#i am so fucking scared to eat anything that isnt those things. i have been Fucked Up.

[crimeronan]

alright i dicked around on youtube and reddit all night but i'm starting my morning semi-strong by having done all my exercises + walking. i used the internet to ID eight different birds and a few plants around my neighborhood & then read about them online & now i'm taking a super hot bath bc the chilly air set off my raynaud's Hard. i ate some breakfast and i'm gonna make myself a cup of coffee post-bath and then i'm gonna take rafi to work n run several adult errands n make several adult phone calls. and i'm going to be Fine. and Not Flare Horribly. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

[sflksjlksflksj]

personal diary

day 3 of remembering to write. things at home seem to be doing better. I tell my husband alot of whats on my mind when i am struggling and he always does his best to help me. He’s a huge workaholic. If he doesnt have work he is doing things around the house, doing yard work or helping me clean and upkeep the house. He only gets like at most 2 days off a week and his past 3 days off he has spent it mostly with me and just being there for me instead of doing stuff and it has helped me alot. Sometimes i need days where we are just cuddling and going with the flow. I think alot of my issues with newer/younger couples is that i feel like me and him will never have those same moments again and that makes me envious and feel like we arent soulmates. I know we are soulmates. i just lose myself in family life sometimes and need him to breathe fresh air into me so i can focus on myslef and not my surroundings. I hate his brother and i wish i didnt as much as i do. I hate him so much that seeing him be a 19 year old drop out isnt good enough for me. I hate that his mother got him a car. i hate that he has never held down a job longer than a few weeks. I hate that he dates around like crazy and brings these girls home for days to even weeks at a time. it feels like for me at least, me and his brother got the shit end of the stick when it comes to when we first started dating. His mother was always shaming us or critisizing us and we had jobs and were doing shit. But his brother is smoking weed and ditching school and she is buying him dinner everynight and...well at least thats how i feel. i know my feelings are exaggerated more than 86 percent of the time so i need to get over it. talking things out with my husband helps a load but it helps alot to write it down too and see how far ive matured and far ive come. I have kept multiple diarys before on laptops and computers but it was always private and i always lost them when i sold/broke the computers so itll be nice to have sometjhing thatll be online forever and i can look back on. i know i have matured alot but i also have gone downhill in some other aspects. for instance i have been drinking alot more, like 4-5 days out of the week i mix vodka into juice and drink like 7-10 cups. Not good at all. i have never gotten drunk and thats what started this drinking was that i wanted to get drunk once and it didnt work so every night ive been drinking here and there and now its becoming a destress thing and i hate it. i dont need alchohol but im feeling like i am starting down that road and i dont know how to stop exactly. Ill set out not to buy any and then ill just ask my husband to pick some up and he always is up for it. i dont know. when i drink i do care alot less about those thoughts in my head. I was able to acutally sit on the couch and talk and vibe with my mother in law while i was drunk. i know i am being stupid. my mother in laws ex husband was a alchohlic and i am sure she can see any signs of someone intoxicated. she hasnt said anything to me and we have been getting along great since then. i love my kids so much and i am so unhealthy currently. the worst i have ever been. and not only am i the fattest i have ever been but now i am drinking and i am so scared of now being able to do better. ive been talking for weeks about going on a diet but i have no fucking self control or discipline to do it and i hate so much how good i am at dissasociating with my problems. i hope i can get better with time man. i am hoping that as i grow and mature ill get some fucking self control. ive been able to reign myself in mentally sometimes when i find myself going off on unhealthy tangents in my head but again, it doesnt work for long and i always end up thinking the same way within minutes. i am going for a week to visit my dad and my step mum and let them see the boys and i am hoping there i can quit this drinking and possibly not binge eat shit and that can be my little taste of being the responsible adult i hope to be soon.

[ess-presso]

hi ess <3

miss taylor: dancing with our hands tied, blank space, & treacherous <3

ty for the fic rec <3 i love texting fics sm i eat em up everytime. here's one for u, operation: toebeans by moonymoment (cute lil wolfstar fic, they fuck around with minnie and shes so tired of them)

chatting <3

id love to see a massive colonel sanders statue irl. it would definitely be significant enough for people to make pilgrimages to it & in fact i think id visit it myself.

fuck san francisco (im sure its lovely) i hate it there (it looks kinda cool tbh). sadly we've already broken best friend code cause she lives in a different city for uni 💔💔 havent seen that bitch since the beginning of january and im losing my mind. but its fine i think i get to see her this month🕺

ah yes the only two requirements to date someone: be hot and funny. (no but fr thats it. the bar is so low)

hozier <3333 (yes canadian money smells like maple syrup!!! just the notes though not the coins. i wish the coins were scented too)

now for the jesus/judas au..... i think peter simply has to be judas. but for jesus i wanna say james because judas revealed jesus' identity = peter revealing james & lily's location (although sirius as jesus would be funny too with his long jesus-like hair & the way he kinda came back to life via escaping azkaban)

american harry styles scares me fr.

fuck seagulls like actually. they always steal my food at the beach while im swimming and i cant swim back in time to stop them. theyre public enemies around these parts.

oh god. an eighteen year old dating a fourteen year old while he has another gf...... so fucking gross. (someone free both those girls rn. actual leonardo dicaprio behaviour)

i got anne carson's sappho fragments book for christmas & i was gonna go ahead and annotate it but now i feel like i should wait until i have someone to annotate it for. or maybe ill just annotate it and then i can give it to my person when they come along <3

ur def right im the opposite of final girl material but i am impulsive and stubborn so i will explore the church if its the last thing i do. (it will be the last thing i do cause im gonna end up getting myself killed)

six cans of monster can cure anything & i truly believe that. even a horrible hangover.

philosopher's stone>>>> sorcerer's stone sounds so bad anyways. im glad canada isnt quite dumb enough to get the sorcerer's stone treatment.

all of my halloween costumes are pretty lame tbh. i was a bee for my first bday (hence my nickname) but ive been a witch, vampire, zombie, ghost, etc. nothing special really

u should definitely tell harvard. theyd be too stunned to deny u entry its foolproof.

i loved blowing things up in chem. truly my only motivation to go to class.

using music apps based on our fav colours thats so real of us.

i may not have gotten wingstop but i did see florida (jumpscare)

joey in season one <3333

infinite bag of money thats a great idea how did i not think of that.

u will be banker one day. im manifesting this for u.

tumblr will forever be the superior social media idc. this website is untouchable.

oh god that guys a mummy's boy...... freud would absolutely lose his mind. a field day.

i understand u. like sometimes ur drunk self has a mind of its own and will do random shit. ive cut my hair drunk and woke up very confused but at least i managed to not botch it!!!

love in the dark is SUCH A JEGULUS SONGGG oh my god. adding to my jegulus playlist right this instant.

omg listening to music while looking at art>>>>>> perfection. makes u feel so peaceful and cool fr. (WENDYS!!! i love wendys so much.)

ur completely right id rather be having a horrible time with liv than be somewhere nice with someone i hate. doesnt matter what we're doing or whats happening it'll just be better if shes there.

i love that taylor likes 13 like yes girl me too. but 13 is actually a lucky number in italy so my family has always liked it!

oh god james and lily im so sorry......im just glad i wasnt born in 1981 or else id be highly suspicious that im the reincarnation of one of them.

american and canadian accents are super similar unless we're talking southern united states or far eastern canada. they literally sound irish over there no joke.

drarry <3 i just love the angst. so many possibilities for them.

jily & jegulus <33 ur right, jegulus for the fics (theres just SO many good ones) but jily for the ships theyre just so sweet.

after that guy i swore to never watch a movie for someone i like ever again. (also mainly because most of the time the movie is SO BAD!!!!) but yes its so cute when ur watching something with someone and they tell u all about it <333

we kinda did have a lot of paint lying around! it was mostly just lil kid art sets with crappy cheap markers and pencils but they were fun. if i was lucky i was allowed to use my parents fancy stuff.

it was genuinely so funny like i wish i couldve seen the sock fall from the audience's perspective i bet it was ridiculous.

literally ezra/aria. it was so gross but at least it wasnt real.

rude old people make me so mad like how have u lived so much of ur life and still carry so much hate in u......get a life old lady!!!!!!

hermione & harry <33

its true dramione fics are better. romione fics are usually just as bland as they are in canon. still cute tho.

tote bags!!!! love em. and omg a pride and prejudice tote thats so cool. i have one with constellations all over it i love it sm. (but also tote bags make my shoulders hurt so bad i swear im gonna get scoliosis one day)

wireless headphones till i die!!!!! how am i supposed to clean my room while watching netflix or something with wired headphones. how am i supposed to cook with wired headphones.

omg a 2! alexa play lover by taylor swift. (im a 5, apparently the investigators. i do love solving a good puzzle so ill take it)

red nail polish 4ever. looks good with anything i swear. my fav is a dark wine red and its just perfect.

wait thats so funny. it sounds straight out of an episode of friends or something. (glad everyones okay!!!!)

THATS SO CUTE!!!!! AHHHHH! top tier gift fr.

also a top tier gift. signed copies of ur fav books + unabridged podg + museums???? a flawless gift.

THE EMMA QUOTE OHHHH MY GOD!! i love that quote so fucking much. those are all so good. quotes that make u feel completely unzipped are the best always.

that poem is so good wtf. "i fear no fate (for you are my fate my sweet)" WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!! IM UNWELL.

i wanna visit the lake district so bad ohhh my god. it looks so nice. the air looks so crisp there.

the locket that is so cute im crying!!!!!! i have a pic of liv and i from when were like 3/4 grinning at each other and ive wanted to put it in a locket forever so u have inspired me thatll be her bday gift.

tigers are so cool thats an excellent choice. king of the jungle fr.

horror movies & romcoms thats so real of u. the duality of man. & horror movie adrenaline rushes are unlike anything i swear.

not picking between jily and jegulus REAL!!! theyre both so perfect.

answering qs!

im not allergic to anything! (that i know of. so far so good.)

i totally believe in fate, at least to the "everything happens for a reason" degree. i think people need to just live their lives and let things happen cause we cant control everything and it would be impossible to even try. if its meant to be then itll be.

i accidentally fucked up a really good friendship a while ago by not being there for someone when they needed it (to be fair we were both going THRU it so i didnt realize) but we both moved on & they had moved to a different school so we drifted apart eventually. shit happens but theyre happier now so thats good.

i wake up bright and early (its 12pm.) i gracefully get out of bed (i sit on my phone for half an hour before dragging myself out of bed) i go brush my teeth and do skincare (i do brush my teeth but i definitely dont feel like doing skincare) i go make a nice nutritious meal (i make a coffee and some toast if its a good day) i do a wakeup workout (i sit in bed and drink my coffee) i get dressed for the day (im not changing out of my pjs) i do my makeup (im not doing my makeup) i head to campus for my class (my class is online. i stay in bed.)

spiderman or thor!!! ive never read any of the comics so this is purely based on their movies but peter parker i love that man. and thor is a dumb idiot i love him.

i think id switch lives with either elon musk or jeff bezos so i can give away all their money to charity or to pay for important things that they can afford like solving world hunger. i think id also love to switch lives with timothee chalamet like what goes on in that boy's head hes so funny sometimes.

(like which pre-existing fic do i wish i was the author of?) i wish i had written just lovers by zar (also intermission by zar) just because that fic is a masterpiece and to be the author of such a work of art would be an honour.

i wish i had written the iliad and the odyssey cause it would be cool as fuck to be as iconic as homer. (also since homer mightve not actually existed id love to be that much of an enigma too. keep em guessing)

ive never been in love! ive liked people but it never gets past that. i guess im just waiting for the right person to come along. but also, in a way i think i fall in love with everyone i meet. some people are just so cool and ill carry that memory of them forever.

i dance and sing a lot when im drunk. i get loud in general but i will karaoke the shit out of whatever is playing. also i get giggly cause everything becomes funny for no reason.

the worst fight liv and i have had is so dumb, she called me telling me that she was having people over at her place for her bday. i said i wasnt sure if i could make it bc i had 4 papers due that same weekend but i would try bc i obviously wanted to be there for her bday. she called me back a bit later sobbing saying she wanted me to be there and that she was mad i might miss it, i started sobbing because i felt bad and because i was overwhelmed, i told her okay, id be there no matter what, she said okay. we hung up and then she called me back 10 mins later completely fine and we both apologized for the dramatics & everything was fine and i managed to write my 4 papers in time so i could go. (uni and exams were kicking both our asses & we both had a breakdown cause neither of us had slept in like 2 days at that point lmfao)

probably either stargazing and seeing sirius & regulus & that comet, or when i last saw liv in january - we got coffee and walked around a lake for like 3 hours and talked shit abt the bitchy people from high school. it was lovely.

jegulily yes! ive never read any jegulily but i wouldnt mind reading some at some point. again, james has two hands!!! plus i think their dynamic is so fun.

i actually dont watch a whole lot of romcoms so i had to look up which movies would be considered romcoms and from that search my favs that ive seen are: enchanted, easy A, mamma mia, & 10 things i hate about you!

i also dont watch a lot of horror movies but i was fucking OBSESSED with IT in 2017 like fully obsessed. my entire personality was from that goddamn movie.

qs for u!

piercings vs tattoos?

whats your fatal flaw?

if u were any emoji which would u be?

whats ur love language?

fav superhero?

fav fic of all time

fav disney/pixar movie?

whats ur preferred method of annotating books? (like do u add random commentary or do u add deep analysis & thoughts?

what do u think ur animagus would be?

fav aesthetic?

do u prefer to stay in to watch a movie or go to the theatres?

fav day of the week and why

whats your literary archetype? (fun lil quiz, i got the ruler)

thats all for now <3

-bee

bee my darling <333

(first apologies for replying late.I seem to have a knack with doing those kind of things. but now I'm on half-term break , exams are over, so I'm mostly a free bird !!!)

miss Taylor -

dancing with our hands tied - JEGULUS - 'I loved u in secret'. that's all. secret love is theirs , they own it . also also , this is so regulus's line - 'I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us'. HIM HIM HIMMMM.

blank space - all the women - I simply couldn't choose between them and since this song is very very female rage to me , I'll say all of them. especially Marlene , because if she's one to sleep around , you just know she was shamed for it.

treacherous - WOLFSTAR - I just really feel the vibe of sirius being like 'I'll follow you home' and remus thinking that the love he feels for sirius is treacherous !!!

chatting ----->

nah imagine being under that statue and you see boxes of free kfc just hanging around . colonel the redeemer would be gods child fr.

everything in the us looks either cool or dangerous. SHE BROKE THE BFF CODE. yta divorce immediately. lu lives like five minutes away from me and it's to and fro from there like everyday. I see him all the time and I haven't even thought about the possibility that one day I might not see him everyday. like that's not happening. peace to u bee , u brave for not tearing the fuck up.

nah fr where are my hot and funny little bitches/bastards. like bro come here and kiss me on the mouth and take me out and we can get married in like an hour.

hosier is bae baeeee. (that's so fucking cool. and I think the coins should so smell like maple syrup. it's fucking unjust that they don't. sue Trudeau.)

