#i am honestly far too tired and stupid to deal with this lmao

[glowingbadger]

Guys I basically hate everything I'm making right now, drawing, writing, etc. and it's all taking a million years to make just to be disappointed with the results SO I'm taking an indulgent and stupid break to spit out my thoughts about the FE3H lads' vices of choice (in terms of what they may imbibe to take the edge off). Also I'm tired and doing this super off-the-cuff, so if I forget someone or my takes are shit or w/e... i dunno, mea culpa I guess.

big ol' TW for drug & alcohol use so skip this one if you don't vibe with booze and/or smoking of various types (nothing too hard tho lmao no one's shooting up or anything on this post). As a disclaimer since this whole post might make me seem super pro-drugs lmao: I am into having your vices and letting them help get you through the day to a healthy and controlled extent.

Also, I guess this is sort of modern au?? FE3H's setting is wildly anachronistic, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have things like modern cigarettes, or edibles as we know them. Just. Roll with it ig.

Honestly this was inspired by a guy I used to hook up with before I met my husband who smoked and because of him I briefly developed a pavlovian response where I'd become aroused by the scent of cigarettes so shout-out to you, Dan- hope you're doing good somewhere you dumb, handsome bastard

Vices:

Linhardt- he's open to a lot, as a naturally curious type, but he's particularly fond of hookah. He finds the experience meditative and calming, and it's honestly best if someone keeps an eye out and makes sure he doesn't fall asleep with the coals still burning. But having a pipe in hand while reading on a quiet evening is just unmatched.

Hubert- obviously his canon vice is coffee, which he naturally takes black (at most, perhaps a splash of milk). That said, while he doesn't have an addictive streak, he will have a cigarette here and there when the stress is getting to him and he needs to stay focused. Other than that, he of course will partake in wine when it's expected of him at events, but he doesn't overly enjoy it.

Ferdinand- he enjoys wine both as a social experience, and as a true connoisseur; he's constantly scouting out which sellers have gotten ahold of something rare and exotic, and has no compunctions about paying a good deal of money for a valuable bottle. However, he dramatically overestimates his own alcohol tolerance.

Caspar- pretty much lives completely clean, unless food and over-exercise can be considered vices (which many would say they could). He tried Lin's hookah once and he coughed so much that he wrote off smoking across the board. Totally doesn't get things like "acquired tastes" when it comes to drinks, either- why bother with something you don't like right off the bat?

Dimitri- as a function of growing up at the height of society, he's of course expected to drink socially and know just enough about fine wines and liquors to serve appropriately high-quality drink to guests and dignitaries. However, he's a very dramatic and sad drunk, on the rare occasions he lets himself get that far. Frankly, he should probably just try weed.

Felix- he keeps his vices pretty under control, as lack of control makes him feel on-edge. Similar to Caspar, his 'vice' is more about drowning his anxieties in training and exercise. That said, he'll sometimes nurse a cigarette for a while, mostly to keep his mouth and hands busy- it's a fidgeting habit more than anything.

Sylvain- he's made a conscious effort to familiarize himself with and build a tolerance to just about anything that's consumed socially. Passing a joint, pouring a drink, taking shots, anything that adds to that socially-acceptable party vibes, he's ready to jump on-board. Left to his own preferences though, he likes a good whiskey, but like, the softer, smoother ones that go down easy.

Ashe- he doesn't look it, but having grown up in a rough situation and having to rub elbows with some unsavory types, he does have a respectable tolerance for most of your standard substances- though he's mostly only ever taken them to be "polite." But he knows his body and knows to keep alert.

Dedue- can appreciate coffee, but is potently aware of the disadvantages of caffeine addiction, so he keeps it moderate. He can also appreciate hookah, and similarly to Linhardt, finds it to be a soothing and calm activity that doesn't impair his judgement or cognition significantly.

Claude- pretty open minded overall, and is in support of indulging in moderate hedonism as long as it never puts you at a disadvantage. His preferred indulgence is weed, and in particular, he can really enjoy a well made edible. He's very picky about who he imbibes with, however- he doesn't trust just anyone while he may be in a slightly compromised state and more likely to say something he otherwise wouldn't.

Lorenz- he's as much a wine aficionado as any true noble would be, of course, and has memorized all the usual talking-points thereof. He considers it distasteful to become visibly inebriated, however. He also definitely owns a collection of elaborate and expensive tobacco pipes that have almost never been used.

Ignatz- he's fairly clean, and will nurse a single drink throughout an evening in social settings. He's heard that many famous artists have found inspiration in "broadening their minds," but he finds the loss of control intimidating. To be honest though, he also should probably try weed, this is a man with an anxiety disorder if I ever saw one.

Raphael- probably hasn't had many opportunities to get extremely experimental, but he does absolutely love a good beer or ale (or several beers or ales), preferably alongside a hearty meal or vast array of snacks. He considers it just part of enjoying a feast, a perfect accent to the food.

Jeralt- his love of booze is canon, of course, but he is generally open minded about such things and is willing to partake in whatever takes the edge off after a big job. He has decent tolerance, but has a habit of ignoring when he might be pushing a little too far, basically willfully ignoring his own limits.

Seteth- canonically, Nabateans have high alcohol tolerance (if Seteth's mention of it to Manuela is anything to go off of), so I imagine this extends to most foreign substances. That said, he does enjoy the earthy flavor of a well-worn tobacco pipe, and will sometimes unwind with it after a long work day.

Also on a personal note, modern au Seteth in a business suit smoking a cigarette makes horny brain go brrrrrrrrrr

Jeritza- he stays totally clean, as he deeply dislikes the sensation of losing control. He lives with the constant shadow of the thought that any lapse will trigger the Death Knight, and knows he can't risk such a thing outside of the battlefield.

[yafaemi-but-gone-fishing]

????????????????????????????????????????

[alirhi]

because...why the hell not? XD

"What would Bucky be like as a lover?"

I see this question posed every so often, and I always answer it with my own take on things, because it's fun to speculate. But I try to keep my answers brief and not overwhelm people with my ramblings, and honestly? I don't like brief. In case you haven't noticed lmao. I like to explain my thoughts, break them down, really dig in. So that's what I'm going to do.

So, buckle up, folks. It's time for my full, unabridged view of Bucky Barnes as a lover through different points in his life (MCU only. reminder for those who don't know me: I don't read comics)

Let's start with this cutie-pie:

Pre-war Bucky seemed so precious and innocent compared to even later in the same movie. He likely didn't have an easy life even before the draft, growing up through the Great Depression and all that. But still, he's young, attractive, and extremely charismatic, with a smile that can light up the whole damn Stark Expo. He definitely never wanted for female company, and in the brief interaction with his date that we're shown, it's clear to see why: Bucky's fun. He's optimistic and sweet, and pays attention to the people he's out with, even when he's geeking out at a science fair.

But did he screw around? Honestly? I don't think so. Not before the War. (And yes, I am aware that the War is very much happening as all this is going on. Duh. Uniform. XD I mean before he shipped out and spent months trying not to get blown up in a foreign country.) Bucky's a good boy with strong early 20th century values and he respects women (which kind of contradicts most early 20th century male values, but our baby is nothing if not unique lol). Premarital sex was kind of a big deal back then, and I don't think young Bucky Barnes would have risked "dishonoring" his date like that. He'd want to nail the pretty girl, sure lol but he'd control himself. There might have been one or two girls here and there who were like "nah idgaf you're hot let's do this" lol. I don't think our boy was a virgin going off to war, I just think he had a lot more companionship than sex. Also, let's not forget that in my mind, Bucky is bi. It'd be more difficult for him to be with a man back then without suffering greatly for it, but I definitely think he managed at least once.

As far as what he was like when he did have sex? I'm thinking goofy, lots of tickling and teasing. Sex would be his escape from the pressures and stress of his daily life, and he'd enjoy it to the max. Total giggly goofball. ❤ He'd be attentive (you'll find that's a common theme in my take on Bucky in general) and would make absolutely sure his partner was having at least as much fun as he was. And that's the key word: FUN. It would be this exciting secret (protect a girl's reputation or his own and his partner's if it's with a man) with lots of whispering between the sheets and shushing each other when one got too loud, even if they're in a place that's totally safe from prying eyes/ears. After all, the secrecy is half the fun!

Next we have this point in our boy's life:

Now, him? Marching around Europe and getting shot at? Tired, scared, homesick? This man got around. He thought he knew stress before, dealing with the Depression and homophobia and his stupid reckless friend constantly getting himself beat up? Oh, no. Soldier Bucky would like to reach back through time and punch Pre-war Bucky in his stupid adorable perfect face. He understood what he was walking into when he got drafted... or so he thought. He knew he'd be in danger, at least. Especially as a Jewish man being sent to fight Nazis in the middle of the Holocaust. (yes, I like and agree with this fanon) But this? This is beyond his worst nightmares. His one goddamn light in all this darkness is the towns full of lonely, frightened women his troops march through. There might even have been a few precious, stolen moments with that one guy in his unit. You know, the shy, coy glances when no one's looking, feeling things out, dancing delicately around the subject in rare calm moments, hoping, each trying not to out himself in case he's wrong about the other... And then a drunken, frantic night in a dark corner where no one can see when they just can't take it anymore.

But honestly, my weird little wartime romance fantasy aside, I don't think they'd have gotten enough down time for that to be realistic. (TBF I know very little about WWII. it's my brother's passion but that's only part of why I have spent my whole fkn life avoiding the subject as much as possible. so anyway, maybe they did have the time/opportunity. idfk) So it'd mostly be the women. Left alone with their men marched off to war - or worse, to camps, and fuck, Bucky feels for those poor bastards! - they're as lonely and frightened and on edge as he is. There's no telling if he'll live to make an honest woman of anyone, or live to see the next goddamn day, for that matter. Family values seem a little hollow and pointless when the world's coming apart at the seams.

Shell-shocked Sergeant Bucky is frantic, not impatient but there's definitely a sense of urgency in every move he makes. Sometimes he can't stop himself from shaking. He and this woman he's just met are desperately seeking solace in each other's arms, not romance or meaning, and it shows. Few words are exchanged - hell, he doesn't even speak her language and isn't sure she speaks his! Gone is the silliness and lighthearted fun he's used to. In its place is rough touches, grasping fingers, both of them clinging to the other for dear life for just a few hours or even just a few minutes. Whatever they can carve out for themselves in this endless parade of untold horrors. He just needs to not feel so goddamn alone for a little while.

What's funny is I'm still not even done with TFA-Bucky. He went through so much trauma and so many changes in such a short time (and even shorter screen time). Mad props to Sebastian for how flawlessly he portrayed all of these moments in Bucky's life, too!

Ah, the Howlie. Busy keeping his dumb, reckless friend from getting his head blown off, this Bucky hasn't even had a moment to breathe and process his own trauma as a combat vet and POW, and the hits just keep on coming. Gods, do you guys ever just stop and think about the fact that this all happened - Bucky was drafted, sent off to war, captured, tortured, experimented on, rescued, went back into the fray, and "died" - all in the span of two. fucking. years? By the time he falls off the train and out of the movie, Bucky's still not even 30 yet!

Howlie Bucky is angry. We see as much in every shot of his beautiful face. The fear and loneliness of his days in the trenches have been burned up, consumed by anger and a sort of bitter resignation. He's not going home. Not as long as Steve's out there playing the hero, and not as long as HYDRA, and specifically Zola, are still out there wreaking havoc. He's probably never going to see his little sister again. But he'll be damned if he's going down without a fight. Though... speaking of going down... (lol had to. sorrynotsorry)

Sex with this man would be so hot. This is where all those "choke me, Bucky" fics become pretty realistic. (I know, I know. y'all want the metal hand around your throat. well just wait a few years, kay? we'll get there) This Bucky would definitely hold a woman down by her neck, not hurting her, just exerting just a little pressure... Just enough to show who's in control. Because he had control taken from him. He was imprisoned and tortured. It's natural for him to try to take that back any way he can. He would absolutely never force anyone, ever, but once someone agrees? He's in charge, and he'll never let them forget it.

This Bucky wouldn't merely tease, he'd torment. He'd take his time, bring his partner to the edge, watch for every tiny reaction... And then when he's got them fighting tears of frustration, begging for release, then he'd fuck them into the mattress. Or wall, or ground. Wherever the hell they are at the time lol.

I'm sorry, but I won't be getting into his time under HYDRA control. This is a post about what Bucky's like as a lover, not how the Winter Soldier handled being raped.

Here's a pretty picture:

Because TWS is hot af and I know I'm not the only one who fucking loves looking at him, especially mid-Murder Strut. unf.

NOW! Moving on!

This moment. Oh my Loki this moment. This is the exact second that I fell in love with Bucky Barnes. Also when I fell in love with Romanian (side note: day 156 on Duolingo! and I learned more from this scene than I have in all that time XD still keep getting "cheese" and "lunch" mixed up!) Lol anyway...

In my headcanon, post-WS Bucky is actually very sex-averse after the shit he's suffered at their hands, but for the purposes of this particular tangent, I'm going to pretend that's not how I see him lol.

Bucky's on the run. He's keeping his head down, trying to live a quiet life free from his captors and anyone else who would find him "useful" or try to prosecute him for what HYDRA forced him to do, while also trying to remember who he is and process seventy years of horrific trauma. He's afraid, but not like Soldier Bucky was afraid. He's not so much afraid of what might happen to him. Romania Bucky is afraid of himself, and what damage he could do if triggered. Restraint is basically this man's middle name at this point.

Hiding or not, this man definitely got some. Not only is he insanely fucking beautiful, but has there ever been a time in his life where he needed the endorphins and sweet stress relief that come with sex more than right then? He couldn't have had an honest, committed relationship, not with his baggage and fears, but I can easily see him getting attention from some pretty girl, getting flustered when she flirts with him, and shyly agreeing to her proposition.

He'd be so soft, you guys. ❤ Shy, unsure, letting his partner lead. All sweet, gentle touches and soft kisses and exploring... Sure, he'd be more or less limited to one night stands, but they'd never feel cheap or rushed. I can just see him, kissing his way up her leg, always stroking with his right hand, never the left; afraid to touch her, to taint her, with the cold metal; so he'd use his left to brace himself up, to keep it from touching this sweet, innocent person who doesn't deserve to be dragged into his crazy, tumultuous world. And he'd drive her wild with his right hand, and his mouth. (I say "her" only because I'm too tired to research attitudes toward homosexuality in Bucharest in 2016 to see how realistic or not it would be for a dude to openly hit on another dude there lol)

There would be this undercurrent, I think, of "I'm scared I'm lonely I'm alone and damaged and changed and I just want to feel human again." Bucky doesn't recognize himself, doesn't know who he is - barely knows who he was - or where he stands. He'd be so vulnerable, poor babe. I know CW gave us "beefy Bucky" but honestly, emotionally he just seems so small to me in that movie. A sad, frightened, feral kitten.

Okay. Gods. I could talk about CW Bucky all damn day but let's save that for another time, shall we? 😂

Moving on!

"I had a little...calm... in Wakanda." I feel like Wakanda was the first time Bucky felt what home meant since he left Brooklyn. These people accepted, even embraced him, and they helped him to heal from all the horrific things he'd seen and experienced. He still has a long way to go (naturally. he suffered horrifically for decades. Two years, even in paradise, aren't enough to work through all that) but he's made so much progress thanks to T'challa, Shuri, and Ayo ❤

Here is where he's been able to stop and take a breath for the first time since 1943. I'd like to think he was able to have a relationship here. Not right away, and nothing too deep/consuming, but definitely something more than the one-nighters he'd been having pretty much his entire adult life.

Bucky had/has a lot of work to do on himself. He needs therapy, with a trauma specialist, not a court-appointed triggering hack (we're not there yet, but rawr). But he made a lot of strides in Wakanda. Like CW, I could go off for hours talking about this part of his story and how much I love what little of it we were shown and wish we could see more, but time to focus!

Like I said, I like to think Wakanda Bucky had a gf/bf. I would like it to have been Ayo, but someone told me a while back that she has a gf in the comics and while I don't generally gaf about comics or their canon, I'm not about the erasure of what little LGBTQ+ representation is out there right now. But whoever it was, I know Bucky would have treated them right.

