#i am so bad at being able to navigate and understand my own emotions but rn my leading theory as to the funk I've been in this week

[welcometogrouchland]

Lies face down on the ground. I am not an emotionally stable individual. I need a break

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

While I’d love to hear six hours of discussion, perhaps we can hear your top 10 reasons you like Ironwood? Don’t want you to lose your voice after all my fellow Dadmiral friendo

Look I stream for 6 hours straight some days but that’s beside the point lolz. Also sorry this took so long. Life has been a thing.

1. James feels…human. I know the point of characters in stories is to make them feel alive and to immerse you into the world I know. But stay with me there are just little details like James adjusting his tie and little laughs at R/WBY’s antics that just make him feel more real.

2. James is strong. And not just in the physical sense but the emotional one. Between him in volume 3 holding it together despite the world falling apart around him and him taking on all of Atlas and Mantles hatred and vitriol while trying to protect them is incredible. Everyone hates him despite him trying his best and it’s both incredible and heartbreaking to see.

3. James is compassionate. I am not even slightly referring to volume 8 that bullshit is not canon at all just no. After watching Yang with his own eyes break (who he thought) was an innocent students leg unprovoked after the match ended and his aura was down, he believed her when she said she saw him attack first. He assumed the best of her even when all evidence showed that she was being malicious. Or in volume 4 when Weiss accidentally summoned a Grimm that attacked someone, he stood up for her or after Ruby failed to stop Cinder in volume 3 (? Or 2 can’t remember for sure) and he told her she did well and she took action which is what huntresses do. He is strict but he shows kindness to people.

4. He’s kind of silly sometimes. He’s normally very strict so it makes his funny moments stand out more. Like when he laughs when the girls admit they stole an airship or when he grins at Winters comment about how he couldn’t pay her to smile for the cameras.

5. He’s not a good public speaker. Now I can hear you say “but wait, he speaks publically all the time and while yes he does, he also does the equivalent of error 404 when things don’t go exactly as he mentally prepared beforehand and we see this in volume 7.

When the girls don’t react at all to his announcement that they’re all huntresses now he just freezes because this man needs to preplan everything and he did not have a plan b prepared and panics and it’s so relatable I adore it so much.

6. He’s awkward. While similar to the last point, people can suck at public speaking and still be able to converse well with people in a smaller setting but sometimes James seems to even be a little awkward even in less formal moments.

7. In early volumes he was allowed to make mistakes and still be a good person. I like it when characters are allowed to make a mistake and still be seen as a good guy. People make mistakes and screw up but that doesn’t make said person evil. Sometimes we can’t fix something or stop a bad thing from happening or even make a decision that winds up causing more problems. But the intention of the decision is the important thing. James wanted to protect people in volumes 2 and 3 so he brought his army because he had a feeling Salem was up to something. Cinder used said army to cause even more chaos but at the time the narrative refused to demonize him for this and allowed people to understand what his intentions were. That’s way more compelling than the narrative twisting itself to try and somehow prove the mains are always correct and never make mistakes. Learning and growing make stories interesting.

8. James is willing to make the tough decisions. Time and time again we see James making really difficult calls to try and navigate a war that most people don’t even know they’re fighting. He makes the plans to transfer Ambers Aura to keep it from Cinder. He pulled his armies from the other kingdoms to try and maintain peace, he decided to focus on Amity instead of the wall to try and restore global communication, he decided to try and save who he could when he was put between a rock and a hard place. He made the tough calls and stuck by his decision and that is admirable.

9. James trusts people. After James’s talk with Glynda she took his advice to heart and was more open and honest with people. When Winter tells him something is going on at Haven, he takes her word for it. When Ruby and co lie to his face he trusts their word. He trusts Yang when she says she saw Mercury attack her first during the Vytal Festival. (Despite what the narrative tries to tell us) James gives people the benefit of the doubt and is willing to trust people.

10. James is an incredible fighter even without a typical offensive Aura. Pretty self explanatory but James is able to go toe to toe with some dangerous adversaries and hold his own despite not having a special “super power” like everyone else does. Or even a special weapon really he kicks ass with just a pair of guns and that is so badass of him lolz.

And a bonus more meta point because I want to talk about this so there. But one thing I loved about Ruby and James’s volume 7 fallout is that we can see exactly how and why each of them made the decision they did during that breakdown. On one had we have Ruby who is full of hope still and sees the best in the world. She lost her friends and is still dealing with the trauma of that and doesn’t want to ever lose anyone else again or let people suffer a loss like she did during the fall of Beacon. On the other we have James who is equally traumatized from Beacon but in a very different way. He did his best to fight back against Salem and it was in the end used against him and caused even more pain and suffering. He’s terrified of going toe to toe against Salem again and wants to protect what he knows he can until he knows they are able to take on Salem. It’s realistic and painful and neither side is really a perfect option. It’s a bad situation and we can see how the characters respond to it and it feels in character and real and I wish that we got to see that writing continue into volume 9.

Sorry again for how long this one took! As I said life’s been all over the place and chaotic and it still is but I got a burst of motivation so I decided to finally type this out.

[yermes]

On modern magicians a paradigm of art and nostalgia 🍁

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Pick a meme

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Disclaimer: please take what I say with a grain of salt and not as the gospel. I just want to share some ideas of practicing and giving advice using the medium as often as I can with school, work, and my own personal studies and practice. But I am working on sharing my notes soon so that will be exciting! Liking and sharing does a lot 🥰

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What I am writing? Feel free to follow! Link on pinned intro

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The cards

Darmstadtium 110 ✂️

Being both very new, very artsy, and unbelievably toxic, has a short life of being acceptionally trendy and acceptionally kinda bad for you with a shit ton of exposure. To not burn out I may suggest keeping an arms length distance with the community. Foster your likes and dislikes feel your emotions, feel out your genuine likes outside of the blatant occult scenery. Be aware of those just trying to profit off of fools who don’t understand themselves

Roentgenium 111 🃏

You gotta be able to see through the shit pookie. Some of it is weird as fuck and you need to be socially educated to navigate people with an agenda. YOU CANNOT BOTTLE UP ESOTERIC KNOWLEDGE AND SELL IT FOR IT ONKY COMES WITHIN. Like duh it can be brought out through inspiration, you can give tips and tricks, resources, but people who think they are the most powerful warlock in all the land has a big storm coming when someone who really knows their shit steps out from around the cauldron. Don’t get stuck in their shit!

Palladium 46 🫁

With the changing visage of magic throughout the ages, it cannot change the true components. Magic is valuable, its valuable to yourself and is deeply personal to you and your lifestyle. Things get so stylized, so Pinterest, but its all about knowing. Its all about expanding, it is all about being better than you ever could. Expand far, expand yourself and do not glom onto who makes others.

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Extras:

Story/vent:

Im tired pookies

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[nahalism]

Do you struggle with boundaries when you love people? i think its the hardest part for me and i dont know how to navigate it to this day

i wouldnt say i struggle but i have moments lol. relationships are a part of life so it can be a reoccurring challenge that crops up when i least expect it. on the whole i do well, but there are times i hide behind avoidance, and other times where i fail to draw the line.

something that rly helped me (& i still practice) was taking the time to define who i am, what i need, what i like, and what i want, on my own. for example: what practices help me maintain good mental, emotional and physical hygiene? what actions do i need to take to attain my personal aspirations and goals? what do i like to do for fun and how do i like to do it? do i manage my time in a balanced way? how much of my day is allocated to tasks surrounding myself vs tasks centred around others? how often do i sidetrack my plans or alter my plans to cater to others? i have free time, but is it free time or me time? — that process got me familiar with what being in my own orbit, and living by my own preferences felt like. & having preferences (and the ability to assert them!) is literally all boundaries are.

