#i am so fucking lonely. i don't think any of my school friends miss me

[scarletcomet]

scrolling through instagram and it's making me want to die

[letbuckfuck]

.

[heyhotbitchrs]

when you stay up too late and suddenly you're unloved :/

[monstacheol]

𝓓𝓪𝓭𝓭𝔂'𝓼 𝓗𝓸𝓶𝓮

❀Pairing: C.SC x afab! reader

❀Summary: When your husband goes on a two-week business trip, you are left alone in the comfort of your shared home until your heat hit unexpectedly. With Cheol away, you have to break this heat soon before he comes back. Turns out….he came back sooner than you thought.

❀WC: 4.3K (Originally supposed to be 2K words but I wrote too much.)

❀Warning: Dom! Alpha Seungcheol, Sub! Omega Reader, oral (f receiving), unprotected sex (stay safe everyone), mild dirty talk, breeding, mention of a baby, pet name: (y/n): baby, princess, sweet girl; Cheol: cheol, daddy( a few time) (I'm missing out a lot. Let me know and I'll add more.)

❀Taglist: @kyeomiis @onlywonwoorideul @scoupsieee @jimintopiaaaa @gyuguys @rissepuffs04 @yawnozone

❀Notes: It has been a while since I wrote smut, especially an omegaverse one, so I don't know if this is good. I worked hard on it the best I could. Please bear with me. I am rusty and my writing style has changed. It is also proofread and edited. I edited it the best I could. So if there is any minor grammar error, I'm so sorry. If this is any good, I'll write the next prompt I had in mind. One of two or three that I have before school starts for me. So I hope you enjoy it and if it's awful (I think it is but that's my opinion because I was stressing about it for weeks), I'm so sorry and I hope to improve soon. Please comment, like, reblog for support.

You were curled up on the bed, panting, hot, and wearing nothing but your husband's t-shirt and your fingers stuffed inside as you were surrounded by your husband's clothes in your lovely nest. Your mind was lost in a daze as you could smell his scent flowing around you, leading you to fuck yourself in bliss. You could feel the coil in your stomach tighten as you imagined his hands on your body, his voice in your ear, and his breath on your skin. You moan softly, feeling the intensity building up inside you. The fantasy of him being there with you pushed you over the edge, bringing you to a shuddering climax that left you breathless. But you didn't stop. You couldn't stop. You kept pumping yourself, imagining how he would do it.

How did we come to get to this point? How did this even happen? Well…

"Two weeks," you question.

Your husband nods his head as he adds, "Yes, two weeks."

A two-week business trip alone here in your home. You knew that your husband would be taking an upcoming business trip, but you didn't know it would be this long. You anticipated a few days at most, not the entire two weeks. The thought of being alone in the house for that long makes you feel a bit anxious and lonely as you pout.

"I know that look. You're pouting," Seungcheol said with a teasing smile.

In denial, you softly argue, "I'm not pouting; I'm just... not used to you being away for so long," you reply, trying to mask your disappointment. Seungcheol chuckles, knowing how much you will miss him. He then wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you close. As I breathed in his scent of cherry and sandalwood, "It will be alright. I promise to call you every day and make it up to you when I get back," he reassured you, kissing your forehead.

You knew he was right, but what to do in a house by yourself? You and your husband have always been together. You were first college sweethearts, meeting each other through a mutual friend. Then, the moment you both graduated, he gave the sweetest proposal, and you've been inseparable ever since. But after three years of marriage, this will be the longest he has ever been away. You can't help but feel anxious about being apart for so long, but you have to make the most of it. Maybe you can hang out with your friends more often, or take Kkuma to that park she likes to go to. Perhaps you can finally finish that project you've been putting off. The possibilities are endless. He finished packing his luggage for this journey, and after he was done, you both walked to the door. You could hear tiny steps coming behind you as Kkuma followed closely. You both stopped at the entrance doorway as Kkuma sat there below your feet, looking up with those big eyes. Your husband kneeled down to pet her and show her lots of affection.

"Kkuma. Be a good girl, princess, while Daddy is away. Make sure to look out and take care of Mommy," Seungcheol cooed as he ruffled her hair, trying not to ruin the cute pink bow he placed on her head. He stood up from his kneeling position, and he turned to you, still pouting.

"You promise to call," you assert, looking up at him. Seungcheol smiled down at you, his eyes filled with love and reassurance. "Of course, I promise," he replied before kissing you.

"Don't worry, I will be back before you know it," Seungcheol assured you with a smile, grabbing your face and pecking your lips.

That was nine days ago. And now, here you are, sitting on your shared bed, surrounded by his clothes. In heat. Trying to relieve yourself before your husband returns. The first day without him was fine. You got your daily message from him, telling you how he misses you and sending you pictures, and you always responded. You even get to spend time with your friends. The second day went without a hitch as well. Then the third, then the fourth. But on the fifth day, you felt off. You sensed that something wasn't right. You felt tired. You didn't feel like yourself. You care less about eating or drinking and more about just lying down and resting. You tried to shake off the feeling, but it persisted. It was then that you realized that, you were about to go in heat. You didn't think it would happen so soon and on the day that your husband was gone. You gasp as your fingers pump inside you vigorously, the pleasure building as you give in to your body's desires. You came so many times, leaving the bed and your panties soaked with your release, but it wasn't enough. You need more. You crave for him. You need his touch. You need him.

"Cheolie," you whimper.

"Y/N," you heard.

You froze as you heard the voice you didn't expect to hear. You look up to see your husband staring there, wearing only casual clothes with a surprise on his face.

"C-Cheol. "W-What are you?"

"You're in heat, aren't you?" Seuncheol asked.

You didn't say anything, but your silence said it all for him. "My poor baby," he said as he stepped closer to you. He climbed into the bed toward you, his hand reaching out to gently touch your face.

"Left alone, all hot and bothered. Missing your Alpha so much that you made a nest out of all of his clothes. So much that you have to finger yourself just to feel a little relief. It must hurt, doesn't it?" Seungcheol said as his hand brushed through your hair.

Tears trickled down your cheeks as you nodded. "It hurts so much, Daddy," you said as you reached out, clutching his shirt. "P-Please," you begged.

Seungcheol shushed you gently, wrapping his arms around you in a comforting embrace. "It's okay, baby girl. I'm here now, baby. Daddy's home. Daddy will take care of you," he whispered soothingly, kissing your head.

You buried your face in his chest, inhaling his scent, making your head spin. He pulled away to drape kisses across your face until they finally landed on your soft lips. You melted into the kiss as it became passionate and intense, completely losing yourself in the moment. You wrap your arm around him as he deepens the kiss, laying you down on the bed. The kiss became electrifying. His hands traced the curves of your body, causing you to gasp in pleasure, allowing his tongue to explore every inch of your mouth. His lips then traveled from your jaw to your neck. You couldn't help but lose yourself in the passion of his touch.

"My sweet girl," Seungcheol murmurs into your neck as he inhales your scent. Your sweet scent of (whatever scent you want it to be). He groans softly, his touch sending shivers down your spine. You were going crazy. Him. His touch. His scent was intoxicating. It was enough to make you go wild. You never wanted it to end.

"I've missed you so much," he murmurs, his voice filled with longing. His lips attacked your neck, kissing, biting, and sucking, which you were certain would leave a mark. You uttered a soft gasp, feeling a rush of desire and anticipation coursing through your body. His hands gripped your waist tightly, pulling you even more.

"Miss you so much that I came back early to surprise my darling wife, and what do I see? You in heat, wearing my shirt, fingers inside that pretty pussy of yours, smelling so irresistible." He presses his lips against your neck, leaving a trail of kisses down your collarbone. He grabs h̶i̶s̶ your shirt, pulling it over your head, revealing your naked body underneath, just for him. "It's enough to send me into a rut," he whispers huskily.

His words made your pussy clench. God, do you need him? You reach out for him, grabbing his shirt. "Cheollie. Your shirt," you whine.