He'd be similar to Romania Bucky in that he'd be sweet and attentive. Maybe a little shy at first, but that's not the reason he's so gentle in the bedroom. He's not as afraid anymore, not here where it's quiet and safe. For the first time in years, he can finally let go and just enjoy the company and the touch of another person. The metal arm he hated is gone, and he's a little clumsy at first with only one arm to work with and his weight balance thrown off again, but he and his partner work it out together, and being free of that awful thing HYDRA slapped on him is such a sweet relief.

Wakanda Bucky would be laid back, soft-spoken but not nervous or unsure. He'd be a great listener, and after work on his little farm was done for the day, he'd stay up a little ways into the night, talking in hushed tones between soft kisses and lingering touches, about the future, family and kids. He can finally see hope for the first time in so long, can see recovery ahead of him, and peace, and he wants to share that with his s/o. Too bad IW/EG had to fucking ruin that for him. ugh. anyway...

...You know what? I'm gonna have to just leave it here, guys. The levels of rage I keep reaching trying to write about the show are exhausting me. For the sake of my sanity and the purposes of this post, Bucky's still safe and happy in Wakanda, working on himself, maintaining his little goat farm, and falling asleep every night in the arms of the loving partner he deserves. The end.

[maliciouslycreative]

How I played damage control to an anti in a small anime fandom and may have led to her ultimate downfall

I know I had a really nice write up of this at one point but oh well. I’ll spill more of the tea in this one because honestly the tea was so hot.

There are a few things that I have to give context to first. Gaia online was like THE mega forum of the 2000s, you made a little avatar and through posting and doing other activities on the forum you made money to buy clothes for your avatar. There were forums for everything but the fannish portions were really what drew in most of the people. The anime I was into was Beyblade. It was a shonen anime about fighting with tops that were possessed by the spirits of magical creatures. The story was honestly pretty average but the characters were fantastic and the fandom is to this day still one of my favourites. The series had a primarily male cast and didn’t even have a female lead until the second season. This led to the fanfic for the English fandom being about 70% canon/OC, 10 % canon m/f, and 20% slash. The most popular character in the English fandom was by far Kai Hiwatari, the loner badboy of the team.

Also before we get started I would like to add that one of my best friends was neck deep in this and the two of us were more or less fandom married. This is the same friend that I fake dated, had feelings for, and she nearly got me into kpop in 2011 so like if you haven’t read that story please read it too because it will give you a good idea of how stupid I am and how much of a fanfic I have truly lived. 

To set the stage I was 16, soon to be 17 when I joined the fandom and it was 2004. In September of that year I wrote a humour longfic that became an absolute smash hit and I found myself somehow fandom famous. It was around this time that I joined Gaia online. I made my little avatar and immediately went looking for the beyblade thread so that I could make new friends. I found the main thread, made my little introduction and at the end of it mentioned that I was a slash writer but I supported all ships. This is where I met C. She had declared herself the authority on Beyblade in these parts and I had just committed the crime of mentioning slash which was very obviously not canon and we did not discuss in this thread because we only discussed canon things. I was like well that’s a bit severe but like sure whatever I just want to hang out and have fun. 

Oh boy did I have no idea what I was in for. 

C was a year older than me and unfortunately that made her older than the majority of the fans at the time. Her favourite character was Kai, and she was not shy about talking about this fact. She stanned Kai above all other characters, and often at their expense. She was also a fanfic writer of a popular canon/OC series. Actually, she was so full of herself that she didn’t even call herself a fanfic writer, no her stories were in fact novels and were apparently very good. I never read them. But more on that later. 

Eventually the slash fans got tired of her being rude to us in the general thread so we made a Beyblade slash thread. There was a core of like 8 or so of us and we honestly had sooo much fun. When C would be too unbearable in the main thread the people from there used to come over to our thread and we’d chat with them about non slash stuff because we were honestly all multishippers and just wanted to have fun. We’d get comments like “wow, I’ve had more pleasant canon het ship discussions in the slash thread than the regular thread”. We never worried about C coming over and getting upset about comments like this because she refused to be associated with anything related with slash lmao. 

I tried my best to keep the peace between C, myself, and the rest of the fandom because ultimately I hate being in fandom drama. I just want everyone to have a good time. I’m a people pleaser. Unfortunately my newfound fame put me in the awkward position of being the most fandom popular person in our small community aside from C. Virtually every fan that read fanfics that came into our thread knew one of us or the other by reputation and C HATED this. Especially because people would come in to the thread, recognise me and go “oh my goodness I love your fanfics!” and I’d be super sweet with them and it’d lead into “I can’t believe how nice you are, I love you” which would lead to us crying at each other. This was not the kind of fan interaction that C got, no her fans were more kind that were there to praise her and worship her like a deity that had blessed them with some gift. Rarely did they tell her how kind she was. 

Back in the mid 2000s there were really commonly those commercials (usually by Christian organisations) asking people to sponsor say children in Africa or to help build schools or provide drinking water. You all probably know the ones; know the language that they used in those commercials. My fandom wife, who I suppose I shall call wifey because yes we were THAT couple back then, once said that C described her fics like those people described donating money to save the lives of Children in Africa. So we used to joke that her fics were so good they’d save lives in Africa. Looking back at it all, she almost had a very fundamentalist Christian approach to bringing people into her fanfics. She of course tried to get all the slash people into reading it. None of us read canon/oc fic mostly due to our poor treatment at the hands of their fans and creators. Getting fed up I one day told her that if she would read any one of my fanfics that I would read the entirety of her novels. Yes, I was willing to commit to read a couple 100k of canon/oc fanfic that I’d never touch normally if she would even read one of my 1k 1 shots. Heck, I had a fic even that shipped 2 minor characters so she didn’t even have to sully herself reading about one of the main characters. It was honestly a good deal in her favour. I kept this up until the day we all left the fandom. Sometimes I do wonder if her fics were even ¼ as good as she claimed, but I will never know because she refused to read my fics. 

She wasn’t all bad and a tyrant all the time. As long as people kept the conversations on track and didn’t come in to the thread saying things like “KAI IS SO HOT ND T3H BEST N I AM GUN 2 MARRY HIM” she stayed mostly civil. It was always hilarious watching InuYahsa or Naruto fans try to come in and bad mouth Beyblade because they’d unleash the dragon and C was great at chasing off undesirables in the thread. 

The real apex of goings on though on Gaia was the guild drama. So guilds were like exclusive themed mini forums within Gaia. Anyone could buy one and run it however they want, as long as it still adhered to Gaia’s ToS. C of course was the owner of the only Beyblade guild. The fandom wasn’t really big enough to support 2 guilds so we just kind of let it go. Technically she allowed people to post slash fanfics but like everything had to be explicitly tagged and there was absolutely no slash RP. Wifey and I controlled a handful of minor characters together in the forum RP and definitely used to try to push the boundaries a little bit. Some ambiguous flirting here, a stray comment there. It was such a fragile balance though because C was heavy on the ban button. The active portion of the guild was just people that were in the cult of C and worshipped her writing. 

Understandably the other slash fans and myself were getting disheartened by this. So we pooled our funds together and decided that we’d open a second guild that though it was run by slash fans we would welcome anyone into our ranks. We just wanted to have a fun place for everyone to hang out, and to hopefully run a few events out of. In hindsight, we should have seen what would happen. When we opened the guild, with me as the guild leader, it was like somebody blew up the whole dam protecting the delicate ecosystem we had cultivated. Every single person in the Gaia fandom that was not a zealous follower of C applied to be in our guild and left her guild. We of course figured that we’d attract some of the gen population but we did not expect to accidentally poach all of it. All of the moderators were getting messages from people thanking us for giving them a place where they could say whatever they wanted without fear of getting their faces ripped off or banned. 

C lost her shit. She was so mad that we went behind her back to ruin her guild. We literally had to show her posts in the very public slash thread that we had been planning this in public and that it was not to ruin her life. We just wanted a place where we could freely post slash. The two of us had some spicy comments back and forth and then she dropped an absolute bombshell on me. Since Gaia’s mail system is terrible I unfortunately no longer have exactly what she said but it was something along the lines of “Ok, you win. I’m going to close my guild.”. Us slash fans had never been doing this to win anything. We had never been competing. We just wanted a safe space to be ourselves. 

C never joined our guild. The fandom slowly faded out within the next year anyway. We weren’t getting new content so naturally people just drifted into other fandoms. C kept up with the main Beyblade thread for a lot longer than most of us but eventually that eventually faded into obscurity too. 

I learned a lot about fandom bullies from those days. But honestly the thing that stuck with me the most out of everything was that if you provide a positive safe space for people they will flock to it. It may seem like there are so many hostile people out there, but there really aren't. They're the minority but they just make sure that their voice is the loudest. The best way is to ignore them and just do your own thing. The bullies just want attention and if you don’t give it to them and prove to them that their opinion doesn’t matter to you then they’ll move in and find something else to yell at. 

[faithinthefuture28]

Larry songs timeline & what it tells us about the evolution of their relationship

**These are all just my interpretations but the more I listen to the music they wrote, the more it all fits together. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THROUGHOUT THE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WRITING “AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY” AND “FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE”

I deffo missed some songs but these stood out to me:

2013

L-Strong: Love isn’t easy (waves trying to break it) but what we have means something and it’s worth fighting for. read: love is only for the brave (Think of how much love that’s been wasted...there’s nothing i’m running from...i don’t care, I’m not scared of love) And we bring out the best in each other so lets not throw this away (i’d do anything to save it...when i’m not with you i’m weaker). 

H-Happily: I want to fight for us too bc we’re on fire and our love is powerful af. ik we have to do stunts and stuff (and if (s)he feels my traces in your hair, sorry love but I don’t really care) but what we have is insane and fuck everyone else bc you’re MINE and i’m YOURS at the end of the day (i wanna be the one who holds you when you sleep). Together, we’re magic so just be with me so happily

H-Something Great: ****this song is very straightforward so i won’t explain it much***** (i want you here with me like how i pictured it so i dont have to keep imagining... We’re better off together here tonight). Written as a longing for what could be if they dont have to suppress the relationship. (script was written...want to rip it all to shreds) Louis’ response (you’re all I want so much it’s hurting) basically says “it’s not too much to ask babe, i want it too.” This has the kind of longing that ‘wouldn’t it be nice- beach boys’ which Harry has admitted is kind of a theme song. 

L-Through the Dark: I know all this bs we’re going through is taking a toll on you and hurts you and i hate seeing you upset (you tell me that your sad...you tell me that you’re hurt and youre in pain and i can see your head is held in shame...i just wanna see you smile again) but I will do everything physically possible to protect you from any pain bb (i’d never let you fall and break your heart, if u wanna cry or fall apart, i’ll be there to hold ya). We’re going through this together and I will take on any responsibility needed to keep you happy.  I’M WILLING TO GO THROUGH HELL TO FIGHT FOR US HARRY LOVE (entire chorus basically).

L-Better than Words: holy fuck our love is amazing can’t even describe it can i just sing to you foreva love u babycakes

L-Why don’t we go there: what if...we just forgot about the world and escaped and enjoyed each others love and rode the high??? Also sex

2014

L-Ready to Run: *******Followup to Why Don’t We Go There*********** But this time let’s escape for real bc (there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time). Like i’m ready to get out of here and it could just be us living happily ever after (this time i’m ready to run). Honestly nothing else makes sense (without you i’ll never make it out alive...wherever you are is the place i belong). I know what i want out of life and IT’S YOU HARREH (i want to be free and i wanna be yours, i will never look back). 

L-Steal My Girl: all u thirsty hoes find someone else bc Harry is MY pretty princess. Srsly ask his family. But you can still admire how he looks in those jeans. We all do. You know the ones

L-No Control: boy u fine, let’s do what lovers do IN THE MORNING. bc we can. also you own me and i am urs

L-Clouds: WE KNEW THIS WAS GONNA BE HARD SO WHY ARE YOU BEING A LITTLE BITCH (you dont like it complicated...but love is never ever simple...you are tired of all the changes, but love is always always changing). We could be great yo, just keep fighting (if we’re never coming back down, we’ll looking down on the clouds...we go and we go and we dont stop)

H-Where do Broken Hearts Go: IM SORRY LOU BABY YOURE EVERYTHING (rest of my crimes dont come close the look on your face when i let you go... the taste of your lips...is at the top of the list of things i want). H&L’s call and  response at the end is basically forgiveness and acknowledgment (come on baby come and get me out, come on baby cuz i need you now)

H-Two Ghosts: *****was written around this time according to Harry******. This is fucking hard yo. We’re drained and exhausted and idk how much more we can fight for this... (it’s not you and it’s not me...sounds like something that i used to feel). That infatuation and electricity and hope that fueled our younger selves isn’t really there anymore and i’m just tired man (we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, we’re not who we used to be...this was all we used to need). We’re empty vessels going through the motions (same eyes blue, couple more tattoos). AND WE AREN’T FUCKING COMMUNICATING (we dont say what we really mean). 

2015

H&L-Perfect: so what if... we get rid of the pressure of forever? What if we just have fun doing the stupid shit we love and makes us feel alive (trouble up in hotel rooms, secret little rendezvous, things you know that we shouldn’t do). Like we won’t be out of each others’ lives, I’m still around and we can find comfort in each other and even mess around here and there (I can be the one you love from time to time). Remember how we used to be young and EXCITED (when i first saw you from across the room, i could tell that you were curious) let’s get that energy back without the responsiblity of an adult relationship. And we can keep making art lmao (if youre looking for someone to write your breakup songs about). 

L-Long Way Down *****this song fkn hurts man. It’s overlooked a lot but shows so much insight**** We were...everything. And maybe that’s the problem? We’ve been through so fucking much, more than anyone our age should have to endure. (We've been in fire, Went down in the flames. We sailed the ocean And drowned in the waves. Built a cathedral But we never prayed) We didn’t know what we had. We were damn kids man. We weren’t prepared for all this. We didn’t know how powerful this would be. We didn’t know what it required of us. (We had a mountain But took it for granted. We had it all yeah. Who could’ve planned it). We didn’t know what to do with it, how to deal with it, so here we are. (We had a spaceship But we couldn't land it) We’re each other’s everything, but we can’t keep going on like this babe. (We found an island But we got stranded). I don’t want to leave you but being together is breaking us down. (Point of no return and now It's just too late to turn around) We thought we were untouchable. That love conquers all. Maybe, we were wrong. This is gonna hurt like a bitch (We built it up so high and now I'm fallin', it’s a long way down)

H-Olivia: I LIVE FOR YOU, I LONG FOR YOU, I LOVE YA. And i think i’ll always love ya. And I’m scared...of life without you (i get the feeling you’re walking out, time is irrelevant when i’ve not been seeing you, the consequences are falling now, there’s something i’m having nightmares about...dont let me go). But maybe just maybe thats okay, because you’re AIMH (you live in my imagination...i love you, it’s all i do). 

L-Love you Goodbye: I fucking love you and I’ll always fucking love you but i think this is the right thing to do even though it feels so wrong (i know there’s nothing i can do to change it, but is there something that can be negotiated?) We made some goddamn fireworks together though (unforgettable together held the whole world in our hands) and do ya maybe think...we can make them just once more? (if tomorrow you wont be mine, let me give it to you one last time, baby let me love you goodbye...one more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we’ve been and the nights we’ve had because if this is it, then at least we could end it riiiiight). ********in the interview with our FAVE Gwen Garcia, she asked if it’s better to say goodbye and end a relationship that’s not feeling right or keep trying even if your heart’s not in it. Harry responds with “I think it’s better to say goodbye...but sometimes if youre trying to protect..” Then Louis cuts him off and says “you’re going deep aren’t you”, brushing the question off as a joke but imho i think there was pain in that answer. Then Harry continues “if you’re not 100% in it, I think it’s better for both parties if you say goodbye”. And Louis adds a “yeah” at the end.********

H-Walking in the Wind: I know this is scary but i think we can do it, (you said to me do you believe i’ll be too far? if youre lost just look for me you’ll find me) I think because youre AIMH and i’m always in yours, it’ll be good for us. And look at us being mature, we’re killing it babe. We can live our separate lives and grow on our own. We dont need to make it messy and hurtful. We’re on the same page. (the fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we’ve already won. A necessity for apologies between you and me, baby there is none). At this point, we’re kinda part of each other right? So it’s healthy for us to be apart for a bit. (it’s not the end, i’ll see your face again... i know we’ll be alright...just close your eyes and see i’ll be by your side any time you need me). And you’ve helped me grow into the person I am, and I you, so that’s cool as hell, right? (you will find me in places that we’ve never been). We had a TON of fun (we had some good times didnt we) so i feel okay that we’re doing this (goodbyes are bittersweet) and starting the next adventure in our lives. 

