#i am past the worst stages of grieving. but it still hurts

[kagender]

art about pet loss speaks to me more than anything else. idk

[unfilteredrealities]

Too much shit happened lately.

It’s one blow after another at my energy and my sanity istg….

First my grandpa died two weeks ago. The funeral was last Wednesday. He died peacefully in his sleep after he watched a tv church service with gods words which makes me happy, bcs he was a big church goer.

That Wednesday was the longest Wednesday in my life. 3h travelling to the city the funeral was. The funeral. The funeral lunch with close family. Chilling with family. Going 3 1/2h back with train. Arriving home late only to find my beloved cat in agony and meowing in pain.

I cried for several hours panicking not understanding what happened while I was gone.

He then calmed down a bit and didn’t meow anymore. He seemed in pain when he was walking around. He kept laying in the cold bathtub for relief.

Sunday we went to the veterinarian bcs he stopped eating and drinking water and stopped using his litter box…and the vet gave us the worst news possible…

He had renal insufficiency in the final stage. We had the choice to either try a treatment that wouldn’t have helped much bcs his values came out so bad that the machine couldn’t even give us the real results…or give him eternal rest and take away his pain…

So we were left alone in this vet room with our cat and our mom. We thought and decided. But it was the most painful experience and jarring decision we had to take.

I held him in my arm while he passed over the rainbow bridge 😭

Unfortunately renal insufficiency is so sneaky and there won’t be obvious symptoms until it’s too late and it’s chronic and it builds up until you can’t fix shit no more and I hate it how my cat masked everything so well until last week…when it was too late. Even if we in the past fed him a renal friendly diet bcs the vet recommended us bcs cats can get renal issues but my Findus , my silly goose, he would refuse to eat that diet that food…

So my beloved Findus died at age 4 and I’m tremendously sad and broken 😞

I ended up having a depressive episode and since my grandpa died I had a psychosomatic lumbago as a reaction to the shocking news and all…so I have a week off of work because I am in horrendous pain soul wise and body wise…

I can’t believe how mercury retrograde has taken my beloved cat 😭 It was the roughest mercury retrograde cycle ever in my life. Losing many loved ones and people I knew.

Like ok my grandpa was 92yo , I understand it was his time , still grieving nonetheless.

But my cat ??? My precious, my everything, my only thing in this life that was holy to me and I would have killed for if someone tried to hurt him 😭

It’s 4 day since he died and I still cry daily and I keep thinking I heard him and I call him and I dream of him and I go searching for him in the house :((

…and now Findus , my beloved Findi… only 4 years old…I hope he felt that I held him in my arms while he was passing and that I was there the whole time 😭

12th May 2020 - 25 August 2024 Findus

[chaosnojutsu]

I don't mean to pry, but are you doing okay? Not the same anon as before, and it's by no means my business, but worst year of your life sounds like you're dealing with a lot, and I've noticed that there was a change in your recent posts lately- did something happen?- and I hope you're able to get the help that you need

not prying at all, thank you for your concern! my reply turned out a bit lengthier than intended, but the short version is a lot of really bad things happened and i kinda hit rock bottom and now i’m pulling myself back to my feet. the long version is the novel below.

a year ago i was going through some big changes and hitting milestones that i was very excited about, and i felt overly optimistic about what the next year (now this past year) would look like, and i learned the hard way that it was actually just a bunch of naivety and trust issues and mental health problems that i thought i was handling better than i was. flew high, fell hard.

i’m doing better now; am in the healing stage from the whiplash of 2023 and all that came with it, am still seeing my amazing therapist and am on new meds. she is a therapist though not a psychologist or psychiatrist and as such cannot diagnose, but she and i believe i fit the criteria for a specific condition, and we’ve been approaching my sessions as if she were treating someone who does have a diagnosis, and we’re seeing great results. i’m still grieving so much of my old life, which likely accounts for my depressy posts, but there are areas where i’ve finally started healing.

the sucky part about healing is how messy it is. over the past year my entire worldview shattered and my core beliefs crumbled and i had no idea who i was or who i wanted to be. i was physically displaced and am still in more debt than i ever have been before. bouncing back from all that is collectively the hardest thing i’ve ever done, and with that has come change; changes in my lifestyle, my mindset, how i will and won’t let people speak to me any longer, for example. not everyone has liked these changes. i’ve lost so many friends — sometimes my call, sometimes theirs; for the better, though it hurts, because i’ve known some of these people since we were like thirteen — and for some of the ones who are still in my life, after how they have responded to the events of my life, i will never be able to look at them the same way or have the same kind of close relationship with them as i used to. the hardest part of this being, of course, that i have fewer and fewer people i can confide in about these things as they happen.

my glass isn’t half empty or half full; there just isn’t that much water in me right now. but i’m working on getting more, and i don’t plan on wasting it again.