#i am so glad my friend has patience with me damn

[hello-sweetheart]

Fame and Fortune

Do you dream of glory? Crowds of thousands all adoring beneath you. The roaring cheers echoing in the arena. Countless of small white lights held up like beacons creating a sea of waving stars all for you. Breathless exhilaration has your chest heaving, skin glistening and damn. To feel like a god: never ending, eternal.

What would you be willing to do to get it?

What are you willing to sacrifice for fame?

Who are you prepared to lose?

Could the love of millions be worth the love of one?

——

[Backstage: Corroded Coffin Global Tour-Los Angeles, Ca]

Eddie is pacing, more than just pre-show nerves numb his hands. His cigarette burns quickly, ash falling on the carpeted floor, but no amount of nicotine filled lungs will fix this. Gareth, his drummer and long time friend, is watching him pace, eyes pleading.

“Is it worth it, Eddie?

We all got what we wanted; why are we miserable? You can’t lie to me, we all feel it. I see it in everyone, even you! You haven’t been the same since—“ He receives a withering glare from the frontman and sighs, speaking softer.

“I miss mom and my little sister. It’s been so long since I’ve seen them… I’m no longer drawn in her crayon family portraits, did you know that? Does Anne even remember me, anymore?

How can you keep going like this and expect us to do the same? I’m grateful—I really am—for you. You got us where we are now, a fantasy that we never even dreamed would become reality. It was amazing, I’m glad I got to experience it all with you, but I’m tired. I’m so tired guys.

I just want to go home.”

The long drag he takes burns his throat,

“Look, we’re all tired, I get it. Really, I do, this tour has been… particularly grueling I’ll admit, but come on. This is our last show, the big finale! We’ll give them all we got and then we’ll be able to take a break to freshen up before doing what we do best: creating kick ass music.

Like always. You’ll feel better after this, we always do after the last show—“

Gareth cuts him off, his patience clearly stretched thin.

“No, Eddie, listen to me! It’s different this time. I’m happy with the money we’ve made, we all have enough to live comfortably and I’ve been thinking that, you know, it’s time to settle down. I can’t do that if I’m always working. This, the band, it doesn’t… it doesn’t make me happy anymore.”

Jeff stands and his imposing figure makes Eddie pause from wearing a path into the floor.

“He’s not the only one, man. Im sorry, but its killing me. We don’t expect you to give it up either, you can keep the band name, find new members, keep signing… But for us? We can’t keep going, man. This is the end of the line.”

‘Not him too. Fuck. Fuck!’

“No! What am I—I’ve given up too much for this, you can’t just, fucking, bail on me!” This band, playing with his friends, it’s become his entire world. He’s lost too much to get here.

“Woah, woah, hey! No one fucking told you to and you know it. We’ve always had your back no matter what, but anything you chose to do is on you. Not us. The least you could do is extend us the same fucking curtesy and respect the fact that we’re fucking done with this bullshit.”

His gaze is venom as he looks at band, Grant and ‘Freak’ silent but agreeing with the rest. They refuse to meet his gaze.

“Fine. Do whatever you want.” He turns and leaves. They’ll be starting in 15 minutes.

Fucking cowards. Ungrateful bastards.

A memory plays in his head. Brief and intrusive. The voice of someone long gone from his life rings in his mind.

“I’ve missed you, Ed. Are you done at the studio, yet? When are you coming home?”

“Steve, this is important. You know this. I’ll be pulling a few more all nighters here—this album has to be perfect, baby.”

A crackling sigh is barely audible through the phone.

“I know, I know. I’m just being selfish. I’m sorry. Miss waking up to you next to me.”

“Miss you too, baby. You’re my world you know. Love you more than anything.”

“More than music?” It’s a timid question.

“Now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” he’s the only one to laugh into the receiver.

“Right… night, Eddie.”

“Wait, Stev—“ fuck. It was only joke. Whatever, he’ll apologize tomorrow.

Right now, he has music history in the making.

[scp230kinnie]

Hi im so glad I found someone still writes for hunter😭Could you do a hunter x goth reader or if you don’t feel like writing that I will take any hunter content literally😭❤️‍🩹

JSJSHSJS YES OKAY IM GONNA DO HEADCANONS JUST CUZ I DONT FEEL LIKE WRITING A LONG THING

Hunter Sylvester x Goth reader Headcanons

No warnings aside from being cringe and not proofread🙏 mostly gn!

⚠️ I AM NOT A GOTH PERSON so please feel free to let me know if I get anything wrong😭

Have fun reading

At first he really doesn’t like goth music 😭

He says it’s not metal enough for him or something

He learns to accept your music taste, knowing he’s not gonna change anything

He does try to get you to expand your music taste a bit

(By giving you metal recommendations)

IMAGINE GOING OUT IN FULL TRAD GOTH WHILE HE DOES CORPSE PAINT AWW

Lowkey he would to do corpse paint on you, and he would maybe be willing to let you do trad goth on him in return

He’s not a fan of the style himself, but he thinks you look absolutely freaking majestic

You always catch him staring at you or watching you do makeup

He shows you off to all his (3) friends for sure

“This is my amazing gf/bf 💪”

He will learn about the subcultures and stuff just for you

On the days you don’t do full read goth and just do like regular eyeliner or something, he’ll be all goofy like “who the fuck is this chick😦”

Shit bro he will buy you whatever clothes and accessories you want (with his dads card duh)

He will also (try to) help you do your hair

He doesn’t have any “goth” clothes, seeing as he’s a metalhead, but same goes for my last set of Hunter hcs, he will give you his hoodies and maybe his band shirts if you wanted

Painting each others nails🫶

He’s not good at it but damn right he’s gonna try

I just KNOW if you painted his nails he’d fuck it up instantly. Like it’ll still be drying and he’ll already smudge it in like 5 minutes

If you dye your hair, (light haired alternative people know😔) he will probably try to help

He has really low patience with it tho

If you have really thick or long hair he will straight up just give up

Idk how many times I’ve said it but he WILL try to learn your favourite songs on guitar

Back at it with the “serenading” thing but it’s just him flexing his skills

When ur not around he will try on your jewelry just to see how it looks

Will steal your rings if they fit him

Same thing with earrings

I’m like 90% sure he canonically has his ears pierced so if you have nice earrings he will take them and wear them with pride

I am not goth, once again. But I am some kind of alternative, and I know that a lot of these people have like spikes that they put on clothes and stuff

So he would definitely want you to do that with some of his stuff

That’s all I can think of for now 😇 keep them coming guys

[olivianyx]

I didn't knew u were a respawner! That's so cool, I've been on my respawn journey for like 1-2 months, I hope this is okay to ask but how is your respawning routine? Currently I am taking a break but I would love to hear abt your respawning journey so far :>

Heyy! I'm glad I find many people who are into respawning! Actually mine's a long ass story and you might wonder how am I even doing fine to this day 😭

Okay so long story short, let's begin.

Back in 2022, I discovered shifting. After finding out about loa in 2021, I was anticipated to shift realities just to escape this one. I hated being here. I was suffering with depression, bi polar, avpd, anxiety and maladaptive daydreaming, and I was from a toxic household with narcissistic, toxic and strict parents and fake af friends. It was really hard for me to even open up to somebody. It was hard for me to handle (actually I'm tearing up rn while I type this... Especially those traumas are the worst thing I ever experienced)

When I started my research about shifting, I got into amino. I saw the word 'respawn' and I was like tf is this?? I thought it was some gaming shit and then when I researched it on amino, I really wanted to go away from here and be happier than ever. I wanted to be in peace and do whatever I want in my reality. And no one should judge or stop me from getting what I want. I quickly scripted the place I wanna respawn, and other stuffs. I decided that I will get tf outta here.

Well because I had a reason that I'll respawn, I completely ignored my 3D circumstances. Like I stopped taking care of myself, stopped talking to people around me, stopped studying, stopped doing everything. I just was desperately trying to respawn every night telling myself that I will.

When in fact I was wasting my time and energy into lack. I almost didn't study for my finals and wrote the exams and hope that I'd respawn before my results will be declared. I used to keep time crunches to respawn, and when I didn't, I used to get so depressed, that I attempted to take my own life for the first time ever back in may 2022.

My brother accidentally entered my room and saved me from doing that. When I say I've almost attempted to take my own life for like 10+ times that same year, I still didn't give up. My exam results came and I luckily passed my exams.

So after all these I decided to give a break for 3 months completely for my own mental health. Ik my journey for 2 years wasn't smooth, it was full of ups and downs, and it messed my mental health up. I wasn't even using loassumption in a proper manner at that time. Ngl, I was so damn desperate for manifesting even the smallest stuff (I just wanna time travel back in time and slap the shit outta that version of me that I was back then 💀)

So when I got into a medical university in 2023 January, I completely forgot about respawning for a while. And again in October 2023, I logged into Tumblr, and became friends with one of the respawner Julie. She was so sweet, that she even answered every stupid doubts of mine (God give me Julie's patience 🗣️🗣️) she had respawned back in October 2023.

She was the one who told me 'SELF CONCEPT IS THE KEY!' so I started working on my self concept for like 1 and a half-ish months.... Well, I wasn't even perfect with it, but I tried. I did many challenges but the meraskii one had a good effect on my mindset. So last Christmas, I even learnt about the void (I hate implying it as void, I'd rather say it as I AM state) I wanted to enter it so bad.

I just did my affs, persisted in it, and listened to subs, and on Christmas Eve, I got into it successfully.

This year, I find respawning a very relaxing topic. Like I don't even get bothered by it. I know I'm already where I wanna be. And don't worry, my mental health has been good for a few days now. I was thinking of changing my script, so for the past 2 months, I've been scripting my new reality, well still it's only half way done hehe.

By the end of this month, I'm planning on respawning through the void. So till then I just wanna be thankful for everything here and enjoy every moment here without regrets.

Everybody's journey is different. All you have to do is embody your desired state. You just have to be the version of you having your desires. Be the one who already has it. For me, that took 3 years to click. I just had to relax and give myself in. Let go and enjoy the fact that I already have my desires in the 4d.

Ig this helped... any further doubts, you can ask me! Lots of luv 🤍🤍🤍🤍

- olivia 🤍

[thetourturedwritersclub]

Finis vitae sed non amoris-its the end of life but not of love

Chapter Three: November

November 1st 1976

Dear diary,

As mentioned I had a tutoring session with Potter. Today we discussed Felix Felics or differently known as Liquid Luck. It is one of the hardest potions to brew. You need extraordinary levels of patience and skill.

You know Potter isn't as much of an arrogant prick as I thought. Which came as a shocking surprise. Perhaps I was too quick and wrongful on my judgment.

Perhaps my prejudice came because he was one of Sirius's friends and me and Sirius aren't on the best terms. Perhaps I thought because Sirius was one of the most annoying and arrogant people to walk the earth people who could handle him were just like Sirius. But Remus and Potter proved me wrong and I'm glad they did.

Goodbye for now

R. A. B

November 7th 1976

Dear diary,

Barty finally told me he likes Evan. About damn time! You know how long I've been waiting to hear these words?TWO MONTHS! He started his confession like this: "Reg I have something important to tell you." I was reading and I looked up at him because he sounded really nervous and serious. He then continued : " I have a crush on Evan".

I really wanted to say something sarcastic but since this is important to Barty I restrained myself. I asked him for how long. He replied with two months. So my time evaluation was correct. Good to know.

He then asked me "Do you think he feels the same?". To be completely truthful with you I don't know. But that isn't what I told Barty. What I told Barty was: " There might be a possibility but I'm not completely sure. You should just wait and see what happens." Stable advice.

He nodded and then asked: " Are in the mood for an adventure?" I left my book down and said :" Well I really have nothing else to do, so why not?"We got Dorcas, Pandora, Evan and then went to the Black Lake to mess with the giant squid. It was fun!

Goodbye for now

R. A. B

November 13th 1976

Dear diary,

I had another tutoring session with Potter. Shockingly we had fun! He did an amazing impression of Mr. Bins teaching and I almost died laughing. I have never laughed this much on my life! He had everything on point! Even now when I'm writing this I am reminded of the impression and I'm silently laughing.

Goodbye for now because it's late

R. A. B

November 19th 1976

Dear diary,

Lupin has great reading taste. We met at the library today and we just hung out picking books to read. He picked for me the Greek myth of "Orpheus and Eurydice" while I picked while I picked out for him "Anna Keranina" by Dostovyesky.

Goodbye for now,

R. A. B

November 25th 1976

Dear diary,

I have been so busy. We have an upcoming Quidditch match on the 30th and we've been training A LOT. It's Hufflepuf versus Slytherin. Yesterday was Ravenclaw versus Gryffindor and the Lions won so I'm determined to train our team hard so we win. I cannot leave my dignity in the metaphorical battle field.

November 30th 1976

Dear diary,

The match went great because we won again! The Slytherin team won't participate in any matches for a few months. Because the other teams have to compete. I studied with Dorcas today for a Defense against the dark arts quiz. Hopefully it will be easy because so far Defense against the dark arts has been.

Goodbye for now

R. A. B

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So chapter Three is done!!! I was so motivated and inspired by everyone's kind words and I cannot be thankful enough!! Thank you everyone who has is reading my silly little fic!! Thank you for the incredible words!! U have no idea how much they mean! I love you all sm❤️

Now onto the fic itself : This chapter features Black Brothers angst, Rose killer, Starchaser and Compassionate Regulus bc I happened to be a compassionate Regulus believer.

Even tho I do believe Regulus is the type of mom friend who would follow the skittles around with pots and pans I still think he's compassionate and those things can co exist together. I have figured out how I want the fic to end and I have decided that this fic won't be canon compliant but it will be angsty.

Amazing ppl who wanted to be tagged(tell me if want to be tagged or unttaged) :

@raine-ray

@reddamselette

@permetutotheworld

@that-stressed-out-chic

@blurstardust

@ivy-is-chaos

[crownmemes]

Twin Peaks Sentences, Vol. 1

(Sentences from Twin Peaks (1990-1991, 2017). Adjust phrasing where needed)

"Not a word about this to anyone until you hear from me."

"Is this going to happen every damn time?"

"I thought I was your little pick-me-up?"

"I've never seen so many trees in my life!"

"If you ever go up that way, that cherry pie is worth a stop."

"Well, I'll tell you, we're sure glad to have the FBI here."

"Can someone get me a copy of the coroner's report on the dead girl?"

