#i am just genuinely angry right now
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Ok people. Real talk for a second. Cause I am genuinely pissed off.
Stop. Reposting. Otherās. Art.
Save it all you want, but stop saving it or screenshoting it and then resposting it (especially without crediting the original artist).
You may think to yourself āoh, Iām just one person so what harm could it do?ā and let me ask you this.
How many other people do you think have thought the same thing? That they are just one person resposting another personās hard work thinking that it wonāt have any kind of effect on anyone? Thinking āoh, this is only for me and maybe my friendsā. Or āthis will give the artist EXPOSURE so itās fineā (which makes no sense when you donāt CREDIT them and no one can figure out who the artist IS).
Because let me tell you, I have seen what having three or eight or DOZENS of people reposting or liking and sharing reposts of an artistās work does to some artists. Yeah, some are going to say āmeh, I donāt really careā and brush it off. But thatās not every artist.
I have seen artists completely stop posting art online because seeing people take their art and share it without bothering or caring to share who made it makes them feel like yaāll donāt actually give a shit about them. You only care about what they can make and how you can take it for yourself. I have seen other artists give up on art entirely because they genuinely feel like itās pointless to keep drawing and sharing at all because it will all just get taken anyway and no one cares who the original creator is.
So why bother making more?
Do yaāll WANT artists to stop sharing their work for you to see and appreciate?
Because taking it and reposting it is going to make some artists stop sharing their work entirely. Reposting art only does two things: momentary gratifaction for yourself and hurting artists.
And if you are so selfish that knowing your actions hurt other people, emotionally or financially or otherwise, doesnāt get through to you to make you understand that what you're doing fucking sucks thenā¦
Congratulations.
Hope ya like looking at nothing in the future.
And just use the fucking reblog button IT IS RIGHT THERE. THAT'S WHAT IT IS FOR. TO SHARE ART. WITHOUT REPOSTING IT. WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE CREDIT.
DAMN IT.
#bonezrattling#just fuckin STOP#monkie kid#lego monkie kid#tagging this with the fandom I keep SEEING THIS HAPPEN IN#so maybe some of the reposters will SEE THIS#sorry if this is rambly or poorly worded#i am just genuinely angry right now
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i cannot stand the aot fandom this is not a new take at all they are universally intolerable but oh my dayssss u are FORBIDDEN from making ANY take about the show it's actually insane to watch. 'aot is perfect' no show is perfect. 'tell me you didnt get the show šš«µ' people have different opinions/interpretations about things. 'eren is a good guy they could never make me hate him' i think there's actually 4 seasons and two movies explicitely using him as a tool to show that no one is 'good' or 'evil' they are only trying to survive. hello. the fandom r all so far up aot's ass that they actually discredit its writing in the process and it would be laughable if it wasn't so frustrating
#bc aot IS insanely well written but no one talks about it???#like all they do is SAY how well written it is but no one is brave enough to give examples or meta bc SOMEONE will jump on it#declaring they've misinterpreted the Single Correct Way of watching the show and are dumb and a hater for saying such a thing#i remember posting about my initial aot watch on here and i did NOT like eren i thought he was whiney and annoying (he is <3)#and i thought aot was overhyped but ive since finished it at long last and omg. it is so fucking good#one of those shows that you need to watch ALL of it to truly get what's going on#and the conclusion of eren's character i am genuinely so obsessed with ill probs make a separate post just about him#bc i have really 180'd on eren and i can see now he IS well written. but not for any reason i can see anyone else talking about???#people are just banging on about he was right and justified and a saviour and tragic etc etc and while those things are important#and should be considered that also like. was not the point imo#the irony and tragedy of eren jaeger was that after all the 'i am special simply bc i was born into this world'#concluded with the revelation that actually he was not special. the rumbling happened because a normal boy got a hold of a great power#and he mishandled it. he was immature. he acted his age. he was just some teenage boy and he responded in kind#there was selfishness and silly whims and a quick temper. he was never this godlike figure he gets painted as#and i ADORE THAT TAKE. THAT IS SUCH AN ICE COLD CONCLUSION. EREN WAS NEVER SPECIAL - THAT'S THE POINT#and like countless times through history one selfish person with their hands on an insane amount of power and a conviction#that they are doing the right thing goes on to lead to a continuation of the cycle of war#like the end credits with the tree is genuinely HAUNTING. it never ended. eren KNEW the rumbling would be unnsuccessful#and