#i am so far from having consistent internet connection where i am

[dogin8]

Wilbur Soot has obviously read the Callmecarson handbook on how to handle being outed as an awful individual

[sgiandubh]

Live with it

Dear Masquerading Anon,

There is no need to shout, it is very rude and translates as hate speech. And it is absolutely ridiculous to bet on something you will never be able to prove, simply because you can never prove something that never happened.

I am a senior Government official, with already a twenty-two year long career in various positions, who was sent by my ministry on a diplomatic mission to Athens from 2018 to 2024, under the umbrella of our MFA and as part of our Embassy team. This has been confirmed many times, including by people of this community who used (and still do) my mail address and my private phone numbers, both in Greece and at home. I am currently home, waiting for my next tour abroad, which has been decided upon and requires a lengthy ongoing procedure. I have consistently offered more evidence about myself and my real life than you ever offered about your own identity, whoever you might be.

Why do I have the unpleasant impression I do know who you are, having kicked you out a long time ago, from my page? If I remember well, you have always insisted to know who I was, what I did for a living, where I lived, and so on. I could be wrong, of course, but at the moment, I tend to doubt it.

Connecting that other blogger's decision to deactivate and any intervention from me is supposing I have far more leverage or interest in her person than I ever did and plain demented. Bet you'll never be able to explain how I would have managed to do it, nor the logic fracture between me being a civilian (according to you, since you stated I was a liar, therefore nobody) and the same civilian nobody being suddenly able to have someone else deactivate a blog I only superficially read, and not really cared about.

The same above person's decision to block me was never explained, but explicit enough. She and I never talked and she was never mentioned on this page. Another blogger, now deceased, came in my DMs shortly before or afterwards (not caring, I do not remember exactly when, on that timeline) to utter menace and the same accusations of content robbing. I felt beyond insulted and had no idea what she was talking about or to whom she thought she was talking to. But I also understood I was talking to an elderly, perhaps fragile woman and chose to remain silent about it. With all due respect for someone who passed away, I will make an exception from my DM non-disclosure rule and give you that very short conversation:

Note the date: June 28, 2023. I have to confess it was the first time I was under this kind of online pressure and I did not take it very well. Yet, I carried on, with no fuss and no drama. I simply hope the person that so cavalierly approached me found peace and knows, by now, the truth of this circumstance. I honestly believe she does, and cannot hold a grudge, in her case: de mortuis, nisi bene. That does not mean I forgot about it, mind you.

Following this incident and some other people putting direct or indirect pressure on me, I took the decision (and appropriate steps, with regard to my own life circumstances) to be as open as I could afford about myself. I believe I was always civilized to people who approached me in a civilized manner, always admitted my mistakes and always appropriately credited any blogger whose work I have used or who tipped me. Even those who did not want to be mentioned: politeness always finds a way. I have nothing to be ashamed of, so to speak, on account of my presence in this community.

About @gabysachs' very recent insinuations of me robbing evidence discussed by Diggsydogsquee, which might have triggered you to post this Anon, well… A browser is a thing of wonder, indeed, because it keeps trace of every single thing one does on the Internet. It's called the 'History' tab and is very useful.

For example, I have posted that thing apparently bothering many of you exactly on Monday, at 04:08 AM, local time:

I usually write as I research and adjust upon proofreading, which has often landed me in boiling water. It is what it is and again, I always confessed my sins and sought atonement (I know you are familiar with this vocabulary). To prepare that particular post, here is the activity log, recording the webpages I have consulted and then screen capped. Beware, it is a long backwards roster, from the most recent to the first consulted webpages - research is a tedious affair, after all:

Highlighted above are the webpages I believe @gabysachs thought I might have robbed from her friend's now deactivated blog. In reality, the hitch.co.uk reference is one of the top ten links listed by Google when you look for 'foreign citizens getting married in Ibiza'. I chose that particular one, because it was reasonably recent (2022) and a British source:

You were saying?

Thought so. And no, darling. I am not going anywhere. Learn to live with it.

PS: You are not even blocked. Cobbling this post was so annoyingly long that I lost the Anon draft in the process. A Tumblr glitch, I suppose, of which there are many.

[smilestrawbunny]

Hey! Just a heads up, I'm sending this to multiple people, since I wanna get as many different viewpoints on this as I can. I hope this doesn't bother you. Also, this is pretty long.

So, I have a question about gamedev, but more on the marketing/presence side.

Most gamedevs I know, even hobbyist ones, keep their accounts relatively professional. Sure, they may shitpost here and there, but it's mostly in relation to their games, the gamedev sphere in general, or very general inoffensive stuff. And, most importantly, I've seldom seen my favorite gamedevs (or any of my favorite internet personalities, for that matter) comment on random videos unrelated to what type of content they usually post.

All of my social media accounts are quite unprofessional. I've also had them for a long time, so there are a few things on my digital footprint that I'd rather people not see. I also, for lack of a better way of explaining, watch and read random shit and like to leave comments on it sometimes.

I feel like, I were to become a gamedev, I wouldn't be able to do that anymore. I'd have to treat my internet presence as its own balancing act, rather than a place for me to express myself unabashedly. I know this is working under the assumption that I would get big and that people would give a damn about me, but there is always the off chance of that happening. Of a random game you make suddenly blowing up because it hit the algorithm just right. So it's better to be prepared. And even if I don't get that big boom in popularity, I still plan to at least make games consistently enough to build a community of their own. Nothing like, huge, but I really enjoy the idea of people enjoying my work and sharing that enjoyment with others. But I don't want that to cross over into my personal life!

I know that's not an impossible feat, but I feel like it kind of destroys the purpose of the internet for me. To me, it's always been a safe space where I could express myself and easily connect with people with similar viewpoints, but I am now coming to odds with this concept as I consider how I want to become a gamedev.

There's also the side note that I don't wanna rebrand. At least not completely. I don't mind cleaning up my accounts or deleting some old ones, but I've grown very attached to being "Quamai". I can't imagine myself having any other online identity, even if there are some cringy moments attached to it.

So, do you have any advice for my situation? How did you personally go about your own online image, and what do you think is the best course of action?

Thank you in advance!

Oh, I am such a funny person to come to about this- I never let being a game dev stop me from interacting with works I like, haha! Maybe that’s just because I’m a smaller creator, though. Just recently I posted death note fan art, I’m currently working up the courage to post about fandom related ocs, and I’m hosting a game jam encouraging fan works that might be considered “cringy.”

The people who like you and your work will still be there regardless. You can count on that as a fact! So why should you stop yourself from having fun?

Life is far too short to be worried about your public image to such a high degree. Like you said, these are already things that you actively do to express yourself and enjoy! So if it gives you any semblance of comfort, I’ll start doing even more “unprofessional” things to help you out there <3 /pos

[trayoftrinkets]

I think it is about time I sell my soul to Brothers Without A Tomorrow because I really do not know how else to thank them for consistently putting out such amazing works— yes, I finally caught up with Dear Zero and am currently experiencing the worst existential crisis of the year so far.

Like I want to throw myself off a cliff so bad because how can something so perfect just exist? It should be kept in a temple and worshipped because oh. my. fucking. god.

The concept? Mindblowing.

The worldbuilding? Jawdropping.

The story so far? Impeccable.

The characters? My new obsession.

The art? Should be worshipped by all of humanity for all the years to come.

I'm happy that this precious piece of media is my introduction to guideverse, a genre that I've been meaning to explore for quite sometime now but did not know from where to begin. But now that I've gotten a taste of this hidden fruit, I think I will be digging through the darkest corners of the internet to find more. But before all that, let's go back to bwat because this is a bwat appreciation post and I need to yap about them.

To say that I'm obsessed with their writing and their art would be an understatement. I will forever be grateful to the stars that allowed me to be alive at the same time as this person and I'm not even being dramatic, I really do owe them my life.

I was first introduced to their works by my best friend, who had asked me to read Taming the Tiger. And when I tell you I felt my world shift.. l mean it in the way that I finally unlocked a door that would let me experience some of the strongest feelings I've ever felt while engaging with any form of media. Like, you know I absolutely love pretty art and amazing stories, right?

So when the two blended in such a seamless way that ticked every one of my boxes, how can you expect me to not vibrate at the frequency of light and erupt into flames? I MEAN LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THEM.

Not to mention how some of the illustrations reminded me so much of ranwan. You know it's serious when my brain connects something to ranwan. I really was fighting for my life out here. And those side stories? Oh, I was sobbing into my pillow, alright.

A few months later, after I was finally able to take in all of Taming the Tiger, I decided it was time to read Miscreants and Mayhem. It was a spur of the moment kind of decision, but oh boy did it spur me to jump off the nearest cliff because Juicy. Fucking. Citrus.

Pleek do mind the tags on this one if you haven't read it yet and/or are planning on reading.

It was a total surprise. In all sense of the word. If you've known me long enough, you know I am always on the hunt for stories with subversive tropes, morally grey black characters and, well, downright the most problematic shit you could imagine. And this manhwa managed to tick some of those boxes. I did have an issue with some stuff but in the grand scheme of things, it was all fine.

I started Smyrna and Capri quite recently (well, almost three months ago but I've been busy so I'm still stuck in the 40s). I was not expecting to like it but to my surprise, it quickly became a favourite.

Absolutely love the chibis in this one, and the little spirits. Oh, they bring me so much joy. I also like the humour and the awkwardness. Got me giggling, kicking my feet in the air. And I kinda dig the whole concept here even if I'm not that into mpreg stuff (buzzer goes wee woo wee woo, lights turn red, a voice speaks into the mic: that is incorr—), so yeah, I hope I can pick it back up and get back to reading soon!

Another work of theirs I've been eyeing to read is Blood Link. It looks tempting, I'll be starting it once I'm done with Smyrna and Capri.

Now, all that being said, some of the main reasons why I love Brothers Without A Tomorrow is not just because of the writing and the art, not just because of the multilayered stories and complex characters, but also because of how they break the established norm in BL Manhwas. Dark skinned characters and masculine bottoms? I will be at the scene of crime!

(pc: pinterest)

[mielthebee]

In creating my art and my academic theories (I’m a psychology student with a specialization in child development) I find myself worried about how much of myself I should allow to be open to religion.

I have a sensitivity to religious psychosis, and I’m thankful that I have enough of an understanding of psychology and my own history to catch when I’m finding myself too deep in my patterns.

However, I find that when the “paperwork is worshipped and the rituals are written”, I can keep myself grounded. Instead of listening to preachers, I keep myself solidified in few things:

“By their fruits ye shall know them”. I like to do check-ins with myself and with my surroundings to taste the fruits I’m producing and how they feel in my body. I like to ask myself “Is the fruit I’m producing nutritious? Are there people who may not be able to eat what I’m serving, and if so, why?” I think that by using my memetic village, I can organize my thoughts and the work I produce into things that I think Jesus would be proud of, and things that Jesus would not be proud of based on my fruits. Thankfully, the internet has produced many versions of the fruits (for example, the elements of harmony in the My Little Pony series) that I can keep coming back to in order to check myself.

I also like to keep myself afraid. My rule is “Be afraid, but do not be afraid alone”. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to be sharing every single thought with the world, since me from “right now” will still be able to share it with me from “the future” when I know I will be in a better state to examine what I produced. That still counts as “not being alone” since I know that I can rely on future versions of myself to forgive me from “right now” since they will have even more clear understandings of psychology as I develop my Language Curriculum.

So far, I’ve been finding that sticking to core rules like “the Golden Rule” that I was taught very young has consistently given me results where I can find peace among myself and with whatever patterns that invade my brain in moments of creative bursts.

None of this is necessary based on religion, since I make it very clear to write down both what my “religious child self (the emotional mind/the lamb)” and the “present researcher self (the rational mind/ the bear)” are thinking about in that moment. I always make sure to write what hallucinations and patterns I’m experiencing ALONGSIDE the possible reasons for why they might have happened.

For example, I have a habit of seeing faces and hearing ringings that sometimes sound like church choirs. During these hallucinations I ask myself…

How much marijuana have I taken today? When was my last therapy appointment? What other substances in my medications might be reacting to my surroundings? How stressed have I been lately, and what life events are contributing to it? How lonely have I been feeling?

I genuinely believe that using my spiritual, magical and memetic villages is safe to do as long as I am still connected to my medical and societal villages. As long as I am regulating safely (not causing physical or chemical damage to my body or brain), am keeping records and have a safety plan, it is okay for me to do what my brain and body need me to do to stimulate what my autism and my psychosis is telling me needs to happen.

Safe ways that I stimulate and regulate my body include…

temperature work (sucking on ice cubes, holding a warm cup of tea, taking a bath, playing with a sink of water, sticking my fingers in snow banks)

vibration work (vocal stims, singing into my ukelele, holding my finger to my throat to feel the differences in vibrations when I talk, holding a speaker to my chest while it plays music, using my massager on my muscles, making noises in front of a fan)

spiritual/pattern work (writing letters to Jesus [historical], singing my late mother’s favourite songs, playing with the shapes and patterns I receive in my mind to create new ones or see if they relate to each other, listening to my playlist to see if I can find new patterns between the songs)

visual work (closing my eyes until the shapes and colour show up, watching baby sensory videos, hyper focusing on textures, drawing the same lines over and over again, organizing toys or makeup products to make them look nice)

And some other ones, but I’m out of magic now and my eyes are tired.

I love you. I will be elaborating on “The Villages Theory” when I replenish my magical village.

[crazyqueengentlemen]

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[deiongill]

I couldn’t find the power to focus on the conversation in front of me. My thoughts kept moving from corner to corner of my mind, creating questions that all of a sudden I needed answers to. The what-am-I-doing-all-of-this-for style existentialism started to boil over and spill into wherever my moods are kept and arranged. I got caught in the loop again, and it was dragging me out of the moment. The loop is something that I’m assuming almost all of us have become familiar with in one way or another, especially if you’re a creative person looking to share your work and yourself with the internet. It’s the mental cycle of losing your sense of meaning, just to find it again, just to lose it again, and so on in a matter of minutes or hours. Your work or art goes from being a precious gift to mankind that you’re sure will solve all war and hunger in the world, to an absolute waste of time that no one will ever give a shit about ever. Funny enough, with a few turns around the bend of your own self-talk you manage to find a way to make it make sense again and instill a sense of confidence in what you do and who you are, just for it to spin right back around the block to absolute despair in an almost hilarious fashion. How does this even happen? For me it starts with two words: Vanity Metrics. I’ll spare you the cliches that I’m sure you’ve heard enough of before to know you don’t want to hear about it again, and just give you a raw account of what I experienced and felt today. It was hardly an enjoyable process, and I don’t think I necessarily solved the issue by the end of it either. But I think I spiraled far enough down that rabbit hole to notice some things that I think are out of place in my life. 

