#i am aware that this song is about today’s generation doing better for the ones who died bcuz of the war

[wangxian-the-zhijis]

WangXian x “As You Wish” by Faye Wong

If you are interested in xz’s version:

[etherealsworldvision]

What is a step you can take toward your own well-being?

Before I begin the reading I’d like to take a moment to talk about: Marine Conservation Institute. They’re a non-profit organization working to defend our ocean by advocating for stronger protection and to save the ocean for all of us and future generations. If you’re interested do check them out and if you’d like to further support this organization click donate.

New song discovery for the reading: Elijah Waters - Perfectly Silent

Pile 1 Pile 2 Pile 3

🚨 P.S.A 🚨 : I do not give personal readings!

Added Description: all my readings are timeless and meant to reach those who resonate to the messages.

[ Collective Messages: 234 (or 2:34? I’m not religious but for some reason I got this?); Leaving the past behind; Elevating; Patience; Timing; Learning to walk again; Stumbling; Material abundance; Getting news about material/job offers; Your confirmation is Yes; Positive changes; Water wheel finally turning; Think before speaking; Rainbows and Sunshine. Mars Placements.]

Pile 1

“My head is like a washing machine. Tried to wash away these thoughts, still can’t get clean.”

Cards: 9 of Wands Reversed; Emperor; 10 of Cups Reversed; Empress Reversed; 2 of Hearts; Queen of Clubs; Six of Clubs

[ Messages: Stubborn; Self-Sabotage; Fear of Change; Overthinking; Stagnation; “Just Do It”; Red Sox; Baseball; Taking initiative; Ares; Aries placement; Coffee; Accepting your heart; Janine Teagues; “Things will go wrong whether you’re doing what you want or not. For me, regrets are always harder to live with than consequences. I don’t regret […] living my life to the fullest […] it’ll be alright, trust me.”– Mr. Johnson ( Abbott elementary S3EP14 timestamp 16:10 - 17:08). ]

The first thing standing out to me is your emotional and mental health. You may be experiencing a time where you’re unable to take care of yourself. This isn’t to shame you, I just want to acknowledge that you’re already doing enough. If no one said this to you today; I am so proud of you. Another thing I do want to say is: please reach out to your support system or check in with yourself. Honestly you don’t need to prove anything to be deserving of love and happiness. It’s okay to want and need something that emotionally fulfills you.

I feel like this pile is very independent and an over-thinker which can cause burnout, as well as aiding in self-sabotaging tendencies. For some reason I feel like you may “psych yourself out of it,” meaning you’re so excited about something only to get worried before having a chance. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow but it needs to be said. Self-sabotaging and overthinking is what’s holding you back. You may be experiencing Imposter Syndrome and Control issues as a result.

With the emperor, empress, and queen of clubs here — you are very much qualified to go after what you want. It does look like you're someone who knows what to do, is aware of the things you need, and what you want. I don’t know if it is a job or related to your social life, however, there’s this feeling of being overqualified for something or feeling deserving of more/better.

There is also a confirmation here that things will get better and you will get what you want. However, it is you who decides to go after it. I do recommend looking up books about self-sabotaging or YouTube videos about this topic. If you are in therapy, maybe this is a subject you’d like to bring up?

A good question to ask yourself is: What have I always accepted as true that turned out to be false?

So that’s all I’m getting. I know this reading is short and straightforward. I would like to say thank you for taking your time reading this and I hope this reading resonates with you.

Pile 2

[ Cards: King of Swords; The Devil Reversed; Page of Wands; Queen of Cups; King of Spades; 3 of Hearts; Jack of Diamonds; 5 of Hearts ]

Messages: Retreating; Refuting; Verbally Vindictive; 3H Mars; Leo or Cancer Mars; Fire and Water Placements; Trauma Dumping; Changes in Communication; Online Regina George Trope; Air Signs (Specifically Suns); Birthdays; Online Personality; Healing; Dictator - Rei Ami; YouTube commentary or essays about online ( trends )

I feel a bit overwhelmed when reading this pile. As if I have to be someone I’m not? I feel that social media is really coming in, especially TikTok/Twitter discourses. There’s this sense of having to upkeep and over consume to be considered a: ✨main character✨ otherwise “you’re just not cool and an utterly boring, basic loser, yuck 🤢 🤮, You’re not even a side character yikes.” /J (I am using sarcasm and joking).

For some of you I get the feeling that this could be stemming from social media addiction, others it may be, that you are embodying the online personality. Over all this just feels like a huge weight on your shoulders or a ball and chain on your leg. In an odd way; maybe your phone or whatever you use is home to you? It’s where you can express yourself via feelings, personality, opinions, etc. This is in no way to shame you at all. I also use social media and so does the next person, right?

There’s this need to give yourself a balance again. To double check with yourself on how you’re feeling after using social media. I feel most of you are ready to gain control of your media consumption or at least contemplate the effects it has on you. Taking a step back from social media — maybe trying out a hobby or just reconnecting to something that makes you feel like you may help.

Also if you want YouTube recommendations on over consuming let me know, I can send you the links. The number one takeaway is that it’s okay to be yourself. You being you is main character energy. No amount of products, social media influenced personality, or aesthetics can take that away from you. You are enough, I promise you that. It’s okay to want to change but if you’re feeling influenced by something that isn’t true to you then you might want to ponder on that and ask if that is really what you resonate with.

A good question to ask yourself is: What is one small step I can take today towards a goal that feels out of reach?

That’s all I’m getting for you pile 2! If you stuck around this far I’d like to say thank you so much. I greatly appreciate it and hope you resonate with this reading.

Pile 3

[ Cards: 4 of Cups, Ace of Pentacles Reversed; Five of Pentacles Reversed; Queen of Cups; 9 of Diamonds; 6 of Diamonds; Queen of Diamonds; Ace of Hearts ]

Messages; Open mind and heart; Chihiro by Billie Eilish; Money Growth; Finances; Earth and Water placements; Fear of Missing Out; Take out; Diners; Over consumption; Capitalism; Low Income; 111; Unemployment

( Tw: financial experience and control issues. Disclaimer: for some reason I feel called to talk about my financial experience and how I dealt with this. Maybe you’ll find what you’re looking for in my experience? )

So I had been unemployed for two years then found a job for 3 months then unemployed again for a year. When I tell you, I searched for a job everywhere, I mean everywhere! I applied everywhere and every time. I even tried to save what I could and budget with what I had (I live with my family and occasionally would get money. I understand/am aware of the privilege and support I have. I’m also very grateful and appreciate them)

I yelled at the universe, cried, and had sleepless nights. However, what helped me (besides living with my family) through this tough time is to focus on things I can control while applying for jobs. That’s what honestly made me stay afloat. So maybe this is what can help you during this trying time?

Finding a (free) third place meaning: the park, public library, or just a walk may help ease a bit of tension. Sometimes journaling or confiding with someone will help as well. Doing something that helps you remain in the present and eases the anxiousness could help. I know this may not be what you were looking for and I wish I can give you financial advice but that is not my forte.

There is only so much control we have when it comes to finances and it is certainly not a lesson from the universe or it’s not happening to you or happening for you. I don't care what they say, it is not a lesson! It is just an unfortunate situation to be in, it just is. Like yes you can learn from it but it is not something (pre)destined or “contract” written. It just happens and we live in late stage capitalism. That’s me being real with you.

So yeah, I’m sorry for the little tangent. What I am getting is to fill your emotional cup for the meantime. Yes, do what you need to do with your finances; finding a job or to save/budget money whatever you can do to the best of your abilities.

You just have to remember to do things that are within your control and to not neglect your emotional/mental health. If singing, drawing, talking, or simple things like cloud watching helps you stay present and makes you feel in control then by all means do that.

