#i am seriously considering going on meds

[welcometohighwater]

i’ve gotta get some new ways of ruining my life. things are getting boring

[5-htagonist]

ADHD TIPS: FOR THE NONMEDICATED AND THE MEDICATED

obviously, ADHD is not the same for everyone who has it. if you dont have ADHD, or aren't sure, but experience issues with executive function, memory, impulsivity, and emotional regulation, these tips can still be helpful!!!

practice radical self forgiveness

keep a notebook/journal

give your items a home

keep baskets, boxes, and bins, especially clear/mesh or anything that lets you see whats in it.

buy fruits/veggies/anything that spoils super quick the day youre going to use it

keep a list of easy meals

keep a trash receptacle in Every room

when you notice something dirty piling up, clean for just 5 minutes

do NOT worry about completing necessary chores. just do a little

if you need it frequently, keep it in sight, but off the floor if you can.

check under your bed, couch, or other corners where stuff can pile up when you get that random energy spike.

take a multivitamin, and cut down on soda (or other highly sugary food/beverages) if youre able. seriously!

specifically for the medicated!

take your meds, go to bed, and wake up at around the same time every day.

being vitamin deficient can make your medicine less effective. magnesium, B vitamins, omega 3s, and vitamin D might help. if you dont eat a lot of fruits, veggies, and fish, you are likely deficient in these at least.

stay. hydrated. For the love of god

try things you had trouble doing before medication

dont expect medicine to fix you

dont blame medicine for all of your improvement

no 2 people are the same, and what works for me might not work for you. i am likely on the spectrum, and i wasnt medicated at all for my ADHD until i was 17, and i wasnt on the right medicine until i was 21. i would recommend keeping that in mind while considering my tips!!

i will elaborate on these tips under the cut!

practice radical self forgiveness

i think this is the most important of all of these tips, which is why i put it first. i know its easy to look down on ourselves for our disability. but you must acknowledge this: you are disabled. you have a disability. you cannot hold yourself to the "normal" standard. more than likely, you grew up in an environment that didnt teach you how to navigate the world as you are, either. thats okay! we must teach ourselves.

try to view yourself as both the teacher/parent, and the child. when you forget something important, or make a careless mistake, or give into impulses, or say youll do it later and dont, or go too long without a bath, or let the trash pile up, you have to be kind to yourself. the child within you needs it. these things simply dont come naturally to us.

you must apologize to yourself as the child: im sorry i didnt pick up the trash. i know it makes the place dirty, and overwhelming. i will do my best to improve. i love you. you must forgive yourself as the parent: its okay, pumpkin. i forgive you. i know you didnt mean to make me overwhelmed, or to invite dirt into the home. i will help you improve. i love you. you also must do the reverse, apologize as the parent: im sorry, child. i did not teach you how to know you should pick up the trash. i did not teach you to recognize dirt. i will do better, and i will help you as best i can. i love you. forgive as the child: i forgive you. i know you are doing your best to lead me, and teach me what you know. you werent taught to pick up and see dirt either, were you? as long as you support and love me, we can figure it out together. i love you.

i know, to think this way can feel infantilizing sometimes. and its much harder to teach ourselves these habits. if its available, its okay to ask for help. just dont be too hard on yourself when your disability impairs your ability to be "normal." our habits die harder than most. even if you forget to maintain a habit, just do it when you remember.

2. keep a notebook/journal

i know, i know... every ADHDer HATES this tip. but it seriously works. dont hold yourself to a rigid standard when using it. i prefer dot grid journals, so i can write notes, or sketch, or make lists, or otherwise neatly divide pages how i wish, rather than it being blank/horizontally lined.

i dont keep a to do list all the time, i dont journal every day, i dont even look at the thing every day. there is no right way to use your journal. i use mine for many things at once: if i forget a notebook for class, or my laptop dies, i put my class notes in there. i put random doodles, layouts, oc pages, Big Feelings, and weekly/daily plans/to do lists. i dont obsessively keep up with it, or update it every day.

i DO use it when i feel overwhelmed. if i feel like 50 different things need to be done in 3 different domains and i dont know where to start, i write them down as i think of them. here is my typical order of operations (it took me a while to figure this out. i struggle deeply with prioritization.)

first, i write everything down i can think of that that moment. second, i label them necessary, important, and least important. third, i label how long they take (most time, some time, least time) finally, i start with the most important one that is the least overwhelming

now, i dont have an easy time labeling importance and time taken, of course. that can be the hardest part. but i dont worry so much about accuracy of my labels. i havent got it all down because i will almost always prioritize schoolwork over housework and hygiene, but we cant be perfect. the MOST important thing is always your health and safety.

dont worry about finishing a todo list, either. the most important thing is getting stuff you can forget on paper where you can look back at it when youre overwhelmed. you should keep your journal somewhere you access frequently or can see it.

also, the journal helps with big feelings. if youre feeling that white hot anger, the itching impulsivity, or rejection sensitivity, or anything that makes you think "i cant do this," start jotting words or pictures down. it can be anything. this will help when you feel that feeling the next time. we often get stuck in loops because we dont remember what caused a feeling or conflict, so we make the same mistakes. when you write it down, you can take your own word for it when you make a mistake. this makes it easier to recognize when youre falling into a pattern, and makes it easier to change your response.

3. give your items a home

if you arent constantly using something, or go more than a day without using it, send it home. an objects home is just somewhere it comes back to when its not needed, so that it isnt taking up space where it isnt needed. things like snacks, laundry (clean and dirty), art/craft/hobby materials, coats, electronics, plushies, anything. personify your stuff just a little bit- if you cant use it anymore, it cant find a home with you-- you have to send it on trash vacation. your coat wants to go home! pick it up and take it there when you can. its okay if that home isnt permanent, or if you lack materials/money to create a proper home. our coatrack is a chair right now, which is a much comfier home than the floor.

4. keep baskets, boxes, and bins, especially ones that are see through/visible

this helps you give your items a home. if you buy storage, get something stackable too, but even a cardboard box works. keep like objects together! and keep them near what theyre used for.

5. buy fruits/veggies/anything that spoils quickly the day youre going to use it

its sooo tempting to try to eat healthy and save money by stocking your fridge full of healthy produce and raw meat, but unfortunately i know how much money we waste forgetting/not having the energy to use them. if you need a fresh fruit, veggie, or meat, for something you are definitely planning on cooking, buy it the day of. if you have something in your fridge you dont think youre going to use before it rots or molds, stick it in the freezer!!!

also, frozen and canned fruits, veggies, and meats are just as good as fresh. they stay good for so long you dont have to worry about it going bad.

6. keep a list of easy meals

things that you can get down your gullet easily, and prepare easily. 1 pan meals, sandwiches, hotdogs, hot pockets, instant oatmeal, canned meals. i typically keep instant oatmeal and those tuna creations packets, as well as club/ritz crackers. also, skillet meals like velveeta skillets and hamburger helper are awesome, just keep some frozen ground beef (or meat of your choice) and youre good to go!

also, eggs last for MUCHHHH longer than the sell by date. i have had eggs 3 months past the date (note im american so they are under refrigeration) that were still good, but obviously that long past the date you should do a sniff test after breaking an egg. eggs are awesome in terms of ease of prep. heat your pan up to temp before cooking and they wont stick so bad. use cheese or milk to make a desirable texture for scrambled eggs or omlettes. dont forget salt and pepper (necessary...) you can also stir an egg and peanut butter into instant ramen for some actual nutrition. i also keep onion powder, paprika, and cayenne for yummy eggs.

in the egg vein, french toast is extremely easy and filling, and will sate a sweet tooth with some syrup!

