#i am not mad at myself for that but i feel like it' might have opened some options
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heavyhitterheaux · 3 days ago
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How did wife feel about Joe buying the bat mobile?
She was NOT happy 😭😭
Especially since she had told him literally two weeks before that she was pregnant
Joe's eyes fluttered open from feeling the weight shift on the bed, meaning that his wife was awake. He was facing away from you and let his eyes adjust for a minute before turning around to face you. Once he did, he instantly saw that you were giving him a death glare.
“Uh? Princess? Good morning. Is everything okay?” He asked as the same expression remained on your face.
“Your name is not baby right now to me. It's Jos…”
“No! Don’t you dare say it.”
“Don't interrupt me, Joseph. Because I am pissed at you right now.” You told him as he looked around confused.
“What did I do? I literally just opened my eyes.”
“I will throw you across the room if you don't lose that attitude.”
“Baby! I don't have an attitude! I'm just confused as to why you're mad at me! Are you going to tell me what's wrong?” He asked as he sat up against the headboard.
“Why did I wake up at 2 in the morning to throw up because your children know absolutely no chill and I glance down at my phone to see a bombardment of text messages AND alerts having to do with my husband?”
“Well Hard Knocks premiered last night…. I did look pretty good if I do say so myself.”
“It's what you said on Hard Knocks that has me pissed off.”
Just then Joe had a realization.
He bought the BatMobile and forgot to tell you.
And the first thing after he said it to Ja'Marr and Tee was them asking the question if he had told you yet.
“Oh um… I forgot to mention that.”
“Joseph Lee. That thing costs 2.9 MILLION DOLLARS. HOW DO YOU JUST FORGET TO TELL YOUR WIFE!?”
“And Justin did mention that it wasn't the smartest financial decision…” He muttered and you continued staring at him.
“Hmm, is it going to come equipped with two car seats? Because you better figure out how to fit them in there.” You told him and he gave you a tight lipped smile.
“Well I don't get it for a year, I can always make a call and ask for adjustments. Who knows? They might be able to fit the car seats in there.” He answered but you did not look amused.
“You knew that you were going to be a father to twins and you still decided to buy it?”
“The opportunity was right there, babe! Like when am I going to have another chance like this!? And this was before I knew you were pregnant!”
"When we have no money to feed our kids, I'm going to tell them that daddy decided to buy a batmobile instead and that's why everyone's stomach is EMPTY."
"Okay little miss dramatic much."
"I'm about to tell Ja'Marr to come and get you because between me not sleeping and you buying things for 2.9 MILLION DOLLARS you are on my nerves."
"Just think about us fucking in the front seat."
"No. Stop trying to break my focus from me being mad at you."
"But is it working?"
"A little, but if you ask me again later, I'll deny it."
But she's obviously going to let him keep it despite how annoyed she is about the entire thing.
And now she's going to try and get her elephant 😭
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mingoooossii · 21 hours ago
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ATEEZ comforting you after you have a rough week.
Ot8 x reader
Warnings: hurt/comfort, lots of hugs, reader is overwhelmed in most of these, mentions of exams(scary ik), kinda corny tbh, also not proofread so there might be some mistakes.
A/n: i used most of my braincells 4 this 🫠 yea also this purely depended upon my mood so that's why some of them are just thoughts while the others are full blown conversations. will most likely rewrite this is in the future I think. Also I'm planning on opening taglists so if you want to be included just lmk!! (for ateez or any other group)
Words: 3.1k
Requested ♡ Ateez masterlist.
"When you feel like you're nowhere, Let it go 'cause I'll be there for you..."
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⋆˚࿔ Hongjoong
• whenever things get a little too much, you'd usually suck it up
• it wasn't healthy, you know that yet you couldn't afford to fall back now so you did it anyway
• him, who's very sensitive to your every little changes in mood, of course, noticed it too
• you tend to sort of shut down whenever you get overwhelmed, causing you to get moody and quiet, often leading to minor arguments with him
• but he understands (being prone to overworking himself, he was never too fond of the after effects)
• but that doesn't mean he's not going to do anything about it
• ”you're taking a break.” “But I need to finish this-”
• he cut you off by closing your book, making sure to bookmark it before picking you up from the chair
• ”have you looked at yourself yet? you're about to collapse.”
