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innerchorus · 5 months ago

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A question popped up as I thought about some future chapters of my AU regarding Saam. How much is actually known about him in the novels? I don't think there is much about him like family, his past and such, right?

(Do tell me if I already have asked somehting similar)

I can't recall if you asked this before, maybe it came up when we were discussing Sam in general at some point? In any case, your suspicion is correct, Tanaka doesn't provide any other details. We don't know his age, which part of Pars he's from, any details about his past or his family, nothing. The only thing we know (and this is mentioned in the manga, too, when Sam visits the imprisoned Andragoras in Chapter 56) is that he was made Marzban by Andragoras.

However, I think we can infer a few things and speculate about a few others based on that scene. One being that while Sam is a noble, I don't think he necessarily comes from a line of high-ranking generals like Kishward. It feels like Andragoras recognised his talents. And its these talents that Sam defines his own worth by, stating "I am a man of no ability, except to fight." His honour as Marzban and how his position allows him to serve the country he loves are what matters most to him and what gives his life meaning, and also the source of his loyalty to the Parsian royal family.

In terms of his military past, again there are no specific details other than what we're shown in canon; at the time the series opens he is entrusted, along with Garshasp, with protecting the royal capital of Ecbatana. I've theorised before that this is a prestigous position given only to those with a wealth of experience who are trusted completely by the Shah (because after all, when the king leaves the city to go and fight, he must know that it is in good hands). We know Sam is an expert at attacking and defending fortresses, and is familiar with Zabul (but presumably visited rather than being stationed there for a long time; perhaps he was sent to advise, or perhaps to reinforce temporarily when it previously came under threat?). He must have taken part in plenty of siege battles on both sides of the walls which means he's most likely participated in campaigns outside the borders of Pars, as well as potentially in taking back Parsian fortresses that may have fallen to the enemy.

(Personally, I headcanon that he was with the troops Andragoras led in Badakhshan. Maybe he proved his worth in the swift taking of the capital, Helmandus?)

Regarding when he became Marzban, it's tempting to say 'after Osroes died' but it could even have been before then. See, when Osroes became Shah, he actually instated his younger brother Andragoras as Eran and turned over control of the entire army to him. It's possible that he even allowed Andragoras to select his own Marzbans, subject to approval, of course. So there's room for various headcanons there. Either way, Sam feeling some loyalty specifically towards Andragoras even before Osroes's death fits with the fact that Andragoras did have the overwhelming support of the military in general, and it may have been a factor in him choosing not to believe in the rumours that Andragoras killed his brother and burned Prince Hilmes alive. It's clear in his later questions to Andragoras that he longs for it not to be true but can no longer deny the likelihood that it is.

The fact that he recognises Hilmes even years later tells us that he had contact with him in some form, presumably within the grounds of the palace. He's also familiar with Gotarzes, specifically the flaws that overtook him at the end of his reign. Of course, it may be that he simply has knowledge of this through having heard it, but it's also possible he spent some time at court and witnessed it first hand (this may be where his distrust of sorcerers comes from...).

Like I said, his family is a total blank in true Tanaka form so we can imagine whatever we want there. I always felt that Sam seems like someone who would at least spare a thought for his loved ones during the turmoil that Pars descends into, and even though I know it's just Tanaka not seeing fit to mention stuff like this, I can't reconcile it with how I see Sam's character, which is why I ended up with a headcanon that he had a wife who died (sorry to heap yet more angst onto this man, but there you go).

I don't think I have anything else to add. Maybe just that in terms of his familiarity with Prince Arslan, they obviously know each other but not well. I assume he didn't personally have anything to do with Arslan's education etc, and they just saw each other from time to time in the palace or at functions, etc.

#arslan senki #the heroic legend of arslan #sam #not much is known but it's fun to try and flesh it out!#please feel free to add to the discussion #or share your personal headcanons etc

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blazescompendium · 2 years ago

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Blaze's Compendium Entry #6: Helmet is required to deal with the Muh Shubuu.

Warning: Faith and religion are important real life topics, that tackles the culture and way of life of millions of real life people. It is a cultural expression, and must be respected by all means. Here, we use a video-game series only to ignite the flame of learning about the matter, using its art when well depicted, but we do this with all due respect to the cultures we talk here, grounded by real life sources, cultures and people. And i mean this with respect. Hope you all enjoy.

Moh Shubuu, or Moh Shuvuu is a fantastical creature from the Buryati Folclore, nomadic people from Asia in a region between Siberia and Mongolia. Their are treated like a Mythological bird, that is born when a young girl or young woman dies by violent means, without knowing true love. (This can imply chastity, but it will vary in how explicit it says it). Normally, Moh Shubuu will attack man that she could seduce using her young girl looks, bringing the victim to isolated areas of the desert and killing them with a blow to their head, using their ominous sharp beak. Then she would proceed to suck and consume the brain matter out of the person.... Yikes.