7. keep a trash receptacle in every room

it doesnt have to be big, but having a designated trash spot in your bedroom is super helpful

8. when you notice something dirty piling up, clean for just 5 minutes

you dont have to clean to completion, thats overwhelming!!! but when you see something gross or messy and it bothers you, just take a couple minutes and pick up a little. play a song and tidy until the end of it! cleaning isnt all or nothing!

9. do not worry about completing chores, just do a little

in the same vein as the last one, the most important thing is getting the ball rolling. cleaning can be really hard because of the overwhelm of how bad it is. you can make it less bad a little at a time!

something ill do is sort out and scrape off the dishes before even thinking about doing them. that way, they take up less space and it doesnt look quite as bad. then next time i come to them, i do a bit more. or ill pick up the dirty laundry off the floor, then ill put it next to the washing machine, then ill wash/dry. i dont worry about folding and putting away unless im up for it-- its more important that theyre clean at all.

10. if you need it frequently, keep it in sight, but off the floor if you can.

remember, the floor is the stuff killer! if it must be on the floor, designate a spot.

11. check under the bed, couch, chairs, and piles if you have a random energy spike

i have found so much stuff i didnt even realize i lost. this also prevents pests and the accumulation of dirt.

12. take a multivitamin and cut down on soda (or other highly sugary foods) if youre able. seriously!

in high school i tried eating low-carb for a while. i didnt maintain this diet, but what i did maintain was not drinking soda regularly. when i say my head cleared and i felt less groggy, i mean it. if youre in the position, pay attention to the amount of sugars in what you eat and drink.

i know the "eat well" advice is given out too much, but nutrition seriously matters. if you care to work on your nutrition, do not worry about fat, carbs, or anything like that. just cut down on how often you eat highly sugary foods. you will feel so much better just from that. i have a sody pop as a treat every now and then and i have a whole other appreciation for it :-)

for the medicated:

take your meds, wake up, and go to bed around the same time

your body works on a schedule whether you want it to or not. pay attention to this schedule and try to work with it. when do you usually get tired? when do you prefer to wake up? when do you usually use the bathroom? this goes for nonmedicated people, too. your body will thank you!

2. vitamin deficiency can make medicine less effective. magnesium, B vitamins, vitamin D, and omega 3s can help.

these vitamins are all harmless, except for magnesium, which can slow your heart rate and cause shallow breathing IN HIGH DOSES. luckily, stimulants tend to deplete vitamins/electrolytes like magnesium, which can cause twitches and spasms. dont get large doses of these, 100% daily value is just fine.

3. for the love of god stay hydrated

imagine you are a machine and water is lubricant. stimulants suck up this lubricant to make you run more effectively. however, without extra, the machine will still run like shit. try to drink a whole glass with your medicine, and keep a cup to fill thru the day.

4. try things you had trouble with before medication

its super easy to get discouraged from something when you feel like a failure! try it again now! it may be easier. be sure to give yourself praise for what you do! your effort, your success, anything! this will teach your brain to see stuff through and help you feel and be more competent!

5. dont expect medicine to fix you

adderall, vyvanse, ritalin, none of these are a pill to fix you. they give you the capacity to work on yourself. dopamine is the "go get it" chemical. typically, ours is low and irregular, so we dont feel the drive to "go get it" when we need to, and we dont feel enough of a drive to see something through until we "get it." you still have to put in a lot of effort to fix habits and do work, medicine makes it so its easier. for me, it also reduces Noise in my head, so i can focus better. i still have to put effort into everything, its just less painful.

6. dont blame medicine for all of your improvement

again, medicine gives you capacity. YOU still do it all! its all you!!!!!! :D

thank u for reading i hope these are helpful! i feel like adhd tips are veryyy all or nothing and never explain WHY they may help, so i hope my explanations are helpful!

[skellish]

Please help a disabled (seeking disability) trans woman keep her apartment!

Hi everyone, my name is Delia, I’m a 25 year old trans woman with several disabilities, such as ADHD, possible autism, BPD, depression, anxiety, CPTSD, chronic fatigue, et cetera. I need real help in order to keep the apartment that I fought so hard to get. I am seeking disability right now, but it is going extremely slowly and I don’t know when I’ll see any help from the government. Let me explain a bit of my situation.

Medicine has never really worked for me, and I recently decided I needed to come off wellbutrin because it was making my anxiety a lot worse, as well as depleting my ability to really feel anything at all, so my doctor recommended I stop and try a new med. I can’t afford to go to the doctor very often so I stopped the medicine a month ago and am going back in September to try something different that will hopefully help.

Essentially, I live in income based apartments and lately, my disabilities have been either preventing or seriously hindering me from getting to my job. I used to work basically full time at my deli job and it became too much due to me being burnt out for like the last 5 years, so I had to cut down. I work three days a week now, and it’s already becoming too much again because of said perpetual burn out and medication withdrawal. I have either been missing work entirely or been late every single day, and they haven’t fired me yet but I fear the worst is coming soon.

Right now, my rent is $372, my water bill is already behind, power bill still needs paying, and I only have ≈$100 in my bank account right now. I am planning to yard sale both this Friday and Saturday, and next, and get some more cash before it is due, which is on the 10th of August. On the 10th, they will serve me an eviction notice to get out by the 20th unless I can get the money.

I am asking here if anyone could spare anything, any amount is immensely appreciated. I have been on my own for a few years now with little to no support, and I've always despised needing or asking for it, but the fact of the matter though is that this is my last Hail Mary to save my sinking ship, and I'm desperate.

I know most folks here are also struggling though, and I hate to make this post, but I am kind of at my wits end in regards to keeping this apartment. This has been my first somewhat stable home in pretty much my whole life and I'm terrified of being forced to move yet again. If I can just get this month’s rent paid, I will be able to find a new, more tolerable job in the meantime while I am seeking disability benefits, and then hopefully keep the ball rolling.

Any amount will help, I am honestly begging and I will appreciate anything anyone can spare, be it a donation or a share.

Update 8-12-24: so we have made some good progress here and I am thankful. Sadly some unforseen expenses had come out, so not exactly where I'd like it, but it is coming along. I've just got 8 ish days left to come up with the rest though, so. I am considering selling my Playstation, and that was unconscionable previously, so things are fairly dire.

V3nm0: @Skellish

C@sh@pp: $Skellish69

Goal: $372

Current: $110 / updated: $190, (still need $182)

[ladylucksrogue]

I don't write a lot if these kinds of posts but I had a bit of a health scare this past week. I'll preface and say that I'm doing better.

Maybe this will help someone recognize symptoms a bit better than I did, because it really could have gone horribly wrong.

I have several medical issues, including an autoimmune condition called SLE (systemic lupus erythematosus) which I've had for a long time and is well managed. I also used to work in the medical field, and know my body fairly well. As with many people that have lupus, I unfortunately am a bit jaded with certain symptoms because it's always, is it just your lupus or is it something you should go to the doctor for? Because honestly, I've gone to the doctor so often only to hear, yup, lupus.

That being said, my meds make me susceptible to catching every little thing that goes around.

So when I woke up with a stomach ache, I was just like great, a stomach bug. It kept getting worse. Knew it wasn't appendicitis because it was literally my stomach cramping.

It got so bad that I was like I have to go to the hospital because it was literally radiating to my back and I couldn't stand up straight.

It wasn't until I was at the hospital, where they at first assumed it was the stomach flu, that I mentioned the pain in my back too, where they took me seriously. Thought it was my gall bladder (mine was removed). And then mentioned pancreatitis.

I mean I know of it. But I've never seen a case except in a dog. Never thought about it. So blood tests, ultrasound, other tests ensued.