I’m not saying to use escapism but I am saying to do your best to emotionally check in with yourself from time to time. Also if you have a support system do talk with them or be around them. A good question to ask yourself is: “Who do I feel most myself around? Why?”

This is all that I’m getting for the reading. I hope this reading resonates. Again, I am so sorry if I made things worse or didn’t help! Please remember to check in with yourself — take care :)

[cowboywritersworld]

Making you feel like a princess

General Masterlist | AEW Masterlist | Hangman Adam Page Masterlist

Prompt: 05. Hurt/comfort from Flufftober 2024 by @thepenultimateword

Thanks to @madhatterbri for the idea, because I was going crazy 😂

Summary: Y/N was supposed to get married the year before. Maybe her fiance cheated, etc. Adam (I'm assuming it's him?) Takes her out for the whole day to lift her spirits.

One year... It is one year since you should be happily married. Exactly one year ago you were ready to get to the altar and marry the man of your dreams, but a major car accident has taken him away from you.

One year and you can't still forget him. In one year, many things have changed for you, but you still aren't doing progresses on the pain. You sigh as you try to eat breakfast at the hotel, that particular day is hard on you and luckily you don't have a match that evening.

"Y/N?" A male deep voice distraughts you from your thoughts, making you look up at who is talking to you.

"Morning Adam." You smile tiredly at him. "Sit down if you want." You both have grown closely, he is a very handsome man and if only you could get over that loss, Adam could be something more than a friend.

"How are you feeling, y/N? I'm always here for you." He sits down in front of you, looking at your features.

"Horrible." You say blatantly. "Have hardly slept. Good thing I'm not on the show tonight." You take a bite of your pancakes, knowing you need to eat.

"Why don't you come with me? It's a surprise, but afterwards we can do everything you want." He asks you gently. "Comfy clothes that you don't care if they get dirty."

You perk up your head at his words. "You know you don't have to Adam, right? I don't want to be a burden or ruin the day by being sad." You look down at your plate, sighing.

"I can't make your pain go away, but maybe I can help you relieve it just for today." Adam ruffles your hair, smiling. "Meet me at the hall of the hotel in 30 minutes, you won't regret it."

When you finally join him, he has his cowboy boots and hat on and is holding a basket, with the keys of his rental car in the other hand. In the car you both stay silent, only the songs coming from the radio being what makes noise.

Your eyes get wide when you notice the ranch with many horses.

"Are we going to ride a horse?" You ask, excited. You love horses ever since you are three years old.

"Exactly. We'll stop in a small cute place and have a picnic. When we get back we can go anywhere you want, Y/N."

He pays for both, helping you to get on the horse you chose, even though you don't really need help, but you find it cute. When he is ready, you ride off, enjoying the sunny weather, the Fall scents which surrounds you, especially when you go through the forest. Being a wrestler, you rarely have time to be on a horse, but there you are and for some moments you forget everything else; it is only you, Adam and your two horses. You ride for about an hour, before you stop on a clearing, from where you can see the whole city.

"This place is wonderful, Adam." You help him set up for the picnic, sitting then with your head against his shoulder.

"I don't get to come here very often, but I thought you would like it." He places a hand on your arm, caressing it slowly.

"This smell, this view, the sound of the animals..." You sigh, closing your eyes.

"We can stay here how much you want, even in silence. Just know that I am always ready to listen."

Adam sure is sweet, but you still aren't ready to open yourself fully to him. He is aware of what happened on this day one year ago, so you don't need to explain anything. You keep chatting about everything and nothing, eating the lunch he has bought for both of you, riding back in the afternoon. It has been a while since you had even just a bit of fun just like that, surely work doesn't really help, but right now you feel so much better.

"Do you think we can go to the movies after?" You ask with bambi eyes, chuckling when he rolls his eyes.

"Of course we can do that, this day is all for you."

[factcheckingmclennon]

Can you fact check This One being about John? It's an interpretation that really annoys me because I think it just comes from one rambling answer about relationships in general where he vaguely connects John and George's relationship to the song and not one where he's saying anything meaningful about his and John's relationship. I love the song and it's so outside of my interaction with it that I find the way it's accepted as McLennon fact really hard. But maybe there's a source out there I'm not aware of

oh i can answer this one immediately bc i am one of those believers (sorry anon, sob) & probably one of the folks who has annoyed you w this over on my main

but my answer is the same as it will be with pretty much Any lyric interpretation (unless it's a song that's like obviously and blatantly and said a million times to be about the other, like "here today" or "how do you sleep?") which is...

bc ultimately, as fans, we are all going to have our own interpretations of songs and that's fine! i mean, people shouldn't be repeating it as hard fact, but at the same time sometimes u just gotta breathe out & let people interpret how they will. (like i, for one, don't think "dear boy" is about john, but it's not my business if someone thinks it is)

so i will say now (& it is in my pinned, a bit), unless there's some definitive answer on a lyrics based fact-check (like, again, "here today" or "how do you sleep?"), my answer is pretty much Always gonna be neutral. but i will do on any of these types of questions is try & find both sides of the interpretation as well as any quotes from john/paul/others on the song.

so let's get into it ! i'll present both sides & try to remain as unbiased as possible but do know i Am one of the people that thinks it's about john and it's okay that you're not and it's fine that i am. we are all living in peace and harmony and mclennon here lmao

so here's the quote in question (which i'm sure you know, but for everyone else):

Interviewer: Let me ask you about one of your new songs, ‘This One’. About a marriage? Paul: A relationship, yeah. Interviewer: And about not expressing emotions and feelings.  Paul: You get those moments where you always think; "I’m saving it up. I’ll tell him one day." And you know what happens. A lot of people, John for instance, getting back to that subject. He died. Um.. I was lucky. The last few we- months that he was alive we’d managed to get our relationship back on track. We were talking, having real good conversations. Real, nice and friendly. George, actually, didn’t get get his relationship right. I think they were arguing ‘till the end, which I’m sure is a source of great sadness to him. And I’m sure in the feeling of this song that George was always planning to tell John he loved him, but time ran out. That’s what the song’s about. Like, there could never be a better moment than this one. Y’ know now. Take this moment to say… "I love you."

(source) (again, an archived blog, but it's audio so i'm using it as a legit source)

argument for it being about john

well, to start with, paul immediately answers with "i'll tell him one day" which, regardless of if it's about john, is a very blatantly queer answer. maybe a slip of the tongue, who knows, but there's not much question at the least that this song is romantic. so paul saying it's about a "him" is very interesting, even if it's not john. (edit: given the youtube video linked below, it can also be heard as "them". i still don't hear "them" or think it's continuous, but that is one interpretation & hearing of this interview and it's a valid one!)

second, he does connect it to george and john's relationship, but he does it in a way that's just again connecting the song to him and john. he says "i'm sure in the feeling of this song that george (...etc)" which is just him saying he thinks george can relate to the feeling of the song.

and ofc back to the beginning of the quote, right after saying "i'll tell him one day" he says "a lot of people, john for instance (...)" which is just connecting that sentence to john. he goes on to say they got their relationship right, but then at the end loops back around to saying the song is about regretting not saying "i love you", which we know from "here today" and other paul quotes he does deeply regret not saying to john. so an Entire Song about that regret is not like. unfeasible to be about john.

i will say, i at least think this song is about more than one thing. he says here it's about that type of relationship he had with john (or the nebulous "him" who i mean. who else would that be? tara?) and then he does also talk about how he had fun w the storytelling w the word play on "this swan" and the hindu imagery. (edit: also with the full context of the youtube video below, this is even more relevant, because paul also talks about family and a "her". imo, it's more than likely a song about many people/relationships. some people think that one of those is john, myself included!)

argument for it not being about john

like you said, it is a bit of a rambling answer! and saying it's about john IS just an interpretation. paul saying "him" could've been a slip of the tongue, or maybe he had some other romantic relationship with a man we're not privy to, or maybe he did completely mean all those lines platonically and it's about various men he's been friends with or even john in a platonic way.

he does also connect the song to george and john, so it could be about that. i've also seen someone posit that here he is trying to reach out to george in his own way- thinking george must have the same regrets as him with john & thus this is his attempt to repair that relationship before they have those regrets with each other too.

and ofc, it could just be a totally hypothetical song. he never says it's about his own life, and he does include a lot of fictional imagery about a swan in this song. he could just be telling a story he doesn't necessarily relate to.

edit: there is also a full youtube video (time mark for part of this interview comes at 59:51). in the video, paul also mentions parents as someone you might regret not telling how you feel. following another edited clip, he says the "I’m saving it up. I’ll tell him/them one day," line, which can also be read as a "them" referring to parents rather than a "him". he also mentions a "her" in this interview as well, which adds credence to the fact that this song is about many types of relationships/people and this doesn't necessarily mean it's about john at all. or that if it is, it's romantic, since he mentions parents as well.

