#i am not familiar with it because i absolutely cannot do horror

[do-you-know-this-adhd-character]

Do you know this (noncanon) ADHD character?

Evidence below the cut!

- stated to not be able to sit still - inattention negatively affects his grades - nearly physically incapable of shutting up - is stated to be in a state of “constant mental overdrive” - lack of voice volume regulation

[heybaetae]

alright, his letter really got me.

if i can get kinda personal really quick—which i usually avoid doing too much—i promise it’s warranted if you feel like reading to the end of this post in which i’m about to share some things about a deeply painful experience i went through this year and am still enduring the weight of. if you follow me closely enough, you probably know what i’m referring to…

before i do though, i want to mention how truly mind blowing it is that someone who already means a lot to you can somehow keep becoming more and more important as time goes on without even doing much, really, just by being there. since the start of the year, i have not been in the best mental state. i suffer from anxiety and depression which causes me to have a really tough time sleeping and it’s only gotten worse over the months.

i cannot stress enough how many times jungkook lifted my spirit and my mood on some of my worst days/nights since he started doing his frequent weverse lives. it sounds bleak to say because it is, but he was one of the only constant sources of light in my life this year. i can’t tell you how many times it felt like whenever i was feeling my lowest or was riddled with dread about something, i’d suddenly get a notif that he was live. like he’d just pop up when i’d need a distraction the most. even if it was a temporary relief, it would often help take my mind off of things and sometimes it was the only time i’d smile or laugh in an entire week. he was already such a comforting person to me, but it was only amplified every time he went live seeking the same feeling and i quickly found a lot of solace in the thought that we both seeked a familiar warmth for a while. i think a lot of people felt the same. i was seriously getting though the first half of the year thanks to the music the members were releasing and jk’s lives. that’s it. not much else was driving me forward.

then june 11th happened. that morning, i was woken up by my mom telling me my older sister was unresponsive in the hospital. i won’t go into specifics of what happened, but i ended up spending the whole day at home alone while the rest of my family rushed to the hospital. i couldn’t go with them. i knew i wasn’t going to be able to handle it and that made me feel absolutely riddled with guilt. instead, i spent hours in bed just waiting for text updates of what was going on, but they were few and far between. all i’d been told was that they were going to turn her life support off at some point in the day and i hadn’t heard anything after that for a few hours, so i didn’t know if it had happened yet or not for what felt like ages. i felt totally in the dark.

so i was laying there feeling numb, not doing anything but trying to reconcile with losing a sibling so soon and staring at my phone, willing news to come through but also praying it would stay silent. in my denial, silence meant what was happening wasn’t actually happening.

then that 🌟 JK live notif came through out of no where and i felt my heart literally stutter because there was just no fucking way. this was the first time i’d ever gotten that notif at that hour in my timezone. he rarely did morning lives, what on earth could he be doing? why now? why why why?

absolutely nothing in that moment was more important than my sister and what my family was experiencing, but there was literally nothing that i or anyone could do. i was helpless and unable to process the million thoughts and questions running through my head. in my desperate need for that familiar comfort, that distraction, i eagerly clicked the notif and was faced with those big, ridiculous brown eyes blinking at me sideways over the top of a blanket in his bed too. “you can’t be serious,” i said to my screen out loud and then i fucking laughed. incredulously, in disbelief, in amusement, in horror, in grief, in happiness, all of the above.

“how did you know?” i wanted to sob, but all i could do was keep laying there, practically comatose (for lack of a better word), as i watched who had steadily become what felt like my closest and dearest friend across the ocean tell me he wanted company falling asleep. it almost felt like a sick joke the universe was playing on me. like hey, you need a distraction from something really bad happening and it’s not gonna change a thing and it’s parasocial as fuck, but it’s literally the only thing that’s been working so far up until this point aka the lowest point. so here he is, the booooy.

anyway, he fell asleep. i finally rested my eyes. my thoughts calmed down for a brief while. frankly, at the risk of sounding insane, i felt like i was being looked after. supported? no, he had no clue. he was in dreamland and his arm was twitching. he hadn’t even said much after the first few minutes and once he passed out, all that mattered until it would inevitably be cut off was the fact that he was just… there.

my sister passed away not too long after the live was turned off. i wasn’t told until a couple hours later, but the fact is this: in the hour leading up to it, i was successfully distracted and i was comforted. of course, it didn’t last long but it had helped me in the moment i most needed it (again, but x10000) and i am forever in jungkook’s debt for those last few moments of solitude before my entire year was flipped on a permanent axis that day. i’m with one less sister and the grief has been insurmountable.

so i just wanna say if it’s seemed like i’ve been leaning a bit more on jungkook than usual this year, this is why. he’s just been an angel for me, quite literally. it’s also why i refuse to entertain any messages i receive slandering him for whatever reason or accusing me of favoring him over anyone else lately when that’s just not the case. i’m just trying to get by. i’m channeling my grief into my content, my creations, and in doing so, i am channeling my love and appreciation into what is getting me through it the most. so it’s a waste of time to twist it into something it isn’t and i’ll only ever give you a pity laugh and move on. none of the kpop industry jargon that people get mad about these days matters to me at all and life is too short to waste being angry about shit you can’t control. you don’t know what people are going through and you don’t know what someone means to someone else or why. so put your energy towards things that make you happy instead. you’ll feel better. i never owed an explanation, but there it is if you’ve been looking for one.

to wrap this up, i didn’t think i’d ever write any of this down and i could probably write essays just as long as this one for all the other members and what they did for me this year too. it’s going to be incredibly hard to see them go. my ult bias for-fucking-ever, my taehyung, i simply do not know how i’m going to get through my days without him. i just can’t picture or fathom it and i don’t fucking want to. he’s my favorite person in the world. i will be so empty with him gone. there are no words for how painful it’ll be so i’m not even gonna try to find them. my sweet jimin who also brings so much comfort and hilarity into my life, i simply cannot stomach the thought of him going away. my dear namjoon who i swear to god yanks my ass back up above water when i feel like i’m drowning in my feelings and inspires me to be better, what the hell am i gonna do? i’m already spiraling without yoongi’s tranquility. and of course, jungkook, who you now know has just been an incredibly special presence in my life this year. someone i’ve learned so much from, laughed with, cried with, eaten with, rested with, who showed up for me over and over and over and has no idea the impact he had, how grateful i am. i’ll never be able to thank him. thank you thank you thank you for being there for me. thank you all the members for fucking being there for me literally all the time.

this sucks! this sucks but i’m gonna power through it with the rest of you. i’m gonna try.

[projectjasper]

for the ask game... toey! 🙌

damn, y'all decided to really indulge me today and have me write out a million headcanons! well, thank you 🥹

choose a character and ask about my headcanons here, if you like

🏳️‍🌈 a sexuality headcanon

biromantic asexual.

🏳️‍⚧️ a gender headcanon

honestly, he's kind of giving binary trans guy vibes, so let's go with that <3

😇 a headcanon about their religion/lack thereof

very religious, buddhist obviously. can't say any more on that, because i am unfortunately not very knowledgable about buddhism, but yeah.

🧸 a headcanon about their childhood

from the little that we know of his parents, it seems like they accepted the fact that he suddenly decided to study art, which is a good sign. he also seems fairly well-adjusted. but we do know he was bullied at school, which means his nice home life was unfortunately up against his shitty school life, so he has had some bad experiences during his childhood for sure.

👻 a headcanon about what scares them

horror movies! cannot stand them. has nightmares after watching them all the time. psychologically, abandonment, obviously (thanks, q /lh).

🎶 a headcanon about music

post-punk for life, actually.

💤 a headcanon about their sleep

he falls asleep really easily ✨ imagining scenarios ✨

💝 a headcanon about their love language

i think quality time wins with him. just being there, next to q, was enough for him. but also acts of service, because he legit giggled and kicked his feet, when q sharpened his pencils.

🫂 a friendship headcanon

despite his charming and adorable personality, he doesn't make friends that easily. he really only got close with matt organically. otherwise, fang and phum started protecting him first, and he got close to our main friendship group through becoming q's mentee.

💔 an angsty headcanon

he spent a lot of time crying and wondering what he's done wrong after q disappeared :(

🪢 a headcanon about their family

like i mentioned, when i talked about his childhood, i think his parents are really lovely. oh, and he is an only child.

📓 a headcanon about their hobbies

to top off skateboarding and drawing, he gives me gamer vibes.

👗 a headcanon about their clothes

he is giving someone who dresses at a store for skaters but doesn't actually care about fashion that much. he has the familiar baggy jeans and shoes and everything, but they don't feel that intentional.

🔪 a headcanon relating to fighting/violence

just absolutely not a violent person at all.

