#i am so fucking tired oh my GOD what kind of braindead takes am i seeing

[actual-changeling]

one single hot take from me before i go rewatch the reunion scene ten times and then go tf to bed.

we have a show full of queer people. every single person we encounter with the exception of the british probably is QUEER. ALL OF THEM. let that fucking sink in for a second.

and the queerness is so multi faceted and well done and reflects the realities of so many people watching it.

so if you sit down after this finale and type a post that in any shape or form calls izzy's death homophobic, "bury your gays", or anything in that direction? i need you to go outside for real. i need you to fucking log off and look at the news. maybe look at some nice queer media statistics from 2014-2016. maybe turn on the fucking tv and scroll through the programs and THEN you can come back and tell me how many queer people you saw. how many shows that are unashamedly about queerness.

yeah that's what i fucking thought you absolute twat.

if you are harassing creators over their writing choices when they are out there risking their careers to create queer media you are a vile person and i want nothing to do with you.

[brainddeadd]

Braindead Reviews

The Walking Dead: Season 4

Overall thoughts:

Daryl brain rot.

Fuck the Governor.

What kind of ending is that!!!

S4, ep 1

They’ve made the prison look good man 

Oh damn it’s a full community 

That’s so cool 

They’ve got a mini farm and vegetable crops holy shit 

Carl naming a pig even though they’re gonna have to kill it for food 

Everyone greeting Daryl and him not knowing what the fuck to do with that 

“Just so you know, I liked you first.” Carol I love you 

HES SO AWKWARD I LOVE HIM 

THE AGGRESSIVE FINGER LICKING DARYL PLEASE 

The longer hair is lookin good damn 

How’d they make my man finer 

“Sorry, Pookie” CAROL MY BELOVED 

He is now my Pookie 

Always and forever Pookie 

TYRESE AND MAMA STILINSKI ?!?!?!?

BETH AND RANDO ?!?!?!?

“It’s a damn romance novel.” Its ok Pookie, you’re just lonely 

Michonne on a horse.. is there anything this lady can’t do ??

Michonne bringing back comics for Carl - mother 

“Your face is losing the war.” YES PLEASE SHAVE IT BACK A BIT 

She’s looking for the Governor and I get it but please stay safe my love

“Dad, that’s for kids.” You are the kids Carl. 

Holy shit she’s a person 

Not the kids naming the walkers 

HOMICIDE COP 🤣🤣🤣

DARYL FUCKING WITH HIM 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Oh holy crap - the helicopter crash and shit on the roof 

Michonne killing the cardboard cutout of the zombie in the shop 

Ex-army medic guy is kinda weird 

Jesus christ dude that’s one way to get the walkers attention 

Oh shit not the roof caving in 

Idk how I feel about the chick in the woods 

Oh YUCK the scalp being left on the floor as the walker gets up 

Beths rando getting killed shit 

Carol teaching the kids how to defend themselves during Story Time 

Maggie thought she was pregnant ?!?!?!?

Daryl telling Beth - how was he the best person for that job 

“Just tired of losing people is all.” Pookie 

DOES HE NOT KNOW HOW TO HUG 

Oh god there’s a sickness in the prison 

DON’T USE THE COMMUNAL WATER DICKHEAD YOU’LL GET EVERYONE SICK 

OH SHIT 

HE’S DEAD 

S4, ep 2

WHOS LURING THE WALKERS TO THE PRISON 

Tyrese please don’t sing 

Please don’t let Mama Stilinski die 

Glenn taking a polaroid of Maggie and refusing to throw it away my loves I adore them 

Michonne is that boys mother, you can’t tell me otherwise 

“It ain’t a breech.” No it’s not pookie 

Jesus that’s so many dead 

Carol having to kill that man and his eldest daughter deciding to do it 

Daryl knowing that one of the dead locked himself in cause he used to sleep walk 

“Gotta be.” Pookie you can say you’re not ok

The mans 2 daughters are fucken weird 

Michonne not wanting to hold Judith - hmm, I have thoughts 

MICHONNE CRYING 

IDSVUDSJKVNDS

NO THE POOR PIGS FUCK

WHYD THAT MAKE ME CRY 

THEIR PANICKED SQUEALING 

NO 

PLEASE NO

THEY BURNT MAMA STILINSKI AND THE OTHER DUDE ?!?!?!?!

