#i am hiding my symptoms!!! just so im safe!!!!

[thestarseersystem]

I just don't understand WHY all videos on DID has to be educational. Most of mine just weren't. Especially on tiktok, my videos were for fun. Lets separate entertainment from education and understand that not everything has to be about teaching other people.

Like, why are systems set to a higher standard than singlets in terms of this? Why are we being paraded around as the end all be all of our disorder??

It's just frustrating that we're not allowed to be normal people, but we have to be educators, teachers, we have to be accurate and concise and right all the time.

It's just not fair. Unless a video directly states that it's for educational purposes, don't assume it's going to be the most reliable source of information. When especially that person has unreliable memory/inconsistent identity disorder.

Also use common sense. Use contextual clues. Have some critical thinking skills. Not every video about DID that is not educational is inherently wrong or sensationalizing. It's likely they just thought of a fun thing and wanted to share it with other people.

[growling]

*average self-proclaimed safe space tumblr blog voice* I soooooo support people with schizophrenia that must be so hard to you anyway I just saw some weird looking woman talking to herself right outside my house im fearing for my life should I call the cops. Yeah dude I support all the adhd havers in the chat just try to pay attention when I talk to you it's not that hard it's like the least you could do to show some regard for the other human being in front of you. Like it's fine to have memory problems but why did you forget this one thing in particular that was important to me do you like not care or anything you should try harder. I am one of the only real mental health advocates to still exist in this world I hear your struggles that being said I hope I never get to meet one of those irl sociopaths or people with aspd whatever they call them now they're so freaky and they can blend into society so well you might never know if you're actually face to face with an actual socio i mean person with aspd in the store absolutely one of my biggest fears what if they torture me in their basement. I absolutely empathize with all the people in here suffering from delusions as long as they like, don't actually show it or have one concerning me that'd be highkey uncomfy leave me out of this dude im not talking to you until you get help, anyway my fav character from my anime just presumably died but i still think they actually survived im sooo delulu lol. We should push for more wheelchair accessibility in our cities I agree but like it's so difficult to tell how many people are actually disabled and who are actually faking it, like, ummm why did that "wheelchair" "user" guy stand up just now cover blown lmaoo…. Yeah I support people with facial differences but I still have a right to be disgusted you can't control my emotions anyway can you tag your selfies as #body horror this deeply triggering to me. Speaking of triggering can you also pleaseee hide your scars or at least warn us beforehand jesus do you know how many people genuinely do not want to see it. Here is my extremely fast strobing lights and flashing gifset #epilepsy. Yeah I loveee girls with bpd beautiful princess disorder am i right they're so interesting the stigma sucksssss i'd love to get to be one's favourite person as long as they don't actually have any of those weird or violent symptoms or don't go into any of their "episodes" near me like that's a bit dramatic….. I deeply feel for those who had underwent narcissistic abuse from the hands of an npd I think my shitty ex boyfriend was a narcissist too tbh #surviving narcissism here are 10 signs you are dealing with a narcissist and here's a tutorial on how to trigger a narc crash to epically own them anyway does anyone else think we should start enforcing mandatory castration of all the newly diagnosed narcs like you know what happens when they reproduce right. But I am willing to support them as long as they go to therapy to get that fixed it's just you know. Anyway sometimes hospitalisation is fine if they're genuinely a danger to themselves like what do you want them to go live on the streets or actually get help?? I support all the people dealing with being a professionally diagnosed disordered system and I think it's sooooo terrible how literally 99% of the youth population nowadays is purposefully faking it for attention I did my research (1 minute google search, 2 minute r/fakedisordercringe scrolling session and consulting a single system that agrees with me). It's just not believable to me that there's really that many people with it isn't it supposed to be rare… Also are we really sure all those alleged people in their heads are really real or just their imagination maybe all of them are actually faking it huh food for thought. I am very uncomfortable with nonverbal high support needs ppl actually having sex like consent is supposed to be explicitly verbal only and, are we really sure they can even consent arent they like basically children. You can't call me ableist I'm literally autistic

[angiethewitch]

So, I'm also mentally ill, and I really don't understand why you think it violates your personal rights for you to be held accountable for taking the medication that keeps you stable, safe, and functional.

Do you think you should be allowed to act inappropriately because of your illness? Do you think you should be allowed to possibly hurt yourself and others? Do you have delusions about the healthcare system or medication? Do you dislike being stable or lucid? Like, why do you think that it's okay to neglect your mental health conditions and make people around you feel concerned or scared for your safety? Do you think that people shouldn't take meds in general, or just you?

Personally I enjoy being stable and healthy and I don't understand why you want to put yourself and others through distress. It seems like internalized ableism mixed with self harm tbh. I hope you get better someday and learn to love yourself when you're stable instead of hiding in your psychosis and hurting yourself and others.

it's actually ableist to come and assume that I'm violent and unsafe simply because im schizophrenic. ive been off my antipsychotics for nearly 2 years now, under the supervision of my doctor and psychologist, I have no such delusions about the healthcare system - once again, it is ableist for you to say a schizophrenic MUST be delusional for not wanting to go on medication. it is ableist for you to assume I MUST be a danger to myself or others because I am schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to come in here and be so fucking condescending, explaining things to the obviously insane schizophrenic. it is ableist of you to say I MUST not be stable or lucid. it is ableist of you to say I MUST be acting inappropriately. bro im just in fucking work. it is ableist of you to say i MUST be neglecting my mental health when I'm not on medication when I thought it was widely understood that medication is not the only answer.

I am not in distress and I do not cause distress. you've completely misunderstood my stance, just because medication works for you does not mean it works for everyone. my stance is that it violates bodily autonomy to force medication down my throat or strap me down and inject me with medication I did not consent to taking. either you did not understand that or you don't care, and you think people with mental illnesses should be stripped of their autonomy.

absolutely nobody is scared for my safety. I was discharged from the psychosis intervention services with my psychologist saying he feels incredibly positive about my recovery. I am a supervisor in charge of a team of people in my work and im on my way to a management position. for the record, I may still have periods of instability, but therapy and learning healthy coping mechanisms has been far more helpful than 5 years of a medication that gave me amnesia. and the medication didn't even stop the symptoms, they just put me in a chemical straitjacket.

how dare you come in to my inbox and spew ableism and assume things about me. get off my blog.

[plushipaws]

I don't think im meant to host. Once our system found alastor (and kinda rebuilt him from the three alters he split into) he has been fronting most of the time and it felt natrual. I became his advisor the way other alters are usually mine. A lot of childhood memories are his. Sometimes hosts do just change over time but as soon as he started doing it again it was like. Oh thank god this is how it was meant to be.

I do think I have existed a long time and fronted even as a child but I think it was mostly him and I would advise him from the back seat the way many alters have done to me later. I think I was created for the advisor role and just had to become the host bc Alastor has very strong NPD and BPD traits (so i beleive whole system is NPD and BPD) that I was good at masking and we had to mask it. I think thats why plushi especially is kinda entirely preoccupied with being cute, non threatening, friendly, and not having needs of its own and existing to always be happy. Creature is focused on being a empathetic listener, helpful and solve peoples problems, and holding depression. We always felt like... kind of empty like, something missing, we should have more personality. I think we are smaller fragments and more specific role focused than we thought, oriented to survive abuse situations. We felt missing a person who we should be, and I think that was us subconsciously missing Alastor hosting.

Trauma caused Alastor him to split into more alters (he still is not a fusion of everyone he was but I think the others are ok being seperate and he likes how he is now) so we couldnt really find him until healing allow him to come together again, and the situation is safe enough I dont need to protect him anymore. We also accept our NPD and BPD and know how to cope with it enough to let him out and allow him to express symptoms in healthy ways.

