#i am all for hating Freud myself

[perfectlykindness]

It's like a very basic psychologist knowledge written in the funniest way ever. Please op rewrite my notes for me so I would actually pass my classes this year

Human psychosexual development is so fucking stupid. Imagine having to explain to a sex partner that the reason you can't cum is because your mom didn't like holding babies.

[dove-da-birb]

Meet Sigmund Freud

Picrew | Picrew does not belong to me

Sigmund Freud (Sigismund Schlomo Freud)

Just Doyle’s suggestiveness x 10. I hate him and won't be delving further. Would psychoanalyze you just to mess with you. If you know, you know. Whatever you do, it's lose-lose; there is no winning. Everyone hates his ass. -OG Notes

The enigmatic neurologist. You can try to get rid of him, but he’ll just cock his head and raise a brow. “My, afraid of confrontation, no?” Yeah, he’s psychoanalyzing every behaviour of yours and putting two and two together. Slides up beside you as you walk in town, and will hang off every word you say. What makes you tick? Hmm?

He lives in a small house just outside the city; it’s modest and very cozy. When he doesn’t think anyone is looking, he smokes his pipe while reading the paper. He becomes a lot more soft at home. 

Voice Claim; Kent Ito

Birthday; May 6

Height; 172

Occupation; Neurologist  

Hobbies; Reading, dream analysis

Dislikes; Corrupt government

Specialty; Psychoanalysis

Weakness; Nice people

Favourite food; Cholent

Hated food; Eel

Animal Companion; An orange tabby cat named Karl

Not doing the history this time cuz I'm tired and have learned more than enough about Freud during my studies <3 If you know, you know. He hates eels because he had to spend months looking at how the hell they mate and reproduce and came up with nothing; so he is bitter. That's all you're getting because I really don't feel like writing for him <3 Here, have his wiki.

Present

His suggestive air is indeed an act; he really just wants to sit at home, pet his cat, and read one of his many books that lies in his collection. Still an awful tease, but calms down a bit once he gets to know someone.

If you are genuinely nice to him, he doesn't know how to really act. But if you hate him, he just continues on with the behaviour until you snap. So that's what makes your brain tick. Very interesting.

@azulashengrottospiano

[glitter-stained]

A psychoanalytical reading of Lost Days and Under the Hood, because I hate myself and hate Freud even more

*bracing myself to talk shit* Okay, let's do this. Last warning to back off if you like psychoanalysis or even have a nuanced take on this. This is the graveyard where nuance comes to die.

First thing first, this is not intended to be an attack on Judd Winick: I do not know if he has actually read anything on psychoanalysis, and though it would make so much sense if it were intentional, it could totally be that Winick had passing knowledge of psychoanalysis from a source similar to one my short-form tumblr shitposts and other general pop culture information, thought "huh, neat, I always thought manipulative hot MILF Talia was a cool concept" and ran with it. Or that any other thought process went into it. I am extremely critical of the decisions he has made in his portrayal of mental illness and Talia specifically, but I'm not gonna criticise him on the assumption that it was psychoanalytical. I say this because the rest of this post is gonna sound like I think it was on purpose: I think it could, but I don't think I have enough knowledge about Judd Winick and enough clarity in the text to be crystal clear that this is what directed his writing (unless I missed one Easter egg in the back of an image, that would be very fun.) I'm also not gonna make fun of Winick for writing psychoanalysis fiction if he did do it on purpose, because so did I when I was a misguided highschooler, and many therapists have not gotten past that phase despite dedicating their life to it so there's no judgement on that part. With that being said, I think it's a super valid reading, so let's talk about this. Also, I'll talk a lot about Freud because he's the founding father of this shit, but there are many other psychoanalysts who came after him, all putting their own brick in the wall; all of them are wrong, but many are more moderate and do not have the extraordinary audacity of the first culprit.

[ramblingsfromthytruly]

getting shit together~

day 1/50 productivity challenge

26/august/2024 - monday

no school today so yay! i don't really have anything urgent to "catch up" on but i've fallen severely behind on my own study plan. considering i don't go to any extra tuition/coaching, i need to be disciplined in my time management and hold myself accountable to the reasonable plans i made for myself. i'm not in too deep though so all i need to do now is get back on track.

🕒 10:00 a.m.

morning skincare

extended duolingo streak

cleaned out email + photo gallery

practiced playing keyboard

enough is enough with my procrastination towards studying. i mean i even watch study motivation videos on youtube instead of studying! so i just made a cup of coffee and dived straight into work.

studied psychology ch-1: what is psychology?

something to say: the ncert psychology textbook is actual nonsense. thank god for my teacher, he actually explains each concept mentioned in the textbook and so much more. if it wasn't for his classes, i don't think i would have understood literally anything in the textbook. the fact that he's most probably leaving next year is kinda making me anxious because what if the next teacher is absolute shit. this is a subject that involves lots of theory and long lectures. my current teacher is very animated in his discussions and he also involves us students too. it's never a boring class. but if the next teacher is boring i will literally start hating the class, and i don't want that to happen considering i love this subject and am actually planning on pursuing it in the future.

also akjsdfhkjashgdjkg sigmund freud, that man, istg, is gonna haunt me for the rest of my life.

