#okay i have to go shower now
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okay funny posting aside he really does make me very upset lmao when i said that i'm too sensitive to like him i really meant that bc WHY did he say that to rin???? this guy fucking toooooook his time to go and waltz over to his little brother just to crush him again isn't he just so lovely isn't he just so great
#how about you just go and jack off your friend in the fucking showers and leave my boy alone okay#LEAAAAAAAAAAAAVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#i'm taking it into heart a bit too much i think butghasgdsaghdghas#i can't#he's#that's just so mean#and i really can't see why he has to be SUCHHHH a massive dick about it#even if he's trying to idk sway him from the soccer world bc oh noo it's tough and it's not fun#why does he have to go about it this way#WHAT FORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR#the battle of the older siblingsashdgshagdhghags#i know i say i wanna punch ppl a lot#in this case#i mean like a very real punch#hgsadghsaghdhgas#just a punch and nothing more i'm taking rin away goodbye#mayor of loserville#this is exactly why it could never work too i take things too seriously and he is too non-chalant#CHALANT MORE BITCH#wait alsohsadgshagda i have more sae loving friends now so just know i'm not trying to yuck anybodys yams#i hope you're all happy with himghsadghgdhsag
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never in my life have i wanted a Daddy more than i do rn 😭
#personal#i'm going to ramble and drop it all in the tags#i'd like to have a pity party for myself thanks#the election?#fucked i've just been scrambling for a week now to prepare for the worst that feels like it's rapidly approaching#vaccines updated birth control bought out stockpile of food started passport appointments made tasers and protective gear purchased#banned books put on a wishlist#the holidays?#trying to make them enjoyable instead of so so so triggering#husband's new job?#barely home he's barely home i feel like a solo parent#i'm absolutely drowing at home mainly alone with two toddlers who have found their spirit and resilience and attitude...#the new house?#we've been fighting we are not vibing it's taking forever for me to feel in love with it#we do not get along rn lol#writing? personal time? self care? nonexistent i have no time alone during the day and then i spend the two hours i have to myself at night#fighting sleep and doing nothing#took a shower today and when i got out my eyelash line started burning and then my eyes were burning and then my nose was running and#then my eyes were watering and i could barely open them and goop started building and then they were SWOLLEN to the point where i could see#the muscles bulging and then i couldn't move them left or right#so i drove I DROVE myself to the urgent care#turns out my water has way too much chlorine in it and now that i've started taking hot as fuck and steamy showers it's just made me#susceptible to severe allergic reactions to chlorine?#it's been horrible my eyes are so sore now and they're just now not sopping in goop#and yeah#just...#i live the same day every day and i'm spiraling and drowning and about to go off the rails while also trying to SUCK THE JOY out of the las#month we have before democracy crumbles so#i just wish i had a Daddy to take care of me and tell me things are going to be okay 😭#preferably a Big Daddy that would let me sleep for days and would bring me food and let me hug and snuggle on him and not talk
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near getting angry at mello hits so different imo because of how patient / understanding he is overall with mello,,, like. this is the most obvious statement in the world given the actual text [gestures vaguely toward all of near's Mello Apologism in canon] but it DOES get me. near is not a doormat in the slightest but he does allow mello a lot of grace, and it is extremely fun to consider & determine what near's breaking point / limit would be in any given universe.
#meronia#neallopost#i've written this a number of times but i feel like the most substantial examples are#fic: bury us both#fic: i want to hold you (hostage)#<- not so much outright anger but simmering beneath the surface for a lot of ch3#fic: there's nothing i hate more than what i can't have#and it will be in#fic: love chained#and#fic: all's fair in love and war#okay christ sorry i'm done self-fellating on main. i hve to go shower and write now BYEEEE <3
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i hate having executive dysfunction and decision paralysis cus i have shit i need to get done today but im staring at the list of things to do and going "idk where to start :( guess ill just Sit Here until i magically decide" and internally in like "NO YOU HAVE TO PICK SOMETHING. YOU WILL WASTE THE WHOLE DAY" but externally im just chilling.