Im still an active alter and will be around, though the two alters I am (i am a subsystem) switch who is awake more and my personality shifts depending on that, and its not been super plushi lately so it feels weird having this be our main, lol. But plushi will definitely be back, it was a lot of fun being paw and I know paw is still here. Just weird to go from plushi hosting to. There hasnt been a plushi around these parts in 30 days :0

We hope our friends and mutuals will like Alastor too since he will be fronting mostly and we will be around less as we switch to him hosting. He doesn't act quite like me though since I exist basically to hide him so if you don't we understand; he is a lot more openly narcissistic and low empathy which we know not everyone vibes with. (Hes also very openly flirty and kinky which may also put folks off but he understands boundaries and is Normal about them). Though we think we will be a prominent alter and still avalible often, but we don't want to host anymore. We did it for years and we weren't supposed to have to.

Don't worry we aren't going anywhere! We still front often but it used to be like... us usually and then maybe for 3 days tops another alter comes before defaulting to us, and now we may come for three days tops and default to Alastor. And my system members can post and talk online when awake even if not fronting. But Alastor's blog is definitely the most active hub for us rn.

Alastor is @radiostaticsmile

Thanks for reading

[homo-rashi]

personal vent post TW CPTSD, Sick Animals, blood, Death,

long story short, I took care off a sick family pet for multiple years, they were very, very sick and it was very overwhelming for me. I was by myself due to covid lockdown most of the time and it was just me and the sick animal. I was in my late teens during this whole ordeal, but its normal to live alone in my country for attend high school in different towns.

I loved this pet so much, but they were pooping blood at an uncontroableness but they were still happy and eating and fine in every other aspect until they passed...that being said, they were about 80lbs. a large pet and they were in my bed most of the time and I couldnt move them by myseld. (im skinny and not very strong)

due to laundry services being closed in my country to covid, I couldnt due laundry and was often sleeping for days on end in blankets covever in blood and liquid poop from my pet. I would find one clean spot and cover myself up with it. I would spray a sink cloth with cologne and press it too my nose so i could sleep because it smelled so bad.

this was my life from just before covid lockdown to late 2022. I was living hell. I would often times find myself hiding in my closet away from my pet (they were safe and didn't need constant care) with my hands over my ears because they would cry if they were along and hearing them cry made me shake, I was terrified. I didn't want them to pass, but I couldn't take taking care of them at times. It was traumatizing.

I have a new pet now who is older and not always in the greatest health and whenever she gets sick, I go back to that place, how I was in lockdown. I freeze, I cry, I cant stop myself from shaking and I often throw up because of how afraid I am of being around a sick animal or any of my animals being sick again.

I think I have either PTSD or CPTSD from the entire expirence but I feel stupid because when youre googleing symptoms of CPTSD, is states its a response to thinks like years off sexual or physical abuse...so me being this...messed up over a sick animal? I dont know I just feel like i'm faking it but, i'm not.

does anyone have any expirence with trauma around animals? pls talk to me.

[tactiletelekonesis]

gonna just ramble my thoughts for a bit

i was talking about how ive been asked to be evaluated for bpd in the past and got told by the doctor that i “dont want that stigma” and shut down before i could decide for myself if its worth it, and the person i was telling this to said they think i dont have it and like.

im kind of mad.

because im still getting to know this person and the more i think on it the more i know i at least have things that mimic the symptoms

and being told “i can tell you dont have it” feels like its diminishing the fact that i worry i do

and dont get me wrong i know the symptoms can be caused by other things but i would still like to know

and like the reason im thinking this is just… dirk strider from homestuck. ive been seeing people say hes textbook DID and i GET IT, i do, but i also really see bpd in him more. and i also see myself in him, though i dont have DID

i see his splinters and lil hal specifically as like. i can see how hal would be an alter, but lets not focus on that. hal is the epitome of a version of dirks self that he gets aggravated with, probably even hates because it reminds him of who he used to be, and to some extent whi he currently is.

if you look at the symptoms of bpd on mayo clinic, i could argue for all of them in dirk - and myself

and like. ive fucked up so many relationships because a flip switches in my head and im convinced they hate me or dont care, and people dont see that BECAUSE I FUCKING HIDE IT

I HID MY AUTISM FROM MYSELF AND OTHERS FOR 19 YEARS. MY PSYCHOSIS FOR 27. whos to say i havent been hiding bpd from people?

i already have dependent personality disorder but if you have one personality disorder youre more likely to have more

the reason people dont believe my struggles is i mask automatically and suffer inside because i dont know how to talk about how im suffering or even explain whats a mask and whats not

i keep going back to the time i was told “youre incapable of being mean” and the visceral reaction of wrongness i felt because i shut myself down so fucking much because the idea of upsetting others is so goddamn terrifying yet until i was 19 i would purposely make lists in my head of actual ways to ruin my friendships of i wanted to. like i would make full lists. just cataloguing all their insecurities so i could weaponize them. i never did because when i admitted to doing this when i felt safe i was told that was a dick move. and theyre right but it still fucking hurt because i dont do it on purpose. i dont.

im currently losing two of my best friends because my brain wont let me fucking talk to them because im simultaneously afraid theyre mad, and mad at them myself, and im sabotaging myself by not talking to them at all

i literally swing from thinking im worthless to thinking im a literal celestial being. i dissociate all the god damn time. im so fucking angry every second of my life

i would go into more detail about other symptoms but im making myself sad.

i dont care about the stigma i want validation for these symptoms and acknowledgement that i am extremely mentally ill at times and i just

i know they meant well but being told im not bpd by a newer friend who im still opening up to is frustrating. youre not my doctor, youre not me. how would you know? my doctor doesnt even know all my experiences because i dont know how to talk about them

im not sure if its the 4am talking or the stress from the roommate situation but like im thinking about bpd again. i think its worth looking into

anyway i cant believe im turning into a dirk kinnie but im not complaining

[edgybutnotveryedgy]

So something ive been noticing since reducing my fructan intake, as well as better managing my ibs symptoms is that my skin seems to really be clearing up. Like i do still have acne in places acne shouldn't be, but compared to 2 and even just 1 year ago, my skin really has improved. Namely i'd say my skin is actually healing properly. This is kinda huge because my skin (specifically on my arms and legs) just wouldn't heal, so i had ugly marks all over that i felt like i constantly needed to hide. Of course my anxiety was turning that into something much much worse as well (constantly picking etc even without realizing i was doing it).

I think in general the thing that has really made the biggest difference though is getting into cooking and baking. The biggest downside to going without fructans was that it felt worse than just going gluten free. At least when i was gluten free i could still eat yummy food like chicken alfredo cauliflower pizza (my love) or other yummy things filled with seasonings like garlic and onions and beans and brussel sprouts and broccoli (they taste so good roasted. Cartoons lied when i was a kid) and so many other good foods that I can't eat any more. Suddenly i couldn't go out to eat any more because everything was filled with garlic and onion. It got to the point where i even got really depressed because i couldn't eat anything good and i accidentally lost 10 pounds within 9 months. (this sounds like the opposite of a problem but this was unplanned and also I'm already pretty skinny so for me 10 pounds is a lot).

Then out of frustration and rage i decided that enough was enough and i wanted to eat good food again, without feeling like i was going to explode from the bloating. 2 great things I've noticed coming from this is first of all my weight has regulated, and second im not trying to scratch my skin off as much any more. Like it's still a problem, but it's much better in general. I'd attribute this to multiple things, specifically because i have had to declaw myself in the name of cooking and baking. I don't want yucky bacteria hiding under my nails to get into the food I'm making, nor do i want to find food under my nails when i go to bed. Also equally important, it's given me something to do with my hands. As long as my hands are occupied, the desire to pick is greatly reduced.

