#i am getting kind of tired
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I feel like i could bave done better on this if i had more time. I'm probably being too hard on myself. Maybe too much art?
Whose to say XD
You?
Maybe?
...
Speedpaint XD
#artists on tumblr#digitalart#small artist#artist#fanart#timelapse#speedpaint#cassandra pentaghast#cassandra#cassandra dragon age#dragon age inquisition#dragon age#i am getting kind of tired#press on#half way through#we can do it!
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REPLICA PLAYLIST
MUSIC UNDER CUT
I have been receiving requests for any songs that inspired Replica, so here, have my personal playlist. Sorry it’s not Spotify/Soundcloud but they don’t have some of these songs available so uh… guess you’re stuck with YouTube vids. For fun I'll include my personal titles for them (which might give a few hints of what to expect in the future/end).
Replica Main Theme - “Die for You” by Grabbitz Like Father Like Son Like Brother (Omega and Shelldon) - "As Above So Below" by Alistair Lindsay Mikey's Theme / The 1st Vision - "Suzume no Tojimari" by Nanoka Hara Military (Mad) Dogs / Central Park Colony - "Imperium" by Madeon Shanghai - "Icarus" by Madeon Boom Goes the Donnie-mite (Mikey/Donnie vs the Sweeper) - "The Red Zone" by Mitsuoto Suzuki The Day the Sky Bled Red - "7 Seconds Till the End" by Nobuo Uematsu Going Out Like a Boss (Raph and Leo) - "Agape" by Nicholas Britell Remembering the Right Way (Mikey and Leo) - "The Souls of Many" - by Alistair Lindsay Mystic Hands / The 2nd Vision - "Am I Dreaming" by Metro Boomin x A$AP Book 2 Trailer - "Sea Dragon" by Covet 7 Years Later - "Iron" by Woodkid Leo's Theme / Attack on the Labor Camp - "Ego Death" by Polyphia Omega's Theme - "Touch" by Daft Punk Flat Lines (Omega Alone) - "Die Toteninsel Emptiness" by 1000 Eyes Spear - "Monsters" by Tommee Profitt Final Protocol - "The Kraken" by Katie Dey Rise / Epilogue - "Close in the Distance" by Masayoshi Soken & Tom Mills
I will admit, it's a little embarrassing since you can easily see the patterns of what I've been listening to for the past year or two. I swear I listen to more than just videogame OSTs, these songs just jive well with the story and I often find lyrics distracting when brainstorming scenes. Regardless, the music I listen to is such an important part of my creative process and some of these songs really defined the scenes I now have locked in my head. So I figured it was only fair to give them the credit they're due.
I will continue to add to this playlist, and will note in comic updates when one of these songs is applicable!
#lofi Donnie anyone?#also sort of celebration for 19k followers wow#should I do something else for it?#I particularly like Leo's theme being titled Ego Death#very fitting#Also the final song makes me cry because the lyrics are just too dang perfect#I'd like to do an animatic with the song when this story is all done#check out the lyrics if you get the chance#in fact I'd like to do an animatic trailer for the Book 2 Teaser#we'll see though#i can't allow myself to get too distracted from the comic itself haha#replica#rottmnt replica#kathaynesart#playlist#music#spoilers? but like... you know how it ends in the movie so not really?#kind of?#did you see the rise movie?#then you’ve been spoiled sorry#posting again at an ungodly hour#I am tired#save rottmnt#rottmnt#TMNT#Donatello#casey jones
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btw i feel like this shouldn't have to be said but the reason that agatha hates rio is because agatha didn't get to say goodbye to nicky. rio couldn't offer her any more time. and, in rio's mind, nicky going peacefully in his sleep (and even telling him to turn around and kiss agatha goodbye!!) is the one grace rio feels she can give agatha. nicky doesn't suffer. he doesn't fight. he just...goes. he goes on a walk with his mother and kisses his mama goodbye. but agatha doesn't get to say goodbye!!! she doesn't get those final moments with him!! she wakes up and he's already gone.