Seungcheol faintly chuckles. "What? What do you want?" he teasingly asks. You grab his shirt and pull on it. "I want it off," you whisper, your voice filled with desire.

Seungcheol obliged, removing his shirt and throwing the piece of clothing on the floor, not caring where it landed, revealing his well-toned chest and toned abs. Was this man gorgeous or what? You couldn't resist running your hands over his chest, feeling the warmth of his skin.

"Like what you see, baby?" Seungcheol asked with a smirk, his eyes full of mischief.

You nodded eagerly, unable to tear your gaze away from him as he leaned in closer, his lips brushing against yours, and you couldn't resist kissing him back. The kiss deepened.

His large hands cup your breasts, massaging them with care, and then he leans down to attach his lips to one of your nipples as he toys with the other. You arch your back in response, a soft moan escaping your lips as his touch sends shivers down your spine. He continues to suck and bite your sensitive flesh, making you squirm with pleasure as he repeats it to others.

You wrap your legs around his waist, pulling him close and feeling his cock pressing against the front of his pants, hard and ready for you. You gasped as you felt the fiction of him grinding against you. "Cheol," you whimper.

He looked up at you with a smirk. "Patient baby," he whispered before teasefully biting your nipple. You pouted. You want more. You need his lips. You need more. You need to feel him inside you. He releases your swollen nipple with a 'pop' before trailing kisses down your stomach to the waistband of your panties. You knew you were going to get exactly what you wanted. He hooked his finger on the waistband of your panties, pulling down slowly until they were completely off, revealing your wet core. You could hear a sudden, small curse fall from his lips as he saw how wet you were.

"Baby, you're dripping so much," Seungcheol murmured. You gasped as his fingers traced the outer edges of your folds. "How many times did you cum?" he whispered, his voice husky with desire. You felt a surge of arousal at his words, your body responding eagerly to his touch. "So many," you admitted breathlessly.

Seungcheol softly chuckled at your cuteness. He lightly blew on your wet heat, causing you to shiver and whine. He then grabbed your thighs to place them on his shoulder, placing kisses along your inner thighs and making you shiver with anticipation. "Then allow me to make you cum some more," he whispered seductively as he trailed his lips up towards your core.

His tongue dips between your slick folds, eliciting a moan from your lips. "You taste so sweet," he growled before diving back in with fervor. The intensity of his actions sent waves of pleasure coursing through your body, making you arch your back in ecstasy. His tongue traced from your dripping hole to your clit, as he sucked on the sensitive bud, sending a jolt of pleasure through you. Your hands grip his hair as he continues to expertly work his magic. "Please don't stop," you beg, desperate to reach the peak of ecstasy.

"Feels good," he murmurs. "So good," you whisper, feeling the tension building within you. He groaned against your core, the vibrations adding to the overwhelming sensation. If there's one thing that Seungcheol loves the most, it's pleasing you until you're a quivering mess of pleasure and desire. He could eat you all day if you let him. The way he makes you feel is unlike anything you've ever felt before, and you never want it to end. Seungcheol's skilled tongue continued to work its magic; you could hear the knot in your stomach tighten. You were close.

"I'm close," you gasp, your body trembling with anticipation as he brings you to the brink of release. He muttered, not even letting up, "Let go, baby."

His voice was low and husky, and his words sent a shiver down your spine as you finally let go, the intensity of your release washing over you in waves of pleasure. Seungcheol continued to please you, drinking everything you had to offer, his skilled tongue never faltering in its movements. As you came down from your high, he leaned up to your lips to kiss you, tasting yourself on his tongue. He pulled away for a moment to pull on the waistband of his sweatpants and boxers, revealing his hard, throbbing length. Your mouth watered as he wrapped his hand around his cock and slowly stroked it. "You want it?" he asked, his voice husky.

You nod eagerly. "Beg for it," Seungcheol growls.

"P-please. Cheol," you begged, your voice filled with need and desperation.

"Please, what?" he titillated, his warm breath sending shivers down your spine. "Please put it in, Daddy. I want to feel you. I want you inside me so bad. I want you to knot me up. I want you to fill me up completely with your cum," you whimpered. Your body ached for his touch, aching to be filled with pleasure.

"You want Alpha to cum inside? Want me to fill you up? Give you my knot. Fill you up so deep with cum until you are swollen with my babies? You want that, don't you?" He whispered seductively, his voice low and husky. You nodded eagerly. Just the thought of him breeding you and filling you with his cum just sent shivers down your spine. You want it so badly right now.

"Please, Alpha," you begged, your voice barely above a whisper. The anticipation of feeling him inside you was almost unbearable. "What a good girl, asking so politely," he compliments.

His hands roamed over your body, teasing and tantalizing you as he positioned himself between your legs. With a smirk, he leaned in close and whispered, "I'll give you everything you want, my sweet Omega."

With a low growl, he slowly pushed inside you, making you gasp and arch your back in pleasure. He groans as the feel of your tightness envelopes him. "Fuck, you're so tight, princess," he murmurs.

As he began to move in a slow and steady rhythm, you felt every inch of him pulsating within you, sending waves of pleasure throughout your body. The sight below Seungcheol was so mesmerizing. Just seeing you writhing beneath him, your eyes fluttering and your lips parting in silent ecstasy, was enough to drive him wild with desire.

With each thrust, he could feel your body responding eagerly to his touch, igniting a fire within him that only grew stronger with each passing moment. His thrust began to pick up speed as your moans grew louder, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room with an intoxicating rhythm. "Alpha," you moan. Your voice is filled with desire and need. You are in ecstasy right now.

Seungcheol's name on your lips only fueled his passion further, pushing him to give you everything you craved. As he continued to move inside you, the intensity of your connection soared to unforseen levels, rendering both of you breathless and lost in the moment. The two of you were intoxicated by each other.

He lifts your legs to place them on his shoulder, deepening the penetration and intensifying the pleasure. The change in angle allowed him to hit all the right spots. "T-There," you utter. "There?" he reiterates, his voice husky with desire. "Yes, right there," you moan as he hits that sweet spot inside you, making your body tremble with pleasure. He chuckles slightly as he repeatedly hits that spot, causing you to lose control of your senses. Your hands grip the sheets tightly as your hips move in perfect sync with his thrusts, the sensation becoming more intense with each movement. The way your moan was mixed with the squelching sound of your wet cunt was music to his ears.

He paused his movement to pull out, leaving you to whimper in protest. He lifts you up and changes positions. His back presses against the headboard, and you now sitting on his lap. Holding your body in place, he lines his cock up with your entrance and slowly enters you again, filling you. Your body takes over, and you ride him with wild abandon, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room. "That's it. Good girl," he mutters as his eyes roll back, biting his lips.

Your moan mingles with his groans, creating a symphony of pleasure that echoes through the air, heightening the intensity of the moment. His hips thrust upward, meeting yours in the middle, his fingers digging into your hips as he thrusts deeper and harder. "Alpha," you whine.

With his half-lid eyes, he saw the pure ecstasy on your face. Drinking in your fuck-out expression and my god, you look beautiful. Stunning. Gorgeous. There were so many words he could use to call you right now. But right now, at this moment, you were the most exquisite sight he had ever seen. You were everything that he had dreamed of, and so much more. And he could fall in love with you again and again and again.

Your bounces become more urgent, and your breath comes in short gasps. "So good. So deep," you whisper breathlessly. "You like that. You like your Alpha cock deep inside you, don't you?" His words send a shiver down your spine as you nod eagerly, unable to form a coherent response. His eyes lock with yours. He leans in to capture your lips in a passionate kiss, swallowing your moans and whimpers as he continues to move inside you with a relentless rhythm. The kiss deepens as his hands grip your hips, pulling you closer to him.

Seungcheol's hand reaches between your bodies as his thumb finds its way to your clit, rubbing small circles that push you closer to the edge. You moan at his touch. Pulling away from the kiss, your gaze is locked on his half-lidded gaze, a gaze full of desire and intensity. You felt the coils in your stomach tighten as the pleasure built, and your body was on the brink of ecstasy. You were close, and he knew it. His lips twitch into an amusing smirk, the corners crinkling with amusement. "That's my girl. Such a good girl for me, riding me so beautifully. Are you close, baby," he whispers huskily.