• you fell silent at that, letting him carry you over to the bed, feeling your irritation dissolve at the stern tone, yet you could pick up on the hint of worry.
• ”but I need to finish it, or else I won't catch up on my work. I'm already behind in-”
• your worried ramblings was silenced by his lips pressing against yours for a brief moment
• ”i vaguely remember someone pulling me out of my studio, by my ear, when I was overworking myself.”
• he muttered, sitting beside you once he put you down on the bed, his hand reaching up to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear
• ”you should listen to your own advice, you know?”
• you could feel the tears pricking your eyes at his words, making you feel helpless and frustrated
• ”there's just…so much. i don't know if I'll ever finish it…what am I gonna do?”
• you mumbled, your lips trembling as you tried to bite back your sobs
• his expression softened at your words, pulling you into his embrace, stroking your hair
• ”i know. but exhausting yourself is only going to make it harder for you to catch up.”
• ”let's take a break, okay? you need to rest, let your mind calm down first.”
• you felt him pull away from you, his hand wiping your tears away
• ”how about we go for a walk outside? some fresh air would help, i think.”
• you thought for a bit before nodding. you definitely wouldn't be able to get anything done while you were in this state.
• he finally let a small smile break free, standing up, moving to get your shoes for you
“An ice cream could help too, i've heard. and there's a parlour that just opened up, down the street. i think it's fate.”
⋆˚࿔ Seonghwa
• "are you okay?"
• he asked softly, worry lacing his tone as he watched your sullen figure drop down onto the couch.
• "I'm okay."
• your curt response came out as if it was clockwork, removing your bag before burying your face into the comforter
• you obviously weren't. Well, it'd been like that for a while now
• he sighed before coming over to you on the couch. He knelt down and reached out to take off your shoes which you forgot to
• you tried to sit up, suddenly feeling guilty
• "i got it...-" "Let me."
• you paused before laying back down, feeling a bit nervous at his tone of voice. Was he mad?
• "I'm sorry... it's just lately everything's been going downhill..."
• you mumbled, tears pricking your eyes as you let your emotions of the past week finally weigh you down
• "i c-can't seem to do anything right and...i can't muster up energy for anything...i.."
• you sniffled, waiting for a response. He didn’t reply, instead placing your shoes neatly to the side before standing up and sitting down next to you on the couch.
• "Hwa..."
• a tear rolled down your face as he wrapped his arms around you, resting your head beneath his chin.
• it was incredible how the warmth of his embrace contrasted the gloominess you've been feeling all week.
• "I'm not mad. Why would I be?"
• he spoke quietly, his eyes shutting for a moment, his hand tracing patterns on your back
• "and you know... people don't always have to be okay..."
• "if that were the case then, i think we'd be superhumans..."
• you let out a laugh at his words, feeling your heart lighten slightly
• "i guess..."
• he smiled at the pleasant sound, leaning back slightly to look at you, his hand moving to wipe your tears away.
• "so don't put yourself down, i won't let you."
• he whispered, his expression gentle yet firm before pulling you close again, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.
• "I'm still gonna worry though. Because I'm a human, a human who happened to be really really really in love with you."
• you chuckled, feeling exasperated yet so so light hearted
"Well, then...this human loves you too, a lot."
⋆˚࿔ Yunho.
• exams were coming up.
• and with exams came all nighters.
• you knew it wasn't healthy at all but your brain refused to listen to you, conjuring up various 'what ifs' each one, bleak.
• yes, exam seasons usually had you stressed.
• he knew it too.
• don't get him wrong, he knew you'd do well (with you being one of the most hardworking people he knows, there was no doubt about that)
• but he knew you couldn't help it. Despite all the assurances, a small part of you always doubted if your efforts were enough
• and he was worried. Of course, he was but he couldn't push you to take breaks even when he knew you needed it
• because he thought it'd be better to be distant than to have you completely shut him out
• but he wasn't sure anymore.
• even more so when he came upon you staring down at your books with teary eyes. You couldn't take it anymore.
• "I'm just so tired"
• you sobbed, burying your face into his chest. He had carried you to the bed from your desk, despite your protests but now you were glad that he did.
• "i know, love."
• he whispered, his hand rubbing your back soothingly, his heart clenching at the sound of your sobs. How could he have let it get this bad?
• but one thing was sure, he wasn't about to let you go through this alone.
• "Take a break, hm?" "But i...-"
• "No buts."