Of course me on google, researching. And then the 40 percent mortality rate in combination with lupus jumped out at me. It's been a rare thing where I've ever been confronted with something so serious. My labs looked too good, Ive had that happen so often in my life. My labs are good till they aren't. I was sent home, with pain meds, waiting on other labs. I finally got clearance yesterday. It's not pancreatitis. I have blood and protein in my urine, nothing new, and although a kidney infection sounds scary it's familiar territory. Still not sure why my stomach was affected. No one knows, mysteries of life.

Everyone knows certain symptoms, like if your right side hurts, could be appendicitis. Medical emergency.

No one talks about pancreatitis though, the symptoms or that it can be literally life threatening too. So consider this my little PSA. I might not have actually had this, but the scare is enough for a lifetime.

Take care out there everyone and stay healthy.

[vaspider]

To be fair I may be wrong considering how biases in med science leads to correlative data, but from what I have seen, being overweight leads to health issues? I remember being back in high school being taught that having more fat equated to heart strain, since more blood needed to be moved throughout the body within the same time frame than for a person of expected weight

And more recently when I went looking for research papers on being overweight and the associated heart issues (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6179812/#:~:text=The%20increased%20cardiac%20output%20in,an%20increase%20in%20stroke%20volume.)

From your post, yea definitely fat phobia in medical spaces is a horrifying thing, and probably led to many of these ‘get fat and you’ll have this health condition’ ideas circulating

Though I was curious if you think being fat within a certain ‘range’ has no negative health impacts? (Genuinely contused and curious)

Seriously, I'm not going to get into this discourse or provide you with an exhaustive explanation of how medical bias affects research and the interpretation of results when so many people out there have already done the work, and I linked to books you can read and pointed towards a podcast you can listen to already.

But, since you ignored those things and came into my inbox 'just asking questions,' you can start here:

Or maybe you can look at @fatphobiabusters or @fatliberation, or @fatsexybitch, who have already done a lot of work on this.

I am genuinely not interested in this conversation.

[sleepi-toasti]

𝕀𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕕𝕦𝕔𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟 ℙ𝕠𝕤𝕥 ‼️

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yes i jus changed my whole blog appearance for like no reason whatsoever :3

I AM sleepi-toasti, my imgflip friends call me toasti, and my tumblr friends call me sleepi

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Gender: Female

Pronouns: She/They

Sexuality: Aroace

Fav colors: periwinkle, indigo, marigold orange, and black

Birthday: October 9th

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Fandoms/Interests (bc I am a silly multifandom :3):

(i fixate the most over the ones highlighted in purple and the ones w the star is the ones i post abt ^^)

Gacha life/Gacha club/Gacha life 2 ★

Madagascar ★

Mouthwashing

Twenty one pilots (bc they're my favorite band teehee)

Sonic

Murder Drones

TADC

Harold and the Purple Crayon (kinda idk)

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GL2 OC Codes

*(will be added soon)*

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I mainly post abt my hyperfixation with Madagascar, my gacha ocs, and random capcut memes no one cares about lol

Alt blog: https://www.tumblr.com/sleepi-toasti-version2

I am also on imgflip:

Link: https://imgflip.com/user/sleepi_toasti

YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL ✨✨✨✨✨

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my special tags are

toasti answers: me answering questions

toasti found a cool challenge and reblogged it: specifically for gacha challenges

toasti joined a tag game: when i join those tag games i love sm

toasti rambles: me doing randomess teehee

toasti rambles abt madagascar: yk 😼

toasti rambles about fandoms: other fandoms I'll yap abt

toasti rambles but seriously: serious posts or maybe even vents

toasti's ocs: my gacha ocs and other ocs

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MADAGASCAR AU LIST:

Villain AU

Gods and Goddesses AU

The Happiest Video Game on Earth [HVGOE] AU

New York Drones AU (the zoosters are disassembly drones and the rest of the characters are worker drones!; all of the animals are drones how they became drones idk they just are drones; the zoosters learn to not kill the other characters; considering if penguins have the solver or if mort does bc in ahkj lore he is like god; no none of the md lore is in this au, the animals are just drones :3)

Office AU

Madagascar 4

If Molly was Alive AU

Oneshots

Soulmate colors AU

Red string of fate AU

Zoochosis AU (wip)

The Carnival of Extreme Values AU

Singer-songwriter AU

Weirdcore AU

Star Melman AU (in this au, melman is the famous one instead of alex)

Original Gloria Concept AU (she was originally gonna be pregnant in the first movie but w this au i just GAVE HER a daughter (no the kid is not a melria fan child, ellie has a hippo dad but he died))

Original Gloria Concept AU × Star Melman AU (these two go so well together idk why- just the mom, the daughter, and the father figure they adopted who really doesn't have time for any of this but secretly enjoys their company)

Hippo Siblings AU (gloria and moto moto are siblings; melria and melmoto au)

Thieves AU

Genderbend AU

Humanized AU

Dragging Dolls AU (dark af (melman's dead but he's... not? and gloria sees him being alive and she tried to convince her friends but they still think he's dead) (and it's called dragging dolls bc gloria is still traumatized and is DRAGGING melman's dead body around) (and dw he does come back but melman and gloria stay friends despite their love for each other (melman's dead so a relationship isn't an option😭) )

Herbivores are Carnivores & Carnivores are Herbivores (HACCAH) AU

The zoosters all died in some way lmao AU

Goth/Emo Melman AU (everything is the exact same except melman is EMOOOO)

TØP AU (melman is a clikkie hehehe; assume the zoosters are anthropomorphic and wear clothes like the animals in sing)

Enemies to Lovers AU (everything is the exact same except melman and gloria hate each other :3)

What Is There To Live For [WITTLF] AU (just a bunch of angst - i don't fool w this one as much as i used to)

High school AU

Swap AU

Predator and Prey AU (my first au!; based off a potential fanfic of mine; marlex au)

Medical AU (YOOOOOO the zoosters went to med school AND NOW THEY'RE ALL DOCTORS YEAHHHHH)

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also uh have my old pfps

and my old banners

i think it was this image idk i have two or three versions of this exact frame 😭

this one fr only lasted two days lmao

[submalevolentgrace]

Hi! I hope you're doing well :) please don't stop talking about how prosthesis limbs suck and your experience with them! I'm in medical school right now, and I thought it was amazing to read because it highlights 1. how doctors need to listen to their patients 2. Wow doctors kind of suck and patients should be able to advocate for themselves, and if they can't do that, someone should! And 3. Patients shouldn't be pressured into doing things they don't want to do. For me personally, I kind of already had those ideas, but your posts really put it into perspective and just emphasized them and I'm really appreciative of that :) last thing (promise) I was wondering if you've seen/read Dororo! One of the main characters (Hyakkimaru) spends the majority (like 90%) without arms, instead having sword attachments that are covered with fake arms. I was wondering if you had seen it/him and had any thoughts. If not, it might be something to check out! Thank you again :D

so i showed this ask to my girlfriend, who knows me (and my trauma) very well, and she said: "I would recommend NOT googling that character, that's for sure. this is almost the exact worst kind of thing someone could mention you check out! I wont go into detail but it's also the exact example of taking a disabled person and "fixing" them back to normal that you were talking about."

so, you're already off to a bad start i'm afraid.

listen. if you have any scraps of empathy and compassion and belief in patients' autonomy left, hold onto them, guard them, and fortify them against the education you're going through. med school will try to crush any compassion and empathy you had out of you. residency will grind your humanity for your patients down to nothing, you will be encouraged to stop seeing them as people, and your colleagues will train you to believe that you are right and know what's best, and patients are wrong and lie and are a danger to themselves. you will be taught that patients advocating for themselves rather than blindly listening is an annoying interruption to you trying to save them, or maybe even proof that they are a risk to themselves and cannot be trusted. you will be exhausted and frustrated and angry, and you will be faced with a patient who rightly believes what's best for themselves is something you believe is harmful to them. will you have enough compassion, empathy, and belief in patients' autonomy left to respect them as a human being, as a person?

