#i am going through so much rn I'm already so stressed out and you're just gonna add this onto it like what the fuck

[wimsiecal]

I really wish people would stop labeling me and accusing me of shit. Like shut the fuck up dude you can't call me something I haven't outright said that I am because that's MY decision if I want to use a certain label or not. Not yours.

[hypernova-writes]

im. incredibly stressed rn could you perhaps do like,, , a hc list where medic finds out his romantic partner is trans, ftm??? whereas the reader grew up in a dysfunctional household?? its fine if u dont want to you can just do a hc list of romantic medic

a/n: YAY MY FIRST ASK/REQUEST! It's ironic that it's medic, when I have a medic fic that I'll be posting after this! Thank you for sending this in! I hope you enjoy this :D i'll put more at the bottom!

(:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅[̲̅:♡:]̲̅:̲̅:̲̅:̲̅) Medic with a FTM Partner!

First off, bold of you to assume that Medic doesn't already know- But let's just say it's a situation where he doesn't know already!

You'd have to muster up the courage to finally tell him. And when you did, you would end up finding him in his lab, sorting through his newly gotten organs. (You don't question him on how he got them...)

"Um Medic...am I interrupting-?" "OH! Of course not Schatz..I always have time for jou~"

When you finally tell him, he'll stare at you for a bit, then he'll pick you up and twirl you around! He's so happy that you finally felt comfy enough to tell him!

Medic will begin rambling off about all of the things that you would need for a smooth transition!

If you're feeling insecure or having a bad case of body dysmorphia, he will cuddle you and hold you, telling you how amazing you are and how much he loves you!

"Please Please can I do jour top surgery?~"

Expect that question a lot, he's not being weird, he just wants to do it so that he can care for you afterwards!

Literally the best person to be with because if anything goes wrong Medically he can help you out!

He loves you and he's just so grateful that he's your partner!

Easily is able to catch on to your new pronouns.

He WILL end up fighting the other mercs if they fuck up your pronouns. He will not tolerate any disrespect towards you at all!

©hypernova-writes 2024 I hope you enjoy it!! I'm a nonbinary person myself, and currently going though a very stressful time myself, so i want to let you know that if you need anyone to talk to please don's hesitate to message me. :D

[hellativity]

I can still sadpost on tumblr right. You guys won't tell anyone?

- on Saturday night I forgor my zoloft until mid Sunday I think this may have impacted my feelings a bit over the next few days

- I danced (either class or teaching) every day of the week and had a very intense feis (5 rounds close together) on Saturday and then a very intense class (3.5 hrs) on Sunday and I am Wiped Out

- I am taking an online class and i didn't start my homework and I don't have any brain power left tonight to figure it out before it's due, so I emailed the prof to ask if there's a late policy... but if there's not I'm just screwed I guess?

- my acceptance to the program was conditional on me getting a 3.0 each semester which means I need a B in this class

- today in dance we did stamina where she told us which steps to do only 8 bars before we danced them. Halfway through my brain went into panic mode which is not a fun mode to be in when you're already out of breath.

Anyway I asked for a day off from my Wednesday assistant teaching at dance tomorrow, so hopefully I can get a bit of rest and get my late homework in

But also this woman at work put an 8:30am meeting on my calendar.... ma'am why. I am not going to be a pleasant person on a call at 8:30am

Also my dryer is broken rn so I need to run to the laundromat. I'm going to pay for full service which will be VERY good bc I am always behind on laundry. But still that is another errand and therefore adds stress

I have taken on a lot and been (barely) managing it ok so it was only a matter of time before it got to be a bit too much. But I don't think this means I need to drop anything, just need to keep up good nutrition and start my homeworks earlier and I will be fine!

[liminal-lover]

Hello everyone!

This is now a vent account, if you don't already know and you're a follower of mine.

I said I'd make a new pinned post explaining what's going on so...here it is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need to get my stress out some way, and I can't trust family to talk to them, plus it's really uncomfortable. So, I've decided to make this little internet blog a vent space!

You can refer to my blog as "Liminal's Blog" or "Vent Space".

In this blog, I will vent about pretty much anything I want to post. But I want to make sure my followers feel safe and if they need help, this is the blog for them.

So, I've decided that this will also be a safe space for anyone or my followers to vent to through the ask box!

If something is troubling you or if you need someone to vent to, you can vent to me through the ask box, and I'll try to reply as quickly as I can.

I love all my followers and want them to feel like they have someone they can trust. [Anonymous is on as well!]

Also, if I reblog your posts, it's cuz I find them super relatable!!

RULES:

• Before venting, please put trigger warnings if you think something might be triggering to people who read it. (TW for short.)

• Please do not leave hate or political stuff in the asks. If you do, the ask will be ignored/not answered.

• Don't be weird/creepy, that means don't act like a pedo or ask weird sexual questions, the basic dni stuff.

• Threatening is not tolerated, and the ask will be ignored/not answered.

• More rules will be added if needed, or if I think of any more. You're welcome to suggest rules as well as long as the suggestions are appropriate.

Stuff About Me:

• You can call me Liminal.

• I'm female, she/her pronouns.

• I support LGBTQ+

• I am very sensitive and have a lot of mental stuff wrong with me.

• Multifandom (hyperfixating on 2 rn tho)

• I kin a lot of characters...a lot.

• I'm a jirai and a hikikomori, and I consider myself to have somewhat yandere-ish behaviors.

• I love drawing, writing, sleeping, daydreaming, etc.

• Feel free to send me asks if you have any questions about me or stuff listed in the "Stuff About Me:" section. (I LOVE GETTING ASKS!!)

REQUESTING INFO/RULES:

○ I probably won't draw super detailed over the top things, so don't try and request it if you know it's too hard to draw. If you're unsure, just send an ask, and I'll let you know.

○ I'll most likely get the drawing/s done quicker if it's one of my current fandoms. [LIST OF FANDOMS HERE!!]

○ I won't draw characters that have a lot of NSFW type stuff. I think it's weird, to be honest...

○ I won't draw stuff like TCOAAL.

○ If you ask me to draw an animal, it's going to be in a chibi style.

○ More rules will be added if needed.

USERBOXES!!:

More stuff will be added if needed to. Thanks for reading my intro! You're amazing <3.

[hexgaywire]

"Stress Packing (and Airport Coffee)"

»»————-　☾　————-««

Pairing: Hex Haywire x (GN) Reader

Warning: Hex calling you darling once, mentions of anxiety and anxious behavior, probably some swearing too?