[thehypnone]

Mushy May Day 15. Standing up for them - Dew/Everyone

WC: 1065

Copia makes a mistake by yelling at Dewdrop.

Notes: Sorry I made Copia an asshole, needed to for this one, I am (typically) team Copia loves his ghouls. It also doesn’t match the prompt that well, but it was actually a neglected wip and I wanted to make it work with today’s prompt.

Read under the cut or on AO3.

Today’s practice was going totally and absolutely awful.

At first only for Dewdrop, but his sour, upset scent started affecting everyone, as well as that new fucking Cardinal and all his speeches and reprimands.

Dewdrop, who had a serious fucking issue to deal with, having undergone a whole elemental change barely two weeks prior, could barely stand or think, so very far from recovering. 

Yet the Cardinal didn’t care.

There was no doubt about his stand, that being he was an ignorant asshole, as he conducted the elemental changing ritual on Dewdrop himself and was well aware of his both mental and physical fragile, at best, state.

“Ghoul, did you practise even a minute in the last weeks?” the Cardinal hissed, just as Dewdrop’s fingers fumbled over the frets in one of the newer song’s solo, again. It was, approximately, the third time he yelled at the poor ghoul in the span of the last fifteen minutes, and Dew was on the verge of breaking down. ”Do you seriously care so little about the upcoming tour and-”

“Shut your fucking mouth already!” Aether growled, or more like screamed growling, and the whole room went quiet, filled with a buzz of the amps only.

“Ghoul, how dare you speak to me-” the Cardinal said after getting over his total shock at Aether’s outburst. Not only the human was shocked, all the ghouls were, Dewdrop the most.

Aether never got angry.

Aether never yelled.

“First of all, I have a name, you know,” the quintessence ghoul announced, putting his guitar down and slowly approaching the Cardinal. “We all do, actually, and the least you could do is fucking learn them.”

The Cardinal was now terrified, realising that an actual Hell Beast, a demon, was mad at him. While it would spur on any other ghoul, Aether didn’t care about the human’s fear, he wanted him to understand.

“Second of all, Dewdrop here,” Aether motioned his head in Dew’s general direction, not breaking eye contact with the Cardinal, “was fucking destroyed by you, your stupid idea, because for some reason you thought that a water ghoul just couldn’t play lead. You have zero idea what you did, stupid human.”

The quintessence ghoul was now towering over the Cardinal, his barred fangs just mere inches before his face. He could rip his throat out in a moment, and everyone present knew that perfectly well. The rest of the ghouls abandoned their instruments, ready to aid their packmate should it be needed.

“You better not expect me, or Dewdrop to do fucking anything for you, you filthy rat,” Aether hissed having his hands clasped behind his back, barely containing himself from actually killing the man. “And when you realise we are not your tools, your toys, then maybe, just maybe, we can cooperate someday. For now, don’t you fucking dare even look in Dewdrop’s direction again, or you won’t look at anything else ever again, as I will claw out your disgusting eyes.”

Aether straightened then, the Cardinal shaking, frozen in place. The Quintessence ghoul turned on his heel, getting back to Dew. He stood mouth agape and eyes wide at this display of Aether’s protectiveness over him, his love for him, holding back tears. He took the bigger ghoul’s outstretched hand and let himself be guided out of the rehearsal room.

The Cardinal partially regained his composure after a few minutes, the rest of the ghouls still not moving from their spots, “I- I think the rest of us should-”

“Fuck, you’re such an idiot,” Swiss laughed, getting down from his platform, predatory spark in his eyes and all his shiny fangs on full display. “You’re gonna get yourself killed, if not by Aeth, then me.”

Swiss shook his head at the human’s stupidity and walked up to Rain, grabbing his hand to get to the door. 

“Be careful around the water, now,” the water ghoul leaned down to whisper into the Cardinal’s ear as they walked past him. “You never know who commands it.”

And then both Swiss and Rain were gone, the Cardinal’s heart beating so loud he barely heard the threat. He was still stuck in place when the two air ghoulettes moved from behind the keyboards, walking down the stairs in his direction.

“You don’t even realise how easy it would be for you to suffocate in your sleep, do you?” Cirrus growled, head tilted to the side, sparks of rage in her yellow eyes.

“Would be a terrible shame,” Cumulus sighed, gifting the Cardinal with the sweetest smile.

And then they were gone too.

The Cardinal let out a breath he didn’t really realise he was holding, forgetting about one of the ghouls lingering in the shadows of the practice stage. He turned his back to it, frantically wiping his face with his hand, as if it could wake him up from this dream-like event.

He didn’t notice the earth ghoul creeping up behind him until a massive hand on his throat turned him back around.

Mountain lifted the Cardinal up, just enough that he barely kept his toes on the ground, and he still had 20 inches on the human, partially letting go of his glamour.

“You choose your next steps very wisely now, Cardinal,” the earth ghoul hissed, eyes glowing bright green. “Don’t think about running with it to Imperator. She cannot send us back to Hell all at once and believe me, I will not hesitate to turn the whole Abbey to sand if either you or anyone else even thinks about doing something to hurt any of my pack. You live on credit after what you did to Dewdrop, and the next mistake will be your last.”

Mountain squeezed the Cardinal’s throat just enough for him to lose consciousness for a moment, and dropped him to the floor, himself leaving the room.

He made his way to the common room, coming across an already formed cuddle pile, Dew being squeezed between Aether and Rain in the middle. Mountain knelt before the small ghoul overwhelmed with the love his pack had for him, and cupped his cheek with one of his hands, “You’re safe, Dewdrop.”

“We won’t let anyone hurt you anymore, you know,” Rain whispered into his ear, the little ghoul chirping happily.

“I know,” he sighed. “Thank you. For standing up for me and protecting me.”

“Always,” six ghouls replied.

[charlie-ver]

Sirens (:

disclaimer under the cut-off in case someone wants to be the person to say "OH THIS PISSES ME OFF YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A SIREN IS"

Please note that making my sirens "fish" was a decision based upon the fact that I have cryptids and creatures with feathers & wings already heavily present in my characters' universes, but no sea-related ones. Also if you want to argue about "original", Homer did not describe Sirens in the Odyssey. I am also aware that Sirens are alluded to not actually eat people, and do not create illusions but lure men with their song only. So you don't have to tell me how wrong I am for my depiction, this was a deliberate decision on my part.

I could be wrong, but while the bird body & maiden's head was a depiction later on, I believe that came from Ovid, and not Homer. The fish-people then was when Christians took over the myths if I have the correct information, and that's what we have today.