• he replied firmly, his expression showing his worry
• "Baby, it's admirable, it really is...you work so hard and I'm so proud of you..."
• "but I'm worried."
• he mumbled, his voice soft and low, tightening his hold on you
• your words faltered as you sensed the genuine concern in his voice, a twinge of guilt washing over you.
• "You always seem so tired and i...i can't help but feel frustrated for not being able to do anything..."
• his tone was soft, holding you close as if he feared losing you.
• "i don't want anything to happen to you..."
• you heart clenched at the tone of fear in his voice. you felt him lean back, taking your face into his hands carefully
• ”no matter how important it is, pushing yourself beyond the point of breaking will never do you any good.”
•he whispered, his voice quiet as he stroked your face gently
•you stayed silent for a moment, his words going through your mind. you could feel the toll these last few days had on your body. crashing out wouldn't be far at this point.
•so you nodded, reluctantly agreeing, not wanting to worry him any longer and also because you knew you needed this.
•he smiled, seeing you agree (although reluctant) relief coursing through him finally.
“Good. Now, how about some tea? I'll…let you get back to it after a break and this time, I'll help you.”
⋆˚࿔ Yeosang.
• something was wrong.
• he wasn't used to seeing you so...pensive.
• that slight slumping of your shoulders, the way you zone out mid-convos and the quiet sighs that escapes you whenever you think no one's looking
• no, he definitely noticed. It was so unlike you and...he wasn't sure how to react.
• would you be mad if he were to bring this up?
• or would you pretend like there was
nothing wrong?
• he knows that you value your independence very much, often preferring to deal with things on your own
• he respects that and doesn't push in anyway, not wanting to make you uncomfortable
• but he'd also feel a bit guilty (thought it was never his fault) feeling like he was failing as a boyfriend for just watching from the sidelines while you struggled
• though initially, he'd be a bit hesitant and cautious when approaching the matter
• he wouldn't directly confront you but lets you know that he's there for you
• "I'm here, if you want to talk."
• he'll also try to distract you with other activities, whether if it's like a walk in the park or a simply game
• he'll try his best to keep the atmosphere quiet and positive so you'll be able to relax your mind even if it's just a little
• and when you finally open up to him, he listens.
• he doesn't really respond in between and just lets you rant while listening intently
• and you know he is from the way his hand gently squeezes yours in assurance whenever you come to a pause, letting you know that whatever you were feeling was valid
• he isn't that big on physical affection but won't hesitate to shower you in it if you were to ask
• he's just a green flag over all
"I'll be here if you need me. I'll always be here."
⋆˚࿔ San.
• "come here."
• you hesitantly glanced at him before immediately looking away once you met his eyes. How does he know you so well?
• "choi y/n, come. here."
• he repeated, his tone a bit more firm now, spreading his arms wide and looking at you expectantly
• "what's with the choi?"
• you sighed, half-laughing, but you walked towards him, your emotions bubbling up again.
• "you own my heart, so you might as well take my last name too."
• he said softly with a small smile as you finally stepped into his arms.
• "seriously..."
• you mumbled, your voice breaking towards the end as you pressed your face into his chest, tears starting to flow again
• "there we go..."
• he guided you to the couch before sitting beside you. He wrapped his arms around you again, pulling you into him and gently ran his fingers through your hair, whispering.
• "you did a good job, hm? I'm so proud of you."
• "it doesn't feel like that though..."
• you laughed. his words, though comforting, stung a bit, reminding you of your failures yet again
• he frowned, picking upon on the hint of self depreciation in your tone
• "how dare you say that about the love of my life? Do you have any idea how much they mean to me?"
• he spoke, leaning back slightly to look at you, his hand reaching up to pinch your cheeks
• "what're you on about?"
• you chuckled, avoiding his hand, not knowing whether to be amused or exasperated at his sudden burst out
• "I'm serious, my love's the best, the smartest, the kindest, the most hardworking, the prettiest...the list goes on..."
• he continued, his voice firm as he made you face him, wiping your tears away
• "but you know what i like the most about them?"
• he asked, his expression softening considerably
• "they never give up. no matter how hard it gets, no matter what anyone else says, they never give up, because they know that they can get through it..."
• he stroked your face, his eyes never leaving yours, the genuineness in them halting your breath for a moment
• "I know you can..."