S4, ep 3

Daryl stopping Rick and Carol from stepping in with Tyrese 

Rick and Tyrese fighting 

Sasha getting sick fuck 

“He’s already given me fleas.” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Tyrese dude, she’s dead and its an apocalypse, keep others alive before you hunt down whoever burnt her 

GOD 

NO 

NOT GLENN 

PLEASE NO 

Daryl working on the car.. fuck 

“Put a bolt in them for what they did.” Please do pookie

Why am I suspicious of the child ???

Carl’s growing up 

“What’s that word?” “Zananavere” “Yeah, we need you.” So real for that - yes, I spelt it wrong

A voice on the radio 

THATS A LOT OF WALKERS HOLY SHIT 

“Make a run for the woods and don’t stop for nothing.” Daryl baby, if they don’t stop for you, ill kill them 

Why is tyrese just sitting there? Run boy 

Not him sacrificing himself for the others 

HE’S ALIVE

Wait

CAROL burnt them 

Holy shit

S4, ep 4

Daryl taking something back for the people at the prison - for a grave

Michonne’s smile 

Of course Daryl can Hotwire a car 

The 2 in the house are a bit.. idk 

More mechanic Daryl my beloved 

Daryl is so comforting in such a brutal way 

“It was easier than telling an ER nurse I fell down the stairs for the third time.” I know he’s dead, but imma kill him 

The chick from the house is dead 

“You should have kept walking that day.” Fuck ok 

Feral Daryl getting up in his face - Jesus 

Daryl’s growling 

“You take one sip before those meds get into our people, I will beat your ass into the ground.” I don’t think that should have been that attractive to me 

Rick dude, they were gonna die. Y’all didn’t even have a plan to go get the meds when she killed them.

Rick you can’t kick Carol out the fuck is wrong with you 

If she goes, Daryl goes man 

RICK

DON’T YOU DARE 

I hate you Rick Grimes 

S4, ep 5

I hate you Rick Grimes 

The kid treating the walker like a dog 

OH SHIT THE FENCE IS DOWN 

Its all gone to shit 

Not Daryl and the others arriving back after it’s all been done 

Oh god they have to tell Daryl 

His instant concern 

NOT THE FUCKEN GOVERNOR 

FUCK OFF

JUST DIE ALREADY 

S4, ep 6

Oh please don’t let this be an episode about the fucken governor yuck 

Oh these poor people that have found him 

Yeah I skipped his episode soz fuck that guy 

S4, ep 7

Its still him fuck 

Skipped 

Not him coming across Michonne and Hershel at the end 

S4, ep 8

HE TOOK MICHONNE AND HERSHEL

Daryl’s growl while talking about Carol being gone 

Who’s leaving the fucken rats around 

Governor fuck off now 

Go die 

Jesus Christ 

Daryl don’t let Carl do anything stupid 

The governor is fucking insane 

Hershel looks so proud of Rick 

NO 

NO 

NO 

NO 

ABSOLUTELY NOT 

NO 

WHAT THE FUCK 

NO

HERSHAL PLEASE 

YES THE GOVERNOR WAS HIT 

DARYLS GROWL BEFORE HE STARTS SHOOTING 

MICHONNE RUN

LIVE 

PLEASE 

YOU GOTTA LIVE 

Oh god not Rick getting shot 

NO 

DON’T HURT HERSHAL MORE 

FUCK

OH OH OH YES

THE NEW CHICK SEEING HIM BE SO FUCKING VILE WHILE HOLDING HER DEAD DAUGHTER YES 

Daryl my beloved with the grenade 

Beth where the fuck are you 

The little kids killing someone 

The Governor getting the best of Rick 

MICHONNE GETTING THE GOVERNOR 

YES

HELL YEAH

THATS MY GIRL 

Daryl throwing a grenade in the tank 

Well.. the prison’s gone 

S4, ep 9

Michonne getting her walkers on a leash again 

Rick being a dick ngl

They’re both being dicks

FLASH BACK TO MICHONNE’S LIFE 

SHE HAD A PARTNER 

AND A CHILD 

Carl stop talking to your dad while he’s unconscious 

“I’d be fine if you died.” CARL NO

Him running into the door and not being able to open it 🤣🤣🤣🤣

The walker in the house 

‘Walker in side. Got my shoe. Didn’t get me.’ 

