#i am back from my brief hiatus! and i bring gifts!

[thedeadthree]

KENDALL LAWTON; a study told through his social media

featuring raylene who is @griffin-wood’s oc! a little edit for an au that i adore so much! ty for letting me borrow her! 🖤

x . x . x . playlist . raylene’s version

[colourfullsims]

An Overdue Update

Hey there! Long time no see.

It’s been quite a while since my last update (and several times that I’ve said I would update that fell through lol), but I think it’s finally the perfect time to tell you all what’s been going on behind the scenes. I’ve kept most of you all in the dark with no explanation for my hiatus for months now, but with the end of the year upon us, I want things out in the open before moving into 2021. I will warn you now, that this will be a long post, because there’s a lot of backstory I have to lay out to explain everything. There will also be some brief mentions of emotional manipulation and emotional abuse in the beginning of this post, which I will be content tagging for safety, so please skip over the first question if you would like to avoid this subject.

Now without further ado, I will be answering some frequently asked questions, starting with:

Q: Where did you go?

The short answer to this is that I took a very long, unwanted break from the community, but that answer doesn’t really suffice in explaining why. Typically, I like to keep things lighthearted and chill on this blog, because much of the reason why I play the Sims and do storytelling is for escapism. Things that happened this year took that away from me.

This spring, I broke up with my long term boyfriend of five years. With that separation came a lot of heartache, guilt, and stress for a variety of reasons. We’d been together since my days in undergrad and had shared so many intimate experiences together: graduations, moving out of state into our first “grown up” apartment, birthday trips to our favorite cities. We had inside jokes that I still find myself wanting to make with him, because after so much of our lives intertwined together, he’d essentially become my best friend. But things ended between us for good reason.

Despite the good that came out of that relationship, there was a fair amount of emotional manipulation/abuse that went on, early as the first few months of us being official. Sometimes it was subtle things: when we first started dating, I was in my final year of undergrad and doing all I could to bring up my gpa and buff up my resume, so that I could increase my chances of getting into my grad school of choice. Frequently, he would comment on my academic successes as if they would be the thing that would break us up. I remember presenting a paper on a panel, facing my fear of public speaking head on, and I was so proud of the work I’d put into it all, and then hours later coming back to my student apartment to tell him how it went, and the first words out of his mouth were, “Someday you’re gonna get too smart and leave me behind.” And that wouldn’t be the last time he said some iteration of that phrase to me, and every time it would feel like he was praying I would slow down so he wouldn’t feel I was outgrowing him. Even when I finally did get accepted to my dream school, my first thought after my excitement was that when I told him the news, he wouldn’t be happy for me. My decisions for my future became personal slights to him: I had to move from the midwest out to NYC to attend grad school, and even though I discouraged him from following me if he didn’t want to live in the city (which he 100% did not), he followed me anyway and hung that decision over my head like a giant reminder of some debt that I owed him. I regret not following my gut then and my failure to recognize the red flags, because I would go on to spend 3 more years after our move losing myself as he clutched onto me, in what I can only assume with the hope that if he held on tight enough, that I wouldn’t leave him behind. 

When I look at the more overt signs of my ex’s possessiveness, I realize I should have shared what was going on more with the people close to me: in the early stages on our relationship, he’d already done destructive things like slashing the tires of a guy I had been seeing earlier that same year, and punching a hole into the wall of my student apartment. He’d gone through all my messages on social media, my texts, my emails, all to find out about old crushes that he suspected I might still be in contact with. He even went as far as reading through my private journal, which I previously wrote in daily, but now I struggle to write in more than a few times a year, for fear of my privacy being invaded again. In the wake of realizing our relationship was failing, instead of ending things, I put my energy into hoping that he would do better, and I hid what was happening from my family and friends, to the point that I avoided their messages and phone calls. I isolated myself in increasing measures as time went on until I was too timid to do most things outside of my apartment without my ex-boyfriend by my side. The reason I stayed so long is because of these combined things: the sense of owing him my time after uprooting his life, the fact that I was both physically and mentally separated from my support systems, the feeling of familiarity that had grown from shared experiences and time, and largely, this overwhelming self imposed desire to not appear as though I had failed my relationship.

Largely, 2020 has been an absolute trash fire, but I can thank this year for one thing; putting me into a situation of such unrest that I could no longer ignore that I was not living the life I wanted or deserved.

After our breakup, I moved back to my parents’ place and stayed there while the remainder of my lease in New York ran out. When I originally left, I only brought back a small suitcase and backpack filled with essentials and valuable items that I couldn’t leave behind in my apartment, so I had to return again to retrieve my things, which, as you can imagine, was not fun. Not only was traveling during covid a nightmare, my ex was threatening to throw all my stuff out of our apartment, so I had to scramble to get a flight, a hotel, moving equipment, and a moving service arranged on the fly so I could retrieve everything (and when I got there, he had smashed one of my laptops). In summation, from our break up to finally moving out completely, this all happened over the span of mid-spring to the 1st of August.

Since then, I’ve been keeping myself sparse on the internet, partially because I needed the time to recover from the entire experience, and partially because frankly, I’ve been afraid of my ex monitoring any of my accounts to keep tabs on me. He was fully aware of this blog, and since in recent years it's been the only account I’ve kept up with, I was afraid of him trying to find out where I am and what I’ve been doing through here. I’ve only felt comfortable reblogging others content for the past few months.

So that’s where I’ve been. Which brings us to the next question:

Q: What happened to Love Island?

Over the past few months, I’ve received several asks and messages about whether or not I still planned on doing the Love Island challenge, as well as words of concern about my well being. I want to start by acknowledging all those messages by first apologizing to anyone I didn’t get back to: the majority of you got the sense that I was overwhelmed or burnt out, as most of us have been this year, and I really thank you for still having any interest in seeing me do any type of content after I essentially ghosted you all lol. I really appreciate all the well wishes too.

But I also received this:

Which, 1) I don’t know if this was either impeccable timing or horrible timing on your part, considering I planned on writing this update before this landed in my inbox.

And 2),

I don’t know if you were a reader or one of the participants selected for the challenge, but I’m sorry you’re disappointed about me not following through with the challenge. I was really excited to do it when I made the casting call, was ecstatic about the number of creators who submitted complex and diverse sims, and I had even completed the villa and started working on shooting the premiere. But as you can see from everything above, life happened. I wish this year had been more stable so that I could have done the challenge with no problem. 

But I’m not going to apologize for making the choices I needed to to preserve my mental health and safety.

That being said, it’s been so many months since I originally pitched the challenge; many of the creators who were selected are now inactive or have deactivated. And honestly, I didn’t know whether you all would even want the challenge at the point, I mean…? It’s winter time now, and Love Island was definitely more of a summer themed challenge lol.

As it stands, I don’t know if I will be picking up where I left off with the Love Island challenge. I certainly still have some interest in doing it; I built a whole set and had an entire schedule of challenges and dates planned for the project. But I don’t know if I can move forward with the original cast, or if I would have to do a new casting call to fill the spaces of inactive creators. So...I guess I would need feedback from you all. Would you want Love Island still?

Q: What are you planning to do now?

Right now, I’m doing whatever makes me happy. I’m in a much better place than I was about 6 months ago, and I don’t feel the same anxiety about posting as I did. For now, I might just post some casual gameplay until I know whether or not I’m moving forward with Love Island. I’m just happy to come back to do what I love.

So there you have it. 2020 kicked my ass in some really heart wrenching ways, and I needed some time to not worry about keeping up with content creation and just worry about taking care of me. Now that I’m a little more stable, I want to come back, even if it’s just simple stuff for now. To those of you who have stuck around waiting to see if I’d ever pick my projects back up, thank you so much, and I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting this long lol. For the time being, all I have to offer is a very long overdue Follower’s Gift: I will be hosting a giveaway for my followers this week, where I will be giving away $40 worth of sims content each to 3 followers. I’ll have more details about the giveaway tomorrow when the official post goes live.

If you made it this far thank you for reading this long mess, and I’ll see you all soon!

~Cam

[ember-arrow]

Yeet 2019 into the sun

2019 for me was full of some major highs and lows. It was both a good year, and also the worst year. I disappeared for a little bit there and eventually decided that I do want to tell you what happened. Probably more so for my sake as I haven’t really written about it. I’ll keep it brief and under a cut for some of the subject matter. It’s not all bad under there, I promise.  CW: pregnancy loss.

In 2019, I was blessed with incredible opportunities, both personal and professional. I fell even more in love with FFXIV and its community. I’m really happy with what I accomplished artistically as well this year, and I knocked out a few writing goals that I never thought I’d meet. I rediscovered my love for RP in earnest thanks to the lot of you (and you in particular - if you’re reading this, then you know who you are. You rekindled a fire in me that I haven’t been able to light in ages.)

I even saw a piece of my own FFXIV fanart in a Community Commendation, and that was just ridiculously exciting to me.

I was reminded over and over again just how fortunate I am to have such talented and loving friends both near and far. Their acts of kindness and generosity never failed to move me, and I just hope I can be a worthy friend in return.

Some of you are aware of this, but for those that don’t know, my unexpected hiatus from the game and tumblr was due to the loss of my first pregnancy earlier this fall. After an agonizing waiting period, I was diagnosed with what’s sometimes referred to as a silent miscarriage. I won’t go into any more detail here, but if you have questions about this, feel free to DM me; I’m really ok with talking about this and I find it somewhat cathartic. 

I became acutely aware of how little we as a society talk about pregnancy loss, and my single source of reference for it outside of my own very light research came from TV and film. They sure do gloss over a lot.

The whole experience fucked me up physically and emotionally. Everything happened really, really fast. Sometimes I have to look back at the receipts to assure myself this actually happened, that I was ever pregnant at all. I was a zombie for a little bit and had zero interest in much of anything beyond eating, sleeping, and the Great British Baking Show. I’d occasionally look at tumblr, just to get away from myself. I’ve given up trying to catch up on all the missed posts and tags from that period, and I’m sorry for any of your notes that I missed.

But thank you. For your heartwarming posts that weren’t for me, but made me happy anyway. Your fan-fucking-tastic gift sets. The fantastical creations you so lovingly crafted for the rest of us to marvel. Your dumb memes made me snort like a moron and I felt like each time I laughed, I took another step out of that dark place I never thought I’d ever escape.

I’m ok now. Like, really, really ok. I think I’m as close to normal as I’m going to get. I’m excited about my hobbies again. I’m excited for the year ahead. I’m ready to try again.

I'm really hopeful for the future, and sometimes hope is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning, but it’s enough.

So much good happen this year and I hate how sometimes everything feels like it’s been completely overshadowed by this dark period, short though it was. I know there was more, and I know that I am more than my loss. But fuck if that wasn’t one of the loneliest, most difficult periods of my life.

I’m really damn proud of myself for what I achieved and what I survived this year. And I’m not done by a long shot.

