#i am sabriel trash

[lyricfrost13]

@talkingtomyselfagain

Sooooo . . . I made a thing. 

[light-and-darkness-equally-well]

Prayer of Petition

a Sabriel fic set in an altered Season 14 where Jack isn’t actually dying

“You don’t get to do this to me.  Not again.”

It was little comments, nothing extremely exciting.  Sam never managed to sit down and pray for a long time with everything happening - the hunters, Michael on the lose, Jack’s near-death experience - but he found the muttered conversation soothing.  

Dean would have worried he was hallucinating again.  

“Jack likes nougat.  Think he got it from his uncle?” Sam asked as he bought a pack of 3 Musketeers bars for the supply run.

Sam didn’t pray much anymore after meeting Chuck that last time.  God had both impressed and disappointed him in equal measure (a lot to do with heaven did those very things).  Nick was still missing.  He’d sent out word that a guy with his description was loose and possibly dangerous.  No one made any reply other than they’d let him know if they knew.  

With Jack’s powers slowly returning, Castiel often took the kid aside to help him control his Grace. Apparently, Gabriel had been the one to teach Castiel all he knew.  

“It’s really weird being the leader when Dean’s around. The good old codependency, you know, working its way back.”

Sam hated that every time they seemed to get a win, they lost something, too.  He hated that every connection he made got poisoned by his choices.  Jess. Madison. Eileen. 

Gabriel, twice. 

Castiel explained the Empty as best he could - an endless, dreamless sleep until Jack calling his name had woken him up.  Then, still a void, but one with a warden - one he’d annoyed into letting him go.  

Sam wanted to laugh.  Castiel, annoying?  Gabriel would have been drop kicked from the Empty the moment he woke up.

Oh, you met Cassie? I taught him everything he knows. But not everything I know, bud. 

Sam smiled idly at the image.  

He set his alarms early in the morning, followed the schedule he set for himself. Checked in, ate, showered, researched, hunted, checked in, researched, called Charlie, prayed, slept, repeated.  

It wasn’t too different from the haze before they’d found Dean - though he did manage to take care of himself a bit better, and things looked a little less terrible when Dean was actually at his side. 

“Am I doomed to just continue to clean wounds for people that have killed my family?” he had mused when Nick had been in their custody. 

Now: “Your dad is an asshole, Gabriel. I’m convinced of that. You sure he hasn’t resurrected you yet?” He paused and frowned. 

“If you’re alive . . .” he shook his head.  “You had better be fighting to get back here rather than hiding, idiot.” 

Darker, angrier, drunker nights - “If you’re pulling the same shit again, I’m going to fry you in holy oil and no one can stop me.  You hear me, you son of a bitch?  Don’t you dare leave me behind again.”

Maudlin, somber, sleep-deprived stakeouts - “I know you probably want nothing to do with me. I dragged you back into it all, yeah? It’s my fault again. I never learn, do I?”

Never “Amen.” Sometimes “Bye, Gabe.”

Usually, “Please, come back.”

There are three versions of the Archangel Gabriel’s death, according to Billie.  One is that back in Elysium he really did die at the hands of Lucifer. One is that he died in that other world. 

Another is fuzzy, indefinite - the kind of death that matched the archangels before the Fall, a prediction of the end of everything at once. 

When Sam accidentally addresses her in a prayer, she doesn’t tell him this.  She doesn’t tell him that all of them are true. 

Jack catches the tail end of one of his prayers.  

“Has it ever occurred to you that I really liked having you around, Gabriel? Please don’t be dead. Please, come back.” 

“Are you praying?” Sam jumped, turning. He sighed.  

“Yeah.  I know it’s pointless, with him dead.” Jack shook his head.  

“It’s not pointless if it helps you.  Besides, who knows?  He might come back.”

“I don’t even know if alternate dimensions would have alternate places to go,” Sam mused.  “But thanks.”

“They don’t,” Jacks said with certainty.  

Castiel caught it another time.  He didn’t bother saying anything - the angel just gave him a sad, sympathetic grimace. 

Do you think he’ll come back? Sam wanted to ask.  A younger Sam would have been sure Castiel knew the answer.  A younger Sam believed in angels. 

He’d always been partial to Gabriel when he prayed. 

Dean didn’t find out until a few nights after Jack’s scare with his returning Grace - something that would have appeared to kill him gave his body a shock before healing itself. Sam had rushed back to the bunker and they all had scrambled for a solution. 

Thank Chuck or whoever was intervening that Jack was okay. 

“ . . . thanks, Gabriel.”

“And every last one of the demons ran. You said there would be no new king of Hell? You weren’t wrong. They went with an old one - an old candidate,” said the woman with a frown and black eyes. “They went with you.”

“No.”

“I can’t control what they do, Sam Winchester. Just know that most of the demons downstairs that had wanted you as their king before? They are perfectly happy with that same allegiance.”

Gabriel I swear to you and your father if this is a prank let me out right now

It was not a prank, but Dean found it hilarious that demons were toadying for Sam’s approval. He was making suggestions for requests - takeout, a gladiator ring, to let some of his favorite singers out of hell if they’d made deals. 

Sam wanted to rip his hair out, but that would have been giving in to Dean’s long held demands.  

Those that were for his rule were actually doing things that normal hunters did - killed monsters, killed demons that were breaking some sort of code that they’d made up (it was becoming rampantly clear that at least a few demons had a decent idea of what Sam would do if he actually wanted the throne; apparently, deals with children were a no, all deals were made lucidly and without duress. It was good. It still made him squirm that demons were doing that in his name.)

“If I have to be king of hell, you have to fix heaven. Deal?” he muttered. 

Sam had thought that he might have to stand in front of a cage and say yes to another archangel. Surely one Michael might be enough to beat another? But he’d long since escaped (Sam was baffled to find him coexisting with Adam, back in medical school, using Grace to occasionally cheat the odds with hopeless patients) and had been living with humanity long enough to want to save it. 

Adam, Michael, and Dean became strange fast friends, leaving Castiel disgruntled.  (He’d never let his brother live it down if the staring ever got any further.)

They had someone who could match Alternate Michael’s strength, but two Michaels fighting at their levels of power? It sounded apocalyptic. 

Luckily, Chuck’s extended vacation with Amara lasted just long enough to leave them on the edge of peril. God raised his eyebrow at the other Michael possessing Nick. 

“Really, son?”

“Father,” he breathed, eyes wide. Poor Nick - it always came down to another archangel taking him over. Despite his “yes”, there was just something sad about it. 

“Despite everything, all the worlds, all the options, you decided against my will. Admittedly, that’s what it was all for - free will. Some angels got it. But to subjugate and decimate the most wonderful of my creations?” He shook his head. 

“You’ve fallen far, my child.  And this is not your world to take.  Nor was Gabriel’s life.” Their Michael blinked in surprise.  

“Gabriel?”

“It’s a long story,” sighed Dean, “One I’ll be happy to tell you later.”

Dear God, please let Gabriel come back, Sam thought hysterically. Oh. Wait.  

Chuck’s eyes twinkled at him.  

“I’d be happy to answer your prayer, Sam. As long as you’re willing to take on that deal you said you’d make with him - my children could use his guidance, and Hell could use some compassion.” Sam blinked.  Dean was gaping at the implication. 

“Sammy, what deal?”

“I’ll do it,” Sam said, and Chuck smiled. 

“Gabriel?”

“Never again, Sam,” he promised rushing, pressing into Sam’s chest and nuzzling at his arm.  Sam smelled burnt sugar and felt warm all over.  “I won’t leave again.”

[whoreallyevenknowsanyway]

Words that Leave a Mark

(Honestly mostly a plan thingy/mini ficlet from... Way back on Instagram that imma try and rewrite later)

The first time someone tells you they love you the words are written on your skin. Platonic in gold, Romantic in red... Though Sam had never been told this so when he was around eight and Dean had been angry at him and Sam felt something burn across his chest he was confused and opened his shirt to see the words across his chest 'You're such a bitch Sammy ' In a bright obvious gold he'd been very confused and Dean had looked wide eyed at the words anger draining obviously and sat and slowly explained what he remembered to Sam, Mom had told him when he was young, but Sam had smiled and crossed his arms and looked up at his brother and said " You're a Jerk De." And Dean had moved a hand to his side and pulled up his shirt to see the words below the ones that were there from their mother and Sam smiled hand moving over their mothers words before nodding and moving to his books deciding to do more research on the matter while dean rolled his eyes watching his brother waiting to see if he needed help all while pretending to be busy.

Years later Sam still had very few words, only two addition had been made, a simple gold 'Idjit' below Deans and, a small red line of writing around his left ankle that now made him want to cry whenever remembered Jess, it was all he had left and he had to watch as Dean and Cas Danced around each other even as he sees the lines of red just below the hand print on Deans arm and the line just below Cas's collar but neither seemed to notice the others he'd even seen golden words appear over Dean from others as well, Gabriel even left Gold words on Dean now but Gabe seemed to avoid talking to him and Sam just stayed quiet, because he wished he would, but he knew that if He spoke to Gabe he expected Red to appear and he ... Like the coward he was. Was scared to talk to Gabe properly but it made him cry seeing the man flirt and continue being his charming playboy self and Sam couldn't handle it, one day they'd all gone to a bar Sam had finally pushed his idiot brother to tell Cas and Gabe had to quickly moved to flirt with the bartender and Sam looked up at him with a blank look standing moving to the bar and grabbed his arm, moving to say something before pushing away, "Nevermind... I'm not worth it." He sighed and moved away towards the door not noticing Gabriel staring at the red words burning around his wrist.

[unityghost]

Failure

A bad day had to turn into fanfiction. Because then, the suffering turns into a gift. I like my little system. Good coping skills. *continues to avoid life*

This story reminds me of being in therapy. Like, “I know that it’s logical to feel grief when you have no parents” and “Ah yes, the five stages of grief��� and “I suppose grief is not an unreasonable reaction in this case,” and she’ll be all, “Can we … actually talk about feeling feelings?”

Anyway, this is part of my series Post-Asmodeus Sabriel Feels. Gabriel’s alive in my universe because we all want him to be.

I’m also on Archive of Our Own: http://archiveofourown.org/users/unityghost

Thanks for reading!

For once, Gabriel was useful. Being alive for as long as he had, he was familiar - at least to some degree - with almost every human language ever spoken, written, or signed.

This meant that otherwise indecipherable texts sitting deep within the bookshelves of the Men of Letters bunker could actually offer some helpful information. Spells, mostly - spells that even Rowena didn’t recognize.

Gabriel was glad he could give back to the Winchester brothers, whose hospitality had been ridiculous. It was nice being able to stay with them, and as tempted as he was to ditch so that they wouldn’t have to keep addressing his “post-traumatic stress,” he was trying to accept that it seemed they wanted to. Sam was stubborn whenever the subject arose, and frankly, Gabriel thought that perhaps he was more likely to incur Sam’s anger or disapproval by insisting that Sam was wrong. After all, Sam seemed far less exasperated when something made Gabriel flinch or freeze - or worse - than when Gabriel said, “I don’t want you to put up with me anymore.”