Another majorly important factor in all this i'd say is that it gives me something to look forward to. I find that it's really fun to cook, and trying new ingredients that I've never tried is always an adventure. Even if the food turns out disgusting, instead of feeling bad about it, my brain instantly goes into problem solving mode to think of what i can do next time. And best of all, when i am successful i have something yummy and new to try that i can safely eat.

Of course i do still feel like I've got a long way to go, not only in improving my health and myself as a person, but in improving my mental health. That being said, this whole experience has done wonders for me personally, and it helps me to feel like i can do it, and i don't have to suffer the whole time doing it.

[qumiiiquinnquin]

i intentionally hide my symptoms of mental illness around you

do you know why

its because i know you will hurt me again if i ever show them again

its because i know you will go back to being physical with me when i frustrate you too much. you'll grab my hands and force them together in a tight grip or you'll slam them against a surface. and you'll raise your voice or yell at me. and you'll think that's the only way that you can snap me out of it. to you there's just no other way to appropriately handle it

its because i know you will once again tell me force-feeding myself is one of the ways i can recover. and you threatened to do it to me once

its because i know you will forcefully drag me out of my hiding place again. you picked me up and carried me out of there. and you proceeded to yell at me. you ignored me saying I wanted to be alone. it looked like you were quickly glancing around the room for something to hit me with. i no longer have a safe space. i force myself to keep from crying around you, and when alone i try to do it as silently as possible

its because i know you will become aggressive towards me again. making annoyed sounds around me, purposefully within earshot, each time you pass me while im having a depressive episode. throwing things at me instead of handing it to me. doing things for me because you think im purposefully refusing to do it myself. sternly saying my name, very quickly escalating to the point of yelling at me if i dont respond the first time. avoiding me and refusing to talk to me or talk to anyone about me

its because i know you will tell me how terrible im being to everyone. telling me im treating people like a disease. telling me im the reason why this family is falling apart. telling me everyone's behavior towards me is justified

its because i know you refuse to believe that i am mentally ill. you think that, and have told me that, im using mental illness as an excuse. you think that im really fine, but purposefully acting the way i am. you purposely change the subject when i talk about my anxieties and depression and my psychiatry appointments. one day, when i had a mental breakdown and was tired of your bullshit and finally snapped at you, you separated yourself from me and refused to talk to me. i apologized and tried to explain, but you refused to listen

you keep claiming you're here for me. but then you dont want to listen to me. you change the subject. you completely ignore me. you get easily frustrated at me and eventually tell me to get over it. that its not that serious. that im overreacting about little things. that i "always do this"

you demand me to tell you whats wrong. but i know you'll treat it like its nothing serious. that its my problem and my problem alone, and i formulated something stupid in my head to the point of overreacting. and ive told you what's bothered me before. you told me "you need to get over it"

you keep saying you always feel bad whenever you "have to" raise your voice or yell at me or become physical with me. yet it keeps happening every time i display symptoms or have an episode

ive had to explain to you so many times. and each time i hope you'll stop treating me like this. the psychiatrist even told you about my attempt. yet this still goes on. and you refused to listen each time

why were you not like this back when i first displayed symptoms of severe depression? you even stopped me from thinking about committing and running away. you brought in your plush and let me cry on it. im still living for you. and for everyone.

but you're making me want to give up.

[mccnstruck]

hey i need some advice

recently ive been trying to research more about adhd and other things because i genuinely think i might have it and i want to go to a doctor even if they say i dont have it so that i can like, get closure

but i am a minor, and being in a immigrant family, it seems like "mental health is real except when it comes to us". ive asked my mom around 2 years ago that i might have adhd but not only did she laugh at me, when i asked my doctor she also laughed at me and told me "i probably searched up symptoms on google". ive been really hesitant to bring it up again and its gotten worse

ive been crying because with assignments even though i had hours to complete it, even without screens i would just, stare into my computer and nothing would get done, or i start cleaning my room. my friends call me "the master of procrastination" and i laugh yet i know i can do so much better. i live in my daydreams atp, and my friends don't expect a response from me because i dont reply in hours. yet i still can't bring myself to reply to texts because of this sudden freeze that stops me from doing anything. i have plenty more experiences but i dont have the energy to type every single one.

another problem is the question of adhd in childhood. i don't remember a lot of my habits or any of my work ethic from elementary but i remember hiding a lot of my mistakes from my parents so they can't be reliable sources for this question.

i have imposter syndrome for a lot of things i do and that includes talking about adhd for me because i feel like im faking everything to get attetion and i dont know what to do at this point

my only hope is to talk to my school counselor and ask for the school psychologist but

1. they say they're confidential but im scared if they talk to my parents all of my efforts in trying to figure out anything is gone, and they become more stricter.

2. where i go to school it is so "taboo" to talk to the counselor about your feelings, so i dont have a class where i can ask to go to the counselor without any of my friends asking me what i was doing.

i know this is a hopeless situation but if anyone has any information on anything, i'm all ears.

thank you for reading this and stay safe :)

[fecundaratis]

i dont wanna write creatively about it today.

today, i just feel sad and empty.

for the last month or so, ive been having panic attacks. not every day, a few times a week at most i think. every other day maybe.

my whole body tenses up. i shrink myself as small as i can. my neck and shoulders are killing me. i dont even realize its happening.

my partner notices something off. asks if im ok. if i want a hug. and i freeze and start panicking. no, dont, dont you fucking touch me. get away. im holding my breath for minutes at a time, completely unaware that im even doing it. they tell me to breathe and it just makes me angrier. im pissed off that theyre trying to help me. pissed off that they noticed something was wrong. when they walk towards me slowly, like theyre trying to calm a feral neighborhood cat, i get this instinct to run as fast as i can. to hide. to become invisible until they stop looking for me. instinctively, i feel that once they stop looking for me, it will be safe to come out.

but i never do that. because they arent so pushy as to make me finally take that step. they tell me gently to take deep breaths. but trying to regulate my breathing just makes me hyperventilate. my lungs are sore from holding my breath for so long.

after it passes, my whole body hurts. i feel like ive run a marathon, i feel like ive lifted up a car. im exhausted and i ache so much that i can barely move.

lately, i dont leave the house to do errands with my partner. when i think about what makes me so anxious to leave, i think about people seeing me. not even speaking to me, or attacking me, or getting hit by a car or a mass shooting, i dont think about all of the things that would almost be reasonable to be afraid of. i just think about being seen.

i am terrified to my bones of being looked at right now. i feel like being acknowledged is the worst thing that can happen to me. when i think about my loved ones seeing me, my siblings or my parents or grandparents or friends, i worry theyll see that somethings wrong just as easily as my partner does.

my thoughts are so constant, so quick that they feel like tv static inside my head. thoughts so numerous and constant that it almost feels like im not thinking at all.

im trying not to. but im distancing myself from people i care about. when they try to take care of me, i want to fight them. i want to yell at them to leave me alone. i get so mad that it scares me.

im so worried about what will happen when people care about me, but i also feel betrayed when they dont. almost like, im suffering so prettily, dont you see it? i put all this effort to be perfectly tragic and you dont even notice. you arent even grateful for how i suffer. as if im doing it for them.

im terrified of what this means for me. if my symptoms are real, or if theyre just desperate bids for attention. a 15 year old pretending to be depressed for attention is sad, but im 31. now its just pathetic.

i told my partner eariler, "i dont like when you humor my delusions." they told me, "you think so many fundamental truths about yourself are delusions."

when i think about the possibility that my problems are real, i feel cold terror in my gut. like being afraid of getting caught doing something bad. when i think about maybe ive lied about every bad thing thats ever happened to me, i feel something like relief. maybe ive lied so much, that i dont even know what the truth is anymore. or how to tell it. maybe ive lied so much ive completely convinced even myself that those lies are true.

