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Diary of a Hopeless Romantic

Pt. 13 - Ego

I keep talking about how my soul starts to dance, but I have not talked about how my ego is starving. But let me tell you about today first until I reach out for advice.

Let me keep it short though. Today I went upstairs earlier than usual because I had to talk to some patients. I stopped by to see if Endrit finished his lego, but he did not.

Somehow it made me a little sad, which I told him, but he was busy, which I do understand. At least I tried, but it did mess with my mood for a couple of seconds. Now I won’t expect him to build it until tomorrow or the day after and will just be happy as soon as I see it on his desk.

I sat down and talked to him for a few minutes and told him that we will order food today. I invited him over to eat in my office with his coworker. Later when I went upstairs again they told me that they would join and I stayed there for quite a while, talking to them, joking around.

When I told E I was kind of forgetful today, he asked if I experience that often. When I asked if he wanted to diagnose me, he laughed and said he was just messing with me. A couple seconds later his tone changed to a worried voice asking me if I experience it more often. I told him no and he changed his voice immediately, being all fun and joking again.

So we ordered and I told them when the food was ready. They brought drinks and we spent half an hour talking, eating in my office. They admired it by the way and E told me he would stop by a cool office like that more often. I guess it was a hint that he would visit me, but I won’t expect it to happen. He is way busier than I am and he can’t control his schedule the way I can.

We met a few times afterwards again, talking for a few minutes, waving to each other or just looking at each other.

One funny thing that happened was that I asked if E knew if one other coworker of his was single (since my best friend thought he was cute). He was confused since I beat around the bush and also had a pause before explaining why I wanted to know if that doctor was single.

But yeah, he has not made any moves, except just getting closer to me little by little. Which is not bad, don’t get me wrong. I don’t like things moving too fast, still I am so frustrated. At least give me some social media, so I could send you memes that remind me of you or so I could send you a message on the weekend. Is that too much to ask?

I kept questioning myself today. Also when I talked to my favorite coworker, she was just hinting that things move too slow. I told her that I don’t have his number, so what am I supposed to do? I spend as much time as possible with him, even taking detours just to smile at him or pass him. I can’t show him more of my interest than I already do.

Ok I could, I could ask him out on a date or just ask him for his number, but you know what’s in my way? My stupid ego and my stupid old fashioned thinking.

There is a festival in our city this weekend and I could go there on Friday and on Sunday and I would love to go there with him, but I would have to ask for the date then.

Me. A stupid (small) old fashioned girl clueless about love.

Why am I even waiting for him to ask? I am a person knowing what I want and reflecting on myself so much, god knows what kind of a mess he is at the moment. Who knows if he is overwhelmed, shy, nervous? What if he is too afraid to ask and what if he already notices that I am moving in my tempo? So what if he realized and just keeps it this way to not be a toxic overwhelming guy?

But what if he is just not that interested? What if he wants to take it even slower? What if he only sees me as a cute coworker or what if he ... Well, no he is not, but... I don't know.

Yes, I did realize myself how ridiculous all the negative questions were, since I am so sure he likes me. But I am so afraid to lose interest, because of my ego not asking and him either being too shy or too cautious. I told him about me being not the most sociable person and that I had troubles getting along with people back in highschool. I told him that I used to hang out with shady people, since I had nowhere to go, so maybe he just doesn’t want to put pressure on me.

I don't know.

The only thing I know is that I have been starving my ego since now. I made a lot of moves, ignoring that my pride is usually stopping me from being like this. The only thing I fed was my soul. I made my soul happy, danced together with it, finally being one with it, so why am I already trying to self-sabotage by giving my ego some treats.

Who says that the man has to ask for a date? For a number? Who says that the man has to take the first steps, when women are capable of it? I am capable of doing that (with lots of anxiety and probably loss of words, but I could), so why is my ego suddenly so important?

This is just ridiculous. But what am I supposed to do? Just ask him? I mean the worst thing is I get rejected, because he is busy or he doesn’t like to, but at least then I know.