🌟 a headcanon about their desires/wishes

i don't think he's quite there yet, but paired off with my gaming headcanon, i think he's gonna wanna be something like a concept artist for games and stuff in the future.

🥇 a headcanon about what they’re best at

he's great at art! no questions there! he might not have that immediate natural talent like q, but he's really good and he improves daily.

🍫 a headcanon about food

he loves sweet things. can't live without soda and chocolate and snacks.

🎭 a headcanon about what they lie about

to be honest, despite all the shenanigans, i don't think he is big on lying.

❤️‍🔥 a romantic headcanon

he is a very softly romantic person. i don't think he's huge on any "classic" romantic gestures, none of that restaurants and roses and things. but he is very romantic in the big sense, i'm sure the fact that he has been in love with q this whole time and has been waiting for him is proof enough of that. and he definitely loves their special little romantic quirks, like the sticky notes.

😺 an animal related headcanon

he adores animals of all sorts and qtoey are probably gonna have a whole entire zoo at their home in a couple of years.

😭 a headcanon about the worst thing that happened to them

probably unfortunately q disappearing. all the school stuff is definitely a close second, but i think his sticky note crush just caused that special kind of self-doubt, and no one was in his corner (regarding that particular situation) to support him with what he was going through and convince him he wasn't at fault.

😶 a random headcanon!

he is deeply monogamous or, as i like to call it, delusionally loyal. meaning that even if he was approached by someone, who was interested in him, in that period between q disappearing and them getting close again, he would reject that person, because he was waiting for q.

[reikiajakoiranruohoja]

W5: Why do I think it is bad

When W20 (Werewolf the Apocalypse 20th anniversary edition) came out, it was a joyous occasion for multiple reasons. First, it was the first proper book released for the game in 10 years. Second, it was proof that the old game still had fans who were willing to try a new edition.

And third; W20 was about hope.

From its beginning comic about rising up to fight despite the odds to the way the book offered chances to play the lost tribes, to the way the supplements followed suit in offering more options and interesting ideas to use, W20 was about going on despite the odds.

This is not the feeling one gets reading Werewolf the Apocalypse 5th edition. Despite being a reboot, the book spends pages guilt-tripping players about playing garou. There is little hope, because being a garou sucks and most importantly; The fight for Gaia might not even be real.

Now, I am not one to say no to Alternative Universes, I enjoy the concept a lot. But W5 is still a game and so needs more than a rant about how badly the garou screwed up, it needs gameplay. And the gameplay W5 offers is sitting in your caern defending your turf while the world around you burns and if you dare to take action? You might become mad and become a fascist.

I need to remind you all that the core of WtA is the fight against pollution, systematic oppression, your own ancestors and your own Rage. The horror is how impossible the fight seems, how easily you can turn on your friends and how tempting an easy way out is.

The horror in W5 is how bad your ancestors were and how terrible it is to be a garou.

Personal Horror has always been the wheelhouse of Vampire the Masquerade, as being a vampire forces you to create justifications for your actions. Werewolf is titled Feral Horror for a reason, the horror is more external than internal. Yet W5 tries to make it internal like in VtM, leaving behind all the environmental horror. Indeed, W5 is written quite clearly with purely urban characters in mind with very little focus on nature.

Anyone who is familiar with NWoD/Chronicle of Darkness should by now notice that this sounds quite a bit like Werewolf the Forsaken. This is because W5 has taken a lot from Forsaken, but without truly understanding the way these parts make Forsaken what it is.

But all of this is, as we say in the community, fluff. What about the mechanics? Surely they are at least fun?

The way Rage works in W5 is extremely punishing because Rage has its own dice that replace normal dice the more you have. If you fail with these dice, your character will destroy something. At best. Worse is that any Rage above the hilariously small maximum of 5 gives your character willpower damage. The kicker is that you cannot choose to use Rage Dice when you want to, nor can you control their use. It is all or nothing.

Rage in the previous editions of WtA was a power versus control trap. You could do amazing things with your Rage, but the more you had the easier it was to lose control and the harder it was to deal with humans. What made Rage such a clever trap, was that gaining more was often based on player action. Those seeking a fast way to power would end up being creatures with very little to no self-control.

Rage Dice are not that, they make the life of a PC hard no matter what they do and at times punish players by taking actions as werewolves.

Another mechanic that punishes and in fact has some really unfortunate implications attached to it is Hauglosk. Stated to be the opposite of Harano, Hauglosk is in reality a way for the ST to punish any player who plays in a way that the ST does not approve. Worse, Hauglosk is at one point stated to be equal to fascism.

On the fluff side, Hauglosk also serves as a way to limit what the PCs can do as the book helpfully notes it manifests in the form of absolute certainty to your cause and the want to act NOW. Since we are on Tumblr here, I should not have to note how baffling that is in a game about activism.

The way Hauglosk is written is most likely to justify the removal of a tribe from the playable roster. The Get of Fenris might have had their issues, but W5's cult of Fenris is said to be utterly lost to Hauglosk. By wanting to keep fighting the Wyrm with certainty. The sheer vitriol this book has for the Get of Fenris is to the point where some tribes do worse things than they do but are still playable. Worse, by the book itself, you can redeem a Black Spiral Dancer but not a Cult of Fenris member.

Let me repeat that; You can redeem a rapist torturer who willingly pollutes and eats humans but you CANNOT redeem a person fighting on the same side as you who is a bit more fanatic about the cause.

This push to make the tribe into essentially fascists didn't come from an edgelord writer. It came from the Brand Manager who pushed for it very hard, while doing their damnedest to take away feminism from the Black Furies and ignored suggestions from Indigenous writer about the Native American tribes. Sadly, because this person still IS the Brand Manager, Furies are no longer women-only and no tribe has ties to any human culture.

(Also, just to be clear; Paradox denied the Onyx Path developers any name changes to the Native American tribes and the only reason their names were changed in W5 is thanks to the aforementioned Indigenous writer fighting for the changes tooth and nail.)

These are only a few things that make W5 a mess, but I hope I shed some light on the issue.

[tsams-au-confessions]

I’m glad to know you’ve heard of Mario.

For curious, Mario, the music box is an RPG horror game involving Mario, Luigi, & them going through absolute hell.

The reason I bring this up twice is because that is the gutwrenching fan game. I am throwing them into. And I am having the older twin as Mario and the younger twin as Luigi. So the older twin is gonna be possessed by a woman who got tricked and corrupted by a demon when she was a kid.

This also means if we take the classic DLC into account, the blood twins are getting ancient ancestors that had a heart wrenching betrayal that was in vain

(my best recommendation if you’re not familiar with the game is to either play it yourself or watch a play through of it blind because my mini synopsis cannot do justice to how beautiful and heartbreaking this game is)

☀️🌙

Alright!

[ecargmura]

Rereading Pandora Hearts Is A Wild Ride - Volume 1 Review

The reason why my favorite manga is Pandora Hearts is because of how well-crafted the story is. The story has cleverly crafted details sprinkled out throughout the slow beginning that begin to connect once you reach the second half of the story. Once you reach the second half, your mind just short circuits because of the crazy plot twists. I am forever traumatized by the second half of the book. Rereading Pandora Hearts is going to be an absolute wild ride because I already know what happens and all the details that come with each key dialogue. I am going to do my best to not write a 5000 word essay on why I love this manga so much and I’m doing my absolute best to avoid major spoilers. I’ll just give you hints and key points to focus on while reading this amazing ride.

What is Pandora Hearts about? It’s about a fifteen-year-old boy named Oz Vessalius who is celebrating his coming-of-age ceremony that goes down in the dumps when it gets crashed by hooded figures that want to send him to a fictional version of Hell called Abyss because of his sin, which is his very existence. In order to escape Abyss, he meets a girl named Alice who is also a Chain, creatures that dwell in the Abyss. They form a contract and Oz is taken back to the surface where he meets both familiar and unfamiliar faces. Now, Oz is on a journey to help Alice find her lost memories and for an answer on why his sin is his existence.

The first volume is the slow start of this soon-to-be roller coaster ride. The first chapter is the introduction of Oz, his sister Ada, his servant and best friend Gilbert and his uncle Oscar. It’s just character introduction and a bit of world building. Listening to Lacie while read the middle of the first chapter is a wonderful experience. I totally recommend listening to the Pandora Hearts OST while reading the manga.

The manga is a mix of horror and fantasy—which is Mochizuki’s forte. If you thought the monsters from The Case Study of Vanitas are scary, well, I think Pandora Hearts’ monsters are scarier. There are haunted dolls in the first chapter! I don’t like haunted dolls. However, from the first chapter alone, the foreshadowing of Oz’s sin is already hinted at. He meets an illusion of Alice who says that he has come back and that he has always came to her room. If you know what Oz’s sin is…well, the that dialogue is already triggering war flashbacks for me.