I love you all. Thanks for bringing joy to my dash in my time of need. 

[kumkaniudaku]

Control

A/N: Third time trying to post this. Anyway, thanks to @texasbama and @soldierandawar for the idea. This has elements of overstimulation for @mixedmelanin and (hopefully) hot smut for @httpjex ‘s birthday. Enjoy.

Warnings: SMUT (18 + content only)

Mouth hung open and eyes wide, you stood in front of the large mirror of your suite’s master bathroom applying the finishing touches for the night’s makeup look. The beautiful view of Central Park provided natural lighting for your dressing routine, but if you asked Chadwick, it couldn’t hold a candle to the woman he was looking at.

Your yellow, silk robe hung from your golden shoulders, almost giving your husband a peek at your bare chest. With his body angled against the bathroom door, he watched you with a smile as you prepared for your first invite to Rihanna’s annual Diamond Ball.

“You look beautiful, T,” he complimented, pushing his body off the door frame to stand behind you. “Finest mother of two I’ve ever seen.”

“Haven’t you seen Beyonce? Don’t be disrespectful,” you laughed. He joined you while using his nose to direct your head upward. Satisfied with the position, he placed lingering kisses along your jawline.

“It could be a thousand Beyonce’s in the room, and I’m still leaving with you.”

“What about a thousand Rihanna’s?”

“Now you’re pushing it!”

You playfully pushed him away to continue the rest of your routine. Turning to him, you held two lipstick components in front of your mouth for him to judge. “Gloss or matte?”

“Whichever one won’t come off when I’m kissing you.”

“Who says I want to kiss you,” you questioned while lining your lips with a chestnut lip liner. Chadwick didn’t speak, instead choosing to smirk at you. Looking at him through the mirror, you mentally began to retract your statement. His shoulders and chest glistened in the setting sun, matching the diamond-like gleam in his fresh haircut and facial hair. His trousers hung low and unzipped on his waist to reveal the briefs underneath, and it took all of your willpower to redirect your thoughts and focus on getting dressed. It didn’t matter what man walked into the event space tonight; you knew yours was the shit. 

“Okay, so I lied. Sue me.”

Chadwick followed you into the bedroom, laughing and joking about the comment Micah made about ‘babysitting’ Noah while at her auntie’s house in Harlem. During the conversation, you turned your back to slide out of your robe and start the process of putting on the evening’s attire. As you stood in only a nude thong, your husband’s mind wandered to the surprises he had for you. If all went well, his plan would lead to the intimacy he craved since Noah’s arrival. He agreed to give you space to heal and recalibrate but, the gentle kisses and naughty touches made him want to return to space between your legs.

“Aaron, can you help me with this,” you asked, motioning toward the zipper on the back of your dress.

He shot up from his relaxed position on the bed, eager to run his fingers down the smooth skin of your back. Holding the front of your dress kept your breast covered while he wiggled the zipper up and clasped the hook at the top. In a moment of truth, you let out the breath you were holding to test the limits of the satin material. You chose the metallic rose pink silk double satin gown from Ralph and Russo’s Fall 15/16 line for two reasons: the corset to hold in the post-baby tummy and the thigh-high slit in the front to get your man’s attention.

Slowly leaking the pent-up breath in your lungs, you dropped your shoulders in relief when you found that there was ample room to function in the dress. Chadwick stared at you with an unreadable expression.

“What,” you panicked. “Is it ugly? Does it look too small? I knew my body wasn’t ready yet. Fuck!”

His few seconds of silence fueled an anxiety charged rant on the current shape of your body. After Micah was born, it only took four months to get back in pre-baby shape. You were lean again, boasting a set of defined abs and the perky ass that drew Chadwick’s hands in like a magnet. Now, with Noah approaching the four-month milestone, your body clung to the extra weight. Your stomach still carried a little pudge and your back had enough rolls to feed a dinner table. Despite your husband’s best efforts to remind you of your beauty, the tiny voice of self-deprecation occasionally reared its ugly head.

Chadwick’s large hands gripped your waist to stop your nervous pacing and steady you in front of him. “What did I tell you?”

“That I am gorgeous inside and out,” you mumbled, your eye roll mirroring Micah’s signature expression and making him smile.

“Exactly. So, stop this shit. I don’t care about your stomach or the extra jiggle in your back and thighs. You had my son, my namesake,” he swiped his finger against your bottom lip before adding a kiss. “Plus, I’m trying to use that pudge for grip when I’m diggin’ you from the back. This dress is gonna get you in trouble.”

“Stop it!” You bashfully hit his chest, turning your face away to hide your smile. His slender fingers cupped your face to bring your eyes to meet his.

“I got some something for you.” The low tone of his voice indicated that whatever was waiting for you not an innocent gift.

You nodded your approval and waiting for him to return from the dresser drawers nearby. In his hands, he held two large ivory boxes tied in gold bows. You squealed in excitement as he removed the bows and began to open the first box.

“Since this is the Diamond Ball, I couldn’t let my lady show up without diamonds.” The Cartier d’Amour earrings and matching d’Amour necklace danced in the sunlight to match the twinkle in his eye.

Your mouth hung open in shock and concern, “Baby, I know these were expensive. You didn’t have to do this.”

“Let me worry about expenses. You focus on holding your hair up so I can put this necklace on.”

Following his directions, you lifted your natural blowout and twist to give him space to clasp the jewelry around your neck before kissing the chain for good measure. He watched you put on your earring with a smile, loving the way you examined yourself in the mirror.

“These are incredible, Aaron. Thank you so much.”

“It’s no problem,” he answered, waving you off. “Anything for you.”

A long kiss and utterances of ‘I love you’ passed between your lips in appreciation for his unexpected gift. “There’s still one more box. What’s in that one?”

“How about you open it,” he whispered against your ear, pulling the lobe between his teeth.

You hissed at the sensation as you bit your lip to keep your composure. A trembling hand reached to grab the last box while still wrapped in Chadwick’s arms. When the lid slid off the box, you turned your head in confusion. A matte pink bullet vibrator sat nestled between grey foam beside a rose gold remote. You could sense Chadwick’s cheeky grin before you turned around, flicking on the light bulb in your head.

“You want to use this when we get back tonight,” you flirted. “I think I’m ready to have you back inside.”

He let out a shaky breath as your tongue swiped against a spot on his clavicle, “We’re using this tonight. As in while we’re in public.”

“What? How?”

“Well...you’ll insert this bad boy,” he explained, handing you the bullet vibrator. “And I’ll take control with this little guy.”

You were mortified but intrigued. “You’re telling me you have control of this thing all night while it’s inside of me?”

“Unless you don’t want to. But, if you’re the same woman that begged to suck my dick in Whole Food’s parking lot just because, I think you’ll like it.”

“Let’s do it,” you answered, almost too eagerly. The thought of him having control of your orgasm made your knees weak. You never considered the fact that you were dealing with a notorious prankster. All you saw was this experiment turning into you grabbing his hand and saying goodbye to your friends to end the night early.

He chuckled at your reaction before turning your body and motioning for you to get on all fours on the bed. His hand searched the front of your body for your split, pulling the excess fabric up to bunch around your waist. “Hold that for me, baby.”

You did so with no hesitation as he removed the bullet from your hand. Using the tip, he slid it slowly down the damp spot on your panties, smiling at the way you squirmed in anticipation.

“Do you trust me, baby?”

“Yes,” you moaned.

“Can I get you ready for tonight?”

“Please!”

He nodded behind you before he hooked two fingers around your panties and pulled them down. The wetness from your core clung to the material, providing a mouth-watering show for your husband. His palm pressed against your back firmly to deepen your arch and expose your sweetest parts in their rawest form. He cursed to himself as he watched your pussy open up like a flower, the sight causing his erection to strain against his briefs. As much as he wanted to re-introduce himself to your body, he reminded himself that tonight was about you.

Chadwick’s knees dropped to the floor so that he could get eye to eye with your prize. He tongue tested and tasted the waters as he licked broad paths against your slit. The wet slurping and sucking turned you on more than words could describe. Being careful not to bury your face in the white pillows and smear your makeup, you bit down on the top of one to contain your embarrassing screams.

He grunted a long ‘mmm’ into your pussy while his nose brushed against your clit. Your grinding and wiggling against his face let him know that he hadn’t lost his skill during the brief hiatus and convinced him to do more. The tip of his tongue spelled his first, middle and last name around your clit in invisible to ink to mark his territory. You shivered involuntarily as he rounded off the ‘o’ in Aaron, realizing that he still had eight letters to go. Your vision was blurring and his moans of approval began to muffle in your ear to form a euphoric ringing in the background.

“I missed this,” he spoke against your inner thigh. “You’re still as sweet as I remember, Sunshine.” He sucked at your sensitive bundle to create a soft vacuum of undeniable pleasure. Letting go with a smack, he kissed the spot. “You missed Daddy’s mouth?”

“Oh, God, yes.”

He chuckled, “I can tell. You’re so wet for me.” Changing the pace, he easily slid the vibrator inside and turned on the lowest setting to prepare you.

You hips rolled at the sensation, enjoying the vibration inside and the light tapping against your clit. You called out his name, earning another level of pleasure from the remote. The more intense vibrating and his warm tongue kissing circles on your ass cheek made you let out a foreign squeak.

After showing each cheek equal attention, he spread you open, going back to his assault on your clit. His head shook and nodded as he alternated between licking and sucking to get you off the way that he knew was your favorite. His tongue changed shape to target different areas until you were gripping the sheets and pushing back against his face.

“Fuck, Aaron! I’m g-g-g...ooohmy...shit!” Your hands reached for the headboard to steady yourself through your release. Chadwick placed pressure against your ass to add to the orgasm as he used the other hand to rub your back.

“There you go, baby. You’re being so good for me. Thank you,” he praised. The strength of his arm snaking around your waist was the only thing keeping your body from thudding against the mattress and ruining your hair and makeup.

He helped you to the edge of your bed to clean you off and slip into your underwear adding a cute kiss on the nose. His smile was devious whenever he glanced at you as he finished getting dressed. He had a few tricks up his sleeve and intended to use every one of them until you were begging to cum.

By the time you got off the red carpet and into the venue, you had all but forgotten about the device cradled in your love. Chadwick pulled out your chair for before sitting beside you and resting a hand on your knee. Positioned across from Jamie Foxx, Dave Chappelle, and Trevor Noah, you settled into the conversation to pass the time.

“You, my man, have a new baby,” Trevor started, “How’s the second go at fatherhood?”

“Man, it’s great. I forgot how much fun it is to watch a new human learn life.”

“That is until it’s time to get up and change a diaper and then he’s not so happy,” you laughed, gripping his thigh.

Chadwick’s boisterous laugh took the attention away from the fumbling he was doing in his pocket.