you have to understand where i am coming from. i have a serious condition that's been misdiagnosed twice, forced onto treatments i didn't want, and denied treatment that would help me because of my "attitude", and once a diagnosis is on the records no doctor will consider any other possibility, so i have suffered without care for years on end. i have been sexually assaulted by doctors in their treatment rooms, and then told that's impossible BECAUSE they are a doctor, and doctors are good.

i have had surgery performed on me against my consent. this is not uncommon for disabled people. it was not necessary to save my life. i advocated, i begged, and i was denied the right to consent. it was an unneeded major surgery that harmed me, physically and psychologically, that i will never recover from.

but why would they do this, you must be asking? i must be omitting detail that makes it make sense, you are probably thinking. already thinking like a doctor, shaped by those beliefs. they MUST have been trying to help me in some way with that surgery, right? i must be lying about it, right?

my great crime there is that i was comfortable being disabled. i was at peace with loss of limb, a limb that was already failing me, already useless. i was prepared to be physically, seriously disabled, and they could not comprehend that, could not accept that. in the eyes of a doctor, losing a limb makes someone broken; disability is the enemy, and it must be fought at all cost, the patient must be FIXED at all costs, even if they don't want it. and doctors will go to extreme lengths to make that happen, patient be damned. that's a doctor's idea of compassion: patients must be fixed, even if it harms them.

to me, and most disabled folks i've ever spoken to, doctors are basically like cops; a dangerous threatening force of harm, but that you have to perform correct behavior and respect around in order to stay safe. but where cops are legally blessed to kidnap and murder you, doctors are legally blessed to kidnap and torture you, to invade and change your body in the most intimate ways, and they will tell you, themselves, and each other that they do it for your own good.

so, have i bruised your ego? are you feeling attacked, defensive, accused of being in a cohort of monsters, certain that you could never be like that, that you're one of the good ones? you're already in med school, you're already someone with the qualities to self select for it and the privilege and abledness to make it in, you already have that baggage to try and counter if you want to empathise with your patients. how much pressure has there been from your family and peers to do it, how much praise have you gotten, how much has that fed your ego, your sense of being better than others? better able to help others? better qualified to know what's best for others? i hope that you do genuinely have compassion, and empathy, and belief in patients' autonomy in you, and it's not just hollow words you tell yourself are values.

i hope you have that compassion, and can act on that belief in autonomy. because it's not just about a prostheses one can take off and throw away. if you make it through the grinder and become a doctor, one day you will be faced with a patient that says "i would rather be permanently broken in a way that you find unacceptable, than put up with the treatment you want me to have", and you will believe, with your full heart and mind and vast knowledge of medicine, you will KNOW in yourself that they are wrong.

are you willing to accept that YOU are wrong, and they are actually right? are you willing to deem them worthy of autonomy? or will you prep them for surgery to fix them, as they are begging you not to?

[ryuichirou]

if you want to, could you share your headcanons for the twst omegas in heat? like i can see riddle getting frustrated/flustered because he keeps forgetting rules…including the one that says if he’s in head he can just relax trey pls help him

Like I said in another ABO-related hc post, it’s incredible how much I end up yapping about it considering that that at the beginning I always think that I have nothing to say about omegaverse-related things lol

Sorry for the wait, Anon! And thank you for this ask, it was interesting to think about all of the boys… As always, starting with Riddle, and I actually agree with everything you’ve said about him!

Riddle – his first estrus is going to hit him like a truck. He’ll absolutely get flustered, start forgetting rules, feel dizzy; overall he’d seriously underestimate just how bad it’s going to be. Maybe it’s because he is a late bloomer… He is very snappy whenever he is in heat, not only because of how shitty he feels, but also because he is embarrassed to be in this state. Riddle knows that he is allowed to take it easy when he’s in heat, but he doesn’t want to! Trey tries to take care of him, but never really oversteps , even though he knows that getting laid would help Riddle a lot… he should really hurry and make up his mind though, because if he isn’t, a certain huge-ass fish is going to scratch the Goldfishie’s itch and drown him in eel juices~

Deuce – oh he hates being in heat, and he is a bit traumatised by it because of that one time he didn’t take his meds when he was a delinquent and almost got in trouble. Now he takes them every single time, but they don’t help him as much as he would like them to; maybe it’s because his body built up tolerance, maybe it’s because he takes the cheapest widely available meds. He should talk to other omegas, but he is too embarrassed, so he just tries to combat it silently… He is also sure that people don’t know that he is an omega, but everyone around him knows. His Heartslabyul senpais know. Jack knows (and it’s a bit difficult for him to run near Deuce when he’s in heat, so he runs faster lol). Even Ace knows… but doesn’t address it because he’s waiting for Deuce to do it. But it’s a very hard thing to do, when your closest friend starts smelling so deliciously every month, being active, sweating and smelling even more. They’re 100% going to have sex before they have an actual conversation about them being an alpha and an omega.

Leona – “don’t touch me I am in foul mood” type of estrus. Well, actually, he has very good medications that were tailored to his personal health and needs specifically, so it shouldn’t be a problem for him, but he still gets lazy and moody. The fact that he is an omega is an open secret – people in Savanaclaw usually don’t assume that, but it’s not like it’s hidden from those who pay attention. Ruggie noticed that instantly and became Leona’s personal plaything since the first estrus that Ruggie was present for. It kind of happened on accident, but then became an agreement of sorts; so not every time Leona is in heat, Ruggie is always there to have sex with him and make him feel better. As long as he doesn’t claim him, it’s all allowed, and Leona prefers to calm himself with sex and not meds anyway.

Jamil – he is very careful when he is in heat: he tracks his cycle, he takes all the meds, he is extra careful about his hygiene and uses different types of deodorant, and he even avoids food that could affect his hormones in any way. In result, he is seemingly flawless, even his performance during his basketball practice doesn’t suffer when he is in heat; there is only a couple of people in the school who even know that Jamil is an omega. But this is because they don’t see how much he suffers at night, when the meds wear off and he has to bite his pillow and push his fingers deep inside to ease himself a little bit. He had to use snake whisper on someone once though because that random Scarabia student saw him doing just that, and Jamil erased his memory. Should’ve used him to have sex… But he just panickedbecause the guy saw him as he was suffocating himself with Kalim’s dirty shirt.

Vil – he completely conquered estrus lol He learned how to make the most perfect soothing potion that doesn’t make him sleepy, but keeps him calm, dulls his scent significantly and ALSO gives him some extra vitamins, calcium, collagen or something among the lines. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work for all omegas as perfectly as it works for him, so it’s not like he’s just gatekeeping it for himself. Still, he isn’t hidden as perfectly as Jamil is – those who have heightened sense of smell (like Rook or the Tweels or Jack) could still figure out that he is in heat, he just isn’t affected by it. Also, whenever he has time to relax and unwind, it becomes even more obvious that he is in heat because he has his clingy horny moments, “passive” moments when he just lies there and looks at his lover like he is waiting to get eaten. And when Vil finally gets fucked by him, he clings to an alpha’s dick as if his life depends on it. He enjoys indulging on his omega instincts much more than he cares to admit, to be honest… he tries to always be proper and think rationally, but a feral hungry beast (bitch..??) inside him jumps out sometimes.