According to sources (as always, will be in the boton) There are other ways for a Moh Shubuu to be born, we will explore those later.

This is one of those legends that, finding a single western source on it is way harder than actually understanding it. Not even Wikipedia is of any help here (That is, if it was of any help, any time). The only real English source i was able to locate was a book: ''Christian Demonology and Popular Mythology, Central European, 2006''. Although this book was a verifiable source, it was not from much help because of the biased view of the tale, from a Christian perspective. Which is not exactly wrong. There's whole fields of theology dedicated to this , but we gotta exercise the Methodological Agnosticism here, which means i can't analyze a culture going from other completely biased point of view, but rather try to see by the eyes of said people considering their time and space, which is also not a easy task by any means.

Moh Shubuu hides her beak with her hands, and sleeves.

The book offers little to no insight about more than what is commonly associated with the Moh Shubuu. The western internet is filled with texts and people talking about this legend, in the way i told above. But the creature name gets a bit confusing. Usually, in the west people call it Moh Shuvuu, but it seems this is a western way of spelling the name, which is actually Moh Shubuu or Moh Shubuun. This means literally somehting like ''Evil Bird'' According to most sources, but i was unable to independent verify this claim. So, take it with a bit of salt. I am sure though, that this could not be so much far away from what it really is.

Going by Muh Shubuun or Moh Shubuu makes it more easier to research it, in Russian the name is spelled like: Муу шубуун. In using this language, there is a good amount of sources going from sites that talk about mythology, to museum pages in general, to books. This did not surprised me, because Buryatia being part of Russian territory for centuries now, and Moh Shubuu being a relatively obscure, and oral folklore, makes it very niche to research indeed. Specially from a culture which is in high danger of disappearing. [2]

But by far, the most complete work in Buryatian culture research i was able to find, comes from a renowned Russian folklorist: Matvey Nikolaevich (1858-1918). His work is extensive and very detailed, he spent his life and career studying and documenting Buryati culture. Matvey was celebrated in his time by his expeditions to Buryati settlements to study their culture, and he was elected in 1888 as a member of the Russian Geographic Society. So much so, that a Museum in Buryatia is named after him, and display many of his belongings and researches there. (Linked source, and Museum)

If you happen to speak Russian, and is interested in learning more about Buryatian Folklore, culture and more i heavily suggests you to read more of Matvey books. As for me, i do not speak Russian, so i am relying in software translations. If you notice anything wrong, please let me know!

I can't go too deep in his work here, because our main goal here is to explore the Muh Shubuu lore. Luckily for us, Matvey catalogued this very tale (along with another multitude of Buryati folklore) in some of his work. Here, i will use as a basis his book:

‘’Хангалов М.Н. Собрание сочинений в 3 т. Т.3. / Под ред. Г.Н.Румянцева.-Улан-Удэ: Изд-во ОАО «Республиканская типография», 2004.- (Reprint)’’

Translated roughly as:

‘’Khangalov M.N. Collected works in 3 vols. T.3. / Ed. G.N. Rumyantsev.-Ulan-Ude: Publishing House of JSC "Republican Printing House", 2004. (Reprint)’’

This work was originally published between 1889 to 1903, in 3 volumes focusing on Buryati Folklore. Sadly, i could not locate this book anywhere on the web, at least not using software translation and all my power to do so, i could not locate a physical copy of easy access for me. But, luckily the book is partially transcribed in many web pages and that's how i guided myself.

So, about the Muh Shubuu!

There are some legends Matvey catalogued about this demon in Buryati folklore, but they vary a bit. This can be because of the nomadic nature of the Buryati people, and how the tale can evolve and change between groups and settlement. But nevertheless, the essence is still the same. Here are some tales that Matvey could comply about the Muh Shubuu:

There is, for instance the tale of a young couple, that went to live in the woods together. Sadly the man dies from illness shortly after, leaving his wife alone and depressed. The woman could not bear the loss of her husband, and was driven into madness. During this time, she decides it is a good idea to consume the dead decaying liver of her late husband. After that, she dies as well.

The woman's soul is back as a Mu Shubuun, because of her terrible act. Still according to this particular legend, this demon can change forms into different types of birds. (like some kind of warebird) But, when she transforms back to her more humanoid form, only the beak will remain. (Some times, this beak is described like her lips) The beak will always be visible, no matter how many times she transforms back.

