#i am definitely in a depressive episode rn

[paintednailsandsoftdetails]

911, a confession

Let me start by saying that I don't really know what I'm doing here, so bear with me. If I actually go through with posting this, and you find yourself tagged and wondering who I am and why, or even if you happen upon it in the tags, I hope you take a minute to read this.

You don't know me, but you've been my community for a while now. I've checked your blogs daily for years, I've read your posts and loved your art and sent you countless anonymous asks to pick your brains- never hate though, because I'm not a Freak.

What I am, however, is a lonely lesbian with depression and (newly diagnosed) OCD, who has always needed some hyperfixation media/fandom to find life bearable. For some ~fun context, I was Raised by the glee fandom, I will die on the hill that watching queer as folk when I was 14 and discovering its fans 10+ years after airing made me who I am, I've got the most bizarrely timed stint in the 1D fandom under my belt, and I find nothing in the world more interesting and also affirming than Queer Reading (verb) media- to the extent that I earned an English degree and wrote a thesis specifically about it.

I haven't posted on here in 1.5 years, since I fell out of my previous fandom (apologies to anyone from said fandom who still happens to follow me and is seeing this, feel free to move along.) But I've been on this app every day since, because of 911.

(starting the read more here to spare you- again especially if you are tagged, I know you're probably feeling miserable rn but I do hope the entirety of this love letter reaches you)

I started "watching" mid season 5- by which I mean I was in a deep depressive state after disconnecting with previous media hyperfixation and, when I happened upon 911 trending while in need of distraction, I quickly fell down a rabbit hole. Tale as old as time, tumblr dot com convinces you that you need to tune into *insert media here* bc its fun and there are gay people! I caught myself up through all the big blogs and by the time May Day was airing I felt like I had a decent grasp on all the lore, all the fandom drama, all the places the writers were "definitely, so brilliantly" going to be taking the show that we had to look forward to, all without ever having actually seen an episode of the show (before you boo me, yes I've watched it by now, even season 1)

But I think it is important, and also a little messed up, that I fell in love with 911 through YOU, through the fans. Obviously watching the show initially through the lens of fan reactions first and not whats actually happening on screen can have some... interesting results. We've heard it all before, with the people who started watching specifically for Buddie around season 4/5 because they saw The Will and by the time they caught themselves up and watched the end of season 6 they wanted their refunds.

Here is where I want to make a clarification- the reason I got so interested, why I started coming back every day to check in on tags and certain favorite blogs I didn't even follow bc I was denying the want to become fully Involved, was because I fell in love with Evan Buckley. I won't lie, it was Buddie that caught my attention first- of course, thats what everyone here was talking about- and as much as I quickly started discover the value of the show outside of them (Henren my absolute Beloveds!!!!! Captain Dad Bobby Nash you are so special to ME. Chimney man of all time i can keep going) none of it was enough initially to bite the bullet and catch up on 5 seasons worth of a show I also knew would have elements I WASNT interested in (Copaganda and Taylor Kelly I am looking at you.)

But then I started really getting into fan's readings of Buck *insert footage of me learning the Buck Begins of it all for the first time* as a character separate from Eddie (as much as people were capable of anyway, and I will say some of yall continue to be absolutely atrocious at it) and I knew I was done for. Buck, this character so full of goodness, and his need to be Found but to also Find his own family and purpose and sense of self, for whom the show's thesis statement concerns the act of working to Make the kind of Love you want to have in this world, even if you were raised without a blueprint for it- I'm sorry but what else were me and my gay ass queer reading inclined hyperfixated brain to do other than take Evan Buckley into the folds and never let him go?

I love Buck. I was convinced by the time the s5 finale was airing before I had actually watched the show that Buck had to be bi. Even if they never did a thing with it you couldn't convince me otherwise and I was also confident that Oliver was portraying him with a similar mindset. I never wavered in that interpretation, even when the utter disappointment of the s6 finale and the failure to do anything truly meaningful character development wise through the lightning strike-Natalia speed run hit, and certainly not as I got fully caught up actually watching the show outside of tumblr live reactions during episode airings. I'll admit I was pretty ready to Check Out after the end of season 6, to the point where I hardly checked in on fandom at all going into 7 until the rumblings of possible canon Bi Buck reached me and I doubled back like "hold on, for real this time?" But when I say Check Out, I mean I was ready to walk away from the hyperfixation with a joint lack of satisfaction with canon & firm conviction that Buck was queer.

Things with Eddie are a lil different- and I want to try and keep this bit brief bc this is ultimately a post about Buck and Bucktommy and I have no interest in unsettling those of you who may have a queer reading connection to Eddie as real as the one I feel for Buck, but unfortunately this conversation cannot exist separately from the Eddie/Buddie of it all- I personally don't think Eddie is queer. I don't really think I ever did, even when I was in the thick of it with falling for Buddie. I know me saying this would cause certain audience to pelt me with accusations of fetishizing Buck or treating Eddie as nothing more than a vehicle for Queer Buck via Buddie- false! I actually think Eddie is an incredibly fascinating character, a deeply compelling representation of grief and fatherhood and masculinity, and also a hilariously weird lil bitch guy. I just don't feel like- especially having removed fanon glasses while actually starting to watch the show, and taking the time to acknowledge that the things about Buddie that appealed to me on a romantic level (this is NOT about their friendship which i stand by being beautiful and important) all boiled down elements I was reading within and onto BUCK specifically, not Eddie. Perhaps an impossible concept for some, the idea that Bi Buck could feel so real and apparent to me primarily divorced from the idea that Eddie had to be queer as well, but I won't bore you with my explanations for it, though I suspect the people tagged and still reading by this point know exactly what I am talking about.

All of this potentially obnoxious prologue to say, I've spent the last however many months falling in love with canon Bi Buck *insert footage of me speed running back into my daily fandom involvement/blog check ins the moment I knew Buck kissed a man*, with Bucktommy, and with Bucktommy fans.

For a long while there I had resigned myself to an odd, though perhaps not as unique as I thought, reality of loving and fully believing in Queer Buck, not necessarily feeling the same about Eddie or Buddie, but also in full agreement with many that already 6 seasons in with literally nothing else having remotely worked, Buddie would be the only satisfying conclusion for Buck's love story. This is again not exactly how I felt about Eddie- but a big part of that for me is that I don't think Eddie's primarily story in 911 is a love story. He's the vessel for telling other important, beautiful stories about fatherhood and forgiveness and that is OKAY bc not every characters story is a love story!!! Evan Buckley's is though (Despite some very weird and confusing things mr stark has just said about his character that actively contradict what hes previously said and what audiences have been looking at and for this entire time, but I digress)

But then! By whatever happy accident we want to call it 911 had Tommy Kinard fall back into its lap as the solution to what felt like the impossible: They found the ONE way they could introduce a non Eddie Diaz love interest for Buck that COULD be satisfying for Bucks story. Someone with connections to the 118 and the shows history and potential for further development within main storylines as his job directly pertains to their plots. Someone with such compelling connections for interweaving these two characters that it got us- including the showrunner- talking about the Red String of Fate. That it got some of the beloved tumblr pals I had been watching for years, who NEVER would have believed they'd ever root for a Buck endgame that wasnt Buddie doing exactly that, and with joy, love, and conviction. Again I'll ask, what else were me and my Buck loving brain to do but take Bucktommy into the folds and never let go? (apparently I hadn't considered that there was apparently horrifying alternative- more on that next!)