I am a mess today, but to be fair I had too much time to think today. So... should I feed my soul or my ego?

- the hopeless romantic

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Ahhh yess the doctor things xD

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Diary of a Hopeless Romantic

Pt. 12 - the unsaid

He never said anything that would make me be certain about his thoughts, his feelings, his whole opinion about all we had. He never said anything, but today I started to know. I know how he feels now. I am certain since so much more is said in the unsaid. There is so much meaning in actions and I now know. He likes me more than just some coworker. He is interested in the real V. I am sure.

So you now may wonder why I am certain, right? Let’s tell you about today then.

My best friend stayed at my office again but this time she just stayed there and did not walk with me when I had stuff to do. So after my usual morning schedule I had to go up to some ward and see a patient.

When I was upstairs I saw another coworker I adore, so I decided to stop at the cardiology ward and the moment I passed E’s office I saw him building the lego flower I got him. I checked if I had any stuff to do and then walked into his office just to make fun of him. He told me that he feels like a kid building those, but it was just too adorable to me.

We talked about the lego for a short while and then they asked me stuff about work. They wanted me to give some presentation about all they had to know about my job, but I refused. I just told them some basics and explained a few things to them (won’t tell it here since I am the only one who would actually be interested in this country’s health system).

The boys started joking around again and now we get to the first clue of “why I think he likes me”. Whenever either he told a joke or his coworker said something mildly funny, he would look over to me to check my reaction. It’s a common psychology thing that I started to notice a couple of years ago. When you are in a group of people there usually is someone you feel the closest to. That person’s reaction you check first, there is only one exception to that and this exception is if you are interested in someone. If you like someone you tend to check that person’s reaction all the time to see if they liked what you said or what that person said, to know their preferences, to get to know them.

He did exactly that. He checked all the time what reaction I showed, which I noticed quite early. I really had to hold myself back to not point it out.

Moving on to the second clue. When I had to leave I would have just left quietly, since some other doctor came and so on, but he told me “see you later, V. We'll see each other in the cafeteria at the latest”. This was just an invitation for me to meet up with him later, eat with him and spend time with him. Ok, I know this isn’t a 100% foolproof clue, but I still count this.

So the next clue will come later. Let’s stay in the timeline.

We met up for lunch. He sat down with us, calling it a “deja vu” as it kind of became a thing. We talked about his school days again, me showing him another picture I found. Then we continued to talk about random stuff. Again, he included my best friend a lot. I am not sure what we talked about exactly, since it was about so many things, but I remember me teasing him again.

I told him that the social service of the hospital will change up the wards they are in charge of so it may be that I am not their social worker anymore. His face changed immediately and he asked me what that meant. “Well, it could change, so I am not in charge of you guys anymore...", I told him. “I will cry then”, he said and this actually made my soul laugh.

My friends and I do this as an insider joke a lot. Whenever we ask a hypothetical question that is about some negative outcome, we would always respond with “I will cry then”.

I cleared it up by telling him how I am sure that I can keep the cardiology, so he told me to just make it happen. This could count as a clue, but could also just mean that working with me is just easier than with any of my coworkers. At the same time he told me he will miss me when he has to change up wards sooner or later.

Eating lunch with them was a highlight for sure and when they left he told me he will finish the flower by tomorrow morning, so I should check it out. Not sure if it was an invitation to go see him at his office (but I want to believe it was, so I do. Who will stop me?).

Let’s skip some time and move to the last clue. My best friend and I met some social service coworkers of mine after lunch and spend a bit of time with them. When we went downstairs to my office, I stopped by to check if there were any documents finished for me. While waiting for the elevator, E passed us. I waved at him, he waved back. When going back to his office (or whatever he had to do), he looked back. Maybe he wanted to check if I was still standing there or he just wanted to catch a glimpse of me. Whatever he did that for, he looked back right at me.