"I'm close. So close, Cheol," you gasp out as your climax approaches. Seungcheol's movements become more urgent as he whispers in your ear, "Let go for me, princess. Let me feel you come apart around me."

As you cry out his name and finally reach your peak, "That's it, baby. Let's go. You're so beautiful when you cum," he murmurs, his voice husky with desire, as you ride out the waves of pleasure crashing over you. Your body trembles in his arms. Your cunt clenches around him as he continues to move inside you, prolonging your ecstasy. "Fuck!"

Seungcheol groans at the feel of your walls pulsating around him. Seungcheol holds your body close, flipping you back into your previous position, laying you on your back. His hand grips your hips tightly as he pounds into you relentlessly, his own desire evident in his intense gaze. You arch your back in response, reacting to his movements with equal fervor, surrendering completely to the pleasure he bestows on you. The room is filled with the sound of skin slapping against skin, mixed with your moans and his grunts. Seungcheol's pace became more erratic as he chased his own release, his movements becoming more desperate and erratic.

"Fuck. Are you ready for Alpha knot?" he growls, his voice low and husky with need. You nod eagerly, your body trembling with anticipation as he finally locks you in place with a deep, primal thrust. His knot thickens and swells, filling you as you cry out in ecstasy. In that moment, you are overwhelmed by the feeling of being claimed by your Alpha, and you can't help but surrender to the primal pleasure coursing through you. His primal growl, his fast, aggressive pace, and the feel of his knot locking inside you send you over the edge, bringing you closer to another orgasm. His breath ragged against your ear as you clung to him desperately.

"C-Cheol," you begged, your voice filled with desperation and desire. You feel his body tense up as he releases it inside you, filling you with his warmth. The sensation of his release triggers your own, sending you both into a state of blissful ecstasy. You cling to him desperately, lost in the overwhelming pleasure of being claimed by your Alpha. Your bodies were entwined in a tangled mess of limbs and heavy breathing, totally exhausted by the raw intensity. The room is filled with the scent of sweat and sex.

Seungcheol waited for his knot to swell down before he could pull out and collapse next to you, completely depleted. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close in a tender embrace. Pushing your hair to the side. "Are you okay?" he asked, his voice filled with concern. His hand caresses your waist gently. You nodded. "I'm fine."

Seungcheol smiled, relieved to hear your response. He placed a kiss on your forehead. You were so happy to see him. If this was ever a dream, you never wanted to wake up. Your husband is home. Early... Wait. Why is he back here so early?

"Wait. You came back so early. I thought-."

"Ah," Seungcheol interrupted. "We ended up finishing up early, and instead of me staying for the next few days, I decided to go home. I wanted to call you to let you know, but I wanted to surprise you. Turns out you surprised me," he chuckled.

Oh, so that's why. You didn't expect him to come back early, nor were you expecting your heat to come either. But you were glad. "Welcome back home. I'm glad you're back," you replied, grateful for his presence. Seungcheol thanked you, pressing a sweet kiss on your lips.

"I'm glad too. I felt awful leaving you here on your own without anyone. So I was thinking, " Seungcheol started. Your eyes turn to him, curious about what he is going to say next. His hand grabs your hand, twirling around your wedding band on your finger before he places a kiss on the back of your hand. He looked into your eyes and finally said what he wanted to say.

"I was thinking, and I know we have talked about this so much, but why don't we start trying for a baby? I think we are ready to take that big step," he said, looking at you with a hopeful expression.

His sudden suggestion stunned you. A baby. A baby with Seungcheol. This. This was a huge decision. And you know you both talked about it during your marriage and said that you both would give it some thought. But now, faced with the reality, you couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the weight of such a life-changing decision. You took a deep breath, gathering your thoughts, before responding to Seungcheol's proposal.

"Now before you answer, if you don't want to, I won't force you, and I will wait as long as you want. Whatever you decide, I will respect it. But just know that I love you so much, and I want to take that next step with you in our marriage. I want to be the father of our children. Plus, I think Kkuma will love having siblings to play with," he added.

You giggled at his last response. Deep down, you knew that you had always dreamed of starting a family with him. From the moment you said, 'I do', you knew he was the one you wanted to share your life with and raise a family with. And this. This new chapter of having a baby together would be the perfect step. "I love you too, and I can't imagine a future without you by my side," you finally said, feeling the weight of his words sink in. "Let's start planning for our family together," you joyfully say.

Seungcheol smiled back at you, his eyes shining with joy as he held your cheek, placed a gentle kiss on your lips, and then placed a few more. He smiled softly at you, looking into your eyes, before flipping you over on your stomach on all fours, causing you to squeal. "C-Cheol," you say.

"What? You didn't think this was over?" Seungcheol responded with a mischievous smile. You could feel his lips tracing kisses across your back. His lips trace up your back, making you shiver, and you cry out in protest.

"B-But. Shouldn't we take a break? You just returned from your trip," you mentioned between breaths.

Seungcheol just chuckled and disregardingly ignored what you had just said. His hands roam your body as he leans over, his chest pressing against your back.

"We both know your heat doesn't end there. If we want that baby, we need to keep going. I did promise I would make it up to you, and I intend to keep my word," he whispered, his warm breath sending shivers down your spine.

His hand grabs your face, turning you to look at him with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"We got all night, baby, and I want… No, I NEED to make sure you're nice, full, and swollen with my baby. And Daddy will make sure that happens," Seungcheol whispered with a devilish grin.

You softly moan in response, feeling a rush of desire and anticipation. Seungcheol's lips curled into a knowing smile before he pressed them against yours, sealing the unspoken agreement between you. It was then that you realized that the night was far from over.

[candyskiez]

thinks about teru again. he’s so funny and tragic to me. like. ok so he got targeted by a psychic terrorist organization that sent adults to try and kidnap him at a young age. and he rationalizes it by going “i am the Protagonist this is happening because i am the Main Character” and then lives his life by that idea bc it’s that or face the fact that he’s nothing, that he’s an average person and all these things happened to him for no reason. and then he meets mob and wants to befriend him, has questions he wants to ask- here is someone who might finally understand him. and then bc teru is thinking like a Main Character i think he goes “ok so if i defeat him then we’re friends otherwise we’re rivals” bc he’s still going off of tropes and cliches. and then shigeo fucking curbstomps him and he goes “oh ok i get it im not the main character 👍 KAGEYAMA’s the main character. so i must be The Rival Character then” but it’s just a way he can act as a friend without breaking the tropes he uses to rationalize his trauma

YEAH YOU GET IT! YOU UNDERSTAND! He's so horribly lonely but also literally everything about his mindset is directly standing in the way of giving him any connection. He holds people to such high standards that they're always going to disappoint him, so he spends time with none of them. He craves constant approval and affection but none of it is enough to satisfy the need for actual connection. So he just goes through shallow relationship after shallow relationship going Yep. This is great. I am happy. And I genuinely think he doesn't realize he's NOT happy because like. When you're in a shitty situation for your entire life you don't necessarily realize things can be Better. So Teru is not captured by claw when other people are, and he can do things that other people can't, so his situation is better than most! Nevermind the fact hey maybe there shouldn't be Claw. Maybe people shouldn't be attacking random kids. Maybe this is all insane. He's just like. Wow I'm so strong and smart for evading claw, because the idea that he just was Lucky would be terrifying and take away his entire sense of safety. He needs to be the smartest toughest guy that Has Ever Existed™ because if he's not, then suddenly he could get captured or die at any moment. And that's suddenly way less haha my life is so cool! The denial juice is strong here.