Word count: 684

Authors note: Listen y'all the last time on of my oshi's went on break they were gone for a month. I'm not saying by any means that they shouldn't take breaks!!! Rest is important for them and I'm always happy when my oshi's give themselves the time and space to relax. However that doesn't mean I won't miss them. AKA I'm mentally ill and coping rn LMFAO

»»————-　☾　————-««

He stressed packed all night. He was up so you were up. "I know it's only for a short trip but like what if I get super cold?" Hex asks, shoving yet another coat into his already packed bag. "Sure sure, and are we planning to get any sleep before your flight in...." You check your phone's clock. " 4 hours? Or am I gunna need to drop you off with a coffee in my hand? " You ask smugly. " I already told you to get some sleep." He fired back, but you know how he gets before trips. Anxious. You weren't just gonna leave him like that.

Hex was on the floor packing at the foot of the bed while you peered down from him at the edge of the bed. He sighs heavily before ripping the coat that he just shoved in, back out tossing it over his shoulder alongside numerous other items you know you'll be picking up once he's gone.

"Hex you're gonna be fine. You said to yourself, it's only a short trip. This is supposed to be relaxing." You pat him on the head. He takes your hand and places a gentle kiss on the center of your palm. " You're gonna miss me right?" You melt, the look in his eyes is almost enough to force him to cancel this whole trip all together so he can stay with you. "Silly, you know I will. I'll be right here for you when you get back." He smiles before going back to fussing with his luggage. "Besides who's gonna pick you up from the airport when you're back if not me?" He paused and looks back up at you." Ver? Or maybe Doppio or Mel-" you wap him on the shoulder.

The next few hours are a blur. Watching Hex pack and unpack again, and it almost lulls you to sleep... Almost. Hex stands finally. "Satisfied?" You ask sleepily. "'I think so. I'm gonna make myself some tea really quick. Would you like some darling?" You nod. Hopping the caffeine will hold you over for the next hour before you have to take him to the airport.

You hear Hex move around the kitchen. It's gonna be awfully quiet the next couple days. You've lived alone before for sure, but something about sharing a space with a person you care about and hearing them move through their day is comfortable. You just hope Hex can actually take this time to relax and not worry about his other responsibilities. Otherwise all this built up anxiety will be for not.

Hex enters the bedroom again shortly after with two cups of tea in hand. He passes one off to you before plopping down next to you, taking a much deserved drink of his tea. "I just realized... I think I actually am gonna miss you." You stare down at your tea. Hex snorts before feigns offense. "I cannot believe the audacity you have to say that to me, your ass better be standing on the tarmac waving a handkerchief as I leave or I'm gonna be pissed. " He wipes fake tears from his eyes. You lean your head on his shoulder giggling." Yeah yeah, you know what I'll be the one controlling the stick things out on the tarmac." "I'm now terrified for my flight, thanks." You both laugh.

You sit there still on Hex's shoulder as the two of you finish your tea. "About time yeah?" He asks. You nod, going to stand up but hex tugs you back down. Wrapping his arms around you in a tight hug. "Take care of yourself while I'm gone, yeah?" You laugh. "Hex, baby girl, don't go stealing my lines." He squeezes you tighter and places a kiss on the top of your head. "I will definitely update every chance I get, of how relaxed I am." You breathe in the smell of his clothes one last time before parting from the hug." I know you will. Now come on, I've got an airport coffee calling my name; and you have a flight to catch."

»»————-　☾　————-««

Psst my request are open still 🫰

[knifearo]

hi, i’m having a really hard time rn and i found a post of yours randomly on my dash, so i’m not sure if you’ve already answered a thing like this. if you have, feel free to just ignore this! if you haven’t though, how did you know you were asexual? i feel like romance is just a hypothetical for me, but i crave it so badly. it just feels like the second i try to put anything into action, im suddenly repulsed. but it also makes me so sad that i respond this way. am i just socially anxious, or does this sound like an aromantic who has fallen victim to societal standards?

hi hiiiii!!! first of all: i love you and you're doing great. second of all: being aroace, my discovery of aspec stuff kind of went hand in hand. i was lucky enough to have terminology available to me, and figured it out pretty young; i had a lot of the same stuff going on, though. when someone first suggested i might be ace, i (not really knowing enough about what that meant) said "sure, but i want a partner. someone who's always there with me and supporting me." later that year/the year after, i looked a little more into it and went, "oh, that's what it is!" and then it felt super natural from there to pick up the aromantic label too. to me, they've always been intertwined.

the actual things that helped me Figure It Out were definitely shared experiences (hearing people describe squishes was an aha moment for sure, and hearing someone say that they had thought sexual attraction was a joke and then realizing that it. wasn't an elaborate inside joke. very jarring lmao) but i definitely had the same hesitations when it came to romance. six or seven years after coming out, i've since realized that what i wanted wasn't actually a partner; i was craving intimacy and the feeling of being special and prioritized by someone, and the way i'd been programmed to want that was through a partner. i'm super strong about being non-partnering now, and i feel that all my needs in that direction are met by my close personal relationships, cause what i actually wanted was never romance; at least personally, it never occurred to me that you would probably want to like. kiss a partner. maybe share a bed or smth. not a single thought in my head about that lmao

if you're feeling repulsed, my instinct is to say that it's probably not something that you want. my advice here is to really examine what you're looking for. do you want romance because you want romance, or because amatonormativity has gotten it into your head that romance is the only way that you can have certain things?

another thing to consider is that amatonormativity can and will kind of like. program you to want romance. and it can be really hard to let go of that, even if romance is something that actively repulses/stresses you out. remember that you have a lifetime behind you of being told that romance is the greatest thing on earth, that it completes you, that it's life's ultimate goal, and that that stuff can be hard to overcome. i know a lot of people feel a fair bit of grief over losing the chance at romance, even if the reason is that they don't actually want romance. it's a strange place to be in. your prerogative here is to figure out your own personal relationship with romance, and however it ends up, that's fine.

it's also totally possible that you're aromantic and you just want romance. that's totally fine! wanting romantic interactions does not constitute romantic attraction, which is the core thing here. you can be aromantic and be in a romantic relationship. the external things are not as important as how you feel on the inside.

so much more that i could say, but i'll try and pause myself here for now. to quote one of my own posts: you can literally just be aromantic. it's free and nobody's stopping you. as long as that label is useful to you, it's yours. look more into amatonormativity, think a lot about things, and spend some time in community spaces; you have all the time in the world, and all the support you could ever want from me and the rest of the community <3 stop by in the ask box or the dms anytime! absolute best of luck to you. kisses <3

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: Sui ideation, self-harm, general sui warning because idk?

Looking for: Advice

Okay, so, I'm kind of really scaring myself lately. I'm used to being able to be hit with emotional stuff and cope (in healthy or minorly unhealthy ways).

But lately I've been having worse s/h urges than usual (I want to actually draw blood and/or get something sharp to use), and there's been a couple times where the suicidal urges have been really strong.

There was a point a few years ago where I was on the edge of going and committing suicide, but my Mother (though unhelpful, could stop me) was there at the time and I didn't s/h. I've hit that point again a couple of times, and the only thing I've really managed to do with it is say "let me just do this thing, and then we'll go". Said thing is really easy for me to get locked into hyperfixation loops on so bad I'll fall asleep doing it, which is why it's my go-to, but I'm scared if I get bored of it I won't have anything stopping me anymore.