it really grates on my skin if my room is dusty. and that easy annoyance combined with being a maximalist who loves trinkets is not a good combination. the universe decided to make me a walking contradiction, in many areas of my life. i make it a thing to clean my room at least once every week.

cleaned my room

did a workout video (when the workout leaves you sore>>>)

i like to do the dusty and sweaty work before taking bath so that i feel clean for the rest of the day. also thank fuck my periods ended yesterday, i hate them so much ugh i never even want to be pregnant.

took bath

prepared for seminar for psychology

basically us students have to learn the 6th chapter and "teach" it to the teacher. since we're only 3 students, our teacher told us to divide the topics amongst ourselves. we're supposed to start tomorrow but my topic is probably not tomorrow since i'm doing the second part of three. i still want to start preparing. presentations always make me nervous but i know that if i'm prepared i don't do bad at all.

night skincare

🕒 12:30 a.m.

will probably get around 6 hours of sleep.

also, random warning/tip but don't trust the ai generated summary of answers that comes up first when you search anything on google. it just uses whatever phrases it can to make a coherent set of statements. but a lot of the time, it doesn't summarize correctly at all. click on the results of a legit website to at least quickly cross-check. do not take info solely from the ai tool.

[sukirichi]

“I have made mistakes. Many of them. I have hurt you, again and again, but do you really wish to end my life?” babe be glad I don’t want that because trust me the gaslighting and blame game is annoying af already. yeah you have issues and I would empathise with you completely if I didn’t get hurt/gaslit in the process.

“I’m putting my heart aside so you can finally enjoy your marriage.” babe how about you stfu before this fist catches your skeleton ass face

“I am not a slut, nor am I a homewrecker. He loved me first, don’t you forget that,” ah yes that does not make what you both did cheating at all yes you both are just lovers you were just loving each other yes yes. do us a favour, stay lovers. let kiyoomi and reader leave. both of you deserve each other.

NOW THAT IRIS IS PREGNANT please make rin take responsibility we need kiyoomi x reader endgame thank fuck I hate both of them anyway the whole decorating the house thing was making me sick. it’s a personal opinion and idk how reader is doing it - pretending play house with rin without getting sick like bae that’s the same man who slept with his mistress a month ago IN YOUR SHARED BED anyway imma stfu

(also please don’t think too much of my rants. how ever the story goes along and ends, I am here for it. smooches for being such a sexc angst writer)

(gonna call myself Freud anon for I psychoanalysed rin’s personality accurately according to you)

no, this is so real because he should really be thankful that we’re not out here trying to off him after everything he did 😭

‘do us a favour, stay lovers.’ HELP MEEE 😭 honestly iris is just getting more annoying with each chapter but that scene really irked me lmao. as for reader though, the reason she’s able to put up with all that is because, well *waves hands in the air* love ! that’s just all it is. rin is horrible - his true colors are horrible - but each time he reverts to how he’d been when he courted her, reader gets gaslit into believing that ‘oh maybe he can change. maybe we can move forward and move past it. what’s the point of holding his affair against him when its clear he’s trying his best to change?’ that kinda mindset. it’s not healthy at all, but that’s how the reader thinks, which kinda proves rintaro’s theory that reader is very deeply in love with him and would forgive him eventually

also thank you so much, i’m so happy you guys are into dtd and i am eating up everything you guys send me 🥹 i honestly wouldn’t have had much motivation to continue if it weren’t for everyone’s efforts in reaching out as well, so thank you anon! 💫💓

[hymemena]

Sadderday Lyric Sentence Starters Part One

Feel free to change pronouns as necessary, and remember to specify muse for multimuse blogs.

CW: General angst, self-deprecation, abandonment, abandonment issues, mental health, anxiety, smoking, drinking, blasphemy, death, cheating, lying, depression

—

Mike Krol - Fifteen Minutes

"What if I told you that the world was gonna end and you had 15 minutes to spend with me or your friends?"

"Would you take the first bus over to my house? Or would you take the last plane over the west coast?"

"It was over and done before we had a start."

"It goes on in my head."

"What if all the stars came crashing through the ground?"

"Would you believe me?"

"Would you believe me and come home and sit back?"

"I can't do this by myself."

"I guess we don't even need to use the phone."

"I don't need your answer, I'll be spending it alone."

Candi Carpenter - Nervous System

"I lie to my doctor about how much I drink and smoke."

"They ask about my income and level of education."

"In the Middle Ages, they used to do this thing called trepanation, a procedure where the surgeon drills a hole into your skull to let the evil spirits out and take the pressure off. The precursor to lobotomy before neurobiology."

"I have a nervous system. I'm nervous all the time."

"I'm just a cannibal eating myself alive."

"They say that life's a party, but I've always hated parties."

"I imagine a car wreck every time I touch my car keys."

"I don't want to go anywhere."

"When I check the captcha box that says I'm not a robot, I'm lying to myself and I'm lying to my laptop."

"I wonder if Sigmund Freud turned into his dad, too?"

AJJ - Rejoice

"God's ears are stitches!"

"Rejoice despite the fact this world will hurt you."

"This world will kill you."

"This world will tear you to shreds."

"Rejoice because you're trying your best."

"The bed you sleep in is burning."

"The sky's fucking falling!"

"Your father's been calling."

"You will not survive."

"You'll never make it out alive."

The Orion Experience Feat. ORION & Linda XO - The Queen Of White Lies

"I like the way you make me feel like I could be the number one game in town."