Fuck Michonne 

Carl thinking he’s going to have to kill his dad is fucking heartbreaking 

“112 ounces of pudding.” That- Carl- ok

Michonne crying because she’s so happy to find them 

WHAT DID RICK SEE TO MAKE HIM LAUGH

S4, ep 10

DARYLLLL

Conveying he’s sorry for the Hershal comment with his expression rather than words is such a Daryl thing to do 

Arms 

He’s so gentle but in a like.. brutal way 

Throwing the crossbow on the ground so he can save Beth 

Oh Tyrese has Judith, thank god 

I don’t trust those 2 little girls 

Who’s screaming????

AYO GET OUR HAND OFF THE BABIES MOUTH 

The eldest kid is a fucking psychopath 

CAROLLLLLL

Terminus … do we trust it ??

Glenn boy you better be ok 

HE’S IN THE OVERRUN PRISON HOLY SHIT 

“She’s my wife.” Hell yeah she is buddy 

WHO ARE THESE GUYS THE FUCK

“What else you got?” Ew 

S4, ep 11

Carl and Michonne acting like besties 

Not Carl ignoring her attempt to make him feel better 

Her telling Carl about her son 

What is going on in the house Rick’s hiding in ???

THE RICK GRIMES HEAD TURN 

Abraham, Rosita, Eugene 

How can he possibly know what caused this ???

How can someone in a fucking zombie apocalypse be that useless with a gun ?!?!?!

Oh yuck - those guys are disgusting - Rick, kill them 

Actually, Michonne, kill them 

Rosita going with Glenn and the other chick - the others following 

Terminus again 

S4, ep 12

DARYL YES

Not him and Beth hiding in the trunk of a car 

The snake 🤢🤢🤢🤢

Beth you’re like 17, you’re not having alcohol 

Daryl has forgotten how to talk I see 

WHY YOU FLIPPING HIM OFF 

HES KEEPING YOU ALIVE 

DUMBASS 

Why is she so fixated on alcohol like girly leave it alone - if you gotta run for your life, alcohol is gonna make that so much harder 

Daryl keeping the money and the jewels 

‘Rich bitch’ on a dead woman who’s been posed on a mannequin - Beth being bothered by it and Daryl probably knowing people who would have done that 

Daryl beating the crap out of the walker, even though he could have just killed him quickly - thats the first time he’s shown any outward sign of his rage at losing the prison and the others 

“Peach schnapps. Is it good?” “No.” Correct 

Daryl throwing darts at the pictures of the people on the wall instead of the dart board - the anger continues 

“Ain’t gonna have your first drink be no damned peach schnapps.” 🤣🤣

MOONSHINE 

DARYL SHES LIKE 12 

“That’s a real first drink right there.” DARYL 

Jesus Christ that’s how Daryl lived 

“Mr. Dixon” eugh 

WHY IS SHE DOING A DRINKING GAME WITH HIM

GIRLY IK HES HOT BUT YOURE A CHILD 

“I ain’t never needed a game to get lit before.” Pookie please 

Things we learn about Daryl in this game

He’s never been out of Georgia 

Been drunk and done things he’s regretted - a lot of them 

Never been on vacation - camping was for hunting and survival 

Him being offended when she does the “never been in jail” line - “is that what you think of me?”

“CAN’T HEAR YOU! I’M TAKING A PISS!!” DARYL PLEASE 

Things we might have learnt but it could be fake cause he’s pissed

never had frozen yoghurt (now that’s just cruel) 

had a pet pony

got anything from Santa

relied on anyone for protection 

relied on anyone for anything (you were abused pookie)

never sung in front of people in public like it was fun (ok that one’s fair)

cut his wrists looking for attention (low blow)

Aggressively trying to teach her how to shoot the crossbow - wonder how much Norman apologised for the physicality later 

“I want you to stop acting like you don’t give a crap about anything. Like nothing we went through matters. Like none of the people we lost meant anything to you. It’s bullshit.” “Is that what you think?” “That’s what I know.”

“I ain’t afraid of nothing.” 

Oh god his voice cracks 

A HUG 

FOR DARYL 

FINALLY 

BRO NEEDS IT 

NO NO NO NO DONT YOU DARE CRY DARYL DIXON MY POOR HEART WONT TAKE IT 

“Yeah, I’m a dick when I’m drunk.” Pookie, you’re a dick like 97% of the time

“I thought I was dead. Over a dumb cartoon about a talking dog.” Daryl, sweetie, I’m so glad your brother is dead.

“I was nobody. Nothing. Some redneck asshole and an even bigger asshole for a brother.” 

“I’m just used to this. Things being ugly.”

