#i am afraid of feeling like this bc i don't want to go through another friend break up

[kim-jongin-s]

.

imagine receiving a message from your friend about how she doesn’t understand why she always gets left alone and by herself, and then f*cking off for the rest of the evening by going offline.

unfortunately said friend is me, and while i have do have friends and nice friends, none of them have time for me and i am no one’s priority. right now i am having an argument with my mom, and my messages asking for someone to listen to my worries are being unread. i understand, you have your time with your boyfriend, you are having much more fun than you would by chatting with me, you are probably not even thinking about me rn. but that doesn’t change how f*cking lonely i feel, how there is no one there for me, and how tired i am of battling life’s bullsh*t on my own, all alone all the time.

[dixonsbrat]

𖥔 𝐖𝐈𝐋𝐃𝐅𝐋𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑 𖥔

summary ; you make coriolanus feel like he's losing control.

pairing ; peacekeeper!coriolanus snow x district!reader

notes ; nothing just a whole bunch of fluff honestly. and i'm not even going to lie... i loved writing this one. i don't think i've written anything as fast as i wrote this bc it truly just flew out of me. this man really has me acting up and i am so here for it.

do not transfer, translate or share my work to any other sites.

coriolanus snow was never one to let himself be vulnerable in the eyes of another, and for as long as you had known him there was one thing you were always certain of, he had to be in control. he depended on it. craved it. the thought alone, of everything slipping from his grasp and not going to plan, made his head swirl and his skin crawl. 

so when he met you, he began to question himself. question everything he had been working for, everything he had been fighting for, as you slowly wiggled your way into his heart. he was taken by you, and that scared him. 

you were a breath of fresh air in his carefully curated world, a burst of colour amidst the struggles of his life. your spontaneity and liveliness enchanted him, capturing his attention and leaving him craving more. he had never felt this way about anything before. 

as you sat there in the beauty of the meadow, a gentle breeze brushed against your skin, carrying the scent of the wildflowers. the sunlight streamed through the canopy of leaves above, painting a warm hue across everything it touched. the tranquillity of it all enveloped you, filling your heart with a sense of contentment.

you and coriolanus were close together on an old picnic blanket you had found, not needing any words to communicate as you took in the peacefulness. his presence alone was enough to make you feel safe and at ease.

you watch on as his fingers trail through the grass, stopping when he comes across a dandelion, and plucks it from its root, “it certainly doesn’t compare to the roses grandma’am grows.”

“some people think of them as weeds, but not me. i think they’re beautiful all the same,” you add, bringing a smile to each of your faces, and take the flower from his hands. “in some ways, i feel just like them; a weed in a world where i should be seen as more.”

coriolanus observes you as you take a closer look at the small flower, appreciating its simple beauty. the yellow, though not as vibrant as a rose, held its own charm. you don’t hold it for long before he takes it back, twirling it with his thumb and forefinger. 

he stares at the flower for a moment before reaching to brush the stem behind your ear, his fingers then lingering as he trails them along the line of your jaw, sending a surge of emotions down your spine. you smile at him, it’s all you could do. if you spoke you weren’t sure what jumbled mess was sure to spew out. 

you bring your hand up to meet his, intertwining your fingers as you lean into his touch. his eyes bore into you, taking you in, appreciating your features under the sunlight. 

“look what you’ve done to me,” he whispers, as if it were some unspoken secret. which, in your case, it was. 

intrigued by his statement, you perk up, “and what exactly is it that i’ve done to you, coriolanus snow?” 

you watch him intently as he opens his mouth to speak, a thought lingering in his mind before he stops and lets his head fall between his shoulders instead. his silence is heavy, lingering in the air between you. you can almost feel the weight of the unspoken words pressing against your skin. 

you reach out tentatively, your hand hovering just inches from his, wanting desperately to bridge the distance but afraid of intruding. the two of you have always shared a deep connection, but something feels different today. something is weighing him down, and you yearn to understand. 

as he continues to fiddle absentmindedly with a blade of grass, you can see that his mind is working overtime. thoughts and feelings swirl like a whirlwind, causing his brow to furrow and his grip on the grass to tighten. 

eventually, he looks up, his eyes filled with a mixture of vulnerability and uncertainty. two things coriolanus liked to keep to himself. 

it’s then that you decide to break the silence. “what’s wrong, my love?” you ask softly, your voice barely above a whisper. “whatever it is, you don’t have to face it alone, you know.”

he looks at you, gratitude mingling with a wisp of fear in his eyes. whatever it was bothering him, you could see that it was taking its toll, and you simply wanted to take him in your arms and kiss it all away, but you knew that that wouldn’t help. 

“i don’t know what i’m doing anymore,” he finally answers. “i feel like i’m losing track of who i am and what i want, what i’ve always wanted, the longer i’m out here.”

“things can change, coriolanus, and you don’t always have to live up to others' expectations of you. especially, your own. so long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” his gaze falls from yours once again, but you refuse to let him suffer in silence anymore. so you reach for him, gathering his face between your fingers and pull him back towards you. “is it really such a bad thing? you get to be here with me.”

“that’s exactly the problem,” he admits, and your breath hitches momentarily as you wait for him to elaborate. “you make me feel like i’m losing control.”

for so long coriolanus had been bound by societal expectations and concerned with maintaining a pristine reputation. he had become so accustomed to a life ruled by rigid schedules and strict rules, never allowing himself to deviate from the norm. 

but with you, everything changed. 

you were afraid to ask, but you knew you had to, for your own piece of mind. “is that a good thing, or a bad thing?”

he reaches to touch your face this time, your hands falling from his, and he pulls you closer towards him until your faces were merely a couple inches apart. “i have never felt so free, and yet, so scared in my life.”

“is that a good thing, or a bad thing?” you ask the question a second time, this time with more hesitancy as your voice shakes slightly. 

“it’s the best thing.” tears well up in your eyes as his words sink in. you never imagined that you could have such a profound impact on someone’s life, let alone someone as lost and conflicted as he was. “you’re my wildflower, and while i might not have been looking for you, i certainly found you where i least expected it.”

he smiles, his hands caressing your cheeks, as your heart thrums loudly in your chest, overjoyed and so full of love. leaning forward, you close the space between you, pressing a tender kiss to his lips, so full of passion that it almost envelopes you completely. 

you had brought coriolanus a sense of newfound freedom, showing him the beauty of embracing life’s uncertainties and every unpredictable moment. your spirit was infectious, and he couldn’t help but be drawn to your untamed soul. 

as he fell deeper in love with you, he realised that his heart yearned for the wildness and unpredictability you offered. he saw the vibrant world through your eyes, letting go of his inhibitions and stepping out of his comfort zone. 

you became his wildflower, a symbol of untamed beauty and unapologetic love. 

as you hold each other close, only pulling away to catch your breath, but not daring to pull away too far, coriolanus runs his thumb across your bottom lip. then, with his voice filled with tenderness and newfound appreciation, he whispers, “my wildflower.”

[skrunksthatwunk]

actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.

he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.

a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).

but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.

and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.

he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.

and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal

[juniperpyre]

I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to be hateful towards you. I don’t think it’s fair to blame James for his and Lily’s death: whole victim blaming isn’t right. Voldemort was winning the war and the walls were closing in. Peter wasn’t just some friend - and it wasn’t only Peter that James was trusting. Lily and Sirius agree to Peter. Sirius was the one who came up with the plan. I feel like that goes beyond James and his moral views. His brother and wife also agree to Peter, wouldn’t that greatly impact James’s opinion? Yes, Remus, years after and harden by grief, thinks James was too blind, but again, Peter is wasn’t just some person - he had earned their trust, kept their secrets, and fought alongside them. I understand James had his flaws and I’m not denying them, but it wasn’t arrogance or black and white thinking that brought James down - love did. He loved Sirius and Peter.

this is about this post.

hi okay, i don't take this as hate lol, i am a bit frustrated bc i almost put a qualifier like "(of course their deaths are the fascists' fault)" but it felt unnecessary.

the idea of james' trust being a reason his family dies is thematically interesting to me. dumbledore's fatal flaw (fatal for a bunch of people, not just him) is not trusting people. he thinks lily and james trusted the wrong person. and they did.

