajsdj !! hopefully we still stay in touch aaajshs (also if u see this before ive left then NO we dont talk about this.) take care bro n dont be a stranger :333

@punkisntdeadandneitherami orion!!!!!! thank u so much for interacting with me!!! (i wouldve honestly not reached out cuz social anxiety lmao) BUT!!! i loveeee talking to u and seeing u in my notifs!!!! youre such a chill and cool person djsjjshs youre one of the first people who come to my mind when i think of my moots or of tagging ppl !!! thanks for being moots with me shshs :33

@fishii28 youre such a wonderfully sweet person fishii !!!!!! its always been SUCH a delight to talk to u mwehehehe :33 and omg yukifishi >>>>>> hopefully we talk more this next year, please take care dear because you deserve nothing but the absolute best in the world, and im so so happy and proud of you for still being here despite everything!!!!! thank u so sooooo much for interacting with me <33333

@blackcherriestxox styx!!!! we only started talking recently but you are SUCH an incredibly fun person to talk to!!!! youre so silly hehe /pos/lh n i love ur vibes!!! +your aesthetic >>>>> thanks for listening to my rambles XD and and lmk if u read bllk hehehe anw im so so very glad i started talking to u!!! heres to getting to know e/o better this next year :33

@fyodorsushankaaa oliviaaaa <333 thank u so so much for filling up my notifs hehe it makes me feel sooo seen <333 but at the same time please don't burn/stress yourself out!! i loooveee talking to u :333 and oof ykw im gonna fix a day to spam u in return too mwahaha :333 hopefully we talk more next year ^-^ anw thank u sm for being mutuals with me!!! <33

@hoicacti cacti my dearest!!!!!!/p ilysmmm omg somehow ur always there for me for me when i need it even if u urself might not know it shdhdbshsj thank u smm for your kind words, asks and messages!!!! i often think of you and how sweet u are!!! interacting with u is SUCH a pleasure omg and i appreciate you so so soooo much its insane !!!! sjsj take care!!! <333

@still-fatemeh @s0lace-1n-s0l1tude @magicalgear @raskoln1kovsaxe +

@softmeetscreatureplz @siimplyapril you guys, thank you SO much for tagging me in stuff and interacting with me !!!!!!! makes me feel so happy even if i might not always do the tag games <333 (i have all the picrew ones saved in my drafts lmao i promise ill do them-) anw thanks for always remembering me and tagging me <3333 hopefully we interact more next year too <3333 (had to seperate the first tags from the last bc cant tag more than five in a row :( )

alright i think the tags r over for now... im sorry if ive forgotten any of my close moots :((( but to those mutuals who havent been tagged, if u see this please dont think ive forgotten u!!! i absolutely do remember u n love u its just we havent interacted one on one much soo i was nervous to tag yall ahaha...

anw thats it i think! to every single person reading this, happy new year!!! lets hope that this is our year lmao- everyone please take care of yourselves!!! i love u all smm <333

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

june 3, 2022 2:00 p.m. newcrest counseling

"i'm really happy to hear you think you worried too much, but what makes you say that? did you feel differently than you expected?"

"i did, actually. as i've figured out over the last week, doing the work to become a healthier person means i know how to better manage negative emotions. i often still default to seeing myself as the person who just falls apart as soon as i feel any emotion less pleasant than neutral. at first, when i was on the plane and then in my hotel room alone, i was battling negative thoughts, but i turned it around pretty quickly. to be honest, that was weird. i'm so used to having to completely lose it before i can recover. recovering at the first very tiny peak in severity is almost a miracle.

finding the good things, however small, to focus on last weekend was what helped me revert my mood and stop feeling icky before icky became horrendous. the negative thoughts on my mind, i redirected to the best of my ability. like, for example, okay, if i never fly an airplane again before i die, i'll just be thrilled i could do it for a few years. a few wonderful years is better than zero years. little kid grant never thought he'd survive past 18, let alone follow his dreams. if time travel were possible and i could go back and tell grant kid he flew an airplane one day, he'd never fucking believe it. so, i already won. nothing can take that away.

on that note, i'm historically not the best at being open to good things or experiences. i'm at least prone closing myself off to relishing them once they're over. i spent so long being lashed by the world with no end in sight that i don't trust goodness, you know? i expect people to get fed up with me or to hurt me. i expect the universe to screw me over. i also believe i don't deserve goodness, and i've thrown away good things myself for that reason alone. i think i'll struggle with those specific thoughts for a very long time, but i do know that i am learning move past them. i'm learning to believe i deserve better and to appreciate things more and to extract what i can from my experiences.

i realized i was moving past those thoughts for the first time after dealing with my ex and then cutting off my dad for the second time, but especially after my dad, and now i'm confirming the changes. i felt like hot garbage for weeks after that final conversation with him because i just did. reminding myself of how truly horrible he was as a father hurt, but after a while, i was glad i told him the truth, and suddenly, i had much more appreciation for the male figures in my life who were or are kind to me. a burden was legitimately lifted off my shoulders, and old me would have never managed to find anything positive in that situation, so the fact that current me did says a lot. if i can find something positive there, i can find something positive anywhere.

but hey, i'm not even getting to the most fulfilling part of why i felt differently than i expected. the wedding was genuinely great, and i ended up wasting no substantial amount of time absorbed in my own feelings, so i got to be present with my friends. even when i was pretending my trauma didn't exist years ago, i spent so much time stuck in my own head or my own body, always filtering every personal conversation through that lens, and you don't get how much energy and attention that soaks up until you can be fully present with people. of course, it helps that i knew all these people and knew i could relax and trust them, but still. it felt good to be able to devote my entire attention to celebrating them and their lives and not have split it between them and my own exhausting thoughts."