H-If I could fly: I. am. yours. Louis. William. Tomlinson. (for your eyes only, i’ll show you my heart). Maybe this growth thing isn’t worth it, let me prove to you how much you mean to me (i think i might give up everything just ask me to). This is gonna be hard as shit because i’m so dependent on you (i’m missing half of me when we’re apart). I’m being honest and I’m being scared and I’m being vulnerable because I can’t lie to you and pretend I’m strong (i let my guard down, right now i’m completely defenseless). But we’re part of each other, right? (i could feel your heart inside of mine). I’ll always be here for you Lou (for when you’re lonely and forget who you are) even if for now we can’t physically be together. 

L-Home: I’ve tried, Harry. I’ve tried to play pretend (told myself i kind of like her but there was something missin in her eyes). But i was lost (i was stumblin, lookin in the dark with an empty heart) because none of it was enough, none of it was YOU (it was there i sawr it in your eyes). And then i met you and you felt the same and we’re both lost souls playing pretend who found magic in each other (but you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough?) Is our love enough to overcome everything? Maybe we can be enough. Maybe I can make this enough, let me try to make it enough for you. And if we go our separate ways, know that I’m here for you no matter what. I won’t let you be lost again. (When you’re lost I’ll find a way and I’ll be your light, you will never feel like you’re alone, I’ll make this feel like home). So go. wander. find yourself. Then when you’re ready, come home. 

 2016-2017

H- Sweet Creature: ***Harry admit that this was the first song he wrote for the album**** We aren’t in the best place rn. We’ve been fighting (had another talk about where it’s going wrong...it’s hard when we argue, we’re both stubborn). But it’s you Louis. It can’t be anyone else. (don’t know where we’re going but we know where we belong... wherever I go, you bring me home). That’s not even a question. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, but the one thing I know is that a large part of who I am is you (we started 2 hearts in one home). And aint no way I’m losing that part of myself (when i run out of road, you bring me home). It was always you. 

H-MMITH: Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready (just let me know i’ll be at the door,  hoping you’ll come around). I know I need to work on myself a little more (i gotta get better, and maybe we’ll work it out) but honestly i’m getting impatient and i want things to go back to how they were and i want to be yours again (once you go without it, nothing else would do). But I can’t communicate this to you clearly so let me just put this in a song and hope you get it (we dont talk about it, it’s something we dont do) ****Harry mentioned in an interview that he expresses himself through songwriting when he can’t say the words directly to a person because it’s easier to just write it in a song than have difficult conversations*****

H-ESNY: ****honestly no idea what this song is about but it’s something to do with them fighting and not communicating and being in a weird place before their relationship is rekindled******* edit: this could be about his stepdad

H-FTDT: I MISS YOU AND I’M TOO FULL OF PRIDE TO TELL YOU DIRECTLY JUST COME BACK INTO LIFE LOU I’M LONELY AND SAD AND EMPTY AND IM NOT FUCKING FINDING MYSELF LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD (woke up alone, played with myself where were you...we havent spoke since you went away, why wont you ever say what you wanna say) So until then I sit and wait for your sorry ass to make the first move (maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too...but you never do). Also like i have to hear from other people how you are?? (i saw your friend that you know from work, he said that you feel just fine) ANd you’re sharing OUR clothes with people?? wtf just swallow your pride and call me 

L-Miss You: OKAY BUT I CANT JUST CALL YOU BECAUSE I HAVE PRIDE TOO also my mates are trying to make me get over you (now i’m asking my friends how to say I’m sorry, they say lad give it ttime there’s no need to worry, and we can’t even be on the phone now). So i’m just numbing your absence with partying and drinks but CLEARLY ITS NOT WORKING (should be laughing but there’s something wrong...shit maybe i miss you...when i feel it coming up i just throw it all away, get another few shots cuz it doesn’t matter anyway...such a good time, i’ll believe it this time). This is weird bc like you were my everything but im trying to get used to this and it fucking sux (oh how shit changes, we were in love, now we’re strangers). And tbh, its scary af bc what if this is it (i’m asking myself, is it over?). BUT ALSO LIKE WTF U COULD REACH OUT FIRST YA KNOW (i’ve been checking my phone all evening).

H-Anna: wtf Louis how do you not see how much this is killing me. I miss you so much and seeing you on tv or in pics drives me wild bc you’re not mine. (I don’t want your sympathy but you don’t know what you do to me...everytime I see your face there’s only so much I can take...I guess it would be nice if I can touch your body). And idk if you’re replacing me (don’t know where you’re laying, just know it’s not with me) and we’re in SUCH a weird place rn how do I tell u you’re the loml (don’t know what I’d say if I passed you on the street...don’t know what I’d tell you if you asked me for the truth) so I refuse to put this song on the album and let you know this and give you satisfaction from knowing how gone I still am for you bc I have 0 idea how you feel (hope you never see this and know that it’s for you)

L-Always You: SO THIS IS ME SWALLOWING MY PRIDE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU SAYING IM SORRY FOR THAT NIGHT... ok but fr i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u and nothing else compares like i can travel the whole world and all i think about is how much more fun it was with you and the memories we shared and i wish i could just say thx fr th mmrs and move on but actually no thx actually fuck you for making me not able to enjoy my life without you. So like...come home? and wrap your legs around me? also lmao i took El to a gay bar in amsterdam for her bday lmao i miss u come cuddle me and i’ll tell you all about it

L-We Made It: looks like we made it, look how far we’ve come my baby. They saidd I bett they’ll never make it, but just look at us holding onn, we’re still togetherr, still going stronggg. Also to the fans, miss our single bed and the nights we talked about our dreams :-* also Andrew my man luv u

2018-2019

L-KMM: our love was youthful and exhilarating and fucking electric and i think it still can be. dont know what i’d do without you now H 

L-DLIBYH: We’re strong babe and we’ve grown and we aren’t gonna let life drag us down. I’m doing better, you’re doing better, this is what we wanted. And now any shit we go through, we’ll go through TOGETHER 

L-Too Young: Okay but looking back, that was a lot of shit we went through and we were just babies and i’m sorry for not fighting harder (i cant believe i gave in to the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off cuz i didnt know no better) baby i tried, i tried to protect you but like it was just so much and i hate that you got hurt and i wont ever let that happen again. ALso go us for being mature and COMMUNICATING (face to face at the kitchen table, we can finally have a conversation that I wish we could’ve had before). ANd i know you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry so here let ME say i’m sorry that i hurt you darling. Like we were too young to know we had everything BUT now we’re old(er) and can realize that when we’re together, we DO have everything now and omg is this our happily ever after and we can have a daughter and name her Darcy 

L-Habit: do i need to spell it out for you iiiiii aaaaaaaaammmmmmm sssssssoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. But tbh i let you go because it felt right because mentally you were already out the door and i needed to give you room to grow babe. And i needed the space too (you gave me the time and the space i was out of control and i’m sorry i let you down). but like also i’ve learned i can’t escape you Styles. You’re always in my fucking heart and my fucking mind and in every essence of my being and somehow I knew that 9 years ago and it took me this long to realize how powerful this really is (guess that that i know what i already knew, i was better with you and i miss you now). Ooooh also my favorite line i wrote (took some time cuz i ran out of energy of playing someone I heard I’m supposed to be and honestly i dont have to choose anymore) like who am i kidding, im done pretending i just wanna be yoursss now

L-Defenseless: I can’t help it okay theres something about you that doesn’t let me stay away. I need you and I know that rekindling this relationship isn’t going to be easy even though it feels so so right. It’s going to be hard work (sleeping on our problems but we’ll solved them in our dreams, wake up early morning and it’s still under the sheets) and we need to communicate and solve our problems but here I am, raw and unfiltered and emotionally naked in front of you ready to lay it all on the table (not sure how to say this right, got so much to lose. NEver been so defenseless). So like this branch I’m reach out to you and you be honest with me too babe (you dont have to keep on being strong for me and you. Acting like you feel no pain, you know i know you do...I can’t get inside, when you’re lost in your pride but you don’t have a thing to prove). Be open with me. Lets talk. Let’s solve problems. Lets have an adult relationship. I’m asking for a little vulnerabiltiy babe. It’s just me. Theres nothing to be scared of

L-Walls: And here you have me in my purest form. No lies, no secrets, no insecurities to hide behind. Losing you was fucking painful but i got through it. I’ve been through hell and back and I’ve fought. And without you, I grew into the person I am. And any further growing i’m doing is gonna be with you. bc it was all for you babe. and honestly i can take anything life throws at me now. I’m strong baby. I’m fucking strong and fucking brave and fucking resilient and...fucking yours. ***** wtf is the I just hope i see you one day and you’ll say to me oh oh********

H-Golden: You are the literal sun and I’m not ready. YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON (you were way too bright for me, i’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky). I’m scared to go through this alone, I need your comfort and your guidance (i can feel you take control of who i am and all i’ve ever known). But you’re scared to go through this with me bc you dont wanna get hurt and i’m too open so where tf does that leave us. ******this could be about coming out especially with the London AND NY secret shows where Harry added the lyric I’m hoping someday you’ll open*******

H-Adore You: You dont have to say you love me, you dont have to say nothing, you dont have to say you’re mine. I’d walk through fire for you. Just let me adore Lou. Like its the only thing I’ll ever do. read: Louis is a great person to just admire what he’s like. ALso I dont need anything back. I just dont want to hide my love for you anymore. I don’t need answers or promises. Just let me adore you. ********the music video is also basically a Louis appreciation post. He was the boy with the smile that the world took away from him. He found Harry lost and loved him and nurtured him and made him confident and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. But in doing so, Harry became big and unsatisfied and wanted to explore the world and was clearly interested in Hollywood and Rockstardom especially evident in his behavior 2014-2015. And Louis wasn’t about that life and didn’t want to hold him back. So he let him free. But they realized that they don’t work apart. Wherever they’re going, they’re going together, as the boy sails into the unknown following the fish. I see it as Harry’s version of “this one is a thank you for what you did for me” ************* I see it, I appreciate it, and I love you for it

H-Lights Up: ****fight with Louis. (What do you mean I’m sorry by the way) About coming out? About fame? (Step into the light, so bright sometimes) Either way, L is the guy driving the motorcycle in the video who makes H feel comfortable and safe until they get pulled over because SOMEONE wont let them love*******

H-Falling: What if i’m out, what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? Okay maybe I lied I do want you to claim me. Would me coming out of the closet make that hard for you? I CAN’T GO THROUGH AN IDENTITY CRISIS WITHOUT YOU LOU. I picked someone supportive and now I’m spoiled and I dont know how to be with myself. You want back in my life but what if I dont deserve it? (you said you cared and you missed me too...what i’m someone i dont want around). What if you’re better off without me? (i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again). I know youve been through so much shit because of me, things you’ve never even told me about and im afraid...that I wasn’t worth it. Am I being selfish? because either way, i want YOU (what if you’re someone i just want around). Does that make me a bad person? 

H-TBSL: ****Probably when they starting talking again but it was v casual and they didn’t really discuss their relationship yet*****. I MISS U BUT I WONT TELL U THAT and its nice to talk to u again i missed your voice but if u call me baby i will kill u bc that word has weight OKAY. Like i know you just call everyone babe and darling and sweetheart but baby is FOR ME and only for me when you wake up with me and cuddle me and if you think you have any right calling me baby without giving the luxury of being in a relationship with you then piss off because that shit hurts dude. (i know that you’re trying to be friends, know that you mean it...it’s hard for me to go home to be so lonely). ALso it’s not my fault i’m like this, you literally captured my heart when i was 16 like wtf do u expect (dont blame me for falling, i was just a little boy)

H-Sunflower Vol. 6: we were babies and i was so enamored by you and you’re so bright and beautiful and i want to watch you all day and make you smile and i want you to touch my hair and call me curly and i hope im not making you uncomfortable with my heart eyes but like how are you so perfect. I hope you think i’m cool, i’m really trying but like you’re SO FUNNY and charming and everyone loves you i hope im not embarassing myself. And now it’s like 8 years later and i think i can have you again and i want you so bad but i dont wanna seem too eager and im trying to have dignity and not text you first but like also i want nothing more than to talk to you. Do you think i’m cool now? did you like my new hairstyle? Do you think i’m funny on tour? I want everything i want to be domestic again and kiss in the kitchen and i want to cook for you and as;ldfa;sdhaf i want to buy you flowers everyday and shower ur cute face with kiss. boopx28 

H-Canyon Moon: Hell yea i got ma man back and i have a girlfriend named Jennifer ;) and we are domestic and even though I HATE being away from him for work (so hard to leave it) we have the 2 week rule yall then i can wrap my legs around him and after so so so long I’ll be h.o.m.e. Also did i tell you his eyes are so so blue like sky who i dont know her

H-TPWK: So we’re really doing this. We don’t need to have it all figured out. We can just be us. and happy. and dance. The world loves us babe. (Giving second chances, I don’t need all the answers and if we’re here long enough we’ll see it’s all for us and we’ll belong)

H-Fine Line: You’ve got my devotion but man I can hate you sometimes....We’ll be a fine line. Between what? love and hate? public and private? out and in the closet? each others’ and ourselves? Idk. But i’m going to swallow my pride (my hands at risk I fold) because no matter what, the worst possible outcome is not having you. And I never wanna go through that again. I know we have work to do on our relationship (spreading you open is the only way I know you). And there’s lot of unknown here (there’s things that we’ll never know) but what i do know is that i cant resist you (you sunshine you temptress) and i cant be without you ever again. I think it’ll be hard as hell. But when have we known love as anything but hard? And when have we known our love as anything but worth it? We’ll be a fine line baby. But i know, i knowww with every part of me that we’ll be alright. Because these past 10 years, we’ve been through A LOT. ANd it could have ruined us and made us cynical and cold and closed off. And I think at one point it did. But you know what we did? We fought it. We fought it together. Then we fought it individually. And we became BRAVE. And a brilliant man once said, “love is only for the brave”. 

[yeetussfetus]

hehe thawn

ok ok ok so ik that this was an idea so long ago but i wanted to write something and like this is all i could come up with pls dont come @ me 

Eli looked at his comm, which beeped out a “NOT RESPONDING, NOT RESPONDING” every few seconds. He let out an angry sigh and shut it off, too tired to think. You weren’t responding to any of his calls and he was going to need you on the bridge soon, and he wanted to make sure that Thrawn wasn’t the one who has to go and find you, since Thrawn was always lenient with you about these things.

Truly, he had no idea how a man of such elegance and high standards fell for someone so feral, but oh well. It’s not that you didn’t do your job, it was just more of your personality. He remembers someone describing you as a raccoon in someones trash bin at 3 am, and honestly, that description fit you just well. From waking up in the early hours to make a full course meal, to climbing through the vents instead of walking through the halls, it was a wonder how you even got into the navy. Even more of a wonder on how you befriended so many higher ups.

He turned to the nearest lieutenant, and said, “stay here, I’ll try and find her. If you don’t hear from me by the time Grand Admiral Thrawn comes back, tell him to find her himself.” As he left, he let out a tiny strew of curses towards you and your little stupid antics. Of course, he still was your friend, but he was tired of having to remind you about how to be an adult.

He looked down at his command and saw that you were in… a stormtrooper living area? No, wait, you were in a nearby hallway. What the-

Now more curious than tired, he almost rushed past other officers towards the lower levels of the Chimera, not really caring about how late he was to the meeting.

--------------------------------

Finally, reaching the hallway, he turned and surprisingly, the door was closed. It wasn’t locked, though, so Eli opened it: just in time for a shopping cart to be launched straight at him. He slammed his fist on the control panel again, and the doors shut, and a few seconds later, he heard a loud BANG from the other side of the door.