• you felt your heart tighten at his words, feeling a wave of emotion wash over you. You hugged him again, tears forming again.
• "why do you always have to be so nice? I hate you..."
• you sobbed, though there was no real heat behind your words
• he chuckled, rubbing your back soothingly
"It's okay, in return, I have lots of love to give you..."
⋆˚࿔ Mingi.
• he knew that things have been rough for you lately
• while he was worried, he wasn't sure to how to bring it up without making you feel even worse
• so he had hoped you'd come to him first
• though nothing prepared him for the sight of you sobbing into your hands infront of him, when you did
• initially he was at a loss as to what to do (it's that T in him)
• but he could feel his heart breaking as he watched you desperately trying to wipe your tears away which seemed to be flowing endlessly at that moment
• instantly he pulled you into his embrace, his arms wrapping around you so tightly like he wanted to shield you from whatever that was hurting you
• "I'm sorry..."
• you weren't sure what he was apologising for and neither was he
• though he wasn't good with words in this situation, he was there for you
• and he hoped you'd know it too
"don't hold back your tears, just let it all out. I'm here."
⋆˚࿔ Wooyoung
• he’s been walking on eggshells the entire week and he wasn't sure how long he could he take it
• your obvious avoidance of him, the curt texts, (hell, he'd prefer it more if you argued with him than this) it was all getting ridiculous
• so, what was the next step? obviously, confronting you.
• though it wasn't going like how he expected it to go.
• ”I'm sorry, i thought it'd be better to avoid you than to let you get affected too”
• you mumbled, your voice a bit hoarse as you brought your blanket covering you, closer
• your face was red, a sheen of sweat covering your forehead as you supported yourself on the wall.
• these past few weeks had taken a toll on you, worse than you thought and before you knew it, you had a fever.
• ”Affect me-...are you serious?”
• he spoke before he could stop himself. really? that's what you've been worried about?
• “I've been worried sick! you think I'd care about some damn germs?”
• you fell silent, feeling a bit guilty now.
• he huffed as if he was in disbelief. he wanted to say more but paused, his eyes falling on your pale face
• he sighed before stepping in, his hands reaching for your face.
• “you're burning up…”
• he muttered, worry lacing his tone as he supported you, making sure to close the door before leading you to your living room, sitting you down on the couch
• you sniffled, rubbing your nose as you watched him bustle around your apartment
• it was weird, seeing him so serious like this, different from his usual playful self
• and it only made you more guilty for worrying him
• ”I'm sorry…”
• he paused, hearing your words, his movements slowing down as he closed the door to your shelf after retrieving the medicine
• “you know? these past few days, I was wondering whether I did something. I couldn't figure it out.”
• he spoke up, returning to the couch, kneeling infront of you, placing a hand on your lap
• “besides, what if you were in your death bed? of course i need to be here.”
• he added, a small smirk forming on his face
• “Hey!”
• you countered, your eyes wide, hitting his shoulder making him laugh out a small ‘sorry!’, lightening the mood slightly
• “no but seriously, you should've told me you were sick. i would've came running.”
• “you always take care of me when I'm sick. I want to do the same…”
• he muttered, his playfulness dissolving into softness, his hand squeezing yours gently
• you felt your heart melt at his words, warmth coursing through you, the pleasant kind this time.
• “Alright then, can you…make me your special chicken soup?”
• you asked, a hopeful glint in your eyes. you’ve been craving it actually.
• his smile returned even more brightly as he stood up, turning to make his way to your kitchen
“I'll make you the damn best chicken soup you're gonna ever have! You won't even need medicine cause it's gonna heal you up right away.”
⋆˚࿔ Jongho
• he knew you were having a rough week
• considering how moody you've seemed lately and you also didn't talk much
• and you were usually the 'affectionate' one in your relationship so the lack of it made him pause
• he was concerned, obviously, but didn't voice it directly or push you to open up
• he trusted that you'd come to him if there was something
• however, it seems like you finally reached your breaking point
• he regretted not talking to you sooner when he came home to you crying one day
• he immediately engulfs you into his embrace.
• you seemed a bit surprised to see him, not expecting him to come back so early
• and you felt bad to burden him with your emotions, surely he had a lot on his plate as well-
• "stupid, you should be worrying about yourself."
• he mumbled, his voice annoyed yet... concerned, pulling you closer when you tried to move away.