Another tale tells about a hunter, who was hunting alone in the desert. (or woods, depending on the mood of my translation software) After taking a rest, a young woman approaches him. She starts to kick a conversation, cracking jokes, and getting along with the hunter. He noticed that the woman always tried to hid her lower face with her sleeves, and found it suspicious. He notices this is a Mu Shubuu, and asks her to get logs to the fire he is preparing. She goes, and while she's away, the hunter puts some branches and his stuff into his blanket to give the impression he is sleeping in it.

When the demon returns, she thinks the tired hunter was sleeping already, and she could finally attack. She jumped in the blanked with her beak, stabbing the branches and logs he put inside it, and it got stuck. That's when the hunter shoots the thing down with his gun. After that, he burns the remains in a fire.

This story is particularly interesting, because it involves guns, so it was probably not that old. At least this version, it could have changed with the years, with regular weapons becoming guns, once they were invented and got popular. Or... My translation software got something as an bow and arrow as a gun.

This tale also makes clear that the creature was about to kill the hunter, with her classical ''beak to the head'' and would probably consume his brain matter. But there is evidence Mu Shubuu diet consisted of more than just brains. like the woman in the first tale eating the liver of her husband.

This amazing artwork was made by NATZ they are amazing, and let us use it to illustrate this text. Go check them out! I am a big fan!

In another tale, there is also other person who win in a fight against this demon by getting her stuck in a tree. This seemed to be enough to the creature promise not to bother anyone anymore.

Matvey also complied the information that, some tales described that Mu Shubuu had two ''flints'' with them, usually in their armpits. The right one is a bright red flint, very good looking. The other one is a decayed and rotten tool. The disgusting one is the one to destroy, or take from the creature, because it is linked to her vital forces, it seems. During a fight, Mu Shubuu will try to convince you that the red one is better, but this is a trap. This flint will weaken you instead, making you the easiest prey to this demon.

Buryat knife with a suspension, a tube, a pouch, a flint. Silver, coral, malachite, mahogany, leather, hardened steel, corals, chasing, punching, forging. I dont know, but maybe this legends of a ''flint'' could be referring to the tools here.

There is also the implication that there are male Mu Shubuun as well! According to Matvey there was a tale about a forest where lots of Mu Shubuun inhabited, and they always caused mayhem in the region, attacking and eating people's brains.

One day, a warrior decided to go there, and was (surprise surprise) attacked by a Mu Shubuun. In this story, the flint version was accounted for, and the warrior win the fight taking the ugly looking flint from the demon. But, she ends up fleeing.

The man follows the creature trail up to a well, where he found not only the female Mu Shubuun that attacked him, but a male Mu Shubuun. It was the male that convinced the guy not to harm them, explaining that attacking humans was an habit of the female Mu Shubuun only. As a way to apologize, the couple of demons teach the man how to defend himself from their relatives, using magical phrases. I could not translate them very well using software, but in Russian it goes as:

‘’Хадалан долон - Хадалаевы семеро

Хамнагахи найман - Хамнагановы восьмеро’’

Female and (possible) male Mu Shubuun from the game Blood Brothers. I like this interpretation very much, because of the bloody beak.

This tales are interestng, because they are very small but they manage to convey a lot about this creature, which is sadly not very much available to western sources. It is evident that in Buryatia, this is a relatively known folkloric tale, and in Russia and Eurasia it was spread by books and the internet, much before the demon was explored in the Shin Megami Tensei series.

For instance, the Irkutsk City Museum, in Russia has a page dedicated to Buryati culture, and also shows some Mu Shubuun texts. Irkutsk is not in Buryatia, rather is a bit north, after the Baikal lake that separates Buryatia from the rest of Russia. But it is close enough to have some cultural connections.

(Again, i am not going too deep into the Buryati belief system as a whole. Not only because that's not the foccus here, but because it would need much more research. If you want me to talk about more of this culture in the future, let me know!)

Much is talked about the Buryatian Shamanism when talking about the Buryatian folklore. This was present in Matvey's work, as well in official government sources as the Irkutsk Museum. This Shamanistic culture often deals with lots of problematic spirits. Those are usually translated as bad spirits, ghosts, or even demons. This means our little devil bird girl is not alone in this pantheon. Just to be brief about some other Buryatian mystical creatures:

Ada: A spirit that manifests itself as a small crature with only one eye, and one teeth. Their mouth is on her lower jaw. Can appear as a dog, children or even inflate itself as a balloon. (This one is specifically creepy, and it is also cited by Matvey works)

Anakhai: Also spotted on the before told sources, this is a cyclop-like creature that attacks children.

Ezykhe: A spirit that causes harm to domestic animals. Usually it appears as a decaying old hag, that steals cow's milk. This can cause malnutrition to calfs, and even death of livestock.