And whenever I get to these points I think, maybe I should call a hotline or something or have Mother (albeit. sleeping.) call the hotline, but I keep thinking I'm not actually going to do anything, I'm not actually feeling these urges I'm just stressed and thinking of easy outs and I just want attention.

And I know you're supposed to "call before it's too late" and "you're not seeking attention" but also. How do I know the difference between just wanting to and being at genuine risk of doing something? What if I'm really just over exaggerating? Maybe part of this is because the last time I got to this point Mother said I was being sensitive and it was my fault, etc., but I don't know.

And it's usually worn off when I wake up, so it's not really an emergency I guess? Not like I have a note or anything set up if it does happen or like I have a method or anything. There's no plan it's just like...I want to just walk out on the road and let it happen. Maybe that counts as a plan. I don't know.

But either way, I just. I don't know. It's never been so strong and so real so often, that one time was rock bottom in an already dark place, but now it's happening consistently, at least once a week if not twice or more. And it's stupid because then, like, I could be on the verge of just going through with it one night, and the next day going "yeah idk what the fuck I was on about this is tolerable", so it feels even more invalid and idk. It's so stupid. I have no idea when I should really take the risk of trying to call something or however that works (I don't even know how it works.) and I'm scared if I tell my therapist about it, he won't let me choose he'll just call. But what if I am just exaggerating and he tells me that I'm just overreacting?? Fjdjansnwjajsnnf

Haven't said anything because the only people with me rn are my Mother (concerns discussed), my therapist (concerns discussed), and my brother but. Idk. I'm scared my brother will just think I'm overreacting to nothing or whatever (he doesn't know most of my life history, and struggles understand stuff like neurodivergence beyond stereotypes, and while he brought up it sounded like I had depression at one point, I'm still unsure on where he might stand with mental illness), or that I'll just be adding to an already very loaded plate. Same with Mother. Everyone's got too much shit and if I add this to that it's just make everything so much worse.

Trying to make this as stable as possible, I'm sorry I'm going through it rn lol. I tried to cut the fluff but I'm super foggy right now and yeah. I'm gonna go do my hyperfixation thing before I do something stupid, but I appreciate any advice you can give.

(And, if you think I should be calling someone at these points, resources would be appreciated because I don't actually know what to do and if I have to tell someone I don't want them calling 911 or something. I'm not sure how reasonable that anxiety is, but yeah. Thanks. Have a good day <3)

- Ghost (👻) (Tumblr never likes to let me search my ask so I'm attempting to sign it this time so it may go through, sorry if the thing is taken)

Hi Ghost,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with suicidal thoughts. Please know that it's okay to call or text a crisis hotline even if you're not literally on the brink of suicide. Having the thought can escalate very quickly regardless of how many times you've had that thought before, so it's better to be safe than sorry. If you ever have those thoughts again, know that you are welcome to text HELP to 741741, text or call 988, or browse this masterpost of international crisis hotlines. I can assure you that there are no repercussions to reaching out to 741741 or 988, but I am less familiar with the resources on the masterpost, so do keep that in mind.

If anyone has any additional comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[mcrcki]

hello fellow investigators (i say as if i don't have all the answers and am only holding the magnifying class to look like i'm fitting in) anyways!! welcome to me rambling for no reason on a combo plot / starter call for hwevent15 !!! i will probably update this as the event progresses , or drop individual calls depending on the results but for now, this is just a blanket idea of where all my muses heads are at when the first murder gets reported!! so, please understand my super simple rules before reading on --  like for a plotting dm !! and then SPECIFY characters for the starters or like deadass i will not write it! the starter cap is four per writer !! i just wanna make sure i get to write with everyone!!  ** please note that i will most likely be taking this opportunity to drop a bunch of old threads (unless they are plot heavy / newer), so if you request a thread for a pairing of ours, i will likely delete the older one. this really only applies to those that are focused heavily on the violentines day mini event from earlier this year! but as always, thank you for taking the time to read through my ramblings, please enjoy me talking to myself for a while and i really really hope you all love this event as much as we all love it !!!!

daniela dimitrescu || resident evil : village ( 2 / 5 )

she/they pronouns - like always, dani is thriving in these situations. they are kinda loving the energy that is in the streets, i mean people are afraid of everyone, accusing anyone and there's just bodies being left??? she's gonna absolutely be taking advantage of that. i mean, a free meal is a free meal right? ➳ potential plots : unrelated murder lol, injuring people, throwing off the trail, giving people the wrong information, just all around menacing people

alcina dimitrescu

elliot alderson

elain archeron || a court of thorns and roses ( 0 / 5 )

she/her pronouns - will be stress baking her way through this tyvm, she basically still just got here and elain handles transitions very poorly. she's already been so stressed with the fact that her sister has been here for so long, some of the inner circle doesn't remember everything that happened, people don't remember her at all-- safe to say she is hiding in her bakery. she is a lover not a fighter, unless necessary but ya know rn, she doesn't want to be ➳ potential plots : free baked goods for people helping solve the mysteries, someone to help reassure her, people she can help, someone that might be able to help her use her seer abilities to help solve things, open for injuries :)

starters

ellie williams || the last of us ( 1 / 5 )

they/she pronouns - okay cool cool cool , so there aren't any infected around here but there are serial killers????? yeah that makes them feel so much better. though, tbh they'll probably be out thinking they can solve all these mysteries, will probably get involved really quickly even if they will just be providing dumb answers only. will be checking in on friends and family, cause like fuck are they losing anyone. no thank you !!! milliams family you better be keeping your phones on you. ➳ potential plots : general tomfoolery, pretending you're detectives together, helping someone know how to fight, someone to make light of all of this with, open for injuries :)

dina

kaya dura || star wars - the clone wars ( 0 / 5 )

they/she pronouns - kaya cannot catch a break, this is something that is only going to make it worse. i really don't know if this whole situation is going to make them want to fall further into the jedi training, or is worried that somehow its not enough. i mean, there's always some nightmare thing going on in this city, is their training now enough??? she just wants to keep her family safe. will be having a breakdown but will offer up help if asked ➳ potential plots : who wants to tell them the jedi are in fact-- not all powerful, people they can protect, general helpful opinions, just someone to take your mind off things with, open for injuries or unrelated murder :))

starters

leia organa || star wars ( 1 / 5 )

she/her pronouns - ngl leia is staying so fucking close to her detail right now, she has been through enough in the past year, and she is more worried than ever about losing her memories again since she isn't sure if she'll forget being president a second time. she also is staying well away from any fighting, she simply cannot afford to trigger bastilla-- but if her family gets hurt, i can't make any promises. in the meantime, she is going to be doing everything she can to stop this, pulling military help, getting whatever she can to assist, etc. she's not going down in a pr nightmare this time ➳ potential plots : someone to instigate said pr nightmare, people she can assist in keeping safe, political conversations about what resources they can pull to help, people to test her patience, open for injuries :)