#send help#im trying to do things Efficiently but that's gonna result in me not doing things#so really i just need to suck it up and START somewhere#one of the problems being that i need to go to my sisters house for one of them and ik ill probably get Stuck there#which would make me want to go LAST but then it's also line i can't go TOO late bc i need to come home at a reasonable time#since i have work in the morning#but THEN it's like ok but i need to message them and ask#and i have to go to my OTHER sisters house too but im gonna want a SHOWER after that which means coming straight home and i just. hhhhhhhhh#and i also gave to come straight home after the store bc im getting cold shit so it has to go straight to the fridge/freezer#and just AAAAA in general.#i think..... i may message sister 2 and say 'ik i said i would this weekend but im gonna do it tomorrow after wprl instead'#cus that will at least get rid pf One Task#PLUS i can just go straight there after work and then simply do my work shower and my after shower at the same time#yeah... okay that helps.........#then i can start by going to the cafe to get coffee/see if they have wifi back yet.......... do those tasks if they do#and if not then come back up here to use the Parking Lot Wifi for a bit............#store and then home......#and THEN i can go to sister 1s house to get my Thing#and maybe play games idk ill ask before i leave#OKAY. OKAY WE'VE GOT A PLAN NOW.#SOMETIMES TUMBLR DOES HELP.#shh ac
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hey why am i crying after a largely successful tuesday. what’s the matter with me
#like i had such a great day and then got home and didn’t get things done#and it’s okay. i have so many days to get things done#but i really want to go with someone to an event but i can’t because it’s when a friends bday party is but they’re leaving next week and i#want to hang out again. and i meant to get home then sweep then mop then shower then do homework#and somehow i’ve been sitting here for three hours recalibrating#but now it’s been three hours and i feel like shit for not getting myself to do this#and realistically i know im also back on t and probably having mood swings and also my adhd meds wore off so like there’s that#but like my heart is a fragile little trembling thing and my eyes are watering. WHY fuck
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@reserved-fruit thank you for the link to this video with Kris' heart ring (goes perfectly with Keep Me Grounded, Keep Me Calm, just saying 👀 do you like friends (Bojan and Kris) comforting each other and jokingly proposing while still being deeply serious about how important their friendship is? Go read this!).
Here's some screenshots to look at with me, why? Because I'm a touchstarved bitch and scream and cry at any sighting of physical affection. Thank you Bojan for providing enrichment in my enclosure.
Also this one. Because I see a mention of friends spending time together because they love each other and love spending time together, I scream and screech in missing my friends noises.
#i'm half convinced alistair has saved me on discord as touchstarved fuck or something#anyway. do these fuckers know how LUCKY they are to have their friends this close at any given time?#I spent 2 1/2 weeks at my parents' during christmas and I saw friends I think... three maybe four times#plus a visit at a friend's place across the border for two days#which i was very happy about! i was really happy about the times i did see friends!#but it also sucks that everyone's so busy with their own lives and responsibilites and whatnot that it's this hard to see friends now#plus that one friend who just doesn't answer anyone anymore. just TELL US if you don't want to see us anymore#that's okay. it would still hurt but sometimes a friendship has come to its end and that's okay even if it hurts. but don't just#ghost your entire friend group while still sending snaps and then not answering if we answer there#okay that turned into a rant#because like bojan in the shower with kris i am incapable of shutting the fuck up in the tags#go read that fic!#mine#joker out
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OOOH MORE WIPS UPON YYEEE i amm gonna crawl outa this artblock even if it KILLS ME! and speaking of killsing. whats with THIS dead guy huh??? its chip jrwi baby yeaaah its undead chip baby yeaaaahh its chip n hes fucken dead and rotting and gross and OOHHH IM SO PROUD OF HIm(for being dead)