The Buryati usually are practitioners of Tengrism. This is a belief system that is sustained by the relationship with the Earth, being protected by it and the ancient spirits. It is interesting that, in some sources the Tengrists believe that the skeleton is sacred, because it stores a part of the Soul. They went as far as to not damage animal bones during sacrificial rituals. So, since Mu Shubuun has to break open the skull to eat its prey's brain, i wonder if it is seen as a even more evil act by them. [sourced by Buryati Religion and Society’ from Lawrence Krader, 1954]

As is the case with any culture, we need to know a bit of the time and place to understand the collective consciousness that give birth to such myths. The Buryatia territory as a place and the way of life of the Buryati people is essential to this mixture. For instance, being nomadic people that relies a lot in livestock and surviving the harsh Eurasian deserts and the SIberian tundra, the worst fears would often be dictated by those essential pillars of their lifes.

A creature that can slowly kill your livestock? A predatory demon that kills you alone in the desert, sucking your brains? Those were real fears. It is hard to dive deeper into Buryati culture in this text, because it is just a crop honestly, but is also very important to remind ourselves that the Buryati are a diverse people, and some behaviors, tales and even words can change from place to place.

There is definitively a lot to learn from their culture, and a lot to preserve. Being endangered to disappear, it is always interesting to spread the word to more people that could study and preserve Buryati history.

If you are interested, i can recommend also the paper ‘’Buryati Religion and Society’ from Lawrence Krader, published originally in 1954. It is not perfect, and it is pretty old, but it is a good start! It is one of the few English sources about Buryatian culture out there.

Mu Shubuun is a very interesting case of a regional folklore making a trip from it's mother culture and ending up appearing in pop culture. Even with UN classifying the Buryati language to be highly in risk to be extinct, this predatory bird devil ended up in games and known in many parts of the world. In SMT for instance, she ranked 9th as the most popular demon in recent years, as well is a recurrent character in almost every franchise release since the 1990s.

Kazuma Kaneko's design is great for me, because it interprets the beak as disguised as the creature hair, or is it hair and just looks like a beak? That is the magic of his take on the creature. I am just curious on how he got to this specific folklore in the first place.

Kaneko took inspiration from Buryati female clothes when designing Mu Shubuun appearance! Very neat. SMT Moh Shubuu lacks the beak, but its hair its styled like a bird's beak, head and wings in a very cool nod to its nature.

It is fascinating to think this happened, but it got me thinking that Mu Shubuun was a product of a culture, and real people that lived by this for centuries. As the warning says in the start of the text, we can use popular media to spark a flame of interest in the matter, but this has to be done with all due respect.

The next paragraphs are based on my personal opinions upon studying this tale extensively. But you feel free to disagree with me, or even correct me!

In my personal belief, Mu Shubuun is one of those Folkloric cautionary tales. Not only not to wander alone in the desert, which could be fatal by very real means, but also that violence against the more vulnerable could have consequences. In the case of Young Woman, this could end up as a Muh shubuu coming to enact her revenge.

Another personal observation of mine: The creature carrying flints reminded me of the old Korean tradition of young virgin woman carrying daggers in her clothes (usually in their arms as well), so they could commit suicide if endangered to be sexually harassed. [1] This could be nothing related, but i thought about it immediately after noticing the flint trope with Moh Shubuu.

As why the bird connection, i really can't say for sure. Probably because raptor birds could be menacingly common, around. But i should study Buryati culture deeper in order to be more accurate about it. End of my personal opinions

Be any reason why this tale survived centuries and ended up here, in the internet, videogames, and other works, is a mystery to me. Maybe the idea of a vengeful spirit taking her grudge on male society is alluring to some, maybe it was because Kazuma Kaneko really did an amazing design, and maybe it is because there is something about regional tales, folklore and beliefs that really fascinate some of us. Some distortions may have occurred in the way, but it is also part of this process. To me, it is important that Buryati traditions and culture can be preserved, and for many, Mu Shubuun is the link to this cosmos. That is a very interesting thing, and i am quite fascinated by it as well.

Thank you for reading up until here!

Sources:

-Matvey, Collected works Volume 3, pages 25 to 26 (reprinted in 2004) - (Хангалов М.Н. Собрание сочинений в 3 т. Т.3. / Под ред. Г.Н.Румянцева.-Улан-Удэ: Изд-во ОАО «Республиканская типография», 2004.- С.25-26’’)

-Irkutsk City Museum

-Buryati Religion And Society, Lawrence Krader 1954. (Sadly paywall...)