Peter = judas and James = Jesus (and I so see ur point with the sirius looking like Jesus parallel. like James (if he was alive) would've so made some jokes about that.

TALKING ABOUT HARRY STYLES - please tell me you saw him at the brit awards yesterday. please. I was in fucking tears when I saw. like broooo he mentioned Zayn??? my boy Zayn ???? my directioner heart is healing for real. (and lewis Capaldi is probably the only person in the world who can among to get the band back together. he has the power.)

I get chased by them whenever I'm at the beach and they've stolen chips from my fish and chips before and it's so fucking annoying like genuinely I wish they'd go fuck themselves.

no genuinely someone should arrest that guy. fucking hate him. piss bag.

ahhhhh annotate it and then buy a new copy for your person and annotate with shit like 'made me think of u' and everything I would cry my fucking eyes out if someone gave me that.

nah bee a nun gonna fly in and drop kick u in the face (now laughing at this image)

it did not cure my hangover ! it made it worse !!! and the worst part was that lu was also hungover so he couldn't work his magic with his hangover potion. and he also emptied his insides out (he threw up) and I was his sick nurse and made him soup and everything. (he was so out of it it was funny as fuck)

canada is smarter than the use for sure (free healthcare and gun control for one.)

bee as a bee oh my god that's so cute (and those costumes aren't lame they're classics)

fr Harvard is so calling.

blowing things up is so so fun. I used ethanol in class recently (there was a big boom) and it was very funnn.

yes pink and green stay winning always >>>

ew not florida ewwwwww.

joey is just bae. I love him so so much. (his funeral fit stays banging.)

I'm just smarter than u bee , let's face it.

update on the banking thing - he said no. he just doesn't like powerful women.

tumblr is so bae , like vanilla extract is so funny to me now

freud would love to dissect that boy fr.

cutting your hair drunk ??? and not botching it ??? you are the chosen one. I bow down to your brilliance.

THE MOST JEGULUS SONG TO EVER JEGULUS. yes yes u must add it. can't believe it wasn't already there in the first place.

it is so perfect. such a vibe honestly. (Wendy's slaps hard. but it wasn't square so I feel betrayed.)

bad times with your best friend so that ten years in the future you can look back and laugh on how stupid and dumb you were.

ahhh no my family has always considered 13 bad luck. but I don't believe it so 13 stays winning <333

can't tell the difference fr (Irish ??? never knew that that's fucking weird (in a good way))

DRARRRRRRYYYYYY the angst is unmatched. unmatched I tell you.

jegulus fics are so so so good I eat them up like soup. and jily is just - perfect. I love them. I love it so so much.

no because those kind of movies are so weird. it annoys me so much. (but watching stuff with someone who's obsessed with the thing you're watching ??? like whatttt. it's so sweet. eg Lu's fucking obsessed with sports and shit and he knows I'm just not - so he always always explains shit to me like when to cheer which team we support and everything.)

I would feel so proud if it was me and I was allowed to use the fancy paints. like so so important and everything I would love it so so much.

I can imagine it now. sock falling in slow motion.

yes thank fuck for that.

get a life of their own frrrr. high time considering their lives are just about to end.

herm and harry are my darlings honestlyyy

yes yes romione is so cute and awesome but I don't personally like fics about them fr.

OH MY GOD A CONSTELLATION TOTE ???? honestly you're so fucking awesome it's fucking coooolllll.

WIRELESS HEADPHONES 5ever fr fr. could never deal with the wires when I'm doing stuff.

LOVVVVERRRRR. ( a 5 ??? that's awesome !!!)

mine's that kind of red or a classic bright red. love them classics and everything I love it <33

it really really really was. (we're all good but we have matching scars now ! hey - tattoos right there ???)

no I loved it so so much I love it so fucking much it's cool as fuck. prize present <33

I'm literally the best friend ever he should bow down to me and my excellence. (no but I just got him all his favourite things and bro got super emotional and everything. )

YES I FEEL SO UNZIPPED WHEN I READ THAT SHIT I FUCKING LOVE IT SOOTHES ME. those kind of confession quotes will always be so dear to me.

YES YES U GET IT. favourite poem ever <33

the air is super crisp and everything feels mega real up there. like I am hyper-aware of the fact that I exist.

yes yes a locket like that is so so cute. she will keep it close to her heart trust <333

YES TIGERS. GO TIGERS.

horror movies & romcoms have my whole heart. rom-coms come first , but horror movies are a close second. (and horror-coms are lovely too !!!)

jily and jegulus are amazing. top-tier always.

reviewing your q's -

god bless u and ur immune system. the chosen 1 fr.

fate fate fate. I believe in destiny and fate and I love it because I really truly believe that I could bump into someone and fall in love. like it could so so happen. It will happen. manifesting the fuck out of it.

friendship break ups make me so so sad. like damn you don't want me anymore???? sad as fuck. (glad you both are doing good now !!!!)

WHAT A FUCING MOOD. same though. I think it's something in the air when I'm getting ready for school. like I get ten times more slugger in the morning I'm getting up for school like I really curse the fuck out of everyone and their mothers.i do it so often.

Peter Parker always <33333. I love them so so so much.(tom and toby and ANDREWWWWW)

(yes yes that's what I meant !!!) I so so need to fucking read it I swear I'll do it. I'm going to do it as soon as I have time honest.

homer is iconic you're so right. keep them guessing always and forever for reals.

I fall in love every time I look in the mirror. no but if we're being honest - me neither. I feel like it's coming though. I love love and I want to be in love too. (meeting the best people and carrying the memory of them forever >>>)

NO HONESTLY. man wearing hat ???? funny as fuckkkk.

not being able to go places because you have exams is so so so fucking annoying. like exams can go to hell (she cried for u ??? that's so sad and honest and sweet honestly best friend GOALS.)

talking shit about bitchy people with your best friend >>>> especially because it's always the darnedest things too and the best friends we have would never expect it and it's always so funny to shock them.

I honestly don't really mind jegulily. I think it's fun , and I might read a couple fics here and there but they'll never be my OTP. I love them , but jegulus and jily stay winning alwayssss.

'I hate the way I don't hate u. not even a little bit , not even at all.' my heartttt. and also Cameron is amazing and needs to be appreciated more.

q's -

now I love piercings (want at least 3 in each ear) but tattoos because to me they can hold much more meaning than a piercing. like it would be amazing and they just .... do stuff piercings can't. piercings still slap though.

loyalty to the people I love. like I've said this before , but I'd absolutely go feral if anything untoward happened to the people I love. i would genuinely fuck the aggressor up. like I genuinely feel like I saw a ten foot tall hunky muscle guy slap lu once , and I was there , I'd get so mad I'm pretty sure my sheer anger would scare him the fuck away. but I'd do it even if they were wrong. like if he says the sky is purple in front of people he doesn't like , then the sky is mf purple until we get home then I ask him what the fuck is going on.

the raising a single eyebrow one. I'm always making that facial expression. (I used to hang out with some pretty sus people and the things they used to say ..... shiver.) and of course the love heart ( where is my pink love heart , apple ?????? where is it ????) simply because I am a hopeless romantic.

acts of service !!! I will always do something like that for someone I love. like you need the groceries ??? not a single word more I'm going rn. also also love love giving gifts. like I really think them out .

SPIDERMANNNN. I love all 3 of them so so much I love the fuck out of them they're my favourites always always.

oh my god I couldn't possibly. but I could. (for each ship I have 1 or 2)

drarry - mental , temptation on the warfront.

jegulus - absentmindedly making me want you

dramione - wait & hope , isolation

wolfstar - of memories and milk thievery , lessen my load

nottpott (harry x theo nott) - rendevouz receipts , lethal combination

btw lethal combination is by the same author as the one who wrote the atlas six !!!! I love it so so much !!1 (nottpott is a guilty pleasure ship)

7. my favourite Disney movie is tangled always always <33333 unmatched. Pixar - UP (I fucking love it. it made me cry so so hard, I love it so so much)

8.i do both. like I have clear post-its , and sometimes I jot my notes down there , other times I have annotated the fuck out of them on the pages. in my copy of Gatsby , I have the word 'gay' written next to a lot of the times nick talks about Gatsby (maybe I'm biased but he was so in love with Gatsby.)

9.i'd love to be a black cat. mostly because I hate how they're said to be bad luck. like they're so sweet and cute and I just love them always. they're amazing. (plus being lazy and thinking they're better than everyone ??? so me honestly.)

10. dark academia !!! I so so so wanna live like that like it's the dream I love it so much. everything about it. the outfits , the scene , the vibes , the feel , the feeling that if I fall in love with someone , it'd kill me to be without them. I just LOVE it.

11. cinemas !!!! I love cinemas so much the vibes , the popcorn , the snacks I've snuck in , the way people clap when famous actors come onto screen >>>>

12. friday !!! end of the week , game night , no alarm to wake upto the next day . Friday has it all always. very dear and near to me <333

13.the lover !!!! no one was surprised by this honestly. it's very literally me. I am very much an idealist always looking for love wherever I can find it !!!

q's for uuuu -

which 1d member is your fave ?

top 5 Taylor songs ?

top Shakespeare quote ?

fave Shakespeare play ?

fave modern family character ?

style vs ootw?

cruel summer vs dress ?

fave tay tay lyric ?

controversial opinion you have ?

famous person you hate (not an obvious one like Kanye or John Mayer we all hate them they don't count) ?

sickest burn you've ever given ?

sickest burn you've ever got ?

moment when you wanted to slap liv's face the fuck off ?

moment you've been horrendously jealous ?

(beee beee beee I love u tonnes. sorry I've been so bad with replying. I'm so going back to normal after this I pinky promise. come back soon <3333333 I missed u!!!)

[mr-dwight-dwicky]

Dwight can only stare at Adalet in stunned silence. He's seen the girl use her powers but nothing like this. This is wild and uncontrolled. This is Adalet's terror given form. The fire is catching on things in the room, the curtains, a plush or two. In a flash they are disintegrated by the navy fire. Why does it feel like the room is getting...darker?

"Dwight?"

He jumps at the sound of his name, turning to find Leera sitting beside him. Egan has found his way off the bed and is now curled in her arms, the dragon now on Leera's shoulder. That green eye is looking at him pleadingly, and he swears he sees an inkling of fear there. But is it because of Adalet's flames? Or something else entirely?

Leera reaches over to take Dwight's remaining hand, lacing their fingers together. She could never be afraid of him. She knows who he truly is, and who he is isnt his anger. She knows how much he's come to care for others. She knows he would never hurt those people intentionally.

But she also knows he has made a dire mistake in this moment.

Dwight doesn't have to be told. It takes several moments for him to deduce why Adalet's fire would be that color. Flashes of memories come to mind, of the girl brushing off and snuffing out flames before he could completely catch the hue. But now he sees it completely. And he can't deny what it represents.

He's in a maelstrom of feelings. The fear and uncertainty is threatening to eat him alive. But the longer he watches Adalet and hears her scream, the more he finds himself drowning in guilt.

"Adalet?" Dwight says, his tone completely changed from harsh to soft. "Adalet, I'm so sorry. I promise you're safe. I would never..." I would never hurt you again. Never again. And i would kill anyone who dares to try. "I shouldn't have yelled like that. I shouldnt have said those things."

His change in tone seems to have helped but only slightly. The flames are still towering over them, even though the room seems to be getting darker by the minute.

"Adalet. You have to breath, okay? If you don't get your breathing under control you could pass out. Can you breathe in and out on counts of four? Just in, two, three four. And out, two, three, four." He mimics what hes saying as well, hoping its enough for Adalet to start calming down.

Addie can barely hear anything with the ringing in her ears. Everything feels cold and dark regardless of the flames surrounding her. She feels weak and scared and she cant fucking breathe.

I tried to tell you, turtle dove, says a nasty but oh so familiar voice in her head. No. She should be gone. Injustice can only be answered with justice. Your kindness has become your weakness once more.

No. Thats not true. It can't be true.

He let your Uncle get taken away, and now he has the audacity to blame you? After everything he's done to you? You cannot possibly still believe he is worth saving.

Thats not why I spared him. I didnt do it for him.

Oh? Let me guess. You thought if you didnt let the evil mass murderer get the punishment he deserves that I could never exist? Oh, turtle dove, you are so naive. I am you. Dont you remember what i told you? I am always a possibility.

Dwight's brow furrows. Its like the room is getting darker. Egan clings to his mother as she tries to conjure a flame. However, it extinguishes as if blown out by a strong wind. Or like...its light had been stolen.

"Adalet. Can you hear me at all?" He's afraid to touch her in case it sets her off further. Egan makes a whimpering noise.

You have the button for his anklet, dont you? All you have to do is push it. You have to know its the right thing. He will never change. He may have for a time when your uncle was here, but now your uncle is gone. There is no one to hold him back now.

Addie can just shake her head, more tears falling down her face.

Alright thats enough from you.

Addie's eyes snap open. She knows that voice, even in her darkest moments. "Tallest Purple?"

There's a sound of hissing before Addie can feel the presence of Darth Phoenix disappear. It almost feels like her old mentor is here with her. Holding her.

Holy fuck he is.

Dwight finds himself also flabberghasted. There's a ghost in his fucking space station, and of all the ghost its Adalet's old mentor and someone he spent a great deal of his life hating. He isnt sure how to feel in this moment.

Then those deep violet eyes are narrowed right at him. He's shaking and he cant tell if it's from rage or fear. He does his best not to look away, though. Something tells Dwight if he breaks eye contact he will lose something.

"Call to her again," Tallest Purple tells him. "You seem to have forgotten how much you've hurt her. That pain doesn't just go away, Dwicky. She may be one of the strongest people you know, but remember she is also a fragile young girl."

Addie huffs. "Im not fragile."

Tallest Purple just pats her head before he fade away. "Be glad i dont tell him why the flames are navy blue. Though something tells me he's already figured it out."

Just when Addie is about to retort, the ghost Tallest disappears, the shadows in the room are beginning to recede. The flames are still there, now in Adalet's neutral lavender. She meets Dwight's gaze and begins to tremble.

"Adalet," Dwight says. Its perhaps the gentlest he's ever said her name. He really had forgotten that while Adalet has seen her share of battle and bloodshed, she's still so young, and had had monumental trauma she probably still needs to work through. He makes a note in the back of his mind to find her a good therapist.

He moves a little closer and reaches out his hand. He doesnt move to touch her, letting her be the one to take his hand if she chooses.