“I take it Chadwick isn’t fond of the 3 AM wake up calls.”

“My husband isn’t fond of-ooh,” Your legs clinched at the first tingle of the vibrator moving inside of you. Your grip on Chadwick’s thigh tightened as you looked to him for confirmation.

“Are you okay? Did I step on your foot,” Trevor asked, preparing to peep under the table to examine.

“NO,” you shouted to stop him. “I mean, y-yeah. I’m fine. What was I saying?”

“You were telling him about me not liking to get up in the middle of the night.” Chadwick kissed your temple in feigned innocence while rubbing the vice grip you had on his knee.

“Yeah, he doesn’t-he-he doesn’t always like to get up b-but, he does.” You squirmed around in your seat trying to ignore the building tension in your core. Thankfully, Trevor accepted your answer with a laugh and turned his attention to the other guests at the table. “Chadwick, stop!”

“Stop what,” he questioned with a smug grin. “You don’t wanna finish?”

You pulled your lip into your mouth as your walls clenched around the device. “Please.”

“Nope,” before you could counter, the vibration stopped. “Too bad.”

“Aaron!”

“Nuh uh. Go talk to your girls. I’ll be...around.”

You looked around at the few familiar faces in the room before looking back at your husband. “Are you going to keep doing that?”

“I might.”  His eyebrows quirked as his lips curved into a dark smile. His hand traveled down the small of your back to tap twice and signal you to stand and walk away. With a deep breath, you willed your legs to cooperate and start you on a quest to converse with whoever would get you away from your maniac of a husband.

Chadwick watched you like a hawk the whole night to wait for his opportunities to strike. When you were in conversation with Beyonce and LaLa Anthony, he switched the vibrator to its lowest setting and observed as you put on a pained smile to keep your dirty secret.

A battle of compliments with Janelle Monae suddenly fell quiet on your end when the device started up again. Determined to keep your composure, you gripped the back of a chair with white knuckles for the duration of the interaction.

No one seemed to notice when Chadwick would pull you to his side while he talked with his friends, partially to keep you upright when the second setting of the bullet kicked in. You held on to his tux jacket, resting the side of your head on his shoulder to paint the picture of a doting wife. In actuality, you were fighting to keep tears from running down your cheeks and streaking your foundation.

The time intervals and situations would vary, but the one thing that remained the same was that he never let you cum. Your pussy would throb in waiting for your release and, as soon as the tell-tale sign of your orgasm would show, Chadwick would switch off the vibrator and leave you on edge in a puddle of your juices. Each time the bullet would rev up, your insides stepped closer to explosion and Chadwick’s fantasies unfolded in front of him.

Thirty minutes had passed since your husband’s last “show” and you were thankful to have food in front of you just in case you needed to stifle a moan. You almost let the cat out of the bag during the last go-round, prompting Chadwick to place a slender finger against his lips to warn you to quiet down.

“I know the food is good but, damn, y’all need to get up and dance,” Rihanna exclaimed into the microphone to draw a laugh from the guests. “They told me that I have to play at least one slow song before this shit is over with so, we gon’ get it out the way right now. Maestro, play my shit!”

The strings of the orchestra strummed a beautiful classical rendition of ‘Kiss it Better’ to create a moving version of one of your favorite songs. Rihanna stood in front of them with her back turned to the attendees, elegantly directing the intro to the song.

“My Queen, will you dance with me,” Chadwick asked in his Wakadan accent to raise the hair on the back of your neck.

“Don’t do this, baby. Put the accent away.”

He chuckled and held out his hand for you to latch onto, “C’mon, Co. This is your song.”

You rolled your eyes at him. He was right, and you hated pretending not to want to jump up and sway your hips to the infectious rhythm. You scowled at his crooked grin as both of you watched couple after couple pair up on the dance floor. Even people who didn’t show up together wasted no time pulling each other to the front and moving in sync with the music.

“You know you wanna dance, Mama. Take my hand.”

You huffed and slammed your palm into his, “I hate you.”

“I know.” 

Hand in hand, he led you to the center of the commotion. Your body melted into his when he kissed your forehead and placed your hands around his neck. “There are cameras to your right and a crowd of people your left.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because,” his head dipped to whisper in your ear and distract you from the movement in his pocket. “When I make you cum in front of all these people, you’ll need to hide your face. You don’t want your mouth all open on the blogs do you?”

“No! Not here, Aaron,” you hissed.

“Too late! Just focus on me, baby. I got you.”

Your knees nearly gave out when he introduced you to the third setting of the vibrator. Your already sensitive clit was engulfed in numbing pleasure as your orgasm worked double time to catch up. You clawed at his back and looked around the room to make sure that no one could see the torture he was putting you through.

“Oh my, God. Aaron,”

“Shhhh, don’t get too loud. Look at me.” You struggled to look up at him as your body twitched in response to the stimulus. Your release was close and you didn’t know if you could suppress your urge to speak in tongues in front of hundreds of people. “You gettin’ close huh, girl?”

“Mhmm.”

“Use your words. Tell me you’re about to let go.” He scolded, pressing his palms flat on your has to push your hips into his.

“Yesss,” you whispered. “I’m about to-” a low moan muffled by the music escaped your lips.

Knowing you were ready to let go excited Chadwick and he lowered his lips onto yours. The music heightened your orgasm, swirling around your already clouded brain in a high that couldn’t be achieved through the use of narcotics.

He did a superb job of acting like a loving husband, keeping the kiss sweet to swallow your moans. Your nails dug into his shoulders in desperation when your orgasm began to stretch longer than you were used to. Chadwick kept the vibrator going to milk you for all you had and then some. Feeling your body weight begin to sag against him, he turned off the device and pulled away from the kiss to look at you.

“You okay? I almost lost you.”

“Shut your black ass mouth,” you croaked, mouth too dry to continue. He watched you look down to examine your attire and ensure that no evidence of your activities could be seen on or around your dress.

“Everything is fine. No one knows.” You looked around to confirm his statement. “I promise. They’re all so wrapped up in their dances that they didn’t even look over here.”

“Chadwick I sw-”

His lips pressed into yours in a firm and dominant kiss. You struggled to catch your breath when he pulled away. “You gon’ let me run this or keep talking over me?” His grip on your waist, the way his fingers pressed into the soft flesh of your sides and his stare between your eyes, lips, and breasts nearly spilling over your corset made you whimper in response. “We’re gonna dance to a few more songs, talk to a couple people, and then, I’m taking you back to the hotel to finish what we started. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Good,” he smiled, running his hands up and down your back. “Now, get out of here. I’ll see you in about an hour.”

His hand stealthily collided with your backside before he physically turned you around and pushed you away to mingle. You looked over your shoulder to confirm his instructions, receiving a nod of confirmation.

The hour dragged on, forcing you to look at the time every ten minutes. Chadwick moved through the room with no problems without giving you a second glance. The whiskey in his glass turned into one, two and, then, five cups, dialing his charm up from a five to a ten. You were seething and nearing your tipping point when a quick jolt of energy between your legs nearly made you jump from your seat.

Craning your neck, you found him standing near the exit. With a smile, Chadwick dangled the room key in the air and motioned for you to meet him outside.

“So, I told her, the Devil Wears Prada and guess where this fur came from, bitch.”

You mentally rolled your eyes while standing to excuse yourself from the boring pow-wow.

“Tasha, leaving so soon,” the designer questioned.

“Uh, yes. It was so nice to meet you ladies, but my husband is ready to go...pick up our kids. You know the little ones get fussy at night,” you lied.

“Of course! Give my regards to the Mister. I’d love to work with you all for your next appearance.”

“Got it! Will do. Bye!” Your Valentino heels click-clacked against the marble floor of the venue lobby until you were greeted by the warm air of New York’s late summer night. Thrashing your head from side to side, you frantically searched for the black SUV responsible for carrying you closer to the session you had planned back at the Mandarin.

“Damn, girl, you got a man?” you heard nearby. Looking in the direction of the voice, you found Chadwick leaning against the door of the UberBLACK vehicle.

You nearly galloped to his position, throwing your body into his arms and pulling his bottom lip into your mouth. He moaned at the affection before cutting it short. No words were exchanged as he opened the door and nodded for you to get in.

Like a kid opening gifts on Christmas morning, you squealed and allowed him to help you inside. Looking back, you wiggled your ass a little to get his attention. He groaned in response and pushed your ass into the seat, urging the driver to take the quickest route to the hotel.

Throwing all of the edging and torture he put you through before this moment out of the window, you mentally prepared yourself for a long night. A quick call to the front desk for a set of replacement sheets set your plan in motion. Chadwick didn’t know it but, you were about to show him how dominant you could be when given a chance.

TAG: @njadont @k-michaelis @wakandanmoonchild @idilly @texasbama@afraiddreamingandloving @inxan-ity @daytimeheroicsonly @onyour-right@brianabreeze @sisterwifeudaku @ironsquad @killmongerdispussy@90sinspiredgirl  @willowtree77785901 @maynardqueen101 @heyauntieeee@halfrican-heat @purple-apricots @lalapalooza718 @blue-ishx @profilia@ljstraightnochaser @girl-wtf-lmao @dramaqueenamby @royallyprincesslilly@melaninmarvel @thiccdaddy-mbaku @lavitabella87 @purplehairgawdess@unholyxcumbucket @airis-paris14 @uhlxis @oshasimone @maliadestiny @drsunshine97 @cozyshack2 @zxddy-panther @queentearra @skysynclair19 @retro-melanin @mermaidchansons @misspooh @melanisticroyalty @babygirlofwakanda @wakanda-4evr @sarahboseman @karensraisns @blackmissmarvel @wakandankings @kaykay4454fan @ororowrites @awkwardlyabstract @mixedmelanin @brownsugarcocoabutterwildflowers @sunflowerpsalms @panthergoddessbast @justanotherloveaffair @jaeee-http @iliketowrite1996 @blackpantherismyish @thompettiedatheaux @msincognito67 @reignsxjackson @yaachtynoboat711 @syreanne @ilcb7

[seenashwrite]

Changes for Nash

I'm going to be pulling back the time I spend on here in various ways, and if you'd like to know in what ways you can find the basic scoop below the cut.

To new followers - I hate that you've arrived just in time to see this, but I must hit “pause” and look after myself. Story-wise (and otherwise!) there's quite a bit of original content to peruse, so I hope this will satisfy you for the time being.

To all of the Nashooligans  - please understand this does not mean I won't still post things and queue things. I've got a ton of stuff in drafts (thank you notes, replies, feedback, etc.) that will get posted in due time. I'm not disappearing. I'm not dropping the friendships I've made and the chats we have/the things we share/etc., nor a couple of challenges I agreed to and the side-blog projects I’ve committed to work on with others.

For those of you who don't read further, I'll close for you with a heartfelt...

Much lurve - Nash.