vex de rolo

marlene mckinnon || harry potter - marauders era ( 5 / 5 )

she/they pronouns - fresh secret service agent alert!! this time around things are gonna be so different for marlene. she's like so used to dicking around and getting drunk during these kinds of disasters, but now she as a Real Job during this and will be sticking very close to her charge, sorry jacen lol. but honestly, is gonna be very much focused on Not Fucking Up their first disaster as an agent so wish them luck pls and thank you ➳ potential plots : she likes to think she's really good at solving things like this so will def be offering advice, people she can protect?, someone who needs a little extra like encouragement to relax, open for injuries or unrelated murder :))

narcissa malfoy

ginny weasley

jacen solo ( meme sent )

oliver mckinnon

maddie mckinnon

morrigan || a court of thorns and roses ( 0 / 5 )

she/her pronouns - uh yeah @ the human world what the fuck is this??? y'all just chilling, having serial killers running around like it's no big deal?? no thank you!!!! she is just trying to get herself fucking sorted in the city. but she will be there, keeping people safe because if nothing else, mor is that kind of person. if she sees people taking advantage of the fear to make it worse, she's jumping in. mainly focused on keeping her family safe, but, she'll help where she can ➳ potential plots : offering to protect people, helping ease any fear, helping with theories, open for injuries :)

starters

omega archeron || star wars - the bad batch ( 1 / 5 )

she/they pronouns - didn't we just do this shit???? omega's over it. will absolutely not be getting involved, will not be trying to help, will truly be ignoring it and going about their life. they cannot keep getting involved in all of this mess, they will just be making sure to keep locations on on their phone, making sure their family and friends answer texts, and otherwise? pls do not think she's here to help until someone actually needs help and then she's actually just a liar and will be very involved ➳ potential plots : people to ignore this with, lowkey debating throwing a whole party so people to come to that, someone who needs help, open for injuries or unrelated murder :))

jill roberts

pj halliwell || charmed '98 ( 3 / 5 )

she/they pronouns - mentally !? not doing well! so this is just the icing on the fucking cake right now, god. like, okay they're doing better but this is making it worse, almost immediately. especially because there has never been a disaster that she'd been able to fucking ignore, so, next gen charmed one is on her way. she will be doing whatever they can to help, assisting police and victims, offering up her help of scrying and other witchy things, just anything and everything. it'll give them a task. they love tasks. ➳ potential plots : someone who needs help, police she can assist?, someone to vent to, open for injuries or unrelated murder :))

josie saltzman

wyatt halliwell

gnudy niknud

rosemary winters || resident evil : village ( 3 / 5 )

she/they pronouns - breaking news : local girl cannot catch a break. seriously, rose just wants to be normal!!! it's summer!!!!! her classes are over!!!! she has a crush she's trying to see through!!! she was working on controlling their moldiness!!!! and now this?? nah, they are just going to be sticking close to the school, not getting involved, hanging out with her friends as much as she can just to make sure they're all safe. will be ignoring this for as long as they possibly can ➳ potential plots : who wants to have a sleepover and pretend nothing is going on!!!, other xmen characters bc she's vibing at xaviers school like this whole time, people to drag them into some kind of mess, open for injuries :)

charles xavier

eddie munson

mouse honrada ( moon made one )

ahkmanrah (meme post)

rowena ravenclaw || harry potter - founders era ( 2 / 5 )

she/her pronouns - starting a tally for how many of my girls are simply Over It™ and staying the fuck out of all of this. rowena will be doing what she can from the sidelines, mainly making sure her family stays very safe, assisting with the police if need be, but really, she is not getting involved unless someone gets her involved. sure, could she probably solve all of these clues very easily? yeah. is she really wanting to even think about it? no not at all. ➳ potential plots : someone to drag her into it, someone who needs help, other people who just want life to be normal, open for injuries :)

helga hufflepuff (mario made one)

hunter

sella palpatine || star wars ( 5 / 5 )

she/her pronouns - ok so like.. maybe having a detail isn't so bad. she will be right at steve's side like the whole time, she is not letting herself go down again like stars, she has dealt with enough in the past few months she doesn't need to go through more. honestly, this might also pull her out of her petty moment and like, go and make up with her family just because she needs to know they're all safe. and if something happened to them while she was being petty, she won't forgive herself. ➳ potential plots : others who are scared about this whole thing, survival buddy, open for injuries :)

hope mikaelson

naomi pierce

sabina palpatine ( meme sent )

samara palpatine ( dead -- ill make up for it post event )

sion val palpatine

sophie hatter || howl's moving castle ( 0 / 5 )

she/they pronouns - throw another tally on the list of people who are over it!! making howl ward their apartment and is laying low. people are welcome to come stay with them, she will be stress cleaning the entire time, but will definitely be staying out of it so long as her family is safe. she's keeping morgan out of school, the shop is going to be closed until these people are caught, just absolutely keeping everyone they hold dear at their side. ➳ potential plots : people to join in the most stressed out sleepover ever, someone that needs help, someone to drag them out of their house, open for injuries :)

starters

tatum riley || scream '96 ( 2 / 5 )

she/her pronouns - is in the hospital and will likely be there for the duration of this event with the physical therapy she has to go through and all the healing etc. lowkey pissed about it, knowing that her family is out there, dealing with a fucking ghostface resurgence (bc she is so utterly convinced she was just the start of it, that now that there are all these secret killings going on, how could she not be convinced that it's billy and stu???) will be panic calling everyone trying to make sure all of their locations are on, doing whatever she can from a damn hospital bed ➳ potential plots : people coming to visit, phone threads, someone to come give her the rundown of what's going on, hospital staff she can annoy, police she can annoy that dewey put on to watch her room, open for further injuries :)

buffy summers

roman roy

victoria sutherland || twilight ( 2 / 5 )

she/her pronouns - victoria is absolutely going to be using this event to let off some freaking steam, she is taking the opportunity to just go on a bit of a rampage tbh. she likes the fact that she can blame literally anyone else for it and who's going to stop her?? she has had so much go on in the past few weeks she needs this, so so sorry to anyone who has a working heart and passes by her bc she's at an all you can eat buffet :) ➳ potential plots : unrelated murdering, injuring people, being an all around menace and monster, pointing people in the wrong directions, people to join her in the chaos she is creating

enjolras

benjamin (dead -- ill make up for it post event)

ylfa snorgelsson || d20 : neverafter ( 2 / 5 )

she/they pronouns - ylfa's bottleneck is open for business babey!!! let someone come at them, they are ready to let their powers show again. they are sort of hoping that if they do end up getting into a fight it'll help them learn how to use them again now that they aren't super used to using them every day. she's pretty good with puzzles and things so she'd like to help where she can, but will definitely be leaning towards fighting if she needs to fight. ➳ potential plots : people she can beat up, people who need protecting, someone who can idk make sure they aren't sleeping in the park in the midst of this, open for injuries or unrelated murder :))

laudna

fabian seacrest

[sugar-omi]

honestly all that was sooo what i needed to hear rn bc a girls been STRESSED so thank you <3 😭

i'm gonna major in biotechnology! i went to a votech and that was my trade there and i loved it so i wanna continue studying it. not totally sure what job i want yet so i don't know how much schooling i'll do but yeah! :D