Addie hesitates. Can she really do this? She thought she was so much stronger than this. She shouldn't be so affected, right? But something about seeing Tallest Purple made her remember. They all have their dark sides. They all have people they have hurt. And they all are just trying to live.

She doesnt even care as her flames transform back into the navy blue.

Slowly, she reaches for Dwight's hand, and as soon as their fingers touch, the flames are gone.

Dwight holds Adalet's hand for just a moment before letting go, not wanting to make the girl uncomfortable. He clears his throat. "I am...very sorry. I...should not have snapped like that. Not at you."

Addie shook her head. "Im sorry I didnt get here sooner."

Theres a long silence, the air heavy with uncertainty. Leera manages to sooth Egan for the time being before turning a sharp gaze at Tenn. "Where is Johnny. How do we find him?"

[ Previously ]

@tennofficial

Dwight yells as he watches his metal arm be torn apart before his eyes. He screams, the integrated nerves feeling just as painful as when he first lost the arm in the first place. Maybe more. Its like its being burned off little by little.

He makes one last run for Vargas. He doesn't know what he means to do but he also doesnt care. He has to get Johnny back. He cant let Vargas take him!

However, finds himself running into a wall of Egan's nursery. "No," he hisses under his breath. "No, no, no!" He pounds the wall with his fist, leaving a large dent. The vibrations cause the closet door to pop open, and Dwight sees a very familiar blue foot.

"Leera," he breathes, falling to his knees, scrambling over to his partner. She's tied up with some strange material, but it's enough to keep her secure. There's a gag around her mouth, as well. "Hold on, Firefly, I'll get you out I..." He remembers that he is currently missing an arm, but he manages to take the gag away.

"Im so sorry, dearheart," she sobs, her green eye already wet with tears. "The rope it...it's made of something I...I couldnt use my flames. I didnt even see him Im so sorry."

Dwight pulls Leera to him with his remaining arm, shushing her sweetly. "Its not your fault, Firefly, its not your fault." His own voice is getting choked and his eyes burn.

He almost forgot what it felt like to truly lose...

"I got here as soon as i could I couldn't..." Addie rushes into the room, cutting off as she looks around. There's baby Egan with a baby dragon on the bed of the master bedroom, an Irken with pink eyes that Addie cant remember meeting, and there's pieces of metal scatter all over the floor. She looks over at Dwight and Leera. "Where's Uncle Johnny?"

Dwight feels everything at once. Frustration. Rage. Despair. Another person he couldnt save. Another something dear stolen from him. Another moment where he was left alone and no help came. His eyes are like blizzards, cold and deadly as he turns them on Tenn.

"You. Finish untying her," he orders Tenn, indicating Leera. "You try anything else and i will not hesitate to rip your head from your body one handed."

With one hand its hard to get up but he manages, making his way over to Adalet.

"Where. Were. You?" He demands.

"What happened to your arm?" She asks, trying to ignore his tone. "Where's Uncle Johnny?"

"You can thank Vargas for both of those things," Dwight replies, his voice like ice. "You know most people when they get a distress signal they move their ass to get to the trouble."

Addie doesnt like that tone. Something about it is making her stomach twist horribly. "I didn't...I didnt know thats what it was. It was just flashing-"

"What the hell else would it be, Adalet?!" Dwight snaps. "Did you even try to contact me? That's the first thing a supposed genius would do!"

Its hard to breathe. Is Dwight looming over her or is that her imagination? Her ears are ringing. "Dwight...I think you're scaring me." Her voice is too soft for her liking.

"Oh, am I? Am I scaring you, Adalet?" He mocks. He can barely hear Leera pleading something behind him. "Perhaps that could have been avoided if you had FUCKING BEEN HERE WHEN I CALLED FOR YOUR HELP TO STOP VARGAS FROM TAKING JOHNNY!"

There's a high pitched scream that breaks through everything, and an explosion like Dwight has never seen. The room is bathed in deep blue light, produced by the flames now shooting out of Adalet. Dwight's first instinct is to grab Egan, who makes a coo of curiosity. Another burst of navy flame sends Dwight backwards to avoid it, making him land on his backside.

Addie falls to the floor, hands almost squeezing her head and knees curling into her chest. Its like her fear is suddenly a raging animal and it has her pinned. She can't move. She cant speak. The only coming out of her mouth is loud broken sobs.

[carry-on-my-wayward-butt]

So far what has been the worst thing about being pregnant?

oh so much, so equally.

sciatica, making it so i physically cannot walk without excruciating pain, but only at night when i need to get out of bed to piss. (thankfully i am not a type who needs to piss all the time. yet.)

acid reflux, a constant cold burn in my throat unfazed by tums but is ignorable if im constantly drinking something. so my stomach is always full of liquid, which makes the acid worse, so i have to keep drinking so i dont feel it.

i am So Fucking Hungry. “have less food more often! smaller, more frequent meals!” they say. “because your stomach will get smaller as baby grows!” i dont fucking think so babe. yes i can handle it. yes i know baby is growing rapidly and needs the nutrients and thats why my stomach is constantly growling. baby wants the entire meal, and baby wants another in two hours. pay up or perish. (by perish i mean my stomach will growl so loud you go deaf)

speaking of deaf, the sinus pressure has closed up one of my ears. it’ll go away after birth but the other ear has pulsatile tinnitus that i need surgery for because the sinus pressure and increased blood supply pushed my eardrum back, and i need a replacement prosthetic of some bone in my ear that isnt doing its job.

speaking of sinuses, there’s so much fucking blood in my body that sinus pressure causes nosebleeds, a common pregnancy issue. however, because of allergies i already had prior, my sinuses keep all the blood clotting up inside my sinuses. and because of acid reflux, i’m constantly spitting, so it never has time to settle and properly bleed. instead i cough, snort, and spit up 5-8 BLOOD CLOTS. FROM MY SINUSES. per day. some darker and heavier, most smaller and less dense. i am constantly creating suction pressure in my throat to dislodge blood clots from my nasopharynx. i am always snorting.

my tits are disgusting. i have lymphedema in the breasts, rather uncommon, and it has been completely mimicing the symptoms of breast cancer without having any lumps or actual tumors to show for it. anywhere. they’re simply an angry warm red, feel like an orange peel, hard as dried playdough, and the consistency of a memory foam mattress.

“yr areolas will darken uwu!”

and thats just what i hate the MOST.

things that just annoy me include:

always feeling both exhausted and like i NEED to clean everything. everything. all the time. im noticing dirt and mess that i’ve never seen before in my life. im rewashing perfectly clean items because im not the one who washed them initially.

nesting feels itchy. im exhausted midway through organizing the entire bathroom but i Have To keep going. its compulsive. it feels like an actual rat in my brain trying to claw its way out. and i struggle so badly to ignore it because half the shit i want to do cant be done until mid april. and it’s been scratching at me since like january. it kind of hurts.

also i love kicks but the rolls and swishes feel fucking gross, it feels like there’s a goldfish in my stomach just flopping around nastily. it tickles in a gross way.

i have to sleep on a wedge pillow in addition to my C pillow. both help immensely, but im so blocked off from davyn and it makes me sad. i have to tear my little nest apart if i want to cuddle, and then i can’t for very long because he lays down flat, and the aggravates my acid really badly.

horribly vivid dreams. ive never felt more disturbed by my dreams than i have the past few weeks. it feels so real, nothing like a normal weird dream. the concepts are strange but the environment is so convincing. and it’s usually nightmares.

im really forgetful now and its kind of scary. like genuinely scary because it feels like im losing my mind and its bringing up a lot of... gaslighty trauma from when i was a teenager. sometimes my memory is as perfect as usual, sometimes i forget what just came out of my mouth two seconds ago. davyn is really patient when i get scared.

and i have it relatively easy.

i dont have gestational diabetes, which would necessitate an entirely new diet that i KNOW i wouldnt be able to sustain.

i don’t have blood clots, so i dont have to take those awful shots that bruise the injection site so terribly(i took them after my knee surgery, i switched to warfarin because i couldnt stand the shots anymore after only a week).

i dont have cervical insufficiency, which runs in my family and would necessitate a much higher level of care.

i dont have an Rh incompatibility with my baby, which would necessitate a higher level of care but also one of the most painful shots you can get in pregnancy. in the ass cheek.

i didnt have morning sickness AT ALL, just occasional nausea and not even consistently. some people puke multiple times a day and struggle eating anything. for the entire duration.

i don’t have tons of emotional outbursts, i had one breakdown about davyn eating my banana, one about davyn saying “the pillow is my girlfriend now” because i fixated on the word girlfriend, one because i left soda in the freezer and it exploded, and i cry easily over touching youtube videos a little more easily. thats it. 3 breakdowns and a tender heart. over the past 7 months.

i have it quite easy, and most of all im doing this on purpose.

i’ll say it again every time: reproductive choice is a hill i will happily die on. absolutely fucking nobody deserves any of this, least of all people who don’t know its coming and didnt want it anyway.

i wanted this, and im doing it eagerly. i just also hate it and it sucks and im glad it’ll be over soon and i can have my screamy poopy wrinkly baby on the outside where i can actually LOOK at them and HOLD them and know the tangible fruits of my labor. feels like im wading through a sewer to reach some unknown treasure that im praying will still be there when i get to the end.

make sure your birth control timer is set properly. wrap yr meat. stay aware. etc.

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s Daughter (The Teenage Years)

Tony Stark x daughter!reader

warnings:

a/n: this is LONG so please dont let this flop

prompt: y/n is 12-16, takes place from Avengers 1 to Avengers 2

The Early Years (1) The Intense Years (3) The Aftermath (4) Continued (5)

starting out with tony powering stark tower with clean energy:

it was very late, you were supposed to be asleep

“what are you doing up, missy? it’s way past your bedtime”

“it’s my fault, i let her stay up to see her dad’s big achievement” -pepper

just vibing on the couch with absolutely no intention of sleeping anytime soon

you really did take after your dad

“how was the show, sweetheart?”

“uh, cool?”

coulson showing up when he did

you were excited bc you knew he had to be there for superhero stuff

“hi, agent coulson!!”

“hey there, kiddo!

BEGGING to come with your dad

“no. absolutely not. there is absolutely no way im letting you get involved in any of this”

you got involved

but like, not the whole “im a 12 year old superhero” involved

“y/n, sweetie, this is dr. banner, you’re gonna be his assistant in the lab!”

“—what?” *bruce utterly shocked*

talking that man’s ear off oh my GOD

he taught you a few things along the way, though

it ended up being very educational

“yeah i built my own suit! it’s definitely not as cool as my dad’s...and he put a bunch of safety controls on it. obviously, i could bypass them and do whatever i wanted, but it’s best not to break his trust, you know?”

“you are astonishingly wise for a 12 year old”

bruce being kind of scared around you because he thinks he could hurt you

also scared you might hurt yourself on the scepter

CASUALLY talking to the rest of the avengers

“so, you’re stark’s daughter? now i’ve met three generations of starks.” -steve

“oh, wonderful, there’s a smaller one!” -thor

“hey, y/n, it’s good to see you again. still practicing those moves i showed you?” -natasha

listennnn as you got older you started to exert more of your father’s personality traits

you developed his sarcastic and occasionally ill-timed humor...and

YOU WERE COCKY AS FUCK

“i mean, i’m not saying that i’m better than you but i know you’re thinking it”

when the helicarrier was attacked nobody really knew the correct way to protect you

“dad? dad??”

“right here, y/n, come with me”

tony brought your suit for emergency purposes

“you put this on and you stay here, understand?”

oh, another thing you got from him? NOT LISTENING

helping where you could, the first step to becoming a superhero, right?

being really upset when coulson died

but understanding that it was apart of the job

going back to new york for some alien ass kicking and having the whole team check on you every thirty seconds

“y/n, how’s it going?” “stark junior, are you doing okay?” “need any help out there, kid?”

“you guys don’t have to babysit me” “i’m still kickin’ it, thanks”

tony calling right before he went through the wormhole

“hey sweetheart, just gotta let you know that i love you and i am so proud of everything you’ve done”

the avengers holding you back from him when he fell back to the ground because you were unreasonably worried for obvious reasons

“is he breathing? steve? steve, let me see him! JARVIS, are you there?”

falling on the ground and hugging him (with your clunky-ass armor still on)

“hey! yeah, i missed you too”

*clink clink* pat on the back

schwarma stop

“you’re gonna eat it and you’re gonna like it”

having your own input on the stark tower remodel

taking a slight pause for random stuff

you’ve definitely drawn his mustache/goatee on your face before

“please tell me that’s not permanent marker”

“it’s permanent marker”

you and pepper doing mother/daughter things for bonding (but you and her already had a great relationship)

unreasonable amount of cussing from your father has rubbed off onto you and now he doesn’t notice when you say bad words

natasha taught you how to shoot so that was cool

“if i can shoot a repulsor, i think i can shoot a gun”

“whatever you say, baby stark”

obviously the team is just a bunch of protective uncles and an aunt

“i miss [insert avenger here]”

resume to iron man 3

just tinkering in the shop with pops

“are you sure that’s safe, dad?”

“duh, why wouldn’t it be safe?”

you were right and it was not safe

sometimes you proved your dad wrong and it made him happy?

“well would you look at that, you’re right”

learning how to help your dad with his anxiety and panic attacks

the house in malibu got blown up and your dad disappeared

you were benched by pepper effective immediately

“don’t you think it would be better if i were still out there? someone has to be out there and...i don’t know, protect the people?”

“y/n, please, you’re still a kid. i can excuse fighting aliens but i draw the line at terrorism”

“you can excuse fighting aliens??”

pepper sent you to a different house and hired a...babysitter

zip zip zip its AOU time yall remember the beginning of that at the hydra base

*explosion* “oh, shit! didn’t mean to do that...”

“watch your language, y/n!” -cap

“don’t tell my daughter what to do!”

having an external monologue that everyone just kind of rolls with

“glad i put a heater in this suit” “anyone up for burgers?” *humming Eye of the Tiger*

going back to the lab with tony and bruce and being very uncomfortable with the idea of ultron

“okay dad, you know how im usually right?”

“lighten up, kiddo. remember what i taught you about trial and error? this is a learning experience”

*bruce and you side eying*

“i’ll ground you”

“what?!”

“kidding, im kidding”

a lot of kid jokes from other partygoers

“isnt it past your bedtime”

“very funny”

actually dressing up nice for a change, as opposed to an oil-stained band tee

but then ur outfit was ruined because you had to shoot murder bots :(

“not cool! i designed this room!”

tony still got all the blame for ultron while you and bruce went 😬

tony made a joke about ultron being your brother and you didn’t talk to him for hours

“oh, come on! you have to learn to laugh at your mistakes!”

“poor choice of words, stark” -literally everyone

🎶getting to see your worst feaaar🎶

which was a mixture between tony not surviving the wormhole and being abandoned and vulnerable again

your phone got confiscated “because of ultron”

meeting wanda and pietro on better terms

“you are stark’s daughter?”