#agatha all along#aaa spoilers#agatha all along spoilers#agatha harkness#idk i keep seeing people say that like. there's no reason for agatha to hate rio bc of how gentle she was collecting nicky and its like#i don't think u are seeing it from agatha's pov.#unfortunately i am team agatha in the divorce. sorry.#also i do genuinely love that they were so messy.#agathario#kind of?#anyway. trust i have my docs open.#again so sorry to everyone who followed me for literally anything else#i also think some of agatha's coven killings for agatha were a way to balance the cosmic scale or whatever.#she kills enough witches and she might have the chance to get nicky back etc etc but im too tired to go into that further
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canonically married
#sphynx sketches#smallishbeans fanart#geminitay fanart#trafficshipping#<— interpret any way you want. to me they are kind of queerplatonic. but tagging jic <3#wild life fanart#trafficblr#gemjoel#i am incredibly tired right now and am really just posting this to combat the brain demons telling me my art is worthless haha#just need to get it out of my head that me and my art are only worth someones time if they are entirely perfect
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one single hot take from me before i go rewatch the reunion scene ten times and then go tf to bed.
we have a show full of queer people. every single person we encounter with the exception of the british probably is QUEER. ALL OF THEM. let that fucking sink in for a second.
and the queerness is so multi faceted and well done and reflects the realities of so many people watching it.
so if you sit down after this finale and type a post that in any shape or form calls izzy's death homophobic, "bury your gays", or anything in that direction? i need you to go outside for real. i need you to fucking log off and look at the news. maybe look at some nice queer media statistics from 2014-2016. maybe turn on the fucking tv and scroll through the programs and THEN you can come back and tell me how many queer people you saw. how many shows that are unashamedly about queerness.
yeah that's what i fucking thought you absolute twat.
if you are harassing creators over their writing choices when they are out there risking their careers to create queer media you are a vile person and i want nothing to do with you.
#alex yells at the void#ofmd2#izzy hands#our flag means death#ofmd season 2 spoilers#good omens#ineffable husbands#yeah it applies to good omens too#i am so fucking tired oh my GOD what kind of braindead takes am i seeing#y'all wouldnt have survived episode 1 of got#or any show that aired before 2020#character death happens get the fuck over it fucking hell you can be upset but dont go harassing people over it#what the hell is wrong with you
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🎀 ·̩͙ · 。 · ⊹ ·̩͙ 🤍
⠀⠀🧁 ·̩͙ ₊ ‧ ·̩͙ ♡ ·̩͙ · 。 ·̩͙ 🖤
Painting, studying, and counting down the days until my birthday ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა ♡
#♡#me#selfie#rosy things#happy november friends ! ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა#happy birthday to all my fall november twins with birthdays this month ! ♡#and a bright and blessed fall to everyone else ! ପ૮๑ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ๑ აଓ#it has been a busy month but i am trying to be here more ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა#and will get to more asks when i am not so tired ૮꒰⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝꒱ა#thank you for everyone’s kind words and support !!#i was really doing not so good before but everyone has been so kind !#and all your fun asks brighten my day !!#wishing you love joy and cupcakes !!#please stay safe & take care besties !! ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა ♡#love rosy ! xo#🎀 ·̩͙ · 。 · ⊹ ·̩͙ 🤍
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Everyone arguing over RadioStatic vs. One-sided RadioStatic when you can have both:
RadioStatic that is mutual in that Vox and Alastor are both significant to each other in not-exactly-platonic ways, but Vox has romantic feelings while Alastor is aromantic, so he doesn't feel the same. Not exactly.
Even better worse if Vox feels devastated because he doesn't understand what Alastor means when he tries to explain that he values Vox as more than "just a friend" even though he's not in love with him at all, so Vox thinks Alastor is just fucking with him. Alastor is upset that he can't feel romantic attraction even if he wanted to and can't put his feelings into words, and now he's losing his dearest friend because they have a fight over it.
The amount that they value each other is mutual, but the "romance" is unrequited.
#hazbin hotel#voxal#radiostatic#staticradio#staticlovetune#alastor#vox#I may have written fanfic about this#and think about it frequently#not all aromantics are happy with being aromantic or get to be free of related drama#Alastor feels some kind of tertiary attraction but of course doesn't know there's a word for it or that it's even a thing#I need aroace alastor shipping posts so I am taking it upon myself to start making them#tired of the only aroace alastor content being anti-ship#al broadcast
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#since I did a fast eloise only sketch yesterday#here are some Sebastians😇🙏#he got tired after sneaking into the restricted section and…I feel like classes are kind of boring to him#I’m almost done with the most wretched book ever🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏#it’s so terrible and depressing I am just hate-finishing it at this point#it just solidifies in me that I was just meant to read old books over and over again lol#like…this book is SUPPOSEDLY really popular and I DONT GET IT !!!#I also HATED The Overstory which is also popular…it’s weird though#bc the first part was genuinely one of my favorite things I’ve ever read#so i stuck with the rest in the hope it would keep that momentum and it…didn’t…#oh well I just keep reading and rereading novels I already know I’ll like😇😇 and avoid this author forever and ever 🙏#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hphl#hogwarts legacy oc#hogwarts legacy mc#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow fanart
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Thinks about my next series again... I drew the icon for it!
