#i am done with my breakdown

[skitskatdacat63]

Yes these have all already been posted, but 2023 Vettonso comp post for me because I'm going to have an emotional breakdown

[goldkirk]

i haven't been this not okay in over a year and i do not miss it and i do not want it

[goosologist]

[arom-antix]

@fishshit I consider your post canon so I made it

Edit: I FOUND IT

Edit 2: Yakov trauma

Edit 3: I lied, here's the design rant

Edit 4: Updated design!

[teamfurtress]

(NebulousMedic) I saw ur post on twatter I hope u feel better soon </3

thanks homes ❤️‍🩹

[tethered-heartstrings]

knowing I will be misgendered for the rest of my life and essentially being forced to begrudgingly accept that reality does not make it any easier or less exhausting or wearing on my soul every time it happens

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[lacewise]

Logically, I understand that prepwork and setup take time and are distinct skills from crafting

Emotionally, I don’t understand how I have so many projects in different stages that never seem to get finished and always seem to expand

[kickassfu]

my dog might die tonight

my mom's depressed and emotionally exhausted, to the point she slurs her words and feels like a zombie most days

has said to my face she doesn't want to fix it

that soon her mom will die and me and my sister are grown so...

we don't need her

and my dog's old and sick

in pain

at the vet getting oxygen and medication

to see if he'll make it through the night

and thank god he's there, so he doesn't have to suffer

but he's not next to us

he might die alone away from us

i think there's some poetic bullshit there

he would die in pain by our side

but he has a chance to survive away from us

and if he doesn't make it till the next day he'll die alone, but without pain

i just want to take everyone's pain away

but I can't

i can't fix it

it's not up to me

i can't do shit

[crossbackpoke-check]

inspired by @colap1nto <3 and posting here to hold myself accountable: writevember! attempting to write something every day no matter how much and what it is

i am however inventing stipulations for myself so i cannot weasel my way out of it, which includes a valid definition of “write”:

actively put words into a document in the form of a proper fic!!! too many wip not enough hands!!

poems (actually laughed at me coming up with this but maybe i will go back to my roots)

research/meta/primers

tag stories are permissible IF i actually compile and edit them into a readable document that day

editing to post to ao3 (the optimism) is also valid. it takes me so long

i do have concrete arbitrary deadlines for one and a half fics that i would LOVE to finish and post in november (dewey^2 and [redacted :)]) so i’m hoping this helps!! also, this is secretly just a sticker chart where i get to put down emojis for each fic i worked on and check off boxes but a win is a win

day 1: 🪻🐈‍⬛

day 2: 😇🤭 (🕒 -> 🕜)

day 3: 🫃2️⃣

day 4: 🍎

day 5: 🫃2️⃣

day 6: 📑, 💌

day 7: 🫃2️⃣ AND ☁️💧. who is she

day 8: 🪻🐈‍⬛

day 9: 🫃2️⃣

day 10: 🫃2️⃣

day 11: 🫃2️⃣ we are on a STREAK and also a countdown 🫡

day 12: 🫃2️⃣

day 13: 🫃2️⃣

day 14: 📬💍

[commence-screaming]

I know you all are awaiting my response, and I’m grateful for your patience. There are some things I have to address here. Never wanted to put everything out there—I don’t like drama on my blog. I have a document that’s over a thousand words long, but I realized that when people have blocked me and are saying stuff in the main tag, they don’t want to listen. They just want to hurt me.

So I guess now there are things I have to clarify… it’s heavy, but I tried to keep it short. I didn’t have the energy to read everything they were saying about me so I may get things wrong. I didn’t really want to post this.

Content warnings for mental illness, suicidal ideation, mentions of abuse.

Let’s get right into it.

1. I’ve always lived with the paranoid delusion that everyone was conspiring against me, that people secretly hated me and would smear me behind my back. I passed these off as negative thoughts, anything that might’ve “confirmed” this would set it off. I’d have an episode I would have to deal with on my own. I thought that nobody would stick with me in a crisis, and I would always be thinking along the lines of, “is it all over?”

I feel liberated, now. There’s no need to fight when they’re true. I am more at peace with myself.

2. I never want to hurt anyone. Not a real level, the angst stuff is fictional pain. I am autistic—the things you’re hearing me say are the first times I’ve talked to people (other than my family) for my entire life. I always want people to go to me when I do something wrong so I can handle it and learn from my mistakes, that’s why I have my bio set to what it is.

That, and my memory is so fuzzy that I can’t remember too much from even last week. I tend to dissociate and my brain turns into mush.