As you all damn well know, falling in love with Bucktommy has not come without its trails. I have never seen things in fandom as vile as the things I've seen go down here. And as I mentioned before, I've been IN IT with yall for a while, even if you didnt know it. I was here, lurking, and I know this fandom has had its highlight reels of racism and misogyny and harassment (despite certain factions current batshit consensus that things were "never bad" before *gasp* a couple of people, some over the ancient age *double gasp* of 30 heard about bucktommy through tumblr the same damn way the 90% of you who havent been watching since season 1 heard about buddie and decided to invest)

What happened tonight made me cry, for about 40 minutes straight. And yeah, its been a devastating week for us all for a lot of reasons. On top of the ~national dread (I'm a lesbian in the US btw) today was my 7th out of 9 straight days of open to close shifts in a demanding retail/management position, and I have a head cold so maybe this was just a Breaking Point after a whole lotta shit.

But also, maybe, it was really fucking shitty to watch this play out. I've already seen countless people say it better than I could. Yeah, its a tv show. It's a fictional ship. But its also escapism, a spot of joy many of us were extra dependent on this week. It was something GOOD, queer representation and a love story on national tv days after a horrifying reality set in for queer people, and we are allowed to acknowledge how much losing that sucks just on a general level for a second...

Second over, now lets talk not on the general level. Lets talk about how I've watched real human beings get harassed, sent death threats, be told they are faking cancer and failing to properly grieve dead loved ones, I've watched deeply homphobic language be adopted and incorporated into everyday use despite constant correction and pleas from queer men to knock it the hell off, I've watched homophia as a whole run rampant and unchecked by big blogs, with some biphobia to boot, I've seen some images of horrific anti gay violence and historical trauma invoked as a way to make fun of others, I've seen lesbianism slandered and proffered as an excuse for such vile behavior in a disgusting erasure of the beautiful solidarity that has historically existed between gay men and lesbians in the face of homophobia, and yes, I've seen graphic descriptions of child rape via targeted fanfiction attacks.

Again, others have already said it better than I can: This isn't about Bucktommy. It's about the way that everyone who was Pulling for them as a couple, who DARED to *checks scribble on hand* enjoy a canon queer mlm couple featuring a character (or two) they've grown to care deeply for, has been subjected to all the above mentioned and more, and for...what. For. What.

In the name of a fanon couple that has not been legitimized by the writers in 7 years? of a fanon character interpretation of a canonically straight man (not just assumed straight, verbally assigned straight now on multiple occasions) that people cannot fathom perceiving this show, let alone liking these characters, without? For the version of this story that, if the writers REALLY wanted to happen could have happened so many fucking times by now- especially when the show was coming to what might have been its end in s6- and still hasn't? A version that has been dismissed multiple times by the writers cast crew and every other unfortunate individual who has been harassed repeatedly about it?

And I'm not here to say Buddie is inherently bad!!!! It brought me into this same as the rest of you. I don't even believe it would necessarily be a bad or wrong conclusion for either character or the show were it to eventually, finally happen!! But for the love of god, hear me when i say from the outsider pov of someone who has experience the show in the way I did first through fandom then stepping back to watch for real and now watching it with my mother who is a near Exact representation of the general audience of this show (experienced Procedural watcher, no idea about Buddie or fandom interpretation, had no sense of gay eddie to speak of, and is not shocked but pleasantly surprised by and endeared by Bi Buck) you are SEVERELY deluded if you think what happened tonight by breaking up Bucktommy "makes sense" to any audience outside of buddies who've been writing manifestos for years about how every single thing in this show is "carefully, intentionally, clearly" leading to Buddie canon. I swear to you the people at home do not fucking see it. The people at home saw Buck in a nice, developing relationship that finally seemed to be going somewhere real for him after discovering an important part of his identity late in life, and then they saw that relationship abruptly ended and Buck heartbroken, going to sit with his best, still straight, bud Eddie Diaz. The ONLY people this makes sense for are the people who I am afraid it seems may have legimately bullied this into happening.

And if that is the case? We are sooo far fucking past the point of no return here. There is no true satisfaction in a Buddie canon endgame here for anyone who's lived through the past half a year in this fandom unless you were a perpetrator of any of the horrific shit mentioned above. I mean that with my whole fucking chest. If, and i do think it is a Big Fucking Fat if, Buddie does happen, and you find yourself no qualms happy and satisfied with it as your well earned endgame, I hope you know how rotted you are. And while I'm at it, I hope some way some how you come to see that this was not the carefully crafted beautifully developed loved story of all time you were gods bravest soldier in waiting for. Its just what left after years of meandering storytelling and cyclical character "development" with a bow slapped on top at the last moment because the gift giver was afraid you might kill them if they presented less.

Anyway. I said a million words ago that this was a love letter, and I do mean that. As much as its also been an mental health exercise for me to write this all out. So,

@kinardbuckleys @bucksboobs @kirkaut @tevankinkley @userautumn @sunglassesmish @tommyscurls @ohithankyou @buckxtommy @princessfbi @bigfootsmom @firewasabeast

(And so many other people I'm surely forgetting, and the few artists and writters on other platforms I dared to venture to- maybe never opening twitter again after this xoxo)

Thank you. You don't know me, I never quite got over the anxiety of trying to re-enter a fandom space after a time away, or maybe some of the imposter syndrome or embarrassment I felt accidentally falling in love with this show and Buck by just watching you all talk about him before anything else. But for the last few months, some of you years, you've been my community, my escape. I've loved watching your brains and your hearts work to discuss and create, even amidst the absolute shittiest fandom behavior Ive ever seen. And I am as grateful for getting to experience it from a far as I am devastated at the thought of losing it, of not individually typing in all your blog names (I was too anxious to even FOLLOW you guys truly rip) to see what new content or spec or art or love you had to share about Buck / Bucktommy every day.

In another life- one where idk perhaps people were kinder or showrunners weren't bullied and actors weren't dropped last minute after months of torment and a satisfying canon queer love story for a character who genuinely needs it could just Be in peace- I would have loved to one day put on my big girl pants (aka saved Buck url) joined the fandom for real. To have directly talked to any of you in a way that wasnt... this.

I would have loved to love Bucktommy with you.

[ainawgsd]

I think it's time for some "quiet quitting"

[bright-and-burning]

i feel like my one coworker (who i really like!) has been picking up a lot of slack for me recently but it's like. not actually slack... like, we don't actually have any pressing deadlines? it's just that i fill my downtime w fucking around on my phone, and she fills it w like making up tasks (we just work differently) so she inevitably just like. does things that i was kind of putting off for a moment where i got hit w drive to work (or for when my adhd meds get refilled). so it Feels like ive been really dropping the ball but it's more just that she has been really on it lol. but i still feel bad...

[darlin-collins]

Mmm I love angst :)) Is that something that should flag concern? Possibly. Am I going to address that? Nope!

Anyways, could I please get CFHINUZ from the angst alphabet 🥀 for Claire and Ranger? thank you!

marry me rn./p

C - crying (do they cry easily? what causes them to crack? how do they cry?)

claire is hard to cry, imagining losing someone dear to em would break her, it's mostly silent tears w some sobs here n there w the occasional break down

as for ranger,is easily to for their eyes to water,they can even do it at command, but you won't catch them dead crying,lying to them will make them cry for obvious reasons ,if they do cry , they're a messy crier

F - fights (how do they argue? how quickly do they start an argument? are they patient with their S/O's feelings?)

Claire is louns and demanding and blaming whoever she's arguing with,she doesn't start a fight fast (unless it's w knight) bit if it does break out it's a disaster,she tries to talk first tho,she is patient w ranger's feelings

ranger,is the "hoarse voice,red eyes" kind , they also don't start a fight easy,but they are not very patient

H - heartbroken (have they had their heartbroken before? does their S/O have the power to break them?)

Claire,no,not romantically at least, she had the occasional situationship here n there nothing broken worthy tho, when she's mates w ranger theu can break her obv

ranger, losing Izaiah was their breaking point, they're never became the same after it, Claire can break them but it won't be as bad

I - Insecurities

Claire,yes,her scars ,she tells herself that she hides them from others but deep down she's insecure about them

ranger,their personality,how they became after losing Izaiah and regaining their memories,they hate themselves, slightly

N - nightmare (what's their worst fear?)