He opened the door again to reveal that it was none other than you in the cart, and you almost looked happy: almost. But when you turned and saw Eli, you were expecting a tirade of concerned mom friend instincts and for him to drag you back to the bridge, telling you that Thrawn wanted you or that you were late to a meeting. What you were not expecting was for him to enter the hallway, close the doors, and say, “I’m going next, or else I’ll snitch.”

Realizing that he was serious, you said, “Oooohhh, Eli, you know snitches get stitches-” 

“Did I stutter.” 

“... no and fine, but then give the rest of them a turn.” Eli looked behind you to see maybe 4 stormtroopers who were very confused on why a commander was there and why he was talking to you, but then again, you had asked to join them on their fun, and you worked close with the Grand Admiral of the ship, so it wasn’t the weirdest thing they had seen.

Rushing the cart back to  top of the almost slanted hallway, Eli hopped in and grinning like a madman, you launched him down and for once in his life, he didn’t really care about what anyone would think about his unprofessionalism.

--------------------------------

Thrawn was checking the clock every minute, wondering why not only you, but Eli was late, which for you, wasn’t that much of a problem, but for you and Eli? Something was up, or at least, something was wrong. He looked around the room, to see that every officer in the room seemed… tired. Deciding to reschedule the meeting, since it was more of an optional one, he told the officers who arrived to take the rest of the day off, and that the meeting was to be rescheduled another day. Then, he headed out of the office to find you and Eli.

Following both of your comms was easy: what he wasn’t expecting was for you two to be near the stormtrooper quarters. Why would you be there? At this point he was almost concerned about why you would be there. He walked a little faster trying to wrap his head around the fact that you would be there of all places, but hey, it's you, he couldn’t figure you out if you had a list of things you would do on a daily basis.

--------------------------------

Reaching the hallway that your comm stated that you two were in, he hears- a wheel. A few wheels of some kind being dragged away from the door. Then, it suddenly stops. He listens closely and he was able to hear your voice, and then Elis. It sounded like you two were arguing. Of course, he wasn't able to figure out what it was about. Thrawn decided to open the door, and take a look at what you were doing. However, he chose the wrong moment to open the door, because unlike Eli, he didn’t have time to close the doors, as he saw you and Eli in a shopping cart, rolling down straight for him. 

Realizing he couldn’t just close the doors, he slid against the walls as you and Eli rushed by him with the shopping cart. He looked up the hallway and saw that whoever you two were with leaving already. He sighed and decided to let it go for them, but of course, not for you two.

He stood back in the middle of the doorway as you hopped out of the cart. Eli tried to follow, but you motioned for him to stay in the cart. He slumped back down in the cart, knowing that he could just pin the blame on you, but instead he just crossed his arms, waiting for you to say something since it seemed like you had a plan. Thrawn straightened up and stared you both down, before asking one simple question.

“Where did you get the shopping cart?”

You held up a hand with your pointer finger, and at first Eli was expecting some bullshit lie, since it wasn’t actually you or Eli to acquire the cart, but it was actually the troopers.

What he wasn’t expecting was for you to grab the handle of the cart and start booking it to wherever Thrawn wasn’t. He felt himself go to one side of the cart then another as you twisted your ways around the halls. Thrawn simply sighed and then, too tired to deal with your bullshit, he started to chase after you two. 

Eli looked behind you to see Thrawn running after you two and started to panic. “_____, why the hell is he chasing us?” “For fucks sake, you think I know- wait he's chasing us.”

You looked over your shoulder to see that yes, Thrawn, your boyfriend, was chasing you and Eli through the ship. What was even scarier was that one, he was tall, he did actually look like a murderer, and two, his face was darkened, and the only thing you could see from this far was his blood red eyes. 

Enough to scare you, you turned back to continue your way through the ship as Thrawn chased you down the many hallways, and Eli was the one with the most terror in his eyes, since Thrawn seemed to be gaining on the two of you.

--------------------------------

Tarkin walked to the bridge of the Chimera, expecting you to be there. However, surprisingly, you weren’t, and neither was the deformed fruit Thrawn. His mood quickly decreased as he turned towards the nearest officer. “Where is commander _____?” The officer stood there for a second, before he explained, “Well, sir, she is… um…”

Tarkin was about to insult the man for his slowness in responding, when Kallus appeared in front of the doorway. “Commander _____ is pushing Commander Vanto in a shopping cart while they are running from Grand Admiral Thrawn.”

Tarkin turned towards Kallus with a confused look. “What?”

Kallus pulled out a datapad that showed a few security footage that were picked up, showing you pushing Eli in a shopping cart at full speed, while Eli was screaming at something behind you. Suddenly, Thrawn came into view, running straight for the two of you. Tarkin immidialy started to move out of the room, mumbling something along the lines of, “I’m gonna beat that son of a bitch to death” as he walked out of the room. 

Kallus stood there for a moment, then shrugged his shoulders and moved on with his life. This wasn’t the weirdest thing he has seen happen with you two.

--------------------------------

lmao pls take this i had to shoot myself in the foot to get this /s. anyway if yall wanna send in a ask i guess just send it in. is it technically request?? idgaf just send it in and ill try my best. 

oh also big thanks to @fallenrepublick u really helped me get inspired for writings

[sanstropfremir]

excited to see what you have to say about todays episode cause like the other person said, the stunts from the atz/skz/btob also looked lowkey awkward to watch lmao. i feel like the dance part cant really be judged against each other just based on how different they were. also the ikon/sf9/tbz rap performance was much more khiphop inspired while skz/atz/btob were basically "kpop group's rapline does a unit stage" if you know what i mean lmao. im curious to see if you're going to talk about the judges and how some of them were picked solely to have exposure👀 or if there might be a reasoning behind all of them (the dance girl i understand but like... okay)

also, i have to ask if you watched rtk and if you'd feel comfortable sharing who you think should've won/if the boyz deserved it? as a deobi i know its not that big of a deal but i was lowkey proud and stunned by them during rtk and while i think they're doing good on kingdom too, their performances became way too overwhelming/doesn't leave an impression after for my little brain 🙃 i love them tho. also not that you care but i wish they would represent more their full dance line, because juyeon is doing amazing but it can be mentally and physically tiring to be the ONE guy who does all the dance and center parts, like do it as a trio or smt dont push it all on him while there are ten others on the team

i hope you enjoyed my (very) long review and my apparently literally opposite opinions from everyone else! that’s a lie they’re not opposite, i'm just looking at very different things. thank you for also clocking that the performance stages were two different styles! i'm fairly certain the rankings arent out yet for that stage at least, so i'm not envious of the judges having to decide between two performances that are pretty much on opposite ends of the spectrum. also i did make a mistake in my review, i just watched the first half of the episode and they do in fact call it the dance stage, so that’s on me. my point still stands though, group dancing is still dancing.

as far as the judges go........why are we upset about them.....? honestly they all seem fine to me. i mean, i can understand people being pressed about s*ju because they make people mad by just existing, apparently, but that doesnt negate the fact that they have nearly two decades of experience in the industry. if they arent going to have changmin do any judging than they might as well get some other sm vets, since yanno, they did kinda establish the industry (sm, not s*ju. although s*ju is the first kpop group i ever remember hearing way back in like, 2008. in canada. before having a personal device with internet access. sooooooo). and i mean, we all have opinions on the separation of art and artist and everyone can draw their own boundaries of who they choose to consume the work of, and that’s valid. i have lots of those lines too. but you can’t deny the sheer amount of experience, and shindong is a director and music video producer, so he ain’t stupid. i dont see any problems with having a lineup of some idol veterans, a frankly incredible choreographer, and some producers. oh wait, are people mad about the rookies????? why are people mad about the rookies?????????????? huh????????????? have people forgotten that rookies spend literal YEARS training before they even debut??? they’re not incompetent, they’re members of the industry that have worked hard to be there and have valid opinions and abilities to recognize what they think is good?? also.......what’s wrong with doing something for exposure? how do you think groups get popular in the first place? fuck, the prize for kingdom is a variety/reality show! which is exposure! you know that’s how arts marketing works, right? if you want people to listen to your music, you have to advertise it to people. you need an audience. if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it sell thousands of albums? thousands of tickets? why are you invalidating artists on the basis of wanting more exposure? are you worried they’re not going to ‘judge fairly’??? you know none of these groups' reputations are going to be hurt by their placement in the show, right. these are all high level groups already, with established brand rep. THEY are doing this show for exposure too. is this what people are complaining about on twitter?? so every stan account promoting fancams and comeback dates under hit tweets has to delete them now because artists aren’t allowed to do anything for exposure anymore. ?????? am i too old??? what happened to make people think that exposure was bad???

i have only watched the stages from rtk, and not while the show was airing, so i dont really have any context for the show as a whole. do i think they deserved to win? i dont really think anyone ‘deserves’ to win a competition show, but they did produce a couple of phenomenal stages, so was i surprised? no. personally i would have picked pentagon because they had the best vocals and also they took a few more conceptual risks that paid off really well. their cover of follow is a fantastic remake and honestly we need more dramatic remakes like that, ones that really change up the sound. i made a couple of conclusions about tbz in my episode four review that are relevant here (they’re at the end of the tbz section). although tbz are good performers, the problem is theyre trying to showcase those skills by being heavily conceptual, but their creative team is ALL over the place and nothing is landing. I dont think they’re doing terrible in kingdom, they’re doing very well, but their creative team is not providing them with a stable conceptual base. i know i make designing sound relatively simple, but it's not at all. i'm just smart and very good at my job. there are a lot of mediocre designers out there, and tbz just do not have a good creative team for kingdom. and i do actually think it's a shame that they’re fronting juyeon so much, because one of their strengths IS their group work. they have a more of a contemporary flavour than most other groups at the moment and they can do some really sharp synchronization that should to be seen more. i wish they had actually done group work for the performance stage, because we’ve already seen juyeon do a solo stage, plus he has solos in all the stages. give him a break and let the others have a chance to do something at least.

[zukoshotleafjuice]

The funniest thing about june teasing katara and zuko about being a couple is that she just sees a pretty girl and an attractive guy, both looking almost the same age which immediately makes her go "you two must be a couple" and it just reminds me of zvtara shippers, you know what i mean? I'm convinced one of the reasons a lot of ppl ship them is bc of their looks. katara being the female protagonist and also a pretty, smart and powerful girl & zuko, despite not being the male protagonist, being the most attractive guy in the gaang. Boom, a "bomb ass ship". It is worth to recall that "people ship zutara bc they projected onto katara and had a crush on zuko". And if they say they don't ship them for that reason, then it's bc they read too much between the lines in every interaction they have. So, back to june, she didn't even care if they had chemistry or if they were friends or anything, she just straight up teased them about being a couple lmao. Because in all honesty zvtara can be an appealing ship in anyone's eyes but THAT'S IT, it doesn't go further than that. I can be testimony of that😅Before even watching the show i was like june, one day i saw a zk fanart and was like "wow aren't those zuko and katara from atla? They look so good, she's gorgeous and he's hot" i already knew kataang was endgame and that mai was zuko's love interest but seeing zuko and katara together was pleasing to my eyes. However once i watched the show for the first time (2 months ago i think) i realized there was really no romantic chemistry between them, nothing, literally nothing, i mean, i wasn't even waiting for the zvtara content in the show that made ppl ship them so much, i was actually very neutral about ships, i couldn't care less about them, but i still realized nothing was happenig between them and that it was obvious since book 1 ep 1 that kataang was endgame. Zuko and katara were two teenagers from opposite sides of a war that tried to kill each other multiple times and when zuko changed sides they developed a completely platonic relationship. As i said, people either ship them because it's an appealing and aesthetically pleasing ship (water/fire, enemies to lovers, opposites attract, the common red & blue ship) or they just love reading too much between the lines, OR BOTH, because they were so thirsty about it they ended up convincing themselves there was romantic tension between them, that they liked each other and that zvtara was scrapped when it was never planned in the first place. Not to mention the reasons why they claim zvtara should've been endgame are based only on symbolism and things they have in common that are just so ??? Random. e.g. (i saw these on a post on facebook and the comment section was hilarious, it was full of ppl being sarcastic about it & making fun of it) saying they should've been canon bc:

1. "They both lost their mothers at a young age" (?)

2. "katara was good but had rage in her heart and zuko was bad but had good in his heart so it was like yin and yang, and that was the main purpose/topic of the show" (?)

3. "they both had alter egos (painted lady and blue spirit)" (???) this one sounds like saying maiko was canon bc zuko worked in a tea shop and mai worked in a flower shop😂

4. "Zuko was the only one who supported katara in taking revenge on her mom's assassin" (?) if you ask me, that just proves zuko is not right for katara, he led her to do something she was gonna regret later (not trying to hate on zuko, i love him, and since i love him i acknowledge his flaws. I understand why he thought it was the best thing to do, he's an impulsive and resentful boy (he would've done the same if it was his mom) and he noticed how thirsty katara was for revenge, ofc he wanted to help her + he wanted her to accept him and thought it was the right thing to do in order to gain her trust, but it wasn't) unlike zuko, aang tried to make katara come to her senses and do the thing that was best for her: forgive and let go, and it was basically what she did at the end. She didn't do what zuko expected her to do. She did what aang expected her to do. She didn't forgive her mom's assassin, but she forgave zuko, and she didn't do THAT thing she (and aang) knew would regret later. Aang knew katara and what was the best thing for her to do.

5. and the most ridiculous one, "they both saved each other's lives in the final agni kai"(???????) and the funniest part is that it was followed by "WHAT MORE PROOFS DO YOU WANT???". Honestly wtf did ppl expect? Did they expect zuko to stand there and watch katara die? Did they expect katara to just stand there and watch zuko lay on the floor & die? And this has been said a million times and i am going to join and say it once again: zuko would've done that for ANYONE from the gaang, he would've done the same for toph, sokka, suki and aang. Because he learned to care about them. As for katara, she would've done that for anyone too wtf she healed aang once too and even brought him back to life. (I wouldn't be surprised if zk shippers used that as a parallel for romantic zvtara proof bc they're just like that💀)

There were more "reasons" but they're just so stupid and taken out of context like "they care for each other" & "katara was the one who encouraged him to talk to his uncle" like yeah that's what friends do. Basically all zvtara shippers do is REACH.

Also, i just can't see it happening. I like the enemies to lovers trope, maybe if the writers really intended to make it canon, i would have been down for the ship, it would've been interesting to see how it developed, but,, they didn't, and later i came to the realization that if it would've really happened, it would've been so... weird. Time to bring up the "colonized and colonizer ship" and how some ppl feel uncomfortable about it. Besides the fact that a relationship between zuko and katara wouldn't have worked (they're incompatible af, katara is a girl with a strong character and zuko is a guy with anger issues that takes everything personal, they'd be at each other's throats 99% of the time) it's just weird to think that katara would choose to marry a man from the fire nation, the nation that caused a big war that traumatized her, the nation that took her mother away from her. Imagine katara ruling along with zuko a nation she despised for years. Fire lady katara doesn't sit right with me, and i'm sure it doesn't sit right with a lot of ppl as well. I don't see katara doing that, and yes, i know she forgave zuko, but still, she would've never done that 🤦🏽‍♀️ i think it would've been so OOC tbh.

Another thing i laugh my ass off at is when they say "zuko should've chosen katara instead of mai" as if they were ever in a relationship for zuko to say "ok imma choose katara i wanna be with her". As if katara was EVER an option for him. They never showed interest in each other, what's not clicking?????? And zuko only had eyes for mai, not to mention that despite zuko and mai had a rough relationship, no girl would've dealed with zuko's bs better than mai. Can you imagine katara dealing with zuko blowing up over everything? Because i can't. Also people saying things like "zuko deserves someone who is always there for him and listens to him" (and ofc they're talking about katara) like, ok, you hate that katara is aang's "therapist" but you want her to be zuko's therapist. Logic? Where? And I do remember mai being a supportive gf and trying to cheer him up multiple times. Did they watch the same show as me?

Zvtarians try to play the victims about how they were "robbed" bc some voice actors shipped them and from what i've read people who worked for the show suggested to go for zk, but that's stupid, it doesn't count as "they planned it but scrapped it, we were robbed". The only word that counts are the creators' voice and they have stated they were always rooting for kataang, so no, you were not robbed.