Like I said, it started with vanity metrics. The view counts, likes, streams, followers, the good stuff. I guess I should say lack thereof, because the feeling I felt and the thought that came to mind was a dissatisfaction that it seems I’m doing everything I’m doing in a bubble or echo chamber, and have felt that way for a while. Now I know damn well I have no one to blame for that but me, seeing that I’m absolutely terrible at sharing myself and my creations on social media and have only dropped two songs in my new chapter of total artistic freedom (that’s a story for another day in the near future), but I am a human being so I felt what I felt. The feeling was pointlessness. I’ll make my case by asking this question: If everything I’m making and sharing goes unnoticed other than by the people I already know personally, why not just keep it to myself and share it with those people when I see them? Not a very fun question to toy around with in your mind obviously, as that can lead to some pretty dark places when it comes to the idea of pursuing your artistic visions and dreams. But if I’m being completely honest my mind goes there a lot, and I have to do the work each time to crawl my way out.

What came next was the simplification process. I needed my mind to stop spinning out of control, so it was necessary that I simplified what I was feeling into the most straightforward explanation I could present to myself. 

“I feel like I’m not connecting with people.” 

“I feel like I don’t know if this is ever going to go anywhere.” 

“I feel like I’m letting myself down by not being where I want to be.”

There’s a part of me that creeps in around this point that starts to shift the perspective, because it’s almost funny to hear myself say these things when I look at it from a logical point of view. How many songs have you put out again? Only 2? Okay. When was the last time you really put yourself out there consistently? Right. How do you expect to be where you want to be at the beginning of your journey? You need to think clearly Deion. I understand the feelings, given your history and all the work you’ve put in behind the curtain, but showtime is a different type of time. It’s okay to be where you’re at. It’s also okay to feel so complicated about where you’re at. It’s all okay.

That was a beautiful thing that just happened there. I just parented myself. Even while typing that I felt a fatherly presence within my being, correcting my course and nudging me in the right direction. But I need to be honest; that doesn’t solve the problem. It’s just an anxiety reliever. So what’s next? Go deeper. What’s the core problem here? What’s at the center of it all? How do I find the solution in this? I’m going to break down those three feeling sentences from above and put together a puzzle to figure this out in one move. 

“I feel like I’m not connecting with people.” 

“I feel like I don’t know if this is ever going to go anywhere.” 

“I feel like I’m letting myself down by not being where I want to be.”

Connecting with people by going where I want to be.

I don’t know if that conclusion will make as much sense to you reading this as it does to me, but I also have an entire lifetime of experience as Deion to add everything up and know that this is what I’m missing out of life right now and understand how that’s connected to my internet woes.  This is what it boils down to: I’ve grown out of my environment. I don’t feel connected to it anymore. It’s a little abstract and hard to explain from my perspective because I don’t necessarily mean my friends or the people I work with creatively. I guess it’s more about the places I go, the people I come across in passing, the circles and environments I encounter through my creativity and passions… It’s the pockets and corners of the world I connect to. It all feels stale right now. It’s very much time for me to make a change in that, and place myself in a new space where things are fresh, inspiring, and feel like a fit for the person I’ve become. To bring it full circle, I think that’s where I’ll connect more with people, I think that’s where my creativity and career will start to find its way into the world how I’ve wanted it to, and that’s where I’ll find myself in a place I want to be. I think that’s how I’ll learn to solve my vanity metric problem. When my life and what it’s connected to feels far more valuable than social and monetary numbers, I’ll start to forget about them. I’ll find my way out of the loop.

[ibelieveinme23]

Experience: 7#

Beginning Mantra: Universe, whether today or tomorrow, a month or a year, lustrum(5yr) or a decade, my experiences will appear and occur. Let it be so, that I am manifesting experiences with genuine heart and excitement. Time is on my side. As the world is shaped to work out for me, exactly how I want it to be for me.

Scene:

I take a deep breath and upload my first video. I decided not to check my phone for the next hr or so. When I do, I am not disappointed that I haven't had any views or comments. It's all in the name and game. I lay out a plan for what my next video concepts should be and get excited when I have a layout.

For the next 2 weeks, I post a video, and the anxiety I had disoperates as I connect with the few followers I have gained. I have been posting more content and have had more people interact with my page lately.

By the end of the 2nd month, I have gained a little over 1k followers, which I am excited about. I have started posting more content and gained a relationship with my followers. I started a few series, which has gained a lot of attraction. A few of my videos have gone viral which is 50k+ in views.

As I reached the end of my 5th month, my following account has jumped to 15.8k followers. I have begun posting 2-3 times now and have really begun a small circle of follower fans that I interact with now on a day to day basis on my videos. I have gotten more comfortable posting content and have enjoyed the interactions I have had. I get a few hate comments here and there, but they roll off my back like water.

By the end of my 7th month, I am up to 30k followers, I am so happy at how many people I am reaching and engaging with. I have gotten more comfortable interacting with people and even more so posting online.

As the end of the year creeps up, and it being my 11th month posting, my follower count has risen to 90.7k. I am so happy at how far I have come and how much of a small community I have established on this side of the internet. I have made a great following, where we have supported each other. Most of my following are the she's, they's, and gays. I am looking forward to the next progressions for the upcoming year.

Ending Mantra: Universe, I am so excited that I am experiencing this. It was literally everything I imagined and dreamed it would be. It was so fun! It always turns out better than I expect, like why am I always this lucky! Every scene, scenario, and situation works out in my favor. I just adore at how everything happened exactly how I dreamed it would. I am such a powerful manifestor. I am doing so well in life, look at me go! I love who I am becoming, what I am experiencing and who I am experiences it with. I am consistently loved, cherished, and romanced. And, I know that literally nothing can separate me from my desires because I already have them all.

Manifestation Experiences Challenge

Rules: You write a scenario/scene/experience/event that you want to manifest into your life, reality, now.

Remember: To make it fun, and that it's only as true as believe it to be.

Let's have fun and change our life!

[urbancripple]

How do you balance recognizing that all disabled ppl need support with the fact that you feel left out of disabled spaces? It feels like a lot of the disabled community/groups/etc have become primarily people (if I'm being real, white women mostly) with chronic pain/fatigue, and while I think those ppl are valid and deserve support it can be hard to be left behind in a space that used to have more people like me. Especially considering I'm not even someone who can't work, I have a relatively normal life as far as crip stuff goes, like I've got a regular job and shit I'm just very visibly disabled while doing it. It really feels like the conversation around disability has started to revolve around white women with chronic pain/invisible disability that disrupts the ability to work, which totally is not at all what I'm handling, as someone who needs to (and enjoys) working and is not white nor a woman.

Like I am very glad that those people get support and visibility etc now. I just hate being left in the dust again, first by abled society and then by what used to be my community.

Hi reader who is most likely not the OP! This is going to be a #longpost. If you don't have the time to read the whole thing before responding and instead plan on letting your eyes dance around the text looking for key phrases to misinterpret, please fuck off.

For the rest of you, welcome and enjoy.

"How do you balance recognizing that all disabled ppl need support with the fact that you feel left out of disabled spaces?"

I don't. I can't, really.

I see a lot of the same problems that you mention in your question. A _lot_ of the disabled community in online spaces consists of white, fem-presenting folks talking about ill-defined, often invisible chronic conditions and advocating for better treatment.

To echo your point: this in and of itself is not a bad thing. Folks who fit into this demographic need better representation and help. But it feels like discussion of disability (especially in online spaces) is largely focused on and driven by this demographic. And for folks outside that demographic, it can feel isolating.

I feel isolated by the current discourse around disability. I feel like I cannot connect with the _vast_ majority of people who identify as disabled online. And it's not _just_ because the average internet user is getting younger.

What it means to be disabled has drastically changed in the last decade or so.

I once attended an award show where someone, upon receiving their award, ran up a flight of stairs onto the stage and proceeded to speak about how important the award was to them as a creative, a woman, and a disabled person.

She was talking about her depression.

As a full-blown cripply-ass human being, I struggle to accept or reconcile my very public, very obvious, very unavoidable physical condition with what that person said on stage vs how they literally got on stage.

Am I being a dick? Do I need to do some self reflection? Are my feelings based on a subconscious aversion to change?

Maybe.

On the other hand, these same conferences hold panels on "disability and representation in media" and then refuse to invite (and accommodate) a single wheelchair user. Instead choosing to fill the panel with folks struggling with "invisible disabilities" and/or mental illness. Why? Because folks with very visible disabilities (especially wheelchair users) are often the most complicated and expensive to accommodate (special transportation, flight arrangements, hotels rooms, bathrooms, service animals, etc.,)

It's frankly cheaper and easier to focus on disabilities that leave you access to four limbs and five senses than it is to make sure the folks on your panel represent the as many different disabilities as possible.

Am I saying that other disabilities are invalid? NO. Absolutely not. Get your hands off that fuckin' keyboard and finish reading this before you send an angry note.

Does it make me feel isolated from a community that I used to be very much a part of? Yes.

Does it make it difficult find, much less reach out to and help other wheelchair users? Yes.

Does it make it more difficult to share my experiences as a disabled person online? Yes.

Does it make it harder to try and raise the bar for disabled people in terms of fighting for a better quality of life? Absolutely. Especially when talking about how "living an independent life" means "having a job" and "taking responsibility for your physical well being"

It is incredibly lonely being a visibly disabled person who works full time, pays their bills, cooks, cleans, volunteers, and has a healthy marriage. Because of how disability is discussed online, I don't get to see disabled people _like me_. I don't feel comfortable talking about my experiences as a disabled person online because I know I'll get shouted down and told I don't belong because I'm not actively struggling to work or pay bills or whatever.

It sucks. It hurts. And I'm sorry I don't have a better answer for you. If it makes you feel any better, you're more than welcome to talk to me directly about work or whatever. I'd be happy to be that person that you're struggling to find right now. Heaven knows we could all use a little bit of Community right now.

[desolationlesbian]

There's a dichotomy I struggle to articulate and might not actually exist, but feels like it exists, between like..."the internet of real life" and "the internet that is mostly disinterested in real life." There is a half of the internet where the default is to post under your real name and photo, and mainly about things like news, politics, your job, your family, etc. There is a different half of the internet who use pseudonyms and rarely if ever talk about any of those things, instead focusing in on hobbies and entertainment and art. Maybe "real life" is not a good word, since hobbies and entertainment are certainly things that are part of your real life, and I am sure there are a lot of blurred lines and crossover here. It just seems to me that "journalist whose internet use consists of using twitter under her byline and posting personal essays and quips" and "guy whose internet use consists of anonymously posting about building model airplanes with fellow enthusiasts on a model airplane forum, without telling those people anything else about him as a human" are using the internet in a distinctly different way that will shape very different relationships with it.

I say this because as a person whose internet use primarily consists of the latter, hearing people from the former group talk universally about the deleterious effects of social media sometimes sounds like it's coming from a space alien. Like, I saw this article in The Atlantic this morning, whose thesis appears to be that the earliest internet social spaces were for managing and deepening relationships you already had in real life, and the reason Facebook and Twitter got out of control is because they became public spaces where your posts are seen not by friends and family but thousands of strangers.

That just...isn't true! It's objectively false! It's so obviously false that I'm shocked it was published. The earliest internet social spaces were forums, IRC channels, and chatrooms, all of which had the key features of interacting pseudo-anonymously with people you have never met before in real life and almost certainly never would, and who you wouldn't realize was that person even if you did meet them on the street. In many ways connecting with strangers was the whole point of the old internet. People have been connecting online with far-afield weirdos since the internet existed. That is not the problem that plagues facebook, twitter, or instagram, or if it is it's not a new one.

If anything, the problem with sites like facebook and twitter seem to be that they want to be everything to everyone at all times forever and immediately connected to your identifiable real-life life.

All of the sites I tend to associate with relatively "healthier" internet use--forums, tumblr, discord--seem to share two key features:

No expectation of the use of any real-life identifiable characteristics

Rather than a universal town square, there is a division into smaller, focused, easier-to-moderate communities based on niche areas of interest (forums in general, sideblogs, servers) where groups of users police themselves via distributed moderation powers among them or small-community social norms

These features seem to be noticeably absent from, or at least not encouraged in the same way, from the big "internet of real life" sites. This is because the way they make money--eating your attention and selling personalized ad data--are fundamentally opposed to both those features. They don't want to be the place where people who like model airplanes go to talk about building model airplanes and then leave; they want to be your everything, and for everyone. They do not want you to be anonymous because they cannot sell your data if they do not know who you are. There are exceptions to this--Facebook as community moderated groups, Twitter doesn't force you to be identifiable--but this seems to be the general trend. The specific form of mental everything-all-the-time exhaustion and misery, impossible-to-moderate nightmares, and paranoia and alienation resulting from the commodification of ourselves as personal brands that we now associate with social media use, all seem to be downstream of this.

That is not to say that the older, unreal-life version of engaging with the internet is always healthy, and doesn't have its own problems. It does however feel sustainable, and way less exhausting, and like it has the potential for a healthy relationship with it, in a way that the big sites currently don't. Yet if you asked the big pundit-y class about How We Fix Social Media, it seems to me that they are unaware this method even exists! I think that is sad, and concerning for the future of the net.

[lazylogic]

TL;DR: I’ve let my online art presence and the internet as a whole become so weighty to me that I’m constantly having a meltdown over how the internet has changed and how I present myself online, so I’m cutting myself off from being an artist on the internet, because it seems like the only healthy option for me right now.