Claire,not being strong enough to protect the people she loves (she still feels guilty that knight got injured that day when they get a flare up or limp early in the morning, knowing full well that is the like,the only price to bay, that that's the best outcome,that if she wasn't there they might be dead, that they're still alive because of her,yet she feels guilty that she didn't provent more from happening)

ranger, vampires they don't show it,and definitely can't say it or knight wiuld literally skin them alive and hurt evie,and they're such a hypocrite for being friends w her,but they don't mind being a hypocrite for her,vampires makes them uneasy after Izaiah was killed by one

U - urges (what's something they want but cannot have? or something they lost and can't get back.)

while Claire is happy w her life rn , she does yarn for her simple "just a pack member" life,no alpha, almost no responsibility, being the reckless little girl she was again

ranger, trust,they can't turst again,not fully.

Z - zero (what would they do if they lost everything?)

Claire would probably kill herself after a long depressive episode of thinking that it was her fault and she wasnt enough to stop it

ranger already lost everything before and picked back up,a think they can do it again

[einsatzzz]

give me your favorite manga or anime of all time. NOW. like, the ones who changed you as a person. if you are okay with questions like that!

Charlotte!!!! More anime/manga asks yipeeee I'll give you the three I can think of rn! For this one, Gintama is definitely my all-time fave but the others are in no specific order at all

Gintama - This one started off as a comedy at first and it really took its time endearing me to all these quirky and funny characters, while also showing glimpses of the layers beneath them. Then comes the "serious" arcs, that's when I start screaming and crying when I get to know more beneath those layers. The comedy is definitely still the highlight in this series for me, whenever I feel down I would pick a random Gintama episode and just watch it. Tbh, even if it has 300+ episodes, I can confidently say that I probably already rewatched it at least three times by now. But another highlight for me here is the mangaka's godtier ability to shift the tone between say comedy and serious/heartwarming moments, the transitions feel really smooth and it doesn't feel forced or out of place. I mentioned this in Jojo's ask, but this series really helped/supported me through my most depressed teenage years and it's probably not an overstatement to say that its one of the reasons I'm still alive rn. One of the quotes there that I can still vividly remember is "It's always darkest right before dawn". On the more goofy side, even to this day, I still have that one monkey's long ass name memorized lmao (the tagalog version specifically) Even if I change interests and fandoms, it will always be #1. The writing style, the characters and the comedy in Gintama are all such a huge inspiration, as well as a standard, for me. If you're familiar with Gintama, you can see lots of pieces of it in the way I want to portray and execute my own stories.

Pandora Hearts - THIS ONE CERTAINLY CHANGED MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY AS WELL. ITS ALSO VERY MUCH A MASTERPIECE. But my brain treats it the opposite of Gintama, in the way that after I finished reading the manga - I never reread it again. That's just how much the story destroyed me so thoroughly. I'm so afraid to re-experience it lmaooo I cried a lot of times for the characters there and the plot twists are nothing short of insane. I really love how complex the characters, their relationships with e/o and their lore are in this story. This series really fuels the angst + extremely complicated story lover in me. It's also a huge inspiration for my stories 🤭🤭🤭 If you're not familiar with this one, I recommend searching this one anime ost it has called "Lacie" (to avoid spoilers, don't go for the sideshow ones dkdhdj). I'm so attached to that ost, it has been a source of both comfort and sadness in one package. One of these days, I'll get enough courage for a reread...

IDOLiSH7 - I discovered this idol series when I was in college! (specifically experienced it first in the mobile game form) I thought its gonna be the usual happy lighthearted idol story that I'll move on from after a few weeks BUT NO! BRAIN CHEMISTRY CHANGED!! I didn't expect them to go so much deeper than that and I didn't expect to love & be attached to all the main characters, it's insane. Some of the characters' problems like Mitsuki's even hits so close to home, it really made me go *pause and starts walking around the house*. And thats just part 1 of the story, and then it's gets even worse (in the best way possible) in further parts. It doesn't help that the anime for it was done with a lot of love and care in it, elevating and improving the source material even further (adding/emphasizing symbolisms, more foreshadowing, etc). I just know that the main people involved in the creation/production of its anime were also as much of a fan as I am 🥺💖✨ (THE SONGS ARE BANGERS TOO!!!)

That's all for now, let me know if you want me to list more hehehe I rambled a lot for each of these three, but tbh, I still don't think it's enough to express hm these series meant to me dkdbmssbsn

[violetashfall]

Hi ! Idk if ur requests are open- but if they are and ur accepting , I was wondering if you could pls do some Carl x fem!midsized!adhd!Reader headcanons ? 🙏🏻💜 !!

Reader has pretty intense mood swings, gets irritable & frustrated easily, impatient, impulsive, deals with anxiety/anxiety attacks, depressive episodes, tends to isolate when upset, body image issues/low self-esteem, gets overwhelmed & overstimulated easily, social anxiety, etc. Carl just knows how to help her, gently reminds her to take her meds, helps her love herself (often times by showing her how much he loves her body & curves), and is just overall a very patient, caring, understanding, sweetheart... who could deal with me

Sorry if this is too much btw - I'm just going through it rn and this would rly help, especially bc I don't see nearly enough Carl fics with a midsized reader, or who struggles with mental health 🥲.... Anyway, ily and ur blog sm ! 💞✨- I hope you're doing well and eating + drinking water !! <333

Yes! Requests are open, thank you so much! (I deffo didn’t squeal when I saw I got a request from you, I’m totally cool and stoic and normal.)

I got really carried away and wrote about how first interactions would go instead of simple head cannons (It’s 4k words and I’m still not done, what am I doing?) in my defence–I tried I’m just terrible at the format of head cannons.

I will practice them though!

I definitely wouldn’t mind making a little series adding dating quirks and depressive episodes.. etc (I’d constantly be in one during the apocalypse, let's be real) and I was already planning on doing a mini-series with some other prompts - so this would be great to get my gears turning! it’s just a matter of if anyone would read the ones I’m already thinking of :P I’m hoping to get it posted today, I’ll tag you! I hope you’re being very kind to yourself, I’m going through it too <33 LOTS OF LOVE FROM ME MWAH!!

My very professional notes app if anyone's interested in what I'm currently writing, I'm so stuck on the Ron fic god help me.

Yours is "Holding it together" but I may change the title? Girlie is struggling... I hope the story good I can't tell. At least I'm trying (I say for the millionth time this week)

[doubledyke]

One thing I dislike in season 5 is how the characters are often dumbed down just to fit, for the plot sake. The kids, in particular, seem to reach a point where Eddy can literally come up with any lie or scam (the forever-summer scam, the mole mutants, the booster shot day, the egghead Ed, a new kid Carl) and the kids will immediately buy completely without a question (even Kevin of all people). In earlier seasons, as gullible as the kids could be, they still kept a skepticism degree and were quicker to recognize something as a poorly manufactured scam (at least some of them).

