#i am not afraid i just don't want to spent time on negativity which i can get from it

[nwarrior777]

yo can I draw your oc's?

omg sure!!!!! 😳 idk how did you found them in this blog, it became kinda messy and i didn't draw any in a while, but i will be very happy to see fanart???

qwq

[bisnes-socks]

talking about ready to go on this fine sunday evening

the very beginning of the song, before the guitars come in, and it's just like a synth sound, some backing vocals and bass, reminds me of kinda like old school hiphop. an opening like that could easily lead into a real rap beat, it's giving like early 90's and early 2000's hiphop. i was kind of expecting it to go the rap route when i first heard the song! but nope, in comes a siiiiick metal inspired guitar riff (jukka i owe you my life???) that's some chugging, i am also ready to go with a riff like this. hell of an opening.

his vocals come in one style, transition into another, then a new style for the chorus, and yet another for the second verse. FOUR vocal styles for one song. that's not so typical for pop music these days. i love how fearless he is with vocals in general, he's not afraid of sounding weird or funny. and even with the funny voices, he himself never becomes a joke, because he commits and puts his whole back into it. that is genuenly a skill, to be able to be so playful and still be for real.

and his singing in the chorus is good, very pleasing. i especially love his voice with the word"haluut" like he hits some soft vibrato in the second chorus right there, that is some good shit.

and guys. the way the chorus is built. it's incredible.

the long pauses in between words is so good and so... cunty lmao. it's like he is leaving room for the listener to jump to conclusions, only to call you and your mother and the whole country and culture out for being negative nellies who wish artists would fail (context for that can be read here)

so the first time hearing the chorus is like:

sä (who me?) haluut (oh? i do?) nähä (see what 🫣) ku mä (when you what 😳) flomaan taas ojaan kuraiseen (ooooh snap he said that part out loud)

and like i said it's so cunty, it's so deliciously arrogant to open the whole entire album this way, because there is so much space in the chorus to expect all sorts of things. because it could go anywhere. like...

1. sä -> oh he's talking to me now

2. haluut -> he is calling out something i want and desire. that's very disarming as a listener, makes you feel on edge because whatever he is going to claim that you want, you either have to come to terms with him being absolutely bang on the money correct, which means he sees right through you and you feel exposed, or he is going to say something you don't want, which will be a whole different journey, could be funny, could be offputting, could be anything!

3. nähä -> oop, what is it that he thinks i want to see, is this going a voyeristic route? is he going to expose everyone for being horny for him? whatever it is he is calling everyone voyers, basically.

4. ku mä -> it's so very deliciously arrogant to just straight up make a chorus that starts by him straight up telling you, that you, yes YOU, want to see me [do anything]. he's like. you're obsessed with me, aren't you. and he is RIGHT. makes the listener a bit red in the face, don't you think?

5. flomaan taas ojaan kuraiseen / mokaan ja maitojunaan meen -> aaand (finnish) people know exactly where this is going now. he is calling out the culture, he is calling out the haters, he is calling out the negativity and the vahingonilo (schadenfreude?) in this country. and we know exactly who he is talking to, we all know these people.

KING SHIT.

THE CUNT ON HIM to make this the opening track because we know it's aimed at, you know, like Pekka from Janakkala or whatever, who spent all of 2023 huffing and puffing because he thinks this Käärijä business is ridiculous and a waste of time and so he told everyone who was excited about CCC and ESC that ultimately Käärijä would fail and embarrass himself and the whole country. So Jere knows Pekka from Janakkala is still mad that "mikä lie Käärepaperi se nyt oli" actually succeeded and continues to succeed, so he calls that shit out in the first fucken song. It's like he's saying hi to all the haters who put the record on with every intention of trashing it and complaining about it. and it is them to whom he is being like "why are you so obsessed with me honey, why are you here to peep at me, hmm?"

the gaps in the chorus are like the audio equivalent of awkward eye contact you can't escape. he's saying i fucken see you.

and then the one time he modifies the chorus, he says "mä haluun ajaa tosi kovaa, vaik pelti kolisee, hei baby i'm ready to go" and that's him informing everyone that he's going to continue to do whatever he wants to do, he doesn't care if he gets a bit banged up or bruised on the way, because he is ready. and then it goes back to like "you want to see me fail, but i'm ready to go". the confidence in all that is genuenly admirable and something that this culture needs.

and i think the rest of the lyrics, in the verses, are about that too. he's going full speed ahead because he does not care if he stumbles. he's doing what he wants, what he always wanted, it's his passion, and he no longer has anything to lose. he's not afraid of failure. he knows there are people who want to see him fail, because it would confirm their own sad world view, but he does not give a flying fuck and he's not going to let that kind of mindset affect him. so he is fucking ready to go.

and musically, this song combines all of the käärijä elements really well! like i said, the opening sounds first like old school rap, then like metal, then going into more of a dance beat, the use of different vocal styles, a strong message, proper attitude sprinkled with a lot of humour and some twinkle in the eye. and the way he switches between pronouncing ready to go the finnish way and a more "proper english" way, is also a fun little international Käärijä detail.

a banger of a song with the cuntiest attitude we've seen in a while. incredible.

[laf-outloud]

Hi,

Here is the European Anon (or Troll as I am called at the moment). I would like to clarify a few things. I am a fan. Of the show, of the characters, of the two J's. That's the reason why the info about the contract could hurt me so much in the first place. Because this time it affected me myself. I've worked with stars who showed up to work (con) drunk. Who spent more time on Grindr than signing autographs. Who treated their Händlers like crap, while up front they were the loving, attentive star. You learn two things quickly in the businees. The manager is always right, and the star is never the bad guy. We had two guests from an equally famous CW show. The managers had agreed to a duo shoot. The problem was that they hated each other. In the sense of, we had to separate the two spatially, because otherwise it would have come to fisticuffs. The managers of both parties tried everything to make the duo shoot possible somehow and while one star finally agreed to get it over with "professionally", the other remained stubborn. The end? The duo was canceled with the reason "unforeseen scheduling difficulties" Well, sounds familiar? (No it's not Vampire Diaries, Paul and Ian are really like brothers, lol).

What you also learn very quickly. The fans forgive everything and the star is perfect in their eyes. No matter whether stars were bad-tempered, bitchy or sometimes even downright unfriendly, the fans always found an excuse for them, or in the end made us organizers responsible for it. Well, we can live with that, as long as people still pay for their tickets. At the end of the day it is a business.

Why am I writing this? So far it has never really affected me. For me, most of them are just people like you and me and I could deal with most of the stars in a really friendly or business way. But I've been a fan of Supernatural since the beginning. And then such an info is no longer professional but hurts.

I want to make it very clear that no SPN star I have ever dealt with has been unprofessional or unfriendly. Even though Misha's manager is a terrible woman, he himself was always polite to us as employees. And even from colleagues who have worked with J2 so far, there has never been a negative word.

That is why I was so looking forward to working with them. To be able to experience this famous friendship directly.

I am not so high in the hirachie that I get to read a direct correspondence of the management. I also can't say which Con I work for without risking my job. I know it's easier to make me out to be a liar than to accept that I might be right. I realize that and I can even understand that.