“um, yeah, that’s me. i sincerely apologize for anything he’s ever done wrong while i’ve been alive”

actually getting along with them (plus you were in a similar age range)

“uncle rhodey!!!”

“staying out of trouble, i hope?”

“define ‘trouble’”

okay okay, enough of that. besides a few robots hitting you and you hitting harder...and ultron taking a couple personal jabs at you after accessing some of your social media accounts...it went back to normal(ish)

you made a friend of wanda and visited the avengers compound weekly and helped with training

and nat gave you some spy pointers to help you if you ever found yourself without the suit

when you left the compound after thor that day, you had some nice father/daughter time

“why don’t i give you a driving lesson, yeah?”

“you’re gonna trust me to drive this thing?”

“sure, why not?”

you drove very fast, wonder where you learned that from

he was clasping onto the seats and whispering curse words

“next time, you can drive with happy”

[littlebigafterdark]

patton's asthma attack and finally agreeing to try therapy

content warnings: hurt/comfort, detailed description of asthma attack, very brief mention of past eating disorder, crying (i always hav that tho)

i copy pasted this from mine and livs discord convo so thats why it might be formatted weird and i swear a lot also if you see "hhh yeah" then thats liv commenting hshshsh

patton has had a cough the past few days because BASICALY since priscilla (remys cat) visited hes been more breathless with his asthma but he didnt tell anyone bc he doesnt want to worry them or make it so vee never get to see priscilla again if she cant visit anymore

so his asthma is acting up but he ignores it - and hes had asthma cough for a couple days (which is a sign of an incoming asthma attack) but again hes ignoring it, hes so used to brushing off symptoms he doesnt click what it means and he diesn ttake his inhaler when he needs it

WAAAHH oh fuck oh my god oh god wait fuck i just realised

the moment patton gets his asthma attack its saturday afternoon, roman is little and playing with logan and vee isnt quite little yet but fae's on faer way there, fae is very giggly and playful and patton says "okay babygirl, lets go get you changed!"

and when he gets up from the couch he takes a moment to cough and just stand still a sec bc he got suddenly dizzy but he pushed through it to not worry vee, and he actually usually lifts her onto his hip straight away, but this time he very subtly is like "okay hold daddys hand while we walk to the stairs"

so they get to the stairs and patton of course lifts vee up, and theyre only a few steps up when pattons breathing gets really heavy. it makes vee frown and look at him and say "daddy am i heavy?"

and patton smiles and shakes his head, because hes too breathless to speak. but he pushes through and hurries up as fast as possible

once theyre at the top of the stairs, patton is wheezing. his chest is rattling and whistling and he suddenly loses his smile and quickly hurries away from the stairs to place vee gently on the hallway floor, and as soon as vee is safe patton wobbily sinks to his knees and leans his head against the wall. his eyes shut tight trying so so hard to breath but its realy whistly now

and vee of course panics. "dady? papa are you okay??" and whimpers when patton doesnt react and clutches at his chest

and it throws her out of her semi regression. she jumps up and hurries downstairs, a little wobbily but ultimately fine. and she speints to where logan and riman are and yells "daddys h havin a panic attack!" and instantly starts crying

logan and roman were in the middle of a game and smiling and laughing but as SOON as they hear that they jump into action. logan runs out of the room to go to patton and roman grows up and runs to vee and lifts her up to shush her cries and calm her down - they dont even share a single look before they do this, they both just instinctively know what to do

and logan of course finds patton and realises its an asthma attack not a panic attack - he goes into his emergency like emotionless mode where he just gets the job done. he asks clearly where patton keeps his inhaler and patton just shakes his head. so logan alarmed asks "you dont have a reliever inhaler??" and patton winces and shakes his head again.

logan sprints to his room into his bedside drawer to find tthe inhaler he keeps for emergencies double checking it hasnt expired

he sits with his legs around patton, patton leaned back agains his torso, and puffs pattons inhaler for him and times the attack and the puffs (knowing that if it isnt better after ten puffs and fifteen minutes they have to call an ambulance) and using his own deep breaths against pats back to help him recalibrate his breathing

luckily it only lasts 8 and a half minutes and 8 puffs - but logan is so so shaken about the fact that that was very close to requiring medical assistance, he had his ohone out ready to dial 911

once pattons attack is over he's finally breathing, short and deep at first gasping in the oxygen, but within a few more minutes of sitting against logan it slows down and is much calmer. hes very shaky because the reliever inhaler does that to you, and weak from the tax on his body, so logan helps him up into their nearest bedroom (pattons)

at first he calls roman to swap places with him and watch over patton hust so logan can change vee into a diaper since she regressed from fear as soon as roman picked her up and obv he cant change her diaper

so roman sits with patton while logan does that and roman is actually really quiet and awkward and nervous, just looking wide eyed at patton and hugging himself.

and patton feels bad abt that and whispers "its okay little prince, daddys not hurt. im sorry for scaring you, honey" and roman just chews his lip and nods and looks down and they dont talk again until logan is back and roman goes out to take care of vee and logan comes in to lie with patton and rub his chest soothingly

logan is distressed and frustrated and shaken at that point but he knows not to have their conversation until the next day bc patton will be emotionally and physically exhausted

but the next day they have a serious talk - logans pretty ANGRY that patton was so ignorant of his wellbeing that he didnt refill his inhaler, patton brushes it off but logan says its a good thing he secretly kept one for patton (bc he almost suspected this might happen)

it rly hits patton when logan tells him if he had needed anymore puffs than he took they wouldve had to phone an ambulance - like patton not wanting to worry his family by admitting his asthma was acting up backfired way more and has made them worry even more because he had a full attack that could have gone so much worse

the whole conversation is VERY stern and serious even at the start when patton smiles and chuckles and jokes and brushes it off logan just gets frustrated and upset. logan is SO angry literally he is glaring at patton when patton brushes it off and makes jokes abt it and he snaps.

logan actually very seriously tells patton this is self harm and patton goes WHAT nonono no its not i dont know why youre getting so worked up

and logan fucking SNAPS like "Youre not giving your body what it needs to survive because you dont think your worth that!! you're neglecting your basic needs to the point of needing urgent medical care, doesnt that sound familiar??? doesnt that sound like something we've both been through before???" clearly referencing his eating disorder

and pattons eyes go wide and he profusely apologises hes like im so sorry oh my gosh logan honey im sorry did i trigger you im sorry and logans just like STOP APOLOGISING this isnt about me its about you!

and he sso angry bc he thought they trusted each other but the fact that patton didnt tell him when he literally couldnt breathe is so scary to logan

but that is basically an argument bc logan was so fucking worried and devastated that patton has ignored his health to such an extent and vee gets nervous bc both her and roman can hear them yelling and she thinks the cgs will breakup bc they "had a fight"

but once theyre finished talking and vee shakily asks if theyre not gonna be a family anymore they'll of course comfort faer and talk abt it, its not a fight its a disagreement and mummys and daddys have those sometimes. theyre still a family and they still love each other very very much. they all soend their family day together as usual, though patton isnt as able to get up and play with roman understandably

also the fact this all comes around the same week patton and logan tell vee that janus wants to babysit, thats why patton has been absent from the blog recently i guess bc hes been keeping busy trying to work through his feelings of janus wanting to come in

hhh yeah... the way it lines up to patton's other insecurities abt janus coming into the family and it all just piles on too much all at once

so on monday morning logan goes with patton to get more inhalers and they actually stay out for while like they go to a forest or smth just to be alone and help patton recenter a little - he's always loved being in nature, it really brings him a lot of peace, being in nature is really the best way to keep patton grounded from his dissociation, thats why hes always gardening

and logan doesnt want to be angry at him and he knows patton needs support and comfort atm even is patton doesnt think he does so they have a calm day just being together and logan trying to remind patton that hes there for him

HHH stop bc they YEAH bc they kinda had a fight even though it did get 'resolved' but they needed to take time to reconnect their energies and like show each other (and specifically logan show patton) that their love is still secure and their friendship is still strong - just the quiet care of logan taking patton somewhere they can just be alone without responsibilities

secretly patton was rlly upset that logan got angry with him but he didnt show it but logan KNOWS him and he knows he needs to fix it with queality time (pats love lang) because pattons been alone a lot recently, its just been that he keeps busy and accidentaly distanced himself bc the others would all be busy and hanging out in some way and he fet a bit abandoned but yeah logan is dedicating the whole day to him

and patton does end up talking abt his inner turmoil a little but not until theyre like in the middle of the forest and hes a lot calmer and theres no one around, he just feels so much calmer and safer in nature to open up like that.

and this is when patton tells logan about his worries about janus becoming closer to vee, and how its lovely for them but what if it hurts vee, what if they dont get along, what if they DO get along and vee wants to move back with janus. Logan doesnt say anything to the worries, he knows patton just needs to blurt them out while he can, while it mixes with the sounds of nature.

then patton mentions quietly that dr picani phoned him a couple weeks ago and told him that he would like to offer patton a trial session of therapy - not with vee, just patton. logan very calmly asks if that sounds like sometnging that might be helpful for patton and patton just giggles nervously "um i dont know. Vee has therapy"

logan frowns. "yes she does. but that doesnt mean you cant have it too, if you would like it"

patton goes quiet and looks anxious, scratching at the moss on the log theyve sat down on. so logan takes his hand and looks very earnestly at him and says gently "i would like you to at least accept the trial session. It is your decision but... i think it might be worth a try"

patton nods a little, just looking at their intertwined fingers. and after a long silence where they can just hear the birds tweeting and the wind rustling the leaves and small animals scurrying along the grass, patton finally looks up at logan and breathes "i'll go to therapy"

and when patton says that out loud suddenly his eyes well up and he sees logan smile at him - a little sad and a lot proud - and feels his hand squeeze and the tears just dont stop coming and he hides his eyes but laughs nervously like haha dont know why im crying this is so silly! but logan doesnt say anything to it, he just pulls patton into his side and rests his head on pattons head...

and patton keeps trying to laugh and joke but its so choked and sad and nervous and wet and logan wraps his other arm around patton too and just grntly whispers "pumpkin, its okay if youre not happy right now."

and patton just starts sobbing into logans shoulder and logan holds him so tight as they sit on the log

patton cant cope with silence when its about him yknow, he couldnt handle logan not laughing or tutting at his jokes so he just kept joking until logan insisted its ok to be sad

so once they get home logan sits with pstton while he phones dr picani and books his first solo therapy session for friday morning

[hitsuackerman]

Unpredictable (Overhaul x Reader) pt. 2

a/n: I AM GARBAGE FOR THIS MAN. HE IS VILE AND MERCILESS BUT IF HE ISNT CRAZY... HES A CLASSY AND WELL-SPOKEN BIRD BOY. ehem on with the second part ehem

warnings: cursing

Links: part 1, part 3

Masterlist to my other fics: here :)

The night was now settled and you were locked in your room. Papers and folders all spread out on your desk and bed. If you were to venture into this case, you would have to know the details you had missed out on.

By now, your butt was aching and so did your back. Glancing at the other piles of folders, you counted how many cases you were working on at the same time. If there was one thing the chief loved to give you, it was more work than you could finish.

As of the moment, you were in charge of 9 other cases. Some related to large scale companies and others identity frauds. Though the cases were now generic for the 6 years you’d been working with the force, it was and will always be draining.

This mission with Overhaul felt like a breath of fresh air. The risks presented here were much higher compared to normal but you were more than prepared, at least you hoped you were. Truth be told, this wouldn’t be the first time you teamed up with a villain. That was your secret as to why you moved up so fast. Every now and then, you would propose a compromisation and in turn they would help you catch your target. You did, however, avoid this as much as possible.

Ruffling your hair, you gathered the mess and prepared for Gei’s arrival.

When he did arrive, the solemnity of your apartment faded. And you did not mind one bit.

“BABY GIRL!” He twirled his neon pink purse in the air as he entered himself into your apartment. His other hand carried the necessities for the night. “Okay. I got the food and the booze. I also bought my silk pajamas we use for occasions like this.”

“Mine are ready. Don’t worry.” You giggled at the sight of a toned man unloading the contents of the bag with a pinky up. “I also prepared the movies we could watch for tonight. AND, I already informed Nao to not call me for the rest of the night.”

“Okay, alright, mhmm. Imma go change into my silkies and you do you.” He said as he trotted towards the guest room. When the door closed, you began to prepare the dinner you had planned for the both of you.

Gei was never a picky eater but it was always a challenge to make sure he was well fed. Compared to you, his eating habits were much more constant. Healthier even since he usually counted his calories because he wanted to keep his waist ‘snatched’. He had told you beforehand that he was in the mood for some chicken. Luckily, you had the ingredients for grilled bruschetta chicken.

Prepping everything, you began to heat your tiny grill and sliced the tomatoes and garlic. The sound of the chopping eventually replaced with the speakers blasting Todrick Hall. Shaking your head with amusement, you went about with the preparations while your friend arranged the sofa.

Not long after, dinner was now ready and both of you were now seated at the dining table. Chatting about whatever came to your heads. A few gossips of heroes here and there but mostly about your work and his. Sip by sip, the wine bottle slowly emptied. Gei always knew the best wines out there. You would always praise him and he would merely pout his lips and wiggle his brows.

Stomachs full, Gei demanded he do the dishes while you wait for him at the sofa. It had been quite some time since you took the time off. Stretching your joints, you gathered your hair into a messy bun and dusted off imaginary dust on your silk pajamas. Taking some bowls from underneath the coffee table, you filled them up with chips and placed the wine inside the chiller. When everything seemed ready, you flopped back onto the sofa and turned the TV on.

A knock on your door caused you to jump a bit. Looking at the clock, it was now 9pm. Grabbing your phone, there were no messages or missed calls. You also didn’t recall ordering anything this week. Walking towards the door, you took a look at Gei who was finishing up the last of the plates.

Looking through the peephole, you let out a rather loud gasp.

“Oh fuck no.” You took a step backward and ran towards the kitchen. Grabbing Gei by his wrist, you pulled him out of his trance and dragged him to the living room. Practically throwing him to the sofa, he stared at you with wide eyes.

“Boo, I know your as virgin as the spinster next door but I am a gay man and I do not intend on taking you tonight.” He commented.

“He’s here.”

Another knock filled the room. It was still soft but a bit louder than before.

“Girl?! Did you call in Magic Mike?!” He began to bounce up and down while fanning himself.

“More like Germaphobe Gus.” You motioned for him to stay on the couch and remain quiet. Walking towards the door once more, you slowly opened it only to be met with the bird mask again. The green jacket and purple fur did not compliment his eyes. “What can I do, Overhaul? You could’ve dropped me a message you know.”

“I have something to discuss with you.” His eyes travelled behind you and back at you. “May I come in? Or do I have to usher myself?”