"That guy's a psychiatrist?"

"Are you going to let me in on whatever the hell is going on here?"

"Oh, I'm not your friend."

"Here's how this works: I ask the questions, and you answer the questions that I ask."

"I'll be home this evening, if you need a sympathetic ear."

"This is serious. Much more serious than you know."

"I changed my mind; I'm not sorry."

"I'm sure you understand what you put your mother and I through tonight."

"I'm so thankful to have a daughter like you."

"You know, I think I'm going to be here for some time."

"But of course you've heard me tell that story once or twice, haven't you?"

"You know, this is a damn fine cup of coffee!"

"Who would do a thing like that?"

"I know I should be sad, and I am. Part of me is."

"It's like I'm having the most beautiful dream and the most terrible nightmare all at once."

"Can this be between you and me?"

"Well, before we get started, have you got your story straight?"

"I'm beginning to feel a bit like Doctor Watson."

"I take my coffee black as midnight on a moonless night."

"So, how long have you been seeing her?"

"What's the next step? Do we escalate?"

"Are you talking about business or pleasure?"

"I was hoping we'd have a chance to discuss the events of the last few days."

"Rebellion in a young man of your age is a necessary fact of life."

"The quieter we become, the more we hear."

"I am a tolerant man, but my patience has its limits."

"I just know I'm going to get lost in those woods again tonight."

"It's not the first time, it won't be the last, but I'm in the doghouse again."

"Can I have a cup of coffee, please?"

"Am I going to have to stand here all afternoon?"

"I've got to warn you, he's lacking in some of the social niceties."

"I hear that you're real good at what you do."

"You slipped this note under my door the night before last."

"Let me tell you about the dream I had last night."

"You're the most cold-blooded man I've ever seen!"

"Have you no compassion?"

"I've had just about enough of your insults!"

[valiisthea]

Sighs not my FFVII muses coming back because of Rebirth. I've sort of shelved Roche for now since I am enjoying getting to write with one vs writing him for now but he does still exist if wanted.

I'm gaining a lot of muse for Zack and Tifa on top of already having Reno, Leslie, Biggs, and Wedge.

But also my brain is still in a very bad place and everything changes in me at the drop of a hat so take it with a grain of salt.

It was really nice to be able to write some FF16 again too! Though for some reason, it was much easier to slip into Barnabas than it was Dion who I mained for HOW LONG sheesh.

Grief and anger mentions beneath the snip snip.

I'm stuck in the 'anger' portion of my grief. I have 3 free therapy sessions through my insurance specifically to address grief that I will be going to starting next week. But the anger is really starting to be coming intrusive and concerning. I'm misplacing it too. I can notice all of this AFTER the fact, but I can't seem to stop myself in the heat of the moment. Like, my dogs pissed me off so much last night that I legitimately threw a (very small) vacuum at my door. I also slammed a lot of doors and screamed incredibly loudly into a pillow before storming out of the house and angrily marching around dollar general until I felt okay enough to come home. My anger does not ever get taken out on people or animals, even when they're the reasoning behind it, so I'm really really glad for that. But I am not the 'throwing a vacuum, running out of the house, slamming doors" kind of person and I didn't like any of that at all. But I felt so out of control in the moment.

I do think the anger and lack of patience is from the grief. I think I flutter in and out of the anger stage of grief and sometimes it just gets to be too much and I'm overstimulated and I just sort of...lose it. So I'm glad I'll have the therapy to address that. As soon as I calmed down I was booking appointments so damn fast because it is NOT acceptable behavior.

Aside from that, things have been okay at best. I just want my grandma and she's not here and she will never be here again and it's not fair to her. I struggle with it every day. I know it's only been a month (on sunday) and that it's still fairly fresh, but I didn't expect it to still be eating at me THIS intensely at this point.

I miss my fiance. I want him to come back desperately.

I want to write more, I think it's helping a bit to get some anger and frustration out but my motivation is so lacking, I feel like I cannot start anything without my hand being held.

On a happier note....I started playing pocket frogs again and those lil froggies are so damn cute. If nothing else, I have my froggo babies. And my best friend has been shiny hunting pokemon at night for me to fall asleep to so I don't feel so alone. I super appreciate that so much. AAAAND Stuart has been playing Rebirth a little bit every afternoon too so I can see the game/story since I don't have a ps5 so that's been nice too <3

[thevindicativevordan]

Comics this week?

Action #1071 seems to have been delayed a week simply because Amazon didn’t feel like releasing it. USM #10 too but since that leaked elsewhere I was able to read it.

World’s Finest #32 - Maybe I’m less grumpy this time but I enjoyed this part more than the opening. Glad we didn’t drag out Batman and Superman being mind controlled for longer than an issue. Gutiérrez on art remains the star attraction.

Jenny Sparks #3 - Not only does Atom not blow up, he actually wins a fight! Wish he did that more often as a good guy though... I have to admit the whole bit with Superman and Jenny in Iraq went over my head. It sure seemed like a test for Superman despite what Jenny says. Felt like one he failed imo, he saved the Americans from the Iraqis but he won't save the Iraqis from the Americans. This cuts to the core of my qualms about King. I believe he could be one of the greatest Superman writers ever, he’s willing to put Superman in tough moral quandaries in a way that someone like Waid is too chickenshit to do. If he did a Superman run that tackled something like this, that kicked off with Superman as the cowardly hands-off liberal who doesn’t have the balls to get involved, and transformed him into someone willing to fight against America when it is the aggressor/“villain”, then he would go down as the second best Superman writer after Morrison for me. A Superman run that rebukes both Byrne’s super patriot jingoism and Waid’s comfort character nostalgia, a Superman run that actually has something to say? Folks, that is what Superman desperately needs. My fear however, based on what King has said in interviews, is that not only would he not do that, he would try to justify this pathetic hypocrisy that Superman demonstrates here as somehow admirable or heroic.

Wonder Woman #14 - I am happy that Lizzie will at least be a Diana/Steve clay baby, even if I'm not thrilled at Steve getting killed off like that. For those who asked, yes I do think Lizzie seemingly set to be Diana and Steve’s “biological” (for whatever that’s worth when it comes to magical clay babies brought to life) daughter will cement her existence as a permanent addition to the Wonders. King's stilted dialogue hurts my ability to empathize often, but I did love the scene at the end where Diana prays to her mother to bring her own child to life. For some reason that really connected with me. I'm going to guess that it won't be that easy however, and that Emelie's child will still play a role in Lizzie's creation. Perhaps the child is a stillborn and Hippolyta is able to recycle the child's soul into the clay body? Unless that was merely a red herring. I also think Steve won’t stay dead, I can see Lizzie going on a quest to the Underworld to bring him back.

Ultimate Spider-Man #10 - Are Ben and Jonah brain damaged? Do they really think Kingpin is going to be fooled by them going “Haha it wasn't us, it was Ben Reilly not Ben Parker! Why yes Reilly is my late wife's maiden name but that is merely a coincidence :^)”. For their sake I hope this just some legal maneuvering to avoid getting sued, not that suing is the worst thing Kingpin can do to them... Otherwise I love the Ben/Jonah team-up, I can see future adaptions of Spider-Man taking from this even if they don't take anything else from USM. They were so damn funny this issue, especially with how they kept trying Harry's patience. We badly need an MJ/Gwen focused issue, I want to see those two interact next. MJ doesn't consider Gwen a friend yet and I'd like to see those two grow closer the way Peter and Harry have. Speaking of Harry he continues to get dangerously close to crossing the moral line with how he openly states he was considering killing Ben and Jonah if he had to.

[kiiboslostahoge]

(Not)Ten-tickles

Just a quick TW thing I made. Why? Octatrio brainrot and possession by a certain White-haired character who loves bad jokes!

Word count: 935

Fandom: Twisted Wonderland

"Hey Azul," Floyd's voice pulls Azul's mind away from his(of utmost importance, might he add) paperwork, "How do you make an octopus laugh?"

Azul can't help but scoff. Really? He would've expected Floyd to at least find material with even a tad bit more substance than this pathetic and overused excuse of a joke. Despite his extremely mercurial nature, even Floyd has the patience for one extra second of mindless scrolling through octopus puns.

"You give it ten-tickles, Floyd. Now, if you're going to spend your freetime pestering me with puns, do find better materi- Ah! Flohohoyd! "

"Bzzt! Wrong answer!" Floyd giggles, pressing into his stomach as if it were the underbelly of one of those peculiar stuffed animals that makes a funny sound if you press the stomach with sufficient force, and Azul is quite glad that one of them is finding joy in his suffering, "You only need one, because the octopus is really ticklish!"

Strangely, his face warms up at that, and he can see Floyd giggling even more at his expense. No matter. His priority is to negotiate a way out of this precarious situation. After all, Jade could walk in at any moment.

"Yohou've prohohoved yohour point, n-nohow, cehease thihis chihildihish behavior!" He attempts to sound commanding. Unfortunately, as he's learned all too well these past years with the twins, it is incredibly difficult to sound commanding when you are giggling like a schoolgirl would.

"Yeah, but you didn't let me finish," Before he can comment on how Floyd had paused his talking long enough for Azul to muster up the energy to speak, the damned eel blows a raspberry right into the crook of his neck, and continues through his shrieking, "You see, that's how many you need. But then, you keep going, because tickling the octopus is so fun!"

Azul considers himself to be rather intelligent, and therefore, capable of understanding when to accept his fate. After all, the transformation potion he was currently using severely restricted his muscular strength in exchange for providing him with a slimmer figure, removing the option of overpowering his childhood friend of sorts from the metaphorical table. And from the look of it, Floyd seems to be having far too much fun to be dissuaded from tormenting him by pleas or bargains. His best option is to lay and take it in hopes that Floyd will get bored with his paltry reactions and let him get back to work.

However, shortly into his enactment of this strategy, Jade walks in. Floyd instantly perks up, finally allowing him to breathe.

"Hey Jade! Wanna know how you make an octopus laugh?"

"However you'd like," To the undiscerning eye, it may seem as if Jade is simply indulging his brother. But Azul knows better. Azul can see the glint in his eye.

"My, Azul, why are you glaring at me with such fervor? Has Floyd perhaps done something to offend you? If so, please know accept my sincerest apologies and understand, however, that I am not as childish as my brother."

"Save those paltry excuses for Riddle," He scoffs, "Clearly,  there is some scheme at play."

Silence. Then, he notices.

"Jade?"

"Yes?" He has the nerve to act innocent, "What is it, Housewarden?"

"Why are you clearing my desk of the paperwork I am currently working on?"

"My apologies," Jade smiled, letting his rather well-groomed(Seriously, they were quite literally pearly white. Was Trey perhaps helping him with his dental care? He'd have to look into that) teeth show, "But if that is the case, than I must laud you. I didn't expect to see you learn to control ink so precisely through telepathy just yet. And especially from within the arms of my darling brother, who would never let you hear the end of it if you were to start working despite his desperate attempts to get you to take a break and pay attention to him."

"Jade!" Floyd whines, "You said you wouldn't tell!"

"Hmm? Did I?" He makes a faux-innocent expression, and Azul can finally laugh at it, as it isn't directed at him anymore, "Oh well. At least now Azul will be able to appreciate your kindness and repay it like he always does."

Azul sees where this is going, "And how exactly do I do that?"

Jade smiles, one of those clearly fake ones that only served the purpose of irritating Azul with h I w painfully see-through it was, "Perhaps by, say, granting Floyd's wishes?"

Azul can tell that he does not have a choice in the matter, because Jade has already put all of his paperwork away. Although he's already accepted his fate, he partakes in one last 'act of defiance':

"What would we do with that surplus of freetime? I cannot think of a singl-"

Suddenly,  he is cut off by a rather loud growl from his own stomach. He feels his face growing warmer than it already was as the twins both laugh.

After recovering his bresth, Jade says, "I believe you've found an answer to your own question,  no?"

"Hmph, " He can't be bothered to fight back anymore, "I suppose I have."

And so, Floyd cheers, pulling him by the arms to the lounge for dinner. Thankfully,  there is dressing-free salad available for him to eat without feeling too horrid.

Later, in bed, he falls asleep without experiencing any hunger pangs whatsoever. It's the first time in ages such a thing has happened. And in the morning, he wakes up with a warm, almost fuzzy feeling in his stomach. Strange, but welcome.

Maybe he should take a break more often.

[lutawolf]

Between Us Episode 6 Commentary and Review

For my previous episode commentary can be found here.

If you aren't ready for the pain. Well, you're in good company because me either. Why do you guys do this to me? Why do you always want me to review the most painful shows? I think I'm surrounded not only by brats, but Sadists. I can't even take enjoyment in knowing that you all will suffer with me. No! Because all of you like this sort of shit. I hate it here.

Okay, enough eternal distractions. Let's do this. You ever wonder what it would be like to watch yourself on TV. No? Yeah, me either. Yes, this is absolutely me continuing to try and distract from what's about to happen. Ahhhh, no. Team. Oh, thank god for Win. It's the Hia that brings Win from concern to now angry. Oh, the chin grab is very Dom. It not only allows you to control the motion of the face, but dish out punishment as well. The bite of fingers into the face can be painful, but not necessarily overly harsh. It gets results and is something you can do in public with few recognizing what's going on. I personally am a huge fan of facial control.

I really feel for both of them At this moment. I get where are both coming from. Ah, there's that fist. I'm really glad that he didn't actually hit him, but I can for sure see why he was so pissed. Plus, being scared on top of that, who wouldn't lose control? But a Dom who fully loses control and actually swings on their submissive can go fuck themselves. You don't have what it takes to be a Dom then. The object is to have control, not lose it. It's like the shitty Doms who brag about making their submissive use their safe word. That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works, shitheads.

The moment he is standing there with his fist up and team is just waiting, says so much about him as a sub. The way Win pulls him into a hug and then communicates through his pain. Ugh, my heart. Team finally comes out of his shock and hugs him back. "My heart is torn apart." "What would happen to me if something happened to you?" You guys are destroying me and that kissed did not help. Fuck, but the acting is top tier.

Oh, silence as punishment. Ugh, can't say I blame him, though. I hate using it for discipline, but sometimes it's for the Doms benefit besides being an effective punishment. Use it too often, and it's abusive, but so is saying shit out of anger. Sometimes silence is needed to figure out your own feelings. The first thought you think isn't just instinct, but it can also be about your conditioning and how you are raised. It's your thoughts after that first instinct that are actually you versus upbringing. So yeah, it's only natural that sometimes it takes longer to sort all that out.