Literally everything about his introduction episodes is so damn telling. He tells the body improvement club everyone always underestimates him. But he conveniently leaves out how this makes him feel, or if he's offended. We see him lose his shit when Mob says he isn't able to hurt him, so clearly he's far more affected by it than he wants to admit. But he can't be upset by it. It's an Advantage in this Battle he's in. No one takes him seriously, and that means he can get away with more shit, and that means it's easier to beat them in battle! Nevermind the fact that he works his ass off, he is not upset at all, because that would be ridiculous. It's an Advantage. He wraps literally everything in his life that hurts him up in a bow of "Actually, this is good." He cannot admit that anything about him or his life is bad. He cannot admit that he isn't perfect, or that his life isn't just a fun challenge, or that he maybe misses his parents a little bit. He like...just fully submerges himself in the idea of being a character so he doesn't have to realize how easily he could die or have his life ruined. If his parents stop sending him money, he's fucked. If claw beats him, he's fucked. He doesn't have actual connections with people, because he views them too lowly to let them in at all, and he is fucking himself over so hard with it. He needs this to not be terrifying. And he also needs to be in the right, I think. I mean, he treats all of the fights at school like a game. It feeds his ego and it means he's safe. People can't touch him and it feels good to take out his anger (he's just angry that they disrespect him, he has nothing else whatsoever to have unresolved anger about, he is completely fine and is just enjoying being able to wipe that smug smile off that assholes face. He is so okay and well adjusted!) He's just. A mess of weird ass coping mechanisms. If he isn't right, which he definitely is!, suddenly he isn't the main character, suddenly he's not just Doing Whatever, suddenly he's just another asshole. Y'know. Do I make sense. He needs to be right because if he's not right it goes from a fun game to he was just an asshole for no reason and he didn't actually gain anything at all.

God. I need to rewatch EP five, because it's insane and also tells you so much about Teru, I'm sure it's even better on a rewatch. I need to rewatch this show soon or I'll die. But like. God. He takes the idea of the only other natural esper his age he's ever met being different than him SO personally. Because he's right. He is doing everything exactly the way he is supposed to. Clearly this guy is an idiot and weak. That's why he's afraid to fight him. Clearly. He can't comprehend that maybe Mob just straight up doesn't want to hurt him. Mob thinks he's better than him. Mob needs to be taken down a peg. And then he can't hurt Mob. Then he can't break his fucking barrier. Hes fought espers before. He knows how to fight espers. He is perfectly capable of it. He has literally everything he needs to beat him and for the first time he very suddenly Can't. And this person is so different and is treating him like he's having a temper tantrum and isn't following his rules that he's formed his entire life around. Can I interest you in autistic Teru. Can I please interest you in the fact Teru has autism. Please ma'am I just want a minute of your time.

I also feel like. The fact he Needed to idolize Mob is very telling. Mob defeated him so CLEARLY he's so powerful and perfect and amazing. He still can't let go of Being Amazing, of the idea he can't fail for no good reason. He needs Mob to be special or else he means nothing. Or else he's worthless. He needs to mean something. His entire identity is hinged around Mob now which. No pressure. He needs Mob to be perfect or else he's worth Nothing. So he puts him on a huge pedestal so he doesn't have to do any reflecting and now he can have the added bonus of a friend and it's Fine! It is totally fine. He is not affected by the fact he almost killed a man on accident. He is not affected by the fact he may have severely injured several people. He is not affected by the fact Mob could've killed him. He is not affected by the fact he was wrong. None of this affects him at all. He is So Fine.

And then he switched the narrative around to haha I was the one who needed to be taken down a peg. This is fine. My world view is not in shambles. I don't need to reassess anything. Everything that happened to me is still cool and fine and I still matter because I'm in the main characters life. So it's fine. He goes from nothing matters except Me to nothing matters except Kageyama, but at first he's done absolutely zero reconfiguring.

Also like. He romanticized that fight so much. Can we please talk about that. God. Hi. This fucking kid. Someone please like. Get him a therapist and maybe a Capri Sun.

I'm too tired to write more right now and think I should probably go ahead and post but like. Yeah. God. This show. Teru makes way too much damn sense. I want to shake him. What is his problem (just spent several paragraphs analyzing his problem.)

[yuri-is-online]

Sooo Tokyo debunker posted on their Twitter about ep 4

FIRST OF IM VERY EXCITED AND ALSO I DIDNT EXPECT A KAITO APPEARANCE

Maybe it’ll have something to do with either

1. Wanting to be human/normal again?

2. Maybe something about what he gave up for his wish/pact

3. His debt with Romeo? (Even though Luca paid for most of it)

Any predictions or hopes for this ep?

Kaito? My silly boy? I suppose I should have expected him to appear given that he is debt to Romeo and while I am glad to see him again... if anything happens to him we will have to blow the whole school up. agreed? agreed.

I think it probably has to do with his debt more than anything, his homescreen lines imply that he's always hard up for cash and not very good at managing his impulse buys, though a lot of it just seems to be from a want to do normal things with friends. He seems genuinely quite lonely. I won't rule out that it has something to do with wanting to be human again, but I think we'll find that a lot of general admission students have been going missing too and they're already human. So the likely answer is just money.

Predictions/Hopes:

We get involved to save Peekaboo because Taiga kidnapped him, probably as collateral for a debt Haru has. If anything happens to him we should be allowed to help Towa destroy their dorm.

Taiga doesn't remember shooting us in the prologue and probably doesn't care too much about it. I'm not too sure what to make of him but his intro line asking if we think he could have done anything different makes me think he could be a bit sweet on MC. Maybe. Sort of. Like eventually. I just hope he's a different flavor of hater than Leo and if I could be truly selfish I would want to see them fight. He gives big "kidnapped by the mafia" energy and as someone who never has touched or wrote any of those fics, I am prepared to enter my watpad era for you guys. I'll just probably start with Floyd because I have been having thoughts.

Tohma will continue being a sneaky slut. Does he have any connections in Sinostra? Does he want them? He mentions a spy in Book 2 and I feel in my spine that he might be suspicious of Haku. I certainly am, his intentions towards the school seem like they could be less than pure, even if he does seem to like MC.

Luca will be acting a fool if Kaito goes missing because protecting his people is important to him, but Jin won't let him do anything.

Leo will continue to cause problems on purpose and it will further strain his relationship with Sho. It will have something to do with Subaru and Hotarubi, possibly as a set up for the fifth book which will probably be about their dorm.

There seems to be a trend of MC's friends from the previous book having some stuff to say and this might be pure fucking crack but does anyone else get the sense that Taiga and Haru could be related? They've got different last names but are both bad with money and the same genre of ginger. Also don't think I've forgotten that Haru was a transfer to Jabberwock, I've got a slight suspicion that transfer was from Sinostra.

While I am doing lines, Obscuary, the dorm that's missing it's other characters right, I think the janitor we and Haru interact with is their dorm leader because he kind of looks like the guy facing away from the camera in the loading screen. Why he's working as a janitor and not wearing his uniform? No clue but Rui does have a line about taking out trash in on of his random campus encounters but again. This is pure speculation on my part. I do think he'll show up again in this book though. Maybe he's another one of Tohma's boy toys idk

[motohagios]

liberty: lord im so glad to finally find someone just like me out here. it was gettin lonely as hell. there are things i need to talk about that NOBODY here gets

luce: oh well i'm so glad you were able to find someone!! it must be so liberating to be able to finally talk about intersex issues

liberty: what? i'm talking about having someone who knows what whataburger is

luce: o-oh

frol: i fuckin miss whataburger. new york burgers are shit. if i had my druthers they'd open up a damn whataburger here instead of that shake shack bullshit

davey: GASP

liberty: oh simmer down davey. if any of y'all had whataburger just once you'd understand.

davey: i can't.... i can't accept this

liberty: enough of the drama queen antics davey. anyway since we're all here let's get started.

frol: huh? on what

liberty: well first we're gonna go to texas roadhouse here, it ain't as good as actual texan food but i'm fixin to get some steak right now. then we'll go to dunkin 'cause i want one of those pumpkin things. then we're going to watch that damn musical since davey kept crying at me to go watch it so we'll finally get that out of the way. then we're gonna go play billiards down the street from-

frol: hold your hoses.