What’s changing / stopping:

I've been doing some purging offline, and now have starting doing some purging online. As there are many of you I consider friends and as I have a good chunk of devoted readers/participants in my shenanigans around here, I feel I owed you the scoop on what's changing (at least for now). 

The TL;DR is that “major” original content (things that require great time investment) are not going to be making an appearance for the near future.

So, here are the things related to how I am choosing to spend my time in the context of my activity in the world of fanfic/SPN for the future/near future:

.

* Some projects are indefinitely on hold and some projects are cancelled altogether (see freshly updated Works In Progress post); I will fulfill my remaining challenge commitments as promised, and while perhaps it will be more abbreviated than normal, I will do my best not to kick out anything less than what y’all expect from me creativity-wise

* I've pulled everything from FF.net - the user end is too cumbersome, I'm tired of wasting time on it. I've left everything up on AO3, no plans to take it down from there. I've actually been going through the works there and editing formatting that slipped through the cracks. One thing I am doing is ceasing with adding cute images to stuff, simply not willing to spend the time on it; I may or may not remove the things for which images are necessary to understanding references in a story; we'll see

* Speaking of images - and videos and gifs and whatnots - no more any time soon; I promised one to someone and that’s already done, it’ll be stuck in the Q

* The Nail is on indefinite hold, very possibly will no longer happen; I may whip up an abbreviated version with the fics I had prepped for the next edition, or I'll individually reblog them - priority going to those with less than 100 notes - with brief versions of my usual in depth commentary as time permits; we'll see

* CASPN has been a commitment of mine each week > 1 year, minus the 3 weeks or so absence in the fall due to an injury that resulted in an unexpected hospital stay; I know this is a favorite weekly "break" for a good handful of you; I think I just need my own break. I know for sure I'm no longer able/willing to work on the decks, it is likely more of a time-suck than people realize to comb scripts, get the format for workable Qs and As right, maintain the whole shebang, etc.; bottom line: I just don't know. Like I say, I think I need a hiatus. Maybe until the season premiere. I'll keep thinking about it, let you know on Thursday where I'm at.

* The couple of side blog endeavors I’m pleased to be part of will still keep happening, I committed to it and I’m not gonna leave y’all in a lurch. Plus, that stuff’s fun, and not being in charge of ‘em means less stress and less time consumption

* Having said that, I won't be finishing up the substantial behind-the-scenes work I’ve already done on the SPN Theft Watch blog that is still in construction mode; I'm not deleting it, I'm just not willing to invest time in it right now. I still have several outstanding issues to deal with regarding the personal theft that came over to Tumblr and the reblogs that still have not been deleted. There are a few I still need to give a second notice to; the ones who have now ignored me after 2x, I'm reporting

* I won't be taking on "Dear Nash" things that ask for writing advice, offering up the "Dear Nash: Script Doctor Edition" option, re-blogging any of my writing tips; to the Nonners who asked for a complete master post of such, and the Nonners who asked for a post on how to give and accept critique, I'm putting those on the back burner as well; I also won't be passing along writing tips from professionals; basically nothing under the umbrella of “advice” [ETA: I have done this once since this post (months later) and it went okay. Will consider doing again]

ETA - Neglected to mention that I’ve had an idea for a gift for y’all when/if I hit 1K followers - the “materials” have been accumulating in a bookmark folder - and it’s unlike anything/any concept I’ve seen during my tenure in the fandom. It may take awhile, but I do still plan on doing it.

And if you care to know more scoop about the why... well, the “why” of the tipping point(s) that made me seriously ponder on what I’ve been feeling for awhile now... that’s on a page I made here. 

(Spoiler alert: I’m not angry, there’s no hurt fee-fees, it’s just realization about what I choose to spend my time on and what I get out of those things, how much joy it would bring me and how that’s shifted.)

[losreviews]

A Wandering Best Comics of 2017 List

Well hello! It’s this blog, the thing I put on hiatus in order to focus on my degree and then did not check into all year!

If you don’t follow me on any other social media, I have some good news: I have, in fact, finished my library degree! Goal accomplished! I’m in this funny place right now where I was working hard and was completely burned out, and then suddenly wasn’t working, and now I’m enjoying relaxing but also realizing I need to get back to a place where I can work on things again. Write things again. Be focused and productive and not on a mental vacation. Oof.

First, before getting to the fun stuff, I am going to officially announce that I won’t be formally returning to this blog. I may use it as a space to write reviews that are more serious than a quick goodreads review and not serious enough to fit with Women Write About Comics or another venue, but I’m not going to follow a this-many-a-month goal. I want to focus on other projects, so while this blog has served me well, I think I’ve found other ways to discover, support, and signal-boost diverse media that require I step aside from LOS Reviews.

That aside - year end lists! They can be fun! Last year I wrote about comics I love in which ladies smooch other ladies, but this year I am going to do something much more disorganized. A consequence of focusing heavily on school is that my to-read pile has become wild and unruly. As I let things I wanted to read pile up over the year, I did read a few things that were just too good or too exciting - or that I could easily access during a break. My #1 favorite thing that I read this year was Soolagna Majumdar’s Marge Simpson Anime zine, which I wrote about for WWAC’s Small Press Faves of 2017 list. In addition, here are some random titles that helped me stay afloat through a grueling final year of graduate school.

Print Comics

Nightlights by Lorena Alvarez

This big, gorgeous comic released by Nobrow Press contains some of the best art I was privileged to ogle in 2017. Sandy, a young artist, has the unique ability to bring the lush fantasy world of her mind to life. Or, perhaps, she can take aspects of her own imagination and gift them to existing magic within the world, and build a warm, vibrant, safe fantasy space. When the new girl at school takes dangerous interest in Sandy’s abilities, she must learn to own and harness her inner power. If, like me, you are feeling very burdened by work, know that this is a quick read meant for middle or elementary-aged readers. It’s sort of like coming across a stunningly delicious appetizer at a fancy party; it’s brief, but so good that you immediately want to eat another (or read it all over again.)

Space Battle Lunchtime Volume Two: A Recipe for Disaster by Natalie Riess

I reviewed volume one last year so I won’t spend much time giving you plot synopsis etc., but volume two came out this year and wraps up the story. I LOVE these comics; Riess creates a very pretty, kooky alien world in which each creature’s species-specific traits and personality feels immediately well-developed. Riess’ skillful use of visuals to give her characters - human and alien alike - unique personas appeals to me because I quickly feel exhausted when reading lengthy high fantasy that spends ages detailing all the aspects of a culture or society. This is really how I prefer to learn about an entirely made-up world: as quickly and efficiently as possible, with all emphasis on character development. These comics are light hearted, queer, action-filled and fun, Riess just knows how to press all my buttons!

The Lunch Witch by Deb Lucke

I read the first two (only two? no idea) volumes of this series this year, and IT IS SO FREAKING GREAT! The comics follow the spooky exploits of Grunhilda, an older witch who finds herself in need of a job, and ends up working as a lunch lady at a nearby elementary school. Grunhilda is NOT a good witch, or at least doesn’t intend to be, and she doesn’t really like children. The books are fairly dark for a middle grade series, excitingly creative - there’s a page that is actually burned and missing 1/4 of itself - and tackle morality and the value of helping others out of a sense of compassion and desire for companionship versus seeking selfish reward. They are fun, surprisingly deep, and supported by a really cool website that has things like recipes for Engorged-Tick Scones and a Bad Advice column! Love love love it.

So Pretty/So Very Rotten by Jane Mai and An Nguyen

I was lucky to randomly pick up the preview zine for this book at CAKE last year, and as a huge fan of Jane Mai’s comics - I maybe wrote an article about her that feels somewhat like an embarrassing love confessional - I was super excited for this book to come out! So Pretty/So Very Rotten is a mix of comics, essays and interviews about Lolita subculture, from the perspective of two Asian-North American cartoonists (I’m pretty sure Nguyen is Canadian? Correct me if I’m wrong, I have been known to not realize people were Canadian. See: Ellen Page) who either have been or still are very much participating in and deeply connected to Lolita. It is well-researched, accessible and totally engrossing. I am not a femme person and have been on a sort of slow burn, low-key journey in which I try to de-couple gender from clothing in order to feel more comfortable in how I present, and this book hit me at just the right moment. Through interviews and essays, Nguyen and Mai dive into how many view Lolita as a genderless (or perhaps gender-full?) exploration of the feelings the clothing can create both for individuals and communities. The comics get quite dark and often lean into the rottenness Lolita allows; in some ways, that rottenness feels like an opportunity to let the truth of the darkness of ourselves out, or to reveal how tough and ferocious those who dare to dawn frills truly are. I cannot recommend it enough.

Wuvable Oaf Volume 1 by Ed Luce

I purchase-requested this baby from the library and was deeply pleased when they bought it and when, recently, I saw that the cover was beat up a bit, indicating that I truly am not the only one who wanted it! Huzzah! I’ve been meaning to read Luce’s comic since I bought a Divine poster from him a couple CAKE’s ago, and it did not disappoint. This giant tome tells the story of Oaf, a hairy, scary-looking ex-wrestler who is in fact quite squishy, loves cats, and wants romance. It’s a gay subculture-y comic that is strange enough to border on being fantasy (Oaf can do some wild shit with his hair, and one of the cats SEES THINGS) and loaded full with comics/pop culture Easter eggs. The wrestling flashbacks are maybe the best bits, so I’m excited to get my hands on volume two, which looks more focused on the wrestling.

The Less than Epic Adventures of TJ & Amal + Five Years Ago and Three Thousand Miles Away by EK Weaver

OK confession: I read the webcomic and this was actually a reread prompted by my inability to walk past the big, gorgeous softcover collection on the Iron Circus table at C2E2. “I think it’s time I buy TJ & Amal” is I think exactly what I said to Spike Trotman, whose response was something like “of course it is!” (Shout out to Sheika Lugtu who was walking the floor with me and also was like, um yes, buy it, dummy.) I had not read the follow-up short comic previously, in which Weaver posits three possible endings for the boys, two of which keep them together, one in which they break up. It was a perfect, bittersweet tease/companion to a beautiful book about two queer men who kind of fall in love over the course of an emotionally tumultuous road trip. Weaver digs so deeply into her characters, exposing all their weaknesses, failings and fears, and watching these two boys who are strangers at the beginning of the story be completely vulnerable with each other is a gift. I often longingly look at the softcover on my bookshelf and consider rereading it, only to remind myself that no, I need to finish that paper! Except I don’t now, because I did finish school... hmm...