Epel – he is damn lucky that his first estrus happened when he was already under Vil’s wing because he shares all the remedies and potions with Epel and even tries to be kinder to him when he suffers through his heat. That being said, during that estrus Epel threw a tantrum, got angry and refused Vil’s help because he really wasn’t ready to face the fact that he is an omega (the signs were there all this time, but Epel was in denial…). Did he end up lying on the floor of the Pomefiore’s hallway, whining and moaning in a puddle of his own slick, unable to stand up because of his shaky legs? Of course he did. And almost felt his uterus (of which existence he was unaware only an hour ago) jump out of him because there was an alpha nearby, and it was the first time Epel felt this mix of fear and strong desire: he didn’t care who it was, but he was very scared of him and still wanted that alpha to fuck him. Luckily, it was just Rook who came to pick Epel up~ And he was his usual comforting silly Rook self, but when he warned Epel that any other alpha could’ve easily taken advantage of him, Epel felt cold… but also a little disappointed, as if Rook just refused him. What the fuck was this feeling??

Idia – he is lucky because his estrus isn’t as strong, plus the Shrouds are pretty much a dynasty of omegas, so the meds they provide are pretty good. He still feels the tingles and dull pain, plus he gets a bit dizzy and sleepy, but he spends all his time in his room anyway, surrounding by comforting scents and Ortho who is completely unbothered by this whole ABO thing. Idia loves to talk about how Ortho is the perfect companion during his estrus because he isn’t going crazy because of his scent, he brings him everything that he needs; Ortho even massages Idia’s nape and stomach, which usually soothes him a lot, sometimes Idia even feels like purring when it happens. But sometimes Ortho pushes these spots in a way that stimulates Idia’s omega parts, so Idia gets hornier instead. He usually just asks Ortho to stop massaging him, awkwardly says that everything is okay and runs to the bathroom, but Ortho knows that Idia can’t run from it forever: he has to stimulate his body and ejaculate from time to time! Also, when Idia actually touches himself (very rarely), sometimes he starts thinking if Crimson Muscle is an alpha… he probably is, right? But Idia shouldn’t think about it, this is just pointless…

Silver – at first it seems like he doesn’t care about being in heat at all, but it’s because he is very well-trained and does everything for it not to bother him, but unfortunately his methods are a bit… “primitive”. A lot of it is just him pushing through his own arousal, pain and fatigue, plus some plant-based remedies he learned back when he used to live in the woods. The only more-or-less modern thing that he does is that he uses a buttplug (Lilia’s gift!), which sounds very counter-intuitive… and it absolutely is, but maybe due to it being a habit, it helps Silver to stay focused when he’s training + it seems to help to cover his scent a little bit. But whenever he pulls it out, it’s waterfalls of omega juice… it’s honestly a miracle that Sebek didn’t jump him yet, but when he learns how Silver is handling his body, he’ll get so mad that he’ll eat him alive lol But also Lilia rewards Silver generously for being a good boy after a couple of days of him suffering in heat, so it’s all good~

Malleus – his estrus hits him the hardest, it’s like the nature glitches with him: dragon fae don’t even produce offsprings all that often, but his body is still super demanding every other month. And it happens even before he is in heat: he loses appetite, gets a bit snappy, and then, when he is in heat, he starts hiding and wants to either be alone or be with his lover at all times. Lilia always asks him not to hide and just stay in his room because he doesn’t want to go looking for him, but somehow it always ends with Malleus telling Lilia that it shouldn’t be that difficult for him to find Malleus, since he knows the scent so well and all, and somehow it leads to them having sex. Lilia always tells himself that he should stop doing it, and that this is the last time he’s giving in and indulging both of them like this. Malleus should find himself an alpha, goddamnit!

[spwarkledogz]

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!

ABOUT ME

my name is miles/ellie/mimi! i'm 20 yrs old! this is my therian/otherkin/fictionkin specific sideblog!

i used to be @silly-catpup but i deactivated! i'm starting over here :3 i figured out a lot more things about my identity anyway, so!!

more in depth about me and boundaries under the cut to avoid a long post ..

im very queer and very not quiet about it. i'm a transmasc bigender lesbian girlboy. no, you do not need an explanation of my identity (unless you are really nice about it, of course!)

im a polytherian shapeshifter! my theriotypes are; sparkledog, snow leopard, and cat.

i am a physical therian! if that bothers you, block me forever. we are real and we are not going anywhere!!

me being a sparkledog really has nothing to do with a personal aesthetic that i have. im not necessarily a "scene kid" at all, im just a really colorful dog that looks like 2008 threw up all over it.

my theriotypes are mainly anthropomorphic, but don't always have to be.

i'll probably make a rentry relating to my fictotypes someday but today is not that day

i am low-med support autistic, physically disabled, and an AAC and mobility aid user!

BOUNDARIES

i dont tolerate bigotry of any kind. this includes people who are hateful to queer identities that they personally don't understand.

fatphobia dni, seriously!!!!! i am fat, and while i am happy with my body, that doesn't mean fatphobia cant hurt me. im extremely sensitive to the topic. eating is also a very VERY sensitive topic and i will not be making posts about my eating habits nor will i engage in convos about it (unless its a silly question like my favorite snack!)

mean and judgmental therians do NOT touch my blog im serious! i dont care that you find 12 year old tiktok therians annoying or that you think physical alterhumanity is fake! stay the fuck off my blog or i'll bite you!

minors are free to follow and interact with my posts but please stay out of my dms thanky!!!! (i also will not be mutuals w you or follow back)

shit i dont interact with because i do not care: syscourse, shipping discourse (pro vs anti shit), or any variants of those things!! keep that shit off my blog because i literally dont care about either of them (and dont consider me "neutral" on either of them because of that, either. im not neutral im just not involved.)

TAG SYSTEM

#✩🌈🐶 YAPPER ONLINE - regular posts, talking, etc

#✩🌈🐶 CRAFTS - stuff ive made

#✩🌈🐶 FOAMING - rant, vent, etc

#✩🌈🐶 MAIL - answering asks

#✩🌈🐶 NONNIE - anonymous asks

#✩🌈🐶 REDOG - reblogs

[loving-n0t-heyting]

If it’s not too personal, can I ask about your experience with antipsychotics and why they didn’t work for you? And general opinions? I was considering them really hard but I’m very wary and don’t want to take something that isn’t like. Worth stopping hallucinations. I guess.

Definitely. Somewhat tmi at parts, below the readmore

So i should say upfront that I am not psychotic and was not prescribed antipsychotics for psychosis, and the medications on reflection achieved basically nothing for me beyond their “side” effects; so I can’t speak directly to the comparative badness of hallucinations and antipsychotics (though there are many, many psychotic ppl you can easily find who will attest the cure is worse than the disease, and I have promised myself on the basis of my own experiences not to seek out medication even in the event I start undergoing serious hallucinations—it’s just that bad ime). This is the sort of thing that happens in psychiatry bc the entire discipline is half-submerged in the equivalent of bloodletting and humours-balancing

My own experience is principally with “extrapyramidal” symptoms: akathisia, dystonia, and a weird symptom I have not found attested in the literature that tended to co-occur with dystonia where I would desperately seek out circles in my field of vision. Akathisia was the worst of these (followed by the circle lust and then dystonia—tho they were all torture), and it went away after 6wk on lurasidone, but would start up again from 0 if I dropped the meds for more than a few days and then picked them back up. I experienced a brief respite from suicidality when I started the drug, which at the time I chalked up to efficacy, but looking back was more plausibly just akathisia painfully draining so much of my attention to itself I could not even contemplate suicide. Propranolol helped mitigate it, but only partially. You can find a lot of claims on the internet to the effect that akathisia is torture (the wiki article even includes citations for the claim it was used as such against political dissidents in the USSR), and they are right