But how far was too far? What could Gabriel ask for, and what was more than they could handle? Crossing a boundary and being thrown out was a lot worse than just leaving on his own, without the ache of rejection.

Lately, the bunker had begun to feel small and tight. Although most of the refugees from the other side of the rift had left - gone back through the portal to try and resurrect what good had once colored their world - it felt oddly more crowded when it was just Gabriel, Sam, Dean, and often Castiel. There were days when the quiet lighting and plain decor made Gabriel feel as if he was back in Hell. It was silly, he knew - but he found he couldn’t always escape the chill in his spine.

Gabriel didn’t think he was the only one who felt a little claustrophobic. Cases became stressful; quarters became close. There were days even Dean and Castiel didn’t get along.

“Why don’t you three go out once in a while?” Gabriel asked Dean in the library while Gabriel was translating and Dean was simultaneously shoveling pizza into his mouth and poring over a cloth-bound booklet. The book was so old and frail its pages were flaking all over the desk. “One of you is gonna have a stroke trying not to bite the other’s head off.”

“What makes you say that?” Dean demanded through a mouthful of pepperoni.

“Uh, well, the last thing I heard you say before you slammed your door last night was ‘the next time you leave the fridge open I’ll take your goddamn hippie salad and replace every grain of quinoa with wendigo meat,’ so … just hazarding a guess but you seem a little on edge.”

“Hey, my brother’s the one on edge. Can’t even remember to keep the food cold. I’m telling you, something’s wrong with that kid.” Dean took an aggressive bite. “He’s lucky I’m such a patient guy.”

Gabriel blinked. “Yeah. Yes. Okay. Well, I know that I could stand to get out for a couple hours. Was thinking I’d head on over to that shady diner a couple miles away.”

Dean frowned. “What shady diner?”

Gabriel sputtered. “Seriously, Dean? You know every greasy spoon in all of Middle America and can’t be bothered to step foot in the only one you could get to without have to stop to fill up on gas?”

“I’ve still got no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m sure Sam would take you.”

“Nah, I don’t want to bother him. I’ll go myself.”

Dean narrowed his eyes. “I don’t think so, Gabe. You don’t have enough power to get there without walking. And two miles is a long-ass way to go when you’re still recovering.”

“I think I can manage two miles,” Gabriel answered dryly.

“Maybe. But I also think my brother needs to get out of this place too. Before any more leftovers manage to develop their own ecosystems.”

Gabriel’s lips tightened. “I’d really rather go by myself.”

“Ask Sam.”

“I don’t need his permission to go anywhere! I’m a grown archangel! I follow nobody’s rules but my - ”

“What are you two talking about?”

Gabriel jumped - unexpected voices, even familiar ones, made him a little uneasy - and relaxed when he saw it was just Sam. “Dean thinks you’re my mother.”

“Oh. That’s creepy.”

“And also not what I said,” Dean groused. “Listen, Gabe has a little cabin fever going on here. What d’you say you take him our for some fresh air?”

“Or,” Gabriel interjected, “I could go myself, which is what I want to do, which is what I’m going to do.”

“No,” Sam replied immediately.

“Why not?” Gabriel demanded.

“Well, one, because you haven’t been outside at all since you got here a month and a half ago; and two, because I don’t trust you not to run off.”

“What - that’s - I’m not gonna run off!” And what do you care if I do?

Sam shrugged. “I could stand some fresh air myself. Where d’you wanna go? There’s not much around here, but - ”

“Gabe said something about a diner,” Dean told him.

“Oh, yeah, the one a couple miles down the road.”

“See, Dean-o?” said Gabriel. “Maybe you have bad eyesight or something.”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea,” Sam decided. “Let’s go. You and me. When was the last time you had coffee? Or an ice cream sundae?”

“A while,” Gabriel admitted.

“You know, there are other food groups,” Dean reminded his brother.

“Oh, yeah, thanks for that. Enjoy the two slices of heart attack you have left. Come on Gabriel, let’s head out.”

“I’d reeeeaaaally prefer to go alone.”

“Yeah, well, I’m the one with the car.”


“I’m the one with the car,” Dean corrected.

“Well, I’m second in command.” Sam turned back to Gabriel. “Sorry, Gabe, but I’m not allowing you to just go off without someone else.”

Gabriel groaned. “Archangel. Celestial creature of light and glory. Bearer of good news. Sexy multi-winged beast. Not a kindergartener, Sam.”

“Hey, what about me?” Sam objected. “Maybe I want some company, huh? It’ll be good for me to take a break. Don’t argue with me on this; just come.”

Gabriel shoved himself to his feet. “Hate that orphan-child look of yours. Fine, but you’re paying, Oliver Twist.”

The inside of the diner was just as gross as the outside: peeling paint, a clock stuck at exactly 9:14, greasy tables. And as much as Gabriel was loath to admit it, he was glad he hadn’t come here by himself. It would’ve creeped him out.

“So,” said Sam after they were seated, “You feeling okay on your first trip out in … forever?”

“Fine,” Gabriel replied, not quite sure whether he was telling the truth. It was nice not to be trapped in the bunker, but admittedly, until recently, he’d felt a little uneasy at the prospect of leaving. Lately he’d been oscillating between desperation for a world beyond the underground - he’d had more than his fair share of that - and fear of being exposed to new unknowns.

After all, any one of these people - the wait staff, the customers - could be demons in disguise. Demons prepared to take him back. To retrieve what had been rightfully theirs for so many centuries.

Well, not theirs. He’d belonged to their master. But there were those still loyal to Asmodeus, and those who knew they could benefit from archangel grace themselves. They’d seen the power it had given the prince. And now that they knew -

“Hey. Gabriel?”

Gabriel’s eyes refocused. Sam was watching him in confusion. “Did you hear me?”

“Uh. Yeah. But um, I forgot what you said.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “I asked if you know what you’d like to eat.”


Gabriel squirmed. “Not hungry. But coffee sounds nice.”

“You know you have to eat. If you want your grace to come back faster.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “I appreciate your expertise, Sam. Look, I’m just not in the mood right now. Food wouldn’t be …” He hesitated. “I just don’t want it.”

Gabriel had had a lot of trouble eating since getting out of Hell - partly because he hadn’t had food in such a long time that it was like trying to communicate with his old self in a foreign language, and partly because memories of being force-fed made everything feel heavy and putrid inside of him.

“Soup?” Sam pressed.

“Sam. I really, really don’t want it. See, this is why I planned on coming alone. I didn’t need you pushing me around.”

Sam looked hurt, and Gabriel immediately regretted his words. “Sorry, sorry, that’s not what I meant. All right, look, if you’re so set on it - fine. I’ll get some soup. Okay?”

Sam’s face relaxed, and he nodded. “You don’t have to eat all of it. What kind would you like? They have, uh …” He looked down at the menu. “I’m assuming you don’t want anything with chicken or beef.”

Gabriel shuddered, remembering what had happened the last time he’d been exposed to meat. Sam had been incredibly patient with him, taking him away from the table and helping him calm down even as Gabriel was violently sick.

“Looks like there’s also minestrone,” Sam told him. “And cream of celery.”

“Which sounds disgusting.”

“Minestrone it is, then.”


“Do I get a say?”

“Well, I could order the chicken noodle, but - ”

“Never mind. Minestrone sounds nice and … minestronal.”

Sam requested coffee for the both of them, and a sandwich for himself. Gabriel didn’t fail to notice that Sam omitted meat from his own order.

Gabriel bit back the urge to tell Sam not to sacrifice what he liked just because Gabriel was liable to have some kind of bacon-induced meltdown. Then again, this was probably better for Sam’s sake: eating cheese and lettuce on rye was preferable to dragging Gabriel into a piss-soaked restroom before he could throw up all over the table.

Gabriel barely touched his coffee, even after pouring almost a third of the sugar jar into his mug. He felt ill at just the notion of having to eat. Why had he thought to come here in the first place? Now it seemed stupid.

Gabriel was still lost in thought when their waitress arrived at the table.

“Provolone melt for Hagrid,” she said, setting Sam’s plate in front of him, “And soup for scrawny blondie.”

Gabriel cast her a dirty look as she walked away.

“Just a little, okay?” Sam coaxed.

The soup was too hot to eat. “Let me wait for it to cool down.”

“Yeah, all right. Sure.” Sam took a bite of his sandwich, and then a sip of coffee. Gabriel missed being able to enjoy a meal like that. It had been an indulgence for him when he still had his grace; now it was important that he eat to replenish what he’d lost, and he couldn’t.

“Come on, Gabriel.” Sam’s voice was gentle.

Gabriel picked up a spoonful of soup and cautiously put it into his mouth. The temperature was fine and the minestrone relatively bland, for which he was grateful.

“So,” Sam began after several moments of silence, “How are - ”

Just then his cell phone vibrated. He pulled it from his pocket and glanced at the number before answering. “Hey Dean.” Silence while Sam listened to his brother. “Oh, uh yeah, sure. Hang on.” Sam handed the phone across the table. “He wants to talk to you.”

Gabriel blinked in confusion but took the phone. “Uh. Hey?”

“Hey Gabe,” came Dean’s voice, “I got a question for you. This translation you were working on before you left? Well, it looks pretty good, except I don’t know if this spell is right.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Yeah, you put down something about” - there was a pause, as though he were looking more closely at the translation - “the bark of an elm tree, and that looks fine; but then you wrote down, uh, ‘canine tooth of goblin.’”

“Yeah, I did. I remember.”

“You ever tried mixing those two?”

“I flunked out of Hex Lab 101.”

Dean sighed. “It’s a dangerous pairing, man. Has the potential to blow the entire bunker to Reese’s Pieces. Be careful next time, okay? If I hadn’t known about that - ”

“Yeah, I - I get it.” He gripped the phone tightly. “So you think the translation is wrong.”

“I’ve seen this word once or twice before. I’m 95% sure it has a different meaning. It’s all right man, just … maybe double-check from now on. And if you need one of us to translate, we could probably do it.”

Gabriel swallowed. “Sorry about that, Dean-o.”

He hung up and handed the phone back to Sam.

There was a moment of silence.

“Gabriel?” Sam spoke warily. “Why do you look like you’re about to pass out?”

“I don’t look like that.”

“You definitely look like that.”

“The lighting in here sucks.”

“What’d Dean say to you?”

“He just … had a question about the translations.”

“What kind of question?”

“Please stop interrogating me.”

“Did he scare you?”

“Nope. He just had a question. I’ve asked questions before too. They’re all the rage up in Heaven. I hear they come in different colors now.”

“Dude - ”

“All right.” Gabriel clapped his hands together. “Howsabout you finish up here and I start walking back? I know you’re gonna try and fight me” - he raised his hands in a gesture of good will - “but look at me. I’m fine. I ate.”

“You had half a spoonful.”

“Which, when you’re as powerful and majestic as I am, is more than enough.”

“Is there an emergency over at the bunker or something?” Sam didn’t sound worried - just skeptical.

“No,” Gabriel replied. “Unless you consider a question an emergency.” He rose to his feet.

Sam’s face hardened. “Stay put.”

Centuries of training had taught Gabriel to obey a command when he heard one.

He retook his place at the table. And didn’t move. Didn’t breathe.