but if just a few more people had known about the plan sirius never would have gone to azkaban. maybe peter would've been too afraid to go through with turning them over to voldy. so there's a narrative tension between trusting too much and not trusting enough. dumbledore is egotistical and should have created a more cooperative resistance rather than being the ultimate head.

i very much reject the idea that love brought james and lily down. again, this is bc it weakens the narrative. i really stand by:

his high self-regard and his loyalty meant he couldn't fathom someone he considered a best friend betraying him. if he sees someone as good, they must be good. he'd never been wrong before!

i have a lot to say about james potter and black & white thinking that's in drafts, so that's for another time.

the responsibility for james, lily, and harry's deaths falls on voldemort, peter, and arguably dumbledore. jily shouldn't have been having to make choices to save themselves from being murdered!!! however, that doesn't mean james and lily's choices had no impact.

giving james flaws that are normal, human flaws and relating them to his canon positive traits (trust & loyalty) and then seeing how the mix of those traits contributes to his and lily's death is interesting. it is complex and tragic, because no one is perfect, and that shouldn't be a death sentence.

i hc that james struggled a lot with how to be a husband and father since (in my hc) his dad died before he and lily married. i imagine that, as a man in the 70s, he feels like it's his job to protect his family (he doesn't think lily is weaker but damn these gender roles have hands) and not being able to do so bc his wife is in a group that is being genocided and they're both fighting a war eats him up

so i do imagine him making the call. he knows peter better than lily does, and sirius obviously doesn't get final say. so james makes the call that results in their deaths, and sirius comes up with the idea that results in their deaths, and lily is passive and allows these "wrong" choices.

this isn't a fair way of putting it, but it's how each character sees themselves. this isn't a real-world cause and effect, it's exploring themes present in the og books thru character analysis and hc

i talk fairly often about the DE being fascists so honestly i don't think i need to qualify my posts with "of course the DE are the villains and the order are just trying their damnedest"

[beanghostprincess]

I saw the strawhats chronic pain asks and had a moment of CROSS GUILD CHRONIC PAIN-

Crocodile is an amputee. Like. Canonically. Phantom pains.

Mihawk has HELLA light sensitivity vibes ((I Gift him,,,,, my migraines))

And Buggy? Oh my favorite little punching bag, I bet the spatial awareness necessary for his DF must he OFF THE CHARTS, not to mention bomb making, harmful chemicals, etc, I feel it in my bones that he has an autoimmune disorder of some kind and also migraines bc the highest flattery I can give is projection.

Ignore this if you wanna, t'was just a Thought, love your blog, Bean!!!!!! ♡♡♡♡♡♡

YAY CROSS GUILD ASK I AM IN SUCH A CROSS GUILD MOOD LATELY YESYESYESYES!!!!!!!! And I'm making this romantic because if I don't make cross guild gay I might die. Thank you.

Okay, so what I'm hearing here is that they keep their lights real low on their shared tent, and whenever they have meetings: At the start of their business relationship, they're still learning how to get used to being together. Buggy is used to stage lights but only for a while and he doesn't want these two to know another weak spot of him (also the pain around his whole body is killing him sometimes), so he tries to deal with the migraines and being uncomfortable because he knows that complaining will only lead to these two using him as a punching bag. But lucky for him, Mihawk does mention one day that he hates brightness (because edgy vampire can't say 'my head fucking hurts' like a functional human) and so he says something about candles. Buggy is afraid they might set the tent on fire but he prefers this over the headaches. Crocodile doesn't give a fuck about this, honestly. Then, they start growing closer and y'know, I'll just skip to them dating- They're dating. They share a tent there at Karai Bari. And now it's something to do instinctively? Like they just keep the lights low or light up some candles and they just live like that. Whenever they're on a ship they do this too.

Following what I just said, they're affectionate but like, in a weird way. Because, y'know, look at them. Buggy ends up crying and complaining about his headaches and also when his body won't stop hurting. He's a drama queen, of course, a diva. He lives flashily. Cries flashily, too. He always curls up beside Crocodile so the big big comfy man can provide him some comfort and warmth and pats on the head or something. Crocodile just runs his hook through his hair softly and lets him be annoying for a while until he falls asleep on top of him. If he has to do something he just??? Won't do it??? He's a pirate but he isn't a fucking monster. One day Mihawk catches them and they share that look of understanding that only cat owners understand, because God (Nika is the only one I believe in, something something amen) is watching and if you dare to move when a cat's in your lap, you go instantly to hell. On the other hand, when Buggy cries and Mihawk is the one around, he gives him some painkillers and turns off the lights completely to then read Buggy one of his books. He does this without saying a word and the first time this weird, silent sign of affection happens, Buggy is speechless. And also, yes, Mihawk can read in the dark perfectly well because he's a cat. He sees in the dark. I even think Buggy can see his gold eyes staring at him. They're like the headlights of a car. Oh, and Mihawk deals with his migraines in perfect silence but when it's a bad day he gets into a very irritable and irascible mood. Most people would be complaining about it but at least this way he's more talkative? Somehow? He's a bitch to Buggy for a while and then they just talk shit about other people together while Crocodile makes a comment like "If you're well enough to complain, you're well enough to continue worki-" and it's, like, the and only time Buggy instinctively throws a pillow at him to shut him up. Never again, though. Scary mafioso-looking boyfriend.

Now that we're talking about Crocodile, the phantom pains: They stress the fuck out of him. They're painful and uncomfortable and he wants to strangle somebody. On a good day, that somebody isn't Buggy. And on a bad day, Buggy really tries to be the sweetest fucking thing on earth by making everything comfortable for him and disappearing right away. Maybe he starts an argument with Mihawk for something stupid but they make up later, it's fine. But, you know what? Sometimes he needs comfort and somebody to distract him too, so one day (when Buggy is about to disappear for hours so he doesn't end up suffering the consequences of staying too long with him) he tells Buggy to stay. The clown is frightened, but he does what he's told and- And it's surprisingly sweet? Crocodile just tells him to talk to him. Explain something. Anything. Complain about the fucking weather or tell a joke. Anything. And Buggy is genuinely surprised but ends up either talking shit about people or telling him anecdotes or just reading him the paper. And Crocodile seems to like it??? A surprise for both, really, but the man actually likes having the clown around because it is working really well as a distraction and when Buggy is not being annoying Crocodile realizes why he loves him. He loves him when he's annoying too, though, he bullies him out of love. Sometimes he just tells Buggy to come sit on his lap and stay there and Crocodile is still in pain but somehow being with the clown makes him feel better. Mihawk tries to be comforting on these days too but it's more of a "you ought to rest, otherwise you'll be irritable all afternoon and you cannot keep frightening the subordinates" type of silent care than anything.

Also, I want to add Crocodile almost murdering a man one day because they were doing business with him on his ship and he had a lot of lights on (when he was asked not to) and both Mihawk and Buggy were visibly uncomfortable the second they entered the room. I love protective Crocodile. He looks like he'd just murder men without any remorse for talking shit about the other two. I like it.

[inchidentally]

I'm so curious to hear what you think about non RPF differences between Lando with Carlos, DR and Oscar. I don't do a lot of RPF shipping personally but your takes on all of them are so intriguing and feel pretty truthful. I feel like fandom ignores that it hasn't all been smooth sailing with Lando and his teammates and want to know what you think about the less rose-tinted side of that?

okay so jsyk I always end up a little rose-tinted even when talking about non-RPF Lando relationships but I like to hope I stay truthful in terms of not inventing any kind of sexual/dating/etc narrative that just doesn't exist. and I'm afraid I'm about to go insane in my response so hopefully you don't mind that either lol.

also @twinkodium is so much better at timelines than I am so pls can you add your part to this if you get a chance??

so just to establish which I think we all know: Lando has a tendency to take his warm heart out of his chest and hold it up to anyone who seems even remotely kind or friendly. yes, he's got a bite to him and a temper but honestly that's all also part of being far too open to people. if a person - especially other men and boys - show him even a hint of affection or camaraderie then he's all in immediately. especially as the youngest driver on the grid for so many years.

truly, I think Carlos and Daniel didn't know what to do when Lando put his little beating heart into their big, clumsy hands. the fact that the level of openness and devotion they got - immediately - from Lando was so much down to Lando's insecurity in F1 and how much he was dealing with mentally, was way too much for two guys who honestly only expect to have a laugh sometimes with their teammate. maybe be chummy enough to hang out sometimes and make media responsibilities less tedious.