The other two were also quite awful, developed only some time into my taking them, usually occurred together by the end, and persisted until I quit the drugs altogether; I am told from a nurse that inducing dystonia over the course of years is known to cause permanent neurological disability, which I was lucky to escape. My particular brand was “oculogyric crises” every 2-3 nights lasting ~5-7h, in which my eyes would roll painfully far back into my head virtually uncontrollably, taking a Herculean effort to move at all, at which time I would suffer from horrifying intrusive thoughts and lose my ability to speak clearly and without needless repetition. I could go into great detail about the circle lust, too, but suffice it to say it was miserable and incapacitating to the point that unlocking my phone became a struggle (too distracted by the circles in the numbers on the keypad to focus on entering the passcode)

At some points the drugs I used to treat these symptoms were almost as bad as the side effects themselves. Cogentin was the only one to really stop the dystonia, and even at a low dose it caused urinary retention that forced me to go to the ER to get a catheter installed so I could walk around for the next several days with a tube connecting my bladder thru my urethra to a bag of piss strapped to my leg. After that, I had to start relying on increasingly large doses of Benadryl to achieve a lower level of dystonia suppression; I did not reach the point of the drug’s notoriously bad trips, but I was running the risk

I was lucky enough to avoid the cognitive blunting also known to commonly affect antipsychotics druggies but that was dumb luck on my part, and they sound both nightmarish and fiendishly self-obscuring. Check out robnost’s category tag in the link

In conclusion, I would strongly urge you to seriously question whether the hallucinations are bad enough to be worth it, especially in light of the drugs’ tenuous levels of long term effectiveness . I think categorical denunciations of drugs are generally most likely to shut down thought one way or the other, but this comes as close as anything could for me I think. I would urge particular caution getting them prescribed by a professional embedded in a system capable of forcing compliance if at some point you abandon compliance of your own accord: involuntary confinement and drugging are very much realities for the psychotic and otherwise seriously mentally ill

Good luck, whatever path you decide on. I’m sorry the hallucinations are giving you trouble

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Happy Endometriosis Awareness Month. This is my story

Hi, I'm Nia and I have endometriosis. Probably. For the past several years I have been fighting to be believed by the healthcare system only to be told over and over again that there is nothing wrong with me. Despite the fact that I have all of the symptoms and that the 'whatever is wrong with me' has progressed in the past several years.

About a year and a half ago I went to the doctor for the first time about my debilitating pain where I was told that I was just overly anxious and my mental health was affecting my periods. I was given pain meds and sent on my way. After that it was a billion blood tests to see if it was a thyroid issue, hormonal imbalance, blood pressure, anemia, anything that could be tested was tested. Finally my doctor goes 'it's PCOS' and proceeded to list a bunch of symptoms that I did not have. Then I did not have it.

During this time I was given birth control medications. The first one, I was able to stay on for around a week before I rushed back to the doctor to change it because it was affecting me so badly. The second prescription was great, for all of two weeks. Then I bled for the entirety of October and thought I was going to bleed to death. I became seriously anemic because of it. The third one is the one I've been on for 4 months now. I'm tired and sore 24/7 but hey, at least I'm not dying.

I have missed over 50 classes this school year. It was not until my second medication failed so badly that my doctors finally agreed I probably had endometriosis and that it was certainly a serious situation.

For the past three years and a half years, my life has revolved around my period. It is a constant worry for me of when I will get it next and how bad it will be. It is also a terrifyingly realistic possibility that it will be several more years before I get any type of answer. 

Endometriosis is a horrific, cruel and neglected disease. At every turn, the job of advocating and fighting is left up to me. I have to call doctors, check in on referrals and beg and plead to be taken seriously. I’ve been told again and again I need to make the doctors like me, I need to make a connection. I need to make myself a human to them. Not another name on a list or another young person who doesn’t understand their own bodies. 

I keep fighting anyways. Most importantly, I talk about it. I was raised not to be ashamed of being a woman and I am not afraid to talk about my struggles, even if menstrual cycles are still considered taboo subjects by many. I know that there is something wrong and I refuse to stop searching for answers. I am not afraid of my body, I am afraid of the system that is determined to undermine and dismisss  womens pain. If you think you have endometriosis or something similar, put on some armor and get ready to be a warrior. It’s going to be a long journey and you’re going to have to fight. Fight like a girl. 

[thebastardgerard]

Recently, after reading my friend @metalheadsforblacklivesmatter ‘s posts, I thought it was finally time to share my own story experiencing medical racism, transphobia and sexism.

TW: MEDICAL TOPICS, RACISM, TRANSPHOBIA, SEXISM AND EDS.

Somethings about me and disclaimers:

For those who don’t know me, hi hello, what’s the dealio? My name is Kuco, I’m a two-spirit black-indigenous mixed person. I am light-skinned, but most people can tell I’m mixed or assume I’m Latino, to the point where my medical documents mark me as Hispanic despite myself telling them to change it. I’m also AFAB.

While my experience is bad, it’s not unique to just me. Other people who are apart of the BIPOC community have faced the same or much worse. Regardless, please listen those in the community with darker skin. They often face much worse. If you’re only comfortable listening to those with lighter skin and feel more comfortable while claiming you’re an ally, you’re wrong and need to do better.

My story:

In 2021, I was experiencing nausea and vomiting after I ate. After a week of this continuously happening while working, I went to see a doctor who sent me to a surgeon, who sent me to a gastroenterologist to see what could be done without surgery.

This doctor was a cis white man in his late 60s who was apparently “retired.” After pointing out my symptoms and how they were getting worse, he looked through my medical history and noticed I had anxiety. He immediately went to the conclusion of a “brain-to-gut” connection, saying it was often found in woman. (Shock to no one, that wasn’t the case. Also, the issue was not my anxiety. My anxiety has progressive gone down and was at the lowest it had been in YEARS. My therapist at the time even confirmed this himself.) During this time, he also repeatedly referred to me using she/her pronouns, despite that my medical record points out that I am transgender and went by he/him pronouns at the time. (Despite me pointing this out, he continued to ignore this.) He gave me medications that were supposed to help, a doctor’s note (as I worked at the time) and sent me on my way.

Things only got worse. After 6 months of my symptoms getting worse and worse (to the point I could not eat solid food and started vomiting liquid) and several tests, he still believed it was a brain to gut issue. I had lost a lot of weight, to the point my own family noticed.

One of the last appointments I had with this doctor involved what’s called a gastric emptying test. For this test, a radioactive isotope (which isn’t harmful to humans) is put into some eggs and ingested. Pictures are taken of your stomach to track how long the isotope stays in your stomach after 2 hours, 3 hours, and 4 hours. Normally, your stomach is meant to empty at the 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 hour mark. (By what I was told, mind you.)

My stomach emptied finally at the ladder end of 4 hours. This was considered on the way lower end of normal.

Once my doctor got this result, this was his response: The test says that your empty is at the lower end of what was normal, so that’s normal. Just keep taking your meds. It’s more common for Caucasian (white) people to have more serious gastric problems. Just so you know, I’m not writing you another note for your work, it’s not what I do.

This is what broke the camel’s back.

I called my primary care doctor and let her know that I wanted a different doctor who was a woman to see. I told her that he wasn’t listening to me nor taking me seriously and I refused to see him again. I also let her know that he was refusing to write me anymore work notes, despite the issue not being resolved. (A small time after this, my job let me go due to not having a return date. They said I was allowed to reapply afterwards, but I didn’t for different reasons. That’s another story for a different day.)

My primary care doctor sent me to a different doctor who was a woman and also happened to be a POC.