BIOTECH??? THAT SOUNDS SO COOL N SO COMPLICATED please i literally had to google that shit bc idk what it entails but this is some big brain shit, n all i gotta say is good luck n i am cheering you ON!!🎉🫶🫶

although i think you got this in the bag already. anyone with the balls to do something so advanced. is a very smart n strong person. from what im reading on google this is some really cool shit, no matter what direction you go with it. n you have your work cut out for you, but i know you got this!!

so don't doubt yourself!! you got this!!! your brain is huge n you are powerful!!!!

n of course!!! i figured saying something like that would help with anyones anxiety, because really, its the pressure (even if they're not actually pressuring you) and the overwhelm of questions and expectations that make the future so stressfullll

*ramble utc because i... cannot help yapping i guess LOL and while i'd usually be embarrassed and delete my ramble n word vomit, but i figure someone else readding this may appreciate the relatability of what i have to say about my fams reaction to my plan after hs, and find some comfort in my word, if thats not to presumptuous

because i decided to take a gap year (it's been a year since i graduated, for reference), and everyone freaked out. my mom n uncles first reaction was "yeah well, you won't go if you do..." before they came around n agreed with my reasoning. and my dad was all "if i had it my way, you'd go full time--" (mind u, he likes to brag that he worked n went to school full time AND partied.... he did not finish college LMAO) and when i graduated, said to me a MONTH. AFTER MY GRADUATION. "if you're not going to college any time soon, go into the air force."

and when my extended family would ask my plans, and i only had a short "i'm just gonna take a break right now, figure some things out, work... and by then i'll have come to a decision." because i was tossing around the thought of art school, and then i thought abt getting an english degree to be either a teacher or go into writing/editing, journaling or whatever... but was also tossing around the thought of psychology and even real estate. my ideas for my future were absolutely jumbled, and i was torn between what would make money, what i loved, and what i was interested in that i thought could be a career.

it's tough. especially depending on your financial situation yknow, so your thought process always leads towards something profitable but also wanting to do something you enjoy, maybe even love, but not wanting to burn out and tarnish your beloved hobby/hobbies.

like while i did have people who supported me upfront, and never doubted my plan, it's the small things too yknow. because for months my dad's words haunted me, i felt like i wasn't doing enough. or when i met family, and they asked how it was going, or what i was doing now, i felt disappointed that my answer was always "i haven't been doing anything. just been sleeping, drawing, writing..." or eventually that and "practiced driving.. n that's about it."

or when i'd talk to close family members, and i admitted i was going through a hard time, my mental state finally falling on me now that i didn't have to be strong n power through school. i even got sick a couple times, because my body was finally feeling the stress. even now, i feel a mental lag, a fog. but i feel clearer, a bit.

but yknow, the looks and the "you said that last time" or "i think you're lying" is tough.

but at the end of the day, if not working for the summer, or not going to college for a semester, or 2, or 3, or a whole year. or if going part time, or whatever you're doing... and it benefits you, and it benefits your mental health. then do it, don't listen too much, don't feel too guilty.

because if you need it, just like i needed the time to rejuvenate, then don't listen to anyone else. don't force yourself to do anything. because if you have the ability to take a break now, do it. you're not doing this because you're lazy, or selfish, or unambitious. or anything like that. you're taking that break, you're taking this break right now, for future you.

because if you don't take it now, when will you take it? and when you do take a break... will it be at the cost of your health? will it be at the cost of something greater? when the break comes, will it come when you're being handed the gold medal you've been fighting for.. and then it slips out of your hand just like that.

anyway.. do whats best for you. what you need. don't worry about figuring things out too fast either, because in fact, i've been plotting this moment of my life for about 10 years, genuinely, and i still had to revise it. still had to come to a conclusion because even with all that plotting, it doesn't plan for the hard times. or the 'you' you are right now. you will be someone else next week. and you will be someone entirely different 2 months from now.

take your time. because if you jump into something, and are unsatisfied, or "waste" time doing something other than what you "should be doing", the time still passes.

if you "waste time" anyway, waste it on yourself. not others expectations. or wishes. or their dreams.

and once enough time passes as well, no matter what you do by then. the questions do stop coming. the weight of the future, once you get there, is suddenly not so... big. intimidating.

you do not need a grandiose plan. if you are content with the future in your mind, that is enough. because at the end of your life, who will sit in that chair and ponder the life you lived, and weight it's satisfaction, if not you?

[silvershayde]

Sharing cus tbh I feel lonely rn and I'm very confused? Feeling s bit uninspired

So today (last day of classes before mid term break) I had an eye appointment and they said my eyes produce less tears, Haven't read up on it but they also mentioned technology and how it causes headaches

I'm almost done with school so I actually have soooooooo much free time sans the studying I gotta do, but I also wanne reduce my technology usage cus I have a crippling dependency ever since I had to revise my other hobbies to not get out of track with classes, but just thinking of picking up those hobbies again feels daunting and like, I won't be able to feel the love I had for them which makes me sad :(

I already crochet and have books to draw in, but writing for fic has always been online cus it's just easier to save and preserve my writing that way (plus more secure in my case) than to write ideas in a book and run the risk of them getting lost. But I really wanna cut down tech usage so instead of just writing out the plot in full I'll use paper and pen to write out the outline of my story plots and then make notes of the misadventures or side quests the characters go through and the characteristics of the characters

Honestly, I'm talking about this to someone else cus I kinda want an alternative perspective? I realised that school has made me so dependent on someone telling me what to do and I hate it, so I wanna try and practice independence more, especially planning how I wanna do my hobbies

okay, so as someone who has written stories both online and physically in a book, i was more productive writing it down on paper. sadly i did lose the book, but that was more because i did move around quite a bit when i was younger and it was hectic and not because of negligence on my part (then again i am also known for losing things but usually i eventually find them. and i actually don't know if i would read it back or not i was like 12 when i wrote it lolol)

I don't know too much about less tears can do to your eyes other than your more prone to have irritation and straight up scratches on the eyeball (i know this because my optician told me i had this but then didn't tell me what to do about it - still haven't done anything about it but i know eyedrops help)

honestly do what you truly think is best for you. if you're struggling with what to choose i suggest doing a pros and cons list and put em side by side. that's what i do when i'm truly indecisive and other's opinions don't really help. but! i will say that even if indecisive and asking others opinions, usually you lowkey know deep down what you wanna do and all it takes is someone else's thought process to know if you would fully go for it.