would leave enough of their enemies alive that they'd eventually retaliate HE KNEW THAT and did it anyway#why? bc he just /wanted/ it. desperately and immaturely. and so the war turned over for another generation and another and#LIKE THAT IS SUCH A POIGNANT HAUNTING TAKE. I FR STARED AT THE BLACK SCREEN ONCE I FINISHED IT FOR 5 MINS IN HORRIFIED SILENCE#yes it's not his sole motivation but ultimately the crux of his character boils down to the fact he's just some kid#to the point even when he's explaining it to armin at the very end they SHOW HIM AS A KID. THAT IS THE REAL EREN#THAT ANGRY SCRAPPY CHILD WHO THOUGHT HE COULD BEAT THE WORLD INTO SUBMISSION#NOT A HERO NOT A GOD NOT A DEVIL - JUST A KID GIVEN A POWER HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOT HIS HANDS ON#but if u say all that some chucklefuck tells u to kys and that u just Didnt Get The Masterpiece Of Attack On Titan#but do u know what? maybe people disagree w me! maybe this is just my interpretation! guess who's NOT gonna have a hissy fit about it?#fandom is about DISCUSSION and i have never seen a fandom as fucking allergic to it than the aot fandom#like omdddddddddd have a day off man isayama isnt gonna suck you off#aot
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oh i am so petty i am SO PETTY AUGHFH [devolves into screaming]
#EVERYONE IGNORE THIS POST IM ABOUT TO BE SO MEAN (GENUINE)#AAAHHHFGHHH. JUST FOUND OUR EX BULLY ON LINKEDIN#honestly i dont even hate her cuz of that i hate her because shes a COWARD AND A BITCH#AND I DID BETTER THAN HER IN MY ALEVELS. GOOD. FUCKING GOOD!!!!!!!!!!#OHHHHH............... I AM PISSED OFF#SHES DOING RADIOGRAPHY. RADIOGRAPHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPECIFICALLY INTERESTED IN CANCER TREATMENT#I SWEAR TO GOD. IF WE END UP WORKING TOGETHER I WILL KILL SOMETHING#sorry. okay . im normal#i am so rageful right now holy fuck i dont even know why im so angry#like. shes not doing medicine ??? but did she WANT TO???/#is she jealous. i hope shes jealous. no come on chaos thats a silly thing to say. i do hope shes jealous i hope it eats at her#AGH. now i have to be an oncologist idc#i just have to. oh my god
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why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?
#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry#when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister#but so easy literally everywhere else#I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person#I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents.#even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home#but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now#Lu rambles#can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn#bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister#bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me#the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW#that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone#so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to?#and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!!#ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.
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actually I'm NOT done with talking about the scene in Antarctica. It's been talked about ten thousand times before but OUGHHHG the creative direction!!! It's the only scene where Pitch isn't connected to any shadows!!! because it's a domain we would associate with Jack!!! The two of them are alone and Pitch has nowhere to slip away to and the art book specifies that this is the place he feels safest so he doesn't need to be near any shadows!!! in the place meant to represent Jack's emptiness! that's where he's most comfortable... and then he goes on a lecture and says I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LONG FOR A FAMILY
#fern muses#kudos to the folks who ship them but I desperately need to see a fic where pitch acts parental. and then is terrible at it#just absolutely abysmal. wretched. gives advice that always leaves jack feeling worse off. makes you wonder why they try at all#because at least a terrible relationship is more bearable than being completely alone. right? right???#if I dare think about it too long I might end up writing it and I CANNOT let that happen right now#and once again. the ghost of the books as seen in this scene... man#and the way pitch looks more sad than angry. hhh#let me be clear I think the movie did the right thing but I as an individual am now cursed to think about this dynamic#and I would desperately have liked to see more time spent on it in canon#and the fact it's a manipulation scene but you just can't help wondering how genuine these sentiments are. some of them. surely
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Warning : This post is going to be a very personal rage dump/rant.
There are heavy topics involved, including cancer and death. Also explicit language.
Out of consideration and respect to those of you who would prefer not to read it (since I completely understand why you wouldnāt want to), I will continue under the cut
Also pictures of my dogs, to break up the doom and gloom ^^"
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I absolutely despise, loathe, hate toxic people.