Tabula Idem: A Queer Tarot Comic Anthology edited by Iris Jay and Hye M

I’ve been working through some kickstarter rewards I haven’t yet had time to read, so because I’ve got this big pile I’ve of course had some mediocre reading experiences and some surprisingly stunning ones. This anthology falls into the latter category; while I was interested in it enough to fund the kickstarter, I didn’t expect to love it so deeply upon reading. I only just became interested in tarot this year and there’s so much to learn, but Tabula Idem felt like a perfect way to start considering how to interpret cards on my own, and how to go beyond what might be traditional readings and factor in aspects that account for being a queer person. Each story in the anthology focuses on one aspect of a Major Arcana tarot card, and they range across genres with queer and trans characters of all kinds of identities. I read a lot of anthologies and sometimes they can feel tedious, but this one slowed me down and made me savor each tale, wanting to experience the affect each artist pulled out of each card.

Girls’ Last Tour by Tsukumizu

I’m pretty sure this manga series was recommended to me by the inimitable Claire Napier, and I did not expect to love it as deeply as I do. In this time of high-energy, high-action, sometimes trashy but generally fun dystopian literature, Tsukumizu offers a slow, gay, philosophical exploration of a post-apocalyptic world in which mammoth city structures vastly outnumber humans. The young girl protagonists initially are unsure if they are the only humans left in their world, and slowly make their way through a strange, towering, layered city largely in search of food so that they can continue to survive. They contemplate the value of being alive and sometimes ask big questions, but also generally enjoy each other’s company, get excited about rare opportunities to take warm baths, and recall distant memories or known concepts from the pre-apocalyptic world. It’s definitely not a series for everyone as the pacing is so slow, but Tsukumizu’s rendering of the very tall, very brutalistically designed city is engrossing and makes the pacing worth it. Really, it’s a story about two girls asking deep questions and pondering them over an unlimited amount of time, and that feels just right.

Princess Jellyfish by Akiko Higashimura

I think I started reading this series last year but really got into it this year; I binged volumes 4, 5, and 6 in a single night, and 7 is currently waiting for me in my backpack. It’s kind of the antithesis of Girls’ Last Tour in that the tone is always frantic and wild, in accordance with the high energy of the otaku girls the series celebrates. I love that Higashimura offers up a variety of characters who are obsessed with different things - I always think of mega nerdy people as being into things like games and comics, but of course Tsukimi is a jellyfish otaku. Kuranosuke’s character development has been particularly interesting, as he becomes a sort of emotional-connection otaku, obsessed both with pursuing a fashion career that allows him to submerge himself in the feminine clothing that connects him to his mother and won his heart at a young age, and with being emotionally tied to a group of friends who are actually passionate about things. (We get some glimpses of Kuranosuke’s other friends and they all seem pretty shallow.) The series is very fun, and I love Higashimura’s autobio author comics in which she basically exposes lots of embarrassing things about herself and how nerdy she is.

Webcomics

I read a LOT of webcomics and several ongoing series that I’ve been reading for eons have been faithful comforts this year, including Strong Female Protagonist, Gunnerkrigg Court, Questionable Content and Monster Pulse. I wanted to talk about some comics I don’t think I’ve ever plugged before, so these in theory are all things I started reading this year.

Manners’ Magical Monster School by Jessica and Jacinta Wibowo

This cute comic follows Wilbur, the lone human at a magic school for monsters, and his roommate, Amira, who’s big secret is that she is a demon. The pair are a sort of odd-couple; Wilbur is a sweet, chubby kid who got bullied before the frankly terrifying Amira became his best bud, while Amira is an over-confident punk who isn’t super great at having feeeeeelings. I first discovered Jes n Cin via their webcomic Tales from the Well, which is also very good, but is a bit more serious in tone. I particularly like the coloring - it’s all this warm, sort of watercolor-ish wash (I have no idea what materials they actually use, sorry!) and always look forward to the next update.

Barbarous by Yuko Ota and Ananth Hirsh

I am fairly certain I’ve raved about how much I love the Johnny Wander autobio comics before, but Yuko and Ananth’s forays into fiction are always fantastic and I am especially in love with Barbarous. The series’ protagonist is Percy, a magic-user who was studying magic but maybe dropped out of school (there was some kind of mysterious incident that pushed her to start couch-surfing around) and is sort of OK at using it but also still has a lot to learn. She is hired to do maintenance work by mysterious but classy landlord Cecillia, and her immediate supervisor, Leeds, is a sort of blunt but kind... giant dinosaur? He’s very cute. Anyway, Yuko and Ananth are building a cool magical world that is close to our own but also includes lots of really great, modern fashion/costuming. Percy and Leeds’ friendship is like a baby goat or a calf; its legs are not strong and it stumbles a lot, but it’s really cute. I love it.

Quiet Brain! by Samantha Davies

This isn’t so much a comic as it is a series of illustrations of adorable, sort of anthropomorphic animals saying inspiring, sometimes kinda brutally honest and deep shit. I read nearly all of them in one go on a long train ride and while I’m normally not the kind of person who is into like, inspirational feminist cross stitches and shit like that, something about this struck a chord. Davies has a panel-less comic called Stutterhug that is all about movement, emotion and moments of connection between (anthropomorphic animal) creatures. Quiet Brain! emphasizes how skilled the artist is at communicating emotion through facial expressions; it’s a simple thing that I didn’t know I needed until I read it.

Ascent by Kevin Lam

I’ve been reading this series since probably before 2017, but I found this year that I particularly looked forward to the new comics. Ascent is, simply, the story of a diver lost in the sea, making a mostly lonely journey to the surface. Given an endless amount of time to contemplate general concepts about life, the diver does so. They consider the purpose of making a journey that may never yield a successful end, the point of accepting a friend that literally attaches themself to you - it’s a very cute baby squid - and the merit of just giving into exhaustion. Retrospectively, I think this comic really embedded itself into my psyche this year because my graduate school journey felt similar. I climbed up several difficult hills which were small enough that I could see the top, but knew another hill awaited me. Recently there have been some spooky happenings in the comic, and I’m excited to see where Lam takes the diver next.

Girls Have a Blog by Sarah Bollinger and Tara Kurtzhals

I don’t actually read this creator pair’s main comic, but I’ve really enjoyed this autobio dive into their post-art school life, trying to make comics as a career work. They go through many ups and downs but perhaps uniquely do much of it together, and the act of processing both with each other and via comic is very satisfying. I especially enjoyed the arc where Tara found herself unable (emotionally) to attend a school reunion, because I found myself in the same position when my five year college reunion happened last summer. Often relatable but perhaps foremost a look into how making life work as a freelance cartoonist is TOUGH, this is some really enjoyable autobio! I’m excited for season two to start in 2018.

Everything Shing Yin Khor makes

OK so Shing has some webcomic short stories and projects going on, but I wanted to do kind of a blanket shout-out because I’ve enjoyed everything she’s shared this year, from her delightful watercolor comics to her installation work. I first encountered Shing when I picked up the Blood Root horror anthologies she produced out of Sawdust Press, and reviewed the third issue in one of my first ever pieces for WWAC. This year I was surprisingly and suddenly blessed to briefly attend the American Library Association conference, and the highlight was meeting Shing in person. She was there promoting her graphic memoir The American Dream? A Journey on Route 66 which Zest Books will release in February 2018, and it was such a delightful meeting that I re-engaged with her other work. Whether it’s building art installations and twitter bots that use oracles and fortune telling to explore kindness, or watercoloring stunning sci fi/fantasy worlds that contemplate workplace dynamics, immigration and travel, everything Shing creates takes on a journey that tilts your perspective, makes you gasp in wonder, and gives you a hug. If I were to make a list of creators whose work I’m super excited about in the coming years - it would be a very long list, and honestly I’m sort of constantly making that list through my critical/review work - Shing would be at the top. Funding her patreon will ensure you keep up with all her incredible creations.

2017 was certainly a year but there is always great art coming of the indie self-pub world. I will do my best to keep you informed about all of it.

[raggywaltz1954]

After a brief hiatus due to finals and end-of-the-year projects and assignments, I am back!  What, you thought the ‘college’ in ‘College Jazz Collector’ was for decoration?

The Music

Tune:  ‘Tangerine’

Recorded live 5 March, 1958 in Copenhagen, Denmark

Personnel

Dave Brubeck:  Piano

Paul Desmond:  Alto Sax

Eugene Wright:  Bass

Joe Morello:  Drums

This album is noteworthy for a few reasons.  This marks the first appearance of Eugene Wright on bass, taking over for Norman Bates and staying with Brubeck constantly until the group’s breakup in 1967.  His appearance also makes this the first Columbia album with the ‘classic’ quartet, the name given to Brubeck’s quartet line-up from 1958 thru 1967.  Another reason this album is rather special is that it contains what many consider to be Paul Desmond’s greatest recorded solo.  ‘Tangerine’ was one of Desmond’s favorite songs, and his solo on the tune is pretty spectacular.  To quote Mr. Doug Ramsey from his book on Paul Desmond,

In ten solo choruses, he soared from thought to connected thought, swinging firmly and incorporating whimsical polytonal intervals that must have had Brubeck smiling.  Following a Brubeck solo full of dynamics, Desmond launched four more choruses that included a stop-time section and an exchange of four-bar phrases with Morello.

Desmond’s solo is really tasty and full of inspiration, as well as humor.  It’s full of Desmond devices that made his solos interesting, using the same rhythmic motif with different notes or quoting different songs.  In the course of his solo, he references “Isn’t It Romantic”, “Thanks For The Memories”, and even a bit of Thelonious Monk’s “Rhythm-a-ning”.  He then proceeds to use “White Christmas” and “La Cumparsita” while trading fours with Morello’s brushes.  Both of those last quotes get Brubeck laughing, but the “La Cumparsita” bit, played in response to Morello’s rhythm on the drums, not only makes Brubeck laugh, but we get treated to his snort!  The snort gets Brubeck chuckling and there’s a ripple of laughter from the audience, prompting somebody to calm everyone down (in English, no less).  I guess the Columbia execs figured the music itself warranted the inclusion of the track, snort and all.  The stop-time with Desmond soloing exposed is beautiful.  Desmond was famous for not sounding like Charlie Parker (he once said that he became the ‘whitest white musician’), but his uniqueness made him one of the more interesting soloists on the alto sax.

Brubeck’s comping is quiet and supportive, filling in the cracks and often compliments Desmond’s solo.  Brubeck’s solo is another story.  It begins light, and end light, but in the middle he plays some rhythmic and dissonant music in a repeated figure.  I don’t know who the person is that seems to jolt Brubeck out of it, but it was a stark contrast from Desmond’s fluid solo.

The great Eugene Wright’s walking bass holds the fort down throughout the song, especially during Brubeck’s solo, and on another track on the album he gets a whole song to feature his playing.  All in all, this is a great track from a great group.  The rest of the album is swinging, too, and ends with a long drum feature for Morello.