if you wanna cut down tech usage, instead of going cold turkey and making it harder for yourself, use night shift/night light (or whatever is your device/phone's equivalent) so you can reduce blue light at night. I know that androids have this black and white thing that gets enabled at a time for you. ALSO!! i cannot stress this, disable notifications. You'd be surprised about how much less you'd go on apps and stuff when notifs be off. But this is all the stuff that's worked for me personally, you can try these out to see if they work.

eye strain is a very real thing. technology/screens/whatever are usually what causes this and even looking away from a screen and doing something else can make it worse if it gets that bad. when you start to get that annoying thing at the back of your eyes or you feel a light ache around your eyes, know your slowly starting to experience eye strain and you need to relax them. having dry eyes i think make it worse because of the scratching/irritation it can cause and because if your eyes are dry enough, your ability to BLINK would start to get affected. and that's just a long day

about your other hobbies, i get it feeling daunting if you havent dabbled in a while, i feel it whenever i get back to drawing after a long while. all i can say to that is slowly ease yourself back into doing it. start small, because if you go in acting as if there has been no time between the last time you've participated in your hobbies, you could start being overly harsh on yourself if it isn't going as smooth as you wanted. but trying it out, is better than not at all. and it'd help reduce screen time

[wheremermaidsdwell]

no one has asked but because i like the verse (obviously, given i wrote 80k for it) i have thought about this, and ex, I have thought about how i will probably never write a full sequel for hntd, although i have a follow up oneshot i will post soon and might write another one or two as time moves on. one of the last comments i got "I loved this story. And i think I needed the hopeful ending." covers why

reason:

seeing as it's a story about love and eating disorders and reclaiming control of your life part of a longer length sequel would probably require being about a relapse for Chrissy ( a big life change/development happening at the same time which would be the main plot something like eddie getting a chance at a record deal) and it being her worst one so it'd be. uh. not joyful to go into though obviously i'd end it with her recommitting to her recovery and adding to her tools and probably seeking more help (like she starts going to a support group etc) because she accepts she needs more if she could fall back like that. It would also be rough for her and eddie because a relapse like that would mean she is hiding it from him in the beginning so it would start with her already relapsing and actively hiding it, and feeling like shit and it would start unraveling very painfully.

and I just don't know if that's a story that needs to be out in fandom. It's a very real story though! I have gone through two major relapses and struggle in smaller ways even when I'm "recovered" and eating disorders are things that just....do not go away. you're stuck with them. they break your brain. Whenever I talk about mine I always hope that it deters anyone reading if they have their own urges. Stopping early is so much better! I almost failed my first semester senior year of college because mine was destroying me. literally my psychiatrist asks me 'but are you doing behaviors' when I express that i'm having urges. because that's when it changes from 'stressful problem for me and my therapist' to 'dangerous' and she will affirm me if i'm not taking actions which is always jarring because my brain feels like a bomb sometimes.

(i am......somewhere in between rn. i have started eating better breakfasts!!!!)

so yeah, idk if fandom need a story about a relapse. i have to finish several other projects rn, so we'll see I suppose, but I doubt I will ever want to write a full sequel. it's a very lovely story as it is. I like being able to leave people with the hope of chrissy improving her life and her and eddie looking forward to Who Knows What but that it's Probably Good. It makes me feel good too.

[songmingisthighs]

WHY I WENT MIA

spoiler alert : it's not alien abduction

tw : everything triggering, read at your own risk

so i almost comitted suicide several times around the 24th-25th

it all began when i was a child but we don't have time for that crap so i'm gonna cut to the chase.

Recently things has been pretty hard for me with financial issues and stress over what the fuck i'm doing with my life, not to mention the ridiculous pressure my parents put on me (in a way that i had told them would not be effective on me as it would just cause me harm esp to my mental health that both my parents, esp my mom, decide to ignore) and my extended family, and what i want, and it was all just ridiculous. Not to mention something specific happened recently that kinda just made me gave up because it felt like a betrayal, abandonment, and the way it happened was just so absolutely unfair and out of the blue like i wasn't even informed of what happened until i seek for answers myself. It was just horrible and i was really going to go through with it. I had suicide notes ready and everything and i could've decided to do it on the 23rd but it was yunho's birthday and i wasn't gonna miss that so my options were on the 24th or 25th bc my parents were gone and had anything happened, i wouldn't be rushed to the hospital.

I was alone and i felt alone despite having one last friend to talk to but that friend was just sooooo so so so far away and idk it felt hopeless. It wasn't until i accidentally hinted to someone about what i was gonna do and they figured it out and after a whole shenanadoodles (at first this person was like "i can't be selfish, i can't keep you here because who tf am i?") and some words used on me, that person accidentally canceled my self destruction. It was literally something that no one had ever said to me in a sense of the intention and the words used. It was literally "you can't go anywhere now, you're staying to write for me" and it wasn't the sentiment that i HAVE to live for this person now, but it was the fact that i was given a purpose. this person wanted me and they have plans for me and that gave me an immediate feeling of security. It's so stupid, i know but it happened. That was what happened and i'm still at shock because that person said they didn't even know that it would work.

if someone goes to you, telling you they wanna end their life, i implore you to NEVER say "don't do it, but i'm not gonna stop you". because that kinda feels like you don't care and by god, this person is already suicidal now you're telling them that YOU wouldn't care whether or not they leave ???????

i can't speak for other people with suicidal tendencies or behaviour but i'm so glad to have the friends that i have rn. I used to say i don't have much friends but oh my god after being open about this, i realized how many friends i have and how easy it is to ask someone to be your friend.

I'm sharing this to not upset anyone but because i want my blog to be a very transparent and open space. I don't feel normal because i don't see people sharing about their experience esp with suicidal behaviour and/or tendencies bc it's a taboo and it's potentially triggering. that's why i don't feel normal and it makes me think that since i'm not welcomed, i'm not like anyone, i should just not be here. Someone told me to remove myself from uncomfortable situations and i took it to a whole new level. It didn't occur to me how much people cared for me and seriously, i'm just so very thankful. I know i have a long way to go and i'm gonna have more hardships to come, but right now i feel like the people who i have around me can help me even by just doing stupid shit like sending ateez pics or telling a random annecdote or even frantically trying to find a topic that can distract me.

this space that i have created is a safe space. I personally don't get triggered by other people's experience but i get it. honestly, i want to make a safe, open space for people but i just don't know how to. but that's basically what happened to me this past week.

to everyone who are still with me today, i want to thank all of you so much and while i don't know how to thank each of you privately or directly, i just want you to know i love you so much. God the love i received these past couple of days has just been making my heart feel full and honestly it kinda feels like i'm gonna pee. but eh what do i know.