What I liked about chapter one is essentially the character and world building. The setting is unique. Also, if you did not know, the entire manga has elements of Alice in Wonderland sprinkled into it. I love Alice in Wonderland, so this manga is right up my alley. I think my excitement for what’s to come is stemmed from the fact that I am rereading this.

The second chapter has the crazy action sequences from Black Rabbit/Alice’s formal appearance to Oz being sent down to the Abyss. The introduction of Break and Sharon are a game changer as they are important characters. We also see what a coming of age ceremony is like and how people younger than fifteen cannot attend and what it does. Too bad it got cut short. The hooded figures are a terrifying bunch as they possess Gilbert in order to sabotage the ceremony.

This chapter brings about a tension that the first chapter did not have. What saddens me the most was that no one was at Oz’s side during the events. Gilbert was mainly possessed and protected an enemy from Oz’s sword. Oscar was MIA. All Oz had was the Black Rabbit defending him and it still wasn’t enough. I do love Oz’s character as someone who does fight back despite being a young noble boy. Oz is such a good protagonist. I love him so much. I also hated the scene where Gilbert got slashed by Oz to defend the enemy. Man, Gilbert did not deserve that at all. My sweet baby boy… Also, keep an eye on the hooded figures. They’re important later on. Another key point to keep an eye on is Alice’s appearance. She appears before Oz and his adversaries saying that he belongs to her. Keep an eye on her possessive dialogue. 

The third chapter is basically Oz’s time in the Abyss. It’s not a pleasant place to be in. Creepy Chains are everywhere. Oz meets Alice who isn’t a pleasant person to be with, but she’s still earnest. Oz gets lied to by a Chain by pretending to be Sharon. It’s like Hell in a way. In order to escape the Abyss and to protect Alice, he forms a contract with her. 

My favorite aspect of the third chapter is the comedic placement. A serious scene like Oz meeting Alice and calling her the ‘girl who molested me’ ended him getting kicked in the face by her comedically. The comedic timing reminds me a lot of Fullmetal Alchemist (Hiromu Arakawa is one of Mochizuki’s influences). I think the impromptu comedic aspects lightens the mood from going too edgy and I like that. The bond Oz and Alice formed after their bickering starts a chain of warmth that made me realize why I love this manga so much. Oz and Alice’s relationship is a very special one that I cannot say right now, but it’s a wonderful bond that will solidify as time goes by. Also, props to Sharon for rescuing Oz. Man, she is such an underrated character. Also, keep a close eye on why the Black Rabbit chain looks the most human of the bunch you see in Abyss.

Chapter four tells of what happened after Sharon rescued Oz and he is taken back to the surface. Break and Sharon look the same, so it’s unknown how much time have passed since the ceremony. Break has him under arrest. Break is associated with an organization called Pandora. Pandora researches the Abyss and since Oz got out, he needs to be arrested and researched. Alice gets in the way of the arrest—it turns out that she has escaped with Oz by hiding in his body. Alice is desperate and hostile because of her goal: to find her lost memories. After seeing a vulnerable side to her, Oz decides to help her out as he has a goal too: to find out what his sin truly is.

I love that the end of this volume established a goal for Oz and Alice, the heroine also has a goal. I do love how the atmosphere of the surface world does seem mysterious because of the unknown time frame that happened from the ceremony to his current time at the estate. It also makes you wonder if the surface world really is reality for Oz. Also, Alice is a riot and I love her a lot. The way she changed from violent to vulnerable to haughty in the same chapter is both funny and a bit sad in a way. All this girl wants to find her memories. Break is also the best character of the entire manga, but he’s not my favorite. Break gets the plot rolling as he makes Oz a member of his staff. Xerxes Break will always be the coolest character. Also, keep an eye on all of the characters you see in this chapter because they’re important.

I know this review is a lot different from my reviews of the Tales of Zestiria manga and Witch Hat Atelier because of the fact that I already know everything that happens. Also, Pandora Hearts is a story that you cannot just review from an overall perspective; it’s a story that you have to dig into chapter by chapter because it all connects together after a certain point, hence why I did just that. I did my absolute best to give out my thoughts for each chapter and key points to keep an eye on. Please let me know if this helps you understand the soon-to-be complexness of the manga.

Because I’m fucking biased, this volume is an instant 5/5. It’s a good start to the soon-to-be chaos. If you’re curious, I highly recommend this manga to anyone wanting a good fantasy manga read. I assure you, you will NOT be disappointed. THE ART IS PRETTY TOO! LOOK AT THE COVER! I also have Mochizuki’s first art book which I would love to review once I get the chance.

When will this wonderful manga get a new anime? I’m waiting. I will make live reaction videos if a new anime ever gets announced.

[anachrosims]

I'm so tired of this "baby-proofing" of the internet and pop culture. And no, I don't consider warning for sensitive topics/words to be baby-proofing.

(Warning: Mentions of common trigger words below.)

Can't say words like death or sex or suicide-- can't say swear words-- can't post even tasteful nudity or sexual content, much less all your niche fetishistic things-- without worrying about the banhammer or being censored or having your content removed. And yet, we do need content moderation-- within reason. A balance needs to be struck between legitimately harmful content and everything else.

There is no easy answer to this. Bots do not solve the problem of weeding out things that are uploaded with ill/harmful/illegal intent and there are horror stories out there (feel free to look up what human filters go through on YouTube) of actual people gettiing rapidly burned out because of having to weed out the millions of GB of absolute shit being dumped online every hour. This is nothing to say of content that helps spread inflammatory rhetoric and misinformation but is not outright graphic--and where the line on that is drawn varies from person to person. A robot cannot make a call on all these perfectly and neither can a team of people due to the sheer volume.

The last ten years, I've seen this spread into online culture where people are increasingly unable, unequipped, unwilling (or all of the above) to address more tough/sensitive topics in a productive manner.

What it comes down to, in my opinion, is corporatization of western culture (speaking for the hemisphere I live in and am most familiar with). The "corporatization" of culture has been going on for a long, long time, it's true. But at least for a time, the internet was a "wild west", a pocket of culture and subcultures that wasn't monetized, commodified, sanitized, and whitewashed for mass marketing appeal--it's easier to reach the widest audience if your content is bland enough to be palettable to the lowest common denominator.

It's been upsetting, to say the least, to watch the rapid sandblasting of so many things I love--including, but not limited to: Video games, social media, online spaces in general.

The only way I can think to effectively fight this can be summed up in one word: Education.

Read books. Take free/cheap courses on media literacy from reputable sources. Look up effective ways to communicate with other people. Learn how to debate and present arguments and how to listen, in turn. Try to learn how to stop yourself when you're getting emotional about anything and ask yourself: Why am I upset about this? What will flying off the handle do? Am I justified in speaking out? If I'm justified, is this really the time/place to speak out? Learn how to hold your tongue--not because of other people but to protect yourself and your mental health from overextending and from bringing eyes on you when you aren't ready for those consequences. Learn to read and speak in good faith.

All of these things take consistent practice. Culture can't be changed overnight and neither can you, but how those changes start to stick is by all of us practicing and changing over time.

We don't need to put up with the sanitization of our world by people who will be dead in a few decades. Gen Z and Millennials and even Gen X have already had so much stolen from us; I don't want to see them take it all. We have to build our own world brick by brick in the crumbling remnants of the past and that vibrant and good place starts with educating ourselves and each other.

[weirdwriter69]

Kiss Me Goodnight

Will comforts the reader after they wake up from a bad nightmare. Fandom: Ikemen Vampire Rating: G Tags: Fluff, Nightmares, Comfort, First Person Word Count: 1,433

Tossing and turning in my sleep, I snap awake from my nightmares. I find myself in a familiar place. Will’s favorite soft silk sheets are beneath me, and I carefully turn over to see him sleeping next to me. I sit up in the bed, trying to clear my head. I can’t recall what exactly happened in my nightmare, but it made me feel absolutely terrified like I had been swallowed by a black abyss, never to escape. I take a deep breath and try to lay back down.

A few moments later, my body viciously shakes me awake. I am forced to lay awake once again, but this time, Will stirs awake. A soft sigh escapes from his lips before he stretches and grunts. He isn’t sure what awoke him. Regardless, he puts his arm back around me, signaling me to lay back down and curl up next to him. I easily do as I am told. Pressing my ear against his chest, I love hearing the rhythmic thumping of his heart. He mumbles in his sleeping voice, “What happened, my precious one?”

I quickly whisper, “Nothing, just nightmares again.”

His discolored eyes flick open as he becomes fully alert. His glaze focuses on me. “What haunts thou at such a late hour? The only thought that should stuff our small heads is the blessed silence of sleep or if we are lucky, the holy land of dreams, but never shall thou be cursed with nightmares, not under my roof nor under my arm.”