So, of course, all the characters sound so out-of-character in season 5 (except maybe the Kankers)...

yeah i agree to some extent. i'm always hesitant to criticize s5 cuz like, who tf am i? i don't know much about the behind the scenes, etc., etc.. but i agree that it is very different in a lot of ways that stand out. if you view the differences in characterization as intentional, it's kind of interesting.

eddy is absolutely off the rails and is at his most volatile in s5. even his laugh is more villainous lmao. i liked kevin lordi's comment that he seems depressed as hell later on in the series. makes sense to me, i mean we see how he struggles in school, and how he gets treated there. you can't just leave when things get bad, either. i gotta say, i feel like they ramped up the eddy torture p*rn in s5. i might be biased though.

edd is also utterly unhinged. viewing the gradual changes in him as intentional (aka me over analyzing), i see that he's reached PEAK neuroticism. the guy is about to snap and eventually does in bps. frankly, i find him unbearable but it's all character growth in my mind. school is a source of stress for him as well, but for different reasons. also, he and eddy are a lot nastier to each other in this season.

with ed, i'm not really sure what angle to come at it from. if i stick by what i said before, then his over the top oafishness is likely a result of hardcore dissociating. maybe he ALSO really hates school and so his brain just shuts down. literally. you could also theorize that he took one too many bumps on the head (just kidding).

realistically though i think he's the easiest source of comedic relief for what is, after all, a kids' show. perhaps it became a bit of a crutch while they created some really great character driven episodes.

like fistful of ed, too smart for his own ed, cleanliness is next to edness, and, pick an ed. lots of edd focused episodes in s5.

to your specific point, i guess i see what you mean. but i've always wondered why the kids would fall for anything eddy does after like s2 lmao. s5 isn't the first time we learn that the cul-de-sac kids aren't very bright. they do all have moments of skepticism, and yes, especially kevin. in see no ed, he's shown to be borderline paranoid about the eds which is goddamn hilarious to me. but most of the time they'll all be skeptical at first, yet still end up taking the bait and acting shocked.

(by the way: kevin deserved sooooo much worse than what happened in this won't hurt an ed - which was ultimately nothing. eddy ended up being the one getting hurt at the end of the episode.

kevin is ruthless and flat out cruel to eddy. he's the definition of a bully. he's shown to be pretty normal toward everyone else in the neighborhood, including ed and edd when they interact one on one. with eddy, he has this abnormal and unhealthy hatred for the kid. it's really funny.)

in pick an ed, edd says its obvious that 'carl' is just eddy in disguise. eddy looks worried until ed falls for it. to me that implies that eddy thinks the kids are dumb as a bag of hammers. and he was right!

my thing with eddy is, don't hate the player, hate the game. it's hard for me to feel bad for someone who gets "scammed" or pranked over and over. if kevin wanted to, he could be the hero of the cul-de-sac and put an end to the scams by simply sharing his over-abundance of jawbreakers with the eds. but he's a dick, so he doesn't. the kids are also to blame not just for being such easy marks, but for never leaving jawbreakers for the eds when kevin shares with them. eddy's biggest mistake was waiting around long enough after getting paid for them to catch on.

summary: i used to also view s5 as a "dip in quality" until i saw a post where someone argued that the changes could and should be viewed as character growth/development over flanderization. both things can be true! and there are plenty of REALLY good, fun episodes and moments in the season.

[unmechanism]

HELLO I AM HERE FOR PODCAST RECS. I haven’t listened to TMA (way too big, I’m too intimidated) and only a little nightvale, BUT some of my favorites (in absolutely no order bc I can’t brain enough to do that rn) are: Hello From the Hallowoods, Tides, Second Star to the Left, Wooden Overcoats, The Last Show, Para.docx, The Mistholme Museum of Mystery, Morbidity, and Mortality

Things I didn’t like: Old Gods of Appalachia (really wanted to like, but it was way too graphic), Hello From the Magic Tavern, Girl In Space (the isolation creeped me out), Marsfall (too depressing, not enough hope)

hello !! that's very interesting, okay so I have a few ideas :

Elaine's Cooking for the Soul -

SCP find us alive - I believe you could really like this one, it's a very lovely listen weirdly hopeful and sometimes surprisingly funny

The Antique Shop - I deeply enjoyed this one and think you may as well

Midnight Burger - the length of the episodes may be a tad intimating but you definitely should try this one

If you liked Wooden Overcoats I got a feeling you'll enjoy The Vanishing Act just as much !!

there you go !! :D

[destinationtoast]

first thoughts on Ted Lasso premiere

Phoebe remains the absolute best.

DRESSED LIKE AN UMLAUT

Ted being all sad and rumpled and rumpled and sad 😭 he needs comforting but also antidepressants and some serious rejiggering of his parenting life lbr 😭 looking forward to the fic

love everything with Nate and Rupert and the whole West Ham sterile environment...it's so deliciously fucked up. And the panicking + spitting under the table?? FUCK. oh, Nate. i look forward to the fucked up fic

I'm not sad to have some Roy x Keeley angst... hoping with @wildwren that it goes angstier before or gets better! (WREN I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR FIC 👀👀👀👀) but also I love them and want there to be a very satisfying arc of them working their shit out and getting back together and fucking Jamie

I really don't think I followed the sewer metaphor right.. it sounded like a suggestion to form a human centipede?? 😹 i don't look forward to that fic, but god bless if that's your kink.

also was not expecting crotch shots as they descended into the sewer... looking forward to the gifsets

much good himbo-ness!

Disco, lol

what's Beard reading now, and why is he leaving it on Roy to carry all of Nate's old job?

yes thank you for sharing your bosoms with Keeley, Rebecca! please do more; Keeley is sad and deserves boobs looking forward to the fic

oh fuck, it didn't occur to me that Keeley's office would be joyless thanks to her VCs appointing the CFO, ... didn't she hire some of the people, though?? why aren't those ones at least fun and awesome?? I'm going to be bummed if she fails at running her own company or hates it... but that doesn't feel like a move the show would pull, i hope? she should have success and JOY. may need to write the fic

Sam shirtless yes thank you

Jamie's hair lol no thank you

he's okay to drive but forever changed, haf... of course Beard knows toad venom. there was no doubt in my mind.

press conference duel YES. I love Nate taking Ted down and Ted lifting Nate up. even if Ted's too distracted and depressed to have his full joke mojo, that was great.

what must Nate be thinking after he angrily closes his laptop. look forward to he fic and meta

get it, Sharon! (that's not anyone we're supposed to recognize in her bed, right?)

Ted asking sad questions and Beard not answering except to point out that they already passed his apartment 😭 Beard what is up with you rn??? looking forward to the fic

Very curious about what Trent is up to. 👀👀 looking forward to the fic

as I expected might be the case, I was vibrating with New Canon Energy the whole time and it was a bit distracting... I definitely need to watch it again soon now that I know the basics of what happens. but I liked a lot of things in this episode, and i am not angry about anything, all of which is a delight and a relief since last time I joined a fandom during a hiatus it was Sherlock, and my feelings about the following episode were Complicated

[reigenismyhusband]

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you with an ask for this, but 3, 7 and 8 for the s/i ask game

-@woof-ships

https://www.tumblr.com/huntinglove/750959724458065920?source=share

(In case you need the link btw, i know its been a couple days)

it is totally fine!!! stuff happens no worriess !! :DD thank you!!! ask game is here !! and as a treat bc i already answered all these for ace (three, three and seven, eight) i decided to answer these for my stardew farmer s/i!! i havent posted anything about them yet but shane is on my mind today....i hope thats ok!!!!

for a small intro on them...tbh theyre just a stardew farmer thats Me lol i think i named them kiwi, they/them! i havent thought about them in a while but i love shane sm <3333 they are kissssiiiiiing 3 – Have you ever imagined any episodes or segments of your F/O’s source starring your S/I? If so, what did they get up to?

oooo yes! this is a bit tricky with stardew but i like to think about kiwi completeing the community center and helping shane after he loses his job!! i think itd send him into a spiral, and i like to think kiwi is there to help him out!!! 7 – Within canon, is your S/I considered a hero, villain, anti-hero or a regular citizen? How does this affect their day to day life and their relationship with your F/O?

the town definitely sees them as a mix of a hero/just some guy! they definitely helped save the town by driving out jojamart, but they are also the weirdo that digs in the trash and comes up to them just to shove their favorite gift in their face haha. shane sees them as the person who helped pull him out of the worst depressive spiral in his life - so in his eyes, theyre the biggest hero of them all. shane also loves kiwis weird habits like waking up at 6 am and coming home beat up from the mines (even if hes concerned and tries to get them to be more careful)

8 – How lucky is your S/I? Are they always finding themselves in complicated situations or danger? Or do they magically get themselves out of anything scot-free?