Shit guys! We just started and I've written an essay. Sorry new followers. Run for the hills! Okay, not cool Win, you interrupted. He was trying to explain himself, and you really lost an opportunity to learn here. Are you listening, Win. Can you pull out of your anger long enough to hear? You're going to be a shitty Dom if can't. Because that boy is going to need patience and understanding. Oh look, he is. Good. Awe poor baby. All punishment and no kisses, but look at him bringing you to his home and caring for you.

Oh, you shithead. Telling him that you should have let him drown. If he has a full-blown panic attack, I'm not forgiving you!!! You better fucking apologize! Don't, nobody, give me shit. He is past the point in which it is acceptable to make painful verbal strikes. What Team did was wrong, but he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt someone, whereas Win is. He is lucky that Team is so damn forgiving, unlike him. They both love each other so much.

Oh boy, she just said friend. She told you that Win brought a friend with him, and you're just going to jump on the bed. 🤣🤣🤣 Poor Team, he is getting so abused. They were cuddling under those covers, I just know it. Team like, yeah, who am I. I’m dead. Their facial expressions are hilarious. Okay little bro, you really grew on me last episode but this episode, you are sliding home. You are such a little sibling. Not that I did this shit At All. Nope. Never.

Look at him showing off his grades, it's so cute. If not, fucking sad as fuck. You don't show your paper and grades to your siblings unless they are the ones to raise you. Bless it. Fuck, shit, I called it. I knew I did, but that's besides the point! Fucking episode, you could stop killing me any time now. Ohhhh, I love this kid. He is so fucking astute. He knows exactly who Team is to Win, and he just accepts him. Invites him to come too. Don't know Team as well as you thought you did, huh, Win. I did notice that he calls him P' Team.

Okay... The whole calling out Prince's name had me laughing. That shit was funny. That was super cute. Dean and Win's friendship is bro goals. I adore them. If you guys only knew the amount of distractions I have going on around me right now. Oh damn, Win dealing with some flashbacks. Oh damn, the fear of losing something you love. Oh damn, the insecurities. Tell him Dean!!! I mean, Win you are relatable in your stupidity, but damn. You think you wouldn't feel it if something happened to Dean or your family? And he left. You are going to be real lucky if Team isn't petty.

Okay now they are cringy. Is he really dancing around, why spraying that on himself? WTF. Okay Steve!!! Look at you finally not being a third wheel. Win picked you for support? Are we about to see some redeeming qualities? Oh, thank god, his brother came. We might actually get some decent advice. Sorry, Steve, I mean T. rex. You're back to being the third wheel. Look on the bright side, you get to stare at your crush.

Oh, you are a couple, dumbass. Don't go getting twisted just because your panties are. Look, Steve isn't so bad. At least he gives good caring facial expressions. Poor Win, though, he's so fucking relatable. Okay, I need one of you guys to pull some good advice out your ass. I know he is having a moment, but to not pick up when your sub calls is just not done. I like Dean and Pharm and all, but I'm going to forward because I comment a lot about them in my UWMA reviews.

Just the two of us. Look, no offense, but I don't blame him for ditching you guys. My homework assignment for the two of you is to find some friends and learn to give advice. And I mean friends where you aren't the third wheel to, Steve. filler, filler, and more filler. They pretty though. I'll give them that.

Oh, damn. I really didn't want to see that. I could have done without so much details. Now I'm a little grateful for the respite of the filler. "Yeah, do it, I like it." That was cute. I also like how they constantly looked at each other. That's one of my favorite things. Okay, so is the snuggling. NO! I'm not crying. Your crying. If anybody actually reads all this, I'm going to be shocked. Anybody else want to punch, Win right now? Like not really because he is still a favorite character, but damn! I'm all up in my feels right now.

The product placement video!!! Loved it!!! Well, hope that those of you who were able to get through this long ass thing enjoy. As a reward, I give you the link to my newest smut scene.

Enjoy 💜💜💜

[cannibal-nightmares]

is this post abysmal or hopeful? I'm not certain. it kinda goes in a circle too. Slight nonsensical ramble.

I saw a comment in r/schizophrenia that gave me some pause (I know, I know, a reddit user..)-- the post was from someone looking for advice from older schizophrenics, and a comment expressed their self-patience in a several-year-long psychosis, predicting, too, that they expected the episode to go on for even longer before they would see the light at the end of their tunnel (as per their previous personal experience). I was too young during my first episode to know, remember, or actualize how long it lasted--I don't know if I had any distinct episodes between then and 2018. In 2018, I don't know when it started or when (if) I got out of it; in 2020-2021, I don't know when that started or ended, either (possibly the middle or end of 2022?). What I can say is--at the very least, although I didn't realize it until much later in the timeline--that 2023 was beautiful. I don't know for how long--possibly just a few months, possibly the whole year--but I sincerely believe I had a moment of normalcy, and I find it interesting.

I know I'm in the midst of it now. I think it started in March or January or even December. I can't get it rewritten in my head that my co-workers are not apart of a big scheme against me (the details of which I am "not allowed" to express here), that my friends (especially new ones) aren't plotting against me, that my new apartment isn't actively hurting me somehow (despite all the genuine good it has granted me), etc, etc, etc, much more. So if you've seen me existing in patterns (or lack thereof) via posts and comments and interactions and DMs and texts, this is why. I'm not sure if you "come back changed" due to the fact that files corrupt in your brain, or if it's the sheer inherent fact that so much time can pass. I "find it interesting" that I had a moment of """normalcy""" in 2023 because.. What is "normal" for something so prolonged? Is it better? How much "better" is "different," especially as you can't even actualize what is ""worse"" rather than it just being *your reality*?

I'm saying all of this now because the post and comments I saw reassured me in.. a sort of confirmation that I'm living Otherwise. The fight against the "Otherwise" is a big portion of the tantalization. It reassured me with the realization that so many of my friends have met and known me while in active psychosis, I just have to wonder if and hope that their perspectives don't change in their awareness as I choose to openly clarify and grant it. It reassured me to think I have been here before and didn't give up. I have learned so much patience within it. Despite everything, I do not (or at least no longer as of a couple years ago) define myself as an anxious person, though I know many people do or have before. I've always defined myself as skeptical in a neutral sense. But the reddit comment(s) made me further understand my own mantra of "its only your perception versus my reality," that while psychosis *does* define my living experience, it doesn't define *me* in the direct sense; I choose to label myself as "psychotic," but my own definition and weight of the word differs from the dictionary and DSMV definition (which is just the epitome of unreality, isn't it? hahahaha)

This is so hard to explain. What im trying to say is I currently feel hopeful, even if that hope is based within the parameters of unreality. I feel hopeful in the thought that I am just experiencing the world with a kaleidoscope to my eye and that I'm just the guy with the rainbow looking glass. Idk. Idk how to conclude this. Idk if any of this makes any damn sense or is anything close to what i want to convey. At this very second, I am content; in all the horror and mishap and confusion, I am glad I have banked so hard in my skepticism to continue to patiently stick around and watch the story unfold. I am grateful that to some of my friends I am just "the guy with the kaleidoscope eye." This is not necessarily a direct apology for my shuffledness, but at the very least an attempt at explanation. I cannot change what the glass distorts, only wait for the colors to shift again. I cherish the lot of you and hope at least you find it as fascinating as I do.

[screechthemighty]

Hello, People Who Read My Resident Evil Fanfics, I'm back!!!! (May be back even more over the next few months, tbh. I don't want to make any promises, but Dracula Daily is hyperfixation-adjacent and getting back into RE4 Remake is up next on my content roster, so who knows?) AO3 link will be in a reblog, but here's the next chapter of catch me floating circles in my fish bowl!

catch me floating circles in my fish bowl - part three:

May 2, 2021:

“Zoe’s fine. She’s shopping at the grocery store like normal, at least.” Carlos showed him a picture on his phone. It took Ethan a second to recognize her. Her hair was all white, and she looked less desperately thin than he remembered. She was buying chips and standing next to a brick wall of a man with a serious case of resting bitch face. He looked familiar, but not quite familiar.

“Joe Baker?” Ethan guessed. “Glad to see she’s still got some family left.” Especially family like Joe Baker. If Chris was right, the guy had punched his way through the site to get to Zoe. He’s probably the only person in this mess more unhinged than I am. And he meant that as a compliment. “Thank you again for this. I know it’s probably paranoid, but with everything going on…”

How was he to know that the BSAA hadn’t gone after her? She could be just as valuable a resource as Ethan.

Speaking of…

“Still nothing from the BSAA?”

“Not that I’ve heard. I feel like that’s not gonna change until you leave. They don’t have a cause to investigate Blue openly and I don’t think they’d suspect Chris of bringing you here, so…” Carlos shrugged. “They’re probably keeping a closer eye on Terra Save. You have physical therapy today?”

Ethan’s mood soured instantly. “No,” he admitted. “I mean, I was supposed to, but I fell last time and they’re worried I fucked up my ankle, so we didn’t do much.” He hoped he didn’t look too petulant. “I know, if I hurt myself it could slow my healing down, I need to be careful…”

“Don’t forget it’s a miracle you’re walking at all,” Carlos pointed out. “You should still be bedridden.”

“Technically, I should be dead, but I get your point. Still, it’s just…”

Frustrating. It was all so damn frustrating. His self-appointed deadline was this month. He didn’t need to run a marathon or anything. He just wanted to walk on his own. Any patience he might’ve had for his body and its shortcomings had gone out the window now that the novelty of being alive had worn off.

“...to be clear, I’m asked this as a concerned friend, not as the guy responsible for you, but…they’ve got you seeing a therapist, right?” Carlos said. “Like…for your brain.”

“Yeah, they have,” Ethan said. “We’re still working on Dulvey. Turns out, almost being murdered under extreme bullshit circumstances is even more traumatic than just almost being murdered. Who would’ve thought?”

Carlos wince-laughed in a way that said he knew exactly what Ethan meant. “At least your guy has probably heard it all by now,” he said. “We didn’t have that when I was going.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I think the chainsaw scissors threw him off.”

“...the fucking what?”

Ethan probably shouldn’t have found that funny, but honestly? It was a little hilarious that he could one-up Carlos in the weirdness department.

Just a little.

.

Mia had been avoiding her therapist.

She knew, objectively, that avoiding her therapist probably looked worse than anything she could have actually said in therapy. She knew that whatever she said would stay in that room, that even her criminal past was safe to talk about. She knew this could be helpful, that it might let her sort out her thought spirals and fears and her increasing discomfort with being around Ethan.

But she couldn’t bring herself to go. Going meant actually admitting to everything–to all these dark thoughts, to all the shit she’d done. The thought of saying it out loud and having another person hear made her physically sick.

But she couldn’t stay away forever, so she finally went, with the intention of appearing as put-together and fine as possible.

She failed within five minutes.

“So, you’re concerned that Ethan is pushing himself too hard,” her therapist said. Doctor Reid was a no-nonsense sort of woman, the kind who cut right to the chase. It probably made her a great therapist, but these days, it mostly made Mia want to kill her.

“Ethan’s…” Mia tried to think of how best to phrase it. “...selfless to a fault. I don’t want him thinking about me right now. He should be focused on himself.”

Dr. Reid nodded and wrote something down. “Am I correct in assuming you’ve had this argument before?”

Mia tried to stay calm. It was difficult when visions of every argument they had since Mia learned she was pregnant started dancing through her mind.

We matter, Ethan! You matter! He’d been so caught up in protecting Rose, even before she was born. She’d known the lengths Ethan had gone to protect her. Known that he would go just as far for Rose, if not further. It was part of the reason she’d been so afraid to tell him what the mold had done to them. If he’d come to the same conclusions they had–that the BSAA had been deliberately negligent to unknown ends–who knew what he might have done?

The sound of pen against paper drew her out of her racing thoughts. Dr. Reid must have taken her silence as an answer. “Have you discussed this with him at all?”

Mia forced her voice to stay flat. “I’ve told him it’s okay to recover at his own pace,” she said. “He knows that we’re safe.”

“Maybe, but there’s more to the conversation than that, I think.” Dr. Reid put her pen down. “Are you frightened of what your husband might do?”

Damn this woman. “Why would I be? He protects us.”

“And he nearly died doing so, twice. That’s difficult to discuss. Objectively, he’s not wrong. Protecting those you care about is noble. But the survivor’s guilt you would’ve felt…” She picked back up her pen. “...and the guilt I’m sure you feel now are still very real. It could be easy for him to forget that.”

Mia felt her jaw go tense. “It’s not about that.”

“What is it about?’

“It’s my fault…”

Damn it. Damn it. Doctor Reid knew about the Connections, of course she did, but that didn’t mean Mia had to bring it up.

Doctor Reid glanced up. “You blame yourself,” she said finally, “because you think your time with the Connections is the reason Ethan ended up the way he did?”

The plan was not to reply, but Doctor Reid just sat there, waiting for an answer. Screw it. If this woman wanted an answer, she’d get her damn answer.

“I don’t think. I know. If I hadn’t been working for the Connections, I never would’ve ended up in Dulvey and he wouldn’t have had to save me. That’s where he got infected. That’s where the Rose got infected.”

“And if the BSAA had been honest, Ethan would’ve been cured, or his condition would have been managed,” Doctor Reid pointed out. “Maybe if they’d been honest, you two would have chosen not to have children. If Mirand had left you alone, or never learned about you, Ethan wouldn’t have had to save you a second time. Yes, your actions were one of the dominoes, but they were also just that. One of the dominoes. Why do you think you should shoulder all the blame?” Doctor Reid paused. “Why do you think Ethan thinks you should shoulder all the blame?”

“I don’t think that. I…”

She didn’t know. And that was really the worst part. So much of her was convinced that he wouldn’t blame her, which was bad in its own way. But the anxiety, the guilt, had her convinced that he would. There was no version of the story where this ended well.

“If I may,” Doctor Reid said. “You worry about Ethan pushing himself too hard and you worry about him getting into danger again. I assume this worry is compounded by the fact that you blame yourself for everything that’s happened, which in turn makes you feel that you’re not worthy of that protection. These are very strong emotions that are going to impact your interactions with Ethan, especially since you’ve had these disagreements before. Do you think I’m wrong?”

“...no.” It was a miracle it hadn’t impacted things already–or, at least, that it hadn’t in such a strong way that Ethan had noticed and started asking questions.