[1] - Korean Perceptions of Chastity ceptions of Chastity, Gender Roles, and Libido; F , Gender Roles, and Libido; From Kisaengs to the Twenty First Century (This one is just to back my claim about similarities)

[2]- The troubled state of the Buryati language today, Dulma Batorova

#blazescompendium #blazescompendiumentry #buryati #mongolia #shin megami tensei #kazuma kaneko #atlus #megami tensei #folklore #mythology

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marigoldbaker · 3 months ago

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wait so. I HAVE MORE QUESTIONS HI

ALSO: if at any point you don't want to answer any more questions just answer my asks privately and i'll stop <3

OK SO QUESTIONS ABOUT THE GIRLIES

wait so. scoobies/bakery girlies we end up w/: Marigold/Willow, Evie/Spike/Dru (maybe), Norie/Anya. this is hilarious i love this. they are dating each other and it's going awesome <3 (false). NOW WHAT WOULD THE SCOOBIES THINK OF THE BAKERY GIRLIES. WHO WOULD THEY LIKE

i am obsessed with the brie/marigold issues. they are very fun. it is awesome. faith/evie brie/marigold marigold/willow enemies of all time. other question: would brie get along w/roslin? i kinda feel like she would

i. LOVE SOPHIE. and EVIE. my BESTIES WHO ARE SAD. also. ELODIE. (i love them all but somehting about SOPHIE EVIE ELODIE tickles my brain specifically :3). can we get some elodie information. anything about her you want to tell us.

LIONEL ALSO I FORGOT ABOUT HIM. would he get along with spike.

FANGED FOUR TIME!!! whom among bakery girlies do the fanged four hang out w

and how do the bakery girlies like the fanged four?

wait evie/spike/dru feels like it'd have some issues related to the mind control thing/seeing red? no?

anywyas. I have more questions but have to go I will SEND THEM TO YOU LATER IF YOU ARE OKAY WITH THAT OKAY THANKS

HI FEEL FREE TO KEEP SENDING QUESTIONS FOREVER !!!

1. off the top of my head i would say that giles and thea were tight in college (she was surprisingly square but they ran in the same circles, idk). xander might have a thing for marigold lowkey because she's verbose and opinionated and this would Not Go Well For Him, or for willow, who would of course be fiercely jealous at even the concept of marigold paying attention to someone else (idek whats going on there man). evie and cordelia would strangely get along really really well and a lot of that has to do with mutual authenticity. buffy and roslin go get manicures together or smth

2. brie would absolutely get along with the entire bakery family really well bc she and marigold are the exact same kind of girl but the problem with this is that marigold's clinical need to be the most specialest girl in the room would kick in and have her out for blood. so yes brie would get along with roslin. for brie's safety she should not get along with roslin

3. elodie .... hm! she's fine and normal. definitely super well adjusted. she's getting such a good grade in trauma recovery and she wasn't even that traumatized anyway because nothing bad has ever happened TO her it just happened NEAR her. it's whatever. do not ask her about it

4. spike would kill lionel dead in seconds either with a well placed observation about every psychological issue that man has or just like. literally killing him. however thinking about this made me realize that i do actually believe lion and xander making out would genuinely fix them both but i do not fucking know how that could POSSIBLY happen

5/6. thea's proposed marriage to darla 17 times and darla is genuinely considering it mostly just to flip off her ex husband who's boring now. norie is obsessed with angel in the same kinda comphet crush way as she is obsessed with that serial killer she knows & angel is EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this. marigold and spike have something genuinely insane happening i think because spike is incredibly perceptive and marigold lies professionally about her feelings all the time, so she hates him on sight and he's like lol whatever i've got your number (which makes her hate him more). ros has an endless amount of patience for drusilla bc she's got a degree in Moderately Creepy Little Sister Who's Actually Soft At Heart so she WILL take tea and cakes w miss edith, for sure. sofie is not allowed near the vampires but keeps on trying to socialize w drusilla who is definitely interested in killing her lowkey (which is giving marigold a constant heart attack).

7. i do believe that the entire seeing red situation would shatter evie more than she's already been shattered and my girl does not need that psychologically which is why she is not IN the buffyverse!!! her vampires treat her right. she's the princess (the girls that get it get it)

#asks #looking at this list like god mari wants to kill so many people to death #which is so funny bc she’s sweet as pie in her natural habitat!!! god bless

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metaltea · 6 months ago

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Mmmm dream talk

Got real tired around the middle of the afternoon and ended up having a 3-4 hr nap lol. It was one of those lucid kinds where I could keep myself myself go back into the dream so i did, over and over and over cause I was having so much fun

I remember something about being a dad with kids on this family trip in like an rv BUT we got transported to another dimension somehow and ended up on this frozen wasteland of iced over water, unable to move the car. We had like 40% battery remaining so I went to go look for land. Ran into this corporate-ass robot thing that told us to stay where we were, that everything would be ok, BUT WE WOULD FREEZE TO DEATH IF WE DID CAUSE WE WERE GONNA RUN OUT OF BATTERY OVERNIGHT!!