Oh Boy. as with the canon of stardew, this varies greatly day to day! sometimes kiwi is super lucky and other times they find themselves in the mines facing down hoardes of enemies and getting beat up lol. they always seem to make out okay in the end - even getting super injured and ending up at the doctors, they always end up okay the next day. they bounce back quick!

thank you so much for the ask!!!! sorry its about kiwi but i hope thats okay! maybe ill make a dedicated tag and post for them lol. rn mob psycho is too much in my brain haha

[compassionatereminders]

This might seem kinda dumb, but I need to rant a lil. No need to respond if you can't rn, and also cw for imposter syndrome, anxiety issues and talking about suicidal ideation.

I worry a lot about being fake mentally ill - a few years back, I had really severe OCD (the obsession being based on a certain crime, don't wanna say which bc it's taboo as hell but yeah). But since then, it's calmed down significantly - I still have minor episodes that flare up about morality issues and past mistakes, ranging from a few hours to a few days at a time and I've had on and off obsessions about my sexuality for years.

I also used to really struggle taking care of myself back in middle school, and that's probably when the depressive episodes started to get bad - I was never sure I had clinical depression, but I did have varying levels of suicidal ideation and such. That's also since lifted a bit.

I guess I just...feel guilty calling myself neurodivergent. I feel guilty saying I deal with anxiety, or OCD, or even just depressive thoughts bc since they've lightened and I'm more capable of self-care, I feel like a fraud saying that I "have OCD" when most episodes nowadays only last a few days at a time with the severity not as bad. Like, before, I didn't even wanna leave the house - sometimes my room - if certain people were over. Now I can easily be around those people most of the time, and brush off thoughts that make me uneasy for the most part.

It's moreso moved on from on major obsession to a bunch of smaller ones that sorta come and go, ranging from social justice issues to something like spiritual beliefs and existential stuff. Also, semi-related social anxiety.

But I just...feel horrible saying I'm neurodivergent. I feel like I'm not "dysfunctional" enough to be those things, which makes me ALMOST tempted enough to prove I am, which wouldn't be healthy either.

Sorry if this is a bad time, just...ugh.

You cannot fake something by accident, so the mere fact that you are afraid of being a faker is definite proof that you are not. If you were faking this you'd know. It takes deliberate ongoing effort

[unsleepingtales]

Happy holidays from all of us here on fantasy high tumblr.

Coming back to the top having just finished the ep. I feel insane. ANYWAY.

Our name is ally brennan beardsley mulligan!!

I AM FRIENDS WITH PETE WENTZ FROM FALL OUT BOY WHO IS WANDA CHILDA’S (RECENT) EX BOYFRIEND???????

Ok glad we’re talking about spies tongue curse. Bc what was that

Oh my god this episode is three hours long

Sklonda what’s your goal here bestie

I’m really distracted rn so not many notes are being taken I’m definitely gonna have to rewatch this episode over the weekend

But god all the soil stuff is weird

Something in his office??? Something like maybe the mirror where baron first appeared??

Yeah just throwing energy into external things to avoid feeling your own feelings. Is a thing that happens.

THANK YOU RIZ please please talk about the students freaking out

Oh godddddd the soil it all comes back to minerals and soil somehow ok

Diamondized blood 😭

I love tired Adaine she’s trying her bestttt

Goddd the bad girls are everything to me. They are every triad ever.

You’re giving the identity spell a stroke guys

Holy SHIT Beardsley

Oooooooh DOME COLOR CHANGE

Saint Kristen Applebees motherfuckers

Okay that’s horrifying!

Ok so that was fun

Zac is SO smart

‘Gorgug….. so good’

Godly whale fall……… Zac Oyama your mind

It’s like burning man 😭

Burning Man as Whale Fall. Maybe I’ll write the paper.

Planeshift is a spell guysssss you have used it before

The way he talks to her makes her mad!!!!!

Cassandraaaaaaaaaa

Gorgug <3

Your enemy the beekeeper!

THANK YOU FOR TALKING ABOUT IT

Yeah Fabian probably does not want to go to Aelwyn’s house

Riding a scooter. Classic Adaine.

Devastating.

OOF

Yeesh.

Yeah the last friends Aelwyn had we’re not good!

🚨🚨 ZAYN MENTION 🚨🚨 Zayn my best friend Zayn Darkshadow 🖤🖤🖤

Brennan’s physicality as Aelwyn is so funny

Aelwyn and Fabian leave it alone!!! Don’t!!

What? No! No! What? What? What? No!

One thing about Ally Beardsley is they’re gonna talk about Joe Biden.

They’re good crimes? You’re having fun with the crimes? Come do crimes with us!

Aelwyn librarian era??

Holy shit Emily

What the fuckkkkkk

Absolute dream terrorist Figueroth Faeth

Gertie my beloved!

Dark red honey oooh

Kristen x Gertie let’s goooooo

HELLO????????

OKAY I GUESS THATS HAPPENING FANTASTIC LOVE THAT FOR BOTH OF THEM

Also that makes Gertie campaigning for Kipperlilly 100x funnier

Whattttttt

I need fic. STAT.

Yayyyy a bit of financial breathing room for Riz

Mazey!

My mind’s still back in the cafeteria I can’t wait to see fantasy high tumblr’s response to Kristen and Gertie

Do NOT get tracker. NO.

Oooh so we finally have info on the bylaws

Where did you get wanda childa’s resume???????

He’s really committed to the neck tattoo thing huh.

They’re all so good. They’re just good.

Gorgug!!!!

THEY FINALLY REALIZED!!!!

We’ve been sooooooo intense about it I wasn’t even sure if they had realized lol

Ok! Nephew. Interesting.

Henry helped build Grix. Ok.

Henryyyyyyyyy

God we can’t trust any of the teachers really. That’s so depressing.

God if only you could actually just go let’s end the meeting right there every time you were uncomfortable

The ENTIRE family is going yeah

THEYRE BRINGING ZAYNNNNNNNN

I’m so glad they’re bringing Zayn my best friend in the world Zayn Darkshadow

His art makes me so fucking happy.

Ooh good thinking Siobhan

Telemaine oh boy

Oh god

Gilear time!!!!

(haunted and suspicious)

Awww she called him dad

Sometimes Brennan just says shit

He really had to get rid of the puppy fast

She killed my god- NO- fine. She helped my god die.

That actually makes so much sense. Once things are good after they’ve been bad for ages you don’t know who you are without the bad things

It’s me fig! From the phone!

(all talking at once about Kristen’s kisses)

What

What??

Babe how could we not clown

RIZBERT

We could have been calling you rizbert this entire time

WHAT????

Telemaine leave Riz alone

RUVINA?????? Winter in fallinel for the first time in eons????? Ruvina maybe??

Oh yeah the name of the religion is literally wolfSONG

Fantasy Hamilton

It’s so funny that they’re calling her bee girl bc there’s an npc named bee boy in my current campaign that we all love SO much

Aelwyn. Babe.

Gorgug white knuckling the railing to avoid Telemaine

There is NOT an option for under 18s on any kink dating app

Sandra Lynnnnnnnn I would be so good to you you don’t even know

Okay but wasn’t Gilear cursed way before he put the armor on???? This is what keeps tripping me up. Gilear’s life was like this before.

My only daughter in the world 😭😭😭

Fig. Fig honey. That’s not. That’s.

Fig and Sandra Lynn. They fuck me up so bad.

Sandra Lynn Faeth the woman that you are………….

Zayn is coming to the church! Zayn Darkshadow my best friend in the world!!!