People are just so in love with the idea of zuko and katara together they really convinced themselves it was likely to happen. Honestly zvtara it's a fine ship as fanon but ppl ruined it for me and what i hate the most is when they ship it and hate on aang and mai at the same time and make them look SO bad to invalidate kataang and maiko. Saying aang is abusive and mai is toxic is complete ✨bullshit✨ and lastly, it's ridiculous when they say the creators were cowards for not making it canon. They're cowards for not fulfilling your greatest childhood wish? Something they never planned? It is THEIR show. If you hate sm how things turned out then quit atla once and for all and go find another show that you know is gonna give you what you expect,,, it's tiring that they've been crying about it for 15 yrs , like, i joined the fandom recently but i can imagine how tired old atla fans must be of this.

OK so I have a lot of thoughts about this and firstly,,,anon I appreciate the dedication that it took for you to write  this, and I agree with many of your points. However, the attitude I have on this blog towards Avatar ships is far more neutral than what you’re saying.

Ultimately, romance is not and never was the focus of Avatar. Romantic development was always secondary or tertiary plot, and the entire show was far more focused on platonic relationship development. My attitude towards shippers on here - including Zutara shippers - is that people can ship what they want, as long as they’re respectful of each other and of the other characters that “interfere” with their ship. End of the day, shipping is irrelevant to the core of the show. 

People shipping something because they find it aesthetically appealing is honestly,,,fine. Personally, I think it’s reductionist, but I don’t care if you do because everyone has the right to enjoy media however they want to. 

That being said, we absolutely should call out racist or problematic tropes that we see, including ‘fire lady katara”. I also agree that it’s upsetting when people bash other characters in order to further their ship, as much of the bashing is also pretty racist and/or misogynistic. Calling that out, however, is separate from calling out every single person who happens to enjoy certain ships. 

“She didn't do what zuko expected her to do. She did what aang expected her to do. She didn't forgive her mom's assassin, but she forgave zuko, and she didn't do THAT thing she (and aang) knew would regret later. Aang knew katara and what was the best thing for her to do.”

I understand where you’re coming from, but I honestly disagree with this take. Both Aang and Zuko were approaching the situations from their own life experiences, but Katara didn’t do what either of the boys wanted. She chose her own path, by both sparing Yon Rha’s life but also refusing to forgive him. The episode is about Katara and her personal trauma and its focus should not be on her relationships with either Zuko or Aang. 

When I make posts such as this, it’s less about hating Z*tara and more about how this fandom focuses all its attention on romance and shipping, to the point where if you acknowledge a relationship’s importance it’s assumed you pair the two romantically. I don’t read Zuko and Katara’s relationship as romantic (for reasons that it would take too long to explain here), but their relationship development is extremely important, the two of them share tons of parallels and the final Agni Kai marks the culmination of both of their character arcs. Yes, Zuko would have taken the lightning for any of the characters, but it’s thematically important that it was Katara. None of this inherently means it’s romantic, but refusing to acknowledge the significance of the relationship between them is equally reductionist. 

This isn’t an attack on you, anon, and you’re 100% allowed to have negative feelings about a ship. But at the end of the day, it’s not worth getting this worked up over. If I were you I’d focus more on creating/consuming content for a ship you like than bashing ships you don’t!

[mihrunnisasultans]

Have you seen TSP promo for 2x04 yet? Based off what we see, I have three predictions for this episode: 1) Catherine is pregnant with Mary 2) Henry begins his affair with Bessie Blount 3) Meg falls for Angus and loses the Regency of Scotland to Albany

2)  While I’m not surprised by any of this, I hate what’s coming for Meg. Unfortunately, her life turned upside down after King James IV of Scotland died at the Battle of Flodden. She marries two more times for love, but Angus and Methven played on her emotions and used Margaret for her status—ultimately, cheating on her and stealing her money. She was living in poverty and forced to be supported by her son. Her first husband, James IV of Scotland, was the only one who truly loved her.

3)  Angus (and then Methven) will be Meg’s undoing. They charm her into thinking it’s true love, but both men married her for her status. They cheat on Margaret and steal her money. The only one who truly loved her was King James IV of Scotland. CAN WE REWRITE HISTORY AND BRING BACK RAY STEVENSON???

4)  It was very clear that TSP pulled out all the stops to make Angus look as sweet as could be in 2x04: Grief, but I can’t fall in love with his character because I know what’s coming. Angus ruins Margaret’s life. He cheats on her almost immediately and threw her into poverty for years. What’s worse is Methven does the same thing to her. I wish Meg had been told the advice she gives her character: “Stay! Away! From! Men!”

Hello Anon or Anons because I don’t know whether all messages in my inbox are from the same person or not, sorry for replying after a few days (which is still quick for me lmao), but I’ve been very tired & busy lately.

I’ve now obviously seen the whole episode and definitely enjoyed it most of all eps this season (it’s still TSP though) and then I learned it was written neither by Frost nor her Eastenders boyfriend, so this explains it I guess lol.

But honestly enjoyed bigger focus put on Tudor sisters’ storylines instead of devoting whole ep to how “awesome” Harrykate are. 

Honestly the way they write Angus at the moment just makes it sooo hard to suspect what is going to happen. If I hadn’t read some history, I would have been convinced he was a harmless dude and wouldn’t have suspected anything.  You can’t even accuse Meg of naivety because it’s hard to see it coming. He’s helpful, but not in creepy see-what-great-guy-I-am way because he does not overstep, but truly reacts appropriately when she needs some assistance, is not afraid to cry and show grief, talks about God and the poor and how this is more important than war, actually killing a person for the first time is a big deal for him (now compare it  with Frost’s KoA who couldn’t rest until she was able to do so ... she was truly given many toxic masculinity traits as EmPOwErEmEnt, I want to SCREAM), quotes More, is romantic, sweet, courteous.. ideal guy or not?

Likely will emerge a huge hypocrite soon, unless EF changes his character due to lack of screentime and Meg’s only problem will be paying a price for following her heart. Because that’s the problem that we have just 5 episodes left and still so many years & issues to cover? They will definitely arrive at the Great Matter and yes Henry haven’t even begun his womanising ways. Add Mary’s wedding drama with Brandon to come too. Ah and the completely uneccessary, but inevitable Maggie/More affair, which I now lost hope will be a platonic thing when we learned he is actually  satisifed with his wife and marriage except for “cold bed” (worst part of the episode, YIKES).

Same with Bessie, EF calls her a snake, but so far we’ve seen a friendly, caring girl, who is loyal to her mistress & not even any sexy seductress. She does not seem to be even interested in Henry, unless something’s already been going on and even the audience does not know it, and she expresses interest in Brandon as smokescreen. There’s like a lot of characters that will need to have a turn of 180 degrees with respect to how they are presented and so... little time for it? Henry also needs to get mad in accordance with spoilers LOL. I know characters might have hidden motives, but it’s hard to imagine EF doing it right and convincingly eh. IDK about Bessie, it’s possible EF calls her a snake simply because she will sleep with her mistress’s husband & interferes in “great luv” and does not realise it was really dangerous to refuse the king if he decided on you, and so far we truly haven’t seen her trying to catch Henry’s eye, plotting to get him or anything of that sort. No hints of any such behaviour as well.

I can’t ship Meg with Angus at all knowing what is to come, but at least we can’t accuse Meg here of being naive or stupid because he truly seems like such a nice guy with good morals. Maybe she should watch out for his flattery, but then would not a besotted man tell his object of affection she’s best queen eva?

Poor, poor Margaret :(

And yes we are definitely missing actors with charisma like Ray Stevenson, I still just cannot see Ruairi being a convincing tyrant or madman (hahah) NGL.

[system-of-a-feather]

📚, 🕶️, and ♟️ ?

📚 What are some alters’ favourite book/movie/music genre(s)?

This one was apparently already asked here so the answer will be at the link here

🕶️Do you imitate the host (if applicable)?

Uhh... depends tbh. I’m honest to god not the best at it cause to be honest it can be really hard and I often find myself over playing and getting reaaaalllly sarcastic and stupid about it since there are a lot of really like... kind of meme-y stupid and silly things about Riku, both in the positive manner and not. It is really hard for me to keep a straight face and not start being sarcastic about it if I actually try to be like them cause like... they’re literally an extroverted anime protagonist and I really don’t know where they get that energy and general approachable friendliness so like.... I don’t really try to imitate Riku. I mean if I need to for safety? Yeah sure, but honestly I am much more likely to just remove myself from the presence of people that I know won’t deal with me / treat me like a human being since I really don’t have the energy to spare and if it is a safety issue, its best I just leave anyways tbh

So if I can’t leave and it isn’t absolutely necessary I just act like myself cause then there is a chance it is written off as “depressed, snarky, and bitchy” Riku and people don’t question it as much as they just leave me alone. Like, ever since Riku came out to our mom about having DID like I swear to god our mom has noticed like 75-80% of the time and has always had to make some snotty ass shitty comment cause she hates me lmao. It is honestly part of why I dislike fronting these days and haven't been around.

Like around our fiance and friends its great because like I can get along with them and its all cool and whatever. Most people that actually have taken the time to know me rather than writing me off as a bitch actually get along with me just fine and shit and fronting is fine but fuck man I don’t have the energy to be Riku when I’m out.

♟️ Do you have any skills the body and/or most alters don’t have?

Yeahhh probably lmao. I mean I don’t know about Jii since they are kind of new, but when it comes to having really like fast defensive reflexes, apparently only Ray and I seem to have them. And like, apparently only Ray and I have any form "instinctual” ability as to how to handle our body in a physical altercation of sorts cause like... Riku knows some of the shit we learned in the past, but like they hesitate and have to think too much. It’s actually why I used to really hold onto being the first person to handle any physical-related potentially traumatizing situations, but then Ray came back and showed that he was pretty quick and good at restraining and able to be aggressive if need be and I was like “fuck it have that job” lmao

But yeah I guess being able to throw hands and restrain to some degree would be a Ray and I only thing at least to our current knowledge. 

I also know how to nap which is a skill that I’m sure half of our system struggles with though I wouldn’t call that as much of a skill as much as it being me perpetually being tired.

Uh, I also know how to flirt which again I think Ray and maybe Jii (again I don’t know I’m just guessing from their personality and what I know about them so far) are the only ones who know how to do that.

But yeah thats that. Sorry if this shit was a bit sarcastic / grumbly / rambly? I’m a bit in a mood lol I’m all good tho don’t worry. This is just like, my resting bitch type text.

-Aderis (Ex. Pers-Protector)

[robot-unicorn-attack]

alicia’s plotting ideas/notes??

SNOW (MARIVANA)

ideas & stuff!! feel free to message me either here or on urstyle or wherever else u have me, or comment directly on this post, to plot! ill put finalized notes w/ rest of snow’s info once we have it down :)

Sky - so since seraphina’s a newer racer, she and marivana don’t know each other super well? but they’re almost complete opposites, in terms of like racing specialties, and marivana doesn’t feel threatened by seraphina in any way. she probably keeps her distance whenever they aren’t doing things their agency has sent them on? 

It would be kind of fun to say that maybe, as a publicity stunt, twilight’s official statement is that snow has been mentoring sky behind the scenes? 

and they have to pretend that’s true, even though it’s not lol

LOL but it would be funny if one day marivana showed up at the track while seraphina was doing stuff and was just like, “so twilight wants me to teach you something that makes it look like i’ve actually been helping u. u free atm?”

but overall I don’t think marivana has too many strong opinions about seraphina, unless we want to create some kind of drama?

Ice - premade; tbd

Supernova - Marivana is…pretty indifferent? when it comes to Supernova. She knows who she is and what she’s done, of course-who doesn’t?-but if you think that she’d be starstruck and/or falling over herself when Supernova’s around her…well, you’d be wrong. Marivana’s had multiple trusted parties tell her that she’s just as good as Supernova was, at her peak, so she knows that she’s not a threat-for now, at least. Marivana’s a bit wary of the other racer, but also a bit curious to see as to where this comeback will lead.

So, depending on how much of the wedding and divorce was public....Marivana def would remember 1) the wedding, and 2) not giving a shit about it

The 2 of them have raced together, right at the very beginning of Marivana’s career? like 10+ years ago? and if As even remembers all that girly snow princess stuff, she could be like “lmao so twilight really pulled a 180 on her”

AHHHH so I know I never made this explicitly clear because I suck as a human being but - the deal with unicorns is that agencies/manufacturers/etc say that they’re just robots? agencies probably actually believe it, but in terms of the manufacturers they might be vaguely aware of otherwise but also don’t want to jeopardize any profits so they keep that shit on the DL

but obviously for ppl like Mari/As who have been riding for p much their entire life, they can tell when horses are distressed, happy/content, etc?

and robot unicorns are basically horses in terms of how sentient they are? 

so i have no fucking idea when this would happen, but the 2 of them mutually acknowledging that RUR is pretty fucked up for the unicorns?

also like....IT WOULD BE SO CUTE if the two of them sort of rolled their eyes at the same time about some kind of story regarding another rando racer who quit maybe a lil after As did (so the newer racers aren’t familiar with her)? and then they realize that they both rolled their eyes at the same time LOL

honestly just being Tired Grandmas together

anyway. @interluxetumbra LMK what u think!!!

Sunbeam -  tbd

Flower - Marivana knows exactly what 𝑅 𝐼 𝒮 𝐸 is pulling with Flower (her own agency did the same thing to her, after all), and she is not fooled at all. She’s not stupid; in the robot unicorn racing industry, nobody is completely, utterly unknown when they debut unless they had no prior experience with robot horses/unicorns in the past. Marivana knows that Flower probably had to work her butt off to stay with 𝑅 𝐼 𝒮 𝐸, and she would bet her right hand that the image that Flower puts out to the public is just that - an image.

*chanting* AURIVANA AURIVANA AURIVANA

is the lil club plot we have how they meet/1st time they actually talk 2 ea other????

speaking of which - how do we want to write that? collab in a gdoc???

& then they just keep coincidentally running into ea other randomly????

aura saying something super Flower-esque and marivana just rolling her eyes and being like, “ok great now tell me what you really think about __” ??? lol

aura somehow discovering that marivana is into BOTANY, of all things????

maybe this is when she makes some sort of dry remark about the bio for Flower on the RISE website? “[Flower] grew up in a lush green meadow, hidden away from prying eyes by miles and miles of ice. How Flower managed to get the ice to melt for long enough to plant flowers and trees will always be a mystery.” and marivana’s like “lol magic my ass there’s literally no fucking way”

she explains it with a good amount of scientific jargon thrown in and aura’s just like watttttttttttttt :0000

literally hit me up ANYTIME i already adore them

also - their aesthetics as racers? put together? a+++++++++

OMG THIS IS LIKE WAY IN THE FUTURE BUT LIKE, we should say that their secret relationship somehow ends up going public for the ~drama~??? and instead of being super freaking pissed off, both of their agencies are just like “lmao okay ice queen x fairy princess? best ship” and use it for publicity?????

Flame - Marivana knows about 1) the image that she projects, and 2) that this image is pretty true to who Flame really is, for the most part. Her verdict? Flame could prove to be annoying, if she gets relevant while Marivana is still in the industry as a racer. Marivana doesn’t know what life not racing would be like, but she’s well-aware that she’s the oldest racer out there (well, besides Supernova, who doesn’t count. She’s making a comeback, after all), and that retirement is probably not too far out in her future. So, if Flame is still around within the next 5-10 years, then Marivana might start worrying about her. For now, she’s just the irritating racer with ʟᴀᴢᴇʀ who won’t ever stop causing a scene.