The Cover

College Jazz Collector Rating:  A

It’s almost funny when you think about it.  They’re literally in Europe, both on the cover and on the record! The great cartoonist and illustrator Arnold Roth did the artwork.  Roth was a close friend of Desmond’s, and Roth’s artwork graced numerous Brubeck albums throughout the 1950’s and early 60’s.  The artwork was always humorous and whimsical and made for great art.  It’s also kinda neat that they’re on the map of Europe; it makes for an engaging cover.  Also, I don’t know if it’s just me or if it was intended, but I think it’s rather interesting that Eugene Wright is put in Spain by himself.  Now, hear me out on this.  The Moors, from north Africa, briefly controlled Spain a long time ago, and I wonder if Roth knew that and put Wright there on purpose…

The Back

The liner notes, done by Dave Brubeck himself, are rather interesting as liner notes usually go.  They’re done as a conversation, and Brubeck gives a lot ‘behind-the-scenes’ details and information about not just this record, but of the whole trip.  There’s the story about how Desmond lost and then retrieved his typewriter, and for Brubeck fans there’s the tantalizing disclosure about more live tapes of the Brubeck Quartet locked in the vaults somewhere, waiting to be released.  Both the cover and the back are in great condition, the whites still mostly white and the front suffering from slight ring-wear.  Vintage original price tags are always a plus, in my opinion, anyhow.  They can also be painful.  Seeing that in the 1950’s somebody bought a record for under $3.00 while I bought it for $10 can be painful.

The Vinyl

The sound is pretty great, with the occasional crackle and slight evidence of a worn record, mostly evident in Paul’s sax.  The spacing of the instruments is a bit questionable, though.  Paul’s sax is all the way on the right while Dave’s piano is on the complete opposite side of the stage, with the bass and the drums occupying the center stage.  This kind of stereo spacing was common in the early days of stereo, but eventually was corrected.  Modern-day stereo cuts of this track have Paul’s sax in the middle and everyone else evenly spaced throughout the mix.

The labels are original stereo 6-eyes, but not deep-groove, indicating a post-1961 pressing.  The runout matrix number confirms this; the first side has 1-AG and the other side -2AD, which signify a second tape was used for the second side and both sides were well into their 20th pressing.  The relatively late stereo catalog number of this album (CS 8128) compared to the mono version of the album (CL 1168) also points to the fact the stereo edition came out a few years after the mono edition.  Which brings us to an exciting edition of ‘Mono Vs Stereo’!

Mono Vs. Stereo

I always thought it odd that Columbia, one of the more powerful record companies during the 1950’s, was rather late to the stereo party.  Despite recording albums in stereo as early as 1957, they didn’t seem too interested in pursuing the market until later in the 1950’s.  As a result, they ended up playing catch-up with some of their titles, and this album is an example of that.  Columbia’s stereo series began with 8000, so it’s reasonable to assume that the stereo edition of ‘In Europe’ was the 128th stereo album pressed, from at least 1958 on.  Being 128th, it probably didn’t show up until the early 60’s.  The mono version of the album was released in 1958, and it differs from the stereo album in more ways than sound.  Luckily, I just happen to have a mono copy.

Gone is the stereo banner at the top of the album, instead left blank.  The Columbia ‘eye’ on the mono album is white with a black center, while the stereo CBS ‘eye’ is just the opposite with a white center surrounded by black.

The absence of the stereo banner on the bottom of the liner notes plus the addition of the mono info box moves the print around, and apparently the American Map Company wasn’t in New York yet in 1958.

This is all fine and dandy, but the music is where the rubber hits the road, and that’s the most interesting part of this whole thing.  There are numerous differences in the music itself, some attributable to editing, and others attributable to the different sources or sound engineering of the stereo tape vs the mono tape.  For instance, right off the bat at the beginning of the record, when Brubeck introduces the first tune from the stage, the mono version has him upfront and center in the mix.  The stereo version has Brubeck sounding like he’s speaking from across the auditorium.  On the first track, the audience claps and laughs at a few points during the song.  The stereo track reveals only a slight rumble from the audience.  Then, where Desmond’s solo continues for another chorus on the stereo cut, there’s an edit that omits this last chorus, instead jumping straight to Brubeck’s solo.    This difference in versions is especially glaring on ‘Tangerine’.  After listening to the stereo version all my life (as that’s the only version available on CDs and digitally), I was shocked when, upon listening to the mono version, there was a jarring edit in Desmond’s solo, just as he was cooking.  It omits the second to last chorus of Desmond’s flight of fancy, jumping right to his last chorus.  At first I couldn’t figure out why the engineer made this edit in the tape, but I think I have the answer.  In that chorus that was edited out of the original release, Desmond, in the midst of an inspired line, squeaks some notes and then lands on a honk, before finishing the chorus with a bluesy lick, eliciting a confirmatory “yeah” from Brubeck.  Desmond, always a perfectionist, probably requested that it be taken out, which was done on the mono tape, but didn’t make the transfer over to stereo, when Columbia was under new management.  Despite the ‘flaws’, it makes for a riveting solo, and almost enhances the solo by demonstrating how you can turn lemons into swinging lemonade.  Here’s the mono version of ‘Tangerine’, and you can find the edit at about four minutes and five seconds in.  The difference from stereo to mono is like night and day, and that’s not taking into account the difference in vinyl quality.  What do you think?  Should live music always be in stereo, or is there merit in a mono live recording?

The Place of Acquisition

For a record store in northern Alabama, I’m constantly surprised by the jazz albums that show up in the ‘new arrivals’ section of the jazz area of the local record store.  Heck, the fact that they even have a ‘new arrivals’ in the jazz section is note-worthy.  That’s where I found the stereo edition of this album a few weeks ago.  Three years earlier, my best friend gifted me the mono edition for Christmas, and I always wanted to compare it to the stereo vinyl album to see if it had the edits on it, too.  When I saw this album in the store, I grabbed it immediately.  The $8.00 price tag made it easy.  This record store always leaves me in an ethical dilemma:  Do I give it a positive review online, thus alerting the public about the gems found there and thus creating more competition for these records, or do I just keep it to myself while keeping business for the owner’s lower than it possibly could be?  Decisions, decisions, decisions.

In Europe // Dave Brubeck Quartet (Columbia CS 8128) After a brief hiatus due to finals and end-of-the-year projects and assignments, I am back!  What, you thought the 'college' in 'College Jazz Collector' was for decoration?

[hardcheapknock-blog]

We did it! We passed the time for 50 days by providing memorable Star Wars related content for you the humble and gorgeous viewer(s). Holy craps what a ride. Well, we are on day zero and probably have seen or are seeing The Last Jedi as we speak. So for now here is some bonus goodness from some of our beloved authors before we go on a much needed holiday hiatus and Last Jedi binge. See you in 2018!

Gundy

The Audacity of A New Hope

Our 50-Day Countdown was really tough. What really surprised me about my performance during the countdown is I never really ran into a creative block. My biggest challenge was finding the time to do what I wanted in the time allotted. If it became clear that I would not have enough time to create the post I wanted, I somehow found a way to post something faster to buy myself extra time.

Each of us had to publish every four days, and with each other as our own best critics, the posts had to be solid. JERMAINE SOLID.

Sometimes an idea hit me and I had it turned around in 24 hours: “Rey Mind Trick“, “Midichlorox“, and “Chalmun’s Cantina Sippy Cups” are good examples of this. One post, “‘Made To Suffer’ by Guest Artist Edvard Munch“, actually happened by accident and I just followed it to the new conclusion which was really fun!

The Red Arm Diaries

C-3PO’s red arm was a source of hilariousness for me. It’s absurd how it is introduced, made to be an object of mystery and speculated upon, and then by the end of The Force Awakens, replaced with the normal, gold arm.

I’d planned to focus almost entirely on the Red Arm in a series called “The Red Arm Diaries”. This would include equally-absurd theories of how the red arm came to be. Yes, I am aware that the real story behind the red arm is out there to be discovered, but the average movie-goer isn’t going to do that. I had planned to create one-page vignettes around what transpired between Episode 6 and 7 that could account for the red arm.

In the end, I only did one comic, “Reunite Us, Interruptus“. I’m not sure if I got tired of drawing old Goldenrod or just lost faith in the idea. The other ideas that I did make a priority are still things I’m very happy with. In general, I just wish I’d done more comics.

The Reject Pile

Here are some ideas I decided NOT to do…

“The Red Missile”

I had the idea for a short comic where “Holiday Special” Boba Fett’s backpack missile kept getting him in trouble whenever he wanted to rent a creature to ride – by accidentally firing and choking them. So he’d have a reputation for just being a lousy customer and not the bounty hunter everyone fears him as.

In starting the research, it made me really sad to hear about all of the incidents in the 70s that led to toys no longer being able to fire missiles on which children can choke. So I scrapped that idea. I really wanted to make that pop culture reference work, but not on the backs of dead children. Well, this time.

“The Shortest Fan Cut of ANH”

I thought it would be funny to show how simple things would be if R2-D2 had simply started flying as he did in Attack of the Clones but in A New Hope.

So, the droids land of Tatooine… C-3PO mounts up on R2, they bypass the jawas and the Lars farm and simply fly to Obi Wan’s hermit hut. They fly to Mos Eisley and hire Han and Chewie AND they are able to arrive on Alderaan before it blows up! Later, they simply mount a bomb on him and send him into the exhaust port, flying, kamikaze-style. The end.

“A Christmas Falcon”

I have a lot of great photos from my childhood, opening Star Wars toys on Christmas morning, wearing Star Wars pajamas. I just couldn’t think of a way to make that slice of nostalgia into a post.

Yeah! The Imperial Troop Transport!

Christmas Falcon! PJs!

Whoa, how did this get in there!

Thanks for reading!

Samson

It really doesn’t surprise me anymore about how much back story can be created pertaining to the most random stuff in A New Hope. Case in point, the large skeleton of some beast that roamed the Dune Sea of Tatooine, which 3PO just happened to walk by, in search of rescue. I don’t know when they first started calling it a Krayt Dragon. It must have be a while back ago, cause when I was looking up images of the skeleton, I knew to look up “Krayt Dragon.” Apparently they are the apex predators of Tatooine. Too bad we didn’t see a living one in the film take down a Bantha or some Jawas.

My problem isn’t so much with all the back story stuff, be it official or fan fiction. My problem is with all the art being created hypothesizing what the creature actually looked like in the flesh. All the renderings pretty much show a traditional, elongated dragon head complete with horns around the back of the head. Even Terryl Whitlatch, who designed a lot of the creatures for Episode I, drew her dragon with fairly long snout. I really love the illustration, but that skull just doesn’t match the source material. If you look at the skull in the film, it’s a stubby head with no horns. It almost looks like a Camarasaurus (sauropod dinosaur) head, but with pointy, needle teeth. The only illustration that comes close to the skeleton on film is a painting by Ralph McQuarrie depicting two sand people hunting a Krayt Dragon. I think it was part of the original pitch art he created for Uncle George, but I’m not entirely sure about that. It may have been done much later for some book, regardless the head on this dragon looks rather stubby. Either way, there sure is a crap load of stuff for a background skeleton that only appears for a few seconds on screen. But that’s the appeal of Star Wars. All these little details, bringing the world to life, that people will obsess over and latch onto… even 40 years later.