Stuttering a response, you grunted and moved to the side. The towering man slowly made his way in. Taking in the rather luxurious decorating your small hallway had to offer. Waiting for you to take the lead, you led him to the living room. When your eyes met with Gei, you signalled him to head on to the guest room.

Understanding what you meant, Gei took his wine glass and cat walked to his room. He stopped in his tracks when he saw the tall man behind you. Making a gesture with his hand, he threw his imaginary wig and winked at you. He was no idiot, though. He knew who it was. For precautions, he left his door 3 inches open.

“That’s why you should’ve told me, Overhaul.” You gestured for him to sit down. When you saw his eye twitching at the spot you pointed to, you let out a sigh and reached for the fur patch behind you. Putting it on the spot, you watched as he stared at the tan material. “That has been newly laundered so I guarantee it’s clean. Now either you develop varicose veins or sit down. I could care less.”

He finally took a seat. This was a rare sight, you had to admit. Overhaul, a class-B villain, sitting on a fur rug while staring at a bottle of wine.

“So what do you have?”

“The boss of the Fukuo Kai will be attending a gala in 3 days time.”

“And you got that how?” You raised a brow and tilted your head.

“None of your business.” He leaned on the sofa and his eyes began to wander every inch your place had to offer. “I’ll have Mimic send the invitation when we get a hold of it. You will be informing your partner about this, right?”

“Yeah. I have to.” You nodded and eyed his bird mask again. “Do you always wear that thing?”

“It’s to block the horrid air the world has to offer.” He said in a deadpan voice. You wanted to laugh at his remark but it would probably lead to nothing good. Stifling a giggle, his eyes darted to yours. “Laugh if it pleases you. The world we live in is vile and sick. People have this so-called hero-syndrome to them that makes me want to puke. Tch. To think that quirks come from rats.”

“You do know that’s only a theory, right?” You did not mean to challenge him but he was interesting to talk to, admittedly.

“It’s a theory that disgusts me to the core.” He was about to say something but changed his mind. Instead, he decided to shift the focus to you. “You talk so casually with me. Aren’t you scared? I could send you to oblivion with a single flick of my finger.”

“I guess I’m immune to it?” You answered with a question. “I’ve been with the police force for 6 years now and I’ve had my fair share of villains. You know Kuraim? That dude who thought he could take over Nagoya with his little group?”

“He was annoying. He came into contact with the previous boss and asked for assistance. When he was declined he took out a few of our men.”

“Oh shit, that was your group! I totally forgot about that. But, yeah. He was a nutjob but my team managed to capture him a week after that.”

“Your name wasn’t featured in the news. It was another inspector’s. Why?” His fingers were not linked with each other and his back leaning on the plush throw pillow.

“I’m linked with the Abegawa Tenchu Kai. If my name gets released to the public, those nosy reporters would definitely put two and two together. I prefer to keep it low key though. Less media, the better.”

“I see.” He stood up and bowed. “I must get going. I have disturbed your evening.”

“IT’S FINE BABY BOY!” Gei shouted from the room. Face palming at his remark, you took Overhaul by the end of his jacket. Your index and thumb delicately tugging him towards your door.

His eyes widened when he saw you holding his clothes. But with how clean your apartment was, he brushed it off and let you do things your way. Though, he would have to burn this jacket or dispose of it one way or another. Not noticing you had turned around, his face still had that perplexed yet pissed off look to it.

Realizing that you were invading his personal space, you apologized and let go of the inch of fabric you had held on to.

“You’re surely going to throw that, aren’t you?” You teased. A small smirk forming in the corners of your mouth.

“I just might.” He retorted as he stared with disgust. A thought came to his mind. “Or not.”

Taking his jacket off, you stared at how his broad shoulders moved as he removed the article of clothing. The black dress shirt hugged his toned arms rather well. The pale gray tie around his neck matched his overall appearance pretty well. He had taste, save for the jacket. Unless that jacket had sentimental value so it would make sense why.

Your sight turned black for a second before you were face to face with him. The rather heavy jacket resting on your forearms.

‘Holy hell, his cologne smells divine.’ You cursed yourself for breathing in at the perfect time. Either the wine was hitting you but his scent reminded you of mayoram and geranium. Exotic and expensive.

“Keep it.” You swore he was smirking underneath that mask. “Either that or I overhaul it.”

“For an antisocial person, you sure know how to charm people…” You thought out loud.

“Not really. I’m just putting it to where it belongs.” He opened the door for himself. “The garbage.”

Your jaw dropped and before you could retaliate, he had closed the door. Locking your doors harshly, you went back towards the living room and were met with Gei. One leg resting on the other. The same glass of wine on his hand accompanied with a rather mischievous glint in his gray eyes. Taking a sip, he exaggerated ‘ahh’ after swallowing the beverage.

“You into villains now, booboo?” He teased as he pointed to the same spot Overhaul had sat down on. The way you flopped on the sofa and tossed the jacket on to the arm rest only made him even more curious. “You’re working with Overhaul?”

His tone was serious but you knew he was in full gossip mode. You didn’t mind telling Gei these things though. He knew how to protect himself and your dad also kept tabs on him to make sure he was safe.

“That’s what I wanted to talk about. The mission I’m currently partaking involves that guy you just saw.” You explained. Absentmindedly, you reached for the jacket and began feeling for any sort of recording chips or video cameras. Deeming it safe, you placed it beside you and began to twirl the purple fur. “I get why they're doing this but it just sucks that I have to meddle with the yakuza. It’s none of my business and it puts my job at risk.”

“What does Nao-nao say about all this?”

“He says I’m the only one fit for the job. I’ve caught up on the details they gathered and he makes a point, sadly. My only problem now is the person I have to work with. It’s a miracle in itself I keep my grounds with him.”

“What personality does he have?” He took a sip of his wine and leaned in closer.

“The records I have from a year ago state he’s an antisocial sociopath. I’ve never dealt with a lot of villains who had those. Most of them were just lost or goal driven to a bizarre or lost cause.”

“He was rather smooth when talking to you. He looks clean as well.” He raised an eyebrow and cocked his head. “He’ll surely see you as a challenge, boo.”

“What do you mean?” You reached for your glass and poured it half full.

“If I recall, during your conversation, he asked you if you were intimidated. Scared. The answer you gave him surely bothered him. It would go against his personality if he were the least intrigued by you.” He pointed out.

Gei had a point. If you saw him as an enigma, he probably saw you as a pawn in his game. One way or another, he would surely make a move and try to manipulate you. Though you were aware of the signs of subtle manipulations, Overhaul had a different way of handling things. This meeting with Gei proved right. You needed to move with greater caution.

“BUT!” He snapped. “He looks like a full course meal, am I right? A five Michelin star meal served in only the finest china the world has to offer.”

Speechless at how he had described Overhaul, you shook your head and took a long sip.

“Don’t sip away from me, missy.” He stretched out his leg and poked you with his curled toes. “Don’t think I didn’t see you checkin’ him out. And I bet my plump ass that wasn’t the first time you eyed him…”

“You’re delusional.” You rolled your eyes.

“What does his jacket smell like? He probably wears some expensive ass shit that lasts 24 hours. Those that only have limited stocks to them or costs the rent of this whole unit.” He pushed you a bit with a little more force with his leg. “Don’t lie to me, dollface.”

Hissing at his remark, you slumped your shoulders and folded your legs. Grabbing the throw pillow and using it as a small table.

“Fine. He smells expensive. You’re right.” You broke down and the smug look on his face only told you to expand your answer. “And yes, I may have checked him out when I went to their headquarters to finalize the plan.”

“And what are you going to do with that jacket of his?” He stretched out his hand and you gave it to him. His mouth formed a small ‘o’ at the weight of it. Sniffing it, he let out a humming sound and placed it on his arm rest. Petting the fur as if it were some small animal. “He does smell like a hefty price tag.”

“I’ll probably just store it somewhere. I might need it in the future.”

“True. You will be extra careful now, won’t you?” He was now staring straight into you. Concern showing in his features. Extending a hand to you, you held on to it and he squeezed it. “Let’s say a silent prayer to our savior, Queen Todrick, to keep your virgin ass safe from the man whom we know as Overhaul. Amen~”

Giggling at his antics, you repeated his last words. The rest of the night was spent watching movies and munching on chips. When the time came where it was close to 4am, the lights were now off and both of you were in your respective rooms. The curtains to your window open. Faint hues of yellows, oranges, and reds, filled your room.

Your eyes landed on the top shelf of your closet, his jacket resting peacefully. The strong intoxicating scent still clung to you. Every breath you took, you could smell him on clothes and your shirt. Brushing the incoming fantasies away, you buried your face in your pillow and somehow managed to force yourself to sleep.

Waking up to the scent of bacon and eggs were heavenly. The small headache would surely disappear after a hearty and greasy breakfast early in the morning. Arranging your sheets, you fixed your hair and went to the kitchen.

“Good morning to you.” Gei greeted. His back facing you as he flipped the bacon. “Sleep well?”

“Yeah.” You yawned. “Better than most nights. Thanks for crashing, Gei.”

“Always a pleasure, booboo. I also prepped some egg sandwiches for Nao-nao. You are heading to the precinct right?” He glanced at you over his shoulder. A small smile forming on his lips when he saw your half awake half asleep state. The sun’s rays emphasizing the messy strands on your bed hair.

Another knock echoed through your unit. Groaning as to who it could be, you lazily stood up and walked towards the door. Gei peaking in the corner with a suspicion as to who it was. When you opened the door, you frowned and looked at both sides. There was no one.

A small voice cleared their throat. Looking down, you saw a tiny black creature wearing a bird mask. In his hands was an envelope. He kept his word and really did send an invite.

“The boss sent me out to hand this to you.” He tossed the invitation directly at your face. “Better count yourself lucky he’s following your terms.”

“Send him my thanks.”

“Whatever.” He answered as his small feet took him farther away from your door.

Back in your kitchen, Gei had now set the table and laid out the food. He was scrolling on his phone when you sat across from him. Your fingers busy with the square fancy envelope given to you.

“What’s that?” He asked as he put his phone down and began to place food on each of your plates.

“It’s the invitation to that gala he mentioned last night. He sent out one of his workers to hand over this thing.” Your eyes busy scanning over the program details. Taking a look at the envelope, there was a small card. Dropping it on your palm, you saw how it was an RSVP. Flipping it, a small message with neat penmanship told you to call when you would receive it.

Taking your phone from your pocket, you hit dial on the unknown number that had called you yesterday. Gei was all ears as he chewed on his food.

“I take it you received the invitation?” Overhaul immediately asked when he picked up. “I will let you decide as to who your plus one will be. Feel free to call when you’ve chosen.”

“You’re being awfully cooperative, Overhaul.” You commented.

“I lost at the game and I gave you my word. I trust that you will do your end of the bargain as well. If I recall, you stated that this benefits me more than it does to you. Opportunities like this are rare. Might as well take advantage of it while it’s for the taking.” He answered. “Dress appropriately, (Y/N).”

With that he ended the call. Tossing your phone to your couch, you returned the invitation inside the envelope and began eating.

“So…” Gei  nudged your leg from under the table. “Who will be your plus one?”

“I’ll have to talk about this with Tsukauchi first. I don’t fully trust him so we’ll be doing some check ups on the people invited to this gala. But, if it soothes you, I plan on using Overhaul. At least his quirk is useful in case something arises.”

“Yeah. Sure~”

----

if you want to be tagged in part 3 :) feel free to leave a comment :)

[tylerwritez]

Hey guys its uhhh Saturday July 3rd 2021 9:53 a.m.

I literally got 1-2 hours of sleep •_• because I was up into the earliest hours of the morning talking to Jay and Ariel.

... Its homophobic that Jay was away /j :P and not in my room that night because... how do I say this without saying too much... he turns me on, simple. He's in LEDUC. DUDE. COME BACK I WANT TO FUCK YOU /HJ

I told him this before you guys, but my brain does this thing where it randomly sends me back to some memory and I have to live through the feelings yknow? And I twitch a bit. Well my brain has been sending me back to almost entirely memories of him now. And it's. Not even funny. My crush on him grows...

Oh well, I'm patient.

The forums last night were as usual, unhelpful. My dad looks at me as if I'm a tragedy, as if my skin is a crime scene, and we have a total of *drumroll* TWO COMMENTS! One of them was okay in helpfulness. They mostly just wanted to write about their tattoo cover up of their scars but. They were right about how you are the only person who gets to decide what you think about your scars.

If he thinks of me like that... doesnt mean I HAVE to think of my own self that same way.

So true.

Next person said maybe he doesnt think I'm damaged, maybe hes just gawking at the damage done to me?? And how he couldnt stop it?

And like isnt that the same thing honestly.

Oh hey, yeah I gotta tell you about TODAY. not yesterday or last night.

Well uhm I just woke up on my BEDFRAMELESS BED Cos they packed it and left me with the MATRESS xD (I wonder if this is their way of cockblocking me /j)

I got ready and uh I was told like, GET THE FUCK UP DUDE WE R GOING TO THE LAKE RIGHT FUCKING NOWWW

So I'm rushing 2 get ready... well not really rushing. I don't rush. I was getting ready. I go to brush my hair and theres NO BRUSH. ITS BEEN PACKED???? WHAT???

I did my best with what I had on hand and then we left

I'm in the car with my friend and annoying ass sister right now and I got music on

We got Tim Hortons (muffin + ice capp) for breakfast (already over my cal limit... •_• as if that's getting followed nowadays)

lol I dont usually eat breakfast tho so I'll try to skip lunch or have a light lunch, so it doesn't mess me up.

Right now as we are driving to the lake... it's mostly canola fields. Theres lots of canola grown where I'm from lol, just drive a little bit out and you'll see the fields and fields of bright yellow like millions of little highlighters sticking up from the grass. I cant make them out individually though... still waiting on those contact lenses.

Again, I'm patient.

I don't think we're super far out... I mean theres still lots of cars, signs, farms, roadside ads, trees, uh, shrubs, and if we WERE further out the land would be more bare... #grassland #praries #Alberta

Also the sun just makes everyhting look more alive.

Oh NOO IM DESCRIBING THE SCENERY... boring!

Idk. There isn't much to discuss, I'm just listening to music because I'm content with just that. If I come up with anything funny/Insightful(?) I'm gonna make a twitter draft.

10:17 a.m, signing off temporarily,

Judas/Jude Shepard.

4:25 p.m.

We got to the lake, talked, got ice cream, talked, went in the #water... lake stuff.

My friend was gushing over this guy and like...  DILF. IF YOU SAW HIM... xD of course I'm just looking though. He just had big pecs which is attractive to me, and the overall build with these broad shoulders XD.

Tbh? I know me and Jay are TECHNICALLY not dating, but I feel like I'm dedicated to him. That's probably because of my crush on him but oh well.