3. The “minor incident” that Ghouse and the others were talking about was one of his mods saying she’d “tear people apart” and then immediately citing me as the main cause because I was “being rude.” I told her why I was taking a break, as I couldn’t handle it, this had happened before and I asked them to correct me if I was wrong—even confirming multiple times that we were just joking around because I was paranoid.

I suggested they go straight to me for future reference. I was having a mental health episode. She called me crazy and that I was overreacting, implying I was stupid. Another mod told me I was overreacting and that I was acting pathetic and childish. This made point 1 so much worse.

4. The “suicide baiting” was something I told the Panic Room server in confidence. I told them I was talking a break. Ghouse said “it wasn’t that bad but okay,” as if he were gaslighting me. He said things like this as I was sobbing alone in my room, which he was well aware of.

I have to clarify that it wasn’t baiting. Suicidal ideation has been something I’ve been dealing with since I was 9 years old. I have been abused/gaslit for more of my life than I have been safe. I never wanted to say this, but they were brushing me off at a point where I was trying to find a reason to live. I had stupidly thought that they would understand what they were doing to me if I said.

5. That was the first time I had an episode like that. To say that it was baiting is to say I was lying. Let’s play devil’s advocate here.

If I were lying for attention, why would I destroy all my relationships in a single night? Why wouldn’t I make art or something along those lines? They’re big on art.

If I wasn’t, then that would mean that I was having a few bad days and they did nothing to help me… beyond condescendingly saying that I need help. I don’t blame the minors in the server, I’m talking about Ghouse, who is older than I am by around 2 years. I told them I called 988 and it didn’t really work. He continued to tell me off.

After I was kicked I was made aware that they immediately started insulting me. Whether you believe me or not, purposely attacking someone who’s mentally ill is… too far. I hadn’t done anything to them before this incident.

6. The reasons I freaked out was because I was sad that I had unintentionally hurt people, I had started a new, dangerous job, and… well, to be honest, I was terrified.

They were making me forget that I’d been hurt. I was starting to trust them. I had been starting to look forward to tomorrow. And, I was so scared that it would all be over. I didn’t know when, just that it would be.

Now, it is.

7. I may very well have been joking around with everything while on the server, but serious topics were serious. I was never “demeaning” when Ghouse was venting about something that happened to him beyond a couple of lighthearted comments. I thought they’d have the same respect for me. Again, I had confirmed multiple times that I was joking.

8. I might not have done much wrong in the Panic Room situation, but the other things that people are saying about me? I had no idea.

That was the first time I’d ever heard of them.

In the past, my autism had gone completely unchecked. some of those things were from when I was a week into being on my first server… ever. I was 17, had no idea how to check for age or even pronouns. Never used anything but tumblr, never interacted with anyone. Never went to school or even had a job at that point. I more tried to figure out everything based off of my own experiences… which was, not good. To say the least. The things I did, in my head, I thought they were “normal.” This doesn’t make it less terrible, but I hadn’t even remembered some of the incidents until someone pointed it out. It was so mundane to me—I was a messed up child. I’m sorry for this.

8. I wasn’t the best person, I really wasn’t. I didn’t know how to “mask” my traits at that time, I was excited to be able to talk to people. I was protective over my friends (my first friends! ever!) and very clingy. I didn’t know that people held characters close to their hearts, either? (When I have a favorite, I only want to hurt them, you see)

So while the doc was deliberately taking things out of context, some of the other accusations are true, unfortunately. I will be posting my DMs between me and the people on the server in my doc.

9. I have explanations for what I’ve seen of the accusations, but I don’t really recall anything from that incident over 3 years ago… if someone had told me, or even confronted me, I’d have known what was wrong. But they didn’t, and they kept talking to me like everything was normal. I was completely unaware. This is most of the reason I thought people were plotting against me—people would be cold to me and I wouldn’t know why. The worst part is that I can’t apologize. I can’t even try to rectify anything. Some of the people in that server still played PAYDAY 2 with me, some would even reply to my DMs. I had… no idea.

I have hurt people. Unknowingly, but still. I apologize to anyone I’ve affected. Most of it was not knowing how basic social media functions worked. I hope you understand that my behavior was out of line, and that I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. Don’t defend me on that, I was entirely wrong. But… smearing me in the fandom tag instead of going to me directly means that they want to attack me. They don’t want an explanation.

All of my actions were genuine. I never intended to hurt anyone, but that’s what ended up happening. I’ll put more detail into the doc.