liberty: huh?

frol: you've got the whole damn night planned out?? you're plumb crazy. i already ate lunch with tada. and i ain't even get a chance to look at that big apple

davey: you're in it

liberty: i mean.... i am the leader here.

frol: the FUCK?? what the fuck are you on about, the LEADER?? is this a damn hierarchy??

liberty: well yeah. i'm the leader of this pack.

frol: that doesn't mean you get to lead ME around. in fact i should be the damn leader not you. i have experience. i'm the leader in my nasa internship group. and i'm more popular with the ladies than YOU.

liberty: they probably just want your damn hair tips rapunzel

frol: you just think you're the leader because you're from new york and new yorkers are snobbish motherfuckers that think the sun comes up just to hear yall crow! but the truth is EVERYBODY. FUCKING. HATES. YALL. the rats here are way better fuckin company

luce: l-language please....

liberty: HOW DARE YOU. I'M A TEXAN BEFORE I'M A NEW YORKER. and if that were true then davey would be a leader too. and he's not. he's like a stray mutt we picked up in an alley that follows us around

davey: a mutt? that follows behind you? in a pack? that would perhaps be referred to as...... a beta wouldn't it? 😊

liberty: besides i have more experience as a leader. being from a gang and all. which is way more important than whatever the fuck nasa is

davey: so if there are betas in this scenario, that would make you.... an alpha. is that it? is that the word liberty? are you an alpha? hypothetically. an alpha? 😄😄😄

liberty: fact is i'm a leader for a REASON.

davey: and a male on top of that as well. and hypothetically an alpha. which makes you....

frol: how the fuck do you not know what nasa is. it's bigger than your west side story asses

luce: guys please don't fight!! this is all just a big miscommunication thing. we're all friends here, liberty's just used to acting like a leader around me and davey because we do work for him, but it's not malicious!!!

frol: it's dumb as fuck. i gotta deal with the same bullshit at school all the time and don't get me started on tada's dumb ass....

liberty: y'know what frol.... i'm sorry. let's just leave this behind. i guess i'm just on edge and all ever since they took home on the range off netflix.... you and i can understand each other in ways others won't. and i really don't want to lose out on a rare bond like this.

luce: y-yeah! come on, think of whataburger guys!!

liberty: what? i'm talking about us being intersex. why would i keep a friend over whataburger luce

luce: i....

frol: we're going to krispy kreme and then the planetarium.

liberty: fine.

[max1461]

[Decided to make this its own post instead of, uh, kind of literally trauma-dumping in somebody's notes. In response to this post.]

I don't disagree with this. My parents wanted me to take piano lessons as a kid, and I didn't want to, and eventually they relented. When I got to be an adult, I found myself really wishing I'd continued with those piano lessons. Ultimately I do think the were right to err on the side of non-coercion here, since I think the potential costs of forcing your kids to do stuff can be pretty high, but I don't resent at all the fact that they put me in piano lessons to begin with and strongly encouraged me to stay. I think that was the right move!

On the other hand my parents pressured me enormously around reproductive stuff, pressured me constantly to "make them a bunch of grandkids", and where generally unsupportive of my desire for gender non-conformity as a teenager (such that I didn't end up feeling comfortable expressing it, and was much less happy as a result). They also basically kept me locked up in the house, with the exception of school, until I left for college. The first time I was ever in a public place without their supervision I was 19 years old. I wasn't allowed to go out on my own, wasn't allowed to go to friends' houses (at least as a kid; by my mid-teens the issue was moot because my only friend had moved away, and I'm sure they would tell me that at that point I totally was allowed to go to friends' houses...), was strongly discouraged from expressing myself in the ways that I wanted to... and the upshot is that I felt lonely and miserable as a teenager.

When I went to college I got a little more freedom, though they still found ways to prevent me and my sister from doing stuff they didn't approve of. In retrospect this is the period in which they pulled their least-forgivable stunts, I assume because they felt their control was the most threatened.

They have recognized the wrongness of most of this now, or at least most of the worst of it, but... well, that doesn't really help me with the shit that's lastingly fucked up as a result.

Anyway I guess my point is that "I wish I'd dyed my hair at 14" is almost verbatim a though I have had, but I'm coming at it from the opposite direction—my parents pressured me not to do stuff like that, to fit their restrictive mold, and I'm definitely worse off for it. Which is not to invalidate OP's experience here at all, like... feelings of missed experiences in youth are something I can relate to very deeply, and I don't imagine I would feel any better about it if the etiology had been different. Which I guess is my point, in general agreement with triv: parenting is really hard, children are a hard ethical problem, and while I think my parents did a lot of things wrong, I can easily imagine a all kinds of other approaches being equally wrong.

And like, my parents did a lot of things right! They never hit me, they always strongly encouraged me to question authority (they never quite understood themselves as an authority), and there were forms of respect that they extended to me as a young kid that I think are almost never extended to young kids (even by liberal/anti-authoritarian parents), and for that I am enormously thankful.

I can remember being a kid, and having them tell me about how their parents never supported them, and how they would support me in anything I wanted to do and no matter who I was. And I think when they said that, they really believed it. They didn't realize those other parents pressured their kids into some particular lifestyle not out of mustache-twirling evil, but out of a real genuinely desire to "protect" their kids or see them succeed in certain ways. And when my parents felt those things themselves, they thought they were different. They didn't realize they were doing the same thing all those other parents had done, that they could so easily see to be harmful from the outside.

I think the way I was parented is kind of a story of... how easy it is to lose sight of what you care about, or claim to care about, when it's not in your interests. My parents said all the right things! And to their credit, they did a lot of the right things. But they also failed to live up to their values a lot. In big, glaring ways that I still don't really understand how they missed.

Wonder if that's why I don't put so much stock in what people claim to believe half the time.

[totheidiot]

why i would be the avatar of the following entities

post heavily inspired by the wonderful mutual who is @cult-of-the-eye ❤️ i missed the entities who i couldn't figure out what my connection to would be. the list is in alphabetical order for organisation. a few heavy topics ahead? but i try not to get too detailed with it. post is basically my connection to the fear entities and correlating my life experiences with them.

one. the corruption : i kid you not, if i was actually an avatar, this is who i would be. without a single doubt. let's see, not to going to get too in depth, but my best friend died of dengue a while back ya da ya da ya da after she died, i fell in love with her. disease. love. fucked up stuff. you get it.

two. the desolation : there was a fire they would burn outside my old school, to burn garbage and all of that. after a particularly difficult day at school, i would always walk over there and sit myself near the fire, just stare at it. sometimes i would burn little things like paper when i was feeling very angry. that pit of fire was a friend and i had liked to watch it burn. also self-destructive behaviour.

three. the end : refer to the corruption bits. my best friend's fate would tie into the end for me. also, my most major fear, ever since i knew about the concept of having a fear, was the fear of losing loved ones. so.

four. the extinction : okay, so last year, i believe, a thing happened in my city in bangladesh. for a night, the power of the entire city shut down. no electricity in any household, the generator was shut off, not even cellular data was working. so i am talking, no lights, no internet, not even a way to call by phone. load shedding, we had to use candles. it was a weekday night too, streetlights weren't working properly and there was no way for my father to contact us to tell us that he was safe. my mother thought that the prime minister had left the country for us to suffer. pure chaos. basic technology would not work, ovens and refrigerators needed an electrical connection obv and phones were useless. i was talking about this event and the post with my sister the other day and she suggested to add this to the dark, because no light but i feel like it fits the extinction way better for reasons i cannot formulate.

five. the eye : quiet, perceptive friend who just looks odd. you know the type, that was me. i was obsessed with gathering knowledge, i had a random fun fact for every subject. i prided myself with knowing a little about everything. furthermore, i have got this uncanny ability to just Know people's secrets?? okay suppose, my friend has a secret and she's hiding something from everyone. like it's a totally small thing, she likes someone but she doesn't want anyone to know. chances are, i will know. whether it's by observing their body language or thinking it over or just lucky guess, i will know. and the thing is, i will pretend not to know too. girl decided to tell us about that crush i will act shocked like everyone else, for no reason and then i'll go up to them in private and be like, "hey, i knew it. i guessed it last week."