having boundaries with yourself (knowing and respecting your preferences), creates self trust, self assuredness & the makes the desire to preserve that growing sense of self a priority. deeper than that!! it made acting according to my own desires feel normal. & that was so important cause nobody wants to be bad with boundaries, but i kept forfeiting mine for reasons that were so ingrained in me that i wasnt even aware of the exact moment id betrayed myself. building that relationship with myself made me aware of moments where id shrink myself, or moments when id presume that only certain parts of me would be accepted in the spaces i was in. because i knew that fuller version of me, i began to recognise how i would 'camouflage'. i could recognise when i was abandoning parts of myself or how id relinquish parts of my routine around certain people. only by being aware of those moments was i able to understand not just why i lacked boundaries, but the situational triggers for the relapses in my behaviour. — side note* it can be tempting to start with 'why' or get stuck on blaming circumstance for why we are how we are. but there is no shortcut for starting at step 1, which is starting with yourself. taking the time to get on a level with myself meant that i wasnt 'choosing' to have boundaries. i wasnt doing the work out of obligation, but because i really valued the time id shared with myself and really rated the person i discovered i was. i no longer wanted to let myself down or inhibit myself and short change me of a life experience i deserve. creating the space i provided for others, for myself, was a priority and a deep desire. without that as my anchor, the answer to why i acted the way i did wouldnt have mattered because id have never found the answer in myself. ultimately, any form of codependency / enmeshment with others / or forfeiting of boundaries, is based in fear. and usually that fear is of being alone, being unsafe, rocking the 'boat', a.k.a being alone, attacked, rejected, bullied or abandoned for being you. getting myself in order before trying to order how i interacted with others = a knowledge and comfort that i wasnt alone nor could i ever be. i felt safe with myself and sure that i could never be unwelcome out of the space i was holding for myself UNLESS i continued to alter myself for others or fail to assert myself when with others. once i tapped into that i could consciously show up even when it felt uncomfortable to do so, & even when i made/make mistakes and regress, i have a safe space to come back to and a foundation to move forward from.

i know you didnt ask for all this but i just wrote what came to me as a response (my baaaad that its long). i just feel like life sucks when we dont advocate for ourselves and so hopefully a pinch of whats working for me will work for you. it takes time & the road is windey, but its so worth it and the progress is certain. sending you a big hug & good luck 🫂

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

My husband was just diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and I’m worried that the lifestyle changes we’re going to have to make for that (especially the carb counting if I’m ever going to cook for us again) are going to bring back old restriction habits. I am a long time in recovery, but I’ve never really been able to heal my thoughts and emotions fully. I’m scared that helping the person I love is going to send me back to that bad place. Do you have any advice for how to navigate this?

Oh that's difficult! I suppose one thing you could do is remind yourself that different bodies need different things and that a food is not necessarily "bad" just because it's bad for him. Use this reminder every time you're struggling with restrictive thought. You could also make sure to take time for yourself and, during these times, treat yourself to the foods you don't eat with him. After all, he is responsible for his own well-being and you are responsible for yours. In a partnership you do adopt a certain degree of responsibility for one another but you do not cease to be individuals, so make sure you are setting aside time to take care of your individual self. Get in the mindset that that's what you're doing, cultivate a self-care mindset to combat the self-destructive urges.

Additionally - do you HAVE to eat the same things as each other every day? I understand that it might be hard on him to watch you eat freely while he has to follow a restrictive diet, but he has to understand that your health and safety matter just as much as his. It is your responsibility to take care of your health FIRST, so that you will have the stamina to take care of him when necessary. You are primarily responsible for your own health condition just as he is primarily responsible for his own health condition, and so he must maintain a diet that supports his condition no matter how much it sucks. Perhaps you could have a talk with him about that - maybe you could set aside a couple nights a week where you cook and eat the same meals, and then the rest of the time you make modifications to his meals and yours so that his are catered to his specific needs? I understand that's possibly more cooking work, but it could be a way of reinforcing the mentality of "I am prioritizing the care of me" and also "just because this food is bad for him doesn't mean it's bad for me."

When preparing his restrictive foods, just make sure you keep reminding yourself of whatever you needed to hear that got you through initial ED recovery. After all, learning to stay strong through the hard times is part of the recovery journey.

I get it, though - it's complicated. Best of luck to you and your husband in finding the solutions that will work for you.

[trans-axolotl]

i've been thinking a lot lately about my trauma and my teenage years, and something i've been coming to understand about myself recently is that the things that stand out to me as the most harmful and still impacting me isn't even the actual violence or abuse, but the experience of never being believed, being denied the right to define my own narrative, and the process of learning with certainty that there was no one i could actually rely on to provide help if i needed it.

i had amazing friends, who really truly cared for me, that made so many things better in so many ways and made me feel loved, then and now, but they were kids too and they could not fix anything and never should have been in a position where that felt anywhere close to being their responsibility.

i think there was a lot of things i had to internalize to survive. i had to internalize that fact that expecting people to help was going to be dangerous when that safety net never was there, i had to learn how to avoid feeling my emotions and processing the things that were happening to me, i had to learn how to survive by myself and know deep down that i was the only one who i could rely on, at the same time as i was navigating this really, really deep desire to be seen and known and heard and loved.

a lot of things i did at the time that felt crazy and out of control make a lot more sense to me now looking back on it. it makes a lot of sense that i would start self harming intensely when i consider the fact i felt so scared, hurt, and isolated when no one believed my distress the times i did ask for help, and i felt the desperate need to have physical proof that i was in crisis. it makes sense i would continue to turn to self-destructive behaviors of all types because they were short term ways to avoid thinking about what was actively happening to me. it makes so much sense that there were all these bizzare or confusing ways that i was acting because i wanted and needed attention, and because when it came down to it, i had no control over anything in my life except for what things i could do to my body. so yeah, it makes sense i used to be addicted to self harm, that i have an eating disorder, that i used to be intensely suicidal. that there's other types of self destructive behavior that i still feel more ashamed about and don't want to talk about publically. that my go to coping skill anytime i start to feel stress in my adult life is these self destructive things, because that's what i had to learn to survive a violent, chaotic, and dangerous set of years.

i don't know. i really do think that the things that have stuck with me and kept haunting me isn't always the memories of physical or sexual violence or transphobia and intersexism and ableism but rather the experience of just knowing, without a doubt, that i needed help, but that i had no one to turn to, that i wouldn't be believed, that often i just would get hurt worse. of not having any options to get out of the situation and feeling so helpless and stuck and trapped. and i think that's the hardest thing about trauma healing for me right now is that now, i am in a much safer situation where i generally can expect that i have people who care about me, i know that i have so so many more options for help when i do get into bad situations, and that i am much more secure in my own autonomy and narrative. these self destructive things that once did serve the very important purpose of keeping me alive--now get in the way, bring their own distress, disrupt my relationships, make it hard to function. and i wish it was as simple as just being able to go "okay, it's over now, we can stop using these skills to cope because finally, finally you have so many more options to choose from."

but i guess i do actually finally feel really hopeful. not that i'm cured or recovered or that either of those things feel meaningful to me, but that i can be in a place where i'm ready to learn and try and practice all these new options for coping. and that i dont know. all these things that i carry a lot of shame about because they were/are things i am doing to myself, that sometimes i can look at those things and go "i'm so glad i survived and that I'm actually proud of myself for doing what it took to save myself and get to this moment where now, i have a life where I do have options and do have people." that i'm not a failure or crazy for having done self-destructive things for so long, for still doing those things--but being able to actually hold space in my life for the fact that it was good that these things helped me survive, that i can look back on those times with a lot of love and gentleness instead of anger. i don't think i would be here, healing and hopeful and proud, if i hadn't done the things that i did to survive those really, really shitty years. and while some days all i feel is SO fucking frustrated that these self destructive coping strategies still are something that i have to grapple with, i think i like the idea of having room to view them with compassion, and to be able to acknowledge the vital role they once did play while affirming that i have so, so many more options of coping skills to choose from now.

i don't know. i'm slowly learning that i don't need to pretend everything's perfect all the time when it's not, i don't need to act like i'm always moving in a linear direction, i don't need to always be in control and solving my own problems. but i think i geinunely am feeling like some things that have been hurting for a long, long time are starting a hurt a bit less for now. and that's pretty fucking special to me.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, I have problems understanding (emotionally) that people can have different moods. I assume it's because of my childhood trauma. Once someone is really mad at me (or in general, really mad, not just a bit angry) I assume every "positive" emotion they display later on is only acted. I can never trust them because I believe "they only play happy and trustworthy and wait for a good time to hurt me again."