when i tell my partner these thoughts, they tell me "you include details that someone lying about these things wouldnt think to include. you leave out details that someone who was lying would add to aid the deception." they insist that they can tell im not lying about any of this. they tell me that there are things about me that retroactively made sense after i disclosed some of my history.

a part of my brain hisses out that theyre blinded by love for me. that the possibility that they couldve fallen in love with someone who was so deceitful is so harrowing for them, that they ignore the clear truth: that i am someone who lies for attention and pity.

that part is so loud sometimes. a part of my brain is so loud and verbally abusive that i cannot cope with it. i dont know if its my conscience or a coping mechanism.

im so tired. i just want to know what is real

[obscenitymoving]

(anon who asked about how you found out you had szpd, again)

would you be able to describe what the 'split' in schizoid pd is like for you, personally? and would you believe it is generally the same among all schizoids or can their personal interpretations of the split vary depending on who they are?

in addition, i'm having trouble telling how to differ between szpd symptoms and personality traits and ways of being as a person, since i presume schizoids' experiences will vary as they're all their own people, too. i'm unsure whether you'd be able to explain this for me? that may seem peculiar and i know you're not the SzpdTM Authority pfff but you're the first person i found to ask

i ask this as someone who is wondering whether they have szpd but who has a Loooot of issues in dealing with figuring that out (plus doubt is not fun when you have ocd and obsessively intrusive thoughts that revolve around trauma conditioned mindsets that are contrary to accepting and understanding myself in relation to the pd, let me say that...) so i just figured i'd send another ask ^_^ once again your answers and time are appreciated!

hi again. i have to assume it can be similar between other schizoids as much as it can be different but since i literally do not know anyone else whos schizoid i really dont have much to compare my own experience to. my own experience is much like how it was discussed in the post i linked before. my "inner" world is very very rich, i cannot tell you just how much time i spend immersed inside my self where it is considered "safe". even as a kid i thought i was just a 'maladaptive daydreamer' but its since evolved way past that. like, to a point where i cannot imagine a world in which i dont rely on my inner machinations. mostly i can just describe it as making ocs and literally focusing on their world almost 24/7. its a "safe" situation which i can entirely control. i dont think i can go even an hour without retreating back into that world, even when im entirely alone and theres nothing to "hide" from so to speak. where on the other hand the way i present myself to other people is very stereotypical. ive been called a robot and the like. i lack empathy and i never reach out to people first. im not entirely stoic, mostly because i dont think any person can truly be entirely emotionless, but id describe the feelings as very fleeting, at least for the outside world. i get over arguments very quickly because its simply not in my nature to be angry for very long. when i do cry (which is very very rare for me even in the safety of my room) its for 5 minutes at most and i immediately "get over it". my joy feels more like instant gratification instead of something lasting.

i cannot really tell you just how much of who i am is because im a schizoid or if its just my normal personality i wouldve had regardless. mostly because i think just in the way schizoid forms it makes it very difficult for us to hold onto a certain identity. i mean we're literally the personality disorder without a personality. ive spent years trying to figure out who i was, went by 20 different million names, used 20 million different identities, etc. i feel slightly more solid in now, which is interesting i suppose. just the fact that i am a schizoid has given me a good identifier in who i am. on my insta i cannot even begin to describe to you just how much i mention my szpd. its all i talk about sometimes. when i had a job last year (which i quit because customer service is um... it doesnt work for obvious reasons) it was all i talked about. because it was all i had to identify myself. now that im jobless and about to start college, ive latched onto Being A College Student because its all i have, and its all i feel safe sharing to other people. that last part is important because i truly do think we have personalities, its just we dont feel safe showing it to the rest of the world, by showing it, the delicate way in which we control our inner environment will be "invaded" by the "outside world". its one of the reasons i quit art. i could not stand showing my art to people and then them forcing their own emotions and ideas onto it.

im sorry about the last paragraph you sent. unfortunately i cant really help or give much advice beyond what ive already said because it just came so naturally to me. well it wasnt that smooth obviously, but the only thing i really had to get over was my own self doubt and thinking that one regular experience or two entirely invalidated me being a schizoid (which it doesnt). the best i can say is i wish you luck and i hope my annoying ramble-y paragraphs helped you in some way. as always feel free to send more asks and i do hope you can find other schizoids to talk to! my own experiences are very limited.

[hxseok-honee]

atlas heart || part 28

a/n : aha,,, ahaha,,,,, listen, i know this is a jimin au okay I KNOW -- but this chapter belongs to jung hoseok and thats that im sorry

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When Y/n finds Jimin down by the lake, she feels that every fiber of her being wants her to turn back, wants her to run and hide under her blankets -- as if she’s the one that needs protecting from him. He doesn’t see her until she’s a few feet away, approaching him from the shoreline. The smile he gives her when he turns is kind but reserved, like he’s preoccupied. She lets out an awkward laugh.

“Why did you want to meet down here in the middle of the night? Way to be weird, Jimin.” He rolls his eyes playfully, nudging her with his elbow before gesturing back toward the ground not far away, covered in grass instead of the sand here by the water. Y/n follows him there, taking a seat next to him with question marks in her eyes when he doesn’t answer her. He snickers at her confusion.

“You’re really stuck on this, huh? Maybe I just wanted to look at the stars with you.” Her features scrunch up cutely as she reacts to his admittedly cheesy one-liner, and he feels the tips of his ears go red. “Okay, I swear that sounded better in my head.” She grins before turning away, looking up at the sky in contemplation. Jimin thinks that maybe, in other circumstances, they really would have been able to sit here together in peaceful silence and watched the stars all night long. He hates that he has to ruin it.

“I actually… I have to talk to you.” She doesn’t pull her gaze from the sky, but he does notice that her expression has clouded over with something he can’t place. It looks a lot like resignation. Swallowing once and trying to shake out his nervous limbs as subtly as possible, he takes a single deep breath before turning his upper body to face her. She still won’t look at him.

“I know you’re probably going to hate my guts after this, and I completely deserve that because I’m selfish and stupid, and I’m too nosy for my own good, and I never should have pushed so much, but I--”

“I know.”

“Yeah, I know you know that I’m an idiot, and that I’m annoying, and that I ask too many questi--”

“Jimin, I know.” He stops then, and the look of pure confusion he gives her breaks her heart. She has no idea that the pained expression she’s giving him is breaking his. She can’t even keep her eyes on him when she continues. “I know that you know.”

Jimin jaw drops, and he gets the idea that he looks a bit like a dying fish, closing and opening his mouth as he tries to figure out how to continue. He hadn’t planned for this turn of events when he’d practiced the conversation in his head.

“You -- but how? Was I too obvious?” He sits up straight, terrified that his suspicious behavior had already gotten her into more danger. “Did I do something that risked your secret? What was it? Tell me so I can make sure never to do it again--” Y/n’s eyes shut as she sighs, and she quiets him with a shake of her head.

“Dumbledore told me, the day after you’d gone to see him. He wanted to warn me.” Jimin stares at the side of her head, processing that she’d known almost two weeks that he’d figured everything out, but she hadn’t confronted him about it. “I haven’t told the boys yet, but I’ve been freaking out about it. I wanted to talk to you right away, but… I decided to wait until you were ready to talk about it…” Her eyes flick to him, but at the sight of his gaze fixed completely on her, his attention fully hers, she looks away. “I was scared that you hated me. Even when you kept reaching out and talking to me, I felt like… maybe you hadn’t realized exactly what I am or what that means. I was waiting for you to leave me. Or expose me. I don’t know. I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

“I would never do that to you.” It falls out his mouth, feeling oddly like a confession when he says it without thinking and is immediately embarrassed. He clears his throat when she looks up at him with wide eyes, scratching awkwardly at his collarbone. “I needed time to process… not that you’re a werewolf, but that I had been such a fucking idiot the entire time. I should have listened to your friends and just let you be. I was nosy and selfish and objectively really annoying, and I hadn’t even realized that they were just trying to keep you safe by pushing me away. I’m really sorry, Y/n… for endangering you like that.”