[fairycosmos]

hi love, hope you're doing well, I know a lot of people say this BC it's true but your posts and advice and wisdom etc etc is just sooo lovely to read honestly. so I saw you used to be a TA but quit cos it was like too much for your mh and stuff I'm in the exact same position rn and I just wondered if u have any like info/advice anything really like... obv dw about me taking whatever u say as too final but like, is it a silly job role to have when ur someone who really finds life so draining so easily and struggles w mental health often? like even tho working w kids is lush in general. cos Im on a break rn w an agency and then planning on going part time at some point but even then that seems scary af.

hiii sorry for the late response to this - i hope you still see it. i wanted to say i totally understand being overwhelmed in this way. working with kids can be wonderful but it is also absolutely draining and when you're already emotionally drained just in general- it gets to be a lot. i was at a breaking point with it, too. just the constant pressure of it. needing to take a step back is absolutely fine. last time i worked childcare, i was (i guess i still am lol) incredibly depressed, and with the insane hours i was working (it was a nursery that stayed open late LOL) and the high-stress esp for low pay (apprenticeship wages 🙄) it just wasn't sustainable. something had to give at that moment for me to feel like staying alive was even possible, and it's alright to admit that. i think when i quit, i even told my boss something along the lines of "im not giving the children the presence of mind they deserve because im in a really bad place right now', and it kind of helped me to frame it that way. that by doing what was right for me, i would also be doing what was right for the kids, even if it was painful and bittersweet and made me feel like a failure.

i guess i also want to say that just because you're feeling this way right now, like you need to pull the brakes on your job a little bit, doesn't mean you always will. and two (or more) things can absolutely be true at once - you can be great at what you do, have a genuine love for it, want to return to it in the future, and still be completely fucking exhausted by it all. i think doing what you can to reach out in terms of your mh and making that a priority would definitely serve you well in the long run. i took a break from it and now, when im starting to consider seeking part-time TA work again, i can see advantages of the job now that im looking from afar + after a break to recalibrate my mind and my approach. part-time hours might be a great compromise for you that works out - its a lot less overwhelming and a lot more manageable - but if that still ends up feeling like too much for you, that's okay. it's pretty clear that you're burnt out and in need of some deep emotional rest and catharsis, someone to talk through your feelings with so you can examine where they come from and how to cope with them healthily in the future, which is totally understandable - most people need that or a version of it at one point or another. i know the nhs is on its last legs esp in terms of mental health care, but i would encourage you to ask your doctor for a referral + seek out support groups in your area or any cost-effective private therapy practices if that's an option for you (a lot of them are willing to work with clients to agree on a manageable price.) anyway sorry for rambling, i think i just wanted you to know that you have numerous ways forward here and that your current stress level is completely justified + relatable to me as a TA with MH struggles. i think it's about finding a balance, whatever that looks like for you. im rooting for you and if you want to talk about this a bit more, i will be here. also, thank you so much for the kind words 💌💌 they really made my morning feel a bit less shit. i know im just a stranger and nobody has to take my words seriously or listen to them ever and it means a lot that they sometimes do. sending a big hug your way. it's ok to put yourself first for as long as you need and are able to! X

[imagine-a-life-like-this]

Hey, so you can ignore this but I really need to get it out and I can't even cry cause then my mum will panic and I don't want that and you seemed like the person I'd want to have in my life to talk to

I have a final tomorrow and I am so fucking scared, I am in dentistry so the details are already hard enough cause we have to study what a dentist does and what the lab does, so like every other college it is already as difficult as it can be with too much info, but the thing is my college has the final where you have to study both semesters, so I have to cram a whole year worth of info in my brain in like 3 days and like that's doable only if I didn't have an exam just before, so basically every 3 days I have a final and it's so draining to keep doing that over over, especially since I have 9 courses this year (I don't choose my courses, everything is set by the uni), the day of the exam I either go back home and sleep and then I am so burnt out for the next day that I then put myself in a really worse position of having to study everything in 2 days instead of 3.... I already got 7 out of the way the 8th one is in 12 hours and I still have 8 chapters to finish and I am so terrified that I might fail cause I don't have time to even read this much (I don't have time to memorise or anything so I just read the chapters like it's a story and hope for the best) and I can't even cry to anyone cause my mum will just panic and my friends are either asleep or they have their own studies to do so I can't just ask them to help me rn. Idk what to do, like ik I should do as much as I can but I feel like shit cause I do this to myself at some point, like if I just studied in the 3 given days I would not have to be this stressed and scared but at the same time I am so tired and I have no energy for anything I just want to rest and do nothing and it's like a never ending cycle and I hate myself for it. I don't want to have to retake my exams during summer or repeat the year again cause I failed, I hate myself so much that it reached this point

I am so sorry that you're going through this right now, and that you're doing it alone. I wish I could do more for you, but there's only so much I can do through a screen.

I know this will seem counterproductive, but trust me. Take a break to breathe. Drink some water. You're not going to retain any information if you're stressed and panicking. So breathe. Take a few minutes to not do a single thing but breathe.

Then just do what you can. Read through as much as you can, taking breaks when necessary to breathe and drink water. And get some rest before the exam so you can properly focus during it. And then kick ass !!! You got this. You're almost done and then you can relax. Don't think about what might happen and focus only on things you can control.

I'm rooting for you 💪💕

[doodleybugg]

i. apologize for the inactivity guys. i had a rlly bad episode recently and although im back rn i can't promise how long i'll stay JDBDHD

ANYWAYS how about we have a little update? (triggering topics such as sh, ed, etc descriptions will be in red, bold text! i'll try to keep most of the negative stuff at the bottom but no promises :/)

so i forget how long i've been gone exactly, i remember logging in some rare occasions to like and reblog a couple posts but otherwise i've been extremely M.I.A (pun very much intended) and honestly that's been a bit stressful for me.

i've had a LOT of drama in classes. yeah that's right, ya girls in uni now! and i am failing SO BAD. it's rlly hard going to school everyday, like i hate it i just wanna go back to working at a shopping mall or smth lol. but hey the map of my cities kinda set up well, being the uni is right next to a lake, and on the other side is a parking lot w mcds, circle k, chatime, etc. and next to the parking lot, like legitimately across the street, is my house. i moved back in with my mom cuz rent was getting too steep, and honestly id rather be on the streets lol

probably the biggest update ihave; i'm a did system. i got the diagnosis early december, and with a shit ton of research and help from friends who have the disorder because the doctors are no help, i'm getting comfy with the label.

if you're not sure what did (disassociative identity disorder) is, it's basically a disorder which defines the presence of two or more different persons in your mind, alike to multiple personality disorder. again, i'm not a professional, and you'd think my doctor would have given me a run down on why it meant before he diagnosed be but here's how it went:

me: hey, so i haven't looked much into the subject, but my one friend who has did was telling me about their experiences and they lined up with a lot of mine. i think i might want to go about being tested

doc: mia. you don't need to get tested, it's already in your file. we've spoken about this before?

me: ...i don't think we have?