My mom has a lot of moodswings and in bad moods she's really abusive so, I am aware where it comes from and that it isn't unreasonable. But it still hasn't gone away, although I understand it, rationally. And I don't know how to get rid of it.

Of course I see different emotions in myself too but when I have a strong emotion I feel so.. detached from myself, like half a different person, that I am reading a bit about OSDD.

So it is hard for me. How can I learn to trust a person, even if they've been angry around me? How can I trust that my partner loves me, even if he's angry or stressed?

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

It sounds like the emotional environment that you grew up in has largely shaped the way you view emotions, whether it's you're own or someone else's. It sounds like you may be using your experiences with your mom's behaviors to explain other people's emotions, which has been causing you some issues. It also sounds like you may be experiencing some level of emotional repression or dissociative amnesia, which may be connected to all of this.

I found that it's helpful for me to remind myself that there's a difference between someone experiencing anger as an emotion and someone taking that anger out on you. I try to just take inventory of what I'm noticing about the situation - are they saying something mean to me? Did something happen to them? Are they taking their aggression out on me or are they taking it out on objects? If they're taking their aggression out on objects, is it because they can't contain their emotions or are they trying to intimidate me? Observing context clues can especially help answer these questions for yourself.

What helps me the most is ensuring that I have open and fully transparent communication with people, especially my partner. Sometimes it's as simple as asking if they're mad at you or something else. Being able to have a space to talk about emotions and what it means when they're angry can put your mind at ease, at least somewhat. Getting a sense of what makes them angry, what it would take for them to be angry at you and if you think those things are reasonable, these can all provide some reassurance.

But ultimately, these feelings of distrust may not necessarily vanish by keeping communication totally transparent. It sounds like these fears come from a place of trauma for you, and so it may not be that easy to shake, which is okay.

Unfortunately I don't think the answers are easy or simple here. These are complicated issues that cannot necessarily be changed overnight, and most likely would benefit from the counsel of a mental health professional. I'm not sure if you can afford or access therapy if you don't already have it, but a therapist may help you navigate your trauma and the responses thereof. They can help you work towards developing a better way to look at emotions, whether they're someone else's or your own. They can also explore the possibility of OSDD with the professional insight that you deserve.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[cityinagardxn]

asexuality. what is that nonsense. i will call myself asexual, but is that the truth? how broad of a label for the nuanced thoughts and experiences i am in possession of.

once again, brought back to the dumpster fire that are labels. can’t stand ‘em. but we need them. i don’t want them! agh!

everyone has their own opinion on what counts as asexual though. how terrible. some even deny that it means queer. even worse. is there any sort of validation? sorry, no.

so, have you experienced sexual attraction?

no. i mean, probably not. i don’t think so. damn.

allow me to explain, please. not once have i ever looked at someone and thought: “yes, that person is attractive in the way that makes me want to have sex with them.” no, that has never occurred.

so, have you ever desired sex?

yes, but not until relatively recently. does that disqualify my asexuality?

once again, allow me to elaborate. i never thought i would be able to be comfortable enough with a person to be sexually intimate with them. i thought there was nothing someone else could do for me in that way that i couldn’t do for myself. however, it appears i have been proven wrong.

you see, my dear, sweet, wonderful partner seems to have changed my view on all things sexual and intimate, not that i had much of a view previously. and it’s great, because he’s asexual too!

wait, he’s asexual too? then why are you guys even having sex? that doesn’t make any sense, you’re both disqualified. this is why asexual people are just straight people in disguise. someone call the authorities!

no, please. you’ve got this all wrong. his experience is almost the exact same as mine. the fact that we were able to successfully navigate intimacy for the first time in a way we were both comfortable with is probably a miracle. you really don’t understand.

physical closeness with him led to more sexual-ish intimacy, which eventually led to actually sexual intimacy. it was a progression! being asexual doesn’t mean sex can’t feel good!

oh please. so you’re both a little prudish. you aren’t a whore. good job. you “saved yourself for the right person.” nice. you still just want to be special.

listen. i am quite confident that if i attempted to have sex with anyone else, who i didn’t have the same connection i have with my partner, sex would be weird and uncomfortable and bad. sex without an emotional connection is worthless. plus, i don’t think that i’m sexually attracted to my partner in a conventional way. i wasn’t even aesthetically attracted to him for the majority of the time i knew him prior to dating. is that mean to say?

how can you have enjoyable sex with someone you’re not sexually attracted to then?

i am attracted to him in many ways. emotionally, romantically, aesthetically (more now), physically (non-sexual, just like to touch), etc. and the enjoyment from sex feeds off of those types of attraction. i am not repulsed by sex, like some people who are asexual. this does lead to question if i am actually experiencing sexual attraction sometimes, but i don’t think i am. and i never desired actual sex with another person until i had sex with my partner, and even now that desire is only projected onto him.

you don’t really sound like you’re fully asexual. you could probably define yourself as something more specific that describes your identity better.

yeah, see, that’s the thing. i’d really rather not. sometimes i think that comes from internalized queer-phobia at hyper-specific labels and how society as a whole views those. that very well could be a part of it. but it also just seems like so much effort and self analysis. which is ironic, as i love to self analyze. however, just because i may not fit your specific idea of asexual, does not mean i don’t fit on the spectrum. i am for sure sex positive, maybe i am demisexual, or graysexual, or whatever else. but i do not owe it to anyone to define myself in such a particular way that it makes them more comfortable in how to view the validity of my identity. i will likely continue to say asexual, because to me it encompasses the asexual spectrum, which is pretty vast. and then again, the asexuality is only part of it. i am queer for being asexual, and a big fuck you to anyone who says otherwise, but i would also date anyone of any gender, not that that should be a deciding factor for anyone to determine the validity of my queerness.

[euphoria102323]

જ⁀➴ ❝ 7th Monthsary …

Happy 7th Monthsary, My Jaehyun!

As I sit down to write this, I’m overwhelmed with a flood of emotions, reflecting on the beautiful journey we’ve had together. It feels like just yesterday when we started this incredible adventure, and here we are, celebrating seven amazing months.

These past months have been a blend of joy, laughter, challenges, and growth. You have been my solace, my rock, and my confidant through every high and low. I cherish the quiet moments we've spent cuddling, where the world fades away and it’s just you and me, wrapped up in our own little bubble. Your willingness to listen to me rant, whether it’s about a bad day at work or something trivial, means the world to me. Your patience and understanding are just a few of the countless reasons I love you.

We’ve shared so many wonderful dates, each one unique and special in its own way. Whether it’s a simple coffee date squeezed in between our hectic schedules, or a planned outing that we've looked forward to all week, every moment with you is a cherished memory. Our time together, though sometimes brief, is always filled with love and laughter, making even the simplest of dates feel extraordinary.

But it’s not just the good times that define our relationship. We've faced challenges and navigated through tough times together. There have been moments of frustration, misunderstandings, and tears. Yet, through it all, we’ve always found our way back to each other, stronger and more connected than before. It’s these moments that have tested and proven the depth of our bond, showing us that love isn’t just about the happy times, but also about standing by each other when things get tough.

I am incredibly grateful for the balance we have – for being able to be silly and carefree one moment, and deeply supportive and caring the next. You’ve taught me so much about love, patience, and resilience. I feel so blessed to have you as my partner, and I’m excited about the future we’re building together.

Thank you for being my solace, my cuddle buddy, my listening ear, and my date companion. Thank you for being my partner in every sense. Here’s to us, to the countless memories we’ve made, and to the many more that await us.

Happy 7th Monthsary, my love. Here’s to many more months and years of love, laughter, and growth together.

𝙇𝙤𝙫𝙚, 𝙆𝙖𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙖 ༊*·˚

[lilyminer]

So um, as you guys may have been able to tell by my incessant complaints about tiktok . . . I’ve been purposefully getting into a lot of pointless tiktok comment section arguments recently.

If you’ve been here long enough you know my autistic ass understands my emotions only by aggressively psychoanalyzing myself so don’t mind as I do that for a hot sec.

So that arguing thing is a reoccurring theme in my life, it was most prominent when I was 12 where I was already isolated, became crazy cynical, and read reddit threads constantly, it was nearly my only form of “entertainment”. Looking back I’ve realized, especially at that point, when I was figuring out my sexuality and religious beliefs at the same time, that falling into this argumentative stage in my life results from times when I doubt my morality and opinions.