I've been sitting on this information for weeks, but who am I going to tell? Who believes me? I've talked to two close friends about it who are also fans and they didn't believe it either.

The trigger was the first reports from Charlotte. I have friends who are on site and yes, probably their euphoria and two glasses of wine on my part made me write to two people. Patrick (TFW) and LOL Jackles . Who I have found through Tumblr several times to be relatively fair and interested in facts. But there was no response. I was honestly taken aback by this, because even if they won‘t believe me, why not share the info anyway? Or at least respond to it? If there is nothing to what I say, then it could be quickly invalidated or? Unless the two know exactly that I'm right and are afraid of when it comes out.

I have written to you days later. you can look it up. I read post that you and others wondered why jared and jensen only come to different cons. That's why I thought, okay I'll send it again. I found your explanation of not posting it understandable and at least you didn't immediately ignore it. Thanks for that. that's also why I'm replying exclusively to you.

Again, I understand if you don't believe me. After all, I didn't want to believe my boss either. I thought he was just not willing to pay the 300 K (And that's what they cost each).

But now exactly what he said happens.

If I am telling the untruth, then why is Jared actually appearing at the same promoters (Monopoy Events, Entertainment Events Etc) on a different date than Jensen and always including Gen? And look at the line up of the English cons and tell me that you could not have paid Jared‘s fee to run various duo shots! If I'm lying, why is Creation now releasing the second convention for 2024 with only Jensen as headliner but not with Jared? It can't be the money, because Creation takes the same amount for the tickets as usual. And schedule difficulties during an official strike ? Hardly. You can call me a troll, but I am a fan as well, I know that you want to believe until the end that everything is good. But I just think the fans have at least a right to hear the truth. And that is that Jared's management will get away from creation cons in the future and will favor cons that Jensen doesn't attend.

Thank you for writing in, again. I'm sorry that because of the multiple asks, you've been classified as a troll. I've been on Tumblr long enough that I've seen multiple copy/paste asks and they most often are a troll, but I can see your reasoning. (I will say that TFW2.0 is a fan of Jensen first, so anything that could put him in a negative light will be summarily dismissed.)

I decided to post this response since your original ask seems to have been seen by multiple other people despite not being posted and I'll allow people to make up their own minds about what they want to believe.

I will say that Jared's absence from the con in July could be due to other reasons, like his standard summer vacation or birthday stuff, and June could be because he anticipates that they might be filming Walker into the summer, depending on how long the strike lasts.

When it comes to doing cons with or without Jensen, I know my initial response was regarding Jared's mental health, but it could also be a strategic business decision. Jared may want to distance himself from SPN (and Jensen) to open up other acting/producing opportunities. It's not always advantageous to just be known as "one of those guys from SPN." He's said before that he enjoys producing and I'm sure he knows Walker isn't going to last forever. An actor/producer's career shouldn't be defined by one role. He may also be promoting Gen to help increase her profile if they plan on producing together in the future. I'm sure there are some who, if they believe it's true, will take it personally, but it really may just be a business decision.

Either way, thank you for sharing. And if there are people who agree/disagree and decide to write to me with their rebuttals, please remember to do so respectfully. I won't post anything with accusatory language, insults, or outright dismissals.

[nicoxwillfanclub]

I just found Nico song...

for example

Hope Yeah, I'm on my way, I'm coming Don't, don't lose faith in me I know you've been waitin' I know you've been prayin' for my soul Hope, hope

This could be when he's travelling with the statute or it could be when he convinces Hades to help the gods during the Titans war.

Thirty years you been draggin' your feet Tellin' me I'm the reason we're stagnant Thirty years you've been claiming you're honest And promising progress, well, where's it at? I don't want you to feel like a failure (failure) I know this hurts But I gave you your chance to deliver (deliver) Now it's my turn Don't get me wrong, Nate(Nico), you've had a great run But it's time to give the people somethin' different

And this could be one of the gods or other demi gods talking to him and telling him he's not good enough. But yet he's still going strong against everyone's doubts.

What's my definition of success? (Of success) Listening to what your heart says (your heart says) Standing up for what you know is (is) Right, while everybody else is (is) Tucking their tail between their legs (okay) What's my definition of success? (Of success) Creating something no one else can (else can) Being brave enough to dream big (big) Grindin' when you're told to just quit (quit) Giving more when you got nothin' left (left)

This could be Bianca talking to him and telling him how to continue to keep on living or maybe Jason. Because despite everyone else not believing him, they did.

It's a person who'll take a chance on Something they were told could never happen It's a person that can see the bright side through the dark times when there ain't one It's when someone who ain't never had nothin' Ain't afraid to walk away from more profit 'Cause they'd rather do somethin' that they really love and take the pay cut It's a person who would never waver Or change who they are Just to try and gain some credibility So they could feel accepted by a stranger It's a person that can take the failures in their life and turn them into motivation It's believing in yourself when no one else does, it's amazing

This would still be one of them telling him that he should believing himself and go on.

What a little bit of faith can do if you don't even believe in you Why would you think or expect anybody else that's around you to? I done did things that I regret I done said things I can't take back Was a lost soul at a crossroad who had no hope but I changed that I spent years of my life holdin' on to things I never should've kept, full of hatred Years of my life carryin' a lot of baggage that I should've walked away from Years of my life wishin' I was someone different, lookin' for some validation Years of my life tryna fill the void, pretending I was in They get it

And this is how his sister dies so he's lost and he blames Percy and he's being tortured by Minos. He hates himself and everyone else because of his life and who he loves.

Growing pain's a necessary evil Difficult to go through, yes, but beneficial Some would say having a mental breakdown is a negative thing Which on one hand, I agree with On the other hand, it was the push I needed To get help and start the healing process, see If I'd have never hit rock bottom Would I be the person that I am today? I don't believe so I'm a prime example of what happens when you choose to not accept defeat and face your demons Took me thirty years to realize that if you want to get the opportunity To be the greatest version of yourself

How he was lost and hurt and Will picked him up and gave him love fully shapes himself. How he was done with being bossed around by Minos and took control of all ghosts.

Thirty years of running, thirty years of searching Thirty years of hurting, thirty years of pain Thirty years of fearful, thirty years of anger Thirty years of empty, thirty years of shame Thirty years of broken, thirty years of anguish Thirty years of hopeless, thirty years of (hey) Thirty years of never, thirty years of maybe Thirty years of later, thirty years of fake Thirty years of hollow, thirty years of sorrow Thirty years of darkness, thirty years of (Nate)(Nico) Thirty years of baggage, thirty years of sadness Thirty years of stagnant, thirty years of chains Thirty years of anxious, thirty years of suffering Thirty years of torment, thirty years of (wait) Thirty years of bitter, thirty years of lonely Thirty years of pushing everyone away

And this one doesn't even need to be explained literally read it and it's like oh yeah it's Nico's whole life.