“You need to tell me what’s going on,” said Sam. “Now.”

Gabriel inhaled sharply. “Okay, I - I think - ”

Sam raised his eyebrows, pushing him to continue.

“I think I made a dumb mistake with the translations,” Gabriel confessed. “I’m not - listen, for like five minutes there I thought I could be helpful to you guys, but apparently I almost got you killed.”

Sam frowned in puzzlement.

“Look, I know a thing or two about words, okay, but I’m not exactly a Nobel Prize candidate for witchcraft. I shouldn’t have been translating that stuff; I messed up and Dean noticed it. He told me it could’ve been disastrous if he hadn’t. I, um … there’s nothing I can do for you guys now. I’m sorry, I …”

He stopped, looking down at his soup, feeling his stomach churn and Sam’s eyes lock onto him.

Gabriel raised his head. “Stop staring at me.”

“Gabriel, it’s all okay,” Sam assured him. “Dean spotted it. Nobody got hurt.”

“Okay. Cool. But obviously someone could have. In fact, all of you could have. So how about this? You enjoy what’s left of your three-dollar cheese-flavored throw rug, I go on my merry way, and you guys never have to worry about me setting fire to all those manuscripts that Castiel could probably translate with a lot more common sense ever again.”

Sam closed his eyes. “All right - no. Stop it. I mean it. Stop. Just slow down, Gabriel. First, we’re not gonna make you work for us. Second, of course you’ve been helpful. And third - did I ever tell you about the things Dean and I have mistranslated? Seriously? I came up with ‘duck on iron eats sage’ and Dean read the same passage as ‘cherry never runs.’”

“Yeah, well, waterfowl choking to death on herbs sounds a lot less intimidating than an underground hovel going up in flames. Plus, you really should have lower standards for yourself. Mortal shortcomings and all that.”

“Thanks, Gabe.”

“Look, all I’m trying to say is - ”

“I know what you’re trying to say.” Sam’s voice softened. “Gabriel, are you afraid we’re mad at you?”

“Well - I mean - aren’t you? I would be. And even if you’re not, I’m apparently useless, so - ”

“No one’s asking you to be useful.”

“Oh, okay. Then I guess I’ll just have to get comfortable with mooching off your space, and your charity, and all your goddamn patience, until I turn into an angel again!”

Everyone in the diner turned to stare.

“Gabriel,” Sam muttered, “Chill.”

Gabriel slunk down in his seat, humiliated.

“Listen,” Sam went on, keeping his voice low, “You can take a break from all the translation stuff if you want. We don’t need anything right this second, okay? And if you do want to stick with it, it’s fine; Dean and I know what we’re doing, so we’ll notice if something looks off. All right? No one’s gonna spontaneously combust because you miss a word or two here and there. And if it’s too much, just … just don’t worry. Everything’s fine. You’re not here for slave labor.”

Gabriel hesitated, trailing his eyes over the lumps of soggy vegetables in his soup. “Sam, I need to tell you something.”

“Yeah, what is it?”

Gabriel looked up at him. “There were days when I didn’t have enough. Days when he’d come for my grace and it was just … gone. Because he’d taken all of it. And he wanted more, and …”

Gabriel’s eyes swam with tears and he ducked his head. The minestrone became a murky puddle. “When I couldn’t give it to him, he got so angry. Asmodeus would do everything to me - everything. He told me it was my fault. He said I must have done it on purpose, that I was playing a cruel trick on him. And he tried to drill it into my head that - that my days as the Trickster were over, but I already knew that. Before he sewed me up I tried to tell him I couldn’t help it. I just needed time and then he could have whatever he wanted. But he - he wanted so much from me.”

Gabriel shut his eyes, and the tears spilled, streaking his face.

He wished this wouldn’t keep happening. It was all part of Sam being nice to him. If only they were a little more violent, he could just take their beatings, take their insults.

Instead he was reduced to this, because everybody else refused to give him the agony he deserved.

“I gave everything I could,” Gabriel choked without opening his eyes. “Every time he came for me - I was scared of being empty. The pain was so - so bad - but nothing compared to - ”

He felt hands on either of his arms, and Sam lifted him from his seat. “We’re gonna go outside.”

Gabriel heard the rustle of dollar bills and then the soft thus of coins being lain on the table. After that, Sam steered Gabriel over to the exit. Gabriel opened his eyes as they made their way across the parking lot to the Impala.

“Come on,” said Sam. “Get in.”

Gabriel followed his instructions, hugging himself and shivering as if the air weren’t mild and clear.

Sam climbed into the driver’s seat and shut the door. “All right, hey.” He reached across Gabriel to open the glove compartment and handed Gabriel a half-empty packet of tissues. Gabriel took one of them and, avoiding Sam’s gaze, scrubbed at his face.

He thought maybe having dry skin would help him feel calmer. But he’d lost control over himself, couldn’t stop jerking with hard, almost painful sobs.

“This is just because of the translation?” Sam asked.

Gabriel didn’t answer.

“The translation doesn’t matter,” Sam insisted. “No one cares.”

“Then why - ” Gabriel shuddered, trying to swallow down another spasm of crying. “Why did Dean call me to tell me?”

“I think he just wanted to make sure he was reading right. It was possible that he was the one making a mistake. Did he sound frustrated?”

“I don’t - I don’t remember. I don’t think so. I couldn’t tell. I just assumed he was.”

“Trust me, you’d know if he was upset with you. Hey - you need to breathe a little more. You’re gonna make it worse if you don’t try for a deep breath.”

Gabriel attempted to loosen his shoulders a little. It was easier to breathe that way.

Sam smiled at him. “Look, see, you’re all right; you’re okay. Now take a deep breath. Just one.”

Maybe it was the tenderness in Sam’s voice that made Gabriel collapse into another fit of tears. He was incapable of doing what Sam had asked of him. Incapable of ever doing what Sam asked of him. He couldn’t translate; he couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t calm down. He could never calm down.

Sam put a hand on Gabriel’s back. “It’s okay, Gabriel. You’re safe.”

Gabriel shook his head. “I’m not.”

“You are. You’re with me.”

Gabriel shook his head more fiercely this time.

“Gabriel, you’ve got to let me help. You know I can. You know I want to.”

“He was right!” The pitch of Gabriel’s voice - high, strangled, keening - surprised even him. “He was right to do what he did! I know that now; I - I was only good for my grace and when I couldn’t give it - I was nothing. I’m still nothing. I can’t give you anything. I tried and I can’t. I’m nothing.”

“You’re not nothing.”

“I’m nothing!” He lowered his head, seizing fistfuls of his hair and sobbing into his knees. “Nothing!”

“No, Gabriel, no.” Sam was trying to soothe him by running a hand up and down his spine. It was confusing, even frustrating, that he knew how to touch Gabriel without scaring him. After everything Sam himself had experienced, he shouldn’t have this kind of gentleness in him. He should react to others with the ferocity he’d been taught under Lucifer. Sam should be trying to protect himself, not Gabriel.

“I know that I am,” Gabriel rasped. “Stop trying to tell me I’m not!”

“But you don’t want to be, so why are you trying to convince yourself that you are?”



“I don’t want to lie!”

“Me neither. I’m good at it, but I don’t have to like it. I’ll take any opportunity to be honest. This seems like a good one, don’t you think?” He was still sweeping his hand over Gabriel’s back. “Hey, Gabe, I need you to sit up, okay? You’re not gonna make any progress down there by yourself.”

When Gabriel didn’t respond, Sam eased him upright and offered him another tissue.

Gabriel didn’t take it. He didn’t deserve to look clean when he knew he was filthy.

“All right.” Gabriel flinched when Sam dabbed at his face with the tissue, trying to soak up the worst of it. “Hold still, okay? Just try to relax.”

“I can’t.”

“I’ve seen you do it before.”

“Sam - ”

“You don’t want to make yourself sick again.”

“I don’t care what happens to me.”

“I care.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“Whatever, I still do.” Sam withdrew the tissue and studied him. “Should we go home?”

“Dean’s not going to want to see me.”

“Yes he is. If there’s any problem I’ll put him in his place.”

“I don’t - I don’t want him to look at me, Sam.”

“All right, well, then we can avoid him and I’ll just hang out with you until you feel better.”

Sam started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. Gabriel leaned against the window, exhausted and ashamed.

True to his word, Sam brought them both into his bedroom so that Gabriel didn’t have to face anyone else.

As much as Gabriel hated to admit it, this was his favorite place to be. He’d spent more time than he deserved in Sam’s room, often in the middle of the night when a dream sent him into hysterics.

“Lie down,” Sam instructed. “You don’t have to sleep. Just rest for a minute.”

Reluctantly, Gabriel lowered himself to the bed and curled up on his side. He was comfortable, and that disturbed him, because he wasn’t supposed to be comfortable. As much as Gabriel had loathed the cell - the chilly stone floor, the greasy walls, the funereal glow of the candles - at least he knew it was where he was supposed to be. He hated it, but he had no right to wish he were somewhere else.

And now that he was out, he had no right to be afraid. The revulsion that was coming - whether now or somewhere down the line - was exactly what he deserved.

He wondered why that didn’t make it any easier, why that didn’t make the fear go away.

Sam sat on the other side of the bed. “You all right?”

“Not really.”

Sam sighed. “I know.”

“Then why the hell did you ask?”

“I’m not sure. Can I get you anything? Water, maybe?”

“No.”

“Really? Because you do deserve some water, you know.”


Gabriel rolled over to look up at him, surprised that Sam had interpreted his refusal correctly. “No. I don’t. I don’t want it.”

“I’m getting it anyway.” Sam stood and left the room for a minute. When he came back, he set the water on the nightstand. “Not pushing. But it’s there if you change your mind.”

Gabriel raised himself to a sitting position. “Sam?”

“What’s up?”



“You knew that I thought I shouldn’t have water.”

“Yeah, I could tell.”

“How?”

“Because when you feel worthless, it’s easy to think everything is a privilege.”

Gabriel sat in silence, contemplating what Sam had said. “I didn’t realize you were so good at reading minds. They teach you this stuff in college?”

Sam resettled himself on the mattress. “I’m not exactly a rookie, you know.” He picked up the water and handed it to Gabriel, who accepted it this time.

“Are you feeling a little less … frantic?” Sam asked as Gabriel took a few tentative sips.

“Little bit. Be nice if I could hold onto my dignity for more than fifteen minutes at a time, but you know. Comme ci comme ça.”

“Don’t get so worked up. You can’t help it.”

“Um. Yes. I’d have to agree with you. And therein lies the worst of the problem.”

“There’s no problem here, Gabe.”

“Yes there is. You just handed it a glass of water.”

“Gabriel,” said Sam, “Do you think that if you keep telling me how much I’m supposed to hate you, I’ll finally decide that none of this is worth the effort?”

“Not exactly,” Gabriel replied. “More like if I pester you enough, you’ll come to your senses. Then, for your sake, you’ll kick me out. Out of the bunker and out of your life. It’d be doing me a favor, Sam. I can’t bring myself to hit the road on my own.”

“Good. I was afraid you might.”

“Hence why you wouldn’t take no for an answer when I said I didn’t want you following me to the diner.” Gabriel rolled his eyes. “You know something? You’re almost as much of a pain in the ass as I am.”