#riptide spoils#HEY REMEMBER THAT SPOILER TAG I MENTIONED I WOULD USE#ieah i know its ppprobably commonish knowledge rn what happpend to chip n stuff but yknwo.#still a pretty big fuckan spoily#ANYWAY LOOOK AT HOW MY STYLE SIMPLIFIES AND BOILS DOWN ALL THE COMPLEXITIES INTO CONSISTANCIES#i think the flow of my art going from more detailed to less detailed is fun heheheh weeee!! having fun and drawing!!#ALSO I MISSED DRAWING CHIPP OUHHH ITS BEEN SO LONNGGand now look at him...hes gorgus....HES SO CHARMINGLY GROSS#twirling my hair kicking my legs honesttllyyyyy ive been sooo in love w chip since i started the show... hes just so cute and stabbable#like i waant to see him in unimaginable pain and agony and also i want to see him hold hands w several other characters#INCREDIBLY easy to ship w people if u just look at how much every1 WANTS this guy. like remember how niklaus treated him. like damn.#ill draw another 'i ship chip w everyone' page again.someday.if u wanna see the first one u gotta go dig it up. go fetch.#anyway isnt it wack that chip is just dead now and hes jsut gotta deal w that and hes about to go into a big important arc as a dead boy#CAN U IMAGINE the reactions when he comes home. he wears the disguise ofc but all it takes is a hug to realize that he is rotting mush now#and also bones. HES TERRIFYING. hes gross. HES EVERYTHING U WANT. is he okay.#TRUST THE PROCESS! THE HOLY WATER SHOWER HURTS BUT WELL. MAYBE THATS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE. UNDEAD BASTARD. FUUUCK#IM working on other doodly pages. finishing up an edyn one thats VRY OLD.also a queen doodly page.ouuhh i gotta relisten to som eps tho...#but i dont have TIME or SPACE FOR PODCATS RN!!! HELPP!!!WAT THE FUCK IS JUDGMENT??????AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Update 3: drove the asshole home bc I was so sure he was fr gonna die if he drove himself lmao. Poor dude looked so miserable, like bro was either holding back while we were working or he got worse the second he was able to relax, bc there wasn't a single moment of silence the whole drive back, dude was just curled up in the passenger’s seat shivering and being so fucking symptomatic. Like he was doing that thing where you basically cough all of the air out of your lungs then doing that rattly little inhale and then repeating, like it was Not Good 😬 0/10, hated being there to experience that in person, I was horrified, I want all of that to stay in audio recordings where it can't hurt me lmao. And he wasn’t sneezing a ton, but when he did, he stifled them until I told him to quit it bc the last thing he needs is a fucking ear infection on top of whatever the hell is already wrong with him, and even when he stopped, he was so congested that they sounded kinda stifled anyway 😭 like it's all objectively hot and I would've loved it had I just read it and not experienced it first hand, but unfortunately I'm a massive germaphobe and had to sit three feet away from this guy all damn day. So I bleached the hell out of my car and scrubbed myself down in the shower three times and I still don't feel like anything is clean enough, but I'm tired so it's gonna have to do for now lmao
#this is kinda snz kink ain't it?#i might shower again before i go to bed idk lmao#OH ALSO important to note#he was stifling with his fingers so he was getting that shit all over his hands i was like IN MY CAR????? fucking horrific#again it's objectively hot but not when it's in front of me 😭#i hope y'all are enjoyjng this at least bc I'm not lmao i was trying not to pass away the whole day#like i feel so bad bc i consider my partner a friend so obviously i care about him and wanna help#but at the same time i literally can't train my disgust reaction out of me#I'm fucking weird when it comes to who I'm more okay with being around when they might be sick#like if he wasn't my usual partner or if he was just some random coworker i wouldn't have given him a ride#like i did it scared but i still did it lmao#anyway#i told him to text me tomorrow so i know he's not dead and to call if he needs anything#so we'll see what comes of that#and i will be passing away if he gets me sick so stay tuned for that#knock on wood i haven't been sick since i was 13 and I'm almost 22 now#and last time i was sick i had strep and bronchitis at the same time so that wasn't good#but other than that it's just been allergy flare ups#so other than the vaccine reactions i genuinely don't remember what it's like to actually be sick#so let's hope i just manage to avoid it 😭#partner posting
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the lord is testing me so hard rn. holy fuck. give me a break
#hbbbbbb spent what i built up after the semester on the mortgage i'm tired i have a full shift tomorrow and now the powers out and#i need a charger block for my phone cause i need to wake up tomorrow. wanted a shower. mom was gonna make a quiche i don't want wendy's lmao#i also do not want to start crying in front of her i am just. grumpy. and it is fine. but i need to not be tearing up when i get to the#pharmacy because my friend works there and will ask what's wrong and im not crying in cvs. so. hough. okay.#stop tearing up. get meds. get shitty stupid dinner i'm so sick of chicken holy fuck. go home. mom is also extremely overwhelmed i don't#want to get upset in front of her idk how to not do that. hhhgh. sucks. it sucks and it's bad and i'm tired