So they haven’t really interacted much yet, do we wanna say? 

they’re wary of each other because both their unicorns specialize in high power/strength so they’re like, more directly in competition?

are they going to engage in the RUA equivalent of a twitter fight??? in a publicity stunt that both of their agencies are putting on?

maybe snow has once insulted kehlani in an interview??? though it was fake/staged/scripted by her agency so she doesn’t actaully feel that way but ya know. doin it for the vine

and kehlani responds in kind, maybe at the behest of lazer, maybe not?. and it just keeps going???

but ya, marivana prob finds her personality kinda annoying so would generally avoid her unless kehlani approached first

Nyx - so like, snow probably thinks sol is way too flashy and all over the place, & does not engage her ever? she knows of the rumors of foul play, ofc, b/c who doesn’t, but she assumes that the rumors are super blown out of proportion (as rumors tend to be)?? and snow knows that if sol ever tries to target her/other ice world racers specifically, twilight will literally strong-arm lazer into dropping her. so she’s not that worried about that stuff????

definitely thinks her razor-sharp precision with U-800 is something to be admired, though, even if it’s not the flashiest skill like dressage or speed

OMG LOL spoiler alert but the 2nd event is a race on lava world, so they’re all on the main LW training/practice facilities in the days leading up to the race???? and we TOTALLY need to have them do that weirdly super aggressive staredown/pre-game smack talk sesh that they do in super extra sports anime LOL

Widowmaker - snow’s heard of her, knows of her, has competed against her, but since they both tend to keep to themselves they haven’t really talked? it could be potentially cool if eleni guessed about/found out about what actually happened with marivana’s 1st unicorn?? OMG DRAMA but what if she actually knew of the armed thief? who was on ice world for whatever reason lmfao we can hand-wave it. bonus points if she’s pissed that 1st unicorn killed the person?????????? lol

and it could be POTENTIALLY FUN to write a scene with them where eleni basically calls her out on the fact that, yeah marivana fucking hates twilight for deactivating the first unicorn so why tf does she still race for them/earn them so much money???

also marivana has literally no retirement plans atm so.....i have NO FREAKING IDEA if this would ever be possible or not, but if she somehow?? gets involved? with the people who wanna fuck up TEF govt for not giving a single shit about black hole ??? ? ??? ?? thru eleni????????//

idk dude feel free to just be like “lmao alicia that would never happen” if it feels too OOC!!! it’s also like 4 am & i’m only half coherent so ;D

but i literally have no idea in what context the calling out would be in!!! maybe if marivana saw some top sekrit info that eleni might have access to and was like “i won’t tell anyone at TWILIGHT if you tell me why you have this”? and eleni is like *eyeroll* “not like u have any reason to like ur agency”

Taglist: @ayzrules @bebemoon @jay-swagsby @filthysoulls @shiftyprincess @kzombi3 @now-on-elissastillstands

[thefudge]

scattered thoughts on sanditon so far 

this is a fun romp from andrew davies and there’s a lot to like and be invested in

but i do have some observations/ gripes

obviously davies is going for a modern/sexed up adaptation of austen and i have mixed thoughts on that, cuz there’s a lot of interesting stuff you can do with that, but you can also botch it up big time (i’m glad he didn’t do this to p&p back in 1995...i wonder what that adaptation would’ve looked like today. probably full monty darcy, lol). so i think some elements verge on the ridiculous, for instance having almost every dude in this show strip naked in front of a crowded beach several times in a row. ditto for theo james. i don’t mind the view (hehe) but i think it’s inserted awkwardly at times. like okay, we get it, it’s a beach resort and we’re trying to make austen edgy in 2019.... just maybe indulge a little less and literally keep it in your pants. 

this being a more modern adaptation i don’t mind hair and make-up anachronisms, but i DO mind the fact that rose williams sports this really weird shade of fuchsia lipstick in almost every single scene. stop iiiit

speaking of which, rose williams is a cutie and i loved her on reign, but i don’t understand what she’s doing with her face in this series. don’t get me wrong, she does a good job of making charlotte very likable, but the only way she can express...anything, really, is by making these confused faces, like a child practicing frowning in the mirror. it’s...really awkward. and she does this all the time, whether she’s happy or sulky or nervous, she just always looks like she’s trying to figure out the fibonacci sequence.  i mean it’s hilarious when u have theo james going all gruff to her about his feelings and rose williams is that gif of the blond lady doing math in her head. her acting is pretty good otherwise, but those faceeeees.

esther denham is my goddamn FAVE, gosh i love a Disappointed Queen and i’m glad she’s getting away from that boring skeevy brother. for once the incestuous siblings didn’t do it for me at all (which is pretty much the point lol). there’s nary a dude more uninteresting than edward whatshisface, my gaaaawd (also, davies trying to ramp up the sexiness with those scenes of edward brushing her hair or doing her stays...lol, sir, this rly isn’t your strength i’m sorry)

but i have to say that i thought esther and clara would be a thing. because my gosh, the chemistry during their scenes! the way they’d glide past each other with utmost contempt, while being disquieted by each other @___@. i mean it’s an austen adaptation, so i guess they’d never go there but!!! i need fic (would’ve made clara more bearable at least. i appreciate her character objectively cuz she’s an interesting pseudo-antagonist and you don’t get many of those, but blerghh. she was insufferable)

i was kinda (actually very) disappointed that the relationship between sidney and his ward, georgiana, wasn’t really developed. like there’s one more episode to go (as far as i know?) and they’ve barely scratched the surface with them. i mean he’s halfway decent to her now.... but ehh. i feel like this was a missed opportunity. after all, this was austen’s unfinished novel, so andrew davies & co could have added more material between these two. this, to me, should have been the real heart of the series. 

i like otis as a character, but georgiana/otis was zzzzzz. i suppose that they’ll end up together? zzzzzzzzzz (i frankly ship her way more with arthur! she finds him infuriating! he’s a sweetheart! the shenanigans!)

that German doctor is the real MVP, i feel like he should be sanditon’s no. 1 bachelor. i mean the shower rod??? providing pleasure to all the ladies in town, what a hero 

the soundtrack is rly rad! and the cinematography

i love how the show captures austen’s growing interest in the industrialized modern world which was emerging in the twilight years of the regency and i feel like maybe the show should’ve invested more time in that modern aesthetic (steampunk!) rather the awkward sexual shenanigans 

so....i can’t delay the inevitable anymore, can i? sigghh okay here i go

sidney/charlotte...annoys me. 

HEAR ME OUT.

 u know that i love LOVE “enemies to lovers” and hate/love stories, i LIVE FOR THIS SHIT. 

and i was ready to gorge on this dynamic because it looked delish 

 but i felt like michael bluth finding the dead pigeon in the paper bag. 

from what i can gather, sidney is supposed to be a mixture of darcy and capt wentworth, “haughty” and proud, with a history of romantic disappointment, a brooding sexy hero with a heart of gold. but to me this dude just comes off as weird. 

there’s legit no reason for him to be THIS mean to this young girl he just met. he is not just an asshole, he is ridiculously over the top about it, to the point where he makes a fool of himself. i am FINE with a man telling a woman off, believe me, but it has to have some kind of motivation, some kind of reasoning behind it. here, it just feels like the plot needs him to be utterly shitty to charlotte so that “sparks will fly”. that first ep convo on the balcony??? wtf???? it was genuinely bizarre. i got weird incel vibes. and every time he lashes out at charlotte (at least in the first 4 episodes) it’s fucking silly, because it’s not like he lashes out because she’s scratching the surface of his innermost painful memories. no!!! many of their arguments revolve around basic things that he could easily clarify!!! which he does eventually, so like whyyyyyyyyyy. charlotte keeps telling him he’s being vague for no good reason and he still does it. it doesn’t make sense he’d be this guarded and outspoken at the same time. like, fine, keep that shit to yourself, don’t tell ppl, but don’t also get pissed at them when they don’t guess your mind. again, i love an antagonist dynamic when it’s done right, but here many times it’s just pointless bullying, it’s not sexy or fun or challenging. the writers keep making charlotte apologize to him about how “wrong” she got him and how he makes her doubt her judgement but it sounds fake to me. like a) this dude went out of his way to be a total assface to you from day one, b) none of that bullying was him trying to coax you into having a more complicated view of the world. when darcy rebukes elizabeth, he is hinting at her limited point of view. he’s not blatantly negging her or calling her stupid as this dude does. AND U KNO WHAT.

i’d be absolutely fine with him calling her stupid IF IT MADE SENSE WITHIN THE STORY 

like if charlotte had truly done smth stupid during the first episode, sure, fine, it’s somewhat warranted 

but for him to decide she’s an idiot for no other reason than her making some honestly super nice remarks about his brothers when he asked for her opinion is THE HEIGHT OF NONSENSE 

it’s even more nonsense when 2 episodes later he decides maybe she’s not that dumb after all FUCK U MR. EDGELORD

and it makes me pity charlotte cuz she’ll probably marry this dude and have to deal with him in his old age when he’ll be even more insufferable. 

and i totally get the appeal. i do! i mean their scenes are manufactured to make you want more of them, i see the chemistry, it’s there (and we’re already at a point in the series where he’s trying to make amends) but at the same time i’m put off by this dude’s intensity, cuz it’s not the hot kind of intensity...it’s more like he’s a giant dumb baby who breaks things. meh. theo james is very pretty tho, and he is doing the most with his character (that voice def helps!). but i wish this antagonistic relationship had been written better, because it could’ve been glorious

this is why i think sidney/georgiana should’ve been so much more present. just like darcy has his georgiana we need the humanizing element, we need to see more variety from this dude than just “guy who clearly needs anger management classes”. 

i’m pretty sure i’m in the minority or possibly one of two ppl not won over by this romance, and i can’t lie and say i don’t root for them. too much of this show is predicated on their clashes for them not to work it out and get together, but boyyyy do i wish they’d done it a bit better

i almost feel like a reylo anti lol, but at least kylo ren doesn’t neg rey every single time they talk 

also, i go back to rose williams’ faces because they just rly enhance how clumsy this dynamic is. theo james is doing byronic asshole 2.0 and charlotte looks at him like he’s developed a smell lmao. i mean the scene where she catches him naked? she turns around and FROWNS in this rly bizarre way, almost like she noticed a growth on his dick lmao it’s that bad 

anyway i totally get the appeal, but i also know what i want from this kind of dynamic and...this ain’t quite it 

honestly i think i prefer charlotte/cute architect guy whose name i don’t remember right now! 

that being said, my fave moments of this show are the most austen-esque, where ppl don’t take themselves so seriously. i mean the adventures of the perennially-ailing parker siblings (arthur & diana)? deeeelightful. the pineapple scene? glorious

also it makes me sad that sanditon was left unfinished because to see austen tackling georgiana’s character in depth would have been so, so interesting 

in conclusion, the show’s a lot of fun but also frustrating in many ways

i hope davies doesn’t set his eyes on re-adapting p&p or other austen classics because ermmm i know i’m trash but i am kind of tired of these sexed-up “look how scandalous we are behind closed doors” adaptations. you can make the regency era feel modern and relatable without “shocking hand job in the estate park” pls and thank u. sure, the regency era was the inheritor of the sexually relaxed 18th-century, but it wasn’t that relaxed yall. ppl still kept their wits and bonnets about them.

still, i’m glad this show exists and that it tries to take risks, i just wish it took different kinds of risks, if that makes sense. like i am SO bummed i didn’t get into sidney/charlotte, u have no idea 

[uniformbravo]

a bunch of winter 2020 anime first impressions from Me

Koisuru Asteroid / Asteroid In Love

ok ive already professed my love for this one so i wont get too much into it but basically it’s Extremely cute & im way invested in the two (HOPEFULLY romantic) leads bc their relationship is so sweet so far aaaaaaa

like do u SEE this shit im actually tearing up hgnfhrognfghdjfnjg

this show is Pretty and Cute and Space-Themed and Probably Gay what more do u Need. i love it 10/10

Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!

so fucken good, this is the one i was most excited for based purely on the art style/animation and god did it deliver, everything is such a treat to look at i fuckin LOVE a setting w/ just as much personality as the characters

and My Goodness the Characters, 3 distinct girls w/ strong designs & personalities that aren’t like super moe/catered to cishet dudes heLLO

we Love a gremlin protag & her chaotic neutral best friend & the “fuck you dad i want to make anime” dreamer they meet........

also HELL YEAH it’s about making anime and they don’t even use that as a gimmicky set piece, the art is a huge part of the story and the detail with which it’s explored in the first ep gives me high hopes for the rest of the show aaaaa so excited to see where this one goes after that BANGER of a first episode

Jibaku Shounen Hanako-kun

switching gears to a less great one lol..... so the thing is this show’s visual aesthetic absolutely fucking slaps in a way that’s so rare to see in a sea of samey anime art styles, like the character designs are unique and everything is so damn colorful, the backgrounds alone blow me away w/ how fuckin Pretty they are??? LOOK at this shit

and just. this show has a lot of stylistic flourishes that make it like 100/100 Certified Good-To-Look-At Anime

which makes every other aspect of the show that much more disappointing lmaoooo like ok i can deal w/ a mediocre story if the visuals slap, which they Do, but also these characters look 10 & we’re doing the whole sexualizing minors thing which fucking BLOWS it’s so uncomfortable to watch........... i feel like it’s one of those things where they’re trying to justify it by being like “o well hanako’s like a thousand year old spirit or whatever so he’s not REALLY underage” but fuckin. fuck off he looks and sounds like a Young Boy yall know what ur doing ugh

it’s not a thing that happens Constantly throughout the episode, really just a few moments here and there, but it is in the op pretty prominently so i feel like it’s gonna be a Thing that keeps happening so idk if i’ll stick w/ this one in particular which is a Damn Shame bc it really is such a gorgeous looking show im mad

number24

ok ngl just from the character designs alone i rly didn’t think this one was gonna make as good a first impression as it did??? i guess the huge ensemble cast of pretty boys reminded me of last season’s actors: songs connection, which uh. was Not great,

so i went into it totally expecting it to be all shitty but it rly surprised me, i found it so intriguing? the characters are actually really endearing so far...... i love how it doesn’t try to shove the entire cast in our faces in the v first ep but instead starts out w/ a small handful and lets us spend a lil time w/ them while only giving assorted Hints and passing impressions of the others, that was nice

also love how very not “generic sports anime” it is right off the bat by dropping us right into the middle of these characters’ story instead of doing the whole “bright-eyed first year joins the team and fights his way to the top” sorta deal- which you’d think would be a confusing and awkwardly paced approach but in this case is handled surprisingly well, especially because it seems like it’s gonna have a lot more elements of a character drama than a straight up classic sports anime (which i am Super here for)

(there is a lot of rugby in the op though so we’ll see how things go, it’s only been 1 ep after all)

the air drop into the characters’ established lives makes introductions a lot more organic as well; since the characters are already familiar with each other we don’t have to sit around watching everyone introduce themselves to the protag, we get to infer their relationships and general opinions of each other through their various interactions & it’s a thousand times more engaging imo!!

i mean we do have this other first year joining as a manager and our protag did deliberately say he learned everyone’s names/info after deciding to become a manager so im sure we’ll be getting those character introductions anyway, but well. we’ll cross that bridge if/when we come to it

also i believe this takes place in college rather than high school?? i couldn’t pay attention to every detail but i definitely got that kind of vibe in which case Hell Yeah another welcome deviation from the norm babeeyyyy (i just checked and it Is college yeehaw)

basically what im saying is im tired of tropes & number24 just no clipped past the first 25 chapters of the sports anime formula and also it’s set in university AND it seems to be character-driven & im living thanks thank u

Pet

ok ill be honest i completely forgot that i watched this one lmaooo (which should give u a hint as to what i thought of it *thinking emoji*)

the art style’s whatever and the animation’s whatever, nothing special there. the show is like, dark?? more stupid than dark idk it feels a little bit “welcome to my twisted mind” but the twist is homophobia w/ a mild side of ableism, and also an entire episode of suspense wondering if im gonna have to watch this black side character die (he doesn’t, so there’s that at least)

honestly i cant even remember what drew me to this show enough to put it in my plan to watch, i guess the premise sounded interesting enough (something about controlling minds and erasing memories?), but mature psychological shows usually aren’t really my scene, especially when they’re executed.... Like That. i did kind of enjoy the twist at the end, mildly, though i feel like it was pretty obvious in hindsight and the only reason i didn’t see it coming is bc i can be astoundingly shortsighted when it comes to things like that (aka im DUMB)

since it took until the very end of the episode to Really introduce our dynamic duo tho, i feel like this ep was more of a prologue than anything and the Real show is gonna begin in ep 2, which is great n all but uh. idk if i care enough to give that a watch tbhhhh. i might just to see what the show has to offer but really truly honestly cant see myself sticking this one thru to the end lmao rip

--

hate to end on a bummer note like that but hey that’s all i got for this post ! i have more shit to watch so i’ll probably end up making like a part 2 w/ more impressions but this is getting long enough that it’s becoming kind of a pain to keep adding more so thats it for now boiyoeiyeoii

[icharchivist]

 i’ve got a spiral down about my past and needed to throw it all out somewhere sorry about that, scroll past

under cut cw: self harm mentions, suicide idealization mentions, the usual deal from my parents, abandon issues and even slight bigotery discussion that has nothing interesting to say, just me being upset at my parents, so please just scroll past. 