“Have you tried communicating with him about what’s been bothering you? You said Ethan had been keen to talk in the past. Perhaps if you had some mediation…”

“You offer couple’s counseling, too?”

“Actually, I’d find a third party, but we do have those.”

Of course they did. Nothing like a viral outbreak to put a strain on a marriage, right? Mia nearly burst out laughing at the thought, but managed to keep it together. Barely.

“I’ll think about it,” Mia said.

And she would. She just had a feeling she already knew what her answer was going to be.

.

May 5, 2021:

“You’ve got to be absolutely shitting me.”

Credit to everyone in the room: they were really doing their best not to laugh, or were treating it just as seriously as Ethan felt. Because he was taking this seriously. Because it was bullshit.

“Everything I’ve been through,” he said, staring down the cold compress on his arm, “all of that bullshit. And I’m still…” The only thing that kept him from swearing was Rose being in the room, staring him down with a slightly concerned look. “...I’m still allergic to bees?!”

“It would seem so, yes,” Doctor Marshall said calmly. “Do you want to hear something reassuring?”

“There’s something reassuring about this situation?”

“Your body is having a normal reaction to the sting. Not an exaggerated one, and it hasn’t triggered anything else in your healing. That’s a good sign.”

Damn it, he had a point. “I guess,” Ethan grumbled. Then, “Bees?!”

Jill finally broke the no-laughing rule with a barely muffled snort. “Sorry…” Her pale blue eyes were lit up with amusement as she tried not to make eye contact. “...no, it sucks, it really does…”

That probably should’ve pissed him off more, but…okay, yeah, it was funny-not-funny now that someone was laughing. Ethan deflated a bit, a bemused sigh escaping past his lips. “Just please don’t tell my wife,” he said. “She worries about me enough as it is. You’re telling her I’m fine, right?”

“I’m giving Mia medically accurate information,” Doctor Marshall said. “Unless you want to withdraw her as your-”

“No, no, it’s…” Great, that just means that either she’s misreading the information Marshall’s giving her or the results are worse than I realized. He wasn’t sure he liked either option. “It’s fine,” Ethan said. He peeked under the cold compress again. “Does the medically accurate information include that this bee sting isn’t gonna kill me?”

Ethan thought he felt a shift in Jill’s mood after that comment. That feeling was confirmed as she wheeled him out. “Everything okay with you two?” she asked. “I don’t want to be nosy, I just know this kind of thing puts a strain on…everything.”

“It’s…” Ethan sighed. “Complicated. Conflicting support needs, I think.” That was what his therapist had said when Ethan tried to describe the disconnect between how they’d handled Dulvey. Ethan wanted to talk. Mia wanted to forget. Neither was wrong, necessarily, but it did contribute to why they’d been butting heads on and off before the village. They hadn’t started couples therapy yet. Ethan wondered sometimes if they should move that up the list.

I basically died on her. That can’t be good for her mental health.

“That’s always tough,” Jill said. She had that tone, the one that said she and Carlos had been through the same thing. That was so weird to think about. They seemed rock solid, the two of them. Then again, they’d been together for a while, and lived through a lot during that time. Nothing like practice to improve your communication skills. “The give and take of it all. You’ve got to be supportive without giving up your own needs.”

“And hers,” Ethan added, tilting his head towards Rose as she grabbed at his coat collar. That was definitely a complicating factor. “I keep trying to tell myself that all couples have these problems, but…they don’t. You can say it’s the same thing, but it’s not.” Maybe that wasn’t fair, maybe he was playing the trauma Olympics, but he’d kill for regular problems. He’d kill for so many of their problems to not be tied up in dumbass crime syndicates and undead werewolves and potentially world-ending bullshit. If he could swap places with the Ethan who’d lost an arm to a car accident, he’d do it in a heartbeat. Zero hesitation.

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Jill said. “I think that’s why I was never able to make normal friends. Almost everything feels minor compared to…” She gestured vaguely. “...everything.”

Everything was a pretty good summary of things. And that really summed up how shitty things were for the both of them. “How did you two make it through things?” Ethan asked. “I mean, if you’re okay with sharing.”

“Couples’ therapy,” Jill said without hesitation. “It helped with everything. Even the mundane stuff. And we talk to each other, as much as we can. It used to be a monthly thing when we were active duty. There was a lot happening and we wanted to make sure we had the time.”

That made sense, but it didn’t make Ethan feel any better. How were they supposed to do this when Mia still didn’t want to talk? He couldn’t force her. He’d tried, if he was being honest. It had only made things worse.

How much longer could they just let things stew again?

.

May 15, 2021:

Apparently, at least another week and a half.

Maybe the mounting anxiety had been a warning.

She’d known from the second she opened her eyes that today was going to test her. Mia hated to blame Ethan, because it wasn’t entirely him. She’d been slipping towards a shitty day for a long time.

But opening her eyes to see Ethan standing upright didn’t help.

“What are you doing?” Mia yelped.

Ethan nearly fell over. Fortunately, he’d been clinging to a chair to support him; it was the only thing that kept him falling down. “Shit!” he yelped back. Then, quietly, “Shh!”

Mia’s gaze darted guiltily to Rose. Fortunately, she was still fast asleep. “What are you doing?!” Mia hissed once she was sure her baby hadn’t woken up.

“I was cold,” Ethan replied. “I wanted a sweater.”

“I could have gotten one for you.”

“You were finally sleeping, I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“What do you -” Mia took a deep breath. “Please sit down. I will get you a sweater.”

Ethan nearly protested. She could see it in the way that his shoulders went tense and his eyes met hers directly. But just as suddenly, he looked away, his shoulders slumping, as he sat down. Crisis averted, she allowed herself to think as she got up to get him a sweater.

That was stupid of her to think. She knew Ethan better than that. She should’ve known. Ethan only stayed quiet for as long as it took to get him the sweater. But once he was holding it…

“I don’t want to do this again,” he said.

Oh, no. “Do…what…?”

“It’s just…” Ethan sighed and rubbed his eyes. His fingers seemed to linger over the scar tissue across his nose. “Back in Europe, it felt like every little thing was an argument. But we never really got at why we were fighting. I don’t want to keep doing that.” He met her eyes again. “It doesn’t feel like you’ve been sleeping well. I haven’t always, either, and sometimes when I wake up in the night or when Rose wakes up, I can hear you…moving around, talking in your sleep. Like how you did after Dulvey. I can walk short distances and you looked peaceful, so I didn’t want to disturb you. You’re dealing with enough without adding sleep deprivation on top of that. I’m worried about you.”

She’d heard those four words so many times. She was starting to get sick of them. “I get that, I do, but you have…” Mia took a deep breath. “You have to start worrying about yourself. Ethan, you died a few months ago. If you get hurt again, if you’d fallen and hit your head…I have enough to worry about without worrying about you doing something stupid, okay?”

She knew, immediately, how harsh she’d sounded. It was starting to remind her too much of the argument they’d had that day in Europe…the one that had nearly been their last argument. Mia rubbed her eyes, hoping that she wasn’t about to start crying. “Please.”

“Okay, okay. No more walking without someone watching me,” Ethan said soothingly. His one hand reached out to rest on her knee. Even with the sweater sleeve covering it, she could vividly see the scar on his forearm. “Stressed about what, honey?”

About the fact that I almost got you killed. That they have to run tests on our daughter and it’s my fault. That you’ll find out the truth and nothing will be the same ever again. That nothing is the same already.

“Don’t do that,” Mia said out loud instead. “Please. You can’t fix everything, Ethan.”

“I’m not…you can talk to me, Mia. I’ll listen. No problem-solving, promise.”

She wasn’t sure she believed him. And even if she did, she couldn’t make herself say the words. “It’s…this whole situation,” she said finally. Not a lie, but nowhere near the truth. “It’s this whole situation.”

She was dodging. From the way Ethan looked at her, he knew she was dodging. She expected him to call her out on it. He always had before. Instead, he just looked sad. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “Yeah, baby, I know.”

He hugged her carefully. Mia was able to embrace him back, but she hesitated at first, the surge of guilt getting the better of her.

She knew Ethan had felt that, too, but he still didn’t say anything.

.

If his problems had a face, Ethan would have shot them by now.

He guessed Ethan could say his problems had some physical form: his bones, his muscles, the injuries and scar tissue that had hobbled him, the mold that had merged with his cells and turned him into something not quite human. But he couldn’t exactly punch himself in the face. Multiple BOWs had already done that for him, and look where that had gotten him.

He could still be mad at himself, though. Either his body had betrayed him forever and this was just his life now, or he wasn’t trying hard enough. One of those answers was easier to accept than the other one.

Unfortunately, accepting the latter only made the moment that he ended up face-down on the floor in the middle of PT all the more painful.

“FUCK!” Ethan shouted as he flopped onto his back. He wasn’t bleeding, but he’d hit his face pretty hard. “Son of a bitch!”

“Easy…” His therapist helped him carefully sit upright. Tom was usually a pretty chill guy, and usually had the decency to not visibly worry so much when things went wrong. This time he looked worried. “Did you hit the bar on the way down?”

“I didn’t hit the fucking bar. Shit.” Ethan looked around instinctively. He knew Rose wasn’t there, but he couldn’t help double checking. He tried really hard not to swear in front of her. He was just so…

Ethan carefully touched under his nose, checking for blood. There wasn’t anything that he noticed, but he knew what was coming next. “Let me guess, this is the part where we take a break for the day? We’re done?”

The words came out in a snap. Tom didn’t take it personally; the worst part was, Ethan was so pissed, he only felt a little guilty for being a dick about it. He felt even less guilty when he was informed that this was, in fact, it for the day.

At least he could wheel himself around the facility now. It meant he didn’t have an audience for his frustration.

Ethan probably should’ve gone back to his room and lay down. The session had been draining as it was, and he was kind of sore from that landing. But he went down to the ground level and right out the front door. No one tried to stop him, thank God. They probably figured he couldn’t go very far.

He went further than he had before, right out the front door and out into the parking lot, all the way to the far edge. There was just a field out there, and a barbed-wire topped fence. Somewhere on the other side of that was the rest of the world.

A world that he might never get to be a part of again.

Ethan took a deep breath and screamed. It was wordless at first, but quickly devolved into a rapid-fire barrage of every swear word he knew. They could probably hear him inside, but he didn’t care. What were they gonna do? Force him back inside? Revoke his wheelchair privileges? It wasn’t like his day could get any worse.

Eventually his voice gave out. He sat in silence, just him, the midday sun, and the random cars. The sound of approaching boots broke that silence eventually. Ethan didn’t have to glance over his shoulder to guess who it was. There were only three people he knew who wore boots regularly, and one of them was out of the country again. “I can’t go back in there,” he said dully.

“Wasn’t going to make you,” said Jill. “So, how’s a parking lot for a mental breakdown space? I haven’t tried that one yet.”

Points to her, the comment did get a laugh out of him. It wasn’t the sanest sounding laugh, but it was something. “It’s, uhm…” Ethan tried to wipe some of the tears off his face. “...better than a bathroom, I guess. Air quality’s nicer.”

“Yeah, bathrooms are like a bottom three pick.” She sat down in the grass, in his line of sight but off to the left. Her white-blond hair caught the sunlight, contrasting it more sharply against the black hoodie she was wearing. It looked a few sizes too big–one of Carlos’s, maybe. “You want to talk about it?”

He did. Keeping it bottled up was killing him, and maybe Jill would actually understand what was going on here. But for a long time, the words didn’t come. He just stared down at his one remaining hand. It had been working fine lately–grip strength almost back to normal, no more freezing up at random, sensation much better. Why couldn’t everything go that smoothly? Why did this have to be so hard?

Hadn’t they all been through enough?

“...Mia and I’s anniversary is this month,” he said. “Ten years.”

“Ten years? With two disasters in the middle of that? Shit, that’s not bad.” Jill sounded genuinely impressed. “I’m guessing you wanted to get out of here before that?”

“No, not even that. I can handle being here if we really have to.” They were safe here, at least, and safe was all he could really hope for. “I just…I was just hoping I’d be walking more by then. I wanted her to see that I’m okay. And don’t give me the whole oh, you should be dead, who cares if you’re not walking yet speech. I care. I can’t…” He rubbed at his eyes desperately. “It’s not enough. I thought even a few steps would do it, but I can just feel her pulling away and she’s so focused on being worried about me that she’s not thinking about anything else and I can’t…I can’t see her like that. I can’t live through that again.”

He was bracing himself for more questions; what he got instead was a slightly bitter, huffing laugh. A sound of recognition. “Fuck, yeah. Been there.”

Ethan lifted his head. “Seriously?”

“Chris didn’t tell you? I was MIA presumed dead for three years.”

Chris had definitely not mentioned that. “Chris doesn’t really talk much about his BSAA days. Was this before you left?”

“Yeah. One of my last missions with the old crew, actually. It’s a long story, but Carlos was…” She sighed. “...he kept it together for me. And I appreciated that, I really did, but I knew it wasn’t going to last forever. It was just a matter of when.” She started rubbing her sternum as she spoke. Ethan saw her do that sometimes. “Worst part was, I knew that. I just had no way of knowing what would finally do it. It was just the one time, thank God. We were able to talk about it after that.”

“So what you’re saying is that she might have to break more before we can fix it?”

“No.” Jill hesitated. “I mean, that’s not wrong, but that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that what you’re going through isn’t abnormal. I don’t know if I can fix what’s going on with Mia, and I don’t think you can, either. She has to figure that out for herself, like Carlos did. But you know what kept me sane when everything went to shit?” She made direct eye contact with him then. She had such an intense gaze, her pale blue eyes seeming to stare right through Ethan’s skull. “You’ve gotta lower your expectations, man. I know that you want everything back to normal, trust me, I get that, but that went out the window three years ago. I’ve lived it twice. It sucks, every time, but if you try to force it, you’re just going to hurt yourself worse. Physically and mentally.”

Ethan forced his gaze away from her. It was stupid, all things considered, but he didn’t want her to see the tears starting to form in his eyes. “This sucks,” he said finally.

“Yeah, I know. It’s not fair. I wish it were. But you can make it work. It’s possible. And believe me when I say…she’s just happy you’re still here.”

Ethan didn’t doubt that. He just wasn’t always sure it was enough.

Maybe he was wrong about that.

.

“Mrs. Winters?”