He won’t look at her -- he can’t. But when a cold hand closes around his own, squeezing gently, he at least is able to look in her direction. She squeezes again, and, with as much courage as he’s ever had to gather at once, he lifts his eyes to meet her. She looks to be on the edge of tears, but she’s smiling at him, and it confuses him to no end.

“You’re not… mad? Because I completely understand if you are--”

“I’m not mad, Jimin. I’m kind of relieved that you know now, even if I am probably going to always be scared that one day you’ll wake up and realize that I’m a monster and run for your life.” He breathes out a laugh, knowing that she’s not joking. He just can’t imagine a version of himself, now or ever, that would look at her and see anything but the girl he’d been desperate to befriend all this time.

“I’m not going anywhere, Y/n. I want to help you, if that’s okay. I want to do anything I can to help keep you safe.” It’s then that she pulls away from him, her expression turning apprehensive. Jimin takes one look at her and assumes it must be about her friends. “I know that Hoseok and Jungkook don’t like me, but I can talk to them if you want me to! I can explain myself and make sure they know that I’m just trying to help--” She shakes her head suddenly, cutting him off with a wave of her hands. She can already tell how her conversation with them later tonight will go, dreading having to ask them to meet so she can break the news.

“No, it’s not them… I’ll handle the boys -- it’s probably better that you aren’t there when they lose their minds, so I’ll talk to them. It’s just… things are more complicated than you think. It’s not really as simple as helping me… there are things you still don’t know, and it’s not my place to tell you…” Jimin thinks back to the way Dumbledore had called the situation ‘infinitely more complicated’ than he knew, and the way Y/n’s talking right now has him going out on a limb.

“Is this… about Remus Lupin?” Y/n meets his eyes with alarm, her breath catching audibly in her throat, and Jimin knows he’s right. “He’s… like you, right? His friends are involved, too.” She gapes at him, unsure how to respond.

“How…” He looks away, rubbing at his neck uncomfortably.

“Well, the night I figured things out -- it was a few days before the full moon, so your symptoms were a little more apparent at the time. I saw him in the Great Hall the next day, and he was looking just like you… and his friends, they act a lot like Jungkook and Hoseok sometimes… it wasn’t hard to put it together.” Y/n sits there in silence, not certain if Jimin is just really observant and was hyper-aware of everything because he’d just realized such a monumental secret, or if she needs to talk to the Marauders and her own friends about being less conspicuous. Probably both. She barely hears Jimin when he starts talking again.

“Is… that what’s keeping you from letting me help? I swear I won’t say anything -- I’ll even pretend I don’t know about him. I’ll do anything.” She watches him as he starts to devolve into what’s probably the third rant in the last half hour alone, and she knows he’s desperate to prove himself to her. He doesn’t need to -- he’d made his innocence and kindness clear to her long before he’d had any idea of her affliction. It’s everything about him, really, that’s causing her so much pain. She’s scared for him.

“Jimin… are you sure this is what you want? We’re in the middle of a war… and you’re a muggleborn. If anyone were to find me out, and they link us… I don’t know what would happen to you. Everything’s so delicate and dangerous, I don’t know if I can put you in that kind of danger.” This time it’s Jimin that reaches out for her, slipping his fingers through her own and linking their hands once he has her in his hold. He looks entirely level-headed when he looks her in the eye and responds.

“I’m with you, Y/n. I’m with you.”

--

Y/n stares up at the entrance to Slytherin common room, a deep frown set into her features. She’d made what she’d believed to be the right choice by not having Jungkook and Hoseok in the same room when she told them about Jimin -- they have a habit of enabling each other’s worst characteristics, and the last thing she wants to deal with is two enraged boys in the middle of the night. But now that she’s here, having just left a furious Jungkook in the room of requirement, she’s not looking forward to having this conversation again.

Jungkook had been surprisingly calm when she’d broken to him that Jimin had discovered her secret, but if there’s only one thing in the world that Y/n can say with complete confidence, it’s that she knows Jeon Jungkook. The look of complete ease that he’d given her had terrified her far beyond any explosion of anger. She almost prefers that he had reacted. It had taken her the better half of an hour to calm him down, only feeling comfortable texting Hoseok that she was on her way to him when she’d seen an emotion cross Jungkook’s eyes other than blank detachment. Even then, it was only annoyance at the fact that she refused to let him “talk” to Jimin on his own.

Now, it’s almost 3am, and Y/n’s only brushing away her tragic attempt at reasoning with Jungkook when the door to the Slytherin common room slides open, revealing a sleepy-eyed, bedhead-ridden Hoseok. He’s only half-dressed, clearly unable to be bothered to care about his appearance this late at night. He scratches at his bare collarbone with one finger while he squints at her, his blatant concern hidden slightly by how disgruntled he looks.

“Do you have any idea what time it is? Why would you do this to me?” Y/n snorts, knowing from experience how objectively rude Hoseok can be in the first few minutes of being awake. She hopes he stays bogged down by his sleep-deprived mind long enough that he doesn’t completely lose it when she talks to him. She glances past him into the common room before responding.

“Is there somewhere we can talk in private? I have something to tell you.” Immediately, the sleep is gone from Hoseok’s eyes, and Y/n mourns the hope that he wouldn’t be clear-minded during their conversation. He nods once, pointing over his shoulder.

“My room’s fine.”

“Isn’t Yoongi there?” Hoseok shakes his head, a slight smile gracing his features while he explains.

“He got a call from Kim Seokjin not that long ago -- something about a late-night snack run and how eating alone is ‘a lonely habit’.” He shrugs, and Y/n guesses that Yoongi must get dragged out against his will by Kim Seokjin quite often if Hoseok is unbothered by it. Hoseok points again in the direction of his bedroom, and Y/n only follows with a nod.

By the time they return to his room, Hoseok’s awake enough to be self-conscious, so he’s searching for a shirt immediately, gesturing for Y/n to close the door behind her. Then he flops down onto his bed, crossing his legs and patting the spot at the end of his mattress for her. When she decides to remain standing, running her fingers along the edge of his bedpost awkwardly, Hoseok squints, suspicious.

“What happened?” Y/n closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, looking Hoseok head-on and ripping the metaphorical band-aid off.

“Jimin knows about me. He just told me. Before you say anything, we talked about it, and--”

“That little shit--” Hoseok’s standing from his bed, fists balled up in rage as he heaves out an enraged breath. “When I get my hands on that nosy, obnoxious fucking twerp--”

“Hoseok, wait! Wait.” Y/n holds her hands out in front of her, planting them on his chest while she stares up at him with wide eyes. “It’s okay! It’s fine, we talked! He’s not going to say anything to anyone, even about the stuff with Remus--” She’ll admit that saying that last part probably wasn’t her best idea, considering how Hoseok reacts, blind with fury.

“What do you mean? What does that mean?!” He’s growing louder now, and Y/n knows she has to calm him down before he wakes the entirety of Slytherin house. Taking his face in her hands, she tries to force him to focus solely on her, but it only results in Hoseok gripping at her wrists, desperation clear in the way his hold is shaking. He’s looking at her with wild eyes, demanding an explanation for something so wholly unacceptable, but Y/n can’t give that to him while he’s like this.