So just in case you are itching to tell me that I am uneducated or stupid, yes, I know, and I don't care, fish-people simply fit better and that's what the common man will think of anyway. Yes, I was influenced by Epic, but these Sirens tie into lore-related plots where one of the main characters sails the sea in order to retrieve his partner. Making a sea creature was a pretty convenient thing, and why not a Siren. I like designing merfolk in general. The lore here would really be that someone calls them Sirens *due* to the mistake myth, but it catches on, so nobody else bothers to change the terminology. This does happen in real life (: We people do this.

[shame-is-a-wasted-emotion]

OK I think I have to talk about this to someone.

You guys might have seen me "joking" around that I have undiagnosed ADHD. For those of you who are not aware of it, ADHD refers to Attention Deficit and Hyperactive Disorder. It's a neurodivergent condition which is usually diagnosed at early childhood or generally in childhood when parents or teachers or anyone notices. Undiagnosed conditions can lead to difficulty in adulthood. And adults still can get diagnosed with that.

So I'm going to try to explain what I'm going through and I hope someone who is diagnosed with ADHD can say if my points are valid.

I don't come under hyperactive side of ADHD though my mind is always restless and thinks of thousand things. Imagine going through a panic situation or you are searching for something seriously, and at the same time, "What is this feeling" run in your mind. Oh it's not just one song, my mind is more of a jukebox/DJ mixer

I forget much of things (I'm typing this now cause I just forgot once What to type). It may be the smallest things from a simple command to big things. Once I misplaced my drivers license in my room and found it after a year. I forget immediately after I place an object somewhere. Or any command. If you think that I act out of being a rebel, I forget my things too (I almost forgot about the secret Santa writing).

Ive always been a silent kid. I never open my mouth. But I'm realizing in recent times that I am more of an impulsive person. I talk shit and I apologise. I just angry so much and I burst out. Or I cry and breakdown. I couldn't control my emotions whatsoever. Yesterday, I actually was anxious the whole day and I had to keep myself in my room. My parents think that I'm being a rebel and an asshole and disrespecting them. They don't realize that I'm pushing myself everyday to do things and I actually need help.

I am not attentive most of the times. I do things under pressure. I couldn't be organized anyway. If you see my room, you would run off. My clothes are never folded. I just keep them randomly ,with so much of wrinkle. I'm really suffering with studying and other things and I actually cried out today cause I passed my internals in a subject and I don't have to write it again. Also I have major issues of not attending classes if I feel so down.

I feel so depressed and it's always in episodes. I'm always exhausted and in pain (my backache and mind ache). I really want to feel energetic and bloomy for the day. Especially me being a medical student is a big bane.

I couldn't "change" myself for better. My parents are saying that I'm getting rotten and spoiled and I'm behaving badly. They have to keep reminding things and I get pissed off at certain times cause I don't have good relationship with parents. Let's just say that I am being silent with the whole purpose of preserving their purpose till I get independent financially and I finally hit them with reality check.

I always feel unmotivated and people actually wonder if I'm crazy for saying that I need motivation to watch movies, series and books for leisure. I watch very selected media and many a times I just leav them hanging in the middle cause I forgot or I not interested in general.

I have very low self confidence and my parents are not helping with it. They just keep making it worse and I actually don't care about my clothing choice , hair or any other normal things. I just feel like a zombie or a mannequin.

I couldn't maintain relationship with anybody . No body finds me appealing and in 5 minutes, they quit conversations. I have no friends, no love, no relationships and I am distant from my parents. It won't be long to see my parents leaving on my own sooner. I don't have a raging social life and I always confine myself to my room,

I guess covered much although I know I've forgotten a few things. Does anybody relate to these? I'm living in India and I'm broke as fuck. I can't even get diagnosed and treated or helped without my parents knowing about it. I really want to improve and I don't want to end up killing myself. I want to live a happy life and I know I have a purpose for my life. Someone help me , please. Also help me reblog this to much people and help me reach to right people.

[crimsonshadesblog]

Something fun I've been rolling around in my head today is how much exactly Sieten't hates Orologia.

Does he blame them for everything that went wrong in his life? Is he upset that they went to such lengths to ensure a timeline where their favorite person the Singularity happens to be doing well? Is he holding grudges for the people who were sacrified on the altar of the golden timeline, on the suffering that was deemed necessary in order to facilitate the wedge's wishes?

The wedge who is anything but infallible.

The wedge who is painfully aware of the blood on their hands and feels horrible about the choices they made, but had to make for the sake of extending the lifespan of the world.

I wonder how much of his situation he ended up blaming on them, even if those things weren't their fault. Or if he had accepted his life being the way it was until he found out about Seofon, whose life had taken turns for the better. Who was given opportunities that Sieten't had never had, who was allowed to become what he never could. Who is allowed to exist while Sieten'ts timeline was purged and locked in the boundary.

Do you think he'd go after them if he got the opportunity to, to claim revenge? Would he at least claim he's doing it for all the simulated timelines they carelessly tossed aside because they didn't give them the results they were hoping for? Or would he be open about being spiteful and vengeous? Would he want to reclaim his place in the timeline by usurping Seofon's or is he just out to burn everyone else's chance at a happy life because he was denied his? Because he has spent so long convincing himself that he doesn't need other people and all he wants to do is reset the world to fix all its wrongs?

It made me think about Mephiles, a boss in Shadow Generations, who was the big bad of Sonic 06 and that game basically retconned itself out of existence in the end, leaving Mephiles to never have existed. He seems aware of this in SxS Generations, because when he's beaten in the end he says, begs "I want to exist" before being denied that fervent plea. Even if he would have used whatever chance were given to him to bring about suffering, the heartfeltness of that desperation got to me.

...I've also been listening to Hell To Your Doorstep while pondering this, so of course I've been gravitating more towards Sieten't burning with an incandescent rage and overcome by the desire to murder Orologia especially, the second he gets his hands on them. Fancying himself the avenger of all those lives and happy moments that were sacrificed to get the present moment when really, he's just upset about having been denied himself. Even if his timeline was doomed anyway. It's always so much easier to have a convenient scapegoat ready, after all.

There's a bunch of the lyrics of the song that work with this scenario, including the ones alluding to his god complex.

Another great song for this scenario, that also happens to start with the word Hell is Hell's Coming With Me, which also works. Especially the best part, I am the righteous hand of God/ And I am the devil that you forgot. If you serve the Boundary God, or at least pretend to, are you not the hand of God, indeed? Can you not picture Sieten't approaching Orologia and taking off his hood and they experience horrors untold when they recognize a version of the man they worked so hard to reduce the threat level of? The version of him they had hoped never to see again after watching him slaughter their brethren in cold blood? Someone who was banished to the boundary and managed to come back?

I just think that would be cool.

[mybabydenkikaminari]

Nine People I'd Like To Get to Know Better

Tagged by: @agayprince (Thanks for tagging me, this was fun :D)

Last song: Habit from Sekai no Owari

Favourite Colour: Purple in all her variants

Last movie/TV show:

Luca: I love my gay fish as much as the next one, and considering that they became canonically gay like 3 days ago I wanted to rewatch my babes fall in love again <3

Little Witch Academia: And I freaking fucking love it!!!! The old lesbian vibes from Chariot and Croix were amazing, and in general, I love a good soft anime that fills me with joy and happiness

Last Book: Tampoco pido tanto de Megan Maxwell: And honestly I like it a lot, less than “A que estas esperando?” another book that is related to this one (by the way I read it in the wrong order, but it is what it is). Anyway it was a good read, nothing life-changing but very entreating, spicy, and fun, but be aware that this woman writes the best stories in the worst style possible (and I mean it, it's so frustrating, but the stories are worth it - most of the time at least - DON’T READ “BIENVENIDA AL CLUB CABRONAS SIN FRONTERAS”, the main protagonist is the worst and is really not worth it)

Sweet/spicy/savoury? I like all of them

Relationship status: Dating my beloved BF

Last thing I googled: Lucas OT, because my friend showed me Gala 5 from OT 2023 (if you don’t what it is, it’s a singing contest very famous in Spain that now is being held on Amazon Prime. There are like 16 people, most of the time similar in age, and they are isolated from the world for the duration of the contest or when they are being eliminated. The thing is that they are being watched by cameras all the time and every day they practice or do a masterclass and every Monday they perform and someone is sent home until there is one left. For me, the most international thing somewhat similar is RuPaul's Drag Race, but most of the time it's have been very heteronormative). I never had any interest in it BUT this year has turned out to be the lesbians and gays year and what can I say? It’s juicy to not get into it (I have the feeling that I will get it over soon but not sure) and I'm rooting for the relationship between Jaunjo and Martin because they are too cute together. 