i don't have anything for the meat related fears (fortunately?)

six. the lonely : *puts on a presentation on why i should be a lonely avatar and goes to the first slide* your boy has Social Anxiety. but in all seriousness, isolation, loneliness, it's all second nature to me. i get bothered when people are with me and even then, it feels like they are not? like people will be talking near me and it would feel like i am not even part of their world like. it's like watching a video of people talking like i am not involved in that, even though they are right next to me. they will try to include me in their conversation maybe, but that's not where i am? how can we exist in the same plane?

seven. the spiral : this is a fun one ! most mutuals probably already know this because i talk about it so so darn often but irl, most people actually call me the idiot ! all of my friends from bangladesh, almost every classmate calls me the idiot, to the point where i actually rarely used to hear me real (albeit dead) name spoken out loud. this kind of ties into the "there is no such thing as a real name" thing. also sometimes, late in the night, i will see and remember things and wake up the next day to find that it never happened ever. once, i was talking to my mother and i mentioned her like going to a hostel because she told me stories of how she attended a hostel in eighth grade and she starred at me. she told me that she had never attended a hostel and i was like, yes?? you did?? you always told me about jt?? and she was genuinely scared.

eight. the vast: talked about this once before but once, i was listening to the magnus archives three in the morning, it was one of the space episodes. got scared and suddenly, i had that urge to look out the window and i saw stars. in a light pollution world, where seeing the moon is uncommon, i see five or six stars. still to this day, do not know if i was imagining things.

that is it for all the spooky happenings that are happening.

[not-available-for-comment]

Sleep deprived and rambling about yuri today apparently

Keepers:

The Two of Them Are Pretty Much Like This by Takashi Ikeda - Gentle slice of life about two semi-closeted women in the anime industry: a young up-and-coming voice actor and a slightly older writer. (Early 20s and right around 30, respectively.) Established relationship, any conflict is minor and of the typical "learning to live together" sort. Occasional, usually post-coital, nudity.

A White Rose in Bloom by Asumiko Nakamura - Vaguely gothic English boarding school romantic entanglement between a pretty and emotionally frank underclassman (underclasswoman?) and the icily reserved but secretly kind Balkan refugee upperclass…woman. Nothing racier than kissing so far, fucking gorgeous art, seems to be improving as it goes on.

SHWD by sono.N - Absolutely bonkers horror/yuri crossover in which a trio of women built like bodybuilders fight big gloopy psyche-destroying monsters, lounge around naked in the baths after, and occasionally engage in homoerotically charged sparring matches. Plenty of nudity, no sex yet (have only read volume 1, which is the only one released in hardcopy).

Doughnuts Under A Crescent Moon by Shio Usui - I avoided this one for a while because it *does* have a treacly name, and it's turned out to have a very lesbi-ace approach, which I can't imagine will help its reputation much (yes I've seen the tumblr post). But it's also a really beautifully written examination of the process of coming out to yourself as an adult (albeit a young one), and both the core relationship and the secondary characters are very well-written. I think I'm only missing the last volume, and I'm looking forward to completing the story.

To Try:

Asumi-chan is Interested in Lesbian Brothels! by Kuro Itsuki - A girl hears her first crush is working at a local brothel and resolves to visit them all until she finds her. Sounds like sudsy fun and I’m interested to see what the erotic sensibility will be since my other encounter with lesbian sex workers in Japan is in My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness. Which on the one hand has one of the most profound meditations on sex I’ve read and on the other hand has a ~very different sensibility~.

Our Teachers Are Dating! by Pikachi Ohi - I mean, to be honest I'm always going to at least consider a series that's about adults. But this one has good reviews for the main couple's chemistry, and apparently they are loved and supported by their community, which I enjoy in any romance but especially in a queer one. Plus apparently it gets spicy! 👀

My Androgynous Boyfriend by Tamekou - A beautiful kept boyfriend and his hardworking girlfriend. I like my men pretty and my het/het-passing relationships nontraditional. Will definitely at least try the first volume.

On The Fence:

Love Me For Who I Am by Kata Konayama - Lonely nonbinary teen finds community and maybe love at a nontraditional maid cafe. Honestly the blurb sounds like something I'd adore, but considering the main character is in tears on the cover of volume 2 I'm afraid of it turning out to be melodrama farming rather than a good story.

Goodbye, My Rose Garden by Pepperco - Reading between the lines of the blurb, a Japanese novelist ends up broke in Victorian England and takes a job as a maid, only for her new [probably lesbian] mistress to ask her to kill her. Instead, they kindle a relationship. I mean... sounds lugubrious. But reviews are actually good. I'll think about it.

Ditch:

Days of Love At Seagull Villa by Kodama Naoko - I want to like Kodama's writing (I've also read her one-shot, I Married My Best Friend To Shut My Parents Up!) because her premises are often engaging. But her pacing is usually incoherent and she tends to over-rely on boob jokes and under-develop her emotional arcs. It's probably unfair to tap out of a series for being under-developed at Volume 1, but I just don't see improvement from the one-shot and there are better ways to spend my money.

[saberghatz]

1-70

OH MY GODODOD CRACKING MY KNUCKLES

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? YES PRETTY GOOD!!

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My friends :')

03: Do you regret anything? Like a billion things that I won't get into here >:)

04: Are you insecure? Only on Fridays

05: What is your relationship status? SINGLE YEAAA BOIEEIEEEE

06: How do you want to die? In my sleep would be the most ideal tbh I'm down for that

07: What did you last eat? Ritz crackers and peanut butter;;.....

08: Played any sports? IN MY LIFE? YEA!! RECENTLY? UHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh

I hate playing on teams so I usually just fuck about on my own or with friends, you'll never catch me joining like actual sports teams again

09: Do you bite your nails? Surprisingly no o-o

10: When was your last physical fight? Too long ago. I'm really itching. SOMEONE PLEASE SPAR WITH ME

11: Do you like someone? I WISH I DID. FUCK.

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? HEEELL NAW I'M LIKE A GRANDMA WHEN IT COMES TO GOING TO BED EARLY (against my will, i am simply a tired bitch)

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? Everyone except the people I don't hate

14: Do you miss someone? Deeply :D

15: Have any pets? I don't have any personally, but my mom has two kitties named Nikki and Tessie. When I go visit her, I get to see them too. She had them since before I moved away, so I still consider them kind of my cats :')

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Lonely enough to do this, but also happy enough to do this

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? I thought this said 'have you ever made it out of the bathroom' and I'm like honestly no my ibs could never

On that note, no but call me

18: Are you scared of spiders? No :(

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? I'd go back to a time before I was born, definitely the 70s or 80s just to experience it for awhile.

But if I was limited to only going back in time during the years I was alive, no I would never go back. I feel like I've learned a lot over the years and I don't want to lose that progress

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? Probably the airport

21: What are your plans for this weekend? MY ROOMMATE BLAIR HAS A CHOW CHOW PUPPY AND WE'RE TAKING HER TO A DOGGIE SOCIAL ON SATURDAY. Also maybe going to an art show/mall on Sunday.

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? Zero, have you seen the state of the world??

23: Do you have piercings? How many? I have ear piercings, but I think they closed up :// I REGRET LETTING THEM CLOSE

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? Like in school? That's a lifetime ago oh god Science

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes almost everybody I've ever known, whether it ended on good or bad terms. I am simply a sentimental soul with a horrible memory

26: What are you craving right now? Making out with a stranger that I know

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? @_@;;;.... yea

28: Have you ever been cheated on? No

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? PROBABLY, I'M SORRY IF SO

30: What’s irritating you right now? Social media is grating on my fucking nerves, so much so that I'm weening off insta and twitter and I've ended up back here. Right here.