and Lando was so happy to be the adoring satellite, shrieking with laughter over all their jokes in exchange for him latching securely onto an established F1 personality. but Carlos and Daniel were running the show while they were his teammates - they were the entertainment and Lando was sort of a conduit for the adoring fans. and what's interesting is I think that we can pretty visibly see the turn with each of them where Lando came thudding down to that realization himself. that he would have to change his own ideas about friendship with both of them in order to remain friends at all. there's the infamous 2020 carlando "breakup" gifset (here) where Lando's face just sours at Carlos in his traitorous blood red suit making some offhand comment

and Lando cuts such a wide berth from him that it puts two whole people between them. by the time Lando reaches the reporters waiting at the media pen, his face looks gray and set

and it's like damn, we straight up witnessed Lando standing up for himself and setting up some boundaries with Carlos.

the moments with Daniel were more scattered but you could see them when Daniel was doing his usual attempts at the bromance thing and sometimes Lando was just. not. having it. there's the moment in particular of Daniel coming up behind him and hooking his chin over Lando's shoulder and oh. you can feel the coolness coming off Lando bc he's genuinely going through something and needs a friend, not another performance for the cameras.

ohhhh and the response of "no one" when asked who his best friend was on the grid was before casting around a bit and finally saying Carlos. parallel that to his irritated dismissal of the journalist pushing for carlando in Vegas and reminding them that none of these guys are his real friends they're his F1 buddies and he "hates them" when racing them. by the time 2023 rolled around Lando grew up, set up boundaries and will only give what he chooses to his friendships with Carlos and Daniel. which is overall so much healthier and has probably ensured that those friendship didn't die out completely. but they're not what they once were for him. Carlos and Daniel are allowed to visit the garden of Eden that is being fully intimate with Lando - but the gates always shut behind them when it’s time to leave.

genuinely I don't blame Carlos or even Daniel (even if I don't like a lot about him) bc literally neither of them has ever had a friend like Lando - and probably don't know any guy like him. and they're both such Typical Dudes - as well as being fully a different generation to Lando - so how were they supposed to know a sensitive, naive kid like this would be in F1 let alone their teammate? guys they know never butterfly themselves open to other guys except for extremely long term friendships - if even then. Lando above all wants to have a good heart and he just trusts people, and while it makes men absolutely crazy about him it's surely got to get him hurt a lot. you can even see it with his media pen work where he reacts to difficult questions or fairly open hostility with a wide disarming smile because he'd rather bring someone round than openly fight with them. even Daniel who definitely utilizes his smile to dominate and disarm can still easily be baited into hostility compared to Lando. but when someone persists in being a twat to Lando, he just closes off with that cold, sour look and bam. that moron just lost themselves any access to the garden of Eden.

and I'm not saying we know enough about Oscar to say that Lando's heart is definitely safe with him, but the absolutely huge difference is that Oscar came into being his teammate fully aware of who Lando is and he was willing to hold back and be content just being a teammate and let a friendship develop if Lando felt so inclined. *hint: this sign of respect and deference will be significant!

like we saw how they fell into this twinning thing at first where Oscar would mirror Lando a lot of the time - out of nerves but also deference. then as the season went on and the car still struggled, they developed sort of a tentative camaraderie born out of equally blighted hopes.

but what's really interesting is how much Silverstone was truly the turning point and not even in a fandom goggles sense. I isolated the following moments out in a video below: there's this hilarious little moment right before the fan stage where Oscar is asking Lando something like 'what's that (playing)?' and Lando seems to think Oscar is referring to the (very obvious) crowd noise and Oscar goes "no not them you idiot the song!" and it goes back and forth wayyy too long for the brain cells I would like to assume they have before they finally work out between them what song is playing.

and Lando had by the time of the fan stage momentarily set aside his own euphoria and positively showered Oscar with praise at press briefing after the race. he also repeated it at the fan stage in front of Oscar for good measure! and clearly loves it when Oscar says how he was rooting for Lando leading the race at one point.

then, like something out of a movie, as they're posing for the photo in front of the crowd, Oscar slips that arm around Lando's waist and urges him closer and you can see the whole of every thought on Lando's face. the look of surprise as Oscar's strong arm jostles his body a little, the blossoming delight, the 'woah is he really initiating this? he never does this!', and finally the big beaming smile as he wraps his arm around Oscar and settles in.

and just a few races later when Lando has another podium under his belt and has qualified 2nd at the Dutch GP, there's this other movie moment where it suddenly clicks for Lando… Oscar will always show up for him no matter what. not just when they're both doing well or both struggling, he'll always show up for Lando. out loud and where everyone can see but without a hint of performance to it.

and when you scroll through @piastrisms wonderful post-race gif compilations, you can see that dynamic shift even more to the suddenly much more tentative but openly kind of 'crushing' on each other. Oscar starts to let himself think that maybe, just maybe! the Lando of his 8-year social media obsession really likes Oscar for who he is and not just as a team obligation! this leads to him taking a few more risks during the McLaren challenges and by the time they film the beloved Austin material, Oscar has actually started to surprise Lando. from there on you can see Oscar's relief at making Lando really laugh and smile build his confidence right at the exact same time that Lando looks thrown off center and his boundaries start falling away. that mirroring they used to do started to build into trusting each other, which then led to them genuinely liking each other, and then mutually wanting to stay together as teammates. and isn't that level of security something new for Lando!

and you know what I noticed in all this that has me frothing and biting? that instead of Lando handing his beating heart over to his teammates and having it bruised and withdrawn? with Oscar, it's been the exact opposite. Lando had finally decided to be cautious from the start and keep this new anomaly teammate at arm's length - and for a while felt relieved bc the anomaly turned out to be so damn competent and quick! *oh and the anomaly was showing a level of respect and deference that Lando was not at all used to, which was so very nice but also ?? was the anomaly a little bit cold toward him ?? but then Silverstone happened and dawn broke. we finished the season out with Lando actually looking to Oscar for affirmations and wriggling excitedly and looking at Oscar with that wide-open expression on his face and Lando clearly beginning to wonder if maybe his sacred heart might fit comfortably in Oscar's hands that are smaller and gentler than the other men he's known on the grid? maybe how much more steady and careful and devoted Oscar is when it comes to his racing is reflected in how he has treated Lando, so unlike the usual "Lando effect" bromances that get all the attention and that the cameras and fans eat up. maybe the big, traditional handsome alphas and their big displays of affection are one kind of friend for Lando but perhaps not so good as a teammate. and maybe a friendship that grows too steadily and quietly for networks and social media teams to take much of an interest is another kind of friend, and maybe just the right kind of teammate.

[bitchlessdino]

as my favorite dinonara, how do u feel abt chan fucking you to i don't understand but ily AND also murmuring the lyrics in your ear as he's thrusting into you???

An: Just read the eng lyrics and in accurate fashion, imagined it happening in Korean 😭 Personally, I’d walk into a burning building bc I’m already feeling hot from Chan 🥲🥲 (First instinct: why are you being unoriginal and using your lyrics at me???) Also these lyrics are roughly translated and restructured to make sense and annotated for my amusement

DNI INTERACT MINORS

When I saw you, the room stopped and my senses heighten. Only seeing you made my insides jealous of what I was seeing (And not feeling stgdhfjf)

*thrust* lol.

(Zoom) on your heavy scent, I'm more afraid that it will get erased in between thе dizzy words (yeah bc it’s such a good fuck 😭)

Biting your ear, caressing your body, plunging himself inside you. Already drunk on the power you held over him. He’s afraid to slur the words you already couldn’t understand.

No matter languages or times, you don't have to understand any of it. Just the password between us. It’ll open us both (literally and figuratively)(having a secret language with your partner whom speaks another language. Fuck )

Hands smoothing over your hot cheeks, drinking in your whimpers, your moans, his name of your lips but that sinfully beautiful way that made him want to fuck inside you deeper, harder. He catches the shedding tears under his thumb. (His name just happened to be one of the passwords)

With all the words that exists in the world its enough for just the two of us to know my greed for you. My growing feelings for you. (The way I would fucking collapse)

He'd pin you back on the bed, momentarily in control of you and his senses, until they slid over your palms and fingers are laced through yours. His grunts and moans embedded between each thick and intoxicating phrase was the only thing you could understand, but like he said, it was enough.