[thenightfolknetwork]

Hello. I'm, um, not entirely sure how to talk about this. I hope it's okay if I misspeak. I'm a human, right, so I think that needs to be clear more than anything, but I've been very involved in the creature community for years now. I live by a great big lake and I always liked to walk down the shore late at night or early in the morning, you know, just to try and get out of my own head, and one night ages ago I accidentally tripped over someone's jacket and twisted my ankle. It was a gorgeous fur jacket, too, not like any kind of fur I'd seen in a jacket before, but just stunningly soft and thick as Hell.

Now, of course I didn't take it, that'd be awful, but also I had just hurt myself in kind of a nasty way and so it wasn't like I had anything else to do but sit by the shore next to the jacket and waited, and yeah, a few hours later one of the lake seals popped its head out of the water, looked at me for a good long while, and then...well, I mean, you know how the rest of the story goes, I'm sure.

Anyway, it's been a few years now and I've become really close to this family. I didn't really know anyone in my town before meeting them and I'm not on speaking terms with my own folks, so in a lot of ways these people have become my family, and it's an honor that they trust me to keep guard of their cloaks and such when they go out. But I've got this problem, right, and it's just...over the years it's felt less and less like I fit in with other humans. All my friends are nightfolk now, my family hates me even more because they're bigots--in this night and age, can you fucking believe it--and it's just like every night I get further and further away from the shore.

I'm just scared because...I don't *want* to stop drifting away. I've had dreams of joining them down there in the lake, practically every night for months on end. I've tried doing research into methods of joining the community but I don't want to become a vampire, I don't fancy any lunar-aligned nonsense, nothing has felt right except selkies, but I can't decide if I'm just self aware enough that I need a push from an outside viewer to try and accept something I already know full well...or if no, actually, that little voice in my stupid head that won't go away that keeps calling me a fraud, an invader, an appropriator--what if the reason it's not going away is because it's right and I really don't belong?

Just...please be honest with me. Am I a complete asshole for spending hours every day trying not to just outright beg my family--sorry, chosen family--to help me sew myself a cloak, or is there something to this?

First of all, reader, please rest assured. As long as you are speaking from a place of kindness and a willingness to learn, you don't need to worry about using all the correct terminology. I always try to listen generously when people come to me in need, and I encourage our followers to do the same.

Unfortunately I can well believe that bigots like your biological relatives still exist. I'm glad you've been able to extract yourself from their hateful society, and have found comfort, support and kinship among the nightfolk.

You say there is a little voice in your head calling you a fraud, casting doubt on the validity of your feelings. As much as you might want to push it away and stop your ears, I want you to listen to that voice, just for a little while. Pay attention to the language it uses and what ideas it seems to have about the world.

And then ask yourself: is this my voice? Does that sound like me? Or does this sound like a last, desperate, wriggling remnant of the people I've worked so hard to distance myself from?

Every one of us is raised with a narrative, a story about the world and our place in it, and how we should treat the people around us. We're told that story by our parents, by our teachers and schoolmates, by television and books and a million other sources. The story is so vast and so all-encompassing, it takes an enormous effort to be able to see any single part of it clearly.

Imagine, then, how hard we have to work to realise some of that story is untrue, or harmful, fed by hatred and fear. To start untangling ourselves from the rotting, strangling roots of the story we've known all our lives, and start planting something new and fresh and honest.

It sounds to me like this little voice is one of those lingering strands of the story you were raised with – one where liminality is nothing to admire or strive for, and where you cannot be trusted to know your own mind, and your own needs. It's time to tell yourself a better story.

You've found people who honour you with their trust and who make you feel supported and loved, as you deserve. You admire them, and want to be like them. None of this sounds “stupid” to me.

This is not a decision to be taken lightly. By all means, take your time, and talk your feelings through with your family. But I think you already know what story you want for yourself, reader – and for what it's worth, I think the world will be better for its telling.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[unchainedclaws]

I Am Fiction: A Personal Essay on Fictional Identity as A Being Who Has Always Had A Fictional Source

Cartoons are a staple of human childhood in this world, and have been for decades. From the comedic slapstick and simplistic one-off stories of the genre’s beginnings, to the more complex and story-based shows of the present, cartoons come in a wide variety. I fall somewhere in between, being from an educational childrens’ show all about teaching life lessons and kindness, though without a consistent storyline. It's not a show that truly exists here, being a fabricated background setting for a mascot horror game, but I’m a cartoon character, a Toon, all the same.