I’m not proud of it but the reason for this round of pointless internet debates was mostly because upon trying to think up counter arguments to homophobes and transphobes I was stumped and nearly started to consider some traces of logic in their arguments. I don’t need to tell y’all that’s just a shitty thing to have rattling around in my head! So I pursued it so hard I ended up forcing myself to engage with those kinds of people to “make sure I had good counter arguments” <- (self destructive bullshit).

And while that was shitty I come out the other end knowing more about my values than ever. Specifically I found the heart of my morals, pure unsceptical acceptance until proven guilty. Partly born out of being the weird kid myself I just accept people at face value, cringe culture be damned (literally burn in hell actually, cringe is my enemy). So I’ll meet groups of people like (and don’t mind me listing off a bunch of people tiktok seems to hate) People who are self diagnosed, therians, neopronoun users (before I become one) and I’ll just do my best to understand and accept them. Although I’m not out here flaunting this like it’s any better or healthier then people who do bring some amount of scepticism to learning of a new group. Because it’s this mindset that’s left me defending bad people because I can see their point of view (duh they’re human of course I can). I of course follow the rule that I am tolerant only to those who are not intolerant to others. (In a wider margin tho, if people think crystal healing is bullshit I’m not hating them as much as a transphobe).

Life is long, and difficult, and morality is a weird concept to navigate especially on the internet. But meeting people with patience and tolerance has gotten me this far, I don’t think my beliefs are particularly rare or radical but especially in the comment sections of people going through their own lives and struggles it seems acceptance is underrepresented. Spread a bit of positivity if ya can, It’s a powerful thing.

[lifewithcraig]

I'm ready to go.

It is 12:25 on the morning of Christmas, and I am going to bed in a bad mood.

A few hours ago, my mom, dad, sister, brother-in-law, and I sat at the kitchen table. We talked about my favorite topic: my love life. (If it is not abundantly clear, this is certainly not my favorite topic.)

As I once again tried to gently hint that I would not end up with a woman, my dad gave a drunken monologue about how ten years from now, I will fall madly in love and sing a different tune. (Sorry, Dad. In ten years, you will likely be very disappointed in me.)

I like to say I am not in the closet. I am just not out of it per se.

I began my usual pitch of laying the foundation of the truth.

I have never liked anyone.

I do not see myself ending up with anyone. (This one is a half-truth. I do not see myself ending up with anyone for as long as my parents are alive.)

I have no interest in ending up with anyone.

I have been single for all 28 years of my existence and would not know how to share a life with someone – which is entirely true. I have felt alone my entire life, and as painful as that can be, there is something equally painful about the stress of finding someone – and of trying not to lose them.

I even cracked a joke about how maybe I would end up with a pilot or a concierge nurse or, hell, even a doctor like my sister – anyone with an occupation that involves either being away for stretches of time or spending most of their time at work.

And then my sister had to deliver her assholey sisterly death blow.

"I don't think a doctor would want you."

"Why not?"

"Hygiene."

I want to be clear that I have never once had a friend tell me I smell bad. No one has ever told me that I look unprofessional or unkempt. I regularly shower and brush my teeth.

Yet I cannot help but mentally spiral. While I have never liked anyone for as long as I lived, no one has liked me.

Do I want a mate? I don't know. I waver on this.

Do I feel like a failure for never being able to attract one? You bet.

But this has nothing to do with my prospective partner. No. This post is about my family.

On Tuesday, I am hopping on a plane to Portland, Oregon, to begin a new life. A life that I have wanted for a very long time. A life I never thought I would have.

And to be honest, I was apprehensive about it. I was scared about feeling more alone than I do in moving to the other half of the country to a place where I do not have a single friend. My burgeoning sense of adulthood and the weight of navigating new expenses and responsibilities I have never had stressed me.

But I have come to the realization I can no longer live here. I do not feel encouraged or supported. I do not feel valued or respected. When I speak with my family, I am ignored and talked over. When I meet others, I am pulled away like a toddler being led away from a stranger. Everything from my hair to my clothes gets criticized for no merits other than they are not the way my family would like. I lie and I hide things and I suppress who I am.

Sometimes I feel so unbearably depressed it is as though I am suffocating, drowning in a well of suppressed emotion that feels like it is only getting deeper and darker and thicker like the depths of the Mariana Trench. When I lie in bed for hours, there is no attempt to understand why. Instead, I get called lazy, moody, and difficult.

I live in the city where I was bullied and harassed every day of my adolescence. I have not a single friend in my hometown. I am immobile only because my father could not spare a few hours to teach me how to drive when I was a teenager. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I would not want to live if I had to continue living this way.

And so, as terrified and reluctant as I am to bear the frigid weather and excavate the unknown, I can finally admit that I am ready to go. This place was never my home. I could never hope to be happy with my family. And the best thing I could do for myself is to go where I can be free.

[libbee]

The power of acknowledgement and validation

Being an 8th house moon/venus, life got really messy many times. Things happened suddenly, my emotional state was chaotic and it felt like whatever happened in my life path was out of my conscious control. It felt like my life was destined to unfold like that, with all the good and bad, and each downfall would be a turning point for me to emotionally and psychologically reinvent myself.

Growing up, unaware of psychology and astrology, I repressed and normalized all the toxic behaviours i saw in my surroundings. During my 8th house ruler's time period, all that debris came up to the surface and I began to process my trauma.

This is when I realized the power of acknowledging and validating someone's life experiences and emotions. This is when I learned how powerful it is when someone validates your trauma and acknowledges your feelings. Especially for 8th house natives who crave deep bonding yet find themselves alone in the crowd, occult can be a powerful tool to connect with their feelings and subconscious world.

I have seen one Saturn in 8th house native in pisces sign suffering because they dont trust in self healing. Their life was full of ups and downs, delays, struggles, long lasting health issues, life threatening events. Saturn made them disciplined, hard working, pushed them to their limits. But it also restricted their emotional state. It made them repulsive to healing. They are stuck in emotional patterns of self destruction and self sabotage. I read their birth chart and tried to acknowledge their feelings.

But I also learned that people dont change until they are ready to change. That is a tough thing to do. Very tough. Change comes from deep within. And it is a lifelong process. This is why venus in 8th house is famous for changing after each relationship. Because the change comes from within. The desire to genuinely want a better relationship. Their lover exposes to them everything that is wrong with their psyche. They bringe forth everything that was hidden from their conscious awareness. These natives then begin to fix things. This is healing.

Earlier I was really critical of occult communities and called them bullshit. But now I empathize. I understand that different people find validation of their feelings from different sources. Some find from watching tarot videos on YouTube, some from reading tarot spreads, some from astro communities, some from professional help.

I also find it funny how once upon a time I was the girl who used to message my birth chart to astrologer for them to read mine and tell me things about my life. I was so clueless when I saw my birth chart. But now, after healing, after going though 8th house period, after seeing rock bottom, I can naturally read my own birth chart. I can use my intuition to navigate astro. I can read other people's charts and connect them to their behaviour. I am better able to read people. Earlier my perception of other people was totally messed up. I would invest myself in wrong people, give my heart and soul to them and then face betrayal that would break me into pieces.

So, yes, validation of life experiences, being heard, being seen, being acknowledged are really powerful tools for emotional healing.

[willowfey]

.

[cinnamonest]

Y’all are too nice to me I swear… here I am being horny and nasty on main and I’m getting encouraged, damn. But for real  ( ´ ω ` ) thank you so much!!

I’m gaining more confidence to post more smutty stuff and the kind of dark shit I like, so I might go back and make more nasty Childe content later on too… After Albedo, I got Razor and Zhongli coming up, and a few ones I just worked on for fun. But yeah, just in case it wasn’t clear for anyone who followed me, I’m going to be writing almost entirely dark content and some really nasty stuff, so just be aware of that, and don’t consume my writing if that’s something that may be harmful to you.