You know, there are more important things than words between us, right? (The way I would be alive and crying out of my p—)

The way it’s phrased as a question makes you impulsively nod. You could be signing a slave deal but it’d be fine also as it’d be with Chan and only Chan.

Look at it with your eyes closed. Feel you and me. Not bound by time or day…Us both together anywhere. (Anywhere anytime Chan I am here 👁️👁️)

Chan could hardly understand what he was saying but in the moment it’s how he felt, how you felt, how the world around you felt. He grinds down on hips, digging into and fragility of you slowing but surely coming apart for him. Liquid gold seeped through both you crevices, sweat of your skin sweet and salt as their stripped from his tongue gingerly. You whine a mess, throat flexing in real time as you tried staying focus on him, only him.

Even though I don't understand, I can know you

Somehow you know it too. His kisses sometimes delicate then turning ravenously, and you feel his teeth scrap over your pebbles skin before they create uneven grooves shaping into the perfect mark. For you, only you.

The language barrier is just an illusion. (This lmao gives me love talk vibes ‘ I can hear you calling’) You know that I also don't believe myself but you still believed in me

There was a time where you thought you were from two different worlds and didn’t expect to build a connection, yet here you were. Languages exchanged. Foreign words going to one ear and out the other. But somehow, someway, it all couldn’t be more crystal clear. The support system you found in one another what’s all you need to understand. And you found that clear hearing him, feeling him, tasting him tend to your to your every need.

Only inside of you I can bloom spreading my fire (EXCUSE MEEEE THE SAY I SCREAMED BTW ‘only inside you’ is a direct translation WTF)

You’re mumbling at this point, mind in a haze from tsunami of your climax, contorting you in his long, rooted thrusts as he’s bottoming out in you. His body crushes your body and your soul, aching to giving yourself to him in its entirety. There wasn’t a damn thing in the world that could tell you otherwise. His hands against you were pure magic, unattainable anywhere else, and his sweet lower timber touches every patch of your skin, making you hot with need. Even after you’ve succumb to one orgasm. He’s ready for another, and plentiful to give you until your body gives out for days just as he’s felt starved for days, weeks, years.

Chan’s not sure if you’re speaking in your language or if you were just that fucked by his raging, warmth inside you. He leans in again, face close, kissing you as desperate as you feel and finally in a language you do comprehend,

I don’t understand but I love you…I love you (there’s so much to unpack here, but yes, I’ll marry you)

This was so much fun!!! I’ve never done this before but I’m down to do it again! Also he’ll is especially hot for elv that put these rot thots in my head.

[little-wolfpuppy]

More Keith and Shiro HCs

Both in general and Agere/CG I am very mentally ill about them

TWs for mentions of forms of SH (ED, overworking) and skin to skin contact

Keith Akira Kogane

TRANS!! MAN!! KEITH!!

Korean-American (& Galra)

He/They but totally would say "I dont care what you call me" (If you She/Her him he will deck you)

Biromantic Grey-Asexual?

Trains night and day only partly bc he has a need to constantly improve, its a way to harm thier body without leaving any real physial marks

Does those (stupid, practically ED behavior) diets of like plain chicken and white rice

He is amazing with kids; defenetly voulentered at kids homes with Shiro when they were younger

His grumpy and tempermental attitude is mostly a mask used to hide and protect his feelings

Incredebly protective of his freinds

Was totally in the Alternitive scene - maybe Punk or Emo

Flip, slight Caregiver lean, Regresses either to around 3 or to angsty teenspace

As a Caregiver trust he is so overprotective

He can and will get in physical fights if someone hurts his kiddo

Big brother Caregiver for sure, Call him Hyung/Oppa and he might cry /pos

His go-to nickname is Kiddo or Little (whatever color paladin you are)

Will carry his little sibling around (He gets an ego boost showing off how strong he is)

In TEENSPACE he has even less emotional regulation, he ends up punching things and then crying after

Teenspace Keith also does still try to protect everyone

Instead of getting angry when Lance teases him Teenspace Keith tears up and you won't see him for hours because he's embaressed

Toddler Keith is either very calm and well behaved or a menace

Mostly he really just wants to cuddle, maybe watch some cartoons

But if hes in a mood or someone upsets him? He can and will scream-cry

throws toys at Lance if the Cuban upset him close to before he regressed ;-;

Takashi "Shiro" Shirogane

He/Him

Bi

The Dad™ of the group

Was Keith's older brother figure long before either of them got in the academy - they met when Shiro was 12 and Keith was 6 <3

Breifly trained in the military after the academy

Still follows a military-like scedule, starting at god-way-too-early in the morning-

This man has PTSD, not only from being tormented by the Galra Empire but from his childhood as well

100% has or had tatoos on his bicep(s)

Caregiver, "Taking care of you helps me feel better too"

Dada/Papa Caregiver

Strict on rules but only to keep his regressor safe - If they get spooked by a scolding he holds them and promises over and over he's not mad, he never wants his baby to be afraid of him, you just need to be safe, he cant have you getting hurt...

loves skin to skin, especially with baby regressors, he can and will walk around shirtless in a babywrap with his kiddo tucked against his chest sleeping. He finds the contact just as relaxing and soothing as his regressor does

Lets you crawl into bed with him if you're particuraly small or don't like sleeping alone.

Make healthy AND yummy snacks and meals and ALWAYS keeps your sensory issues and prefrences in mind

Ever-patient with meltdowns and tantrums, talking his regressor through feelings, UNLESS they are hurthing themselves or someone else, in which case he will hold them or take them to another room to calm down. ALWAYS communicating the whys and helping his regressor understand the world

Dividers 1 / 2 / 2.5 / 3 / 3.5

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for some old people dying because I made copies of my keys?

I know this sounds pretty bad but bear with me here. I don't think I'm the asshole, I mean I wasn't even the one to kill them?

So I (27 M) am on a road trip vacation with my new boyfriend (28 M)--it's super recent, but I think this guy's the real deal, maybe even the person I want to spend my life with. We're just doing normal tourist things, sight-seeing, trying different foods and drinks, adopting lost children, you know how it is. Both the boyfriend and I have been through some stuff in the past so it's a relief to meet someone who isn't judgemental, and I'm just looking forward to the future with him.

The problem started because everybody else in the town we're staying at became obsessed with this like, secret bunker a crazy guy built over 20 years ago, as if it holds the secrets of the universe. Personally, I think it's all bs, and so does my boyfriend, so we just try to mind our business and stay out of it. But one night as we're going back to our hotel, a weird guy attacks us and tries to drug us--actually the guy is sort of my former employee, but that's another story and he was going behind my back anyway. So we kill the dude, obviously, and it turns out he's carrying a pair of keys to the secret bunker (note that the bunker has a very complicated security system, so those keys are NOT enough to open it by themselves).

At this point, I'm kind of nervous that my boyfriend will get drawn into this stupid conspiracy, but he says he doesn't care about the keys at all and gives them to me. Well, this is where I may have been the asshole, because I kind of ordered a bunch of copies of the keys made and distributed them across town without my boyfriend knowing. Then I got robbed and lost the original pair. So later as we're enjoying a romantic evening, we notice that people all across town are fighting. Turns out they caught wind that a pair of the bunker keys were going around, and they keep trying to steal them from each other (bc they're too stupid to realize there's like way more copies than there should be).

The bad part is, the mayor of the town enlisted this group of, well, really respected retirees, to help him with the key situation, and they ended up getting killed by all the people trying to steal the keys. Obviously I think this sucks because the old guys were actually neat, unlike the other idiots in this town, but my boyfriend thinks it's my fault they died because I made the copies?? I think this is unreasonable, because I didn't do anything to them. I didn't make the other people start fighting either, and it was the mayor who decided to involve a bunch of people peacefully living in retirement!

My boyfriend was laying on the blame pretty thick, so I kinda snapped at him and reminded him he's gotten people killed himself in the past. Admittedly it wasn't the best move to throw something he feels guilty about in his face, but I was only trying to point out the hypocrisy. Now he's stormed off in a huff and he's refusing to talk to me. I'm afraid he's going to break up with me. AITA?