So I realized the robot was evil and wanted us to freeze there, dunno why (got vibes from those freakyass robots in alien:isolation tbh it was NOT a good boi) so went back to tell my kids about it and had a little cry

Me and one of my older daughters went to go look for something under the water... don't ask me how we were able to survive under the fucking ICY WATER and not die of hypothermia, we just were- but I gave her a tube to breathe under the water or visa versa and we set off to look for... somehting, can't remember what, while avoiding the evil robot dude

I switched to daughter's POV and she got caught by this other girl who dived in and found her. Turns out she was a daughter of the leader of this island/pocket universe idk and they quickly became friends. She took her in to see her house which was real weird cause it was full of all these things my daughter remembered, like stuff from a halloween party she went to as a smol kid, and it just so happened that her best friend had gone missing during that party way back then... so like she must've gotten sucked into the pocket universe along with these other few ppl

The two girls kinda started catching feelings so she ran off w/ my daughter and went to meet up with me, we somehow got out of the pocket universe but the family of the girl got angry she had disappeared and started searching for her... Idk how but many years later they figured out how to travel into the real dimension to find us

Not sure if this was related but something about two teams of ppl with magic powers facing against each other and killing each other in torturous ways??? Like they kept doing it cause they kept respawning idk

Only one was saved cause they were the cinnamon roll of the groups

Aaaaand that's all I remember lol... I feel really bad cause there were a lot of aspects I wanted to remember and write a story for and kept REPEATING OVER AND OVER EVEN IN MY DREAM BUT NOOOOOOO, as soon as I woke up it all became blurry >:(((( I am once again blocked off from my creative side that exists only in my theta state

my head huuuuuurts tooooo aaAAAA

#Metealtea talks #dream journal

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gayspock · 7 months ago

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emo time right

me in my cycles ive got nothing but empty fucking hours i cant seem to manage to od fucking anything but rot them away and feel lonely and sad and now i have no time to do anything cuz i cant fucking get a grip on anything so help me god i just fuck everything up oh jsut fucking keep fucking doing it so fuckinghelp me god i cant even meet thed fucking bare minimum i get further and furtherin a fucking hole downthe hole every day i want to be cared about or to have it matteror jsut a fucking hcance something thatcsn just be a fucking safety netfor a second andi keep criyng like its going to manifest because icant fucking help myself no matter how hard i try but something something alone somehting something or whatever keep getting yourself into shit situations you cant fucking manage get overwhelmedbreakdown keep triyng until you end up crying because yet again youcant do it . and it feels so embarrassing like it will help like someones going to notice and they never will i cant even fucking feel useless without feeling like a fucking idiot by erveryone becauseyou didnt do enough theres no way you ever do itslike it just means nothing when i try and try and try and nothing matters or changes it jsut gets worse and youre a fucking mooron for trying, youre a moron for failing, youre a moron for getting upset youre a fucking moron for not being able to take it any more and i fuckingweish i could be strong like youremeant to be im fucking not though i cant ufcking handle any of it anymore i cant keep fucking going in circles every fucking day down the fucking plughole itdoesnt matter how much you put into it i feel like im jsut fucking going insane just fuckingknowing how fucking nothing i am and trying not to fucking care go get help i fucking swearto god every time i trytohelp myself everyone just worse and worse and i feel so angry andupset sometimes when people insist it's going to be differentknowing at the end of the day i cant even fucking tell you i told you so when i try again cuz i'll be dumped i think im like a burden of a person i cant feel like i can ever be any more than that and i dont know ikeep fuckinglosing it the what do you fucking do but kill yourself kind of bullshit help me CHRISTTT

#egg.txt

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shortkingvi · 2 years ago

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something something neo being force fed the cat somehting something summer being the woodsman with an axe something something the woodsman cutting open the wolfs stomach to save little red riding hood something. i'm going insane but theres something.

ANON I AM KILLING YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

#you’re so onto something here holyyyyyyyy fuck #asks #anon

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abandonedsdjfhcvndfbv · 1 year ago

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Sorry this got long so readmore lol