His sweet poetic words carry the truth, yet they are far from it. I find myself haunted by my past. I left my time period so long ago; however, my past or the upcoming future taints my every waking moment.

I have spent the last three years with Will after moving out of Comte’s mansion. I decided on a whim to give up on my dream of getting my Ph.D. in America. Well, it was never my dream. It was some idea passed down onto by my parents. I was halfway through my bachelor’s when I went to study aboard one summer in Paris, and I followed a strange man through a time traveling door. The rest is history.

I do not regret my choice. I am much better off here than I was there. My passion has always been in the arts, and Will recognized that. He saw my love for creative writing and acting. Under his wing, I became a successful actor in his troupe, and I have even begun writing manuscripts for stories of my own.

Right now, it does not make sense why the past haunts me so. I should be happy and carefree with everything that has happened to me. I am with the man of my dreams for Christ’s sake, yet some part of me feels as if I am burden in this time period. Will often joking teases me that I am not fit for this time. Even after three consecutive years in the nineth century, I still stick out like a sore thumb.

I look up to Will. “It’s nothing now. I can’t recall what even happened.”

He stares at me for a moment longer to look at the truth within my eyes. His expression relaxes while he gently strokes my cheek. “There is a cloud behind thine irises. A rainy day, no matter how small, can still ruin a party, and the last thing I wish is for thee to be tortured by the pains and chills of harsh rain. I want thee to suffer no storm alone,” Will whispers to me.

His ostentatious words convey his care. Before I can form a reply, he sighs and hugs me, “If words cannot depict the horrors within your fragile mind, relax into me, my darling.”

“I think… it was a nightmare about my past. People were upset and angry with me that I left everything on the flip of a dime. They demanded that I return all the happiness I somehow stole from them. There was a points system and everything. It didn’t make much sense. Heh, my university was after me as well because of my unpaid tuition I still owe them,” I carefully pieced together what was bothering me, “Look, I don’t regret staying at all, but sometimes, I can’t help but wonder what is happening back in the future. Other times, I worry about what would have happened to me if I choose to go home or if I didn’t have the wonderful opportunity to meet you and all the other residents at the mansion.”

Will sympathetically nods, “Please do not fear what is no longer reality. I know it is one thing to say and another thing to do. I am glad that thou stayed in a realm different from thine own; however, I understand that it seems like a sacrifice on nights like this. Thou owe no one any emotion nor are thou required to pay debts with points and trials.”

I stare at the blank ceiling as the room is swallowed into a shallow silence broken by soft breathing. The words fall to come to my lips, but I let out a small chuckle, “yeah, I just worry. I worry a lot over the small reasons regardless of if they are real or not, ya know that. Heh, this reminds me of the first nightmare I had coming here about a vampire who bite me, and Sebastian warned me not to give anyone my heart or my destiny.”

Will follows along with the story. “I do recall someone running off in fear, and that is how I found the beauty in front of me. Time is a collection of random tragedies and comedies, my dear. Nothing ends how we want it to, but all’s well that ends well. As thou hast seen, time travelers are not free from the hands of chance and fate. Thou did not give up thine heart nor destiny; instead, thou followed thine heart and destiny.”

A smile slips across my face. “Thank you, Will, for being here and being there for me. I know it’s hard for you to grasp the reality we live in as well. You woke up from the 1600’s and got thrown two hundred years into the future while for me, it was getting tossed two hundred years in the past. Two sides of the same coin of troubles you might say. Forgive my ramblings, but I deeply appreciate you, Will.”

I lightly tap his nose. “In fact, I love you,” I tease him as I echo the same words he has heard over and over again, but I still mean it just as strongly as when I said it to him the first time. He pinches my nose in return. “I love you too, Juliet”

“You prick!” I jokingly yelp at him while softly smacking him with my pillow, “If we are but a fleeting, teenage romance to you… well, I- I… I don’t have a comeback for the Bard of Avon.”

He sticks out his tongue while laughing. “Like Romeo, I was at death’s door for my love, but unlike the fool who plays with the strings of love, I came to you because I heard the music. My words utter no false ills. Our romance was not the end of us. It was a new beginning in a new era.”

I can never match his mythical language, but I could quote his works back at him. “If music be the food of love, play on.”

Will puts on a fox’s smile, “a writer should know better than to quote another author so blandly. Thou did not do the line the justice it so rightfully deserves, but alas the adorable look you wear makes it worth it.”

I completely forgot that I woke up because of a nightmare. Will had his magical way of distracting me. Exhaustion sank into my bones as the moonlight came through the window. I settled down, pulling the covers back up.

Will pouts, “I may be a tease, but I wish thou would kiss me goodnight.”

I hold his warm cheek in my hand, and I press my lips gently on his forearm. “Goodnight, William. May the land of sleep bring thou dreams instead of nightmares plagued by false lies and promises. Tomorrow, we will wake up to a new day, but for now, we must rest.”

He steals a kiss from my lips. “Now, this bard can sleep happily with his love in his arms forever more.”

[moviemunchies]

Some Octobers, I think that I should actually watch movies that are vaguely spooky. I don’t do horror films, but there are plenty of other movies that might fit the bill for Halloween. Usually, though, I don’t get around to it.

Well this year I got to re-watching Tucker & Dale vs. EVIL and I think that works for Halloween.

Tucker & Dale vs. EVIL has this premise: a group of college kids go to the woods, and when one of their own gets kidnapped by hillbillies, they decided to fight back. The twist is that the main characters are the hillbillies, and they’re not villains, they didn’t kidnap a college girl, they saved her after she hit her head. Her friends don’t know that, though, and since they’re clueless, stupid, college kids, they keep getting themselves horribly killed while trying to rescue her. Blaming it on the hillbillies, they resort to increasingly ridiculous and violent methods to fight these two guys who only want to vacation in a cabin in the woods.

It’s violent, it’s gory, and it’s hilarious.

The movie’s message is obviously that people shouldn’t judge each other based on appearances. Dale is very awkward and comes across as weird to Allison and her friends, but he’s a great guy. If anyone had actually effectively communicated, if people had sat down and clearly explained what it is that they were actually doing, this Plot would have been avoided.

Mind you, it’s also because the people in the movie are pretty dumb. The kids are pretty dumb, in how they keep dying, but Tucker and Dale aren’t exactly super observant either. They walk into a cabin with bones hanging from the ceiling, and newspaper clippings of horrible crimes, and absolutely no warning bells go off? It works for comedy purposes (“I think an archaeologist lived here!”), though it makes you wonder if communication would have worked to begin with the more you think about it.

I’m also not familiar with horror movies, but I feel as if I’ve watched/read a ton of stories in which college-aged kids are surprisingly competent in combat and survival. Of course, most people have no idea what they’re doing, and the kids here don’t either–they quickly rush into situations and get themselves killed in stupid ways.

There’s an element of the ending that is a little bit of a copout? Spoiler alert, but it’s revealed that the homicidal leader of the college kids, Chad, is actually the son of a violent hillbilly. The idea that hillbillies aren’t any worse than anyone else is undermined by the notion that actually yes, there apparently are killer hillbilly genes out there that can turn someone into a murderous maniac. Communication wouldn’t work if it’s just in his DNA, right? 

Then again, I think the point isn’t necessarily that Chad has killer DNA, it’s that he’s prejudiced against a group of people that he himself is related to. Still, I don’t know that Chad needed a backstory that gave an excuse for him being evil. The idea that he’s a young man so full of himself that he doesn’t question his prejudices, because it lets him live out his hero fantasy, even if it gets his companions killed… that’s strong enough.

I suspect I’m thinking too hard about this, though.

I am not really a fan of horror films, so I cannot speak to how well this movie resonates with that fanbase. I’d like to think that fans of slasher films will enjoy it, but I don’t know. I did enjoy it quite a lot, though, and I think if you’re willing to try a spoof of middle-of-nowhere, killer hillbilly slasher movies, then you’ll have tons of fun with Tucker & Dale vs. EVIL.

[lannisterdaddyissues]

Hello it is a day later and I am STILL thinking about EoT and getting distracted at work because wow. I thought you might appreciate more thoughts?

One of the things that made me consider EoT was seeing someone call it "secretly the best video game movie" and in the first 20 minutes I was like "Ah okay yes I understand what they meant"

NO I DID NOT because the creeping horror of the movie didn't really kick in until after that introductory sequence when I realize oh no this isn't an aesthetic thing or a cinematography thing, no. EoT is secretly the best video game movie because Bill Cage is basically "what if the character being speedran understood that he was in a speedrun." The sequence breaking, the mashing through 'cutscenes,' the literalization of deathwarping.