[shmowder]

It's 5 am (.... don't even ask, this certainly isn't the first time and it won't be the last 😅) so there isn't going to be a lot of substance here but PLAGUE DOCTOR READER HELL YES I am once again saying your knowledge of herbs is immense and your beak is huge. Even orderly reader could be something. They'd still get the cool bird costume!

"The herbbride x reader was because I wanted to smooch a herb bride pls let pls :"(((" Pathologic dating sim when!!!!

I think you have a point about detailed readers, and I'm not just saying that ^^ Especially in a longer fic, having a specific job and/or background can definitely help build the story and anchor the reader to the universe. The real problem for me arises when the reader's personality is well-defined for no reason (for instance, if the prompt is specifically about shy reader or bratty reader). Like I was once reading this random set of general headcanons and the reader was bold and sassy and rebellious and I was like who tf is this person. The more I attempt to describe this issue the more I realize it might just be a me problem :o)

Stopppp no bc I also thought the Big Vlad comment was kinda 👀 Then again, he called me a gullible kid in the same breath. Which is kind of accurate so I don't really mind.

Man that concept art of the Stamatins is cool. Andrey's animal being a shark is perfect; so is Capella+butterfly and Maria+cobra.

-

It makes me really happy to hear that these conversations are making the game more fun! I feel lucky to have found your blog, too. <3

Some random stuff I've been thinking about your BG3 blog for a few days, since I had another look at it recently. First of all the drabbles masterlist?? Holy shit you've written so much, it's amazing! I had only checked out your "my works" link before. Crybaby Tav my kindred spirit. And I'm obsessed with how organized everything is.

Your OC Sol is stunning!! I think it's so cute that you even have a section dedicated to other people's OCs. I've been trying on and off for a while to perfect my OC using the Sims 4. My favorite thing about the Sims 4 is as soon as I open the game I immediately forget what a human face is supposed to look like. Still, it's fun even though I'm not 100% satisfied yet.

🐿️ anon

or

Plague doctor Reader after some surgeon's grass potions are more effective at combating the plague than the leeches you've been administrating to the sick:

(they were expensive leeches) (it was your last jar too)

The fun a plague doctor reader would have in pathologic, it is literally plague utopia, isn't it? Daniil having to come to terms that someone like you holds the same authority and prestigious standing as someone like his will never not be hilarious.

Also, the mental image of plague-doctor!reader being"I'm a healer.... but" *relaods shotgun*

would the leeches work? theoretically they should since it was the earth blood which cured the illness. Which annoys Daniil even more that your barbaric and outdated methods are more effective than his pharmaceutical antibiotics but they're still less effective than Artemy's tinctures.

The executors or orderlies follow after the reader instead of the bachelor, akin to a bunch of small chicks trailing after their mother hen.

Daniil is mean and yells a lot. You're nice. They'd rather follow your orders instead.

Also the whole gothic look? The long beak, the anonymity of the mask, the black coat and gloves. It's just so intriguing, rumours about how you must look like under the mask keep spreading through out the town and people are getting more and more curious.

you're like a doctor doctor, not a philosophy doctor like Daniil or a priest surgeon like Artemy. You aren't afraid to go to extreme measures to cure this plague which is clearly the work of the devil. Carrying viles of acid around and managing to makeshift a small lab to conduct your experiments in, making various concoctions and trying them out on the helpless paitents. Some work, others melt their eyes off, it's still a work in progress.

-

About the Bg3 blog. lmao yeah I wrote so much, i even made some original characters like the loser high elf for the human kink thing. It was an amazing time, I hope i stay in the pathologic fandom for just as long and leave a similar legacy behind.

Thank you so much! Sol is my first ever OC, i love them more than the sun <3 I wanted to make an irredeemable unlovable character and shower them with absolute love and adoration.

Oh god crybaby!tav. Those were the good times. Like sure I enjoy being a strong and capable reader, but sometimes a reader who's helpless as a kitten and constantly tears up at the slightest misfortune is just so fun to write!

Clinging to whoever comes to save you, relying on them to solve your problems. Continously making bad choices or tripping, endangering yourself without realising it because you're just so oblivious and they need to rush in and immediately whisk you away because you just can't function on your own.

Keeping you under watch constantly. You're too air headed to realise how dire the situation is, too naive and trusting.

A reader like that would make Daniil's hair sprout grey, frustrating him endlessly as he has to urgently drop his responsibilities and run across the town because you wandered too far into the steppe to pick pretty flowers and now you're lost, cold and confused and sleezy men won't stop eyeing you.

Or an Artemy that doesn't believe it when you actually sat on his lap after he threw a teasing remark that you look like a lost pet sitting alone at the bar. Who is concerned that you're so willing to trust this hulking gaint surgeon who could break you in half. Who's brain can't function because you keep fidgeting on his lap, unawarly pressing yourself against him.

Alexander Saburov might just be the most fun out of these bunch to have a crybaby reader running to him at every minor problem or inconvenience. He's cooing at you while wiping your tears, asking what's wrong? He'll make it right, you're safe with him. His ego tiples in size the more you cling to his arm when walking in dangerous areas, his back straightness more as you refuse the help from any other person but him, even telling Victor Kain himself to not get near you because he scares you while hugging Alexander instead.

You'd send Yulia into an early grave, everyday is an almost heart attack with that woman who's trying her best. No matter how many lectures on safety or being independent she gives you, her words are too big for your brain and you zone out halfway through. Thinking that the worried expression on her face is super adorable, interrupting her speech with a kiss and making a fuse blow in her brain as she immediately forgets what she was speaking about. The usually collected Yulia, flustered and stuttering as you ask for more kisses.

-

Your comment about playing the sims made me actually choke with laughter I cannot coahxoqjkdkq I feel you. God I do.

[its-all-papaya]

excuse me for coming into your askbox and yelling but FIRST!! how GOODDAMN GOOD was the prompt fill for my ask for 13 (desperately)!??!?!?!? i wasn't expecting that AT ALL like the way you have with words!?!??! i LOVED the words in different languages that you so smoothly fit in there, how you wrote them and the way it came together was just so beautiful 🥹 i was legit crying happy tears at the end!! but SECOND now WHAT THE FUCK was that prompt fill for 48?? you BROKE ME, i don't even really understand what exactly happend in that one (pls explain in short if you'd like) but the desperation seeped through my screen and my EMOTIONS are ALL OVER THE PLACE now and i am truly moved by the piece. THANK YOU but also WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

okay there are layers here so first:

YAY SO GLAD YOU LIKED 13!! I'm so proud of desperately, I was so scared to write lestappen bc (again) I was simply not around F1 for the majority of their development, so it feels much scarier with less to pull from in my brain. But!! I loved the way it came together, and I'm glad you enjoyed <3

okay... 48... because the world is ending. I am... SO GLAD you asked bc I've actually been dying to talk about this since I wrote it. It feels like I'm unveiling some of the mystery I purposely put into it but also I am shaking crying begging to discuss this piece so uh... under the break xoxo

The thing about that prompt is I started writing it FULLY intending for it to be about the actual end of the world. My vision was like... Charles hears the world is ending and realizes that the one thing he wants to do is confess to Max blah blah etc etc. But I started typing and I wrote that first paragraph like half out of the shower bc I was afraid I was going to forget it while I finished, then I started the second paragraph and it was truly just going to be like... scene setting ahead of Charles learning the news. I got to the part about the television always being on bc I wanted him to background overhear and passively learn the news on accident. But "There’s a trophy case next to it, dusty with neglect. The top shelf is empty. It always has been." appeared out of actual literal thin air?? and from THERE I was like. No. I have something better. SO.

48 is still about the actual end of the world if you want to read it that way. BUT. 48 is also about Charles retiring from Formula 1 without ever winning a WDC. If you would like to read it that way. If you take road number one, the news comes that the world is ending and they've got days until it does, and Max calls Charles and invites him to his place and Charles goes.

IF YOU TAKE ROAD NUMBER TWO. Loosely, Charles has a contract in hand and is making his decision but taking too long so Ferrari gives him an ultimatum or whatever. In this case, the phone call could be from team principal or whoever you please. And Charles decides on his own to go see Max about it. In both options, my working concept is Max retired out of nowhere a-la Nico Rosberg after winning his eighth WDC or whatever. And he disappeared and Charles hasn't seen him since the final race of that season ("his face looks the same as it had that day in December, glowing in the reflection of another trophy"). Also they used to fuck ("He knows Max’s voice...through the thick of a pillow, around his own wrist, shoved between his teeth"). So Charles goes to Max because he needs to decide what to do except he's kind of already decided and just like. Needs Max there while he admits it to himself. And then they have their weird little standoff and makeout and have emotional sex bc Charles is letting go of the dream he's always had and he's doing it alongside (via?) his lifelong rival, who achieved everything Charles wanted. And then left Charles alone with his desperation.