(You'll never evolve) I know I can change (We are not enough) we are not the same (You don't have the heart) you don't have the strength (You don't have the will) you don't have the faith (You'll never be loved, you'll never be safe Might as well give up) not running away (You don't have the guts) you're the one afraid I'm the one in charge I'm taking the (no) I'm taking the Reigns

And this is how everyone is tellling him your not enough we are in charge of you and you will never ever be enough ever. Until he finally breaks free and made a change

Tell me if you think I should fix anything or if you even agree with me. But I really recommend to listen to it because this is Nico's life

[wearethecyclones]

hi I'm pretty sure I read once that you don't write anymore (idk if you don't write for teen wolf or you just don't write in general) but I wanted to let you know that back in 2014 I found Play Crack the Sky and it completely changed my life. I know it sounds like an exaggeration, but I never thought I could read something so beautiful and well written for free online. You set the standard for what I consider a good story.

I know there's a big chance you don't care for the story or you think it's not up to your own standards now, but I wanted to let you know that it's been 10 years since I first started reading it and I have read it dozens of times since then and it always takes me back to a simpler time, when a band AU about two dudes getting back together was enough to pick me up from a shitty day at uni or at work.

I wish I had enough words to thank you for all the work and love you put into that piece, but I'm afraid you took all the good ones, so all I can say is this: thank you for writing my favorite fic ever.

PS. When I first read that fic, I gave a second chance to Brand New's album Deja Entendu (which I used to think was sort of 'eh, alright' at that moment) and it has, since then, become one of my favorite albums ever. Idk if it's related to the fic per se, I just wanted to thank you for making me reconsider my previous opinion of it.

PS 2. Yes, I was reading Play Crack the Sky again and got emotional about fanworks in general and how they connect people around the world? and usually the only rewards the writers get are kudos and comments? like, is there a higher form of praise than "I was inspired by your work so I put the characters in Situations then shared it with the world without earning a cent from it"? idk, I'm feeling a lot of things about PCtS today. I think I've gushed about your fic out loud to so many people throughout the years and today is just another example of that. I thought the author should know there's someone out there who still thinks of their little universe and still wishes they could listen to Smokes for Harries live.

have a great day!

(cont.) same PCtS anon from the long message: omg you're writing a 911 buddie fic? well, don't mind me if I do PS. even if you never pick it up again, I'm just happy to read something else from you. PS 2: I feel a little silly telling you this but I also wanted you to know you inspired me to write fic as well. I'm not great at it and I have taken years off at a time, but I always think that good writers had to start somewhere and maybe I'm never gonna be a best-selling author, but if a bunch of people on the internet like some of my stories, then I think that's enough.

WHERE to even begin!!! Thank you so much for this, it made me cry (positive) when I first read it and now I'm still an overwhelmed little puddle about it.

A numbered list response so I don't have to do connective tissue here hahaha:

I am SO touched to hear that I inspired you to write, I'm so honored! And you're so right, the connection we get through fanworks is so special and as a writer, you're a part of that! No matter how infrequent or what you feel about how great you are at it, you're in it! It's so cool! Everyone playing in the same sandboxes together with the sole purpose of expressing themselves and being entertained, what a beautiful thing.

Deja Entenduuuuu. I recently re-listened and it really is such a beautiful album. I'm glad you gave it another go!

I genuinely still have a lot of affection for Play Crack, I'm never gonna feel any sorta negative feelings toward it. If I wrote it now, the truth is i WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO so it lives in a very special sweet spot where my ability to put words together and my ability to actually sustain a story through the finish meet. I think maybe now I could put the words together better, but I don't think I'd be able to finish it. Also, the time I spent writing it was really really special to me, I got to escape into that world when my own world was very unexciting, but then I also got to play in the Teen Wolf sandbox and make friends I STILL talk to all the time and I'm really grateful for all of that.

RE: Still writing + Buddie Fic: writing is so hard??? I didn't think writing was hard before, but now I think it is so hard. I wish I could recapture whatever it was during the Play Crack era of my life that let me just spill it all out and form it into a story and commit and finish it. Was it confidence? Was it having more time? Was it not having a real big kid job/career? Was it being young and caring a lot more??? I do not know. I wish I'd bottled it then. I do want to finish the Buddie fic, I want to write other stuff, I'm just like so writers blocked and stoppered up and have been for a longgg time.

Anyway, idk, long winded answer that ultimately boils down to: thank you, you really made me feel some feelings that I kinda needed to feel, and I really appreciate you. Thank you for loving my long ass silly little band au <3

[monorayjak]

I... it's getting hard to live like this. Hiding who I am to so many people. It hurts. I wrote a thing earlier today and I felt I summed up the feeling pretty well I think, reworded a bit to sound better:

"It feels like torturous self harm to be fully aware of who I am and yet imprison myself in a fortress of a false identity that's slowly caving in around me."

What I'm getting at here... I think... I think it might be time for me to come out to some people...and I really need some advice.

As of now, only four people IRL know about me, that's my therapist, my cousin (who was genuinely more like a sister to me), a friend at college (I knew they were extremely supportive and they had no connection to other people I know, so it seemed like a safe bet to tell her (I was right)), a friend I interacted with occasionally in high school who has since come out as trans herself (actually what got me to message her, saw her online and wanted to ask so I didn't misgender her or anything, and we got talking and I quickly realized she'd understand.)

At the moment, I'm still living with my mom, which is fine, I know she'll support me in her own way (she's queer herself, she has internalized issues, but she tries). I know my university I go to, despite having once been a "christian college," have opened up and been supportive of most of the students who do come out in one way or another. I know at least a few of the professors there who are absolutely trying to be supportive to everyone to the best of their abilities. My therapist knows, as mentioned before, but he is also... well, he ain't exactly a pro with gender and sexuality stuff (still a good guy, he just messes up what he's talking about here and there, like using masculine pronouns when he talks about a transwoman (largely I think its because he usually talks about them when they first started transitioning, and I don't think he thinks about gendering them correctly in reference to them coming out... if that makes any sense).

The issues... well, for one, I live in the bible belt. My extended family (who we are finally trying to cut ourselves off from now that the only think holding us together (my grandmother) is gone) lives all around me and the majority of them are.........well lets just say they really don't like my mom being gay, and one of them bullied a kid he was fostering because, in his words, "the kid's a fucking sissy!" Yeah... not a fan of that uncle. (In related news I am genuinely afraid of that man because he is very fucking clearly not mentally stable and has talked about killing himself and others before (while preaching at church!) and he is... really aggressive and has access to guns) I'm too poor to even consider leaving the state, and with... well frankly I'm a bit of a fuckup who really can't live on their own... yeah... fun times. Insurance may cover parts of things, but... honestly I don't even fucking know. Like I said, I know my mom will try to support me, but she is also... well, how do I say this? She tends to not know how to react to stuff. A large reason I don't talk about stuff with her is that she has a habit of turning it around into something about herself (not in a manipulative way, mind you. I just think she doesn't realize why it feels bad to tell her something like this and then have her break down a bit because I didn't tell her sooner or because she didn't work it out herself or anything like that). Basically, if I tell her, its either going to go one of two ways.

She reacts negatively and turns it around about herself and takes the moment to be hurt she didn't work things out or that I didn't tell her. (Literally once opened up to her when I was little (like 11?) about how much I hated myself... she said the next day she spent the entire night crying because she thought she failed... I understand what she was going for, but, honestly not something you should tell your kid who just opened up. Practically had it ingrained internally "If I feel bad, hide it. Because my mom will be devastated by it.")

She goes too supportive and expects me to be willing to open up immediately. Basically just forgetting she can't push me into being out and honest because it takes time to work up the courage.