I'm planning to have it launched within a year! I'm hoping for summer 2025. I want to make a prelaunch page before Time and Time Again ends so people can subscribe if they're interested, but I'm worried the series return would be too early...
#SORRY HAHAHA REPOSTING IMMEDIATELY#i. it. IM SORRY okay the.#i had 'im not interested in the comic' as an option but it immediately made me feel bad#DONT FEEL BAD IF YOU PICKED IT i put it there#i just realized its not really a helpful metric to me at all!#im making the comic either way!#so i just want to gague interest. disinterest doesnt do much for me. you can come and go as you please!#just wanting to retain readers as much as possible but without losing them due to taking too long#ahhhh the balance of marketing. a beautiful beast she is.#anyways yeah hoping to launch like about as tta is ending#or like at LEAST a prelaunch page by then#im also not intending for the prelaunch page to be like. announced...#moreso just a link i append on art for the series!#just so when a drawing of zagan gets 500 notes#people who are interested in what hes from can. see that...#anyways. sorry i haven't been posting work is wild im going 70+ hours a week again i am so tired#not much time to draw non work stuff#im hanging on by a thread of having multiple projects i can bounce between again#and sometimes thats this one! so heres the results of some mental health work variety#we were legion#polls#sorry for the instant repost. in my defense. i am exhausted.#i can not wait until im making a different comic that i can do a fucking. normal ass schedule with#where im not every week gasping for breath in some kind of bad at swimming metaphor.#anyways if youre not interested dont tell me. it doesnt matter to me. no offense but i just dont wanna hear it.#i want to make the comic and my audience as much as i love you all is not going to have any control over what i do with my art#im gonna make this comic if i only get it done on weekends after getting home from the fuckin movie theater#i am not working for webtoon again wnd im not forcing myself into the dirt for comics again#but im also never gonna stop making them. just need to build a healthier relationship!#FUCK I MADE IT A ONE DAY POLL.
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Billy with hanahaki disease ?🌸?
Pain!:’)
I love it! Here ya go🌸🩸
Fic prompts are: OPEN if anyone else is interested 💌 -> 📬
Tw; blood, slight body horror.
—
It started shortly after Billy moved to this shitty little town in the middle of assfuck nowhere. He chalked it up to the air quality being dogshit compared to California, or maybe he was allergic to that pungent smell of manure that the locals seemed totally nose blind to. The absolute last thing he would have considered was a goddamn plant had started growing inside of him–a love plant.
It was rare. You were only susceptible to it if you had a certain gene that you inherited from your maternal line. Lucky him.
Guess he can’t say his mom left him with nothing when she packed her shit up and skipped town. No, instead of a forwarding address, Billy’s mom left him her shitty, fairy genes. Thanks, Mom. Real swell of you.
“Has there been anyone you’ve had your eye on?” The school nurse asks, voice pitched low, gentle, like she was trying to soothe some kind of volatile beast.
Billy spits another mouthful of blood into the pan he’s holding, the crumpled up flower petals that he’d just finished hacking up look like chunks of his lung rather than a part of a plant. Runs his tongue along his teeth to try and fish anything out that may have gotten left behind in the carnage.
“No.” He says, stubbornly. He doesn’t look up from the pan.
“Well, Hanahaki disease can only take root under very specific circumstances. It feeds off a pheromone our bodies release when we experience a certain emotion; the stress of a love that’s unrequited. It’s the only–”
“I said no, alright?” Billy barks, voice still a little ragged from his coughing fit. Like he’d swallowed with a mouthful of gravel. “Get off my back.”
The nurse sighs, but she doesn’t move to stop him when he puts the pan down beside him and gets to his feet.
“It’ll only get worse if you ignore it, Mr. Hargrove.” She warns.