I just keep thinking horny thoughts it's a plague within my brainnnnn and I know its his fault

I did end up asking him but by then he had already logged off so.... he'll respond soon and I gotta be ready. It appears that my mom is signing up for a Christian dating app... we'll see how that goes.

As for Jay's responding, I'll just tell him nevermind.

Anwyays we are headed back, possibly to the bookstore, possibly home.

I KNOW I talk a lot about the same things but that's because I'm infatuated with them.

I'm infatuated with... him.

I think of him in my mind and bam instant horny

I'll try to think of soemthing else,,, this is. Uh. Inconvenient right now.

I'll keep updating you though lol.

Hope I'm not annoying talking about Jay all the time.

I AM doing other stuff, I have a life. I just... I guess I unintentionally highlight certain parts a lot.

11:55 p.m.

IM EXHAUSTED GODDAMNIT MY DAD WAS MAD AT me...

... I wanted to ask to go to my friends house tommorowbut my dad is pissed at me for... closing my door??? dude omg hes like “what were you doing for two hours with the door closed” uhm reading? on my phone? jacking off? im a normal person lol. i said reading and on my phone which IS true and he said”sure...” all  sarcastic WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?? YEAH I JACKED OFF???? stfu

hes not even mad at me hes mad cos my mom is goign on a date lolDONT TAKE IT OUT ON ME STFU

I'm dead.

So I didnt ask cos I was scared shitless lmaooo but I have an appointment anwyays so it works out.

I just read a bunch of this comic called outcast. That's it really. Now I'm gonna sleep after I post to twitter a bit...

ALSO I asked Jay finally about uh. Yeah. Scarring. and he said beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He said I was hot but then he said that on the other hand it feels weird when he runs his hands over them, but in general, he loves me.

So he said "I don't care if you have scars or not, you're still you"

I love him honestly hes so supportive.

I admit I'm a bit sad thinking they feel weird but honestly? Yeah. They do. I felt up my leg where the scars are to check and it feels like hard ribs/ridges to the touch of a hand but he still thinks I'm pretty so I'm not gonna let the scars get me down. Cos I'm still me. It's just scars. Doesn't affect anything.

:,)

Also erin found a hagstone!!!

Gn,

Jude Shepard

[nonagesiimus]

literally all the horror questions

LMFAOOO thanks matt

Halloween: Favorite horror movie of all time?

SCREAM i think billy and stu are so fun

Scream: What horror movie do you think you’d be able to survive in?

i do not! maybe jennifers body since shes mostly just killing teenage boys and i am not a teenage boy. like i think it would have to be a situation where i am just not on the killers radar bc honestly? honestly? im not fucking like, outwitting michael or some shit

Child’s Play: How and when did you get into horror movies?

okay i was a weirdly nervous kid and was too scared to do anything that might make me get scared, like i would leave school early on the halloween party days bc i didnt like all the masks, so i avoided horror for a really long time, but for some reason when i was like sixteen i REALLY wanted to watch hannibal so i got the dvd from my library and was then obsessed

The Witch: Scariest horror movie you’ve ever seen?

probably the blair witch project. i dont normally get like actual physical anxiety when i watch horror but this movie made me feel tense as fuck. the original reason i wanted to watch it was that i was reading one of stephen kings books about writing/horror and he mentioned in it that the first time he tried to watch it he had to ask his son to turn it off like halfway through bc it was freaking him out too bad and i was like omg. i have to know what goes on in the movie that fucked up stephen king

Poltergeist: What are some horror movies on your watch list?

carrie (forgot to watch it after i finished the book back in march), some of the other saw movies now that the first one has me fucked up, the other texas chainsaw massacres, the exorcist (which i should also read at some point), and whatever those fucking like classic zombie movies are that im blanking on the names of rn

Friday the 13th: Least favorite horror movie?

nightmare on elm street was bad! tbh i thought freddy sucked shit before i even watched it but like. hes really just a pathetic little man isnt he. i dont care about any of the people in that movie. wes craven you did scream so good how did you fuck this one up

Psycho: When was the last time you watched a horror movie?

literally last night when i watched saw for the first time which FUCKED by the way i would literally watch saw again right now. this is an adam stanheight account from now on

Rosemary’s Baby: Favorite sub-genre of horror?

i mean. slashers. obviously. they take up a lot of my blog i think. but thats really just for movies like, horror books that try to read like slashers tend to be Not Good, so i guess my favorite sub genre for books is whatever tf the shining had going on. haunted house shit. CONCEPTUALLY ive been obsessed with spatial horror lately but im just obsessed in a Thinking About Things sort of way and not so much in a consuming things sort of way

The Exorcist: If you were able to make your own horror movie villain, what would you call them + what would they be like?

oh good fucking question a while ago @thegrandmarsh and i were sort of generally talking about a couple slasher ocs that i forgot to do anything with bc i am bad at maintaining ocs. i dont know how people do it. but generally speaking when i try to do slasher ocs i come up with these traits: they are a little shit, they live someplace very cold, they either already have a partner or try to convince someone to become their partner, and they have some kind of proclivity for stalking. they're also USUALLY a white boy because white boys just love serial killing. they have the entitlement necessary. god i saw someone on tik tok the other day draw their slasher oc and i really should have saved the video

Frankenstein: What’s an underrated horror movie, in your opinion?

RED DRAGON i like red dragon so much more than silence of the lambs. like i think silence is a good movie if we all agree to ignore the transphobia for two hours or whatever but like. i care so much more about dolarhyde than i do about buffalo bill, like, fundamentally. its not even that i think hes a more interesting villain (i do) but like i CARE about him as a PERSON. i get it we all subscribe to the hugh dancy will graham school of thought now but i promise if we can all just accept this blonde will then we can have so much fun with this movie. francis eats a painting. okay

A Nightmare on Elm Street: Favorite horror franchise?

HALLOWEEN i literally like. okay honestly i think TWO of the halloween movies are worthwhile and the rest are like. i simply do not need these, but i give the little ted talk i have in my head about what i think are the Five Michael Canons like every time im bored pacing around my room so its definitely the franchise that i think about the most. and i love michael so much

[stray-tori]

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP 

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS 

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS 

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE 

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

No

NO

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :((( 

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more 

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message 

why 

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

[mousehole5000]

tgcf again chapters 174-191. im now midway through book 4. pain and suffering. and yet also.... this is really good.... but also.... pain...

okay cave of ten thousand gods everythings coming out into the light.... xie lian pretending not to hear fengqing drop their act im emotional..... fengqing silently working together to separate xie lian and hua cheng im emotional..... every word that comes out of mu qing’s mouth im emotional....

honestly reading the xianle trio discussing hua cheng.. its very hard for me NOT to project all the times ive been in a friendship trio and someone got a boyfriend the other two didnt like (which was every time. theres never been a bf everyone liked. sometimes i was the one who had the bf. there were no winners then and tbh i predict there will be no real winners here as far as this friendship goes but such is life)

mu qing is so smart he’s clever he’s tricksy i love it i love him ugh

“A pair of arms had circled around him from behind, and hugged him with force all of a sudden. Xie Lian had buried his face in his back, and also didn’t speak. Though nothing was said, it was enough.” okay i cant get into every different way im feeling about whats going down bc it would get Too Personal but this..... im emo. also xie lian saying “something like this has to be said clearly“ and then proceeding to not say a word just going in for a hug is a mood

“He heard Hua Cheng’s staggering voice coming from above. “...Your Highness. You really…will be the death of me.” - ok well DONT SAY THAT!! now im worried!!!

“Hua Cheng, however, only snorted, appearing as if his eyes could see through the thick rocky walls. He said darkly, “Don’t worry. If he kills one, I’ll make ten more. Fast and furious like the storms, I will never back down. Let’s see who’s the one left standing in the end.” Xie Lian’s heart skipped a beat for some reason, and he mumbled inwardly, “... Oh no, this is bad.” Even though Hua Cheng’s expression was subconsciously displayed, Xie Lian really was quite weak to this aggressive and rebellious confidence of his.” - fjadskfajsl its okay xie lian honey you never know whats going to do it for you

okay so are the murals and statues are only from the xianle era? im hoping hua cheng didnt secretly follow xie lian during his time as a mortal during the entire 800 years and then pretend to a total stranger that would be too much imo lets see. i still really do get why feng xin and mu qing are like “...dude wtf lets get out of here stay away from that guy” (also tbh probably if theyd all managed to stay close... this probably wouldnt be happening which isnt a judgement im just saying bc thats definitely how ive felt about friendships) although this whole thing IS indeed tinged with homophobia which i still dont think makes sense in this setting but whatever i guess.

BOOK 4!!!! im scared

“A few days ago he nearly fainted, and it was only after that did he realize it was because he hadn’t had anything to eat for several days.” - unfortunately relatable but :(

“Ever since Xie Lian was young, he had never had to consider these kinds of affairs, and this was truly the first time in decades that this problem gripped him. However, if gods didn’t even know what starvation felt like, how could they possibly understand the feelings of a starving worshipper? How could they possibly empathize? At this point, he could only take this experience as a form of training.” - TRUE THO!!!!!!!! i like seeing this even tho the circumstances are sad

wait does xie lian get his bad cooking skills from him mom? im gonna cry...

“After returning to the city, Mu Qing’s stomach was still turning. He said as he stumbled, “I thought…that porridge, it smelled like bran water, but I hadn’t thought it’d taste like it too!” Feng Xin gritted his teeth. “Shut up! Don’t force people to remember that pot of stuff! The queen is…body of ten thousand gold after all…never cooked…this is already…UGH!…” Mu Qing humphed. “Did I say something wrong? If you didn’t think it was like bran water, why don’t you…go ask the queen to grant you another bowl! UGH!…” The two were heaving back and forth, and Xie Lian grabbed hold of the both of them, patting their backs.” - xianle trio.... including simply because it made me do the pleading emoji in real life..... also the way the queen wanted to feed all of them... weeping

i didnt realize that mu qing would still be around during this time.... god the fact that i know theyre all going to split......

“It’s precisely because it’s a time like this that money has to be brought up!” Mu Qing countered. “A time like this? What time is it? Time when we’re starving! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to admit it, but nothing can be done without money! Can you both not just suck it up a little bit?” - mu qing i love you. god.... for real the fact that he comes from a completely different background than the other two is so important to his character and i think it shows so much in the way he continues to be in the present. he gives me the vibe of someone who is smart and hardworking but is bitter about it and tbh!!!! i get why he is!!! he’s very aware of these kinds of concerns bc he’s had to be, while the other two kind of think theyre above it and its a big difference between them. he’s still separated by the circumstances of his birth despite how much harder he’s worked to get to where he is.... ugh painful and delicious

i really am enjoying the xianle story tbh. xie lian going from his highness, favored by heaven, well-intentioned but lacking in experience and understanding to living in poverty and fighting with mortals who disrespect him. fucking delicious i mean this sincerely and respectfully im sad but i really like his character arc. and then to how he is in the present....

“Mu Qing looked at him, speaking not a word. Then he bowed deeply and really turned around to walk away.” - OH NO ITS HAPPENING AHHHHH ;_; honestly all of this hurts but it feels real like i think mu qing has every right to want to leave honestly and he DOES have other family and other ambitions outside of the trio... and i get why feng xin is mad about him wanting to leave when theyre suffering!! and i get why xie lian lets him go.... friendships are hard man and the pain of them splitting is rough!!!!

“Mu Qing’s departure had really shocked him to the core. First, he had never thought that someone so close would just up and leave. Second, Xie Lian had always believed in “forever”. For example, friends would always be friends forever; no betrayal, no deception, no breaking up. Perhaps there’d be times when they’d part, but it for sure wouldn’t be over reasons like “life is too horrible” - pain. just pain. same as above i get it but it hurts

“Xie Lian didn’t know too well just how much money would be considered normal when buying over ten lanterns, and he never looked at the price tag when he purchased things in the past.” - i feel bad kicking him while he’s down and he’s still trying to be kind even when it costs him but this is the first thing that came into my mind

but also oh?? spirits of soldiers from the battlefield you say?? hmmm i wonder... who.... could possibly be among them....

“If you remain forcibly, you won’t be able to rest in peace,” Xie Lian said. The nameless ghost didn’t seem to care. “I pray to never rest in peace.” -  i cant lie this legit gave me goosebumps lol

“Xie Lian himself was alright in suffering through it, since there were far too many other things to worry about. But his mother, who had lived a comfortable, luxurious life, when had she ever done such crude labour? But if the queen didn’t do this work herself, who else could take over?” - hmmmm!!! housekeeping!!!! it matters!!!! rich people dont appreciate how much until they have to do it themselves!!! but this still makes me sad

oh god THATS when they pawned hongjing?? with the king sick and mu qing leaving?? :(((( even more emotional about its appearances in the present day

“That passerby chuckled. “You don’t know? This is too exciting! The servant is beating the master!” - oh god the dramatic and ironic timing of it all

god..... this is just... a sad time....

“MU QING ISN’T LIKE YOU ALL. HE’S MY FRIEND, HE WOULD NEVER HELP YOU!!!” [cut to] “Those were the only words echoing in Xie Lian’s mind, but he couldn’t utter a single sound, and could only crazily grab at anything at his disposal to throw. He didn’t care who he was hurling at, either. Finally, Mu Qing couldn’t take this anymore, and he steeled his face as he swept his sleeves and left. Xie Lian panted harshly for a bit and fell back down, spacing out again.”- IM SAD!!!!!! tbh i wonder if on some level xie lian kind of felt like mu qing owed him? i know he said to forget about that stuff to both of them but its one thinig to say it and think you mean it and another to have to deal with it

white no-face what is your DEAL!! also all the little fire ghost bits im...

“After having exchanged so many words, Feng Xin finally got the gist of what had transpired. He widened his eyes and pointed at Mu Qing, unable to speak. A moment later, he bent down and grabbed a sack and flung it over, roaring. “SCRAM! SCRAM SCRAM SCRAM!” Mu Qing was hit in the face by the sacks of rice he brought and backed two steps away. All three of them in the house were panting harshly.” - this is it this is the part where i closed my laptop and said “noOOooOOOoooo” out loud to my room im so upset... and mu qing still tried to leave the rice even after the broom thing im ;_;

“Feng Xin was completely convinced that he would never do such a thing, but that was precisely why this had become the worst-case scenario!” - pain, suffering, dismay, etc

“Feng Xin continued, “If Your Highness thinks your life might be in danger, I can finish this for you, I won’t tell Her Majesty, haha.” - bless your heart for trying feng xin

“But it shouldn’t be like this. The Feng Xin of the past would have absolute faith in him no matter what! Even if there was only twenty percent doubt, it was still unbearable!” - AHHHHHHH okay idk if i really have much to say about their relationship other than im sad but IM SAD!!!!

the differences between feng xin and mu qing’s relationship with xie lian are so interesting. feng xin has clearly always idolized xie lian a lot while mu qing hasnt at least not in the same way and he seems like he has some resentment towards xie lian (thats how i read it anyway thats what i said about it at the beginning of book 2 and i think its understandable and can be a very real part of friendships) that feng xin doesnt and i just think thats neat!!