I am frankly desperate to ask the original author or McQuarrie if they are familiar with video games because this movie took a lot of rote, basic facts of games and turned them into this rising suspensive drama. As I was watching with @interropunct I kept going "OH WE ARE GONNA HAVE SUCH TRAUMA FROM THIS HUH" and "these two are Same Trauma buddies for life now" and "oh my god he's deathwarping."

Anyway yeah I feel like the real pitch of this movie is "Bill Cage is a Titanfall 2 character and experiences the existential terror of being part of a massive speedrun reroute and its amazing."

Literally the only bad thing I can say is the final 20 minutes were so poorly lit I stopped trying to track the action and was like "See if McQ was directing, I'd be able to see shit."

ALSO THAT MUSIC CUE TO THE CREDITS, WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THAT NEEDS A HIGH FIVE AND A HANDSHAKE. That music cue honestly acts as an epilogue through implication, letting me know what's next for Rita and Bill. Huge fan.

YES????? YES!!!!!!!! ARC YOU GET IT THIS MOVIE IS SO URHSGHASKLFJHRKGASDJFKLSAJGKJSFDK

it's so fucking... chilling.... like the first couple scenes where we see bill trying to cut in through the whole battle is the great redeemer speech? that's like a gamer's horror film right there: not being able to skip cutscenes. add to that the fact that there's only one save point AND the AI is self-aware and knows what you're going to do before you do it, AND it has the ability to take away all your lives? absolutely horrifying. i cannot imagine a gamer and going through what bill cage went through.

i found the letterbox'd page for eot recently and this one review on it was like. something out of r/TwoSentenceHorror if it was more like r/TwoParagraphHorror. just read this:

i mean. this fucked me up. what could take 2 hours in a game could take years in real life........... utterly chilling to think about!

re: titanfall i have never heard of that game before bUT YOU'RE RIGHT IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE EOT ON THE COVER LMAO

AND THE SOUNDTRACK!!!! THE SOUNDTRACK!!!! i get goosebumps every time the end credits roll i swear. there's never been a more perfect outro to a more perfect movie. doug liman i am in your goddamn walls.

excellent thoughts, 10/10, i LOVE to hear this kind of thing!!! i hadn't thought much about the underlying horror implications of eot being video game-esque before but honestly it is so fucked and i will be sending my therapy bill to tom & mcq for it <3

[visceravalentines]

DEAR MEG

I think you wrote that you loved the movie Annihilation. If I misremembered, please feel free to ignore this asdfg.

I remember I saw it and I really enjoyed the visuals, and the terrifying mutated plant bear screaming with a human voice (that part was haunting holy crap) but besides those scenes I wasn't super scared???

Maybe my brain is too small to understand the horror of it asdfghjk

But anyway, what I wanted to ask is, what were your favorite parts of the movie, and what scared you? If you don't mind me asking!

Have a nice day!!!

SOL MY LOVE

thank u for sending me this ask it is so lovely let's talk about cool movies!!!

I love Annihilation the movie but I also love Annihilation the book!! they are very different, only the very basic characters and concept make it into the movie. which makes sense because the book is surreal and abstract and can be hard to interpret what is actually going on at certain moments, and that doesn't translate very well to the big screen. the book, to me, is far more unsettling than the movie. I will answer for both! brain explosion below the cut!

it's an absolutely gorgeous film, weird and captivating and creepy. I love the body horror, the found footage from the previous expedition where the man's intestines are moving of their own accord......incredible. that bear???? scares the bejeezus out of me every time I watch it. one of the scariest creatures I can think of in a horror movie, creatures don't usually freak me out. the sound it makes haunts me. and the bear is not in the book! the book has......other guys. I also thought Natalie Portman ate the role of the biologist. she is distant and offputting and has very little interest in anything but the natural world around her, both in the book and in the movie.

in the book we get much more of a look into the biologist's very rich and strange internal life, and I remember reading it for the first time and being shocked how much I related to her. she was one of the first characters, maybe THE first character, I identified with on a meaningful level. when I read the book again recently I was pleased to find that hasn't changed, even though I have changed a lot since my first read. she is by no means an ideal role model or even a reliable narrator, but I just adore her. and her husband nicknames her Ghost Bird, which is everything to me.

the horror in the book is ultimately about something unmaking you and the world around you in a way you cannot understand. it's a very cosmic horror concept distilled down into very manageable pieces--a plant that begins to alter what you are with just a single touch. a creature that looks like something familiar, but feels distinctly wrong, or distinctly human. something wearing a face that does not belong to it. a sound you cannot identify. words you know, words you can read, but you can't understand what they're saying. it's there, it's right there, but you don't quite get it, and suddenly you are no longer you anymore and it's too late. it's about love and nature and knowledge and meaning and the value of all of these things and the horror of all of these things.

here are some of my very favorite lines from the book, the ones that give me the shivers every time I read it for one reason or another!!

"I am walking forever on the path from the border to base camp. It is taking a long time, and I know it will take even longer to get back. There is no one with me. I am all by myself. The trees are not trees the birds are not birds and I am not me but just something that has been walking for a very long time..."

This was really the only thing I discovered in him after his return: a deep and unending solitude, as if he had been granted a gift that he didn't know what to do with. A gift that was poison to him and eventually killed him. But would it have killed me?

I took the photograph out of its frame, shoved it in my pocket. The lighthouse keeper would come with me, although he hardly counted as a good-luck charm. As I left the landing, I had the peculiar thought that I was not the first to pocket the photo, that someone would always come behind to replace it, to circle the lighthouse keeper again.

Can you really imagine what it was like in those first moments, peering down into that dark space, and seeing that? Perhaps you can. Perhaps you're staring at it now.

"We should never have come here. I should never have come here." "That's all?" "I've come to believe it is the one fundamental truth."

There shall be a fire that knows your name, and in the presence of the strangling fruit, its dark flame shall acquire every part of you.

An almost plaintive keening, a lonely sound in that place, called out to me. And kept calling, pleading with me to return, to see it entire, to acknowledge its existence. I did not look back. I kept running.

Almost anyone else might see it differently. But I am not those people. I am just the biologist; I don't require any of this to have a deeper meaning.

[thisbluespirit]

HELLO!!! I AM CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH THE REBLOGS FROM THE "WOULD YOU LIKE PEOPLE TOS END YOU SILLY ASKS?" SO I CAN SEND PEOPLE SILLY QUESTIONS!!!!

1. What is your least favorite element?

2. What is your favorite cryptid?

Thank you, anon! That was a kind thing to do. <3

idk if anon (being a random kind person) realises what that means to a Sapphire and Steel fan, but anyway: Gold. I cannot apply 'least favourite' to any TV Element. (Although, it would have been funny to reply with Steel without context, but it would also not have been true.) But we can all freely be mean to Gold, so that's fine.

I confess I had to go and look up 'cryptid' because I knew it meant some sort of horror-creature, but what the boundaries of the definition were, I wasn't at all sure. (Which tells you how much thought I put into cryptids.)

Anyway - the Loch Ness Monster seems like the most fun, although being from the West of England I am most familiar with the Beast of [insert name here] Moor (usually Bodmin), enough to have been scared about it. (Because the theory is basically not 'weird monster' you know can't really be true' but: large cat escaped from zoo/circus eating people and sheep, which is a lot harder to feel certain of it absolutely not being able to get you.)

[insomniac-jay]

Sneak peek for The Heroes

"Last night, yet another gang war erupted; this time in the residential district of downtown Kobe. The cause? The drug known as Ace-" The screen went black.

Sol turned towards Yukito with a look on his face that could only say "What the actual fuck?" He was sure they were thinking the same thing, that is couldn't be real.

"No..." Yukito ran his fingers through his hair. It couldn't be true. He could hardly believe it-- even his cigarette hung off his lips from such disbelief. "This cannot be real. I know there's not gang wars over this shit."

"But there is!" Sol flailed his arms in exasperation. Yukito couldn't have been so nonchalant about this when the situation is escalating. "Can you imagine my horror when I heard that on the news this morning?! And then I got an email from Sir Nighteye saying that we need to declare a public emergency!"

Yukito extinguished his cigarette then stood up. "Okay, okay. This shit is starting to go too far, but we can fix this before shit absolutely hits the fan."

For the past few days, gang wars have been erupting all around Japan for one thing: Ace. Plus his investigation into Typhon had hit a bump due to not having a mole.

"Well tick tock then, Yukito, because things are about to spiral out of our control even more. And we don't have a mole-"

"If you needed a mole, why didn't you just say so, Frosty?"

Both men turned to see a familiar face standing in the doorway. She was a tall, slender woman with warm brown skin and big dark brown eyes. Atop her head was a pair of white rabbit ears. In her palm was a yoyo.