Mia’s head snapped back up. Doctor Marshal was staring at her with a worried look. “Sorry,” she said. She rubbed her eyes. “I just missed that last part…were we talking about skin samples?”

“Yes, but they’re optional, and more for Ethan’s benefit. How is he, by the way?”

Mia wasn’t sure how to answer that. The conversation from that morning was still dancing through her head. The wounded look on Ethan’s face was burned into her eyelids. “He’s…still a little stir-crazy,” she admitted. “Nothing we can’t handle, I don’t think.”

“That’s understandable. How about you? How are you doing?”

Mia wasn’t sure how to answer that. She wasn’t sure she could lie, not when she had zoned out in the middle of the conversation. There was so much going on, so many things she didn’t have a handle on. “...can I ask you something personal?” Mia said finally.

“Go ahead.”

“How did you get past your old job? How do you…ever make up for something like that? After everything that happened…” Doctor Marshal’s face changed quickly, growing more closed-off than she’d ever seen the doctor. Damn it. “...I mean, I don’t know how much you were involved…”

“Bioweapons development and research,” Marshal said. “So, yes, I was involved. Not directly in Racoon City, I was never assigned there, but…only a few degrees of separation between my department and theirs. I’m sure members of the Nemesis team used my research.”

Oh. They had more in common than she’d realized. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Don’t be. It’s a valid question.” Marshal sighed heavily. “Honestly, it took a lot of time. Joining Blue Umbrella helped. Actions feel more like atonement than words. But I had to accept at some point that I could be as sorry as I wanted, but I couldn’t change the past. Even trying to act like the past didn’t happen kept me stuck there. I wasted so much time trying to figure out how to dance around it that I may as well have been stuck in my room, blaming myself. I had to face it, admit it, figure out what I could do instead now, and move on. I still feel guilty now, but I’m not drowning in it anymore. It’s just a feeling. Usually a productive one.”

The difference between guilt and shame. Her therapist had brought it up. Mia was really starting to hate how much the woman was right about things.

“Not everyone is going to forgive us,” Marshall added. “That’s within their rights. That shouldn’t stop us from trying.”

“...yeah.”

They dropped the subject after that, but it stayed with her. It took up so much of her mental space that she almost forgot…

“You’re doing really good,” Carlos said suddenly.

…she’d had an extra set of ears in the hallway the whole time, looking after Rose.

“What?”

“At…all of this. Considering.” Carlos cleared his throat awkwardly. “Just in case no one’s told you that.”

Carlos was an easy man to read. He reminded her of Ethan that way. She could tell he meant it. That didn’t do enough to ease the sudden dread in her chest. “How much did you…?”

“Nothing I won’t have forgotten by the end of the day,” Carlos said. “I’m great at keeping secrets. I can’t retain shit.”

That sounded sincere, too, and just self-mocking enough to get her guard back down. “That’s…”

Goot to know was what she wanted to say. It got stuck in her throat. She was barely able to hold back the alternative response.

I’m scared.

But Carlos seemed to understand anyway. He reached out carefully, only resting his hand on her shoulder when she didn’t move away. He had a reassuring grip, what she’d imagine a touch from a cool older brother or a non-shitty father would feel like. “Is there anything I can help with?” he asked.

“...no,” Mia whispered. The dread was back, joined by a heavier sense of resignation. “No. I have to do this myself.”

Deep down, she’d known it was inevitable. In fact, it was long past overdue. No matter what the outcome…

She owed Ethan the truth.

She wouldn’t be able to fix this until she’d told him.

[leovenuslatina]

Omg heyyyy thank you sooooo much for the reading!!!! I sincerely appreciate it and am in love with it!! Like I’m really about to send you a tracking number for the package I just sent you with your “world’s best reader” crown in it because lady, you are TAKINGGG ITTT!!! I really want a man that DESIRES me and is obsessed with me and these messages did a really good job at encapsulating that! And I’m currently in the beginning stages of getting over a crush on this guy from work and I’m just feeling really sad about it but we move! So it was nice to see some stuff about my future spouse and know that love IS in my future and there is someone out there for me and I won’t have to spend the rest of my life dealing with unreciprocated crushes😭 this was all so really well written like I’m sure if we knew each other in real life we’d be best friends because you phrase things exactly the way I wanna hear them!! I’m so happy to hear that the 18+ thoughts will be in FULL swing because I’m sure it’ll be the same way for me😭 like you’ve really got me so excited to meet this guy and you’re making me feel motivated to get my life together in preparation of meeting him like I will BE in that gym next week TRUST🤞 and I’m glad you liked the question! I was reading the ones other people sent in and just kept thinking “damn why didn’t I think of that😭💔” so I’m glad to hear you liked it and would love to see it as a pac too :) I like that you’re putting in 100% for every submission you get, not a lot of readers do that! anyways thank you so much for the time and energy you invested my reading and thank you again so much for letting me participate in your game :) it’s no surprise a woman as talented as you reached 1k and I’m sure we’ll be here to see 2k, 3k, 4k etc in your near future as well :) have a nice rest of your day !! <333

LITERALLY HOW THIS feedback HAS ME !!!

i’m so so happy you liked it and of course love exists for you because YOU EXIST and you’re literally made of love 💗💗💗💗 thank you so so much for your beautiful feedback and thank you for your patience 😬 i know i dragged like ILYSM!!!!!! <<<<3333

[madlymine]

Episode 6 - Recap

♠ MAIN CHARACTERS: Aono the ghost (ML) Yuri the airhead (FL) Fuju the victim (ML's best friend) Mio the horror-enthusiast (FL's potential best friend)

♠ EP6: Yuri and Fuju meet at Mio's house to discuss possession theories. *points at the picture below* Mio thinks that the ghost left Yuri's body because of impurity the 1st & 2nd time. 3rd is related to impurity because of Yuri's nosebleed during that disgusting kiss. But the trigger for the 4th possession of Fuju's body is a mystery to them.

~back to teen-fiction~ [Aono & Yuri in her bedroom] In order to lie about the reason for the meeting, Yuri tells Aono that they talked about ghosts in general and the theory of ghosts flying if they strip... Of course, our leading lady and her puuure thoughts. Never disappoints.

A: "should we test to see if I can take my clothes off?"

*Aono starts unbuttoning his shirt, while Yuri staaaares*

A: "you'll keep watching? it's embarrassing." Y: "you're right. I'll face the wall so take it off please. A: "eeeeh"

Anyways, she turns her head away and he continues with the shirt. This must be the most unanticipated moment in my entire life... sorry kid.

A: "isn't it unfair for only me to strip? won't you strip too?"

LOL! damn. teen hormones over the top. God grant me patience.

*Yuri pretends to be shocked but internally giddy*

A: "to keep it fair." Y: "are you embarrassed to strip alone?"

HAHAHAHA what is this conversation! I need air.

A: "I am." Y: "it wouldn't if I did it too?" A: "YEsh." (he didn't show enthusiasm but he is definitely excited..)

&nd the undressing begins. at least they are not facing each other so that's something.

A: "can I turn around?"

Well, we all know that he can't undress and he used this method to see her naked :p BOOO~ He sulks afterwards because Yuri refuses to continue undressing.

A: "I can't look? one more layer? I'm getting nowhere here..."

The girl feels bad for him and gives him a back-hug and tells him to put his hands on hers. Then she moves her hands on his body and he follows (while imagining that she is touching him)... alright, kids, lets move on before I go to hell for this. The manga must be much worse.

[NEXT scen-o] Back to the Blue Cheer squad, where Yuri invites her friends to spend a day out with her and her ghost. Fuju and Mio both opt-out.

Fuju: "let it be a date. it will be more fun with you 2 alone, right? you can go to a hotel afterwards." *Mio and Yuri shocked* Fuju: "I'm kidding."

Love him. honestly, the whole thing is ridiculous and he knows it lol

Y: "we can unexpectedly do lewd things..." F: "how? you can't touch him." Y: "creative ingenuity..." F: "do you masturbate while he gives you directions?"

Another shock for the girls. Fuju go easy on them. Mio changes the subject by bringing snacks and the gathering ends shortly after.

[Aquarium date] near the end, Aono tells Yuri that his little brother got lost in this aquarium. but he is glad he made happy memories with her here. she gets upset that he didn't tell her beforehand so they can change the date place. he apologizes and promises to share all his thoughts in the future. she feels bad for sulking. & I want to kill myself but lets move on from this very important happening.

SKIPPING SOME CHEESY LINES for your own good.

[last scene] we get introduced to a new female character talking to Yuri's mother at home asking about Yuri. the mother tells her she is out with friends. the good-looking stranger: "she has friends?"

END.

a year ago

[anemia-rp]

Oh... - Xuan's ever observant eyes didn't fail to catch that slight glimpse of Teru's slightly saddened expression. So that was another thing they had in common, the raven haired thought to himself and felt a slight feeling of compassion for the incubus. - Yeah, I have to agree with you on that one. Found family can sometimes be a hundred times better and more valuable than blood relatives. - Not taking his eyes off the road and gently caressing the side of Teru's face, he continued speaking. - You know, I'm actually an orphan. I never got to meet my dad cause he abandoned my mom before I was even born and my mother was selfish enough to decide she couldn't live in this world anymore without her 'one true love' and committed suicide after my birth, not giving a shit about the soul she brought into this world and abandoned to fend for itself. As for the rest of my biological family... They sucked big time and I hope they rot in the deepest corners of hell, because to them I was nothing but the reason for all of 'their lives misery' and treated me worse than an animal. - Xuan snorts bitterly at the memory - What I am now... Everything I have, I owe it to my step-father, who saved me from that hell and took me into his home, my teacher and friends, so, in other words, to my found family.

-despite his usual lack of patience and the fact that he liked to talk a lot himself he could be a good listener as well, especially when it came to deeper or emotional topics, so he held his mouth shut while listening to Xuan, only whispering a curse every now and then before he finally took a deep breath- You've had it worse than me, seriously. That sounds really fucked up. Damn. I'm so glad you're doing so fine these days after all this shit…you do, huh? -he blinked at Xuan- Treating a child like that leaves its traces after all. -he reached out, unsure if he was allowed to lay his hand onto Xuan's shoulder or thigh in a compassionate way, deciding to not do it; that only showed how much he respected this man since Teru was usually someone who touched and hugged others all the time- As for me, I'm not the child of my father. But my sister is. She always got favored over me. And unlike me she never disappointed my parents. She's got a good job, is married, has a family…while I'm an artist who makes horrible music, into guys and forever a bachelor with tattoos and weird hair. -he chuckled, but it sounded sad- Only my grandpa loved me wholeheartedly. He gifted me my first guitar, and my best friend taught me how to play it!

@phoenix-of-jade

[zepskies]

I feel like I can finally take a breath. 😮‍💨

Ha! But not really, because I've got like, 2 more full one-shots with multiple parts planned in the BMD-verse. (They're pretty much already written though, so we're good lmfao.) 🤣

And yes, trouble in paradise indeed! Things could never be easy with these two.

Living together is never easy to start with while you find your footing with each other however it really feels like Ben is taking the reader for granted.

I don't think he means to, but he literally doesn't know any other way to be just yet loll. It's been taking a lot of patience and nagging and cajoling on her part to get him to see reason on a lot of their domestic issues. 😂

Louisa definitely has valid reasons for believing her sister has Stockholm syndrome 😂 but the reader also makes valid points, she doesn’t know Ben. She hasn’t seen how he’s changed. He really needs to make more effort if this relationship is going to work.

Exactly! I also see both sides of the argument loll. An argument that's going to continue in the rest of Love Actually. 😏

Your Jeff Goldblum gif had me DYING. 🤣🤣 The perfect reaction.

I do agree that a lot of the time, actions speak louder than words and it is clear in some respects that he is showing her with actions (the apartment etc) but damn does he not understand that even if it’s just very occasional, you’ve got to hear the words.

Absolutely! Ben's relying on his actions to do the talking so he doesn't have to actually dig into his man feelings. But if he wants to continue this relationship, he's gonna have to put on his big boy pants and use his big boy words. 😂 He's being stubborn, and she's at the end of her rope.

I’m so glad the reader has Annie. I know they’re perhaps still a little wary but she’s there for her and even though it wasn’t needed I love that she was ready to go and kick his ass if he’d actually hurt the reader.

The reader needs solid friends in her life, and she has that in Yvette and Annie for sure. Annie's nothing if not a protector, and I think she would go above and beyond for her friends.

Yeah I had to include that little tidbit between Ben and Butcher loll. "You kinda saved my life but I don't like it." "Yeah, I'm not too keen on it either, pal." 😅

I get he’s protective of her but he is completely going the wrong way about this? Trying to make out she’s not capable? He needs to carefully think about his next moves right now 😂 he is skating on thin ice.

And about to sink like a MF'ing stone. 🥶 He's coming from a place of protectiveness, concern, and love, but he's not showing it very well. She's not giving him the time of day about it either.

I'm really glad you enjoyed how the tension built throughout the whole mission! I tried to make it gradual but still give those warning signs. Because of course, it wasn't going to go smoothly. 😂

But as soon as she got into that room I just knew sapphire was going to be there. I swear, how does the reader keep getting herself in these situations. She’s literally a magnet for trouble.

Ben's point exactly lmfao. He swears she's wearing a fucking beacon that says, "Here I am, Danger. Come get me, bitch."

The scene where she’s trying to escape had me on the edge of my seat as I honestly wasn’t sure how far you were going to go with it.

Honestly didn't either myself, at first. 🤣🤣 But THIS is hilarious (and possibly accurate):

Honest to god, that man [Ben] must have saved the reader more times than all the other peoples he’s saved put together 😂

LOL I felt for Ben when he's charging through the hall to find whoever fucked up. We all know it's out of anger, worry, protectiveness, even if he's being a bit much right now. To his credit, she really could've died because of that one mistake.

The argument they have in the hall was my second-favorite scene to write in this chapter! I love it when they bicker lmfao. I also love that the "grandpa" line was your favorite. 😂

For me it's this one: “You really wanna fucking get it, don’t you?”

Only because we all damn well know he ain't gonna do shit. 😂😂 He might raise his voice and be an asshole, but he's literally carrying her out in his arms. And she knows he's not going to do shit. As a result, she set phasers to "Sass." Without mercy.

But M.M.'s line pretty much sums it up!! loll

[About Ben wanting her out of the field and remaining in Surveillance]: He’s probably right in some respects but you just know he’s wanting to keep her out the danger.