Current obsession:  I have to main obsession which I burn too fast - you know ADHD live - but at the date of today I have regained my obsession for my beloved babe fish, aka Luca I have my new obsession with OT and I’m still somewhat invested in Little Witch Academia, but I’m losing interest every day. Also, these last few days I have regained my obsession for Han and Gisele from Fast and Furious (it’s a long story that I will get into another day) and Damianya because my babies. BUT I have been thinking a lot about Jess Mariano (Gilmore Girls) and writing an essay about why he is the best and I am going to dive deep into my Kamijirou (Denki Kaminari and Kyoka Jirou from Boku No Hero Academia - yes the Tumblr name comes from there) rabbit hole as every January since 2021 (it may have been instigated by my mom’s boyfriend gifting me the figures of both of them)

Tag Nine People: @clarixeon @sidsinning @spatziline @class1akids @thel0llip0p @lllluka @fangirlamongstotherthings @habken @frava8

(Feel free to answer or not, you choose)

[linaket]

Monthly Writing Update (February)

A slow January led to... a crazy quick February. I can't even believe its over, and I definitely dragged in my writing this month. Honestly, even sitting here all I have is a vague sense of what even happened this month.

I was promoted at work right at the beginning of the month, and spent a lot of time stressing over the drama and dynamics around that change this month. It even changed my shift schedule. I was working four days a week, ten hour shifts, and able to set aside an entire day for writing a week. My new position doesn't allow for that schedule, but while this is the first week in about two years that I'm back to working 5 days a week (and... six in a row on the first week) I spent most of my days off this month once again getting the house in order, and just being a general nervous mess about things...

Books Read

Untethered Sky by Fonda Lee

Jade City and Jade War by Fonda Lee (guess it was a Fonda kinda month?)

Hell Followed With Us by Andrew Joseph White

Four books at least meets the minimum of my (kinda unofficial) reading goal, even though I was pretty lucky this was a leap month because I only just finished Jade War today.

While I'm quite enjoying the Green Bone Saga, I've found something about it doesn't connect with me on a personal level, as a reader. Perhaps it is the POV that it is written in, but I am not getting the emotional connection that I often crave with books that truly sit with me. I'm absolutely going to finish it, and recommend it for anyone who wants to write epic fantasy. But I do think every book can teach a writer something new, and what I've been learning from this one is that I want to be more aware of the emotional stakes of my characters, and making that aspect more active in the narrative.

That being said, Untethered Sky? knocked it out of the park. Likely due in part to it being a novella, so everything was far more condensed. But 12/10 either way.

Writing Accomplishments

Honestly I am fighting the failure feeling just trying to type up this paragraph... basically, I tried to work on the extra for Shadow's Prey but ended up dropping it. I will likely still be aiming to release the ebook, but it will probably just be a very quiet release. It's mostly done and edited, but I don't think I'll be able to include an extra like originally intended. I started working on something, and MT kept singing its siren song and distracting me.

Also, I got art of the boys now! I'm excited to share it, and make some fun things for them.

That said, I did at least manage to finish something...

Favorite Excerpt

Valor told himself that it was better, that Ruse’s consistent prattling and teasing was an irritating distraction. But he couldn’t stop looking over at him. Though Ruse squinted against the brightness of the sun, the gaudy sunglasses hung on the collar of his shirt, stretching the already worn fabric. The bruises on his neck from the confrontation in Petra had faded over the last few days, gone from deep purple to a mottled yellow along the pale column of his throat. It was better that Ruse had gotten quiet. Better that he kept his gaze away, that he wouldn’t look at Valor. Every minute, every moment that Ruse didn’t look at him, didn’t focus his depthless attention on Valor, didn’t say anything, didn’t make a sound, was better because it meant that Valor didn’t have to think about what his hair would feel like between his fingers, what his throat would taste like under his lips. He could ignore the fact that he wanted to drown in Ruse, press his mouth against him and never come up for air. Valor tightened his grip on the steering wheel and went over the plan. Take Ruse into the Graves, retrieve the part for Jarl Nero’s scryer, and trade for information on the location of Noble Marek.  Then he’d find his father, and he’d kill his father. 

On Loop

Abe Parker - it is what it is

You're walking on the water that I'm drowning in Thought I heard a whisper, was it just the wind again Or the trail of blood I'm following? And if I'm the one to blame I guess all that I could say It is, it is, it is what it is All the things I couldn't change I lay with someone else's sins Let my soul just fly away All the way up to Heaven's light I pound those gates with no reply

Final Thoughts

I wish I had done more, and I also wish I could stop being hard on myself about this. It's no good. I am not nearly as hard on myself for not doing what I thought I should as I used to, but that's something really hard to shake, even if it doesn't help anything.

That said, it was a bit of a tough and strange month for me. I felt like I was dragging myself through each day, even dragging myself through reading. And while I did manage to at least finish some writing, I simply did not have the energy for anything more.

Hoping that I get used to this new schedule quickly. My work days feel much shorter now, since I'm used to the longer ones, and I've had more energy after. Also the position I took, while it was a promotion, is less stressful than the one I've been working. At least, so far. We'll see how the month shapes up. I am always far more productive, writing and other things wise, when I'm not carrying the work stress around, so. I'm hoping for the best here.

March Goals

Read 4 books again, and I've got a pretty good idea of what they'll be and excited about it, so at least I won't get struck by some kind of decision paralysis with that.

Release Shadow's Prey: Act 1 ebook! Yeah, it's still on goal for next month, despite that I wish I had it completely ready now. Really, its just final touches and me figuring out some of the technical details that need to be done. And like I said before, it'll probably be a very quiet release. I'll probably make a few posts about it after its up, but mostly its just to get it out there. I'm not really promoting the heck out of this one because, well... it's already tested with audiences. Probably the wrong audience, but it has been tested and it was difficult to get interest/attention, which is a fault of mine. I am NOT GREAT at marketing. And while I'm very happy with and proud of it, I know the work I'll have to do to really draw an audience to it. Especially considering the... not good at marketing thing. I have been researching and keeping an eye out for ideas and being practical about what it takes and what to do, but the task itself takes a lot of energy from me and I simply can't do that in time for a release. But I'm tired of simply sitting on all these books and doing nothing with them.

For Mortal Teeth, I need to finish the next arc. It's actually only two more chapters. This is a bit of a low goal, but I want to make sure I set something that I know I can do without feeling awful. Especially since these were supposed to be done last month.

Maybe a stretch goal of releasing character intros/aesthetics for the MT boys?

[sesshy380]

No official wordcount today. Instead you get new chapter of TKB 2nd chance! I feel it's the least I can do to commemorate the One Year passing of our beloved fandom creator, Kazuki Takahashi. Without his imagination, fics like mine wouldn't exist.

I have drifted away from the prior title I came up with. It was good, but just didn't feel like it related enough to this particular story. New title that I feel fits far better. It's a line from 'Scars' by Papa Roach. The song in general fits the tone of several characters in the story.