Sam smiled. “But you don’t want to get rid of me, do you?”

Gabriel stared at him in disbelief. “That’s completely different. You’re just annoying. I’m … for Dad’s sake, you wiped up my snot back at the diner! The worst you ever do is dedicate yourself to pointless martyrdom. But me? Come on, Sam. We’re hardly on a level playing field here. You should - ”

“All right, all right, there’s nothing to get upset about. Drink some more water, okay?”

Gabriel complied. It did feel good on his lips and throat. Even if he couldn’t enjoy food the way he used to, water was still okay.

“Helps, right?” Sam asked.

Gabriel nodded, drinking more.

“Gabriel,” said Sam, “Does part of not eating have to do with … with not deserving it?”

Gabriel lowered the glass. “I guess so. A couple of times I’ve been hungry, and - and it seems wrong to eat.”

“Okay. Got it.” Sam hesitated, as if not entirely sure whether he wanted to go on. “You know I was tortured in Hell, right? And Dean was too, before he started torturing others.”

“Yes.” Gabriel looked away. “You two have your own shit to handle.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to tell you. What I mean is that I used to wonder if maybe Lucifer was doing the right thing. That I was just … not meant to be okay. Because I wasn’t worthy of being okay. I was scum. That’s what I thought.”

Gabriel’s eyes widened. “What the everliving - Sam. That’s so stupid. That’s, like - that’s contagious stupid. Don’t come any closer; I don’t wanna catch your stupid.”

“And I still have those days,” Sam added.

Gabriel just stared. “But that’s - ”

“It’s what? Ridiculous? Not true? Look - I know. I know that now.” He glanced away for a second. “Mostly. Anyway, what would you do if I was in your place?”



Gabriel shrugged. “Quite possibly the same fairy godmother routine. But you’re not me, and I could never be you.”

“No.” Sam touched his shoulder. “You’re not supposed to be. Besides, can you imagine having two of me?”

“Better than having two of your brother.”

Sam considered. “You’re probably right.” He got to his feet. “Speaking of Dean, I’m gonna go see how he’s doing. See if he needs any help with the … with anything.”

“Ask Cas for help with the translations,” Gabriel said bitterly.

“We’ll ask if we need it. You just chill in here for a few minutes and wait for me.”


“I don’t need constant supervision, you know.”

“Why, you don’t want me to come back?”

“No, I do. But you shouldn’t be - ”

“Okay, good, me too.” Sam left before Gabriel could say anything else.

“Stubborn dick,” Gabriel murmured, because the alternative was getting lost in self-disgust again.

Being alone was tough. The silence was more than Gabriel could handle.

It drove him nuts that he sort of did need supervision.

He curled up on the bed, leaning back against the pillows. His spine tingled, waiting for ugly touch.

But the silence would be over soon.

No matter how little Gabriel deserved it, it was good to know Sam was coming back.

[arialerendeair]

The Supernatural/Shadowhunters crossover is now 24,000 words and counting. And I now have 8 other ideas in progress that I want to write. Including a play by play of Alec finding Magnus in Edom because I AM FUCKING WEAK FOR THAT HUG.

[wlwarhammer]

Now this is a story all about how

My life got flipped-turned upside down

And I'd like to take a minute

Just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became a trash can on a site called tumblr

[jossujb]

@puella-peanut tagged me into this, thanks :D

3 Ships: 

SPN: Sabriel. I mean like, there are people who ship Sam and Gabriel and then there are people who are wrong ahahahha xD

No but seriously, their character beats mirror each other, they are little brothers who got forced into situations they don’t wanna be in. Besides, tho Sam and Dean are the protagonists, the writers favored Dean that he became de facto the main character. Gabriel is one of the very few characters in the whole series who paid primary attention to Sam. I dunno, i ticks me, every time I think of I am done with this fandom I get fond feelings over them

Cobra Kai: Lawrusso. Oh my fucking god with these karate trainwrecks xDD No but, they kinda compliment each other too. Neither of them is completely stable in the head, Johnny is more outwardly trash, but sometimes I am like, you know, Daniel is kinda sad sod too xD Plus admire balls to the walls lets ruin our lived over karate kinda attitude. Mach made in karate heaven, I mean, what are the changes of finding that person who is just equally as fucking wild about the special interest. Besides I started karate classes myself because of these motherfuckers.

Jago & Litefoot: Prof. Litefoot/Mr. Jago :D I man, what I can even say, other than list Chronoclasm and tell me Litefoot didn’t just like declare his love in action right there. Not mention the the triangle drama with vampire, couple shenanigans on the run or in another universe. Jago was crying when he though Litefoot was stuck in that snowglobe and giving a full I love you speech. Only reason thy might not be in the books as canon is the fact that they’re both Victorian idiots who can’t express their emotions right.

Last song? Kiss from a Rose by Seal. I’ve been listening the Soundtrack album for Batman Forever on repeat for couple weeks now, I dunno. Gives me the feels.

Last movie? I watched the Puss in Boots in theaters. That was quite honestly the best movie of the year, not gonna lie.

Currently consuming: I have some sugar free ginger soda I bought from post xmas sale.

Currently watching: I am in the middle of Sophmore year on D20′s Fantasy High, even though I know I am not even getting more content for my shipping feels xD

Currently reading: I got a vintage edition o Yrjö Kokko’s fairytale Pessi & Illusia about a little troll boy and a fairy and that’s a classic. 

Currently craving: I just really want to eat all the sweet stuff, candy and chocolate and whatnot, but I am trying to be healthy so like. Suprssing those feels I guess.

Anyway, thanks for asking :D

[katiebug445]

SPN au where everything is the same except every time Sam and Gabe are on screen together it pauses and you hear me scream for five solid minutes

[boykingboytoy]

Hi, my lovely!! 💕💕 5,6,21, and 25? 💋

Hello gorgeous!!  💕💕 Thank you for the ask!  💋

5. Favorite episode

Amber, I’m surprised at you! We have 307 episodes of Winchester goodness and you expect me to pick one? Hmm, nope too hard. You get a list again. :p 

Lebanon is special to me because we finally get to see the whole family together, but it’s not my first choice. It is probably one of my favs in terms of making me emotional though. I’m a bitch and I a l w a y s cry.

Mystery Spot / Channel Chasers are my definite favorite in terms of comedy. They’re fun and silly and sometimes I just need to have a good time in a show with so much fucking angst in it. 

Fan Fiction / Sympathy for the Devil are amazing in terms of meta material alone. It’s nice to see fans of a show represented in the show itself. We all put so much passion into what we do so these two give me the warm and fuzzies. 

I won’t subject you to more, but these are all up there for me. 

6. Favorite quote 

In Sharp Teeth (S9 E12) Dean says, “You know, who cares where happiness comes from? Look, we’re all a little weird, we’re all a little wacky – some more than others – but… if it works, it works.” 

This quote always hits me hard because being in fandom is so hard to explain to people who don’t get it. Most of my irl friends think it’s so weird that I’m still involved in fandom when they all “grew out of their fandom phases”. Older people in my life are critical about the amount of time I “waste” on fandom and other “nonproductive” hobbies. But hey the weird shit that I like makes me happy and “if it works, it works”. As long as something makes me happy, everyone else’s negative opinions can fuck right off.

21. Top 5 ships

Wincest [Dean/Sam]

Brady/Sam/Jess [Stanford Sinners OT3] 

Destiel [Dean/Castiel] (Was in the #1 spot for a long ass time)

Daddycest [John/Sam/Dean]

Sabriel [Sam/Gabriel]

25. Top 5 minor characters In No Particular Order

Missouri Moseley - I love this woman to death ok. She is such a badass and she’s psychic and she takes no shit. She was only in 4 episodes, but I wish she had become closer to a Bobby type character seeing how close she seemed to be to John. Not to mention helping Sam out with his powers would have been an amazing character arc. 

Andrew Gallagher / Ava Wilson -  Both of these Special Children were in a few episodes during S2 and both of them got killed off so fucking quickly. Couldn’t like o n e of them live and help Sam figure out shit. Being a Special Child is such a mind fuck and letting Sam have friends that he can learn with would be so good for him. 

Jesse Turner - This little boy from S5 was the original Jack. I love Jack, but what happened to this kid?? He was a half-demon, half-human who was destined to become the anti-christ. Hello?? Having him come back would have been a m a z i n g!! And he’s so powerful like f u c k. This child who is like 10 years old can alter reality, exorcise demons, conceal himself from any supernatural beings, use telekinesis, and teleport. The writers just made him go missing?? Where was he during the apocalypse or when everyone was summoning their armies and shit?? He also could have been a great foil for Jack’s character if they ran into him later on. (Also if Sam became the King of Hell I o v e the thought of this kid being one of his right hands..)

Jacob Pond - Now this little boy was in S7 E3 and is a Kitsune. After the death of his mother Dean tells him if he kills anyone else Dean will come after him and this motherfucker tells Dean “ The only person I'm going to kill – is you. ” I wish we got to see this kid pop up every now and then trying to kill Dean, growing more powerful every time we see him. It would have been so good if the writers didn’t completely trash this story line after this episode. 

Becky Rosen - Personally  I have mixed feelings about Becky as a character, but I like to see her pop up every now and again. I’m glad to see the writers actually keeping a side character alive for once, even if she’s a questionable character. Can you taste the salt I’m spewing or am I not yelling loud enough?

Thank you for the ask my darling!!  💕 💕 I loved getting to answer such a long ask. Have a good day and stay safe out there beautiful! 

[callunavulgari]

Rules: answer these questions and tag five other fic writers to do the same.

Tagged by @wellhalesbells!

Author Name: callunavulgari

Fandoms You Write For: A... lot? My main ones over the years have been Kingdom Hearts, Percy Jackson, Teen Wolf, Stranger Things, Supernatural and Legend of Zelda, but I have dipped my toes into a truly ridiculous amount of fandoms. A couple other notable ones are Avatar, Doctor Who, Merlin, Supernatural, The Flash, Homestuck... the list goes on and on.

Most Popular One-Shot: i don’t believe in fairytales (but i believe in you and me) which is, wait for it... about 3k of fic about an accidental dick pic. It currently has about 4,500 kudos and 69,000 hits, which is... kind of ridiculous for a story about a dick pic, but hey. People like what they like.

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story: I don’t actually remember the last time I wrote a multi-chapter story? Wait, I think I broke Heartlines into two chapters. Pretty sure all the other ones I started with the intent of making them multi-chapter died in WIP hell. 

Favourite Story You Wrote: Still Rubatosis. Though I think that take me to church is a close second now. I just really hit on the atmospheric vibe that I was aiming for with that one.

Story You Were Nervous to Post: Probably every single Reylo fic I’ve ever posted? I mean, I’m not ashamed of what I like, but people are super shitty and there are some really shitty haters in that fandom. I think the first Harringrove fic I ever wrote I was really worried about too. Again, people. I am well aware that the characters are trash - but just, don’t also be trash hating on people for it. If you don’t like something, just don’t click it. That simple.