Albedo is so pretty… and such good dark content material… He treats you like a science experiment but has the audacity to make it hot smh

I haven’t seen a whole lot of him outside the cutscenes, so potentially ooc (as if yandere content isn’t already ooc, lmao)

Albedo - Yandere Profile

tw: general yandere content, obsessive behavior, stalking

tw (below cut): smut, noncon (seriously, you’ve been warned)

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Very much aware. In the beginning, it frustrates him. He’s never been particularly attached to anyone, outside of his former instructor. He’s always enjoyed being out on his own, spending extended amounts of time by himself – the desire to be around someone is a foreign feeling for him. He immediately notices how bizarre the emotion is for him, how it changes his behaviors. His self awareness combined with perceptiveness makes him able to acutely recognize not only how unusual this emotion is for him, but also how the extent of his feelings, the types of desires they ignite in him, is unusual even for “normal” people who aren’t social recluses.

He’s frustrated by his own actions, feels embarrassed at how attached he is to you, how easily you make him flustered and trip over his words. As he is a very aware yandere, he’s definitely afraid of rejection to some degree. He has no idea how to navigate feelings and interactions with other people, he’s never really had the desire to form a particularly strong bond with anyone before. As such, he’ll come across as very awkward, and he will interact with you less than most yanderes – he knows he’s just going to embarrass himself if he talks to you, right? He’ll just mess up and say something strange, so instead, he opts to watch you from the shadows, go to places where you are, but keep a distance from you, just being able to watch you makes him feel fluttery and overwhelmed. 

He will definitely be one to collect things from you. He collects plenty of things for the sake of science, this is no different. Or so he tries to tell himself, but he can’t delude himself even if he tries. He knows its weird, he knows its wrong, but the overwhelming urge to have things of yours is too great to resist. He’ll start off with more innocent things, but it will gradually progress to not-so-innocent… items of yours.

It may not be obvious, but he’s actually a fairly sensitive person, at least regarding you. He places a lot of value in what you think of him, and wants to ensure you’ll respond positively to him. He views it like a science – there should be some formula by which he can put in the correct actions, and produce a specific result. Unfortunately, unlike real science, there’s not much room for trial and error – he feels he only has once chance.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

It will take some time, as he’s got to get over his own nerves first. He’s torn between the fear of you hating him for such a thing, it would be the end of the world for him, but also the desire to pull you away from the world, to keep you hidden from others, to have you all to himself, to be the only person that gets to look at you. If you start showing positive signs, reacting positively to his gifts, expressing interest in conversation with him and going out of your way to see him, he’ll start to get more confident, think that he can afford to do something that might sour your opinion of him, hoping it will merely be temporary.

He’ll probably start to do so several times and back out. He’ll set out at night, make it all the way to your room and stand over your sleeping form, and he’ll start to worry, wonder if someone saw him, see holes in his plans, he gets too nervous and bolts. He’ll persuade you into being alone with him, and although its the chance he’s looking for, again, he’ll get nervous, worry about being caught, run through all the what-ifs, and miss the chance. Honestly, when he does finally take you, it will probably be not planned, but in the heat of the moment, a rash decision from desperation. Something like you coming to visit him to tell him you’re leaving the area, came to say goodbye, and he’ll panic, ultimately grabbing you by the arm as you try to leave and dragging you back inside, silently, but forcefully.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

Moderately difficult. Your best bet is to take advantage of his tendency to be absent minded when he’s absorbed in his work. He gets very lost in his thoughts, to a point where he’ll completely zone out and be oblivious to the world around him. On the downside, this means you won’t have much time to cover distance, he’ll be close behind the moment he realizes you’re gone.

The route he’ll probably take is actually one where you won’t need to be too restrained, because you’ll be taking… a little research trip. Out to the most freezing, desolate areas of the mountains. He’s convinced the knights he needs to stay there for his research, but in reality, he’s internally panicking, as he tries to figure out how to make this work – after all, you two can’t stay here forever. You’d be foolish to run out of the little cabin he’s bought, out into the perilous freezing cold and jagged, high slopes. At first, he thinks there’s no way you’d try it, so he’s content letting you have free reign to walk around as you please. If he has to leave for whatever reason, he’ll probably lock you into a single room, but he won’t chain you up, as again, he's really trying to avoid making you hate him.

If you prove to be determined to leave, he’ll be hurt, but mostly concerned for you. He’s actually not one to get too mad over an escape attempt – he’ll blame himself, or theorize it’s just a natural response your brain triggered. Against his first choice, he’ll end up having to get more strict with your restraints. If you get too whiny, though… you might trigger one of his more frustrated moments.

“I didn’t want to have to do this… I’m sorry. I can’t risk anything bad happening to you. Tell me if it’s too tight… I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t blame you. I know you’re probably panicking over all this, but you’ll get adjusted to it, I promise. Just… just give it some time… it’s not so bad, living with me, I promise.”

“Don’t be like that. You’re only tied up because you tried to leave. You should understand why you have to be kept like this… If you don’t want to be restrained, you shouldn’t have run out, trying to get yourself killed.”

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

For all his academic intelligence, he’s not highly skilled with people and socialization. He’s not too good at being able to tell when he’s being lied to, and he definitely won’t pick up on subtle manipulation. It’ll be pretty easy to wrap him around your finger, he’ll do what he can to make you happy.

Once he finds out you’ve lied to him, though, he’ll get pretty upset. He likely won’t trust you again, and will require proof of anything you say, or set out to find out if you’re telling him the truth or not.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

He’ll try to accommodate you, giving you things you ask for, but he has limits. He’s too paranoid to let you have any contact with the outside world. You do have him wrapped around your finger to an extent, though. Whatever he’s doing at the moment, he’ll drop it in a heartbeat if you want to spend time with him in any way, even if its just you asking for food or to take a walk. He’ll be willing to take you for very short trips outside, no further than a few yards from the lodging, if only because he knows sunlight is vital to your health.

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

The basics will be there – don’t try to leave, don’t be difficult with him, try to cooperate, be obedient. However, he’s also particularly overprotective of anything that can hurt you – even yourself. Under no circumstances can you handle anything that can hurt you – that means no cooking, no knives, no lifting anything heavy, no going outside without him. If you’re determined to cook something, he’ll have to stand right behind you, and watch while you do it. If you get so much as a little cut or burn, he’ll take over, insisting you go sit down after he tends to your “wounds.”

At the very beginning, he’ll be hesitant to punish you too much, as part of his plan to get you to like him. However, he can be a little easily frustrated, and your safety and well-being comes first, even if it means he has to make you upset. He will have to restrain you, take away what little privileges you had. If you try to bolt while you’re outside, no more going outside. If you try something foolish like attacking him with a knife when he gives you cooking privileges, you will lose said privileges. Really, the worst part of it all is the humiliation, being treated like a dumb, incapable baby that can’t do anything for yourself. He insists on doing everything for you, even down to bathing you and dressing you, even feeding you if you can’t convince him to take restraints off your hands. He’ll talk down to you in that way, too, talking to you as if you were a child.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

It’s a situation he’s not prepared to handle, and he’s unsure of what to do. It strikes fear in him that you might have someone else interested, so he has to get rid of them as quickly as possible. He’s not opposed to killing, if it comes down to that, but initially, he’ll try to work behind the scenes – expose something that will ruin their reputation, get them accused of a crime. This would also be one of the possible aforementioned situations that might cause him to kidnap you a bit earlier than he normally would, as well. If he can’t get rid of them easily, he’ll just take you away from them.

He will absolutely try to make you hate them, try to ruin your image of them, and he’s rather good at falsifying evidence for his claims of their behavior. With his alchemic skills, that sort of thing is easily possible.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

He gets more frustrated than anything, when you’re being difficult. This is mostly just him sighing quite a bit, speaking a bit harshly, even pouting and sulking a bit if you’ve offended him. But true anger in him is not pretty, and almost never happens. It’s a buildup, a slow rise that has a boiling point. If he reaches that point, he can definitely get mad enough to hurt you, it’s actually kind of terrifying in how sharp of a contrast it is to how he normally is. It’s a side of him that’s very difficult to draw out. He’s not one to yell or shout, no, his anger is a suffocating silence, he slams down whatever he’s holding as he stomps over to you, grabbing you by the arms hard enough to bruise, and dragging you by the hair to whatever he has planned.

With mild frustration outbursts, he will feel justified, but if it reaches that intense anger, he’ll usually give at least a little apology, tell you he didn’t mean to go that far. He hates to think of you fearing him, but ultimately, if that’s what’s necessary to keep you safe, then he can live with it.