Especially when those toxic people are the āwolf in sheepās clothingā type.
Especially when those people donāt have the fucking balls to confront others directly and just choose to slink about behind the scenes like scummy little vermin.
Soā¦ my uncle Joe passed away a few days ago.
It was expected. He had been battling pancreatic cancer, which ended up spreading into his liver and lungs.
With that being said, even though he will be dearly missed, at least he no longer has to suffer.
I was close with my uncle.
In fact, itās no exaggeration to say that I was much closer to him than I was with my own father (my Dad was a permanent presence in my life up until the day he died, but we had an extremely tumultuous, dysfunctional, volatile, abusive relationship.)
We visited my uncle Joe regularly ever since I was a baby, all the way up until somewhat recently. He spent countless hours at our place throughout the years. He was super close with my parents, doing tons of outdoorsy activities with them. I spent a good amount of my childhood with his family. When his wife passed away, my parents helped him and supported him. He helped us move twice. My Mom took his kids places when she was just dating my Dad. When my Dad passed away, my uncle Joe was there for me without me even having to ask.
Literally everything was good between us, and always has been.
Itās also thanks to my uncle Joe that we gained a new furry member of our family last year, who we named Dandy š my uncleās dog had puppies, he asked how many we wanted, so we took one lol
(Iāll include a few poor quality pictures becauseā¦ well, I should probably break up this message with a little āpositivityā, right?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This was Dandy when he was still just a baby, 4 weeks and 3 days old.
Look at the cute little potato š„¹
We visited my uncle Joe every week to see him grow and develop, anxiously waiting until he was old enough to bring home.
And this was the day he finally joined our family ~
Look at how tiny he was compared to my one Black Lab (sorry for the terrible quality picture. Our carpets are old, but I swear they don't look that dingy ^^")
And here's Dandy today, one year and five months later ~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyway! Back to my rage-fueled rant :
My uncle Joe met someone about a year and a half ago, and she moved in with him pretty quickly.
Which certainly wasn't a bad thing. We were genuinely happy for him.
She seemed very nice, sweet, accepting, kind, receptive, and welcoming.
But for whatever reason, the dynamic changed the moment my uncle fell ill and the control landed in her hands.
Since my uncle Joe was sick, we all mutually decided that it would be best if communication was between my Mom/me and her (we would text her to check in to see how he was doing, as well as find out if/when it was a good time for us to visit)
This is where some inconsistencies started to appear.
For example :
She would tell us not to visit because my uncle was too sick (which was totally understandable!), but then would tell us a few days later how he was doing great and had fishing trips planned all week.
I 100% believed her at the time.
After all, everyone has both good and bad days.
But then when we would visit, my uncle Joe told us how he couldnāt fish anymore because the chemo was causing neuropathy in his hands, and he couldnāt hold his fishing pole or cast/reel the line in.
Though we just assumed he discovered those issues after she told us about those supposed fishing trips.
But the true eye-opener happened during our one visit. My uncle Joe welcomed us into his home, we talked, found out some updates about his health (which was declining), etc. He was open/transparent with us about everything.
When my uncle went to the bathroom during that visit, his girlfriend made the comment āI probably should have told you guys not to come here, since heās in a lot of pain today.ā
Knowing my uncle, I didnāt budge from my seat. I knew that if he wasnāt up for company, he wouldn't hesitate to tell us to leave.
And Iām glad we didnāt leaveā¦ because literally 10 minutes later, her granddaughter came waltzing in to visit her.
My uncle came out of the bathroom, sat on the sofa doubled over in pain as he was talking to me and my Mom (at this time, we asked him directly if we should leave, since we knew he was dealing with a lot and we didn't want to overstay our welcome. He told us not to leave, that we could stay because he felt like shit regardless).
But as he was sitting there, clearly in pain, his girlfriend and her granddaughter asked him to get up and carve a watermelon for them instead of doing it themselves.
What sense does that make?
'I should have told you guys to stay away, but Iām gonna make him strain himself and carve a watermelon for us even though heās already suffering and struggling enough'
ā¦. Okay. Fuck you too.
We obviously didnāt say anything. We just visited for a little while longer, then left with a friendly/cordial āgoodbye, nice to see you againā to her and her granddaughter, told my uncle that we would be thinking about him and see him again, and wished them a good day.
Two and a half months passed before we heard from them again.