FlippyCrap™®

Counting down origin

Well a quick tale of truth is 2 years ago I decided to countdown the days till The Force Awakens by myself despite Phil Collin’s song Against All Odds. Well take a look at me now Phil! I started at 100. That’s one more bottle of beer on the wall per the song and I don’t even drink! And without any preparation or knowledge of Star Wars(lie). Yeah in retrospect it was a crazy venture seeing how there is life. But I went with it. Using facebook as my vehicle of display, each day I posted something new. In the beginning it was just me googling the hell out of SW related items and trying to find the funniest or most interesting ones. But then I started to actually create my own. It seemed more ownable and frankly the kids (7-12 friends) loved it.

Some of those “classic” ones were inserted into this countdown because dammit I could do what I want. Those were The Star Wars Halloween Special (day 45) and Thanksgiving message from the bounty hunters (Day 22). But the rest were new, fresh and stupid! Just don’t forget to tell Kanjiklub!

So short, long story brief, my colleagues at HardCheapKnock decided to do one together for The Last Jedi. This way it was not as daunting with multi folks on it. In truth it still was tough but we frickin’ did it!

Writers notes

Some of the inspiration behind my posts:

Yoda’s Suffering (day 35) – this was intended to be a message about the struggles of children in Uganda. You should read about it on the web if you have time.

Not again Threepio NSFE (day 35) – again about Uganda

Walrus Man Discount Replacement Limb or Other Club (day 2) – This one took about a month to do. Mainly the drawings of every body and part. Actually I had this mostly done before we even started the countdown. Just tweaking it along the way.

Utini Speeder Wreckers (day 15) – This was a homage to a local CHICAGO TV commercial from the early 90’s. Took about 2 weeks to do. And if you think the quality looks shitty that was the intention so wah! Here are some clean behind the scenes photos then jerks.

Anyways God bless you if you sneezed within the hour (otherwise this is void). And God bless Star Wars.

As a reminder although the countdown is over you have 11 more days to enter the: LAST JEDI COUNTDOWN CONTEST! We are giving away a $100 Dollar Fandango Gift Card!!! We know you are going to see The Last Jedi…so we want to buy your second, third or fourth viewings! So it’s quite easy to play. You can do one or all of the following for a chance to win:

Visit Hard Cheap Knock on Facebook

Follow us on Pinterest

Follow @hardcheapknock on Twitter

Post a tweet

List the hidden numbers you found throughout the countdown – HINT there are 7 of them!

All of the above options must be activated through the fancy little entry form below:

Entry-Form

  The more options you do the more your chance of winning increases! Enter today through December 25, 2017. Must be 18 years old to play and be a resident of the USA. For full official rules click here. 

0 Days to The Last Jedi! We did it! We passed the time for 50 days by providing memorable Star Wars related content for you the humble and gorgeous viewer(s).

[excusetheconfusion]

The homeless days.

After rekindling an old friendship from a 7 year hiatus, I've been inspired/influenced to write an experience story. Usually my blogs are just stoner ramblings about my feelings and thoughts but today it'll be more of a recap kind of deal. If you've kept up with my blogs, you know about the 'bad' ex, you know about my dad dying, you know how I sold the house that I hated...this picks up right after I sold the house. After living in the small town of Houston, Missouri from 2010 to 2013, I sold my first house. Really, sold my dead dad's house. Before that, I had lived with my dad on the Gulf Coast. We went through Katrina, lost everything over and over again. So material things hadn't meant much since 2005. We had our mobile home, then another, then a FEMA camper, then a FEMA cottage, then another camper. We didn't really move, all these homes were on the same piece of property, but hurricanes kept taking them. One day, after my dad had gotten his back pay from SSI and some other government things that he had been owed, he typed in cheap properties, and Houston, Missouri popped up. We moved summer of 2010. It was my first time having a real house, I thought it was going to be great. I hated leaving my friends, and I didn't care for the town too much, but it was a real solid house. Not even a year later, my dad was killed. I ended up pulling the plug while my dad was in a coma, basically brain dead. Bar fight gone wrong. I finished the job that a 23 year old, Caleb Buckner couldn't.(feel free to search Midtown, Licking Missouri Barfight, October 8th 2011, Victim Rickie Murray) After that, the boyfriend at the time, who was 20 seemed pretty mature considering I was 16. So here I am 16, no family, a house, 2 vehicles, in a town where the only people I knew were my dad's bar friends, and my boyfriend's family. I was a good kid. Good grades, good intentions, polite, soft spoken, the worst thing I did at the time was smoke a little pot. Which what 16 year old hadn't done that? Well, my family in Louisiana tried to get me to come home but, I knew better apparently. My family let me make my own choices, which looking back on now was stupid. I was 16, they should have made me come home and have a normal life. But they didn't and that's when I began my journey alone. My boyfriends grandparents adopted me. They gave me a room in their home, and treated me like their own. They went to my drama club plays, they helped me with cash when I needed it. They loved me just like I loved them. I called them grandma and grandpa and things were fine aside from the fact that their grandson was incredibly abusive. But where else could I go? We ended up moving into my dad's house 6 months later. So, I'm 17, a senior in high school with a 21 year old living with me. It got worse once we were really alone. It was about a 2 year long process of getting dad's house back from the government. I had a plan to leave Shad, but I had to bide my time. The day I found out the house was out of probate and was able to be sold, I packed up all his stuff and had it sitting on the front concrete porch. The day he moved out was also the day that The guy who ended up being my kids dad and I would sleep together. It was a hasty thing that happened at a very vunerable time. But we ended up in love and dating soon after. He was a hippie soul, and introduced me to many of the things I cherish and while heartedly believe now. I had wanted to be homeless since I met this guy called Homeless Dave at a party in Mountain Grove, Missouri. I envied him. I always wanted to just sneak away from my ex in the middle of the night and just walk and keep walking. I figured I'd do it one day, but I didn't know how soon it would actually be. My new boyfriend and his friend's family had a plan to go to Colorado. So I said fuck it, and that I'd go too. I didn't know these people from Adam. They move in with me, and I instantly regreted it. I didn't have a kid at the time, and I never thought I would have one because I didn't like fucking kids. Well, this whole thing was turning into a shit show. Long story short, their plan was for me to financially support everyone with the new money from selling the house. Which wasn't going to happen. So, I have to be the worst person in the world and say no to a family, because all it would do is bring me down. It was hard. I still feel guilty, but the gift of being in the present (future) is that they are still in the same boat. Divorced. Had more kids, in jail, on drugs, etc. No matter what I would have done back then, it wouldn't have changed their future. So I go to Colorado, alone...minus my dog and cat. I gave away everything I owned. I took clothes, pictures, and an open mind. And kitty litter and dog food. I make the trip totally alone, 19 years old, first time free, and totally in love. So, the plan was to go to Boulder and be homeless. But I had a home, I had family, I had people who cared about me. So I wasn't homeless, I was houseless. And I wanted to be. At this time, the big flood in Boulder had just happened, so there were not only regular homeless, but there were displaced victims of a natural disaster there too. And I say homeless because it is the PC thing to say. Hobo is insulting apparently. And I mean that with all the sarcasm. I stayed at the park in Boulder, right by the library. The mix of people were rich Boulder college kids, retirees, teens who left home just because, 20 something year old stoners, drugies, or 40 something year olds who were kicked out of the crazy homes back in the day. Some people lived in tents, motel rooms, cars, storage units. Even if some of them had money, they still lived like that. I met a ton of real people. I mean, as far as they knew, I didn't have anymore or less than they did. I didn't tell a whole lot of people that I just sold a home. I didn't want to get robbed or anything. Turns out, it ended up happening. The deadbeat husband with the family that I bailed on, well he stayed in Colorado being a bum while his family was in Missouri. I let him sleep in my car from time to time. In my car, had my dad's jewelry. Gold necklace, a few gold rings... He stole them and hocked them. He stole my cell phone, and a set of tires and rims that I left in Missouri. All for nothing too, if he had stolen my things and bettered his life with it, then I don't care. Rob me fucking blind,if you are going to fix your life. That's a sacrifice I'll take. But he didn't, and he took the last of my dad's things that I had. So there I was in Colorado and the only soul I knew was the guy who I had just started dating a couple weeks ago. He got a job with relief clean up from the flood. So I was just chilling. I had my pug, Rosie on a leash and my cat, Jan in a kitty fabric carrier. I had my back pack with water, snacks, and my recreational tools with me. I would just walk around and take naps in the grass. I'd sit by a creek. Go walk down town. I was just free. It was pretty safe for the most part. I have to say, the worst thing that happened was on one of my first days there. I saw some nerds playing MTG at a table, which was a card game I was familiar with. I join them and before I could even say anything a guy sits by me. He uses my body as a wind shield, leans down and pulls out foil and a straw. I'm in disbelief. Then he exhaled and said, 'It's just meth'. Then he walked away. Shortly after, I left the nerd table to hang out with some other homeless. Another funny story. So, I have my dog Rosie, who was an unbelievably disgusting animal. Nasty mucus filled eyes, a long dry shark skin tongue, that usually had poop stuck to it, because she literally ate shit. So with that horrifing backstory, I would walk around with Rosie and people would ask to take pictures with her. I let about 10 people take them for free. I decided to start charging. I was homeless, so I may as well hustle. This huge black guy with a briefcase come up to me, asks to take a picture of her, and I was like 'what cool thing do you have to trade'? This mother fucker opens up his brief case, that is full of buds of weed, and he throws a handful on the ground. Well that was enough of a payment for me. Never saw him again. Once it got to be October, it was getting pretty cold in Colorado. So we got an apartment in Westminster. Which ended up being the hood. And ya know, we still kept our homeless friends. We would go visit them in the park, or they would come and stay the night. We kept in contact the whole time in Colorado. Those people were 100. And those are the people who most see I'm the sides of the road and look down on them. Honestly most of those people had more money in their pockets then most 40 hour a week workers. I'd say the experience in a whole was humbling. Not just for me but for perspective on other people. I've showered in a homeless shelter. I've ate food from a soup kitchen. I had strangers give me socks and hot dogs, they took time out of their day to give me some comfort. It was a toughening thing too, knowing that I don't need anything or anyone and I'm good. I have it handled. I denied help when I felt like it. Because I knew I had the means if I wanted. I was pretty ghetto at times. I mean, I took sink showers in grocery store bathrooms for shits sake. I highly recommend doing something crazy like this at least one time. The only thing stopping you is you. It is as easy as waking up and giving everything away. Just walking away from everything you know. Right when it is scariest, that's when you jump. Who knows, you may jump into a shit storm, and walk away with less than what you came in with. You may ruin your relationship and be miserable. You may meet the love of your life. You may get pregnant and have the most beautiful baby. Your life may take a complete 180. But wouldn't you rather know what happens? I don't know how anyone could just wonder about these things...jump. It's the best choice I've ever made.