Both of these options are... iffy. To say the least.

[divorcedwife]

hi! i love your art SO MUCH and i check your blog like the morning newspaper to see if you’ve uploaded anything new (you always have and I LOVE IT!!! thank u for keeping us fed) anyway i was just wondering if you had any advice for actively creating so much? i used to draw all of the time but i find it so hard lately to make even one tiny thing, especially something that i like…..but when i look at your work and how much you create i am always so inspired! i hope this makes sense eeeek anyway have an amazing day and thank you for sharing your incredible work with us!!!!

thank youuuu thank you so much!!! ;___;

i totally get that, and it used to be my number one problem, creating at all. i remember being in art school surrounded by people who were always drawing, and me, i just couldn't, and i couldn't explain what made drawing so difficult for me

and i think what blocked me is that i was paralyzed by indecision - too afraid to waste my time making "bad art" to do anything, or the wrong type of art, art that' won't look good in my portfolio, art that's too silly and specific to me. so in the end i made nothing

what's really been helping me lately is that i have dramatically lowered my standards for myself. i sketch every idea i have, even if it's just putting down three lines, even if it's self-indulgent and silly. anything that excites me and makes me want to draw, i follow that excitement as far as it will take me. maybe that's a fully completely illustration, maybe just a sketch, or maybe somewhere in between

if the goal is to have fun and not making a masterpiece, i feel less pressure and i end up drawing more. and drawing more leads to drawing better! if you make 10 sketches and really pressure yourself to make them great, that's torture. if you draw 1000 sketches, some of them will turn out amazing

when i have ideas i sketch, and when im low on ideas, i have all these already made sketches to revisit, and as i draw i find new ideas! this avoids me having to face a blank canvas and desperately scratch around my brain for ideas. creativity does not like being scrutinized like a bug, it vanishes under pressure in my experience

i find that creativity can be a negative or a virtuous circle. not drawing leads to less ideas and more pressure to deliver something good which will keep someone not drawing. but if you find something that gets you excited enough to draw again and keep going, then you will get more ideas along the way. follow them! draw the same character 1000 times in a row. i tend to focus on mostly one of my characters at a time - i draw her, i think about her, so i want to draw her more, and so on. that's fine

if there's any part of drawing that you like more than others, maybe try leaning on that more, and remember you don't need to do anything you don't want to do. if doing lineart sucks, don't do that. if coloring makes you want to stop drawing, use black and white

but also, where i've also been very lucky is having people like you around! :-) having people respond and connect to my art with such enthusiasm and such kindness, it's incredible

genuinely i owe more to people online who like my art than anyone does to me for making it. i would probably still make art if i had no one to show it too (which is what i did in middle school lol), but it's very lonely. it's harder to create something if it feels like no one will care. and i've been there, i spent years on deviantart having zero followers and attention. so i think every artist needs supportive friends they can show their art to for encouragement

some people feel shame that they don't do art just for its sake, that they want followers and likes and all, so i just want to say it's normal to want that :-) like i do make my art for an audience, if it was just for myself, i'd look at it in my head

i hope any of that helps!! in conclusion, i think any kind of art is worth making. and it should be fun. i also hope this makes any sense - i have to go to work soon but i wanted to reply before that. and thank you again for your kind words!!!!! <33333333

[doxolove]

I guess I do one of these every year on Tumblr since it's okay to yap behind a read more, but here's a review of my 2023. (tw: mental health, death mention)

I honestly don't know where this year went. I spent a good portion of it in crippling mental pain which was a wakeup call in a lot of ways. I went to therapy, I was serious about a self-help journey and freed myself from a tremendous amount of negativity. I learned to put value into my own needs, which has been a new concept as a whole. Codependency was ruining my life and it fucked up it's good share of connections along the way– I was finally sick of it.

I lost a lot of connections and people in my life, circumstantial or not. My grandmother also passed away and it brought in a whole new avenue to grieve. It's never been easy to say goodbye to people, I've let too many in the past long live their stay. I let people I was convinced cared for me unconditionally walk all over me on purpose. I gave too much of myself willingly to any and everyone I have met–

And now I'm finally feeling those repercussions. I'm mentally checked out more than ever, I can't focus on one thing for too long. I had to stop taking artwork commissions, I'm deeply struggling with my craft. I am incapable of letting someone in too close or even give them the appropriate energy, I'm overwhelmed with a lingering trauma I wish would go away already.

Even through all of that, I'm allowing myself to feel disappointed in others. The lack of communication is astounding me, how anyone would just let a decade+ friendship end because they couldn't conjure the strength to talk to me– or outside input influenced them, I just don't know. I'm disappointed in the people I had what seemed like healthy and chill relationships with just die because there was no urge to communicate (or again, most likely influenced)... It's just really upsetting. I don't know what made someone that assured me they had no issues with me start being a toxic asshole any time I was matched against them in pvp? It's all baffling. I wish it was easier to just ask what went wrong -- but I know sometimes it's nothing particularly logical. It just happens.

They all still haunt me, but I have learned most people don't actually want lasting or meaningful relationships and it was hard to come to terms with that. My science and fact-driven mind always wants to know why– but sometimes (most of the time) I'll never get to know that answer.

I still feel really broken, I'm not going to lie. I don't know how long I'm going to feel like this– but I've gained a newer appreciation for the people that are still in my life and understand that my social battery has deteriorated. I'm still learning how much energy to give to new people, but I am tired of being afraid to be social. The right ones are out there and it's not fair I rob myself of the chance of meeting more.

In summary, be kind to yourself going into 2024. You can try as many times as you need to, just go at your own pace. Surround yourself with individuals who reciprocate, communicate often. Not everything works out, and that's fine. I can only hope this next fever dream of a year will be a little better.

[redrocketpanda]

Today is my 1 year anniversary of fic writing! I wanted to do something to celebrate but couldn't think of anything, so here's a little reflective ramble post about writing instead

For well over a decade (tbh closer to 15 years) I struggled with severe writing anxiety and, with the exception of one thing I posted in 2014, my anxiety became so bad that I completely disengaged from writing altogether. Whenever I sat down to write I would be filled with such powerful negative thoughts that I would become paralysed by them. I tried so many things to help combat this including writing workshops + classes, nanowrimo, mentoring, journaling, and reading tonnes of self-help advice, but nothing seemed to work. I grew increasingly despondent, afraid that nothing would "fix" me, which was incredibly depressing because when I was younger I loved writing. I wanted to get back to that space of creativity and joy that writing brought but instead felt like I was being pushed further and further away from it.

Then, in November 2022, I was talking to one of my best friends - @parad0xymoron - about how distressing I was finding S6 of My Hero Academia, to the point where I was struggling to watch it. Socket's suggestion? Write fic! If something is happening that I don't like or is upsetting me, then I can write a different version of events. And thus the first chapter of Just Watch Me - my Kirishima/Bakugou fic - was born.

And once I'd started, I found I couldn't stop.

Suddenly, all of the characters, and scenarios, and plots I was imagining in my head came spilling out onto the page. Between November - April, I not only posted all 4 chapters of Just Watch Me but I also wrote and published 7 other one-shots as well. This isn't to say that writing "suddenly" became easy. Of course it didn't. It was - and is - still stressful for me. There were times when I felt that all too familiar sense of paralysis creeping up on me, but I drew on all the tools I had learned over a decade to deal with it.