“Hoseok, I need you to breathe, okay? I’m okay. I will be okay. But I need you to lower your voice and breathe. Don’t think about anything else.” This display -- a total loss of control -- is what she’d expected from Jungkook, but the boy who’d been beside her their entire lives must have known better than to show his ruthless side and risk upsetting her. In this moment, Hoseok, who’s always so keen on hiding himself behind a mask, is seeing red the way he never has before, and that’s what scares Y/n most.

“Eyes on me, Hobi, hm? Look at me -- I’m right here, and I’m okay. Look at me. See? I’m perfectly fine. Nothing’s gonna happen to me, I promise.” She’d somehow managed to bring him down from his erratic high, keeping his face close until she could see in his eyes that he’s looking only at her. His breath is ragged, and if she thinks she’s caught the slightest tremble of his bottom lip when he opens his mouth, he’s hiding it well. But what he whispers to her breaks her heart clean in half.

“You can’t promise me that. The more people that know about you, the harder it is for me to trick myself into believing you.” Taking a breath to stop herself from tearing up, she releases him slowly, stepping back when he only moves to sit back down on the edge of his bed.

“Hobi… you can’t do anything to Jimin, okay? You can’t confront him or do anything rash. I mean it.” It takes a few moments, but finally Hoseok is lifting his eyes to meet hers. He nods, and Y/n knows that’s all she’ll be able to get out of him. She wishes it was enough, that weak agreement, but if there’s one other thing in the world she can say with complete confidence, it’s that she doesn’t know Hoseok quite as well as she knows Jungkook.

--

Jimin’s on his way to class the next morning, lost in his thoughts about Y/n -- he can’t seem to focus on anything else these days -- when he’s unceremoniously dragged by the back of his robes into an empty classroom and shoved against the nearest wall. Hissing at the pain, he barely has time to slump over and catch his breath before he’s being pinned back against the cold stone by a pair of very determined hands.

He stills completely when he finally lifts his gaze and meets the eyes of Jung Hoseok. The Slytherin is visibly furious, his glare almost manic as he pushes Jimin’s shoulders back into the wall. He only lets up when an involuntary cry of pain escapes Jimin, but he never lets the boy go.

“Now, you’re going to listen to what I have to say, and you’re going to listen closely. Yeah?” Jimin isn’t sure it’s a question that needs answering, considering that he’s literally trapped, but the increased pressure of Hoseok’s knuckles on his chest has him nodding frantically. Hoseok doesn’t release him when he leans down into his face.

“For some ungodly reason, Y/n has decided that you can be trusted, and I’m sure you loved that she said she’d talk to us so you wouldn’t have to do it yourself, huh? But I think that you deserve to have the whole picture, Park -- look at me when I’m talking to you.” Jimin had shut his eyes simply from the proximity of Hoseok’s hateful glare, unable to handle it, but when the older boy shakes him roughly, he opens his eyes so wide that he’s terrified to even blink.

“This game you’re playing? Using your obvious little crush on Y/n as an excuse to pry into her business and put her in danger just because you like sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong? It needs to stop. Because you don’t know all the rules, Jimin. And you don’t get any do-overs.” Jimin can feel the grip on his shirt starting to tremble, and at first he thinks maybe Hoseok’s so enraged that he’s actually shaking, but the glint in his eye tells Jimin differently. It tells him that Hoseok is scared -- he’s terrified. The uncertainty of Jimin’s existence in Y/n’s life -- not knowing if this is going to end badly for them -- it’s scaring him, and Jimin gets the feeling that Hoseok’s someone who deals with fear by being angry. Taking a very big risk, he whispers out to the 7th year.

“I swear, I just want to hel--agh!” Squeezing his eyes shut when Hoseok lifts him away from the wall and promptly slams him back into it, he doesn’t finish his plea. He can feel Hoseok’s breath fanning angrily over his face, and he swears a low growl rumbles from deep within the Slytherin’s chest when he responds.

“Shut up! You don’t know what that even means. You don’t know how to help. All you’ve done is screw things up for us, so let me welcome you into our little group with a warning.” A hand clamps the sides of Jimin’s jaw, lifting his face and squeezing hard until Jimin opens his eyes to look at Hoseok.

“You get one chance, so if you even come close to screwing that up, Y/n is the last thing you’ll have to worry about. Clear?” Jimin nods again, the hand on his face making that incredibly difficult. Finally, Hoseok releases him and steps back, watching with unmasked annoyance as Jimin fixes his clothes and rubs at all the spots he’s sure will be bruised by morning. They stare at each other, Hoseok eventually rolling his eyes with a sigh.

“Y/n told me you want to help. She asked me to mentor you in potion-making. I only agreed to it because she’s very stubborn when she wants to be, and someone needs to take over her doses. I won’t go easy on you, so you better be ready for a summer of hell. I need to know she’ll be safe with you once I’m gone, and frankly, I don’t even trust you to boil a pot of fucking water, much less a dangerous, highly sensitive potion.” Jimin swallows hard but doesn’t comment on the blatant insult, only processing that Jung Hoseok has agreed to train him.

Hoseok’s eyes flicker to the door, and Jimin takes that as his cue that the conversation -- if that’s what this was -- is finished, so he wanders out of the room in a slight daze, Hoseok following closely. As if the universe is telling him that this moment can, in fact, get much worse, Jimin meets the eyes of one Jeon Jungkook as the Gryffindor happens to be passing on the way to class. Where Hoseok’s glare was unbridled fire and rage, Jungkook’s gaze is turning to pure ice, and Jimin can’t decide which is worse. Jungkook doesn’t even acknowledge him as he passes, breaking eye contact and going on his way as if Jimin doesn’t even exist. Hoseok chuckles darkly behind him.

“I almost feel bad for you, Jimin. If you think you have it bad with me, you’re in for a real treat with Jungkook.”

[teaboot]

hey, im currently living with the abusive father you have described in the past. Any tips on making it out of here alive?

Jesus. Okay, so: write everything down. Any time something happens, write down the date, time, location, what was said, what happened, who was there, whatever you can. Hide it in a book, email it to yourself or someone you trust, whatever. Keep a paper trail going, just in case you need it down the road.

Next: do whatever you need to do to become independent and move out. This sounds scarier and harder than it is- I recommend finding a roommate, getting an online bank account, and taking courses like WHMIS, Foodsafe, etc. Online whenever possible. If you're in school, take a practical class if you can- higher education is great for highbrow work, but jobs will always have openings for manual labour. If you have something like welding or foodsafe under your belt, in addition to a driver's licence, you're pretty much good to go.

Do not underestimate the value of your local library. Public libraries are where you can go for study, computer work, printing and filling resumes, and getting assistance for whatever you can't do yourself.

I personally have a hard time clearly remembering day to day life from when I lived at home, but I do recall... Shit. Like.... Feeling empty? Empty and sharp and angry and scared? Indignant, too. Vindictive. But I also started developing a dependence on conflict to manage my stress, and that took a long time to get out of.

Also, a heads up: once you get out, things will probably seem great for a while, but don't be surprised if after a few months of safety and relative stability your mental health takes a sudden dive. Whatever wasn't safe to possess during your time at home often resurfaces once your brain feels secure to do so- 

read up on signs and symptoms of anxiety, depression, post traumatic stress, hypervigilance, anxiety and panic attacks, projection, and dissociation. 

Be prepared to speak to a doctor about it- keep a record of your mental and physical health when that happens. If the first doctor you see says anything about medication being "chemical crutches" or "hysteria blowing things out of proportion", go a different doctor. Find one that listens to what you say and is respectful when giving advice and opinions. If they disagree with your thinking, they should do so politely, and without making you feel irrational or dramatic.

Next.... What really changed my life for the better was time, cognitive processing exercises, and enrolling in a self-defense class.

Learning to recognize my own irrational thought patterns resulting from my abuse was fundamental to avoid spiralling into self-destruction, and self-defense gave me back the sense of autonomy and confidence I didn't realize had atrophied.