"All those pretty words you say to me, they pick me up whenever I'm feeling down."

"I know you're just a white witch putting that spell on me."

"You know I love the punishment, so keep telling me that you love me."

"Look deep into my eyes, say there's no one else above me."

"I'm the King/Queen of Fools 'cause Baby, you're the Queen/King of White Lies."

"You're like the Cheshire Cat."

"There's a devil that resides behind your smile."

"You've got them diamond eyes, they hypnotize your unsuspecting victims with style."

"I know I'm not the one and only game you're playing."

Citizen Soldier - I Hate Myself

"I wish that I had somebody to call when I am not okay."

"I wish that I had anyone who cared when I am in that place."

"I wish I could have a mental breakdown without turning my life into a ghost town."

"More than anything, I wish somebody loved me as much as I hate myself."

"I wish somebody listened as much as I go through Hell."

"I wish there was a person that would miss me when I can't leave bed."

"I wish I wasn't stuck sharing my secrets with these made-up friends."

"I wish I could be honest."

"These days, it's hard to have faith."

"The more I speak, the more I see just how alone I really am."

[catgirl-catboy]

Well as a person who is into psychology in a degree, I can see Tenko as a abuse victim.

Her masters teachings is commonly used technic by abusers, isolating and giving false informations to the person who they groom and it is very tragic..

And I love how she actually... caring despite the misguided logic she had, I love her and feel very bad for her you know?

And according to me love hotels are despite being dubious, actually really shows some characters needs or.. some darker aspects in their psychology.

P.s: Ryoma one, Korekiyo one and Tenko one specifically.

And the brother line is really suspicious.. All of the characters have some freudian aspect in their relationships and this is deeply fucked up (My mind went for ishimondo for minute)

And yes, lesbian Tenko is a valid headcanon but I hate how they treat bisexual Tenko headcanon like this is being a lesbophobe, lots of my life experiences were related to me being into girls and I still can say it is not being a lesbophobia it is deciphering or analysing the freudian slip she had.

Anyways for the bi tenko hc sake, do you ship her with any men and one question again do you have any controversial sexuality or gender hc? They are quite fun ngl

I'm studying to be a comp-sci major, but its a lot harder than I thought it would be. ;-;

For the ships, that depends on who you ask. I ship her with Gonta, but I also hc Gonta as NB or Genderqueer like myself. (his relation to gender norms is interesting to me, and I feel like letting go of the ideal of masculinity he holds dear would be healthy for him.)

Of course, people just see the canon Gonta and think me lesbophobic because they don't understand my vision.

Like, if someone headcanons Bi Tenko and is lebophobic, that's on the person and not the headcanon. (though like, wouldn't that hypothetical lesbophobe not want her to be queer at all? Damn strawmen)

The Gay Kokichi headcanon purists are honestly even more annoying though. Yes, he confessed to Shuichi. That makes him into men. But he also did quite a lot of flirting with Himiko and Miu. Honestly, if you want to stick as close to canon as possible (and be boring) Bi Kokichi makes the most sense.

Speaking of Kokichi, how do some people pretend that Saiouma love hotel is canon and the rest are bullshit. I'm sorry, at that point just call it a headcanon.

For controversial headcanons... uh how about the big mommy of headcanons discoursed about through the end of time. I am a fan of the trans Chihiro hc. That being said, I really dislike how most fans that share the hc with me act, and how ignorant they are about Japanese gender norms. It isn't problematic to analyze the text on a surface level.

Also I forgot to mention in my last post, but I also hc almost everyone as autistic, mainly as projection but also because the current system seems geared to people with special interests. Everyone, but Taka and Tenko especially.

Tell me about your problematic hcs! Honestly, this fandom hasn't seen an actually problematic hc in years, it needs it.

(Honestly, I prefer the Sapphic label to the Lesbian label simply because of how my genderqueer ass doesn't neatly fit into the box vaguely defined as female. I am exclusively attracted to ladies, which makes this whole erasure thing an extra layer of stupid.)

As for freud, I don't want to accuse anyone of anything here, but it is very possible Kodaka has an incest kink. You do not include it to such a degree on accident. That isn't a whoopsie! Of course, he could be writing to work out his trauma, so its none of my business.

[grandhotelabyss]

Any thoughts on "the Other?" I can't help but feel that as an academic term it stands for too much, and hence too little, to be of any use in serious scholarship.

Yes, it's meant too much to too many to say anything about unless you intend to talk patiently through what it meant to X thinker (Hegel, Freud, Sartre, Beauvoir, Lévinas, Lacan, Derrida, etc.). I try to just use it literally—not me, somebody else—but even at its most literal it always carries the implication, probably since Hegel, of the not-me who makes me what I am, the not-me without whom I could not be me at all and so who is therefore in some sense also me, maybe even more me than I am myself. I do find the concept useful in political analysis for this reason. Obviously much of politics is about materialities of land and sovereignty, as in Russia-Ukraine or Israel-Palestine, but there's a psychological element, too, structured by disavowed identification: as if you could possibly hate X individual or Y group so inordinately unless you secretly see what you hate in them as the very shadow cast by your own psyche.

[papaver-decervicatus]

The State of Cat/Mouse/Den...

So... there's some stuff I wanna talk about as it related to Cat/Mouse/Den and where the story can go from here.