“He was firmly tied down upon the altar, that broken base of the statue under his body. There were many people squeezed below the altar, and pair after pair of round, unblinking eyes were watching him.” - hmmm dont think i like where this is going

“Yet, before he could finish, he realized that the white silk that he used to cover his face had been undone. In this moment, the thing that had him completely tied down was that exact white silk.” oh my god wait is this ruoye?? is ruoye that same ribbon???? ill cry

“The hand stained with blood, the one that ended a life, was immune to the Face Disease.” - ohhh shit okay. okay okay. okay. shit okay. i See now.... so if youre an innocent civilian the only way to escape this fate (and the faces are actually the souls of other innocent civilians) is to get rid of your innocence... and doesnt this disease not actually hurt its just horrific? god.............

“White No-Face pitied, “You think they don’t want to do it? Wrong, it’s not that they don’t want to, it’s solely because no one wants to be the first, that’s all.” - shut up!!! youre the one who created this situation dont fucking preach about the way you think the world is

“He forced down the mouthful of blood and hissed, “What are you laughing at? You think that you got what you wanted? This was all forced by you!” The ghost fire within the ghost’s hand flickered even more fiercely.” - yes exactly!!! you put people in extreme circumstances sometimes they do extreme things!! youve proved nothing!! god i do love when characters say exactly what im thinking. plus the first ones who caved were trying to save their child

“He felt that, if he was to let them do what they wanted, there was something in his heart that would never return to its original state.” - :( also i kind of feel that in my life sometimes and i just hope xie lian’s heart ends up in a state he’s happy with

“He didn’t dare to look at what had become of the person lying on the altar, because what laid there didn’t look human anymore.” AHHHHHH!!! :(((( i mean i get why this event is what made hc... level up??? thats not a good way to describe it fjasldkfjaslk but you know what i mean... that line about being powerless to help your beloved OOOOOOF

okay well finished that chapter im. pain. hmmm. pain. i dont know if i actually have any words rn lol but im gonna stop here for now

[dilsdoes]

dont reblog

how do i feel about what i have been through. ive been through a lot, but how do i feel.

i am so incredibly angry at j for taking away so much of my childhood. im so confused because we were both kids, the same age, but she ruined me so much. im so scared of being vulnerable and trusting someone to take care of me because i just remember giving so much over and over and over and never expecting anything in return, because thats not why i gave, never getting anything back anyway. id give vulnerability and get nothing back. shed ditch me all the time, shed beg me to do things with her for support and then when i asked her to do the same she ditched.

i dont know if ill ever forgive my dad for all the broken promises. i will never forget how scared i was watching him slam on our door demanding my mother come out so his family could "come see his witch of an ex wife" while i stood, 10 years old and terrified, and they asked him to stop. ill never forget how he hit me hard enough i fell to the ground and then acted like it didnt make sense that i was upset. it doesnt make sense why hed be confused why i wouldnt want to be alone with him when hes hit me and my mom and threatened to hit me before. ill never forgive him for refusing to pay to feed me, just to make my mother mad, ill never forgive him for accepting an invitation i had to fucking beg for, to bend the rules for him, only for him to not show. ill never fucking forgive him for forcing me to sit all night next to an empty fucking chair. i hate him so much and i hate how much everyone treats me like im crazy for hating him when he hates my mother so much more than he loves me. he doesnt make any sense and he knows it and i hate him. i hate him so much. he used to be my dad. he used to be my fucking dad.

im hungry. we have no food, although well do groceries tomorrow. we often have no or very little food, and even less that i can eat. i feel guilty for wanting things, even food, and i feel disgusting for being guilty. i feel disgusting for being anything at all most days. i wish i was a robot so id never let anyone down. i wish i never needed anything, not water or words, and i could just be what everyone needed. i wish i was perfect so people would stop being mad, so i would stop hurting people, so people would stop being hurt. i hate being human and having needs because i cant do what everyone wants. i hate myself so much, i wish i was something better. i wish i was a perpetual motion machine, whirring away, pretty and clean, i wish i was everything and nothing at all, i wish i was huge and impossibly small.

sometimes i get scared that im not being me withtb my girlfriend, but i dont know who i am. like ill edit a text 3 times before sending it but i do it immediately without noticing. i do this on tiktok and twitter too. i do it everywhere. its so hard to let my guard down when people never know its up.

i feel disgusting. i dont care that its not the right feeling, i feel disgusting and repulsive and wrong all the time, and i know it doesnt make sense but i feel like the most repulsive thing in the world, a pitiful thing, a sorry thing, everyone thinks im so naive and stupid and at this point its probably because i am. im so repulsive. i wish i could scoop my insides out so i dont have to be in here anymore. i wish i could just crack my ribs open and let all of me out, like those spreaders they use for open heart surgery, like an angel maker, i feel so horrible and awful, i just feel wrong all the time and i hate myself so much. i hate myself so fucking much. what am i? what am i? sometimes i hate myself so much i want to throw up because its the closest i can get to scooping my insides out. i wish i could be someone else. i wish i was perfect. i wish i was perfect. i wish so much and every day that i was perfect in every way just so that i could stop wanting wrong things all the time. i hate myself so much. its impossible to be perfect, but i have to be. i have to be. i have to be. i have to be.

i almost died several times in my life. i didnt let myself think about how much i was going through when i was hospitalized. i remember a nurse asked me how i was doing and i said fine, and she asked if i was sure because id said i was fine every day since i came here and i said yes and she said well, a few days ago you tried to kill yourself, and i said, without a hint of irony, "yeah but that was days ago. its passed now." and i just. god i almost died. i could have died. i swallowed 28 pills with the intent of just. something. anything. i just needed some help. i needed help so fucking bad, amd i didnt know what i needed. and my mother watched me pop them out and asked my if i was going to kill myself because she was saying something i didnt like and i just needed some fucking help. i didnt know what but everything was always falling apart and i needed some fucking help. i needed some fucking help. i needed so much help. i got it but i look back at all the ways i asked for help over and over and over again and just said "i need help. i dont know what to do but i tried to swallow a handful of pills. i dont know what to do but i think im depressed. i dont know what to do but i feel like a failure at all times" and i was just told i was overreacting. every feeling is an overreaction. "what am i supposed to do about it?" im hungry, im tired, im hurting, im anxious, "what am i supposed to do about it?" jesus christ i dont fucking know, im 16 and youre 60, please god just help me. just listen to me, just hear the words im saying and dont tell me im lying, just believe me when i say im in pain.

i dont know when im in pain anymore. i cant trust anything unless someone else confirms it. i hate it when people make jokes questioning the reality of something when im specifically asking if its true. i just want things to exist. like theyre not real if its just me. i dont count. i dont matter. my opinion isnt worth shit. please. please give me this. please help me. i feel pain and i just live with it until it stops and then i realise i was in pain. because its gone. once my mom tried to convince me to run on a broken ankle. i dont feel real on my own and im trying so hard to but god almighty its so hard when im still surrounded by people who tell me im wrong.

[bittybattybunny]

I'm enjoying the various facts of the RuClipse Aus, mostly because I was planning to do RuClipse month. So Im curious how many you have? I know you got A LOT, I mean, I remember the list you post before and apparently you have more under your sleeve (Im looking at that Regis kills Eclipse D':). Im just curious as which ones are more present in your mind/you have more facts and lore. -from a RuClipse fan

dlkgjsdkgkldsngkladnklgsfd

I JUST

IM SORRY IM JUST BLOWN AWAY I HAVE FUCKING RUCLIPSE FANS

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE SHEER SHOCK THIS GIVES ME AND DELIGHT

dgfisjkgfjdskg

Speaking of Ruclipse month I’m makign a proper “banner” with teh prompts this is the WIp image

As for Aus!!

this is gonna get long---

Ummmm The lsit wasn’t full full cuz like I have some AUs tied into others and some I’ve made since then... Like i have a number of Aus I don’t talk about since they are mostly JUST RuClipse focus like I have a Kelpie AU in which Arulius is a Kelpie who’s been trying to eat Eclipse since she was a child but winds up falling for her when she’s older because she’s facinating and eventually starts staying with her because humans age too fast. I also have a Red Riding Hood AU that’s cute fluff. Plus my Fairy Cinderella one.

IDK an exact number tbh I’d have to like. Sit and count.  I just like to write them cuz it’s relaxing and I really need that (like man i need relaxing... i had a break down at my day job and my manager had to drive me home by force cuz I wanted to keep working----but that’s because im a severe workaholic with some trauma involved with perfectionism)

Which are my focus/most lore

Right now it’s @eclipseofthehat that’s a big one!!! I’ve been working a lot on the comic scripts and figuring that plot out since I consider that AU kinda my “hub” Au in which everything else is the AU of if that makes sense?

Other than that I’m slightly obsessed with the Nutcracker AU and the Triassic Planet AU but I’m not the main writer on those so I can’t do much lore there.

Well I’m making a shit ton of angst in the Triassic Planet AU but that’s cuz Gin  is as angst fueled as I am.

The thing with me is I get inspired off pretty much anything and can come up with a full damn lore plot in a matter of hours.

Sometimes I go ham on them and they become full-fledged things (like the Lamia AU i have was based off of the simple fact of I was watching Anime, a lamia showed up and I went ‘hey what if’ and now I wrote about 7 short chapters i need to finish) or I just do a snippet (the phantom of the opera au. Like i do have the full plot figured. but I really just wanted to write a small snippet)

I have a lot of like partially written things I just worked on while I was bored, sometimes I sketch things randomly and run off.

I get stressed out pretty easily and over whelmed with day to day stuff so I use this as my escape.

anyhow here’s a smallish list of AUs i have rn I think are new from that list im too lazy to look up:

Under a read more CUZ IT GOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT

Lawbound (Hattie summoned poor law student Prynce Arulius Law who is dead by his fiancee’s hand and trying to solve his own murder. Chapter one is written to post Im doing the cover. chapter 2 is started. Epilogue is also already written)

Red is the Wolf (Red riding hood au, Eclipse is a young woman who’s slowly become a wolf forest spirit due to being born with too much magic. If she interacts with humans she’ll remains human. however she has a terrible fear of people. Her life gets thrown when she accidentally encounters the Prince in the woods and discovers he’s similar to her but his curse is more damaging. She winds up trying to break his curse while slowly falls for her)

The Snake prince (based off my favorite fable from childhood ‘the enchanted snake’ in which Arulius is a Prince who was turned into a snake for the sin of signing the order to execute the forest guardians. his fiance was unable to bear his snakeness and had him trapped in her basement where he escaped injured. he was found by folklorist Eclipse who is a witch and the lone survivor of the massacre. they have no idea of the other’s identity but this is the one AU he’s pretty open about his feelings and while she’s trying to break his curse they end up in love and eventually she has to do the kings trials and Ru semi breaks his curse and the two flee his father who wants her dead. I actually drew a really cute picture of right after eclipse properly breaks his curse. it’s a super fluffy au tbh)

Sunken Ship (new au from the past week. Eclipse is a sea witch who loves ship wrecks. she met the ghost of Arulius Law, a law student who passed away when his fiance shoved him off the sinking ship. She took his skull back to New york with her so he can try to move on. Bittersweet story of them growing close but he’s dead... but mermaids live a long time. and im a slut for reincarnation)

Whipped Water Horse (this is the kelpie au i talked about above. Arulius is a Kelpie who’s been threatened with a whip by Amaris Nightingale since she was a small child and she doesn’t fear the fae. ends up falling in love with her and saving her several times from her human suitors under the guise of “youre my target so no one can have you” has some major angst and some not so fun stuff nearly happen)

The contractor’s wish (Snatcher is a demon who has to grant the whims of those who form contracts by writing in the book he’s bound to. Eclipse found the book while cleaning her attic out and ends up freeing him without question. he sticks around and slowly recalls being human and how he wound up in his situation while trying to figure what his actual wish is)

Cute Barista (a coffee shop au with a cinderella twist. Amaris is a graphic design student who works at her brother’s cafe “the horizon” and attracted the attention of a law student named Arulius law who visits daily. Her brother tried to get him to piss off but sadly the two actually enjoy chatting with each other. As a peck you to her brother they start going on dates. She’s very down on herself and he’s secretly the reclusive prince who’s been in hiding because he’s afraid of peoples reactions after he was scarred by an accident in his youth. he’s trying to find the best way to tell her the truth but also doesn’t want to scare her away. He’s a single father in this having adopted Harriet while doing volunteer work)

the Art Student’s muse (this one is fully written i just haven’t posted it. Basically, Arulius is an art student who became obsessed with this one nude model they had. Like not persay in a creepy way she just captivated him. he gets a lot of shit from his best friend Vanessa but winds up keeping the model in mind despite not seeing her. In his senior year they cross paths again and she has a break down but they wind up together.)

Swapped (a short one shot chapter in which TLC eclispe wakes up as Moon guardian Eclipse and gets very confused emotions when snatcher kissed her)

Darkrai’s Wish (a pokemon au Ive posted one chapter of already in which Arulius is a darkrai but used to be human and doesnt remember this. he has to deal with being human again thanks to a little jirachi and dealing with the fact he loves Eclipse who has issues cuz he used to be a pokemon)

Wolf bite (Prince Arulius was cursed as a werewolf in his youth. as an adult when he got out one full moon he bit a village girl giving her the curse as well. She winds up nearly being burned at the stake for witch craft and he has her saved and brought to the castle. he’s trying to make it up to her but she’s understandably pissed off. It’s a lot of him trying to get her to be not angry but also they start liking each other and she helps teach him a lot about how the world works because he’s naive and sheltered)

Familiar (Amaris lives in a world magic exists. many people have famialars to help do day to day tasks and the more impressive your family the better. Most meet their famialar when they are children, however, Amaris didn’t. But one day her past returns and she is taking care of a small chubby dragon who to everyone else looks like a deformed ferret and has to learn her magic may not be as limited as thought as well as the truth behind her familiar and the strange young man who keeps stopping by her work with flowers for her)

The Prince’s Pet Snake (this is the lamia au. Eclipse is a dangerous lamia with venom to take down an army. Arulius is a naive prince who thought of her as an animal and came to realize she’s far more human than he thought and being dumb to the fact he loves her despite he’s engaged. Has a sad ending)

Tangled Adventure (tangled au: Arulius law was cursed by his wife and is now trying to find the horizon and the daughter of the moon to break it. he picks up a changling child along the way who’s also searching for the horizon to find out where she came from. they meet the daughter of the moon but it seems to break the curse isnt as simple as they think and after making a deal with her to show her the outside they get into trouble when the queen comes looking for her lost prince)

Going Ghost (a danny phantom au idk if i’ve mentioned at all lol. hat and bow are twins and friends of arulius and they are inspecting a weird floor at his girlfriend's house. he winds up getting stuck when they trigger a gate to the horizon and becomes the snatcher. thankfully MJ and Eclipse where there and can somewhat help him calm down but it’s nuts)

Princess and the Rogue (a fantasy Au in which Eclipse is a runaway princess who became a fighter and teamed up with the rogue Snatcher who was cursed after wooing a noble woman. the two have been traveling for a few years and have one of those totally love each other but wont say it but also the search for the princess is getting intense and his curse is getting worse.)