How Do You Pick Your Titles: I am super duper guilty of lyrics as titles. I’ve been doing it for so long now that I don’t even really think about it. There are a couple of my longer ones, notably big bangs that I haven’t done this with, but they’re pretty few and far between. I am horrible at titles and after spending hours on a fic I don’t want to waffle over a title for another two hours.

Do You Outline: Mostly, no. I do mostly one-shots that I’ve written in single sittings, only breaking for tea or food or the toilet, so most of the time they’re not needed. However, if I’m writing something longer - for a big bang or just for my own pleasure, I’ll sometimes highlight key points. The only issue that I’ve noticed with outlines is that they kind of take my fun out of writing? I outlined the crap out of my Sabriel AU and well, that is obviously not finished and honestly probably never will be. If I don’t pick it back up when this last Star Wars movie comes out, I probably never will finish it.

How Many Of Your Stories Are Complete: I have a total of 560 fics on Ao3 between my hiza-chan pseud (all the old fic) and callunavulgari, and most of those are one-shots. I typically don’t post until I’m done, because if I do, I’ll never get around to updating it. The only two coming to mind are that one Percy Jackson/Teen Wolf crossover and the Sabriel AU, which I tried to dare myself into completing by posting the prologue. Can we say, backfired?

In-Progress: I technically have a whole damn lot of dead and/or incomplete fic on my googledocs account. A couple of them I might clean up and post at some point as is (the TW/Carmilla AU or the TW/Bioshock one) just because they’re fairly long and can probably stand on their own? But none of those are technically in progress. I am doing pretty good keeping up with Dark Month this year. As of tonight I’m 13 for 13, but those are one-shots that I’m producing each day, not in-progress, per se.

Coming Soon: More spooky month content. My goal is to actually do all 31 days, which is a lot, especially considering the amount of overtime I’m currently working. But! I’ve literally written more in the last 13 days than I have in two years, so never say never. 

I’m also considering doing Yuletide this year. I was going to do both it and Nano, but I’m 95% sure that after October’s over I won’t want to see my keyboard for at least a month, but Yuletide is definitely still on the table.

Do You Accept Prompts: I do, though usually only when I specifically ask for them. I actually love doing prompts, but I’ve been so bad at actually finishing them recently that most people have, y’know, stopped throwing them my way even when I ask. For those of you who do still send me them, thank you. It helps, and most of the time I start them only to realize halfway through that I hate my writing. It... hasn’t been a great two years for me writing-wise.

Upcoming Story You’re the Most Excited For: I... have more spooky fic coming? Some that will probably excite me a lot, but I’m approaching them a day at a time so I don’t get so hung up on a future fic that I don’t finish the one I should be working on that day. Most of my writing for the last two years has been only writing when the urge strikes, so I can’t say I’m really excited for anything else because there isn’t anything else.

tagging: whoever feels up to it. I love you all. 

[lyricfrost13]

Bring 'em Back Alive

Supernatural spoilers, obviously. Master reaction post for this episode.

Be prepared for my Sabriel trash/Gabriel fangirl self to emerge

Pre show: Ugh why does Gotham have to air at the same time now I have to wait for the Joker stuff to happen. I watched some previews and. Um.

Sam: Gabriel, I need you.

Me: I know you're actively baiting me but I don't care this is beautiful this is straight out of fanfic THANK YOU THOUGH writers I will take what I can get let's be honest

I'm also so scared for my baby I hope he recovers soon. Seriously, he keeps curled up all the time and twitches at every touch. I shudder to think what he's gone through.

Okay here we go episode starting.

F off Ketch but also be an attack dog please Dean needs canon fodder (can you tell I don't care about Ketch much? I don't.)

CHAAAARLIIIIIIE my girl I did not expect to see you here!

...omg I swear if they just brought her back to kill her off ugh

Gabriel my baby. I'm loving Speight's acting, oh my god, seriously, give this man an award.

"Open up like a Choo Choo" seriously cas

No my baby, Gabriel...

"Where were you?" "Out." Jesus christ, lucifer with Jo, come on. Protective of Jack ish, possessive - not surprised he's not doing well in Heaven.

Fuck off Asmodeus ugh.

Duh it's personal, Ketch, everything is personal.

Okay why are we shooting Dean, come on now.

Going to a camp now, we have a direction.

Ooooookay Gabe with faking your death. I kinda hoped that wasn't the case but really what did I expect. And apparently porn stars is a consistent thing with him, jeez.

What the fuck Luci seriously. What's with the exorcism thing. These priests are dumbasses, and while the moment with the demon was funny, I don't know what you were going for here.

Ugh no Charlie is the sister he never had. Ketch taking care of Dean... good but also that wound is not promising.

Okay Cas and Gabe... my baby had better make it through.

Dean recovering, fine... let's move.

Sammy!!!!!!! You're right! Omg. Omg. This is what Sabriel is for. Oh my god.

"Gabriel, I need you."

"Porn stars." Seriously. But this does sum up Sabriel- oooh, is Asmodeus spying through Gabriel perhaps?

Now Dean, you should probably listen to Ketch. You don't have to be vulnerable to him - okay we're going there. I'll accept this. Dean is right, Ketch, you do suck.

"One more time. Bite me." I love you Charlie seriously.

-ooh I haven't seen this Avengers trailer yet I'm so hyped/not ready-

Gabriel omg. My baby, my baby.

Luci, seriously, you're at fault here. "Finding your bliss", right. No amount of self-help stuff is going to help you. Jo is completely right here dude, yaaas Daneel.

I see that Luci still hasn't learned his lesson, and that -Gabe, Chuck, Jo- throw it in his face as soon as they see past the idiocy.

No no no Charlie. YES BOYS

Oh Gabriel how I love you have I mentioned this? I swear Sam and Cas - but hopefully Gabe - will RUIN Colonel Sanders here.

Creeper much?

You will NOT hurt my baby. YES GABE. YOUR WINGS. I AM READY.

yes Charlie you would like your alternate self. I see the fanfics now.

Gabriel leaving... I'm sad but also not surprised. Also a bit angry. I really hoped you'd grown a bit, but fake-sacrifice plus porn stars plus torture does not a better person make. I mean, I'd want out if I just got rescued from endless torture. I'm actually pretty upset about it, to be honest - because I can't blame him, after all this. I would have hoped for maybe a calling card or something, more time in the bunker - well. You're free, at least there's that, I guess.

Cool leaving Ketch behind, but now they either have to grab some Luci grace or convince Gabe to come back. I'm guessing Charlie and Ketch will find Mary and Jack, and now I need Charlie and Jack to be bros.

Dean... god, Jensen with the angst (tm). So I'm assuming a Gabriel hunt coming up? Or something?

I'm still miffed at Gabe, as they retconned his sacrifice which made him so interesting. I'm peeved. But I'll allow it an have a headcanon that he's still keeping secrets and was probably actually dead for a bit with some other bad stories. He's always playing his own long cons so I wouldn't be surprised. Still, I gotta hand it to Speight for being awesome as per usual.

[diminuel]

so I saw the image you drew of mpreg leviathan Cas and Naga Dean post/148809180290/sabriel-trash-replied-to-your-photo and I know it was not intended to be a bump in the previious pic but now I am thinking about what the child would look like. maybe the child would be a n extra long noodle Naga with Cas' tail color or maybe Cas trial and Dean's tail color

Leviathan Cas’ form is something he chose for himself. If he needs to be on land he’ll use legs, if he’s in water he’ll use a tail. So I’m not sure how offspring would look if one parent is a shape shifter. Would it be a charming handful of black goo or would it have a solid form? If it does have a solid form then I guess the kid would take after Dean; normal naga tail that’s useful to move with on land, maybe Cas’ colouration! :DD

[aaronoodle]

Ship Addiction

Friend: Okay, so Supernatural

Me: Yes

Friend: Are there any male characters you don't see as gays?

Me:

Friend:

Me: Zachariah?

Friend: except the ones you hate.

Me: Oh come on, that's just not fair

[waterlilyvioletfog]

Top 3 Supernatural Episodes Per Season

Warning: Spoilers below the cut. I am SUPER biased. Take everything I say with a HEALTHY grain of salt. 

Season 1: omg they look like INFANTS

1. “Home” 1x09. This episode is amaaaaaaaaaaaaazing AND it’s super important to the mytharch AND we get Winchester family drama. One of those early instances of “Wow we need to give Jensen Ackles an emmy like yesterday”. Mary turns up and foreshadows like??? so much??

2. “Scarecrow” 1x11. Super creepy, major “The Lottery” vibes, fuck I just. I love it. 

3. “Hell House” 1x17. Close call between this one and “Something Wicked” but in the end, Harry and Ed and all the hilarity that ensues just. *chef’s kiss* 

Honorable Mentions: “Something Wicked”

Season 2:  ugh so many good episodes season 2 is SO good

1. “The Usual Suspects” 2x07. SAM GETS TO BE SO SNARKY IN THIS EPISODE AND I LOOOOVE IT. Also Diana is a bamf. 

2. “Croatoan” 1x09. UGH YASSSSSSS. Close call between this and “In My Time Of Dying”, though

3. “What is And What Should Never Be” 2x20. Look man, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m cheap as all get out. Dean angst? Gimme gimme. Also it has WYNONNA EARP IN IT.  

Honorable Mentions: “In My Time of Dying”, “Nightshifter” 

Season 3:  half of these episodes suck, the other half are perfect heeeelllppp

1. “Bad Day At Black Rock” 3x03. This episode it just hilarious from start to finish. Also, Bela vs. Dean. 

2. “Mystery Spot” 3x11. A double whammy of HILARIOUS and OH FUCK THIS IS DEPRESSING. 

3. “Jus In Bello” 3x12. It was real hard to decide between this and Ghostfacers but ultimately, Nancy Fitzgerald (aka Ella Lopez) and Victor Henrikson are the actual best and deserve all the love ever.  

Honorable Mentions: “Ghostfacers”, “The Kids Are Alright” 

Season 4: Somehow there is only one episode that is not stunningly amazing?? 

1: “On the Head of A Pin” 4x16. Cas becomes a main character and it is AMAZING and oh my god give Jensen ALL the emmys oh and ALSO we finally learn exactly what Sam and Ruby’s “extracurricular activities” entail. Feels like a movie. We get the reveal that the angels are working to break the seals. Anna is also amazing. Why is this episode so beautiful. I’m fucking crying and so is Dean. I could gush for hours. 

2. “It’s a Terrible Life” 4x17. This episode is just a fucking delight. (Am I giving it such a high score on the basis of The Kink’s “Well Respected Man” alone? Maybe. Honestly I SHOULD be putting Rapture here but oh well. I’m biased.) 

3. “Monster Movie” 4x05. It was hard to decide between this “In the Beginning” “Lazarus Rising” “The Rapture” and “Lucifer Rising” (which all deserve all the praise ever) but ugh ugh ugh this episode is ALSO perfect AND I love it a bajillion. It’s in black and white and the guest actress is SO pretty and also I think I’ve already gone into detail about how the MoTW is a Lucifer Parallel. Also Dean says he’s been rehymenated so TRANS!DEAN RIGHTS! 

Honorable Mentions: “In The Beginning” “Lazarus Rising” “Lucifer Rising” “The Rapture” 

Season 5: You want to be sad? You also want to watch really good TV? SEASON FIVE IS WHERE IT’S AT! 