“You’re gonna be the last man standing.” I see that 

“You’re gonna miss me so bad when I’m gone, Daryl Dixon.” Fucken foreshadowing at this point 

I can not for the life of me tell if she’s flirting with him or not 

ARE THEY ACTUALLY GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN 

Crazy assholes actually did it 

S4, ep 13

Who is this?

Is this the ‘backstory’ of the dude who wanted the alcohol?????

It is alcohol man!!

Ok so with Maggie and Sasha 

Teaching Beth how to track and use the crossbow 

Dad!Daryl to the rescue when Beth gets hurt 

“This is a serious piggyback. Jump up.” Daryl marry me

Holding hands for comfort: cute. But if its anything else.. GIRLY HIS BEARD IS GOING GREY ADN YOU ARE A CHILD 

Sasha trying to get them safe and Maggie lost in her grief 

Daryl yuck don’t do that (do that to me tho) - the jar in the house by the cemetery 

Why’s she playing the piano - they’re meant to be quiet 

“This is the comfiest bed I’ve had in years.” IT’S A COFFIN DARYL 

I am Concerned Daryl Dixon 

How is a coffin the comfiest bed ?!?!?!? SIR??

I am trying really really hard to keep it that she is a child and he’s old enough to be her dad - PLEASE DONT BE A CREEP DIXON SHE’S 17 

I did some googling cause it was bothering me - they met when Beth was 16, she’s currently 17 and she dies when she’s 18. If ANYTHING happens between them, I’m turning off. (I knew she died it’s not a spoiler).

Maggie ditching the others to look for Glenn - writing messages in blood 

Daryl is at peak dad energy this episode 

A DOG 

CUTE 

Beth stop pushing the emotionally constipated man for his feelings 

NOT JUST A DOG

PLEASE LET THE DOG BE OK

Making sure she gets out the house safely 

WAS BETH JUST KIDNAPPED ?!?!?!?!

God he was running all night 

ALCOHOIC AND SASHA KISSING 

Maggie waiting for Sasha and Bob in the town 

Who the fuck has found Daryl?

IT’S THE CREEPS FROM THE HOUSE RICK WAS IN 

Glenn found the Terminus sign, thank god 

S4, ep 14

Is someone playing.. with a walker 

This eldest girl is fucken weird 

WHY THE FUCK IS SHE WAVING AT THE WALKERS 

The younger girl is also fucken weird 

Jesus Christ what the fuck is she doing 

She’s feeding the fucken walker 

THE OLDER ONE KILLED THE YOUNGER ONE 

THE FUCK

She was feeding the walkers at the prison 

Fucken hell 

Carol having to kill the girl she was supposed to protect is foul and cruel 

Telling Tyrese that she burnt the others, giving him a gun - holy shit 

“I forgive you.” Oh 

S4, ep 15

Abraham is really good at reading people 

Glenn taking off when he finds the sign from Maggie 

Daryl bby leave those creeps 

Carl and Michonne having fun together 

Oh you did not just invade on Daryl’s kill AND call Daryl Dixon “boy”. You gone die 

OH HES TALKING ABOUT BETH 

YOU GONE DIE 

Did this fucker just insinuate that ?!?!?! 

Daryl kill him 

He looks like a lil kid having his candy taken from him 

Don’t stop at noon - wasting time 

“Some of you ain’t exactly friendly.” Have you met you?

Did he just compare Daryl to a cat ???

Eugene is creepy 

And annoying 

Rosita queen 

What did they see? 

Dickhead needs to back up from Pookie 

Telling Glenn to go yes, but he won’t

MAGGIE AND GLENN YES

Glenn not telling Maggie that Tara was with the Governor is certainly a choice 

I get the feeling that Eugene isn’t saying something 

He’s leaving something out 

Or he’s lying 

They killed dickhead holy shit 

THEY’RE HUNTING RICK 

CAUSE HE KILLED THEIR MAN TO ESCAPE

Glenn and Maggie arriving at Terminus - why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Mary 

S4, ep 16

WHY IS RICK COVERED IN BLOOD THE FUCK 

CARL ?!?!

MICHONNE ?!?!?!

OH GOD DID THOSE DICKHEADS FIND THEM ?!!?