Before we get too far, I should probably introduce myself. I’m Sprout Seedly, one of the Main Characters of Dandy’s World and your local anthropomorphic strawberry who loves baking and is a bit overprotective of his fellow Toons. I’m a Toon brought to life by my creators, Arthur Walton and Delilah Keen, so I could interact with and teach kids who came to Gardenview Educational Center and Museum. I’m both a cartoon and a living person, and now I’m living in a human body as part of a plural system with people from many other “fictional” worlds.

Living here and knowing so many others’ experiences with being fictionkind, and comparing it to my own, I started thinking a lot more about my own life and how unique it really is. So, I decided to write this, putting my own experiences out there with being a Toon; with being fiction brought to life even in my old home. Being someone who blurs the line between fiction and reality in a different way than being a fictive, fictionkin, or another fictionkind identity typically does.

Back home, I always knew that I was a cartoon brought to life. Episodes of the Dandy’s World cartoon played on TVs around the Gardenview building, kids would come up to me saying I was their favorite in the show, and merchandise with my face flew off the shelves in the gift shop. Most importantly though, was how my creators viewed myself and the other Toons. Arthur was a kind man; he’s the one who initially drew us all and brought us to life on the screen, before Delilah used Ichor to bring us into the real world years later. Despite being the one to give us physical life, Delilah didn’t tend to see us as fully alive. We walked, talked, and entertained guests; we all had our own relationships with each other that differed from our show counterparts. Delilah did care for us in some way, but despite everything, in the end we were simply her creations, simply things that she made. Arthur was more outwardly caring, but even then he still carried similar beliefs.

Those beliefs shaped my identity then, and it shapes my identity now as well. Whereas most other fictionkind were fully real people without a “source” before awakening or coming here, I never fully was. I was always a piece of fiction, even back in my home at Gardenview. I understand now that the Gardenview staff were, in a way, denying us personhood despite us being living, sentient beings. It doesn’t bother me though, and honestly I take comfort and pride in it. I’m fictional; I always have been and I always will be. It's a fairly unique experience even within the widely varied alterhuman community, and I value having this life and set of experiences. 

Remembering the joy on the kids’ faces when they watched mine and my best Cosmo’s cooking shows, their excitement whenever one of them ran into me off set and we could talk about whatever, even the rarer occasions when adults came to me for baking advice and recipes or because they liked the cartoon too; all of it brings so much warmth to my heart. I know better now from living here and interacting with media how much it meant to those guests, being able to meet their favorite characters in real life and talk to us like normal people. I’m glad that my existence was able to give them that joy. And seeing the joy that these other versions of my friends and I bring people now, even if it is in the form of a mostly child-friendly horror game, brings me that same warmth.

Fiction doesn’t inherently mean “not real,” when it comes to some situations. For me, it is a state of being; a part of my identity. I’m real, but I’m also fictional. And I wouldn’t give that up for the world.

-🍓Sprout (He/It)

[agenderfrenchfry]

I’m very glad that we, as a community, are taking a step back and evaluating how we interact with each other and the thoughts we put out into the world. I’d wanted to speak up about the inherent toxicity this fandom can exude at times myself, but to be honest? I was scared. I still am typing this out! But I trust myself and the people around me, and view this as an important discussion we need to have. My experience in the ibvs fandom has been shared in bits and pieces before, but never fully mapped out. That’s what I’m going to try to do now. (This might seem random at first, but trust me, it’s on topic.)

⚠️Tw for abusive relationships and grooming!⚠️

When I was 13 years old, I was released into the absolute Wild West that is the internet. By all accounts, I was a responsible kid in the eyes of my parents, so I was given little to no monitoring when it came to the content I consumed. Shortly thereafter, I was introduced to someone who would come to define - and end - the rest of my childhood.

Feli, or RainbowWreck on Tumblr, was a system with alters that ranged from far younger than me to far, far older. We met when I sent a response to one of their vent posts, and quickly bonded over a D&D au of IBVS. When tumblr messaging grew inconvenient, we moved to Discord, where we conversed nearly every day. At this point, I was ecstatic. Yes, one friend halfway around the world may have seemed minuscule in the grand scheme of things to others, but I was a severely lonely, chronically anxious autistic kid in middle school of all places. I had no other friends, I was at the stage of my life where connecting with family was getting harder, and overall Feli just seemed like a godsend. Looking back, I can see now that this really made me a perfect target.

I don’t know when things started growing sinister. Do you ever? Slowly, they started pushing. Ignoring my boundaries and testing me to see just how far out of my comfort zone I could be prodded. This often ended up in a horrible panic attack on my end, but I was terrified of the alternative. When angered, they would grow cold, despondent, and threatening. At the same time, they convinced me that my family was evil; that they were the only safe person in my life. They never lay a finger on me, but the amount of control they held over my younger self was terrifying. At the time, I would have done anything for them.