I stopped. Took a deep breath. Looked inside to see what was going on: What was I scared or anxious of? Then I addressed the issue myself, or spoke to friends who helped me process. And then I kept going. I didn't let the fear or the anxiety or the obsessive need for perfection to stop me.

In exactly 1 year (27th November 2022 - 27th November 2023) I went from 0 words to:

I repeat: In exactly 1 year I went from 0 words in (almost) 10 years to 87, 852 words across 12 published fics for 5 different fandoms. And that's not even including the thousands of words I have from my wips.

During this time, I didn't just write though. I spent time devouring other people's fics and learning from their writing. I spoke to a whole bunch of wonderful fic writers who gave me tonnes of useful feedback, ideas, reassurance, and validation. I began analysing media I enjoy to begin breaking down the parts of them that I loved so that I could learn from it. I joined a bunch of bang events (which, honestly, has been incredible). And I made friends with some of the most wonderful people + writers who are now very dear to my heart.

Perhaps ironically, I cannot even put into words how life changing writing fic and participating in fandom has been for me. It has given me back what no workshops or classes or professionals has ever been able to give me - my ability to write, and to enjoy writing.

So let me just be a sap for a minute and say a very tearful thank you to any of you who have been part of my journey - whether that's been in leaving kudos or comments on my fics, or talking through ideas with me, or beta-reading my fics, or gifting me your valuable writing advice, or sharing your own writing journeys with me, or being someone who I've made friends with.

I'm literally so grateful to every single experience I've had over the past year, and it makes me very excited to see what the next year brings. I still have far to go and much to learn, but damn am I revelling in the fucking joy of being able to write. I'm so excited to keep writing, keep creating, and keep sharing with you all <3

[meatloafhoagie]

random guitar hero headcanons to get to know a bit more about the characters!

- Izzy has two older sisters (canon that he has older sisters, not confirmed how many, so I'll say two) - Gwen Sibiya and Penny Sibiya. Izzy's real name is Isaac Sibiya. They are all from South Africa and moved to the United States when Izzy was six, which is why Izzy's accent is a South African-American hybrid one. He would often rummage through his sisters' makeup and clothes, copying their style! These were his earliest feats of fashion androgyny. 

- Izzy has a tongue piercing...enough said.

- Judy has a split tongue...also enough said.

- Lars Umlaut, despite his scary look, really can't bring himself to be scary in real life. He is also afraid of big dogs (canon). 

- Casey's greatest fear is actually Bigfoot. She grew up in the south, so Bigfoot was a more notable wilderness monster she'd heard about. Another one is Crazy Man, which is an underground Appalachian one.

- When Judy learns something niche about someone, she secretly researches everything there is to know about this niche thing. For instance, when she discovered Casey is from the south, she spent hours researching southern Gothic facts. Also when Xavier spouts knowledge about rock history, she definitely searches that up, too. She once spent a whole day researching Wicca, as her aunt Missy is Wiccan, and of course, growing up in a conservative Catholic home has sheltered her from a lot of interesting topics outside of Biblical stories. So she researches like crazy in private. 

- One of Johnny's biggest regrets is being mean to people who don't deserve it. He has a hardcore punk rock exterior that means well, but sometimes he can be a bit too overbearing, which brings him to feel awful if he learns that the person on the receiving end of his short temper had actually good intentions. Over time he will learn to soften up. 

- Casey has a vulnerable side deep beyond her cynical, practical nature that she guards with her punches and her mouth. You'd have to be super duper close with her to see that. However, she asks for no one's pity, as she was raised to be independent. She, at times, will wish she wasn't so hardcore herself, that the life she's had would've made her a little softer, like Judy and Pandora and Midori. But at other times, she's glad she doesn't take anyone's BS. 

- Despite always standing up for herself and fighting for what's good for her, if push came to shove and the world was crashing down, Casey would definitely stand in the way of all her friends for them. She would fight for them because she is really caring and loving, deep down. She doesn't know how to talk about it, and would much rather show it. 

- In the event of a zombie apocalypse, Lars would be the leader and protector of the Guitar Heroes. Since I already have him as a father type figure in my AU, he would worry about getting everyone else to safety immediately - even if it risked his life. 

- Xavier WOULD bring someone back to life if he could - and that would be his mother Casydi Stone. He loved her so much, and not only does the world miss her music and her impact on rock, but he misses her as his mother.

- Lars is also scared of thunderstorms. He is a very sweet guy in real life. I love this headcanon and am sticking with it. 

- Judy has a complicated relationship with religion. On one hand she wants to believe in God and prays to Him in private sometimes. On the other hand, the strictness of her household growing up and the way everyone held the Bible over her head will always stick with her in a negative way.

- It is impossible to frighten or phase Midori. You could show her the scariest thing ever and she would just shrug and smile. 

- To elaborate a bit more on Midori's fearlessness - it's what makes her and Casey an unlikely but unstoppable duo. Casey is fearless in a way where she's scary, and Midori is fearless in a way where she shrugs and skips away in the face of danger. We have strong and confident fearless and carefree fearless. And we have an iconic duo when we have Casey and Midori.

- Pandora 100% believes in ghosts. She has also made friends with a few. As a teen she would oftentimes spend her Friday nights not at some high school party, or at some football game, or even out to eat with her family - you'd find her in her room, on the Ouja board, listening to Bauhaus and learning from ghosts. She even kept a diary chronicling her ghost adventures.  

- Pandora is not the best with words, or even expressing her love, but with Judy, she feels completely understood without saying a word at all. All she has to do is exist, and Judy will take her in without judgement. That was the first quality about Judy that she fell for - her lack of judgement. It was a breath of fresh air after growing up in a stuck-up violinist family as a goth.

- And because of this, Judy loves to just exist with Pandora. Because she knows that Pandora knows that she loves her just the way she is.

- That being said, Judy, I like to headcanon, is a great friend and an exemplary girlfriend. Very understanding, and not a lick of judgemental-ness in her. As I've said before, people either wanna be with Judy or be her!

- Casey is very, very intelligent. In private she has her head in a book or her eyes glued to a documentary. However, unlike Xavier, she does not spout out the facts she learns from her educational endeavors. She prefers to keep people guessing at how intelligent she is. She loves to prove people wrong about the assumptions they have of her. 

- Pandora has a terrible time picking up the moods people are in. She cannot read the room for the life of her. This is also because she is neurodivergent (in my AU). 

- The worst thing Lars has ever done was kill a fly. 

- Midori's favorite thing about the night is the nights she spends inside. Whether it's shredding her big black guitars in her bright, pink, adorable room or simply reading graphic novels while sipping hot drinks, she loves spending time alone at night in her cute PJ's. However, she hates to be alone for a while, and she gets a little sad if her friends are all preoccupied at night and can't hang out with her. She'd never press the issue with them, but it still makes her a little sad.

- Casey doesn't like children - but when it comes to Axel's daughter, Ellie, she is an accidental babysitter. Ellie really loves Casey, and although Casey is a little awkward about it, she still tries her best to be kind to her. 