Undergrounded (this is just my undertale au. )

Skates on Point (an ice skating au. Arulius is part of a famous olypic duo, Amaris is a selective mute woman who teaches at her daoptive father’s rink and an ex-ballet dancer. her brotehr was the gold medalist in the olympics but had to quit when he lost the use of his legs in a car wreck. Arulius is stressed over his realtionship and skating and winds up going to skate at the owl express rink where he sees the young woman skating alone in the morning. the two wind up bonding and spending more time togehter and she with his urging and her brother’s urging starts skating competitivly while he starts show skating under and alias and the two wind up performing togehter and realize they may have a thing. Eclispe is in teh process of adopting two little girls but having issues and ru helps and its jsut a lot of healing for everyone. Chapter 1, 2 and 3 typed as well as various snippets)

The little sea wolf (a little mermaid au but eclipse is the mermaid and a sea witch who winds up befriending teh prince after she saved him from thugs. things get sticky when the mermaid princess fell for him after seeing the sea witch save him from a shipwreck and deamnds to have him. the sea witch beause of teh strain of her magic starts to break down and unless she gains a soul she’ll die. Sena punches ru in this one and its great)

So yeah thats the ones on top my head im sure i probs have more but i cant think

[wanderingpages]

Anon M (Dark AU) Part 6

(My [wabderingpages] responses are in this color!)

Jude being reletable kinda

OH MY GOD IT’S A KITTY (the real star of the show arrives)

A KITTY

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I love cats lol

“I like pussy” okay you know what, dark cardan, fuck me now, but keep it quiet

…….maybe

I don’t wanna cheat on CEO (hahahahaha)

OOH AFTER THIS DO YOU WANT ME TO DO A CEO REREAD AND WRITE DOWN THOSE THOUGHTS (DUDE absolutely whatever you want! Reading these make me all happy 🥰🥰)

Valerian really be a stoner huh

Everyones a stoner lol (stoner but make it intense lol)

Cardan trying to comfort jude

Jude thinking he might murder her (THE ROLES FROM CANON ARE SWITCHED) (yes lmao haha, Jude is the mostly clues scared but aroused one here)

Judes very disoriented ‘

Makes sense tho

“you are what you eat” OKAY DARK CARDAN MARRY ME OK (HAHA ON GOD 💯)

…..no don’t

Don’t

CEO I SWEAR I LOVE U

And I wouldn’t mind sleeping with both you and your fiancée (I am a bisexual mess) (aren’t we all)

But like…. OKAY IM STAYING LOYAL TO CEO

Jude really be here having panic attacks huh? (Honestly about time she starts having normal responses)

This is really cool, coming from someone who suffers from anxiety

Elvira is another TFOTA universe character right (haha no she’s the mistress of darkness (character in an old real life movie lol))

Yes jude please drink water

…why do I feel betrayed by the phone records thing he is literally her stalker (weirdly got a lot of similar reactions when this chapter was posted hahaha (“you went through my phone records?” to the tone of “but you made me this friendship bracelet” a la 21 jump street))

Aw jude is mad

I like mad jude

Jude a bit too mad now (big mad)

THEYRE BOTH MAD (bigger mad)

OOH

IS THIS GONNA BE HATE SEX

…..no’ (no)

Nvm

I want the hatesex peach (can I interest you in the rockstar au prologue? Or the just friends one shot au? Or the enemies with benefits au request?)

Aw she apologizeddddddddddddddddddddddd

Theyre having a deep convo

Id rather have the hate sex tbh

Dark cardan is perpetually horny isnt he (almost always 😔)

A leash

A LEASH (a leash)

Jude keeps on thinking about him killing her

Like

Bitch u were horny when he kidnapped you

Oh wait

Shes a lot more shooketh here (haha it’s starting to hit her now he’s the bad guy)

Im a bitch ill move on

Aw steamy shit

Still no hate sex WHY PEACH (oh you know why)

Dain is versatile lol (yessir)

Ghost is with…. Which sister now (taryn)

TARYN WOULD TOTALLY BE IN ON A PLAN TO KILL JUDE AHHHHH

I hate her is this obvious (yes lol)

His grin is wry, “Baby, you are hostage.” His hands slide down my arms to encircle my wrists, fingers caressing marks from where he’d bound me, twice. “I’m not the good guy here, never fucking mistake that,” he gives me a dark look and my stomach coils. Fuck butterflies, this guy gives me moths and they are constantly eating away at my insides. “I shouldn’t have gone in for you because now they know you’re connected to me. They’re using you against me.”

Ooh

He doesn’t say anything for a while, then he sighs. His voice is low and strained and he confesses, “when Sophie died, I got a picture, not a video. But it was the same thing. Knife at her throat while she had been asleep. I was late. I went home and she wasn’t just dead, Jude. She was slaughtered.” He spares me the details he’s clearly reliving. Those moths in my stomach are threatening to spill out because I feel sick and my heart feels heavy. I feel my face pale and my eyes widen. He hadn’t wanted to tell me. I get it. So I’m quiet and don’t ask for more. “Whoever wants you, either wants me hurt by association or there’s far more going on than either of us knows.”

Oh

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Harsh reminder that jude is a student lol

Wait how old is she (👀)

Don’t tell me

CARDAN IS HIGHHHHHHHH (not yet lol getting there though)

Hes always high

And horny

This man

I like him (😳😩🙈)

BUT I LOVE CEO CARDAN (I couldn’t tell tbh hahaha)

Heh

END OF THOUGHTS

Okay im loving this (thank youuuuu)

This was a really good chapter end

[everyman0]

A PALE BLUE GHOST

over on the discord, i announced my decision to make another trip to the Edge to try my luck at finding any kind of clue that could help me make sense of it. patrick gave me a whole lot of lip about not using his fucking mirror and other bullshit, but ill save that for another post. this is a lot more fresh and painful for me.

going back outside was a mistake.

i journeyed the five hours it took to get to the impenetrable black wall of the Edge. my plan was to walk down its length, survey anything unusual, you know. obviously i wouldnt have been able to observe all of it in one day as ive mentioned the area it covers is rather large, but i felt some effort was better than none at all, and i wasnt exactly comfortable with the idea of spending the night this far away from the house. simple enough right? there was nothing out of place on the way out here, so i hardly expected what i saw just as i approached the wall. 

it was jeff. sort of.

when i first saw him, he appeared almost like a reflection of me in the blackness. as i stepped closer to the wall, so did he step forward as well - until eventually seeming to step out of the wall entirely. we stood face to face, a mere foot apart, and i noticed then that his entire being was tinted with a pale blue.

i was terrified. i wanted to run away, but i couldnt make myself do it. so i asked timidly, "what are you doing here?"

jeff seems to come alive then.

"what? you told me to grab some stuff for the video today."

fucking bastard. i was still scared, but somehow i just knew he was mocking me. i frown, reaffirming my stance. i had to ask myself if jeff would even do such a thing to me...and then i figured yeah, probably - ghost or not.

"dont you dare pull that bullshit on me," i said, "those days are long gone." and they were. 

jeff laughs. "don't you miss it? simpler times." he splays his hands out like an offering. "cant be all that bad to pretend, for a little while."

i squint my eyes at him - both of them. these days i dont bother wearing an eyepatch, since the point was for evans comfort to begin with. now it doesnt matter that i have a gaping fucking hole in my head for all to see.

i ball my fists at my sides. "i dont have time to pretend, and i dont have time for this conversation - so lets get to the point. why are you here?"

"to see my old friend again! and to tell you there's always more than meets the eye." jeff then taps a finger underneath his left eye, and a phantom pain throbs in my own empty socket. i try to ignore it. 

"yeah, no shit," i say, and cross my arms. i was losing my patience. "if you're just going to spout vague nonsense at me like every other motherfucker does on a constant basis, i'm sorry to say but i will have to pass. i have more important things to do."

"like stand in front of this wall and bitch? is that what you're doing here?" jeff grins, and tilts his head at me. i just scoff, and deciding i had enough, i begin trying to do what i came to the wall for in the first place and begin walking parallel to it. jeff follows after me.

"im only bitching because here you are to distract me," i say, side-eyeing him, "so if you don't mind, kindly fuck off."

"i do mind, actually. why do you even want to leave? its paradise in here. no need to eat or drink, perfect climate, no irritating neighbors or awkward staredowns at the grocery store- you'd love it!"

i stop in my tracks. i hate that the sound of his voice is enough to get me to actually consider his words. but i do, and then i say:

"you know, for a while there, i did enjoy it. to an extent, anyways. you can only enjoy so much when you are all too aware of every little fucking thing. and maybe i could have handled the ghost thing, right? like you said, no neighbors or weird interactions. but then i saw this wall, and now i feel like a trapped animal - and im not okay with that."

"so if you couldnt see the wall, it'd be fine?"

i shake my head, "i came out here the first time to see if i could leave, and i wouldve kept walking if there was nothing to stop me. maybe i would have returned, after a while, had i done so. maybe not." i shrug, somewhat frustrated at the thought. "a wall is a wall, whether i can see it or not. seeing isnt the problem, the existence of the thing is."

"well yeah, but you can't just leave." jeff says it like its obvious. in hindsight, maybe it was. i could already imagine a few reasons as to why, but i wanted to pry out what jeff seems to think the answer is.

so i ask, "and why is that?"

jeff answers: "because there's...people, out there? like, innocent fuckin people, dude." well duh.

i roll my eyes, "im aware. but what does that have to do with me, exactly? habit is already somewhere else doing god knows what."

jeff looks on blankly. "we don't need two of you out there."

ouch. and unfortunately, on some level i believe it to be true. and the implication that i would intentionally hurt or even kill anyone like habit would...im sadly all too aware of the likelihood, really. it doesnt hurt because i feel bad, it hurts because i dont. however, i wasnt about to let this guy know that.

i say, "it's not like id be very social anyways. at this point, i dont think i could even stomach it."

jeff takes on a darker sort of air about him. "evidently so, based on how you treated evan. do you have your head screwed on straight, dude? because like, holy shit was that hard to watch."

i tense up, and i can feel a spark of anger rising from within me. guess it didnt matter what i tried to hide, jeff knew what weak points to hit.

"i was just trying to protect him." 

"uh huh," he nods, "sorry vinny, but you're not the guardian in this one."

"clearly," i grumble, "but i was fucking trying, okay?" i was trying. jeff thought otherwise.

"yeah, trying to get everyone killed. thanks for that one, by the way. you've been self absorbed, irresponsible, reckless and horrible to everyone around you that isn't the entity playing games with our lives, and you can't keep pretending it's not true! do some soul searching. meditate. i don't care. but you're not leaving any time soon, so you'd better get used to it." jeff jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger.

it didnt take but a moment to process jeffs words, and ultimately, i agree with him. im a terrible fucking person. i just am. but i wasnt going to give jeff the satisfaction of me fessing up to it - because i felt like all of this was beginning to become unproductive bullshit and i wanted to do what i came all the way out here to do dammit.

i go to smack jeffs hand away from me, but i come to find that i simply pass through him like he was air. i felt the jab, though, even if superficially. this confirms my suspicion about the ghost thing, but jeff was different from the ghosts in the town; like being able to talk and acknowledge my existence.

i take a step back, "we'll see about that. who the fuck made this wall, hm? you of all things must know right? since you are apparently a plethora of knowledge of good and evil now. can you do that much for me jeff?"

jeff considers my words before he turns away from me to face the terrible wall, his hands on his hips, and his head craning back to presumably observe the wall's endless climb into the sky above.

"habit designed this gaudy architecture as part of his grand scheme. you probably could have figured that much, eh? but what you wouldnt know is that its been here since the very beginning, before you even arrived at the house." he looks back at me, "come on vin. you should know by now that habit is well prepared...even if this timeline is bonkers. you shouldnt need me to tell you that."

i grumble in annoyance, but consider his words carefully. sure, maybe i didnt need him to tell me habit was a suspect in all this, and maybe i could have figured that out just by doing what i had originally planned with scouting the perimeter of the wall. but...here jeff was, telling me things outright. it was a convenient time saver really, even if he was going about it in a bitchy way. i needed to take advantage of this.

"so, if habit made this cage to keep me in, why shouldnt i try to break out? why shouldnt i try to fight his subjugation?"

"one, because habit has eons of experience over you and you'll likely fuck something up really badly," jeff says, and turns towards me again. "two, you're part of this place now. removing you would shatter a really delicate balance. the house is a place of fluctuation, because there's not enough power to sustain herself. and you're radiating power, dude. would you really just abandon her like that, after all she's done to keep you safe and alive?"

ouch again...ugh. i dont usually feel guilty over a lot of things, but jeffs second point seemed to get to me.

i relent. i cower my head to stare at the ground. "i wouldnt have left her forever."

jeff gives me a disappointed sigh. "go back home, man. she's really worried about you."

i bite my lip and give the slightest of nods. i still want to do what i can to escape, and i hadnt forgotten about why i came to the wall in the first place...but jeff's words had me thinking about my desires for the house. in truth, the house and i have formed a strange sort of...i dunno, friendship? its the closest human word i can think for it. i would talk to her, she would listen. id even clean up her rooms, even though ive observed that she can do it by herself.

i think she may be the only thing in this world that can understand me now.

so i feel like in some weird way, the house cares about me. she has done quite a few favors for me, after all; favors that kept me safer. jeff was right again, and i couldnt shake the wrongness of abandoning the house enough to continue talking my way out of this bind.

it was time to go then. but first, i look back up at jeff.

"what about you?" i ask, my mood seriously taking a nose dive off a cliff. sad and desperate and pathetic and lonely. "you came all this way from wherever, however you did it, to tell me all this...are you going to leave me now too, just like evan?" fuck. "i wouldn't blame you if you did...but i have to admit, it was nice seeing you again."

and truthfully, it was - despite the treatment i received. its fine. i deserved it.

jeff leans in, and i can feel the pity in his eyes as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"that choice isn't mine to make."

and then he shoves me away from the wall with a force that sends me tumbling across the ground a good few feet. i think it fucked up my shoulder. its fine. deserved that too.

and then i went home.

>>