Yeah, again there are valid points on both sides of the issue. She's human, vulnerable, and while she knows what she's doing, there's inherently more risk for her than there is for Ben. And yes, he's coming from a place of concern and love, but she's also right in that he can't control her. She's going to do what she needs to do, despite the risks.

[On the reader packing a bag]: Damn girl! Yes! It’s drastic but this has been going on for months. She needs to make it clear how she’s feeling and words aren’t getting through to him so use some action. I love how that has kind of been a running theme throughout the whole chapter.

Yes!! On her end, it's words vs. actions. On his end, it's actions vs. words. I literally just noticed that parallel! Thank you, lovely. 😂😘😘

““Because I fucking love you,” he said.” Halle-fucking-lujah!

Hell to the yeah. 😏😏

And it was important to me to get Ben's side of things as well, to explain why he was holding back and not telling her what he obviously feels. Unfortunately, it's also twined with his (valid) fears:

“But one day, I’m still going to fucking lose you,” he said, looking down on you. “Then I’ll be right back where I started.”

Side note: why am I not surprised dr baker has come out on the up 😒

Girl, me either. This bitch don't wanna go down. But it's actually on-brand for the U.S. government (think the German scientists they recruiting during/after WWII to play for the U.S.). But Dr. Baker will appear again in a future one-shot, Strong as Blood... I leave you to imagine in what capacity that might be. 😌🤐

Those following lines of Ben finally being completely, 100% honest about how he feels was so cathartic for me to write lol. Like fucking finally, right? 🤣

Aaaaand, then it immediately gets complicated again. Ben's much too excited about her lack of birth control.

Again I can just see his smirk, looking like a kid at Christmas. Of course this is what he wants despite only just admitting his feelings. I’m so glad the reader is a voice of reason but then of course he’s so damn sexy she just forgets herself. “And finally, with a broad, Cheshire-like grin.” Oh damn that man 😂🙈

Damn him to pieces. 🤣🤣 He really did finesse her without meaning to. (I think we can all forgive her.) LMFAO "super sperm" took me TF out. But don't worry, I'm coming back to this convo in future one-shots. "Soon, not someday." 😜

Ben can complain all he wants about having a 3-bedroom luxury apartment in the most affluent city in NY, but he knows he's where he's supposed to be. 😂 He feels at home because he has a home with the one he loves.

“You try the ever-living fuck out of my patience,” he said, “unlike anyone on the planet.”” Had me giggling so much.

Another one of my favorite lines to write for this chapter! loll It really seems to be the crux of their relationship (or at least, how it started), and yet, it's so much more than that. In fact, you said it perfectly here:

Despite the arguing they’re both so good for each other. They both have had fucked childhoods and lives and they need the other. They need someone who isn’t going to give up on them easily.

💯💯💯

They both have troubled pasts and emotional scars. And their relationship is healing to each other. 🥹

And as for this:

I’ve enjoyed the journey you’ve took these two on and I honestly can’t wait for the next parts you have coming up and honestly, kinda hope you choose to write more as I’m not ready to say goodbye to them.

Thank you so much!! 💓💓

I'm honestly not ready to say goodbye to them either. To me, this is just and ending "chapter" of their story.

There's more to be said and explored with them, and that's why I'm looking forward to what you guys think of the rest of Love Actually and Strong as Blood, when it comes out afterwards.

I think that'll put more of a pin on their story. But even then, I think I'll always be open to give more snapshots into their lives together, as long as people still want to read about them. (I even have a couple of BMD-verse requests in my inbox that I can dive into later.)

All that to say, thank you infinitely much, my friend!! Your feedback/encouragements are amazing and special to me! I can't wait to bring Part 2 of LA next week!! 💞💞

Soon, not someday. 😘

(And fair warning, Ben's gonna be a bit grumpy on the outset. lol)

Break Me Down - The Epilogue

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x Female Reader

Summary: You’re a private investigator by trade, but now you happily sit at a desk — leading a surveillance team at Supe Affairs. After managing to end Homelander in New York, Soldier Boy escapes custody. You are recruited for the manhunt, joining Butcher’s team.

Truly, you joined the S.A. for the right reasons. But after you become his accidental hostage, Soldier Boy will break down every single one of them…

AN: This chapter is set about a month before "Love Actually." So...are you ready?

Song Inspo: For this last chapter, it’s “The Book of Love” by Peter Gabriel. (It’s just lovely. I listened to it while writing the second half of the epilogue!)

Word Count: 7,800 Tags/Warnings: 18+ only! Violence and peril, angst, familiar bickering, smutty smut, bit of breeding kink, tender fluff, hurt/comfort, and an ending…

Epilogue: All My Living Time

“I’m not fucking around,” he said. “I want you to live with me.” 

Your smile was soft and bright when you took his hand. Ben wouldn’t admit it, but something in his chest stuttered to life then.

“Okay,” you said with a nod. “Let’s do it.”

Six months later…

You were frustrated with your roommate.

And yes, you used the word roommate, because he hadn’t seen fit to give it any other label.

You stewed in your irritation as you also stirred the beginnings of chicken tortilla soup. It was early in the morning before work, and Yvette had been teaching you how to master the crockpot. Hopefully, by the time you and Ben got home tonight, it would be ready and waiting for dinner.

Six months. You had to nag him about cabinets left open, dirty boots left right in front of the door to your shared apartment, and hell, actually going to his therapy sessions.

While that last one had taken months of convincing and cajoling, he’d caved when you suggested that acknowledging and dealing with what happened to him in Russia might help him control the nuclear power inside him. And maybe, just maybe, they wouldn’t have to patch another hole in the ceiling.

Mind you, he wouldn’t actually talk to said therapist about anything related to his PTSD. But at least he was going. And the therapist was apparently getting an earful of Ben’s celebrity encounters, with all the explicit, gushy details.

However, even with all of this, it also sometimes felt like you were an in-house maid rather than a partner.

The latest reason for your frustration returned to you when Ben strolled into the kitchen in search of coffee. He wasn’t yet dressed for work in his supe suit; instead, still in the plain shirt and sweatpants he’d slept in.

He glanced at you, and seeming to sense your mood, he kept to himself as he found his usual mug and poured a cup of steaming French press in silence.

You took in a breath, trying to calm yourself. Maybe he’d had time to sleep on it. You closed the crockpot and went over to him. Your hand on his arm made him pause.

“Hey,” you said, “have you thought about what I asked you last night?”

Ben’s expression remained flat. “I think I already said my piece on that.”

You sighed.

“Why is dinner with my family such a hard thing for you?” you asked. Your brows furrowed. “My sister’s starting to warm up to you! And Mom just wants to get to know you. What’s the problem?”

Ben scoffed. “Your sister fucking hates me.”

You bit your lip. He wasn’t totally wrong, but in fairness, Louisa wasn’t happy to learn about why you’d nearly died in the hospital, when Vought Tower collapsed.

She thought you needed therapy for an egregious case of Stockholm Syndrome. But the more Ben worked with Supe Affairs, helping to clear the streets of out-of-control supes and cleaning up the remains of Vought, you were slowly getting Louisa to come around.

“She just needs time to get to know you too,” you said.

Ben wasn’t having it though. He rolled his eyes and tried to walk away from you with his coffee and a newspaper—aiming to get to his favorite lounge chair in the living room. It was the way he always started his morning, like the old man he was.

You followed him.

“Come on, one dinner won’t kill you,” you said. “And by the way, neither would moving your dirty-ass boots out of the doorway.”

You went over to grab said boots, and in your annoyance, you all but tossed them into the hall. Ben frowned at you, throwing down the newspaper onto the coffee table.

“Why’re you nagging me like a goddamn wife?” he snapped.

“Wife?” you scoffed, crossing your arms. “You don’t even call me your girlfriend.”

But God forbid another man even smile in your direction. Ben was possessive, protective, and claimed with all but words that you were his. And yet, he wouldn’t say it.

You shouldn’t have been surprised that he was afraid of commitment, but you’d been living together for six damn months. Almost seven, if you counted the safe house.

When you found this nice, but cozy apartment in Scarsdale, you’d sat him down at the breakfast bar in the kitchen, like the two of you used to in that house in Medellin.

And you established the ground rules before you two officially moved in together: 

First, an exclusive relationship meant exclusive. Meaning no fucking around. (He’d raised a brow at you.)

Second, you were his partner, not his slave. You expected him to carry his hefty weight, not only in the relationship, but around the house. (He’d most definitely rolled his eyes at that.)

And finally, don’t be an asshole, you’d decreed. “Be honest when you’re not feeling right about something. But don’t be a dick about it.” 

That cut both ways, of course, just like the other two rules. He’d agreed to all of these, albeit begrudgingly. You hadn’t really known then if he meant it.

And now, looking at him, you still had no idea if he was trying, or if he was just tired of being alone…and if you were just a convenient bedwarmer. You bit your lip once again, this time with a growing fear blooming anxiety in your chest.

“Do you even love me?” you asked.

Ben blinked down at you, and his lips pulled into a deep frown.

“Stop fucking around,” he said.

“I’m serious,” you insisted. Your crossed arms tightened, as if to protect yourself from what he might say. “You’ve never said it once.”

“And the fact that I agreed to live in this mediocre fucking apartment doesn’t mean anything?” he said, gesturing around him with a hand. “I take you out, I buy you shit. Matter of fact, I fucking spoil you.”

“And you take off whenever you feel like it, especially after missions,” you shot back. “Sometimes I don’t know where the hell you’ve gone for hours. For all I know, you’re out there doing blow with a caravan of strippers!”

While that did sound like a damn good time, that hadn’t been Ben’s M.O. in recent months. And in his mind, you should’ve known better.

“I haven’t fucked anyone but you since we moved in here,” he snapped.

Even longer than that, if he was honest. 

Meanwhile, you wanted to trust his words, desperately, but you just didn’t know if you could. 

“Even if I believe you, what’s the problem here?” you asked. Your gaze fell from his as you worried your bottom lip. “Am I doing something wrong?”

You didn’t see the way Ben’s brows knitted together, his eyes softening a bit.

“Other than annoying the hell out of me right now, no,” he replied. 

“Okay,” you nodded with a sigh. You looked up at him again. “Then just tell me the truth. What are we doing here?” 

“What the fuck do you mean?” Ben’s hands went to his waist, and once again, he frowned in irritation. “I’m here. What more do you want from me?” 

“Do you love me?” you asked. “And don’t lie to me.” 

He knew very well that you would be able to detect if he was lying. Which was why, you suspected, he hadn’t tried to. 

He couldn’t seem to answer you though…and that broke your heart.

Shaking your head, you walked away from him to get ready for work.

Your attitude at work was snappish at best. Annie had pulled you from the Surveillance department on your lunch break to join her and your friends in the breakroom, but you couldn’t enjoy yourself like you usually would.

“Smooth and creamy, all the motherfuckin’ way,” M.M. said. Sitting across from him in the breakroom was Frenchie, pelting him with a roasted peanut.

“This is why you are an unsophisticated, bourgeois, fucking fuddy-duddy,” Frenchie remarked. He was also vaping, as Annie was trying to get him to stop smoking indoors. “Extra crunchy peanut butter is the only way to do business.”

“What’s the point? Just eat peanuts if you want it that crunchy,” M.M. countered. He blocked each roasted nut thrown at him and organized them in a perfect pile on the table.

“You know what? You’re right. Smooth and creamy is how I’ll eat out your mother’s sweet and savory vajine,” Frenchie teased.

M.M.’s deadpan face was priceless. But when a peanut projectile strayed and hit you in the cheek, you leveled Frenchie with a glare.

“Can you guys not act like children for five goddamn minutes?” you snapped.

His brows raised, along with his hands in surrender. M.M. and Annie looked at you in mild surprise, and the latter with concern after the guys eventually left.

“What’s going on with you? You’ve looked tense as hell all day,” she asked. You sighed, holding a hand to your brow.

“I know. I’m sorry,” you replied. She gave you a knowing look.

“Is…something going on?” she asked. “Is it Ben?”

Most of the S.A. was still wary of Ben, while M.M. tolerated him at best. (You understood how hard he was trying.)

You appreciated Annie though. She was a good friend, and along with Hughie, she’d been another who started to come around to the idea of Ben. Not only as he occasionally worked with the S.A., but to the man himself, after she’d seen the way he did his best to save you, Yvette, and her son Devon.

You nodded at her question. You couldn’t help the tears burgeoning in your eyes. Annie scooched her chair over so she could rub your back in comfort. You sniffed and tried not to break down here in the middle of the breakroom, over your sad ham sandwich.

“We had a fight,” you admitted. Annie’s gaze was tight with concern.

“Did he…hurt you?” she asked. Her brown eyes were as direct as her words, promising her protection as well as retribution, depending on how you answered.

Your glassy eyes widened. “No. He’s not like that, he…believe it or not, but he’s never hurt me, Annie. Not once.”

After a moment, she nodded. “Okay, good. Well, tell me what happened.”

You wanted to. But before you could, both of you got an incoming text in the team group chat. It was from Grace Mallory.

She had a new mission.

Grace asked you to join the team on your first field mission since you’d returned to work three months ago. She also called in Ben, as in her words, it was another “all hands on fucking deck” situation.

Ben and Butcher eyed one another with similar stoic frowns, before they proceeded to ignore each other. Despite how you felt about Ben right now, the brief exchange almost made you smirk.

Apparently the whole I saved you with my super blood thing was awkward for both of them. You knew Ben had seen it as a means to an end. You still didn’t know how Butcher felt about it, but it seemed as if a begrudging respect had formed between the two men.

Or at least, they were civil, anyway.

“All right,” Grace said, once she saw that everyone was in attendance. “Let’s begin.”

A supe named Sapphire had been giving the CIA trouble for years now. She was moving drugs from South America to the States, to the Middle East, whoever would deal with her. And she was smart. She had a network of spies that transcended continents, and so she had evaded every attempt at arrest.

She was also a powerful supe, with the ability to channel vaporizing energy not unlike Crimson Countess had. However, this supe could spear blue shards of light through her enemies as well.  With her damn eyes.

Grace turned to you after she finished explaining the details of the mission.

“Sapphire’s internal security is advanced. Our system can’t penetrate her firewalls. You’ll need to get a hand on the mainframe from there, shut down her system. Then our Surveillance team can back you up here.”

You nodded, but in the corner of your eye, you noticed Ben frowning as he crossed his arms.

“What?” you asked.