- Lars' favorite black metal bands are Burzum, Gorgoroth, and Tsjuder. 

- The characters' moral alignments would be: 

Johnny - chaotic neutral

Judy - neutral good

Izzy - chaotic good

Pandora - neutral good

Axel - lawful good

Xavier - lawful good

Lars - lawful good

Casey - lawful neutral 

Midori - chaotic good 

- Xavier has some relatives who live in Jamaica! This is because his grandparents lived there. 

- As a boyfriend, Izzy is very physical, loving, and tender. His glam rock persona is a part of him, yes, but he always makes sure to treat you with respect and care. He doesn't really like groupies, surprisingly enough, because they're all girls, and I headcanon him as pansexual with a more male lean. He is not a rocker who objectifies women, and he genuinely gets upset when he sees it happening amongst other bands. 

- Judy holds a massive grudge against her parents - for instilling a perfectionist, conservative mindset into her that she has to break out of when starting her own rock journey. It will take her a while to forgive her mother the most, because of how she treated Judy as she began to grow up and become her own woman. Her parents wanted her to be a girl with knees splintered by church pews and Bible verses memorized to a T. Instead, Judy's love of alternative rock was who she really was.

- Johnny loves cats so much (canon!) but to elaborate more on this, he has ten of them - and most of them are little fluffy white kittens. 

- Casey has a really big, impressive wall of guitars in her house.

- Axel discovered his wife was cheating on him when Ellie ratted her out. And kids don't lie. 

- Izzy felt alone a lot as a child, despite his current energetic and carefree state. Because he was from South Africa and was a giant David Bowie nerd, he found it very hard to get along with the kids around him growing up. 

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

The issue remains that TERFs are hijacking feminism. When I wrote that one essay in the past, my point was to demonstrate - and I was validated by the evidence I found - that the acronym "TERF" wasn't even synonymous with radical feminism, let alone feminism. The acronym was specifically created to differentiate the transphobic types of radical feminists from the non-transphobic types. The alleged originator of the acronym even suggested using TES, for "trans exclusionary separatists", instead soon thereafter, when they pointed out that the transphobic bunch they were describing couldn't really be said to actually be radical feminists, but it didn't catch on.

With the knowledge that I have and with my relationship to feminism, I will sometimes talk or write about feminism, or even mention radical feminism, although I am admittedly not well-informed of whether radical feminism still exists proactively today. Despite being against TERFs and the amount of time I have spent fighting for my life [...] to defend anyone who needs feminism from TERFs, even despite my strong wording against TERFs, it is not uncommon that someone who has grown afraid of TERFs will dismiss (or, in an online space, block, which impacts me less) me on sight.

If my disabilities ever allow it, I would like to spend more time physically interacting with feminist associations and groups in the future. As it stands, my limited interaction with political associations - not by choice, as I have unfortunately talked about the ableism and classism that prevent people like me from getting fully involved before - causes an unfortunate amount of my activism to be done from a distance and/or online. And I'll say it - reactionary tumblr posts are just not representative of reality. I think a lot of us know that to some degree, but few realise the extent of it. Because of the culture around conversation on tumblr, we all fall victim to it to some degree.

But I'm in an awkward position - to the many "casual" cishet feminists who don't even know about the queer movement, my detailed knowledge of the wrongs caused by TERFism makes me incomprehensible. To those negatively impacted by TERFs, my feminism and/or my interest in talking about the history of radical feminism makes them wary of me. It can't really be helped. I will never be hurt as much by being accidentally misconstrued for a TERF from time to time than a trans person will be by TERFs. And to come full circle - as a fellow cis feminist, I am in a position to understand that the ignorant cishet feminists aren't ignorant out of malice - that's not how ignorance works.

By all means, I'm not yet in a good place to perfectly communicate what I mean and support the movements I care about. Inclusive feminism is important to me, but too many groups are only inclusive on paper - and I'm just excluded enough not to be able to have the impact I'd like, but not enough that someone would be able to see it on my face and hold my hand. I've mentioned before that I suffer from the inaccessibility of protests in my city, and when I do attend, I feel frustrated by the limitations that I know I'd have the knowledge and experience to do something about if only I could metaphorically fit through the doorway. By being stuck online, which I know insufficient, I also worry about accidentally scaring and hurting the people I want to help, largely because I don't have the spaces and tools to learn how to better communicate and, possibly, to learn more that I do not yet know and that could be limiting what I say.

[wetcatspellcaster]

I am eagerly Consuming An Honest Lie, which has bumped Pieces Still Stuck in Your Teeth to a beloved second place for the fic I'm most excited to read. Your dedication to that pale man's little funky brain, and his plotting and falling and confusion is blissfully stressful to me. I get it, and I do not get it at all times. I've never experienced that when reading before. The "EW, no don't say you love me" "but wait I kind of wanted you to" energy. Halsin's massive fucking tits. The whiplash of emotion between that line and where we ended. My dream of this is you release an annotated copy with little notes of either 1) what these blorbos are actually thinking/feeling or 2) what you were thinking when you wrote it. Also kudos on handling the anons flirting with you over your fic. Parasocial blah blah blah, but I feel like they're being utterly charmed and seduced by your creativity, vibes, and brain waves and that's kind of a bop.

Hi anon!!

Thank you for being so nice about An Honest Lie! I had a lot of apprehension/uncertainty about continuing A Bleeding Heart beyond early access even though people did request it in comments. Partly bc it's a fic that's quite close to my heart, but also early access is a much tighter narrative arc than full access lol. Full access is a lot of rambles, as you can already tell by the change in the chapter wordcounts. With all that to be anxious about behind the scenes, it's nice and heartwarming to know someone appreciates it. All in all, I like writing Astarion POV so it's nice to have that excuse again, even if he's 10 times more complicated than he used to be!

(Also Halsin has massive fucking tits. This is just facts. Even an asexual Astarion would recognise basic anatomy.) <- I'm afraid this is the kind of annotation you would receive, I do not know if this truly elaborates or improves upon the fanfic experience, my brain is not a very complicated place. A lot of the blorbos' thoughts are either 'anxiety4anxiety' or 'Insight roll: 2'. A lot of my thoughts are along the lines of 'have you spent three sentences describing someone's anxiety spiral AGAIN, *Miranda Priestly voice* Groundbreaking' or 'fuck, what bodyparts touch in this kiss to make it different from the last kiss???'

As to the final part of your message, 1. I'm fascinated by the concept that anyone could have a parasocial relationship with me, I'm literally Just Some Guy. 2. Listen, I don't get flirted with very often, so if writing emotionally stunted vampire twinks is what finally gets me bitches, then thank god, for I have few other skills. 3. My charisma modifier is negative IRL, so a little spice that I can take 3-5 business days to process is actually an ideal format for me. Like a letter in an Austen novel.

(unfortunately for you, I'm replying today bc I'm trying to clear my inbox before I travel 😊)

[scifrey]

I JUST realized why, for the first time in forever, I'm SO engaged with writing a fanfiction and posting it as I go, and why I keep rereading and rereading and rereading the amazing comments and tags.

The last longform fanfic I wrote was in 2015, and it was To a Stranger. I've written some loosely connected drabbles based on Alice Rovai's beautiful art since, but in terms of fanfic, that's all I've done in 8 years.