I actually don't know how lestappen reaches this itchy part of my brain, but 48 is one of my favorite things I've ever written and it came together in literally an hour and a half. "'What did it feel like?' 'Which one?'" made me cry literal physical tears writing it because Charles is just desperately grieving the dream he's had his whole life and begging Max to give him anything to know whether it's worth it to keep fighting, and Max is not flippant but so... literal? about it? Which is so Max to me. I love the way it came out SO MUCH. so much.

ANYWAY that was not short, that was long, but I'm so so glad you asked, thank you genuinely for the compliment and for giving me this opening to rant about this little bby piece that I adore so deeply.

Feel free to visit my ask box again any time, anon 🫶

[ethanlandryshotwife]

Hello 😊 how are you?

I’ve been wondering please write Xavier x shy femreader who’s a normie and they’re dating. When every time she visit Xavier at the weathervane (I don’t drink coffee, I’m hot chocolate heavy on the whipped cream), her jock best friend along with his friends go with her bc they wanted to see Xavier being clingy lovey dovey towards her. Bonus: she & her friends are also friends with Eugene Ottinger & Wednesday Addams

𝐖𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐧𝐞-𝐗𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐫 𝐓.

SUMMARY: Xavier and Y/n want their friends to meet, little do they know they all made a bet on who is the clingiest.

PAIRING: Xavier Thorpe x Reader

WARNING: grammar mistakes, Xavier being a clingy hoe.

A/n: I totally agree with the hot chocolate I don't like coffee because it doesn't taste right for some reason. Thank you for this request! if you have any more don't be afraid to share<3

Words:552

This is horribly written but anyways.

___

Are you sure that your friends are okay, with me being a normie?

I text Xavier unsure about this whole thing. Me and Xavier wanted to meet each other's friends, but I am getting bad feelings about this. I hope everything goes smoothly.

Baby there is no need to be nervous they're going to love you

He replied in a matter of seconds:

Nevermore students usually hate norms because they hate them. I do not find harm to people who are different.

"Y/nnnn." A familiar voice sings from outside my room. "Are you ready?" Jaden asks me.

I have known Jaden since 1st grade. Some kids had snatched my animal crackers out of my hand, and Jaden took them back and pushed the kid onto the ground.

"Yeah, I guess,'' I answer, I grab my shoes from my shoe rack and I walk out of my room.

Once I enter the living room, I see my friends.

Tay, Jamie, & Hayden. I met all of them through Jaden. They're all like brothers to me.

They all wanted to meet Xavier to make sure 'He was right for me, ’ as they would put it.

“Hurry up we’re ready to meet your lover boy.” Jamie says. I blush at the fact that they call Xavier my lover boy.

"Let me put my shoes on." I say.

Jaden drives us to weathervane. The whole car ride was just them teasing me about Xavier.

We were the first to arrive. I picked up a booth close to the door. About two minutes later, Xavier and his friends walked through the door.

Xavier, Enid, Ajax, and Wednesdays walked toward the booth. "Hey, baby." Xavier said, then, leaning in and giving me a kiss.

Xavier slides next to me. His friends found places to sit. "Hi, I'm Enid nice to meet you!" A cheery blonde girl with pink and blue ends says, holding out her hand to shake.

"I'm Y/n." I say shaking her hand. Everyone then introduces themselves to one another.

"We've heard a lot about you." Ajax says from across the table: "A lot would be an understatement." Wednesday adds. Xavier goes red at the comment, and so do I.

The group then started talking about other things. Xavier slides his hand into mine. "I love you." he leans over and says into my ear, and I feel my face heat up.

"I love you too." I whisper into his ear. "Are you guys even listening?" Tay said, causing the whole table to look at me and Xavier.

"Me, Wednesday, Ajax, and Hayden clearly already won the bet, you guys might as well give up." Jaden says. "What I bet?'' I ask them.

Everyone's face panics except for me, Xavier, and Wednesday's natural glare.

''Idiot." Jamie says smacking the back of Jaden's head "What are you guys talking about?" Xavier asks.

"Jaden should be the one to tell them since he blabbed about it." Ajax says. "That's not fair!" Jaden whines as a two-year-old would. "Fuck! I'll do it!" Enid says rolling her eyes at the boys childist behavor.

"So basically everyone made a bet on who would be the clingiest." Enid explains.

"Anyways, I clearly one nothing new." Jaden says "You guys are so childish." I giggle.

"Who was the clingiest though?" Xavier asked

___

Send me request<3

[cuppa-ale]

I really wish that I was more interested in things. More invested and curious w/o someone needing to show it to me directly. Right now, I feel like it's really difficult because no matter what I do, I feel empty and lonely and it feels like a self-perpetuating cycle.

I want to be enthusiastic and into things, but I feel like I'm going to be abandoned or shrugged off and I can't shake that lonely feeling that makes me feel sick. And yet I also know that I can't be part of anything or get other people interested if I'm not interested, but I feel so sick because of the loneliness that I don't even want to try for fear of hurting myself more, and it loops all around. I don't want to think this way. Sometimes I don't, but it always comes back.

I feel like I desperately want to ask for validation and attention, yet I feel dumb because of that- yet I would never begrudge anyone else for wanting the same. I actually wish that people were more upfront like that, because it's normal to want those things, and no one can know if you don't speak up. Sometimes people just don't know or are socially awkward, speaking from experience. And I'm often left wondering and guessing about what I can or can't do, so somebody being upfront would be so, so massively helpful.

And yet I also know why I try to keep most people at arms' length too- I feel so afraid that I can't trust them to not hurt or abandon me or someone else for liking a character or a ship or whatever that they don't. And that may sound dumb as hell (because it is) but that also makes it extremely hard to find community or camaraderie in fan or hobby circles in general. There is always, always a hint of doubt in my mind and I hate it. I don't want to go through that again. God, I don't want to go through that again.

And I worry that I don't have much to offer another person bc of how sincerely exhausted and hermited I am.

I feel overworked and overwhelmed in my daily life. Even if I could get past this anxiety, I barely have time for anything outside of manual labor, housekeeping, caretaking, and yet I still feel like a disappointment and that I could be doing more if my brain wasn't so fucked up.

I am so tired. And I feel like I really don't have an escape or outlet. I feel so mediocre and selfish because I want so badly for someone to hold me and pay attention to me and help me and remind me that I'm not a lost cause piece of trash. But I'm also very aware of the fact that nobody can fix me or make my problems go away. I feel like I'm not happy no matter what and that scares me.

I feel like it also doesn't even matter what I do or don't do because no one is paying attention. That's probably really stupid too, but that's the mindset I get sometimes. I don't like thinking that way either.

I don't want to do things for the sake of attention or validation because that's not the reason why I do them, and I never ever want that to be the reason why. And yet I know that's what I crave, and it always rears its ugly head.

I believe that this is part of why I like Crayzar and Tyetaynus so much- Tyetaynus has been implied to be obsessed with Crayzar for years, hunting him down and "making him pay" for leaving him- but meanwhile, Crayzar just seems to not give a shit about his brother, and I think there's so much angst and drama and shit you can pull from that it's nuts. And so I really really want to make art that explores that bc I find Tyetaynus to be a super cathartic character and I want to express that "grief of what never came to be", "all i wanted was you", "I'm going to make you hurt like you made me hurt", and anger and all of those emotions and I hope it comes through, but I may as well talk about it here bc it actually makes me feel sane.

So I try to redirect those feelings into art and characters and stories in general, because idk what else to do with them. But it worries me bc again, it makes it so, so difficult to just be chill and relax and feel like I can indulge or be curious about something bc I have this horrible, paranoid, looming feeling at all times that something is very wrong and that the something wrong is me and that everyone thinks it. (even if that's not the case. I fully believe that I suffer from paranoid delusions bc I've been affected by them so, so bad, only to find that it's unfounded or I'm just being dumb. I just want someone to tell me unequivocally at all times that everything is okay and I'm okay, and sometimes that's all I can think about.)