“You’re out of practice,” he told you. “You really think you’re ready for this?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? I train every day,” you snapped back.

Ben’s expression fell into irritation. “Not the same, and you fucking know it.”

Butcher, Annie, and the others watched the exchange with mixed wariness and discomfort. Grace looked between you and Ben with curious, narrowed eyes.

“Is this going to be a problem, you two working together on this?” she asked.

You turned from Ben’s annoyed face and met Grace’s gaze directly.

“Not at all,” you said.

Sapphire had been spotted doing business in the Meat Packing District. By day, the building was a beef butchering factory. By night, it was apparently one of the most massive drug running operations in the city.

As such, her security team was extensive—at the front, the back, and the roof. So while Butcher, Kimiko, and Ben broke through the front, making a lot of noise and distraction, the rest of you went under.

Unfortunately, that meant the sewer. Annie lit the way through, while M.M. followed a set of schematics to find the right spot.

“It’s not my first time in the bowels of New York City, but please God, let it be the last,” Hughie quipped. You tried not to breathe the foul smell through your nose.

“Watch the fucking rat,” M.M. said with a grimace, before he set up the double-sided ladder he brought. He and Frenchie climbed either side of it up to the metal ceiling which, according to the building’s schematics, led directly beneath the factory basement.

They took up welding guns and masks to carve a large hole into the metal and cement above. And soon enough, they pushed up and slid over a large portion, creating a gap you could all crawl through. 

M.M. helped Annie up first, and she shot a few star bolts at the three men inside, who had been smoking and eating deli sandwiches. Each of them went down, alive, but groaning in pain. That allowed the rest of you to climb up and into the basement.

“We’re in,” M.M. said into the Bluetooth communicator in his ear.

“We’re cutting through her goon squad,” Butcher said. “Sapphire’s here somewhere. I can smell a massive cunt already.”

“Gross. Thanks for that visual,” Annie remarked.

From there, you all took off toward the stairwell. It was your task to find the operation’s security control room. So Hughie and Frenchie went with you as backup, while M.M. and Annie went to join the fight and find Sapphire.

It took you a few tries to find the right room. Most of them were offices. One contained wagons of discarded meat parts (disgusting). But eventually, you found a large room filled with computer equipment and a huge wall monitor with several panels of camera feeds. You and Frenchie raised your guns and took out the team inside.

Then you and Hughie went to the controls. Frenchie watched the door while you worked to disable the firewall first. You instructed Hughie on how to knock out their communications as well. And within a few minutes, your work was done. You were able to make a call to the S.A. Surveillance team.

“Hey, friend!” a cheerful voice greeted you. You smiled; it was your coworker Jess, who you’d worked with for the past two years. 

“Jess?”

“Yep! I’m helping out on this one. What do you need?”

“I shut down the firewall. I’m giving you the I.P. address now so you can connect.”

“…Okay, got it. I’m in. I can see all twenty cameras, and you! Hey, there.”

“All right, where’s Sapphire?” you asked.

“Looks like they haven’t found her yet,” Hughie said, pointing at the camera feed in the main room, filled with rows of conveyor belts, and a massive fight as Ben, Butcher, and the others made their way through the building.

“We’ll just have to help them clear each room,” you said. “Let’s go. Jess, keep an eye on us, but look out for Sapphire.”

“Will do. I’m patched into your comm now too,” she said. So you hung up your cell, and you left with Hughie and Frenchie.

You ran into more security when you left the room, more than the three of you could realistically handle as a fire fight began. You guys ran in the opposite direction, but while you veered right around the corner, Frenchie and Hughie ran left. Bullets tore in between, making sure that none of you could cross the hall to join back up.

“You guys keep going. I’ll find my own way out,” you called out to them. Neither of them liked that idea, but Frenchie nodded and pulled Hughie away when Sapphire’s security team closed in.

You kept running down the hall. You knew you were being chased. Several heavy footsteps thundered behind you. 

“Jess, I need a way out of here,” you commed in.

“You’re on the second floor,” she said. “The closest stairwell is the one you’re running away from.”

“What’s the second closest?” You panted as you ran.

“Hmm, you can cut through room 234. The exit stairwell is right on the other side.”

 “Is the room clear?” you asked.

After a moment, Jess answered. “Yep, it should be.”

"Should be?”you said dubiously.

“What the hell’s going on?” you heard Ben’s voice on the line. You heard the edge of his annoyance (and underlying worry), but you didn’t have time to talk to him right now.

“Looks clear on my end,” said Jess,“but this connection is a bit wonky.”

Damn it, Jess, you thought. When you reached room 234, the door was solid gray. There was no window to peek into, and you didn’t have time for caution, as a stray bullet nearly caught you in the head.

You ripped the door open and ran in, slamming the door shut behind you and locking it for good measure.

You turned around and stopped short. A gasp caught in your throat.

The room was huge, and it was filled wall-to-wall with white packages, of what you could only assume was cocaine. A few men were continuing to stack them. At the center of it all was a tall woman, rich tan skin, long black hair, wearing a deep blue pantsuit and killer heels. She looked like a boss ass bitch.

But unfortunately, she was also looking straight at you, raising a brow.

“Ah,” she said. A smile curved her lips, painted with a dark plum lipstick. “You’re one of the little bitches making a mess in my office.” 

Her eyes glowed blue, and yours widened. You dove for the nearest shelter—a wall of cocaine parcels. White powder exploded and wafted in the air as you ducked and ran across the room (and tried not to inhale). You drew your gun and shot out the legs of her men underneath the long stretch of table, but you yelped as bullets continued to follow you.

“I found Sapphire! Need backup in 234!” you shouted into the comm.

But when a blast of blue energy rocked into the wall directly behind you, you screamed as you were thrown forward. You landed painfully on your side, with the wind knocked out of you.

After a moment, you drew breath into your lungs and were able to pick yourself up. The exit door was close, a mere few feet away, but the second you reached for it, you had to pull back as narrow blue shards of light pierced the door. 

Sapphire was quickly approaching, just a yard or so away from grabbing you.

Instead of shooting your gun, you went for the taser at your belt and shot fast. Sapphire grabbed the end of the line like a fucking moron. Her blue eyes widened in outrage and pain when it shocked 50,000 volts of electricity through her body.

You took your chance, and you ripped the door open and fled. You just didn’t expect the bolt of energy that shot after you when you reached the stairs.

It didn’t hit you, but trying to dodge it made you lose your balance. You uttered a short scream as you were forced to jump the first flight of stairs.

You landed on the middle platform between the first and second floor. This time, you knew you twisted your ankle badly on the way down. You whimpered, holding your ankle and shin, but you knew you didn’t have time to waste.

It was a struggle to claw your way up to the guard rail. You could barely put pressure on your right foot, but you had no choice as you scrambled down the rest of the stairs. Already the door to the stairwell was blown open, and a pissed supe was on her way down behind you.

After shoving the door open on the first floor, you stumbled out and took another painful spill across the concrete floor. To your relief, M.M. picked you up by your arms.

The door behind you swung open, and before Sapphire could fire off a vaporizing blow, Ben raised his new titanium shield in front of you and M.M.

The blue energy bounced right off, and Ben used his shield to bat the supe right in the face—like swatting a fly. With a shriek, she was thrown hard against the wall.

Sapphire sunk to her knees, then the electric blue flickered out of her eyes as she fell unconscious to the floor.

When you all returned to Supe Affairs, Ben thundered down the hall towards the Surveillance department.

“Ben!” You hurried after him the best you could with a sprained ankle, bare-footed and wrapped, while M.M. and Hughie trailed behind. The others were busy getting Sapphire into custody.

Hughie was concerned for you though, while M.M. also wanted to know how you were going to try and reign in Soldier Boy.

“What the hell are you doing?” you called after Ben.

“I wanna know what goddamn moron cleared that fucking room,” he barked, but he didn’t slow down.

M.M. called your name from behind.

“Get your boyfriend in check,” he warned.

You sighed in irritation. At this point, you didn’t even know if he was your boyfriend.

But you struggled to reach him. You were practically hopping on one foot. The moment you tried to put any pressure on your right one, you faltered with a cry as you all but crashed against the wall to catch yourself. Hughie went to help you, grabbing your arm gently with a supportive hand on your back.

You didn’t see it, but that was when Ben stopped short. His jaw ticked. And he turned on his booted heel. When he saw you struggling to support yourself against the wall, he reluctantly went back. He knocked Hughie’s scrawny hands off you and wrapped an arm around your waist.

When he tried to just gather you into his arms to get the weight off your injured foot, you snapped at him.

“I can walk!” you said. “Let’s just go home please.”

His nostrils flared in irritation, but he helped you try to walk back toward the exit instead. You winced in pain with every small step.

Ben growled in annoyance. Fuck this. 

He hefted you effortlessly into his arms. You gasped and clung to his shoulders, and afterwards, you glared at him.

“I said I can walk!” you insisted.

“Shut up,” he grated out, swiftly heading for the exit doors down the hall. M.M. and Hughie watched with wide eyes while you and Ben devolved into what you did best.

“Don’t tell me to shut up!” you raised your voice.

He glared at you. “You’re in rare fucking form right now.”

“You’re the one being an asshole!”

“And you’re being a disrespectful brat!”

You rolled your eyes as anger burned hot in your veins. “What-fucking-ever, grandpa.”

Ben’s teeth clicked and grinded together. It took everything he had within him not to toss you. 

“You really wanna fucking get it, don’t you?”

“Suck my dick. How about that?” you sassed back, unfazed by his warning. 

Ben bulldozed through the double doors with a swift kick that shook them on their hinges. The bickering continued long after you two exited the building. 

Hughie just stared, mouth gaping, while M.M. crossed his arms. 

“That is some volatile shit,” Hughie remarked. 

M.M. scoffed, with a subtle shake of his head. 

“Nah, man,” he said ruefully. “That’s true motherfuckin’ love.”

Meanwhile, in the car, Ben drove home to Scarsdale. You simmered in the passenger seat. He glanced at you.

“Are you gonna be a hissy bitch all night?” he asked. You glowered at him.

“You’re the fucking grouch,” you shot back. In times like these, you liked to fantasize. Sometimes you wished you could rip out his spine and play Jenga with the vertebrae.  

“And you’re the one who nearly got yourself killed,” he retorted.

You took issue with this, your brows raising high.

“Excuse me? You’re really blaming me for what happened with Sapphire? You were ready to take out my friend for making an honest mistake.”

His gaze briefly left the road, turning to you in frustration. He didn't understand how you couldn't get it through your thick skull. You had been one shaky step shy of being fucking vaporized today.

No blood. No body. Just...nothing.

“Case in point, you’re the best in Surveillance," he said gruffly. "You don’t need to be in the field."

His compliment stopped you, warming you a little, but he was missing the point.

“I go where I’m needed, just like you,” you said. “You don’t get to tell me how, when, or where to do my job.”

Needless to say, it was tense for the rest of the way home.

Ben helped you inside, after which, you were determined to get to the bedroom by yourself. He watched you hop away from him with a frustrated shake of his head.

He sighed and started to peel off his gloves and untie his boots…but instead of leaving them by the door, like he usually would, he kept walking until he made it to the bedroom he shared with you. He sat on the edge of the bed and took his boots off there.

He watched you ignore him as you closed yourself into the bathroom.

You came out of the shower a little while later. Your hair was damp, but unwashed as you hadn’t been able to stand there for very long. The wrap on your ankle had gotten wet, so you grabbed the spare one that the paramedic had given you.

Ben didn’t look at you as he took his turn heading into the bathroom. After the door shut, your shoulders slumped with a sigh.

You tried to put on some shorts, but you quickly gave up and instead put on an overlarge shirt over your underwear. You remembered then that this shirt was an old one of Ben’s, and now a favorite of yours, because it still smelled like that earthy mix of his cologne and aftershave.

Frowning, you sucked in a deep breath. And you made a decision.

By the time Ben came back out with a towel wrapped around his hips, he found you still in the bedroom. Except you were packing a suitcase—the same one he’d brought to the safe house he’d shared with you for a month.

You were stuffing clothes into it from your side of the dresser. Something churned uncomfortably in his stomach, and he approached you.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he demanded to know.

You glanced up at him, but continued packing.

“Well, you made yourself very clear this morning that we’re just roommates. So I’m going to the guest room.”

“All right, don’t get all fucking hormonal,” he said, reaching out with a hand to stop you. You snatched your hand away from him. His brows raised in disbelief.

When you tried to get past him on the way to your closet, he held fast to your arm. With an angry frown, he then grabbed your suitcase and spilled it over onto the bed. You didn’t need a fucking suitcase to move one room over. Not that he planned to let you go any-damn-where.

“Enough,” he said sharply.

You met his intense stare with your own, but your eyes were shining and red. In that moment, you both stilled. The silence was palpable. For you, it was heartbreaking.

“I can’t do this anymore, Ben,” you confessed. Tears welled up in your eyes, but you refused to let them fall just yet. “I put my all into this, and I just…I can’t be with someone who won’t be honest with me.”

You started to grab your suitcase again, along with your discarded clothes. Ben stopped you. 

“I said enough,” he snapped. 

You then threw the heap of clothes to the floor, suitcase and all.

“Why?” you tearfully retorted. “Why should I listen to you?” 

His deep green eyes searched yours. For what, you didn’t know.

Eventually, you started to see through the cracks of his anger.

“Because I fucking love you,” he said. 

You blinked up at him, with hope stuck in your throat. But you were stubborn in your denial.

“You’re just saying that to get me off your back,” you argued. “Either you’ve just gotten used to having me around, or you just don’t feel like being alone. But you don’t really care about me.”

You knew you were saying words you didn’t mean.

You knew that wasn’t true…but you couldn’t help it.

You were more upset than angry now, seconds away from dissolving into pitiful tears. You were just stubborn enough to hold them at bay.

“Just shut up for one goddamn second,” Ben said. He held you by your shoulders, though his hands soon moved down to grip your arms. It wasn’t a painful hold, but it was firm, and quite possibly pleading.

Despite your better judgment, you gave him time to speak.

“You really think I’d stay here in this shithole if I didn’t want you?” he asked. “If I didn’t care about you?”

You unconsciously held your breath. For a long moment, he hesitated to continue.

Again, you waited for him.

Meanwhile, Ben knew he was being a coward. He’d been holding back. Not because he wasn’t serious about you, but because he’d been burned before. 