Those dickheads have in fact found Rick

“These people, you’re gonna let them go. These are good people.” Yes pookie save them 

“You want blood. I get it. Take it from me, man.” UH NO 

OR WE COULD NOT 

DON’T

STOP 

NO 

FUCKEN HELL 

LEAVE HIM ALONE 

The Rick Grimes Head Tilt 

Carl’s crying really reminds you that he’s still a child 

AYO

IS THAT DUDE GONNA RAPE CARL 

HOLY SHIT RICK

HE JUST RIPPED THAT DUDES NECK OUT WITH HIS TEETH 

HOLY SHIT 

“He’s mine.” Oh fuck

Dripping in blood, having just ripped someones neck out, and pissed off cause you dared to touch his son.. you’re dead dead dead 

He just gutted that man like a pig 

Holy fuck 

Michonne cradling Carl - thank you 

Carl lying on Michonnes lap like she’s his mum - imma cry 

Daryl looking out for Carl, making Rick clean the blood off 

Daryl Dixon don’t you dare blame yourself for those dickheads - you were trying to survive 

“You’re my brother.”

“What you did last night, anybody would have done that.” If someone tried to rape my kid, hell yeah I would 

Michonne and Rick have this way of understanding each other and it’s beautiful 

They’ve made it to Terminus 

Her walkers on the leash were her boyfriend and their friend - they were high in the damn apocalypse 

Carl bby you’re not a monster. You’re the product of your horrific circumstances and the shit you’ve had to do to survive. 

Gareth and Alex 

Don’t take their weapons pls 

“Hate to see the other guy.” “You would.”

“They deserve it?” “Yes.” Carl bby, yes they did 

Rick seeing belongings from other members of their group - putting a gun to Alex, Daryl jumping in with 0 hesitation 

Even in a zombie apocalypse I cannot escape lego 

JUST TELL RICK WHERE YOU GOT THE WATCH BRO 

YO

WHAT 

THE 

FUCK 

WHO 

IS 

IN

THE 

CRATES 

Why does the letter ‘A’ keep showing up ???

GLENN 

MAGGIE

“Now they’re friends of ours.” Yes they are pookie 

“They’re gonna feel pretty stupid when they find out.” … “They’re fucking with the wrong people.” 

What a way to end the season fuck 

[electricfranken]

OK READ MORE BECAUSE IW AS ALREADY COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS ON TWITTER AND SEEING THAT POST MADE ME SALTY AGAIN

Ok. ok. im acknowledging right now that i fucking hate capitalism but im living in it so i have these experiences and these fucking big ass pet peeves about people. i swear to fucking god. i hate most of my coworkers so much. 

some of them are so fucking lazy. like yesterday right as i came in this girl, who had been fucking STANDING THERE, doing nOTHING !!!!!!!!!!!!! runs out like immediately, doesnt restock anything, doesnt change the food, which means i have to pick up her fuckiNG SLACK.... ON TOP OF MAKING HER FOOD FOR HER

like if youre seriously gonna just stand there and babble on about bullshit youre a uselss person and incredibly inconsiderate like seriously? my one coworker legit said these exact words to me “wow, you just came in and you’re already doing your job” LIKE ?!????!>?>!?@?!>@?! WHAT !??>?@>!?@>?!>@<>1,/.W,./1./2 WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN !??>@!?>?!!>?@>?!

i couldnt help it i jsut said like “thats whats supposed to happen !!!’ and he looked at me like oh... LIKE BRO.... DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT MAKES MY LIFE WHEN PEOPLE DONT DO SHIT... I COULDNT HELP IT YESTERDAY they left me with like NO tinfoil and NO kids meals assembled last night when i fucking ASKED THE CLOSER IF HE WANTED ME TO DO ANYTHING AND HE SAID NO

SO BASICALLY I JUST ENDED UP DOING IT THE NEXT DAY ANYWAY, WHICH I HONESTLY WHOULD HAVE EXPECTED... BUT ITS LIKE HONESTLY DO I HAVE TO FUCKING SPELL IT OUT FOR EVERY SINGLE MORON THAT MY BOSS HIRES. am i like some kind of common sense master ??????? i feel like i should just be a fucking manager at this point but if i WERE a manager id be getting fucking $14 an hour and right now i get like 10 so honestly whats the fucking point. for more grief? having to deal with these high school goofballs all the time??? nope. 14 is not worth it. not even a little bit

all i know is i fuckign hate this job so much everybody in the establishment is braindead and i pick up their slack constantly. i ask them to do shit and they fuc it up and do it the wrong way so i have to REDO it. i try to help them and make their life easier but they DONT DO THE SAME FOR ME...... they fucking CALL OUT LIKE THREE TIMES A WEEK AND SO WE’RE UNDERSTAFFED AND I DO TWICE THE WORK.... im quitting or going on loa soon anyway so like... the grief will be gone soon.... but holy fuck... i feel like i have so much inner rage now because of these shit jobs i work. also public transit but thats not what im talking about right now.