doc:

me: so you're saying you diagnosed me with did and didn't even tell me about it?

doc: well, at least you're aware now, right?

yeah. so that's two doctors i've gone through in the past three years. i didn't throw a stressball at this one, but fuck i wanted too!!

anyways, i guess i should introduce some of my alters :)

i'm mia (she.they.fae.), the host and little, i identify with how the body looks.

enzekai (he.they.it) is the co-host and caretaker, as well as the first alter i purposefully made. kai has many sources, but his main is actually an oc of mine, cairo!

and dwelle (it.she.boo) is our resident trauma holder and nonhuman. she formed recently while i was splitting and hasn't had much time in the front. her main sources are casper from girl in pieces and cassie from skins.

i'll give everyone a better intro but i'll save that for another post!

i have gotten absolutely zero progress done in my book, the toll it takes, and i find it harder and harder to write anything but immensely sad poetry anymore. on the rare occasions i can make up some headcanons but i don't think i'll be able to write any (good) fanfics for a while now, sorry

okay, onto the bad stuff. if anything listed is triggering or unappealing, please don't read ahead: ed (anorexia), sh (cutting, self sabatoge), anxiety and depressive thoughts, suicide mentions, death mentions, and otherwise explanations of feelings like abandonment and lonliness that while, in retrospect wasn't nearly as bad as i thought so, can still be upsetting just to read.

you've been warned

recently, as mentioned above, i've just gotten out of an episode; a bad one. by gotten out of, i mean i've attached myself to select people and depend entirely on them to keep me from self harming or starving. and that's completely unfair, so i've been trying to recover. my friend @my-elysian-love is helping me immensely to eat full meals and reminding myself that i don't deserve what i think i do. i'm so eternally grateful and i can never repay any of them back <3

before my choice to try recovering though, it was getting worse. i weighed 68 pounds at 19 years old. a couple nights ago, i've cut deeper than i ever have before, and i've been stuck with this sinking feeling in my stomach that i can't quite explain. i took out all my bad feelings on people i knew and loved, and when they finally held healthy boundaries and left me to my own devices so i couldn't hurt them, i took everything out on myself. i know, real remus lupin move haha.

but that wasn't fair. and even now i still feel bad, i still hate myself for what i said and did, for how i acted and it scares me how easily people are forgiving me. because i said some messed up shit while i was splitting, and that's not an excuse. and i just keep thinking it's only a matter of time before i blow up again, and maybe i'll be worse next time. maybe people won't come back, and i can't honestly blame them because i'm fucked. and as scared as i am, i'm grateful. or maybe it's just selfish. selfish because i just hate when nobodies around for me to love, to love me back. but i'm still terrified. it's hard to change up my thinking, but i'm trying. i'm trying rlly hard and i just hope that it's enough.

i'm a couple hours clean for self harm, and yesterday i didn't technically eat a full meal like i was supposed too (my older sister got mad at me and wouldn't let me eat anything). i had multiple cookies, a fruit roll up, two cups of tea, a packet of uncooked ramen noodles, a bite of a chicken finger and also i drank water! just water! for the first time in a while.

i hate that it took me fighting with everyone i loved to the point where i didn't even need to push them away anymore, they went willingly, and having multiple panic attacks in public restrooms to finally start on the road to recovery. it is so fucking hard, it's really hard. but fuck, it's worth it to see my friends happy. to not detect worry in their eyes and to believe it when @my-elysian-love says they love me (again i'm so sorry for spamming you aaa). it's worth it to finally eat cinnamon buns again, and drink tea with real sugar, not cal free sweetener. i get a shit ton less headaches cuz i don't constantly need to count cals anymore, and i haven't passed out of dehydration in 2 whole days. ik people without eds are probably like "wtf is this bitch on about?" and that's what i'm talking about. recovery is never the same as sobriety, but it's the next best thing. and i might still struggle with my body or cover up with baggy clothes sometimes but at least i'm alive to do so. cuz a while ago i was too close to death.

i attempted to kill myself again. this time by starving and eating a buncha pills. i'm lucky cuz it didn't work, and i'm still alive. i can only think of what would've happened if it didn't work. if the last. thing i did was tell someone i loved and cared about that i didn't care if they were dead. that the last thing i did was get mad at them for feeling for someone else the same way i felt for them. yk, bpd moments ✨. but i'm glad i lived to apologize and now i'm trying to recover. and ig that's all the updates i have rn

[bookwyrminspiration]

Response to an ask from Ophelia:

Ophelia! Hello! Yeah, it wasn't exactly pleasant but it luckily wasn't too long and she wasn't very assertive. You could just tell she had some beliefs she didn't question the impact of and assumed that we all shared them.

Also I wasn't very clear about what guest teacher meant because I wasn't sure what to call her, but she's a teacher at the high-school level. The first period (I'm in fourth) of my english class is co-taught by her and my english teacher for ESL, so like she's a teacher but just not mine? And she came in to give a presentation as an example of what our final projects should look like. So she's a teacher but was a guest in my scenario

I'm really sorry that you had to go through/still go through that kind of stereotyping and discrimination. It's so unfair and really frustrating to deal with. And 100% not your fault. I don't have the exact same experience since as I grew up I went from a little brown kid to much paler, but I definitely at first meeting don't fit the stereotype of autism. I could talk (very stressfully) to the psychiatrists and excel at school, and so that immediately threw out their expectations and it was like...you'd think the 20 years of experience you claim to have would teach you that you need more than 20 minutes talking to me to actually understand me? You'd think they'd understand I might be masking and very stressed rn?? I said that I struggled to interact with people and she went "Well you're doing just fine right now!" Like thank you but also this is all a front and I will be exhausted later and it feels icky

That's not the same as the racial bias you've experienced, but I'm trying to understand and show that I'm paying attention so. It probably didn't help that I was alone; I don't like to have other people at my appointments, but that also means I'm at a disadvantage of being taken less seriously as a minor alone with two doctors. Add the very obvious anxiety and they think I'm just overreacting to things. At least I assume that's what's happening.

But yeah, those doctors you had sound awful but are a sad reality right now. There's injustice and stigma and stereotypes everywhere and we, unfortunately, can't escape it all. I generally surround myself with really great people, but I can't control everyone around me and sometimes I end up running into people like this and realize welp! The world is like this right now and even if we change it I still have to deal with it as it is right now! God this is frustrating! She's just out here thinking a certain mental disorder is evil like that's okay!

I have no idea if that teacher will learn as I will probably never see her again, but hopefully she will. I would've said something in the moment but I was momentarily stunned like...did you really just say that?? And trying to comprehend the arguments she was making (I don't do great with quick responses to auditory questions or statements) that by the time I'd gotten my own thoughts in order a different student was already arguing with her.

Emotionally I am preparing hot chocolate for the two of us while we watch the raindrops race down the window :) (sorry about your glitchy tumblr with no colors :/)