Honestly i act as cheerful as possible lately and to be honest, i truly am happier than i had been in a long while - my current hyperfixation helping a lot and i think it also helps me process some things that I need to process as of now, especially the whole “living in the present, moving forward and try not to think too much of the past” angle that i obsess about lately -

but there’s not a single day that passes where i’m not angry at my family, that i’m not frustrated, that i don’t want to scream. I look back at my past and want to destroy it all, throw it all out, hating every single minute of it. 

And it’s while it’s better now that my (ex)stepdad left for good (I still have the 6 fucking years of trauma he left me with to deal with though) and that my mom is barely there bc she’s happily living with her bf right now (and even there this bad, bitter part of me is just BITTER that she can just move on and be happy as if i hadn’t been miserable due to her decisions in that whole time) - there is still the case of the fact that there’s this trial against my dad that is bringing back sour memories because my dad just... come to shake things bc he sucks. 

And meanwhile i’m happy i don’t have the weigh to bother with my mom but like?? that adds to all the times i’ve felt neglected, abandonned, left behind. And she will be /happily/ doing so and i must be happy bc she’s happy. 

All those problems i have to still process the consequences to shouldn’t even have been problems to start with. There is no reason any of it is fair, any of it is worth it. 

And like everytime i look back i just see how miserable it made me and how i still pay those decisions to this day: hell right now my hands hurt like crazy and GEEZ. bc what is handicaping my hand? a sickness that started due to high dose of stress my parents put me under AND neglect bc my mom argued for months i didn’t need to see a doctor and we didn’t have the means for it, leading to me contracting a deadly disease that will ALWAYS remain in my blood and always show up again when i’m having some pick of stresses and that still forbid me to do things to that day.

And like... everytime i start to be in pain i get frustrated because those problems, i’ve learnt to deal with them and i especially learnt to shut the fuck up about it. Because even if those are things that could kill me, it’s always things that do it /slowly/ so my parents don’t care?? they just tell me to stop complaining and move on? Like i almost had a ulcer and since then can’t eat some stuff anymore but does that stop my mom from just cooking it and joking that “she too is in pain eating them”? 

And i’m frustrated because I compare to my sister who had also been deadly sick, but those deadly got very quick and concerning very fast so my mom at least always overprotected her - and that’s good and fine, i’m glad my sister got the support she needed, but in the meantime when I got my deadly sickness i was just told to suck it up and that we couldn’t see a doctor because see it’s slow so it’s not important? 

And there’s not a day without those thoughts to come back to me. And it frustrates me, it makes me want to yell. 

And like. Like. My mental health had been SO BAD for ALL THOSE YEARS and all i’ve ever heard was my mom in denial shutting me off everytime i tried to bring it up because “no no because it’d mean you’re crazy and you can’t be crazy” mom i’m telling you i want to kill myself pay fucking attention, or worse, my dad who used my confession to my mom about self harm (that my mom welcomed with fucking “I have more important things to deal with” before snitching to my dad that it was his fault while i didn’t want to tell my dad) tO PUT IT IN COURT and tlel the judge that my mental unstability “caused by my mom” was why he shouldn’t give me allowance and lol i was 15??? And that led my dad to make suicide jokes at my expense to total strangers as i grew up???

And then 4 years ago  when i cut ties with my dad he started to send threats telling me he was going to send doctors from the mental institude against us because we were “dangerous to society because we’re mentally unstable” for thinking he should pay the fucking allowance, and he’s threatening this very thing again now??? 

Meanwhile like even my mom told me that perhaps i should keep low my attempts at therapy because my dad might use it against me and like?? like??? in what fucking world. 

And I think back to those once in a while, those thoughts sneak back into my mind and i’m angry, i’m so angry, i’m so so angry at this past. I want to tear it off i want to remove it I just don’t want it. I am tired of staying up at night reviewing my trauma because my brain finds it funny to remind me that everything went downhill and i’m trying to fix what people had destroyed around me and i wonder why i even bother it’s not like i knew how it was when it wasn’t broken and i don’t see why i have to put this much effort into all of this that shouldn’t have happened to start with. 

and I can see random things and it sets off the spiral down, anything that is a cute tongue and cheek thing about your past can make me remember stupid things that happened and then it’s over for the few hours that follow because i need to review AAAALL of that trauma, including things i have no reason to remember about like my fucking ex. 

And it happens over and over and over again.

I’ve ended up having a rather weird spiral down rn bc when my brain keeps me awake at night i try to focus on learning Japanese so i still stimulate my brain and distract myself from mental breakdown, but it comes with its lots of trauma, like the fact my mom had always been pretty bigoted toward this culture and had always made me feel bad for being curious about it, that i’ve wanted to study it for ever but my mom always killed it in some way or another, that i was made ridicule for it, and hell so did my Dad, he was no better he was just less virulant than her and just more humiliating. My mom was shutting me off and my dad was humiliating me, they made such a goddamn duo (and anyway from the letters i’ve found back from my sister running away that was already their combo kill before, lmao, and they still do that while divorced ofc).

And I was thinking what would be THE event in my life i could change that would have saved me all that trouble? And i think, if my grandmother took me with her when she took my sister away from my family. If i grew up with them what would have happened? 

And I was thinking, geez my mom always told me they were horrible people and i mean the apple can’t have fallen so far from the tree right? Like, how is there any garentee it could have been better except for the fact my sister got a happy life there.

and from all the things I could remember i remembered that they moved away back to the island my mother grew up to that is nearby Japan (which was my mom’s justification for being bigoted), and that for a couple of months when i was 14 where my mom managed to get in contact back with her mother (not allowed to talk back to my sister though and that’s when things turned sour but that’s a whole other can of worms), and for that slight time my grandmother actually talked back to me and was the most encouraging person from my whole family, and she had patrons from Japan so since she knew i was interested she sent me goodies she could find, like a traditional fan i still have, and she was even talking about how my mom and I could move in with them, and that i’d study there and study the language and all and it was already more support than i’ve ever had before which i’ve never realized until now and i started to cry in the kitchen out of nowhere (probably not helping i was making onigiri so it’s the mood i guess)

and like all of this was a lie since a few weeks later she told my mom last minute that we weren’t allowed to approach them anymore since my sister didn’t want to see her anymore (DUH that’s why she ran away) so we had to change our plans last minute and we lost contact and i’ve lost pretty much all interests i had at the time because now i associated it to a sour memory, and i suppose that’s part of the reasons why i hadn’t considered studying Japanese again until pretty recently (that and the fact my mom still found bigoted boyfriends who belittled me for that as well but hey when the shoe fits i guess)

 and i guess this whole spiral down i was thinking, i was told all my life they were horrible people and I don’t know them enough to have judged them, yet in a couple of months i was in contact with them they had shown more support to me than my family ever did. 

And it just... guh.

I feel like ever since i’ve read my sister’s file and that every affection i still had for my family broke, everyday is just a flood of remembering memories i’ve repressed of slight neglects here and there, or things i’ve been in denial about because it couldn’t have been that bad right? 

And I feel like.. the more now i’m trying to be in a better place mentally, and to sieze things I want, the more i remember why i wasn’t doing those to begin with and it’s not just my mental health being bad because of my parents, it was the whole package the problem, i have this sort of trauma on every aspect of my life, there’s not a single thing i can think back without taking it in the lense of feeling betrayed by my family in some regards. 

And hell even to some extend i feel so, so upset that those bounds with my families are things I want to throw out to start with, because I value the principle of legacy, but my family never did and I think back about the fact my parents come from very different and vast cultures that has nothing to do with France (my father is southern italian, my mother is of jewish descendant (as in she herself considers herself atheist and she never passed it down but she was raised in the faith) with her family branches from Algeria and she grew up in tropical islands surrounded by their cultures) and that they always, always specifically made sure i never knew about it until very late, shutting me off of it and then being mad that i don’t know stuff from my father’s side or mad that I get curious about others things in general. 

and i feel misplaced, i feel like this odd number that never got the attention of my parents, that didn’t inherit anything and perhaps it’s better this way, but i’ve been envious all my life of this concept and now i keep thinking and thinking and thinking about what the hell went wrong and there’s nothing in my control, just trying to break the paterns over and over again. (and all of this not helped by the fact it was the same as school for similar reasons, so the problem always felt like a me thing, it takes forever to try to heal from it)

All while also i was the one who took care of all of them, ALL of them, of my mother’s trauma, of my father’s abuse, of my sister projecting her abandons issues on me and my eldest that left such a ghost in our life i have no memory of despite this weigh, all while dealing with life’s problems, school, bullying, my fucking ex, and I had to think about it, i had to take a lot of responsabilities very young to stop my mother from collapsing and to try to stop my father from hurting us, and it comes back, it comes back that i should have never taken this burden to start with, and that all this burden i’ve taken is for a family who had never connected with me, never tried to and always making me feel bad for doing so, and the people i’ve villified all my life as a coping mechanism ends up making me feel a sort of homesickness i don’t even know how to express because i don’t know what it is to have a home that doesn’t hurt and no place of escape was ever actually safe.

And i want to move on, i want to move past that, i’m tired to deal with those ghosts all over and over again, it should never have happened to start with. I am so frustrated of those battles i should never have had to pick, of this responsability i’ve taken, and now between my mom just going on living her life happy go lucky leaving me to fend on my own as if she hadn’t destroyed my life and my father who keeps arguing of how much of a terrible person i am for just asking for the rightfull help my parents owe me, all while also my father keep making me feel guilty about the disconnect i have with my family, about how i’ve cut ties with everyone, that i neglect this heritage i have, so much that the timing leaps over the things i want to focus on now and i grow bitter and bitter and there’s nothing my parents aren’t always poisoning in some way or another. 

I’ve been told all my life to not mimick my eldest, hearing humiliating things about her with the constant threat of “dont be like her” and now i yearn for having understood her back then and having done like her sooner instead of trying all my life to do the extra miles to not hurt my parents again the way she hurt them, while she was right, she was right all along and i’ve villified her all my damn life while she was right and i should have done the same far earlier if i hadn’t been made to feel guilty about having this clear exemple of a way out in front of me.

And i’m tired and i’m tired and i want out i hate this life i hate every single things that brought me to that past and i have no idea what i’m doing with my life nor why i even bother trying to keep walking but i sure as hell need to at least fucking try, if only because i can’t them let win it, if only by spite of wanting to finally cut it all out and them having to live with the fact they’ve destroyed everything they ever touched. 

So the spiral downs and freakout that keep me awake lately are super fun and i fucking love that i just had a breakdown in the kitchen because I just thought about how i was given my eldest sister’s room when she left home and all the things that then followed from me never feeling at home anywhere ever, and that just a single thought about a material thing from my past suddenly brings an avalanche of bad things to remind me of all that repressed memory i refuse to acknowledge.

Im having so much fun on this tuesday night, peace out i’m tired, i’ll blast some music again now.

[lokiarsene]

like yesterday, here's a bullet list of my thoughts for episodes 18~21

thoughts on episode 18:

oh no, it's the beach episode.

-- i really like how they show the way the PT take care of futaba. ren patiently cleaning up her room in between hours at the florist, them playing vidya with her, or just having lunch together in montage moments is very sweet. it makes me wish the anime had much slower pacing, more slice of life-y kind of drama.

-- watching yusuke, ryuji, and futaba lose their freakin minds over good curry is VERY relatable.

-- i still don't understand why ann and makoto thought that a two piece frilly bathing suit was the way to go with futaba. a one piece that she could wear under a long wrap or a hoodie would've made so much more sense... but >male gaze

-- have i told y'all how fucking tired i am of the sexualization of the teenage girls in p5 yet, and how it is one of the several things that fuckin ruined this game for me

have i?

well here it is again

none of the previous games were as bad as this b t w and p4 had one of the dungeons be a STRIP CLUB.

-- yusuke and his lobsters are wonderful.

-- oh god i forgot COMPLETELY about the whole 'mental shutdowns' thing in this game's plot. i think because it's all so pointlessly convoluted. p3 had something similar but even there it was just people turned catatonic for weeks on end when the monthly boss-shadows drew near.

i think the reason i find this so hard to understand is because from p3 to p4 the rules of shadows didn't really change so much. p3 had the persona users go up against shadow bosses; p4 had people confront the shadows within themselves, either accepting them completely (which then turned into persona), or the shadow 'absorbed' the person and ran rampant as a monster. neither of those rules really contradict each other, but in p5 personal shadows for persona users are gone completely, and how you deal with other people's personal shadows doesn't even involve them being present to complete the merge.

mona says that persona users can't have palaces, but persona users in 4 could and DID have 'dungeons' within the shadows' worlds. these dungeons dealt specifically with what was at the core of the shadows' emergence--a deep secret and a hidden truth that caused the shadow to grow, a place that was a replica and a distortion of reality based upon that suppressed truth. so that sure sounds like a fucking palace to me.

so....................... unless there's like, multiple realities folded into our own, and persona users can only access certain ones.................. i'm just super confused.

like, i know it's because the rules change game to game, but p3 to p4 didn't have any contradictions, and p2 didn't contradict anything in p3, either. it just went from a full party of wild card users to a singular one.

-- i'm glad ann's getting a little screentime here. i was just thinking about how other characters' development was lacking after makoto and futaba got so much focus.

-- mona's so sweet to ann ;-; now that he has a human form in p5r, i hope they become really good friends. she needs a kind guy friend that'll be reliable~ plus he makes her laugh.

-- sojiro talking about the anniversary of wakaba's death is......... really interesting........ considering that screenshot of futaba sitting next to a woman with the exact same haircut as her "deceased" mother.

-- ren reassuring mona that he absolutely has to be human, that he will return to who he used to be once they figure out what's happening in the metaverse is jsut jdfklasd

AND HIS LIL ROUND OF APPLAUSE WHEN MONA TALKS ABOUT ALL THE THINGS HE'S GOING TO DO TO KEEP THE WORLD SAFE ;-;

AND THAT SHOT OF HIM SLEEPING CURLED UP ON REN'S STOMACH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

-- listen i know mona isn't rly a cat but he's the BEST cat

thoughts on episode 19:

oh it's the hawaii episode.

-- man what the hell kinda budget do these school's got that they can just go overseas with dozens of students on a yearly basis? that's impressive.

-- ryuji: "whoa, awesome! ..... i don't really get it, but awesome!" fjdsafds okay that got a laugh outta me. good one, ryuji.

-- ren: "i'm excited, too." (said in a monotone) fjklsadsl BLESS THIS BOY

-- ren's FACE when he learns that futaba installed a spying app on his phone and can hear him/see pictures he takes is...... kind of hilarious. especially if you have the headcanon that he and akechi send dumbass snapchats to each other a lot--which i do. and which you do now, too.

-- mona's depression is ten times more sad because he's a cat okay :c why they gotta make the cat so cute

-- ren, ryuji, and ann's lil sleepover is adorable. especially since ann chastises ryuji for not knowing one of the basic rules of a sleepover: if you start talkin' about your crushes, you gotta start with your own~ thems the rules lads

-- rip principal bloatneck.

-- honestly that truck shoulda at least TRIED to stop.

-- "A LO HA." goddammit that's adorable

AND HE GIVES THE LEI NECKLACE TO MONA FJDSKFJDSKL ren you're so SWEET.

-- I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT MONA CALLS SAE "ONEE-NO-NIIJIMA" FJADSKLFJDSKL ahhhh it's so cute.

-- the PT targeting okumura, who is essentially the dave thomas with political ambitions of the persona 5 world, is far funnier now that i phrase it like that.

