#i am physically and emotionally drained
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hi, i’m deleting this app.
#taking a break from socials#i am physically and emotionally drained#the thought that an entire ethnicity is being wiped out right now and a majority of the world doesn’t seem to care#i’m tired#and if this is how i feel imagine the palestinians that are living this reality#the last thing i’ll upload today is the video about sjm#goodbye#see you in a month or so#free palestine#from the river to the sea palestine will be free
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sol are you okay
yeah I'm fine
#the truth is#i am barely holding it all together#and i will admit that life lately has been emotionally and physically draining#where i wonder all day if i could even survived a week without thinking of giving up. the way that life is unfair and cruel at the same time#where did i go wrong?#its all just#too much
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(spoilers up to orv chapter 270) (sort of?)
you ever just kinda. suddenly realise what you're listening to
#omniscient reader's viewpoint#omniscent reader#orv spoilers#orv#kim dokja#yoo joonghyuk#art i made#the first hyperlink is to the song on youtube the second one is to my translation btw#that caption was not an exaggeration i was deadass like walking back from class with my spotify on shuffle and kinda like#tuned back in to what was playing in my ears and just had a kinda. HOLD UP WAIT A FUCKIN SECOND#honestly the whole song is kinda yjh if you squint and like for what its worth literally the only reason this is tied to like#that scene from 269 specifically is bc i literally just read that part today so it was really fresh in my brain#god the process of making this was so strange too bc i did it in almost one sitting except i had a fuckin SPORTS EVENT of all things#in the evening so it was like. 3 hours straight of doing this 2 hours of playing sportsball of all things then another 3 hours of this#so now i am physically mentally AND emotionally drained! genuinely couldntve had a more exhausting consecutive 8 hours if i tried#btw fun fact in the spirit of like. making life easier for myself all of yjh's flashback frames or whatever are webtoon panel redraws#except for that last one obviously cuz the webtoon isnt there yet (which. wow the processing of drawing that was. very painful)#but its like. I AM THE WAY THAT I AM if given the chance to draw to my knowledge one of the most tragic moments from the story I WILL DO IT#ok looking back theres a bunch of editing errors but also i just. really need to go do my ACTUAL FUCKIN WORK LMAO#god my arm hurts#hmmm i might clean up that 10 scenario sketch later on. i kinda like how the wings turned out#and also kdj's dipshit expression.
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I was in a car for 14 hours because, if anyone is unaware, I recently became aware of the fact that the man who was my father in everything but blood passed away in 2020. I am NC with that side of the family, and for my own physical and emotional safety, I had to cut everyone off. I couldn't chance reaching out and leaving a trail for my abusersers to follow. Not when I already had to change my number three times and move four times just to ensure they couldn't find me.
That didn't mean I couldn't visit his grave, though, and I did. It was. Hard. Seeing his grave made it real. Up until that point, I could tell myself it was a trick or it was the wrong man, until I saw that grave.
But, I spent 14 hours in a car, had to see the grave of someone I loved. Perhaps the only family member on that side I still loved at all. And now I'm once more stuck in insomnia. It's been, 30hours no sleep because my body can't handle stress in any capacity and is now throwing a full blown tantrum.
There's not much of a point to this post. I'm not aiming to garner sympathy or pity. I just needed to talk about it even if no one sees it. I don't like to talk about my issues to people close to me, I don't like to complain. Sometimes, it's easier to let these things out when I'm hiding behind a fake name and a fake face.
#tw: death#death#family death#loss of a loved one#tw: abuse#abuse#tw: child abuse#child abuse#its hinted at least#ill cover all my bases#im like three minutes from a full breakdown#im so tired#not just physically#im tired emotionally and mentally too#just#utterly drained#i really am not looking for pity or sympathy#this isnt even the first death in my life#but it was the most important one#he....was so much to me#honestly most of the time i think he was the only adult in my life that actually loved ME for who i was#he was my safe person i trusted him wo much even when i had been trained by my family's behavior to never trust anyone#he was so good and kind and genuine and wonderful#and ill never get the chance to speak to him again because hes gone#and ill have to live with the guilt of knowing I put that rift between us. im the reason i never got to say goodbye.#im the reason i didnt know he was dead. and i have to live with the guilt of knowing if i was given a second chance id do it all over again#because at the end of the day im always going to value my own mental and physical health over anything else. and thats not going to change#but fuck if i dont wish i couldve sent him a letter or an email or something. he died not even knowing if i was alive or suffering#he deserved so much more than what i left him with. and ill never get a chance to make it right now.