“Don’t fucking call me that.” Billy mutters, but he doesn’t have the energy to put any heat behind his words, so it doesn’t do much to wipe that stupid sympathetic look from her face. He grabs his jean jacket and leaves, shoving the door open with enough force that it slams back against the wall.
Despite his repeated denial, Billy knew who was responsible for this fucking mess.
Steve Harrington.
With his perfect hair and his stupid fucking Bambi eyes, lighting up every goddamn room he strode into with those long legs of his. Jesus… How could Billy ever have stood a chance?
Just thinking of him brought a tickle to the back of Billy’s throat. He suppresses a cough into his fist as he stomps down the hallway, now empty due to everyone else having gone home for the day. Except Billy, who of course couldn’t fucking breathe after gym class today after getting a little too rough with Steve.
It hadn’t been anything out of the ordinary, but something about the way Steve elbowed Billy away, how he barked at him to give him some breathing space, yelled at Billy to fuck off already—it had Billy’s chest acting up.
He held out for most of the class, fighting against the fucking petals that were pushing their way up through his fucking esophagus by beating at his chest, shouting to clear his airways, but then in the showers, Steve had avoided him completely. Had somehow managed to slip and out of the stalls without Billy noticing, depriving him of their usual naked back and forth banter that Billy had come to look forward to.
It was one thing for Steve to hate him, but it was another thing entirely for Steve to be indifferent toward him. That was way fucking worse.
The sting of rejection quickly turned to a coughing fit, worse than any he had experienced before. Like he’s hacking up a fucking lung. A few of the other boys had asked him, ‘you okay man?’ or, ‘should we get the coach?’, and worst of all, ‘oh shit is that blood?’
Billy was barely able to shove his legs back into his jeans and shoulder one of his classmates out of his way before he stumbled into the nurse’s office.
Fat lot of good that did him…
He’s gotta pick up Max. He can’t afford to hang around and talk about his pathetic, one-sided love with a complete stranger anyway. Billy leaves the school, gets into his car, puts the windows down and cranks the music as loud as he can stand it, and he tries very hard not to think about Steve and this ever growing thing that’s taken root inside of his chest, steadily consuming him from the inside out.
Christ, who knew he was such a fucking romantic…
#am I implying that Billy is part fae on his moms side?#maybe#🤸♀️#weeee I can do what I want#FOR NOW#unrequited love#unbeta’d forgive my mistakes#Steve’s kind of oblivious#but also kind of tired of getting his pig tailed pulled#Billy has so much rizz with chicks but with dudes he’s just a mess#prompts are still open btw#Billy Hargrove positive#even though I am mean to him#Billy Hargrove#Harringrove#pre Harringrove#Steve Harrington#hanahaki disease#Hanahaki au#Harringrove ficlet#Harringrove au#write Rae write#my writing#stranger things#Harringrove drabble#stranger things fanfic#Harringrove fanfiction#Harringrove fanfic#Harringrove prompt#prompt fill
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HI MY BELOVED ANGEL!!! i am sending u mattsun + campfire as well as kisses n hugs <33
SAINTTT hello 🥺 thank you for sending a prompty!! 🥹 idt i've ever written mattsun fully before so this is something new!
help me get back into the writing groove! send me a character + any word and i'll write a short blurb about it!
contains: exes, stranded-y situation, feelings are complicated, some expletives
mattsun + campfire
"i told you we should've brought the spare—"
"yeah, let me go back in time for a sec and do just that."
"asshole."
lesson #1: nothing good ever happens when you're stuck in a car with your ex on the way to somewhere remote.
you blame iwaizumi for this one. who the fuck chooses to spend their birthday weekend in the fucking wilderness?
(okay, you don't actually think it's so bad. to be fair, he did plan this a year ago. and it did sound like a good idea. then. at the time. anywhere with the boys was always guaranteed fun―at least, until you and matsukawa broke up.)
"can you pass me the flashlight?" he points at the backpack behind you. when you hand it over, your fingers brush over his as he takes it away from you.
and you hate it, because―
lesson #2: you should never be alone with your ex when you still have feelings for them.
you'd agreed to take two cars to the camping spot: iwaizumi's with oikawa and hanamaki and matsukawa's with you. there was no way you'd fit in one, and hanamaki ultimately decided to ride with iwaizumi because, "you and mattsun have shit to sort out," he'd said.
with night setting and the two-hour headstart they managed to get ahead of you, the best thing you and matsukawa can do is to set up camp temporarily and wait for them to come back for you come sunrise.
you sigh.
leaves crack underneath your feet as you maneuver around your camping space. the light from matsukawa's flashlight tells you where he is, just a bit deeper in the forestry as he looks for wood to help set up the fire.
you unload the car in the meantime, bringing out some snacks and sleeping bags while waiting.
matsukawa eventually comes back with arms full of wood, and you help in whatever way you can, clearing the space and fetching more twigs when needed.
the entire car ride here had been quiet, so it's not surprising that this entire process has been equally as silent. until―
"did you already pull out your tent?" he asks, half of his body disappearing into the trunk of the car.