[waxandwanemusic]

Primer #7 - Guided By Voices

The Primer is our column wherein contributors compile a 60 minute playlist of a band near and dear to their heart. Using personal listening anecdotes, notes about specific tracks and a brief overview of each artist, The Primer is both a way for our contributors to trace their musical genealogy and for our readers to gain a new perspective on an artist they may have missed or dismissed.

Installment seven of the Primer series features drummer extraordinaire Joel Kuiper preaching the Gospel of Dayton, Ohio's Guided By Voices.

Be sure to listen to the one hour podcast episode we recorded with Joel about his Guided By Voices Primer.

It must have been early in the summer of 1994 when I first heard about Guided By Voices (Dayton, OH). The source was the now long defunct Grand Rapids area zine "Slak" Magazine. One of it's writers gushed on and on throughout the issue about the bands then new release, "Bee Thousand". He also gushed about seeing them on a side stage at Lollapalooza that year. He described the music as pop rock melodies that sound both timeless and fresh at the same time, and are at once both sophisticated and completely raw. The lead singer was a 4th grade teacher. That did it for me. 

On the occasion of my next trip to East Lansing record shop Flat, Black & Circular (a multi weekly event at this point in my life), I purchased a CD copy of "Bee Thousand". Listening as I drove home, I liked what I heard. The songs were poorly recorded, but had the sheer energy and enthusiasm to easily overcome any fidelity issues. Melody after melody poured effortlessly out of my Subaru wagon's speakers. I could hear The Beatles in there (Robert Pollard is the Blatz to John Lennon's Two Hearted Ale). I could hear R.E.M. in there. 

Even though there were similarities to what I had heard in the past, there was a freedom to this music I had never experienced before. And then came Track 9. "Gold Star For Robot Boy". I remember it clear as day. I was on Foster Street heading south towards Michigan Avenue.  Then Pollard sang - "If I waited for you to signify the moves that I should make - I'll be on the take - Gold Star For Robot Boy - well then that's OK". Genesis 1:1. The heavens opened. I heard it - and it was good. No - actually it was fucking great! 

This had only happened to me once before - when I was 9 years old and heard The Beatles for the first time. But the Beatles record had came from my Aunt Carole - this band was mine. And they still are. 

Guided By Voices are my favorite band. Robert Pollard is my favorite singer. He is my favorite songwriter too. He has written a few. Like over 2000. That is not a typo. And at least1000 of them are good! The fact that Pollard exists at all is the real story. As I mentioned - he was a 4th grade teacher for cryin' out loud. Making music in the basement with his buddies, having trouble getting gigs in his own hometown and releasing record after record of great songs that no one except the band and their families ever heard. (Sound familiar anyone :) ????) As a matter of fact, GBV was about to call it a day on the doorstep of its breakthrough way back in 1993 after a decent 7 year run. 

Then someone sent a tape to Cleveland. And then from Cleveland to NYC. The rest is history. GBV is not The Beatles. Pollard can't lounge in the French Riviera collecting paychecks. But he has carved out a great and lengthy career - which shows no sign of letting up - by doing things his own way and creating great music for himself - whether anyone actually heard it or not - which is endlessly inspiring to a lifelong musician like me. 

When Matty asked me to do this - he told me I had time for an hour long playlist. GBV has 23 proper records - and twice as many EP's and other assorted goodies. And I am not even going to touch Robert Pollard's solo records (He has over 20 of those too). Thousands of songs whittled down to these 26 standouts. Get ready to rock!

Listen to all 26 songs on Joel Kuiper's Guided By Voices Primer in the YouTube playlist below.

1. Over The Neptune/Mesh Gear Fox

Alright Rock N Roll! GBV! GBV! Is anybody ready to rock? This song does not rock. These very words are spoken as this track begins - and you'd better be ready to rock - cuz your gonna. From the arena rock swagger in the songs beginning, to the weird progish middle section through its melodic conclusion, "Over The Neptune/Mesh Gear Fox" is the archetype for what GBV is all about, fitting most of its many influences into just one song. No wonder it clocks in at over 5 minutes which qualifies as an magnum opus for these cats. And yes, the song does rock.

2. Your Name Is Wild

Truthfully I was sold by the title alone ( GBV has the best song titles), but the minute the song kicked in I was hooked by the uber hooky hook. Even though I can still barely figure out what he is singing - the melodies are brilliant and I can't stop mumbling along! 

3. When She Turns 50

Just Bob and an acoustic. Simple and clear recognition of one of the great voices and songwriters in the history of recorded music. And those lyrics...........sigh.....

4. Things I Will Keep

My favorite track from the Ric Ocasek produced Do The Collapse, which was GBV's attempt at major commercial success. Even though "Hold On Hope" and "Teenage FBI" are two of the bands most well known songs - both have been featured on TV shows and in Movies - the band never achieved the success they (or the record company) was hoping for with the release. It still holds up well however.

5. Hank's Little Fingers

Great title. Great execution. Great lyrics (Unless you've got the answers - don't patronize the mountain men". Great Chorus. Totally irresistible. Try and resist. I dare you.

6. Dodging Invisible Rays

As good as Pollard is - and he is that good - his main foil in the early classic years of GBV was one Tobin Sprout - who is himself good enough to shame most songwriters. Despite his thin voice, Sprout shines in all that he does with a gifted sense of melody and song craft as evidenced in this catchy number. He is worthy of his own separate career - and he has achieved just that. Sprout has released multiple impressive and acclaimed solo efforts. Without question Sprout should get his own highlight someday here at Wax & Wane. I'll start begging Matty now. Sprout is also an accomplished and successful painter - he had a gallery in Leland, MI for years and is renowned throughout the world in those art circle thingys.

7. Secret Star

 This was the tightest and most talented lineup GBV has had (so far). Sounding like something The Who could have recorded in the early 70's, the song is complex and compelling. The payoff at the end is sublime. "To wish for you to fall. To wish for you to burn. To wish for your return". 

8. Gold Star For Robot Boy

1:39 of pure bliss. The first time I ever heard it I listened to it 27 times in a row. 

9. If We Wait

One of my favorite Pollard vocals. What he does with the single word "anymore" alone is worthy of rock glory. A genius at work. In the basement.

10. Everyone Thinks I'm A Rain Cloud (When I'm Not Looking)

An easily overlooked (in GBV's massive catalog anyway) gem from the bands last record preceding its 10 year hiatus, which began in 2004. The band toys with the arrangement like the pro's they are and create plenty of magic to accompany Bob who never disappoints. Well almost never. For 90% of bands - this would be the best they have to offer. Its just another day in the office for the Wizard from Dayton.

11. Non-Absorbing

Oh. it's gonna absorb all right. "Do you see me dee dee dee deedeedeedee - Like I see you do do do dodododo" You'll never get it out of your heard again. Ever.

12. Atom Eyes

Tobin strikes again! See what I mean? His damn songs are soooooo good. This one is jangle pop heaven. "There's a million heartstrings ready to fly - let's pull them now" Pull away Sprout!

13. Planet Score

A song reminding us all to go to the record before they are "like the ghosts of Motown you just don't see them anymore" or "like the spectres of L.A. haunting the buildings of New York". One of the best tracks post the reunion of the classic lineup.

14. Indian Fables

This quick 43 second toss-off perfectly illustrates the simple musical magic that ensues when the golden throated Pollard easily whips up yet another charmer.

15. Fly Into Ashes

This is a B-Side on the "Hold On Hope" single. A better song, in my opinion. I can't believe it didn't make the record. GBV's throwaway's are most band's prime rib. Doug Gillard - wunderkind guitarist and musical foil for Pollard in GBV's second act - really shows his mettle here. That guitar solo really flies!

16. Dayton, Ohio 19 Something & Five

Nostalgia never sounded so good. We are not worthy.

17. Little Whirl

A delicious Tobin Sprout rave-up. You can't not like this. "I DON'T CARE! I DON'T CARE"

18. Girls Of Wild Strawberries

Gorgeous. Better than the fruit - but not better than Girls.

19. Echos Myron

Usually coupled with "Yours To Keep" (both are from the seminal Bee Thousand), "Echos Myron" has been a staple of GBV's legendary live shows (The Best live band in America for two decades now) -  and is guaranteed to have the whole house doing the pogo up and down from the first chord. "We're finally here - and shit yeah it's cool!" Bass Player/Lawyer/Wearer of the Striped Pants Greg Demos offers a great final argument as he shreds his way through the last part of the song as rock n roll nirvana is reached.

20. 158 Years Of Beautiful Sex

Sounds good to me. The song is great too. A drum machine never sounded so good. Notice how Pollard drops the bass out of the song at the :54 mark of the song and then brings it back in at 1:04. Are you fucking kidding me? No joke. "Loads of creamy music - and lots of time to make it". Indeed.

21. The Hard Way

In lesser hands this early standout could potentially be just another generic rocker - but when The Prince of Northridge (the Dayton neighborhood Pollard hails from) adds that damn voice of his - it's like when the color hits during The Wizard Of Oz.

22. Not Behind The Fighter Jet

The last song the classic lineup recorded before its 18 year hiatus (1996-2014). Love those keys at the end. Glad it didn't end!

23. Universal Truths & Cycles

The title track of "Universal Truths and Cycles" is a slinky number with a great chorus (aren't they all?) with some standout bass work by Todd Tobias. "And the lost hierarchy of land - and land owners - and down will go back up forever more - I must try to believe this". I believe! Hallelujah I believe!

24. The Other Place

 First song. First record. First classic. Pollard shows us from the very first seconds that he is a force to be reckoned with. Already 30 years old, it is not dated at all and seems even more fresh today than it must have in Dayton in the mid 80's. The first of many Pollard songs that R.E.M. wish they had written. Again - those damn vocals. Sweet lord.

25. Game Of Pricks

Maybe GBV's finest hour. A tale of the death of a relationship that is so damn catchy that the CDC is still working on an antidote some 20 plus years after this rock n roll virus was unleashed. "I climb up on the house - weep to water the trees - and when you come calling me down I put on my disease". Take that Dylan. The band would re-record this for the Tigerbomb EP. While it was recorded better - and had some nice new guitar parts - the original version cannot be matched. This song is so good it inspired at least one book (Perfect From Now On) and just may be the most played song in my personal collection. 

26. The Ascended Master's Grogshop

Sure the title is weird - but the song's melody is devastating. A melancholy masterpiece - that's less than a minute long. Sigh with me.

Joel Kuiper owns and operates a non-emergency medical transport service called Outpatient Express. He also plays drums in The Stick Arounds, Scary Women and Icey-Dicey.