Also, I am going to bump the rating to Mature+, mainly for language and possible content. If I make it to the end and feel that I managed to keep things within the realm of Teen+, then I'll drop it back down. I just know how I can get sometimes when it comes to describing things.

New Title: Our Scars remind Us that the Past was Real

Rating: Mature+

Chapter Warnings: Mild descriptives of burn trauma/scarring (and how it was treated), Malik acting very YGOTAS (not so much a warning, but a heads-up so no one yells at me for playing off that scene...you know the one)

Summary: Imagine waking up, and everyone is trying to convince you that the things you 'remember' never happened, and that those 'memories' exist only in YOUR head. The Thief King doesn't have to imagine...because that's exactly what happened. -or- The Thief King get's a second chance at life (Yay! I came up with a summary! Still a WiP, but it works for the time being.)

Wordcount: 1653

Chapter 3 below the cut!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chapter 3: Scars ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bakhure gave an impressed whistle to his surroundings.

“We’re fucking loaded, aren’t we?” he asked as Atem led them through the halls of their manor.

“Better off than most,” Atem replied casually.

“Pha-...Atem…I think ‘better off than most’ is an understatement.”

Calling the Pharaoh by name was weird.

“Perhaps you’re right,” Atem commented as he took a closer look at the decor. “I know both Ryou and Ren looked surprised the first time they came here.”

Bakhure shuddered at the mentioning of ‘Ren’. Whether it was because of his own twisted recollection, or something else entirely, he knew ‘Ren’ was someone he didn’t like.

“Question? If I have this issue with ‘forgetting’, why am I attending school? Seems counterproductive to send me to a place where the whole point is to remember stuff.”

“For starters, it’s what you wanted. Your therapist thought perhaps it would help. Think of it as a focus of sorts. The University staff is aware of your condition, so they cut you a lot of slack.”

“Uni-...I’M IN COLLEGE??!?!?!”

Atem nodded his head.

“How the fuck did I get into college??!?”

“Like I said, we’re better off than most,” Atem replied with a small smirk. “Plus there was something about ‘helping with diversity rating’.”

“I bet they’re loving the fact that I’m both handicapped and a minority,” Bakhure grumbled.

Atem failed to suppress a small chuckle as he stopped beside a door.

“Time to say ‘hello’ to the twins, Malik and Amir.”

He opened the door, where Amir sat leaning back in a chair with his feet propped up on a table. Next to him, arms folded across his chest, stood Malik. They appeared to be in the middle of some sort of argument that had been interrupted by Bakhure and Atem stepping into the room.

Malik glared at Bakhure. “Before you say anything: ‘yes’ I’m a boy, ‘no’ I'm not gay, ‘yes’ I’m sure.” He pointed sharply to Amir. “He’s the gay one. Not me.”

‘GAY’ Amir mouthed while poking a subtle finger in Malik’s direction.

“I saw that!” Malik shouted while rounding on Amir, fist pulled back in preparation to strike.

“You’re not?” Bakhure questioned, feigning disappointment. “So that steamy make-out session didn't really happen?”

Malik’s gaze slowly turned back towards him, eye twitching. “No. It didn't.”

Bakhure had to fight hard to suppress the grin that wanted to form. He'd made that part up, but based on Malik’s reaction, it had. He was going to have a lot of fun with that bit of info.

“Oh, sorry. Gets a little jumbled in here,” he said while tapping a finger on the side of his head.

“Yes. It does,” Malik replied through gritted teeth.

“So, from what I’ve gathered Amir is security or something…but what about you?” Bakhure questioned, gesturing a finger towards Malik as he tried to piece things together. 

“I’m just extremely annoyed at having to go through this bullshit on a near-weekly basis,” Malik stated in a blunt manner.

“The Ishtar family has always worked closely alongside ours in one way or another,” Atem explained, subtly glaring at Malik.

Malik scoffed. “That's the polite way of saying 'we work for you'...meaning I do shit to make your life easier. Honestly, that’s all you need to know about me.”

The smallest hint of a smirk formed on Bakhure’s face. "Wow, you seem to have a lot of pent up anger. Maybe you should see someone about it," he teased. "They can probably help with your closet situation too."

Malik puffed up, taking offense to the jest. "I don't need to see some quack like you do! And I don't need fashion advice!"

Atem covered his face while letting out an exasperated sigh. “Every. Single. Time.” He lowered his hand while releasing another heavy sigh. “Could you please refrain from antagonizing Malik?”

Bakhure revealed the grin that he’d kept hidden. “Sorry. It’s just too easy. He’s exactly the person I remember. Maybe next time I ‘forget’, you should send him in first.”

“Why? So you can bury your fist in my face again? I don’t think so,” Malik replied bitterly. “Amir can have that pleasure.”

Bakhure opened his mouth to retort when a very tense Atem grabbed him by the shoulders and directed him towards the door. “I think that’s enough re-introduction. Let’s go find Rishid.”

Once they were back in the main hall, and the door closed behind them, Atem relaxed. As before, he motioned for Bakhure to follow.

“For the duration of your current ability to remember, I am begging you, do not antagonize Malik. His mood towards you has been extremely sour these past few months."

“For someone that works for us, I’m surprised you let him speak to me like that.”

“Like you, Malik has some special circumstances that allow him a reprieve on his behavior,” Atem explained.

“You mean with how he’s obviously so far in the closet he’s become a Queen of Narnia?”

Atem shook his head, obviously trying to hide his amusement of Bakhure’s phrasing. “I'm not familiar with that reference, but I get the idea of its meaning. You must understand that it’s not something that is approved of back home. If he chooses to deny it, that is on him. Personally, I could care less about another person's romantic preferences. It harms me none."

“So then what are his ‘special circumstances’?” Bakhure questioned.

“You weren’t the only one who was badly injured in the attack. Malik got trapped beneath burning debris and was flown to the same hospital as you. He had to endure having skin permanently grafted across his back, and had to go through months of physical therapy just to be able to move without being in immense pain. That reminds me, under no circumstances are you to ever touch his back. And do not ask to see it. Do I make myself clear?”

The seriousness of Atem’s tone told Bakhure that this was something he shouldn’t press his luck with. “Like crystal,” he replied.

“Good. Here’s the kitchen. Hopefully Rishid is in a decent mood.”

Atem pushed the door aside to reveal a mostly bald man with a ponytail. He appeared to be busy stirring whatever was on the stove as he peeked an eye back towards his guests. The disfigurement that ran down the left side of his face gave Bakhure an idea on how his mind had conjured up Rishid’s brands. Seeing the scarring, he imagined Malik’s own ‘brand’ was probably even worse in appearance.

“I see it’s that time again,” Rishid stated in a casual manner.

Atem nodded. “Unfortunately. Though this time he is familiar with faces and names…for the most part.”

Rishid gave a slight nod of understanding. “That’s a good thing.” He returned his focus to the task before him.

“Is fattah still on the menu?” Atem questioned.

“I managed to obtain some fresh cuts from the local butcher this morning. Seems a shame to let quality ingredients sit because of something no one has any control over,” Rishid replied.

Bakhure leaned close to Atem to privately ask him a question. “I keep drawing a blank. What’s ‘fattah’?”

“Spiced lamb, or sometimes beef, along with vegetables that are boiled. It’s then served over rice and toasted pita, along with a garlicky tomato sauce. It’s your favorite,” Atem replied back quietly.

“I believe it. That description alone sounds right up my alley,” Bakhure commented.

“Rishid is an amazing cook and he puts a lot of thought into each meal. He even takes the time to prepare meatless alternatives for Isis and Malik.”

“Your compliments are flattering,” Rishid stated in an amused tone, having obviously overheard the not-so-quiet conversation. “I’ve had to go through a lot of trial and error to get this good.”