• he won't respond with words when you start to pour your worries out
• but you know he's listening with the gentle but assuring squeezes he gave your hand whenever you come to a pause
• well, it wasn't like he really had to talk when his embrace spoke volumes more than any words ever could.
“Don't feel bad for feeling bad, you don't always have to be okay, it's completely normal.”
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allsadnshit · 20 hours ago
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Even after years of therapy I am still really learning how to be mad and actually act on it
I used to be super swift with the block button on all social media and for reasons I am not really sure of yet I stopped and started doing a sort of "I'm the bigger person for not cutting anything off all the way it shows I am chill and not bothered" type beat partially I think because of wanting to still have access to their accounts even if I didn't allow myself to look - and also I think because I have a bad habit of assuming the best of people but like not in a beautiful way more like I literally assume someone's sorry or still cares about me even when all their words and actions show the exact opposite
And I had a big cry this morning about trust and how I am realizing that although the work I've put in to repair my self trust has felt important and good - it's not everything. And the fact that to have a career, relationships, and freedom means I WILL have to interact and trust others means there will always be a huge variable I can't actually control no matter how much I heal myself or learn to have boundaries won't stop someone from hurting me even if I gain the ability to respond in a way that I'm proud of or is healthy
And after crying into my miso soup and rice with my husband I was like okay...I need to get real with myself. I need to stop making excuses for leaving the door open for people to intimately see my life. My ex best friends have no business liking my Instagram posts about my life and art like they really don't. And I keep the door opening hoping I'll get an apology or something and guess what? It doesn't come. Because I don't even truly treat them like they hurt me and aren't in my life. I try and keep all doors open and all it does and make me take it out on the people who want to be in my life now and that hurts ME.
So I went back and blocked everybody. YEARS late. They might not ever even notice! They might notice and not care! Doesn't really matter. I just knew the excuses I make for not expressing my anger are bad for me and if I want to open myself up to change I need to see these feelings through and not just wait for the anger to pass so I don't do anything "rash".
Anger, especially the kind that bubbles up again and again from the same place, is your soul pointing to a hole in the boat where water is getting in and sinking you! It's an alarm! And no matter how small the hole is or if someone else thinks "I wouldn't have taken it so personally" doesn't really matter in the end. It's your ship, and you're the one going down if it sinks. So if the alarms go off, don't take it lightly.
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daisybell-on-a-carousel · 2 months ago
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Still very wild to me when people try to gotcha Jason with the whole "if you can kill other people for being evil why can't they kill you" when jason is like. One of the most passively suicidal characters I've ever seen. What if man
#augh i dont want to cw this because im just talking about The Character and i feel bad when i do it for characters but i probably should#suicide mention#ask to tag#while im here i do absolutely believe hes been suicidal since jaybin times. maybe even before just in different ways. but like#going into that building with shelia? yeah#now. i DONT think he was aware of it and if youd ask him hed say no fully believing thats the truth#but like if a ghost jaybin had some introspection time i think he'd maybe eventually be like yeah#his outcomes to him were have a loving parent or die and hes a very big fan of ultimatums like that.#but he doesn't fully see it like that as jaybin because oh hes a hero and saving others when no one else can is what heros do :)#ramble. ivee been feeling it lately yknow how it is#ive once saw a post saying jason was planning to die after the joker was dead in utrh and yeagh i can see that#he puts A BOMB in his HELMET#suicidal characters in the context of hero stories are so fascinating to me. the self sacrifice.#the not caring about your own safety as long as you save someone else. the pushing yourself#the way itd be so easy to make it look like they just fell in battle. to be considered a hero in the end#anyway ive been glancing at suicidal jason todd fics. how bad is it that im still getting mad about characterization#because theyre not killing him right#AND ANOTHER THING. since im here and i try to avoid making posts about The Character like this so might as welk get it all out#think about suicidal jaybin as well as the fact 80s bruce very much considered suicidal people/people attempting like#weak and lazy? yells at them? i think thats about it. Very Much. je seems to straight up just hate them#again very much feel free to ask me to tag this one ^-^'#and i hope no one thinks im being callous here im very worried about that. i just its a very important part of his character to think about#and its fun to explore as someone who is passively suicidal myself#jason todd analysis#anyway no one look at me i am in my corner just rotating him#WAIT to clarify i dont think jaybin fully realized Just becauceof the heros sacrifice thing. i made it sound like that i believe#anyway. if you read him as suicidal since jaybin times and go to ditf with that lens like i did. well. the post death victim blaming..