Nothing bad, I promise! (well, kinda sorta, you may not like the ending of this one...)

Basically, I have come to a fork in the road. Much of the story is completed in the strictest sense of the word but... I find that, unsatisfying? Almost, because I am enjoying myself writing it so much! The entire story started as exclusively what is now the last chapter but spiraled out of control. I was working on what has gotten posted for 2+ months before I started uploading, which is why what is written is so extensive in a lot of ways. If I continue writing the story, updates will be significantly less frequent and chapters will be shorter/etc.

But I do not want to stop. I am genuinely enjoying the story, I am loving the community, I am loving having a creative outlet, I am loving even the little formatting stuff I get to do for this silly little story of mine. I just, don't know what else to write.

C/M/D is mostly vignette based, there's points and nods to chronology (mouse gives her whetstone to konig, he has it in the subsequent chapters) but there's no major 'plot' so to speak. So, in theory, I could keep writing these vignettes! But, what do I write?

I think that's where community comes in. I have talked with other writers in this space to sort of decide what to do next and I have a couple ideas. I want to know what y'all think of the story, what was done well, what feels hollow. I already added a flashback section @bucca2 comment because in my own head I knew how it went, but I realized I had never written it out. I am not saying I'll write everything people suggest (I cannot write suggestions, if my hearts not in it I am not publishing it,) but I want some ideas from y'all!

So, what will become of Cat/Mouse/Den? I want theories, thoughts, suggestions, whatever! Asks are preferable, because I cannot directly respond to comments.

Okay! Now that that is out of the way, here is your reward for listening to me! Teaser beneath. (Warning, angst! this is the aforementioned "thing you may not like")

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this, meine majestät.” The cruel Angel hums, voice like forbidden fruit any man could be forgiven for falling for. 

“Maus?” He calls out, desperate and confused and ready to shatter. 

“Quiet as a.” She calls back, composed as if entrenched in amber and equally as unmoved by his predicament. 

He’s always wanted to get his teeth around her pretty neck. He’s always desired to have his hands around her waist. He’s always hoped to be able to pound down into her quaking form. He’s been desperate to have her underneath him since their very first chance encounter. These feelings have been constant since he heard her beautiful voice, but suddenly they’re not the same. 

Now he wants all those things, but instead of their motivation being love, it is bloodlust. 

And intense bloodlust at that. 

He’s never wanted to kill a woman, he finds it despicable that women more or less get turned into cattle during war. He’s sure that Freud would have something to say about his neurotic insistence on not harming the fairer sex even with his typical caliber of violence, but he’s never once cared to self-examine that. His entire military career, in fact, was dedicated to saving women and children from the horrors of a very male, very sexual world. Insertions specialist, yes, but specifically for human trafficking situations. 

Looking into his wartime paramour's eyes, the intensity of hellfire overcomes him. His entire world crashes around him. He’s breathing in debris and dust as comes to the terrible conclusion that this entire time, it’s been her that has been perpetuating the injustice he so hates. That it’s been the thing he’s romanticized that’s been the fall of Rome. That it’s his savior that’s really been the perpetrator all along. 

Perhaps the devil was once an angel, but to see his Angel for the demon she is? It breaks his heart into gory chunks of splintered bitterness and hacked arteries where once love pumped. 

Never in his life has he ever wanted to kill a woman, never in his life he had loved a woman so completely either. 

Those two ‘never’s die loudly and crudely in his chest as he recounts how to kill her most painfully in his own mind. 

For her now obvious position perpetuating his most loathed evil? For tricking him into loving her? For both and neither? He doesn’t know. He’s about two seconds away from frothing at the mouth like a rabid animal that’ll break its bones escaping a trap. He’s got nothing in his brain, just white-hot anger from the tips of his combat boots to the tips of his ears. 

Not even the outfit, or more appropriately the lack thereof, that she’s wearing can dissuade his anger. In any other circumstance, to see her in a black draped silk dress with hip-high slits on both sides and a full set of harness garters holding up sheer pantyhose would make him go feral. It would make him kneel, it would give him all the power to break out of these bindings on his own with no help and slam her down into the metal floor and have her right here. He has the desire to do all these things right now, but for all the wrong reasons. 

She’s taking something out from beneath her left breast as he recounts every thought he’s ever had about her and how foolish they’ve all been. He thinks that the only consolation he may ever receive for this betrayal is if he can crush her windpipe in between his teeth.

That's all for now folks! Hope you liked it :)

Cura ut veleas~ Caedis

[girlhorse]

tonight in my insomnia I'm thinking back to when i was a teen and iding as aroace...sexuality talk under tha cut. just thinking aloud

at the time i was having complex and difficult feelings about my gender, had some pretty bad body image issues and dysphoria, and also was actively repressing some of the sexual feelings i was having bc for some reason i was obsessed with being morally good/innocent and had connected innocence with chastity in a way. i also was realizing i was not at all attracted to men without connecting the thoughts of being attracted to women. I also do straight up have a baseline low libido tbh, or really just like. a very inconsistent one. on top of everything was untreated social anxiety that im still struggling with. im 25 and still like...scared to branch out into dating and mostly uninterested in casual hookups. im still a #virgin but i hate thinking about myself that way genuinely. my first and only relationship fizzled out recently and im realizing that long distance just doesnt work for me. im still curious about physical intimacy but...i think i need to be slow about it still. ive been experimenting a little with having a very very private restricted Twitter to explore some of my sexuality and it's definitely been a positive experience in learning to just accept myself and what im into =v= im not probably going to be comfortable about talking about it to anyone i know like.. ever. but i will say i am starting to think i really might be a top and stone also lmao. but it feels weird to say I'd like to top when im such a baby lesbian. uagrhhhhh. i will figure it out 😞

i also truly i want to experiment with packers and straps :/ bc i def have some bottom dysphoria that ive just ignored my whole life (when Freud wrote about penis envy it was about me etc.)