1. “Two Minutes To Midnight” 5x21. I know, I know. I should be putting “Swan Song” here but look,, I am easily bought with the promise of Julian Richings as Death. 

2. “Free To Be You And Me” 5x03. Funny Destiel buddy cop film, Sam gets to be filtered through the eyes of an audience-stand-in in universe, also contains Castiel’s ICONIC line “but today you’re MY little bitch”. 

3. “Dark Side of The Moon” 5x16. Narrowly beats out “My Bloody Valentine”, “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid”, and “The Song Remains The Same”. I am trash for any pieces of Sam and Dean’s childhoods and also this episode gives me SO MUCH material for beating up John with a baseball bat. 

Honorable Mentions: “Swan Song” “My Bloody Valentine” “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid” “The Song Remains The Same” “The End” 

Season 6: We Don’t Talk About Season Six. 

1. “The Man Who Would Be King” 6x20. Cas. Destiel. Ow. 

2. “Mommy Dearest” 6x19. Eve! Sam Smith! idk, I just really like it.

3. “Appointment In Samarra” 6x11. As I said, I am easily bought with Julian Richings. Tessa the Reaper!!! Sam stop trying to murder your father. 

Honorable Mentions: “You Can’t Handle The Truth” “My Heart Will Go On” “Weekend At Bobby’s”

Season 7:  Terrible reputation given the fact that it has SO many great episodes. Sera Gamble? You’re mean. 

1. “Slash Fiction” 7x06. Why is this episode so hilarious???? Robbie Thompson starting out with a BANG!

2. “Plucky Pennywhistle’s Magical Menagerie” 7x14. In the total goop of “thick. black. ooze.” of this season, 7x14 is a light in the darkness. Every inkling of joy, of spark, of color, of childishness, all of it, poured out into this one episode, wherein Sam totally loses his cool and I love it. Sam looks so pretty at the end. Dean is simultaneously an actual child and an actual Dad and I love it. 

3. “Out With The Old” 7x16. I love me some levis, man, don’t know what to tell you. It’s just so fun!!

Honorable Mentions: All of Robbie’s episodes, “Hello, Cruel World” “Repo Man” “Reading Is Fundamental” “How To Win Friends And Influence Monsters” 

(The ONLY reason I’m not including TBAI is bc @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs is slowly converting me to hating Megstiel enough to not watch Destiel episodes) 

Season 8: That one season where we admitted that Crowley’s a DICK. 

1. “Hunteri Heroici” 8x08. CAAAAS!!! Also the only episode where anyone watching actually gives a shit about the Sam x Amelia flashbacks. 

2. “LARP And The Real Girl” 8x11. Super fun! CHARLIE RETURNS. Dean is a FUCKING NERD. Sam gets flirted with :) Real close tie between this one and Pac-Man Fever

3. “The Great Escapist” 8x20. Edlund really gave it his all for this last episode. Cas kicks SO much ass. Sam needs to be protected at ALL costs. Kevin ALSO kicks SO much ass. The actor who plays Sweet Pea on Riverdale is here??? Wow.  

Honorable Mentions: “Pac-Man Fever” “As Time Goes By” “Everyone Hates Hitler” “Trial And Error” 

(See note on The Born-Again Identity for why Goodbye Stranger is not on this list. Again, blame @mad-as-a-box-of-frogs )

Season 9: Sam is mad at Dean for not letting him go

1. “First Born” 9x11. No, I will not elaborate. Tim Omundson speaks for himself. There is nothing wrong with this entire episode and if you try to tell me there is I can and will gut you like a fish. 

2. “Heaven Can’t Wait” 9x06. DESTIELLLLLLLLLLLL. 

3. “Do You Believe In Miracles?” 9x23. Wow it’s the first Season Finale to make it to my top 3!! Metatron gets what’s coming, DEAN BECOMES A FUCKING DEMON. 

Honorable Mentions: “Bad Boys” “Mother’s Little Helper” “Alex Annie Alexis Ann” “Meta Fiction”

Season 10:  Dean is mad at Sam for not letting him go

1. “The Executioner’s Song” 10x14. See my comments on “First Born”. 

2. “Angel Heart” 10x20. BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY. DESTIEL. JIMMY X AMELIA. COOL UNCLE SAMMY. DEAN IS A NERD. DEAN IS CLAIRE’S DAD NOW SORRY NO TAKE BACKS. (also, “blue eyes crying” is just ugh ugh ugh)

3. “The Werther Project” 10x18. SAMWITCH RISE!!!!!!!!!!! 

Honorable Mentions: “Hibbing 911″ “The Prisoner” “The Things We Left Behind” 

Season 11: Ahh, yes. You. Lucifer. Get fucked. 

1. “Don’t Call Me Shurley” 11x20. *slow clap* Robbie Thompson, you have served your country well. 

2. “Red Meat” 11x17. This is gonna sound strange, but this episode is sorta my comfort food?? I’ve watched it literally so many times. I love it. So much. 

3. “The Chitters” 11x19. Nancy Won wrote three episodes for SPN, all in season 11, they are all stellar. Chitters is GAY. She also wrote “Don’t You Forget About Me” and “Thin Lizzie” I’m putting them here so as not to crowd up the Honorable Mentions.

Honorable Mentions: “The Vessel” “Devil In the Details” “We Happy Few” “Baby” “Form And Void” “Into the Mystic” honestly just watch every non-bucklemming episode they are pretty much all amazing. 

Season 12: I WILL DEFEND MARY WITH MY LIFE DON’T @ ME 

1. “The Future” 12x19. DESTIEL. I would die for Kelly. Fetus!Jack. GOODBYE DAGON!! THE MIXTAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. “Who We Are” 12x22. JUST KILL ME WHY DON’T YOU, BOBO?! WE ALL KNOW YOU WANT TO. 

3. “Stuck In the Middle (With You)” 12x12. Destiel love confession!!!!!! Drowley!! Mary will fight everyone willingly!! SAM GETS THE ORANGE JACKET

Honorable Mentions: Every. Single. Non-BL. Episode. Watch. Them. Now. 

Season 13: JAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!! 

1. “Advanced Thanatology” 13x05. *inhales deeply* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Also, Steppenwolf. 

2. “Beat the Devil” 13x21. DICK JOKES GALORE. Also, we must protect Sam at all costs. Gabena is perfect. Samwitch is also perfect. Sabriel is also good. Lucifer can go fuck himself. 

3. “Breakdown” 13x11. It physically pains me not to put “Funeralia” here but alas, I must not show Steve Yockey too much favoritism. Anyways. DONNA!!! DOUG!! CREEPY!!! SAM’S HEART IS WORTH SO MUCH MONEY!! GIVE SAMMY A HUG!!

Honorable Mentions: “The Scorpion And The Frog” “Funeralia” “The Thing” “The Bad Place” “The Big Empty” “Lost And Found” 

Season 14: 

 1. “Moriah” 14x20. Proof that Supernatural will go down in history as ALMIGHTY. GOD IS THE ULTIMATE VILLAIN.

2. “Peace of Mind” 14x15. I still haven’t recovered. Jared must have had literally all the fun in the world. 

3. “Mint Condition” 14x04. Yay!! Very fun!!! (I wanted to put Optimism here, but again, I can’t show Yockey so much favoritism. It’s not my fault! he’s too good!!) 

Honorable Mentions: “Optimism” “Ouroboros” “Unhuman Nature” “Byzantium” “Damaged Goods”

[that0nefangirl12]

Introduction

Welcome to my blog everyone! Honestly, this whole things been a higgeldy, piggeldy mess ever since I made my account, so I thought I'd try to organise things by introducing myself to Tumblr!

About Me:

-Major Introvert

-Spends most of my time wearing a hoodie

-Slytherin and proud

-My patronus is a donkey (yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds)

-I love to write, draw and come up with my own original characters

-I stay up most nights working on writing, because my ideas won't let me settle down

-I love reading and writing angst

Fandom Related Stuffs:

-Im currently part of the Warrior Cats, Wings of Fire, Harry Potter, Supernatural, My Little Pony and Sanders Sides fandoms

-I have been known the Velociraptor screech and yell a lot, when it comes to those fandoms.

-I grow very attached to my favourite characters.

-When I hate a character, I hate them with a burning passion

-I am shipper trash. Present me with enough hints to keep me screaming and wholesome fan content, and I guarantee you I'll be shipping it by the end of the week

-Some of my favourite characters include Scourge, Peril, Charlie, Jack, Hollyleaf, Ivypool, Princess Luna, Tempest Shadow, Luna Lovegood, The Basilisk, Appledusk, Goose feather, Spottedleaf, Virgil and Roman.

-Some of my least favourite characters are Firestar, Michel, Chuck, Mr Ketch and Dovewing

-And some of my favourite ships (ships that I will squeal over at any time) are Destiel, Sabriel, Fluttercord, Tempestlight, MapleMyler, ReedFreckle, Logicality and Prinxiety

What to Expect:

-I reblog a lot of amazing fan art, fan theories, fanfics and other fan content

-I also enjoy creating my own characters, drawing, and writing my own stories.

-Some of these things have already been posted to Tumblr, but now they're all in the one place.

-I want to do some posts discussing my fave characters, ships and fandoms, sharing my experiences, and telling how I learnt about these things. I think it could be fun! 😀

Anyway, feel free to ask questions, discuss characters, ask me if I ship anything else(I'm a major multishipper) or just discuss fan creations. I am open for discussions, as long as everyone is civil.

[unityghost]

Utility

Part 13 of my angstalicious series Post-Asmodeus Sabriel Feels. Finals are over and I have a holiday installment coming up, then a bunch of prompts. Time to be Author McBitch.

Daytime was getting to be more manageable. But Gabriel’s patience wore thin as the nightmares continued to harass him almost every time he closed his eyes, more than half a year since he’d come to stay with Sam and Dean at the bunker.

Gabriel had been so sure that as his grace gradually returned – a process still ongoing – and he needed less and less sleep to function properly, the bad dreams would become shorter. Less vivid.

But almost every night, they did what they had since his rescue: broken up his sleep, made him need more sleep, and ultimately hindered the replenishment of his grace.

Practice made it easier to keep from disturbing other people – people who had already done too much to try to hold him in one piece. He grew accustomed to waiting out the rest of the night alone. It was now almost instinctual to lie in bed instead of collapsing to the floor, to roll over and throw up into the trash can instead of on himself, to wait patiently for any impending abuse instead of trying to fight back.

But sometimes Gabriel wasn’t successful: he would succumb to a fit of panic, sobbing for help; he would vomit all over the sheets; he would grew desperate enough that he ran out of his room and stumbled over his own feet, pitching to the floor and inevitably waking someone up.

Castiel was usually the first to notice Gabriel’s distress, since he was the only one among them that required no sleep at all. He never reacted with alarm or confusion, and never asked questions. Instead, he simply did what he could to get Gabriel through the worst of it: sitting with him, quietly insisting that he was no longer in danger, holding him steady while he got sick, remaining patient as Gabriel gave in to memories that refused to remain memories.