Quick Escape Hero - White Rabbit (Kaguya Usakan)

Quirk: Rabbit Hole - Kaguya can create and link portals or use doorways, holes, and other openings as portals that she and others can travel through

"Kaguya!"

Kaguya smiled and walked towards the pair. "I can't believe you come to me for information and still don't come to me for a job like that."

"Being a mole is dangerous, Kaguya, especially with Typhon." Yukito warned. "If they find out who you are, they'll kill you or worse."

"Yukito Toshiba, I am both an escape artist and a spy." Kaguya put her hands on her hips. It's not like spying on big criminal organizations was something new to her. "I think I deserve some more action after all the favors I've done for you, old friend."

Yukito spoke up to protest, but stopped when Sol placed his hand on his shoulder.  Then he sighed in defeat.

"Fine, but be careful."

Sol handed her a small spy camera and other tools she'd need. "We're counting on you, Kaguya. This could save many lives."

"You can count on me, boys." Kaguya smiled then went on her way. That left two men to their own devices.

"What do we do now? Sir Nighteye is expecting results and action." Sol asked. "We cannot afford to not uphold our end."

"At most, we can help Sir Nighteye. At least, we can take a small break." Yukito replied, pulling out a box of cigarettes. It was quickly snatched away before it could even be opened.

"You have a smoking problem."

"It relieves stress."

@floof-ghostie @calciumcryptid @s0ursop @opalofoctober @elflynns-horde-of-stuff @pizzolisnacks @peachyblkdemonslayer @supermansbisexualson

[maridai]

A DEFENSE AGAINST TERROR: AN ANALYSIS ON THE AFTERMATH OF MARI'S TRAUMA, AND HOW IT EXHIBITS IN PRESENT AND PAST. CONTENT WARNINGS ARE AS FOLLOWS — MENTIONS OF ABUSE, MENTIONS OF RETRAUMATIZATION, ISOLATION, VIOLENCE, MURDER, DEATH, AND DISCUSSIONS OF TRAUMA.

as a preface to this meta, i want to make it absolutely clear that this by no means is a meta to excuse or justify mari's behaviors, actions, or horrific activities. in the same breath, i also want to emphasize that it isn't something that will go ignored within her character, and should be dealt with in a very cautious, careful, and cognizant way. mari's experiences and trauma have shaped her significantly, and while there are reasons behind what she does, it does not make any of it right. she suffers incredibly from the aftermath of her abuse, and she has deeply rooted trauma that has gone unacknowledged. she is severely mentally ill, and her life has had experiences and plentiful of moments that   (hopefully)   allow us to empathize with her, but i am not here to stand on my soapbox and say that any of her horrors and atrocities are remotely acceptable, normal, justifiable or redeemable. this is a heavy meta, and i urge you to proceed with caution.

throughout her life, mari has continually stepped into these cycles of violence, carnage and bloodshed. she continually walks into these similar, or at the very least, adjacent decisions that align close enough to what she has known previously, but without placing herself into the role of the victim. mari doesn't know how to put the brutality down, and she doesn't feel like she can: so much of how she sees her worth, and her power   (and by extension, her safety)    is tied to her violence. regardless, she doesn't want to put it down to begin with, because that bloodshed is what she knows, and is familiar with. it thrills her, satiates her, and makes her feel as if she is moving forward, instead of living in the past. that sadism was birthed by her being a victim to it repeatedly and horrifically, and it building into a need of evening the score.

mari has felt an overwhelming need to seek revenge and vengeance for her younger self, above all. but, of course, doing so wasn't enough. nothing will ever be enough, yet she cannot accept that. so, in her adulthood and her daily life now, she reclaims violence. she rises to new and horrific levels, and uses all the things the world gave her as a disadvantage    (socialized as a woman, being asian, her scars, her stutter, and even her abuse, by extension of the resilience and refusal to quit behaviors that she now exhibits)   into a weapon that she can make others suffer with, and feel as if that is her power. and to her, it does feel like power. it feels like control. it feels as if she is standing above the world, playing god, and knowing that no one can ever stand above her. no one can ever make her cower, or fear, when in her eyes, she is the end all be all of existence. it can feel as if she will never be that scared, and deeply alone child again, and she won't need anyone to pull her out of any kind of hurt   (physical or emotional)    because she won't let anyone get that far to begin with.

mari continually throws herself into these situations and circumstances of fighting. if it was her choice, she'd kill 100% of her victims with her bare hands. she'd exclusively engage in hand to hand combat. she would reclaim the brutal and wholly inhumane violence she experienced, and reflect it back out onto victims of her choosing in a show   (mainly to herself)   of how she will never have it cycle through again. mari pushed herself repeatedly to surpass and heighten her skills, sharpening it into something where she could throw herself into any kind of fight, and win. in both past and present, she goes out to the ocean and swims out past the waves to be in the calm of it all, and then forces herself against the current just to feel like she can fight against the structure of the earth and win. she constantly displays this need   (both in violence, and otherwise,)   to overcome and surpass into something insurmountable. she relives, and remembers, and feels as if she is constantly in a fight mode, but has nothing left to fight against.

all the years of her abuse were her constantly succumbing and losing and fearing her household, and when she had finally gotten to a point of snapping, and pushing back against it, the righteous retribution she imagined wasn't enough. now, mari compulsively pushes and pushes and pushes at anything in her life, and if she doesn't have that, then she'll find something to push at. she'll find something to fight against, so she can win, and win, and win, and never succumb to anything ever again. so she can affirm her power, fulfill her sadism, and validate her own intellect and meticulousness, because it isn't just the killing, manipulation, or long cons that affirm that. it's the unknowable nature. it's the knowledge that she worked her way in, without anyone even looking her way. it's the understanding that even in the aftermath, there's no trail to follow, and no name to know. she cannot live in the state of her psyche without needing that rush and satiation of her fight reflex, she cannot engage in a fight that she won't win  (and even if she goes against an opponent that challenges her beliefs of winning, she compulsively surges forward to further affirm things to herself,)  and because of how she operates, all of that is only encouraged in her own behaviors.

even when mari does let people in, or loves/cares for others, and even when she trusts them, she continually has that fight instinct. she instinctively will sabotage things; she lashes out at kindness. any sign of something too familiar, or something too foreign, and she's waiting for the other shoe to drop,   (either out of the feeling that those things are inevitable, or out of the feeling of being completely uncomfortable in such uncharted territory)   all whilst not wanting to wait at all. so, she pushes and pushes and pushes, and whether that's being cold, mean, cruel, or even pushing it to the side with flirtations and jokes, she instinctively cannot just sit in that existence. she reacts, and jumps the gun on circumstances that haven't happened yet, and a good majority of the time won't happen. she self-sabotages because it can create a result that's more comfortable, and by extension, safer, to her. walking into those new experiences is deeply yearned for, but equally as feared. letting anyone in is extremely hard for her, and she sees anyone who knows her as her real self to be a potential threat. trusting people is difficult, because it feels like she's handing over the reins and waiting for someone to take advantage of whatever amount of control she gives them.

mari anticipates being hurt, yet if she attaches to someone, she also cannot let it go. she fluctuates between completely consuming herself in dynamics and heightening them to an irreplaceable status,   (especially within the thought and knowledge that mari connecting with and valuing people, in general, is rare)   to sabotaging, distancing herself and pushing people away through whatever feels necessary in the moment. in her mind, if she's going to get hurt, then at least it can be her choice. if she's going to be rejected or abandoned, then at least it can be her decision. and if it isn't, then those circumstances feel dangerous. it becomes too close to losing her control, and losing control is associated directly with becoming a victim again. she wants the benefit and deeper connection of the new experiences, without the risk of the fears involved in it, yet doesn't know to navigate them either way, so she stays in the same cycles. she pretends that because her frame of mind is different, that the damage done is different, too. she deludes herself into believing that she is safer alone, because she was alone for a majority of her life. she did it once, so she can do it again. regardless of how it hurts.

when mari does attach to individuals who are unwilling to engage or further in the participation of her provoking, pushing, or trying to sabotage things, it feels incredibly destabilizing to her. mari's life has been a continual state of repeating cycles, and she is both smart enough to elicit the reactions she wants,   (most of the time)  and also not emotionally insightful enough to understand why she engages in those behaviors to begin with. when she encounters people who are unwilling to bite back, and there's already a connection established, she panics. she has very little understanding of what that means, and it is extremely difficult for her to piece together what it will lead to. she has an extremely hard time connecting the dots   (specifically within the context of herself, which is largely due to her deeply repressed self hatred)   to what the motive is, or what a lack of willingness to engage in her self-sabotaging   (and hurtful)  behavior means.