I won't lie- I'm not strong or fast or skilled enough to actually win a fight if someone intends to do me harm, but almost as valuable is the awareness that I am now *allowed* to defend myself. Encouraged, even! When someone touches me without my permission, I don't have to grit my teeth and wait it out. I now have the knowledge that I am able to react in self-defense, which seems obvious, but there is a very great difference between *knowing* and *comprehending*, after all. Working through that with other people certainly made that click.

Most importantly: the future probably feels very murky and abstract and far away, right now. But no matter what happens, your future will become your present, and you have in you the power to be whoever you want to be.

Life will bring you wonders you aren't yet equipped to comprehend, and that is a very encouraging truth.

I promise that you haven't yet imagined the good things waiting for you on the other side of the wall.

Please stay safe, and take care. I wish you the best of luck

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

Umm hahaha hiiii!!!! I/we?? Have a question. Im scared to ask my doctor about did because we feel like maybe were just crazy and theres really only one of us and not two. Is this normal? C always fronts (we think) and shes good at supressing A who wants to front but C is scared shell ruin relationships since shes more confrontational and confident. We have no idea if this makes sense or not. Any advice? Also there might be a third but they were kindof shamed out by others.

Hi! Welcome to our page 😅

I've got a really long response, both to be thorough & to offer our templates / our explanation spiel, & to make sure I address all of your concerns to the best of my ability (/positive) - read this when you're ready, or in parts, or both (you know your needs).

~~~

This is absolutely normal, actually - I don't know if you/y'all have been told, but doubt & anxiety are actually a symptom of DID/OSDD-1, so when you doubt yourself it may actually be more hints you are a system. The questions of ‘am I crazy? is this real? are the others real’...we get them too. I know we talk on here like we're confident, but we often have to remind ourselves & each other that this doubt is normal. It's the disorder trying to protect you/y'all - because if you know you're a system, you have to deal with (1) the fact that you have trauma at all, which may unrepress memories (which is scary & painful), (2) increased vulnerability (some headmates are more easily triggered / harmed), (3) the stigma around the whole disorder, & (4) conscious communication (which sounds good, & it is, but it's also....draining? it's tiring.).

The disorder (DID/OSDD-1) only knows to help you survive through the same old methods, which is what makes it disordered (it can't adapt), but you & your headmates can adapt, so part of being a system is adapting & resisting the disorder’s urge to hide, forget, repress, relapse. You form headmates because of the disorder, but you have to fight what it views as The Only Safe Way™ to survive if you want to exist, be more aware of your system, etc.

As for keeping each other out of front, honestly that's how we began. Nico tried really hard for 3+ months (in 2020) to not split & not let anyone else front, & I'll be honest, it was physically painful after a while & he ended up mass splitting (splitting 100+ people at once - in this case 300 people) from the stress of fighting it. After that he realized he really didn't have control over whether he needed to split or take a break, so he's way better about it now.

It's normal to do, but not something you can do long term without hurting yourself (forcing yourself dormant, mass splitting, etc.). I don't know your specific situation & can't give expert advice but for general advice, let each other front. Suppressing/resisting hurts everyone, & if you're working on accepting you're a system too, not resisting is helpful (it makes it more obvious when you switch & people are able to be different &/or leave notes that you clearly don't recognize or remember).

As far as starting communication, we started with writing notes to each other. I know some systems still live with unsafe people when they find out (we still do), & if that's the case, find a journal, a lockable journal/diary, or an app you feel comfortable saving things into (we use Google Docs, under a Google account our ab-sers don't know exists) - anything you can lock or hide in some way, but that y'all have to get on/into regularly for whatever reason (so other headmates can see it). If you do live by yourself, any journal, document, etc. works.

Basic template we used for the notes is this: “Hi, my name is [name (nickname if you have one you'd like them to use)], I'm [age], and [I think I am / I am (based on your comfort, pick what's comfortable)] [role (a host/co-host, a gatekeeper, a protector, a trauma holder, etc.]. I'm ready to get to know [anyone else in our mind / our headmates]; introduce yourself when you feel ready.”

So, using my own, “Hi, my name is Caero Jinx (CJ), I'm ageless, and I’m a persecutor-protector and a trauma holder. I'm ready to get to know our headmates; introduce yourself here when you feel ready.”

You might have three or more & not even know them for over a year, honestly.

(When we found out we were a system (May 31st 2019 - we know because Alec stumbled across a TikTok video Sean posted on the 30th (he tagged his name & used a song Alec had never heard before)), Nico & Alec knew each other. Jack knew Nico, & got introduced to Alec. Sean knew Nico, Alec, & Jack. & that....that was it. For months. We found Valentino (Val) three months later, & his brother Jason with him, & then for a whole year that was all we knew. November 2020 we finally met more - Seth (Sean’s brother, persecutor), Carlisle (caretaker/caregiver), Zeno, Lowell, & a handful of others. We didn't even meet our own gatekeeper, Ward, until November or December 2020, a year & a half later (we weren't sure we had one - apparently he just doesn't trust easy & wanted to make sure we were ready). Now, looking back, we had around 26 frequent fronters (people who front frequently, but not necessarily co-hosts) & at least 76 people total, but we knew maybe 10 until year two.)

You may be a small system (with only 2 to 40 or so), or a medium system (40-90), or polyfragmented (over 100), & you wouldn't know yet. & that's okay. It all comes with time & this’ll get less overwhelming.

If you have anyone, a third person or more, that got chased out by shame/for any reason, they'll come back when they're ready (or when they feel like you're ready). It's not necessary to worry about it right now; you'll know more/know them when you're ready to know.

As for telling a doctor (or therapist), well....there's so much stigma & disbelief (people genuinely don't think we're real) that I wouldn't recommend it without “testing the water” first. Ask if they know of, have heard of, &/or have experience with DID/OSDD-1/systems (specify “it used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder” if they don't understand what you mean - most people will get it then). If they say “that's not real”, don't tell them (& find a better doctor who believes it's real when you can). If they say “that's super rare and almost no one has it”, don't tell them - they'd make you ridiculously jump around through metaphoric hoops to “prove” you're real, & honestly it's better to find someone you won't have to do that with. If they say “I've heard of it but I'm not qualified to/don't want to work with anyone who has it”, well, don't tell them & find a new doctor when you can.

If they say “I haven't heard of it” or “I've heard of it but I'm open to learn more”, that's a really good sign. If you have or find a doctor who says this, this spiel we made usually goes okay (you can build on/change it as needed): “it's a survival coping mechanism where a trauma victim survives through a mix of repression, self gaslighting, and separate identities. They repress trauma memories and any day to day memories that won't help them survive, and tell themselves the trauma isn't real and they don't have a disorder and they're not repressing anything. If a kid isn't traumatized or is able to process trauma with a safe community and/or a safe parent/guardian, the fragments that would've fused into one multifaceted identity get stuck apart by amnesia walls and they form into one or more multifaceted identities instead of one. Each of these people can have different ages, religions, hobbies, or any other part of identity and personality that non-systems have, and they each have a job that helps them keep each other alive. Together, they help the body and each other survive the trauma, and once they become aware they're a system they can communicate and work together. They can even have allergies other headmates don't have, or different severities or presentation of symptoms. They do everything they can to hide, so if they trust anyone enough to tell them, that's a good sign they believe the person they're telling has their best interests in mind and will keep them safe.”

Usually, when we frame it that way, we get back “so they're like different people in one body?” or “so all of them / all of you together form what I see as / think of as [body name]?”, & when you say yes, then they tend to be a lot kinder / more accepting when you say “so....I think I'm / I found out I'm a system” (or something along those lines). If they ask more general questions, you can try to answer what you know, & if they ask personal questions, keep in mind you aren't required to tell them details of your trauma, your systemhood, etc. or show them a switch to “prove” it, & only answer if you want to / feel comfortable.