Why? Because she refused to answer our numerous calls and texts.
She deliberately ignored us, which actively prevented us from having an opportunity to see my uncle.
And she knew damn well that we wouldnāt just show up at my uncleās house unannounced because we didnāt want to disturb him if he wasnāt feeling up for company.
We only got in contact with him again after he directly called our phone and left a message saying āhey, just checking in. I hope youāre both doing okay, since I havenāt heard from either of you in a while. Stop by when you canā.
So we went to his house.
When we explained the situation to my uncle Joe/passive aggressively confronted his girlfriend, her excuse was āoh, sorry. The reception here is bad so my phone was probably just acting up.ā
For two and a half months?
Even though she was literally using her phone in front of us, which appeared to be working perfectly fine?
Even though sheās always on her phone every time we see her?
Even though she could have reached out to us, yet chose not to? Not even once in two and a half months??
I call bullshit.
My Mom even told her that she was on the verge of sending a text that said āokay, cunt.ā since we thought she was ignoring us after not responding to our multiple texts/calls.
We all laughed it off as a joke, Joe's girlfriend even said āhahaha, I probably would have laughed if I got a text like that!ā ā¦ but it most certainly was not a joke.
(My Mom is extremely outspoken and normally doesnāt hold back, especially when it counts. Sheās the type of person you either love or hate, but sheās definitely one of a kind and the perfect example of a strong, independent woman who gives zero fucks lol)
Anyway, that visit went well. We behaved like usual, talked to both my uncle and his girlfriend normally, caught up on stuff, etc.
After that interaction, his girlfriend miraculously responded to every single call and text (bad reception, huh? Funny how she had zero service issues after we called her out in front of my uncle)
But basically every time we talked with her, she would say āitās not a good time to come by, heās really sick.ā
And we would always respond with things like āwe totally understandā, āthank you so much for letting us knowā, āwe wish there was something we could do to helpā, āweāre here for you if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to since we know this also isnāt easy for youā, āweāll check in next weekendā, āplease take care of yourselfā, āweāll be thinking about youā, etc.
Then finally, my uncle Joe told us to stop up again two weeks ago. So we did.
He was extremely sick and remained in bed, but we said hello and he told us that we are more than welcome there and we could just visit with his girlfriend. So we did. The visit remained cordial and friendly.
The next day, my uncle called and apologized for not getting up when we were there.
We immediately told him that he has absolutely no reason to be sorry, that we completely and wholeheartedly understand, that we would understand even if he told us to leave the moment we arrived, and that we were keeping him in our thoughts.
The week after that, his girlfriend said he was too sick for company (which again, we obviously understood and thanked her for letting us know, wished them the best, etc).
We didnāt visit my uncle Joe after that. He passed away before we had another opportunity to see him.
Now, hereās where my anger starts to come into play :
His girlfriend didnāt let us know when he passed away.
We found out from my other uncle, Mike, two days later. (My Dad had 3 brothers. His eldest brother is my uncle Joe who just passed away. His youngest brother is my uncle Mike who let us know what happened.)
So my Mom called her and offered her condolences, asked how she was doing, told her that weāre here for her, and asked about the arrangements. My Mom also told her that Mike was the one who let us know about Joe.
She made the comment āthereās going to be a small ceremony, but only for immediate family.ā
Which didnāt make sense to me or my Mom. We were both very close with my uncle Joe, we are family. So that comment seemed a bitā¦ off?
But we dismissed it and instead talked to my uncle Mike.
We asked him to please keep us updated, since we wanted to pay our respects to my uncle Joe and our family.
Wellā¦ I donāt know what the Hell that lady said to my cousin (Joeās son), but he told my uncle Mike not to tell us anything else.
That snake in the grass obviously ran back and told my cousin that we found out about Joeās passing from Mike.
But uhh... We deserved to know.
Now, we literally just found out this morning that the ceremony was held yesterday. We weren't invited (the day/time wasn't publicly announced).
We were excluded. We were denied the opportunity to say our final goodbye.
I blame his girlfriend. Completely and entirely.
I especially find it super interesting that she didnāt attend the ceremony eitherā¦ almost like she was afraid that we might possibly show up and confront her (which we would never do, purely out of respect for my uncle Joe)
When my uncle Mike told us, he apologized. But we told him that we donāt blame him, since we certainly didnāt want to put him in the middle of it.