mari is incredibly meticulous and precise in her manipulation, but her own emotions and experiences regarding herself and her trauma skews the clarity on how she's able to perceive these interactions. she replicates what she knows in a majority of her emotional connections,   (at least in the very beginnings of them, as through development, things can shift and change in the new perspectives she may be able to understand and see, although the instincts to do those behaviors never truly fade)   and when something foreign comes into play, her instinct is to retract. her fight mode isn't working, or eliciting the reaction she's expecting, and therefore, she ends up setting herself into freeze or flight mode. despite mari claiming that she loves herself, mari has no idea how to navigate things that truly are good for her. even when she does find things that are healthier  (loosely speaking, as mari rarely is in or surrounds herself with dynamics that are realistically fully healthy. even if there is just an element of enabling there, because of the atrocities she commits, there's rarely a 100% healthy dynamic she typically holds)   for her in the end, they cannot start as such.

mari has no appeal or want towards those things, and truthfully, she is most enthralled and intrigued by things that push back at her. she, a great majority of the time, doesn't respect people who don't challenge her. for most people to even be able to get into a place in mari's life where they can step back and refuse to retaliate without devaluing themselves in the process, she has to first witness that it isn't out of fear, or weakness, but an active and conscious decision. she has to first understand that those people are fully willing to push against her, challenge her, and go head to head with her in all of her full forced nature without flinching back and retreating. there has to be a massive level of underlying respect for them to begin with, but the ways that she usually goes about these moments of respect being created for her, only hinder her in the end. she witnesses and experiences these wholly toxic and aggressive encounters with people that create value, but also place them into an understanding of the threat they could become even if the dynamic has shifted and developed deeply.

there are plenty of ways that mari replicates her trauma in her actual life, replaying these high-risk moments into something that feels exciting, or enthralling, or consuming to her. a majority of her dynamics or connections she holds   (both throughout ones held with other muses and developed with other writers, and also as far as her behaviors within her interactions with victims and npcs in drabbles)   are all these echoes of her repeating these cycles of violence and control; even if they are within the context of her now sitting in the metaphorical driver's seat. however, even outside of interpersonal relationships, mari is consumed by memories. she deals with the factor of her hyperthymesia   (although she isn't aware she has this)   and how vividly and clearly she can remember things, as well as how even remembering a memory becomes a new, equally sized memory within itself. it all layers and layers on top of each other, becoming these out of control consumptions that she wants to repress and forget, and yet, can't.

so, she runs her life on overdrive. mari has very little capacity to simply sit and exist, or relax. she never can fully stop looking over her shoulder, or bracing for impact. she cannot lie in bed, and have a lazy day, without feeling consumed by memory. and in the same light, if she isn't equally as consumed with whatever she's doing, she gets bored. she moves onto the next thing in a startlingly quick pace. she throws herself into one high-adrenaline activity to another, and chases down one fight to the next: whether it's a mental one, or a physical one. she fixates on things, and she drowns herself in them. mari sleeps minimally, with her throwing herself directly into the day as soon as she wakes up. she runs towards anything and everything that consumes her, or fixates her. she has to feel as if she's alive, in one way or another. she feeds herself on these excessive power trip moments, because if she doesn't, she will sink into the self-hatred, grief, and anger of it all. mari refuses to confront the self hatred that she still deals with, and represses it continually. she does things selfishly, lives her life individually, and claims that that's enough.

yet, regardless of how many trips to the aquarium she provides herself in lieu of all that she was deprived of as a child, or selfish and primarily cruel decisions she makes to reclaim her life and violence as a whole, it does not change the deeply rooted self hatred that exists within her. to be clear, mari does not feel guilt or shame for the horrific and violent things she does, and she does not regret them in any capacity. however, mari struggles deeply with connecting to people  (and particularly any people that are wholly and completely good intentioned in the beginnings of their developments)   and has felt from a very young age that something was wrong with her because of her life, her struggles to connect, the isolation, and inability to hold friendships or relationships the way that other people do. she cannot comprehend a good majority of her life, and why it happened the way it happened, and above all else, she cannot comprehend why she was alone throughout a majority of it. all of this simply developed into a self hatred that only represses deeper and deeper as she grows older.

this feeling of something being wrong with her, as well as the lack of comprehension in the aftermath of her trauma, all end up being twisted into a heightened narrative. she deludes herself into believing her childhood was a sacrifice to have the power she does now, and she deludes herself further into believing that because she feels so outcast and isolated, that she is the only right person in the world, instead of anything ever being wrong with her. she places herself onto a pedestal, and over time it only grows and grows into a deeply deluded mindset that translates, to her, as   "only a god could be both so incredibly powerful, and so deeply resented."  mari drowns her life, and her mind, in delusions, activities, hobbies, bloodshed, manipulation, and runs herself continually into high-risk high-reward   (or at least, they're high reward in her eyes)   behaviors that she does not know how to, or want to put down. she killed her abusers, she opened the cage, and yet never walked out. she opened the breadth of her life, and yet stared back into the abyss she came from, and sunk further into it. because if she was going to be in some kind of dark, at least it could be the kind of dark she knows.

[hangmvnstrick]

Rules of the Game:

1. My portrayal of Amanda Young/The Pig will be portrayed based off my own headcanons/ideas and some elements from the movies. Do not interact with this blog is that's not your cup of tea .

2. Do NOT interact if you're a minor or a personal blog, please. The posts on this blog are meant for roleplay purposes and roleplay only. My personal blog is open for any one of age to interact with. If you kindly ask, I do not mind sharing my personal blog. Please respect my wishes, thank you very much. I do not feel comfortable interacting with anyone who isn't of age because I am older than 25. Please do not lie about your age. Lying about your age will result in a hard block. This blog will be interacting with mutuals only. Meaning I follow your blog, you follow mine. Please don't take it personally as there are some fandoms I'm not familiar enough with to interact your blog if I don't follow you back. Original characters are welcome and encouraged as long as have a bio up to work something out. But for now, the interactions will be limited to the horror verse only. If you have any questions about this, shoot me a message. I'm also selective with who I follow back. If I follow you back, it's because I'm interested to interact with you. I don't follow blogs just to follow.

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4. Shipping. Shipping is not a main priority for Amanda. However that doesn’t mean that I’d be opposed to it but it would need a lot of development and discussion for it to happen. Due to the fact that Amanda doesn’t trust or open up to anyone other than John so easily. Which speaking of, I don’t ship John and Amanda. She even says it herself that she sees him like a father figure and a mentor. So no. I will not be shipping with any John Kramer writers. Other than that, if you’re interested in discussing shipping, don’t hesitate to shoot me a message. I’m pretty much open minded about dynamics between our muses.

* this blog will be single ship unless stated otherwise.

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* discord is also available upon request for mutuals only.

[ladycatofwinterfell]

I suppose it's once again time to put myself through writing my thoughts on the episode. So here is me doing that.

Thoughts on episode 7!

Pain and suffering. That's it. That's the post. Is what I would have said if I was able to shut up about anything ever. But unfortunately I’m not.

Well, first of all I would like to say that everyone in this episode should be given an Emmy. They were all so insanely good. Delainey, Jacob, Sam, Assad, Ben, Roxane, Eric. They all brought their absolute best and this episode would not have been this good without them. I’d like to Emmy nominate Sam Reid’s hair, as well. It’s basically its own character at this point.

And now when that had been put out there let's move on to the actual episode. I barely know where to begin and I already feel that this will be incomprehensible because dear lord in heaven jesus fucking christ am i feeling feelings.

The torture before the trial was so hard to watch. Throwing Claudia in the rat box she had been made to manage for them. Chekhov's gun, I suppose. I should have seen it coming.

Having the trial as a play and performing it on a stage in front of a live audience is fucking genius. It heightens the sheer horror of it so much, highlights how performance and ways of presenting something can lure the audience. Weren't we the ones sitting by that stage, watching them? Is that not what we've been doing all season? Have we been tricked by performances and angles and particular story telling? Brilliant, I love it.

They cut the ankle tendons. They made it impossible to run. They beat the fuck out of them beforehand. Each time they spoke they used their collective power to disrupt their minds and create a pressure so great Claudia got a nosebleed and blood vessels in Louis' left eye popped. They produced a nice little film and a nice little story full of racist caricatures and stereotypes so that Lestat could be victimised. Everyone knows what’s going to happen because everyone has read the script, they all have lines and cues but Louis, Claudia and Madeleine do not. They are not characters, they’re props. Fuck these vampires. I like that the show doesn't shy away from how ugly this is, they show us their bleeding ankles several times, make us be in the heads of Louis and Claudia as they experience the psychic assault from the coven, we are forced to watch as the audience verbally stones them. It tries to make us uncomfortable and it is really uncomfortable. This is, above all, an uncomfortable watch.