10. I was already going to take a break. I was already doing poorly, and the server knew this. At that point, they want me to go through with it. What else would they be saying when they do all of this? Unless I’m reading that wrong. Whatever the reason is, they don’t want to help me, they’re deliberately being malicious and they know I wasn’t baiting.

Although, I guess I have to thank them. Now, I can say that I wasn’t delusional. I can say that I was too smart for my own good. How crazy does it sound to think that everyone was just waiting to betray me? But… they were. I can begin to trust myself again, even if it’s accepting some of my “negative thoughts” as reality. I won’t be reaching out to anyone I don’t already know, and there is safety in never putting myself out there again.

Thank you to everybody who stuck around. My delusions… weren’t entirely correct. Just like how most of my former friends blocked me on sight, there were a few people who didn’t mind when I wasn’t responding. There are some people who believed in me to a point where even if all those accusations were true, they believed that I could change. That’s… something I never thought I’d hear, ever, in my life. That is a form of trust I don’t deserve, really.

So, I was wrong again. Not everyone wanted me gone. It took all of this for me to realize that there were people who loved me in the truest form of it.

As for everyone who cut me off… well, I hope you understand that because of my mental issues, I can never trust you beyond a professional level. It is for my own wellbeing, because I’m still not doing good. I will still be taking that break. The PAYDAY 2 fandom was a source of reprieve for me, and now it’s not. It wasn’t an accident that it turned out that way. All my safe spaces have been taken from me. I don’t know why the Panic Room server hated me, so I can’t provide any extra insight on that.

The truth is, I haven’t been around because I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time. I’ve been passively… yknow. Not actively. I haven’t had the energy to respond to anything on most days, I’m sorry for that :(

All of this was just the breaking point, really.

Thank you for reading. I know most people won’t, but I appreciate those who do. I won’t blame the rest of you if you all decide to leave as well, I understand that. I never made the blog for other people, I made it for myself. This whole thing will serve as a reminder that there are more important things than online spaces. Can’t get therapy because I’m broke, but I can enjoy the few things I still can… even if I’m reminded of what I’ve lost. I don’t think I’ll really be here anymore, but I will be okay.

[grooviestsadpapaya]

Literally I cannot possibly have anyone I know in real life find out about my comic or I will have two worlds collide and that would be bad,,, is this normal

[times-of-drought]

Snippet Sunday woah

– If I wanted to, I could do some lifting – she hissed under her breath. Of course, she never planned to take on that "profession", she has always looked at members of it with a dose of light-hearted disregard. All lifters think that they oh, cheat the system so perfectly, but if it came down to it, they could not defend themselves even against common muggers, moreso her. Kealis... does not like the type of a person that puts too much faith in their mind, while lifters are exactly that. Of course, intellect is quite crucial in her current specialty, but simple, brutal strength is equally as important. You should never put all eggs in one basket, as her old friends from the underworld used to say. She got dreamy for a while, reminiscing about liked by her gamblers. Oh, such nights did she spend partying for their dirty points! Her every relationship ended with an emptied out account of her "friend". That's just how Kealis was and nothing will change that.

– Gdybym chciała, mogłabym poliftować. – prychnęła pod nosem złośliwie. Oczywiście, nigdy nie zamierzała parać się tym ‘zawodem’, zawsze spoglądała na przedstawicieli tej profesji z pewną dozą lekceważącego pobłażania. Wszyscy lifterzy myślą, że och, tak wspaniale oszukują system, ale gdyby przyszło co do czego, nie byliby się w stanie obronić przed pospolitymi rabusiami, a co dopiero przed nią. Kealis… nie przepada za typem osoby, która za bardzo pokłada swoje nadzieje w rozumie, a właśnie tacy są lifterzy. Oczywiście, intelekt również jest niezwykle istotny w jej aktualnej specjalności, ale sama brutalna siła jest podobnie ważna. Nigdy nie należy stawiać wszystkiego na jedną kartę, jak to mawiali jej starzy znajomi z półświatka. Rozmarzyła się przez chwilę, wspominając lubianych przez nią hazardzistów. Och, cóż to były za noce spędzone na balowaniu za ich nieuczciwie zarobione punkty… Każda jej znajomość, prędzej czy później, kończyła się na opróżnionym koncie "przyjaciela". Taka już była Kealis i pewnie nic już tego nie zmieni.