It just pisses me the fuck off.
Bad enough she actively prevented us from seeing my uncle Joe, even on his āgoodā days. But then to keep us away from the ceremony too?
And she HAD to have fed my cousin a bunch of lies and bullshit to cause him to tell my uncle Mike not to inform us of anything. (Luckily for us, my uncle Mike loves to talk so he didnāt mind spilling the tea. He just felt guilty for not doing so sooner. But I understand why he waited, and I hold zero animosity towards him)
Itās especially confusing and upsetting since we always remained on good terms with all of my cousins.
We saw my cousins regularly, got along well with them, joked around with them.
Literally nothing that we did or didnāt do would warrant such a reaction from them.
If there was any fault on our end, I certainly wouldnāt be angry about this situation or waste my time typing this up. (I'm not the type of person who plays the victim, I admit when I'm wrong and own up to my faults/wrongdoings. That just isn't the case here.)
So itās seriously a mystery to meā¦ which is why I blame my uncle Joeās girlfriend.
Absolutely nothing changed in the decades of knowing my uncle and his kids. Literally the only recent change was her coming into the picture.
(I also want blame my cousin, since heās older than me and has a mind of his ownā¦ but I also know that heās grieving the loss of his father, so I feel like that bitch took advantage of the situation to say whatever she wanted about us while my cousin is vulnerable and not thinking clearly/properly).
Regardless of the finer detailsā¦. I am absolutely livid.
Itās like a giant āfuck youā to us, like we arenāt good enough, like our feelings donāt matter.
And that pisses me off beyond belief.
Iām debating whether or not I should confront her.
On one hand, I probably should just let it go and move on.
But on the other handā¦ I want to play dumb, call her, and be like āHow are you doing? Do you know when the ceremony is?ā just to see what she says.
And then tell her to go fuck herself.
Is that immature of me? Sure.
But Iām angry. Annoyed. Irritated. Fuming. My rage is boiling, my wrath is building. And I feel like exploding.
Needless to sayā¦ my Mom was right. That lady is a cunt. A toxic, festering, diabolical, oozing, gaping, pungent cunt.
If youāve read up to this point, I genuinely apologize for dumping all of this off here.
I just needed to vent a bit.
I also owe everyone who has tagged me a HUGE thank you. You have all given me a much needed distraction from everything, plus I genuinely love being tagged.
So I will absolutely start posting/replying to those a little later (I've already started on them and have them saved in my drafts, I just want to finish them all and post everything at once lol)
#I might delete this later#I find comfort in the idea that Satan would be proud of my wrath/anger right now lol#all joking aside....#I have so much to say to her yet she's not worth the time or energy#I'm over the two-faced high school bullshit#maybe she likes drama but I don't#just another reason for me to hate people#it might be sad to say but....#... Tumblr is the only place where I can count on interacting with genuinely nice people#I just feel bad for being so damn dismissive/absent lately#I promise I'll make it up to you all#and thank you for being so patient with me š#nerdy talks#nerdy vents#nerdy rages#?#I am angry#personal#rest in peace uncle joe š
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They are trying to convince me Jason was always reckless and angry and impulse and tbh that fact is worse than them killing him
#is he impulse and a bit reckless YES. he absolutely CAN be. but you have to understand. i am holdijg your hand. its all wrong right now#its when someone who doesn't like a character talks about them#and theyre sooo insistent that he ANGRY#but he is?? barely??#like ok. hi. hello. most anger was at the end. you cant just pull that#and it always tended to mirror batman's#like alot.#and it character development anger. pretty much all heros go through that#what im saying is that jason is not notably angry or angrier than anyone else. and it would've gotten better#he can be a bit reckless and impulsive though. but its not the Same as theyre doing it#do you get me#and he is perfectly willing to draw back or accept theres not much he can do to help a situation#hes a NEW hero. hes a KID. he had so much to learn#and he wants to help and if he feels like he can help he will. even if itll get him in trouble#he just found out his dad it dead like a week before The Batman told him to get in the car and put on the robin costume#and Man do i habe Thoughts on that (being adopted as robin first. which wow. that. wow.#he helped batman fight at the museum and then he gets called robin ans then adopted. how do you think that affects a child#it would be so easy to feel bats only cares about him as robin#not to mention how much pre-retcon (im not calling it crisis) stressed that the Only way to really be close to bruce is to be with him#as batman#and as established by everyrhing this kid is Desperate for a parental figure#hey does jay ever call batman dad or have b call him son. i genuinely cant remember all examples i can think of are before the retcon#its a bit hard to say how much of that story remained. kinda feels like none. i miss harvey bullock#RAMBLING hi i am talking to myself right now. back to the point at hand. yknow how it is when someone who doesn't like a character writes e#dc liveblog