31: Does somebody love you? If so lemme know

32: What is your favourite color? Pink, white, gold

33: Do you have trust issues? Fortunately not

34: Who/what was your last dream about? I think I dreamed I was Percy Jackson and I was befriending some monsters instead of killing them.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? My roommate like literally yesterday :D

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? I'd give anyone a second chance, but I don't think I'd give a third chance.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? I forgive because I don't hold grudges and then my memory is so rotten that I forget why I was mad in the first place

38: Is this year the best year of your life? ITS BARELY 2024 SO I CAN'T ANSWER YET

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 16 I think. Shout out to Solangelo

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? No but this made me realize I never have, and now I want to

51: Favourite food? I can't think of anything, so like I do at restaurant menus I'll default to chicken strips :)

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Yes 100%

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? shower, work on writing my fics, jerk off, draw, you decide what order

54: Is cheating ever okay? Never, unless your partner knows but then its not chEATING IS IT

55: Are you mean? Honestly maybe

56: How many people have you fist fought? Not enough (none. please. please spar with me I need to train)

57: Do you believe in true love? I believe some people believe in it and can find that for themselves. I hope I become one of them

58: Favourite weather? If I can't wear a bikini, I'm sad. But crisp Autumn mornings also hit like no other..

59: Do you like the snow? I love visiting the snow, I wouldn't want to live in the snow

60: Do you wanna get married? I haven't really thought about it lately. So currently, I guess not xD

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Hell yea, but turn up the heat

62: What makes you happy? @hyenahijinks @yuuidflourite @comets-nix and drawing

63: Would you change your name? Some people call me Grace which I like a lot, it's my middle name tho

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? I'd totally do it, but I'd probably get that fist fight I've been begging for instead

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Been there done that, we over it and stronger than ever >:)

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? @hyenahijinks ILY bitch

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? @hyenahijinks

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? LOL MY MOM TODAY ACTUALLY

69: Do you believe in soulmates? ARE TRUE LOVE AND SOULMATES NOT THE SAME THING

70: Is there anyone you would die for? My friends and parents 100% but I'm also not like super attached to breathing to begin with so the decision would be very easy

THATS A HELL OF A WAY TO END AN ASK MEME THANK YOU FOR ASKING THESE HUMPHREY

[judasgodness]

Aro week

I'm going to talk a lot about loneliness here because it's my experience as an aromantic having, amazingly, my own life and psychological and social problems to deal with.

Before discovering myself aroace, I always thought about how good this sexuality should be, because someone who doesn't feel romantic or sexual attraction is someone who was born completely armored. Someone who had no chance of getting a broken heart must have been born very lucky. God really does have his favorites.

I already knew it wasn't quite like that, but I found (and still do) that illusion amusing.

However, as I got to know this sexuality more, I identified myself and became even more familiar with it, but I denied it because it was impossible for me to have been "born armored", after all I am afraid of spending the rest of my life alone, despite since then this is an idea that I've made peace with.

But I'm not the only aroace who feels that way, right? Someone who has emotions and is lonely (in the romantic sense or who feels that they are not the priority in someone's life) feels the loneliness solidifying as time goes by.

And I'm certainly not the only one who has "forced" himself to like someone or just stuck with a certain person because he didn't know and didn't want to deal with his own frustrations alone.

Although the idea of ​​being lonely is something I've come to terms with, when I find myself thinking about the future I imagine two situations: one where someone is interested in me romantically, it's not reciprocated and we move away. It's an imagination of my desire to be desired mixed with the only realistic end I can think of. And in the other I imagine myself living in a place close to the beach, with children and having the same closeness that I have today with my family and friends, and in this imagined future I realize that I am genuinely happy, even in the only way I know how to live: more distant and lonely.

So that's how I realized that I still want to have a family, living close to my favorite place. And there's no one like my life partner in this dream simply because I don't imagine that person could exist. Even if it makes me a little sad to think that I'll never be someone's priority, it's still a comfortable dream, it's still something I wish I had just because, put it that way, it feels like there's something missing.

But if something or someone comes along, it's welcome.

However, despite all this loneliness that I feel is something very real, it's not the only thing.

Imagine that you are assembling a puzzle little by little, but the last piece is lost somewhere and when you finally find it, you think you were in the most obvious place in the world and rush to fit it in its rightful place.

This is exactly how I feel every time I find something about myself. The path to discovering yourself aro(ace) is certainly a journey and, depending on the person, the fear of loneliness will be something that will haunt you for a long time, but still the feeling of "fuck it all makes sense" is there, mainly because with that understanding comes the realization that there's nothing wrong with you just because you didn't have any interest in a romantic relationship in high school, or curiosity (enough) to want to try dating and casual sex even though you're already 19 years old.

And sometimes I can feel attracted to someone to the point of imagining a lifetime with that person, but that (at least so far) doesn't mean that I have real interest in living all those things with that person. Sometimes I just want to imagine how I imagine any other story anyway. Because it's cool, because that person aroused this interest in me and it's something comfortable. Or sometimes because I really had a crush on the person.

But the saddest (and most revolting) thing (because everything I've said so far is my own thing) is when I feel the questions and judgments coming out of people's pores who think I'm weird because I don't have anyone I like.

"Ah but surely you already liked someone", already, nothing happened and nothing changed.

"But is there anyone who likes you?" If there is, I don't know, but it's probably going to be someone I don't want.

You know, asking me if someone likes me or if I'm interested in someone or if I'm seeing someone just makes me unhappy, because it reminds me that, in this world, I'm basically alone and even rejected, which makes me feel feel weird, pissed off and depressed.

Weird because "what do you mean I don't have anyone?"

Pissed because "fuck I have no peace in this shit".

Depressed because "nobody wants me (if someone shows up wanting me I don't. Let me wallow in my drama in peace)".

[translucent-at-best]

Scatter-brained...

I want some dick. My friends want me to get some dick. The difference is... they want me to have any old dick and I need more than that. I'm not tolerating anybody who's not as dedicated to my orgasm as I am to theirs.

The Mango Berry whipped shea butter from Nappily Naturals be having folks stuck. I love smelling delicious and being told I smell delicious. I know I've mentioned this before, but it really and truly never gets old.

People referring to the start of their loc journey as "the ugly phase" irk me. Is it different? Yes. Is it a learning experience getting used to your hair in the beginning stages? Absolutely. But there's nothing ugly about you and there's nothing ugly about having locs (as a Black person).

God knew we would've taken that first place we applied to in a heartbeat had we not gotten denied. It didn't make sense at the time, but the more that I think about it, the place we ended up getting approved for is absolutely the right place for me. The fact that it's rent-controlled alone means I may finally be done moving out here, which is huge. Add to that the fact that it comes with everything we wanted in a place, is on the top floor so we don't have to deal with anyone above us, and is in a great location? God, You really be out here God-ding. Thank you.

I went to a party earlier last week and saw a lot of famous people there. I saw Damson Idris, heard Pedro Pascal was there, and met Amorphous and Courtney Taylor. It felt very LA and although I wasn't starstruck per se, it was very much a "we're not in Kansas anymore" moment.

Riding in a car after someone's been in your pussy and going over bumps and being reminded how sensitive your clit still is >>>

I had a friend over to help me pack up my room. He unexpectedly gave me a foot rub. Completely unprompted. He didn't know, but it was my first time getting one. The unprompted part really got to me. It's not lost on me at all that he didn't have to. It's also not lost on me how nice it felt. It's not often I feel lonely, but I can't lie... that shit had me wanting to see about a relationship* a lotta bit.

I'm mentoring a high school student to help them write their college essay and I'm really excited about it. I'm at an elementary school right now, and I miss working with the high school population so much. I mean Chelle luh da kids and all, but the little ones just be so sticky all the damn time lol. I love talking to older students and helping them figure out what they want to do after they graduate.

Black men are so stunning and gorgeous and beautiful and handsome and I love telling them as much. I love seeing the way their faces light up when I give them compliments.