one day i wouldnt be opposed to trying t but there's a lot that i wouldnt want to change about myself if that makes sense, and i think im also capable of being comfortable as i am if i can find a style that works for me. i jost wish i could control a bit what the hormones affected but truly we cant have it all can we

anyway truly always grateful for the lesbian label and how diverse and amazing it has been for me. women sexy

[femdialogue]

every time i sit down to write...

i write about my feelings ewwww

i write about my *eyes rolling* trauma

i try to write about the world but end up writing about myself (fuck u roland barthes)

i dislike that i cannot write about everything that exists and has ever existed

i do not ever make spelling or grammar mistakes

i am one of those queers

i am not who i say i am!

i am sitting like a gay person

i am not probably not ‘sitting’ in any conventional sense at all; my body is contorted into some ungodly pretzel shape that can’t be good for my spine

i was born with glass bones and paper skin. every morning, i break my legs, and every afternoon, i break my arms. at night, i lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

i am writing something that already exists so like why even try 

i feel so alone.

i am alone.

i am becoming alone.

i am pathetic i am naive i am a child in an (allegedly) 22 year old body

i do not know who i am sad face emoji

i am utterly inaccessible

i am i am not i am i am not i say as i violently pluck each petal off the little daisy that is my life

i am one giant cliche

i realize i have started too many lines with i am so i am switching it up

i am not a man or a woman but i am also very much a woman and a man

i hate myself! in a relatable way!

i am sooooo obsessed with myself

i am sick of repetition and routine and the same old same old

i am sick of everything being a metaphor for something else. 

i am quite frankly revolutionary

i bestow myself with author-ity

i have this super annoying voice in my head that just won’t shut up and i’m wondering if you do too.

i think wow: i wish i was better at this i wish i had something actually meaningful to say.

i wish my words and my style were better 

i am actually writing a series of twitter drafts that no one but me will ever read 

i am actually writing a long paragraph to my mother that i will never send

i imagine what it would be like if i were painting or dancing or making music instead of writing

i feel like the embodiment of drying cement

i am something different with every letter i write

i know my writing is not worth anything or if it is then i resent that

i am probably listening to some sad song that makes me feel as though i am tapped in to some existentially important emotional current instead of just depressed

i use too many parentheses and commas and scare quotes and semi-colons and dashes and elllpses or i use none at all

i strain my eyes in the darkness because i despise the light i am a homosexual vampire

i scribble and scratch and doodle and beg for attention

i objectify myself

i am a dog, a bitch if you will

i am subjecting myself to the mortifying ordeal of being known

i cloud myself in mystery

i write too much

i do too much

i am too much

i wish i would shut up already

i hate that i don’t know who i am but that’s not my fault…right? it’s all the technology and the capitalism and all the other -isms and the world conspiring against me and my self-destructive tendencies rooted in my troubled childhood where my parents didn’t tell me they loved me enough and my brain chemistry got all fucked up and i’m still young and it’ll all be okay.

i’m back to writing about my trauma.

i’m thinking about what freud would say and thinking that i want to kill freud even though the motherfucker’s already dead!

i want to kill.

i am killing—writing ideas down kills them

i am lying—writing ideas down gives them life

i feel that i must write or i will die

i refuse to edit because every thought i have is profound and important

i am a narcissist! 

i am deeply insecure.

my feet are cold. i will not put on socks.

my head hurts. i will not take painkillers.

i am disconnected from all of the important things happening “out there” in the “real world”

i feel immense shame and guilt (it’s important to distinguish between the two, my therapist tells me, but i always suffer both all of the time)

i am doing things i know are bad for me

i am producing myself and being produced

i am a cyborg beep boop beep

i am trans

i do not know how to stop writing

i am tired

i would like to rest but all i do is rest.

i am full of questions and only a few answers.

i do not trust myself

i stop writing.

-A

[rollingdumpsterfire]

“What?”

You say after you notice me staring at you. “Nothing.” I respond, panicked, hoping that you hadn’t noticed and I was trying to be nonchalant. Is this what it means to be choked up when you’re thinking about what to say and how to say it? I don’t want to come off as dorky, too mushy, or mess up what I actually mean. I get caught up in my own head, trying to find the right words to explain how I feel about you.

After waaaaaay too much thought, I finally summon enough courage to say what’s on the verge of something really bittersweet.

“This is gonna sound really stupid but...dating you feels like one of the best summers I ever had; the last summer of high school...”

Ah, shit, that came out even worse than I thought. It’s true! These past few months have been exactly like the summer before I left for college. Like, what the fuck do you even say to describe that feeling where you were just running around hanging out, you had something to do-- to experience--to its fullest and in awe everyday.  