He knew he’d spent his life being a fucking bastard, in most ways. He knew he’d been wrong, and hadn’t given two shits about it. But Crimson Countess…Tess…he’d been willing to settle down with her. He’d actually told her he loved her and hadn’t been totally lying through his teeth. 

Yeah, he’d fucked around. Flirted with other women in front of her. He knew he was a hypocrite. Still, in whatever way he could at the time, he thought he’d loved her. 

And she’d lied to him. She’d gone through the motions of being with him. For fame or fear or whatever her reasons had been, she went along with it. And then she’d sold him out, along with the rest of their team. 

For nothing. Just to get him the fuck out of her life—out of the world. 

So what was he supposed to do with you? Just let you walk the fuck in, give you the deepest parts of him? A dark fucking space that he’d never given to anyone.

Well, he knew now if he didn’t, you were going to leave. But he wasn’t willing to let go either.

So…he relented. For once in his life, he told the truth.

“I love you,” Ben admitted. “In my whole damn life…I think you’re the only one who’s made me feel it for real.” 

Tears finally slipped down your cheeks. You reached out and grasped his wrist, mostly for stability as you took in his words. He took that hand, held it to his warm chest. Always warm. 

“But one day, I’m still going to fucking lose you,” he said, looking down on you. “Then I’ll be right back where I started.”

Alone. 

You looked up at him with a sad, rueful smile. 

“Not exactly where you started,” you replied. He wasn’t the same man you met last year. You pressed your free hand to his cheek.

“Taking Compound V doesn’t guarantee I’ll come out like you, with a longer lifespan.”

“It’s something the CIA can work on,” Ben said. 

“You want Dr. Baker to experiment on me?” you asked, quirking a brow. The CIA had recruited her, ironically enough.

Ben closed his eyes for a second, letting out a slight huff. “That’s not what I’m fucking saying.”

You nodded and soothed your fingers through his hair. 

“Okay, we’ll have that conversation. I promise.” Then you smiled. “But let me just have this moment…my boyfriend loves me.”

You looked into his eyes and you knew he meant it. His hands moved to your waist, around to the small of your back. You clung to his shoulders and shifted off your aching ankle with a wince. Ben noticed, and he raised you up to him. It had the added benefit of letting you reach his face easier.

He guided you into a searing kiss. You responded in kind, delving into his hair again and opening your mouth to his demanding tongue. With the tips of your toes, you pushed up from the ground and he helped you wrap your legs around his waist.

The towel he wore was starting to slip, and you shoved it the rest of the way off with your foot, until he stood in the center of the bedroom in all his glory. 

He smirked into your lips and walked you to the bed. But before he could lay you down, you broke the kiss and held his face.

“You really love me?” you asked, just to make sure. It was the part of you, perhaps still scarred deep down, that had to ask.

Ben chuckled. He rested his forehead against yours. “You’re mine, sweetheart. Don’t you fucking forget it.”

You grinned, and you kissed him this time, only breaking when he lowered down to the bed. Once your back met the plush mattress, all bets were off. He wrenched your shirt up over your head, and you reached for him again.

Your lips drew a hot, wet path from his jawline to his neck, biting and sucking all along the way to that sensitive spot between his neck and shoulder. His hand clenched in your hair, a deep sound caught in his throat when he felt the sharp sting of your teeth, playfully biting, then soothing with your tongue.

Your nails bit into his skin, but merely felt like teasing down his back, making a shiver trill along his spine. He all but pressed you into the mattress as he made his own descent.

Your fingers trailed up and into his hair while his mouth worked its way down between your breasts, stopping to lavish attention on each one. You made sounds of pleasure when he took a hardened nipple between his lips, between his teeth, dragging deliciously over your skin.

Your thighs wrapped around his hips again, He bucked teasingly into your clothed core, making you moan when you felt his wet tip dampening your panties.

“Ben…”

His lips curved, but he didn’t answer you. His fingers were pressing into the flesh of your thigh as he continued to tease your breasts. You’d felt how hard he was already and frankly, you were surprised he was taking his time.

“Listen,” you panted in his ear. “You’ve gotta wrap it up this time. Do we even have condoms?”

You knew for a fact that Ben didn’t buy them. 

But his brows furrowed. His mouth left your breast as he looked up at you.

“What?”

“I haven’t replaced my IUD yet,” you confessed. Its five-year lifespan had been up, and so you’d gotten the birth control device removed a few days ago.

Now, you watched in amusement at the way his lips curved into a pleased grin.

“No, don’t you even think about it,” you warned. Though you almost laughed at how excited he looked. “We’re not ready for that.”

“Why fucking not?” Ben asked. His pressed his length against your core more insistently. The idea of fucking you raw, spilling into you, putting his seed deep inside you without resistance, had his cock throbbing with anticipation.

“Ben!” You had to laugh. You two hadn’t even been living together that long, and you had just gotten on the same page after six months of trying to figure out what you were together.

“Don’t tell me you don’t want kids,” he said. And he began to ply you with tantalizing kisses along the column of your throat, down your neck, the scraping of teeth making you shudder in delight.

“I do,” you could admit. “But is right now really the best ti—”

He choked a moan out of you as his fingers pushed your underwear aside and spread your folds, then delved right in. Your core pulsed, hot and wet as his thick digits sunk deep inside you.

“God,” you uttered, gripping his hair tight. He stretched and explored your inner channel with two fingers, while his thumb found your clit with ease.

“When then?” he asked. But his hand was unrelenting, working you over until your toes curled and the coil in your lower belly began to tighten. You looked up at him helplessly.   

“Can we talk about this later?” you keened. Ben smirked and suddenly withdrew his fingers from your dripping pussy. He snatched your underwear, ripping them down the middle and making you gasp.

“No time like the fucking present,” he insisted. He lined himself up to your entrance, but you stopped him with a warning look. You knew if you let him inside you now, he was going to try and get his way.

“Ben,” you warned.

He sighed and let you stop him, but then his teasing edge faded.

Ben pressed a hand to your cheek. When he leaned down to kiss you, you felt the need and wanting behind it. 

He pulled away to meet your eyes. You softened looking up into his, because you understood what he wanted.

“We have time, baby,” you promised, stroking his chin. “We’ll have a family…just give us some time.”

He was disappointed…but he nodded. Sighing again through his nose, he clenched a hand into the now tangled mess of your hair.

“Say it,” he demanded. “Say you’re fucking mine.”

Your eyes widened. In all of this, you’d forgotten to be honest yourself. 

“Of course I’m yours,” you said. “I love you, Ben. So much, I can hardly take it.” 

He closed his eyes with furrowed brows. It had been a very long time since he’d heard those words. Maybe the first time someone had said them with any real sincerity, besides his mother. 

You encouraged him to look at you, both with your voice and your hand gently touching his face. And when he opened his eyes, you marveled at the depths there. 

Smiling, you guided him back to your lips. It was slow and sweet…until it wasn’t, deepening in passion and urgency again. Need burned inside you, so deep and strong that you couldn't take it anymore.

You slipped a hand between you to grasp his still hard cock. You caressed him a few times, letting your thumb circle around the sensitive head. Ben couldn’t help thrusting into your hand, releasing a grunt. His eyes briefly closed again as you pressed open-mouthed kisses to his neck, down his chest.

“I need you,” you whispered against his skin. Ben nodded while you held his length poised at your entrance. He raised your hips, tucking your ankles over shoulders. For your injured one, he rubbed your calf.

“What a fuckin’ trooper,” he said with a smirk.

You smiled, but it soon fell into a moan as he began to push inside you. Every time, he stretched and filled you completely. Your inner walls wrapped around him and already fluttered with heat.

“Fuck, baby doll. Got me tight as a damn glove,” Ben remarked. You had to giggle, but that just squeezed him harder. When he began to move, it was all you could do to cling to his shoulders.

As basic as the position was, you liked being able to see his face. You knew when to spur him on, and when to just hold on for dear fucking life. But above all, he was a skilled man, and you enjoyed watching him work.

You were so consumed by it that when he came, it took both of you by surprise. He spilled into you hot and deep, but he still filled you with ragged thrusts, which hit that special place inside that made your entire body shudder with pleasure. You couldn’t help but come apart with him.

Your nails bit fruitlessly into his skin as your voice rose on a high moan. The two of you panted for breath, and he pulled out and let down your legs back to the bed. Once you felt the telltale dripping of his release slipping down from between your legs, your eyes widened. 

Oh shit, you thought. “We forgot the condom.”

Ben stared down at you, first in confusion, then in surprise. And finally, with a broad, Cheshire-like grin.

You laid a hand over your eyes as you relaxed into the pillow behind your head, trying not to laugh.

“I can’t believe we just did that,” you said.

“We? I was following your lead,” Ben said. He moved to lay beside you in full satisfaction, folding his hands over his chest. He looked like the cat that caught the horny-ass canary.

"Haven't you heard of, oh, I don't know, pulling out?" you quipped. Ben rose a brow at you, still with that smug look on his face.

"Not my philosophy, sweetheart," he said.

Your mouth dropped open incredulously. Your gaze narrowed, but looking into his gleaming eyes, you really just had to laugh. His smile grew.

Ugh. Whatever, you thought. For now, you closed your legs and moved over to rest your head on his shoulder. He welcomed you with an arm wrapping around your waist.

What’re the chances that I’m ovulating anyway? you thought.

After a beat, you huffed another laugh. With your luck, you’d definitely have to stop at a drugstore for a pregnancy test.

And yet, in times like these, you were happy that you caved when Ben insisted on installing a TV in the bedroom. After you both got cleaned up, it was nice to fall into bed like you used to and find something new to watch together.

There were so many things you wanted him to catch up on, and he was generally game for whatever you thought he might like.

Three episodes of The Office later though, you stopped laughing so much and fell into your thoughts. Ben noticed, tugging on a loose strand of your hair.

“What’s the matter?”

“You really think our apartment is a shithole?” you asked.

He shrugged. “I might’ve embellished.”

“Seriously. If you’re not comfortable here—”

“I’m comfortable,” he said, turning his gaze to you. “Why’re you asking me that now?”

“I don’t know,” you said. “I just want you to be happy here. I want this to feel like home for both of us, but not like, boring either.” 

He smirked. “Hence the caravan of whores and blow.” 

You shook your head with a laugh. But he still saw you trying to stem off that worry. That all this wasn’t enough for him. 

Well, Ben could complain about being cramped in this three-bedroom apartment…but he knew that when he came home, he wouldn’t be alone. 

He’d be able to see your stuff on the nightstand, by your side of the bed, your half of the closet, your sweet-smelling soaps and lotions in the bathroom. All of that was familiar to him now. 

It was home, he supposed. And so were you.

The beginnings of a softer smile curved his lips, but he edged it into a smirk.  

“You’ve got something they don’t,” he said. 

“What’s that?” you asked, raising a brow. 

“You try the ever-living fuck out of my patience,” he said, “unlike anyone on the planet.” 

With a giggle, you rolled over onto his arm and chest, resting your head on his shoulder. 

“Buuut…?” 

He conceded with a nod, if also a roll of his eyes. His arm lifted to once again slip around your waist.

“But no matter how fucked up it got, you stayed.”

With me, his tone implied.

“That’s more than anyone else in my goddamn life,” he said.

And that made you tear up all over again.

“So you’re staying,” you clarified, only half-teasing.

It reminded you of when you’d sat tied to a chair, wondering why the hell Soldier Boy would want to let you live. You could’ve never known it then, but you’d stared straight into the face of your future.

You didn’t know if Ben was remembering the same thing, but he smiled a little, brushing away your tears with his thumb.

“I’m staying,” he replied. Your smile brightened, and you leaned up for a kiss.

“Then we’re square,” you whispered against his lips. 

He chuckled and deepened the kiss. He turned off the TV, chucking the remote further down the bed and turned to trap you beneath him again.

“Nope.” You finished wiping your eyes and pushed against his chest. “You’re not finessing me twice. Go find a damn condom.”

He gave you a grumpy look. “Fucking killjoy.”

“You’re ridiculous,” you laughed. You reached up and took his face in your hands.

“I promised, didn’t I?” you reminded. “We’ll get there.”

His gaze searched yours.

“Soon, not someday,” he said. You nodded, soothing your thumb across his cheek.

“Soon,” you agreed. And you reminded him, even as your throat constricted once more with emotion. “Ben, I love you…God, I love you. And I’ve never wanted this with anyone but you.”

Ben paused, but after a moment, he nodded in acceptance. You were grateful for it. Even though you weren’t quite ready yet, he wasn’t the only one who wanted a family.

While your fractured past and upbringing made it hard for you to move past your fears, your insecurities, you knew that this man made you feel safe.

For the first time in your life, you also felt whole.

Soon enough, you’d be brave too.

AN: That's all, folks. Been a great ride...

Ha! Just kidding. I'm nowhere near done with these two, even with this long-ass epilogue lol.

But honestly, no matter what part of the journey you jumped into with this story, thank you so much for sticking with me until the end. It's truly been one of my favorite stories ever to write. And I'm so glad I got the chance to share it with you. 🥹💚🥹

Next Time:

Ready for Part 2 (of 3) of "Love Actually"?

(AKA: Ben is forced to attend Christmas dinner to meet his girlfriend's whole family.)

Here's a sneak peek:

“Hey. What’s taking so damn long?” he asked. His brows were furrowed, mouth set in an aggravated frown. “I already told you. I’m not planning on being at this thing all night. So if you don’t come down here in the next ten minutes, I swear to fucking Christ—” 

Ben stopped short, as he heard your footsteps at the top of the stairs. When he looked up with expectant, pursed lips, his face subtly froze. 

“What? What’re you gonna do?” you teased. Tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, you grasped the guardrail and carefully made your way down the stairs. These heels were no joke...

😂 Until then, let me know what you thought of the BMD finale! 💚💚

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[mxbitters]

when you’re doing your cyberpunk thing and you see a hot intimidating punk guy and youre like well fuck now i gotta find a way to make my character hate him so we can push those emotions out of the way and your gm (conveniently also your best friend) decides to have the guy come over to your gay ass and suddenly oh by the way we know each other, were part of some weird johnny silverhand centered anarcho-punk gang (i mean vibes) but also hey guess what my character also apparently has some really weird commitment issues surrounding getting a cybernetic arm like literally everyone else and also they just have this quite fascinating dynamic that’s like confusing but in a hold on a second is this man a comrade or a lover or......perhaps...........both