I think I need to stop posting online entirely. As drastic and melodramatic as that sounds, I’m spending time on an internet that I hate, wishing for an internet that no longer exists. I’ve repeatedly ~taken breaks from social media to try and detox~, and it does help in the short term, but eventually I just fall back into my “existential art crisis” and become anxious, stressed, and frustrated again, hating myself and hating every choice I’ve made up to this point. I’m happy when I draw at my own pace, but I’m quickly overwhelmed by the “I’m not posting enough so people won’t like me anymore” anxiety I get.

I know I’m like, the only one who feels this way, the only one who cares this much and takes art this seriously that I’ve let it crush me so much. For some reason my art and my ability to draw is so deeply ingrained in my identity and sense of self, and it’s become so monumentally important to me that it’s worn me down this much. But I know I’m not the only artist online who feels pressure to perform every day, who compares themself to others, who feels burnt out every month, and who is constantly fighting with the evolving technology and society that seems to be consistently designed to screw us. I know many have been able to adapt, and have done it smoothly, and I commend them and am incredibly happy for them. I’m proud to have happy and well-adjusted art peers! I can’t do that. I want to put in the effort to adapt, I have to many ideas to share and stories to tell, but I’m just…spent. Every time I try, it takes up all of my very limited energy, and I’m back to hibernation mode again. I am tired. I’m too small, sensitive and self-conscious to simply keep trucking along. My fragility makes every effort so painful. I really cannot do this anymore.

Posting my art online used to be fun. I loved connecting with people over fan art, OCs, gushing with other artists about each other’s creations, and getting love and support from people who found enjoyment in it. I used to get kind asks on Tumblr just complimenting my art or encouraging me when I posted a vent piece. Tumblr especially used to be my chill place. Most of those people, along with that happy and peaceful environment, are gone now. Old Tumblr is dead, old DeviantArt is gone, I feel detached from FA more than I ever have. Everything feels scattered and divided, and people are so jaded, which I really can’t blame anyone for. No matter where I go, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore, and I don’t really want to be anywhere, either. I feel like I don’t even fit in with my own demographic, no matter what I try. I can’t emphasize enough that I’m trying to post for and enjoy an internet and online community that no longer exists. It’s my own fault for living in the past. Everything is far too fleeting now, engagement is king and constant streams of new content, as well as outrage, equals that. Everyone else seems to be able to change so readily with it, and I’m still stuck figuring things out from five years ago. I can’t seem to recognize or understand anyone anymore, either. I can’t keep up, and I don’t want to try to anymore.

I think what I wanted the most for my art was for it to resonate with people. It’s always been my favorite thing to do for fun, and it always made me so happy knowing my art made someone’s day better, even if it was just Hattie being silly or cute fan art. The idea that I could make someone breathe easier because I drew something soft and comforting is incredibly meaningful to me. But my art was always a powerful emotional outlet for me, too. I know my vent art would often dip into edgy territory, especially in my teenage years, and I withdrew from drawing vent art as a whole because I became too self-aware of it and I felt too exposed. But it was real, and it came from a real place and real emotions, and that’s still important to me. I feel emotions very strongly. I wanted to say something and be understood. And I guess that’s what I still want? To be understood, like anyone else would want, I guess.

I don’t even know what I want out of posting online anymore, or why I bother to check it. Every bit of engagement I get feels more empty than rewarding, and that discrepancy keeps growing. I hate it, because I know it’s because my brain has been trained to want more. I hate that I need more and more validation that people care about me via my art, because it used to be purely mine. And I want so much for it to just be mine again. It’s really felt like I’ve been drawing for everyone else for such a long time, and I guess that’s also my own fault. I feel trapped here. I really don’t enjoy drawing anymore, and I never get the urge to like I used to, and I cannot express how much that absolutely guts me. I always say social media is what ruined it for me, but I know that my participation in social media was my own choice, so I know I actually ruined it for myself.

I have a lot of work to do. I need to just get better as a person, fix my mental health, gain any semblance of self-worth so that I’m not breaking down every week over my value as an artist being synonymous with my value as a person (before you wonder, I am working with mental health professionals regularly now). I know I complain a LOT about the internet and how it’s changed, but I need to make it very clear that I don’t meant to put the blame solely on all of that for my mental state. I recognize that I just have a lot of issues and I make things harder for myself all the time. I’m chronically living in the past and unhappy with the present, and that’s 100% a me problem. This is the only move I can think of that will allow me to actually focus on getting my shit together; removing the option of being an online artist altogether. I can’t cheat and peek at Twitter and slowly make my way back after three weeks. While I’m at it, I will probably stop posting everywhere else too (not that I was really posting much anyway). I don’t want to say I’m leaving forever but I will say that I want no more expectations, I’m not gonna be posting anymore, basically until further notice. I have to figure my shit out for real. I’m not sure if this will even work, it might just make things worse for me. But I’m just at a loss and I feel like I need to do something. I don’t know if my absence from online art posting will cause me to miraculously enjoy drawing again and a year from now I’ll have a massive backlog to show everyone, I’ll be fixed and happy…I don’t know. I just know this isn’t for me, not right now.

I feel guilty doing this, because I have people who have been following me and supporting me for well over a decade, and I think you guys deserve better than this. It’s a big part of my motivation for doing this to begin with - I’m kind of ashamed to show myself to these awesome people every day, I feel like I owe everyone more than just my gratitude, but I haven’t been able to deliver consistent art or content in years. I feel like I'm letting so many people down every day, and ultimately I feel the same about leaving. But I need to get better first. I think about everyone all the time and feel so lucky and so stupid. I know it’s dramatic, but to everyone, thank you, and I’m sorry.

For anybody going, “it’s not that deep,” I’ve heard that plenty. This post isn’t for you.

I’m not completely disappearing from the internet. If you want to get into contact with me, you can add me on Discord at RealaChao#7312. I will still accept commissions privately for now, so just reach out to me (I’ll update my commissions Carrd site if I decide to close them). I won’t necessarily be deleting my accounts, but I will be logging out of everything at least and disabling notifications, so please don’t message me on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or anywhere else expecting a reply. You can also email me at plutoeffoart@gmail.com. Lastly, my main focus these days has been my Neocities, so you’re welcome to check that out (though it's largely a draft right now). It’s not going to be an art site, though, at least not only art. It’s gonna be my quiet home.

I also posted this here. Genuinely, thanks for everything.

[dashboarddiaries]

Dashboard Diaries is a production of Atypical Artists, hosted by Lauren Shippen (@thelaurenshippen) and Cher McAnelly (@overchers). Our theme was composed by Lauren Shippen and mixed by Brandon Grugle. Art by Shae McMullin. Transcription by Laudable.

For ad-free episodes and more, become a pal at atypicalartists.co/support.

[intro music]

Cher: This week on Dashboard Diaries - Cher McAnelly prepares to tune in for season 100 of Grey’s Anatomy because she isn’t a quitter. 

Lauren: And Lauren Shippen gets on the message boards to search for clues in the promo for next week. 

Cher: And this is Dashboard Diaries, a podcast for you – the folks who are in this internet bunker with us. We talk about what’s going on in our favorite hell site, get into what we like to call “tumbl-lore,” do fandom deep dives, and share the times when we’ve gone feral over a new ship.

Lauren, how’s it going? How is life?

Lauren: It’s full of ER at the moment ‘cause we are watching through all of ER.

Cher: What are you thinking, so far?

Lauren: I am loving it. Because it is scratching that itch in my brain of having a procedural. Every week I get to see a contained story and follow along with my friends and there’s like 300 episodes. 

Cher: We love a procedural. 

Lauren: We do.

Cher: We love a sitcom. And that brings us into today’s episode topic – procedurals and sitcoms. 

[game show trill]

You’re watching ER ... one of, I would say, the most iconic procedurals in the history of television.

Lauren: I think so.

Cher: Maybe I’m being hyperbolic, but I don’t think so ... 

What are some of your other favorite sitcoms and procedurals? What’s your kind of relationship with this type of television or these television genres?

Lauren: Yeah, I mean, when we were talking about what we wanted to sort of tackle next in an episode in terms of topics – and you brought up sitcoms and procedurals – that just like really excited me. Because I think that we talk so often on this show about how we want longer seasons. How we want more seasons of things that come faster and sooner. And there really is a void that is in my life being filled by a couple of things but procedurals are really where I got into television. The things that brought me into TV as an obsessive person that did make me go to the message boards on fox.com and talk about what the promo for next week revealed about what was going to happen for shows like Bones, the X-Files, Grey’s Anatomy – I fell off ... I AM a quitter (laughs). So ... I eventually fell off of Grey’s Anatomy. And I also eventually fell off Bones as well. There’s something to be said for very, very long-running procedurals and sometimes a dip in quality that can occur. 

Cher: When is a good time to say “goodbye...”

Lauren: Exactly. But House ... all of these things where every week there’s a case of the week and you’re kind of building these characters up over time. And then also a lot of sitcoms, too. And a lot of the shows that I’ve loved from the last ten years have been sitcoms. Some shortly lived, some a little longer lived. Santa Clarita Diet, Superstore, New Girl was huge for me. So, yeah, I think it has always been a consistent part of my television-watching diet. And something that I am more intentionally seeking out now. 

But how about you? What is your relationship to these ... I don’t want to say “formulaic” because I think that sounds derogatory and I don’t mean it to be ... but these intensely structured shows? 

Cher: Yeah. Similarly, sitcoms and procedurals were my entryway into television both from just kind of a nostalgia, connecting with people pov, also from a passion is-this-a-world-I-want-to-continue-working-in pov. I remember watching the series premiere of CSI with my parents. Perhaps at too young of an age to be watching CSI with my parents!? I think I was seven at the time...

Lauren: Oh boy ... yeah. (laughs)

Cher: But every Friday we would order pizza and watch CSI. We would tape it and watch it on Friday nights. And it was just such a wonderful experience. You get your case of the week and it’s wrapped up by the end of the week. You kind of have the follow through of the relationships of the characters but every week it’s wrapped up in a nice enough bow that you feel satisfied with each individual episode versus some of these other really intense shows that we also love and are diving into later in this episode-

Lauren: Of course.

Cher: We will definitely be talking about Severance, which I think falls into this other category of television-

Lauren: Oh my god, yeah.

Cher: ... where every episode it’s like, “What ... sorry, WHAT just happened!?” I think Gossip Girl ... would you consider Gossip Girl a procedural? There’s a question I have that we can discuss later in the episode – yes, we have the kind of general, we know the overall traits of what a sitcom or procedural is but what really makes a show a sitcom or procedural – are there any unexpected ones? I feel like Gossip Girls ... is it a procedural? Not really, but it kind of ... it’s more of a soap but Grey’s Anatomy is a soap and Merlin is another one where I was like, they did kind of have the case of the week on Merlin ... but anyway ... 

Lauren: That’s true. Yeah! 

Cher: I’m getting ahead of myself because I feel like there are so many different ... the Venn diagram has a lot of overlap. There’s a lot of shows that can fit in multiple buckets. But anyway. I digress...

A lot of my favorite shows that made me love television and just love the industry are procedural and sitcoms. Friends, again, is one of those really nostalgic shows that I grew up watching. Again, probably watched a little bit before I should have been. But who among us wasn’t watching some slightly more grown-up TV. Nick At Night-

Lauren: Totally!

Cher: Wild stuff. And all the sitcoms ... the made for young adults or teens sitcoms that we grew up watching. That’s a whole other bucket of fantastic/interesting television to dive into. Anyway ... 

Yeah, I think formulaic-affectionate is maybe the best way to describe-

Lauren: Yeah!

Cher: You know what you’re getting into each week. Because it’s a smaller story each week with kind of like an overlapping generally already structured story line you can have these long, long seasons whereas with these generally, I would say, more convoluted in-depth shows, like Severance, where they’re telling you perhaps one specific story or true detective where it’s an anthology series – every season is a new case. But it’s just the one case for the whole season. 

That must be a little more challenging to make that – a 22 episode season. Versus, hey, we have Brooklyn 99, we have this police precinct and every episode they have some new different cases to go on. All the law enforcement ones are similar with all the medical ones. There’s so many different smaller story lines to play with. Which I also think makes it an exciting world to play within from a fan perspective. Because it’s really easy to imagine additional scenarios, which I think plays into fandom and why sitcoms and procedurals continue to stay popular on Tumblr even after they’re no longer on air. Supernatural being a great example of this.

Lauren: Right. I think my next question to you is going to be what do you think is Tumblr’s relationship to procedurals and sitcoms? I guess maybe we should take a step back first and sort of try and define a little bit more narrowly what these things are. I think a sitcom is a sitcom. I actually don’t think we need to define that. Right? 

Cher: You’re right. Yeah. Well ...

Lauren: It’s a half hour ...

Cher: I have a Tumblr post to talk to discuss with you on that exact topic. But we’ll circle back.

Lauren: Wait, no. Please, please read it.

Cher: Essentially ... I either saved it as a draft to Dashboard Diaries or re-blogged it, but the TLDR; is the user posed a question that I found really interesting. And the question was, it was actually a poll, “Is Star Trek a sitcom?” And the answer options were, “No; Yes, but it’s not funny; Yes, and it is funny” and then a couple other “I haven’t seen it or don’t have an opinion.” 

I thought that was such a funny question because never in a million years would I think of Star Trek as a sitcom. I think my answer is an unequivocal “no” there even as someone who hasn’t watched much of Star Trek. But how is this something that is seemingly so objective? Obviously we know what a sitcom is. You were about to say the very clear ... and yes, those are 20 minutes, one set cast, whatever, and this person is like, “Is this 45 minute sci fi series a sitcom?” 

Lauren: Drama, sitcom. 

(laughter)

I’ve watched all of Next Gen. And all of Picard. Those are the two Star Trek shows that I’ve seen in their entirety. And there are definitely episodes of Star Trek Next Gen that are sitcom episodes. Because ultimately a sitcom just means situational comedy. Right? It’s comedic stuff that’s happening in a situation. Right? Where the comedy is coming from the situation that the characters are in. 

But yeah, on the whole, of course not – Star Trek is not a comedy. But also I don’t think that people would necessarily consider Star Trek a procedural. And I do think that Star Trek kind of is ... Yeah, I guess if we’re defining sitcom as 30 minutes, the comedy is coming from the situations that these people are in versus the comedy coming from the people that they are or some sort of overarching plot line. There can be overarching beats and there can be returning jokes and things like that. But when we think of modern sitcoms we think of like Abbott Elementary, right? Classic sitcom. I’m trying to think of what other sitcoms are on TV these days.