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#Iāve been so fucking frustrated these past few weeks between insurance not covering my meds and having to jump through hoops to get my#injections and shit#but god ive been having crazy joint issues the past two weeks#yesterday I literally couldnāt get out of bed#I canāt sleep doing laundry is exhausting#Iām taking the max amount of ibuprofen my doctor prescribed and itās not doing anything#it just hurts all the time#the weather is finally nice and I canāt do anything but lay in bed with the lights off#I had an event I had been planning for for MONTHS for pride#and at one point I had to stop and lock myself in my friends car for a half hour#just to cry because my hips and knees hurt so badly#I couldnāt even enjoy the after party because I just wanted to get home and lay down#Iām so frustrated not being able to do anything#I just want to get some relief from this shit and my meds can take up to 12 weeks to work#they were prescribed eight weeks ago but insurance denied them#because apparently they always deny immune suppressants the first time around and then approve of them to save money#I wouldnāt be in pain right now If my insurance just approved my meds in May#I canāt fucking adjust to this I was a competitive dancer Iām twenty two I donāt understand any of this#the last time I was at the rheumatologists after getting my injections I held the door for an older woman who also had arthritis#and I was all shaken up over my appointment and she was so nice but was in a lot of pain and when I said#āI understand Iām sorryā she just looked at me so genuinely sad and said ābut you are so young?ā YEAH I am too young for this#Iām just so tired and so angry all the time and Iām sick of everything hurting when Iām trying to sleep#my best friend is traveling at
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should i quit my job
#classic post to make at 2:30 am#iām just. miserable#i worked so much overtime right before christmas (like starting at 9 ending at 1am kinda shit)#and it was like okay well that was a really terrible few weeks but at least itās over!#and then today i had to work till 9pm.#weāre just so understaffed. since i started here last sept weāve had 5 people rotate through my team and iām currently the only member lol#when i joined this team i was the third person!! i was 3 of 3 and now im by myself!!!#and it wasnāt so bad in the summer tbh but that was like 2 months out of the entire year lol#literally since last november itās been like things are busy but weāre working on getting some help so it will be better soon!#i just feel like i canāt keep up and im tired and im cranky and im angry and irrititable all the time#and it was taking like a genuine physical toll before xmas like went to bed feeling so shaky and awful#anyways iāve tired myself out here in the tags so im gonna try to sleep again but know that in my heart i had more to say#personal
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#okay i need to vent a second#im literally heartbroken rn#this friend of mine just told me that she feels that āour friendship is starting to revolve around meā bcs i asked her to help me once with#wheelchair practice and i was late to a meet up once and i am genuinely without words rn#like sheās been late multiple times and iāve always let it go bcs i donāt think itās that big of a deal but im late once and suddenly im an#awful friend#and yeah i need some more accommodations than most people but i feel like itās obvious why#and to say that it weighs on u is genuinely cruel to me#cause i always try to make myself smaller so i dont bother people and u know that very well so to call me a weight is the cruelest thing#and she said that she feels like our friendship now is just about me discovering the world and her just being there#an insane thing to say when she knows how hellish these past years have been for me and how now im finally able to go out#itās like am i not allowed to be happy?#i am so sad but also so angry#also the fact that she sent me this when she knows iāve just started uni and im so stressed and overwhelmed is just beyond me#like does she even like me? does she care about me? she claims she does and then does this like wth#and i dont wanna be a bad friend and maybe sheās right and i am but im trying my best here#and im always there for her when she needs me so i dont get why sheās trying to make it seem like im not#like idek how to answer her#this is really not what i needed rn
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ok mutuals be honest. should i ābreak upā w my counselor over these texts yes or no
#purrs#i donāt have the spoons to type much let alone reply to anybody ESPECIALLY not him bc this fucking pissed me off so bad i have been too#angry to reply. like what the fuck is this. im going through a hard time right now so why are you judging me for wanting us to talk about#that instead of me doing your stupid little homework assignment. i just feel so judged by him all the time and i canāt work up the courage#to tell him or end things. but i am actually dreading talking abt this new development / topic w him anyways bc the last time we talked abt#it he judged and pushed me so hard and i got SOOOOO angry but also maybe he was right and just saying thigns i didnāt want to hear and then#his supervisor got sick and he said he had this plan for us to do the erikson thing and weāve barely started it and i feel so bad bc i#genuinely think it could work but i just donāt mesh well with him. but itās like i should give it a try and stick it out bc thereās only a f#few months left and what if things get better. and also ihavent given him any indication of how unhappy ive been w him as my counselor and i#donāt want to spring it on him out of nowhere. but no weāve been working together since October and i donāt feel seen or supported by him at#all an di know i have to leave bc i deserve better but things are so bad rn and my brain has been broken all weekend and i just donāt have t#the strength and idk what to reply or if i should but i think everyone is probably gonna say i need to leave him and i think youād be right.#delete later#i truly do not have the mental capacity to rn but if u go thru my other purrs posts i talk abt some of the shit heās done that has just been#building and building and i know i need to do smth about it bc itās not okay. but im so scared.