Like how is it that you say “I’ve got the night off” and we already say to each other what we can do, so much so  we forget what we originally wanted to do. No plans, just spontaneity. Where we go find some swings after a show and hold conversation. Where we just go record shopping in the afternoon and spend way too much money only to spend the rest of the day taking turns playing albums. Even just hanging in silence. 

Actually Kels, I am a HUGE talker. I would just blurt out whatever came to mind all the time. With you, I want to be careful when I do say anything. Maybe it’s because some things are better left unsaid, or maybe because I need to be in the now. I just don’t want to overbear you with loveboming. I’m too much sometimes I know that about me and I hate it. I overindulge and am a glutton for more. Especially if I really care. 

“...Elaborate,” you ask.

“ah, shit” I think to myself, I always hated having to do that cause it requires more words than I have ownership of. “Like I’ve said, I really admire your freedom and being with you is just the most fun I’ve ever had”. I muster enough words to say. The feeling of the wind at your sail, a good deep breath, unknowingly coming up to a beautiful night sky, or seeing the skyline of the city of your road trip destination. The freedom that the world is your oyster, and you’re feeling the aphrodisiac of it all.

“I dont know what I’m doing so that makes sense.” you respond. I hang my head. 

“Definitely not response I was aiming for.” I say to myself. Makes sense I get something like that because what you really want to say sounds even worse but because you’re constantly fighting your own mind. “It’s just nice”, sounds corny. “You’re alot of fun”, wow, what is this, a fuckin’ rom-com? “I like how you help me revert back to when I was a kid,” thanks Freud, I hate it here. 

There’s just more to it than that. Cause I was IN a relationship at that time. It doesn't feel the same, believe me. There was alot of bickering, enemies-to-lovers, vibe that she and I had. 

The love I share with you Kels, it more the culmination of that time period. It’s fiery, passionate, tender, impulsive, explosive, hot, sexy, surreal, astonishing, dangerous, cute, sultry, adventurous, exhilarating… I could go on but I won’t run out of words.

“Just calm down man and enjoy the ride” my phone pings. After I’ve been texting my friends how much I overthink.

“Te muerdo”, you softly say.

I look up from my phone to formulate a response. Looking up, not paying attention, I’ve been bitten.

“Ay, coño, no me muerdas!” I exclaim, kicking me out of my concentration. You put on that cute, sly, small v-shaped smile and my heart sinks.

“Te muerdo”, you repeat, all satisfied with the interaction.

I cut my eyes in response.

You respond with the same.

My heart skips a beat because all I wanna do is break and start kissing you all over. “What are you, a dog?”, the cynic in me stops me from moving. Yeah I’m gonna always be fighting myself.

“Baby, you’ve got to roll your Rs, muerrrrrrdo.”

“Mueherdo”

“Nope”

It’s really sweet that you’re learning Spanish. If you ever get to meet her, Abeula would have the warmest heart towards you. The cynic in me is hostile about it, but teaching’s got it’s benefits. You pull out your little notepad for phrases and I smile. Sure, it’s just phrases now but you’ve been getting better conversationally. The notepad has that, and there some phrases that are— more personal? Things I thought wouldn’t make things steamy, but they do. Who knew, the Romance language, works well with intimacy?

“Te lambo” you softly say while I’m deep in thought.

[endofthischain]

just had the rudest customer and it was like i could feel in her all this darkness vitriol and hatred and you know i really think freud was onto something when he talked about how consuming and toxic repression can become because i see all these older women who so clearly just hate themselves hate their dumb ugly husbands hate their lives . and i think that cannot be me that cannot ever be me please god let me stand empowered in my light let me face it all let me not turn from myself in the mirror let me not turn away from all of this pain all this need all this nasty want let me bear it with grace let me see myself as i am and allow it

[haunting-hufflepuffs-basement]

So here's the thing:

Irl, queer people, even closeted queer people or people who don't know they're queer tend to attract other queer people. The same applies to neurodivergence. Which means it is STARTLINGLY easy to accidentally write a whole friend group as gay and autistic.

Additionally, even amongst mostly straight friend groups, homoerotic relationships ABOUND. My entire friend group in high school behaved fairly indistinguishably from a lesbian polycule despite having zero people who knew they were queer, and only me having a queer realization since.

I usually just tend to go off Vibes, but if you don't wanna make EVERYBODY bi/gay, here's some suggestions:

1. Someone in the comments already said this, but find some m/f canon pairings you like and decide those characters are straight (for me, this is Romoine and Alice and Frank Longbottom, but not Jily or Hinny, so grain of salt there).

2. Make every friend group have a token straight or token straight couple. There are lots of sub friend groups you'll be working with, and you'll end up with a decent amount of straight people that way.

3. Assign a couple of friend groups to be "the straight ones." Like I said, queer people tend to accidentally attract each other, so it makes sense to have several groups that are mostly queer and several groups that are mostly straight. You can also pick a group that is specifically a mix of queer and straight people.

4. Find some characters you don't have many strong feelings about, especially ship-wise, and preemptively assign them to be straight before you get overly attached.

5. Leave an abundance of characters without relationships. This means that when you write them, even if you end out dropping a lot of ship tease with them and a friend, it can pass for a homoerotic straight friendship (which, like I said before, is fairly common).