I've been trying to think of a nicer, gentler way to say this, but... I want so badly to be fucked and fucked well. I've never thought of or referred to myself as a size queen, and while this is not me doing that, I absolutely need enough dick to hit the bottom of my shit. I want to be fucked and filled and told I look good while I'm taking it all. I-- I thought I knew what horny was. But this ovulating over 30 shit? Jesus Hakeem Christ...

[paralien]

Is it dual wielding 50% school and night shifts or is it me that's giving me at work panic attacks. is it a me issue? sorry I'm like barely holding back a world breaking anxiety/panic attack at work and using all my will power to sit very still and breathe normally so this might be a long one but like, is it a me issue? am I just bad at managing my time and myself and is it me that's causing the world to feel like it's ending?

I mean, the world feels like it's ending for very many reasons that like, I refuse to properly share even on the over sharing website or w people i know which might be it like. I've got it in my head that as long as I just suck it up well enough it'll somehow disappear into a deep dark void never to be seen again and magically, somehow, my friends will talk to me again and I'll stop feeling so awfully world breakingly heart crushing lonely which doesn't even make sense. Because I'm currently living with my best friend and i love them so much so why do i feel so heart breakingly lonely and as if my life is irrapearily broken and destroyed and nothing will ever be well again?

I just, I have a 0 tolerance now for anything going wrong and it's making me isolate because I don't want to lash out but im also tired of the fact that all that'll excit my mouth is hi how are you doing I've been crying for a week straight ♡ like hello shut up shut up shut up what the fuck no one cares! that's stupid shut up! suck it up! I go to work i attend my classes I don't have any time to do my schoolwork bc all i do is sleep and then wake up for work and work and it has to be a me thing how can't I actually find the time to do it I'm supposed to have 8hrs free for school work but all i do is sleep.

I want to be kinder i need to be kinder i need people to love me and miss me and care if I'm here but I currently feel like if I didn't no one would even notice because why would they? I feel so awful. And i dont get it i try so hard to be nice and supportive and kind but does it matter? does it matter. does it? it's so childish. it's so insanely childish I'm in my mid 20s so how can I suddenly end up so unstable iut of nowhere? I'm exhausted of being exhausted and I'm tired of being lonely but I'm too terrified to reach out to people because if they don't do it first and havent done it first in weeks then why does it matter?

I want too much. I think that's what it all boils down to. I want too much and i can't have it and I can't speak up about wanting it either because how childish is that? how childish how foolish how absolutely ridiculous. how stupid.

I wish I could break into a million pieces and everyone would say how sad and they'd feel sorry for me but i can't those pieces are no ones responsibility but my own. how silly how foolish i just want attention but that's selfish so so selfish so i can't ask for it. I just want a hug. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to hold me in a tight embrace for hours until I feel steady again like i can breathe again and i think I had a realization and I can't I can't. I don't want to be selfish i don't want to be a burden i don't want them to grow tired of me. I feel like people have already grown tired of me. I've grown tired of me. and I've had a realization and I think ill take it to my grave because I cannot say it i can't how foolish. how absolutely folish. how selfish. how absolutely selfish you are

[liamgallaghermpreg]

personal

god, as i get closer and closer to 29 my baby fever is SO bad. it's insane how real 'biological clock' is for me, in a way that it doesn't seem to be for any of my friends. it's incredibly lonely to be the only one who wants a child; especially as a transmasc queer person. my friends are supportive, for which i am grateful (in fact, they often talk about community raising with me which warms my goddamn heart), but nobody else wants to get pregnant and have a baby as badly as i do, so far as i know. i just know i was meant to be a mother and i think if i never have children i'll feel like something is missing from my life. and it's so, SO lonely. my generation has broken out of the mold of being expected to have children, which is awesome! nobody should have them if they don't want! but it means i'm constantly surrounded by discourse that tries to assign moral weight to wanting or not wanting kids. especially in the queer community. and that just. that just sucks. there is no moral weight to wanting or not wanting kids. it is a complete neutral. and i already have such incredibly complicated feelings about it due to the climate of the world. i try to keep myself sane by telling myself that every time there is extreme conservative sway in politics, about 10 years later there's a massive counterculture swing. but the world is dying! and inflation keeps happening! and how do i reconcile raising a kid in that environment! and i seem to be terminally single, so unless i meet a partner in the next couple years, how can i financially swing this alone? it deeply depresses me and i find myself immensely jealous of the people i went to high school with that are married with children. why can't that be me? but of course, i live in a totally different plane than these cishet people and it's just...different. i have to take into account that i am a masc person who will be pregnant. that will be dangerous! just. i hate that there's so many factors at play here and i want kids SO BAD. i keep trying to tell myself that people will procreate no matter what, and that kids should be raised by people who want them, like me. i just wish it didn't come with five million complications, and i really wish i wasn't fucking single.

[barbieslayer08]

Thought I had a handle on life. But like always when things start going to well, the rug got pulled out from under me. It's my own fault. I know it is. I've always managed to fuck up every thing in my life with out fail. Idk why i do it to myself. Probably something a therapist could figure out. But I'm broke as a joke. And now I don't even have a car. No we don't have public transportation either. Taxis are outrageous. $65 to go 3 miles. So now I have 16 hours to find a new car for less then $1000. Or miss the next 2 days of work and have about $1400. But I might lose my job, but I have a chance at a better paying job, but I really, really like my job where I'm at. But I don't really have Lot of time to spend with my son. I don't have enough time to most days. Only 30 mins 4 days a week and all day Friday and Saturday and all morning Sunday and then he either sees him dad or is at the baby sitter. But I get off work at off hours and he gets off work the same time so he picks him up from the sitter and sleeps at night at his house. And I get up and was working myday job doordashing when I can, or running errands. He goes to school in the afternoon. He's only 3. But he goes for 3 hours. I would always pick him up from school. I work at 4. That's all I get. I miss him most days. I just bought a bigger bed so we can both fit and snuggle if he has a bad dream. Kinda hard to snuggle on a twin. But hey! We have our own place! It's a 2 bedroom in section 8. But the neighbors are quiet. And I can walk through every inch of this place and honestly say all of its mine. Not a single stick of furniture belongs to anyone but me. Even the very small amount of decorations. But I hand picked every single one I do have. Even made a few! Sorry this really started with me feeling really lonely. Now I know that it doesn't matter. Either I get a car tomorrow and I keep my job, or I lose it and get better options but it'll mean alot more work. I'd say I'll have the self discipline to keep the new job. Sorry again. Think kinda turned into a life dump. I cried 3 times while typing this. Sorry if anything is miss spelled. If I go back and to read this I'll just end up erasing it instead. But I kinda want thins to just exist somewhere other then just on my heart. And if I trie to talk to my friends about this then just kinda brush it off like ya that sucks, here's a story about something way worse that happened in my life that's gonna make u feel really stupid for being upset about this shit. And I know they don't mean to make me feel that way but it's still happens. And I don't trust therapists. I don't trust anyone who could forcibly make me have a grippy sock vacation but I don't want one. I can't. If I stop for any reason right now it would set me so far back idk if I could make it back. I forced my way up the mountain to where I am now, and I can't alow myself to slide back. Not again. I have to control my adhd. I have to. I can't keep allowing myself to fuck up good thing, and valling victim to bad choices. I need a damn saying. Something that reminds me to keep my shit together. I'd get it tattooed on my arm first chance I could afford it.

I feel better now. I know this will never be read by anyone. I know that. But that's ok. I just wanted to feel like I finally told someone. And for just once that didn't stop half way through to tell me a much sadder story and that they know how I feel. No they don't. They never do. But hey thanks for listening. Thank you for just listening. I feel pretty numb now so I'm going to bed now. Maybe the world will be better tomorrow. Maybe it won't. Can't wait to find out if it's going to be a step up or 6 steps back with a muddy uphill climb in the rain.

#adventuresofdepression #lifedump

#ifeelbetternow #feelfreetodothesame