Cher: What We Do in The Shadows. Ghosts.

Lauren: What We Do in The Shadows. Yeah. 

Cher: St. Denise, which is a new one that I’m excited about.

Lauren: Ooh, okay! But I think procedurals are a little bit harder to define, right? Because it’s like there’s some that are very, very clear cut. Law & Order. The entire Law & Order universe. CSI and the CSI universe. Procedurals. Clear cut. The casts are consistent but I think that something that is really true in a procedural, a pure, pure procedural, like Law & Order – I think a fundamental truth of a procedural in its truest form, and this is actually I think why ER might fit into this, is that there is no single character that is load bearing.

Cher: Ooh, I think that’s really interesting.

Lauren: You can ultimately ... and actually Grey’s Anatomy, right? I was going to say the exception to this obviously or what some more modern procedurals did starting in the 2000s was you have one cast member or two cast members who are load bearing. Right? And House, it’s House, you can’t have House without House. Bones, it’s Bones. You can’t have Bones without Bones. But you think in Grey’s Anatomy, you can’t have Grey’s Anatomy without Meredith Grey. But eventually you do!

Cher: Yeah. 

Lauren: Right? And so I think that is the purest form of procedural. And then there’s sort of the spins on procedural where it’s like the elements are still there. Where each episode is sort of its separate thing. And there’s returning characters and maybe an overarching plot sometimes or multi episode plots and things like that. But it is kind of a Swiss army knife of a show where you can kind of just do whatever. 

I think ER is a little bit of that. I think the X-Files was sort of the first one to do that, where it’s like a monster of the week but there’s no overarching mythology. And I’m leading up to a point here which is that the thing that X-Files did was the establish a sort of monster of the week that is picking up the procedural format, but then adding this element of this is about this relationship between these two people. And this is about this much larger thing that’s happening, where the seeds are sown for that from the very beginning. Which ultimately is the format that Supernatural built off of. 

Is Supernatural a procedural? 

Cher: Absolutely. YES. I think so.

Lauren: Okay. You say unequivocally yes?

Cher: Yes.

Lauren: Okay. 

Cher: Similarly, monster of the week, ensemble cast that does, I would say, is anchored by two characters but ... yes but no, but pretty much. I very much think it is a procedural. It’s essentially CSI with demons. 

Lauren: Right. And I think crucially the other piece of a procedural is that you should be able to ... and yeah, I’m using the term “procedural” to encapsulate monster of the week stories as well. I think you should be able to jump into pretty much any episode and be able to enjoy yourself. And understand the basics of what’s going on. I do think that if you jump into any episode of Supernatural you understand these guys are brothers, they hunt monsters, and that’s kind of all you need to know about the show in order to enjoy it. Right?

Whereas something like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you jump into an episode in season six of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you could have no idea what’s going on. It’s like you understand that she is a vampire slayer because it’s in the title. But ... that is a very serialized show. 

Cher: ... a monster of the week kind of show. It’s really interesting the serialized versus procedural. I think very much what makes a procedural a procedural or a sitcom a sitcom is like there is a universe or world established that you can, as you said, fall into really at any point and ... yeah, there’s intricacies that you don’t get but you kind of get the TLDR; and you can watch any episode as its own stand alone thing and generally get the gist. 

Even now as I’m saying, Supernatural is absolutely a procedural. Obviously. Imagine showing someone an episode of season 13 of Supernatural.

Lauren: (laughs)

Cher: Out of context. And just expecting them to understand. I have not gotten that far, which ... brings you back to the re-watch that I should be doing. But I feel like that would be chaotic. 

Lauren: I mean, this is where Supernatural straddles a funny line. Because there are absolutely episodes in later Supernatural that you could drop somebody into and it’s like, yeah okay, I get it. Just sort of through osmosis of understanding what a monster of the week is I think every episode establishes pretty quickly that these two guys are brothers and that is a central relationship in the show. 

One of my favorite episodes in season 12 I think has this absolutely fantastic run of episodes in the first half of the season. There’s Stuck In The Middle With You, which Richard Speight directed. And there’s Regarding Dean which is the one where he has amnesia. And there’s this episode called The Life & Death of Asa Fox, I think, where they go to a hunter’s wake basically. That has a lot of rich text in there around Sam and Dean’s sort of legacy within the hunter community, stuff with their mom, stuff with people that they’ve know in the past, etc. But it is a bottle episode and you could just drop somebody into that and they would have a great time just watching a well told monster story. 

If you drop somebody into The French Mistake, the one where they go into an alternate dimension where they’re on the set of Supernatural and everybody thinks that they’re Jared Padelecki and Jensen Ackles and Misha Collins is playing Misha Collins. That I think (laughs) would be hard to explain. 

Cher: You know what, Lauren? It is so funny you say that because, first off, side note I am becoming less and less convinced as I’m speaking that Supernatural is a procedural. 

Lauren: So confident.

Cher: But the second is when I first started working at Tumblr, one of the first campaigns I worked on as I mentioned in a previous episode at some point over the past couple of years is that one of the first campaigns I worked on when I started at Tumblr was with Misha Collins. In order to prepare ... and it was at a Supernatural convention. I hadn’t seen Supernatural – any of it. And so in order to prepare for it one of my co-workers, shout out to Amanda Brennan, our meme librarian, an icon, we booked a conference room for an afternoon and she showed me what she felt were the most important episodes of Supernatural to show to someone before I embarked on my Supernatural convention adventure.

It was a decade ago now. I’m struggling to remember what all of them were but I do know that one of the episodes was that episode, The French Mistake. I was sitting there like, yeah ... I think we should have maybe watched something else. I think we did. She showed me the first episode and then two or three other, but yeah, I think maybe I want to amend my statement and say that Supernatural started as a procedural and became something else entirely.

Lauren: 1000%. Which is sort of true of the X-Files as well. I think that this sort of goes back to the question we were asking earlier and I think all of this kind of feeds into the grander question I have which is are procedurals interesting to Tumblr fandom at large? I think the answer might be kind of not really. On a large scale.

Cher: Yeah, I would-

Lauren: [crosstalk 00:17:52]

Cher: Please, complete your thought.

Lauren: No, no, please. 

Cher: I would say they are. I would say yes and no. There are a lot of procedurals that hit on Tumblr in ways that they seem to not hit elsewhere. House feels like a really good example of this. 

Lauren: Oh, that’s a good point.

Cher: It consistently trends on Tumblr. 

Lauren: That’s a good point. House is a good one.

Cher: Criminal Minds is in fandom I’m pretty sure this week. Again. I think they are, they’re making a new season, but that had been off the air forever. But I mean, Spencer Reed, are you kidding me? 

Lauren: I mean, yeah, obviously. 

Cher: And so there are I would say quite a few. Not every procedural hits. I think it does take something like special, like that Tumblr finds-

Lauren: Like [Matthew 00:18:33]. (laughs)

Cher: But I still struggle to explain why House hit but maybe Grey’s Anatomy didn’t.

Lauren: Sherlock Holmes!

Cher: Honestly, I think House’s personality immediately ... gruff man.

Lauren: You take Sherlock Holmes and John Watson and you put them in any kind of universe and that’s, it just hits. Right? It just hits. 

Cher: But also in Dr Who ... Dr Who I would say is a procedural. Very much so.

Lauren: Very good point. 

Cher: And really hit. So, yeah, I think it takes a special type of procedurals and a lot of procedurals can I think feel a little too ... I don’t want to say bland for Tumblr because that’s not ... maybe we even cut that because Grey’s Anatomy is not bland. It is a rich tapestry of stories. Even though it never really hit on Tumblr. Anyway ... if you’re looking for writers ... I have ideas!

I’m interested actually that maybe we can dive into a discuss what the hook is on Tumblr for the procedurals when they do hit. What makes Criminal Minds hit but shows like SVU that have been running forever – they do well, but Criminal Minds I mean definitely has a chokehold on Tumblr and House in ways that similar shows do not.

Lauren: Right. I am also realizing that I’m leaving out one of my biggest procedural joys currently and also one of Tumblr’s biggest fandoms which is 911. Which is of course a procedural. But I think similarly to Grey’s it is a procedural soap. I think having those soap elements. It’s like every cast member on that show is load bearing. You remove one of them and the whole house of cards kind of could potentially come tumbling down. Which was not necessarily the case in the first season, right? Because Connie Britton was sort of the main POV character and then she left after the first season. And they sort of had to recalibrate and rather than sort of recalibrating with ... maybe it’s okay if we can kind of just let people come and go. They were like, okay no, we are adding this character Eddie and this is our cast now. These are the people and this is not going to change. And it basically hasn’t changed since. They’ve added certain people that have become supporting but ... they added Eddie and then Buck’s sister, too, Maddie. And those two additions kind of secured the cast. 

Cher: You know what? I think honestly you’ve hit on a really good point on something that ... the aspects of procedurals that hit on Tumblr versus ones that don’t. I think that consistent cast is really key. Grey’s Anatomy started, season one has the same cast and it had many of the same cast members for multiple seasons but I think they killed off one of the key cast members at the end of season one, if not season two. And then the cast members just started shuffling in and changing. It was a lot of adjustments within the fandom. At one point they just ... I think they were like, “We’re losing too many doctors.” So, they decided to create a hospital merger subplot where there’s five new doctors that have to come in.

Lauren: Oh, dang.

Cher: I know why they did this. They’re like, “New principal cast will start big so that we can ...” But Grey’s Anatomy has had one of the most consistently changing casts of a show that I’ve watched kind of in any memory.

So, I think that consistency is really key. 

Lauren: I think it is key. And it’s funny, I think it’s hard to tell ... in my mind Bones was my first really big fandom. Right? Bones had never really been big on Tumblr. 

Cher: Which surprises me.

Lauren: It’s kind of surprising.

Cher: That’s pretty “Tumblr.”

Lauren: I mean, it’s David Boreanaz, it’s a very nerdy female lead. It’s Scully and Mulder kind of sexual tension. There’s a great ship in there. But I mean part of me wonders ... and listen, I actually never finished Bones because I was really frustrated with the way that they ultimately got the ship together that I kind of fell off of it after they got together because I was like, “I’m mad about how this happened.” Which is the risk that you run when you get the couple together. But part of me wonders if it’s just because Bones started airing in 2006. Same thing with Grey’s Anatomy. And it’s like it just wasn’t really able to catch on, on Tumblr in the same way. Because by the time Tumblr was really gaining ground in fandom the shows were kind of toward the end or sort of very much in the middle of their runs. Which then is a theory that totally falls apart when you consider Supernatural. (laughs)

Cher: Supernatural is its own ...

Lauren: It’s own thing! It’s truly its own thing.

Cher: Its own genre, its own universe. I would absolutely take a course on Supernatural and its cultural significance.

Lauren: 100%.

Cher: Would you consider Sherlock at procedural? Because it obviously had this huge overarching story line but it was ... yes, it had the episode, the case of the week, but it also had so few episodes and I think one of the things that marks procedurals is many, many episodes.

Lauren: That’s the thing. Sherlock is like ...

Cher: An anthology? 

Lauren: No, I mean, it is a case of the week. There actually really isn’t that much of an overarching plot. There isn’t a second season in terms of Moriarty but that’s it. And they tried to do an overarching plot in the last season and ... I have a lot of notes. 

Cher: I think quite a few people do, too.

Lauren: I think a lot of people have some notes. Sherlock is a miniseries. That is the only thing that ... it is nine TV movies. Because each episode is an hour and a half long. The episodes all came out a year or two years apart. And yeah, that is its own thing. Whereas like Elementary, absolutely a procedural. And it’s interesting and I think this goes to the particular type of fandom on Tumblr. House, big on Tumblr. You’re so right. And a lot of that has to do with House’s character but also I think with his relationship with Wilson. And also just Robert Sean Leonard is just so wonderful. As too is Hugh Laurie but yeah. 

Whereas Elementary I think has its followers on Tumblr but it’s not huge despite the fact that it is also a Sherlock Holmes procedural that has lots of episodes. And Lucy Liu who everybody alive loves. But ultimately the relationship between Sherlock and Joan is like ... people don’t really ship them, right? And it would be a straight ship if people were to ship them and people I think on Tumblr in general are sort of less interested. Which I think it also counts a little bit for like the lack of interest around Bones. I think there’s of course exceptions to this – X-Files sort of transcends ... everybody loves Mulder and Scully because that is a love story for the ages. But I think in general. Yeah, fandom is maybe more inclined to get into a show if there’s two characters of the same sex to ship in there. I also have a whole thing about ... I wrote a paper on this in college ... about Sherlock and Elementary and at the time the ... oh, I actually did talk a little bit about House and then the Robert Downey Jr movies and how ultimately the only adaptation out of all of those that actually got the relationship correctly from based off of what it is in the stories was Elementary. Because despite the fact that it was a man and a woman, Elementary at least in what I watched which was back in the first season, was never going to put those two characters together in a any kind of romantic ... there was no sort of subtext or anything like that. And that to me is ... they got the bro relationship the best in that show. So, maybe that’s part of it, too, is ... Anyway, I digress.

I do think that cast consistency is a big thing. And then obviously having somebody to ship. But yeah, it’s interesting how as much as we want lots of episodes of things, that is not necessarily enough to get Tumblr into a show. I think my other big question is sitcoms. Sitcoms in my view do not create the same kind of fandom fervor as dramas do. Does that feel true to you? What’s your perspective?

Cher: I agree. I think people love sitcoms. They’re passionate about them. They enjoy them. They’ll post about them. I feel like there’s a fun that is kind of being had with sitcoms. And they do trend really well on Tumblr. People dive into them. There’s so much fic. But yeah, I think there’s something about the emotions evoked from a drama and the connection that you feel to characters in a drama that creates fandom waters that run deeper. I don’t know. The fandom feels deeper in that sense. 

I mean, how many cons are there for series that are even stand alone drama series? I love sitcoms. 30 Rock is one of my favorite shows. I love What We Do in The Shadows. I think the final season is happening this year or ... which I am sad to see but I’m excited about it. Maybe there would be an audience for a convention but I don’t think it would be the same. I think it’s very ...