Gabriel appreciated his brother’s assistance. In those moments of terror, he was grateful for a reassuring presence.

Still, it was no secret to any of them that Gabriel had an extreme preference for Sam.

It was Sam who had coaxed him out of insanity shortly following his rescue. Sam had seen him at his worst, worse than what the others thought was the ugliest he could get. Whereas Castiel, too, had witnessed the immediate aftermath of Gabriel’s liberation, Sam had been the one to press on Gabriel’s vulnerabilities just hard enough to show that he knew where they were, but not with enough force to increase the pain.

Gabriel had responded with the first of many violent seizures of fear and sickness, and Sam didn’t leave. Nor did he squirm or look away. He did what he could to make touch seem a little less damning, to furnish at least the illusion of safety.

So at this point, especially now that this same process had taken place at least once every couple of weeks since that first episode of self-debasement, Sam was the only one Gabriel really wanted nearby in the fallout of a nightmare. It helped to have someone else, anyone else, because of course the alternative was being alone; but having Sam there was different from not having Sam there.

So there were times when Gabriel could cope by himself, and times when he was compelled to seek assistance.

And then there were times when the source of help absolutely had to be Sam.

Tonight, the dream dragged on for a long while before Gabriel woke up. When he did, the darkness felt thick, warm, and sour. Images from the dream clattered through his mind in pieces and he strove to identify exactly what it was that had caused him to feel so …

In fact, he wasn’t sure what he was feeling. His reaction to the dream, like the dream itself, took some organization. In any case, he was sweaty and trembling.

Then, as if in sync with his wild heartbeat, pictures and voices began to come together.

“He’s right here.” Gabriel recognized Dean’s voice.

“Where’s Sam?” Gabriel. That was Gabriel.

“Just hold him down, Dean.” Castiel. “He won’t fight.”

The floor of the hall was slippery, so that Gabriel couldn’t stand without struggling and was unable to focus on anything other than maintaining his balance. He had no way of knowing how close the voices were.

He slipped, spilling onto the floor.

Gabriel shivered. He no longer tried to recall the nightmare; he was now powerless to slow its return.

“Dean, are you sure we should be following these orders? I don’t want to give in to Asmodeus if I can help it.”

“We tried, Cas. Gabriel’s a pain. I told you that. He’s taking too long.”

“Well, I suppose at least Asmodeus will find him useful.”

Gabriel tried to get up from the floor but was pushed back down – not violently, but firmly – and recognized the pressure and tightness of the hands as Dean’s.

“What are you doing to me?” Gabriel screamed. “Please, please, get Sam!”

A knife through his back, pinning him down, forcing his breath away, stinging as he flailed and choked.

“Asmodeus told me this trick always worked. Come on, Cas. Let’s go see if he’s ready yet.”

Gabriel tried to speak, tried to ask what Asmodeus was ready for, but managed only a whisper and lost more breath.

Gabriel sat up in bed, trying to shut out the rest. But it flooded him.

Taking quick, shallow breaths, Gabriel leapt out of bed and, only half-aware of what he was doing, sprinted to the door.

After that nightmare – images of which still crawled through his conscience – Gabriel felt that he had no dignity to sacrifice, not when he’d just been locked to the floor with a knife through his spine, waiting for Asmodeus to drag him back to Hell.

Gabriel didn’t care what happened next. He only knew he couldn’t remain lying prostrate in the hall, stabbed and suffocated by people he had thought - foolishly - he might be able to trust.

Do you trust Sam? he asked himself, and the answer was a mess. He did trust Sam, but felt that he shouldn’t; and yet he didn’t trust Sam, even as he desperately wanted to. He was sure now that Sam would never intend to cause him harm, but he was also convinced that Sam didn’t have the grit to keep helping him.

And this - was this a mistake? Running to Sam in the dead of night, risking punishment and further humiliation?

Instinct overrode analysis.

Gabriel didn’t even pause to knock on the door. Immediately, Sam switched on the bedside lamp, gun raised and aimed directly at Gabriel. Perhaps Gabriel should have expected it. Even so, he threw his arms over his face and stumbled backwards.

He heard the weapon being lain on the bedside table, and then Sam climbing out of bed and moving towards him.

Sam pried Gabriel’s arms away from his face. “Hey hey hey, I just didn’t know it was you. You’re all right.”

The gun had given Gabriel such a shock that he now shook hard enough to make standing a challenge. He thought again of falling to the floor before Dean shoved him into submission.

“Sorry,” Sam said, bracing both hands on either of Gabriel’s shoulders. “I’m sorry; I left because you fell asleep.”

Sam had taken to staying with Gabriel until Gabriel was no longer awake. Sam had been the one to suggest it, and while Gabriel had initially scoffed and reminded Sam that as long as he was playing nursemaid, Gabriel was never going to regain even a fragment of his former self, he didn’t try to argue a second time.

Now, Sam guided Gabriel to the bed and helped him sit. “You look pretty riled up.”

“Yeah, I …I’m sorry, Sam; I couldn’t help it.”

“No, don’t worry. You’re okay now. It’s all over. Oh, hang on - ” He went to the closet and brought back a plastic bucket, which he placed in front of the bed. “Figured it was better to keep on hand than the trash. Just, you know, if you need it.”

Gabriel blinked at the bucket. “You have bigger things to worry about. But I guess there’s less chance of me puking all over your bed.”

Sam took a seat beside him. “Tell me what’s up.”

.Gabriel lowered his gaze to his lap. “Stupid nightmares being stupid.”

“I figured. The usual? Or something new?” Sam knew that there was no shortage of fresh material.

Gabriel’s flesh crawled as the dream broke through once more. “I’ve never had this one.”

“Must’ve been pretty bad.”

“It - yeah.” He tried to meet Sam’s eyes and immediately looked away again. “Your brother. And my brother. They - they, uh - ”

“You don’t have to tell me if you feel like you can’t.”

“No, I’m fine.” Gabriel steeled himself. At this point he had settled down just enough to feel embarrassed. The least he could do was give Sam an explanation for why he had intruded upon his much-needed sleep. “Dean and Cas rammed a knife through my back so that Asmodeus could get to me. I was held in place - on the floor - like it was a stake or something. Left me feeling a little …” His throat tightened. “I mean, I woke up and you were the only safe person left.”

Sam rested a hand on Gabriel’s back. “I’m here. You wanna lie down?”

Gabriel shook his head. “Might fall asleep. I’d rather stay awake and pity myself than listen to Dean and Castiel talk about how hopeless I am.”

Sam frowned, letting his hand slide off. “Is that why Asmodeus was coming back for you? Because Dean and Cas decided you were a lost cause?”

Gabriel grimaced. “You put the pieces together fast, don’t you? Yeah. That was why. They said they’d tried to help me but it didn’t work, and Asmodeus would at least find me - ”

But the word froze on his tongue.

“Would find you what?” asked Sam.

Gabriel pulled his knees up to his chest. “‘Useful.’”

Sam seemed unsurprised. “You don’t have to be useful. In any case, you’ve been great with the translations. But we wouldn’t give you back to Asmodeus. Of course we wouldn’t. We’d rather keep you here.”

“That’s nice of you,” Gabriel muttered. “I - I just - if I’m, you know, expendable, then why should I stick around?”

“‘Stick around’?” Sam sounded wary.

“Stick around in the bunker, I mean,” Gabriel clarified, because he knew that if he said what he really meant then the conversation would shift course. “You could throw me away any time you want. I mean, look, it scares the everliving shit out of me, but when I really consider the big picture, Dean and Cas weren’t actually incorrect. Not saying you’d feed me to Asmodeus - just making note of the fact that I was useful to him and now I … I’m not useful to anyone.”

Sam stared at him in disbelief. “You don’t have to be useful to be worth something.” He thought for a moment, then added, “People pay out the ass just to be able to put sparkly rocks on the shelf. And what good to they do? People just want to have them there.”

Gabriel gave a hollow laugh. “I’m pretty sure I’m just your standard boulder. The kind you trip over. The kind with bugs crawling around underneath.”

“Okay, well, giving bugs somewhere to live is way more helpful than just looking pretty.”

“Sam …” Gabriel tried to take a deep breath and found he couldn’t. “It isn’t being useful that matters. It’s that being useful is the only thing that makes me matter.”

Sam looked distressed. “Don’t say things like - ”

“Grace. I’m good for my grace.” Gabriel felt his throat tighten and coughed to clear it. “So long as I’m here, just waking up to throw a fit, I don’tmatter, okay? And when I was with him,” Gabriel plowed on as Sam opened his mouth, “I wasn’t anything; I was … I was nothing. But I mattered. Because I could supply something that mattered. And now …” He swallowed. “Now I can’t even do that.”

“Gabe, come on.”

“Can’t think of a solid excuse for that one, can you? Good. This is just how things are, Sam. I’m worth my grace and I barely have enough to heal a bruise. Or maybe I’m good for a fight here and there, or - or whatever anyone wants to do with me, you know? Lay me down, play their games - I’m useful for that.”

Sam looked nauseated. “Gabriel, stop.”

Gabriel raked his hands through his hair. It felt greasy. Sam was right; he needed to clean himself up. “Sometimes I think it’d make sense. Scares me, but you guys might as well ship me off somewhere I actually have a purpose.”

“Gabriel, don’t. Please.” Sam gripped his shoulder. “You’re in a bad place and you need to get better. This isn’t the time for you to be useful, okay? This is a time for you to listen. So listen to me. What if it were Cas? What if he was in pain and told you he thought we should only keep him around for servitude?”

Gabriel shook his head. “I’m not trying to tell you I don’t appreciate all the TLC. I’m just saying that the dream hurt, but it wasn’t wrong.”

Sam tightened his grasp. “I don’t understand why you’re putting yourself through more abuse.”

Gabriel shrugged, half-expecting Sam to let go of his shoulder. When he held on, Gabriel looked up at him. “I know what I’m good for. And at the moment I’m good for bulking up your daycare resume. I still think you’re going to learn the hard way that you’re spending time on a project that can’t be finished. But if working on it right now makes you happy, then … well, I’m glad to be a part of that.”

“Jesus Christ, Gabriel.” This time Sam did release him. “Come on. Don’t hurt yourself like that. Here, lie down for a second; you can just - ”

Gabriel recoiled. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not.” The sensation of the knife through his back sullied the security of Sam’s presence.

“All right.” Sam spoke softly. “But you know none of this is real, don’t you? You know Dean and Cas would never do something like that, right? And Asmodeus is dead, but even if he did try to take you, we’d put up a good fight. He’s not getting anywhere near you. Mostly because he’s gone, but also because even if he wasn’t, we’d keep you safe.”

Despite Sam’s words, Gabriel began to shiver more forcefully. “But what if - ”

“No. There’s no ‘what if.’”

“If they - I think - ” He drew a shaky breath and looked up at Sam. “If Dean or Castiel decided they’d had more than their fair share of a psychotic archangel, that’s their right. They never said anything about wanting me. But if - if you - ”

“Don’t.”

“If you were the one to shove a knife through me - ”

“I said don’t!”

“I’d never tell you you shouldn’t, but - ”

“You don’t have to tell me! We’ve been through this; I’m not gonna throw you onto the streets or into the pit just because you’re not at a hundred percent right now! What, you think Dean and Cas should’ve done that to me?”