SPY’S TONGUE

Ohhhhhhhh okay

I love that it’s canon that Aelwyn and Zayn are wizard buddies who worked for Kalina together

Using devil’s nectar too much causes you to to believe your own lies. Fabulous.

Divinity is so weird

Name heist?

Winter Break! I believe in you!!

Kristen. Kristennnnnn

Narnia Burning Man 😭

Oh god

Oh god!

She will be risen!

It is SO cold

OUCH

Guys what the hell is going on

Yeah of COURSE she’s deeply bothered. Kristen is doing the same thing to her that she did earlier. They bother each other. They need each other to understand.

This kills me. This kills me so deeply.

Ohhh thank you for thinking about Ruvina

They’re BEST FRIENDS

They’re rolling initiative to decide who goes first in secret sylvan. I’m gonna fucking cry.

ADAINE THATS SO SWEET

Fabian. Fabian this is actually so nice. Please think about this. It will make them not attack you. Adaine wanted to help you with your fear.

Fabian we know you can give good gifts

Murph is running a tight ship on secret sylvan

(attempted tearing noises)

That’s actually really nice

They’re tactical!!!!!!

I love this so much

That’s so nice oh my god Kristen you know Riz so well

They love each other so much

GORGUG HAD FIG IN SECRET SYLVAN. Be still my figgorgug heart.

Brennan stopppppppppp

The intense zoom on Ally doing this.

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Is she like me.

Zaynnnnnnn

Sorry I’m incredibly not normal about Zayn Darkshadow I’m sure you couldn’t tell from how I react when he has .5 seconds of screen time

Girl WHAT

God they’re good

Riz Gukgak!!

IS THIS WHERE CASSANDRA WAS MARRIED

Dig bitch!

Oooooooooooh baby

Adaine I love you

Oh fuck oh god oh fuck

Zayn nooooooooo

Oh god why

KRISTEN

The idea of watching the moon get fuller is really cool

Oh god

MIRRORS?

Somehow I completely forgot baron was in this episode. I was so distracted I forgot what was coming.

Awww Cassandra is protecting her paladin

Oh my god this is insane

Oh no oh no oh no

Don’t break a mirror don’t do that not right now not here

Oh my god?????

They’re married <3

BARON HELPING??!

BARON ART BARON ART BARON ART

Is Zayn okay :(

You can’t ALL go in the briefcase can you???

WARDING BOND 😭😭😭😭 oh my god I can’t handle that

Death bond <3

What the fuckkkkkkkkk

Hello???????

NAT 20 DEX SAVE FROM KRISTEN APPLEBEES

Where the fuck are they.

Ooooh fig’s bedroom art!

How did this happen.

BARON MINI NEXT WEEK

[callsign-bunnie]

Welcome back. I have a question, are you going to continue the 52 Letters to Simon Riley. Or are you just done with that?

The thing is that I really wanted to. I really did.

I know that I have a few fics that I've left unfinished, I do. Trust me, no one feels more frustrated with it than I do. I want to continue all of them and I likely will continue to post chapters for them. I'm working on the next chapter of Slasher Fieldtrip, rn.

After about a half a year, I am just exhausted. I try not to actually talk in depth about my mental health issues super publically, though I've indulged in what was formerly my discord server and I'll open up to individuals. I know I've made memes and sort of touched on it here and there, too.

However, I think it's time. I've said it before but the main three things that are constantly kicking my ass are OCD, BPD, and autism. I have physical health issues, too, like PCOS, POTS, and potential fibromyalgia, though my mother would like to lead me towards lyme disease. I am also having to put together the resources to very immanently get assessed for GERDS and a neurological issue.

I have dyslexia as well.

For the past year, since about February, I think, I have been in a constant cycle of episodes triggered by my BPD or OCD, depressive episodes, then right back to the first. When I would post frequently would be when I was likely psychotic. The worst of this was definitely February to March before I started to take weed regularly, which really helped with my episodes.

I call them psychotic episodes because that's always been how they've been described to me by, admittedly, non-professionals, but I am starting to understand that that's likely not fully what they are. As always, I'm willing to talk about it more, if asked.

I want to sort of fully document this last year. However, if you're not interested in that and you want a short answer: I don't know. I would like to keep writing 52 Letters, I really would. I have plans to return to it, I do plan to finish it, too, but for now, it's very much up in the air.

However, the long explanation is down below.

--

TW: Talks of psychosis, self harm, delusions, suicide, and paranoia

So, about December of 2021, my wife and I made the decision to move to Texas. I don't really regret that, actually I'm not one to regret much, but it very much was a bad idea. We lived in an area that was very high with industrial factories and being around chemicals all the time are just not a great idea. I'm not a crunchy person, I don't believe all chemicals are bad, but my wife and I were physically and mentally super ill the entire year.

During this year, I couldn't go outside if the temp was above 90 F (This was Texas, a reminder.) My wife and I fought constantly, and I was having severe delusions. All the way from seeing ghosts, to being convinced that people were in love with me, to being convinced they were plotting my death. My wife also had very frequent episodes. Her mental health is not mine to talk about, but it was bad. I did have a therapist around this time, but I was too scared to open up about my delusions and so I suffered in silence. I did not tell anyone about my delusions because when I do, I always get the same reaction. I have told people who are in the field of mental health who have openly judged me and told me that it's bad, so I just don't, anymore.

As such, it was a fairly miserable year.

We moved back December of 2022, which is when I would get into COD, obvis. At this point, I had two books that I was actively writing that I literally dropped to start writing fanfiction. I had a lot of fun, I loved it. I would also make a discord server which was fun... at first. I don't really blame anyone else, for the record. A few people and I definitely bumped heads for quite a few reasons and I'm very sorry for that.

However, this discord server kind of took over as a source of my main mental health issues. See, BPD on it's own is shitty. OCD is worse. Together is a fresh new hell. Most of my OCD symptoms feed into or are fed by my BPD, which makes them worse. Triggers for BPD can very quickly spiral me down into episodes of OCD where I am just off the walls.

I have had to very quickly learn that making friends is not something I am adept at or even really able to do right now. However, I will admit that I was partially "manic" (being used as I have no idea what else to call it) all the way from December to February. I'm talking total god complex, I can't die mentality. I was having auditory hallucinations, I wasn't eating so I was sick all of the time (hypoglycemia and POTS), and the only thing fueling me was the positive feedback of fics. I would write things I wasn't happy with just to post them. I wrote two Ghostsoap fics that I just hated because I knew Ghostsoap was popular.

Writing things that I enjoyed just became a chore because I, unfortunately, have fairly niche interests. I understand that and I know that. I tried to spin things into what I enjoyed, too, but it just never seemed to get traction. I wanted to make these big AUs and focus on them and while the actual writing seemed to do just fine, it felt like none of the fun side parts did, which was what I enjoyed most. I love writing, don't get me wrong, I really do. But I also just love... creating. I love talking to people and discussing ideas and getting feedback and giving it. But... no one wanted that, which is fine, I'm not saying that's bad. However, it triggered me. It triggered me really bad.

Through no one else's fault, it felt like I had became the little kid on the playground again, just trying to get people to talk to me and want to be around me. I'm sure a lot of you understand that feeling, it's soul crushing.

Eventually, this and events on the server (again, no one else's fault) sent me into a full-blown spiral until February rolls around and I am not doing well. I'm sleeping and eating less, I'm also having severe financial issues as well. My wife and I are fighting again and the cherry on the cake was my mother not inviting me to her birthday outing. I will be honest, I remember very little from February to May. I remember that I tried getting a job, which didn't pan out for... obvious reasons. I remember that my brother ended up getting kicked out and moved in with me. I remember my birthday was awful. (To anyone who went out of their way to send me a birthday ask/comment/reblog, I thank you so much, you will never truly understand exactly what they meant to me during the worst birthday of my life.)