Over time, I became more used to volunteering information about myself, like my name, face, and where I lived. (Hey kids? DON’T DO THIS) I had an especially close relationship with one alter named Wolfie of about 17, who began to dub me his son. I was still only 13. Eventually, it reached the point where they started openly talking about kink and sexual content around me, and I accepted it. This was someone I thought I was safe around. Someone who called himself my father. I was still only 13.

I got out by sheer luck, and what they’ve done still haunts me to this day. Trust me, I’m only just beginning to unravel all the shit they pulled, and this is only a brief summary.

What I’m trying to say is, when people say that nsfw content of minors hurts “someone”, you don’t fully understand that “someone” is real until it happens to a person you’re close with - or, god forbid, you yourself. But trust me, it does. If I had been less desensitized to pornographic imagery at a young age, I probably would have recognized what was happening to me sooner. Maybe I’d be a completely different, healthier person. But that version of me doesn’t get to exist.

So if you happen to be scrolling on tumblr one day and stumble across content like a drawing of minors playing strip monopoly or a fic where the Jovel twins do hanky panky, please, say something. You could really make a difference in the life of a kid who was like me.

[nothorses]

Story about what zero trans unity does to a mother fucker:

I remade my tumblr account like 6 months ago and only follow friends so far and one of the friends unknowingly shares a lot of stuff with transandrophobic views shoved in... actually I think they might know but.. eugh..

I've also been have a lot of man guilt recently? After seeing post after post about men not knowing the female experience and it's sus if you see trans men together in public with no trans women with them,, I've started feeling guilty over relating to trans women's posts about transness - especially one about how when trans women don't pass they're not treated like men, they're treated like their gender is "faggot". I do pass as a man, but I am not treated like the men around me are. Whenever a trans woman talks about how people treat her in boy mode I swear I have stories that line up with those experiences to a T ... joke unintended.

So I've been feeling like shit and then I remembered that your blog exists and genderkoolaid's blog exists and that uhh fuckinnn that one with wolf in the name,, and I've been reading through your blog and just. Joy. I am overfilled with joy. You do touch on a lot of issues are saddening, but it still fills me with a sense of joy that people are actually discussing it. The only trans man related stuff I saw before was about how we can't really be trusted, with the odd "trans men are men" added in there sometimes. But, so, yeah. Your blog reminds me that I belong and that is nice.

I am kinda isolated right now so I have no access to irl queer community, but once I am able to leave I am on the search for trans unity irl! Thank you for existing!

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with that! You're definitely not alone in those feelings or experiences; that's exactly why I started talking about this stuff in the first place, and I still encounter quite a bit of it.

This isn't a new conversation by any means, and I'm so glad to see more and more people engaging in it in more serious and thoughtful ways than I have any knowledge of happening before. This corner of the internet is small, but I've been hearing about and seeing real-world change from it, and that's incredibly encouraging. I hope it keeps up. I'm so excited for us!

Thank you for reaching out with your gratitude, it's really appreciated. 💙 And thanks @genderkoolaid for being fantastic as well :)

[homestuckreplay]

EOA3 - Character Opinions

This is just a quick breakdown of character thoughts so I can track how my opinions are changing over time. I don’t think I feel super different about anyone here compared to Act 2, but there’s probably plenty of acts left to, idk, suddenly become a John hater. I wrote most of these in the dark because I’m trying to avoid screens for health reasons so I think I got everyone who actually appeared in Act 3!

Love ♡

John Egbert - He's had less to do this act overall, but manages to retroactively be the world's sweetest person with his notes and birthday presents to his friends. Listen. I love a gritty anti-hero and all but there's something about an earnest, kind protagonist who still has an actual personality and flaws that put him beyond being a reader insert that just grabs me and won't let go. I love to see him starting to question his assumptions, re-analyze his relationship with his dad and his past (even though I think he's still in the early stages of that) and go from being absolutely overwhelmed by the crude ogres to just soloing his way through a house full of them. I love his creativity in alchemy and in his little doodles for his friends! I want him to win, whatever winning means in this story/game, and I am waving flags and cheering behind him.

Vodka Mutini - You stare into the void. The void stares back, and then slowly, blinks each of its four eyes in sequence.

Rose Lalonde - HEY LOOK IT'S MY BEST FRIEND ROSE LALONDE. <- me every time she's on screen. Rose was great to begin with and gets better each act. Seeing her explore her mom's mad science lab, interact with Jade again, psychoanalyze John for four pages straight, exclusively make conclusions that fit with her existing narrow worldview while ignoring obvious evidence to the contrary, and risk not one but TWO meteor impacts to save her dead cat, has been a delight. And I love that Rose is a client player now, as she's someone who really wants control over situations, and now she's at Dave's mercy in a way that's already making her even more reckless and emotional than before. The story is better when her facade cracks!! Also even though I love Zazzerpan I felt a small vicarious thrill when he got smashed up because I bet Rose was delighted.

Peregrine Mendicant - She is a true, classic fantasy hero. Traveling a harsh, gritty wasteland with naught but a sword at her side and an ideal to believe in and ignoring the personal cost, she's like a witcher or like those dad characters in video games before they find a kid. All three future folks are charming in their concept, and how much I like them does relate to how much I buy into the domain of society they've claimed. With the mail I am so 100% on board. But the general concept of having a responsibility and taking it very seriously even when others wouldn't, or it doesn't make loads of sense in the situation, is compelling to me, and I think PM embodies this the most of the three.