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sick of making plans with a specific friend only for her to not reach out abt actually hanging out until the afternoon after iāve waited all day to hear back from her or for her to just cancel last minute entirely after iāve again waited all day to hear back from her
#like i genuinely fucking get that sometimes life is exhausting and youāre tired and sometimes you need to take care of urself before hanging#out with people but for it to be so fucking consistent is exhausting for ME#we donāt even fucking make plans that often itās literally maybe once a fucking month if that#like youāre telling me somehow whenever we have plans thatās when youāre SOOOOOO exhausted ?????? but you left the house 39203 other times#to do shit that takes up way more mental capacity than sitting bat your house smoking weed for a while and catching up?????#i just donāt fucking get it dude i really donāt#if i make plans with someone and the day of i donāt want to anymore i always tell them right fucking away so they donāt spend all day waitin#around and planning their entire day around it just to get fucked over#idk iām just frustrated and probably need to eat something and iāll be less angry#iām just like. upset bc i donāt understand why she only ever seems to cancel on me or only seems to be soooooo exhausted when itās the day#we planned to hang out like i just think itās unfair to me and i Have expressed this in general before so itās like ok cool#thanks for taking my own feelings and time into consideration ššš#like i literally love and adore my friends more than life itself and it just hurts and is shitty when someone doesnāt act the same even tho#theyāve said the opposite idk#i genuinely hope i donāt sound like a dick right now bc i truly really understand when ppl are mentally exhausted or deal with chronic issue#issues* bc fucking SAME HERE I ALSO DEAL WITH ALL RHAT so itās like idk i just donāt wanna sound like a dick i am just upset iām not feeling#like iām loved the same as i love people idk this always happens to me i feel like i just love too much and i over project and then when i#donāt get the same things in return i feel like people actually donāt like me or secretly are tryin to separate from me idk itās shitty i#hate it so bad i want a normal brain this shitnfucking sucks#my brain is going too hard now tho i need to stop before i spiral for real right here right now on tumblr dot com
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Boiling w rage right abt now
#not even 1 day!! 1 day until june!!!! and i see transphobic bullshit!!#i already had a headache but I'm genuinely so angry my headache is worse now#this fuckin- natly denise lady gets on my damn nerves and i am /sick/ of mom watching this shit#far right wing christian conservative nightmare who talks about the world like every person who isnt her is sacrificing children 2 satan#she made a video abt fucking target saying they sell satanic merchandise#but b4 that she has a whole ass 5 minutes of her exploding over the fact that target's /PRIDE COLLECTION/#swimwear in the womens department is tuck friendly for /trans women/ and making shitty jokes abt#the trans women that got sponsored by bud light#i have never wanted to commit an act of violence more than i do rn#maybe arson idk but my blood is boiling rn that of course this bitch immediately relates trans people 2 satan to make more#bs far right psychos afraid of us which will only lead to more harrassment and violence twoards us#this isnt some little yt channel either she has 75.4 THOUSAND people listening to her bullshit#im just- AGHHH#very angry#vent in tags#rant in the tags#elliot rambles
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stupid fucking broken body
#low health#i haven't had a single second of feeling no pain in my entire memory#i can't do a single thing without hurting#not even laying completely still in bed completely flat and straight#i can't even lay like a goddamn corpse without being in pain what kind of fucking bullshit body is this#i did a symptom assessment and the symptoms list was more than twice as long as my phone screen#and the text was fucking TINY too aha#there isn't a single part of my body that works like it's supposed to and that's not an exaggeration#so many people always assume it's hyperbole but it never ever is#everyone always assumes i hyperbolize and dramaticize and exaggerate and play it up for pity#or whatever other insidious shit they always assume I'm doing#to a point where I'm starting to HAVE to play it up now because nobody will fucking listen#and if the only thing that works is 'im literally fucking dying' then fuck me i guess#they treat me like a boy who cried wolf without ever even bothering to fucking check if i was right#and I'm surrounded by fucking wolves now but everyone's so busy ignoring what i say they can't even see the fucking wolves#i first started getting joint pain when i was FOURTEEN and i have gotten *how many treatments?