"huh?" you go closer, "i only brought out the sleeping bags."
then he sighs, ducking out from the trunk with a hand on his hip, "we only have one tent."
"what?"
"makki must have gotten yours with his when he decided to move cars."
his hand runs through his hair, a habit you know well. it lights up all sorts of weird feelings in your tummy
you don't know how to feel―
"i can sleep in the car."
―but you know that you definitely don't want him to do that. all things considered, you were friends first. and you've both been trying to be friends again since the breakup. you wouldn't want to cause him discomfort like that.
so, with a deep breath, you say, "it's okay, we can just share."
"are you sure?" he stares at you.
you nod.
after setting up the tent, you eat a few energy bars and clean up from the day's events. the campfire provides ample enough heat, but with how fast the flames are burning, you're doubtful it'll last the two of you the entire night.
it’s much later on, past midnight, that your doubts are proven right when you and matsukawa are cramped together in a tent made for one. it started to get cold a few minutes ago, and you've found yourself inching closer and closer to the warmth you’ve gotten used to laying against for the past two years.
he's only pretending to be asleep, you know that much, too. the rise and fall of his chest is hardly there; you can see it, how he's holding his breath being this close to you.
"issei," you whisper.
he opens his eyes, eyelids lifting lazily as he meets your stare. the vibration of his hum reverberates to you.
"it's cold."
for a moment, your stomach drops at the thought that he could ignore you; how it would make perfect sense for him to. you broke up with him after all, and he doesn't owe you anything, much less favors as intimate as this one.
but he closes the already dwindling gap between you, wrapping an arm around your waist as he pulls you closer. it's near, far too near for exes to be―noses touching and all.
"warmer?" his voice comes out hoarser through the whisper.
you nod, your head shifting up and down—which, truly, is where you ultimately fuck up. you feel it, a little chapped but still pliant against your lips.
in your carelessness, you accidentally brush your lips against his, the sensation alone surprising you enough to inch your head back as you mutter your apologies.
"sorry? really?" he asks, eyes half-lidded still as he chuckles.
his question settles into the small space you're in.
your vision trails from his eyes, down to the slope of his nose, until it lands on his lips again. a little split like you've always known, but still your favorite. still the only lips you want against yours.
when you lean in again, you know you're fucked, because―
lesson #3: the number one rule is that exes shouldn't kiss each other anymore.
#mattsun x reader#matsukawa x reader#hq x reader#shotorus.workbook#WAAAAAH i hope u like this saint !!!#ive never rlly written mattsun in length before so i hope i captured him enough ?????#i feel like he's such a tough balance to write (bc i am not witty at all and i feel like he would be HAHAHA)#anyway !!! some stuff abt the fic: the split was amicable for the most part#but the reason why makki says reader and mattsun have stuff to sort out is because there's like a weird tension~~ that he feels around them#and its kind of like. they bicker? and snap at each other like exes do but also it's just like. why do u care abt what the other does so mu#if you arent together anymore ?? typa thing. its like. they argue but in a way couples normally do if that makes sense#HONESTLY MAKKI WOULDNT HAVE ALSO MINDED STAYING WITH THEM cos he likes to watch HAHA but i think#he joined iwaoi more as a 'ill give u guys time together to fuck it out or wtvr just dont be weird on iwa's bday' typa thing#they were also together for a while! friends first and everything hmmm the reason why reader broke up with him#can be up to you! but my intention was for it to be something fixable and just more fitting for a 'break' typa thing#not necessarily a breakup#also the iwa car went ahead and they have the spare tire so they can go back and help but better in the daylight#i think thats all !!!#i hope you like it !!#ask#rep#saint.🩸#honestly these just keep getting longer hAHAH i should follow my 20 minute cap more#ask rep answered#heartsyougave
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its my bday today so heres a new meet the artist :3
#muertodraws#finished my first day of grad school#i would have enjoyed it more if this fuck ass heat wave wasnt happening#but it wasnt too bad im excited to get to workin#also this mta is the first one where i felt like i didnt have to try hard#im allowing myself to exist as i am#and it feels nice#that includes the questioning of autism#aka i am probably autistic#i just struggle with gaslighting myself#but im learnig that autistic coping skills really work for me#like stimming and paying attention to my sensory and social needs#so that has been interesting#anyway#i am super tired but kind of hopeful :)#so thats nice#trans artist#queer artist#meet the artist