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I do really want to terrorpost but I don't feel qualified to be in that fandom man...... everyone is so smart and creative and they all have advanced degrees and I'm just sitting here like I think the lieutenants are in love :3
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welcometogrouchland · 2 years ago
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[ID: a digital drawing of characters from the owl house based on the song "up the wolves" by the mountain goats. At the top of the drawing there's a rectangular panel showing Camila and Eda. Camila looks out at the boiling isles at night with her bat. Eda mirrors her pose, with her arm covered in feathers. Shadows form to look like the collectors face, covering Eda's eyes and parts of Camila. Beneath this panel is a star with King and the Collector inside of it, holding hands and spinning midair. Beneath this is the archway portal from thanks to them, which is glowing, and at the bottom of the image is the hexsquad lined up in their designs from for the future, lit by the portal light and looking determinedly into the distance. The lyrics that span the image are "our mother has been absent/ever since we founded Rome/but there's gonna be a party when the wolf comes home". The background is black. End ID]
I knew I couldn't say goodbye to this show without redrawing one of my favorite old pieces, this lyric comic based on Up The Wolves by the mountain goats. I made it pre-ttt and was honestly really vindicated by all the wolf imagery that ep, lmao
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ganondoodle · 14 days ago
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everyones more than welcome to send me asks about stuff* btw, i know i havent been that good in answering, but i think thats largely bc i always want to do too much, like .. drawing entire character design sheets and everything and then never having the energy or motivation for it so it sits around like all of my hundreds of wips i never finished bc i lost energy/motivation, waiting for it to come back .. which might never happen (and i still dont know how to handle compliments ,, i might never will tbh- if i havent answered a compliment its very very likely i dont know how to properly convey my gratitude- feeling like theres no amount of things i can do or say to 'pay back'? ... kinda weird if you think about it .. but i am weird so what do i know jsklfnhsdk, i promise you i treasure it)
im pretty sure not everyone that sends an ask expects a drawing or multiple and pages long text right? thats my skewed perspective isnt it?
*stuff being like .. about my ocs, about my zelda comic, about the totk rewrite project, suggestions, ideas, rants too, kind of anything though im less likely to respond to personal things (and in case theres anyone newer to tumblr, asks dont have to be literal questions, you can write in those what you want, i like them alot bc its a lil message without the chat type of commitment to it ... im even worse at keeping up responding in chats (not intentionally .. my short term memory sucks) o3o)
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capinejghafa · 2 months ago
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So, apropos of nothing I decided to read The Nanny by Lana Ferguson and when I tell you these two have zero chemistry I'm not actually trying to be mean because I don't even think the MCs have had an actual conversation on page that's substantive. Like about 60% is pure smut, and LISTEN... I read smut, I'm not even like ashamed of it but if I wanted this much smut I could have read fanfics with an actual plot and characters I actually care about. I'm starting to get the feeling this story is fanfic that was tradpub. It feels like you're supposed to care about these characters, but the author didn't put the effort into making them actual characters... if that makes sense.
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suffercerebral · 7 months ago
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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iniziare · 5 months ago
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Aesthetically, we're going in order. Guizhong was the first within the HYV fandom, and Kafka was the second. I am also desperate to get that woman's voice to settle, which it still hasn't, so this'll kick me in gear for that. I think I also owe the most from her. So let's start the Kafka era, especially as the update will draw me back into HSR for a short bit.
And in honor of her, I need Abel Korzeniowski to stop giving me perfect instrumentals for her.