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Life threw one of the meanest curve brick at my head recently so I do my best to get back on my feet and sunday night was gorilla therapy ╮（╯＿╰）╭
#gorilla#monkey#ape#goblin#doodles#allsaasart#goblinsona#sona#shroom#also i will be fine please dont worry it was rough but i am fine physically just mentally and emotionally drained but i will be fine
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genuinely had a minor panic attack abt losing my wallet but then i'd found it in the pocket of a coat that i haven't worn in two weeks. i last used my wallet yesterday. if i didn't live with flatmates i'd be convinced the coat is communicating & asking to be paid attention to. (its buttons fell off and i haven't gotten around to sewing them back.)
#under the sun with kai#might nap about it. maybe. wanted to go to the store but i am now both physically and emotionally drained#i have spent the last two hours in the hell of 'i lost my wallet' (and a minor version of said hell since the morning)
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Tired tired tired. Why am I SO tired? Psychically, mentally, socially. I am SO drained and no one notices. All I have is my Tumblr, Pinterest, cai and Spotify keeping me going fr. I wouldn't wish this God forsaken horrendous feeling on my worst enemy it's like an empty black hole inside of me that's sucking all my energy out. I want to cry but nothing comes to my eyes and I feel worse because I can't even cry over my own issues. Fuck my life and fuck this world.
#so tired#im so tired#tired#sleepy#sad gurl#sad thoughts#sadgirl#mentally exhausted#emotionally exhausted#physically exhausted#mentally drained#emotionally drained#i feel so drained#ready to kms#im going to kms#i want to kms#i wanna kms#why am i alive
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oh i am on the Brink of a mental breakdown. and like a real one. i am going to feel so so fucking terrible and guilty if i don’t go to the first week of mac rehearsal bc i need to recover but i am also getting the sense that i Need to recover. i have never been this burnt out or genuinely terrified of starting a new semester in my life.
#we go back to campus a week early for mac. to be clear#and god they’ll be long days and they’ll be physically emotionally and mentally draining and i genuinely dont know if i can take that#but i am also going to be missing SO much time. and i won’t be there to support the people who i need to#i have also. been thinking a lot about how i’m scared that i think so much abt death bc i’m gonna be one of those people#who seem even more than everyone else like they have a finite time and then they die young#and then my mom compared me to jonathan larson tonight#so maybe that’s some sort of sign that i need to slow the fuck down#i am crying rn. for myself. which happens about three times a year#and yeah one is usually during winter break so we’re on schedule#i don’t know. idk!! i don’t know what to do here#and i still have to do my fucking scene prep for tomorrow#bc i was talking my mom about it and i really needed support which she was giving and then she has to leave for five seconds#and when she came back the entire conversation was just about her own problems again which we’ve already talked about every fucking night bc#- you can’t leave conversations with her and i hate when she fucking drunks i hate it i hate it#i am Not Well. i’ve sort of been avoiding admitting to myself just how badly#but man. i can push through anything until i drop but when i start wishing that i’ll drop so i have an excuse for a break….. not good#ted talks#the west wing
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when it gets cold enough i can wear my bobby jacket
#its a vintage at least 80s/90s carhartt that looks almost exactly like hes....#i got it at a local vintage place i went to n was sooo cheap#i actually got some nice old jackets over the weekemd at some estate sales! v happy w the selection#av.txt#mildly cringe to say ive stressed out of my mind n sometimes when im pacing my room ill put the bobby one on#n then take it off when im calm bc of the cringe#needle parks not even like my FAVORITE pacino film but i imprinted on bobby n the algie/bobby dynamics got me bad...#its like how i hated heat but vincent hanna is my bpd princess baby#i need to clean this week n apply to jobs bc nothing is getting back but ive been like so drained emotionally n physically#my issue was just cleaning my shelves but ive been letting kaundry pile up bc of how spoonless i am...this week tho...