If they need to know something specific — like a medical doctor might need to know ‘x is prone to fainting more than the rest of us’, ‘y has anaphylaxis with bee stings, but a doesn't’, or a therapist might need to know ‘b talks about su*c*de a lot but c won't actually let them so you don't need to worry that they'll actually act on it’ (we've needed to say that one), anything that would affect their job basically — then tell them that.

I wouldn't recommend telling anyone who you know would use it against you (anyone who's traumatized you, anyone who you know thinks mentally ill people are [insert ableist/cruel idea], etc.), unless your life seriously depends on it. & I'd be very cautious trying to tell family, friends, etc. & test the water (very similarly to above) first - & maybe don't tell personal relations (friends, family, body's significant other) until (a) you get professionally diagnosed (they may demand proof, & if so a diagnosis is a good friend) or (b) you've been on the journey for a year or more & you're sure you want to tell this person now. You know your limits & your people best, so you're the judge of who needs to know & who can wait, who you want to tell, etc.

It's painful to remain unseen, but prioritize your safety. It's more painful getting hurt by people who know & treat you like garbage because of it (we made that mistake ourselves 😕).

Overall, we welcome self diagnosis (getting professional diagnoses is an expensive pain in the butt & some systems won't be considered “distressed enough” by a therapist (it's up to their personal opinion) to get diagnosed) & welcome to this journey.

I hope our page helps you/y'all, & if you'd like to know more about system experiences, our journey of discovery, roles, etc., feel free to ask! We may seem intimidating, being a blog poster who openly embraces our systemhood (even when it's difficult & we don't always acknowledge it's difficult), but I promise we're not as scary as we seem 😅.

The journey may not be easy, but you don’t have to walk it alone.

~CJ

[potatopossums]

Since I'm on antidepressants, I'm really diligently taking notes about my moods, thoughts, energy levels, sleep, activities, symptoms, and overall health several times a day. Just to get accurate data on how i feel day to day. Because my brain's recollection ability is bullshit, especially with depression.

Sometimes it's nice to know that during the day, i get to stop and pay attention to myself for once. I get to be honest and write down just how shitty i feel, not having to pretend for anyone. Or, when I'm feeling good despite a bad situation, i can feel proud or accomplished about it and nobody can stop me.

Mostly it's the bit about me feeling crappy and not being able to voice it. I'm so used to just hiding my "negative" emotions and thoughts. And now, more and more I'm finding it to be suffocating if i don't let those feelings out.

Like today, I'm feeling happy that i accomplished what I did. I got to give a friend some cookies i baked, which made me feel happy. It made me feel like i was achieving something i had been wanting to do for so long. It's always fun to get treats in my opinion, and i have way more cookies than I could possibly eat right now, so why wouldn't I give them to other people to enjoy? I love to see that I've impacted someone in a positive way. I love to imagine them enjoying cookies in a similar way i do, appreciating them, enjoying the flavor and texture. It's just fun to me. I like to share those moments with other people, those small joys.

I'm also having mixed feelings about the rest of my day. I was happy to spend time with my other friend, but she also seemed really tired and exhausted, and little things like that worry me. I know she enjoyed her time, but there's always some little voice deep down that says "but what if she was annoyed with you and really wanted to just leave and go to bed the entire time you played games together and just felt too guilty to leave???" It just plagues me even though that's never happened. I just always worry about it in some way. It's a nasty little thought that always comes up somehow, and the fear inevitably grows.

I think i tend to feel insecure a lot around this friend, and I'm not totally sure why. Maybe it's because of the level of vulnerability I'm feeling with her. I know i definitely consider them a safe person in some regard, and i definitely like hearing from them and talking to them. I'd consider them a best friend. I always wish i could spend more time with them. And although we are far away from each other, we still send each other virtual hugs a lot. And that is important to me because i have a complicated relationship with touch. And with her, even though it's still digital hugs, it's still really meaningful that i feel safe around her, not only receiving hugs, but giving hugs. She is one of the only people i do this with, honestly. I've never felt quite comfortable enough to do it with anyone else, even some of my best friends. Im still trying to figure that out, but i know where I am with that at least. This friend is easy to talk to about such boundaries, and they're really respectful and kind and reasonable. It honestly is crazy to me that someone could be so kind and understanding like this. Maybe I'm waiting for something horrible to happen because that's what usually happened in the past.

I just hope that i can find a place where i don't feel so insecure all the time. I know this is an internal issue most of all, my internal voice causing me to doubt my safety and reality. If i could get past that, i think I'd be much happier, and i wouldn't be as worried about falling short or getting rejected or feeling embarrassed. It won't be such a big deal, I'll feel safe enough to fail and pick myself up afterwards. That would be really nice. Unfortunately, right now, everything is a really big deal to me. I'm easily overwhelmed by even the smallest things because I'm scared a small mistake will doom me. I hope one day i can learn to overcome this even better. I'd love to be free from this.

I don't want to only be free from this insecurity for the sake of my friend and their experience in our relationship. I want to conquer this fear and anxiety so i can enjoy my relationships in a genuine and authentic way. I want to feel comfortable and able to talk about my needs and feelings. I want to feel capable of withstanding my emotions, able to feel them, honor them, and let them pass. I want to grow and experience a bit more happiness.

I want to treat myself better. And i suppose that starts with little things like my daily reports. Journaling. This sort of introspection. Rest. Progress, not perfection.

[scoutpologist]

h-hey tumblr user sootpologist -- tumblr user sootpologist the masses need more explanation--

bc i said so :)

(real explanation under the cut, general tw for discussion of child abuse and trauma)

fr tho. most people give c!techno backstories that involve complex childhood trauma. whether it’s having him fight in a ring against other piglins/mob hybrids, being a slave, or being a punching bag for others, he’s mostly victimized as a kid. he barely ever has actual parents. that’s all long-lasting trauma that is, by definition, complex. this is what causes c-ptsd. in most cases of a tragic techno backstory, he is alone, young, experiences multiple types of abuse, and it’s long lasting. these make c-ptsd much more likely to develop.

and trauma doesn’t just go away once you’re safe. it has lasting effects!! the fact that i’m even awake right now is evidence of that. techno’s backstory would not vanish suddenly because he’s physically and/or emotionally safe. he would experience and struggle with these symptoms for a very long time after he was removed from the environment that caused them in the first place.

there’s also canon evidence - c!techno has very high emotional walls, refuses to be emotionally vulnerable, is borderline paranoid with how heavily he prepares for things and how far he is willing to go to stay hidden, believes that violence is truly the only way he can really be understood, has a lack of emotional regulation.... list could go on lol.

c-ptsd also can involved dissociation or be comorbid with dissociative disorders and lead to a lot of intense guilt or shame, which i’ve seen in a lot of fics and fanon relating to techno. it can also lead to the belief that something about someone is inherently wrong. techno is incredibly sensitive about being used or seen as an object. that “i’m a person!” line on doomsday was, in my interpretation, something that came from a deep seated issue he has with not being seen or treated as a person. he gives the impression of having struggled to finally find his personhood and being incredibly sensitive to any perceived attacks to it.

side note, in aus where the voices could not feasibly exist as they do in canon (as actual beings), such as modern aus, i tend to lean more towards osdd-1b/dissociative disorders for them in my head. i don’t know if i’d post any writing based on this, considering techno *is* a violent character, and the stigma against systems is pretty immense, but i just like projecting on him (i experience dissociation and am a system myself but i don’t talk about it publicly very much). this is the headcanon im most nervous about sharing, by a long shot, so i’m hiding it here, lmao