I used to write and post fanfic constantly. I'd been creating, and posting, and sharing in all sorts of fandoms and communities pretty much continuosly since 1991.

What changed?

Well I became a professionally represented writer. I had a literary agent, I had contract deals, and I had deadlines. And don't get me wrong, I LOVE IT. It's fantastic to be able to write and share my original stories with the world.

But it meant that all of my creative brain and time was taken up with original stories instead of fanfic. And I was fine with that, I was getting to create. I wrote stories, and people reviewed them well, and my editor and my publishers adored them.

But my relationship with my literary agent began to break down pretty swiftly, and I spent a lot of time being talked over, ignored, misunderstood, and misinterpreted as a result.

I pitched a bunch of books she didn't want, and wrote a few others that she didn't understand or know how to sell. Some are still just rotting on my hard drive to this day. We parted ways in 2020. In order to query for a new agent, I began work on a novel that I've been thinking of for at least a decade.

It took me 2 years to write that book, and I've been querying it for a year. I've had over 130 rejections at this point, because it is a difficult, weird book with a tone that purposely doesn't match the themes, and it is absolutely on the too-long side of market wordcount preference.

I understood that this would be a hard slog when I decided to use a book like this to query. I knew that finding a new literary agent would not be easy, and that going out into the world with probably one of the hardest books I've ever written would not lead to a quick and easy new professional relationship.

But goddamn does it feel awful to spend half a decade being told no. It is not doing good things for my mental health or my confidence as a creator.

My beta readers love the book. But besides those three people, I have heard nothing but negative things about my writing for YEARS.

Which as you can imagine does not inspire me to sit down and try to write anything new. I probably should let this book rest. I should be putting it in a drawer and moving on to the next novel, trying to write something a little more palatable, and going out on query with that. But I just don't have the heart to create something new, AGAIN, knowing that it's probably just going to tip into that same black hole of non-response, misunderstanding or indifference that's swallowed up the last handful of projects I've worked on.

And then I thought, maybe it's time to write something for fun again.

I was struck with a cracky idea for a fanfic (though in typical J.M. Frey style I seem determined to make my readers cry) and I decided to try writing it.

Normally I would write the whole story and then post it when it was finished. But I am genuinely afraid that if I started it that way, if I didn't talk about it publicly and nobody knew I was doing it, my interest would fizzle out and my ennui about creating would take over and it abandon it. (The same way I have the last two novels I tried to start in the past few months.)

So I did the thing that I have been terrified to do since I first became a professional writer: I've started posting the fic AS I write it.

And holy crap am I inspired to continue. It's a shame that my day job is in the way because I just want to sit and write and write and write and write and write.

This hasn't happened to me in YEARS.

And it's because of you people.

It's because, for the first time and half a decade, people are saying nice things about my writing. People are responding positively to my stories. And I didn't realize how much negativity I was internalizing with the query rejections. I didn't realize how much the repeated "no"s were dragging me down.

Hopefully one day soon I'll get another literary agent and I can start hearing great things about my writing again from The Biz.

But honestly, I'm starting to think that that doesn't matter.

Right now, I am ony knees with tears in my eyes THANKING YOU.

Thank you all for reminding me why I do this: to make readers feel something, to engage readers minds and hearts, and to put good stories out into the world.

So thank you so much for letting me know you enjoy them. Thank you for helping me believe in my work again.

[faolanrune]

Whoo boy this one is emotion packed for me. This is what I could very easily see you saying to Lum when you take over as governor, few lyric changes to match timeline but otherwise the same. Hope by NF. Blue for you and red for Lum.

“Lum it’s time to step down. You’ve done nothing but harm this colony and haven’t given a shit about our well-being since the day you stepped foot here.”

“Who else could ever possibly lead this colony like me? Do you really think that you? A child? Could ever lead Vertumna?”

“I’m not a child any more Lum. You’ve had your run, time to let someone competent take charge here”

Five long years you been draggin' your feet

Tellin' us we’re the reason we're stagnant

Five long years you've been claiming you're honest

And promising progress, well, where's it at?

I don't want you to feel like a failure

I know this hurts

You hoped some fake sympathy might grant you some ease with stripping this rank from him. But it would take time to see if it worked.

But we gave you your chance to deliver

Now it's my turn

Don't get me wrong, Lum, you've had a great run

But it's time to give the people somethin' different

So without further ado, I'd

Like to introduce my candidacy as governor.

Here’s my promise to you all

Hope

What's my definition of success?

Listening to what your heart says

Standing up for what you know is

Right, while everybody else is

Tucking their tail between their legs

What's my definition of success?

Creating something no one else can

Being brave enough to dream big

Grindin' when you're told to just quit

Giving more when you got nothin' left

It's a person that'll take a chance on

Something they were told could never happen

You motioned towards Tang standing off to the side

It's a person that can see the bright side through the dark times when there ain't one

Tammy and her kiddo smiled as you outstretched a hand towards her

It's when someone who ain't never had nothin'

Ain't afraid to walk away from more profit

'Cause they'd rather do somethin' that they really love and take the pay cut

Rex and Nomi Nomi gave you warm grins and cheered you on.

It's a person that would never waver

Or change who they are

Just to try and gain some credibility

So they could feel accepted by a stranger

Cal stood strong and gave you a solid nod at your acknowledgment

It's a person that can take the failures in their life and turn them into motivation

You winked over at Anemone and Marz.

It's believing in yourself when no one else does, it's amazing

What a little bit of faith can do if you don't even believe in you

Why would you think or expect anybody else that's around you to?

I done did things that I regret

I done said things I can't take back

Flashes of past lives flicker through your head. Regrets and words you could never take back.

Was a lost soul at a crossroad who had no hope but I changed that

I spent years of my life holdin' on to things I never should've kept, full of hatred

Years of my life carryin' a lot of baggage that I should've walked away from

Years of my life wishin' I was someone different, lookin' for some validation

Years of my life tryna fill the void, pretending I was in

They get it

Growing pain's a necessary evil

Difficult to go through, yes, but beneficial

Some would say having a mental breakdown is a negative thing

Which on one hand, I agree with

On the other hand, it was the push I needed

To get help and start the healing process, see

If I'd have never hit rock bottom

Would I be the person that I am today?

I don't believe so

I'm a prime example of what happens when you choose to not accept defeat and face your demons

Took me many years to realize that if you want to get the opportunity

To be the greatest version of yourself

Sometimes you got to be someone you're not to hear the voice of reason

The crowd was showing interest, gathering and murmuring amongst each other. Rallying to your side.

Five long years of running, Five long years of searching

Five long years of hurting, Five long years of pain

Five long years of fearful, Five long years of anger

Five long years of empty, Five long years of shame

Five long years of broken, Five long years of anguish

Five long years of hopeless, Five long years of (hey)

Five long years of never, Five long years of maybe

Five long years of later, Five long years of fake

Five long years of hollow, Five long years of sorrow

Five long years of darkness, Five long years of Lum

Five long years of baggage, Five long years of sadness

Five long years of stagnant, Five long years of chains

Five long years of anxious, Five long years of suffering

Five long years of torment, Five long years of (wait)

Five long years of bitter, Five long years of lonely

Five long years of pushing everyone away

Lum was visibly angry now. Trying to get in your face and attempt to intimidate you. But you refused to back down, and you shoved your face right back in his. Matching him beat for beat as he tried to seed self doubt in your head.