Like just a combo wombo of Like idk even the slightest of encouragement sometimes makes my day and today it did. and then combined with nice dreams and waking up like god this is the besti've woken up in a while meanwhile like the night before i literally woke up audibly saying what the fuck because i've been waking up really badly. And then the combo of even just slight encouragement like slight belief in myself and also just reading some cool shit and listening to some nice shit and being excited about planning on learning music and excited about stories and regaining hope in regards to maybe being able to write something worthwhile someday just like how i might one day be a person that's worth somehting after i get out of here and stop making compromises that are slowly killing me and urhghhrhghh i feel like a total sap rn but talking to people about how i want to get out and having people like just know that about me as a fact that i want to get out, i should get out, i'd be happier if i got out, it's so nice, and knowing some people share these sentiments, and knowing we might both get out, it's so nice, i just wish we could all get out together and make it possible and be able to live????? This is the unth fucking time i post about something similar to this but it makes me so emotional like ever since i was fucking 6 or something i always had a vague understanding that i won't get out of here but i think i think i might be able to and it's real that misery isn't all there is to life and that home doesn't have to be the same miserable thing it's always been it's sort of revolutionary because it was one of those things that i just understood that like how we weren't able to travel like all my classmates could i wouldn't be able to get out of here either. We're barely getting by so we can't get out so i can't get out because i am molded to my family because i'm small. But now i'm not small anymore and i can get out!!!!!!!!!! Even just thinking it i feell like i'm gonna die before i can even do it but fuck this is going on too long i don't wanna talk about this shit anymore. it keeps almost making me cr but then it doesnt so it just makes my head hurt

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dipperscavern · 6 months ago

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YOURE FUCKING LYING MY GODDAMN TUMBLR DRAFT OHHHHH IM FUMING

#I AM GOING TO KILL SOMEHTING #IM ACTUALGL GOIGN TO SKLI #ARRHRGRGRGR

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super-secret-super-spy · 1 year ago

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i’m so done. how is anyone supposed to manage in this world, in this strange hell scape we call reality or earth or even the us. i am so done. i am just trying to live a healy balanced life and then it comes and hits me with the your insulin does not work right. even in diabetic communities i still am an outlier. even in queer spaces i am an outlier. why is there not a space built for people like me and not just people similar to me, but like me to a t.

why couldn’t i have just been normal? why did i have to do these hard things in this way and why couldn’t it have all been simple and manageable. this life is not sustainable. i will be gone in 20 years. what can i change about that? i can try, but what does that get me? i want a life that is freeing and not repressive and makes me feel joy. this way i am will not give that to me.

my body is a problem. if i could destroy it, with or without destroying myself as well i would do it. i need a break i need a way out. give me a way out or i will find and force one out of the world. what would happen if i just didn’t eat? i know, but would it make me feel better? i know it won’t but i need to try something, because being active and conscientious and trying to see the positive and everything else has not worked, so when all the impossible has been eliminated, the only thing left is the improbable. i have to try somehting or else i will be stuck in this state or something worse. i can’t deal with anything getting worse. i will not let the circonstances make that choice for me.

i will live an ok life if it kills me. i know it will.

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why is it the only place i feel comfortable airing these feelings is on an anonymous blog in the desolate internet? i literally had a meeting with my therapist just hours ago and i lied and smiled and said everything was going wonderful and the only thing i am ever stressed about right now is work. sure. i know it’s a like and i think so does she but both of us are cowards. i need to sleep otherwise this will continue forever. i’m ok with that for now.

i hm guess i dump this on the internet because who would i tell? my therapist who doesn’t know me even though i have been seeing her for years now? my friend who has gone through this same feeling? my friend who is currently going though this as well? my friend in the hospital for suicide attempts? my friend who will kill himself with anxiety if anything happens ever? my mom who told me my worst case scenario is how my life is playing out right now? my sister who has trie to kill me? my brother who is completely unable of processing anymore trauma without having something like this happen to him? my dead dad? my teachers who i don’t know? my journal who gets checked weekly by friends? there is no safe space for me, no matter what anyone says. i’m so done.

please let me out. i can’t take one more thing. nothing at all.

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mikashi-kahsmi · 2 years ago

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Practice Art of Mai

This was originally a sketch that I had completed using one of my characters, Mai. The purpose of this piece was to practice rendering water, lily pads, various light sources, Mai's facial features and hair-organ, as well as the various nudibranch around her. Of which are her 'Representations'. I was making somewhat decent progress this day, and was enjoying the direction I was taking this art piece, however, what ultimately killed my motivation to complete this was the difficulty I experienced rendering the water. Whether I got frustrated, or fixated too much on the lake, somehting about this made me not want to complete it. I am proud of myself for at least rendering certain parts of Mai's body. I believe I did fine in that department. The water's reflections seemed alright as well, until I attempted to do ripples in the water's surface. So I'll need to practice rendering those more. Or figure out a strategy to at least make it believable. I may remake this art piece one day, but with a different take on what's going on.

My Socials:

YouTube -- 「MIKASHI」 @Mikashi_Kahsmi

Twitter -- https://twitter.com/Mikashi_Kahsmi

Instagram -- https://www.instagram.com/mikashi_kahsmi

DeviantArt -- https://www.deviantart.com/mikashikahsmi

Tumblr -- You're already here.