My best friend and I were about to fangirl, but the elevator was too full. But I just felt some emotions in the way he looked back.

All those small little actions, the way he talked, the way he asks about stuff (that probably aren’t even interesting for him), the way he is just presenting himself to me. I just know that this is interest in me. I know since he is not telling me this with words, he is telling me this with every option of “the unsaid”.

And it makes me happy, just the certainty of him putting meaning to us.

- the hopeless romantic

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As Comrade Lenin said, ‘To forget the past is a form of betrayal.’

— Mo Yan, Big Breasts and Wide Hips

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“Writing- the profession in which you stare at a computer screen, stare out the window, type a few words, then curse repeatedly.” ― Drew Goodman

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Diary of a Hopeless Romantic

Pt. 11 - possibilities

My day started pretty badly today. I woke up with a headache, I am on my period and I was excited to have a new coworker in my office who would stop my loneliness, but she stays at some other office. So yeah, I was about to cry at 9am in the morning, but since my best friend came over to be there for me I had a glimpse of hope that it would all turn out to be okay.

Glad I trusted in her, since my day actually got better. I took some painkillers, did all my work in 3 stressful hours and was able to breathe again the moment she entered my office. (I know she is reading this as my number 1 supporter, so thank you, my love.)

I was so stressed out by my bad mood that I wasn’t able to meet E and his coworker before lunch break and actually I would not have been the greatest company, so good for them.

At lunch I really thought we wouldn’t see each other since they were quite late, but then they came over and I awkwardly waved them over to us. I think they contemplated where to sit but then they asked if they could join us. Jokingly I declined at first, but they sat down and immediately started talking to me and my best friend.

They asked about my best friend a lot and made her be part of the conversation as much as possible, which I really loved. Of course, they had it easy since she was looking forward to talking to E, but the conversation was ongoing because he actually put in some effort.

We joked around a lot and they lifted up my mood in seconds. I don’t think there was a lunch break that was this funny before. I am a big fan of his kind of humor, I noticed. His coworker’s humor is also great. We laughed a lot just because they kind of made fun of themselves.

“If I weren’t a doctor, I don’t know what I would be. I am useless in life. All I can do is medicine.”

That cracked me up way too much. I keep thinking about that sentence of E’s coworker. My best friend is a doctor too and I feel the same way about him. If he weren’t a doctor, he would have been homeless. I am convinced.

At the end of our conversation I told them that I will visit them in their office to give them a present. They were confused, but I expected that. First they thought I would give them a handful of documents to fill out and the relief in their faces when I told them it was not work-related: comedy for a social worker.

So I went upstairs, confidently entered their office just so that all confidence would leave my body immediately. I even started shaking a bit and struggled to take the lego box out of the bag. When I placed it on the desk in front of E, I saw only one thing in his eyes: confusion. I don’t think he would have ever guessed that I would give something to them.

He then lit up a bit when he noticed it was lego and he immediately tried unpacking it. I saw him shaking a bit while struggling to open it. He joked around that he would call me if he struggles and I told him I would spare some minutes out of my “busy” work day. He thanked me a couple of times and I am pretty sure he started building it the moment I stepped out of his office.

The way he looked at me was so funny to me. He was so confused, surprised and happy about it. That really made my day and I am excited to see the finished flower on his desk tomorrow.

If this is not making him fall in love with me, what is? (I am just joking but at the same time... I am not entirely).

Usually if I meet someone (who often turns out to be quite toxic (since I am not valuing myself that much)) I drown in the feelings I have. It takes my air to breathe because I put pressure on myself, I change myself so this would last. I would intoxicate myself with hatred towards myself and it would burn me alive.

This time I am swimming in the possibility of him and I. I am learning to fly. It’s comfortable and comforting. It’s warm, not hot. It’s a little, not much.

I am warming myself up on the possibility of him and I.