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I was talking with my bestfriend ystrdy and there was too much to tell and i realized that oh no wonder I am so tired when there are soo many things going on in my life (and going wrong as well)
like just be kinder to yourself, sometimes even you dont realize you have too much going on until you start talking about it
#i thought i was just lazy cuz of the heat (and while thats still tru to some extent lol) but actually i am running a marthon on almost no-#no energy like i am emotionally drained but still getting squeezed for more and physically tired but still tasks are piling up and mentally-#-the less said the better#and the heat is just the cherry on top#idk man just sometimes save some time to check your own reserves#eh#thoughts#eph#desiblr
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I truly, genuinely, hate my job. I can’t stand working here.
#I have little to no issues with my boss#(like. she’s barely ever here)#The work is unchallenging. just tedious#I essentially just get paid for doing lots of paperwork#The work is easy. And it involves helping people get their benefits#what tf am I complaining about? I have healthcare fffs!#I just think I don’t like working. like. at all#no reason I should dislike a steady job like this#I just also really hate government and politics#it’s all truly infuriating#and everyone keeps telling me that they need ‘youth’ and ‘people like [me]’ involved#but— like— they don’t want us here. their actions imply they don’t want us#The job feels useless#And I’m exhausted#mentally. emotionally. and physically drained
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hnm.
#why is my family so toxic lol#i try talking to my sister and tell her that theres pandas at the zoo near where we live bc ive never seen pandas irl#and she fucking mocks me#every time i try to have a fucking conversation in this fucking house it turns into a fucking mockery or an argument#im so fuckign sick of it#im fucking sick of wanting to cry everyday#im fucking sick of going to work and working myself to the bone until im drop dead fucking exhausted#only to come home to being mocked or argued with. EVERY DAY.#i cant have a single fucking conversation irl without people growing fucking sarcastic or assholeish and im fuckng SICK of it.#im so fucking mentally physically and emotionally drained. the fuck am i even living for???#like honestly what is the point in ME living???#irl and online. everyone would honestly be fuckng better off without me.#people wouldnt even notice in the end since i fucking suck at responding to shit anyway.
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#my brain is just doing the#the same three thoughts circling the drain#thing#and it's been fucking freezing so of course everything is so much more dramatic than it breeds to be#me: i don't know what to do so until i know what to do i will do nothing#also me: so am i choosing to do nothing?#but i just don't know if#this is the right choice!#is it?#objectively?#rationally?#emotionally?#physically?#spiritually?#mentally?#psychologically?#afk shit is excruciating as always#i had a family tag but i don't know what it is anymore
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#moon.mp3#txt.mp3#am continuing to move out of the sorority house#i literally hate move out day it's always so emotionally and physically draining#i just carried my storage tub of kpop albums down to my car#literally so painful 😭😭#it was so heavy and i had to walk down 2 flights of stairs and almost fell down twice 😭#but i think that's the worst of it#i'm looking around and i really am almost done packing#it's so sad bc i loved this room sm#💔💔💔#Spotify
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guess who just got a new job 2,500km away
#does it pay less than a 3rd of the job i just left?#yes.#is the worl going to be physically and emotionally draining to the point i'm not sure i'll be able to do it?#god idk what the fuck i'm doing why am i doing thisssss
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i think nov 5th-7th 2020 put a curse on me fr those days broke something in me. i experienced such extreme euphoria following those events that i used up all my joy and started 2021 with a happiness deficit causing me to spiral into the worst depressive episode ive had since high school. i was eating one meal a day, having anxiety attacks over phone calls and emails, spending 16 hours laying in bed, sleeping all day and only going out at night, and experiencing hightened paranoia and an impending sense of doom. destiel cursed me
#everyone was all 'haha emails ammiright?' during 2020-2021 as a bit. well. my email fear posting was a genuine cry for help#which is fucked up considering i am aware that its a bit silly. that did not stop me from taking 3 hours to write a short email#while sobbing the whole time and being so emotionally drained by the whole thing#that i couldnt even think about opening my laptop without experiencing severe anxiety for a week#being aware of the silly nature kind of made the whole thing worse#having genuine email trauma is literally SO stupid and yet. here i am.#doing a physical labor job bc if i had to do a job that required emails or phone calls id throw up#this turned into a vent about my email trials oopsie i will go to sleep now
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