All I want to do is make stuff at the end of the day. The one thing I want to do above all else is make stuff, even if I have to find the time from being overworked and exhausted and sick. Even if I have to make myself sick while doing so, that is the very 1 one thing I want to do in this world before I leave it.

I want to work on the doll commission I started work on recently. I want to continue working on my OCs and preparations for my first original comic. I want to tell their stories. I want to draw weird and mushy and complicated ship art. I want to draw my brain wife. I want to draw silly self-inserts and whatever other trivial thing I can think of. I want to make gifts for my friends.

I want to keep going and I want to keep doing that no matter what. That's all I want to do. I have no choice. I want to make stuff and I want to share it and I want to keep doing that until I die, or until I no longer can.

[queen-mabs-revenge]

OK so first of all i am not a nate-needs-to-mortify-his-flesh-to-be-redeemed girlie so fucking jot that down. i don't think he needs to grovel, i don't even think we need an extended boo hoo apology scene for anyone involved. nate's story is about reconciliation with himself and others through real self-esteem and contentment, not about whatever christian penance brainrot ppl are coming up with.

but i am fucking baffled by that opening scene with isaac, colin and will visiting nate at work and how -- yet again -- really essential character beats are just happening off screen and we're supposed to be super chill and emotionally swept along by it all?

(long ass v critical post under the cut)

"we want you to come back to richmond" uhhhhhhhhhh "the whole team talked about it and it was unanimous" …….?????????????? like besides the fact that there is literally no established tactical reason why the team feels that they need nate to come back considering they're pretty fucking successful at the moment, the show has given us no reason to believe that would be a decision made by a team that is and needs to be protective of its current interpersonal dynamic!

now again, i want to be very fucking clear as i go through the following that i don't think that nate is homophobic and i'm not accusing him of that, and again i'm not here like 'oh colin needs an uwu special apology'. but lay out the facts as far as the players know (because that's all that's been on screen): nate tore up the sign and ~~someone~~ exposed information about ted's panic attacks to the press - they're himbos but i mean come on. the last interactions between nate and the team - and especially colin - were pretty targeted cruelty and belittlement laced with misogynistic language (that yes, has been used pretty casually throughout the dressing room - not just a nate thing), and then nate goes to work for a club owned by the man who fostered the toxic swamp richmond was to begin with? bro. bro.

literally my first thought was -- how is colin eager to invite someone back who - as far as he knows - clearly very personally hates him, and has leaked information about someone he supposedly liked and respected that he was told in confidence to cause targeted harm to that person… when he just came out within a trusted organization with no intention of coming out publicly??? like no matter how this show tries to shorthand that everything is OK now, because they put no work into reestablishing trust… there is no way colin would take his safety as 100% guaranteed in this situation, and him being the person to insist on talking to nate doesn't shorthand that away!!!

like for me, this mismatch stands out as some fucking straight nonsense again bc you cannot use the horrifically queerphobic atmosphere in and around professional men's football irl for your very special episode and then just never address the personal vindictiveness involved in the character dynamic that was created between nate and colin previously, especially in the face of seeding the idea that someone would be afraid to come out to their trusted best friend because of the 1% chance the casual homophobia they tossed around was indicative of their actual beliefs.

and like ok the tendency of this show to just use experiences that reflect stuff of incredible real life consequence without considering the context or implications is already established. i get it. but like this is just another example of how by not actually engaging with the full consequences of the experiences they're capitalizing on, they've not done justice to any of the characters or representative stories involved.

the reconciliation between nate and the team had such great potential to bring out everyone's issues and have a real chewy resolution! nate getting tossed back into the rupertsphere and seeing the manipulative bullying inherent to rupert's concept of power, and consequently really understanding how that created the environment mirrored in the team's treatment of him, and how he held on to that concept of power and mirrored it back in vindictiveness.

maybe if they brought forward the bex and ms. kakes story to play out earlier (during one of these insanely bloated episodes), and if nate is tied in with letting them both know what was happening with rupert, the two women going to rebecca for advice could have been something that one of the players found out about (idk overhearing rebecca asking keeley for press/legal advice while passing her office or smth). that could have precipitated a conversation among the team that we were actually privy to about how nate stood up to rupert, put whole ass career on the line to protect people being deeply wronged instead of cozy up to power, and did it without publicly Exposing Their Business in order to get public kudos.

that conversation could have been the perfect way to get the team to understand nate's growth from what he did to ted by revealing and having them work through the implications of nates willingness to put protecting people from being harmed above his own need for power and validation, while also protecting their privacy and not seeking public validation at their expense! colin could have had a part in that conversation that both brought his queerness back into the story as something of actual consequence and not just a token feel-good moment, and it could have showed why the team would trust nate enough to hold a vote to ask him to come back to richmond while also showing the audience that the team has truly grown from its unhinged emotional reaction during the west ham match, and not just because they lost a game bc of it!

like idk man this just isn't good enough for me. this whole thing just isn't good enough for me, especially because they've made the implications and the stakes so fucking high by bringing in the incredibly consequential social issues they have. nothing feels earned, and everything feels cheap and flimsy because of it! everything from the journey we deserved to go on with all of these characters, to the seriousness and respect with which the show has treated the experiences they've profited off of, to the patronizing chintz of the last minute emotion-bombs being tossed to us as good enough wallpaper over the structural cracks we're meant to ignore.

[actualbird]

thinking about mariluke again… given how marius is afraid of really trusting people and showing his heart bc he’s been used so many times before and his family situation… and given luke is all “you before me” and “wow im literal scum i don’t deserve nice things” how do you think they break down that roadblock to become lovers? do you think one of them would realise this isn’t okay and work on it or would they need a push from someone else?

you 🤝 me

thinking about mariluke

i very much relate to the feeling, anon, HVSKJFVKSDHFS

but oh my gosh i adore this ask because u hit the nail on the head on what like, their core internal conflicts are, respectively. definitely not their only conflicts, but these ones are ones that i see as the driving force behind a lot of their actions. for marius, it's the constant struggle of "can i trust you?", for luke it's his lack of self worth and the resulting neglect of his own safety/needs/desires coming from it.

before i answer the questions tho i wanna say first that those two issues do stem from core Wants that theyve got (and i wanna say this first cuz it will tie into my answers/thoughts HAHA).

like, marius is always cautious and holding his cards and heart close to himself not just because of all the betrayals hes experienced and in general the Life He Lives (though that is a Huge factor), but also because it's connected to his want for honesty, earnestness, and genuineness. though these two are interconnected, it's not a Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg situation (or in this case….Which Came First, The Yearning Or The Trust Issues? JHVKSJDFH), they exist simultaneously and feed into each other. he wants, he has trouble receiving what he wants because of his fears but his fears are also put into higher gear because of how Much he wants, and in turn the lack leads to his desire gets magnified and the stakes for his fears getting even higher as well. aaaand all this gets further complicated when u throw in marius’ low view of himself as well (while it’s not as prominent/delved-into in canon as luke’s, it’s Very Much There, see this past analysis i did about marius and emotional distancing which is the most recent analysis i did i think on the topic)

meanwhile with luke, his propensity to put others before himself always is in partly caused by how lowly he sees himself (if hes worth nothing and others are worth more, then he should be the ones taking the blows or enduring the pains), but Both those things are ultimately caused by his desire to Be Good and Do Good for Another. “for Another” is a key phrase here, because luke imo is driven by devotion. it has to be someone else. and if he sees himself as bad, then the good thing to do is to neglect himself, and a better use of his life is to serve Another that he Sees as good. like marius, this is all interconnected too. his want to do good feeds into his self sacrificial tendencies, his low view of himself allows him to do more of what he perceives to be good, etc etc. tho of course, with luke, theres the whole obvious glaring sign that what he Perceives to be good isnt good at all (ex. when he becomes overprotective to the point of taking away choice/agency from the very person hes protecting, protection becomes presumptuous condescension, and this all gets in flux since goodness is subjective based on whos lens ur looking from) but at the end of the day thats a bulk of whats driving a lot of decisions.

now when things get to romantic relationship, both these respective desires seen through the lens of romantic love can be reworded into:

for marius, it’s “do you love me? can i trust that your love is real? are you telling the truth when you say im worthy of love?”

and for luke, it’s “am i good enough for your love? have i earned it? will i allow myself to believe i’ve earned it when you say i have?”