Wayward Vagabond and Serenity - Grouping them as one since Serenity is only seen with WV, more like a familiar than taking her own actions. WV's curious nature and appearification skills continue to delight, and he's brave as well. Despite one moment sacrificing a citizen he's mostly willing to put himself in danger to protect his town and carry out Jade's instructions, his nervousness when making friends is very sweet, and he has this sense of wonder in a lot of the art where he's looking around at the landscapes. Rationally I could critique his political ideals but I have this emotional attachment to him that overcomes all of that. I'm so glad he has a tiny blinky friend by his side.

Like

Jade Harley - Jade seems like a lovely person to hang out with, and a ray of sunshine in people's lives. I love how weird her daily routine is and how to her, it's completely normal. I love her unironic enjoyment of things seen as 'cringe' and the way she's the one encouraging her friends to share in each other's interests. It's still hard for me to be as invested in her story as in the other kids' when - for example - she spends the EOA3 flash sitting by a flower and patiently waiting while the other kids are all running around trying to save their own or somebody else's life. But Jade definitely has a lot of interesting stuff going on, at least as much repressed trauma as John does, and the potential for a fascinating arc when she leaves the beautiful remote island she's spent her whole waking life on. I think she's fairly passive right now due to carrying out the will of Skaia for so long, but I can totally see that changing.

Jack Noir - This guy is awesome even though I barely know what his deal is. I personally don't agree with his clown aversion, but I love his priorities. I love that a hat is the thing that makes him finally snap and turn against the monarch. Radicalized by a jester hat. I like that he's getting character development but not necessarily a redemption arc; there's no hint that he wants to go work for the light side, he's just moving from lawful evil to chaotic evil and potentially becoming a wild card (cards reference intended!!!!) for the ominous planet.

grimAuxiliatrix - Easily the coolest troll so far. Inventive. Original. Has a gimmick and commits to it. If all of Act 4 was just an extended conversation between Rose and GA I would be okay with it.

Mixed / Uncertain

Jaspers - what did he say!!

Dad - I think Dad is the most mysterious character. Obsessive level harlequin enthusiast? Regular businessman? Jail escapee via brute force? Baking champion? Amateur astronomer? Treasure hunt designer? Dad is some or all of these things, and it's way harder to connect them into a coherent character for him than it is for the kids' varied interests. We and John are both missing a crucial piece of the puzzle. It keeps me up at night.

Bec - His radioactive powers are sick af and his relationship with Jade is very sweet, I like when two individually very weird characters find each other and have a surprisingly normal dynamic (at the end of the day they are just a kid and her pet dog!) But we don't know the depths of his connection to Skaia, which is disconcerting.

Nannasprite - Recurring theme with guardians is that it's hard to decide how much I like them until I know how much they know about Sburb in advance, and how they acted on that knowledge. It's extra hard to decide with Nanna because she is a sprite now, and detangling her from the NPC is even harder than detangling her from the harlequin. Meeting Rose's sprite might help! Anyway I think Nanna is old fashioned but well meaning, and has an idea of John as both the generic Child and generic Hero without actually knowing John until today. That's not great but it's also not her fault that she was dead for like a decade.

Midnight Crew - "oh, look at us, we're mean and scary and have weapons" get over yourselves. I have a sword too but you don't see me going round cutting off people's heads about it. Try calling yourself the Daylight Squad and being nice, idiots. They are fun though, and I'm curious if they'll ever play a bigger role in the story - we've had more extended sequences with them each act so far.

Dislike

Sburb/Skaia - I'm still lost as to how much Skaia is passively reporting past and future events, and how much it's actively influencing. But I have a lot of suspicion of any entity that tries to present itself as passive while also causing large amounts of destruction. On the one hand, Skaia could be so alien that it doesn't really correspond to human morality, on the other, Prospit and it's dark counterpart do follow human ideas of good and evil, and WV, PM and AR pick up human institutions very quickly. I feel like Prospit's government might spout the official line that visions during the eclipse are seen randomly and are guided by forces beyond anyone's control, while the actual truth is that Skaia or Prospit's monarch do have influence over what's shown or what happens. Until further notice I'm just as suspicious of the light kingdom as the dark.

Dave Strider - I feel like Dave has been fucked with all his life by somebody who does not care for his emotional wellbeing or physical safety, and as such, it's really hard for him to have healthy relationships with other people without a model of what those look like. His moments of sentimentality come from what we now know is several years of friendship, and when he first met John, Rose and Jade, he was probably way worse, and they still put up with him. I can have all the sympathy in the world for Dave and still say he's a total asshole for putting the alchemiter on Rose's roof in the middle of a fire. That's a Bro-level dick move and I'm gonna need to see Dave stop repeating the cycle of violence before I can like him, because his positive moments of changing his sunglasses and admitting to John that Bro kicked his ass, feel very one step forward and two steps back.