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ugh he woke up BRIGHT red which could just be a flareup of baby eczema but is a little worrisome when combined with his extreme crankiness. of course the doctor has no appointments today or tomorrow and the only clinic that could see us is a 70 minute drive away. nurse triage line put us on hold for 25 min and then hung up on us lol. I called back using a different number and was told that the nurse triage line no longer exists (??) which cannot be true because the coordinator connected me to it. I will call back again but am just gonna give myself a little mental break first. he also screamed his head off when I tried to put him down for his first nap sooo we are napping on mom to ensure he gets some sleep. I think I am gonna officially call it: we are back in Survival Mode this week!!!! on the positive side I made him laugh a lot by showing him he could grab his own toes. this revelation was absolutely hilarious to him and he wanted me to help him grab them many times in a row. peak baby humor lol. we will get through this.
#I am also having SO much trouble with this one student and it’s really stressing me out but#I reached out to our coaching coordinators and set up time to brainstorm with them tomorrow about it#so I am at least taking steps there to resolve that#okay. I can’t shower right now because he’s napping on me and will wake up crying if I leave#I think I’ll try to get him to sleep until his nanny gets here at 11#then I’ll shower 11-11:30#do student work 11:30-1 (comments for NF and EP)#then student meetings 1-3#walk the dogs and talk to A about CC job from 3-3:45#then collect the boy from his sitter#all of this assuming his temp is normal when he wakes up#if not we’ll reschedule everything and go to urgent care#baby tag
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spending this sunday morning pondering how the long and convoluted network of decisions we make everyday leads us to the people and places we love now
#i love the people i’m surrounded by. i’ve never been happier and more myself before#but also#i was fully going to move out of this area when i graduated college last year#but i didn’t#well….haven’t yet is the better wording#i can’t see myself living in this town for forever#but if i did - where would i be now? who would i be??#would i like them? the people i’d have met and people i’d have gotten close to and the person i would’ve been?#would i be in some big faraway city with a cramped apartment or in some seaside town living above an ice cream parlour on main street?#would i still talk to my mom everyday? my best friends who i grew up with?#would i have missed what i have now? or would i have been happier??#it’s not exactly healthy to think about these things so much#but every once in a while is okay#and i think facing them with this easy gaze of sleep-riddled sunlight breaking through half-parted curtains makes it easier to understand#i also think i’ve sat here for too long now. i should shower and get ready for the day#sky says
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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days without crying over them counter: 0
#rambles#delete later#like I actually am so fucking mad im SO MAD still#i need to move on but it’s like im stuck in that week#i don’t even think I have the words. i just feel so fucking betrayed. i feel insane#i hope they think of me and feel guilty. i hope they need advice and wonder what I would say#i hope they get HIT BY A CAR!!!!!!#i feel vaguely like I was preyed on. they admitted to trying to seduce me on purpose so I’d have sex with them#as an at-the-time-asexual virgin. and I was sooo flattered lol but now I’m just like. okay. what the fuck#they made me feel sooo loved and flattered and desired right up until they didn’t#and what was with the weird mixed signals. that was the reason I couldn’t move on from my crush#‘I don’t want anything right now’#okay then stop kissing my hand and cuddling me and calling me over to ask me unnecessary questions while you’re in the shower#stop mentioning how attractive I am and stop flirting with me#I’m killing myself what did I even mean to you was I just entertainment#like what did I even fucking mean I’m going insane#all I want to know is what I fucking was. yeah sure I was your ‘best friend’ who you had no issues with cutting off for no reason#i was your ‘best friend’ who you never