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jiggery-duggery · 10 months ago
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how I look suggesting to my group partners that we do our bio presentation on vultures
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sealeneee · 4 months ago
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siiiiiiigh
#i am in fact a grown adult who is still incapable of talking about their feelings and thoughts to people so I'll just rant here#my relationship with my mother is. so weird. it's not always bad but it always ends up bad for one reason or another#she can be perfectly civil and i'll still be irritated. other times i do try to tolerate it and engage and she ends up saying something#upsetting to me either way.#i don't want to keep being rude to her i don't want to get mad and annoyed all the time but i just can't stop. it's always like this#and i hate myself for it and i hate her and i hate everything about it#today i was leaving for work and she was like. i'll take the trash out of your room and i told her not to do it. she kept insisting and i#had to raise my voice at her to maybe get the point across to get her not to touch anything#and yes my room is a fucking mess and it is something to be embarrassed of. i just feel so fucking tired all time time and i keep tellin#myself that i will clean it this time for sure and then i don't. most of the time it's my mother taking care of it without my permission#and i am grateful for it bc nobody likes living in a mess... but i also fucking hate it because it makes me feel even more worthless#i just can't get rid of the feeling of shame. no matter what i do.#and back to the mother thing. i told her that if she touches anything i will go to her room and throw out anything that isn't nailed down#even though objectively i have no reason to oppose her helping me#but i also fucking hate it#maybe being rude is the only way to get it across. but also i get irritated about anything so easily#i feel shittier and shittier every day. had there been an easy and painless way of killing myself i would have done it already#and despite how much i want to blame this on a disorder or lack of access to medication. there is no magic pill that would fix me is there#i'm just a shitty person who cannot get it together despite everything being handed to me#i'm literally bad at anything and everything. i'm not even a good blogger lmao#people have it much worse in life and still do better. me? i'm useless. there's no helping it. i should have died from covid or something#nobody will save me. nobody cares enough. besides one person whom i push away because i can't stand her and i don't even know why 👍#if i stop messaging people first most of them would forget about me#i am alone. a lonely person in a messy room desperately trying to be entertaining so someone will pay a little bit of attention to me.#not to mention the geopolitics#i won't even go there. i hate the possibility that people might see it mentioned and give me shit for it#one more thing that is apparently my fault. directly or indirectly#all i want is to leave this country. spend the day with someone who cares for me like an actual friend. and then shoot myself so i don't#have to go back#sealene.txt
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possibly-eli · 4 months ago
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i am this 🤏 fucking close from leaving every discord server im in that has another person in it and never talking to anyone again and fucking losing it!!!!!
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smol-tired-binch-blog · 2 years ago
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hate how im now at a point where im legit like kicking my legs and grinning like an idiot over fictional characters SEND HELP
#take One Guess who im talking about. YES ITS KOI BOI#hes so prettyyyyy and cute and lovely and i love looking at him i wanna hear him speak and laugh and sing just AAAAAAAAAAAA#(turns to my own brain) BITCH WE ARE MEANT TO BE AROACE WHY ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH TWO FICTIONAL CRIMINALS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?????#my brain: (that fuckin anime girl gif from evangelion (i think??))#like fuuuuuck man is it self shipping if u use a proxy? like. hes an oc but he's a stand in for me. he is me and i am him but we also arent#he is his own person and i am my own our lives are very very different but i use him to express love for Mad Dog and Koi Boy#cause they could actually love him if i were in their world i wouldnt stand a chance but my boy has one so he loves them for me#its far easier to imagine him kissing them than it is for me to imagine myself kissing them but that might be because im wired weird#idk it *feels* like it counts yknow. my dumbass out here gettin jealous when i see a Certain Ship cause like i disagree with it on#a Fundamental Level. and on TOP of that half the time the art is so CUTE and im like 'motherfucker that should be ME' or i guess my lad but#STILL am i making sense?? doesnt help that i worry im like. misreading what content i have but also fuck you i can do what i want and also#i get him more than yall kgyugkhjhk (jk jk. Unless) basically when i call them my boyfriends i fuckin mean it#look its Real Missing Nishiki Hours i love him i wanna kiss his perfect face someone shoulda shown him love i could save him and he could#make me worse <3 I Want Him#and do not get me wrong i may be focused on him but Majima is still my wifey too!!! hes mine you cant have her <3#i just have koi boy brainrot i very much desire them Both (YES THAT MIGHT BE WHY I SHIP THEM TOO LOOK I ALSO THINK THEYD WORK WELL TOGETHER#OR AT LEAST HAVE A FUN DYNAMIC TO EXPLORE I SHOULD DATE THEM AND THEY SHOULD DATE EACH OTHER WE ALL HAVE 2 HANDS)#might delete this in the mornin who knows but im feelin silly i wanna talk about them i wanna talk about my boy but idk if ppl would really#GET IT yknow i can think of maybe Two People and that INCLUDES bestie but just aaaa point is i love my koi boy so much hes so lovely <3 <3
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our-lady-of-mcr · 8 months ago
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago
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...
#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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