(sidenote: …..oh my god, marius is basically “Real Love” by Carly Rae Jepsen

"The world is going crazy And it feels like I just don't know who to trust sometimes Thunder's coming over me, I need to get a hold of you now We're getting good at lying No one's saying what's keeping us all awake at night Something's coming over me, I need to get a hold of you now […] I go everyday without it All I want is real, real love And I've been feeling weak without it Only want a real, real love"

and luke is “All That” also by Carly Rae Jepsen

"I wanna play this for you all the time I wanna play this for you when you're feeling used and tired I wanna make the best so you want more […] I'll be the magic you won't ever see You can always rely on me To help you do what you want to do I wanna be the best you've ever known […] Show me if you want me If I'm all that I will be that"

i cant believe CRJ ships mariluke)

NOW back to ur question. i personally dont think this is an Either Or situation, i think it’s a Both Simultaneously kinda thing.

cuz first off, change can only happen when the person who has to do the change actively works on it. no amount of support system can do it for the person if the person themselves isnt putting in the work. BUT input from another Helps very much, especially with mariluke imo cuz like……..these two are two sides of the same coin. so many of their insecurities and fears and wants are similar. not Exactly the same, but similar enough that i think they get each other on a really personal level

(sidenote im coming in with another song but i tell everybody who has the misfortune of listening to me that “just like i do” by loveless is THE mariluke song for me because….come on

"Do you feel alone just like I do? Do you hate the sound of your heartbeat too? Do you feel alone just like I do? Do you hate the sound of your heartbeat too? This is all I own, 'til I face the truth Yeah, I feel alone in a crowded room"

i cant believe loveless ships mariluke too waow)

heres how they can help each other:

marius keeps his heart behind tall and strong walls because of how his world works and how his life has gone, yet all he yearns for is sincerity. and luke gives that in full earnestness, and is probably surprised by how much that means to marius.

(remember the CRJ songs i associated with both of them?

marius: "and it feels like i dont know who to trust sometimes"

luke: "i'll be the magic you won't eve see / you can always rely on me")

luke wears his heart on his sleeve, on the arms that are always fighting for whoever or whatever hes devoted to. luke keeps secrets, yes, but thats mostly in regards to how he sees, treats, and values (or rather, doesnt value) himself. but marius, who is trained in the art of putting up a mask or building a fortress to hide, would see through luke’s secrecy and see how badly luke treats himself under the guise of being good for others to be worthy of love.

(luke: "i wanna be the best youve ever known / show me if you want me"

marius: "i need to get a hold of you now")

luke shows what marius wants and marius sees what luke hides; both of these things, one way or another, calling attention to both of their respective internal conflicts.

i dont think they fix each other, or rather thats not how my personal ideal view of how their relationship goes. i think they see each other.

("do you feel alone just like i do?")

and in seeing, they learn more about themselves and realize that part of loving another person is also in bettering one’s self. marius loving luke more than hes afraid of getting hurt. luke loving marius more than how he wants to hate himself.

they both realize that the internal issues theyve got are not okay, and that they need to work on it. but they realize that once understood by the other and once realizing that their love is more important to them than fear or hatred.

....i feel so normal about them (lie)

[crackedpumpkin]

So about rise leo x villian! Reader plot, bef i say anything am a huge sucker for good endings so don't blame me.

So i hc reader as a gymnastic - the the villian from Barbie spy movie(?) - with gadget that help her/them shape shift to anything or anybody (So OP must nerf).

Plot; So the reason why reader is begin a villian to begin with is she's working for big mama - yes am gonna blame big mama - as her special thief, reader have the ability/ or have a gadget that make them shapshift to anybody or anything which it helped them escape from the crime scene/ mad dogs may many times.

The reason why she works for big mama is because BM took her in from the streets after she almost pull a perfect heist from BM's hotel, instead of sending her to police or just k1ll her she took her in as her new minion.

The reason why she know the mad dogs was because she's also a friend to april whom she trusts, so April trusted her enough to introduce the mad dogs to her which in the beginning reader took it as a nice game to make fun of the mad dogs to know what they feel about her after she's able to escape them, but soon fall in love with leo which it was unfortunate for her.

Fast forward, the mad dogs takes reader hostage because they just can't let her go, she knows where they live, she knows too much, they try to interrogate her to know anything about her; who's her boss, where she got the gadget? Why working as a thief? But reader is as hard as a nail and won't peep of an info.

That until leo asks her " was everything about us fake? Your feelings towards me? Our dates? Was everything fakes? " Leo asks, reader wanted to be honest and say no but begin afraid of seeing her answer as a lie she sees its best for them to break up and for leo to find another person, but for this to happen he have to hate her, so she pulls the " bad girl " mask and say " yep, everything was a lie, am surprise you even believed i loved you! " To the mad dogs, splinter and April they believe her mask but leo knowing how people could see right through her.

When everyone leave leo and reader alone to talk, leo start pressing reader for his answers, reader put a fight by saying hurtful words but in the end breaks from guilt, she loves leo so much she feels the guilt is crushing her, she wants him to forgive her but she knows she doesn't deserve it.

She get surprised by leo mentioning how reader have to stay in the lair to keep on " interrogate " her, tho reader knows it's way of leo saying " you're gonna stay with me until your problems is solved ", yes reader hadn't gotten leo's full trust again but it's a step to regain his and the family's trust.

first of all, i love the headcanon of gymnastics reader with the shapeshifting because it's just such a cool thing tbh. And almost pulling the perfect heist?? i would hire her in an instant. I think if it was me who wrote this it might go something like:

You slide down the rope, eyes scanning the room to see if any alarms had been triggered yet. Noting the absence of flashing lights and loud blaring sirens, your shoulders sag in relief at going undetected.

----

and reader getting caught by the mad dogs and being interrogated??? Oh my GOD so much potential for angst here it's insane. Mikey interrogating her?? sweetheart won't be able to hold back tears. Raph??? Incredibly disappointed. "I thought we were bear buddies!"

Donnie?? Well. Honestly I'm not sure how he'd react but i think he'd be rather hurt bc he considered you a good acquaintance, maybe even working your way up to be a worthy friend.

And then there's Leo. Our sweet, sweet turtle who just so happened to fall for the enemy. Honestly I'm always a sucker for sweet endings but I just so happen to be rather evil and as such will leave it on a high note of heartbreak :>

So, if I were to just kinda drabble a bit (Please pardon the suddenness of it all, this is very on the spot bc inspo hit and completely unedited/thought out) I'd write it like this:

"Fine, don't tell me anything then." Leo stands up, the shards of hurt and betrayal stabbing into his chest even deeper as he watches your bowed head. You refuse to look up, to meet his gaze because you knew that if you did, you'd break.

You're already trying to silence the voice in your head practically screaming at you to tell him everything. To tell him everything you felt for him - that you still feel for him, was never a lie.

Your eyes water, but you refuse to let a single tear overflow and land on the table. Your arms are tightly secured with rope, and you can barely breathe even though they had been lenient with your restraints.

Leo wants to say something - anything, for the glimmer of hope in his heart that you'd come clean.

"Please."

That makes you look up. His eyes are filled with desperation, pleading with you to admit that what the both of you had wasn't just pure deceit.

When he finally manages to meet your gaze, he almost forgets how angry he is. Your eyes swirl with guilt and regret, conflict in his chest as he watches you visibly struggle to find the words to reply. He wants nothing more than to wrap you into a hug, to soothe your worries (and his) and to forget everything that went down in the past two days.

But you don't reply, and it worsens the pit of despair his heart is already plummeting into.

So he turns around, walking out of the room and slamming the door shut, leaving you behind in the cold darkness.

-------

but yeah! I genuinely really love this plot idea and i think i'll come back to it one day. But currently I'm rather busy and bogged down with work, so it might be a while (whoops).

Thank you so much for sending this in! I really enjoyed this idea :D

Actually, i just got reminded of this one Donnie fic by someone on tumblr(i can't remember the name of the blog, someone please lmk what it is!) but it has a similar storyline whereby Donnie and reader are in a relationship, only for him to find out she's been working for Big Mama all along! I remember it has a happy ending, so I think you'd really enjoy it!