texted first#what the hell WAS i#you came to me for advice and support and comfort so was I a therapist#that one night when I was crying and begging you not to leave me alone for the night#you promised me we’d call the next day#you hung up and we never called the next day. even though I asked twice#i bent over backward for you constantly and you couldn’t even be bothered to check in when I was having a fucking crisis like okay lmao#I’m gonna throw up I need to stop thinking and go to bed#and yet I still miss them so fucking much. so so so so much. i miss the affection. i miss being held. i miss their voice and smile#I’d let them mistreat me if it meant I got some kind of attention from them and that really makes me hate myself lol#maybe I’m just another creepy obsessed guy now#i FEEL obsessed. i feel insane. i feel disrespected and maltreated and also very very lonely#my face feels crusty from crying maybe it is bedtime
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Finally made it through (Patreon)
#Doodles#Here it is! Finally transitioning into 2024 doodles! Heck!!#A small handful to bid the year goodbye#Starting with trying to doodled something and it not going to plan so nevermind lol#Sucks too 'cause it was one of those shower thoughts that I got Really excited about and then every step ended up getting frustrated#Wanted to make a cover of a song and then the song had no instrumental-only version :/#Okay well the concept was meant to be a fem cover of non-human characters - I'll draw up what I think they'd look like! No#Designs were underwhelming and looked weird :// So I gave up lol#Maybe another day! But not this day not when I keep being stopped lol#Only Christmas! Yes I wore the ribbons it's an important tradition and also I like cute in them#Ma got me some fine-tip markers so I had to test them haha - they scan a bit dark so I don't think I'd use them for scanned doodles#That purple is pretty tho I do like it#Was really excited about the gold but nahh oh well I still appreciate them haha#Oh and the tests were on my latest Blank Slate scratch page haha#I've set it down again for the moment but Ch. 4 is probably about 70% done! :)#Had a lot of fun moving pieces around hehe ♪ To no one's surprise Scriabin has painted himself into a corner#Might have a mini project/side project planned around Blank Slate at some point hmmm#Other than the fic itself haha#And finally seeing out the year - it's been over for a while now!#Always feels funny to approach it's end and ring in the new
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everytime sinday rolls around i would love to shower the dash in delicious thoughts but there are simply only mothballs and lint. i guess veritas would be the type to ask his partner(?) to read to him and not fumble on any words , since it would be a desecration to the granted knowledge , while he goes to town.
#* ✦ 𝐈. ❮ ooc ❯ ⸻ ❝#* ✦ 𝐕𝐈. ❮ muses ❯ ⸻ ❝ 「 veritas ratio 」#that's my single offering today#now i have a shower to attend#oh yeah and if you drop the book then he's going to be disappointed#probably leave you right then and there aha#okay bye#suggestive tw
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Y’know sometimes I forget that it is Not a good idea to talk mental health stuff with my mom because This Is My Mom We’re Talking About 9 times out of ten reasoning with her is like talking to a brick wall
#꒰🥀꒱ ❝ Tragic Prose ❞#waiter! waiter! more late night venting#le sigh. sorry for the little rant I just need to get this out of my system so I don’t go to bed irritated#so before I hit the hay I tried bringing up the possibility of me having OCD to my mom#she immediately rebutted saying ‘no you don’t. when’ve you ever done something over and over again’#or something to that effect. can’t remember her exact wording#so I tried to bring up a common compulsion I have (the bathroom has an ant probelm so I get worried that ants get on the towels)#> (and when I wipe myself after shower I could get ants all over me)#and she dismissed THAT again saying I just have anxiety and ‘if I [really] had OCD I’d clean the shower’#so then I remembered who I was talking to and dropped the subject#Y’know chances are she’s probably right. I probably might not have OCD and I just have a slightly more severe than usual case of anxiety#I mean she’s a gigantic basket case (I can see where I get it from) so she has to know what she’s talking about#but ugh. I really wish she wasn’t so quick to be dismissive#it’s stuff like this that makes me want to avoid talking about my mental health with her like the plague#okay rant over I need to go to bed it’s almost midnight#as I write it’s 11:37 pacific time so if you’re up right now and reading this. go to bed
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