6. Being aspec myself means I also tend to project that onto a lot of characters. While it definitely isn't the same as being straight, aspec characters are a very different flavor of queer that can provide some variety there. The same applies to trans characters (especially heterosexual trans characters).

You can also just still say "fuck it" and make them all gay. They're already wizards, you can make it as unrealistic as you want. I have personally never seen someone get annoyed over a fanfic being "too gay." At least not on tumblr and ao3. Maybe somewhere else, but like you said, this is gayland. I am a card carrying member of Sigmund Freud's Hate Club, but I do also believe everyone is a little bi. My parents are both straight, but they both have their little hear-me-outs for the other gender. Straight with exceptions is a thing.

Question?

I’m writing my fic, right? And I’m also thinking of doing a one shot about the Black family realizing that they’re all in secret gay relationships (the cousins, as in Regulus, Sirius, Narcissa, Andy, and Bellatrix.) And in both of them like everybody is gay. And yes this is tumblr, yes this is gayland, but seriously. How gay can I make this? Are people gonna be annoyed?

I don’t want to make it so I’m sort of playing a system of checks and balances with my relationships. But also, like, there’s a statistic and as much as I’d like to believe the ‘everyone is a little bisexual’ thing, that came from someone who thought homosexuality was a mental disability and a lot of people are just Straight. So what do I do then?

[joppaisla]

Bored, 19 (ish), and Weird: sort of nsfw..?

I hear screaming outside my door, not the murdery kind, that’s not this kind of book, or rather, journal. It’s a Friday night, and it seems like the rest of the world is having fun. Boys over at 1am, Drake playing from an RA’s room. It really does seem like every person on this floor is having fun. Except me.

Yes I know I’m being something of a sourpuss, spending my days complaining, or sleeping, or…well really nothing else. It’s a Friday night and what do I have to show for it? Well let’s look, I fished some strange cucumbers out of my fridge, I had put them at the wrong setting and when they defrosted they had become liquified insides and a still hard outside. It was like touching an alien’s penis, ok that wasn’t appropriate. Well my next activity of partying was just as grim, and embarrassing to share. After I threw away my strange squishy cucumber I was bored, and the first thing any human on this earth does when they are bored is masturbate.

It’s a go-to but also so depressing, most of the time I don’t even finish, its fun for a few moments, using my abused $15 bullet from Amazon but eventually it just gets sad. I start to see myself as the fruit fly living in my plants which has refused to die, lonely, slightly chubby, almost nineteen year old zapping herself for stimuli. That always takes me out of it. 

Next thing you know you’re drinking Trader Joe’s tea from a mug you stole from your roommate googling “Am I depressed? NO WebMD”. You get caught up in the semantics of it, “If I even have to ask I must be depressed” “No, a really depressed person doesn’t need an online quiz from 2013 to affirm them, you must be faking!!” 

I spend my time so wastefully I look up from my computer to see the sun has fallen, I get…sad. I wasn’t going to leave my room anyway, go outside and do what? Hang out with what friends? Go and get what food? Even though I was never going to leave my little cave I still feel sad knowing I can’t leave, at least not at the “raping hour”. 

So what’s the purpose of all this? What’s it mean to be a college freshman with no friends, no money, no job, no boyfriend or girlfriend. Well it means you invest in vibrators and one dollar ramen I’ll tell you that, but other than that? I have no idea. 

Freud told me that no-one who is happy ever daydreams, only the man with a unsatisfied life. I’d love to tell Freud beyond the grave how wrong he is but he truly isn't, at least not here. In fact I can’t wait for when I’m able to leave my classes and daydream. Mostly about romance and you know what but everything, from being a princess (yes I never grew out of those ones) to flying a plane, to being a celebrity, to writing the eulogy of an unknown family member. It’s honestly the best part of my day when I no longer have to pretend to live this life, I can do whatever I want, only of course in the confines of my brain.

That’s the worst part, being a brain, or a brain with a person attached. I am envois of every creature or insect I pass, I think “It has no idea how good a life it’s living”. I know it’s hard to hear from a white teenage girl in the middle of the midwest talk about the struggles of life and I don’t mean to mope but I truly think the bug has it better.

The bug has no needs it cannot meet, it wants food it gets food, it wants children it mates, none of this friends with benefits shit with bugs. Its life while yes full or fear and short lived will always be infinitely happier than the humans who step on it. It doesn’t have to every worry about matching socks or how their major and insect university will never make them any money. They struggle but are happy. 

When I get in these moods I try to reinvigorate myself by a good stalking of social media, stalking every girl I hate, every guy I’ve had sex with, sometimes a person is both of these things…Its a little pathetic to announce, imaging me, a spinster turned old hag looking through frenemies daily lives, chuckling a little to see they failed a test, gained weight, or got back with their ugly ex. For a moment I feel better, than my own patheticness seeps back in. Not only am I an old hag sitting along in my dark cold room on a Friday night but I can’t even doing it in peace.

Now I’ve exhausted every method of fighting off boredom and loneliness, everything returns here, back to nothing. Hey maybe I’ll try masturbating again.

[shinra-makonoid]

Yesterday I got another session of group therapy for the association I'm in and bruh I hate the shrink. I hate most of them, so I just know it's complicated on a general basis but here it's a combination of:

- She's a Freud sucker (I could feel it but I checked on LinkedIn, she also is a Jung sucker that's why she sounds like she's on the moon all the time).