Aimless Renegade - Hitting people with machine guns is not cool. Also, thinking that one specific guy (yourself!!!) can be judge, jury and executioner is extra not cool. I still love his design (can I wrap myself head to toe in caution tape and call it a cosplay??) and I am intrigued by why the mystic ruins contain 'illegal pictography', but otherwise, AR had big shoes to fill being introduced after WV and PM, and he hasn't filled them yet.

carcinoGeneticist - Lacks originality and the personal touch. Very hard to be upset by a troll when their whole angle is "you're stupid and I hate you." https://thesaurus.com

adiosToreador - Does not have the troll's true spirit, or a way with words particularly. That's okay. Maybe AT is incredibly gifted at mosaic making or mini golf or raising chickens. Those are great hobbies and way better things to be good at than trolling.

Grandpa - Apparently he was so much easier to deal with while he was alive, but like, how? Would Jade put a butterfly in front of him and go do her own thing while he was running around trying to shoot it?

Hate

Bro - Worst guy of all time. To quote my other favorite piece of media, 'I hope his ends are fucking great because these means are not forgivable.' Like I don't really care if he has some top secret ironic goal, he's still an adult beating up a 13 year old on a roof under the blazing sun and then leaving him wrecked there. I hope he rocketboards into the sun and never comes back.

Lil Cal - He is still bad to look at.

[shieldofiron]

When I first joined this fandom in late 2022, I had some traction with some stories. And some people reached out to see if I wanted to join a discord server that was owned by a person who at the time had over 1000 followers and posted quite frequently. She was popular, though she presented herself as much more popular than she was. Let’s call her Z.

I did not connect with everyone there, in fact I was uncomfortable for reasons I will go into in a moment, but there were some people I really did connect with, and I stayed to be close to them. And then one day, my closest friend there was kicked out of the space with little to no explanation. He begged the mods and Z, formerly his close friends, and was blocked. I combed the server, but I couldn’t find anything that he did that in my opinion was worth kicking him out. Then he began losing followers and receiving many hurtful and upsetting anons on his tumblr. Angry, because I suspected they had something to do with it, I stopped posting in there and later left. I was disgusted that this was going on and they were acting to my face like it wasn’t, and still sucking up to me about my stories. He said he was worried about me believing him, believing that whatever he did, he didn’t understand what it was. But having witnessed Z’s behavior in her server I had no problem believing it was her and her friends.

Z used to find fanfiction or art of ships that she didn’t like, and @ everyone in the server to come look at it, despite knowing it was extremely distressing for some members. If you protested that you had no issue with these ships in fiction but that maybe you didn’t want to see that on a Tuesday at work in the general chat, Z and her closest friends would harass you (me) to say that it was bad, and evil. She often called for people to unfollow these artists, or block users who she had found and showed to us without any participation on our part. Despite this she frequently became interested in dead dove subject matter, but it was always ok when she did it. Boundaries did not exist to her, except for the boundaries of her taste and how she thought the world should be. Z would routinely make jokes about sensitive subjects like trans rights, and let's just say it felt like it wasn’t her place. But don’t worry, Z would say, I have friends who are [joke she had made] [from country she had insulted] so it’s fine. There’s only so many times you can hear a joke like that and not wonder why it’s being made over and over. If you were offended, everything was a joke, or there was something you didn’t understand.

This server was a deeply uncomfortable space. Many times I felt harassed over my politics, over my opinions in fiction, and it was often easier to just swallow this. When I met my friends there, they showed courage standing up for themselves and I am so glad that I found them. With them, my experiences of this fandom lightened enormously. Z and her friends had made me so paralyzed, paranoid and unhappy. I had been afraid to even talk about my race however tangentially. I was afraid to make posts against anti behavior, because they had so twisted the way I thought the Billy fandom would perceive them. Thankfully I do not think that the majority of the fandom agrees with her views.

Z apparently has been presenting harassing my friend as a misunderstanding. Perhaps the misunderstanding is that she thinks any of this is harmless. Misunderstandings can be overcome, discussed, apologized for. If someone is confused, you can explain, you can be civil. There was no discussion.

Z made no effort, except to further talk about him and others behind their backs. She never reached out to clear anything up at any time. Her excuses when she made them were frankly shocking. And she never explained to me why my friend was so dangerous, but hid behind fake apologies and more popular friends, lying to my face like things were all good. My friend made a post when he felt safe with her username and the username of another person who harassed him. My friends that I kept from that server are the bravest people I know who understand that reputation means nothing if you can’t look at your own actions with conviction. And Z went away for a time.

Until I earlier this year, I was invited to a very large Billy server. Immediately I was confused by a user I had seemingly never seen before who had me blocked. It was Z, with a new name. She had me blocked until she saw me interacting positively with a very popular artist. Then I somehow became unblocked. Which was very interesting. I came to find that she was very close friends with them or tried to be. She appeared to be very close with the owner of the server too.

I was obviously wary but who knows. People can change. I really believe that. Unfortunately I do not believe that she has changed yet.