Atem chuckled lightly. “Yes, you very much have. I still remember your cooking from when we first arrived here. It was…edible at best.”

“He hasn’t always been a chef?” Bakhure questioned.

Atem shook his head. “Rishid used to work alongside Mahad. Like you and Malik, he was also injured, though not nearly as badly. He sustained minor burns to the left side of his face, but his vision on that side became impaired. He retired from security and became our chef instead. Honestly, Mahad was more than enough at the time, so it helped Rishid to feel useful. Then you came out of your coma. It wasn’t so bad at first, as you weren’t entirely ‘present’. It’s when your mind started becoming more and more active that I felt it was necessary to have a second security member again. Rishid suggested Amir, who was more than happy to take on his step-brother’s former role.”

“Damn. Does everyone in this house have a sad tale? I’m almost afraid to ask what tragic backstory Isis has…or anyone else I haven’t met for that matter,” Bakhure stated.

“Isis is all that’s left for re-introduction, other than Mahad.”

Bakhure counted on his fingers as he mentally listed off everyone. “Seven? There’s just seven people in this whole manor?”

Atem lowered his gaze to the floor. “...yes…”

“Are the rest just stuck back in Egypt or something?”

“...or something…” Atem quietly choked.

Dawning realization flooded over Bakhure. “...oh…”

A part of him hoped there wouldn’t be any more parallels than what he’d already come across, but it seemed that the more he learned, the more he encountered. At the moment, he wasn’t entirely certain which ‘reality’ was real: This one, or the one he remembered. The one he remembered was one he most definitely wished he could forget…but this one wasn’t looking too promising either. It was hard to decide which he preferred at the moment.

“Can I-...Can I go back to my room now. My head’s starting to hurt again,” he lied.

Atem nodded, saying nothing as he motioned for Bakhure to exit the kitchen ahead of him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prologue, Ch1, 2

[haesunflower]

what my biases would tell me tag

genre: i'm delusional, comedy

about: basically this is what i imagine my biases across different groups would tell me if they had a chance to speak to me lol, i made this up feel free to do or not do it

tagging: make your own version and tag more friends;>

@yunacoeur@zerobaselove@cherriegyu@seokmthw@seokka0o@formulawonu@gnwookieee@dimplewonie@skzooe@shiningstar-byulxx @zerobaseonescenarios and anons feel free to send yours/comment too

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

⠀⠀ xu minghao ⠀⠀

looks me dead in the eye and says "stop being so delusional"

would hard sell a meditation app to me

would threaten crumpling a signed photocard if i don't show up at work that day

rolls his eyes if he sees me crying over zerobaseone and tells me to "get a grip"

would ask me to retake photos, and probably ask me to take a thousand more if the angles are ugly

would set an alarm on my phone for me to take a walk outside

basically i envision him as a strict life coach

⠀⠀ park gunwook ⠀⠀

would ask me if i one-picked him

when i say yes he'll ask for proof, so my album of screenshots would have to be ready

because he's a rookie he'll ask me the usual things like: "have you eaten today?" or would tell me some cute generic stuff like "it's cold outside make sure to bundle up" or smthn like that !!

he probs memorizes every single person he meets lol

would tell me to keep being his fan

i can't tell him that i also am a fan of other people #guilty

⠀⠀ lee haechan ⠀⠀

he isn't even speaking to me,,,just sorta staring

i'm too intimidated to speak and he probs thinks i'm a sasaeng

i would just leave this isn't a productive conversation

sorry for disturbing your peace donghyuck

is actively calling his security / his lawyers as i'm walking away

this boy has had his privacy invaded so many times i don't blame him at all

leave haechan alone everyone

⠀⠀ xiaojun ⠀⠀

(you know what, i have actually met him at a fanmeet when my foot was injured and i was limping, so he did actually ask me if i was okay and for me to feel better soon)

would ask me what my favorite song was and then sing it as fanservice

would be interviewing me on what my favorite nct and wayv songs and what my thoughts are on their group's neo concept

holds my hands and thanks me for being his fan <;3

but also would kinda make a snide remark about how i don't prioritize wayv

tbh would probably gossip the moment i leave tho and tells yangyang my hot takes about nct

⠀⠀ gaon ⠀⠀

is so excited to speak to a fan

would probs ask me what i like best about him

he'd give me a guitar pick as a souvenir of our interaction

like he'd fish one out of his pocket

also asks me if i have anything i need him to sign

i carry nothing with me so it'll have to be his guitar pick

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

a/n: this is just for fun okay!! for fun!! in no way do i think i will meet any of them organically i am aware i am merely a fan!!

anyway, what do you think your bias would tell you?

[rayless-reblogs]

Nine People Tag

Thanks so much for the tag @iffylogic

Last Song:

I'm listening to music right now, "Northern Lad" by Tori Amos. I was aware of Tori for a long time, but only really got into her around 2012ish. My interest can come and go in waves, but right now I'm really into her again. "Northern Lad" is a gorgeous and heartbreaking song, though, given the lyrics, not something you'd slow dance to at a wedding. At least, most weddings.

Last Movie:

I'm feeling really nostalgic lately, so I've been rewatching the 1980s BBC adaptations of the first four Narnia books. They hit this perfect note of being extremely earnest and wholesome and endlessly generous when it comes to making fun of them. The Disney movies are better as far as production goes, but not nearly as fun.

Currently Watching:

Maybe I should've saved the Narnias for this question. I'll switch in what I'm currently playing: The Caligula Effect II. The first one is something of a dark horse for me, so I'm curious to see how this one goes.

Currently Reading:

On my last vacation, I hit an antique store that was so desperate to get rid of its 1970s Harlequin paperbacks they were being sold for fifty cents each. I am easy prey for a) vintage romance novels and b) a deal, so I came away with eight. The Midnight Sun by Katrina Britt is the first one I've opened. Lovely but tragically scared Sabina has gone away with her new husband to a remote manor in Finland. How can he truly love her with her scar? Does he actually love a local college student with a bad attitude? What about the handsome plastic surgeon who's determined to save her from her hideousness? Will Sabina eat lots of Finnish cheese and rice pastries, because that sounds delicious. Whether there's any more plot than that, I can't tell you yet.

Currently Craving:

I'd been wanting some Cadbury hot chocolate, and despite the scorching weather, I had some today. So that makes me happy.

Last Thing I Searched for Writing:

Oh, I have no idea. Things I've recently searched (for different projects) include ancient Roman methods for treating asthma, the definition of "blowzy", and typically Dutch foods.

Three Ships:

My interest has been holding pretty steady on RedBoxer (Transistor), AschNatalia (Tales of the Abyss), and ArcherHakuno (Fate/Extra) for a while now. Though thinking about The Caligula Effect has reminded me that I liked LucidShogo for a hot minute in 2020, and I'm still sad there's so little content for it.

Tagging:

If you'd like to do this, consider yourself tagged! But I'll call out specifically: @deemoyza @pandor-pandorkful @peachyindeed @bibliophileemily @assortedpencils @vangrants @caffeinatedpoltergeist @somacruising and @sweet-suzume

No pressure of course!

[brumeraven]

🍂: A Thousand Deaths || fae, creativity, failure, burnout, decay, exhaustion, scribes, self-doubt, faelure, i deserve to suffer for that pun

I don't remember the first time I died.

I could narrow it down, I suppose, but really, what's the point? Reflecting on one's failures rarely improves anything and must always bring pain, for how else do we learn but by avoiding that which hurts us?

I keep them locked away, deep in the bowels of the earth, buried in the lowest levels of the house I haunt.

Do you find that queer? Dying just the once is the normal state of affairs; how blessed you are. You can live free of certainty, full of false hope for a brighter future.