In May, my wife turned 21 and so she starts to buy weed, which really started to help. Obviously, weed isn't a fix all but it broke the severe episode that I was going through, which really helped. Even now, it's helped a lot. However, it identified an issue;

I was only writing so much because I was severely ill. I know that it likely was noticed but this is when my writing drops from a chapter every day to being lucky to get 3-4 a week. I think I started to drop fics left and right and I also think this is when I really slowed down my ask box. I think I also started to burn the fuck out really bad around this time, as well.

On top of all of this, I was starting to have severe issues with a friend. I will not talk about this because I do not want to make it public, but these issues really sucked. I also started to have issues with my family, again, and with the weed easing my more psychotic side (again, called psychotic by others, not me), I didn't have anything to combat the depression. All I could do, half the time, when I got overwhelmed, was to just lay down and not do anything or get on the game and play COD.

Something else that is relevant is I hate people. But I hate them in the same way someone with rabies hates water. I don't want to hate people, I really don't. It's part of my mental illness, but it makes it so hard to interact with people. I have no patience, ever, my brother and wife can atest to that. My brain is constantly going and so I have about 50 things I'm constantly thinking of and so when others can't keep up, it just frustrates me. I swear to god, I don't want to be like this. I hate myself, I don't want to constantly snap at people and get so frustrated I start crying because of a bad round on COD, but it's what happens. I didn't want to keep hurting people, though, so I started to isolate myself around, I think, August. I think this is also when my posts started to be less and less fun. I made less and less tweets, I wouldn't just chat with people, because I was so scared of being awful.

On top of this all, I started to notice a pattern in my comment section. Now, I will likely talk about my feelings on this in a separate post, but I really think reading comprehension has taken a decline. I'm sympathetic to it, I am, but I believe it whole-heartedly has. I noticed that, in certain fics, Alejandro would be severely demonized in ways that Ghost was exempt from. Soap would have allowances made for things that Roach would be torn apart for. I would explicitly state that none of my characters are EVER reliable because I approach fics from a place of "realism" (meant in the way that the realism art style is meant), where I want to be hyper-realistic with the way they approach things. This meant that they often didn't have all of the facts.

So, to see people jump to ripping Alejandro and Roach to shreds for the smallest things, or ignore what I was attempting to use for Soap's character development and dismiss everything he does wrong made writing unfun. I stopped writing Soap as a main character and switched to Roach, even stopped including Soap at all in most fics. Old Habits Die Hard was actually going to end with Ghost "meeting" Roach, again, and reconciling with Soap through Roach and I just didn't want to. I really just didn't.

I stopped giving Alejandro any trait that wasn't purely being a simp because if I didn't, everything he did was immediately demonized.

I don't know if it was noticed, because I know it's not big enough to be noticed, but I also stopped replying to most comments because I had to just stop reading them. Thank you to everyone who still continued to comment on my fics, I really do love you guys.

Also, I started to get really frustrated with the COD fandom in general. The rampant MLM fetishization (I mean that word with my entire chest), covert sexism, EXPLICIT sexism, among other issues started to get to me. Something that I never would have guessed in a million years would make me feel dread was opening up about my SEXUAL PREFERENCES. I am a bottom. I have never felt shame or nervousness out of sharing this, despite jokes, because it's just a sexual preference. I'm versatile between Dom and Sub pretty split down the middle, but I am mostly a bottom when I can be. The way that bottoms get treated in fandom culture makes me nauseous and COD was no exception. I'm open to trying to have a conversation about the nuances of sexual preference, but for now I'm going to move on. It's such a stupid issue, too, because I shouldn't have to be explaining why making characters bottoms just to oversexualize/feminize them is fucking weird, but here I am.

So, that pushed me further and further into troubles posting. At some point, I get so sick of Tiktok that I delete it, and I fully stop attempting to read fics on AO3. (Unrelated but still relevant.)

I have more and more friend issues, my family issues get even worse, and then we reach September/November (a bit of a twofer.) By this point, I am exhausted. The one thing that had been keeping me going was headcanon asks, and those just stop. All of my requests for them receive nothing (I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE), my non-writing posts just get nothing so I didn't have those for a quick hit of dopamine, and I think this is honestly where I crashed on fandom stuff.

I didn't want to keep writing. I'll admit that. I was done. I started to drop fics even more, I started to post them and then I would delete them, I would send myself asks for things I really wanted to write or had already written and then would just never answer the ask, among other things. On top of all of this, everything just started to feel meaningless. My delusions came back, full force, but without the energy to do anything. Nothing I wrote seemed to matter. My life lost all meaning that I still have not managed to get back.

In my personal life, a family member that I have been very close with since I was a baby revealed themselves to be homophobic. I raised their daughter, she used to call me mom, and now I am not allowed to see her. Baby fever hit me hard, too, and it made me realize that I do want a child, I desperately want a child, but I cannot have one. I'm infertile, for one, and so not mentally capable. So, infertility trauma that I had been forcing myself not to confront slammed directly into me. I became so depressed that I think I considered suicide as an option once a day at a point. I attempted multiple times. My self harm addiction spiralled out of control, too, and I'm slowly getting a handle on it, again. But... I think it's safe to say I became miserable.

I don't even remember December. I don't remember any of it. However, I do know that around that point, a severe brain fog set in. There are few ways to clear it, but it feels like my brain is constantly swimming in a vat of acid. It doesn't hurt but it's hard to see, it's hard to think. My best friend can attribute to this, as he was the first one to point out the difference. If my VODs from Twitch were still available, you can HEAR a difference. Before the brain fog, I had no problem articulating myself. Now, I have to pause every five seconds to regather my thoughts. I have never ever known what brain silence feels like, until now, because my brain is constantly going empty and I just can't fucking think. I am also barely sleeping and eating EVEN LESS than I was before, due to financial struggles. I get overwhelmed and overstimulated so easy.

My bsf also has pointed out to me, multiple times, that I will start a sentence and just lose it halfway through. I have started rants with one topic in mind and end up on a completely different topic because I will crash and reboot halfway through. I will cry for no reason, or struggle to cry when I should. I don't know what has happened, but it's scary as hell. I can't go out in public, alone, anymore, because I will get disoriented and start to wander off, or I just will blank out when people are talking to me. My wife has had conversations with me where I just go dead silent mid sentence and then continue again.

This is the main reason I have not been posting, lately.

So, early in January, I decided to pivot to my books. I want to publish and make writing a career, so I decided this is the year to try. Granted, it's not working out very well. I'd love to keep writing fanfiction and I think I'm going to try to restructure into something smaller and a bit less of a strain on me.

I am working on another fic that I don't plan to post until I'm done with it, which is for Alerudy, that I've been very slowly chipping at. As I said, I'm actively writing the next chapter for Slasher Fieldtrip, and I plan to eventually pop out another set of chapters for Grace and Patience.

But I am so tired. I am so exhausted. Neither of us owe each other anything. You don't owe me attention, you do not owe me patience. I do not owe you writing and I do not owe you effort. But I would like to ask for patience if I can give you effort. I don't want you guys to feel pity for me, I'm not asking for that. I am just asking you guys to keep in mind that I am a person and to believe me when I tell you guys that I am going through hell right now. I've said it before that COD cannot be the safe place for me that it is for others, but I still would like this account to be, at least.

I'm sorry that I can't keep living up to the expectations that I set back in December of 2022. Trust me, I look at everything I was doing and I want to scream and cry because I so badly wish I could go back to that. I'm so sorry for that.

If I go weeks without updating, it's because I don't know what day it is, let alone when I'm supposed to post. If I drop a fic out of nowhere, it's because the strain of writing it was more than I could handle.