if anybody managed to read this far i IMPLORE YOU if you work a job or plan to in the future if you fuck your coworkers over youre the worst kind of person and i hate you. take some fucking responsibility and do what youre supposed to do, if not for the money, then for your coworkers, because its impossibly tiring doing what feels like two peoples jobs everyday. thank you thats it fuck chipotle

[shinitai-jelly]

A Rant

Ya know I’m sick of being home. I’m tired of summer break and I’m 3 weeks into it. The first week I spent on vacation with my boyfriend and it was a good week, but since then I’ve been depressed and down. Even when my boyfriend visited I was happy around him and happy to see him, but there are so many rules and stuff in my house I didn’t even really get to wholely enjoy his visit. I’m so depressed here that even things that would make me happy or entertain me before aren’t as much anymore. Or I don’t even do some things that I enjoy because I am home. I LOVE legos and I love to put them together and make things and use my imagination, but at home, I feel so... looked down upon. Like I’m a child. I’m a big man baby who likes video games and legos and I’m too childish and need to grow up. I got an Otamatone for my birthday from my boyfriend and my stepdad looked down at me and said, “Why would anyone get you that stupid toy?” I can’t enjoy the things I enjoy here without hearing someone talk bad about what I’m doing. This is so ironic because I feel as though I act more of an adult cleaning up the psychological pieces they leave behind and helping them with financial situations. And I know I’m derailing here but since I mentioned my stepdad I might as well open that can of worms.

My stepdad is such a terrible parent. He was kind at first, but after a while, he turned toxic. It’s kinda like a fruit that fresh for like a day or two then rots quickly. He does nothing but makes me feel like shit. He hasn’t hit me... yet, but he has threatened to do so many times. It’s every aspect, every sentence, every action is just another to tear me down. Like I said he talks to heavily down on anything deemed childish, and won’t be afraid to say something about it. I don’t even draw in front of him or show him artwork or anything because of this, if I can’t enjoy anything why would I want to share it with him? But it’s not even childish things it’s other aspects too! I’m gay (if you couldn’t tell) and oh boy, even though he doesn’t say anything to my face I can tell he REALLY doesn’t like it. But at the same time, he doesn’t censor anything about gay people and his opinions in front of me either saying things like “we should go out and kill all the faggots and carpet eaters” or “I hope Trump gets rid of all these fags”. The amount of disrespect that he spews, and he demands we treat him with even an ounce of respect. Also, I’ve struggled with mental health for quite a while and he will bluntly ask me “What’s wrong with you?” like I’m a creature or visibly ill anytime I try to talk about it. He’s also insulted me for crying when I get overly angry or frustrated like when I was trying to explain to him that he wasn’t being a good parent. He also tries gaslighting a lot. Such as in the explanation I said I was giving he would deny anything negative I said. For example, on two occasions, he has eluded to me dying or killing myself. Like I jokingly said “if there were no people there wouldn’t be any problems in the world” and he told me to go out and shoot myself with the shotgun and be the first one. Even if it was a joke that’s something you shouldn’t tell your son especially during the point in my life as I was at. I told him he said these things, I said he does nothing but tear me down and he denied it all, said I should have a thicker skin and get over it. Even if I am a bit oversensitive what right does HE have to fucking tear me down? Oh and here’s the latest gag being supplied by him. There was a noise on my car and he basically said: “Go jack it up and find out what's wrong.”  I didn’t know where the jack was and I don’t know anything at all about cars and when I asked for help it was all aggression and him telling me if I don’t learn this I’ll get nowhere in life. Also when demanding I help him with his own car and ignore my own, my mom spoke up and said something only to say I won’t succeed in life. It’s not the first time he’s said this or eluded to this with me before. When I decided I didn’t wanna be a mortician anymore he told me it was the worst decision I could make and he pestered me about it whenever he could and tried to get me to meet morticians in the area to change my mind. There are more things he does that pisses me off but I think I should switch to my mother next before this post becomes only about him.