Oh, I'm certain you carry anxiety within your soul, spawned from incessantly not knowing what the future holds, but what is a little anxiety in the face of so much glorious potential? After all, anything is possible, until you've proved it isn't.

Until you've failed.

You disagree, I note. You truly think that it's better to know than not?

Very well then; come and I'll show you, but be warned as we condescend now into my graves that there can be no such panacea for an ailing soul once it has drunk deeply of the bitterness of defeat.

Not just once, no, but again and again and again. Each time, I try, I strive, I fail, and I die. And then I just...go on existing in spite of it.

With one more door down here in the basement.

You can see them too, can't you? The doors that flank this hallway.

Each hewn from ancient heartwood, a solid block of it now reduced, transformed, into this.

A door.

A choice: that which can be closed, rendered impassable, locked away and forgotten. Or opened. To allow whatever is inside egress.

Unlabeled, perhaps in the conventional sense, but each is covered in myriad scenes of struggle, carved bas-relief like so much braille, night-writing for one whose fingers are yet too blind to read the little triumphs set between the lines of patent failure.

What does it signify? Nothing. Perhaps it once did, but now there's only the sense of it.

This one, I succumbed to malaise, a general insouciance for all of life, much less my project at the time. Perhaps you've known some measure of it, even within your short mortality.

And here, further down the hall, see how the story just ends mid-scene, the entire left half of the door left blank and ungraven? This time it was mere intractability that did me in. I went in with a heart too bold, more comfortable in myself than the problems at hand warranted.

Ah, and here. One needn't even look; do you smell that? Like petrichor and ozone all at once, a sudden thunderstorm at the end of a long drought. This time, it was distraction, the alluring siren song of new challenges, so different from those that had stumped me at the time...

This is all of them.

A thousand doors.

A thousand lives, a thousand deaths, a thousand failures, and through all of it, here I yet stand in the hallway, amidst it all, awaiting my own door, wondering when I stand before it, will I remember what it is to be me, as I am, now?

This me, the me who wastes her time wandering the gallery of her failures rather than working on the task at hand. Giving tours of it, even, and for what? To convince you of what?

I have changed, again and again and again, yet that it seems is at least invariant.

I have always frequented these halls, no matter how few there were at the time, stopping to wonder about the door I'm carving for myself in doing so.

Thinking on every door. Every failure.

Every door but this last, here at the end of this hall.

The first door. The first death.

The words writ upon it hold no meaning to me now, not anymore, nor can I remember writing them.

And yet I find myself before it today, low in the bowels of the earth, as close to Hell as a thing like me will ever come, and just as far from the Heaven I will never know.

It's the smell I notice first, not even knowing how it is the door became open, no longer aware of my surroundings.

Mold, plain and simple, the damp rot of fallen leaves and cold mornings and wet paper, the autumnal cessation of vernal dreams of rebirth and growth and change.

And there, huddled in the middle of the room, is her, all hurt and hunger, looking prim and proper and put together, so unlike the decayed and decrepit thing I now am as to be unrecognizable as the same body.

I wonder, how can it be that I had once been her?

How could I once have not known what it is to die?

I wonder why she cries, as she takes me in her arms and holds me, the gesture itself so unlike any I would now offer.

Perhaps she cries for her failure. Perhaps she cries knowing that she will one day become me.

I slam the door shut once more, leaving her to the work I know she'll never finish, tears tearing canyons in the dust on my face, sobbing in the hall, thinking only of what it will be to be locked behind my own door, to look up to her disdain, just another failure in her past.

I guess...I guess I've brought you here that you might remember me instead as someone who tried.

~🍂

[gottamakesurveys]

Redoing 5000 survey

1. Who are you?

I’m Stef, how about you?

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?

I have3 wonderful kids, I’m very chatty and I love comedy.

3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?

Doing stuff with my kids.

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if yoare out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).

I f I remember correctly I loved English, Science, Food Tech, Art, Music the most. I disliked PE, Histoey, geography and DYT. Math, Religion and PSHE was in the middle.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year?

I’m planning to enroll in a Psychology course despite being 34 :)

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Growing even further from therapy. Kids in a good place and hopefully starting a career :)

7. What stage of life are you in right now?

The I can’t be fucked with drama and just want to be happy stage.

8. Are you more child-like or childish?

I certainly think I can fit into both. I am child like in that I’m playful, have an immature humour sometimes and I’m naive but I’m also childish as I can be petty and a bit petulant sometimes.

9. What is the last thing you said out loud?

Shhhh

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?

Not sure.

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?

I did for a year, yeah

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?

It goes through cycles.

13. Does time really heal all wounds?

No, some wounds can’t be healed by time. Time can make wounds easier to deal with though.

14. How do you handle a rainy day?

Just watch funny or interesting stuff.

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?

Luggage

16. How is your relationship with your parents Will you miss them when they are gone?

Mostly good though we have some complicated history but of course I’ll miss them when they’re gone.

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?

Not always no. It’s funny because due to trauma I’m hyper vigilant. But in general I barely notice anything going on it’s a weird mix.

18. What is the truest thing that you know?

That life is for living.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up?

Actress, Psychologist, Singer

20. Have you ever been given a second chance?

Sure probably more than I deserved.

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?

I used to be much more of a giver but now I feel I even it out more.

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?

I always try to. Obviously it’s hard to be objective always but that’s my intention going into things.

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?

Childbirth or a trapped nerve in my back— both stupidly painful.

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?

Having to cope with trauma hitting me years later and to deal with the people I love the most being hurt by my decisions. Last year and even the start of this year I wasn’t sure I could carry on honestly.

25. Who have you hugged today?

My son

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you?

My son.

27. Do you have a lot to learn?

Oh of course - we all do.

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?

Playing an instrument, becoming a great author, be a better Mum

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how othepeople make you feel?

I’d say how they make me feel. What people do can be hurtful but often forgiven if I understand their motives same for what they say but if someone hurts me so deeply they ingrain what it felt like to me in my soul it’s hard to ignore that even years later as I won’t rem m we the circumstances just how that person made me feel.

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?

Honestly being healthy yourself first - that’s what I’ve learnt this year you can’t know what a healthy relationship looks like without having a healthy relationship qurh yourself.

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?

See my kids grow up and be happy, get a career of my own, help a good number of people

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?

See my kids suffer, slowly die of an illness, kills one one who didn’t deserve it

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?

Just treating people how you’d like to be treated.

34. What does each decade make you think of:The 19..20's:30's:40's:50's:60's:70's:80's:90's:2000 2010's:

Take too long todo all these lol.

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?

I’d say 90s as was years I was born and a young child though 00s are also dear to my heart as I grew up and became an adult then and learnt much about life then.

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?

Toomany!

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?

Yak and Jeremy Corbyn

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?

I tend to listen to Audiobooks or Podcasts or even the Radio. I’d listen to True Crime or Educational channels if had to choose though.

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?

Hmmm I dunno a villain who only became a villain because they couldn’t see a way out or because of circumstances - is never knowingly do anything cruel.

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?

Was a Guide for a few years.

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?

Im pretty chill with either I guess would depend on journey time/price etc.

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?

Sky isn’t blue during the day it’s how the light filters through the Earth

43. What does your name mean?

Crowned in a Greek.

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?

I’d find both scary.

45. Word association

Take too long lol

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?

Freddy Mercury

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?

Less sure tbh

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?

Lots of Disney’s and the Harry Sootters

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?

Flashlight with batteries, food, a crossword book, drink.

I decided to do it because I’ve tried it 3 times since 16 and have only ever got upto around .500 or so, so I wanted to actually break the mold and do it properly especially before it gets deleted off the internet like BZoink did.

If you fancy doing this along with me as well feel free just tag to say you’re doing it as well and I’ll also check out your answers. This is so nostalgic for me :)

Wuah me luck to complete it this time :D