I love her. She's my favourite [SPOILERS]

serial killer ♥♥♥♥♥

[cornerstoreclown]

It’s Christmas Eve and I’m on my break, thinking about what prompts to send in, and then it hit me- what it would be like to slow dance under some pretty lights with Art? 🥺 -💀

HHRRUGUGHHH YOU'RE GETTING ME IN THE FEELS RIGHT THERE ANON OHH YM GOD. I hope you don’t mind that I combined this request with your playlist one, it just tied together really well incidentally, so I was like, fuck it. 

REQUESTS: CURRENTLY CLOSED. 

A short ficlet with a gender neutral reader making Art a playlist out of circumstance and... Well, they both dance to it! Very domestic. No warnings listed. Lightly proofread, I am very tired from work.

------------------------------------------------------     The few times that you visited Art’s hideout, you’d bring some stuff for yourself to do while he worked. Sometimes you’d bring your Switch, sometimes you’d bring work for yourself, and you’d be doing your thing while he did his. It was this weird, twisted kind of parallel play where you did what you wanted, and he did what he wanted, and the both of you enjoyed each other’s presence in the silence. You’d eventually bring more of your own kinds of things over, slowly setting up the place to your liking just as much as his. He’d allow it. The place was a little dreary at one point, and you brought in colorful lights to wrap along some support beams and hang on the walls with some tape. It kind of reminded you of a carnival, or the holidays. You brought a bean bag shortly after for yourself to sometimes sit in or nap.

Then, one time you brought a speaker device to hook up to your phone to play music, where you played what you wanted rather quietly, mindful to not disturb Art as he was often hammering, screwing, and binding things together. You remember when he eventually began to snap his fingers to the beat absentmindedly every so often, and that’s when you began to play your music slightly louder. You soon began to notice that he had his favorites, where he’d bob his head, dance in place in his seat as he worked to the music that he really liked that you made a point to play for him. For the more dramatic songs, he’d have flair in the way that he’d use his body to emphasize certain rises and drops in the energy. You even saw when he was working standing up, he’d danced in place before, and you kept to yourself the laughter in watching him in his element as if you weren’t even there. 

One of those times after dancing, a slower song transitioned in the playlist you made that was, by the way, specifically his playlist. He helped you curate it over time as you took note over which songs he took a liking to, and which ones he didn’t seem to have much of a reaction towards. During that slow song, you were focused on your switch, sitting on a bench nearby with dried blood on it, but found yourself interrupted when a hand jutted itself in front of your face. You jumped a little when that happened. You looked up at him, and he was staring down at you expectantly. 

“You want me to dance? With you?”

He emphasized how he wanted you to take his hand by the way that he jerked it in front of your face a second time. You leaned back a bit, and took his hand.

“Okay--if you’re sure--AH!”

He yanked you to your feet, and you frantically had to put your game on the bench before he took you away. You didn’t even have time to turn it off. 

The way that Art held your hands up with his, interlaced his fingers with yours, and began to dance slowly in place with you is something you’ll never forget. You didn’t know that he had it in him to do that sort of thing, and you remember looking up at him, your eyes meeting his--prey and predator unified together as one. The dance was slow, it was easy, and he swayed, and you let him take the lead. The way that he was looking at you the entire time was intense, you felt so small compared to him. And yet, as you both swayed in place, going in a circle, leaning as he did from time to time, you couldn’t help but feel like you’re more alive than ever. 

The lighting in the room was dim. It was easy. The work that you did in making the space partially your own made it feel like a home away from home. Art really made it whole. The entire room felt like it was dreamy, the colors and the soft music worked in tandem with Art’s gentle touch that could have made you think you were asleep if you hadn’t known any better.

At one point, you closed in the distance between the both of you, pressed your head against his chest while still holding his hands. You couldn’t hear a heartbeat, but you imagined one there. You closed your eyes, and he rested his head overtop yours. You didn’t know that Art was one for romance, but you were happy. You think that at that time, he was happy too. The way that he looked at you when he had to pull away had a language of longing to it. There was also contentment. You have that gaze burned into your memory. 

You’re thinking about it right now, sitting on his bench. He left a few hours ago. You expect him to come back covered in blood. It’s practically routine at this point.

Maybe when he gets back, he’d be up for one more dance. This time, you think, opening up the playlist for him on your phone, looking through the more upbeat songs he likes, that he’ll enjoy something a little more on the lively and happy side. Something vigorous. 

You can only purse your lips in a thin line and smile to yourself. 

[loderlied]

a compilation of ‘gortash about zeke’ posts. have fun

[lilacerull0]

I AM SMART!!!!! i am very smart, i am done with bringing myself down I AM A SMART PERSON... and i am ESPECIALLY smart for medicine.