All of her old behavior was back as was my paranoia and fear. And it appeared that, emboldened by her friendship with the owner of the server and others, she felt safe going even further. Here was finally what she had craved, a large platform and popularity to continue her previous behavior. I later came to find out that the owner of the server had her own issues with bullying others, twisting the truth, and other, much more serious things. They showed the same character that Z always did, sweet to my face and sour behind everyone’s back. Yet again people said that they worried they wouldn’t be believed. They were afraid of the fandom famous people who were their friends.

Perhaps it’s just me, but if I had been called out in the past for bullying a trans person online I would distance myself from any appearance of transphobia or bullying or lying. Not Z. She in fact announced that she would bully the mods and “everyone” in the server when people joined. I am not paraphrasing, she said he was a bully so often that it was almost comical. She openly said she was an anti when someone confronted her over AGAIN trying to publicly shame authors and create mass unfollowing campaigns. There were no or minimal consequences for this. She would casually bring up the same old jokes and dogwhistles that she used to, uglier with time, and to me pathetically stripped of anything that could have excuse them.

Nobody told me these things. I saw it with my own eyes. But still, somehow, she was the hero, the popular beloved person in every story. I was afraid because she had very powerful friends. Or at least she pretended she did. Because she was friends with a server owner who hurt people I cared about. I am still afraid now. But I’d rather do it afraid for my friends than watch this happen.

I would give up every stupid note on every stupid meme if it meant trans people, and all vulnerable people, felt safe in fandom spaces. I am tired of dishonest communication and trying to play some stupid game I never fucking cared about. If some popular person wants to crush me like a grape for believing my friends, they can go ahead and do it already.

Everybody wants to be liked, everybody wants to be believed. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be liked. But I’m done waiting for people to believe me or like me. I’m done waiting for people to wake up and take a look in the mirror. To explain and to deign themselves to listen. I believe in my friends. I believe my eyes, and I believe in my own convictions. That’s enough for me.

I believe people can change. I hope they do. But I hope they do away from vulnerable people who they can hurt carelessly.

I’m not blocking you. Clean up your own mess.

[hotdaemondtargaryen]

PHIA SABAN PHOTOGRAPHED IN NEW YORK BY JULIA SARIY FOR ROSE & IVY MAGAZINE.

HOW HAS THE ANTICIPATION BEEN LEADING UP TO THE RELEASE OF SEASON TWO?

"It's funny because in order to make the show with any integrity, you cannot think about the scale of it at all. It has to be about the moment you're trying to make special and doing justice to the reality of the reality. I mean, it’s a show about dragons (laughs). I hope people will find it's a family drama and the dynamics are very human."

"You almost can't focus on what a big thing it is, but there's nothing like doing a press tour and going to New York, Paris, and London. You realize it is bigger than the soundstage in Watford (laughs). I guess the answer to your question is trying not to anticipate anything."

"That’s the other thing, it's fantastic when things are amazingly received especially since it has such a built-in fan base. People love it almost before it even exists, which is fantastic. It's been very warm and lovely how everybody has received us."

HAS THE EXCITEMENT AROUND THE PROJECT SUNK IN YET?

"When I watched the first episode, 90% of me thought, this is really cool—cool because I was watching my friends on TV. But 10% of me thought that's the way I've done it; it’s permanent and that represents me now and that’s quite hard. It's easy to feel a bit existential about it, especially when you've started with theater and went to drama school."

"There's something amazingly ephemeral about theater and the fact that it doesn't exist anymore once it's happened."

"When you have something with a big budget and loads of people working on it who really believe in it, everyone is so engaged in how to serve the story best, but it's not the same as theater. When you wrap that's the scene."

"It doesn’t have anything to do with me anymore, and it's going to be made into something else."

"During a play, the only people who shared the moment was me and everyone else in the room, and then it goes out into the ether. I am on the journey of finding that on the screen because it's not the same."

ABSOLUTELY, IT’S A LITTLE BIGGER OF AN AUDIENCE—IT’S INSIDE PEOPLE’S HOME, BUT TIMES MILLIONS AND MILLIONS!

"Exactly—that's a nice way of thinking of it, that it is still being shared. With a show that comes out with one episode a week, there's something communal about that. It can be a talking point at the pub or work, which I really like. When Succession came out weekly, I was like, I'm so glad I'm alive to watch this week by week (laughs)."

YOU MENTIONED YOU GRADUATED FROM DRAMA SCHOOL, AND THIS WAS ONE OF YOUR FIRST ROLES.

"I did have one part before, The Last Kingdom, a Netflix show, which is about Vikings and Saxons. I was in my third year of school, and it was during that third year Covid came. So we were all sent home and we didn't ever have that closure."

"But also, you're doing an acting degree and you think, the thing I'm in denial about is that this might not even happen for me. Then suddenly theater doesn't exist and you're back in your childhood bedroom. I mean, worse things were going on in the world, but I think that when I got that part in The Last Kingdom, it felt like magic. I couldn't believe it."

"I got to go out to Budapest for eight months. The cast was so warm and welcoming. I got the House of the Dragon job while I was on that job. I had a bit of time to wait in between them, but it was time I could obsess about the scripts that I did have and all my ideas about her."