Do they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

It’s an odd mix. On one hand, he sees you as utterly fascinating, the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on, more than any landscape or art he’s seen or made, an invaluable treasure to be kept on a high pedestal. Simultaneously, however, he will treat you like a child, thinks you can’t do anything for yourself. It’s a bizarre duality, but one he is consistent on. You’re precious, so very precious, and he’s undeserving of you, but at the same time, you need him to be safe and sound.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

Of the genshin boys, he’s one of the most determined. He’s not good with people, and he doesn’t really have anyone particularly close to him left anymore. He tends to keep people at a distance. You sort of fill an space inside him that he never knew was empty, a void he wasn’t aware he had until it was consumed by thoughts of you. He doesn’t need anyone or anything else, so long as he has you with him, but he really, really wants it to be true that you love him. He doesn’t need you to even love him as much as he loves you – he doesn’t even know if that’s possible – but he just wants to know that, even if only in the slightest, his feelings are returned. He’s so distant from everyone else, but you wormed your way into his heart, even if you didn’t intend to, with your smiles and softness and kindness towards him. For the first time, he feels weak around someone, but in a way, it’s a good feeling. He wants to be able to be vulnerable, be weak, and not have anything to fear by doing so.

He’s lucid, though, so he doesn’t expect you to love him immediately. As he’s not good with words or displays of affection, he’ll get you all sorts of gifts. Rare items that you wonder how the hell he obtained them, beautifully crafted little trinkets from all his searching and time traveling, more clothes than you could ever wear. You’ll start to feel a little guilty, it’s so much, and you’re certain he doesn’t have that much money. He’ll blow it off, say it’s no big deal, but if you insist, he’ll have to start finding new ways to convey his affection. In captivity, he won’t stop trying, but he’ll understand why you might be angry. In that case, he will utilize what he’s learned from research in books he’s read. He knows that eventually, with him being the only one you have, the only company, the only one to talk to, the only source of touch, you’ll eventually have to cave. You’ll become attached to him, bond with him, whether you like it or not. He knows how powerful the affect of touch can be, and will make sure to hold you in his arms, keep you on his lap, make you crave the only source of human touch you can get. Dependency, he thinks, is the gateway to you loving him.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Drawings. So many of them. Much like his drawings he uses in notes, he’s found he tends to start scribbling a familiar face when his mind drifts off. He’s memorized every little detail of your face, every curve on your body. If you’re ever snooping around, you’ll eventually uncover a book of sketches he has solely dedicated to drawings of you. Drawings of you laughing, smiling, sleeping, drawings that you’re certain were of real events you were at, that you didn’t remember him being at. Every bit in perfect detail. If you confront him about it, he’ll be horrifically embarrassed, insisting they’re no good, or, if you’re upset, trying to reassure you it was all from his mind and totally not him lurking in the shadows as he watches you.

Also, if you want to make him happy, get him on one of his spiels about his work, his interests, anything that he can catch onto and go on and on about. He’ll catch himself rambling and apologize for being “annoying,” but if you reassure him, and express interest, that will make him feel particularly appreciated. It would be a primary way to get on his good side and manipulate him, or lull him into false security to make your escape, if that’s what you’re looking to do. But be warned, it will only work once, and he’ll be far too hurt to let himself indulge in sharing these things with you again.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Publicly, definitely highly reserved. He’s easily flustered, and thinks of sex in a very scientific way, for the purpose of procreation. For fun? He knows it’s enjoyable, but can’t separate it from his very analytic, scientific way of viewing things. It’s a formula, you touch this here and pull that there, and the result is supposed to be orgasmic bliss. He just isn’t very familiar with pleasure – he doesn’t drag out masturbation, even, as that would be a waste of time. He gets it over with quickly, taking short breaks during his work. He is a fairly high drive, though, and gets the urge fairly frequently, about once or twice a day.

He’ll be hornier with your presence, having to leave more frequently to get off to the little things you do, quickly getting himself off while recalling the mental image of you holding a pen in your mouth, the little moan when you stretch, the way your clothes fit to your frame.

Prior to abduction, he’s not particularly touchy at all, in fact, he’s very jumpy if you touch him. Once he’s gotten you alone with him for the foreseeable future, isolated, dependent, he’ll gain more confidence, be willing to give into his cravings to touch you, hold you, eventually progressing to groping you, moving his hands up and down your body, under your clothes, slowly peeling them off.

He’s initially a bit ashamed of his urges towards you, feels guilty every time he gets off to you, but will likewise gain more confidence once you're his.

A guy can only fight off the urge for so long before he cracks, before he can’t continue to care about the consequences. For him, that point is when he knows he finally has you all to himself – his worries fade, and while the guilt is still there, it’s far outweighed by desire.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

He does care, but as stated previously, it’s hard to fight the urge for so long. It will be torture, but for the first few days, he wants you to “adjust” to your new “home,” and not add to your panic. After that, though, he’ll try to assess your reactions. If you’re extremely resistant, he’ll give you more “adjustment” time. He can’t really hold off forever, though, and eventually, maybe a few weeks in, comes to the conclusion that if he just does what he wants, so long as he’s gentle and reminds you he loves you, it will help you get past the mental barrier in your mind. He’s convinced there’s simply a psychological issue, and that sometimes, people need a push. It’s like having a friend who can’t swim – sometimes, you just have to throw them into the water, help them get over that mental hurdle, and they’ll be grateful in the end. That’s what he tells himself to justify it, anyway. He has enough… anatomical prerequisite knowledge to know what’s good and what’s bad, and will take your body’s positive reactions as a sign of what you really want. Is definitely the kind to use that against you, holding up his fingers to your face after you cum on them, as if to prove a point.

“See? I told you, you just have to let go and give in to what you want… if you didn’t, my fingers wouldn’t be dripping like this, now would they?”

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

He wants to experiment on you. This manifests as him being something of a service top without really intending to be, even if you’re not exactly happy about it. He likes to watch your reactions, watch the way your body moves, test the pleasure you get from different things, discover what it is that you like, even if you weren’t aware of it. In particular, he’s fascinated by the fact that girls have so many types of orgasms. He’ll want to try them all, watch and see which ones are more intense than others, which ones make you convulse, makes your toes curl, your eyes roll back. Which erogenous zones make your breath hitch, make you twitch and whimper. Probably the type to be determined that he can make you cum just from something like sucking on your nipples, and he won’t stop until he achieves it. He’ll also want to try everything. At least anything that he thinks has some potential to appeal to him, mentally. He’s a busy man and hasn’t really taken the time to explore his own sexuality, and has virtually zero experience.

Edging, overstimulation, forced orgasms

Experimentation also means testing limits and thresholds. He’ll bring you up to the edge, learn to watch for the slightest of signs that you’re close, listen to your breath, watch your face, wait until you’re just so close and then draw back, stopping just short of letting you catch that high. Then he’ll let you drift back down, and bring you back up again. No amount of begging will make him show you any mercy, you’ll only cum when he’s decided he’s observed enough. He wants to push the limit, see just how close to the edge of orgasm you can get without spilling over, just how much it takes to drive you insane. He’ll also want to see how far you can go after it as well. Orgasm won’t be the end of his ministrations, no, he wants to see how much stimulation you can take. You won’t be able to get away from his tongue, he’ll grab you by the hips and slam you back down, continuing to lap at you even if you’re so sensitive it’s painful. Watching you cum will just make him rut into you harder, bruising and abusing your insides to a point that they’re so sore you can feel it long after it’s over. At first, he might feel a little guilty, and may very well after it’s over, but in the heat of the moment, he can’t fight the insatiable urge to listen to you squeal, feel you convulse, watch the tears from overwhelming pleasure run down your face.

He’ll make it his personal mission to see how many orgasms the female body is capable of within a given amount of time - per day, per hour, how quickly you can have them in succession. For scientific purposes, of course. Anatomy and human biology isn’t really his main field of focus, but he likes to expand his research horizons.

“Just one more… cum one more time for me, then we’ll be done. Come on… I know you can, just one more.”