- She thinks I'm an immature kid (yesterday she told me "You grew up [My name]" I don't think she'd say that to any other person in the group, especially because they're all 50+).

- She doesn't understand what I say and project her things on me all the time.

The last point was especially annoying because I talked about the fact that, basically, one dude that I saw one week, I couldn't recognize the next week and it disturbed me. Enough that it chose to not go anymore the weeks after, because I couldn't and I think it was ok for me to do so. Especially since I'm a newbie, I need to listen to myself and not go if I don't want to go, and I'm proud that I did because I think that if I didn't, it would be problematic and potentially harmful.

She not only didn't confirm the fact that it was okay not to go if I didn't feel like it, she also asked me why repeatedly, and then assumed that "I couldn't recognize him" and "it wasn't the same man" to me meant that it was his body "degrading" that disturbed me. When it was not.

I see every week people who become "degraded" (I hate that word but it's the one she used, I have a, albeit strange, fascination for emaciated bodies close to death so to me degradation is not the word, it's a transformation) and it doesn't phase me. I've seen open bedsore wounds on which you could see coxal bones and it doesn't phase me. Most of the people we see are very emaciated and become yellow/orangish or greyish with time or simply even more skinny with weeks. She projected that what I was saying was all about the body and so I had to correct her saying that it was about him not feeling like the same person, like cognitively he wasn't anymore, it was like he changed identity, it wasn't the same man, and it was scary. Like obviously he changed physically too, but that wasn't the point.

And then she and another person from the group asked me repeatedly why it was scary to me and I didn't want to answer, so they assumed that it meant I simply didn't want to think about it or dig deeper, when it was simply that I didn't want to share why it was frightening to me. Identity and its loss is just a super touchy topic to me for many reasons that are way too personal to share in a group, and I couldn't say it or have the space to properly think about how to say I didn't want to talk about it.

So in the end every time I think about it, I feel raw and angry. If the next time I decide not to go see a person because of some reason, I'm supposed to feel like I need to shut up about it and figure it myself unless I get interrogated in group therapy for the why(s).

And for the story, the main reasons as to why I felt scared is because we are a sac of meat with neurotransmitters, and that one flick of a switch we'd all be different people. I can't recognize my behaviour from years before, I struggle to feel like I'm the same person as I was as a child/teen, it would be a lie to say testosterone, childhood/later traumas didn't change fundamentally as a person. I could take a hit on the head and be a different person, I wouldn't be me anymore. It's that easy to be "someone else", and it's stressful as fuck. I know what it's like to not be recognized by your peers or past friends because "you changed". And I also think about how my grand mother saw her mother change with alzheimer, and I also think about how my mother changed because of her illness. It's family stuff, it's my own personal story, it's me asking myself "who am I really" and trying to let go of getting an answer for that question because it doesn't matter and it changes everyday. And I don't mean physically by all of this, I only mean cognitively (tho yeah the brain is physical and all... you know what I mean). That patient reflected that on me, and it's disturbing and scary, but that's not a topic I want to go through with a bunch of stranger in a group therapy. Because none of them know what it's like to struggle with identity, none of them understand the extent of being afraid of not being yourself, or not feeling connection with the memories of yourself from the past. And I don't mean anything about trans stuff by that, even if I wasn't trans I'd still struggle with that because it's probably due to some mental health issue.

And I think the angle the psychologists take was pretty bad too. Who says that the dude really changed? Who says he wasn't "like that" from the week before and that I just didn't realize it? I probably got scared out of my own mirror, not because the patient himself was something different than who he was the week before. We didn't talk about perception versus reality at all. She just HAD to know why I felt the way I did.

It's just... uuuugh. And when I said "maybe I'll think differently the next time this happens now that I lived that" she was just so nasty with her "you grew up uwu" like dude fuck off. Honestly it's just so annoying any time I see a shrink they have a whole bunch of ideas about who I am and never try to understand me as if I was a clean slate. Like they don't even try.

It doesn't help at all, it just makes me feel angry and misunderstood. I was fine with the idea that it was ok not to go if I didn't feel like it, and now if this happens again, I'll feel like this is a mistake and a failure on my part and then ask myself unnecessarily why I didn't go, and worse, force myself to go to "fight it" when it's not my goal at all. It's just completely stupid and counterproductive.

She is very dogmatic in regards to a few topics too. There was a question (not by me) of whether dying people wanted to have someone close to them before dying or not (considering they can't speak you can't ask for consent for ex). And the psychologist started saying that anthropologically the only answer was yes dying people want to have people close to them because it's always been done in society through rituals and all. Which didn't convince the person very much and the psychologist didn't want to have a discussion about it. She held The Truth about what dying people wanted (not to be alone) because people dying alone were like "animals" to her eyes and nobody would want that.

The real fact is that, I think something like 70% of people will die without their close people in the room with them. It just so happens that when a family member will go drink some coffee or something, the person will die at that point. To the point some hospital staff think people "choose" when they die. So... it's really debatable, and the psychologist didn't want to deal with the idea at all. It's just ugh.

I'm not very much looking forward to the next session, but it's part of the contract. I also know damn well that if I change it would be the same someplace else. I've dealt with enough shrinks to know it would. It's a me issue, but I can't fit in the box even if I try to play by the rules.