-- ANN, OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE, SAYING THAT THEY PROBABLY BROUGHT THIS RECENT TROUBLE ON THEMSELVES, IS A FUCKING STUPID WRITING DECISION. I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE DIDN'T LOOK AT THAT AND GO, "ANN WOULDN'T SAY THIS. ANN HAS NO REASON TO SAY IT." god. lmao PLEASe let p5r be a goddamn second draft.

-- mona's totally right that ryuji's just concerned with getting popular and his dick wet. like,,, that's why this argument only made me hate ryuji more than i already did. he gets pissy when mona points out the truth.

god he sucks lmao

I'M SORRY I'M SO SALTY YOU GUYS

LOOK I'LL SAY SOMETHING NICE: SAE AND AKECHI ARE COOL

-- i really like how guarded akechi's face looks in his conversation with sae, and how off his guard he looks when she tells him that she's not going to hold back, especially since the culprit is doing such dire, awful things. he's not exactly surprised, but he's definitely uneasy and shaken by what he hears. which makes me wonder who he’s really concerned for--himself, or for ren (and the PT by extension, but akechi only really seems to care about ren, so).

the reason i like that is because the okumura arc in p5 is really where akechi's mind starts its downward spiral. principal kobayakawa's death obviously rattled him, especially since the only reason the principal died was because shido saw him as useless and disposable, something akechi is desperate NEVER TO BE. and it's that + what happens with okumura that really kicks him over the edge.

i hope p5r will give us the chance to pull him back from it. he deserves a better chance than the game's subpar writing gave to him.

thoughts on episode 20:

-- ren wakes up in a panic because he thinks he sees mona on his bed ;___________;

-- goro snoopin' on the PT's LOUD, TOTALLY CONSPICUOUS conversation in front of okumura foods' HQ is kind of adorable if you remember he clearly loves star wars (HE HAS A LIGHT SABER), and the camera cuts to his face right as they're talking about big bang and outer space lingo.

-- oh, haru. i really wish you were the black mask. that would've been so much cooler--and an actual twist. her total hopeless panic about being a beauty thief could still be a thing (because it is actually endearing), it'd just be an act. but that's me talkin' fix-its again.

-- i really like the scene of haru defending mona to the PT on the rooftop, then cutting to show just how strained her relationship is with her father. she exists to be useful to her father's ambitions and nothing else, and that scene really drove home just how painful that is for her.

-- REN TWIRLS HIS HAIR BETWEEN TWO FINGERS WHEN HE'S DEEP IN THOUGHT. AHHHHHHH I FORGOT HE DID THAT

-- oh hey remember how the game went through the trouble of showing how haru's fiance is a sexist, violent, animal-hurting piece of shit and then promptly failed to actually separate her from him in game (i think you only can do that in her s-link?? the s-link you can barely finish in your first run of the game??), and in t hEN SHOWED HER IN THE CAR WITH HIM LATER, LOOKING HORRIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE?

god this story makes me so fucking mad lmfao STOP PUTTING GIRLS IN PHYSICALLY OR SEXUALLY VIOLENT PERIL AND NEVER ACTUALLY ENSURING THAT THEY'RE SAFE, YOU DAVID CAGE LEVEL OF HACK BULLSHIT WRITERS.

-- ryuji running into the attic, all worried about mona, with a first aid kit, is..... very good. very good and endearing. good on you, ryuji.

-- haru gently encouraging mona to tell the truth is also really good. idk if i just missed it in the game or what, but i really like how she's presented in the anime. she's like a counterpart to ren--soft, sincere, observant, patient, yet she's made of pure steel beneath all that.

thoughts on episode 21:

-- WHY WAS HARU'S GRANDFATHER GIVING COFFEE TO A FIVE YEAR OLD

-- haru, the reason your father's heart grew twisted is thanks to capitalism. you gotta change the heart of capitalism.

-- not to be all poochie here but whenever akechi isn't on screen, all i can ask myself is whERE'S AKECHI?

-- HOW CAN I TAKE THE EVIL DAVE THOMAS SERIOUSLY WHEN HE'S DRESSED LIKE FUCKIN MEGAMIND?

-- okay see this is where i'm thrown completely out of the story or even really liking haru. haru just listened to her dad's shadow saying he would PIMP HER OUT TO HER FIANCE WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT. and she still is just like ~no i want him to go back to being kind~

bitch are you nuts

are you NUTS

youR DAd SHOULD DIE AND YOU'D BE BETTER OFF

CONSIDERING HOW THE GAME GOES, YOU ARe BETTER OFF

god. i'm getting so mad again lmao

-- ren approaching haru to point out that if the truth of her father's crimes comes to light, she'll forever be associated with him (and with all the harm and ruined reputation that brings) is, once again, further reminder of just how... damn good ren is. he doesn't hesitate to speak from the heart nor does he ever fail to listen to someone else speak from theirs.

-- also not for nothing but uh

how did the cops not like

figure out how the PT phan-site was set up within the first few months and track it down to mishima? was that ever addressed at all?

-- honestly another reason why i get so fucking mad about this okumura stuff is the game goes SO FAR OUT OF ITS WAY to make you feel BAD that he died, when he was by all rights a fucking shitheel monster, yet when akechi dies it's like 'oh well. that sucked.' fuck off, atlus. the death of a greedy, heartless CEO isn't more sad just because his gaslit daughter is conditioned to be sad about it.

i understand that a large part of the shock after okumura's death is because the PT don't know if they did anything wrong. but okumura was in no way a good person. he was in no way a person whose redemption overruled all the hurt and harm he did. that has been the case for EVERY PT target before this, so why the fuck is okumura suddenly so different? why SHOULD he be?

the difference between him and, say, akechi is that okumura et. al. all made those choices on their own to do terrible things. they delighted in it, they enjoyed it. but akechi, much like futaba, was forced into a cycle of self-destruction--it’s just that in futaba’s case, her self-destruction targeted herself, and akechi’s was quite literally weaponized and used against others. he approached shido as a young teenager and was then used by him for years.

a teenage boy being used as a magical hitman by his shitlord father is far more deserving of sympathy and redemption than grown adults who willingly make the decision to harm, abuse, and prey on others. but no, the game didn’t want to do that.

this is another big problem i have with p5's second and third acts: it's so tonally dissonant and sloppy. it's like they didn't try to actually be as rebellious and hellraiser-y as the first act WANTED to be, and it all ends up being such a limp-dick shriveled mess of "let's fight against this rotten society!! ......... as long as it in no way actually upsets anyone or does any REAL change." fuck off lmao

that's not me even commenting on the "twist" and how it needed to be explained MULTIPLE TIMES to the player for it to make any sense.

and it still doesn't make sense to me btw.

so that's another thing i hope p5r fixes.

-- rip evil dave thomas megamind.

-- akechi floating the idea to sae that the phantom thieves had nothing to do with okmura’s death is............................ interesting.

[i-write-hurt-not-comfort]

oh man oh fuck can i get elleo for the relationship asks??

anon i love you.

OK but this post is long as heck so imma put it under a cut.

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? Elliot. Leo throws stuff first,then he raises his voice. Who threatens to leave but never actually does?Elliot. He’d never leave. Who actually keeps their word and leaves?Leo. Who trashes the house?Leo. Do either of them get physical?Not like, fist-to-fist directly, but as I said, Leo will throw stuff, andif it hits Elliot, it’ll hurt.How often do they argue/disagree?Literally every day.Who is the first to apologise?Elliot. Almost always. Leo considers apologising, and sometimes apologisesfirst if he thinks he’s been unreasonable. But usually Elliot is first.

Sex:

Who is on top?Depends. I’d say primarily Elliot,but if Leo wants to top, Elliot doesn’t stand a chance. Who is on the bottom?Answered above. Who has the strangest desires?Leo. He has wild fantasies. Sometimes Elliot does too, but he will alwayskeep them to himself. Any kinks?Am I allowed to say piss. Probably no major ones, but maybe they’vegot a little dom/sub thing going on sometimes. Oh, and I always picture Leo indresses. Who’s dominant in bed?Leo. I don’t know why, but I can picture it as like a contrast to the wholemaster/valet relationship they have. I feel like Elliot would like lettinghimself be dominated by Leo.Is head ever in the equation?Yes. A lot. If so, who is better at performing it?Hm… I’d say Leo can give it better, but he prefers receiving. Ever had sex in public?Yes, probably. At some point. If someone can think of a scenario for this, pleasedo enlighten me. Who moans the most?Elliot.Who leaves the most marks?Both equal I’d say, but Leo is more likely to leave them in obvious places justto embarrass Elliot. Who screams the loudest?Elliot. Who is the more experienced of the two?Leo and I don’t know why. Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?Depends. Usually ‘make love’ I’d say, but if it’s make-up sex (which wouldbe frequent because they argue a lot) then fuck’.Rough or soft?Pretty much the same answer as above, but I reckon they’re rougher when Leotops. How long do they usually last?I’m going to be generous and say like, 15 to 20 minutes. Yes, it’s verymuch possible. Believe me. Is protection used?Elliot insists most of the time. Good boi; protecc is good.Does it ever get boring?No. Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? Somewhere in public probably, like a club bathroom (oddly specific).

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children?Honestly, I doubt it. If so, how many children do your muses want/have?Assuming they did, only one or possibly two. Definitely no more than two. Who is the favorite parent?Elliot, because Leo ignores them most of the time lmao. But Leo is cutewith them when he does spend time with them. Who is the authoritative parent?Once again Elliot, but Leo can put them in line faster. We all saw how he wasaround his siblings at the orphanage. Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school?Neither. Their kids are going to school every single day unless they’repuking out of both ends. Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around?Leo. Elliot is the Protective Mom. Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support theirchildren?Elliot, and only ever Leo if Elliot drags him. Who goes to parent teacher interviews?Both. And Leo likes to make jokes about their kids and concern the teacherslightly, and Elliot gets very embarrassed. Who changes the diapers?Elliot. Leo will not touch them. Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby?Elliot. Who spends the most time with the children?Probably Elliot, although the kids remind Leo of his siblings at the Houseof Fianna, so he tries to spend time with them. Who packs their lunch boxes?Elliot. Who gives their children ‘the talk’?Leo. 100% Leo. And he’s so casual about it. Who cleans up after the kids?Elliot. Who worries the most?Leo, because he saw too many of his siblings to the House of Fianna die. Sothe moment they have a like a tiny fever or smthn, or literally anything, heimmediately enters panic mode. Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from?Leo.

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle?I can picture Leo being clingy whenit comes to this thing. Who is the little spoon?Leo. Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?Leo. Elliot’s more likely to get horny in awkward places, but Leo notices.And Leo acts. Who struggles to keep their hands to themself?  Leo. How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?Hours. Literally. And they won’t really become uncomfortable, Leo will justget bored and go read. Who gives the most kisses?I’d say it’s pretty equal. What is their favourite non-sexual activity?Playing piano duets. Where is their favourite place to cuddle?The sofa. They often fall asleep there. Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? Leo because Elliot gets so damn flustered. How often do they get time to themselves?Quite often. Leo isolates himself to read a lot.

Sleeping:

Who snores?Both, depending on the occasion. If both do, who snores the loudest?Elliot. Do they share a bed or sleep separately?100% share. If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?They start by cosying up, but then they get annoyed by it and move apart. Who talks in their sleep?I can imagine them both doing that lmao. What do they wear to bed?Normal pyjamas. In winter, they’re excessively fluffy. Are either of your muses insomniacs?Leo. Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?Elliot probably bought them for Leo, but Leo will only take them when heactually wants to sleep. Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?They wrap around each other “accidently.”Who wakes up with bed hair?Leo. Who wakes up first?Elliot. Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?Elliot, unless it’s after sex. Then Leo makes breakfast. What is their favourite sleeping position?Leo tucked into Elliot’s body, Elliot’s arms wrapped around him with hisfingers running through his hair, trying to help him sleep. Who hogs the sheets?Leo. Do they set an alarm each night?Yes, because Elliot gets overly cautious, but he usually wakes up before itanyway. Can a television be found in their bedroom?No, just a ton of books. Who has nightmares?Both. Who has ridiculous dreams?Both, but Leo’s are stranger. Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? Leo, even though he’s a Smol Boi. Who makes the bed? Elliot. What time is bed time? For Elliot, about 11pm. For Leo, when he passes out from reading, or Elliotwakes up halfway through the night and tells him to get his ass to sleep. Any routines/rituals before bed?Elliot tells Leo to stop reading. Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Leo. He’s grumpy when he’stired and he’s tired virtually every morning.

Work:

Who is the busiest?Elliot. Who rakes in the highest income?Elliot. Are any of your muses unemployed?Possibly Leo. I can only picture him having a part time job. Who takes the most sick days?Leo. Who is more likely to turn up late to work?Leo. Who sucks up to their boss?Elliot. What are their jobs?Elliot either does something in management, or something in likejournalism. Leo probably works part time at a book store or library. Who stresses the most?Elliot. Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?Leo likes his job because he gets to be surrounded by books all day. Elliot’sjob has its ups and downs, so overall, he’s mutual. Are your muses financially stable? Yes, mostly. And then Leo spends an excessive amount of money on books.

Home:

Who does the washing?Elliot. Who takes out the trash?Elliot. Who does the ironing?Elliot. Who does the cooking?Both can, and in general, Leo’s a better cook, but Leo also is lazy. Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?Leo. Who is messier? Leo. Who leaves the toilet roll empty?Leo. Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?Leo. Who forgets to flush the toilet?Leo. Who is the prankster around the house?Leo. Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?Both of them have done this multiple times. Who mows the lawn?Elliot. Who answers the telephone?Elliot; Leo can’t be trusted to do this without saying something stupid tosomeone important. Who does the vacuuming?Elliot. Who does the groceries?Elliot. Who takes the longest to shower?Leo. He’s that person who brings a book in the shower. Who spends the most time in the bathroom?Leo. He brings a book in the bathroom.

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem?Not really, but they can both beimpulsive spenders sometimes. How many cars do they own?Probably only one. Leo has written off multiple though (he’s not a good driver).Do they own their home or do they rent?Own. Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside?Closer to the countryside. Do they live in the city or in the country? The outskirts of the city. Do they enjoy their surroundings?Yeah, although I think Leo would prefer it slightly more tranquil. What’s their song?Reminiscent by Yiruma. It’s a beautiful piece and I think it really speaksfor them, especially as a couple. What do they do when they’re away from each other?Leo reads, Elliot with read or listen to music. Where did they first meet?If we’re talking an AU, I reckon in high school. How did they first meet?Probably something like being grouped together. They hated each other atfirst. Who spends the most money when out shopping?Leo. The trolley ends up filled with books.Who’s more likely to flash their assets?Both, depending on context. Who finds it amusing when the other trips over?Leo. If Elliot laughed at Leo, it would not be pretty. Any mental issues?I think, as well as the insomnia, Leo could potentially be dealing withsome sort of anxiety disorder. Who’s terrified of bugs?Elliot. Who kills the spiders around the house?Leo puts them outside, but he won’t kill them. Their favourite place?The room with the piano. Who pays the bills?Elliot. Do they have any fears for their future?The other dying. Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?Elliot. Who uses up all of the hot water? Leo.Who’s the tallest?Elliot. Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?Leo. Who wanders around in their underwear?Leo. Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?Leo, but only because he knows it pisses Elliot off. What do they tease each other about?Elliot teases Leo about his height, and gets a book thrown at him. Leo teasesElliot about the fact he gets flustered about everything. Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?Elliot, because Leo has the fashion sense of a potato. Do they have mutual friends?Yes. But Elliot has more friends from work who Leo doesn’t know. Who crushed first? Elliot. Any alcohol or substance related problems?Woah, I am really not theperson to ask this. OK BUT HERE ME OUT. I think both of them have addictivepersonalities, based on how reliant they become on each other. I’m not saying there’sa direct correlation, but I can imagine they’d both form attachments for substances.However, based on status and circumstance, I’d say it’s unlikely Elliot would beaddicted to anything, spare possibly cigarettes, because I can genuinelyimagine that. As for Leo, I think he could potentially have substance relatedproblems with weed, or maybe prescription painkillers. Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?Leo, although Elliot has done before as well. Who swears the most?Both of them swear equally as much.