I had an appointment a week later, in which I told her all my symptoms and how I was barely able to eat it drink anything without being nauseous and vomiting. She listened to me while looking at my previous results from previous tests, in which she saw my gastric emptying test.

Her response was: Your test says your emptying is on the lower end of what’s normal, but by what you’re saying, it’s only gotten worse. Why didn’t he give you anything? I’m surprised you’re even talking to me right now.

I told her that he had said that due to my anxiety, it was a brain to gut issue, which was common for “woman” and continually insisted on that, as well as his other comments. She concluded I have a condition called Gastroparesis, or delayed gastric emptying. This is a condition that affects the stomach muscles and prevents proper stomach emptying. While there isn’t a certain idea of why it happens, it’s thought that those who previously suffered from EDs and have diabetes contract it more. (I had suffered from EDs when I was younger and have a history of diabetes that runs in my family, which is where I believe my causes came from.)

I suffered 9 months with this condition without proper treatment, in which my symptoms were prolonged, got worse, and almost passed, all because if ONE doctor.

While I got better for a time, I’m still battling with this condition, as well as other conditions that came along.

~~~~~~~~~

When those in the BIPOC community tell you we don’t trust white people, especially doctors, it’s because we’ve been shown time and time again the complete disregard for our care and safety.

Use your allyship for good and protect us.

I would like to thank my friends for your help, but especially with my partners and my friend @metalheadsforblacklivesmatter . They helped me so much through those 9 months, and even now continue to help and support me. I love you guys so so much. 🩵🩵🩵

[cricketnationrise]

4:24pm jack's apartment tater

:D

okay for some reason my instinct is to write sad tater but i battled against that bc i didn't want to be sad today. thanks for the prompt, hope you like it!

want your own ficlet? TWO DAYS LEFT rules here.

🏒🏒🏒🏒

jack's apartment, 4:24pm

“But consider this,” Jack is saying, as Bitty pushes him towards the door, “I could stay here instead.”

“You are just the sweetest thing, aintcha? But we both know you’ll melt if you’re away from ice any longer you big Canadian moose. Go skate with Shitty – I know you’ve missed him somethin’ fierce since he was here after the Cup.”

Tater sniggers into the couch cushions at the sight of Jack Laurent Zimmermann – college graduate with honors, top five for the Rocket Richard and Art Ross, runner up for the Conn Smythe, Calder Cup Winner, and Stanley Cup Champion – pouting at his boyfriend.

“Bits—”

“Get out of here, Mr. Zimmermann,” Bitty laughs. “We’ll be just fine on our own, and we’ll be here when you get back.”

“Fine.” Jack leans in for one more kiss and Bitty pushes up into the contact so easily that Tater actually looks away, feeling a little like he’s intruding – only looking up again at the sound of the door closing.

Bitty collects Tater’s evening meds and a slice of pie for both of them before making his way back into the living room, shaking his head fondly. “Never thought I’d see the day when Jack Zimmermann was whining about going to the rink. Somewhere pigs are flyin’.”

“Seem to me like good reason to pout: Little B staying home.”

“You’re sweet as all get out.”

“Am best,” Tater confirms before shoveling blueberry pie into his mouth with a groan of pleasure.

“How’s your leg today? Still sore after PT today?”

“Da. But feels stronger. I’ll be back to start next season I’m thinking.”

Bitty does a little dance in his seat in celebration. “Tater, that’s fantastic! I’m so pleased for you, hon.”

“Is rough, no skate, no running, only bike and swimming sometimes. Feel с ума – not sure what English is – like not wanting to sit still, but forced to.”

“Oh, stir-crazy?” Tater nods. “I totally get that – I got a bad concussion my frog year, couldn’t do anything with impact until the start of the next season. I didn’t think I would miss running in the Georgia heat, but Lord, I would have given anything just to go for a jog, I was so bored.”

Tater lifts his plate and waggles his eyebrows. “Pie helps lots. Would be sad without.”

“Well we can’t have that,” Bitty says, mock seriously before sitting up straight. “Now, to business. Jack will be gone for at least two hours, probably closer to three since Shitty will drag him out for dinner after.”

“We have time to finish Drag Race?”

“We do indeed.”

“Was wrong before. Little B is best.”

Bitty doesn’t say anything, just smiles at Tater fondly, grabs the remote and settles himself against Tater’s side, tucked safely under Tater’s arm. His leg is sore, he’s itching to get back to the ice and conditioning, but Bitty has a way of making all his frustration melt away. 

[oonajaeadira]

State of the WIP Address

Okay, y'all, I've been in a really weird place where I've been avoiding...pretty much a lot of stuff. Dunno if I have to talk to my doctor about upping my meds or what, but this is why I actually went on them--my depression manifests not in laziness, but avoiding things I need to do and things I actually WANT to do. Then I don't do them and it all starts building up. And then the to do pile feels insurmountable, like I'll never get to finish all these wonderful things. So I just...freeze up and roll over. Like a fainting goat. You'd think I'd be like "yay! lookit all the things to look forward to! I have years ahead of me full of things I really want to do! I should never be bored again!" But no. Can't do them Right Now? Fainting goat. It's weirdo. We've all got our weirdo and this is mine.

I only mention it here because I do State of the WIP Address to be accountable. Now, the weird thing is, I don't actually expect anyone to read these posts--they're boring and personal and totally for my own motivation. I just know myself and know if I put something out there, I'll feel bad if I don't do it and that should motivate me to actually do it.

But here's the thing....it doesn't work anymore. I'm no longer fulling for my own snake oil. The placebo has run out. If I know it's inconsequential, then my brain tricks me into thinking that I'm accountable to no one. And, in reality, it's true that I'm actually accountable to no one so the trick doesn't work.

Anyway. Welcome to Adira's brain where she finds her own thought patterns a fascinating psychological study and the lab results are inconclusive.

So I'mma try to twist the experiment a bit. Rather than list the things I know I can't get to right this second and feel bad about it, we're gonna let promises go and do it this way. It's not interesting to anyone but me and anyone who nerds out on process. But rather than listing the things I'm not working on, I'll talk about the ones I am, how it's going, what's in my craw about it, and maybe in my ramblings I'll clear the gears to start rolling again.

This isn't interesting to anyone but me unless you really wanna see how seriously I take my fic writing. Cringe if you want. I'm just being honest with myself. My fic isn't high art, but as with anything I create, I can't half-ass it either. It's "be satisfied with it on my terms" or bust.

STATE OF THE WIPS

I have one million projects happening, but these are the pieces I'm actively thinking about and working on at the moment.

SECRET SANTA Where it's at: I'm writing for someone I think is a wonderful person and want to do right by them, so the pressure's on. But at the same time, it's not. Because I know how accepting and lovely the person is and they gave me a lot of prompts and options and like a lot of the things I do and seem to like a lot of the types of things I like to write. I also know that this doesn't have to be over-complicated, that I can write my heart and it will please both of us. While I haven't actually opened up a doc to start, I know that it's the type of thing that if I have a little uninterrupted block of time, I can just sit down and it will flow. I won't say much about it here, but I will say that while it can 100% be read as standalone, it hits on a character/series I'm currently writing and acts as a kind of prequel, a reason for loving the reader as he does. It's something that is kind of missing in the planned series and I think this would be a nice opportunity to explore it before moving forward (and maybe helping propel that series a little) while also touching on one of the characters my giftee likes, a genre they are interested in that I hadn't considered with this character, and it will have a tone I think they'll appreciate. So while it's for them and being written with their likes in mind, I thank them, because it's also a little gift for me and my yearnings. What's stopping me: Time constraints and general anxiety.