52 Letters To Simon Riley is a severe angst piece, its handling grief and issues I wasn't even aware I was hiding from. It's heavy and I was irresponsible for thinking it wasn't, and I'm sorry. I want to keep writing it, I have so many ideas, but I also worry about them. I'd like to pivot a focus onto Ghost and Dean, I want to do more with Gaz, but I worry that's not what people want to read.

I have privated it, in a private collective, for now. I will un-private it when I feel like I can go back to investing in a semi-regular posting schedule for it.

I know this post may come across as whining and I'm sorry for that, too. I don't want any of you to think I'm whining or blaming anyone. There are specific people who have contributed to my issues, but they were not doing it, intentionally, and so I blame no one. I do plan to one day return to therapy but I can hardly afford to eat right now, let alone pay for a therapist.

In the meantime, I want to talk more about my books and I want to show more of my art and just try to be a bit more multi-faceted in what I post. I'm still very much into COD, and I will try to post more silly/fun things that aren't necessarily writing for it. Headcanons, tweets, chats, etc.

Thank you for reading through last year. The experience that I've gained from writing over 1.5 million words has been so invaluable. It has made me feel genuinely qualified to write a book, now.

Thank you.

[noveladhd]

how ADHD affects my social media addiction

Social media is the main enemy of my ADHD. Why? I go on my phone ‘doom scroll ’l till I’m either “motivated” by some random influencer, depressed because I saw a happy couple, or my retail therapy kicks in and I have a want for everything I see. I’ve already removed myself from tik tok but now I use Instagram reels as a different source of doom scrolling. I get fixated on multiple types of videos thinking “ omg I wanna buy that” or “omg I can do that let’s start right now” or “I wish I was that happy with someone” Social media I KNOW is the root of all evil and if I cut it out what am I left with?  my thoughts. My anxiety and ADHD both kick in and get bored so we find the nearest solution which resets back to social media and or whatever I am interested in at the time. It definitely doesn't help I have zero hobbies (but that is a topic for another day) 

Recently I have logged out of Twitter (x) because my ADHD decided to fixate on the concept of making moots and joining fanbases through twt. Unfortunately, my ADHD can not consistently stick to a fandom. I have rotated at least 5 fandoms in the past year because of ADHD. Considering I can't be active in any fandom for more than 3 months, it's been hard to please my ADHD fixation. It has gotten to the point where I was trying WAY too damn hard to gain followers. I was even questioning if anyone liked me… Quoted from the DM's with my friend; “Am I too autistic for this? Is there some twt language I’m missing? Maybe I’m just unlikeable? Idk I know it’s dumb but autism is tweaking that it’s not going right and my ADHD is keeping the fixation rn” After I had an entire spiral, on my break at work mind you, I decided the best course of action was to just take a step back and log off. This is the second app I've had to remove myself from because it completely tanks my mental, ALL BECAUSE my silly ADHD decided to hyper-fixate on the most random shit. I put so much effort into liking, commenting, retweeting, etc etc, and to see no results makes it extremely difficult to not be upset. I have no idea why my brain was like “omg it be so cool to make friends through twt” and its been fixated on that for nearly…a month but the past week it has exploded into something more mentally taxing. 

ALSO, in order for myself to get off of doom scrolling on Instagram or youtube I attempted to watch a show on HBO but of fucking course my ADHD was very uninterested in the hour-long episodes I INSTICTIVELY opened Insta and started scrolling…

Social media makes me overthink and get extremely obsessive. It is something I have to work on. Maybe joining another social media platform was not the best idea but I believe this is a better decision. If you relate tell me about it cause I sometimes feel slightly insane for how I act on my ADHD fixations…

[koizan]

Was Tagged in this post by @azonine and my edible hit a while ago. let's go for it everybody thank you beloved

Last Song: my sister and i were listening to our spotify blend earlier and i think it's updating itself bc i could've sworn the last thing i remember was something like passion by nicki minaj with a pink album cover but i can't find this song so i think i made it up. likely what i actually hear was Bomb Intro / Pass That Dutch by Missy Elliot. it's my sister's contribution but i vibe with it. apparently we're an 83% match which is interesting. she also keeps making fun of me for saying ethoslab is attractive but i'm literally right. sorry you wouldn't understand

Favorite Color: BRIGHT red slightly pink. i never used to say i have a favorite color and i lost my shoe. i've found it. anyway i gravitate towards red, especially that shade. i also love just black of course but that is a safe color that goes with anything. but red. that's bold. also many flowers are red. flowers are gorgeous. every single one. godbless they make the world cooler

Last Movie/TV: The Wilds. one of those cancelled lesbian shows. unfortunate. it's not as good as Yellowjackets though. i think they spend too much time on everyone's backstories but they're honestly not that complex like half of season 1 is leah having a breakdown over that guy and they want to be like leah is an obsessive person but they only show the one thing like. her other obsessions are so much more interesting i don't care about mr pedophile writer guy i literally do not care. let her go insane she deserves it for being bisexual. the last movie is possibly blue beetle which was alright for an airplane movie, wish i could pause it though. why tf is it a channel? who put live channels on planes? who did that? you deserve SUFFERING. also, while i was writing this i realized i actually later watched the new percy jackson episode with my sister so that actually but i don't remember anything from the books and unfortunately the show is clearly directed towards the same age range as the original series and it's like. good for what it is but selfishly i wish it was cooler for me specifically. rick riordan is cool though

Sweet/Spicy/Savory?: sweet or savory depends on my mood really. but savory maybe? although i am searching it up and now i am confused about the definition. i love the savory crepes (the philly) from crepevine it's possibly my favorite meal ever. would love to eat crepevine every day all day ever

Relationship Status: newly single. please hmu if you like taking care of pathetic people or alternatively have a lot of money

Last Thing I Googled: "vegetable list" to answer the llff qotd which i keep saying in my head as "quote of the day". before that. soojin g-idle. queen. you would've killed it in queencard i know it. also as you can see above i am in fact single

Current Obsession: i think my depression is currently bad enough to prevent me from a single obsession currently. i searched the wilds on tumblr a couple times but it's like 90% people complaining about canceled wlw shows bc tumblr search is unusable. i wouldn't call it anything close to an obsession though, it just happens to be what i'm currently binging. most recently though - poppy seed pets. also rewatched a couple community episodes. such a good show my god. wish alison brie was asian. also i have been thinking about tattoos a lot. specifically my new one which was my first. got with friends. very cute (: further i am going to be so abnormal about the boys s4. i don't have a kin list but i'm starting one rn putting jordan li at the top. minecraft character bdoubleo100 second. king from the owl house third. not for size reason we just both get disrespected. taking recommendations for additions that aren't a random small animal you saw on instagram - please keep in mind that i am 7'4" in real life and extremely intimidating. i am also considering adding nora from the wilds (autistic) and abed community (autistic) and todd sanchez bojack horseman (aspec but actually we're not that similar. i think i am just thinking about him. what a lad.) and perhaps. asian lesbian from scream queens because i too think chanel no. 3 is hot. actually every character from community except pierce is relateable. also generally any character that is "bad" representation of a minority group and knows it but i haven't seen much of that kind of character. they should make more of them for the bitches like me who are simultaneously whitewashed and a stereotype

[the-maidofmischief]

hi giada, i must ask. how depressive is the vibe of yellowjackets? i wanna give it a try today but i am in a good mood rn and worry about ruining it lmao 😂😂

Oh God, I think its very subjective! It depends on what you personally find depressing or gross.

For example, i was told it was very gory, but it didn't feel like it to me, (at least on the first season lmao) but its definitely dark and it handles very heavy themes, psychologically speaking. Also, whats not too gory for me it might be for you, just so you know.

I think you should try the first two episodes because they set the tone of the show very well! If you find them to be interesting enough for you to get invested into the story, then I think you'll be fine with the rest of the show ^^