- the hopeless romantic

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Barriers to Intimacy by Olivia de Recat

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Diary of a Hopeless Romantic

Pt. 10 - Weekend thoughts

While tidying up I had some conversations with myself today. Am I the only one talking to herself more than talking to other people?

I feel like I am a really great listener, so while talking to myself I realize a lot of stuff, but not as the person talking, but the person listening. The words I chose, the tone I have, everything about my body language shows me a lot about myself. Of course, you can argue now that this is because I know myself, but it’s just me analyzing people a lot and I use all the techniques I know to analyze third persons, to get to know myself more too.

So yeah, I talked to myself for an hour trying to figure out what exactly I do like about this man.

Just because I thought it could be interesting for all the readers I decided to take you with me on this journey.

Thinking back, why did I start liking him as a “coworker”, since I can’t say much about liking him as a person yet?

The moment he came over to me to ask if I was okay made a huge difference. But besides showing that he cared, what caused this in me? I am used to being a very strong person. I grew up in a household where I wasn’t really allowed to be weak. Everyone around me taught me that I need to be strong as a person experiencing life. No one will make it easier and everyone around you will just try to tear you apart. That’s what I had to learn growing up.

So whenever I encountered any hardship I tried to get through this myself. No matter what happened in my life I would fight it myself, I would fall apart myself and I would get up again with only my own strength.

But even though I view myself as a strong person, I hate being treated like one. My family does this, since they acknowledge me as a person getting through everything. They tend to blame it on my stubbornness, and that’s 100% true. I am just too stubborn to be fragile.

Treated as a strong person, what I mean with this? When you are treated as someone capable of anything, they don't treat you with care. They look up to you, since you are who you are, but they show their respect with more and more burden. “I can’t handle this since I am weak, but she can.” That’s a mindset I try to avoid.

As a stronger person, I tend to think that everyone around me is more fragile, so I treat them with care. I would take any bullet, since I can handle a tiny bit more than they can. I would give up everything I have since I can make my way up again, but they are not that strong, so I need to be the one to protect them.

I treat myself as a strong person. I take care of everyone even a tiny bit more fragile. I protect them “since I can take it and stand up again”.

This mindset is so cruel though and unfortunately a lot of people view me like this. They see me, hear my story and know I am strong, but please just treat me as someone fragile, someone falling apart.

I know I can make my way up again, even if I have everyone up against me, but I would love to have someone who would still offer me a hand or a shoulder to cry on. Treat me with care, like I could fall apart any second, treat me with caution, just in case I break. It’s comforting. It’s not a must, since I know I don’t need it, but it’s a luxury that I would love to have.

So what am I even talking about now and how is this related to him?

He treated me as someone fragile in that exact moment, when everyone else at work told me that I need to be able to handle stress, I need to experience what they had experienced, I need to suffer since that’s what life was about.

But then he just came over since he saw that I wasn’t okay, when I was still in denial. I wanted to experience all this to get stronger, since I view myself as exactly that- a strong person, but also as a liar. I am not strong. I am just in denial.

He then continued to treat me as a human being, telling me “I have this and that to be done whenever you are free. "Don't rush”. He treated me as someone who can fall apart, be stressed, suffer, just like every other human can experience this. But as I said, I still lie to myself and tell myself I am strong enough to do this and get over this.

I started to like him as a person I encounter at work because he treated me like I was fragile while everyone else didn't. Even now I am the only one in this team that is never complaining about how hard anything is, even though I am falling apart so much. I am the strong one in this team at the moment, but I needed someone to make me feel like it’s okay to crumble.

And he was that person for a while now.

Just with the words he chose while talking to me about work and I think that’s why I like him.

Because his words changed the way I looked at myself, just for seconds, but those moments made me take care of myself for seconds.

And I sincerely hope that we can get to know each other, so I can start liking him as a person. It does not have to be romantic, I am not even sure if I would want to, but I would cherish this as a friendship as well.

- the hopeless romantic

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Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

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We're friends, aren't we?

Mobtober 2023: Spirit/Ghost