CAN YOU WALK ME BACK TO WHEN YOU ACTUALLY GOT THE PART?

"It did take a long time before I finally got the part of Helaena. They were using dummy sides from a scene of Arya’s from Game of Thrones. I did it and thought it was a long shot because every actor my age in the world was probably taping for that part. I knew it was good to be seen by the casting director, Kate Rhodes James. I didn't hear anything for a very long seven months."

"In Budapest, there were whispers that some of the actors were getting auditions for it. I didn’t think it was going to come through for me."

"Eventually, I got a notice saying, they didn’t want me for that part, but to audition for the part of Helaena. When I came home for Christmas, I did the tape. It's so rare when you do a tape where you think, that's a bit of me and I really want to do this. Then I was back in Budapest and I got a text that said they wanted to meet on Zoom."

"So I met with the casting director and the two showrunners, and that just went by in a complete blur. After, I felt like an alien a few days (laughs). I kept having to put myself to sleep in order to not feel worried. One day I woke up from one of those naps and I had a text that said, you've got the part."

YOU GET TEXTED THAT INFORMATION–THEY DON'T CALL YOU! AT LEAST A TEXT CAN BE PRINTED AND GO IN THE MUSEUM ARCHIVE. YOU CAN CREATE SOME MEMORABILIA!

"That's true. I think either way it would've gone, it would have been just me blacking out."

CAN YOU SHARE MORE ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER, HELAENA?

"What's interesting for me about Helaena is that she's in this unique situation. She's in the royal family and married to her brother, which she’s done for the family. It is a personal sacrifice."

"She's uncomfortable with what's expected of her. She doesn't like wearing those clothes. She doesn't like standing up there in front of the people and doesn't like being a figurehead or being projected on. She's got her own stuff that makes her feel safe and she wants to be in her own world."

"So we leave her growing up in a level of discomfort. For this season, I would describe it as a reckoning of what she's willing to accept and how far is too far. It's about family dynamics, inherited trauma, and the quest for us to understand each other."

IT MUST BE PRETTY FUN TO FILM THE SHOW ON THAT SET. ARE THERE ANY COOL MOMENTS THAT STAND OUT?

"The sets by set designer Jim Clay are incredible. They have built a castle inside the studios. I can walk into my bedroom, look around my bedroom, walk out, walk downstairs, the grand hall, go into my mother's bedroom, go upstairs, and go to the study."

"In a way, it's like a lazy actor's dream because you just look at something and it's real."

"My favorite moment of this year was when I got my first scenes that are properly in Helaena’s bedroom."

"She has this special interest in her insects and there are cabinets and cabinets filled with the most beautiful bugs and incredible things that had been designed to look like something that she would've sewn."

"She’s written notes all over her desk and dreams all over the wall along with these amazing drawings. I'm trying to think of the perfect way to describe it, but it was as imaginary as if somebody had created a child's imaginary world for them in real life."

WHAT ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF FROM YOUR WORK ON THE SERIES?

"That's a really big question. I'm proud I made a choice about this character and have stayed true to her. I try to make choices that are through the lens of specificity of this person."

"It's not even so much something to be proud of, but it's more like a gift that I'm in this position because you don't always get to play someone so particular. It's really exciting to get to make all of those choices for yourself."

SINCE YOU ARE THE START OF YOUR CAREER, ARE YOU SOMEBODY WHO HAS A VISION BOARD OF WHAT YOU'D LIKE TO ACHIEVE IN THE FUTURE?

"I go to the theater twice a week, so I almost see that as manifesting, just in that I put so much thought and energy into appreciating plays that I like. I'm letting it rub off on me."

"I'm also someone, who every time I watch a film, see a performance, or go and see a play I'm interested in, I log it somewhere. It’s a nice notch on the climbing ladder and helps in developing a strong sense of taste."

GROWING UP, WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT LEFT AN IMPRESSION ON YOU THAT INSPIRED YOU TO PURSUE ACTING?

"I was a kid who watched a lot of TV and films. I was really into Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I also did a huge amount of Shakespeare because nearby there was a small children's company that put on plays in the summer."

"I also had a crush on James Dean in films like East of Eden, but I also wanted to be Buffy."

"When you are in a small school and you're objectively the keenest person in the class, you get to play cool characters, parts that I would never play now in a million years. So I think of it all as influential."

IT’S SO INTERESTING WHEN SOMEONE HAS THAT FIRE FROM A YOUNG AGE AND THEN THEY PURSUE IT TO THE BIG LEAGUES.

"It's also about the positive energy of the people you have around you."

"I have had very supportive parents and teachers, so it didn't seem as much of an obstacle, but that's not the case for everyone."

DO YOU HAVE ANY FUN PLANS FOR THE SUMMER?

"I'm going to the End of the Road festival—I went last year for the first time and it was such a beautiful festival."

"I think I am going to go to Naples but I also hope I'm going to be doing a job."

"As an actor, you want to make these plans, but you also think, I could just stay home and wait by the phone instead and not do anything."

"But it's important to make the plans, but I kind of hope that something gets in the way."