(You'll never evolve) I know I can change

(We are not enough) we are not the same

(You don't have the heart) you don't have the strength

(You don't have the will) you don't have the faith

(You'll never be loved) you'll never be safe

(Might as well give up) not running away

(You don't have the guts) you're the one afraid

I'm the one in charge

I'm taking the (no)

I'm taking the Reigns

[antylope]

pt1. How I became a loser (Learn on my mistakes)

Hi again, this will be a first part of a story which explains how I became a loser.

I desire for this post to be relatable to others which might have found themselves in a similar boat. If you don't want to read how I became a loser, you can skip to the second part, where I explain how I escaped being a loser, but I believe it'd be very helpful if you read the whole post.

I believe it was a combination of genes, the way I had been raised and various environmental factors. I am a very intense introvert and I have been throughout my whole life. My parents sent me to a private catholic kindergarten, which was also connected with a catholic primary school. This made me spent my early childhood, from age 4 to 12 in a very religious, god-fearing atmosphere, where everything had to be 'perfect' and strict, where there was a high demand for discipline. We couldn't wear the clothes we want, we couldn't eat sweets, we couldn't use our phones.

As you can imagine, such restrictions of freedom might work as a short-term solution, but when you "take off the leash" away from these children they don't know how to deal with it. Last time I checked, exactly HALF of the people I went to class with still were: afraid of life, extremely shy, unable to make any decisions for themselves, overly scared of taking risk or any change etc. The other half enjoyed the freedom, which was given to them by ending the primary school, a bit too much. They became "wild' with the way they lived their lifes, they started abusing drugs or destroying their lives in various ways.

At the age of 12 I landed in the first group - I was a small child whom was afraid of the whole world. I was too scared to make friends with anyone, I was scared to talk to girls. It became so severe I lived with a huge amount of anxiety. My legs were also shaking when I tried to talk to any girl (I know how absurd that sounds). I also became a bit chubby, which made me self-concious of my body image, but in age 13-15 I grew a bit taller so I wasn't as overweight.

Age 16 is when highschool started. Probably the worst episode of my life. I again had troubles with my self confidece, to the point that I could not look in the mirror. I had a few friends, which in reality were talking behind my back and laughing at me (I will probably make a post about it in details in the future). I never was good at sports, I was always chosen last. It's not that I hated sports, I just was extremely bad at them and the comments from other peers my age were demotivating and they made my attitude negative.

"Luckily" covid hit so I didn't have to leave my house ever. I am pretty sure it was MONTHS of staying inside, not leaving the home because why would I - everything was on the internet anyways. I became a shut in which spent EVERY bit of my time playing games on my computer. I became even more addicted to porn, masturbating 3-5 times a day to increasingly more fucked up shit. I also became chubby again, which landed me in a "skinny-fat" category (your arms are small and skinny, but you have a belly and fatty love handles). My diet didn't help it. It consisted in 80% of processed foods.

My life was a mess. I was overweight, weak both physically and mentally, addicted to porn, I felt rejected by society, and all of my friends were "secretly" laughing at me, but I was such a big waste of space I accepted it. I was a definition of a loser - someone who lost in real life. And I wasn't even fully aware of it.

My realization came to me in 2 seperate situations.

The first one, is when my friend asked me to send him a picture of my face, because he "wanted to draw me". This was kinda his interest back then so I agreed. It turned out he wanted to, once again, laugh at me with his other friends. All of them set my face as a profile picture on discord, basically bullying me and making a laughing stock out of me.

The second one was when I was sitting in front of a computer browsing social media (because what else could I be doing back then), it was insanely hot that day so I did it shirtless. I looked down at my body, and then the realisation hit. I was overweight as fuck. I had huge love-handles and man-boobs, which were most likely a result of puberty fueled by highly processed foods and 0 physical activity.

This was the day I decided to change myself.

But how I did it? You will find out in part 2 :-)

Hope you enjoyed this post and remember - if you have ANY questions about me or suggestions about this blog, let me know. I am new to this and I WANT to hear from you.

[dearlydarlingdahlia]

I decided to close comments on all of my fics.

Unfortunately, I've been dealing with a little bit of rudeness/harassment on ao3. It wasn't enough to just turn off comments on the relevant works because I was getting comments on my completely unrelated work instead. Even though I could delete comments, they would just repost. I've also tried moderating, closing comments just to guests, and blocking people. I'm a pretty anxious and sensitive person so dealing with this over the last few months became too much for me. Even if other people handle this all the time, they must just have a different capacity than I do.

The positive comments I have received in the past were such a blessing, and I'm super grateful for them. However, the strange/negative ones I've been getting recently have been detracting from the fun. It might sound silly or stupid, but I had started getting nervous every time I got an email from ao3. I was just afraid of what kind of shit I was going to get next.

Recently, I tried a thing where my husband was 'moderating' my comments for me. He would read them first and then explain them to me in a helpful way. It was definitely helpful, but I still found myself stressed anyway. I think ultimately, I was and am worried that my work just burdens, inconveniences, or harms people just by existing. No one has actually said that my work has harmed them. This is just my own deeper sense of shame speaking.

In the last several months, all of the comments I have gotten have been entirely negative. I wasn't getting anything positive, so I asked friends to write a few nice comments for me to help me feel better. They kindly read and praise my work, but they don't go on ao3. It was really sweet, but I think I'll just stick to receiving their praise outside of ao3. Reading things aloud to them and having whole conversations about it has been super fulfilling.

I also decided to apply a skin on the site for myself to hide all of the stats. This way, I no longer see how many comments, kudos, hits, or bookmarks I have throughout the website. I also adjusted my settings, so I don't receive emails for kudos either. I do appreciate knowing readers like my work, but I got too anxious about the numbers and questioning if my writing was 'enough'. It became less fulfilling and enjoyable when I was fixated on my 'performance'. It was demoralizing spending hours creating something so personal and relying on a number to quantify the 'success'. I also couldn't just 'stop caring' about this.

Hiding the stats so far has felt liberating. Now when I scroll through my works, I instead think about how each one made me feel.

Sadly, I feel like my writing flow has been frozen up lately and like it's even in a chokehold. I'm afraid to write because I'm afraid I'll just get hate or negativity. I've been rereading some of my work lately, and it's validating because it makes me happy. I'm sure this writers block will pass soon enough. I'm just used to being able to churn out content quickly.

Sometimes I worry inconvenience people because I write SO much content. Like I'm clogging up their search results or email notifications with my crap. I'm almost at one million words on ao3 and I've only been at this since last December. This fear of burdening people with my volume of words probably stems from being told that I 'talk too much' by an abusive man when he was justifying the harm he did to me.

I've been reading a powerful book about abuse recently, and I just finished the section on arguments with an abuser. It said that abusers usually seek to discredit you and silence you, which really spoke to my experience. In the past, I've allowed myself to be silenced and I've literally spent years hiding from the world. I don't want to keep letting that happening to me, so I plan to write again soon when it feels right.