My mother... My mother... The only person I can even stand here right now and even then I can’t forgive her for anything she’s done. She thinks to be tolerant but still obviously homophobic and completely dismissive of anything I have to think or say is good parenting? She thinks dumping all of her problems both psychological and financial on me is good parenting? She does congratulate me on the good things I do and has been supportive of my boyfriend and my college major decision but... I can’t forgive the past. She was so toxic before and ruined me and seems to only care now about it even though she ignores it all happened. Her sending me to church counselors, grounding me, taking my friends, school activities, and items away all for being gay. I tried several times to tell her I tried so hard to reason with her. Everything went bad every time. One time she slapped me and I smashed a mirror, and then I lived with that constant reminder hanging in my room that my own family didn’t love me because of something I couldn’t change. That’s not the only thing she wasn’t supportive of at the time. I remember I tried showing her drawings and she’d dismiss them, until one day I showed her a drawing that took me 3 hours to do and she said it was stupid and I shouldn’t draw what I drew anymore. I almost gave up art entirely there. I’m glad I didn’t. She also didn’t like that I was helping in two of the school plays. I stopped doing plays after the second one because it wasn’t my thing but still the way she talked about it made me feel like quitting sooner. I joined my high school marching band and she was more supportive of that, even though she missed any and all times I played. She apologized for it all the time for it but it did hurt knowing that she probably didn’t care enough to even try and show up when I knew she could. It felt like she had this standard for me hanging in the air and looked down at me like I wasn’t good enough when I didn’t meet her expectations. Now I think she realizes she made a lot of mistakes and that I’m probably going to leave as soon as I can and is trying to make up for it because she feels no one else in this house actually cares. Which is sad in its own right, but that doesn’t excuse tearing down my self-esteem and turning me into a self-hating, low self-esteemed, passive, quiet, awkward monster.

Speaking of monsters, you know who are monsters? Teenagers. My sister is a teenager now and my god is she a delinquent. She is so rebellious and has the biggest attitude a child could have. She back talks teachers, makes bad grades, yells at our parents. She’s crumbling into a bad kid and is going down a dark path and I can’t even help her. She won’t listen to reason and believes we’re all out to get her and ruin her life which we’re not! We’re trying to help! Beyond that she is pretty cool, we have a lot of the same interests. I just don’t like where she’s heading as a person.

Ya know, I wasn’t going to talk about this, but while writing I remembered him and it made me sad. Ya know, no one knows how I truly feel about this and I don’t think anyone cares anyway. But my real dad. He killed himself several years ago. It tears me up inside like a blender blade in my chest sometimes. It’s difficult, because I don’t have anyone to talk to who understands or who is on the same wavelength enough for me to talk to (there’s a kid who lost his mom but he’s beyond talking to as he’s so far into drugs I’d basically be talking to a braindead worm). So I bottle up all these feelings. My mom doesn’t believe it was suicide, but I think it was. When you’re at your lowest you’d be surprised what a person is willing to do (hell I almost ran away twice). So I could believe he did I mean he was willing to leave me and my mom only to come back later and leave again so why wouldn’t he? I don’t want to end up like him. I don’t want to hurt people in my life only to kill myself in the end. Although I’m not good for much else so that’s probably what’ll end up happening anyway. And thinking of this scares me.

[dem-khuya]

12272018:1623

hello! it has been a really long time.

winter break started a few weeks ago. the 14th for me, i think. i failed one of my exams and after that i have not had the desire to look at my final grades lol! i spent one week doing nothing, and this week my family went to florida.

so much has been on my mind that i have been trying to push away but it’s getting to a breaking point, so i don’t really have a choice except to...put it down somwehwere, if anything just as a checkpoint, a marker that i’ve thought.

i’ve been seriously considering pursuing a senior honors thesis and a research fellowship for the summer. i’m worried that my grades won’t let me through but A) my grades aren’t actually that bad? i don’t think so anyway. i fucked up my probability score but i should be ok for most of my other classes except for maybe translation in which i also didn’t study for the exam either ha ha ha. i’m a real fuck up i am! and B) i remember a story one of my ex-friends told me where she made a C in chemistry but still received a huge scholarship at her university so...yeah! it’s not the end for me and i’m trying to reduce my anxiety but it still acts up on me so oh well.

but in any case, the senior honors thesis. if i do that i won’t be able to graduate early and do my computer science studies like my father wants me to. actually if i do that, i think i will most likely apply for a fulbright during my senior year, continue pursuing research while doing some kind of part time work, and return to taiwan on an english teacher’s scholarship which is...exactly not what either of my parents want at all haha...