“No!” The thought was enough to turn Gabriel’s stomach. “But that’s different. You guys are family. You’re family in a way that even Cas and I aren’t.”

“But Cas cares about you. So does Dean. And Jack. And you’ve made it clear that you think I shouldn’t care, but I do. Quit waiting for the other shoe to drop. Gabriel, your job isn’t to stand sentry until one of us gets fed up; it’s to leave Asmodeus behind and start trusting us when we say you shouldn’t have been tortured. None of us wants to see you like this, and all of us want you to get better. For your sake, not ours.”

Gabriel shifted his eyes once more to his lap, not sure how to respond. Finally, he managed to say, “This is a no-win situation. I don’t heal, I mooch off of you guys. I get better, it’s time for me to go.”

“What? Who told you that?”

“Just makes sense.”

“We’re not getting rid of you.”

“No, it’s okay; you should. I don’t mind; I just …” He curled his hands into fists, and felt a tear spill down his cheek. “All right. I mind. But - I also understand.”

“Dude, will you stop making plans for us? You can stay as long as you want.”

Gabriel lowered his head further, trying to shield his face, sick of crying in front of Sam. “I feel like - like I’ve got to prepare myself.”

He felt Sam shift closer. “You spent over eight hundred years with Asmodeus, preparing yourself for his next move. Don’t you think you deserve a little time to relax?”

Gabriel choked on a muffled sob. It was as though he still lacked autonomy, as though everything he’d faced was still trying to wrestle itself out of him and the desperate ferocity of its efforts kept Gabriel himself from getting free.

He swiped at his face with the heels of his hands. “I think you and your brother should train me to control myself.”

“It’s okay,” Sam said quietly. “You know you’re allowed to show me what’s going on.”

“And you’re allowed to mix ectoplasm into a milkshake, but that doesn’t make it a good idea.” He straightened up and looked at Sam. “We both need this to end. Sooner or later it’s just going to get worse. Habits are hard to break, and I can’t say I’m proud of losing my shit every time we’re in the same room.”

“Take it easy. Now’s not the time to worry about saving face.” He touched Gabriel’s arm. “You’re sick, Gabriel. When you’re sick you’re not supposed to care what other people think. All you need to do is rest up and let us take care of you.”

Almost unaware of what he was doing, Gabriel seized Sam’s hand. “Don’t say things like that.”

“Why not?”

“‘Cause it hurts, man. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m scared I’m gonna mess up and change your mind.”

“What could you possibly do to mess up that bad?”

Gabriel clutched Sam’s hand, feeling stupid but desperate. “Like this. Waking up and harassing you. Clinging to you like a squid. Spilling my guts when you have your own memories to deal with. The Cage, and … and whatever you haven’t told me. I know that some of what I say to you hits close to home, Sam. And eventually it’s going to be too much.”

Sam squeezed back. “No, that’s not going to happen. I’ve had time to handle my own crap. Besides, the more I know what it’s like, the more I want to help. You aren’t making anything worse.”

“But Dean said - ” Gabriel hesitated. “Dean said you get like me. That’s got to make it hard to drag yourself through everything I tell you. Everything you have to watch.”

Sam looked discomfited. “Dean told you that? I wish he hadn’t. Uh - yeah, I have the occasional bad day. But - you know - even the worst aren’t what they used to be. Not as often. Not as intense. I promise you aren’t making things more difficult than they need to be.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well, I still promise.”

Gabriel stared down at Sam’s hand, big enough to swallow up his own. “You think Dean would ever go for that? You know, if I did something to really bug him?”

Sam’s eyes widened in horror. “What? Pin you to the floor with a knife?”

“He’s not as patient as you are. I could see him giving me up if the opportunity arose.”

“My brother would never do something like that! Even if he tried - he won’t, but supposing he did - you think I’d just step aside and let it happen?”

A tear splashed onto Sam’s knuckles. “I hope not.”

“Gabriel, please don’t worry so much. It’s bad for you. It’s not gonna help.”

Gabriel didn’t say anything, just focused on the knot in his throat and tried to keep his breathing under control.

“And neither is that,” Sam added.

Gabriel glanced up. “Hmm?”

“How come you’re still so squeamish about me seeing you get upset?”

The question took Gabriel by surprise. “I’m not squeamish. I just don’t want to make it more of a habit than it already is.” Gabriel glanced at the clock. 4:32. “You should go to sleep, Sam. I’ll be okay. I just wanted to see you because I was freaking out.”

“Why don’t I come back to your room?” Sam suggested.

Gabriel climbed off the mattress. “No. I’m gonna … I don’t know. I’ll find something to do.”

“I kind of feel like you’re not done,” Sam replied.

“What?”

“Just … it seems like this is still bothering you.”

“I - ” Gabriel’s chest tightened as he looked at Sam.

Sam met his gaze, brow furrowed in concern.

“Son of a bitch,” Gabriel whispered, and broke into a quiet fit of sobbing.

“Okay,” Sam said softly. “It’s okay. Come here.”

Gabriel didn’t move, caught halfway between wanting to sacrifice control entirely and wanting to run out of the room.

“Are you afraid of me touching you?” Sam asked.

Gabriel shook his head.

“Then why don’t you want to come sit?”

Gabriel didn’t respond, only stood in place, head bent, striving for some semblance of dignity.

It was late. Or early. In any case, the wrong hour for getting worked up like this.

“Gabriel, what can I do?” Sam pressed.

Still avoiding Sam’s eyes, Gabriel croaked, “This is dumb. The guilt is making everything worse. You’re tired, I’m tired - ”

“I’m not that tired.”

“Shut up; it’s almost 5:00 A.M.”

“Well, I’m awake now. And besides, I’m used to sleeping two or three hours at a time.” He paused. “I feel like we’re not finished talking, though. Your whole thing about” - he used air quotations - “‘being useful’?”

Gabriel remained silent.

“I know what it feels like,” Sam continued. “I was never good for just being me. I was good for hunting.”

Gabriel scrubbed at his face with his sleeve. “Your old man feed you that BS?”

“Yeah. And it still rings true.”

“Jesus Christ Sam, no.”

“It does. And Cas feels that way now and again as well. He’s lost his grace more than once, and when he was human he worried about not being good enough.”

“My brother worried about that? Why? You guys wouldn’t care about his grace; he’s special to you.”

“You’re right. We tried telling him that, but I don’t think he was ever fully convinced. The point is that we wanted him here, and we want you here too.” Sam smiled. “We like you.”

“Pfft. That’s nice.”

“No, I mean it. Can’t you tell?”

Gabriel shrugged.

“Who asked you to be useful, Gabe?” Sam continued. “We just want to see you heal up. And after that, you can decide whether you want to stick around. It’d be good to have you. Even if you make the choice to move on, you’d at least have to come hang out once in a while.”

For a few moments, Gabriel didn’t speak. When he did, he chose his words carefully. “You really seem to believe you aren’t going to change your mind. I … the truth is there have been times when I thought maybe I was worrying too much. But I don’t want to tempt myself with that, because the risk of being disappointed is too big. Better to just arm myself now. Otherwise, I think I might end up catatonic.”

“There’s no use in getting ready for something that won’t happen.”

“And if it does?” Gabriel crossed his arms, folding himself in, an old reflex that was hard to abandon. “I’m not saying it will, but the fact that it might is more than enough incentive for me to start stocking up on resilience.”

Sam sighed. “Okay. I don’t think I can make you believe me. Suppose I shouldn’t be surprised.” He scratched at the back of his neck. “Just wish you’d learn that not all of us are Asmodeus.”

Gabriel hadn't expected those words. “I don’t think that.”

“Well, maybe not that exactly, but the shit he put you through, the way he taught you to raise your defenses - it stuck. And it’s hard for me to unstick.”

“It’s not your responsibility to unstick it,” Gabriel reminded him.

Sam got to his feet. “No, but you need to shake it off. Look, whether or not I change my mind about any of this - you have to change your mind. I think you have to start telling yourself that it’ll be okay. I know that sounds like it won’t help but - ”

“Positive … self … talk,” Gabriel said, pretending to take notes. “Thanks, Oprah.”

“You could at least do a trial run.”

Gabriel groaned, battling the early sting of a headache. “His voice is too loud.”

“I know.”

“How am I supposed to shut it out?”

“I guess you just practice.”

“That ever work for you?”

Sam had to consider this for a moment. “Yeah. I guess I didn’t notice until now, but I think it’s made a difference.”

“Huh.”

“So you have all these feelings that you’re worthless, and that you’re a mess. You told me once you thought Asmodeus was right to torment you like he did.”

“I remember,” Gabriel muttered. Some time ago, Sam had taken him out for a trip to the local diner, during which time Dean had called to ask about an error in Gabriel’s translation of a Men of Letters text. Gabriel was so horrified by his mistake that he’d told Sam he was sure Asmodeus had done the right thing.

“And you have it in your head,” Sam went on, “That we should all just cut you out of our lives because you’re annoying and hopeless.”

Gabriel smiled wryly. “You’ve been listening.”

“So tell yourself exactly the opposite. It sucks, it’s hard, but Asmodeus is the one who’s annoying. Shut him up.”

Gabriel bit his lip. “The problem is that I think he might be onto something. ”

“He’s not. Make him stop talking. He did it to you, remember?”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “No Sam, I forgot.”

“Let him see what it’s like. Whenever that voice tries to tell you something about who you are, or what you deserve …” Sam gave a knowing smile. “Pull out that needle and thread.”

Gabriel pictured it, anticipating revulsion - but the image gave him grim satisfaction. “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll test it out.”

“Good.” Sam stretched, then asked, “How do you feel about grabbing some coffee so that we can both function like normal humans?”

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. “Humans, huh?”

Sam looked embarrassed. “I meant …”

“I know what you meant. It’s fine. Sooner or later you won’t ever be tempted to make that mistake again.”

“You want a hug?”

Gabriel blinked. “I’m sorry, what? Where did that come from?”

“I just figured I’d ask.”

“When and why did you decide this?”

“If you don’t think - ”

“Shut up, I didn’t say no. Just give me a little warning next time.” He wrapped his arms around Sam, holding tightly. Sam returned the embrace.

“Sorry I’m so difficult,” Gabriel muttered, still clinging to him. “And you don’t need to say I’m not; I know that I am. It’s okay. I know this must be rough on you. So as guilty as I feel, I still appreciate you not giving up on me.”

“Yeah, of course.” Sam pulled away to meet Gabriel’s eyes. “I wouldn’t do that. And I think what you meant to say is that the circumstances are difficult.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, you’re more than just your hunting abilities.”

“And you’re more than however much grace you can supply. Let’s go get some coffee. If anything'll boost your grace levels, it’s that Starbucks stuff Dean splurged on.”

Part of Gabriel wanted to protest that partaking of their expensive coffee would be unfair, that he didn’t deserve it. But then he remembered what Sam had said to him - remembered that Gabriel had told Sam he would try and put it into practice.

I deserve the stupid coffee, he thought, feeling self-conscious.

There. He’d fulfilled his promise to Sam. At least he was useful for that much.