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

He’s actually good with children, usually. He has a calming effect on kids. He isn’t sure how he feels, though. To some degree, he fears his capabilities to parent, thinks he would be too cold to be a good father. But he also likes the idea of a protege, an heir to his title, one he can teach everything he knows. If he does end up having one, this fucking nerd man will read every book on pregnancy, birthing, and parenting that he can get his hands on.

Also, he’ll absolutely be one to track your cycles, even better than you can. He’s researched enough to know exactly when you’re most or least likely to get pregnant, and you can’t help but notice how much more he seems to cum in you when you’re at your most fertile. Nor can he deny how satisfying it is to watch his cum slowly drip out of you, watching you twitch with aftershock and slowly drift off in exhaustion.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

Unfortunately for you, since overstimulation and edging are already normal and everyday for you, he’ll have to amp it up a bit if he’s trying to make you regret something. He might get rougher, abusing more pleasure spots on your body, keeping his hands, mouth, and cock occupied all at once with driving you over the edge until it’s painful. But if you’re exceptionally misbehaved, you might not ever get a release to his edging, instead left to suffer from being so close, tied up so you can’t finish yourself off.

In moments when he’s really, truly angry, the peak of it, and that blends with arousal, he’ll really, really throatfuck you. Grabbing the back of your head and shoving his cock down as deep as he can, holding you there as you gag and choke, feeling your throat convulse around him, desperately trying to pull back for air. The movements are harsh and brutal, pulling harshly on your hair, moving at a pace so fast you barely have a second to breathe. Thankfully, when it gets like that, he won’t last long, emptying out into your throat, holding your jaw shut and demanding you swallow. If any spills off on your chin, he’ll gather it up on his fingers, hold it to your face, and command you to open your mouth, suck it off, and swallow again. That’s at the peak of his anger, though, and you’ll have to substantially piss him off to reach that point. He’ll apologize later, holding you close, but his guilt doesn’t change the fact that it’s one of the most intense orgasms that he’ll have, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t sometimes think of doing it again, even without provocation. He’s restrained enough not to, but the thought is there… and deep down, he’ll entertain the idea.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

The curves of your body, no matter how defined or faint they are, no matter the general shape of your body, to him it’s the most beautiful thing. He’ll definitely want to draw you, even if you’re not too keen on posing. He’ll run his hands up and down your body, squeezing every little bit of flesh he can, moving his palms over every little curve, every inch of your skin.

[idrellegames]

Wayfarer & Asexuality

It's International Asexuality Day and I wanted to talk a little bit about asexuality and Wayfarer.

I admit I am a little nervous posting this. Some of you know this already, but for those who don't, I am an ace writer. When I came out a decade ago, the vocabulary to describe my experiences barely existed. I spent years questioning who I was because I didn't know the words for it and neither did anyone around me. 

Prior to meeting my partner, dating was a nightmare. I had one really bad year in university where my friend group couldn't understand why I had never dated and spent 8 months peer pressuring me into dating a handful of different people, all because they couldn't believe I was in my early 20s and had never had a relationship and had never had sex. When I was cast in a play and had romantic scenes between myself and another one of the leads, there was a rush to get someone to kiss me so my first kiss wouldn’t be a stage kiss. Later in the rehearsal process, a student director--frustrated with a bad rehearsal--told me that I shouldn't have been cast because I couldn't play a character involved in romance if I had never been in a relationship.  

In my professional writing life, I have met resistance to the idea that asexual characters can have romance as an integral part of their character arc. During my graduate playwriting program, I conceptualized a romantic comedy with an asexual main character. This pitch was shot down by my supervisor who--while not harbouring any ill intent, just misconceptions--could not fathom a romantic comedy with an asexual character. It just didn't “work” for him. Romance is so often integrally linked with sex (both in media and outside) that to have one without the other seemed to rip away a foundational element of the genre I wanted to write. The very idea of romantic and sexual attraction being two separate things was a foreign notion. If I wanted to pursue the rom-com concept, I would have to drop the asexual identity of my lead.

I ended up writing about queer 18th century lady pirates instead, but I still really wanted to work on this ace rom-com. A few years later, I applied to a new playwrights development program to develop a similar concept. This program was funded by a queer theatre in a major Canadian city. I thought that, given that the board were openly LGBTQ+, they would be more open to the idea of an asexual romantic lead. To be fair, I didn't write the best submission (the pitch and writing samples were rushed), but again, one of the reasons it wasn't accepted was because the people reviewing my work couldn't imagine “asexual” and “romantic” existing at the same time.  

Wayfarer is the first professional project where I have been able to include asexual characters without question. That is undeniably important to me as a writer. Asexuality covers a diverse spectrum of experiences and while I may not be able to cover every single one of them, my hope is that its ace main characters provide representation that people like me have been missing in mainstream media and offers an avenue of understanding and compassion for folks who aren't ace.

Alexia is one of Wayfarer's main romanceable characters. She is biromantic asexual. Many of her experiences in navigating the desire for a romantic relationship without sex are based on my own and are an integral part of her romance arc. She is the original ace character I had planned for this game and through her I am finally able to write the ace romance I have wanted to for a very long time. 

Ren is another one of Wayfarer's main romanceable characters. He didn't originally start as an ace-spectrum character, but the more I wrote about him, the more he struck me as being demisexual (demisexuality refers to people who only feel sexual attraction to someone when they have an established emotional bond with that person). He has had one relationship prior to the start of the game, one that ended poorly. His romance arc is the slow burn of the game; it takes the longest to initiate as he needs time to build trust and connection with the MC. Like Alexia, he is also biromantic.

Felix is a main character, but he is not a romanceable by the MC. Like Alexia, he has been ace from the very beginning of conceptualization. Asexuality is not a key part of his character arc, but it does impact some of his relationships. When I created Felix, I was thinking about some of my friends who are ace men and the pressure they have felt to live up to the societal expectation that they must be sexually dominant and experienced because they are men. Felix doesn't care about sex. He is not interested. He is also demiromantic (he doesn't develop romantic feelings without a strong emotional bond).

There are other ace characters (as well as aromantic characters) in Wayfarer aside from these three. This is an explicitly queer story that takes place in an explicitly queer world, and its ace characters are a fundamental part of that queerness.

[flickeringart]

Minor aspects

While the nature of the major aspects in astrology is quite straightforward and has been covered more than sufficiently, there’s still a lot of fog surrounding the nature of the minor ones. There are a lot of minor aspects that can be taken into consideration when interpreting a chart… however, since they are labeled minor they won’t be as obvious and much more difficult to spot in one’s own life. Note that this doesn't mean that they aren't impactful. There’s a lot of speculation and vague terms used when describing them. It seems that every minor aspect is said to have a “spiritual/creative dimension” as if that is supposed to clear up any of the mystery surrounding them. Perhaps, on one level, we don’t want to pin them down too much because certainty is the enemy of exploration. Or perhaps it’s the case that the aspects themselves don’t want to be pinned down? There’s an appeal in keeping certain things mysterious in our lives, to avoid defining and putting rigid labels on phenomena. It makes life alive and beautiful. Many people dismiss astrology is because they are afraid that they’re going to be reduced to a set of characteristics and have their personality mapped up to the point of being able to predict and foresee patterns of behavior and fated themes. The fear of knowledge is not irrational; it is probably healthy to an extent. Knowing too much can be dangerous and rob life of its magic. “Curiosity killed the cat”, as the saying goes. However, this is not the whole truth because curiosity also leads to expansion and better understanding, so let’s not be afraid to concretize these aspects, it's not the same as "killing" their potential. Life is never completely in our hands anyway, there's no risk of knowing it all.

Quintile (72°)/Bi-quintile (144°)

These aspects are said to have something to do with individual style and quality of creative work. It is suggested that these aspects say something about a mental-creative process of imposing one’s mind on a particular subject. It is also linked to talent and gifts the individual would possess that have not been actively learned. Basically, it seems to be indicative of the particular way a person would approach a subject. For example, the quintile would not describe the activity itself - the activity could be painting, knitting, running, cleaning or whatever – the quintile/bi-quintile would point to the way the person approaches the activity.

For example, Ted Bundy (whose chart I’ve explored a bit here), has Neptune bi-quintile the MC. Neptune, being the planet of illusion hints to Bundy’s quality of being a chameleon, deceiving the public as part of his personal style.