Lauren: And of course Our Flag Means Death kind of broke this mold. Our Flag Means Death is very straight ahead a sitcom. 

Cher: It is. 

Lauren: But the fandom around it was really, really fervent. So, yeah, maybe there’s not a magic bullet. I do think that ultimately it is about the characters that you are making connections with. I think you’re absolutely right. That’s why drama tends to appeal a little bit more to sort of fandom intensity because obviously you’re dealing with more kind of deep human emotions in a drama, more directly obviously the best sitcoms do that same thing. But yeah, it’s really just about the character. That’s really what it comes down to.

Cher: Yeah. I’m actually interested to see now ... I’m going to fandom just to see even just a quick look at the proportion of the top shows even this week that are comedy versus drama ...even in the purest sense. Sitcom and procedural aside. 

So, right now the top, two weeks ago, so the week ending on the 9th of February, the first show was The Grammy’s which makes sense. That was relevant. But then the next few are Arcane, Severance, Gravity Falls, Squid Game, Interview With A Vampire, 911, the Owl House, then Has-been Hotel, Miraculous, Lady Bug, Danny Phantom, Supernatural, and it goes on. Criminal Minds is on it. Agatha All Along is on there. But I would say of this list of 20 shows, Owl House, Danny Phantom ... 

Lauren: Gravity Falls.

Cher: Has-been Hotel. Good Omens is #15. Definitely a comedy. But also a drama. 

Lauren: Good Omens is the only live action one on that list. All of the rest are anime. Which is interesting.

Cher: Really interesting to consider as well. Yeah. Huh. 

Lauren: Tumblr, what is going on with your psyche!? There’s a real consistency with Tumblr around these things, right, where it’s like ... Severance doing so well is also fascinating to me. That is not a show necessarily that when I was watching the first season I was like, “Oh, Tumblr is going to go crazy over this show.” That would NOT have been my assumption. And so it’s interesting to me that ... obviously Severance is an incredible show. But it doesn’t totally read as Tumblr bait to me. So, it’s been really interesting to see the sort of excitement around it. I’m thrilled that people are jazzed about it, but it’s like ... I wouldn’t have called that one. 

Cher: Really? Yeah. I mean, I have been waiting for Tumblr to latch onto it. I feel like I agree with you, on the surface you would think Tumblr and Severance are definitely ... there’d be some community on there, but I can’t see it being the biggest show. But I do feel like there are some kind of emotions and vibes from Severance that are like evoked in a very uniquely Tumblr way, aesthetic honestly of the show itself being a huge thing. It’s a beautiful show to watch. And I think the cinematography and that kind of side of Tumblr, which obviously isn’t the biggest thing when it comes to fandom. It doesn’t hurt. I honestly think one of the things that perhaps pulled people into watching Severance was the aesthetic of the show. 

Lauren: That makes a lot of sense.

Cher: They started to see an image and were like, “Oh, this is really beautiful, let me check it out.” And because they already were interested enough to give it a chance. I think otherwise a lot of people would have turned it off after the first or second episode because it starts really slow and confusing. The amount of people who I have had to convince. I actually ... my friend who came and stayed with me this weekend, she has watched the first three episodes of Severance and was like, “I couldn’t get into it.” I was like, do you want to try again? I love the show. So, we watched the first couple of episodes again and I was like, do you want to watch the third? What are you feeling? And she’s like, okay so yeah it just still ... I can’t get hooked. I was like, you know what, that is valid and we don’t have to watch it. But yeah, I think it’s definitely ... it doesn’t immediately hook you or strike me ... I agree with you, as a show that Tumblr, would really sink its teeth into. But honestly, the more I watch it, the more it feels obvious like oh yeah, Tumblr would love this. It’s hard to explain.

Lauren: Yeah, I mean, I was thinking earlier when you said, “Is there a way to do something that’s not sort of like case of the week but still has lots of episodes?” The thing that I thought of is the X-Files kind of invented the monster of the week format. And around the same time, a little bit earlier, Twin Peaks was breaking the idea of what a TV show could even be. Right?

I think, not to be a TV nerd for a second but I don’t know necessarily that younger fans on Tumblr would sort of understand just how revolutionary Twin Peaks was at the time. And it only lasted for two seasons. Right? Sort of famously they tie up the main plot line halfway through season two and the show falls apart. But David Lynch who recently passed away ... he did 22 episodes of a show in which you absolutely ... not only can you not drop into episode 4 of Twin Peaks and know what’s going on, dropping into episode 1 of Twin Peaks and you barely understand what’s going on. Right? There’s a deep, deep surrealism obviously to all of David Lynch’s work. But to that show especially. And it being so challenging to audiences where it was like ... first of all, the opening title sequence is like two minutes of the slowest music you’ve ever heard in your life over nature footage. It’s crazy.

Cher: Yeah, I will say I’m really happy for the “skip intro” feature that now exists. 

Lauren: Yep. I watched Twin Peaks on Netflix dvds and I did not have that option. But yeah, I saw all of this because there is a version of Severance that is ... I guess the main plot of Twin Peaks probably was like 26 episodes overall. There’s a version of Severance that is like that long. And it’s interesting because it’s like Twin Peaks sort of ran out of steam after a certain point. And as great as Severance is and as great as Twin Peaks was you actually I don’t think can sustain those types of shows for very long. 

Twin Peaks now, I know that they did a new Twin Peaks revival, but if you made the original Twin Peaks now it would be three seasons of eight episodes each. That would be the show. 

I wonder if Severance is sort of speaking to the Twin Peaks surrealist lovers on Tumblr.

Cher: I think Severance is Parks and Rec meets Twin Peaks. 

Lauren: Yeah! (laughs) Honestly! That’s a pretty good description, actually.

Cher: Yeah. And I completely agree with you. I feel like it scratches both of those itches. There are a wide variety of television enjoyers who can find something that they like in Severance. The bizarreness and just ... I’ve watched season one a couple of times. I just started a re-watch again because we’re how halfway through season two. And I’ve got to say, every single thing ... every little hint, not EVERY hint, the vast majority I did not come up with myself. I just have read them, theories on Tumblr or Reddit. And then I re-watch and I’m like, “Oh, that makes so much sense. I didn’t notice that.” 

I always wonder how people notice these things in these really convoluted surreal bizarre confusing shows that are bread crumbing everywhere. I wish I was that observant. But yeah, it must be hard to sustain that level of intensity and detail. Because it’s like every frame is being hyper analyzed. Imagine someone doing that to like Grey’s Anatomy or ... [crosstalk 00:36:31] That’s where these in-depth ... Twin Peaks, every single frame is so intentional. Every moment of that show is ... same with Severance. I think one of the cast members were being interviewed and someone said this is one of those shows where there is zero room for improve in any way whatsoever. I think Ben Stiller was saying this and that’s what makes the actors even more incredible in what they’re doing because they have to stay within those such hyper specific parameters. 

Lauren: Totally.

Cher: Whereas in sitcoms especially there’s definitely lots of improv and [crosstalk 00:37:04]. I mean, essentially sitcoms are just extended sketch comedy that are kind of within a specific world or universe. And procedurals, I’m sure there’s some light improv. You don’t need to get the line exactly right. 

Lauren: Definitely.

Cher: Imagine if someone said “fetid moppet” on 911. 

(laughter)

So, I think yeah there’s so much more than can be played with in sitcoms and procedurals, which also means that for the fandoms there’s a universe that they can kind of enter and they already have the kind of tools laid out for them to create fic, to play around with scenarios, to say how would this scenario play out for the cast of The Office. And I love all those posts where it’s like, “Here’s this x, y, z scenario,” and then they lay out how each person/character would react to this scenario. 

Lauren: Yeah.

Cher: That is much harder to do within the confines of these other universes, these more serialized shows.

Lauren: I think that this is why the MCU was so big in fandom for such a long time is because essentially that is just a very, very big budget procedural TV show.

Cher: Sitcom – Wanda Vision.

Lauren: Yeah, and sitcom! Just the movies alone, right? And just thinking about the sort of halcyon days of Avengers Tumblr and everybody sort of imagining these sitcom scenarios in the Avengers tower with everybody living there. And it’s like yeah because you’re sort of getting these case of the week episodes with each of the ... and then you get the episode where the overarching plot kind of comes together and then you go back into sort of your little separate corners. And the MCU is laid out as a TV show. 

Cher: It’s essentially the CSI universe or whatever it is!

Lauren: Right! Basically!

Cher: Oh my gosh. That is so ... I think that’s a great POV and I feel like we could talk for another hour about this especially given I haven’t seen the new Captain America but I do know that Chris Evans had a cameo or role in it in some capacity. Is that completely wrong?

Lauren: Did he!?

Cher: Did I make that up? 

Lauren: I mean, spoilers for Captain America: Brave New World, if you are listening to this – Bucky Barnes, Sebastian Stans shows up for half a second. Yeah. Okay, so just to as briefly as I can do my Feels Corner ...

[gentle music]

I am having a lot of feels lately about Bucky Barnes because I always am having feelings about Bucky Barnes. I re-watched The Winter Soldier at the end of January when I was on a plane. That movie still rips. It’s still one of the best movies of the last 20 years. And then I was like, you know what? I haven’t watched Falcon and The Winter Soldier since it came out. I want to re-watch it before seeing the new Captain America movie. So, I re-watched Falcon and The Winter Soldier and then I went and saw the new Captain America movie two days ago. 

Without getting too deep into my feelings about the new Captain America movie because I don’t want to spoil things and also that would be another episode unto itself ... something that I got really in my feels about with Falcon and The Winter Soldier is I think at the time when I was watching it I was so ... I had such Bucky Barnes goggles on around like how they were dealing with this trauma and the fact that they were addressing his trauma literally at all ... that like I didn’t fully appreciate everything else around it. But something that really struck me on this go ‘round and my partner reminded me, “No, you talked about this when we watched it the first time.” And I was like, oh, okay. So, I noticed it the first time. But then I think it felt even more significant now.

The show is like really, really textually politically engaged. In a way that I don’t think any Marvel property has been since Winter Soldier. Winter Soldier is saying – preemptive strikes are bad. (laughs) And trying to protect yourself by arming yourself against the world is fundamentally fear and fear mongering rather than actual justice or freedom, right?

And Falcon and The Winter Solder is saying a bunch of stuff about the dangers of nationalism, about the American government, specifically the American military’s abuse and experimentation on Black men. Which is a thing that happened in history and a thing that Falcon and The Winter Soldier is very engaged in directly. And there’s this whole conversation around the super soldier serum being essentially a tool of supremacy and the idea that for as long as anybody wants to make super soldiers, supremacy will stay alive. And this is within the context of Bucky’s story within Hyrda who are literal Nazis. And then Sam, a Black man being given the shield and then saying “no” to it only to watch another White blond guy who ends up becoming a super soldier because he essentially is a supremacist – and then having to take back the shield from that guy. 

I was just sort of so shocked because ... and it gave me a lot of hope for what Brave New World might ... okay, it’s a lot of the same team behind Brave New World as Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Hopefully Brave New World will also be political. I think that team got really hamstrung by the fact that Marvel continues to make movies by committee I think. And I think that there were some missed opportunities around the political statements that move could have made. And so I’m just in my feels about ... I would not necessarily call my own art deeply political. I think all art is political because all people are political because we all exist in a society that is fundamentally political. It’s impossible not to.

But I think more than ever it’s important for large companies to be making directly political art because of the time that we live in and the regime that we currently live under. And it was both very heartening to watch Falcon and The Winter Soldier and remember that these big companies can be bold and say something. And also disheartening knowing that they’re maybe not feeling quite as bold now. And also at the time Falcon and the Winter Soldier did not get a lot of attention.

That is interesting to me as well. So, I guess I would just say I would encourage all artists out there and all lovers of art out there to make political, art to engage with political art, to talk about it, to appreciate it, to pay for it. Because I think now more than ever it’s important to have. That was such a long-winded Feels Corner. I’m sorry. What’s got you in your feels?

Cher: Well, no, I completely agree with you, Lauren, on yeah every step of the way. And honestly the ... even going back to the sitcoms and the procedurals, a lot of these stories, the things that stand out the most to us are those stories of resilience and are those moments where we see ourselves in and learn from these characters and the situations in which they’re put in and how they handle them and what they learn from them. 

Lauren: Superstore captures 2020 better than anything ever will.

Cher: Yeah. And I mean, oh my god, being able to confront the world and its horrors, frankly, through comedy is one of the most important ways to learn, to be able to cope, to be able to grow. I really think comedy is so important and yeah, could not agree more with you that it’s one of our most powerful and important mediums to make a statement and yeah. I always even used to have maybe a little bit of guilt about going into the entertainment space versus using my degree in environmental policy, which I do have because I initially wanted to be an environmental lawyer, and then I remember these kinds of things. Like what we’re talking about here which is that, yeah, entertainment, the messages shared through entertainment can have so much impact. You can do so much good in this space.

Lauren: Absolutely.

Cher: With that, my Feels Corner, because I know we’re coming up on the end of the episode ... I mean, as we mentioned before, Severance, I am so deep in Severance. If you looked at my blog right now you’d think I had become a Severance fan blog and you would be right. (laughter) I also saw a post about someone calling your innie your “work-sona” and I’m losing my mind over that. 

And there was a huge moment in Yellow Jackets this week. I don’t want to spoil it but huge fan moment this week. Real big shipping victory I would say in general. 

Lauren: I’ve got to know! **spoilers for Yellow Jackets** TURN AWAY! IF you don’t want to hear it.

Tell me. I want to know. 

Cher: Okay. Shawna and Melissa actually ended up kissing at the end of the episode. 

Lauren: Whoa‼ 

Cher: Melissa kissed Shawna while Shawna had a knife to her neck. So, real ...

Lauren: Oh yes, okay, that’s what I’m talking about.

Cher: Victory all over. There’s a lot of discourse and fun in the fandom right now because ... I saved some posts for us to share to Dashboard Diaries. The fandom actually a few weeks ago was joking about Shawna and Melissa getting together. Being like, hmm, what’s that backwards hat, how’s that going for you, Melissa? I see you looking at Shawna. And then they actually ... and so everyone is losing their minds being like, oh my gosh, it’s actually canon!? We made this up as a bit. (laughter)

Lauren: That is the best!