TROPE FIC: MODERN DOM!PERO Where it's at: This one got a little sloppy and I'm working on it. I've been following @max--phillips' entries about what defines certain types of kinks and while my thoughts on dom!Pero started as true dom, they swung wrong when I started working on this, and now I'm just thinking myself back to the definition of dominant. And while I may still be missing the mark, it's helping me to think more about how I want to explore and frame this dynamic. It's also giving me a little trouble in that it's not coming out chronologically which causes me to waste time jumping around and retrofitting things. What's stopping me: I put this one on hold to start prioritizing the Secret Santa piece.

TROPE FIC: SEX POLLEN!OBERYN Where it's at: This piece is flowing chronologically. It's going to be longer than I anticipated and the first draft is about 1/3 done. I already know that after the first draft I'll have to do some shaping and I think maybe I got overwhelmed with the task I set for myself and that triggered my avoidance. I know where it's going, I'm excited for it, it will flow easily if I let it, I just have to do it! What's stopping me: I put this one on hold because I got distracted by tasty Pero thoughts. I blame @perotovar for the thots, but not the stopping. That's all on me.

TROPE FIC: ALPHA!JAVI Where it's at: I'm about 1/2 done with the first draft. Again, this one will be longer (and also more angsty) than I anticipated. I love love love where it's going though and reader and Javi's history is beautiful and sad and complex; I really love that half. I'm just now switching into the modern day section of it and have to make a few decisions about how I actually want it to go. My mind is over-complicating the story and I'm trying to wrestle it down a softer path. What's stopping me: I got distracted by the Oberyn story which is why this one's on hold and now this is all Inceptioning on itself.

GOOD. THINGS. TAKE. TIME. Where it's at: The asks are all sorted, there are only a few more sessions left before chapter 4. I just have to write it. What's stopping me: Here's the thing about PATS. If I was out for notes, I'd be pounding on this series, because it's my most popular one. But... really, I'm just here to dream up stories I like to tell. I put PATS down not consciously and not because I don't love him, but I got excited by other ideas. I want to finish it because I don't like having a bunch of unfinished projects lying around, but I also don't want that to be my #1 motivator for writing him. I want to enjoy it. I did enjoy putting the latest installment out, but I also don't feel like I'm letting anyone down if I don't hurry it, just because engagement is low. Again, I'm not here for the notes, I truly love the connection and the squeeing and sharing a yearn. We're all so busy now that it's tough to get to everything and the mutual timing is a bit off. That's okay. It's planned out, it'll get done, I just have to do it when I'm feeling it.

LEAVE OFF YOUR WANDERING: WINTER Where it's at: Finished plan. Yet to begin writing. What's stopping me: I was wrestling with this one for a bit because I had two directions it could go--soft and fluffy without much meat, or weaving all the details together and serving a story that gets rather dark, a little sad, and serves as a fix it. On one hand, I felt like I would be betraying readers by not keeping the euphoric escape. But I would also feel like I built this whole backstory that needed to manifest itself in a test for Joel and Meadowlark, as well as the fact that--other than backstories--there hasn't been any canon hardship or violence displayed. It's like I'm missing a huge chunk of who Joel and Meadowlark are. In the end, that's where the story wants to go, so I'm going there. And I have to not think about what anyone else wants, just me. Not just for selfish reasons, but I know that's when I do my best. It doesn't mean there won't still be fluff and a happy ending. It just means I have to write darkness and perhaps it will serve me better to do it in the season in which it takes place.

[insipid-drivel]

To My Recent Readers:

I've gotten a small influx of followers courtesy of the fanfiction I've been working on for a few months now. I know some of you follow me on here now and I have some updates:

Right now, things are not great with regards to my health. I'm currently waiting on an emergency appointment with a gastroenterologist, while at the same time I have to make it to my doctor over an hour away just for a meet-and-greet when I am in too much pain to even sit up and work on the fic without feeling like my organs are crushing themselves and slowly killing me. I spend every waking minute of my life these days in unmitigated pain.

I'm trying to get bottom surgery done on the 10th of Feb to resolve reproductive issues that have nearly killed me twice already. Before that, I have to show up for another mandatory F2F with my psychiatrist just to re-update the same meds I've been taking for almost 10 years on the 3rd of Feb, which is more stress that I'm already crying about having to put up with. On the 22nd of January I have to be in Seattle for an appointment that is not going to involve anything but "Hi, I'm here to cut you open. Now drive back home in agony and wait while I provide you with no further help," and it's going to be awful.

I deal with an extraordinary amount of medical PTSD due to severe malpractice and sexual assault at the hands of doctors over several years and multiple instances. I lost my gallbladder about 10 years ago in emergency surgery, and haven't even been able to take Tylenol without experiencing horrifying 8+ hour episodes of pain, vomiting, and begging for death that gets treated like a cry for attention at the ER and has never gotten me any help.

I am endeavoring as best as I can to write more chapters and try to finish Drowning Flotsam in Wine, but I hope you guys can forgive me if I can't. I've been bedridden and in increasingly worse pain for years and have never gotten any doctor to take me seriously enough to help outside of prescribing me pain medications and psych meds that only make my insides bleed and my pain worse.

If I stop updating and cannot be found after Feb. 10, there is a possibility I may be dead from whatever disease I have that my doctors categorically refuse to look into. I'm terrified, and already feel like my body has been steadily working on quitting on me for years, while my doctors have ignored me until it's past the point of helping. I fully intend to sign a DNR and advanced directives to ensure that, should my fears prove accurate, I will not have to suffer anymore and will be gone before more harm can be done to me. I live in a state where euthanasia is provided for the terminally ill, and if I am found to be that sick, I intend to exercise my rights as soon as they're made available to me.

I will update if and when I know more about my present situation, but right now, I'm typing this from my bed and cannot get up by myself to even open my bedroom door. It's hard to even get to the bathroom without help. I'm in more pain than I know what to deal with, and am not considered old or disabled enough to qualify for in-home nursing or alternative pain relief to oral medications.

If something should happen to me to make me disappear for good, please enjoy what I've already published, but I ask that no efforts be made to memorialize or remember me. If it's time, I just want to go into that long goodnight quietly, and as alone as I've always been. I'm ready to be done with this life, if this life is finally ready to stop hurting me and let me go somewhere there is no pain.

Don't worry for me. I'll do my best to keep writing and entertaining you with what's left that the pain hasn't taken away from me.

-Biz/glowsdicks

PS: If the worst does come to pass, I'm begging you, please don't plug my work into AI to "finish" it for you. Generative AI already destroyed my career and is not capable of generating the level of quality content that I can. I've lost everything to it already.

If you have any respect for me or the work I've done to entertain you, please just let it be as it is, even if it outlives me. Please don't feed more of my work into the programs and software that took away my greatest source of happiness in a world that has any ever brought me pain.

[twotales]

*dusts off my tumblr page*

Apparently, I may not have Autisim + Bipolar but just striaght ADHD and it's been fucking me up. Not to mention my nephew. Which really derailed our current life plans? Idk. I am currently terrified of dying so there's that. But! I got a new therapist who is amazing. I might be starting meds soon. Talking with my doctor literally today about it.

I think all the excess interaction with people was just too much, I already had things falling to the wayside (which I didn't notice till it was too late) before I went full steam into fandom and it was hard to control myself. I couldn't function properly and needed a complete break and overhaul.

So, although I am not ready to be super active again I am feeling a little better and am considering posting fanfics again at the very least. My writing and drawing have been my saving grace not to mention my family.

Our kid is amazing omfg.

But yeah. That's what's going on and my thoughts and y'all are literally friends. Hmm, fandom found family 😂 but seriously thanks for the loving messages and support I received. I couldn't respond, I don't really know why, but I felt the love 💛