They are broken on stage. They are broken and Louis knows that he is coming. There is no escaping him. He will always come hunting them down. A presence, a familiar scent. Lestat de Lioncourt. He’s been looming in the background all season and now he’s back and in typical Lestat fashion he cannot enter a room quietly.

I know I wrote this in a post already but I enjoyed Lestat reading the homophobe to filth, I thought it was fun. I also thought it was very very telling for Lestat that he reacted that way only when it was an insult partly leveled at him and not solely at Louis and/or Claudia. He goes off script there, breaks character to take revenge. Always the petty slights with you, Uncle Les. Because he is a petty fucking bitch. Upon a rewatch I also noticed that the homophobe reacted similarly, although quietly, when Lestat was talking of Nicolas so that was a nice touch.

He also breaks character when it comes to Louis. He affirms his love for Louis and he admits to having done horrible things to him. He admits to having tried to break Louis because he couldn't own him. He admits to dropping him and not doing anything to catch him because he wanted to hurt him. And he regrets it, he feels guilty over it, he's pained by it. He doesn't apologise for it, emphasises that he doesn't deserve forgiveness for it, and that there is nothing worse than what he did. And this is Lestat. He's not the victim, like whoever orchestrating the whole thing (*cough* Armand *cough*) tries to make him out to be for the sake of the trial. No matter how absolutely deranged Louis got during their fight, no matter how much he fought back, it was not a situation of mutual abuse. Lestat was always the one in power. Though he's also not evil. He knows what he's done, he knows he was wrong to do it, and he knows he cannot make up for it. And this is not only a matter of in universe role reversal, this is also something the fandom it guilty of. I've seen so many posts about how Louis' story doesn't hold up at all and just wait until Lestat finally gets to tell his version, then we'll get the truth. And he tells his story and he admits to the abuse. The parts where he goes away from the script written for him are from what we know at the moment the closest we get to the real him. And the real him is sometimes just awful. But the real him is, as I said, also not evil. The real him loves very hard and is pained by his own failures. I've read almost 7 (insane. why do i do that) of the vampire chronicles books now and I'm very satisfied with this portrayal of Lestat, I think it's book accurate even as others seem to disagree. I’m also very much looking forward to what they will do with him if we get a season 3.

I like Lestat, I think it's a joy every time he's on screen and I was excited to have him back for this episode. He’s my favourite character in the books. That and I would strangle him if I ever got the chance. I contain multitudes.

Now, do I think Lestat was on that stage because he really wanted to be on that stage? No. I think he's on that stage because he was made to go on it. I think he's reciting his lines because he was persuaded into doing so. Maybe by... I don't know, Armand? Perhaps. Because let's be fucking real here, the by far oldest and most powerful vampire in that theatre was not held back by fear of the vampire Sam. They put him in the theatre equivalent of those little pens you put babies in and that stopped him? Oh no he was put in time out so he can’t do anything :( He made an entire restaurant stop and sent all members of the coven to sleep at once, he did not need all his power to make the audience say banishment instead of death for Louis. He could have prevented it. He could have saved Claudia. But why would he since he's the architect of her destruction? I'm willing to bet on that he wrote the play. And I'm willing to bet Lestat's not chilling out in a dungeon because he really wants to, it doesn't feel that much like him. And Armand in Dubai talking about Lestat taking familiar parts of Louis' life and twisting them to serve himself. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE ELSE I KNOW. He’s insane. Clinically insane. Balls to the walls batshit bonkers. And I love him and his kicked puppy eyes. He’s very very dear to me and I hope he never stops being insane. Just like with Lestat he’s not evil, he just needs Louis with him because he now doesn’t know how to go forward without Louis’ love and Claudia was threatening that. With all that said Lestat is absolutely not without blame for this situation. Not in the least. There are several people to blame for this and he’s one of them.

Speaking of Dubai. Lovely that Daniel is still at it. Love that. But also. Hallucination of Lestat in Dubai? Hallucination of Lestat never left? Hallucination of Lestat is something Louis can never be rid of as long as he's not actually in the presence of Lestat? Thanks. I'm going to kill myself. I know that I myself have taken Dubai as an absolute truth, that what happens there is something we know to be true while the rest can always be doubted. And now we can't be sure anymore and I'm once again taken by the genius of this show. Also taken by how Lestat and Louis really are soulmates in the worst possible way. They were made in hell for one another, their existences revolved around one another from the moment they met. Can they ever escape that? Probably not. Even as they're destroying themselves and everyone around them. They will always love each other even as they hate each other and they can't exist without the other. Which is cool. Fine, even. Doesn't at all make me want to drink poison. Loustat forever (threat).

Louis beginning to remember more and more that was unknown to him or had in some way been altered is very touching. He wants to tell the truth, he’s not actively trying to deceive anyone, but he doesn’t always know the truth himself. And sometimes he does downplay his own role in things more or less consciously because he can’t cope with his own actions but even then he returns to wanting the truth. These vampires are very human. The overall narrative is still not the entire truth but we’re moving towards it. Louis cannot be controlled forever, he cannot have his own life kept from him forever.

I’ve already touched a little on the fight, maybe I should also talk about the other revisited scene. How fucking insane was it to see Louis beg for Claudia, bargain for Claudia, promise to never leave Lestat if only he could have Claudia. Bartering with your presence, is that what makes you fascinating, Louis? Dragging her along the floor like a little child with its doll, it was somewhat creepy. Though just as with the fight it shows that sometimes Louis is absolutely deranged. Just as crazy as the rest of them. Love that for him. Too bad it goes out over Claudia. Him calling her their beautiful daughter as if she’s not a stranger and Lestat having to be like you don’t know this girl. Hate to give it to him, but Lestat was not wrong here. The way Claudia is so right when she says it was never about her. She’s a bandaid for a shitty marriage, she’s Louis’ chance at redemption, she’s Lestat’s mirror. And for a while they were actually happy and maybe that’s the tragedy. That it was doomed from the start, but it didn’t show immediately. That she was doomed from the start and she didn’t know it.

Claudia’s death was horrifying and I still haven’t recovered from it. I don’t know if I ever will. Singing to the audience the song they loved to hear her perform even as she hated it as they merely watch while she dies a horrible death. Looking at Lestat in her last moment. A scared child who is in extraordinary amounts of pain and knows she will die, looking to her father in a cry for help. Because even as she hates him he’s the one of those still on the stage that she most trusts. All through the episode she’s been defiant. Guess it was weird to start from her death and then move backwards, but it really stuck with me. She tries to talk back and they immediately punish her for it, she even gets up on her feet and shows her anger when Lestat speaks about what he did to Louis. And she points out the hypocrisy in that Lestat can cry and say he’s sorry but she and Louis are not allowed to do the same. They’re punished for Lestat’s murder even as he’s not dead. She also points out that it’s never been about her, that it’s just another round in the stormy romance of Louis and Lestat. Not even her creation was about her. They both loved her deeply, I’m very convinced of that, but she was always the third.

I had to save Claudia and Madeleine for last because despite tough competition they were the most hurtful part of this episode for me. Claudia lived so many years without ever being anyone's first. Louis says he put her first but did he really? Was he putting her first when he let Lestat back into the house in ep6? Was he putting her first when he refused to burn Lestat in ep7? Was he putting her first when she was created? No. But she found someone who didn't hesitate to put her first. She revealed her monstrous side to Madeleine, gave her her diaries to read so that she could understand the innermost parts of her. And Madeleine didn't shy away. Madeleine was convinced in her devotion to Claudia, even when it meant her own destruction. She was given the choice between life and Claudia and she chose Claudia. When death came for Claudia it was not Louis or Lestat or the coven that stood with her, it was Madeleine. Her one true ally. They barely got any time at all together but that was the happiest time of Claudia’s life. Anyway fuck all those vampires, I’m going to hunt them for sport. Louis, Lestat, Armand, Santiago, count your fucking days. But also Claudia could have lived a longer life if she had never been made a vampire. She wasn’t even 50 when she died, that’s well within a human life span. And she spent that life being 14, never past 14. Aging in spirit, but always treated as a little girl. She died early, too soon, despite being immortal. I’m glad we didn’t hear Claudia and Madeleine’s last words to each other, it doesn’t feel like we should know. That was for them, not meant to be shared.

As I’ve read iwtv I’m aware of the overall plot beats of the last episode and I can’t wait to see how the show executes them. What I’m most curious about is how the modern plot will be resolved for now. What will become of Louis, Armand and Daniel? Will we get Lestat in the modern timeline? Will things be completely resolved there or will we be teased with setups for another season? I’m pretty sure I will be considering wandering out into the wilderness and never return no matter what.