Cher: So, really enjoyed that. And then just a small aside because I feel like I haven’t seen anyone talking about this. It has nothing to do with anything else we’ve talked about. But I just need more people to be talking about this. Two movies in the past month have come out. One is called Dog Man, the other is called Wolf Man. Dog Man is an animated children’s movie about a dog that’s a cop. Wolf Man is a rated R horror movie about a man who is a wolf. 

Lauren: How is this not Barbenheimer?

Cher: Yeah, how is this not Barbenheimer!? I looked on Tumblr, there was maybe one post about it and it was barely like ... it was kind of like, oh, yeah, ha ha that’s funny. No one is ... there is no discourse about this. Also something-something a joke about inside you there are two wolves or inside you there is a dog and a wolf man. I don’t know. Innie/outie, Severance. It all ties in.

Lauren: It all ties together. 

(laughter)

Cher: And finally, less my last week on Tumblr and more the coming weeks on Tumblr – here is your annual reminder that the anniversary of the dress and llamas on the loose is coming up. 

Lauren: And what is the exact date for that?

Cher: February 26th, 2015.

Lauren: Okay, wow. Ten years!

Cher: Yeah.

Lauren: Wow.

Cher: Big anniversary.

Lauren: That’s crazy. Well, by the time this episode comes out that will have passed actually.

Cher: Oh my gosh!

Lauren: So, we’ll have to be sure to re-blog something to the blog.

Cher: Well, happy dress and llama versary, Lauren.

Lauren: Happy dress llama versary! 

Cher: Inside you, there are two llamas on the loose. (laughter)

Lauren: I do like thinking about if there were a Barbenheimer event for Dog Man and Wolf Man the name would either be Wolf Dog or Man Man. 

(laughter)

Cher: Inside you there are two dresses.

Lauren: It all connects.

Cher: Inside you there are two llamas. Inside you there are two dresses. Inside you there is Wolf Man and Dog Man. There’s an innie and an outie. 

Lauren: There’s a lot going on in there!

Cher: There’s a lot to unpack. 

And with that ... 

I’m Cher McAnelly and you can find me at OverChers.Tumblr.com. 

Lauren: And I’m Lauren Shippen, and you can find me at TheLaurenShippen.Tumblr.com.

Cher: This has been Dashboard Diaries. And ... 

[outtro music]

Lauren: May your anons always be loving.

Cher: Your dash always refreshed.

Lauren: Your gifs always be loading.

Cher: And your ships always canon.

Lauren: May the fics you’re reading always be finished.

Cher: And the answers you seek always in the re-blogs.

Lauren: Thanks for scrolling with us!

It's time to talk about the art of the procedural and sitcom! What makes them tick? Why do we miss them? What does Tumblr have to say about them? Plus, feelings about Severance and political art.

Credits and transcript in our reblog. You can find transcripts for this, and every other episode, here.

Find the posts discussed in this episode in this tag!

[nat-20s]

Part 5 of Wonderful! Au. *boyband voice* banter’s back alright!

Also on AO3

~*~

Jon: Hello everyone, and welcome back to our regular format. If my husband being horribly soppy-

Martin:-hey!-

Jon: -turned you off the how, this should be a refreshing return to formula, though I can’t guarantee there won’t be further horrible soppiness-

Martin, performatively under his breath: -most people thought it was charming-

Jon: -as that tends to happen when one is recording with the love of their life. If last week’s episode is the only one that you like, too bad, I’m back in full form, and should be at least through the rest of the season.

Martin: This show doesn’t have seasons? Due to the whole lack of a narrative thing?

Jon: I was referring to spring.

Martin: Oh, right.

[A beat passes.]

Martin, flatly: Oh. Great goof hon.

Jon, smug: Thank you.

Jon, sincere: Also, before we get properly started, I did want to actually thank everyone who sent well wishes.

M artin: Yes! We got positively inundated with lovely messages, it definitely brightened both of our days. I would even say it was wonderful.

[Jon groans.]

Jon: I am..not proud of the energy we’ve created for this episode so far, and we haven’t even hit the small wonders. Speaking of, do you have a small wonder this week?

Martin: Mine’s bad action movies.

Jon: Really? I had no idea you even liked them, let alone consider them wonderful.

Martin: Okay, so, saying I like them is a bit of a misnomer? It’s more that I like what they can do more than the movies themselves?

Jon: Elaborate?

Martin: It probably comes as a surprise to no one that I’ve tried my hand at a fair amount of mindfulness and mediation techniques. I’ve found poetry and journaling have been helpful for actually processing life events and whatnot, but when it comes to giving your brain a hard wipe and reset, nothing is half as quick and effective as a shitty shoot-em-up. Somethings about 2 hours of cartoonish, pg-13 violence held together with the absolute loosest of plots brings me to a state of mental blankness that would make a monk jealous.

Jon: How have I never witnessed you doing this? When are you sneaking off to go see Micheal Tarantino or who ever films?

M artin: That’s definitely not the right name.

Jon: Martin, dear, I don’t care. And you’re dodging the question.

Martin, fond: I’m not dodging anything. Since apparently we’re getting into it, you haven’t caught me cavorting with a movie involving more explosions than character development lately because I haven’t been. Haven’t needed it, in recent years. Turns out when you’re not crushingly lonely and working a literal nightmare of job, there’s less of a drive to try and escape your own thoughts. Shocker, I know. Still, to anyone out there that feels like their brain is on fire, go try watching a fast and furious. Any of ‘em, it doesn’t matter. Or even better, Chronicles of Riddick. I can’t remember a single goddamn detail of that movie, which makes it perfect for what I’m talking about.

Jon: I have the strong feeling that th is is a “mileage may vary” scenario.

Martin: Well, yeah, that’s this whole podcast. Plus, I imagine that movies like this would cause more stress to someone who cares about, say, world-building or rules consistency.

Jon: I wonder who you could possibly be referring to.

Martin: It’s a purely hypothetical person, love, don’t worry about it. Any small wonders?

Jon: Yes! Particularly relevant to the last week, my small wonder is stripping the sheets from your bed when it’s been too long between washes.

Martin: How very specific. M ost people would just say ‘clean sheets’.

Jon: Well, for one, I’m fairly certain that we’ve already covered clean sheets-

Martin: Shit, have we? Thank god other people keep track of this, otherwise this show would be unbearably repetitive.

Jon: Christ, yes. I typically check the website a good three times while prepping, and every about one out of those three times I find I’m trying to do an topic we did 30 episodes again. Anyway, um, it’s just nice, I think. When you’ve been too busy or sick or away for awhile, tossing the sheets in the wash makes a room instantly seem nicer. Of all the chores out there, this one, at least for me, has the highest reward to effort ratio.

Martin: Hard agree. Especially when the y have that slight funk of having been around to long, getting rid of that is such a relief. Speaking of, we need to change our sheets soon.

Jon: We can do it after the episode. Who goes first this week?

Martin: Considering last week was only me talking, I’m gonna say it’s you.

Jon: Alright, then. My first thing this week is Martin K. Blackwood.

Martin: Absolutely not!

Jon: Oh, you can do a whole episode on me, but I can’t do one little segment on my husband, whom I love very dearly?

Martin: Not while I’m sat here, no!

Jon: So you’re saying you don’t want me to tell the internet that your resolve to be kind even in the face of indescribable cruelty is one of the mot breathtaking things I’ve ever witnessed, or how I find it incredibly endearing when you get so emotional that your voice comes out as a squeak, or even that, on a more base level, you’re very physically attractive, and I could lose entire days thinking about your arms alone?

Martin, audibly blushing, voice the aforementioned squeak: Oh my god, Jon!

Jon, laughing: Then it’s probably for the best that my actual first thing is best friends.

Martin, peaking the audio levels: Oh you absolute bastard! Do you enjoy this? Do you get some sort of perverse sense of entertainment from riling me up?

Jon: Oh, don’t you start. As if you’re not as bad as I am. Maybe even worse.

Martin: That’s not…

Jon: Yes?

Martin: Okay. Maybe it’s slightly true. Really, what is romance for if not flustering your partner with compliments?

Jon, teasing: I certainly can’t think of anything.

Martin: Hush, you.

Jon: No, I don’t think I will.

Martin: Fine. I suppose you can tell our delightful audience about the power of friendship or whatever.

Jon: I would’ve assumed more enthusiasm, considering this segment is still, indirectly, about you.

Martin: In what way?

Jon: In the way that, to the shock of all, you’re my best friend.

Martin, pleased: Oh, is that what I am?

Jon, exasperated: Yes, dearest husband, I wouldn’t have married you otherwise. Though, upon reflection, I knew you were my best friend before I knew I held romantic feelings for you.

Martin: When was that?

Jon, letting out a breath that vibrates his lips: God it was...2016? I think it might’ve literally been the day after you told me about your CV.

Martin: That early? Huh. I wonder if that’s what people were picking up when they said they we were close.

Jon: What people?

Martin: I don’t know specifically, that’s just what Daisy told me.

Jon: Daisy? When the hell-?

Martin: It...was when she was interrogating me? And, because sometimes I have to be a parody of myself, pretty much my only take away from that interrogation was “people think me and Jon are close”.

Jon: Well then. It’s not like they were wrong.

Martin, smug: No, no they weren’t.

Martin, sincere: And you’re my best friend, too.

Jon: I was certainly hoping that you’re in this relationship for more than my good looks and incredible fortune, both in the monetary and luck sense.

Martin: You say that as if you aren’t good looking, which we all know is patently untrue.

Jon: You’re biased. You’d say I was good looking if I were nothing more than some primordial ooze with thoughts about its station.

Martin: I’m being completely objective. If you were primordial ooze with thoughts above its station, you’d be the cutest ooze of them all. That’s just scientific fact.

Jon: I’m starting to think we might be insufferable.

Martin: Starting to? Might be?

Jon:…

[Jon clears his throat]

Jon: What I find wonderful about the concept of best friends is, to me, they’re the closest thing real life has to soulmates. I don’t personally believe that there’s some..grand mystic force that drives people to be tied together in the manner that narrative typical soulmates are, and if there was I don’t think it would necessarily be the kind of emotional, heartfelt bond one would hope for, but I do believe that there’s individuals that get to know one another, and because of that knowledge, they chose to stick with one another. It doesn’t have to be a romantic, which is why I say best friend rather than specifically ‘spouse’, but I would argue that the basis of a strong romance like you and I have, is very much rooted in that connection. A true best friendship is an equal partnership, and there’s a sense of..matched sensibilities and understanding that can be utterly incandescent when it happens.

I also think that having one or more best friends makes living life on a day to day basis both better and just flat easier. The dark times aren’t as dark, and the bright times shine even more. I know from my own personal experience there are events that I..that I don’t know how I would’ve made it through without you. Hell, last week my..recovery period would’ve taken much longer if you hadn’t been there.

It’s an amazing thing to have someone to share things with, both triumphs and burdens. Um, also, according to Dictionary.com, the term best friends in English has been around since the 1200s. Something about that delights me, like, yes, we’ve had this casual way of referring to a Favorite Person for roughly 800 years. That makes it a hold-out from early Middle English. I dunno, it’s one of those things that make me feel overall very charmed by humanity.

Martin, audibly smiling: No, yeah, hard agree.

Jon: What’s that look for?

Martin: Nothing. Just. I love you a whole lot, you know that?

Jon, voice soft: I may have heard you say that once or twice. Per hour.

Martin: Only that often? I really need to be more diligent about that.

[There’s a bet of silence, presumably where they’re making doe eyes at each other.]

Jon: What’s your first thing?

Martin: Oh, um, right. Rats!

Jon: The expression or the animal?

Martin: Jon, have you ever once heard me say “rats” as an expression? Obviously I’m referring to the animal.

Jon: Ah. Should’ve known, considering that what, a third?, of all your segments have been on animals.

Martin: Yeah? And? You got a problem with critters? With creatures? With lil guys?

Jon, laughing: No, no, it’s very sweet. I’m just surprised you never became a vet.

Martin: Oh believe me, I wanted to. But then I learned that it was not, in fact, a job composed entirely of getting paid to play with other people’s pets.

Jon: You had that job, though, didn’t you? I thought I remembered you mentioning a month long stint at a doggie day care.

Martin, sighing dreamily: Best job I ever had. Too bad that place was shut down after it was revealed to be a money laundering front.

Jon: Good lord.

Jon: Martin did you...did you know it was a money laundering front at the time?

Martin:

Martin: Would it make you feel better if I said no?

Jon: Martin!

Martin: I figured it out like a week in, but, like, who cares? The pay was decent and the floor was super easy to clean, which is very much a plus for even a front of a doggie day care.

Jon: That’s...rather a lot. How about instead of getting into that any further, you tell me about rodents.

Martin: I would love to. But first, we have a shoutout!

Jon: Ooo, a shoutout. Does it specify who should read?

Martin: Let me check. It...does...not…..

...

Jon: Martin?

[A beat.]

Martin: Right! Sorry, um. This week’s shoutout is from Tim, to Danny. It says, “Danny! My favorite person who shares genetic material with me! I wanted to say thank you for your podcast obsession from 4 months ago, and specifically for telling me about these marrieds. They’ve gotten me through many a dull hour at the publishing house. Also, with this shoutout, I’ve officially gotten ahead on the Superior [Last Name Redacted] Brother scoreboard, so suck it. Love you lots, and looking forward to your visit next month, Tim.”

Jon: Oh.

Jon: Um. That’s very..sweet? I think? Mostly?

Martin: Yeah, I’d say so. Uh. We have to take a quick break because, uh, someone is..at our front door! Be back with you all in, from your side of things, just a moment.

[iwishicanbeagoodpianist]

the Wifilcon and the Winter Router

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OC/Reader Summary: When Bucky learns that his neighbor has been stealing his wifi for months. Warnings: None A/N: I'm not a fanfic writer at all, this, like all my stories, are adaptations to fanfics. My original stories are not written in english, so this is also a translation. please do not repost my work

For an instant, Bucky thought that the knocking he was hearing was coming directly from his head, I mean, it wouldn't be the first time his mind played tricks on him, but he realized that the sound was actually coming, unluckily for him, from his apartment door. Oh no no no no no no no, I just got back from putting up with Sam for almost 6 full weeks, I don't need interaction with more people for now.