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found an old thing
#moondrop#its 11 months old according to my malmal activity#im back to drawing them again it seems TT#they're the kind of characters u can't help but go back to whenever you're tired#or in this case; when you don't have any ideas to draw lol#drawing a character so much that its become a habit even when ure interested in smth else rn#anyway yes im drawing sun and i hate that my improvement really shows whenever i draw them >:(#sorry for the ramble but also not sorry for the ramble (i am the ruler of these tags)#might try writing a fic abt them once i get a hang of writing characters#with my whole heart; i wish for them to fucking Cry#they deserve to be able to weep the tears they haven't wept
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Rest under the cut. It's cruelly ironic that this zine I worked on for this summer's Queer Game Jam was created during one of the most uncertain weeks in my life. If you'd like to support me and my work (and get me out of a tough spot) then please consider buying the zine or taking one of my emergency commission slots.
#max draws things#image undescribed#queer games#transgender#transmasc#gender dysphoria#eyestrain#cw eyestrain#amaury colette#meowlian#i am. kind of going through it rn#but im glad i was able to get this done#the use of amaury here wasn't entirely intentional and isn't necessarily reflective of who he is as a character#just decided to use him for his original purpose of being a self insert character?#i guess in this case though he's more just a vehicle for suffering#im sure there are more tags to add but im tired#personally my favorite page to work on out of the entire project was the 'some days are better than others' one
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I've said this before, but when the Patho2 Changeling route is released, I really hope they lean into the idea that Clara can see the console command window, and do a little meta-humor about how playing Patho with cheat codes on radically changes the meaning of the game.
#pathologic#pathologic 2#pathologic 2 changeling route tba#the changeling#clara saburova#ice pick lodge#hbomberguy#youtubers love to talk up how hard n miserable this game is#and i almost definitely am missing out on some of the ludonarrative by playing in god mode#but god mode is kind of a whole experience on its own#You can heal the sick withstand bullets never get tired fly and teleport AND LIFE STILL SUCKS!!!! It's hilarious!#In Patho2 cheating can cause a glitch which gets you trapped inside your laboratory by the grim reaper#I don't think the devs should fix this it's kind of poetic
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there is something so. intensely frustrating about feeling incapable of showing up for people the way that they want you to
#i wish people understood that it's so hard to be present in their lives and that closeness for me isnt about frequency of contact#but how open we feel during that contact#my brain is such a difficult place to live in it is so loud and so busy all the time#24 hours a day is a constant monologue and argument with myself for everything and it means that i just dont have the capacity to talk to#others most of the time#and like. i know this is so unreasonable. obviously we have to be present in the lives of people that care for us#but it just feels like every day i have to like. get on a stage and perform to every person in my life that cares about me so i can meet the#criteria of being a Good Friend or Good Girlfriend or Good Fan Artist or Good Mutual or Good Server Member#i feel like it is such a blessing to be seen by others as someone to expect things from#but as more people have started to love me it feels like i have to 'go out and perform' more and more and i am very exhausted#i wish i was someone that was easy to love and care for in the way that i am. and i dont mean that self deprecatingly it's just#i know im very hard to care about and love. because i disappear all the time and come back in a big flurry as soon as i get the energy back#and im just feeling it a Lot More lately because im starting to think this isnt going to be a short term thing i have to do before i start#feeling comfortable with a person#this is going to be my whole life#if i get married im going to have to 'go out and perform' and be a good wife and be affectionate and happy and not closed into my own brain#for days#if im going to make friends with colleagues I'll have to go out when they invite me and have to reply ro their texts and i cant just go#silent for weeks while i try to negotiate with my thoughts and then reappear once i make the slightest breakthrough#im very tired and sad. i want companionship but i feel like the kind of person i am is not fair for people who would be my companion#vent post#♡alizeh talks♡
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