*#ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ZERO.#i have NEVER received a single fucking DIAGNOSIS much less any FUCKING HELP#and it has been OVER SIX YEARS#and i have been telling my doctors over and over that i am rapidly deteriorating and won't be able to MOVE for much longer#and they WON'T EVEN SET ME UP WITH AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE SPECIALIST CLINIC.#i am so fucking angry and so fucking tired and I'm quite literally reaching my fucking breaking point#i haven't had this bad of a mental state since my ABUSIVE GASLIGHTING TRANSPHOBIC ABLEIST EX#and if THIS is making me revert back to THAT then IT'S FUCKING SEVERE AND I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN HELP YEARS AGO#i am fully and wholly being genuinely neglected and left to die#and the ONLY person who seems to genuinely give a shit about me is about just as restricted by circumstance and health#so we can barely even help each other even if we want to
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told my mom earlier that iāve been intentionally filling up my time socially because iām scared of having alone time bc the past few times iāve given myself alone time i end up constantly thinking about being single and my whole shitty break up and i get really sad and angry to the point where i donāt want to leave my couch to eat or piss and she was like āthat was a month ago now youāll be fine you need to restā and like objectively i know sheās right but also. i was also right.
#like genuinely iām happy with where my life is at in terms of my career/school is going well#and i have my friends back in town which has been lovely#but like. for a solid three months i did not think i would be single right now. and by god i do not miss my shitty ex#but small things will continue to remind me of him even though i donāt want to think about him#and i am also constantly white elephanting myself by being like āoh you havenāt thought about him today! nice!ā and then thinking about him#but even then when i say thinking about him itās more just being angry at what he did or missing being physically affectionate with someone#and that doesnāt have to be him#but oh my god do i miss being physically affectionate with someone. holy shit.#i did not understand the appeal of kissing before but by god do i now. and i have NO ONE to do it with#all of my best friends are in long term committed monogamous relationships. literally all of them#and iāve already disastrously fucked up the dating a friend of a friend thing so i doubt anyone will want to recommend anyone to me now#the two guys i had the idea of trying to flirt with are both entirely unavailable#so i quite literally have zero prospects and no idea of where to find new ones bc the day i get on a dating app is the day that hell freezes#and i just feel so fucking lonely dude šš#and i also feel very behind because all of my close friends are in committed relationships and iāve never experienced that#even tho i want to so badly#i just. idk#anyway vent over#mari is irrelevant
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Sorry for fundamentally misunderstanding a character and missing the point the creators keep trying desperately to throw at me. I was raised to not respect them past a character's major run you see
#BDNKSABAUAOUGHHHH#YEAS this is about Jason#i feel Bad about it because i hate and when people change their favorite characters to now have any flaws#and i Feel Like Im Doing Exactly That#but you have to understand#this is genuinely how im reading him i truly cannot connect his flaws to him at the extent theyre pushing them#Yes hes angry and impulsive and reckless but Not Like That#what do i mean by that? i dont know#maybe if they focused on more good things about him this wouldn't be a problem#someone please tell me if im understanding jason at all or if im just being annoying about him my memory isnt good enough to know#they (the comic writers whos job is to know him) simply dont know him like i do... /silly#*NOT have any flaws (in reference to several tags above. man i wish i could edit tags sometimes)#no. i am right about this ive decided. it was like whiplash seeing them talk about him in some of the first couple of post death comics#one day i should invest in a better memory im really easy to gaslight i think
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