Bucky thought for a minute to ignore the sound, to wait for the person to give up and leave, anyway he didn't spend many days on this apartment, almost no one had seen him leave or enter the building and he had no contact with the neighbors, only with the lady on the 7th floor who once lost one of her cats, which ended up in Bucky's apartment, accidentally. Not that I found the cat in the alley and actually brought him to my apartment, it doesn't mean that I stole the cat, he was in the street by himself, I rescued him.

When the banging on the door stopped and Bucky thought he could breathe calmly again, a voice between altered and annoyed was heard all the way to the living room where he was sitting trying to overcome his third panic attack and fourth existential crisis of the day .

-"I know you're in there! I saw you coming in a few hours ago! I've been waiting for days for you to come back!"-

More out of instinct than anything else, Bucky pulled out the knife hidden in his right boot as he slowly backed away from the door. Do I really have a spy as a neighbor? Should I call Sam? Is he in danger too? Never mind now, you need an escape route Bucky, concentrate, third floor, window to the alley, 2 minutes max, the bike is parked far away, I'll have to run, but to where, rendezvous point, safe place, think....

- "for God's sake, open the door, I need you to pay for your fucking internet plan, I'm in the last season of my series and I need to know if Carolina died or not!"-

- "The internet?"- Between the andrenaline from escaping and the shock of not understanding what was happening Bucky spoke louder than an assassin, with over 60 years of experience, should have spoken. Oh, shoot.

-"Yes! Your wifi, I need it to finish watching my series"-

Whispering "wifi" to himself, Bucky tries to remember where he has heard that word before, this is what I get for never listening to Sam when he talks to me. But before he can continue his mental analysis of all the conversations with Sam about such stupid things as his favorite American Football team, the New Orleans Saints, that I remember, to how Antonio could possibly leave María on the last episode of the 6 o'clock telenovela of which Sam is a fan, his apparent "neighbor" spoke up again:

-"Jesus Christ, can you open the door? So we can resolve this like adults"-

Bucky resigned to the fact that he has given his position to the "enemy", walks to the door and opens it waiting for his death. Well at least if I die I won't have to listen to Sam again talking about Antonio and María. But on the other side of the door, there was a woman, who in her pajamas, very unthreatening but cute, was watching him as if he were a ghost but still with defiance in her eyes, in one breath she introduced herself and continued her speech about her complaint to Bucky:

-"As I was saying, I need you to pay for your internet"-

-"I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I understand what you mean"- mumbled Bucky.

- "Good Lord"- To Bucky's surprise his neighbor, pushes him and enters his home, well not so much a home home, more like the headquarters of his secret club, of which he is the president, vice president and only member, the point is that it is his place, where he can (and wants to be alone), as she lives here. This must be a dream, maybe I hit my head too hard in the last mission and I am unconscious in the hospital.

Crossing the room, Bucky's unwanted visitor looks around searching for something while whispering the words "I see you are quite minimalist, but maybe this is too much, someone urgently needs to look for some inspiration on Pinterest". She stops abruptly in front of the shelf where, in theory, a TV should go, while shouting: "EUREKA", she bends down and picks up a white device which has two antennas and like a million little blinking lights, damn, that looks like something out of a spaceship, I'm being watched by aliens? I'm being spied on by Kree?

-"This is your router, this is where the internet signal comes from, which I need you to pay for so I can finish watching my series"-.

Bucky, still in shock for the third time in less than 15 minutes, as he processes the idea that perhaps Thanos' unknowing twin is spying on him for a second invasion of earth and revenge for his brother's death. He can only nod to his now more relaxed and happy neighbor.

-"Perfect, thanks! I need to check the food I left in the oven, I'll talk to you later"- and as quickly as she came she left through the same door, leaving Bucky with more doubts than answers, peeking down the hallway, he realizes that she is the neighbor who lives next door, to his right. When Bucky comes out of his initial stupor, still not fully understanding what is going on, he decides to take his cell phone out of his pocket and call his own personal Google to solve his doubts about this century: Sam Wilson.

-"Hey Buck! What's up?"-how does he always manage to sound so happy? focus Buck.

-"What the hell is a router and why do I have one in my house?"- somehow Bucky manages to formulate, although maybe his voice cracked a little on the last words.

-"That thing's been there for at least two months and you didn't even notice it? Have you even paid the bill?"-

-"You put this in here? Without telling me????"- maybe Sam is also a Kree? Who can I trust now? It's all a trap?

Listening to Bucky's accelerated breathing, Sam tries to explain to him slowly, that in this century life without internet is not life, but obviously as Bucky does not even know how to set the alarm on his own cell phone, he was in charge of buying the router and creating the contract with the company so that, the 106 year old man could have his personal network at home. He had given it the name but he had not given it a password so that Bucky himself could set it up later. "I am an excellent friend, I mean co-worker, if I may say so"

-"Sorry man, after all that happened, we got called for a mission and I forgot to tell you, do you have your laptop over there? I'll help you set up a password, so your neighbors won't steal your internet anymore"- and with that comment everything started to make sense in Bucky's slightly screwed up but functional mind about the events with his seemingly non-spy and harmless neighbor.

Meanwhile Bucky was trying to remember his own password to unlock the laptop in front of him, also courtesy of Sam. "Bucky, when you learn about online banking and that you can pay your rent, electricity, phone and everything with a click of your computer, you will thank me". It should be noted that Bucky hasn't used that laptop once, like a good 100 year old grandpa he goes to the bank to make his deposits and pay his debts, which obviously consisted only of electricity, water, gas and phone because the man had no idea that there was a device in his house that spit out internet, apparently only his next door neighbor knew this. Buck tells Sam how he thought his router was an alien device and how he thought his neighbor was a KGB agent coming to kill him. "Relax Buck we all have undesirable neighbors that steal our internet signal sometimes", well undesirable is not the word I would use to describe her but ok.

When Sam finally explains to him how to connect his computer to the internet, Bucky can finally see the name that his wonderful co-worker, not friend, because he could never be friends with someone so stupid as to think that the name "THE WIFILCON AND THE WINTER ROUTER" was a good name.

- "my god Sam, you're such an asshole!"-

-"HEY! That's a great name!"- Sam responds with as much indignation as possible, he's the best at naming everything from dogs to wifis.

- "I can't believe you're Captain America, I can't believe we're even friends"- Bucky really can't understand his luck to have friends, well, co-workers whatever.

- "Well excuse me but we're co-workers..."-

- "Well, take this call as my formal resignation, bye"-

-"Wait a minute Buck..."- Bucky ended the call, to finish -his self-imposed- punishment of listening to Sam Wilson talk for over an hour. At least I asked him how to use the bank's website to pay for the internet. Suddenly, without warning and without explanation, the memory of his neighbor is lodged in his head, her hair in a ponytail, her reading glasses, pink shorts, her sweater from some university of which he can't even remember the name because he was watching out for other things... that she wouldn't kill me obviously, he was watching out that she wouldn't pull a knife out of her back and kill me right there. The message on his laptop indicating that he can now set a new name and password to his wifi distracts him enough to stop thinking about his sweet and cute non-spy neighbor and how she would look with her hair down and her glasses off.

Still with the sweet feeling in his chest and the desire to see her again he writes as the new name of the wifi, while laughing:

"If you want free internet, you owe me at least one free dinner"

After paying the internet debt and closing the laptop, Bucky gets up hoping to find something edible in the kitchen, while leaning over to look inside his fridge and analyzing how bad it would be to eat a fried egg with pasta and sriracha, he hears again a knock on the door, but this time it does not cause Bucky the anguish and anxiety that caused him the first time, but quite the opposite.

-"Open the door Winter Router! I prepared chicken pot pie for dinner"-.

[cosmiclatte28]

Casual Intimacy (Mark Lee x you)

a/n : it’s my soft hours I guess? I made this sweet Mark Lee imagine (well for me this is sweet. I want a boy like this... if you’re that kind of man dm me 😜)

fluff, no warning, no suggestive content but kisses, and just Mark being a wonderful man for you. 

Happy Imagining Mark Lee as your s/o! 

People often ask you how you can hold on to your “plain” relationship with your current boyfriend. You seriously do not like them bothering you about your relationship life, but you need to deal with it considering the fact that the man you are dating is the famous Mark Lee of NCT.

He is dorky in camera, and in real life too. You pray day and night to the angels to make sure Mark is not tripping on some random stone or bump a pole. Guess your prayer works, when you see Mark always smiling in front of the camera coping up and working so hard with his endless job.

You yourself work in a famous two Michelin restaurant in Seoul. You’re not going to lie, you met Mark lee on your duty. NCT was holding their debut birthday and you were appointed as the chef to cook for their meal that night. Apparently, Mark Lee was super fascinated by your dish and he requested you to come greet the team when your job in the kitchen is done. Your head cook lets you leave your station once desert is prepared and the plates coming into the washing room is clean.

That was five years ago, Mark Lee got love struck by your simple but attractive persona. His eyes couldn’t leave you as you answer their questions on the dishes and you congratulating them. They’re glad when they learn that you listened to their songs and followed their schedules, just that you don’t have much time to be like the other wonderful fans.

Mark Lee looked so intrigued on you and as you bow to them bidding goodbye, he just returned from the restroom. With his long legs trying to catch his other brothers, Mark happened to slip his number on a piece of tissue paper to your pocket and gave you a genuine smile plus a “thank you”.

You earned a good pay that night and even better, Mark Lee’s number.

Well, he isn’t your bias but come on who doesn’t have Mark Lee in their bias list? Want it or not, conscious or not, Mark Lee is always in the list. So, that night when you finish showering and eating a light midnight snack, you gave the number a shot.

You thought your message will never be replied, maybe Mark will have his phone in silent and only opened up messages from his contact list. You’re lucky when your notification bleeped and from that night both of you learn more about each other.

He kept your number under your name, plain business people say, you also thought maybe he wanted to call you for another dinner party. But the chats he had been sending was far from platonic business. It involves jokes, puns, memories of living in Canada (well you graduated from University of Toronto, but cooking is your passion), and even deeper like late night talks.

The relationship got deeper when Mark Lee called you one night, asking if he can meet you in the restaurant. He said he needed a good meal to write a song he was assigned for. You found no correlation between a good meal and writing a song, but believe it or not, Mark Lee came with one  of the hottest selling song that month. Earning him a title of “King of Lyrics”

Since then, he called you again and again when he didn’t have the idea to write. You finally invited him over to your house when you got closer. Mark got to eat in your small dining table with a simple dish that was made with love and care that Mark said tasted better than any other dishes he ever had.

You laughed saying he is exaggerating, but Mark never exaggerates when he is with you.

“Be my girlfriend will you?” he one night asked after you teach him how to cook a proper egg. Despite him succeeding the challenge back in 2020, he still needs practice. He succeeded cooking eggs after knowing you for more than a year.

“Suddenly Mark? After you can make a perfect runny egg?” you giggle but nevertheless nodded your head.

His smile that night was even brighter than when he received any awards and praises. His eyes spark joys and emotions uncaptured by cameras. The world never knows how Mark’s true happy face looks like, but if his world is you, then the world knows!

For the first two year of dating, both of you are keeping it low. Dates happen in your house (your wage is enough to buy you a house). You always cook him foods, tried new dishes to him, earned a lot of complains on how the food is not “suitable for Korean tongue” which you always shrug off because he himself is a mix.

But thanks to his constant brave inputs, your dishes are perfectly blended and well known. News media and TV shows started to cast you in their weekend shows. You were offered a contract of a cooking show in a known broadcasting company.

Mark told you to go for it. He knew how happy you are about cooking, and his faith told him “if that is what was given for you, go for it.”

He was right. The internet loves you, they love your simple but tasty dishes. Your show was ranked the hottest that month, famous for helping college student eat a more delicious food.

NCT even did a special relay cam for it, each group were doing a challenge on following your recipes.

Mark was caught off guard on that live shooting day. His team consisted of him, Ten and Johnny.

And you may guess, things went wrong but in a chaotic fun way. When the three of them are together, they just speak in English and forgot all of the filters they should have.

Mark spilled his relationship when he accidentally said out loud “Of course I know how to do that, my girl has been teaching me that.” Mark boasted when Ten asked if Mark could make the egg benedict for their dish.

Johnny and Ten froze on screen, well the NCT members knew your relationship with Mark but they kept quiet. Mark realized what he has said was recorded and forever lives in the web. The comment section went wild and the fans are thrilled about the “mysterious girlfriend Mark has”.

He eventually spilled the truth on a press conference. You were there beside him when he faced the board director and when he sit in front of different mics and cameras flashes. No one knows but throughout the time, when your heart is beating faster than when you took your SAT and final tests, Mark Lee held on to your hand whenever you are answering a question directed to you.

The magazines are taking the favor of the rising topic, inviting you and Mark to take a photoshoot. When you were insecure about taking a picture with him (who has did countless shoots), he squeezed your arm when walking past you and gave a small proud smile as he went to change clothes while you start your personal shoot. No one saw that, but his quick reassuring squeeze boosted your confidence that day and the couple shoot was very nice! You could print that as your wedding pictures!

When the internet goes wild when they connect the theories and Instagram posts Mark and you both made (fans are the best in deciphering codes!), you now walk through the streets crowded by fans. All asking how is it like to date Mark, but not few also told you to screw off. One day when you both are going back to Canada for a winter break, the fans are crowding the way. You gulped when you have to walk pass them, but Mark looked so used to it. He just chuckled and landed a small hand on the back of your waist. With the manager hyung and bodyguard pushing to make way, you made it through the crowd with confident steps.

On the Christmas dinner, Mark was invited to your family dinner and vice versa. You had to attend their family lunch and to say you were nervous was an understatement.

“Mark, what if they don’t like me?” you asked on your bus ride to his house from the airport.

Mark laughed, he always laughed as his first respond, “Baby, it’s going to be okay. Trust me.”

You snorted, “You calling me baby is already suspicious, for three years we dated you “dude” me 70% of the time, “baby” was only like 10%”

He did the math, “Then what’s the remaining 20?%”

“You just call me “Bro” for the res of them.” You squeezed his cheek and planted a kiss there.