#character art #oc character #character design #illustration #mikashi kahsmi #practice #rkgk #art study #oc artwork #sketch #Mai (Mikashi Kahsmi)

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publicevidence · 2 years ago

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There are knives in my brain

I feel like it’s in a blender. What is going on. The nail polish fumes are so strong too this is not helping. My heart is speedrunning. I am going to throw up. I want to die. I have the urge to stab myself. The scissors are right here. I could do it. It would be so easy. Nothing is real. Does it even matter? Can’t I just do it? What is stopping me from dismantling this corporeal form?? God isn’t real. I’m barely alive. I always promised myself one day I would kill myself. It could be today. It could be right now. I could do it. I want to bleed I want to taste flesh. I want the mint of blood and metal in my mout I want to punch an airplane. I need to scream I need to run I need to dance I need to bite bite bite bite bite bite bite down on somehting until I feel it burst and taste the inside I want it to be dead and I eat it and it’s good. It is good.

I should go to the gym and see if it’ll fix all this

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slytherinbarnes · 6 months ago

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2x08

no live thoughts bc i was locked in so let me drop my after thoughts

finn will do anything to protect the women he loves. it would have been interesting to see how he handled future moments like praimfaya and josephine!clarke

'we are what we are' is one of my favorite lexa quotes

also 'he did it for me' 'then he dies for you' being such an impactful exchange once you've seen the show and know about lexa and costia and how costia essentially died for lexa too. she delivers the line to clarke so coldly but we know based off s3 that she's still pissed about it. like they really are so alike

clarke confessing her love to finn and then mercy killing him is diabolical but also so perfect. like it had to happen this way but also ow!!!

raven's scream will always be one of the most gut wrenching from the entire season, alongside bell's scream in s4 after echo says she killed octavia. she really put everything into that scene and i was genuinely choking up

okay i think that's all i have other than general annoyance with all the adults lmao

oh and you can tell finn is remorseful!! thinking back on how much vitriol he gets when he isnt even close to being the worst character is so crazy to think about. most everyone else has forgiven him, but they literally say they wonder if he will ever forgive himself. he's worried this is who he is now, and i wonder if some part of giving himself up was because he was afraid of who he would become if he stayed in this for longer. bc he literally refuses to shoot that grounder that knocks out clarke, and when he sees raven willing to shoot murphy and give him up in his place, he literlly taps out and gives himself up. anyways, i think i am tired of seeing people hate on him and act like he wasnt even sorry, even though he's going on a similar arc to lincoln. 'we all have a monster inside of us clarke, and we're all respinsible for what happens when we let it out'

like we can see that lincoln is already struggling with what he did as a reaper, esp against his own people, and i guess i just dont get how people dont see that finn is on the same path?? plus, he takes reposnbility in the end anyways. like he turns himself in so shouldnt that count for somehting

anyways

feel free to tell me im wrong lmoa. im just v curious bc writing sub rosa really forced me to think of WHY these charcters made these decisions. like i had to give narrative background for s3 and s7 bellamy and for s5 clarke and octavia, etc etc etc. and i think bc i spent so much time trying to put myself in their heads to understand why people did what they did, i tend to empathisize more. which is why the adults can annoy me but kane is still one of my top 5 charcters in the end (i will always be pissed at jaha though bc he just does stuff for his ego and fucks things up for everyone. he says it's for his people but he is more concerned with being a savior for his people (see city of light, bunker in s4) than actually saving them)

currently rewatching the 100 while i do my lil crafts and i want a place to drop live thoughts

1x13

obvi decided to do this after almost finishing s1 but i just watched the ark separate from go sci and i am tearing up a lil bit i wont lie. like ugh s1 jaha was so fucking good and then he quite literally becomes the worst lmao

also this will be so controversial but as i was rewatching s1, i do not.....hate finn...... stop throwing rocks at me!!!!! he was a dumb teenager who thought he would never see raven again and yeah he handled it badly and yeah he definitely fucks up big time next season, but i was a big idiot at 17 so i cant say i blame him tbh. like, he's v likeable and i love how much he fights for peace and the way he is so affected by his first kill in the reaper tunnels with clarke

oh kinda on that note, my fave clarke kill is her first non mercy kill. obvi atom is the first official, but i think we really overlook that first grounder she ever killed with the scalpel when her and finn were kidnapped to save anya's second. like eliza is so good with her microexpressions and while she isnt as affected as finn, u can see so much pass over her face in such a short time

okay also s1 kane is so fucking annoying but i love his arc so i am accepting it

and lincoln!!!!! the man that you are!!!!!!! we deserved more time with you

#the 100 #maggie live tweets

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