on the other hand i can struggle through my computer science degree, graduate early, find work, and stick with the work just like my parents work but something in my chest just find the idea of working in comp sci revolting. maybe it is my naivete but i don’t want to work in an office setting. it just isn’t compatible with me! i don’t like it! i don’t like company politics, i don’t like hearing my father tell me how much he hates his job and that that’s the future that’s coming for me (yes he really said this)—that i will hate my life and my job and that’s just how it’s going to be because at least i’ll make money!

i talked to my grandmother (my dad’s foster mom) about this and she told me that he was being unreasonable and unfair to me. for some reason hearing her said this made me disocciate (like actual disocciation) and go kinda braindead for a few days. like...i guess i always thought that my father was reasonable and i never wanted to talk back against him but never really considered that he was wrong.

god i’m so tired! why is life so tiring! i can’t count how many times i’ve wanted to die over the semester but i think it’s just too many to count

i’m tired of being forced to make these difficult decisions and not knowing what is right and what is wrong. on top of this i have a backlog of work to get through, those of which include but are not limited to: research work i have neglected for my professor, cover letter for my master’s program, application essays and budgets for my fellowships i want to apply for...ugh fuck! and applying for graduation as well as figuring out if i can...unapply...for graduation l m a o. i am so tired. i also have to make a powerpoint on studying abroad in taiwan and outline a presentation to give within the second week of January and return emails regarding that. is that it? i think that is it. oh son of a fucking bitch that’s right i gotta sign up for one of my comp sci classes lol...fuck my life!

perhaps...perhaps just the easiest thing is to get on that work right? like just...a forward moving action, just always be working because like miyazaki said, it’s just to boring doing nothing (he’s really right about that, it is).

so i fucked up and i don’t know what to do! okay...but just...move forward...if i stay back then it’ll only hurt more later. i’m already behind! i can’t stay behind any longer because like this i’m just going to fucking melt. i have between the 28th to the 7th to get caught back up again. that’s what, eleven days? then the 8th is going back up and the 9th is starting school.

ok i think...i think i can do that. just move forward. just make lists of things to do and organizing my time and making sure i know what i’m doing NEXT instead of focusin on the mistakes i did before. i think that is my problem...i’ve spent so much of this break thinking and thinking about things that haven’t happened yet and the things that happened already instead of thinking about what i have to do today and tomorrow (which is all i need to think about! honestly!). that’s it.

but can i just take a moment and say this—why is this life so hard as it is? why is it so difficult for me to just pick the thing i want to do and...do it? goodness

i’m thinking about lhiftya right now and how much i miss her and how often i always think of her. i know she feels similarly. about seeing the future and becoming so tired, and thinking of what has happened before and not being able to move from one spot

one day i’m going to meet lhiftya. one day i’m going to take her all around taipei and show her all of my favorite spots. and in order for me to do that i have to move forward in one way or another. if i fuck up and never get the research grant i have computer science, i have a father that can almost elatedly find me a job no matter where it is. and if i fuck up finding a job my father said he would let me stay in my MS program and i can almost certainly get into the MS program which will buy me a year, a miserable year but a year to get back on my feet.

that’s it that’s all there is. foward. just...i just have to take all the necessary steps to move forward and that’s all there is to it.

[shoemakerobstetrician]

THIS!!!!

There was a similar brouhaha about the ending of Good Omens S2, and it took me a couple of weeks to gather my thoughts and write a heartfelt post about how much Good Omens meant to me:

There are a lot of people out there who really have no perspective. Representation does not mean happily ever after. It means acknowledging and including queer characters, who live with the same problems and challenges as every other character.

It’s not queer baiting if something bad happens to your blorbo!

Thanks for saying this so forcefully!

one single hot take from me before i go rewatch the reunion scene ten times and then go tf to bed.

we have a show full of queer people. every single person we encounter with the exception of the british probably is QUEER. ALL OF THEM. let that fucking sink in for a second.

and the queerness is so multi faceted and well done and reflects the realities of so many people watching it.

so if you sit down after this finale and type a post that in any shape or form calls izzy's death homophobic, "bury your gays", or anything in that direction? i need you to go outside for real. i need you to fucking log off and look at the news. maybe look at some nice queer media statistics from 2014-2016. maybe turn on the fucking tv and scroll through the programs and THEN you can come back and tell me how many queer people you saw. how many shows that are unashamedly about queerness.

yeah that's what i fucking thought you absolute twat.

if you are harassing creators over their writing choices when they are out there risking their careers to create queer media you are a vile person and i want nothing to do with you.