Prince Harry, (whose chart I’ve touched upon before), has his Moon bi-quintile Neptune. The Moon can be indicative of the mother figure, and his mother Princess Diana certainly had an elusive style and charm that was a bit deceptive and seductive. Of course, he would have the same thing going in his own life but it would perhaps be difficult for us to spot. He also has Moon quintile Venus and he definitely has a style/quality of emotional-physical comfort. He has Pluto quintile the AC, which would point to a style of showing up in the world that is powerful and intense. He has a tendency to come off as destructive and chaotic at times. There’s also a quintile aspect forming between Mercury in the 8th house and the MC which would hint to a public image that is colored by the “taboo” things he has said about his family in the recent present, but also in the past. He’s a public image that is aligning with the style of the playful amoral trickster.

As I’m going with charts I’ve already explored, let’s look at the quintiles in Meghan Markle’s chart. Her Venus is quintile Uranus and it perfectly describes her style of “wokeism”, that is, appearing to be objective and intelligent about feelings and affective values. She has a style of being “the loving humanitarian”. Whether she is this way in an actual sense is debatable. The quintile aspect is describing the quality and style not the actuality. But, it is disturbingly close to reality that it somehow becomes reality. It’s like the actor who adopts another energy signature in order to portray a different person. It doesn’t really matter if a person is rotten at the core - if he has a loving way of being, what difference does it make? The style is real enough to not reflect and give the impression of love.

Semi-square (45°) / Sesquiquadrate (135°)

These aspects are said to precipitate events. The nature of these two aspects is more immediate than the square aspect (which causes tension and doubt and needs constant navigation). The conflict represented is usually unconscious and is therefore not easy to identify. However, as these conflicts tend to manifest quite abruptly, we can take a look at the concrete problems the person faces. The planets connected by a semi-square/sesquiquadrate aspect will be in conflict but force some kind of release (that may result in an accident because of it’s autonomous/unconscious function).

I have Saturn sesquiquadrate my Moon. Since I tend to unconsciously block my emotional responses, the pressure builds and I am “forced” to get out of a situation, “forced to listen to my emotions”. I have encountered the theory that the sesquiquadrate in particular is manifesting as something that is looked down upon societally. This would make sense considering the aspect forces a breakout of one of the planets and nothing that is immediate and abrupt is ever favorably looked upon when it comes to social-societal structure and predictability. I have been meaning to take on commitments that would further my status in society in terms of formal education (Saturn in the 9th conjunct the MC) but I have not been able to do it without considerable decline in my emotional well-being. So, I have been “thrown out” by unconscious forces every time I’ve tried.

My sister has her Venus sesquiquadrate Saturn. She’s known for her deliberate and strategic way of dressing. She plans her outfits carefully, there’s nothing haphazard about the way she presents herself. However, she has Lilith conjunct Venus so she can push the limits and simply do what she pleases sometimes as well when the pressure of Saturn becomes too much. But, this often causes external judgment. A relative of mine has her Sun semi-square Venus. I can tell that she’s highly aware of her appearance. She is very pretty but there’s always something that is a bit off between what she wears and her self-expression. It’s like it doesn’t quite fit and it’s irritating.

To get back to the celebrities, Meghan Markle has Neptune sesquiquadrate Mercury. Is it possible that this forces distortion and vagueness in opinion and communication? It would certainly fit the bill. She also has Uranus sesquiquadrate Mars. She simply has to “break out of her confining situations”, cut people out of her life and move on in her own way. Uranus is also sesquiquadrate her MC, which seems to point to her unconscious pull to “do what she wants to do” at the detriment of her public image and reputation. Notably, Uranus sits in her 5th house of personal enjoyment and creation.

Prince Harry has a semi-square between Mars and Pluto. When he is angry it blossoms into rage and he can’t see straight. It has gotten him into quite a lot of trouble and societal-social disapproval. It seems that this is a common theme with the sesquiquadrate and semi-square. He also has his Moon sesquiquadrate Jupiter. Isn’t it the case that he tends to indulge in a way that makes him look bad in society?

Quincunx (150°)

This aspect is typically found between planets incompatible by element and mode. Basically, they have nothing in common and have a hard time cooperating, which will cause minor stress in the individual because of necessity to work around the incompatibilities. The planets are not in direct conflict but they are uncomfortable with each other.

For example, I have my Moon quincunx Mercury. Every time I sit down to write I’m mildly disturbed by little things like an aching back, a headache, restless legs or whatever. It’s not very comfortable for me but I can still keep with it, however it might take a toll on me health wise. The quincunx has been related to health issues because of the mild stress that it causes. It is manageable and one is usually able to cope with the stress, but it’s not very pleasant. Because it is not as demanding as more disturbing conflicts in one’s life, it’s in the background causing irritation.

Meghan Markle’s Venus makes a quincunx aspect to her MC. This suggests that she has a hard time reflecting her value on a public level, it’s as if how she’s perceived publicly disturbs her sense of ease and comfort. She has an Aries MC with a Virgo Venus and she’s continuously depicted as a bully these days, as some kind a selfish and aggressive bitch (the more negative attributes of Aries). This must be undermining her self-worth immensely, however, it’s perhaps too minor of a problem to do anything about. It is still there nonetheless, harping on in the background, breaking her down and causing slow disintegration…

Semi-sextile (30°)

Planets forming semi-sextile aspects are said to be able to aid each other, to have a better connection than if they had no link at all. Usually one planet is in the sign that comes before the sign of the other; in other words, a semi-sextile might be forming between Mars in Aries and Venus in Taurus. The semi-sextile usually connects consecutive sign like this, but planets could be in semi-sextile in the same sign, like Mars in 0° Taurus semi-sextile Venus in 30° Taurus. In any case, the planet placed at an earlier degree or in the earlier sign can draw on qualities of the planet in the later degree or the later sign and vice versa. For example, Prince Harry’s Venus in Libra is semi-sextile his MC. He can draw on his sense of harmony a diplomacy to benefit his public image. His Mars in Sagittarius is also semi-sextile his MC, which makes it so that he can draw from his Martial qualities of energy and action to influence his career and success.

Parallel/Contra-parallel

These are called aspects in declination because they are measured by latitude and not by longitude. This essentially means that two planetary bodies can aspect each other in a certain way measuring the distance between them north-south of the celestial equator. Two planets at the same degree north and south of the equator form a parallel aspect and can be interpreted the same as a conjunction (some say that it's more obscure like a quincunx/semi-square). Two planets opposite each other north and south form a contra-parallel aspect and can be interpreted as an opposition (some say that it's basically the same as the parallel though).

I have found, looking at my own chart that these aspects only confirms already existing aspects measured by longitude or it confirms the sign that a specific angle is in. For example, my MC is in Aries and it is also parallel Mars. Mars is the ruler of Aries so it emphasizes my already martial MC. My Sun is conjunct Saturn and it’s also parallel Saturn. My sister has a Scorpio MC and it’s also parallel Pluto, the natural ruler of Scorpio. For example, my sister has a wide Moon-Mars conjunction (6°) but they are also in contra-parallel. How is this supposed to be interpreted? I would simply see it as Moon-Mars is connected strongly despite the orb being a little wide with the conjunction.

However, it’s not always the case that parallel and contra-parallel aspects only confirms already existing influences. They can also add themes and connections. My sister doesn’t have any longitude aspects between Saturn and Uranus but they are contra-parallel to each other.

Septile (51.43° - a 1/7 of the 360°)

It is said to indicate a hidden flow of energy between the planets involved, an inner sensitivity to the spiritual dimension of the planets. Another description I have come across is that the planets “darkly interact” and there’s an occult theme surrounding the connection.

I have Venus septile Jupiter in my own chart. Going by the said method of interpretation, it would mean that I have sensitivity to the hidden wealth and underlying beauty and abundance in life. I think it is quite accurate.

Novile (40° - 1/9 of the 360°)

Is said to be describing a contact of perfection/idealization. It also seems to have something to do with spiritual awakening and growth, lack of fear and freedom.

Having Sun novile Saturn for example could be interpreted as a feeling of communion with the world and life itself through responsibility and the control one can exercise through self-expression.

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There are of course other minor aspects to explore, but I'll stop here for now.