“I like it though, not too cheesy.”

He grew red. “Gosh I am having the Jaehyun syndrome. Why are my ears burning?!”

He was not 100% wrong, his parents were nice they grew fond of you especially when you helped his mother prepared lunch. Well you both arrived earlier and you decided to give a hand for the busy mom.

Mark sat next to you on dinner and when you were diving into a yummy Christmas pudding, his parents began asking you the “platonic questions asked to your partner”.

You almost chocked on your pudding when they asked “Are you seeing a future with Mark? Can you make our son happy and us too?”

You were not ready, you expected questions like where you work or where you live. They said “We can find all that answers in the internet, but not the answer to our question.”

Mark’s gentle kick from under the table by your side made you looked at him and he gave you that sincere smile only you have the privilege to see. He nodded slightly and shot his eyebrow to his parents side “Answer them… I am also curious of the answer.”

You grew red, it wasn’t the drink or anything, but his parent’s happy and relieved face when you nod your head and said “I am seeing a future with him, if I get both of your blessing.”

They love you and Mark was right. That night, you invited his family to join your dinner instead. The same question was asked from your parents to Mark and Mark was more than ready to marry you.

But your wedding bells did not chime that fast. He has his career and so do you, both of you just keep the stable relationship going on. Together facing the problems and obstacles in your relationship. Fights occur, bickering occur, threads of breaking up also happened once or twice… but both of you used that to build a stronger bond.

You always melt when Mark came home from a long day. After he showered and savored his dinner, he always ended up leaning on your shoulder in the big snuggle sofa both of you never regret buying. His head on your shoulder, his hand scribbling words to a paper and you whispering ideas to him which brought a big smile to his face.

Writing lyrics has been even easier for Mark, he blended your frustration with his, splattered some love words, and voila a masterpiece! People said his lyrics were relatable and both of you always keep it to yourself that “those happened in our life, no wonder it looked real.”

He always kissed you gently on your lips, tasting the faint cherry flavour of your lip balm. Mark’s lips tasted of medical lip balm, but you love it nonetheless.

You blinked and realized the flashing cameras in front of you. Oh right, someone from the hot magazine company is asking you a question.

‘Can you please repeat your question?” you asked politely to the lady holding out a mic.

She quickly nodded, “A lot of fans are wondering If you are still in a relationship with Mark. Mark was busy for the last months with projects and comebacks. And the interaction update from both of you are little to none. Fans suspected you were over with him, considering that Mark looked like he is the “plain” type in a relationship.”

You pressed a smile, hiding your urge to laugh out loud. Weren’t the fans always picturing Mark as their dream boyfriend? Why did they judge him as the plain boring type then?

You clear your throat and while looking through the crowds, you spot Mark Lee seated in the crowd with a mask and a hat, giving you a nod, and you turned your mic on.

“We’re still going strong; well I think love is not the type of grand gestures or explosive displays.” You started off and caught everyone’s attention.

“It’s made up of little things,” you felt your heart clench upon remembering all the small affections Mark always did to you. “It’s the little things Mark Lee did that say he is here, and he cared for me and that my life has intertwined so deeply into his that there was no need to think.” You take a pause to look at the audience.

Everyone looked impressed, but amongst them you catch one pair of gleaming proud eyes, the pair of eyes you’ve been waking up to for the last years, and the one you want to wake up to in the future years.

“It’s Mark’s casual intimacy that made us both stay strong and stronger.”

Applaud was heard through the room, you were holding your press conference because you were retreating from all the cooking shows and rumor has it you are going to marry Mark.

“Please pray for both of us, as we will be tying our bonds soon.” You leave the room after a bow and the man with mask and hat is already waiting for you outside the big crowded function hall.

His hand naturally makes its way to your waist and you never felt more sure to step into life with this man you love, Mark Lee.

“That was wonderful (y/n)~”

You smile, he did not dude you nor bro you nor baby you. “I love you Mark Lee,”

He leaned in for a peck behind the tinted black van window, “I love you most (y/n) Lee,” he winked and you rubbed your cheeks “Guess I have the Jaehyun syndrome now! Also I like it when you call me with that name.”

He quirked his eyebrow and smirked, “Don’t worry, you’ll be hearing that soon for the rest of your life.” He reached for your hand and kissed the knuckles.

“I met you thanks to your amazing handy work in cooking unforgettable dish.”

You rolled your eyes, “You were so amazed on my egg benedict Mark! How is that an unforgettable dish?”

He shrugged his shoulder, “I don’t know, something about you, cooking, and love made me this love struck and awfully amazed by simple things you did.”

the end

thanks for reading, put in comments for I’d love to interact with you on the story plot .. rant to me what you hate or like idc :D i want to talk with my readers! to thank you all for reading and spending some time here

omg i didn’t know if I made the right choice of making Mark Lee as this character, but I want it to be him.. I’ve been writing a lot of Jaehyun and Yuta fic and I guess Mark can be a refresher. Please let me know if someone else suits this better!

[engineer-in-space]

a simple call of the wild review that is totally professional and not way too detailed by me (February)

It's gonna be a bit of comparing to previous powerwolf albums/songs and remember everything is my own opinion. If you disagree/agree we may talk about it in a civilized way, I actually love talking to others about this shit!

But otherwise (hate, insults, etc.) you can keep your opinion somewhere where I can't see it :) Also, the album has barely been out for a day and things change with time and I may grow to like certain things more. (but there's not too much that I don't like tbh) But I hope you enjoy this metalhead-gremlin's ramblings!

Faster than the flame

I had to listen to it quite a few times before I could say anything about it. It's a powerful start into the new album, however, it is (as previously stated) powerful but didn't blow me away like the first songs on the previous albums. (Fire &forgive, Blessed &possessed, amen & attack - wait am I just now noticing a pattern here? oh my god. Anyway.) Maybe I got that personal feeling that I want it to be Fire & Forgive, which is, of course, not possible and would be boring. So i think I'm not even critizing the song but rather the order of the songs.

It feels like a typical powerwolf song; both lyrics and instrumental. Fast, heavy, something about flames and burning - awesome. The two Latin parts (I think it's called the pre-chorus? man, I have no idea and will just throw around these words because my internet connection is too bad to look this up. But if you listen, you'll know which parts I mean.) already give me goosebumps. I also really, really liked the bridge (again?? idk??) aka the "flame, flame, burning wild in heavens name" part. This was the most memorable part for me after the first time listening. Of course, the guitar arrangement throughout the whole song is just... god bless. I must say that using the word "pastor" is dangerous because my stupid brain keeps thinking Attila is singing about "pasta" again... Oh well, moving on!

Beast of Gevaudan

Man, I've been listening almost non-stop since it was released as a single! At first, my head was comparing it somewhat to army of the night but after a few times this feeling was gone and it became an awesome new idea/song. The choir and orchestra part are so well placed and support the rest of the instrumental and Attila's voice perfectly. Again, much fast, very powermetal. I've grown very fond of the guitar solo. The lyrics tell us a little about the story of the beast and I. Love. Storytelling. In. Songs. Glad matthew finally came around to put his idea out there!

This song also has a video, which left me speechless at first. I love Attila's acting so much??? And making this sort of their own story of Jesus was such a cool idea. Production is high quality as well (didn't expect anything less after The Sacrament of Sin MVs) and there were really nice shots in there. I doubt that I will get tired of this song and this video anytime soon!

Dancing with the dead

That choir stuff in the beginning, following by that awesome guitar riff already had me. I couldn't stop listening to this one either. This might be, in my opinion, the most catchy song on the whole album. The intruments are in perfect harmony with Attila's heavenly voice. The transition into the guitar solo is so damn smooth and well done. I'm having a whole crisis about how good this song is.

The lyrics are interesting too! Again, there's a story to be told. As far as I can interpret it, being introduced to some darker powers and growing to enjoy them, despite previously having lots of faith, is what's going on here. It has this slight feeling of... corruption (in a good way of course). This makes me want to go dancing (with the dead)

This one also has a video! Once again, very high quality. Every band member had their "special moments/shots" and just looked stunning. But Attila left them all behind this time. Slow dancing, in a suit, with that smirk on his lips??? Well done, my dude.

Varcolac

This one's dark and heavy. It brings me back to the good ol' times of Lupus Dei and Bible of the Beast. Just with more orchestra, choir and overall harmony. It makes me so happy that Powerwolf is using so many real life legends and figures on this album! And they did such a good job with them as well. If this song was alive, it would be a scary beast.

The typical metal elements and orchestra/choir parts are very well balanced. And the organ throughout the whole song is fitting. It supports the dark and sinister feeling of the whole thing. My favourite part may be the "And as army we bing fire..." parts! Man, I just love werewolves. Also, I think Attila's famous gibberish singing made a return in this one!

Alive or undead

Oh boy,here we go. The piano in this one is incredible. "Here we STAAAAAAND!" Goosebumps and shivers. Everything about this is so emotional andreading the lyrics while listening just makes me want to cry, ok?! T_T Powerwolf has become so flexible, exploring different ways to make music. This could have been some kind of typical powermetal song but it's not and I'm glad about it.

Even if it's a little different, they never stray to far from what makes them special. The few parts, reminding one of typical church music would not have been necessary but are appreciated! They know when to leave out the guitars and go slowly. What bothers me a little, is that it somehow feels like Attila's voice had a tiny bit more potential up to the chorus. It could've been a little bit softer? if i can put it that way. But honestly this song is raw emotion and everything still fits together. If you thought their first ballad was emotional, buckle up, this one kicked me right in the feels.

Blood for blood (Faoladh)

Powerwolf ventures again into the folk metal territory and successfully conquers it! Could be a headline of something. Anyway, this song is a very worthy successor of Incense & Iron! It just makes me happy, its melody is so light - combined with your typical Powerwolf lyrics. Perfect song to start jumping up and down! It radiates motivational energy. Just like Dancing with the dead, this song has a very smooth transition to the guitar parts.

The melody is strong but still easy enough to quickly get into it! I can barely sit still and write this aaaa. Seriously, I am just happy with this song and will go jump and headbang a while to it!

Glaubenskraft

I have returned from jumping and oh no. It's a German song. Bold of them to go all out on that Latin beginning... it works really well though! It might be because I'm German but this song hits hard. Very hard. It's not easy to make this language sound good and ( if you don't happen to know much about German) the lyrics consist of a bunch of old words and grammar you wouldn't normally use anymore. But they made it fucking work!!! The quiet verses only make the pre-chorus and chorus itself heavier and blow me away. And SOMEHOW this super epic song with (made up, at least I'm pretty sure they don't exist like that) Latin words is about.. you know what Powerwolf writes about a lot. And I LOVE that. It's so subtle and only if you read into it, you're like "wait a minute".

This song has a feeling of corruption too. But not in a good way this time. It feels evil and intimidating and - honestly, I can't get enough of it. Everyone of my neighbours will think I'm some kind of weird Christian fanatic because I WILL yell "Glaubenskraft" just as much as I yelled "Stossgebet". Worth it, tho.

Call of the wild

The song with the same title as the album! (or the other way around, whatever.) This song is just catchy from the beginning to the end. Like many other songs its fast and hard. Just how I like it. Don't take that out of context.

The lyrics and instruments go wild (haha get it), with a really neat Latin pre-chorus. It's very fun to listen to. Personally, it makes me feel like I belong to the pack. That we're strong together, that we can say fuck it once in a while and just go crazy. The chanted part near the end of the song reminds me strongly of Sanctified with dynamite (ya know "die, die dynamite" and "call, call, call of the wild") and it's really cool they pick up on old things once again. Be it intentional or not. It's a reminder that they still are who they were back then - and their music is still fucking incredible.

Simply an epic song, strong vocals, strong guitars. I really, really like the intro. Attila has to sing so many words in such little time, does he even need to breathe now and then?

Now I'm wondering what came first; the album title or the track title? Chicken or the egg?

Sermon of swords

First of all: WHAT IS THAT OMINOUS VOICE IN THE BEGINNING. Mark me down as horny and scared. Ahem.

I really like how the verse and the chorus have their own theme and melody going on and yet they're connected. The chorus is super catchy too! And just say it yourself "Sermon of swords", how cool does it sound??? The choir in the beginning is a really neat introduction into the whole song. The lyrics match the whole album, very much a soundtrack to go on a crusade to, like Raise your fist, Evangelist or Christ & Combat. Just... "AAMEEN!" Ok, I'm actually going insane here, calm down, Feb. These might be my favourite lyrics of the whole album I think?? (unless I said that somewhere else already, then i have more than one favourite.)

The whole song has a more "classical" feeling to it, not only in the Powerwolf sense but also in the Heavy Metal sense in general. BUT. Orchestra and choir are prefectly mixed, especially supporting Attila in the chorus. The guitar solo is really cool and sounds very Greywolf-y, if you know what I mean. It's just Matthew's style.

Undress to confess

The name of this song says it all. This is your friendly reminder that no matter how much they preach about Jesus or the Devil, Powerwolf should not be taken too seriously. When I first saw the title I couldn't help but chuckle a little.

The melody is pretty catchy and easy to remember, the organ and general approach reminds me of Demons are a girl's best friend. I absolutely love how the lyrics are on that thin line of somewhat poetic and ridiculous. Let me provide two examples here: "all the world we posess for desire and sin we carress" - man, this sounds pretty.

And there's also "dressed to hide the dark, and obsessed to ride him hard on the.... crucifix." Yeah, I... I don't know what I expected here. Anyway, this is how you describe church sex without actually using explicit words. (why are you booing me, i'm right)

Still really nice to listen to and have a good time!

Reverent of rats

We arrived at the last song of the album! And here we picked up on the speed and power again! The way the organ is played during the verses makes it so... sinister. Again, this piece reminds me of Lupus Dei. The verses keep the sinister feeling while the chorus picks up more... drama? An epic melody mixed with epic words make my soul ascend to heaven.

This guitar solo is also the absolute good shit. It might be my favourite from all the songs of this album?! Additionally, the drums? I don't know why but they really stand out here. Love how fast paced they are.

Aaaaand that's it! If you've read all the way through holy shit, you are actually a badass. Thank you for staying with me, my werewolf friend. Maybe we'll meet where the wild wolves have gone. But always remember: Metal is religion.